who calls the crystal maiden?

i really wanna see how you draw springtrap, if you're willing to tackle that

he's saying hi :)

post fall bucky having a fear of heights?? ive always thought that he'd be afraid of heights, like he wasnt afraid of it at all before his fall, go ask steve. but after falling?? he tries to hide it from steve, how scared he is.. and steve, bless his poor soul, he blames himself for not realizing sooner, he thinks he shouldve known, he couldnt possibly have. hes always seen bucky as this brave courage man, and bucky didnt want to ruin steve's image of him worse than he already think he did. and oh my fucking god

THE POST PLANE CRASH STEVE BEING AFRAID OF TIGHT SPACES?? BECAUSE IT BRINGS HIM BACK TO FEELING THE COLD SEEP IN THROUGH HIS VERY BONES WHILE HE GETS CRUSHED BY ALL THE WATER, ICE, AND DEBRIS?? DONT GET ME STARTED OH MY GOD

HONEY I FEEL LIKE YOUR LEVEL OF CRUELTY TOWARDS ME SPECIFICALLY IS REACHING DANGEROUS LEVELS HERE

but I get it, I getchu hon, sometimes we just gotta put the blorbos in a Situation™, that's how we roll.

but holy shit 😭😭😭

I mean god, Bucky-

imagine how tough it must be for him, every time they're on a mission, 'cause he's first and foremost a sniper, isn't he? and for him, that often involves perching on the roof of really high buildings, and keeping as still as possible for as long as necessary - and above all, keeping a steady hand, because what is a sniper supposed to be if not precise and lethal and reliable?

and factor in all the other possible contingencies, too! like having to bolt if he's spotted by the enemy, and having to climb back down in a rush. or helping chase after the bad guys from rooftop to rooftop. or when, god forbid, they have to jump out of a plane and parachute themselves to a certain site.

it's an absolute nightmare for Bucky, but he just keeps trying to tough it out, right? grit his teeth, push through even when his flesh palm is clammy with sweat, even when his stomach is churning and his legs feel like jelly, even when his hands start shaking despite his best efforts to hold them still. it's scary and mortifying all at once, and he can't bring himself to say anything about it to anyone, especially to Steve. because he knows Steve would try to suggest he take it easy and stay behind, while Steve himself is out there risking his neck, and the very notion makes Bucky feel sick.

so he's just desperately hanging in there, right?

until something happens. he's dizzy, his hands are shaking too bad, he flubs a shot, Steve almost gets killed because of it. Bucky snaps. this is the last straw. he's done.

I mean, imagine how it must tear. him. apart. how horribly it must hurt him to admit to himself that he can't go on like this anymore. because on the one hand, fuck it all to hell, he's supposed to be by Steve's side! watch his six, protect him, make sure he makes it home in one piece! it's what Bucky's been doing ever since they were kids, it's a fundamental part of who he is! to even imagine letting Steve walk into a fight alone - no, not 'alone', without Bucky - is unthinkable. it's like denying himself a basic need. like denying who Bucky is, what he feels he was born to do, a biological imperative.

but. on the other hand, the thought of putting Steve in danger, of Steve getting hurt (or worse) because Bucky couldn't do his job properly, is even more unbearable.

Steve counts on him, trusts him with his life - as he should be able to do, if they're going to be a team - but how can Bucky allow that anymore, now that he can't even trust himself? how can he be what Steve needs, if he's going to let him down when Steve needs him the most? how would he ever forgive himself if something happened to Steve because of him?

he barely holds himself together until they get home, and then he just, he breaks down. stumbles over to the couch, crumples in on himself, trembling, pale like a ghost, taking in big gulps of air like he'll drown otherwise. telling a worried Steve, who's crouching next to him in a heartbeat, "I can't do this anymore".

now Steve, he had noticed that something was off for a while now, and Bucky's words just confirm what he already suspected. he thinks, of course Bucky's sick of this, of course he doesn't want to fight anymore - god knows he's got plenty of reasons to want to leave all this shit behind.

Steve could never imagine what the actual issue is, here - not until he's trying to tell Bucky that it's his right to retire if that's what he wants, that of course Steve supports him, and Bucky interrupts him to confess, in between sobs, where exactly the problem lies, and how he fears he's no longer fit to accompany Steve on missions, 'cause he'd risk becoming a liability rather than backup.

CUE A WHOLE SHITTON OF FEELS because fuck, how long has Bucky been feeling this way, and how did Steve not realize it sooner, and the way Steve's face twists with guilt when he wonders where this fear of heights might come from, and gives himself the most obvious amd most fucking heartbreaking answer, and Bucky can tell that he's hurting and blaming himself and they're just BOTH hurting and blaming themselves and hfgskfjskks HONEY WE'RE SPEEDRUNNING THROUGH ALL THE STAGES OF GRIEF HERE HELP

no, but. they're gonna have an honest conversation about this, okay? painful, yes, but also liberating. they're going to air out some of that hurt, and actually let it heal out in the open for once.

I figure there's gonna be lots of bargaining first, on both parts, like Bucky arguing that he could still fight, just maybe stick to the ground instead, and Steve telling him that he doesn't have to, and really he'd be happier knowing that Bucky's safe at home and not forcing himself into dangerous situations, and Bucky grumbling 'cause oh how the tables have turned, and just, you know, trying to find a way to compromise.

I think, maybe this is how Steve first starts to really, genuinely consider retiring, himself. like, not just picturing it in a distant, wistful way, oh wouldn't it be nice if we could do that, etc - but really, really entertaining the idea. letting himself plan it out. talking about it with Bucky, even with Sam and Nat, giving himself the chance to consider another kind of life. after all, there are plenty of battles to fight in the world, and not all of them require fists and guns, right? and if he can fight those battles too alongside Bucky, then so much the better 💖

CLAUSTROPHOBIC STEVE THOUGH OMG

somehow the first thing that comes to mind is that one scene from CATWS, when he and Nat find Zola's computerized ass and he blows up the building, and they're stuck in a tiny hole under all the rubble until Steve gets them both out. I CAN PICTURE ONLY TOO VIVIDLY HOW FUCKING SCARY THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR HIM, OH MY GOD

as somebody who shares that kind of phobia, may I submit to you one of the most obvious, most mundane monsters he might face: ELEVATORS. especially of the narrow, non-see through kind, where you're literally locked inside a metal box until it releases you from that torment. IF IT DOES. like honey the anxiety is real af okay

in the spirit of putting the blorbos in a Situation™, please picture them both in an old-fashioned elevator.

