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nightshade-minho · 3 years

Text

MOONSTORM [ iii ]

You know that feeling when you know you’ve made a terrible mistake?

Yes. That feeling.

It’s a feeling that never really goes away. You had to learn that the hard way.

Irrevocable actions, stupid mistakes. You were heart-wrenchingly familiar with all of it.

To err was human apparently. You...weren’t human, though.

It seems like being superhuman was insignificant, after all. At the end of the day, nothing mattered. None of your powers did.

Despite it all, you still lost him.

warnings: depressing shit (it gets better though dw) mentions of death, violence, sexual content, future smut

wc: 2.8k

moonstorm masterlist

It felt like the world had lost all color.

It had happened so many months ago, and yet it still felt like it happened just yesterday. The memories of stumbling out of his lair, covered in his blood and your tears, still fresh in your mind.

The image of his face, betrayed and yet so calm as he uttered those last words to you...it haunted you constantly.

You found yourself looking at the moon every night, dreaming about what could have been. The nightmares endlessly plagued your sleep as well, causing you to fear even your own bed.

No...even after Hyunjin's effects on you wore off, your own brain took on the responsibility of torturing you by conjuring up more heartbreaking dreams. Dreams which made you long for something you knew you’d lost forever- never to be yours again.

You never truly realized how much you’d gotten used to having him around. Life was so glaringly empty and meaningless without him. It was a complicated relationship…and yet it still left a giant hole in you. An all-encompassing despair that threatened to swallow you up.

With him gone, it just didn’t feel right to be a superhero anymore. How could you be the strong role model for everyone in the city to rely on when you knew just how weak you’d become? Even when the newspapers were covered with your heroics, even as the mayor addressed the city and expressed his desire to give you a medal for stopping yet another supervillain from roaming the streets- you stubbornly refused to don that costume ever again.

You stayed hidden through it all. You just couldn’t bring yourself to go out in public anymore. Your vigilante costume lay forgotten in the back of your closet- crumpled and sad.

It just...felt wrong. At the moment you felt nothing but pathetic. You didn’t have time to waste saving a snotty kitten stuck on a tree or stop a petty criminal from robbing a bank- all you were fit to do was eat ice cream straight from the can, and watch a soulless movie. The same routine, day in and day out. You hadn’t left your apartment in nearly a month, not even to buy groceries. Every second was spent wrapped up in blankets, pondering what you’d done.

Was that selfish of you? Probably. You were discovering new flaws by the second.

Sighing, you sat up a little, your ass almost numb from how long you’d spent lying down. Glancing up, you saw your father’s portrait looking down at you. You swallowed and slowly stood up from your bed, groaning to yourself. Why did he suddenly seem so disappointed?

Maybe a little bit of fresh air is what you needed, considering you were starting to believe the paintings were changing expressions. After all, you had work to do anyway- might as well take advantage of the nearby café’s free WiFi.

***

Here at last.

You sat down in the corner of the café, so tired you could barely move a muscle. But you had to get a move on with your life- the recovery should have happened by now.

And yet here you were, months later. Nothing seemed to be able to fill the hole he left behind, and even now you wished you could go back home as soon as possible.

Had it...had it been a mistake?

Of course it had. Your misery was evidence, and you weren’t sure how much longer you could convince yourself that you’d done it for the good of the city.

The truth was... Hwang Hyunjin scared you.

He made you feel things, made you want to be someone else entirely. Every ounce of rigidity and austerity you’d imposed in yourself disappeared every time you were with him. He made you want to give everything up- give up all the responsibilities and burdens you carried on your shoulders to be with him. To be like him- free.

It wasn’t Hyunjin who was a threat to the city. No, not directly.

It was you- or rather the lack of you.

This city needed you to survive, and if Hyunjin managed to change you...it surely wouldn’t have lasted long without your help. Hyunjin had never really been the city’s biggest threat- there were far worse villains and it was them who you really fought against.

He was more of just an inconvenience, someone you had to deal with from time to time. And then he’d struck that deal- after which the nature of your relationship had turned into something entirely different.

Every time he acted up, it was usually just a ploy to get your attention. And attention was exactly what he got. You’d reinforced his behavior like an idiot.

You told yourself it was a chore, but it wasn’t all that convincing. You’d loved spending those nights in his bed, loved the way he was an expert at making you come undone with his body and his words.

It really had seemed like a good idea at the time. The right thing to do. However, it was quickly starting to seem like anything but.

You sighed as your mind tried its best not to travel back all those months. Dipping a teabag into the liquid, you mindlessly observed the customers in the cafe. Many of them were young, teenagers who were heading out before class.

You sighed as you recalled your own high school days, the times Hyunjin and you had hung out in a cafe much like this one.

“You don’t have to help me with this project, you know.”

“Ah, shush. It’s our final year. I’m not going to leave you alone.” He smiled as he flipped through his books, taking a sip of his coffee occasionally.

“You act like you’re not sticking to me like white on rice the rest of the year.” You roll your eyes, chuckling to yourself.

“Don’t get snippy with me, missy.” He smirked, still thumbing the pages nonchalantly. “Or I’ll have to punish you.”

“You- I- what?” You wouldn’t admit it, but the thought caused a fluttering sensation in more than one place. It was a little bit of a shock, considering the two of you had done nothing more than make out and flirt, until now.

“Chill. I’m kidding.” He shook his head, looking up at you. “Unless…” He wiggled his eyebrows.

“Stop it! I’m supposed to be working right now.” You whined, swatting him with a rolled up paper.

“I don’t care.” He tapped his fingers on the table. “Hm...do you know what I’m thinking of right now, Y/n?”

“W-what?”

“Thinking about how easy it would be to slip my fingers under your skirt and play with that pretty pussy of yours. I’m pretty sure it’s soaked your underwear through by now.”

Fuck.

Your cheeks flushed as you stared at your plate. You couldn’t find it in yourself to respond properly- his mere words had already turned you to a mess.

“S-shut up.” You mumbled, reading out formulas aloud as you tried to divert your attention from it. Hyunjin let out a teasing chuckle at your lame attempt to change the topic, shaking his head as he stared at his book again, unaware you were looking over your own at him, pressing your thighs together subtly.

God, he was so...so annoying.

You snapped out of it, sighing as you looked around at the much less crowded cafe. Had it always looked so dull? So lifeless?

The thought of him was hurtful- it felt like a dull knife, screwing itself into you. Reminding you what you’d done.

You’d killed the love of your life.

And now? There was no way to bring him back.

***

“Murder is never something a superhero should resort to. A good hero always stays true to themselves- they only kill if it’s absolutely necessary.”

A cough.

“But of course...villains are exempt from that rule. Killing one villain’s life could save countless others.”

Hm. You weren’t exactly sure if your father was right. Although you were just a child, you still had some knowledge of morality.

Was he? Killing just...seemed wrong. You didn’t know if you could bring yourself to do it, no matter how evil the person was.

“Surely there are other ways to neutralize someone evil, Father?”

He narrowed his eyes at you, before shaking his head coldly. “Untrue.”

“The truth is, some lives are expendable, my dear Y/n…” Another cough, before he cleared his throat and fixed his gaze back on you.

“You must always look for the greater good.”

***

You still remembered the day you first met Hyunjin.

He was 13, and you were just a little younger. Your families were good comrades and allies, so your eventual meeting had already been planned.

The two of you were in the living room with everyone else as they talked to each other, mingling and chattering like adults usually did. Hyunjin and you made an unanimous decision to sneak out to the rooftop, and get to know each other better.

“So...our parents are allies now, hm? This means we’re going to see each other a lot more.”

“Of course we are! We’re both prodigies, like my dad and your mom...we inherited their powers, so they’re obviously going to want to cultivate those.”

“You speak pretty fancy for a 12 year old.”

“Hey, so do you! Besides, we’re gifted, aren’t we?”

“Hm.” He sighed, swinging his legs and inhaling. After a few seconds of silence, he spoke up again.

“Do you actually like having these powers?”

“Oh? Well, yeah...I do...my father tells me stories of his days as a superhero. I want to help people, just like him.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d much rather live a normal life. Get a normal job, find someone to love, and have a normal marriage in a normal town.”

You pressed your lips together. “To each their own, I guess. Personally, I just want to get rid of all the evil in the world and make my father proud.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“Evil…” He tapped his chin. “How does one even know the difference between good and evil?”

You raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean? I’m pretty sure it would be obvious in every situation.”

“I disagree. The distinction is blurry. No one knows for sure, and definitely not at first glance.” He sighed. “I would know.”

You brought your knees to your chest as you observed the city below. “Well, I guess you’re right…” you paused, your heart feeling a little heavy for some reason.

“Do you know?”

“The line between good and evil is thin, Y/n. I can’t say I know for sure. But do you know what will always help you remember?”

“What?”

“Your heart.” He said softly, glancing at you and offering you a small smile.

“Just do whatever feels right...trust yourself.”

***

You sighed and shut your laptop.

Home. You needed to go home, cause your heart ached too much. You definitely weren’t ready to go back to work yet. You hadn’t done anything productive today really, just drink coffee and reflect on your actions. Regretting....regretting it all.

It’d been wrong. The wrong choice, the wrong decision.

You knew that, now. There could have been another way. You shouldn’t have rushed into it like that...how could you?

You felt a surge of hatred towards yourself engulf you. It was all your fault, this pain you were feeling. You didn’t have anyone to direct this immense anger towards except yourself. You realized this little fact in horror, your heart clenching as you wished things could have been different.

Finishing off your coffee, you placed a few bills on the table as you left the café, heading home. Ready to burrow under the blankets again, wallow in your self pity and pain. There wasn’t much else to do except succumb to acceptance.

You made your way down the street, humming the saddest song you knew under your breath.

All of a sudden, you felt eyes burning into your back. Your own eyes widening slightly, you turned around quickly-

But there was no one there.

Weird. Sighing, you decided to go back to going over your plans for tonight in your mind.

Maybe watch a movie in hopes of triggering some sort of emotion in you...or maybe take a bath, light some candles and listen to depressing music- shit.

It happened again. Someone was following you- you could feel it. Uncomfortable, your breathing slowly started getting heavier as you tried to formulate some kind of plan in your head-

The next thing that happened was so sudden you barely registered it for a second.

Your hand was gripped, so tightly you felt it would bruise. Aggressive, shocking and swift as lightning- it took several seconds before you realized someone was trying to kidnap you.

“Stop! Leave me alone!”

Struggling against the person holding you, you caught a glimpse of the masked man and decided to scream, hoping to gain some attention from somebody, anybody. There was no way this was happening, not right now. Your day had already been bad enough, why was the universe so intent on rubbing salt in your wounds?!

The urge to fight had never been stronger. Yet there was no strength left in your body. You couldn’t fight back against this man- he was taller than you and somehow even matched you in strength. Unless you exposed your powers, there was no way you would get yourself out of this predicament. Somehow you managed to smack him with your arm weakly, making him hiss.

“Let me go, please!”

The coffee cup fell out of your hand, brown liquid spilling all over the ground as you were pulled into the dark alley so quickly, no one would notice. Your eyes darted about in panic, trying to work out a possible escape route when the masked man caged you in, his arms on either side of you.

A horrible sense of déjà vu enveloped you. It’s all you can do to not scream, trying to keep yourself calm so that you could escape.

It’s ok, breathe in...and concentrate.

The heat within you started to crackle, your palms beginning to burn up gradually.

Your eyes blinked as you decided to try and take a good look at the person holding you. Their head was covered with a black mask, their finger held over their mouth as they ran their eyes over your distressed expression.

Inhale. Exhale.

“What the fuck are you doing?” You hissed, staying still and pretending to give up the struggle. “Unhand me now, or you’ll regret it, trust me-“

“Shh! Y/n, please…” He shushed you, his voice shaky.

You stopped in your tracks.

Huh?

That voice…

“I’ll explain... but first we need to get out of here, fuck-” He looked from side to side quickly, scanning his surroundings.

Shit. Why does that voice sound so familiar?

“Who- who are you?!” You managed to get out, the heat fading away as deep, panicked confusion took over you instead.

There was a small sigh as your assailant stood up a little straighter, groaning. And then, his fingers deftly pulled the mask off, clutching it in his hands tightly.

Golden locks spilled out, a handsome visage coming into view. Plump lips and beautiful eyes, looking oh so familiar.

No.

It couldn’t be. This wasn’t happening. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the actual fuck was going on?

It’s him.

But it can’t be.

How? It’s not possible-

You’re definitely losing your mind.

The man’s breathing got quicker as he watched your expression morph from fear into one of pure, electric shock.

“I know you’re shocked, Y/n, but please listen to-“

Your chest started heaving, quickly rising and falling as your heart pounded against your rib cage.

This...could not be happening. What was this? Was this a nightmare? Yet another sick, twisted dream? He couldn’t be standing right in front of you...it was impossible. No. No no no no no no no.

It was all too overwhelming, and your brain and body seemed to agree on that. Your mind swam, your thoughts all over the place as you felt yourself sway on your feet.

“This- I-“ You stumbled over your words, tears slipping past quickly as you tried to form words to express what you felt.

Pain. Searing pain, taking over, spreading from head to toe.

Your breathing slowed as the world suddenly went black, Hyunjin’s shouts in the background fading away...until there was nothing but silence.

Pure, unadulterated silence.

#hyunjin smut #hyunjin angst #skz smut #skz angst #hwang hyunjin smut #stray kids smut #stray kids angst #hyunjin x reader #hyunjin scenarios #hyunjin imagines

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cosmicjoke · 3 years

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Alright, on to chapter 126 of AoT!

I’ve been waiting to get to this chapter and talk about it a bit!

It’s, in a lot of ways, kind of the climax of the development we’ve seen between Levi’s and Hange’s character’s since the start of the time skip, and really since Hange took over as Commander of the SC.

One thing I want to talk about is Hange’s reaction at the start of the chapter, after they shoot that one soldier dead. They’re crying, and while obviously this is in part because of the pain of having to turn against one of their own, the pain of having to choose, and pick one life over the other, this being Levi’s life over the soldiers pursuing them, when I first read this chapter some months back, my initial impression was that Hange was crying, also, because of the tragedy of the entire situation, in which both they and Levi, two veteran members of the SC, who had dedicated everything they had, from the beginning, to the salvation of humanity, were now being hunted by the very people they’d tried so hard to protect. It’s an incredibly powerful image of Hange, their expression one of hardened determination, while a tear slides down their cheek, and it’s the next two panels, Hange going back to Levi, and telling him “There’s no one after us now. Levi...” which really gave me the impression that their tears were for him too, for the helpless, vulnerable state Levi is in, for him being at deaths door, for the tragedy of their being betrayed by their own people, and how it’s led to this. It strikes me as particularly heartbreaking, that Levi and Hange both were the most dedicated and selfless of soldiers for the Survey Corps, the two that in many ways most embodied the ideals of that group, to fight for and protect humanity, no matter the sacrifice to themselves. Levi especially never expressed or conveyed any desire for himself, not even something as simple as curiosity, but fought only for the hope of one day giving humanity back it’s freedom. I think Hange’s tears are shed here because of that, because they have to look at Levi like this now, broken, almost dead, ravaged and betrayed by the very people he fought and risked his life for again and again and again, unable to fight back as those same people now come to kill him. That Hange had to kill two of those very people in order to protect Levi’s life is what, I think, is so tragic to them, what brings them to tears.

Hange’s entire dialog in the forest, when they think Levi is unconscious still, reveals a lot too, I think. They talk about how they’ll be on the run for the rest of their lives in the Yaegerist’s take control of the island, how they’ve now become “enemies of the state”, and that reflects, again, the tragedy I think Hange feels over their situation. How it’s them specifically, them and Levi, who are now being hunted, all their previous contributions and dedication to humanity’s cause forgotten and thrown in the trash. It’s reflected too in how we see the Yaegerist’s take up the chant of “Dedicate your hearts” twisting it to fit their own, deluded views and beliefs, perverting it until it loses all of his previous meaning. “Dedicate your hearts” was what the members of the Survery Corps cried out in service to humanity, in service to humanity’s survival, it’s hope and freedom. And now, the Yaegerist’s are using it as a cry for the destruction of humanity, for the eradication of everyone but themselves. What Levi and Hange both fought for in their military service was to save humanity, they both represented that ideal in pureness and conviction, never wavering or straying from it, and so the Yaegerist’s specific persecution of them really highlights just how corrupted and perverted their own driving philosophy is. That they wish to destroy the two soldiers who most encompassed in themselves the genuine ideal of the Survey Corps, the salvation of humanity, the desire to make a better world, a better future, a hopeful future, for the most people possible. The Yeagerist’s want to stamp that out, and Levi and Hange are like the last, real bastions of that ideal in living, tangible form.

I think that’s only emphasized in how neither Hange nor Levi ever consider for even a moment the possibility of giving up and letting Eren have his way. Every other member of the SC, Armin, Mikasa, Jean, Connie, at some point, contemplated and even for a brief moment, accepted, that there was nothing they could do, and were going to stay on the island and just let the Rumbling happen. They give up, even if only for a moment, and try to logically excuse that decision. But Levi asks Hange in that forest, “If we keep running and hiding, what will that get us?”, and reminds Hange that he knows them too well to buy that they were ever genuinely thinking of staying there and doing nothing. It isn’t an option, for either of them. Inaction has never been something either of them could abide. Levi specifically was drawn to Erwin because of his refusal to do nothing, to have the guts to make a decision, no matter the outcome, and Levi himself has always strived to act, to do the same and make a choice, and to commit to that choice fully, and accept the consequences. So neither of them were ever going to give up, were ever going to just sit there and let the Rumbling happen. Both Levi and Hange really affirm beyond doubt in this moment how deeply they embody the ideals and goals of the Survey Corps, to dedicate your heart, body and soul, for the sake of humanity. To sacrifice your own hopes and dreams, even your very life, for that ideal. It’s never even a question for them. And them being the last two surviving members of the SC veterans, it only feels appropriate. They were there before everything changed, when it really was just a pure and simple attempt to defeat the Titans and win humanity back their freedom, and there they remain, even after everything has changed, the circumstances, the stakes, the enemy, still fighting for that same goal, to save humanity.

