I'd like to get to a point where I can draw again and not be completely overwhelmed or underwhelmed by the attempt. I guess I'm just in a messed up place mentally, I miss drawing but any time I sit down to do it, it. Doesn't happen.

so I was late to asking u things and I don't want u to have to repeat yourself so answer all the questions in the thing that you haven't already answered thank u 😌

the way I had to pull out my laptop to answer these bc I couldn’t keep them straight on my phone clipboard................ fdskjfsdkj I think I’m gonna put most of these under a read more so they don’t take up too much dash space. thank u!! <3

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please!

honestly I’m great! it is currently almost 2 in the morning but my day was nice, I got some new clothes, did my laundry, made a good dinner...good vibes all around, loving it for me rn

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!

I haven’t really listened to a lot of new music lately dkfjskj I think the most recent new artist I started listening to was orville peck?? but that was back in like february

naples yellow; where do you feel most at home?

uhh when I’m at home. yes I’m a homebody <3

raw sienna; with whom do you feel most at home? 

truly it’s with the thots I just feel so at ease

golden ochre; describe the relationship you have with your closest friend.

it’s just easy, u know? like no matter what we’re doing, even if we’re just vibing on our own together, it’s nice. I can tell them absolutely anything and it’s not weird and I don’t have to force it out at all

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off?

ok first I always see if any of my friends are busy fkdjsfkj and if they aren’t I see if they wanna just chill or w/e but otherwise just like. turning some music up and sitting in my room with a book/a couple movies I love is ideal for me on a day off. I am very simple I just like to chill

orange lake; do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad?

yes! there are two whole people in this world that I spill absolutely everything to bc I trust them with my life and esp when I’m sad bc they always make me feel better. talking to them when I’m having A Day is like I vent and instantly I am normal again. they know who they are I’m sure but for transparency’s sake, it’s u (robin) and maya, no one else gets to unlock my tragic backstories <3

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings? 

relaxing evenings!

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything? 

actually I am currently rewatching cycles 1 through 22 of america’s next top model, I’m on like cycle 5 rn I think. having the time of my life, thanks for asking

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)?

I am very much more into creative endeavors, like work-wise, but I feel like the way I think about things is much more analytical. like I prefer Making things, writing or various crafts or what have u, but even when I create I think about the things I’m doing like analytically?? so ig left-brained

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it? 

boy with squirrel by john singleton copley. I love him

english red; what animal do you relate to most?

interesting question! I have no idea. maybe birds? like a finch, maybe. they seem like they have fun

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other? 

this one is hard for me to answer bc like. I truly have no idea what a “type” is idk if that’s an ace thing or what. no? maybe? all the people I’ve had crushes on have been vastly different, in terms of like physical looks so probably not actually. I’m not attracted to muscular people tho bc I don’t think they have feelings <3

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like?

once again I have never pictured a date. I just want to hold hands! I think for the ideal first date question I said it just had to be going somewhere where we could Do things together, like walking around a museum or going through shops downtown or something, and that does still apply here, but for the sake of shaking it up, uhh...idk maybe staying in and watching a movie. like not at a theater no one needs to know my business like that but like. at a House. whoever’s, I’m not picky, again ideally I just want to hold hands.

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date?

yes. literally if the first thing u do is kiss me I am okay with it. I’m 23 someone just take the shot and kiss me already I’m going crazy over here

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to? 

really looking forward to the holidays personally I got everyone some really good gifts this year and I can’t wait to hand them out. also my copy of 13 storeys is supposed to finally ship out this week, for real this time! so that’s exciting too

violet rose; what does your dream house look like? 

u know that idealized house with the yellow paint and the white trim? yes. just small and cute and homey

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down? 

I guess not?? I’d like to be somewhere near my mom bc she’s important to me but like. as long as I’m living with someone I love it doesn’t really matter where I don’t think

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down?

uh. settling down to me equates to like falling in love and living together so honestly that could happen any time. I need to get a job before we live together so I can like Help Out but like. really any time

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

I have not been to a lot of places! I’ve been to new york, and san diego, and like. phoenix outside of where I live so. actually if I can include like buildings in places I would like to say that one opera house I went to in new york. I learned I wasn’t a fan of operas BUT I also learned those chandeliers were cool as hell

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it?

I’m usually in a good mood, I think? my baseline mood is genuinely just like. happy/chill, pero I think the last time I felt Euphoria (tm) was a couple days ago when my mom and I made a really nice dinner together and my brother was there and we just played board games all night

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember?

I have this recurring habit of waking up from dreams but only barely so when I fall back asleep it feels like I just woke up within the dream? anyway the last one was like that but in one of the times I ‘woke up’ I looked out the window and instead of outside there was like this. static photo of buffalo grazing in open fields?? and it was like green screened kinda, so when I move the image moved with my line of sight it was weird. that’s how I knew it was a dream and woke myself up again, only to immediately fall back asleep and feel like I was waking up from a dream within a dream again

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each?

I think living with friends would be cool. like I want to have a significant other I live with but also if we lived with other friends that would be fun. kids, maybe! would be something I’d have to discuss with whatever partner I have in the future. if yes to kids, max two. also I don't want babies, preferably I would adopt older children. pets absolutely, however many doesn’t matter. I’m open to just living in a house with the love of my life and like twelve dogs, that’s ok with me

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could?

I do like my name! I think it’s nice and it feels like it fits me. I don’t think I’d change it ever, but if I did I think maybe I’d go with jude bc yes I do love to project <3

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent?

it’s a tie between suntan lotion and the lumber aisle of any hardware store

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any?

vanilla rooibos tea supremacy!

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant?

lots of flowers, first of all. also some kitchen herbs. maybe some fruits!

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog?

yes <3 I want to force people to listen to my pretentious horror opinions and get paid for it

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

look I just have to say it: I’m hot. last night I took a photo and saw my nose from the side and went “omg who IS she” like it’s cute. I’M cute. I’ve seen my ass in the mirror and nothing can top it, sorry

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?

all I’m getting is those scenes from horror movies where eerie whistling starts and like birds start going crazy

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better?

I think so?? I’d like to be more financially secure, pero. I think for the most part yeah I’m alright

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

ireland and greece for sure, ireland is the one I have most planned out in my head. ig maybe england for the third one, just bc I know my mom wants to go and also I’m very bad at geography so I don’t know what counts as a country. I had to look all these up, I do want to visit them tho, genuinely! esp ireland

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn?

the one I’m most fluent in is spanish! and I’m still cracking along at russian, currently I can hold a conversation with like a 4 year old and we can understand each other, it’s pretty cool. I really wanna get into learning irish!! I have a few resources downloaded onto my phone I just haven’t gotten around to it yet

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book?

a little life <3 yes I hate it when things are sad just to be sad yes this is my favorite book I contain multitudes

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh?

the burbs! I’ve seen it so many times but it always hits

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself?

the day IS over it’s like two thirty am now but uh. drink some water before I sleep probably

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent?

I post the “kirby’s fucking pissed” meme on twitter and then I ask u (robin) if I can yell for like five minutes and then I feel valid and then I am normal again

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic?

it’s a little bit jock and it’s a little bit 1980s skater boy but the best way I can really Describe it is just “gay��

Feelings On Safety (Part 2) (Branjie)- Ortega

a/n: i actually wrote a part 2 to Your Move??? who is she??? i loved the verse i made for these two a lot so when people wanted more i did not at all mind writing it. thank u all for the amazing response to Your Move and i hope u like this as much as u did the first part!!! i feel like u benefit from reading Your Move first but i guess this could be read standalone too?? idk do what u like (Title from Trip by Ella Mai. i listened to so so much Ella Mai writing all this i’m so in my feelings rn)

Summary: Brooke is not falling for her secretary, despite what Detox is telling her. She only wants to be with her every hour of the day, treat her to nice things, make her laugh and maybe sort of make her her girlfriend. Shit, maybe Detox is right after all.

***

Brooke was fucked. Both physically and mentally.

She hadn’t really known when sleeping with Vanessa had become such a regular thing- after the first time she’d felt awkward, she hadn’t known how to play it, and she hadn’t known how Vanessa had felt about things so instead of asking her like a normal human being, Brooke had avoided her instead. That was until around five days later when Vanessa basically locked them both in her office and demanded to know why she was getting avoided as if she had herpes or something, and Brooke stuttered everything out in a completely flustered and very un-Brooke way. Vanessa had watched with a slightly open mouth and a surprised sense of amusement until Brooke was finished verbalising all that she’d been worrying about, and then she’d crossed around to behind Brooke’s desk, sitting on her lap gently and bringing every searing hot memory to the forefront of Brooke’s head.

“Look,” Vanessa had said matter-of-factly, bringing her hands up to cup Brooke’s jaw so that she had no choice but to lock eyes with her. “Did you like fuckin’ me?”

“Oh God,” Brooke had looked away in embarrassment and laughed. “Vanessa, it’s 9.15.”

“Bitch, just answer the question! Did you like it when I let you pin me to the ground and ride my face? Did you like bending me over your desk and spanking and fingering me?”

“Oh Jesus,” Brooke exhaled. She’d missed hearing Vanessa talk like that, her voice all low and sultry and answering her own question for her. “Fuck yes, I liked it.”

Vanessa had smiled. “Do you want to do it again?”

Brooke remembers darting her eyes from Vanessa’s own quickly down to her red painted lips and back up again. She had nodded once, and Vanessa had leaned in and pressed a small kiss to her lips.

“So that’s all that matters. You liked it, I liked it. We both want round two. We know where we both are now so why are we puttin’ up a front about it?”

And after that Brooke had put her arms around Vanessa and pulled her close, kissing her all needy and desperate, and Brooke hadn’t known what she’d been worrying about at all. That had been the second time, and since then there’d been a third and a fourth and a fifth, until Brooke had very nearly lost count. She knew they’d been at it for about a month, which was probably a long time, but for Brooke it had gone by quicker than anything.

But there was only so much sex you could have with somebody before you started developing feelings, and Brooke knew that. If she was being honest, she’d been feeling things that were more than lust for her for quite a while now, and Brooke didn’t really know what to do. Every time Brooke deadpanned something sarcastic about a client she felt a sense of achievement whenever Vanessa laughed, crinkling up her nose and flashing her bright white teeth. Or after they were finished and they were both lying on the rug exhausted, Brooke remembers the first time that Vanessa rolled over, put her head on Brooke’s chest and threw an arm around her waist, and Brooke’s heart had felt like a bubble that was seconds away from popping. The trouble was, how did she breach that topic with Vanessa?

Brooke decided to start small. It was a Friday, and everyone in the office was in a good mood. The week had seemed long, and everyone was excited to go home. Lots of people were leaving early, so when Vanessa bounded into Brooke’s office at half past four, she was excited.

“I think we could be in luck tonight, Ms. Brooke,” she beamed, Brooke wanting to laugh at the now-unnecessary formality. “This place is gonna be dead by quarter to five, and then it’s gonna be just us!”

Brooke smiled at her from her position at her filing cabinet where she’d been putting cases away, her heart lifting at the little phrase Vanessa had used at the end which made her happier than the other girl would know. Still, part of her was scared for what she was going to propose. “Yeah, I wanted to talk about that, actually-”

“Oh. Okay,” Vanessa’s face dropped, her body language instantly disappointed. She gave a sad smile. “You wanna stop all of this, huh?”

“Oh, fuck no!” Brooke replied instantly, the other girl looking so defeated that Brooke wanted to wrap her up in a hug. She was so pleased when Vanessa perked up again, her expression turning happy and curious all at once. Brooke grew nervous. “I just thought…you know, there’s only so much comfort that my office can actually provide. And my flat has like…soft furnishings and stuff.”

Vanessa burst out in a laugh that ripped through the room. “Soft furnishings, bitch what the fuck?! Just say bed. Or couch. Who d’ya think you’re talking with, the queen of fuckin’ England?”

“Definitely not,” Brooke raised an eyebrow. She let the filing cabinet drawer roll shut as she crossed over to where Vanessa had taken a seat. She was still giggling. “Hey. Stop laughing at me, bitch.”

Vanessa bit her lip, trying to hide her smirk. “Or what? You gon’ shut me up?”

Brooke felt like a spring that was beginning to be slowly wound up. She loved what Vanessa could do to her in just a few words. “That mouth’s going to be busy doing something else if you don’t watch it.”

“Like what, eatin’ that pussy out?”

Brooke threw her head back and gave a soft laugh, her hands playing with the hem of her skirt impatiently. “Fuck, there’s never any nuance with you, is there?”

Vanessa ran her tongue along her teeth and smiled as she shook her head. Brooke sighed needily. “Mm, I can’t wait.”

Vanessa frowned in mock-disapproval, tutting gently. “You’re whinier than I am today, Mami.”

“Fuck, stop it. You know what that does to me,” Brooke moaned. She really desperately wanted Vanessa- the week had been long and she’d been too caught up in her caseload to do anything with her- but she also wanted to have her back to her flat, so she decided to gently ask Vanessa again. “So uh…would you want to come round to mine? You know, just so we have a bed.”

Her heart felt like it was in her mouth as Vanessa smirked quietly back at her. She waited for the inevitable rejection, the narrowed eyes and the questioning why, but none of those came. Instead, the smirk broke into a smile and Vanessa shrugged. “Sure. I’d like that.”

Brooke felt a tidal wave of relief wash over her. It was only a small step forward, but they weren’t going to go from casual sex to in love in the space of one conversation. “Amazing. Give me five minutes to finish up here, then we can go.”

So that was how Brooke ended up driving Vanessa back to her apartment, a nervous flutter in her chest as Vanessa sang softly along to whatever was on the radio. They talked easily with each other about little things, Brooke telling Vanessa about her clients and Vanessa laughing, or gasping in shock, or ranting about how much of a cunt somebody was. Brooke was happy that Vanessa didn’t mind her venting, and she hadn’t realised she was still talking until she had walked out the elevator and reached her own front door.

“Sorry,” she said, self-conscious. “I hadn’t realised I’d been ranting so much.”

Vanessa frowned. “Don’t apologise. It’s important to you.”

Brooke’s heart felt all warm and glowing as they shared a smile, only breaking it when she pushed down on the handle and was met by a deafening series of beeping noises that cut through the moment.

“Fuck, what is that?!” Vanessa yelled, holding her ears comically. Brooke hissed as she dashed inside, stabbing at the security system she’d still not managed to get the hang of yet.

“Shit, sorry, sorry, sorry,” she said anxiously, growing frustrated as she pressed button after button with her long talons. “Come on, fuck.”

“Bitch can you hurry it up a little? It ain’t playin’ one of Beethoven’s sympathies, get it movin’!”

Finally, mercifully, Brooke keyed in four numbers and the racket stopped. Registering what Vanessa had said, she turned and smiled at her affectionately. “Symphonies.”

Vanessa looked confused. “What did I say?”

“Sympathies.”

The other girl snorted, shaking her head. “Fuck. Well, are you gonna invite me in?”

The nerves flaring up again, Brooke gestured for her to come inside and watched as Vanessa stepped in, her heels clacking softly against the black marble floor and her eyes wide as they darted about and took everything in. For Brooke it was just where she lived, but she felt suddenly embarrassed at the opulence of everything around her. For Brooke, it had been for convenience’s sake- she hadn’t had the time to sit and work out where to pick up furniture or flooring or wallpaper for her new place so she’d hired an interior designer to do it all for her. It was all marble and dark wood panels and white fluffy throws and rugs, and Vanessa walked down the hallway slowly, as if she was dreaming. She stopped as she came to the living room, and Brooke followed behind her anxiously, wondering if she’d made a mistake bringing Vanessa here.

Brooke watched as Vanessa walked past the two white couches, the tall, dark wood bookcase and the coal fire, and stood at the huge floor-to-ceiling windows with wide eyes, taking everything in. She finally turned around and smiled softly at Brooke.

“Wow. So this is like my Julia Roberts Pretty Woman moment, right?” she laughed gently, visibly overwhelmed.