Steve hasn't mentioned his fear to Bucky, he's just been lucky so far, so he didn't have to bring it up. but the stupid thing is so slow, and the space inside is so small, and sure, Steve never minded being in Bucky's close proximity, but he can't stop thinking about getting the fuck out of there asap.

at some point the fucking thing stops, and oh good god they're stuck inside, and it's gonna take a while for help to come.

and Bucky, sweet, horny, unsuspecting Bucky, just makes a little joke about knowing just how they could pass the time until then, wink wink. he crowds Steve back against the already narrow wall, starts sucking languid kisses into Steve's neck-- and Steve's frozen, breathing in quick shallow breaths that could be mistaken for gasps of pleasure, holding onto Bucky with an iron grip because he can feel himself spiraling into panic, heart racing wildly, eyes darting from wall to wall like he can see them rapidly closing in on him, suffocating him, squeezing him in--

and it takes a moment for Bucky to realize what's really going on, but when he pulls back and sees Steve so terrified, hyperventilating and about ten seconds away from passing out, he switches into Protective Boyfriend mode like *snaps fingers*

he's like, "sweetheart, what's wrong?", and the second Steve gasps "out, I need to get outta here, now", Bucky springs into action and pries the elevator's door open with his bare hands, helping Steve climb out (the next floor was already into view) and following suit.

of course they're gonna talk about it (and realize that they should maybe stop hiding their respective fears from each other), and from then on... yep, they stick to stairs <3

trying to put my (mostly) child kaeya headcanons in one spot. brace yourself this is gonna be so long

first i think he was around 8 years old when he was left in mondstadt.

before that he lived with his father always moving from place to place. or maybe... i dont know honestly. they didn't live in khaenri'ah (whatever's left of it) because i like the idea that kaeya is the last hope for a place he's only heard stories about. for people he has barely met. and he yearns for it all the same, enough to run away as a stowaway on a ship just for the slim chance he'll get to meet it, to return to a place he only knows through other people's memories... yeah it's a thought i like to entertain. so anyway i dont know where exactly kaeya lived before my headcanons for this are really vague lmao. im torn between making him be raised in some corner of teyvat, or somewhere very abyss touched, or... a secret third thing i dont yet know...

i think his mother died when he was so young he has barely any recollection of her and it haunts him a bit. he cant remember what she looked like. to have an idea he can just look in a mirror though. he's her spitting image.

unsure about siblings... i think he didnt have any

i dont think his father was abusive. neglectful maybe. he was really awful at the father job but mostly because of how emotionally distant he was. he never hit kaeya or went out of his way to be cruel to him, he was just very stern. kaeya was a child who didn't really know comfort. all his basic needs were met, but his father just wasn't the type to hug or say words of encouragement, to calm him down from nightmares, to soothe a fever beyond just bitter medicine and leaving kaeya laid down on the cot alone. i think the closest they ever got to that sort of connection was when he taught kaeya their clan's history, which we know he did from canon. that piece of paper where the handwriting shows an adult guiding a child's hand on the paper makes me. Feel Things. he was not a soft man or a good father by any means but. *gestures vaguely*

and you know what. i think he loved kaeya in his own way. which is to say that he loved kaeya more as a means to an end than as a son. or maybe not. maybe leaving kaeya was more difficult for him than i give him credit for. i cant really decide. either way 2/10 for effort his parenting sucked and left deep scars in this poor poor child BUT he was not a heartless asshole is what im trying to say

anyway kaeya has very bittersweet very mixed feelings about him. he left his own son all alone in an unfamiliar land for unclear reasons. placed a burden nobody should ever have to carry on the shoulders of a child. he never embraced him or told him he loved him. but at the same time we see kaeya in game trying to understand his father's motivations for abandoning him there. that maybe a happier life could have been a factor. his safety. assuming this is, like, true. i headcanon that it is. it's not the entire reason by far. but it could have been part of it. maybe that's called "wishful thinking". we'll find out one day i hope

i don't really know what to make of the entire "you're our last hope" thing. as in, what exactly does that entail. what did his father tell him. im just kinda waiting patiently for them to actually tell us what's up. i can tell you it was a ridiculous amount of pressure on kaeya though. he might have been mature for his age and forced to grow up faster than he should have but a lot of it was simply beyond his comprehension. like, that's an entire seven year old child. he shouldve been playing with toys. anyway. kaeya who has felt guilt as his standard everyday main emotion since he was little

i think kaeya's father taught him to speak, read and write in common, so kaeya could understand people pretty well when he was left in mondstadt and could read basic stuff

an extension of this headcanon: i think each region has their own language besides just common tongue, and that in general people can speak both, especially in the big cities, while in rural areas people will probably only speak the region's mother tongue. i read a mutual's headcanon like this once and it rewired my brain so i borrowed it. also common varies from place to place because there are different dialects from mixing with the nations' other languages. to make it fun!

so when kaeya gets to mondstadt he can't speak mondstadtian specifically but he can speak common and the ragnvindrs can all speak both. eventually as he stays there kaeya learns mondstadt's language and loses the accent (a very conscious effort from his part)

more on the accent: if you listen closely to him nowadays, some word or other still sounds odd, maybe too stiff, the way he rolls his tongue on certain letters- but it's very subtle

kaeya hasn't spoken his mother tongue in so long he inevitably has forgotten certain things, and he was so young when he stopped speaking it that there are things he simply never learned. i think this haunts kaeya sooo bad. he's someone who's always trying to keep little pieces of his past, of things that have a lot of emotional value for him; he's someone who values memories, in particular physical, tangible pieces of memories. and we see him do this with his roots, like adding khaenri'ahn symbols and motifs to his outfits, saving slips of paper written by his father about his family's story, etc..

so anyway the fact he's forgetting bits and pieces of his mother tongue makes him grasp desperately at whatever's still left of it in his memory. i wonder if he writes what he can om scraps of paper, or maybe an actual notebook; i wonder also if he did similar things as a child too? though it's something he'd have to keep insanely well hidden and the paranoia about someone finding it out would absolutely eat him alive

okay back to his childhood. when he's taken in by the ragnvindrs i think he's very quiet and only speaks when spoken to. he is so unfathomably scared and lonely and everything is terrifyingly unfamiliar but any genuine manifestation of fear and anxiety and homesickness is saved for the dead of night when everyone's asleep and won't see/hear him cry. he keeps to himself, acts very polite, doesn't bother anyone with asking for help or for anything beyond what he's already been offered.

diluc was very happy about having another kid his age living under the same roof and almost immediately saw him as a little brother and kaeya simply could not match the enthusiasm. they took it as him just being shy, and to an extent that was part of it, but also he simply did not want to be there at all. no matter how wonderfully kind those people were to him, kaeya missed his father and his mother and the homeland he didnt even know in person but that was his biggest responsibility. it was such an enormous change and he missed the familiarity so much it made him ill. like literally. i think he spent his first or second week with the ragnvindrs bedridden

im very fond of the hc that kaeya took ill easily as a child.

kaeya had nightmares often. i absolutely cannot see him asking for comfort in any direct way. most of the time he'd just hold his own hand through it. other times he'd slip out of bed and see there was still light coming from the study. he'd sit on an armchair next to crepus, who already knew kaeya would hardly ever speak about what was making him upset, and watch him work until he fell asleep again.

