#my teachers are so fucking tired of me
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uuuUUGHGHGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
#vents 🌧️#I'm so fucking MAD#I've been seeing SO many fucking valentines day drawings today and I wanted to join in so badly#but I have my stupid fucking homework#and my mom said that if I get my homework done I can have 'a few minutes' of time#A FEW FUCKING MINUTES#yeah. great. so I can make a shitty doodle that nobody bothers to interact with#on the ONE fucking day I was hoping to get some attention#is that selfish? yeah it absolutely is. but I don't care. everybody's so fucking sick of me in real life#is it so bad that I want everyone to see me here? everyone to tell me how good I'm doing#I just want people to tell me I'm doing a good job#I'm failing all my classes in school. I have a terrible social life. I fall asleep constantly and I'm never fun to be around irl#all my parents do is nag me to do the homework I have no willpower to do and yell at each other outside my door#I'm doing a really shitty fucking job in real life. maybe if I got some imaginary fucking internet points I'd feel a little better#I don't care if it's selfish. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel admired. I want everyone to see me and think I'm doing so good#I've got nothing else. art's the last thing I'm good at. it's so fucking over for me. this is it.#it's rock bottom isn't it? my meds still aren't working. my dad is relentless in his anger. my mom is at her wits end#my friends at school give me maybe half of the love I give them if I get really lucky#my teachers are so fucking tired of me#who the fuck gives a shit anymore. this all feels so fucking pointless#who cares about regents or sats or college or jobs or anything. that's it. I give up. this is it for me.#I don't know how it's supposed to get better.#I'm so fucking sorry. I'm liveblogging an absolute spiral on here. I'm so sorry#if you read all the way down to here.. I'm not in trouble. I'm not going to do anything bad. you don't have to worry about me.#I'm just. so. tired.#I should probably delete this later.
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<- god's wettest most pathetic most stressed most anxious beast btw
#i have a flight in 2 days and i hate airports they stress me out so much too many people *vine boom*#i lost my driver's license last month so i'm gonna have to get through the tsa without legal photo ID *vine boom*#the flight takes off at 7am meaning im gonna have to wake up at like 4 to get there *vine boom*#it also means i need to stay the night tomorrow with some family friends i barely know *vine boom*#so i need to do laundry and email teachers and shit Tonight *vine boom*#my ride busted a tire and got stranded in the middle of nowhere so now i have to worry abt his safety and also find a new ride *vine boom*#AND I'VE GOT A FUCKING LAB DUE TOMORROW#so now im just doing homework and daily tasks and whatnot walking around all chill like i dont feel like the most stressed being alive#conclusion: oh shit the Creature is back
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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I want to take a bite out of someone's arm but I'm too shy
#it's ok to reblog this post and ignore the rant in the tags I don't mind at all /gen#hi guys#got another load of trauma from school#and I am not dealing with it well at all my legs have been shaking so badly for 4 hours now#had a panic attack so bad that my face went numb and the edges of my vision went black and my legs gave way#I hate my teacher she's horrible god I can't even go into it here there's so much#I'm tired of getting abused at school I've been to half a dozen schools and have not gotten traumatised at ONLY ONE OF THEM#I have no adults I can go to about this#whenever I try to talk with her and the head teacher about the situation and why I'm fucking terrified of her she acts so patient and kind#whenever I'm alone with her she will yell at me about everything I'm doing wrong and continue yelling even when I'm in tears#she will berate me and put me down and insult me directly#when she gives feedback she always puts effort into making it hurt#the language she uses for negative feedback is never what a teacher should say it's always personal and uses your weaknesses to hurt you#I get really bad intrusive thoughts about her hurting me physically because of how terrified I am of her#the worst part is she acts nice and sweet whenever she's not picking apart my weaknesses and being cruel about my disabilities#I felt so sick after that I haven't eaten since#vent tw#trauma tw#listen to my gibberish boy#ggod I hate this school
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#tw vent#I am so. so tired#this week hit me like a freight train#I have final coursework to hand in in less than a week and I'm stressing because I was most definitely not given enough time to do it#and everything inside me is telling me I'm going to fail and I'm pretty sure my teachers think so as well#all my friends are high achievers who always get high grades and put their soul into their work and then there's me. Constantly failing#I try so hard but no matter what I do I never make any progress and I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck here#and that eventually my friends will move on academically and maybe socially and I'll be left behind and feel like a scared kid again#I can't go outside for a walk to try and calm myself down because I fucked up my ankle#and I got laid off one of my jobs which means I'm also stressing about being able to actually eat and on top of that I'm stressing about ->#getting another job because otherwise I can't eat or pay gas or shit#so I'm sat here in my room surrounded by work and I can't go outside and I can't leave my room because my roommate has friends around and#I just want to explode#I'm getting to the point where I'm just being unproductive because all I do is sit in bed and rot#and if I'm not doing that I'm working or I'm at school#and of course I can't even sleep. I can't even rest for a moment#this is shit man#so utterly shit#mel's thoughts
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trying to pre-order dawntrail the impossible challenge !!
