#i'm just tired and mad and yeah
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listen... this fucking sucks... i'm so angry... but all it shows is we have to really put our support behind actual queer artists or BIPOC artists to give us the stories that matter
i have so much to say on this and so much of it is conflicting which is why i'm hesitant to post much more. but all i will say is we shouldn't have to fight for good storytelling, shows shouldn't get cancelled when they're that highly rated, and mainstream media is super important. but so many of us are getting burnt out by this constant need to fight for a certain number of tweets to get an ending for a show and that's weird, my friends. that's super weird. that's not how this should work, and we should put our effort and energy and time into people and things that have fought for us as well
#randomrants#maybe we in droves leave mainstream media#no ratings and no money will get their attention#and queer fans make up so much of audiences that they refuse to acknowledge#i don't have good answers#i'm just tired and mad and yeah#i'm gonna tag a bunch of shows cause you all get it#but this is specifically in response to the news about#station 19#warrior nun#motherland fort salem#willow#the wilds#aloto#and the hundreds of others we all held dear
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Can't even be on TikTok..
Again, let's look at the full picture of how it was a chain reaction that was bound to happen when everyone bunches up like that when you should've taken the corner as you previously did under the safety car so Lance has some fault but it's literally not entirely his and yeah..
Also, Lance locked up because he desperately tried to brake so he did use his brake ^^ His tyres weren't allowing him to brake because of the lockup ^^
#I'm so tired guys.#you can literally see on Lance's onboard that someone ahead locked up (Fernando) and that before that they started to accelerate a little#they could've taken the corner at that speed and they speed they slowed to was extremely slow even for that hairpin#oh yeah did you also know that Lance was mad at whoever caused the chain reaction and not Daniel? and that's why he was upset over the pen?#also reportedly Laurent Mekies told Daniel that Lance was blaming him when Lance never mentioned his name#and it is super fucking easy to imply that Lance was upset over who caused the mass brake check#and Daniel almost couldn't stop himself and rear ended Piastri#please I fucking beg that you all pay attention to the entire picture and not just the big incident because you get so much more info 🤗#lance stroll#f1#formula 1
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i'm sorry i'm not being fun enough on my personal blog which is the only place on the internet i get to just be a person and not have to be professional because it's the only place my colleagues and employers don't follow me but also i'm not sorry because sometimes being grumpy is part of being human and i'm so goddamn tired of having to perform perfection on the internet
#personal#like. yeah. on a good day i would have given a longer and more thoughtful response to the arthuriana ask#but also sometimes you hit a point where you're like. i've said this. i've written this post. it's in the tag already#i don't know what more people want from me that i haven't already given. i can't keep writing the same essays again#i'm not mad at the asker but i also can't do Free Academia On Demand at all times you know?#particularly when arthuriana isn't even my area of research specialism#i am pretty much always happy to answer ulster cycle asks because i always learn something from researching the answers#(or i already know the answers so they're very easy)#but stuff outside of that just feels like work after a while and sometimes i do not have the spoons#i am very glad of cicelythereaper's response. i recommend reading that one.#i'm sorry i couldn't be the one to give it on this occasion but lads. i am so fucking tired#i have so many jobs i have so many chronic illnesses i am so behind on everything in my life
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The fact I honestly thought I'd pull off playing College Craze and being normal about it, and then less than a week later I've already played it multiple times, made a duel MC au, a Pinterest board, and recreated some of the PopMe pages, is genuinely not lost on me.
#college craze#katie talks ifs and vns#i made psds for new contacts and calls too but didn't really have a use for them in this#also i just bs'd vidtok if it pops up I'll redo those but >.> i think you can tell who my favorite RO is so far okay (it's Pierce)#and then jay shaun ruby and trish also have me by the throat like if Trish has 0 fans I'm dead okay#I've known those characters literally like 4 days and I'd go to bat for all five of them already ok - my beloveds#anyway madeline mostly follows canon (the divergence is Ches exists and Ches is canonly the one fake!dating Shaun for Mad's tuition)#otherwise what the vn throws at Madeline she gets ok and then Ches breaks canon... so much it'd be probably too long for the tags#but this is what i get for being like 'this oc I've been writing for a decade+ would be down so bad for Pierce and Shaun lemme do a#playthrough with her and see what happens' - this happens apparently 😂 listen the vn helped me get through the entire time my mom was#in the hospital (she's home now) so tbh it was a really appreciated distraction <3#extremely long post#long post#edits:mine#college craze: ches#college craze: madeline#college craze: madeline x jay#college craze: ches x pierce#i had fun with these though like Madeline messaging Ches to ensure she isn’t going to come in and find Jay in the dorm#and Ches being like ‘yeah my vidtok is 100% Pierce’s fault’ yikes I need to sleep I’m excitedly tired rambling#sorry if this post is annoying (and for the lines under the categories breaking future me will fix that in further edits if I post more#those may be relegated to the shit post blog though we’ll see posting oc stuff makes me so anxious ngl)#im just hitting post I’ve been staring at this stressing it like two hours now jfc
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I've been seeing the "endeavor is the best written character in BNHA" take for a while and regardless of if that's true or not (because that's an opinion, not a fact) do the people saying this not think it's questionable or off-putting that the "best" written character is a middle aged man discovering after over two decades that neglecting, abusing, and overall traumatizing his wife and children is BAD and he wants to be a better person now???
