this is so stupid actually why am i 22 years old and still scared of going back to school……. 😞 pls b nice to me

Weekly Update

It’s a privilege to write about personal shit this week.

There’s not much I can add to the conversation about the election, suffice to say it was both better and worse than expected, and I’m glad that society isn’t immediately collapsing, at least this week.

Which is to say I’ve never been so glad to focus on my stupid, deeply low-stakes life updates. Obviously, the future is still uncertain and there will be plenty of work to do in the days and years ahead, but a week ago, I wasn’t certain if I’d be witness to a reality where questions like “how did a week of not drinking go” and “what are you playing” still matter.

So without further ado...

It was a challenging week, obviously.

Not just the election- I’m talkin’ for like- EVERYTHING. Home life. Work life. Creative life. I could go on. You get the idea.

I went on full blown quarantine as of last Friday after learning a member of my household may have covid. You wouldn’t think it was much of a change from my normal every day, but man, I did not realize just how many little things were working together to keep my sanity together.

A short list- weekend walks to pick up morning coffee, Friday night carry-out sushi and pizza, my weekly groceries at the co-op, and most importantly- trips to the weight room- all suddenly off the table until testing results come in. 

In my state, testing often requires booking at least 3 days in advance, and it can take another 3-4 days just to get results back. Luckily, everyone in my home works remotely, so this doesn’t put us out too bad. I can’t imagine now non-remote workers manage. Even so, having to toss all the precious little things I’d managed to keep despite the pandemic stung. I even had to put my wrestling watch parties on hold- they took place on Discord, but one of my friends would normally come over to watch. 

I’ve worked through a lot of huffy anger and annoyance over the course of the past few days. Losing my ability to get to the gym as the weather turns especially hurts. As a weight lifter, I’m pretty reliant on what the gym offers. Early into the pandemic I got a lot of folks snidely telling me to go lift paint cans. I resisted the temptation to tell them they could in turn pay for my back surgery. Thanks to the pandemic I’ve learned that the gym is actually a need for me, emotionally and physically. Losing it, even for a week, feels awful. I can’t wait to get back to it. 

Until then, jogging and biking will have to suffice.

One positive- I’ve gone a week without drinking!

Based on my tracking, that’s actually the longest I’ve since June, which is nuts.

Predictably, I have gained weight. Because no good deed goes unpunished. 

I don’t know if I’d say I notice any life-changing effects yet. For all I know, my body is still adjusting to the sudden absence of all the shit it’s normally used to working in overdrive to break down.

A few things I’ve noticed- my runs are going slightly better, I can stay up later working on games or creative endeavors, and I’m actually experiencing REM cycles again- meaning I’m dreaming, and dreaming vividly. I also get incredibly hungry around 10:30 every night- because, surprise!- that’s when I’d normally sit down with a beer or glass of sake. So I’m working on finding ways around that.

I can’t say I’ve felt a huge urge to drink. I occasionally wonder when, or indeed if, I’ll grab a glass of beer again any time soon. But beyond that, it’s been pretty easy to lay off. The fatigue alone was just such a pain to work through, not to mention the way a glass of beer would just kinda pin me into place for the rest of the night. I like how active my brain is now in the late hours.

But I do watch a lot less anime now :(

On that note, here’s what I’ve been playing lately!

Outer Worlds (XBONE)

So, you probably missed it last post- probably ‘cuz I forgot to write about it in my first draft, but I wrote about my Total Kill Run that I just wrapped up in Outer Worlds. 

The short and dirty version for those of you who can’t be bothered to go back and read- I tried to do a run where I killed every NPC in Outer Worlds, a space RPG from the Obsidian, and instead got sidetracked with completing the nefarious Board’s story and ended up doing a Board run instead. 

I was surprised by how humor and wit the game brings to its commentary on your wanton slaughter. The devs were not bluffing when they said you could kill anyone and anything in Outer Wilds and they even prepared a few nice moments in anticipation that some players would try.