I also just want to point out the look of total despair on Levi’s face when Hange asks him what happened with Zeke, and later on in the chapter, when they’re talking to Pieck and Magath. I think Levi is burdened by a deep sense of regret here, which is something he always tries his best not to be, and it’s because he allowed Zeke to escape, which led to him making contact with Eren and setting this entire disaster off. Levi chastises himself, saying “I screwed up. I wasn’t able to figure out if he was truly ready to die... I let him get away again.”. I think Levi is blaming himself for what’s happening, even though it’s really not his fault, it’s Zeke’s and Eren’s. But Levi’s almost obsession with making choices without regret is born from, I think, a deep struggle to hold to that philosophy. He tries so hard to believe in it, to live it, But I think Levi struggles with believing in it, with making a firm and unyielding choice, and pushing past whatever the consequences are to keep moving forward. He’s someone who’s experienced so much pain and loss in his life, and because of that, because of those experiences and that grief, just over and over again having everything he’s ever loved and cared for ripped away from him, its made it only more of a struggle for him to carry on and not regret. For all of Levi’s seemingly stoic, harsh exterior, it’s plain, I think, that inside, he’s in actuality the most deeply feeling, sensitive and compassionate character in SnK, and the most deeply affected character when it comes to the suffering and pain of others. He understands it, and empathizes with it, more than anyone. In some ways, Levi strikes me as almost brittle inside, so easily hurt, so easily moved to compassion and understanding. He has a terribly soft and vulnerable heart. It’s why he’s so non-judgmental, too, I think, when he sees someone else struggling with their own choices, why he refuses to ever try and force others to agree with him, or convince them that he’s right and they’re wrong. Why he tries, in his awkward but kind way, to comfort them. Why he says again and again that he doesn’t know what is or isn’t the right choice. Because he knows how hard it is. Because for Levi, despite refusing inaction, and despite striving to always act and not regret his choices, he still has to live with and carry the weight of those actions consequences, the outcomes of his decisions, and he isn’t ever able to divorce himself from that, from the feelings of pain and sadness and heartbreak that comes with each loss, each defeat, each failure. He feels too much, and too deeply, and he’ll always struggle to continue on, even as he refuses not to, even as he dedicates himself to it. It’s precisely BECAUSE it’s hard for Levi to not regret, to keep fighting and acting, and push through his pain, that makes him so heroic. He never succumbs to what I think are obviously real, probably at times overwhelming feelings of depression and despair. He always keeps fighting, even as he’s drowning. I think Levi is drowning all throughout this final arc, the waves of his sadness and struggle against feelings of hopelessness always threatening to drag him under. But he never lets them. He never stops swimming, never stops pushing towards the shore. And that’s Levi’s true strength. That refusal to give up, even when he’s filled with despair and regret.

One last thing. I’ve never seen anyone else mention how Levi saved himself from dying when Zeke detonated the thunder spear by shielding himself with his own blade. Levi tucked himself up against it and braced for the impact of the explosion. If he hadn’t thought and acted quickly enough to do that, he probably would have died. Well, just another example of Levi’s refusal to give in to hopelessness. Anyone else probably would have.

#shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #Levi Ackerman #hange zöe #snk 126 #meta #thoughts

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fishoutofcamelot · 4 years

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Yves Montand's les feuilles mortes is Merwen as Gwen ages and becomes old, memories flitting in and out of her consciousness as Merlin tends to her last moments on her death bed, her hand caressing his cheek as she says the final goodbye. Merlin clutches into her hand tight, his shoulders tremored as he sobs, losing his last friend and lover.

Dude it’s MY job to make people sad about Merwen! If you keep this up, I’ll be out of a job!!! And I can’t afford that in this tragic fandom economy.

Ngl tho, you’re absolutely right about the vibes. Although if I might add, I also kinda get a reincarnation vibe from it too.

The scene: France, 1947. WWII is finally over. Merlin, or Michon Epinette as he goes by now, is walking down a wet cobblestone street. His face is sullen. As he walks, hands stuffed into his pockets and head bowed, flashbacks are interjected into his mind. Brief snippets of his time in Camelot - meeting Arthur, hanging out with the knights, saving the kingdom. But above all, his time with Gwen. All the memories and laughs and tears they shared together.

The flashbacks increase in frequency the further along he comes, only now they’re all focusing on Arthur’s death, Leon and Gaius and Percival’s deaths, until only Merlin and Gwen remain. Until Gwen ages and dies too, until Merlin is left weeping over her dead body. But in none of the memories do any of their faces appear. The faces and appearances of his loved ones are just some of the many things he’s forgotten after all these years, much to his distress.

Merlin shakes his head to force the memories away, and enters a bar. It’s pretty empty. Everyone is fairly quiet aside from the clanking of glasses and occasional murmurs here and there - and on the stage, a slow, morose jazz performance.

He sits down at the bar and gets a drink, watching the performance and trying not to cry over how deeply the mournful lyrics speak to him. It’s the 1400-year anniversary of Gwen’s death, and it stings just as intensely now as it did back then.

The woman singing wears a yellow dress that is elegant yet simple, back exposed and black gloves deftly holding the microphone. Her own eyes are tearful, she herself affected by her own lyrics - Les Feuilles Mortes, now that he thinks about it - and if not for some impressive self-control then her elaborate makeup might have been running.

But looking at her face, her dark, gentle face and deep brown eyes, a most profound sense of deja vu settles into his gut. As if he should know her somehow.

But Merlin has lived for many, many years, and has met many, many people. If he’s met her before, he doesn’t remember, and likely never will. And besides, it was probably nothing important.

Still, the clenching of his heart pulls him to her. As if something terrible will happen, as if he’ll suffer a loss worse than he can ever imagine, if he doesn’t hold her in his arms this very moment.

Instead of sweeping her up and never letting go, Merlin waits for the song to end, politely applauds, and then greets her as she sits down at the bar stool next to him. Another performer walks onto the stage in her place.

They speak in French as she asks if she’s seen him before, a puzzled look creasing her features. He says that he’s just got one of those faces, and reaches out his hand to shake hers. He introduces himself using his current alias, Michon Epinette, but his ribcage screams at him to tell the truth. To tell her that his name is Merlin. He ignores the impulse.

She calls herself Guinevere Laurent, and oh how his heart aches at the familiarity of it. Another Guinevere, just as kind and soft as his own had once been. He commends her performance, admits that it had made him cry, and she tells him it has that effect on people - especially those who have recently suffered a loss.

Ms. Laurent asks him who he’s lost, then gets flustered as she apologizes for being so forward. He instead tells her that he lost a great deal of friends. Everyone he’s ever known and loved is dead now.

“The war?” she surmises.

“Yes,” he says, because while they’re not thinking about the same war it’s still true.

She sips from her cocktail glass. “I lost a great deal of friends to the war as well. My brother Elouan, my best friend Lazare, and my father Thomas. Normandy, all of them.”

He shrugs. “If they had to die at war, at least it was Normandy.” Then, flustering - “Oh no, I’m so sorry! That was so insensitive of me. I didn’t mean -”

Ms. Laurent - Guinevere - shakes her head. “It’s fine. You’re right, though. Normandy is...heroic. As good a place to die as any. I just...I just wish they hadn’t had to die in the first place.”

Merlin has nothing to say to that, so he doesn’t. And the two of them sit there at the bar counter, nursing their cocktails - which are, coincidentally, the exact same - and ruminate over their respective losses. Guinevere Laurent is likely thinking about the second world war, and Merlin is thinking about Camlann. And both of them are thinking about after. What happens next. Where they go from here, when everyone they care about is six feet under.

While the similarity in names is likely a coincidence, Merlin can’t help but feel drawn to this Guinevere too. She speaks and acts and feels so much like the one he lost that his chest burns with sorrow. But also, perhaps, with something else too. Something he hasn’t felt in a long time.

Hope.

Merlin ventures out his broken heart and cracks a joke, trying to lighten her spirits. For the life of him, he will never be able to remember what the joke is, but it does its job in making a tentative smile splash onto her face.

Warily, with an uneven and rough voice, she murmurs out a joke of her own. He won’t ever be able to remember that one, either, but he laughs just as quietly and genuinely as she did.

After an hour their laughter has transformed into something loud and unending, and it fills up the entire bar with an orange, jovial mood. Other people are talking amongst themselves with more liveliness than they had before, and now Merlin and Guinevere are not the only people smiling in here. Even the scrunched-faced bartender is cracking a grin.

It feels familiar. It feels like he’s been in this situation before - laughing with someone as loudly as possible to chase away their mutual pains, until their desperation turns into sincerity and sincerity into passion.

For one glorious evening, Merlin allows himself to exist in a fantasy world where Gwen isn’t dead, but sitting right next to him. It’s weird and wrong, for sure, but he can’t help pretending that Guinevere Laurent and Guinevere Pendragon are the same person.

The crowd raucously, drunkenly cries out to Guinevere for an encore, begging her to give them another song. She shakes her head and says she’s done for the night, and all her songs are too sad anyway, but the crowd remains insistent.

Merlin nudges her shoulder with his own. “You can do this, Gwen.”

And for some reason, just locking eyes with him is enough for her to acquiesce.

She dusts off her dress and reluctantly shuffles onto the stage once more, and the current performer steps aside to let her have the microphone.

Guinevere discusses something with the people manning the instruments, and after a moment they appear to reach an agreement of some kind.

As the music swells to life, she casts one final glance at Merlin. He nods encouragingly, and she nods back, then closes her eyes and begins.

“Je suis seul ce soir,” she sings in a soulful cadence.

He loses himself in the music, lets the medieval nostalgia consume him like a snake devouring a field mouse - and just as the snake’s venom strikes the mouse, so too does a heartbreaking realization strike Merlin.

He called her Gwen. He referred to Guinevere Laurent as Gwen, his Gwen.

But she’s not. She’s not his Gwen.

His Gwen is dead, and she’s not coming back.

Suddenly, the whole world flares harshly at him. The lights are too modern and bright, the music is too loud and lively, the crowd is too busy and young. And Guinevere Laurent stands on the stage, eyes closed as she sings from the heart.

And it’s not Gwen. It’s not Gwen, it’s not Gwen, it’s not Gwen, and the reminder of this truth is a slap to the face. Gwen didn’t dress like that, didn’t speak that language, didn’t sing in French bars or drink cheap cocktails.

Gwen died. She died in pain, and she died gasping for air, and she died pushing him away in fear because her senile mind could not recall who he was. She died afraid, surrounded by faces and places she didn’t recognize, tearfully asking for a brother who had been dead for decades.

But even despite with all the differences, Guinevere Laurent looks so horribly similar to Gwen, back when she was young and innocent. The similarities, the memories, are enough to shatter whatever shaky pieces of his heart he had managed to cobble together.

Merlin presses a trembling fist to his mouth as tears pierce their way through his eyes, clouding his vision and sapping his body of any resolve it might have had.

He fumbles out of the bar to get away from it all, lest the agony bubble out of him like blood. The cold air stings his cheeks, but the bitterness of it provides a momentary distraction from the memories left behind in the bar.

Determined to find some other hole-in-the-wall at which to drink and forget forget forget, Merlin stumbles away, not even bothering to wipe away the curtain of tears shuttering his face.

But back in the bar, Guinevere Laurent begins to remember things. As the melody holds up her heart, as the fondness that ‘Michon’ had born within her chest lifts her ever higher, flashes of a distant life spark in her mind.

A boy with an impish grin, stuck in the stocks but still shaking her hand. A young man with a colourful scarf, sitting on a hill and braiding flowers into her hair. A friend, back pressed to hers as they both hold swords and fight to defend their kingdom. A companion, holding her wrinkled hands and helping her get up the stairs.

The name whispers into her mind. Merlin.

But as the final notes of Seule Ce Soir rumble to an end, as Guinevere opens her eyes in the hopes of soaking in the rays of her old friend’s presence, she finds no sign of Michon - Merlin - and instead a vacancy in his place.

Thanks for the ask! <3

#long post #i shouldve added a read more line huh #well im too lazy to do it now so we'll just have to suffer through it #merwen #mergwen #bbc merlin #merlin bbc #merlin #bbcm #ask #fish post

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cavalierious-whim · 3 years

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Hylia’s Requiem

Hylia/First Hero | Pre-Skyward Sword | Canon-Compliant | Teen Her hero is dead. Hylia aches, her heart burns for the boy who’d become her hero. She’s never known such pain, this unwanted feeling that wracks her heart.

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A/N: I wrote the first draft of this about seven years ago, I think. I dusted it off and reworked it after finding it in some old files. CW: For mentions of death. Read here on AO3 for better quality! Follow me here on Twitter!

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Her hero is dead.

Red stains the ground where he leans against an outcropping, his tunic soaking it up like it’s little more than a rag.

It’s too late, he’s already gone, cast far into the beyond. Her people begged for him to come with them. Link only smiled, knowing that his time was over, letting loose his final breaths and looking on fondly as they rose high above the ground and into what would become Skyloft.

Then, he’d fallen to the ground like a rock and faded away, a soft smile present on his lips. He’s the kind that only death brings a smile to, always far too stern whilst alive.

Hylia aches, her heart burns for the boy who’d become her hero. She’s never known such pain, this unwanted feeling that wracks her heart.

“Link,” says Hylia, pulling his lifeless body into her arms. There isn’t an answer, she doesn’t expect one. Still. “Link,” she repeats with more conviction, his name turning into a harsh gasp, pained and desperate. Link’s eyes remain stubbornly closed.

It is then that her grief turns to rage. Is there nothing that she can do? She is a Goddess, whim is at her fingertips! And yet, she already knows; all the magic in the world cannot help the man that she has come to care for.

Hylia wonders if this is what love is. Hylians sing of it and write poetry of it, and she’s always wondered. She cares for her people and she cares for her land, but this is different. Her hero is different. At first a distraction, and then comfort. Now, he only brings pain.

She pulls Link’s head into her lap and looks at his face, fingers ghosting across his high cheekbones. His skin is bruised and cut. And cold.

Hylia sobs for her hero who is gone.

It isn’t a waste, she tells herself. Link saved her land. He reforged her blade with his own hand, beaten back the evil, worked with her to imprison it. Link allowed her people, their people, to retreat somewhere safe. Link’s selfless act of courage has touched every living thing, even Hylia’s cold heart.

Link will never know the truth.

“Your imprisonment was willed by the heavens,” she whispers, sobbing an apology and hoping that he will forgive her. “It was meant to make you strong, to transform you into one fit to wield the Sword of Evil’s Bane. And you did so well, tempering it with your spirit. You did so well, my precious Link.”

Hylia pauses to brush back his dirt-stained bangs. “You awoke it, you alone, and you will serve as its master from henceforth. This is only possible because you deeply love your land and our people.”

A sob rips through her, her chest constricting, tightening in a way that is so foreign to her. She has caused this, she and her sisters. Link was primped and primed for this final act of valor. Hylia understands now when her people speak of heartbreak. Her entire core feels as though it’s being split in two.

She leans forward, pressing her lips to his forehead, lingering against his cold skin. Not a trace of the warmth he once held. “Because of this,” continues Hylia, moving her mouth close to his ear, whispering to him secret words. “Your life has been full of suffering. I have watched you and felt your pain like a knife through my body.”

Perhaps it is a confession, enough so that her sisters would be mad. Hylia prays that Link will forgive her for such foolishness. Hylia pulls back to look at him once more. She’s seen him weary. She’s seen him full of hatred anger. Worried. A determined fool of conviction.

He’s never looked peaceful as he does now. Death holds a sad sense of tranquility. Link was doomed to such a fate from the start.

Hylia finds it near impossible to let him go, so she sits for a long while. Waiting and watching. Running her hands through his hair. Whispering more secrets to him. Things she could have never told him were he still alive for fear of what others would say. Of what her sisters would have done.

What her sisters will still do.

Her hero grows heavy in her lap, and with him, her entire being follows. Hylia combs through his hair one last time like she’s trying to remember the coarseness of it. Fingers down his face to remember the sharp jut of his cheekbones. Underneath his proud jaw, thumbing across his lips, marveling at the chapped and peeling skin.

There wasn’t ever a chance to kiss him.

“I will ensure that your gentle, heroic spirit will live on,” whispers Hylia. She cannot bring him back from the dead, but she can do this for him. She pauses. Hesitates. Thinks. For herself, as well.

“And I—” Her throat thickens with words that will not come easily. “And I shall shed my divinity. The next time that we meet, I wish to stand before you as nothing more than a simple human. We will have time. We will be together, finally.”

It is an oath, uttered by the gentle Goddess Hylia, and she feels lightheaded as her magic shifts and sets. Her sisters will be angry. The future is always uncertain. But, with this, she knows that she will have her hero once more.

But, Hylia is a fool, love-drunk, and love-weary.

She should have known better than to think that fate will ever let them be.

#the legend of zelda #legend of zelda #zelda #hylia #goddess hylia #link #zelda fanfiction #skyward sword

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ms-interpretation · 4 years

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Jeong Tae-eul’s and Lee Gon’s choice of each other (fate and future) (Part 1)

Reading @ambitious-witch‘s meta about Tae-eul, her character arc and Luna as Tae-eul’s narrative foil I wanted to add something about Tae-eul decision to fully commit to her relationship to Lee Gon and why I believe they do get married in the future. If you haven’t read her meta I would recommend it. Of course people are free to interpret the ending as they want, but seeing people being sad or feeling dissatisfied with the ending I wanted to write some meta on why I believe Lee Gon and Tae-eul are implied in the drama to be getting married eventually. There is honestly quite a lot of clues that they will. The probably best meta I’ve read on the subject is from another blog which outlines these hints and is linked at the end of this post. I have also at different points referred to this meta with a *-sign, since I bring up some of the points made in it. It’s great, I would highly recommend reading it. I wanted however to bring up and examine some additional hints and foreshadowing I found during my latest re-watch.