i think kaeya was a very scrawny kid who looked a bit younger than he actually was. next to diluc (who im always torn between making just seven months older than him, or a year and seven months older) he seemed even tinier. while diluc was the picture of a healthy boy, all full red cheeks and bright eyes, kaeya was too lean, eyes too tired, sometimes distant, like he's not entirely present, lost in thought. you could see a sadness in him sometimes that seemed deeper than anything a child his age should know. kaeya was quiet not just because he didn't speak a lot, but because he seemed to exist silently. if he disappeared to be alone for a while and didn't want you to find him, you would not find him.

and anyway. i like the idea of him slowly allowing himself to be louder as he becomes more comfortable with the ragnvindrs. and revealing his more sarcastic side lol. he's always been quick witted, he was just too timid at first

child kaeya who was such a weird kid. he spoke in a way that often lacked the childishness expected from someone who's yet to turn nine. said odd cryptic things with zero explanation. banned from sharing bedtime stories after scaring diluc with overly fucked up khaenri'ahn folk tales. normalest child alive. i think he bit into a crystalfly once

oh and kaeya absolutely came up with the whole "i come from a family of pirates" thing as a kid. i think he read about pirates in a book once and was completely enamored with the idea. and one side effect of being a secret agent pawn spy is the ability to spin wild tales on the spot. so anyway did he convince diluc he was toootally a pirate. yes. diluc believed him for way too long

no wonder he's so good at telling stories to kids nowadays. he's had practice

about the eyepatch: i can never settle on just one headcanon!! option one: his eye was fine as a kid and he only wore it sometimes for the pirate roleplay, then he started wearing it everyday after The Fight because diluc wounded him; option two: he always wore the eyepatch because there is something abyss/khaenri'ah related going on with his right eye (don't ask me what exactly. though im fond of the idea that it's connected to his father and it's basically what allows him to fulfill the spy role, in some nebulous way.) and during the fight diluc aimed for it on purpose; there's probably a secret third option im forgetting about. i lean more towards option one these days i think.

okay im out of headcanons for now. i bet that the moment i click post im gonna remember ten more. but its ok. i can make another post if needed. never forget that i can speak about kaeya for literal hours and that, if prompted, i will do so

the list that makes me and @dentist-brainsurgeon mortal enemies from now on i guess

extremely lengthy explanations under the cut:

i actually think the S+A tier speak for themselves?

S tier: the goats. im aware its full of third versions but they just happen to be extremely good and added some insane shit to already solid base games (ok diamond and pearl werent solid but the foundation was there). replayability is insane for these.

A tier: the Oh Fuck Yeah games. not in any particular order actually. hgss is absolutely the best remake of all, only held back by the few inherent flaws of the Johto region and by not emulating Crystal enough. as much as i like bw, reverting back to only one region of pokemon never sat right by me, but it's been a while since ive played it, and nowadays i make much more of an effort to try out all new mons. so i could change my mind on this.

i liked usum more than sun/moon, if only for the post game. replayability isnt as high because of the cutscenes every 3 steps, and rotom dex is annoying as shit. aside from that, insanely solid story & postgame imo. red/blue and gold/silver are brimming with weird places in their regions and are chock full of in game lore and legends, which i really like. the ruins of alph & pokemon tower are some of the best locations theyve ever made imo

B tier is the "good but couldve been better" tier. lets go is insane for shiny hunting, but it stops at that imo. the new rival is garbo. sun and moon are good, but the postgame + alola in general is just lacking enough in these games that they dont reach A tier for me. loveeed the island challenges tho. alola itself has just such a good vibe. you really feel like its about community rather than competition. legends arceus couldve been insanely good, but i have never felt as ripped out of a pokemon game as i did when i walked through that cave in the coronet region and started seeing stray pixels around my character. which wasnt a one time thing btw this happens to anyones game & every time as far as ive seen. its gonna sound dramatic but this combined with other graphics glitches made it so clear i was playing a game that it just took me out of the adventure entirely. this is where the graphics glitches really started, and they havent stopped since.

C tier: yellow is just kinda there? i dont care for starter pikachu. i want to, but it gets killed when breathed at, so. idk. the gimmick doesnt work that well for me. sword and shield introduced some insane mons that i love and i want to call it solid real bad, but the story was hot garbage even for pokemon standards, and while the wild area was a great idea, the execution was lacking & because what i assume is a time crunch, the towns were boring as shit as well. diamond & pearl are mediocre to bad, with a great story and mediocre to bad execution, and i shouldve put oras in the :( tier, but the postgame is worth it.

actually im gonna rant about oras. i was so hyped for it but, just, ugh. if youre gonna turn a 2d vague not-specified-what-a-character-is-doing-or-feeling player character to 3d, at least do it correctly. 2d sprites where someone can fill in the blanks not seen on screen but hinted at in text (ie expressions, actions like handing someone something) work infinitely better than 3d sprites who show it badly. also still suffers from the desaturation curse that the 3ds games suffer from. postgame was dope, though. shame the mega latis are ugly as shit.

:( tier: garbage, im so sorry. SV's only redeeming factor is the area zero story. there is nothing else in the game that held my attention. fuck the star team, fuck the big pokemon quests, fuck the towns where you cant talk to anyone or find anything interesting or walk into a house and where every shop looks the game. fuck stores not even having an interior anymore. fuck this larger but emptier and stripped down world full of graphical glitches. fuck the weak ass gyms, fuck geeta, and fuck terrastalizing most of all. i will die for Koraidon & the professor fight fucking ruled but that's all the game had to it for me. do any of yall remember the gym leaders besides like, iono and the snowboard man? no you dont, stop lying to me. gen I put more life into lavender town by making a npc reference some ghost hand on your shoulder than SV does for any town, and they only had black and white 32mb cartridges or whatever to work with. for fucking shame gamefreak. give your devs some time to make a halfway functioning game.

firered and leafgreen do nothing new. i will not discuss the sevii islands. what the fuck even was that. boring. same with brilliant diamond and shining pearl. theyre lower than diamond and pearl because why the fuck did they not decide to remake platinum. what the hell was their damage. seriously platinum was RIGHT there. i caught a full odds shiny ghastly in that game and i still dont care about it.

