#im gonna do what i can but i know i cant do enough as just a singular individual with low social impact and not a lot of money
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mini update yay-
so lets see, ill start off apologizing for being dead- exam season is around the corner and the only good thing about that will be that i will no longer have to teach or design papers- so i can probably draw a bit again, hopefully at least- so i WILL get back to the requests yall have sent me i promise uwu💕
tho bad news comes in the form of my school principles and viceprinciples bullying me because im a newbie, saying im not good at my job and putting their shortcomings as my fault because who wouldnt like to blame someone else for something they werent able to do- and i feel like the abuse im taking in this toxic environment is convincing me slowly to quit my job and start risking less stable jobs even if it means being my daddies little house girl again for a while. 🙄 at the very least even if im leaching off my parents i still actually HAVE somewhat decent parents and thats not something alot of people could say and im greatful for that.
the audacity was well shown when the principle went on the teachers meeting and was like "some of the teachers here who i will not name dont know how to do their job-" and then told me that i only got my job cuz my dad is rich [which yeah sure my daddy studied 4 years of uni and then credited me sure mmhmm makes sense.] and honestly i feel like im surrounded by 50 year old toddlers-
overall, learning to adult is difficult and im glad some people are helping me figure out how to put together a resume and apply for jobs and all that.... but i guess the next bad news comes in the form of us leaving for russia. i dont hate seeing other countries but having my life uprooted immediately after work ends and summer starts and selling off the car and putting stuff in boxes and yeeting ourselves via plane to live somewhere else for the next 4 years in pure isolation is not something my mental health is gonna be haha about. esp since im gonna have to talk to my therapist and doctor to give me enough meds for me to be able to search for another doctor while im there to give me similar treatment. ughhhhhhh.
overall i feel like i have reached a lovely level of ✨️no longer giving a shit about existance✨️ and thanks to some friends i was convinced juuuuust enough to reconsider ending myself :) in my defense, google was getting annoying for only bringing up hotlines =_=
my eyes cant see well anymore due to constant crying and emotional numbness has taken over me, so i apologize if i may seem out of it or a lil blunt at times when im talking lol i no longer have the energy to PRETEND and hold a mask to seem SOCIALLY appropriate and in this last month of school im gonna be making it everyone elses problem at school.
but other than that im looking forward for school ending so i could just sleep for a while without waking up BEFORE my alarms at 5am.
ok lets see what else uhh... my bday is on 19th and i pray to lord nobody makes a surprise party for me here, the anxiety of being in crowds is already kicking me in the ass im not ready to pretend to have a social battery ugh.
okay thats it mostly, i think.
i actually made this update MINI get it? :D
...ill show myself out...
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Book 7 JP spoilers (recent-est i think)
(recently found out how to do keep reading bits.)
i. have been told what happened
you know this groovy with him crying
i know context now
and
oh my god
my. heart. ughUISHfdi rOOOOK.
(m gonna be honest rook was never my favorite and i honestly didnt know how to feel about him. [to be fair i hated sebek at one point but now im like a huge sebek fan so.] but i think when this gets onto EN and i play through it im just gonna be a huge rook fan man.)
like
okay
so i know what happens in the story
(also i love this so much this is now in my mind, rook's actual room pre-nrc [except vil's not in an RSA uniform LMFAO. actually if it was PRE-NRC i dont think either of them would have enrolled at a school yet, unless neige is older than vil, or unless RSA doesnt do the same enrollment ages or whatever like NRC)
ACTUALLY SCRATCH THAT NEIGE IS IN HIS 2ND YEAR???
??????? people notice so much oh my god..
wait....
actually do you think neige joined a school because he saw vil join one?? cause. i think he really idolizes vil.
(actually kind of makes me think of cheka idolizing leona)
huh. random thought.
i mean i only know a summary of it (im fine with spoilers ngl and i dont care even if you shove like a fully translated post of the entire chapters and stuff.. i just like seeing story that i dont mind rereading)
but like man. its gonna break me when we're there for that moment. (in EN)
i
dont want to say anything in case there's an EN person here. and i mean if they're spoiling themselves all the more power to them but i also feel like its one of those things that are a LOT more impactful when you encounter it for the first time so im just. not gonna try to learn more about it and wait. (although its like. JP is in Part 8 i think, we're in Part 4??? that seems so far away sob. but also we gotta finish lilia's dream first so...)
im just. sadge. (also idk what vil's dream is but i think we end up seeing it. unless it was actually a render of him from rook's dream, which i wouldnt think is too far off. but also--)
THIS IS APPARENTLY CANON?