There is an scene (and its scene change) which foreshadows Tae-eul’s eventual decision to choose Lee Gon and a life with him. This scene particularly shows us Tae-eul’s desire to do so. In episode 11 we have JTE processing her and LG’s relationship. She thinks back to him visiting her from the future with the flowers early in the episode. As @ambitious-witch wrote it is no coincidence that the original flower scene itself takes place almost directly after Jo Yeong asks her if she could handle being the Queen of Corea (episode 10). He suggests to her that it would mean traveling between the worlds and keeping quiet about the existence of the other world (I would say that the writer is here probably foreshadowing what their happy ever after will actually entail - why else suggest it so specifically?). So what happens later in episode 11 as she is to processing the flower ‘event’ and thinking about their relationship? She thinks back to their conversation by the field where this exchange takes place:

She remembers this lovely moment by the field, where LG proposed (again, after she teased him about it) and she replied “Not today” while explaining that they have no tomorrow. She seems content and happy in that moment but then the scene switches to her standing alone in the Republic and she sighs clearly discontent with their current situation. The scene reveals a contrast in her. It is cut as to imply that Jeong Tae-eul is not as content as she seems to be with her decision by the field. I would say that it implies that she is putting on a brave face and attitude in that scene. Which given that bravery and ‘skipping things’ (which here is her embracing a ‘long today’) are character traits of hers (as seen in episodes six & eight) makes a lot of sense. (I would recommend that people go re-watch theses scenes since it is a bit difficult to show in pictures the revealing changes in JTE’s expressions as acted brilliantly by KGE). Unconsciously she has probably already made the decision to choose Lee Gon, as implied in her inner monologue earlier (while reflecting on the flower event) which chronologically however takes place later (the monologue not the unconscious decision), but she is here consciously ‘feeling’ that her earlier response/decision is not enough for her.

Jeong Tae-eul’s decision by the field and her saying, while smiling bravely, that they have no tomorrow and that she therefore hopes that the day will be long is directly tied to Tae-eul’s sense of foreboding that their relationship will be short (remember her confession in episode eight?). She fears, as Lee Gon later does (ep 12-13) that setting everything right will mean that the doors will close and that they will be separated (that their love will come to an end). This is the fear they bring up time and time again during the drama. This is part of why she doesn’t say yes here (the other being about where she is in her character arc). When she believes she’s about to lose him she chooses to go after him, rejecting her earlier decision to accept that they have no tomorrow.

Edit: The screenshots above are not showing exactly how and when the cut plays out. The scene at the field is longer and ends with Lee Gon running after Jeong Tae-eul. It then cuts to JTE back in the Republic remembering: the effect is however the same as what I’ve described. It was simply easier to show it though screenshots in the way I’ve done above.

When the shows ends, flashing back to their young and current selves as it does so, the last words of the drama are:

Jeong Tae-eul & Lee Gon: Just like that, we decided to love the fate that chose us. Just for today and only today. And forever.

Telling us that the conflict of the drama has been resolved. Jeong Tae-eul and Lee Gon do not have to worry anymore about their relationship ending because they are from different worlds. The addition of ‘forever’ tells us that they won’t have to be simply happy with an uncertain fate living only for today because they don’t have tomorrows. The drama ends happily, with them having tomorrows. They do however still commit to living for today because, as they explain, they want to love each other tirelessly i.e. being grateful and appreciative of each other every day no matter what the future might bring (this is almost word-for-word what they say). An understandable sentiment in light of all the hardships they went through to simply be together.

The ‘fate’ that ‘chose them’ - is each other

I feel that some people interpret it as meaning the fate of living in different worlds but I politely disagree. I believe this is the resolution of the earlier discussions about fate during the drama. Lee Gon has this scene with Prince Buyeong where he asks for advice on how to resolve his and Tae-eul’s situation. Chronologically this scene takes place after the scene by the window where Jeong Tae-eul told him that he shouldn’t ask her to go with him (while asking how she could leave her world behind). He is here trying to work out how they can be together, because it is his duty to marry eventually. So Lee Gon asks Prince Buyeong if he should fight fate (which seemingly is against his and Tae-eul’s union - since they are from different worlds). The Prince replies, after Lee Gon first admits to him that there is somewhere he wants to go (i.e. a fate he wants to achieve - i.e. a life with Jeong Tae-eul):

Prince Buyeong: Then you just have to go there. You don’t need to fight. I hope there is a beautiful lady there. You should really get married this year.

What is Prince Buyeong actually saying? He is saying that 1) Lee Gon can build his own fate i.e. he doesn’t have to fight fate to go where he wants to go 2) He foreshadows that Fate/FluteKid (the character/deity) of the drama is actually not against them being together (foreshadowing how Fate/FluteKid allows them to keep their memories) and 3) Indicates for the audience that whom Lee Gon marries is important (that it is an aspect of his fate and future) and is something which needs to be resolved. This is further confirmed by Lee Gon’s replies. This plot point, Lee Gon’s duty to marry, is resolved by him managing to restore the Manpasikjeok to its true self (no more time freezes) and by Jeong Tae-eul finally deciding that she chooses Lee Gon in that incredible episode 15 scene. Tae-eul’s real reason for telling him not to ask her to live with him is because she is worried at that point that the doors will eventually close forever. Meaning that she would have to give up her world completely. When push comes to shove however she decides despite this fact to go after him. Her putting on the necklace he gave her shows us her choice of him as her fate and future. Prince Buyeong described facing your fate as going where you want to go and here we have Jeong Tae-eul quite literally going after Lee Gon. This is a quite “typical” heroic move in these kinds of stories, we do more commonly see it done by the male hero though which is why I was happy seeing it done by a female hero here.

The drama ends with Lee Gon keeping his promise to Prince Buyeong (albeit in a heartbreaking way since the Prince is definitely still dead) by visiting him in the past with Tae-eul. Like he said he would when their situation had been resolved (which it has since they have chosen each other i.e. become each others’ fates). Honestly I believe that the scene of Lee Gon ‘introducing’ Jeong Tae-eul to him and the scene of Tae-eul saying she doesn’t want to leave (by the obelisks) after one of their weekends are both hints that they will eventually get married.

Prince Buyeong and Jeong Tae-eul: to reach your fate is to reach your ‘destination’

Later in episode 15 after returning to Tae-eul Lee Gon remarks that even though time changed they still ended up in the same place. What does he need to do to change things? This refers partly to resolving the conflict against Lee Lim, but they are definitely also talking about their relationship as evident by how Tae-eul responds:

Jeong Tae-eul: The larger the fate, the more you need to walk to reach your destination.

Her word choice references Prince Buyeong’s indicating a connection. What can the connection be? Well, as we see later in the episode she decides to embrace her fate: to go after Lee Gon (for the purpose of reaching him i.e. embracing him as her fate). Lee Gon decides before everything goes down during the last Night of Treason that he will, if he survives, find (reach) her and go to her i.e. choosing her as his fate. He spends a year trying to reach her before succeeding. *To fulfill his fate as King he also needed to go far (back in time) to finally resolve the conflict with Lee Lim (I believe this was first pointed out by the bitchesoverdrama blog I’ve linked to below). This was however what Fate (the character/deity) tasked him with. His fate with Jeong Tae-eul is different and is something he and Tae-eul choose and create together. Plainly put, Prince Buyeong affirms the notion that we can create our own fates. That Lee Gon can do so, and we know from their discussion and his response that it is about whom he eventually marries. Meaning that even though Jeong Tae-eul is from another universe he can still marry her and that he does not have to fight fate to do so (there will be no danger of imbalance). At the end of Tae-eul’s character arc she chooses a life with Lee Gon. They have both embraced (created) their fates which they did by choosing and reaching each other. Lady Noh in episode 16 even hints (interesting to note that everything she prays for comes true - I was not the first to notice this but I cannot find who was) that they will probably get married next year by mentioning the Ancient Shrine*. Remember how it was first brought up by Lee Gon when Jeong Tae-eul asked him about the talisman in his wallet in episode two? This writer does a lot of great foreshadowing.

Below I discuss the second flower scene, more about how the drama describes fate as your chosen person and share links to the meta I’ve referenced and other meta I would recommend.

+ If you need more ‘proof’ that the fate which choose them is each other I would refer you to Tae-eul’s confession scene in episode eight. Her word choices are no coincidence. As she is looking directly at Lee Gon who is walking towards her she ponders about fate, which ends with her deciding to tell him that she loves him. Her inner monologue states that she has decided to love the fate which chose her. This fate is Lee Gon (as implied by the close-ups on his face as we are seeing him from her perspective since she’s thinking about him).

Jeong Tae-eul: It took me a long time to realize this. When it’s fate, there are no coincidences. Your fate is determined by the choices you make, but there are times when your fate chooses you.

Jeong Tae-eul: Things that are bound to happen are taking place even at this moment. I was struck by the sad premonition that this will be short-lived, but I decided to love my fate that choose me.

We learn later in the drama that the reason Lee Gon grew up with that ID-badge is because he let his younger self take it. It was his choice (time is changeable in TKEM he didn’t have to leave it). And in her brilliant confession Tae-eul brings up how choice and fate intersects as she chooses to love him. Choosing him as her fate as he has already chosen her. If fate is determined by the choices you make what happens when someone chooses you as their fate? This is the question she ponders and Tae-eul decides that she chooses to love the fate that chose her. Later she embraces him as her fate fully, when she goes after him. Answering his underlying question during the drama: Could she chose a life with him/Marry him? The drama ends with them looking at each other as they state that they have decided to love the fate which chose them.

The ‘second’ flower scene and the necklace (speculating more freely)

+ Remember the second flower scene and the necklace? Lee Gon asked her what flowers she likes (in episode 12) while telling her he will wear the suit on a glorious day while giving her flowers (foreshadowing a ‘proper’ wedding proposal). Tae-eul even chided him, somewhat jokingly, earlier for not dressing up for his earlier proposal. Jeong Tae-eul is terrified at this moment however because she fears that he will becomes the devastated and tragic figure of the episode 10 scene. So she tells him that she hates flowers and later states that she will wear his necklace on a glorious day (i.e. ”not today”). She is letting fear of what the future will bring interfere. Lee Gon notices that something is wrong, by how she acts and probably because Tae-eul hating flowers is not very believable in the light of her buying and planting the Kingdom flowers earlier. She overcomes her fear (choosing to be brave) and decides to go after him in episode 15 (putting on the necklace). So what happens in episode 16? She is wearing his necklace with the Kingdom insignia. After their reunion he brings forth his beautiful blue flowers and asks her, almost slightly scared (does he remind you of someone nervous about to propose or is that just me?), if she still hates flowers. He is scared that she will reject him. This because he doesn’t yet know about her going after him at the end of episode 15. Her response? Telling him that she actually loves them (i.e. that she would love a life with him i.e that she accepts his implied proposal). In the books this is explicitly a proposal from what I’ve been told (the subtext made text if you will). Why else would Lee Gon be worried after their reunion and after she has kissed him? This last paragraph is perhaps me speculating a bit more freely but I do believe I get the emotional core right.

But what about Tae-eul removing her fingerprints from the product placement item in Lee Gon’s room? I hear you ask, because you are an observant and beautiful person ;). Honestly? Pretty sure that is a last-minute product placement scene thrown in because it was obligatory. It simply makes the point that the mask is of “royal” quality and common (available) in Tae-eul’s (=our) world. Slightly more seriously though at this point Lee Gon and Tae-eul are simply enjoying the present and dating, doing so without thinking about the future. I will say more on this in my next meta. Later in the CCTV-room we also have Lee Gon struggling/failing to remove the footage of him and Tae-eul, a line which hints that they will not be able to keep their secret forever. It is no coincidence that this scene and line comes directly after the aforementioned product placement scene. Lee Gon and Tae-eul might be chillin’, taking their time and not really even thinking about the future but Fate/FluteKid and Lady Noh is not having it (haha read the linked meta below for more on this).

Link to a brilliant meta explaining the Ancient Shrine, LG’s responsibility to produce an heir, how an interesting scene in episode four relates to all this and how Fate/FluteKid (I personally still believe the Kid is of the Manpasikjeok though) is interfering making sure that LG’s and JTE’s relationship will eventually result in marriage and in the next protector of the Manpasikjeok: https://bitchesoverdramas.com/2020/06/16/the-king-ep-16-the-happy-ending/

Another great meta, which I read after writing this, but would highly recommend. It has a great take on why Tae-eul is so adamant about the fact that she and Lee Gon should focus on the present. It brings up how it ties to her worry about the future: https://bebebisous33analyses.wordpress.com/2020/06/01/time-the-invisible-main-character-in-the-king-eternal-monarch/

In my next post I will address the question of imbalance, doppelgangers and why I believe the show ended as it did. I’m not looking to convince people who like the idea of an open ending I just want to show why I believe the drama hints at them eventually getting married.

#the king eternal monarch #lee gon #jeong tae eul #creating our fate #tkem meta

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jay-and-dean · 3 years

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Any opinions of the series final/Destiel?

Oh. Wow.

Okay, let’s do this.

About the final : I can’t have an opinion because I haven’t watched it. I know everything that happens in it, I have basically seen the episode in gifs, and I read my mutuals opinions. But I can’t do this for personal reasons, and not because of some revendication.

See anon, my personal life have had more than its share of losing love ones, and Supernatural, in addition to just being awesome, was always my shelter from the brutal chaos of reality. People don’t get cancer in Supernatural, they don’t commit suicide because their work pressures them, they don’t get lethal lung infection... If they die, it’s heroic, blaze of glory. I had prepare myself for Dean to die like that, Jax Teller style.

(I cut because my answer is long)

When I woke up on Friday (I’m in France so the episode was in the night for me), opened my app, and saw what happened, I burst in tears. In fact, I had a panic attack so bad that I couldn’t get to a meeting I was supposed to lead, and it took my several hours to just manage to get myself together enough to take care of my patients.

The absence, the part of seeing Sam having to make funerals, imagining him emptying Dean’s closet... Been there, done that. I can’t. This is life, this is too real, too close to home and it made very awful parts of my life come back. So I chose to not watch it, to protect myself.

But an opinion ? I mean, it’s a show, I take what they make, it’s not my place as a member of the audience to choose where the story is going, just as people don’t get to call the author of a book to tell him/her to finish like this or like that. It’s just the end the authors chose, yes, I would have wanted more for Dean because I love him, but I’m not rewriting the story... (Or actually I kinda am in my way, being a fanfic writer.)

About Destiel : I always thought the Destiel shippers were among the most creative, sometimes really fun too, people of the fandom, and even if I never saw their relation like that, I was amazed that people did. Then came the episode 18... And all the drama.

I had never stopped thinking of Castiel’s deal with the Empty and, seeing the end of the show coming, it was, for me, obvious that he was going to die (I was not prepared for Donna though, or Eileen, but apparently no one really cared about those amazingly heartbreaking scenes)... And then he said “I love you”.

The scene was beautiful because Castiel really told Dean some amazing things, things I have been dying to tell him, and I thought that giving -in the conclusions of the show- to the angel the role of raising Dean from his own perdition was a very strong symbol.

Was it in that romantic sense ? Was it not ? Did Dean stopped himself from saying it back ? Why did the Spanish dub made a different choice (I have a theory on that)... I might offence some of you but I don’t really care, I’m sorry.

I get that people shipping Destiel wanted it to be true, and I’m glad it was left open enough for people to see what they wanted in it. But some of those people really ruined those last episodes for me, and I think for other people loving the show for 15 years too. I have seen posts calling the cast homophobic, and the whole show. If the show was so homophobic why did you watch it until then ? Being homophobic is not one action, it’s a way of thinking, so if it was, you didn’t notice before ?

I think there is a big issue with this whole generation (I know how I sound), people are so used to be consumers, that any frustration becomes intolerable and start acting like babies when things don’t happen exactly like they wanted.

But something is dangerous about that. I never ever heard about the serious issue of homophobia so much on social media than for this fake problem. Let me tell you something : I work with young people who have been beaten for being gay, raped for that, I help find home for young member of the LGBTQI+ community who found themselves in the street.

So Please, stop making the cause about your desires, a little decency. If you want to fight homophobia, please, please do.

Thank you for asking, I’m sorry my answer is sour, long and probably confused. But I’m sad and I’m tired.

Jay

#supernatural #spoilers #15x18 spoilers #15x20 spoilers #jay and dean

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starr-fall-knight-rise · 5 years

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Humans are Weird “The Cuteness Principal”

Hey guys, just wanted to get something small and fun out for this week. It isn’t very long, but I hope it’s funny, and you enjoy it :)

The Intergalactic Journal of Behavioral Psychology and Neurobiology

Humanity survives just like any other species. The Biological imperative demands that they continue their species through offspring. All species have this imperative ,though it is shown in different ways. For the Vrul, a sense of duty and logic evolved to tell them offspring was necessary; for the Rundi, the maturation of offspring is inevitable and not up to them in the first place. However, for humans the issue is a bit tougher to understand, for if you know anything about human offspring you know that they are helpless, loud, smelly, slimy, and generally unpleasant requiring years of parental care before they are capable of taking care of themselves. However, evolution created an ingenious way to not only keep humans from murdering their offspring out of frustration, but to make them WANT offspring.

This need is known as the “Cuteness Principle”. We don’t completely understand it, but we know that certain physical characteristics cause the release of the pleasure chemical “dopamine” in the human brain. Generally humans are rather bad dealing with these feelings and can react with perceived aggression, or feigned sadness. The two most common feelings include the desire to squeeze the cute thing or the over-exaggerated “awwwww” noise.

Now, only humans can accurately confirm what is cute, but we generally find things with large eyes, big heads, and small noses will do the trick. Unfortunately humans can also find inanimate objects cute. By utilizing the inverse size to width ratio, you can make an object cute to a human; that is if you make something stubby and fat a human will probably think it’s cute.

Anything that fits under this category is likely to attract human attention and the overwhelming desire to protect or take care of whatever it is.

“Alright everyone, now remember, the GA reports say the Celzex are a very proud warrior race and have easily offended honor. It is important that we remember to treat them with respect, difference, and maybe a little bit of awe or fear, you know to boost their egos.” Commander Vir said adjusting the captain’s cap atop his head and straightening out his uniform.

In deference to this new, and proud warrior race, they had all donned their most formal garb. The Commander wore his uniform complete with cords, gloves, and ribbons while Sunny had done her ceremonial Drev armor. Krill didn’t wear clothes, so he just came as is. A couple of the marines and a few members of the bridge crew trailed behind that, all dressed to impress.

The Galactic Assembly had sent them ahead of the main envoy to meet with the Celzex under the impression that the two warrior races of humans and Drev would be best equipped to deal with this new race.

Together, they stopped just outside the conference room and made a few last minute adjustments to their uniforms. Most, if not everyone, eyed the door wondering what they would find behind it. Images of six foot tall monsters stuck with spines and mouths lined with glistening teeth.

Commander Vir took a quick, deep breath, and then pressed the button at the side of the door which slid open with a hydraulic hiss. He stepped forward single eye scanning around the room, and then immediately froze, “Sweet mother of…… aw-” A hand dropped onto his shoulder squeezing painfully to cut him off before he could continue.

