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ririblogsss · 23 days

Text

Ok so I've read that OCD, can be a by product of trauma.

So what if Danny doesn't relize he is deeply traumatized by the events that happened in his early childhood. By that I mean with all the weapons and chemicals spills around his house and of course his untimely death.

He noticed that his home has no order whatsoever and that's what made it dangerous to live in. He only found comfort in his own room because it was the only space the could truly control, and make sure it was safe.

He started associating organization and cleanliness with safety and security. He has underling fear of coming into contact with contaminants, and that it will bring his whole world to collapse if he does indeed come into contact with one.

So lets say that a revel gone wrong, and Dannys put into foster care and then handed into the Wayne family.

At this point the Bats know that Danny used to be phantom, because lets be real they would immediately figure it out. Yet Danny has no clue they are the bats. He just believes they are a really big family with too much money to know what to do with it.

So Danny someone who has no clue he has OCD but presents most if not all the characteristics.

For instance:

Danny subbing the same spot on the rug for hours trying to get rid of it. Because in his mind if that spot stays bad things will happen.

On another instance he is seen organizing and reorganizing his shelf on a very specified order and continuously going back until he is satisfied.

When he goes to eat he always asks if the food was washed and cleaned properly multiple times.

He always counts if all his cleaning supplies he keeps are there in the morning.

He has a very strict schedule in which he doesn't break and refuses to break, especially his cleaning schedule.

Now the Bats are completely aware of this, and instead of making feel bad about it they help him and reassure him every time.

Examples:

Danny found that in the living room the rug was too dirty, because of the constant influx of people bringing in dirt with them. Of course Alfred always cleans it, but Danny needs to make sure himself. So one of the siblings would help him clean the rug his way, as Danny does it in a very specific way.

Another example is when Danny started cleaning during a movie night because of all the popcorn that was dropped on the floor. The rest just stopped the movie and helped him clean the area, and then resumed the movie careful not to spill more popcorn.

At one point the family was concerned because Danny was moving into a more dangerous zone of the compulsions, such as scrubbing his hands raw because he accidentally touch something 'dirty' without his special gloves.

So they made Bruce ask him if he wanted to go to a therapist and possibly a psychiatrist for his OCD. And Danny just said he didn't have OCD he just wanted things to be clean and organized like everyone else.

in the end he was convinced to go to a therapist so he could learn to manage living with OCD, but he was endlessly happy that he had people to fall back to that didn't judge him, and instead helped him out.

note:

(I just want to say that I don't have OCD myself but a lot of my family members do have it, and ive seen how it affects their daily lives. And I wanted to bring to light that people can't control their obsessions/compulsions but they can learn to manage it so they can live calmer with less anxiety. So I hope I made it as realistic as possible and didn't sound stereotypical or offensive)

#dpxdc #dp x dc #dp x dc crossover

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oracle-of-dream · 10 days

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hi can you do a xiaojun x male reader smut?

I totally can, I've already been trying to write something for him so I'll put it here! It's gonna be in parts so hang tight <3

Never Really Alone

Minors DNI

Summary: A feeling, at the corner of your mind. Always with you–even when you know you're alone. Someone's watching you, following you, getting closer...

Warnings: Male Reader, Stalking, Thunderstorms, Psychological terror, Fear of darkness

Wordcount: 1.5k

As your eyes opened, dark circles under them, you felt it again. The same feeling you've been experiencing for the last few weeks. It feels like you're never truly alone–someone you can't see is always with you. At first, you believed it was just the feeling of settling into your new apartment. You moved in about a month ago, but the feeling followed you outside your apartment.

At Work. The Cafe. Walking down streets. Everywhere you went.

It was to the point that you couldn't stop looking over your shoulder, even in broad daylight. You'd bought a taser, keeping it with you always even when you went to bed. The extra security still never was enough to make you feel safe enough.

You didn't have anyone to talk to about it. You'd just moved because you started a new job, if you told any of your coworkers they'd think you're crazy. Calling your parents was out of the question, they'd see it as a reason to bring you back home. You even thought about seeing a therapist. You could only text your friends from back home, they made you feel heard but couldn't do anything to help you. You were alone.

Work was the only time that you felt okay. You were surrounded by people who were at least semi-familiar, and it made you feel comfortable. But one night, after a long day of work, there was chatter about a get-together of all your coworkers.

"Y/n, you'll come, right?" Your team lead asked.

"No, I'm sorry, not tonight. I... have to look after my cousin tonight," You lied.

Your coworkers didn't press you for more as they left to enjoy each other's company, leaving you alone again. Almost alone. The feeling returned as you walked out of the work building, rushing to get home. The clouds were dark, thunder sounded in the distance, and rain was coming. You liked the rain, the soft sound of rain distracted you from feeling watched. It sometimes even made you smile, having something else to be focused on for a change.

As you got to your apartment, hustling up the stairs, a man stood outside your door. It was your landlord, Xiaojun. He was a thinner man, with black hair, always having a tired look in his eyes–like he never slept, draped in a black sweater you had always seen him in. He was standing outside your door, holding a bundle of mail.

"Hi, y/n," His voice was deep and soothing. "I noticed you hadn't picked up your mail in a while, so I wanted to drop it off."

"Thank you, that's so nice." You put on a smile as you took the mail from him.

"Have a good night, watch out for the storm. I've heard some people have had outages. Call me if anything happens," Xiaojun said as he walked down the hallway before descending the stairs.

You entered your apartment and closed the door, sighing in relief. Xiaojun was a nice man, and you felt safe around him. He offered your apartment to you at a discounted rate, after mentioning how expensive all the others were. He always went out of his way to make you feel comfortable. He also looked pretty handsome when he wasn't super tired.

You put the mail on the counter and then realized–the feeling was gone. You didn't feel like you were being watched... The urge to break down and cry was too powerful as you sobbed silently. Your chest had a weight lifted off of it. But your celebration was short-lived. As soon as you started changing out of your work clothes, you felt a sharp coldness run up your back. It was back. Now you wanted to cry for different reasons.

You took your taser out of your bag and took it with you as you swept through your apartment, just like every day, checking your home. But, just like always, you never found anyone.

You returned to your mail and started to sort it right as your lights went out. Xiaojun mentioned power outages so this is probably it. The storm must've knocked it right out. You stumbled through the darkness that invited itself into your home until you found your phone–Xiaojun asked you to call him if anything happened so he must have a way to fix it...

The phone rang as you waited for him to pick up, the sound of the rain getting louder and less friendly.

"Hello?" Xiaojun's voice came out of your phone.

"Hi Xiaojun, it's y/n, we just spoke?"

"Of course, I know who you are, silly. Can I help you with something?"

"Yeah, you told me to call if my power went out. Is there anything you can do about this?"

