just thinking about that time i had a neuropsychological evaluation where i was like “yeah my body hurts all the time and i’m always so tired, i think there’s something wrong with me” and in my results the examiner was like “patient ascribes, often inaccurately, attributes/manifestations of mental distress to physical ailments, refusing to acknowledge their psychological origins” basically saying that i was blaming my symptoms of depression on some made-up, ambiguous physical illness or disorder and that when i said that something was wrong with me, physically, i was basically “in denial” that i was mentally ill (despite the fact that i was 100% certain and up-front that i was) and that i was merely describing anxiety and depression. and then i got diagnosed with GERD a few months later (hence feeling sick all the time) and fibromyalgia a year later lol. anyway im a cane user now. ✌️ why don’t you tell me again how my symptoms are just mental illness <3

OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person.  Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

 There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame.  The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

  We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

 Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

 For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

 Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD.  Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma. 

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point. 

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

 Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening, 

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

 It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes. 

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs. 

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those.  Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear  a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’ 

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest. 

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible. 

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

 It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

 However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

 Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness.  There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

 This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.  

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence. 

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

 Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities.  There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype. 

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD.  With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows. 

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day.  That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things. 

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

Well, I appreciate you not finding me annoying- I just know that dealing with someone with anxiety can be. A Lot. And of course I have, like, ADD on top of that, and a general tendency to overshare because it’s hard for me to tell what the divider is between too much and not enough? Also there an Actual SCP that lets you square up with mental and physical illnesses and disorders alike, it’s great. (Nyanon, 1/10)

Anyways, I’m sorry people have said that about some of your favorites, but I’m glad you like them, anyways! It’s nice to like stuff. That aside, Kyouka just vibing up until she get the Urge to Go is. Hilarious, and would definitely happen. Also you’re right, Atsushi definitely collects old and vintage stuff and tries to restore it a bit and you should say it. Anyways, poor Atsushi is just left struggling to keep up with his adopted baby sis because how did we get here? (Nyanon, 2/10)

Kyouka what??? Kyouka please he is Confused (even though he definitely supports her traditions, like you said- Our boy is just wondered why it came out of nowhere). And those four sound like a good choice for family friends! I feel like Kyouka would get. The ODDEST assortment of gifts from them- Like, Yosano gives her an Entire Emergency Kit and Kouyou just gives her Swords and also pretty clothes. (Nyanon, 3/10)

Of course, Fukuzawa gives her toys for the local strays and some pocket money if she needs it, and Lucy probably gives her a doll or something. Atsushi, of course, fusses over making sure she has Everything, including books, bedding, her broom, and Kyouka did you pack all of your clothes??? And of course, he probably passes her Byakko’s special basket and bed (because that would be One Spoiled Cat) while in tears, like you said, because he doesn’t want her to be alone. (Nyanon, 4/10)

AND DONT WORRY KENJI IS DEFINITELY THE BOY SHE MEETS, I ALSO SHIP IT, THEYRE ADORABLE AND I LOVE THEM. He chatters to her about his life on the farm and how much more busy the city is, and they bond over being in a new place on their own. Poor Atsushi can’t catch a break, and he probably freaks out everyone else by running away. Like, what the fuck are they gonna tell Kyouka when she gets back??? Atsushi where did you go? (Nyanon, 5/10)

Meanwhile Atsushi is frantically trying to Not Be Cursed and it is. A work in progress. It’d be much easier if the wizard he found actually helped instead of being a trolling bastard. Said wizard and his minions (friends) are all taken with the weird cursed maybe-not-an-old-man who’s now their house keeper? Albeit in different ways, of course, but it’s hard not to be when he’s a sweetheart, of a bit anxious. Dazai just wants to know how the fuck he gets Chuuya to listen to him. (Nyanon, 6/10)

Also please consider: Atsushi having black hair at the start, but it ends up a permanent silver with a black streak by the end, because he’s starting to embrace himself. Dazai falling farther and farther in love as the story goes on and not even realizing it, and it’s totally normal to pet someone’s hair and compliment them so much, shut UP Chuuya, you’re a sentient ball a gas, what do you know- Anyways yes I’m taken with this AU, no I don’t mind your tangent. (Nyanon, 7/10)

And it’s just like [Dazai: I’m sorry like you ignore your what now??? // Atsushi: // Dazai: Atsushi-kun please answer me- ] It’d be so chaotic it’s great. Anyways, yeah I could definitely see him not really,, Registering? That everything he once had to do isn’t necessary anymore- It’d definitely be hard to break the habit, given how long it was literally beaten into him. It’s probably the same way when it comes to like, eating and stuff? Given his experiences. (Nyanon, 8/10)

Then he realizes halfway through the day that he can, in fact, eat, and he isn’t used to that? Please help him. But all of that definitely would make him more eager to try new things, once he realized he could! He’ll try everything with anyone who’s willing. Like, he’ll do flower pressing with Kunikida (who thinks they make good bookmarks), or he’ll try collecting things with Dazai (who collects foreign coins, though Atsushi finds that he favors bottle caps). You know what I mean? (Nyanon, 9/10)

But anyways, another Scenario Concept: Please imagine Dazai and Atsushi taking naps together. Like, Atsushi curls up on Dazai’s chest and Will Not Move, and no one has the heart to move him, anyways. Dazai buries his face in Atsushi’s lap and let’s himself fall asleep while Atsushi plays with his hair. I don’t know, I’m tired and can’t think of much right now. I just want fluff. (Nyanon, 10/10)

