#i’m going to continue making evelyn content because there’s not much that is being posted
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Excuse me, mommy? Sorry. Mommy? I'm sorry I mean mommy? 🥵
#evelyn marcus#paola nuñez#resident evil netflix#i am so whipped#i’m going to continue making evelyn content because there’s not much that is being posted
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Stardew Impact [Genshin+Stardew Valley/xReader]
Part 1/3 Kaeya, Diluc
Synopsis: “A mysterious phenomenon brought you and your s/o to an unfamiliar world: Pelican Town! Without the power of Visions, the two of you begin to learn the life of what it takes to be...a farmer?”
(DOMESTIC FARM LIFE YIP YIP)
Coming soon...
Albedo and Childe
Zhongli and Xiao
(A/N): So the brainrot was real in this one. I planned to add Albedo for a Mondstadt edition but kinda went overboard so I gotta split this one into parts too. Wordcount_almost 2k spspspsp
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Diluc
• Already has the whole year planned in his head. Literally if Diluc were to play this game, he'd have a booming farm within year ONE. Calm and collected through and through, though the new environment raises alot of questions, as long as you were still with him, Diluc ain't complaining
• The town welcomes you two with open arms. It was all thanks to the attire. Diluc wore his usual dark coat adorned with regal gold while you had a dress made of Liyue's finest silk, one that he bought for you. Needless to stay both of you reeked the aura of rich aristocrats (Mayor Lewis is pleased that greedy bastard)
• Once the farm was permitted to your owndership, Diluc began to think of ways to turn it into a vineyard. He was a businessman afterall. Although the staff back at the Dawn Winery were the ones who tended the field, Diluc still knew a few things about planting due to his childhood days Master Crepus would bring him out to their yard and demonstrated the process of gardening. He still remembers those days clearly, doing the very same this moment with you.
• Occasionally works at the Saloon bar. It was the perfect opportunity. As you took care of the farm side, Diluc continues to look for more ways to increase the income while gathering information from the folks around town. Gus LOVES to have him over, like he's just so efficient and reliable! They soon become good friends saying if Diluc were ever to own a wine stock, he would gladly buy from him.
• This is why Diluc would stay a little later due to just chatting with the people from the bar. One time you walked into the Saloon only to the front desk with Emily alone. Turns out the others were in the other room, too busy playing a game of pool. You decided to leave him be since it was rare to have Diluc so relaxed in leisure activities. Thus in the end, you spent your time chatting with Emily until a whole hour has passed before your lover notices and apologizes for losing track of time.
• Everything felt like a dream because it was his dream. To live a life undisturbed from chaos, his duties and the dangers that lurk in Teyvat, Diluc grew fond of the domesticity. There was nothing he loved more than to spend his hours by your side, day after day, returning home to your freshly handmade meals.
• Spring: Already up and early planting the parnersnips (I'm very soft for gardener Diluc you see). What do you expect from a workaholic? Even during his leisure time you would often find him near some plant as he does consider this hobby quite therapeutic. But when it rains, Diluc would be standing beside you with an arm around your shoulder, smiling contently as you lean into his touch. He gazes through the dripping window and silently admires the current progress you both made on the farm.
• Between the two annual spring festivities, I would say the flower dance. Diluc is a private man and would prefer to take things where no eyes were on sight. But with a little bit of nudging from Gus (your wingman), he gives in and leads you to the center stage. Elegant. Graceful. The way you two moved together became the talk of the event. Though, Diluc was already used to people staring by now, all he needed to do was to ignore them and keep his focus on you.
• Summer: No blankets in bed. Nope, its bloody hot in Pelican Town. He tends to stay indoors or anywhere with shade, in other words, his work hours in the Saloon increased.
• Diluc always has a nice cold drink prepared for you if by any chance you were to pay a visit after a whole day of labour. It's a habit he's made subconciously as if it would be a natural occurance for you to enter the door. His colleagues would ask him who did he make that drink for? Honestly so cute i cri
• Moments like these remind him of Mondstadt, where he quietly wipes the glasses while listening to you talk. Your voice is soothing. Sun rays peek from the side casting onto the umber tables, reflecting a rich golden light as the radio plays a soft song in the background. It's so peaceful, the town was small hence not many people visited the bar, Diluc came to appreciate this warm privacy (plus no Venti and Kaeya which is a huge pog realization).
• Autumn: Harvest time baby. The kegs are full and the sheds are full of kegs. This season was huge stonks and the house ended up getting an upgrade. Diluc is the type of man who wants to make sure that his spouse wouldn't have to work another day of her life. I reckon this is why he's so ambitious because he wants you to have the best and you deserve the best. (Husband material. Slap a ring on him ladies).
When there was no more work left to do, time would be spend peacefully exploring the woods. While you skipped a few steps ahead as the leaves crunched beneath your feets, Diluc follows slowly from behind. He sees your back but his eyes stares somewhere far beyond whats in front of him: His future.
It was such a stark contrast to the one he envisioned before. One filled with uncertaintly, blocked by darkness with no silver lining in sight, endlessly wandering as he drags the claymore against the ground. There was never a day in which the Darknight hero wouldn't think of Mondstadt. Leaving the city in the incompetent hands of Ordo Favonious while Abyss Mages continue to lurk fuels him to find a way to return as soon as possible and yet...
"Higher big sis!" Jas tightens her hold on the ropes as you pushed the swing with all your might. She laughs, like a child, it was full of innocence and joy. Later Vincent came in and nugdes you, asking when his turn will come.
"You wanna go too? Alright alright don't worry," waiting for Jas to come down, you lift the boy up so that he was seated safely on the chair, "3..2..1 go!"
He wonders if he could just be a little selfish for once.
• Winter: Best man to have in this season. Every morning Diluc would find himself restricted in movements due to a pair of arms around his waist and legs entangled with yours. Turns out you've been doing it subconciously because he's just so warm (Diluc keeps it lowkey and pretends to sleep longer cuz of it)
~~xx~~
Kaeya
• Haha looks like the portal is gone, guess we'll be stuck forever :)). No kidding Kaeya would be so down to stay here for the rest of his life and the best part is to spend it with you. He doesn't show a shred of concern regarding Teyvat, not like he's easily shaken by events that are abnormal, but you can see that Kaeya is truly and genuinely happy. (You're stunned).
• Oho we also have this marvelous landscape just for the two of us? And a cozy little cabin to go along with it as well? This should be fun~
• Of course Kaeya would also know a few things about planting, just the basics since he did grow up with Diluc. When they were kids, Crepus would give each of them their own pots so they can grow their own plants. It eventually became a competitive thing where whoever's plant grows the fastest gets to eat the other person's dessert for a year (no one wins. They end up sabotaging each other which Diluc started first, thinking it'll be funny as a joke).
• You are, and will be going on dates with him. In fact, the amount of dates you two went on increased since then. The townspeople would call you two "lovebirds" since he's practically by your side 24/7.
• I mean he doesn't have the responsibilities as a Cavalry Captain anymore so what else is there to do?
• Would attend all annual events no matter what season.
• Evelyn constantly gushes how much of a wonderful pair you and Kaeya make and often is the one who provides Kaeya a fresh bouqet of flowers for him to use as a gift. George on the otherhand just rolled his eyes mumbling something along the lines of "youngsters these days" and "crazy hormones."
• Befriends Pam. Love for beer plus somewhat cynical attitude? They get along real swell! She starts sending some recipes into the mailbox of course saying if yall ever need a hand, let her know.
• Spring: I can see Kaeya be switching back and forth between caring for the farm or taking quests posted on Pierre's bulletin board. He likes to keep things interesting, learning the ways of the new world while also getting to know the people around town.
• Would NOT return Mayor Lewis' shorts in which he found in Marnie's room. It's such high quality blackmail material. Kaeya is currently plotting what is the best way to use it to his advantage.
• He didn't tell you of course.
• Summer: There are no blankets because he is your blanket. Since your cabin was small so was the bed. That's why he has to hold you so that no one falls off when rolling over. Either he hugs you with your nose close to his neck, or your back against his chest while spooning you or holding hands if sleeping on your sides became too much. Yall need a serious house upgrade.
• For some reason Kaeya becomes more energetic in the summer. He lets you rest in the shade while handling the farm work for the time being. If you guys got a pet it would be a cat. Hes the first one to refill their bowl every morning outside.
Another day passes as summer comes to an end, the town’s Mayor invited you and your lover to see the annual Dance Of the Moonlight Jellies. Kaeya being the opportunist was delighted to come along. Locking the door of your house, you follow him down the path and made your way to the beach.
Everyone from town was already gathered by the docks when the sun had disappeared down the horizon. You stood by his side in a space far from the others, watching the candle boats set off to ride the waves, lighting up a small ray of light for creatures to find.
“Wow,” your tone almost above a whisper, “If only our friends back home could see this too.”
“Perhaps,” he says. Kaeya slips his fingers into yours and you shot him a curious glance, “But let us enjoy this moment shall we? Just the two of us.”
And there they were. A sea of luminescence radiating colours of brilliant blue with hints of green like a city of laterns floating in a world below. Their image reflects in the star of Kaeya's eyes as he wonders, where would they go? Where would the light lead them? They were so free with nothing to worry, so serene just like the sea and unknowningly, he squeezes your hand. It was a sense for confirmation. One to remind him that this moment was indeed a reality he wishes to keep.
Autumn: Finally a house upgrade and a kitchen!! Because it was harvest season, you guys end up making a set of delicious meals with all the recipes the townspeople gave you. Kaeya can cook since he lived by himself back in Mondstadt. Most of the stuff he learned to make were food that can be accompanied by alcohol though...
• Ahah remember Mayor Lewis' lucky shorts? He found a use for them. It was displayed on the stands during the Stardew Valley Fair (Oh my how did this get here? Must be the wind). Ends up buying a Rarecrow for the farm when Lewis bribes him not to tell this to anyone.
Winter: This was mostly an indoor season for the both of you. With the existence of television, nights would be spent until morning while watching movies at the couch. A blanket drapes around your shoulders as extends to his. Oh and don't forget the hot chocolate!
#genshin impact#stardew valley#genshin impact headcanons#diluc x reader#kaeya x reader#diluc#diluc ragnvindr#Kaeya#kaeya alberich#genshin x reader#genshin headcanons#genshin imagines#genshin scenarios#nya-writes#genshin impact scenarios#genshin impact x reader#genshin impact imagines
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Search for the Sun 🌞
So this is Part 2 of “the Sun” series.
Part 1 found : https://isuspectyouhavefantheories.tumblr.com/post/640838971892662272/the-crossroads-to-the-sun here!
Ok so, NSFW, I can’t figure out how to make this appear shorter or have it appear under the cut cus mobile Tumblr sucks eggs. You heard me.
Takemura/Female V fic
Rated MA, for mature, sexual themes, read at own risk.
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Somewhere in the Mojave....
“We need a new carburettor for this thing V and someone’s gonna have to re-solder this whole board before we can even do that! We aren’t going to be getting our cargo vans very far like.” Saul sighed, closing the hood of the large van with a heavy thud as he wiped the grease and dust from his hands. His expression was his usual deeply worried frown and she noticed how even as he wiped his hands clean they remained oil stained and grubby. He’d been toiling over engines all day, putting one fire out after another.
“I’ll see what Mitch and I can do but it’s gonna take a little while. We’re already trying to get a handle on repairs to the solar panels and honestly that’s the thing I want to make sure we have fixed before night fall. We can stop for the night, recuperate.” She gave him a pointed look that he only waived off. “I’ll fix up the vans in the morning and we can get going after. We have some time before the next storm, quit your worrying.” V offered, punching his arm lightly, Saul only smiled in return.
“How’d you end up being my second in command? I thought that was supposed to be Panam?” He chuckled.
“She’s got her hands full at the moment.”
“With?”
“Dick.”
Saul balked at her and V only waggled her eyebrows, nodding her head in the direction of a lightly rocking AV on the outskirts of camp.
“Incidentally, his name is also Dick.” She chuckled.
“God damnit, PANAM!” She watched in mild amusement as Saul stormed away toward the aforementioned vehicle to reprimand his second for her blatant public fornication. So she heaved herself forward, ignoring the mild ache in her body and forcing her legs and arms to continue obeying her. V decided that she would save herself the mental anguish of tangling with the solar grid and get out of camp for an hour at the least. Evidently fighting burning migraines and muscle spasms was trying at the best of times, especially when attempting to keep up with her duties to the clan.
She didn’t want to sit around and be a burden on them, regardless of Saul and Panam’s insistence on her getting more rest. In truth, she loathed inactivity, too much time to start thinking, or worse, listening to Johnny, who was still holding out the hope she was going to turn the clan around and storm Mikoshi instead of this slow shicide she had carved out for herself instead. The twilight hours were the worst, because there was nothing she could do, hours she had spent staring at her tent roof, only to give up and lay under the stars, at least then she had something to occupy her. It had been especially hard the last few nights and she had more than once woken to Saul staring down at her with a worried look she would wave off and tell him that really, she was fine, dusting the sand from her and continuing on with her day at camp.
She admired the location for what it was, they had chosen a decent spot for the camp and they had some useful vantage points. Any Raffen trying to get the jump on them would be in for a surprise, they’d see their asses a mile wide.
She pulled Evelyn’s cigarette case from her utility belt pocket, igniting it with a match she then shook out to extinguish as she breathed a long drag.
“Fuuuck.” Johnny groaned appreciatively.
“You’re welcome.” She laughed as she gazed at the expanse of the desert. It’s wild beauty marred by burnt out car wrecks and pile upon pile of garbage. Her eyes landed on yet another old ruined petrol station. She couldn’t help but let her mind wander back to the week previous. Her night with Takemura had been everything to her. Laying there in his arms, basking in the beautiful aftermath listening to him breath as he slept, watching the steady rise and fall of his partially plated chest. She had wanted nothing more in the world than to just stay there in that abandoned truck stop, for the rest of their lives they could be there and she’d have been the happiest woman alive. But as she stared down at his sleeping face she knew she was living a pipe dream.
He was loyal to the bone to Arasaka. She would never be enough, she could never pry those chains from him. Even knowing what she had told him, about Hanako and Saburo, she imagined he had dusted himself off the next morning and returned to his master tail between his legs like the well trained guard dog they made him into. Why wait until morning to watch him fumble and ruin a perfectly good fuck, one for the history books, by seeing him slink back to the clutches of the Emperor’s family? Just to feel the raw sting of his departure, the rejection in his blind obedience to the people that saw him only as a pawn to be played. No. She decided to rip the proverbial band aid off. She was a quiet and stealthy thief, expertly manoeuvring around him in silence and then pushing her thorton far enough out of ear shot from him then just... driving away. She had to admit, it was shitty. To just leave him there without so much as a goodbye. But she knew if she had waited it would have been another day of trying to convince him to let her go.
Or he might have even managed to convince you to go back to Arasaka.
Johnny’s interjection to her train of thought startled her and she watched him materialise, cigarette in hand, perching with his legs dangling from a delapidated hoodoo rock a few yards in front of her.
“I wouldn’t have gone with him Johnny. I wasn’t going to just let them shred you into bits, fuck man, gotta give me more credit than that.” She was annoyed he could even insinuate such a thing, especially given where they now stood.
“You didn’t take your blockers during your little roll around with Mr Miyagi.” He groaned and her cheeks immediately flushed a deep crimson. “I know you were thinking it for a moment there in the... aftermath.” He sighed, looking down at her from his perch.
He took off his aviators and pursed his lips as if he was about to say something pivotal to the narrative but more than likely just as irritating as his previous comment so he decidedly closed his mouth, thinking better of it and returning his gaze to the endless desert plains. The fact that she could read him so well now was not lost on her.
“I wasn’t going to let them hurt you. Believe it or not you’re my friend, Johnny.” He glanced down at her again and a smile attempted to tug at the corner of his lips but he put his shades back on and coughed into his closed fist to cover it up.
“Well thanks. I guess. Doesn’t matter now anyway. We’re done for as is I suppose.” He breathed out a plume of holographic smoke that seemed to float off into the desert. “But you’re still thinking about him.” He deadpanned, making her sigh in irritation.
“Look.. it just kills me because... Goro was my friend too. And now he’s...” she smoothed her hair back from her face, letting her hand slide to the nape of her neck and head drooping down to look at her weathered and scuffed steel toe boots, her tool belt slung across her hips, held together by the tied sleeves of her blue net running jumpsuit she had to wear half down due to being in the beating sun while working all day. She could see her skin was already blistered with another light sunburn but also some sun freckles newly blooming. Her hands, more calloused and rough now than in her entire career as an amateur merc. She frowned. “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I’m here now Johnny. I know that I shouldn’t keep living in the past but... let me at least mourn. Please?”
“Alright, alright. I get it. Here, just take some advice from a guy who’s had to... leave behind a few broken hearts in his day. Get drunk. Get fucked. Get angry. Get over it. Always worked for me anyhow.” She rolled her eyes at the rocker boy, letting her hand fall to her side, taking the last drag of her cigarette wasn’t even appealing to her so she quickly flicked it away.
“Aw.” Johnny grumbled. “The cherry is the best bit!” He whined but she ignored him. V made to turn back to the camp but some faint movement along the horizon caught her eye. She pulled out her binoculars and got as close as she could to the slightly glimmering and fast approaching object. Upon closer inspection she realised it was a car. And not just any car.
His car.
She froze, glued to the vehicle rapidly approaching the camp.
What the fuck does he think he’s doing?
-———
He admitted to a small amount of apprehension about this move to approach head on as he pulled up alongside the Basilisk, giving it a long stare and praying silently to whatever gods were out there watching over him that he had found the right Nomad camp this time. He had already had to blast his way out of two raffen pits as of yesterday and wasn’t thrilled about the possibility of having to do so again.
A tap on his car window brought him from his thoughts and he rolled it down.
“What brings you here, friend?” Mitch asked, Saul and Panam on the sidelines, iron at the ready.
“I apologise for the intrusion. I mean you no harm, I am simply attempting to locate someone. A friend.” He explained.
“Who’s your friend?” Saul called after him.
“Her name is V.” The Nomads grew quiet, looking between each other. “Perhaps she has passed by here? Stopped for supplies?”
“Excuse me?” Panam sputtered.
“V doesn’t have ties to Arasaka anymore. Suggest you move on.” Saul moved closer to the car window, pushing past Mitch.
He leaned his arm against the top of the car door frame, letting his revolver rest against it in a menacing if threatening show of dominance. This here was the Aldecaldos stomping ground. And he’d be dead in the ground before he let some corpo asshole get their hands on V. Takemura’s eyes hardened a moment on the large nomad, his hands righting on the wheel now as he internally scanned the area with what limited tech he still had to work with. She searched for her signature but either his implants were all now truly offline or she wasn’t here.
“I am not with Arasaka.” Takemura thought he would feel pain at uttering those words, but if anything, each word made him feel lighter.
“Yeah sure. Just covered in Arasaka cyberware, driving around on Arasaka wheels, wearing a full on uniform for their security detail. Totally.” Panam quipped.
Takemura sighed.
“Anymore.” He amended, but the trio still eyed him sceptically, he felt it best he stayed in the car for now.
“Is she here?” He questioned, quickly surveying the camp to try and find her himself, a small kernel of hope planting in his chest as he looked through the small crowd that had gathered by them, hopeful to catch a glimpse of her but Saul’s hand reached out for him roughly, pulling him up to the open window by the front of his shirt with a resounding clunk.
“I don’t know what you’re playing at here but if you think for a second I’m just gonna let you-.”
“Saul. Stop. It’s cool.” Takemura’s head whipped over Saul’s shoulder to the source of the voice. His heart clenched painfully upon seeing V finally.
She was a vision. Almost like a beautiful mirage that had been conjured up by the desert heat and his possible dehydration but upon closer inspection he knew it had to be her. Her every freckle and scar burned into his memory, he would know here anywhere, even caked in soot and sand.
“V, come on, we don’t even know if he’s got people tailing him. We’ve already got our hands full with Militech for Christ’s sake, let’s not go adding to that pile.” Saul glared down, unconvinced by Takemura’s own words.
“I wouldn’t be saying this if I thought he was a danger. He’s not. Please just let me talk to him.” Saul groaned but he made the mistake of meeting her gaze and knew there was no telling her no so he released Goro and opened the door to the car.
“Out. Follow her.” Saul grumbled, hand still leaning against the top of the door, but before Takemura could step out funny a strong hand clamped down on his shoulder. “Try and pull any funny shit though and I’ll drop your ass myself. No hesitation.” Takemura hadn’t realised just how big Saul was before but did not let that deter him.
“I will be sure to keep it in mind.” Goro responded in an uninterested tone, not really registering him, only focusing on V, before quickly making his way to her side. He reached out for her but she had already turned away and was walking up to a trailer, ascending a small flight of stairs before reaching the screen door. She threw him a look over her shoulder and motioned with her head for him to follow.
—————-
Once inside the privacy of the trailer V rounded on him, her eyes filled with confusion and anger.
“What the fuck, Goro?” She hissed. “Why are you here?”
He swallowed thickly, never realising that even through all his fighting to get back to her side, he had never even put his reasoning into words. And he had always had a defined reason for everything he did, it was something he was fucking known for. But now, standing here he couldn’t even begin to rationalise any of his actions, only that being here now already felt more right than anything in his life ever had. He opened and closed his mouth like a gaping fish. She noticed his silence but was quickly distracted by his haggard appearance. Her eyes widened however at the lack of the dim lights on his cybernetics.
She reached for him cautiously, her fingertips brushing against the red outer wiring of his throat that no longer glowed with the hum of electronics and now simply shined in the dim light, essentially now just useless plastic.
“Your implants...” she whispered, tracing her finger down the line of the metal overlay of his neck and to the edge of his jaw, Goro watching her every motion with laser focus. “Why are they..?”
“They were deactivated when I failed to return a few days ago.” he wanted to reach for her, to touch her, that’s all he’s thought about day and night since she left him. “I was starting to think I was going to die out there before I found you.” He chuckled softly yet he inwardly savoured how close she was, her scent, near unchanged since their night together. The scent was now infused with a small background of motor oil now that clingged to her hands but it was strangely fitting for her.
“Why?” She whispered angrily at him, her eyes burning with unshed tears.
He raised his own hand now to weave with hers, holding it to his heart as he stared down at her with so much sureness, so much care and devotion that she felt unworthy.
“I defected, V.” Her eyes widened at him but still she said nothing. “I am... I can’t go back. If you only have a short time left, then... there isn’t anywhere else I want to be. I want to be here with you, I don’t want to miss a second of you ever again. I-.” He closed his eyes, terrified to see her reaction but was nearly sent spinning as she thrust herself without warning at him, her arms suddenly wrapping around his shoulders. His own arms instinctively wrapped around her, returning the embrace yet part of him still feared the worst.
Did she pity him? Is that why she said nothing? Was this her letting him down gently? She was always too kind for her own good.
“Goro... oh my god.” She breathed against him and he tightened his grip around her burying his face in her neck, breathing her in deeply. Feelings of peace, serenity, a meaning in his life he had been searching for ever since he escaped the slaughter house of Chiba-11. He thought that meaning was to serve those who had uplifted him from that barbaric place. But they didn’t save him. They used him.
It was this tiny trembling powerhouse of a woman that barrel assed her way into his life and irrevocably entangled herself with him, she had been the one who reignited his purpose. Opened his eyes and never lied to him. She had never left him behind. Only when she thought he was truly beyond her reach did she finally resign herself to letting him go.
But now, in the security of her arms, he knew he was never going to let that happen again.
“I can’t believe I finally found you...” he breathed, letting the feeling of her arms around him be engraved deeply in his heart, the lines on his face began slowly relaxing as he stroked the dip of her back gently.
V finally looked up at him and he swiped away some stray tears from her slightly flushed cheeks with a curled finger before caressing them in his hand fully. He stared down at her with an adoration she had never imagined him capable of, it felt to her as though she had never been truly seen before now and could only grasp his outstretched arm and reach for the back of his head pulling his face closer to hers when he finally moved forward, reuniting her lips with his in a passionate kiss. Her fingertips grazed over his jaw lightly, drawing a sigh from him and letting it meld into the kiss as he tried desperately to hold her closer.
She pulled back from him but his lips trailed after hers again, loathed to be parted from her just yet, but she placed two fingers on his lips to halt his pursuit and worry shot through him again.
“I think we should explain to the clan before Saul comes in here and decks you.” She chuckled, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek sweetly and he leaned into her touch, the sudden panic receeding, before smiling back at her and nodding. She made to move to the door, hand already pulling the handle open when his own grasped her free one and interlaced their fingers, grinning like a cat down at her.
“So they don’t shoot me on sight.” He joked, V could only huff lightly but her own smirk betrayed her feigned annoyance.
“Hush. Be nice.” She snipped.
They stepped out of the trailer and at the bottom of the stairs to the trailer was the holy Aldecaldos trinity themselves. Panam looked between the two and their interlock hands with mild confusion first before realisation dawned on her and she mouthed ‘that’s him?’ rather more obviously than she thought she had but never the less winked at friend.
Goro looked down at her curiously but V just shook her head.
“She’ll tell you herself at some point.” V whispered, leaving him far more confounded than before.
“So? What’s this about?” Saul stood in front of them now arms crossed but glaring heatedly at Takemura.
“Drop the tough guy act Saul come on.” She shoved him playfully but Saul only scowled deeper. “He defected.” Saul’s eyebrows rose in surprise for a moment but suspicion reaffirmed itself at the forefront of his mind once more.