“Sorry,” Brooke said, without really knowing what she was apologising for. Vanessa cocked her head inquisitively like a little bird, giving a laugh.

“Why? It’s beautiful. Don’t go all coy on me now, Ms. Brooke,” she smiled, shrugging off her pink fake fur coat. For a second she looked awkward as if she didn’t know where to put it, and so Brooke crossed the floor and took it from her gently.

“I like this, by the way,” Brooke said thoughtfully, stroking the material on the outside. It made Vanessa look like a cute little Barbie doll, which she loved. Vanessa smiled shyly.

“It’s probably not…I don’t know…the standard you would buy.”

Brooke rolled her eyes and snorted. “Vanessa, I can’t even remember the last time I bought myself new clothes.”

Vanessa smiled, taking two steps towards Brooke and standing on tiptoe slightly as she leaned into the other woman. “Hmm. I think you look better without any on, anyway.”

Brooke gave a little murmur, draping Vanessa’s coat over the headboard of her couch before turning back to her. “You think that’s when I look best, yeah?”

“No, you look best when you’re naked and on top of me,” Vanessa purred, smiling naughtily before leaning in to kiss Brooke lightly once, twice, then deeply with her hands tangled in Brooke’s hair as Brooke eventually pulled away and led her to her bedroom, her heart pounding in her chest.

The sex had once again been amazing, minute after minute of complete unfiltered lust, and Brooke decided that inviting Vanessa back had been the best decision she’d ever made in her life. As her afterglow hit, she turned and threw her arm over Vanessa who rolled over, smiled, and laced her fingers with hers in a surprisingly intimate gesture that made Brooke’s heart melt.

“That was fun,” Vanessa said, her voice even more gravelly than usual. “You gon’ tell me how a well-educated Harvard grad learns to talk so nasty? Or is that part of the curriculum?”

“Oh, stop it,” Brooke rolled her eyes, reaching back and hitting Vanessa with a pillow in embarrassment. The other girl laughed loudly as she curled herself up into a ball, Brooke thumping her a couple more times before her arm got tired and she threw the pillow away in exhaustion. As her laughter died down, Vanessa gave a sort of contented sigh before she sat up in bed.

“Well, as amazing as that was…I guess I’d better leave now,” she shrugged a little, peering down the side of Brooke’s bed and quickly pulling her underwear on. Confused and a little sleepy, Brooke sat up.

“Oh no, I mean…don’t feel like you have to leave,” she stammered out slightly, wanting to hit herself for how pathetic and needy she sounded. Her worst fears came true as Vanessa smiled at her sadly.

“No, it’s okay, honestly. Thank you for having me round your lovely home,” she said quietly, the humble tone in her voice making Brooke want to scoop her up, take her in her arms and never let go of her. Brooke watched as Vanessa left for a moment and returned with her coat and her heels back on. She awkwardly stuck her head back in the door and gave a little wave.

“Bye, Brooke,” she said quickly, before ducking back out of the doorframe and walking back down the hall, where the front door clicked softly shut behind her.

Brooke. Not with a Ms. attached to it, not a ma’am, not anything else. Just her name on Vanessa’s lips, and even though the day hadn’t ended like Brooke had hoped, this had to be a good sign, surely?

***

On Monday morning, before work, Brooke went to Michael Kors and dropped $425 on a pink, faux fur coat without even so much as batting an eye. In any normal, rational situation, and if the coat had been for her, Brooke would have agonised over the decision for ages- would she get enough wear out of it, was it really worth it, did she have one like it already- but since it was for Vanessa, Brooke made the entire transaction as if she was under a spell. That was kind of how she felt whenever she was with Vanessa, or even thinking about her- enchanted, entranced, and completely and utterly irrational.

As she arrived at work, she had already planned how she was going to pitch things to Vanessa. Of course she’d bought the coat just for her, but that was going to seem fucking weird if she admitted it, especially when she didn’t even know if Vanessa had feelings for her or not yet. So as she walked towards her office and Vanessa’s desk, she slipped the box that the coat came in into an old, battered plastic bag and rehearsed what she would say in her head.

Vanessa spoke first, her eyes lighting up as she saw Brooke. “Hey! Morning, Ms. Brooke. How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you? Did you get home okay on Friday?”

“Mhm. Slept so good afterwards as well,” Vanessa smiled lazily, stretching up to the ceiling. Brooke self-indulgently allowed herself to imagine waking up next to Vanessa on a rainy day and getting to hold her close and make her coffee and bring her breakfast. Fuck, now she was getting delusional. Completely smitten, Brooke put the bag on top of Vanessa’s desk as she spoke.

“Before I forget- remember the other night when we were talking about that coat you have? Well, I was just going through my closet this morning when I remembered, I actually do have one exactly like it,” she said, trying to keep her tone nonchalant and avoid Vanessa’s eyes as she slipped the bag off the box. “It got me thinking- I never actually wear it, and it’s still got all the tags on, so I thought you might get more wear out of it than I do.”

Brooke finally looked at the other girl, who had opened the box and was gazing at what was inside with her mouth slightly open and her eyes wide. Brooke watched as Vanessa lifted the coat up to see it and then put it back down, running her fingers over the fur in disbelief. Vanessa picked out the tags against the label and frowned as she looked at them.

“Brooke,” she began, and Brooke’s heart jumped as she heard her name with nothing attached to it again. “This is Michael Kors.”

“Yeah?”

Vanessa frowned at her. “Well like…how much do you want for it? Because I don’t even know if I could stretch to two hundred this month, I got my phone bill coming soon and it’s already, like-”

“Vanessa,” Brooke interrupted, smiling and trying to hide her nerves. “You don’t…you don’t have to…uh. Just take it.”

Vanessa burst out a laugh, then screwed her face up as she looked at Brooke. “Wait. You’re serious, aren’t you?”

Brooke was now so nervous that she didn’t trust herself to speak, so she just nodded. In haste, she added, “I mean, if you don’t like it I can just give it to charity, or sell it on Craigslist or…whatever.”

Vanessa smiled at Brooke as if she was an idiot. “Sell it on Craigslist, oh my fuckin’ God. I mean, no, I love it. If you’re sure I can just…take it?”

Brooke nodded shyly again. Vanessa gave a little exhale, raising her eyebrows. Finally, she looked up at Brooke and smiled. “Thank you so much, Ms. Brooke. I mean it. That’s real sweet of you.”

“Oh no, don’t worry about it! As I say, I didn’t get much use out of it anyway,” Brooke smiled back, so happy her gift had been well received. She awkwardly shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “I guess I’d better get to work. But, uh, hey. Do you want to come round again tonight?”

“I can’t tonight, I’m getting my nails did,” Vanessa pouted. “Can we do tomorrow?”

“Sounds good. See you later,” Brooke gave a little wave and disappeared into her office. Sitting at her desk, she smiled as she watched Vanessa take the coat out of the box again, smile, hug it to her chest, and drape it over the back of her chair. Brooke didn’t have long to bask in her satisfaction- she had a firm meeting this morning and she needed to gather what she needed for that, but she couldn’t help looking at Vanessa through the blinds and allowing her heart to swell up, wondering if Vanessa’s was too.

Her contentedness lasted all of about ten minutes when Detox came barging through her office door and practically launched herself into the chair opposite Brooke before she could say “Hey, girl”.

“Okay, spill,” she suddenly said, Brooke’s heart giving a small jump but keeping herself cool.

“On aisle three? What the hell are you talking about, girl?” Brooke shook her head, clicking at something on her laptop and avoiding her friend’s gaze. She could hear Detox’s voice- faux-inquisitive, as if she already had all the answers.

“I just think it’s funny how your secretary is out there with a new coat. Never seen her wear it before. Obviously looks very expensive. Did she, I don’t know…come into some money, or something?”

“Fuck would I know, why are you asking me?” Brooke kept her tone detached, although a sense of dread was beginning to creep up on her. She finally looked at Detox, who had the biggest, largest, shit-eating grin on her face.

“Well, I don’t know, I thought you might know a little bit about it since, when I complimented her on it out there, she told me it was you that gave it to her.”

“Yeah, and what? It was an old coat, I never wear it, I gave it to her because she has one similar,” Brooke brushed her off, getting up to file something away.

“An old coat? How old was it, ten fuckin’ minutes? Because I know,” Brooke turned around to look at her friend, who had narrowed her eyes at her. “that that coat is from the current Michael Kors Spring/Summer collection, which only arrived in stores yesterday.”

Brooke’s mouth suddenly felt very dry. She said nothing as Detox paused, then carried on. “Now, I’m just wondering, Brooke…why would a lawyer buy her secretary a brand new five hundred dollar coat? And I’ve been going over it and over it in my mind and the only possible conclusion I can come to…is that you’re pussy whipped.”

Brooke looked at her friend, blinked, then frowned. “It was $425, actually.”

“You SON OF A BITCH-” Detox screamed, laughing as Brooke rushed across the room to shush her. “You are! You actually are, aren’t you? Oh my FUCKING God, this is the best day of my life. This is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Brooke Lynn Hytes is fucking her secretary. Oh my God.”

“Shut up, Jesus. It’s not a big deal.”

“NOT A BIG DEAL?! Oh my fuck- now, we can’t be talking a one-time thing, B, not if you’re buying her gifts and shit. How long?” Detox asked her excitedly, her eyes sparkling.

“I don’t know, like a month?”

“A FUCKING MONTH!” Detox screeched again, Brooke terrified that she would have the whole floor outside their door in a matter of minutes.

“D, you cannot tell anybody, I swear to God,” Brooke hissed, agonised.

“Why not, bitch? It’s not illegal. You’re not gonna get fired. We all know Frank from accounts has been having an affair with Ariel, jeez. That’s far worse.”

“Yeah, but…” Brooke frowned, trying to verbalise her feelings and realising they made her sound pathetic. She sighed deeply before she spoke. “If this gets around the office, then it’s just going to seem really seedy and weird and..I don’t want Vanessa to get embarrassed and to think she’s some cheap fucking Bratz doll because she’s actually a really fucking beautiful person and I…I really don’t want to fuck things up with her, okay?”

Brooke blushed as Detox laughed and grabbed her hand. “Aww, that is adorable. Fuck, it just gets better. Not only is Brooke Lynn Hytes fucking her secretary, not only is she a fucking Sugar Mommy to her secretary, but she is actually falling in love with her secretary. Jesus fuck, this is going to be the hardest secret to keep since I found out Paul hires hookers every Saturday.”

“I am not her fucking Sugar Mama, I got her one gift. Jesus Christ, D,” Brooke rolled her eyes as she grabbed her briefcase and made for the door. Stopping, she turned around. “Wait, what was that about Paul?”

Lying in bed that night, she felt as if her heart was never going to stop beating as fast as it did whenever she thought about Vanessa. Detox was being a dick- she wasn’t falling in love with her, that was dumb, they barely knew each other- but she desperately wanted to make things work with the girl. Still unable to stop thinking about her, Brooke rolled over in bed (which she hadn’t yet changed the covers of and never really wanted to), grabbed her phone from its charger, then typed a text to Vanessa without even thinking.

B: Hope you had a good day today. Sorry I never got to talk much :( Glad you liked the coat x

Within a few minutes there was a reply, Brooke smiling without even realising at the knowledge that Vanessa was up late too, and she couldn’t help but wonder if she was up thinking about her.

V: my day was great thanks for asking!!! dont worry we can talk loads tomorrow night xo im actually wearing the coat right now if u wanna see xo

Brooke bit her lip as she threw one leg over the other and rolled over in bed, hoping this conversation was about to go the way she thought it was going. She texted Vanessa a simple yes and waited impatiently as she rubbed her thighs together, her heart leaping as a photo came almost instantly. As Brooke opened the message, she moaned as the picture filled the screen of Vanessa lying on top of her bed with the coat on but clearly nothing else, her golden hair fanned out on the pillow, and her perfect legs stretched out so that Brooke could see she’d kept her heels on.

B: Fuck, this is how I want you tomorrow night    

V: okay Mami xo

“Jesus,” Brooke breathed, teasing herself with her fingers as she stared at the picture and thought about her reply. Suddenly, another message came through.

V: are u touching yourself right now Brooke xo

There was her fucking name again, typed out and on the screen in front of her, and in that moment it was the sexiest thing she’d ever been sent.

B: You know I am

V: well stop. ur not allowed to until u see me tomorrow xo

Brooke frowned.

B: Is that a joke?

V: i’m not playing, baby xo

“Oh, fuck this,” Brooke hissed, frustrated and defiantly moving her fingers underneath the silk of her pyjamas as she looked up Vanessa’s name in her contacts and phoned her.

The bitch had the audacity to pick up after four rings. “Hi, Mami.”  

“What the hell are you playing at, you fucking tease, sending me that and telling me I’m not allowed to get off to it?” she hissed, her breathing all jagged as she felt how wet she was.

Vanessa’s tone came down the line all playful and mocking. “Is that any way to speak to your baby, Ms. Brooke?”

Brooke felt as if she was slowly melting with every word Vanessa spoke. She felt herself whine down the phone. “No, but it’s not fair. I mean, are you touching yourself?”

“Fuck yeah, I’m touching myself, imaginin’ you all hot and wet and frustrated and not bein’ able to have my tongue on you until tomorrow.” Vanessa’s voice was all breathy down the line, the end of her sentence punctuated by a little gasp that made Brooke buck her hips and moan suddenly. Vanessa’s voice came back down the line, stern. “I can hear you touching yourself, you fuckin’ whore. Tell me how wet you are.”

“Fuck, so wet, Mami,” Brooke gasped, shocking herself a little as she used that name she’d thought Vanessa had just reserved for her. She didn’t really know how Vanessa would react to it. If it was anything like the effect it had on her, then Brooke was about to use it a whole lot more often. She was rewarded with a breathy giggle and a sigh down the line.

“Be a good girl and take your hand out your pants.”

Brooke felt herself let out a pathetic sob as she wrenched her hand away. She didn’t know whether she would kiss Vanessa tomorrow or kill her. “Vanessa you drop this act and let me cum right now or I swear to God I’ll spank you so hard tomorrow you won’t be able to sit right for a month.”

Brooke heard Vanessa laugh down the phone. “Fuck, Mami, you know I like it when you talk to me like that.”

Brooke whined, guiltily trailing her hand back down between her thighs. Vanessa’s voice came sharp down the line.

“Brooke, you keep on touchin’ yourself like that and that picture is the only thing you’re gettin’ from me for the next week, and I’m serious,” Vanessa growled, Brooke rolling over helplessly in bed as she finally understood why Vanessa liked her speaking to her all authoritatively, and not being able to touch herself was pure torture.

“Fuck, you’re such a bitch,” she whined, tearing a hand through her hair as Vanessa laughed.

“Stop whinin’ and tell me how much you want me.”

“I want you so bad, Vanessa,” Brooke breathed, her heart feeling like it was about to give out.

“Tell me how much you’re going to punish me tomorrow for doin’ you like this.”

Brooke’s mind felt it was short-circuiting as she spoke, unsure if anything she was saying was making any sense. “I’m not even going to touch you. You’re going to have to fuck me and eat me out and make me cum hard, and I swear to God, Vanessa, it better be the best orgasm I’ve ever had in my fucking life or you’re getting put in my car and dropped off home, all dripping wet like a bad, dirty little slut, and you’re going to have to deal with what I did to you on your own.”

“Fuck, baby,” Vanessa’s voice was hot and urgent down the line, and with a pang of jealousy Brooke could tell she was close. A small, evil little part of her realised she held a lot of power in this moment. She deliberately yawned slowly and affected tiredness in her voice.

“You know what, actually, it’s getting pretty late…I should probably hang up-”

“Oh fuck, no, no, no-”

“Beg me.”

“Ay, fuck, pretty please Mami, please, please, por favor, Mami, me lo merezco, please-”

As Vanessa descended into desperate, feverish Spanish, Brooke cut off the call with a delicious sense of satisfaction. Returning her phone to its charger and jumping out of bed to take a freezing cold shower before she went to sleep, she decided that those $425 had been worth every penny.