DW!!! I ALSO SUCK AT KNOWING WHATS OVERSHARING OR NOT AND I LOVE IT WHEN SOMEONES VERY OPEN AND RAMBLES ON A LOT BECAUSE ONE OF MY BIGGEST FEAR IS AWKWARD SILENCES AND DRY CONVOS SO I LOVE THOSE TYPE OF PEOPLE CAUSE THEY ALSO MAKE ME TALK BETTER AND WE JUST HAVE A BETTER CONVO OVERALL

i loVE THEM GIVING HER THE ODDEST GIFTS I BET FUKUZAWA IS THE ONLY ACTUAL NORMAL ONE WHO GIVES HER NORMAL GIFTS meanwhile kunikida (did i say he would be a friend as well??) would give her the C UT E S T stationary items for her studies. 

and chuuya’s curse would definitely be reduced to a flame!! and akutagawas curse,,,hmm,,,maybe that he has poor health??idk if that makes sense- BUT. PLS. I CAME UP WITH A CHUUAKU AU WHERE THEY MANAGE TO FALL IN LOVE AND EVERY NIGHT AKUTAGAWA IS HUDDLED NEAR THE FIREPLACE AND TALKS TO CHUUYA SOFTLY JUST THEM TOGETHER WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IS ASLEEP AND ATSUSHI PRETENDS NOT TO HEAR THEM HNNN AND WHEN THE CURSE IS BROKEN AND CHUUYA IS NO LONGER BOUND TO DAZAI HE JUST IS SO HAPPY HES FREE AND AKUTAGAWA LOOKS DEFLATED RIGHT BUT THEN HE IMMEDIATELY TACKLES AKUTAGAWA IN A HUG AAAA-

anyways Y E S i totally agree with atsushi having black hair and it turning grey how dare you be so amazing WOW <33 and chuuya would definitely keep on teasing dazai about everything he literally does to atsushi the moment the young(old??) man is out of earshot

flower pressing with kunikida,,,how dare you make me soft i hate you and DAZAI AND ATSUSHI TAKING NAPS TOGETHER AAAA THATS SO CUTE PL S IM CRYING

(tw suicide mention) I feel so alienated from everyone in my life im always everyone’s last choice for everything i thought i was getting somewhere with my crush but he started dating my friend and i kinda wanna fucking kill myself i dont know how much longer i can stay alive i feel so lonely ive been feeling this awful for a long time and nothing is getting better at all I already know how I’ll end it i just need to decide when im sorry for venting but idk who else to talk to

hey, hey it’s okay :( i’m so sorry my love. i can’t imagine how hard things must be for you right now. take a breath. words probably seem pointless when you’re feeling so down, but try to believe at least some of what i say. do you think it’s possible, that your depression and your recent negative experiences, are causing you to over generalize, to reject any sense of self worth? like, those are both things that fuck up your perception of reality a lot. but it won’t always stay distorted, it truly won’t always be like this. so by that i mean - you’re not everyone’s last choice. i promise. maybe it feels like that, but the way other people treat you is not a reflection of who you are, not in this context anyway. and it won’t be the case with every person that you come across in your life. where you’re at right now is honestly not where you’ll always be, i can’t stress that enough. i know it hurts. not getting the person you want is awful, losing them to someone else is terrible, and having to hold onto all of this sadness probably seems pretty much impossible. the people that don’t recognize you for the wonderful person that you are, are simply missing out on the entirety of you. it’s their loss, it’s their issue. not yours. but it’s ok to feel that pain. it’s ok to cry it out, to want to give up, to lose it for a little bit. you don’t have to push those emotions away, you can sit with them and process them - it’s not the feeling that matters, it’s how you cope with it my love. it’s the same thing with thoughts. feeling suicidal is obviously a very serious thing to deal with, but there’s a massive difference between having a thought and acting on it. i really believe in your ability to find and to hold on to that distinction. you don’t have to act on your urges. you don’t have to hurt yourself on the outside to show that you’re hurting on the inside. you can communicate, you can get it all out in so many others ways. robbing yourself of a chance and of a future is not going to solve anything. your brain is deliberately trying to make you feel trapped so that you’re easier to control. it’s a delusion, and you don’t have to trust it. you can create a safe environment for yourself. you can. look at the situation, and feel the anger and the pain, but don’t make any permanent, irreversible choices based on what you’re going through at the moment. please. 