“Bullshit.” Saul spat.
“I left Arasaka because I no longer believe in them.” He looked down at V’s hand in his and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “I believe in V. And she has put her trust in you and your clan. I wish to stay with her. You know that... she does not have long.” She squeezed him
back at this, hearing the slight waiver in his voice at that but he continued. “I will work, I will do whatever is needed of me in order to stay by her side.” He bowed his head politely and Saul was at a loss for words, casting his gaze back to Panam and Mitch but only receiving a tired sigh and a shrug from Mitch and a rather heated scowl from Panam that said ‘if you don’t let the ninja stay I’m going go get an emp and blast an AV out of the sky again’, and Saul could only sigh tiredly. He rubbed his forehead with the heel of his palm in a gesture of defeat but his eyes spoke an understanding and no inherent objection to the arrangement.
“Alright. You work, like the rest of us. We all pull our own weight here and there’s plenty to do.” Panam fist pumped in the air and squealed with glee, making V laugh at her antics but Saul gave her an exhausted look before grinning devilishly. “ Since there’s another mouth to feed and person to arm, we’re gonna need to do a recount on inventory. Thanks for offering to do it Panam.” Saul rounded on his heel, making for his own tent as the orange pink swash of dusk settled over the desert. Mitch followed after while Panam gave her a quick pat on the shoulder before departing to her new hell, inventory.
“Look at you guys, just the picturesque happy couple living on the edge of the law, running with nomads, being all in love and shit. Warms my cold dead pixilated heart.” Johnny drawled as he leaned up against the trailer.
V chose to ignore him but grinned Takemura wrapped his free arm around her and rested his head atop hers as he rubbed loving circles into the small of her back, she sighed into his chest and grinned like a fool. Nothing was going to bring her mood down. Not raffen, not Johnny, not the broken to shit solar panels.
She groaned suddenly at the memory of her ever growing list of chores left.
“V?” He questioned, straining his neck down to see her.
“Fucking solar grid.” She hissed ruefully into his shoulder before pulling away.
“I’ve got some solar panels to fix and a carburettor to solder before the day is over.” She groaned, but Takemura squeezed her reassuringly.
“Lead the way.” He chuckled.
“You want to help?” She asked incredulously.
He brushed his hand through her soft chocolate brown coloured locks, twirling the tail ends around her shoulders between his thumb and index. He had a feeling his new unconscious obsession was going to be her hair.
“I’m going to have to learn aren’t I?” He chuckled. “And I have a feeling I’m going to like being your student. Lead on, sensei.”
She giggled before pulling away from him, hands still interlaced as she tugged him towards the solar panels on the far side of camp.
—————
“Welcome to solar grid maintenance 101, class is in session.” She announced.
Goro sat on a rock beside the van, next to the start of the solar grid that went from the back of the van to the further reaches of the edge of their camp, with a small group of four guarding the grid perimeter at all times. He noticed a few of them giving him wary or curious looks but did his best to ignore them. He was sure in time he would seem less threatening but he knew he would only achieve this through time, example and not relying only on shows of good faith. He leaned forward, arms resting against his knees, watching as she peeled back a flexible plastic covering over the front of the panel, uncovering a plated and wired grid he assumed is what absorbed power from the Sun.
“Ok, so. You need a fully wired and calibrated solar panel, batteries, a charge controller and an inverter.” She gestured to each item in front of her. “Once you have these it’s just a matter of following instructions. Then you gotta figure out what your output is gonna be, simply calculate watt hours by using each of the electric tools and machinery’s power ratings, multiplied by the time in hours it will be running...” He continued to listen to her intently, taking mental notes as she went on and was pleasantly surprised by how much she knew. The woman was practically a walking, talking encyclopaedia for off grid living.
He imagined she had learned this with her original nomad clan.
“And... vóila!” The grid hummed to life, the electrical tickering and slight glow from the panels confirmed this. “And tomorrow you’re gonna help me dismantle, clean and stow them.” She slowly rose from her kneeling position but wobbled a bit, Takemura’s lightning fast reflexes kicked into action and he reached out to stabilise her. She gave him a sheepish yet thankful smile.
“Are you-?”
“Just light headed, I stood up to fast.” His levelled gaze cut through her, narrowed eyes studying her intently. “And we’ve been sitting in the sun for an hour. I’d say I could go for something to eat though. Haven’t had anything since last night come to think of it.” She pulled away, attempting to move away from the subject of her health as quickly as she could, but her hand stayed resting open palmed against his chest as she stared almost through him. She still couldn’t believe he was here. Standing next to her in the flesh. She couldn’t even really fathom eating right now but she knew she had to at least try to keep her strength up. But fucking damn. Of all the ways this day was going to go, this was certainly not one of them, not that she was complaining.
His finger captured her chin and tilted her gaze to his, pulling her from her thoughts as if he could sense her inner turmoil.
“What is the expression, ‘I am here for the...’ ah.” He looked up to think an moment as if the phrase was written in the sky before seemingly finding it among the clouds and looking back down at her, grinning from ear to ear. “‘I am... ‘In this for the long haul’, as you say.” She snorted a laugh at him letting her head fall foreword against him as he pulled her further into his embrace. “So stop looking at me as if I’m going to suddenly disappear.” Her fingers squeezed his in response and she looked up resting her chin on his shoulder now.
“Promise?” She whispered, making his chest rumble in laughter.
“Yakusoku.” He affirmed before kissing her forehead loving.
————————————
They had eaten their fill of some synth beef chilli at the camps mess tent and Goro wasn’t about to disclose how much he had actually enjoyed the hot meal. Wandering around in the desert for a week he had been living off of whatever least expired protein bars and soda cans he could find, which had been almost as awful as the scop burgers and noodles in night city, but at least they had been some way warm.
They had made their way to V’s tent which was set up next to her Thorton and some work benches and a trailer with two bikes standing in it. He recognise one to be her beloved Arch and the other a gold and silver heavy terrain 700cc bike with the clans name spray painted boldly along the side of it.
“Here we are. Home sweet home I guess. For now.” She sighed, flopping down into her large sleeping cot with a heavy plop. Takemura stood awkwardly for a moment before fastening the entrance flap closed. There was a fold up chair and two electric lamps illuminating the small space. He suddenly felt out of place but V was quick to pick up on his uncharacteristic fidgeting, giving him an inquisitive glance.
“Cot’s a bit small but we can manage for tonight. Or there’s another cot in storage we can go and-.” Takemura shook his head.
“We can manage.” He grinned sheepishly and she giggled at him, taking a seat on the edge of the cot, patting the spot next to her as an invitation to join her. He took two long strides and he was at her side once again, his hand snaking around her waist as he leaned his head gently on her shoulder. Leaning into him, V interlaced their free hands together, marvelling at how well they fit together.
“You must be exhausted.” She sighed, extending her hand to his face where she swiped away a errant few strands of silver hair that escaped his otherwise well kept topknot, her cool fingers a welcome sensation against his forehead.
“Not really.” He stifled a yawn and she looked up at him pointedly, his own gaze eluding her.
“Evidently.” She chuckled, but a sudden flash of inspiration hit her and she grinned up at him.
“What are you doing?” He asked warily as she began to slink herself around to kneel in front of him, her hands running up and down his thighs in a firm yet teasing trail.
“Well we do have a lot to do in the morning and you require a good nights sleep for what’s coming.” He eyed her suspiciously but couldn’t help the small grin threatening to tug at the corner of his lips. “Couldn’t possibly let you lie awake all night and screw yourself over tomorrow.” She ran her hand over the growing bulge at the apex of his legs, which he opened wider as she settled between them.
“V...” he breathed his head beginning to loll back and eyes flutter closed, his breath hitching she she unzipped him and pulled him of the confines of his suit pants, his member springing free, already fully hard. She gave him some light pumps, enclosing her fist around as much of him as she could. He wasn’t a monster in size, but impressive.
“Speaking of impressive cocks.” Johnny’s voice pierced her mind and she wanted to scream. “Can we leave mine out of this. Please, if yourself gonna fuck the corpo grandpa just take a fucking omega blocker so I don’t have to as well.” She shook her head and sighed, pulling away from Goro.
His eyes fluttered open.
“Is something wrong?” He breathed.
“Just gotta take something before I forget.” She smiled back at him reassuringly before popping two of the red pills.
She turned back to him and something about seeing him sitting there, disheveled clothes, cock standing to attention, lips parted and panting lightly in anticipation, sent a rush of some indescribable feeling through her system. He watched her hungrily but patient in his pining, she couldn’t help the heat between her own legs beginning to rise. She locked their gaze, lips still curved into her signature teasing grin and she began to pull off her tank top painfully slowly, dragging it up to her chest. He watched her relieve her body of the sweat and dirt stained cloth throwing it over her head and groaned lowly when he saw she wasn’t wearing anything underneath save for her tattooed flesh. Lotus flowers bloomed colourfully at her shoulders, and just between her pert little breasts. He traced them with his eyes and felt his body tense in suspense as she saunter toward him, a sultry sway in her hips saying she knew exactly what she was doing to him. She sank down to her knees again before him, her fingers wrapping around his still hard manhood making him hiss at the contact before a strangled gasp tore from his throat as she resumed pumping him again. He reached out his hand to touch her but she slapped him away lightly.
“Ah, ah, ah.” She wagged her finger tauntingly at him, then running them down his chest back down to curl back around his member, giving him a tug that made him groan once more. “Look. Don’t touch.” She then began to lower her lips to him, his eyes nearly rolling to the back of his head as she encased him in her warm pink lips, her devilish tongue flicking along the sensitive underside of his cock. He moaned louder as she moved against him but forced his hand over his mouth to stifle himself. They weren’t alone out here so he had to remember to control his vocalisations but she was not making it easy.
He leaned back further down on his elbows watching her intently through hooded eyes as she devoured him, her mouth sinking down slowly, taking him all the way to the hilt letting him hit the back of her throat with an audible gag that made him whine in need then gliding back up, dragging her lips back to the tip, letting her tongue swirl around him a few times before swallowing him once again. He struggled against his urge to fist his hands into her hair as she kept up her ministrations, fearing she’d stop what she was doing, because what she was doing was so fucking good he thought he was going to die if she didn’t finish.
“V... please I’m going to....” he gasped, one hand stretched out behind him as he bit the knuckle of his other hand to surpress his cries.
He felt her chuckle against him, his end so close he could practically taste it as she continued to bob energetically against him. A few more pumps and he had to bite his knuckle so hard he drew blood so as not to roar from the force of his climax, blowing his load in her mouth which she swallowed it readily. He swore he saw stars for a moment, a blinding light show all of his own as he rode the high for as long as he could until he fell back against the cot, attempting to catch his breath as V released him from her mouth with a faint pop.
She pulled herself up and crawled over him, resting her chin against his chest that now rose and fell erratically from his ragged breathing, waiting there patiently for it to even. He lifted his head to look at her, small beads of sweat clinging to his forehead but a stupidly pleased grin now plastered his face as he lifted a hand to caress her cheek and stroked her cheekbone with the pad of his thumb tenderly. He held her there for a moment, unsure if it was the aftermath of his climax or the low lighting of the tent, but to him, right now in all her dishevelment, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever beheld. He dragged her up to him, lips meeting hers at last, tasting her felt like home, regardless of the lingering taste of himself on her lips. Goro pulled her closer to deepen the kiss before pulling away to gaze at her agin. She was the one panting now, her full pink lips, that had only a few moments been driving him to near insanity were parting enough for him so see her devilishly nimble tongue and the flush dusting her cheeks was starting to do things he didn’t know could be done, his member already twitching to life again, slowly but surely.
“You feeling more relaxed then?” Her laugh, like a tinkling bell, brought his attention back into the room and he could only smirk down at her slyly.
“Partially.” He lifted himself up fully wrapping his arms around her then flipping them so she was trapped underneath him. “But I’m afraid I’m more awake now than I was before.” He whispered, lowering his lips to suckled at her collarbone where he began to trail a searing line of bites and kisses down her chest, stopping to tease her nipples as he lavished them thoroughly, leaving her shivering and gasping uncontrollably beneath him. “The opposite of the desired effect I think.” He chuckled lowly, lifting his hand to her mouth and clamping firmly over it to quieten her mewls while he began to drag the fingers of his other hand up to the bottom half of her netrunner jumpsuit. Untying the sleeves he pulled the zipper further down to the end. It reached just above her mound, a few more inches on the zip and he’d have been able to access her. Shame, he though but immediately tugged the skintight nano plastic material down over her hips, her purple thong coming with it. He didn’t pull it all the way down, allowing the material to bunch at her knees before pulling back, letting both her legs stretch up to rest against his shoulder as he stared down at her, a shit eating grin breaking over his lips as he soaked in the sight of her, trapped in his web. She huffed at him in mild displeasure at the loss of control but her eyes widened when she felt his fingers trace her slit softly. His arm curled around her legs, anchoring them against him as he continued to tease her.
“What are you-?” He silenced her with two fingers plunging inside her, making her arch her back as she barely managed to stifle a moan. He thrust his fingers into her wetness again and again, all while his gaze fixed on her face, contorted by pleasure as he took delight in her every twitch and convulsion.
He let another finger enter her, curling them, tickling a sensitive collection of nerves inside her. Her juices dripped down his hand, his attention switching down to where his fingers pumped relentlessly and he felt himself moan at the sight of her absolutely soaking his hand. He felt his cock strain against her thigh but he ignored his growing need. He had work to do. She nearly cried out when he stopped, her eyes finally fluttered open to see him gazing down at her, smirking triumphantly above her.
“Hey.” She pouted, wiggling against him only making him chuckle quietly.
He pulled her legs free finally, tossing the jumpsuit to the far corner of the tent but trailing his hands from the underside of her thighs, to the under side of her ankles, yanking up sharply which pulled her further down the cot so her ass now rested on his lap. Her ground himself against her, his free member brushing against her slit as he draped each of her legs against either shoulder. He leaned foreword her legs stretching to rest nearly by her ears with how flexible she was. Without warning he entered her, both of them gasping quietly. He filled her so completely, V let the feeling wash over her until he began moving at an achingly slow pace. He found purchase at the head of the cot, using it to drive himself harder and harder into her. Reaching up she caressed his head in her hands, his eyes closing at the contact, savouring it, then opening again to see her.
His breath hitched in his throat, not just at the majesty of her wild curls fanned out and framing her so perfectly. Not at her being stretched and splayed out for him, like a cover pin up they used to sneak into the army barracks, back when he did foolish brazen things like that, no. The trust in her eyes. She was letting him take control, letting him take her, however he wanted. She wasn’t scanning the room for the nearest viable exit like she did in every room or so far away in her mind he wondered if she could even hear him above the noise of the engram erasing her. She was right here, willing and ready for him. He wasn’t going to last long, not after already climaxing earlier but he refused to leave her hanging, letting his thumb roll her clit firmly, over and over. He leaned forward to swallow her cries as she came undone beneath him, his own release coming not to far behind her.
He leaned back, letting her legs down on either side of his hips, but stayed connect with her. He leaned back into her, kissing her forehead, her cheeks, her nose then her lips, making her smile sleepily against him.
“You’re still in your clothes.” She taunted against his shoulder as he chuckled.
“It’s hard to think about anything clearly with you around.” He mumbled against her neck.
“Hey, don’t you dare fall asleep on me dickhead.” She snorted, poking him enough to make him groan then move to the side, allowing her to stand up from the cot. She walked over to a duffel bag where she pulled a loose white shirt from and threw it on. The fabric reached her knees and he scoffed at how small she was.
“Oi, no sand in my bed, get those dusters off.” She ordered and he sighed, pulling himself from his bliss to shed his coat and other garments leaving him only in his boxers. He fell back into the cot heavily, rubbing his eyes as a yawn escaped his lips. She rejoined him, crawling and moulding herself into his side while his arms immediately snaked around her as he buried her face into the crook of her neck, V stroking his hair soothingly.
For the first time in what felt like forever, he went to sleep without knowing where he was going to be tomorrow and not caring in the slightest.
#goro takemura#cyberpunk 2077#takemura x v#goro takemura x v#goro x v#takemura goro x v#takemura goro#the sun#search for the sun
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July Wrap Up
Books completed (ratings out of five stars)
Catching Teller Crow by Ambelin Kwaymullina* and Ezekiel Kwaymullina* (★★★★1/2), begun in June
Thorn (Dauntless Path #1) by Intisar Khanani (★★★), begun in June
Taking Down Evelyn Tait by Poppy Nwosu* (★★★1/2)
This Mortal Coil (This Mortal Coil #1) by Emily Suvada *(★★★★)
Books currently in progress
Dark of the West (Glass Alliance #1) by Joanna Hathaway
Please Don’t Hug Me by Kay Kerr*
Anna and the French Kiss (Anna and the French Kiss #1) by Stephanie Perkins
Woven in Moonlight (Woven in Moonlight #1) by Isabel Ibañez
*Australian author
Challenges, Games, and other Booklr interactions
Completed Racing to Read tag game, tagged by @storytime-reviews (July 26th, link+replies)
Posted photograph for @just0nemorepage‘s JOMP Book Photography Challenge July, Day 22: Colours (July 22nd)
Answered @lizziethereader‘s Weekly Bookish Question #187 (June 28th – July 4th): Do you always rate (and/or review) books, or do you sometimes “just” read them? What determines if you do one or the other? (July 5th)
Reblogged @ceraunos’ question regarding alternatives to Goodreads with my answer (July 1st)
Posted photograph for @thebookbud’s July Book Photography Challenge, Day 1: July Goals (July 1st)
Chatted with @idacippolinni and @thelivebookproject on Tumblr’s PM service
GoodReads/Storygraph 2020 Reading Challenge: 35 books read out of 70. I’ve hit the halfway mark at last! And six books behind…oops. To be honest, though, I’ve started caring less about meeting my target – it’s more important that I enjoy what I’m reading.
Original Posts on Tumblr
Posted photograph of my current reads plus my latest bookshop haul (July 31st)
Posted graphic to celebrate reaching 1K followers (July 24th)
Posted request for book recs (July 16th)
Posted wrap up for June (July 1st)
Reflections on July’s Reading Goals
Reading more books by Indigenous Australians: FAIL!! I did try The Interrogation of Ashala Wolf and Grace Beside Me but neither of them quite clicked with me. I think the latter was written for quite a young audience, so maybe that was why. I still must read Growing Up Aboriginal, although I think with that one it may be the kind of book that you dip into rather than reading it start to finish. I also did buy Top End Girl, a memoir by Indigenous Australian actress Miranda Tapsell, so I’ll get onto that soon. Hopefully, next month will be a better month for this!
I didn’t finish Richard Fidler and Kári Gíslason’s Saga Land, I just couldn’t get into it. I might try it in the future, though. I did finish Intisar Khanani’s Thorn, even though it frustrated the hell out of me. I kept reading despite this because I felt there definitely some important themes and issues Khanani was trying to explore, but I felt something went wrong in conveying it to the reader. I know others have enjoyed it though, so maybe it’s just me. *shrugs*
Started Marie Rutkoski’s The Midnight Lie, couldn’t get into it. Yet to begin Colleen McCullough’s Caesar’s Women, at this point in my reading I’ll get to it either later this month or next month, not sure when yet. I have started Joanna Hathaway’s Dark of the West and Kay Kerr’s Please Don’t Hug Me, however, and I’m enjoying them. So I’ll call it a solid 2 out of 4 for this one.
Only 2 book photography challenges done this month. TBH I’m not too worried about it, I would like to do more but I can’t always find books that fit the prompt. I’ll do them as the mood takes me.
I reached the halfway point of my goal of 70! Still a long way to go though, but as I said before, I’m not worrying too much about it.
New followers
109!!! Are you all real?
A lot of the blogs I checked doing my monthly tally had zero content or content that looked suspiciously like spam. A new Tumblr trend? Or are the bots taking over?
In other news, I reached 1K followers this month!! Woot woot! Hope you’re all enjoying my content.
Interesting observations
See my note under new followers.
As I mentioned before, my attitude towards my reading goals is shifting. I don’t mind so much now about not hitting my goal – it’s more about enjoying the actual reading part.
When I check my dash each morning, to find 30+ notes – well, it’s overwhelming. But thank you all for being so attentive. PS. Likes are great, reblogs are better (hint hint).
I’ve noticed I’m buying more books (as opposed to borrowing them from the library) this month, and I’m wondering how much of that is due to the pandemic and a fear of the not-happening-yet-but-I’m-sure-it-will-soon lockdown. It’s like I want to have as many books as possible in case I won’t be allowed out of the house to get them, thereby running out of books to read. I need to get out of this mindset. Just be calm, Ellie! Be calm!
I’ve stopped reading ebooks almost entirely. The storage management app on my tablet keeps nagging at me to uninstall the books app but I can’t quite let go of it yet. I might get it to it. One day.
I uninstalled Audible and deleted my account with them! I felt bad supporting Amazon and anyway, I never listened to the audiobooks I had purchased.
Reading (and reading-related) Goals for August
Finish the books I’m currently reading (see above).
Make a start on each of the books on my TBR shelf: Growing Up Aboriginal in Australia (edited by Anita Heiss), Tweet Cute (Emma Lord), Caesar’s Women (Masters of Rome #4) by Colleen McCullough, Top End Girl (Miranda Tapsell), and Stars Like Us by Frances Chapman.
Read more books by authors of colour.
Keep doing my own thing on my blog! Not worry so much about content.
Reread Ace of Shades (The Shadow Game #1) by Amanda Foody, and continue the series with King of Fools (which I have yet to read) in preparation for the third book Queen of Volts.
That’ll do for this month – whew! See you in September for my August wrap-up.
Until then, happy reading!
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After Hours - Chapter 12
Previous Chapter
Summary: A night in Loki's bed~
Chapters: 12/?
Words: 1800+
Warnings: smut
Tags: @milkymaidme @dangertoozmanykids101@alexakeyloveloki @little-moonbeam-666 @marvel-ous-fics@clovermariear@lynnesm@bitchyikes@moon-child-of-a-poet, @allthecraftandthings@bubblegumspitt @shockwavee @blondekel77 @nerd–nirvana @valdemarismynonbinarylove@nightrose64 @pastelhexmaniac @iistormii
If you’d like to be added, let me know. I’ve also posted this on AO3
-----------
"Mm…"
Evelyn's eyes were heavy as she slowly opened them, her body as light as a feather, soaked in post-nut bliss. The last thing she remembered was her professor’s cock as he fucked the soul right out of her, before promptly passing out from the overwhelming pleasure.
Evelyn thought it would be morning, but it seemed only a few minutes had passed since she fainted.
She felt wet, hot kisses alongside her neck and shoulder, the strong arms of her lover cradling her from behind. Evelyn's mind was still hazy from her orgasm, and her mumbled words almost sounded incoherent to the ear, "wha...what happened...?"
Loki stopped his kisses at the sound of her voice, and she could feel his naked chest rumble against her back as he chuckled lightly, “You passed out, pet,” he turned her around to face him fully, kissing her lips, “How do you feel?"
"...Like I'm in a dream," Evelyn said airily, her eyes lidded. She cuddled closer to him, nuzzling her nose against his neck, “And I don’t wanna move...”
“Thank goodness,” he breathed, relief palpable in his voice, “ I lost control of myself for a moment. I feared I may have hurt you inadvertently,”
“Um, only a little. But…I really liked it,” Evelyn hid her face further into his neck, feeling a little shy. He did get slightly rougher towards the end, but she enjoyed that much more than she expected.
She felt so blissful and listless, that she didn’t want to leave his embrace for the foreseeable future. She wanted to lie there in his arms all night, and into the morning.
But...did Loki want her to stay?
She assumed he did, he hadn’t said anything about taking her home yet… but he had a lecture early in the morning and she had no extra clothes.
Evelyn decided not to bring it up, and hoped he was just as content with her being there as she was.
However, she started to panic inwardly when he began to shift into an upright position, looking as if he wanted to get up from the bed.
Without thinking, she hurriedly wrapped her arms around him, preventing him from moving any further, “Uh… where’re you goin’?”
Loki raised a brow in an amused fashion, a smile tugging at his lips, “ To the bathroom, pet. I’m in need of a shower,” he removed her arms that hugged his torso in a gentle fashion, still keeping her close, “Care to join me?”
“!”
Although they had literally just fucked, Evelyn still managed to feel weird about the notion of taking a shower with Loki. His head had been between her legs, for goodness sake. What else was there to be coy about?
Perhaps because taking a shower with a man, in such a close space, seemed extremely intimate to her.
"Uhm, yeah! Can I... really join?"
She hurried out with a reply, since she noticed that she was staring at him dumbly for a few seconds.
He chuckled, moving fully off of the bed, “Well, I asked for a reason.”
She watched as his naked form walked from the bed and to double doors at the end of the room - which she assumed led to the bathroom - and opened them ajar, “ Are you coming, darling?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m coming!” Evelyn was distracted once again by his naked body - more specifically, his ass. So she didn’t notice he was waiting for her at the door.
She went to stand, but then her legs started to shake and buckle, and she placed a hand on the side table quickly for stability, yelping in surprise at the loss of balance.
Because of certain activities, Evelyn’s legs felt as good as a newborn deer.
Loki noticed her struggle instantly, and he was by her side in a flash. Instead of concern however, the smile on his face looked a bit too satisfied, “ Hold onto me, I’ll carry you.”
She gave him an aggrieved look, but accepted his assistance until her legs felt okay again.