I SAW IT AND I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE BUT THEN I RAN INTO IT AGAIN??? and its like. LISTEN. he looks so goofy i cant... epel. i love you. but oh my god (i cant take you seriously im SORRY im DEAD)
also he's still in pomefiore which is cool (he accepted his cuteness! although i dont know how much of a weapon his cuteness would have now..?. you think he snaps out of it cause ppl might laugh at him [and then he beats them up] but he still gets irritated cause what the heck im not cute anymore--- [..wait. i was never cute. what am i on about.] ...i keep overusing the word cute and i know he wouldnt use it himself but i have a very small vocabulary.)
im just.
i dont know how to feel about this ??? (it feels more cursed than hatless rook. i can at least pretend he isnt hatless. but like. epel..)
also vil in rsa /neg /hj (the rsa uniform looks so bland and i like him in darker colors)
okay im gonna be honest i have a dislike against RSA. and thats honestly because im petty and hold grudges.
also i like my villain boys and i just want them to win (..yknow. i really dont think GloMas counts when the RSA boys were actually nice enough to like. ..take hits for them??? and then we were planning on leaving them like LMFAO 'not my problem')
so yeah.
actually wait if rooks dream takes place in VDC how the fuck
WHO IS NRC TRIBE????
CAUSE VIL'S IN RSA WITH NEIGE?? HELLO??? WHAT.
WE'RE NOT WINNING WHAT THE HELL
(unless our role in the dream is to drop a jawdropping performance [idfk do we have diasomnia boys minus lilia(? i honestly dont know how lilia's dream ends and if he joins us) and malleus???)
but listen. if vils the best. and neige is the best.
we're so. not winning..? (i was going to ask if it was gonna be like rook this time voting for NRC and thats how we win. but like. HELL no are we gonna have it be split 50/50 again like that)
anyway i am still very excited and so pumped and oh my god fhsuihe
i find it so funny that at the start of the post i was so crushed like 'oh my god...' cause angst and then here i am doing a complete 180
EDIT: hold on. i didnt think to think about it but now that we know what his room looks like
thats his bed. you can see the neige part. and that thing he's holding onto is like the movie poster (or i assume its a movie poster) with vil and neige
ngl i saw some people linking it up to like the hunter crying on snow white's dress
which. i never saw this movie so like (i dont even want to know what happened but also these movies are OLD. also in like sleeping beauty?? i saw the animated of once upon a dream or something like that and mans just comes up to her out of nowhere. no warning and holds her and sings and im just like brUH if you did that id fucking hit you like WHAT???)
also i just noticed his muscles goddamn.
#thoughts#twst jp spoilers#twst jp#twisted wonderland#twst wonderland#twst book 7#twst book 7 spoilers#pomefiore#rook hunt#vil schoenheit#epel felmier
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RAY YOU SHOULD DO ONE W ELLIE, WHERE YOU AND ELLIE ARE STEP SISTERS AND YOU LIKE HER A LOT, BUT YOU DONT WANT HER TO KNOW THAT, BUT ONE NIGHT SHE GETS HOME DRUNK AND YOU HELP HER GO TO BED, BUT SHE STARTS KISSING YOU AND IN THE MORNING YOU ARE LAYING IN HER BED NAKED, BUT SHE SAYS THAT THIS THING CAN NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN, BUT SHE CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND YOU TWO SECRETLY START DATING, i hope this is too dirty😊😊
step sister!ellie x fem!reader
Im gonna change some things about this to make it more of a drabble :)
cw: wlw, fluff with plot, mentions of alcohol, light vulgar language, secret rs, step sister trope (non biological).
I planned on making this longer than it is but I decided it being shorter just made it better.
♡
'fuck..' ellie groaned, her tone quivering ss she stumbled through the door. her feet dragging on the floor boards lightly. you leaned up on the couch, rubbing your eyes as your nostrils flared. 'els?' your eyes turned their gaze onto her, your pupils slightly growing. 'oh my god..' a sigh escaped your lips as you got up, lifting yourself up off of the couch. a whiny mewl slipped out of ellie's lips as she guided her coat off, stretching her arms out. 'are you okay?' your eyebrows scrunched, looking up at ellie as you helped her take sit down on the couch.
