While reading the relic story for Fleet of the Ageless, I ran into some mention of the "Three Sufferings":

Yet, just like the shifting of the sun and moon, what once prospered was fated to decline and what once brought elation must eventually induce agony. It was not until the arrival of the Three Sufferings, when people were tormented to near extinction, that the Xianzhou people finally came to understand the true nature of this so-called miracle, which was nothing but harrowing calamity. (The Xianzhou Luofu's Celestial Ark)

And I'm not really sure if they mention it elsewhere on the Luofu (I'm very slowly going through everything. Except I keep getting sucked into reading Belobog stuff >_>), but what it did make me think about however is that in Buddhism, there is something called the "three marks of existence", which refers to the three sources of suffering in the world. So I wanted to mostly write this up as a comparison between what's going on in the Luofu vs. Buddhist belief! (And a very big warning: I might be skimming over important details about the religion. I was born into a culture that is very heavily influenced by Buddhism and have grown up with some understanding of it while having to study it on my own, so I'm sure I'll get a lot of details wrong. So if I get anything wrong, you're always welcome to chime in!)

At least in my memory, I remembered that there was a suffering because of attachment to objects, to self, and to others -- all with the concept that all things do not last, so I had to search up these names properly.

anicca (impermanence): This is the core concept in which nothing lasts in this world. The inability to recognize the impermanence of life will then lead to grief -- suffering -- that humans face, as a result. You can actually see this with the Sanctus Medicus's desire for eternal life with Dan Shu who grieved the loss of her friend Yufei via the diaries that you could pick up

It's this idea of attachment to something bound to end some way or another that will inevitably lead to suffering/pain when that loss comes.

dukkha (suffering): The idea behind this mark is that the truth is that life cannot be satisfied. If there isn't suffering, there are moments of joy, but as all things in life, even the joy is brief.

I wouldn't exactly be able to pinpoint how this gets carried out on the Luofu. I would have said something about how the Luofu had once sought out eternal life which then led to the implanting of the Ambrosial Arbor by Yaoshi, but now are unsatisfied by their gift of eternal life to them. I could also say that at least with the longer lives that the Xianzhou natives have, they eventually lose interest in life itself because they've had the chance to sought out anything they could with their many years, which is better described in Yukong's third character story:

and for the final mark of existence: anatta (not self): If suffering comes from attachment, then an attachment to an image of one's self too can lead to a source of suffering. With time, everyone is bound to change and grow, so any attempts in trying to hold onto one specific image could lead to a source of pain.

I think the best way to display this concept is actually through Yaoshi's acts and why the Alliance condemns them and their "abominations" (themselves included :'D). To rid of the suffering that comes with death, Yaoshi hopes to grant the gift of eternal life, but it seems that coming back from the dead doesn't mean returning to one's old self, which I feel can be seen at least with Blade's case with his revival and no longer being Yingxing. These undead are what the Alliance hopes to get rid of. I think it can also be seen through Bailu's story quest with the girl who slowly becomes marastruck who panics the moment the armor and her skin becomes melded into each other, no longer able to retain her former image before meeting and reuniting with her lover, in which case the idea of "self" is an attachment to a physical form rather than something more abstract instead, and that leading to her own suffering in the end.

I'm sure that a lot of Hoyo's writing with weaving in Buddhism with the Luofu lore isn't coincidental (looks at Dan Heng) , and I'm sure that there's bound to be better show of each of these principles, but I think this is what Hoyo might be referring to when they write about the "Three Sufferings" in the relic. Maybe I'll come back to this post later if I find better evidence BUT I thought worth noting at least for now :) ty for reading if you made it this far

hii i wasnt sure who to send this to but qsmp's been coming up on my dash for the better part of a year and ive finally cracked. do you have any recommendations for a total beginner? like is there a playlist i can watch to catch up or can i just start watching wherever? do you have any particular streamer recommendations? love the yuri grind + i appreciate any help you can give^___^

OKIE DOKE SO: first of all the official qsmp recaps i would say are your best friend. this is relatively short.

HONESTLY i think people should just jump in cold turkey and pick a streamer they seem somewhat entertained by and watch their most recent vod. or skip around in it. or watch clip comps

HOWEVER in terms of trying to catch up on All The Lore of a guy you should maybe look at the most recent qsmp member additions (tubbo willyrex nihachu rivers_gg ironmouse carreraaa bagi german germandia lenay polispol tinakitten) and try to look at their most recent story stuff. i think quite literally none of them knew the lore of the server excluding tina meeting leonarda before joining. so their additions are new blank slates to start from!!

qsmp has 4 language groups though (spanish english french and brazilian portuguese) and for the most part the most a lot of lore ends up really intertwined between the members of each language group so if you look into one of them you end up picking up a lot on the other members as well

ANYWAY personally i would recommend etoiles if you like more relaxed/quite streams (& winners povs. Lol) because My Streamer etc. otherwise i also really recommend looking into Slimecicle since he streams very little and has a vod archive and he ends up really involved in a lot of qsmp intense lore moments (but not All of them). his streams also end up shorter (love bbh but i cant in good conscious recommend someone start there. 8 hour streams for 4 months is... a Lot. but i recommend checking in on bbh streams whenever he's live because his ass is always up to Something. Same to foolish if you prefer builder povs. cellbit is also good if you like more intense theory guys like that.) if you want my recommendations for the new group to start with though i recommend tina or tubbo or bagi. all three of them are little crackerjacks and have a lot going on in a very short amount of time that i find fun to watch.

also don't worry if you don't Know every single thing thats happened i can barely keep track of some earlier events because So much has happened on the server since it's started. same to literally every other qsmp fan like everyone here likes explaining about their cubito and rambling because its mcytblr we have autism here. if someone makes fun of you for not knowing every single thing theyre a douche remember the server is for fun and a lot of the series is comedy based in the first place (though still heavy on lore). just try to find a streamer who makes you laugh to watch

if anyone else wants to add on feel free to o/

Bedrock bros drawing based on this stock photo provided by @epicaxolotls

Alt versions + closeup + talking a LOT under cut about this drawing <3

^ this is technicly the original version, but i really liked the tinted effect i slapped on last minute so thats the one im putting above the cut.

v Crashed my drawing app when doing these effects, it was so worth it look its shiny. Im a simple man i see shiny i eat my own art

v Closeups!!!

The rambling is lightly edited from me blabbing about this drawing in a discord server, so if it's very 'steam of conscious' it is because i was literally texting these thoughts

Okay so the BRAIDS. The braids in it are IMPORTANT okay they are they are

The designs aren't timeline consistent, because i was doing the drawing for me and also @epicaxolotls and both of us solely care about the fact there is bedrock bros and nothing else. So the white in Tommy's hair (THE PART THAT'S BRAIDED!!!) is from being revived.

But Techno doesn't have a braid in his hair, only Tommy. The Blade is a weapon, not something to be cherished and cared for and loved. Braids as a form of love, braid as a love language i will not take criticism because I'm so correct about this. The white in Tommy's hair being the part that's braided, also, that's surely something isn't it that's something that is SOMETHING.

Techno braiding the white part in Tommy's hair, it will still be in the corner of his eye but it will be wrapped in love. It will have bedrock dangling from it. The bedrock is on Tommy's braid because it is a symbol between the two of them, it's something gentle but strong held up by string and neither of them will let the string snap. They won't let is snap.

Techno's bedrock is on his sword - it's on his method of violence, the method of violence Tommy is CALLING ON!!! The violence Tommy is COUNTING ON the violence he is using to protect himself. The sword is made of marble (because it looks cool but ALSO--) Techno's violence is a PROMISE it is a swear an oath from a blood god who will not break it.

No matter what, Techno will be the blade he needs to be. He is as much of a weapon as the tool in his hand.

No matter what. He scars and bleed cold, before he even makes the first swing the sword is covered in gold it is dripping it is his

The words 'BLADE' is intertwined with his sword, the word is golden and blends into it

Mentioning this now, but the only colours in the drawing (if i don't count the effects i did that was just me having some fun with it and crashing my drawing app) is only two colours, red and gold. Tommy's bruises are a shade of magenta, the grey is a desaturated red, the whites are just a very light shade of red

It's something i thought a lot about while drawing so i did want to mention it in more detail than just the id

ALSO. Tommy is wearing Techno's crown, and Tommy is also pretty much in the position a crown would be on Techno's head (if you squint a bit)

He's also holding onto Techno's ear - I didn't draw it very well, but he is, he's using Techno for stability, pushing against him with his foot to stay upright. And Techno is something solid for Tommy to dig his nails into, he is solid and he can and will be stability.

Tommy is just another voice in techno's ear, screaming blood for the blood god

And Tommy's pupils are just pinpricks, he isn't in control and he isn't calm. He's bruised and bloody, he is clinging onto the first thing he sees and trusts that it wont topple over. Tommy trusts because that is the only thing he can do, the only thing he can ever do. He's angry he's clinging on with his nails and teeth and blood but he is trusting.

NOW IM GONNA TALK ABOUT COLOURS AND THE COLOURS I USED BECAUSE :D!!!

Techno has dark red colours - Very dark, dark as in the colour of a lot of blood. A river flowing with blood would be near black and that is what Techno is. He is an endless stream of bloodshed he is an endless steam of violence because that is all he is. That is all he is, in this moment, at least, but this moment is all that matters right now. Right now, he is the blood god and he is the blade. He's a sword about to be stained and constantly being sharpened because he needs to be.

He NEEDS to be blood and he's ALWAYS been blood and he doesn't ENJOY being blood, no, he walked away from everyone to avoid it but for tommy!! He'll be that for Tommy because Tommy NEEDS him to be (<- that paragraph is from Epic but it was very accurate)

BUt ALSO Techno has light colours too. Not as obvious as Tommy's light colours (his shirt, his shoes, his hair) but it is still THERE. It's just hidden. The white, not stained (protected) in the inside of his cape near to his heart. Because Techno's heart is gentle but he has to fight to keep it like that, the outside of his heart (heart=cape just go with it this is the metaphor I'm going with it doesn't make sense but also shhh sure it does) is DARK it is VIOLENT

Inside his heart (cape. again. silly metaphor but its fine) he is the Blade - the letters reveal themselves with his cape blowing in his wind

I dont know what any of these words mean but maybe they mean something idk :D

ONTO TOMMY'S COLOURS v

hehe okay sooo Tommy has lighter red. Still very clearly red, but the cape he has is an imitation of Techno and it isn't nearly as stained. His cape doesn't hide anything, it doesn't hide him, its short and also the lightest obviously-red colour there is in the drawing. On him is also the only actual depiction of red blood and fresh injuries. He is BRUISED his pants are ripped and at the edges there is still-fresh blood. He's wiped the blood off of him he tried. but all he did was spread it from his nose to his knuckles. He is not violent but this makes him look violent, and it wasn't on purpose. Dripping from his head is blood, again, and all of it is his. He has a fresh bruise around his eye and the only bandage to the dripping blood from his head is Techno's crown. That is the closest thing to care he has right now - later, he will get bandages, but to him care is a symbol of blood. To him, care is Technoblade's sword and he doesn't view the bedrock around his braid as gentle in anyway, he views it as a rock that is special and the string is weak but it wont break because Techno tied it there, and that means it won't break. It means it can't break.