I was disappointed to find that the Board’s mission- and indeed, some of the progression points I followed on my own go-it-alone-and-kill-everything story, mirrored the Good Guy story beat-for-beat, basically shrugging and saying “well, you’re gonna do this anyway, like it or not”. At several given points you can kill everyone you like- but you’ll still have to find that keycard, access that terminal, or visit that far off map point now matter how hard you try to get out of it.

I was finally struck by how little I missed. I skipped A LOT of stuff- almost every sidequest and all the companion quests. And you know what? I had a fine time. I might even say I had a better time. So much time in Outer Wilds is devoted to fetching, traveling, and sitting in load screens. Turns out you do less of all of that when you just go guns blazing into every civilized map.

Some friends earlier this week were talking about revisiting old Bethesda-style RPGs like Fallout: New Vegas and Skyrim. It got me thinking about whether or not I would bother doing that myself any time soon. It’s true those are better games than Outer Worlds. But if the point of Outer Worlds is to echo those positive experiences so closely...what does my recent experience say about the source of that reflection?

Just a thought I’m chewing on. I don’t have a good answer. But feel free to HMU if you have your own thoughts!

NeoGeo Arcade Stick Pro- Art of Fighting, Samurai Shodown, Fatal Fury, World Heroes 2

Friday night I sat down at my desk, dimmed the lights and hooked up my NeoGeo Arcade Stick Pro. On my second monitor, I brought up move lists for King of Fighters ‘95 and started my fighting game learning journey.

I did OK, in my opinion. I stuck to just learning the hero team- Kyo, Daimon, and Benimaru. I even managed to trigger a few level 1 supers. I think I could safely beat the average player at an arcade now- but there’s definitely plenty of system I came nowhere close to learning all the ins and outs. However, after trying out a few subsequent KOF games, it seems like my learning should transfer forward.

I also tried out a few other games on the stick. Art of Fighting and Fatal Fury aren’t games I’ve had prior exposure to. In my experience, they seemed a little slower than KOF. The command lists were definitely shorter. Samurai Shodown was absolutely gorgeous and felt really, really good to play. I could see getting really into it. 

My big highlight was World Heroes 2, which I ended up playing most of the night. It’s a bit sillier than the previously noted titles, but it has a really fun roster and a good, medium-sized move list that isn’t too taxing to remember. I had seen some of the characters, like Johnny Maximum, on the Spriteclub roster, so it was cool to see them in their native environment.

Overall, the Arcade Stick Pro is holding up nicely. The stick itself is solid, and the deck is a natural fit on my lap or desktop. I’m not noticing any serious input lag and the buttons seem really responsive. Of all my retro consoles, this might become one of my favorites.

Endless Space 2

AMPLITUDE’s 4x sci-fi has entered hallowed realms of my “Games I will Be Playing 20 Years From Now” list. A massive, sprawling turn-based strategy about managing a spacefaring empire, Endless Space 2 is great for those weeks where I want to play a 4X that I can resolve within 20 hours.

For my most recent run, I once again took up my favored faction, the Riftborn. Every game is a learning experience, so this time around I was determine to try and tackle the massive and deeply inconvenient quests that Endless Space 2 mercilessly slews at you every_damn_turn.

I was mostly successful. I didn’t finish my faction’s quest, but I did complete the Academy quests. Throughout every game the Academy looms as this impartial faction that hires out heroes and provides boons to those who donate resources to it. In the endgame, the Academy offers a quest that forces every active civilization to choose sides regardless of existing alliances. Depending on the results, the last phases of Endless Space 2 can look very different

I finished the questline, unlocked a cool cinematic and learned that next time I should definitely not ignore those quests, however obnoxious they might be. The faction buffs earned from successful completion are....pretty wild.

Sunless Skies

Another week, another dead captain in Sunless Skies. This captain had a particularly long run- I had managed about...15 hours with him before losing him to some enemies that I was not at all prepared to fight. Death comes quick in Sunless Skies- a single bad decision can lead to swift death.

This run I at least managed to bank a ton of valuable supplies and upgrade my engine. My next captain will have a better shot as a result. I’m not sure when I’ll pick the game back up. After a particularly long run I usually take a long break- weeks or even months. We’ll just see what happens.