Xiaojun was silent for a moment. "I can get a flashlight, and bring it to you if you don't have one. I'll also check your power box, in your laundry room, to see if the circuit tripped."

"I'd appreciate it." You hung up the phone and waited by the door for Xiaojun to arrive. You opened it cautiously as you heard the knock, your camera for the front door was also not working so you couldn't see who it was unless you opened it. A flashing beam of light hit your eyes as they tried to adjust.

"Sorry about that, y/n. I didn't mean to shine you like that." Xiaojun's voice rumbled dryly. You blinked a few times, waiting for the dazzling sensation to fade.

"It's alright, come in," You mumbled as you rubbed your eyes. You felt Xiaojun's arms hold you as he shifted past you, pushing the door with his broad shoulder. You shut the door and followed him as he navigated your apartment, using the flashlight to light the way.

"You live here alone, right?" Xiaojun asked, trying to make conversation.

"Yes, that's right."

"What about your parents?"

"They're far away... I moved out here for a job opportunity, but I'm still trying to see if it was all worth it." You shivered, "What about you?"

"My father passed away, leaving the building for me to rent out."

Xiaojun got to the breaker box and opened it. "Hold this for me?" He handed you the flashlight so he could use both hands to work. You didn't know much about what was happening as he fiddled with wires. "Got a girlfriend?"

"Not really my type."

"Boyfriend?"

"No, I don't have anyone in my life like that..." You sighed.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to–I was just wondering." Xiaojun tried to change the subject, "So how do you like the apartment?"

"It's nice. Cozy."

"Really? No issues, at all? You're the only tenant who doesn't complain about something in their apartment."

"Well..." You hesitated, thinking about the feeling. This was your chance to talk about it. For someone to finally understand. "There's been this... one thing."

"Oh?" Xiaojun said without looking at you.

Your jaw tightened. "I've been having a weird feeling since I moved in. Like I've been followed. It started in the apartment, then went outside. I only don't notice it when I'm at work..."

"That's strange. I haven't heard anything on the news or something. You should be careful, is there any other time you feel okay?"

You blushed at the answer, "Well, I don't feel it now."

"Now?"

"I think it's because you're here?"

"So I'm making you feel safe?" Xiaojun chuckled. "That's so cute. I'll keep you safe, anytime." Xiaojun smiled, trying to focus but couldn't stop thinking about you. He sucked his teeth in frustration. "I think I need to grab a tool, can you hold this in place? It's gotta stay like this for me to fix it." You nodded as Xiaojun guided your hand over his, pressing down on a bundle of wires. "Okay, I'll be right back, so stay put." Xiaojun hopped to his feet, taking the flashlight with him as he left you in the dark. The second you couldn't hear his footsteps anymore, your chest started filling with anxiety. You felt incredibly vulnerable, and you'd left your taser in the kitchen–not wanting to scare your landlord with it. Your breathing got heavier, shadows danced in your vision, and your hands shook as they were glued to the wires.

Then you felt it. The feeling, creeping up your back, was the most intense you'd ever felt. You couldn't hear or see anything, but every hair on your body stood on end.

"W-who's there!?" You shouted into the darkness.

The darkness responded with nothing but dead silence.

You could run to the kitchen, grab your taser, and hide somewhere. But what if you attack Xiaojun by mistake? You needed something, anything. Your mind raced, but even in your panic, you could hear something. Someone breathing. They were excited, ready for you to fight back. You felt more helpless than before. You were doomed from the start. They stepped into the laundry room, finally making a singular footstep.

You stood, trying to see who it was, but only saw a shadow. There was sudden pain, and then darkness.

You were knocked out cold...

To continue, click here!

#oracle of dreams #kpop x male reader #kpop x male reader smut #x male reader #kpop male reader #x reader #xiaojun #wayv #wayv smut #wayv xiaojun #wayv imagines

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helvonasche · 3 months

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i quit?

Update: Privated all my fics, deleted everything from AO3. If you want a copy of anything, let me know, but I'm gonna be real picky about who I give copies of anything to.

Now that I've got your attention: I'm quitting fanfic, not writing.

Not deleting my blog or AO3, either, and I'll still be here.

Most of my stories will be staying right where they currently are. I've deleted any posts that are too personal, and this includes a couple fics. If you notice something is missing or a link has broken, please let me know so I can fix it. I still have copies of everything.

So don't be a cuck and ruin this for everyone else. I want to leave this up because I've had my heart broken by writers deleting everything, but I also understand that impulse.

If not writing fics then what? Books.

The reason I started writing fics in the first place was to practice writing and hopefully get better. But at some point I do have to walk away. I'm still gonna be on Tumblr though. And if you wanna ask about book stuff.. do it?

Emotions and reasons below the cut, but that's it. I'm done posting fics, but still vaguely here.

Ugh. Feelings. Fine.

Basically, I've spent most of a year trying to finish the fics I had left and I can't do it. I've sat at the computer for hours, made and remade plans, tried everything I could find for writer's block, drove my friends fucking nuts, had panic attacks... fuck, dude, I've talked to a fucking therapist about it.. and I barely finished Of The Abyss.

I also just had a fucking shitty year. It nearly killed me, not being melodramatic or using hyperbole. I thought I'd lost everything on three separate occasions in only 8 months. It's changed my perspective on a lot of things, but mostly on how I spend my time.

As terrifying as it is to walk away from the vague comfort that is posting fics on Tumblr, the reason I write has also changed.

But the reason I struggled with quitting fics and have tried to keep posting is because I love this stupid place. Don't get me wrong, the bots and staff suck and some people too, but there's so much good here and I will miss that more than.. fuck. There really aren't words for this. Um.. I'm devastated and crying while writing this? It fucking sucks.

I've made friends here. Real ones. Not going to tag, but you know who you are. You have my address. You know my real name. You've probably spoken on the phone to me. And a very very few have met me. Even the people I don't talk to for any number of reasons (mostly because I can be a shitty friend), you're all wonderful and gave me hope that life isn't as awful as it seemed.

You saved me.

Thank you for giving a creep a chance.

And before anyone can ask or point out that I've been struggling with writing... I have been writing. Just not fanfic.

There's more I want to say, but I'm calling it. Going to stop crying and eat something, then write a book.

<3 hel.

#last update for a while #hopefully not too long

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skinnymeanfaggot · 5 months

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“Lie to me then.”

HI REMEMBER THIS PROMPT CHALLENGE i struggled with this prompt because i wanted to make it firehazard for you but i had no idea where this would come into a conversation. i have a draft where they would be stuck in an elevator and tell lies to each other to pass the time, but instead you get, uh, this

"This is stupid," Anim said for the fifth time. "I'm not gonna tell you all my problems and shit. Just call Zora and say I'm cured so we can both get on with our lives."

