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myhoneststudyblr · 4 years

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something crazy just happened...

i started this blog a year and a half ago and i honestly never imagined i would reach 100 followers let alone 15k!!! so i want to thank you ALL for being so lovely, welcoming and supportive - whenever i come on to tumblr, the studyblr community never fails to make me smile

this studyblr has been such an important journey for me and since i’ve made it i’ve grown as a person and as a student. it has taught me so much, from good study habits and self-care tips, to even some things about who i am as a person!

since i’ve created this blog and particularly in the past few months I've had the honour to meet and get to know some truly incredible people and i want to tag some people who i love and im so thankful to for being so kind:

(you should all go follow their blogs if you haven’t already)

(btw it is probably gonna be quite long cause i have so much to say about these incredible people!!! sorry but im not really sorry XD)

@redlitmusbluelitmus MIA!!! i have already told you so many times how glad i am that you are my friend but i am going to do it again right here cause i can!! you are quite possibly the nicest, funniest and supportive people i have ever had the pleasure to meet. we haven't known each other for that long but in that time you quickly became an amazing friend and we have always just *got* each other!!! 💕💕💕

@study-van yasemin - our first conversation was pretty much a car crash and every one since has made me laugh and look like a proper idiot cause im usually just staring at my phone! i’ve followed your blog for so long and i’m so proud of all the amazing things you are doing and i’m so glad to have you as a friend after so stalking your blog for so long 💕

@museeofmoon zainab!!! we’ve known each other only for a short time now but our friendship was pretty much immediate!!! our conversations are filled with emojis, emoticons, capitals letters and XDs and i wouldn’t have it any other way!!!!! your posts are works of art and i will forever stan them <3

@headgirlstudy Ellie - discovering your blog was one of the best things to come out of my 2020 quarantine challenge cause you have this incredible style and simple beauty to your posts that i just can’t get enough of! i’ve loved having our fangirl conversations about taylor swift and all her incredible songs! you probably don’t know this but one of those conversations took place when i was feeling very low but discussing all the songs with you lifted me up so much so thank you xxx

@jeonchemstudy DAPHNE!!! if i ever create a bujo, i want it to look like yours because honestly, i don't understand how you managed to create such beauty!! we are interested in such similar things and it’s been so cool to find a fellow Gallagher girl lover (i was so shook when i found out you loved the books cause i usually feel very alone in my loved of them XD) and someone who is obsessed with last week tonight as me!!! x

@bulletnotestudies sabrina... you are just incredible and such a joyful person!!! i will always remember you messaging me when i posted that i was stressed about an exxay exam and your message was the last thing i saw before doing it and honestly if gave me such a boost! you’re positivity and supportiveness blows me away and i want many many more conversations with you xxx

@lattesandlearning laura - you were one of the most dedicated posters throughout the quarantine challenge and i loved seeing each and every one of your posts! i’m so glad to be following your journey and seeing what you’ve accomplished even in the short amount of time that I've known you <3

@upside-down-uni mo!!! another incredibly dedicated poster in the quarantine challenge and one that i always specifically looked out for! you and your blog have truly opened my eyes to other experiences and educated me more than you know just from your responses and posts! i always see that you like my posts and even on my dumb little text posts you often reply and it always makes me smile! i’m so glad that you’ve created this officially studyblr and thankful to you for making the community even more colourful 🌈

@coffeeandpies pat, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again but you are the basically the third person that i followed in the studyblr community and to think that we’ve actually had conversations and we are friends and mutuals is downright crazy to me because you are imo just one of those iconic blogs!!! you are a beautiful person inside and out and your text posts are hilarious and tell the best stories. thank you so much for being so lovely <3

@coralstudiies you were the first person ever to really message me on tumblr and i remember being so shook because i think your blog is just mind blowingingly incredible! every picture of your notes looks like a work of art and i don’t know how you manage to make them look so perfect!!!

@problematicprocrastinator beth, you are a pillar of positivity in this community and your supportiveness and openness is at a level that i aspire to! your morning messages are usually the first thing i see (at least when i still was going to school on the bus every morning before all of the corona stuff) and it always gave me a little boost for the day! you are an incredible writer and your dedication to supporting everyone in this community is amazing <3 (also your blog name is probably the best one i’ve ever seen and i’m so jealous ngl)

i could wax lyrical about every studyblr i know but this post is getting really long so here are more of my favourites (just know that if you are in this list i have a little monologue about how amazing you are in my head and i appreciate you so much 💕💕💕)

@chazza-studies-alevels @stuhde @captainofstudies @sosiaalitieteet @elleandhermione @mid-afternoon-tea @athenastudying @learning-to-think @serendistudy @philology-studies @rivkahstudies @emili-a-a @nabasynth @divinity-study @cals-desk @abbieestudia @studywithprincess @studybuddiesareoverrated @casual-minimalist @stu-dna @coffe-in-cup @adelinestudiess @intellectys @eintsein @einstetic

there are so so many more that could be added to this list and i’m sure i’ve forgotten people!! basically i ADORE every single person in this community and i’ve loved getting to know all of you and i hope i’ll be able to meet more people in the next few years 💕💕💕

Now here’s the blograte celebration!!!

I did a blogrates for 10k followers but i enjoyed it so much and it was a while ago now that i want to do it again with all you amazing people!!!

Rules

Must be following me although new followers are welcome too!

Must be a studyblr or at least mostly (cause I want to find some more studyblrs to follow)

Reblog this post

Send me an ask : in the ask begin with your favourite emoji so I know it is a blog rate then tell me a funny story!

Please don’t send anons - if your studyblr is a side blog just tell me this in the ask

Please let me know what you tag your original content with (specifically if it is not in your bio)

Please be kind and patient! i am very busy this summer with lots of work as well as running my Summer Studying Challenge so it may take me a little while to do it but hopefully, i’ll get it done as fast as possible

I will be doing these blogrates until Wednesday 22nd July

Format

i will be tagging my blograte posts with #myhoneststudyblr15k if you wanna blacklist them so your dash doesn’t get filled up!!

Thank you everyone!! <3

#i am simply astounded at all the love i've received and i am so thankful to you all!!!#myhoneststudyblr15k #me #sophie speaks #blogrates #studyblr #mine #follower milestone #long post

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pantsusnifferr · 3 years

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I’m gonna be hella honest here, 2020 wasn’t the drastic life changing year i had hoped it’ll be.

Now its a tradition, well maybe, not really. Who knows...

Let’s start with the goals which ive accomplished in 2020 yeah?

Have less regrets Live more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone Be hardworking, be brave Work hard for the company Rekindle ties to the ones important to me Start working on my YouTube channel for company Study hard Be more confident, be more social Be a nicer and kinder person

Yes i definitely have had lesser regrets overall, i learnt that listening to that gnawing feeling in my gut is one of the few things that will lead me to get less regrets. Perhaps that’s an indication of something that you really want on the inside. Many times this year i just took a leap of faith and made decisions on the fly, going out of my way many times just to do the things i wanted to do. The me a year ago would never have done any of these things, let alone spend any money or time into such ‘frivolous’ activities.

Lets go through some of the highlights for my accomplished goals.

1. Bought Airshow tickets on impulse and rented camera lenses just because i had a shot i wanna get.

Ended up getting that money shot and feeling pretty accomplished. It was nice to meet up and connect with fellow aviation enthusiasts and friends from my Air Force days, but i still felt like i didn’t fit in. Oh well, i didn’t regret anything. I set my mind to a thing i thought would be fun and challenging and i did it!

2. Trespassing into the green corridor for an assignment during the circuit breaker

haha...Definitely isn’t worth the trouble in the end due to shitty unusable footage and total lack of input when it comes to the editing process. BUT STILL, the feeling of walking through thick jungle and jumping over construction barricades and barriers in the middle fo some goddamn forest just to get some footage is an experience nonetheless! Shitty teammates, good thing we managed to pull through and made some friends along the way. Wasn’t worth it, but i didn’t regret the experience one bit.

3. Got into more active activities with an open mind.

Went to the gym with friends a lot more and tried to lead a healthier lifestyle, cycling, hema classes (more about that in a bit) The me from a couple of years ago would definately never give this idea a shot. Running at least once a week, keeping track of my health, all these made me feel a lot better. I should really get into it more though.

4. Hema classes .

Never thought swinging swords around can be that much fun! And i almost didn’t want to show up because i had a sudden surge of social anxiety in the morning before. Glad i powered through that to get to that class that october aternoon. I was mostly on autopilot, depressed and wanting more...but for the last few months of the year, hema classes gave me something to look forward to, and this really changed up my entire outlook then. I suppose having a newfound hobby you never knew you liked changes people for the better.

5. Going out of my way many many times just to help out a friend. Or just to hang out.

I remember being too lazy to go out and have fun. Too lazy to wanna get up to get something done even with friends. Installing internet access points, cleaning up rooms, setting up laptops etc. Perhaps its the large amount of FOMO i’ve started to develop, or maybe its just me sick of being a sad loney wreck. Who knows, all i know is its a blessing to have friends and i am so glad that they’re willing to give me their time of the day as well.

6. Making videos for work.

I didn’t HAVE to do this. Autopilot at work is a scary thing, its my own company and i could’ve done so much more... but i didn’t... or rather i couldn’t. I don’t remember what came over me and how i manage to find the willpower to shoot the videos then edit them over a few days. And i have no idea how i managed to actually follow through with it and get the damn thing edited. Not my proudest work, but damn am i proud of myself for actually doing the thing!

7. Keeping at it for school and not giving up.

Statistics, the killer module. Logistics, another killer one. I studied so so hard for it, i thought i was going to fuck it up like how i fucked up my assignments. But I am so so so glad that it paid off. Taking days of work to study is the correct move and i am so glad i had the discilpine to stick with it. Haha discilpline i said, more like letting the panic set in untill i find myself studying as if my life depended on it. But still, an A and a B+ feels really great though. My first A, that’s still something to celebrate for! Thanks for helping, you know who you are!

8. Giving more of a shit for my company

Im a little undecided about whether i should put this under the part about having no regrets. I am happy with the money and growth we’ve got in our company, alongside the many happy customers ive got, I still somehow felt that i have struggled so much and had a lot more anxiety and stress as compared to the previous years. Perhaps i just need to chill. Although i don’t doubt the fact that taking more responsibility does indeed make things less mundane. Appreciate the increase in pay and bonuses though.

9. Spent quality time with family

I used to have this feeling whenever i am around my cousins, these are the people whom i’ve grown up wit,h and who i used to consider really close friends. I just felt that over the years we have just became different people altogether. They’re normies with normal hobbies, living their lives normally and successfully while im just a weird outsider.

Im somewhat glad that we managed to find some common ground in gaming and our talking sessions. Attending their wedding is a weird feeling but im still somewhat glad that a part of them is still the same on the inside. We might not be as close anymore but im still happy that they treasured the times and memories we had just the same as i did. Lets hope i’ll not fuck it up and i’ll need another chance to rekindle this relationship. Still, them being more successful in life and work still gives me this crazy inferioty complex around them.

Talking with my mom has given me a lot of peace of mind. I am so glad that I have a responsible parent and business partner who shares the same values as i do. Makes things a lot less stressful to know that she’s got my back.

10. Became more social

Yep, went out of my comfort zone many times to talk to people and help out when i could! Its always good to do the kind thing and reach out, when i’d just brush it off as someone else’s problem previously. I am really proud of myself for this.

Now for the goals ive failed. Start work on my personal YouTube channel Join the weeb club to find more gamer weeb friends Learn weeb speak Be healthy Learn 2 songs on bass guitar or ukulele Draw at least once a month (I did but they’re not completed art)

Oof, i don’t know perhaps its the lack of time or the lack of effort. Maybe i’ve been putting in so much effort into the other things i don’t have the mental energy to process these. Perhaps i don’t want it bad enough...

Art and drawing in particular has been really bad. I want to be good at drawing so badly but i really just can’t be arsed to practice. Music too.