Pokemon Shield

I’ve finally, FINALLY beaten the endgame of Pokemon Shield. At least, I think I have. I’m sure there’s a few more things to do here or there, but for the most part, I think I’m done. I beat the champion and saw the credits roll. There’s some DLC to visit and more ‘mon to catch, but mostly, I’m done.

I had the opportunity to take care of some trade evolutions and partake in a friendly battle with a friend. It was the first time I’ve done that since...I kid you not...the playground in 5th grade.

It was...really fun?

I’m a deeply casual pokemon player. I don’t search for shiny ‘mon or suss out perfect numbers. I just use who I think looks cool and I try to keep type and consideration in mind. As a result, my friend and I had to agree on some ground rules for average levels- but the result was a compelling match.

I found myself afterwards making plans for another battle night. This tends to happen in November- I get really into Pokemon again for a few weeks. Historically, this is ‘cuz I’m normally traveling a lot for the holidays. That won’t be true this year, but old habits die hard.

Maybe I’ll even bust out my 3DS again soon. Who knows?

Quest 2: Revisited

Last week, I posted some thoughts about the Oculus Quest 2. I’ve spent another week with the headset, testing some new features and trying some more involved experiences. I’m happy to report my thoughts on the machine are still positive.

If anything, my impressions are MORE positive than before. My eyes have grown used to the world of VR. I’ve found a setting on the out-of-box headstrap that I don’t hate. And I’m finding more experiences than I initially suspected I might.

I’ve had a change to run the Link option, for instance, which allows you to use your Quest 2 as a Rift. It’s actually pretty seamless, requiring only a good desktop and a USB cable. My cable seemed to suffer from some bad speeds, so my experience was pretty laggy, but with an approved cable, I have no doubt the Quest 2 could handle just about anything you throw at it.

I finished Superhot, and have only raving reviews to offer. It is a perfect introduction to all the Quest 2 can do. Given limited space, Superhot places you in do-or-die situations where you must dodge, duck and shoot your way through enemies. When you move- time movies- so you will often find yourself forced to take stock of your surroundings before making your next step.  

It is sharp, offers a great mix of puzzle solving and brisk action, and even serves as an ad-hoc workout. Picking it up with your Quest 2 is a must.

Encouraged by Superhot, I gave Job Simulator a try. It is a zany VR experience that humorously simulates a number of white collar job environments. It is short, funny, and with no shortage of silly interactions. I spent several minutes in my digital office cube shooting staples into neighboring cubes and giggling at the angry responses of my co-workers. WHO THREW THAT. STAND UP.

Finally, I’ve taken some time to try and get into the streaming world beyond the Mozilla app. It has been both encouraging and...well, not so much. I’ve mostly been dinking around in Bigscreen, an app that offers a number of Pluto TV channels in digital theater environments. You log into a room with other people, who appear as avatars, and you all watch the shows together.

Well, sorta. Most people don’t really watch the shows so much as they throw digital tomatoes at the screen and shout upsetting shit at each other. The server population seems really low, so the massive theaters take on the quality of a creepy XXX cinema, where one always feels a bit apprehensive of who they might meet.

At its best, Bigscreen is genuinely funny. I’ve made nightly stops at the Star Trek theater, which plays old reruns of Next Generation. The most enjoyable moments come in the spirit of MST3K, with witty comments and memes as people throw digital refreshments at the screen. I’ve found myself giggling despite myself.

At its worst, Bigscreen is a deeply racist and sexist hideaway full of the types of folks you’d normally shush the hell out of in a real theater. You can mute people, but it’s a tedious task. A reporting function also exists, but who knows how or if its being enforced at all. Finally, unless you’re doing a film rental, you’re going to be subjected to commercials on everything from erectile pills to The Blaze. I’ve described it to others as being Peak Late Night Cable: The App. If that appeals to you, well, it’s there and it’s free.

I’ve tried streaming my desktop, both on Bigscreen and via Oculus Link. Both were very laggy. There’s a very popular desktop streaming app I could try, but it costs IRL money. Honestly, most of what I’d want out of my desktop streaming I already get from Mozilla. 

