#im so worried about what people WOULD think about these things. like im gonna be fully honest
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Here I am back with some hot takes about what I, personally, would do in the BG3 universe were I yeeted into it and forced to be... the Main Character
First of all, I love the idea of having played the game before getting sucked into the world because it adds a layer of horror that I don't think would even benefit you one bit. Knowing exactly what's going to go down would be DISABLINGLY horrific.
But OK. OK, so let's say I'm there. And I get granted like, main character abilities. Sorcerer makes the most sense cause like, you just HAVE powers. Gucci. We good.
I would gay panic the minute I met Shadowheart. Sorry. End of world what? Half elf with twinkling eyes and a swaying braid just told me to be her leader. Im- hghhh
Laezel I honestly think I could hold my own against. When it comes to fight or flight I am a flightless bird and her particular brand of bullying in the first act I know I could assert myself.
Gale... besties. I married my partner partially because I love info dump. As a kid I watched a movie about robots who rich people had in their homes like a Google or a Alexa but human shaped and you could ask them questions all day and I was like, I want one. Gales that guy. I wanna listen all day. But if he fell in love with me I'd be so mad 😠 no, wizard. Sit down and tell me fun facts. No thirsting.
Because I'm traumatized with a deep desire to feel safe I think I'd gravitate to Wyll a lot for organizing the camp, spending time together, easing fears, etc. He's also really safe to physically be around so I can see myself being quick to instigate hugs and stuff. No getting a crush on me tho, Wyll, no. Down boy.
Karlach probably would intimidate me more than Laezel. Lemme just say, not because she's bad, but because she's a firecracker. Her explosive rage in her personal quest would probably have me hanging back but then when we get back to camp we'd be chill pretty quick
I'd be all over Halsin because he'd make me feel safe, also. I have this thing about safety. He's also so concerned with the shadow curse I wouldn't worry about his crush at all but would very much enjoy his warm presence by the fireside
At the Goblin Party, I guarantee I'd not sleep with Astarion, mostly because HOW he comes on to you would be a big nope for me. Gale with his "pay attention to only me tonight or else I'm not gonna show u a magic trick would have me being like k bye, I'd comfort Wyll and give him space, I'd walk past Karlach and wish her well partying, I'd ignore Laezel and if she told me I smell good sweaty I'd go bathe in the lake.
In fact, sorry, but I am NOT engaging in a big party until after I get a bath at the druid camp. Maybe I saved the tieflings just to be able to make them make me a hot bath. I'm just saying.
I'm walking into that party CLEAN and I'll sit with Shadowheart at the waterfall and I wouldn't be allowed to drink because I'm sober 😭 but I think my entire horny ass party would be very disappointed
Then I'd go and dance like an absolute hoe on a rock to let off steam in the middle of camp, still sober, and pass out by the fire.
#baldurs gate 3#bg3#astarion#astarion ancunin#gale dekarios#bg3 karlach#wyll ravengard#lae'zel#shadowheart#halsin
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another old oc, she's a tooth fairy!!
#art#traditional art#watercolour#oc art#ocs#oc group: unsorted#oc: unnamed#i know ive definitely posted her a bunch before but that was a hot minute ago#gonna say something that sounds absolutely insane but hear me out: so ive been on a women drawing kick recently#hjlkfdjkfds LISTEN this is SO dumb but my oc situation has been kind of a sausage party in general recently because like#i wanted to make more women and this is gonna sound more insane but i think. i subconciously scared myself off from it because#i guess i felt like since im pretty alienated from a lot of common experiences of 'womanhood' that it would be like. disrespectful?#of me if i tried to write what i didnt know. which is an absolutely absurd thing to worry about because FIRST OF ALL#these are funy little ocs its not that serious AND SECOND OF ALL if i can write about robots and fairies and shit then i can definitely#make a cartoon character who struggles with the expectations and barriers placed upon women in our society and THIRD OF ALL#people who are further away from these experiences than even me will write whatever why cant i. plus at least i care to learn secondhand#anyway i noticed that weird ass subconcious restriction i put on myself for now reason and tossed it away LOL#get ready for all my strange women ocs...... get ready
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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Hi, I've been inspired by the composition and abstract style of your artwork for a while now, if I made an experimental art piece inspired by your composition style would you want me to credit you as an inspo? or would you just not be comfortable with me using your art as inspiration altogether? (which is fine btw, i don't wanna do smth that would make you uncomfortable)
oh sure! feel free! I don't mind at all lol
