having one (1) moment of rest after. gestures vaguely to All Of Today and i really am just that last pic. sprawled out on hotel bed fucking freezing bc its cold in here headphones turned up real loud listenint to smfsd for what must be the 20th time today

Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.

Real Life Tasks With Ransom Drysdale

An Advent Calendar of 24 Normal Human Tasks As Performed By A Huge Man Baby

Day Five: Anyone Can Change A Tire, Right? 

Warnings: Bad Language Words, Hint of Smut. 

Pairing: Ransom x Reader

A/N: We are having so much fun giving Ransom everyday tasks. 🤣 The poor Man Child is really hopeless, but he is giving it his best effort. Just wait till you all see what else @what-is-your-plan-today​, @jennmurawski13​ and I have planned for you all. 

Happy Reading! 

Series Masterlist

“Ransom, I'm running to the store. Do you need anything not on my list?” You call out while you're grabbing the keys off the hook near the door, when Ransom pops from around the corner having heard his name. 

“Yea, cookies. I'm all out.” He said, wiping his hand dry on a dish towel, just finishing up with cleaning up from a light lunch you had made the two of you earlier. 

You narrow your eyes at him, knowing exactly what he wanted, the sweet buttery cookies of his that was your man's sweet tooth addiction, Biscoff. “You are sure we don't have any in the pantry Ransom? Because I swore I ordered some just last week off Amazon.” 

“Yea, last week Y/N. That was days ago, those are gone.” he tossed the towel over his shoulder, hands falling to hips as his brows shot up at the absurdity of your statement. Last week, cookies never lasted that long with him.”I'm sure it's like… I'm experiencing sympathy pregnancy cravings.”  

You looked at him like he was being ridiculous, which he was. “Sympathy pregnancy cravings? Bullshit, you just never been told no. Fine fine, you're like a damn dog with a bone for those things.” You shake your head while heading to the garage muttering to yourself ‘Pregnancy symptoms my ass, why couldn't he have had morning sickness like I did.” 

“Like a dog with those and you Princess.” He retorts with a smirk when you look over your shoulder at him, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and you close the door with a loud snap just so he knew what you thought of that, which he chuckled a bit knowing he had gotten under your skin with his teasing. 

Ransom was thinking to himself what a job well done, he managed to get the kitchen looking halfway decent and got you riled up a bit when he heard the soles of your shoes against the linoleum behind you. Turning, he smirked at you, cocky as ever. “Change of heart? Gonna let me go all ‘dog with a bone’ on you?” He lewdly suggested with a twist of your earlier words on you when you shook your head. 

“First, hell no. Talk about mood killer Ransom, and secondly my car has a flat. Let me have the Beamers keys.” 

His entire demeanor shifted when he heard that, the teasing playboy attitude dropped. “What do you mean a flat tire? Was it flat last night?” 

You shrugged and held out your hand, waiting. “I don't know, I will set up someone to come out and change the tire. But I do gotta go Ransom, our friends are coming over and the store made me a platter that they are expecting me to pick up within the next hour. Can I have the keys, please?” You added an emphasis on the please, wiggling your fingers. “I promise to take utmost care of her, not a scratch.” 

“Why? I can take care of it right now.” Feeling extra confident now, he hung up the towel that was over his shoulder and pulled out his phone. “Just youtube it, how hard can it be?” 

“Ransom, have you ever even changed a tire?” you set your bag down, looking doubtful that something like that could be learned so quickly on youtube, in which he shrugged. 

“People do it all the time.” He settled at the counter to watch the video, while you peeked over his shoulder. 

“You just don't want me driving the Beamer.” You poke at his side, making him hiss and shaking you off. 

“No, I can just have you in your car soon enough. Besides, there isn't really any space in the Beamer for groceries.” He bluffed, and you waved a hand at him while leaving the room. 

“Sure there isn't, let me know when it's all set Ransom.” You laughed, heading towards the back of the house, wondering how soon he was going to give in. 

Ransom was sure to change his clothes and headed out to the garage. His beloved Beamer on one side and then your piece of shit car that he had been begging to get rid of. You though seemed attached to the Subaru and was loath to trade it for something new. Like the Mercedes Benz GLS-Class that he had his eye on. Walking around, he found the flat, and inspected it. The tire seemed to have picked up a nail somewhere. The garage he had fully equipped once he moved in, at the time just so he could show it off to his drinking friends what he had and they didn't. But now it would prove to be useful, he could just hear his mother now. “Just call someone.” 

Well fuck it, he could take care of his family, and rolling his sleeves up muscular forearms, he was ready to prove it. 

It was a good hour later when you went to the kitchen to grab a snack from the refridgerator, and with your hand in the pickle jar, you heard Ransom clang something against the cement floor followed by “Son of a fucking cunt whore.” 

He was pissed. 

You ease the door open to see him with the car half jacked up, the wheel off and bouncing down the length of the garage, with Ransom trying to chase after it. 

“Ransom are you okay?” You ask when it bounces off the bay door and spins to a final stop. Huffing, Ransom grabs it and rolls it back to the car. His arms are streaked black and there's dirt all over his face. The only thing that looks clean are his bright blue eyes at this moment. 

“Fine, peachy, fucking fan-god damn- tastic.” he says sarcastically, and then the tire accidentally bumps into the stool, and on that stool is all the tires lug nuts, scattering them across the garage floor. 

“You vicious little bitch.” He mutters while dropping the tire to its side, looking at the mess made. You take your chances and approach him, biting your lip. Maybe this wasn't the best moment, but those pregnancy hormones had kicked in seeing him do such a filthy job. His hair was sweaty and spiked where he must have ran his hands through it several times, his tee shirt clung to him just right to outline some of the muscles, and sweat streaked down his back. 

Hell you didn't know if you have ever been so fucking turned on in your life, but you weren't about to miss out on it because your husband was getting pissed at a tire. Grabbing the back of his shirt, you caught his attention enough to turn. He was clueless at the moment, but you wrapped your hand around the back of his neck and pulled him down to meet you, lacing your tongue over his lips till he opened to you in a surprised grunt. 

When his head jerked back, he looked down at you in shock. “What the?” 

“Ransom your so fucking hot right now, and I want you.” You stunned him again and your hand tugged at the hair at the base of his neck. “You going to keep me waiting, Ran?” 

“Oh fuck no… “He pulled you back in close and you two shared another dirty aching kiss, backing up till Ransoms back hit the car, making the car wobble unsteady and the jack holding the car up collapsed. The crash made you two spring apart, both with a scream as you both backed away from the car in shock. 

You two looked at each other and you loosened your hold clutching Ransom’s shirt in fright and shock. 

“Ransom, will you let me now call someone, please?” You breathed out in a rush, your heart still pounding as you glanced up at him and he tried to compose himself, but you could see that he was still shook up. 

“You know what… Good idea. How about I drive you to the store in the Beamer instead? Let me just go get cleaned up.” 

“Wait!” You stop him, running your hands up his chest and biting your lip. “Before you do…” You drifted off, your eyes shining a bit more and Ransom arched a brow, the previous fright starting to fade. 

“This is doing something for you Princess?” He scoffed a bit, gripping your hips, letting his fingers dig slightly into the curve while pulling you closer so your bump pressed lightly into his stomach. “What happened to ‘I gotta be there asap Ransom, I can't leave them waiting.’ ?” 

You shrugged, tugging on his dirty tee shirt. “I have never seen this side of you Ransom, and I already called the store, they know we are going to be late.” 

“Well if that's the case.” Ransom got a devilish look and snapped a hand against your ass. “Let’s go pretend we're putting another baby in you.” The two of you heading back into the house, tugging at one another's clothing.

TW: ableism, bullying, violence, very ranty, some ableist slurs (they’re not written out but they’re mentioned in-context/as I talk about what I’ve experienced over the years, fuck off, don’t be a clown)

I’ve been thinking about this a lot this weekend specifically, had a convo with dad in the car that ended up being sorta a little bit triggering ig that set it off.

No one ever talks about how alienating it is to grow up disabled. I’ve always been disabled, from the moment I was old enough to have memories of anything, my legs have been messed up. And it’s never gotten better, it’s only gotten worse. And even tho I wasn’t officially diagnosed till I was 21, I’ve always been neurodivergent growing up. But I didn’t have that diagnosis, so I grew up thinking that there was something horribly wrong with me. That it was my fault that I was hyper-interested in things that were “unimportant” to other prepubescent children my age and absolutely not interested in the other things (that was also the closet queer showing but that’s not as relevant to this particular talk post so I’m not gonna dwell on it) And no one likes to talk about what it’s like to deal with that. Because the truth is it’s a lot of SHIT.

How everyone’s default, whether abled people or even other disabled people is always “someone has it worse, stop making excuses so you don’t have to do stuff”

As if we enjoy not being able to do these things and it’s not, you know....incredibly dehumanising, upsetting and FRUSTRATING to not be able to do the simplest fucking thing for yourself without help. Cause unless you have money coming out your ass and can pay for any and all adaptations you need then you’re in trouble (I’ve been having these issues with the local ppl for years and I’m sick to death of it)

I KNOW the situation for SSI/SSDI or whatever it’s called in the states is worse and at least we have the NHS here, but that should not invalidate bad experiences that disabled people here have to go through too.

Like the people doing the “disability assessments” being a bunch of able-bodied pencil pushers who will sit there and tell you that “you’re not trying hard enough” to do something that they take for granted which is literally impossible for you and that’s the fucking point of it. Or that they do not seem to understand what the phrase “from birth” fucking means. It means I was born like this and I will DIE like this, jackass. So it’s not going to “need different care in 3 years time so you’ll have to do another assessment”

You know what’s more harmful for us? Having to re-apply with the same motherfucking information every 3 years, when nothing has changed. It’s stressful as fuck, and it’s humiliating as fuck too! I’m sick and tired of being told it’s “necessary” for me to have to basically take an exam every 3 years to “prove I struggle enough with my disability” just so I can get aid to pay for the help that I need to survive.

Trust me, I’d rather be fucking working a “proper” job too, but nobody wants to make allowances for my shortcomings and I’m done with making my pain and injuries worse than they already are just to please fucking ableds. I’m done with being a “volunteer” who’s expected to do part-time hours for no pay while I get verbally abused for “not doing a good enough job” because what I did was the best I’m physically able to fucking give you, Susan, I’m fucking crippled.

And for the most part I think I’m over the early trauma from my school years, but nobody ever talked about, or prepared me for, the physical and verbal abuse I’d endure from my classmates for shit I literally couldn’t control.

I still feel weird calling anybody a “friend” tbh, and it takes me a long time trusting people, because my “friends” during my formative years were just nice to my face so they could then get “more material” to take to the rest of the school so they could mock me and call me slurs (like the r word, the s word, and “weirdo” and “fucking freak”, and “the one who runs like an s-word horse”)

Or how I had to literally be taken out of PE/Gym lessons for my own fucking protection because the team that “lost” because they got “stuck with the fucking s word/r word freak” (me) lost, and I’d get the shit beaten out of me for....not being able bodied ig?? I’m sorry it’s so problematic for you, ableds. I hate it too.

I hate that I spent so much of my childhood with internalised ableism where I’d either feel like I shouldn’t exist at all, or I’d wish “my disability was worse and I’d be in a wheelchair, because then at least people would take me seriously and not hurt me as much”.

And I hate how nobody, but ESPECIALLY abled people, wants to acknowledge this shit. How the first response to disabled and disabled + ND people talking about the impact their symptoms have on their life is

“well someone else has it worse” or “well it’s not ACTUALLY that bad”

tw: capslock and cussing

_________________________________________________________

BITCH. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW, YOU’RE ABLE-BODIED, YOU’VE NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT THIS SHIT A DAY IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE!!! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT HOW MUCH PAIN I’M IN 24/7 AND HOW IT ENTIRELY AFFECTS MY DAY-TO-DAY LIFE AND ABILITY TO DO SIMPLE THINGS LIKE FUCKING EAT, BATHE, EXERCISE, DRIVE  AND EVEN SOCIALISE ETC. YOU DON’T. KNOW. SHIT.

_________________________________________________________

end of capslock

And the fact that my own dad is doing that shit, and gets arsey about it when I call him out on it, was very upsetting.

“It’s not your disability actually it’s the neurodivergence and if you just learnt to mask better you’d cope more”

as if my ND status has anything to do with my physical disability which causes me constant pain, even ON pain meds.

The pain meds don’t take the pain away,  motherfucker, they just tamp it down to a level where it’s (most of the time) “managable” and I can still attempt to do things in spite of the pain. But it still takes effort, a lot of effort, way more effort than you, an able-bodied person, have to put into doing the same thing.

The best that I can give as a disabled person is never “good enough”, because abled people will always assume that because they can do something easily/without thinking about it, that anyone else can and anyone who says they can’t is just LAZY, or STUPID or BOTH

I could probably honestly go on and on about this a lot more but I’d be talking mostly in circles at this point so I’m gonna stop myself here.

OK to RB, other disabled people feel free to add to this. Ableds CAN (and are encouraged) to reblog too but KEEP YOUR FUCKING PIEHOLES CLOSED. Thank u

So you’re getting the covid vaccine

You’ve finally gotten a hold of the health department, nailed down that elusive appointment, and the big day’s almost here. You may have a lot of questions: what will the site look like? Who else will be there? How will I feel afterwards? You may be excited; you may be nervous (and your conspiracy theorist family member hasn’t been helping).

I’m going to try to lay some of your concerns to rest. I’ve been working at my state’s vax sites for about a month at the time of writing; my information won’t apply to all states and it’s very unlikely to apply outside the US, but it may help you get your bearings and make the whole thing less alien and intimidating.

The site is likely to be run by state or county health departments, or by a local hospital, but it may not be located at a healthcare facility, depending on the number of patients they usually get. High-volume sites tend to be set up wherever they can find room for a thousand people and their cars; some of ours are hosted by sports stadiums and shopping malls. Pop-up sites are also a possibility, and will probably become more common as younger people are brought into phase. These are sent out to places like industrial sites and college campuses to get shots to people where they are. 

Most of the sites I’ve worked at are drive-thru, some take foot traffic. Almost all require you to make an appointment. (I can’t help you much with the appointment side of things; that differs significantly from state to state. Best to google it or call your local health department.) If you have an appointment but aren’t familiar with the site, drive by it ahead of time. See for yourself what you’re heading into. If they’re not too busy, stop and talk to some of the site personnel. Ask them if there’s a particular way they want you to enter from; many sites have a single flow of traffic with one entry and one exit, while others (like the one I’m at right now) are set back in a rabbit warren of back streets, half of which will be blocked off on a busy day. Scout ahead; we appreciate you being prepared. Ask questions; I guarantee I’ve answered much dumber ones.

A note on drive-thru sites: please be on your game when you’re driving. You’ll most likely be driving through tight spaces with pedestrians and other cars very close by. Know where the corners of your car are, and be able to tell your gas pedal from your brake. It sounds petty to harp on these things, but I spend my days dealing with people who straight up can’t. Keep your head on a swivel, as we say. Please don’t be that person who plows into a concrete barrier or, God forbid, one of my buddies. If you’re not comfortable driving in cramped, low speed conditions, please try to find someone to drive you. At the very least, have someone drop you off; even drive-thru sites will accommodate a walk-up if you have an appointment.

Now that you’re at the vax site, who can you expect to meet? A lot of other patients, obviously; you can’t receive the vaccine if you’re currently sick, so you shouldn’t be at an elevated risk of catching anything from the people around you. However, people will occasionally get in line thinking it’s a testing site (which they generally won’t seek out unless they’re sick) and you always have the risk of silent carriers, so it’s best to maintain a distance and mask up as applicable. 

Most sites are going to be staffed by employees of the hospital or health department running the event; depending on where you are, the National Guard may also have been deployed to assist. At my site, we have a mix of National Guard, State Guard, and Health Department staff working all positions: three of our medics are military, while on a busy day the Health Department's dentist will come out an help me direct traffic. Don’t be intimidated by the uniforms; we don’t have any authority beyond parking you in the right spot, and I don’t think any state arms their covid-response teams. And don’t thank us for our service; it’s awkward, annoying, and we’d much rather you just wear your mask and not hit us with your car. 

There may be cops onsite, depending on how bad traffic congestion is and/or how many belligerent boomers they’re expecting. (Seriously, that’s who causes the majority of our problems. If somebody’s going to start trouble, nine times out of ten it’ll be an old white person with a shit ton of money.) I wish I could say that none of them are the kind to go looking for trouble, but unfortunately I’ve known too many cops - it only takes one to ruin it for everybody. For the most part, though, this is going to be an easy-money type of assignment for them, and if they’re not in their patrol cars they’re probably gossiping with the National Guard.

 As you get up to the actual clinic, someone is going to approach you to take down your medical information. If you’re on foot, they may hand you the forms to fill out; if it’s a drive thru site, they’ll probably ask you the questions and write down your answers. This won’t take long; most sites streamlined their process while they were doing testing last year. To avoid clerical errors, a good practice is to hold up your ID and have them copy your name and address, especially if English isn’t your first language or you speak a noticeably different dialect of English.

Ok, so you’ve located the site, braved the traffic, made it past Corporal Snuffy with his clipboard, sat in The Line That Time Forgot, and now you’ve finally reached it: the Gleaming Needle of Destiny. What will the shot itself be like? Practically speaking, not all that different from the average flu shot. A quick poke in the arm, a bandaid that you don’t really need, and then you go wait 15-30 minutes to make sure you aren’t allergic to it. My buddy and I just finished our course of the Pfizer; neither the first nor the second shot gave me more than a sore arm, but my buddy got a mild fever after the second one and didn’t feel well for about 24 hours afterward. Both are normal reactions. It’s best to plan your second dose so you have some time to recover in case you do have an immune response; better to have it and not need it. However, if you break out in hives, get an itching throat, or show any other symptoms of an allergic reaction, this is not normal and you should flag one of us down immediately. Walk up to somebody, beep the horn - whatever you have to do to get our attention. You are surrounded not only by medical personnel, but by bored soldiers with a shit ton of first aid training and visions of lifesaving and glory. We will be more than willing to help you.

Once you’ve received the shot but before you’re sent off to Observation (Interminable Wait #2), you’ll receive a card with your vaccination info on it. If you do not receive one, go back and pester them until they give you one. This is your proof of vaccination; do not throw it out. If you want to get on a plane you may be required to present it as proof of not being a plague rat, and at any rate you’ll want it for your medical record. Some places may put a date on there for your second shot and use it as proof of appointment; others may require you to go make the second appointment on your own. Double check which the case is. You most likely will be getting the two-shot vaccine, either Pfizer or Moderna. I don’t know of any sites that are doing Johnson+Johnson; they seem to be encountering a bunch of PR problems already, so I don’t know how widespread that one will get. Just make sure if you are scheduling your own second appointment that you get the same vaccine type as you got for the first one; getting one Pfizer and one Moderna will result in neither being effective. The scheduling website should be set up so you can’t do that, but just double check; trust but verify. And by the way, the second shot isn't formulated any different frim the first one. It's the same exact thing in the syringe, your body just has to see it twice to be able to use it.

And that’s it! After about fifteen or thirty minutes we will have established that you aren’t going to swell up like a character from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and we’ll turn you loose upon the world. Go home, take a nap and/or some motrin for that sore arm, and then feel free to add your experiences to this post!

FANDOM: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!

EVENT: Flufftober 2020 

PROMPT: Breakfast in Bed

AUTHOR: @hopeswriting​

RATING: G

PAIRING: Adult!Verde & Adult!Fon

SUMMARY:

Verde is sick and Fon brings him his breakfast in bed to be nice.

WORDS: 915 (BONUS: 1502)

*

Fon releases a burst of Storm flames through Verde’s room, then two more before he takes a step in. He’s not fool enough to think he disabled every devices set up by Verde though, but it’ll have to do.

He puts the tray on the bedside table, and turns on the lamp.

Verde is hidden under the blanket, doesn’t move, breathes evenly as if sleeping. Fon kicks the bed.

“Don’t make me knock you out to actually get you to sleep. Hand them over.”

Verde plays dead. Fon flares his flames and he bursts out of the blanket, his skin pale, his stubble unkempt, with dark bags under his eyes, and his hair in a total disarray.

He throws his phone at him.

“The others too.”

Verde rummages under the blanket and throws a couple of more phones, gives up two laptops from under the pillows, and a third one from a secret place in the headboard.