On Tommy is Techno's crown. Because Techno views him as an equal and is letting Tommy command him in this battle, because this is Tommy's fight. This is Tommy's fight, and Techno gives him his crown with trust on his gold-scarred hands and care and a promise that he will be there and fighting by his side. He believes in him, not because he needs to but because he does. He holds him steady because he just does and he acts as a weapon because that is what he does.

Ight that's all :) If anyone reads this far they have my hand in marriage and whatnot, adding tags then hitting post without rereading <3

A Very Long, Personal [but positive] Ramble about Neurodivgerency and Character Hyperfixation

[u can ignore this if you want this is just an ADHD ramble - this is a kinda 'mask off' talk about ADHD, autism and my personal history with it all. I also talk about the upsides and downsides - and the importance of Hobie to me personally - I just wanna normalize this stuff lol]

a.k.a The story of how I sent from obsessing over him to HIM in 10 years (what a glowup on my part ik)

(I know a lot of peeps on here can feel self-conscious about being neurodivergent and character connection or whatever you wanna call it and so do I! So I wanted to write it out or just ramble for my own sake)

I don't know if it's obvious or not, but I LOVE HOBIE BROWN. I'm going to be completely candid - I think about him maybe 85 percent of the day if not more, and that's in no way an exaggeration.

No matter what I'm doing, there's a least one tab open in my brain thinking about him. It may not be the focus, but it's there.

That's just how I operate. And I've been this way for a LONG time. In fact, Hobie isn't my first 'total focus' character in Marvel.

I gain VERY deep hyperfixations on Marvel Characters, many lasting years. And there's nothing wrong with that - in fact it's rad!

!!!! ATTENTION: This is a whimsical care-free zone. For Happy Funny Folk !!!!!!!!!

Loki - My introduction to hyperfixation with characters

I don't know if this is surprising or you'd be like 'yeah u seem like the type' but I use to LOVE Loki. For YEARS.

I'm AuDHD and when I was 13/14, a freshman in HS, he was my hyperfixation. Eerything I do for Hobie, I did for Loki. I even had a Loki blog for like 3/4 years.

This was back in 2012-2013, when Avengers had just came out, and the MCU wasn't - well, the MCU yet.

But even back then, the Loki fandom was HUGE. I have no idea who was also on Tumblr back then but it was gigantic. Because movies weren't coming out every 3 months, it went on for yearrrrsssss. Art, edits, fics, everything.

I was soooo into, I loved Loki. Like Hobie, I probably thought about Loki maybe 85-90% of the day.

And sure I was doing a lot of other stuff but in the back of my head there was always the oc x canon storyline running in my head, or replaying scenes from memory and analyzing, or wondering and speculating about his character.

I mask very minimally or not at all - so everyone in my school knew me for it. And at the time I didn't know I was neurodivergent, but that didn't stop me - I was genuinely proud of it.

I wore Loki shirts to school and brought the Avengers DVD the day it dropped (this was back before streaming in ye' old 2013). I knew the Avengers movie back to front.

I saw Thor: The Dark World the day it released and SOBBED openly in the theater when he 'died'. (I remember my mom leaning over and whispering 'Do you wanna leave?' cause I seemed that upset lol)

And everyday I use to wear a necklace like this -

(credit IJSY on Etsy)

But in black, until one day I had it in my pocket and I sat on it in class and broke it in two. And people around me deadass were like 'daammnn I know that shit hurt in ur soul' cause I LOVED Loki and people knew it. And I didn't care if they did.

And I was like that for years. Overtime the Loki fandom fizzled out, especially around Phase 2 when things like GOTG first came out.

But I had a Loki fixation like maybe up until the show came out. And even then I've seen the whole thing (I ain't even like it that much 4.5/10) and I'm gonna watch the second one (I'm a fool)

But any way like to this day I still remember the first time I saw Loki and how it made me feel and I can like picture it in my head and I consider it a pretty influencial albeit mundane moment in my life.

And it was a very specific feeling but it was like as soon as I saw Loki's first scene in Avengers, I was plugged into the screen.

Other Hyperfixations - Charles Xavier, Peter Parker

All of my hyperfixations are on men in marvel and they have always been. There's been others I've cycled through, usually based on the newest movie. I even went through a LENGTHY and very in depth K-pop era (don't get me started).

Charles Xavier was a favorite of mine (from X-Men First Class), and I LOVE MCU Peter Parker. I still do. But none hit like Loki did.

There was never THAT feeling, like the fantastical electric feeling.

And I had never felt that feeling again UNTIL I SAW HOBIE (i wanna cry)

My fixation with HOBIE BROWN HOBIE BROWN HOBIE BROWN (sorry I can't say his name only one time im too excited)

In the theatre my jaw genuinely dropped like I'm pretty sure I said 'OH NAH' to myself when i first saw him

Cause he was the prettiest character I've ever seen and I mean that

I didn't recognize what that feeling was until just now like YES, it's the same feeling. And I can't even describe it.

It's like every other character is normal but as soon as you lay eyes on this character for the first time it's like suddenly they're under your skin and curled up in your heart and you can FEEL them and the weight of them PHYSICALLY like not body wise but like astral personhood wise (do I sound unhinged)

And Hobie was just so pretty.

First of all - I didn't know he was black fgsbtgtuiuigs id never heard of spiderpunk

The wicks were what caught me off guard first. I know what wicks are, I've seen them before. But never animated.

And although Miles and Gwen and Pavi all look realistic - Hobie looked real to me. The high cheekbones and broad lips, the raised brow ridge and wide set eyes - he looked different from them, not just in art style but like - I DONT KNOW.

But that's how it is, you know what I mean. There was just something in my brain that was like 'he has meaning to me'. Like 'Idk who this man is, but whatever story he's writing, I'm reading it'.

That's what hyperfixation feels like.

And Hobie in specific held and holds so much more weight for me IN ADDITION.

I started falling out of my Loki phase around Thor: Ragnorok in 2017 - which is to say I was varying degrees of 'obsessed' with Loki for about 5 years.

Around that time, maybe starting in 2015, police brutality in NYC picked up. Me and my friends started getting more radicalized, going to protests, and identifying as communists, anarchists, or both.

One of my favorite things at the time was The Black Panther Party handbook I'd found at a second hand-book store. And for a while the Black Panther Party was a special interest of mine.

It made me really interested in the 70's, the civil rights movement, and the rise of punk that happened at the same time. Around this time, I made my first 'battle jacket' with a patch that said "Black Lives Matter, Bitch." and begged my parents for a pair of doc martens.

I didn't have Hobie back then, but I have him now. And he still resonates.

There was very much a time where I was that homeless, punk teen, angry at police, who wanted to be taken in by my favorite heros.

My admiration for Hobie comes from like - everything he is. Everything he stands for and represents. I don't need Hobie like I would've as a teen. But I know deep down the healing he could bring other people as a comfort character.

Or even in terms of a good political example, or great rep for alt black people. All of it.

That can't really be said for Loki. Or Charles Xavier (even if X-men is a race allegory), or even Peter Parker.

I grew up in NYC all my life, and I LOVE Spider-man, but I never felt Connected to Peter Parker as if we lived in the same city. I never felt something in common with Peter even if he was broke too.

Hobie's just different, y'know.

The Downsides

It's easy to feel really embarrassed by all this - and even now I'm feeling shy even describing how it feels.

Cringe culture gets in your head before you know it. I'm CONSTANTLY telling myself 'no, Hobie would understand that you're neurodivergent and this is you expressing yourself he wouldn't think youre cringe youre not cringe okay' As if my comfort character Hobie Brown thinking I'm cringe is like jksjfkjf the worst thing ever - i can't, i can't with myself.

I genuinely want to hug Hobie more than I want to huge most celebrities or influential real-life people.

I genuinely think hugging him would be more healing to my being than hugging the Pope or the Dhali Lama or something. I admire him and care about him but he's NOT REAL. It's PARASOCIAL And like duh, I know that - i'm grown as fuck.

Sometimes it can genuinely get you down that you care about this character-person and you can't be with them

It's like you miss them. But they're not real and you don't know them. And I know that sounds tragic or bizarre. But it's kinda just weird. It feels weird not in a sad way, but in a 'why brain?? why is this possible in my brain?? huh???' way.

Like...I know it's parasocial, but like it's not like a fan and a youtuber. He's not real, I'm not giving him money or hurting anyone. I know there's nothing to be ashamed of, but it's just WEIRD.

Like... I know my cat isn't a person and mentally I don't see them as a person and can't like analyze them like a full formed person even if I wanted to. But with Hobie - someone who is not a person - my brain can???? Like I've never met him but like... I can imagine a full conversation with him beginning to end in his place of residence I've also never seen before??????? SO WEIRD.

Also theres that thing of him running in the back of my head 85% of the time.

Even if I'm talking or cooking or something, I'm still daydreaming about him - I have ADHD. And during those times if i'm interrupted and someone give me a THIRD thing to do (besides thing 1 and thinking about Hobie) I get irritated. Because now I have less brain room for Hobie stuff.

The Upsides

Now reading all of this you might be like 'sib this sounds like nothing but a problem r u okay' but I PROMISE ITS REAL FUN SOMETIMES

And it's nothing to feel ashamed of!

Now the last part was just a list of downsides, but the upsides are more things I can do because of my hyperfixation on Hobie that makes me happy

Like I said, I daydream a LOT. Like a LOT.

Mainly with OCs You can probably tell how much I like OCs, and how much OCs - even others', mean to me. And usually, my OCs are the ones who I see the in-media universe through. I don't have to think about making an OC much, for me personally they come fully formed. Because of this, while I'm watching movies I begin to have involuntary daydreams of where I can add in an OC, or what they'd be doing. I typically only do this for Marvel though. Hardly DC or any other media other than maybe Batman. For Loki, it was a character named Asdisira Heimdaldottir who I shipped with him. And for Hobie it's Diane Pastors (Disco-Spider).

And although I am in completely control of what these daydreams are, they are vividly realistic, and can come on at different times.

For me, it's while listening to music mostly. But anything can trigger it - from a good text post, to hearing a phrase. And these daydreams are extremely vivid. Most times, you can visibly see when I'm doing it. My eyes will glaze over or start moving as if I'm trying to remember something. Sometimes I may say 'random' phrases. I say lines from the scene I'm in outloud. (Like saying 'How could you!' in an offended tone to myself, if that's what the character in the daydream is saying). I also make facial expressions. I can do it on purpose, like hitting play on a movie and resuming where I left off. Usually, when I do this, I close my eyes. I much prefer to sit and do it without multitasking, but I often do it while doing something else.

These daydreams connect, and arcs/storylines can go on for months/years.

Usually these stories go on for months in IRL time, and span the whole history of the character. For Loki, I probably has Asdisira for 4 years at most. Which is still a LONG time. These arcs can take different pathways, and I may imagine a scene multiple times - in different ways, but usuall the timeline of the oc x canon stays overall the same. Sadly, I almost never write these down. I would pull my hair out and theres not enough time in the world for me to write Diane and Hobie's full narrative down in detail that does it justice. I wanna make a bullet list of their narrative but i dont wanna clog dashes

I can genuinely use them as a comfort character.