#ask#bakuspeech#tbh I do think this question is like. somewhat redundant in art. or idk unnecessary?#all of art is inspiration man. very frequently from art by artists you're never gonna have the chance to reach out to#large cause bc they've been dead for decades to a few centuries#and like. idk as an artist you kinda have to accept that people will actually look at ur art and interact with it in their own space?#so like. yeah there are things that if I see you do with my art I will block you for. but on principle I cannot bodily stop you#this is all to say that like. if the question is about my personal boundaries it's gonna be more complicated. like if you make something#with ill intention and then cite me as an inspiration source. of course I'd not like that#but also that will be on me to reflect on that and like. do what I need to do#but outside of that. saying 'don't take inspiration from my art' is 1/genuinely patently unenforceable and 2/antithetical to#the way that I do art at all#like! I thrive on remixing! it's what transformative fanstuff is. how would I ever get on someone else's case for doing the exact same thin#anyways yeah don't worry about it I guess all of the above is more like. somewhat of a blanket permission#do whatever you want with my art! if it's cool and u want me to see it feel free to tell me. if u know I wont like it dont get caught by me#I am aware that I have before mentioned things you can't do with my art. those are personal boundaries. I enforce it in my own spaces#I have no power in yours. it's just how it is. use ur judgement. have fun chillin#that's it babey I go get snack now. its past mid autumn so the moon cakes are on sale so Im gonn#a get a bag of dried corn
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had a dream about randomly waking up and being Conner and M'gann's future kid or smth with absolutely no clue as to how i got there and now i'm thinking of a dp yj crossover with Danny being their kid and ending up in the same scenario.
like, he has enhanced strength and has a lot of powers similar to a martian, so this could actually work p good.
Okay, i see this as going one of two ways:
Danny is actually their kid, but Danny's memories of his past life (DP canon) catch up with him and mess with the memories of his current life.
Danny is not their kid, he has no idea how he got here and why these people insist he's their son. He's half-convinced this is one of Vlad's schemes and/or that they're kidnappers. (I'm leaning more towards this one)
Either way there would probably be a lot of Danny freaking out and trying to run away as soon as he could. This includes, of course, a panicked use of his powers, which surprises Conner and M'gann enough for him to escape.
At this point, he'd try to make his way to Amity Park and either find that it doesn't exist, was completely destroyed, or there's no evidence of ghost attacks/the Fentons/Sam and Tucker/anyone Danny might recognize.
Danny... has a bit of a rough time.
Regardless of which option I choose ('actually their kid' vs 'not their kid'), the reason things are different in Amity is because this is years in the future and also a different universe. It's probably Clockwork's fault tbh.
Danny doesn't know he's in an alternate universe so he kinda just, yknow, gets real sad and falls asleep in the park or something.
Conner and M'gann get some help and track him down. They're pretty heart broken to find their little boy sleeping on a bench with clear tear tracks on his cheek. They take him back to the bioship and discuss how to talk to him when he wakes up and how to help him with his 'new powers'.
When Danny wakes up in Conner and M'gann's house, he's much more resigned and quieter than before. Kinda listless too.
He doesn't know where he is, FentonWorks was destroyed/doesn't exist so he can't go into the Ghost Zone and ask Clockwork for help, and Vlad hasn't shown his face so he's just... stuck with these people.
there'll probably be a meeting with Dinah or something after a while of Danny showing the same behaviour and eventually, maybe, perhaps everyone will figure out Danny's from an alternate universe, but for reasons I haven't determined yet, he can't go back.
Eventually Danny will realize that Conner and M'gann aren't so bad, especially compared to his real parents, and will start to warm up to them. Maybe there will be a key moment when he actually seeks out one or both of them for comfort that cements them as trustworthy adults, at the very least.
then blah blah fluff blah blah angst blah blah story and Danny warms up to them a lot more and starts thinking of them as an uncle and aunt in his head (ignoring the fact that they act more like parents than Jack and Maddie ever had)
THEN there's gonna be this big incident where every hero available is asked to help out, including Conner and M'gann, and Danny is staying with uhh, Lucas Carr or one of C&M's other friends.
Danny sneaks out to go help, obviously, and Conner and M'gann are Not Happy and trying to send him back home, but oops too late, no one can leave now because The Incident has become much Much worse and will probably destroy the Earth if they don't stop it soon.
At one point, The Incident makes a portal into the Ghost Zone, a portal that's within eyesight to Clockwork's lair, a portal that Danny could easily fly into and go home, but that would mean leaving before The Incident was resolved and he couldn't do that. He also couldn't leave without saying goodbye.
So he stays, and he fights, and he does everything he can to help.
And then
The heroes are down. Many are injured or out cold. No one is unscathed. There are only a handful of people left standing, including Danny, Conner, and M'gann.