Commander Vir turned to look up at Sunny, who had stopped him, his eyes were wrinkled in an imploring expression. Behind him, the other humans were filing into the room only to freeze in their tracks. Together their heads tilted, their shoulders bunched, and, despite having the prudence to keep silent, mouthing long and drawn out awwwws to each other.

Sunny had only ever seen this reaction on a couple of occasions usually involving small animals, and tiny human offspring.

For the commander’s part, he was able to keep his mouth shut only with some difficulty as he fought back the desire to pick one up and hold it, to squeeze it. It was just…. Too adorable.

The proud warrior race of the Celzex where about two feet tall at most constructed out of a colorful ball of fluff, with comparatively large feet and tiny toes. On its torso, which also acted as it’s head, it had a sort of piggish snout, massive wide eyes and a floppy pair of pig-like ears atop its head.

Commander Vir looked back at Sunny with a near pleading expression.

She shook her head at him as if to warn him that it would not be prudent to cuddle the delegation party.

One of the adorable creatures stood just then and marched over to where they stood. It’s feet were so large, that it was forced to walk with a rather floppy waddle. It wasn’t slow mind you, they actually looked quite nimble, but the walk definitely did not help. Sunny kept a hand on the Commander’s shoulder as he fought tooth and claw against his own instincts to squat down and ask the creature it’s name in his sweetest baby voice, used for dogs, and small children.

The creature stopped at his feet and looked up expectantly large eyes narrowed.

The human fought down another aww face, and snapped his hand to a salute, “L-” He cleared his throat here facial muscles twitching aggressively as he tried to maintain a serious face, “Lord Celex, I am Commander Vir of the UNSC and adjunct representative to the Galactic Assembly. We welcome you aboard our ship. Is there anything we may provide you during your stay?”

Lord Celex glowered up at the commander with one eye closed slightly more than the other. The effect was….. Probably not what Lord Celex had intended. Commander Vir’s mouth twitched, and his chin trembled. Sunny commended his efforts to fight back a smile.

He was clearly fighting a losing battle.

“We require none of your frivolities human. We are here to speak business though I warn you we will not tolerate disrespect from you or any of your men.” Though his voice was relatively normal through the translating software in their implants, they could still hear the high pitched yipping noises that were its real language.

Glancing over her shoulder she found similar reactions on the other humans. One of the marine’s eyes widened and he had to turn away covering his mouth with a hand.

There was a multitude of biting lips, staring at the ceiling, and downright smiling as they failed to hold their composure.

One of the marines stared ravenously forward with a hungry expression as if she planned on gathering them up in her arms and formally adopting them as her fuzzy children.

Commander Vir walked up to the table and pulled out a chair, “Shall we begin discussions then…. my …. Lord.” He tugged at the collar of his uniform, and Sunny watched the small creature stand taller. She realized with some amusement that his Lord probably thought the human was nervous…. Intimidated by his impressive stature and soldierly bearing.

Lord Celex and his followers refused to ask for smaller chairs, and in so doing they spent at least ten minutes watching as the creatures climbed onto the chairs, with some difficulty. Commander Vir fought heroically against a smile as the warlord scooted, wormed, and inched his way onto the chair using his face to balance himself before standing up.

Another marine looked onward as if he was just aching to go over and help them, or even to just hold one for a few seconds. The reactions about the table were similar, hands were rung, faces fought against their natural inclinations. Smiles erupted only to be covered by hands.

Sunny had never seen such longing on the face of any creature before.

It was almost heartbreaking to watch.

And it only got worse once the Celzex decided to explain their war practices to the humans. Though the Celzex had, somehow, managed to build ships and travel the universe, they also had no hands, so war, or dueling involved standing about ten feet apart from each other then running headlong into each other. Whoever fell over, or was knocked out lost and was forced to forfeit. This may have been manageable to control if they hadn’t brought videos to ‘demonstrate their might’.

Krill, standing off to the side, worried that the humans might just erupt. Trying to hold back laughter like that couldn’t have been healthy. A marine at the far end of the table struggled so hard his face was red, his body shook, and tears streamed from one of his eyes hand over his mouth as he fought desperately to keep quiet.

Commander Vir utterly failed to keep the smile from his face grinning madly hands clutched tightly on his lap.

Others of the marines clasped their hands as well held up to their chests with doting expressions.

Sunny found herself grateful that the Celzex appeared not to be able to read the human facial expressions. She was, however, forced to fight off a laugh. Coming from a true warrior race these practices were more than laughable.

“You see that we are not averse to war. Our people are mighty warriors and have been for thousands of years. You would do well to respect us, human! If the Galactic Assembly wishes to ally themselves with our might they must be willing to give us the respect we deserve. Is that clear.”

“Of course…. Lord Celex, the assembly will honor you wishes to- to the best of-its-abilities.” His voice had raised a few octaves straining against the baby voice, and a fit of laughter. The muscles about his mouth worked furiously to control himself, and he stood quickly saluting the creature again, “Forgive our quick exit… m-my Lord.” his voice was so tight by the end of this Krill worried that his larynx would blow apart with the pressure

Lord Celex waved a foot dismissively at the humans who were hurriedly rushed form the room, looking over their shoulders and back towards the Celzex with expressions of longing so profound Sunny worried she would have to tackle them.

Out in the hallway the humans were silent as they hurried up the hallway and away from the conference room. Once they were at a sufficient distance, the entire group of them burst into rochus laughter. Leaning against the walls, and sinking to the ground they were practically crying.

Through tears one of the marines lifted his hand and waved it about, “I am…. Lord Celex...f-fear my wrath.”

“I will destroy you with the power of cuddles!” more laughter

“But seriously guys can we just talk about HOW CUTE THEY ARE!” The sentiment was chorused. “I just want to hold one so bad.” One of the humans pouted looking down at their empty hands sadly.

Commander Vir leaned against the wall, “That was the hardest thing I have ever done…. I just wanted to…. To squeeze it ...”

“So fluffy!” one of the other humans moaned.

Sunny had a feeling it might be prudent to send a different negotiating team next time. The humans had been valiant in their efforts, but they had been defeated profoundly by lord Celex. If things came to a war, she feared for their safety simply because the humans would be more likely to snuggle the creatures than to make war with them.

#humans are space orcs #humans are insane #humans are weird #earth is a deathworld #Earth is space Ausralia #humans are space australians #humans are space oddities

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ficsandcatsandficsandcats · 4 years

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Hi love! I had, AN IDEA! Touch starved plus size reader x jaskier. Jaskier is always touching her cuz he's just LIKE THAT & he never notices that she jumps when he touches her, not because she doesn't like it but because she's not used to the touching cuz no one ever does. But he notices & stops, she gets sad, he asks why & she's like "you stopped touching me." Its all misunderstandings but happy ending and love confessions? (I ask for that everytime im sorry but i looove it!) TY lovely! 💙💚💙

Fandom: The WitcherPairing: Jaskier x ReaderWord Count: 968Rating: TTaglist: @heroics-and-heartbreak @whatevermonkey @mynamesoundslikesherlock @magic-multicolored-miracle @writingstudent @coffee-and-stories @ultracolorfulnerdcollection @amirahiddleston @mlleecrivaine a/n: Hope you enjoy it! Gotta love a good Love Confession!

Jaskier used every part of himself to communicate with people. He spoke and sang and gestured and gesticulated and he touched. He touched so many people in such subtle ways. Leaning on a shoulder, a hug in excitement or if he suspected someone was sad, lightly touching an arm while talking or brushing away an eyelash or pulling someone onto his lap without a second thought. You felt bad that you jumped a little every time he did this. He never touched you in a way that was untoward but every time he walked up behind you and wrapped you in a hug or brushed a little kiss on your cheek in parting you startled, the closeness of him and the contact overwhelming. You didn’t initiate touches much because you didn’t know how people would react. Some were unkind and others were just confused, thinking that your touch was some attempt at flirtation which they sometimes grew piteous about and tried to let you down easy. You craved touch but had learned to keep your hands to yourself, to make yourself small and your needs nonexistent. So when this bard bounded into your life with grabby hands eager to touch and hold, it was a blessing and a curse. You wanted it, but you were unprepared for it, and you waited for the day that he noticed how you reacted.

The day it happened was like most others. He had been gone for longer than usual and sitting at his usual spot in the tavern you worked at and when you walked over to take his order and greet your old friend, he’d pulled you onto your lap deftly to pull you in for a hug. You nearly leapt out of his arms the instant you were in them, stunned by the overwhelming hunger your body felt at the touch and turning fiercely red as he blinked at you in confusion and worse, started apologizing. You scrambled away to get his ale and when you returned there seemed to be a silent agreement not to say anything and act as though nothing had happened.

But everything changed from then on. He stopped touching you. You saw him sometimes begin to reach out and then pull back, lamely turning it into a stretch or gesture. You tried to brush it off but it hurt and you couldn’t force the smile to reach your eyes when you saw him anymore. He began to notice and finally decided to confront you. He waited behind after Geralt went to bed one night and the two of you were the only ones in the tavern.

“Y/N, may I ask you something?” he began.

“You just did,” you teased. He smirked and reached out as if to take your hand and then moved back. You watched this happen and your own smile fell.

“That’s what I wanted to talk about,” he said, looking at you meaningfully, “You’ve seemed so sad lately. Has something happened? Is it something I did?”

You weren’t going to bring it up. After all, he was just a patron and you a tavern worker. He probably knew a thousand girls just like you. You were hardly even friends, never spending time together when he wasn’t there for drinks. But he had asked and something in the ocean blue depths of his eyes compelled you to answer truthfully.

“You stopped touching me,” you said with a little shrug, trying to play it off as something trivial but he could tell it wasn’t.

“You reacted so strongly the last time I did I just thought… that you wanted me to stop,” he replied.

“I know, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to react so strongly I just… I just really love it when you touch me. You’re the only one who does and it just makes me feel… well, so many things, really,” you said, looking askance as you thought of all the feelings the man standing in front of you inspired. He reached a hand out and gently pressed his fingertips against the side of your face. You sighed into his touch, pressing your face against his palm, eyes shutting tight as you took in the sensation of his skin against yours again. He watched in awe and brushed his hand down your face, another arm wrapping around your waist which prompted you to open your eyes, startling. He paused but didn’t move away and your eyes fell to his lips.

“Gods I’ve missed touching you,” Jaskier breathed, the hand on your face moving down your neck, thumb brushing against your jaw.

“You did?” you asked.

“Yes,” he answered, “I think about it all the time. You’re so soft, so warm, so-”

“Much,” you finished, “So… There is so much of me.”

“Yes,” he agreed, a little flicker of lust darkening his eyes, “Yes there is. And I have thought about touching every single part of it for so long, I just didn’t know how to say it or if I should. I think… no, I know, that I have fallen a little bit more in love with you every time I’ve come in. With your smile and your laugh and your wit and your kindness. There’s always something more to find and love with you. There is just… so much.”

Tears glistened in your eyes and you gave a little laugh, your hands resting against his chest, fingers brushing against the edges of the part in his chemise, hair tickling your fingertips as you pressed in closer, bridging the gap between the two of you to plant a soft kiss against his lips.

“I love you too,” you murmured, and then he recaptured your mouth, deepening the kiss and pressing you back against the bar, lean, firm body held against yours.

#disasterjaskier #jaskier x reader #jaskier x plus size reader #jaskier imagines #jaskier fluff

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womenofcolor15 · 4 years

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#CHADWICKFOREVER: Ryan Coogler, The 'Black Panther' Cast, Former Co-Stars, Politicians, Athletes & More Make Beautifully Heartbreaking Statements About Our Fallen King

We're still heartbroken, and the only fact giving us some sort of solace is knowing that seemingly everyone, everywhere, feels the same way. Let's remember Chadwick Boseman through the most beautiful words we've ever read from his co-stars, friends and stars that give us the most intimate look at the king we all loved.

It's been two days since we learned a king had fallen, and it hasn't gotten any easier. 43-year-old Chadwick Boseman had given us so much of himself and his legacy, both before and during the toughest years of his life.

If that doesn't show us exactly who this man is, those close to him and those who admired him can drive that notion home even deeper.

The stars of Black Panther and the Marvel Universe, politicians, athletes, fellow actors, directors and more have been pouring out their hearts about the amazing man that is Chadwick Boseman.

Danai Gurira, who played Chadwick's on-screen right hand woman and leader of the Dora Milaje, shared a special off screen bond with Chadwick that the world easily saw. She wrote a touching post about his leadership in Black Panther and him changing the game of black representation and being a profundly generous:

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How do you honor a king? Reeling from the loss of my colleague, my friend, my brother. Struggling for words. Nothing feels adequate. I always marveled at how special Chadwick was. Such a pure hearted, profoundly generous, regal, fun guy. My entire job as Okoye was to respect and protect a king. Honor his leadership. Chadwick made that job profoundly easy. He was the epitome of kindness, elegance, diligence and grace. On many an occasion I would think how thankful I was that he was the leading man I was working closely with. A true class act. And so perfectly equipped to take on the responsibility of leading the franchise that changed everything for Black representation. He made everyone feel loved, heard and seen. He played great, iconic roles because he possessed inside of himself that connection to greatness to be able to so richly bring them to life. He had a heroic spirit, and marched to the beat of his own drum; hence his excellence as an artist and the incredible courage and determination as he faced life’s challenges; while still guiding us all. He was zen and sweet and funny (with the very best laugh), attentive, and truly, truly, good. I can’t even wrap my mind around this loss. A loss resonating in my own heart as well as around the globe. The children he inspired, my heart aches for them, to lose their hero just as they finally found him. I am so thankful to have taken the Black Panther journey with him. To have known him, spent time in his light and leadership and to call him forever a friend. Lala Ngoxolo Kumkani.

A post shared by Danai Gurira (@danaigurira) on Aug 30, 2020 at 4:26pm PDT

Her last words, Lala Ngoxolo Kumkani, translates to Sleep in peace, O King.

BP director Ryan Coogler had us in tears as he recalled how their friendship began and blossomed both on screen and off, saying that we have all gained an "ancestor" now:

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#BlackPanther Director #RyanCoogler honored #ChadwickBoseman in an incredibly deep statement about their friendship and Chadwick’s work ethic. We’ve posted it here in full.

A post shared by TheYBF (@theybf_daily) on Aug 30, 2020 at 11:26am PDT

Chadwick's on screen little sis Letitia Wright, who clearly was almost like a little sister to him in real life, could barely formulate words:

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#LetitiaWright #ChadwickBoseman #BlackPanther

A post shared by TheYBF (@theybf_daily) on Aug 30, 2020 at 10:20am PDT

Chadwick's good friend who he was actually often closest to off screen since they shared a love for complete privacy, Chris Evans, posted about his Avengers & Captain America co-star:

I’m absolutely devastated. This is beyond heartbreaking.

Chadwick was special. A true original. He was a deeply committed and constantly curious artist. He had so much amazing work still left to create. I’m endlessly grateful for our friendship. Rest in power, King pic.twitter.com/oBERXlw66Z

— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) August 29, 2020

The rest of the Marvel Universe co-stars - Don Cheadle, Angela Bassett, Sterling K. Brown, Forest Whitaker, Chris Pratt, Gwyneth Paltrow, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Tessa Thompson, Josh Brolin and Zoe Saldana:

i will miss you, birthday brother. you were always light and love to me. my god ... forever and ever ... https://t.co/9pORaKZuQN pic.twitter.com/awX3DiTVwn

— Don Cheadle (@DonCheadle) August 29, 2020

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“It was meant to be for Chadwick and me to be connected, for us to be family. But what many don’t know is our story began long before his historic turn as Black Panther. During the premiere party for Black Panther, Chadwick reminded me of something. He whispered that when I received my honorary degree from Howard University, his alma mater, he was the student assigned to escort me that day. And here we were, years later as friends and colleagues, enjoying the most glorious night ever! We’d spent weeks prepping, working, sitting next to each other every morning in makeup chairs, preparing for the day together as mother and son. I am honored that we enjoyed that full circle experience. This young man’s dedication was awe-inspiring, his smile contagious, his talent unreal. So I pay tribute to a beautiful spirit, a consummate artist, a soulful brother...”thou aren’t not dead but flown afar...”. All you possessed, Chadwick, you freely gave. Rest now, sweet prince.” #WakandaForever

A post shared by Angela Bassett (@im.angelabassett) on Aug 28, 2020 at 8:43pm PDT

I don’t have words. Rest In Peace, Bruh. Thank you for all you did while you were here. Thank you for being a friend. You are loved. You will be missed. https://t.co/8rK4dWmorq

— Sterling K Brown (@SterlingKBrown) August 29, 2020

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Your light brightened our days. It will continue to brighten our hearts and minds. Let the heavens be blessed as you illuminate the sky. Sending my love and prayers to the family. May god continue to hold you in his everlasting embrace. RIP Chadwick

A post shared by Forest Whitaker (@forestwhitaker) on Aug 29, 2020 at 12:22am PDT

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My prayers go out to Chadwick’s family and loved ones. The world will miss his tremendous talent. God rest his soul. #wakandaforever

A post shared by chris pratt (@prattprattpratt) on Aug 28, 2020 at 8:25pm PDT

Our hearts are broken and our thoughts are with Chadwick Boseman’s family. Your legacy will live on forever. Rest In Peace. pic.twitter.com/DyibBLoBxz

— Marvel Studios (@MarvelStudios) August 29, 2020

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I was lucky enough to spend some time with @chadwickboseman on the set of The Avengers. I was so struck by his presence. He was the embodiment of the modern man; strong, intelligent, graceful, self-possessed. I am deeply sad to hear of his passing this morning. What a beautiful legacy he created in such a short life.

A post shared by Gwyneth Paltrow (@gwynethpaltrow) on Aug 29, 2020 at 9:08am PDT

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Mr. Boseman leveled the playing field while fighting for his life... That’s heroism... I’ll remember the good times, the laughter, and the way he changed the game... #chadwickforever

A post shared by Robert Downey Jr. Official (@robertdowneyjr) on Aug 29, 2020 at 11:14am PDT

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Gonna miss you mate. Absolutely heartbreaking. One of the kindest most genuine people I’ve met. Sending love and support to all the family xo RIP @chadwickboseman

A post shared by Chris Hemsworth (@chrishemsworth) on Aug 28, 2020 at 8:40pm PDT

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Shattered to see you go. Our paths have felt linked since the day we met many moons ago. Always, your ascension felt like mine too. I suppose its because your dreams were rooted in those around you. Thank you for showing all of us the way. Rest well, friend.

