Tumgik
#i wish i could explain myself but i just can't
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hiya! i'm still pretty new to your blog but i really like your writing! english isn't my first language but i hope my request is still understandable ^^
m!reader (with they/them pronouns if possible 👉🏻👈🏻) is best friends with chan. chan praises the reader in some way and figures out that they have a praise kink so he just keeps praising them to make them flustered all the time (bonus points if he throws in the classic 'good boy')
oh and i wanted to ask if i could maybe be 🦖 anon?
thank you!
It's always been you
Pairing: Chan x m!reader with they/them pronouns (mention of Minsung)
Word Count: 4301
Summary: Chan and you have been best friends for what feels like forever. You long for more, not knowing that Chan feels the same. Minho and Jisung decide to lend you a hand the way Chan and you did for them.
Warnings/Tags: friends to lovers, fluff, slight angst, smut, teasing, praise kink, dry humping
A/N: I know we've talked a while ago about this request but I hope I did your wishes for it justice, my dear🖤
do not repost, translate, or plagiarize my works in any way here or on other platforms. ©️writingforstraykids 2024 -
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You hum gently to yourself as you make your way back home, scrolling through your phone as you try to find a good song. A smile covers your lips as your best friend's voice rings through your ears and you can't help the warm feeling spreading through you. Chan invited you over for a movie night with the boys, and you couldn't wait to spend time with them…or him. Being around Chan made you feel things you never felt for anyone else ever before. Those soft brown eyes, beautiful smile, and warm hugs made you feel so loved. You know there's no chance he would ever love you back, but that didn't stop you from gazing after him. 
You reach their dorm, and Minho lets you in, pulling you into a short hug. “Hey, Min.”
“Hey,” he smiles and closes the door behind you. “Channie hyung will be there in a bit. He went out to grab some snacks with Ji,” he explains and pats your back, leading you inside. 
“Oh, okay,” you nod and glance around the living room, where they've already set everything up. “Can I still help with anything?”
“Nah, you're fine,” he tells you and gently shoves you toward the sofa. “Relax, okay? We got it.”
-
“Fuck, Ji, it's getting worse every time they're there,” Chan sighs and grabs some of your favorite cookies. 
“Worse?” Jisung frowns, and Chan nods weakly. 
“Yeah, they're so funny and adorable and so pretty,” he says and glances at his friend nervously. “I really want to be more than just friends.”
Jisung squints his eyes at him suspiciously. “Just sex or more?” he asks quietly. 
“Not just sex,” Chan shakes his head and awkwardly scratches his neck. “I wanna be there for them, make sure they're safe and loved.”
“Why don't you tell them?” he asks curiously. 
“I'm scared of ruining our friendship,” he admits. 
“You will, one way or the other, won't you?” he asks gently. “You'll regret it if you don't tell them, believe me. I could've saved myself a lot of pain if I told Minho hyung a lot earlier.” 
“Yeah, but…I told you Minho loves you. You had some clarity after that,” he sighs softly. 
“I can ask Y/nnie,” he shrugs, and Chan's eyes widen fearfully. “Then I'll tell you, and you can decide what to do with that information.”
“Yeah, okay,” he gives in after a moment. 
-
You look up as they return from the store and smile softly, spotting Chan and giving him a small wave. Chan smiles back, walks past you, and gently pats your head. “Hey, bestie.”
“Hey,” you smile gently, swallowing at the word that once brought you so much comfort but now is a simple reminder of what you didn't have. 
You see Minho greeting Jisung, pulling him into a hug, and gently rubbing his back. He asks him something you can't quite hear, but his eyes are so soft, his voice gentle, it makes your heartache. Minho giggles at Jisung’s answer and cups his face, kissing his forehead. You quickly look away, biting your lower lip. You still remember how happy you were when they got together, but over time it got hard to watch, wishing for something like this with Chan. “Y/nnie, can I talk to you for a second?” Jisung asks as he pulls back. “I need help with something.”
“You're okay?” Minho asks worriedly. 
“I'm okay,” he assures him softly and squeezes his hand. “Come on,” he waves you over. You get up, not noticing Chan's anxious glance as you leave the room. 
Minho glances at him suspiciously. “Oh…that?”
“Mhm,” Chan nods nervously and Minho flashes him an encouraging smile. 
“How could they not love you, huh?” he chuckles compassionately. “Relax, hyungie.”
-
Only a little later, you're back in the living room, trying not to look all too confused. There isn't much space left on the sofa, and Chan pulls you into his lap naturally. You sink back into him and bite your lower lip nervously. Why the hell did Jisung ask if you're in love? With Chan? Was it that obvious? 
