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obae-me · 4 years

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Hi! If your inbox is open, I'd like to request a scenario with all (or any) of the demon brothers, + undatables reacting to a blind MC? Like, none of them expected to have a blind human and Devildom and they have to revamp everything to make it as safe for MC as possible. Can be she/her or they/them pronouns for MC. Bonus points if MC is extremely talkative and won't shut up lmao. Thank you!

I’m still learning how I best want to write the Undateables, so I’m sorry if they’re a bit lacking. This was really wholesome to write, thank you for your request! 💜

Lucifer

When first summoned down to the Devildom, MC looked more disoriented than he would’ve expected. “Where am I? Who are you guys?” They hadn’t managed to look at Diavolo yet, even while he was speaking to them. They already put him in a bad mood.

“Didn’t you learn its bad manners to ignore the people that are talking to you? Look at Lord Diavolo while he’s speaking.” Lucifer growled, leaving MC with an exasperated expression.

“I’m BLIND.”

Error.

They were blind?? Humans were so fragile that they could just lose their eyesight?? Permanently?! He’s already got several new grey hairs. He’d have to entirely change up the house, he’d need to have someone with them at all times. How would they read? How would they get school work done?

MC has to explain to him that they’ve been this way for a long time, so they can handle themselves. They’ll have to tell him about things they use to help them out, like a cane for starters. They’ll tell him later how they best do schoolwork, but he’s already busy contacting someone about a cane.

It doesn’t matter what MC says, he now feels obligated to keep them under his watch as much as possible. He’s responsible for keeping them safe after all, and he can’t feel relaxed until he can confirm that they’re okay.

Although he did find out that MC was as talkative and feisty as a human could be. If things went too quiet they’d quickly fill up the empty space with chatter. Not to mention anytime he, or any demon for that matter, went into demon form, the intimidation factor was lost. MC never budged. They didn’t mind standing up to him, which annoyed him greatly, but absolutely blew his mind. How such a tiny human, who didn’t have a major part of functioning, could easily stand up to a demon was beyond him.

When MC first asked if it was okay to ‘see’ him, he had no idea what they meant, but was curious to see where it would lead. He wasn’t aware that MC knew any magic. He didn’t expect MC to come over and gently touch his face, running their fingers gingerly over his features. MC politely asked if he could show his true self, and he agreed. MC drifted their way up to his horns, feeling the texture and shape. They had an expression of awe on their face, probably because they now knew that it was real, he wasn’t human. They struggled to find these supposed wings of his, and with one of his gloved hands, Lucifer took their wrist and guided MC along. They made a little gasp as the feathers brushed against their skin.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen, his demon form was supposed to strike shock and fear into people. He was supposed to be respected. He was supposed to be above this. So how was it he was sitting here, MC running their hands all over him, and he was the one who was shocked and speechless. He hated how MC had lost their eyesight, but in this one moment he was grateful that they couldn’t see his reddened face with such an embarrassing expression plastered over it.

Mammon

“What do you mean they can’t see? It’s not that dark in the Devildom. Oi, human, just open your eyes, don’t you know how seeing works?!...Oh...Oooh...”

He had a less than grand first impression when he first met MC, and to be honest, it kept getting worse before it got better. He didn’t know when to shut his mouth. He tried asking Lucifer if they could get a different human, one that wasn’t broken. He must’ve somehow thought that whispering from only about a foot away would keep MC from hearing him.

He didn’t get a different human, he was stuck with them, and he was going to receive a particularly severe punishment that night for how poorly he treated MC. He was in a bad mood, not to mention out of his mind with panic.

“I don’t know what to do with people who can’t see? Can we fix ya? Surely there’s some magic here that’ll make you good as new!”

He tried spells, he tried potions, he even paid a fortune to one of the Devildom’s best doctors. None of his antics worked, and out of all the brothers, Mammon took the longest to process that this was how MC was. It was a part of them. They would be like this forever.

He’ll stay by their side constantly, escorting them by the arm and hand, talking their ear off about this and that to keep them distracted. It causes MC to laugh about it every time. Who needs a seeing eye dog when you’ve got a wonderfully trained seeing eye Mammon. Sometimes he would even pick them up to go up and down stairs if he felt they would be too dangerous.

Anytime they’re at any sort of store, MC will have to touch almost everything, and if their hands brush across anything they like, even if only for it’s tactile nature, Mammon will buy it for them at the drop of a hat. It’ll drive Lucifer a bit crazy over the fact that MC won’t ever have a need for most of the things Mammon buys, but he’ll not bother them about it if he sees it makes MC happy even just to hold it.

MC is super talkative, but it’s typically just to fill empty dark space and make things seem more comfortable, but when they’re with Mammon, they don’t need to say a word. He does all the talking, and MC’s grown accustomed to the sound of his voice. It’s so different from his other brothers, the mannerisms he uses and the slight accent to it. Mammon still doesn’t realize that, for this reason, MC can single him out among the crowds at RAD, or how Mammon can never seem to sneak up on them. MC loves how loud he is. No matter how quiet he tries being, MC can always pick him out of the darkness, for them, he’s always there. Mammon will never say it, but he loves how his human knows him apart from everyone else.

Levi

“Huh, so you don’t watch anime, what a typical normie.”

“I actually can’t watch anything, just for your information.”

Fatality.

He knows the concept of blindness from anime and manga, but it almost seemed as foreign to him as magic seemed to MC. Typically in the stories he saw, it was never permanent, always the cause of some curse or spell or even a fight! MC had gone through none of that, it was what it was.

He almost found it relaxing for a moment, because he felt a bit more confident in himself. MC couldn’t see what an ugly shut-in looked like. However, his moods were quickly dashed when MC tripped over an empty can he had lying on the floor. He caught them from falling but quickly went into a state of despair. He was a dirty trashy shut-in. Lucifer would later find that Levi now had his room clean of trash at all times, his floor spotless.

Levi would absolutely cry, and I mean cry, over the fact that MC would never be able to fully enjoy anime or manga or video games. They could maybe enjoy some Dubbed shows but it wouldn’t be the same. If MC hangs out with him, Levi will give them the full commentator experience. He’ll explain what’s going on in his games or shows in hopes MC can still enjoy his favorite form of entertainment.

The first time in his Demon form, MC stepped on his tail in attempt to get to his wings. He yelped in shock. MC was vastly confused. What was that? Where was his wings? Lucifer and Mammon had wings so where were his? He hated being compared to them like that. He couldn’t fly, he couldn’t look nearly as intimidating. No he didn’t have wings, he just has this clunky ugly tail. MC grabbed his tail, making him turn bright red. They ran their fingers over his scales, petting it, pulling it out to see how long it was. MC endlessly talked about how cool it was, and how it felt amazing to touch. Lucifer and Mammon didn’t have a tail. Levi never felt envious of not having wings ever again.

Satan

He can’t believe his brothers didn’t know that humans were capable of being blind. They were extremely fragile creatures but somehow were heartier and more stubborn than they looked, capable of thriving despite everything they go through.

He didn’t know everything about being blind, since it never seemed to come up often enough for him to need to learn about. So you can bet that in just the first few days MC was there, he thoroughly studied up on anything he thought would help him.

He was surprised to find that there was a form of reading available for people who had lost their sight. He had never heard about Braille before this. As a demon who wanted to learn as many languages and reading forms as possible, he was angry he missed something like this.

He wasn’t as angry, however, when MC offered to help teach him how to read Braille if he helped them with their schoolwork and studies. The Devildom school was surprisingly accommodating but until Diavolo and Lucifer finished sorting things out, they couldn’t read any of their schoolwork.

He usually preferred silence, but he didn’t mind when MC would come in his room and feel comfortable enough to talk in detail everything that had happened that day. In return, he liked when MC would listen intently as his narrating voice filled up the room while he would read his favorite stories to them. He loved the way their face would crinkle when he’d attempt to voice a particular character. They put their hand on his chest and would beg him to do it again with a laugh. He’d attempt the line again, MC feeling the deep rumble in his chest. Reading would now not be the same without them.

The more he got to know them, the more the heat in his chest over their blank non-focused eyes grew hotter. How could they not see? How could someone like them be deprived of something like that? He couldn’t show them art, photographs, the beauty of the Devildom’s stars. MC assured him that it was alright, anytime they wanted to know what something looked like, they would ask him. Anything he described sounded like poetry. With him around, his words would be enough.

Asmo

Blind, as in they couldn’t see anything, see him?! His radiant shine? His picture perfect features? His allure? They wouldn’t see any of that? He was astounded. He was upset. He was dramatically depressed. He got over it pretty quickly, though, he’s very attractive yes, but all of his other qualities were just as attractive.

He’ll help tweak their uniform, he’ll buy them clothes that not only feel amazing, but look amazing. If touch is important to them, he’ll get them lotions, skincare products, anything they wanted to keep them well taken care of. Their hands will never worry about being dry.

He loves when MC touches his face to know what he looks like. He’ll use this as an excuse. “How do you know it’s Asmo? I might have put a spell on my voice, double check.” He’ll put his hands over theirs while they amuse him and feel the details on his face down to the bridge of his nose.

One particularly pleasant evening for Asmo, he goes on and on about new clothes he bought, and then brings MC into it.

“Right right? I think it’ll look ravishing on me, the color matches MC’s eyes.” MC smiles and states that they had forgotten their eyes were that color. Asmo sits there for a moment before shrieking, standing up so fast his chair falls over. “You don’t even know what you look like!”

Of course MC had a pretty general idea of what they looked like, but yes he was right for the most part. They didn’t understand why Asmo was so shocked about it. However, Asmo refuses to let this go, and he takes them to his bedroom describing MC down to the bone. He’ll tell them what their eye color reminds him of, the particular way their eyelashes curl, how their complexion looked under the moonlight. He’ll go on and on and on, not realizing that he’s never ever spoke so long about someone else before, so MC lets him continue. They’ve never cared about appearances before, but the way Asmo talks about them makes them cozy on the inside. He made them feel like the most gorgeous thing on earth.