They won't be able to resolve The Incident with just the handful of people awake and able to move. But Danny has an idea. A very very bad idea.
He looks at the portal, allows a brief moment of mourning, and then absorbs the energy of the portal into himself, literally channeling the energy of the Ghost Zone through himself, to make a huge beam or ecto-construct or massive blast of ghost ice to resolve The Incident.
The downsides to doing this is how absolutely drained he feels afterward. Oh, and by using up the portal's energy Danny caused the portal, possibly his only way home, to close.
Conner, as the strongest dude still awake and moving, watches over The Resolved Incident, and M'gann holds Danny as he mourns his home.
#nemotime#DPxDC#dp yj crossover#dp dc crossover#long post#I'm imagining this as post-YJ s4 of course#im not gonna mention spoiler stuff though#but if i ever write this... lets just say i have Ideas#there would definitely be more seperate moments of Danny with Conner and Danny with M'gann#plus Conner and M'gann are probably gonna disagree on some things here and there of course#like what im trying to say is i basically wrote them as a unit in this post but i would write them as seperate people#with differing opinions and stuff if i wrote this fic#The Incident is probably ghostly in nature#which is why Danny went after them. definitely not because he was worried about them#wow this is A Lot longer than i was expecting lmao#aw fuck#now im thinking of Danny pulling a Tim and going on a ConnerQuest like Tim's BruceQuest#man that'd be something#i cant think about this though#i cant get sucked into making another post when i already took so long making this one jshdjgadfg
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happy eurovison!! do your stretches!!!
babe it's been days since i did my stretches at this point im too scared
#in my defence idk WHAT was going on with my sunday shift bc i only waitressed 7 hours and that's a pretty normal shift for me#like im aware compared to a normal person it would be very difficult to just out of nowhere expect them to be on their feet#walking back and forth the entire length of a restaurant regularly carrying heavy things all the while keeping up ABOVE AND BEYOND socially#for SEVEN ENTIRE HOURS with ZERO BREAK like masking that entire time on top of the 7 hour physical workout#like it's insane if u think about it for more than 2 seconds and im really trying to bc every time i falter i beat the shit out of myself#and like? NO? my job is actually very physically demanding and emotionally draining compared to most people's day-to-day activity#it's gonna have impacts sometimes!#so yeah long story short i finished my shift sunday and when i tell you my legs LOCKED UP in bed that night#like mainly my thighs but it was all in my hips and knees and it was so bad that i lay there until 2am before getting painkillers#bc i couldnt hack it#which is SAYING SOMETHING for me bc im normally both quite good with pain and also a hardass for taking painkillers#ive had that happen once before (again after waitressing lol) & never worried about it but my mum recently got diagnosed with arthritis#and ever since ive been like. Looking at my own joints any time they even HINT at playing up#like i am RENOWNED for inhereting all of my mum's medical shit from mental to physical like i KNOW i'll get it it's just a matter of when#and yeah that was sunday it's now tuesday and my thighs STILL feel bruised#and im like. embarassed about it bc it's not like i did anything spectacular? and idk why it's happening?#yeah idk hiiii rori did u like me ranting about my physical health in ur stretch reminder ask sorry do u still think im hot <3#ask
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it would actually be so sick (affectionate and derogatory) if like. it becomes true that el and jane really were two different kids. and thinking about this post james made re: blood transfusions and how it's very possible that some of the babies/kids who were born with/transfused with the "dimension x blood" rejected it and subsequently died. and that it would be really interesting if it comes out that jane ives really did die at some point due to this experimentation (shortly after she was born? not until after terry shot her way into hnl? could brenner have gone ham on the testing w jane as further retaliation for terry's behavior?) and that el really has no prior identity to speak of
i just feel like. it would be a really spooky twist to have el come across some sort of paperwork in hnl (still betting on "the crawl" to be a dungeon-crawl-esque scenario involving scouring the abandoned hnl for clues) that is supposedly about her (jane) only to find that she (jane) died
plus it would tie interestingly into "the whole creel family save for victor is dead" thing when henward was alive the whole time, vs the misunderstood identity within the mess of henry/edward/vecna/one and the wrong people being called the wrong names, vs el so desperately wanting to be normal and having this sort of distant/detached identity she can lean on if she wants to, only to have it ripped away??
something about that last bit just feels really appealing to me for el's character and her growth, especially since so much of it is about her finding her own identity. and yes, she can do that while having the "jane ives" identity in her back pocket bc it's about her taking it and making it her own, but also... it would be so neat if el had to grapple with the fact that she basically came "from nothing." like instead of having this "real world" history and mother and identity, she came purely from the lab (even if she did ultimately come from, perhaps, henward and brenner, etc. etc.)