#i know i have mutuals that like endeavor. or at least want to fuck him. but come on guys pick a better dilf. have better taste#for the record I don't have an issue with the narrative putting a focus on endeavor#i just think the framing of that focus was garbage#using him as a narrative point to critique hero society and the HPSC was RIGHT THERE. IT WAS RIGHT THERE#ALSO. A L SO. i'm so tired of people being like 'hey this man makes me uncomfortable and I don't like him in the story'#and absolute clowns responding that ' yeah. but he's the best written character in the series!!!'#once again WHY has the abusive father been given the best writing in the series as opposed to literally any of the main characters?#horikoshi chose to minimize the ripple effect endeavor's behavior should have had on society in BNHA and shockingly that's not good writin#also because i know people like to whine about 'p u r i t a n i c a l' views. that is literally not the problem here#i'm not mad that endeavor exists as a character. I like the wrench he throws into the idealistic version of heroism presented early on#i'm mad that the societal issue of men using their wealth fame and power to abuse others is glossed over#in favor of a narrative arc about this dickhead feeling bad and wanting to do better#anti bnha#sort of#anti endeavor#absolutely#fandom.bnha
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The whole "if a person is mad at you it's their responsibility to tell you" thing just made me realize how fucked my situation is. Like just. woah
#who wants to hesr the story of how I lost my irl friends recently (you will I'm spitting everything right now)#anyway so last year one day one of my friends decided to randomly backstab me and she started talking behind my back#and yeah this all made me mad because?? what the fuck#she started talking and revealing stuff that i had confide to her to other people and they slowly started drifting from me#BUt the thing here is that she was manipulating the story. she changed it every time she told stuff to people to make me look bad#i heard one of the things she said about me once and i was like ?? she even make me dislike me in her version which like woa#anyway I didn't understand why she did that because it was ? so random? and then she started ignoring me and has not talked to me ever since#the thing is. she apparently didn't have enough with just doing that. she slowly started to rot my other friends' brains too?#in the sense that. suddenly the rest of my group was ignoring me too. they never said anything to me. or stated that they had a problem#they just ignored me in my face? and yeah that. hurt#recently i found thanks to a third party that one of them decided to stop talking to me because apparently i had hurt her uncountable times#and she was just soo sick and tired of me doing that. which. honestly made me mad because she did not ever express that to me?? so#what was i supposed to do. if she never said anything.#anyway one of my friends confronted her about the treatment they were giving to me. the whole exclusion thing. and her answer was-#”well it's not my fault that she doesn't have more friends and doesn't talk to people”#and i was like. woah. what a poor reply. is that really it.. also apparently they all had agree to stop talking to me as a group-#-and they never informed me so. thank you?#and I'm still here asking what i did to that ex friend of mine. later on i found out she had hooked up with the guy i used to like btw#and she kept it secret. oh and then i started dating my current partner ! person she also felt attracted to. and that's my only explanation.#she started gossiping after what happened with the first guy. so that's really everything that comes to mind as a reason#ANYWAY now that i was at the hospital i didn't receive a single text from any of them. so i guess that was it. people who don't care-#-like that are not friends. those people are not my friends. people who ignore me on purpose and gossip like that are not. my friends#so yeah that's why I've been feeling down lately but ! here I am i ended up ranting so. much#rant#vent#?#woah i actually feel so much better after spitting it all#I'm also following that sour grape advice btw I'm not giving them the privilege of cutting me out. I'M the one who dislikes them now
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Thank you to the folks who messaged me to say sweet shit about my ideas 🥺 You have no clue how much that means
Also, I fucking love that we're all chill even if we don't agree on how we're going to write something or how we characterize!!! I just really love this community 🥺
#like yeah there's idiots in EVERY fandom/community but so many people are nice and chill :') It's so much fun#I doubt the folks who messaged will see this as they don't follow but know that I'm saying thank you again and I love you🥺#like the motivation it gave me!!! 😭 2000+ words last night!!! even though I was chopping wood and tired that day!!!!#I think I'm scarred from the 2016 ship wars😅 I was there... I was young but I was there. (also the first wave of Aphobia :'D )#this is silly but still I just wanted to say it#Mad rambles
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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Sometimes I think I have no right to be this tired. Then I remember I
lost my job of ten years
had my first major surgery which, while the result was wonderful, took almost two months to heal from
hit the worst extended depressive low of my life, prompting me to
finally start medication for the first time, with all its gloriously unpleasant side effects
replaced the house’s sewer liner/furnace/AC unit/water heater/roof/garage roof
had a pipe burst (really FOUR pipes burst in four separate corners of one room) (on Christmas morning!), requiring a full renovation of three rooms, and leading us to
live with my parents for the first time since my early 20s (bless them, but it is a bit of an adjustment)
expected to lose my grandmother, prompting me to grieve her before she made a miraculous turnaround and
actually lost my grandfather, which in turn makes us worry all over again about said grandmother’s future
all within the last ten months.