also SORRY I'VE BEEN PANIC PLAYING 16 IN MY FREE TIME BC I NEED TO PLAY THE DLC I NEED TO I HAVE LIMITED TIME ( I did not own a ps5 at the time of release so I watched the 20 hour movie version 2000 times teehee )
I will reblog an ask meme when I find one that doesn't have too many love prompts??? LMAO.
You are ALWAYS allowed to turn asks into threads. I like them because starter calls are a bit hard for me! ♡
#「 out. 」#( BOTH SHADOWBRINGERS AND ENDWALKER WERE SO EASY TO PREORDER WHAT THE FUCK )#( I am holding my dad's ps5 hostage for LONGER )#( also it's standardized testing season so check on your teacher friends they;re probably tired and stressed )#( it's me im teacher friend who is stressed )
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I started volunteering in my friend’s kindergarten last month and like… I love these kids so much it’s unreal. They’re so sweet and weird! One of the kids drew me this killer Mario art and I’m gonna frame it and hang it on my wall.
#bonewhiteglory.jpeg#helper teacher#as my friend christina dubbed me#i’m really really happy i can sit down one-on-one with the kids who are struggling with a new concept#i mean this very genuinely: it is my dream to spend several minutes helping them understand that 5 is not greater than 5#there’s a lot to learn!! it’s kind of overwhelming#i am notoriously patient and kind. people frequently tell me i have big kindergarten teacher vibes#i’ve been there long enough that i’m getting a good sense of all the kids’ personalities#i have mixed feelings abt posting anecdotes on the internet bc idk privacy etc etc but seriously look at how great this art is!!!#thank fuck i can turn off reblogs.#i’m gonna frame this and hang it over my desk :3#i had no idea 5 year olds were SO BOSSY. it’s great! they’re explaining the rules to me and they’re very patient with me#i’m getting to know kids from the other classes too. i do yard/lunch duty as well. not much $ but it’s sufficient for my needs#anyway… that’s my story#at great length. dunno why i put all this in the tags and not the actual post but lbr i’m mad tired#oh yah i’m happy to share stories in DMs once i get over my social anxiety shit.
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I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao
#ive been running around stuck on Babysitter Duty for the past three days and the teacher only gave us any instructions on thursday yet#somehow expected a full paper done and edited by sunday. even if i wasnt stuck on babysitter duty she'd get a shitty paper just due to how#little TIME that is to get things done. but because i am on babysitter duty uhhh..... well so far there's no paper#ive been spending practically full days having to take care of my sister and i cant just Ignore Her so i havent done my paper while watchin#her because again: my focus needs to be on Her. and shes incredibly loud which makes it super hard to focus. fun combo /s#so i was like 'i'll just stay up Really Late and do it then' but that hasn't worked because my sister WONT GO TO BED if im awake. i was up#until 4am last night hoping she'd fall asleep and shut up and i could work but Nope!#and then i got too tired to even care anymore#i've tried explaining this to others and they're just like 'ok well you just need to find a way to make it work :/' which is very much#easier said than done! and im scared about this paper because this teacher doesnt accept late work at all for pretty much any reason#and im sure she wont understand my situation. because shes also the teacher that didnt understand that i didnt have the textbook on time#because it was still being shipped and i dont control the rate at which book ships and she was like#'..........okay well you still need to have the book by tomorrow at least <3' when i told her the book had Just shipped and idk when i'd ge#the dumb thing. so yknow i dont have high hopes about this#also just as extra 'make stuff more difficult' i have zero accommodations because my mom cant keep track of my fucking IEPs and they wont#let me have accommodations unless i have that and idk how to get a copy anymore. so i've also been running around with no help in that area#and it's not great </3#idk im just stressed out and frustrated and i Want To Cry :)#vent
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School is draining any small motivation I had for art
or creativity in general
(tw: I got pretty much depressive in the tags but I needed to dump this somewhere and this may not be the best place but is where I feel better talking about my problems or insecurities, so feel free to ignore)