When they reached, she failed to mask her surprise at how large the bathroom actually was. She let go of him, stepping towards a glass shower with an attached Jacuzzi.
If this ain’t the fanciest shit I’ve ever seen…
Evelyn also noticed that his shower had a very nice view of the night sky, since it was basically right next to a large glass window. And that there were no curtains obstructing said view.
“Uhm, do you have curtains...? For the window?” There was a startling lack of privacy - anyone could look up from below the house and watch them in all their naked glory.
Loki only gave her a confused look,” Why would I?”
“But, but anyone outside could see..."
Granted, his neighbors weren’t anywhere close. But it still nagged at her.
“Then, let’s hope they enjoy the show.”
No longer paying her any mind, he took a hold of her hand to lead her into the shower. It was rather spacious, so they weren’t cramped together. Not that she would’ve minded, anyway.
As he turned on the shower, Evelyn couldn’t help glancing out the window once again. It was pitch black with the exception of the stars, so it was actually very romantic. But she still wasn’t used to being this...exposed.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Loki touched her bare shoulders, the spray of the water now pelting against their skin, “While you enjoy the view, I’ll help you shower.”
“...Help me? How-” She was silenced once she felt cool liquid pouring down her back, and she shivered at the unexpected sensation.
“Like this,” he said simply, lathering her shoulders with the soap. He applied a bit of pressure here and there as his fingers glided across her skin, and her eyes fluttered shut at his touch, soft moans escaping her lips. It was innocent and relaxing so far, just having him touch her this way. But his attention then slowly transitioned towards her breasts.
“ -Hm!” They were still pretty sensitive from before. So when his hands reached underneath to cup them, her backside jerked against his groin, ”Ah, still tender aren’t they? I’ll be gentle,” Loki took an especially long time lathering her breasts with soap, playing with her nipples as he did so.
Evelyn's hands went to cover his, her ass grinding against the cock pressed against her lower back. Her vision was starting to get hazy with the steam from the water, and her mind was once again enveloped with euphoria.
“I love every part of you. But I must admit... these are especially my favorite,”
“If...if you keep doing this, I…”
“Doing what, pet? I’m only helping you wash. Thoroughly.” He replied in a mischievous manner, never ceasing his pinching and tugging.
After a while, he leaned down to whisper into her ear, voice hoarse with lust, “Part your legs for me.”
With her body pliant in his hands, Evelyn didn’t dare disobey. She parted them immediately, and he abandoned her breasts to descend downward. Using both hands, he began to spread her lips with his devious fingers.
“...Ah!” She couldn’t keep still, fidgeting as his fingers explored the depths of her warmth. Evelyn felt over-stimulated from their earlier tryst, so for him to touch her again so soon…
She gripped his arms, her eyes squeezing shut.
“Keep squirming, and I’ll have to punish you,” Loki’s voice was deceptively gentle as he continued his relentless probing, “You are making it quite difficult to clean.”
Evelyn had no idea what this ‘punishment’ would entail, and she did not want to find out. However, he didn’t exactly make it easy.
It didn’t take long before she became a shuddering mess in his arms, her arousal hardly distinguishable from the water dripping down her thighs.
“Naughty thing, cumming while I’m only helping you wash,” he tutted in a scolding manner, removing his hands from between her legs to show her the stringy arousal between his fingers.
She watched in astonishment as he brought a hand to his lips, suckling her juices into his mouth.
“Why...why are you like this…?” Evelyn whispered, unsure of how to react to his perverted display.
“Hmm...why indeed?” He then turned her around to face him, handing her the bottle of soap, “Now my turn.”
”...Huh?”
“Hard of hearing, aren’t you?”
Evelyn scrunched up her brows, grabbing the bottle from his grasp,” I...I heard you.”
Loki only smiled amusedly at her peeved expression, “Then get to washing, little one. I can’t be the only one working hard here.”
He certainly worked hard alright, if the appendage bobbing between them was any indication.
Evelyn attempted to ignore it, pouring soap into her hands before reaching up to lather his shoulders.
His muscles felt firm underneath her fingers, her mind trailing off as her hands went into his long, wet hair. “…You know,”
Evelyn wasn’t sure what prompted her to say what she did next, but her heart felt so full and happy, she couldn’t help but express it, “I still can’t believe I’m with you now...like this,” she pressed her face against his bare chest, hugging him underneath the spray of the water, “ Just over a year ago, this was...a fantasy to me. You were good to look at, a crush I couldn’t even attempt to try and touch. My beautiful professor,”
Loki laughed lightly at the compliment, taken aback, “ Beautiful?”
Evelyn snorted, “ Pfft, that’s what you focused on? And yeah, you’re a pretty man. Just my type.”
“Pretty man, now that’s a first,” She looked up from his chest to see him smiling serenely at her, his gaze so tender…
“You have no idea how much of a fantasy you were to me as well, my dear Evelyn.”
They exited the shower after a while, fully refreshed and content. Well, she should’ve felt content, but nerves once again bubbled into her stomach once she thought about having to leave.
He was probably expecting her to put on the dirty clothes strewn about on the floor, so he could take her home -
“Ah, perhaps I should remind you,” Loki interrupted her internal panic, sauntering casually to the bed as he removed the towel covering his lower half, “ Tell your sister you won’t be going back tonight, if you haven’t already. I would hate to have her worry without reason,”
Loki paused as he began to lift the covers, shooting her a raised brow in query, “Unless... you didn’t intend to stay?”
Relief fell on her shoulders like a ton of bricks, and she wondered if it was visible on her face at that moment.
“ I’m staying! I mean...I want to stay the night. I’ll let her know...”
Evelyn’s face began to heat up in embarrassment as he gave her an odd look at the strange outburst, avoiding his eyes as she began to look for her purse that was most likely on the floor with her clothes.
She found it eventually at the far corner of the room - clueless as to how it was thrown at such a distance - and stooped to reach for the device, holding up her towel as she did so.
Thankfully her phone hadn’t died, so she shot Candice a quick text to let her know she wouldn’t be coming home that night.
Evelyn was surprised once she heard a ‘ping!’ almost immediately after she’d sent the text, since she assumed her sister would be asleep right now.
Candice- I hope y’all ain’t raw doggin’ it over there. Protect ur self.
...She shut off her phone quickly after reading the message.
“Is everything alright, love?”
“Mhm! She just said to have fun, hehe…”
“Then come here,” Loki lounged nude amongst the black, silky sheets, patting the empty side of the bed, “I’m getting quite cold without you.”
Evelyn hurriedly joined him on the bed at his beckoning, dropping the towel to the floor before climbing in.
He pulled her body flush against his as soon as she was underneath the covers, then proceeded to occupy her lips with his own.
God, he was such a good kisser - She loved the feel of his tongue inside her mouth, and she could feel her body growing hot once more.
“I’m going to fuck this pretty little pussy sore, my sweet girl. I’m far from done with you.”
And her beautiful professor was true to his word.
Because she could hardly walk the following morning.
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Ok actually I know the tags on my gif post I just did said I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, but I’m feeling strangely articulate tonight so here we go. Long-winded under the cut.
TL;DR - Real life is (and will continue to be) a busy bitch, a writer’s ego is a fragile thing, and my Lightning Struck series (Cullen/Evelyn) can now be considered on indefinite hiatus.
Hi! Yes, I’m alive and well and I really do appreciate the messages asking if I was all right and checking on me. You’re all too sweet and kind, and I’m so grateful for each and every one of you. Keep that in mind as this ramble continues, please.
This has been a weird year already, and it’s only March. Normally I’d be like “IT’S ALREADY MARCH?!” but no, this year...It’s only March. That’s how I’ve been feeling.
January started off with a weird mood for me. Over the holidays I had the usual family stress and blahness that comes with adulthood, but a few fandom things happened too that put me into a rather...difficult headspace, shall we say. For one thing, I will say I’ve noticed I’m not the only one who’s pointed out that it feels like the fandom is dying. And it is. Which is sad. I feel like I only just got here - I’ve played DA for years but I only really started to interact with its fandom in late 2017, so for me it was still all fresh and new and exciting. Seeing that die down, compounded with the Tumblr wank, especially, was really disappointing.
As a creator, too, it was hard not to take that personally. It was hard not to take people moving on to other fandoms and interests and things as an indictment on my work. Rational brain knew that that was the problem, rational me knew that we were all just moving on because other things were catching our interest. It’s natural. But dumb, idiot writer brain was struggling with the fact that I was feeling like I was screaming into the void.
What bothered me more was that I even cared. I never once wanted to care about that. I always preach writing for oneself, and that’s why I write. But I hated the fact that for a time I’d gotten so much feedback that I noticed its absence when it died down a little. And that’s not anyone’s fault, I’m not begging for comments or feedback, seriously. Again, rational me was shrugging and still wanted to write for me because it was fun and I enjoy it, but the fragile writer ego we all carry around inside us took a hit and began to doubt.
It stopped being fun. Especially because it wasn’t necessarily a total lack of feedback - it was, for me, a lack of feedback on what I was actually, currently working on. Over the holidays for some reason I began to get comments on WIPs that I hadn’t updated in ages - asking me for updates. Now, everyone has their own opinion on those sorts of comments, so this is only my own, and take it with a grain of salt and everything I just mentioned above.
It sucked. It absolutely, 100% sucked. Seeing the email notification that I got a comment would bring me so much joy - only to open it to see that it was a comment on something I hadn’t written for in a long time asking me when I’d feel like providing more content for that fic again. I began to feel like fic was a transaction and I was piling up debts. I started to feel like I owed fandom and readers what they wanted, instead of doing this for the reason I started in the first place - for myself.
I know that Rylen is niche. I know that fics that have very little to do with canon are niche. I know that Abby isn’t always super likable. I know that John is off-putting because he’s such a morally ambiguous OC who has nothing to do with DA and makes really shit decisions. I know all of that, and I’ve never expected any of those fics to get any sort of response, so the fact that they’ve gotten the response that they have still blows my mind and makes me insanely, insanely happy. And so I hated that I felt ungrateful, and that I was doubting my work, and that writing and fandom was beginning to feel like a labor and not something I loved.
The more I noticed I was struggling with working on updates, the more I started to think a break might be in order. When some RL stuff finally cropped up, the fact that I was sort of forced into a break was a blessing in disguise, to be honest. I leaned into the skid and let myself step back to reevaluate why I do this and what I want to get out of it. I fell into a new fandom and worked on random pieces of writing for it, which I threw into the voids of ao3 on a second account and only shared for myself and a few friends who were also falling into that fandom with me. I rediscovered the joy of writing and not caring what response I get. I reignited my love of crafting a story a certain way because I wanted to and not because I thought it was where anyone else thought it should go.
I remembered why I love writing in the first place - for myself.
And with that, I finally began to let go of some things, and let myself mull over decisions I’d been putting off or avoiding. I shrugged off the stress of expectation and “owing” anyone my time or effort, and I’m finally back to enjoying myself and my writing, free of doubt.
With that, I have some news, good and bad. The bad news first - my Cullen muse has left the building. I have waited, and hoped, and tried, but at some point he walked out the door and he hasn’t made an appearance since. That isn’t to say that I don’t still love his character or content about him, but personally, I can no longer write his POV or romance. The ability to do so has eluded me for months now, but I’ve accepted this sad truth at long last. Unless he’s trading banter with Rylen or Abby, his muse is no longer whispering in my ear. And that makes me sad, and for all I know he’ll reemerge some day, ready to help me write again. For now, though, that isn’t possible. Which does, unfortunately, mean that my Cullen/Evelyn WIPs are currently either abandoned or on an indefinite hiatus (I’ve tagged them appropriately on ao3 if you’re curious). If I do manage to return to them, I expect to only focus on Moments Passed and Miss Grey. As for what I’ll do about Beautiful Disaster...I’m not quite certain yet.
It did also mean that I was able to let go of something that had bothered me for a while as well. I’m almost positive no one noticed since it’s been kind of off radar for a while, but - my fic What Are the Odds has been orphaned. I’m still proud of it as a fic, but it came with a lot of baggage and my Cullen/Evelyn pairing was just ever so slightly OOC to the point that comments on it made me cringe. I’m a firm believer in not deleting, and so off to the fandom as an orphaned work it went, to be enjoyed without me having to be aware of it at all.
Now, the good news is - I do 100% still plan on writing Abby/Rylen. Their muses are still there and whispering to me, and I definitely want to continue working on the WIPs I have for them. At the moment After Rain might be slow to update (need to figure out how I’m navigating some canon plot to get me from point A to B to C to D and on). But I plan on trying to finish it as well as the others that I have for them. Abby/Ry live on, because I absolutely love them so much, and the idea of writing for them is back to bringing me joy.
I cannot make guarantees on update speed for the foreseeable future, possibly for the rest of the year. Currently RL continues to be a shitshow, as I was reminded today, and writing more than a sentence here or there has been difficult. In a few months I will also be moving, and once at my new destination I actually have a Big Project (a writing one I hope to be able to share here, if people are still around/Tumblr is still a thing) that I intend to make my full time focus. My goal has always been to be a writer, and while fanfic has been an amazing way to explore my writing style/storytelling/character voice, I have plans to get published. I’ll have a better opportunity to put those plans into realistic action later this year, which I’m actually really, insanely excited about.
If you have made it this far, THANK YOU. I love this fandom, and I’ve met so many wonderful, lovely, supportive, talented people in it and I have missed you all dearly during my time away. In no way was this a call out post directed at anyone in particular, and in no way was this a “woe is me, please give me attention” cry for help. I’ve just had a lot of thoughts and feelings during this break, and I actually wanted to sort of vocalize them because: 1) wow I already feel better after doing so, and 2) to let other writers know it’s 100% valid to need to take a break or occasionally get in your head about needing validation/feedback/wonder why we do this when it just feels like screaming into a fathomless void. It’s natural and normal and totally human, and if you’re feeling that way, find someone supportive to help you through and take a step back. Everything will be waiting there for you when you’re ready for it. And remember - do it for yourself because it’s something you enjoy.
xx
#lara rambles#long post#do n/ot/ reblog#seriously please#no reblobbies#thank you for the love while i was away#i'll try to be around more often now#xx
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What the Dietitians Who Invented Intuitive ingesting think about weight-reduction plan lifestyle today
Intuitive ingesting has become wildly popular inside the past couple of years, however, the one-of-a-type anti-dieting framework has been around for 25 years now. The first edition of Intuitive eating changed into posted in 1995 by using dietitians,
ingesting sickness specialists, and nutrients therapists Evelyn Tribole, M.S., R.D.N., and Elyse Resch, M.S., R.D.N. The modern book laid out the 10 ideas in their mind-body method of finding peace and freedom with meals and body—a private procedure that empowers human beings to reconnect with their inner know-how approximately consuming.
Ultimate month, Tribole and Resch posted the fourth edition of their definitive textual content, at a time whilst the wide variety of humans questioning or in open rise up towards weight-reduction plan lifestyle has by no means been more—or the embrace of intuitive consuming wider.
Extra widely, of direction, this is a profound and precarious second complete of challenges (the pandemic) and opportunities for transformative exchange (the actions towards anti-Black racism). “It’s a form of interesting that our book got here out these days inside the midst of everything that’s occurring within the world, especially at some stage in this time of seeking out social justice in each feasible way,” Tribole tells SELF. “We’re in this time of high-quality uncertainty on such a lot of degrees, and with that uncertainty is all this capability for revolution—at an inner level, at a community stage, and on an international level,” Tribole explains. “We want to have strength so that you can be part of that. And in case you’re weight-reduction plan, you’re going to be preoccupied.”
SELF spoke with the authors about what’s new in this updated version, the evolution of intuitive ingesting, the methods that their work is attached to current occasions—and what they are nevertheless gaining knowledge of.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity and length.
SELF: Why did you need to post a new version now?
Tribole: there are numerous motives. While we first began Intuitive ingesting, 25 years ago, let's imagine it was studies-stimulated, stimulated with the aid of our scientific enjoy operating with clients. However rapid-ahead to these days, and we've greater than one hundred twenty-five research on our paintings displaying an effect.
Also, lots have changed. We desired to surely deal with the weight-reduction plan way of life. It’s so form-transferring and so pervasive—we had been seeing customers who don’t become aware of the term weight-reduction plan. They’ll say, “Oh, I don’t weight-reduction plan, I do the keto lifestyle.” We were like, Ooh, we need to deal with that. We want to address fitness at each size.
And we made great modifications to the concepts of intuitive eating. The core continues to be the same, however, we changed the [principle] on handling your feelings. We used to mention, “address your emotions without using food,” but [emotional eating] has ended up so pathologized in weight-reduction plan subculture. Elyse and I truly gave it a whole lot of ideas and changed it to “deal with your feelings with kindness.” And throughout this time of COVID, we’ve surely simply seen extra how essential this is. After which we also changed the period exercise to movement, once more as it’s been so militarized and pathologized in our subculture.
Resch: We wanted to spend numerous time looking at weight bias and weight stigma, due to the fact we haven’t within the past. Our third version got here out in 2012, and we concept we had been handling that. And but we were shocked at some of the language we had used. We have been certainly looking to give ourselves a whole lot of grace due to the fact—this applies to many regions—you handiest realize what whilst you are aware of it. And whilst we wrote the first edition of the e-book 25 years ago, we were now not developed in the way we are today. So we checked out the book with an essential eye to make certain we were doing away with any form of stigmatizing language and supporting people flow extra toward self-recognition and self-love in a deeper manner.
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Tribole: just to add to what Elyse is saying, that changed into truly honestly humbling to go returned and be wincing, saying, ‘Oh, my God, we wrote that? How did that get via?’ but you recognize, we’ve also truly determined to be transparent about this—that we all evolve and develop and exchange.
I assume in the long run, with wherein we’re at in today’s global, we need to have more humility. We need cultural humility, we need intellectual humility, we need lived experience humility. And now searching on the intersection of racism and diet tradition, that’s certainly profound. We touched on it, but we didn’t unpack it on this edition. So I nonetheless see a 5th one coming out!
[Both laugh]
Resch: Oh, Evelyn!
Tribole: nicely, I’m just announcing! Doing a deep dive, and then searching at our very own internalized racism. Doing unlearning, doing gaining knowledge of, and then looking at and analyzing our model in phrases of how we can do better. Because if we don’t address racism, I don’t think we’re ever surely going to efficaciously address fatphobia and weight stigma. So we've got several works to do.
Numerous us are doing plenty of studying and unlearning proper now, so I suppose it’s essential for people to have examples of humility and mastering.
Resch: We promote so much self-compassion at some point in the book and with everyone we speak to. And self-compassion consists of having this humility and now not being indignant at ourselves. As I stated before, we will most effectively realize what we understand when we comprehend it. After which it’s what we do with that after we're wakened to that new know-how…. We want to be gaining knowledge of each day, and we want to be talking up each day.
Tribole: while we begin looking at diet lifestyle being rooted in racism—I’m glad to say, we cite Sabrina Stringers’s e-book, Fearing the Black frame: The Racist Origins of Fatphobia. And one of the things we are saying in this edition is that today we've got now not best the health enterprise, the weight loss industry, however, we've got hospital treatment and fitness care is a part of weight loss program lifestyle. That's irritating. Because now we have sufferers coming in with this pressure to change their frame no longer simply from the way of life, however from health care.
And this is going on even though we have a profound body of research showing that the act of dieting—the act of reducing your food intake to shrink your frame—now not best does it not work, it honestly causes damage, biological damage, mental harm. It increases the threat of ingesting problems and weight stigma. While you examine the fact that eating issues charges have doubled, it’s a travesty. I assume it is in element because the weight loss program lifestyle has ended up so normalized. You realize, humans didn’t use to head bragging approximately keto or the contemporary rapid they were on. And it’s like, “Wow, we've got lots of work to do, Elyse!”
Resch: We should spend time also teaching the scientific community due to the fact there’s an entire notion device on weight and the risks of what they recall “extra weight,” so we have a variety of paintings to do.
Why do you believe you studied intuitive ingesting has truly stuck hearth these days?
Resch: So, I’m a feminist from the second wave of feminism, again inside the ’70s. And I suppose we've got gotten to a degree where we do now not need to be advised how we must look, how we must devour…a point where we want to take lower back the delight of eating, the pleasure in eating and make selections for ourselves in a self-sufficient manner.
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It’s been the type of viral, with such a lot of magazines and on-line articles about intuitive ingesting on this beyond yr. And I assume there’s something to do with the political environment…. We are becoming to a point in which we’re tired of being instructed what to do, and we’re uninterested in feeling unsuccessful and terrible approximately ourselves.
Tribole: humans are bored with being advised, “There’s something incorrect with you, there’s something wrong with your body,” when it turns out, no, it’s our lifestyle. And you could take your energy back. The concept is to reclaim the pleasure of ingesting. Eating is meant to be fun! It’s become this supply of disgrace and guilt when it’s sincerely meant to be a source of satisfaction and reference to different human beings. And while you get that lower back, it’s first-rate. You’re extra alive, you’re more present in your relationships without being preoccupied.
Resch: It’s liberating. The much less you’re worried about doing something incorrect in your eating and the greater tuned in you're on your very own body. It opens this space for bringing greater significant things into existence, whilst you are taking out that one big piece that’s on such a lot of people’s minds.
Tribole: And yet while people are in marginalized bodies, they need to feel secure within the international, so it’s additionally understandable that in this time of splendid problem human beings were feeling precipitated to get lower back into the weight-reduction plan. Due to the fact food plan lifestyle offers actuality at a time of uncertainty. It offers fable, and desire, and particular guidelines that preserve your mind off of the tension of what’s going to take place inside the globe. But the trouble is, it’s short-lived. I additionally paintings with loads of folks been prompted by way of this time, and that I say it’s understandable because weight loss plan culture’s everywhere.
Resch: I think you’re right, Evelyn. It’s simply this fake experience of management in an international wherein there is no manipulate. So we do need to have compassion for those who do take that path and assist them understand the psychology of why they're doing that. However, there’s plenty of alleviation that comes whilst you let cross of the notion that you may use something like dieting to present yourself an experience of manipulating the sector, actual control, while there isn’t any. You pass on an eating regimen to attempt to manage things, and it doesn’t exercise sessions, and it’s no longer going to repair the pandemic.
Tribole: I’m additionally considering the obsession with lavatory paper. I've never in my existence ever centered on rest room paper, after which all of a sudden, I’m like, “Do I have enough? Is it there?” And that’s what it’s like with dieting. All of a surprise you want what you can’t have, you need what is in quick supply, and also you come to be fixated on that. I assume it’s an apt metaphor for making peace with food, and what occurs while you don’t make peace with food.
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Unraveling
Title: Unraveling
Summary: Dan knew he was different from other children very early on. He never lost his 'imaginary friends', they only became a more integral part of his life. Living with his illness is never easy and with a secret as large as his, cracks are bound to appear. While he isn't ashamed of his DID, he knows the consequences of telling the wrong people.
Word Count: 21k
Warnings: Smoking, mention of drug use, drinking, mentions of past trauma, anxiety
A/N: I’m really sorry to everyone on mobile because read mores don’t work and this is long af. This fic is my actual child and I’m so happy with how it turned out. So much time and research went into this fic. I wanted it to be as medically accurate as possible.
I got the inspiration of this fic when I stumbled upon a youtuber named Jess who posts videos about her DID. She and all of her alters are amazing and I just want everyone to know their story and learn that DID isn’t scary like the media makes it out to be.
Also huge shout out to @phansdick and @theinsanityplays for listening to me complain about my inability to do this topic justice and for giving me ideas when I was in a rut. And I can’t forget the amazing @moonlitdan for being a lovely beta.
If there are any inaccuracies with this fic, please let me know so I can change them!
That was a really long author’s note. Okay. Enjoy!
Read on AO3!
Dan only remembered very brief moments in his life where he didn’t have alters. In fact, there’s only a handful of memories, enough that he could count them on one hand. As early as six he remembers playing with Evelyn, having her guide him through the nights. He didn’t know why, it happened or when it started, and he still could not access the reasons behind his disorder. All he knew was that his alters protected him and that was more than enough reasoning for him. It couldn't have been pleasant if his mind had to split into pieces in order to get through.
Evelyn was his best friend. She was there for him through thick and thin. At nights when the threat of the monster coming out from under the bed was strong, Evelyn would rock him to sleep. She would make sure that he went to bed at a reasonable time and woke up early enough to get ready for school. She kept him fed and clean, she helped him with his homework and made sure he paid attention in class. She would hold his hand as they crossed the street and if someone gave Dan what they used to call the ‘heebie jeebies’, Evelyn would take over until she could get Dan to safety.
Dan would insist on setting a place for Evelyn at the dinner table and for a short while his parents went along with it. After all, all children have imaginary friends until they grow up and make real friends. But time went on, Dan got older, and Evelyn stayed right by his side.
When Dan was eight, he started getting notices sent home about his ‘overactive imagination’. His parents and teachers would have conferences where seeing a specialist of childhood development was mentioned. Children were meant to lose their imaginary friends as they got older, but Dan’s relationship with Evelyn only seemed to strengthen.
Still, Dan’s parents didn’t want to admit there was a problem. They were content to live in a bubble where Dan would one day leave his ‘friend’ behind and go on to be a functioning member of society. This denial of the issues led to Kaleb.
For the remainder of his childhood into his teen years, Dan’s parents would make snide comments fully believing themselves to be constructive.