#thinking about the lucas erica 'they're not even from the same planet' scene#and how that could tie into el and the 'other planet' being hnl and how it's a whole other world from outside#and actually. thinking about the babies being born w the blood and then rejecting it just made me think of smthn interesting#with stephen king's 'the stand' and how it was a select few people who survived cptn trips and then when#franny has her baby she's worried he won't live bc the father died to the virus so what if the baby can't survive it either#and they THINK the baby is gonna die when he's born. but because fran was immune to the virus. the baby was able to fight it off in the end#idk im really still sitting here like. i would read the stand again to look for more st parallels/possible inspo but it's SO LONG i can't#but im still Shocked that's not a confirmed inspo bc. i'd have to explore it all again/read the wiki or smthn but. there was a decent amoun#of stuff that made me go 'huh!' irt st. and this is one of them i guess lmao#i say things#eleven#stranger things
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As someone who is aspec myself, I love the idea of aroacespec Ford within the context of billford. *Especially* Ford grappling with a lifetime of bafflement about romantic and sexual attraction, and then feeling *some* kind of powerful emotion about Bill and getting excited about it like "this is it! This is the attraction thing that everyone always talks about! I'm finally experiencing it for someone, I'm doing 'humaning' correctly!!!" and maybe he's correctly identified it, or maybe its something else, such as queerplatonic attraction, or scientific fascination, but either way, feeling something like this for someone for the first time that feels more genuine than any of his attempts to feel heteronormative love in the past for an *eldritch god* is a whole other thing for him to grapple with, like, the internal confusion of "Why am I feeling this for the first time for a non-human entity? Does that cancel out the increased normalcy of me feeling This Kind of Love? Does it outweigh feeling Love and make me even weirder??"
And maybe, with any luck, this could end with Ford realizing that it *doesn't matter* what kind of love and/or affection and interest he and Bill have towards eachother, and it doesn't matter how much he conforms to society's ideals for what a human being "should be like." It doesn't *have* to be romantic for them to want to be together from now til the end of time. And even if sometimes their relationship might seem like it crosses into romantic and/or sexual territory, *they're* the ones who get to define it, and the multiverse is the limit. They don't *need* to confine the way they see their love for eachother to the human definitions and expectations for how people should feel and act within a long term relationship. And if humanity thinks that makes Ford less human, well, he doesn't fucking care, because what has the seemingly-always-just-out-of-reach ideal of "being human" that society has pushed upon him ever done for him except make him feel intensely isolated and unworthy? It doesn't matter if society hands him the title of "human" that they've cruelly dangled over his head his whole life or not. He is living the life he wants to lead, in the company of the person he cares for most, and that is all that truly matters.
#aroace billford#not gonna say anything either way on bill's sexuality because im very hesitant to call the nonhuman evil guy aro and/or ace.#and bills sexuality doesnt matter here. you dont need to define it in order to say 'bill enjoys spending time with ford'#ford really truly Does Not Care if bill is 'capable of love' or whatever amatonormative society is so obsessed with#Why Does It Matter if Bill is 'capable of love.' Why Does It Feel Like That's Sometimes Brought Up As Proof That He Is 'More Evil'#the fucked up things that bill Does are what make him evil in canon. not whatever people think he can or cant feel.#it feels like throwing ford under the bus when people say 'bill isnt capable of love' tbh#because wondering if oneself is 'capable of love' in the amatonormative sense is Such an Aspec experience#and tbh? having an intimate relationship with a being that isnt sure if he's capable of love sounds great!#ford can be with bill without worrying if he's loving bill 'the right way' or 'enough for bill to be happy' or whatever#he can just Be. and he can trust that bill is perfectly okay with literally any reasons ford has for wanting to be wifh him#he doesnt have to try and pinpoint what kind of feelings he has for bill because it doesnt matter to bill#and that is Such a Relief for ford#of course all of this is ignoring the fact that bill was only ever using ford as a tool to get what he wants#but im talking about prebetrayal fords perspective! these are his thoughts based on the info he had at the time!#its still very meaningful for ford! bill betrayed him but that doesnt erase the way ford felt prebetrayal#someone turning out to be a liar doesnt completely undo the things they made you realize about yourself while you were together#which also REALLY complicates fords feelings post betrayal. he cant COMPLETELY dismiss everything.#otherwise he would be dismissing the good realizations he had about himself too.#original post#tags essay#long post#kinda
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I feel like I'd understand the time restriction complaints more if it wasn't coming from ppl who hyperfocus on one aspect of ST. Like if you truly believe a mlvn breakup is gonna take up the whole 10+ hours series finale to come to a resolution, then I really don't know what to tell you.