I don't need this much now, and nowhere as much as I needed it in high school, but having the ability to daydream vividly at will about a character you feel safe and happy with - it's dope. Sometimes it really helps. There were a lot of times I imagined Loki comforting me or showing me kindness or helping me calm down. And sometimes you can do it just for fun. Like, as a treat. Whenever. I'm imagining Diane and Hobie at a fish n' chip shop right now. It's drizzling outside and it smells like oil and Hobie douses his chips in wayyy to much vinegar. It's like I'm there. Like...I just do that. thats rad as hell. (and I don't know how to describe it if you can't do it but hopefully others know how it is but it's VIVID, like wayyyy more than any dream.)

Literally a walking fact book about them.

I'm smug AS FUCK. I use to love when dudes in high school challenged me about the MCU cause I wore a shirt. Like, oh buddy. Oh pal. Just you fucking wait. I know this character better than you know your own mother - try me hoe. I love reading characters like a book and rewatching scenes, breaking down motives, watching their movements, looking for patterns and drawing connections to real world history, cultures, or psychology. I LOVE watching behavior and personality in the movies, and making conclusions about where they'd come from, reasonably, for the character, and how it affects them outside the scope of the film.

And most of all - It's Free Joy we're almost at the end I promise

This is long as all hell and unlike my other posts there really isn't a neat little character study but uhhh I wanna end with this I guess -

The best part of it, is it's free joy. Literally.

My brain can do something a lot of others can't. I can feel a kind a comfort and understanding with a character, I can entertain myself and come up with amazing stories that have mean to me.

I can make wonderful worlds and all that without lifting a finger, and hangout with my favorite characters just by going

(literally how i be sitting there - professor x headass)

I hoping the fucking multiverse with my mind.

But there's nothing cringe about that. And there's nothing cringe about drawing Hobie for hours on end, by himself or with an oc. There's nothing cringe about thinking about them a lot, or wanting to buy or make a lot of merch.

We aren't hurting anyone. It's not like a celebrity or a youtuber. Nothing we're doing is taboo or anything we're literally just being happy. And squealing about a character we deeply love

Like..Golly if more mfers in this world were squealing like us once a week maybe they'd be happier, you know what I mean. People be walking around mad as hell at the world...like why don't you look at this picture of Hobie and calm down? That's what makes me calm down.

__________________________________________________

Anyway uh this is LONG and not connected much to ATSV but if you read down this low THANK YOU so deeply it means a lot. If you relate to this at all I'd love to hear.

And if you think I'm unhinged. Absolutely. But that has nothing to do with this and ain't nothing wrong about it, in the words of megan the stallion... 'ah'.

I leave you with this pic of Hobie goodbye :)

im using my magic autism powers to hold his hand :) now im giving him a hug im having fun

Day 5 - Child of Blessing

Let me try and set the scene, I did not watch TriStamp as it was airing, though it was on my radar since I kept seeing posts about it on here. It caught my attention, but I was already preoccupied with another show last winter, so I told myself "later." When I finally had a break over the summer, it was the first show I sat down with, then it became the fastest show I've binged (essentially in a night). I watched it first in sub, then again like a week later in dub because I could not stop thinking about it!

There are so many scenes, moments, reveals, etc. I could list off the top of my head that blew me away and left my jaw on the floor. But after that first watch, one episode, or rather, one scene kept coming back to mind: episode 5, "Child of Blessing" (specifically its ending)

I wanted to share today the thoughts I wrote down not too long after my first watch as I figured out potentially why that scene stuck out to me so much. I wrote it stream of conscious, so please forgive the rambling and minimal editing. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

As I was (re)watching Trigun Stampede, looking back on it, there is one scene in particular that really stands out to me and leaves me with that lingering thought of “oh damn, this is so hauntingly beautiful.” The episodes discussing Vash and also Wolfwood’s past are just incredible, and I even saw one article argue that the first episode focused on Wolfwood’s past might have been the best episode of the winter ‘23 anime season, which I totally understand and would defend. However, interestingly, as I continuously (or perhaps religiously is the better term) listen to the Trigun Stampede soundtrack and have gone back a few times to rewatch this show, it’s the ending for episode 5 that really just makes me sit there and stare, thinking about all of it. Like I said above, there is something so hauntingly beautiful about after everything Vash and Wolfwood went through in that abandoned city (Windmill Village I believe is how it's referred to) and with Rollo, that as the group drives away, to suddenly see the windmills start turning, resulting in the power coming back on and theoretically life being brought back into that city, like it hit something inside of me that I can’t really define. Earlier in the episode, in flashbacks to Rollo as a child, he was deemed to be a blessed child or something to that effect in that he would be the next in line to be sacrificed to bring good fortune to their city. And thinking about that and Wolfwood’s “mercy” killing of Rollo, it’s like, no Rollo’s death/sacrifice did bring good fortune to the city. It’s just so sad that his death was prolonged by Dr. Conrad’s experiments and after everyone had left the town. The score in this scene too! Like, don’t talk to me, the reprise of one of the main melodies to just such a haunting and somewhat ominous tone. Plus, the fact that it’s called “Human Subject” on the album. I feel like I’m rambling (heck, I know I am), but just all the elements and the build up of that episode, it does something to stir my emotions! Just gotta sit for a moment and think about everything that happened.

Getting to sit and really rewatch these episodes each day as a part of @tristampparty, the argument? discussion? talk? between Vash and Wolfwood right before the end of the episode, with Vash asking Wolfwood why did he shoot and him replying "Mercy," is another standout moment for me. I wish I had more time to write about it (or could at least put it into words better), but I love how it explores the dichotomies in Vash and Wolfwood's thinking or ideology, which was set up in ep. 4 and explored in this one. Wolfwood's response, "Mercy," causes Vash to stop and think since I'd argue that directly contradicts the reason Vash wanted to keep Rollo alive.

Based on my interpretation, which feel free to disagree with, to spare Rollo from death, to finally fulfill his promise to Rollo that we saw in the flashbacks, saying how he would be there if Rollo ever needed help, to Vash, that is "mercy." The comfort of having someone who can see him for the person underneath all the machinery and experimentation and to not instantly run away in fear, this is Vash's perception of "mercy" in this situation. However, for Wolfwood, because he is just like Rollo, taken away from his childhood home to be experimented on, death and escaping the fate (and likely the pain) that was forced upon them is "mercy." Wolfwood's actions represent the first time someone in their group, or really who isn't labeled as an explicit foe/enemy, actually manages to upset Vash since Wolfwood broke the main tenant of Vash's philosophy.

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Thank you for reading and coming to my rambling session! As I briefly mentioned above, there are a lot of episodes and moments that I cannot get over from TriStamp. And while I don't know if I would say ep. 5 is my favorite, I just wanted to give it some love and talk about its ending for today.

Chapter fifteen: Keep the Wolves Away —✧

Series masterlist

Chapter Warnings: mentions of pregnancy, mentions of suicide attempt, heavy stuff guys tread lightly

Authors note: I’m not gonna lie this chapters kinda heavy. Enjoy guys, we’re almost at the end!

—✧

It was a lot more peaceful in the mountains at nighttime. You’d hear the occasional howl from the wolves, or the sound of running water from the river just a few yards from the cabin. But Kenny realized that the peacefulness was very soothing, like a breath of fresh air from the normally loud nature of our friend group. Not that he didn’t love our friend group, he did. He just appreciated the silence a little bit more because of it.

Kenny had wondered off late at night, or morning you could say, to go and smoke out by the bridge above the river. He wanted to be surrounded by the quiet. Instead he was met with a sight that was anything but peaceful.

“Hey! Hey! What are you doing out there!” He yelled, noticing the silohoure of a figure standing by the edge of the bridge.

“Kenny?” The voice called. Kenny rubbed his eyes, trying to determine wether he actually saw who stood infront of him or if his weed may have been laced.

“Cartman? What the fuck dude?” Kenny called out, coming closer to Cartman who stepped back at the sight of Kenny.

“Kenny go back to the cabin.” He said softly, holding his hands out in a calm manner. Kenny shook his head, his expression getting angrier and less patient.

“No, what the hell are you doing at the edge of a bridge at, 3 fucking am?!” He yelled, and Cartman shook his head, sighing.

“It’s nothing Kenny, just go back to the cabin.”

“I’m not going back.” Kenny said, crossing his arms angrily.

“Really Kenny I just..” Cartman said, stepping back slowly.

“Get away from the edge Cartman!” Kenny shouted, as Cartman’s leg slipped back. “Fuck!” Kenny shouted, running over to where he was. Eric’s hand was stuck in the fence on the bridge's edge. Kenny grabbed his arm, grunting as he attempted to pull him back up.

“Jesus, why are you so goddamn heavy!” Kenny shouted, tears now streaming down Eric’s face as he hung off the edge.

“Just let me go Kenny!” Eric shouted, making Kenny feel his heart drop.

“Stop saying that Eric, it’s not funny!” Kenny shouted back, finally pulling Cartman far enough up to keep him safe. However, in the heat of the moment, the momentum from Cartman being brought up knocked Kenny over the edge.

“Kenny!” Cartman shouted, running to the edge to see Kenny at the bottom. He struggled to pull out his phone while climbing down the side, meeting where Kenny had fallen at the bottom. He grabbed him, pulling him out onto a patch of grass as he dialed a number in the phone. “Holy shit, oh my god. Oh fuck.”

—✧

“What do you want fatass?” Kyle asked, pulling out his phone to answer Cartman’s 8th call. He was extremely annoyed with the boys constant calls, in fear it would wake up Juno who had finally just gotten to sleep after a long night of vomiting and discomfort.

“Kyle please..” Eric sobbed, causing Kyle to sit up once noticing the urgency.

“Why are you crying?” He asked, Cartman trying to contain himself on the other end.

“Please, I’d never ask you for anything but this again.” Cartman cried. Kyle got out of bed carefully, sending me one last glance before walking out into the hall.

“Cartman what’s wrong?” He asked, his voice much more kind then when he had answered.

“It’s Kenny he, oh god, he’s still breathing just, I don’t know if he’s conscious.” He rambled, unable to catch his breath from how panicked he was.

“Cartman it’s 4 in the morning, what are you two doing?” Kyle asked, whispering to not wake anyone else up.

“Please just come here now, and call ambulance please!” Cartman yelled, hanging up the phone before sending Kyle his location.

Kyle wasn’t even entirely sure what was wrong, but the thought of Kenny being unconscious made his chest feel heavy. He threw in the first pair of slippers he found, hoping Tweek wouldn’t freak out once seeing his slippers where gone, and ran to the car. It was only a bit away from the cabin, but Kyle was to panicked to think.

“What the hell?” Kyle yelled, getting out of the car to see Cartman holding onto Kenny below the bridge. He struggled to get down over the side, running to Kenny’s side when he got there.

“Kyle, please!” Cartman shouted, making Kyle gesture urgently.

“I called the ambulance, they’re in their way. What happened?”

“I was out on the bridge and then, I slipped and he caught me but he fell..he’s been slipping in and out ever since.” Cartman explained, causing Kyle to sigh as he pulled Kenny into his lap.

“Fuck… Kenny can you hear me?” Kyle called, shaking him slightly.

“Kyle?”

Kyle flinched when he looked down, seeing the cuts and bruises scattered over Kenny’s body.

“Yeah Ken it’s me, can you breathe okay?” Kyle asked, but Kenny didn’t answer. He shook his head, tears falling down his cheeks.

“Please, please I don’t wanna die for real this time.” Kenny sobbed, making Kyle’s heart ache at his broken voice.

“It’s okay Kenny, you’re not gonna die..”