***

The marble floor was freezing under Brooke’s bare feet as she carried two glasses of icy water through to the bedroom. The shock of going from the boiling hot bed into the chill of her flat had sobered Brooke up a little, and previously she’d been drunk on lust and a little bit of something that could be more. When her feet hit the soft cream carpet it was a welcome relief, and she quickly padded back over to the bed to where Vanessa lay staring, unblinking, at the ceiling as if she was under a spell.

“Here,” Brooke said gently, as she slipped under the covers and handed Vanessa one of the glasses. The other girl stirred a little, sitting up and fluffing a couple of pillows as she gratefully took one of the glasses and drank a huge gulp of water.

“Fuck. Don’t think I’ll need to go to the gym tonight after that,” she laughed quietly, moving to place the glass down on Brooke’s bedside table then stopping suddenly, her eyes darting around. Brooke suddenly realised what it was she was looking for and laughed.

“Don’t worry about coasters, just put the damn thing down.”

Doing as she was told, Vanessa put the glass down and then sank back under the covers, the two of them laying there silently for a moment. Brooke wanted so much to reach out and take Vanessa’s hand, but she also didn’t want to move unless the whole moment was a dream. Suddenly, she became aware that Vanessa had said something and was looking at Brooke for a reaction. Her face was calm and serene, and it made Brooke wish she had heard her the first time.

“What?”

Her heart fell as Vanessa looked down sheepishly, a light blush hitting her cheeks. “Nothing. Don’t worry ‘bout it.”

Brooke could have pushed her for an answer, but something made her decide against it. Instead, she decided to take another leap. “Hey. You want to order food?”

Vanessa perked up and smiled, nodding enthusiastically.

“Can we get a big fuckin’ messy burrito? Aw wait,” she frowned, glancing at the huge marble clock built into the wall. She turned to Brooke and shrugged. “I should probably get goin’, huh.”

Brooke bit her lip. “You could, or…you could just stay here.”

Vanessa turned to Brooke and looked a little disbelieving. “Really?”

Brooke shrugged and nodded, wanting with every fibre of her being to stay chilled out and neutral despite the fact all of her was screaming silently for Vanessa to say yes. Vanessa smiled gently, reaching across the bed and resting her hand on top of Brooke’s. “That would be nice.”

That night, they hardly moved from the bed. They ordered burritos, like Vanessa had wanted, and watched whatever film had been on TV at the time, talking about little details of their lives that neither of them had known about the other before. When it got to midnight, Brooke realised they had said they would go to sleep an hour ago, but neither of them had been able to keep that promise, too intent on staying up and talking or kissing each other with every lull in conversation. When she saw the time, Brooke sighed in the darkness, pulling Vanessa in close to her.

“We should go to sleep, baby,” she yawned, kissing Vanessa’s neck lightly and wishing that time could stand still. Vanessa squirmed a little in Brooke’s arms as she got comfortable and swept her hair over her shoulder.

“Brooke, I meant to ask,” Vanessa murmured sleepily, and Brooke felt the sudden question make her hang by a thread. “Are we, uh…I mean. Are you thinking we should be exclusive or nah?”

Brooke suddenly tensed up, and she felt Vanessa grow tense underneath her as well. Why was she asking that? Did she want to be exclusive? Is that what she was asking? Or was she afraid of it, only asking when the lights were off and when Brooke couldn’t see her face or her reaction? She gave her another option too- or nah, giving herself an easy out. As Brooke frantically thought about it more and more in the seconds that followed Vanessa’s question, she had managed to completely convince herself that Vanessa absolutely hated the idea of a relationship with her and slightly breaking her own heart in the process.

“Brooke?”

Brooke swallowed. “Uh, no, I mean…we don’t have to be, I mean let’s not put a label on it. Go out with whoever you want, you know. That kind of thing doesn’t bother me, I’m not a jealous kind of person.”

She didn’t know if she’d imagined it, but she felt like Vanessa relaxed in her arms. It felt like a stab to the gut.

***

The plus side to Vanessa staying over was that she had to borrow some of Brooke’s work clothes for the next day, and seeing Vanessa in her own navy pant suit had made Brooke want to immediately tear it off her again. They’d talked and laughed on the way into work as they usually did, Brooke trying to ignore the nagging feeling in her stomach that she’d made a terrible mistake not immediately seizing the chance to make her her girlfriend.

The down side to Vanessa staying over and wearing Brooke’s pant suit was that Detox crashed through her office door around fifteen minutes after she arrived at work, excitedly pointing out to where Vanessa sat on the phone, oblivious.

“WHY is your secretary wearing your clothes?” Detox whisper-screamed, launching herself forward to grip Brooke’s arm.

“Oh, fuck off, D, are you really going to make me say it?”

“Fuck yes I am!”

Brooke rolled her eyes. “Vanessa is wearing my clothes because she stayed over last night, Detox.”

“Fuck me with a baguette, this is the best day ever and it’s only 9.15,” Detox sighed, crashing down into Brooke’s chair as she watched her busy herself around the office. “So when are you asking her on a proper date?”

“Do you not have a caseload to be working on, or am I the only one around here that gets shit done?” Brooke scowled, not in any way in the mood for talking about her and Vanessa considering she’d just blown the whole thing.

“Excuse me, I finished all my cases last week! My new client doesn’t get here til 10. Jeez, what’s got you so touchy?”

Brooke sighed, slamming a huge lever-arch folder into a bookcase. “Vanessa asked me if we should be exclusive last night and I said no.”

“You absolute fucking grade A idiot,” Detox frowned, fixing Brooke with a look of disapproval. “What the hell did you do that for?”

“I don’t know!” Brooke exhaled loudly, tearing a hand through her hair. “It sounded like she was asking me because she didn’t want to be like that with me. So I panicked. I wanted to reassure her.”

“But fuck what you want, right? Look, Brooke, I haven’t seen you this happy since…well, maybe ever. And I also know that you don’t give up easy. At least, you normally don’t, but right now you’re like a kitten in a sock on a freeway and you’ve just accepted your fate.”

“Okay, what’s your advice, Dr fucking Phil?” Brooke raised an eyebrow at her.

“Exclusivity doesn’t matter at this stage, right? I mean, you’ve not even been on a date. So, that’s what you should do.”

“What, ask her on a date?”

“No, yeet yourself off Brooklyn Bridge in a pair of Heelys, fuck yes ask her on a date!” Detox became impassioned, slamming Brooke’s desk and quickly shutting herself up as her eyes darted to the door. Brooke’s heart stopped as Vanessa came in, smiling apologetically and holding a small sticky note.

“Sorry to interrupt- hi, Ms. Detox,” she said softly. “Mr. Blake phoned to cancel his appointment today, he’s got shingles.”

“Hah! Shingles. Is that what they’re calling a hangover these days,” Detox piped up. Vanessa smiled politely then carried on.

“I also wanted to ask, Ms. Brooke, am I able to leave early next Monday night? Like half an hour or so,” Vanessa asked her, darting her eyes to Detox as if she was wishing she wasn’t there.

“Uh, that’s fine, yeah,” Brooke shrugged, distracted by everything going on in her head. “What for?”

Vanessa looked startled, as if the question had been unexpected. “Oh, uh…just a doctor’s appointment, you know.”

“BULLSHIT!” Detox suddenly exploded, scaring them both. “All the doctor’s surgeries close at 4, so leaving at half 4 wouldn’t get you shit. Half 4 is like, prime nail and hair appointment times. The question is…who are you getting your hair and nails done for, Vanessa?”

Brooke narrowed her eyes at her friend as she watched Vanessa laugh awkwardly and blush. “Detox, for fuck’s sake. She doesn’t have to tell you-”

“I’m going on a date, actually,” Vanessa said casually, making Brooke’s whole world stop, freeze and shatter like ice. She was aware Vanessa was looking at her to gauge her reaction, and Brooke was trying her best not to look horrified, but she was aware she probably wasn’t doing a very good job of it.

“Oh. Cool! No, that’s…that’s fine. And I mean, it’s none of my business anyway, so-”

“That’s such a coincidence actually, because Brooke was just about to ask you something!” Detox smiled at Vanessa, then turned her head to look at Brooke patiently.

Brooke was going to slap the bitch. She fixed a fake smile to her face. “Gee, well, I would, Detox, but there’s a loud, obnoxious, LA whore in my office.”

Finally, mercifully, Detox smiled wickedly and slinked away out of the room, making sure to shut the door before retreating back down the corridor. It left the two of them alone together- Vanessa standing opposite Brooke, still gazing at her with interest.

“So, uh, what was that thing you were gonna ask me?” Vanessa scratched the back of her neck and looked to the floor, as if she was embarrassed.

“Well, uh,” Brooke started, equally as embarrassed but aware that she needed to find something to say. “I was, um. Going to ask you out too.”

Brooke’s heart gave a jump as she saw Vanessa’s face brighten up in surprise. “Oh!”

“Yeah, but, uh, you know, no big deal if you’re already going out with this other girl or guy or…whatever,” Brooke stammered her way through her sentence and watched as Vanessa’s smile grew bigger and bigger.

She laughed softly. “He’s a guy. His name is Nate.”

Brooke had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. Of course it fucking is. Breathing deeply, she shrugged and moved to sit behind her desk. “Cool. Like I say, it doesn’t matter if you’re already going out with him.”

“No, it’s okay. I mean, I can go out with you and I can go out with him. And I mean, it’s not as if you get jealous, right?” Vanessa commented offhandedly, a little sparkle in her eye sending a sudden flood of tension through the room, and Brooke wasn’t giving in to whatever Vanessa was doing.

“Exactly, yeah. So, uh, is that…”

Vanessa broke into a smile. “It’s a yes. I would like to go on a date with you.”

Brooke tried and failed to bite back a smile which burst out over her face. “Amazing! I mean, fine, yeah. It’s just casual, really, isn’t it?”

“It’s whatever you want it to be,” Vanessa instantly replied. Fuck, how was she so good with her words when Brooke felt like a melted puddle on the floor?

“Can we say, um…” Brooke pretended to look at the diary which she knew was empty. “Friday night?”

“Friday night is good,” Vanessa smiled, biting her lip.

“Good.”

“Good,” Vanessa replied, smiling and locking eyes with her before looking out to her desk where the phone was ringing. “I should go-”

“Yeah, sure,” Brooke nodded frantically, as Vanessa flashed her one last smile and rushed back out to her seat. Brooke hadn’t quite known what had just happened. There were so many things she was feeling, and they weren’t all positive (who the fuck walks around in this day and fucking age with a name like Nate) but she found her heart soaring as one main thought stuck in her mind.

I asked Vanessa on a date, and she said yes.

***

In the time it had taken for Brooke to push her finger to the buzzer at Vanessa’s flat and for Vanessa to appear at the bottom of her stairwell, a thousand thoughts had already seized the chance to run through Brooke’s mind and taunt her. Her outfit- a silk, emerald-green mid-length dress- was too much, and so was her makeup. Her hair looked ridiculous down, all long and wavy and in the way- she would book a haircut tomorrow. Vanessa had probably changed her mind about the entire night, and she was going to look ridiculous standing outside a slightly run-down apartment block in her evening wear. Why had she brought flowers? Vanessa probably didn’t even like lilies, and these were blue ones at that, Christ, what the fuck had she been thinking? The restaurant she’d chosen was too much. It was too opulent and would be too much for Vanessa and it’d intimidate her and she’d want to go home. Did she even like seafood? Fuck, was she allergic to seafood?! Would she be too polite to say she couldn’t have anything on the menu and end up eating a scallop and sending herself into anaphylactic shock?!

Brooke was near enough having a panic attack by the time the front door opened to reveal Vanessa, and what she was wearing only made Brooke ten times more nervous. She stood, visibly nervous, in tall sparkling gold heels, with a gold and silver dress that was dripping in a fringe of jewels to match. Her long hair was loose and wavy like Brooke’s, but hers managed to look so much better than Brooke’s own. Her makeup was beautiful, but Brooke felt she could have opened the door with a bare face and she’d still have looked perfect.

Brooke spoke first. “Hey. You look gorgeous.”

Vanessa scrunched her face up and laughed. “Comin’ from you. Jesus. I feel like a bag of garbage. Fuck, you’re so beautiful.”  

Brooke blushed, and Vanessa seemed to feel a little shy about her outburst as she blushed and looked to the ground. Straightening up, Brooke saw her take a deep breath. “Sorry. Should we, uh-”

“Sure! Oh-” Brooke nervously thrust the bouquet of flowers out in front of her, a bewildered Vanessa taking them in her arms. “These are for you. The colour’s kind of crazy, so you probably won’t like them, but none of the other flowers seemed to suit you, so…”

“The fuck is that meant to mean?” Vanessa laughed, as they reached Brooke’s car and she held the passenger door open for her. “What happened to a red rose or some shit?”

Brooke tilted her head as she tried to explain her reasoning. “Yeah, but they’re so…conventional and classic and very not you. I couldn’t get you any white flowers because that would imply some form of purity,” she raised an eyebrow and Vanessa gave a guilty little sultry laugh. “So I found these. But there isn’t really a flower that can describe you. There isn’t really anything that can describe you.”

Brooke locked eyes with the girl opposite the car to her, who was smiling with her cheeks flushed a little red, and she suddenly realised how intense she’d sounded. Suddenly, Vanessa laughed.

“No, I love them. Thank you. God, why we so nervous about this?” she exclaimed. “I mean most people usually go on a date and then fuck. We got the hard part out the way, this is s’posed to be easy.”

“Right,” Brooke laughed in reply, even though she wanted to tell Vanessa that she was wrong, that the sex was the easy part because they could throw up a front where the only language was touching and kissing and rough and gentle, and if they did speak it was a thousand times easier than anything she’d say tonight because calling the girl she cared so much about a whore and a slut and a bitch when they were under the covers and slick against each other was so much easier than telling her how Brooke actually felt about her.

But Brooke didn’t say all that, of course- she jumped into the car and motioned for Vanessa to join her and the two of them were off on their way to dinner, and Brooke’s nerves weren’t dissipating a single bit.

“So where are you takin’ me? All you said was dress fancy,” Vanessa asked, a little smile to her voice that calmed Brooke down only a little.

“It’s called Le Bernardin. Basically a seafood restaurant, but then I realised while I was waiting on you to come down that I never checked if you liked seafood or not, so if we end up eating McChickens in a car park somewhere then I’ll understand.”

Vanessa gave a little bark of laughter. “No, no don’t worry. I actually love seafood. So is this place like Red Lobster?”

Brooke stifled a laugh- they were about to go and eat from a two hundred and twenty five dollar tasting menu, and Vanessa would have been happy with Red Lobster. “Yeah, a little.”

It was only when Brooke had parked the car, walked with Vanessa into the restaurant, and been sat at their table for a few moments that Vanessa spoke up.

“Brooke,” she said with wide eyes, after having peeked at her menu. “This ain’t like Red Lobster at all, you know.”

Brooke spluttered a laugh, then had to stifle it as the sommelier approached their table. He reeled off all the different wine recommendations, Brooke having to bite the inside of her cheeks as she watched Vanessa’s face grow more and more incredulous with every word he spoke. As he finally reached the end of his spiel and asked Vanessa what she wanted to drink, she cast her eyes to the bar.

“Yeah, uhh, lemme get a French martini,” she said, leaning back in her chair. The sommelier cast a glance to Brooke, who smiled politely.

“Whatever the lady wants,” she smiled, Vanessa smiling back at her cheekily. Brooke ordered a bottle of champagne and watched with mirth as the sommelier walked away shaking his head.

“They got caviar here. Damn, this is a real nice place,” Vanessa said softly, looking at Brooke with concern. “I don’t really know how I’m gonna be able to-”

“Vanessa. I’m paying,” Brooke cut her off, holding her hand up to stop the other girl protesting. “It’s me taking you out on a date. So I’m the one that pays. Have literally whatever you want, I don’t give a fuck.”

Vanessa bit her lip and smiled. “It’s real nice of you to treat me to all this, Ms. Brooke. I won’t complain.”