#vent in the tags#tw vent#i'm tired#and I hate that I'm tired#everytime I try to finish education is worst than the last time. my head can't take any sort of information from the class#no matter how many times they try to explain me or how many times I read and reread the same text#I can't focus. I can't memorize anything. I'm just sitting there in the classroom waiting for the 4 hours to finish to go back home#and spend the rest of the night just doing nothing. staring at the walls or doomscrolling till I have to go to bed and wake up again#for another day of fighting against an stupid anxiety attack in class because I'm going to fail this again#I hate school. I fucking hate it. the most boring stressing overwhelming way of learning#having the teacher talk for 1-2 hours straight and the student listening the whole time not saying anything is stupid#it's so fucking stupid they only want them to be mindless sheeps that only listen#because if you say anything 'no. you're wrong. I'm the teacher and I know better' fucking bullshit#this system is bullshit#and how am I supposed to study a whole school year of history. biology. math etc in less than 4 months??#everybody was like#'oh it's just 4 months and you'll be out of school!' 'in 4 months you'll get the education!' 'you can finish this in just 4 months!'#I fucking can't! I can't do this in such short time! I can't. focus. on 6. subjects at the same time. my brain can't!#and it's so fucking depressing. I have 4 opportunities to finish this. the longest it could take me is 2 years#I could just focus on 1 or 2 things each time but if I fail too many times I won't have another opportunity like this ever again#and I won't be able to finish highschool education and I. just. can't.#I'm tired of giving my biggest effort and not being enough. I'm tired of getting no satisfaction from any achievement I get#I hate so many things right now#and I have a lot more things in my head right now but I better shut up#you don't have to comfort me. it's ok. I'm not searching for confort. I just needed a place to dump my frustration or something#idk#you can ignore this#I might delete this later
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Picture this:
Its Friday 5-6th period the first week after Easter holidays and you have only slept about 1 hour.
Your physics teacher is yapping about a new topic wich you don't understand since your tired.
You prop your head up on your hand so it's more comfortable.
You don't even realize you slept in.
You sleep for about fifteen minutes.
You wake up to the whole class (including the teacher) looking at you.
One student yells: "Why is she allowed to sleep but I'm not?!"
Your gf looks him dead in the eyes and replays: "Maybe because she has better grades then you" and then turns to you: "You can go back to sleep. Mr *my teachers name* allowed you to"
You continue to sleep for the rest of the lesson.
After the lesson ended your teacher calls you over and asks you why your so tired.
You explain you just haven't been feeling well and therefore couldn't sleep.
He just nods and says he hopes I'll feel better and that I shouldn't worry so much.
Best teacher in the world. Holy fuck.
#school#physics#teacher#sleeping in class#mentally unstable#mentally fucked#exhausted#tired#Imagine worrying about school so much you can't fucking sleep#He is godsend omfg I needed that sleep so much#He literally told me it's fine but I should talk to a professional about it.#My next appointment with my therapist is in a month#And honestly I don't think I'll be able to live that long :(#That was a bad joke I'm sorry
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no two words made me so happy before
#brb sobbing in the corner#still can't believe it#and the subjects i got were fucking horrible i almost threw myself out of the window#i never believed i could bullshit so much#even if most of it came down to very tired professors who were fond of me#being a teacher's pet has its definite perks that i am not ashamed of using#i needed this diploma more than my dignity anyway#to recite the great roy kent: fuuuuuuuuuuck#personal
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even when i've been pimo for years it still hurts that i really can't feel safe at church. like it's not an option
today's seminary lesson was very much about gay and trans people and being the only visibly queer person in the room. i genuinely didn't feel safe. and this has happened so many times over the years but it still stings. and i'm tired.
i finally feel comfortable in my body and present masc but then i have to wear a dress every sunday and we're back to square one
#vent#i love how i look most of the time and i can sometimes pass as male but i go to church and i feel everyone staring at my hairy legs and i#just feel so gross.#im so tired i hate church i especially hate seminary#my seminary teacher is so fucking annoying and homophobic and all our classes he makes me move to the front#(despite my 504) cause we need to read scriptures with a partner#its so fucking infuriating im always tempted to skip class
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Just listened back to a drunk voice note I sent Kofi on Saturday and holy shit you guys nobody told me how bad I lisp when I'm drunk
Literally most of the time the remnants of my childhood lisp are like. a slight softness/buzz on sibilant sounds. In this message it's a full on eth. "That thoundth nithe." there's even like. emphasis on the eth. I sound like a cartoon character. Don't get me wrong it's adorable. wild though. I literally didn't even notice when I was recording it that I was stumbling on the sibilances.