“I won’t wake up this time, it won’t go back to normal this time please, I’m afraid.” Kenny continued to plead, looking down at his body with fear.

“It’s okay Ken. You’re talking crazy just try to breathe.” Kyle reassured.

“I’m so scared, it hurts, I don’t want to die.” Tears were now streaming down Kenny’s face violently, as ambulance sirens could be heard in the distance.

“You hear that? That’s the sirens. You’re gonna be okay.” Kyle reassured, sending Cartman to go and wave the ambulance down.

“I’m scaredd…I..” Kenny’s eyes began to shut, open again, then shut once again. Kyle could feel tears in his eyes.

“Kenny? No, no no Kenny c’mon keep your eyes open. Come onn…no! Listen to my voice.” Kyle yelled, shaking Kenny aggressively to get him to wake up.

“They’re down here!” One of the officers called, bringing a group of men who came down and lifted Kenny up and into the stretcher.

“Please, my friends he..”

“Your friend is in good hands.” The officer annoucned.

“We need a extra hands pronto!”

“Are you alright sir are you injured?” They asked Kyle, who shakes his head in response, looking at his now bloodied pajamas.

“I’m fine, the blood isn’t mine.”

“We better take this one, his blood pressure scarily low and it seems he’s dislocated an arm.” They said, turning to Eric who shook his head.

“I’m fine.” He replied snappily, making Kyle sigh.

“Cartman don’t fight with the paramedics please, it’s not the time.” He lectured, which made Eric nod.

“Okay.”

“I’ll call your mom Cartman..”

“No! No, it’s fine, I’m fine, she doesn’t need to be worried. God knows how much trouble I be in, chicks and I right?” Eric yelled, making Kyle furrow his eyebrows confused as they all made their way to the ambulance.

“Okay..hey, wait! I want to come too.” Kyle said, moving in to where they had brought Kenny.

“Are you family?”

Kyle nodded, rubbing his forehead with frustration.

“Yeah..yeah we’re family.”

—✧

I had quickly made my way to the hospital once Kyle had called, we had to wait until the next morning but we went nonetheless. We both stopped in Cartman’s room forst to check up on him, and now it was my turn to split and check up on Kenny.

“I’m gonna go see Kenny.” I said, kissing Kyle’s cheek as I pulled away from his grasp.

“Okay love, be careful. You know the doctor said no more stress because you could…” He said sternly, making me roll my eyes as I called back, walking to the door.

“I know, I know.” I mumbled, making myself chuckle playfully.

“I love you!” He called out, making me blow him a kiss.

“I love you too!” I yelled back, before leaving and closing the door. Kyle sighed, turning to smile slightly at Eric.

“Hey.” Kyle said quietly, making Eric smile at him.

“So with Juno, everything okay with..” Eric tried to stall, hoping he could ignore the dreaded lecture from Kyle, but the angry look on his face said otherwise.

“Cut the crap Cartman.” Kyle hissed, making Eric look down was he pressed his lips together.

“Yeah. Yeah okay.” Eric mumbled, trying his hardest to avoid Kyle’s eye contact.

“You know that was a really, awful thing you did.” Kyle said angrily, gritting his teeth as he glared at Eric.

“I know.”

“Kenny could’ve died!” He shouted, not letting Eric keep talking. The room was dead silent, the only noise being the ticking of the fan from above the bed.

“He wasn’t supposed to be there.” Eric said quietly, still not looking up at Kyle, who had let his hands fall to his sides, showing just how angry he was.

“Well thank fucking God he was huh? You could’ve died!” Kyle shouted again, and Eric sighed.

“I know.”

“What the hell would have possessed you to get that close to the edge of the bridge?” Kyle snapped, making Eric sigh, finally looking up at the flaming angry expression left on his face.

“Look, it’s really not something I need to get into okay? Kenny’s fine, I’m fine, we’re all fine.”

“I don’t know what kind of sick joke you were trying to play there Cartman! Kenny’s in the hospital, he’s in a lot of pain. He almost died, and you seem like you couldn’t care at all that it’s your fault!” Kyle continued to yell, making Eric get angry now.

“I know it’s my fault goddamn it!” Eric yelled, causing Kyle to recoil slightly, shocked Eric would get so angry. “Kenny shouldn’t even have been there! I should’ve just gone over the edge like I was supposed to but the bastard had to save me!” Eric yelled, now making Kyle go quiet.

“What?”

He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. What do you say when your friend tells you something like that?

“I don’t think I have to explain further exactly what I was doing at that bridge.” Eric said, quieter this time.

It was quiet again. Kyle stared holes into the side of Eric’s face as he looked up at the ceiling. A few tears left Eric’s cheeks. It was true that Kyle and Eric had the worst rivalry in all of South Park. They hated each other. So much so that they had to be split up in classes to prevent further outbursts. But Kyle didn’t actually hate Eric, and Eric didn’t actually hate Kyle. He didn’t know why he was admitting this to Kyle, maybe it was because he was so mad it just came out. Or maybe, after all the fighting they had, Eric realized that Kyle and him had been through the most bullshit since he was alive. Maybe he knew Kyle would understand. Or maybe he just needed to tell someone, and hoped Kyle hated him enough to let it be. Kyle wasn’t sure why either, but he did know one thing. Eric Cartman would not kill himself, Kyle wasn’t gonna let that happen.

“This is serious dude, you have to tell somebody.” Kyle said softly, his enter demeanor changing.

“I just told you, didn't I?” Eric said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Kyle sighed instead, choosing to ignore the sarcasm dripping off Eric’s tongue.

“Yeah but, I mean someone who can help. Does your mom know?”

“No. And she doesn’t need to know. She’s going through enough right now.” Eric said, shaking his head as he clutched his forehead with frustration.

“Dude, I know we get at each other's throats a lot but you know I’m always here for you.”

“Yeah, yeah I know.”

“Hey, I’m right here talking to you now, right? No yelling. Just talking.” Kyle said, smiling kindly at Eric, who smiled back.

“Yeah, talking. It’s nice.” Eric said as he nodded. Kyle sighed, shaking his head as he frowned.

“I don’t want you to die Cartman, you’re my friend.” Kyle couldn’t help but get choked up at the thought.

“I thought you hated me.” Eric said with a chuckle, making Kyle scoff.

“I never hated you, I hated the things you said. That doesn’t mean I want you to die. And I sure as hell know Juno doesn’t.” Kyle said. The mention of her name made Eric smile.

“Kyle?”

“Yeah Cartman?”

“My mom has cancer.” Eric said, so quiet he had hoped no one could hear him. But Kyle did, Eric could tell he did by the way his eyes softened. “And, well, they don’t think she’s gonna survive. And if she doesn’t, I don’t know if I will either.”

—✧

I’m not sure when it was that Kenny and I became, Kenny and Juno. It was some time around kindergarten, when I offered him some of my lunch on our second day. Ever since he had cling to me, and I to him. We partnered together for everything, so much so even Stan started to get jealous. Something to do with our friendship, something which had sealed us in time forever, must have been when we were in 4th grade. Kenny and his family had been put into foster care after their parents had been taken. It was around the time that Kenny and I first started discovering his unkillable quality. See, growing up, I was the only person who remembered Kenny dying. Every single death. For some reason, knowing that much about a person seals your friendship forever.

“Jesus…what are you still doing here June?” Kenny asked, sitting up slightly in his spot, waking me up from where I had been napping leant against his hospital bed.

“Huh?” I mummbled, rubbing the tiredness out of my eyes as I sat up.

“Its fucking, 3 in the morning how have they not kicked you out yet?” He asked, making me smirk proudly.

“What, you’re not happy to see me?” I teased, wiggling my eyebrows as he furrowed his eyebrows at me.

“Do I even wanna know how you managed to stay?”

“Probably not.” He chuckled x before sighing as he gestured to me disappointedly.

“You should be at home Juno, you’re pregnant and on bed rest. This stress isn’t good for you.” Kenny said, resting a weak hand on my stomach. He smiled slightly when feeling the baby place a kick against his hand.

“Well I would be even more stressed at home and not next to you.” I said, smiling as I grabbed his hand. He smiled back, it was a weak smile but a smile nonetheless. “Besides, you’re not allowed to die before you're the godfather to my child. They’re gonna need an uncle Kenny if they’re gonna survive. I’m gonna need an uncle Kenny.” He sighed, shaking his head.

“Come on, you know I’d probably be back. I mean how much do we really trust that Katullo actually rid me of my power.” He teased, making me shake my head, my facial expression quickly dropping at the memory of the god.

“That doesn’t settle knowing you’ll be in pain. Just you wait til I give birth to this thing, you’ll be the one remembering my pain, see how I feel.” I remarked, making him chuckle.

“I don’t think that’s a very legitimate threat.”

“Totally is…they said you can come home tomorrow.”

“Sweet.” He cheered, fist bumping me.

“You managed to break your arm, fracture your shoulder and sprain an ankle. The rest of your injuries are a few bruises and some rough cuts that will heal soon enough. Got that sick new scar across the bridge of your nose though.” I explained, tracing his new scar carefully with my fingers. He nodded his head, looking at his reflection proudly.

“Cool.”

“Don’t worry though, you get to be my practice dummy for feeding this thing.” I teased, pointing to my bump, referring to the fact that I would be spoon feeding him until his arms healed.

“Ew, Juno I love you and all but I don’t know how Kyle would feel about me sucking your boobs.” He teased, earning a light shove from me as he laughed loudly.

“Not that you pervert! I mean I can help hand feed you til your arm heals.”

“How lovely.” He mumbled, rolling his eyes.

“I talked to your parents about it, they’re gonna let me stay with you for a week or two to help you get back on your feet.” I explained, making Kenny shake his head defiantly.

“Juno you can’t do that.” He said, making me shake my head, letting Kenny know it’s no trouble for me to help him.

“No, it’s okay really. Kyle’s okay with it, and the doctor said I need to move around a bit more anyway. Besides, I’m bringing food from home so I can cook for you and your family.”

I could hear him sigh at the thought. I had known food and money was always rough for Kenny and his family. Anytime I would stay over I would always bring something along with me to help support them. Kenny always detested, but appreciated my care for his family nonetheless.

“What if you go into early labor at my house?” He joked, making me scoff.

“Would you chill? You’re my best friend Kenny, I’m not about to not take care of you. Besides, Karen said she’ll let me sleep in her room, so I can have sleepovers with my best girlfriend.” I said happily, smiling back at Kenny at the mention of his sister. He smiled, grabbing my hand and squeezing it as much as he could with his weak arms.

“You know, you’re gonna be a great mom Juno.” He said kindly, making me rub my thumb gently against the back of his hand.

“Thanks Ken, that means a lot.”

“Where would I be without you?” He asked, making me shrug.

“Dead probably.”

“Yup, again and again and again..” he teased, making me push him as he chuckled loudly at my aggrivation. It was true, there was something to be said between a pregnant teen and her Kenny. It’s a funny thing really, the concept of soulmates. You always think of them as someone you’re meant to love romantically for the rest of your life in every universe. But I know for a fact that Kenny McCormick is my soulmate. And it may not be romantically, but I would love him forever.

saw a comment on a youtube video about how the time aspect wore dave down and a DIFFERENT comment on a DIFFERENT song about how hes giving up time travel good (which i did not read before having him give it up i swear. i feel vindicated) and someone linked the page / read through that a little

so supposedly the beta session lasted a day but dave played at least three days going through time loops, and thats just the alpha dave, not counting all the ones that died or were doomed

i think it works as a parallel for his anxiety and tendency to overthink, probably leaning into some obsessive compulsive issues

like i think that's how his brain worked. he's able to throw out paragraphs of rambling because the spigot from which his stream of conscious flows is smashed permanently open so he's always in his head, distracted, thinking of things to say and possibilities and fears and doubts. running through it in his mind trying to give himself the best chance at success to overcompensate for his deep, deep, deep insecurity it's not the dead part of the dave that scares him. he's used to dead things (in jars) it's the failed part.