the thing is, you have so many options, even if your mind is not allowing you to see them at the moment. please please please, if you believe me about anything, believe me about this. it’s alright to reach out to people and to let them know what’s going on in your head. the way out is not by ending things, it’s by going through them. and the first step to that is just talking. i know it’s scary. it’s fine to be afraid. but don’t let that stop you from doing what’s best for yourself. make a list of priorities in your head, and put your mental health at the top of it, okay? even if you have to absolutely force yourself to care. even if you don’t want to, even if your head is screaming at you not to. it’s time to take back a bit of control. you can start by talking to a friend or family member - fight past the feeling of alienation. isolating yourself will only make you feel more disconnected. it’s up to you to put a stop to that cycle. if family and friends aren’t an option, there are many hotlines you can call that will give you a bit of guidance and advice. if you’re in school, you can always talk to the counselor a teacher. if you’re not, set up an appointment with your usual doctor and see if he/she can refer you. if you don’t want to do that, look into resources in your community such as local support groups. there will be something. you just have to seek it out. you have to make it an active part of your life, in order to get the ball rolling. if we look at depression/suicidal thoughts as an illness - a serious mental disorder - then doesn’t it make sense for professional help to be the next step, rather than hurting yourself? your mental health is JUST as important as your physical health, and it should be treated with the same level of seriousness. if you had cancer, would you deny yourself treatment and just expect things to feel better? of course not, right? this is just as urgent. you deserve help. you deserve to find some peace of mind. and a professional can really enable you to do that. like i said before, your perception and mindset is pretty much guaranteed to change - you won’t always see things the way you do right now. but you can help it all to change quicker by engaging. someone like a therapist or a counselor can literally show you how to cope when these feelings arise. they can allow you to discover what caused these thoughts in the first place, they can uproot that issue and help you come to terms with it. they may also be able to refer you to a psychiatrist, who could (depending on your situation) give you some meds to even out your brain chemistry, to help you see things clearly again. letting people know can honestly help you breathe again, as stupid as that sounds. i’m not saying that talking will solve everything. i’m not saying there won’t be times when you feel like saying fuck it. i’m saying that if you look at this from an objective standpoint, if you take today and try your best with it, then you’ll see clearly what it is that you need to do. put yourself first. self hatred is a trap. you’re more than that.

i’m under no illusions. everything is so much easier said than done. but i’m not saying all of this for nothing. i fucking believe in you so so much. you know how many stories i’ve heard, of people who have been exactly where you are, but they stuck around and then eventually they were so grateful that they did? it happens all the time. look, it’s very very easy to become disillusioned with life. and i get that. cause the world is a fucking difficult place to live in. especially if you’re mentally ill. but this is the only life you’re ever going to have, man. even if you don’t want it at the minute, it’s here and it’s happening. and it’s the rarest thing in the universe. don’t throw it away because of a moment in your existence. you’re so much more than you think you are. your presence on this planet is significant, and it has made a difference, and nothing would be the same without you here. i mean it. every time you feel worthless, you have to force yourself to acknowledge the inherent worth that you were born with. as soon as you got here, you mattered. and that fact won’t go away just cause you can’t see it, so listen. i’m not saying you can’t be sad. i’m not saying there’s a simple solution. i’m saying that trying is more than good enough. i understand that putting in any sort of effort is the last thing you want to do when you’re feeling so shitty. but it’s the one thing you have to demand of yourself. it doesn’t have to be anything big - it can be letting yourself sob, being honest with yourself, getting out of bed, and hopefully (eventually) asking for the help that you need. when the bad thoughts occur, acknowledge them, process them, but never for a second trick yourself into thinking they’re actually an option, okay? because they’re not, not when there’s so much left for you here, not when there’s so many others way to deal with this. please just stick around. your future self is going to thank you for it more than you can even begin to understand. i’m sending you so much love. i’m rooting for you with all of my fuckin heart. and if you ever need a friend, please just message me. don’t hurt yourself, just talk to me. we’ll figure it out together.

numbers you can call:

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

Regarding the “Drv3 boys with an autistic S/o ask”

‘Hi! I’m Mimi, and I hope you all are having a nice day. I came here because Mod Shuichi wrote a post about an autistic person who was dating one of the NDRV3 boys. It was a cute thought, but as I read the Ouma and Kiibo scenarious I couldn’t keep reading. I understand that you weren’t trying to make it offensive but it unfortunately is. In it, you describe Kiibo as wondering what it would be like to have autism, and describes himself as not being a “perfect robot”. In this way, you are implying that someone with autism cannot be perfect and will never be perfect. While nobody is perfect, it’s dehumanizing to have an illness compared to a robot who is programmed to have nothing wrong with him. It’s degrading, even. You wrote that autism is a “mental disease”, while a google search shows that autism is described as a “mental disorder” or “condition”. While the definition of a disease is “a disorder of structure or function in a human, animal, or plant, especially one that produces specific signs or symptoms or that affects a specific location and is not simply a direct result of physical injury” and can technically be used to describe autism, diction matters. Diseases are something that can potentially kill someone. Autism is “a mental condition, present from early childhood, characterized by difficulty in communicating and forming relationships with other people and in using language and abstract concepts”. Autism isn’t the direct cause of someone’s death. I get it. I write scenarios for drv3-and-imagines, I’m the mod Miu on that blog. There are requests in our inbox that describe transboys, people with bipolar depression, boys who crossdress and how their NDVR3 fav would react. I believe it’s for validation, they want to come to terms with what they have and they want to feel loved because of it. I, personally, don’t favor these asks. It’s asking to romanticize a piece of a person because there is something wrong or different about them. And out of the two characters i read, Ouma and Kiibo only focused on their S/O’s autism. People who are transboys, autistic, have bipolar depression, or crossdress are people. They are humans with needs and wants, emotions and problems. Whenever I write a set of headcanons addressing such things, I try to write mundane things that humanize the asker beyond what descriptors they have given me. A friend showed me these headcanons and i was outraged. This friend has Asperger’s, a mild form of autism, and my little brother has the same condition. As an older sister and a friend, it sickened me to see their disorder boiled down to someone obsessing over whether they prefer cotton or linen, or what kind of fruits they like and which ones irritate them. People with autism are people; their autism does not define them. My little brother collects legos, he’s a big Doctor Who fan, and he loves watching funny YouTube videos. I don’t know what his special interest is, I don’t care. All I care about is that he finds something he enjoys and takes pride in because it makes him happy. This message is not meant to direct hate or attack any of the mods here, but I just wanted to share my thoughts about this set of headcanons. Please be careful about what you write, do your research, and remember that if the scenario is addressing a problem that a character’s S/O has, the character will love their S/O no matter what and won’t focus on this one issue because there are so many other valuable qualities about their S/O. Thank you so much for your time, I know this is rather lengthy, and again, I hope you all have a wonderful day! 💖 ‘ 

So after some contemplation, I’ve decided to answer this publicly to clear up some of the misunderstandings that anyone else may have.