but i think people focusing on only one aspect might literally be why they think there'll never be enough time like of course if you're expecting fanfic level of introspection to be made explicit you're never gonna get it and i understand why people think some of the introspection should be made more explicit in the show i do. but like. yeah no it doesn't make sense it's not because of a lack of time that they're not doing whatever you would like them to be doing😭 look at how long season 4 is!!! and people still have problems with it because. choices were made (but like i agree with you lol it's just a little paradoxical)
#but the way people say this about vecna things so often...and the way that's why i was talking about this...it literally makes no sense at#all like this person was saying i would want them to make vecna better because i think the character is interesting and has the potential#to be even more interesting but they won't have time :( and like. wdym. he's The antagonist you don't think he's one of the characters#they're making time for?#and when people worry because season 5 is shorter it doesn't make sense to me because like if they got a season 4 this long i'm sure#netflix would've given them a long season 5 too the final season being longer makes more sense but they said it would be shorter because#they know what story they're gonna tell? and they know it's not gonna be as lengthy?#and that's a good thing i hate how long season 4 is as i said literally this morning. <3#i know bigger cast and stuff like some of it will be disappointing im sure but the there cant possibly be enough time thing...there#definitely is?#ask
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if i ever seem brave for some of the stuff i admit on here, just know its cause idk how to keep shit to myself. i cower at the thought of judgement and then proceed to expose my whole ass to tumblr anyway, because i dont have a working filter
#tags are filled with worried rambling again#i hear a laugh track play whenever my anxiety flares up#im scared of what other people think of me which in itself is funny#ik others opinions of me arent an indicator of me being a bad person#other people arent gonna kno my whole personality from the stuff i draw#i fear judgement despite experiencing nothing but positive feedback on this site because i keep reading into the small things as negative#i know all this and still wither away in my shell knowing all this im saying is what id tell others if they were suffering with it#i walk in this circle and do it thousand times til i pass out from the exhaustion and later wonder y i was worried in the first place#i want to be able to say “who cares they dont know you” but ive been raised by people who spent almost every conversation-#with me basically saying they know me very well and know whats wrong with me and ive been raised believing everyone knows more than me#i worry of being so serious and actually genuine like this but this is how i like to be sometimes#stupidly thinking too much into things and laughing at myself for it and wondering why i would put myself down on something id encourage-#others to do#i worry about losing people because they wont like all of me but they wont know that unless they see the whole picture#i find myself disgusting w/ my thoughts and the things i wanna create but i dont think that of others and its strange#weird ass moment here.....#i had a really good day today got a job and finished my first tattoo#im happy right now despite the shit i just spewed#im figuring myself out for the first time in maybe years#i just wish all the hateful shit i absorbed over those years fades away soon#and i hope i stop caring so bad lol#anywayyyyy have a wonderful rest of your weekkk <3 if u read this
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i am gonna b real yall dunk on twitter for the "i say i love pancakes and someone goes 'so you hate waffles then?' no bitch thats an entirely new sentence" thing but you guys also do it too. tumblr also does that.
#'its important that things like medicine be made to precise specifications'#'SO YOU WANNA KEEP EXPLOITING THE GLOBAL SOUTH FOR YOUR MEDS???? YOU THINK PEOPLE IN YOUR COMMUNITY MAKING MEDS IS GHETTO?????'#no bitch thats a brand new sentence. what are you talking about#fwiw no i would not trust Some Guy w building a wheelchair ramp for me#my wheelchair is heavy. its even heavier with me in it.#if they dont know how to make something stable thatll handle the weight of my equipment. that ramp will break with me on it#if all they know about wheelchairs is 'they need ramps and im being a good guy' its not gonna work#how heavy is my power chair? how heavy is it with me in it?#what slope should the ramp be to avoid it being dangerous for me to go up and down it?#how wide is it?#what is it made of and how stable is it? did you test it? how long is it going to be stable for?#im not interested in talking to anyone or 'just hear me out'ing about this#if any of my friends see this and worry its abt them: no its not dw i'm not mutuals w this person and im not even following them anymore
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posts like that break my stupid fucking heart lol. i hate being in this situation and i hate that i hate it because im convinced im delusional about how bad it is right now and that it’s my fault for being a terrible selfish daughter and also it could be SO much worse. but no im not entirely terrible or selfish and yes this situation is bad even if it’s not the absolute worst it’s ever been or ever could be. i know we’re working on fixing some parts of it but that does not negate that i am living a suffocated life right now and never have fully known that freedom even when i haven’t lived in this house and still have so much work to do to finally get it and im so overwhelmed by this that i keep putting it off and running away