A post shared by Tessa Thompson (@tessamaethompson) on Aug 30, 2020 at 1:19am PDT

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I am absolutely floored. Such an amazing, beautiful person. RIP Brother. @chadwickboseman

A post shared by Josh Brolin (@joshbrolin) on Aug 28, 2020 at 8:39pm PDT

I’m gonna have to tell Cy, Bowie and Zen that T’Challa has passed. What other king can I tell them about now? pic.twitter.com/AFEFxJOFd5

— Zoe Saldana (@zoesaldana) August 29, 2020

Beyond painful. Rest in Power, King. https://t.co/jonGfW15i7

— Black Lives Matter (@Blklivesmatter) August 29, 2020

Chadwick's former Get On Up co-star and upcomig co-star in Ma Rainey's Black Bottom, Viola Davis, had touching words as well:

A photo a friend sent from backstage at the 2016 NAACP Awards. Touched my broken heart to see this today. That smile...that lifeforce... pic.twitter.com/6JaVA7HxAm

— Viola Davis (@violadavis) August 30, 2020

Chadwick.....no words to express my devastation of losing you. Your talent, your spirit, your heart, your authenticity........It was an honor working beside you, getting to know you....Rest well prince...May flights of angels sing thee to thy heavenly rest. I love you! pic.twitter.com/6abglPBOsh

— Viola Davis (@violadavis) August 29, 2020

His Get On Up movie screen love Jill Scott posted:

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Ever so thoughtful. Ever so profoundly kind, motivated and clear. You touched my heart and the hearts of millions. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. Rest well friend. Rest well Nelsan. You two ARE MISSED!!!!! #sincerelygood #sincerelydopehumanbeings #sincerelyKINGS

A post shared by Jill Scott (@missjillscott) on Aug 29, 2020 at 12:18am PDT

The black directors and creators we love, who have been in a tight knit circle with Chadwick for years, expressed how broknhearted they are - Issa Rae, Lena Waithe, Ava Duvernay & Spike Lee:

What the fuck is happening? My God.

— Issa Rae (@IssaRae) August 29, 2020

This broke me.

— Issa Rae (@IssaRae) August 29, 2020

Black Hollywood is small. Like a small village. When you think about it, there’s really a handful of us working actors, writers, HODs, crew, directors in a massive industry. One absence devastates. Chad loomed large among us. We will miss him, never forget him, love him - always. pic.twitter.com/yB3S9q8L40

— Ava DuVernay (@ava) August 29, 2020

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You loved us. And we will always love you.

A post shared by Ava DuVernay (@ava) on Aug 29, 2020 at 8:32am PDT

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Gutted at the loss of you. We needed you now more than ever. I loved you, man. We all did. You will be missed. Our little black boys lost a superhero today. Black Panther has wings now. It’s as if we all gained an angel. This man made sure our heroes would live on forever. Heroes like: Jackie Robinson, Thurgood Marshall, and James Brown. You loved us. May your life remind us to always love on each other.

A post shared by Lena Waithe (@lenawaithe) on Aug 28, 2020 at 7:24pm PDT

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No matter how hard I tried I could never stand as tall as you. Thanks for reminding all of us to reach for the skies. Love y’all. Let’s be kind to each other.

A post shared by Lena Waithe (@lenawaithe) on Aug 28, 2020 at 8:52pm PDT

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#SpikeLee speaks on directing #ChadwickBoseman in #Da5Bloods.

A post shared by TheYBF (@theybf_daily) on Aug 30, 2020 at 9:11am PDT

Actors Lance Gross, The Rock, Mahershala Ali, Cynthia Erivo, Janelle Monae & Cory Hardrict paid their respects:

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This wasn’t the news any of us wanted to hear today. You’ve moved the world with your gift and presence. Gave a lot of us hope and something more to be proud of. Tonight I pray for your family and loved ones. You will be missed man

A post shared by lancegross (@lancegross) on Aug 28, 2020 at 8:24pm PDT

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“Press on with pride. Press on with purpose” - Chadwick Boseman This was hard to hear about. Hard to imagine the quiet pain and struggle you went thru all these years, yet still shined your powerful light and talents to inspire the world. Especially, our kids who finally saw themselves as a superhero — because of you. Rest in power, brother. My love and strength to your family. You will always press on with pride and purpose. @aspictures

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Aug 28, 2020 at 11:39pm PDT

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A gentleman that was the kindest superhero I have ever met. Took my hand and walked me down the steps, had a hug every time we met. There was only ever love. A real one. We lost a real one. I’m truly crushed. We lost the Black Panther, the hero that gave our babies a hero to aspire to. Just fucking heartbroken. Dearest Chadwick You will never be forgotten. Rest In Power!! God Rest your soul kind man. Can we please just love on each other now, we are losing each other!!!

A post shared by Cynthia Erivo (@cynthiaerivo) on Aug 28, 2020 at 7:27pm PDT

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Peace King... Thank you for your extraordinary work, your exemplary character and leadership. Love you Brother.

A post shared by Mahershala Ali (@mahershalaali) on Aug 28, 2020 at 8:25pm PDT

CANCEL EVERYTHING. MY GODDDDDDDDD.

— Janelle Monáe, Cindi Mayweather (@JanelleMonae) August 29, 2020

LeBron James hit the Wakanda salute during this weekend's playoff games in the bubble:

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FOREVER

A post shared by LeBron James (@kingjames) on Aug 29, 2020 at 10:18pm PDT

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Rest In Paradise King ! #TheHellWith2020 #FCancer

A post shared by LeBron James (@kingjames) on Aug 28, 2020 at 8:27pm PDT

The Obamas, Joe Biden and fellow Howard University alum and VP nominee Kamala Harris all poured out their hearts in shock:

Chadwick came to the White House to work with kids when he was playing Jackie Robinson. You could tell right away that he was blessed. To be young, gifted, and Black; to use that power to give them heroes to look up to; to do it all while in pain – what a use of his years. https://t.co/KazXV1e7l7

— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) August 29, 2020

Only Chadwick could embody Jackie Robinson, Thurgood Marshall, and T’Challa. He, too, knew what it meant to persevere. To summon real strength. And he belongs right there with them as a hero—for Black kids and for all our kids. There’s no better gift to give our world. pic.twitter.com/t2tjZDMxNT

— Michelle Obama (@MichelleObama) August 29, 2020

Heartbroken. My friend and fellow Bison Chadwick Boseman was brilliant, kind, learned, and humble. He left too early but his life made a difference. Sending my sincere condolences to his family. pic.twitter.com/C5xGkUi9oZ

— Kamala Harris (@KamalaHarris) August 29, 2020

The true power of @ChadwickBoseman was bigger than anything we saw on screen. From the Black Panther to Jackie Robinson, he inspired generations and showed them they can be anything they want — even super heroes. Jill and I are praying for his loved ones at this difficult time.

— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) August 29, 2020

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We’ve lost a great one. My heart is truly broken. #ChadwickBoseman

A post shared by Octavia Spencer (@octaviaspencer) on Aug 28, 2020 at 7:13pm PDT

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I have to say this because it’s on my heart. We all must do and be better about how we discuss people aesthetically. I remember reading things people were saying about Chadwick’s dramatic weight loss without ever considering his circumstances. Now, my heart is breaking because a young and vital talent has ascended, and I pray he never felt the withering assault of public scrutiny. I pray that his family knows just how beloved he is. That he was always a perfect gentleman with strong convictions. Always gracious. Graceful. Many of us are inconsolable right now; but I’ve put my mother on the case. I’ve prayed and asked her to show him around heaven and to look in on us every once in a while!!

A post shared by Octavia Spencer (@octaviaspencer) on Aug 28, 2020 at 10:22pm PDT

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Your Legacy will live on forever, Rest in Paradise King ...

A post shared by Cory Hardrict (@coryhardrict) on Aug 28, 2020 at 11:43pm PDT

Pics we love from the rest of cast:

Chadwick Boseman presenting Daniel Kaluuya for Get Out winning best feature film at the independent spirit award pic.twitter.com/eOuzmFMc6J

— the famous rick grimes Dianne Wyntet (@ldiannew) March 4, 2018

This picture of Chadwick Boseman and Michael B Jordan pic.twitter.com/si5PJTuRa9

— Marta (@xdiordepp) August 29, 2020

Even Soccer players paid their respoects during their weekend games:

and he hit them with the Wakanda

RIP @chadwickboseman. pic.twitter.com/vmnJ3X7mDc

— Sporting KC (@SportingKC) August 30, 2020

For you #ChadwickBoseman.

Wakanda Forever. pic.twitter.com/C92bf51QRh

— Major League Soccer (@MLS) August 30, 2020

Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang scores, and hits us with Wakanda Forever #RIPChadwickBoseman

(via @FA)pic.twitter.com/oXR1h2N2uV

— Yahoo Soccer (@FCYahoo) August 29, 2020

We love to see it.

Photo: Featureflash Photo Agency/Shutterstock

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2020/08/30/chadwickforever-ryan-coogler-the-black-panther-cast-former-co-stars-politicians-more-give

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dealingdreams · 4 years

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Okay TROS thoughts...here we go. I’m putting them all below the cut in case somehow you’ve avoided spoilers

so general thoughts...i didnt hate it nearly as much as i thought i would so thats pleasant but im gonna break it down more

things i liked:

Adam Driver. just Adam. Fucking. Driver my dudes. This is like a backhanded compliment because JJ is so fucking lucky Adam was cast because the emotional depth of the film rested literally all on his shoulders for me. I only felt the weight if he was acting in a scene.

I’ll admit im biased but I did adore the interaction between Finn and Poe. Their bickering amused me and the tenderness between them was wonderful...I think Oscar played Poe a bit jealous as well which i liked.

the Reylo scenes to me where beautiful. Ben never lied to her, she tried to deny it but she knew he never did. I loved that he was kinda guiding her, protecting her, loving her, and antagonizing her all at once. I loved how soft their kiss was, their smiles are literally the light of my life. Rey’s face when she healed him. Ben just staring at her as she tells him she did want to take his hand...just chef’s kiss

I loved the saber fights. Ben’s fight at the beginning was hot as fuck...and his fight as newly redeemed Ben Solo was even hotter somehow.

I enjoyed the fight scenes between ben and rey! how often ben just let her walk away, and despite that one scene which i will mention below...i like i even tho rey was rather aggressive idk...it didnt really feel like she was trying to hurt him much either? i just think they had a lot of chances to kill each other and didnt take it...so i like that

i knew she was looking at ben in that clip i knew it...she only makes that soft face at him

I always enjoy stupid ass C3PO jokes for some dumbass reason

Han and Ben’s scene was heartbreaking and beautiful. Again tho JJ is fucking lucky to cast Adam cause recycling dialogue from TFA wouldnt have worked at all had Adam not been so fucking amazing

the save chewie hall blaster scene was fun

i liked how fucking dramatic children ben and rey were with that damn ship lol...no im gonna force pull it...no im gonna...what dorks

while i didnt like the entire way the force bond was used i did enjoy seeing it still strong and growing

confirming canon soulmate reylo was a highlight

ben’s hair looked bomb

finn’s outfit was cool

Jannah was beautiful (please correct me if i misspell her name)

dark rey was glorious tho

that new little droid is literally me so i adore it

that sith cave thing was really fucking cool looking

the visuals of the film were most of the time stunning

sooooo...now to what i didn’t like:

I think this first one is the most obvious for those who know me but...Ben’s death just feels so utterly useless to me. especially when they gave him a metaphorical death earlier in the film. i feel extremely hurt and betrayed. Disney has gone out of their way to make us sympathize with Ben Solo. They’ve revealed more and more of his past...how alone he was, the abuse he suffered from snoke and palpatine. just fuck...they just kill him...the moment he realizes he’s free and loved they end his life....literally WHAT THE FUCK. it’s a chicken shit way out of a redemption arc honestly. Not letting u just breath after his death was also so horrible. We barely got to see Rey mourn, we got a split second of it then it jumped to another scene...another second of her looking sadly at her sabor to have the moment interrupted

tag on to above but...they didnt have him as a force ghost cause Disney is intentionally keeping where he is ambiguous so they can sell more shit which pisses me off so much

thats not how the force works

there couldnt have been that many sith could there??? cause like there can only be 2 at one time....fucking rule of 2 so how the hell were there that many

palps being like...see i actually want you to kill me...is ridiculous

rey palpatine is the most idiotic thing i have ever heard. Rey being a no one from no where was such an amazing thing. Just anyone can be strong in the force...you dont need royal blood to make you worth something....then they just retcon that??? the fuck I MEAN THE FUCK.

Finn does nothing but worry about Rey the whole film. I know folks dont like his storyline in TLJ and while i understand that and do think it could have been written better i still adore it because Finn grew. He grew from just caring about a small group of people to caring about an idea to caring about something bigger than him. I didnt see any growth in his character in this film. His heroics were beautiful to see and I enjoyed seeing his heart but that was John’s acting more than the writing it think.

sidelining rose was fucking disgusting

the trio felt forced to me

the leia scenes didnt work for me honestly and they mostly just made me sad

bringing in lando now felt weird

ive wanted force sensitive finn for a while but didnt feel right

why the fuck have finn want to tell rey something but never do...ugh i hate storytelling like that

they never explained how palps is back...he just is

rey stabbing ben felt odd to me. i loved the moment when she healed him, and i know technically her anger and darkside was coming out and she acted on instinct...nevermind that even before leia called out to him ben coudnt follow thru with the killing blow.

....i’m sure i’ll think of more as i get angrier

anyways over all...id be lying if moments didnt make me laugh or smile...if i didn’t feel a sense of nostalgia and enjoyment for 80% of this movie. The thing is that even with so much of it being enjoyable to me it still felt void. An action movie, with new characters, a confusing plot and very minimal emotional depth.

The emotion hinged soooo much on Adam or me. The biggest reason for that aside from that fact that Ben Solo is one of my all time favorite characters, is that the things Rey is dealing with in the film are directly related to her being a palpatine...and i HATE THAT. Like straight up wanna fling it into the sun.

Rey never needed to be related to a force royal bloodline. She should have been allowed to remain strong because she was just strong. Kylo’s equal in every way, not because she was the granddaughter of a sith which btw you can’t inherit force powers. Retconing something so touching and unique from TLJ was just...fucking idiotic. All to please the loud but small misogynistic fandom that thought a woman couldnt be that strong on her own so she must be related to someone

The biggest thing....tho is killing Ben. it felt so unnecessary and just...i feel so betrayed. The interviews leading up to the film got my hopes up that i was worried for nothing. I always thought they’d kill him, because cinema seems to not know what to do with characters has tragic as him without just killing him in the end. we already got a redemption = death plotline in this franchise...why couldnt we get a redemption = life instead??? My friend who doesnt even like sw that much...tros was actually the 2nd sw fim she’s ever seen...thought it was unnecessary as well and agrees with me a lot about my feelings despite not having the same intense emotional attachment to him as me. She for a moment thought they’d be together at the end but nope. Its just...pointless to me now, the sacrifices han, luke, and leia made to reach Ben are for nothing. Their deaths...pointless...Ben means so fucking much to me. I’ve never felt such an intense emotional bond with a character before so im just hurting so fucking much right now.

Rey taking the name Skywalker isnt hopeful or cute its a slap in the face honestly...and it’s just weird!

The last Skywalker died loved and held by the woman he loved and that is beautiful to me. He died happy and a hero thats a balm at least...but to not let him be the one to kill palpatine...after everything EVERYTHING he put him and his family thru was another just fuck...i wanted justice for him and he just got thrown away

Ultimately...Ben and Rey are soulmates and their force bond was severed. Palpatine didnt take that from them because he couldnt have...again not how the force works....but JJ used that bond to be a battery???? the fuck...but ultimately hes forcing Rey to live the rest of her days with a gaping wound in her soul. a wound unable to be filled and will be with her for the rest of her life...thats so fucking tragic to me. you give rey someone who is her equal, who understands her, and you take him from her and force her to be alone for the rest of her life?? and we are supposed to not see that as a tragedy? Her being fineishness at the end of the film seemed like direction from either the writing or in the moment, but just further proves he didnt bother to even understand the lore he was using. Force bonds were considered i quess legends in the current SW canon but Rian brought it back...so it’s back. and well

"A bond between two living beings is not something easily broken. It is not a choice… it is like breaking a feeling. Like turning away from the Force. To break a bond, your feelings would have to change, or one of you would have to die—but even then, the bond wouldn't go away, it would simply… it would simply be empty, a wound."―Master Zez-Kai Ell[src]

and .... the only way to break it was to turn away from the Force, as Surik did on Malachor V. So basically it all came down to creating a wound in the Force”

sooo yeah...im pissed i’d give this movie a 1 1/2 out of 5

thank you for those who have read my rantings! I hope at least some of this made sense

#tros spoilers #ben solo #kylo ren #reylo #musing

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balladofthesadcat · 5 years

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Back From The Dead

Pairing: AC’s Clay Kaczmarek x f!reader

Summary and explanations: Screw canon, Clay deserved better so here we go, angst and pain and troubles, but he is brought back to life and gets his happy ending with reader. (Y/N) means Your Name. There is a part where he briefly sings, that short line is from Monty Python’s Life of Brian (fun fact :3).

Warnings: some swearing, angst, mentions of violence and a whole lot of tears.

Word count: 10.941 words

Author’s note: HAPPY CLAYDAY2019!!!! I am late but... Let’s give this man the love he deserves! Dedicated to @ass-sass-sin-o who thought up this beautiful occasion. Also tagging @marshmallow--3 who was also really supportive. Everybody: PLEASE ENJOY! LET’S LOVE CLAY KACZMAREK! <3333333

You sat there, staring at the computer screen, your blood pressure reaching another peak of the recent times, just like on many other occasions during these last few weeks. Actually, it had been going on for a little over a month now. You’d find new and new pieces of evidence, traces, digital footprints and outright records of them, their exchanges, and… The remains.