I think i am definately healtheir than before but i am nowhere near where i should be. Gotta step up!

Now here’s what i wanna do for the next year

Keep healthy, Lose weight! Be even more social! Start work on personal youtube channel Learn ONE SONG on any instrument Draw at least twice in the next year! Live even more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone more! Be hardworking, be brave

#2020 year in review

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missmentelle · 5 years

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This might sound very silly but I just don't know how to be more proactive. I've been very passive all this years until this point where I feel like I can't anymore. I wish I could be more hardworking for the things I want but I get all overwhelmed and don't even know how other people have the energy or the motivation. People think Im just lazy. I don't have almost any skills let alone any that I can monetize, I feel like Im going to be a looser forever.

I think this is a problem that a lot of people - especially younger people - are struggling with right now. We want to achieve great things, and we feel like we should be achieving great things, but many of us are so paralyzed by doubt/anxiety/apathy/uncertainty that we have a hard time mustering up the motivation to run basic errands, let alone chase our dreams. I’ve certainly spent more than my fair share of time beating myself up for the countless days that I’ve fucked around on Reddit all day instead of actually achieving anything, even when I was fully aware that I was sabotaging my own dreams and goals by doing so. I just couldn’t always muster up the ability to care about the things I needed to be doing, even if there were dire consequences for not doing them. The good news is, there are definitely ways to overcome this issue, and reach a point where you are happier with your progress and your life. To get started, I recommend:

Decide what it is you actually want. Telling yourself to “be more proactive”, “work harder” or “have a better life” is not helpful if you don’t actually have specific goals that you’re working towards. It is very, very easy to find ways to be “busy” for 8 hours per day - but being busy doesn’t necessarily mean progress. Take some time, and think about some rough goals that you’d like to actually work towards. Don’t worry about how much work or effort it would be to achieve those goals, just start thinking about what you want in life, and what’s the most important to you. Think about the kind of life that you would like to have someday, and start figuring out the steps you need to take in order to get yourself from your current life to the life that you envision. It’s okay if those things are very far apart - the point is not for you to get overwhelmed, but for you to have something to be proactive about.

Start slowly. You cannot go from “spending 8 hours per day mindlessly browsing the internet amidst a pile of old take-out containers” to “running 5 miles every morning before making art for 8 hours in a spotless apartment with a fridge full of vegetables” overnight. Trying to change your routine too drastically and too quickly will lead to you burning out in a couple of days and going right back to your old ways, with an added dose of self-hatred because you tried and failed. Trying to be more productive and more functional is a process, and a long one at that. It’s not at all unusual or abnormal to take several years of work before you get your life to where you want it to be. Start slow. Start with incredibly tiny changes, and slowly build up those changes over time. If you currently live on a diet of fast food and candy, and you want to be a shredded, clean-eating fitness guru, you can’t rush into that all at once. Start by swapping out full-sugar pop for diet pop for the first month, and trying to drink more water. That’s it. Don’t make any other changes. Then the second month, switch out diet pop for flavored water. And so on. Change only sticks when it’s gradual.

Focus on one thing at a time. Again, trying to do too much, too soon is a recipe for fast burnout and self-hatred. Start by trying to change one area of your life, and one area of your life alone. Once you feel like you have a pretty solid handle on that part of your life and you have established some new habits, then you can add on a second area of focus. Spend some time, and really think about which area of your life is the most important for you to change, and which area of focus will improve your life the most. If it helps, envision your problems as rocks that you are carrying around in a backpack with you at all times. What’s the heaviest rock in your backpack? If you are overweight, unhappily single, making no progress building your YouTube channel and failing out of college, then your college grades are probably the thing causing you the most stress in your life, and they’re your most urgent concern - focus on that, and give yourself permission to let the rest of it sit on the back burner until you have boosted your GPA. Only then will you be ready to start changing something else.

Go easy on yourself. I think one of the pitfalls that many young people face these days is that they absolutely crush themselves with unrealistic expectations of what they “should” be doing with their lives; it’s hard to get up the motivation to do anything when you’ve convinced yourself that the bare minimum for success is an impossible ideal. I have friends with master’s degrees who still consider themselves failures that haven’t done anything in life. Remember that you are not a machine. Even at your most successful and high-functional, you will not be perfect and productive 100% of the time. You will still have lazy days where you don’t get much done. You will still occasionally order takeout instead of making a home-cooked meal. You will still occasionally procrastinate. Don’t set yourself up for failure by comparing yourself to an unattainable ideal - just aim to be a slightly better version of what you are right now.

Get used to tracking, even without making changes. It’s hard to set goals for improvement if you don’t have a solid idea of what you’re actually doing right now. Telling yourself things like “stop being so lazy and do more things” is setting yourself up for a spiral of self-loathing if you don’t actually track what you’re doing, because you won’t be able to see the small, gradual progress that you’re making. Being able to actually see yourself taking baby steps toward your goal is important for keeping you motivated, and keeping you from beating yourself up. Don’t track absolutely everything in your life - that becomes obsessive after a while - but keep an eye on some of the major things that you might want to change in the future. Install apps on your phone and laptop that track how much time you spend doing what. Set up the step tracker on your phone. If you want to eat better in the future, start tracking roughly what you eat now. I’m a pretty avid bullet journaler, I track a lot of my daily habits. Keeping track of the things you do, even if you’re not proud of them, and even before you start to work on them, gives you a baseline to work with, so you can establish how bad the problem is and see when you’re heading in the right direction.

Forget the obsession with monetizing. A lot of us have gotten this idea in our heads that we need to find ways to monetize everything that we’re even remotely good at, or doing that thing is somehow a waste of our time. I don’t want to generalize about millennials and gen z too much, but I do feel like our generation was raised on the belief that “doing what you love” is the most important thing in life; I personally have many friends that are obsessed with monetizing, to the point that they no longer do anything unless they can find some way to funnel it into advancing their blogger/influencer/creator career. I think this is a mistake. When you monetize something that you love doing, you turn it from a hobby into a job, with all the stress that comes with that, and I think it’s important for everyone to have at least one thing in their life that they do just for the joy of it. It’s okay to let work be work, and play just be play. And I say this as a person who has monetized one of my hobbies; I love true crime and forensic psychology, and I co-host a true crime podcast that has recently had a huge surge of popularity and is on the cusp of being monetized. I could write an entire post about the mental health side of being a creator with a public online presence, but in a nutshell, turning my podcast from a hobby into a business has required me to take it a lot more seriously, and it now falls more into the category of “work” than it does “fun”. My enjoyment of life requires that some of my other hobbies - like playing music - just stay un-monetized hobbies. Let yourself create and do things that don’t have economic value.

Don’t compare yourself to what you see on social media. I have had both personal friends and followers on this blog tell me that they feel bad about themselves because their life doesn’t measure up to what they see on Instagram, or because they feel that their own lives would not be worthy of posting online. This is a toxic mindset to get into. The things you see on social media are not reality, no matter how much they appear to be - people put incredible amounts of effort into carefully cultivating an online persona that makes them look more productive and accomplished than they actually are. I have a brother who who is a somewhat successful Instagram “influencer”, alongside his more successful girlfriend, and I could write an entire post about the lengths they go to to fake having perfect lives on Instagram, and the toll that their Insta careers are having on their mental health. If you are looking to be a more productive version of yourself, it’s best to steer clear of “motivation” from people who are paid to pretend to be successful online.

Set measurable, achievable goals. Goals like “be healthier” and “do more stuff” won’t get you anywhere - they are so vague that it’s not possible to tell when you’ve actually achieved them, or how much progress you’ve made. If you want to be more productive and feel like you’re getting more done, you need to set goals that can actually be worked towards and checked off when they are done. Instead of “go to the gym more”, aim for “go to the gym 5 days per week” as your end goal, and start with a solid couple of months with “go to the gym at least once per week”, and slowly increase from there. If you’re aiming for something big like “have an awesome job”, break that down into medium-sized goals like “finish an undergrad degree”, and then break that goal down even further into “hand in all my assignments on time this semester”, and break that down further into “write the first 10 pages of my paper by the end of the week”. Set tiny goals for yourself that you can easily achieve, and that will gradually accumulate into big accomplishments.

Remember that slow progress is better than no progress. If you write one sentence per day, it is going to take you a really long time to write a novel. It will take you a whole lot less time, however, than if you get overwhelmed at the thought of writing a novel and never write at all. Sometimes you need to break goals down into steps so small that they also seem not worth doing. It can feel a little silly to congratulate yourself for things like “brushed my teeth today” and “texted someone back today”, but those are little habits that add up into bigger things, and giving yourself that positive reinforcement is important. “Greatness” and “success” are not things you achieve all at once, they are made up of tiny habits that you’ve been working on for months or years at a time.

Take care of your mental health. Not feeling the motivation to do anything, even things that you enjoy, can be a symptom of depression. Everyone beats themselves up from time to time for not being more productive, but if your brain is constantly on a feedback loop of “I’m human garbage and I’m wasting my life”, that’s a pretty serious problem, and a solid sign that it’s time to seek out some professional help. Trying to make major life improvements without addressing underlying mental health concerns is kind of like trying to drive a car without wheels - you’re just not going to get anywhere until you’ve dealt with the obvious problem.

Remember that setbacks are okay. Even the most highly proactive and high-functioning people have days where they say “fuck it” and order takeout to eat in front of the TV. Everyone occasionally misses deadlines or leaves things to the last minute when they shouldn’t. Everyone shows up late occasionally. These things happen - we are humans, and none of us are perfect. The key to long-term proactivity and productivity, though, is not to let those small setbacks define you, and not to throw away all the progress you’ve made over a bad day or a bad week. Eating healthy six days per week will put you in a much better position than deciding “fuck it, I blew it” after one bad meal and returning to eating unhealthy meals 7 days per week. As the saying goes, don’t let perfect be the enemy of good - in other words, perfection is not attainable, and getting hung up on being perfect will prevent you from achieving many things that are good. The idea is not to be perfect; it’s just to keep striving to be a slightly better version of yourself.

Best of luck to you!

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theawesomedreamfactory · 4 years

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Im ashamed and proud to say that I’ve nearly reached my 3rd goal weight. The thing that you’re not told about is how getting comfy in bed hurts. The lack of nutrients and the accompanying springs digging into bones is painful. The new bruises from laying wrong. The cramps in your hands when you carry too much stuff. Or how your thighs ache different from working out. How standing in front of the fridge taking things out and reading the calories only to put it straight back is so annoying. How calorie counting is more difficult than just skipping the meals. How you actually know and memorise most calories in each food item in your house. The way you’re boyfriend subconsciously feels your wrists and waist to see how you’re doing. To feel any more loss in your weight. The mixed look of love and concern on his face when you catch him looking at you. How he asks you what you’ve eaten today, and asks why you’re going to the toilet after dinner. Even though you genuinely have no intention of making yourself sick. How cooking meals for family and friends is difficult, because all you want to do is eat it all. How you can’t even enjoy alcohol because it’s got SO. MANY. CALORIES.

But the things you always hear about. (Which are 9/10 true) ... How feeling hungry and having an empty stomach is amazing. How good it feels to turn down food in front of people. How you feel accomplished when you hear a grumble and you feel ashamed when even a crumb goes past your lips. How water, coffee, tea, zero cal drinks and gum are life. How tumblr thinspo is your new meal. How feeling your clothes getting loser is THE LITERAL BEST FEELING! Seeing every inch of the tape shrinking around your waist, hips, thighs and arms. The shopping bill being less money. Seeing your collarbones. Putting you’re bfs shirts on at the end of the day to be comfy and they’re sooooo big on you. When he hugs you and his arms reach right around your body. His hands wrapping around your smaller thighs on car journeys as he reaches across to feel you. Being so light that he puts in no effort to pick you up, and how he scoops you up with no problem and lifts you into his lap to cuddle. Laying on him doesn’t feel like your crushing him. How he flips you over so easily during sex, and nothing jiggles in the wrong place, and how his hands almost wrap right around your waist, and how he holds your wrists so delicately above your head. How he presses kisses down your flawless jaw, neck and flat stomach and you don’t feel self conscious, and how he gently runs his fingers down your belly first thing in the morning. How he tells you and shows you constantly how perfect your body is. How much smaller you look beside him.

