#i’m not scared of change anymore
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the wonders of amber
glowing amber onto my skin
it’s somehow in her eyes too
the way her hair catch fire
heartbeats slow in light aqua blue
i know her
now
the stars
tell how
what beauty can i take in?
calling to my soul akin
admire
admiring
that’s all i need
to love gently
platonically
never feeling to feed
i can feed myself
she’s there on my shelf
sitting in her own little world
free to leave & grow & twirl
never sealed by snow globes
i couldn’t dream
of caging screens
or chains that bind rove
free
be free
sweet shooting star
i have love for you here
i have love for you far
it’s an honor
just to gaze
for time near celestial spectacles
are brief phases
& the sweetness lasts
for days & dayzes
never truly gone
in burning light of amber dawn
it’s somehow in the sky too
#journal#me#poetry#summer’s end#change of seasons#admiration#i’m not scared of change anymore#i feel so whole#when something leaves i don’t feel a piece of me go with it anymore#i’m happy for the time#i’m happy for the next adventure#i’m happy for the present
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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal
#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept#i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them#if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens#i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it#i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut#it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair#my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking#if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back#if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off#ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal#but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends#i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens#and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too#since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out#i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now#now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that#i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill#in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it#my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes#sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested#i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore#i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world
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god I am so TIRED of being a model minority sometimes
#sorry for being serious on main but like#I really am tired of having to deal with all this in a calm and professional manner#block and move on.#leave the room.#laugh awkwardly.#do their jobs for them. because they’re determined to hurt people who can’t help themselves#don’t you dare stop smiling.#that’s Fighting.#They can say R***rded.#They can talk loudly about how they want you gone.#They can tell you they want you to see them naked#They can call you a bitch#They can get reported over and over and over again. and nothing changes#but god forbid you don’t sound nice anymore#god forbid you only say ‘ok’#that’s fucking Fighting.#disagreeing makes you a bitch who ‘needs to defend themselves’ and therefore isn’t Right and doesn’t matter#and saying nothing means ‘yes’#‘secretly you are right all along’#go to hell.#vent post#I need to take more pride in the conservatives who are scared of me fuck them#ok I’m normal again. very
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Ohhh I’m not the Alex Turner of this relationship I’m Alexa Chung
#I think we have to break up like#I keep trying to be positive abt it but she’s going to weigh me down on this move I can tell like she hasn’t once said she’s excited for me#or anything just how she’s going to miss me and like I’ve tried communicating how fucking big of a change this is going to be and how a LDR#is going to be hard and how I’m not going to be able to just come see her at the drop of a hat anymore and like#I just don’t think she gets it#like at all#the age difference and emotional maturity gap is really showing herself tonight#just talked myself in circles abt it for an hour w my best friend and her roomie and like I think I will have to#like we were at her place earlier tn and talking abt flights and her spring break is like a week after I move in#and I’m like in my head like I don’t want you coming out there so soon like I won’t even be settled or unpacked yet#like I’ve spent so much energy focusing on my move and how it will be good for myself personally bc I have to and I’m scared to do it#like I do not have the bandwidth to handhold you through this at the same time I need you to grow up or this won’t work#Augh#personal#mine
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I say this every day but. When can I just be okay.
#I know I’m on meds now that are changing my brain#but god. I don’t feel like myself anymore#I cannot be myself anymore because of my therapist’s guidelines#I feel like an empty shell#every little thing scares me#when can things just go back to normal again#I miss it all
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it’s so weird to be unconditionally loved by people and that i’m someone they want to be around often. it’s hard to “understand” a person’s reasons for loving me that much but maybe my problem is i don’t need to understand it in the first place and rather just accept it for what it is.
