#i wouldnt have been able to do anything
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A BLACK OUT/SLAM POEM based on the teletubbies (tv) tag on ao3
TRIGGER WARNING_MILK.
stray dogs literature clubs, the school for good and evil. ink sans angel—stranger things
horror sans guy—don’t hug me i’m scared. don’t hug me i’m scared, (don’t hug me i’m scared.)
free form plot twists. tragedy/comedy. alternate universe—high school. alternate universe—music.
the chaos unfolds each day, pristine, centuries ago, fight the many.
post divorce, living together, implied drug use, alcoholism. snippets from the end of the show, renunion, although it takes place a couple years before. we were the stars (but space was a void) by ponfarrpussyqueen.
corporate clash, bug, duck, the guardian pest, the prince, macarena, kissing, crack, as a joke, boys kissing, regret everything
underage julius caesar, emo napoleon, mating bond, tentacle dick, magic healing cock, holy water, holy roman empire, kissing in the rain, the battle of waterloo, a true story.
crossover, insanehappymealgiver, original character, original, simulator, mentioned, i’m at my limit, intentionally bad, wearing the other character’s skin, start praying because this sure ain’t holy, my dad went to get the milk because of this, sent to the void, put me in a coffin, rancid hope’s peak
we greet you with good luck and prosperity.
we love gay anal and lesbian smut and we hope you do too.
diminishing flame, not for kids, you’ll cry so hard you won’t have eyes, not sorry, commit a clarity, vaporized, freeform, sewer rat
2020 presidential election, spit as lube.
chaos bear, crack, crack, crack, has religious trauma, gay, gay, lesbian, lesbian sex, orgy, moist naked bodies rainbow is jesus, sex during tornado, this is NOT. finished.
there she was, in a new world. guess she’ll play the cards she’s dealt.
jesus confessed, sin shock, tears streaming down her face. “i fucked your sister.” crack. treated seriously, why did i write this. gay best friend—i can see that (i’m safe here.)
why did i write this!
crack. treated seriously.
slowly losing our sanity, we die.
crack, treated seriously. the moon of hope and the sun of despair LET IT GOOOOO LET IT GOOO.
crack, treated seriously, blue balls, orphan account
his little purse. what was once an inside joke is now taken seriously. crack. crack. fluff and crack. angst and crack. i am a man of my word, and i speak for the people.
a million other projects to complete
crack, crack, i dont know what’s going on, we’re idiots so we made this
it starts out all nice then it all goes downhill
satan, crack, this is a joke, please help me, please don’t hate me, i’m so sorry, i cannot think of anything else, please don’t read this. but. do, the author regrets nothing, the author regrets everything, why do i still exist? (discontinued, at least until further notice.) by even moderner prometheus
forbidden love, dead dove:do not eat.
so small in the midst of it all. rolling with the weird and unusual, traumatized teens to comfort, and an important decision to make
i came up with this, i will go down with this
i can’t believe i write this, why did i write this, i wrote this while listening to mother mother, sleep deprived, wrote this instead of sleeping, the guardian witnessed sex and is now scarred, touching, addiction, slut shaming
insufferable with apologies to all my followers, hell (literal), sewage
i got problems, so fucking random, pulled out of my ass, hard to explain, hard to word, each chapter will be posted, find me on wattpad,
near death experiences, major illness, declarations of love, love confessions, eating, marking, delay/denial, knotting, marking, mating bites, overstimulation, based on taylor swift songs, missing spleen
help me pleease, im scared, why did i write this?, just this really chill person who wants to take over the world, humanized teletubbies, my friend and i wrote this over the summer
you better not forgive me for this, im serious, vaginal fingering, a hushed voice, the contact making her shiver.