When you take everything into consideration, it’s no wonder this condition is so addictive. I’m lucky enough to have someone who loves me unconditionally, and who has helped me every step of the way, and believe it or not, has helped me recover a lot from where I was. Unfortunately not everyone does. Be kind, this is more of a problem than anyone actually knows or wants to talk about.

#personal #cute #restriction #avoidant restrictive food intake disorder #restricted eating #tw weight #may be triggering #tw triggers #bulimic #bulimia #eating disorder #eating disoder things

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somethingimnotembarassedbylater · 4 years

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identity

this one’s tricky. i don’t know how i feel about it. you can’t categorize a person in one box, but it makes things easier when you have labels doesn’t it? is what i’m doing right now permanent enough to be a title? is what i spent my time doing 3 years ago but still keep up with enough to be a title? what counts as enough?

i started listening to this podcast and honestly its been really interesting. it touched upon the topic of identities, as we know them today, as being a western concept. that statement itself is not hard to come to terms with because the moment you hear it, it clicks - yes. my social learning and unlearning has been done mainly through the internet, which in my case is very largely centered around western ideologies. it’s where i learned how high-schools worked in real life, where i learned sexual health, where i discovered ways of thinking i would have never been exposed to in my day to day life. i’m largely thankful for this, but at some point i realized as well, what i’m learning, i’m learning through the framework of a western mind. that is the standard and it does not budge.

when i think about who i am i can list a couple of things: pakistani, muslim, introvert, really into picturesque things, passionate, private, shy, idealistic, adventurous, vain, insecure, proud, kinda all of it and more. maybe this will change as i grow but maybe it won’t, i don’t know and i don’t think i can ever know. is it really necessary for me to put a title on things because aren’t i fine with the way things are wouldn’t i be doing it for the convenience of others? is it wrong for me to say fuck others when i occupy the same spaces as them? is it my duty to do more? to be more? to define myself?

this may sound a little pretentious to me when i read it again later but i think i just need to start talking to myself to really get to know who i am. who you are isn’t just what you like, it’s also how you react to things, what you’re afraid of, how you interact with the world around you. lemme really think about it, what do i like? i like to watch things, tv shows, movies, foreign films, k-dramas, anime, action movies, documentaries, i don’t think there’s any form of visual media i don’t enjoy consuming and i know i have a problem with being fixated on something very intensely for a little while and then completely forgetting about it. I also love drawing. its something i spend a lot more time on recently but its good to see something real come out of my hands. i think i am a little too into the picturesque things in life. this is a term i learned recently from a book i’ve only read a chapter of and already feel like dropping, and basically the character was also into the picturesque. he was into the visual aesthetic, the beautiful things in life that he over-romanticizes. i feel like i do that too sometimes, or i guess most times because i find myself thinking and viewing my life as a movie, and thinking of the beautiful shots i’d include in the b-roll, or the tender moments as being part of a pivotal scene. maybe that’s detrimental to the actual experience of living but hey, there’s no rules on how to live my life, if this is how younger me decides is a good way to exist then who am i to say no to her? i think i live a very boring and mundane life, like the character in the book does. maybe i should stop comparing myself to him considering he literally commits a murder later on.

i think there are things i could be doing, things i fantasize about me possibly experiencing, things i’ve hear about, things i’ve seen on tv that i could also live, but i don’t think i’ll have the balls to do. maybe it’s a good thing because almost all of them seem like things i’ve been taught against, but it’s lowkey robbing me of my agency in life and what the hell. am i stopping myself from being happy? why would i do that? why would anyone do that? is it because im too shy? to scared? of what though? the repercussions? who would really school me? my parents already have 2 children who live their lives the way they choose to, so why am i different? do i think i somehow don’t deserve that? do i think that i’m better than them? sometimes i just want sarah to shut the fuck up and go live a little, to be out there a little more, to be the person she wants to be, but i always back off, why the hell do i do that? why do i kid myself and say that i’m being a good person by not doing anything, because am i really? i’m just a 19 year old who doesn’t think she has even started living. i see myself as the one in the bleachers, kind dissatisfied with the fact that the racer on the track isn’t there yet, but i’m her, i’m the one that’s meant to be on the starting line, but i don’t see myself even going down the stairs towards the track anytime soon. honestly this sounds sad as fuck, im not even a participant in my own life but when talking to others why do i inflate myself to the point where i make myself believe i’ve actually accomplished something in my life, cause clearly i have not.

this is making me motivated again, nothing like a good old self deprecation to make yourself feel alive again. i want to do things, i do have plans, i want to see things, and i am going to do it. i need more friends though like i know i can do this shit alone but it just feels shitty and i haven’t gotten comfortable enough with myself to do anything more. as much as i can say that i don’t need anyone, it does help when someone’s there enabling your behavior, or maybe i can even call is “supporting” :O maybe hehe. ok then make better friends, go talk to that pretty girl in class, go say hi and talk about the prof, go be the one to compliment someone, go be approachable, its not impossible, so go do it. also get better style.

this definitely spiraled into something it didn’t start out from and i can talk a billion more things about it but i think this is just how i think, so how i think is going to be how i write.

its a warm tuesday june morning, i drank some chai and ate some noodles, i was on my phone for way too long, and i’ve been up all night.

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talk-geek-to-me · 4 years

Note

All the ones you didn't do in the last ask!

So I’m finally getting around to doing this. and you fUCKING HATE ME. This is gonna be hella long. (she asked for all of them)

This is for the WaterColor asks that I posted last night

Zinc White: how are you really feeling today? I’m very tired tbh like all i wanna do today is sleep rn. very tired

Cadmium Yellow: When you think of the word “happy” what's the first thing that comes to mind? ummmmm probably my boyfriend and the very funny moments you and i share

Lemon: What’s your comfort food? Ben and Jerry’s Brownie Batter Core Ice cream. that shit makes me feel better immediately

Hansa Yellow: What’s your guilty pleasure song? honestly idk, but i will tell you the song that I cant get enough of and its All Time Low by Jon Bellion. like i honestly cant get enough of it rn

Yellow Ochre: Name an artist/band whom you just discovered and cant get enough of. right now its the song that I just said in the last ask. but the band? shit ummmmmm, idk but i’ve been listening to anything in my liked playlist from spotify. so it varies

Naples Yellow: where do you feel most at home? uh, i dont really know. I moved to Idaho so i haven’t figured that most yet

Raw Sienna: with whom do you feel most at home? my boyfriend. I miss him so much and I honestly cant wait till i see him next

Golden Ochre: describe the relationship with your closest friend. JESS *insert random thing that im currently screaming about*

Golden Deep: what’s your favorite season? fall, i can wear converse and hoodies and be comfortable

Cadmiun orange: What do you like to do on your days off? i love to do things that have to get done. like today, i did more homework than i thought i was gonna do and cleaned my bathroom. it’s been a good day.

Orange lake: do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad? I listen to music and not do my homework, just focus on me

Titans: do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings? tbh i think i prefer slow mornings cause im not a morning person so that gives me time to sleep in

Shaknazaryan Red: are you currently binge watching anything? CRIMINAL MINDS

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)? i think i’m a bit of both

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it? not really theres a picture i really like tho. here’s the link! https://www.pinterest.com/pin/46865652355803785/

english red; what animal do you relate to most? honestly, a raven

vermilion; what’s your favorite accent? british, like tom holland and tom hiddleston british

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other? ....jess you know. but for those of you who don’t know, its the bad boy type... seriously, bucky barnes, loki, and according to jess its the dark-haired, chiseled features, built af, don’t worry, she made a point, like all the famous people im attracted to... all contain the same things that my boyfriend contains. my boyfriend is dark haired, chiseled features, thicc

scarlet; describe your current crush/es. DARK HAIR, CHISELED FEATURES, BAD BOY TYPE BOYFRIEND

ruby; what does your ideal first date look like? honestly, i dont have one

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like? dont have one

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date? considering i kissed my boyfriend within the first hour of meeting him, sure

rose; what’s something really positive going on in your life right now? im actually keeping up with school rn and im fairly proud of myself

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to? sleep

violet rose; what does your dream house look like? windows. so many windows big kitchen, comfortable

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down? not really, i’d settle down anywhere as long as im with the man i love

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down? traveling

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to? honestly, i havent been there yet

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it? ummmm, im kinda always in a good mood?

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember? [redacted] [redacted] [redeacted] [redacted] [redacted]

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each? 2 or 3 kids, 2 dogs and hopefully a cat. married to my boyfriend

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could? NO it’s too common, its why i prefer people call me meg or megs. i hate my name.

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent? vanilla

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any? lipton pure leaf raspberry tea, and it has to be cold

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant? literally anything that i could water every once in a while and it still be alive

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog? no, my life is really boring

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives. curves, well built, purple red hair. honestly, im super comfortable with my body

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario? ya know that scene in vampire dairies when Damon is comforting Rose as she’s dying? yea it looks like that

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better? im pretty comfortable with it, just wish my boyfriend was with me

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them? ready? you’re gonna laugh jess, Romania, Ireland, England

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn? so my mom is from Chile, and she’s native in spanish, but im native in english and cant speak a lick of spanish, but i have been doing the duolingo spanish lessons and its like my latina side has woken up, but i cant speak spanish, i can read it and hear it and probably translate it for you

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book? Stalking Jack The Ripper by Kerri Maniscalco

olive green; are you currently reading anything? how do you like it so far? no, im too busy with school and work that i dont have time to read anything and its making me sad. but i always have a book in my backpack just incase

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh? the first Avengers

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself? clean my fucking greasy ass face

umber; have you drank enough water today? nope, thank you for reminding me tho

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent? you, cause you always provide the best advice and make me feel like my emotions matter to you too

sepia; name five things that always make you happy. Superheroes, music, my boyfriend, my friends, and books, etc

indigo; what’s the best/sweetest compliment you have ever received? today, i was sitting in my car ordering my drink from dutch bros and someone told me that they liked my hair even tho he couldnt really see the color of it. But i get a lot of compliments from my boyfriend about my eyes

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic? shit, uhhhh, superhero murderer?

black; post a selfie because you are so beautiful! I’m gonna share with you the one that has my boyfriend going crazy

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pinkykitten · 5 years

Text

Space Helmets and Marshmallows

The Good Doctor

Neil Melendez x autistic & white! female reader

Warning: patient has heart transplant, patient with cancer

Specifics: fluff, romance, pictures, gifs, autistic reader, white reader, one-shot

People: Neil Melendez, you, Shaun Murphy, Claire Browne, Jared Kalu (ik i just had to put him in here!), Morgan Reznick, Alex Park, Audrey Lim, Elena (oc), Stephanie (oc)

Words: 2,846

Requested: By @the-gang-makes-a-tmblr i have a request for the good doctor if you happen to do reader inserts because i want something based off of my level of autism that i have, my idea is reader is a new doctor after shaun she also has autism so initially melendez is unsure of her and bases what he knows from shaun so he takes a bit to warm up but what causes him to warm up is she is pretty good with patients she can have conversations if she has too, she can undrstand sarcasm and humour, but she still gets shaun, but anyway- - that causes melendez to see her in a better light basically this becomes a readerxmelendez, and yeah. also to add because the rules say i can suggest a race since you are race neutral since i am white please write reader as white. Also this isn't really AU i hope.

Authors Note: srry this took so long i have to deal with the issue about the tumblr links atm so im kinda changing things on my blog. also thnx for ur kind words💖💖💖

(not my gif! do not own!)

The elevator door dinged open as you stepped out. Books tightly gripped in your arms, ready for the interview of your life.

You saw on the news about that Dr. Shaun Murphy who changed the medical field forever. He has autism, and so do you. Yours is not on the level of Shaun’s but still Shaun made a difference in the world you lived in. He made it possible for people like you.