“ In it, you describe Kiibo as wondering what it would be like to have autism, and describes himself as not being a “perfect robot”. In this way, you are implying that someone with autism cannot be perfect and will never be perfect. While nobody is perfect, it’s dehumanizing to have an illness compared to a robot who is programmed to have nothing wrong with him.”

Yes I did talk about Kiibo wondering what it would be like if he had something similar to autism. But I did not mean for it to come off as like you said.

People who have autism do have different mental conditions that make them different from the average joe. Whether it be how they interact with the world or how they think, they’re different. Nothing wrong with that. Kiibo wonders what it would be like if he did have something similar to autism (if a part of his programming was not working correctly.) Kiibo thinks, that if there was a problem with himself, then he wouldn’t be what his creator wanted him to be like, or how he was designed to be. In turn, he would be scrapped, or redesigned. While as a human can’t be redesigned, it would be helped and treated as an equal. But, Kiibo, being a robot, wouldn’t be. Because in the world of computers and technology, if something doesn't work as you want it to it is changed or terminated.

It’s simply meant to be a thought, a peek inside of Kiibo’s mind to see how he thinks about this subject. It was never meant to be offensive in any way.

“You wrote that autism is a “mental disease”, while a google search shows that autism is described as a “mental disorder” or “condition”. “

I do know that autism is a mental disorder, I do refer to it as a mental disorder in that ask. Reading the ask again, I realized, whether it be because of auto-correct or just my own eyes, I accidentally put ‘Disease’ instead of ‘disorder’ and I’m sorry for that, I’ll change that.

‘It was a cute thought, but as I read the Ouma and Kiibo scenarious I couldn’t keep reading’

You said this and yet:

“And out of the two characters i read, Ouma and Kiibo only focused on their S/O’s autism. People who are transboys, autistic, have bipolar depression, or crossdress are people. They are humans with needs and wants, emotions and problems. Whenever I write a set of headcanons addressing such things, I try to write mundane things that humanize the asker beyond what descriptors they have given me.”

No, the do not. In the ask I talk about Kiibo and his S/o having a vent session between each-other, Kiibo even says how much he loves talking to someone as important as the s/o. In Ouma’s, Ouma teases the S/o about being ‘Hopelessly in love with him’ to which the s/o agrees with him. Maybe if you kept reading you would have figured that out.

I know that they are humans with needs and wants, but I need to make the decision when each person asks us something, whether to add comfort from the characters in their plain request or not. For example,”The boys reacting to their S/o being autistic.” I would naturally put in comfort, because they are learning about this for the first time and would therefore comfort the reader about it. But it it’s something like “The boys with an autistic s/o” then I have to decide if I write about them learning about their autism or just talking about what they do having an S/o with a condition like that.

If I don’t write what exactly the requester wanted me too, then I apologize, but the more specific you are when asking, the more accurate I can be with my writing.

As a mod, I try in most asks (Where it is necessary)  to describe how each character loves their s/o no matter what in different ways, if I kept repeating the same lines of “I’ll love you no matter what” then my writing would get boring. It’s a challenge, but I try and do it. As another mod for another blog, I know you understand as well.

“As an older sister and a friend, it sickened me to see their disorder boiled down to someone obsessing over whether they prefer cotton or linen, or what kind of fruits they like and which ones irritate them.“

I’m not saying that’s what autism is about, I simply write about how the characters would react. 

Ouma having an S/o with autism, or any s/o in general would want to know what they like and what they dislike. 

Ouma is a character that is very intelligent, but it’s his feeling can throw him off course. He asks questions, offensive to you or not, because he’s worried and concerned for his S/o. I even point out that ‘ Ouma, it’s not as if they’re some alien from another race. They’re still human.’ Ouma realizes that he doesn’t need to worry so much about this, and that he probably was hurting your feeling  so he plays it off as some joke saying  ‘“*Gasp* what if my dear s/o is actually the real human?? And everyone else are the aliens??” He clung to your leg, “WAAAAAAAAA S/O IM SORRYYYY!!!”’

Not every character is going to react in the same way, not every character is going to always make the right decisions on how they treat situations.

‘I don’t know what his special interest is, I don’t care. All I care about is that he finds something he enjoys and takes pride in because it makes him happy.‘

The boys feel the same way about their s/o. All they want is for them to be happy. In this case, their interest is in the boy’s talent. Because they can make them happy with what they do, they try to banter about that subject with their s/o whenever they can. Because they know it makes them happy.

‘This message is not meant to direct hate or attack any of the mods here, but I just wanted to share my thoughts about this set of headcanons. Please be careful about what you write, do your research, and remember that if the scenario is addressing a problem that a character’s S/O has, the character will love their S/O no matter what and won’t focus on this one issue because there are so many other valuable qualities about their S/O. Thank you so much for your time, I know this is rather lengthy, and again, I hope you all have a wonderful day! 💖 ‘

I thank you for properly addressing this issue, it was formal and professional. 

I always try to be careful with what I write, especially if it is with a tricky topic. I did indeed do research for days before I attempted this ask, as I do with every ask that I need to. 