(someone remind me to talk about the parallels between his time aspect and interest in wet specimens later)

having to weigh all those decisions and outcomes and decide which ones were more favorable really took a toll on him. like letting jade shoot him (he wasnt afraid of his death he was afraid of jade being hurt)(having to leave his sister behind alone in a doomed timeline to save her in another.)

it's too much knowledge and executive power. the human brain is not built to experience life that way (which is why caliborn makes such a potent lord of time - his brain IS wired to work that way - vicious and cyclical)(whereas for aradia it was like a second chance that was genuinely hers and not taken from her or controlled by a weird horny freak)

i think the moment he gives it up is the moment he realizes he can do more for everyone just being present in the moment. both in terms of time and his maladaptive daydreaming. or his internal panicked searches for the Correct thing to say which is also Very Cool and Funny (which he'll never fully give up but he can learn to say something beautiful and true or even cringy and silly once in a while)

i think it also contributes to his deep unabiding love for his brother because he knows dirk is weighing all the options too. he knows none of them seem great or possible. he knows they're gods who are going to live to see black holes die. he knows that on the graph of the timeline between the birth of the universe and the death of the final black hole, he hasn't moved a nanometer. theyre not even babies theyre zygotes.

the cruxite egg was such a good metaphor because itll hatch when its ready. it takes time. let it do what it does.

davebot experiences all points in time simultaneously so where we would see a moment, followed by a moment, followed by another moment, it's like he has the whole picture in his head from start to finish and enough quiet time to ponder it all and he's cheerfully nihilistic. assigning "good" and "bad" to any moment is pointless because you stretch out the whole tapestry and it's beautiful. you can't just cut out the upsetting parts. find beauty in the threads and the hands that wove them

im dumb. can you explain your eldest daughter nai post?

nononononoooo you are not dumb!!!! im sorry a lot of my ramblings are like...stream of consciousness posts where nothing makes sense bc im just trying to get thoughts out of my head. jdsfnskjfnjdn idek if i can explain it bc it's just. vibes . but like. it's my way of saying that nai has eldest daughter syndrome. he views himself as vash's protector and wants to replace rem as their motherhood figure, especially as a way to control vash (rem is at the center of vash's pacifism. his love for humanity his hurt his pain). especially if you take into consideration studio orange's extremely genius symbolic stampede original choice to show knives cannibalizing vash's memories of rem. i think making vash's amnesia a conscious choice on knives' part is so horrifyingly unsettling. knives wants to shape vash. mold him like a mother molds her child. make him into the person knives wants him to be (which makes knives' tampering with vash's memories even more terrifying). i think knives and even vash to an extent is guilty of constantly seeking out their idealized versions of the other, which is why they come to head every single time they clash. they constantly fight and hurt each other when all they rlly want to do is go back to when they were children, side by side. back to a time when they actually understood each other. it's vash and knives seeking out this need for understanding in the other, the bond they had as children, which is what is mutually destroying them piece by piece, memory by memory. and knives views rem as the root cause of all of it, corrupting every single memory and moment of her he has. it's rem rejecting him and siding with humanity despite humanity's potential for destruction and cruelty, cruelty they inflicted on tesla. it's rem rejecting his hand as his last memory of her. it's seeing rem in vash and vash's betrayal becoming rem's betrayal over and over again👍

Eyo so-

Since I have ADHD and Mysta has ADHD it's self projecting time!!!

Mysta Rias and Reader with ADHD

Mysta wasn't surprised when you told him- actually the entirety of Luxiem- Shoto already knew.

Mysta just had a feeling... Something was definitely off about you unlike the others- like him!

Everyone got an answer one way while you got the same answer doing it a whole different way- like how did you even get that?! Only Mysta can truly understand that feeling-

He wasn't too good at catching himself when he went of track but he was good at catching you straying away from the original subject.

It's why he felt so comfortable just talking around you. With a lot of people, I always tried to stay overly conscious about what he was saying, he didn't wanna stray away into 5 subjects at once and throw everyone off... that happened a lot. No one was able to keep up- but with you, he could go through 5 subjects in 1 minute and you could keep up the ENTIRE time, even going ahead of him.

It mostly was brought up when Luca asked.

"Oh, ya! I have ADHD!"

"Oh shit, really? Mysta does too I think," Vox comments, "For some reason I had a hunch you were neurodivergent in some way..." Mysta said

But with that came the struggles. But struggles both of you could relate to, so it didn't feel as lonely.

Both of you had a tendency to talk over others on accident. The impulsivity that comes with ADHD causes this. Yeah, yeah, neurotypical people do this too, but not nearly as much. For ADHD, it can affect personal relationships, just like any other symptom of ADHD.

Both of you have a small ass attention span, and you commend Mysta for people able to play the whole game of The Quarry, or Minecraft for even 5 minutes on his own. You loved games with puzzles and stuff, like Madison since it was horror... but you had a small amount of patience and even less for focus so for finding the damn green safe passcode, you opted for looking it up on Google over actually finding it-

You and Mysta help each other with getting work done- usually it seems like Mysta's the one doing the reminding. Hell sometimes he'll stream while you're in VC with him since you were doing something like homework. If he heard what sounded like you going off track, he was instantly nudging you back to your work until you got it done. You did the same for him. If he had some shit to do but was procrastinating, you'd push him back on track.

Hyperactive episodes are wild when you got 2 people with ADHD in the room-

You two will rage at the faking disorder cringe compilations for HOURS... you two will MALD over people who fake ADHD so much Jesus christ-

"NO- IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAS ADHD I'M MORE THAN 110% SURE SHE WON'T GET HYPER ON COFFEE!!" "Yeah!!"

"THAT'S WHY SHIT LIKE ADDERALL AND VYVANSE CALM US DOWN BUT MAKES ANYONE WHO DOESNT HAVE ADHD HYper- I physically can not get a sugar rush- I've never had a sugar rush in my life!!" "Exactly! Caffeine doesn't do shit to us... like if she were to have something similar to ADHD then you mean ADD... because people with ADD get hyper from shit like Adderall. It has the opposite affect on people without ADHD!" "That's why it's so addicting too!"

Mysta would gladly listen to you ramble about your hyperfixations, obviously jumping in with a comment here or there.

You'd do the same, and if you both shared the same hyperfixation at that moment? Oh boy... silence doesn't exist-

You're both patient with each other.

You know you have to get work done but Mysta won't shut the fuck up about something, you get his attention and gently remind him you need to get something done before the hyperfocus wears off- he understands and fucks off to do something else for a little bit until you're done. If you're rambling off about whatever the fuck, the does the same.

"I'm sorry but I gotta get this done! I'll talk to you and listen in a little okay? I love you!~"

But oh jesus christ what is a clean room honestly-

Organization? What??

Organizer? I hardly even know 'er-

Both of your rooms are a death trap.

Who's is worse? We don't know. We can't tell. We're too afraid to get close to either person's room door.

But sometimes you band together with that hyperfocus mentality currently affecting you and get y'all's rooms cleaned one by one...

But it ain't staying like that for long...

It's fucked up in a week max

Usually in 2 days it's back to the way it was. Honestly what was the point? We don't know- but "Hey! I found my Miku pop figure I was looking for!!"

With impulsivity comes great spending habits lmao-

Between the two you MIGHT be better-

If you exclude thr 100 dollars you spent using Christmas to get Xiao when you lost his 50/50 to Diluc

But you are bad about spending small amounts of money on the stupidest shut you find online or in somewhere like Walmart or Target-

Only like 4 dollars but still-

You when to Walmart with the intent on getting groceries but came back with toys that you for distracted by, 2 gallons of Milo's Sweet Tea (or unsweetened if you're uncultured- fuck unsweet tea, this post was made by the sweet tea gang-), candy, some random ass kids art supplies, the kids gummy vitamins, and more random candy you got at the check out counter... as well as McDonald's.

"(Y/n) that's... that's not groceries.." "technically it IS groceries!-" "not the ones we needed though! You can nOT be trusted!" "YoU CAN'T EITHER-"

Y'all spent the next like 3 hours playing with Legos and shit bro-

Mysta on his way to try and clean his room but ended up finding some old pictures and stuff he forgot about.. you walked in and ended up joining him.

Please anything but the actual task I have to do-

When you have conversations and go from topic A to topic 10 in 5 minutes people ask how and then proceed to be amazed at how you do mental gymnastics all the way from how the conversation began to how it finished flawlessly and Mysta's just there like "yep... sounds about right"

How do you even remember what our conversation what about?!-

.... ssshhhh... don't question the ways of the neurodivergents...

ADHD isn't fun, but it can be more bearable when someone who can relate is around to talk about it and you help each other through it.

The Angel of Indian Lake by Stephen Graham Jones

Scars proved you lived.

I admittedly have a pretty serious love/hate relationship with Jade Daniels. Her papers throughout My Heart Is a Chainsaw really tested my patience, and her immaturity throughout the events of that book seemed a bit too much. But the person she begins to grow into by the end of Chainsaw and throughout the events of the all-around masterpiece that is the middle book of this trilogy, Don't Fear the Reaper , is so interesting and complete that I couldn't help but fall in love with Jade Daniels and every blood-soaked thing for which she stands.

"...the cool thing about trilogies is you get to use every last part of the buffalo."

Stephen Graham Jones's The Angel of Indian Lake isn't quite the all-around horror masterpiece that Reaper is, but it is a wholly worthy final chapter in The Indian Lake Trilogy, or: The Savage History of Proofrock, Idaho. Throughout the trilogy, we've seen Jade Daniels go from immature, delusional slasher fantasist, to begrudgingly badass final girl, to hesitant horror historian. Best to call it the The Violent Coming-of-Age of a Reluctantly Willing Final Girl. It's an authentically compelling character arc that relishes the romance of the final girl without ever shying away from the traumatic weight of the role and the cyclical nature of violence throughout the history America.

She's right. In the rock/paper/scissors of horror, chainsaw always wins. Cops and guns don't work against slashers, trucks and fire are big fat fails, but a chainsaw? If you've got a chainsaw, you're pretty damn golden.

The Angel of Indian Lake ties the trilogy together so beautifully, so viciously, that even its flaws are fascinating. SGJ makes the risky decision to close out Jade's story by throwing us headfirst into her mind, writing Angel in an (often stream-of-conscious) first-person narrative. Jade's mind is a chaotic, damaged landscape that can often create pacing issues due to her unfocused, rambling narration, but it also gives us a deeper look into the root of these horrific events, bringing the many disjointed storylines together in a brutally bloody, emotionally exhausting and thematically cathartic manner.