As a young girl you always wanted to be a doctor but when you learned you had autism all those dreams died. Until you saw how capable you were to do this, to become what you wanted. You kept going forward and did not listen to those who kept bringing you down. And now you were here, about to do an interview for the San Jose St. Bonaventure Hospital. You were ready.

Your heels clicked on the floor, you walked with a stride, in pride. You quickly looked at yourself in the mirror, making sure you looked presentable.

You smiled at your reflection and breathed out, “here we go y/n. You are about to change your life.”

As you walked in the room you spotted the President, Chief, and Chairman of the hospital. “Good evening, I am y/n l/n, and I am asking for a job here.”

“Yes I got the job!” You screamed into the phone to your long time friend. You were currently sitting in the cafeteria telling the great news to people close to you.

“Great job y/n! When will you be working?” Asked your friend. You chuckled and stood up to grab your coffee that was resting on the table in front of you. “Tomorrow actually, that’s when I get to meet the staff and kinda see my place in this but I am so excited!”

“I’m happy for you y/n.”

Just then you spotted the one and only Shaun Murphy with a quick reply you told your friend, “okay, let me call you back something came up.” You hanged up the phone and walked to Shaun.

“Um hello there, Shaun is it?” You smiled to Shaun, Shaun looked at you and clasped his hands together. “I do not think we have met.”

“No we have not. I’m new, my name is y/n l/n. Can I say what an inspiration you are to me-”

“Oh yes I have now heard of you. You are the new doctor, Dr. Melendez does not like you.”

You paused at your words and shook your head, “what?”

“Dr. Melendez does not want someone else on his team with autism. But I think he is being rude. It is nice to see someone else with autism.” Shaun looked somewhere else and waited patiently in the line.

“Well yes Shaun you are right that is rude, well then I guess I’ll just have to change his mind. Man news travels fast around here, but I wanted to talk to you about that. Shaun you have changed the way doctors look at people with autism, they now know that people like you and me are capable of greater things. I just wanted to say thank you.”

Shaun smiled and looked at you, “I just really wanted to be a doctor.”

You giggled back and brought out your wallet, “what you havin Shaun?”

“Chocolate chip pancakes, they are my favorite.”

“Here,” you and Shaun went to the front of the line, “I’ll pay.”

You and Shaun talked all through his break and you had to say he was so much fun. You understood him and felt a connection with Shaun. You felt you were going to fit in just right.

That is until you met Dr. Melendez.

Standing in the changing room you feel accomplished. You were doing this! Opening the door you inspected the way you looked in the mirror. Approving of the attire you then put on your watch. The moment you’ve been waiting for is now here. You delicately placed the white doctors coat on your shoulders, you fix it a little bit and then look in the mirror.

“Look at you y/n, I am so proud of me,” you smiled and smoothed down the coat.

“Oh hello there,” said a sweet voice. You turned around seeing a woman. You became bashful, hoping she didn’t hear you talking to yourself.

“Hi, names y/n l/n. Yours?” You asked sticking out your hand to hers.

“Claire Browne, and yes you are the new girl. Well we’re glad to have you here. I’m excited for you.”

“Thanks, unfortunately though Shaun told me that a certain Dr. Melendez doesn’t really want me here.”

Claire placed a hand on your shoulder, “don’t worry about him, he’s like that. He’ll warm up to you, I just know it.”

“Hey what are we ladies talking about?” Another doctor woman came in, smiling to Claire and then pausing with you. “You the new one? Y/n l/n?”

You nodded, “that’s me! Nice to meet you Dr. Audrey Lim. I have heard so many great things about you.” You shook her hand and gushed about her reputation.

“Ooh seems like someones done their research,” Audrey raised her eyebrows, going to her locker.

“Hi names Morgan Reznick, I know your name you don’t have to tell me. Let me just say to not trust everyone on here. And with Melendez you need to up your game if you don’t he will drop you. My suggestion, be better than everyone.” A doctor with blonde hair sneered at you. She smiled with a fake smile as she walked away full of confidence

“Who was that?” You questioned, still shocked someone talked to you that way.

Audrey just shrugged, “that my friend is Dr. Morgan Reznick. She can be nice, when you’re lucky.”

Feeling now nervous and scared you wonder if the group will like you. You came in this all confident in yourself but now you just questioned everything.

“Oh Jared’s waiting for me outside, I’m gonna go get him,” Claire said announced while reading her text messages.

You all waved to her and proceeded with the morning.

You made good friends already in that one day with Audrey and Claire. They also introduced you to Dr. Jared Kalu and Dr. Alex Park. They both were so kind to you, saying that they did appreciate your braveness. They also knew about your autism, but they made it clear to you the minute they saw you that it did not define you. They still treated you with respect and kindness.

“So y/n, have you ever had hands on experiences?” Alex asked, the group that you made friends with walking with you.

“Yeah I once saved this mother in Africa who her baby had a nuchal cord. The baby was dying and we had very limited resources so I did what was necessary and saved the mother and the child.”

“I feel she knows what she is doing,” Shaun popped out of nowhere, apparently listening to the conversation.

“Well thanks Shaun, I just knew I needed to save those two. But I’ve had more.”

“Thats cool you go to places like Africa, have you gone anywhere else?” Jared asked, also reading the ipad.

“Actually I have, I have worked in places like Mexico, Russia, more places where the hospitals are not the greatest there. They are poor or need some help.”

“Did you tell any of those people in the places you visited that you had autism?” Morgan gave you a smirk, raising her eyebrows.

“No, no I did not. I don’t usually tell people because then they won’t let me perform or do surgery on a patient.”

You all turned the corner and your eyes made contact with a very handsome doctor. The first thing you noticed was his tattoo. It was creeping a little out of his shirt.

“I didn’t know we we’re having a party?” He said sarcastically, meaning he didn’t want you all to continue on talking.

Jared coughed in his hand, trying to say that there was a new person here. The handsome doctor looked to you and crossed his arms. “Who are you?”

“I’m the new doctor, y/n l/n. You must be Dr. Melendez. Pleasure to meet you,” you stuck your hand out but Melendez did not take it. He instead placed his hand on your shoulder and brought his lips to your ear. “Don’t think this will be easy, you’ll have to earn the respect and earn your way to the top.”

Unable to form words and wanting to still be respectful you laughed and just looked everywhere.

“Claire, y/n and Jared, you guys are going to be working with me today. Lets see how good y/n can do.”

Claire placed a reassuring hand on your back and gave you a warm smile. “He’s like this in the beginning.”

You looked down and tried to push his hurtful comment away but it just kept hurting you. It made you feel useless. With a strong attitude you straightened your posture and walked with maturity.

“What are we working on doctor?”

That day your team had to work on a heart transplant. The woman, named Elena, her heart was too big for her body. You felt awkward in the room because you felt you weren’t allowed to say anything.

“And whats wrong with you? Can’t talk?” Elena asked, putting her hands out.

As you were about to say something Melendez stuck his hand on your back and chuckled, “Ella es nueva (she is new).”

Scratching your head you whispered into Neil’s ear as to what he said. He just brushed it off. What was odd was you liked Dr. Melendez Spanish. It was sexy to you.

The old woman just laughed and nodded, “I understand.”

Bringing the woman to the surgery room you thought you were at least going to make incisions on her. Instead, your mean boss made you just use the surgical pump. Feeling like you were dumb you stood there, angry.

“Y/n if you don’t lighten up I would quickly advise you to get out of my surgery room.” Melendez said, paying attention to the monitor.

“Right, no got it 100 percent Doc,” sarcastic words dripped from your mouth before you even thought what you said.

Melendez gave you a look of, “don’t try me.”

It was like that for a couple of months. You were only used for that one thing. At night your mind raced with thoughts of this wasn’t for you. You thought maybe you weren’t meant for this job. Feeling more and more down about your days in the hospital you would go to seek guidance, or just have a fun chat with your friends. Being best friends with Claire Browne was the best. She made you feel happy and worth while when you talked and hanged out with her. You also hanged out with Shaun. You understood him the most and when he was having his episodes when he just was frustrated you stood by him and aided him through that. Knowing how its is going through autism you knew what it meant to have those frustrated episodes. You knew how it felt to think that nobody gets you, but you were always there for Shaun.

What also made you feel grateful and at least some joy in your job was seeing patients. You met all sorts from all walks of life, different age, skin color, ethnicity, disease. You felt you were there for them and that’s what mattered to you.

Melendez was not as mean to you anymore for the months that went by but you could tell he still didn’t trust you. You tried being kind to him and you’re still sticking with that strategy.

You had many patients that you would see during lunch and after your work but one stood out to you. It was Stephanie, it was a little girl that had leukemia.

You finished your work, putting your doctor robe in the locker you walked out in your blue suit.

As you were coming out of the room you accidentally knocked into Dr. Melendez.

“Sorry, I’m in a bit of a rush. My apologies.” With a quick word you sped off down the hallway.

Neil was curious and looked back and forth, “what is she up to?”

You walked into Stephanie’s room with a present hidden behind you, “hello there sweetheart, how was your day?”

“It was perfect and just great,” she said sarcastically. “But its great now that you’re here.”

You embraced her and kissed her hairless head. Her blue emerald eyes just looked at you with happiness. “Me too Steph, my days great just because I am seeing you.”

Dr. Melendez heard you and someone else talking, he ran to see what the commotion was. What sight he saw! It was something so beautiful! You were talking to a little girl with cancer. He saw how tender and affectionate you were to that little girl. It made his heart race for you and finally he saw that even though you were not like Shaun you are you. You were meant to be working as a doctor. Neil just stood there and watched the conversation, feeling a smile creep up on his face.

“I got you something,” you said excitedly. “Here.” Handing her favorite animal which was a unicorn made her squeal and jump up and down. She hugged the plush so hard and kissed it with many kisses.

“Oh thank you y/n, thank you so much!”

“Of course sweetheart. Now do you have the goodies?”

Stephanie eyes opened wide and nodded fast, “here is yours y/n.” She got a space helmet made from soft fabric that you made for her. Hers was blue and yours was gray. You then put on the tv a space show you and her love to watch.

“Now,” Stephanie asked this time. “Do you have the goods?”

You and her laughed and you patted her arm. “Of course silly, I always remember to bring them.” You brought out marshmallows the mini ones to be exact, those were her favorite.

“Yes!!!!! I love marshmallows,” she cheered out loud. As she looked up she saw Neil though. “Oh hello there, would you also like some marshmallows?”

You turned around to see who Stephanie was talking to and as you saw Dr. Melendez you quickly stood up. “I am sorry sir, forgive me I was just wanting to play with-”

Neil put his hand out to shush you and laughed, actually laughed in front and because of you. “You look awesome in that.” He pointed to your space helmet. You looked down and giggled as well, “Um Doctor, would you like some marshmallows?”

“Neil, and sure. What are we watching?”

Melendez sat next to you through out the whole thing. He laughed with you and even touched you a little. It made you start to have feelings for him. He was actually very funny. He even made Stephanie laugh.

The night sky was pitch black but there were a few stars in tonight.

Melendez offered to walk you to your car after Stephanie fell asleep and during your guys walk you had conversations about many things.

“Seeing you with that little girl made me feel very proud of you. As a doctor you try to just make sure your patients are safe physically but sometimes we need to help them emotionally. You did that with that little girl.”

“Thank you Neil,” you smiled to him. “I just try to understand our patients. I want to make sure that they know that we are here for them. I love making people laugh and hearing their chuckles, I want to make them feel loved.” You expressed yourself for the first time, genuinely to Dr. Melendez.

“Good job y/n. I can see that you are to be trusted more and for that I’m sorry for being so harsh to you. I was just-”

“Worried about your patients. I just hope this makes you have more of an open mind. But I am ready for whatever you have to put on me. I can take it.”

Neil nodded his head, “Hard worker, I like it.”

“Well this is me,” you stopped by your car. “See you tomorrow...Neil.” You grinned widely.