"I can't do that," Javier said tiredly. God, he was sick of this. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "You're not doing better, and she's going to notice that and get pissed at both of us for it."

"Maybe she'll just get pissed at you, for being a bad therapist," Anim suggested.

Javier narrowed his eyes. "I'm not a bad therapist, Anim,” he bit out, “you just aren't cooperating with me. It takes -"

"Both of us, I know, I fucking know, but I need you to understand this, buddy, okay?" Anim sat up from the couch and looked at him with wide eyes. "I can't be fixed. You can't fix me. So quit fucking trying."

"Maybe, if you just considered opening up, for once -"

Anim started pulling at their hair in what Javier knew was distress. "Well, I'm not fucking doing that! Because whenever I try to do that I start freaking out -"

"Which means it's working," Javier cut them off. "It means you're finally letting it out."

"I thought you were supposed to make me feel better!" Anim exclaimed.

"No, I'm not supposed to 'help you feel better,'" Javier said slowly. "I'm supposed to help you make yourself feel better -"

"By telling you all this embarrassing and revealing shit from my childhood?! I'm not fucking doing that!" Anim snapped.

"Fine!" Javier slammed his clipboard down, then breathed in slowly. "Lie to me, then. And lie to yourself. Keep telling yourself that things are okay, when they clearly aren't -”

“I am okay!” Anim snarled.

“You aren't!” Javier snapped. “And you know how I know that?!” Fuck, his heart was pounding in his ears. He could barely think. “It's because every fucking day I see you, it's always the same goddamn act - ‘oh look at me, I'm Anim, I'm so tough, no one can hurt me -'” he threw up his hands for effect “- but it's so fucking obvious to everyone that you aren't. You're not hot shit. You're just a scared fucking kid.”

“I'm not a kid!” Anim shrieked, rising to their feet, and oh, he's really done it now, but he was in far too deep to stop.

“You are! You haven't aged a day since I met you - literally - you're that same scared 19 year old my sister turned because she wanted a new thing to play with -”

“Don't talk about her that way!" Anim's eyes were blazing with fury, they looked like they were going to attack him -

“I'm not an idiot, Anim!” Fuck, God, he could barely breathe. “I've been used before! I know you've been used before, but you're letting her treat you like this because it's all you've ever known and you're more scared of change than you are getting better!”

Javier didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. The breath was knocked out of him as his shoulders were pinned against the wall, and he was strong but he knew he couldn't compete with their vampiric strength. Anim's teeth were bared in a snarl; they were more than furious at this point, with tears burning in their eyes, fangs out - oh, fuck, they were going to head for his neck - Javier bared his throat and waited for the end.

It never came.

There was something innately horrifying, to be fair, about attacking someone and watching them give in so easily. Javier was twice their size and yet he submitted without a second thought - that was, that was something he had to unpack, he realized - but on top of that, he could see they were starting to come to their senses and see - oh, God, they were trying to kill him -

They let go almost immediately, and a hand rose to clutch at their face. “Oh, fuck,” they breathed. “No - no, I - oh shit, I'm sorry - fuck, I didn't - I wasn't -”

“It's okay,” Javier breathed. “I know you wouldn't -”

“I can't - I - fuck - I have to go - I need - to go -” They were backing away from him like he was some wild animal, and not just some human, a pathetic human who knew he had pushed them too far, knew he had fucked up, and underneath that shame there was this sick pleasure of knowing that he got to them, he got the reaction he wanted - and he felt fucking disgusting.

Fuck. He wanted to hurt them. He wanted them to hurt him.

“Anim, I'm sorry,” he whispered.

“No, I - I - I have to go. I have to go.” Anim stared at him, at their hands, and back at him, stared at his shoulders which they both knew were bruising under his shirt where they grabbed him, and backed away.

Javier didn't look up; he only heard the door to his office click shut, and he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

hurt people hurt people! this takes place before some much needed character development when anim is like, 21/22 and going through the worst of their shit. and then javier isnt much better because he doesnt know how to help them with their shit because hes dealing with the exact same shit. guy who is like "you deliberately put yourself in danger because its all you know and it makes you feel normal! now im going to make you attack me!" which kind of seems to imply that someone has Done this before, and theres a reason why him not being turned was a mutual decision between him and his mother. bitches will be scared of becoming their abusers and then both act like their abusers unconsciously in fits of rage. one of my favorite things ive written lately i think. ty for this ask

#ocs

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mentally-illenial · 1 year

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Ugh my last personal post was mega ultra long and I don't want to add to it so here's a meds/ADHD update btw so

⚠️ CONTENT WARNING ⚠️: health talk, mental health talk, meds talk, adhd

Per my docs orders, I started my stimulant medication, at 10mg slow release per day. There was an instant and noticeable improvement in my mental functionality, IMHO. The overlapping and uncontrollable constant random thoughts simply... stopped. It was a bit creepy and lonely at first tbh. But because of the soft, controllable nature of my thought space now, it's obviously easier to focus on what I'm doing, what's going on around me, and taking things one step at a time. I've been noticing tiny, tiny details about everything around me, too; it's like my brain had bad vision, but didn't realize it until it got fitted for it's first pair of glasses lol, and now suddenly each tree it sees is not simply a blob of green, but thousands of beautiful, individual leaves. But somehow the most incredible benefit of that the executive dysfunction has been absolutely obliterated. It's almost too much for me to accept and understand. Before, it's like most of my tasks and daily to dos were trapped behind an impenetrable glass wall; I could clearly see everything I needed to accomplish, and I knew how to do it, and I desperately WANTED to do it, but the wall could not be passed. Now, the wall is suddenly gone. No barriers. I just think of something I need or want to do, anything, significant or simple, and simply DO it. No stress, no anxiety, so sense of arrest and inability. It's indescribably incredible. It may seem so simple to someone who hasn't had to experience executive dysfunction, but it is life altering for me, simply night and day. I can live efficiently and productively, in a way I never have in all my 36 years of life before. It's simultaneously exciting, empowering, depressing, and frustrating lol. I'm certainly mourning the lost possibilities of my past self, but I am also optimistically embracing my new future opportunities to be my best self.

As per my doctor's advice, after a few days on 10mg, I bumped up to 20mg to see if it would help or if it wasn't needed. It wasn't needed lol. At that point, I was feeling cracked out; way too energetic, a little manic, unable to relax. My mind was nearly racing. So I've stepped back down, and I think 10mg is where I am for now. I'm sure it'll take more time to really feel out where my needs are, but some of those needs can't be supported by medication alone, and will need healthy habits installed and support from a therapist. That's my next step anyway, consistent counseling. I have to learn to develop all those independent, self regulating behaviors I was unable to cultivate in the past.

But yeah, overall, a very good experience 🙏. I feel optimistic.

