#i wish i had just one true friend
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I'm so tired
#i wish i had real friends#i wish i had just one true friend#i wish bullies didn’t get their way all the time#how can one person ruin everything#it's not fair it's not fair its not fair its not fair#i wish i wasn't real#i wish cove holden was real i wish#i wish i had people who love me and care about me#i wish people would text me first because they actually care about me not because they want something#I'm so tired I'm so useless#why do i even bother trying to stand up for myself#this is why i try to stay quiet#this is why i should never fucking talk#everybody tried to tell me#shut up Alesia shut up alesia shut up alesia shut up!!!!!!!!#i hate myself so fucking much ahahaha#and it doesn’t fucking matter#because in the end it doesn’t even matter#anyway it's so convenient because if i just disappear its better because everyone is better off without me anyway#it's okay its okay#no one cares about me anyway#like genuinely i have no friends#its fine I'm fine it's not fair i hate i hate i hate i hate#i mean everyone leaves me anyway#i can't keep friends i cant keep anyones attention for long#i have to be funny so they're nice to me i hope theyre nice to me#i hope they don't think im annoying i hope they don’t yell at me#no it's okay i hate me too hahahahaha#ignore me lmao hahahahah lol
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everyone likes to tell me that real friends exist, the right people for me exist, i'll find them, I just have to look, keep trying. etc.
but no one tells me how, where to look, or how to know who "the right people" even are!
not to mention the fact that I'm getting too old to "make friends" because it's mainly expected of kids/teens to do that. older adults are supposed to have their people already. most adults my age already have their established friend groups that i'm not allowed to join. or they're all pairing off and prefer their partners over friends. or I just simply can't relate or bond with them because we have nothing in common.
#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#neurodivergent#adhd#audhd#autistic friendship#friendship problems#friends#the people who tell me these things never want to step up and try to be that person either so I mean 🤷♂️#they won't tell me how and where and won't be an example. like how am I supposed to know what a good friend looks like if I never had one?#how am I supposed to know what the “right people” look like and where they are!!#this has to be one of those secret things other people just naturally *know* that I don't. right?????#most others dont seem to have any problems with it and assume I can do it easily!#the older I get the more I lose hope i'll find ~my people~ or where I belong and true friends....#lee rambles#how cruel is this universe to make me want nothing more than to have solid and deep connections then deny me that#i wish to be able to accept that im meant to always be alone and embrace being a lonely as hell and learn to like it 🥲#most of my problems and mental anguish would magically disappear if i could convince my pathetic brain to accept that!
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realizing im a lesbian has genuinely been one of the most life-ruining things ive experienced so far :0(
i dont think i know any other lesbians
i am a baby dyke. who likes a baby dyke? apparently nobody. i dont seem to fit into ANY lesbian spaces because i'm green but how do i become not green without experience? apparently i need 10 years experience for an entry-level job :0(??
how... do i even find other lesbians irl? "gay bar" ok first off why would i ever go to a bar. also im pretty sure those dont exist where i live
do i love lesbians because i hate and am traumatized by men or do i love lesbians because im normal. only one answer actually makes me a lesbian
if im not lesbian what am i? :0( i dont want to Just be asexual, that doesnt Mean anything
lesbians are fucking scary. i used to follow 10 sapphic-centric blogs but.... theyre always talking about how horrible/annoying other lesbians are over discourse ive never heard of, meaning, im probably participating in it without knowing
oh yeah. that too. i know nothing about lesbians. and being a lesbian. apparently when you're a lesbian you have to know every single piece of sapphic literature and every lesbian of history or you're bad and stupid and dont deserve to be talked to
it really feels like being hetero is free and easy, like you dont have to think about it you just Love Someone, but being queer is hard and energy-consuming and you have no choice but to dedicate the rest of your life to learning and knowing every single piece of sapphic-centered discourse. it seems like being a lesbian has more to do with knowing facts about historic lesbianism than it has to do with loving another lesbian and i'm sooooo not interested in being queer for the sake of discourse i just want to kiss a lady or whatever but thats not allowed until i pass my lesbian exam that every other lesbian passed 20 years ago
