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#idk why my brain is treating it like the worst thing ever

heartpascal · 1 year

Text

is it freedom?

▹— spiderverse (future) found family x platonic!reader

▹— summary: after losing everything, you struggle to accept the one thing you needed all along.

▹— a/n: ok i have been enabled by exactly two (2!) people. (thank you both) SO dare i start a spiderverse series??? IF YALL WANT MORE OF THIS… I WILL DO IT. this is really just a set up thing idk but i feel like arachnid has potential for further parts and ACTUAL found family!! also haven’t tagged people on my general taglist bc idk if you guys want to be tagged in ALL works or just all pedro works :(

▹— warnings: slight across the spiderverse spoilers, not really found family yet, injuries, blood, treating own injuries, stitches, fighting (canon-typical violence yall), dead parents (mentioned a LOT), a whole lot of angst (it’s a spider-person so what do we expect), reader has a whole lot of bad thoughts, loneliness, isolation

masterlist PART TWO

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

Had you known what this, this thing, would lead to, you would have never started it. Not that you had done so purposely, at least to begin with, more so happening as an event of pure chance. You were in the right place at the right time, and since then, you had been addicted.

But if you could go back, look at yourself just a year younger than you are now, tell that kid what would come if you went through with saving a life for the first time, you wondered. It was a question that scratched deep in your brain, sending you off balance the more you thought about it; would you have still done it? Would you have saved that person’s life, knowing it would lead to your own falling apart?

You would like to think yes. In fact, you know that back then, when your eyes were bright at the prospect of helping people, when you still marvelled at the world like it was good, you would have been certain that it would be worth it. Why should that person die, just to save you? It’s a harrowing realisation. A conclusion that makes your fingers tremble, your voice shake. Now, you’re not sure you would do it. You don’t think you could bear to face that decision knowing what you know of the world around you now.

It’s something cruel, really, that the spider that bit you gave you these powers, and nothing to go back and fix your mistakes. Your perceived victories. Your losses.

But the worst has already happened, and the only one left to die is you, so you carry on. You don the suit every day, you sew up your own injuries on the top floor of the abandoned offices that you’ve claimed as your own. Each day, you wake when you choose, you sleep when you want to, and you work yourself down to your very bones with nobody to object.

The hollow feeling in your gut is a pain you have no choice to ignore, to smother with assurances that this is freedom. What else could it be? You do whatever you so please, you spend your time swinging through the streets of New York rather than doing schoolwork at home, you eat all the junk you could ever have wanted.

It’s freedom. It has to be.

You tell yourself that you don’t miss the home part of having to do schoolwork, promise your heart that you don’t miss home-cooked meals as opposed to greasy food that leaves you unsatisfied. You swear that you like having nobody to tell you what to do. There’s no other choice, after all.

And each day, when you spend a little bit longer out on the streets, getting yourself into needless fights that the police could certainly handle, you tell yourself it’s because you’re protecting the city. You convince yourself that it’s not because of having an unending rage to satiate, or a permanent feeling of breathlessness when you leave police to handle anything, as if you could relive the moment your father, the captain, was left to handle something he couldn’t.

So, you’re almost relieved by the appearance of something… strange. Something dangerous. This is what you live for — this is your job.

You crouch against the wall, fingers splayed and suit itching where you had crudely sewn it back together across your ribs at an almost too-close call. You hold your breath, you watch. The lenses over your eyes shield your sensitive sight from the harshest colours of this new opponent, who looks almost… unreal. Too different to be a part of reality. He yells out, seemingly glitching? A distorted scream of what is apparently pain, accompanied by flashes of colour that are unfamiliar to you.

“Well, that doesn’t look good.” You comment, eyebrows raised beneath your mask, and the strange looking guy snaps his head towards you, long hair slapping across the goggles over his eyes. He bares his teeth at you, something almost resembling a grin marring his face.

“Spider-man!” He yells triumphantly, cackling as he wipes the hair away from his face, tendrils unfurling from behind his back and lifting him into the air.

“Not quite!” You call back, dodging below the metallic arm that shoots towards where your head was, crumbling through the wall. You try to think back to the jokes you used to tell to rile up whoever you were facing, but find your mind is blank. Instead, all you can think of is questions. “Where the hell did you come from, anyway?”

The man follows you as you spring from wall to wall, heading towards the center of the building where it tunnels up for about forty floors, balconies overlooking the fountain below. “A new spider, eh? Well I’ll take you down just as easily as I have the other!” He tells you, though you’re immediately suspicious of his statement. You’re the only Spider-related hero around, and even if you weren’t, you doubt this guy could squash a worm, let alone you.

“Sure thing, man.” You say, sighing, already exhausted by the repetitiveness that comes with every fight. Your opponents always say they’ll beat you, kill you, squish you, take you down, and yet you always get back up at the end of the fight, and they always remain defeated. When you started doing this, you never would have thought you’d get so tired from winning all the time.

And yet here you are, slipping further and further up the building with the octopus-looking guy chasing after you, metal arms crumbling walls and bannisters on his way up. He falters once more, another one of those glitch-like movements sending him down a few floors, but he’s quick to recover. Of course, it wouldn’t be that easy.

You crouch down on one balcony, somewhere around the thirty mark floor-wise, peering down at the guy as he shakes lingering pain from his body. He charges upwards, aiming to reach you quickly with an almost predatory smirk on his face. Before he can even get close to you, however, you’re back on the move, setting a trap for him that he doesn’t even seem to notice.

It’s only when a group of late workers emerge on what you’re pretty sure is the twenty-first floor that you become more anxious about this fight. You don’t like when civilians are involved.

There’s about a dozen of them crowding the balcony, looking up to where you’re facing off with octopus-man above, some having begun to descend the stairs to the next floor before catching on to your presence. You try not to draw attention to them, but their pointing and whispering sets the Spidey-sense off, ringing loudly between your ears, almost deafening in its intensity. Maybe you underestimated this guy. The flash of a camera sends the last hope of him not noticing down the drain, and he grins at you as he switches targets, climbing down towards them with some semblance of caution.

You’re much faster than he is, dropping down and using a web to catch yourself rather than having to climb. It’s hard to stop yourself from yelling at them, cursing them out for being so damn foolish — who in their right mind would stick around a very dangerous fight to take pictures?

Instead, you choose to yell, “Get out! Go, go, go.” And usher them down the stairs, but it’s not difficult to realise that this guy is going to get to them before they manage to descend to the bottom. You shouldn’t be surprised, really. Nothing is ever as simple as it could be, not for you.

The split second decision to drop down and form a net-like web low enough to catch the workers worked out for you in the end, as you swung back up and pushed the workers off of the balcony and stairway just as the octopus man was reaching them. He cursed at you, refocusing his efforts on you as you vaguely noted the workers clambering down after their screaming had stopped. Honestly — did people really have so little faith in you? Had you ever sent anybody to their death before?

“You are just as pesky of an insect as Spider-man!” He growled out, teeth gritted, and came after you with renewed force. He kind of reminded you of that doctor you faced not long after getting your powers, but this guy looked completely different. The doctor you faced — aptly named Doc Ock — had turned himself into some form of a mutant, he had reinforced tentacles which sprouted from his back. Was this guy some kind of copy cat? Maybe he was just delusional.

“I don’t know who Spider-man is, man!” You shout to him as you ascend the building again, trying to figure out the best way to take this guy down. His tentacles seem electronic, so surely you could disable whatever machinery resides on his back?

“That’d be me.” A voice came from above you, two floors ahead of your position. Your head snapped towards it, seeing a man in a blue and red suit, framed by a burst of orange behind him. He didn’t linger up there long, instead moving to leap down to the guy who had turned his attention to the new guy. The closer you looked at this new guy, the more similarities you saw to yourself — his webs looked remarkably similar to your own, the pattern that went across his suit matched your own, even the wide white lenses that shielded your eyes on your mask. Who the hell was this guy?

The octopus man grinned widely, shaking greasy hair from his face. “Ah, finally! The real Spider-man. Got yourself a new protégé, I see.” He drawled, dodging this new guy’s hit straight off of the bat. You tried not to get annoyed at being referred to as a protégé, considering as far as you were aware, you were the only Spider-person around. Where was this guy when you were holding a bridge full of civilians together? Where was he when you took down villain after villain, never once failing to get the guy? No — you were the real Spider-man, if anyone.

“I don’t know who you are, man, but I’m handling this just fine.” You call to the guy, swinging down to rejoin the fight, webbing the villain’s metal tentacles to the wall behind him, before dropping down to kick him towards the wall.

“Oh, so you know how to send this guy back to his own dimension?” Spider-man asks you, eyebrows raised beneath his mask, and as if on cue, the guy glitches once more, ripping his arms away from the wall and just about catching himself on a balcony below before he could fall into your net.

You gape at the new guy, glancing back up to where the burst of orange remains opened, and is that a portal? Is this Spider-man from another dimension? Is that why you’ve never heard of him before? God, if your mother was alive, she’d kill to find out about this. Inter-dimensional travel was something she had spent her life researching. If you didn’t remain so bitter toward her even after her death, you might’ve been sad she wasn’t alive to see this.

But you were bitter, and it made the experience all the worse.

Because you’re pretty sure that that bitterness takes the place of grief within you. It’s hard to understand why you crave to feel that pain, that grief, as opposed to the aching resentment that floods you with the thought of her. It’s such a sharp contrast to thinking of your father, your kind father, the man who threw himself into a battle he couldn’t have hoped to survive, just on the off chance he could save somebody. You hope you take after him.

“Wait— you’re from another dimension?” You question anyway, eyes flickering between the battle and the looming portal above. In fact, you’re so distracted by finding out about that tidbit of information that you miss octopus man aim a tentacle for you, and it snatches you around the ankle. “Oh, you gotta be kidding me—!”

The man waves you around like some kind of rag doll, and you try not to be too bitter about being caught off guard. You should probably learn that getting caught up in your little pity party always ends up badly, always distracts you from that renowned Spidey-sense. You formulate a plan in your mind when the drip of blood around your ankle draws your attention back to the battle at hand.

You web the wall opposite and hold on tight, pausing the movements and letting the dizziness that had come over you fade away. The man growls out in annoyance, and gets closer to cut the webs with another tentacle, which is exactly what you planned for. The tension from the webs launches you towards him when you let go, and in his surprise, the metal tentacle releases you. You wrap around him, and start webbing up the machinery embedded in his back as Spider-man distracts most of the tentacles, keeping them from pulling you off.

His tentacles start faltering, clearly not obeying his movements, and you wrap them up where they emerge from his back, continuing along until the movement is so limited that he has to use them all to clutch onto the nearest balcony.

You crawl up the tentacles in the very same spidery manner that you’re known for, and crouch, watching the octopus man struggle as Spider-man observes from the balcony opposite. “You wanna finish this one off, Spider-man?” You ask, unable to hide any bitterness from your tone at his mostly unhelpful actions throughout the battle.