“Your watch too.”

Verde glares at him throughout the whole process of throwing his watch at him, aiming for it to go straight through his skull if the force—and the flames—he used is anything to go by.

Fon rolls his eyes.

He fries the devices one by one with his flames, and slips in the bed. He releases one last burst of Storm flames through the mattress and the bed frame to disable the last of hidden devices.

“Be glad I'm leaving you your glasses. And speaking of them, you didn’t even take them off. How much of an idiot do you think I am?”

“A lifetime wouldn’t be enough for me to answer you.”

Fon plays deaf out of the sheer generosity of his heart. He picks up the tray, and holds it still on his lap the time for Verde to settle against the headboard too.

“How do you feel today?”

“Perfectly fine. And I have things to do, so I would like it if you could release me already.”

“You’re sick. Science told us that, or are you going to deny it? Here, try some bread.”

Verde slaps the slice of bread from his hands. “And whose fault is that? Who’s the idiot who infected me?”

“Yes, because you live such a healthy life Verde. I can’t possibly imagine how else you could have gotten sick.”

“I’m the smartest man in the world.” Fon slumps against the headboard and starts munching on the bread. “I could single-handedly bring society into a new age, a society you’re part of, but here I am.”

“Single-handedly? That’s quite rude to all your fellows competent scientists.”

“You’re right, actually. They might even contribute more than me, as I’m certain they’re not being forcefully bed-ridden as we’re talking.”

“Are you going to just keep talking?” Fon holds a spoonful to his mouth. “Here, try some soup then. I don’t want you to go on a coughing fit on me again.”

Verde drinks his soup obediently, and oh, he does plan to keep talking then? God forbid.

“Where’s Reborn when you need him?”

“On a job.”

“Where’s Luce? She can’t possibly agree with this.”

Fon scoffs. “Luce can’t save you now. She said she won’t take a step in the mansion again before we’re all proven to be in perfect health.”

Verde grumbles, and mumbles, and mutters, kicking his feet—kicking Fon’s feet, and on purpose, Fon is sure.

He slumps against him, rests his head on his shoulder, so obviously sick Fon can’t believe they managed to debate on the fact so many times already.

“You’re all incompetent.”

“For the record, Viper proposed to attach you to the bed until you’re healed, and I’m the only one who stood against that. So you might want to show some gratefulness sometimes soon.”

“You’re all incompetent, brainless, primitive, and a total waste of space.”

“You want some yogurt?”

“You’re all so incompetent, brainless, primitive, and a total waste of space, and—”

Fon shoves the spoonful of yogurt into his mouth. Verde spits it out right back on the tray.

Fon musters all the patience he can.

Was it him that also stood against Lal when she proposed to daze him in Rain flames? What an unwise man he was then.

“This is disgusting Verde.”

“That was incredibly rude. I was talking.”

Fon smiles, with teeth. “I’m listening.”

“Well, as I was saying, you’re all so incompetent, brainless, primitive, and a total waste of space, and I hate you all.” He pushes his glasses back up his nose, smirking smugly. “That’s all.”

Fon crushes the spoon in his fist, stabs it in the tray. He grabs his chin.

“You listen to me well. You will play nice with me from now on, or I will stop playing nice with you and make this whole recovery so much worse than you could imagine. You’ll never be afraid of anything more than falling sick ever again, because every time you’ll catch the symptoms I’ll come haunt you in your dreams like the most frightening omen of death.” He leans his forehead against his, and brushes their noses together tenderly. “Rightfully so. Did we understand each other?”

Verde blinks slowly, a sharp focus shining in his green eyes. “Interesting. I feel unreasonably turned on right now.”

Fon raises his eyebrow. “What’s so unreasonable about that?” He headbutts him lightly, and settles against the headboard again so Verde can rest his head back on his shoulder. “Now be reasonable and finish your soup sagely.”

*

BONUS:

I headcanon Fon as a sweetheart at heart who can and will go feral if needed, but let’s go with just Feral!Fon instead.

That’s just who he is at his core, his default state, just completely feral, Take No Shit and Give No Fuck, very indulgent to his every desire, 24/7.

Now of course he learned all about being mannered, and harmless/trustworthy looking, and sweet, and restrained because it is needed for the job sometimes, and he can play the part flawlessly, but even then sometimes he just can’t bother.

Just… No, You Live In A Society And I Intend To Break Every Last One Of Its Rules!Fon, you know?

Fon being an actual Storm à la Gokudera, but so much worse (or so much better I guess, depending on how you see it asdfgh).

And so when he meets with the other Arcobaleno, he kind of just sets the tone for all their future interactions.

------

He meets with the Arcobaleno at the meeting of the Chosen Seven, and his vibes instantly rub Reborn’s, Verde’s, Lal’s and Luce’s the wrong way.

On the other hand Skull and Viper decide to love him, and it’s the birth of such a chaotic trio, Reborn can only be jealous and admiring.

(And he can’t help but side with them whenever it’s time to face consequences, because he just can’t let such a harbinger of chaos being censored.)

------

Reborn takes one look at Fon and immediately feels so deeply offended and challenged. “I can see you’re a little shit who likes to be a pain in the ass with the people you care about, but this is my role and there can be only one of us.”

Fon takes one look at Reborn and goes “We could have been such a wonderful team, but I can see you like to be the only one in control and I don’t like being told what to do, so you will have to go down.”

It’s not even an hour in the mansion on their first day, and Fon tries to rip Reborn’s smirk off of his face, and pluck his smug black eyes, and cut off his sliver tongued all with his bare hands, because “No, sorry, I’m Take No Shit Give No Fuck!Fon, so you’ll just have to be your insufferable self with someone else.”

It’s their first fight of many more to come.

------

Luce has none of their bullshit. She is pregnant, and she can’t believe she even needs to point it out because “Hello, can’t you see this big belly of mine? You will behave or god help you.”

She straight up uses her flames on them to daze them whenever they’re about to lash out on each other too much.

Not in a way where she’s forcing her flames on them or crossing boundaries of course, but just enough they don’t want to risk losing their own limbs if they were to power through her flames.

And when she really can give no fuck either, she just straight up… fakes some kind of help-my-pregnancy-is-going-wrong induced attack.

She just collapses on the ground, wailing, her arms tight around her belly, fake tears rolling on her face, begging like she’s being murdered in the worst of way.

The others are losing their mind other this because “What if one day it’s for real??? And what if we’re too late because we wasted time thinking it wasn’t?????? You can’t keep doing this, we’re begging you to stop.”

And Luce looks them straight in the eye and goes “Well maybe it’s time for you to act like adults who are actually adulting like they should.”

And then they all laugh because “What kind of unrealistic demand is that? Woah, you’re so hilarious Luce, who knew.”

(They just start doing it behind Luce’s back like little kids being naughty and not wanting their parents to catch them.)

------

Skull takes absolutely none of their shits either and it puzzles them all because “Uhmm, excuse you? You’re a civilian?? And we’re literally the Strongest people in the world???”

And he’s like “What, like it’s hard???”

(And it really doesn’t look like it’s hard for him, and it makes them lose their mind like nothing else ever did.)

Now Skull isn’t BAMF in this, and didn’t learn to use his flames in any significant way before meeting them, but he simply has the highest amount of flames and can go on for the longest time.

(And he’s actually very high on the list of the ones whose flames have the most raw power.)

Skull just retreats in what he calls his Cocoon whenever they want to try anything.

He surrounds himself with thick, dense (and powerful) amount of Cloud flames—the others swear they could actually cut like butter—, and chills in the middle of it until they tire themselves trying to push through.

(And then when they grow out of their urge to bully/take advantage of their “weakest” link, and they actual have a healthy relationship with him, he uses his Cocoon to avoid any consequences whenever he messes with them.)

Fon loves trying to break through his Cocoon. Fon is the best at trying to break through his Cocoon. Fon gets worryingly better and better at trying to break through his Cocoon.

Skull asks for proper flames trying from Viper and Lal because hell no, he doesn’t want to find out what will happen once Fon actually breaks through.

------

Verde never regretted his intelligence more than now he has to be around these people because of it.

And it’s actually saying all that needs to be said because he actually never regretted his intelligence even once in his life before.

He takes it upon himself to be the bigger person, and just ignores them and lets them to their devices. He fully expects the favor to be returned.

The favor is not returned.

Mostly because the others always want him to help them with their new childish plan of the day, or playing referee, or tacking side.

But also they’d be simply heartbroken to have to play favorites, and so they simply have to mess with him too.

And even then Verde takes it and bears with it because he’s the Smartest Man in the World, and he has other things of utmost importance to do, thank you very much.

But he’s just a man at the end of the day, and always snap at them eventually.

It’s always the most interesting weeks to live in the mansion when he does.

------

Lal just wants some predictability in this godforsaken house. She wants to have landmarks, a routine to fall back to.

Is that too much to ask? Apparently. Is it going to stop her? It will not.

If the others aren’t willing to cooperate with her, she simply will make them do it anyway. This is a treat.

She falls in a master-and-their-pet type of relationship with them, and the others find it funny because “What, you want to train us? Good luck with that.”

It’s a lot less funny when they go “Hold on, this isn’t right, is it actually working???”

Lal finds it cute they bothered doubting her skills to begin with. One of her jobs is literally to teach people to look death in the eye and tell it to fuck off, but they thought they??? were??? going to be a challenge????

She thinks the fuck not.<3

Her team ups with Luce or Verde (or both) are feared by the others.

------

Viper is there for the sheer chaos of it all. It would be Reborn’s role but he’s too busy competing with Fon, so it’s Viper’s instead.

They’re in it for the blackmail and information gathering too. Nothing like people lashing out when you want them to be their most open selves.<3

But they’re not neutral at all, on the contrary. They’re the wild card.

Some days they want the brand of chaos that will specifically piss off Reborn, so they team up with Fon and Skull.

Some days they want the brand of chaos that will piss off everyone else but them, so they team up with Reborn.

Some days they want a brand of chaos that is organized, so they team up with Lal and Luce.

Some days they don’t want to deal with any kind of chaos at all, so they team up with Verde.

The others treat them cautiously in this regard, and they love it. They love it even more when they dig a knife in their back and abruptly switch sides lol.

They absolutely do favorites too. (Fon/Skull and, surprisingly, Verde.)

------

And you know, I’m a big Polyamory!Arcobaleno shipper but I strongly feel in this one they’re just strongly and intimately platonic.

Just, you know, Arcobaleno as Family. The Arcobaleno bonding together by giving each other the childhood they never had.

And maybe they don’t deserve it, but I love them so much so they need to have this anyway.<3

*

This verse was a lot of fun to flesh out a bit! If it spoke to you too, maybe we can talk together about this? I’d love to!

Thank you for reading! Any and all review are appreciated ^^.

Unforgettable Memories ( Daryl Dixon x Reader )

Summary: Y/N Grimes is Rick’s younger sister. You used to be in the military and have enough PTSD to last a lifetime. With Shane’s help you created the quarry camp and came across the Dixon brother’s in the woods. You bought them back to camp, but after that everything changed and you were still trying to figure out if that was a good thing or not. 

Pairings: Daryl Dixon x Rick’s Sister!Reader

Word Count: 3.2k

Warnings: Blood, guts, language (just usual twd warnings), 

Chapter 23- 

Day 25:

You and Shane had created a makeshift camp inside an abandon gas station on the side of the road. It had already been scavenged by other people, but there were still some useful items tucked away at the back and under shelves like a few canned corns and candy bars.

The two of you had managed to find some nails and with the old tool box that was already in the back of the truck, you were able to board up the windows and back doors with wooden slats. It would stop walkers from breaking in and to stop anyone from seeing inside if they happen to drive past, especially at night if you had any torches or lanterns on.

"How are you feeling? I heard you throwing up again early this morning." Shane asked, looking over at you from where you were sitting on your pile of blankets that you called a bed as you looked up from the book you had found a few days earlier. The book itself wasn't that interesting, but reading it kept your mind from thinking about the group, it stopped you from thinking about Rick, Carl, Lori and Daryl and wondering if they were still alive or not. "And don't say that you're fine because this has been going on for over a week." He added.

"I feel fine at the moment, it's probably just some bug. Give me another week and I'll be as good as gold." You replied, looking up from your book to find Shane leaning against the front counter as he stared at you. You knew he didn't believe a word you said and if you were being honest you didn't believe yourself either.

You were around Lori when she was pregnant with Carl, you knew all the symptoms and side effects of it. The tiredness, the nausea, the headaches, the strange food cravings you had been getting which were just ridiculous because you had never had food cravings in your life and not to mention you hadn't got your period yet. But, you couldn't be pregnant, that was just crazy. You couldn't be pregnant in the middle of the damn apocalypse without any doctors or hospitals. You had Shane, but that was it and as much as you loved the man like a brother, he wouldn't know the first thing about delivering a baby or how to look after one and hell, neither did you.  

"If you're not, I'm gonna make a run into that town 10 miles back and see if there's any pharmacies there or something." Shane announced as he grabbed his thick jacket and threw it on.

"Want some help checking the traps?" You asked, knowing he was going to head outside to check the old cat traps you had set up in the woods with pieces of canned meat in hopes of catching something worth eating.

"Nah, I got it." He replied, grabbing the axe he had found a couple weeks earlier as he slipped it through the front of his belt before he walked out the front door of the gas station.

The second he was gone you were up and scanning the aisles of shelving trying to find the feminine hygiene section. It only took a few seconds before you found it and like the other shelves it was practically empty. A few packets of pads and tampons lying on the lower shelf although if your suspicions were true then you wouldn't need to use them for a while.

You quickly scanned the other shelves before your eyes landed on a pregnancy test at the very back and you grabbed it. Part of you didn't even want to know, but the more logical part of your brain knew it would better to know the truth and that way you could figure out how to deal with it.

You walked into the bathroom at the far end of the gas station and shut the door behind yourself in case Shane happened to come back earlier than you expected. You sat down on the closed lid of the toilet seat as you read the instructions on the packet because you had no clue how to work the stupid thing, you had never been in this situation before.

After doing what the instructions said, you walked back out into the main part of the gas station and sat back down on your blankets, placing the pregnancy test face down beside you. You had no way of timing how long you needed to wait for, but that was okay because by the time you forced yourself to pick the damn thing up anyway you were sure nearly 10 minutes had passed.

You stared at the plastic stick in your hands for a few seconds before flipping it over as a small positive sign stared right back at you.

You didn't even know to respond as you continued to stare at the test like if you kept looking at it then it would magically change to a negative, but as the minutes ticked by nothing happened and you felt yourself starting to panic.  

You dropped the pregnancy test back down on the ground in front of you as you pulled your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them. You were pregnant, you were carrying Daryl's child and he doesn't even know about it. How the hell were you meant to bring a baby into this world? Lori was going to do it, but she has Hershel, she has the whole group and she has her partner. You couldn't be a mother, you didn't know the first thing about looking after a baby. Yes, you helped out with Carl when he was a baby, but that felt like a lifetime ago.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn't even hear Shane walk through the front door, didn't even hear him call out to you until suddenly his hands were on your face as he crouched down in front of you.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong? Y/N, talk to me, why are you crying?" Shane frantically questioned in panic and you didn't even realise you had been crying until he said it which only made you cry even more. How the hell were you meant to tell him that you were pregnant? How were you meant to tell him that he was going to be an uncle? It was going to bring up his memories of Lori and you knew it has been hard on him knowing Lori was out there possibly carrying his or Ricks baby and he couldn't do a damn thing to help. 

"Y/N, I need you to tell me what's wrong, I don't know what to do." He said, his hands still cupping the side of your face as he stared at you in worry.

"I-I'm..." You stuttered unable to finish the sentence as you pointed towards the pregnancy test sitting on the ground knowing it would probably be easier to show him than tell him. 

You watched as Shane looked towards where you were pointing and spotted the plastic stick on the ground as he stared at it in confusion, clearly having no idea what it was.

He glanced back towards you with a questioning look before he removed his hands from you as he turned around and picked up the stick, flipping it over the right way as his body suddenly froze. Yep, he must have figured out what it was.

He didn't say anything for a few seconds as he stared at the positive pregnancy test in his hand trying to process what he was seeing before he turned back towards you. 

"You're pregnant." He said and you just nodded, not trusting your voice as few tears escaped your eyes.

"Holy shit. It's Daryl's isn't it?" He asked and you just nodded again as Shane looked back down at the stick in his hands before he chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm just going to ignore the fact that I'm holding something that you have probably peed on... but holy shit, you're pregnant." Shane said causing you to smile slightly as he dropped the stick and turned his attention back towards you. Neither of you said anything for a few seconds as you tightened your hold around your knees being mindful of your broken wrist.

"I'm sorry." You whispered, not knowing what else to say because what could you say? You were pregnant, you were going to slow him down, you were going to become a reliability and when the baby is born... it'll attract walkers every time it cries, which will be all the time. Shane didn't sign up for this, hell you didn't either, but else could you do?

"No, don't apologise. This isn't your fault, come here." Shane replied softly as he dropped down beside you and pulled you into his chest as he hugged you tightly and that was all it took before you broke down crying again.

He didn't say anything for a while as he let you cry into him, whispering soft soothing words to you occasionally as he held you tightly.

"It's gonna be okay. We'll work it out, do you want to keep it?" He asked, catching you off guard by the question because you didn't even consider not keeping the baby. As much as you wanted to get rid of it because logically you knew it would be easier without having to worry about a baby on top of everything else, deep down you knew you wouldn't be able to go through with it. You couldn't get rid of the baby.

"Yeah, I think so." You answered, proud of yourself for stringing a few words together and saying them out loud as Shane pulled away from you slightly, his hand still resting over your back as he looked at you.

"Then that's all that matters. We'll work it out."

Day 91:

The two of you ended up living inside the store of the gas station for the entire winter. You did a couple supply runs into a near by town for food and any warm clothes or blankets you could find since you couldn't exactly light a fire inside the store without smoking yourselves out.

Luckily the winter wasn't too bad, it snowed a bit and it was definitely cold, but with the number of blankets and jackets you had collected the two of you were fine inside the store.

You were surprised that neither of you had gotten sick of each other yet, considering when you were kids Shane used to have sleepovers at your house with Rick all the time and you'd get sick of being around each other for 24 hours let alone being around each other for three months.

The morning sickness or more like all fucking day sickness was still frequent, but you managed to find some anti-nausea pills in the town a few weeks ago which seemed to help. You were only three months pregnant and your stomach was just starting to get a small bump to it, but it was practically invisible when you were wearing clothes.  

Shane had even surprised you one day after returning from a trip to town with a bag full of pregnancy books about dealing with pregnancy and raising a new born. He even got a couple books about how babies were delivered so he could try and learn as much as he possibly could because there was a high chance that it was just going to be the two of you when that time comes. Despite your hopes of finding the group and having Hershel help you deliver the baby.

The days were starting to get warmer now as winter came to a end and over the course of winter you managed to fill up a few jerry cans full of fuel for when you decided to hit the road again. You were excited to get back on the road and try find the group, but at the same time you didn't want to leave the gas station. It was the first safe and secure place you have had since the farm.

Day 243:

You had been on the road for a few months now, the back of the truck filled up with the gear you took from the gas station, mainly blankets, weapons, food and water. Although you were starting to run out of fuel, down to your last jerry can and that was going to cause a problem because there was no way you'd be able to walk along the road all day or live in the woods when you were eight months pregnant.

"We'll find somewhere to stay for the next few months. Some place safe where you can have the baby and look after it." Shane said, glancing over at you as you sat in the passenger seat of the truck, your hand resting over your very distinct baby bump that couldn't even be hidden with your military jacket.

"Where? We don't have much fuel left and I doubt we'll be able to find a place that's fucking sound proof because I don't know about you, but Carl used to cry and scream all the time when he was baby." You snapped, turning away from Shane as you stared out your side window and you heard Shane sigh. You didn't mean to get angry at him, he has done nothing but help and look after you this whole time. Although by now he was probably used to sudden mood swings.

"We'll find somewhere. There's a town up ahead, surely there's a building there that's suitable." He replied, his tone calm and gentle, but you knew he was fighting the urge to snap at you. Shane had always been hot-headed and easy to start an argument with and the apocalypse had done nothing by heightened those traits of his.

You didn't say anything after that not wanting to make him snap at you, although you probably deserved it for snapping at him earlier which wasn't even the first time you got angry at him that day.