It started out as just another curious vigilante exploration. You knew Abstergo was plain filth, that was old news. There were times when you had bumped into something shady which you then traced back to them and then intervened, operating from the shadows, making good use of your hacking skills, stirring up a nice little storm for them that was just enough to cut that branch off. On some other occasions, you’d even venture to sneak in to some places where, let’s say, no regular person was supposed to. You’d steal, destroy or just tamper with something to make the whole thing useless for them. So, to put it simply, you had been a thorn in their side for a long-long time now. You were the Faceless, you went by that name. If ever you appeared somewhere physically, you’d take extreme care to protect your identity, hiding your face from view, leaving no fingerprints either. If ever you contacted the Assassins, despite being on their side, you’d never reveal yourself. And even in your hacking you’d be neat and someone would have to be your exact image inside-out to be able to trace it back to you and find you at the root of all chaos to the Templars. All in all, in whatever you did, you were neat and precise. Oh, you loved dealing out a series of good beatings and you’d gotten used to killing sprees as well, but even the way you executed that was like a piece of art, a performance which only you could manage. Naturally, both sides attempted to make a deal with you and recruit you, but you would never join the Templars for you could never share their views and as for the Assassins, you felt that you could be most helpful if you remained faceless even for them, always keeping in touch, always appearing in the right moments, but remaining a myth, sort of. You were like an element in an equation that wouldn’t reveal its full potential until the final showdown, the solution, which no one knew when was to come. And this was working – you easily mended your secret life to fit next to the one on the surface. In the beginning, it was a hobby which then became a purpose, but you had the freedom to be your own boss in both, which was convenient. You could make use of your skills and the handsome money you earned when you needed them as the Faceless, providing yourself with the physical requirements - both bodily and the tools. You didn’t keep track of every Assassin, but whenever you came in contact with one or more of them, you’d gather some intel just to know what and how to say and what to expect.

When the Animus project was only starting out and they had sent him in, you weren’t as involved in this whole ordeal back then as you were now and things between you and Clay had been over for quite a while. Honestly, given what happened, you didn’t even want to get involved so that pushed you away from delving into this mission of his. Your reaction was like when seeing an unpleasant acquaintance in a café – you turned right around and closed the doors behind you, not spending a moment there. You weren’t mad anymore, you were just… Sad, plainly put. You felt a tightening in your chest and an unpleasant acid presence in your throat when seeing him or thinking about him so you just did what you had to to put an end to this – cut him off, turned right away from his direction.

You were emotionally unprepared when you met him. He was intense, always, and he was so vivid and complex and sure that it was a lot for you. That was what drew you in too. It used to be comforting, because he saw right into you and he knew just what to do to reel you in. But it wasn’t like a hunt, he just let you rely on him, allow yourself that relief, and he made you see that you could trust him, he would help you trust him, and he would show you what it meant to be in a relationship, to be – loved and wanted. You were a tough nut to crack, but he told you that he was willing, that he was able, and you wanted just that. It never reached a peak, however. What used to be comforting, turned into the source of worry and anger. You got scared of his confidence? Perhaps. Maybe you were right? You didn’t know. But you began questioning and he wasn’t responding well, he seemed distant and when he actually had to spend less and less time with you because he got seriously involved in the fight against Abstergo, you accused him and you ran. You disappeared before he did, not knowing. You buried yourself in training, earning your way, making a career, entertaining people. Fame and the picture you painted protected you, at least no one would suspect later what you did when you weren’t putting on a show. Really, you were lucky and you even laughed at it, amused by how so in the face of everyone you were, yet also hidden. Perhaps one day it would cause your downfall and you would go down in flames, but it would only be fitting for your romantic nature.

Sometimes you wondered what would’ve happened had you stayed, what could have been… But you would never know. You had your chance to at least send him a message to talk it over, but you wasted it by not acting. And then he was no more. Subject 16, Clay Kaczmarek. On some cozy and lonely nights after coming back from a trip to your home, unpacking your suitcases, looking at all the things you had bought during one of your many travels as (Y/N), as someone normal, someone the masses thought of as an entertainer, who had an image, your thoughts drifted to him, briefly playing with the idea that maybe he was your origin story all along. How tragically comical.

You then began your study of the whole Animus project, backtracking others’s steps and learning all about the machines, the goals, Clay’s sacrifice, Lucy’s betrayal and Desmond’s fateful end. At first it was very emotionally exhausting, but then you went at it with a more surgical approach, distancing yourself, knowing that you had to bear the weight in order to acquire the knowledge. So you dug deeper, deeper, even when sometimes it seemed that there was no more. You’d sneak into Abstergo’s labs to find the currently unused Animus machines and venture into the deep ocean of information stored inside it to see for yourself what Clay and Desmond left behind. It was a difficult task to accomplish, but once understanding the science of the machine as if it was your mother tongue, you unlocked more levels and planes than what you thought was possible, knowing that this was the only place that did not let you leave without a trace and you paid the price, accepting that you could only cover your steps, gritting teeth to continue this for as long as possible so none in the opposition would discover who you were. At this time, you didn’t really have a goal with this, but somehow you just kept going forward, or more like inward. There was a night when you completely missed out on sleep because of your Animus session and had to flee the scene in the morning and it was the most heartbreaking of it all. You found imprints deep inside the Animus which when molded together, showed you the exchanges between Clay and Desmond, like visions, replaying for you as many times as you wanted them to, but without the option to interact. You learned that Clay, at the very end, tried to momentarily cling to something, anything, hoping that maybe he could still come back, somehow. But he couldn’t, he was left trapped inside the machine’s depth, providing Desmond with his way out so he could leave it completely, although reaching his own end soon after in a similar heroic sacrifice. The day after was when you sent a message to Shaun, Rebecca and William, simply saying that you were truly sorry for their loss. A message out of the blue, emotional, irrational, uncontrolled, but it gave you some inner relief. No one comforted you when you mourned Clay, even if late, because no one knew, but at least… At least you could comfort them.

After that you stopped visiting the Animus, only diving into the information you took on memory cards and hacking, in the safety of your own home. But it seemed that you weren’t allowed to settle down. There was always something that caught your attention and you had to look into it. There was always more to discover about what Clay did. Even after you thought you had seen every last trace of him, there was always more. And it wasn’t comforting, because oftentimes it contradicted what you thought you had learned – the Animus deleted the last remains of his conscience, so how was this possible? There was data that suggested the opposite. You were determined not to accept it, not wanting to give yourself or any of the Assassins false hope by contacting them and then having to tell them that it was a false alarm. But you wanted to get to the bottom of this, so as much as you wanted to escape this, you couldn’t so… Back into another Animus you went, diving deeper than ever before. If Clay was still somehow alive in there, you had to find out, not for yourself, but for him. The reason did not matter, the how or why, but the fact did, so you went with a purpose.

You found the island where he and Desmond met and saw the broken remains of the gateway which no longer functioned, the loose black pieces floated around in the air in a lazy manner. You frowned, turning away, taking a good look around yourself for the umpteenth time. It seemed endless, like a void. There were islands in the distance, like the one you were on, but they did not call to you. You took slow, unsure strides forward until the very end of your feet hung slightly over the edge and your body instinctively stopped. You felt an immense force trying to stop you from what you were trying to do then and it was then that you felt the raw hostility of the Animus. It was terrifying to realize that it was trying to hold you back and sabotage the simple act of you looking down. You even panted when you finally managed, as if you were under actual physical restraints. And it dawned on you that this – this you had never experienced before because the thought never even occurred to you. Below you you saw the endless, impenetrable darkness that somehow still seemed to froth. It was alien, it was wrong, it was screaming at you to go back. Perhaps you should’ve, maybe this was to be your final gateway to madness.

- Clay. – you uttered, voice trembling, but still loud, and then you jumped, hood slipping from your head and your body falling into the darkness, tearing at your invisible restraints, penetrating into the matterless mass that wanted to push you – no, throw you back, but you cut right through it.

What was time? What was light? Such concepts did not exist here. You realized that you could see, you could move, but your brain could not comprehend the means, threatening you with splitting your head if you probed at it any further, barely able to comprehend the fact that it just happened. Were you still falling or were you floating or were you standing? There was no answer. You didn’t even know if your eyes were open or not.

- No living being should be here. – a voice spoke, seemingly close to you. You took a deep breath – or did you? – and you tried to get to the source, feeling that if you could just reach out, you could do that and…

- You are alive. – the voice spoke again in your ear and a hand touched – no, something, something felt as if it vibrated against your shoulder, or what was supposed to be that. You then suddenly felt like you were briefly spinning and then a figure, a shape, a body began separating from the darkness before you, not materializing, more like trying to tear itself away from the endlessness. It never fully formed, no colours or matter were really present and it seemed to be constantly in motion as it was trying to gain – regain? – shape, but the more you looked at it, the more it felt like it was looking back at you, until…

- (Y/N)?! – he exclaimed, terrified, and then his form found shape and colour at once. A scream sprang from your throat in response and seemed to echo all around you until being sucked into the void.

You knew. It was him. He was there right before you. Clay. His face was contorted from not knowing how, what, why this was, only knowing that somehow you were there before him.

- Clay. – you whispered his name. – Where… Where are we? – you asked, but immediately realized that you shouldn’t have because as bodiless as you were, you somehow still felt an inexplicable but enormous pain beyond all bearing, somewhere in your head, causing you to bellow like a thousand hounds, all being beaten at once. Clay’s form appeared even closer to you in an instant and he raised his hands to your head, holding your temples, making you feel the same vibrations again, registering as they snuffed out the pain, leaving your head with a dull throbbing which was, compared to the previous feeling, even pleasurable.

- You are alive and therefore you shouldn’t ask such questions, not here, because in here the Animus will tear you apart for it. You shouldn’t even be here! – his voice gradually got angrier, but it was an exhausted kind of anger which only made your heart hurt.

- How do you know? – you whispered, looking into the depths of his eyes from up close. Perhaps, if you had been outside, up there in the world of matter, you could’ve felt his breath on your lips and he yours, on his. But this place was something else.

- I no longer ask nor look for explanations. I don’t think I can, either. Life is the place for that and I have no right or way to be there anymore. But you… - the colours began fading away from him, draining from his face until he was yet again a frothing shape, getting sucked back into the darkness. Terror and pain were stabbing your heart and you were trying to grab at him, in vain. – Go. – he finished simply, and suddenly he was nowhere.

But the vibrating feeling in your head remained, growing in intensity and it felt as if you were snatched up, pulled with inhuman force and at the same time pushed, but in one direction. You felt your back hit the ground of the same island from which you jumped, but then it disappeared from under you and suddenly your eyes snapped open and you woke with a sharp inhale, sitting right up in the Animus. You looked around in fear, but nothing has changed and you were still all alone in the dim room. You hoped you didn’t scream. Your next instinct was to look at your watch then to check the time, noting that no matter how timeless your experience was, here in the outside world you were still good on that front. You palmed your chest over your heart, focusing on your breathing and trying to control yourself and calm down, your other hand pulling your hood over your eyes again, shielding your identity once again. You would delete all footage of this visit again, naturally, but still, it felt good to conceal yourself again while gathering the energy to get up, clean up and leave.

It was around 3 am by the time you got home and locked your door behind yourself. You took off your shoes and trembled your way towards your bathroom, finally able to allow yourself to shake and lose focus, not having to concentrate on stealth. You turned on the light and looked in the mirror, not even flinching at the sight. Thin trails of dry blood ran from your right ear and your nose. Perhaps you had subconsciously licked it from your lips while making your way back, but you couldn’t recall that bit. You concluded that it could only be the result of when you asked your first question from Clay and felt that horrible pain. You sighed, for now content with only hoping that you did not suffer any serious internal physical damage. From then on the rest of the night was a blur – cleaning yourself and then surrendering to a joyless slumber in your bed. But now you knew one thing: Clay’s conscience was still alive. And you were going to bring him back.

The next few days you couldn’t act yet, being snowed under with your current work project, but at least it was good for a rest. But you already began thinking of your next step. In order to bring Clay back, you needed to find him a body, which was no easy task so at first you were completely devastated, not really knowing what your options were, if you even had any. You weren’t just going to rob a morgue for one and steal someone’s son away, you would need someone whom… Well… No one missed or no one knew where to search for. So once again you began snooping around in Abstergo’s database, trying to see if there were any unfortunate imprisoned souls somewhere, stolen from the world, who perhaps were crushed under the organisation’s weight and whose body you could… Maybe… Hopefully… Use for your quest. You figured that if you could get the body and you’d put it in an Animus, linked another to it to create a joined session and went in, you could drag Clay’s conscience back out and he’d find the body and anchor himself in it. You could program the device so that in the right moment it would overload for a snap and give him an electric shock to kick-start the heart. And maybe, just maybe, all that together would be enough to… Bring him back to life. You were no surgeon, no medically versed person but even if you were, you would have strong doubts. This was madness and quite impossible. But with all that happened, Pieces of Eden existing and all that wonder, all that magic, all that danger, you thought that if you didn’t give it a shot, you would be no better than the Templars. You heard him yourself, he wanted to come back. And he was a good Assassin too, he deserved to. So, not for yourself, but for him, you were going to try.

You released a long sigh from your lungs, not knowing you were holding one in. It was a beautiful, warm day and you were currently buried deep in one of Abstergo’s many servers, looking for your unknown target. What you ended up discovering though, you really weren’t prepared for.

„Clay Kaczmarek, former Subject 16 of the Animus Project - REUSED”, the title read on your screen.

- Reused…? What the… How the… What? – you mumbled, shaking your head, blinking erratically. But the text did not change. You gulped and moved your cursor over it, clicking after a moment of hesitation. You immersed yourself in the detailed report, reading everything carefully, even though most of what was there you had already known, it was basically his story written down. But at the end there was an update. Your heart almost skipped a beat. Reused. They recovered his corpse they had previously dumped. Using a Piece of Eden combined with a device – the operation of which you skipped reading about for now – they reversed the process of decay it was naturally going through and were now harnessing it for further genetic memory. They wanted to use his knowledge about the Assassins against them and incorporate the techniques into their own training. The body was now kept in Berlin in another one of their secret labs. Location, condition, everything was there.

Reused.

You spun your chair around and stood up, walking extremely slowly into the kitchen. You opened your fridge and took out a tiny jar of your homemade yogurt, ready to be consumed as a treat, finding the cinnamon as well and sprinkling some of it on it. You stirred it with a spoon, licked that, then poured the whole thing into the sink and ran back to your computer. Your skin felt like it was on fire and your brain was basically frying in its place but you never felt more alive. With this information, you hadn’t another moment to waste and you wanted to act as soon as possible. You didn’t even think it through, you just did what your instincts were telling you to do.

You worked furiously to locate Rebecca and her team and Lady Luck seemed to be on your side still, because you found them in Europe. You contacted them in a message, telling the necessary details about your recent discoveries and your plan. The events then followed each other in a rapid pace. Their response came quickly and you engaged in a serious conversation and by the end of the day you had your and their trip organized and covered to Berlin. The plan was to meet up there and infiltrate the lab, follow your mad speculation of resurrecting him through, steal the Piece of Eden, blow up the lab as a parting gift and get the hell out of there. Simple. Easy. Madness.

You cleaned up the yogurt incident in your kitchen with a pounding head, struggling to believe that all of this was happening. Of course, going through with this would mean revealing your identity to the team and thus, the Assassins, by getting into the Animus – no way they would just stand and wait while you were out cold and not lift the hood from your eyes to see who you were. But this didn’t bother you as much as you expected. You came to the conclusion that it had to happen at one point for whatever reason and that seemed to be now, with this. But you needed the help, this wasn’t something you could do alone and if you succeeded… You did not want to be left alone with Clay, you realized. You did not want to be the one to explain it all to him and then sit through the awkwardness that would surely follow, maybe even have your past brought up. You wanted to hand him back to the Assassins and disappear, returning to your role as the Faceless, allowing them to know you but still keeping your distance, functioning as a ghost to the Templars and as an ally to the Assassins, just doing your own thing, leading your life the same way as before until it came to a close, no matter how violent that may actually turn out to be.

You made sure nothing and nobody would bother you until you conducted this brave venture. And soon enough, the fateful day to meet the others finally came. You arrived to the hotel late in the afternoon and claimed your room key, booked under a fake name. The agreement with the others was that your rooms were to be booked right beside each other and you would meet once you were all settled. You didn’t bring too much and you didn’t bother to really unpack, not needing to. You finished that energy bar you were munching on on your way there and then walked out to the balcony, noting the walls dividing each room. You leaned on the railing and looked out over the city, breathing in. You were somewhat tired, and anxious, but you still wanted to follow this through. Thoughts about what was lying ahead and memories flooded your mind and you allowed them to consume you, taking you through pleasant and unpleasant times, only resurfacing when you heard soft chatter from your right. Leaning a bit further out you looked in that direction, spotting the familiar trio. Nodding to yourself, you returned to your room and then left it with the same drive, stopping at the neighbouring door and knocking. There was a light murmuring inside and some shuffling and then the door opened, revealing a slightly uptight-seeming Shaun Hastings who looked quite surprised.

- May I help you, miss? – he asked.

- I don’t suppose you have an espresso machine in your room, do you? – you asked. By your agreement this was to be your code to help them know it was really you. Wordlessly, he stepped aside to let you in. There was the natural surprise and some questions about if and how you knew Clay but you brushed those aside, stating that you would not talk about the two of you. Your eyes betrayed you and displayed exactly how much sadness was churning inside you. But you all had to keep going, you weren’t there to relax. So you sat down and discussed your approach, every step. Infiltrating the underground lab at night would be easy and you decided that destroying that one level where you were to conduct your experiment would be enough, it would destroy all evidence and throw Abstergo off your possible trail. Deciding on whipping up an electric fire, you have discussed everything and got ready.

From then, it all turned into a crazy dream. You wouldn’t call it a nightmare, but it was quite strange nonetheless. Your heart was definitely not beating as it usually did, the closer you got to your ultimate target. And when you were standing in front of the capsule-like object which housed Clay’s body, you realized that you were terrified, the fright was clawing at your tissues from the inside. But you didn’t fear failure, you were actually prepared for that. You feared success, you feared facing him, even if for a minute until you would have to get going and get out of there. Your heart, after all this time, was not ready. You did not want to analyze what you were feeling nor face it, at all. You forcefully pushed on and helped the others set up the connection between the machine and an Animus in which you were supposed to go. Shaun and Rebecca were absolute geniuses and you experienced a short relief while you marveled at how quickly and seamlessly they familiarized themselves with the strange device, discovering how they could produce that overload in the right moment that was to serve as the defibrillator and how they could remove the Piece of Eden after it was all done – successful or not. Now that Piece of Eden, it was a strange artifact, really. It was made of the same material as the Apple, but it was shaped like… It really reminded you of a traditional Japanese teacup. It was thin, but the „cup” walls weren’t that high so it could barely hold any liquid if used in such a way. It emanated a strange sensation and an unearthly, soft but unsettling sort of light and when you gazed at it for a bit longer, you felt a familiar buzzing inside your head. It was situated behind Clay’s head in the device and with a bit of tinkering it could easily be removed as you could see.