You can barely focus on the movie playing and want nothing more but to leave and think this all through. It's over sooner than you thought, and you're all sitting in a circle on the carpet now. 
“Truth or dare anyone?” Seungmin asks, and you curse yourself quietly. Of course. 
“Not for me, I should get -” you start and see Chan's smile fading. 
“You're leaving already?” he asks worriedly, and you nod quickly.
“Oh, come on, Y/nnie,” Jeongin pouts at you. 
“You can't leave already,” Changing protests and places the cards into your circle. 
“Fine,” you give in weakly and sit down next to Chan, who lifts you into his lap rather quickly again. His arms wrap around your waist, and his chin rests on your shoulder. “Clingy,” you comment fondly. 
“Fuck off,” Chan gives back just as fondly. 
The game goes on, and luckily, you're getting easy tasks and questions that don't make you uncomfortable. Jisung is sleeping in Minho's lap by now as the latter plays with his hair, and Felix's head is resting on his shoulder. Seungmin and Innie keep on teasing each other, hoping for the most stupid questions for each other. Changbin is still reading the questions, and Hyunjin giggles every time he shows him beforehand. You're still comfortable in Chan's lap and giggle as Seungmin spins the bottle, and it points at the two of you. 
“That's pretty in the middle,” Changbin states and frowns softly. 
“I can go; I'll take truth,” Chan volunteers. Changbin glances down at the question before grinning. 
“Do you have a crush? If so, who?” he reads out loud, and Chan stiffens beneath you. 
“I do,” he nods, and your throat dries. 
“Who?” Hyunjin asks, pointing out the second part of the question. 
“Someone I know really well,” Chan says, and your heart drops. That could be everyone in this room, and looking at the others, you know it can't be you. There's no chance. You push yourself from his lap before you fully comprehend your thoughts, excusing yourself for the bathroom. Chan glances after you worriedly as you bump into the table on the way out and exchanges a worried look with Minho. 
“I got it,” Minho nods and gently plants a sleeping Jisung into Felix's lap. “You go on,” he tells the rest before making his way upstairs to the bathroom. Minho gently knocks at the door and fondly rolls his eyes as you don't answer. “Y/nnie, let me in,” he says and waits for another moment. “I'll go get Chan if you don't.” You quickly open the door and pull him inside, locking the door again. “Cozy,” he comments teasingly. 
“Why are you even here?” you sigh softly and sit down heavily at the edge of the bathtub. 
“Shouldn't I ask you that? This can't be more comfortable than Chan hyung’s lap,” he says and sits down next to you, shaking his head. “Definitely not.”
“Mhm, you should know, right?” you ask sarcastically, and Minho grins. 
“Oh, I do…I've seen…or felt…everything you dream about,” he chuckles and gently pats your thigh. “I'm with Ji. What's stopping you now, huh?”
“Don't be ridiculous,” you shake your head and sigh heavily. “There's no way on earth Chan would love me and - oh fuck, I sound just like you,” you groan. 
“You do,” he giggles. “And I remember you telling me to get myself together and finally realize how handsome I am.”
“Well, you are, you dumbass,” you roll your eyes at him. “That doesn't exactly apply to me.”
“I think…I know Chan thinks very differently about that,” he says and is quiet for a moment. “So do I, dumbass,” he says and gently smacks the back of your head. 
Minho's words hit you like a wave, washing away the stubborn layers of doubt that had clung to you all evening. Despite the sting of his playful smack, there's an undeniable warmth in his words, an affirmation that maybe, just maybe, Chan might feel the same way about you. 
"But, Min," you start, your voice trembling slightly from the mix of hope and uncertainty, "What if you're wrong? What if he doesn't... What if it's not me he's talking about?"
Minho raises an eyebrow and gives you a look that screams exasperation mixed with fondness. "Y/nnie, when have I ever steered you wrong? Listen, Chan's not as good at hiding his feelings as he thinks. The way he looks at you? I've seen it. It's more than just friendship. This isn’t my talk to have, though, you know?"
You're about to respond, but there's a knock on the bathroom door that makes you both flinch. "It's me," a voice says, one that sends butterflies rampaging through your stomach. Chan.
Minho winks at you and stands up. He walks past Chan with a knowing look as he exits the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. You're frozen in place, your heart pounding so loudly you're sure Chan can hear it.
Chan steps inside, closes the door behind him, and leans against it. His eyes search yours, filled with a nervous energy that matches your own. "Y/nnie, are you okay? I noticed you left suddenly..."
Taking a deep breath, you nod slowly, trying to muster the courage that Minho seemed to think you had in abundance. "I'm okay, Chan. Just... a lot on my mind, I guess."
Chan moves closer, his concern evident. "Anything you want to talk about? You know you can tell me anything, right?"
