#and they helped me find a safe space
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I kinda miss hanging out with old people. All my friends used to be old people.
But the older I grow, and the more I'm expected to behave well like a normal adult, the harder I find it to keep those links. I'm lost between trying to stick to a script I don't know the words of to have a proper normal and interesting relationship for them, and allowing myself to screw up a little, be boring, be interested in stuff they aren't, having opinions they don't agree with (for silly stuff like music, though yk me), not be cool. Cause the latter stresses me out. Cause I see no reason for people to want to be friends with me if not that.
#also defining your relationship to old people who already have a well established family is hard when growing up#cause they were just my friends at first#and they helped me find a safe space#and they were like a chosen family#and then their adopted daughter hated me cause they had a friend that was her age and it messed up with me#now i feel so stressed out about it. i feel so stressed that i am taking space i shouldn't. that i am making their other friends and#family that have been there for far longer uncomfortable with just my presence#and i know i was just a depressed teen and very sensitive to this shit and people keep saying that it reveals more about the other person#than you (as it's not the first time i was left to deal with people's opinion of me FOR THEM)#but it just felt like i wasn't allowed to express my discomfort and i just had to swallow the way their reaction to their emotions impacted#me and handle it on my own#and I think I'm still hurting from it#cause I got no support#i'm just asked to sit there and take it and act as if it meant nothing#...ngl saying it writing it stating it feels good because i've held onto that for years and years and I couldn't say it#i wasn't allowed to#even my psychiatrist (when I had one) told me it was nothing and to ignore it#I just wish people could say that yes it's not okay. that i'm allowed to feel how i feel. i wish people would recognize and understand#what i mean when i say that.#cause what is it worth when i'm the only one saying it to me and the only one agreeing that it's true#i hate that i need people to agree and make their agreement vocal to help heal that inner child that was always told to push it down#cause what else ?#sometimes I wish I could see young Leska cause I know I'd be among the only ones to give em a hug#I just want to take them in my arms and tell them that it'll get better. That we're not out yet we still need to fight but we will#eventually#hopefully
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there’s been many times in the last few years when army was so divided i thought we’d never recover but none of those times hold a candle to what’s going on right now. genuinely there’s no coming back from the way these anti-boycott, anti-DOING-FUCKING-ANYTHING armys have been acting
#they dont lift a finger to help but accuse pro-boycott armys of being ‘useless’ even tho bds korea literally endorses the hybe boycott#there are so many ways to support the cause by sending emails trending hashtags sharing fundraisers sharing any information at all#if it was just not wanting to boycott bts’s music i completely understand that it’s your choice and its very low on the priority list anyway#but these ppl are harassing palestinian and pro-palestinian armys. reporting their accounts. reporting their online stores. doxxing them.#starting massive hate trains against them. accusing them of being antis trying to ‘infiltrate’ ‘real’ army spaces.#when they are just palestinian/pro-palestinian armys trying to find a safe space for themselves and being continually pushed out#and it makes me fucking sick to my stomach to see what this fandom has become#how is any of this real. how do these people claim to love bts when they’re so passionately against everything bts have ever stood for#twt is the only place to get real info and updates on the boycott but im so quickly reminded of why i left twt in the first place#aeron.txt
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I still mask because I can't avert my eyes from the obvious signs that it has never gone away since 2020. Like, I'm often not even good at noticing subtlety IRL, but these signs are not hard to find. People are in denial.
AND I still avoid eating in restaurants because eating is the one thing you have to take off your mask for, and I am not doing that in some indoor and enclosed environment where hundreds if not thousands of people have been unmasked that day alone.