#personal fitblr #me #health & fitness #healthblr #self care #mental health #mental illness #adhd #medication #medicine #stimulants #tw #2023 me

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officiallyisagibrainrotted · 1 year

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#4:𝕺𝖋𝖋 𝖔𝖋𝖋 𝖜𝖎𝖙𝖍 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖉 𝖉𝖆𝖓𝖈𝖊 𝖉𝖆𝖓𝖈𝖊 𝖙𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖞𝖔𝖚'𝖗𝖊 𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖉(𝕺𝖋𝖋 𝖔𝖋𝖋 𝖜𝖎𝖙𝖍 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖉 𝖗𝖚𝖓 𝖗𝖚𝖓 𝖔𝖗 𝖞𝖔𝖚'𝖗𝖊 𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖉)☠☠

With my boy Reo!!!!!!!!!

I 💞u

Off off with your head run run or you're dead.

It Halloween night, his parents are out of town , he has a big ass house and lots of money. And not to mention he just got over a toxic relationship.

Yeaahhh perfect for a Halloween party. Rich boy Reo decided to throw a Halloween costume party at his mansion. He had invited all his friends from school. All of them had face coverings but he was able to figure out who was who based on judgement.

All but one,a bunny mask. He just couldn't put his finger on who it was . He was positive he knew everyone at the party with mask or without .

Everytime he would try to approach the masked figure they would slip into the crowd or one of his friends would stop him from a chat.

As his friend is going on and on about how good the party is he looks over his shoulder and notice the bunny maks again. This time looking dead at him. But was quick to dissappear into one of the restricted zones.

He got a good look at her though,her hands in particular. Since the set of acrylic nails they had on look strangly familiar.

He excuses himself when his friend is mid sentence and navigates to where the suspicious figure lead.

He watched as they disappeared into a corner . Getting a glimpse of the long (H/c) before they turned the corner. They also had on a full bunny suit,revealing a familiar body shape and a tattoo on the side of you exposed thigh.

Yes it has to be you,he's the one who paid for your nail appointment and the tattoo.

And your custom you had on was similar to the one the one you told you were gonna wear for Halloween.

At this point he was running after you.

''(Y/n), stop! I know it you!''. He shouted as he finally turns the corner.

He was now far deep into his own mansion,far from where he can be heard for sure.

You were always a sneaky one,The definition of don't judge a book by its cover. All terrible things you did to him while you two were together. It was mostly psychological torture but it still landed him in weekly therapy. That he had just finally completed. His therapist said he showed growth and definitely won't be needing therapy any longer.

But just scencing your presence was enough to make him want to retreat into a corner like he always did when you would verbally abuse him.

"Just come out dammit!".

"Here I am". Your voice came from behind him. Causing him to turn around to face you.

''How the hell did you get in here?!".

You giggled as you slipped off your mask."Come on Reo you came to your house every day when we were dating. I know my way around,Remember when you were grounded and you'd seek me in without your parents knowing".

He was visible trembling. "J-just why are you here?".

"Isn't that obvious, darling I wanna get back together again".

"No". He wasn't hesitant. "Are you crazy?"

''I knew you'd say that". You whisper as your hand reaches for something that was hidden from his line of sight.

An ax.

His breath got caught in his throat.

''Stay the fuck away from me!". He shouted as he began to make a run for it.

"If I can't have you then no one can''. You only chased after him.

'Dance ,dance till you're dead'.

You gasp excitedly when you heard you favorite song.

"You remember Reo this was the song that was playing when we first met!''.

'Heads'll roll heads'll roll on the floor!'

He tries to tune out your voice and focus on running.

'Dance ,dance till your dead'

''That's right Reo,Off off with your head!''.

You mimic the words of the song as you cloes in on him.

''Run run or....'', you pause as you finally caught up to him ,swinging the ax back and,"You're dead!''.

'Head'll roll heads'll roll on the floor'.

#blue lock #blue lock x reader #blue lock x female reader #blue lock reo #blue lock reo x reader #blue lock reo x female reader #bllk #blue lock halloween #blue lock halloween x reader #blue lock Reo x halloween event #🎃#blue lock isagi #blue lock kunigami #blue lock sae #blue lock shidou

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secretphantomsworld · 1 year

Text

Heartbreak💔

Chrollo Lucilfer

Warning: yandere theme

You were sitting here.... again....

sadly you felt so heartbroken that you weren't sure you could do this alone. Your boyfriend recently cheated on you, so you had decided to break up with him, even though it hurt you a lot because you trusted him more than anyone else in the world.

The heartbreak was more than you could bare on your own and you had admitted that you needed help. Your friend had recommended you to go to a therapist. Not knowing what else to do, you had agreed with the idea.

The waiting room felt comfortable and warm. You weren't expecting it to look this comforting.

" Ma'am do you have an appointment?" A nice looking receptionist asked you. She had dark brown hair and brown eyes. You nodded your head; "yes I have an appointment scheduled at 10"

"Alrighty let me check that out for you!" She answered and started typing away on her computer. " Yes I have found you! You can go and sit in one of the chairs here if you'd like since there are still 5 minutes left" she said while smiling.

There you were, sitting in the waiting room waiting on your turn. You were wondering if this was a good idea and thought of bailing out. At that point however, it was already too late because your heard your name being called out.

"Guess I have no other choice now" you thought. You stood up and made your way to the room the lady at the desk was pointing to.

You knocked on the door and heard someone inside tell you to come in, so you did. "Welcome! Nice to finally meet you!" A man with brown hair said. "My name is Dave." The session began, and you were still hesitant to trust this "Dave" guy. He seemed friendly but then again, you can't just trust him after all that you have been through with your ex.

Dave had invited you to come back tomorrow and visit him again. You had accepted this proposal since you did want to get better again.

While walking out, you noticed a man in the waiting room. He had black hair and Grey eyes and he was staring at you. You quickly got out and went home.

After this, you had visited him multiple times and with each time you started to feel more and more comfortable. The man in the waiting room had showed up a couple of times again.

As you walked in, you looked back at the waiting room to see if he was there again, but he wasn't. You walked up to the reception and this time there was someone new behind the counter. She had short, blonde hair and was pretty tall.

´´Hello!´´ she said, as she looked at you. ´´Here for your appointment?´´

you nodded your head and she asked for your name.

´´I see you right here in the system, you can go ahead and walk into that room!´´

The room you walked up to wasn't Dave's office.

Regardless, you walked up to the office and knocked on the door and the moment the first knock could be heard, the door opened.

You looked up to see a man that didn't look like Dave, he had black hair and these Grey eyes. Am I in the wrong place?

΅Hello, you must be Dave's client? You were a referral from him since he said he had a hard time dealing with how to find solutions for your problems.´´

´'Why has this not been discussed with me?´' you had asked, not knowing where this suddenly came from. You saw Dave as a friend by now and to hear that he didn't want to work with you hurts a lot.