Of course the characters will love their S/o no matter what, it’s their significant other after all, I know that, but for this ask I focused on the boys dealing with their S/o’s condition while still saying how they loved them. 

Once again I don’t mean to offend anyone with my asks. If you need to talk to me feel free to message me on my personal blog @krispykrunchkenma

Thank you for your time.

-Mod Saihara 

(on the topic of dissociation and chronic pain by ymirjotunn, please ask before following syr if you’re so inclined.) 

hi! im friends w khoshekh and she pointed me towards yr post about dissociation and pain b/c she knows i’m dissociation and pain central… i do have some info so i thought id share, and since ur looking just for General Experiences it might be a bit of an infodump? i hope thats ok! (sorry in advance it turned out kinda long and idk how comprehensible it is)

from lots of personal experience, Yes its Very Very related. i have a genetic disorder (ehlers danlos syndrome) that causes frequent dislocation of joints, which means a lot of pain; i also have fibromyalgia which tumblr user namira mentioned in the notes! ive had problems with dissociation since i was very small, and had a period of uhhh…~14 yrs of dissociative amnesia, & i still have really severe dissociation issues now

this is Kind of a silly post but i think its got useful vocabulary when talking about dsc… “lawful neutral” is the kind i struggle with the most, and the kind that caused my dissociative amnesia. genuinely “being on autopilot” is the best way to describe it, and most chronically ill folks i know are at least Somewhat familiar with it, if not intimate - it’s a survival mechanism, it helps make sure we can keep doing what we need to do in order to live even if we can’t process things, or if we physically can’t do something that we need to do anyway. (that’s not always a good idea, but…you gotta do what you gotta do??)

“lawful negative” is pretty common with flares that aren’t earth-shattering / hospital-threatening (so when the pain is bad, but not that bad) - partly because when your entire body is in pain, it’s almost impossible to actually Do anything, so everything’s really boring and pointless, so…things get weird. this one’s my least favorite, b/c most dissociation is pretty “easy” (since you don’t really have to do much) but this one is just 100% shit and also very frustrating.

“neutral negative” is similar to the above, but typically comes when things are so shitty and so frustrating that everything feels hopeless and you wanna die but you can’t actually do anything b/c your body doesn’t work so you just kinda consider it, but it’s…detached

“chaotic negative” is definitely more associated with mental health, but for me, my chronic pain is Intimately tied with my brain garbage, including my schizophrenia, so it’s worth talking about in the context of pain&dsc, i think

specifically because after enough weird shit happens in your body, after you’ve lived long enough with pain that would be utterly devastating to other people (and is to you but also you’re still doing this somehow???) things get REALLY fuckin surreal… it’s just Weird and Scary and Unreal but it’s still happening and fucked up. it’s really hard to describe this lmao uh

there’s pain literally all the time, and after a while you get…somewhat tuned to it, but not used to it. you can’t adapt to it, you can’t not feel it. it’s just kind of There, and it’s…maybe i’d describe it as constantly surreal? i can’t imagine any part of me not being in constant pain, to the point that i can’t really comprehend that other people aren’t, but at the same time it’s a sense of feeling Not Quite Right, disjointed, almost like my body itself is glitching? pretty much all of those feelings are dissociation in some form…its fuck its weird

during really really bad flares of pain, i almost always slip into a dissociative episode, but its a particular kind - the best way i can think to describe it is pushing my consciousness away from my body, to try and distance myself from what feels like unbearable pain as much as possible. it’s kind of like acting, but you’re acting so hard that you can believe “oh yeah okay, it doesn’t hurt That much, i can ignore it” even if you’re at a medical 10 on the pain scale, yknow. usually this ends up as “true neutral” because i end up making more concrete efforts to stay positive through it.

but! im also a medical sociologist so i can give you some academic stuff as well! dissociation is, at its core, the body’s reaction to intense (and potentially otherwise unbearable) stress, which definitely includes pain, especially when prolonged.

(if you’re specifically talking about untreated pain, there’s also the frustration of not being taken seriously, not being given what you need, not knowing what’s going on, etc - that’s also really really severe stress. some of my worst dissociation happened in the 4 years i sought but could not receive an accurate diagnosis.)

this is a forum of chronic pain folx talking about dsc, just personal experience - it might be helpful to you.

this is like one of the only relevant studies that exists, maybe u already saw it?? given the combo of personal experiences & these tentative results it’s pretty much certain that there is a Definite Scientific Link b/w dsc and chronic pain, but they need to do a lot more experimentation to have decent data. theres also this one which is pretty good

this is a bunch of academic gobbledygook and i dont have the spoons to tear thru it but on the surface it looks like it has some decent info

this is a really really good description of “body maps” and how certain points on those maps can come undone thru stressful experience & cause dsc. it’s a good way to conceptualize the connection. relevant quote: “The pain experience gets divorced from what is happening in the tissues.” it becomes more of an emotional / psychological experience than a physical one, even if it really is rooted in physical issues.

(i personally always described my pain as “a sick feeling” - like severe and painful nausea, except instead of my stomach, it was inside my bones and muscles. nobody understood what i meant, and it was really frustrating to try and explain! overall it’s a really surreal and emotional and disjointed experience.)

i also want to point out that a ton of “dealing with chronic pain” techniques are straight up dissociation. many of us develop these strategies independently & naturally, just because dissociating is one of the only ways to deal with severe & constant & chronic pain

ANYWAY…sorry this was so long and kinda out of the blue!! i hope it gave you some insight, i wish i couldve described some experiences better lmao… feel free to ask me if you have any questions, id be happy to answer!