“Well. You deserve nice things, so,” Brooke shrugged, sensing the shift in atmosphere as she made eye contact with the other girl. Suddenly, she broke it as a waitress appeared with their drinks, Vanessa’s eyes growing wide with delight as her martini appeared in front of her with a wedge of pineapple stuck at the side. They got two glasses of champagne poured, and Brooke held hers up to Vanessa’s.

“What are we toasting to?” she asked, Vanessa tilting her head in thought.

“It is cringey if we say us?”

“It’s not cringey, it’s nice,” Brooke smiled, touching their glasses together lightly. “To us, then.”

“To us,” Vanessa repeated shyly, Brooke amazed at how different she seemed already this evening, how nervous and quiet she was. It was such a change.

They passed much of the evening the same way, talking in dropped tones as if they were whispering. Vanessa ordered a seafood platter and caviar, just so she could say she’d tried it, and Brooke laughed as she took the tiny spoonful she’d been given and scrunched up her face. When her platter arrived, Brooke watched Vanessa look at the heads of the langoustines with interest, before showing her how to take them off. She was currently watching in slight awe as she shucked the oysters surprisingly well.

“It’s like a shot of fish. A fish shot,” Vanessa shrugged, giving Brooke the verdict on the oysters.

“Classy,” Brooke smirked, Vanessa sticking her tongue out at her in response.

“It’s a shame Detox couldn’t have been here. You should have invited her. Then again, she’s prolly outside with a huge cup pressed against the wall,” Vanessa suddenly said from nowhere, Brooke rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, sorry about her the other day. She’s an idiot, but she’s also my friend, so I guess I’m stuck with her,” Brooke pinched the bridge of her nose. Vanessa smiled.

“She’s sweet. So she knows about us then?” she said, clearly feigning disinterest. Brooke panicked.

“Yeah, but I made her promise not to tell anyone.”

Vanessa avoided Brooke’s eyes as she picked apart a clam. “Why, ‘cuz you’re ashamed of me?”

“What? No, Jesus, no. I just don’t want…” Brooke wanted to tell Vanessa everything, but her mouth wouldn’t allow the words to come out. “I don’t want the whole office knowing and chipping in their two cents all the time.”

To her relief, Vanessa didn’t seem offended. “That’s fair. Told my friends about you and that was bad enough.”

Brooke smiled. She liked the thought of Vanessa telling other people about her. “What did they say?”

Vanessa rolled her eyes. “So there’s Silky and Akeria. Silky basically screamed in my ear for a solid half hour. Bitch is nuts. Akeria was like fuckin’ Oprah tryin’ to get all the details. And I mean all the details.”  

“Like what?”

Vanessa raised an eyebrow and gave Brooke a wink. “You know exactly what.”

Brooke shifted in her seat. “Did you tell her?”

“What the fuck do you think, bitch? She got nothin’ from me. Give a girl some credit,” Vanessa rolled her eyes and jabbed a scallop with her fork.

The rest of the night passed by in a blur of champagne bubbles and hushed conversation, Brooke realising halfway through the evening that she had forgotten she’d taken her car, but it didn’t matter. She could get an Uber home, and as she paid the bill she realised with a pang that she didn’t really want the night to end. As the doorman grabbed their coats, Brooke felt a stab to her heart as Vanessa gave a little satisfied sigh, signalling that the night was over.

“Can’t believe you forgot you brought your car,” Vanessa laughed as Brooke finished up ordering her Uber.

“Are you sure you don’t want dropped off? We can go past your flat-”

“Nah, don’t worry. I can get the subway home, it’s not far. Well, thank you for a lovely time, Ms. Brooke,” she smiled, shrugging on her coat. “This was maybe the classiest first date I’ve ever been on.”

Brooke ran her tongue over her teeth as she got her own coat and opened the door for her, pausing until they were back out on the sidewalk to speak again. The evening was beginning to get dark but the streetlamps weren’t lit just yet, and the warmth from the day still hung heavy in the air. “So do I get to take you on a second?”

Vanessa pursed her lips in consideration, smiling playfully as she began to walk away from her. “I’ll need to think about it. Got a lot of demand, you know. Seeing this Nate on Monday. But this was fun, Ms. Brooke,” she said lightly as she turned around. “See you Monday.”

And as Vanessa began to walk away and Brooke saw her Uber pull up beside her, something inside her snapped and broke from all the tension. It was too much for her any more. Ignoring the car that began to toot its horn at her in frustration, Brooke ran as fast as she could to Vanessa, grabbed her hand and spun her round. The last thing she saw was Vanessa’s shocked face as she took her face in her hands and kissed her, rough and protective and jealous, and Vanessa must have been able to tell because Brooke could feel her smile against her lips as Vanessa brought a hand up to tangle in her hair.

As Brooke broke the kiss, she started speaking and wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to stop. “I was wrong. I was a fucking idiot, actually. I do get jealous. Well, I never thought I did, but I do. I can’t stand the thought of you with anyone else, kissing someone else, feeling some type of way about anyone else. And I’m frustrated it’s taken me this long to admit it because, what, I can tell you all the things I want you to do to me when we’re naked but I can’t tell you straight how I feel about you?”

Brooke was scared, frightened, terrified, all of that, but as she looked down she saw Vanessa’s eyes shining in the small amount of light they had on the street, and her smile beaming at her. She seemed so happy and it made Brooke wonder- had Vanessa wanted this all along? “I really fucking like you, Vanessa. That’s why I didn’t want Detox telling anyone about us, because if I fuck this up with you it’ll be the worst mistake I’ve made in my life and everyone would know, and I don’t want people thinking it’s just some fling between the lawyer and her secretary because fuck, I thought that was all it was too but then it just became so much more than that? It started to be about making you happy, and making you laugh, and getting to be close to you and spend time with you, and that scared me so much, you know? And that was why when you asked me if we should be exclusive I said no, because I started overthinking and I didn’t think you wanted that so I just went with it because I thought it’d make you happy, but now I feel like I’ve made a huge fucking mistake and-” Brooke cut herself off as she suddenly gasped for air, pulling Vanessa in close to her and being suddenly so afraid of losing her. She looked into her eyes as she spoke. “Please don’t go on that fucking date on Monday, Vanessa. Please be my girlfriend instead.”

The blood in Brooke’s veins gave a jump as she heard Vanessa gasp with delight as she spoke the word girlfriend, filling Brooke’s heart with so much hope that she felt as if she was on the very edge of a cliff, and if Vanessa said no now she might well go into cardiac arrest. In reply, Vanessa stood on her tiptoes and kissed Brooke gently, stroking her thumb against her cheek in an affectionate gesture that made Brooke want to melt. As Vanessa broke the kiss, she bit her lip and smiled. “God, Brooke, all you had to do was ask. Yes I’ll be your girlfriend. Jesus.”

And Brooke was suddenly so blinded with happiness that she picked up Vanessa, her girlfriend, her fucking girlfriend, and spun her around in the air in the middle of the street, the two of them laughing and giggling like teenagers and Brooke’s heart beating at a deafening pitch in her ears because she said yes, Vanessa was her girlfriend, Vanessa was her girlfriend, and the future was suddenly so bright and exciting and optimistic and full of colour and Brooke could suddenly see the beauty in every single little thing around them, even the fucking bins.

“There was no Nate, by the way,” Vanessa laughed, making Broke stop suddenly and put her down.

“What?”

“There was no Nate. And there was no date. I just wanted to make you jealous.”

“Well, you succeeded,” Brooke laughed, lacing her hand in Vanessa’s.

“I panicked. Said his name was Nate because it rhymed with date.”

Brooke burst out laughing and pressed a kiss to Vanessa’s hair. “You’re so stupid.”

She realised that neither of them had a clue where they were walking. Vanessa seemed to sense the same thing as she suddenly stopped, smiled seductively, and rested her hands on Brooke’s waist. “All night I’ve been thinking that dress would look better on the floor.”

Brooke let out a small whine. There was nobody, not a single person on earth, who could make her feel like Vanessa made her feel, and Brooke wouldn’t trade that for the world. “Come back with me?”

Vanessa leaned in and smiled, pressing her lips against Brooke’s before teasingly breaking away.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Crushes? What are those?

Pairing: Reader x Lee Felix (Stray Kids) Platonic

Genre: Fluff and angst

Warnings: Mild language...? I guess that's all.

Summary: You're just a normal student with normal student struggles and concerns. But was questioning your sexuality just a common student concern or just yours? Thankfully your best friend is there to help you out.

----

Lately you've been feeling a bit stressed. School has been burning you out constantly and is definitely not showing any sings on stopping. All kinds of fun things kept pressing on you. (Note the sarcasm). It will pass, you reminded and huffed, gathering your stuff to go to the next class, even though you knew that the teacher's lecture would fall to deaf ears and the scribbles on the chalkboard wouldn't make any sense. At least you could pretend that they did.

The school bell rang, finally releasing you from that awful class that bore you to death. It was finally lunch time. You and your friendgroup quickly scrambled to the cafeteria, your jackets and backpacks hanging all over the place as you ran through the campus. Finally, you felt like you could breathe. A light smile tugged on your chapped lips as you thought that the school day would be over soon.

At the lunch table, you and your friends chatted on all kinds of stuff.

"Oh my god, did you see Jihoon? He's so hot!" Your friend, Dahae squelead, while not so subtly pointing at the said boy. Jihoon was too busy to notice it though. You silently thanked Gods for that. You weren't in the mood of looking at yout friend flailing her arms all over the place and embarras herself. Your other friend agreed Dahae's nonsense with a giggle. Usually it would've brought an easy smile to your lips, but not today.

"What do you think, Y/N? Which one is hotter, Jihoon or Minjun? Namseon is crazy and thinks that Minjun is hotter", Dahae said, while pointing at Namseon. You bit your lip and sighed.

"I...I don't know... I really don't think either of them are too attractive", you said, shifting in your seat uncomfortably and kept your eyes on the tray in front of you. Dahae gasped and shoved you a bit.

"Why are you so picky? Honestly what's wrong with you? I haven't seen you crush on anyone in years!" She exclaimed. You flinched a bit. That one hit a sore spot. You felt all sorts of thoughts and emotions crash on you. 'Is something wrong with me? Why haven't I liked anyone? What is wrong with me' you thought. After the insecurities and anxiety had had their turn of playing with you, anger seeped in. You clenched your fists and grinded your teeth.

"Why does it matter to you, who I like?" you seethed at Dahae. The girl flinched at your angry tone and stared at you.

"U-uh.. I was just wondering", the girl said.

"Well don't. It is not your business", you snapped back. Namseon butted in:

"Why are you so angry all of a sudden? What's wrong with you? You know she was just playing around." You moved your fiery gaze onto her.

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? Assuming things about my love life and then making it sound like there is somethig wrong with me! Like I'm abnormal! Who cares about boys or whatever! You two keep acting like mindless children with crushes and you ask me what is wrong with me!" you hissed. Namseon and Dahae stared you in surprise, but you weren't able to feel sorry.

"Are you a lesbian?" Dahae blurted out dumbly. Something snapped inside you, tears started to flood into your eyes and making your field of vision blurry. Your whole body shook in anger.

"No! Why would you even ask that?" And with that, you stormed out of the cafeteria.

The rest of the school day, you didn't neccesesarily avoid your friend, you just didn't take them into your notice. You felt a bit sorry for blowing up on them so suddenly, but at the same time you didn't. The 'what's wrong with me' -questions continued to bother you through out the rest of the school day. Lectures seemed to last longer and you felt like screaming. The more you thought about Dahae and Namseon's words, the more you realized your differences between you and them. You hadn't liked anyone in years. Not a girl, not a boy or even a soul for that matter. What was going on? The school day ended and you left the campus, without looking back. You were thanful that the weekened was finally starting.

You didn't have any room to think about your friends really, not when your other friend finally had some time to spend with you. Lee Felix, your best friend, finally had a break in his busy schedule and was coming over to spend the weekend with you. Your heart jumped in delight in your chest, when you even thought of all the thing you could do together: catching up and talking about Stray Kids together, play some games and watch movies. To say that you were excited was an understatement. Little did you know, this night wasn't going to be just all giggles and rainbows.

The doorbell rang and you jumped up from your bed. You dashed to the hallway, stumbling roughly. You had definitely gotten up way too quickly, now your vision was filled with black dots, ears ringing and head pounding. You had to lean on the wall in hopes of support, until the light headedness would ease enough for you to move again, without the risk of falling to your face or walking into a wall. After you regained your vision, you catiously went to open the door for your best friend. Your heart was fluttering in excitement. You threw the door open briskly, smiling brightly at Felix's flustered self. After he recovered from the near heart attack experience, he too started to smile so beautifully and brightly that it could easily rival the sun's brightness.

"Hey!!" you exclaimed, not waiting any longer and basically crashing into his arms. He wheezed a bit, but still wrapped his arms around you gladly. You both were smiling dumbly, but neither of you didn't want to let go of each other. After some time, you did let go and walked into your apartment. Then you shifted your sparkling eyes to him:

"Tell me everything. How's life treating you?" you asked. Felix smiled affectionally at you and ruffled your hair. You couldn't bring yourself to even care, all what mattered now was that Felix was there with you. Talking with you, face to face. Interecting with you physically, not through the screen of your phone. You just smiled.

The night was finally arraving, the darkness settling in, but that didn't bother you or Felix. Not in the slightest. You had helped Felix unpack and talking about how he was doing. He was happy to talk and vent a bit, now to someone who wasn't part of the group and also wasn't in the indrustry. You could think that he would prefer talking about these things with someone who was in the music indrustry. But not this time, it was refreshing to have someone giving him new viewpoints and just... Rant. Also, you just always understood. You were quite empathic, you didn't need to be experiencing these things to know what Felix tried to express. You were quick to pick up on those little ques and quite frankly, you were an expert at reading people. And somehow, you knew your ways with words. In conclusion, you were easy to talk to. He couldn't be more greatful.

But the air changed, when Felix asked about your life. You were tense, quickly reminded about the drama, that went down in the cafeteria. You sighed and leaned your face onto your knees.

"Is everything okay?" Felix asked, voice filled with concern and his usually smiley face was now frowning. You bit your lip, weighing and thinking of each option. Should you really bother Felix with this? You, yourself, didn't know what was going on, so how were you supposed to explain anything. On the other hand, Felix might have an answer. But what if it was petty.

"I don't know, Felix", you said quietly, frustrated and desperate. Felix leaned closer to you on the sofa.

"I'll listen and you vent. Then let's try to find the problem and a possible solution for it", he suggested. You swallowed thickly. You panicked a bit. You knew it was stupid to even panic about this, it was Felix for god's sake! You have shared your weirdest 2am thoughts with him and talked about strangest topics possible and here you were, panicking about something stupid like this. It wasn't supposed to be bothering at all!

Thankfully Felix had become good at reading you. He saw how you were becoming more and more panicked and distressed. He then decided to grab you gently and pull you to his lap, hugging you close to his chest, knowing that you felt safer when you were held. Your head started to clear up slowly, as you dipped your head so that your nose was pressed against Felix's neck. You breathed his scent and held onto him.

"You're okay, Y/N", he whispered lowly, grip tightening on you. You nodded hastily against him and breathed out again. After some time, you finally pulled away. You looked at Felix with tired eyes. He held your hands tightly and nodded at you, encouraging you to talk.

"Lately... I've had these um... Weird thoughts", you started, voice tired but your cheeks were getting pink. Felix took a notice of them, but didn't point them out. He simply just waited for you to continue.

"I don't know how to else to put it, but... I'm so confused about my sexuality. I haven't liked anyone in years Felix! I haven't even thought of anyone in that way! Well... More like in any way! I just know that I don't mind the idea of being together with a girl, a boy or even a genderless person. But I don't know! I could be just thinking about it like it now. As if I didn't bother myself with those questions enough, my friends decided to... I don't know trying to figure out and judging my love life out of nowhere... Well, more like the lack of it.