The sincerity in his voice nearly breaks you. With a shaky exhale, you decide it's now or never. "Chan, I... I need to ask you something. Earlier, when you said you have a crush... was that-"
Chan's face changes then, but before you can interpret it, he lets out a breath he seems to have been holding. "Yes, it's you. It's always been you, Y/nnie. I was just too scared to say anything because I didn't want to ruin what we had."
The words you had feared and hoped to hear tumble into the small space between you, and for a moment, the world stops. Tears prick your eyes, not from sadness but from an overwhelming relief that floods through you.
"Chan, I... I feel the same," you confess, the weight of your unspoken feelings lifting off your shoulders. "I was so afraid you'd never see me that way."
Chan steps forward, closing the distance between you in an instant. His hands cup your face gently, and he smiles - a real, soft smile that you've dreamed of being meant for you. "How could I not? You're amazing, Y/nnie. I've just been an idiot about it."
And then he kisses you, a soft, sweet kiss that promises more. As you melt into him, the fears and doubts of the past fade away, replaced by the excitement of what comes next.
Outside the bathroom, the sounds of the ongoing game and the laughter of your friends continue, a reminder of the world waiting for you both. But for now, in this small, shared space, nothing matters more than the two of you finally bridging the gap between friendship and something much deeper.
When you finally pull away, Chan's grin is as bright as the stars you imagine are shining outside. "Come on," he says, taking your hand. "Let's go back.”
The two of you sit down again, and you lean back against him comfortably. Your eyes meet Minho’s, and you can’t help but beam at him. Minho smiles gently and winks at you, focusing back on the game. Chan gently intertwines your hands in front of your stomach and rests his head on your shoulder. “Tired?” you ask him quietly enough for only him to hear.
“Starting to be, yeah,” he hums quietly. “You wanna stay tonight?” he asks so sweetly there was no chance you’d deny him. 
“I would love to,” you nod.
The evening goes on, but the atmosphere around you is subtly different now. The other guys seem to pick up on the shift; quick, knowing glances are exchanged, and an occasional smirk is poorly disguised as a cough. As the evening slowly comes to a stop, the games gradually transform into yawns and stretching limbs. One by one, the room starts to empty as everyone heads to their room. Changbin claps Chan on the back as he passes by, whispering something that makes Chan chuckle and squeeze your hand tighter.
Once the room is empty, Chan shifts slightly, turning to face you. "So, what do you want to do?" he asks, his voice low and warm. "We could start another movie, just the two of us, or maybe just talk?"
"The talking sounds nice," you reply, smiling at him
Chan nods in agreement and stands, leading you to his room. You’ve been here so often before, but you never fail to feel at home here. He shuts the door behind you and sits on the edge of the bed, patting the space next to him.
You join him, feeling a blend of excitement and nervousness. "I'm really glad you're here," Chan begins, turning to you with a beautiful smile that makes your heart flutter. "I've wanted to talk like this for so long but didn't know how to start."
"Me too," you admit. "I always wondered what this would be like, talking to you like this, knowing we both feel the same way."
Chan reaches out, brushing a strand of hair from your face. "I've been so scared of messing things up," he confesses. "I didn't want to lose you by taking a step that might have been too much, too soon."
You nod, understanding his fears because they mirror your own. "But we didn't mess it up, did we? We're here now, and it feels right."
"It does," he agrees, his eyes lighting up with a mixture of relief and happiness. "It feels perfect."
"What do you think will happen with us?" you ask a small part of you needing reassurance that tonight's magic will extend beyond dawn.
Chan squeezes your hand, his gaze steady. "I think we're going to be great," he says. "We already know each other so well, and we care about each other. We just have to keep doing what we're doing."
"I love that," you whisper, leaning your head against his shoulder.
"I love you," Chan says softly, the words spoken so naturally, echoing through the quiet room.
"I love you too, Channie," you respond, turning to face him. Your eyes meet his in a look that feels like a promise. He smiles sweetly, dimples showing, and gives you another quick kiss.
Chan stands up and offers you a shirt to sleep in, his shy smile making you laugh. You change and slide under the covers beside him, his arm coming around to hold you close.
The comfort of his embrace and the steady beat of his heart soon draw you into slumber, the challenges of the day fading into the peace of the night.
Two weeks later
You’re at the kitchen table with Minho, whispering the details of Chan’s and your first kiss and talk to him. You haven’t really had time to before with Minho gone for a few days. Minho listens curiously, nodding along, and you can tell he’s happy for you. The rest slowly join you for breakfast, and then Chan comes back from his shower after his gym session. His curls are still damp, a bright smile covering his face as he sees you. He passes you, gently squeezing your shoulder. “Morning, pretty,” he says softly, and you can’t help but feel flustered. A quick kiss to your temple follows, and he’s gone again already, getting himself something to drink. 