Melendez nodded and walked away but then he ran back to you. “Wait! How about tomorrow you come over for dinner, my place?”

You walked closer to him, inching closer and closer until your lips met. It was a short kiss but it was sexy. You licked your lips and winked at Neil, “sure yes, of course. Can’t wait!”

Neil eyed you up and down, knowing you were not to be messed with, “Good well see you there.”

“Bye,” you waved to him while getting in the car. You couldn’t wait for tomorrow and you felt you were finally getting somewhere with him. As you drove away from the hospital all you thought of was that kiss and how giddy and happy you felt. You were excited for the future.

Tag List: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @dreamsofwhiteandblack, @hyehoney, @wtfisalltherandoms, @haven-prelude, @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @bappo-take-a-nappo, @multireese,@fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (cannot be tagged), @bi-shy-and-ready-to-die

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#the good doctor #x reader #neil melendez #neil melendez x reader #white reader #autism #autistic reader #fanfiction #neil melendez imagine #dr neil melendez #requested #space helmets and marshmallows

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chaniters · 5 years

Text

Coming out

The ending of this edulcorated Chargestep nightmare fluff I’m writing, The plan is revealed and the farm confronted with it’s greatest enemy so far.

Also, Ricardo Ortega and Sidestep go for their dinner date, following up from the last fic (Supersize me).

The waiter leaves after taking your orders The place is actually fancy. It's one of Los Diablos finest restaurants.

You can't help feeling foreign here. You were always faded in the background whenever you had to be in places like this.

And you can hear their thoughts. People wondering who's the guy in Charge's table. There’s curiosity and even a hint of jealousy.

You shift uncomfortably in your seat... And he takes your hand with his. You tremble as you hear the collective mental gasp of everyone looking at you two.

"Would you stop thinking about them and look at me?" He asks. You force yourself to look up. There's his stupid smile... the big eyes... And then he makes it even worse. He presses your fingers in his hand and speaks.

"You know, you're looking so fucking hot right now... I should have done this a long time ago. Just show you how I see you."

"You... really like this?" You say motioning to your own self. You had no trouble believing he liked you in costume, after all, you were always proud of your skills. But here, in plain clothing is another story.

"Yes, dumbass, I like you. How many times do I have to tell you?. We kissed like ... so many times. What else do I have to do to convince you?"

He takes a sip of wine before going on.

"You know, sometimes it's EXHAUSTING to endure how dense you can be."

"Alright, alright... no need to rub it in my face, I get it" you say looking away.

"No, I don't think you do! I've been throwing curve-balls at you for about a decade and not ONCE did you pick them up except for the AWKWARD moments."

"Well..."

"I started to think I just wasn't your type"

"No! THat's not it... I mean..."

"AM I, OR AM I NOT YOUR TYPE CYRUS?" he asks raising his tone. "BECAUSE IM STILL WONDERING RIGHT NOW."

"OF COURSE YOU ARE MY TYPE!" You burst out. And then you lower your volume since everyone can hear you "From when we started training together... I had to make an effort not to look at you all the time and..."

"Uhu... I see. Go on" he cues you to continue

And then you can't stop. You tell him stuff you hadn't even remembered until now. About how you hated it when he was with someone else. About how confused you were after he kissed you at the party. About the fight with Psycopathor and the dreams, you had after he saved you. About calendars that you had hidden in your apartment when Anathema bought them for you as a joke. You go into even some very embarrassing stuff, like when he carried you out so many times. You confess about using Steel's hostility as a tool to keep him away and protect your secret.

"Oh. I see... Tell me more" he says with an absent look.

And then you go on about how you love his smile... his eyes.. his arms and...

And then you choke when you realize the intensity of his gaze. Like he's going to devour you alive.

He's been enjoying this from the start. Watching you agonize and talk on and on about how you thirst for him.

The two of you don't finish your meals, pay early and head home. Home. You would have said "His place" not too long ago. You stumble with the keys and they fall down from your hands. He takes them from the floor and opens the lock.

The moment you enter he pushes you onto the wall and kisses you like a wild animal. And you have basically lost all self-control by this moment.

He starts taking (ripping) off your clothing.

"How many ... layers??" he asks frustrated... until he gets to the last nanomesh. And then he notices the panicked expression.

"I've thought this through," he says, pulling you towards the bedroom. He just pushes you on the bed, and you collapse there, moving on your back towards the center.

He leaves the room briefly... returning with something in his hand, hoping in, landing by your left side.

He opens his hand. A blindfold.

Ricardo puts it on over his forehead.

"Will this do?" he asks You nod, surprised. He lowers the blindfold over his eyes.

"Now take that thing off"

And you both do...

He climbs on on top of you. Kissing you... feeling you.

It's not triggering your alarms. You know him. And don't feel threatened.

"Hey... stop... stop," you say.

He freezes immediately. "W.. what did I do?" he asks

"Nothing... just... " you extend a hand and remove his blindfold.

"But then you'll..."

"I think I can handle it?... Just... go slow please"

He gives you the widest smile.

--------Several days later-----------

Brushing your mind against his, you find an entrance and take hold, firmly. The senator is asleep, you can't work like this. You take his body and make him take a few steps. You need to wake him to access his thoughts... not to control a zombie.

You find them. And you do what you've done dozens of times already. Set his fixation ready, burning white hot in intensity, for the time when the signal is given.

And then you free him, making him think he just sleep-walked a bit. Float like a ghost, back to your own body.

The return is brutal. You hadn't possessed that many people in succession since... ever. This is new territory.

And possessing people is not your only activity these days...

Ricardo finally confessed to you that he couldn't keep up a few nights ago. That he's not that young anymore. You saw the failure in his eyes. Mission accomplished you said, trying not to tease him too hard.

You've lost several pounds from this.

Your body is a wreck, but you are at the top of the world. Having Ortega for yourself and destroying your enemies have quickly become your two favorite activities and now you do them together, daily.

The routine goes on for about two months until all the pieces are in place.

And then Charge casually talks with the first domino piece and gives him his verbal trigger command.

The retired scientist goes to the media, whistleblowing on the farm's human rights violations. He dies on an accident shortly after.

He is followed by a senator, a decorated general, and two low-tier bureaucrats. One of them is imprisoned on drug charges. The two other die and the fourth has a mental breakdown.

Ten other witnesses go public to the media immediately after, revealing droves of information. As one of them dies, the FBI reveals it had begun an investigation on the killings.

Dozens more witnesses come trough, and the scandal reaches national levels. You've mind-controlled about a hundred and fifty in total, changing their minds into scandal timebombs. And you commanded them to seek others, and get more evidence as well.

Soon enough the killing stop, and the Special Directive, unmasked, becomes a pariah among government agencies. Senate commissions and federal investigations fall upon them like birds of prey. It's director removed and in custody.

-------The stage is set.----------

"Good morning Los Diablos! We are joined on studio here by Charge, here for an interview about...

You sit awkwardly behind the cameras. Waiting for your cue... at any moment he will ... There.

"I have some important personnel announcements to make" Ortega interrupts her

"Oh? Personal you say?"

"Yes, Mia. I'm very proud and happy to introduce everyone to... My boyfriend, Cyrus Basri. Yes, I'm coming out!" he says motioning for you to come forward.

You've been seen together in enough public spots to have people question your relationship. A ton of photos of you together will surely surgeon the media within minutes.

You force your legs to get you in front of the camera because if this goes wrong, you might actually not live to tell the tale. This is the most critical part of the plan. All up to you.

She asks you questions. You answer them. You are his boyfriend. You love him. No, you are not yet engaged. When you tell them you've known him for more than 10 years, they wonder who you are.

They go back to Ricardo.

"So we're coming out," he says holding your hand, giving you the confidence you still lack. "But that's not all. We have one more revelation to make" he ends looking at you.

You take the longest breath of your existence. And speak to the country.

"My Name is Cyrus Basri. I used to defend the city as the Hero Sidestep. I stopped the Nanosurge. I fought against Heartbreak... And..." you pause. Not because you are terrified, but for drama. They made you an actor after all. "And seven years ago, I was kidnaped by the Prime Directive. I was abused, beaten, drugged and experimented upon. My humanity was denied, and I was subjected to the most heinous experiment ever devised. I am a victim and a survivor of the Special Directive" you say removing your shirt before the cameras for all to see.

Everyone goes silent as the final bomb explodes.

You cry on live tv. Ricardo holds you. The audience gasps. You make sure to make all of their reactions are positive and supportive. You're surprised it would have been that way even without your power.

Mia is shocked but instantly begins asking questions. More reporters show up. You answer each and every one. You break up several times, showing yourself even more vulnerable than you actually are.

You tell the Truth. You reveal the connection between the Directive And Heartbreak.

And then you also lie. You accuse the Directive of all sorts of despicable things that your witnesses have fabricated evidence about. Ortega backs you up. You couldn't ask for a finer wingman.

As the show finally ends, federal investigators come to talk to you. Then, finally, after you've gone with half of their questions, a high ranking official from the White House shows up to talk to you.

You demand Ortega be present and he sits by your side.

After a few words, he offers you a deal. You look at Ortega, and he finally nods.

You shake hands.

By the end of the day, you are truly Cyrus Basri, with a birth certificate, and social security number, a driver's license, and a bank account full of stolen money that now legally belongs to you.

Your past is erased. You're no longer a regene, but a civilian victim who was manipulated, enslaved and experimented upon by a rogue organization.

And most other regenes will get similar deals. They'll never admit they created life. Fine by you.

Your problems fixed within hours.

And now you are Ricardo's official gay boyfriend. That is new...

The rangers reactions were shocked as you said your goodbyes.

Chen was tearing himself apart. "YOU WERE GAY?" he repeats over and over talking to you and Ortega. Herald can't stop telling you how proud he is about you coming out like that. And Argent is maybe not your closest friend but she's beaming for Ortega and you being a thing.

You flee the country together a few days later to avoid the rest of the media storm.

Private cruise through the Caribbean. You go on false names. It's part of your deal. To spend a whole year outside the media's reach.

And they know you can do that.

Because you beat the odds.

You are the cuckoo who became a real boy.

______________________________________

My Fanfiction: https://chaniters.tumblr.com/post/181692759294/my-fanfiction-for-fallen-hero

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fan fiction using characters and the setting of the Fallen Hero: Rebirth and upcoming Fallen Hero: Retribution games written by Malin Riden. I do not claim ownership of any characters from the Fallen Hero wold. These stories are a work of my imagination, and I do not ascribe them to the official story canon. These works are intended for entertainment outside the official storyline owned by the author. I am not profiting financially from the creation of these stories, and thank the author for her wonderful game/s, without which these works would not exist.

#fallen hero: rebirth #fallen hero spoilers #Chargestep #AU

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flechxtte · 5 years

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normally i put a nice little organized cache of information before my fics but this one is just. a little snippet of an AU i got sent an ask for like. years ago. that i’ve been slowly pecking away at ever since. this is honestly as far as i’ve gotten. i have more planned, but. i’ll be honest, i’m not sure i’m ever going to actually Finish It rip

the prompt was shen and wolf boss in a high school AU, with a nerd/popular kid plot kinda thing going on :v

as. per usual on my blog, i use the name ‘huan’ for wolf boss lies down

"How did you even get into tutoring, if you hate it so much?"

The scritch of the red pen stops mid-stroke. There are red marks and lines, neat, severe, littered all over his double-spaced essay (Shen had insisted on a typed draft). It's a wonder the peacock can understand what he's written at all.

Red eyes are leveled at him next, rolled up to him as if having to gaze upon a very poorly constructed art project (yet another subject Huan has little doubts Shen would be quick to brutally criticize).

"It was my parents' idea," Shen eventually answers, gaze drifting back down to the paper before him. Huan watches him read through a line once, twice, before grimacing and striking one neat line through it. "Cultivating a desire to assist others, in their own insipid words. Another worthless tic on a resumé I'll never need, more like."