I like the Quest 2 a lot. I hope we see more experiences tailored specifically to it, as opposed to through the Link function or via desktop streaming.

Dungeons and Dragons

I finally wrapped up my improv sessions with my local DND group. Having just finished The Lost Mines of Phandelver, I wanted to take some time between campaigns to improv and get off the grid a bit.

The result was 4 sessions, 2 hours each, where I had nothing prepared in advance and I let my players take the lead. I gave them a map I’d built of the region and told them we could go anywhere they like.

My party ended up splitting into two groups- one heading to Castle Grayhawk, and one to Neverwinter. Antics ensued, personal quests furthered, and by the end, everyone felt ready for our next adventure at the Salt Marshes.

An interesting takeaway- when doing improv sessions, I had almost zero fights. I never once broke out the battleboard and only a handful of attack rolls were even attempted. 

I, personally, like combat a great deal. So I don’t think that will be my style forever. But it was interesting to see what my sessions could look like without it, especially after such a combat-heavy campaign.

Anime

I’ll be honest- I’ve fallen really behind on this season’s anime. I have so many hobbies, and one thing gets shoved aside for another, necessarily so. This time, it’s anime and manga. I promise I’ll get back on the horse soon.

As the year winds down, I’m already thinking about my experiences over the past year and what my end of the year experience list will look like.

I’ve seen so many amazing titles this year.

Like, I get deeply, viscerally emotional when I think about Re:Zero. 

My heart races as I think of the thrilling high points of Tower of God.

I delight in my inner goth kid as I ruminate in experiences like Gleipnir and Berserk.

I’m going to have a lot to talk about. Just thinking about it motivates me to get out there and see more.

Are You Really Ready to Read This Much?

Guten Tag!

Moves have been made, am I right?! You are a big boy now! I know you last talked about how stressed life has been with so many unknowns floating around and being a source of disturbance in your life. As we move onto the next phase of life, our days become the work we do, the places we call home, and the people we spend time with and hold close. Any disruption of one of these aspects alone can wear and tear on a person and stretch them thin. But having almost all of those in flux, I can’t even imagine the internal stress you felt. But I know that you have started to piece some semblance of normalcy and establish a life for yourself. I cannot wait to see how you settle into a job that gives you experience in the field you ACTUALLY want to explore and make a home for yourself. It seems that half of our friends are experiencing the post-grad limbo of job hunting (unfortunately during a pandemic), while the other half of us are finding a little niche in the world to call our own, however temporary or beginner level it is. So from one bambi boy finding his legs in the wilderness of life to another, WELCOME TO THE GRIND! It feels pretty nice to just focus in on your job and not worry about what other million billion things for other classes and jobs and clubs you have to get done and in an excellent manner. So take a load off and grab a beer, it is time to reap the rewards of your hard work for the past years.

As you enter into the working grind, which you already know, I find it incredibly valuable to have some form of release and escape. Maybe this is the best time to figure out what that is and practice doing it because of the forced solidarity giving us the time at home to messed around. I know that should never be a problem for you to find some form of entertainment, as you are constantly reading or playing some game. I guess it helps that you work in the gaming industry and, being that games are kinda your life, playing them and experiencing them will always be a point of interest. So let me know what it is that you find to transport away from all the hustle and bustle. I would love to see what gets the juices flowing for you. Personally, outside of our DnD sessions, I have found a good source of release in my roommates as we joint-play games together. Our focus has been on these games with great narratives and characters, harkening more to cinematic experiences than a standard run and gun or rpg. For example, we are currently freeing a third world country from a dictator in Far Cry 3. Although a 1st person open world shooter at first sight, the story, visuals, and ability to choose your own story path are what drew us in and keep us coming back. I also just love the experience of playing a game with other people, as it strengthens the enjoyment of a normal game by allowing for a shared experience of a piece of art. Next on our list is The Last of Us, followed by part II. I am SUPER looking forward to seeing one of our favorite people’s character go through a pretty crazy situation. Lemme know of any other game recommendations that you have that remotely sound like what I have been describing.