Minho notices the blush settling on your cheeks and giggles. “That easily?” he asks, amused. 
You gently shove his shoulder. “Shut up,” you mutter. “I’m not used to it.”
“Mhm,” he hums, still giggling softly.
It gets worse as Chan slips into the chair next to you, flashing you a bright smile and casually resting his hand on your thigh. “You slept well, beautiful?” he asks, not noticing the blush on your cheeks deepening. 
What the hell? Why were his simple words causing such warmth to spread through your body? Why are you blushing so hard after a few kind words? His eyes meet yours, and your stomach tightens at the love in them. Fuck.
“Yeah, did you?” you ask shyly.
“Of course, you’ve always been amazing at cuddling,” he compliments you, and you subconsciously shift in your chair. 
You manage a small smile in response to Chan’s gaze, the affection evident in his eyes almost too much to process so early in the morning. He chuckles softly, his hand squeezing your thigh reassuringly, a simple gesture that somehow speeds up your fluttering heart.
“Sorry,” he whispers, leaning in so that only you can hear, “I didn’t mean to make you blush this much.” His voice is a blend of amusement and tenderness, sending a shiver down your spine. You can't help but feel a little overwhelmed by how natural it all seems to him, this newfound closeness between you.
“It’s okay,” you assure him. 
“Are you sure, pretty boy?” he asks and your lips part softly, eyes widening a little. 
“Channie,” you whisper softly, shaking your head. “Stop it.”
“Stop what?” he asks, a knowing smirk lacing his features. “I’m just saying what I see.”
Your teeth bury into your lower lip as you feel the earlier shyness shift into something much stronger. Chan was getting you all worked up over nothing, and you’re not even done with breakfast yet.
“Give them a break,” Minho leans over suddenly, rolling his eyes playfully at Chan. “You’re getting them all worked up at the breakfast table; behave,” he says quietly enough only for the pair of you to hear.
Chan’s eyes widen, lips parting in a silent ‘oh’ as he picks up on the effect his words have on you. He leans closer to you, his breath tickling your neck. “Didn’t know you had a thing for praise.”
“Me neither, now shut up,” you plead softly, shifting in your seat and pulling at your shirt to cover your lap. Chan’s low chuckle sends shivers down your spine, and you flinch as his hand moves up your thigh. You gaze at him nervously, but Chan doesn’t even glance in your direction, talking to Seungmin opposite him. By now, you can’t get up to escape the possibility of getting caught because you’re slowly growing hard.
Your breath hitches as you try to focus on anything but the warmth of Chan's hand, your body reacting despite the semi-public setting. It's a thrilling yet terrifying mix of emotions, the fear of being noticed wrestling with the pleasure of Chan's subtle touches.
"Hey, you okay?" Seungmin's voice cuts through your haze, and you snap your attention back to him, nodding quickly, too quickly.
"Yeah, just... thought I saw something outside," you stammer, hoping your voice doesn't betray the flush of heat crawling up your neck. Chan smirks slightly, his fingers pausing as if he's aware of your struggle to stay composed.
The rest of the breakfast passes with a sort of hushed intensity, your mind whirling with Chan's teasing and the palpable connection that seems to have everyone subtly glancing your way every so often. You're grateful when the meal finally ends, and there’s an opportunity to escape the intensity of the kitchen.
Chan stands and stretches, his shirt lifting slightly to reveal a sliver of his abdomen. You have to force your gaze away, feeling the heat in your cheeks intensify. "Wanna go upstairs?" he asks, his voice low, meant only for your ears. You pull at the hem of your shirt, nodding shyly and biting your lower lip in anticipation. Chan giggles and pulls you into a tight hug, whispering to you as some of the boys are still here. “Didn’t know you’d be able to hide it so well,” he tells you, hand running down your back. “Think you deserved yourself a reward, pretty boy?”
“Please,” you whisper, burying your flushed face in his shoulder. 
“If you’re good and keep quiet, I’ll help you out,” he whispers, and you tense in his arms, biting your lower lip hard. 
Your body reacts with a shiver at the promise in his words, the idea alone enough to draw a deep, yearning ache from within you. You nod against his shoulder, unable to speak, your heart pounding fiercely in your chest.
Chan leads you quietly upstairs, his hand gripping yours with a reassuring firmness. You pass a couple of the guys lounging in the living area, completely oblivious to the charged atmosphere between you two. Once inside his room, Chan locks the door with a soft click, the sound echoing slightly in the stillness.