It's been four months since Huan started seeing Shen for homework assistance. In that time, Huan has learned he's so far been the longest tutee the peacock has had. He's been wanting to ask that question now for weeks. The answer is a little less inspiring than he had hoped.

He leans back in his chair, bored, and wonders if Shen is the type to tip people in precarious positions over. After a moment, he decides the peacock absolutely is and brings all of his chair legs back to the ground.

Shen has all the makings of a 'popular kid.' His parents are rich. He has the attitude to go with it. He comes to school in clean, pressed clothes and steps out of a luxury foreign car to do so. He is easy on the eyes. He talks back to teachers in a way most of them would only dream of. But in a strange twist of fate, Huan has seen him ostracized.

Having spent some time with the peacock, Huan can't say he's surprised: Shen is deeply unpleasant company. He is blunt, impatient, and distressingly... mean. He doesn't care for parties and seems actively insulted by attempts to befriend him. More than that, he displays an almost single-minded devotion to academics. Huan finds it baffling.

A long sigh brings him back to the present. Shen is tapping his pen against the wood of his desk and staring down at the essay. He hasn't made it to the bottom yet; it seems he's given up on making notes.

"...were you... possibly drunk when you wrote this abomination? This is just barely F-worthy material. And I think that's being generous."

"What?!" Huan snatches the paper out from under Shen's beak, looking over the marks and trying to make sense of whatever this strange-looking 'P' symbol is.

"There's no way it was that bad-- come on."

"The marks don't lie."

"No, but they get pretty picky sometime- like this- what is this? 'Copious?' What's wrong with it? It's spelled right!" And he'd been quite proud of the fact he'd used a less recognizable word, at that.

"But it's not used correctly. The sentence sounds moronic."

"...oh, whatever. I think it sounds fine."

Shen crosses his arms, staring up at Huan with a rather flat, unimpressed expression.

"You wrote the bulk of this at a party and then just plugged in 'pretty' words this morning before you got here, didn't you?"

Huan swallows thickly before he gives a nervous, disarming chuckle.

"...well, it was... a pretty awesome party."

If anything, Shen's expression seems to sour even further, until he looks downright frustrated.

"But was some party worth this sub-par grade? Come on, think for once, would you?!"

Huan's ears lay flat against his head at this-- the peacock has his way of touching nerves.

"Look, I know you. Your standards are way higher than any of the teachers'. What grade would they give this? And don't give me any of your crap."

It's a long silence that stretches out before Shen's answer. Huan can see he doesn't want to answer at all, but he doesn't let up, staring the peacock down.

"...they'd probably give it a C. A low C," Shen adds belatedly.

"See? So, what's the big deal-- a C is a passing grade. I'm good with that!"

"You're impossible. Fine! Make your mediocre grades-- I'm sure they'll go splendidly with your future as a harried, overworked burger flipper who can barely write his own resumé. Maybe administration will see your shitty marks and come to the conclusion that I can't tutor worth my salt and finally take me off this position while they're at it!"

Huan doesn't answer for a long time, and silence settles between them like a sticky sheet of wax paper. It isn't that he's waiting for an apology. That's part of what makes Shen so infuriating-- he does not apologize. Not for anything he says or does, no matter how cruel. Does the peacock realize that predicting his fellow student's future to be so poor and ill-fated while he himself sits on a fortune and a comfortable financial security to look forward to is more than a little callous? Huan has his doubts.

The question remains, then, why Huan continues to come to these 'lessons', if they accomplish nothing more than to see him berated and abused by a student who is in all honesty a couple months younger than he is. The truth is he isn't entirely sure himself. Some of it is curiosity. Shen is unpleasant in an extreme way, a way that doesn't seem possible for someone so young. Huan finds himself wondering sometimes, just what had to have gone wrong for Shen's demeanor to form this way. But there's something else-- something he's only caught glimpses of.

"You should see if you can get him sweet on you," one of his friends had suggested two months ago, after the first time Shen had shown a glimmer of that something else, and Huan, in a daze, had told him about it. "Then we can have a rich friend. Betcha he wouldn't know what to do about it-- we could bleed 'im dry soon as he turns eighteen."

Huan had laughed at the time, though even then he'd known such a plan wouldn't work. Shen wasn't used to having friends, but he was also fiercely in control. At even the smallest intrusion of personal space, the peacock would be quick to throw out everything positive about their relationship and abandon it. Huan had no doubts about that.

#;typewriter ghost

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moldypieceoflasagna · 6 years

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36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe.

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity @drawinintherain )

#love exposing myself to people on the internet #hot

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dancedance-resolution · 3 years

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please do not reblog, this is just a personal little note

i’m really happy with how therapy went today

it was my fourth session with my new therapist. i think i like her a lot.

conversations with my new therapist feel a lot more natural than with the old one.

with her, i don’t feel the same sort of pressure that i did with my last therapist. my last therapist gave me extremely rigidly professional vibes. and this new therapist is still appropriately professional of course, but she’s also more casual. she always opens every session with a funny anecdote about her kids, and then sort of uses that as a segue to get me to share something similar, and then based on what i share, she asks a lot of questions that lead us to dive deeper.

conversely, my old therapist always followed a strict script. she first asked me to rate my mood on a scale of 1 to 10 (which i hated doing, because i never knew what my mood actually was other than “vaguely in the middle i suspect question mark”) (thank you alexythemia, lol). then she always asked “is there anything you want to talk about today.” and i would always shake my head no, because the question is too broad to know how to respond. and that’s something my mom and i actually worked on together - starting around age 17, before each session, we’d written down stuff i should mention. but i was rarely able to say the stuff i had prepared, because i couldn’t get myself to say the words (autism symptom maybe? idk). it’s a lot easier for me to talk when i have a narrow, specific question to answer, and if the other person has been talking for a bit before they expect me to talk. and my new therapist does both of these things

and i like that this new therapist is a bit similar to me. she’s fat. she doesn’t wear make up. she was raised catholic. oh, and she has visible tattoos - which i don’t have, but my point here is that she’s not the stereotypical picture of Health Professional. and she knows a lot more about adhd than my old therapist did, and she knows slightly more about autism than my old therapist did (which was Absolutely Nothing, lol).

also, i think that this change in therapists was necessary. i was with my old therapist for 5 years. i started seeing her when i was 14. she had a very specific perception of me based on how i was when she first met me at 14 - a perception which tainted the way she responded to my current problems. and that wasn’t a good thing for me, because my outlook on life and self-understanding have changed a lot since i was 14, in ways that i never was able to articulate to her properly. plus, i was always anxious to reveal anything new to her. like i was afraid she’d get upset if one day i was like, “hey bestie, i know i’ve been seeing you for 5 years already, but i’m just now going to bring up the fact that i’ve had issues with compulsively lying to my father since age 7 uwu.” (i know it’s irrational to fear “failing therapy”, but also, it’s not as irrational as it sounds. because when i was 18, my mom revealed to the therapist that i’ve always been the type of person to cry at the tip of a hat, and my therapist seemed kind of taken aback and frustrated that i never told that to her. and yeah, it is understandable that that would frustrate her, but it unintentionally made me feel really guilty and bad.)

also, this therapist definitely treats me like an adult more than the other one did. i think maybe my old therapist was still stuck on seeing me as that initial terrified 14-year-old. whereas this therapist gives me a lot more agency and has more trust in me to know myself and my needs. our sessions do follow somewhat of a routine, but it’s a routine we worked out together over the course of the first 3 sessions when she was trying to figure out how to make things comfortable for me. (example - at the first session, she asked me what i want out of therapy, and i said, “i don’t know.” she took me at my word, and she didn’t shame me for it. and i think that that experience sorta taught her that she needs to be more specific when asking me questions.)

i also like she’s very open with me about her perception of me. like, today, i told her about how i started crying when a staff member from my community college called me to confirm that i’d cancelled my classes for this summer semester. and my therapist expressed some surprise that i cried because [paraphrasing] “you always seem very put together and articulate during our sessions. sometimes i’m able to hear anxiety in your tone of voice about certain topics, but for the most part, you always seem very emotionally grounded during our sessions.” and her honesty gave us an opportunity to talk about masking. (also, i appreciate knowing that she can hear anxiety in my voice, because i had no idea that was a thing?? like i know you can hear when someone’s voice gets high-pitched and breaks like they’re gonna cry, but i‘ve never done that during one of our sessions? lol, so i guess this is a little fun fact i’ve learned about neurotypicals, that they can detect anxiety in ppl’s voices even if they’re not obviously on the brink of tears lol.)

a few specific things that happened at today’s session that were good:

when i talked about my sleep issues, she actually brought the conversation in a direction i hadn’t expected - she started asking if i’m putting too much pressure on myself regarding productivity. my initial answer was no - i unenrolled from my summer classes. i don’t have a part time job. i don’t have any traditional responsibilities. but upon discussing it, we kinda figured out that i am putting a lot of pressure on myself to enjoy the summer, because i have this sort of doomsday mindset of This Is My Last Summer Break Before I Have To Work Full-Time So I Must Take Advantage Of Every Moment To Enjoy Myself. and that’s unreasonable - it’s a pandemic, i’m recovering from bad burn out, and i’m trying to adjust to new meds. she actually said a lot of things about bodily consent and stuff that i’d already read in the book laziness does not exist, so it was sort of like affirmation and emphasis that those concepts are good, valid, and applicable to me.

she gave me some reassurance regarding my summer schedule. my alarm goes off at 6:20 every weekday morning so i can attend mass. (i’m an atheist, but the structure is very good for me.) but i’ve had some concerns that maybe waking up so early is unhealthy and also contributing to my sleep issues (i unintentionally wake up around 4 almost every morning, and i started to wonder if maybe that’s because my internal clock is anticipating waking up at 6:20). we discussed the pros and cons of waking up for mass in the morning, and she gave me her opinion that this schedule is probably good for me (she agreed with my pro/con assessment). and she also pointed out that i woke up at 6 every morning throughout high school without as much sleep issues, so it’s more likely that the sleep issues are from anxiety. (and i’m going on anxiety meds starting in early july, so we’re hopeful that that will help that a bit.) so yeah, i feel better about my mass schedule, and i feel reassurance that this is a reasonable and good plan. she also said that she was very proud that i had not only the idea to use morning mass as a source of structure but also the discipline to go every morning despite the early hour and despite the fact that i have no external force forcing me to go 🥺 which was nice to hear, because over years of having undiagnosed adhd, i received a lot of messaging that i lack self-discipline, so i was glad to hear the validation that she thinks i’m a disciplined person (at least regarding mass, lol)

we talked about my summer goals, and we talked about possible sources of non-stressful accountability. the current flexible plan is that i’ll keep track of everything i accomplish from that goal list and then share it with her at the end of each session so we can workshop what went well, why it went well, what i’m struggling with, and how i could maybe work through those things better.

i still feel very anxious about this whole therapy thing (i’m still very scared that i’m doing it wrong and not saying the right things), but i felt especially good after today’s session. like, i’ve been in therapy for 5 years. i felt like i plateaued in progress a while ago, so i’m really happy that i managed to get something out of today’s session!!!!! that hasn’t happened in so so long (low key if ever…..).

also. IM PROUD OF MYSELF for sharing stuff with her, correcting her when she misinterpreted one thing i said, and having a positive attitude about how today went 😎. and i’m proud of myself for fending off feelings of guilt that i spent so long typing this out (it’s not wasted time, because it’s helping me process what happened today), and i’m proud that i’m in a place where i’m open to going on anxiety meds.

my life is still a mess. i had a fun little breakdown not even an hour before the therapy session, in fact! but i’ve made some significant progress over these few months - i started meds, i switched therapists, and i started (and am sticking to) a new daily routine. and i had the courage to prioritize my health and cancel my summer semester classes, which was a really hard decision for me! oh, and i also finally published that smutty crucible fic that’s been in my wip folder for over a year!

my mental health is still extremely poor, lol. in fact, one could argue that i’ve regressed in many ways. but guess what bitch!! i don’t have skooter ankle ideation, and also, generally? IM MAKING PROGRESS. that’s what counts. i’m very happy about that, and i’m very proud of myself for that.