#purrs#also it’s like.. how does ANYONE live without the autonomy and shit you inevitably get as an adult. or the way people take you seriously#more and give you space and stuff. because i know i will miss some aspects of living like this but i think life after this will be so much b#better and freer. yeah it’s scary to make your own choices and move your own ways but also ummmm i am not living in a good situation and#there are so many fucked up things happening here. also i was gonna say something else ughhhh what was it. omg#OH yeah well idk if this was The thing but my parents don’t want me to ever have a place of my own bc they’re worried about my safety. i am#also worried about my safety but i think maybe i would like some independence. and i can’t work it out in my head lol#OHHHHH WAIT i remember. ok. so also. im 23 years old. my mom moved out of her parents home when she was 25 but she was already like dating a#and stuff and i.. well you know. but it’s like im 23 but i don’t think im even going to be able to afford a place of my own that is also#nice to live in. so i am going to have to find a roommate which is fine and also i want one anyway bc again i think it’s safer living w#other ppl and not just me and i just have to make sure that my future roommate/s are like.. not as bad as my 2 roommates i had on campus LOL#but it’s like I don’t think im going to be able to even split the cost for a place that is more than just bedrooms a bathroom and a common a#area. and ite like. when in my life if at all am i going to have other rooms to furnish besides my own bedroom. and when in my life am i#gonna be acceptable to my parents to live by myself. and when in my life do i stop talking to them every single day and depending on them fo#for every single decision. when in my life is my mom gonna treat my 40 h/w job (that in fairness i just started and technically haven’t EVEN#starred) with the same seriousness as my dad’s 40 h/w job. and when in my life is this fucking pandemic gonna end so i can go to conferences#and not be a burden or a disappointment and when in my life am i gonna find a life partner etc etc etc. i know i sound naive ungrateful#entitled etc etc and i don’t know what to say about that other than that my mom would think the same and already does lol but im tired of#longing and i would like to be able to function at a bare minimum level of freedom and comfort <3#delete later#also my parents don’t want me living in the city on top of not wanting me to live independently. so. lol <3
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i really need to like. step up and start doing art about the stuff that bothers me. i only draw what i think is pretty or looks nice or would be cool to show people. i need to draw something that makes me want to hide my sketchbook. i need to draw something so deeply personal and raw i feel bad about showing it to people. i need to basically vomit whatever i think abiut onto the paper and then call it a day
#i have many many thoughts about so many things and theyre all styck in my brain and it sucks big time#im so worried about what people WOULD think about these things. like im gonna be fully honest#my art is very mid as in people dont get really WOWED when they loom at it or want to look through my sketchbook whenever they see its out#ofc i like showing what i draw to people just to be like. i dunno. hey heres this thing i made. but i dont think anyone. cares enough#im gonna do an experiment im not going to show my sketchboom to anyone unless they ask me to see it for hmmm 2 weeks#meanwhile im also going to draw and develop the things i have brewing in my head#its my sketchbook! its my art! its me! i need to be sincere with myself. i need to be honest with the paper#sigh anyway. its a mix between feeling like noone cares about my art and wanting to open up fully to it. maybe it means something idk#ill do this now since i cant sleep#talk
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GRUUUAAGGGGGG part 2 idk
#i genuinely do not know ehy i dont just end it because what's the point?#i dont see the possibility of the world. i dont see the love in everything anymore. im not enough just existing like i thought i was#obviously im not#and in some way i feel like all of it was deserved because why would it keep happening if it wasnt? why would i have stayed in this sort of#weird thing if i was? ive lost so many of my friends for the same reasons- for me being a bad friend.both my parents and some family thinks#im underachieving and its like.. maybe i AM just bad. maybe i AM just worthless and talentless and have no future#why would i be here if those werent true??????#i just#im just trying to work and get myself together so im less of a burden- so finally my dad wont complain about me and so finally i wouldnt hav#e to leech off everyone i know. and at that point why even work when it can just all be over asap (if i could get over my fear of death)#i dont even want to talk to peopl about it anymore because it just worries them or makes me look stupid and immature#like people have to tire of constant emotionally oppressive venting at some point#and i cant get medicated because they always dismiss me with anxiety. and i dont have a counselor just because i dont have time in my schedu#le for that. so it feels really demotivating and really pointless. but not seeking those makes me feel like im just a useless wallower?#idk. im gonna pick up another job anyways. maybe I'll just work so much that i can be dead to the world with the illusion of being success#ful or something. maybe then i wont be such a failure of a human being and they can be proud of me
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no grave can hold my body down, i'll crawl home to her.