And then I think. Yeah. Maybe the tired makes a wee bit of sense.
#personal bullshit#every time i get mad at myself for how little i've been writing#or how much i've been sleeping#or how often i hide myself in fiction these days#i remember that this is...a lot for the span of less than a year#not to mention feeling like one of the only people around to recognize we are STILL in a pandemic Actually#it has been...a time#and i feel like i can't properly job hunt or settle my brain until i'm home and can really focus#and it's just all. yeah. yeah. fair to be tired#fair to be angry. fair to be burned out.#makes a heaping help of sense actually
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unpopular opinion: everyone should shut up :)
#babble#complaining#this is about the byler discourse. i'm so tired because everyone is mad at eachother when some of you literally agree and hnnngg#some of you do genuinely suck but a lot of the ppl on my dash are getting mad over a miscommunication (not everyone but a lot)#this is what my ''st fans learn difference between fanon and canon challenge'' post was about#both of the sides are forgetting fandom exists and sometimes will contradict canon#and ppl shouldn't get pissy over it! from either side! hnng#sometimes you'll disagree w a person. both of you shut up and have a civil fucking conversation#and don't spam ppl??? or send hate mail.?? ARG#those are like actual ppl behind those blogs ...stop being dicks to their face...you just disagree on something#again this goes for BOTH SIDES. both of you have got on my nerves. ily but god damn...#some of you make good arguments but it feels like you're arguing against different things#whether a hc is valid (yes) vs. whether it's likely canon/should be canon (no)#like??? so many ppl on both sides agree w that and they just??? keep fighting?? because the think the other side is against it?#hnnnng#i mean yeah some ppl have said the hc isn't valid which ugh shut up and i bet someone said it should be canon (personally disagree)#but just. my dash is full of people having miscommunication....tiring at this point
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the fact that people in power in this country care more about acting as if queer people are any risk at all to kids, instead of how often school shootings happen- makes me sick.
#the fact that kids can be scared to go to school because of: some random person coming with a gun#or that kids are scared to go to school for being bullied for who they are-#or scared of the adults that run it-#byt yeah lets go after the queer people who are just fighting to fucking live. who just want kids to know#that its ok to be who they are n its ok to be proud about it.#lets take resources away from kids who need it.#i'm so fucking tired of this country man. they dont care how many queer kids die- they dont care how many suffer#they dont give a shit about any child queer or not#this country fails us time n time again n then people act like we need to be so grateful for it#idk if i worded this well. rbs off because im just mad. and upset.#i want queer kids to be able to find joy in who they are with out fear. i want there to be places they can find#answers- i want them to be fucking safe.