Clay… His body was in excellent condition, the river’s toll taken on it nonexistent. He looked like as if he was only sleeping – he just wasn’t breathing and his heart wasn’t beating. He was as beautiful as ever, you thought with fondness, but you violently tore yourself away from that and turned your back to him, settling in the simplified Animus device beside him. It wasn’t made to be comfortable, you noted, but it was the easiest to transport and it would serve the purpose. Once everthing was ready, the others settled down and you went in.

Snooping outside the regular planes inside was now your forte, you could say, and finding that desolate island was easy. You floated and treaded with purpose and even though you could sense the resistance of the system – trying to push you back from reaching the place where you weren’t logically supposed to be because it was actually trying to protect you, even if aggressively –, you slowly but surely made your way to the edge once again. You peered down into the impenetrable depth and knew that you were attempting the impossible again. How could it be impossible if you had already done it once before? But it was, it really was, because you knew that this time you might not be so lucky and come back. Or you would, but without Clay’s conscience. But whatever awaited you, you did not care, you had to go, you had to jump, you had to cut through, you had to reach, you had to find

- Clay. – you said his name, Clay, Clay, Clay, Clay---

You did not even notice when you began your intrusive descent against and into the womb of hostility, but suddenly you just knew that you were doing it. You couldn’t tell when you arrived, if ever, but you just had to trust your gut that you were, somehow, there – wherever that was. There was silence, but it was a peculiar statement to make because what really was there was the nothingness. You still had to try, somehow, to find him. You had to. He must still be there. But unlike the first time, he did not come. In an instant, you were panicking and you had to mentally pressure yourself to snap out of it and stay focused, to not get lost.

- No living being should be here. – you whispered, just like he did the last time. What were you hoping for by this? You honestly had no idea, you just made an attempt so that maybe, just maybe…

- I am no longer alive. – his voice, exhausted, dismal, called somewhere near you. You tried to turn in his direction, wherever that was.

- Maybe not at the moment. – you said and swallowed a huge lump in your throat. You began hearing the loud beating and throbbing of your own blood in your ears. In that moment, you suddenly knew, just knew that you had to be swift now, there was no room for fooling around. You could hardly make out the frothing shape of a body, the image of a man who once was.

- What do you mean, (Y/N)? – he asked you, and then you lunged forward – you hoped you did, but this place wouldn’t let you be able to tell. Your mind, however, was dead set on executing these actions. You looked in front of you, at the unreal figure and extended your arms, wrapping them around him, not knowing if you were actually feeling him or not, but you prayed to all deities that were and were not that you did.

- You are coming back, Clay, you are coming back with me and you are going to return to your body and you are going to live, you are going to live, you hear me?! – you screamed, voice shaking with the tears that never escaped when you parted those many years ago but threatened you now.

The Animus attacked you then. You were attempting to leave and take something with you that you were not supposed to and the system didn’t want you to do that. You felt winds of cold and dark stab and tear at you, attempting to pull you apart, but in response you just dug your nail into the mass of Clay’s conscience you were enveloping. Invisible and unreal electrical charges shot through you, but you just pushed closer, focusing on only one thought: returning to the world. Everything was loud and silent, you felt sensations that were impossible to describe and nothing at all, extremities held you that could not be and you could not tell what actually was and what was not. You could only hope that you were actually moving, somehow escaping, but you also felt lost and you had no way of telling.

In the room, Rebecca, Shaun and William were watching over the two of you. Five minutes had passed, ten, fifteen, twenty… Frustrated sighs left each throat, one after the other. They felt like it was all in vain and they should try to pull you out before you were lost.

But then your vital signs changed abruptly. Your heart was beating twice the speed of what was natural and acceptable in your tense state, your blood pressure was at the same time extremely low and your fingers were twitching, although the rest of your body wasn’t jerking. It was alarming and they all jumped to their feet, but before they could forcefully end the session, the Piece of Eden activated itself as well, the alien light that was softly coming from it quadrupled in power and filled the whole room, coating everything, causing the glass of Clay’s case to crack an then completely shatter, covering him in the softest layer of glass shards – all so quickly that they barely had enough time to register it. But it was obvious that they had to act now. They launched the overload and Clay’s body convulsed from the shock, continuing to twitch wildly, the alien glow making it seem like a lucid dream.

Then, with no warning, you sat up, sucking in air as if you were a second away from drowning and this was your last and unexpected chance to save yourself from suffocating. At the exact same moment, Clay’s body stopped twitching and he himself also raised into a sitting position in one swift movement. Just as you both raised and your eyes were trying to refocus and regain sense, the Piece of Eden’s light died down. For a few seconds you were debating whether you were dreaming, dead, or if this was real and you were back out, alive. You bit the insides of your cheeks and when you felt the familiar unpleasantness, you nodded, accepting the fact that you were alive. You slowly, timidly, turned your head in the direction of the other device to see whatever you had to see there. As if on cue, mirroring your movement not a millisecond late, Clay also turned his head and then your gazes met. Time really felt like it had stopped then, only the beating of your hearts was heard, a thousand tiny needles picking at you inside your veins. You were in a trance, but you desperately wanted to break out, so you began fighting yourself, mentally beating yourself, all in the matter of seconds, to make yourself snap out of it and…

- Come on, let’s pack up. Shaun, help Clay up and William… - you heard Rebecca speak and that was your salvation. You sprung to your feet and frantically pulled your hood over your head. From then on it was another crazy blur, but one thing you could constantly feel – Clay’s eyes upon you. You thanked the fact that he was still too weak to speak to you – or whatever the reason was, really, you were just glad as you were already at the end of what you were able to handle without shutting down. You gathered your tools, Shaun safely removed and wrapped up the Piece of Eden to take it away for further discovery, all footages of your presence were erased and you successfully started up the fire, making sure that it would destroy everything behind you and cover your escape. Shaun and Rebecca took Clay with them in the van while you and Miles senior took a different route, the five of you meeting once again back at the hotel, careful about your re-entry, not to cause a stir and seem suspicious.

You told Mr. Miles to go forward and you went to your own room first. Since you hadn’t unpacked, you only had to wash up and fix your attire and you were ready to leave. You grabbed your bag and entered the other room from the balcony. You walked over to the team, your breathing measured. Clay was sitting on the bed, seemingly fine and Shaun and William were explaining the details of the time leading up to this day to him. When they noticed you, Rebecca greeted you with a tired but warm smile and stood to step towards you but stopped, seeing your bag hanging on your shoulder.

- Don’t. Please. I just want to be short about it now. – you got the start of any protest, taking in one shaky breath before continuing, straightening your posture. - So, everything is as we discussed, you have your contacts here and disappearing once you are ready should be easy. I hope I have provided you with enough financial support. Please, treat yourselves well with however much is left – I hope it’s a lot, I really didn’t play it shmuck. Yeah, all that and… Take care, see you around sometime. Let’s continue to stick it to the Templars. – you finished, striding to the door with only one intention – to leave.

- (Y/N). – Clay called out to you with such a tender voice that you almost choked on your own breath and that halted your hurried movements. It was the first time in years that you heard his actual living voice and it nearly made you collapse, they could see your legs bump together, making you stumble.

- I beg of you! – you struggled out with trembling lips and wildly shook your head, not looking back. – Guys, I am really not proud of what I am about to do and I will forever try to atone for it, but… This is all I can bear now. I must return to what I was. You know who I am now anyway. I… I cannot do this, Clay. – you breathed out the last sentence and then dashed towards the door like a wild animal escaping confinement.

And with that, you were gone.

You then began your longest hitchhiking of your life and made it across the border. That much caution was excessive, but you needed the therapeutic effect it held. Sleeping in cheap motels, not speaking to anyone besides giving the directions and saying a polite thank you when paying for your food. You had time to start burying this whole experience in yourself and build your walls right back up, protecting your heart, mind and soul.

After the last bit of traveling, you resumed your life back home under your real name, continued working and took some time off from being the Faceless once you have made sure that Clay, Rebecca, Shaun and William were all fine as well, but without contacting them of course. After a month of this, you knew though that you were prepared to open up that part of your life again. You caught up with what was happening at Abstergo and happily noted that they still, even after a bloody month, had no clue what the hell happened in Berlin. It was a serious blow to them which threw them back a great deal.

Life was relatively normal for you and even though you were prepared to be bombarded by the Assassins, in thought you mutely thanked the guys for – you guessed – spreading the message that you preferred to continue operating as an ally, solo. Wherever you went, you knew that when a stare was too long and too strange, it was from these hidden ones, but you were thankful for them respecting your silent wishes. You had your hands deliciously full, so to say, because you were never bored, you always found something to deal with, a way to stir up some trouble for the Templars.

Your heart returned to its dormant state that was oh so familiar from the previous years and you thought that it would now stay that way forever. But on a cold, autumn day, you felt your breath stolen from you once again. Of course, you couldn’t expect to never see him again, but not like this… You were sitting at a table in front of a café, almost empty paper cup of melange in hand and book in the other when a figure took the seat next to you.

- Hi. – a curious male voice greeted you and you looked up at him, blood draining from your face then. It was Clay, Clay Kaczmarek, sitting right there beside you, looking as alive as ever, looking… Looking beautiful, healthy, everything he deserved to be, a brown leather jacket over a hoodie with a pair of dark jeans and boots keeping him warm and simply stylish. His eyes were stormy, however, but you didn’t stop to wonder about the reason behind that.

- Is it something concerning Abstergo? – you whispered after a few moments of trying to compose yourself. You saw him shake his head.

- No, nothing of the sort. I wanted to talk to you about… - he began, but you dropped your coffee and book after his first word. You ran, once again, forgetting your book there, only caring about escaping him. You did everything, tot he best of your abilities, to lose him, arriving home quite a while later. Your legs gave out once you closed the door behind yourself and you fell to the floor. You were breathing heavily, loudly, fighting for every inhale, trying not to pass out. It took quite a while for you to calm down and then you shakily took off your shoes, still lying on the floor. You trembled, almost collapsing when trying to stand up, but with enough patience and determination you managed to stay up and get out of your coat, now just staying in your pants and cozy turtleneck. You took a few steps towards the kitchen when you heard the soft creaking noise of your door as it opened and then closed and your keys were turned in the lock. You were frozen in your spot, one arm raised halfway in front of you as you wanted to thread your fingers through your hair but stopped before you could due to these sudden noises. You couldn’t move so you just waited. A few steps and then the intruder was right behind you. A hand slowly rested on your shoulder – strange, it wasn’t menacing at all and it was oddly familiar.

- (Y/N), please take deep breaths. I do not want you to panic. I locked the door just to be safe, but not to trap you. You can still send me away if you wish. But if you don’t, I will keep my distance, but please, give us a moment to sit down so I can talk to you. And just… Just listen, please. That is all I ask of you. – Clay spoke slowly, clearly, careful not to startle you even further or cause you to react in a way that you would harm yourself. You followed his request and consciously took deep breaths, keeping a steady rhythm. You then slowly moved away from his touch and walked into the kitchen, sitting on the first chair beside the table you saw. Clay, after quickly getting rid of his shoes to be polite, followed you and carefully took a seat in front of you on another chair, keeping a respectful distance between the two of you.

- Alright, I’ll… I’ll listen. – you mumbled, chancing a quick glance into his eyes but feeling a sharp pain in your heart so you immediately averted your gaze. There was no escaping now, it was going to happen.

- So… - Clay began, trying to choose his words carefully. – I… Won’t ask why you did it, but I… I still want to thank you. – He hummed, scanning your face, your form for any sort of reaction. – Yeah. And I… Actually, you know, I am just so damn thrilled because even though I still remember everything, the visions no longer haunt me and I haven’t slept better than since you brought me back. – his sudden enthusiasm seemed to die down here and he looked down at his hands. – Although something’s still missing and… Damn it, (Y/N), I want to talk about you and me, pick up the problem from where we left off, you know? – he confessed, looking right at you again.

And that’s when it happened.

- I ca-, I-hi-I, I ca-, I can’t! – you struggled to spit it out through a series of wild, tearful hiccups, feeling a sudden shortage of breath. The barrier finally broke and the tears you forced down your throat all those years ago after running away from him, in addition to all the frustration and exhausted pain you gathered since then in connection to him, now finally escaped your prison. You wept, hollering in pain as your suffering felt too much to bear and there was no other way for it all to escape. It felt like you were going to explode if you tried to keep it in any longer. Your body hunched forward, your forehead on your knees, your hands clinging to the sides of your thighs, surely bruising your own skin under the pants. Every nerve in your brain and every cell of your body was on fire, was hurting, and you had nowhere to run from this feeling. The tears kept coming like a monsoon’s downpour, completely soaking your face and your clothes. Clay was in fact afraid of such a heavy reaction from you, but he didn’t expect this volume. He debated whether touching you in this state would make it even worse for you but when he saw you slipping towards the floor from your chair, he dropped to his knees and caught you, locking you in his arms. You barely even registered, but you wanted to fight him, to escape his hold. This pointless struggle caused your weeping to increase and you had serious trouble breathing now, threatening you with passing out if you couldn’t calm down.

- (Y/N), listen to me! Focus on my voice! – he said loudly and sternly, hoping to drag you back from your helpless frenzy. – You must reign this in! Step by step, okay? But you must, you have to calm down, for your own sake! – he released a frustrated sigh, his defined brows knitting in the moment of desperation. – Please, I do not want you to hurt yourself even more!

He held your body even tighter to himself, elbows pressing your arms to your sides as his hands he then paced on your temples, making you angle your head so he could get a good look at your face. It was a mess of tears and some mascara, a troubled land in the midst of a war.

- Breathe with me now. Just come back. I am here. Find me, (Y/N). – he attempted to bring you back again. You had your eyes shut tightly and sounds of struggle and hurt were still spilling from you the same way as your tears were, but at least, slowly, you were regaining control over your breathing and as heavy as it was, you were no longer in danger of passing out from the lack of air. Clay held you through it and continued murmuring soft and sound phrases to you, helping you find your anchor back in reality. He was devastated that he could not prevent this, but at least calmness born out of weariness was still better than more turmoil, he thought.

Slowly, you rain out of tears and when you did, your first real thought appeared again – you wondered if that was even possible, but it seemed so. You turned your head, facing away from him and, as if on cue, he stood with you, helping you sit back on your chair. He walked over to the sink and you heard the water running, still not looking in that direction. Soon he was back in front of you, gently dabbing your face with a wet cloth, cleaning as well as refreshing it. You flinched at the first touch but then relaxed, the gentle treatment actually making you feel better. When he was done, he handed you a glass of water and waited for you to drink it all before taking it and the cloth back to the sink.

- I bet you have your answers now, whatever your questions were. – you said dryly. Clay looked at you with a confused expression but you still refused to meet his gaze.

- What do you mean?

- I’m embarrassed, Clay! Just look at what just went down. I’m practically mad so whatever you wanted, I’m sure you don’t want it now. – you sighed in frustration.

- Oh, for fuck’s sake, (Y/N), you should’ve seen me when the bleeding effect got worse and I was acting under the effect. That was madness and fucking ugly. Now this… - he sat down in his chair in front of you again. – This is all me and this is ugly, but not for the reason you think. – his voice softened by the end and he leaned closer to you.

- I want to sit back on the floor though. – you said flatly, already sliding back down to the kitchen tiles. This small act of yours made Clay smile genuinely, it was so undeniably cute even in such a problematic situation as the one you were in at the moment. But he loved your little quirk nonetheless.

- You always liked that. – he noted, joining you, one knee almost up to his chest and his other leg stretched out.

- Yeah.

- I remember it well.

- Aha…

- You often behaved like a cat. This, too, made me think of that.

- I guess.

- It’s cute. – he said, eyes searching your face. You didn’t respond with words, but you folded your hands in your lap. He moved his into your field of vision, aimed at the floor, showing you his palms as a sign that he had no vile intent. When you didn’t retreat, he closed the distance and placed his hands on top of yours. – So… Let me talk to you? – he tilted his head and your bottom lip twitched, but you nodded. – Okay. – he took a deep breath. – I just realized that I probably fucked this up greatly but… I know you probably don’t want to say too much yourself and I did want to let you rest but I do have questions… But anyway. – he chuckled awkwardly, shaking his head. It was a cute gesture and you looked up at him shyly, trying your hardest not to look away again when he locked his eyes with yours.

Whatever he was going to say, ask, you wanted not only to hear but also see that he was honest in it. You often forgot to blink when you were doing this, when you were so deliberately looking for this proof and he remembered that, noticing how your pupils changed in size, registering all your tiniest signs and understanding their meaning.

- I started doubting you. – you suddenly said before he could speak up, surprising both him and yourself. – You were always so confident, so sure, you had everything in you and you were the whole goddamn package and more – did you even realize that? – your lips trembled momentarily, but he stayed silent, wanting to hear you finish this, knowing how important it was. – You were – you are – handsome, smart, strong, but you also had a personality and when I learned that you even knew what suffering meant, how difficult it was to… To rise above a messed-up family background, I felt more connected to you than ever. To know that you would understand me changed everything! And you even said it when I voiced my concerns, you said that it was – that it was okay, you would help me see that and get through and over it and… And I wanted that, I thought that finally, finally someone… But, but then you… - your hands stiffened under his. – You began becoming distant and… And I wondered – he has been through hell and he came out victorious, why the hell would he ever want to do it again with me, suffer through the same by being with me? He didn’t need that trouble, did he? So I… I couldn’t understand anymore why you would ever… And you were even behaving differently so I… I just left because I… I didn’t want to be left. And even if your change in behaviour was caused by your blossoming involvement with the Assassins, I… Even today with a name to myself and success carved by my own hands, I would do the same. Because… Why would you ever… You need someone who’s not loaded with a problematic background and I don’t want to be… Left… But making it work with me is way too crazy so… - you shrugged, losing your energy and not knowing how to finish it so you just stopped. He’d think whatever he wanted to. Sure, you were horrible for saying all of this. But at least he got his explanation he could never ask for. Surely that was the only thing he came for. And even if now he thought you were a real bastard for thinking so horribly of him, it would be… Just okay. You were drained, ready to just accept it.

- So you lost your faith in me? – Clay asked carefully, his voice not giving away anything.