All I can thay is I'm thoooooo lucky that I'm the twin they gave a name containing an eth, not the twin they gave a name beginning with S. "Ruth" is a blessing to a child with a pronounced lisp. "Lisp", by the way, is not.
#red said#hi my name is ruth thedreadvampy and it took me over a decade to learn to speak while keeping my tongue off the back of my teeth#i remember finding it SO FRUSTRATING as a kid. i never had speech therapy cause it was never like. unintelligible. just noticeable.#but i hated it so much i was so embarrassed by it and mum and my siblings would be like JUST KEEP YOUR TONGUE CLEAR OF YOUR TEETH#and i was like I CAN'T THATTH IMPOTHIBLE!!!! WHERE IS IT MEANT TO GO WHERE IT ITHNT CONTACTING MY TEETH????#anyway i largely lost the list by secondary school but it still pops up if I'm drunk or tired or talking too fast#which implies it still requires An Amount of attention to get an S sound out I've just successfully sublimated it#but hahaha it's SO exaggerated in this voice clip i cannot BELIEVE I was fully unaware of it#also. I've just realised. i was this precocious little girl with big round glasses freckles pigtails and an adorable lisp#i was a fucking sitcom child. help. adorably toddling up to adults and telling them solemnly in a soft lisp about emotional health#recontextualising all my memories of interactions as a child around the fact that i was literally the goddamn#schmaltzy Hollywood sentimental image of idealised childhood. you know uhhhh what's her name? in Matilda? the blonde girl with pigtails?#'my mommy says they're cute'? THAT fuckin kinda voice and demeanour and also you are my teacher and I'm 4 and i keep correcting your maths#unbearable.
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I miss when things actually meant things.. Back in the day, relationships actually meant relationships. Love actually meant love. But now.. it's just what people classify things as things that are Ultimately useless and pointless. Getting to know people, actually meant getting to know people without any ulterior motives or at least not as much as now. Now everything's a game, of how to play people, who can manipulate better.. like what the fuvk? What is the fucking point anymore? Why even bother? It's all a waste of time.
#there is no point anymore. no one cares and no one tries. no one tries to actually be themselves. no on tries in putting in effort.#if someone does the bare minimum its groundbreaking. and thats fucking sad. things were supposed to evolve but it just disintegrated.#im not meant to be in this generation.#everyone is so close minded and brainwashed into thinking stupidity. no one thinks for themselves anymore.#everything is failing.#and i have to exist and watch it happen because its everywhere and you cant get away from it.#i wish i had an endless supply of drugs to ignore it.. but whats the point of that? because at the end of the day nothing changes.#and then once the drugs wear off.. it all hits me twenty times harder..#and its only way to not want to kill myself.. but theres no reason to be here and endure this shit.#my mother shouldve drowned me harder 😔#everything is curated to what you want to see. to what you want to believe. its all just fake.#i despise the promiscuous posts ive put out when i feel the complete opposite.. and yet im deluded enough to think why shit doesnt#doesnt work out for me? I think.. im so accustomed to not being believed and never taken seriously and felt as if i did that#its like my way of saying “youre right” but now im doing it and really making it a reality that can no longer be taken back.#whats done is done. whats happened has happened. and now i cant seem to care about much of anything anymore..#all because the people who were supposed to help.. didn't. the Teachers. the Principals. the Doctors. the Therapists. the Psychiatrists.#the Attorneys. the Judges. “Child Protective Services” and so many more. just didn't fucking care or try. until it was already too late#and the damage had been done.#im so fucking tired..
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#ive been so incredibly tired and depressed lately#ive fail the past three years in school. like how do you fuck up that bad#my mum is on constant calls to the psych ward trying to get me admitted#they wont take me though because im apparently not mentally ill enough#the only person i can really go to is my fucking maths teacher from last year#literally everyone in my class knows about my sh and mental issues its so embarrassing#i hate living like this#i wish i could end it but i care too much#:(
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Me when I haven’t even started my finals yet and already get bombarded by people telling me I’m basically jobless and broke already and only gonna live on social benefits if I don’t start collecting job offers RIGHT THIS MOMENT like. brother I’m so burnt out, the old pans in the kitchen cabinet got nothing on me and if I have to face one more thing connected to graphic design when I’m done with this, I’m going to spontaneously combust
#vent tw#I’m so fucking tired man#I wanted to retake the year okay. I talked to my teachers and everything#everyone has been fucking telling me not to#and in the end I kept going because honestly. the only thing I could handle less than those finals right now#is to live at home for another year#I don’t Even Care about how I get through this anymore I just wanna be done with it#which is such a fucking shame because I was having an amazing time at this school until my health went to shit
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