"He just has been having a hard time himself and he wanted a break."

¨Ohh...´´

΅Don't worry ill take great care of you¨

You were reluctant but eventually agreed, not wanting to start something.

After a few sessions with a new therapist, you actually started to develop a small crush and this made you feel panicked after all that happened with your ex. You had decided to stop going to sessions.

You were on your way to the office while thinking of how to explain your reasons. Eventually, you got to the door and walked into the office of the man you had been starting to trust more and more.

"Hello my dear, we meet again." He said while having a small smile on his face.

"Yes I actually wanted to discuss something with you... I don't think I'll be coming back for another session"

His face didn't change, he just stared at you with that smile stuck on his face.

"And why is that? You still need my help, without my help you will feel just as worse as you did before I helped you."

"I just want to try and live life on my own."

"Ohh I see but you see, I can't let you do that."

"Why not?" You asked.

"Because that's the whole reason I'm your therapist, you're mine."

"What?" You asked, while slowly backing up towards the door.

"I'm not a real therapist, I'm just here to get my treasure."

At that moment, you opened the door and ran out and while you were running towards the exit, the woman that had always greeted you so nicely, stood there guarding the exit.

You ran to the bathroom, and there you did a horrible discovery. Dave was....

Dead.

You wanted to turn around to run away but then he caught you.

"It's okay my love, I will always catch you when you fall but for now take a rest, as I said before I will take good care of you."

And with that, you passed out.....

#kuroro #chrollo lucilfer #phantom troupe #chrollo #yandere

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whatimdoing-here · 1 year

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Seizure talk under cut because I need to talk it out.

After not having one since basically January, I've had 2 in just over 2 weeks. Last night's was the worst in over a year. It's also the first one I've had start when I was awake in almost 3 years (2nd time ever out of 12).

I was getting small fry in bed, had tucked him in, and noticed I was having a little sensory one, but then it didn't end, and I could not comprehend what he was saying. So I got up and by the time I hit the hallway I knew it wasn't going to, so I mentioned it as much as I could to M, but at that point I was losing my ability to say words, too.

Laid down, knew it was getting worse, and then the next thing I remember is M talking to me. He gets me to come around and then asks all the questions to make sure I'm okay (that you're supposed to ask when someone seizes). Problem being THAT part is super anxiety inducing to me, because I still have trouble understanding him, and I legitimately can't figure it out at first. Last night took longer than normal for me to fully be able to answer who I am, who he is, what happened, where we were. All the while I'm also frustrated as fuck and pissed because I hate this more than I can say. That my brain freaks out and electrocutes me and there's nothing I can do. Last night I only convulsed for a minute, but then was still unconscious for another two, then took about a half hour to be able to really converse.

I also worry about the nerve endings in my arm. I've been having a lot of arm pain. There weren't any obvious triggers yesterday, which is also worrisome. Besides maybe getting close to ovulation. The day after the one two weeks ago was pretty terrible. Hopefully today will be better, though my head is killing me.

All the while, I'm also really worried about M. It's not easy to watch someone you love go through this I'm sure. Last night he seemed especially not okay after I was okay. He doesn't let on about it, but the way he's quiet and just obviously worried. Also I think that on a normal week he would have been working last night isn't lost on him. T dude knows what he's supposed to do if it happens, but it's still scary.

Ugh. Words can't explain how much I hate this. I constantly have anxiety over any little thing that could be a preseizure symptom even though 99% of the time it's not, and even if it is there's literally nothing I can do about it. You can't stop a seizure. And overall I don't have a bad case I don't know how people deal with more than this. And now of course I'm like do I have a brain tumor? Is something else going on?

That's all. I'm sad, frustrated, pissed. Needed to rant about it.

(also this is why talking to my therapist about what my life/relationship would look like if m and i split or opened up our marriage is so scary to me.)

#i have rhe next 5 days off so that's good

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krahenschrei · 5 days

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An Aquarius Opening Up

Random journal-ish entry because I need to get the feelings out somewhere or the Bees™ in my head will detonate.

For a whole lot of reasons I'm not the sort of person who likes to talk about their feelings or anything about myself that isn't like basic surface level things and that's kinda always been the case. I keep everyone in my life at a certain level of distance, some closer or further than others, but not my family, my therapist, or friends have ever gotten to any really deep layers of who I am or anything like that.

But something changed recently. I can't pinpoint when and I don't know if there was any specific trigger or if it just happened gradually without me noticing.

I've been with my boyfriend fo a little over two years now and I've always felt comfortable telling him mostly anything but even he unfortunately was held at a certain distance. Closer than anyone else has ever been, certainly, but still something in me kept me from letting down my walls entirely. I know part of my issue stems from having to be the strong one my whole life for everyone - family, friends, etc. - I was the tough, stable person that held it together for everyone else and made sure things were taken care of or at the very least, anyone affected by something was able to talk to me about their feelings and basically use me as a sounding board to process and usually that would turn me into the therapist friend as well. I was not 'allowed' to have the same courtesy though because if I spoke about my feelings, I was invalidated or made to feel guilty for expressing myself because I "made them feel bad" and was told more than once by specific people in the past that me just wanting to discuss something bad that happened "upset them" and I was made to drop it, even if it had nothing to do with the person I was talking to.

But lately I've found myself just saying things to my boyfriend that are usually things I would keep to myself. Nothing weird or bad, just thoughts and feelings that sit deeper inside me that I would've never expressed to anyone else. There have been times I've said things and realized it but felt no embarrassment or shame like I might have if it had slipped in front of anyone else. I've been taking stock of how I feel during those times and it's an unusual sense of calmness and just… being okay. Like I don't feel excessive happiness or anything, it's not a euphoric moment, it's just… natural and good. It feels safe. I have never in my life felt safe with anyone, not even family members that I knew did genuinely love and care about me - because I felt they would still betray my trust somehow at some point.

He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel okay. I feel comfortable and have this deep sense of understanding that there's no shame or guilt or fear here. There's no need to compete, no need to argue and debate to make my feelings be taken seriously or validated. There's no need to posture and express an unhealthy level of generosity in order to 'prove' that I'm worth keeping around.

Last year was hard. The first quarter of this year has been hard too for different reasons but now, coming into May, I just feel… good. I feel content. It's an unusual sensation. Trauma, mental illness, and just being an annoying air sign has made my whole life feel like a constant state of needing to prove to everyone around me that I deserve to be here, that I deserve love and care and to be heard, that I am not somehow less important than those around me just because I'm different than they are. There's just been these little moments for the last month or so that make me stop and think like… Yeah, this is good. This is right. I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm loved. This is what it should feel like.