They started acting like I was abnormal for not having a crush or finding some people attractive. Then they basically said that there was something wrong with me! I exploded on them... All Dahae could say at the end of it all 'are you a lesbian?' ",you ranted, chest heaving up and down as tears gathered in your eyes and finally falling. Sobs started to escape your mouth as you cried. It felt so good to finally share your thoughts, but you were still confused and a bit mad at your friend for assuming stuff. You leaned your head against Felix's chest and cried. He started rubbing your back comfortingly and started whispering sweet words of reassuarance and encouragment. He felt all kinds of emotions stirring inside of him. He was mad how insentive your friends had been and he was also worried. For how long had you been holding this all in?

After you calmed down enough, he started speaking softly to you:

"It's okay to be confused, not to know. You have your whole life ahead of you and most definitely have time to figure this all out. And I can bet on my life, that you also have time to accept yourself and perhaps fall in love. You've got all the time in the world." You sniffled and didn't say anything for a moment. Just let yourself think.

"Am I gay?" The question just slipped before you could stop it.

"You might be. You shouldn't take so much pressure of it though. Labeling yourself, I mean. These things will get resolved with time. Just let me know, when you do get a crush!" Felix said, smiling gently.You smiled tearfully and chuckled airily.

"When did you get so wise? I was supposed to be the wise one!" you laughed. Felix laughed as well and replied:

"I become extremely wise, when your brains stop working. Someone has to back the other up!" You jabbed him in the ribs. He groaned a bit and rubbed his side tenderly.

"No but seriously, I think we can both agree that we are both weird crackheads", Felix said.

"We just have our moments too", he continued. You smiled and nodded in agreement. When you two weren't acting like idiots, you did know how to serious. That just made you two special.

"You should make up with Dahae and Namseon too, you know."

"Shut up, dumbass. Just let me hug you in peace, thank you very much."

Mar 15 Blurr’s Horror Stream - A Monster Calls

Prowl continued to lack a verbal filter.