And finally, the reason why this post has taken so long. I have been wrestling with the words and ideas that have been swirling around inside of me for the past couple months. I feel a mixture of embarrassment, anger, frustration, grief, and shock when I think about this. Most of all, I feel pain. So pardon me for however this comes out, as I still have yet to even fully put my own feelings into words that I feel describe what is going on. I want to pause here to take a beat to breath and also assure you that whatever comes next is not nearly as bad what you may be thinking now as you read. A lot of this stems from being blindsided by the whole circumstance, but I guess I should just get on with saying it. Last pause, as everything that we write in here is private, I want to emphasize how extremely private this is and would really appreciate your discretion. I just need someone to tell, and as I have made a vow to be more vulnerable with you, this is something I find very important. So as things in the world have gotten crazy, the craziness and destruction impact more than just the outside world, but those close to us. A few weeks after we graduated, my mom got news from work that she was going on furlough for an indefinite amount of time, and her position would be re-evaluated at the end of July, hoping that things would start settling back to normal. So for a few months, my mom was kind of in limbo, but she used that time to get a lot of priorities in order. She got pretty involved in church with the band and started singing more again, something that she hadn’t done in quite a few years. She also started helping with a charity my godparents started and found a lot of comfort helping out those with less in her time of uncertainty. But we thought all of this would be temporary, after all, she has been with the company for over 30 years and has been more than loyal. But at the beginning of July, she got a call from her boss saying they were gonna have to let her go. I know people lose jobs all the time, and even more so in today’s climate, but you never see it happening to your family and those that you love so dearly. When she called me to let me know, I could hear her holding back tears, trying to be strong. I was honestly at a loss for words when she told me. I felt enraged at the company for doing this to my mom. I was worried about what would happen to my parents’ plans for their own future, as my mom was kinda the bread winner for the family, which comes with having one parent owning and operating a small business all by himself. But mainly I just felt as if I had shattered into a million pieces that were flung into the wind. I love no person more in this world than my mom. She, no matter how much I didn’t want to hear it, taught me right from wrong, pushed me to reach for MY dreams, sacrificed WAY more of herself than any person should for another human. She is both the strongest and kindest person I have and ever will meet, yet there I was, on the phone with her during a really dark time in her life, and she was holding back tears still trying to be strong for me. I feel helpless in a situation like this! I am barely making enough money to look out for myself, let alone do anything to help my parents out! I know I can say nice, encouraging words, but I want to fix things and make everything good for them, for her. Without my parents, I would be nothing. So to see them go through this trial has really kind of messed me up inside for a couple months now. My mom has thought about going back to school because she never finished her degree, but schooling is NOT cheap. She is 53 now, she should be thinking about retirement in a few years and life outside of work right now, not going back to school just to make ends meet. I applaud her for how well she has taken this and how she continues to persevere in the face of opposition. I cried like a baby after I got off the phone with her that day in July. My parents are my rock in this life and I ache to see them in pain. I am lucky to have a brother that is certified in talking through bad experiences. He has been a big help. If there is a bright spot from all this, our family has grown a lot closer during these past few months, which hurts just a little bit more that I can’t go see my family and give my mom a hug. I miss them so much. The other positive is now my mom is free to pursue a work-life that she can choose. For too long she was doing this job to provide for us boys, but now she can do what has been on her heart. Luckily, she has a great support system around her that is in constant prayer for her and my dad. She got a call from their lead pastor a week ago, where they have a position they thought would be perfect for her coordinating the various community outreach programs the church is involved with. She never expressed interest in the position or sought out anything of the likes, she just popped into their mind and she has a meeting with the board of the church coming up. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I know this is probably by far the longest post I have written, but I needed to talk with someone about it. Again, I ask for discretion as we haven’t told many people about it. I am not sure who, if any of our friends’ parents know, as this is not my place to be telling others. As you are my confidant, I trust you with anything that I say and know that you will be there to support. So if others are to know, it should be and will be on my parents’ terms. Sorry for the heavy dump I just took here, but I appreciate you listening. I also hate to end on such a negative note, but it doesn’t feel right to end any other way. I will leave you with this, love those close to you and give your family an extra long hug when you see them next. Who knows what will happen between now and the next time.

With much love,

A