'mmhm..' she murmured, leaning back on the couch as her arms guided up to behind her head. she exhaled a deep breath, pulling a hand out to her nose, scrunching her eyes as she rubbed her face. you studied her, your gaze softening, 'were you at the bar again, ellie?' your tone was gentle as you put a hand on her spine, guiding your hand up and down in a comforting manner. 'yuurrrp..' her words slurred drastically, yet her voice was smooth.
another sigh choked out of your throat, you pulled your hand back and sat up. 'okay we gotta get you to bed..' you gripped her hand, attempting to pull her up before failing miserably. you whined, looking at her with an annoyed scowl. 'ellie, c'monnn..' you groaned, trying to pull her up again.
'mmggh fine..' she grabbed your hands, pulling herself up with your help. you gently held on to her, guiding her into her bedroom. 'you reek..' you giggled 'what did you drink?' you helped her onto her bed, looking at her with a curious smile. 'just some rum..' she hummed, her voice cracking while she laid back onto her bed, stretching out her limbs as she got comfortable.
a gentle giggle escaping your throat, 'just some, huh?' you teased, getting a chuckle out of her. 'too much..' she said, making it almost sound like a complaint, you laughed, pulling a blanket over her in a silly playful manner.
'mph, c'mere.' she whispered, her gaze resting on you as she patted the spot next to her on the bed. 'ooh sleepover time?' a silly smile growing on your pretty lips, you climbed onto the bed, leaning your back onto the wall. she leaned over, resting her head on your shoulder. 'don't leave me..' she said, her voice low as she shut her eyes, you smiled. 'I guess it's a sleepover then...'
she chuckled, her nose nuzzling into your collarbone, "mmhm..' she hummed, whipping her head back slightly, just enough to rest her gaze on you.
her eyes turned their focus to your lips, her gaze switching back between the both of your gorgeous features. 'you're staring, els..' you mumbled, looking over at her with a gentle smile. she nodded, 'I know..' her words slurred again, but this time they were clearer. she leaned in, her teeth biting down on the skin of her lips, the tension was deep, strong enough to be cut by a knife.
her tongue darted out of her mouth, lightly coating her lips with her saliva before she put her hand on yours. her other hand guiding up your neck before resting above your collarbone, she pulled you in slightly, pushing her lips against yours.
the way her lips gliding against yours was intoxicating, it felt so wrong yet so right.
she pulled pack, looking at your face, almost like she was studying you. her eyebrows scrunched, the way she looked at you made you get the butterflies. she smiled at you lightly before nuzzling her face into your neck.
(sorry that this is 1. short and 2. not very much like the request but I don't really like writing step sister tropes so that's why I made it only a kiss. but I do love the request and just letting anyone know I'd love to take requests rn cuz of writers block and lack of creativity, and I'll try my hardest to post fics daily. thank you for over 500 likes after only just starting this account, I love all of you<3)
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the doctor isnt neurodivergent or autistic or adhd or nonbinary or genderqueer or asexual. what the doctor is, is Not From Here
#which necessarily of course says something abt their (non)whiteness#(i had all these words in quotation marks first so mentally add those to whiteness too)#but we've them be black for all of 1.5 episode now so#lets see how that develops you know#also i dont think i understand the politics of that part well enough to say much abt it#not that i probably understand the politics of these parts better but#im annoyed enough abt this Thing happening these years. in these 20s i guess. the 'representation' thing#to complain abt it anyway#the dsm isnt real and it isnt gonna fuck you buddy#maybe i'll read some books and then one day i'll write an essay driven by spite and pettiness#i wonder if i can make the thesis statement about the tension between their status of main character#in a 60 year running family adventure show vs this therapy thing we're doing now#like. you cant do that. in terms of like. what story is and does. what a character is and does. it strains#in an interesting way. like im not saying they Shouldnt have done it. im just observing. that you cant do that really. i think#or maybe you can! but i'll find that out#i also dont know shit abt narratology or whatever so. need to read books first. sigh#always have to pause my thoughts to read myself in first its so annoying. esp bc i rarely really do#bc then new thoughts new things to do you cant do EVERYTHING. you can do almost nothing. bane of my existence really#but like you might even be able to say smth interesting here about whether you can call them traumatised at all#remember that article i saw around on tumblr a few years ago i think that was abt like. some scholar in the middle east maybe#saying that ptsd is a western thing bc it necessitates a Post#all of this is western. psychiatry is western. its all stories. how you conceptualise trauma is a story#whos Other is story#where youre from is a story what you stand for is a story who you are is a story#ah. checked the article. dr samah jabr. palestinian. i'll start with her book maybe
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ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back
it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it
#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly#i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep#bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking#and i dont want either of them to get poisoned#but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink#but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me#and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin#im very good at fucking myself over in various ways!#if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently#what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry#except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything#sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible#if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way#from a Distance!#absolutely unprompted#i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders#they scare me So much....#the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big!#i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there#but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside#so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider.#life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with#no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk#im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!
