Ich zeige jedem den Weg zum Wasser , doch merke nicht , dass ich alleine im Feuer stehe.

-@selbstzerstoerun9

I dont have any energy to anything I can't even jump from the apartment

to everyone around me

i'm sorry for being too sensitive

i'm sorry for being too emotional

i'm sorry for crying too much

i'm sorry for not knowing to control my emotions

i'm sorry for being dumb

i'm sorry for being a liar

i'm sorry for being a burden

i'm sorry for not being enough of anything

i'm sorry for not knowing what i want

i'm sorry for not giving enough

i'm sorry for existing

i'm sorry for hurting people i love

i'm sorry for wanting to die

i'm sorry for speaking

i'm sorry for being selfish

i'm sorry i can't kill myself

i'm sorry i can't talk to you of my feelings

i'm sorry i'm not a good daughter

i'm sorry i'm not a good sister

i'm sorry for having a list of reasons to kill myself

i'm sorry for making you cry

i'm sorry for making you sad

i'm sorry for hurting you

i'm sorry for hurting myself

i'm sorry for not knowing how to help you

i'm sorry for being disgusting

i'm sorry i can't take care of myself better

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

Boop

#worstdayevehh #iwanttokillmyself

ich bin Multitasking.

ich kann gechillt mit meiner Familie zusammen sitzen und dabei meinen Suizid planen lol

νιώθω μόνη.

ξέρω πως αυτό δε με κάνει ούτε στο ελάχιστο ξεχωριστή.

οι περισσότεροι σαυτη την κοινωνία που ζούμε νιωθουν μόνοι.

αλλά, αυτό που μου κάνει εντύπωση είναι πώς γίνεται

εφόσον οι πιο πολλοί άνθρωποι αισθάνονται μοναξιά

να βρίσκουν συντροφιά..

οξύμωρο, έτσι;

Sometimes I just want to bury myself and not have to deal with the world.

At least for a day or maybe forever?

I don't need you people's comments so Fuck off

People keep asking me how my quarantine is going:

1) I'm a key worker trying to support everyone and look after everyone and the weight of that is killing me

2) I'm in the middle of a break up and being kicked out and trying to find a new place

3) Iv been sat in hospital for the past 3 days because im loosing the one thing iv always wanted.. his baby and where is he... to busy to even see if I'm okay

Not only do I have the weight of the country on my shoulders not only do I have to try and find picky he pieces of my world back up and move forward but now... now I have to suffer and endure the physical and emotional pain of losing a baby..... So to all the people who are enjoying the sun in there back gardens or who are angry because the country is in lock down. Please I would give anything to switch places with you. The worst part... I have know one to talk to. X

Nachts, wenn alles still ist, wird es in meinem Kopf am lautesten.

@selbstzerstoerun9

My most kinniest song rn

being me se siente como estar en el mar, cuando todo se siente en calma, tranquilo y me empiezo a levantar, llega una puta ola de enojo, tristeza y malditos pensamientos intrusivos que ya no quiero tener más y me arruina la puta vida, se siente que me ahogan

y lo peor es que cada vez viene peor

Journaling

So. This week just started out as a really rough week for me. Last week I found out that this kid I knew from Sunday school was admitted into the ICU and was declared brain dead. Apparently, he was complaining to his mom that his chest hurt. What 19 years old would have a heart problem right? So the solution? Tums. He went to COD for class and collapsed. The ambulance came 10 minutes later. I’d like to remind everyone that the brain can only stay without oxygen & glucose for six minutes. So, admitted to ICU, Neurologist declares him brain dead. He’s on a vent, etc. They get a second opinion, this guy says if he starts breathing on his own he will live. On Sunday, he starts responding. Able to hear, open his eyes, and whatnot. Great news, we are all relieved. But he’s not out of the woods yet. 

Then, on Monday my manager tells me the news about the worst possible thing. I have become someone that I hate. People have apparently complained that I am rude, mean, insensitive, entitled and what not. I have no idea what I did wrong and my manager is unable to give me any examples due to keeping the anonymity and what not. I broke down, began crying it was terrible. I feel utterly humiliated. 

I FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A YEAR WANTED TO TAKE A PEN AND STAB IT INTO MY CORONARY ARTERY AND BLEED THE FUCK OUT.

Now mind you, I probably have some form of undiagnosed depression since I’ve been like this since like the 7th grade. Not to mention the fucking rage that I’ve had since then as well. It's been terrible being me. I’ve hated myself more than anyone I know and now I hate myself even more and really want to kill myself so, 

The issue is humiliation always turns into rage and I am now very rageful. Also, I was advised to get a second opinion on the situation so I’m gonna talk to my assistant manager tomorrow to get said opinion and figure out what it is I need to do. So far, I’ve been telling all my coworkers that if I am mean, that they should tell me. That I want their feedback and criticism. I want to change. This isn’t who I want to be. And it's hard. 

Morte em vida

Desperto dos meus sonhos Se foram os momentos risonhos Afasta-se a felicidade, Vem à revolta e a realidade A depressão a cada dia me invade... Fazendo-me mergulhar, Em um mundo de maldade entre choro, desesperos angustiam... Arrependo-me de ter nascido. O bom hoje, pra mim não faz sentido, Não existe sanidade Não existe alguém por mim. Só eu sigo, Adiantando o meu fim. O amor não existe, Existe uma dor, Alguém feliz por te ver chorar! Por isso, sorrio, Mesmo nos caminhos mais sombrios, Às vezes a droga, Ou como tu chamas “O tempo” Assalta-me lágrimas, Lágrimas transparentes, São como serpentes. Do meu futuro não espero nada, Simplesmente encurto minha sentença. Desvio da estrada Talvez um dia perto do meu fim, Mesmo que fim signifique tarde demais, Eu descubra que as pessoas Sabem viver bem mais Do que um bastardo ou incapaz! Provem e lutem por um momento de esperança... Que realmente possam acreditar Que o futuro é cada criança... Desculpe-me, más não me cobre demais, Toda calma e amor não me pertencem mais... Se foram com minha alma! Provem-me que Deus existe, Dêem-me alguma pista, Antes que eu desista... Não grite comigo, Sou confusa e não surda... Finjo-me muito bem de muda, Más quem cala vê e sabe, Muito mais que quem se ilude com a malandragem... Que os governadores e políticos de amanhã... Honrem honestidade, E não a grana da cidade... Parece tão medíocre, que eles caluniem... Sem na eleição, por nós dizem. Promessas e com a mentira oculta se reúnem! Há muito mais crianças nos hospitais, Do que verdades em fulano de tal... Daquela boca sai tanta sujeira... Antes arrancassem à língua. Acabaria a revolta justa Da sociedade sofredora e sem culpa! Aqui grafo e relato A sujeira dos verdadeiros ratos... Ladrões disfarçados de chefões... Morreria feliz se fosse agora, Não sentiria falta... Existem outros mundos afora! Aonde talvez, com os que se foram. Realmente haja amor, verdade, lealdade. Tudo o que nos falta na humanidade...

ich habe nicht vor mit dem Selbstverletzen aufzuhören. momentan ist die Klinge das einzige, was mich am Leben hält.