Welcome to the 'speedxstealer' room. The chat room has been cleared by the moderator. B l u r r: / he is present. Dragging himself in with a thermal over him. / ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave trudges in and makes himself comfortable on his couch, lights dimming a bit as he exercises his right to slightly improper posture.* Shockbox: *He's here, he's queer, and ready for human fear.* ItsyBitsySpyers: ((PFFFFF)) Shockbox: *In other words, he arrives on time as usual and heads to his seat.* B l u r r: (( omfg )) ItsyBitsySpyers: *Plays a waving animation on his screen. Hello to those already here and just walking in.* B l u r r: / burrows on his couch with his thermal. Is a lump of thermal / B l u r r: / with maybe a helm fin sticking out / Shockbox: *He nods back on his way to his seat. Upon observation of the others, it seems all of them are a little worse for wear.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *He sees someone drowning in warmth. Probably Blurr. That's as it should be. Warmth for everyone. Defy the cold ship air.* B l u r r: / sticks claw out to wave to everyone / FakeProwl: *GUESS WHO'S STILL INJURED. it's this guy.* FakeProwl: *at least he's in the right avatar this week.* Whirl: *trots in and clambers into his hammock, as is customary* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Pings Prowl hello and repeats the waving animation for Whirl.* B l u r r: / tugs thermal down so he can see his screen better / boomtank: -is here now- Drift: *for the first time in like... ten years. he arrives.* B l u r r: / not that he's reading it. Hes more or less just staring at it. / FakeProwl: Hello. *sits with Soundwave* Whirl: *bob his head to Soundwave, and then to Blurr* B l u r r: / flicks left finial. Give him a delayed thirty seconds / B l u r r: ... / waves at whirl / Shockbox: *Ah, a shame, the predacon skin was more interesting, in Shockwave's opinion.* B l u r r: / another delayed thirty seconds. Wiggles claws a little sloppily at Drift / ItsyBitsySpyers: *More pings and lazy screen waves to all. A big crowd tonight. He'll have to make sure none of them run Prowl onto unwelcome topics.* Drift: Hey! *flops down next to Blurr and wraps an arm around him.* Drift: What've I missed. B l u r r: .... / opens mouth and just closes it. Just has a very 8I face / Drift: ... A lot, huh. B l u r r: ... Mm. Drift: I'm sorry I haven't been around. We've been registering new crewmates and preparing to take off again. B l u r r: Mm... /shakes helm / B l u r r: / holds up a digit and pulls himself under his thermal. He's rummaging around for something / B l u r r: / tugs thermal off his helm and hands Drift the equivalent of a dictionary, but it's a popup book / boomtank: -sits somewhere he can- Drift: *what is this* B l u r r: / it's the history of the last like month / ItsyBitsySpyers: *Amused.* B l u r r: [[ LS, not today. ]] Drift: *how many words are in this holy slag* B l u r r: / there aren't many words. Just pop ups / B l u r r: / hums and settles again/ That should about cover it. B l u r r: [[ lemme know when yall are ready ]] Drift: *okay then, he's gonna read* Whirl: ((I am ready!) B l u r r: / spoiler alert, the fight is the first thing ur gonna reaD / ItsyBitsySpyers: ((ready)) Shockbox: (( Quite ready.)) Drift: *WHICH fight* Drift: ((ready!)) B l u r r: / the JT one / B l u r r: [[ okiiie. We start ! ]] Drift: *does it say why he had the fight* B l u r r: / Not high key. Maybe low key. / B l u r r: / low key as in : I did something wrong says Blurr. / B l u r r: / not u / Drift: ... What. Drift: *skips forward like fifty pages* B l u r r: [[ omfg DRIFT ]] boomtank: ready)) B l u r r: [[ U CANT SKIP PAGES ]] Drift: *HE NEEDS TO KNOW BLURR'S GONNA BE OKAY* ItsyBitsySpyers: *...BLURR'S RIGHT THERE* Whirl: I can give you a super-abridhed Whirl Perspective on what's been goin on with Teach. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[If Drift doesn't want it, he does.]] Drift: I'll take it! B l u r r: / I AM ALIVE / Drift: *he'll read the details after he gets the summary* Whirl: Ahem, B l u r r: / makes a face / Whirl: Blurr met a very dashing Wrecker from another universe, did some pretty damn heroic stuff, like, we're talking BIG HERO STUFF, on Earth--and I know 'cause I was there, saw it with my own eye. Whirl: We had a good time blowing stuff up, Blurr rescued some guys, and, if I'm not mistaken, hit it off with that aforementioned charming Wrecker of his. Shockbox: *Well. This is an eventful start.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Not wasting any time, this movie.* Whirl: And then he did... something, killed some pirates? And got that THING you see on his back. *gestures to the upgrade* And then went into a sort of almost-coma and wouldn't wake up for weeks. Whirl: But he's better now. I still say he should get rid of the thing, though. B l u r r: I was not in a coma. Whirl: It was practically a coma. B l u r r: It was not a /coma/ ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ohhhh, what a voice.* B l u r r: / looks at drift/ I was not in a coma. B l u r r: I just don't remember three weeks out of the month. Drift: YOU WERE IN A COMA?! B l u r r: It was not a COMA FakeProwl: Don't shout. It's painful. Drift: Why were you in a coma?! B l u r r: I wasn't- /vents/ my processor didn't want to... function. B l u r r: here. B l u r r: In the... present. Drift: You were in a depression coma?! Why were you in a depression coma! B l u r r: ... you skipped half the book. B l u r r: Why are you asking me questions that are answered in the book- oh for pit sake. B l u r r: I got into a fight. Whirl: Yeah, when your processor stops working, what do we call that? A COMA. Drift: *goes back to the beginning* Whirl: And nobody will LISTEN to me, but I'm pretty sure it's cos of that mod he's got. Overburderdening his processor. B l u r r: Yes, but a coma... oh , fine. Call it a coma. Whirl: ...*overburdening Whirl: ((good job me)) FakeProwl: Either a coma or brain death. FakeProwl: It depends on the extent. B l u r r: It was near brain death, according to Axis. Drift: Why did your brain nearly die!! Drift: Is it fixed? Is it going to happen again? B l u r r: / rubs temples / I don't... know. B l u r r: No, it's not fixed... it can't be fixed. Whirl: *points! Emphatically! At the speed booster!!!* Whirl: THAT. B l u r r: As for it happening again, I don't know. Drift: Why can't it be fixed?! Just take the thing off! B l u r r: It's not the mod! Shockbox: *Could the boy have not bitten the bully's hand?* Drift: How do you know?! B l u r r: Because it was happening before it! Whirl: Well... I'm sure the mod isn't helping. But also, this is the first I'VE heard of that. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Oh, early human movie devices. He sits up a little.* B l u r r: / chin claws and looks at the screen / FakeProwl: ... I've just realized I'm not paying attention to the movie. FakeProwl: I should start paying attention to the movie. Whirl: That's generally the best way to enjoy a movie. Audencies and critic alike agree. B l u r r: / rolls optic / ItsyBitsySpyers: (txt): Summary needed? FakeProwl: Yes, I think it's the best way to enjoy a movie too. B l u r r: / monster!! / FakeProwl: ... Oh. That was probably sarcasm. Whirl: I mean... not REALLY. I'm telling the truth. Whirl: Think of it more as "wry commentary tempered with amusement." Shockbox: *Very intrigued by this monster.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *HAS to show this to Wheeljack.* Shockbox: */His/ turn to sit up straighter.* FakeProwl: I did not catch the wryness or the amusement. FakeProwl: Thank you for the description of your tone. B l u r r: / tugs thermal down more so he can see better / Whirl: *shrugs* I've gotten PRETTY good at modulating, but sometimes I guess the ol' vocalizer goes flat. FakeProwl: I don't know. I just can't hear tone well. Whirl: Lord, between my sub-par vocalizer and youre crappy hearing, it's a wonder we get ANYTHING done. Shockbox: *The creature rates a 6.5/10 on his personal monster scale.* FakeProwl: Do we get anything done? Whirl: I mean as far as understanding each other. FakeProwl: Do we understand each other? Whirl: You tend to make yourself pretty clear, most of the time. *swivels his helm around to fix Prowl with a deadpan, half-lidded optic* So I think I understand you. Whirl: I'm sure you think you understand me, like most folks. B l u r r: Anyway /half mumbling/ If you have any other questions... /nudges Drift / Let me know. B l u r r: Though, I made the book fairly simple. Drift: *what was that? he's reading in terror right now* B l u r r: / oh my god. / FakeProwl: Oh. Good. I'm usually not sure people understand me. Especially when it's people like you who tend to ignore whatever I'm saying. FakeProwl: It's hard to tell whether I'm being ignored or being misunderstood. Whirl: Probably mostly ignored. FakeProwl: That's disheartening. And depressing. If I'm being misunderstood I have the hope of correcting the misconception. There's little that can be done about being ignored. Whirl: Don't take it personal, mech, I ignore a lot of people. B l u r r: [[ lemme know if it drops a lot btw ]] Whirl: *Whirl's gotta agree with Soundwave on the voice, really* FakeProwl: I know you do. And a lot of people ignore me. The fact that it isn't meant personally doesn't mean it doesn't have a personal impact on me. Whirl: If it makes you feel any better, it's not likely to personally affect you, since we're not exactly part of the same chain of command anymore. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Should he interrupt this conversation? ... Maybe it's something others should hear. He's not sure. Will keep an audial on it.* FakeProwl: Every time I try to communicate with somebody and they flat out ignore what I'm trying to communicate, it has a personal effect on me. FakeProwl: *he probably would have liked to be interrupted about fifteen minutes ago* FakeProwl: *he would still like to be interrupted* Whirl: That only counts if you actually care about the other person in the transaction. Whirl: And we both know that's not the case here. *snort* FakeProwl: That isn't true. FakeProwl: I would not attempt communication with a person if it did not matter to me that they hear what I'm saying. ItsyBitsySpyers: *...Maybe he should. This could change his reputation. Does Prowl want that reputation? No, no. Wrong question. Does he need that reputation? Probably.* Whirl: So, what exactly is it, then, that you think is so important for me to hear? What could you have to say to me that would really matter, Prowl? ItsyBitsySpyers: (txt): Prowl has heard this tale before? FakeProwl: Right now? Nothing. I don't think I've said anything I actually meant to say since I got a pipe in my head. Whirl: You should get that looked at. FakeProwl: *focuses on Soundwave* No. It's unfamiliar. Why? Whirl: @P: Because, you see, mech, the only things you've been saying to me laately are how stupid and useless I am--so forgive me if I ignore 'em. ItsyBitsySpyers: (txt): Then perhaps Prowl should focus, listen. Vital to film story. B l u r r: /paying close attention to the story tbh / FakeProwl: I'm trying to. It's hard. I'm being talked to. ItsyBitsySpyers: @P: (txt): Prowl cannot filter audio input? B l u r r: ... /wow this shiit is deep / Whirl: That was a long and fancy way of saying, "life's unfair." B l u r r: Some people need long and fancy to get it through their thick heads. FakeProwl: It's hard right now. Drift: WHAT?!?! Drift: *he finished the book* B l u r r: / flicks finial. Geez that was right next to him / FakeProwl: ... And people keep shouting. B l u r r: / reaches over. Pats Drift / Drift: Are you okay?! ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Please contain your voices.]] Whirl: I'd think most of us would've learned it when life was kicking us in the teeth. Whirl: *now looks to Drift curiously* B l u r r: / tilts helm. Thinking / Drift: *attempts to contain.* Are you joining Optimus? Are you dating Roadbuster? Are you moving to that universe?? B l u r r: / makes a face / What- slow down. Pits. B l u r r: No, I'm not... I don't know about Optimus Prime of Tyran. He's ideal, but he's not... No, I'm not his type of Autobot. Whirl: He is totally dating Roadbuster. I can confirm this. B l u r r: I'm not moving anywhere, I live on The Emperor. Shockbox: (( Sounds pretty gay.)) FakeProwl: I dislike shouting. Why were we given the option to shout? Whirl: It's fun. FakeProwl: It's not fun, it's painful. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[So that others may hear us over other nosies in emergencies.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: noises not nosies omg)) FakeProwl: Wait. You enjoy enducing pain. FakeProwl: We could use comms for that. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[And if they are damaged?]] Whirl: It's not always painful. Does it--*now looks back to Prowl, curious again* You audials ARE really messed up. B l u r r: / makes a slight face/ And Roadbuster and I are... sort of... working on. Something. B l u r r: / they're 100% dating tbh / FakeProwl: It's not my audials. FakeProwl: ... I am going to focus on Soundwave's comment before you ask follow up questions. ItsyBitsySpyers: *A wise idea.* Whirl: Knock yourself out, mech. FakeProwl: If they are damaged, louder volume is a viable option. Whirl: *shrugs and returns to the movie* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Then that is one good reason why we have it.]] Whirl: *for the record Whirl is still totally unclear on what Prowl's exact deal is; he just knows he's being weird* Whirl: *and that he has a pipe in his head* ItsyBitsySpyers: *...This is a dream, isn't it.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *It's too happy for this setting.* FakeProwl: It shouldn't be used outside of emergencies, then. FakeProwl: I don't use my sirens outside of emergencies. B l u r r: [ is it dropping? ]] FakeProwl: ((fine here)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((nope)) Whirl: ((runnin fione!)) B l u r r: anyway... /vents/ I'm fine. / the usual response / Drift: In all the time I've known you, you've never been fine once. B l u r r: / sheepish shrug / Whirl: *SNORTS* Whirl: He speaks the truth, Teach. Drift: *pets Blurr's head* But, you're... not as bad as you've been. B l u r r: / makes a face /What's what mean? Drift: Well, you're not in a coma right now. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave considers this claim a moment. The answer's going to be public. He has to word this carefully.* Drift: And you're not actively dying, as far as I know. Whirl: That IS a big improvement over the usual. B l u r r: Not at the moment, no. Whirl: ...is this kid gonna throw a tantrum and break that clock. B l u r r: Most of my wounds from Thundertron are healed up. Drift: ... I'm—sorry, that I missed all that. That I wasn't here, when you were... B l u r r: And the damage from ... well. the first fight is done. FakeProwl: He is probably going to destroy the clock. FakeProwl: The clock is innocent. He shouldn't. Whirl: That little piece of sh it. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Some enjoy hearing berth partner voice raised in satisfaction. That, second reason. B l u r r: / looks at drift. Shakes helm / You said you were busy. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ahh, another story. He splits a little more focus toward the movie again.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He believes this qualifies as breaking the 'touching something' rule.]] FakeProwl: If people have loud voices for emergency situations, then they can use those voices in the berth for partners who enjoy hearing it. That's no reason to shout in public. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[You didn't specify public. You simply asked why we have the option.]] Whirl: I still maintain that shouting can be fun. FakeProwl: ... I did. Fair. FakeProwl: Why? Does Windchill like hearing it? Whirl: Hm. I dunno, we rarely yell at each other. Usually we sing at each other. Whirl: It's just enjoyable to yell. B l u r r: ...Well, he's right. It's satisfying. B l u r r: Very much so... B l u r r: / oh god its all so satisfying / Whirl: I hate him. Drift: *likes the moral of this story. it's... vindicating.* B l u r r: That's what my room looks like. /snort / B l u r r: / it's not funny but it's funny / Whirl: So we're, what, supposed to feel sorry for this kid? After he destroyed her house? B l u r r: who cares about her house? Whirl: It's not like she's going through the trauma of watching her DAUGHTER die, or anything. FakeProwl: Why do you hate him? He's destroying things in a senseless rage. Isn't that right up your alley? Whirl: Hey, all of my rages are entirely sensible. FakeProwl: So is his, from his perspective. B l u r r: Sometimes you can't control where your anger goes. /mumbling/ FakeProwl: Why do you hate him? Whirl: Well first of all, he destroyed a clock. That's practically a crime. Whirl: Second of all, he's useless and pathetic. B l u r r: Why's that? FakeProwl: ... Destroying someone else's property IS a crime. Whirl: I dunno, it'd be different, maybe, if he was even the least bit likeable. But he's a sniveling little wimp. FakeProwl: You're... protective of clocks? I didn't know that. Whirl: Won't even hit back when someone picks on him. B l u r r: / shrugs / Whirl: There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Prowl. FakeProwl: I know. B l u r r: sometimes it's harder to do that. Whirl: The only time it's hard is when you can't get to them, really. I mean, if they get away or something. B l u r r: / crosses arms and shifts / Or you can't beat them. Whirl: Pfft. Wouldn't know what THAT feels like. *preens* B l u r r: Sometimes it hurts so bad, you just take it out on the first thing you find. Like a room full of mostly junkish things... B l u r r: Or a cargo ship... B l u r r: / spacing out/ Or a pirate fleet... Whirl: *or a corpse. ...he's not saying that out loud* B l u r r: / staring off into the sky / FakeProwl: I don't take it out on the first thing I find. I save it to take it out on something that won't feel or inflict pain. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Listening to all of this and thinking to himself.* B l u r r: That takes too long. Whirl: *he's not even gonna comment, lest he say something incriminating* B l u r r: / flickering optic. Right, he has company / It's better to get rid of it fast. Whirl: Also, that's a dumb moral. Whirl: Believing doesn't get you anything. FakeProwl: No it's not. Getting rid of it fast hurts people that don't deserve the hurt. B l u r r: They can't hurt if they're dead. FakeProwl: Death is a near-infinite hurt. B l u r r: /shrugs shoulder / B l u r r: There are all types of infinite hurt. FakeProwl: There are. Death is one. B l u r r: Not always. FakeProwl: Always. B l u r r: If you let them go, yes. FakeProwl: ... Whose hurt are you talking about? I'm talking about the hurt of the person who dies. B l u r r: If they're dead, how do they hurt? B l u r r: Is their ghost going to come tell me how much it hurt? FakeProwl: It's the negation of every opportunity they could ever have in the future to be content or happy. B l u r r: You don't need to die to lose that in a future. FakeProwl: I never said you do. FakeProwl: Just that death is one way. B l u r r: / shrugs / Maybe where you're from. B l u r r: Where I'm from, once you die, you die. You get taken apart and they make someone different. FakeProwl: Are you suggesting that where your from, dying DOESN'T rob you of all future opportunities to be content or happy? FakeProwl: Are you claiming that you are capable of being content or happy after your death? B l u r r: You can't be- you're DEAD. FakeProwl: Exactly. Therefore, it's the same wehre you are. B l u r r: Once you die where I'm from, you cease existing at all. FakeProwl: Exactly. B l u r r: So how are you supposed to feel remorse when you're DEAD and CAN'T? FakeProwl: Who said anything about remorse? B l u r r: Oh for pit sake. FakeProwl: I don't know where remorse came from. B l u r r: You can't feel something if you're dead. B l u r r: nothing. Not a single thing. Not even pain. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Life is always in the eyes. Not the first time he's heard that. It makes him glad he covers his.* B l u r r: You can feel pain while /dying/. FakeProwl: I never said you could. B l u r r: I've been there plenty of times. B l u r r: then how is death near-infinite pain if you can't feel pain when you're dead? Whirl: *that is a phrase Whirl believes in, too* FakeProwl: I never said pain. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[It is near-infinite pain for those who knew them.]] B l u r r: / scoffs/ FakeProwl: Hurt. Hurt is not necessarily the presence of a negative. As I am using it, it is the absolute absence of any positive. B l u r r: Yes, hurt and I are practically attached at the hip. B l u r r: I know what hurt is. Whirl: Well, that depends, Soundwave. FakeProwl: Then why are you arguing? Whirl: Some people would celebrate if I killed, say, Tarn. Whirl: I can't imagine anyone would mourn HIM. FakeProwl: The DJD would mourn him. B l u r r: I'm saying that the cargo ship I slaughtered  helped ease my hurt more than it caused theirs. B l u r r: Nothing else was helping. THAT helped. FakeProwl: I don't mind if the DJD mourns. Whirl: That's based on the assumption that they actually CARE about one another. Whirl: Which is a pretty big leap. FakeProwl: They do. Whirl: Why? You got the inside scoop or something? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Negative, negative, abort.* B l u r r: / hums / Kill him, kid. FakeProwl: Yes. Spies work for me. Whirl: Oh. Well. ...asked and answered. Whirl: Either way, then, I just consider their distress a bonus. Whirl: My only regret will be that I won't be able to watch them mourn. B l u r r: There you go. Whirl: FINALLY. Whirl: He's finally done something to make him almost likeable. FakeProwl: ... He wants to be punished. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Of course he does.]] FakeProwl: If he isn't punished, he doesn't matter. He doesn't exist. FakeProwl: Not being punished tells him that he makes no impact upon the world. Whirl: Hm. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[There is a sense of failure as well.]] B l u r r: / ugh his buried feelings hurt / ItsyBitsySpyers: *They do indeed.* B l u r r: / flex claws. / B l u r r: / hhhh she reminds him of someone/ B l u r r: / yanks thermal over his helm / FakeProwl: This is a bad moral. Whirl: Agreed. FakeProwl: Don't break things that belong to other people. FakeProwl: Only break your own things. Whirl: It's just dumb. FakeProwl: ... Unless the other people deserve to have broken things. But those are rare cases. Whirl: *shakes his head; the film is not reachig him emotionally* FakeProwl: The DJD deserves to have broken things. If their things are broken, they can't kill as many people. Whirl: I'd rather break THEM. FakeProwl: Yes. Even better. Shockbox: *Not a fan of all this yelling, to be earnest.