“Haven’t heard from Evelyn in a fair few days. She finally disappear or did she just take a mini vacation?’
“When are you going to grow up and drop this imaginary friend bullshit?”
“The two of you were inseparable, did you have a fight or something?”
“Honey, Dan’s just seeking attention. If we ignore this ‘Evelyn’ stuff, it will go away’.
Dan grew uncomfortable talking about Evelyn to the point where he just stopped mentioning her in front of people. Between the two of them, they decided that around people who knew Dan, Evelyn wouldn’t act like Evelyn, but she would do her best Dan Howell impression. People started to buy it and they lived comfortably for years.
It was when Dan was twelve that he discovered a new person in his head. He didn’t even know they existed for a fair few weeks.
Dan was getting in trouble more often than not, both at home and at school. Things would get broken that Dan didn’t remember breaking. Notes from teachers would go missing; notes that Dan didn’t even remember getting. He would come to in the middle of the night standing in the middle of his childhood park, stuck to find his way home and sneak into the house.
Every time his parents reprimanded him, he would say the same thing.
I don’t remember, it wasn’t me.
He started to turn his back on Evelyn, convinced that she was the one who was ruining his life. He’d spent his entire life trusting her with his body so why wouldn’t she take it for some joyrides? Afterall, Dan knew she had her own separate will so it wasn’t an impossible theory.
Three long weeks he spent ignoring Evelyn, starting to believe his parents when they said that if he ignored the problem it would go away. That perhaps there wasn’t even a problem to begin with. Perhaps it was just in his head.
This operation clearly didn’t work out too well and it all came to a head when he got home from school one day.
“Dan. Who is Kaleb?” Dan’s mother asked with a bite in her tone. Her hands were on her hips while his father sat quietly in a nearby rocking chair.
Dan, who had never once heard that name before in his life tried to wrack his brain. Was Kaleb another kid at his school? Did something happen to this Kaleb that he should be made aware of? What did this Kaleb do and why did it anger his parents so?
“I don’t know. Who’s Kaleb?” Dan asked, trying to work together an incomplete puzzle.
His parents didn’t answer. Instead his mother shoved a note into his hands and stormed off into the kitchen where loud clanking of dishes could be heard.
“Just go to your room, son. I think your mother and I need some time to process. We’ll be in shortly.” His dad didn’t move from his seat, still hadn’t looked at Dan since he came home, so Dan simply did as he was told.
With a slump of his upper body, Dan dragged himself upstairs, down the hall and into his room. Inside was a mix of things that most people wouldn’t think went together. There were black sheets and covers. The walls were a dark brown with little stick-on flower petals on every wall. There were baby dolls left over from his younger days and his childhood bear he slept with every night. His legos were in a box in the corner and he had a tv with a basic gaming console attached.
Dan dropped his bag onto his messy desk, Evelyn had refused to straighten up until Dan apologized, and headed straight for his bed. He had been hoping for a nap after the stressful day he’d had at school but his mind was now preoccupied with the note held between his hands. As he got comfortable on the bed he unfolded the paper and started to read.
Dear Mr and Mrs. Howell,
It has come to my attention that Daniel has been having far more outbursts than normal. He is unusually chaotic and distracting to his fellow students. He will refuse to do his work and insist on being called ‘Kaleb’. At first we believed it to be just another phase but after consulting with the school psychologist we no longer believe this to be normal pre-teen behaviour.
While we cannot force you to seek outside assistance for your child, we will need to set up a meeting to see what can be done about this disruptive behaviour. If it continues on at its current pace, we will be forced to take action and move Daniel to a class better suited to his needs.
Please call at your earliest convenience to set up an appointment with the school psychologist and Daniel’s guidance counselor. I will also be in attendance as well as Daniel’s teacher.
I do hope we can find a solution to this that will be beneficial to everyone.
Sincerely,
Principal Edwin Macafee
Dan read over the letter several times, trying to get a grasp on what the contents really were saying. He got his answer on what his parents were referring to when they mentioned Kaleb, but it wasn’t another student, it was him.
Without noticing, Dan started crying. It wasn’t a normal cry, but a full on sob. He couldn’t remember. He didn’t know that he had been doing so poorly. He was a good student, a good person. Evelyn made sure of that but for once, even Evelyn couldn’t protect him.
For the longest time after that meltdown, Dan’s parents still stayed in denial. It wasn’t until he was fifteen that they agreed it was time to seek outside help.
Dan had started to lose more and more time, not able to recollect entire conversations, classes, even people. It got to the point where Dan wasn’t Dan for days at a time. His alters would step forward more often than not, letting Dan retreat into a safe place in his mind.
He was taken to his normal doctor who recommended a therapist to him. After two months on the waiting list, he finally got an appointment.
Dr. Kayla Longburg was a middle aged woman who specialized in childhood depression and anxiety. Throughout the first couple of sessions she had diagnosed Dan with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He didn’t agree with the diagnosis, but having a name to his experiences was enough for him to go along with it.
He saw Dr. Longburg once a week, every thursday afternoon for two years. Somewhere along the way he was put on medicine to help ease his symptoms, but they didn’t help. He still lost time. There were still days where he wasn’t Dan. He still had Evelyn help him to sleep at night and Kaleb was still a little shit to everyone he met.
It wasn’t until Evelyn came out during a session that things started to change.
Before that time, Dan’s alters stayed hidden. Kaleb insisted that it was best to hide them away, act as though they weren’t as big in his lives as they were. Even Evelyn, who was generally the level headed one, was concerned that if anyone knew there were others living within Dan, the doctors and Dan’s parents would do everything in their power to ‘kill’ the alters.
During one session, Dr. Longburg was trying to get Dan to speak about his early childhood. She believed getting to the root of his issues would solve them. To speak about the trauma would bring light to his illness and perhaps start to believe them. Instead, with each insistence that Dan could remember if he tried hard enough, panic built up.
Dan knew he was going to switch before it happened. He got light headed and felt as though all of the energy was drained from his body. It felt like he was fighting against himself just to stay alive, and in some ways he was. As the panic built, the headache grew and Dan didn’t want to fight anymore. His eyes glazed over and he felt himself falling into his inner world.
Evelyn stepped out and this was the first time that Dan could see and hear what Evelyn could. The doctor caught on to the change in Dan’s body language, no longer hunched over himself but instead sat up straight as an arrow. His hands uncurled themselves and sat calmly in his lap.
“Dan does not remember and Dan does not remember for good reason. Stop prying. It’s hard to protect him when you’re making him think about the very thing that caused this.” Evelyn’s voice was strong, there was not a single stutter or hesitation and the words rang proudly through Dan’s ears. It was okay because Evelyn was here.
“Dan there’s no need to talk in third person.” The doctor replied after a moment of composure. It was evident that she was shocked by the outburst. In the entire two years she’d been with Dan, she’d never once seen him act this way.
“I’m not Dan. Why can’t anyone get that through their heads? Dan is not here. You forced him to retreat. You forced me to come out. You hurt him and that hurts me.” Evelyn stood her ground, giving up the very information the system swore to keep labeled top secret.
“If you are not Dan,” The Doctor started slowly, stopping herself mid sentence to jot a million things down on the notepad laid in her lap. “If you are not Dan then to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?”
“I’m Evelyn and the pleasure is all yours.”
It took a few more sessions before Dan was officially diagnosed with DID, or Dissociative Identity disorder. His therapist brought it up a few sessions after the Evelyn outburst and suddenly things clicked for Dan. While it was a thrilling and relieving moment learning about what DID was and connecting the dots between the disorder and his own life, it was a short lived victory. Dan’s therapist decided that what would be best for Dan was moving on to a more qualified therapist, one who understood DID and could teach Dan how to work with his diagnosis.
While he wasn’t the biggest fan of Dr. Longburg, he had grown accustomed to seeing her. She was abandoning him. He was no longer good enough for her to treat.
While that day was one of his happiest, it was also the first and only time Dr. Longburg would see Kaleb, who did not take the news lightly.
Dan transitioned, but unlike what happened with Evelyn, he had no way of knowing what was happening in the outside world. He could only fill in by what his therapist and his parents told him.
His parents had to be called in, Dan’s father doing his best to restrain Kaleb in an attempt to calm him down. He kicked and screamed and tried his best to run away from the situation, but no one would let him.
After Kaleb calmed down enough for everyone to talk, Dr. Longburg calmly explained what was the cause of the outburst, what a transition was and what the game plan would be from there on out. They were reassured that what Dan had was a real disorder and that this was not to be mistaken as childhood imagination.
His new therapist wasn’t as nice as Dr. Longburg, but he was much more well versed in the issues Dan faced. Unlike his old sessions, his new ones were not based around recollecting his past trauma. Instead, he learned about his illness, why it occurred, how it works, and how it helps him.
For the first time in Dan’s life, he didn’t feel crazy when he talked about his alters. He didn’t feel like they were a dirty secret to hide. He described each in detail and Dr. Patterson compiled a list of their duties and personalities. They were able to pinpoint the reasons why each alter came out and Dan could begin to see a theme. By getting to know his alters and their roles, he could foresee a transition far sooner than he used to.
Evelyn was the protector. She grew up alongside him, aging at the same rate as Dan. Any time Dan felt threatened by his environment, she would take over to protect the system from any harm. She was kind and outgoing. She knew how to soothe any ailments and how to make sure the system kept moving. She made sure the alters got along as well as they could, and Dan kept the body healthy.
Kaleb was the persecutor of the system and even though for most of the time Dan knew Kaleb he did not like him, he started to come around and see his strengths rather than the flaws. Kaleb was brash and outspoken. He loved to party and could smoke up to a pack a day. He was flirtatious and possibly had a mild obsession with sex. Kaleb was diagnosed with Depression while Dan had not been.
On top of learning about his alters and their purposes, he learned that keeping a set schedule and allowing each alter to have their time with the body was key to living as normal a life as he could. An entire month of sessions was dedicated to the co-consciousness Dan would sometimes experience and how he could use these moments to find out his alters’ hopes and dreams.
Collectively, with the aid of Dr. Petterson, Dan and his alters formed a halfway decent schedule that made time for each person.They would have a bedtime of 1am and wake up at 9am. Evelyn would be able to come out in the mornings, taking care of Dan’s medications and keeping order throughout the system. Kaleb could have a few nights to go out, getting a chance to be the social butterfly he was and blow off some steam in less destructive ways than before. And Dan was left to be Dan the rest of the time.
He started to keep a journal to help piece together the times he was in his head. The alters came up with a note leaving system as well. There was a white board hung in his room with different coloured magnets attached. Each colour was assigned to a different alter, black was Dan, blue was Kaleb and orange was Evelyn. They would leave notes to each other, filling them in on their responsibilities of the day and little tidbits to fill in the gaps. He wasn’t usually able to recall the times when his alters were out, but by asking those around him and making a detailed collection of the notes passed between, he was able to keep a level head.
Together the system found a way to work and it worked a long while until Max came along.
The day Dan turned twenty, Max made his debut. Dan decided on his twentieth birthday not to continue with his higher education. He reached a breaking point with the stress the workload put on not only him, but the rest of the alters.
Kaleb had never been a huge fan of education, if his first few months taking over Dan’s body was any indication. On nights when Dan had exams worth most of his grade to revise for, Kaleb would take the body and get close to blackout drunk. Dan would wake up in some random person's bed with a killer hangover. He was left to deal with the missed exam.
Evelyn also wasn’t taking kindly to University. Even though she was the most organized of the bunch, Dan relied on her more often than not to make it through the school week. The pressure got to her and it got to the point where even she didn’t want to get out of bed.
So on his birthday, after downing an entire bottle of wine, Dan sent in his resignation to the University. After hitting send, Dan floated away.
He woke up on a swing in the playground of his University's child development center. There was a man from campus security standing before him, demanding that he leave at once. Dan slowly stood up on his feet and the man followed alongside him as they walked out of the park.
“I just need a few more things to put in the report before I can let you go.” The officer said, taking out a pad of paper and jotting down a few things. “You said your name is Max and you just wanted to ‘play’. You also told me you were nine years old but we all know that’s a load of bullshit.”
The name Max pulled Dan from his daze and sobered him up. He’d never heard the name Max before, but with his track record, it wasn’t impossible.
After giving the man the correct information and doing his best to explain the situation, he was left to walk back to his flat on his own. He spent the rest of that night trying to figure out who Max was and why his brain felt the need to split for a third time.
Dan moved home shortly after his new alter made his appearance. Through the help of his parents’ insight and his therapist’s aid, he learned that Max was a child alter, a mere age of nine. He was a trauma-free alter, a way for Dan to let go of the stress in his life. He loved trains and days out at the park, and colouring books could occupy him for hours on end.
Back in his old room, he made a corner to put Max’s things in. There was a craft table and a growing collection of matchbox cars. Whenever his mum would go out shopping, she would almost always come home with some kind of toy for Max. She had taken an odd liking to the boy, taking care of him and keeping him safe at all times.
For a year Dan stayed at home, relearning how to handle having three alters living inside him. The schedule they had all grown fond of had to be changed and rearranged to fit Max’s needs in.
When Dan was 21, he felt like he had enough control over his life and his routine that he could make the jump out of his parents home and into his own flat. Sure, he’d lived on his own before, but that was just University housing and it hadn’t afforded his alters the freedom they deserved as well.
His biggest deterrent against moving out wasn’t the act of living on his own, but finding a job.
Although illegal to deny or fire someone for a mental illness, it wasn’t unlikely that it would happen. Dan had read plenty of stories of people who tried to be honest with employers and found themselves unemployed not a short time after. Or there was simply too many times where a person called off due to the dissociation, and they were fired.
After telling his parents that he wanted to be on his own, and after hours of reassuring his mother that he had things under control, they all kept an eye out for any possible job openings around.
His father, a set designer for a local tv network, had heard about an opening for an editing position in a publishing company that was frequently in touch with the network. At first, Dan didn’t think he had a shot considering he didn’t finish University and he didn't go for an English degree while he was there. Still, his parents insisted that he apply since the worst that would happen was a ‘no’, while the best outcome was a new job.
He found himself traveling north for an interview with the main branch in Manchester. His mum wanted to go with, but he declined her offer, feeling as though it would make him more nervous if his mother was waiting outside the building.
He went in with very low expectations, better to assume the worst than to hope for the best, but to his delight, he found the potential boss to actually like him.
The woman’s name was Cynthia Moss, department head of the third floor that dealt with editing and marketing. They got along well, Dan nailing every question she threw at him and even making her laugh a few times. He didn’t stumble or overthink until she asked why he decided to drop out of University.
With a deep breath, he explained.
While Dan knew the risks of being upfront with the employer about his life, and there was no legal reason for him to have to disclose it, it felt more comfortable telling his job to ensure he was getting the best possible accommodations that he needed. Not to mention he didn’t want to work for a company that didn’t value him as an employee just because he had a disadvantage.
He didn’t go into too much detail, choosing not to disclose what his illness was, but explained how he had it mostly under control save for the few days when unexpected occurrences arose.
He grit his teeth, fearing that the interview would come to a halt then and there, ready to give one last handshake and take his leave, but Cynthia didn’t even bat an eyelash.
No. She went on to explain how his salary would be significantly lower than if he had a degree and also told him that if hired, the company would help him to finish his schooling at whatever pace he wanted to take it at, if he so desired.
When he walked out of the building and rung his mother, he never thought he’d be able to hear the happiness in her voice when he told her he had a second interview the next day with the department head and her boss.
A few months later, he was moving to Manchester. His editing job afforded him a two bedroom flat with which him and his alters could live comfortably. It took an entire weekend and a small truck to take everything he’d stockpiled over the years, but at the end he had a place to call his own.
Many people would come to ask why Dan rented a two bedroom flat when he was the only one living there, but he still didn’t understand how to explain that just because there was one body doesn’t mean there wasn’t 4 people collecting and storing stuff.
Dan opted for the smaller of the two rooms, instead choosing to put a curtain up in the middle of the bigger room, deeming one half Evelyn’s side and one half Kalebs. There they could store their own wardrobes, books, stuffed animals, movies, ect. Having their own separate space was important to each alter and, in turn, the system. While Dan’s room was a simple black and grey colour scheme with little toys and mementos scattered about, his alters were completely different from his personal taste.
Evelyns side was decked out in pretty flowers on the windowsill and posters of boy bands covering every square inch of the walls. Two large bookcases were overflowing next to a quiet little book nook area that was once the closet. There was plenty of lighting, several lamps and fairy lights making the space appear bright and open. An ipod was attached to a small speaker, allowing for music to softly play without being too overbearing on the ambiance.
Kaleb’s side was darker, as dark as it could be with a simple black out curtain separating him from Evelyn’s light. Heavy metal band posters were strung up haphazardly, and an impressive stereo system complete with a turntable was the staple piece of the room. Records and cd’s were scattered about, a bookshelf left nearly empty where they should be contained. An ashtray sat on the windowsill of his side because even though he knew there was no smoking allowed in the flat and Evelyn would yell at him nearly every time, Kaleb would be damned if he was taking the elevator down 17 flights just to have a quick smoke.
Because Max was a relatively new alter, Dan set up a playroom of sorts in the lounge rather than splitting the spare room into threes. Where a dining room table should go stood a complex toy train rail system. The rug on the floor, rather than a boring shade of black was one with roadways and buildings drawn on, the perfect area to play with matchbox cars. An end table was filled with arts and crafts supplies, colouring books and markers, paints, beads, glue, popsicle sticks, you name it. And tucked away in the corner was a small bookshelf filled with space magazines and education workbooks.
The four of them managed to make a life together. Learning how to make time for most of everyone’s needs and prioritizing Dan’s job above most else. As Evelyn would put it, if Dan isn’t able to go to work, no one in the system would be able to afford the life that allows each to have pieces of their inner world. Max didn’t want to starve to death, Kaleb didn’t want to imagine not being able to afford his alcohol, Evelyn didn’t want to attempt to deal with finances that had no incoming paychecks and Dan, Dan just wanted some semblance of independence. They made it work. Things were going just fine until one day, when Dan met someone who would eventually become very special to him.
Dan had spent most of his life believing his disorder would force him to spend his life alone. He didn’t talk to many people outside of his family and the few coworkers he liked. He didn’t know how to make friends as well as Evelyn or Kaleb seemed to. He kept to himself and played it off like that was how he liked it. How could he be lonely with 3 other people sharing his head? Really he’d just never found anyone he thought he could trust not to walk out with his secret in tow.
It had seemed like just another day. Dan sat at his desk reading over an outline for a new potential novel. He found himself reading the words without really reading, so in an attempt to give his mind a quick break, he happened to glanced up. Just at that moment, a man in a navy blue button down and striped tie walked past, headed towards the elevators. Dan was transfixed as he’d never seen the man before in the office. As much as he wanted to look away before the man could lock eyes with him, he could hear Kaleb pestering in his ear ‘just like two more seconds, just let me look for two more seconds’.
Those two seconds were worth it when the two men finally locked eyes. Dan could see piercing blue eyes, slightly drowned out by the uncomplimentary colour of the shirt, but the strands of black hair grazing the man’s forehead still allowed them to pop. Dan realized he had been caught staring, and in response, a deep blush crept across his cheeks. The elevator doors opened and the man stepped inside alongside the boss of the fourth floor. Just before the door closed and Dan retreated back to the safe haven of his computer screen, the man gave a soft smile to Dan which sent tingles through his entire body.
Dan didn’t see the man again at work for several days. He attempted to tell himself that he wasn’t actively looking, but Evelyn wasn’t afraid to call him out on his bullshit. Dan asked around to the few people he was semi-friendly with, attempting to learn anything about the man he saw for all of thirty seconds. No one could lend him any leads until the man suddenly reappeared on the floor one random day. Dan tried his best to appear nonchalant with his stares, but he wasn’t the most graceful man in the world.
Dan watched closely as the blue eyed babe walked over to one of his coworker’s computers and started to mess around with some software. In that moment, it was like every piece had placed together. The man took the elevator up to the top floor which held the IT department, which would explain why the department head was accompanying him. Most likely getting a tour of his new job and was just seeing where he would be working.
After that revelation, Dan tried to ‘break’ his computer quite regularly. He did stupid things like hide the taskbar or ‘delete’ the internet (aka move the chrome icon on the desktop into the trash bin). Everything he did was a simple fix, something his desk neighbour could just pop on and fix in a matter of seconds, not without reminding Dan that he should really learn better computer skills if he was to make his living with one. It got to the point where the alters were itching to come out just to nudge Dan into the man’s direction. While none of them particularly felt the way Dan did about this man, they could clearly see (or hear) how much Dan needed companionship.
This led to Kaleb, who never wanted to make an appearance at work simply because he hated the idea of working, to step forward and take the reigns. He walked into the break room to fill up Dan’s coffee mug, ignoring the few people who said hello to Dan along the way. He made his way back to Dan’s desk, but instead of sitting down, he pretended to trip over his own feet, something Dan would believably do, dropping the coffee all over the desk and consequently the computer.
Kaleb smiled at his work and retreated back to his inner world. Dan’s eyes glazed over and he swayed back and forth before finally coming to and looking at the mess before him. A string of curse words left his mouth, looking around in desperation for anything to mop up the spill with. The two people closest to him lept up from their seats and ran to the break room to grab some napkins. It was as Dan was doing his best to wipe up the spill that the computer screen turned a bright blue. He was fucked.
Someone else on the floor called IT and within minutes the dark haired man was on his knees, leaning under the desk to get a better look at the damage.
“I really don’t know what went wrong. I just. I’m such a clutz, I guess. I stumbled and just fell and, shit, I really can’t afford to replace this machine jesus fucking christ.” Dan started shaking, trying his best to calm down his breathing. He knew that when he started to feel panic, Evelyn would take over and that was really the last thing he wanted. Not when the man was finally in front of him.
“It’s fine. I doubt they’d make you pay for it. I’m pretty sure they’ve got insurance and stuff to cover small accidents like these. And if they don’t, just say there was something on the floor that you tripped on.” After fiddling with the wires, unplugging the computer, and waiting for it to boot back up, the man stood up and sat down in Dan’s desk chair. He spun around so that he could face Dan, and suddenly Dan’s nerves were slightly calmed, just by the man’s eyes.
“As someone who works in the IT department and has seen the feed from those security cameras, they wouldn’t know the difference.” The man seemed to catch himself on his words, taking a moment as if to consider changing the direction in which his ideas were flowing out. He pointed up to the nearest camera, shifting the gaze to the object instead. “That one is the only one near your desk and it doesn't have your desk in view. They couldn’t catch you in the lie.”
Dan had to admit that the knowledge made him feel somewhat safer, but he was never one to get away with a lie save for the lies due to his DID. The guilt would always eat away at him until Kaleb came out to tell the harsh truth. It made for a shitty time in secondary school when his parents would ask where he’d been all night and three days later he was grounded because ‘someone’ told that Dan had been at a party rather than studying late.
“While that seems tempting, I think I’d rather just pay for it. Keep a clean conscious and all.” A blush crept onto Dan’s cheeks knowing that he seemed a tad bit like an innocent child rather than an adult. Or perhaps too adult, like a stuck up adult who thought he was better for not being able to lie.
“Good choice. I don’t think I could do it myself.” The computer started making a whirring noise, catching the man’s attention away from Dan. He spun around and started to fiddle around with the machine. Dan tried to focus on the clacking on the keyboard rather than the demons in his mind. He needed to stay present.
The man messed around with the computer for at least ten minutes, Dan sitting idly by and hoping that he at least remembered to save the last of his work before his dissociation. He didn’t need to be reamed out for breaking a computer and missing a deadline.
“So I think the thing is pretty much fried.” Phil glanced over his shoulder to take a better look at Dan, subtly looking him up and down before continuing on. “If you wanna help me take it upstairs so I can see if there’s a way to fix it, I can loan you out a laptop in the meantime.”
The man started to unplug and disconnect the computer, glancing at Dan in an attempt to get some assistance. Together they managed to dismantle the computer and begin to carry it towards the elevators, Phil holding the tower and Dan with the screen and wires. It was a silent walk, but Dan’s mind was starting to go off the wire. He didn’t usually tend to have co-consciousness with this alters but this was unfortunately one of the moments the entire system decided they needed to speak.
“Dan don’t just stand there! At least ask his name or something. You’ve been trying to get this guys attention for weeks; just ask!” Evelyn's voice grated through the air followed by Kaleb who so graciously said, “Man even I’m excited about the prospect of this guy. Have you seen the man’s bulge? He’s gotta be packin and I haven’t gotten laid in weeks.”
Evelyn covered Max’s ears, reprimanding Kaleb for his brashness around the child. Max’s take on the situation was far more innocent.
“He’s gottsa panda pin, Danny! He’s gottsa panda pin! They’re my favourite ooh, do you think he likes trains? I wonder if he’d play trains with me like Evelyn does!”
All of the alters continued to talk at the same time, trying and failing to get their thoughts across and heard. Dan started to get a headache from all of the commotion and when the elevator opened, Dan quickly walked inside and instantly leaned against the cool metal wall. He tried to play it off like he was tired from carrying the nearly weightless computer screen, but his eyes scrunched up tight and his face began to lose its colour. It wasn’t long before the man happened to take notice.
“Hey. Hey man, are you okay?” Dan could only make out the soundwaves and couldn’t really grasp onto the words that were being thrown his way. The man sat the tower down on the ground and stood in front of Phil, starting to take the things from Dan’s hands. “Do you need to sit down or something? Not to sound harsh but you don’t look so good.”