I feel authentic. I feel like my genuine self thanks to him. I feel like for once, someone doesn't think I'm some alien weirdo that can't function properly and just doesn't try hard enough or feels things the 'wrong way.' I don't get into constant panicked states worrying if he's losing interest in me. I don't constantly stress myself out and worry myself physically sick about making some frantic display of reminding him that I'm there and don't want to be replaced and I'm good enough. I don't have to fight for his attention, he just gives it because he wants to, because he wants me, and I guess part of me is still learning how to accept that. No one's ever wanted me without it being conditional somehow.

It's a lot to process and there's still even more I haven't fully wrapped my head around. I hope I'll be able to give him that same sense of safety and acceptance. He deserves it. I hope I can love him as perfectly as he's loved me.

#krahe journal #rambling about feelings and bf

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skinnidreamss · 3 months

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Fuck tumblr

I've been scrolling through this blog for the past 2 hours. I don't even know how to feel. I guess the word "nauseous" would come to mind first. Ana tumblr has taken my fucking childhood from me and I gave it away happily.

I was fucking warned and I didn't listen. I would do anything to be able to stop my 13 year old self from ever discovering this place. I wish I could tell her that she really wasn't that fat, but the adults around her were trying to live through her and feeding her lies about how "dangerous" her very much healthy BMI was. I was just chubby. I was just a kid. I trusted everyone around me because they were adults and they were supposed to know everything, but it turns out that they were even more clueless than me.

I guess maybe when I found out that ED Tumblr, a place that is literally based on toxicity shared a few of the beliefs that these people would tell me, I should've been a bit concerned. But I wasn't. And I just fell into this rabbit hole that I don't think I will ever get out of. The things you learn here follow you forever. I can be happy and having a good day, eating something and the part of my brain that developed under the influence of this hell will remind me of some idiotic quote I read in a pretty font at 14. "once on the lips, forever on the hips", or some shit like that. And just like that, my day is ruined.

The truth is, I haven't been on here for a full year. My last post is from february 3rd 2023. It's february 6th 2024 now. I've been trying to heal, sort of. About 6 months ago, I started losing weight in a healthy(?) way. I think. I can't even tell at this point. After all these years, it's impossible to think about weight loss without triggering some horrible memories and starting some old habits again. I've had some close calls, but I haven't relapsed. I haven't starved myself the way I used to in a year. It's getting better.

I logged in today thinking I might delete this account once and for all. I decided to scroll through it and to my horror, I realized that I have repressed a lot of memories about my eating disorder. I had forgotten very big parts of my life and what my diets used to look like. I don't even know how to react and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. It's stuff that was happening a year and a half ago. One of the things I regret a lot is not journaling throughout my teenage years. But this blog has a ton of journal entries that reminded me of stuff my brain tried to erase. Like, for example. MY FUCKING THERAPIST TOLD ME THAT IF I TRULY WANTED TO LOSE WEIGHT, I WOULD???? WHat the actual fuck??????? I remember being very hurt about that and thinking about it a lot for a while, before getting back on tumblr and finding some crazy diet to do, after a while of actually doing better. If I hadn't found the post I made about it at the time, I would've probably forgotten about it forever. And there's probably so much shit that I will never remember again. The crazy thing is that although I had pretty much forgotten all of the things I wrote on here, they still hurt me somehow.

I am just so fucking angry at everything and anyone. I hate tumblr and everything about ed tumblr. My brain feels rotten from all the shit I learned here. I am getting better, but I've been having a shitty day so I guess I needed someplace to rant. I am angry at the complete lack of attention that everyone in my life gave me when it came to my diet. I used to be scared that they would find out and try to stop me from starving myself. But I slowly realized that I could show as many signs of an unhealthy diet as I wanted. Nobody ever noticed, or if they did, they just didn't give a shit. I was doing stuff that if a skinnier girl did, it would've raised a million red flags to everyone. But because I was fat, I guess it was fine.

I'm not gonna get into any more of my trauma anymore because if I start, I might just never stop writing.

I'll be 19 in two months. Everyone else I know has discovered themselves, bettered themselves, found friends and even love. All I've discovered in the past 6 years is how to lose and gain back the same 10 kg over and over and over again in the most disgusting and painful ways.

But whatever.

Life goes on. I owe it to my younger self to get better. I truly believe it's possible to do this in a healthy way. I will keep trying to be better and hopefully the anger will fade away in time and I will finally be able to heal from all of this. Someday.

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thedysphoriadiaries · 11 months

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Entry 53 - 2 June 2023, 3:31am

I'm supposed to be doing something with my life, but I'm not.

I don't know where this apathy came from. Was it from the learned helplessness?

In a way, I feel that the only time and place my identity exists, is in the words that come out of my mouth when I speak to others. Other than that, it's just a blank slate.

There are moments where I try so hard to feel something, but my mind just comes up with a blank, every time. I feel trapped in an ocean. I'm just below the surface.

But I can never pierce it, to get my air.

...

He sounds a little gay.

Something I've noticed is that I'm never comfortable with my voice, only the voices of other characters apart from myself - Gyoza, the various soft toys I've played with as a child, and even some game characters, like Xol, in the Whisper Of The Worm activity. There was a point in time where I could... sink my throat all the way down, and do a little something to it, to get a really, REALLY deep, but weak voice.

Either way, someone said that about me.

It makes me see how... far I've deviated from the average guy. The ones who say ‘bro’ to each other.

I feel alone again, in that weird middle ground of not relating to being cis, but yet not exactly relating to being trans. And, the girls know I'm not from their world. The bulge in my pants tells them so. My hair (which used to be shoulder-length) tells them so. My face. My tone. All those tell them that I'm not a girl.

...

Even if I want to be one.

...

When you're done in the clothing store, come meet me outside.

That sentence from a friend of mine shook me from my daydream.

I pan the camera around my character again; she's dressed in a floral babydoll dress, with a pair of high heels. A pair of wiry, circular-frame glasses perches on her face, as I flit through the options posed to me, with regard to character customization.

I like looking at her and dressing her up. It's oddly... calming. Granted, that character was how I was expressing myself to the digital world of GTA Online, but still, it was... calming.

Dressing as a girl rarely calms me nowadays. Ever since the little fiasco with my size, and the size of typical womens' garments happened, I've stopped caring. It feels like a thing to be guilty of. It feels as if I'm stopping this because of the emotional slapback that comes with knowing that no matter what I do, or what I say, or become, this body was born male.

I don't know if I can keep being a part-time girl, even if it does make me a little happier at times. It's lonely and tiring, especially when I see other men do the same thing, but not get tired of it the same way I am.

...

Two buttons present themselves before me. One changes my sex, and the association that everyone has (and had) towards me.

The other erases all doubt about my gender. It makes me a cis guy.

I do not know which button to press, and I joke with a fellow trans woman that my therapist would say that there was no real need to press either of the buttons if I was unsure.

We both get a laugh out of it for different reasons, I suppose.

