#it's so fucking liberating to let go of goals that no longer line up with my priorities
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Give in to that easy living
Goodbye to my hopes and dreams
#good riddance#here's to half assing the rest of my life!#Feel It Still#portugal. the man#it's so fucking liberating to let go of goals that no longer line up with my priorities
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Is the Hamas torture video post true? I can't find anything other than an ADL post
I haven’t and I refuse to post or link to any of the videos, so I’m not really sure which “torture video post” you’re talking about, unless you mean this post or maybe this one
At any rate, I have unfortunately seen at least two such videos (mostly because of how Twitter no longer labels graphic content/violence), and it was before I was fully aware of what was actually happening in Gaza. The first video showed young women being dragged and paraded through the streets by Hamas. Some of the women were dead, and the ones who were alive had very clearly been raped and their clothes were all bloody between the legs. The other video I watched showed a family that was taken hostage, and then abruptly they murdered an 18yr old girl in front of her parents and her little sister. I “saw” other videos, but LOL, I’m ex military, but I’ve been shot at, at close range several times before (not while I was in the military), so I tend to be a bit squeamish around real/realistic depictions of death — so I let the video and audio play, but I looked away and had a friend more or less describe what was happening to me, only looking at the screen myself periodically.
Look, I wholeheartedly believe that decolonization always has and always will require violence. Things are absolutely no different with Palestine freeing themselves from Israeli oppression. I get that, okay?
SN: now feels like a particularly good time for this warning: be wary of anyone suddenly stressing “peaceful nonviolent resistance”.
I’m sorry, but rape, torture and intentionally murdering children and disabled people is kinda a bright red line for me. It’s an indelible line that I cannot cross. And I won’t defend it, I won’t excuse it, I won’t ignore it, and I won’t pretend that war crimes like rape are just the cost of doing business.
Let’s do a thought experiment: pick whatever’s most important to you, something (you think) you’re willing to die for - maybe it’s LGBTQ rights, or Black liberation, Climate Change, or whatever. You get the idea. If someone said to you, “Hey, we may be forced to kill some people to achieve our goals and gain our freedom,” maybe you’d be down with that. But if they said that rape would be required, would you still be cool with that? If they told you that killing children and the elderly was a part of the plan, could they still count on your unwavering support?
And to be super clear here: please let’s not pretend that the IDF hasn’t done some of the exact same things to Palestinian civilians that Hamas has done to Israeli civilians. Israel is currently bombing the fuck out of Palestinian hospitals, UN schools in Gaza, and turning off water on children, the sick + disabled, and the elderly. You would have to be the biggest most gullible fool on earth to believe that all of the apartment buildings that the IDF has leveled to the ground in Gaza, had zero innocent people inside them.
So I guess in the end, all I’m saying is, regardless of which side you choose to support, we must always always draw the line at war crimes.
And a friendly reminder: Hamas ≠ Palestine
Another friendly reminder: you can be pro-Palestinian without being antisemitic.
One more friendly reminder: Hamas would not be nearly as strong as it is today if Benjamin Netanyahu hadn’t repeatedly propped them up over the years, to keep the Palestinian people from becoming united.
And one final warning for anyone reading this: Elon Musk has all but eliminated the part of Twitter that used to block misinformation from being posted. Therefore you’re going to see A LOT of rightwing, anti-Palestinian + anti-Ukrainian propaganda. Please don’t fall for it. Check and double check the sources.
And as always, TERFs dni
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bts for game on...and also distractions /np
alright!!!
game on first;
"Hello…
Stanley noticed a small stairwell and quickly rushed down it. The Narrator sputtered, “No- Wait, where are you going?” Just exploring. Why did it seem so worried?
The narrow hall opened to a huge room, with a greenish staircase leading up to… An open platform?
“Oh no- Stay away from those stairs! If you hurt yourself, if you die, the game will reset! We’ll lose all of this!”
Oh? Now they cared about Stanley’s life? On the border of something like victory for them? Stanley began climbing the stairs.
“Stanley no, let me stay here! Don’t take this from me!” They sounded on the verge of tears, and Stanley found himself smiling harder than he had since this stupid game began.
“Please, Stanley, think about what you’re doing!”
Hm.
Stanley thought about it.
Stanley jumped."
game on's main purpose was to establish a jumping-off point for the narrator and stanley's game. the countdown ending and zending have always been polar opposites in the dynamic to me, so they're the ones i went with. i really love writing from stanley's perspective because he's so... him. that's genuine, innocent curiosity at first- but then he realizes why the narrator is worried, and more importantly, that there's nothing to stop him. it's a very fun, quick transition into stanley's turn for control. i see a lot of people's interpretations of the zendings running an opposite way, like stanley hates it and feels guilty. it's very interesting, because my stanley loves that room. this is an establishment of a quick-and-easy way to manipulate and hurt the narrator badly. this is before anything substantial has started in their dynamic- if you notice the line about death earlier in the fic, stanley hasn't even gotten close to encountering all the endings available to him! this is before the rules of the game have been established. this is the first real event of the game, and i don't mean the stanley parable, i mean the game stanley and the narrator play between themselves. they haven't worked out the boundaries yet, and they're only gonna do that by fucking around and finding out- usually through lots of harm both to themselves and the other.
now for distractions!
"Oh.
The Narrator had the most genuine, overjoyed look he’d ever seen on their face. It clasped its hands together, the third not-so-subtly shaking rapidly behind their back. Their expression softened. “And yet, even as the immense door slowly opened, Stanley reflected on how many puzzles still remain unsolved. Where had all his co-workers gone? How had he been freed from the machine’s grasp? What other mysteries did this strange building hold?”
Stanley was staring at them again, an unwanted fondness and warmth growing in his chest. They looked so damn happy.
The Narrator continued, too enraptured to notice his thoughts. “But as sunlight streamed into the chamber, Stanley realized that none of this mattered to him. For it was not knowledge, or even power, that he had been seeking, but happiness. Perhaps his goal had been not to understand, but to let go.”
Their voice was soft now, solemn. “No longer would anyone tell him where to go, what to do, or how to feel. Whatever life he lives, it will be his. And that was all he needed to know. It was, perhaps, the only thing worth knowing.”
They turned to him, a small smile returning. “Stanley stepped through the open door.”
Stanley swallowed, pushing everything back before their focus returned. His face felt hot as he rushed down the steps. Just get the cutscene over with.
“Stanley felt the cool breeze upon his skin, the feeling of liberation, the immense possibility of the new path before him. This was exactly the way, right now, that things were meant to happen.”
“And Stanley was happy.”
He was. And it was going to bite him in the ass someday."
polar opposite fics, jesus!(/silly) distractions was the obligatory narrator-model fic. i wanted to make it clear that things are beginning to get more comfortable between stanley and the narrator, but not too much. stanley's still apprehensive about them, and absolutely refuses to let his guard down, but he's becoming more fond of them. i also love stanley's suppressed thoughts and feelings slipping through in his inner monologue, so the fic's full of "oh thats cute- SHUT UP STANLEY". most of the fic is spent with the narrator being ecstatic and stimming throughout the story while stanley watches and tries to remain normal. i'd like to clarify just in case; this isn't a "audhd people are cute" thing, this is stanley being unable to process the narrator being so openly and expressively happy in a heterosexual way. with that out of the way, the passage itself; for a long time before i wrote this fic, i had the image in my head of the narrator seeing the freedom ending's backdrop in person for the first time, and being absolutely entrenched in their own story. so entrenched, in fact, that they don't notice stanley staring at them and shouting FUCK in his head for their entire monologue. then, at the end, this is actually an important line to me- "And it was going to bite him in the ass someday." stanley's beginning to process that the dynamic is changing, and he's terrified. he's also correct; this run will inadvertently lead to the next fic (collision), which is the event that made the narrator feel comfortable enough with stanley to show him the memory zone. and then we know how that goes. well, partially. i have some very pushing-the-bounds-of-canon ideas for how the skip button goes for them, but you'll see that soon!
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The Voyage So Far: Dressrosa (Part Two)
east blue (1 | 2) || alabasta (1 | 2) || skypiea || water 7 || enies lobby || thriller bark || paramount war (1 | 2) || fishman island || punk hazard || dressrosa (1 | 2) || || whole cake island || wano (1 | 2)
wild how this is upwards of 750 chapters in and yet i still get a big dumb smile whenever luffy declares he’s going to be king of the pirates. one piece is a series very much driven by its main characters and their goals and dreams- i don’t think it would be nearly as good if the main character was anyone but monkey d. luffy.
personally, i always just feel kind of proud whenever he says this, because- yeah!! he is!! that’s luffy, he’s going to be king of the pirates, and we’ve known that since day fucking one.
i really think there’s something to be said about usopp never taking credit for saving luffy and law from sugar. it’s arguably his greatest feat in the entire series thus far- an impossible, perfect shot across an entire country, with an angry mob inches from his back- and he never even tells anybody he did it. he’s come a long way from someone who tells tall tales about heroic acts he never did to someone who doesn’t even feel the need to take credit for ones he really did, so long as his friends are safe.
i really like how corazon’s introduction and characterization throughout the flashback is handled. at the start of law’s flashback, we know a few things about him already: that he’s someone law loved very much, and that he was killed by doflamingo. we know how this ends.
but then cora is introduced as a clumsy mute weirdo who nearly kills law as one of the very first things he does, and we as the audience aren’t really sure how to reconcile that- and then the rest of the flashback is us, along with law, slowly discovering what a complicated and contradictory but ultimately good person he is. something very similar happens with the asl flashback- we know the endpoint of luffy and ace’s relationship, but the flashback is all about how they got there, from attempted murder to willing self-sacrifice.
i think it’s really cool the way law and doflamingo’s backstories are layered together. they’re characters who exist with a lot of parallels and similarities between them already, which is something they’re both clearly aware of- i’ve mentioned before i think the only real difference between them is that law got corazon where doflamingo got the executives- and presenting their backstories simultaneously only makes that more obvious.
i’ve always found it so interesting that we get what’s pretty much our only substantial exposition about the will of d direct from a former celestial dragon. it makes sense- cora’s basically the only character we’ve met who both has this information and is willing to share it- but i don’t know, there’s something that feels very poetic to me about him having this information that’s clearly been suppressed and hidden by the dragons and willingly choosing to share it in order to help protect law, a D, who should technically be the very enemy he was once taught to hate and fear.
i really like corazon.
it fucks me up that we can tell the exact moment cora dies from the moment law starts making noise again.
this might be a controversial take? i’m not sure. but i like baby five. i think her and sai’s relationship is really sweet, and people might complain about her getting off easy or whatever but i’m honestly glad she gets a happy ending after being thoroughly emotionally abused and broken her entire life. and on a lighter note, she’s also just a fun character to watch through the whole arc- the running gag with her crying whenever law glares at her is still one of my favorites in the whole series.
the shot of robin’s bloody back is a favorite of mine, because it’s a reveal that doesn’t get lingered on at all, and yet at once it gives the entire proceeding scene a lot more weight when we understand just how much pain she must’ve been in the entire time. and yet she never even flinched or faltered while protecting rebecca. nico robin is very, very strong.
there’s something so deliciously fitting about diamante’s final fall ending with him cracking his head on scarlett’s grave, and something so lovely about kyros and rebecca finally getting their proper reunion there, when neither of them ever really got a chance to mourn.
law’s line about the strawhats trailing nothing but miracles in their wake is one of the first ones i always think of when i think about the strawhats in general and luffy in particular, mostly because it’s so true. from the very beginning, the strawhats have been doing the impossible, from sailing to the sky to breaking in and out of the world’s greatest prison, and law saw that and staked all his hopes on it and they did not let him down.
also i think it’s very cool of law to, when held at gunpoint and down an arm, grin, flip doflamingo off, and tell him to eat shit and that luffy is going to kick his ass. love that for him.
i think dressrosa does a very good job of making the victory against doflamingo equally law’s and luffy’s. they cooperate and trade off fighting him throughout the arc to great effect, and i think it’s pretty clear that neither of them could have tackled the massive challenge of dressrosa alone.
while the final fight is luffy’s, it’s made clear that that’s only after law’s done absolutely everything he could and spent the majority of the arc distracting doflamingo, keeping him occupied, and even fucking shredding his insides with pure radiation before finally needing to tap out. i think it’s a good balance, given that luffy is the protagonist but law’s grudge against doflamingo is the driving force behind the entire arc.
conqueror’s haki clashes are always very cool, pretty much regardless of who or where or why, but the one between luffy and doflamingo is a favorite.
one of the things that’s always impressed me about one piece in comparison to other shounen series is how it handles its powerscaling- in that it does it well with a gradual increase and villains who vary widely in strength instead of every arc necessarily needing to be bigger and better than the last- and i think the way it handles powering up the main characters is a big part of that.
through the entirety of one piece thus far, i’d say luffy has had three major power-ups- second and third gear in enies lobby, haki at the timeskip, and gear four here in dressrosa (an argument could also be made for ryuuou in wano, but i think that’s less major than these others). this helps prevent runaway powerscaling and also makes new power-ups feel like a genuine event, which i really like.
i once referred to luffy as ‘hopebringer’ in a conversation with friends, and it’s a descriptor for him i think sums up really well how he manages to save so many people while insistently not being a hero. luffy inspires people, inspires whole countries, starting all the way back with coby in romance dawn. it’s one of the reasons i think it’s fitting how thoroughly he’s associated with the dawn.
doflamingo is very, very scary. which is interesting, because he’s indisputably less powerful someone like kaidou, but at the same time i find him a much scarier villain, and i think it comes down to doflamingo’s gleeful, wanton cruelty. not that kaidou is in any way shape or form a nice person, but our first introduction to doflamingo is him forcing marines to attack each other just because he’s a little bored. he hurts people just because he can, and finds it funny.
relating to my earlier comment about hope, i really like how the whole country comes together at the end to cheer luffy on and count down to his return. it makes it feel all the more triumphant when it does, especially for the citizens of dressrosa who’ve been suffocating under doflamingo’s rule for years and can finally, finally see freedom.
other people have put a lot more thought of the symbolism of doflamingo’s eyes and glasses than i intend to, but i’ll settle for saying that it’s the breaking of the glasses, before anything else, before the birdcage even vanishes from the sky and everyone is safe, that shows us that, at long last, doflamingo is well and truly defeated. his glasses break, and so does his power.
i’ve written a longer post about it before (here) but it’s a recurring motif that one piece’s worst villains are those that steal people’s freedom, including, in the cruelest cases, the freedom to express their emotions openly. we see it with koala and the celestial dragons, with the failed smile fruits in wano, and here, too, with kyros. and, much like koala, triumph for him means finally being able to cry.
i mentioned it back in the first post, but i’m so, so happy rebecca and kyros get the happy ending they deserve. they’ve both been fighting a war that they never should have had to for years and years, and they both deserve to get to just live, now, peaceful and quiet and together and surrounded by flowers.
i really dig the note dressrosa ends on. it’s happy, of course, obviously, with the liberation of the country, kyros and rebecca’s happy ending, the creation of the grand fleet, even law getting some degree of closure through his talk with sengoku, but it also leaves this massive, gaping question- what now?
in a way, doflamingo’s speech here follows up on law’s new era speech from punk hazard. luffy and law have just thrown a major wrench into the delicate power equilibrium of the entire new world, and we have all these characters out there who might be affected, who might want to take advantage, who might try to seize the throne.
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[Theory/Analysis] The Motives of Each Eugenicist
Wow, look at me rising from the graves and dusting off this account after 800 years like it's nothing. Your Trigger hype beast is back baby, if any of you still remember me.
This post contains spoilers for both Gridman and Dynazenon.
Ahem. I want to make this post to gather my thoughts and better understand the antagonists of the show, as they aren't heavily featured and explored like Akane. It's just my own analysis based on what I can observe in the show, so some parts would be more vague and generate different interpretations. This analysis may seem obvious to some and not so much to others, but I hope it'll offer some clarity regardless. Tl;dr at the bottom.