“Hey, not bad!” He praises, and it annoys you. You’re good at what you do — for the most part. You manage without help constantly, and that’s the way you prefer it. “You’d make a good addition to the Spider Society!”

Now, you don’t know what the Spider Society is. But honestly? You don’t care. You don’t need help, and you prefer working alone, and you certainly don’t like feeling patronised.

“Whatever, man. Just send him back to whatever dimension he came from.” You tell the guy, and drop down as you hear sirens outside, landing on your injured ankle and just about stopping yourself from cursing. Through all the adrenaline and fighting, you’d forgotten about the way the metal had ripped into your skin, drawn blood. It’s just be another place you’d have to sew up your suit with itchy, uneven stitching. “Officers,” You greet as they open the doors, guns drawn, radios murmuring. “All taken care of. Civilians okay?”

“Shaken up, but fine.” The leading police officer says, immediately relaxing and holstering his weapon. You wish it reassured you that the police trusted you now, but it didn’t. Nonetheless, the other officers follow suit. “Thank you, Arachnid.”

The name your world has bestowed upon you has yet to grow on you, but you nod your head regardless, and salute them as you make your way out, swinging across the city, trying to put the existence of the multiverse and inter-dimensional travel out of your mind. Surprisingly, it’s pretty easy when you have a busted ankle to fix up.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

You’re halfway through stitching up your suit, having already sewn your skin back together with as much skill as you possessed in the matter — which was, not much. But the bleeding has stopped, and your stupidly slow healing will take care of it within a few days. You know that the itchy stitches on your suit will just irritate the injury, and though you wouldn’t lose anything if your identity was revealed, it doesn’t feel right to go out into the city with any part of you on show.

No, you wear the suit for a reason. You keep every part of yourself covered because nobody can know it’s you underneath the suit. Not because you had anything to lose, no, you had already lost everything. It was because then you could never make a mistake, you would have to be absolutely perfect, flawless, to make up for the fact that it was you underneath the layer.

So, you settle with a sewn suit that will itch and make the stitches on your ankle sting.

However, when there’s a burst of orange across the room, you have no choice but to forgo the suit, to simply drop the needle and thread and hover your fingers over your web shooters. You wait, nervously, for some other villain to appear. You’re not sure if Spider-man appearing would be better or worse.

But when a foot steps through the portal, it’s nobody familiar. In fact, it’s a suit you have never seen before, made up of dark blues and bright reds, sharp edges and long claws. It’s… unnerving, and considering the silence coming from the person wearing it, you’re not entirely certain of what they’re here for.

A moment later and another person steps through, a woman, with bright yellow lenses across her eyes that filter her irises into an amber. She steps forward, standing beside the person who had stepped through first, and if she hadn’t showed up, you would’ve been tempted to attack. With that being said, you remain on edge, but there’s something… comforting about her presence. Like her presence softens the man’s jagged edges.

She says your name, and then adds, “Arachnid.”

You furrow your brows and curse as you glance back at the suit so crudely laid out on the floor. Still, it doesn’t explain how she knows your name. Was it an inter-dimensional thing?

“Spider-man told us about your work in capturing Doc Ock earlier.” She tells you, as if that explains their presence. You did what you were supposed to do, which was take out the bad guys. “We’re here to offer you a place in the Spider Society.”

You can’t help but wonder if this is some kind of good cop, bad cop thing. She presents an offer which doesn’t sound too bad, and then her sharp-edged companion presents all the drawbacks and the catches. They don’t seem like the type to take no for an answer, either way. You still don’t even know what this Spider Society was! Was it some kind of multi-dimensional cult?

“I already told Spider-man that I wasn’t interested in joining whatever cult you’ve got going on.” You practically hiss, though you didn’t exactly tell him in such blatant words. You were more dismissive earlier, so you’d have to be clear now.

“It’s not a cult,” The man speaks, voice harsh and sharp much like the blades that branch from his forearms. “We work to protect the multiverse from anomalies that threaten to destroy it.”

The woman glances at him in a way that you translate as being vaguely annoyed, like he wasn’t approaching you in the way she had wanted him to. “He means to say that it’s a big job, and we need all the help we can get.” She says, softer, but only in comparison to the man’s harshness. “Listen, kid, you’re good at what you do. We need that kind of talent.”

“You’ll have to find it somewhere else.” You say firmly, because why would you want to leave your universe? This was a lot to think about when you had only learned of the multiverse existing mere hours ago. Regardless, you weren’t about to abandon your city just to go across the multiverse to help other heroes who couldn’t keep a leash on their own villains.

The two of them shared a look, a mere glance, before the woman heaved a sigh. “Look,” She sighed, heavily, like whatever she was about to say was something she didn’t want to be voicing. “Before you make your choice, you should know, your Green Goblin is currently terrorising another universe.”

You couldn’t work out if this was some kind of recruitment tactic, or something. That just wasn’t possible. You had put Gwen Stacy in the highest security prison after all antidotes to her goblin-tech failed. She was stuck in there — permanently. There was no way she had gotten out, let alone gotten out to another universe.

…Right?

It’s hard not to think of the memories at the mention of her—Green Goblin, not Gwen Stacy. Never Gwen Stacy. You wonder if this is where your fear comes from, the terrifying fact that you are remembered only for your mistakes. Because before she was the Green Goblin, she was Gwen. She was everything to you. She was the sun you orbited, the stars that charted your path. And it hurts, it hurts that you can only remember the blood and the dust and the destruction when you think of her.

People aren’t born as monsters, are they?

Like the spider that bit you, that invertebrate that so many fear, it was born the way it was. It was born with those fang-lined maws, with those eight legs and dozens of eyes. It was made into the monster it became, artificially crafted to deliver a venom that changed you forever. But it wasn’t born that way.

Surely, Gwen wasn’t either. She was kind. You remember that about her. You can remember her soft hands that used to hold your own, the loud laughter that always ended in a snort when she laughed at her own jokes, the gentle eyes that stared into your very soul. But those eyes are the very same ones that let her see through your mask, let her see exactly where to hit you to make it hurt. Was that what she was born as? Or is that what she was made into? A killer. A monster.

“Show me.” You say, because what else could you possibly respond? If what they’re saying is true, if the Green Goblin is loose once more, then people will die.

You can’t let her get fresh blood on her hands. Not when somewhere, deep inside your chest, so far down it’s almost unreachable, you have hope for her. You have an innate desire to look for the best in her, even when the Gwen you knew was the first life that the Green Goblin took.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

If there’s one thing you’ve taken from being Arachnid, it’s to expect the unexpected. And you go through the orange portal after Jessica Drew and Miguel O’Hara with that exact mindset about you, staring at where an orange watch-like device is wrapped around your wrist.

It’s in your nature to be suspicious, and these people weren’t an exception to that.

In fact, their presence only heightened that behaviour. After all, what were you to expect from two Spider people, who supposedly came to you for your help?

You weren’t blind, you saw the aged lines of their faces the moment you got close enough to see them clearly, away from the dim lighting of the building. They were adults, adults who had clearly been doing this type of thing a lot longer than you had. You, who was barely bordering on adult, who had fought enough battles already to last a lifetime — so why would they need you?

It didn’t feel right.

And when this Miguel person summoned Lyla the moment you walked through the portal, it felt all the more wrong. She was a hologram of some kind, much higher tech than the kind of thing you saw on your earth. But then again, you had never really been in high tech labs back in your earth. Still, it unsettled you. “Lyla, get me the location of Green Goblin, Earth 5011.” He commanded, and they argued in hushed voices for a moment, before a wider hologram appeared, stamped at Earth 3899.

“How did she get to another universe?” You ask, then, because it doesn’t make sense, and you’re shaking underneath the thin material of your suit. You’re hyper aware of each drag of stitching against the wound on your leg, each patch of fabric you had sewn on in hopes of the suit lasting you just a little longer, because you didn’t have the resource to produce a new one.

“It’s an anomaly.” Jessica Drew tells you, her tone softer than you’d heard it, as if she was attempting to reassure you in some way.

It didn’t help. But how could it? The last time you had faced Gwen Stacy—Green Goblin— you had lost so much. It had been the beginning of the end of everything good in your life. The explosion she had caused at your mother’s laboratory was the very same one that killed her, the very same explosion that sent you and your dad miles apart all while living in the same home. And still, you found a way to hope that there was something to salvage within Gwen.

But not only had you lost your mother, and not long after — your father, you had also lost your closest friend. The one person you had confided in, who knew you from your surface to the deepest level, and she had used that against you the moment the Goblin had taken over.

It had taken everything in you to beat her, back then.

And that was on home turf! How did these people expect you to do that a second time, in a completely unfamiliar place?

“Specifics aren’t important right now. Jessica, you take Arachnid. Lyla, send another one of the teams.” Miguel instructed, dismissing your questions right off the bat. It was frustrating. They were leaving you completely in the dark, and sending you to fight the worst enemy you had ever faced, and they were sending you alongside others like you from different universes. It was like asking you to bare your soul in front of them, to reveal your secrets, your deepest regrets, everything that you wanted to stay buried.

You knew Green Goblin. You knew that’s exactly what she would do. She would undermine you, she would lay your life out in front of you like tiles on a scrabble board. In the end, none of it amounted to much.

Jessica Drew made her way out, glancing at you and nodding for you to follow along. Your moment of hesitation had drawn Miguel’s attention, and he called out to you after a moment of hesitation. “We’ve all faced one like it, kid. It’s easier with others.” He told you, though he held a pained expression on his face all the while. Instead of admitting to the way he had hit the nail right on the head, you simply nodded and followed after Spider-woman.

It was a whirlwind from there.

Meeting up with others. Travelling the length of the so-called Lobby to wherever it was that Jessica was taking you. When you finally arrived, she offered an empty glass box with a mannequin inside, bare. She gestured towards it like it should’ve been self explanatory, but soon realised she’d have to spell it out for you.

You shouldn’t have been so upset by the offer of a new suit.

But you were.

This suit was your life. You had nothing outside of it, not anymore. You couldn’t just throw it away, as if it meant nothing, as if every rip and patch and wonky stitch didn’t mean anything. These were proof that what you were doing was real, that it was worth something. Each stitch proved you had value. You weren’t about to throw all of that away, especially for whatever overly technical suit these people would provide.

You had everything you needed.

And so Jessica led you to the next destination: Earth 3899.

The moment you stepped through the portal, it was like you were hit with a wave of familiarity. And not in a positive, slightly nostalgic way, no— this was chaos. This was the state your world had been in when Green Goblin ran riot, unchecked. She had torn apart buildings, blown up parks, she had set New York City aflame. And she was doing exactly the same here.

It was more contained here than it had been on your earth, and you had to assume that was thanks to the Spider-man already on site, coordinating police, ambulance and fire responses to douse the fires as quickly as she set them. If only the police in your city had trusted you so much, back then.