And the plotting itself is even more risky, bringing together every last piece of this epic horror saga in a batshit crazy onslaught of slaughter. But thankfully, SGJ's vision is complete, and he conducts these exceedingly insane displays of slasher carnage in a way that only ever enriches the overarching themes; and more than makes up for the lulls between. The climactic massacre is so dam wild, and I loved every bizarre, messy minute of it. Jade and those she loves are seriously put through the wringer, here, but it all comes together for such a fitting, bittersweet ending that brings Jade to exactly where she needs to be.

Despite those pacing issues and some moments of feeling completely lost among all those players and plot-points, SGJ sticks the landing, delivering a third installment that does indeed "mash that pedal to the floor until it gets stuck", and thankfully never loses traction.

It's supposed to mean Proofrock's slasher days are over.

8/10

-Timothy Patrick Boyer.

I keep seeing all this talk about how we need to make the new Dracula adaptation ourselves now that we’re all more conscious of how badly Hollywood has consistently screwed the story, so, get me…a web-series that follows the same input we’ve all been getting from Dracula Daily.

We release the episodes like video diaries on the dates from the novel. I say web-series because I don’t even think a streaming platform would accept that as a consumable format; go a couple months with consistent updates from Jonathan, then go SUPER sporadic through the summer, then back to consistent updates in September, and then “WHAT DO YOU MEAN A THREE-HOUR EPISODE IN OCTOBER”

But we’d get to mess around with different media formats to present it too instead of being stuck in one kind of traditional filming method. Like can you imagine a still image from Jonathan’s diary with terrified voiceover of him seeing Dracula climbing the castle wall all lizard-man like? Or a found footage style montage of the Demeter’s logs? And then once the gang gets together, then we start to go a bit more cinematic with it? I don’t think we’d necessarily have to stick to one type of traditional filming format for this to really get all the potential great moments…anyways that’s just me rambling 😂

A Ramble on Butlers and Masters

(I mean it when I say a ramble, I have no particular theory or conclusion to draw this to and it’s very stream of conscious, I just think Yana is doing some intricately crafted work with narrative parallels and it’s Neat)

Thinking about how out of all the master/butler pairs we have in the manga to parallel Ciel/Sebastian we now have one where the master dies (Madam Red/Grell), one where the butler dies (Soma/Agni), and one where they are, for the moment, both still alive (Sieglinde/Wolf, and if that changes Yana is going to find me weeping inconsolably on her doorstep). Sieglinde and Wolf surviving feels like a relatively solid bet to me just because they have already both come so close to dying and escaped—just on a level of like, a sense for narrative and stakes I’d be a little surprised if they died now.

I also think it’s interesting that in the Red pair the butler killed the master and in the Indian pair the butler died for the master, and maybe if I continue to think about this I will find a way that Wolf and Sieglinde fold into this too. But—loosely, something about the agency of the butler and their choice (obviously an inversion of the usual power dynamic in the relationship). I suppose one might say that Wolf lived for Sieglinde after suffering what was nearly a fatal injury, which feels like it fits.

Fascinatingly, our noncanon master/butler pair (Alois/Claude) are both dead, and maybe it’s bc I just watched it so it’s on my mind but I’d argue that while it’s not a master/butler relationship, Alan/Eric from the musical have enough deliberate foiling with Ciel/Sebastian (eg, the inversion of gathering a thousand souls to save one vs Sebastian’s disinterest in those same thousand souls in comparison to his one) to add them to the conversation, so we have two… extracurricular master/butler pairs who are both fully deceased.

Of course the other pair that needs to be added to this spreadsheet is R!Ciel/Undertaker, which I suspect will be our canon “both of them die” pair, although they occupy a weird space considering that technically both of them are already dead. So maybe they occupy some other category entirely. But I think it’s more likely they will not survive the story, end up deader than dead, and “some other category” may be reserved for the stars of the show. And of course, being already dead but still kicking isn’t unique to them, both literally—Grell is also a reaper—and more figuratively. …in fact ALL the master/butler pairs have undergone some form of figurative death and rebirth.

If I have any theory to lead to here it’s just that I suspect Ciel and Sebastian will fit into a pattern here, though I don’t know how yet. Just that at the end I’m going to look back and say goddammit Yana for how obvious it will look in retrospect.

Feelings and Emotions about Final Stroke Volume 2

So @kudouusagi and I ventured into Mexico this weekend to check out the hopefully FINAL Free movie. And it was a wild adventure. But more importantly, the movie was probably some of the most I've enjoyed Free since Take Your Marks! I absolutely loved it! That doesn't mean it's not without flaws. But as someone who has watched every piece of Free media, read every single bit of side content and spent untold dollars on Free merch, it hit the sweet spot.

And I thought I'd share my impressions with those of you who may not see it for a very long time.

Okay, let's get some general disclaimers out of the way. 1.) I am not going to summarize this movie. You've read the summaries, you know how the movie goes. This post is just going to be my stream of conscious RinHaru/Free fangirl babble about how the movie affected me in various scenes. It will be in mostly chronological order because that's how I remember things, but I can't guarantee perfectly accurate flow. MOST IMPORTANT I AM A RINHARU FAN AND THAT IS MY PRIMARY FOCUS. If you are not here for that, this is not the post for you! Again, you have actual summaries. This is just a feelings ramble. 2.) I am not going to focus on characters that I am not overly concerned with. Others have covered what they’re doing. 3.) I am not going to mention any dialogue, unless it's dialogue that's been covered in other summaries since my Japanese is garbo and I don't want to lead anyone astray. 4. This movie is EXTREMELY visual-based. Dialogue is kind of minimal compared to most Free content and visual storytelling is KEY. No summary is going to quite convey the same feeling as the movie because framing and visuals are so important to really APPRECIATING this movie. There is a lot that is just surreal as far as dream sequences and out of body experiences. Endless metaphors. Constant flashbacks and Best of RH screen reels. It is just A LOT. So seeing it will be your best way of truly FEELING this movie. But I will do my best to capture my feelings at least. 5.) This movie is not perfect and I will have a section for nitpicks. It's just how I roll.