They’ll then change it up, making Asmo close their eyes as they talk about all the things about him that they love. The way the air smells around him when he comes into the room. The way his tone raises up when he’s excited about something. The way his footsteps sound on hard surfaces. They adore how one side of his hair is longer than the other. They love his presence. Asmo is dumbfounded, no one has ever described him in that way before. He’ll melt and might call a doctor for this strange new feeling in his chest.

Beel

They can’t see anything? Can they at least eat?? Well then it’s not the end of the world. If MC had somehow been deprived of taste, he would’ve really been upset. Food doesn’t have to look great to taste great. Still, the fact that they couldn’t see made the Devildom even more dangerous, and he didn’t want anything to happen to them. He couldn’t let anyone get hurt around him, not again.

He’s among the most considerate of the brothers even though he’s not used to being around someone that can’t see. He’s real worried he’ll hurt MC, so he’s always extra careful. He’ll announce that he’s beside them even though they heard his footsteps near them and could feel the heat coming off of his body. He’ll always ask them first if it’s okay to touch them so he can help them out. He’s even extra wary about hugs at first, what if he just...breaks them even more? As time goes by he learns he doesn’t need to walk on eggshells.

He finds it a fun game to let them try to figure out what stuff he made for them before they eat it, more times than not, they figure it out. Then he’ll eat it with them, unnecessarily guiding the fork to their mouth.

If Mammon isn’t by their side, it’s usually Beel who’s next. If he’s not busy with sports or working out, he’ll stick around by MC wherever they want to go. However, it’s usually MC who stays by him whenever he sees something tasty to make sure he doesn’t run off.

MC knew he worked out, but had always envisioned him to be like a big teddy bear. It wasn’t until MC asked to feel him until they understood just how strong Beel was. Under his soft clothes, they felt his tough muscles. He was built like a brick, no matter where they felt him, his arms, his sides, he was completely different than they had expected. His face was soft at least. His hair fun to play with. In his demon form adored touching his horns, exclaiming that they were perfect for fitting doughnuts. He didn’t need to know that, now Lucifer’s going to have to question why in the world Beel has doughnuts stacked on his horns. His wings felt silky and surprisingly fragile despite how strong he felt everywhere else. They were sure they weren’t as weak as they felt, but it let MC know that Beel was still soft. MC couldn’t stop gawking over how big and strong Beel was, pretending to punch him in the gut even though they could probably punch him for real and he wouldn’t feel it.

All Beel wanted was to tell MC how strong he thought they were.

Belphie

At first, he couldn’t believe that, somehow, they had chosen someone who couldn’t even see to be a part of the program. He felt like this supported his idea that it was a terrible idea to begin with, but fortunately, he thought, this made it easy for him to manipulate MC’s actions. How guilty this made him feel, afterwards.

He’d stay silent and sneak around MC, feeling that it was best if they didn’t even know he was there. They knew where he was, no matter how hard he tried. They could follow his dragging footsteps as he lazily walked through the house. His sighs and breathing were also very distinguishable.

They didn’t start getting to know each other till MC was wandering through the house, trying to still burn the number of steps in their mind in this massive place. Their cane found a strange obstacle in the middle of the floor, something that wasn’t usually there. They poked it, it was surprisingly soft. They got down on their knees and reached over, feeling cozy clothes and skin. They found a face and traced it over. It wasn’t anyone they had memorized, so it must’ve been Belphie. Made sense that he was the only one crazy enough to sleep in the middle of the floor. They loved how soft he felt, softer than any of his other brothers. Even his hair was like a velvety down you’d find in a pillow.

They knew he had woken up from his nap. The little muscles in his face were twitching, and his breathing was strained. He was trying to pretend he was asleep, but MC just kept going. They traced down his slender arms to his hands. They were free of any callouses or cuts. They took his hand and grasped it firmly in their own.

“I forgive you, you don’t need to avoid me anymore, or pretend that you’re asleep.” They heard his breathing go still, and then he sat up.

“You knew?”

“I’m not as stupid as people think I am. I may not be able to see, but I can still figure things out just fine.” They gently whacked him with their cane. “So I know you’ve been sneaking around me.”

Belphie didn’t think they wanted him around, after everything he’d done. He was still surprised his brothers kept him around at the end of the day. He just sighed. Emotions were exhausting.

MC felt for his waist and then gave him a tight hug. They knew what it meant to be ashamed of you you were, of the things you’d done, but it didn’t matter. They wanted bygones to be bygones, and they wanted to learn about Belphie for who he really was, not what grief had made him out to be.

MC now finds a new lump in their bed every so often. A lump that moans when you lie on it apparently. Naps are pleasant with him around. MC loves sleeping with their hands in his hair.

MC can’t dream, not in the same way other people do, so Belphie does enough dreaming for the both of them. He’ll share stories of rippling meadows and drifting clouds. He’ll make sure they hear all sorts of pleasant things before they fall asleep. He hopes he can make it up to them.

Diavolo

Figuring out MC was blind didn’t come as a shock, he knew they were after all. He wouldn’t choose someone without knowing the important things about them, and having no eyesight definitely checked out as important.

Knowing him, he did this as a test. He was testing out how the brothers would react and if they indeed could keep MC safe. If a blind human could make it through an entire year in the realm of demons, it would be more than a major success for his program.

The more he got to know about MC, the more he grew close to them instead of just treating them like a test subject or a campaign plan. He loved how they weren’t intimidated by him in the slightest, and he also loved how he could spend hours with them, MC talking the entire time. It drove Lucifer wild, but Diavolo found it fascinating and fun.

“Is this what having friends is like? Amazing.”

He’ll have things all set up for them in a matter of days, having whatever accommodations they need to make their school life as easy as possible. Of course, this supposed ‘special treatment’ didn’t go well over demons who opposed the program. Some demons who disapproved didn’t have the courage to defy him directly at first, but now they were starting to scurry out of the sewers like rats. They headed straight over to Diavolo’s new ‘pet’.

They would abuse MC’s lack of sight to mess with them, stealing their things, purposefully knocking them around since they wouldn’t be able to tell who they were, but any demon who thinks Diavolo doesn’t see everything is sadly mistaken. MC tried standing up for themselves, but they could feel a tremendous and overwhelming presence behind them, larger than anything they had felt before. The demons would gasp, and the bullying would stop. Diavolo would put a hand on MC’s shoulder and they’d never be bothered again.

MC knew that this was the Lord of Demons, but they wanted to feel him in his demon form anyway, should he permit. He did permit, and at last MC was able to figure out this terrifying form of his. In his human form he was large, yes, but in demon form he was even bigger, impossibly big. Demonically big. His horns and wings were sharp and decorated in all manner of jewelry. The skin that stretched over bone to serve as his wings were littered with veins, and even just touching them allowed MC to feel the power pumping through them. He was intimidating yes, but after running their hands over his features, they were able to see how beautiful he was in his frightening glory.

Diavolo won’t tell them this, but they’re the only human who has ever laid a hand on him without immediately perishing or being subjected to torment. He’ll let MC do it again too, if they ever ask him.

Barbatos

The fact that he could’ve chosen a timeline where MC wasn’t like this is irrelevant. MC remained relatively the same throughout the different branches, blind or not. He does have control over time but mostly he’ll let time decide for itself, and he’ll take whatever MC the thread of fate decides to give him in this universe. No matter who shows up, he’ll take care of them.

He’s their secret shadow. MC’s working eyes. Diavolo always has him keeping tabs on them, keeping them safe whenever the brothers can’t. MC at first didn’t understand the whisper in the wind that told them to move to the side right before a demon blazed past. They were confused about the phenomenon of something wrapping around their leg to pull them down to the floor before an object whizzed above their head, causing something to explode behind them. It took MC until they finally heard Barbatos’ voice before it clicked.

When they asked to associate a form with that soft voice, he accepted, the normally even and calm tone just slightly more enthusiastic than normal. He had very wide shoulders and strong hands. Serving hands. Hands that felt almost familiar in a funny way, almost like they were hands that had pulled them away from an problem or two. His hair was longer on one side than the other, and they loved that. Even his demon form was intriguing. In every way that Diavolo’s presence boldly screamed, his aura clearly there, Barbatos was subtle. His horns were different than any horns MC had felt thus far. They were slender, bony, like two skeletal hands were reaching around his face to rest just above his forehead. Even his tail was different, splitting off near the bottom to have two controllable ends. He almost scared MC more than Diavolo.

Sometimes MC will talk to themselves alone in their room, filling up the silent space with their voice so it’s not as dark, not as dismal. Occasionally MC will feel like there’s someone there. Like there’s something nodding along with their ramble in the darkness as shadows quietly tidy up their room. MC will find their clothes folded in distinguishable piles. The floor clear of any potential obstacles. Their cane is easily accessible right near their bed.

“Thank you, Barbatos.”

Sometimes the shadow will answer MC back, quietly drifting across the room to touch MC’s cheek before disappearing like a whisper. The darkness doesn’t seem as lonely anymore.

Simeon

He’s definitely going to be the kind of person who says “There must be a reason if God intended it.” MC had heard that throughout their life too many times. Religious or not, they hated when someone took their life and their disability and summed it up to God’s works. Their life was theirs alone, it belonged to no one else. They have a hard time around this angel at first.

Like Barbatos, Simeon can be impossibly quiet, which makes it hard for MC to be able to tell if he’s moving around. The only giveaways are the sounds his cloak makes, the little diamond shaped decor making slight clinking sounds as he moves. It’s melodic in a way, which MC sums up to angelic grace.

He’s not all bad, though. Yes he does believe God has his hands in all things, but that doesn’t mean he pities MC. That he thinks any less of them as a being. It doesn’t mean he’s chalking up their life to a charity case. He’s actually very sweet and fun. He’s one of the only people besides perhaps Solomon who believes MC is stronger than what they seem.

MC will admit sometimes they absolutely love how much the demons coddle and pamper them, but it can get too much too quickly. So sometimes they’ll run off and hang out with Simeon. He treats them like a person, not like a disability, not like a fragile little flower, but...normal.

“Hello, Simeon here...yes, MC is here...stop screaming, they’re fine...we’ve just been talking.”

He’ll let them talk and talk and talk. He’s quiet himself but he loves to hear MC’s voice. How happy they sound when they share stories and discussions and things that happened during their day.