“Where is she?” You ask, the moment you get close enough to speak to the resident Spider-man of the universe. He looks at you as if you’re familiar, but doesn’t comment, instead just pointing a finger toward a skyscraper just a short way ahead. You’re gone the moment he tells you where to go.

She had the uncanny ability to stay quiet. It had freaked you own back on your own earth, but it was even more terrifying here, where things were ever so slightly different.

“Arachnid.” Gwen’s voice called, and for a moment, you could forget. You could forget every horrible thing the Goblin had done, and you could remember your friend, your Gwen, who had called out to Arachnid more than once without knowing it was you behind the mask. Whether it was for a story or to provide information on your most recent opponent, the voice calling your alias was familiar. But then there was that crackle of laughter, an unnatural gurgle in the way it left her throat, and you turned to see the green-tinged pallor of her skin. “I was so hoping you’d show up.”

You didn’t know how much her appearance would effect you, until you were stuck to the side of the building, staring at what had once been your best friend. You’re so choked up that you can’t even formulate a response, because you want that to be Gwen so badly, but you know it isn’t. The more you look at her, the more Goblin you see, the more you know that the Gwen you love is never coming back.

“Nothing to say?” She asks, and then says your real name, the name she used to say down the crackle of a phone line, or across the school hallway, and she smiles. “I thought you’d be happy to see me.”

“You should’ve stayed in prison, Gwen.” You say, your voice unsteady as you say her name aloud for the first time in what must be forever. She seems to relish in the tremble of your voice, and you have to curse yourself for being so stupid, for already showing the vulnerability she was so easily able to pick out.

The Green Goblin tutted at you, stood atop her glider, but the smile you saw didn’t belong to Gwen. “You’re pathetically predictable, you know. You’re like a moth to the flame.” She tells you, and you fear that she’s right, that you’re the same person you were back when you fought her, back when she almost won. She sighs, like something heavy is weighing upon her, but it turns wistful in the blink of an eye. “I’m just glad your dad isn’t here to see this. He’d be so disappointed.”

“Arachnid, focus.” Jessica’s voice interrupts, before you can spiral down that rabbit hole. How did Gwen even know about your father? She was in prison long before he died. It didn’t make sense.

“Maybe,” You say, that familiar tremble around your words. “He did always hope for the best for you.”

She bares her teeth at your words, the only visible reaction before her mask is slipping over the bottom of her face, stretching out up to pointed ears, all metallic and tinted a murky green. Then, she’s attacking.

It’s muscle memory, mostly, you think.

If you don’t think too hard about it, it could be like playing a game with a longtime friend from your childhood. You know the moves to make, you know how she’ll respond. It’s a constant push and pull, a balance which leaves only destruction behind, the path of the Green Goblin’s wrath tangible in each battle scene the two of you leave behind. You can’t beat her like this.

It’s her glitching that gives you a slight upper hand — and you send her careening off of her glider to the ground below.

Your heart squeezes suddenly in your chest as you watch her fall, her eyes wide in what could almost be perceived as fear. If you didn’t intervene, would she die? Would you have put an end to her story, once and for all, when you secretly hope there’s a cure out there for her? You can’t bear the thought of finding out, of watching her die, and so you foolishly dive after her.

A web to her midsection allows you to grip her before she hits the ground, and you set her down with a far more gentle hand than you would ever admit.

She says your name, then, a whispered version of it that sounds like Gwen. You think you can see her in those wide blue eyes, in that stare, and you approach with some caution. “Gwen,” You say, more of a question, “You with me?”

“I’m with you,” She answers, as you reach her side, as you resist the urge to pull off your mask. You’re so preoccupied staring at her expression that you don’t see the blade until it’s too late, your Spidey-sense failing you as you wallowed in your search for someone who was gone. “You sweet, predictable bug.” She spits then, twisting the blade she had sunk deep into your side, and you writhe, trying to move away from her.

“Arachnid!” Jessica Drew calls out, drawing the Green Goblin’s attention, allowing you to pull away from her slackened grasp. You leave the blade where it is, knowing your only slightly enhanced healing wouldn’t make up for the onslaught of blood that would pour from the wound. “I think that’s enough, Green Goblin.” Jessica says, riding a motorbike that you swore she didn’t have earlier. Nonetheless, she uses it to put even more space between you and your villain.

“You need a hand, kid?” A new voice asks, and a gloved hand reaches out for you where you had knelt against the tarmac. You look up, seeing a new Spider-man, but this one has his mask up, showing off his aged face and the bags underneath his eyes. You wave him off, staggering up to your feet, and clench your jaw as you stare at Green Goblin, watch as she pulls bombs from her waistband, barely the size of a chocolate bar, but capable of causing irreparable damage. “Get back to HQ, Arachnid, we can handle this.” Spider-man tells you, in what you suspect to be a fatherly voice, but you ignore him.

Time flies, slips out of your grasp, and you don’t know how long you and the others spend fighting Green Goblin, but she proves to be just as difficult of a foe for them to face as she was for you. Each time the three of you manage to get the drop on her, she slips away before she could be caught. It’s frustrating, and you can even see the way irritation thickens in the air, tangible.

Spider-man, or Peter, as Jessica had called him, is with you, focusing on trying to take Green Goblin down, whilst Jessica Drew is focused on damage control, blowing up Gwen’s bombs before they could hit their intended targets. You’re pretty sure the resident Spider-man is around here, too, pulling any lingering citizens out of harms way before Green Goblin could end them. You’d admit, it works better than you had done alone back on your own earth.

But it doesn’t work well enough, and more than one building is damaged almost beyond repair, and in the dust and rubble, Peter was distracted by the few citizens poking their heads out of the gaping hole in the side of their apartments. He didn’t see Green Goblin coming until it was too late, until she had thrown two of her bombs, one towards him, and one towards the already wrecked building.

Your throat dries up as you try to figure out what to do, who to go for, but in the end, you don’t have to choose.

Beams of glowing orange webs shoot into the bombs where they arc towards their victims, blowing them up and leaving both Peter and the civilians in the apartments without a scratch on any of them. Well, nothing that wasn’t already there before. You see him then, running alongside Jessica Drew, none other than Miguel O’Hara — who clearly didn’t think that the three of you were capable of handling Green Goblin.

“We’ve gotta end this.” Peter tells the three of you, glaring over at Green Goblin after coming so close to one of her bombs.

“You distract, I’ll go in.” You say, the only plan that makes sense. The only plan that’ll work. You wouldn’t be much use as a distraction, not with the blood still pooling around the blade hanging from your side, but you could beat her. You knew you could.

Peter nodded, and he, Jessica and Miguel went in one after another, landing hits on Green Goblin before she could even think to withdraw another bomb, or land a hit of her own, whilst you made your way behind her, swinging as high as you dared to go in your state. She was getting angry, you could tell, a distinct flush rushing up the back of her neck, a tell that Green Goblin shared with Gwen.

It was only when she was starting to turn the tide that you jumped down from your spot against the side of a building, looking for your opening.

She sent Jessica Drew tumbling off of her motorbike, which was your chance.

Green Goblin heard you only a moment before you were on her, not giving her a chance to make a countermove. Instead, you were curling your arms around her, as tight as you could, holding her hands away from her waistband. You gripped the blade in your side and yanked it out, holding it to her chest, breathing heavily through the pain as you bared your teeth at her, her face beside your own.

“Don’t make me kill you.” You say, and try not to hear the pleading in your own voice, the distinctive tone of a beg. You may have the upper hand on her, but as always, she had the power. “Don’t.” You repeat, because you can feel it in your bones that you would do it. If it was the choice between her or the hundreds that she would kill on this world, it would be those hundreds. There was no doubt about it, no questions to be asked.

You may have resented your mother, but she wasn’t the only one who died because of the Green Goblin. You wouldn’t let that happen again.

Perhaps she heard the plea in your voice, the giveaway that you weren’t bluffing, because she went still in your arms, still enough for the other Spiders to approach with some caution, eyes on her hands where you held them away from any weapons, using your forearm connected to the hand holding the blade to her chest to keep her left hand from grasping anything.

“I won’t be asking again.” You tell her, which is as much of a threat as you can muster. Or, more so, a promise.

As Miguel pushed you back with a firm hand, throwing a machine at Gwen’s feet, you think she understands. If the two of you are ever in that position again, there will be no hesitation about it. You will kill her.

“Good work, kid.” Peter says as Miguel and Jessica get to work with getting your Green Goblin through a portal to the HQ. He glanced down at where your hand is now pressing into your side, blood pouring steadily. In your other hand, you still hold the blade that had pierced your own skin, that would have killed Gwen Stacy had she not surrendered. He winces as if it’s him who got hurt, and guides you through the portal after the others. “C’mon, we’ll get you checked out. You not got enhanced healing?” He asks, though you suspect he doesn’t expect you to answer, and you’re glad.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

“I can do this myself, you know.” You sigh, wincing as a Spider-man — who apparently is also a doctor and works in the Spider Society’s infirmary — stitches up the wound on your midsection. It’s uncomfortable, though less painful that when you do it yourself. Still, it’s uncomfortable to accept help from these strangers.

“Ooh, shouldn’t say that to him.” Peter B. Parker laughs, one of the many Peter Parkers of the Society, but the same one who had fought Green Goblin with you. “He’ll lecture you on proper healthcare for days if you give him the opportunity!”

The Spider-doctor glares at Peter, or you assume he does, from the slight squint of the lenses of his mask. He kisses his teeth under the mask, tutting, muttering about “Spiders and their complete disregard for their health. Lucky you haven’t died ten times over from infections.” But he doesn’t say anything that requires a response from you, and he soon finished up the stitches. He goes to offer to fix up the injury on your ankle, but you’re up on your feet before he can even get the words out.

“Now, I gotta get back home to the wife, but Miguel wants to see you. He’ll take you home,” Peter tells you as he walks out of the infirmary by your side, but he stops you in the hallway with a hand on your shoulder, surprisingly gentle. “If that’s what you want.”

Your eyebrows furrowed before you could stop them, and the confusion over his words must’ve been written all over your face.

“Why wouldn’t I want that?” You ask, defensively.

Peter opens his mouth, but nothing escapes. Instead, it’s his expression that tells you everything he’s thinking. The crease between his brows screams pitying, or sympathetic. He’s talking about the way you live back on your earth, about the life you lead, Arachnid by day, and by night. With no room for you, no room for your secret identity. He’s thinking of the way you’ll be returning to a world with nobody awaiting you, with not a soul to look out for you, to stitch you up after a battle. Nobody but yourself, anyway.

You pull away from him, brows furrowing further, into an almost angered expression, and you don’t watch the way his hand falls away from your shoulder back to his side. He sighs when you turn away, scoffing as you make your way through the hallways of the Lobby towards where you think Miguel will be.