I wouldn't know if I wanted to press the first button, because... I'd feel like I was copping out of a life I couldn't handle. I'd feel like there was something I could have missed about guyhood which made me dislike it. And I would remember it. Plus, what if I do that, only to find out I'm cis?

The second button is not appealing for a far more straightforward reason: I can't imagine a version of myself who never felt the obsession (to the point of anger) with being a woman.

But, I am in the room. For now, at least. I... can leave the room at any time I like, though, I feel like it's not the first time I've been here, nor will it be the last time.

I want to push a button before I die.

That is my only condition.

...

I know which one I'd choose.

...

cool song time

also, my energy nowadays:

-unimpressed glaring-

#Spotify

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rabbitindisguise · 1 year

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After a couple hours of self reflecting I realized that the kink group I was trying to be a part of was (through no fault of their own) contributing to my utter insanity over the past couple of months

I think the combination of trying to seek approval and emotional flashbacks just made it impossible to function. On one hand, it pushed me to talk about things I was avoiding talking about, but on the other I was avoiding talking about them because the little goblin that lives in my brain wants to sabotage everything I love by making the worst way to say things the most appealing for no reason.

And it's so easy to be like "I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine" that it's hard to notice that I'm losing out on hard won progress for . . . nothing . . .

I don't have anyone to blame but myself for it. I don't know what's worse about that: I could have prevented it and didn't, or that the worst moment of the past three years is connected to me finally being willing to talk about a minor uncomfortable thing that had been bothering me for awhile. And I can't believe I have to be grateful for even a scrap of self control that could have made the situation much worse- I could have lashed out even more, or completely destroyed any amount of respect or chance to gain respect or any affection for me whatsoever, and it's chilling. I have a migraine appointment a couple hours from now and my main focus is trying to pen myself in to not do anything else stupid, deleting all of the advice I got from generic Relationship advice from the internet and reminding myself to never google anything ever again, and just laying in like, paralyzed fear in bed.

And in some ways it finally slotted something into place that I've been trying to hammer home since forever, that if I have something that upsets me and I get clarification and it makes me feel better that's the whole fucking point. That if I trust someone more than anyone else then they're a good person for me to be around. That if someone makes me happy that is a sign that I'm loved and cared for.

I feel like for good long time I've been acting on the script I was being told that I had to do in order to not be hurt. I didn't know any other way to function. Now it's like . . . Instead of protecting myself, I need to protect the people I care about from me. And no one seems to get this. My therapist, my friends outside of people close to me- they're like "oh! You seem fine! You seem nice!" and I don't know what to do to get them to stop saying that. I wouldn't feel like I needed a reality check on what I want to say if I was a nice person. There is evidence that I am not a nice person that people refuse to accept. It makes me worry that my friends are not nice people (excluding, again, Zach who mostly just goes hmmmmmm in a reassuring way) which is the insanity again !!!! Why is my first impulse to think everyone is mean but me?

I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't know how to prevent this from happening. Every time I think I catch it, there's just a worse unexpected problem. I think I'm never going to be done. I'll always be sitting here trying to do the basic normal human person thing of not feeling the dread that something is wrong around me and I don't know what it is.

Having followers on Tumblr, trying to get approval, trying to be acceptable, respectable, to get access to resources from the government, it all makes me insane. There's some kind of undercurrent to everything that's like, if I talk to a human person in person I'm going to explode in private. And it can be panic attacks where I take it out on myself, or being cruel to people I care about, or so many other things, but there's an equal and opposite reaction to meeting people that causes this. I used to get so stressed visiting Zach (don't anymore, now it's a relief compared to Strangers) that I would spend the month after absolutely out of touch with the material plane of existence.

The unfortunate thing is the best solution I have right now is to lean into self directed panic attacks. It's the most effective way to manage things. If I spend the whole time panicking about that, there's no potential to direct it elsewhere. I'm going to have to start inducing one on purpose to get it out of my system after every scary interaction outside my house. And that's insane! It's insane. I'm tempted to not go out this weekend or ever again, frankly. I'm really scared of myself. I don't know how I could ever confuse someone I care about for something potentially dangerous to me, and I don't know why my brain reacts to people like a pathogen or something. I feel like I'm in one of those movies where someone is in a harmless situation acting like they're getting mauled because they're on a lot of drugs, or someone running through fun house mirrors, or getting sedated and confused about the doctors saying gibberish.

It's frightening that I feel like it would be super easy to get stuck in the insanity spiral again as I'm trying to untangle this. Thankfully, something reassuring is that this might just be the Enormity of a feeling I've successfully beaten back many times (fear of my parents), it was just so big it was hard to vanquish. I empathize a lot more with war veterans, I feel like I sort of get their whole . . . everything about stuff sometimes. For now I just know that home is safe, and everything else is Scary.

I am definitely taking a Lyft tomorrow to avoid going on the bus.

#personal #mental illness

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yuzuparfait · 1 year

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Journal #5

Hey again, Blog!

This week has felt like a long, dragged out mess with way too many ups and downs. As this week comes to an end, the next one marks the midway point of the semester, which means that the deadlines for a majority of my assignments have been rapidly approaching. I would be lying to myself and everyone around me if I claimed to be totally fine and not feeling even a little unhinged in the slightest.

If there's a gif out there to represent how I've been feeling throughout this week, it'd be the one below.

It's a completly accurate visual representation of me forcing myself to the mrt station for an hour long train ride, just so I don't miss the bus back home.

I would say my assignments have been going pretty slowly but steadily. However, there was one that had me on the verge of ripping my hair out by the fistful after we discovered one of our groupmates was so insanely incompetent that we had to redo an entire survey that had already recieved 130+ responses. The fact that they had the audacity to say they did their best irks me to no end.

Especially when their section of the survey was what forced us to redo it, and they barely sent it to anyone to fill up the first time around. Maybe sometimes your best isn't enough and you should accept that, tamp down your ego and stop making yourself look like the victim for once. Humans make mistakes, you can't always be perfect, but if you don't learn from them it's no wonder no one likes you. But what do I know, I'm not a therapist.

Moving on to more lighthearted things, speaking of catching busses and trains, every Friday I experience something pretty hilarious. For context, my brother works from home in a company that follows American timezones, which means that when I wake up at 5 AM to catch the bus for my 8AM classes, he's just finished working a 9-5.

I could not resist the urge to edit the video below just to show you what it feels like when I blearily stumble past him in the pitch black darkness of the hallway at 5 AM, with nothing but my phone's torchlight illuminating my path to the kitchen. (I wake up thirsty, sue me.)

[P.S. The video contains flashing lights! Please look away if you're sesnitive to them!]

Sometimes I get the worst jumpscare of my life when the torchlight shines onto a tall figure hunched over a faintly glowing microwave. He's always so zoned out that he doesn't notice me at all until I turn on the kitchen lights.