#personal #long post #very long post

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petals42 · 6 years

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Ah, time for me to do SO MANY QUESTIONS! I was tagged by @andavs and @obroech so i’m going to do them all in 1 post!

up first, leda’s questions!

1. Your favorite work of art: Oh, leds.... ledserelli. you know this is a weakness in our friendship. i don’t know... any pieces of art?? i only know the most basic of artists... I think I liked monet? at one point? oh gosh i am uncultured swine.

2. Do you prefer a laid back vacation with lots of downtime, or lots of activities and sightseeing? my family is a bunch of lazy vacationers. we are ALL ABOUT that downtime. like if im in a cool city, then sure i want to do a few things, but i need my chill introvert time. leave me in a warm spot with a book for a little while. which i feel like is lame and can be embarrassing to admit in our very “TRAVEL IS LIFE” culture but its true. i dont actually do well with travel at all and need relaxing time.

3. What’s your skincare routine like? Minimal or extensive? A splash of water or a shelf of products, or somewhere in between? very minimal. i have some basic face wash for the morning and then just water at night.

4. What’s the last thing you do before you go to bed? mess around on the computer for a bit! either on tumblr or read a fanfic or talking to @andavs

5. Do you buy your books or borrow them from a library? I used to be a buyer but i don’t have money and my roommate is REALLY into the library and let me just say SHE HAS CONVERTED ME COMPLETELY!!! the library is AMAZING! it has saved me so much money in terms of novels that i have to read for school and it allows me to read some YA novels that i know i only want to read once without worrying about it and I LOVE IT SO MUCH. i’ve made a vow that the only novels I buy are going to be ones that i want to teach and its honestly awesome. if you have a library in your area, i HIGHLY recommend them.

6. A secret talent you have that most people in your life don’t know about: oh goodness... most people know about my talents. well, actually, most people don’t know i can write fanfic (but they do know I like writing and have written a novel draft). ack, all my talents are boring ones that people know about!

7. The show you watched the most as a child: ARTHUR! for a long time, we didn’t have cable so PBS was like our one channel so I watched Arthur and Dragon Tales for like... longer than was probably acceptable? Like right up to 10, 11, 12ish i think. but it was a great show.

8. The title of that book you’ve been meaning to read: People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn. It is RIGHT up my alley and supposed to be great and my mom read it and said it was awesome and I keep meaning to. But I have such a limited time between semesters that it usually gets filled up with fun reading.

9. Do you enjoy acting? Being onstage? I don’t do it in any formal way but I did take Beginning Acting senior year of college and it was awesome! I like public speaking and being in front of people so I think acting would be fun!

10. An uncommon object you own: A lacrosse ball? That in and of itself is not weird, i know, but no one in my family ever played lacrosse so i don’t actually remember how i got it. Weirder is that I brought it to college for some reason and then attached this weird like “nothing bad happened to my dorm/apartment in college” so i then brought it with me to Miami and then to LONDON and now it is in my apartment. it has never been used or played with but it shall probably continue to sit in my bedside drawer forever. (note: i just told Roommate A this and she said it was weird, really weird. she did not know this about me and we’ve lived together for like 7 years now).

*^*^*^ And now @obroech‘s questions!*^*^

1. What are you most proud of? I was a really, really damn good teacher back when I did it (and now im doing it again!). So i’m proud of everything I accomplished with my classes back then and I’m proud of myself for deciding to go back to it.

2. What was the last thing to make you really laugh? My roommates and I went to see “The Illusionists” magic show and coming out of it, we were talking about what our favorite part was, ect, ect. And Roommate A goes: “I didn’t like the manipulator (guy who likes makes cards appear from midair and stuff). I just... I don’t appreciate being tricked.” We all DIED laughing at her and just repeated that in a more and more snobby (and british??) accent and killing ourselves. “Oh, no, no don’t take me to a magic show- I don’t appreciate being TRICKED!” i wish you could hear me say it. it’s hilarious.

3. Who in your life knows you the best? Probably my roommates. One is my best friend from high school, one my best friend from college and then Roommate B is A’s husband who now has been living with me for going on 3 years. Also, my mom and dad know me pretty well too. I’m just thinking roommates know me more cuz there are here for the day-to-day now. and there are some stories you don’t tell parents. yaknow.

4. How do you react to unexpected circumstances? In emergencies, I get very, very calm and like “alright this is what we have to do. no one panic. lets take this a step at a step. here we go.” which is a good skill (i’m pretty good at calming people down from panic attacks!) generally, i’m pretty go with the flow i think!

5. Why are you doing what you’re doing with your life? Right now my life is all about manuevering SO MANY THINGS so that I can get my dream job at my dream school come august. it means taking lots and lots of classes and going to this school to observe and get to know teachers and february is going to be a STRESSFUL MONTH but hopefully it will be worth it. in terms of why im teaching, its because i really did love it and i feel like it does make a difference and is something i could do and be happy at for a long, long time.

6. Where do you feel most comfortable? home! on my spot on the couch with my roommates on their respective spots all of us just chilling and talking shit.

7. What do you want to do? right now? eat! it’s dinner time and I am a hungry person!

8. What’s the first thing you notice about another person? errrrr.... their face? how tall they are? i am not good at this question!

9. What are your favourite flavours? SALT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and spicy. I like savory much more than sweet things. Just give me salty spicy stuff all day please.

10. What genre of fiction (books, podcasts, movies, tv shows, whatever) do you gravitate towards? I love fantasy books. I like action/sci-fi-y movies (like star wars and marvel and shit like that). I love sitcom tv shows more than dramas. don’t really like podcasts.

OKAY I am tagging: @andavs @wellhalesbells @mad-madam-m @obroech @troubleiwant @rhysiana @poetry-protest-pornography @veronicabunch @sleepy-skittles and @queerlyalex to answer these ten questions:

1. What was the first story you ever wrote? (I think you are all writers, apologies if that is not so)

2. If you won the lottery, what would you do THAT NIGHT, like right when you find out?

3. If you could get the answer to one Big Question of life, which question would you want to know the answer to?

4. What fictional world would you like to be a part of and why?

5. Do you wear a watch?

6. Favorite item that you purchased this past year?

7. Favorite sandwich?

8. What has been your favorite part of the fandom experience?

9. Do you believe in ghosts/the supernatural?

10. If you went to one of these parties (where you give a three minute presentation on a cool passion or interest for those of you who don’t want to follow that link), what would your presentation be on?

As always, no pressure to answer! have fun with it! Thanks for tagging me!

#petals ask games #ten questions

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bujo-ie · 6 years

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11 Questions Tag

tagged by @yes-i-am-student! thanks so much, i love this tag :))

Rules: answer these 11 questions, make up some more and tag 11 people.

What’s your dream job? author :))

When was the last time you saw your friends? friends i go to school with: eight hours ago

What accomplishment are you most proud of in your life? really attempting to get my shit together; writing a resume and impressing my work supervisor so much that she recommended me into this program thing; getting into the ap capstone course in my hs; facing my fear of public speaking and voluntarily auditioning and joining the moot court team (as a spectator, but better than nothing!)

Do you make new years resolutions? yes! i’m getting to them slowly but surely :D

Who is your favourite artist or author? artist: edward munich, van gogh (how do you say his name?? srsly), and georges seurat author: j.k.rowling (potterhead), stephen king, laura barnett, elie wiesel, sarah dessen

How happy are you about where you are in life right now? i’m okay, but i’m a bit dissatisfied. my emotions have been fluctuating a lot and my studies haven’t been going as well as i want them to, but i seem to be holding up better. even so, there’s a lot i want to do.

Introvert or extrovert (or the mythical ambivert)? if this was a spectrum, i’d be between introvert and ambivert

Favourite item of clothing? swEATERS YALL ESP IF THEY HAVE ThE THUMB HOLES

Where is your dream holiday destination? tbh it kinda depends on what holiday but top top is always japan. i really want to go to berlin or munich in winter though

Do you like Star Wars? can’t like something i’ve never seen, ja?

How much time do you spend on your phone during a typical day? compared to my friends, actually not a lot. i’m not used to having a smartphone (i’m currently borrowing so it’s easier for school) and i limit myself to using it for music only since tumblr doesn’t work at school

:)) this was fun. here are my questions:

where do you want to be in ten years?

favorite instruments?

would you rather see a picture worth a thousand words or would you rather see the words themselves?

tell me your morning or nighttime routine.

favorite stationery brand?

are you a leader or a follower?

what kind of mythological creature would you be?

if you could time travel to any time period in any area of the world, when and where would you go and why?

best season?

have you ever been in love?

im tagging the last few people in my activity bc im lazy :)) so:

@someonedomygcsesforme @scinapses @muzikgurl3 @lunavirtus @resistudy @elvishstudies @sandiastudyblr @reviseing @morganizatixn @flo-studies @daisie-studies

#11 questions #11 questions tag

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swampgallows · 7 years

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something inside me has been killing me for years and i can’t pinpoint what it is and i don’t know how to make it stop.

i guess i could have been working all of this time. i’ve wasted a lot of time since i stopped working. i told my parents i was going to be working on my writing and my art and my DJing and i have barely done any of that. i havent been able to write my next chapter for months. nothing has come to me. and the story is a stupid fanfiction so it’s not really worth anything, it’s not like i’m working on the next great american novel or whatever. i havent finished the illustrations i wanted to do for my zine so i haven’t released that yet either. im barely scraping by on gift art. it took me 5 months to order the lathe cut for myself but i did finally do -that-. and im barely on the second section of coding. everything feels so difficult and i can’t focus on a single thing at a time. i’ve been trying to figure my life out but all of my avenues seem empty.

last night i thought if i could pretend to be someone else that wanted to take care of me, i would be able to take care of myself. after an entire day of not eating, around 1am i guess i finally got something to eat. i’d had “drinkable yogurt” earlier but this was actually semi-solid food i was making. soup and grilled cheese. i spent enough time outside with the dog that i got a little chilled and figured i’d have that. nothing sounded appetizing. as i was sitting outside with xena i kept seeing things move and flash in the night and froze up with terror. they werent real, of course, but i saw them anyway. little spirit beasts flitting through the darkness.

i’ve been trying to keep my head above water. part of me knows that i really wouldnt be able to have kept working. i would have snapped at somebody or been Too Ill. i would have shown too much, the non-professional me. there is no professional me. i feel like no matter how hard i’d try, even if i wanted to, i would always be tangentially askew from the pulsing Thing to which everyone else is tied. i cannot ever be part of this Thing that everyone else is part of. I dont think it’s the kind of thing that dropping E and suddenly feeling the Unity or whatever will solve. i dont think a rush of endorphins will make me feel like i belong to society. i feel like i am a liminal entity and i have to exist in an in-between state or i will cease to exist at all. i dont fully know what i mean by that except that i feel like i must always be on my way somewhere. i would rush out of work and class and anywhere else, i walk anywhere i can and listen to music and check out mentally and physically from everything else. i live in my head where it is safe, and that is not safe. the internet is almost like a real version of this; existing as a liminal, safe, curated Self, a self away from the self, a place detached from my body and lifestyle and anything else. its a great equalizer where everybody has a say no matter where or who they are.

i have written for over ten years now that i want to run away. i suppose i want to run away from myself but i’m not sure how true that is anymore. i dont know where i want to go. i have no destinations. just “away”. i’ve been wanting to go to rotterdam for half of my life. i had always wanted to travel, of course, but there was never anything i wanted to actually do or see except to one day go to the netherlands and go to a nightmare in rotterdam or something like that, and now it’s finally happening. and it’s bigger than Nightmare, it’s THUNDERDOME. i never thought i would have the chance to go to a Thunderdome party in my lifetime but i’m alive and it’s happening and it’s like i cant even envision what i want to do or anything. i just want to get there, and be there, and exist in a place that isn’t here, and look at clouds, and smell different air, and see different buildings, and then dance my balls off all night to some really, really, really great music. this should feel like my wedding day but instead i just feel ...hard. i feel like i dont deserve it, or like it’s not actually going to happen, or like i will just ruin everything, or that somebody else will.