#let me be vulnerable in the tags real quick#i’m reflecting on all my past friendships and a lot of them ended because i always had one foot out of the door#some of them i had a right to do so but it still feels shitty bc i know what it’s like to be on the other end of a relationship like that#and i don’t want my future and current relationships to be like that anymore but it feels so instilled me to separate myself#to be alone and to not ask for help and to not open up about my life and to stay distant#like i have friends that love me so much and i always feel like there’s this wall i’ve built between us to protect myself#but the thing is what is it i’m so scared of and what am i protecting myself from? especially from people who have shown nothing but love#i always find a reason to leave and it’s not something i’m proud of and idk all i can do is change#ik it’s childhood shit and bpd and whatnot but girl help i need to break the pattern
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I get SO many ads for honkai star rail and genshin impact lol. Like I already play genshinnnnnn leave me ALONE I’m already HERE!!!!!! Tbh I want to play honkai also but like genshin already hogs so much space on my computer idk if I can OUGH maybe someday lol
#Watchin a vid on the art and tech of genshin and it’s very fun#As a vfx artist in gamedev I love looking at genshins fx like they’re SOOOOO pretty#And such a good inspiration#Really really good ref for my own work#So many games I’m like damn I’d kill to work on that game but they are not made in my country lol#Anyway I’ve been in a funk in many different areas rn but like#Trying to re discover my passion for vfx / tech art#My job has me in a stagnant situation =_= so. Trying to remember what I love#To work on my portfolio again#Help my partner with the fx for his game#Maybefindnewjoblol#They have had nothing for us to do at work and I am not learning much here anymore#I need. CHANGE 🕺🕺🕺#But there have been more layoffs in my field again ……. So I am scared lol#gamedev. Love hate relationship lol
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I wish I had the wonder and kindness that I used to
#I’ve become so jaded. I’m only a teenager and yet I mourn who I used to be#because not even that long ago I would go out of my way to be kind to people and to be positive and sweet and lovely#and now. I’m just a dick who’s constantly fed up with people#shoutout to aura and nyx for watching the transformation real time and not hating me for it#I’m now the person in the mutual group that’s rude and intimidating when that used to be who I was scared of and never wanted to be#I’m barely even sure how it happened#i don’t wanna be mean. i want to love people and make them happy and be pleasant. but my current disposition and the way I think of things -#-now has completely changed and it’s just not. idk. natural anymore? idk. it’s weird#i think I’m going insane
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Tw: mentions of ed
The main audience for fan fiction is the author first and foremost. Write what you want to write because at the end of the day, someone will always have problems with it. It could be the purest thing on earth and someone will go "oH bUt I cAnT ReLaTe-" or "tHaTs OuT oF cHaRaCtEr"
It's fiction. With fictional characters. Not everyone will be able to relate. Not everyone wants to relate. Relating to something is perfectly fine and makes the experience even better (depending on some aspects - going extreme here, but it's not healthy to relate to a scene where a character enjoys hurting ppl or animals out of cruelty and for enjoyment ex. bullying someone irl)
But just because you don't relate to it doesn't mean others can't enjoy it. Also why did you have to bring ED into this lmao? There are different types not just ppl who starve themselves, so idk why you're brining this up anon. Idk how that makes your statement true? It's fine to be upset that your fav author doesn't write for a certain thing anymore but that doesn't give you the right to bash them for it.
And don't generalize everyone in that echo chamber of yours (when you called every ED victim fat phobic) - I just know you're in a community that thinks just like that. It's good to see outside of that chamber anon otherwise you're always going to be narrow minded. Saying as someone who used to think just like that <3
As I said earlier, the audience for fan fiction is the author first and foremost. If you have a problem, block, unfollow, simple as that.
It's up to you to post this or not, but just wanna say you should continue to write what you want to and take care of yourself ❤
posting it because It’s important 2 mi and I want everyone to see 💗💗💗 thank u so much u have no idea how insanely thoughtful this is
#𝑚𝑎𝑖𝑙𝑏𝑜𝑥 ๑ ꒱ྀི#I was scared to open the message at first bcuz I was kinda preparing myself in case it was smthn colorful lolol#but m glad tht it turned out to be a super encouraging message#ik lots of ppl r just rlly vocal abt these topics nd it’s difficult to talk abt#but at the end of everything ppl change our bodies chanhe our feelings change#and writing will reflect tht#idm writing chubby reader at all but it’s just not smthn I center my writing around anymore#nd thts it rlly#nd like u said nonnie#if ur not cool with that it’s ok ^_^ I only want dis blog to bring ppl joy#and disordered ppl r everywhere and we r so different with our own stories#pls don’t assume we r all discriminatory#I feel like I’ve also been super transparent#I write for me and I just want 2 share tht 💗#thank u sm anon I’m doing my best to care of myself#I hope you’re doing the same . U are wonderful#tw: ed
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i feel so envious when i see people with top scars and then i wonder what i would look like with them but then i feel like my tits are the best part of my body
#i feel like i also have like figured out what looks vaguely good on me and like#i learnt makeup so i feel like i have finally figured out how to be a girl in some ways#but also whenever i see top scars i am filled with such yearning#sometimes i’m like man i wonder if i just got breast cancer and thenni would#have an excuse to chop these off without the social drawbacks#ALSO i do not want to socialize like a man at all i can’t like#but also im just so scared for what people might say#and i don’t want to go into the pit again of feeling like unattractive like if T somehow like#i don’t know#makes changes i don’t like#i don’t even know anymore tbh#i wish i could like actually know what i am i remember asking like the equiv of gsa at my uni#like the trans ppl there how they knew they were trans and they gave me such mixed answers#which makes sense but i dont like that i wish i knew definitively#self image