ONTO THE IMPRESSIONS - HERE THERE BE SPOILERS

THE MOMENTS THAT MADE MY FANGIRL HEART FLUTTER (Or just the really cute/cool stuff) - Ikuya teasing Sousuke about being lost after Sousuke appears out of freakin' nowhere in the beginning scene. - The acoustic version of Dried Up Youthful Fame plays over a combination of the RinHaru fight in FS1 and flashbacks to basically every RH scene in existence. This works AMAZINGLY well and gives you all the emotions. ;; This is the moment when I realized this movie was even MORE RinHaru than previously advertised. It just screams THIS IS THE IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP OF THE SERIES and I love it. You see their whole evolution even as you see everything breaking down. And as you know, you get new dialogue and new angles of their reactions during the fight. Simply gorgeous. - THE PINING - PART HARU. Haru is so miserable without Rin. He's also exhausted from overworking himself but Sousuke bringing up Rin sends him into total Rin despair. Complete with RinHaru flashbacks. - Natsuya appearing in Sousuke's car after Sousuke drops Haru off. I swear to god I thought Natsuya appeared out of nowhere and must have been sleeping on the floor lol. - THE PINING - PART RIN. Rin just sounds so broken for the first section of this movie. Both in his attempting to convince himself his choice in FS1 was right, as he talks to Mikhail's closed door. And in his scene with Asahi in the laundromat, when he basically melts into the bench. It's the most depressed I've ever seen Rin, and this includes Season 1. The poor thing. The way he says "Haru" to Asahi nearly broke me. HE'S SO SAD. - Another case of a character appearing out of freakin' nowhere. Mikhail isn't in the room when Rin opens the door but somehow appears right behind him. Why does this keep happening? - Baby Haru falling in love with a video of a waterfall was too precious. All of baby Haru in the water was too precious. - Makoto watching RinHaru's greatest hits via home movies in the theater. Technically, Nagisa is here too, but this is shown to be Makoto's dream so I'm going with him dreaming about Nagisa being here. It is again just SO MUCH RINHARU. And yes, the scene with them as superheroes is hilarious. The music here is a medley of Boy in the Water, Ever Blue and Words that Changed My Life. ;; - Also Haru is having dreams about running away from the relay and crying and you can see tears in his eyes and WHY DO YOU HURT ME THIS WAY KYOANI. Also bizarre how dream him falls through the screen and tries to stop bb Haru but passes through him like a ghost~. Also bb Haru in Albert clothing was suitably creepy. XD - You really feel how badly Haru and Rin are doing without each other, just unable to reach their full potential in swimming and the coaches keep commenting on it. - Ryuuji is a tsun disaster in this movie but I absolutely love him. - I have no idea what Makoto texted Rin because when he showed up to yell at Ryuuji, he was basically ON FIRE. He was pure rage and manhandling Ryuuji and it was just really intense. Then Makoto calms him down (though dude, Makoto, this is your fault, what did you say to him??) and Ryuuji basically starts hauling Rin around with the same intensity. I swear the angle made it almost look like he had Rin by the throat when it was just his collar. And Rin looks ready to tear up. He doesn't cry but just the sheer broken emotion on his face is SO GOOD. Especially after Ryuuji says his piece about Rin telling Haru how he feels and Rin breaks away. - Makoto and Rin trying to find Haru was suitably dramatic. I love Rin beating himself for everything he's ever said to Haru and just falling and rolling in the dirt until he reaches his sakura. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE COULD BLOODY TELL THAT WAS HARU. I could barely tell that was Haru. All you see is the back of Haru's head. Rin must have eagle eye vision. Though the look in his eyes is so awestruck when he finds him that I guess I will forgive the surreality of it all. - Okay words cannot describe how hilarious it is that Rin called Makoto to tell him Haru was there and then waited for Makoto to show up and then the SECOND Makoto shows up and tries to walk toward Haru, Rin stops him and goes over to strip. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY RIN WAITED TO DO THIS. HOW LONG WAS HE JUST STARING AT HARU FLOATING IN THE WATER? WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS, RIN? - The night pool is another thing that can't be put into words. It's gorgeous. The softness between Rin and Haru when Rin challenges him is just amazing. The moment in their race when Rin realizes Haru is racing normally again, the expression on Rin's face, just top fucking notch. So good. Also love the lighting during their race. Even if they are basically racing to techno porno music. I LOVE LIKE A MAGNET OKAY. - Haru is so friggin soft when Rin hugs him. The whole hug scene when they're being honest with each other about their feelings, they are so soft. Just the way Haru just sort of drops his head and looks so tender. And the teasing affectionate look in his eyes. And their gentle smiles at each other. I CAN'T OKAY I CAN'T. It's so fucking intimate I feel like a voyeur watching this. DO I HAVE THEIR CONSENT TO BE VIEWING THIS? - I love them pulling Makoto into the pool without warning. Lol they are such asses. They tease Makoto about it too. I liked that for a split second Makoto looked like he did in Season 1 Episode 1. Great callback. - So we know they ask to train together. And this actually brings my FAVORITE moment of the whole movie. There's this super fast clip of Rin and Haru doing laps with each other. And they swim past each other in different lanes. And Rin does his usual grin at Haru. And Haru does the MOST AMAZING SMILE (click to see it) back at Rin. I was DYING. You have no idea how long I've waited to see Haru happy while smiling with Rin IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT. I can't even explain why it means so much to me. It just really captured how far they've come. Because it's an allusion to when Rin beat Haru in Season 1 and he had that wild grin and Haru just looked shocked. Except now Haru is DELIGHTED. And ahhhhh my heart. - Also their cute bickering at one another while everyone freaks out and Makoto just shakes his head. Haru is so tsun in that scene too. XD - I loved the Ryuuji flashback when Mikhail basically does the Rin shoulder lean on Ryuuji before Kiyo shows up. It really cements them as the original MHR trio. Even down to how tsun young Ryuuji is and how Kiyo keeps calling him chan. I loved this. It was just really sweet. - I love Kinjou in this movie in general. But I especially love when he's being tsun about Haru since he cares about Haru's condition more than anyone. I'll never get why we never SAW his redemption arc but I do love slightly more unhinged "Rin" basically. XD - I have long detested the back-walking on Sousuke's arc in Eternal Summer BUT I really like Sousuke in this movie. And I truly enjoyed his race with Rin. It was very sweet and cathartic for them both. I just love Sousuke being wholly his own person in this movie and having so many other relationships with Makoto, Natsuya, Kinjou, Hiyori and Haru. Just good stuff for the lad. Also using "Clear Blue Departure" for their race was very very good. - So there's this scene when they all qualify for Nationals and are celebrating and I could barely pay attention BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL DRESSED SO AWFUL. It's like this is the most important moment of your lives and you are an embarrassment to fashion. Anyway, the positive here is Asahi who is the purest cinnamon roll and so happy about his qualification. YOU DESERVE THE WORLD, ASAHI. ;;b - I love all the races in this movie. Haru defying Ryuuji's advice in his Kinjou race was done really well. It was super intense. And I love the music. Drag Racer indeed. - I am a sap so of course I loved Rin and Ikuya showing up with Makoto when Haru's recovering in the clinic. - As always, I love Rin and Ikuya interactions in general. They're such a great pair. They don't have as much here as FS1 but they're still precious. Them hugging each other after getting their medals MY SOUL IS LEAVING MY BODY. - I AM SO UPSET HARU DIDN'T SEE RIN WIN HIS RACE. (More on that later.) But I did love the callback of Gou wearing Rin's medal to when Tora let Rin wear his medal and told Gou she could wear it next time. MY EYES ARE LEAKING. Also Rin's mom mentioning something that Rin still has to do. Which I'm assuming is about swimming with Haru but GEEZ YOU TOLD YOUR MOM ABOUT HARU TOO, RIN? Have you at least brought him to meet her yet? Anyway, supportive Miyako ftw. - I absolutely LOVED the scene where Haru leaves Makoto in the clinic. It's framed like a relay exchange. Where Haru thanks Makoto and then grabs his hand for a moment and strides past him, as if he's diving forward (into the water). This was SUCH A GOOD symbolism for their relationship. I loved it so much. I loved the metaphor of Makoto turning the race over to Haru aaaaah. - Oh about Haru's crazy dream sequence while he's unconscious. I really liked how he manages to grab his younger self to keep him from running. It's so dramatic. And bb Haru's tears. ;; - Total chaos with the relay changeup. I loved this madness. Even if poor Asahi got screwed over again. YOU'LL GET THEM NEXT TIME, ASAHI. ;;b Oh, I’m squeezing in Ikuya’s absolutely precious smile to Hiyori just before his race. It stole my heart completely. God it was gorgeous. - I love Kinjou seeing the "sight" in his race because he's so darkly unhinged about it and it's just such a cool contrast to Season 1 Rin seeing the "sight." This was a great scene. Kinjou is awesome. What a dick. XD - Okay, the final race was insanely good. From Samezuka getting all possessive over Sousuke. To Seijurou showing up and being all intensely supportive. To the way the powerful music CUTS OFF COMPLETELY when Haru dives over Rin (cue Rin eyecatch of Haru) and only picks up again once he hits the water CHILLS. And just Haru's racing is so fucking INTENSE. I knew how this would end and I was honestly EXCITED AND ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT. Free has never made me feel that way about a race because the winner never matters. But it mattered here and it WORKED. - Oh yeah, I generally loved everyone cheering for everyone. This is something that was sorely lacking since Season 1 after Eternal Summer started the teamsplit trend. And I think everyone cheering for everyone really captures the spirit of Free so this made me REALLY HAPPY. - I also like the flashing back to everyone else watching the race, including Misaki and his friend and Rin's homestay parents and Winnie. D'awww. - I admit being a RH, my hackles DID go up for a moment when bb Haru reached out to bb Albert in the same manner as Haru reaching out to Rin from Season 1 Episode 12. BUT I was relieved that Albert just grabs his hand so it's a different feeling. And I loved Haru "saving" Albert. The whole transition of the dark water around Albert to the bright beautiful water around Haru. - Speaking of Albert, they don't really let him speak that much in this movie. And it's almost entirely to Haru. But I love his lines. He's still an adorable bear. I love his rivalry with Haru so much. They're so good. - Of course I loved the final relay hug. And everyone crying with joy. Even Haru. FEELS. - It was so surreal watching Haru just DROP out of that group hug and fall on the floor. As much as I love Rin holding him on his knee after he falls, it's just such a surreal scene. It's seriously framed like Haru is dying. Bizarre. - OKAY SO HUNGARY. We know about the tracks and this creative version of a Words that Changed My Life playing against Ever Blue. But what REALLY sells this scene is the huge smirk/grin on Haru's face when he answers Rin's question about if he wants to see how the dream continues. That is one HAPPY CONFIDENT MAN. I love it! - Oh yeah, so on the final RinHaru note, I'm going to be real. The way they frame this movie, where Haru is constantly asked or asking himself questions about why he swims, why he swims competitively and what he's after... and then have Rin be his savior more or less. It really frames it that RIN and his relationship with Rin ARE those answers. Like it's not even ambiguous. You really have to SEE this framing to get what I mean. Especially with how the movie starts and ends with RinHaru's relationship. It's just stunning.

THE WHAT THE FUCK MOMENTS THAT STOOD OUT - Who let Sousuke drive? Why is this man driving? Why are people in a car with him? They could have at least shown him with a GPS or something. - Rei and Ai's introductions to Ikuya's team. Compared to Nagisa. Nagisa's is a normal bouncy introduction to Kinjou's team while Rei and Ai break out into full interpretive dance. I don't even know man... - Why is Makoto having dreams of RinHaru's Greatest Hits? It's just so weird. XD Also evil goldfish always blocking him. - WHY IS NAGISA GOING AFTER PRO COMPETITIVE SWIMMING? He has so many other choices. He has never shown interest in wanting to do this forever. He just liked swimming with his friends and THAT'S FINE. He gets to competitive swim but Nao and Makoto don't? The people who ACTUALLY WANTED TO PURSUE THIS? Why? Why does freakin' everyone go into pro swimming except for Nao and Makoto? It's so STUPID. Why can't anyone have any other path? I can buy Rei and Ai since that ties into their "need to get better at swimming" arcs. BUT NAGISA NEVER EVEN IMPROVED AT SWIMMING. He has no swimming arc! They just did this because they didn't know what else to do with him. And yeah, him and Kinjou are incredibly cute but this plotline is STILL STUPID. And miserably unfair to both Nao and Makoto. - SPEAKING OF MAKOTO, we're going to talk about AN INTERESTING SCENE. So Makoto relays the story of how him and Nagisa wanted to get Haru a charm to cheer him up after him losing to older kids when they were younger. An undercurrent of this is Nagisa wants Makoto to tell Haru how he feels about him. He eventually tells him he loves his swimming and is adorably embarrassed. We got back to real life and Haru's reaction to this? HE DOESN'T FREAKIN' REMEMBER. DUDE DON'T TELL HIM THAT. SAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT. THIS DUDE POURED HIS HEART OUT TO YOU IN STORY FROM AND YOU TELL HIM YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT. i can't even. i can't. Anyway, Rin is clearly feeling bad for Makoto after Haru's usual blunt nature so he tells him that he remembers hearing about a kid who defeated a bunch of older kids. And apparently this adds another level to the growing pyramid lore of how Rin first heard about Haru. Lol. But yeah, it was just so weird to have Haru react like that to what seemed to be an important story to Makoto and something he's been trying to convey since the last movie (maybe? we'll get to that). Why? I don't get it. - While I love the scene of young Ryuuji and the others. IT BREAKS THE PKH LORE. Since young Ryuuji is tsun. Now I figured originally that tsun Ryuuji was the result of losing his friend and that's why he didn't have PKH's charming personality. But no Ryuuji was still tsun as a youngster. SO WHERE DID THAT ULTRA LADIES MAN PKH PICTURE COME FROM? He seems like a completely different person from young Ryuuji. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

- WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE SURPRISED THAT SOUSUKE IS SWIMMING BACK? Like the whole point of the second half of the movie is they’re all training together. But it’s this huge surprise when Sousuke competes in back and qualifies. Was Nao hosting secret swimming lessons at night ala Rin/Rei from Eternal Summer? When did this special regiment happen? Why did nobody know about it? Why was it a secret? Was it supposed to be a secret? This just completely DOES NOT WORK with their whole theme of working together toward their goal. It surprises the audience sure but it holds no logical consistency to what they established about the joint training. It’s so dumb. - I hate the Haru passing out/collapsing storyline. It's stupid and adds nothing to overall story. It just makes dumb artificial drama. Especially since he basically gets over it at the end. It also means Haru sleeps through most of the tournament. Missing BOTH Rin and Ikuya's races. Which pisses me off. Don't you think it would have done him good after being traumatized by his friends' losses in Sydney to see them win here? This just really bothered me. He doesn't see the qualifying relay team either. He loses the chance to cheer for any of his friends. :/ This was a dumb choice. F minus. - So there's a scene where Makoto and Ryuuji are discussing Haru's decision to do the relay and Ikuya and Rin are hanging outside the closed door and Ikuya asks if Rin should be in there and Rin is like "Our relationship isn't like that." And honestly, WTF. This isn't a private moment. They are literally discussing Haru doing a final tournament swim. You know the thing you've been pushing him along for YOUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP. You can cry on his face, hug him and pour out your heart, wake up at his bedside... But sure, listening to him discuss his swimming plans THAT'S TOO MUCH FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. what the actual fuck. And this comes AFTER Rin says he's going to stop playing it cool around Haru. >_< I know it's supposed to be a callback to FS1 where Rin tells Ikuya his relationship with Ikuya is "more complicated than that." But COME ON. - I don't know why anyone is in Hungary. This scene makes no sense. Are they there for a race? Why is Makoto there? Why is Makoto looking around for someone (presumably Haru) and then being shocked to find him? Why does Ryuuji know that Rin is in Hungary but Makoto has to tell Haru that? Why does Makoto have to tell Rin that Haru is there? WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING???

- I don’t think they actually really resolved Makoto’s whole thing he needed to tell Haru in FS1. They set it up as this big moment of Makoto needing to tell Haru something and have him flashback to bb Makoto chasing after Haru and being blocked by goldfish. And I guessss it’s supposed to be the backstory Makoto tells him about him and Nagisa. But this just feels very weaksauce compared to how this was set up as some BIG IMPORTANT THING in FS1. And if it IS the big important thing that Makoto was pining to tell Haru all of FS1... Haru’s blasé reaction is EVEN WORSE. orz

- Wait! I forgot to complain about the utter insanity of making Momo and Ayumu team captains. Momo has the emotional maturity of a kiwi and Ayumu CAN’T EVEN SWIM. Do they even have enough swimming members for a relay team at this point? Captains have to swim! They need to demonstrate things and be the team representative. You don’t always have to SHOW the captains, KyoAni. It’s okay sometimes for people to just mention their new captain and say they’re learning a lot. Just. SIGH.