The General Motive
It's pretty much given in the show. The Kaiju Eugenicists wanted to destroy humanity and create a world where themselves and kaiju can live and be accepted. They believe that the world is a better place as you're no longer being tied down by human bonds, granting you unrestricted freedom beyond even the laws of physics. This is their shared goal. However, each of them have separated purposes and things they want to achieve along with this.
Onija
Let's start with the 2 more obvious cases. Onija clearly stated what he wanted to do - kill all humans. How many times did he yell this out? It's kind of shoved-in-your-face. No other Eugenicists expressed this desire as strongly as he did. At the base level, he simply wanted to live. He was brutally killed once and was determined to not let it happen again no matter what. This is why "I thought I was dead" was a constant running joke. It's also why Onija had a deep personal grudge towards Gauma and humans, who were the cause of his death 5000 years ago.
Juuga
Juuga had a deep admiration for Gauma and looked up to him. Unlike Onija, he didn't wish to oppose Gauma, but to make an alliance instead. When the Eugenicists first appeared, Juuga said:
It's clear from this line that he wanted things to be the way it was 5000 years ago, where they were a group of friends working towards the same goal. He missed and yearned for that carefree time. The original Eugenicist group was the most important thing to him. You can see that he never fought with any other Eugenicists, but remained calm and passive towards them at all times. This attitude only extended towards the Eugenicists, as he had no qualms about killing anyone else for his goal, including the Dynazenon crew.
Even when Mujina stole Dyna Striker, the first thing that came to his mind was using it to negotiate with Gauma and get him back.
Mujina
These last 2 Eugenicists are slightly more complicated to pick apart, as they process things more internally.
At first, Mujina was very indecisive and didn't buy much into this kaiju thing. All she wanted was to finish it quickly so she could leave. She was lost in life and just followed the other Eugenicists around because she had no directions of her own. Then Mujina found Koyomi, someone who also didn't have anything going for himself and just plainly a loser in his life. He was someone she could feel related to. Mujina's attitude supposedly changed after she was tackled by Koyomi, but I believe this just pissed her off and only played a part in her personality shift. The other cause, I think, was Sizumu's encouragement, where she "realized that kaiju is all [she has] got" and that she had to take responsibility for her actions.
Koyomi came to play a major role in episode 11, when Mujina witnessed him starting to look for a job. The only person who she could feel related to was unaffected by the aftermath of the kaiju and moving forward with ease. Meanwhile, Mujina, who had just found her purpose in life, lost it once again and was now completely stuck, as the future where the Eugenicists could live and be accepted was destroyed. When facing such a crisis, one would seek to put the blame on something for all of their problems, and Koyomi just happened to be the perfect target.
Sizumu
Toughest one to crack here, but I'll shoot my best shot. In the beginning, he opposed the Dynazenon crew the least among the Eugenicists. He suggested against killing them, had the most interaction with Yomogi and Yume, and suggested Mujina to return Dyna Striker for seemingly no reasons at all. His main reason for not killing Team Dynazenon was to see more kaiju, and getting close to Yomogi and Yume was for his kaiju to absorb their emotions. However, I believe there was another underlying reason that tied his actions together. He was looking for an alliance.
Contrary to Juuga, the alliance he was looking for didn't only include Gauma, but Team Dynazenon as a whole. To understand why he searched for this, we must first look at what he was. He had an ability that allowed him to hear kaiju voices, which gave him a much deeper understanding of kaiju compared to the other Eugenicists. Due to this, while the others more or less thought of kaiju as a mean to create a world where they can live and be accepted, Sizumu would consider kaiju as his own kind, so much so that he had a severe disconnection with humans. He distanced himself away from even the Eugenicists, almost as if he only tagged along because they shared the same basic goal.
He didn't seek to understand humans, but instead for humans to understand kaiju. His goal was to create a world where not only the Eugenicists were accepted, but kaiju themselves were accepted. He believed that the world was better off like this, because, from his perspective, kaiju could liberate people from human bonds and offer them unlimited freedom. To me, this is rather hypocritical as he never understood why people tied themselves to these bonds in the first place, so he wasn't in a position to say what was better and what wasn't.
Sizumu was the only Eugenicist to mention this kaiju power and express his distaste towards human bonds. He explained this very early on to Yomogi and Yume, and why did he do this, you may ask? Why, to help them understand his views and create an opening for a potential alliance, of course. If his only purpose was to absorb their emotions, then that's quite a lot of unnecessary effort to make himself look friendly and approachable to an uncanny degree, especially when being "friendly and approachable" wasn't his forte. No, he was testing the water to see if he could get them on his side.
Then came an unexpected opportunity for him to determine once and for all if Team Dynazenon can understand and accept kaiju. He let a failed kaiju run free and distracted the Eugenicists away from it (with a tactic he learned from Chise) to see what the Dynazenon crew would do. Some people said that it's to test if any of them were kaiju user, and while that's possible, I think it's a little unlikely. Sizumu only observed them at 2 instances, first was when they started the search for the kaiju, the second was when their beam destroyed the kaiju. Unless the kaiju voices could tell him, there would be no way for Sizumu to know if any of them used Instance Domination, until the very end when Yomogi used it on him. The likelier hypothesis would be: he saw them searching for the kaiju > he saw the kaiju being killed > he surmised that kaiju couldn't exist peacefully with Team Dynazenon, and didn't seem to be particularly happy about it.
From then on, Sizumu decided that they couldn't be his allies thus no longer approached Yomogi or Yume. It seems that he arrived to this final conclusion:
And this is where the series itself left off. Kaiju simply can't co-exist with humans. They are irregulars to the human society. Furthermore, the freedom that they offer can't be allowed to exist as running away from society and real human connections is wrong, even if reality is ugly and difficult to face. This is what make the series similar to Gridman. However, unlike Akane, the antagonists of Dynazenon failed to realized this and didn't get their happy ending.
(A detail that I'd like to mention is that Sizumu was silent during the entire final battle in contrast to the other Eugenicists who were pumping themselves up. It was like he was saying, "Didn't want to do this but I guess you left me with no choice". Though silence can mean anything so it's not a concrete evidence.)
TL;DR and Final Words
This is so much longer than I thought and I really apologize for it. I just don't want to make anyone do logical leaps when reading this post.
Tl;dr:
- Onija wanted to live and had a grudge towards Gauma and humans for causing his death.
- Juuga wanted Gauma to join them again and for things to be back the way it was 5000 years ago. He cared for nothing outside of the Eugenicists group.
- Munija wanted a purpose, found one, then lost it again. She envied Koyomi for regaining his sense of purpose and moving forward with his life.
- Sizumu wanted humans to understand kaiju and a world where kaiju can set humans free from their bonds. Initially considered an alliance with Team Dynazenon, but concluded that them (and people in general) couldn't understand kaiju after all.
- Final message of the show: Go touch some grass and talk to humans you fucking weebs.
Misc
When using Instance Domination, the palms of the Eugenicists always face towards the kaiju. The only exception is the last battle where Sizumu's palm faced towards himself, indicating that the kaiju was inside him. I believe that it was located at the center of his chest, where he shot out that weird magical light beam. Just a small thing I find interesting.
If we want to take it a step further, I believe the seed inside him had already grown into a kaiju, but it was still relatively small until he used Instance Domination on it. Eerie, huh?
And this is more of the theory territory and leaving the analysis, but this could possibly be why he was able to hear kaiju voices. Chise was able to understand Goldburn and translated for him at the end, so maybe having a kaiju inside of you would allow you to understand other kaiju somehow? If this is the case, he would probably have had the kaiju inside of him since 5000 years ago.
There's also this big brain moment from a 4chan user. The resemblance between Yume and Juuga is kinda uncanny considering they're both obsessed with the past.
That's it boys. I'm gonna crawl back into my hole until next century, or until Trigger drops Edgerunners. 8/10 show, VERY underrated gem. Trigger won't stop saving anime.
This post but on Reddit:
#trigger saves anime#so fucking good i'm gonna die#i spent a whole day on this thesis yall better read#ssss.dynazenon#dynazenon#ssss dynazenon#kaiju eugenicists#anime#studio trigger#trigger#onija#juuga#mujina#sizumu#shizumu#ssss gridman#ssss.gridman#gridman#spring anime 2021#anime 2021#anime recommendation#kaiju#villain#villains
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Super self-indulgent FAHC AU wherein for whatever reason Geoff doesn’t come to Los Santos to start the FAKE AH Crew until ~later.
Meanwhile, everyone ends up in Los Santos anyway - because reasons - and have to scrape by without the support of the crew behind them?
Like, hacker/thief/??? Gavin ends up in Los Santos via a series of unfortunate events in which he is a total shit and sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong?
Cue his ~fleeing to the US and meandering his way along - getting in trouble along the way, because of course he does, but also amassing a rather impressive list of contacts and such as well - to Los Santos.
Where, lol, of course he gets in over his head yet again? Young and stupid and tries to get one past the wrong guy and before he knows it he’s got himself an arrangement, right?
Work for the guy he tried to fuck over or be horrifically murderized, and oh, hey? The family and friends he left back in England? Sure would be a shame if something happened to them, you know? They seem lovely.
(Why would you just look at the pictures and videos this guy has of them doing all sorts of everyday things and accidents happen, you know. Awful, that.)
Anyway, anyway, Gavin keeps his head down and plays good little hacker/thief/???.
Gives his new boss what he asks for out of him and no more, doesn’t volunteer information or skills or anything he may have himself or know someone who knows someone who might be useful.
No.
Gavin does what’s asked of him and lets his boss’ goons and thugs push him around - little weasel, a coward and so on?
But also Gavin is making a list (or two or three) that has all kinds of interesting information to be had in them? Things his boss’ enemies or other such interested parties could use to utterly ruin the bastard.
Gavin’s got plans, you see, it’s just a matter of time and all that.
Until then he’s meek and mild and does his part whether it be hacking or off to steal some shiny little bit of interest to his boss or whatever else his boss knows he’s capable of. (Nasty stuff, when you get down to it, strange how his boss never wonders how Gavin knows how to do any of this stuff or rest easy thinking they won’t be used on him, but arrogance will do that to people, I guess?)
ANYWAY.
Things are going along...well enough when Gavin’s boss brings in a new hacker.
This kid (not really a kid, if anything a couple of years younger than Gavin at most, but he seems young) who buckles down and plays nice without the rough treatment Gavin and the handful of other hackers and “specialists” like him that have been through the base where Gavin works most of the time.
Gavin would let things run their course for this “Matt Bragg” but he’s not like the others Gavin’s been forced to work with?
They were always the same kid of wrong as his boss and his boss’ favorite goons and thugs. Mean and cruel for the sake of it and didn’t worry who they were hurting so long as they made a profit off it.
But Matt Bragg, okay.
Quiet kid, keeps to himself and gets this pinched look on his face when their boss decides whatever information he handed over to him was to be used in the most “efficient” way possible.
Matt gives their boss two different routes to obtain whatever shiny he’s after, one with minimal casualties on all sides but it’ll take a little longer. The other requires guards and security to be killed, but it shaves a hefty chunk of time off the entire operation, and no bet which one their boss chooses.
And, look.
The fact that Matt took the time to come up with two different approaches like that - contingency plans, yeah, sure, that’s a given - but Matt went out of his way to devise a tactic to avoid having to kill people.
Other things like that crop up from time to time, and Matt gets into trouble for it sometimes, taking too long to get the boss the information he wants because he’s concerned about having to kill some hired guns in a batch of mercs or rent a cops or whatever.
But he keeps on looking for those alternatives, and Gavin takes an interest.
Realizes Matt’s in the same boat as him with regards to working for their boss. Details might not be exactly the same, but whatever they are he ended up here same as Gavin, and that’s.
Interesting?
interesting.
Enough for Gavin to take that interest in Matt, sabotage him here and there so the boss gets pissed, yeah, punishes Matt by restricting his “privileges” and so on?
But there’s a good reason for that.
Because Matt’s good at what he does, too good, and there have been others like him through here before.
Got chewed up and spat out and left to fend for themselves when the cops (or worse) came looking.
Got set up, put on a job and left high and dry in the middle of it while the boss and his flunkies got away with the shiny they were after and a pretty little scapegoat/sacrifice left behind.
It’s where Matt’s headed if he’s not careful, and he isn’t.
Careful, that is.
Goes along with what the boss wants, but he’s the stubborn kind of idiot, you know?
Mouths off when he shouldn’t, and it gets him knocked around a bit. Gets him noticed by their boss’ goons and thugs when it’s the last thing people like them need or want.
Matt’s not stupid, realizes what’s going on and goes to confront Gavin about it, grabs his arm and freezes when Gavin lets out this little hiss f pain, pulls his arm back when Matt’s left staring at him.
Because in all the commotion Gavin’s sleeve got pulled up and there are these marks, bruises and worse and faded scars and -
“What - “
Gavin scowls at Matt, because rude, and also, idiot.
“Leave it alone, Matt Bragg,” he says, meaning Gavin deliberately fucking Matt over and everything else, because you know, because.
Those jobs and tasks and whatnot of Matt’s that Gavin sabotages him on?
Have to get done by someone, and Gavin’s reliable about things like that, isn’t he. (Has to be with everything he’s got on the line and all.)
So Gavin does the jobs/whatever Matt was supposed to and since Gavin has certain skills and the whatnot Matt doesn’t he ends up in the field when Matt would have remained at the base.
Gets hands on experience with whatever conundrum was posed to Matt, and sometimes that means he gets hurt because like hell will his boss offer him helpful support and such, you know?
It’s Gavin thieving about in hostile territory and with the odds stacked against him and shit always goes wrong.
And if it’s not the job/whatever where Gavin gets hurt you can bet their boss’ goons and thugs have something to say about things. (Gavin’s got a mouth on him even now, and makes enemies like you wouldn’t believe without trying.)
So anyway, anyway, Matt is like !!! and oh, you fucking moron, and drags Gavin off to get propery patched up.
Cue Friendship montage in which they realize they’re more or less working towards the same goals - Gavin wants the fuck out of this arrangement he was forced into and would rather do that than burn things to the ground while he’s still inside.
But Matt?
Lol, fucker would cheerfully burn the place down around him and figure his way out from there.
So.
Montage sequence in which they team up and utterly wreck their boss and his operation.
And, you know, because hackers end up filthy rich afterwards.
Fuck around for a while because Freedom and Choice and :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD but then they get word their boss had enemies who are looking to take over his territory and such and Gavin and Matt are like “...wait.”
Between them they have the resources and connections to set themselves for life in Los Santos, so they do?
Start setting up their own little criminal empires in the remains of their former boss’, and they start by bringing in assholes like this Rimmy Tim guy Matt met out at a bar one night?
Recently liberated from their boss and getting a drink to celebrate while Gavin was making sure things were good back in England and his boss’ allies/whoever couldn’t touch them and Matt’s more than a little tipsy, you know?
Mouths off to the wrong guy and almost gets the shit beat out of him but this weirdo in purple and orange (”I remember yellow, too?”) comes along and plays white knight for Matt.
At which point Matt has to buy him a drink as a thank you and the two of then end up getting shit-faced drunk.
Also you know.
Smooches are exchanged because oh, hey, he’s cute/hot/I like his face a lot before the alcohol kicks in and they end up snuggled together on a bed and passing the fuck out.
Not important whose bed, so much as the !!! the morning afterward realizing they went home with some weirdo and...smooched? Before snuggling and passing out???
And then awkward dating, because of course, and hey, since we’re building a criminal empire I totally know a guy, Matt says to Gavin, and then has to add, “It’s uh. We’re dating? But he’s exactly what we’re looking for for the whole...criminal empire thing???”
Gavin would be highly critical of Matt and his everything if it weren’t for the fact a bounty hunter he tangled with a ways back finally tracked him down?
Michael is super not thrilled with him, because of course?
This whole Thing where Michael got sent after this asshole hacker/thief/whatever in Gavin and they ended up being all 80s movies romcom/action flick flirting while avoiding the legit hitmen sent after Gavin?