- Sort of, I guess… – you nodded, finally blinking and having to keep your eyes closed for a good minute as they watered painfully. – It was nice to toy with the idea, but you and me together wouldn’t be a heaven-made match, I think. And even if I’ve grown, I’m still the girl with trust issues and a strangely rising and lowering self-confidence inside. And even if I understand the lives we live now and I’d know you were coming and going because of it, the same with I, I just… I couldn’t do it. I’d run, because I’ve always did and… I’m a distrustful coward and I cannot expect you to fix that. Because you shouldn’t. That’s my job and probably a certified and trained therapist’s.

- You’re right about some things but you’re astonishingly wrong about others, (Y/N). – he said, laughing quietly.

- What…? – you tilted your head.

- Sure it’s not my job to fix everything for you but when we met, I didn’t say what I did just to get into your pants. I knew what I was in for, just as always, like with Abstergo. – he spoke clearly and unwaveringly, keeping you focused and unable to look away from him. – And I was ready to be your support, your crutches if you will. Even your home therapist if you wanted. I was willing to cut myself if it meant I could patch you up. Because I knew that you were someone who wouldn’t keep it one-sided. You were always giving and fair so I was never afraid of getting too deep. I wanted to go there. So when I said trust me, let me, allow me – I meant it all. All of it, (Y/N). – he sneakily slipped his hands around yours, fingers intertwined, and gave them a firm squeeze. – Healthy or not, I don’t give one single shit. I never did, I don’t. Because I knew, I know, that the reward was you and me, us. We’re definitely not a heaven-made match but don’t you remember? I’m a hell-hound. – he winked at you, bringing back old memories which you couldn’t fight and you… You blushed furiously, cheeks so red that he had a hard time resisting the urge to kiss them endlessly right then and there. He smirked, but it was not predatory nor scary in any way, it was hopefully confident even if he knew that he was still walking a tightrope with all of this. – Life’s a piece of shit when you look at it… - he half-sang that one line and it made you laugh, so suddenly and freely that it felt like the first deep inhale of fresh air after leaving a smoke-filled house. The sound was beautiful to Clay’s ears and he raised your hands to his lips, kissing each before noticing your gasp ending the laughter. – It really is, but there are some good things in it. We still haven’t lost the big fight, we still have our free will, coffee smells good, tigers and lions are just as silly as tiny housecats but like equipped with murder mittens, you are one kick-ass woman and now that I have another chance, no way in this damn world I’m wasting it. – he pulled you closer to him and you let him. – Can I say something? – he asked and it didn’t really seem to make sense, but you wanted to understand so you nodded, though frowning slightly.

- Sure.

- I’ll tell you what I think you should do. What I want you to do. – he began. – But you have your options, I just want you to trust me on this. I know that it will work if you give it another go.

You breathed in sharply.

- I won’t disappear again, not without you. I’m changing the game because I’m fed up after how it went down last time. We either go together or we go nowhere at all. I want you back with me and I want you to take me back, (Y/N). I will face whatever insecurities stir up some trouble for us and I will weed out every last one of them. You’ll be so sure of everything that you won’t ever feel that horrible pain here… - he released one of your hands to touch the side of your head gently - … or here. – his touch now rested over your heart for an extended moment before retreating but still hovering in front of you. – Just like I said all those years ago, I’m still standing by it today. I don’t care if it takes years, I’m willing and able to do it all. So you should just… Just dive right in. Trust me on this. You’ll see that I’m right, because I have it in me and you have it in you too and… If we just put that together, you’ll be in the best love you could ever find. I bet you couldn’t even write up such a story where it would surpass this.

- Clay. – you breathed his name.

- Nobody else could ever make me feel this weak by saying my name… - he admitted with a smile, the hint of shyness in it, grabbing your chin with his free hand, the other still holding yours. – I want to write my story, I want to tell a different tale and I want you to be and stay in it. I want… - his own composure was breaking now and he just started listing everything that he so missed. – I want you to say I’m yours and I want to say the same, and that you are mine, and I want to punch every bastard who looks at you wrong. And then I want you to scold me for it but feel it in your embrace afterwards that you love it when I get possessive. Then I want to talk it out and agree that I don’t have to go that far, only in extreme cases. I want to go on missions with you and kiss the damn breath out of you after you shoot a bad guy in the head because I’m so amazed and proud and I bet you are incredibly sexy when you do that. – his hands were suddenly all over your arms, rubbing them up and down and groping with growing fever, but still restrained from venturing to the rest of your body. – And I want to argue with you and then fix things because I know we can. And I want to watch you work and be your greatest fan. And I bet we’d almost get kicked out of a cinema because we’d laugh at the most inappropriate moments again during a horror movie. And I want to go to bed with you, I want to watch you shower and see you almost slip when you notice me so I can catch you and keep you safe and unharmed, I want to make a show of me undressing for you, and I want to be anything and everything you want me to be because you already are for me and I want you to know that if you just take that leap of faith… With me… We’d love each other so much that it would be so fucking good… - his hands stopped at your shoulders, gripping you there. Now, it seemed, it was his turn to cry. His sigh was so heavy, it held the weight of a whole world and his tears were even hot, matching his heated skin.

You couldn’t really speak while he talked. It was a lot to take in. But the more he went on, the more you felt different… Better. Hope somehow opened its eyes inside you and Clay’s momentum took you with him and soon you were drinking in his words like a desert’s wanderer the first source of water after the longest walk. And now that he was done, just watching you with silent tears and still holding you, you made your choice.

- Can I call you mine? – you asked timidly. His reaction was everything. He threw his head back in glorious, liberated, joyful laughter and pulled you into his arms. He leaned back against one of the table’s sturdy legs, keeping you tight against him.

- Yes, baby, I’m all yours and only yours and you can announce it to the whole world.

You were still unsure so only after he gave you his answer did you sneak your own arms around his waist as well. – Mine. – you stated, lips slowly stretching into a genuine, loving smile.

- Tell me if I’m wrong but… Mine, so mine that you’re nobody else’s. – Clay said, rubbing slow circles on your back and waist. You just nodded, confirming his claim. – I love you, (Y/N). – he confessed, nudging you so you would look up at him again.

- I—

- No rushing, babe, no need. We’re together now. – he cut you off.

- Never interrupt your woman, you uncultured possum. – you teased him, earning yourself a grin from him, which you easily mirrored.

- A’ight, ma’am.

- I love you too, Clay. – you finished, and in that moment, you felt better than ever.

- And now I’m going to kiss the life back into you because that’s what you get for loving me. I just need to do this in a more… - he suddenly stood, gathering you in his arms and making you wrap your legs around his waist - … comfortable setting, there we go. You’re really in for it now. – he said in that darling rascal of a tone of his, drawing a bubbly, easy laughter from you as you held onto him.

He took you through your house, doing an unintentional, quick discovery until he found your bedroom and after turning the lights on, he gently but playfully threw you on the bed, climbing in with and then over you.

- I bet your couch is nice too but I figured this would be much better for it. And then a nap, which we both undoubtedly need. And whatever else you agree on. – he winked down at you, caressing your cheek and your throat with unmatched tenderness. – If, of course, you don’t mind me staying over…?

- Please. – you said, wrapping him in a firm hug, keeping him close, enjoying his weight on you. It was reassuring, it spoke of comfort and safety and uninterrupted time without words.

- Good. Now… Let’s get this eternal love going. – he announced and his lips finally crashed down on yours.

That night, after you fell asleep in each other’s arms, you were still together even in your dreams. You met on the same unearthly plane of minds and knew that this time… This time it would stay this way.

#ac #Assassin's Creed #ClayDay #ClayDay19 #Clay Kaczmarek #fanfiction #my writing #Clay Kaczmarek x reader #ass-sass-sin-o #marshmallow--3

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chrysolina · 6 years

Text

The fury within

Ask - @lovesteverogersbaeworld Can u do a Steve Rogers x reader oneshot where the reader get into a huge argument but then (somehow 😂) they end of confessing their love for each other? Thank uuu ❤️❤️

Here it is hun! I’m so sorry it’s a bit later than I hoped )): 💕

Summary - When on one mission you risk your life for a friend caught in trouble, you expect the self-sacrificing Captain America to comfort you and acknowledge your skills - how wrong could you possibly be?

Warnings - mentions of fire, angst, fluff, kisses

“For the last time Steve, if I didn’t do what I did Wanda would’ve been fucking toast!” You yelled at the super soldier with an anger unseen by anyone before - not for long though.

Five of the avengers were called to a mission in Thailand in an abandoned gas station, according to witness statements and local officials the gang that resides there had weapons unseen by anyone before and were highly destructive in their wrong hands.

Alongside Steve, Bucky, Sam and Wanda you all went to destroy or remove these weapons from this gang and return them back to the US where they’d be stored in a highly secure vault for as long as possible.

The mission was a success but like all, it had its drawbacks.

A lit match came into contact with some petroleum spilt on the floor and the whole station went up in flames. One of the weapons, a deployable chain that limits telekinetic powers or objects that was magnetic caught Wanda’s hand and had her stuck on a storage unit that was getting closer and closer to the flames.

You saw her in danger and risked your life to save her, your nano-tech super-suit Tony built saved you from being burnt alive or scared in the process. Due to your quick thing and heroics, Wanda came out with only a nasty cough due to the fumes she inhaled and was quickly put on oxygen once in the Quinjet.

With the weapons now yours, the gang sent to prison and nobody too badly hurt, bar the odd muscle or cough, you’d easily say the mission was a success.

Steve, being the bossy captain he was, however, begged to differ.

He was furious at you. Not anyone else, just you. All for saving one of your best friends. A knife hit central of your heart when you arrived in the Quinjet with Wanda over your shoulder and found Steve scowling abhorrently at you.

It didn’t help that you had feelings for him either but you knew those feelings were never reciprocated since Steve always snapped at you when you did something wrong in the field and seemed to always make goo-goo eyes at Agent Sharon Carter when she was around the soldier.

Like you did with all things, you huffed it off and helped Wanda off the Quinjet once it landed. Well, you would’ve if Steve hadn’t told you to go to your room and wait for him - as if you were some scolded child.

The nerve of it!

Now here you were, yelling your point across to Steve fruitlessly whist trying not to bawl your eyes out in heartbreak. You saw an anger you’d never seen in his eyes ever before, and it was all directed to you - you and your ‘stupidity’ - so Steve said from his very lips.

“And for the last time Y/N, your recklessness almost caused the both of you to die! How tall do you think those flames were? Hm?” He chided like a parent scolding their child after a tantrum. In fact he wasn’t justtreating you ‘like’ a child, he was treating you as if you were an actual child out in a dangerous world you shouldn’t have been in.

There was only so much you could take and your end point was nearing. “Those flames you just walked straight through were eleven feet high Y/N. Even feet? What where you thinking?” You couldn’t bear to look in his eyes in fear of your tears spilling and Steve say something about them.

“Why did you do it Y/N? For Wanda’s life?” You could feel his looming presence near your shorter and most probably weaker frame.

A shiver of fear for the worst ran down your spine at the mocking tone of his deep voice, he knew your past and your condition when coming to SHIELD all those years ago - abused, malnourished and desperate for positive affirmation - you couldn’t guarantee his safety if he did choose to bring that up.

“Or was it all just to please Nick, hm? Just to prove that you’re worthy to be here?” Your eyes snapped wide open and boiled with fury at what he just said. He just chose to go there. He chose to fucking say that.

How dare he?! Quicker than you thought, you spun around to face Steve and slapped his cheek with all the force you could give, tears streaming rapidly down your face.

“How dare you!!” You screeched. “How dare you be so sly as to bring that up. How fucking dare you!” You seethed and watched Steve touch his face where the red hand mark was.

“Y’know for a man with a fucking silver star, you don’t act like the hero everyone paints you out to be! You’re a fraud Steven, a fucking fraud that everyone has fallen in love with! Fucking scratch that then, I see now that the man I fell in love with isn’t really the man I really thought he was.” You stopped your little speech to wipe away your tears and even your laboured breathing.

You didn’t bother to look in his irresistible blue eyes and turned away in disgust. “Just. Go.” Your voice broke and quivered as you told Steve to leave. At this point, you didn’t know what hurt most: what he said to you or the heart that was breaking inside your chest.

The sob of your heartbreak broke through your lips once the door closed; your knees felt weak, your world was spinning and before long, you were face first on your bed, crying like hell into your duvet.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

For what seemed like an eternity, you finally stopped crying and cleaned yourself up. You had a shower, washed your hair, put on your comfy jumper and leggings and settled in for a night binge watching Netflix with your favourite company - food.

Two series and one nap later, a quiet knock came from your bedroom door and started You out of your post-sleep haze.

“Yes?” You spoke out in a grumble and looked to the door bleary-eyed. It wasn’t until the sight of Steve slipping through the opening he made you woke up entirely and without warning, you lobbed the remote that sat next to you at him, hitting him square on the forehead pretty fiercely.

“What was that for?” He yelped out and held his head cautiously. You watched a long dirty blonde lock fall out of his hair and scowled at - why did he have to be this perfect yet so infuriating at the same time?

You’d never know.

You rolled your eyes and sat up straight in the bed, you sweater sliding down a shoulder due to its size.

“I don’t know Steve, why did I throw the remote at you?” You snapped at the soldier and waited for a response but to your misfortune, none came and he only looked to the ground in shame.

“Cat got your tongue now, hm? Where was the cat earlier Steve?” You snapped again and looked away from him in a disgusted manner only you could master.

“Y/N, I didn’t mean any of what I said..i—it just came over me I didn’t-“

“Don’t say you didn’t know you said what you said Steven. Because you and me both know that to be lie.” You deadpanned your voice to look at the teary-eyed Captain. You didn’t know what it was, but swing him like this - disheveled, ghostly pale and on the verge of breaking down - made you heart break for the man.

You sighed tiredly and pointed to the end of the bed. “C’mere,” You grumbled and he complied, sitting at the edge of the bed. The anger that boiled within you had now dissolved to the shared sadness you both shared right now, regret laced the air and hung heavily around you two.

With a sniff, Steve looked to you and smiled sadly at you. “Earlier on, y—you said you loved me...was that true?” His voice broke at the end of the sentence and pained you from the inside out.

How were you gonna get round this?

Yes, you said that but what would it do now?

Would it just be an excuse for not giving an apology?

No - that’s not Steve’s style, or was it?

“I did, yeah.” you said nonchalantly and liked down to your lap in embarrassment, ‘so much for overthinking it Y/N..’ you thought to yourself.

Before your mind could register it, Steve had wrapped his arms around your torso and had you pressed back into your mountain of pillows, his torso almost lying on top of yours.

Before you could act on what he just did, sobs very similar to your own earlier escaped through his lips. Steve was full on crying into your neck, a rarity seen by maybe Bucky and nobody else. “Oh god Y/n..I’m so so sorry..” he wept his words into your wet neck and made the tears you thought had ceased to exist resurface again.

“I should..I shouldn’t have said wha—what I said—at all—all I ever want—to do—i—is to keep you sa—safe..” your mind froze up at his words. All the pieces of this intricate puzzle were finally coming together to form the final product - but there was only piece missing; Why was he really was trying to keep you safe?

“Why thought Steve? I—I can handle it myself c—can’t I?” You wept quietly as he rose to look at you from your neck, your face mere inches away from each other.

“No Y/N,” he laughed sadly and wiped away your tears with his thumb. “It’s because..I love you,” Steve smiled warmly at you, tears continuing to roll down his cheeks and land freely onto yours. You couldn’t help but mirror Steve’s smile and gaze into those nearing eyes.

His bearded face grew closer and closer to yours but you didn’t reject him instead you wound your arms around his shoulders and neck and pulled him into you, your salty lips meeting in a tender warm kiss.

Your lips moved together with such synchronisation someone could easily see it and believe it to be fake but you didn’t care, to you it seemed like your lips were built for each other. Two puzzle pieces sliding together to perfection.

“God I love you,” he kissed your jaw tenderly. “So,” then your neck, “so,” then your collarbone, “much,” and then back to your neck, where he sucked on the place he just kissed with a hunger you’d never seen before.

“I..I need..” Steve heaved into the crook of your neck much to your delight. “What do you need Steve?” You sighed softly and played with his long blonde strands in a tender manner only reserved for one person.

“I need to feel you...everywhere..” a giddy smile broke out along your lips once you understood what he was telling you.

If it wasn’t now, when would you have this chance again?

In compliance to Steve, you placed your hands on either cheek and kissed him like you were starved of him and gave him your answer.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-

After a long long night in each other’s arms, you finally stirred when the morning sunlight drifted onto your eyes and made you dig your face into the crook of Steve’s neck with a groan. A soft chuckle left Steve’s mouth at your adorable action, he smiled dreamily and continued ghosting his hand up and down your bare back, allowing one hand to rest above his head.

“G’mornin’,” Steve yawned and scratched his beard lazily. You mumbled a ‘good morning’ in response and drew lazy patterns around his pecs that were lightly dusted with freckles and dark blonde hairs.

A thought fleeted through your mind as you lay on top of Steve and as much as you tried to ignore it you jut couldn’t stand it.

“Hey Steve..y’know after last night..” you motioned with your hand to your steamy night together with your hand “w-what are we?” You spoke in a hushed tone similar to a sinner confessing in church.

For a minute or so, Steve was quiet and then hummed in question. “Well, call me old-fashioned but considering we confessed our love for each other and made love all night long,” he spoke with a slight tease in his deep morning voice, making you hit his chest in sheer embarrassment.

“How about a couple?” He smiled teasingly at you when you rose your head to look him dead in the eye. You thought he was joking or just having a laugh with you but the look in those beautiful blue eyes told you, he wasn’t joking at all.

Instead of agreeing, you quickly slid your arms around his neck, planted your lips on his and engaged in a passionate makeout session. When the time came to breath, you pulled away and was quick to snuggle yourself back into the crook of his neck. “I think I’d like that a lot,” You smiled carelessly.

“Next time you two go at it like animals, try not to do it next door to me!” Yelled a seemingly irritated Bucky from the wall on the other side of the bed. Both you and Steve looked at each other and let out a shared hearty laugh that Bucky could also - most probably - hear.

“Sorry Bucky!”

“Sorry pal!”

“You better be...goddamn lovebirds.”

Taglist : @patzammit

#chris evans #steve rogers #captain america #queued bby #steve rogers x reader #chris evans x reader #steve rogers fluff #bearded steve rogers #steve rogers smut #steve rogers headcanon #steve rogers oneshot #steve rogers imagine #captain america x reader

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