THE HORRIBLY MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

- Nao. Just Nao. Basically they gave the recovery arc to Sousuke and forgot Nao entirely. HS sets it up so his eye operation isn't supposed to have a long recovery and he can swim again. DF sets it up so he has to keep recovering so he can swim again. WHY DOES HE NEVER SWIM WITH NATSUYA WHEN THIS IS CLEARLY SET UP AS A THING THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN? Why is he doing virtually nothing this whole movie? I guess he helps training with Makoto a little but it's barely there. What a wasted character. 

- Natsuya wasn’t used that great here either, but at least he got to relay and react to Ikuya’s win. They were still cute. And yeah, at least Nao and Natsuya are cute now and then. I’m just overall disappointed with both their arcs. Especially since Ikuya got less focus in FS2 so the whole Kirishima brothers taking on the world thing lacked proper oomph. I’m not as disappointed with Ikuya since he still gets to relish his win and he is overall AROUND.

- Rei. Rei does nothing. Woo he makes some bracelets. This is a far cry to Rei's role in Season 1 and Eternal Summer. He is basically there to be cute with Nagisa and nothing else. He doesn't even qualify in Nationals so his whole learn to swim arc is ongoing I guess. He never even gets a suitably meaningful scene with Haru or Rin. Which is the MOST disappointing part of all. But he just feels really flat in this. - Albert. He just really needed more time in this. We needed to see more of his rivalry with Haru. We needed to know if he actually broke away from his mean coach. We needed to see more of his pure swimmer side. He just feels there for Haru to have a goal beyond wanting to swim with Rin. Not well executed. - Kinjou. Again, why didn't we see his redemption arc? Why did he suddenly change between FS1 and FS2? I love Kinjou in FS2 but it just feels so abrupt. And they barely resolve his issues with Hiyori or Kiyo. It's upsetting. - Asahi and Rin Connection. Come on, you had a huge scene with them. You couldn't have fit in a moment of Asahi seeing a pic of Rin's dad at the tournament and pointing out his own father in the pic. KyoAni connected every character under the sun after Eternal Summer but they couldn't even manage the ACTUAL meaningful connection between characters. No instead we get Ai and Mikhail being relatives. :/ This was so friggin' simple. Fail.

- THE FRIGGIN SAKURA TREE. I know they do this beautiful metaphor with the night pool and the way the lights are like blossoms and the colors and it’s great. But you found a way to get Albert’s friggin’ father to Iwatobi but you can’t get Rin and Haru back there to see the damn tree bloom. The thing that has been promised since Season 1, since the Eternal Summer Drama CD. It’s like YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB... I still can’t believe they failed this. What we got was beautiful but I can’t pretend this doesn’t irk the hell out of me. >_< - This isn't really a missed point. But dammit Asahi don't sell yourself so short. You qualified for the national team. YOU CAN DO THIS DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAM. ;;b JUSTICE FOR ASAHI. He suffers the fate of butterfly swimmer. There are just too many butterfly swimmers. 8(

Overall, despite the WTFs and missed opportunities, I did truly love this movie and think it's the perfect ending to Free and the story they set up since Season 1. I'm amazed they managed to pull this off, given their need to showcase EVERY FLIPPING CHARACTER THEY EVER INTRODUCED. But it somehow worked and RinHaru's relationship shown as the centerpiece it always has been. What a ride, Free fans. What a ride.

P.S. Listen to the OST. It’s sooo good.

P P.S I am doing a terrible job of paying attention to the food in these books because they're audio books and I'm driving and that's now how my brain works. #EHDHThat'sNotRightThat'sNotThe # #ZHUDon'tEvenknow what the fuck I have.

We cannot wait to stop this car and read whatever the hell the end is at the last last text messages.

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Translation: PPS I am doing a terrible job of paying attention to the food in these books because they're audio books and I'm driving and that's not how my brain works. #ADHD [but then Holly forgot the letters of ADHD, said the wrong thing, then Siri picked up her stream of conscious rambling as she tried to fix herself]

I cannot wait to stop this car and read whatever the hell the end is on the last text message.

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**Note: Holly was driving alone, so this must be the moment that Siri became sentient

poor Gabriel stream of conscious ramble ahead.

Its been an interesting journey with for Gabriel. Much like another questionable father I went from hating the guy to loving the guy. However unlike the other father Gabriel has...done not much to improve as much as he could, though that strongly comes off as the writer’s fault. Like they didn't make the already strained relationship feel completely natural in the way it absolutely dropped despite the attempted moments of connections between the two. It feels more sudden and not naturally gradual, but anyway onto my main point. [Like RIP and farewell to my favorite moment.]

Okay with Evolution having happened and with the way it ended I need to going into a few things. First of all when Gabriel and Nathalie eventually meet again it’s going to be very awkward and tense and it’s a matter of what happens next. I don’t think it would be good for Nathalie to instantly go back to aiding Gabriel with his Hawk Moth deeds not to mention it would be good writing (...) for what is a really good step progress. Yet I do believe that she will still be working with the Agreste Brand, but only for Adrien’s sake, though how she even proceeds there is up in the air.

But as much as I don’t like how they had Gabriel act in terms to the USB. At the same time...I can sort of see it? Kinda of. I think it might be because I really don’t like how Ephemeral Gabriel chose to abandon the presentation of his 100th collection to akumatize Bob. Especially cause the collection was a dedication to Emilie who we know he (at least feels like) pretty much deifies her. But despite what that episode showed it kind of flows into Evolution in that with the way things have been going. Although his goal is (or should) be to bring back Emilie he has become somewhat more obsessed with besting Ladybug. Like to the point that in the episode after being told off by Nathalie and when his anger finally boils over, he doesn’t simply scream. Something that would have been great, emotional and character appropriate; but he instead screams (also character appropriate as of now) Ladybug’s name as if it was her fault cause that’s just where he is and has been going. Every failure is Ladybug’s fault even when it’s moments of him getting greedy or getting ahead of himself. 

I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Gabriel isn’t planned to be killed, jailed or redeemed (the later I’m not as happy about but I can easily deal). Though I fear them putting into a coma as well. I feel that not jailing Gabriel at best will be rationalized as for Adrien’s benefit or at Emilie’s request (if she’s actually brought back). Or hell the man might actually end up on the run. But if he remains in Paris with Adrien I feel like he’s just going to recede into himself. 

Like not this closed off manner that he has through out the show like, just go into the depths of his mind and probably not really mentally be there for things. I can see the fashion line going down in quality as he is just sort of going to through the motions. If or any moment he surfaces to interact with the world it’s a strong point of tension. I don’t see Gabriel being able to handle things well. He’d either have one of two reactions when confronted with deserved criticism or with the various mess of his relationships. It’s either a pitiable manner of listening and fumble failing with trying to make amends or with extreme defensive and accusing anger. After which of either he would just contemplate what happened realize his fault and just withdraw back into himself. 

No matter what though this man is going to fall apart this season and I honestly find that so sad and pitiful. I think even if I did still hate him I would feel this way. With Nathalie abandoning him essentially he’s taken a major big step towards that direction. He just lost (again thanks to the failed writing with his and Adrien’s relationship) his biggest support line and the one person that brought across the fact that he’s still very human. 

His relationship with Adrien is gone (as I state multiple times, sorry). Though I think he might have partially realized that in some regard when Felix as Adrien sort of shut Gabriel down. Emilie is still in a coma. Audrey and Tomoe are strictly business relationships. And he has no love for Amelie and Felix. Honestly the only other connection he has is kind of Nooroo. Despite everything Nooroo has on a few occasions, much to Gabriel’s chagrin, hit the nail right on the head when it comes to Gabriel’s emotions. I almost think it’d be ironic if the kwamis start making Gabriel start to partially think somethings through as they are somewhat his new (maybe only, as Nathalie was apparently was in charge of grimoire notes) source on information on Miraculous information and whatever more. 

Either way when Gabriel hits the point of being all alone it will be when things get bad. At the same time though if his sanity and goals continue to go askew he might not even know what to do with the miraculous at the end. It could make sense given that they are trying to fulfill something with Lila and its a little hard to tell what’s going on with Felix, who while a tiny bit of a bastard isn’t really aiming for anything malicious. Nathalie has a goal, but isn’t as aggressive about saving Emilie and has common sense remaining and there’s really no other option, but this is about Gabriel. 

And I think that I’m pretty much done. I think I was going somewhere or somewhere else with this, but I pretty much ran out of fuel so here it is.

🌿 Do you believe we are here to understand ourself?

Sharing some ramblings after investigating l understanding and knowing (self/others) recently through my work and the various projections within understanding via communication, control, and either gaining, maintaining or avoidance patterns.

I used to believe “why we are here” was about understanding - but when understanding arrives do we then really ever understand ourself, see ourself, know ourself? ** if understanding comes from mind…

Within Human Design I have the 43-23 and 2 x 21st gates (shadow control) and it’s interesting where this plays out personally… the 43-23 likes to think it knows and understands

“I know, I know”.

Collectively right now the 43-23 channel is active in ALL personality nodes until sometime in July…

So, I began mapping unconscious thought streams (limiting beliefs) around understanding and to be (feel) understood.

🌿 Bypassing conscious thought and tapping into bodymind awareness where test case studies for further validity

What followed are thought patterns and limiting streams in line with

“I have to make sense of (understand) everything to avoid feeling out of control”

Or

“I have to be (feel) in control (understand) to avoid not being (feeling) misunderstood or put of control”

This appears more Common in people with open Ajna or head centre…

To help drop out of mind we can ask quantum linguistic questions..

Q. What would happen if you didn’t understand yourself?

A. I wouldn’t understand myself

Ok then what would happen if you didn’t?

……

Then what would happen?

Usually an avoidance pop’s up or to gain, or maintain a certain state of being, the self we are identified as…

I continued… What wouldn’t happen if understanding yourself didn’t mean you are in control?

Or what would happen if understanding yourself did mean you’re in control?

For some not understanding brings up ‘fear of the void’ or “The Well”

A deep rooted Fear of not knowing…The unknown.

Q. What if you lowered the bucket into “The Well” and entered open, formless, spacious, timeless, expansiveness that is the void …. Aka YOU.

What if one of the greatest gifts is in not knowing?

I get that Collectively this comes as a struggle because we are raised to know.

Education based systems from an early age are set up to study, know, remember, and retain copious amounts of information.

A process that may relieve or create mental pressure 🤔 For some permanently and for others temporarily.

🌿 In Human Design my profile is a 5/1 Splenic Projector. I LOVE diving deep, investigating, exploring and reflecting through moment by moment intuitive awareness.

Using mind to bring awareness, observation, and witnessing rather than to know or understand…

Because I see what works and doesn’t work for us individually and as a collective.

Basically… when we stop trying to make sense of our sense making and stop reflecting that in trying to understand others, We free up ALOT of mental, physical and emotional energy in releasing need, want, desire to understand and/or be understood.

Enabling ‘inner authority’ and conscious awareness * the bodymind* to choose and thrive Vs mind based control and knowing

Cos’ we never really know!

And Hello True (inner) Authority uniting Vs inner/outer control.

I may explore this further and as always am open to hear your POV’s…

Emma 🌿🤍

#selfawareness #genekeys #quantumlinguistics #kinesiology #humandesign