* Drift: *okay maybe it didn't touch whirl, but drift is feeling touched* Drift: *slowly clings to blurr* B l u r r: / tugs thermal down. Okay. He's good./ B l u r r: / pats Drift / Drift: *clings tighter* Whirl: Lord, just. Whirl: END THE SCENE. B l u r r: / is being clinged to / Whirl: Finally, sheesh. B l u r r: / pats Drift / Shockbox: *He and Whirl agree on something, for once.* ItsyBitsySpyers: ((NO IT DROPPED)) Whirl: ((whop.... it gone)) Drift: ((IT'S BLACK)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((AAAAAAH)) B l u r r: [[ i already paused it ]] B l u r r: [[lemme know when it's back. it reset ]] Drift: ((offline right now)) B l u r r: [[ well it WAS back. ]] B l u r r: [[ anyway it's paused, so. we can wait til LS gets its shiit together ]] Whirl: *steeetches in his hammock* B l u r r: / scrubs faceplate / Whirl: What were we even talking about? B l u r r: Pits, I don't know. B l u r r: I spaced out again. Whirl: *eyes him dubiously* You spaced out or you SPACED out? FakeProwl: This is the danger of giving people the ability to raise their volume so that they can use it during emergencies. B l u r r: What's the difference? FakeProwl: This was obviously an emergency but his shouting was useless. FakeProwl: And painful. Whirl: Like, normal spacing out or "your broken brain is messing up" spacing out? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[We do not know that it was useless. We have not seen the end.]] B l u r r: ... Dodge and Velocity were taking my attention over for the moment. Whirl: Oh, gotcha. Normal spacing out. FakeProwl: He did not summon help or give her necessary instructions to save herself. B l u r r: I spent all day with them yesterday, I don't know why they're being so demanding. Whirl: And, Prowl--sometimes, when you're feeling a lot of emotion, you just yell. Drift: Tell Velocity to shut up. Whirl: When your exhilarated, for instance. Whirl: *you're B l u r r: ... Ah. /twitches finials and looks at Drift / FakeProwl: That's why yelling is a bad skill to have. Whirl: It just bursts out. FakeProwl: It's too easy to abuse. B l u r r: I forgot to mention... /shrugs / Velocity is prominent right now. Whirl: It's not a skill, it's a reaction. B l u r r: He and Dodge both catch my attention much easier since I woke up. FakeProwl: If people have to have it in case of emergency, it should be something that can only manually be turned on. Whirl: Like flinching, or how you people sneeze, and stuff. B l u r r: Axis says it's an effect of my semi-long term catatonic state. B l u r r: [[ is it back ?? ]] Whirl: ((not yet)) Drift: ((nop)) Drift: Comas give you Velocity? Drift: Blurr, you're never allowed to have a coma again. B l u r r: No... Whirl: I'm glad *mine* didn't. B l u r r: The situation before all of that. B l u r r: That gave me Velocity. Drift: What's the new Optimus's number? I'm going to comm him and tell him to order you to never have a coma again. Whirl: I'd have to rip my brain module out of my head. B l u r r: [[ I reset it. So, idk if it's working ]] Whirl: ((THERE WE GO)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((aha!)) B l u r r: ... Don't. He's not my boss. Drift: Would it work? Drift: ((there it go)) Whirl: ...*sly look* Drift. B l u r r: ... I don't know. Drift: Yeah? Whirl: You should him Blurr needs a good stepping-on. B l u r r: [[ okay is it back for everyone ?? ]] Drift: ... *sly grin* B l u r r: ... / scrubs faceplate / FakeProwl: I think Blurr should be stepped on. Whirl: *snickers* FakeProwl: In a fatal way. B l u r r: Me too. Whirl: Well, I don't. FakeProwl: He believes that curing his own pain is more important than other people's lives. That's terrible. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Was going to protest that being said out loud, but Blurr just agreed, so...* B l u r r: ... /snort / B l u r r: I never said I was a good person. B l u r r: [[ soo... can we go now? ]] Drift: ((ye)) Whirl: ((yes)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((yep)) Drift: Maybe not, Blurr. But you are... a hero. B l u r r: ... Stop. B l u r r: / crosses arms/ I did a few people a few favors. B l u r r: That's it. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[You are entitled to think these things about shouting. Mind that you do not say them to Frenzy.]] Whirl: You saved a lot of Autobots' lives. FakeProwl: Frenzy can't help himself. Whirl: Hero. *points* B l u r r: Not a hero. /huffs / Whirl: Yep. B l u r r: The point is, I don't work for that Prime. B l u r r: / yet. / Drift: ... Would you if he stepped on you? B l u r r: I'd be ecstatic if he stepped on me. Whirl: *snickers* B l u r r: But, I don't work for him, or with him. We don't even talk. FakeProwl: That is a good moral. FakeProwl: Thoughts and beliefs do not matter. Only actions. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Small nod.* Whirl: *considers this* Whirl: *yeah he'd have to agree. But he' Whirl: s not going to say it out loud* FakeProwl: *rude. prowl's been baring his soul over here tonight and whirl won't even agree with him when he's right.* FakeProwl: *admittedly, prowl hasn't been WILLINGLY baring his soul, but.* Whirl: *it absolutely IS rude, but Whirl dislikes Prowl for the moment* B l u r r: ... / oh for pit sake his insides hurt / B l u r r: / makes a noise / FakeProwl: *"for the moment"* Whirl: *anything is possible* Whirl: *he's still carrying a grudge from that last meeting* B l u r r: / hhhhh. his insides are hurting more / FakeProwl: This is sad. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave's spark has joined Blurr's insides in aching. This is ridiculous. He should not be affected or reminded of these things by organics. They barely live a blink.* FakeProwl: He should say "I love you." Whirl: To be honest, I figured that would be the "simplest truth" the monster was talking about. FakeProwl: That's what most people regret not saying to someone who's going to die that they love. He hasn't said that. B l u r r: / oh shiit it hurts / FakeProwl: I figured that too. B l u r r: / tugs thermal over his helm / B l u r r: / he doesn't like stories about letting go / FakeProwl: Good. I'm not the only one that figured that. B l u r r: / ohhh no no no he's buried under here / FakeProwl: Maybe the hug was a symbolic "I love you"? Drift: *SQUEEZES* Whirl: *shrugs* The answer to cheesy lines like that is usually "love." Whirl: Movies love to do that. B l u r r: / muffled noise / Whirl: ...heh. B l u r r: / is squeezed / FakeProwl: It's not a bad thing to say to someone who is dying. Whirl: I guess not. FakeProwl: ... I mean, unless the person who is dying isn't somebody you love, of course. But provided that they are. B l u r r: / this mass of thermal is moving closer to Drift / Drift: *good. easier to squeeze.* B l u r r: / his processor is running too many miles a minute / Shockbox: ((Ahem. I left to shower right after the stream broke. What happened?)) FakeProwl: ((the kid confessed that on some level he actually wanted his mom to die so he could stop waiting for it to happen)) FakeProwl: ((even though he'd miss her.)) FakeProwl: ((then grandma came and took him to the hospital and he and grandma and the monster watched mom die.)) FakeProwl: ((they had a hug and he told mom he didn't want her to go.)) B l u r r: / noiSEs / Shockbox: ((Sounds legit.)) Whirl: Passable, not nothing remarkable. Whirl: *waves a claw at the screen* Shockbox: Did you intend to make a double negative? Whirl: ...nope. Whirl: I meant to say but. Whirl: *someone made a typing error oops* Shockbox: Ah. Whirl: I mean, to be perfectly honest, though, I don't care much about grammar, so I might as well have said it. B l u r r: / yanks thermal down off his helm/ Wait, does that mean the monster was a decent monster? Whirl: It definitely wasn't the villain. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He suspects whether or not it is remarkable to someone depends on what they have experienced.]] Drift: Yeah. He helped the kid work through his emotional issues. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[It seems like the kind of tale that would.]] Drift: The monster was... a hero. B l u r r: Oh for pit sake... B l u r r: I'm not a hero. Drift: I'm just talking about the monster, Blurr. He was definitely a hero. Don't you think so, Whirl? B l u r r: / rolls optic and scrubs faceplate / Whirl: I guess the movie would connect with you more if you could... get on it slevel, yeah. *shrugs* But I didn't think it was very well put together. Whirl: *to Drift* Oh, yes. Of course. Whirl: ((SLEVEL. WOW MY TYPING IS SO GOOD)) Shockbox: *Welp. That was all the time he had for interacting. He takes leave* B l u r r: Well... at least /he/ got to say goodbye in his own way. /grumbling to vacant air / Shockbox: ((G'night.)) ItsyBitsySpyers: *A farewell nod to Shockwave* B l u r r: (( ni ni ! )) ItsyBitsySpyers: [[To each their own.]] FakeProwl: I'm not going to judge the movie structure because I don't know anything about art. B l u r r: / shifts and looks over at Drift / Well, either way. Heroic monsters aren't so bad. Less violent. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[You do not need to know. You experienced it. You are allowed to have a feeling about your experience.]] FakeProwl: I'm not qualified to have an opinion about experiences I'm ill-equipped to understand. Drift: He was pretty violent. B l u r r: I guess so. Drift: Knocked down a guy's house for no real reason. B l u r r: He had a reason. Whirl: Oh, of course. *waves a claw* I mean, one person's word isn't the say-all, be-all about just about any art. Drift: Was kind of a vague on. B l u r r: In any case, it makes my insides hurt. Drift: ... No taking out parts of yourself. B l u r r: ... Well, we're a little late on that. Whirl: Though there are SOME arts that I will say are more objective than subjective--film isn't really one of em. Drift: Dammit, Blurr. B l u r r: I didn't do it right now. Drift: No taking out MORE parts. Show me your hands. B l u r r: I'm missing a lot of parts. B l u r r: / holds out claws. Empty / Drift: *takes them.* B l u r r: / wiggles digits / Drift: *wiggles fingers* B l u r r: See? Nothing. B l u r r: But, when I fought Thundertron, I was missing a lot of parts. Drift: Good. I'm keeping it that way. *hand is hold.* B l u r r: That was... a little after the whole thing with JT. B l u r r: / oh. Hold hands is nice / Whirl: *watches Blurr and Drift for a moment. Deep down, it still makes Whirl a little bit jealous, but for once, he's going to be happy for someone else; nobody makes Blurr perk up like Drift does* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Not sure how to respond to that. Surely Prowl has the right to say what the movie made him feel? Unless he doesn't know how he feels. Maybe that's the pipe talking.* Whirl: *the rare moment of almost-but-not-quite selflessness passes as quickly as a shooting star; if you blink, you'll miss it* B l u r r: In other news, I gained a fleet. An entire fleet. All with my flag on their airships. Drift: ... *squeezes hands tighter.* B l u r r: Though, I don't... remember the three weeks after I got them. /snort / Drift: *is like... 85% sure that BLURR wasn't the one who caused the fight with JT* B l u r r: / he waS / B l u r r: / flexes claws / Drift: Yeah? A fleet's cool. Drift: How many ships? B l u r r: er... I haven't counted. Drift: Gimme an estimate. B l u r r: ... /wrinkles nasal ridge / Fifty? B l u r r: / he's probably very wrong / Whirl: Damn, Teach, movin on up. B l u r r: / hums / Think so? B l u r r: / shifts/ You know... /nods at Whirl/ it's thanks to you I woke up at all, says Axis. So. If you ever want anything- well, I would have given it before. B l u r r: But, you know. Thanks. /flicks finials/ Dodge says so, too. Whirl: *tilts his head, then nods* If there's anything I know I'm good at, it's disturbing someone else's peaceful rest. Anytime, Teach. Drift: Wow, that's not bad. Most ships I've ever commanded at one time was ten. B l u r r: / snort/ ... / looks back at Drift / It's very hard. Drift: ... You helped him out, Whirl? B l u r r: Apparently Whirl manhandled Dart and NOS to get to me. /snort / Whirl: Because I couldn't trust those chumps to LEVEL with me. Whirl: They hid the whole "coma" thing for me for a whole night. Made an idiout out of me. They're lucky I didn't do something WORSE. B l u r r: It wasn't a coma. /vents / Drift: I guess that makes you... a hero. B l u r r: ..... Whirl: *LAUGHS* Whirl: *AND KEEPS ON LAUGHING* B l u r r: / snort / Whirl: *LAUGHS SO HARD HIS CRAPPY VOCALIZER STARTS GLITCHING OUT AND MAKING WEIRD DIAL-UP NOISES* Drift: Don't hurt yourself. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Startled back to the present. What is -- oh, Whirl. All right.* B l u r r: Yes, that wouldn't be ideal. Whirl: *wheezes* FakeProwl: ... That's painful too. FakeProwl: Are there more painful noises than usual or am I more sensitive than usual? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Both.]] Whirl: *with a modulated trill and a pop, his vocalizer resets* I get where you're going with that one, Drift, but I'm way too far in the red for that. Drift: Nobody's too far in the red for an act of heroism. B l u r r: I mean, look at me. B l u r r: You mechs keep calling ME a hero. Whirl: You're a lot younger than me. Whirl: I've had way more time to rack up terrible, terrible acts. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Has little else to say about the film in public, but may have something to say afterward. He is undecided.* Whirl: And, well, sorry Prowl, but that was involuntary. B l u r r: I don't know. I'm pretty fast on my pedes. I'm sure I've got a long record. ItsyBitsySpyers: *For now, he pings Prowl to alert him to incoming contact and traps his hand in a silent request for him to stay behind longer than the others - if possible. Health comes first.* Whirl: No helping you with that. You just gotta be sure never to make me laugh. ...which shouldn't be hard. B l u r r: In any case, that almost made me laugh. /snort / FakeProwl: My comment was involuntary too. B l u r r: / he doesn't laugh too often anymore at the moment / FakeProwl: Everything I've said for the past two movie nights has been completely involuntary. Whirl: *swivels his helm to stare at Prowl* FakeProwl: Except for any instances of "please," "thank you," "excuse me," "I'm sorry," or any other such etiquete phrases. Whirl: WHAT kinda DRUGS do they have you on? I thought you were acting kind of weird. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[The kinds of drugs you would expect for a mech with such an injury.]] FakeProwl: I told you, I'm not on anything. I turned off my pain receptors, I don't need anything. FakeProwl: I just have a pipe in my head. It is literally pushing my brain module. FakeProwl: Well. Not literally. It is literally pushing against my right optic, which is pushing my brain module. Whirl: I don't know what those kinds of drugs are. Do I look like a medic? *or someone who would be responsible enough to let a medic get their hands on him after an injury?* B l u r r: It's probably going to cause a few different changes. Depends on what it's pushing. Whirl: Oh. Whirl: ...wait. So, you're--like. This is brain damage talking? Right now? B l u r r: / taps his helm / If it's the frontal part or the left or right temporal areas. /vents/ Though , your processors are probably different. FakeProwl: Yes. Whirl: That. Explains a lot. FakeProwl: Did you think I was talking about my weaknesses and insecurities in a mixed crowd willingly? Whirl: I didn't know what your deal was, Prowl. FakeProwl: We founded a club together. You should at least notice when I'm acting blatantly and wildly out of character. Whirl: Maybe you're reinventing yourself. How'm I supposed to know? FakeProwl: ... Then again, nobody noticed when I had a Decepticon in my head, so why am I surprised. Whirl: I don't psychoanalyze everyone I meet. I'm not YOU. FakeProwl: The past few years have taught me that I'm far more mysterious then I've spent the past five million years of my life thinking I am. FakeProwl: I suppose that's a good thing, except for the fact that I learned this in the most depressing ways possible. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Had a--* Whirl: Well. ...hard lesson: learned, then, right? B l u r r: A lesson learned is a lesson learned all the same. FakeProwl: Yes. Hard lesson learned. Whirl: But if you don't wanna walk around compulsively just... telling the truth, all the time, maybe ask them to knock you out. Whirl: That's what I'd do, probably. FakeProwl: I can't do that. I have a pipe in my head. It might make the damage worse. B l u r r: What's so bad about telling the truth, anyway? B l u r r: I tell the truth all the time. FakeProwl: I have a lot of secrets. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[There are some things that should not be spoken aloud.]] B l u r r: So do I. Whirl: Maybe pump the brakes there, Prowl. B l u r r: I have a few skeletons in my closet . So what? Whirl: Before you go into that subject. *snorts* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Which is why he suggests moving on to other subjects.]] B l u r r: / hahaaa see what he did there? FakeProwl: Long Haul has started sitting next to my berth and putting a hand over my mouth before I say things he thinks I don't want to say. But he's not here. B l u r r: So pretend he is. FakeProwl: Blurr, we know about the skeletons in your closet. You threw a birthday party for one. They're not secrets. Whirl: ...would putting a hand on your mouth even stop a holoform from talking? B l u r r: Who said I only had one? FakeProwl: I said skeletons plural. B l u r r: And Dodge deserved that party. B l u r r: He's been a great support. Whirl: And, ey, you do you, Teach. If you wanna share your whole... deal with the world, have at it. B l u r r: /I/ don't tell people /anything/ anymore. Whirl: I, personally, just wanna save myself some embarrssment. No big secrets here. *WHAT A WHOPPER* B l u r r: Which is why I am in the situation I'm in. Whirl: *BUT ONE DELIVERED with an utterly straight face. ...well, "face."* FakeProwl: You have secrets. B l u r r: Everyone has secrets. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Everyone does.]] B l u r r: / finger guns at soundwave / B l u r r: / that's his form of a wink tbh / Whirl: I said "big" secrets. Whirl: I mean, yeah, I've got stuff I like to keep personal, of course I do. B l u r r: Look, everyone has one big secret they don't tell anyone. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Just one?]] B l u r r: / shrugs/ I have a lt. B l u r r: *lot. Whirl: Despite what you might have been told, *dryly* I am slightly more complicated that "a pair of guns attached to some legs." ItsyBitsySpyers: [[In his experience, most people have many more than that.]] Whirl: Nope. My sins have been laid bare. Mostly. FakeProwl: We're talking about everyone's one big secrets. This is dangerous because I'm going to start thinking about mine and then I'm going to say it. I'm leaving. Goodbye. FakeProwl: *he leaves. goodbye.* Whirl: ...oops. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Oh DAMN it. He should have known better. That's -- all right.* Whirl: That one wasn't my fault, for the record. B l u r r: /shrugs / B l u r r: The subject was brought up? FakeProwl: *AND FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE MANAGED TO SELF-CENSOR. BY REMOVING HIMSELF ENTIRELY.* Whirl: *YOU DID IT PROWL* B l u r r: / good job prowl! / B l u r r: / vents and shifts and stands to stretch. SAY HELLO TO SCARS AND NEW MODS / ItsyBitsySpyers: *He'll ping Prowl a 'well done'. And then an apology. Because he didn't quite think about that new subject.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Records those scars and mods, if they're visible.* Whirl: *watches Blurr for a bit and then pings Drift* @D: Hey. You know how Blurr is. Look after him, yeah? You're the only person he really trusts. B l u r r: / most of them are / Whirl: @D: And I'm not convinced that whatever took him down isn't over. B l u r r: / his mod is on his back so. here it is. Everyone check out the speed disc / Drift: @W «Sounds like you've been doing a pretty good job of looking after him lately.» B l u r r: / go speED RACER / Drift: @W «I mean—of course I'm going to look after him too, but... I'm trying to say thanks, basically.» Whirl: @D: As much as he'll let me, but there's a limit to that. Like it or not, you're responsible for this hot mess. Drift: Hey. *lightly smacks new mod.* So this is the big treasure, huh? B l u r r: / turns helm and spins around / Yep. B l u r r: Increases my speed ten fold. Whirl: *he doesn't look startled, or suspicious; he simply inclines his head in Drift's direction* @D: No sweat. Drift: Nice. How much damage does it do, though? Did Axis say it was safe? B l u r r: [[ everytime you @ Drift, I see a worried D: face and im like OH NO ]] Whirl: ((PFFT)) B l u r r: Axis already cleared me for using it. B l u r r: It wasn't the mod that broke my processor. Whirl: ((Drift's actual face when he finds out something bad happened to Blurr)) B l u r r: It didn't help, but... it wasn't that. FakeProwl: *prowl doesn't answer soundwave's ping because now he IS thinking about his secrets and talking about them to the constructicons.* FakeProwl: *so. yknow. better not call anyone else.* Drift: Even if it isn't, I wanna make sure it isn't gonna hurt anything else, you know? B l u r r: It won't. I think. B l u r r: All of this started with Tyran. I meddled... and I became friends with mechs I shouldn't have. B l u r r: And then HE came over and started spewing nonsense and /I/ was worried. Drift: More friends is always good. B l u r r: More friends, yes, sure. Maybe. B l u r r: But I don't think Roadbuster wants to be friends. Whirl: *streetches* All right,losers. I'm out. See you guys. B l u r r: In fact, I know he doesn't. B l u r r: ... /waves at Whirl / B l u r r: thanks... again. Whirl: *bobs his head at Blurr and Drift and Soundwave* Whirl: *...so, everyone left really* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Nods.* Drift: *waves* Drift: *and then rECLAIMS BLURR'S HANDS* B l u r r: / omg / B l u r r: / flickers optic / ... Hi. Whirl: Anytime, Teach! *and he is gone* Drift: Hi. :) B l u r r: ... /tilts helm / You're worrying about nothing, you know. Everything is fine. Drift: That's never true with you, Blurr. B l u r r: ... /long vent / All right, I'm not fine. But... I mean, I'm not dead? Drift: That's good. Stay that way. B l u r r: ... I can try. B l u r r: I made you the book because I didn't know how to explain... all of that. Drift: ... I think hanging out with the other Autobots might be good for you. Even if it's not your own Optimus. B l u r r: /makes a face / It's hard to do that... Drift: Yeah. Thanks. It helped. B l u r r: But, Roadbuster and Topspin visit sometimes. And Optimus seems to talk to me on a level that's more... the same level. B l u r r: Some human likes me. Drift: That's good. They're visiting you, they're talking to you... B l u r r: When they can. I guess they're busy with their whole... problem. Drift: ... You could go help them. B l u r r: .. no. B l u r r: I can't... that's how I got into this whole mess. Drift: I don't think it's a mess. You've met people who like hanging out with you.