Saving one another’s lives - at one point administering mouth-to-mouth - and getting matching flesh wounds in a shootout followed by a teensy amount of torture by some baddie?
And then!
Michael rethinking turning Gavin in only for Gavin to make that decision moot when Gavin knocked him out and chained him to a motel radiator before fleeing to parts unknown?
Only not so unknown as Michael finally found him.
There’s a cat and mouse game that ends up with both of then soaking wet - caught out in a rainstorm/went for a swim in a river/body of water - and Michael scowling at Gavin like he’s about to beat the shit out of him?
Only he kind of does...not that, what with the Angry Kissing that’s happening and Gavin’s !!! that turns to :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD and Michael’s >:((((((((((((((((((((((((((( that turns to >:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( becuase Gavin is a piece of shit and Michael hates him so fucking much, stop laughing you little shit!!1! >:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Anyway.
Gavin and Matt have Jeremy and Michael, and then the rest trickle in?
Like.
Gavin worked with a gang a while back that hired this sniper - odd sort, but damn good with a sniper rifle and the kind you can trust to keep their mouth shut.
Ray’s not in it for the long-haul, not looking for a crew, but he’s always up to do a favor for friends and such.
And then Michael meets Lindsay through -
“Don’t fucking ask, seriously.”
And then!
Some friend of Jeremy’s in Trevor - this !!! You!!1! - moment between Gavin and Trevor because Thieves!!1! who may or may not have run into one another in the field and ensuing shenanigans as they were after the same shiny and oh, what a fun night that was, eh?
Alfredo just.
Suddenly fucking there???
Seems to know Michael who is like, “Oh, this fucker,” and no one can tell if he likes Alfredo at first? But then it comes out Alfredo used to be a bounty hunter too before he decided it was more fun being a “bad guy”
(Extenuating circumstances in which he was hired by some people to bring in some poor bastard who was innocent of whatever crime they said he committed because reasons? Alfredo finding out and then shenanigans in which he saved the poor guy’s life and set them up with a new life somewhere and ended up being framed for crimes he didn’t commit and all that. And since he was being framed for crimes he didn’t commit, why the hell not go out and commit actual crimes?
But.
Like.
Fun crimes.)
And then!!1!
Just as things are going smoothly, Gavin and Matt’s old boss manages to hire some assholes to kill Gavin? Matt would be great, sure, but the focus is on making Gavin super fucking dead, and everyone is freaking out, right, because for whatever reason they all like the little shit?
General sort of panic/mayhem until one of the assholes hired to kill Gavin actually gets their hands on him?
Catches him alone somewhere and while everyone is panicking trying to find Gavin, Gavin himself is :DDDDDDDDDDDD because the asshole who caught him is the fucking Vagabond.
When everyone gets to where they are Gavin’s like ??? at all the fear/panic he’s seeing and is like. “Guys, it’s my ex!”
Because this whole thing way, way before Michael and such where Gavin met Ryan and somehow wasn’t murdered?
Managed to make friends with the bastard that turned into something more and it was good, really, really good, until it wasn’t.
Someone from Ryan’s past gunning for him and Ryan ran Gavin off - “Bastard shot me!” but Gavin’s not mad, not anymore.
And it wasn’t like Ryan ran him off so much as dumped him at the ER and left Gavin to deal with the gunshot wound and explaining how he came by it to the authorities and then trying to find the bastard again afterward.
Which...he didn’t, but after months looking for him his contacts told him the Vagabond had set up shop in a city somewhere and seemed to be doing well for himself?
And Gavin was like :(((((((((((( because oh, well then, thinking maybe Ryan was better off without him weighing him down and such?
(Because hey, Vagabond and some hacker/thief/whatver in Gavin and honestly, no doubt who the more capable/dangerous one of them was.)
Thinking if Ryan wanted to, he could have come back for Gavin, or at least looked for him, but he hadn’t,so.
Gavin left him to it, kept on his way towards eventually arriving in Los Santos and everything that happened since - including Michael, oh shit - and then, uh.
Super awkward inching towards Mavinwood with Gavin and his feelings for Michael and Ryan and Michael and Ryan with their feelings for Gavin? But also bonding over the fact they have feelings for Gavin, because the guy’s a little shit, you know?
Complete asshole, and oh my God, do you want to hear about this one thing he did once?”
And so on, and also other reasons such as oh no, he’s hot and oh no, he’s an unbearable dumbass, why do I always fall for them?
Fiona comes along because Gavin’s old friends in England get curious about what’s going on with him and there’s a misunderstanding and she kid of, sort of, tries to kill him?
Like.
A lot.
Worse than that time every asshole in the city (and beyond) were after the price on Gavin’s head and persistent as hell and “Wait, Dan told you to what?”
And Fiona’s like “He said, and aI quote, ‘Take care of the wanker, for me, would you, Fiona? I’ll owe you,” and other such things and Gavin almost dies from laughing so hard while Fiona’s like “What? What are you laughing at, you asshole?”
More shenanigans and such and by the time Geoff and Jack do get to Los Santos they’ve heard about this weird as fuck crew - dangerous, rumors say they took out the biggest name in Los Santos’ history to get where they are - and are greeted with Gavin and Matt and all the other assholes, what even??
#ragehappy#mavin#mavinwood#jerematt#possible alfreyco because of course there is#and other fun things#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#late night thoughts???#technically not a fic#vagrant fic#long post
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Frostbite Ch. 1
Read it on AO3 here
Chapter Word Count: 1.5k
Important Tags: Vigilante Fuyumi, Fuyumi Todoroki centric, References to past child abuse, Enji is not trying to be better in this fic, Endeavor’s terrible parenting, LOV plays a prominent role, Timeline Transcendent but mostly during the Paranormal Liberation War Arc, Hawks plays a prominent role, Natsuo plays a prominent role
Summary: Fuyumi wants nothing more than her family's safety. Its all she's ever wanted since she was a child, for her mom and brothers to be able to live freely and happily.
There was a time, when she was very young, about 12 or 13 where she thought that somehow the whole family could find a way to live in peace. That they could all be a normal, happy family again, but after Touya's death she realized the truth. That could never happen. And she knew who was to blame.
Ever since then she's been working and scheming to right the wrongs that have been done to her loved ones, and even helping others along the way. However, when walking the fine line of what is and isn't legal lands her in deep trouble she is faced with painful reminders of the past and must challenge her own morality.
Chapter 1: Capture
“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” a raspy voice taunted as a man with long, unkempt, pale blue hair and the driest skin Fuyumi had ever seen on a living person walked into the room.
“You must be Shigaraki,” she greeted in reply, a mockery of her usual polite tone painting her voice as she sneered at the notorious villain.
The man just humphed before looking down at the captive woman, “And what’s your name?”
Fuyumi leveled a cool, steady gaze at her captor, “I go by Frostbite,” her tone was level and calm, but left no room for debate, a tone very similar to the one she often used on her students.
“I don’t care about code names, I want to know your real name,” Shigiraki pouted. If the man didn’t have the ability to disintegrate her with a single touch it would have been amusing how much like her students he was.
So instead of laughing she instead raised an eyebrow and shot him an unimpressed glare, “Too bad, I’ll tell you my real name if and when it becomes relevant,” she knew it was risky taunting him while in arms reach, but she knew showing weakness was worse. Power-hungry maniacs tended to have more respect for those who refused to back down in her experience.
“I think it is relevant, I need to know who was trying to overthrow a faction of my army!” Shigaraki persisted, beginning to anxiously claw at his neck.
Fuyumi frowned, “Well, you’ve got the wrong person, anyhow, if that’s what you want,” she protested, “I wasn’t trying to overthrow anything. At least not anything to do with you or those Liberation nuts. I was just looking for something,” she explained calmly, if a little indignantly. Honestly, if they seriously grabbed her for a fucking misunderstanding she was going to scream.
“Really? Then why come so far out of your usual territory? Why go blatantly rampaging around asking about us and the drugs Overhaul developed? You weren’t really subtle, girl,” he hissed, shoving his prematurely wrinkled face in hers.
She resisted the urge to freeze him where he stood in frustration before responding in a calm, placating tone, “I am looking for the quirk-erasure drugs that Overhaul supposedly developed but that has nothing to do with you other than you being a lead to getting them. This is something I’ve been working on for years, long before the League of Villains was formed,” she explained.
“Oh? But those drugs are pretty new. The permanent version has only been around for a matter of months,” he grabbed her throat keeping one finger raised, threat clear even as his voice tapered off.
“I know, those are a new addition to my plan, but it doesn’t change that my target has nothing to do with you. I’m not even after a villain at all, I’m after a pro hero. So there’s no reason to get upset, right now we’re on the same side,” she clarified quickly, anxiety spiking from the rough, clammy hand wrapped around her throat.
Shigaraki paused, lifting his hand from her throat before smirking at her, “We’re on the same side? The Queen of Vigilantes is going villain? Now that’s interesting,” he chuckled and Fuyumi could feel her stomach churn violently, “You aren’t just saying that to save your head, are you?” His taunting tone only caused her stomach to sour further, but she resisted the urge to flinch. Any sign of fear would only be used against her and make her response seem less genuine.
“I never said I was going villain, but I’m also not just saying that to keep my head. I’m really after a pro-hero and right now we are on the same side. We have similar goals. You want to destroy hero society, right? Well, I don’t entirely disagree with that. It at least needs massive reform,” she took a deep breath, trying to calm her emotions before explaining, “Heroes are untouchable. Get a high enough ranking and you can get away with unspeakable cruelty no matter how well known that cruelty is… other heroes, the police, and the public will all rally behind the hero while his victims are silenced into submission… I just want to hold them responsible for their actions, starting with the biggest bastard of them all,” her voice trembled slightly in her anger so she took a steadying breath before continuing, “I guess you could say I align with Stain, even if I don’t agree with all of his judgment calls. Most of your members are followers of Stain, right?” She asked, meeting his crimson eyes.
He smirked, “I still don’t understand why Stain was such a big deal, but yes, most of my more trusted members at least were Stain fanboys… Are you looking to join us or something?” He asked, sizing her up.
“I’m looking for my freedom,” she shot back, struggling in the heavy chains strapping her down to the chair she was sat in for emphasis, before swallowing her pride and hesitantly adding, “and possibly some assistance. I really need those drugs, and judging by how defensive over them you are and the fact you guys attacked Overhaul immediately after his arrest, my lead on you was right. I just need one dose, you can keep the rest,” she tried to read the crimson glare giving her a calculating look but couldn’t decipher his thought process.
After a few moments that felt like hours, he finally spoke, “I’ll think about it. I’ll be back to talk it out further…” started to walk towards the door, before turning back to the captured vigilante, “I’ll make sure none of the Liberation freaks bother you so try to spend this alone time thinking about how you’d be willing to pay for that bullet,” his tone was taunting and menacing but he was honestly the least of Fuyumi’s worries.
She had no qualms spending her father’s vast fortune on his own downfall, she planned on destroying him anyway so money wasn’t really an issue. No, she was much more concerned with being stuck here for who knows how long. Not only was it going to be problematic if she didn’t show up at home before morning or, god-forbid, miss work, her costume included contacts to make her grey eyes appear blue (a pale, frosty shade much lighter than her family’s usual turquoise) and make her usual glasses unnecessary, so if she fell asleep or if it took to long for her to get out of here she was risking permanent injury without them laying another hand on her. She’d just have to try and stay awake, she supposed not much she could do about it with her hands encased in a metal cage. Still, being left alone in a dark room for an undisclosed amount of time was something that made her skin crawl, too many unpleasant childhood memories reflected this scenario just a little too closely. At least it didn’t automatically set off panic attacks anymore. Clearly therapy had been doing something. If only she could get Natsu and Shoto to go too.
Speaking of Natsuo, she was now very glad she had denied his request to tag along on her hunt for the quirk erasure drug. Ever since he’d found out about her life as a vigilante last year he had been trying to get more and more involved. She tried to keep him away from it, but now he’s known amongst the underground as Blizzard, her impulsive, short tempered sidekick. Not that she lets him join her on her patrols or missions often. His impulsive, hot-headed nature paired with his stubbornness made her extremely nervous for his well being. He had a tendency to run into unnecessary fights and where she was careful to disguise herself with a wig, contacts, and contour, Natsuo only opted for a ski mask, despite Fuyumi repeatedly explaining why that was a bad idea. She doubted he understood how high the stakes were, that they weren’t just risking death, but if their real identities were to be discovered or if they were to be arrested that they could lose their jobs, Natsuo could be kicked out of school and they’d both be thrown in jail, leaving Shoto to deal with their father alone again. They weren’t like most other vigilantes. They both had a lot to lose. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if he got himself hurt or destroyed his life due to something she let him do. Something she introduced him to. She just prayed that she got out before he realized she was missing. She knew he’d probably try to look for her, he may even try to drag Shoto into it if he was worried enough, and that was the last thing that needed to happen.
Hopefully, though, she’d be able to put all of this behind her. Hopefully, once she was done with Endeavor their family could settle back down, no longer having to live in constant tension and fear. Hopefully, she’d soon be able to retire from being a vigilante and just enjoy being a teacher and spend time with her loved ones. She just had to get those drugs and get back home. That’s all. She could do that.
#Insomniac's Frostbite Fic#fuyumi todoroki#fuyumi todoroki centric#fuyumi centric#vigilante fuyumi#fuyumi x tensei#fuyumi is a good big sister#badass fuyumi#Dabi is a (sorta) good older brother#fuyumi fic#bnha fanfiction#bnha au#mha fanfiction#mha au#chapter 1#Insomniac's Frostbite Fic ch. 1
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One for All and All for One: The study in complimentary and infinite (wasted) potentials
One for All and All for One: two Quirks whose history we can, in the universe of Boku no Hero Academia, treat almost as the history of society. Their users had left enormous impact on everyone in the series, and through hints we can see their influence stretching long, long back to the first appearance of the Quirks.
Neither Quirk can be considered ‘normal’, though: the ability to take away Quirks at whim and an ability to share Quirks with others (which would inevitably leave you Quirkless) are both complete anathemas to the society that by and large is half-in love with the idea of simply having a Quirk (which deserves a whole breakdown in on itself, but that’s not what I’ll be writing about here!). And yet, One For All users are all heroes, and All for One users are all villains as far as we know (written after the release of manga chapter 280).
How is that even possible? With how objectively similar they are, why aren’t they both heroes, or both villains?
Well, before we take a crack at how Horikoshi coded the Hero society that made this happen, let’s first take a look at just why I’m so surprised the two Quirks aren’t on the same ‘side’. Also, obligatory ‘spoilers ahead’ warning for everyone who’re anime-only watchers, or haven’t gotten past Meta Liberation Army arc in manga.
Purely from the activation/mechanics point of view, All for One and One for All are warped mirror images of each other. All for One functions on the assumption that a) the user knows the other person has a Quirk and b) the Quirk doesn’t have an inherent clause that disallows itself to be taken by force when it comes to taking it. One for All is the only Quirk so far that has shown the resistance to the b), as it is encoded in the very nature of the ‘share-along’ Quirk that forms the true base of One for All that it can only be given away willingly.
Why is this so important? Because All for One doesn’t only take Quirks, it’s also capable of releasing them and giving them to others, whether the recipient is willing or unwilling. In this regard, One for All is startlingly identical: it can be forced upon someone else, as long as the DNA is exchanged and the previous user is willing to give it away. This little fact is often overlooked (likely deliberately) by the existing canon in favor of emphasizing the ‘cannot be taken forcefully away’ which makes sense plot-wise, but not ethics and logic-wise.
But who knows, maybe Horikoshi is holding back on us, and One for All ends up being the ultimate villain of the story.
… yeah, not likely. But the idea is interesting, isn’t it?
Moving onto the way they interact with their users and other Quirks, One for All and All for One are again very, very different, but with a shared approximate visualization of usage behind it. The closest approximation of how they interact with other Quirks would be, in my opinion, be gravity – but two very different applications of gravity.