MC can’t get enough of him now, they love hanging around this angel. There’s no sun in the Devildom, but anytime they’re around Simeon, they feel the same rays of warmth the sunshine gives.

Simeon will never call MC ‘human’ sometimes God’s Miracle, sometimes a Godsend, more often than not, a blessing, but never just ‘human’.

Solomon

Yes, MC is blind, and? He doesn’t care what disability they do or do not have, he still finds them intriguing, and they’re his sole human companion in this place, a kindred spirit.

He’s also mischief wrapped in mystery, so he does his best to teach MC some simple spells to make their life a little easier down in the Devildom. Letting things they drop come right back into their hands, giving a shock to anyone who touches them that they don’t know, simple things like that. He did underestimate MC’s power, though. He may or may not have had seven demons at his door the next day when he learned that MC had accidentally dragged all the furniture in the living room towards them at a disturbing pace after they dropped a schoolbook. He did find it very funny, but taught them how to control their powers better.

MC also doesn’t realize how much magic Solomon uses for their benefit. Objects they feel around for sometimes drift towards their hand. They will magically walk over holes in the ground. If any little pesky demon even dares try to mess with them, they’ll find themselves cursed. He knows that MC has nine powerful demons and two angels looking after them, but he does his part.

When he finally does let MC touch his face, they’re disappointed to find that Solomon is very much in control of his expressions. They can’t get a reading off of what he’s feeling at all. They love anytime the brothers can’t help but let their lip quiver or their eyes flutter. Solomon stays blank, maybe letting them feel a smile on his face, nothing more. However, they are pleased to find not even Solomon can control his temperature, they can feel his cheeks get warmer by the second as they caress his face.

They run their hands though his hair and find that touching him gives them a strange sensation. It’s something akin to static, but without the shock. It’s wonderfully addictive and strange. It leaves their fingers tingling and their nerves vibrating.

Because of this sensation, MC has to touch him anytime they meet. Solomon doesn’t mind, in fact he lives for this. He’ll look over MC’s shoulder and give a small smirk to any of the demon brothers standing behind them. The expressions they pull make everything so much better.

Luke

He’s ready to fight every demon in the Devildom when he learns they’re blind. Everything bad comes from demons, so it had to be one of them, not even hours they had been there before they took MC’s sight!

MC had to calm down the small yapping angel and tell them that they had been this way for a very long time. It just happened, it was just life. He has a very hard time dealing with this.

“But you’re so nice and sweet and wonderful, why can’t you see?” Was he crying?

MC has to promise him that it is okay, there’s still plenty to enjoy in their life. Humans don’t have it easy but they learned to move on anyway. He still doesn’t understand how MC’s not an angel. He suddenly shakes off their supporting words because he’s supposed to be the protector, not a human! He swears to protect them no matter what, no demon will stop him!

He loves to hang out with them, making sure they’re away from demons every now and then for the sake of their soul. He makes sure they’ve been treating MC okay. Even if the answer is yes, he doesn’t care what MC says, he cannot trust demons. So he brings MC the sweets he made to make sure they get plenty to eat. (No, he doesn’t know they can’t live off of sweets just yet)

If he lets MC touch his face, MC cannot get over how soft and squishy this little angel is. He’s just as cute as he sounds.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me satan #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me belphie #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me simeon #obey me solomon #obey me luke

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dragynkeep · 3 years

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Man, Ruby looks wayyy better with her head scaled down. I hate that CRWBY didn't use the switch to Maya as an opportunity to fix the girls' proportions. It was easier to ignore in the Poser days but now? That Salem screenshot makes me cringe. "Ayy lmao" lookin-ass.

The models are honestly just so bad.

The heads are too big, the limbs are super skinny, especially on people like Winter, the lack of textures means that everything just looks like same. It means that I got way more work on my hands when editing than usual, especially if I wanna do some body diversity since every RWBY girl has the same hourglass figure with the difference being how big their tits are.

Like Robyn, Harriet, Elm, Camilla and Lil’ Miss Malachite are the only girls to have diverse bodies. Out of a bloated cast made majority of female characters.

#rwby #rwde #answered #luke.txt #Anonymous

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years

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Autistic Magnus headcanons

ok so i got this big submission on autistic magnus which i absolutely love and i ended up breaking it down into parts so i would remember to address it all so uh, here we go. this is long lmao

submission made by @hasenfu

oof this got long lol

before i forget: i always saw Magnus as autistic. (or rather there was a post how Alec is obv autistic but Magnus could be, too?? address that?!?!) so i thought about it and… i guess he’s had longer to adapt and do smaller fidgets, unnoticeable, more healthy -if he allows himself to do such- and other things idk. i took a break of the show+fandom shortly after and never came back to the thought much.

it was mostly being hyposensitive to pressure, which is why he has those tight vests or flowy shirts with heavy necklaces and his array of rings. (definitely a hug person and should own a weighted blanket)

but also, opposed to this, being hypersensitive to touch, so all his shirts and his bedsheets are silk. (weighted blanket can go on top or be a spell)

that truly makes so much sense to me tbh like i’ve always envisioned magnus that way as well, especially the hyposensitive to pressure part. especially considering that at the point of show canon he’s so touch starved? like he’s been keeping away from most people and kinda trying to hide and i think that only added to that. i definitely agree with what you said about the vests/corsets:

you might have a full inbox once this is done lol # idk who figured this out first but one of Magnus/Raphael found out about vests, maybe Magnus wore corsets first (yes even as cis/amab demiman/gnc cis man, people wore corsets because fashion) and then opted for vests. or Raphael wore them first because Business Man and Important Stuff and told Magnus to stop wearing flowy shit with a million necklaces and just wear tight clothing like Proper Human Beings. amazing word count is full again.

(also don’t worry i’m well aware that cis men used to wear corsets lmao i even have an old post about it lying somewhere. not that i envision magnus as a cis man but anyway) and also want to add: tight pants. like the pants he wears are always slim fit and i think that has a lot to do with that too? just feeling grounded by the pressure, like he’s more steady in his steps. especially when he’s wearing the silky shirts and etc because those have barely any pressure (esp the open shirts and stuff. i mean obviously like you said the necklaces help make up for that, but like. it’s not enough imho)

but also just like, nothing is as good as the good olde hugs tbh. i mean obviously the clothes are good and help him function and not have meltdowns or feel overwhelmed (because he’s had a lot of time to prevent having meltdowns, and tbh probably uses unhealthy tactics to avoid that) and he isn’t comfortable with just anyone touching him (we know that very well. also invasion of space not safe invasion of space not safe invasion of space not safe-) but the people he trusts? somehow they always feel right

i love magnus and the immortal squad being into cuddle piles, particularly magnus&raphael (who’s also hyposensitive to pressure, plus he’s a latino immigrant so he’s used to quite a lot of casual touching, but once he got to the US that was suddenly Not Allowed anymore and god that must have fucked him up so much, the cultural shock mixed in with the hyposensitivity and then he lost his whole support network on top of that. like he feels absolutely smothered by the lack of pressure all the time and it makes his skin prickle and he wants to just. scratch it off just to get some relief from the constant feeling of deprivation. and magnus of course feels a similar way, since from what i looked up quickly indonesian people are also used to overcrowded spaces and casual touching, plus again, touch starved)

like they’re both. kind of just functioning with this constant feeling of emptiness all around them, and they can’t really afford to be as touchy as they’d like because they’d be looked down on because of that, especially as downworlders, moc, etc. but when they’re in magnus’ loft and they’re alone? cuddling all the time. constant cuddling. not a single second goes by cuddleless. legs entangled, weight blanket over them, they might switch positions a lot because they might get fidgety - especially magnus, i feel like he needs to stim and etc a lot more than Raphael does - so at one second they’re lying down, the next they’re sitting, raphael is on top of magnus, magnus is on top of raphael, they’re side by side, only their legs are intertwined, raphael is lying across magnus….. it just keeps going and after like years of doing this they just do it effortlessly?

one of my exes called this “dynamic cuddling” cuz yeah he was a huge cuddler but also kinda fidgety and so was i and most of his other partners (i Cannot lie in the same position for a long time which is why im usually not big on cuddling, and also prefer to be the big spoon) and i definitely see it for them. just, every time one of them (again, usually magnus) moves the other moves along and they’re just adjusting to a new position together, instead of the awkward “person A starts to move so person B waits and then they do a little adjustment afterwards” thing. ragnor in particular is appalled (especially since you know, british, so used to No casual touching whatsoever, also he clearly gets overwhelmed easily considering how isolated he lives, oh look at me casually throwing in autistic ragnor lmao i need to calm tf down) at how easily they do it but that’s just years of practice, knowing each other very well, and having very similar sensory issues for you

the one downside is that since they’re too similar they both want to like, be the little spoon diahdsiah so that’s why weighted blanket is a must, even if obviously they switch - magnus is perfect for raphael because he’s bigger and taller so he can envelop him pretty easily and cover like His Whole Back and just really crowd him in the best possible way? obviously that means that raphael being small is not as good for magnus but he can be in like fetal position and hug his knees and have raphael spoon him that way, and there’s the added Compression (?) of that. plus raphael always runs his hands over magnus’ arms particularly and that adds to the good pressure and feeling. he also definitely likes playing with magnus’ hair, which magnus is delighted by (btw it’s a huge sign of closeness in indonesian culture). the scalp is sensitive, okay. it’s perfect

with alec it’s perfect for magnus because i see alec as the opposite, he does not like a lot of pressure and particularly having things on his back (he needs to be able to Move) so he likes being the big spoon. also he’s one of the few ppl who’s taller than magnus and can envelop him perfectly, just like magnus does raphael