It’s overwhelming, all of these people. They all believe that they know you, that they know your circumstances, your story, but the truth is that they don’t. Nobody does, and that’s the way you prefer it. You don’t need a Society of Spiders surrounding you, breathing down your neck, telling you they’re sorry, or not trusting you to handle yourself in your own fights, because you can handle yourself. You’ve spent the last year of your life trying to prove that, trying to prove that you can do good things, that you’re worthy of the title Arachnid. You certainly shouldn’t need to prove that to a whole Society of people like you, most of which had been doing the job a lot longer.

You’re capable and you’re content.

You don’t need a life as your secret identity to be content, in fact, it’s better without one. You don’t have to tell so many lies, don’t have to worry about hurting the people you love, because there are none of them left. There’s nobody to hurt, and there’s nobody to lie to. Why would you want to change that?

The hallway ahead looks familiar, and you follow it until you enter a room where Miguel stands, looking at orange tinted screens on a platform halfway up the room. You enter with the absolute certainty that you want to return to your own earth, and you’re not going to let anybody stop you.

“I’m ready.” You tell him, expectantly.

He scoffs, saying nothing, still staring at the screens in front of him. For whatever reason, the reaction makes you angry — inexplicably so. You’re slinging up to the platform before you can have a second thought about it, and you’re pushing his shoulder so he’ll face you, so he’ll acknowledge you.

He stares at you, unimpressed.

“Send me back to my earth.” You press, brows furrowed beneath your mask, but you’re sure he can see the anger in the way your shoulders tense up.

“Sure,” Miguel said blankly, staring at you as if you’d suddenly change your mind or something. “But you know, there’s a lot more like her.” He added on when you said nothing, waiting for him to send you back to your world so you could give him back the stupid watch still wrapped around your wrist.

You stared at him like he was speaking a foreign language. “There are no more like her.” You respond, feeling that hot press on your chest. You don’t want to talk about Gwen Stacy anymore than you’re sure he’d like to talk about whatever he had gone through in his life. Hell, you don’t even want to think about her, but you know that nobody else you would ever have to face would hurt you in the way that she did. In the way that having to see her as an enemy, rather than your friend, had hurt. So, yeah, there was nobody like her, not for you.

Miguel seems ready to let you go for a moment, but then he’s shaking his head at you. “You have a place here. You can be with people like you. You don’t have to do this alone, anymore.” He says, and you think that is ironic, because you don’t see anybody else in here. To you, it seems like he is doing exactly that; doing the job alone. You can practically see the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“I prefer being alone.” You tell him, and it has to be true. It has to be.

His jaw sets, acceptance, you think, and he nods. He glances past you, to where a portal was open on the floor below. Considering that you hadn’t seen him set up the portal, you’d wager that his AI Lyla must’ve listened in and done it for him. You pull the watch off of your wrist, relishing in the way your very atoms seem to sag with the weight of being in another dimension.

“Thanks.” You say, and drop down, landing on your sore ankle but not murmuring a word about the pain. You walk back to your world with your head held high, despite your tattered suit and multitude of wounds that would take days to stop hurting.

Miguel stares after you as the portal closes, eyebrows furrowed. He barely acknowledges Jessica Drew’s arrival in the room, already having known she had been lingering in the hallway, listening in. “Well, that went well.” She comments, glancing between where the portal had been and where Miguel stands, brooding. She knows how much pressure he puts on himself, and she knows that he cares about each and every Spider-person in the multiverse. It doesn’t take a Spider-sense to see the way in which you struggle. It’s a familiar struggle, sure, but there were so many Spiders across the multiverse who had a shoulder to lean on in their hardest times. Who did you have? There was no Aunt May for Arachnid, or Gwen Stacy, or Harry Osborne, or, well, anybody.

Jessica thinks that if anybody were to know exactly how that felt, it would be Miguel.

#heartpascal writes #across the spiderverse spoilers #atsv spoilers #spiderman atsv spoilers #miguel o’hara x reader #miguel o’hara x you #miguel o’hara x platonic reader #jessica drew x platonic reader #peter b parker x platonic reader #peter b parker x reader #spiderverse x reader #spiderverse x platonic reader #spiderverse x you #spiderverse imagines #spiderverse one shot #spiderverse imagine #spiderverse angst #miguel o’hara angst #struggling idk how to tag with a new fandom shhh

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gingersp1ce547 · 1 month

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ok it’s jojoever i have brainrot now i need to assign stands to every qsmp eggs

ramon : Killer Queen - bombs + cat what more do i need to say

Chayanne : Pearl Jam - Just making extremely good food

Tallulah : Hermit Purple - Thorns design that reminds of Rose

Leo : Purple Haze - Color matches + rabid dog vibes

Sunny : Emerald green - using jewels to fight is perfect for her

Empanada : Paisley Park - don’t have an explanation, em just gives me yasuho vibes

Pepito : Bohemian Rhapsody - go make spider-man real king

Dapper : Gold experience - gruesomely killing your enemies with your knowledge of living creatures is such a dapper thing

Pomme : Sex Pistols - go my little sniper queen

Richas : Heaven’s door - Perfect for an artist with a taste for fofoca

Dude i saw the word sex pistols in the context of stands my brain went “part 5? PART 5!” Like a dog hearing its name being called so im more than happy to brain rot with you bout all of this!

-killer queen is so perfect for ramon. If he had it during the election arc, fit would have to have stopped him form making foolish a speck of ash on the floor after he arrested tazercraft

-chays fits so well from a symbolic, “stands are a reflection of ones soul” perspective too. Like even though he’s a warrior, at heart he the main thing he cares about is taking care of his family though both physical protection and just general wellbeing. Such a good pick for him

-Hermit purple is such a good pick with tallulah. Im imagining phil sighing as he pulls out another camera for her to destroy before they eventually start having super cheap ones on hand for that exact purpose

-Listen i see purple haze for leo, i get it i can see the vision. But my fugo loving brain refuses to let go of what purple haze means for him as a stand symbolically and wants to give it to q!cellbit EVEN THOUGH WERE ONLY TALKING ABOUT THE EGGS.

Anyways in context of only assigning stands to the eggs 100% i think she should get out purple haze, but if were talking about everyone i also think born this way would be a really good fit for her and i cant quite explain why outside of the vibes just mathcing in my head

-sunny would so be besties with emerald green. Like tubbo would have to not only give sunny stuff but also it. I can totally see her giving it a nickname and its own room and stuff

-Your so right about empanda having yasuho vibes. Something about the crypticness of the power of paisley park coupled with all the shit both the characters have been though mashes really well together

- Bohemian rhapsody is so fucking funny for pepito. Especially because like idk if youve ever read any jojo’s fanfics but theirs this really good one called chimera were long story short the ascended version of dio from eyes over heaven goes to another universe and just fucks with the dio their by basically forcing him on a part jumping self-betterment arc? Anyways during it the author had the reason ungalo’s life became so shit was because he accidentally used his stand to make the story of holes come true with him acting as the main character and now every tine i think about that stand i cant not think of that.

But anyways him and roier would abuse the fuck out of his stand and it would in fact be hilarious

-As a giorno lover, dapper is so giorno coded. He would be so fucking unstoppable with that stand even without it being its requiem version. I can so see him using it to fuck with his dad for funnsies too.

-Pomme would be so sweet to the pistols too, she would make sure they get the best treats. I think at first she would struggle with keeping them in line but with etoiles help she would be the perfect balance of stern and sweet.

-richas with heavens door would be the absolute worst. Like the biggest menace ever. He would use it on his parents to make it so they could never give him a bath again and then they would have to find a work around for what doesnt count as bath but still technically got him clean until their able to convince him to reverse it.

#qsmp #gingersp1ce547 #jo-qsmp-jo #<- the tag i have decided for all of these posts #pommunist tag

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duchessofostergotlands · 2 months

Note

Crying In Job Interviews Anon again!

Lolll I think your brain chose as good a time as any to decide to cry in that situation so you could play it off as a love of helping people SO MUCH!!!! 😭 Presentations are so intimidating too. Super impressive you got interviewed for a position like that imo, and I have no doubt you could've done the job! And trust you to get a little bit of royal gossip while you were there too, even if it was only relevant in hindsight 😂

Probably the worst time I cried was when I got to the final stage of applying for a graduate scheme for a big regulatory organisation (I'm in the UK too). I'd been through I think three or four stages before getting to the last bit, an all day thing split into three parts. Of course I got stuck with the proper interview in the first rotation, and totally fucked it. At that point I thought it was my dream job, and I guess I still do idk. I had to travel super far to London and stay over and everything, so having the interview first thing was my worst case scenario and the pressure overwhelmed me, as it always does. And I cried. And accidentally insulted one of the interviewers I think? It went so badly I knew there was no point in me doing the other two exercises throughout the rest of the day, but I couldn't just *leave*. I was mortified for HOURS, knowing I had no chance no matter how well I did in the group/knowledge stuff.

I wish I could say there's a happy ending, but several years later I'm stuck in a crap office job with no direction 🙃

Anyway. Idk why I'm telling you all this, feel free to delete 😅 I don't think I've ever vented properly about that experience and your ask box just happened to be here, sorry 😅

Sorry it took a while to get to this! I was incredibly lucky that my eyes decided to fail and let the tears go at the moment they asked me a personal question so I could sort of style it out but I didn't get the job lol. Oh and yes, I took a picture of the reception of the Royal Foundation just in case (it had a Union Jack chair - so on brand - and a copy of Meghan's cookbook).

I totally relate to what you've said. I think there's two things that we both had: some other kind of stress so we were already going into the meeting on edge, and the feeling of being trapped. To be fair, it worked in my favour because I would have left the interview for my current job as I thought I'd bombed it, and then it turned out I got offered it without any more interviews hahaha. So sometimes we're completely off the mark about how we've done. I think the older I've gotten the more I've realised it's a job. It used to be a huge part of my identity but as long as I can pay my bills and it's not somewhere where they treat me terribly, then I could do a lot worse! Not that that's very comforting, I'm sure haha.