There are two relevant things you need to know about gravity: it is defined by the masses of an object interacting with another object, and every single object in the universe has its own gravity field. (thank you, Physics nationals I went to once, for forcing me to learn more about gravity!)
All for One is more akin to a star within a stable planetary system: it holds planets, satellites and comets (other Quirks) locked in its orbit, but any change can make all those objects lose their orbits and go wander in the deep space. Its hold is strong, but the fact still remains it can be nullified in order to give away Quirks. It’s also stable – its attraction/hold power doesn’t change with the number of Quirks taken, it simply gives it a bigger array of powers to work with.
One for All on the other hand would be closer to black hole: its gravity is so enormous even light, the fastest object in the universe, cannot escape it, and its mass (and therefore its gravity) grows stronger with every object it swallows. Once it grabs a hold of anything (its user’s other Quirk) it merges it with itself and keeps it for forever, with very little chance of it ever surfacing again as individual Quirk (unless your name is Midoriya Izuku). However, it heavily relies on the energy (other Quirks it merges with) to provide power-ups; hence the ridiculous difference between Izuku’s and Toshinori’s One for All. (also protagonst shenanigans, but we’re not going that far into metatextuality here – that needs its own essay)
So, concept-wise, One for All and All for One are again identical in the idea behind it, but drastically different in application – both still fucking scary, but what can we do here, our main protagonist and antagonist need to have OP armor around themselves.
This leads us to the probably the biggest spoiler I’ll discuss in this essay:
this panel.
In chapter 270 of manga, Shigaraki Tomura is revealed to have been passed All for One, which is a whole mindfuck in on itself that Horikoshi needs to explain stat because I’m going crazy over here with theories (!!!), but moving on. The short and extremely brief summary of what happens afterwards is: Heroes discover where Tomura is while he’s still being transferred All for One, they wreck the Nomus and facility, Shigaraki gets partial All for One and his original Quirk Decay goes absolutely nuts again, Izuku runs off to face him, and at one point point, while using Ragdoll’s Search, Shigakari utters a very strange sentence while seemingly under the influence of All for One (the Quirk):
“You will be mine… little brother.”
Moments later, Shigaraki snaps out of it and comments about Sensei (All for One) no longer being his puppeteer, that he’s making his own choices and not Sensei’s.
Here we get a stunning punch in the plexus about what we already have been hinted at during Izuku’s fight with Shinsou Hitoshi, during Kamino Ward and Joint Training Arcs:
One for All and All for One both retain the echoes of their past owners.
Now, here comes a million dollar question: is this something both the baseline ‘share’ part of One for All and All for One possess (which would further link the two Quirks, and also explain a lot of characterizations in the series so far), or is it an imprint of All for One on ‘stockpile’ part of One for All that ‘share’ part absorbed and made its own? Both possibilities are extremely intriguing and make any future possibility of unification (which was apparently Sensei’s original goal before, judging by that one panel) extremely volatile, and very intriguing if Horikoshi pursues that idea to its end.
Speaking of the man himself, now we arrive at the question that really started the whole essay here: how come it was All for One chosen to be the ultimate evil, and One for All to be ultimate good? As we’ve seen so far, both Quirks are startlingly similar; theoretically, could All for One be a ‘heroic’ Quirk and One for One for All ‘villainous’?
The answer is yes and no.
Yes, because theoretically, switching the two would still make the story work; it’d change the motivations of characters drastically, sure, and turn the story of generations of good trying defeat one evil into one good fending off generations of evil, but it’d work – and no, because that’d fundamentally change the society in which Boku no Hero Academia’s current time frame is, and society is the key underlying factor in this entire story.
Let me explain through the examples of three characters and a faction.
Midoriya Izuku is Quirkless person in a society who is, like I said at the beginning, half-in love with the idea of having Quirks – the fact that you have them makes you seem useful, someone with potential, no matter how objectively useless some Quirks inevitably can be in certain lines of work. By their standards, he’s without potential, and therefore is largely useless out of gate. Had All for One been in public eye and celebrated as Hero, he’d be the pinnacle of useful: there’d be no danger of bad reactions to donated Quirks in his DNA, and he, someone who wishes desperately for a Quirk, could easily be given a Quirk of someone who finds their life unbearable due to it.
Bakugou Katsuki, someone with extremely property-damaging Quirk, would constantly be told that if he doesn’t behave himself, he’d be sent off to All for One to have his Quirk taken away – in essence, he’d be no one special, just another kid with a Quirk. Since All for One is so visible, it’d be all too easy for parents and teachers to threaten their kids into compliance whenever they throw an over-powered tantrum with the removal of a Quirk; it’d also be a good deterrent for any Pro Heroes that existed there to not get too comfy with their jobs, because they could easily be taken out of it if they manage to anger All for One enough, which would deter some people from being Pro Heroes.
Shigaraki Tomura (Shimura Tenko), someone whose Quirk came in during an extremely traumatic event and left him so scarred mentally he was never quite the same again, could easily simply give away his Quirk and have something far less volatile and triggering if he wished so, and also have a chance of potentially one day seeing his Quirk in the hands of someone like Izuku or Melissa, who could use it to its full potential without being constantly triggered by it or being re-traumatized again and again by the society who would rail on him for having such a potentially devastating Quirk.
Meta Liberation Army (which is a poorly disguised Brotherhood of Mutants on Genosha in X-men cartoons, let’s be realistic – the whole thing about the superiority of fight-compatible Quirks was not subtle at all) would be a much smaller and a lot less influential group. The publicity of a Quirk being able to take away other Quirks would make the existence of Deika City clones very, very difficult; it’d take but one hint, one whisper of a fringe group amassing in remote location that wants to eliminate so-called ‘useless Quirks’ for All for One to act – as much of an asshole as he is, he was shown [cite] to like all kinds of Quirks, despite only keeping the ones he felt were the most useful to him.
OK, but what about them being on the same side? You might ask yourself. If they’re so similar, why not make them both on the same side?
One, drama is always more delicious if there are high personal stakes involved, and nothing gets more personal than family drama – that’s just a fact. (Kardashians, anyone?)
Two, this is shonen – openly bad guys being the protagonists isn’t often done (in mainstream at least).
Three: we need some material to make all those ‘Izuku’s related to All for One or One for All first user’ for our satisfaction before Horikoshi josses the whole thing, okay??
(no, this is certainly not a call for you to make more ‘Izuku is related to original two brothers’… but it’s heavily suggested lol)
Thank you for sticking around until the end of this essay! Have a cookie, and enjoy the hell my mind led me to during the binge-read of the last 5 released chapters of manga:
#bnha meta#mha meta#quirk analysis#quirk meta#ofa and afo#shigaraki tomura#all for one#midoriya izuku#one for all#one for all users#I need more bnha meta#crossposted on ao3
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don’t crush my hopes like this! i still think you were right about the redemption arc, but i would love to hear how your thoughts have changed on that subject if you have time?
i’ve been meaning to write an updated post on shigaraki tomura and redemption for a while, given certain Developments that have been taking place in the manga. i haven’t gathered my thoughts on the matter, and i was on my feet for like 10 hours today, so this isn’t going to be very cohesive, but i’ll write something.
first, let's remember the main reasons i thought shigaraki tomura was eligible for a redemption arc back when i made THIS big long post in... 2016?! what the fuck. anyway, the reasons are:
at that time, tomura's worst crime was attempted murder, and “attempted” doesn’t count for shit. (i.e. he hadn't killed anyone)
tomura was not the main ringleader of the league of villains; that was AFO, and tomura was groomed and manipulated by him since childhood. so any bad things tomura did could be blamed on AFO, who told him to do bad things.
at that time, tomura’s motives/goals were not clear, meaning he could perhaps be easily dissuaded from evil
his immaturity made him seem like more of a sympathetic character and less of a serious threat
the possibility of redemption is directly mentioned in the text, and horikoshi-sensei is not very subtle, so it could have been a big hint
horikoshi-sensei made the narrative decision to allow us to see tomura's inner thoughts (as thought bubbles). as a somewhat unspoken rule of thumb, the reader is usually only allowed to see the inner thoughts of the protagonist(s).
but in the four years (what the fuck?) since i wrote that, tomura has undergone a TON of character development. so let’s do a little update for each point. (from memory, and i haven’t reread any chapters for like the past year.)
tomura’s worst crimes: i believe the first person we saw him kill was the guy driving the truck carrying overhaul to prison. i think directly killing someone is a huge threshold to step across when it comes to being redeemable or irredeemable. it wasn’t an accident, either. so tomura murdered that one guy, and i thought that was a big deal. then we had that whole ordeal with the meta liberation army battle, and tomura killed A SHIT TON of people. so many! that’s another big threshold he crossed. then, most recently, tomura killed a named hero (crust). that’s three huge lines shigaraki tomura has crossed when it comes to killing people. in my mind, that puts GIGANTIC dents in his redeemability score. and, of course, it has a huge effect on how much of a sympathetic character he is.
who is ringleading: AFO has been in prison for a good long while now. he doesn’t see tomura as his disciple; he sees him as his successor, and his own time is over. and although as recently as chapter 277 we can tell that AFO is still influencing tomura’s behavior (or at least the AFO quirk is, by putting words in his mouth), tomura has made it clear that he doesn’t intend to merely fulfill AFO’s desires anymore. he’s got his own desires now. tomura’s leadership has leveled up enormously, and that means he is definitely accountable for his own actions.
motives/goals: the deika arc made tomura’s motives and goals much more clear, as we finally got to see the much-foreshadowed accidental slaughter of his entire family. (i don’t count them toward his tally of killing people, for the record, because he was like four years old. no, not even his dad.) and all of his family member’s hands are shown to have been holding him back-- each one was a chance for tomura to question his pursuit of evil goals, and he said no to every one of them. essentially, attempts were made to dissuade him from evil, but he decided to stick to evil. he’s basically like, “you know what? i’ve thought about it a lot, and what i really want is to fuck shit up. i feel like that’s what’s right for me.” (paraphrase). he’s no longer just muddling around. i will concede that i still don’t fully understand what he wants, other than to fuck shit up. but i might understand better if i do some rereading.
immaturity: tomura grew up a lot in the deika arc. it’s pretty plain to see. i think losing the supervision of his babysitter (kurogiri) was a huge catalyst in forcing him to grow up. not to mention the challenge posed by gigantomachia.
narrative choices: horikoshi-sensei probably mentioned the possibility of “saving” tomura because it was something that would inevitably occur to readers (like me) upon learning more about his backstory. it wasn’t foreshadowing; it was lampshading. and as for letting us see tomura’s thoughts... i don’t think horikoshi-sensei meant anything by it, other than allowing the audience to get a better sense of tomura’s character.
so basically, i’m not saying redemption is out of the picture for shigaraki tomura. but looking at the huge amount of character development he’s undergone lately, none of these things make it easier for him to become a good person. in fact, it seems that they all make it significantly harder for him to become a good person. he’s further than ever before from understanding the error of his ways. so it’s not that my understanding at the time was wrong, but rather, my prediction was pretty much wrong. he was headed in the opposite direction from redemption.
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Hooooo boy we are feelin some EMOTIONS today, folks.
this is not a happy post, if you’d like to skip I entirely understand, and in fact encourage doing so.
I’ve been needing to do a one of these for a lil bit because I’ve got Thoughts and Feelings and they are complicated and I can’t accurately parse them in my head so we’re gonna air it out on Tumblr like a sheet on the line during laundry day.
here’s the thing.
I got some complicated family feelings in my chest places and it fucking *sucks*.
I was kept from spending time with my family by various means over the past several years to the point where I wasn’t attending holidays - which, in my family, is just not done. You can skip a holiday but you have to make it up on another occasion and I...wasn’t doing that anymore. Two separate people had me convinced I was not loved by my family, that they did not care for or appreciate me like *they* could and that I was better off not being around my family.
And maybe they had some valid points. Which I hate admitting because they used a lot of “valid points” to get me to be completely isolated in life without anyone but them and any time I branched out I was, for lack of a better term, “punished” for having denied them my attention or time or whatever. (this is of course not as nuanced a take on it as I would prefer but this is already going to be long without me going through the whole...everything, again. You can search the captain rambles and life post tags on my blog for more on this topic).
Anyway...so I’m no longer with people who are actively trying to keep me from talking to other people/being around people who are supportive of my own efforts and goals, etc. And I was welcomed back into my family with open arms and that was...honestly unexpected. After everything I’d had told to me about how they were and how they should be and what I should feel about them...I wasn’t expecting them to love me.
I rode that rose-colored wave for a *while*. But as the world descends into chaos and I learn more things about myself that make me feel more like *me* than I have...possibly ever now that I try and think about it, I am seeing things that I had hoped had been exaggerated or made up by those in my life who had hurt me.
My parents raised me in a very right-wing conservative household. The evangelical style of christianity didn’t come until I was already an adult but the building blocks must have been there or it wouldn’t have happened so...extremely when it finally did. There were a lot of...really shitty attitudes towards other people that I didn’t recognize growing up in it - I didn’t recognize it until a lot later, in fact.
They’re...They don’t see anything wrong with the way they are. Which, you know, *sucks*.
There’s going to be a lot of dismissive phrases littered throughout this because I’m trying to be...i don’t know. I do it as a thing to lighten the mental load on myself - dismissiveness and joking around, exaggerating for effect, etc. - which i know might come off weird but like...this is really fucking bothering me guys and I...I’m doing my best.
Cause here’s the thing. I was raised believing the world was one way and that we were *right* about things. We had the answers and anyone (liberals) who didn’t agree with us were wrong and would either see the light and come to our side or were too stupid to know how wrong they were so we wouldn’t have associated with them anyway. (reasons why i’m currently frustrated with the political opposition to Republicans/Conservatives/The Right #1 actually)
And then I grew up and I saw the world was not that way. And I expected that my family would be able to see the world with the insight I had gained, and..they just...don’t.
I’ve excused a lot of their shit beliefs recently. not like, trying to defend them to anyone or anything but I don’t confront them. Mostly because I know while they won’t say it to my face, I know how they think about people who think like me (because I was there for those conversations, I was there and I thought like them and now i don’t and that makes me one of those idiots they talked about, a stupid person who can’t see the truth they believe so fully that they think is backed up by facts and figures but their facts and figures are *flawed* - mine aren’t better but I can acknowledge that and extrapolating data from all the things and coming to a conclusion is what I was taught to do but now that I do it for the wrong side what must they think of me? What must they say behind my back?)
I have...a lot of kinda fucked up shit about my family. Nothing overt, nothing that immediately screams to me “Hey fuck-o, this shit isn’t a universal experience and something is wrong here!” but it’ll be small things that I’m like “Ah, okay. Not everyone had this experience and those that did are currently working through the *trauma* of it by going to *therapy*. Hm.”
I’ve done some work in that respect and that’s good. Doesn’t make my issues go away but makes it so I can handle them a little better. Most of the time anyway.
I’m trying to make several things that are true but contradictory work together in my brain and it’s not going well.
1) my family cares about me and wants me to do well.
2) my family has hurt me in the past and is currently hurting me (though not intentionally and not maliciously - please dear god let it be unintentional and non-malicious).
3) My family does not “agree” with LGBTetc people.
4) My family do not believe that there are systemic issues inherent in the government we live in/under and the society we must participate in (Because it benefits them, and they have not had to challenge their thoughts on this before).
5) My family are kind of racist.
6) My family was my only support system when I was leaving an abusive situation.
7) ...My family might have abused me a little.
I go back and forth on point seven a *lot*. See point 2 about the intentionality/maliciousness factors. If they didn’t mean to do it, does it still count?
Does it matter if it still hurts?
My sister outright told me that she doesn’t agree with trans people (meaning she doesn’t believe you can be trans, really). But I’m okay because it’s me, and now I can be her gay best friend when we’re drinking at family stuff.
She didn’t understand why I was hurt by that. I attempted to explain it and she got defensive and angry so I just...didn’t fight about it. Just played the part. I’m her brother when it benefits her but otherwise I’m still her sister. I’m still mom and dad’s daughter. Even though I told them I’m not a girl. I told them I’m a guy.