X&Y suffers from. everything.

thoughts on something borrowed (2011) ^_^

okay hi im 6 hours late because im busy as a whale but see i Liked this movie is the thing. it was horrible it was so bad but i was watching it at 9pm and i was so fascinated by how bad it was that i even Liked it a little bit. like i said it was like a car crash. absolutely terrible but i couldnt bring myself to look away. okay so get this there's these two best friends rachel and darcy and the second one is about to get married. The thing is that they are first of all the trope where it's like loser nerd girl who's never socially achieved anything & blonde slaygirl who's annoying and self centered but also weirdly cares in her own way and also fucks everyone. Ok. so darcy is about to get married to this guy dex and she and him go to a party to celebrate rachel's 30th birthday. and then rachel and dex are left alone and he does some shit and she goes this is why i had a crush on you in law school ... and then they MAKE OUT? AND FUCK? LIKE JUS T SUDDENLY JUST LIKE THAT LIEK HUHHHH? HELLO? it's like ok i get you're drunk but seriousy how can you do this to your best friend when she's getting married in a few days. But whatever. AND THE WORST THING IS DEX IS THE MOST WHITE BREAD BORING ASS GUY LIKE THERE IS NOTHINGGGGGG ABOUT HIM THAT MAKES DOING ANY OF THIS WORTH IT he';s literally just. there. and then basically they continue doing fuckall for 2 hours and all rachel does is get mad that dex is still with darcy (?? what is he supposed to do he's supposed to get married to her) and she tries to make him jealous constantly and it's so dumb. ESH you are all horrible people. which is to say darcy spends the whole time slaying and being a self absorbed cunt like always but then in the second half of the movie we also find out she's been cheating on dex??? WITH THE GUY WHO SHE THOUGHT RACHEL WAS WITH ????? and then it turns out she got PREGNANT from him????? SO THEY BOTH CALL OFF THE WEDDING?????????? but then darcy realizes rachel has been fucking dex and she gets SO mad she's like I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU even though 2 seconds ago she was like lol yea it's fine no more wedding i don't think it was working out. and im pregnant from another dude anyways lol haha WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FUCKED DEX? anyways. if you even care rachel had a best friend who was helping her through all of this and supporting her and he was always trying to push her to do what he wants. and they gave like 0 romantic vibes EVER but then out of the blue at the end of the movie he goes Well i like you. and rachel is like oh lol well sorry im too into thjis white dude who is too much of a pussy to do anythiung ever regarding our relationship. and her bestie is like ok. AND I WAS SO BAFFLED BY THIS ROMANTIC REVEAL BUT AT THIS POINT ? THEY SHOULDVE GOTTEN TOGETHER BECAUSE THAT DUDE PUT SO MUCH MORE EFFORT IN THAN DEX EVER DID ADN HE WAS ALSO LESS BORING AND ACTUALLY HAD A PERSONALITY. ok. and then the movie ends and rachel and dex are together and it's like yayyy!!! BUT WHO FUCKIGN CARES THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS SO BORING AND STUPID . LITERALLY ESH YOU ARE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE DONT LET ANYBODY ELSE GET INVOLVED INM YOUR RELATIONSHIP. great movie it was making my face contort with expressions previously unknown to human biology

omg zanna!!!

firstly omg babe congrats on 1.5k!!!! youre growing so fast :( secondly the fics you rec-d had me dying (ftom cuteness ofc) amd just omg :( ty and thirdly youre really adorable!!! ofc i look up to you have you seen your blog???? babe your writing has me crying into my pillow at (exactly) 4:02 am. But genuinely the way you write is just so <3!!!! Its really really comforting. Im really envious because anything i write sounds like a first grader write it (in a happy im proud of you way!!) and ofc dw abt it that was def my fault shouldve thought that through but yeah ofc you can call me sprout!!! Also again omg zanna 1.5k!!!! and for the event how many groups do you like (this includes casually stanning too) and omg tws!!!! ( My children :( ](so idk but whenever i stan a new group automatically four positions form in my head: (idk im weird) of theres the two basic, bias and bias wrecker/s and then theres emotionally closest to and special place in my heart so ig my question is for like all or any of your fav kpop groups whod you put where?) Happy valentines day!! Happy carat day!!

-🌱!!!

SPROUT!! i get so happy when i see you in my inbox eskdjks

omg i'm glad you enjoyed them 🥹 i wish i could've gotten some more but my tumblr is always dry except for moot fics and i don't read much nowadays 💔 except for real books damn...

WHAT NO WAY MY WRITING MADE YOU CRY??? 🤨🤨🤨🤨 but thank you :(

i'm sure its much better than you think sprout :( and believe it or not, everyone starts out writing like a first grader, but the more you practice the better you become!!! and you can also put in effort to try to learn techniques and stuff but i'm too lazy for that tho i do def want to improve my writing style so we'll see :D

aww it's okay tho we're on good terms now!!! so don't worry abt that <33

okay how many groups do i like?

okay so txt, verivery, onf, victon, seventeen, astro, skz, the rose, enhypen, mcnd, newjeans, lucy, billlie, sf9, &team, red velvet, ive, bts, the boyz, viviz, n.flying, xdinary heroes, xg, boynextdoor, le sserafim, mamamoo, p1harmony, riize, wei are kinda the groups i can say i stan

got7, ateez, shinee, pentagon, nct (all units), are groups i casually enjoy and know the first 3 esp pretty well for members as well!!

im enjoy a lot of soloists and i would love to get into some other groups that i listen to occasionally as well (cix, oneus, cravity, ace, e'last etc)

i'm also familiar w gidle, itzy, twice, oh my girl, akmu, blackpink, monsta x, aespa, nmixx, exo, zerobaseone, and some more but don't consider them to be on my stanlist yet

so i think i stan 29 groups, 15(ish) soloists, and know 16ish other groups rly well !!

who would you put in the positions bias, bias wrecker, emotionally closest to, and special place in your heart?

ooo that's a rly interesting question!! i'm gonna do it just for my ult groups i think... and maybe svt too skdjks since they were ults

so for txt

bias - taehyun bias wrecker - hueningkai emotionally closest to - soobin or taehyun special place - taehyun... KSJDKS

for onf

bias - yuto, minkyun bias wrecker - seungjun emotionally closest to - minkyun (he rly likes cats what can i say) special place - etion :( i love him so much

for verivery

bias - gyehyeon bias wrecker - yongseung emotionally closest to - hoyoung maybe? special place - minchan

and for svt bonus yayayay

bias - joshua, dk bias wrecker - wonwoo emotionally closest to - woozi special place - jun

happy valentines and carat day to you as well <33 sry i didn't get to answering this yesterday cause i was BUSY WITHOUT DEVICES RIP BUT WE'RE HERE NOW <33

butternut squash soup

recipe (more like a diary entry of how i made it lol) under the cut!! also warning this is not a quick recipe i started this whole process at like 2:30 and didnt finish the soup until abt 5:45 ish, didnt pull the bread out of the oven until abt 6:30. it was so worth it tho

Ok so basically i decided i wanted to make bread and butternut squash soup for dinner so i started by making the bread and followed this recipe. then while the dough was rising i started tackling the squash. i used a ~4.5 pound squash and started by cutting it in half and putting it in a bowl of water in the microwave for...idk six minutes each half? a bit more? just to make it softer. then i scraped out the guts and seeds (annoying and icky) and cut it into smaller pieces and peeled it with a carrot peeler. this takes a bit more effort than peeling carrots because the squash is hot and soft but also hard and weird and the skin is kinda thick. As i peeled each segment i cut them into smaller pieces and dropped them into a large pot on the stove to just kinda hang out on medium heat in a can of chicken stock, stirring each time i added more squash. i probs shouldve used vegetable broth but chicken stock is what i had so thats what i used.