#ask #anon #non royal #work #working #personal #oh and on insulting people #I told the Duke of Kent's daughter in law the monarchy isn't relevant to modern society in my Cambridge interview

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twiggyart6 · 3 months

Text

collecting short funny things to write under fanart of characters you really love

please feel free to add more thank you :3

(this is long as shit be prepared)

ough

looking at them

my friend :)

mwehehe

augh

I can't believe this

brain blasted

what a little freak

do you even care

be so fucking for real

your kidding

what a weirdo

a wonderous creature

consider this

from my personal collection

what the

I'm so normal

I'm not normal

why are they like that

evil swag

TEEHEE

I'm gonna frow up

yeah this is pretty cool

pretty fucked up dog

have you seen this?

my beautiful princess

I'm ill

oh good heavens!

my son. he has every disease

this shit aint nothin to me man

I laurve them

yoink

just a little bit. as a treat

tell them to stop

me when I GET you

MY GUY

the psychic worm (wohwohwohwohw)

good lord

cuteness aggression towards them

what the fuck ever

im feeling something

sigh

me when the

GRRAAAHH

im fucking serious

love it when they appear

its becoming unhealthy

go white boy go!

your never gonna believe this

worst guy ive ever seen

their just so ... drawable

sorry guys

i saw it in a dream

she is very gorgeous to me!

i see them when i close my eyes

my little scrungle

be so fucking for real

i can do whatever i want

bitch

yeah

my baby girl

my little kitty meow meow

they've done something to me

i gotta get outa here

yep

my favorite white man

dude!?

full of joy a whimsy

going cray cray!

well....

erm

heyy gurl wasup

she is beuty she is grace

aaaaanything could happen

just like me fr

its time

yahoo!

divine retribution

yay!!

so was foretold in the prophecy

their so ... woah

yessir

god. fucking. damn.

they understand me

you are not immune to propaganda

Explodes character with mind

Forgive me

I would tell them my most depraved thoughts

for the win!

my treasure my beloved

awesome

oh yeah woo yeah

thats it thats the post

this above all else

-INHALE-

had to get it out of my system

you absolute baby buffoon

but make it epic

dont question it

gay baby jail

mwah <3

i want to make them into bread

no guys you don't get it

i got nervous

every fuckin time man

[puts face in hands and groans loudly]

no way

DONT DO THIS TO MEEEEE

take a deep breath

stupid little bow wow

cringeposting once again

abandon society, embrace insanity

god has let me draw another day

had to do it

changed my brain chemistry

so the thing is-

im going to make you so girlfail

pathetic wet cat

guys.

their neat idk

or something like that

ATTENTION!!

i have the disease and its terminal

shrimply amazing!

hits you with the beam

smile :)

send help

oh hi didn't see you there

no i will not elaborate

the creature is demonic in nature

i think there's something wrong with them

i think there's something wrong with me

its fine

woah woah woah

do you even realize what you've done

very cool

do you see my vision

whatever the fuck this is called

the strugler

interesting..

oh i got you dont worry

nobody move

character on the brain always and forever

#1 hater

funny you should say that

nature is healing

imagine a guy. now imagine them again

ooo mama

get drawn idiot

get obsessed over idiot

if only they were real

post this character instantly

your honor i need them

ive got some notes

A juicy morsel

I want to push them down the stairs

They wouldn’t dare

(Eyes wide and mouth frothing) yeah!

my beautiful wife <3

#text post

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beej-hunnicutt · 6 months

Text

The ending of m(two) is so interesting to me because Vito's continuous selfishness is part of the reason he is left with the unknown fate of Joe. Now, I am not doubting that Vito cares about Joe; aside from Leo that was the one person he continously looked out for. But it has never been equal. Joe had given Vito EVERYTHING. Vito never even tried to live the "normal life", he faced the real world at the Dock and gave up after the FIRST crate he had to carry and he used Joe's name to move him up in the world.

Joe had ALWAYS included Vito in everything he was doing. Joe even tried to keep up on the news when Vito was in war to make sure things were going okay for him. Time after time again you can tell his plans were made with the idea of Vito apart of them.

When is came to the final Leo and Vito talk to the Planetarium; it was never a question of "what about Joe?" It was only in this moment and what Vito had to do about issue. We found out Joe refused to kill Vito even though he would have been given everything he ever dreamed of. He threw away his dream because it wouldn't be worth it if he had to get rid of Vito. Vito never ONCE made sure to check on Joe's safety. Never tried to include him or stick his neck out for him. The one person the narrative had established he cared for a lot, be never ever thought about how to make sure Joe was also taken care for.

Now I don't hate Leo. I actually like him. I don't believe Leo ever had a reason to lie to Vito. I believe Leo liked Vito, saw something in him. I think if Vito mentioned Joe, there could have been a conversation. Not saying it'd necessarily fix anything but maybe some context, something. Because I do think it's important to remember Vito IS being punished still. Vito DID do bad in terms of their code; but he was lucky to have Leo looking out. So Vito still needed to be held accountable for what he has done, but maybe he could have gotten a little more closure.

But also, going to a different thing, kinda with Vito and how he handles things. Vito could have moved on; but he didn't. He decided to grow old and alone and act like he had the worst life. When that just isn't true at all. Vito was given nearly every opportunity he had ever gotten in the events of the game. I'm not saying he's bad at what he does, Leo saw something in him. But Vito doesn't try to succeed. Idk. I think it's utterly fascinating Vito deciding to say woe is me and say the world had never treated him well and let things stay and end like that. That's why I utterly LOVE his "I deserved better" speech when he's killed in m(three). Now I haven't seen this in awhile, so it's just the faint memory so I won't speak too much. But that line alone makes my brain just implode!!!! It's so good and it I think truly wraps up Vito as a character!!!

#(m.ii)#hiii i finished this game again :“)#like i tease him a lot but i think hes an interesting character!!!

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yanderefairyangel · 10 months

Text

Duality in Engage

Part 2 I suppose.

So the whole duality thing I mentionned is also serving the theme about family and bounds.

Lumera and Sombron are foiling each other.

I think I ai'nt saying anything dowright mind freaking do I ?

Lumera is in the Divine dragon/Good dragon tribe vs Sombron who is the Fell dragon/Bad dragon tribe.

Lumera (before the whole thing) seemed to have a healthy familial environemenet seeing how Elyos wasa peaceful world before Sombron arrived vs Sombron was deprived of his family as he is a war orphan rescape but his only bound was with 0 Emblem who was also the only survivng connection he had with his former world but when he made some connections with the people of Elyos, 0 Emblem left him and he went mad, went into a rampage, killing those villagers off and deciding to get back 0Emblem no matter what, even proceeding to kill all of Lumera's relative and friends since she was the only representant of her tribe before she turn Alear into one too.

Lumera's personality is : she is kind and benevolent. Even though she realized that Alear was a fell dragon, she still refused to kill them and instead decide to bound with them. vs Sombron's personality is : he is arrogan and prideful, he cares little for others if at all. His only objective is his obsession for 0Emblem

And of course, their personality explain their totally different way of treating their kids.

Lumera is a postive influence and a supportive parent unlike Sombron who I even hesistate to call a parent seeing that the only reason why you can say he is Veyle and Alear's father is because he is their progenitor and that's it. He just gave them life. Which makes it worst when you think about it.

Lumera took in Alear even though due to them being Sombron' s child they and their siblings might have killed some of Lumera's family member, probably showing them kindness due to their age since she calls Alear a child, and upon hearing that her simply checking on Alear and invinting them to a warm place was the kindest someone as ever been to Alear she is surprise and feel sorry for them, when Alear goes " kekkan, kekkan, kekkan" she immediately tells them to stop, that there is nothing defective about Alear and then suggest that they should simply see each other in secret.

Sombron however raised Alear and Veyle in the fear of being killed, that they should count on no one but themselves, that they should rely on strengh rather then connection in short... what he belives to be the right path since Sombron made it crystal clear that he belives power is everything, that he doesn't need anyone else and wants to show to Emblem of Foundation he was able to became the solitary powerful warrior he saw in them (idk what's Emblem 0's gender).

I think nothing shows better the fact they represent two very opposite way of parenting then Alear.

When Alear is Sombron's child, they cannot emote, it's like they turned off their brain, they act like a machine. For instance, when they talk with Lumera about how they have to kill them else they'd be deemed a defect, it's Lumera who suggest to keep it a secret, meaning Alear had no intention of keeping a secret the fact they would have allowed her to leave due to being so obdient and submissed to Sombron.

However, the same emotioneless Alear, when Lumera offered to meet them again with a "yubikiri genman", they offer a bright smile

Dawww

And as I mentionned in my post about how Engage's story is actually pretty dark to think about, there is also the cutscene of chapter 22 where you see Alear emoting, and speaking more gently then in chapter 24.

Those alone shows how Lumera's influence on Alear changed them and yes I am bringing this as an exemple but no the rest of the game because Alear still had all their memories and because I think it's more relevant.

Now let's see about Alear and Veyle.

Alear's name in jpn is Lueur/glow, Lumera is Lumière/light and Sombron is Sombre/dark. Alear's name already indicate they actually don't belong to Sombron because it's a mitsmatch, seeing how Sombron's name is an antonynom to Alear's name, whereas Lumera is a synonynom. But a glow is less bright then a light and can more easily be extinguished. And if you recall both Marth and Lumera said that even in the past despite being broken, Alear was actually as kind as they are in the rest of the game but due to being Sombron's child they were forced to repress their kind personality due to it being seen as weakness by Sombron, so in a sense, Alear was forced to repress themselves the light that radiated from them. However, when they are with Lumera, they are able to fully be themselves, therefore fufill themselves and blossom into a glow shining brighlty and even becoming light.

Veyle on the other hand has the same personality as her sibling, she is kind and innocent and a bit shy. Compared to Alear, who is dressed in black, Veyle wears a white outfit remniscent of white swan, an animal associated with purity. However, when Veyle switched to her dark personality, her outfit was black. Like Alear, Veyle's color's outfit shows that she isn't in the right environnement for her. It's only when she is allowed to leave it that, just like Alear, she is allowed to develop.

I also think it's quite within that theme that Lumera literally gives her life force to Alear to help them regenerate, keeping them alive at the cost of her own life expands whereas in the game Sombron is shown to asborb the life force of others/their blood to gain power himself. Lumera's literal giving her life for Alear both by accepting to shortens her life span so that they could live + her sacrificing her life is representiting the struggles of parents since they have to give their everything for their kids, working to feed them, clothed them, teach them etc. Whereas Sombron feeds on others but also on his kids to an extent using them as pawns, not hesistating into throwing them and discarding them when necessary, a toxic behaviour where the parent will refuse to take his responsability as such, often leading to the children having to mature early to take care of their parent rather then the opposite. It's when Alear becomes a Divine dragon/Lumera's child that they are allowed to be themselves and also to fufill themself and have the role they wanted to have next to Veyle that is to say, a friend, family and ally, it was this way they were able to protect Veyle compared to when they were a Fell child, Alear having younger sibling being killed in front of them proving they weren't able to protect them due to their fears of being killed which ... gives me vibes..

(never though one day I would make a link between VNC and a fire emblem game, and Engage above all, but here we go)

Anyway, like I said, it's like this that Alear is learning that strengh is in bonds and courage and not in strengh alone compared to their past selves who was strong enough to defeat Sombron but relied alone and was imprisonned by fear and in comparison, Veyle was capable of openly opposing Sombron.

The fact that from a character direction point of view you can already see that both Alear and Veyle were mistmatched with Sombron as opposed to Lumera is pretty indicating. To show that Lumera is light, she is presented as kind and loving as opposed to Sombron being cold, and heartless.

And the same way that Lumera influenced Alear and then Alear became a positive influence in Veyle's life, Sombron's bad influence is visible when he corrupts Lumera.