Dad’s response was the most favorable initially and I think...he might eventually come around to it (he’s always wanted a son. he has a boy dog and has also imprinted really hard on his lawn roomba about it). He also might...not.
I’d like to transition further. Eventually. If it’s feasible. But also, right now it’s not. Right now it’s me cutting my hair short and not wearing dresses or skirts (even though they’re super comfy) because I want to avoid being misgendered as often as possible. It’s binding for uncomfortable and unsafe lengths of time because I am a MAN dammit, and I will be a man at this family function in whatever way I can. And when I go to the length that I do to be seen the way I want to be seen and I am *ignored*....
fuckin’ hurts you guys. I just fuckin’ hurts.
And I want to correct them. I want to stand up and say STOP YOU’RE HURTING ME. PLEASE. I AM NOT A GIRL. I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS WHOLE TIME I JUST DIDN’T KNOW WHY I DIDN’T FEEL RIGHT AS A GIRL. PLEASE JUST CALL ME A BOY, USE MY PRONOUNS, USE A NEW NAME OR AT LEAST THE NICKNAME THAT ISN’T MY FULL NAME.
but i don’t.
because I’m scared of losing them again.
And it’s fucked up because they’re *already* lost. They’re Fox-watchers and Trump-supporters and they don’t want to listen to science or facts or *anything* outside of what’s presented to them by pundits and talk show hosts, and the fucking EIB network with their political propaganda for anything that isn’t what the liberals want.
And I don’t know that I can get them back because they’re *real* far down that particular rabbit hole. And I’m...I’m just trying to figure out what I want in life. What makes me happy. And part of what I want is what I always wanted and never had.
I want my mom and dad to look at me, see me, see what I do see how I try and what I love and care about and tell me that I’m enough. That they love me because this is who I am and I am enough for them. Even if I wasn’t accomplished and didn’t try they would still love me because I’m *me*. and I’m their *child* and they *love me*.
And GOD it is so FUCKING painful to know that’s not a realistic thing to hope for. Because I’ve been trying for 28 GODDAMN years doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I can to be enough for them. I played good, christian, conservative little girl for SO goddamn long, even when I wasn’t Christian or conservative anymore, even when I saw the cracks, I wanted to be what they wanted.
And even now that I *am* what my dad wanted (a son) I’m not enough because to him i’m still a girl, to my mom I’m the failed daughter the one she didn’t do enough for so now it’s about how she fucked up and not about NO. This is ME. Stop. Stop LOOKING at me like that WHEN YOU DON’T SEE ME. YOU SEE SOME IDEALIZED VERSION OF ME WHO WAS NEVER GOING TO EXIST BECAUSE SHE WASN’T ENOUGH EITHER.
...
This is a lot more than I thought it would be, pain wise tonight, guys. My bad.
I’m still struggling with my eating habits, I’m still struggling with my self-worth, and finding what makes me feel fulfilled. I’m getting better at some of it though.
I’ve smiled and laughed more in the past week or so than I have since I came out to my family. I wouldn’t have done that without my very very good friends who are very very kind to me and god I wish I could do more than draw stupid pictures and write stupid stories for them but it makes them happy too? so i’ll just do what I can and maybe it’ll be alright.
Gonna try not to fall too deep down the abandonment issues pit tonight folks. I’m already upset enough.
Good talk.
#I was fine and then all of the sudden I was no longer fine#whoops#lol#processing trauma'll do that to a guy i guess#the captain rambles#LIFE POST#haven't tagged that in a while heh#not feelin so great tonight babes but i'll be alright eventually#i love all of you very much and if you ever feel lost or alone or are hurting (esp because of family) please know i am here for you#i don't want any of you to feel that way about it#come to my DMs send me an ask whatever you need#i love you be safe be healthy and most of all be kind
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Title: The Hat Stealer Pirates
Summary: Portgas D. Rouge was a strange Captain, mainly because she kept claiming that Brook was going to be the musician of the future Pirate King. Not the one of the first Pirate King, but the one after. For now, he was pretty happy to be part of her crew though and help her on her search for a good hat. (Or: Monkey D. Luffy doesn’t do normal. Not even reincarnation.)
AN: Inspired by that one scene in film Gold where Luffy wears a dress and a hibiscus flower. I blame this on literally everybody who said “go write!!” on my “pls stop me” tumblr post. This is for you. Behold. The plot of this is that Luffy/Rouge wants a hat. That’s it. That’s the story.
Brook didn’t know anyone stranger than his Captain. Portgas D. Rouge was a force to be reckoned with. She was bright, loud and vibrant, never really slowing down. In her own way, she forced people to go along with her pace, never really just inviting them to join her. No, Rouge managed to draw people in, attracting all kinds of attention, by merely existing. Not everyone could stand it though, which was why Brook supposed their crew was so small.
They were barely ten members, Captain and cabin boy included in his count. Brook hadn’t thought Rouge would let a nine-year-old join, but she had shown up with little Mihawk a few weeks ago and the kid had stayed ever since. He was a stubborn little brat, demanding sword lessons from Brook every day and Haki lessons from their Captain right after.
“He’s like a more serious Zoro!” Rouge had chirped, squishing Mihawk’s cheeks to his protest.
Brook didn’t know what a Zoro was, but he trusted his Captain’s word.
She tended to be right about all things dear to her.
X
Kureha hadn’t wanted to join a pirate crew. She had been quite content on Drum island, but then that D. had shown up and Kureha hadn’t been able to say no to the charismatic woman kicking down her door. Not when she had talked about the future with so much sincerity.
“Is it a good place?” Kureha asked one morning.
“The very best! You’ll teach the doctor who can heal any sickness!”
Kureha, despite her appearance or attitude, was an old woman in the sense that she had lived a long life already. Perhaps too long. Sometimes it was difficult for her to look back at the age that was and still believe that the future will be any better.
But in the meantime, if she was supposed to mentor a doctor as kind as this Chopper her Captain described, Kureha should better brush up on her knowledge on sicknesses all beyond Drum. It wouldn’t do if her apprentice weren’t prepared well enough for the storm Rouge betted on.
X
“What about this one?” Heracles said, stealing the hat of the captain of the crew they had just captured.
He handed the orange barrett hat to Rouge.
“Oooh, I like the color!” Rouge exclaimed. “Ace will have one just like that!”
Cheerfully she picked the pink hibiscus flower from her hair and carefully stashed it in the pocket of her red vest. Heracles was reasonably sure that the flower should be dried out by now, but it was still as pretty as the day he had met Rouge for the first time.
Then again, this was the Grand Line.
Their musician was a talking skeleton.
Heracles should stop wondering about all the strange occurrences in these waters.
Rouge tried the hat on, moving it around a few times with a thoughtful expression.
“What the fuck- Urgh!”
Heracles glanced at Mihawk, but the cabin boy didn’t even bother to look apologetic as he pushed Rouge’s kairoseki staff even deeper into the rival Captain’s stomach.
“How do I look?” Rouge asked, semi-content with how the hat was positioned on her head.
If there was one thing Heracles had learned in the past year traveling with his Captain, it was that Rouge valued honesty. No matter how ugly and terrible, she couldn’t stand lies.
“The color fits your freckles,” Heracles replied. “But it’s not your kind of hat.”
Rouge sighed and dropped her arms in defeat. “I knew it. I’ll never find a proper hat!”
She then placed the hat back on the head of their hostage and held out her hand for her staff. They had started confiscating Mihawk’s sword a while back in hopes the kid wouldn’t immediately jump into every battle they faced, but the kid had just opted for stealing an enemy’s sword, building quite the collecting, or Rouge’s staff since she started favoring her fists when the fights became too dull.
Most of their battles had been beneath her level so far.
Heracles had stopped believing she was from a tiny island in South Blue a while ago.
“Did you know you can coat your weapons in Haki?” Rouge asked Mihawk.
The boy nodded eagerly and Rouge grinned, then she took a step back from the captured pirates.
The men whimpered.
“Take good care of your hat!” Rouge shouted and sent them flying with her black staff.
They watched as the other crew landed a couple hundred meters away in the water, their one devil fruit user being held up by the rest of the crew.
“So!” Rouge spoke up again and put her flower back into her hair. “Party now?”
X
“Mihawk,” Rouge said, drawing out the vowels. “You’re not supposed to go on an adventure without me.”
The fourteen-year-old tried to escape Rouge’s hug, but the Captain wouldn’t let go of him. Rouge was an annoying woman, always touching people and trying to make them smile. Mihawk really wasn’t the kind of person who did either and Rouge had seemed to make it her personal mission to shower him in affection.
Thankfully, he had learned how to distract her.
“I brought you a hat!” Mihawk declared and presented Rouge the straw hat he had liberated from a red-haired brat.
The kid had almost made him lose his match with his distracting shouts, he’d had it coming. Besides, Mihawk had needed something to make Rouge forget he’d taken off on his own again. While Rouge had never cared what exactly everyone was up to when they went exploring a new island, she at least wanted to be told when you took off. Mihawk may have ignored that in favor of racing to a sword tournament. He just hadn’t been able to wait! He had won plenty of money too and was willing to buy himself his quiet hours by bribing Rouge with meat.
“That’s a good hat,” Rouge agreed. She looked almost nostalgic. “Where did you get it?”
“I-“
“HEY!”
Mihawk looked past Rouge to see the scrawny red-head from before approach at a rapid speed. So Mihawk hadn’t been able to get rid off the kid.
Damn it.
X
Portgas D. Rouge had been a strange child, always talking about places and people she shouldn’t know of, but had seen in her dreams. The village that had raised her had simply accepted the oddness of the little girl and had moved on. The circumstances under which she had come into their care had already been weird enough, there was no need to question her further.
Rouge herself hadn’t known the truth behind her dreams and the Voice whispering so sweetly in her ears until she had almost drowned at the beach one morning, playing with the other kids.
Baterilla had been so full of adventure before Rouge had choked on saltwater.
Afterward, it had appeared much too dull, simple, and gray for the late Pirate King.
Monkey D. Luffy had lived his life. He had fulfilled his own dream and watched his Nakama reach their goals one by one, joyful smiles spread over their faces.
He’d died in battle like he had wanted, and now he was back again.
And Bored.
Luffy, Rouge, hadn’t wanted to become Pirate King again - and, yes, she would have been King still. That was the proper title and the name Rouge wore now didn’t change that. But without her dream to go chase or her Nakama to support, Rouge felt empty. What was there to do when you had already fulfilled the dream you had pursued all your life?
She and her brothers had sworn to live a life without regrets, so Rouge tried her best to look forward, even if she had a hard time seeing anything interesting at all.
She missed her friends and her family.
And she missed her hat.
Shanks had let Luffy keep it in the end. The Mugiwara Pirates couldn’t really be Straw Hats without their signature symbol after all.
Rouge, on the other hand, didn’t have a hat and had become used to sticking flowers in her hair. They were pretty cool and smelled nice, but they were no hat. The women in the village had called it a shame to cover her beautiful locks with anything. Naturally, Rouge disagreed with that sentiment. Everything was better with a hat, even the hair the women and girls loved to braid. They adored doing that almost as much as they liked sticking her into wide and frilly skirts.
Luffy had only worn skirts and dresses a couple times, they hadn’t suited his fighting style then with his rubber powers. But Rouge hadn’t eaten the Gomu Gomu no Mi, so no rubber limbs were getting tangled in the skirts’ fabric.
Rouge had no devil fruit powers, no hat and no crew and no idea what to do.
Setting sail again had seemed like a good idea. She didn’t know these waters, so maybe there’d be new adventures for her. Rouge would be a horrible Captain if she didn’t make sure that her family would get to live in freedom a little earlier if Rouge pushed the storms in the right direction. Brook was already waiting for someone to hear him play, and she might not be his Captain anymore, and never would be, but she couldn’t let Brook suffer loneliness any longer if she could prevent it.
And somewhere in-between the waves of the sea, Rouge learned how to appreciate swimming, picked up a crew and goal: she wanted a new hat.
And now she was finally looking at it.
Monkey D. Luffy had lived and died, but Rouge was a pirate and pirates were selfish.
And she really, really wanted her hat.
“You can’t have it!” Shanks protested, pointing accusingly at the straw hat. His voice was much too high and he was much too short. “It belongs to my Captain!”
Rouge hadn’t really spent a lot of time thinking about the not yet Pirate King. The Roger Pirates seemed like a fun bunch, though, and she had been meaning to find someone strong to fight.
It had taken a while to adjust to limbs that didn’t stretch endlessly, but once she had managed that, all battles became slightly disappointing. At least Mihawk was on his way to become the World’s Greatest Swordsman (until Zoro took his title) and training him was fun.
“If it belongs to your Captain, why do you have it?” Rouge asked Shanks.
Shanks crossed his arms in front of his chest, blushing red. “Well- I’m holding onto it for him right now! But that doesn’t matter! You have to give it back!”
Rouge twirled her hat in her hands, then tucked her flower behind the hat’s red ribbon and put it on her head. Its weight was familiar, it fit well.
No way she’d give it back now.
“Tell your Captain if he wants it back, he can come and fight me for it!”
“What!? You can’t do that!” Shanks shouted but made no move to attack her.
“I’m a pirate, I can do whatever I want.”
Smiling happily, Rouge turned to walk into the direction of her ship, Mihawk following her. It took only a moment, then Shanks rushed after them, still demanding the hat back. If he made it onto her ship, he’d have to come with them. Heracles and Brook had caused some trouble in the city, the marines would chase them out soon.
Oh, well. Roger was almost at his strongest right now, wasn’t he? He should be able to pick up on Shanks’s disappearance.
Rouge would get to fight the Pirate King. This life had undoubtedly turned out to be an excellent adventure.
Ignoring Shanks and Mihawk’s shouting behind her back, Rouge wondered if defeating him meant that she could take all his supplies too. He was a D. after all, he must have lots of meat on his ship. And if not, she’d make him invite her to the matches between him and Ace’s old Captain. She never got to fight him either!
“Rouge, can I get rid of the brat?”
“Don’t call me a brat, you creepy vampire!”
This life had really turned out to be a great adventure, and it was only getting better.
#one piece#monkey d. luffy#portgas d rouge#dracule mihawk#shanks#brook one piece#op fanfic#fanfic#don't ask me what this is
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Putting Reek in Greek
Essentially just a repost of walkamongyou’s excellent What Happens in Malia... with few tweaks thrown in. I take his feedback “Love how plausible you've made it“ as high praise, as that was the goal.
Thank fuck the week is almost over. It all started because I booked a discount holiday to Malia, like a fucking egit. The flights were cheap and the advert promised it’d be a ‘Great Gay Getaway’. It started out with a delayed flight, adding 4 hours of waiting in a packed terminal on top of the 3 hour uncomfortable flight. We were late to the crappy hotel, my room had already been given to someone else, and I got downgraded to a filthy cupboard with a narrow bed and no shower. The indifferent staff told me the price difference would be reimbursed on my credit card within two weeks and that I could use the pool shower.
I could have lived with giving up my beach view room with queen size bed and marble bath tub if there were some great gays to get away with, but no. Had I done any research I would have known that the place is littered with pubs and chippy shops for plebs who want to get wasted and watch footie in better weather. To top it all off I’ve coincided directly with all the trashiest stag and hen dos known to man. Everyone’s a chav, everyone’s English and worst of all, everyone’s straight as a ruler. Definitely nothing to offer a cultured gay man from South London. So here I am, sat in a tacky cocktail bar with two nights left, and can’t wait to get the fuck back to work. I just got what might be the evening’s last Old Fashioned, contemplating going to bed early when they enter.