once i added all of the squash (compost the skin btw!! i forgot to do that :/ ) into the pot, i squeezed a whole lemon into it. then i added like maybe five cloves of garlic cut into large pieces as well as some honey, cinnamon, cumin, lawrys seasoned salt, smoked paprika, lots of garlic powder and some cayenne pepper. stirred it again and then popped the lid on while i cut up two small onions. once i was done w the onions i rinsed out the bowl i originally microwaved them in and transferred the squash back into it.

i then put olive oil and a tiny bit of sesame oil (idk why) into the pan and let the onions fry up. to this i added: more cumin (fav spice ever <3), turmeric, herbs du provence (not sure what these are there just was a jar on the counter so i used it), and i also grated ginger into it. be careful not to let yr onions burn btw. Then once they looked like they had cooked down enough to fit into the bowl w the squash i put them in the bowl w the rest of the squash.

Next i made a béchamel sauce w coconut milk. i heated a can of coconut milk (obvs not the ACTUAL can i put it in a measuring cup and it came out to b abt 1 and 1/4 cups) in the microwave so it would be hot. then i put 2tablespoons of butter and 2tablespoons of flour in the pan. you gotta stir this constantly (its easiest if you use a whisk) so U dont accidentally make dumplings. once that starts getting thick and bubbling a little bit i added the coconut milk in increments, still whisking it the whole time. once that was done i lowered the heat so it wouldnt get curdled or dumplingy and added white pepper, sriracha sauce (first thing i saw when i opened the cabinet so i added it), more garlic powder and cumin bc i like those things a lot.

so then i finally added all the squash and onions back into the pot. i mixed it all in and then blended it w/ a handheld blender. if u dont have one u can just do all the squash ina food processor before adding it back to the pot and if you dont . Um try your luck with a potato masher i guess. EXCEPT i got scared while blending it on account of my pot was so wide and that meant the soup was just a BIT shallow. so i squoze a lime into it. that obviously wasn't enough and i added a bit more milk (cow milk, not coconut milk bc i didnt wanna open a whole nother can and i figured i had already put butter in it so who cares) and then blended it until it was smooth as i could make it. the blender pretty much made all the squash smooth but there were still unblended onions which personally i actually like.

then i finally tried it and it was soo fucking good oh my god.itwas so so worth it. i didnt use a recipe for this when i cook i just throw whatever into a pan and hope for the best but im writing it down bc i wanna make this again bc it was.very yummy.

anyway then i put a lid on the pot and let it hang out while i preheated the oven and baked the bread (which i also painted the crust w an eggwash and put a bit of salt on before sticking it in the oven) etc etc etc .

man people who racebend characters of color are REALLY showing their asses in how they think we're all interchangable and see us as a checklist for "Getting A Good Grade In Woke :)" rather than just... acknowledgment of the existing natural diversity of planet earth and the different ways people make life of it.

its insensitive to reimagine disneys tiana as asian, not because asian people dont face racism or cant enjoy cooking or didnt exist in 1920s new orleans- but because tiana is the first and still only black disney princess and was written and designed as such. her race informs and deepens her writing and her struggles, her love for her dad and specifically wanting to validate a jim crow era black man's sacrifices for his family, her connection to him and her community through her cooking when they all struggle to keep food on the table. similarly mulan shouldnt be rebranded as african american, not because black women couldnt exist in china or never crossdressed to join the army or dont face misogyny- but because mulan is a folk hero of historical chinese legend and as mulan, specifically cannot be divorced from that background. (also, frankly? the early white princesses arent really as well written for the most part, and their culture of origin is virtually never taken into account aside from visuals in their development, if that).

thats what ticked me off so bad about the monster high reboot. nb frankie was so cool and an asian draculaura was so fun but then they just... took away the black girl? and by extension, her sisters and thus ALL the black girls and like, dude not cool? nothing wrong with her being latina but being afrolatina is a different experience than being african american. afrolatinas deserve rep but that doesnt mean they shouldve taken clawdeen from african american girls. then there was some back and forth as to where specifically draculaura's family is from, and lagoona's origins vary from source to source dolls vs movie vs tv too and you just really feel the lack of effort and cohesion in the writing rooms. it really is just all just numbers on a chart, quotas to be filled there.

even with shows like winx where its ambiguous at times and kind of a raceblind take at others, theres so little for ANY of us that redesigning without that in mind becomes poaching. why would you take when ive been given so precious little? why would you want to change this one gift from people like me that lets me know i'm seen and loved? sure, other people deserve to have that too but if they want to borrow then take those who have so much they wont even miss it?

asdfghjkl sorry for the essay, i guess i had a breakthrough in how to put why this specific issue gets to me.

YESSS THANK YOU

Like it's so fucking weird to me!!! And GOD I wanted to say something about gen3 Clawdeen but I wasn't sure if I was "right" or if it was my place to say but exactly!! Being afrolatina is wonderful and they deserve representation too but it is still ultimately a different experience from being black american and they shouldn't have taken that away from black girls! I'm glad that mixed kids have her as rep now but they shouldn't have taken her away!! They very easily could've made a new character to fill that role instead!

AND YES to the winx point!! At the end of the day, it doesn't matter that some of the girls races or ethnicities are more ambiguous, they still have Canon races and people shouldn't be taking that away and giving it to someone else. That's not how representation works! Ever! Like if someone redesigned Aisha to be asian, that wouldn't make me happy or give me More representation. All that would be doing is taking away representation from black people! Same thing with Musa, Flora, Nabu, etc.

It also feels So fucking scummy when a white person's excuse is just that they Personally didn't see a character as their canonical race/ethnicity and that's why they changed it?? Like I don't give a shit if You personally don't see Nabu as an Indian man. That doesn't change his blatant coding. Same with characters like Flora who are more ambiguous. It doesn't matter if You Personally don't like her being Latina. She is. Fucking deal???

so like. gotta preface this by saying that i DONT ship steddyhands. but ages and ages there were a whole buncha posts (proabably more than those three) where i jokingly whined abt how all the steddyhands content i see gets stede's characterization wrong. and out of silly, petty, joking, well-meaning spite over a harmless fandom disagreement i was like "im going to write my own summary of a steddyhands fic of how it SHOULD go." but then bc i do not like izzy and i do not care about this ship i forgot about it for a long ass time. but i was clearing out my drafts and slapped a few more paragraphs onto it and now here's this fucking monster

this is by no means a completed fic. but by god is it way longer than any fucking summary should be. like it's literally 5k. this is a 5k summary of what would probably be like a 100k fic. someone kill me