The alters continued to talk, Kaleb and Evelyn now taking to fighting with each other over the content of Kaleb’s thoughts. Max was starting to cry, hating to see the closest thing he had to parents fighting. It became too much for Dan to handle and his eyes rolled into the back of his head. He registered that he started leaning forward into the man and the last thing he heard before leaving the conscious world was, “Hey, it’s Phil. Can you hear me? Focus on my voice. Stay with me okay? I got you.” Everything went dark with the name Phil ringing throughout his head.
Dan didn’t really know how to explain the times when he wasn’t in control. His mind felt like it was trapped in an unlocked house. It was like he could escape if he wanted to but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t come up with the energy to do so. Sometimes the house had fun things to do like a computer or some books. Lately it had a tv where he could see what appeared to be recaps of the life his alters were living while Dan was gone, even then his time away felt like a distant memory that rings a bell but doesn’t open up any doors of insight.
Dan relied on context clues and others’ stories to help piece together what happened in the time he was away. His mum used to keep a journal of the things Dan’s alters did and said to see if it would help jog Dan’s memory later. It never helped, but it did fill in Dan’s planner, used to keep track of lost time. Dan was used to waking up in strange places, lying next to strange people he wouldn’t normally touch with a ten foot pole. Once he even woke up in a completely different country. But by far the weirdest place he ever came to was a coffee shop with Phil walking towards him.
He glanced around, trying to find out anything about where he was, why he was there and how he got there. A look outside showed that it was bright out, meaning it had to have been around midday. The coffee shop was full of people, much more than would be there midday on a weekday. He frantically padded down his pockets trying to find where his phone was, but it wasn’t anywhere to be found. He hoped an alter just forgot to take it with and didn’t leave it behind somewhere.
“Are you okay?” Phil, who was holding two cups in his hands, put a coffee down and pushed it across the table to Dan. His eyes were crinkled slightly in confusion but a huge smile was plastered on his face nonetheless. He wasn’t dressed in his normal business casual attire that was required at the office. Instead he had on a fox jumper and glasses that framed his face.
Dan looked back and forth between Phil and the coffee before tentatively bringing it up to his lips. He took one sip and wanted nothing more than to spit it back out. There was far too much cream in it. It was sickeningly sweet instead of harsh with a hint of sugar. It was Evelyn’s go-to pick and already he could begin to understand what he was doing here.
Even if he tried his best to pretend that he loved the drink Phil handed him, the aftertaste left in his mouth was just a little too much to keep the look of disgust off of his face. He couldn’t help but feel responsible for the drop in Phil’s happy expression, choosing to take another sip and overdramatize his love of it.
“I can tell you don’t like it. I told them exactly what you said. Half cream and 4 sugars. Is it not sweet enough?” Dan started to laugh at Phil’s joke until he realized that it wasn’t a joke at all. He was actually concerned that the baristas didn’t put enough overkill sugar in his drink. Phil was already halfway out of his chair, gently reaching across to take the drink if need be.
“Oh no, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Dan gave a small smile, really not wanting to burden Phil with any extra tasks. Not to mention, if he gave a completely different order to the one he held in his hands, Phil could get suspicious. “I don’t think it’s the drink. Maybe my body just isn’t feeling the sugar like I thought it would. It’s okay, though. It’s still good.” To highlight his point he took another sip, making sure to think pleasing thoughts as he did.
“If you say so, but I really don’t mind getting you what you want. There’s no use in drinking something you don’t like.” Phil sat back down in the chair and finally took a sip of his own coffee. Dan wanted to ask what Phil had ordered, wanted to know how he took his coffee, but didn’t, for fear that him and Evelyn already discussed that.
They sat in silence for a while, just calmingly taking sips of their drinks every so often. Dan was looking around, still trying to piece together the fragments of time, and Phil just kept his eyes trained on Dan. It was like he was trying to figure out a puzzle himself, and Dan didn’t want that. Phil was looking at him as if something was different in the air, suspicious already, so Dan put a stop to that as soon as he could.
“What day is it? I keep thinking it’s Thursday.” Dan broke the silence, trying to seem as though he just casually forgot the day rather than forgetting his existence for a short while. And it was true. The last Dan remembered it was a thursday afternoon and he was waiting on an elevator.
“It’s Sunday. I’d of thought you’d know that, considering you made sure we made plans after you went to church.” A soft chuckle escaped from Phil’s lips, but it was light and airy. No sign of hostility that Dan was looking for.
Church meant Evelyn had taken Max to sunday school. Usually Dan would wake up early on Sundays and walk to the church a few blocks from his flat. While all of the older alters and Dan considered themselves on some scale of agnostic, Max was a big believer in faith. Dan liked to think it was the remnants of the few memories he had of his grandmother taking him to church and then out for ice cream when he was younger.
“Oh yeah. Days seem to run together sometimes, you know. You ever have that, where you can’t remember if what you did that morning was really that morning?” Dan laughed off his explanation, knowing that was a thing that happened to all people, not just those with a mental illness. Phil had to have experienced that at least once in his life and it should be enough to keep him off Dan’s tracks for a little while.
“Yeah. I get what you mean. I actually got fired once because I didn’t show up to work. I still swear to this day that it was a Saturday but apparently doing a no call no show on the busiest friday morning is a huge no no.” Phil’s voice was soft and reminiscent. It was nice. Dan didn’t get to do that typically without an alter stepping forward. Many of the memories he had just weren’t his to have. “You don’t strike me as a church person. I never would have guessed that from the way you were talking last night about how the point of life is to have fun and not live in fear of the unknown.”
Dan’s body became rigid, stopping mid sip to take in the information. This wasn’t the first time him and Phil were seeing each other outside of work. How many other times had there been? Had it really only been three days or was it a week since he’d been out last? His longest streak was two and a half weeks, so it’s entirely possible. He tried to rack his brain for any ideas on what they could have done yesterday, but nothing came to mind and for once in his life, his mind was seemingly all to himself.
“Oh uh. Yeah I’m not too big on it, I guess. I like to go just to have a kind of routine? I used to go when I was younger and it’s just kinda stuck, in a way.” The excuse fell flat, not nearly as convincing as his earlier story, but he didn’t have much time to prepare one. He didn’t want Phil to think he was something he wasn’t, but any way he spun, it was a lie. Max may not be him, but it was still a part of him. A part of him Phil couldn’t know about.
“I get that, in a way. Like a habit you just can’t quite break. Can’t say I understand exactly why you picked church to be that habit, but I guess.” Phil’s eyes looked off to the side, trying to find the same meaning that Dan found, but in his own life. He must have come up short because the conversation was dropped.
They continued like that for a hour or so. Going back and forth with easy conversation, Dan making sure to steer clear of things he knew Evelyn or Kaleb would have talked about if they were there. There was only so many times a person could use the excuse that they had forgotten an entire conversation that just happened not even twenty four hours ago.
Even so, there were topics Dan took risks on. He wanted to know who Phil was, and in order to find out, he needed to ask. He asked about Phil’s upbringing and his home. Where he went to school and what his degree was in. How old Phil even was and if he had any siblings. Did he live alone and did he live nearby? He took the risk and asked the pressing questions he was dying to know, and it seemed that his alters left him the getting to know you questions. After all, knowing Phil was more important to Dan than anyone else in the system, so it was only fair he got to know that information first hand.
Dan learned that Phil was 28. He grew up not far outside of Manchester and he had one older brother named Martyn. His parents were lovely people who used to pester Phil about what he was doing with his life, so Phil made it his mission to move out as soon as he was finished with University.
Unlike Dan, who was a college dropout, Phil had three degrees. He couldn’t make up his mind on what he wanted to study, so he just kept going back for new things. He had an english degree and was only a few classes short of being able to get his teaching license. After he finished school, he went back for post production, hoping to maybe get a job with some big movie studio. When that dream came to a staggering halt, Phil went back to school for a third and final time to get a degree in something akin to computer science, but less complicated.
As Phil talked about himself, Dan felt like the dirt under Phil’s shoe in comparison. But it wasn’t a normal feeling like scum he typically had. He wasn’t jealous or envious of Phil’s life. In a weird way, he was proud. If anyone deserved to be happy and successful, it was Phil. Dan was lucky to just be a blip on the man’s radar.
For once in his life, Dan felt pleasantly normal. To any outsider, Dan and Phil looked like two friends who were just hanging out. They were having normal conversations about normal topics and his mind was just his normal thoughts. As much as he wanted to be ‘normal’, he couldn’t help but be thankful that he had his alters. If they weren’t there to watch out for him, who knows if he would have even that time with Phil.
After that pleasant coffee outing, Dan found himself hanging out with Phil more often than not. For the first few weeks, he was terrified of asking Phil to go anywhere or do anything, choosing to have Phil or Evelyn make the first move.
They would go shopping together, a movie here or there, Phil would show Dan all the best tourist spots since he’d grown up in the city. Any time they were together they were either at work, out in public, or in Phil’s small studio apartment, but Dan always made sure they never went back to his flat.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want Phil to see where he lived or that he liked to make it difficult on himself and always be the one to walk home late in the night when he was tired, it was just a lot of work to get his apartment ‘company ready’.
Because his flat looked as if a child lived there (because one did), an unknowing outsider to his illness would grow suspicious at the state of his lounge. In order for someone who didn’t know of Dan’s DID to come over, he had to spend a few hours putting things away.
All of Max’s toys and books had to be placed in various locking closets around the flat. The bigger toys like the trainset and the rug were tossed into the corner of Dan’s room, typically covered with a blanket or just the mess of his room would disguise it well enough. If anyone saw a child’s toy, Dan would just act as though he was holding on to his childhood toys for the day he had his own children.
The kitchen was a whole separate area of items to hide, but with an easier excuse if he got lazy. There were children’s plastic plates, cups, bowls and small plastic utensils. He’d generally place them all in a box and stick them in the highest cupboard. If anyone happened to get on a stepstool and open the obnoxiously high cabinet to find his boxes, his response was he found them easier to use when drunk.
On a good day, it could take Dan a solid hour to move everything around, but that also meant dealing with his alters. They were never particularly happy to have their stuff messed with or without their permission. Every time he picked up something that wasn’t his, he’d have to explain what he was doing, where he was putting it, how long it would be there, and in Kaleb’s case, will I be compensated in beer?
So because of this process, Dan would always steer clear of the idea of going back to his flat. If Phil would ask, he’d come up with an excuse that the heating was broken or the place was a mess or his parents were in town.
The thing about excuses is that they only last for so long.
One day, Dan had decided to work from home because Kaleb stayed out a little later than usual the night before leaving him nearly drained of all energy and a killer headache to match. He’d gotten up around 11 and made himself coffee with a piece of toast. When he finally sat down at his laptop to begin his work, his phone started to ring.
Figuring it was his mother calling to ask if he was feeling better, he didn’t bother turning the phone over to look at the number. The phone stopped ringing and he opened up his email, looking for the specific chapter he was meant to have done by tomorrow. He didn’t get through the first line when his phone rang for a second time.
He picked it up, not taking his eyes off of the screen and put the phone up to his ear.
“Yes Mom I’m fine. I’m not gonna text you any more updates on my life if this is how you’ll react every time Kaleb does something stupid.” His eyes continued to read the words on the screen believing that if he just kept looking at them he could trick himself into multitasking efficiently.
“And Kaleb would be?” Phil’s voice echoed through Dan’s head and he nearly dropped the phone onto the floor.
‘Nice work jackass. Why would your Mommy care about what I do?’
“He’s uh- he’s,” Dan racked his brain for an excuse. A cousin? No, he told Phil he only had one cousin whom is definitely not named Kaleb. A Neighbour? No, Phil knew that Dan hadn’t talked to a single person in his building. “He’s a guy who stays with me from time to time. He got kinda drunk last night and we were out really late so.”
“Right.” Phil didn’t sounds all too convinced, but it wasn’t a very convincing lie to begin with. “I thought you said you were sick last night and that’s why we couldn’t hang out.”
Dan’s head hit the desk in front of him with a thud and it took everything he had not to scream into the phone. The headache was throwing him off, distorting his capability to think rationally. He’d blame it on Kaleb for getting so drunk that he forgot to leave a note informing Dan that Phil had called to hang out.
“Uh. Yeah. I was sick but uh, Kaleb he’s a very persistent guy.” The phone was silent for an extended amount of time after Dan spoke. He almost believed that Phil had hung up on him, not that he would blame him really.
Getting caught in a lie always made Dan really anxious. It wasn’t just the idea that the person would think he didn’t care enough about them to tell the truth. Every lie was a clue and if someone caught on to enough of them, they could discover the underlying truth.
“So is he like, your boyfriend or something?” Phil asked, voice doleful and melancholy.
“No! God no!” Dan was quick to defend. The last thing he wanted was for Phil to believe he already had someone else in his life, that there wasn’t room for Phil. He tried to keep his crush on Phil at bay simply because the possibility that anything between them could happen was almost rock bottom, he didn’t want to do anything to hurt his already miniscule chances. “Not only is that an impossible relationship, but it’s also really weird. Kaleb is not my kind of person.”
“And yet you go to bars with him?” Phil was confused, that much was easy to tell. Dan wanted to make it easier to understand, to clear the subject and move on from it, but he wasn’t sure how.
“I wouldn’t say I willingly go. It’s just kind of a thing that happens. It’s hard to explain.” Dan sighed, his hand going up to the back of his neck and giving a gentle massage. It wasn’t a cure for his anxiety, but it was a help. “Can we just like, not talk about this? What’s going on? How’s work?”
“Work is terrible.” Phil’s voice didn’t sound any happier, the subject change only seeming to make it go from bad to worse. “Markus is being a complete dick today. He handed me a huge list of things to do and demanded they be done by the end of the day. I just don’t understand how someone who has zero experience in IT gets to be the manager of the IT department. Even so, anyone with half a brain would realize that it’s highly unlikely one person could install software on 80 individual computers in 7 hours. That’s like, five minutes per computer with no break.”
Dan wanted to laugh, not because the situation was funny but because he knew it all too well. The manager of the editing department was promoted from sales, so he was frequently hit with hard deadlines and feats no one human could accomplish. He refrained from laughing given the tone of the entire conversation they’d been having, chosing to go with sympathy instead.
“That fucking sucks. At least you’re getting a lunch this time. Remember when the district manager came for a visit and they were working you around the clock?”
“Yeah those few days were the worst. I only got to see you for all of five minutes in four days. Hardest four days of my life.” Phil’s voice was starting to get its life back, slowly forgetting about anything Kaleb related.
“Trust me, seeing you that stressed out was not the highlight of my life either. “ Dan cracked a smile, assuming that Phil meant the work but allowing himself to believe for a sliver of a second that the lack of communication with Dan made that week hard. “That’s why I stayed so late that night that I ended up crashing on your couch. Clearly bad things happen when we go too long without seeing each other.”
“Do you think I could come over after work? I just really don’t want to go to my empty flat and wallow.” Phil asked apprehensively.
Dan opened his mouth, but no excuse came out.
“Of course.”
After that day, Phil came over to Dan’s place more often. They ended up spending more time at Dan’s than Phil’s which was a huge achievement on Dan’s part. He liked having Phil over, it showed Phil a little more about his life, allowed him to gain just a little more trust.
The alters also got on board with a new schedule when Phil was coming over. If one was out when plans with Phil were made, that alter would put all of Max’s things away and lock the spare room. A note would usually be left for Dan saying that Phil was coming over that day or that he had been there. Having Phil over almost became second nature to them all, finding a way to enjoy Phil’s company and welcoming the change in pace.
But that didn’t always mean things ran smoothly and sometimes accidents happened.
Kaleb was always a night owl, even more so than Dan. He could stay out all hours of the night, drinking until the sun came up. He had a few select pubs and clubs he liked to frequent, especially when he was looking for a quick hook up.
He typically dominated Friday nights. He wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go out partying during the work week, not that he always listened, so as soon as Dan was home from work on friday afternoons, Kaleb was out and ready to go.
He’d hop in the shower almost immediately after he was in control, needing to get the stench of corporate greed off his body. After getting out, he’d go to his room in his towel, turn his stereo as high up as it could go, and sit by his window. A master of his craft, he’d have a blunt rolled and lit in under two minutes. It was the perfect way to start off the night.
Once he was properly high, he’d set about actually getting ready. While Dan was more into the black skinny jeans that showed off every inch of his body, Kaleb was more into dark blue and green skinny jeans that cut off at the knee. His t-shirts were almost all the same, some obscure heavy metal band that no one could possibly have heard of.
He prefered his hair to be up in a quiff. In his inner world he had short blonde hair, so getting Dan’s fringe out of the way was usually his first instinct. He’d go through half a can of hairspray before he was happy with the result.
Kaleb was a fan of makeup, particularly mascara as it made his eye’s pop. His sole goal of going out was to get laid so accentuating his best features was key to achieving that. With a small amount of eyeliner and some blush on his cheeks to give him more colour, he deemed himself good enough to go out.
Kaleb and Evelyn both had their own friends whom they would hang out with when they were out. Kaleb pulled out his phone and started texting his normal group of friends telling them to meet him at their local pub. He took one last look in the mirror before he was out the door for the night.
A high tolerance for alcohol, something Dan did not have, meant that kaleb was fisting drinks left and right all night. He was downing shot after shot in hopes that the next one would get him drunk enough to feel like himself and not the man whose body he occupied.
He didn’t start talking to strangers until well into the night. He wasn’t one for conversation and he didn’t want to end his night early even if that meant he was headed home with someone. But by the time three am rolled around and he was striking out left and right, he decided to call it a night and head home.
That didn’t stop him from continuing to try to get laid.
When he arrived back at the flat, he pulled a beer out of the fridge and flopped down on the couch. He scrolled through his phone, looking at all of the names in it in an attempt to find a fuck buddy for the night. No one caught his eye until he saw Phil.
It was a risky move considering Phil was off limits. Dan was practically head over heels in love with the guy, but lowered inhibitions threw rational thought out of the window and before he knew it, he was opening up his messages.
‘Hey buttercup. You still awake?’ Kaleb was the only one who called Phil ‘buttercup’. Dan absolutely loathed the nickname, but Kaleb found it flirty. Phil found it cute, returning with an equally gross nickname as a response most of the time.
He didn’t really expect a reply considering it was well into the middle of the night, but when his phone went off a minute later, he was instantly grabbing for it.
‘Sadly. :( I’ve been trying to sleep for hours but it’s just not my night I guess. What’s up, love bug?’
‘I’m booorreeed. Come play with me. ;)’ It took everything Kaleb had not to come out and just say ‘fuck me’.
While Kaleb wasn’t big on Phil’s personality, he wouldn’t lie and say Phil was unattractive. He spent countless nights imagining getting Phil to sleep with him, to fuck him hard into the mattress. That was his biggest motivation for being on board with everything related to Phil. If Dan could get Phil, that would mean he could too. He wouldn’t have to go out as often in pursuit of a stranger to fuck. He could have someone on call whenever he wanted.
‘Come play with you? Are you the twins from the shining or something? Lol’
Kaleb groaned. Leave it to Phil to completely miss the point. His patience was growing thin. In an attempt to calm himself down, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes and a lighter. There was only one left and he cursed himself for not thinking ahead.
‘No, but I could be if you want me to. I can be whatever you like.’
He put the last cigarette to his lips, ignoring Evelyn's complaints that he was smoking in the living room, and lit it as quickly as he could. Just as he took in his first inhale, he got a text.
‘I like you just the way you are, Dan. I wouldn’t want you to be anyone else. Are you drunk? Haha’
Kaleb rolled his eyes, almost regretting even reaching out to Phil. If the boy could just keep his mouth closed and his pants off, he might be in better standings.
‘Maaybe but that doesn’t change anything. Just come over. I promise we’ll have a good time.’
‘I think you should get some sleep. Before you say some things that you might regret and before I do some things I might regret.’
Regret? No one ever regret a night with Kaleb. That was more Dan’s speed, but Kaleb? He could rock Phil’s entire world, leave him speechless for days.
‘Do something you’ll regret? That must mean there’s something you’re wanting to do but are afraid to. I won’t regret anything and I know I can make you feel like same. Just come over and let me help you enjoy yourself.’
Nearing the end of his cigarette and already desperate for a second one, he quickly doubled texted.
‘And bring me a pack of cigarette, I’ve run out. I like a nice smoke after I give someone a good time.’
‘A good time huh? That does sound appealing’ Phil replied quickier than Kaleb thought, almost as if Phil was reacting on his first instinct instead of thought. He felt like he had it in the bag. He had Phil in the palm of his hand, he had to. He was in the middle of a reply back, a raunchy text to seal the deal when Phil texted again.
‘How about I stop by tomorrow. We can spend the day together when you’re sober and we can see what happens. There's hopefully plenty of nights in the future.’
‘Or you could just come over tonight and stay until the morning.’ He knew it was a lost cause, but he had to give it one last try. He was so horny and in need of a release.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Dan. Good night.’
In a fit of drunk anger, Kaleb threw the phone onto the other side of the cough, resigning himself to a wank before bed.
He came with Phil’s lips on his mind and he promised himself he’d get Phil. If the boy was interested, he was happy.
The blaring generic ringtone catapulted Dan from his dream and he sleepily ran his hand around in an attempt to find it. He took one look at the name calling and bolted up in his bed. He cleared his throat a few times, trying to knock out the sound of sleep before sliding the green bar over to answer it.
“Hello?” Dan’s voice was soft and even just with one word it was evident that he was sleeping not two minutes ago. He took the phone away from his ear and turned speakerphone on, racing to open up his messages and see if there was something he missed.
“Hey. Did I wake you? I was just calling cause last night you asked me to pick you up a pack of cigarettes on my way over, but you never told me what kind. Also did you want any snacks or anything? I got some crisps but I wasn’t sure what else you might like.” There was a rustling of bags in the background and a booming incoherent voice over an intercom. Phil was already in the store and Dan had to think on his feet.
Dan groaned just before finally opening his messages. He didn’t even have to read them to know that Kaleb had been the one to invite Phil over judging from the time of the last message. As he scrolled through them, he was getting secondhand embarrassment from the outright sexual messages Kaleb was sending, but what was even more shocking was that Phil had been sending them back.
Dan silently cursed Kaleb and his lazy ass for not going out to buy his own cigarettes. Dan didn’t want Phil to think of him as a smoker. He hated smokers.
“Yeah. Um. I think.” He tried to rack his brain, attempting to remember just what Kaleb smoked. As much as he wanted to tell Phil to just forget the request, he knew Kaleb would be furious. A furious Kaleb was a recipe for disaster. “I think it’s just a pack of Black American Spirits. And I’m fine with whatever snacks. We could also just order a shitload of pizza or something.”
“You think? You don’t even know for certain what you smoke?” Another one of Phil’s signature chuckles came through the receiver and Dan flinched. He should have been more on the ball but knocking off sleep wasn’t helping his already lacking memory. “You must be really tired. You never cease to amaze me, Howell. I’ll be over in about ten minutes or so. Just gotta grab a few more things and I’ll be over.”
Dan stuttered out some nonsensical goodbye before ending the call. He quickly read through as many messages as he could before remembering that he hadn’t showered yet and the lounge was covered in children’s toys. There was no way he could possibly cover for that without appearing as though he was a father or he was into some really weird shit.
He lept out of bed, powering through the headrush that overcame him. He went straight for the lounge, grabbing as much of Max’s stuff as he could and dragging it down into Evelyn and Kaleb’s room.
“Hey why are you moving my stuff! That’s not where that goes!” Max said in a pout.
“That’s my room you fuck, don’t put his stupid shit in there. We all agreed my side of the room was off limits,” Kaleb’s voice followed almost immediately after.
The alters went back and forth, telling Dan every instance of how they weren’t okay with what he was doing until Dan finished. He grabbed a key out of his own bedside drawer and locked up the spare room. There was no way in hell Phil was going to see that room.
The alters were all still complaining. Dan had messed up their spaces and they weren’t afraid to let him know he was in the wrong. Dan tried to power through without commenting, running to quickly change and spray himself with deodorant to hide the fact that he hadn’t had a shower. Soon it became too much. He was doing another once over in the lounge, making sure he got everything when Max started to cry and Dan lost it.
“Listen. I get it. Your shit is out of sorts and you’re mad at me but can you please just shut the fuck up while Phil is here? I’ll move everything back when he’s gone and you can bitch and complain and put it back in the right spots later, but you all know that we need to keep this shit under wraps. If he finds out…” Dan trails off as a soft knock can be heard at the door. Dan doesn’t even finish the rest of his thought, leaving it up to the alters to figure out the rest. Instead he heads over to the door and takes a tentative look out of the peephole to see Phil standing sheepishly with two shopping bags in his hands.
Dan takes a deep breath, saying a silent prayer to no one that Phil didn’t hear any of the outburst, and opens the door with a wide grin on his face.
“Hey. I didn’t buzz you in. How’d you even get in? Dan asked, trying not to sound accusatory, but coming off somewhat standoffish. He moved back and opened the door a little wider, making room for Phil to walk into the flat. While he knew that everything was packed away, he couldn’t help but be on edge. His secret felt like it was teetering on a cliffside.
“Someone held the door open for me since I was carrying stuff. I guess if you’re holding enough stuff you can get in just about anywhere.” Phil’s cheeks tinted a noticeable pink compared to the rest of his complexion as he walked towards the small kitchen. Dan couldn’t help but wonder if he was still thinking about those texts, if he was coming over to see if anything would happen between them.
Phil put the bags down and started to unpack them while Dan got out a few bowls to put the snacks in so they could be handy. Once everything was out, Phil pulled a pack of American Spirits out of his jacket pocket and handed them out to Dan.
“I hope these are the correct ones. I’m not a smoker so I don’t really know the difference.” Phil gave a soft smile as their hands gently touched one another's. Dan wasn’t one for the idea of sparks and all that, but he was certain he felt tingles in all the places his skin touched Phil’s. “We can head down so you can have one if you want. I know last night you said you were out of them.”
Dan couldn’t help but feel warm as Phil offered to go downstairs with him albeit thankful that he left out the part where Kaleb mentioned having a smoke after sex. It was sweet that he wanted to make sure Dan got what he wanted, even if it wasn’t the healthiest for him. Most people would comment that he should quit or explain to him how it was a terrible habit to have, and Dan would just have to grit his teeth and bear through, considering he believed every word they said anyway. But having his alters came with a price, and being labeled a smoker wasn’t the worst he could be dealt.
“No. It’s fine.” Dan politely shook his hand and opened up a drawer to place the pack into. He was hoping that Kaleb was able to see and remember where they were being placed for when he came out later. “I’m really not much of a smoker. Just when I’m drunk. And occasionally when my emotions are really intense. I actually don’t really like smoking too much.”
As Dan closed the drawer closed, he turned his attention back to the bowls of snacks and started to pick them up, hoping to put an end to the conversation. The less he had to talk about his lost time, the less lies he had to remember.
“Ah. I was that way in Uni.” Phil took Dan’s lead and picked up the remaining snacks as he followed Dan into the lounge. He very clearly didn’t pick up the hint that Dan didn’t want to continue talking about this, but Phil so obviously wanted Dan to think he was okay with it, even if he wasn’t. “I used to bum off my friends when we would go out on the weekends and sometimes when I had a really rough paper due, I would just give in and ask my flatmate for one.”
“Yeah. I don’t even remember smoking last night. Really I don’t remember much at all. One moment I was at the bar and the next you were calling saying you were on your way over.” Dan powered through the want building up inside him. He wanted to play along with Kaleb’s game, wanted Phil to think he wanted him like that, but that wasn’t Dan.
“Oh.” Was all Phil said, disappointment flowing through his body language.
Dan decided to just drop the conversation, not wanting to question Phil’s tone. It didn’t feel right. Instead, they silently put the bowls down on the coffee table, arranging them in a way that they could still put their feet up on it if they wanted to. While Phil sat down on the couch, Dan started to rummage around with his game consoles. By this point he didn’t even have to ask Phil what he wanted to play, as they pretty much did the same thing every time.
Dan tossed Phil a controller and walked back over to the couch, ready to get comfortable next to Phil. As the game started to boot up, Dan plopped down on the cushion next to Phil, not quite touching like Kaleb would and not light years apart like Evelyn.
Once they were both in position, feet up on the table, bowl of crisps between them, and the start screen on, they fell into their routine.
Dan always loved the silence that lingered between them. He never believed that a sign of a good relationship was when you could sit in comfortable silence together, but Phil had just blown every preconceived notion out of the park when he walked into his life. Still, the question burned in the back of his mind. He needed to know if Phil was really okay with Kaleb’s habits. He needed to know if there was hope.
“Do you hate smokers?”
Dan watched Phil’s long fingers as they carefully paused the game. Phil took his feet off of the table and turned his body so he was facing Dan completely. Under Phil’s gaze, Dan wanted to retreat and look away but found he was stuck in a trance. He couldn’t shy away, he had to face what he started.
“Why would you think that?” Phil’s eyes wrinkled, concern etching the entirety of his face. It sent a pang through Dan’s chest, like he’d done something wrong, like he’d broken Phil’s trust. He knew that wasn’t true, but that didn’t stop himself from breaking down inside.
“I don’t know.” Dan mumbled, suddenly not in the mood to finish the conversation he’d forced them to have. “Just, most people do and I’ve had countless people who have said they couldn’t be around me cause I smoke sometimes. And I get it cause I don’t even like smoke, but just like. I don’t know. It’s still a shitty feeling I guess, people walking out for something I can’t really help.”
Dan hoped that Phil wouldn’t rebuttal that. He’d hoped that Phil wouldn’t ask how it couldn’t be helped when it was a conscious choice to most. He didn’t know if he had it in him to give another lie to the man sat in front of him.
“Of course I don’t hate smokers. It’s an addiction and it’s not my place to say one way or another what anyone does with their body.” Phil tentatively reached his hand out and rested it on top of Dan’s. That stupid spark could be felt again. “I would never judge you, Dan. Everyone has parts of themselves they don’t like. Everyone has parts of themselves they want to keep hidden. I’m not gonna leave you because you do something I don’t. I like you, habits and all. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide them.”
And while Phil didn’t know exactly the extent of the meaning in his words, Dan felt a little more at ease with their arrangement.
They spent the rest of the day relaxing, switching easily from Smash Bros, to Phil watching Dan play Skyrim, to watching disgustingly cheesy rom coms. By the end of the night, the snacks were almost completely gone and there were two empty pizza boxes tossed onto the floor.
While Dan wanted Phil to stay the night, he felt it was still too soon. They’d only been hanging out for a couple of weeks, and that was more Kaleb’s expertise anyway. Not to mention the locked room that had to be unpacked before his alters told him off.
As the day started to end and the two boys collectively began to clean up the lounge together, a bright light emanated from the sky outside the window.
“Shoot. I think it’s gonna start storming soon. I should head home before it hits.” Phil made his way over to the window, starting to count the time between the lightning and the distamt noise it made. Dan would have recognized what he was doing, trying to see how far away the storm was, but his anxiety was starting to increase.
Dan hated storms. They were one of his biggest fears. But the problem with storms wasn’t the storm itself, it was with Max. The loudness and bright flashes tended to scare Max so much that he was ultimately forced forward, having to be the one to deal with it on his own. Dan still didn’t understand why that happened since Max was more afraid than Dan, but it did.
Dan started to quicken his pace, trying to clean up and get Phil out faster. While he knew that Phil had been with him when his alters were out, he didn’t really see him transition save for that first time at the coffee shop. Max would be so afraid that there was no way he would be able to focus on pretending to be Dan. Part of his secret would start to fall.
“Well you best be on your way then. Thanks so much for st-” A crash of thunder stopped Dan mid sentence and the colour drained from his face. He put his arm around Phil’s back and began a quicken walked towards the door. “For stopping by. I’ll see you soon; tomorrow maybe? Of course, tomorrow I’ll see you at work. Obviously. But yeah, thanks. It was fun.”
Dan didn’t even care at this moment if he came off as rude. He needed Phil out and he was hoping he would take the hint. Thankfully for once, Phil did.
“Yeah. I’ll see you later. Have a good night.” Phil grabbed his coat on the way, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his keys before opening the door.
“Text me when you get home safe. It’s late and it’s the city and it’s raining. I don’t want to hear about you on the news.” Dan watched as Phil walked out of the door and into the hall. Rather than closing the door on him, he walked out and embraced Phil in a quick hug. Some simple reassurance before he was left alone for the night.
It wasn’t too much longer after Dan closed the door that he started feeling dizzy. He tried to hold on just a bit longer, wanting to at least unlock the spare room before Max came out, but he didn’t have enough time.
One of the best things about Max was that he was the easiest to have co-consciousness with. Dan could usually see and hear the things Max could, making it a bit easier to remember those lost hours. This was particularly common when Max was in high levels of distress.
As the storm grew louder, Max bolted down the hallway to the spare room, pulling as hard as he could on the knob that wouldn’t budge.
The key.
He checked his pockets, the drawers in the kitchen, Dan’s set of keys on the hook by the door. He tentatively opened up Dan’s room and checked in the closet, on his end tables, and even the bed. It was nowhere to be found.
With another loud crash the power went out and Max went into a frenzy. While he was trauma free, he was still a rather anxious child, and feeling trapped in the dark during the middle of a storm was not his idea of a pleasant outing.
With shaking hands, he pulled out Dan’s phone and opened it to Phil’s contact information. Without a second thought, he put the receiver up to his ear and started to pace around the room.
“Dan? Are you okay?” Phil’s voice came albeit a tad muffled as the sound of heavy rain was drowning out most other sounds.
“N-no. Could you come b-back please?” Max could feel himself starting to cry and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He was a big boy, he was too old to cry. Or so he thought.
“Yeah. Yeah, of course. I’m not too far away, I’ll be right there.” The sound of wind could be heard and Phil’s breath started to quicken; he was running.
“Could you stop and get a colouring book or something? I-I need a distraction.” Max turned out of Dan’s room and into the kitchen. Looking through all the drawers he could get his hands on, no candles could be found anywhere. Just a simple lighter that was tucked away with Kaleb’s things. “Maybe a torch or some candles or something. The power's out. It’s dark.”
“Anything. I think there’s a shop still open on the next block over. Just give me a couple minutes and I’ll be there. Stay calm, take some deep breaths. You’ll be alright.”
Max hung up after promising Phil that he would do as he said and he ran to Dan’s room to get all of the blankets and pillows that he could find. If he couldn’t brave the dark and storm, a fort sure could help.
He set to work, moving the furniture around so he could use the back of the sofas as walls and drape the blankets across them. He had one going over the top like a roof and two draping down either side to enclose the fort. He filled the inside with a blanket base and six pillows that he had found. He wrapped himself up in a small galaxy blanket that he liked to cuddle with and was all set to hide away in his fort when the buzzer rang.
It nearly scared him to the point where he was frozen, but he remembered quickly that the buzzer meant Phil and Phil meant not having to brave the storm alone.
He dashed off to the front door and pressed the button to let Phil into the building. It was only a matter of time before there was a soft knock at the door and Max was swinging it open, jumping into Phil’s arms before the man could even step inside.
“It’s okay. I got you. It’s just a storm, I won’t let it hurt you.” Phil dropped the bag from his second shop run on the ground beside them and he wrapped his arms around Max’s frame. He ran his arms up and down Max’s body, doing what little he could to soothe the boy.
Eventually Max let go, feeling vulnerable with the door to Dan’s flat open. He picked the bag up off the ground before Phil could bend down to grab it and he went straight for the fort in his lounge.
Phil followed in behind and watched as Dan’s body retreated into the dark of the flat, pulling up of of the blanket walls in order to crawl inside.
Max quickly sat down and got to work pulling out the torches and bringing light back into the flat. It was a small comfort that he missed dearly. Next he went for the colouring book, seeing that Phil sprung for the 64 pack of crayons with the sharpener.
“Could I come in?” A voice sounded from outside the fort, bringing Max out of his thoughts.
Rather than answer with words he just pulled the blanket aside so Phil could settle in alongside him.
They didn’t talk. Rather, Phil leaned up against the back of the couch and Max settled in between his legs, resting his head back on Phil’s chest. He had a blanket pulled up over them, making sure that Phil tucked it behind himself so Max was as snug as a bug. His knees were pulled up, allowing the colouring book to rest on his legs as Phil held a torch at its pages.
They stayed like that for the rest of the night. The only movement between them being the scribble of Max’s crayon’s against paper and the occasional physical reassurance Phil gave any time a particularly loud clap of thunder happened.
Dan woke up the next morning with a kink in his neck and a large, blunt object digging into his side. He groaned and wriggled around slightly to pull a small torch out from under his body. He looked around, trying to get his bearings on the situation.
The back of one of his couches was in front of him and he was surrounded by pillows. He was laid on the floor, a mixture of battery operated lights and crayons scattered around the area. He went to sit up when he noticed the arm wrapped around his midsection.
He found himself muttering ‘please be phil, please be phil’ as he cocked his head back to look over his shoulder. There, sleeping peacefully, black strands of hair falling into his eyes, was Phil.
Normally this is when Dan would start freaking out. When he would question what had happened and how he could best escape, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to move. He wanted to be selfish and stay in Phil’s embrace. He craved the affection of the man who stayed with his alter, kept him safe while he coloured. He had never wanted anything more.
So he stayed put. He turned over and buried his face into Phil’s chest. His left arm went around Phil’s waist and his hand held tight onto the man’s shirt. He could feign sleep if he needed to, but in that moment he really didn’t care.
Sometime after Dan was woken up again to a blaring noise coming from somewhere in the fort. He could feel Phil start to move around, doing his best not to move Dan too much as he reached to turn off his phone’s alarm. Once the ringing stopped, Phil pulled Dan closer, placing a gentle kiss to the younger’s hair. Dan hoped that he wasn’t the only one with a strong desire to stay in the warm embrace.
It was a peaceful moment but short lived nonetheless.
“Dan. We have to start getting ready for work.” Phil’s voice was low and full of sleep, exactly how Dan imagined it would be, not that he spent a lot of time thinking about how Phil would sound in the mornings.
Phil’s hand started running through Dan’s hair, picking up a few stray curls and gently letting them fall back into place. If Dan hadn’t been thinking about calling out before, it certainly was running through his mind like wildfire now.
“Dan. Come on. Up up. Go get in the shower and I’ll make us some breakfast.” Phil cooed, starting to pull himself apart from Dan’s body.
“I really don’t want to. You shower first, I’ll sleep.” Dan mumbled barely coherent words as he buried his face deeper into Phil’s chest. He’d be damned if he was getting up right now, now when Phil was embodying all of his senses at once; it was nearly heaven.
“I can’t shower here. I have no clothes to change into. Also I need to go home to get my glasses anyway.” Dan rolled back to look up at Phil. His eyes were red and puffy and he was rocking full on bedhead. “I slept with my contacts in which is never good.”
Even though he didn’t want to, he sat up, his head hitting straight into the blanket ceiling. His arms reached up in an attempt to stretch, but the entire fort came crashing down instead. Laughter bounded through the room and Dan did his best to push the blanket off of their heads.
“Shut up.” Dan mumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before aiming to stretch once again. “If I didn’t break the fort, I would have resigned myself to staying in it all day so I guess dumb luck.”
Phil’s laughter didn’t cease, rather turning into a low, hearty chuckle. This resulted in Dan giving Phil a playful shove and standing up in case Phil retaliated.
Once he was up, he took the time to look around for his phone, knowing that it would most likely need a quick charge before heading into work. He’d be damned if he would leave the house without it.
He found it on the ground just outside the fort and picked it up. Before walking back towards his room, he picked up Phil’s as well.
“You go ahead and shower; I can loan you some clothes. I mainly own black so you’re gonna look a bit off for the day, but it should be fine.” As Dan headed down the hallway towards his room, his voice got softer and softer. He’d imagined Phil in his clothes multiple times and the reality of it was exciting.
“Hey at the very least it will give people in the office something new to speculate about!” Phil yelled from the other room.
Rifling through a box in his closet, he came across his spare charger. He plugged it in next to his charger by the bedside table and left the phones there. Phil’s phone screen came to life as it was plugged in, indicating it was now charging, but also revealing the new background Dan hadn’t seen.
The picture was rather dark, the only lighting coming from the moon, but it was unmistakable that Dan and Phil were in the photo. They were laying on the ground of some field, Dan hiding his face in Phil’s chest while Phil looked down at him in complete awe. He didn’t remember the moment, but from what he could tell, it was special to someone in the system.
A smile crept upon Dan’s face, his body tingling all over. He was happy, content. His normal pang of jealousy when seeing evidence of an alter enjoying Phil’s company was missing, his guard down for the first time in years. Because of this, it was easier for Evelyn to slip through.
Evelyn was in the body most mornings. As the protector, it was her job to get Dan ready for the day ahead. She was very used to her routine, so when she walked out into the living room to grab a glass of water and take their morning pills, seeing Phil cleaning up the lounge with no shirt on was quite the shock.
She was about to ask what had transpired but the sight of pillows and blankets phil was folding and stacking on the couch was enough information to get by. Max was the only one to make forts and he only did them when he was scared.
Evelyn, who hadn’t warmed up to Phil in the way the rest of the alters did, walked past him and continued on her way to the kitchen. While Max enjoyed the childlike wonder Phil had, Kaleb digged the overall sex appeal of the man, and Dan wanted to kiss the ground he walked on, Evelyn was still wary.
Evelyn was the one who took care of everyone. In the inner world, she was the mother to Max and a big sister to Kaleb. She kept them all in line, helping them with their problems and keeping emotions at bay. While Phil hadn’t exactly posed a threat to the system yet, he posed a threat to Evelyn. So far he had proven to Dan, Max and Kaleb that he could protect them, love them, keep them safe. If Phil was in their lives, Evelyn felt as though she would be tossed to the side. A useless part of the system with Phil there to guide them.
Letting Phil into her life meant giving over some of the control, allowing someone else to make sure Dan was getting enough sleep and arriving to work on time. She couldn’t trust Phil to be that person, not yet, possibly not ever.
Still, keeping Dan happy and healthy was her number one priority and as the boy was so deeply enamoured with the man, she kept her concerns mainly to herself.
She filled up a glass of water, drinking about half of it before reaching into a cabinet and pulling out the pill container with the days listed on them. She popped up the sunday container, dumping the pills onto the table and proceeded to take them one by one, a hefty gulp in between.
“So uh, If I’m gonna take a shower I’m gonna need a towel.” Phil’s voice came from out of nowhere and Evelyn nearly started choking on a vitamin tablet she just swallowed. She looked up to see Phil standing in front of her. “Also if you could give me the clothes so I could get changed into them right after, it would be greatly appreciated.”
“Yeah give me a second.” Her eyes instantly fell from Phil’s gaze as she continued what she was doing, completely disregarding Phil’s presence entirely. She was generally better about her disapproval towards Phil, but mornings forced her to be so focused that she couldn’t compute the notion.
When the last pill was swallowed, she took the medicine bottles out of the same cabinet and refilled the sunday portion. She was aware of Phil’s eyes on her, aware that he must have noticed a change in ‘Dan’s’ demeanor. She didn’t veer from her routine, knowing it could be played off as morning grogginess.
With the pills away and the glass placed into the sink to be washed, she turned her attention back to the shirtless man. Without a word, she motioned for him to follow her down the hall and into the bathroom. Inside was a smaller shelf that held towels and washcloths.
“You can use anything in the shower. There’s a pretty wide variety in there.” Almost certain that Dan hadn’t thought to take out the four vastly different kinds of body wash and shampoo, she went for the ‘ignore and act as though it’s normal’ schtick. “Give me two seconds and I’ll get you some things to change into.”
She’d left Phil to return to Dan’s room. She would have preferred he come along to pick out what he wanted, but Max’s train set was shoved into the corner of the room and Phil would pick up on it instantly. By now she knew Phil’s style and Dan’s was nothing like Phil’s. Dan’s clothes were devoid of life while Phil preferred to drown in it.
Going through Dan’s closet and coming up with only a new pair of boxers and some black trousers led her to pulling the key from the bedside table and going to unlock the spare room. She took a quick survey of the surroundings, being sure Phil wasn’t lurking around, and opened the door to her shared room.
Her wardrobe was brighter than Dan’s, move up to speed with what Phil liked to wear. She was searching for a button down that was the perfect balance between bright and happy yet professional. She stumbled upon a scarlet coloured button down, a tiny little koala embroidered onto the breast pocket.
She carried them down to the bathroom, hanging them up on the door so they wouldn’t wrinkle. When she opened the door enough to peer in, Phil was down to his boxers, attempting to figure out how the shower came on.
Evelyn typically referred to herself as being somewhere on the ace spectrum, but in that moment she understood Dan and Kaleb’s obsession.
While Phil wasn’t overly toned, he had clear muscle definition, particularly in his arms. He had little pudgy love handles and legs that went on for miles. His back had little freckles spread about, a map of sorts just waiting for someone to play connect the dots. And his ass, his ass was divine, a gift from the gods as Kaleb would say.
“Need a little help?” She shook herself out of the daze, already feeling behind schedule and remembering that she had to keep Phil at a distance. Phil jumped in the air, evidently started with a small yelp passing through his lips.
“Uh, yes please.” Phil responded, standing straight up, polite in his reply. Phil was usually that way around Evelyn, picking up on ‘Dan’s’ mood change and following accordingly.
Her hand came up, motioning the man out of the way and she expertly pulled a lever and turned a few knobs. She felt the water temperature before moving out of the way and going back into the hallway.
“Clothes are hanging here and I’ll be in the kitchen making breakfast if you need me. Try not to be too long as we’re already running into the risk of being late.”
When she was halfway through preparing breakfast, it taking slightly longer than normal as there was two mouths to feed instead of one, Phil came out completely dressed. His hair was damp, but his fringe was styled in his normal way, air drying into place. The last thing Evelyn wanted to do was give up control and let Phil finish the most important part of her schedule, but if they had any hope of getting to the office on time, she had to trust him enough not to mess breakfast up.
Her shower was quick, washing down everything in a timely manner, her mind occupied with thoughts of Phil in her kitchen. She caught herself hoping he would fail, hoping he would prove all of her concerns correct. It was far easier than admitting she could be wrong, admitting she no longer had a secure place.
To her surprise, the flat had not burned down. Phil was plating up the pancakes when she walked out into the kitchen, several different kinds of toppings were out with spoons in them and even two full glasses of orange juice were poured.
They ate in silence, but it wasn’t the silence she knew Phil had with Dan. She could tell he had something on his mind but wasn’t quite sure how to word it. She didn’t ask him to say what he was thinking though, preferring not to hear what would come out of his mouth.
It was when they were cleaning up, Evelyn reluctantly giving in to Phil’s adamant request that he help with the dishes, that Phil finally voiced his concerns. They were stood side by side, Phil scrubbing down the dishes in the sink and handing them off to Evelyn who proceeded to dry them off and put them away.
“Are you okay? You seem a little, on edge, I guess you could say.” Phil spoke, keeping his eyes trained on the dishes in front of him. There was concern lacing his voice and Evelyn took notice of how genuine it sounded.
“I’m fine.” She said flatly.
“I know you’re not. I think I know you well enough to know when something isn’t right.” Phil answered quickly. He momentarily stopped his hands to glance up at Evelyn, but quickly went back to the task at hand.
“Do you really know me well enough? I think you know parts of me but not all the little bits and pieces.” Evelyn retorted.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Phil was sincerely curious about her choice of words, wanting to understand what was happening, wanting to be a confidant.
“I think there are different versions of me, and I don’t think you would like them all.”
Phil didn’t hesitate in his response.
“There could be a million versions of you across the whole of the universe and I would find something to love in every single one.”
Evelyn immediately froze in place, dish rag stalling in her hands and looked up at Phil. His body was calm and a small smile was etched across his lips, almost as if he was thinking about a world with a million Dan’s laid out in front of him. The joy he would get at spending his life with a million people who were exactly the same yet so, so different.
He’d noticed she stopped what she was doing and turned to look up at her.
“What is it? Am I doing the dishes wrong? Please tell me, I don’t want to mess up your flow.” His words were authentic and for once she believed Phil could want the best for them all.
“No no. It’s fine. I trust you.” She wished she could elaborate. Wished she could explain why she trusted him and to the extent at which she did, but it wasn’t hers to explain.
Instead she did the one thing she knew she could to show her love.
Her nose started to tingle and her eyes closed.
“Please don’t ever forget that I care about you and I always will.” Phil’s voice was getting distant as Evelyn slipped back, but every single person in the system could hear his words.
‘Don’t you dare let him go, Dan Howell.’
“I won’t.” Dan whispered.
As their friendship grew on and Phil started spending more and more nights over at Dan’s, the idea of a romance between the two became less of a fantasy Dan could only dream of in the dead of night and more of a possibility.
Their touches lingered for longer, their conversations became deeper, forehead and shoulder kisses became more common, and an overwhelming sadness fell over any time they had to part.
They became the talk of the office, frequently showing up dressed in the others clothing, going out to lunch most days and when one was out sick, the other was either home as well or may as well be with how lost they appeared throughout the day.
To outsiders, even Dan and Phil’s families, they seemed to be your normal happy go lucky honeymoon phased couple. And that would be true had they been dating. It wasn’t that Dan didn’t want to be dating Phil, of course he did. He would kill to be able to add a morning kiss onto their new Evelyn approved morning routine. He just couldn’t get up the courage to actually say the words.
He’d attempted one night, asking Phil if he wanted to go out to dinner. Dan made reservations at a fancy upscale Italian restaurant nearby, and dressed up in one of his nicest outfits. While Dan thought it was obvious he’d meant a date, when Phil showed up at his place severely underdressed, it was evident Phil did not catch on.
But it wasn’t as if the romantic undertones between the two were one sided. Phil would frequently compliment Dan. He would add little unnecessary touches in the middle of conversation and, during the night when he thought Dan was asleep, he would intertwine their fingers.
Even the alters knew they should be together. Evelyn would frequently invite Phil over and give Dan back the reins seconds before Phil showed up at the door. Kaleb would take Phil out for a night of pub hopping in hopes of a late night confession and possible make out session. Even Max would ask Phil about his future, if he wanted to be married or if he saw himself with kids one day.
Everyone but Dan could work out a way to make it happen, he was just far too insecure to take a leap and grab the things he wanted out of life.
But that led to a day when Dan woke up in bed, an arm slung over his waist. It wouldn’t have been alarming, as Phil normally held him when he slept over, but no, this time Dan was practically naked.
He sat up quickly, Phil’s arm flinging off of his body and landing back on the bed. The swift movement startled Phil awake, and assuming that Dan had a nightmare of some sort, he put his arms around Dan, rocking the boy back and forth.
Dan tried to assess the situation, looking down at his bare body save for the boxers hanging low on his hips. Glancing back proved to be an overload in Dan’s brain as Phil was in an almost identical state at Dan. He wiggled out of Phil’s grasp and pulled the blanket up to cover himself, knowing full well that it was pointless; Phil had most likely seen everything there was to see at that point.
“Dan, love, what’s wrong?” Phil purred, getting up on his hands and knees to move in front of Dan’s face.
Dan wanted to look. He wanted to take in Phil’s chest and his upper thighs that he’d always dreamed would one day be wrapped around his head. He wanted to take advantage of whatever situation Kaleb or Evelyn had put him in, but he just couldn’t. He kept his eyes trained down on the blanket pattern.
While it wasn’t a foolproof plan, he thought it would buy him some time to come up with some rational scenario that didn’t involve Kaleb, a bottle of Jack, and a first time he wouldn’t get to remember. No, what happened was far worse.
Phil’s fingers found their way under Dan’s chin and within seconds, he was being forced to lock eyes. Brown against blue. Before Dan could even blink, Phil was inching forward and their lips touched ever so gently. It was chaste and should have been a sweet gesture if Dan hadn’t been so confused and on the verge of heartbreak.
He pulled back, a little quicker than he had intended to and swung his legs over the side of the bed, ignoring Phil’s gaze in the process. He wanted to run, to escape the situation before Phil could explain, before Kaleb would start taunting in his ear about how he’d won the game. He needed out, but his legs wouldn’t budge, his feet cement blocks on the floor.
“Did I do something wrong?” Phil’s voice came out a little shaky almost as if he was fighting back tears. “I’d thought that after last night, after our first date and everything we talked about, it would be alright to kiss you.”
Dan stayed silent, willing himself to move, to run, to escape. He couldn’t, and sat helplessly as Phil joined him on the edge of the bed, creating a gap between them for the first time in months.
“I assumed since you had kissed me last night that I could kiss you now, and that was wrong. Previous consent does not mean consent forever and I should have asked if you were okay with it bef-”
“I kissed you last night?” Dan cut Phil off, his eyes growing wide as they moved to Phil’s face. Anger was boiling in his stomach. He wanted to destroy something, smash Kaleb’s things the way that he had destroyed Dan’s first experience with Phil.
Phil was stunned into silence.
The room lay still, neither talked nor moved an inch. Dan’s mind was loud, the alters giving their two sense on just how badly Dan fucked up, but he didn’t care. For the first time in years, he wished he never had DID.
Out of nowhere, Phil was up off the bed in a flash, hunting around the room in search of his clothing. It was only as Phil was pulling his pants on that Dan started to agree that he’d messed up everything he’d ever wanted.
“What are you doing?” Tears started welling up in Dan’s eyes and he wasn’t sure if he had the willpower to keep them from falling. He’d had everything he’d ever wanted. He had someone who liked to hold and kiss him, someone who was concerned about his wellbeing, and in a span of minutes he had to watch them leave before his eyes.
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going. I can’t do this anymore Dan, I really can’t.” Phil’s voice was hoarse, like he too was trying and failing to hold back the tears. He reached for his shirt and Dan went into overdrive, regaining control of his legs and jumping off the bed. He grabbed Phil’s shirt out of his hands and held it tightly in his fists.
“No. No, I won’t let you go.” Phil looked less than thrilled, making a grab at the shirt in Dan’s hand, but Dan quickly moved it behind his back. Dan thought that would hold Phil, but the man just let out a sigh and turned to walk out of the bedroom.
“Where are you going? You can’t just leave like that!” Dan followed after him, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t even bother to put on his own clothes, fully prepared to run after Phil in the streets half naked.
“Keep the shirt. It’s yours anyway.” Phil walked into the lounge, picking up his keys and wallet off of the coffee table. Dan frantically tried to calm his breathing while thinking about what he could do to stop the best thing to happen to him from walking out on his life.
“But why? Why are you going? Can you please just tell me what I did wrong? I’m sorry that I reacted that way. Just come back and kiss me again. I’ll be better this time. I’ll keep my mouth shut and we can go back to bed and just pretend it never happened.”
“Can’t you see that that’s the problem Dan? You always conveniently forget some of the most important memories I have with you and then I have to pretend like they never happened. The time we took a walk through the park and I told you that coming out to my parents was one of the scariest things I’d ever done, and two days later you asked me what I hoped my wife would be like. That time we took my parent's car and went on a late night drive to the beach and you’d later said you’d never been.” Phil’s hand ran through his hair, a few tears dropping down from his cheeks onto the floor. He’d stopped his pace completely, standing shirtless in the middle of the room, baring his soul to Dan. “Or when I told you I was severely allergic to cats and weeks later you booked up a reservation at a fucking cat cafe! I could continue on, Dan. The list is about a mile long.”
“I didn’t- I can explain.” Dan knew he had to tell Phil, knew it was the only way to even have a chance at holding on, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let the secret go. Not yet. He wasn’t ready.
“No, I don’t think you can. Dan, you act different so much. I feel like half the time you aren’t even you. You forget entire conversations we have, you don’t care about the moments that mean so much to me. Hell, you forgot our first date and our first kiss. I care about you, so much Dan. I really thought you felt the same way.”
Phil wiped the back of his hand across his cheeks, drying his face of the tear tracks. He gave one last look up at Dan, almost like he was begging him to give him a reason to stay, an explanation to it all, curb his insecurities and tell him he felt the same, but Dan’s tongue was tied.
Phil shook his head and walked past Dan, out of the lounge and towards the front door.
‘Just fucking say it Dan. Don’t let him leave.’
‘I’m sorry Dan. I shouldn’t have kissed him, but don’t let that be the end.’
‘Who will hold me during the storms now?’
Phil’s hand was on the knob, ready to open the door and walk out of Dan’s life forever when he finally found enough courage.
“I have DID.”
Seconds were minutes, time stood still as Dan watched Phil’s hand slide off the door knob and turn back to face Dan. He hadn’t even registered that he’d said it until the words were resounding throughout his head.
“You have what?” Phil’s voice was soft again, caring and fluid like he usually was. He didn’t move from his place in front of the door, but his eyes had a twinkle again.
“I have DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 17, but I’ve had it since I was really young.” Dan’s voice was shaking, never having been more afraid, yet at ease to tell someone. He knew that if he wanted a future with Phil, he’d have to tell him eventually, but he really didn’t want it to be a final card to play in an attempt to save that future.
“I don’t-” Phil took a tentative step towards Dan, gauging the reaction of the boy before taking another three steps to stand directly in front of him. “What does that mean?”
Dan took a deep breath and looked around the room. He’d thought about telling Phil countless times. He’d rehearsed what he would say and how he would deliver the information, but the spur of the moment confession left him unprepared.
“Do you think we could sit down or something? This will be kind of a lot to take in and it might take me a bit to get through it all.” Dan’s hand came up, his thumb pointing behind him towards the lounge. He hoped it would be enough.
Without words, Phil nodded his head. He started walking back the way they came, taking Dan’s hand in his as he went.
Dan was trembling and the small contact Phil gave him calmed his heart enough to help him think clearer, to begin to work through just what he would say.
They sat down on the couch, Phil sat with crossed legged and his back against the armrest. Dan sat with some distance between them, bringing his knees to his chest and holding on tightly.
Silence lingered, Dan working out just what he wanted to say and how to say it. Phil was waiting patiently beside him. After ten minutes, and Phil scooting closer to place a hand on Dan’s shoulder, Dan opened his mouth to speak.
“DID is an illness where a person has at least two personality states. These states are called alters. Everyone is different, but for me, I have three other people living in my head. It’s usually developed in childhood, the mind ‘splits’ to protect itself from some kind of trauma that occurred. I don’t remember what happened to me, but I know that it was really bad.
“There’s a whole lot that goes into it, and I don’t want to bore you with the details, but basically when I ‘forget’ things, it’s because I wasn’t there for them. I like to call it lost time because I have no recollection of what happens when an alter is out except for a few spare times, and I really have to rely on context clue, notes from my alters, and others’ stories to help me fill in the gaps.
“I have three alters and we all work in what’s called a system. You’ve met them all without really knowing it. Or maybe you know it because they aren’t the best actors and our personalities are so different. There’s Evelyn, who was the first alter. She’s grown up with me and she looks after the wellbeing of the system. Kaleb came next and he’s kind of a dick. He’s the one who smokes and parties and he’s the one who stole my first kiss with you. Then there’s Max, who’s only 11. He ages very slowly in comparison to myself and the other alters, so he’s only aged 2 years in 6. He’s a child who loves to colour and go to the park and I’d be willing to bet he was the one at the beach with you that day.
“I just. I was going to tell you, one day, but there’s always a fear that comes along with saying it. There’s the fear that you won’t believe me like most people do. Like my psychology professor at Uni whose whole lecture on DID was that it was basically a made-up thing people did to excuse bad behaviour. There’s also the fear that you’d believe me but consider it too much to handle. I’m really not sure what’s worse.
“That’s kinda it. At least the really basic part of it anyway. You can decide what to do now.” Dan, who had been holding on tightly to Phil’s shirt the entire time handed it out to him, gesturing that the ball was in his court to decide what to do.
Phil reached out and took the shirt, standing up off of the couch and pulling it over his head. He leaned down, pressing a kiss onto Dan’s temple before walking towards the door of the lounge.
Dan kept his head down, not ready to watch Phil leave.
“I’m gonna make us breakfast. Would you rather eggs or pancakes?” Dan’s head shot up, a wide grin spanning ear to ear. Phil couldn't help but break his composure and smiled right back.
“Pancakes please.” Dan unrolled himself from his ball and met Phil at the door. Phil’s arms opened and Dan leapt into them, burying his face into Phil’s chest. He wanted to be happy, but his deep insecurities couldn't let him quite yet. “Are you sure?”
“What is there to even consider? I appreciate you telling me and believe me, I’ve got about a million things I wanna ask both you and google, but I don’t want to overwhelm you right now. How about we eat some breakfast, watch a movie or something, and come back to it?” Phil’s hand rubbed up and down Dan’s back before pulling away. Before Dan could lift his head, Phil’s lips came forward, leaving a lingering kiss to the boy’s forehead. Dan countered by placing his hands on either side of Phil’s face and connecting their lips.
“That sounds perfect, but I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore. I want you to know how committed I am to you and to making this work. If you have any questions or thoughts that pop up, please just throw them out there, and if I feel like I can answer it, I will. ”
Phil thought for a moment, his eyes looking out to the side as if he was thinking deep in thought.
“Is that why you were so adamant about not seeing Split?” Phil said and Dan groaned, pushing Phil away and resuming the walk to the kitchen.
“Don’t even get me started on that fucking movie. It’s literally just a way to make money off fear mongering like I’m not gonna kidnap you and kill you or some shit. Like worse case scenario is Kaleb will be a fuck and sleep with someone, which we will have to talk about, but like god that movie just gets me going. The inaccuracies are unbelievable and everyone who says ‘it’s just a movie’, well I’d like them to walk a fucking day in my shoes. Let them see how fast they flip that dumbass opinion.”
Phil chuckled, following after Dan and letting him rant. Things made so much more sense, clicked together.
“You know I’ve always hated that movie just as much as you, but it’s just really cute to see you get all worked up.”
“Oh shut up.”
They went into the kitchen, Phil pulling out all of the ingredients needed to get the pancake batter going, Dan getting started on a pot of coffee. It was easy. It was perfect.
“So how was our first date?” Dan asked halfway through the pancake process.
“I don’t know.” Phil replied, a sly grin appearing. “We haven’t had ours yet.”
Dan was momentarily shocked, ready to pitch a fit that this whole fight happened and there wasn’t even a date to begin with, but Phil was quick to shut him up.
“As far as I’m concerned, if you weren’t there mentally, it wasn’t our first date. We can try again another day.”
Dan put his arms around Phil’s neck, taking in the moment. Everything he’d been through, all the time he’d spent worrying about Phil’s reaction. Never in a million life times did he think he would be lucky enough to find someone so understanding, someone who would stand in his corner no matter what.
“That sounds good to me, but could we also have a redo on that first kiss?” Dan inched his face forwards, daring Phil to take the next step.
“We could redo that as much as you want.”
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Director Kay Cannon Talks ‘Blockers,’ Advice From Tina Fey and Elizabeth Banks (Exclusive)
To many, Kay Cannon is probably known as the writer behind the Pitch Perfect franchise, or as the Emmy-nominated producer of 30 Rock and New Girl,or as the creator of Netflix's Girlboss. Now, Cannon is adding director to her list of titles with the raunchy R-rated comedy Blockers, about three parents trying to stop their daughters from losing their virginity on prom night, in theaters on April 6.
Of course, taking on the challenge of directing is a big step -- even for a comedy goddess like Cannon -- so it should come as no surprise that she turned to fellow female filmmakers and friends, Tina Fey and Elizabeth Banks and others, for advice about her debut.
“When I was hired by Tina for 30 Rock, I had talked to her about my frustration with writing. And she bought me a book [called] Bird by Bird," Cannon told ET, explaining that the concept is to approach a script one line at a time. “You take one joke at a time and just go ‘bird by bird.’” Soon, this became Cannon’s mantra and secret to her success, which she relied on onset of Blockers.
“I don’t think of the whole long day, I think of where I am now,” she continued. “[I think], How is this going? Let me work on this, and then I move onto the next one. I found myself repeating ‘bird by bird’ often.”
Leading up to directing Blockers, Cannon called on many of the directors she previously worked with and shadowed all the directors she could. “Just take in any nugget of information you can,” she said, highlighting this advice she got over lunch from Banks, who recently transitioned from acting to directing and producing: “Know things will be hard.”
“I learn a lot from Liz just by watching her in action, because I think she more walks the walk. If there’s an obstacle, she’s like, ‘OK, whatever,’ and she moves on,” Cannon said. “She’s really strong and so I tried to think of it that way, too. Just be strong, be tough; just go.”
Posing with a dear friend on the last 30 Rock writers' dinner. Much love and gratitude to the 30 Rock staff, especially this lady.
A post shared by Kay Cannon (@kaykaycannon) on Dec 8, 2012 at 10:41pm PST
With Blockers, Cannon is joining a small number of female directors working on a big-budget studio production -- including Banks, who made over $287 million worldwide directing Pitch Perfect 2. Cannon is one of an even smaller group -- only six, including Amy Heckerling (Fast Times at Ridgemont High), Tamra Davis (Half Baked),Nancy Meyers (It’s Complicated), Sharon Maguire (Bridget Jones’s Diary) and Lucia Aniello (Rough Night) -- who helmed an R-rated studio comedy. Actually, Cannon is the only female director whose movie is an R-rated studio comedy about a trio of teenage girls urgent to lose their virginity, while audiences have watched for decades as guys celebrate the first time they have sex in films, like American Pie, Porky's and The 40-Year Old Virgin.
“I’m shocked that [a female, coming-of-age story] hasn't already been told. I feel like it's about time,” Cannon said, citing John Hughes classics -- The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Pretty in Pink -- as some of her favorites from her own teenage years. Cannon said that she was attracted to Blockers because it "wasn't a typical high-school sex movie" and confronted that sexual double-standard audiences have seen in movies through the years. “We’re seeing young women have agency over their own bodies and making their own choices and being really funny ... I think it should have happened a long time ago, but I'm happy to be the one to do it, that's for sure.”
In fact, Blockers initially wasn't quite as progressive as it ended up in the final cut -- at least, not totally. While the movie always centered around three teen girls, the parents were all dads. Once the script changed to include a mom (now played by Leslie Mann, with John Cena and Ike Barinholtz as the other two parents), the all-male writers and producers behind the film immediately recognized the need for some female energy in the room. Cannon proved to be the missing link to making the female-driven comedy work.
"Pitch Perfect 2". Four more months! #girlpower
A post shared by Kay Cannon (@kaykaycannon) on Jan 12, 2015 at 1:40am PST
“I think it's safe to say all of our careers would be over if this [movie] was directed by a man,” producer Evan Goldberg said. “And it was not just important [to have a female director], but the only thing that mattered.” Goldberg and his longtime-producing partner, actor Seth Rogen, have been behind some memorable but male-centric romps, including Superbad, the sex quest that made household names out of Jonah Hill, Michael Cera and Christopher Mintz-Plasse. They were the first to recommend Cannon for the job.
“The first time I met her was at a writers’ roundtable that we were doing for Neighbors 2 because. once again, we were a bunch of men making a movie that was heavily supposed to feature the female perspective," Rogen said, revealing they got input from women writers they knew. “With that, I remember thinking, Wow, Kay is super smart and impressive and we should work with her in a more meaningful way because she just seems incredibly talented.”
“I was kind of like the only lady in the room. It’d be like me and 12 guys," Cannon recalled about first joining Blockers. “I felt like [the movie] was written by guys and I felt what was so great about being offered to direct was that I was going to be able to come in as a writer and put my perspective into it and give more to the daughters and make it make more sense from my female perspective.”
The 43-year-old says she immediately identified with the script as both as a former teenager and as a mother to a daughter (Evelyn Rose, 4). She laughed when thinking about raising a teen, saying, “I hope to be the cool mom that she can come and tell anything she wants to. At the same time, I’ve got this little voice in the back of my head that's like, ‘Is she OK? Is she going to be all right? What's happening to her?’”
The fam is back together again!
A post shared by Kay Cannon (@kaykaycannon) on Mar 30, 2018 at 11:57am PDT
Ultimately, the director is hopeful that the movie leads to more frank discussions about sex between parents and their kids, especially fathers and daughters. But in terms of having an impact on Hollywood, Cannon hopes that directing a successful, R-rated comedy can help forward the movement for more representation for women behind the camera.
“I think that we have a long, long way to go. I think just maybe in the last six months there’s just been change coming, like, forcing the hand. Like, it just can’t be, you know, talking about it," Cannon said. "Pitch Perfect 2 made monster money and Spy and Trainwreck and 2015 was huge for female-driven comedies. Then in 2017, we should've seen the numbers [of female-driven comedies] increase, and it didn't. So, I was a little disheartened by that. I hope now, [studios] just can't have a short-term memory.”
Cannon concluded: "[Women] are good business. We do good business and they should be investing in us."
--Additional reporting by Cameron Mathison and Keltie Knight
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FRIDAY SF & FANTASY - Rarity from the Hollow
DISCLAIMER: This content has been provided to THE PULP AND MYSTERY SHELF by the author. No compensation was received. This information required by the Federal Trade Commission.
ABOUT THE BOOK
Lacy Dawn’s father relives the Gulf War, her mother’s teeth are rotting out, and her best friend is murdered by the meanest daddy on Earth. Life in the hollow is hard. She has one advantage — an android was inserted into her life and is working with her to cure her parents. But, he wants something in exchange. It’s up to her to save the Universe. Lacy Dawn doesn’t mind saving the universe, but her family and friends come first.
Rarity from the Hollow is adult literary science fiction filled with tragedy, comedy and satire.
“The most enjoyable science fiction novel I have read in years.”
—Temple Emmet Williams, Author, former editor for Reader’s Digest
“Quirky, profane, disturbing… In the space between a few lines we go from hardscrabble realism to pure sci-fi/fantasy. It’s quite a trip.”
Evelyn Somers, The Missouri Review
. “…a hillbilly version of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy…what I would have thought impossible; taken serious subjects like poverty, ignorance, abuse…tongue-in-cheek humor without trivializing them…profound…a funny book that most sci-fi fans will thoroughly enjoy.” — Awesome Indies (Gold Medal)
“…sneaks up you and, before you know it, you are either laughing like crazy or crying in despair, but the one thing you won’t be is unmoved…a brilliant writer.” —Readers’ Favorite (Gold Medal)
“Rarity from the Hollow is an original and interesting story of a backwoods girl who saves the Universe in her fashion. Not for the prudish.” —Piers Anthony, New York Times bestselling author
“…Good satire is hard to find and science fiction satire is even harder to find.” — The Baryon Review
INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR
What initially got you interested in writing?
I grew up in an impoverished West Virginian family that didn’t have money for toys or recreation. We didn’t have a working television or a telephone until I was a teen. My father was a war damaged Vet with PTSD who would become enraged when intoxicated. Perhaps dissociative of harsh reality, I began writing stories as a child, often using paper grocery bags. I would read the stories to my younger siblings and share them in the community – gas station attendants, store clerks, neighbors…. It became my primary recreation.
I continued to write, but more to express my frustration and anger as a teen at a tumultuous time in American history – civil rights and the Vietnam War. I started writing poetry, some of it published in alternative political zines. While I continued to write short stories during these years, I was so busy that they were unpolished and rarely shared. I enrolled in college to avoid the military draft and continued to write but added handout for protests and other promotional materials / slogans that were used in local protests. One of my poems was accepted for publication in the 1972 West Virginia Student Poetry Anthology, an annual competition. During graduate school, having serious academic deficiencies from very poor attendance in public school, working two jobs, and with a young son, my fiction writing took second place to school papers, including the dissertation.
I was awarded a Master’s Degree in Social Work in 1977 and specialized in child welfare. It was an evolving time in the field. My writing focused on social service models for helping kids, one of which was accepted into the Child Welfare Resource Center Research Library and another was nationally distributed by the U.S. Department of Justice. Over a forty year career in child advocacy, my writing in the field were research on foster care accepted for presentation in 1983 by the National Association of Social Workers, investigative reports published by the West Virginia Supreme Court where I worked from 1982 through 1997, statistical reports on child abuse and delinquency, training materials…stuff that aspiring fiction writers produce.
A little over a year ago, I retired from my most recent job as a psychotherapist for a local mental health center. During this long haul, I never lost interest in writing fiction but never made the move into it either.
How did you decide to make the move into being a published author?
As I mentioned, I accepted a job as a children’s psychotherapist in 2002. It was an intensive day program for children with serious emotional disturbances. Many of the children had been abused, some sexually. Part of my job was to facilitate group therapy sessions. One day in 2006 during a session, I met a skinny little girl who became my inspiration for pursuing my life-long dream of becoming a published author of fiction. I named her Lacy Dawn, my protagonist.
While always an avid reader within all genres, I was totally naive about the world of books and believed that all it took to become an author would be to write a great novel. Without conducting much research, I found Duotrope, it was free back then, and began submitting short stories that I’d written after work. Three were subsequently published in Wingspan Quarterly, Beyond Centauri, and Atomjack Science Fiction Magazine. I received token payments. Since it was fun and easy, I started on what would become my debut novel, Rarity from the Hollow.
When I felt that the manuscript of the novel was ready, I started looking for publishers and agents. A new traditional eBook publisher was listed, owned by the Acquisitions Editor for the University of Michigan’s Library. I submitted and for the next six months we mailed the paper manuscript back and forth. I had to learn what the little symbols that she had written in the margins meant. I week after the release of Rarity from the Hollow, this publisher went defunct. The owner sent me a few hundred dollars and apologized before fading into the sunset. While I didn’t realize the significance at the time, the best thing about the experience is that the novel had received glowing reviews by The Missouri Review and Baryonline (a highly regarded science fiction book critic) and blurbs by Piers Anthony and David Gerrold, famous authors, as well as a few reviews and blurbs by lesser known poets and authors.
Reality hit. For the next almost six years, almost every evening after work, I searched for publishers, posted on social media, emailed agents, and almost gave up after Robert Stephenson, an Australian agent who believed that he could place Rarity from the Hollow with Tor, suddenly died. Fortunately, somewhere along the way, I met Adam Lowe, owner of Dog Horn Publishing, a traditional small press. Based on the adversity that I’d experienced, I dedicated half of any future author proceeds to child abuse prevention so that I would never be tempted to give up again. A reedited Rarity from the Hollow was published on Amazon for the first time in 2012 and, wiser, I began anew. However, this edition had a serious formatting problem – the italics for the internal dialogue were missing. There has been an assortment of other barriers and successes with this novel since the first edition by Dog Horn, some of them related to my inexperience and some of them because small presses, while incurring all costs, do not have marketing budgets or adequate staff.
Despite the formatting problem, the first edition was awarded two Gold Medals by major book review organizations, was named one of the best releases of 2015 by a Bulgaria book critic, and received twenty-six five star reviews and forty-three four star reviews by independent book review bloggers. An unsolicited Top 100 Amazon Reviewer found:
“Rarity from the Hollow written by Robert Eggleton, to be fully honest, was much more than expected and a great read – semi-autobiographical literary work full of beautiful and ugly things, adventure, romance, pain and humor….”
Another reviewer of the first edition found that the writing style was one-quarter turn beyond that of the famous author, Kurt Vonnegut. http://electricrev.net/2014/08/12/a-universe-on-the-edge/ While I’m flattered by this comparison, please note that the novel was found by the editor of Atomjack Science Fiction Magazine, to be “laugh-out-loud funny” in some scenes. Long-time book critic, Barry Hunter, closed his review, “…good satire is hard to find and science fiction satire is even harder to find.” http://thebaryonreview.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2012-01-01T00:00:00-05:00&updated-max=2013-01-01T00:00:00-05:00&max-results=50 Vonnegut, Douglas Adams (i.e., Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy), or Tom Robbins (i.e., Another Roadside Attraction) are also close examples by subgenre. A former Editor of Reader’s Digest found that, “Rarity from the Hollow is the most enjoyable science fiction that I’ve read in several years….” http://warriorpatient.com/blog/?p=58 Recently, the novel was referred to as a Hillbilly version of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and awarded a gold medal by Awesome Indies: “…Tucked between the folds of humor are some profound observations on human nature and modern society that you have to read to appreciate….” http://awesomeindies.net/ai-approved-review-of-rarity-from-the-holly-by-robert-eggleton/ More recently, with respect to the story’s treatment of tough social issues, this reviewer said: “…I was hesitant to accept. I usually do not read or review books that discuss child abuse or domestic violence; however, I was intrigued by the excerpt and decided to give it a shot. I am glad that I took a risk; otherwise, I would have missed out on a fantastic story with a bright, resourceful, and strong protagonist that grabbed my heart and did not let go….” http://www.onmykindle.net/2015/11/rarity-from-hollow.html A book reviewer from Bulgaria named Rarity from the Hollow as one of the best five books that he had read in 2015. http://codices.info/2015/12/top-5-for-2015-ventsi/ On January 20, 2016, Rarity from the Hollow was awarded a second Gold Medal by a popular book review site: https://readersfavorite.com/book-review/rarity-from-the-hollow. Additional praise of the first edition has been posted by book bloggers on Amazon.
The second edition of Rarity from the Hollow was released on November 3, 2016: http://www.lulu.com/shop/robert-eggleton/rarity-from-the-hollow/paperback/product-22910478.html. The eBook version was released on December 5, 2016: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B017REIA44/ref=tsm_1_fb_lk.
There are still barriers that will hopefully be resolved, such as the Look Inside on the paperback version on Amazon not being correct. But, I’ve learned a lot by struggling to become a published author with a debut novel. Mostly, I’ve learned to not give up. Instead, I think about the determination of the real-life Lacy Dawn – to find herself a permanent loving home, to achieve empowerment so that what the meanest daddy on Earth did to her is kept in the past. And, I remind myself about how if this novel ever does well that it will benefit a lot of maltreated kids.
What advice would you give to people you decide to make the move into being a published author?
After sharing my story, my advice would be to never give up, to invest what you can and make responsible decisions in pursuit of your dream.
What do you want readers to take away from reading your works?
Primarily, the mission of Rarity from the Hollow is to sensitize readers to the huge social problem of child maltreatment through a comical and satiric science fiction adventure. There’s other social commentary in the story. The content addresses: poverty, domestic violence, local and intergalactic economics, mental health concerns – including PTSD experienced by Veterans and the medicinal use of marijuana for treatment of Bipolar Disorder, Capitalism, and touches on the role of Jesus: “Jesus is everybody’s friend, not just humans.”
There’s also political allegory in Rarity from the Hollow. You would have to read the novel to find out how Lacy Dawn, the protagonist, convinced Mr. Rump (Bernie Sanders) to help talk Mr. Prump (Donald Trump) into saving the universe. The political allegory includes pressing issues that America is fighting about today, including illegal immigration and the refuge crisis, extreme capitalism / consumerism…. Mr. Prump was a projection of Donald Trump based on the TV show, The Apprentice. Part of the negotiations in the story occur in the only high rise on planet Shptiludrp (Shop Until You Drop), a giant shopping mall and the center of economic governance, now more easily identifiable as Trump Tower. There is no political advocacy in the story, other than sensitizing readers to the huge social problem of child maltreatment, but the allegory is much more obvious now that Donald Trump is a household name.
However, while there is a strong literary element, there is nothing preachy in the messages. Each of us must find our own truths in life. What one reader takes away from having read Rarity from the Hollow will likely be very different for another. I do hope that people think about the novel long after the last page has been turned.
What do you find most rewarding about writing?
The act of creation is reward in itself. However, I do believe that the most beautiful painting never hung is not truly art. Appreciation of one’s work is the most rewarding, since I was a child.
What do you find most challenging about writing?
Self-promotion and finding a balance between it and writing is the most challenging for me. I want to write, write, write, but, given my values on appreciation, I feel compelled to promote, promote, promote.
What ways can readers connect with you?
Purchase links:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/robert-eggleton/rarity-from-the-hollow/paperback/product-22910478.html
http://www.amazon.com/Rarity-Hollow-Robert-Eggleton-ebook/dp/B017REIA44
http://www.doghornpublishing.com/wordpress/books/rarity-from-the-hollow
Public Author Contacts:
http://www.lacydawnadventures.com
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/32993259-rarity-from-the-hollow
https://www.facebook.com/Lacy-Dawn-Adventures-573354432693864/
https://twitter.com/roberteggleton1
https://plus.google.com/b/108662084126982201049/108662084126982201049/posts
https://www.linkedin.com/in/robert-eggleton-909b154b?trk=nav_responsive_tab_profile_pic
FRIDAY SF & FANTASY – Rarity from the Hollow was originally published on the Wordpress version of The Pulp and Mystery Shelf
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After Hours - Chapter 8
Previous Chapter
Summary: Evelyn Monroe has been a TA for professor Laufeyson’s Calculus course for four months now. He was known to be quite strict, but that never deterred her from applying for the position in order to be close to the man she had been secretly pining for. One evening, she returns to his office after opening hours… and with her bountiful luck, she walks in on something not meant to be seen.
Chapters: 8/?
Words: 1600+
Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content, Smut
Tags: @milkymaidme @dangertoozmanykids101@alexakeyloveloki @little-moonbeam-666 @marvel-ous-fics@clovermariear@lynnesm@bitchyikes@moon-child-of-a-poet, @allthecraftandthings@bubblegumspitt @shockwavee @blondekel77 @nerd–nirvana @valdemarismynonbinarylove@nightrose64 @pastelhexmaniac @iistormii
If you’d like to be added, let me know. I’ve also posted this on AO3
________________
“Sir, I know it’s after hours but...but I just gotta talk to you bout’ this grade man.”
The voice of Andrès was extremely jarring to the pair within the room, the shock freezing them momentarily.
Cursing inwardly, ire overtook Loki’s eyes. Having been disturbed from finally ravishing his prize, he was none too pleased.
Evelyn, on the other hand, was extremely rattled by the interruption.
The knocking persisted - and the more it did, the more her anxiety grew. Her professor turned his head to glare daggers at the door, but made no move to relinquish his hold on Evelyn’s body.
Instead, he turned back around to kiss her with increased urgency, almost causing a startled squeak to leave her mouth. It seems no interruption would be able to stop a man on a mission.
“Hey! - someone’s at the door, what are you doin’?!” She whispered harshly against his mouth, actively attempting to ignore his hands now massaging her inner thighs.
“You locked the door, didn’t you?”
“Huh? Yeah, but -“
“ - Then all we have to do…” Evelyn whimpered against her will once she felt his fingers ghost across her clothed sex, his deep voice entering her ear in a sultry whisper, “Is pass the time until he leaves. Quietly.”
Her eyes widened at his suggestion. He wanted to continue doing naughty things to her, with someone just outside the door?
“Are...you being serious right now? Like, deadass?”
He narrowed his eyes, voice low and gravely, “Extremely.”
She felt as his hands went further beneath her dress, fingers teasing the waistband of her underwear, “If you tell me to stop, I’ll stop. Whatever you want, love.”
Evelyn knew damn well she should tell him to stop - the situation right now was extremely scandalous, much more scandalous than swiping overpriced goods from her college cafeteria.
She probably wouldn’t be able to look Andrès straight in the eyes after this, with the knowledge that she did indecent things with her teacher while he was right outside the door.
And yet, she felt the ache down below worsening, and the need for relief increasing.
Instead of answering, she decided to hide her face in his chest, too shy to reply. But Loki wasn’t having any of it, “ Unless I hear your sweet voice, my dear, I’ll assume you want to stop.”
Letting out a small sigh, Evelyn forced herself to look into his eyes, her dark skin flushed with embarrassment, “Yes…just…. just touch me, please.”
Loki grinned widely at her response, his gaze turning absolutely predatory, “As you wish, darling.”
Without further ado, he shifted her underwear in order for his fingers to access her warmth. Immediately, Evelyn jerked violently at the contact, her pussy extremely sensitive to his touch.
“Fuck, you’re so wet already…,” he panted against her ear, heavy neediness coating his voice, " How I wish to bury myself deep inside this little cunt of yours, my sweet Evelyn. But I'm afraid this will have to do for now."
Evelyn struggled to stay quiet as she squirmed ceaselessly in his hold, his thumb circling her clit firmly in a steady rhythm. On top of that, the salacious words that left her usually proper professor's mouth sent her over the edge, the presence of Andrès now long forgotten.
She had touched herself before when she was bored at night. But it had never felt this good. This intense.
In an active effort to keep her quiet, Loki opted to keep her mouth busy with his tongue.
Before long, muffled pants and groans were the only sounds that filled the room.
If Andrès was stupid enough to remain outside the door for that long, he definitely would’ve found that something was amiss.
While Loki’s fingers were busy teasing Evelyn’s cunt, his other hand sought her breast, massaging and squeezing the bountiful mound. She shuddered, gripping his shoulders tightly as he showered her body with affection.
She wondered, in the depths of her mind, if he would be satisfied with just this. Shouldn’t she be... touching him too? He was doing some wonderful things with his hands, and she wanted to contribute to his pleasure as well.
Evelyn slowly moved a hand from his shoulders, trailing to his chest, then his abdomen. She knew what his physique was like since she caught a glimpse of it that fateful day in his office, but feeling the hard muscles for herself was another thing entirely.
Loki was acutely aware of her fingers, the shyness of her touch. Her innocent exploration stiffened his cock beyond measure.
And then...her hand went lower to grasp said cock through his trousers.
He couldn't stifle the loud groan against her lips, bucking into her hands. Such a bold move from his supposedly shy student was rather unexpected.
Shocked at his reaction, she moved her hand away hastily," Shit - my bad! I didn't mean to hurt -"
He placed her hand firmly back to his erection, his hand covering hers, "You could never hurt me, little flower."
She raised her eyes from their joined hands to meet his hooded ones, blushing furiously at the next suggestion to leave her mouth.
"So...then, can...can I...like, feel you? Like, um, actually touch you...and stuff?"
She didn't know how to articulate eloquently that she wanted his cock in her hands, so that would have to do.
But she almost regretted asking when she felt him freeze visibly, pausing his ministrations. He stared at her for several seconds, his gaze intense beneath his lashes.
“Do you know...exactly what you’re asking for? You are under no obligation -”
“ - I...I want to. I’m sure. Since you’re touching me, that means I should get to touch you, right?”
He quirked a brow,“...You make a fair point. Well, since you so wish it,” He moved her hand away temporarily, unbuckling his belt while he held her gaze, “Then touch me you shall.”
In the next moment, his straining, leaking cock was finally released from the confines of his pants.
Her eyes went wide, unable to look away. She knew he was big. But to see it up close, she couldn’t help but fear for the future well-being of her pussy. She had seen plenty of dicks courtesy to a group chat with her friends, but never one quite so intimidating.
Any lick of confidence she previously held left her, and she found herself at a loss. Sensing this, he once again took her small hand in his own to guide it towards his cock, “It seems this will be our first...lesson together. Here, try holding me. Yes...yes...just like that,” he moved her hand firmly along his shaft, squeezing her hand so she knew to hold him with a firm grip. He hissed at the intense amount of pleasure brought forth from her inexperienced hands, his eyes closing in ecstasy.
Evelyn watched with rapture as both of their hands worked his cock - he felt so thick, so hot in her hands. She looked up to his face, and her heart stuttered once she saw his expression. His eyes were closed in stern concentration, uneven pants leaving his lips. She was seeing an entirely different side to the professor she admired for so long, and she couldn’t tear her eyes away from his face. His cock. She was bewitched.
Loki removed his hand from around hers, allowing Evelyn to freely stroke his length while he reverted his attention to her body. His lips went to attack her neck, and a hand went to her dripping heat once again. She was extremely wet, wetter than he anticipated, and that excited him to no end. While he was tempted to have his fingers inside her, his dick, to feel her soft walls surround him- he was aware that she probably wouldn’t be ready for such an intrusion. So instead, he focused once more on her clit, stimulating the nub in a way he knew brought absolute pleasure.
They gripped each other for dear life as they nipped, kissed, stroked and rubbed each other to the precipice.
Her wrist felt tired from working his cock without rest, but she couldn’t stop. Didn’t want to stop. She felt so good, and was even happier that he felt pleasure from her touch despite her lack of knowledge in what to do.
Before long, she felt a steady pressure building up as her professor continued to relentlessly circle her clit. The feeling itself was so overwhelming, she couldn’t help the words that tumbled from her mouth, “Professor... sir, oh fuck, Loki - something’s coming - it feels so good, please don’t stop, please don’t -“
It felt so good that she literally felt tears welling in her eyes. She wasn’t sure if that was normal, but she was too lost to care. Her professor’s voice, husky from exertion, entered her ears not long after the outburst, his heart leaping from his chest at hearing his name from her lips, “Are you going to come, sweet pet? Yes, come for me, we’ll come together, I...I won’t last much longer -“
Quite suddenly, her vision blanked. Her body jerked violently against his, momentarily losing control of her limbs as she lunged forward. Evelyn’s mouth hung open in silent euphoria, her eyes squeezed shut. Her body convulsed intensely, so much that she hit a leg quite hard against the desk because of the abrupt movement. To witness her climax so wildly, Loki lost all control. He came soon after, ropes of cum coating the hand and thighs of his little lover. It wouldn’t stop pumping for a while, to the point a pool of cum settled on the desk between her legs.
Loki had never released such a copious amount in a long time...it led him to wonder how long he’d been starved of this satisfaction.
He rested his forehead against hers, a happy, wide smile gracing his features. Because for the first time in 36 years, he felt extremely content with his life. He wouldn’t let Evelyn go, even if his life depended on it. She was now his, and no one else’s.
____________
A/N: So...ahem. This took longer than I thought, despite it being short, because I had to take several breaks while writing. I still get shy writing spicy scenes, because I’m always like “I can’t believe I’m writing this filthy shit.” I read it all the time, but actually writing it gets me blushing. Anyway, I’m going to start drafting the next chapter directly after I post this one, so the wait shouldn’t be as torturous.
#Loki Laufeyson#loki fanfiction#loki fanfic#tom hiddleston fanfiction#tom hiddleston fic#loki smut#loki fic#professor loki
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After hours- Chapter 5 A professor Loki Fanfic
Previous Chapter
Summary: Evelyn Monroe has been a TA for professor Laufeyson’s Calculus course for four months now. He was known to be quite strict, but that never deterred her from applying for the position in order to be close to the man she had been secretly pining for. One evening, she returns to his office after opening hours… and with her bountiful luck, she walks in on something not meant to be seen.
Chapters: 5/?
Words: 2100
Warnings: Explicit sexual content
Tags: @milkymaidme @dangertoozmanykids101@alexakeyloveloki @little-moonbeam-666 @marvel-ous-fics@clovermariear@lynnesm@bitchyikes@moon-child-of-a-poet, @allthecraftandthings@bubblegumspitt @shockwavee @blondekel77
If you’d like to be added, let me know. I’ve also posted this on AO3
________
“Oh lord...please say it ain’t so! Shit... shit!”
By this point, Evelyn was thoroughly convinced she was cursed with bad luck.
The night before, she made sure to set the alarm on her phone for 7 am - but upon waking up to see a glaring 9:35 on her phone, it was then that she discovered that everything had been set to silent.
The Monday lecture started promptly at 8:00 and ended at 10 am, so Evelyn jumped from her bed in a frenzy as she rushed to get ready.
Having showered late last night, all Evelyn had to do was to brush her teeth, fluff out her hair, then throw on the easiest things she could find - a sundress, jacket, and flats.
She had already painstakingly chosen an outfit before bed, but she dreaded having to wrestle on the jeans she picked out when she was already in such a rush.
Evelyn wouldn’t admit it outright, but she wanted to look nice, or substantially better than usual before she went to assist professor Laufeyson during his lecture.
She spent about half the night picking out a nice outfit she thought best suited her figure, and agonized over her hair. It was difficult to style most times because of its texture - so she washed it, then installed flexi-rods to give her curls renewed definition.
But as she rushed out the door and unto the side-walk, she realized that all of her efforts would've been laid to waste regardless as she eyed the dark clouds that loomed above her.
She had no time to run back inside for an umbrella, and she regretted her choice of wearing a dress almost immediately, especially with its short length.
Evelyn swore under her breath as she decided to just book it towards campus, hoping she could beat the rain before it started pouring.
The weather in New York had been agreeable for the most part, despite it being early April - but of all days, the spring rain decided to make its appearance.
The raindrops pelted against her skin and dress ruthlessly as she ran, and her purse provided meager protection against the droplets as she held it above her head.
By the time she finally reached the building, she was thoroughly soaked.
Not only was Evelyn disastrously late, but she looked as good as a drenched rat. Her dress clung to her form uncomfortably, hair wet and sinking to her shoulders.
Thankfully the dress was opaque in color so her panties remained unseen. However, the outlines were still plainly visible as the material stuck snug to her body...and her nipples looked as though they wanted to rob a bank with the way they shot out.
Stepping inside, she made her way to the lecture hall hurriedly, ignoring her wet appearance. Her heart hammered inside of her chest, anxious and fearful of Professor Laufeyson's reaction.
He expected her to be there to assist him. Thinking back to his email, he probably thought she no longer wanted to be his TA, when that was anything but the case.
She continued to berate herself all the way until she reached the door to his classroom, with nary a few minutes left until the lecture was over.
There were two entrances to the room, and she opted to enter through the back. She did not want to see the immediate disappointment in his eyes, so she tried to sneak in unnoticed and sulk in the corner until she could speak with him alone.
But Evelyn should've expected by now that things would never go her way, as all eyes in the room went to her direction - including the ones of her brooding professor.
At first glance, she thought she had seen disbelief, then relief fill his features, but it was quickly replaced with its usual stoic exterior.
The lecture hall was pin-drop silent as she averted her eyes from his gaze, scanning the room of its occupants as a hand clutched her jacket closed. She was surprised that mostly everyone in the room wore weary expressions - an odd sight to see whenever she helped out during his lectures in the past.
Despite it being math, and in the early hours at that, his students would still be fully engaged with the lesson from beginning to end. But now, they looked as if they were itching to leave their seats.
There was still around ten minutes left of the lecture, so Evelyn was taken aback when he decided to end it early, “I suppose everyone has done enough for today. Leave your quizzes face down on the desk, and our TA shall collect them. You may all go.”
She had never seen 50 or so students spring up so quickly from their seats at the same time.
Evelyn squished herself against the wall as a wave of students rushed past her to get to the door, leaving the room completely empty in a matter of minutes.
Woah, bad day today I guess…?
There were a few times Professor Laufeyson would get into one of his ‘moods’, and it seemed like today was one of those days. As for the cause, Evelyn was unsure.
He remained standing there at the bottom of the steps, arms crossed and leaning against the podium as he regarded her silently.
His quietness unsettled her as Evelyn awkwardly began to collect the quizzes, the patter of the rain against the windows and the squelch of her soaked flats making the majority of the noise in the room.
She slowly made her way down the steps, trembling due to both the chill in the air, and her nerves.
Evelyn did not know what to do with herself when she reached him, holding the stack of papers in an odd manner to prevent them from getting wet on her dress.
“Uhm... do you want me to just put them there, or...?” Evelyn gestured towards the desk beside the podium, cowering under his intense gaze.
He leaned off the podium to approach her quite suddenly, and Evelyn nearly fell backward in surprise as he got closer, “You are...wet.” His eyes left her own as they trailed down her figure to linger on her breasts, “No...you are positively drenched.”
Evelyn was now consciously aware of her jutting nipples through the wet fabric, and she shifted uncomfortably in a sly attempt to cover them with her jacket, “Yeah.. um- I’m... I’m sorry I’m so late, my alarm was silent, but I ran here as fast as I could… and the rain was -”
“I didn’t ask to hear an excuse, Evelyn.”
He took the papers from her fingers rather roughly, throwing them carelessly to a desk behind her.
Evelyn was startled. She knew he’d be mad, but not to this extent.
“I’m, uh… please just hear me out -”
“- I am not angry. You are here, are you not?” He slowly began to back her up against the desk, and Evelyn was thoroughly confused and concerned with the sudden turn of events.
He… he isn’t mad? And...but why the heck is he getting so close…!?
He was now so close to the point that he could wedge his legs between her own - and he did just that.
Evelyn’s eyes shot up quickly to meet his, filled with shock and disbelief. And then, her thoughts lost all comprehension when he began to idly play with a lock of her wet hair.
Ahhgkssksnhdiqfhioqgh!!!!!!
The way he looked right now...was an entirely different side of him she had yet to see. His eyes did not hold the coldness they usually carried, nor did he look kind. No...he looked as though he wanted to eat her whole. His fierce expression reminded her of that night. That predatory, animalistic look...
“I had thought.. that you no longer wanted to assist me, and that I would rarely see you, if ever,” his fingers left her hair to graze her cheek, “Yet here you are, and in this... state, no less..” His breathing picked up as he began to trace a finger down her neck, and to her collar bone, “Why must you make things so difficult for me?”
Evelyn struggled to stutter out a reply, “I.. I don’t know- I don’t mean to...to make things hard for you...I’ll try to be good for you from now on… and.. um.. uh... I’ll try to be on time...”
Perhaps it was the way she phrased her words, but it seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.
The poor girl was knocked off-kilter as he pressed her body against his in a suffocating embrace; His face began to burrow into her neck to inhale, kiss, nip, and suck with such force she could only yelp in pain.
His hands then roamed across her back to grip her bum, lifting her up to roughly place her on the desk as he moved further in-between her legs.
"Holy - ow! Prof - Professor Laufeyson, what... what are you! -"
" So much better… much better than I could have ever imagined…" was all he said, his voice choked to the brim with darkness and lust. It seemed as though he was deaf to the world as he continued his rough handling of her body, groping about wherever he could. Her legs were spread quite wide as he continued to rub against her, and Evelyn began to throb painfully down below due to his rough handling.
What..what...what...what?!
She had never felt such an uncomfortable, overwhelming sensation from her privates, so she weakly began to push against him in an attempt to stop his groping.
"Wait..please just...I don't know what - oh!" His hands went underneath her dress to grip her bare hips, shoving her roughly against the hardness protruding from his pants. He grinded relentlessly against her clothed center, causing her to release an embarrassingly strangled moan.
He mumbled into her neck with harsh, breathless pants, "You have not an inkling… of how long I've staved off the temptation of having you beneath me. Across my desk, and at the mercy of my cock."
Her eyes bulged out in stunned silence, her mouth open as she gripped his shoulders for dear life. She had no idea what was happening. She was so overwhelmed, that the familiar sensation of faint began to wash over her.
It was then that Evelyn truly began to panic.
" Stop stop stop stop STOP!!! Gonna faint, gonna faint, gonna faint!"
Fortunately, her panicked pants managed to break through his trance. The predatory look disappeared from his irises in a flash as he came back to himself, and he pushed away quickly from the trembling woman beneath him.
Evelyn looked as though she had been thoroughly ravished. Her chest heaved as the jacket slipped from her shoulders, the straps of her wet dress half way down just shy of revealing her perky nipples.
Her neck was marred with bruises - and her chocolate brown legs were still spread wide as she sat on the desk, open for display to his eyes.
Apparently, her dress wasn't the only thing that was now soaked.
The sight of her debauched appearance, and by his hands especially - would forever be etched into her professor's memory.
However, panic and fear began to rush into his heart as she scrambled from on top of the desk, fixing her dress before gripping her jacket closed with both hands.
"Uh..uh....I..I-I gotta go!" Evelyn bolted towards and through the door at breakneck speed, not giving him a chance to speak.
Watching her run away from him created deep-seated despair, and he wanted to yell in frustration for scaring the poor girl. He had gotten so excited, to see that she actually showed up, that he momentarily lost control of his senses.
Loki was sure that the chances of her reappearing to continue her services as his TA, were now zero to none.
He wouldn't even be able to settle for a substitute, having now had a taste of the real thing.
Loki ran a hand through his dark hair while considering his options, until he spotted something in his periphery.
In her haste, Evelyn had forgotten to take her purse that she had settled on a desk.
Seeing it, hope rekindled in his heart. She would surely pay a visit to his office later to collect her belongings, granting him another chance to speak with her.
With that thought in mind, he retrieved her purse, taking it to his office as he anticipated her arrival.
-----
A/N: Thank you so much for reading - as always, comments/suggestions are greatly appreciated, I love reading them way too much and I look forward to them every update! Now...I have some lukewarm news regarding the camping situation. Since my twin has a position that requires more training, she left for camp yesterday and informed me of a few things regarding the wifi situation there. There is absolutely no reception within the camp, with the exception of a few spots that do have wifi - such as the camp office, dining hall, etc. However, the walk to these spots is a bit... lengthy as it's practically in the woods.
But! We do have break times and a day off, so I have time dedicated to catch up on writing/uploading chapters, as well as working on some art. Being surrounded by nature also fosters inspiration, so things won't be all that bad! There's technically a no cellphone policy, but that's only during work hours. In basic terms, there's wifi - but I can only make use of it during select times when I'm not busy with work/training. On the bright side, google docs don't require internet, so I can write during the night, then upload as soon as I get time :p I can’t upload chapters with mobile for some reason on Tumblr, so I’ll have to see if they have computers there. If not, it would be on ao3 until I get to a computer.
#loki fanfiction#loki fanfic#tom hiddleston fanfiction#Loki Laufeyson#tom hiddleston fic#loki odinson#loki (marvel)#loki smut#Tom Hiddleston fandom#loki fic
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