They’re a classic example of everything that’s wrong with the Brits. They stagger in, singing and chanting “OI OI” and “Lads! Lads!”. They’re young, comically sunburnt, with identical chavvy haircuts, short on the sides and long on top. A group of working class boys on a lads’ holiday. One of them’s wearing a t shirt that says ‘On it till we vomit’, another that says ‘Pussy Patrol’ and a couple of them, of course, have football shirts. They’re a ridiculous cliché, drunk and rowdy. One loud-mouthed guy, their leader, is particularly handsome. He’s topless despite this being a public place, revealing a toned, athletic body; he wouldn’t look out of place dancing on a podium in Soho. His hair is dark brown and spikey, he has a diamond stud in both ears and a mischievous expression on his face as he starts chanting ‘Shots! Shots! Shots!’ and soon they’re all joining in. A row of tequila appears from the bar and he cries out “What happens in Malia stays in Malia!”
I don’t want them here. I resent their misogynistic ways and the atmosphere they’ve created. Not to mention I’m having a terrible day, so the London boy in me does the only thing he can think of and seeks out the bouncer, a bald, robust figure in a tight black T-shirt stood by the doorway.
“Is there any chance you can get those guys to leave? They’re making people uncomfortable.”
He shakes his head “Sorry, sir, there’s nothing I can do.”
“Are you sure? It’s not fair on everyone else in here”
“As long as they don’t break any laws, pay their bills, don’t fight or break anything they are welcome to stay.“
Normally I’d give up, but I’m miserable and exhausted from sleeping with an AC unit rattling outside my room, so I feel a lie come to my lips. I even shock myself as I say it.
“But they are breaking the law. I’ve seen them at another bar this evening and they’re dealing drugs.”
He looks at me, the irritable expression gone from his face.
“What did you say?“
“I said they’re drug dealers. They’ve been selling cocaine.”
Suddenly, his expression is deadly serious.
“Thanks for letting me know. You have a good evening now.”
I watch them covertly, with a slight smile as the security guard approaches them. There’s a confrontation, voices are raised, and like kicking a beehive they buzz around the bar collecting their shit. They glare around the bar, even in my direction, before they go and peace returns. I chuckle to myself. What happens in Malia stays in Malia… Stupid chav cunts.
I go back to the bar stool and finish my cocktail at a leisurely pace, sit for a while and listen to the music they’re playing. At least I think that’s what I do. Everything starts going fuzzier and fuzzier, warmer and hazier. I need to get out and get some fresh air.
“Mate, wake up…”
I’m groggy, I’m parched, my head’s pounding and I’ve no idea where I am.
“Wake up, fella!”
I feel a strong pair of hands shaking me, gently at first, and then roughly. My eyes slowly open, but everything’s dark and for a second I’m terrified that I might have gone blind, until a pair of sunglasses is pulled from my face and I’m blinded instead by the bright Malia sun. It’s high enough for breakfast to be over. Leaning over me is a handsome man; he’s wearing a grey t shirt and a backwards cap, but I recognise him instantly as the topless guy from last night. I panic, try to move but my body doesn’t want to respond and instead I slump to the ground.
“Whoa…whoa…”, the man says, catching me in his arms and holding me tight against his broad chest. “Thank fuck you’re a skinny bastard.”
He props me back up on the deck chair I was sleeping on, holding my head upright, his face close to mine. I can smell chewing gum and cigarettes on his breath. I’m sure it’d be erotic if I wasn’t so frightened. "Now dickhead, I want you to listen very carefully to me. Blink once if you understand.”
He’s using a hushed, calm voice, but with more than a hint of viciousness. I manage to consciously blink, though even that is an effort.
“Good. Now, it seems like you had your drink spiked. Unlucky for you, but fortunately I here to help you. I left you out in the sun for a bit to sober you up but clearly it didn’t work. You’re wankered…”
He ruffles my hair and my head instantly slumps to the side without him supporting it, so he takes a hold of my temples and pulls me sharply back upright.
He barely whispers now. “OK, listen to me, you little prick. You messed with the wrong lads last night. We’re no drug dealers, but it cut close to home for some of my mates, so they are divesting certain personal pharmaceutical investments as we speak. Personally I ditched my stash of slow release growth hormones by giving you quite a liberal dose. It should have you set well into the next quarter, perhaps longer. Russians really now how to cheat...”
He chuckles darkly and stares straight into my eyes. Back to normal voice again. “Don’t look so scared mate. My job is to keep you in sight and entertained until they are back. We’re going to have a great day together… Now, what’s your name again?”
I try to respond, but can only groan.
“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that…” He laughs, coughs and then spits on the floor. “Well…my name’s Caine, and to be honest, fella, I don’t give a shit what your name is…But what I do give a shit about is that you ruined a proper good vacation for me and the lads.”
My body tenses at this accusation “No worries though… tonight’s a new night, as they say… and you’re going to make it unforgettable. You’re about to become the newest member of our Lads on Tour group: Gaz. That’s your name, right? Gaz? Blink once if it is…"
I sit there, not responding. My name definitely isn’t Gaz. He grunts and lands a hard slap across my face.
“I said blink if your name’s Gaz!”
This time I do blink.
“Good lad. You’re not as thick as you look. Now, Gaz, let’s get you semi-functional. We’ve got lots to do today and a big night ahead of us. Drink this.“
He shoves gym water bottle in my mouth and squeeze it lightly. I can do nothing else but drink it, though I happily do. It tastes like an isotonic drink. Sweet, salty, slightly sour and slightly bitter all at the same time.
I’m staggering down the street, with Caine supporting me. A lot of passers-by are shaking their head or trying to not stare at us…well, me; to an outside eye he looks like a well-meaning boy helping out his mate who’s had one too many. Nobody would guess he was a straight chav with a perverse sense of justice, propping up a sedated gay man.
But it’s not only this apparent display of friendship that is making people stare. Despite not having had a good look at myself, it is clear even to me I’d been out in the sun for far too long. “You look a bit burnt there Gaz. I thought I lathered you up pretty well with sun lotion. Looks like I took the tanning oil by mistake.” My usual pale skin was a painful, blazing red all aside from a tan line where he’d left a pair of sunglasses on my face and an equally ridiculous set of white lines where he’d dressed me in an old wife beater; I was now modelling what most Brits would call a ‘twat tan.’
It wasn’t just any wife beater either. In contrast with my normal, well accessorized shirt, chinos and brogues look, I only had a total of four items on my body. One pair of orange Jägermeister promotion flip flops. One pair of blue, slinky adidas football shorts as, perhaps not less expensive, but certainly cheaper looking stand in for board shorts. And finally, the crown jewel, someone’s black wife beater that read “I HAVE THE DICK SO I MAKE THE RULES” in outlandish red letters. All of it covered in traces of what must have been at least one out of vomit, food and cum, and I could definitely smell both sweat and alcohol wafting from it.
All of this I piece together painfully slow, as I’m practically carried by Caine along the scorching street towards God knows where. I’m paraded around town like an effigy of the worst of Britain, unable to do anything to shield myself from, or even look at the passerby.
Suddenly Caine steers me into a building. As he guides me through the door, I notice the spinning red, blue and white of a barber’s pole. It’s a Turkish barbers; the two men working there turn around and eye me up and down, one is unable to quell a small laughter, the other barely hiding his disgust. It’s a far cry from the warm welcome and prosecco I get at Toni & Guy in London. The decor is ugly and cheap, with neon lights and linoleum. The two men discuss something among themselves in another language, ignoring us, until one finally comes forward with a neutral “You want a haircut?”
Caine throws me in the barber’s chair. I notice whatever I’ve been spiked with is starting to wear off as I’m now just about able to support my own head. The barber is behind me, glaring and tutting like I’m an idiot. I see him take in the stains and slogan on the tank top as he puts the cape around my neck.
“You look unwell.” he states.
Caine’s voice comes from behind me. “Yeah man, he’s just taken a lot of shit. You’re a pussy but you’re right as rain ain’t you Gaz mate?” He slaps me hard on the chest. It’s agonising on my sunburn, but I can barely flinch.
The barber seems appeased, rolling his eyes, and taking another look at the photo Caine is showing him on his phone.
“While we were out Gaz gave me strict orders to get him a fresh cut before we hit the town again today. When he sobers up he’ll be gutted if he isn’t looking his best. He even said he’d pay triple, didn’t you Gaz mate?”, he laughs. “You stupid stoner bastard.”
The barber nods OK.
I’m sure he’s being deliberately rough as he sets to work, shoving my head from side to side and pressing the clippers tightly against my scalp, totally ignoring my sunburn. Still, while my muscle control is coming back, I’m feeling fatigued, and before I know it I doze off. When I come to, the barber is holding a mirror up to the back of my head and tapping my shoulder impatiently.
“Your haircut, sir.”
I see Caine’s reflection appear behind me, smiling broadly, flashing his perfect white teeth, then see my own eyes widen as I take in this new look. Gone is my fashionable London haircut. In it’s place is a modernised fusey bowl cut; the top third of my head is covered, but below that is a harsh line where I’ve been shaved bald. The barber must have done something to the hair he left on my head, as it’s now blow dried into a ridiculous, voluminous mess. I look like a giant iced gem. It’s a style I’ve only ever seen on the stupidest chavs and builders trying to copy their favourite stars from The Only Way is Essex.
“Oi oi, Gaz, a perfect lad’s haircut for a night out with the boys!” Cain shouts in my ear. “Great idea with a perm innit?! You get this do for half a year without any work in the morning.” He reaches across to shake the barber’s hand. “Thanks, I promise Gaz is smiling too, aren’t you mate? Thinking of all the pussy you’ll get with your new do ain’t ya?” Both men laugh as Caine reaches into his pocket and pulls out what I see is my wallet, cramming a handful of euros into the barber’s hand; well above what I assume is triple their going rate it. “Keep the change mate.”
The barber smiles.
“Have a good one lads…” He turns to Caine and lowers his voice. “Please help your friend take a shower. He really needs one.”
“I can’t wait to tell the lads how you were too stinky to stay in that Turkish barbers! Classic Gaz! Gaz the Stinker! Must be all the growth hormone that is starting to kick in.” Caine howls as he leads me down the pavement, people are staring at us. The sun is above us, so it must be about lunch time.
“Now, Gaz, mate, we’ve got one more stop before we’re ready for our special lads’ night. But I want this one to be a surprise. Drink up.” He handed me the gym bottle again. Still thirsty I eagerly empty it. “Good lad. I added something extra, so it’s not just electrolytes and that mental patient docile stuff you had before. It’s time for you to have another little sleep. Not even a stab in your guts would wake you up…”
Eventually I do wake up, this time to the distant sound of buzzing. I know the drill by now; I try to speak, but no sound comes out. My senses clear and I feel the gentle touch of someone rubbing me with lotion. It stings. As I look around I realise with horror exactly where I am. He’s taken me to a fucking tattoo parlour. I don’t even have any tattoos…well, correction, I didn’t. I feel a lump in my throat as I dread to think of what Caine has in store for me.
As if on cue, he appears. “Morning you lazy bastard! You’ve woken up just in time; quite a few helping hands worked together to sort out all those tats for you in time. But we got it just like you wanted, Gaz!”
I wonder what tattoo artists would work on an unconscious client, but I know Caine is a ruthlessly smooth talker. I remember articles I’d laughed at in the Daily Mail of people who’d had ridiculous tattoos done on holiday. Now, thanks to Caine, I could add my own name to that illustrious list.
“You guessed it mate, you’ve got some sick new ink. What’s better is Phoebe here is treating them with burn victim lotion. Seals those fuckers right in, so you can go swim tomorrow if you like. Makes them a bit blurry, but it’s no worse than any one year old tat. Let me show you on my phone…”
With a manic glint in his eye, he slowly scrolls through the photos of the artist’s handiwork in front of my face with careful glee, enjoying how I can’t really react, but I still find myself gasping at what he shows me.
My body has been turned into a ridiculous canvas of male clichés; there are British flags and patriotic slogans, roses, poppies and images of football players I don’t even recognise on my arms, legs, neck and chest. There clearly is a wide range of styles and level of abilities represented. But the blazing centrepiece is a huge Celtic print of three letters across my back; a name, not my name, a name bestowed upon me today: ‘GAZ’, underlined with the grammatically incorrect phrase ‘Malia 2017. Lad’s on tour’
Caine locks eyes with me in triumph.
“On other guys I’d think this much ink was stupid, but on you, mate, it’s fucking on point. I’m happy it came out perfect, since red and yellow can’t be lasered.”
He swipes to the next photo, showing a gaudy glass stud in my earlobe.
“It’s acid treated, so you don’t have to worry about the piercings growing shut.”
Everything is starting to blur together. Perhaps I’m in shock, and you would think for all the sleeping I’ve done today I would be on top of things. Caine has led me back to the cheap holiday apartment where this hellish day began. This time I can feel tingling, like pins and needles, of movement returning to my body. I’m able to stand up on my own, and I’m in the middle of a bedroom with Caine in front of me. He’s dressed really nicely in a white linen shirt, breathtakingly handsome. In spite of all that’s happening I can feel my penis bulging in the adidas shorts he put me in this morning. I don’t want to get hot for him, and perhaps this is another of his additions to the water, but I suspect he just is that hot.
“Now, mate, let’s get the final touches for the finale. I want you to have a say in this, since you’ve been so good all day. Which footie top is it going to be for the big night? What do you say, Stinker? Red, or blue?”
He spins me around forcefully and I gaze up at two football shirts hanging on the wall. I assume they’ve both already been worn by one of my new ‘friends’ the night before. My shoulders slump in defeat and I quietly nod in the direction of the blue one.
He pulls it over my head. As expected it smells of stale sweat. “Nice choice, mate. I think the red would have really brung out your sunburn. You really should get some aloe vera on that, you daft twat. No time for that now though, the lads are waiting and it’s taken you all fucking day to get ready.”
We’re in front of a club, waiting in a queue. Everyone is dressed nicely, in collared shirts and dresses, and I feel so conspicuous in my sweaty football gear. I’ve regained a lot of movement, but I’m lumbering and everything’s still fuzzy around the edges. “Sorry everyone!” Caine shouts “Gaz here has had five pints too many!”
As we reach the front of the queue, a dapper bouncer blocks the way.
“Identification, Sir.” The bouncer stressed the Sir a bit extra, dripping with disapproval. There was an awkward pause. I check the flimsy pockets of my football shorts, but they were as empty as I had expected them to be.
“Oi, Gaz I have your new passport.” Caine handed over a passport to the bouncer. It was one of those temporary passports embassies issue for people daft enough to lose it while abroad. The bouncer opened it, made a quick look, and handed it back. With far fewer pages than a normal passport it looked flimsy. I opened it and flipped to the identification page. Most of the fields were what I would expected them to be. Height, sex, number all as expected. The expiration date was only a month in the future. Again, nothing surprising for a temporary passport. But the photo made me nauseous. It was a photo from today, though I had no memory of it being taken. My mouth was slack jawed open, eyes bloodshot, sleepy and unfocused, skin unevenly tanned. To crown it all, that ugly haircut and two slits shaved in my left eye brow. I had no memory of that being done either. I raised my hand to confirm. I was painfully aware that had the photo been shot a few hours later there would also be a pair of cheap studs in my freshly pierced ears and an ugly tattoo snaking up from the tank top, on the side of the neck.
Just as horrifying as my run-down visage was the name in the passport. Instead of John Holland, my name, it says "Gaz Taylor". As if he could read my mind, though that wouldn't be that hard at the moment, Caine spoke again. “The lads were kind enough to submit a deed poll to correct your name before getting your temp passport. With any luck your new permanent ID card should be waiting for you when you get home. I say permanent, but you can of course change name again in like 2 years, or whatever their hold off time is.”
The club is classy, expensive and busy. Caine guides me across the room, his hand pressing firmly into the small of my back, over to a group of men who are chatting among themselves. Of course it’s the same group of lads as the day before, my new ‘mates’. “Fellas…you remember Gaz? He’s very sorry about last night and really keen to make it up to you all!”
They turn, and I feel their eyes on me, taking me in; the tattoos, the outfit, the piercings, the hair. They’re all dressed nicely, suave and in sharp contrast to the ridiculous figure Caine has shaped me into; there’s a moment of silence before they burst into raucous laughter.