Also just... thank you so much for making this blog ^^;;
😷
#i feel this so so much.#people really are in denial and believe they're exempt from reality#frustrating and infuriating feel like understatements at this point.#and i too don't feel comfortable eating indoors at aaallll.#i would need to be the only person in the restaurant in order for me to feel comfortable with that. and even then are the employees masking#if I'm not at home i 100% prefer to eat somewhere as isolated as possible.#ideally somewhere with a comfortable view and lots of nature around me to add a layer of safety and ease.#during this course im taking I've been enjoying my lunch at a street pier and finding some ease with watching the view of the river & plant#it's the little things that help.#also of course!!! I'm so so glad this blog is serving as a safe space for people! :)#fr I'm really happy to hear you're appreciating it ty for letting me know ^_^#thank you for sharing 😷💛#covid#i still mask because#covid isn't over#covid is airborne#covid pandemic#covid awareness#ask queue
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.Magenta.
#in a nut shell...#my whole team betrayed me minus 2#i was told and swore up and down that my absences related to disability were not an issue#come to find out that wasn't the case#there was resentment and everyone did a damn good job putting on an act and masking#i cannot begin to describe the kind of betrayal i am feeling#i believe in being transparent especially if you're part of a team of people who help others with mental health issues#i expressed many times that if my conditon caused inconvenience or problems then approach me and we can navigate around it together#i worked with these people for over 10 months and no one said a damn thing#i had no indication or inkling there was anything amiss even when i inquired before.#even my supervisor who was supportive and freely gave me and approved of time off lied to my face#and as a i handed in my belongings today everyone was ordered not to engage with me because on monday i utilized the chill space#aka the rage room after hours when the kids were gone because after getting interrogated by HR trauma from former work places came up#and with long covid stuff im still figuring out i needed a spot to vent#im not the only employee btw that used that room for personal raging everyone at some point has used it to either be contemplative#scream or toss punch and throw things so long as the kids are not on grounds we can do that#yet when i finally hit that point and want to decompress safely suddenly i am the dangerous monster#these people are supposed to be trauma informed#well trauma informed my ass#on a positive blessing i never have to work with these assholes ever again and i pray we never meet in public#its going to take a long time and a lot of healing before i think i will be able to trust people fully again#savage magenta#magenta is my vent word
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I've found that, when interacting with others (or myself), it's useful to consider the lessons I'd want to teach a growing child.
If a child makes a mistake, I wouldn't want them to feel shame. I wouldn't yell at them, humiliate them, or in any way indicate to them that their mistake is a reflection of their worth or of who they are as a person.
Instead, I'd want them to associate the process with love and joy. If they say something that hurts someone's feelings, or otherwise ostracizes someone in some way, I'd compassionately explain to them. Ideally, they'd walk away knowing why they said / did it in the first place, how to handle similar situations in the future, and would accept the consequences (e.g. if a friend no longer wanted to hang out with them).
While the consequences may sometimes be painful, I'd do my best to instill in them that mistakes are human and natural, and that the process of learning from these mistakes is an opportunity to improve connections with others and express love.
I have a tendency towards excessive guilt. Memories in which I've said / done something ignorant or hurtful are infused with this guilt and shame- but ideally, I'd feel a sense of love and peace, and perhaps happiness, when looking back on them. Because they were moments of growth, moments I learned how to be more compassionate (even if the actual learning came years later).
So I'll put this out into the void:
When you make a mistake, that is not a reflection of you as a person. It is a moment in time, a moment which was informed by your past experiences. Humans are not static labels, or monsters in an RPG game. We are social creatures who live and learn and react and grow and experience and love. Be gentle with yourself and move forward knowing you're doing so in accordance with your values.
#parenting#internet culture#self compassion#i'd also want to teach them critical thought of course - there are varying ideas of what constitutes mistakes or ignorance or harm#and that's a messy subject which is often a challenge to teach and is beyond the scope of this post but it's important#to avoid being subject to manipulation or becoming reactionary#but anyways#to clarify something in the tags here: it's okay of course to feel bad. that's a normal response. but it's not necessary. and a culture of#shaming people for their mistakes isn't helpful in the same ways it isn't helpful to do that to a child. people become defensive and/or#self-hating. divisive and reactionary and more easily manipulated. fearful and ashamed and avoidant. afraid of disagreements or of trying#anything new. increased all-or-nothing thinking and blowing things out of proportion. it just doesn't help in the long run#sometimes when someone says something i want to express hatred and mockery towards; i think of my trans friend who's full of light and love#and compassion. who came from a smaller more conservative community and used to have some of those same stances (and may still hold some of#those feelings/anxieties). and i remember that i can be firm on my boundaries and spread love and acceptance and safety *without* spewing#vitriol at anyone who makes even a minor mistake. i want people who were impacted by oppression and bias to have space to grow and#find safe communities and be able to think for themselves. i dont want to push them away or be another person in their life screaming at#them. there's always a person behind the screen.#like that doesnt mean i have to interact with them. in fact in most cases it's better to step away. and there are still unsafe people out#there- but yelling at them won't do any good either. saw a tip to focus on the people you want to help rather than the opposition#and that's been super helpful for me
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Just put me in the car, and drive so far
It'll be all right
It'll be all that I have ever asked of you
#just a small snippet I edited for myself hehe#this is what finally helped me find a tag for Driver and im so happy with it#i found a few of his songs by accident and theyre so soothing#love notes#audio#Sweet Jams 🍓#w/ this song i can picture Driver holding my hand while we're cruising down the road#and he gives me one of those gentle quiet smiles curling out of hiding#I think this song is perfect for him. not just bc it's Ryan's voice but like#Driver is so numb to everything around him unless if he's driving and listening to music in the middle of the night#and he's so soft spoken and comforting. I know if I needed him he'd say it'll be alright. just like this#whether I'm recovering from a flashback or I'm depressed or I just cannot sleep for the life of me. he'd drive me til I'm better#he is my safe space and I'm his. he meets this... this star that fell right into his hands#and it's not like his own depression is cured or anything like that. but he feels joy when he's w/ me#and something I’ve always done for years is drive at 2am when I am restless#so to see a movie about a guy who does that… made me feel like we’d understand each other immediately#without words we’d be able to connect and everything would feel so easy#I’ll go back and add the main tags later 🥰
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I'm so glad there's actually people who are watching opla without ever having watched anything op before but i also really hope if they'll decide to pick up the manga/anime to know how it keeps going they'll start from the beginning cause honestly they cut on some of my favorite exchanges in the whole manga, which is kinda sad
#for example arlong going do you know the difference between us and luffy answering ......the nose?#lmao no not that but seriously#luffy's whole speech about being strong because he's not alone and can rely on others for the things he's lacking in#im so sad they didn't find the space for that#also i love that they kept the luffy help me scene the same#but it has such a stronger impact in the manga when before nojiko told us nami never cries in front of others or asks for help#sad they changed the fact that the whole of coco village knew from the beginning too ;; i always loved that#zoro falling asleep in the middle of a fight trusting luffy will keep him safe was severly missed too *wipes tear*#ah and usopp pretending he was lying about the pirates to let the village keep on feeling safe !!!!#sanji's whole 'ill feed the hungry even if i know they'll try to kill me after' thing too i love that about sanji sm.....#and and and yuusaku and jhonny!!! in the la zoro explicitly says he's ever had just one friend but in the manga that's not true ;;;;#no no i love opla i understand 90% of the changes they made I'm not complaining about them being made#i have the manga to reread for all the things that were lost in the adaptation#i just hope new fans will go back those 12something volumes and get the full experience yk#..........that said some of the new content they gave me is so wonderfully appreciated i will never complain about that
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there's more info over here if anyone's interested but,, let's say i had a really really bad day. i got ran over by a car this morning in a freaking crosswalk right before my Very Important test and spent a few hours at the hospital. doing fine though. just a sprained ankle, luckily. but everything hurts, i'm still shocked and i can't walk. i feel so useless right now....
i just,, need some distractions esp from the pain ;;;;
#nyaitsu talks#i had the ugliest anxiety attack right after the accident. sobbed a lot#forever grateful to the old ladies that helped me out and tried to comfort me#i managed to fix the test part with my professor. i did it from home#but i'm exhausted and in such a bad mood. i can't fall asleep because it hurts and painkillers don't work </3#the amount of paperwork i need to do. something about finding a lawyer. i'm more scared of that than the pain ;;;;;#my other ankle is heavily messed up from a previous injury so i'm. uh. stressed that i might hurt it too#i just need huge doses of. fluff. and comfort ;;;;#i'm sorry for the bad news i needed to vent so bad#this is still my safe space so. yeah. thank you for listening
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besties i’ve had an AWFUL day but your blog posts have gotten me through it
#unironically#tumblr is MY safe space lol#i was almost late to my train#hated my outfit#literally there was no food at home for breakfast#outlets didn’t work at the cafe#something scheduled for 10 was actually rescheduled to 1#which someone emailed to say was at 1:30#so i was technically late bc of that confusion#can’t find my prescription#my lunch came with stale bread#like#HELP ME
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#safe#i was in such a great mood today..#my dad just sort of ruined it for me#i have to finish some corrections and find some old results i need to include in my work and i can't for the life of me focus#all i want is to eat carbs and cry to some of my fave music#i really hate that this is my reaction: to avoid my bad feelings by resorting to spaces.#but i know it doesn't help long term... the sad songs will make me sadder. the food will make my stomache ache.#i'll get more sad and in pain and stressed over the work piling up.#whereas now i am mostly frustrated annoyed and a little sad#should i try meditation? can i even focus on my breathing?#tdl#sam's kintsugi heart
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Okie I took a shower and now I'm normal again (lying) anyways look at my son
#rat rambles#sekai posting#sorry for that kinda messy rant smth just snapped within me tkfjsjdg#I rly could have just said 'very few of the behaviors ppl demonise mafuyu for within their initial breakdown are repeated after it'#and thatd cover most of my bases. If ppl actually thought for five seconds longer anyways lol#but ya anyways onto smth more positive I rly love how we can rly tangebly see mafuyu's development since the start in their bday 4koma#basic summary; ichika and honami give them globe. mafuyu does a lil genuine thing and says they like it. they show it to miku and len woo#I love how we rly get to feel mafuyu start to get a better grasp on expressing themself genuinely even if they try their damndest not to#let it show outside of 25ji#it rly goes to show that just having a space to try to express themself more freely is so important for them#it reminds me of how for me that space was talking to myself when I was home alone#I think that kinda left me with some other issues but it did legitimately help me build up my sense of self so much#because rather than engaging with this hypothetical me in my thought echo chamber I had to actually like talk#and also while I poke fun at kanade constantly being like how do u feel it does help and honestly is probably the best kanade can do in her#current state without biting off way more than she can chew which is ultimately best for both of them#but still 25ji encouraging mafuyu to try to word their thoughts forces them to engage with their mental state in a more tangeble way#and thats good for them I think. again it reminds me of a lot of what I did to rebuild so I think its neat to see in a media#I rly appreciate how a lot of mafuyu's issues have been less them relearning ~how to feel~ or whatever and more of a mix of them finding#more of a safe space to actually learn how to recognise their emotions that they already have while also having the rest of 25ji there to#support them and on top of a safe space give them a happy space of sorts#like again I can poke fun at 25ji for not being the found family ppl treat them as all I want but that doesnt make them less important for#mafuyu and also again all of them make me soso happy and I love all of their dynamics Im just a lil hater /j#aka I dont like ppl scrubbing away their rough edges as friends like them being so clunky is a part of the appeal to me#I wanna watch them bridge that gap as slowly as possible I find it funny#but in all seriousness tho if the next 25ji event gives us some good kanade stuff we might be much more set up for some stronger 25ji#friendship developments since currently kanade is the one making things most stagnant#speaking of I hope the next 25ji banner is good Im tired of saving my crystals I wanna gamble god damnit /j
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aauauauuougghghs i need to move out 👁👁
^^^ [CHEC IT OUT] i need to move out moodboard (available now !!!(
#99.txt#my mom is like ''you seem upset with mee :('' yeah cos straight up like i think i just hate u now#when i got covid it was MY problem i stayed in my room. i wore a mask any time i left. i even wore gloves to the kitchen.#to make sure she didnt get it (and she didnt !!!) and i even cleaned the whole house while i had it lol. and still kept it away from her#so now that she has it guess what !!!!!!!!!!!! everyone guess what !!!! its STILL my problem !!!#i stay in my room ! i use the basement toilet !! i have to wear a mask outside my room at all times !!#and wash my hands so much im gettin rashes because she just goes around doing whatever touching whatever ?#coughing on whatever because she doesnt give a shit !!!!#i made it my mission when i had it to keep her safe#and now that she has it its ''well if you wanna keep safe thats your responsibility'' like ???????#i promise you the thought of making space for another person & accommodating or compromising has never occoured to her once#its all ''well its up to you !!! good luck !!!!!'' yeah fuck me i guess#and she keeps bothering me asking me to help her with shit still !!!!!!!!!!!#''how do i find my documents on the computer ive had for 10 years :('' are you stupid ?????? are you dumb for real ???????#and she puts me in the situation where. im busy clearly busy with my own shit#but she feels SO entitled to my time that she will just insist that i drop everything and do something for her#if i say no or have a slightly unenthusiastic response its ''oh youre SO mean to me youre SO mean. no one will want you :('' ...ok.#but if i ask for help from my own mother once in a while its ''wow you ask so much of me you know youre not a child anymore :\\\''#yeah. i know. i dont think ive been helped with anything by a parent since i was like 15 years old#''why are you mad at me ven you seem mad at me :('' yeah . i think like you just kinda fucking suck
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#aaa i see louis' show was today and it looks like hes vvv happy which makes me happy#that being said i dont really have the mental to be on here rn :'( i had a call with a therapy lady to help me find the right therapist and#it was extremely uncomfy .. i think mainly bc this was the first time i was being completely honest about everything to someone#confidential of course but idk what i was feeling ??? embarassment? guilt? both?#i know she had to ask me things to find someone but i felt crazy talking about it so i really hope whoever im matched up with creates a#safe space for me or im going to cry actually .#i was gonna get into it but im actually gonna leave it at that bc i dont wanna n i have another final tomorrow teehee gn
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when im at home or at my accomodation I’m completely filled with anxiety with a weird comfort but somehow its two completely different flavours
#i think part of it is space?#my bed room at home is about 2.5m x 2.5m and the small space brings me comfort#but it clutters easier and the lack of space means i end up sitting in one singular place longer#vs my accom where i have a studio space. Bedroom the size of my home living room + my own bathroom small living room and kitchen#the space is freeing and if i find im sat in one space too long and my mindset goes worst i can just be like 'ok sofa time. Desk time. Bed#but e. Large space anxiety. I need to be in a small enclosed area to feel safe. Cat mentality#im getting a bean bag so i can go into corners so maybe that'll help with the space?#and also the people. Two different anxieties from being in a house of 5 other people and 9 animals to being alone#/tw vent
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It’s important to recognise that Barbie (2023) criticises both the patriarchy AND the matriarchy. Yes, the Ken’s are just accessories to the Barbies. Yes, they don’t have any say in the government they live under. That’s the point, you’re supposed to feel awful, you’re supposed to want the Kens to have their own agency, you’re supposed to want equality. The Barbie movie explicitly states that the way Barbie treats Ken is wrong, so much so that once he finds a safe space for his masculinity and individual identity he’s so excited to share it with the other Kens.
But they go overboard and replace a matriarchy with a patriarchy and now the same issue exists but in reverse. That’s the POINT!! THATS THE POINT!!! Barbie is not anti-men it’s pro equality PLEASE understand this
13th Aug 2023 UPDATE:
Heeeeey howdy!!
Due to the IMMENSE comments and discussion on this post (thanks ya’ll!!) I’ve decided to update my post with my recent opinions and hopefully clearer explanations!!
First, my original post only considers a very small and very vague analysis of the film!!
Since making this I've read all your comments and learned quite a bit about the matriarchy as it appears in human civilisation. Originally, I was pitting the patriarchy and the matriarchy against each other as though the results of their implementation were equal in the film.
They were not!! Below is the definition of matriarchy I’ll be working off of.
Matriarchy Simple Definition;
Matriarchy is a social system in which women hold the primary power positions in roles of authority. In a broader sense it can also extend to moral authority, social privilege and control of property.
There's a lot to talk about in the Barbie film that would fit better in an essay, so I'll try and condense it into this;
To me, Barbie (2023) is a film about the female experience and the shared connection between women that persists through childhood and adulthood, support and harassment, suffering and joy, mother and daughter.
It uses Barbie as its figurehead because of the immense societal and political impact the doll has had on women, both good and bad (as explained in the film).
The male experience as seen in Barbie (2023) is not the sole focus of the film- rather, it's an accessory (as the Kens are) to Barbie's story, and a necessary aspect of exploration to truly highlight the importance of individualism and healthy personal exploration.
I want to make clear that I in no way think the treatment of the Kens was just as bad as the treatment of the Barbies. I also still agree that the matriarchy fostered by the Barbies wasn’t good for the Kens.
Additionally, I’m aware that this take on Barbie (2023) works strictly within the assumed heteronormative boundaries of gender. There is a lot of nuance in the Barbie film and I don’t think everything can be covered or explained in on Tumblr post— but I hope this clarification helps!!
I hope you're all coming to your own conclusions and analysis of the film in a way that makes sense to you. And for those of you engaging in online conversations and discourse about it, I hope you're keeping yourself and others happy and safe!!!
Much love to you all!! < 3
#barbie#barbie movie#barbenheimer#Ken#barbie spoilers#barbie discourse#barbie conversations#barbie criticism#barbie 2023#barbie movie 2023#matriarchy#patriarchy#heteronormative society
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its 4am. i was going to go to bed 2 hours ago. however. for some fucking reason. my c:drive filled up while i was drawing. which is weird. because i swear to fucking god i had at least 50 gigs left. so i have been googling. and cleaning. and searching. and whatever the fuck for two goddamn hours. only for no one and nothing to have a solution for me. i am going to fucking scream.
#even worse.im going to have to get my dad involved.#kill me#he works in it so he knows his stuff or whaver#but hes such a massive dick about it#hes going to be ngry and swearing and condescending as fuck#and i. am going. to cry.#i just dont wanna fuck up my pc#ive only had it a few months it shouldnt be full and i definitely had enough storage space before i started drawing#but hes going to find a way to blame me just not being smart like him again#fuck even thinking about it upsets me which is WHY ive been trying to fix it for two hours even though i dont know shit or dick#fuck and my siblings coming home tomorrow i cant ruin that with this shit fuck#also yes i did a disk cleanup and yes i emptied my recycling and yes i used my anti malware program to check for viruses and no#none of it worked.#fuck me ijust wanted to do a drawing for my sibling#this is why i stick to traditional and mspaint#good night im gonna probably cry some more and try not to think about it#Kinda awful that the worst part of all this is asking my dad for help#I'm not gonna examine that goodnight#Whoops fuck forgot to tag sorry#Vent tw#Vent cw#Vent post#Vent#I'm just tired and frustrated and melodramatic but better to be safe
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