———

so for starters, this would have to be THE SLOWEST of burns (and there's no way i'd put that much time and effort into a fic for a ship i don't even like, so that's why this post is all i'm gonna write). izzy has to go through so much change before stede would even think about izzy as anything more than "that asshole that ed keeps around for some reason" (and also before im comfortable with ed being vulnerable around izzy haha "i shouldve let the english kill you" conversation my detested)

izzy would have been in love with ed since they met (but he doesn't know it). he doesn't even let himself admit he's attracted to him. ed always knew that izzy was interested, but he didn't want to be wanted the way izzy wanted him (he's not gonna be izzy's daddy dom, basically). stede and the gang have stolen a new ship and have been chasing them down. meanwhile, the vibe on the Revenge has been mostly just... sad. not gratuitously violent or a living nightmare. they do raids and stuff, but everyone still surrenders at the sight of blackbeard's flag and ed is bored. he sits in his room either crying or drinking. the rest of the crew do normal boat stuff. izzy is like... aware that the energy is low. but he has no idea what to do about it so he pretends everything is fine.

so the story starts at the reunion. stede and his gang finally catch up to the Revenge while ed and his crew are getting their asses handed to them by some european navy ship, the french or spanish or something idc. stede's crew is able to turn the tide of the battle. in the middle of all the chaos, stede and izzy run into each other. stede demands to know where ed is, izzy says ed doesn't want to see him. they fight, both physically and verbally. lotta insults are thrown on both sides while they wave swords at each other. at some point they have their swords crossed and faces close, glaring and growling homoerotically at each other, but then they hear ed shout in pain. he gets shot or stabbed or something, and instantly izzy and stede are both working in sync together to save him. stede uses his new sailor muscles to carry ed while izzy clears a path to get back to the Revenge. ed, barely holding onto consciousness and delirious from blood loss, sees stede for the first time and is like, "you came back..." stede, of course, replies, "never left." ed laughs and calls him a liar. izzy is dying inside.

they get ed and everyone else back onto the Revenge, the crew reunites, lucius is alive, roach stabilizes ed's condition.

while ed is unconscious (which lasts like 2 or 3 days), it's unclear who is running the ship. izzy is ed's first mate, but stede's crew outnumbers ed's. the crew tries really hard to get stede to just throw izzy overboard, but jim (who's struck a weird friendship with izzy since the marooning where all they do is practice fighting and never talk abt their feelings ever), is like, "ed might be mad if he wakes up and we killed his first mate." and stede (even though it's clear that he also kind of wants to throw izzy overboard), is like, "ugh, i suppose jim is right... and he did help me save ed. let's wait for ed to wake up first before we make any rash decisions."

so izzy, realizing how precarious his situation is on the ship (and realizing that if ed wakes up and wants nothing to do with him, he's doomed), starts acting like a cornered rat, hissing and spitting at everyone all the time (except for jim, who keeps training with izzy in stoic silence). he's especially harsh to stede, talking abt how much ed doesn't want to see his face and insulting stede's masculinity and trying to get stede to leave before ed wakes up. stede snaps back a little bit, but mostly he just rolls his eyes and ignores him bc he's just focused on worrying abt ed. stede spends the nights sleeping in a chair next to ed. izzy tries to sneak into the cabin at night to kill stede at some point, but jim stops him and reminds him that everyone is just looking for an excuse to chuck him overboard

when ed wakes up, he and stede kiss and make up. stede initiates family therapy where the whole crew and ed air out their feelings about the marooning and have a heart to heart. touching dialogue is had. izzy is in the corner glaring and scowling and also freaking the fuck out the whole time, but he doesn't say anything. eventually the crew heads out to go. do pirate stuff idk. and then ed asks for stede and izzy to stay for a second.

he thanks izzy for saving him, then he's like, "listen izzy, we both know that this hardly the first time you've saved my life. you and i go way back. we were good mates once. do you think we could be mates again?" and izzy, through gritted teeth, watching stede out of the corner of his eye, is like. sure, boss. whatever you say. and ed is like "i want you two to get along. you're both important to me," and stede and izzy (glaring daggers at each other) are like. okay.

then ed is like "okay now just izzy alone" and stede is like "are you sure?" but eventually ed gets him to leave. and then ed gets more serious and he's like "izzy. if you kill stede. you will never see me again" and izzy is like "youre not gonna feed me more toes?"

and ed is like "no. i will leave you at the next dock. and then i will burn the whole world down. i will bring hellfire straight to london and wage war on that shithole of a country. i'll slaughter every naval soldier who tries to cut me down. and when im finally overrun, i will go down in a blaze of glory so spectacular that they'll tell stories of it for years to come, until the sun burns out at the end of the world. and you will have no part in it. you will be stuck on some tiny island here on the other side of the world and nobody will know or care who you are. that's what's going to happen if you do anything to stede."

izzy is shaking. he's like. alright. anything else? and ed's like "yeah. i'm sorry about your toe. won't happen again." and that actually makes izzy almost cry. that there's nothing he can do to make ed look at him like that again, all attention on him, putting him in his place. there's nothing he can take from ed to make ed pay attention to him. if he wants to be close to ed, he has to give something to him. something less tangible than his own toe.

(and izzy thinks what he gives to ed is his sword and his undying loyalty to his captain, to blackbeard. he doesn't understand, just yet, that ed already has a sword, and that ed doesn't want loyalty to blackbeard. izzy doesn't get that giving ed a break is more than enough for ed to want to keep anyone around)

so yeah. this threat works. izzy gives up on trying to kill stede.

so ed is still in recovery for like a month. he's not able to move around a lot, so he's just kinda lounging around the Revenge being grossly in love with stede. he's always in a robe + leather pants combo, tits out and vibing. the crew raids some ships, including a naval vessel that was caught off guard. ed doesn't go on the raids, obviously, and stede stays behind with him, and the rest of the crew members don't trust izzy enough to let him join them. the crew pull off a bunch of weird fuckeries and have some very successful raids, but every time they come back with furniture and books and fabric and stuff, izzy rolls his eyes and grumbles some shit about "real pirating."