Soon I’m being shoved from person to person, they’re all shaking my hands, offering me swigs of their pint, clapping me on the back and eager to spend time with their new ‘mate’. I feel that even with those minuscule amounts of beer, my tired body is sinking fast. One of them squeezes my bicep, asking me if I’ve started to swell yet and if I watched the match last night. Another asks me if I knew there was a dress code, pointing at my top and loudly shouting “Classic Gaz”. Someone named Chris tells me he knows a guy who needs concrete workers, and write a number with a marker pen on my arm. Another pulls me over, asks me what the capital of Thailand is, before slapping me hard in the balls and saying “Bang cock!” They are all taking the piss out of me.
I’m standing with a guy called Shaun, who is showing me a top he picked up for me that day that is also ‘Classic Gaz’, a lime green t shirt proudly emblazoned with the words ‘MUFF DIVER’. However, this presentation is cut short by lights flashing from outside in red and blue, and the music in the club stops abruptly. The boys scatter and I feel a lump of joy in my throat. Somebody must have informed the police; finally my nightmare is over!
Four police officers quickly advance towards me. I look around and Caine is no where to be seen. In fact I don’t recognise anyone around me. I don’t realise how drunk I am until two of the officers roughly restrain me and put me in handcuffs. I try to speak to them, but they completely ignore anything I say, and as I’m shoved into the back of a police car I can hear the music start in the club again.
I wake up as they drag me out of the car. Everything is so unreal. Like it is happening to someone else. A police man is asking me questions and I think I answer them. Two officers take me to a well lit room and tell me to take off my clothes. Flip flops, shorts, shirt. Every piece can be removed in one motion. They take photos. They look in my mouth. I lie on my belly on an angled, padded table. I’ve had things in my ass many times before, but this wasn’t what I hoped for. I get dressed again. They take me to a small cell, and I can finally fall asleep.
When I wake up again for a few seconds everything feels fine. Nothing hurts. A bit thirsty perhaps, but nothing more. Then I see a horrible football tattoo and a cellphone number scribbled on my arm, and all the memories of what has been done to me floods back. There is no clock in the cell, so I don’t know exactly how many hours I sit there until someone comes to get me, but I have plenty of time to consider my situation. I understand what Caine meant with growth hormones producing smelly sweat, because it is definitively me and not the clothes that stink the worst.
When someone finally come and get me it is a police officer explaining they got a call about a drug dealer matching my description. While they didn’t find any drugs, I was clearly under the influence and they kept me in custody. The blood report showed a whole buffet of different drugs, but being under the influence isn’t an offense in itself. He further informs me that a report has been sent to Europol so I should arrive airports an hour earlier from now on, as I can expect thorough searches. With that he wishes me good luck and hope I can get my life back on track. He has no idea.
Lastly he hands me a sports bag. I had been checked out of the hotel while in custody, and the bag was the only thing in my room. A last laugh from Caine. The bag contains a wrinkled bundle of damp clothes. Joggers, sweatshirt, t-shirt, a pair of seriously worn trainers and three socks. No underwear. It’s as if someone did a hard workout and then put his clothes in sealed bag for a day. No matter how I am getting home, it will be just as unpleasant for any travelers close to me, since without wallet this is what I’ll wear.
In the side pocket is a hotel envelope containing three papers. The checkout folio from the hotel, a Ryanair boarding pass for the evening flight back in the name Gaz Taylor, and a fax from my employer. Or rather former employer, as it reads “Upon receiving the drug use report we are hereby terminating your employment effective immediately in accordance with section 18 (e) of your employment contract.” I look again at the phone number scribbled on my arm.
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Hi I hope you're doing ok I just wanted to ask a question. What do you think of Daenerys from game of thrones,I'm sorry its really random right but I've always wanted to know.oh and those christmas stories are really great are you going to continue those or were they just a one shot ? And as always I love you and you're writing.
Christmas stories? You mean the 👀👀👀 side-eye ask-responses fics? Because they weren’t Christmas stories, so much as people sending those “inviting creators to share something in progress that they wanted to finish in 2019, but didn’t manage to” asks to me and me sharing snippets of WIPs. Eventually all of them will be completed fics and will be shared on the appropriate archives, but until then, they’re just sitting in my “In Progress” folder, waiting to be worked on.
As for you query about Dany, I’m very on the fence about her. Throughout the books and the early seasons of the TV show, she’s my least favourite character because she’s so far removed from all the other plotlines all the way over across the Narrow Sea. There are some sections in the middle where I quite liked her, and I confess that in Season 7, I was all for having her take over as Queen of Westeros.
Unfortunately, D & D ruined that. And though I can see WHY they had to play it that way from an author’s perspective (particularly since they’re not the original authors, essentially making the last couple of seasons a D & D version of fanfic, if you think about it), I didn’t like her by the end. She went too far (no matter how Cersei pushed her to get there) and honestly, she became too hell-bent on ruling the world. Early on, her acts of violence were all for the sake of rescuing the oppressed and championing freedom. She weeded out injustice and beat it back with fire and blood, and that was great.
The continuity of that is where D & D (I beleive) were trying to take it all, but they forgot one uncomfortable thing.
When she overthrows the Khals, she rescues the men and women of the hoard and the vast number of peoples they enslave. When she overthrows the Masters of Pentos, she resuces the enslaved and downtrodden. When she overthrows the Salvers mutilating boys for their armies, she’s resucing future generations of boys from that fate. When she ‘overthrows’ Cersei, on the other hand, she rescues no one. She loses sight of doing it to protect the innocent and to help the down-trodden. Instead she roasts those very same innocent, frightened, downtrodden, terrified people of King’s Landing alive, and for what?
Power. Revenge.
There is a theme throughout her timeline that she defies those who look down on her and those who say no to her, and she does do ruthless things to the people who refuse to support her cause, but she was perceieved to temper it throughout those things as a champion for the weak because she herself had once been weak.
She loses sight of that when she faces Cersei. And in fairness, Cersei is a vicious cunt who deserverd far worse than was done to her throughout the series, but Dany lost it. The saying of the Targaryens being doomed to madness or greatness was supposed to fall on the line of greatness with her. Under her reign, I beleive Westeros could have been properous and happy. But D & D, just wanted to do a big scene with the dragon(s) I think.
And okay, yes, being traded to the Dothraki for their army and treated like a common whore by Viserys made her brittle, and losing Khal Drogo hurt her deeply. Losing Viserion to the Night King, and Rhaegal to something so stupid as a lance in broad daylight when the beast could literally have flown in any direction to dodge it was just dumb. That broke her, I think. To couple it with the ‘betrayal’ of Jon’s true origins and the threat he then posed to her rule, and then losing Missandei to Cersei’s bitchiness definitely pushed her over the edge, I think. All of these things would certainly have fucked with her mental health, and it’s not unreasonable to state that she could’ve slipped into madness.
Which I suppose, is the point, in the end, isn’t it? She becomes the very monster she slayed so many times for the sake of her people, and she acts in the ways she has always done when the people in between her and her throne won’t bend the knee, and give her what she wants. The only thing that changes is that she loses sight of who is an enemy, and who is just a helpless victim.
And I empthaize with that. The longer you spend as a survivor, the less you recall the days of only being a victim. The longer you spend rising above your trauma, the less patience you have for those wallowing in their own. It becomes easy to forget that those other victims are scared and helpless and suffering, when you want them or need them to be strong, and brave, and valiant. By the time Dany reaches King’s Landing, most of her army is destroyed. Two of three dragons dead, her lover a traitor (and her nephew, ewwww) her friend captured and killed, and so all of these things could and probably should have broken her again, like the crying, broken, helpless girl who let herself be sold for an army, and raped like a helpless female dog.
Throughout the series we watch her overcome the early trauma, and we watch the way she learns to solider on in the face of new traumas, too. They’re hurting. They’re like limbs being hacked off, I’d imagine, but she’s got to go on. She doesn’t have the luxury of breaking down in tears. She is Khaleesi. The Unburnt. The Breaker of Chains. She can’t just crumple. She’s got an army at her back relying on her strength and her guidance.
She’s toughened, maybe a little dead inside by the end after all she loses.
So she has no patience for those victims still in the early stages of their trauma journey. The small folk of King’s Landing know suffering under Cersei, but they’ve seen everyone else who stood up to the Lannisters decimated in one way or another. Ned, beheaded. Renly, slain. Robb, beheaded. Catelyn, slain. Stannis, slain. The Tyrells, murdered. All three of Cersei’s children were killed, too, but just like Dany, she soldiered on. When all the other contenders have fallen beneath the mighty paws of the Lannister tyranny, what indiciation did any of them have that Dany would be any different? What else could they do, but follow orders or be beaten to death? Die on the outside of the gates by the hand of people claiming they want to protect you, or follow orders and scurry inside, beleiving that once again, the Lannisters will be the victors?
But Dany didn’t consider any of that, because everyone else she liberated hadn’t lived through battle after battle, war after war, watching their oppressors win. The Unsullied knew only how to follow orders, and being sold to a new Master meant doing only what they were told. The enslaved rose up against the masters because before Dany, only individuals had tried to fight back, not entire armies. When you are downtrodden and someone says, “Hey, if we all rise up, we can win” and it’s the first time anyone has tried, you are filled with naive hope and courage.
But the people of King’s Landing aren’t naive and courageous. They’d seen 5 kings rise and fall at the feet of the Lannister Queen, 6 if you count King Robert. Already, many had tried to rise up and overthrow her, and already all had failed. A new queen riding in, even on the back of a dragon, wasn’t enough to rouse them from their hard-learned slavery and acceptance. No one else had won before, so better to avoid trying again. Dany’s lack of understanding for that scenario - her unwillingness to heed what Varys and Tyrion tried to tell her to educate her about the way things worked in Westerous compared to Braavos - is ultimately what made her the monster she died as.
She refused to recall that others weren’t as brave as her; weren’t as hard-hearted as her; and she refused to recognize that the people she sought to ‘free’ had already been ‘freed’ five times over, at least, and still their tyrant queen stood tall. Dany’s impatience and her anger got the better of her thanks to the suppressed agonies she endured, and her unwillingness to see reason and understand that this time, things had to be different, was ultimately why she jumped into the role of brutal overlord doomed to die.
I suppose, too, that when you flip the coin for madness or greatness, with only 2 Targaryens left on earth, you have to pick on, don’t you? Viserys was the mad one, and Dany the great one, but then Jon came along, and you flip it again, and to stay true to Jon’s nature throughout everything else, he must be the great one, so Dany has to be the mad one.
So I suppose, in answer to your question on my thoughts about Danerys, I’m... disappointed. She’s brave and brilliant and courageous in all she faces until excessive trauma makes her angry, makes her sloppy, and makes her foolish. She tries what she’s tried before and when it doesn’t work as it has every time before she throws a tantrum vile enough to end the world and to seal her fate, once and for all. I tolerated her until I liked her, and then I liked her until I didn’t. Now, I think of her as a tragic plot piece used, ultimately, to chart the course of valiant saviour to all right up until the Army of the Dead problem is resolved, a tool to batter down the walls without killing any more Starks in order to finally see Cersei dead once and for all, and then she’s tossed aside as being superfluous and in the way of the overall goal to see the Starks rise from the ashes of their destoryed family.
It’s hard to fathom in a tale with so many majoy players, but Jon Snow has always been the MAIN protagonist of the story; and everything else, including Dany, is all just circumstantial plot device to keep the story moving and to ultimately further Jon’s arc. That’s why he, alone, despite breaking every oath he took, and still trying to do what’s right, survives to the end, but gets no hero’s reward.
Based on what I know of G.R.R.M. from interviews he’s given and the overarching theme of this series as a whole, Dany’s end is fitting. You can’t stay a hero forever, you know? Eventually someone takes your hero’s crown or you become a tyrant to keep it, and someone else has to rise up and kill you, as you once rose up and slayed monsters, yourself. His whole schtick has always been that being a good person doesn’t mean you’ll get to live and doing the right thing for noble reasons will just get you killed sooner (Ned), but even those willing to do the wrong thing for the right reasons must pay their penance in the end.
After all, valar morghulis.
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Status update!
Hello! Alley here, finally!
You may have noticed I’ve vanished from the face of the earth lately. In case my terse and sporadic update posts aren’t enough to tell you why I’ve been so inaccessible, I think it’s about time I give you something to explain what I’ve been doing, and maybe even a promise to come back online sooner rather than later. (But it’s gonna get a little long, so I’m throwing this under a cut. I apologize to those of you who can’t see it.)
As most of you know, I’m in my last semester of college. More importantly, I’m so far along in said last semester that I literally just have to take one final a week from today—the day before graduation, actually—and then I’m home fucking free after five years of torment!!!
Anyway, the whole semester has been super busy, what with holding down an internship and three classes all required for graduation (and that pressure has been real). One of those classes was “Math and the Human Imagination”, which unsurprisingly involved analyzing imaginary numbers. I’m ashamed to admit that despite my favorite professor’s best efforts, the course did absolutely nothing to help my understanding of mathematics. Another of those classes was “Bollywood and Globalization”, which is the one in which I still have a final. I have hopes that I’ll do well, if only because I’ve enjoyed the course enough to pay attention.
The last class was my “Senior Synthesis”, which purports itself the crowning experience of a Liberal Studies major, in which you can basically do whatever the fuck you want as long as you can present it to the class in the form of a speech/slideshow, a poster, and an essay. Because there are roughly three things I care about, I chose one of them and had an unironically marvelous time drawing a bazillion connections between BTS’s Bangtan Universe and Hermann Hesse’s Demian. I was scheduled to present in the first possible week, in mid-April, and spent 24 total hours out of the weekend before pulling together my presentation (because I’m broken and think that’s fun—I’d have spent just as much time on it even if I hadn’t had to for the project). As part of it, I made a six-minute video you can watch here if you like, which showcases some of the specific connections I examined.
Speaking of BTS in conjunction with April, though, that brings me to their new album. And can I just say, holy shit. I still wasn’t over “Intro: Persona” by the time the whole thing dropped, so every time I listen to the album, I’m shook all over again to this day. Thanks to timezone shenanigans, my mother the ARMY had me wake her at 1:45am on April 12 so we could be awake for the festivities. We saw the “Boy with Luv” MV the moment it came out… and then proceeded to watch it with and without subs about five times. While that was going on, I bought Map of the Soul: Persona on iTunes the second it was available and burned a CD. After that, my mom suggested going out to a deserted parking lot and blasting it in the car so we could enjoy it at a decent volume, since we didn’t want to wake the neighbors. So we did, and let me tell you, hearing “Dionysus” for the first time at full volume in the dead of night can’t be beat. That whole adventure is a memory I’ll cherish forever.
There have been a lot of those lately, especially in conjunction with BTS, and this brings me to how absolutely insane this past week has been. I’d like to lead into last weekend by stating in no uncertain terms that I owe @lightningswrath my very life for managing to land us tickets to not one, but both BTS concerts at the Rose Bowl this past weekend. They were both indescribably beautiful, though the second one in particular was perfect—not least because I actually remembered to eat that day, so I was no longer trying to process overwhelming emotions on an empty stomach. However, the experience wasn’t as surreal as I expected; I did feel elevated, but also oddly grounded. Despite their awe-inspiring stage presence and sense of showmanship, the members are also so genuine as people that I couldn’t help but accept their presence in front of me.
(Incidentally, if you’re an ARMY and haven’t looked up Namjoon’s speech on 190505, please do; the man is a true sage and I feel incredibly honored to have heard such profound words in person. The only reason I didn’t record it myself was because I was so absorbed in the moment.)
Alas, every silver lining has its cloud. This past weekend has given me an unforgettable set of experiences in the best way, but I am most definitely suffering the consequences of not being able to do any schoolwork. We couldn’t leave until after my class a week ago, and we had to come back early enough on Monday that I could make it to my last math class and explain two chapters of a book I didn’t understand. On Tuesday, I had to attend the last day of my internship and then design and construct a poster, which I finished on Wednesday morning before completing a three-page evaluation of my math class—which was supposed to have been due on Monday, but I completely spaced it out—and then presenting my poster.