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NOW I HEAR YOUR VOICE EVERYTIME THAT I THINK I’M NOT ENOUGH
#but literally like#that’s exactly what happens now#AND I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TIME YOU’RE A LITTLE FUCKING SORRY#LIKE???? is there NO guilt?!?! i have to live with the grief and you get to be fucking happy#‘i deserved to move on’ ‘you think it was easy to move on’ IDGAF you still moved on??????#YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CAN’T CALL ME BACK#the FUCK happened to loving me always????????? through thick and thin???? i never stopped fucking loving you despite what i was going thru!!#all i feel now is fucking shame and disgust for myself because didn’t i fucking say?????? didn’t i fucking say you were gonna leave me again#and you swore you never would again!! then wtf happened!!!#you couldn’t handle my trust issues with you and i just know you hated me for not getting over them#i literally can never trust anyone ever again i am never trusting anybody with my fucking heart again EVER i can’t do it anymore#AND I JUST CANT IMAGINE HOW YOU COULD BE SO OKAY NOW THAT IM GONE#literally you’re fucking okay and in fucking LOVE with SOMEONE ELSE i am literally fucking NOTHING to you anymore#you always have and will ALWAYS find love in and with someone else and i never will again#the possibility of being with someone again literally disgusts me i am not doing it ever again#‘you’ll find someone else eventually’ i am NOT like YOU who always finds someone else i literally have NEVER found anyone else since you#i am literally and have never been enough and you don’t care#v#belle speaks
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bye bela :(
#she doesnt come back in liams run sadly ;;#i can never get her approval quite high enough oops#(tbf tho im not making a Huge Effort since thats how it happened the first time and its a replay run anyways)#laya plays dragon age#liam for his part is. so so pissed rn#what the FUCK isabla what do you MEAN you need that relic???#like. what. you would trade having one guy off your back for having THE QUNARI hunting you down????#he is. VERY goddamn angry in that qunari compound. at isabela but also just in general at Everything#that being said he still cant bring himself to tell the arishok that isabela has the tome#in part out of spite towards the arishok but also bc he genuinely doesnt know if the relic was there and/or if bela has it now#and if it wasnt then isabela might get hunted and killed for nothing#and if she does have it? well theyre gonna find out soon enough#stop fucking acting like this is all his fault somehow#if it were for him once the qunari attack he'd frantically gather up his friends and gamlen and evacuate somewhere safe#he does NOT want to be in the arishoks line of sight when he goes on a rampage#(hah. we all know how that works out LOL)
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aughhhh (clutches my cursed eye.)
#Sorry to vent on tumblr but i have nowhere else to talk right now:#i was doing so good in school but ive taken a steep decline and it feels like everything is Over and i'm failing. its literally just three#classes. all i can do all day is cry and stare at the wall and i dont feel like anything really at anything i do. i dont know what to do an#its killing me. Im gonna do something that lands me on national television. im in pain all day and have a migraine every day and when i don#im busy sobbing the rest of the time. i know its just because its that time of the year but that doesnt really help me at all. im trying my#hardest and it still isnt enough. Wat am i supposed to do. Theyre putting me down tomorrow.#i have not felt this bad in a while and its not Nice and I Dont Like it and I cant pull myself up. i cry as soon as i wake up. Who is#putting me through some matt murdock depressive episode simulator.#i need help but theres nothing anyone can help with and i dont want to be here*#*here meaning the state i live in.#i am so Alone here.#i feel little and stupid
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me, every night for the past three weeks: oh im feelin good rn! and i had a good day today!! im definitely not gonna lie awake filled with anxiety and dread over my future tonight :D
me, lying in bed 20 minutes later looping famous last words: by talos this cant be happening
#its like im fine literally all day qnd then i start to get ready for bed and the Dread sets in#like its an actual physical feeling in my stomach and i just suddenly out of nowhere have to hold myself back from crying#i literally go from perfectly happy to on the verge of tears in an INSTANT and idk whats causing uty#it#like i know broadly ehat the causes are but idk whats causing the specific switch at night#am i tired?? is it just bc im tired??? bc its not consistently at the same time and most of the time i dont *feel* tired#or is it just like. i knoe im going to bed so i know im gonna be alone with my thoughts and so they all come and hit me at once???