"Sit down," he directs gently, pointing to the edge of his bed. You obey, watching him with wide eyes as he kneels down in front of you. His hands rest on your knees, his touch light but sending waves of anticipation through your body.
"How quiet do you think you can be?" Chan asks, his voice low and teasing, his breath warm against your skin as he leans closer.
"I'll be quiet," you promise, your voice barely above a whisper, trembling with the effort of keeping your composure.
Chan smiles, that knowing, mischievous grin that always sets your heart racing. He slowly moves his hands up your thighs, his fingers brushing the fabric of your sweatpants tantalizingly slow. The touch is light, almost teasing, but it’s enough to make you gasp softly.
"Shh," he hushes, his lips brushing against your ear, sending another shiver down your spine. "Remember, you need to be quiet."
You nod, biting your lip hard to stifle any further sounds. Chan’s hands continue their exploration, now slipping under your shirt to trace the lines of your stomach up towards your chest. His touch is feather-light, yet every nerve in your body screams for more contact, more pressure.
Without warning, he presses down more firmly, his palm flat against your chest as he pushes you gently back onto the bed. You go willingly, your body already on fire from his touch, your breathing heavy but controlled as you try to keep your promise.
Chan climbs onto the bed, straddling one of your thighs as he leans over you, his face just inches from yours. “Still doing okay?” he asks, his eyes searching yours for any sign of hesitation.
“More than okay,” you breathe out, the proximity of his body making it hard to think about anything but the feel of him against you.
Grinning, Chan shifts his weight, and you feel the firm pressure of his thigh between yours, exactly where you need him. He watches your face closely as he begins to rock gently, the friction sending sparks of pleasure coursing through you. Your hands find his hips, gripping him, guiding him into a rhythm that has you biting down on your lip to keep silent.
The room is filled with the soft sound of fabric moving against fabric and Chan's steady, controlled breathing. You keep your eyes locked on him, getting lost in the intensity of his gaze as he moves against you. Each motion is deliberate, calculated to drive you closer to the edge without tipping you over too soon.
Chan’s hands are on your hips now, his fingers pressing into your skin, his grip firm and possessive. He leans down to kiss you, slow and deep, his lips moving against yours in a dance that mirrors the movement of your bodies. You respond eagerly, the kiss muffled enough to keep your moans contained.
As the pressure builds, Chan’s movements become more urgent, his body pressing harder against yours. You feel a warmth spreading through you, a tingling sensation that starts deep within and radiates outwards. Your grip on him tightens, and Chan breaks the kiss to look at you, his eyes intense.
“Shit, Channie,” you whisper, almost feeling dizzy at the intensity of finally being this close to Chan. 
“Shh, be a good boy, yeah?” he asks softly, biting back a moan himself as he rocks his hips.
“Close,” you manage to whisper, and he nods, his movements becoming even more focused. You arch into him, your mouth opening in a silent cry of release as waves of pleasure wash over you. Chan holds you through it, his body a steady presence as you tremble beneath him. Chan buries his face in your chest with a soft, punched-out sound as his body shivers, stumbling over the edge. 
When you finally relax back onto the bed, Chan’s face is flushed with his own exertion, a satisfied smile playing on his lips. He kisses you softly, tenderly, a stark contrast to the urgency of moments before.
“Was that quiet enough for you?” you ask, a playful note in your voice despite your exhaustion.
“Perfect,” Chan confirms with a chuckle, his forehead resting against yours. “Absolutely perfect.” You both lie there for a moment, catching your breath, the only sound in the room now the quiet hum of the house around you. Then, with a gentle nudge, Chan encourages you to sit up. “Come on,” he says, his voice gentle. “Let’s clean up a bit, then we can go back down. They’ll wonder where we’ve vanished to.”
“Yeah, okay,” you giggle softly, smiling into the loving kiss he gives you before slipping out of bed. Yeah, you could get used to this and so much more.
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aspecpplarebeautiful · 11 hours
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Hello! If you don't mind, this is half a vent and half an ask both to you and to your followers who have had some experience?
I feel like I want certain aspects of a romantic relationship, the idea of having someone "special" is very appealing. Especially since I find myself falling in the trap of romance tropes, and I really do feel that I want to find that one person who I'd feel safe being physically close with, and not just because I turn my brain off to suffer through it but to actually enjoy it.
I know that I'm rather attracted to men, in theory at least, but whenever there's even remotely a thought in my brain that a polite conversation may turn into something more I get nervous, kinda in a bad way. I feel like I want to put a barrier in and I'm afraid they'll be reading into my behaviour too much. It makes me feel as if I like to play pretend in my head but I'm too much of a coward when real life gets involved.
I've been identifying as ace for years now, and I just turned 24. No experience in the dating department, I've been slowly making my way to accepting being at least arospec as well, possibly just aro, but for some reason it's been so much harder for me. Asexuality just clicked. This I think I may be fighting because the idea of a relationship seems too nice to give up and I've already had a bad experience with an extremely undernegotiated QPR (ended quickly but left a bitter taste nevertheless).
I just wish I could not think about it? But I also feel like the societal expectations of romantic attraction are much more pressing than sexual one. I don't want to lead anyone on, and I don't want to feel this little bit of dread whenever I have a conversation with a guy who I know doesn't have a girlfriend. That's another sign of being aro, right? Being able to be comfortable only when the possibility of the other party wanting you romantically is non-existent.
Sorry for this being so long. Thank you for listening, either way.
Romance definitely has a hard to explain quality to it, and I think that can make it questioning if you're aro especially tricky. It is possible that anxiety you're feeling when a situation could turn romantic is a form of repulsion. It's not uncommon for romance repulsion to feel more like anxiety or nervousness, and for people feel like wanting to go and hide. Alloromantic people can be nervous too sometimes, but it usually comes with a feeling of anticipation and still being drawn to the other person. Or they will usually have either trouble with anxiety in other areas, or issues with romance (romance related trauma for example). Sometimes it can be tricky to know exactly what it is, but if the stuff below doesn't sound like you at all, than repulsion is a likely explanation.
The other thing I would point is that fully alloromantic people often have people in real life they are experience a romantic pull towards, who they really want to be in a romantic relationship with. And if you're not experiencing that, that could also be a strong sign of being aromantic.
Being aromantic, and even romance repulsed, if you are, does not mean you can't have a very important person in your life. I know you mentioned a QPR that didn't go well, and it's up to you if that's something you ever want to try again, but even if you don't. remember that deep bonds can come in all forms of relationships. All types of relationships, including friendships, familial relationships, etc. have the potential to be very special of very deep if you end up connecting to someone in the right way. So whatever path you choose to take, don't feel like this isn't possible.
I'll throw this out followers too if anyone wants to share their own thoughts or advice.
All the best, Anon! Good luck!
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kiwidotcom · 4 months
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😓😓😓
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Me, when Sebastian joins my party for the first time: Okay, this time I'm not going to forget about you, Sebastian. I'm going to make an effort to use you a lot this playthrough so I can better understand you.
Also me, immediately forgetting about Sebastian while finishing Act 2 and making it halfway through Act 3 before I finally notice his Faith quest: ......................Oh. Right. My bad.
#da2#dragon age 2#sebastian vael#listen in my defense..........i don't like bringing sebastian anywhere sksksks#okay look i seriously tried but every time i bring him somewhere i always think man i wish i had brought someone else#and also i do just forget about him! i finally added him to my party at one point and he had 24 points to spend...#that's how long i neglected him after i promised myself i was gonna use him more and then i didn't#it's not that i don't like sebastian as a character though i do tend to side eye him A LOT... it's just that i like everyone else more#even aveline like i'd take aveline over sebastian any day and that's saying something... or is it? i have a lot of feelings about aveline#whereas my feelings about sebastian could maybe fill a thimble...it doesn't help that in my canon run as a mage hawke#i romance anders and well... sebastian wants me to kill anders and my hawke is like 'do i approve of blowing up the chantry? complicated.'#'am i breaking up with anders for this? absolutely. do i still love him? mmhmmm. am i going to kill him sebby? i'd sooner set varric aflame#then sebastian threatens to bring an army to kirkwall and leaves so i can't say i have the greatest opinion on him#even the time where i did kill anders and he stayed in my party he was just... there#and then he glitched out and started t posing while asking if ed ever found out what anders wanted to do in the chantry so..... yeah#but even this playthrough where i'm playing as a lady warrior with a different personality and everything... i'd just rather use anyone els#also keep him away from bethany i do not approve sksksks she's too good for him#i want to understand and see the different angles of him like with the other companions but i've yet to convince myself to do it#also sebastian romancers out there can you like... explain? genuinely can you explain the appeal? i'm curious#because of all the love interests in da2 i look at sebastian and you'd think i'd maybe be more interested? but it's like...#i know about the chaste marriage and everything like that's fine i don't need sex to be a thing in the relationship but it feels less like#an asexual romance and more like... y'know... being with a priest and i guess that's just not one of my kinks? sksksks#i guess there's also the prince angle but i romanced alistair in dao and kept him a grey warden i don't really care about royalty power#and i don't have issues with him being a part of the chantry [well i do but yknow what i mean] since i romanced cullen in dai#and his whole deal with the chantry and magic and shit makes his romance interesting to me but sebastian is just.... a bit too much i think#i don't know i'd like to understand because i really don't but i also keep forgetting about him
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#I'm so tired explaining to my nt parents my “ disordered eating''#YES I'M FUCKING AWARE THAT NOT BEING HUNGRY ISN'T NORMAL#i figured that shit out over my 18 years on this planet#food sometimes makes my want to gag#i find it really unappealing#I'm not hungry a good amount of those times#or just too tierd to put the food on my plate#ik shocker that's not normal either#but i can't help it#if i could i fucking would#telling that it's not normal doesn't actually help me with it#idk what's wrong with me#and yeah i don't care that much about fixing it#I'm tiered always stressed and doing many other things to fix this#i take advantage of it though to a degree bc dieting and loosing weight has been on my mind since preschool#it's sad af#i remember looking down at my stomach and thinking that i need to loose some weight#i remember how sad i was the next couple of days bc i couldn't restrict myself from eating as easily as i could in the past#i was probably 5 fucking years old but at this point is a core memory of mine#i wish i could love eating again as much as i did#but i can't#whatever is wrong with my head has messed with my appetite so badly that i can't go back#diet culture has convinced me that gaining weight is bad even though I'm underweight and need to#but same as the last time this happened i don't do it on purpose this time at least I'm self aware enough to stop it before it reaches the#point of starting to loose my hair#it's messy and complicated i don't know how to fix it but their response doesn't help either it makes things worse
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bewby · 1 year
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the urge to be seen so badly but also terrified of being perceived because you're always on edge because you are so convinced everyone will turn around to reject you anyway ALL The time because you're inherently annoying and unlikable 👍🏻👍🏻 i hate living like this i hate being so afraid of being judged for everything i hate knowing people see me but i also want to be seen so badly because i want friends and i want to be happy and not lonely. my brain is aboutto fucking explode oh my God
#everytime i see people i find cool i just am like. you would never truly deeply like me. and maybe that's ok but i wish i could be someone#who's smart and witty and cool too but i'm not i'm just a people pleaser and i have no personality of my own because all my life i just#used up all my time to escape my parents bullshit which explains the chronically online-ism. i'm fucking EMBARASSED about my entire existenc#i know life comes with like rejection and people will not always like you but how do i deal with that and how do i deal with these#conflicting feelings of like. wanting to be seen but also terrified of it. jdshshhs#there's so many layers to this i recognize how alot of this wanting to be seen stuff is because of my ex too because he had a crush on me#without us even knowing eachother personally like he liked me for just existing and then he loved me like. unconditionally even After he#got to me know alot and it's like. i can't fucking believe that that is even possible with someone like me and i'm 100% sure he just had a#savior complex like yes he loved me and he loved me despite that savior complex but like. i think people can only like me because they feel#bad for me. they don't actually like me as in like. who i am. what i like what i post about#i know i have friends on here who like me but i know all of you wouldn't like me if you talked to me more because i just .#think that i'm deeply unlovable and it's so bad to say that especially because i blame myself for struggling with bpd and adhd and like#i can be liked despite being likr this. despite being mentally ill obvioisly i love my friends and they're all mentally ill#but i feel like i'm a different case because i just feel like i'm so lost and i have nothing special about myself HDJDVSVSBJYY#okay. i'll stop i'm so fucking sad
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criscura · 4 months
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#i wish i could have the self confidence to like..... enjoy oc/ships and self insert and shit like that#even dating sims i have to imagine it's someone else entirely#it's not me being snide i just literally could not imagine anyone interesting enough to have a series made about them choosing me#like i just...... can't stand myself so much that having characters like that show interest in me completely shatters the illusion#and when people i know have read things i make and know intimately why i wrote it like that#i don't like it anymore because they can see me in it so I can't see anything else#i think relationships might even be really hard because i cannot explain the extent to which i fucking HATE#*****HATE*****#all past versions of myself#and the idea that other people have seen them and watched me grow......#just the idea of that of people watching me grow often physically hurts#I'm okay being undone in my own presence#but i think there's a huge part of me that would rather not exist at all if people have to see me half-finished#and you're never finished so like. I'm basically always just opening the door a crack and reaching out.#the idea of a single person knowing everything about me makes me want to#it's so awful i can't conceive it that's miserable that's worse than anything#that's worse than being alone i think#as bad as that hurts i think having one other person know me in and out would be like getting put in DIP from who framed Roger rabbit#if i can't hide i can never ever ever EVER feel safe#man i wish i had even a little bit of self confidence fuck#it's totally gone. there's so much i want to do and then i realize I'm the one who's doing it and i lose interest#i wish i could do anything that I'm fully she completely proud of and not have that be shattered the moment i try to share it#and not have to wait years sometimes to forget the shame and just appreciate the thing.....#i wish i could fully enjoy something without getting hung up on the fact that it was me who made it#and be mortified at the idea that i ever thought it was truly great#gosh this makes no sense I'm just. i haven't had any self esteem for years and it's just not coming back and it's getting to the point#where it's crippling me. like i don't want to go to sleep because i don't want to wake up to start the cycle of disappointing myself again#i try SO FUCKING HARD every single DAY and i always let myself down#and it's been this way for minimum six months but i think closer to a year#i just want to think i can achieve anything anymore
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mycelium-bf · 9 months
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vent// dysphoria tw
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imwritesometimes · 1 year
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ok I take it back. I take it all back. I wish I could write rn. I wish I could get a cohesive idea and form even a simple plot. I wish I could conjure up an entire scene even. Where'd that bitch go? I'm so bored and have nothing to do but confront the depresh spiral all night ✌️🥴
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zincbot · 1 year
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robot body when
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denizenhardwick · 1 year
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also there's a possibility that i might have had pots even before i got covid, covid just made it way worse and forced me to recognize and take my symptoms seriously. and looking back, a lot of stuff makes a hell of a lot more sense through that lens.
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airenyah · 2 years
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when you know a thing or two about acting so you go completely feral over scenes that the fandom wouldn't even think twice about
#this post is inspired by the bbs ep 4 scene where ink fixes pat's hair during the photoshoot#all of you don't even KNOW#thing is... i can't even explain it properly bc i learned all the acting terms in german#like. how do i talk about things such as spielrichtung or sprechrichtung or haltung in english?#how do i say words like anspielen or zergehen or auspielen in english?#and even IF there are things that i think i could maybe express in english#(i suppose i could use the word urgency to get my point across when i'm trying to talk about dringlichkeit)#like even IF i could find some words....#it doesn't mean that people will understand what i mean (or even see it at all) when i say things such as#''nanon sends really well in that newspaper game scene from ep 6''#like. it took 3 years of drama school for me to see these things#and only bc i had one specific teacher for whom it was important to make us see these things as well#and who'd make a point of us giving feedback (of us learning how to give feedback) in every single class#plus i grew up with a mother who also knows a thing or two about acting#who'll point out things actors do whenever we watch a show together#so i can't expect people to really Get™ or see what i mean. bc i KNOW how hard it is to understand if you haven't done it yourself!!#even after 3 years of drama school i still get confused sometimes when my mom is like ''did you see how [artist/actor] does [thing]??''#ooof this is one of those moments where i wish english was my native language just so i could express myself better on the internet#airenyah plappert#all of these ramblings just to say#that ep 4 hair fixing scene makes me go feral just bc of ohm's spielrichtung in that moment#seine spielrichtung is da so komplett nach hinten und auch irgendwie nach innen und er spielt milk da so gar nicht an#es ist soooo guuuut#vor allem im vergleich zu wie er dann nanon anspielt. zb in ähnlichen szenen so wie die ep 4 nivea product placement szene (my beloved <3)#and like!!! those two moments happen in the exact same episode even and there is such a difference and it just!!!! makes me feel insane#ich mein in der nivea szene da geht alles nach vorn da spielt er so stark nach vorne da sendet er so stark richtung nanon ich packs nd??#i still don't understand why people where worring about ink x pat being a thing after ep 4 aired just bc of the hair fixing bc like!!#the difference in ohm's acting is just so. so...!! it's so obvious. (when you know how to Look)#there's just no way pat is in love with ink#there's just so much i could say about ohmnanon's acting but i just don't have the words in english
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gay-gothic-ghoul · 4 days
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Been dwelling on the fact that all the things I keep hidden from my family is a wishlist of what I dream my mother would understand. Y'know how it is ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯
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kalloway · 1 month
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Are you ever gonna go back to writing jjba on ao3? Honestly I keep rereading all of them to this day and your writing is the best thing I’ve ever come across to.
Hey, Anon! I really appreciate that ur reading my fics even now (and re-reading, too??), honestly... way more than I can say <3 I wish I had a better answer for you though. I'd honestly love to go back to writing for JoJo, but my heart's really with OC stuff these days (oc x canon) and I, frankly... can't convince myself my ideas are worth writing even just for me. U know, perpetual battle against non-existent self esteem? hahaha I won't promise anything but DO know I think about it quite often, and I really miss being invested in JoJo like I used to be tbh! So again: the interest is extremely appreciated, I'm just sorry I can't give a more positive answer ^^;
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sensitivegoblin · 4 months
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Vent
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love-filled-doll · 4 months
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i love him so much btw
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