also going briefly back to the vests thing, i really like the idea that it was raphael’s suggestion for some reason? i mean i kind of hc that magnus has had a huge influence on raphael’s style, but i also like it as the other way around. i especially like raphael helping magnus out with Autistic Problems™ because like you said magnus has had a lot of time to learn how to cope and hide his traits in order to be taken seriously, but he’s definitely foregone his own comfort in that proccess, and probably has a few coping mechanisms that aren’t really healthy. whereas raphael has a different perspective and grew up with a supportive family when it comes to that (i particularly hc rosa as being a great support in that sense, not letting anyone give him shit, giving him hugs when he needed, keeping people away when he didn’t want to be touched, speaking for him when he went nonverbal, etc) so he has a lot of better mechanisms. and i really dig him teaching those to magnus and helping him find better alternatives. like magnus knows about vests, has used corsets in that way before, why tf didn’t he think of that? because he’s used to ignoring his own needs :) but raphael helps him find good vests that make him feel, like, perfectly hugged and grounded and it’s Very Good. they probably share a lot during the time when raphael lives with him, since magnus can just magically adjust them anyway

plus other things such as not caring if magnus stims, and whatnot

i also think that he sometimes uses magic to handle the hyposensitivity problem, cause i mean, why not? especially when he’s in the flowy open shirts and whatnot, cuz again, like, the necklaces are good and they help a lot but they are Not Good Enough. but magic can make him feel more pressure and help him out with that, he can spell himself to have this kind of… constriction? that he likes. plus his magic kind of takes care of him on its own so i can definitely see it like, enhancing his sensitivity when he needs it, running over his arms and torso to keep him grounded, and whatnot. very useful, especially because he can do that unnoticed

that’s only what i had to say on hyposensitivity to pressure dear lord someone help me daiojdsoadjasodjadijaidoaj

onto hypersensitivity to textures! again strongly agree. i kind of headcanon that all of magnus’ clothes are lined with silk underneath because they always look just a little stuffy when they aren’t silky and again it’s clearly his favorite texture - for his sheets, his shirts, just everything he can is silky. i know he can probably magick them up but i like to think he has a tailor tbh, maybe some other old warlock who never really wanted to give up that work? idk it sounds more authentic and even connected to his roots this way so i like to headcanon that. anyway yeah silk everywhere and all the way. pretty much every other texture other than that and the People He Likes is kinda overwhelming for him, imo. which can be a Huge Problem and is probably connected to why he hates people he doesn’t like getting into his personal space - he’s perfected the personal space distancing so he’s kept away from the Bad Textures and anyone getting into it uninvited is definitely unwelcome and perceived as a threat to his safety and wellbeing - and effectively is

same goes for jewelry, like, he pretty much only wears silver stuff? i think it’s his preferred texture as well, which is why we don’t see him wearing a lot of different things. that might also be related to the thing you said about colors:

maybe being hypersensitive to colours/visual influence but this might be a jab at smol book!magnus with his neon leggings and crop tops. but all his surroundings are either dark: dark red, dark blue, or black, or medium brown (wood) or smallll golden accents. nothing harsh.

like golden can be too much visually and non-metal textures aren’t really welcome. this is also related to the pressure thing - metal is great for weight, whereas every other accessory material is Not - but texture also plays a good part

(also ur so valid for wanting to jab @ book magnus tbh lmao i don’t acknowledge that bitch)

but i could see him hyperfocusing on translations. oof idk i haven’t interacted with canon in months or maybe years. i’ve mostly thought about his stims. like also the scratching on paper, his tai chi exercises, making/drinking tea, brewing potions.

i also dig that? i think most of what we’ve seen in Genius Magnus Bane is related to that in some capacity - being his hyperfocus/hyperfixation/special interest. like the portal thing? definitely a result of him hyperfixating. and he just goes on and on, which is why he isn’t particularly known for like, One Area He Expertises On (okay i do realize this is more ADHD than autism but look he’s been alive for centuries okay his special interests are gonna pile up) but rather a lot of very specific things that he knows a lot about and that end up broaching a thousand different and wildly unrelated topics

and whenever he’s working on a magical thing, it’s just- hyperfocus all the way, baby. sometimes when he needs a distraction or is feeling overwhelmed he just goes straight to brewing because it’s guaranteed hyperfocus and like, silence in his head, you know? and he can just get away from whatever’s overwhelming/upsetting him for a while. not always healthy to do, but. still a thing that he does. translating, brewing potions, summoning things, even tracking - it immediately takes his undivided attention and suddenly he looks up and realizes that ah yes, he is in a place and has surroundings, and has a name lmao. even if it’s something like tracking which is really quick, while he’s at it he doesn’t think about absolutely anything else. then he kind of has to blink after a few seconds and remember why he was doing it in the first place lmao

this is probably deeply intertwined with his magic - like it is related to how he interacts and perceives the world, so when he’s using it, he’s effectively channeling all of his attention into one of his senses, and directing it to a single specific purpose. it’s like inhaling deeply. everything else shuts down and he’s just focused and directed into this action, and then that mixes up with autism/ADHD and you’ve got guaranteed hyperfocus. it can be both good and bad, but it’s definitely grounding and something that helps him cope with a lot of things - like, sensorial overload? just feeling overwhelmed in general? too angry or tired? needing a distraction. magic time! even if it’s just making a small ball of light, it definitely helps him focus a lot

which of course leads up to stimming! which you already mentioned up there and also in here

(obv he stimmt with his rings and ear piece thingy all the time because it cool. i don’t think he’d disturb the necklaces because they make up for not wearing a vest so playing with them would do not enough good to make up for the loss of pressure)

again completely agree with the necklace thing, he’s never really seen playing with those, but the earpieces/earlobes/rings? hoo boy. all the damn time, definitely a good way to stim. plus yeah, magic like i just said, but not only in the sense of hyperfocusing on purpose, but also that he just stims magically? like keeps making sparks with his fingers, or making and reshaping a ball like we’ve seen him do in that scene where him and alec fight in s2, some light hand twisting that comes mostly in the form of an almost imperceptible rub of his fingers together, did i mention random sparks? or just having like, invisible tendons of magic running over his arms, focusing on how they feel and making them keep twisting over him like a snake or something? dadiahias idk if i can describe that very well but you know what i mean, it’s just wrapped around his arm and moving and he’s stimming that way, focusing on its motions (plus again good pressure!) and whatnot

i also think he clicks his tongue to make up for rarely ever verbally stimming, but sometimes he can verbally stim with like specific spells that feel good on the tongue when he’s alone - it takes him centuries to ever allow himself to do that one in front of anyone, even if it’s pretty innocuous

I’m very interested in reading more on your posts and how Magnus is ADHD in things that don’t overlap with either ASD or (c-?)PTSD!

doijadoadsoaj and now that i’ve written this huge ass disconnected manifesto on a bunch of shit i realize that that was your question all along. great great great. this is fine

if you’re interested in ADHD magnus as a whole i definitely recommend reading @thesorrowoflizards‘s fantastic ADHD Magnus Manifesto which already features a lot of my headcanons anyway daoisjdaojdsaoi also i have both an adhd magnus tag and a general meta as well as a magnus meta tag (shut up i like keeping things organized okay) so you can read more stuff ive written on/that includes the subject if you want. but anyway! let me scramble up some particular headcanons out of my little peanut brain

ok i guess i can start with what i said about him having like, a lot of expertise on a bunch of unrelated topics that ends up on him having a curriculum that’s like. invented the portal, fluent in 14th century albanian, specialist in rattlesnake venom, healing magic, and endocrinology, knows how to build one (1) highly specific model of plane, PHD in the javanese herbal flora and a master’s in wormholes… and it just keeps going lmao

i kind of envision magnus having the type of adhd where his hyperfixations last a long time and are usually related to like, Solving A Problem or Figuring Out Something - take the portal for example. he set his mind to it, right, he wants to create teleportion! and he’s gonna hyperfocus on that and learn everything there is to learn until he figures out how to do that, and then he blinks and 10 years have passed and he’s just, like, been doing that. but now that it’s done, great! onto the next topic! and it begins again daoids

i mean over time he probably got better at managing hyperfixations and still like functioning, especially because you know, as high warlock he can’t go around getting distracted and immersed in whatever the fuck he finds fitting, but that’s definitely his natural state, so to speak. he’s naturaly curious and he likes to create and alter the world around him, so he’s drawn to sciences and inventions, but pretty much everything inside that is fair game. also languages! they are useful, especially but not just for a warlock, and uncover so much about a culture and their worldview. i can definitely see him hyperfixating on translations and languages and getting absolutely immersed in those, not stopping studying until he’s absolutely fluent, even if only in a specific dialect from a specific time lmao. it’s not like it’s a problem because as a warlock he reads a lot of ancient texts. and understanding the language means understanding the exact workings of whatever spell he’s using, so again, very useful!

also like, this is 100% projection, but jesus, time blindness. like i’m time blind as all fuck i’m the time blindest bitch i know it’s incredible, and i hc magnus as having a huge problem with that. and as an immortal, it only gets trickier. was this yesterday? was it in the 18th century? who knows! certainly not him. and after a while of immortality your notion of time is bound to get thwarped, in the same way that a year seemed like a long time when i was a kid and seems like nothing to current me - the more you live, the shorter any length of time seems to last. so he’s going to be like “this was two weeks ago” when in reality it was in the 30s. it might get him some pretty bad shocks, too, like for instance when one of his cats dies of old age - they already live so little, and the more time passes, the less that seems to be to magnus. and he might even feel guilty over that, like, i didn’t even enjoy that cat’s life, it felt to me like i found them yesterday, and now they’re gone, what kind of person am i

that’s not true of course, he’s always taken care of his cats wonderfully, but it might feel that way for him sometimes, feel like he barely registered they were there and it all passed so quickly even if that’s not really what happened

and sometimes panicking, like, how long has it been since i met (mortal)? are they close to dying? how much time do we have? how long did i spend worrying about the portal instead of being with them? and just spiralling into anxiety because he can’t trust his own perception of time and it’s like, suddenly, he doesn’t know

not gonna think about magnus waking up in the middle of the night before alec becomes immortal worried that it’s been longer than he thinks, that he thinks it’s been a few years but it’s actually been decades, and what if he turns around and finds that alec is greying and dying and he’s going to lose him without even noticing? is this going to slip through his fingers before he notices, because magnus will never forgive himself if it does. haha yeah definitely not gonna think about that, nope. i’m fine

but also just stupider things with time blindness, like being like “oh wow, did that restaurant i liked close? has it really been this long since i’ve last been here?” “hm. it says here that this has been a residential building for the last 30 years.” “has it???”