It didn't take long before you reached the town as Shane slowed the truck down as you drove through the main street. Your eyes scanned the buildings and side streets for any signs of danger, but there seemed to be only a few walkers stumbling around the bare streets as you drove past which was a good sign.

You mentally took note of all the buildings as Shane continued to drive before he stopped in front of a large old fashioned building on the outskirts of the town that looked to be a library.

"Stay in here while I check the building." Shane instructed, leaving the car engine running as he reached for his door handle, but you shook your head.

"I'm not letting you go in there by yourself. I'm pregnant, but I can still shoot." You responded, pulling your handgun out your holster, not giving Shane a choice as you climbed out the truck and followed him towards the large building.

To your relief there were only a few walkers inside that Shane easily took down with his axe before you both secured the area and began bringing all your gear from the truck into the building. 

The library was just full of book shelves after book shelves and you looked forward to checking them out, but you were more focused on the reading area of the library which was full of various couches and tables that looked a lot more comfy to sleep on than the seats in the truck.

The building was in good condition despite how old fashioned it was which was good because old houses like this had thick walls which meant any walkers that walk past won't be able to hear anything outside. The library also had a fire place near the couches which was good, because in a few months it would be winter again.

"I'll go check out that day-care building tomorrow morning, see what I can find. Maybe check that grocery store a few shops over from it too, I doubt there'd be much inside, but it's worth a look." Shane announced as he jumped over back of the 'L' shaped couch opposite you as he laid down with a relaxing sigh causing you to chuckle as you leant back on the soft dark green couch you had taken a liking too.

"Thank you. I know I drive you crazy sometimes, but I appreciate everything you've done for me." You said, looking over at him as he still laid on the couch and looked to be ready to fall asleep.

"Don't start getting sentimental with me, woman. You're like a sister to me, it's practically my job." Shane replied causing you to smile slightly as you leant back into the couch, contemplating whether to have a quick nap or not before Shane started talking again. "Lori's probably already had her baby, they probably know if it's a boy or girl by now." He commented causing you to smile sadly as you thought about your family.

"Rick and I were just starting to talk about co-parenting the baby, we were just staring to get it sorted out and then later that day the herd came and well..." Shane trailed off as he looked over at you sadly.

"We'll see the group again. I don't know when or how, but we will all find each other." You replied, because you weren't ever going to stop until you find your family again.

"I can just imagine Daryl's face when he finds out that he's a father or Rick's face when he finds out that he's an uncle." Shane commented causing you both to smile as you pictured those moments in your head. Their reactions would be priceless.

Day: 280

You laid on the couch, a pillow tucked under your head as you cradled your newborn baby to your chest. Tiny fingers curled around your pinky finger as you stared down at your daughter, watching as she slowly opened her eyes and you could only imagine how weird everything must seem as she took everything in for the first time. She stirred slightly in your arms, probably not used to all the free space after being inside the womb for so long.  You couldn't believe how tiny she saw, how vulnerable and adorable she was.

She was only a few hours old, but you knew you would die for her without hesitation. 

"How is she?" Shane's voice whispered as he quietly walked back into the room after cleaning himself up and changing clothes that were dirty after he helped you deliver the baby.

"Finally asleep." You answered, your voice barely above a whisper, afraid that you might wake her up. You looked over at Shane as he crouched down beside you with a bright smile on his face as he stared at his baby niece that was currently wearing a tiny pink jumpsuit that was still a bit too big for her.

"She's beautiful. Does she have a name yet?" Shane asked quietly.

"Sophia."

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NEXT CHAPTER

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A/N- Link in bio for Masterlist. I will reblog with my Daryl Dixon Tag List, if you want to be added to the list just comment below. 

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, as I said last chapter there wasn't any Daryl in this one or the next one, but I promise the wait will be worth it. 

Hopefully I can post another chapter this weekend, but if not I hope you all have a great day and stay safe xx

🏰⚔️🐲 DMODT- 27 full

Flying with a pack saddle was a weird sensation, as Eren had never worn one before. He and Levi had been mid-fuck when Maria came for them. The dragon had been kind enough to let them finish, though Eren was kind of pissed Levi didn't knot him a third time, if Levi hadn't insisted on eating his arse out as he rode the alpha's face, maybe he would have gotten knotted again... stupid hindsight. The teen didn't know how their containment spell would work once they returned to Eldia, and waking to find his boyfriend himself, he couldn't help be greedy and want a moment for themselves, without thinking about everything that had happened the previous day. He'd pushed himself so hard he'd nearly broken, so waking in Levi's arms, all he wanted was for Levi to kiss away his pain from losing his ability to bear a clutch. He wanted to reconfirm that Levi had been scared, and that what they'd done had worked. The sex had been amazing, even with Levi's hands and ankles bound, it'd healed his body and removed his fatigue from the previous night, while healing his heart over what had happened the previous day. Levi did want him, the alpha was just struggling with his fear and the uncertainty of the future. He was at the centre of everything, but didn't understand. They'd need to talk, but first came reconnecting in the manner that worked best for them. He also may have told his lover a small lie, that he hadn't dreamt. He had. He'd dreamt of Rod Reiss not stopping, mixed with pain of having his scales torn from his skin. His dream had moved from Rod beating him, to Rod tearing the scales from his face as he was an "unworthy dragon"... All it took was Levi's warm hold to chase the fear away, and to anchor him to the moment. Supplying them both with fresh robes, Maria had forced him to eat as they walked, though Levi and the others would have to wait until they reached the castle before eating. Which Eren wasn't happy about. Sure, he might have had an insanely long day, but he wasn't hungry. All it took was thinking about the secret he was now hiding from Levi, and the uncomfortable twingings of the command in place over being honest about his health... he was stuck mentally justifying his actions in order to find relief from the command. The best argument he could come up with was that it was best Levi didn't know he might be pregnant, only for the pregnancy to slip and hurt the man even more. Reaching the clearing near where the field of cabins had been, Ymir and Historia were waiting with the rest of the Eldia party. Ymir pinching her nose as they approached. They could probably smell the sex that clung to their skins. Levi's already complained that he couldn't shower, while Eren relished smelling like his boyfriend. Reaching the group, Historia's voice was a whisper "I'm sorry you have to sneak off like this. It's hardly royal protocol" Eren didn't even think about protocol as he replied to his friend "It's ok. I'm just grateful I can thank you before we leave" "We need no thanks. Especially with all that happened" Giving him a quick hug, Ymir huffed in his direction as she released her nose. There was no real malice over Historia's hug, but she didn't look happy "I suppose I'm going to miss you" He knew he was going to miss her... He was going to miss all of them, except for Sina, and Rod. Privately, he'd hoped to see the lake again, but that was now impossible. He was going to miss watching the water dragons, and the sunsets across the water. Nope. He wasn't doing this. He had to hold his head up high and be normal "Nah. You've got Historia, and besides, you guys are always welcome" "That's a hell of a way to fly for a game of soccer" Eren shrugged, playing down the small glimmer of hope that he may see them both again some day "Then don't come. Make sure you take care of them" Even if he couldn't see Ymir rolling her eyes in the dim light of the lantern Maria held, he knew she was "Don't be like that. Eren, I know for a fact Ymir will miss you greatly. We packed everything carefully, and your trunk is labelled to help make sorting easier" Meaning that the sealed sword wouldn't be known by Erwin and Levi. They'd considered destroying it, but didn't know if that would cost Levi his life. Eren's plan was to stow is somewhere safe, where no human could ever find it "Thank you, Historia. I know... Things might be awkward with your father, but know, Eldia will continue to notify you each time a dragon passes on our soil. And we don't want war, so we'll respect your father's wishes. It's for the good of both out countries that we do" "Things won't always be this way" "And when they change, know Eldia will welcome you with open arms. Right, sir?" Levi cleared his throat, seemingly surprised he was being dragged into the conversation "Indeed. I feel as if there's other reasons to be indebted to you, but I want to thank you for looking after Eren. And I want to thank you for the hospitality you showed me before... Well, in any case. Thank you. Thank the three of you. Eren is indeed correct. You will always be friends of Eldia" "Ok. That's it for goodbyes. The others are waiting for Eren to shift so they can load the saddle up. Get out my country and stop looking at my Historia" Ymir's words caused the teen to laugh softly "Hurry up and marry her. You two are perfect together, and I can't wait to meet your children. I'm going to shift before Mikasa can start lecturing me, but once again, thank you" The sun was creeping above the horizon by the time Eren was loaded with both cargo and his passengers. By some miracle the crown and brooch he'd made Levi survived, while Armin had found and saved the one Levi had gifted him. His friend might not know how much it meant to him, but Eren was grateful. He was also sad to be returning home this way. He'd expected to be able to hold his head high, and not to be sneaking out in the cover of darkness. It made him feel like a petty criminal, while the cold air irritated his lungs. On his back, it felt weird to be carrying such a weight. The trunks were to the back of the saddle platform, placing pressure on his spine, and leaving in with the constant desire to "buck". He almost felt like a dog with a flea he needed to scratch off, and hoped to hell that this would never be necessary again. Maybe if he'd done this before, he wouldn't find it so annoying, but beggars couldn't be choosers and he wasn't risking another dragon's life over it all. Given his speed and wing span, the whole flight back to the castle was over in under half an hour. After so long, the castle seemed so foreign to him, or maybe it was the new prospective he was seeing it from. Landing in the training field, he walked his massive form over to the edge closest to the castle to make unloading easier. The soldiers that came to investigate, soon must have cursed their eagerness as they helped Erwin off his back, only for the man to vomit at their feet. He knew he shouldn't be laughing, but his tail thudded lightly against the grass while his body wiggled. The man would never make a dragon rider, even if he had two arms. Levi was fine, though it stung that he had to slip straight back into prince mode the moment his feet touched the ground. Mikasa and Armin naturally wouldn't leave him, Eren huffing in annoyance as they both leant on his face. For a mighty and ancient race, why had no one ever named the top part of the skull near his nostrils? Like, was it a "nose", or a "snout", or a "muzzle", or simply just "skull"? Whatever it was, he would have much preferred Levi's pats than being used as leaning post, especially when he had soldiers climbing up and down to unload the cargo on his back, all of which were clearly nervous, as their boots kept slipping on his scales. Hanji was the first "official" in the castle to appear, coming running right up to Levi and Erwin, before throwing her arms around them. Erwin was sent falling back onto his arse, his stump flailing as he tried to prevent the fall. Once again, Eren knew he shouldn't find it funny, but once they stepped foot back in the castle Erwin would go back to being an arse... and probably even more so without his arm. And plus, if he was laughing, he didn't have to concentrate on how shit he still felt over slicing Erwin's arm off. Less than 24 hours ago, he'd come out of a coma and straight into a shit storm. Abandoning Levi and Erwin, Hanji's eyes widened, her mouth widening into a maniacal grin that screamed she was already scheming experiments. This was home. This was his home, with all the idiots that made up the castle staff. Now he was home again, hopefully they could find some kind of normal. * There had been seem changes while Levi had been gone, and he wasn't loving them. Petra had moved her quarters closer to his, and had taken to undermining Hanji's authority by pulling the "I'll soon be the crown princess" card. She'd done a pretty terrible job, even demanding to be included in sorting the royal mail which was for Hanji's eyes only in their absence. Coming back find his personal desk in shambles, and Petra refusing to leave the sun room, as she fussed over Erwin's missing arm. He, Eren and Erwin needed to sit down and talk. Eren had obviously done something drastic. His lack of symptoms, or rather the sudden lack of symptoms, was Eren's fault. His boyfriend has said as much, but whatever Eren did, was it safe? The lack of not knowing, and the constant yammering of Petra had frayed his patience to the very end. Pinching the bridge of his nose, the woman was lucky he was above hitting women or willing to sacrifice a perfectly good tea cup by throwing it at her "For god's sake Petra. Enough. Will you please stop fussing over him, and go retrieve Eren" "My Prince?" That was another thing. Petra had started claiming him by that title... It only made him dislike his "bride-to-be" further. Pet names were only nice when they came from Eren... Which reminded him that Erwin was yet to release his commands on Eren "Petra, please go find Eren and bring him here. Make sure he understands that he's in no trouble, and if he's resting, let him. God knows we could all use the rest" "Then why are neither of you resting? Poor Levi has lost his arm. Surely that... surely the situation could have been resolved better than it was. I knew I should have come with you" That had never been on the cards to begin with. Once he'd received Eren's invitation, he'd notified everyone but Petra about his travel plans, then dropped it on her at the last moment so she wouldn't insist on coming "Look, Petra. No, you being there would have not changed a single thing. With what happened the loss of his arm was the best possible outcome in the situation. It was a tragic accident. Now, please stop this carrying on" "Well, what does Draecia say about this? Have they issued any form of compensation?" Erwin could have jumped in at any time to save him from this, but the man chose to quietly sip at his second cup of peppermint tea "Draecia is not to blame" "How can you not blame them!? Your bodyguard has lost an arm! He'll need replacing! Erwin may be skilled with a sword, but he is no longer fit to stand by your side" "Erwin will remain my bodyguard!" "I will not have the crown prince protected by anyone less than the best! Your refusal is completely unsatisfactory. I will take it upon myself to find a replacement. Perhaps even looking at a bodyguard for both of us. Especially with the wedding..." Pushing his chair back, Levi's voice dropped several degrees. The mess she'd made of his desk, and this fantasy she continued to entertain despite how many times he'd voiced his feelings on the matter... It pushed him right over the edge "Petra. You know this marriage is being forced upon both of us under the threat of war. I told you that you could stay here because our healers have been making headway with your father's condition, and you are a distinguished soldier. From the very start, I have told you I have no intention of marrying you. With recent events, the engagement will be dissolved. Now. You can leave. You've caused enough problems for both Levi and I, by undermining Hanji's decisions" "Prince Erwin?" He could hear the wobble in Petra's voice. No doubt, she'd expected some glorious reunion where he declared his love. Like that shit would happen. His affections started and stopped with Eren. That was it. And even that was up in the air... "I... I was trying to be of use to you. We are still to be wed. Prince Zeke has decreed it so, and... we've been engaged for over a year now. I thought..." He didn't care what she thought. Nor did he care for her hurt scent "No. I'm being serious here. There is a reason why Hanji is selected to act in our absence. She knows better than to rifle through documents that don't have anything to do with her. This is a reason why Levi is my right hand man, or left as it may be now. Draecia was not to blame for this incident. It was an accident caused by an Eldia on their soil... you will not pursue the matter and he will not be replaced. Now. I've had it with you. And I've had it with this mess. If you're not going to find Eren, I am. I need to talk with him about the incident that happened in Draecia. Erwin, take yourself down to see the healers. Flying doesn't agree with you, and you should have just stayed down there. Petra. Just... don't be here when I return" Gathering up his papers, he wasn't leaving them there for Petra to go through again. He knew he'd regret scrunching the paper once he got back to his quarters... but for everyone's sake, it was probably for the best that he didn't lose his temper further, less he black out again "Erwin?" "Let him go, Petra. Trust me on this" Oh, look. Erwin could fucking talk. Clenching her fists, Petra leapt to her feet, daring to glare at him "We aren't done talking. You were gone for twice as long as originally planned, and come back in a mood, and with Levi injured. Not only that. You failed to informed us that you would be bringing back... a magic user, as well as his two friends! Now. Tell me what is going on here! Do you not care about you kingdom?" "Of course I fucking do! Leading this kingdom is what is fucking up my life! I don't want to be married to someone I don't love! I would love to see this all resolved peacefully with Zeke, but Marley has made a clear move of aggression, and once things have been discussed, the engagement will be dissolved. Or at least it will be if Zeke does not wish to make his intentions public knowledge. As for Eren. Yes. I know you know his name. He and his friends have returned. Squad leader Mikasa will be returning to her previous role. Her squad will continue their protection of the port. As for you. Confer with Levi. Your father's quality of care will not be impacted" "Erwin?" This time it was Erwin calling "his" name. He didn't seem to be losing control of himself, yet he hadn't realised when he had last time... perhaps he had and missed it? "It's fine. Just take care of this" Stopping by his quarters to drop his papers off before seeking out Eren, he'd felt their bond growing stronger with proximity, yet wasn't expecting it to be because the teen was curled up in his bed snoring. Levi had thought Eren would be in his own quarters at the end of the hall. He'd kept the room empty in the hopes that Eren would return soon, and when they'd landed, he'd mentioned it to Eren before dragging Hanji away from the teen in his dragon form. The woman was already enough of a menace, and while Eren seemed to love his dragon form, it'd probably taken a lot out of him, especially given their earlier activities. Moving to place the pile of papers onto his dining table, Levi then walked to his bed, sinking down on the edge in order to untie his boots. If Eren was here, he didn't need to go searching for him... and he couldn't deny he wasn't exhausted from the last few days. One night of dreamless sleep, and morning of "recharging" sex, had been completely ruined by coming home. Shrugging his jacket off, Levi let out a soft sigh of relief. Since he'd come back in a robe, his image had taken a hit, and dressed in full garb after he'd showered, something he regretted on such a warm day, and even more so when the maid stoked the hearth in the sun room. Burning documents was the only way for them to remain truly secret, once the contents had been digested. He'd normally have opened a window, but Petra was busy fussing over Erwin's health, and he hadn't wished to cause a scene... Fat lot of good that had done. Climbing up his bed, Eren was sleeping so soundly that he didn't hear Levi shift the blankets aside, nor did he feel Levi rearranging the pair of them so that Eren's head rested in his lap as he stroked his hair. Part of him wanted to shake the omega awake and demand a thorough explanation of absolutely everything that had transpired since Eren had bolted, but another part was scared that if he did, he might not like the answer. He felt cowardly as he left Eren to sleep. The omega had bathed before climbing into his bed, and Levi was grateful for the consideration. Eren knew he tended to be a bit overly anal when it came how things had to be, yet he didn't laugh at him, nor did he hold it against him. If only he could marry him publicly. He was the kind of ruler that Eldia needed. The kind that put the people above lining their pockets. Not that Erwin was like that, but he also wasn't not like that. He refused to push higher taxes onto the society elite, out of fear of rebellion, even when that money could be used to better fund places such as orphanages. No. He let them keep their money, and he was rewarded with polite conversation to his face. As far as Levi was concerned, they were all fat pigs growing fatter... yet, he was no better than Erwin. He could force the tax issue, but if he did that and it turned to rebellion, it carried a risk of war and that was what he thought about. About all those people forced into the underground. The families torn apart. The smugness of Marley grinding Eldia to dust... He didn't know when his mind set began to change, only that it was now too late to change it. Not that he would allow himself to be walked over, like Eren would. The kid had... well, he didn't quite know. It sounded like Rod had struck him for disagreeing with him, but he distinctly remembered Eren being far too bloody for just a single hit, and the teen's magic would have healed him immediately. When Eren woke, he wasn't going to fall for the charms of his gloriously plump arse, nor for the charms of his thick thighs, and tight arse that was made for him. No. He was going to have that talk with Eren, and Eren wasn't worming his way out of it. Letting Eren sleep, Levi nodded off. The pair of them were woken by solid knocking on Levi's door. Whining softly, Eren nuzzled into Levi's stomach "I'm sorry, but I need to get up" "You're comfy" "I'm glad you think so" As the knocking continued, Levi growing annoyed. What was the point of having guards if they weren't going to stop people from annoying him "Who is it?!" "It's Petra. May we please speak? Please?" In his lap, Eren shot up "Shit" Levi couldn't help but smile at the teen's obvious panic "It's ok. I told her I didn't want to talk to her" "You can't avoid her" "I may have snapped at her earlier. Erwin was supposed to be talking to her about it" "Because Erwin is the most eloquent man in existence..." "Prince Erwin?!" "Not now, Petra!" Eren frowned at him "She's your fiancée" "I told her were legally finding a way to dissolve it. I mean. I'm cursed. The last thing I need is to lose my temper and kill her" "You won't kill her... wait... Did you tell her your infected? Are you feeling symptoms?" "Nope, and no" Levi blinked in confusion as Eren grabbed his shoulders, staring straight into his eyes "This is serious. Did you feel anything at all? Any anger? Any rage? Did you do anything?!" Levi shook his head, taking Eren's into his. Eren's concern scared him. It made him question if there had been other times he'd blacked out without knowing... "No. I mean. I was mad, but I don't think I blacked out. Petra no doubt would have said something, and if not her, Erwin" Eren slumped with relief "Ok. Ok. That's good. It means everything is working. But you need to tell me if you feel any symptoms at all. Headaches. Nightmares. Hallucinations. Even small things..." "Eren. You need to tell me what you did. You said you did something to ease this, but what? I don't understand how. I'm infected with Obsydin. That's it, isn't it? That's why I'm blacking out. Why I'm getting angry. Why our bond felt strange... I'm infected and you did something about it. Now, I need to know what" "It doesn't matter" "Eren!" Scrambling off Levi's bed, Eren threw his hands up "It doesn't matter! I did what needed to be done. I sealed the sword, ok. Historia and I sealed it so it would never be drawn again. But I don't know if what we did will hold, so I need to know. I need to know that it's still in place... that it wasn't all for nothing!" Climbing off his bed at a much slower pace, Levi kept his movements slow and deliberate, so as to not scare Eren "Please, Eren. Just tell me. I'm not going to force you, and you can choose not to, but I won't be mad" "I can't. Not this. Please let me keep this one to myself" Wrapping his arms around his stomach, Eren's scent was growing distressed as he hunched over "Hey... what's happening?" "C-command. I'm going against your command..." "No. No, you're not. I told you that you didn't have to tell. You can have this secret, for now. As long as your honest about why you appeared covered in blood. What happened?" "You mean I didn't have to tell?" Yes. Levi would love more than anything for Eren to tell... but if he got him talking, his omega might just let it slip "Not right now" Eren slipped back to the bed, just out of his hold. His body language yelling that he didn't want to be touched "It was Rod. When I yelled about the sword, he heard... you know, about how we dragons and riders have super senses. He sent Sina after me... He... uh. Lost his head about everything and took it out on me" "He hit you?" "He did a bit more than that" "I'm going to fucking kill him!" "Wait... We can't. We can't go to war over something so pathetic" "Pathetic? He hurt you. That's not ok. That's never ok" "He just lashed out. It healed, and besides, he's a small man scrambling to control a dying race. He was scared!" "He fucking hurt you! What did he do? Bash the fuck out of you!? Break a few bones?! Well that just magically makes it ok!" Eren flinched away, just as a loud crack came "Prince Erwin!" Kicking open his door, Petra had her sword raised as she looked from him to Eren. Her face filling with anger and disgust, probably over the fact Eren was seated on his bed, which had clearly been slept in. Well this was awkward. His lover, and his fiancée "Petra! What do you think you're doing? These are my private quarters" Sheathing her sword, she stood taller "I heard yelling" "As you can see, everything is just fine" "It is not fine. What is all of this? An infection? Eren using his magic? What is with his face? Are those scales? Is he sick? Is he infected? Did he cause the incident in Draecia? The loss of Levi's arm?" Levi loved the scales on Eren's face, the bright shimmering greens were beautiful. Growling, he moved to place himself between Eren and Petra "None of this is your business or concern" "I'm your fiancée!" "No. You're just..." Grabbing Levi's arm, Eren tugged him back "What Prince Erwin means to say it that the matter of infection has been handled. Levi lost his arm due to his own carelessness. He knows it, we know it, and Draecia knows it. However, over that incident, Prince Erwin was not given a full explanation, which is why I am here. As you have noticed, I do have scales on my face, but I am not contagious. I would not place the Eldia people in danger over such a thing as a contagious infection. Now. The prince is tired. Draecia is a joyous, and free country, which may be hard to handle if you are not used to heights and flying. The Prince will had time to talk to you about all of this, but not today or tonight. Surely you must understand, from your time with soldiers who experience traumatic events, the mind needs time to heal. For now, that is the best thing for them" "Then I expect you shall be leaving too?" "Indeed. As you mentioned, we were yelling, but for now things are sorted. The Prince has nothing to fear" The shit. He'd taken Petra's game and turned it back on her, and for that the woman looked livid. Not that Levi wasn't also mad. Eren had wriggled his way out of telling him everything again. Rising, Eren made towards the door, Levi grabbing him by the arm in a return of the gesture "Actually Eren, there are a couple more things I could use your help with, before you do leave. Just things to do with Draecia. Petra, please leave. As Eren said, I need to rest, so this will be short" Petra glared for several long moments, before huffing and rushing out, slamming the door behind her. Pulling Eren up against him, Levi shook his head "Don't let her walk over you" "We need to be more careful" "No..." "People can't know about us, and even if you and I had been together before I left, can you imagine the fallout? Petra knew we were sleeping together, and she's probably going to make sure the whole castle knows before long" "She wouldn't. Her pride would let her" "We can't leave it like this. I really should be going" Levi nuzzled into Eren's neck, he didn't want to be left alone, or Eren walking the castle alone. They'd never discussed the fact his marks would now be seen by the whole royal court. For two smart people, they'd acted like idiots. Levi had thought once Eren returned, things would just fall into place "You can't keep running away from me" "I'm not. It's just been a bit of a mess since I woke up" "Now? Or when you woke from falling asleep in my bed? I was surprised to find you here" Instead of nuzzling back, Eren just kept his face hidden against Levi's neck "My old quarters weren't ready, so I told the guards I had permission from you to wait here. I really needed a shower, and your bed was right there... are you mad?" "Not at all. You're welcome in this room at any time. I wish it was more permanently though" "Don't say that... I really should leave though, Petra is probably waiting outside to make sure I do" "Let her. I have honestly had enough of her shit. She talked and fussed over Erwin for two hours straight, and if that wasn't enough, she undermined all of Hanji's decisions while we were gone. The main reason I came down here was to escape her. I even brought my work here with me, though the papers may have ended up a little scrunched" Eren snorted against him, pressing a kiss to neck, before pulling away "Then you should get started. My room should be ready by now" "And if I asked you stay?" "Will you do all your work?" "Of course I will, brat. I'm not you" Eren gave him a warm smile, his eyes sparkling with more happiness than he could remember seeing since... if sex didn't count, then the last time would have been before the sword incident "Then I'll stay. But you have to do all of it" "I know. Seriously. Petra has no idea the amount of work she's made for me" "I think her intentions were in the right place" "I'd really rather they weren't. Are you hungry? I can send for food" "I could eat, but you're just trying to get out of work" "I am not. I'm simply worried for you" "You don't need to be, and please, don't worry about your own condition so much. I mean, I still need to know if symptoms present, but don't be afraid to be yourself" "If I was myself, I wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. But then again, it is because I am, that I met you. The centre of all my affections" Eren gave him quick kiss, before walking over to the bed and sprawling across it. His long legs slightly spread, but unfortunately covered by the pair of black pants he was wearing. Waving his hand towards the dining table, his voice took on a mocking "royal" tone "And you are mine, my good sir. Now, get to work" * Falling back to sleep in Levi's bed, his boyfriend woke him when he joined him for the night, insisting he strip out of his tight pants and tunic in order "to be more comfortable", while Eren was sure that it was because his boyfriend was a sexually insatiable. To Levi's credit, the man had poured over the paperwork, while Eren had offered suggestions and calmed him when his alpha grew annoyed or angered. Curling around him, Levi nuzzled at his neck, then promptly fell asleep. Eren would have laughed if it hadn't run the risk of waking his alpha. Sometimes Levi reminded him of a small child, especially with how peaceful he looked as he slept... but he couldn't help but wonder if they'd even be laying here like this, if Levi knew the truth of what he'd done. When the morning came, Eren slipped out from under Levi, in hopes of stealing the first shower given how much he'd slicked in his sleep. He'd barely stepped under the warm water when Levi was joining him. Biting his bottom lip lightly, Levi jerked his erection slowly as his eyes travelled down Eren's body "See something you like?" "Something like that" "Only something?" "I see a lot of what I like, and a sneaky little shit who crept out of bed" "I slicked in my sleep" "I know. The sheets are still wet with it" Leaning in, the teen stole a quick kiss "Are you going to punish me for it?" "I think I might..." "Then get on with it. I have a room to unpack and you have a kingdom to rule" Releasing his erection, Levi stepped under the running water, pulling Eren close by his hips, both moaning into the heated kiss as Levi's hands slipped to grope his arse. Feeling the gently prompting with his fingers tips, he let himself be lifted by his arse, legs wrapping around his alpha's waist "I'm going to fuck you so hard" "Good..." Pinned against the shower wall, Eren had come the moment Levi had pushed in, so aroused from whatever he'd been dreaming about. Laughing at him between kisses, Levi then took his time to thoroughly fuck him senseless, until he was literally boneless in his arms. The alpha had way too much stamina when it came to drawing out the pleasure, and turning him into a babbling mess. Coming a second time, didn't slow Levi at all. Over stimulated and feeling full, Levi finally picked his pace up, knotting him a long grunt. Letting his legs go limp, he was held in place by Levi's panting form "Eren?" "Mmm" "You ok?" "Mhmm" "Good" "You?" "Mhmm" "Good. Fuck... Would it be rude if I spent the whole day in bed?" Levi kissed his chest, before rubbing his cheek against the spot "Do I get to spend it with you?" "No. You've got to be princely" "Then yes. Incredibly rude. So rude I don't know what to say" "I'm not spending it in your bed..." "That's even worse. I wanted to finish our conversation yesterday, but paperwork happened" "What was left to talk about?" Couldn't they just bask in the pleasant afterglow? He liked the afterglow. He liked the way Levi's knot was caught him, and the way his alpha's penis swelled to stretch him wide open as the alpha's seed flooded into him. He liked the way their bond felt stronger and how his magic loved the alpha just as much as he did. He didn't want to keep using his words "About how certain you are over the sword being sealed? This relationship. What we're going to say about scales?" Ugh. Adult responsibilities. He was tired of them. Maybe he'd find somewhere else to take a nap... "I'm not ashamed of them, but I do know the danger. This relationship. I don't want to give it up. Or for anything to change. I'm a little bit dragon and you're a little bit cursed. If things change, I'll let you know. And if you change, we'll work it out. And the sword should be sealed for good. I've... placed it somewhere safe for now. To be honest, I think the magic should hold, but if anything were to go wrong, it would be during your rut, and I'm here with you. I'll do everything I can for you, so can you please just stop asking me questions while you're still coming in my arse and I'm too tired to human" "Ok... I shouldn't have pushed" "I love that you do. I just wish you'd trust that I care for you more than the rest of the world" Levi shook his head, hiding his face "I don't know how you can say such shit so easily" "Because it's true. Or at least, that is how I feel. Let me turn your word into a sword, and help you lead this kingdom. The people need their prince, and I want to be the one to support you" "What happens if you chose to leave one day?" "You foolish prince, I left you alone, you'd fall to pieces. No. No matter what, I will do my best for you and for Eldia. I love you. I can't even say your name to tell you, but I do" "Fucking commands" "It's ok... it was the right thing to do to protect the kingdom..." Eren regretted his wording. He needed to find a way to repair all of this between him, Levi and Erwin... Maybe he'd seek the man out later? If Erwin wasn't going to be the responsible one, he needed to step up. For the state of the kingdom, and for the sake of the one he loved. After eating breakfast together, Eren and Levi went their seperate ways. Eren to his room to unpack, while Levi had messages to send. Apparently there had been some kind of trouble at the docks again, and Levi had to deal with it immediately, lest Zeke get it in his head that he needed to visit again. Sitting in his small room, it felt tiny in comparison to the cabin he'd had in Draecia, and some how he'd accumulated enough junk to fill the space, or it would have if he had unpacked. While he liked his room being so close to Levi's, perhaps it was time to ask if he may use another room, or even build a small cabin for himself near where his herb garden used to be. There were so many spells and herbal remedies he wanted to try now that he was back on home soil. His nap was going to have to wait. He needed to seek Erwin out, to ask his permission, so they may as well talk while he was at it. He also needed to check in with Armin, and make sure he hadn't ended up spending every moment since his return with Hanji. The only problem the teen has was his scales. Levi had smelt concerned over it, and he wanted to respect that, yet he couldn't hide the fact he wasn't quite human. Petra had seemed disgusted by them, which he felt was incredibly narrow minded. She lived in a world filled with magic. Wherever he went, there were whispers. New soldiers had no idea who he was, while old soldiers rolled their eyes as he passed. By the time he reached the kitchens, he was longing for a familiar face, which he found in Nicollo. Sitting at the familiar table, Eren smiled at the sight of the kitchen staff bustling around. He'd never been able to sit in the kitchen of the manor like this... watching Nicollo, it was worth it. The man visibly jumped as he turned around and caught sight of him. There was a brief tug at the corners of the man's lips, before his facial features settled into a scowl "You're back" "I am" "What's with your face?" "I'm part dragon" Nicollo huffed, putting his hands on his hips "So that's why you destroyed my kitchen?" Nicollo just couldn't let it go, and instead of being annoyed, it just drove home the feeling of how right it was to be here "Yep. And I know the kitchens the real powerhouse of the castle..." "You're back five minutes and you're already making trouble" "I was just going to ask if you knew where Levi was" "I think he's with the soldiers out on the training field. You're not planning on causing any more trouble are you?" "Nope. I just need to talk to him, that's all" Turning back to the saucepan he'd been hovering over when Eren walked in, Nicollo stopped him from leaving by casually dropping "There's a rumour going 'round that there was some trouble in Draecia, and that you are the reason Levi lost his arm" Oh. So it wasn't the scales... Everyone thought he was to blame for what happened... He couldn't help but feel that this was Petra's revenge for the previous afternoon. Nope. He wasn't going to stoop to her Levi, but he might as well spread a rumour of his own, especially when he didn't want to be treated like a freak "No. Well, yes, but not like that. Levi messed around with something dangerous and it was either his arm or his life. It nearly cost both him, and Prince Erwin their lives" "Right. Off you go then" The walk down to the training field gave him plenty of time to deal with the fact that Nicollo didn't believe him. The fact he was dragging his feet only prolonged the inevitable, though it did give him plenty of time to enjoy the scents around the place, other than the stink of the stables. Draecia felt so very different from Eldia that it was hard to process they were once part of the same empire. The magic here wasn't the same, nor was the land healed the way Draecia was. Maybe he'd sprinkle a few scales when they fell? Something to booster the magic here, and something to heal the land? He loved Eldia... and what was the point of having power if he couldn't use it? His internal thoughts continued until he reached Mikasa, as well as Petra and the people he guessed were her squad. Chatting away with them, Erwin had a smile on his face, patting the stump like it was an old war wound "Eren!" Leaping up from where the group was sitting on the grass, Mikasa strode over to him "What are you doing here? Is it safe for you to be walking around?" "I'm fine, Mikasa. I see you're right back at work" "The stupid prince has decided that I'll be taking over my squad again, and we'll be moving to the port for the next few months. Levi came down with Petra to notify us. I don't see why she can't handle it, it was her post before she was engaged to the prince" Eren hid his annoyance over his adoptive sister taking her anger out on his boyfriend. The port needed someone they could trust down there, and he was kind of proud that Mikasa was selected for such a role "I heard there's been some trouble down there" "How do you know that?" "This castle is filled with rumours. Anyway, I actually came to talk to Levi" "Why? What business do you have with him? Is this something to do with your coma? Because you never gave me an explanation over that, and then all of a sudden we were leaving" "What happened was an accident, but I've been sworn to secrecy. Have you seen Armin?" "Armin was with Squad Leader Hanji last night. I haven't seen him since. Are you sure you're ok? You smell different" "I smell like Eldia soap, and I'm fine. I slept most of yesterday and last night. You worry too much" "How can I not? You know I care for you, Eren. I..." Nope... he wasn't going there today "I know, I care for you too. I'm sorry, I really need to talk to Levi" Eren raised his voice at "Levi" causing Erwin to pay attention. Helping him up, Petra remained by Erwin's side as the pair joined them "Eren" Forcing a smile at Petra, she looked as if she wanted to run him through with her sword "What are you doing wandering around the castle grounds?" "I needed to talk with Levi over something. I'm sorry for interrupting your... meeting" "Levi..." Erwin placed his good hand on Petra's shoulder "Sure, shall we take a walk?" "That'll be great. I'll see you later, Mikasa. Petra" Dismissing both female alphas, both looked annoyed. Probably because he was an omega, acting like an alpha. Walking away from the group, Eren found himself following Erwin towards the opposite end of the training field, the silence was weird, and there was only so much of it he could take "Look. I want to talk. I don't want to start a fight, but I felt we should talk about what happened in Draecia" Erwin nodded, though didn't offer any kind of verbal reply "Um... your arm. Does it hurt?" "No. I suppose I do need to thank you for acting so fast" "I wish it didn't turn out like this, you know. I never wanted to... hurt you" "I know. I've been waiting for you to tell me "I told you so"" "What good would that do now? The whole castle knows I'm to blame thanks to the latest round of rumours..." Eren cut his own sentence off with a shake of his head "No. This isn't what I want to say. I'm not happy about anything that happened between us in Draecia. I know you hate me, and I know you don't trust me, but I do want to help Eldia, and to do that, we need to get along. The prince has a hard enough job, without worrying about if we are fighting or not" "How unexpectedly mature of you" "See. That's what I mean. I know you don't like me being with him. I know. But... I love him, and I love Eldia" "He's engaged to be married to Petra" "I know he is. I also know he's scared. I'm sure you know that too. His blackouts are being caused by Obsydin, and he fears what he is capable of" "What is he capable of?" "Obsydin... He was a dragon of amazing power, but kind of taboo to talk about. From what Historia told me, he has the powers of making dreams a reality. His madness rears when the prince loses his temper, or he sleeps" Erwin sighed heavily, his steps coming to a stop "Then what are we supposed to do?" We? Since when were they a "we"? "You? Nothing. Nothing changes for now" Erwin growled as his scent filled with anger, Eren taking half a step back "You can't be serious! What if he infects the castle?!" Was that all Erwin cared about!? Not the man who's life he manipulated like he was a marionette "He won't! Because unlike you, I've been doing everything I can to make sure that wouldn't happen!" "What? What did you do? You ran away" "I ran away, and was picked up Rod's favourite dragon Sina. I told Rod about Zeke, and do you know what he did? He bashed the fuck out of me, broke my arm, and told me I'm banished from Draecia. He would have been happy for us to all die, but instead we put a plan into place and got out of there alive. I've met the Obsydin in his mind. Twice he used my magic to heal me. He's the reason I'm alive. He saved me from the magical contamination that occurred when you drew the sword, then after Rod broke my body" "So you've taken his side? Because he's a dragon, you don't care for him anymore" Was it rude to punch a one armed man? "Can you just drop the fucking act? It's gotten old. I know you're under pressure to rule the kingdom. I know you're scared and now you've lost your arm, you stupid bastard. No. I haven't taken Obsydin's side. I love him, and I nearly died to help with sealing what I could of Obsydin away. He doesn't know, but I used my scales and part of my soul to make sure he was no longer suffering. I... I gave up my dream, because he means that much to me. I don't care if you hate me. I don't care if you run around telling everyone I cut your arm off for now. I don't care because this isn't a popularity contest. Eldia needs the public prince, and I did what I could. Fuck. This wasn't what we were supposed to be taking about. Look. The engagement with Petra will have to wait. The real test of the magic Historia and I used will come when he enters his rut. Our bond is fully open then, and he's at one with his alpha and his desires. So, for the good of Eldia, can you please just back off" It would be so much easier if he could just say Levi's name. Standing there with fists clenched, he was completely prepared to punch Erwin if he didn't agree. Swallowing, Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose before taking a deep breath and releasing it "Look. I don't hate you. It's just... I've never seen him like this. Not unless it was Farlan or Isabel. He cares deeply for you, but he loses his composure when it comes to you" "I know he does... but Erwin, the last thing I want is for this kingdom to fall back into war. I know I can't be his lover publicly, and I'm ok with that. I'm ok with being whatever he wants me to be" "I don't think you understand" "No. It's you who doesn't. I've entertained Zeke for you. I've told our prince over, and over, he can't go to war, and I told him he shouldn't dissolve his engagement, because the country wouldn't survive another war. I studied everything I could while in Draecia and I want to use that to help the kingdom. I understand if you don't want a dragon in your castle, my magic was uncontrolled because it's more dragon than mage, but I've changed and I've grown. If you would like, I'll live out here, or in a room further away from his. Hell, I'll even leave the castle and go help wherever you need, but I'm serious about him" "What did you give up?" Eren raised an eyebrow "What?" "You said you gave up your dream. What was your dream?" "I..." His stupid omega flooded him with sadness "Tell me what you gave up" "Only if you don't tell him" "I won't make that promise" He couldn't get out of telling Erwin "A clutch. I gave up on having children of my own. If I'm pregnant, the eggs inside of me will pass just before my next heat, but if they do, it's pretty much a sure sign that I'll never have children" Setting his jaw, and grinding his teeth, the omega fought to keep his tears from forming "Why would you that?" "Because Eldia needs him... and he's the only one I could ever love. Besides. Obsydin makes dreams become reality. If he... if we... I could end up carrying his children, and I will not allow that to happen. Maybe someday we can find a way to defeat Obsydin completely, and maybe then I can undo the spell, but we don't know that, so this is what needed to happen" Eren flinched as Erwin placed his hand on his shoulder "You truly love him, don't you?" "I do" "I release you of the commands I put on you, and place a new command on you. You will refer to us by our names, only when no one else is around. If you yell or shout, you shall call him "Erwin", and me "Levi". In public, and in front of anyone but us, I am "Levi", and he is "Erwin". If someone else asks, you will not tell them the truth, even if they use a command on you. If he gives you a command, you will follow it, and if your spell doesn't hold, you will tell me immediately. Understood?" Eren nodded, Erwin's grip growing tighter until he figure out what the man wanted "Yes, sir" "Good. And yes. Your quarter's being so close to Levi's is causing an issue. We shall need to find new accomodation for you. It is not safe to let you stay outside the castle, but you and Levi are hardly quiet" It wasn't his fault that being thoroughly drilled by Levi felt fucking amazing... "I'm sorry" "I'll look into it, and arrange new quarters. For now, I need to think. You are dismissed" "Yes, sir. And... I really am sorry about your arm. When I saw what was happening, I lost my head. I didn't want Eldia to lose you, or to lose... well, you know" "I know. It's not easy keeping up this charade, and balancing the future of the kingdom" "I don't envy you. Never forget, you're not alone" When Erwin removed his hand, Eren started walking back towards the castle. He'd nearly said Levi's name, but he desperately wanted Levi to be the first one to hear him say it. He wasn't free from Erwin's commands, but it was a kinder command. With that thought in mind, Eren's pace hastened. He wanted to see Levi. He wanted to call him by his name, over and over. He wanted to make up for every time he'd moaned something other than Levi... The smile on his face was huge as he raced forward.

Resistance is Futile

The virus is real. The virus is here. It is highly contagious and potentially deadly. I think we can debate about the severity and the origins of the virus later, or, we could debate it now, but while staying the hell away from each other and cutting off this thing's lifeline.

Okay, so, it's easy for me to have that opinion. I'm lucky. Kind of. Ish. I've kept my job. Kind of. Ish. My pay has actually been slashed pretty badly. Commission has been cancelled for April and May so I'm going to be getting base pay only. Okay, yeah, I know a lot of people only get base pay and I was one of them for a very long time, and I’m lucky to have gotten anything above and beyond that. But I have been getting paid above and beyond my base pay and I've grown accustomed to a new comfort level. The stimulus covers that for this month, so I’m not feeling it yet.  But I'm lucky to have kept my job and gained the flexibility to do it from home, which is something I've been lobbying for to management for the past four years, anyway.

But the immediate lifestyle adjustments? Fuck, man. This is heaven. Sequestration is magical. I have a valid reason now for telling people to stay the fuck away from me when before I was just an asshole. I never had any desire to go anywhere anyway — and now I have the perfect excuse, and zero guilt. It's fucking fantastic.

Okay, so, I like the lockdown. It's not hard for me. I'm working from home, which is perfection. I want my commission pay back, my performance-based earnings, but aside from that, we can keep this lockdown going for everyone capable of working remotely for just as long as … well, forever. We can just keep this up forever.  

I don't miss anything.  I don't miss eating out. I don't miss going out. In fact, I just had to go out, and it was sheer hell. I needed a VGA cable immediately, so I ordered one from Best Buy for curbside pickup. Traffic is fucking stupid. Fucking assholes everywhere. Nobody at Best Buy was wearing a mask or gloves, and they're walking up to customers' cars handing them merchandise, talking to each other in close quarters.  The guy who handed me my purchase weighed at least four hundred pounds. If he gets this virus, he's pretty likely dead. This thing isn't kind to the morbidly obese. Unfortunately, most of central Indiana is morbidly obese.

Okay, so, all cards on the table, I have ulterior motives. I like things shut down. So, of course I'm going to champion this course of action. But I also just think it's the right thing … nay, the ONLY thing to do right now. The death toll will likely be at or very near 45,000 by the time I post this, and it is climbing steeply on a daily basis. And that's with all of the extreme social distancing most of us are practicing right now. If we hadn't done this, if we hadn't shut down, we'd be over 200,000 deaths, easy, and it would be fucking chaos out there. Hospitals would be beyond capacity, mayhem would ensue. I have no proof of that, it's just what I think. I can't prove something that I think would have happened under different circumstances.

I'm not terrified of this thing. I'm being respectfully cautious. This is a formidable enemy. My goal is to not get it, to avoid it completely. That way I don't roll the immune system dice on this disease at all, and I maintain a zero fault status in the spread of the virus. If I can pull that off, that will be a perfect game, I win. But this thing is highly contagious, and it is in my city, and it is inside far more people than the daily news numbers show because hardly anyone is being tested. Also, a lot of people get it, and they are just fine. If I get it, I will likely be okay. But, that's not a guarantee. There is a risk. People say the mainstream media is collectively sensationalizing this. Well, of course they are, in their way. Of course they're playing it up for ratings, that's what they do.  

But I don't think they are making it sound worse than it is. I was watching a news broadcast and they said that eighty-six percent of the people under fifty who died of COVID-19 had an underlying health condition such as an autoimmune disorder, obesity, diabetes, high-blood pressure, asthma, or being a smoker. First of all, those are all pretty common. That's a lot of at-risk people. But second, that's what they did say. Eighty-six percent of those under fifty who died had an underlying health condition. But what they didn't say, and what I heard was this: Fourteen percent of the people under fifty who died of COVID-19 did NOT have an underlying health condition. That sounds fucking scary.  Yes, that is still a small number. Most of the people who die from COVID-19 are over eighty years of age. So, the percentage of people who died who are under fifty is low, and it's fourteen percent of that number … but still. That's otherwise healthy young people with no underlying health conditions who are dying. Greater risk for the elderly doesn't equal zero risk for the young. That's not how math or statistics work.  

I've watched videos online from real people. Nurses on the front lines in the hardest hit cities describing chaotic and dangerous conditions in hospitals. People who got the disease pretty badly, but recovered, recounting their terrifying near-death experiences. Yes, a lot of people have a sniffle and a cough. Yes, some people remain asymptomatic throughout the life of their infection, remaining symptom free, but still allowing the virus to replicate in their bodies so they can spread it. But this thing just slaps the fuck out of some people, and sometimes kills them, for no reason. Not because they're old, or sick, or have an otherwise compromised immune system, but they’re just simply unlucky. I mean, maybe there’s something we don’t know. Perhaps they all have something in common, some underlying factor that hasn’t been identified as a risk. That’s surely possible. But still — do you have it, this factor? Do I? 

But fear of getting infected isn't the main reason to distance and hunker down.

We should stay locked down and we should try our best not to spread it because it's extremely contagious, and there is a pretty large section of our society, who, for various reasons, really shouldn't be put into battle with this virus. A lot of them don't have a chance, and we, as a society, need to do the right fucking thing and keep this bug as far away from them as we can. And if caring about the sick and elderly is outside of your capacity, just know that you aren't safe, either. It could kill you, too. Fourteen percent of the people under fifty who died from COVID-19 did not have an underlying medical condition or compromised immune system. I'm sure they all thought they would be fine.

I have learned the following by reading articles written by experts in the field.

There are eight strains of SARS-CoV-2 circulating the globe right now that cause the disease COVID-19. No one strain is deadlier than another, they are all very similar to each other. SARS-CoV-2 is not likely to rapidly mutate and go airborne or get into the water supply. Its current method of transmission from human to human is so effective it has no immediate need to try to adapt or evolve. If and when it does need to evolve to try to bypass our eventual vaccine, it will take it a while. Coronavirus evolves, or mutates, at a slow rate, about four times slower than influenza.

I should be citing this stuff, but this is a blog, not a peer-reviewed paper. This isn't shit I've discovered through testing and examination,  and I’m not trying to formulate my own hypothesis. I’m no expert in any of this, I'm just repeating shit I've found from articles that were well-sourced, and anyone can find them by Googling this stuff and seeing where I found it. But I digress, as I am wont to do.  Anyway, more science facts.

SARS-CoV-2 spreads from human to human in both large droplets and aerosol that exit the body during a cough, sneeze, panting, heavy breathing, etc. Any method that would allow moisture to escape the mouth on the breath. The virus can hang suspended in mist for up to three hours and remain active. The virus can live on paper and cardboard for up to 24 hours, and can live for up to 72 hours on plastic, stainless steel, and other smooth shiny surfaces.

So, on a relatively humid day, and, I know, how many of those are we going to see in mid-Spring, right? On a relatively humid day, an infected person sneezes. That infected aerosol can join with the water already in the air, and just float around ready to be breathed in for up to three hours. So, sure, stay six feet away, but if you move into a space someone else was just standing, you're now breathing in what they just breathed out.

I don't care who says what about masks.  I don't need someone to explain to me how and why masks work. I get that the virus is small and can pass through very small openings and to be fully effective a mask would have to be rated to work against particles as small as the virus, which in this case is N-95. But I also understand that if you're sick and you cough and you're wearing a piece of cloth over your face, you're going to greatly decrease the chances that you're going to spread the virus. Yes, small aerosols will make it through, but a lot of the germs will be caught and never enter the atmosphere. So, yeah, masks are prudent. Any of us could have it, and we should try not to spread it in case we do.

I am lucky and I get to stay in my house. I don’t know what lies I’d be telling myself if I had to go out in the world every day like nothing has changed and do a thankless job. Everyone still out in the world and not practicing social distancing will probably get this. I may get this, despite my best efforts. Most of us will be okay. Some of us won’t. 

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

A small thing for the Single Dad/Hot Teacher AU Winter rolls around, bringing slush and runny noses.

Rey catches a cold the first week of December and stays home from school, eating canned soup and grilled cheese sandwiches and watching Mythbusters on Netflix. For three days, Ben’s Google search history is a string of desperate inquiries:

difference between cold and flu is throwing up normal with a cold flu symptoms how long does the flu last diseases similar to flu symptoms of anthrax is it anthrax or flu how much tylenol safe for kids 100 degree fever when to take kids to the hospital fever

She sleeps on the couch, a sad, sniffly little burrito in her favorite Wonder Woman blanket, and he calls out of work to bring her juice and rub circles on her back with his palm, like he used to see her mom do when she was a baby. When her throat hurts and she whimpers because she can’t sleep, Ben honest-to-god cries. He’s never felt so useless in his life.

The second day, Rey’s teacher texts Ben to ask how she’s doing.

The December snow is thin, not good for much more than coating the sidewalks in a thin layer of white that’s quickly trampled dirty brown. It’s a shame- Ben remembers winters when he was a kid being a lot more impressive. He has vague, probably exaggerated memories of giant snowmen and building ice forts in his backyard with his dad.

The local kids manage to have some fun with it anyway, scraping snow off ledges and fences around the apartment complex to fling at each other. In the mornings he bundles Rey off in her hat and scarf. The early morning frost turns her nose and cheeks pink as she walks to school with a neighbor kid, a boy named Finn who lived in the next building and had recently lost one of his front teeth.

“That’s so cool!” Rey squeals when Finn holds it up in one glove, beaming a gap-toothed grin.

After school, Ben waits outside the playground doors so that he can walk home with Rey. He sticks out like a sore thumb in the pack of stay-at-home moms waiting for their kids outside the school. On top of being a fucking giant, he’s the only guy there. The first few days he kept half-expecting one of them to call the cops on him.

Now they just ignore him, flashing wary smiles before going back to comparing snack-time recipes off Pinterest and swapping pregnancy stories like some of the guys he used to know in prison did scar stories.

Some of the shit he accidentally overhears makes him want to cringe in horror. He’d butted in once, unable to contain a horrified, “That can happen?” and they’d giggled at him in a way that made him feel like he was back in high school and had just embarrassed himself in front of the popular girls.

When Rey’s mother was pregnant she’d still lived at home with her parents. It was her mom, and to a lesser degree Leia, who’d done all that pregnancy stuff with her. Ultrasounds and doctor visits. He’d tried going shopping for baby clothes with her a couple of times, but somehow it always managed to end in a stupid fight. Like every other fucking thing they did together.

The week Rey was due he’d run off in his dad’s old van, overwhelmed with fear at the responsibility of it all, desperate to escape what felt like the end of his life. By the time his dad and his uncle finally tracked him down and dragged him back, Rey was already home from the hospital.

“You’re the one who got yourself into this mess, kid.” He can still feel his dad’s hand heavy on his shoulder, marching him up to the door like he was a kid who’d just broken the neighbor’s window. At the time, it had felt like a death sentence.

On the last day of school before winter break, 3:30 hits and he waits, hands fisted in his coat pockets and breath frosting the air, while kids trickle out. They’re all wrapped up in their puffy winter jackets, the kindergartners looking like little marshmallows with legs. A sea of colorful bobble hats stampede around his knees as their moms herd them off.

“They have parts on the back called the stabilizers and they can fly this- look- this close-” He hears Rey before he sees her, gushing about her new favorite thing this week, the Blue Angels. They’d watched a couple of videos on YouTube after he told her how his grandpa and his uncle both used to fly with them, and she’d been hooked.

“Really? That sounds very dangerous.”

Ever since The Incident, Mr. Hux had taken to walking her out of the school building most days. Today, in concession- or maybe it’s in surrender- to the holidays, he’s decked out in a pastel green shirt and a festive tie.

Ben crosses his arms as Hux steers Rey straight to him.

“Time for the prisoner transfer,” Ben says, setting a serious look on his face. Rey rolls her eyes at him, but he’s rewarded when her teacher huffs a little laugh.

“She’s your responsibility for the next two weeks,” Hux says, matching his tone.

“I’ll rough her up if there are any problems.” Ben ruffles Rey’s hair with one large hand.

“Hey!” she yelps.

Hux laughs, and Ben is suddenly aware, with a low sinking in his stomach, that this is the last time he’ll see him until after New Years. Somehow, he’s kinda gotten used to exchanging hellos every afternoon.

“So Hux, you have any big plans for the holidays?”

“Christmas. Family. The usual.”

“Wow, don’t sound too excited,” Ben deadpans, then inwardly cringes. That’s the kind of tacky shit his dad would say.

“Is anyone our age excited to spend a week with their parents?” Hux replies mildly, and Ben can take a hint when he quickly changes the subject. “What about you two? This is your  first Christmas together, I believe.”

There had been a couple of holidays when Rey was a baby, before he got arrested. The three of them together like a real family. They usually ended in shouting, and anyway Rey’s too young to remember them. He doesn’t count those. “Yeah, first one. Uh...” he says, “Probably food and presents. Normal family stuff.”

It’s still weird to say, but something about it makes him want to smile. Family stuff. Their family.

“We have a tree!” Rey interrupts with a little bounce. The yarn ball on top of her hat gives an excited wobble.

“I’m glad,” Hux says. He never used that fake ‘adults talking to little kids’ voice. It was something Ben liked about him. “Christmas isn’t the same without a tree.”

“It’s tiny. I think it’s a midget. But it’s really green and it smells like Christmas.”

Ben tries not to laugh and fails. “Rey...”

It was a dinky thing, one of those dwarf trees from the 24-hour grocery store, but it was real and Rey was crazy about it. She’d never had a tree that wasn’t made out of plastic before.

“This is going to be so better than last year!” She’d babbled, bouncing around the cart holding their tiny tree as he pushed it out of the store. “We didn’t even have a tree last year because mom forgot to get one, even though I reminded her like every day. All we had was Oscar’s stupid ugly wreath made out of beer cans. We didn’t even have lights.”

Ben had decided then that next year he was going to start saving up earlier and they’d go to one of those tree farms and he’d let her pick out the biggest one they could find.

“Have you decorated it yet?”

“Yeah! Show the pictures!” Rey latches on to Ben’s arm, clinging and letting her feet dangle. She’s small for her age, and skinny. It’s no trouble to lift her with one arm. “Pictuuuures,” she whines.

“She took about ten thousand pictures of this sad little Charlie Brown tree with my phone,” Ben says to Hux, apologetic.

“I’d love to see them.”

“Really?”

“Of course.”

Somehow Ben ends up standing beside Hux, holding out his phone, with Rey crammed warm in between them while she swipes through Christmas tree pictures, offering little comments on each one. Hux actually seems interested in it, asking Rey questions and huddling closer to Ben for warmth. Hux isn’t wearing a jacket. Ben can feel the way he’s holding himself stiff against the chill.

Ben shifts to the side so that he can shield them both from the worst of the cold breeze when the wind picks up.

“Alright munchkin, we gotta go,” he says finally, “Mister Hux is going to freeze.”

“Okay, bye, mister Hux!” Rey beams. “Have a good Christmas!”

“You too, Rey.”

“Bye, Armitage.” He didn’t mean it to sound teasing. It still felt weird to call the teacher by his first name. Ben tended to ration it, like a secret treat.

“Ben,” Hux nods in return.

“Hey, nice tie, by the way,” he calls back they turn to leave. Okay, that one he meant to be teasing. The thing was red and green and covered in bright cartoon Christmas trees. Glittery ones. Ben’s pretty sure he saw that tie for sale at Walmart.

“Thank you,” Hux’s jaw is stiff. He looks like he is trying very hard not to either sigh or roll his eyes. It’s the look of defeat. “My class got it for me.”

The Long Literary Haul

I suppose its time to vent about the subject that I probably keep the most closed off. I'm not afraid to discuss many things, from sexual health and gender identity all the way to masculinity and emotional barriers... and I pride myself in that. When it comes to my own illnesses, however, it becomes very uncomfortable for me.

I grew up in a single parent house. My mom busted her ass as a machinist, house cleaner, you name it all to keep us going. When she was diagnosed with Lupus, she kept working until she felt she couldn't anymore. (In her forties was her diagnosis timeframe) For my diagnosis, I had just returned to college that September. Had a relatively new job. Was cast in my first male role of any consequence. I had been having trouble breathing, had back pain and was generally just feeling sick. Eventually, I knew I had to at least go to the doctor. They sent me straight to the ER where I was immediately admitted. I had double lung pneumonia and pleurisy, quarantined to a room for 8 days. I wasn't getting better. I had huge red patches on my legs. My temperature was 104s. I didn't want to eat anything. I was quite literally dying. They finally gave me the diagnosis of Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Sjogrens. I was only 23. Being the person that I am, all I wanted to do was get back to rehearsals. So after I was discharged I went home, slept for 24 hours and went right back to college. That sets up the scene for how I am.

Flash forward to now, almost 10 years later. I'm on an injectable low dose chemo medicine called methotrexate, which isn't doing enough for me. The next step is infusion therapy. I've been putting it off for about 2 years for a variety of reasons.

I'm hurting.

The way we Lupies best describe our condition is to imagine you have the flu. That run down, exhausted, ache in your bones, feverish stuff we all know and loathe. Now picture being told that's a good day for the rest of your life. That's this autoimmune disorder. I consider myself lucky in that my RA is more active than my Lupus. I'm not currently showing organ damage, which is what tends to happen. (Kidneys are usually the first) But I feel like I'm 80 most days. There is always something bugging me. Tendonitis, stiffness, movement/flexibility pain... you name it. Its exhausting.

It compounds when I factor in having Raynaud's (which is a circulation problem in your extremities), IBS and panic disorder. I never know what I'm going to get on any given day. The panic is the newest and something that has mangled my life. I'm far better than I was when Celexa first brought on the start of my panic cycles (I had a very rare reaction to it that essentially brought on PD where I'd never had it before in my life) but I still deal with dizziness, shortness of breath, vision disturbances and disassociation at random.

I've gotten really...autobiography here, but I feel like it needs stated for backstory.

Where I'm at now with trying to heal mentally and make my life better is...I don't know how. I am overwhelmingly stuck. For the past 6 months or so, I feel myself getting worse. My lupus butterfly rash looks like a sunburn on my face constantly now. I'm having new symptoms I've never had before (like mouth ulcers) and just....generally feel myself slipping. I power through every day because I know its what I have to do. I cannot afford to live off what disability would offer. I help my mom pay for her house. But I'm tired. Its something that doesn't get better with sleep. (A fun fact of Lupus is that sleep is not restorative like in healthy people. I recharge probably 25% to someone else's 100%) I mentioned my mom in the first part because as loving and amazing as she is, she always compares my journey to hers. She uses her experience to tell me why I'm not doing enough. That its not enough. That I'm essentially letting her down. I've told her so many times that its hurtful and unfair. I can't get it to stick. I'm thankful her illness is not as severe as mine. She has enough other shit on her plate. But when I am entirely honest with myself about how I feel daily... I'm terrified to keep living. I don't want to be that old man gnarled over his walker in agony. To need to be in assisted living. I couldn't even afford that anyhow. I don't have kids or a partner. Who will look out for me? I'm already getting forgetful. I'm so behind on some medication plans because I simply cannot remember to take them. I forget to change laundry over when its in the same room as me. It is scary stuff that I just push out of my head and wall off. My anxiety makes me terrified to die and my body makes me not want to live. Its a vicious mingling in my soul. Maybe that's why my emotions have shut so far down. I live now to make sure my mom is taken care of in her golden years, because she did it so selflessly for my grandparents. What after? What purpose, to what end, for me?

I don't expect to feel healthy and "normal" again. I just want some hope. I'm just not sure where to find it. I'll keep looking for as long as I am able, though. Keep working until you cannot.

Personal Experience

–Medium

Reid Gan

Everyone is asking how I’m doing and for the most part, I’m just angry at myself. Physically, at the moment, I’m actually fine. But I’m emotionally livid.

I’m angry that I clearly didn’t take the proper precautions, and didn’t take it as seriously as I should have. I’m angry that I’ve put my roommate and close friends in danger. I’m angry that I can’t leave my room without a mask and gloves just to feed my dog or make breakfast.

I’m angry that I’ve done a whole bunch of work on fitness this year just to take at least two weeks to lay down and not do anything. I’m angry that I can’t even go do socially distant activities. I’m angry that others went on spring break and didn’t get sick. Or maybe they did but didn’t bother to get tested because they were asymptomatic.

I’m angry because it’s a complete guessing game as to where I might have gotten it, but it still feels like entirely my fault. I’m angry that I can’t talk about that without feeling selfish.

I’m embarrassed that I got it, honestly. I took my pup for a short walk today (mask and gloves) and I felt like the character in a zombie movie that had been bitten and it was only a matter of time. I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt — it’s like I let everyone down. Truthfully, that’s been the worst part about it, for me.

For that, I’m sorry.

What COVID-19 Feels Like Physically, Thus Far

I should start by saying, I’m a 30-year-old in good health. No medical conditions to speak of, like maybe a cavity. I played sports all my life, and played soccer in college. I’ve continued on with fitness and competition somewhat rigorously. I’m in decent shape and I try to eat healthy meals as often as I can, with the occasional fast food, pizza, or cheeseburger.

On Wednesday, earlier this week, I felt it coming on. I just started to feel like shit — not really a better way to put it. I felt a bit congested and had a headache brewing. I felt really tired, more so than usual, like it wasn’t just the typical 2 P.M. workday slump, but I didn’t know what it was. I do remember hoping that it wasn’t the coronavirus.

I went home and made soup and started treating myself like I was sick already. After eating, I took a hot shower, popped vitamin C and ibuprofen, and bundled up in a hoodie and sweatpants. I’ve found that sweating out a flu and embracing the fever is one of the best ways to get it to break quickly. I’ve become a master of kicking any sickness — I get sick once a year for 24 hours and then it’s over — and was going to approach this the same way.

That night it took me for a ride in waves — I had the chills and then hot flashes. I woke up in puddles of sweat on a couple of different occasions.

In the morning, I called out of work, gave my boss and coworkers the proper warning, and started monitoring my temperature. It was 99.0 when I got out of bed. A little later into Thursday afternoon, it was 99.5, then 99.8.

And suddenly it was 100.9.

My skin started to hurt and I started coughing a bit. Then it would pivot and I would be freezing, literally shaking. It was definitely a fever and definitely a flu.

“My skin started to hurt and I started coughing a bit.“

Friday morning, after sweating it out one more night, I actually felt almost entirely normal.

Today is Sunday, and while I still feel fine, I’ve started to lose my sense of taste and my sense of smell. While I was cooking dinner, I twisted off the top on a jar of minced garlic and took a big whiff. Nothing.

I don’t mean to be overly dramatic by any means. Other than the taste and smell, it’s quite candidly like any other flu I’ve ever had. Don’t get me wrong, it sucked. But for me, it wasn’t the devil knocking at my door. At least not yet.

So far I haven’t had any trouble breathing, my lips haven’t turned blue, and things seem to be returning to normal.

Getting A COVID-19 Test

Thursday, my sickest day, I spent much of it trying to register for a COVID-19 test. The CVS website portal was slow as molasses, and it wouldn’t work. It kept showing me available times and then after I would fill everything out it would tell me that the appointment slot was not available and to choose another time. I did this seven times. This was hell while trying to cope with the sickness.

I knew I needed a COVID test because I needed to warn whoever I may have been in contact with, as well as take the proper precautions moving forward. So I kept trying.

I called the CVS nearest me and they were no help. After a 20 minute hold to speak to the pharmacy (I eventually just drove over there, while on hold — I spoke to someone faster that way), I was told that they can’t see me unless I make an appointment and they can’t make an appointment for me.

The gentleman told me to call CVS corporate and complain that the site was down. It seemed he’d been dealing with this problem every day for months.

“This was hell while trying to cope with the sickness.”

I grabbed a couple of Gatorades and drove home. I was exhausted, so I got in bed around 8:00 P.M.

Friday morning, one of my friends sent me a screenshot-flyer with the names and addresses of the testing sites set up by the county. After unsuccessfully trying three different addresses, I found one in the fourth. The first three were actually occupied by major protests.

The testing site I ended up going to was in a parking lot of some government building. There were a couple of tents, probably seven volunteer workers total, and a long line of cars serpentining through the otherwise empty lot. The workers were blunt and concise, but friendly.

One of them made it a point to reassure each person that it wasn’t the excessively long q-tip test that went viral, and that it’s not painful. I’ll admit I was a bit relieved at that, because going into it, I was scared to have my brain fluid swabbed.

When it was my turn, one of the workers approached my car in what was essentially a hazmat suit. They used a long stick with a claw mechanism to hand me a plastic bag with the materials I would need to perform the test myself. I drove up to the testing station, leaving Claw-Man behind. A nice woman approached my vehicle, also in a hazmat suit, and instructed me on how to administer the test.

Basically, they gave me a long, thin plastic stick with a slightly thicker sponge on the tip — the sponge was maybe one inch in length. I was told to stick it up each nostril, one at a time, until it was uncomfortable and swab it around five times.

She said it should make me want to sneeze. I sneezed both times, after removing it from each nostril. Then I put the stick, sponge-side-down, into a tube filled with some kind of fluid, that I imagine makes it easier to analyze. I sealed the tube, put the materials back in the bag, and handed it back the woman, who grabbed it with her claw. Claw-Woman.

It was not painful. I’ve heard some places are still using the q-tip, and that it can be painful, so I don’t think this is any sort of guarantee. Either way, worth it to know for sure.

The next day, within 24 hours, I got the text that told me my test did, in fact, detect COVID-19.

That text sucked. I already had plans for that evening, assuming that I was fine, mainly because I felt fine.

And then came the guilt.

Dealing With COVID-19 Mentally

The very first thought I had was actually to tell my family, warn my coworkers, and cancel my plans.

After that, I felt really guilty. I have been social distancing to some extent, but had a decent-size circle of friends that I had started to see with some regularity. I missed them and I needed them.

If you’re at all like me, you’ve been preoccupied with a lot of other issues happening, and COVID has kind of taken a backseat. Also, you’ve seen thousands of your friends and your friends’ friends protesting, partying, vacationing, and enjoying some of the newfound freedoms of early openings and more.

It seems like no one is getting sick.

And also, if you’re at all like me, you’ve been tired of social distancing for a while now, and you just want to feel normal again, especially with what’s going on in the world. This is a really scary, weird, sad, and new time for all of us. We all need each other.

I took the current scenario as a sign to be sure to show my friends and loved ones just how much they mean to me. So I wanted to spend time with them. I wanted to hold them. I wanted to soak them up.

But fuck, man.

Now I feel like a jerk. Now I may have just put all of them in danger. As someone who typically feels responsible for my friends’ wellbeing, the guilt that comes with that is unbearable for me.

“…you just want to feel normal again…”

I also realize that any one of them may have given it to me. And that it’s not exactly just my fault. For all we know, I’m just the only one who showed symptoms and was therefore the only one to get tested. Everyone’s just hoping, with blind optimism, that they aren’t carrying it.

Shouldn’t it be mandatory to get tested? If we can administer the tests ourselves, why haven’t we sent testing kits and instructions to every household, and made everyone find out? Why are we just relying on scout’s honor?

It’s a hopeless game to start guessing and trying to figure out how I might have gotten it, what surface I might have touched, etc. So I know I can’t let my mind wander down that path for too long. But then you’re also faced with an actual, legitimate, extra-cautious quarantine, which feels even longer than two weeks given the circumstance and your mind can’t help but take a gander.

My roommate (also my best friend) and I aren’t even seeing each other now, which is a little awkward, but we both know it’s for the best. It’s like we don’t exist. Meanwhile, I’m just in my room in silence, or with music or Netflix, thinking about how I let him down.

I’m particularly aggravated seeing people party on social media now, too. Like how are ya’ll not sick, and I’m in quarantine with COVID? It doesn’t seem fair. Not that I was some stellar example of social distancing myself, but I definitely was more careful than sharing a funnel and doing body shots on a boat.

My mom reminds me that sometimes doing the responsible thing doesn’t come with a reward.

Another aspect of dealing with this mentally is fear.

I’ve heard and read stories about how people get released from the hospital, thinking they’ve handled the coronavirus, and that’s when it rears its head and puts you on your back. It’s a scary virus.

It sort of seemed too easy to me. I actually was convinced that it couldn’t have been the big, bad coronavirus based on how quickly I was over it and felt fine.

So I’m sort of stuck between the ideas of laying down and resting constantly and also trying to remain mildly active. I don’t want to become weaker than the virus is already making me, but I also don’t want to overexert myself. I’ve been taking extra vitamin C to be sure my immune system is in working order, but doesn’t over-respond. I’ve been drinking tons of water and being sure to sanitize and disinfect whatever I can.

Strangely, as of writing this, I feel totally normal.

It’s a very similar vibe to the scene in a horror movie that’s just too calm to be unessential. And then they just cut to a new scene and it turns out everything was literally fine.

It’s like that, every day.

Again, this all may come off as mildly dramatic, especially with a lot of the other horrors that are going on right now. But I’m only trying to depict an accurate image.

I’m sorry this hasn’t been more of a feel-good rendition, so I’ll try to end on a happier note.

Honestly, I actually don’t feel sick at all. And I have been more than grateful for my friends who have reached out to check on me each day. They’re still making all the difference in the world.

So yes, definitely hold and love yours.

But it also wouldn’t hurt to get tested. And please, exercise more caution than you currently are.

–Medium

Reid Gan

story of my medications

This is my response to the message I received on my sarahah (@illusionarium), reading,

May be a bit personal, but I want to know your story behind all of your medication. Your social medias are phenomenal which raises my curiosity as to why you have to take so much.

This is going to be way more information than what you asked for. I haven’t proofread this but I tried to write carefully. Potential trigger warning beyond this point.

I’ll start at the very beginning, getting to the more-than-you-asked-for right away.

How I got on meds in the first place:

In January 2012, the night of day 1 of the second semester of my freshman year of high school, so roughly five and a half years ago, I was involuntarily put under mandatory 72-hour hold in a psychiatric ward for threatening to kill myself. I was in there until the afternoon of day 3 of the semester. This is pertinent because I wanted and somehow proceeded to achieve straight A’s and knew that staying in longer meant I was missing more class-time and putting that at risk it took a month to catch up on those three days I shit you not. (For the full hospital story, see this post.) While being held there, I did my best to abide by the rules the hospital operated by—i.e. rules none of us were directly informed of, rules we had to be informed of by our fellow inmates let’s be honest, it was essentially a prison who were there before us and learned the hard way so we didn’t have to—but those rules were just things to check legal boxes, they didn’t make any real sense, and they weren’t consistent, so despite my genuine best efforts, it became very clear very quickly that they wouldn’t release me after 72 hours (72 hours is only the minimum) if I didn’t sell my soul to the devil. I always swore I would never take psychiatric medications—I just didn’t believe in it, if I was doomed to be sad then so be it, I didn’t have anything against other people taking meds but I didn’t want it for myself under any circumstances—but I couldn’t afford to be held longer than the bare minimum basically if I took a breath one second later than expected, Staff would threaten to hold me for an extra week, a threat that was said to me five times, so I agreed to be medicated to check one of their damn boxes needed for an on-time release. Then, when released (about 24-hours after agreeing to take meds and taking the first dose), I was told that if I stopped taking the meds I would be readmitted. I assumed, despite Staff being heartless assholes for the most part, that they—medical professionals (well, sort of)—wouldn’t flat out lie to me, so I reluctantly continued taking the meds. I cried, I went to the doctor they referred me to every month and a half, I sold my soul and gave up what I stood for, I took my shit as prescribed, I was a good girl, and I hated every second of it, but I hated it less than I hated hospitalization. It wasn’t until a year and a half later that I cried to that doctor (who was very nice; I quite enjoyed seeing her) about hating being on meds and wanting to stop but knowing I can’t without being readmitted, and she, surprised by my statement, informed me that that was a lie, I was never required to keep taking them, they could not readmit me for that, period end of story, I had been blatantly lied to. Unfortunately, by then I had gotten in too deep (I’ll explain why), so despite still hating being on meds, I carried on.

Why I stayed on them:

I grew up depressed, anxious, and with insomnia; it’s all I’ve ever known, so I couldn’t complain too much having never known better I mean I complain all the time, talked about suicide etc., but I wasn’t fighting for better because I didn’t know what to fight for and didn’t have the motivation too. A year and a half into bouncing from medication to medication (I’ll elaborate later), I had had no success with improving my depression or anxiety, but after about a year of that, I found a sleeping medication that worked, and holy fucking shit. Over the course of my life, my sleep had been getting progressively worse; for instance, at age 14.5, Night 2 in the psych ward, bedtime from 10pm through 7am, I took over an hour to fall asleep and woke up eight times I remember because Staff yelled at me about this the next morning. That was quite normal for me, I wasn’t accustomed to anything better, but getting a night of what normal sleep should be for the first time…was just something I couldn’t pass up. It was like a brand new world. The medicine that did the trick was an atypical antidepressant prescribed to me for insomnia by that point my doc had gone off-label, as I was already failing to respond to traditional treatments, so I said fuck it and kept on making my way down Big Pharma’s product list trying to treat all my issues for the heck of it. Note however that I had also been diagnosed with ADHD, a problem I wasn’t previously aware of, and medication for it worked also, but I could’ve accepted pre-ADHD-med life more than pre-insomnia-med life.

Since then:

My insurance dropped that first doctor not technically a doctor, psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner, PMHNP, didn’t know that for a long time, didn’t know there was an important difference at the year and a half mark, so I switched to doc #2 not a doctor, advanced practice registered nurse, APRN, who quit and was replaced by #3 some kind of nurse practitioner who quit and was replaced by #4 APRN whom I hated, so I switched to #5 family nurse practitioner, FNP, who was great, but I really needed a psychiatrist. So now I’m seeing #6, a psychiatrist! A PhD! An MD! At last! My therapist of five years said I needed an actual psychiatrist and advised I try to get off of my meds (four total at the time), which is a main reason I took medical withdrawal from college in March. This doctor is fab and is trying so hard to get me the best treatment possible. We tried weaning off slowly, but the withdrawal symptoms were too bad to handle alone, so we’ve tried substituting new meds with them to ease the withdrawals (elaborated on later). Because of how that is going, he wants me to seek a second opinion technically an eighth if we include the psych ward, five NPs, my therapist of five years, and himself from an accredited institution if we can find one that will see me because my “case has advanced beyond what conventional medical treatments can help” and I have “suffered too long,” and if a re-evaluation shows that my diagnoses are correct, I could benefit possibly from experimental treatments or clinical trials since my shit is so treatment resistant.

How that’s going—what I’m diagnosed with and what all I’ve tried:

Chronologically, I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, insomnia, ADHD, and panic disorder, with anorexia nervosa present but left undiagnosed. In trying to treat my five diagnoses in the last five and a half years, I’ve had my system pumped with twenty-five different psychotropic medications. Of the 25, I’ve only had any success with/positive reaction to 8. I’m currently on 6 daily. Let’s list them out chronologically with more info than you asked for for shits and giggles shall we—“[medication class] prescribed for [whatever, usually off-label], italicized means it worked, bolded means I’m currently on it:

Zoloft/Sertraline—(from the hospital) antidepressant for depression & anxiety

Xanax/Alprazolam—sedative for anxiety

Trazodone—weird antidepressant for insomnia

Tranxene/Clorazepate—benzodiazepine for insomnia

Ambien/Zolpidem—hypnotic for insomnia

Prozac/Fluoxetine—antidepressant for depression

Elavil/Amitriptyline—idk it treats everything and was prescribed for idk I can’t remember tbh

Remeron/Mirtazapine—atypical antidepressant for insomnia (worked for a year, stopped, immediately replaced by Seroquel)

Adderall XR and IR—stimulant for ADHD (XR extremely effective but couldn’t tolerate ingesting it, IR ineffective)

Buspar/Buspirone—anxiolytic for anxiety

Inderal/Propranolol—beta blocker for anxiety/depression

Seroquel/Quetiapine—atypical antipsychotic for insomnia

Lamictal/Lamotrigine—anticonvulsant for depression (under slow withdrawal at the moment)

Daytrana/Methylphenidate—stimulant for ADHD

Klonopin/Clonazepam—benzodiazepine for anxiety

Valium/Diazepam—benzodiazepine for anxiety then insomnia

Lexapro/Escitalopram—antidepressant for depression

Wellbutrin/Bupropion—antidepressant for suicidal thoughts (it helped a bit)

Atarax/Hydroxyzine HCl—antihistamine for insomnia

Phenergan/Promethazine—antihistamine for insomnia

Clonidine HCl—alpha blocker for insomnia & high blood pressure/elevated heart rate

Trileptal/Oxcarbazepine—anticonvulsant for depression/to ease Lamictal withdrawals

Vyvanse/Lisdexamfetamine—stimulant for ADHD

Dexedrine/Dextroamphetamine—stimulant for ADHD

Evekeo/Amphetamine—stimulant for ADHD

So I’m currently on Seroquel, Lamictal, Valium, Clonidine, Trileptal, and Evekeo—three for insomnia, two for depression, and one for ADHD. I am incapable of sleeping without sleeping medications; I go about 36 hours wide awake, then go from wired to unconscious note that sleep is not an unconscious state for about half an hour, then snap back awake as if nothing has ever happened until I take the next dose. I have extreme difficulty reading, comprehending, writing, and understanding information without ADHD medication, one of the main two reasons I’m taking a second semester off from school. My anxiety is debilitating and currently only being treated through therapy, which is undoubtedly beneficial but not the same; I used to take Valium to stop my panic attacks (it would calm down the physical symptoms so I could use what I’ve learned in therapy to calm the mental symptoms), but when I started taking it for sleep it stopped working for panic, so I just have to ride it out. I started Clonidine as a substitute for Valium for falling asleep, but it makes me so damn sleepy during the day that I’ve been slow to let go of the Valium and raise the Clonidine. I’m not addicted to any of it, simply terrified to not sleep. A sleepless night is a nightmare few people understand; yeah no one likes a sleepless night, but it’s fucking torture when you get more suicidal with every second you’re awake. I get in bed every night terrified that this will be the night I stop sleeping; Seroquel, for the first four years, worked effortlessly for making me fall and stay asleep for roughly eight hours and wake up on my own with no drowsiness, then all of a sudden it stopped helping me fall asleep and out of desperation I added on Valium because it was my only option and I knew it had hypnotic properties. Since it’s not healthy to be on it super long term, my doc wanted me to trade it for something safer, like Clonidine. I was put on Lamictal after going through rounds of antidepressants that failed; Lamictal treats seizure disorders and bipolar disorder and is related to Trileptal but carries a greater risk of a deadly side effect. Seroquel is an antipsychotic that also treats bipolar disorder; it seems the medications that work best for me with the fewest side effects are the ones that treat bipolar disorder, for which I have not been diagnosed (technically I am down as bipolar in my files for insurance reasons, as my insurance could request my files, see the depression diagnosis, and refuse to pay for Seroquel and Lamictal because they are not approved to treat unipolar depression), which I find interesting. Trileptal has shown very little evidence on efficacy at treating mood disorders and is in no way approved for their treatment, but I have responded to so few medications that my latest doc thought hey, why not. Fun, isn’t it?

And at last,

why I have to take so much:

My shit, aka an intricately intertwined clusterfuck, is just so damn treatment resistant that 1. no one medicine can treat any one problem well enough to suffice on its own 2. everything is so bad that even if one worked really well and wiped out one problem altogether the others really can’t go untreated yet. There are only two instances in which I am okay with being alive—on stage performing or in an airport. I’m not lucky/privileged enough anymore for the former occasion (bonus: my sleeping meds contain antihistamine properties and I’ve watched as my voice has deteriorated over the past four years, escalating in the last four with the addition of Clonidine) and not rich enough for the latter to occur as often as I’d like, so I spend virtually every day wishing I was dead. It’s so normal to me now. It’s been twenty years. I can smile and laugh and dance around for a few minutes, but that’s all I get; it doesn’t last. My favourite singer can release a new song and I’ll cry with happiness as I sing at the top of my lungs for hours or see some aesthetically pleasing decoration in a store and take a hundred pictures of it and that’ll make my day, but it simply doesn’t last. I’ve only managed to live this long because my anxiety is severe in just the right ways to keep me incapable of going through with any method of suicide. I’ve become accustomed to coasting by; I often wonder how many people can tell I’ve got issues or can tell what kind of issues I have without being informed first. I wonder too what I’m like beneath the medications, if I would even be recognizable; I thought I would find that out over the summer, but that will have to wait until the weaning is all done I suppose my psychiatrist estimated the process would take 3.5 years when I started seeing him.

Soooo…I hope that answered your question and makes some sort of sense. Feel free to inquire further; I’ve spent the past six months doing nothing but researching and focusing heavily on all of this so I know it well and have a lot to say about it.

Chapter 27? Is it? I don't know. I'm still working on it

Flying with a pack saddle was a weird sensation, as Eren had never worn one before. He and Levi had been mid-fuck when Maria came for them. The dragon had been kind enough to let them finish, though Eren was kind of pissed Levi didn't knot him a third time, if Levi hadn't insisted on eating his arse out as he rode the alpha's face, maybe he would have gotten knotted again... stupid hindsight. The teen didn't know how their containment spell would work once they returned to Eldia, and waking to find his boyfriend himself, he couldn't help be greedy and want a moment for themselves, without thinking about everything that had happened the previous day. He'd pushed himself so hard he'd nearly broken, so waking in Levi's arms, all he wanted was for Levi to kiss away his pain from losing his ability to bear a clutch. He wanted to reconfirm that Levi had been scared, and that what they'd done had worked. The sex had been amazing, even with Levi's hands and ankles bound, it'd healed his body and removed his fatigue from the previous night, while healing his heart over what had happened the previous day. Levi did want him, the alpha was just struggling with his fear and the uncertainty of the future. He was at the centre of everything, but didn't understand. They'd need to talk, but first came reconnecting in the manner that worked best for them. He also may have told his lover a small lie, that he hadn't dreamt. He had. He'd dreamt of Rod Reiss not stopping, mixed with pain of having his scales torn from his skin. His dream had moved from Rod beating him, to Rod tearing the scales from his face as he was an "unworthy dragon"... All it took was Levi's warm hold to chase the fear away, and to anchor him to the moment. Supplying them both with fresh robes, Maria had forced him to eat as they walked, though Levi and the others would have to wait until they reached the castle before eating. Which Eren wasn't happy about. Sure, he might have had an insanely long day, but he wasn't hungry. All it took was thinking about the secret he was now hiding from Levi, and the uncomfortable twingings of the command in place over being honest about his health... he was stuck mentally justifying his actions in order to find relief from the command. The best argument he could come up with was that it was best Levi didn't know he might be pregnant, only for the pregnancy to slip and hurt the man even more. Reaching the clearing near where the field of cabins had been, Ymir and Historia were waiting with the rest of the Eldia party. Ymir pinching her nose as they approached. They could probably smell the sex that clung to their skins. Levi's already complained that he couldn't shower, while Eren relished smelling like his boyfriend. Reaching the group, Historia's voice was a whisper "I'm sorry you have to sneak off like this. It's hardly royal protocol" Eren didn't even think about protocol as he replied to his friend "It's ok. I'm just grateful I can thank you before we leave" "We need no thanks. Especially with all that happened" Giving him a quick hug, Ymir huffed in his direction as she released her nose. There was no real malice over Historia's hug, but she didn't look happy "I suppose I'm going to miss you" He knew he was going to miss her... He was going to miss all of them, except for Sina, and Rod. Privately, he'd hoped to see the lake again, but that was now impossible. He was going to miss watching the water dragons, and the sunsets across the water. Nope. He wasn't doing this. He had to hold his head up high and be normal "Nah. You've got Historia, and besides, you guys are always welcome" "That's a hell of a way to fly for a game of soccer" Eren shrugged, playing down the small glimmer of hope that he may see them both again some day "Then don't come. Make sure you take care of them" Even if he couldn't see Ymir rolling her eyes in the dim light of the lantern Maria held, he knew she was "Don't be like that. Eren, I know for a fact Ymir will miss you greatly. We packed everything carefully, and your trunk is labelled to help make sorting easier" Meaning that the sealed sword wouldn't be known by Erwin and Levi. They'd considered destroying it, but didn't know if that would cost Levi his life. Eren's plan was to stow is somewhere safe, where no human could ever find it "Thank you, Historia. I know... Things might be awkward with your father, but know, Eldia will continue to notify you each time a dragon passes on our soil. And we don't want war, so we'll respect your father's wishes. It's for the good of both out countries that we do" "Things won't always be this way" "And when they change, know Eldia will welcome you with open arms. Right, sir?" Levi cleared his throat, seemingly surprised he was being dragged into the conversation "Indeed. I feel as if there's other reasons to be indebted to you, but I want to thank you for looking after Eren. And I want to thank you for the hospitality you showed me before... Well, in any case. Thank you. Thank the three of you. Eren is indeed correct. You will always be friends of Eldia" "Ok. That's it for goodbyes. The others are waiting for Eren to shift so they can load the saddle up. Get out my country and stop looking at my Historia" Ymir's words caused the teen to laugh softly "Hurry up and marry her. You two are perfect together, and I can't wait to meet your children. I'm going to shift before Mikasa can start lecturing me, but once again, thank you" The sun was creeping above the horizon by the time Eren was loaded with both cargo and his passengers. By some miracle the crown and brooch he'd made Levi survived, while Armin had found and saved the one Levi had gifted him. His friend might not know how much it meant to him, but Eren was grateful. He was also sad to be returning home this way. He'd expected to be able to hold his head high, and not to be sneaking out in the cover of darkness. It made him feel like a petty criminal, while the cold air irritated his lungs. On his back, it felt weird to be carrying such a weight. The trunks were to the back of the saddle platform, placing pressure on his spine, and leaving in with the constant desire to "buck". He almost felt like a dog with a flea he needed to scratch off, and hoped to hell that this would never be necessary again. Maybe if he'd done this before, he wouldn't find it so annoying, but beggars couldn't be choosers and he wasn't risking another dragon's life over it all. Given his speed and wing span, the whole flight back to the castle was over in under half an hour. After so long, the castle seemed so foreign to him, or maybe it was the new prospective he was seeing it from. Landing in the training field, he walked his massive form over to the edge closest to the castle to make unloading easier. The soldiers that came to investigate, soon must have cursed their eagerness as they helped Erwin off his back, only for the man to vomit at their feet. He knew he shouldn't be laughing, but his tail thudded lightly against the grass while his body wiggled. The man would never make a dragon rider, even if he had two arms. Levi was fine, though it stung that he had to slip straight back into prince mode the moment his feet touched the ground. Mikasa and Armin naturally wouldn't leave him, Eren huffing in annoyance as they both leant on his face. For a mighty and ancient race, why had no one ever named the top part of the skull near his nostrils? Like, was it a "nose", or a "snout", or a "muzzle", or simply just "skull"? Whatever it was, he would have much preferred Levi's pats than being used as leaning post, especially when he had soldiers climbing up and down to unload the cargo on his back, all of which were clearly nervous, as their boots kept slipping on his scales. Hanji was the first "official" in the castle to appear, coming running right up to Levi and Erwin, before throwing her arms around them. Erwin was sent falling back onto his arse, his stump flailing as he tried to prevent the fall. Once again, Eren knew he shouldn't find it funny, but once they stepped foot back in the castle Erwin would go back to being an arse... and probably even more so without his arm. And plus, if he was laughing, he didn't have to concentrate on how shit he still felt over slicing Erwin's arm off. Less than 24 hours ago, he'd come out of a coma and straight into a shit storm. Abandoning Levi and Erwin, Hanji's eyes widened, her mouth widening into a maniacal grin that screamed she was already scheming experiments. This was home. This was his home, with all the idiots that made up the castle staff. Now he was home again, hopefully they could find some kind of normal. * There had been seem changes while Levi had been gone, and he wasn't loving them. Petra had moved her quarters closer to his, and had taken to undermining Hanji's authority by pulling the "I'll soon be the crown princess" card. She'd done a pretty terrible job, even demanding to be included in sorting the royal mail which was for Hanji's eyes only in their absence. Coming back find his personal desk in shambles, and Petra refusing to leave the sun room, as she fussed over Erwin's missing arm. He, Eren and Erwin needed to sit down and talk. Eren had obviously done something drastic. His lack of symptoms, or rather the sudden lack of symptoms, was Eren's fault. His boyfriend has said as much, but whatever Eren did, was it safe? The lack of not knowing, and the constant yammering of Petra had frayed his patience to the very end. Pinching the bridge of his nose, the woman was lucky he was above hitting women or willing to sacrifice a perfectly good tea cup by throwing it at her "For god's sake Petra. Enough. Will you please stop fussing over him, and go retrieve Eren" "My Prince?" That was another thing. Petra had started claiming him by that title... It only made him dislike his "bride-to-be" further. Pet names were only nice when they came from Eren... Which reminded him that Erwin was yet to release his commands on Eren "Petra, please go find Eren and bring him here. Make sure he understands that he's in no trouble, and if he's resting, let him. God knows we could all use the rest" "Then why are neither of you resting? Poor Levi has lost his arm. Surely that... surely the situation could have been resolved better than it was. I knew I should have come with you" That had never been on the cards to begin with. Once he'd received Eren's invitation, he'd notified everyone but Petra about his travel plans, then dropped it on her at the last moment so she wouldn't insist on coming "Look, Petra. No, you being there would have not changed a single thing. With what happened the loss of his arm was the best possible outcome in the situation. It was a tragic accident. Now, please stop this carrying on" "Well, what does Draecia say about this? Have they issued any form of compensation?" Erwin could have jumped in at any time to save him from this, but the man chose to quietly sip at his second cup of peppermint tea "Draecia is not to blame" "How can you not blame them!? Your bodyguard has lost an arm! He'll need replacing! Erwin may be skilled with a sword, but he is no longer fit to stand by your side" "Erwin will remain my bodyguard!" "I will not have the crown prince protected by anyone less than the best! Your refusal is completely unsatisfactory. I will take it upon myself to find a replacement. Perhaps even looking at a bodyguard for both of us. Especially with the wedding..." Pushing his chair back, Levi's voice dropped several degrees. The mess she'd made of his desk, and this fantasy she continued to entertain despite how many times he'd voiced his feelings on the matter... It pushed him right over the edge "Petra. You know this marriage is being forced upon both of us under the threat of war. I told you that you could stay here because our healers have been making headway with your father's condition, and you are a distinguished soldier. From the very start, I have told you I have no intention of marrying you. With recent events, the engagement will be dissolved. Now. You can leave. You've caused enough problems for both Levi and I, by undermining Hanji's decisions" "Prince Erwin?" He could hear the wobble in Petra's voice. No doubt, she'd expected some glorious reunion where he declared his love. Like that shit would happen. His affections started and stopped with Eren. That was it. And even that was up in the air... "No. I'm being serious here. There is a reason why Hanji is selected to act in our absence. She knows better than to rifle through documents that don't have anything to do with her. This is a reason why Levi is my right hand man, or left as it may be now. Draecia was not to blame for this incident. It was an accident caused by an Eldia on their soil... you will not pursue the matter and he will not be replaced. Now. I've had it with you. And I've had it with this mess. If you're not going to find Eren, I am. I need to talk with him about his time in Draecia. Erwin, take yourself down to see the healers. Flying doesn't agree with you, and if you throw up, I am not dealing with it. Petra. Just... don't be here when I return"

🏰⚔️🐲 DMODT 27 - Update

Flying with a pack saddle was a weird sensation, as Eren had never worn one before. He and Levi had been mid-fuck when Maria came for them. The dragon had been kind enough to let them finish, though Eren was kind of pissed Levi didn't knot him a third time, if Levi hadn't insisted on eating his arse out as he rode the alpha's face, maybe he would have gotten knotted again... stupid hindsight. The teen didn't know how their containment spell would work once they returned to Eldia, and waking to find his boyfriend himself, he couldn't help be greedy and want a moment for themselves, without thinking about everything that had happened the previous day. He'd pushed himself so hard he'd nearly broken, so waking in Levi's arms, all he wanted was for Levi to kiss away his pain from losing his ability to bear a clutch. He wanted to reconfirm that Levi had been scared, and that what they'd done had worked. The sex had been amazing, even with Levi's hands and ankles bound, it'd healed his body and removed his fatigue from the previous night, while healing his heart over what had happened the previous day. Levi did want him, the alpha was just struggling with his fear and the uncertainty of the future. He was at the centre of everything, but didn't understand. They'd need to talk, but first came reconnecting in the manner that worked best for them. He also may have told his lover a small lie, that he hadn't dreamt. He had. He'd dreamt of Rod Reiss not stopping, mixed with pain of having his scales torn from his skin. His dream had moved from Rod beating him, to Rod tearing the scales from his face as he was an "unworthy dragon"... All it took was Levi's warm hold to chase the fear away, and to anchor him to the moment. Supplying them both with fresh robes, Maria had forced him to eat as they walked, though Levi and the others would have to wait until they reached the castle before eating. Which Eren wasn't happy about. Sure, he might have had an insanely long day, but he wasn't hungry. All it took was thinking about the secret he was now hiding from Levi, and the uncomfortable twingings of the command in place over being honest about his health... he was stuck mentally justifying his actions in order to find relief from the command. The best argument he could come up with was that it was best Levi didn't know he might be pregnant, only for the pregnancy to slip and hurt the man even more. Reaching the clearing near where the field of cabins had been, Ymir and Historia were waiting with the rest of the Eldia party. Ymir pinching her nose as they approached. They could probably smell the sex that clung to their skins. Levi's already complained that he couldn't shower, while Eren relished smelling like his boyfriend. Reaching the group, Historia's voice was a whisper "I'm sorry you have to sneak off like this. It's hardly royal protocol" Eren didn't even think about protocol as he replied to his friend "It's ok. I'm just grateful I can thank you before we leave" "We need no thanks. Especially with all that happened" Giving him a quick hug, Ymir huffed in his direction as she released her nose. There was no real malice over Historia's hug, but she didn't look happy "I suppose I'm going to miss you" He knew he was going to miss her... He was going to miss all of them, except for Sina, and Rod. Privately, he'd hoped to see the lake again, but that was now impossible. He was going to miss watching the water dragons, and the sunsets across the water. Nope. He wasn't doing this. He had to hold his head up high and be normal "Nah. You've got Historia, and besides, you guys are always welcome" "That's a hell of a way to fly for a game of soccer" Eren shrugged, playing down the small glimmer of hope that he may see them both again some day "Then don't come. Make sure you take care of them" Even if he couldn't see Ymir rolling her eyes in the dim light of the lantern Maria held, he knew she was "Don't be like that. Eren, I know for a fact Ymir will miss you greatly. We packed everything carefully, and your trunk is labelled to help make sorting easier" Meaning that the sealed sword wouldn't be known by Erwin and Levi. They'd considered destroying it, but didn't know if that would cost Levi his life. Eren's plan was to stow is somewhere safe, where no human could ever find it "Thank you, Historia. I know... Things might be awkward with your father, but know, Eldia will continue to notify you each time a dragon passes on our soil. And we don't want war, so we'll respect your father's wishes. It's for the good of both out countries that we do" "Things won't always be this way" "And when they change, know Eldia will welcome you with open arms. Right, sir?" Levi cleared his throat, seemingly surprised he was being dragged into the conversation "Indeed. I feel as if there's other reasons to be indebted to you, but I want to thank you for looking after Eren. And I want to thank you for the hospitality you showed me before... Well, in any case. Thank you. Thank the three of you. Eren is indeed correct. You will always be friends of Eldia" "Ok. That's it for goodbyes. The others are waiting for Eren to shift so they can load the saddle up. Get out my country and stop looking at my Historia" Ymir's words caused the teen to laugh softly "Hurry up and marry her. You two are perfect together, and I can't wait to meet your children. I'm going to shift before Mikasa can start lecturing me, but once again, thank you" The sun was creeping above the horizon by the time Eren was loaded with both cargo and his passengers. By some miracle the crown and brooch he'd made Levi survived, while Armin had found and saved the one Levi had gifted him. His friend might not know how much it meant to him, but Eren was grateful. He was also sad to be returning home this way. He'd expected to be able to hold his head high, and not to be sneaking out in the cover of darkness. It made him feel like a petty criminal, while the cold air irritated his lungs. On his back, it felt weird to be carrying such a weight. The trunks were to the back of the saddle platform, placing pressure on his spine, and leaving in with the constant desire to "buck". He almost felt like a dog with a flea he needed to scratch off, and hoped to hell that this would never be necessary again. Maybe if he'd done this before, he wouldn't find it so annoying, but beggars couldn't be choosers and he wasn't risking another dragon's life over it all. Given his speed and wing span, the whole flight back to the castle was over in under half an hour. After so long, the castle seemed so foreign to him, or maybe it was the new prospective he was seeing it from. Landing in the training field, he walked his massive form over to the edge closest to the castle to make unloading easier. The soldiers that came to investigate, soon must have cursed their eagerness as they helped Erwin off his back, only for the man to vomit at their feet. He knew he shouldn't be laughing, but his tail thudded lightly against the grass while his body wiggled. The man would never make a dragon rider, even if he had two arms. Levi was fine, though it stung that he had to slip straight back into prince mode the moment his feet touched the ground. Mikasa and Armin naturally wouldn't leave him, Eren huffing in annoyance as they both leant on his face. For a mighty and ancient race, why had no one ever named the top part of the skull near his nostrils? Like, was it a "nose", or a "snout", or a "muzzle", or simply just "skull"? Whatever it was, he would have much preferred Levi's pats than being used as leaning post, especially when he had soldiers climbing up and down to unload the cargo on his back, all of which were clearly nervous, as their boots kept slipping on his scales. Hanji was the first "official" in the castle to appear, coming running right up to Levi and Erwin, before throwing her arms around them. Erwin was sent falling back onto his arse, his stump flailing as he tried to prevent the fall. Once again, Eren knew he shouldn't find it funny, but once they stepped foot back in the castle Erwin would go back to being an arse... and probably even more so without his arm. And plus, if he was laughing, he didn't have to concentrate on how shit he still felt over slicing Erwin's arm off. Less than 24 hours ago, he'd come out of a coma and straight into a shit storm. Abandoning Levi and Erwin, Hanji's eyes widened, her mouth widening into a maniacal grin that screamed she was already scheming experiments. This was home. This was his home, with all the idiots that made up the castle staff. Now he was home again, hopefully they could find some kind of normal. * There had been seem changes while Levi had been gone, and he wasn't loving them. Petra had moved her quarters closer to his, and had taken to undermining Hanji's authority by pulling the "I'll soon be the crown princess" card. She'd done a pretty terrible job, even demanding to be included in sorting the royal mail which was for Hanji's eyes only in their absence. Coming back find his personal desk in shambles, and Petra refusing to leave the sun room, as she fussed over Erwin's missing arm. He, Eren and Erwin needed to sit down and talk. Eren had obviously done something drastic. His lack of symptoms, or rather the sudden lack of symptoms, was Eren's fault. His boyfriend has said as much, but whatever Eren did, was it safe? The lack of not knowing, and the constant yammering of Petra had frayed his patience to the very end. Pinching the bridge of his nose, the woman was lucky he was above hitting women or willing to sacrifice a perfectly good tea cup by throwing it at her "For god's sake Petra. Enough. Will you please stop fussing over him, and go retrieve Eren" "My Prince?" That was another thing. Petra had started claiming him by that title... It only made him dislike his "bride-to-be" further. Pet names were only nice when they came from Eren... Which reminded him that Erwin was yet to release his commands on Eren "Petra, please go find Eren and bring him here. Make sure he understands that he's in no trouble, and if he's resting, let him. God knows we could all use the rest" "Then why are neither of you resting? Poor Levi has lost his arm. Surely that... surely the situation could have been resolved better than it was. I knew I should have come with you" That had never been on the cards to begin with. Once he'd received Eren's invitation, he'd notified everyone but Petra about his travel plans, then dropped it on her at the last moment so she wouldn't insist on coming "Look, Petra. No, you being there would have not changed a single thing. With what happened the loss of his arm was the best possible outcome in the situation. It was a tragic accident. Now, please stop this carrying on" "Well, what does Draecia say about this? Have they issued any form of compensation?" Erwin could have jumped in at any time to save him from this, but the man chose to quietly sip at his second cup of peppermint tea "Draecia is not to blame" "How can you not blame them!? Your bodyguard has lost an arm! He'll need replacing! Erwin may be skilled with a sword, but he is no longer fit to stand by your side" "Erwin will remain my bodyguard!" "I will not have the crown prince protected by anyone less than the best! Your refusal is completely unsatisfactory. I will take it upon myself to find a replacement. Perhaps even looking at a bodyguard for both of us. Especially with the wedding..." Pushing his chair back, Levi's voice dropped several degrees. The mess she'd made of his desk, and this fantasy she continued to entertain despite how many times he'd voiced his feelings on the matter... It pushed him right over the edge "Petra. You know this marriage is being forced upon both of us under the threat of war. I told you that you could stay here because our healers have been making headway with your father's condition, and you are a distinguished soldier. From the very start, I have told you I have no intention of marrying you. With recent events, the engagement will be dissolved. Now. You can leave. You've caused enough problems for both Levi and I, by undermining Hanji's decisions" "Prince Erwin?" He could hear the wobble in Petra's voice. No doubt, she'd expected some glorious reunion where he declared his love. Like that shit would happen. His affections started and stopped with Eren. That was it. And even that was up in the air... "I... I was trying to be of use to you. We are still to be wed. Prince Zeke has decreed it so, and... we've been engaged for over a year now. I thought..." He didn't care what she thought. Nor did he care for her hurt scent "No. I'm being serious here. There is a reason why Hanji is selected to act in our absence. She knows better than to rifle through documents that don't have anything to do with her. This is a reason why Levi is my right hand man, or left as it may be now. Draecia was not to blame for this incident. It was an accident caused by an Eldia on their soil... you will not pursue the matter and he will not be replaced. Now. I've had it with you. And I've had it with this mess. If you're not going to find Eren, I am. I need to talk with him about the incident that happened in Draecia. Erwin, take yourself down to see the healers. Flying doesn't agree with you, and you should have just stayed down there. Petra. Just... don't be here when I return" Gathering up his papers, he wasn't leaving them there for Petra to go through again. He knew he'd regret scrunching the paper once he got back to his quarters... but for everyone's sake, it was probably for the best that he didn't lose his temper further, less he black out again "Erwin?" "Let him go, Petra. Trust me on this" Oh, look. Erwin could fucking talk. Clenching her fists, Petra leapt to her feet, daring to glare at him "We aren't done talking. You were gone for twice as long as originally planned, and come back in a mood, and with Levi injured. Not only that. You failed to informed us that you would be bringing back... a magic user, as well as his two friends! Now. Tell me what is going on here! Do you not care about you kingdom?" "Of course I fucking do! Leading this kingdom is what is fucking up my life! I don't want to be married to someone I don't love! I would love to see this all resolved peacefully with Zeke, but Marley has made a clear move of aggression, and once things have been discussed, the engagement will be dissolved. Or at least it will be if Zeke does not wish to make his intentions public knowledge. As for Eren. Yes. I know you know his name. He and his friends have returned. Squad leader Mikasa will be returning to her previous role. Her squad will continue their protection of the port. As for you. Confer with Levi. Your father's quality of care will not be impacted" "Erwin?" This time it was Erwin calling "his" name. He didn't seem to be losing control of himself, yet he hadn't realised when he had last time... perhaps he had and missed it? "It's fine. Just take care of this" Stopping by his quarters to drop his papers off before seeking out Eren, he'd felt their bond growing stronger with proximity, yet wasn't expecting it to be because the teen was curled up in his bed snoring. Levi had thought Eren would be in his own quarters at the end of the hall. He'd kept the room empty in the hopes that Eren would return soon, and when they'd landed, he'd mentioned it to Eren before dragging Hanji away from the teen in his dragon form. The woman was already enough of a menace, and while Eren seemed to love his dragon form, it'd probably taken a lot out of him, especially given their earlier activities. Moving to place the pile of papers onto his dining table, Levi then walked to his bed, sinking down on the edge in order to untie his boots. If Eren was here, he didn't need to go searching for him... and he couldn't deny he wasn't exhausted from the last few days. One night of dreamless sleep, and morning of "recharging" sex, had been completely ruined by coming home. Shrugging his jacket off, Levi let out a soft sigh of relief. Since he'd come back in a robe, his image had taken a hit, and dressed in full garb after he'd showered, something he regretted on such a warm day, and even more so when the maid stoked the hearth in the sun room. Burning documents was the only way for them to remain truly secret, once the contents had been digested. He'd normally have opened a window, but Petra was busy fussing over Erwin's health, and he hadn't wished to cause a scene... Fat lot of good that had done. Climbing up his bed, Eren was sleeping so soundly that he didn't hear Levi shift the blankets aside, nor did he feel Levi rearranging the pair of them so that Eren's head rested in his lap as he stroked his hair. Part of him wanted to shake the omega awake and demand a thorough explanation of absolutely everything that had transpired since Eren had bolted, but another part was scared that if he did, he might not like the answer. He felt cowardly as he left Eren to sleep. The omega had bathed before climbing into his bed, and Levi was grateful for the consideration. Eren knew he tended to be a bit overly anal when it came how things had to be, yet he didn't laugh at him, nor did he hold it against him. If only he could marry him publicly. He was the kind of ruler that Eldia needed. The kind that put the people above lining their pockets. Not that Erwin was like that, but he also wasn't not like that. He refused to push higher taxes onto the society elite, out of fear of rebellion, even when that money could be used to better fund places such as orphanages. No. He let them keep their money, and he was rewarded with polite conversation to his face. As far as Levi was concerned, they were all fat pigs growing fatter... yet, he was no better than Erwin. He could force the tax issue, but if he did that and it turned to rebellion, it carried a risk of war and that was what he thought about. About all those people forced into the underground. The families torn apart. The smugness of Marley grinding Eldia to dust... He didn't know when his mind set began to change, only that it was now too late to change it. Not that he would allow himself to be walked over, like Eren would. The kid had... well, he didn't quite know. It sounded like Rod had struck him for disagreeing with him, but he distinctly remembered Eren being far too bloody for just a single hit, and the teen's magic would have healed him immediately. When Eren woke, he wasn't going to fall for the charms of his gloriously plump arse, nor for the charms of his thick thighs, and tight arse that was made for him. No. He was going to have that talk with Eren, and Eren wasn't worming his way out of it. Letting Eren sleep, Levi nodded off. The pair of them were woken by solid knocking on Levi's door. Whining softly, Eren nuzzled into Levi's stomach "I'm sorry, but I need to get up" "You're comfy" "I'm glad you think so" As the knocking continued, Levi growing annoyed. What was the point of having guards if they weren't going to stop people from annoying him "Who is it?!" "It's Petra. May we please speak? Please?" In his lap, Eren shot up "Shit" Levi couldn't help but smile at the teen's obvious panic "It's ok. I told her I didn't want to talk to her" "You can't avoid her" "I may have snapped at her earlier. Erwin was supposed to be talking to her about it" "Because Erwin is the most eloquent man in existence..." "Prince Erwin?!" "Not now, Petra!" Eren frowned at him "She's your fiancée" "I told her were legally finding a way to dissolve it. I mean. I'm cursed. The last thing I need is to lose my temper and kill her" "You won't kill her... wait... Did you tell her your infected? Are you feeling symptoms?" "Nope, and no" Levi blinked in confusion as Eren grabbed his shoulders, staring straight into his eyes "This is serious. Did you feel anything at all? Any anger? Any rage? Did you do anything?!" Levi shook his head, taking Eren's into his. Eren's concern scared him. It made him question if there had been other times he'd blacked out without knowing... "No. I mean. I was mad, but I don't think I blacked out. Petra no doubt would have said something, and if not her, Erwin" Eren slumped with relief "Ok. Ok. That's good. It means everything is working. But you need to tell me if you feel any symptoms at all. Headaches. Nightmares. Hallucinations. Even small things..." "Eren. You need to tell me what you did. You said you did something to ease this, but what? I don't understand how. I'm infected with Obsydin. That's it, isn't it? That's why I'm blacking out. Why I'm getting angry. Why our bond felt strange... I'm infected and you did something about it. Now, I need to know what" "It doesn't matter" "Eren!" Scrambling off Levi's bed, Eren threw his hands up "It doesn't matter! I did what needed to be done. I sealed the sword, ok. Historia and I sealed it so it would never be drawn again. But I don't know if what we did will hold, so I need to know. I need to know that it's still in place... that it wasn't all for nothing!" Climbing off his bed at a much slower pace, Levi kept his movements slow and deliberate, so as to not scare Eren "Please, Eren. Just tell me. I'm not going to force you, and you can choose not to, but I won't be mad" "I can't. Not this. Please let me keep this one to myself" Wrapping his arms around his stomach, Eren's scent was growing distressed as he hunched over "Hey... what's happening?" "C-command. I'm going against your command..." "No. No, you're not. I told you that you didn't have to tell. You can have this secret, for now. As long as your honest about why you appeared covered in blood. What happened?" "You mean I didn't have to tell?" Yes. Levi would love more than anything for Eren to tell... but if he got him talking, his omega might just let it slip "Not right now" Eren slipped back to the bed, just out of his hold. His body language yelling that he didn't want to be touched "It was Rod. When I yelled about the sword, he heard... you know, about how we dragons and riders have super senses. He sent Sina after me... He... uh. Lost his head about everything and took it out on me" "He hit you?" "He did a bit more than that" "I'm going to fucking kill him!" "Wait... We can't. We can't go to war over something so pathetic" "Pathetic? He hurt you. That's not ok. That's never ok" "He just lashed out. It healed, and besides, he's a small man scrambling to control a dying race. He was scared!" "He fucking hurt you! What did he do? Bash the fuck out of you!? Break a few bones?! Well that just magically makes it ok!" Eren flinched away, just as a loud crack came "Prince Erwin!" Kicking open his door, Petra had her sword raised as she looked from him to Eren. Her face filling with anger and disgust, probably over the fact Eren was seated on his bed, which had clearly been slept in. Well this was awkward. His lover, and his fiancée "Petra! What do you think you're doing? These are my private quarters" Sheathing her sword, she stood taller "I heard yelling" "As you can see, everything is just fine" "It is not fine. What is all of this? An infection? Eren using his magic? What is with his face? Are those scales? Is he sick? Is he infected? Did he cause the incident in Draecia? The loss of Levi's arm?" Levi loved the scales on Eren's face, the bright shimmering greens were beautiful. Growling, he moved to place himself between Eren and Petra "None of this is your business or concern" "I'm your fiancée!" "No. You're just..." Grabbing Levi's arm, Eren tugged him back "What Prince Erwin means to say it that the matter of infection has been handled. Levi lost his arm due to his own carelessness. He knows it, we know it, and Draecia knows it. However, over that incident, Prince Erwin was not given a full explanation, which is why I am here. As you have noticed, I do have scales on my face, but I am not contagious. I would not place the Eldia people in danger over such a thing as a contagious infection. Now. The prince is tired. Draecia is a joyous, and free country, which may be hard to handle if you are not used to heights and flying. The Prince will had time to talk to you about all of this, but not today or tonight. Surely you must understand, from your time with soldiers who experience traumatic events, the mind needs time to heal. For now, that is the best thing for them" "Then I expect you shall be leaving too?" "Indeed. As you mentioned, we were yelling, but for now things are sorted. The Prince has nothing to fear" The shit. He'd taken Petra's game and turned it back on her, and for that the woman looked livid. Not that Levi wasn't also mad. Eren had wriggled his way out of telling him everything again. Rising, Eren made towards the door, Levi grabbing him by the arm in a return of the gesture "Actually Eren, there are a couple more things I could use your help with, before you do leave. Just things to do with Draecia. Petra, please leave. As Eren said, I need to rest, so this will be short" Petra glared for several long moments, before huffing and rushing out, slamming the door behind her. Pulling Eren up against him, Levi shook his head "Don't let her walk over you" "We need to be more careful" "No..." "People can't know about us, and even if you and I had been together before I left, can you imagine the fallout? Petra knew we were sleeping together, and she's probably going to make sure the whole castle knows before long" "She wouldn't. Her pride would let her" "We can't leave it like this. I really should be going" Levi nuzzled into Eren's neck, he didn't want to be left alone, or Eren walking the castle alone. They'd never discussed the fact his marks would now be seen by the whole royal court. For two smart people, they'd acted like idiots. Levi had thought once Eren returned, things would just fall into place "You can't keep running away from me" "I'm not. It's just been a bit of a mess since I woke up" "Now? Or when you woke from falling asleep in my bed? I was surprised to find you here" Instead of nuzzling back, Eren just kept his face hidden against Levi's neck "My old quarters weren't ready, so I told the guards I had permission from you to wait here. I really needed a shower, and your bed was right there... are you mad?" "Not at all. You're welcome in this room at any time. I wish it was more permanently though" "Don't say that... I really should leave though, Petra is probably waiting outside to make sure I do" "Let her. I have honestly had enough of her shit. She talked and fussed over Erwin for two hours straight, and if that wasn't enough, she undermined all of Hanji's decisions while we were gone. The main reason I came down here was to escape her. I even brought my work here with me, though the papers may have ended up a little scrunched" Eren snorted against him, pressing a kiss to neck, before pulling away "Then you should get started. My room should be ready by now" "And if I asked you stay?" "Will you do all your work?" "Of course I will, brat. I'm not you" Eren gave him a warm smile, his eyes sparkling with more happiness than he could remember seeing since... if sex didn't count, then the last time would have been before the sword incident "Then I'll stay. But you have to do all of it" "I know. Seriously. Petra has no idea the amount of work she's made for me" "I think her intentions were in the right place" "I'd really rather they weren't. Are you hungry? I can send for food" "I could eat, but you're just trying to get out of work" "I am not. I'm simply worried for you" "You don't need to be, and please, don't worry about your own condition so much. I mean, I still need to know if symptoms present, but don't be afraid to be yourself" "If I was myself, I wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. But then again, it is because I am, that I met you. The centre of all my affections" Eren gave him quick kiss, before walking over to the bed and sprawling across it. His long legs slightly spread, but unfortunately covered by the pair of black pants he was wearing. Waving his hand towards the dining table, his voice took on a mocking "royal" tone "And you are mine, my good sir. Now, get to work" * Falling back to sleep in Levi's bed, his boyfriend woke him when he joined him for the night, insisting he strip out of his tight pants and tunic in order "to be more comfortable", while Eren was sure that it was because his boyfriend was a sexually insatiable. To Levi's credit, the man had poured over the paperwork, while Eren had offered suggestions and calmed him when his alpha grew annoyed or angered. Curling around him, Levi nuzzled at his neck, then promptly fell asleep. Eren would have laughed if it hadn't run the risk of waking his alpha. Sometimes Levi reminded him of a small child, especially with how peaceful he looked as he slept... but he couldn't help but wonder if they'd even be laying here like this, if Levi knew the truth of what he'd done. When the morning came, Eren slipped out from under Levi, in hopes of stealing the first shower given how much he'd slicked in his sleep. He'd barely stepped under the warm water when Levi was joining him. Biting his bottom lip lightly, Levi jerked his erection slowly as his eyes travelled down Eren's body "See something you like?" "Something like that" "Only something?" "I see a lot of what I like, and a sneaky little shit who crept out of bed" "I slicked in my sleep" "I know. The sheets are still wet with it" Leaning in, the teen stole a quick kiss "Are you going to punish me for it?" "I think I might..." "Then get on with it. I have a room to unpack and you have a kingdom to rule" Releasing his erection, Levi stepped under the running water, pulling Eren close by his hips, both moaning into the heated kiss as Levi's hands slipped to grope his arse. Feeling the gently prompting with his fingers tips, he let himself be lifted by his arse, legs wrapping around his alpha's waist "I'm going to fuck you so hard" "Good..." Pinned against the shower wall, Eren had come the moment Levi had pushed in, so aroused from whatever he'd been dreaming about. Laughing at him between kisses, Levi then took his time to thoroughly fuck him senseless, until he was literally boneless in his arms. The alpha had way too much stamina when it came to drawing out the pleasure, and turning him into a babbling mess. Coming a second time, didn't slow Levi at all. Over stimulated and feeling full, Levi finally picked his pace up, knotting him a long grunt. Letting his legs go limp, he was held in place by Levi's panting form "Eren?" "Mmm" "You ok?" "Mhmm" "Good" "You?" "Mhmm" "Good. Fuck... Would it be rude if I spent the whole day in bed?" Levi kissed his chest, before rubbing his cheek against the spot "Do I get to spend it with you?" "No. You've got to be princely" "Then yes. Incredibly rude. So rude I don't know what to say" "I'm not spending it in your bed..." "That's even worse. I wanted to finish our conversation yesterday, but paperwork happened" "What was left to talk about?" Couldn't they just bask in the pleasant afterglow? He liked the afterglow. He liked the way Levi's knot was caught him, and the way his alpha's penis swelled to stretch him wide open as the alpha's seed flooded into him. He liked the way their bond felt stronger and how his magic loved the alpha just as much as he did. He didn't want to keep using his words "About how certain you are over the sword being sealed? This relationship. What we're going to say about scales?" Ugh. Adult responsibilities. He was tired of them. Maybe he'd find somewhere else to take a nap... "I'm not ashamed of them, but I do know the danger. This relationship. I don't want to give it up. Or for anything to change. I'm a little bit dragon and you're a little bit cursed. If things change, I'll let you know. And if you change, we'll work it out. And the sword should be sealed for good. I've... placed it somewhere safe for now. To be honest, I think the magic should hold, but if anything were to go wrong, it would be during your rut, and I'm here with you. I'll do everything I can for you, so can you please just stop asking me questions while you're still coming in my arse and I'm too tired to human" "Ok... I shouldn't have pushed" "I love that you do. I just wish you'd trust that I care for you more than the rest of the world" Levi shook his head, hiding his face "I don't know how you can say such shit so easily" "Because it's true. Or at least, that is how I feel. Let me turn your word into a sword, and help you lead this kingdom. The people need their prince, and I want to be the one to support you" "What happens if you chose to leave one day?" "You foolish prince, I left you alone, you'd fall to pieces. No. No matter what, I will do my best for you and for Eldia. I love you. I can't even say your name to tell you, but I do" "Fucking commands" "It's ok... it was the right thing to do to protect the kingdom..." Eren regretted his wording. He needed to find a way to repair all of this between him, Levi and Erwin... Maybe he'd seek the man out later? If Erwin wasn't going to be the responsible one, he needed to step up. For the state of the kingdom, and for the sake of the one he loved.