during all of this, izzy keeps trying to get ed alone. his new strategy is to try and be buddy-buddy with ed and peer pressuring him into tough masculine pirate violence (which always worked for jack whenever he came around), and also just hope ed gets bored of stede. but stede is like, at ed's side 24/7. the only time that ed is alone is when he's taking naps in the captain's cabin (bc again, he's recovering from Ambiguous Wound With Vague And Innaccurate Medical Properties), and stede literally makes ppl guard the door to let ed sleep. when izzy runs into stede alone, stede tries to initiate friendly conversation for ed's sake, but eventually izzy says some shit like, "i've been by ed's side for years before you, and i'll be by his side for years after. he'll get bored of you, eventually." and also he insults stede's masculinity a bunch, obvi. stede just sighs and is like, "well, i tried," and then he just gives izzy the cold shoulder from then on out

one of the nights when he's training with jim, izzy just keeps getting his ass handed to him and eventually jim is like "goddamn, i get your heart is broken but you're really sloppy tonight" and izzy is like. WHAT. how dare you. i don't have feelings. and jim is like "buddy you haven't slept in a week." and izzy's like "how can i sleep when everyone on this fucking ship wants to kill me!" and jim's like, "i don't want to kill you." izzy rolls his eyes but he's like "thanks," then jim's like "yknow, if you stopped being such a dick they'd probably stop wanting to kill you" and izzy is like "oh so i should just do what all you guys do? sit around braiding each other's hair and having group therapy sessions and spilling my guts to everyone while i'm all wrapped up in a silk gown?" and jim is like. "buddy, do you see me spilling my guts in group therapy or wearing a silk gown?" and izzy's like, "okay, but you're not like the rest of them." and jim's like "you're right, i'm not. just like lucius isn't like the rest of them. or how the swede isn't like the rest of them. or fang, or ivan, or frenchie, or anyone else on this ship. we're all different people, man. we don't have a problem with differences. we have a problem with people who do have a problem with differences." izzy is like "the fuck does that mean." jim is like "yeah, i can tell you're gonna have a hard time wrapping your head around that one, so im just gonna go to bed now. same time tomorrow?"

the next night, ed doesn't come up with stede to listen to the bedtime story. while stede is distracted, izzy sneaks downstairs to finally talk to ed alone. ed is like. trying to prepare some kind of horny surprise for stede (lingerie, probably. something that's kinda feminine), so we get that avatar scene where zuko goes to talk to sokka and sokka thinks suki is the one who entered the tent (only ed is like, almost entirely naked and in the middle of prepping himself), and ed greets izzy like, "oh babe, you're back early! i was going to surprise you, but you can come here and help me finish getting ready~" or some shit idk. izzy is incapable of human speech for several seconds, and when ed realizes that this is not stede he very nearly dies of embarrassment. he covers himself up while izzy is just. choking on air. overcome with rage/lust/jealousy at the sight. he stands behind a chair to hide his absolutely raging boner

when ed's got one of stede's robes on he's like. haha. heyyyy buddy. haven't seen you around much. how have things been? and izzy is like. things have been great. super. im trapped on a boat full of people that want to kill me. ed is like, oh no, they're still going on about the killing you thing? maybe we should have stede mediate another group therapy session, i know laying everything out in the open really helped me get—

and izzy cuts him off like "how the fuck are you falling for this?" ed is like. "?" izzy continues, "you're letting everyone see you at your weakest! they're going to kill you!" ed is like ok they could've done that literally at any point while i was feverish in bed. or at any point since then, really, i'm not exactly at the top of my game right now. izzy's like, "they're gonna turn you in for a bounty!" ed is like bro they literally had the opportunity when we raided that british naval ship two days ago. izzy just starts working himself up into a frenzy while ed is like, calmly pointing out where izzy's logic is flawed, until eventually izzy says some demeaning shit about ed's masculinity, and ed's face cracks for a moment, then suddenly stede (back from storytime) literally APPEARS FROM NOWHERE and just. DECKS izzy. wrecks the little man's ENTIRE shit. breaks his fucking nose.

izzy is like. in shock. so is ed actually. (both of them are also. very turned on.) and stede is like "i've let you say this shit about me. but you do not get to say that shit to ed" (but like, better written and more in character, lol). stede then gives a whole speech where he is just letting out every bottled up response to all of izzy's insults for the past few weeks, talking abt "how dare you speak to ed that way, the only reason you're alive is because ed somehow still has fondness for you, even though you've done nothing to earn that fondness. if you really knew ed as well as you say you do, you should be happy to see ed opening up and becoming more comfortable with himself and his crew. ed enjoying fine things doesn't make him less of a pirate, he's still just as much the brilliant sailor he's always been. even now, while ed is recovering from his wound, he's been helping the crew read the weather and predict storms and plan raids, and all you've been doing is sulking around and making everyone miserable! i'm not going to have my men kill you, izzy, because ed still, for some reason, cares about you, but if you don't stop being such a prick, you can get the fuck off my ship the next time we head to port. now if you'd kindly fuck the hell off, im going to make love to my co-captain, who looks really good in that lingerie."

izzy leaves. is having a hard time having coherent thoughts. by chance he runs into jim, who's like, "hope you're ready to put up a better fight than you did last ni-hooooly shit what happened to your face?" and izzy is like. what? and jim's like "bro im getting roach stay here." and izzy just sits in the rec room (or wherever they are) until jim comes back with a very sleepy-looking roach, who takes one look at izzy's face and bursts out laughing. that's enough to get izzy to stop staring blankly, and he tries to snarl at roach, except that when he moves his face it hurts like fucking hell. and roach is like, "alright, alright, hoo boy! wish i could've seen whatever caused this." then he's like, "so i need to pop your nose back into place. it's gonna hurt like hell though, so i should probably go get some laudanum–" and izzy's like "no it's fine just do it." and jim's eyebrows raise and roach is like, "uh... are you sure?" and izzy's like "just fucking do it!"

so roach does and izzy screams through gritted teeth. then roach cleans his nose with rum or something, bandages it, gives izzy the rest of the booze, and goes back to bed, leaving jim and izzy there alone. izzy starts drinking. jim sits next to him and holds their hand out for the bottle, and then the two of them just drink in silence until the bottle is gone. then they go to bed without saying anything.

then izzy proceeds to have The Most Confusing Wet Dream Of His Entire Goddamn Life. he keeps seeing ed in lingerie, stede's face twisted in righteous anger, random flashes of stede fucking ed, izzy fucking ed in the lingerie, izzy wearing the lingerie and getting fucked by stede, izzy calling stede daddy, stede and ed fully clothed asking izzy to talk about his feelings, stede slapping izzy and spitting into his mouth.

izzy wakes up with the worst case of morning wood he's ever had in his life. he proceeds to have a very frantic masturbation session. as he's laying there afterwards, he keeps thinking abt ed in lingerie and stede breaking his nose. and he absolutely cannot wrap his head around the fact that ed bottoms. this is also the first time izzy's ever consciously thought about having sex with ed. he's literally been so repressed that for years he would just jack off to like, remembering the smell of booze in ed's beard or some pathetic shit like that. he'd think about, like, fighting with ed and getting pinned down and being totally at ed's mercy. but now when he thinks of those old fantasies, instead of ed pinning him down, it's stede?????

izzy stays in bed the whole day. nobody comes to check on him. he hears the sound of the crew going about their day, stede's voice calling out commands on the deck. he jerks off again at some point in the afternoon. night falls. he can't make out the words, but he can tell from the cadence of stede's voice at what point he starts reading to the crew, and at what point they all go to sleep. he waits for ten more minutes to pass, then he heads to the galley to get food.

jim is waiting literally right outside his door. izzy is not spooked at all (this is a lie).