But That’s Not All. Yesterday, I wrote and turned in another three-page evaluation, this time of my internship, before immediately heading home to work on my synthesis essay, which was supposed to be 15 pages. Thankfully, I actually enjoy writing about all the crazy-detailed connections between BTS and Demian, but I still only finished it in the nick of time today (at a whopping 24 pages, not counting the works cited, because I can’t be brief when I’m busy being passionate) before heading to class. I had just gotten home from that when I started writing this post, and I’ll have to leave in another couple hours to go out dancing with some friends. After that, as mentioned, I only have one final left, and then I’ll have a degree in Liberal Studies with an English minor.
Which begs the question several people have already asked me: what next?
Thankfully, my internship has provided me with a ready answer, because they decided to ask me to come in as a paid part-timer over the summer! So I can at least tell people I’m going to be continuing my foray into the field of editing and publishing. But aside from career-related stuff, I also have a lot of things I’d like to do now that I won’t have academia weighing me down anymore. Enough that I can honestly make an entire list of… uh, goals? wishes? for the rest of the year:
Finish some of my ongoing fanfiction
Work on some of my original fiction
Find more time to write and post in general
Dance more often (and learn some BTS choreography)
Get into more K-pop (VAV, Monsta X, SHInee, etc.)
Help my mother sell stuff on eBay and pay back the $500 I owe her
Buy more BTS albums/merch and FFXV’s Episode Ardyn
Play and/or replay more video games, esp. otome
Plan my move up north with @chibitorra
Move all my stuff out of my dad’s house
Sort through everything I own and get rid of half of it
Pick up my Japanese studies again
Maybe start learning Korean???
Watch more Bollywood films
Read more Hesse, Jung, and Nietzsche
I also intend to resume some of my online activities and become more socially accessible again, but I doubt I will ever be as active or consistent in any fandoms as I once was, although I hope to compensate for this by writing more for them. Given that my former fever-pitch of online activity was born of a desire to escape reality, and by now I’ve finally found more of a place in the real world, this is most certainly for the best.
Anyway, that’s the tale of where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I’m headed next! I hope that gives you something to work with if you’ve been curious about what I’ve been up to. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope life has been kind to you too!
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As I mentioned earlier, I finished my Golden Deer playthrough of Fire Emblem: Three Houses today, and I have some complaints. Since the complaints are spoiler-heavy, I’m going to go ahead and put them under a cut.
My biggest complaint is something I’ve seen a lot of people talking about, but that I had hoped was an exaggeration, and that it’s that the Golden Deer route (and presumably the Blue Lions route) is so much longer than the Black Eagles route. (For those who don’t follow me, the Black Eagles Strike Force (a.k.a. Crimson Flower) route was my first playthrough.) This on its own wouldn’t be a problem, except the length feels somewhat artificial. Rather than needing more chapters to defeat the Empire and close what the story that Claude and Byleth had started from the beginning, the additional chapters are tacked on by way of a letter from Hubert telling Claude about Those Who Slither in the Dark, and then Zombie Nemesis rising from his grave and needing to be fought. And setting aside the utter ridiculousness of Zombie Nemesis and his Zombie Ten Heroes (as well as that Tron-looking city Those Who Slither in the Dark supposedly built with what I can only assume is the same technology that gave them actual missiles, none of fits with the otherwise medieval setting and is pretty ???), all I can say is . . . excuse me?
That should have been part of Edelgard’s story.
Like you have no idea how indignant I am about this. It’s not that I’m upset that Edelgard’s story was shorter (though yes, it would have been nice to have the same amount of chapters for her story as well). It’s that I’m upset that Those Who Slither in the Dark were directly combated in Claude’s story, when Claude had fuck all to do with them. The only tie he has to them is through Lysithea, who waited 5+ years to tell him or Byleth about what was done to her, and even then, Claude understandably treats it as a tidbit of interesting information, without a whole lot to go on from there. Claude doesn’t have any personal ties to Those Who Slither, he has no reason to care about them outside of, “oh, they might try to kill people maybe.” And even then, that only really pertains to Fodlan itself; Claude’s story was all about opening borders and letting other nations in, and almost doing away with the concept of individual countries altogether. Claude’s goals aren’t directly in line with Those Who Slither; he has no reason to know of them at all. The fact that he only found out about them because of an extremely tacked on post-mortem note from Hubert highlights that all the more.
But Edelgard does. These are the people who experimented on her as a child. These are the people who tortured her ten siblings to death right in front of her. These are the people her uncle is aligned with, the people who used her father, the people who she feels she has no choice but to work with, the people who murdered her love interest’s father, and so on and so forth. Those Who Slither are a prominent and present force in Edelgard’s route from the jump. And she makes it clear, time and again, that working with them makes her trauma rush to the forefront every time she has to see one of them and that she plans to take them all out once Fodlan is taken care of, which means that it would make the most sense for the army to move on to Shambhalla as soon as Rhea is taken care of on the Black Eagles route, rather than having that reduced to an epilogue.
But that doesn’t happen. Instead, we get a footnote saying that they took care of Those Who Slither in the epilogue, while it’s the Golden Deer who get to actually do the deed. This, despite the fact that the narrative had to twist itself into a pretzel and do something completely implausible to get that knowledge into Claude’s hands (because that note was out of character for Hubert for multiple reasons I won’t bother to get into now). Why this is the case, I don’t know. Part of me wonders if it was a time constraint, but this game had already been delayed once before, and in any case, that doesn’t explain why they didn’t put time into including Those Who Slither into the Black Eagles route to begin with, rather than putting them into Golden Deer first and then tacking on an epilogue note in the Golden Deer route. I’m hoping that perhaps the DLC chapters that have been promised will include a continuation of the Black Eagles route that lets you deal with Those Who Slither on that route, but at the same time it’ll be pretty terrible if we have to pay to get the resolution to that route that should have been included from the get-go.
All of that said, the lack of sense of not dealing with Those Who Slither on Edelgard’s route despite the fact that she was the one with the most reason to go after them isn’t even my only reason for being mad about it. I’m also mad about it because it would have been good for Edelgard to learn that while she was not wrong about Rhea needing to be taken down, she was wrong about what kind of person Nemesis was. I’m not taking everything Rhea said about Nemesis and the creation of the Heroes’ Relics in the Golden Deer route at face value, because Rhea lies a lot and can’t really be trusted. But it’s clear that Zombie Nemesis was not at all a good dude. At the end of the Black Eagles route, Edelgard still believes that Nemesis had his story warped by the Church of Seiros entirely and truly was a King of Liberation. If she was confronted with Zombie Nemesis, who only wanted to destroy and murder with impunity, she would have realized that no one on either side was completely trustworthy, that there were wrongs on both sides, that Nemesis wasn’t actually a hero and neither were the other Heroes that the Church and nobility pretended were great all along (the latter of which she would have no problem with since she wanted to dismantle the nobility anyway). It would have been additional great development for her, but she never got it because the story was cut short. (And before anyone argues, “But Byleth couldn’t take on Nemesis without the Sword of the Creator, which she can’t use anymore after killing Rhea because the Crest Stone vanished from her heart,” remember that the entire point of taking down Rhea was that humanity could stand on their own and did not need deities---or the power of deities---leading them around like puppets or tools to be used. Byleth taking on Nemesis without the goddess’ power and winning anyway because she has Edelgard’s support would have fit with the theme of the entire route and would have been a far more fitting end, not the least of which because it would have shown Nemesis that his murder of Sothis and her children to gain more power was completely pointless.)
So anyway, as you can tell, I really hate how Those Who Slither were taken out “in person,” so to speak, on the Golden Deer route rather than the Black Eagles route. It made absolutely no sense and leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. That aside, I really hate how pro-Church and pro-Rhea Byleth was forced to be in this route (as discussed here), and I also really hated how Edelgard’s death scene was handled in this route, too.
Setting aside the fact that it feels kind of forced that the three House Leaders can’t come to work together post-timeskip (at least in the case of Edelgard and Claude; Claude refuses to join the Black Eagle Strike Force if spared for vaguely defined reasons, and while I get that Edelgard is stubborn, she herself says that she knows that her goals are very similar to Claude’s, so like ??? her refusal to team up was very forced), I really, really dislike how angry they made Byleth look during the animated cutscene where Edelgard dies. Don’t get me wrong, Edelgard’s speech was completely heartbreaking, and it’s clear to me that she has feelings for Byleth on that route as well. The fact that she’s pushing Byleth to kill her, not in an angry way, but in a “do this, it’s what’s best for you” kind of way just absolutely ruins me. But Byleth is glaring at her through it all, especially at the end, and to kill her before she’s even finished speaking? What the fuck, honestly. I know I’m biased as an Edeleth shipper, but my feelings do come through as I’m playing a silent protagonist, but they didn’t in this case. I didn’t agree with Byleth’s expression or emotion there one bit, just as I didn’t agree with all the “OMG MUST SAVE RHEA” that I was forced to pretend I wanted to say leading up to that. I think the writing there was sloppily handled, and that the player’s actual feelings toward the characters wasn’t well accounted for at all. (This isn’t even mentioning the fact that I refused to attack Edelgard with Byleth in the first place, and instead attacked her with Claude, so to see Byleth deliver the killing blow anyway . . . god, I really hated it.)
All in all, considering all of the above and the fact that there are only three students (Claude, Hilda, and Lysithea) in the Golden Deer House that I actually like, and one (Marianne) that I think is okay, while the rest can just go chill in the trash bin for all I care, it’s safe to say I won’t be touching this route again. I’ll dearly miss Claude and Hilda (gonna recruit Lysithea first thing so I won’t have to miss her), but it’ll be worth it not to have to sit through that nonsense again, for real.
At least the Crimson Flower (Black Eagle Strike Force) route is still almost perfect.
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15/06/19 - 3:08am
i wanna try replicate my mind yesterday when i was doing the dishes at 10pm because it was really racing lmao
as mentioned prior, dan’s video on his sexuality really made thoughts that already swarm my mind way louder than usual, paired with the empty shelf that’s been left empty in my mindscape that had once been FILLED with a-level knowledge and stress. it’s now home to a bunch of loud questions about my identity, ranging from my nationality, religion, where i belong (maybe i’ll rant about that some other day, but i’ve made it vocal to people before) to my sexuality.
i’m not sure if this was a ‘realisation’ of sorts but a couple months ago on a walk home from school, i remember declaring
‘if i was white, i would have probably come out as bisexual a long time ago’
and yeah i still believe that, 100%!
because despite my coconut-exterior that i seem to project (i hate it, i hate it, i hate it, i feel devalued), i am brown: i do still have asian-indian parents that wouldn’t be thrilled about their son or daughter claiming they’re gay (i say ‘claiming’ because that’s what it would be to them. i know it. ‘such a typical claim in this weird society. bound to happen, it’s a trend these days’, etc.)
i remember asking my mum what she thought about the lgbt, and if i remember correctly, she didn’t mind it, but didn’t want it in her family or ‘circle’.
now i ain’t criticising my parents. many would, but i really can’t. because they were born in a different generation, in a different time where the lgbt community wasn’t exactly as prominent as it is today.
but good god. one day an advert for that reality tv show, ‘the bi life’ i think its called, popped onto the tv, and my dad was all
‘what the hell is this? … freakshow’ (he muttered)
AND I FELT? HURT? no, ‘hurt’ is a strong word. just a bit… prodded at?
and i still can’t decide the reason. was it because i was wondering where i should draw the line with my dad’s remarks towards the lgbt community? i’ve always had this internal debate with myself about whether i’m sort of ‘silencing’ my dad by taking a stand in issues he doesn’t really believe in (primarily the lgbt community, he’s cool with feminism… to an extent lol). he always has a shout about how people can only say what they’re really thinking behind closed doors. would i be taking this away from him? where can i really draw the line in this whole counter-argument of my parents simply being born in another generation? i mean, sure, they aren’t hurting anyone outside (i really hope), but his comments do affect me.
that’s reason 1 i felt a bit disorientated. society’s a bit mad with labels, and i couldn’t find it in me to label my parents a pair of homophobes. BUT AT THE SAME TIME THERE ARE ADULTS THEIR AGE THAT ARE WAY MORE ACCEPTI- i need to stop before i get trapped in this circular argument that i’ve had 19218839 times with myself before - this is already so much longer than i thought it’d be lmfao.
reason 2?
and here’s where i feel fake and dumb.
something in me resonates with bisexuality.
JESUS, my hands TINGLED and my FACE tingled and it’s starting to heat up right now because i never, ever, ever got that in words, let alone WRITING. because that would make it a real, concrete argument. and maybe
no i dont think so elina, stop right theeree duedddeee
i dont know.
i dont know.
sigh.
i dont.
know.
referring back to ‘if i was white, i would have probably come out as bisexual a long time ago’, i know that i would have come out as bisexual if i was white because i feel they have way less to consider when doing so. that’s not to assume that all white people have caring, understanding and liberal parents (but let’s face it dude, white parents are more likely to come around to the idea and other ideas in today’s society that rigid, asian parents would not. might just research into that, lol). a white girl can and will marry a girl if they feel like it, and that’s amazing, that’s so good, that’s so cool that they don’t have maybe other questions that halt this process like:
- okay but HOW willing am i to marry a woman?
- how plausible is a relationship with a girl?
cause, ladies and gents and everything in between, these questions are always pinned under ‘what percentage of me would be with a man rather than a woman’ because fucking damn it, weddings are MAN an d WOMAN AND BITCH IF I AM WHAT IM SCARED TO BE WHAT IF MY HEART LEADS ME TO A WOMAN AND NOT A MAN. think of all the disappointment. white families aren’t as extended as asian families - the news would spread like a vicious wildfire. the prospect of bisexuality for an asian person or a person of colour generally is always pinned with this disgusting, self-denying statement that they really don’t want to think:
‘even if i am, there’s like a bigger chance i’ll marry a man so it doesn’t really matter, right?’
that bigger chance will forever stem from these expectations set by their families, i think.
and it’s always that question that makes them think ‘WELL shit i guess i aint then considering i practically negotiated my sexuality: u cant do that rookie, sexuality is SET IN STONE, so there’s no way you’re that sexuality. you’re only saying it because it’s a thing in society to be.’
it’s just why i dont believe in labels in general, and i love dan’s video so much for dedicated a section towards the matter. sexuality to me is fluid. the only thing that kind of makes it concrete are those labels. labels are great for some people: it gives them a name, a sense of normality in such a heteronormative society. but there’s a negative in that no one can simply just.
be.
i wanna.
i dont wanna really.
sigh, am i just trying to align myself with society today? this label-filled society where your worth comes from how many labels you have slapped onto your blazer? it’s like those little patches those sporty, intelligent girls got in assemblies for being leader of the netball team or for excelling in ‘resilience’ or whatever that heck that means. those patches, except they have ones for
‘brown’ +1 point!
‘female’ +1 point!
‘sexually-confused’ +1 point! unless u think ur str***ht, in which case -2 points!
where was i going with this AGH my brain isn’t being cohesive it’s just spitting shit everywhere.
another thing that makes me deny it all is my friend. let’s call her peach: she’s brown, muslim, pakistani, has very strict parents, but is still happy to identify as ‘gay’ to the world, and that’s amazing. but it sort of makes me wonder why i haven’t done that yet = thus suggesting ‘yeah im not REALLY, i would’ve felt it like she did in year 8, felt more passion for it - and i dont even have parents as strict as hers, so i can’t be!’ but her sexuality has also been generally fluid: she’s dating a guy at the moment, and has practically abandoned labels for the time being. goals lol.
what the fuk am i saying oh my goddddddd i can’t even make sense of it because i feel like im being super insensitive towards white people sigh forget it im going to bed, maybe i’ll string together something that makes bloody SENSE. its 3am egghj.
EDIT: I POSTED THIS ON RREI-CHAN AFHIAFAHIFA it wasn’t up for long, could’ve been so much worse, could’ve been on ryuga-zuki
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