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Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease i'm so tired of this experience happening to me
#jay talkin#GRAAAAAAAGH MENS CLOTHES SO ANNOYING WHY DONT YOU FIT RIGHT#anyway got mad that my leather gloves i've owned for ages dont fit cuz i have v small hands and mens sizes dont fit me#very annoying source of dysphoria is trying to fit my body into mens clothes that just do not come on sizes#that will fit on me. ITS DEEPLY ANNOYING its also hard 2 find mens rings in my size which is annoying me too#i'm gay and engaged let me have my big masculine ring PLEASE#anyway yeah need 2 MAKE my body fit sometime soon. pump t into my viens till i become a man who DOES fit#or at the least alleviate the dysphoria thats making me insecure about my smallness lol#i really wish there were more very masculine options for people who are slight built#i am tired of buying womens or kids options i wanna fit in mens clothes better PLEASE
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anyway I'm still struggling, still mentally & emotionally exhausted, and still just haven't got the brainpower for writing 🙃
#it took me longer than I'm willing to admit to even put that tiny hc post into words#so uhm. yeah replies & asks are still just not on the table and I'm sorry about that#I'm so mad bc I was getting caught up & I was doing well and now......... back to this adhgjsg#I'm so fucking tired dude I'm so adjgksh#why can't I just exist & function like a normal fucking person???#sorry for all my complaining on the dash I just. have nowhere else to put it#and even though I tell myself I shouldn't feel bad for being slow... I do. I feel a constant need to apologize & it's stupid#I think part of me is afraid that if I'm not active enough everyone will lose interest#which is ridiculous but after all the self reflection I've been doing this week it makes sense#anyway adjgksh sorry. ignore me ig I needed a teeny vent#here's hoping tomorrow is better#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.#negative cw#personal cw#tbd.
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uuuUUGHGHGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
#vents 🌧️#I'm so fucking MAD#I've been seeing SO many fucking valentines day drawings today and I wanted to join in so badly#but I have my stupid fucking homework#and my mom said that if I get my homework done I can have 'a few minutes' of time#A FEW FUCKING MINUTES#yeah. great. so I can make a shitty doodle that nobody bothers to interact with#on the ONE fucking day I was hoping to get some attention#is that selfish? yeah it absolutely is. but I don't care. everybody's so fucking sick of me in real life#is it so bad that I want everyone to see me here? everyone to tell me how good I'm doing#I just want people to tell me I'm doing a good job#I'm failing all my classes in school. I have a terrible social life. I fall asleep constantly and I'm never fun to be around irl#all my parents do is nag me to do the homework I have no willpower to do and yell at each other outside my door#I'm doing a really shitty fucking job in real life. maybe if I got some imaginary fucking internet points I'd feel a little better#I don't care if it's selfish. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel admired. I want everyone to see me and think I'm doing so good#I've got nothing else. art's the last thing I'm good at. it's so fucking over for me. this is it.#it's rock bottom isn't it? my meds still aren't working. my dad is relentless in his anger. my mom is at her wits end#my friends at school give me maybe half of the love I give them if I get really lucky#my teachers are so fucking tired of me#who the fuck gives a shit anymore. this all feels so fucking pointless#who cares about regents or sats or college or jobs or anything. that's it. I give up. this is it for me.#I don't know how it's supposed to get better.#I'm so fucking sorry. I'm liveblogging an absolute spiral on here. I'm so sorry#if you read all the way down to here.. I'm not in trouble. I'm not going to do anything bad. you don't have to worry about me.#I'm just. so. tired.#I should probably delete this later.
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i'd like to think ren would be just as frustrated as i am at our respective gacha games when they pull some ridiculous shit 🙁 makes it sting a little less kjsndkfj. both of us getting heated over a game's sudden turn from extremely fair to genuinely obnoxiously hard even for built accounts.
#📌 [ my posts. ]#hi i've been trying to beat arkn.ights sl-s-5 cm for the past 3 days straight <3 i'm tired <3#if this is the first event i don't 100% since uh early 2022? im gonna scream. i beat pinch out but the fucking sheep event does it????#and i know from cn server reviews that it's only gonna get worse over the next few months. YIPPEEEEE......#i'm trying not to get TOO heated though KJNSFKJn don't want the heart monitor to freak out and have to be like#'yeah no i wasn't doing any strenuous activity. i was just playing a phone game and got mad. yeah. :( '#✏️ [ my scenarios. ]
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You know what's funny?
I was there during the downfall of Boldbird Studios. I was in the community discord server and Lionbound server.
The head animator was a childhood online friend.
I reconnected with her for a bit. Didn't talk much afterwards.
So... I thought about applying to be a character designer. Never fell through because I am an anxious little bitch. So, I ended up just watching from sidelines.
I was also in the Indie-Creation server and met a lot of lovely indie creators and Bold deleted every single server and everything and I never got back in contact with them.
I didn't talk a lot in the server but I still enjoyed the servers. It was funny how fast it crumbled. How much all the employees were minors. How mismanaged it was.
How hard is it not fucking make an environment of minors not be inappropriate?!
Damn it's been months but I'm still hung up about this.
Run by a 19 year old wanting to be held accountable but when they are she turns tail and flees.
#boldbird studios#personal rant#I'm just so angry and tired#am I hung up about this? yeah..#I'm hung up and I never got closure and I'm mad at myself for getting too comfortable.#fuck dude I'm just... I'm just so mad at myself#I'm going to go take a nap or cry idk
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