Found my sister in law's second instagram, it's not a secret it's just her other account where she's holds nothing back and talks extensively about her chronic pain, Pcos, and mental health. I'm happy she's super open about all of that, I really am but I can't help but look at this secret account of mine that isn't out in the open, at least not like insta is, this is hidden away from my family and loved ones. I know I don't deal with all the health issues she does, and maybe I'm being stupid, but I really wish I could be more open with my mental illnesses, especially the one that's actively trying to ruin my marriage.

I mean what I'm trying to say is that I saw her post on this second account from my birthday surprise party that during it she 2 suffering from severe pains and was recently told she's going into pre menopause. It broke my heart cause she didn't share her news with even me for a few more days after the party, I understand that she didn't want to ruin the day but I would've liked to do anything to help her. It just sucks OK, I'm so sad for her cause I know she wants a second child.

Anyway, Im bringing this all up because she shared that online while it was going on, and this past Sunday I did my damnest to hide one of my "episodes", if i can even call them that, during a family dinner. From the second we left the apartment to head down to his mom's town, I was flooded with anger, over nothing in particular. You know when you get heavy emotions but you can pin it on something as the root cause of that anger or anxiety or sadness? I can't 80% of the time, I have heavy emotions come on with no root cause, at least none that are obvious, and I feel so ashamed and like a goddamn toddler with all these mood swings. Half the dinner I faked a smile that my husband could tell wasnt real, and I whisper snapped at him a few times, but the restaurant was so loud his family didn't hear me. Even in the midst of the mood swing I didn't want his family to know something was wrong with me, I tried my best to push it down and fake it. Then half way through dinner, it just ended and I singed back to super happy. I know his family noticed I went from kinda quiet to super talkative. His mom does know I have issues, my husband is allowed to tell her things, especially since my mood swings cause so many fights. She's sympathetic to me, I appreciate it. But I still have this overwhelming urge to hide it all, I don't want his sisters to know I'm broken, I don't want them to not wanna hang out with me anymore cause I'm a mess, they're the only friends I've made here. I don't even know what to call this mental health issue, I'm teetering between biplor 1 and bpd, I don't even know if it's either, could be neither, could be something else entirely, could just be my depression getting much worse. I do feel more depressed this past year, but this feels different, almost like in my depressive episodes something kicks it up a notch and I become bordering on hysterical, and I dunno but to me this doesn't feel like the depression I've suffered from for years, this feels like something new and I don't like it. But anyway all I want is to be open like my sister in law is, to not feel like I have to hide when I have a bad episode. Maybe she's comfortable showing her illnesses because they're mostly internal and mental in the way that they don't really actively "come out to play", so to speak. Mine has shown me that it doesn't care if I'm out at a dinner my husband and I have been looking forward to, it will give me a massive mood swing that's nearly impossible to hide from family and strangers. I don't want them to see me in that state, and I definitely don't want to snap at them, godforbid. My husband has asked me before if I would ever snap at his family, and I've always said no but now I'm not so sure, during the dinner I held myself back from snapping at one of his sisters, and it makes me so upset at myself that I let this happen. I ruined the dinner and I know it.

Don't even get me started on my physical scars and my Ed, that's something I'm gonna hide as much as I can. I can imagine my husband's older sister refusing for me to watch our niece alone because she's scared I'll apply my disorder onto her. I wouldn't but I can see how someone would be scared I'd make their kid anorexic because of my issues. But I'm very good at faking it around family, I even eat full meals that I regret later so that no one will feel threatened. OK that sounds shit. But seriously I feel like a fuck up and so much of one that it's not even safe to show people. My episode on Sunday actually caused a fight between me and my husband when we got home, because he was mad that I tried to hide and push down my mood swing to hide it from his family. He told me that if I don't show them gradually, what will happen if/when I have a worse episodein front of them where I'm uncontrollable and hysterical and shouting, they'll think negatively of me because they won't know to the degree of how fucked up I am. I'm in the area where I don't want them to even know I have something wrong with me, I just wanna feel normal and I want them to view me as normal. Maybe I'm a narcissist because I want the world to be blind to how bad my mental health is, I want them to only see the cookie cutter shape I've shown them, not the pile of left over misshapen and burnt cookies behind the curtain. I want to be normal and I can't, so I want people to think I'm normal, it makes me feel a bit better. And if he keeps pushing me to not hide my episodes in his family's presence then I'm scared they'll see me differently or that I'll fucking mentally disturb his kid brother or our niece, I don't wanna scare them and I don't want them to be scared of me, because I think I'm scary.