getting centuries mixed up, even if he has very obvious cues to figure out where something took place (like clothing and whatnot) but sometimes he doesn’t think of doing that and just spits out however long it feels like it has been (because like idk about other people but for me time blindness comes with a very clear sense of certainty? like i’ll be like i am absolutely, completely sure that this was a week ago. but then i look and it was two months ago or last year or when i was a kid) and it’s just wildly wrong

over time he learns to always do actual calculations in his head instead of trusting his gut so as to avoid embarrassment and even scorn - oh look i’m making myself sad again god damn it - and he becomes very quick at calculating and figuring it out from cues, like “ah this clothing is from the victorian era, this material wasn’t invented before (x year), i met this person on that year…. so it’s year x”. he kind of has annotations on that so he can keep up. he doesn’t know the years and dates because of his own memories, but from like, a history-studying standpoint lmao it’s a little wack but he manages

every once in a while tho, especially when he’s with alec or his friends, he slips up, and it’s funny. especially because alec has like. an annoyingly good memory, especially with dates, so he can say the exact date that they had a specific conversation without even thinking. so magnus will be like “alexander remember last week when you made me soto ayam?” and alec will give him that shit eating grin and be like “the last time i made you soto ayam was 3 months and 12 days ago” and magnus is just like UGGGHHH and alec makes fun of him for it lmao

but hey at least they can make up for each other’s weaknesses when it comes to that duahsda but it’s frustrating because it’s one thing that alec is effortlessly good at while magnus is very bad at, and there aren’t a lot of these - especially since magnus has had so much time and so many interests, he’s way more likely to know his way and be good with something than alec, who’s been raised in a military society where interests of any kind weren’t welcome. so it’s frustrating and by god is alec smug about it

and okay i think that’s big enough for now doaijdsaodaj i apologize for the huge incoherent ramble and also for taking so long to reply, i’m just Like This. i hope you liked my answer anyway doauhdaihdsa and thank you again for this wonderful submission, few things make me happier than getting lengthy headcanons shared with me :)

#submission #ask #hasenfu #sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #meta #magnus bane meta #autistic magnus bane #adhd magnus bane #autistic raphael santiago #one (1) very brief mention of autistic alec #okay now it's two but tbh more if you squint #raphael santiago #brotp: i'll do whatever it takes to protect them #brief malec

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nad-zeta · 4 years

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hi 💕👋🏻 this may be a bit specific so ignore it if you'd like? okay so i am quarantined with my two older brothers and one's girlfriend, and you know, it's all chill. but i couldn't help but think — what if it were reversed? thus, can i please get something on how would mitsuhide react to having been stuck quarantined with his s/o and her brothers who aren't that much approving of the thought of her having a boyfriend (but still gotta accept it lmao, little sisters gotta grow up). thank you💞

Hey there love! Thanx so much for the request lol. Hehe i know how it goes my brother recently brough a girl home and she landed up staying the whole week! Hope i didnt miss the mark too much with this HC! Hope you enjoy dear and are staying safe and sound during this time!^_^ ❤🥰

HC: Mitsuhide stuck in quarantine with S/O and her 2 Brothers

Mitsuhide

Before the news of the quarantine broke you had brought your long time boyfriend Mitsuhide home to meet the family

Your parents were off on some random overseas trip and it was now only your two brothers at home

The three of you are incredibly close and would often be called the three musketeers.

The first time your brothers opened the door to greet you and meet your new S/O; they were shocked. They looked at each other with a knowing look

This dude definitely looks shady AF

If this guy thinks he can just waltz in and take their precious sister from them and break up the three musketeers, he has another thing coming!

They let the two of you in and led Mitsuhide to the opposite side of the house to a tiny guest bedroom. You pouted at the thought.

You were actually bargaining on the fact that he was going to be in the guest bedroom closest to your room. Although you didn’t say anything cause the way your brothers looked at him, you could definitely read their minds. They were the type to throw down some newspaper on the floor and say, “That’s where you will be sleeping,” you know for laughs. You laughed at that though Mitsuhide would probably have appreciated the joke. You had after all prepared him for the worst-case scenarios, cause you knew your family still saw you as a little girl.

When Mitsuhide walked in the door, he could immediately feel the chilly vibe radiating from your dearest two brothers; he could tell by the look in their eyes and body language that they didn’t like the idea of their little sister dating anyone. He tried to give them his most friendly smile. Whoops looks like it had the opposite effect. Lol, it seems it sent a shiver down their spines.

The four of you had dinner in front of the tv that night. Conversing in some light conversation. Mitsuhide sat beside you on the couch and had his arm around your waist. You were shocked at how calm he was, especially since both your brothers were giving him the death glare.

Prior to all four of you civilly sitting in the lounge together, your brother was fighting for your attention with Mitsuhide. Mitsu wanted you to sit with him, while your brother wanted you to sit as far away from him as possible. This resulted in a tug of war. You felt like a rag doll being pulled to either side by your brothers and Mitsu. Eventually you lost your temper and said that you were a grown-ass woman and you were going to spend time and sit with your boyfriend. Cue Mitsuhide having the biggest smirky smirk

He honestly didn’t have a care in the world, as long as you were in his arms, he was the happiest man alive

The four of you heard the news break and how you were all now in quarantine. You looked around the room to see two frowns and one big bright smile “Looks like I’m going to be staying a little longer than just the weekend little mouse, if that is okay with you.” You smiled and kissed him on the cheek

Mitsuhide definitely low key tried to get you brothers approvals, of course, he didn’t need it cause he would love you to the ends of the earth either way, but if he was to have a pleasant stay he at least wanted to try.

The little pranks and tricks your brothers played on Mitsuhide didn’t go unnoticed. They would put ice in his bed, fake snakes in his shoes, flush the toilet when he was in the shower, but nothing seemed to phase this man.

They even made his a “truce cupcake.” where all the sugar had been replaced with salt. They gave it to Mitsuhide with the most mischievous looks in their eyes. One even had the video camera out to film his reaction.

Mitsuhide simply took a bite and ate it as if it was nothing out the ordinary. Even commenting how nice the texture was. Your brother looked mortified! You low key knew they had done something to it, so you asked Mitsu to give you a small piece. Once you bit into it, you ran to the fridge to get some chocolate milk to wash the horribly salty flavor out your mouth. Mitsuhide just laughed at you reacting and continued to finish off the cupcake.

Once the cupcake was done, he then asked to speak to your two brothers in private. To say your brother was intimidated by the man that seemed to be phased by nothing they had done thus far would be an understatement. The three of them went into one of the bedrooms and didn’t come out for 3 hours.

You were starting to worry, so you slowly opened the door. TBH you were expecting a murder scene. But instead, you were met with the three men playing video games and laughing like old friends. LIKE WHAT

Mitsu spotted you and called you over to sit with him and help him beat your brothers in the racing game they were playing. You looked up and Mitsu and asked what had happened, and he simply said, “We found common ground, and that is our love for your little mouse.” As he said it, he nuzzled into your cheek and gave your nose a kiss.

Your brothers had actually really come to enjoy Mitsuhide, as he would workout with them and teach them some easy yet effective bodyweight workouts to do in the garden to keep their fitness up during quarantine.

You couldn’t help but take a sneak peek at Mitsuhide’s perfectly sculpted body. More so when he would take his shirt off cause of the heat. You swear you melted in a puddle

Mitsuhide being the sneaky snek he is would sneak into your room at night when your brother is sleeping. The two of you would just spend time in each other’s arms talking about anything and everything. You would lay your head on Mitsuhide’s chest, just listing to his heartbeat. The two of you would fall asleep, and Mitsuhide would have to sneak his way back to his room in the morning

Mitsuhide was honestly the perfect house guest. He was neat and tidy; he would cook everyone breakfast every morning. He seemed to have a talent for making pancakes (even though they were from a packed). It’s probably best that way you never know what crazy meal this kitsune would make if he didn’t have a recipe and was purely led by his lack of takes buds

The four of you would spend most of your time together playing board games. However, there are times when you leave each out to your own devices, and that’s usually when you and Mitsuhide get your fluffy on.

All and all, quarantine wasn’t that bad with Mitsuhide and your brother, they actually became really good friends with Mitsu much to your surprise. And you and Mitsu’s relationship was now stronger than ever cause not much can be hidden from the other when you are freaken living together.

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ryudaeng · 4 years

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hey you don't have to answer this if you don't want to but how do you think up your gfx compositions and color schemes? I only make graphics for fun but I feel like my composition's rlly awkward sometimes and yours r some of my favorites so. jdjdhsjd. Again you don't have to answer but your edits are really pretty keep up the good work!!

Hello! First of all, thank you very much!! That means so so so much! ♡ (i’m so sorry for my lame explanation)

For color scheme/palettes inspo i usually go [here] - [here] & [here] or i’ll base it on the pictures i’m using. Gradients are fun to use for this as well, usually i put them to Darken/Lighten.

As for compositions... it changes alot during lmao. [Sometimes when i think i’m finished with the gfx and i’m about to upload i’m like no and i change the whole thing ;;] I usually start in the middle for the main image/image of whoever i’m using. Then work around with png’s/textures and with this you gotta play around with it. It takes me hours to be kinda satisfied with it, and even after i’m not sure (i’m still learning myself so i lack confidence 95% of the time) So it makes me happy that people tell me they like it♡ tbh I have the same feeling for most of my stuff, that they look weird or not good enough (however i think it’s bc of my personal eye and can see the flaws in them that others might not see..i hope.. :D).

I really wish i could help you more bc i feel this was useless? You didn’t ask for my ramblings, i’m sorry lol!