may your heart stay strong. torture, vomiting, blood and gore, self-indulgent, touch starved guardian, all characters are adults, electricity, suicidal thoughts, medical inaccuracies,
and yet… you lie again. i like noo-noo i hope he explodes, don’t show up
crack. i am so sorry. not in detail but it could’ve been so count your blessings
gods this can’t end well, good parent, to two children, bad parent, to the other one
IM SO SRRY BUT THIS WAS FOR THE GREATER GOOD, HAHA SUFFER,
attempt at humor, death, gore, i don’t even know, i’m so sorry, you have been warned, i posted this for my brother’s birthday
plague, companionship, through the fields we ran
it quickly turns into anti-demon propaganda
a play in one act, post-war, no sex, no killing
the prize of reading this is to meet god
help my poor soul this is a disgrace but it was my first fic so i refuse to orphan it, and the teletubbies followed
help, i was forced to write this and i’m sorry, i don’t even know what to call this monster, the southern pansy, aziphrale, the prince of hell, and the archangel gabriel
angst, satire, this is not serious, it’s meant to be funny
DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, IT WAS WRITTEN BY THREE HIGH THIRTEEN YEAR OLDS.
this is what you’ve been waiting for and hoping would never come
hearing voices, broken bones, emotional manipulation,
live, work, play, a simple life, protected, until a stranger comes.
i can’t give you a summary of the plot. that would ruin the story.
the eternal rioting continues as it always will (part one)
the eternal rioting continues as it always will (part seventeen.)
let me know if i forgot to tag anything!!
blame the painkillers. i blame the painkillers.
#so when i was a kid i once made fun of this person i met irl bc he would post like. all the gay tags n i thoufht it wasnt cool#like gay twink n like all of those things#just an endless paragraph of labels#i couldnt imagine posting that or wanting to be seen like that#i couldnt imagine wanting to be seen at all#i didnt say it to his face i just called it cringe to a friend and they rightfully called me out on it#why is that so funny to you? that he wants to be known? that he wants to reach out to his community?#i woke up one morning and saw that he had imed me in the middle of the night#i imed him back n didnt get a response n thought nothing of it#i wish i had been up that night#i wouldnt have been able to do anything#but every time we post something every time we tag something#we are looking fir connection#this is not the void#you are not screaming i to the void#people we see you#and i hope they hear you#bc what you have to say can be beautiful. even when its a joke#this is a joke. but it is also real to me#every one of these tags and titles is real#and a real person wrote them#they sat down and did that#n they wanted u to see them#everyone wants to be seen#and smiled at. n liked#and i hope someone likes you. i hope someone likes you enough to be awake at 3am#n i hope you like yourself enough to keep posting and tagging and trying so hard to be noticed#bc there is beauty in everything#even and especially you#where are those high thirteen year olds now
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been able to keep both my fear and hype about totk in check by watching nothing but elden ring videos for weeks but now i read something on accident and my anxiety is going through the roof again
#ganondoodles talks#pls nintendy#dont do this#it was only a sentence with no clear spoilers or anything#but by god its put fear in my heart again#pls let totk be its own game#id even be willing to spoil myself on some stuff just to know my fear isnt based on truth#i hate that i feel like this#even if im better able to stop panic attacks before they happen#i still feel so silly for feeling so strongly about a game and its lore#but no matter what i try i cant help it#its been my thing of comfort for so long i wouldnt know what else i would focus on if i were to lose it#and it would be so much work - years of work- basically wasted#plus i would feel so bad having made people be interested only to abandon it before its even really started#the only thing giving me comfort if this was the case is knowing id just post all lore -concept art -drafts and scripts#as a sort of -this is what i had been working on for all these years- so at least the people who cared could get an idea of it#and in the unlikely case that it would be liked by alot of people#i would keep working on it despite it making no sense anymore#im rambling on trying to calm myself down#sorry#gotta be exhausting reading my anxious ass tags over and over#;__;
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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed
my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.
and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.
anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,
I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me
im going by metro which is quite safe
im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18
she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)
anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm
so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?
anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".
and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.
#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play#till 10:30 at night#she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8#this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house#and now that my brother is in class 7#he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30#he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like#one sentence#yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke#up in the house its all my fault#this is just so damn unfair#like literally insulting#im not a child what is her problem#what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate?#i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present]#and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up#my whole life i've been told abar late?''#and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play#5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30#and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude#with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play#im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi#after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other#she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit#and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12#its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how#like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO#istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy#groceries#i can cycle
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trans fucking WIN today i am now legally daniel and a guy!
#i literally just got the email and im so god damn hype idk what to do with myself#bc i cant do anything without the certified copies!! which have to come in the mail!! which they said is gonna take like 2 weeks!!!!!#to anyone in texas worried they cant get it done: YOU CAN hit up trans legal aid clinic tx and theyll help you for free#once i start gettin money again im gonna donate to them bc of how much they helped i wouldnt have been able to do it without them#trans#transmasc
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#have been attempting to make a self-tape for this audition for DAYS#after a whole helluva lotta bullshit having to do with hunting down a time+space+camera to film with i Finally managed to get some takes#then some weird bullshit with the camera's sd card happened where i wasnt able to pull the files off onto my laptop#FINALLY able to copy the files to my laptop. FINALLY able to access playback (the video camera i borrowed wouldnt let me access its gallery#FINALLY watching them... they all kinda suck so far but thats Fine at least i Have Them yk#get to take 7 and its actually not nearly as terrible as the previous 6!! feelin pretty good abt this one!! dont get hopes too high ofc but#i mean hey this ones acceptable if the last few arent any good either & just in case i cant go thru with my plans for tmrw to do a reshoot#so yk i start to rename the file so i can tell which clip it is!#Whole Laptop Crashes#WAHOO#typed this up to avoid freakin out while carefully rebooting her. bbg dont do this to me#luckily i already saved multiple contingency copies just in case (bc ive already had so many issues i was feelin Extra Cautious)#so i at least dont have to worry about dealing with the sd card bullshit Again. ugh#EDITING TO SAY: SHE LIVES!! laptop is fine after powering back up & files are unscathed!! was able to retitle & keep on truckin no problem#god i hate dealing with video as a medium#*this* is why im a stage performer not a screen actor lmao#fuck this shit. juust gimme a floor and an audience and ill make it worrk#cameras are fickle creatures on-par with printer machines#im rly excitednervous abt this audition tho; only submitted my resume+headshot on a whim & didnt rly think anything would come of it#but they contacted me and asked for a tape!! so im like !!!!! okayy sure id love to send that !!! i just have to face The Horrors first#if i dont get it then thats not the end of the world or anyth; but itd be SO FUCKING COOL if my v first submission landed me my first gig!!#so uhh. pls put out a good thought to the universe for my self-tape landing me the chance to perform in this queer play festival !!#bee speaks#🤞🤞🤞
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[pained wailing emoji]
#.pdf#rd#THE REST OF THIS IS JSUT ME WHINING. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE#i dont wanna go to work ‼️‼️‼️ i feel like i am nearing a breaking point i am sofucking burnt out#every time i go to work. my brain gets Scary at me. stresses me out. dont like it ☹️#im supposedto be going in tonigjt but im dreading it sososo much#my work hour options have changed from “fully flexible” to “7am-9pm only” whcih yeah i know that doesnt sound that bad. but i have non-24#(circadian rhythm disorder that makes me sleep progressively later every day circling fully around the clock over ~3 weeks or so)#and bcos of it often i have to force myself out of bed in what my body thinks may as well be the middle of the night just to get to work#and then i dont ever get enough time to recover from that to actually let my sleep fall back into its natural schedule wjich is the only#time i feel properly rested. so essentially im chronically sleep deprived which is making me chronically stressed and way less productive#i just reslly really want to fucking save up a little money and just Not work for a week or two. bjt. with my sleep bullshit i cant really#work enough to be able to put anything aside. at all#so. kind of an unrealistic desire i guess. lol#ive been feeling like this ever since like early january when i was told i ahve to stick to a more normal schedule. & its only getting worse#idont know i just wishthere was something i could do that was fully flexible on timing but also doesnt havw the kind of workload that would-#-stress me out like basically anything with longer-term projects so ykmow Most flexible schedule jobs.#i do have one thing in mind i could do on my own but its dumb and probably wouldnt make much money and has startup costs i cant afford rn..
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When I've got so many games I should be playing cause the disks are on loan from a friend but hyperfixation brain doesn't want to do anything but listen to a dumb little podcast I've latched on to
#kee speaks#and one of them is the new spoderman game#ive been playing a ton of stardew valley cause thats a game you can listen to other stuff over top of#but all the other games i have on loan rn are story heavy so i wouldnt be able to listen to anything else#and my brain is the type where i cant really switch back and forth between stuff#like ffs brain let me do one thing for a bit and then switch to another thing for a bit in the same day#(i will be making a sideblog for this podcast interest cause its dragging me in deep and i wont clog this blog with it lol#i have a few blog urls saved already just need to decide which one to use)
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i hope that everyone is aware that i am trying SO HARD to be normal but the universe is TESTING ME.
#i am trying ao hard not to fall back into old habits rn but jesus CHRIST brooooooooo#i havent been able to get barely any time with the staff i need for the past two days and now#theyre like 40mins late with my meds bc of another tenant#and its not even like theyre WITH the other tenant rn btw there are two members of staff sat in the office just talking#and its like bro. BROOOOOOOO#like they know this shit is SO triggering and i know they cant help some stuff but i still feel like i should be able to get my meds on time#if they arent actively with another tenant#its such a small thing but it helps my brain remember that actually they do still care abt me lol#all ive wanted to do since like wednesday was just watch a movie with my fp now that we’re cool again#and i was waiting in the lounge for like an hour and no one even came in#and its not like we planned anything so im not mad or whatever im just frustrated that#i had a rlly shit night last night and a pretty shit day today#and there just isnt anyone around to talk to bc theyre all dealing with someone else#or not even just sat around talking or whatever#idk this shit makes me wanna punch things burn everything to the ground and then kill myself if im being totally honest rn#and like last night and this isnt my therapists fault or anything but ahe wasnt able to pick up#and i managed to get thru it but it just added to the feeling like no one gave a shit#and its past nine again so she probs wouldnt be able to pick up now even tho i kinda need help again#idk this shit just. its so fucking triggering and i feel insane and so tightly wound#and ive been putting so much effort into my stupid therapy and i just wanna let go and have a full on meltdown again#i wanna take a bunch of pills and scream and cry and throw things and argue and just LET GO#cuz i feel like thats my ‘true nature’ and everything else is just me faking#or masking#AND IM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT ITS SO MUCH EFFORT AND I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING NOTHING BACK
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yeah i can't come to class today, sorry. yeah. yeah. it's cause my hair's too long. mhm. gonna put me out of commission til the weekend at least
#fuck it's too long it's too long it's too long hate hate hate hate hate kill kill kill#i am resisting the urge to cut it all off with scissors but just barely#i havent been able to go home lately and my clippers are there. fUCKK#ITS TOO LONG SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE#i cant stop thinking about shaving my head again or at least cutting it short#it's summer i should have short hair summer is for short hair FUCKK THIS IS WEIRD#i feel like a sad stonermetal mushroom. in middle school. and NOT in a cool way if that wasnt clear!!#hhhhhhhhgnnnghfhn fuckk i feel so gross and weird#i didnt even do anything why are my spoons gone FUCKK. SHITITTTUJ DAMMIT#this is so dumb i literally skipped my second class for no reason and i have so mucj work but i didnt even do anything#i shoudktn be this out ofnit. euhhhhhghh#and i have a new friend and he really really wants to hang out and i dont hav.e the spoons#but i feel so bad.. and i have other ppl i wanna hang out with but i cant bring nyself to readh out#and even if they reached ouy i probably wouldnt be able to respond and i have to go see a show thid week too#bc theyre doing into the woods and i love that shit and i promised id go ans ive been lookign forward to it for months#but i cant. bwuhhhhhhhhghhhh#and i cant just tell the new friend i don't wanna hang out twice this week (one is the play) bc i blew him off all last week#i really dont wanna hurt his feelings but i really can't communicate like he wants me to. and ive kinda said that but still#mmmmmmnnnnuguhghh hes only doing it bc i mean a lot to him but it's moving so fast ans I can't really be there forbhim the way he probably#deserves.. i should probably eat skmething idk. eughhhhhhhhgghhghhggh. melting into a pile of slop and slurry rn#just gonna sink into my bed and not sleep and feel bad. hoorayy
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Just finished RWRB no one look at me
#just a mess of tears and snot#i know i'm late to the party#but i just need a minute#i knew it wouldnt be anything like the book i didnt expect it to be but thats the first book to film adaptation i've just been able to enjoy#i didn’t think i would when i saw major characters were missing but holy shit#i am in awe!! i am broken and i am whole and a little part of my queer self was just fixed#i don't have the words to do it justice and i've no doubt there are better ways but that was beautiful#i don't have another word for it every second was just beautiful it was funny & silly & tender & sweet & a little bit sexy & so so beautiful#if anyone needs me i'll be in the fetus position crying about this for the next 5-7 business days#red white and royal blue#rwrb movie#rwrb film
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i have to go get a pen
#NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I CANT DO IT I CANT DO IT I NEED TO ACTUALLY DO STUFF TOMORROW I CANT GIVE MYSELF ANY OTHER TASKS#nnndsffdnsfngffggee#listen ive been TRYING to do this stupid thing for over a week now i managed to sit down to it for like half a day a few days ago i did lik#half an hours work this is all i got man i cant do it AAAAAAAAA#it would be better if i just started but its so hard for some reason#i used up all my strength to do work i cant do it anymore i need to chill i need to laugh and have a good time#god i went to so many people with this and everyone says just force yourself sir i would have to force myself to force myself do you see ho#that would work?????? IT WOULDNT#idk man idkkkkk#some of this isnt even that hard to do i just have a mental block because the sole existence of this stupid assignment#brings up so much stress just from memory of it AAAUUUGHHHRRFDHFSDBGFGFDFGD#i just want to be free of this!!!!!!!!!!#but im literally finding anything to distract myself from thinking about it#dude theres no way ill be able to keep a job i will literally kill myself if they make me do anything i dont feel like doing#AAUURFHDSFDFS#this post evolved into something terrifying ok bye
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so for all that dont know the newest news about twitter, mr.manbaby mc dumbo is shutting down any "microservice" of twitter that he deems irrelevant with his oh so superior way of thinking which has lead to ..
.. 2FA not working properly anymore, meaning alot of people are getting locked out of their accounts completely.
#ganondoodles talks#twitter#i literally cant decide if i want to dare and attempt to download my twitter data and risk losing access altogether#or stay and cling to the spiders thread of hope that twitter is not going down fully soon#all of this is stressing me out so much i have barely been able to work on destiny#knowing that tumblr has been losing money for so long is making me rly afraid of losing it too#if that happens i might just die#literally whats gotten me through the worst phases of my depression has been the nice people on twitter and tumblr#i am not exaggerating#its like a life line getting cut in front of your eyes and you cant do anything again it#and yes i know that may sound unhealthy or whatever#but it is the way it is#i have no friends IRL#i have a few online friends that i met .. through twitter mainly#there is no one that supports my work IRL#its all online#my art is my life#without it reaching anyone theres nothing left#-draw for yourself- doesnt apply here#if i couldnt share my art with anyone if wouldnt draw#my core motivation is to share it
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its so hard looking for a psychologist rn cause im just scared of everyone. i look at their profiles and im like nnn nope that seems like ill have a bad time. im vilifying these poor people in my head
#ker talks#something is deeply wrong with me i can feel it rn#i wish someone could do this for me like idk my parents but ive always been the one to look for any mental help since i was in middle schoo#my dad was sort of the only one who tried to help and he no longer lives with me#my mom would always call him when i was having a mental breakdown and he helped a lot#its really funny that i lost all my mental health supports in the past two years#dad moved away#i broke up with my ex#my friend is unavaliable most times due to events and shit not their fault at all i love them to death#i think theyre like the only person im able to feel any sort of emotion about#and the past that's all im able to conjure emotion into#otherwise i really couldnt give a shit bout anything in the present right now if i died in my sleep i wouldnt care#i guess the only reason i care is that it'd fuck my friend up even more and thats it
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oh right the current state of yumenosaki as i've understood it is. yuzuru argued so they'd get something called "student council privileges", that some bright mind shortened to something that means "holy sword"
since next year is going to be a test to see if ES academies work, they implemented a system where students can text their complaints to the "holy sword" section on HoldHands. something like "the wallpaper is so ugly please change it", then an es representative answers "ok that will be 200000L$" and if the student can pay that money, the changes will be implemented
so tori, using his family's wealth and fine's influence as part of the big 3, paid to bring back the student council and the club activities (that were also going to be removed)
#and im p sure this holy sword thing was sorted out before the story even started#so yztr had a ''if only i had finished my explanation all of this wouldnt have happened'' moment i think. its kinda#because tori got mad at him and slapped him for being in favor of es academy#but yuzuru had been in favor of it as a means to be able to include this angle#and he had indeed achieved it before tori even got mad so yeah#but i guess he wouldve had to get mad anyways in order to accept it#something abt stages of grief#but still some of the conflict couldve been avoided if they had explained it all since the beginning for sure#anyways. i do not think this system is a good idea at all#i didnt rly understand How they filter the complaints or anything but like#not a good idea dude#enstars#mar's midnight rambles#posting this partly for my own organization ww
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hey! i saw some posts of yours about wilson's brother and i was wondering if you knew in which episodes he's mentioned? i vaguely remember bits and pieces but not much
really flattered that yr asking me. you have come to the right place. also you probably remember bits and pieces because he's only mentioned. three times <3 im just insane
anyway we discover he exists in 1x10, then he's pretty relevant to 5x17 (i love you the social contract) and then he's just Barely acknowledged in 5x19 (though that acknowledgement is insaaaaane to me like. wilson character thesis)
unless yr referring to wilsons other brother. well actually im pretty sure hes mentioned in 1x10 too. wilsons other brother does have it worse no more mentions no name no swag no nothing! sad
#my tinhat theory will forever be that if kal penn hadnt had to quit danny would have been a lot more relevant to S5's plot though ^_^#i do not think im forgetting anything. because i went thru the transcripts one million times back when i was working on the timeline but um#if for some reason i AM forgetting a danny mention pleaaaaase tell me. i wouldnt be able to live w that#inbox
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when you literally live in a world that wasnt made for you 😆🔫
#dont think im gonna get into grad school. dont know what the fuck else im going to do.#i dont want to fucking work i want to research. probably wouldnt even be able to find a job in my desired fields so what would i even be#fucking doing. and at that point how would i get there. bc i dont drive. and i dont want to fucking drive. i cant#it feels like im having a panic attack when i try. so gotta find a driving school. what if it doesnt work. what if it does. im driving to#work i dont wanna do. my friends are spread out and working and dont have any time to call. since i dont drive i dont get out of the house#except to grocery shop with my mom on weekends. i dont have anything productive to do but i cant even relax properly bc i feel like im in a#panopticon with my parents and i need to at least LOOK busy while i live in their house. so im just doing nothing all day but i want to#but i CANT!!!! and i cant even broach the subject of therapy or meds which i really think i need because like. my parents just dont fucking#believe in it or whatever. like ive really essentially told my dad i think i could be autistic and he hasnt been like oh should we find#help or anything hes just been like ok cool that surely has no repurcussions on your life#even as it was part of the fucking conversation why i dont want to drive#its just. its whatever. i feel so stuck but i dont want to move forward because moving forward just means going into a world where i have tl#work a job i probably hate and make hardly enough money to live in a shitty apartment because the economy and society are fucked#trying to experience the Wonders but i cant escape the Horrors. what the fuck ever ugh
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