Classes ended a little early on Friday, we were let go at 4:30PM instead of the usual 6-6:30PM, which was great since I was planning to go to the Pasar Malam (Night Market) with a couple of friends (Nyiim, Aki and Redox). What wasn't great was the fact that it was raining. Heavily. With a capital H.

When I arrived at the station near the market, my friends and I had to wait it out until the wind didn't threaten to steal our umbrellas and the rain didn't offer us free showers with potentially acidic water. Now, despite the fact that i'd reminded them to bring their umbrellas, I was stupid enough to leave mine in my friend Nyiim's car. This resulted in Aki and I sharing her umbrella as we explored what the market had to offer. Nyiim and Redox also helped to shield my idiot self from the rain when they could.

If you've kept up with my entries, you'd know why it looks like I hang out with mascots.

Despite the heavy rain, the market was bustling with activity from every corner. Vendors were shouting to promote their products, ear-piercing Chinese EDM blasted through waterproof speakers, and the clank of metal spatulas against steaming hot woks were what made the atmosphere special.

I always admire how hardworking the vendors are, no matter rain or shine, or even floods and treacherous winds, they'll still be setting up their stalls for the long night ahead. No matter the problem that arises, they'll be ready to sell what they had planned for the day. Despite how the market is much smaller than the one at Taman Connaught, it had a large variety of food and items. From Salt-baked Crabs and even knock-off Genshin Impact keychains, you can probably find something for everyone.

We took our time browsing through our options and ended up getting quite a good amount of food to chow down on for dinner. We also purchased some drinks from an extremely affordable store called Mixue. I personally bought some Taiwanese style fried chicken and a Chinese-Chive and Egg pie from the market and washed it down with some lemonade (only RM 2!).

We headed home pretty late but it was really fun walking through a night market with friends for the first time, eventhough I ended up pretty soaked. The last time I'd even gone to one was even before the pandemic hit us, all the way back in 2019. At the end of the day, Nyiim drove Aki and I home, god bless her soul I will always be so grateful for her.

This was a pretty good way to end the week! It's always important to realise that while things are rough, they may improve, even if it takes a little longer. I hope this entry was fun to read, and maybe you readers could give me some suggestions on what to buy from the market too!

Until next time!

#It was really fun!#Feels like the calm before the storm though #Gotta keep an eye out for what life is preparing to throw at me next #JENTRY

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deviantpastry · 1 year

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is there a word for when something you kinda sorta noticed a while ago becomes glaringly obvious? if not, there should be.

so. tonight I was reflecting on the chat I had with my parents earlier. and I was thinking about how whenever my mom mentions going to the casino, I feel ... sad and angry and resigned all at once.

and I weirdly remembered a conversation I had in therapy years ago. we were talking about how distant my mom and I are and how I need to accept that there is a point of no further improvement in our relationship and everything that goes along with that. and I said something like "this is gonna be as good as it gets. she only built a relationship with my sister because they've been going to casinos together since my sister turned 21."

and the therapist was like. hold on. does your mom have a gambling addiction?

and like. I had talked pretty openly about the abusive shit and processed all that and had not once mentioned the casinos.

and tonight that memory of therapy came back and I realised that I ... never talk about the gambling addiction. I talk about the abuse, sometimes, with people I'm close to. but not even all of them know about the gambling.

and like ... I'm just sitting with this realisation and wondering why. why don't I talk about it?

I guess it's easier to talk about abuse than addiction because ... abuse is ... more tangible? you can talk about things said and done and people can understand?

but ... saying "I resent my mom putting gambling above all else, especially her family"? like ... how do you say that you spent so much time in casino arcades that you developed strategies with your siblings on the precise angles needed to beat the machines? that you were weirdly comfortable with hotels because you were in them every weekend? that you knew where the good buffets were?

it sounds like you're moaning about going on holiday all the time.

but it wasn't anything like that. casinos are always dark and loud. they stink of stale alcohol and piss. there are some seriously creepy and sketchy people hanging about.

my dad was with us when we were out in the arcades and getting food, but my mom was glued to the machines. and he would have to go be with her.

so to keep us safe we were in the hotel room.

as the oldest, I was in charge (I was 11). I was fucking terrified of drunks I could hear going down the hallway. my siblings and I would watch shitty hotel tv until they fell asleep.

I could not sleep until my parents were back, so I read.

and this was my weekends. until I was 13 and then apparently old enough to watch my siblings for a night or two at home.

because ... she just had to be at the casino, you see. and my dad went with her.

and at 13 I was even more terrified being in the house alone and in charge than in the hotels. at least hotels have security a phone call away. the house just had me.

so I would have all of us pile in to the living room with our blankets and pillows. we made forts in front of the tv, and watched movies all night. slept with the tv and the lights on.

it was the only way we felt safe.

and when I got older, the main source of fighting between me and my mom was me trying to get her to confront her addiction. to get help.

and eventually I just ... stopped trying to help her. which was a whole grieving process I had to go through.

which brings me back to today. my mom talking about how she went on a casino cruise and is doing another one in Feb. with my sister. of course.

and I've just realised the fact that the two of them did this casino cruise bonding thing ... that is what made me look at this properly. that is what jogged the memory from therapy

because while she was talking about it, I just passively listened with quiet resignation like always. I don't ask questions because I can't stand it, and this is the weird unspoken agreement we have created.

and I don't know where I am going with this now. like. every time we talk there is casino stories. and I never really talk to anyone about how that makes me feel other than my life partner.

I guess it's because ... the abuse ended almost two decades ago. I made my peace with it. I will always have trauma from it, but I processed it.

but the addiction. that never ends. that will always be a part of our relationship. and it feels ... wrong to complain about something I put up with for the sake of maintaining some connection.

and I know that is silly. no one would think any less of me or be critical of me for it.

ah. and there's the rub. I do believe a small part of me doesn't fully believe that. that people would turn around and say "you didn't have a choice then, but you do now, so why don't you say anything? you're as much to blame as she is for letting her influence you."

and while logically, I know the people I would talk about this with have never given me any reason to believe they would say anything of the sort (quite the opposite, they would likely be supportive as they always are), part of me is still very much "it's not worth the risk of them leaving you or thinking less or fighting."

AND I KNOW THAT IS TRAUMA REARING ITS HEAD AND NONE OF THEM WOULD EVER TREAT ME THAT WAY.

but ah. hmm. this is going to be a fucker of a wall to bring down.

I'll get there. eventually. for now, this realisation is more than enough.

#it me #abuse #trauma #addiction #tagging for people who block tags #i could tell something was bothering me and i couldn't figure out what #stream of consciousness does its thing again #need to find some happier thoughts now #if i want to have any hope of sleep #long post #woah #did not realise how long this got

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