simon really meant it, every bit of it, he’d come back to you somehow. he would find his way back to you. wether it was walking through the front door quietly not to wake you up in the middle of the night or cold in a coffin. he’d rather have you hold his dead body than not to have you touch his skin ever again.
that’s what simon was thinking about as his ear ringed so loud he couldn’t focus on his surroundings. he looked up at the sky, so blue it almost didn’t feel right. why so blue when so much blood was being shed?
he occasionally would feel the ground he was laying on tremble, maybe a hand grenade, maybe a body falling next to his. the smell of gunpowder filled his covered nostrils and he could feel his lungs collapsing on themselves from the thickness of the air he was breathing. his eyes weren’t doing good either, filled with dust and sand from the dry earth.
it took him a few more seconds to focus his eyes on something, something that possibly wasn’t moving, his head spinning each time he tried to sit up. something was weighting on his legs, holding him down. he struggled to raise his torso and groaned at the sight of a large body blocking him. he let himself fall back down.
he was ready to go, a sharp pain to his side telling him he wouldn’t last long alone. he’d been through worse, way worse, the scar provided by the meat hook was proof of that, but something was telling him this was as bad. he was ready to go.
the only thing he could think about in his last moments was you. he thought he could see glimpses of you, maybe your hair in the corner of his eyes or he’d hear your laugh as another fire shooting started. his eyes searched for you frantically. he wanted to tell you to leave immediately, scream it at the top of his lungs, but his voice was caught in his throat and you weren’t really there. his mind just playing cruel tricks on him.
your name was repeated like a mantra in his head, repeating it so many times it almost lost a meaning. almost. a prayer, a chant. he sure needed to pray, for you.
he had been shelving the thought that tormented him for months. he wanted to go and confess his sins, he almost felt the need, his palms itching with haste anytime he thought about it. years had passed since the last time he had set foot in a church, so many that he had almost forgotten the reason for the visit. the ghosts of the past never abandon you, especially if they are people you love, especially if they are family, the innocent. its always the innocent who pay the highest price.
‘i wonder what she’s doing now, who’s gonna knock on her door and tell her im gone.’ he thought. ‘hopefully price. he’s the one with tact and the most considerate. he’ll help her when i’m gone, keep an eye on her.’
the sweet smell of your hair replaced for a moment the one of blood and gunpowder, your laughter still echoing in his ears. he pictured your sweet face and big innocent eyes looking up at him.
“promise me something?”
“mhm?” he hummed, surprised you were still up. his hand hadn’t stopped caressing your hair since you laid down on his chest, your hand resting on his collarbone as your ear listened to his calm heartbeat. “yeah, anything.”
“promise me you’ll always come back.” you whispered in the dark room. “promise me, simon.”
he nodded, taken aback by your request. you weren’t the fondest of his job, he knew it, he hated to concern you like he did.
“yes.”
“promise.” you urged. “please.”
he bent his head down and kissed the top of yours, his arm sliding down your back and drawing you closer by your waist. “i will, love. i’ll always come back to you.”
you sighed, the knot of thoughts in your worried head began to untie. “mh.”
“better now?” he softly asked. his voice was hoarse from his constant shouting orders at the obstreperous recruits. you gave a short nod. “i mean it.”
he groaned as he managed to get the body off of himself, struggling to get on his knees.
fucks sake, he couldn’t let you live with him gone like this. it was selfish of him to leave you in such an abrupt way, really. he tried to push away the image of you opening the door to find price with a carton box filled with simons stuff from the barracks with the balaclava and skull mask on top and your knees hitting the floor before he could even say anything.
his legs didn’t feel like they could hold his weight up, he immediately fell to his knees as he heard another rapid fire too near him for his liking. his gun was long gone, he had to manage to survive alone, again.
“crawlin’ it is.” he breathed as he started to drag his tired body with the strength of his arms alone. you had always praised his strength: he could lift you with one arm alone, you loved to be held and hold on to his arm anywhere and at anytime. that was the main reason he always pushed for more while training, and the motivation your sweet compliments always gave him now were gonna save his life. he made a mental note to kiss and hold you a little longer and tighter if he ever made it home alive.
he could see the building his team was supposed to meet up in case things got bad. it looked so far away that it was alarmingly close. maybe it was just his messed up vision, a mirage, but he could swear he saw you from a window looking at him, urgently motioning him to come.
he brought the thick balaclava above his nose so he could breathe better and as enemy gunfire continued to flow, he kept his head low as he moved dead bodies from his way.
he could hear your voice calling for him and he wanted to call you for you back, but the noises of the battlefield were hurrying him to get to the safe zone first.
he stumbled by the door as he brought himself up, one hand stabilizing him as he held on to the doorframe as the other went to press on his wound.