Personal long post, suffering from BPD/Mood disorder/Anxiety/Depression/ADHD

What ever good vibe, positive assurance, high power or fuck if God exists and is paying attention to my life out of the many- Please grant me power, strength, and will. I can't live much longer with this heavy dripping tar in my chest. I can't live much longer wasting away in my bed. I can't handle this overdone feeling of guilt, sadness, and most of all the anxiety, much longer. I am struggling. I am low. I don't feel like living even though for so long I told myself I could never end my life just for the fact that it's a miracle I can even be here. But I cannot handle this god damn feeling, I cannot handle this fucking tar. I can't fucking deal with the pollution that has spread throughout my torso and head. On top of that, I'm a loser. I've always found the easy way out and made excuses and didn't care. School was a joke- I skipped, I dropped out then came back and made up my credits & graduated with a HS diploma at a school for those who have had bad experiences that held them back. I started smoking cigarettes & weed when I was 14. I'm 24 now. I smoke over half a pack a day. I chain smoke because it's therapeutic just to be able to take a deep breath in and out. Same with weed- all day every day. Never thought it was problem til recently when I ran out and don't have a cent to my name so I can't buy any(and would it I could instead of buying food when I'm starving). I scraped and scraped every piece for resin. I looked at the carpet for fallen scraps. I got all the kief I could manage out of grinders. I crushed the ASHES and smoked it, just in case I missed anything. Do you see the problem here? That's fucking nuts. I am so desperate. I scrounged 6 dollars in quarters just to buy a pack of cigarettes. Then I did it again when I ran out. I write in my journal til 5 am every night. I furiously write. I write pages and pages of self-destructive thoughts, self-hate, repeated lines, word games, things I do that people notice, things I do that I notice, the horrible horrible thoughts I have that Tumblr of all places would dox me and rip me to shreds. And the sad thing is, my enemy...this tar monster inside- it's me. It's just me. I'm going through so much(so much that I can take, there are stronger people who have it worse...I know). There are many times I just don't think I'm going to make it. I'm getting help but I just don't listen and I don't know why. I'm not trying to be this way. Borderline Personality Disorder. I was told that I am believed to be 'better' and 'fixed' in four months through intensive therapy. In truth, if I'd just exercise- apparently, I'd be okay. That may be true...but the problem is that I'm so fucking off the charts with all these overwhelming emotions that I can't fucking move to even brush my teeth or eat or shower. I left my boyfriend. Then he came after me. Then I came back to him. Then he said he needed time after he begged me back. Now this fuck doesn't know if he wants to be with me or if it's best. Now, to any other fine ass lady who don't take no shit(the real me under the globs of tar)- would say FUCK YOU I ALREADY LEFT YOU THE FUCK YOU BEG ME BACK FOR YOU FUCK! But I have this problem of a devastating psycho intense fear of being abandoned. So even though I left just a day before he pulled this shit, I'm back to pitifully wailing like I lost a child- begging him not to leave. The tables turned just like that. Even though I just left with a straight face and took all my shit, even the sheets off the bed. I took every last thing but a stray shoe on the floor and a note. I didn't cry. I didn't care. I was fed up. I was done and over it. I moved in somewhere else cuz I have a great best friend- I had no regret. And just like that, I'm back to being the little baby, fucked up and begging just like he just was. I cannot stand myself because my mental illness traps me. Anyone who doesn't have a mental illness pulls that shit- 'just calm down, just block him, forget him, relax, move on, you're better than that, you'll be alright., just DO it, you have to grow up, you just need this, you just need to meditate'. You either just have no fucking clue what it feels like or you are The Batman because that is some serious mental strength if you can just calm the fuck down when It feels like 10 trains of thought running full speed, dangerously close to one another (which is why from 8pm-5am, I'm writing like I'm about to get caught and killed). Or get up and go for a run and really get into it and sweat and work...this tar just...has me and I'm so stuck. I am immobilized. I am trapped in my mind. This isn't about me getting in a break up, promise. It's so much more than that. I cause my family grief. I always have and they love me so so so much, and I just constantly cause them pain. I'm so low and in mental anguish all of the time that they feel that they failed raising me and it's not their fault. I feel so much guilt for the craziness I have put my loved ones through because it never seems that I learn from mistakes. They try and they try, they spend so much money for me to make it and be successful, but I truly convince myself that I am a very lost cause. It's been over a decade. I have not progressed. I didn't go to college which typically isn't a big deal, but for those like me...I struggle at just keeping a part-time job. I cannot hide my expression and I don't lie but rarely...so everyone can feel the heaviness of my misery, which is obviously uncomfortable. Positive posts of- you're going to make it! You're loved! You're special! You are okay the way you are! - I hate them. It's such a nice thing to say, and it's not just meant for me so how dare I? But I never buy it and continue to rot in self-hate. The reason I post this, is because I hope people see this and learn something on mental illnesses and what it means to call someone crazy when they are suffering...they might not even be going through anything or ever had, this shit just happens to some of us. I'm just so angry. There is so much that I technically as a human being who has the ability to move, can do...it's not that I refuse to do it, I don't think it's laziness but it very well could be(?), I just don't have any will left in me. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Not the things that used to and not new things. I just feel alone and like I don't belong anywhere...and I don't know what I should do. I'm very lost. I'm sorry there is no cut on this post. I'm on mobile and have no idea how to add it on the app. I just needed to write this. I need people to see it. I need people, anyone to be aware. My boyfriend and I could never talk about anxiety or depression because he said it was something people put on themselves and he has 'anxiety' all the time- which people like him, often mistake as the 'anxiety' you get while talking in front of class or getting grades back or going on a date for the first time- heads up for those who think like him...open your eyes and see that the little tingle in your heart and your clammy hands are not the same thing as crippling anxiety, I'm sorry- please help us, not down play us who suffer. I've been ranting for awhile at this point and I think I'm gonna stop now. Im just really struggling and can't stop writing. Im really low. Please anyone who sees this- mental illness is a real issue and needs to be focused on. It needs to be heavily addressed. There are so many people like me...some worse, some more stable...some people who truly can't take it and end their lives...some people who can't contain the monster inside and take it out on others, may that be verbal/physical abuse, school shootings, massacres, animal abuse... It's painful. It's deeply painful. Imagine losing someone you love...now imagine feeling a similar grief every day and you don't really know why...or if you're like me, imagine if you felt as if sludge/tar/muck/pollution dripped down your insides every day... I'm a very beautiful girl(I believe so), I can be talented, I can be fierce, I can be a queen, I can achieve anything I want, I can work out, I can party, I can socialize, I can love, I can be a shining star and most of all- I can be happy and I can make it through. However...I am being held down by this monster of goopy tar...I am deep inside myself, trapped. Watching myself chase all I love away from me...alone with this suffering. Bruh, if this ain't the longest, emo ass post I ever did see and it's written by me. I hope nobody gets mad because it's a long post but I needed to put this out there. I'm going down. So far down. Forgive me.