nate was talking to me about all of these self-started self-accomplished people he’s been hanging out with and how he feels so pressured by their sheer level of success. he is also self-made and successful but feels like he’s supposed to be even more so. i dont know if i want success. i dont have anything to succeed at.

my friend, who is an older friend but i had to keep at arm’s length a while, has come back into my life recently to help me with coding. granted, he’s drunk 99% of the time he talks to me, but he’s at least trying to encourage me to stick with it. he always wants to voice chat with me but i usually dont have the energy, or i’m doing something else. he keeps telling me about all the success i could have—”it's a journey but it's well worth it, and it's just a topic that you'll never exhaust as long as you live, which is true of the best topics worthy of devoting time to, and you're super smart, you'll have no issue with this -- just keep it up over a couple of years, just chipping away at it, and the career that's ahead of you could be so interesting”—and i feel like i just... don’t care. about any of it. about anything. sure i’d like to make/have a lot of money, i guess, just to keep my comforts. but then what? im living with my parents who i know actually do care about me, but don’t seem to, or just “support” me.

when i finally got up the courage? stamina? delusion? to pretend to be someone else and grill me a cheese, i was feeling a little okay. i was feeling proud that i took initiative to at least fucking feed myself, since i barely seem capable of doing that. i was keeping up steam until i heard my mom crying from another room, “Where’s my baby girl? is that my baby?” and i knew she wasnt talking about the dog, and my heart dropped through my chest and i just wanted to die. “What do you want?” i snipped, trying to answer her but unable to hide my contempt apparently. “I just wanted to see you” or some such shit, i dont even remember what she said. “can i help with anything?” no “may i hug you?” (at least she asked) i don’t want to be hugged right now. “okay. im sorry you’re so unha--that youre not feeling good--- i hope you feel better...” and she hobbled away.

it was like 130 in the morning and i was standing over “45 calorie” wheat bread that had been thawed. my illusion of being someone that i was not—someone who gave a shit about me—was broken, and i felt like a fucking idiot, and i felt caught in the act of pretending, and i felt embarrassed, and i felt like... how dare i try to be something im not. how dare i imagine for even a fucking moment that im not genetically and financially and whatever the fuck else chained to this fucking family and all of my inherited neuroses and everything else. that she made an appearance specifically to disrupt whatever the fuck it was i was doing. because she had offered to cook me a thousand things and i didnt want any of them, and i didnt want her to take care of me, because im never going to be able to take care of myself, and when i finally took a course of action to actually try to feed myself my mom couldnt STAND it, apparently, and had to, still, offer to “help” when im MICROWAVING A CAN OF SOUP AND PUTTING BREAD ON A PAN. how could she HELP? she couldnt. she just had to fucking make her presence there because god forbid i do a single fucking thing on my own. i’m... 27 years old... for christ’s sake... i dont need “supervision” to toast some kraft singles onto bread... and if i did, i would ask.

or maybe i wouldnt. im not good at asking for help. even when i know i need it. i dont like owing people things or asking for favors. it just proves how worthless i am and that im dependent on other people and cant do anything by myself and that anything i do by myself fucks up. at least if i fuck up whatever it is i’m doing i wont have to drag anybody else into it.

so i finally ate and after a few hours of cramps and being unable to even eat without feeling like i was gonna throw up, i spent like an hour in the bathroom regardless, immediately purging whatever it was i dared to eat.

i dont know how to get better. part of me is afraid of getting better. if i have a good thing it will just be ruined. all i do is hold people back and im tired of getting in people’s way. im tired of making a bunch of wrong decisions and then half the time not even being able to own them. im tired of feeling like life is just happening to me and knowing that i dont have control over anything.

#blathering

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heroheart · 7 years

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im stressing and i look up to you a lot so i was just wondering: do you have any final exam tips? mine start on monday im dying

hey pal! first of all, good luck!!!! they’ll soon be over!!!! you’re at the last hurdle!!! just think about how free and relieved you’ll feel when you’ve finished!!! i have the worst revision habits but things i’ve found that have worked in the past… and it’s long but i really DO hope it’s helpful! if you need any help whatsoever, feel free to message again or IM me!

the number 1 rule:

STAY. OFF. TUMBLR.

on the night before your actual exams, i find it’s always really important to have a decent night’s sleep. and truuuuust me i know the toss-up between ‘i don’t know enough so i can’t go to sleep right now’ and 'i need to rest so i can actually understand what i’m doing in the morning’. BUT i’ve always found (especially recently) if i don’t get a good 7 hours sleep before an exam, even reading the questions becomes harder (my last exam was a horror show to begin with because i didn’t understand the questions when i first read them. i was like what the fuck does that even mean… and that was after 4 hours sleep. i actually had to think about what it was even asking me, let alone whether i knew what i was talking about.). you may have studied for longer, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll remember it, because learning is about consolidation as well, and giving your brain enough rest and SLEEP is really important for that. so! get seven hours at least please my lil cherub you need it. also remember to set alarms and discipline yourself enough to actually get up for them because!!!! remember you get so much time off afterwards so!!!

a hard™ part for me is always 'okay, i could study… or i could watch tv… or do this… or do something else…’ and you just need to remember that exams aren’t forever!!! you're so close to being done and afterwards, you can do all those things you said you wanted to do. SO sideline learning a new language or learning how to draw or catching up on that one tv show you really like, because afterwards, you have all the time in the world.

if you live by yourself, when you’re cooking, cook enough for 2+ meals. this means the next day, you don’t have to cook a meal from scratch and you can just micro it and it’s quick and easy and means mealtimes don’t have to take up like an entire hour’s chunk of time. (either that, or live off something easy for a while. i lived off omelettes, toast, cereal and fruit in my last week before my exams recently. you can make all of these eaaaasily and quickly. brain food is also important so!! don’t live off junk… hard, but try and get some nutrition.) i also did this for drinks and stuff. i drink a lot of tea (brit af 🇬🇧) and to stop me from making so many cups every like hour i’d just use a thermos and make like 3 at once fskjfsdh. also keeps it warm. HOWEVER, don’t study on an empty stomach because all you’ll think about is food lmao!!!!

if your exams are coming up soon, i wouldn’t recommend changing your revision/studying style. i also don’t recommend writing down schedules and making rotas even though the thought is great! really helpful! having an idea of what you want to get accomplished in the day makes it so much easier to complete because then you feel good at the end of it all, so that i do recommend. but writing it down and making a schedule takes up so much time (for me, anyway.) so if you do want a physical reminder of what you want to get done that day, i’d suggest making a to-do list. for example, mine was like '2x virology lectures, 1x drug transport’, not explicitly write ‘i’d spend an hour on this, then do that,’ etc.

you can’t study every hour of the day! you need to relax and chill for a bit! if all you’re doing is studying, i’d suggest getting up early, regimenting breaks into your schedule, and then you can finish a little earlier too. for example, i stick to working hours as much as possible. eat cereal, start at 9, break at 11 for 15 mins, lunch at 1, then work 2-5. then, depending on how close to exams i get, i take a break then, and then go back to it. then dinner, then back to it. ideally, i try not working beyond 9/10pm because by then i’m exhausted and saturated with information which needs to be consolidated (sleep!). however, to do this, avoid caffeine!!!!! wherever possible, anyway!! i try not drinking caffeine after around 4pm usually so i can literally sleep whenever lmao. this is the ideal!

i’ve been taught that if you find yourself getting tired and it’s a reasonable time to go to sleep, go to sleep and set your alarm to wake up an hour earlier in the morning, because you’ll be WAY more productive in the morning after a sleep. i’ve been taught that you get twice the amount done if you do that instead of trying to power through it late at night. ALSO DON’T NAP!!! i know!! studying is soooo fucking dull and painfully tiring and that temptation’s always there but pls don’t you won’t sleep and it’ll put you off kilter!!

i tend to wake up early on the morning of exams. recently, i was waking up at 6 for 11 or 12o'clock exams. this let me do the last minute bits, maybe an hour of actual writing and drawing and attempting to learn, and the rest of that time was spent re-reading old notes that i’d made before it. don’t freak out! i know the 'i know nothing’ feeling before an exam, and i know how it feels to go into that exam hall thinking you don’t know anything, but buddy… your brain’s an amazing thing. seriously, it’s cool as shit. you’ll find that even if you think you don’t know something, it’ll come back to you. you know more than you think you know!!!!! even if you didn’t study it, if you were listening when it was first taught, i find certain words act as cues and if you remember where you were for when you were taught it, it comes back for me sometimes!!!this being said, don’t fret if you don’t know things. no one’s asking you to get 100% on your exams!! a lot of the time, they make it so you can’t… because they’re arrogant and too proud to admit that someone knows the entire syllabus. (that’s what they did for us. my first lecture was one of my lecturers standing in front of the entire year and saying 'no one’s ever scored 100% on our exams before so don’t expect it’.) it’s okay not to know everything!! schools, unis, whatever you’re studying for – they know what they’re doing. they pile an insane amount of stuff onto you and it’s stressful! exams are stressful! it’s true!!! no one’s asking you to score perfectly.what i’m also saying with this point is don’t over-saturate your brain the morning of the exam. think about it. your exam’s in two hours. all the REAL time you’ve had to get to grips with the information has gone. this is why i read over notes before the exam – because if i go back and start trying to learn something i don’t already know, i panic. at least reading notes feels productive and it’ll stay in your short-term memory. repetition is really good for moving chunks of information into different memory stores, and re-reading notes is that kind of thing.

don’t just try and learn things verbatim. you have to understand what you’re talking about, instead of just regurgitating facts. i can’t tell you how many times i was googling stuff like ‘define osteomalacia’ and simple science terms that i forgot and needed to know in order to understand what’s going on. it’s all about building blocks. remembering the basis means you can remember the more elevated stuff! this also gives it more meaning and we remember more things if they mean more to us. this is also why just making lists and writing things out doesn’t work.be creative! get colourful! studying is one of the only excuses i have to whip out my colouring pens so you bet your ass i colour that red blood cell in or whatever. go nuts, kids.

as unfortunate as this one sounds, it’s… important. do not attempt to listen to music at the same time. it doesn’t work. especially if you’re looking at complex stuff that you don’t quite understand yet. don’t try it. it subverts your concentration and makes everything SO much harder. (if you do need to listen to music because it’s too loud around you, i’d suggest instrumental music on a very low volume just to tune out other noises. music itself is a controlled noise so it can be helpful, but only at low volumes. i find that when i listen to music, i have it on like 1 or 2 on my phone’s volume and after the first couple of songs, i zone out and forget about it anyway.) silence is ideal! try and put yourself in a situation where you can get it!

another point to make is that we use contextual cues in order to remember things. unfortunately, this means staying out of bed. get up, sit at your desk, or a table, and work from there. it works so much better and you’re in a more work-related environment. your memory relies on contextual cues so if you study at a table, and you sit the exam at a table, there’s the possibility that you’ll remember more.

YOUR PHONE IS YOUR ENEMY. and so is tumblr, facebook, insta, twitter, or whatever else you use. STAY AWAY FROM THEM. they are the DEVIL and the biggest killers of productivity. turn your phone off, or hide it away from your desk, or at the very least, turn it upside down and put don’t disturb on. discipline yourself with your laptop so you won’t go on these sites. it’s really important, because you’ll lose your focus and forget where you were and then you won’t be able to get back into it as easily. if you’re on a roll, stay on a roll!!

most importantly, don’t panic!!!!!! easier said than done, i know. and i know how it feels to stress and i know how it affects everything, but it’s really important. just take a minute. breathe. then get back to it. good luck, friend!!!

edit: one last point to make is that self-care is really important. take time to shower. you'll feel better. get into comfy clothes. you'll feel better. you are allowed to take time for yourself.

#out.#if anyone has anything to add be my guest but these are the things i found work for me...#anonymous

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