Despite her acting, only acting as kind as she was in her previous life, she actually basculate into the dark side of her motherly love for Alear, as shown by her exagerated gestures as she talks to Veyle and her twister expression. Moreover, compared to her first meeting with Alear where she is the one telling them that there is nothing defective about them, in this scene, she is the one calling Veyle a defect, showing that she is totally under Sombron's control/influence, especially compared to as when she is defeated and regain her sense.

The dragon siblings are kind and gentle soul but they cannot blossom in an environement that is violent and repressive, dark, they need a environnement, healthy, caring and light to fufill themselves. Sombron cannot offer that, whereas Lumera can even thought both lost their family due to war ans stayed alone for over a millenia

This duality, clash between Lumera and Sombron is serving the theme of family in Engage being based on connection rather then blood, what's more it aligns with the theme of identity as unlike Sombron, Lumera wanted deeply to be family to Alear, to the point of sacrificing herself and to basculate into the dark side of this desire in her corrupted form of it being an obsessive motherly love, with Alear's genuine desire of being themselves being locked up by their fear of Sombron and only when they are with Lumera can be themselves (and damn why is there so many parallels with Rafal) and ended up developping a desire to become a "dragon that save the world" and Alear was able to repeat the same schema with Veyle since talking about what she wanted, she answered the same thing.

#fire emblem #fire emblem engage #fe engage #meta analysis #meta #lumera fire emblem #sombron #lumera propaganda #accidentally #and also #accidental #sombron propaganda

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petewentzisblack1312 · 2 years

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I just went through the worst manic phase of my life (like I’ve never been actually manic like that i mainly experience hypomania which I’ve enjoyed as a respite from the depressive episodes and the ways to get shit done) but this shit was terrible, like to the point that my coworkers noticed and were concerned and my mom would not get in a car with me driving (and my mom with no psych background at all described me as manic). Like I could not get shit done or focus and I was so irritable and hyperactive and I could not keep still and I could not get my brain to stop moving and I could not sleep without ambien (which idk if it’s making me worse I have to meet with my doctor)

But anyway I never understood MANIA better than now like Pete fucking Did That like that album is a manic episode. Especially young and menace like the “we’ve gone way too fast for way too long” and the “I forgot what I was losing my mind about” and also Stay Frosty with “even at the best of times I’m out of my mind” and sunshine riptide with “I don’t even have my own attention” like this shit was my lifeline this week. I have since dropped down hard into a depressive phase so that’s when I turn to MCR but fuck like Pete really did just put mania into words in a way that not a lot of artists have (only other that comes to mind is Halsey). I think mania is so hard to write about because 1) it’s not something many people experience and 2) it’s really just so hard to describe and make art about that people would want to listen to you know? Even young and menace like it’s purposefully hard to listen to I feel like because a manic phase is hard to be in and like my brain felt like that chopped chorus the entire time I was manic and somehow that felt soothing to listen to at the time lol

I also really like the way you’ve analyzed it how the love songs are love songs to the mania like half the reason I’ve never really talked to my doctor about it is because I don’t want to lose the manic episodes but I’ve felt like I’ve been losing my mind recently cause I keep oscillating back and forth so. It’s time.

But yeah MANIA is so good and I hate how people think it’s about him being happy now. Mania ≠ happiness and I feel like people aren’t really listening to the lyrics 🙃

im really sorry you went/are going through a manic episode. like i know it feels kinda amazing while youre in it sometimes but it also feels like the worst thing ever. its contradictory like that. im glad youre seeking help. even hypomania can be dangerous sometimes, even though it feels good to finally be productive and have energy after a depressive episode. i will say that the thing about being treated for bipolar disorder is that you dont just lose the mania, you lose the depression too. i mean you dont completely lose either, treating mental illnesses is more about management than curing them, but i find that while i dont have the severe high energy i can do anything and everything phases, i also dont have the severe physical inability to feel anything except numbness. it mostly made me more balanced and more in control.

that being said, yeah. MANIA is an album about mania and it shows. like, i still think the phrase sunshine riptide is the best description of a manic episode ive ever heard. i think another part of the reason people dont write about mania more is the very thing you said about how people think its about being happy. like people dont really truly understand what mania is. it doesnt sink in how little control you have. it takes self awareness to recognize that your feeling of euphoria is destroying your life, and i think theres so much emphasis on productivity and moving forward that people dont question how healthy (or unhealthy) mania truly is. part of the reason a lot of people who experience mania cling to it so much is the pressure from people and systems around them to be productive, so its no wonder that people fall in love with their mania, which is why i really like the interpretation of mania as a toxic lover. i cant lie, its intoxicating. when the alternative is frustrating inability, being struck with the desire to do everything you want to do feels fucking good. i think a lot of lyrics on MANIA reflect that (take all your possibilities and take away the limits). then theres lyrics that encapsulate the distractedness, the way "i dont even have my own attention" ("i was about to say something that would solve all our problems but then i got drunk and forgot what i was talking about." kind of marries these two points) and then theres the obsessiveness to your own detriments (ive got dreams of my own but i want to make yours come true). like its just a slideshow of a manic episode, and it does so so. i dont want to say elegantly, because just by the nature of the album and the way it explores its themes, its not at all elegant. but it does so effectively. perfectly.

anyway, im glad you like my analysis! i hope you feel better, and i hope you find the treatment thats best for you.

#dils declares #dils dissects #mania #anon i want you to know im rooting for you!!!

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faeodum · 2 years

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okay i just saw love and thunder and i need to get some things out. spoilers alert yk the drill

first of all i’ve said this in the tags a couple reblogs back but MY GOD don’t go see this movie if you want to see an action movie or worst a serious movie. this is not what this is. idk about you, but when i’m considering paying 15 bucks to see a movie i kinda want to know what i need to be looking forward to and L&T gave exactly what it said: an unserious, ridiculous, weird, corny ass lovecom that will allow you to turn your brain off for a little less than two hours and have fun

literally they described the plot as “imagine if you put a bunch of kids in the writers room, asked what they wanted to see in a thor movie, and then said yes to everything” and that’s what we got! why are you having a fit on twitter!!!!!!

ANYWAYS besides that it was really fun!! the room i was in was very open to the corny kiwi humor, everyone was laughing the whole time and even when it got cringey it was more funny than annoying and we all had a great time (im thinking of the “fake bad acting” choice in the directing but again i’m familiar with taika’s work so it didn’t bother me but some might find it upsetting)

AGAINNN its not the height of cinema and its not supposed to be. would i have liked more character development for val? yes absolutely this was my main hope so im a bit disappointed. but also i understand that there are more thor movies coming up and this one was about thor and jane and bringing closure to what we knew had been a serious/long-term relationship that just?? ended off screen suddenly. so i am hoping val is getting that next time and im not too worried about it

though you can’t take this away from waititi: the movie was really fucking pretty (yes ik a few wonky green screens but even actively looking for them i barely noticed besides the War Baby Flashback)

like hello the second face-off with the villain was insane???? christian bale is a crazy talented actor and i loved the video game-ish vibes it had (although ik my friend was kinda put off by it) but it was actually one of my favorite scenes

actually yk what the thematic of love was refreshing as hell… the fact that the antagonist had it against selfish and unresponsive gods rang with me and it was nice to see thor acknowledging that although he had very much been like that, he’s working on himself to be better

choosing to admit you’re defeated and just choose to pass ur last moment with your loved ones rather than fighting a loosing battle? how the movie treats important and heavy themes such as a loved one fighting a deadly illness, wanting the best for them and yet NEVER making choices for them… choosing love over hate always

again some people have HATED the last scene but guys? although i was not expecting it, it actually makes sm sense for thor. all he’s ever wanted was to take care of smn/someone, but the position he was given (crown prince then king) was just too much pressure on him and he just knew too well how utterly unfit he was for the job, and well although he could have grown into it, it was just not in the cards for him with the whole thanos disaster/ensuing depression

with this new development, he gets that AND stops this long cycle of loneliness and self-doubt he’s had going on for literal years. here he can’t doubt that he’s loved and needed, cause he now has a literal child in his custody that very definitely both loves and needs him and he CANNOT doubt that and thats so good for him and his confidence i think. also that single interaction was so fucking cute and natural are you kidding me??????

bonus points for the fact that it also allows him to grieve in a more healthy way because again, he can’t take care of a kid if he can’t take care of himself. no more brusso brothers alcoholism bs we’re in a healthy household now!

we knew it but val’s sexuality was confirmed and so were gay rock dads (squared)!!! and it felt damn good since last time we got that was with phastos which made me tear up a bit in eternals lmao

still laughing thinking about the gd goats

THIS WAS A MOVIE FOR KIDS!!!!! and that was so wholesome. yeah it’s a movie for kids and by kids too since the actors’ kids were all included both in the writing and monsters designing process (and featured in the movie too!) and i think it’s great that little kids out there can watch this movie and go huh i too can be a hero! it’s alright if i’m scared and it’s normal but i can do anything! and thats what heroes comics are about babeyyyy

might be repeating myself here but gd yall threw a fit because marvel was boring and yall wanted smn different and now you’re like “TOO DIFFERENT TOO DIFFERENT!!!” like pls go touch some grass its a fucking marvel movie it couldn’t be LESS deep

if, again, the movie was all about lame jokes, when it got to heavy scenes it did it very well. a few people got choked up during the final showdown and the scene just before it. and i think it takes talent to have people switch from hilarity to sad tears so organically

unfortunately the after credits scenes did not do it for me. although the prospect of bringing in greek mythology is cool ig, after seeing so many cool looking gods in that one scene i was like 1) zeus could have stayed dead actually 2) hercules is not the most exciting option but again? benefit of the doubt…lets see whats gonna happen…… also pretty sure the second post-cred was just waititi being like ‘aw fuck they killed heimdall? >:(( fuck that hey idris mate get ur ass on set’ bc it served nothing lmao but hey! not complaining about seeing heimdall one last time!

anyways yes thats about it for now!!! might add some later if something comes to mind but otherwise i’ll resume this with: if you have two hours and 10 bucks to kill, go switch off ur brain and watch thor love and thunder

#i got a bit upset about the marvel bros throwing a tantrum on twitter again can u tell lmaooo #thor love and thunder #thor lat #long post #thor spoilers

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alltid-og-for-evig · 27 days

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Who would you say are your favorite and least favorite characters from each tvdu show and why?

Favorite:

Katherine, Bonnie, and Damon probably take the top spot in tvd. They kind of rotate in my brain. Each of them are such strong personalities, and each of them have an edge, I think is what I like. Also they're all pretty damn smart and I like me an intelligent character.

Klaus 100% is my favorite Originals character (though the Originals is hard because I love all of these characters so much). I like his journey, I like how his paranoia is reinforced, how he's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and how he had such potential for a really good redemption arc. He's smart, he's evil, he's ruthless, he's ultimately so good inside - he's everything I love in a character.