Missed some.

B l u r r: ….. Whirl: *LAUGHS* Whirl: *AND KEEPS ON LAUGHING* B l u r r: / snort / Whirl: *LAUGHS SO HARD HIS CRAPPY VOCALIZER STARTS GLITCHING OUT AND MAKING WEIRD DIAL-UP NOISES* Drift: Don’t hurt yourself. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Startled back to the present. What is – oh, Whirl. All right.* B l u r r: Yes, that wouldn’t be ideal. Whirl: *wheezes* FakeProwl: … That’s painful too. FakeProwl: Are there more painful noises than usual or am I more sensitive than usual? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Both.]] Whirl: *with a modulated trill and a pop, his vocalizer resets* I get where you’re going with that one, Drift, but I’m way too far in the red for that. Drift: Nobody’s too far in the red for an act of heroism. B l u r r: I mean, look at me. B l u r r: You mechs keep calling ME a hero. Whirl: You’re a lot younger than me. Whirl: I’ve had way more time to rack up terrible, terrible acts. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Has little else to say about the film in public, but may have something to say afterward. He is undecided.* Whirl: And, well, sorry Prowl, but that was involuntary. B l u r r: I don’t know. I’m pretty fast on my pedes. I’m sure I’ve got a long record. ItsyBitsySpyers: *For now, he pings Prowl to alert him to incoming contact and traps his hand in a silent request for him to stay behind longer than the others - if possible. Health comes first.* Whirl: No helping you with that. You just gotta be sure never to make me laugh. …which shouldn’t be hard. B l u r r: In any case, that almost made me laugh. /snort / FakeProwl: My comment was involuntary too. B l u r r: / he doesn’t laugh too often anymore at the moment / FakeProwl: Everything I’ve said for the past two movie nights has been completely involuntary. Whirl: *swivels his helm to stare at Prowl* FakeProwl: Except for any instances of “please,” “thank you,” “excuse me,” “I’m sorry,” or any other such etiquete phrases. Whirl: WHAT kinda DRUGS do they have you on? I thought you were acting kind of weird. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[The kinds of drugs you would expect for a mech with such an injury.]] FakeProwl: I told you, I’m not on anything. I turned off my pain receptors, I don’t need anything. FakeProwl: I just have a pipe in my head. It is literally pushing my brain module. FakeProwl: Well. Not literally. It is literally pushing against my right optic, which is pushing my brain module. Whirl: I don’t know what those kinds of drugs are. Do I look like a medic? *or someone who would be responsible enough to let a medic get their hands on him after an injury?* B l u r r: It’s probably going to cause a few different changes. Depends on what it’s pushing. Whirl: Oh. Whirl: …wait. So, you’re–like. This is brain damage talking? Right now? B l u r r: / taps his helm / If it’s the frontal part or the left or right temporal areas. /vents/ Though , your processors are probably different. FakeProwl: Yes. Whirl: That. Explains a lot. FakeProwl: Did you think I was talking about my weaknesses and insecurities in a mixed crowd willingly? Whirl: I didn’t know what your deal was, Prowl. FakeProwl: We founded a club together. You should at least notice when I’m acting blatantly and wildly out of character. Whirl: Maybe you’re reinventing yourself. How’m I supposed to know? FakeProwl: … Then again, nobody noticed when I had a Decepticon in my head, so why am I surprised. Whirl: I don’t psychoanalyze everyone I meet. I’m not YOU. FakeProwl: The past few years have taught me that I’m far more mysterious then I’ve spent the past five million years of my life thinking I am. FakeProwl: I suppose that’s a good thing, except for the fact that I learned this in the most depressing ways possible. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Had a–* Whirl: Well. …hard lesson: learned, then, right? B l u r r: A lesson learned is a lesson learned all the same. FakeProwl: Yes. Hard lesson learned. Whirl: But if you don’t wanna walk around compulsively just… telling the truth, all the time, maybe ask them to knock you out. Whirl: That’s what I’d do, probably. FakeProwl: I can’t do that. I have a pipe in my head. It might make the damage worse. B l u r r: What’s so bad about telling the truth, anyway? B l u r r: I tell the truth all the time. FakeProwl: I have a lot of secrets. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[There are some things that should not be spoken aloud.]] B l u r r: So do I. Whirl: Maybe pump the brakes there, Prowl. B l u r r: I have a few skeletons in my closet . So what? Whirl: Before you go into that subject. *snorts* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Which is why he suggests moving on to other subjects.]] B l u r r: / hahaaa see what he did there? FakeProwl: Long Haul has started sitting next to my berth and putting a hand over my mouth before I say things he thinks I don’t want to say. But he’s not here. B l u r r: So pretend he is. FakeProwl: Blurr, we know about the skeletons in your closet. You threw a birthday party for one. They’re not secrets. Whirl: …would putting a hand on your mouth even stop a holoform from talking? B l u r r: Who said I only had one? FakeProwl: I said skeletons plural. B l u r r: And Dodge deserved that party. B l u r r: He’s been a great support. Whirl: And, ey, you do you, Teach. If you wanna share your whole… deal with the world, have at it. B l u r r: /I/ don’t tell people /anything/ anymore. Whirl: I, personally, just wanna save myself some embarrssment. No big secrets here. *WHAT A WHOPPER* B l u r r: Which is why I am in the situation I’m in. Whirl: *BUT ONE DELIVERED with an utterly straight face. …well, “face.”* FakeProwl: You have secrets. B l u r r: Everyone has secrets. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Everyone does.]] B l u r r: / finger guns at soundwave / B l u r r: / that’s his form of a wink tbh / Whirl: I said “big” secrets. Whirl: I mean, yeah, I’ve got stuff I like to keep personal, of course I do. B l u r r: Look, everyone has one big secret they don’t tell anyone. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Just one?]] B l u r r: / shrugs/ I have a lt. B l u r r: *lot. Whirl: Despite what you might have been told, *dryly* I am slightly more complicated that “a pair of guns attached to some legs.” ItsyBitsySpyers: [[In his experience, most people have many more than that.]] Whirl: Nope. My sins have been laid bare. Mostly. FakeProwl: We’re talking about everyone’s one big secrets. This is dangerous because I’m going to start thinking about mine and then I’m going to say it. I’m leaving. Goodbye. FakeProwl: *he leaves. goodbye.* Whirl: …oops. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Oh DAMN it. He should have known better. That’s – all right.* Whirl: That one wasn’t my fault, for the record. B l u r r: /shrugs / B l u r r: The subject was brought up? FakeProwl: *AND FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE MANAGED TO SELF-CENSOR. BY REMOVING HIMSELF ENTIRELY.* Whirl: *YOU DID IT PROWL* B l u r r: / good job prowl! / B l u r r: / vents and shifts and stands to stretch. SAY HELLO TO SCARS AND NEW MODS / ItsyBitsySpyers: *He’ll ping Prowl a ‘well done’. And then an apology. Because he didn’t quite think about that new subject.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Records those scars and mods, if they’re visible.* Whirl: *watches Blurr for a bit and then pings Drift* @D: Hey. You know how Blurr is. Look after him, yeah? You’re the only person he really trusts. B l u r r: / most of them are / Whirl: @D: And I’m not convinced that whatever took him down isn’t over. B l u r r: / his mod is on his back so. here it is. Everyone check out the speed disc / Drift: @W «Sounds like you’ve been doing a pretty good job of looking after him lately.» B l u r r: / go speED RACER / Drift: @W «I mean—of course I’m going to look after him too, but… I’m trying to say thanks, basically.» Whirl: @D: As much as he’ll let me, but there’s a limit to that. Like it or not, you’re responsible for this hot mess. Drift: Hey. *lightly smacks new mod.* So this is the big treasure, huh? B l u r r: / turns helm and spins around / Yep. B l u r r: Increases my speed ten fold. Whirl: *he doesn’t look startled, or suspicious; he simply inclines his head in Drift’s direction* @D: No sweat. Drift: Nice. How much damage does it do, though? Did Axis say it was safe? B l u r r: [[ everytime you @ Drift, I see a worried D: face and im like OH NO ]] Whirl: ((PFFT)) B l u r r: Axis already cleared me for using it. B l u r r: It wasn’t the mod that broke my processor. Whirl: ((Drift’s actual face when he finds out something bad happened to Blurr)) B l u r r: It didn’t help, but… it wasn’t that. FakeProwl: *prowl doesn’t answer soundwave’s ping because now he IS thinking about his secrets and talking about them to the constructicons.* FakeProwl: *so. yknow. better not call anyone else.* Drift: Even if it isn’t, I wanna make sure it isn’t gonna hurt anything else, you know? B l u r r: It won’t. I think. B l u r r: All of this started with Tyran. I meddled… and I became friends with mechs I shouldn’t have. B l u r r: And then HE came over and started spewing nonsense and /I/ was worried. Drift: More friends is always good. B l u r r: More friends, yes, sure. Maybe. B l u r r: But I don’t think Roadbuster wants to be friends. Whirl: *streetches* All right,losers. I’m out. See you guys. B l u r r: In fact, I know he doesn’t. B l u r r: … /waves at Whirl / B l u r r: thanks… again. Whirl: *bobs his head at Blurr and Drift and Soundwave* Whirl: *…so, everyone left really* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Nods.* Drift: *waves* Drift: *and then rECLAIMS BLURR’S HANDS* B l u r r: / omg / B l u r r: / flickers optic / … Hi. Whirl: Anytime, Teach! *and he is gone* Drift: Hi. :) B l u r r: … /tilts helm / You’re worrying about nothing, you know. Everything is fine. Drift: That’s never true with you, Blurr. B l u r r: … /long vent / All right, I’m not fine. But… I mean, I’m not dead? Drift: That’s good. Stay that way. B l u r r: … I can try. B l u r r: I made you the book because I didn’t know how to explain… all of that. Drift: … I think hanging out with the other Autobots might be good for you. Even if it’s not your own Optimus. B l u r r: /makes a face / It’s hard to do that… Drift: Yeah. Thanks. It helped. B l u r r: But, Roadbuster and Topspin visit sometimes. And Optimus seems to talk to me on a level that’s more… the same level. B l u r r: Some human likes me. Drift: That’s good. They’re visiting you, they’re talking to you… B l u r r: When they can. I guess they’re busy with their whole… problem. Drift: … You could go help them. B l u r r: .. no. B l u r r: I can’t… that’s how I got into this whole mess. Drift: I don’t think it’s a mess. You’ve met people who like hanging out with you. B l u r r: That’s not the mess, Drift. Drift: What’s the mess, then? B l u r r: / makes a face/ Roadbuster… he and I weren’t supposed to… Drift: … I don’t think that’s a mess, either. B l u r r: What if I’m just attaching onto him because I miss mine? B l u r r: Without knowing it. Drift: So what if you are? Drift: He’s got the same traits you liked in the first one. B l u r r: I don’t replace people. Everyone is unique. B l u r r: What if I’m with him for the wrong reasons ? Drift: What’s wrong with being with him because you’re attracted to him for the same reasons you were attracted to his alternate? B l u r r: … Because I don’t want to forget my Wrecker. B l u r r: And then there’s JT… B l u r r: / makes a slight noise. Something between a gag and a whine. It’s odd. / Drift: You’ll never forget your Wrecker. I promise. Drift: *yeah. JT. grimaces.* Drift: … I’m sorry. B l u r r: …What for? /flicks finials/ B l u r r: Don’t. It was my fault. Drift: *vague shrug. can’t say for messing that up because Blurr hasn’t admitted it was Drift’s fault.* B l u r r: [[ IT WAS BOTH OUR FAULTS ]] Drift: Just—sorry. That’s all. B l u r r: … Well. There in lies the problem. B l u r r: He came back. Drift: … He did? Drift: Wait. So, does he wanna—? B l u r r: / vents/ When I left… he chased me off his ship. B l u r r: Said he never wanted to see me again. B l u r r: So, imagine my surprise when he’s knocking on my door… B l u r r: A month later. Drift: … That’s a good sign. B l u r r: A month after being stuck with Velocity. B l u r r: Does a lot of damage, honestly. B l u r r: But, from the beginning, I didn’t say anything to anybody. After that whole fight with JT, I figured it was over. B l u r r: / shrugs shoulders/ What can I say? I lost it.

it's almost 3am but i barely feel sleepy enough to go to sleep + not awake enough to get up on the laptop and doodle for a bit

so let's just mind dump here:

- the chorus/ ending chorus for god is a woman still rings in my head

- i think my drawing skills are lacking rn, that or i should put more heart and soul into them

- the new ovw short + people talking abt the matching names d//mon and d//va; for some reason i emphasize the 'mon' and the 'va' now so it doesn't even sound like demon/ diva, it's just deeMon/ deeVah

- i had trouble spelling the words 'soul' and 'emphasize' so far in making this post

- being in that weird void of not having this thing to obsess about is so gotdang boring

- then again, i caught up reading bn//ha so maybe i'll be back in that

- people who draw mic in such dashing and pretty hairstyles w/ his long hair is doing God's work

- speaking of religion i never finished assman creed; it sucks anyways

- oh that also reminds me, i'm craving to play ratchet+clank again (and i miss playing n*ir a*tomata so much ;;)

- fucking tumblr bs where you gotta censor some words bc you don't want it to go into the tags even tho you didn't tag it, it tracks the entire post

- man, i'm sleepy

- i'm really just writing down whatever thought i have, i'm gonna post when i feel like i'm gonna sleep

- everyone who was into ll! got in to bando, the theatre anime, h-n-k, kpop, or all of the above (and the rare few that got into other stuff)

- i feel bad for missing the daily login bonuses for p&d :( i wanted to Get Good at that game, but i don't even know how to build my teams ad i'm at lvl 70 or smth

- it's so satisfying getting a large hit combo but not when it's only against a weak/ already badly injured monster

- why do we all still go to this hellsite

- remember when i used to be a s-p-rwh-l-ck + into h-t-al-- god what a disaster timeline would it be if i still was, it's such a stain in my past

- at least h-tal-- was one of my gay awakening bc all of the female countries were so cute

- ... actually i think the american ver. of sh-rl-ck was one too bc lucy liu fucking kicked ass

- "the female characters are all so cool!! the male characters are alright too i guess"

- sorry for writing a lot, but if you read this far then dang

- speaking of old things i used to be in (i'm gonna look like those emo scene kids in 2008 or whatever) god TOP's old songs are rly good, and i remember finding them during one summer night at like. 5am. finding tracklists and one of them was a playlist to get your feelings out or smth? and i remember being in a complete low pit all year, and holding onto you was one of the songs in the list and i remember crying when i heard it and listening to the song over and over bc it had this kind of emotion i wanted to scream out too. not a big fan of the recent songs, but literally all the songs before those like. helped me. god i probably sound stupid saying this but top really did help me vent out a lot of pent up emotion inside of me

- reasons why holding onto you holds a special place for me, i think it's one of those songs where you sorta put on blast and scream along to just toget things off your chest

- there was also a playlist for feeling dysphoric or smth similar (this was when i saw myself as agender) and it wasn't that bad. i remember hearing this one song tho... it was really good but the lyrics sounded creepy, but it had meaning behind them...? i don't remember anything else other than finding it in a playlist

- i also listened to a bunch of gay related playlists bc i think that was also when i was finding more labels to try out

- also. vocaloid songs is still so good

- also, i need/ want more song recommendations bc i've been listening to a bunch of songs on repeatedly everyday and i'm losing my mind

- it's now 3:25am but i still feel like writing

-....u know what nah, good night, and if you read this far then thanks for reading i guess lol

hi there i hope it's all right to vent to u? if not just disregard this message then euiskwkw but ive been struggling quite a bit these past few months. the best way to describe how ive been feeling through the majority of these months would be empty or detached? i feel like even when im simply existing and not doing anything, i fail to feel anything? it's different than what ive experienced before. it's harder for me to laugh and smile, to want to talk to anyone. whenever people talk to me -

(2/4) now, it’s harder to interact with them because i just don’t feel like it? and it’s not personal. i don’t know… and lately ive been feeling really sad because of friend jealousy :( i have an online friend who im quite close to but, they’ve been making new friends who they seem to be getting along with a lot better. ive seen their interactions on my dash and tl and… they seem to find the person incredibly funny and overall great. to clarify, im not the kind of person who’s against my friends -

(¾)  making friends. i should be happy and i want to be happy for them but…. my heart hurts a lot. i feel like we’re becoming disconnected. ive tried to talk to them but i feel like our conversations run short; i just don’t know what to say sometimes and it just makes me sad. this is all… making me really upset because i feel like this person is better than me in so many ways so it’s like. of course they’re going to like this person more :/ sorry this got so long but thank u for reading, it’s -

(4/4)  really appreciated 💞

hey there! ofc you’re always welcome to vent to me ! im all ears. First of all, I want to say you’re not alone in feeling of emptiness and detachment. I know exactly what you mean when you say even if ‘you’re not doing anything, you cant feel anything’. I went through the same thing and frankly speaking, the feeling comes back once in a while. There was a need to isolate myself from others because I was tired of putting up a front (i came to that conclusion after much thought, so maybe you can try and sit down and narrow it down as to potential reasons as to why you started behaving this way,, not everything is black & white). If you think that may also be why you’re closing yourself off, I think some time for yourself is good. Being around people may be exhausting, and I think it’s okay if we decide to rest for a while. so i hope you don’t stress yourself out over the fact that you can’t seem to connect to people as easily anymore, maybe you need to connect w yourself now ? 

also ! i think freidn jealosuy isn’t uncommon, everyone experiences it. to think about it more positively… it means you really treasure your relationship w that friend! though it also means we’re insecure (which is completely fine!). we often compare ourselves to others, and yes it’s unhealthhy but it’s something everyone struggles with. @ this time, maybe since you’re more vulnerable, your insecurities are getting the best of you. BUT !!!over time, i strongly believe you’l regain your confidence. You also said that you’re usually supportive of your friends !! I think this feeling of jealousy will pass in due time. idk if im really making any sense / helping the situation, but i think both of your problems are corrolated with one another. i think it’ll get better when you let yourself rest, and understand that it’s ok if you’re not smiling/laughing as often. if you wanna talk to me some more im always willing to listen! you can always message me too ^^