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sometimes i think about everyone i knew when i was younger and how they have a memory of me who isn’t me anymore. how am i supposed to cope with the idea of me as a little girl running around in the minds of everyone i used to know. i want to dig my nails into those memories and scratch her out of every image and every video that could get played in the brains of those remembering who i was before i turned into the person i am now
#i’ve moved around so much and with each love i reinvented myself#but it wasn’t until college that i stopped trying to recreate someone else and started figuring out who i was#the little girl who lived in texas isn’t me anymore#the little girl who lived in mass isn’t me anymore#the girl who lived in cali isn’t me#i hate that there is nothing i can do to change the memories of those i don’t know anymore#i’ve tried so hard to cling onto every version of me cause they led me here but right now i feel nothing but resent#why did i have to take such a long journey and meet people who can’t stay around long enough to see who i am now#im scared i’ll feel the same way when i’m older about who i am now
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Well how do I move on from this
#I really truly hope that the world is kinder#and more understanding and gentler#I just can’t do this anymore#if only you knew how much I just can’t move on maybe there’d be far kinder words to be said#but I am glad I was able to show you love and make you feel comfortable and special I really am.#at least I hope I was able to do that#at least I hope I was#what is happening to me guys I’m turning into something else#and all of eveyrthing has changed me so much and I’m scared of who I’m becoming and where I’m going#we all just want love we want to be loved and looked after and truly cared for#I know that but maybe I am just meant to observe#nothing at all absolutely nothing will stop any of this and so it’s time for me to stop clinging#stop clinging not only to this but to any sort of hope for myself#and give my life away at least so others can feel better however little I can
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If only 16 year old girl me could see me now, FaceTiming my ultimate teacher crush as an adult and talking about gender and sex and he tells you his marriage is non-monogamous
#why would he say that do you think#actuall it’s been long enough that we’re approaching being eachothers longest standing friendship#that’s so sad but also slay#I can’t help it I need to tag the girlies I’m scared to look if there’s even a teacher crush community anymore#I’m sure times have changed#I hope#anyway#teacher crush#tc#teacher crush community#tcc#tccblr#I’ve never seen that tag omg slay#tc community#teacher crush confession#fnskkgnfsj#HE WANTS ME SO BAAAAAADDDDD imagine if I told people he’s cucked actually for real that’s literally what they already say
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I think I may be a little odd
#I’ve been thinking about like everything/neg/pos/breakdown inducing#and I think I’m mentally I’ll#like yeah no shit but also it’s very clear#I literally got out of breath the other day talking about wolves and Yellowstone bc I was talking so fast about them#also have very wild mood swings paired with abandonment issues constant shame for ppl caring about me and trauam over friendships bc#so many have gone wrong and I’ve been forever changed or abandoned (both in one case)#I mean I met this girl at a school meet and she just reminded me of a person who hurt me. they had the same same mannerisms looked similar#besides the hair and I had a full panic attack. I feel bad about that she probably was really nice#or how I feel sick just thinking about the local park bc it’s where I was forced to hang out with a ex friend that wrecked me#such a mixing bowl of bad traits#I can focus I can’t remember I’m either too lazy or too hyper to stay still I can’t regulate tone well and scare myself constantly just by#talking. relationships always end in a burning bridge even when they were so good bc I get so paranoid and scared they’ll leave that I leave#myself. jumping to crazy conclusions to the point I start hallucinating due to stress#I mean how do I even explain to my therapist that my only good friends ended with me skipping school the last days bc I thought one died.#she actually just left school early.#that one I kinda get even tho it’s fucking nuts bc tjat year has mentally burned me so goddamn much but still#and even tho I’ve kinda had a constant itch that something completely explains why I’m this way but am too scared to bring it up bc of#change and trauma related to bringing up my own mental health#I don’t even know what thsi is anymore sorry#should just shut up and sleep#I’ll be fine by morning anyways so what does it even fucking matter#ruse rambles#vent tag
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this is so stupid actually why am i 22 years old and still scared of going back to school……. 😞 pls b nice to me
#idk for some reason the back to school anxiety is stronger than ever this time#maybe it’s because it’s my last year and after i graduate it’s just unemployment and slavery#what do i have to look forward to 😵💫#and also because the world is entering the post pandemic phase (kinda)#things r changing at a phase i can’t quite keep up with#part of me still wants to be huddled under the blankets in my room with the world quiet and still outside#but that’s not possible anymore T^T and it’s probably selfish of me to want that#sigh i’m just… so scared idk what to do#sobbles bobbles#tmi tuna#delete later
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.
#it is so hard being scared of my own body#like everyone thinks the problem with migraines is the pain#and at least for me it’s really not#pain’s pain it sucks but you cope#I’m not scared of things hurting I’m scared of losing function#I can’t walk up stairs I can’t say words right I can’t drive I can’t think I can’t balance#that’s what scares me shitless#losing the ability to do what I need or want to do#and my migraines are getting worse and worse#and if they keep getting worse I don’t know what I’ll do#I’m running out of options and I’m not a teenager anymore#and I had almost four fucking years with this mostly under control so I know what I’m losing now#and I just thought the word remission for the first time and god fuck no#I can’t do this but I have to#fuck fuck fuck fuck#and I’m scared because like#we never found out the cause before there was nothing wrong in my brain#but this is getting worse and worse and what changed#is there something now???#god it feels like I’ve just had four years of intense effort at management flushed down the drain#drugs and lifestyle changes and generally reshaping my whole life#and it’s not working anymore.
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