#idk idk idk i just know i hate it and i want it to stop i want everything to fucking stop#id say i need a minute to breathe but really ive been using the past four months as my minute to breathe & thats part of the fucking problem#because ive been putting this all off for so long bc its so overwhelming but now theres so much igotta do and theres real tangible deadlines#so i cant keep putting it off but i DO and its just making it all even more overwhelming and my parents arent fucking helping#but its not even their fault because im chosing not to talk to them about this bc talking to them about it makes it all real#and i dont want it to be real yet im not fucking ready for it to be real yet i just need a goddamn minute TO FUCKING BREATHE#i wish i could freeze time and just give myself a day where none of this matters#actually a days not long enough i think i need like. two weeks. two weeks for me to get my shit together where none of this bullshit exists#and i can just do whatever i want and not have to think about deadlines and decisions and the fact that this is all ive wanted since the#7th fucking grade and now that its actually here i cant fucking stomach the thought of it being real because im a goddamn coward who cant#fucking commit to anything or get themself to DO anything and i know its not really my fault bc i probably have adhd and i get#knocked off my ass with a migraine every ither fucking day but i still feel like i should be more prepared for this than i am#and im not prepared and im not ready and i cant get myself ready because i cant do things like this myself because i dont really want to be#doing them at all#like sure! the bitch can write a 400+ page fanfiction no fucking problem!! they can find time for that but a college essay?? even finding#schools to apply too???? dont be fucking ridiculous they cant even get half an app done in the time it takes them to write a two 6k chapters#delete later
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Asks abt my ocs pspspssppspspsps fuckin pspspspspspspspspspsps
#even just tell me what you think of them plewaaaase#i need it for motivation to work on oc stuff#i am TRYING to work up to makinb comics#baby steps bc i cant for the life of me get into it yet i dont know why im just procrastinating#i thinkni feel like i dont have any good ideas for comic format even thougg i do and a comic can be anything. but i just dont know how to go#abt it#im just OUGH#idk how to do anything ever but im gonna gotdamn try once i hype myself up enough
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theres no better place for my ichi ringtone to go off than during my exam tbh
#snap chats#i DO NOT want to talk about my exam <- is gonna talk about it#i get bad physiological reactions to tests itd be hilarious if it wasnt annoying#i hate taking tests cause ill know the answers 100% but then i go to take the official test and i 👁️👁️ i forget literally everything#LIKE AS IM FILLING IN THE ANSWERS I KNOW ITS WRONG BUT MY BRAIN JUTS REFUSES TO PUT THE RIGHT ONE#I REMEMBER THE INFO I JUST CANT PUT THEM IN THE RIGHT SPOTS I GET SO NERVOUS AND FOR WHAT i hate tests.#theres nothing i can do tests have been my bane for years and ill just have to live with my educators thinking im stupid <- i am#anyway. during my exam yeah. quiet-ass room and then you hear my dork-ass ringtone go off like HELP I WAS JUST 👁️👁️#now the whole classroom knows youre a dweeb. jk no one at my school knows rgg its fine#anyway im upset and im fighting every demon telling me to go to the bar and get a drink#NO. BAD SNAP. BAD COPING MECHANISM. YOU ALSO HAVE NO MONEY ENOUGH#i have my last class of the day in twenty minutes i wanna curl up in a ball instead but thats not how life works now is it so BYE#wait can i talk bout my morning cause it was goofy#i called up my doc to get my DRUGS refilled and she was lookin over my doc like#'my man you have too much testosterone' My Sister In Christ No The Fuck I Don't LMAO if i hear one more 'sorry ma'am' i just might lose it#funny world innit.. ok my class starting soon thats all i wanted to share LMAO BYE
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i think i might just have to give up and leave this school
#like i dont really want to i dont#i have friends there and if i drop out i have no idea whats gonna happen#and i dont want to stop seeing everyone#but im just so bad at this#i just dont fit in this place i dont have a brain that can come up with this stuff#i cant do abstract thinking im not good at any philosophy or anything#im not even that good at drawing tbh#but i wanted it to work out so bad#but i dont think im just good enough to do this i cant do it i cant come up with stuff i cant make contemporary art or whatever they want#from me#i really wanted to be in this school#i have no other aspirations from art#like whats even left for me and now im bed even at that#i know everyone wonders how i even got in#someone in my group even suggested i should drop out hah#but i cant do it because i literally have nothing else i dont want to do anything else#i dont want to go to work yet i dont want to leave my friends at this school#but i cant even pass this year because i cant do these things they ask from me i im not good enough for it#i cant come up with anything ever#i guess i should just stick to drawing fanart as my hobby and do something else but theres nothing else im good at or im even willing to do#idk man i dont know what to do#i dont want to drop out#but i dont know how to push harder i dont think i can do it by just trying harder i think im just inherently bad at this#oh god okay im gonna shut up now i just needed to get this out bc im scared to talk about this to anyone#if i even mention this to my parents they either yell at me or react with just the worst apathy you can imagine#so i guess they dont really care they just want me gone or to do something with myself but im really just kind of useless#i feel like i dug a grave for myself here and its been like 13 years in the making you know#and none of them will help me they just tell me to do it and be done with it and i ask for help and they dont#ok now im really shutting up