“lt!” johnnys voice called before he rushed to help him. “ye cheeky bastard, i told them not to leave yet, to wait for ye.”
“gaz saw you get shot.” price swung simon’s arm over his shoulder in order to help him to the nearest table, where he laid down.
“he saw that right.” simon bit the inside of his cheek as price inspected his wound, pressing on it. “is he a‘ight?”
“he’s fine, hit his head but had his helmet on, he’s getting checked out by the medics.” price informed him as simon winced at the sharp pain. “there’s at least two bullets in here, didn’t pass through, stuck.”
“just take ‘em the fuck out.” simon groaned. “how’s it lookin’?”
“you’ll live.” price patted his shoulder in comfort before he went to call a medic.
“we really thought we’d lost ye there, lt.” johnny’s face was glowing with sweat and blood, the black war paint smudged messily all around his face and his mohawk dusted.
“helicopter’s leaving in thirty, boys!” price’s baritone voice called from the other room.
simon scoffed, sighing and closing his eyes, finally letting himself relax as your figure started to fade from the corner of the room where it’d been standing, silently looking at him. “won’t lose me, can’t wait to go home, johnny.”
#simon ghost riley#simon riley x you#simon riley#simon riley x reader#simons a loverboy at heart#simon is not ghost
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and what if nero thinks of himself as a tool for the three magicians he knew for a decade. what if he only limits as himself as a pawn, what if that's why he so easily threw himself as a sacrifice to protect his friends.
#im giving myself pain because i just know maydare would diverse from this#nero knew his worth but as a prince rather than as himself. he have SO MUCH trust on his familiar that it will bring rescue to his team#kanon told nero why he saved him and told him about the future war just when he was 6 years old. he kept that in mind and what his life is#for. kanon literally told nero that he's gonna be a necessary pawn in the future lmao?? kanon who had gone through so much could not care#less for some ordinary people ig since he was so detached from emotions... he's straightforward to nero and nero took it pretty well?????#ANYWAY rereading nero.... nero didn't seem to mind dying??????? like what the hell boy????????? he's not freaking out about himself#dying at all. rather he's concerned for the things happening around him and the people worrying about him????#'beatrice saw me and let out a small cry. did i look that bad?' YOU'RE IN A STATE OF DYING. NERO YOU WERE STABBED.#IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR BODY. A CURSE IS SPREADING IN YOUR BODY. NERO???#'What was i doing/ thinking about things so detachedly when it hurt so much that it felt like i was going to die' YOU😭#he knows he can't die here. he know he have so many things left to do.#this entire time he's fighting through the curse he did not say anything. the only words he uttered was makia's name. his concern for her.#he felt like he can't die without confirming if she's okay. once he knew that she's already he felt relieved that his vision is turning#white. nero what the fuck omg. i know he's been fighting off the curse the best he can and he's getting tired but nero oh my god#be concerned for yourself boy#for ten years he don't value himself as himself but rather someone who is a pawn for this world and the three magicians.#he's well aware of the purpose of his life. he's already set to serve those three magicians specially kanon for saving him and teaching him#various of things. also what was shatoma saying what did she mean#'What? I merely did what i could do for you wou didn't need any help.' what do you mean#first off i wanna point out the way she replied to nero's apology and thanks 'i merely did what i could do for you' i don't know how to#describe it but it feels like she was familiar with him in a fond way?? that added with 'who didn't need any help' she knows what he's#capable of and i think shatoma knows he can overcome it by himself? but my boy is like. gonna pass out. i think she's genuinely worried lol#each magician had something to do this volume- eska had to go find makia and thor and bring them to ulysses#ulysses makia and thor had to release pan faunus while eska puts up the defense. shatoma could've gone with eska or with kanon but no#she went to where the rest were- it's probably to check on the people in the labyrinth.. i want to know if she knew about nero's injuries..#oh that reminds me- shatoma is in lune ruschia's uniform so she's probably in the labyrinth before nero frey and lapis came back#she and eska probably arrived *after* nero makia and frey went out to find lapis#eska goes to find makia and thor while shatoma went in the labyrinth before gt9 came back#🦋'...Kanon? He's going where he needs to go.' in which nero thought 'So Brother's on the move.'........... he knows he knows..#shatoma trust nero enough to know how capable he is.. maybe she even trust him enough to let him know about their plans since he's
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