However i didn’t just wanna ignore you ;; I’m seriously not good at explaining so i apologize . For this graphic i made a graphic psd /3rd panel\ for a friend. idk if it’s helpful but if you want to try it lemme know. (preferably off anon)

I used to look at alot of tutorials (here) to learn the basic things until i found my own spin on it. One key is to not give up, patience and keep trying. If you have anymore questions don’t hesitate to ask, i don’t mind sharing things (i’m just very useless at explaining) if you want you may also ask off anon for more help ♡

#my lame explanation #im so sorry #;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;#anoniem #replies #ps help

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hoyatype · 4 years

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i know we are sick of alison roman and she is so ordinary in her ignorant offensiveness that it’s barely worth commenting on. however, a friend dug up this quote from alison roman’s cookbook, dining in, which installed in me a lightweight, pleasantly fizzy rage as i read it:

You may notice that this chapter is suspiciously lacking in rice recipes. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but there aren’t any. Not in this whole book! I am not saying I don’t like rice; I’m saying I don’t really cook it and including recipes for it would feel dishonest. Rice has always seemed like filler to me, and if I’m going to stuff my face, I’d rather do so with a grain or something that has an awesomely nutty flavor, deliciously chewy texture, and sure, maybe some nutritional value. I mean, why rice when you could chickpea? Why rice when you could lentil?

rice. so weird! so unpleasant and uninteresting to alison roman, the woman who popularized a coconut milk–turmeric–chickpea recipe (#thestew) as part of her megabrand. it’s inspired by south indian cuisine but it does feel notable that she didn’t call it #thecurry.

imagine writing a cookbook and going bread has always seemed like filler to me. what’s the point of having bread when you could have potatoes with a meal instead?

that’s what she sounds like when she suggests substituting rice with chickpeas and lentils instead lmao. also: someone tell this woman that rice…is also…a grain…

#let's just buy meera sodha cookbooks instead #i've always found her recipes to be much better tbh

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kae-karo · 5 years

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lmao so i thought someone asked for an analysis of the gwf vid like i could’ve sworn i had that ask so y’all just have to deal with me posting it anyway here ya go lads golf gone sexual™: the final edition

the fucking. the pirate outfits. the. i’m. i don’t. i can’t. (x) ‘left over from somewhere’

fucking phil ‘u lost ur stick last time i think’ yeah phil sure yeah sure okay buddy

‘choke me daddy festive edition’ @ dan pls stop

what cuties i love them just not actually knowing what they’re doing and messing it up and these awkward long pauses before they burst into a fit of giggles i love them

why did they even bring up the ‘winter update’ like it had no relevance??

crinkly boye

don’t worry i can host dan what are u even on about

phil out here coming up with a great vid name (yo ho ho) and they went with battle for the booty smh that says everything u ever need to know abt dnp

wow even in this year of 2018 we got yet another ur mum joke (and phil’s right we do love kath)

@ dan pls stop ur bf from making weird hand gestures okay that’s,,,,,it’s unnecessary

hi they cute

‘u absolute twit nipple’ how on earth does that still sound so fond what the fuck

and another ur mum joke wow i just,,,,wow

the way dan says ‘oh my god that was good’ like. he never sounds like that??? it’s a good sound he should sound like it more often idk it’s like soft and genuine in a sort of ‘wow i did okay??’ kinda cute surprised way??

‘stop talking about how close this is’ dan,,,,,,really u thought that was bad??? really??? really?????

phil’s deep-voiced yarr and dan’s literal only reaction being that he should’ve made a pun out of it leads me to believe philip does that deep voice often enough that dan is entirely unfazed and idk how i feel abt that

‘just bounced off the rim that’s how i like to play it, don’t go in, just bounce off it’ that cheeky fuckin smile daniel please can u not

lmao the pirate outfit is unlucky hm

hi i love dan’s lil trying-not-to-smile-but-just-about-to-smile smile when he’s staring at phil it makes me happy

how did they spend ten minutes (okay ten full seconds) trying to figure out the name of the wheel

dan: makes f/phat booty pun, phil: ‘they’re just filled with ass they’re not even coins’

same dan

important content

ik everyone’s said it by now but dan’s choice of adjective was great and i’m here for it (’gaily jumping off the ship’)

dan’s lil smile when phil’s ‘gaily adjusting his stance’

dimply boye

how does phil just blatantly ignore ‘phil’s edging us guys’ like idk i mean i hyperfocus too but like damn they really must just talk about that kind of stuff on a regular basis bc u don’t just tune that out y’know

phil’s distracted ‘that is so much ass’

‘yarrs’ carries the same energy as when dan made the ‘ain’t no gravy up in this kitch’ joke in the bunny biscuits vid and stared at phil and waited for his joke to be acknowledged

my kink is dan looking hilariously fond abt phil making bad sex-related comments (’it’s a strap-on’)

hey phil u know if u swear in another language it’s still swearing right?

did dan just absolutely commit to the harder flag?? without saying anything abt it? even though he lost?

phil just. out here. purposely almost-swearing. we stan

ik i saw this joke elsewhere but phil ur literally staring at a posh pirate mmkay b

i just wanna know what was going through dan’s head with ‘oingo boingo i’m a dick’ bc like. u okay there b??

ye dan we know ur geometry skills are quite lacking but glad the whole reference thing just keeps on coming up

‘they’re gonna do an exam about me and everyone’s gonna get an A star’ i mean that’s living in the phandom isn’t it? We all aspire to be phil trash, even though only One can hold the ultimate title

okay like take five seconds and take a step back they’re literally just playing golf i love how stupidly competitive they get it’s adorable

‘oh dear’ makin a comeback

plankspank.com why are they like this (at least phil didn’t buy the domain this time)

danny u have picked up ur husband’s habit of making a cawing noise whenever u get a birdie

why does he do this

physically in pain

fucking hell dan why do u have to make this so goddamn sexual i didn’t ask for this i didn’t want u talkin bout how it was a slow one and u put it in and jfc look i read phanfiction for a reason i don’t actually wanna know what ur sex life is like okay

britney spears references wow is it 2010 again or is that just all the foreplay golf,,,,,play,,,,,

dan,,,,,,,,

re: the tentacle: ‘that is gonna be right,,,,somewhere’ dan we got it u did not have to add ‘right in the poop deck’ and ur fucking noise okay we did Not need that

i lied earlier my kink is dan saying he cannot believe smth

this is just becoming a masterpost of all the weird faces dan makes

‘it’s part of the loser station for idiots who get everything wrong’ ???? dan help i can’t tell are u a seven y.o child who makes up mean insults when u lose or a twenty-seven year old adult who makes sex jokes n innuendos bc this vid is giving me mixed vibes

🎶🎶there she goes, there she goes again🎶🎶

awwwww matching nerds

dan n his fuckin squeaky i’m-making-fun-of-u voice

‘some people are just skilled booty raiders’ #dantops2k18

Important Dan Fact™ if u can see his lil corner of his mouth u can bet u could see his dimple on the other side and i’m suing bc we can’t see it

why did it take them like 3 tries to figure out they had to time it with the cannons i mean it’s like they’ve never played a vid game in their lives

bite it danny boy u know u want to u also know if it were the other way round phil would’ve bitten at dan’s finger

more dan face

phil absolutely going off topic with ‘sometimes i want to explore with fashion’ and dan’s immediate ‘oh do u now phil lmao’

‘so many textures out there’ he cute

i mean dan cute too but phil cute for sayin it

we stan boyfriends with literally the same brain whining abt lazy rivers and rude kids

hi sorry i just love watching phil when dan’s talking bc he pays so much attention like he used to not do that (back in the day) but like he just really turns and focuses on dan now and it makes me happy

i know we all adore dan’s ‘shut up’ but it always gives me life hearing phil tell dan to shut up

fond daniel

also phil’s super cute soft natural voice when he’s talking about how he keeps saying ‘watch this’

has phil ever gotten this frustrated with gwf lmao

‘bollocks’ as if that’s a thing they say

just kiss him phil goddamn i mean u wanna win right what better way to throw him off his game

why did maximum yeet have to become a thing i s2g

‘why am i helping’ bc u have absolutely no willpower and u want phil to be happy bc it makes u happy that’s why

why,,,,,,,why does everything satisfying have to be sexual phil, why. just. why. and then? golf gone sexual? as if that’s not a better title for the goddamn vid than ‘battle for the booty’ at least it’s accurate??? ‘battle for the booty’ i expect them dueling irl over who gets to top next or some shit that is why u call a vid ‘battle for the booty’

dan,,,,,,pls let ur bf make the weird noises okay

hi sorry what the Fuck is this

is that meant to be a monkey or some shit like what???????

that is a skeleton pirate thing what the hell

why does he have such a long face

idk they cute when they look at each other like they're like having a serious convo even tho they aren’t (although i wouldn’t be shocked if making puns is an important point of communication between them)

also fun fact i heard phil saying ‘jewel’ for the first like five times instead of duel

phil, realizing he’s said something he shouldn’t have

a cute

hi once again i love them

phil doing his face covering thing why does he always look at least 3x cuter when he’s doing it whilst staring at dan

‘i got the octopus, he’s gonna marry me, we’re gonna have tentacle hooked babies with parrots on the crib’

same dan same

and then he turns around n says ‘spank me with a plank and call me poopy susan’ wtf is wrong with them

‘u love a good tentacle don’t u’ show me where i asked

dan, actually considering how that would feel with all the tentacles:

how did they go from phil saying ‘you love a good tentacle’ to saying ‘(you/we) should get some of those’ to dan saying ‘no, you shouldn’t’ like uhm. wot

this

#dnp #dan and phil #dapg #danandphilgames #phan #golf with friends #pirate edition #vid analysis #moonshine gifs #kt #and yes to the person that asked for an analysis for the heartthrob vid #that's coming give me like ten mins lmao

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boymeetsweevil · 6 years

Text

bts as boyfriends

a/n: tbh this was basically a list of things i just had swirling around in my head and its basically a continuation of my moments w/ bts and sleepovers w/ bts

Kim Seokjin

Squishes your cheeks together in his big ol’ hands because he can and because he thinks you look cute that way

Is highkey a fan of having matching stuff, but not full-blown couple outfits

thats where he draws the line >:|

Created a separate instagram account just to document the meals you guys have together on your date nights

Dumb (but cute) snapchats of him doing that fast yelling thing he does but he just tells you how much he misses you rly aggressively

also spams you with selfies and videos from other members’ accounts

Pets names hmmm

prefers to call you Doll

yeobo seems too serious (its what his parents call each other)