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is it the covid or the period or the stress or the overwhelming anxiety abt the future or the economy or the autism or th
#i feel like my brain is leaking out of my ears#every interaction i have leaves me feeling jaded. i cant remember anything and i can barely take care of myself#im turning 23 in less than a month#what am i doing with my life#no job offers no savings#incredible amounts of debt for what. a degree i wont use? a degree that wont get me a job?#if i even manage to get it. im so close to graduation but im so tired#i dont know if i can scrounge up enough points to qualify for a degree because im going to fail the course im taking rn#and i feel awful about talking about it because i feel like i disappoint both myself and my family#and i swing between feeling so hopeless to just angry and i dont want to feel angry anymore#sorry anyways im gonna try to sleep again#shush nono shush
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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you ever hate on something you've never played/watched/read for what are still moderately good reasons given the circumstances, and then decide to go and play/watch/read the thing just to be fair. just to give it a chance
and then you were not only Right but its Worse Somehow and you're actually just more pissed off now
#liz blogs#vocaloid#this post is about project se\\kai. what a garbage ass replacement of project diva oh my god#i dont care about any of these random ass teenagers why does my vocaloid game have all these other guys in it#why are there 238928934 currencies why does it take so long to unlock new songs its just all too much and so convoluted#i wanted a rhythm game not a rhythm game that takes a backseat to visual novel and gacha game and watch 3298 ads#GET THIS OTHER BULLSHIT OUTTA HERE#i thought rhythm game on a touchscreen was a bad enough idea but i wanted to be FAIR because project diva doesnt get updated anymore#even though that was THE vocaloid game for a fucking decade and they replaced it with hot flaming dogshit oh my god#its just every other fucking mobile game im gonna start biting people#im in my Hater Year but i'm actually fucking right about everything aaaAAAAAAAAA#and look. i didn't play it for too long because it was just too fucking annoying and overwhelming. but it seems like you can only#play x amount of songs in a day before you run out of energy. which you need to Buy#you get more when you level up! it recharges! but it seems that it takes longer and longer to do that#thts the only Complaint i have that i cant actually verify because i would need to play longer and i am Not doing that#but if im right. thats the biggest load of shit of all#just go back to making project diva games. let me pay for the game so i can play interrupted without all this other BS in my face#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#the like... two little visual novel bits i saw that Just had vocaloids in them were cute. i will be real with u. but who are these like#six teams of random ass teenagers i dont know and dont care about. why did u put non vocaloids in da vocaloid game. are you nuts#maybe i just need to figure out how to mod project diva cuz at this point lord knows theyre not doing anything else with it#if you wanted to have other characters sega do u know how many Other vocaloids there are. you didnt have to invent random boring teenagers#pullin a fuckin transformers and backseating your Title Characters to a bunch of random ass humans im not here for#except you charlie watson from bumblebee i love you mwah
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my mom asking me why the gay website case had to be taken to the supreme court because ‘why couldnt they just go somewhere else’ and ‘what about the reverse? what about the one where they refused to make a cake with the confederate flag on it?’ i need to jump out of this fucking car and just let you run me over
#you know how thats different right. ‘its his heritage!’ bitch it didnt last long enough to be one generations heritage and it damn well isnt#being used like that now. you fucking know what its being used for. you just cant fucking bear to let anything in society progress you have#to have a thousand whatifisms#i was like okay. so civil rights movement. if a black person wants to eat in a restaurant and it wants them to leave because theyre black.#would you say the same thing? that they can just go to a black restaurant instead?#‘well they could because whos to say that if the restaurant is forced to serve them that they wouldnt spit in their food or something’#THAT IS NOT THE POINT. DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH THAT ISNT THE POINT? IM GONNA KILL MYSELF
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