Legacies is gonna be a bit weird, but Kaleb motherfucking Hawkins. Of course, I have a list of top five that I love dearly, but Kaleb has always been my favorite. Idk what it is about him, exactly, because he was my fave back in season one. It might be because he reminds me of my other faves in this world. I like his s1 rebel stance (even if he goes too far and proclaims supernaturals are superior), he brings up good points about how the vampires are treated. Then, going forward, I like that he's the Devils advocate a lot of the time. So many of the Legacies characters are overly hopeful, to the point they sometimes won't accept the possibility of other things, but Kaleb is always there to say "hey, maybe things won't go our way - what then?" But he's also extremely loyal and selfless and good.

Least favorite:

This changes from rewatch to rewatch, as sometimes I'll think about something and change my mind, or I'll see a really good argument and watch differently, and I'm guessing you mean least favorite out of recurring or main characters, so-

Least favorite tvd at this point for me is Matt. It used to be Jeremy & Tyler, but both of them have redeemed themselves in my eyes. Matt however, is a useless lamp of a character who just exists to have the worst life ever, which would be funny if it weren't so annoying. I don't care that he's the "last human standing" or whatever, he does like 5 helpful things in 8 seasons, then becomes an angry cop. He basically turns on all his friends - valid or not, that turned me against him. You could replace him with a lamp and it would change nothing significant about the show.

I'd probably have to say Jackson is my least favorite Originals character, not because I don't like him, but because I forget he exists. Unless they're written to be hated, I generally like everyone in this show, and while I like some things that Jackson does, he just gets lost in the background of far more interesting characters.

Legacies is just as hard as tO, especially since I only dislike people who aren't really there? I would have said Ethan a few months ago, but my mind has been changed on him. So I guess now its Penelope and the Necromancer? Pen because we get so little info about her and what happened with Josie that it feels like Pen never talked to Jo about how she was feeling neglected in the relationship, broke up with her (broke her heart), and then proceeded to massively bully Lizzie. If she'd stuck around I probably would have liked her because she would have gotten character development, but she's stuck as her s1 self because that's all we got for her. Then, Necromancer - really just because he was not as good as the writers seemed to think. He was fun for a second, then quickly became annoying, and they just kept bringing him back 🙄. And, now that I think about it, throw Alaric in there as well. I liked him in tvd, but Legacies ruined his character. He was awful to Hope and he was awful as a headmaster.

💙

#asks #scribblings #tvdu

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xorobyn · 7 months

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Goddamnit. I’m so miserable. I’m quitting my job next month bc I’m not mentally strong enough to do what I do. And I accept that. Idk if I even want to do accounting anymore. I’m so burnt out on life. And I’m so tired of being strong. I’ve been strong my entire life. And have done everything right to ensure nothing held me back and it hasn’t helped me become less miserable. I’ve only gotten worse. I’ve been wanting to die since fucking middle school. My brain is fucked up. I accept it. I’m giving up. I’m done trying to be the best. I’m not strong enough. And the sad part is - I thought JD hurting me so bad wouldn’t ruin me bc I’ve been thru worse but it fucking is and that’s what pisses me off the most. I really thought I’d be okay. But I’m not. I’ve been trying so hard for these past few months. I’ve had a lot of ups. I’ve been in better places mentally but I haven’t healed. And it’s been bringing me down so much. I can’t even do my fucking job. And I hate that it has so much of an effect on me. I even lost my lifelong best friend bc of it. But I feel like I’ve tried fucking everything. Gym, friends, therapy, hobbies, not stalking, blocking, trying to move one, etc. and I’m going on 4 months and I still can’t move on. I still sob. I’m so hurt. I miss him so much. I don’t fucking understand. Yeah I’m letting him ruin my life. Fuck it. I don’t even care. I have to do this for my sanity. If I want to do accounting again eventually I can always go back but it’s too much pressure. I need a job that doesn’t require so much. I need a break from work that has so much pressure. I’ve never experienced so much anxiety at work than I have this year. And a lot of that is bc of the way JD treated me. And I’m not even saying I want him back bc clearly even when we were together he hurt me. But he fucking did the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. No one has ever hurt me that bad. And now here I am. Trying so hard to get better and I’m fucking burnt out from it. I’m burnt out from picking myself up everyday and trying to move forward. I give up. Something has to give. I wish I was dead. This shit only makes me even more assured. If I was dead, I couldn’t get hurt anymore. I don’t get that close to ppl bc of how hurt I have been before. That took me years to get over. But i let JD in and he fucking ruined me. I never wanted to feel this way again. God he’s the fucking worst. Why the fuck did he have to choose me to do this too… like I’m not the one. He always bitched about me being sensitive and then chose to tear my heart out. He’s evil. He’s fucking evil and he ruined me

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dates-tears-bandageaids · 10 months

Text

July 09. 2023

I'm writing this in the middle of a crisis, not the type of crisis in which I cry and I can't breathe and I feel like I'm drowning and the worst that could ever happen to me was being born with my brain.

No, the other ones, the ones in which it feels like I just woke up, I opened my eyes and saw my life for the first time in many years, and I realize: I am great

Will this feeling last? Maybe, for a while, for days? Hours? Maybe the feeling will go away even before I finish writing this, Idk.

But now that I can look at my life from an outside perspective, I realize that I'm in love with you, I knew that of course, I have always known it since the moment I felt it. And I Know I love in a beautiful way, I love with every inch of me, when I love, there's no doubt that I do.

I love with passion, I love with energy, with words, with actions, with touches, with laughs and talks, I love with every part of me and I love with a choice. I didn't chose to love you, it just happened, but everyday I made the choice of showing you, of letting you know, of making you feel it. And that is the difference between you and me.

I dont doubt you love me, even though I doubted for a while, but not anymore, I know you do, but I don't think you choose me. You can treat me nice touch me, kiss me, tell me nice things, spend time with me, listen to me, care for me, yes, but when times get tough, as any relationship will ever get, you don't choose me.

Everytime things have gotten rough, you stopped trying for me, and I know It doesn't necessarily comes to only me and you, that there are other 20 factors in your life that make you tired, that make you afraid, that make you give up. But when I turn around and see all my baggage, I always continue to choose you, to fight for you.

Yes, we are different people, I know that, that's why I kept this for my thoughts only, I broke up with you and decided to give up on you, cause fighting for someone who doesn't fight back gets tiresome.

And then you came back and you made me believe that you were choosing me, but you weren't, we shared one week of acting, pretending that everything was fine, that we could do whatever we wanted, that we could touch and kiss each other, without having repercussions.

I am tired of giving myself out, I'm tired of choosing someone and fighting for someone that has to sit down to think if they want to be with me.

I don't want to be an after thought, I don't want to be a " maybe", "let me see", " I have to think" or "tengo que ver cómo me siento estando allá"

I want to be a "yes", "hell yes", "of course", "I want to try", "you are worth trying, you are worth fighting for"

Cause I would choose you, I would choose you here, there or anywhere, I know that, but you can't.

You never actually choose me and I know that, and still, I remain here, and I didn't said anything, cause I wanted to live in the fantasy that I could have you for a little before you started hurting me again.

We are not platonic, I am not platonic to you, I dont act platonic with you, but we are, cause we are nothing (I mean in a romantic/compromise sense). I spend a week with you, giving you everything I would give a relationship without being one and even know I'm continuing to do so. And I don't want that.

Leo, I would fight for you, I would put every effort for you, I would travel to see you, I would visit as much as you wanted me to, I would invite you here, I would do video calls, calls, compromise. I would, even long distance, for you I would do that, cause I think you are worth it.

But you can't look at me and offer me the same, I know I can sit down and wait for the answer, of course I could, but I don't want to.

So, this is me asking that, I'm not asking for boyfriends again wow, no, but, I'm asking if you are going to try for me as I would for you, if there will be a compromise. This is me, asking, for the last time.

If the answer is no, then that's done, we will still talk and all that, but even though I can't close my emotions, I'll treat you as I need to treat you: as a friend, platonically, none of the special treatment that I've been given you, not cause I'm trying to be mean, but because I deserve to give all my love to someone willing to give it back.

If the answer is yes, then, we try, we compromise, we make an effort, we try, and if we fail then that's that, I've never looked down on failure, the only thing i ever wanted was to be fought for.

When I say: truly, no one does it like me, there's no one like me. Those small glimpses of praise I give myself, are so rare and fragile, but I mean them. I think I am worth fighting for, I think I am worth trying, I think I deserve to be fought for, I deserve being choosed. And I want you to do that, but I would never and I mean ever, beg you to do that, I would never fall so low, I'm not asking you to choose me and fight for me, I'm asking for an answer in which either one I'll respect and adapt and understand, but I will never grieve not being chosen, cause if you don't do it, then I know damn well someone else will.

I think we have something special going on, I could be insane, but I think you also feel it too, that, we make sense, that we bring the best of each other, that we trust each other, yes, of course we love each other, but we can love things we don't trust, and we do trust each other.

I think we are good for the other, that even we understand the other (not completely obviously), we can clash and crash, but that's what it is about, clashing and crashing and choosing each other either way.

If the answer is no, then the answer is no, then you will never hear me say this words again, I'll leave it at peace and we move on from it, we remain friends, we treat each other as so, and respect that limit.

I hope you understand that I can't live the way you have one way or another asked me to live: do things now and worry about them later. No, I wont do that anymore.

I deserve a: "hell yes" or the honesty and clarity of a direct answer that leads us to close the chapter of us (romantically speaking). With this I'm not saying the feelings will go away, but that boundaries will be made and we won't toy anymore with ground that is unstable, cause, one way or the others we always end up going back to the other, I refuse to come back to you again just to not receive the same I give to you.

I love you, and I know you operate differently, I respect that, I came back to a relationship in which I was told we would do long distance, then that changed and I respect it, I stayed in a relationship in which we would "figure it out when we got there" and then I stayed in a situation of a week in which we ignore the time coming for us. I've respected your way of living and acting and I made an effort in letting you do so, I ask the same in return, I ask for an answer of something none of us know.

If you say yes and we try, will we last? Idk, I have no clue, but that's the thing, I don't care, I'm not here cause I have a certainty of success, no, I am here, cause I think you are worth it, even if we fail. I want to know if you see me the same way.

If not, then, that's it, no more trying, no more asking, just a friendship, as I treat all my other friendships, with care and effort and limits.