Sweetie/Honey makes him feel like an old woman

On your one year anniversary he gave you a 5000 dollar watch but presented it in a box wrapped in printer paper that had his face printed all over it that he made in Microsoft word with some of the editing crew’s help

all of his gifts get wrapped this way

Jin Is scary serious when you take a selfie together

“Babe, this isn’t the angle--quick lets move over here so we can still catch the light” ***proceeds to sprint ahead of you to some random spot where the lighting is optimal and hurry u over like “ >:( cmon the sun is setting” ***

Is not your typical PDA type, will do weird things just to embarrass you

puts his hand in your back pocket while you’re in the starbucks line and smiles when you give him incredulous side eye

rests his phone on your head to mock you for being shorter than him

Links arms with you like old lady gal pals while you’re walking because he knows you HATE IT

fake moans when you swat his arm for being weird and embarrassing

you shushing him and ending up just glaring because he has no shame and there’s an old man glaring at u on the subway

You can bet he tests out recipes on you!

some of ur most romantic nights have been when you come over just casually but the whole house smells like food he’s been tweaking

you sit at a stool by the kitchen island and he comes by with like 8 different sauces you need to try and noodles to test for texture

He is the type of boyfriend that thinks its funny to gross you out

he eats food the fell on the floor just to piss you off

will kiss u while he’s chewing gum :(

touches u with his bare feet :((((((

Min Yoongi

Is less bold but NEVER lacking with his affection

Likes to take walks in any weather

E.g. Loves when its rainy because then you have to huddle close because he INSIsts on sharing an umbrella

E.g. Will even walk in the winter/end of fall because he likes to share mittens and scarves - this is the closest thing to cheesy you will ever get with him

Isn’t the type to send selfies

if he does, its just of his shoes of the day with an ironic caption like “rate my fit and i’ll follow back”

Readily accepts all of your selfies, though

Upgraded his phone 2x just so he could have the extra storage to save all your photos

a lot of them are blackmail worthy, which is the reason for saving them half the time

Yoongi Is a champ when you get drunk

will hold your hair back

lets you spit your gum out into his bare fucking hand before u hurl and will not flinch

rejects all of your lewd propositions, but may record you and play back your whiny drunk voice the next morning to make you reconsider taking shots next time (PS u dont ever reconsider)

he likes home dates too, obvi

usually you schedule naps at his place because everything about his bedroom is better than yours

mattress is huge and the perfect firmness

sheets are higher thread-count

can sleep with his hand up your shirt all he wants because he doesn’t have any roommates at his own place

pillows are always cool to the touch BUT

he might schedule dates at your place if he’s been away and just wants to bury himself in your smell. Speaking of...

...Yoongo is a smeller

he is always smelling you, loves how you smell

He smells your hair while zoning out waiting for his americano to come out when ur at a cafe

He’ll wrap himself around you from behind and sniff your neck idly while he plays candy crush on your belly while u try to cook dinner

Nicknames vary on his mood/your behavior

brat - for when you’re being a brat duh

kid - default, all purpose and a little mocking

your last name when he’s feeling rowdy

your first name when he’s emotional

Jung Hoseok

Hobi always runs full force at u when he sees you even if you’ve been in each other’s faces all week

Whenever he’s bored and you’re nearby he’ll moonwalk around you

You love to watch him practice but you also hate it because if you make eye contact he’ll come over and try to pull you in to teach you

He’s tried to teach you to dance dozens of times and you never get any of his choreo

usually it ends in him maneuvering you into a slow 2 step

which then always becomes a tiny makeout session

but honestly so many other random activities you do together turn into makeout sessions because tbh hob is a bit of a greaseball

this means that half the time you’re ignoring him pawing at u and making cheesy jokes during inopportune times

the other half of the time ur dragging him by the collar and looking for an empty room to take him into because u dig him and his cheesy horndog antics

He’s also lowkey highkey a dudebro

crowds you because he wants to chest bump and ur like “-.- again?”

kept trying to get your secret couple greeting to be that little surfer hand thingie he does with tae sometimes and u said no because neither of u are 8 anymore

likes spontaneous dates, so usually you’ll text him wyd and if he’s free he’ll just answer ‘coming to get u now’ and then you sigh and slip on your shoes and wonder when you’ll be able to have a date where its not 10:30 at night and you’re not wearing sweats and ur not going out just to go eat some chicken by the Han

You utilize all your privileges that you have dating him to visit Mickey

any time there is a break in the guys’ scheduling you say you want to visit mickey

He lowkey hates those days because you just lie on the floor next to mickey and eat the snacks his mom puts out and COMPLETELY ignore him

u and his sister take turns petting mickey and telling embarrassing stories about hob while he sulks in the corner

he gets revenge by taking 20 pics of ur back and doodling horns on ur head and spamming u with them

Probably would call you a bunch of weird things as a pet name

ducky, peaches, cutie, hotpot, captain etc.

sometimes calls you sweet thang but only when its after dark and he’s trying to make moves

Hobi is the type to always want idle touch but its not exclusively sexy u kno?

if you’re watching tv together he’ll have an arm slung over you

if you’re out to dinner, he gravitates towards booths so he can press his shoulder against yours

if you’re chilling in bed you HAVE to be rubbing his arm or else he’ll give you the most ridiculous pout [its so cute tho :’C ]

Thinks you’re the funniest person alive, is always laughing at stuff you said whether if was supposed to be a joke or not

which means he does that deep hiccuping giggle all the time and you just :’))))))

He’s so patient and let’s you test out all your new skin care products on him because he likes having your hands on his face and the way you talk softly half to him, half to yourself while you talk about what you’re doing

maybe its ASMR lmao

Kim Namjoon

The first thought you had after you started dating was that you could touch his dimples any time you wanted

so naturally you do

he has long since gotten used to you just touching them while he’s driving, reading, listening to music, just existing

the first time you did it he was just talking to you about something and when he felt your finger nudge his dimple

Joon: “I feel like if we visited in the spring we could go frog catching and maybe then we could-----*you jam your finger into his dimple*

You: and? what were you saying?

Joon: uhhhh I forgot :0

a fan of couple outfits but not in the same sense Jin. its more like he likes to plan your outfits

he gets really excited when he thinks of something you would look good in and always gets really bashful right before he shows it to you because he wants you to like it

he has great taste and is very observant of u and ur style so there has never been a time where he has planned an outfit for u and u looked less than amazing

same for photos, he takes really good artsy photos of you all the time

thats what 80% of dates with him are

walking through the city at night so he can take a picture of you with the city scape behind you

or going to those instagram-able cafes in the city during their slow hours so he can pictures of your coffees and you sitting next to a pastel neon sign that says like Love Hurts or something edgy like that

taking photos like that one girl and her bf who travel alot on ig, u know the one

but u never actually manage to get a good shot like that because ur always like ‘joon my arm hurts why dont u be the girl’

He’s in general big on googling popular activities and getaways and making a big deal of documenting it

as a result: he’s been working on a scrapbook and he thinks you don’t know but you and all 6 other members and even Bang PD know about the scrapbook

he gives it to you on your anniversary and even though youre expecting it, you cry

he takes photos of that too and it goes in the one for next yr lol

He calls you baby of course

but not in an exaggerated/pronounced way

it comes out super naturally and he says it more than he says your actual name

u better Get used to just turning around and catching him giving you that one soft smile he does with his whole face

“is there something on my face?”

“no, just enjoying the view <3”

Always wants to make your plate when u visit his home, and always ALWAYS gives you too much food

going there and realizing that maybe its a family thing as you watch his mom heftily scoop vegetables onto his dad’s plate while his dad looks on in worry about where he’s going to fit it

Using Joon’s lap as a pillow!!!

he can read and stroke your head while you snooze

him humming off key because he thinks it helps you sleep

Park Jimin

Before you started dating, Jimin seemed like the guy that everyone loves because he’s effortlessly cool and charming

And he is even after you start dating BUT

He is also a little praise monster and lives for your compliments

Jimin takes advantage of the fact that you are obviously enamored with him and will do things to fluster you on purpose

runs his hands through his hair because he knows you can’t look away

gets unnecessarily close to tell you things because he knows you get goosebumps when he whispers in your ear

plays chicken with you all the time

slow looks at u until u squirm

HE’s a menace

but also reminds you of a bumblebee

Jimin loves to go to see the latest comedy movies and those are always fun

Not because the movies are actually that funny (lowkey he has really bad taste in comedy movies), but because he will LOSE IT in the middle of the theatre and end up slumped over the armrest just laughing his head off

Cue the high squeaky laugh where he can’t even see the movie screen anymore because his eyes are squeezed shut :3

After the movie he always tries to retell funny scenes like

“And then *laughs* did you see the part where the guy *laughs* *laughs more* and then he *dolphin noises*

“Yeah, Minnie it was funny”

He always wants you to come to the gym with him because he gets an unnecessary amount of motivation from those gym couple accounts on instagram

You go in your big t-shirt and shorts and he goes in a similar outfit

It always ends up with u watching him because again he looks good when he lifts weights and does squats

he likes the attention too

Calls u cutie

but thinks its funny to sometimes address u as his favorite anime villian’s name ur always like hmm time to go now

He’s a feeder kinda like joon

YOu can’t ever eat anything by yourself, he always wants to cut things for you, spoon feed you

he’s very caring

This means he also is super attentive when ur sick and will bring u soup and play cards in bed and always refresh ur water and bother u about taking medicine

Kim Taehyung

Everything with Taehyung is beautiful and u feel beautiful with him which is so amazing and crazy at the same time

He is a big cheerleader for u he loves everything u do

You made a badly folded origami and he shouted cute and was so genuine and got it laminated somehow and keeps it as a keychain accessory

He’s always showing you things

like some of his favorite classical art pieces that he’s saved pictures of on his phone

sometimes he tells you about how he can’t wait to plan the perfect trip to europe with u so u can visit some of his favorite pieces face to face

Always showing u his new (and old) favorite songs and movies

some of ur dates are going to see old films or foreign films at this one really hip theatre in the city

he bought a gramophone a little while back before u started dating and he loves to play records for you and lie with you on the floor and show u the best parts of the song with his hands in the air

He has a fancy camera too that he uses to document “special moments”

when u asked him how come he always uses it to take picture of u then he was like everything with u is special and u had to tackle him and cover his whole face in kisses because he cant just say things like that without facing the consequences

He keeps a journal where he doodles in the margins and writes songs and poems that only some people have seen like yoongi or jimin

he tried to draw you once and it came out looking a little strange but he’s still learning and u love him for it

He also gets soo sooo excited when you show him your favorite things

u dont do it as much because they dont seem as cultured or pretty but u show him a movie from ur childhood that u still watch once or twice a year and his eyes were huge the whole time and he was so glad to watch it with you

Calls u Jagi because he likes what it means and its truly accurate

U guys are just on the same wavelength and he really appreciates that u dont find him weird or quirky or overly pretentious even

u finish each others sentences and can predict moods pretty well its a little scary for the guys to watch u talk to each other in half sentences and know what the other means

When u first met, it was through Joon because he thought u guys would click and he was super nervous and worried because a lot of ppl don’t really GET him

Maybe at ur blind date a song came on in the restuarant u were in and it was a song he really liked

and then u were really shyly like “it feels like when you find a really special spot in the woods that nobody knows about” and hes like

“yeah, it really does” and then goes home and writes ur name 20 times in his notebook before getting the courage to call u about a 2nd date

Jeon Jungkook

You already know what it is with this kid: MEME CENTRAL

seriously ur texts are like 80% reaction pictures you downloaded off the internet that just get cycled over and over again because they’ve started to replace certain common phrases and emotions

Yoongi tried to jack JKs phone once and read the messages out loud to the members to try and embarrass him and he actually couldn’t read the last 24 hours of messages because it was literally all pictures/emojis

JK thinks ur laugh is the best sound he’s ever heard and is always trying to bring it out

he makes so many weird faces

those also become memes in the chat

he does so many exaggerated moves from choreo just to get u to crack up

does random weird things with his voice at inappropriate times to get u to choke

Like Jimin he is a praise monster

he wants u to think he’s impressive because he thinks ur very accomplished and cool and he’s still very much the young shy boy he was before joining the band.

Does flips because he knows u love it and won’t leave u alone until u confirm that u are in fact watching

JK: “Hey, hey, watch this LOOK are u looking?”

YOU: “Yes oh my god what?”

JK:*Does a backflip*

YOU:.........DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDEEE WTF ITS LIT IN HERE

JK: *internally* i can die now

Get ready for some next level cuteness OMG

the little nose scrunch will become the most frequent thing

u will be ruffling his hair and it’ll tickle so he’ll scrunch his nose and u’ll just explode its amazing

The BABY SMILE every time its been a while since you’ve seen each other

You’ll practically tackle him and he loves it and spins u around a little too fast

Those big sparkly eyes that he has?????

prepare for those when its his night to cook but he doesn’t feel like it and says he wants to order pizza for the billionth time

You can’t say no to him ever

gaming is not your thing but he will rope you into a 3 hour Fortnight tutorial because u love him

Not really big on pet names, or like any names for that matter

but he will use your actual name for when he wants ur undivided attention

Is scared that you think he’s immature so sometimes he’ll try to go a day without making a joke and then its ur job to try your hardest to crack him up

this is good because ultimately u also love his high pitched loud laugh

#bangtan bookclub #bttnetwork #btswriters #hyunglinenetwork #networkbangtan #bangtan #bts fanfic #bangtan fanfic #bangtan imagines #bangtan scenario #bts scenarios #bts imagines

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smallerthanmilk · 6 years

Text

My own self-image I guess.

People take such a long time to learn to love themselves, yet we all start off on a plain of lack of personal judgement, of the wonder at the creature you see in the reflective glass. What happened to that wonder? What changed to put loathing in front of where loving should be? Who taught you to speak and talk and believe such low things about yourself and who inspired your lack of self esteem. Is it the media? Is it the constant supply of people to compare yourself too? Is it the atmosphere and attitude of the education system? Is it just how our brains automatically work? The ideals of self-expression and self-worth that are sold to us in magazines, films, in the world that we live in? The constant supply of reflective surfaces, the marketing of products telling you ‘with this you can improve your own beauty? I don’t know. I wish I did. There are so many things I wish I could understand. I wish I knew why I think this way about myself. Why I put my own perceived beauty over my comfort, over my enjoyment, why I let it consume me and eat me alive. I wish I could understand why I find myself spending hours standing in front of my mirror, pinpointing and picking apart all the flaws I see, all the insecurities I list out, all the things I would change in a heartbeat had I be able too. I wish I could truly say that I love myself. I don’t think I ever will though. I don’t believe that there is a possibility that one day I will look at myself and be satisfied with what I look like. I haven’t ever really been. As I said before, I struggle with my weight. It is the basis of many of my discomforts about myself. My stomach, my stretch marks, my double chin and round face and chicken wings and thick thighs.... the list goes on. It’s odd. You would have perhaps thought that with the more weight I loose the more comfortable I feel in my own skin, and to an extend it is true, however more and more I find myself picking more flaws I hate, more anxiety about how I look fat in images than I ever felt when I was at my heaviest. As if I am terrified to look worse or as if I haven’t improved myself in the last few months. There’s more I don’t like. I don’t like my chin. It’s, as once put ‘a butt chin’. I feel bad not liking my chin. It is one of the features that I have inherited from my Dad, and in a sense it makes me feel closer to him, but I hate it on my own face. I also hate my lips. The top is far to thin and my cupids bow is weird and slightly lopsided. My teeth, whilst they have been improved with restorative dentistry, I still dislike. I will never have perfect, nice, white teeth, They will always be oddly small and weirdly shaped. My nose has a weird ridge which I dislike. I like to wear glasses to hide it, but they also can make my face look funny. My eyes are fairly set back in my face, and I dislike how my eyebrows push onto my eyes to give them a square shape due to the overhanging skin. My eyebrows themselves are two low on my forehead, and my forehead is covered in old scars and spots and horrible acne. I dislike my jawline, I dislike how my ears sit on my head. My neck has a weird curve at the back of it that I am unbelievably self-conscious of. My legs are too short, my legs are fat and oddly muscular. There’s more, like hands and hair and waist sizes and elbows and moles and freckles and the list goes on. There’s a lot to dislike. But on the other hand (wow, look at me throwing in a good conjunction into this mount of a personal essay) there’s a lot I can learn to love, and I really should fully try to change my outlook on myself. For example, I should love my chin. It is inherited from my Dad and is a characteristic I share with someone I love. My stretch marks show my history, they add texture and beauty onto an otherwise rather plane surface, my teeth are unique, my height is cute, my face is mine. I should be proud to own such a face, but I am not. It’s odd isn’t it. The knowledge that you shouldn’t think the way you do, and yet for some reason you do. And I am trying. As I said, it takes a long time to learn to love yourself, and I have days of self-confidence and self love that can be so easily fractured by a negative mood that I end up taking out on myself. it’s like a constant wave of self-belief followed by a lack there of it. A progress that moves one step forwards then two steps back, over and over again, until there comes a point I accept myself for what I am. I don’t really know why my head is thinking about this. I guess I have done a lot of literal self-reflection today. It’s odd. Sometimes I can persuade myself that I am a hot bitch and I really love myself, the next moment, I genuinely and fully believe I am far to ugly to ever be able to be loved. In my head everyone is probably repulsed to see me, in my mind no-one wants to remain my friend as they don’t want to see my face. And then something hits me, like a rounders ball smacking me in the nose, that I don’t view others in that way. I don’t pick apart anyone else’s flaws, I don’t note a cleft chin, I don’t laugh at or mock someones eyes or spots or any of the same things that I doubt about myself. I see joy, I see skin, I see smiles and happiness and self-acceptance. I see scars that track recovery, freckles that make up constellations. Beauty that realms in many forms. So why don’t I see myself like that?

As I said. I have no idea. It might be the constant berating from my mum as a kid, calling me fat, ugly, a pig in a pigsty, unlovable, worthless.... the list goes on (more on that later for sure. Heh...) It might be social media, it might be the mocking words from the teenagers I was surrounded with. It might be comments from ex-close friends. It might be anything. All I know is that it exists. That its there. That there’s a mental stigma I need to fight, and never give into. It’s hard. It’s sometimes unbearable. It’s odd too. I find that my male friends don’t seem to face anywhere near as such of a self-depreciating view. They have mentioned issues of being perceived as ‘too skinny’ or not muscular enough, but there isn’t the utter lists of specific self hatred, the dislike of not meeting societal expectations. I probably is due to society. Honestly, the impressions of makeup and feminine expectation has admittedly had more of an impact on my self worth than I ever would have predicted. Its odd. Not feeling enough for anyone, not even being enough for yourself. And I know others feel it too. I know I don’t feel it all the time. I do right now, I’ve spent a while thinking about it. If i didn’t, I would probably be more happy with my complexion. But I am not. And that’s alright. I will maybe get there. Maybe I’ll never be 100% happy, but I will be more happy than I am now. Optimism right? I still have it in me. Sorry that this post is a little bit of a downer. Please feel free to discuss any of this with me. If anyone ever reads this, that is. I’m kind of expecting that by this point people have given up on these random and odd blogs. It kind of helps me though, to streamline my thoughts rather than letting it overwhelm me and build in my head. In my head it can easily loose structure. Written out, it’s a lot easier to deal with. Yes, I could just keep this on private but as I said at the start, it makes me really have to moderate what I say, and I think i take comfort in the possibility that maybe someone does read this, maybe someone cares enough to see what my internal thoughts are. Obviously, this isn’t all of them, and obviously, there is so much more I need to cover. It’s odd. It’s like I am inviting the world to see my darkest and deepest thoughts. I feel like maybe my next post will be very much more light hearted than this shit show. I’m kind of awkwardly signing this off aren’t I? I think I am slightly scared to publish this, as I have never so outwardly expressed this before. Whoops. Sorry world. I am okay by the way. I will get there. It’s alright. And I am sorry for putting this all on you. Even though there isn’t a specific you and it’s your choice to actually read it. LMAO. I wonder if anyone does actually read these or if they are kind of just drifting off into the unknown and unwanted and ignored area of the internet.

Okay. I really need to stop typing for the moment. See you guys soon.

#selfimage #selfworth #fear #negativity #fACE #bodyimage #weight #blog #blogger #diary #diary entry #dear diary

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