idk. maybe all of this confusion means im not a lesbian. i think if i really was sapphic i'd know the answers to this stuff already, researching would be easy and enjoyable..... but the master lesbian google doc..... idk... it seems like being sapphic requires more than just "Girls Kinda Pretty" and that is awful to me. i dont want to spend 4 years in lesbian university studying lesbianism just to get my lesbian degree so i can kiss a girl. i want to just kiss a girl Now why do i need a masters degree?? why do i have to study and earn and prove my place in a society where i thought the bottom line was Kiss Girls And Chill
"community history is important" i agree but why do i need to know all of this shit First, Before i am a lesbian. why cant i kiss ladies and research at the same time. idfk. idk anymore. i just want to love my gf. why am i 22 trying to figure out my sexuality when everyone i know did it when we were 14, how is that fair to me?? im sorry for being a late bloomer i dont know what you want from me
#i think to other lesbians im always going to be That Bisexual who only dates men but never shuts up about loving women#but its deeper than that. those were longterm relationships. nobody i know irl was ever queer in a way where we could have a relationship#i dont know if im a lesbian but i know how nervous i get around a hot butch or a hot femme#i dont know if im a lesbian but i can describe to you every butch ive ever had a crush on#i dont know if im a lesbian but i think in grade 3 i was trying to impress that pretty girl for reasons beyond wanting to be friends#i dont know if im a lesbian but i am head over heels in love with my gf#i dont know i just dont know anymore i feel like a failure#everyone else had their sexyality figured out at 14 and im 22#i hated going to the gaystraight alliance at my high school because they would buly me for not being gay enough when the teacher wasnt there#maybe its true maybe they knew better than me that im faking it or something#but on more than one occassion in hs i had classmates beefing about my sexuality i wish i was making this up#ive been told i have a lesbian voice i have lesbian vibes but i dont know if thats true especially if my actual queer friends didnt see it#i feel like im failing myself and every queer person ever i feel like every other lesbian just hates me so much and im so sorry#not dog#personal#big feelings
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Still cant believe a fucking terf is in fallout fandom intecacting with trans creators and drawing her ugly stereotypical twink transmasc character. You should be ashamed
What is even happening to my inbox anymore. Idk if it's the same person that asked about Sharky or not, but it really makes me uncomfortable.
I don't know where the TERF stuff even come from, but I'm very open with my political views and yeah, I was a radfem in 2019 or something. I also was a very vulnerable sad russian teenager. I know not a lot of people on tumblr aware of all the intricacies of russian internet scene, but I assume you, anon, have some knowledge, because you called me a TERF in the first place.
There's an internet phenomenon called "alt-right pipeline" and I fell in the simular thing called "TERF pipeline". This shit is inevitable for every single afab person that speaks russian. It's a really big thing. I don't say it's an excuse to be a bigot, but I was 12 when i first touched the internet. I was insecure, very fucking poor and spiteful. Also I had and (still have) some hormone problems and was generally a pretty ugly girl so coped with it by drawing ponies and hating on elusive and mysterious "men in skirts" these smart twitter girlies always talked about.
To be perfectly honest, I genuinely don't understand what russian TERFs are fighting for or against, I was in this shit for solid few years and still have no idea. I mean, now it's illegal to be transgender in Russia (a real law), but it wasn't a win for these angry teenage girls, it was a win for genocidal bigoted russian government, the same one that legalized domestic violence (also a law. its officially not a real crime in this country). I went off the topic and started ranting about my frustrations with the government again FUCK 😭
I tried to say that russian internet is genuinely a fucked up place, but I lived in the middle of Siberia in a village, ideologically only had my orthodox grandma, racist older brother and TERFs on the internet. I only started to learn english a few years ago, so i didn't have enough options before that. Or, to better words, didn't have enough knowledge to be a better person.
I'm really really and sincerely fucking sorry for that. Like, truly. It was really fucked up and I'm ashamed of stuff I said and supported blindly. I now have resources and have some media literacy in my disposal and basic understanding of english to educate myself about the topics I'm talking about. I'm trying my hardest to show support and love to all my queer friends and mutuals, and as an artist I do all I can to be inclusive, not because I feel the need to, but because I want to.
I have no right to speak about trans people and their issues and I won't. I don't know if Sharky is as bad as anon described, because I'm biased (this is my character after all) and not educated enough to acknowledge all the stereotypes associated with transmasculinity. I would really enjoy to hear opinions of my fellow transmen. To address some of my choices regarding his design and writing:
- He wears pink, because it's a quirky color that doesn't show up much in Fallout. Never meant to de-masculate him or to ridicule him. It's my favorite color, after red and brown, which are the primary colors of Wendy.
- He has a silly personality and a carefree attitude because 1) I'm projecting and 2) Wendy needed a character to balance out her awkward and moody autism
- He's a girl's boy and has wives. I didn't have the reason to make him not like girls. I wanted him to be an example of positive masculinity and solidarity. He is a straight dude who loves women. Not just sexually attracted to them or sees them as pets. They are his partners. With their own personalities and lives. Also I wanted to make a full circle 😭😭😭 I'm asexual and bi-romantic. I like boys, girls, all between and beyond boys and girls and don't really think sex is a big thing for me. Aletus likes boys, Sharky likes girls and Wendy likes when there's no sex. Pretty simple, I think.
Hope this explains why Sharky is the way he is. Would still really appreciate an opinion from a trans person. Or any kind of feedback really, because I've been feeling really fucking bad lately and can't objectively reflect on my choices. Also more questions about my OCs are very much welcome. There's a lot of stuff that made me feel like I've been misiforming people, including this anonymous message, and I will specify anything you want to know. Thank you all a lot.
#at least i got this little rant of my chest#but i dont know anymore#ive been feeling shameful for a lot of my posts here lately#i feel like no one really wants to see me post stupid ass oc sketches for another gajilliomillionth time this week#i know its not true but im angry at myself that i just cant draw shit anymore#considered taking a break but what will i do bruh#in moments like these i truly fucking wish i had friends#<- cringe emo shit I prohibited myself from saying
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You sent me an ask so I shall return the favor! What is the most recent Kpop group you’ve gotten into and how did you find out about them? I always love hearing fan “origin stories” lol
Thank you for returning the favor~ That would be The Boyz 🥰💖 I love hearing fan "origin stories" too hehe (This is gonna get long I love them sm)
Anyways I've known about them since debut? I loved Bloom Bloom Pow with my whole heart when it came out and tried to fall for them then- It didn't work. The next time was when The Stealer (TS) came out~ I had watched them perform for Road to Kingdom- because ptg was on the show too- But I really loved TS cb- sm so that I bought the album about 6 mos later with my favorite members as inclusions at the time (Eric, Kevin and Hyunjae). But nothing came about of it even after watching the weekly idol episodes... Then came Whisper era and I ended up biasing Changmin (Q) and loving that song but again nothing came out of it.
(A little backstory is that Changkyun (I.M) got me into Dominic Fike's music-) Thus, when tiktok showed me Juyeon, Changmin, and Sunwoo dancing to Babydoll earlier this year as a dance cover: I fell. And then I finally checked out Watch It~ But Hui had his solo and it distracted me completely from falling further. Then I had gotten sick and decided 'well, what if I watch their content?' And I did... I watched their hello82 interview and their reaction to fanart of them, and lastly their mafia dance. And I loved each sm that I decided to check out more.
It was the first time I had watched their content and wanted to see more. And now, I watch their content almost daily. It's kind of like they revived the joy of kpop for me? My (old) ult of ults has been on hiatus due to the military so it's been stagnant content lately for me. But then they came in like a breath of fresh air- and I simply can't get enough. This month will be 3 mos and I honestly hope I'll follow them for a long time. (I think they're my new ult of ults tbh)
And lastly now here I am as a Younghoon and Juyeon bias (with bias wrecker: Changmin... he's doing everything to be bias again). And with them having a comeback I loved with my whole heart this past month, I think it really solidified them with me. Honestly, I'm so happy with them.
#my 'fan origin story' hehe#lovely mutuals#asks#kate rambles from here#i even started a new kpop journal just dedicated to them and my thoughts- it's a 200 page journal and i have nearly 50 pages about them#and i started it in february ebhbha-#it's so funny because i saw one of my ults' concerts in theater the month before they should have became the ult of ults and here tbz comes#if the theory is true that you fall in love with certain people/groups/things at certain time then that means even when#i wanted to fall in love with them- that i had to wait until now to fall for them even if i wanted to fast forward it- i think now is a#perfect time- it's when i need them most i think- and fuck i could go on about them forever and why they mean sm to me in such little#time but oh how i love these guys-#no seriously everything i wish they could do- i find out they've done or will do- or for like pcs i like them a certain way and by golly#does yh do my favorite poses- and their music is just ?!?! i love it sm- ofc i've listened to them before a lot but ?? it's my speed rn#kate rambles#did i drag my close friend into them too? yes- yes I did- but she had full free will- she could have stayed on the happy mbb boat instead#of jumping into the water and swimming to lip gloss island with me- but alas she didn't so it's even more fun cause i get to be a new#deobi with her- and it's literally the best experiance i could have ever asked for- she prolly won't see these (i'm banking on it) and#honestly i'm so thankful for her- for joining me in this 'insanity' we've gotten ourselves into- i'm glad we were both stolen from our mbb#home together- it's sm fun to talk about tbz with her- because she's experiencing them new just like i am- i could go on here too#but i won't- so i'll stop here- i love these boyz sm tbh (every time i say it even if it's a lot- it doesn't feel enough)
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poäng appreciation post 💛
#i forget if i said but Baby Sister and i stopped off at ikea on the way back from picking her up at the bus stop on monday#and finally replaced the ruined-by-a-succession-of-cats-(in-ways-both-unsightly-and-gross) Accent Chair in the living room#with a poäng rocker (bc the shape is a little more interesting and less instantly recognizable than the regular chair) in birch (my beloved#also they make fancy tufted cushions for it now! wish they came in more colors but it's a real improvement on sad options past#and anyway it's like. now you can actually sit here in the morning and look out the window at the extremely beautiful view#and the chair actually supports you??? like i could see down the road trying to work out some kind of custom cushioning that's thicker#but the shape of the frame is so ergonomic for me that it's genuinely quite comfortable regardless. bentwood exocorset…#anyway. not a very original post but i just DO really love ikea#like yes it's a mixed bag but also honestly if you're buying particle board—#(i was going to say 'and expecting it to hold up' but. honestly i think it's just. if you're buying particle board period)#—that might be on you.#(like. if you're being pressed in from all sides by budget constraints and immediate need and no accessible better-made used alternatives—#obviously you do what you have to. but it's like buying pleather—you know‚ or should‚ that the material is going to disintegrate.)#but the things ikea makes with decent materials are remarkably well-designed and affordable for what they are‚ has been my sense?#you just gotta shop carefully but like. that's true literally everywhere.#anyway. in conclusion i love my new buddy with its clean lines. …do people name chairs ever.#i've never before had the urge but this one feels like a little assembly-line friend that deserves its own identity. like a star wars clone#(lol what if i gave it a little nametag somewhere hidden. secret identity talisman 4 chairpal.)#(& yes i promise i'm as aware of the‚ uh‚ itself-ness of this tag spiral as you are. :) )#domesticities
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I hate luck i found a thing to be in a fic and i want to read it i need to read bUT I CAN'T FIND ONE LIKE THAT LIKE IS IT SO HARD TO FIND A PLATONIC STOBIN CANON REWRITE WGERE THEY BECOME FRIENDS IN HIGh SCHOOL AND STEVE STOPS BEING ASSHOLE SO MUCH SOONER???????? cries
#fanfiction#platonic stobin#canon rewrite#why just why#that moment when you want a fic with particular trope/tags/plot/etc and you cAN'T FIND IT#it hurts so bad#my friend wished me on my birthday to find all the fics i want#its not coming true ://#if i had 3 wishes from a genie that would be my one wish#to always find a fic i want
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#i am actually the worst person alive every now and then the weight of all the guilt and grief and humiliation really hits me#i am not liked at all and i keep eroding all of my remaining relationships and i have fucked up my life beyond repair and i am#truly never getting out of this cycle no matter what meds i take at what dosage or if i talk out my feelings or if i keep them inside#or if i get therapy or if i dont if i have friends if i dont if my family likes me if they dont if my dog is alive or if hes dead its just#me theres something broken in me no matter how hard i believe and try and hope and pray i just wont get better i always end up here#i have consistently been the worst most absent friend i have ruined everything ive touched i feel contagious im contagious#i cant expect people to keep loving me and i definitely cant expect them to keep saying it over and over when it isnt true and they dont#want to and people dont even ask if im alright anymore they already know im not and just dont care because how could they#i dont get better it would just weigh on them all the time and how fair is that really i wish no one had ever met me i wish i wish#i betray all my promises to myself and others and im so stupid im so dumb and i just. theres nothing at all in here#i cant stand the loneliness anymore but i dont deserve anything else. do you see#and its my fault people no longer care its all my fault im so alone. i feel so alone. no one can know me and love me and they will all#be fine they have everyone they need they have everyone they want. i am no one at all not even to myself#theres an abyss where my personhood should be#i have to leave i have to get out of here
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I kinda miss hanging out with old people. All my friends used to be old people.
But the older I grow, and the more I'm expected to behave well like a normal adult, the harder I find it to keep those links. I'm lost between trying to stick to a script I don't know the words of to have a proper normal and interesting relationship for them, and allowing myself to screw up a little, be boring, be interested in stuff they aren't, having opinions they don't agree with (for silly stuff like music, though yk me), not be cool. Cause the latter stresses me out. Cause I see no reason for people to want to be friends with me if not that.
#also defining your relationship to old people who already have a well established family is hard when growing up#cause they were just my friends at first#and they helped me find a safe space#and they were like a chosen family#and then their adopted daughter hated me cause they had a friend that was her age and it messed up with me#now i feel so stressed out about it. i feel so stressed that i am taking space i shouldn't. that i am making their other friends and#family that have been there for far longer uncomfortable with just my presence#and i know i was just a depressed teen and very sensitive to this shit and people keep saying that it reveals more about the other person#than you (as it's not the first time i was left to deal with people's opinion of me FOR THEM)#but it just felt like i wasn't allowed to express my discomfort and i just had to swallow the way their reaction to their emotions impacted#me and handle it on my own#and I think I'm still hurting from it#cause I got no support#i'm just asked to sit there and take it and act as if it meant nothing#...ngl saying it writing it stating it feels good because i've held onto that for years and years and I couldn't say it#i wasn't allowed to#even my psychiatrist (when I had one) told me it was nothing and to ignore it#I just wish people could say that yes it's not okay. that i'm allowed to feel how i feel. i wish people would recognize and understand#what i mean when i say that.#cause what is it worth when i'm the only one saying it to me and the only one agreeing that it's true#i hate that i need people to agree and make their agreement vocal to help heal that inner child that was always told to push it down#cause what else ?#sometimes I wish I could see young Leska cause I know I'd be among the only ones to give em a hug#I just want to take them in my arms and tell them that it'll get better. That we're not out yet we still need to fight but we will#eventually#hopefully
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I just think it would be fun to make Raven Beak smooch Samus' other dads.
#adam malkovich#raven beak#chozo#the spirit of Grey Voice watches her zoom off to ZDR and he's like “oh... i haven't seen him since nineteen odd-seven...”#“we kind of left things off on a sour note. i wish i'd had an opportunity to let him know how much our blood-bond meant to me”#and then later he's like “ohhh I *really* should have made more of an effort to maintain that bond huh”#Adam reads the details of her mission and he says “oh. we're going to ZDR huh.”#“yeah. ring any bells?”#“you see Samus. not long after i made rank i had a... very special friend. that occasionally mentioned a planet of this description"#at the end of the road she makes a break for it as the planet dies and Adam says “so... did you by any chance come to meet one Raven Beak”#“yeah he got got by the X.” “damn.”#“did you at least get to see him before the end?” “yeah he was apparently one of my genetic contributors” “he WHAT”#“No that can't be true. tell me you're kidding.” “I'm not joshing you.“ ”Samus.“ ”Yeah?“ “You're never gonna believe this.” “Spit it out.”#“I fucked your dad”#time is a circle and her web of relationships is a big scribbled mess. the eternal comedy. the universe really is small.#missed connections here and there#he just weeps softly in binary.#adambeak#not serious about shipping. but if i see two old people and decide someone could write something fun with them i slap them together#adam is not “old”. but dealing with Samus probably took a decade off his lifespan so he counts by extension#this pairing is based off of how Adam hypes Raven Beak up throughout the duration of the video game.#I know [spoilers]. but it's fun this way.#someone had to put them in the same room.
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Oh hello 3am existential crisis. Haven't seen you around in a while...can't say I missed you.
#i don't understand how i can feel so alone and so isolated while also having a number of good friends#all of whom im a little in love with in different ways#how can you love so many people so much and still feel lonely?#is it because of all my friends only one is in brickspace and i rarely even get to see her?#i know my lack of physical contact is rather alarming (i get one or two hugs a month if I'm lucky.)#(and even casual non accidental touches are rare. i get maybe one of those a week.)#is that why i feel so alone and isolated? the lack of physical connection?#i wish i had a friend i could move in with. i wish loving people didn't hurt so much.#i wish i could believe the sentiment that all relationships are important and that platonic love isn't lesser than romantic just different#but ive yet to actually see that be true. i feel like ill never be someone's most important person. or even 6th most important.#im just so fucking tired#of everything.#is it me? am i off putting? do i do things unintentionally that keep people at a distance? what am i doing wrong? why can't I connect?#i KNOW im not broken for being autistic or ace or aro etc etc but fuck if I don't feel broken most of the time#fucking hell#definitely time for bed#i bet these feelings are being exacerbated by pmdd just like my fibro and my stomach and my sleep#doesn't make the feelings any less upsetting#fox thoughts#☉
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ngl i actually quite like the black rose arc
#yeahhh its probably one of the weaker arcs but even aside from how ppl call it ''pointless filler'' (not true)#i personally had a lot of fun with it#again wakaba flourishing is genuinely a fantastic episode all around but idk. i like it when side characters get to have the spotlight#even the eps that feel less connected still feel great for the meta of the overall show and its story#like how touga doesnt actually have anyone who is genuinely close to him- the only ones who could count are other duelists#so they have to REALLY stretch the line and have one of nanami's previously one dimensional lackeys take his sword#and while doing so they also show how nanami's friends arent even her friends. they just use each other and hate each other#so its also a great nanami episode#the one who i wish got more time is kanae but at the same time i do get why she faded into the background#bc akio's degraded her so much that she loses more and more of herself over time...#idk if ive ever said this but man. i like kanae. her story in the show is really fucked up and tragic too#i like to think after the finale that nanami or someone helped her leave akio and ohtori... even if shes fully under his control#so was anthy and she still got out. so i wanna think theres hope for kanae#echoed voice
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the eternal question: is scheduling w friends as an adult That Hard or am I just bad at it
#4 different people have left me on read today; 1 cancelled our plans 4 hours before we were due to meet#I've been sitting home alone for 2 days going insane. looking forward to One (1) coffee date & that fell through#idk why I'm taking it so hard this time I'm usually fine!! but I find myself wishing I didn't have the day off I wish I did have work :(#like it's tiring yeah but it beats sitting here not knowing what to do w myself#& I'm working all weekend & only leaving the house to see the doctor. oh joy#I've been productive ironing writing fixing the car. that's not the problem#I had 4 social plans this month. that's it#that's like seeing each friend once a month!! I can't keep this up!!#is this the norm for adulthood? :(#& on one level I don't want to bother people or be clingy#but on another level I'm baffled that they don't get lonely too#the news has not shut up abt the Loneliness Epidemic since 2021#but if it's true why do so many people take so long to reply when I reach out? if they reply at all#I'm not going anywhere w this. idk#just one of those days#everything so fuck everybody suck :(#boomers got it right w the whole showing up unannounced at people's houses for a social call with a pound cake#now I have to go through 5 layers of bureaucratic bullshit to see a friend#assuming they don't cancel the day of ofc (((((:#I just wanna be like hello knock knock I am here. tell me abt yr life today & listen to mine & eat this cake#& the worst is when people are like 'I'm cancelling bc I'm tired xx'#OK A) u knew we had these plans for two weeks#but B) I'm tired too! I still love u ur still my friend! let us be tired together!#'I won't be social today I'm tired' my love we could watch movies in silence we could knit we could ball yr socks. idc#'I have to do the big shop today sorry' so do I!!! let us do the groceries together!!!#every time I've pushed someone to come out when they felt depressed or to let me accompany them when they were doing chores#they were like u know what I'm so glad u did this. thank u. this is way better than how I had planned this night to go#& I'm like any time!! I love u!!#& then it just happens all over again next time oh sorry I'm cancelling I'm busy I'm tired#like did u forget what a nice time we had last time? what changed? :(
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sonic prime so cool ............
#cherryz txt#me shaking netflix WHERES the rest of it!!!!!!!!! (in due time. hopefully.)#i hate u streaming services and ur power to kill the things i love....................#sonic#sonic prime spoilers#<- in the following tags. be wary .#sonic and shadows interactions have been so delightful . i wish sega let shadow have friends and like Feelings#sonics writing overall has been very good . very people-focused trying to save everyone he can but just#very ahead of himself and how that lack of forethought causes so many of the conflicts for him#very inline for yknow . fastest hedgehog around.#REALLY enjoy seeing him look like a sad wet puppy when shit goes to fuck . boy just wants to go home!!!!!!!!!#i do wonder if something insane will happen if all the shatterversions of characters congregate#like . we didnt See thorn interact directly with rusty or black rose. just that the latter 2 saw her and were like Woah...................#also . i love u nine . baby son . he wanted to show sonic his lil grim home so bad and then sonic wasnt into his idea and im SADDD#HE HAD LIL PALM TREES!!!!!!!!! WAHH.............#the way nine talks about what might happen to him after the prism is in 1 piece in ghost hill makes me wonder also#the shatterspaces are implied to essentially be the product of original green hill being torn to bits .#so one would assume thats true for the characters in them yea? so does nine think he might get 'absorbed' into og tails?#theres always been a vibe to me that all the shatterversions of the cast are essentially like . distinct aspects of their whole characters#in some way anyhow . like a pirate for knuckles makes sense as a kind of manifestation of his focus on like#defending the master emerald . in a world Without the master emerald hes essentially crazy for any replacement he can get?#so its interesting to think that nine could in a similar vein be like tails' resentment of being Just a wingman#and the frustration of being picked on as a babby . and how that might tie into a feeling of like#'i would be nothing without sonic' bcus sonic was the one to stand up for him back then right?#INTERESTING. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! idk if any of tihs holds any water im just brain vomitting at this point but WAHHH#obviously all the shatterversions are and wish to be seen as their own individual people but like. NARRATIVELY speaking#u know?????? u understand. ive decided this for u the person reading this You Understand.
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I feel bad blocking my friend on this blog. but she can't see this anymore.
#vents 🌧️#tw sui#I just. god I'm a bad friend aren't I.#she's venting to me about how she wishes she had a partner and how she just wants to be loved#and I get it. I really do. and I'm telling her that I love her and that I'm here for her#but where was she when I fucking needed her.#today my dad said that he doesn't care about my life. he knows how bad my depression is. he knows I've been really suicidal.#and he screamed it so loud. there's no way he thought I couldn't hear#that's not something you say about your fucking suicidal child when you know they're in earshot#maybe it's better this way. I won't have to question whether he cares if I live or die#I can never go back to normal after this. I am going to spend the rest of my life carrying this around#I just wish someone would use gentle words and tell me that everything will be okay. like I try so fucking hard to do for everybody else#oneka always said 'you can't pour from an empty cup' and I'm so close to running out. one day I'm going to stop being able to do anything#because the people I pour to most will never fucking fill my cup.#I'm probably saying things that aren't true#but I'm hurting so much#and I can't fucking SAY 'oh yeah my dad said he doesn't care if I die' to anybody. so I have to say it here#I'm sorry. I'm so sorry#I know things are going to get much worse soon.#I'm just a kid. do I really deserve this?#tw suicide
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I just need to get better at remembering that I have so many wonderful friends who love me and want me in their lives who I also love and want in my life which is easier said than done because even with all the reassurance in the world it’s easy to think it’s not true or dwell on past failed relationships as like being indicative of my current ones
#deity dialogue#my past relationships aren’t my current ones it’s just hard to believe#I think it’s especially because my ex best friend (who I hold no ill will against I genuinely wish them the best) and I had our friendship#end not so greatly also like. I’m glad the relationship ended because it was unhealthy for the both of us n all but like that amongst other#failed relationships including the ones I ended myself just make me scared that I’m the problem and unfit to be in relationships and to be#wanted and loved#I feel like i ask too much and expect too much and just overall am too mcuh#but I also feel like im not enough and could do more and if I did more if I wasn’t so bad at this that my relaitonships wouldn’t end and I#wouldn’t get hurt again but idk maybe there’s just only so much I can do without hurting myself more in the process and also accidentally#hurting others#it just sucks#I want to feel happy and secure in all my relationships and for my friends to feel the same way but I don’t know if anyone does.#I feel like some realtionships are failing or simply already quietly failed and it’s my fault and I don’t know what to do#and it makes me genuinely so sad and idk how to make it stop#I’ve discussed how I feel with a few friends but unfortunately there’s only so much any of us can do#I’m just trying to focus on like being happy and a good friend as best as I can and I can only hope that my friends feel like I am a good#friend#I feel like whenever I get told nice stuff by my friends that it’s like. not true or that I’ve manipulated them to feel that way.
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