#poetry #spilled poetry #lovers #love #pain #long distance relationship #situationships #letters #journey #digital journal #pt 1 #datestearsbandageaids

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raincamp · 11 months

Text

7 - 22 - 23

not me writing "[ bad thing was happening ] until [therapist] saved me" in my journal as if she's some sort of fucking messiah

i would call her my Favorite Person except for the fact that it feels wrong to give that term to my therapist of all people

but im terrified of her leaving me. i genuinely feel like i need her in order to survive. if she did, ever, actually give her input on what she thought of me as a person, my own self worth would be dependent on her, but right now its only dependent on my perception of what she thinks of me, which isn't necessarily the same thing.

i hate the fact that my life revolves around her, as if im mentally ill or something idk

more rambles about therapy ahead,, if you weren't already expecting it

i cannot stop thinking about her, i replay our sessions in my head so much that it borders on obsession. i still get embarrassed at the stupid things i say, i get angry about things she does, i feel defensive about her poking me where i dont want to be poked (metaphorically). i ruminate on it for weeks to the point where it fills the gaps in time where my brain should be idling. i fall asleep to the memories of me sitting in her office. its partly why i decided to continue this blog.

i want to be clear that this is not a romantic or sexual transference, i don't think i would even go as far as to call it platonic transference. i dont see her as a mother figure or best friend.

i know what our relationship entails, and i am comfortable in the fact that it is just a therapeutic relationship. one sided. focused on my treatment. it gives me stability, and security, that i am certain about where we stand with each other, and where her boundaries are. because one of my worst fears is crossing someones boundaries on accident.

that doesn't stop me from being absolutely fucking terrified of her abandoning me. it doesn't stop me from splitting on her. it doesn't stop me from going to extremes just to get her attention.

when i realized that this was happening, that my BPD shit was showing up in my relationship with my therapist, it fucking terrified me. anytime that i realize im falling into favorite person territory with anybody it terrifies me. having a FP is painful and scary at times. it turns me into somebody i dont recognize.

what's funny though, when i finally had that conversation with her about it, when i told her i finally came to the realization of what i was doing, when i apologized for the shit i was putting her through, i had expected this to be news to her, because it was news to me.

but she told me that she knew the entire time. she knew even before i realized it myself. she told me about how each week her and her supervisor (also my group therapist) had been discussing how best to handle the behaviors that i was projecting on her that were interfering with my treatment. how she recognized when i was splitting on her in session even though i didn't even fucking know i was splitting on her in session.

she even gave me specific examples of how she would wait until the perfect moment to bring something up, or how she would change her tone just to avoid reinforcing my behavior. she even told me about a specific instance in which she had difficulty keeping an implicit boundary with me because she could tell that it was hurting me, and that all that she really wanted to do was comfort me.

and i was completely un-fucking-aware.

i felt so dumb. and i also felt angry. and i also felt immensely cared for.

i recognize how lucky i am to have such a good therapist, its so incredibly rare to find someone that is as competent at treating BPD as she is. i mean, i can't even handle my shit but somehow she's a fucking master at it. it honestly astounds me how she's this good and she's just in training. and shes only 5 years older than me. :')

i love her so fucking much.

and its surprising me that i even typed that out, considering that three hours ago i sent her a text telling her how angry i was at her and how i hated her.

borderline be borderlining ig

- andrew

#therapy #bpd #tumblr diary #diary #rambles #therapy stuff #favorite person #actually bpd #im not mentally stable #borderline personality disorder

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dnalkaline · 11 months

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I don't even know why the fuck I try anymore.

It feels like everything important to me always feels the need to be ripped out in the worst way possible.

Every time I try saving up for a vacation or to go to an event I've always wanted to go to, I end up having some kind of freak accident or health issue that makes me pay out the ass from the money I saved up and then if I can still go I basically have to walk around broke.

And the worst part is, after I nearly died because my dad refuses to ever do checkups on his car and assured me the brakes etc. were completely fine (despite that thing being a death trap), he keeps refusing responsibility and keeps going "it was fine :/// idk what happened" despite literally everyone who looked at the car report said that if I tried to drive home that night, my car WOULD have had the tie rod snap and the rusted breaks would have immediately caused me to spin out of control on the highway and probably kill me. It's like he doesn't even care. He didn't have any reaction when he was told about this. I almost started crying because he's supposed to be the "good" parent but... idk. It always feels like people SAY they care about me just to make themselves feel better but people rarely actually SHOW they do.

Being in poverty would be enough but my life just feels the need to be gut punch after gut punch. I lose inheritance that was promised to me that would immediately make my life insanely easier at the drop of a hat just bc the person (has repeatedly) decided to change their mind and sell it for themself or give it to someone else. Everyone I've ever truly loved IRL as family has been taken from me and released from this mortal coil. And now with my brain disease I'm starting to lose the only thing I ever really prided myself on- my mind.

After the pandemic made everyone's finances eat shit, nobody wants my art anymore (right when I was starting to gain some traction!) and I have to spend my time bending over backwards for a bunch of really demanding gig work that I didn't even really have a choice in doing.

I'm too disabled to work a "real" job but too mentally competent that I got denied and even if I do EVENTUALLY win it could take years to get SSI and my rights as a human being will be limited. I used to try to put my foot in the door for like webcomic startups and shit like that as a contracted worker and every single time I get hired the company goes under and I barely have anything to show for it. I want to submit to the local art gallery to maybe get my works out there and possibly find someone who wants to buy them but there's a fee to it and I just. idk.

I keep trying to make myself feel better and less "useless" by donating old stuff or giving it to friends who might need it. And usually this helps but. I don't know. I don't even know how to talk to people about this because to be honest my therapist is kind of stumped on how to help me now. Like she's trying her best and she does have good advice it's just there's only so much you can do when there are circumstances out of your control beating the shit out of you constantly. And I can't afford to be sent to the mental hospital and even if I WAS, the last time I was there was so traumatizing due to the racism and negligence that I don't want to go back.

Maybe it would be better if I had some IRL friends to hang out with more but most of the guys I would hang out with either committed suicide or I stopped talking to them because I realized that I wasn't being treated very well. I don't know what to do. My therapist assures me I'm constantly just being dealt a bad hand of cards and I'm doing my best but I don't care anymore. I hate being alive. I hate my life so much.

I don't even know why the fuck I'm writing this. I guess I just want it to be known *somewhere* that I haven't been very well for a very long time and if I just randomly disappear one day you can all probably guess what happened. I'm not going to do anything stupid tonight but I've been fighting the urge near-daily for the past few months while trying to pretend I can keep making it through. I don't know. I just want everything to stop I wish miracles were real. I hate how you can fight depression and suicide ideation for over a decade and it feels like it's never gets much better.

It doesn't help I keep having this OCD fear that I'm going to die before my next birthday and all the stuff lately is freaking me out.

I'm crying too hard to keep typing and looking at what im typing so idk if you read all this thanks ill probably feel better after a nap or something but everything just feles so fucking exhausting

#vent post / /#suicide mention cw / /#null rambles

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knowlessman · 11 months

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idk, bnha ig. s3e22-25

oh yeah, this intro. still wondering who that with the teeth and the goggles is.

…huh. bakugo and tallboi didn't get in. -- tallboi still doing that headplant thing, huh. 'XD captain-ginyu-ass weirdo

mineta: says literally anything me: skip. -- how did we use to watch things on the television, without being able to pause or fast-forward or anything? how did we live like that?

"I'll see you at the thing, but I honestly still don't really like you, so apologies in advance!" …I think I like it when people/characters have the capacity to admit they don't really like each other without actually being each other's problem. There's a bit in Bottle Shock (which I'm not really sure why I've seen, tbph) where one guy goes "Why don't I like you?" and gets a frank, guileless answer. IIRC, the two just kinda… still manage to not like each other but also don't antagonize each other.

BUH 0_0 vampire girl WAS there

hm. All for One looks kinda like Asura from Soul Eater when he's gettin his skin figured out. -- "I hate this prison. I turned myself into an SCP and I'm being treated like it, and I hate it." -- "Then let me predict what's going to happen by rattling off a list of stuff that literally happened just before I was incarcerated" -- well, that accomplished fuckall. unless all might just wanted confirmation that there was infighting among the villains, but I'm pretty sure they already knew that.

sure, tell god explosion murder all your secrets why don't you. you almost did before. -- "kacchan, how far are we going?" deku why do you talk to people. why do you talk to this guy, specifically. -- clarification: people need to be able to admit they don't like each other and live with it and not make it their defining character trait. -- 'XD bakugo literally has a modernized version of Sid's t-shirt from toy story. hell, it probably would've been the Punisher logo if they thought they'd get away with it -- deku, never learn to play poker. anything with bluffing in it, for that matter. -- bakugo doesn't even have the self-awareness to know that he won't like the outcome no matter who wins.

"why here?" "because if we fight anywhere else, people will try to stop me from k--ing you." for pity's sake, expel this guy already. clap him back in that Lecter getup again and stop letting people talk to him who aren't trained to help monsters unlearn their monstery ways.

dang this intro got some good vocals in it. some danged good tunes.

pauses to try to read eraser head's screen d'oh. it's gonna be in Japanese anyway knowless, you idiot

"he had to retire because of me" bakugo possesses an entire inch of character depth? :O bakugo possesses a single thought in that mono-red, oops-all-burn-spells brain of his that almost approaches guilt about how he's affected somebody else? -- "don't make me think!" mono. red. oops. all. burn. spells.

"why deku?" "he gives half a shit about other people. that's it. that's the entire secret." -- "I pronounce you the Worst Most Toxic Most Abusive Ship that Anyone Has Ever Shipped." Maybe second-worst if you put Harley and Joker in front, god only knows how bad that one's gone in one canon or another. -- This is… mostly… a well-written show. I dunno about Bakugo tho, I dunno where the mangaka's head is at tbph. We have All Might being smart enough to worry about being too Might Guy, but then we also have this. -- "that's not what I wanted to hear" you don't want to hear anything, you want to be angry and hurt people. -- "I'm not keeping this secret for you, I'm keeping it because it'll be a hassle for me otherwise." the toxic masculinity this fucking biohazard of a human being puts out could power a mid-sized country. -- "to surpass deku, I'll make everything my own like he does" you'll start reading and taking notes?

"I was the cause. it's because bakugo needs serious therapy from an amazing psychologist and for some reason my stupid ass is practically the only authority figure in his life who's ever attempted to talk to him." well, him and best jeanist, who seemed to do fuckall besides give him a goofy makeover.

I guess, from the inner dialogue, that's Twice? thought it was Bakuswole

Class B has literally the Geico caveman and that goomba kid. dangit I wanna know more about them. also that dark souls helmet person.

yooo, it's gamzee again, hell yeah! shinso!

is making everyone stand at assembly while the principal says literally fuckall a thing over here, too? I didn't go to high school.

"you got caught breaking the rules, so as punishment you're basically guaranteed to fail your classes"? wtf -- "what are you???" oh come on deku that's at best like the third weirdest quirk you've seen

Tintin! That's who this noclip fucker looks like! -- "I remember him from the sports festival. he made a strange impression." oh for fuck's sake. another nudist?

hm. goblin boy can't do public speaking. big relate.

this is cool and all but his ability could still have allowed him to keep his clothes on, pseudoscientific plausibility be damned, and that would've been fine. even the point of this spiel wouldn't have been affected.

ayup. next on the list, I believe, is the Do-or-Die bonus episodes, then s4

#knowless watches bnha

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