hey.. im really sorry to bother you but i just need to vent. This makes me sound like a pig (which i am haha) but i lost it and just completely binged on candy and now I feel like absolute shit. I really want to purge but I can't since my family is all home (I mean i know it's not worth it but it would still make me feel better) and i just don't know what to do and I don't have anybody to talk to and i'm just confused.

hey. don’t worry about it, you’re not bothering me. and don’t say that, you’re not a pig at all. all you did was eat, and any negative connotation you have about that is coming from an unreliable and untrustworthy portion of your mind. it’s not based in fact or reality, and you don’t have to buy into the bullshit. we all do impulsive things sometimes, and the sooner you learn to accept it, the easier it will be to confront it. this whole ‘ideal’ you have in your brain about the person you want to be, the person that never fucks up or does the wrong thing is not real or obtainable. you don’t need to lose your life striving for something that doesn’t exist, okay? that’s what it comes down to, and that’s why you need to prevent this from snowballing into a life threatening illness that could literally kill you. none of this is worth losing yourself over, love.

you don’t have to know what to do, and you don’t have to have it all figured out. you can’t change what has happened, but you don’t NEED to. one binge isn’t going to drastically alter anything, and it’s not the end of the world even if your mind is trying to tell you that it is. the good thing is that you already have the maturity and the awareness to know that purging isn’t worth it - that’s a really fucking positive sign. reading that made me feel such a strong surge of belief in you and your ability to fight your way out of this, you know? now you just need to see it for yourself. you need to realize just how much you can endure, because it’s a lot more than you can even begin to imagine. you are not your thoughts, and you are not all of the things your mind is telling you that you are. i hope one day, you’ll find a way to believe me.

have a glass of water, lay down for a while. let your stomach settle, and don’t dwell on it. feeling bad about binging isn’t going to change the fact that it happened, and you don’t need to give those negative thoughts the power to actually impact what you do and how you act. you clearly have a lot of anxiety around food and eating, but you don’t have to just accept it. you were not put on this earth just to be skinny, just to lose weight. there is so much more to you than that, and so much more to life in general than that. you don’t want to look back in 50 years and regret losing your youth over something so insignificant. i don’t know the extent of your situation, and i don’t know how far it’s gotten to at this point. i’m just fucking hoping with all of my heart that you see this for what it is - not a diet, not a lifestyle choice, not a way to get skinny - but a serious disease that is one of the most fatal mental illness’s out there. please, please just be smart about this. you are not invincible. if you push your body hard enough, it’s going to break. and trust me, you don’t want that even if you think you do.

i know you don’t want to hear it, but there are so many ways to deal with this and to get the help you need. you’re clearly going through something very difficult and dark, and during those times it’s okay to lean on the people around you for support. you might feel like you’re alone, but you’re not. you have options, your mind is just trying to convince you otherwise so you’re easier to control. please, please think about telling a family member what you’re dealing with, if that’s an option for you. you don’t have to go into great detail, but you owe it yourself to do the right thing. enough is enough - you are not supposed to spend every day worrying about calories and dieting and your body. i know you’re tired of it, so please just allow yourself to talk to somebody and to let it all out. i’d also really recommend seeing a professional about it, such as a school counselor or a therapist. eating disorders are a real serious thing, just as serious as any kind of physical illness. they need medical attention and care in order to overcome, which includes consistent therapy and use of healthier coping mechanisms. i get that the idea of talking to someone is scary, but it’s a LOT less scary than going into a coma or giving yourself a heart attack because you purged too much or ate too little. this isn’t bullshit, i’m saying this because i fucking care about you. it’s okay to give yourself the chance to get better. you don’t have to hurt yourself on the outside to show that you’re hurting on the inside, not anymore. you can talk to people, you can confront the depths of your brain and you can get out of this mindset. you can. it’s possible, but only if you believe it’s possible. i know that it feels like a lot of pressure, and i’m not saying you have to do it all at once. getting over this is going to be a process, so be gentle and patient with yourself. take it one small step at a time. separate yourself from the part of your mind that is trying to kill you, and take the initiative to do what’s right for your own mental and physical health. if you’re doing that, then you’re honestly doing more than enough. sry if this overwhelmed you, i’m just super worried and i want you to know that there is a way out of this. i’m gna leave a few links that might help you out a little more, check them out while you take the time to decide what it is that you really need. i hope you find some peace of mind soon my love. you’re a beautiful soul, and things are going to be okay. hmu if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, i’m always here :)

http://www.sportsdoctor.com/chg/eating_disorders.htmlhttps://growinghumankindness.com/how-to-recover-from-a-food-or-sugar-binge/https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips/self-care-stepshttp://www.your-bulimia-recovery.com/bulimia-self-help.htmlhttps://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips