#internalised fatphobia
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newly disabled regina + eating disorder regina is a painful and extremely angsty combination. like just imagine how out of control she feels after being hit by the bus and breaking her spine, and she’s trying to lose the weight from the kalteen bar situation but not being able to function or live her life the way she did before, much less exercise, but she still tries to anyway and hurts herself in the process because she wants nothing more than to have her old body back, both the one that wasn’t in pain all the time and one that was 10lbs smaller 😭
#internalized ableism#internalised fatphobia#yeah i’m projecting#regina george#need a name for this au/headcanon#POTSie regina george???#it’s a concept#mean girls 2024#renee rapp
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TW mentions of internalised fatphobia
I think one of the worst things about being fat is the constant thought of having to prove yourself. Like as a kid, I always thought to myself it's ok that I'm fat because I'm strong. I have desirable physical traits that don't require being skinny. Now that I'm older it's more, it's only ok that I'm fat if I work out. Otherwise people will think I'm fat because I'm lazy and ate too much and just needed to work out. If I tell people I work out then they wouldn't think that. But that's dumb. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. So now I try to fight that in my head and try and end the sentence at "it's ok that I'm fat".
#its not perfect#but im getting there#body positivity#body neutrality#let fat people exist#internalised fatphobia
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Me - Being fat and wearing a shirt that shows tummy when it's not meant to show tummy: I am the ugliest thing alive
Me - Being fat and wearing a crop top which shows lots of tummy: I am the sexiest motherfucker to ever exist
#fat#internalised fatphobia#confidence#crop tops#big tummy#self confidence#overcoming interalised fatphobia
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so last week I binged all of wwdits in two days, and one of the side effects I've quickly noticed is its impact on my body image? I've been in a rut in terms of self-esteem lately and trying to dig my way out while also fighting off disordered eating habits as they try to creep back in, but seeing guillermo and laszlo just being themselves and being incredibly awesome and sexy AND fat??? not despite it?? I'm not going to say it's a miracle cure bc of course it's not but damn if it doesn't make me at least pause and rethink my own attitudes sometimes
#wwdits#what we do in the shadows#laszlo cravensworth#guillermo de la cruz#tw disordered eating#internalised fatphobia#body image#self esteem
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Understand that I'm trying to say this as gently as possible, but fatphobic culture and diet culture normalises a lot of very unhealthy ways of relating to food. Calorie counting and dieting and skipping meals are normalised methods of disordered eating, even if they don't constitute a full Eating Disorder. Frequently weighing yourself too is a normalised way of developing self hatred for nothing, because it doesn't serve any purpose other than to flagellate yourself--and even if it was a useful corollary for health, it would still be concerning compulsive behaviour. If you were frequently measuring your blood pressure, or your heart rate, or some other easly monitored indicator of health, that would be concerning too, because it would be clear that it takes up an outsized amount of your focus. The fact that you (deliberately?) purge is above and beyond even that.
I don't want to preach to you, but it might be helpful to consider why you do these things, and how it would make you feel if tomorrow you just stopped doing these things. Could you stop? Could you just stop weighing yourself and counting calories and throwing up? Do you think these things are actually health promoting, and if they are do you think they're worth the harm they do? You don't have to answer these to me, but you should think about it.
I know learning about all the garbage lies peddled by fatphobia has been a struggle for you. I really wish the best for you.
thank you so much for worrying love, it's very kind of you. i am reading over this a few times to take all of it in and understand.
i definitely can stop (and have many times) but it tends to be detrimental for me to do so. when i stop weighing myself every day and stop calorie counting, my weight shoots up very fast. i've gained 20kg (44lbs) in the last year because i stopped and tried to let my body just be as it is, and now everything is a lot more frustrating and difficult because of the gain. my chronic pain is worse, and i can't afford to replace the clothing/equipment that's no longer suited to my rapidly expanding frame
i struggle very deeply with the fatposi movement because my internalised fatphobia is so intense. i have zero fatphobia when it comes to anybody else, and i'm so proud of so many people i know and see for letting go of that life and living authentically and loving who they are now - i envy them. i just know in my soul, i can't do that. in the same way i am unfathomably cruel to myself over little mistakes and accidents that aren't even my fault, how i can be so outright abusive to myself, i know at the same time that i could never by any stretch of the imagination be that way to another person that's not me. the only person i can ever deliberately hurt is me, because i am not worth anything, so it doesn't matter
the same goes for the fatness rule. i am proud of, and happy for, everybody else accepting their fatness. it just can't be me.
i don't know how to let go of the ingrained, rock-solid belief that seems etched into my very being that i will finally be happy and worth something when i'm thin. the things i would agree to if someone could just snap their fingers and make me thin in exchange are absolutely horrifying. i want it more than anything. it has been my whole life's desire for decades and at this point, i don't know how to not want it so much. i just want to be worth something more than anything in the world and i don't know how to uncouple my worth from thinness. i don't see thinness as worth or fatness as a lack of worth in any other human being, so i don't know why i can't escape it when it comes to me
i will say that i cannot stop doing these things again, at this stage, i have to keep doing them to keep control over the situation before it escalates and gets even worse. i know these things are horrible and probably will lead to a full blown ED if i don't watch out, but the alternative is something i just cannot afford. i am so so grateful to everybody for trying to help. i just need to figure out some kind of balance. <3
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thinking about being fat and how like 80% of my body dysphoria/internalised fatphobia would go away if the people around me accepted fat people as normal and natural and beautiful
like. it's been a very long journey for me to find acceptance in my body. i haven't even reached body positivity for myself yet, only neutrality at best. but the world is stuck in body negativity, and when your entire environment is telling you one thing while you're desperately trying to tell yourself another... it's hard man. it wears you down.
and it's an uphill battle. one day i feel ok about myself, or maybe, miraculously, even good. and then someone says something - an offhand comment, or a targeted one - or my clothes cling a bit too tightly or there's a new diet ad on tv or a surgeon i consult about life changing (life giving) top surgery says he won't do it until i lose weight because otherwise it won't look nice enough (no medical reason whatsoever, just your results would look better if you weren't so fat)... and I'm thrown right back into self hate, eating disorders, avoiding mirrors and any clothes that aren't at least a size too big.
I'm so tired. and while I'm obviously mad and tired about the fatphobia of the world around me, I'm more tired of how it infiltrates my own thinking and views of myself and others. I've found myself thinking, "oh well at least I'm not as big as them", or "I'm only 30kg above my ideal weight, it could be worse" or "at least i eat healthily and I'm trying, unlike some"... who do these thoughts benefit? not me, certainly not other fat people. I'll tell you: it benefits a thin world. diet companies and fatphobic doctors and personal trainers and the health food shop and the vegan restaurant and the fast food shop you binge eat at because it's never gonna get better, I'm never gonna be thin, so why do i even try?
i don't know what my point is. i don't even need a point. I'm just angry, and sad, and tired. it shouldn't be this way.
#dogpost#fatphobia#internalised fatphobia#medical fatphobia#medical discrimination#no bold#long post#some days i think i love my hairy fat trans bear body! other days (sometimes the same days) i want to die because of it
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I put on some weight cause I haven't been moving much (cause, you know, PAIN) and also I'm on my period. So now my brains just jumped straight to "you are not allowed to eat anything ever again because you are disgusting"
Thank you brain. That's completely a totally a reasonable and rational response. That's exactly how human bodies work and that's great for my overall health.
YOU FUCKING UTTER PIECE OF SHIT ORGAN GET OUT OF HERE 🧹🧠
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I’m gonna vent for a sec (lmk if I need to add any more TWs)
I honestly don’t know if I’m nonbinary or a trans man. Ever since I can remember I always wanted to be a boy and as a child (I know this isn’t inherently a trans thing and mainly based on gender norms) I only hung out with boys, didn’t like girly things and didn’t really understand girls. As an autistic person it’s especially difficult for me to understand gender norms and gender altogether which is why I’ve labelled myself as nonbinary. When I see men or trans men though, I have this intense feeling of longing and I just desperately want to be like them. That is until I try binding or dressing in a more masculine way and then I get dysmorphia (not dysphoria) because I have internalised fatphobia and feel as though the only way to look nice as a man is to be skinny (I only feel this about myself, not towards any trans men or men, that would be fucked up). When I’ve tried binding, I feel like I instantly become unattractive because I’m removing one of the only “good” things about being fat (my boobs). Again this applies to no one but myself, fat is beautiful, I just have a terrible body image. I want to look exactly like a man and pass and to hang out with people and for them to see me as a man. But I don’t know if I am a man. Maybe I just want to be skinny and androgynous? I’ve never been able to look androgynous because I have very feminine features but if I did then I think I would feel really happy. My fantasies about being a man are so vivid and don’t relate to any specific scenario, I want to be seen as a man hanging out with other men, I want to be seen as a man whilst dating people, I want to be seen as a man when I go shopping etc. I just feel so confused and I know how much this makes me sound like an egg and honestly I just might be but I find it so hard to take any real steps towards affirming my identity with how I currently look and present. Not only that but my partner is a cishet man so he would leave me. I just want to look like my gender but I don’t even know what that is.
If anyone has any advice about this please let me know, I feel so confused.
-Blue🌌
#tw fatphobia#fatphobia#fatphobia tw#internalised fatphobia#vent#tw vent#vent tw#rant#tw rant#rant tw
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any tips for internalised fatphobia, your girl is struggling a lot at the moment and needs help, like really needs help
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an ode to the body where the owner doesn’t want it to exist
tw. mentions of eating disorders, fatphobia, loath.
20.
it's been almost twenty years since this body wanted a poem to exist on
their name/ how do you explain to the foetal body that it's twenty year old
fragility doesn't want to exist/ probably the future self visited the twenty day
old baby and explained it's trauma of living too long and wished for it to not
exist/ it knew if we could prepone the death, the suffering wouldn't be
relived again/ however, the foetality expresses the fragility that it will fight to
exist/ unfortunately it does with machines, restrictions and steroids/foetality forgets the fatality of the fragile/
19.
can nineteen years of existence be documented in nineteen hundred worth unwritten diaries of being the nihilistic nil of the (not) normal/ is it normal to define yourself (not your body) only by quotes of your favourite tv show/ what happens if you lose the obsession of favouriting a thing over a person that won't stay longer than the thing you (sort of) hold right now/ how does feel to be the person who annihilatively abuses their own body/
18.
how do you learn to equate eighteen years of drowning with eighteen seconds of laps around the blue black green pool/ it always starts with one thing that we look at eight in the morning that turns into eighteen years of abhorrence and lack of courage to eliminate it completely/ how do you learn to stay inside this body/ when the whining turns weight into weirdly worthless words/
17.
can we forgive the seventeen to the power of seventeen sorts of mistakes we did to prove ourself unworthy of the body we didn't choose to be born in/ how do we learn to obsess over the differences in the body and call them as negatively as flaws/ how do we hatch the hummingbird when the hummingbird heaves the ham left off on the hawthorn hill/
16.
how do you unlearn the sixteen times you felt uncomfortable in your skin/it
is always the one urge that makes you pick up the six different instruments
you thought would help to remove the piece of flesh you loath; the
emptiness with it/the sweet sixteen souvenirs you sought to saw, saw the
saltiness/
15.
when was the last time you counted till fifteen before which you lost the urge to kill people/yourself/ how does it feel being the fifteen year old who said no to the water when it said it didn't want you to drown in it/ fifty-fifty faults that fret the frown of its fraternity/
14.
have you ever tried crouching down the fourteen inch space and wish you could turn into thin air while doing it/ do you know how does it feel to be the fourteen year kid who said no for the first time to a boy who fucked you (not your body) for the fourteenth time without your consent/ the guilty gorges the gala as the galaxy starts to fall apart with gall/
13.
do you believe that the appreciating the folds you have within learns to internalise the hate you give it; so much that it no more hates you for the thirteen cuts you gave it while 'accidents'/ is there a one in three chance of dating someone who will understand the suffocation you carry in regard to how much you hated your body before and do now/ spiralling through the sought services, slithered through the sovereignty of self/
12.
why does twelve feel like the aspirational size of a person who tried too
many different clothes and people never doubted them for having a eating
disorder/ how does it feel to be the one who took two pills and thought it
was enough to gorge the twelve pukes you did last night/ alas the album
arrived at the altar and apologised the artist that abased it/
11.
the moment you start making the calculation one plus one is equal to eleven
is when you realise that your sense of self got very lost in the ditch you
thought would kill your body/ how does your body learn to forgive you when
you haven't learnt to forgive yourself/ originality lost the opportunity in the
opera's opus due to the onset of obliterate obstruction/
10.
i think the day i turned ten was the day i thought i was the happiest with the way i looked; until i realised it wasn't/ when you understand that the ten
people who want to buy you dresses can't do so because you're not the
normal size is one of the reasons why you fell down your bicycle because
you can't let go of the fear of never fitting in; in clothes and the world/
callings of the caught caused the culprit to cage the cupid's chyme out of
the C-shaped container/
9.
a stich in time saves nine but when nine looks like the extended zero where
you made a fool of yourself in ninth grade by falling in love with someone
who wasn't a body but your soul/ how does it feel to be the body that never
thought wrong of the soul it inhibits/
8.
how do you be the forgiver, the eight kilogram piece of mass from the body that the soul doesn't want anymore because they never felt happy nor will be with you/ how do you learn to understand the soul's desperation to leave because of the fat-phobic world it tries to survive in, every day/ how do you
learn to understand the eight times the soul had been frustrated and angry
on the world and not on you/
7.
when was the last time you were actually happy with the way you look/ how
does the body deal with the fact that no one will ever call it pretty but
always beautiful/ when was the last time you felt the oversized shirt be
oversized on your body/ the seventh moment when you noticed that your
fingers and wrists started getting fat is the day you begin to detest the sight
of your body because they were the only parts of which were ever thin and
you loved them so dearly/
6.
why does no one ever understand that we know that we are fat and thick
and curvy and you loath us when we are happy with someone or something;
we already know it because you never let us not feel it/ my body says that it
doesn't want your toxic positivity; what it wants is to exist, whichever way it
is/ how does one stop abusing the body six to the power six times when it
can't learn to stop abusing itself/
5.
when a five-year-old realises that fat is not an adjective but a substitute for
the word ugly is when they learn to internalise how the world isn't gonna
give them flowers and chocolates for them being themselves/ what hurts
the most is when your body doesn't have any choice but to forgive your
abusers and bullies; no matter how much they don't want to, because you
even know that your soul is one of them and your soul hurt you the most
than what others did/
4.
how do you make people understand the four by four times you said that words cut deeper because they come back each and every time your body gets triggered by that one word that echos four times into your brain during the time when you're not your best/ how do you unlearn the hate your body gave you and vice versa
3.
when you're three years into this journey and you realise that people don't seem to like you is the day you start blaming your body more than you should because nothing else seems to come to your mind/ how do you learn to exist in this body because you are trying to prioritise your body's wishes over yourself because that's all you have ever seemed to have learnt/
2.
how do you learn to distinguish between hate and concern that lingers through every fiber of your body because someone said that one phrase that made you lose your mind two into two to the power of two into two times each day/ can you ever try to exist as whole without anyone ever trying to not say that you are the promoter of obesity/
1.
how do i learn to distinguish between my internalized fatphobia or the need to not have my breasts because that was what my abuser loved the most and i don't love my abuser anymore/ how do i learn to sort my identity when i can't seem to learn to sort myself/
0.
please help me how to learn to exist because i can't anymore for my body/ please let me survive/ please let me live, oh soul that wishes so much not to exist/ the body whispers to the soul ‘is this ode not enough'/
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Honestly I hate that my own relationship with food is so fucked up. I just think cooking for someone you love is lovely, it is a very soft and gentle way of caring for them, not only keeping them nourished but making meals you know they will enjoy, meals that will make them happy, it is simply a really powerful and tender way to love. And the few times I have been able to cook something for someone I loved were the loveliest of meals I've had with them. But I don't cook for myself. I don't consider food a pleasure anymore, I see it as this horrible thing I have to ingest to stay alive and for my body to function, but I hate it and actually avoid it if I can, and when I do it's always so laced with guilt and self-hatred
So I don't really cook for myself, and as a result I haven't been able to practice cooking for the women I love either. It just feels wrong to use so many ingredients to practice cooking properly and then throw it all away after the first bite. And at the same time, to eat all the sweet things I want to learn how to make, the thought alone already makes my head scream "regret". And I hate it so much
I hate that I do not know how to properly love like this because I was never able to love myself in the same way
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My dash is making me remember how I always feel so bad for asking to sit down I never do my anxiety always gets the better of me but I don’t want to mod conversation always ask people for a chair. I think there’s a bit of internalised (probably a lot) of fatphobia there to I just don’t want to make myself more of a skeptical. I guess I don’t want to acknowledge my disability even when I don’t have to despite the fact that it effects 90% of my existence. Then I’m like why do I feel so bad asking for support? Probably because it’s not normalized enough. I never see anyone in the same situation so I never know how to approach it.
#random thoughts#disability#ableism#internalised fatphobia#22q11.2deletionsyndrome#chair assistance#disabled#disabled thoughts
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For so long I followed other peoples’ rules about what was deemed pretty. I strayed so far from my natural self that it feels weird to rediscover myself the way I was meant to be. And I find it really difficult to let go of those silent expectations that I can still feel linger in my mind as if they’re my own. But I know they’re not mine because before anyone told me what I should look like I liked myself. I didn’t care if my curly hair was “big” or my teeth weren’t white, that my belly wasn’t flat and that the soft little hairs on my lip were visible. I liked the shade of my skin before it became a subject for other people to talk about. Loved it even. And now years later I’m trying really hard to let go of the changes I’ve made to make other people more comfortable. And I’m trying to do so with the love and kindness that I always should’ve had. But I also feel anger and resentment against the people that made me feel like I had to change the way I was. Eventhough most of them probably had good intentions. And I don’t know what to do with that anger.
#I wish I could've loved myself all along#i truly am beautiful#younger me deserved so much more#i want to scream at everyone who made me feel unlovable#self discovery#I try to be kind#Body issues#racism#fat shaming#internalised fatphobia#internalised racism
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Girl really got angry over their public post ppl can respond to... Bye sweety?
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I know internalised fatphobia got me good when I see weight loss as a medication side effect and my first thought is 'oh that's great for me!' :(
#happened with acne meds a while ago and now its happened with adhd meds too#internalised fatphobia#internalized fatphobia#fatphobia#slime speaks
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Book boys. so that i can rest in peace
#art cabinet#good omens#good omens book#aziraphale#crowley#book aziraphale#book crowley#aziracrow#I keep seeing people insulting stockier/chunkier depictions of az#calling him morbidly obese. what do you have to be use to in order to have such a skewed view of bigger bodies ?#christ beyond. sorry#minirant in the tags because i am siiiick of the internalised fatphobia that runs through the world#looking at you. the reader. straight in the eyes. Fat people are not disgusting
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