jim's like "hey man, we never got to spar last night. let's go." izzy's like, "i haven't eaten anything all day." and jim's like, "so you're saying you can't take me?" and izzy snorts and follows them to go practice murdering people

jim very much goes easy on izzy, but izzy is too hungry and tired and confused (and horny) to care. they fight or whatever, jim wins every round, then they're like "man im starving, let's get a snack." the two of them go get food. after a while, jim's like, "so, what'd you say to piss stede off so bad?" and izzy's like, "how did you know it was him?" and jim laughs and says, "the knuckles on his right hand were bandaged up today, and he didn't seem too worried about you spending all day hiding in your room."

izzy takes a long drink and doesn't respond for a while. then he says, "you're dating the guy with the hat, right?" jim's like, "i'm the guy with the hat." and izzy's like, "you're a guy?" and jim goes, "ehh..." and tilts their hand side to side. izzy, deciding to move on, is like, "i mean the one with the orange hat. and the blue earring." and jim's like, "it's teal." izzy's like, "whatever." and jim's like, "yeah, we're dating. why?" izzy takes a minute before asking, "what do you like about him?" and jim is jokingly like, "dude, the whole reason i hang out with you is so i don't have to talk about feelings" and izzy, instead of laughing with them like he usually would, just kinda snaps, "would you just answer the question?" jim looks at his face for a long moment, assessing, then says, "i like that olu's kind. he cares about people so easily, i don't know how he does it. he's patient with me, even when i'm being difficult. he tells me when he's upset, but not in a mean way, just in a, like, 'i don't want to be mad at you, help me fix this' way. he can be really clingy sometimes, but he'll hold himself back if i ever need space. he just... accepts me. all of me. even the parts i don't accept."

and izzy is like. staring into space. and after a second jim says, "also he does this thing with his tongue where he–" and izzy is like "OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH THANKS." jim laughs at him a little bit. and after another long pause izzy's like, "you know they almost made him captain?" and jim smirks and is like, "yeah, i heard about that. when they almost threw you overboard?" and izzy's like "yeah. then." and jim says, "yeah, i'm not really surprised. like i said, he's good at caring for people. he'd make a pretty good captain." and izzy's like, "are you mad that he's not captain?" and jim shrugs and is like, "eh, i'm not one for politics." but izzy presses, like, "but he'd be in charge of the whole ship. he'd be the one telling everyone what to do. he'd have all the power here!" and jim's like, "hey man, i don't really give two shits about 'power.' im just trying to get by in this world. all i want is to hang out with my partner, throw knives at stuff, and sometimes watch my crew put on talent shows." and izzy, getting kind of frustrated, is like, "but doesn't it bother you that he's weak?"

before izzy realizes, jim has a knife against his throat and is glaring directly into his eyes. "i let you say a lot of shit to me, pendejo," they growl, "i let you talk shit about this crew, about my captain, about how none of my friends are real pirates. but you do not get to tell me that olu is weak." izzy's eyes are wide at first, but when jim finishes, he snorts and says, "look, he's not as bad as lucius or stede-" but jim cuts him off. "there's more to strength than having power," jim says. "there's more to being strong than just making everyone afraid of you. and whatever it is that you think makes stede and lucius weak" and izzy is like "i fucking knew you'd turn on me too. now everyone on this stupid fucking ship wants to kill me" and jim just gives him the flattest, most unimpressed look before just walking away. they say "get over yourself, izzy" as they go.

izzy goes to bed. has another wet dream. and when he wakes up he's like. fine. fucking fine. i'll try and find some way to live on this stupid fucking clown ship full of shitty pirates.

he apologizes to jim. jim just stares blankly and walks away, but then later is like "we're gonna spar tonight, right?" so izzy knows he's forgiven. he gives the most uncomfortable, gritted apology of his life to stede, and stede's like "oh, it's not me you need to apologize to. go speak to my co-captain." so izzy goes to the captain's cabin and ed is in his usual leathers and izzy is like. trying so hard to make himself apologize but he can't get the words out and eventually ed's like "it's fine, mate. i'll tell stede you apologized, okay?" and izzy's like. alright. thanks. and ed's like "you did kind of have a point, about if the crew wanted to mutiny" and izzy perks up like yes we're going to start running this ship the way real pirates do but then ed is like "yeah, stede wouldn't stand a chance. im still recovering, can you give stede sword lessons for me?"

izzy. does not want to give stede sword lessons. but ed's like "alright i guess i'll tell stede you didn't really apologize and you can get off at the next port. or you can just apologize for real." and izzy really has to think about it but eventually he's like. fine. i'll train your stupid fucking boyfriend.

ed watches for the first half hour of their first training session but someone's gotta captain the ship so from then on out it's just stede and izzy sword fighting in the jam room for a couple hours a day. this leads to angry sexual tension that builds and builds until they angrily make out. and stede is like freaked out bc he loves ed and he would never be unfaithful so he of course goes to ed and tells him about it thinking ed is gonna be heartbroken. but ed is like "i mean, it doesnt really sound like you want the same thing with him tho?" and i guess ed is like "wait if you top izzy i think that'd be kinda funny actually. also that sounds pretty hot. do you wanna top izzy? can i watch?"

so next time they do sword fighting practice ed watches and it escalates to horny shit and then when izzy's like trying really hard to hide his boner, stede is like "what do you say, darling?" and ed is like "pop the question, babe." and then they ask izzy if he'd be okay with stede fucking him while ed watches. izzy tries to bluster his way out of it but then ed is like "damn, was looking forward to it" and izzy is like. ok. fucking. fine.

and then it's really hot and everyone's into it. izzy hates that he's into it but for several days he keeps coming back for more (he tells himself he's only doing it bc it's the only time ed pays any attention to him but like... it's not just that). they do that for like a week or a week and a half. ed gives commentary the whole time, mostly just talking about how hot stede looks. the most he ever says about izzy is stuff like "yeah izzy doesnt he feel so good stretching you out" or whatever

until one day while stede's fucking izzy ed says some shit about "who's the namby pamby now?" and then stede freezes and is like. ed. did izzy say that to you? and ed is like uhhhhhhhhhh maybe? and then stede pulls out of izzy and is like "get the fuck away from him" and izzy (who was having a fantastic time) is like "daddy no" and stede is like "i am not joking get the FUCK out"

and idk. ed tells stede about izzy threatening to kill him while he was heartbroken over stede. and stede is SO fucking mad. maybe stede didnt even know abt the robe era he just thought ed came back to the revenge and went full kraken right away. and this actually makes stede feel more guilty abt leaving bc the thought of ed crying in a blanket fort and eating all his marmalade because he hurt him is even worse than thinking ed just got angry and painted his face. and the fact that izzy said that shit to ed while he was heartbroken like that makes stede SO fucking angry.

and then stede's anger makes ed realize that actually that was really fucked up and he actually finally tells stede about the toe thing and stede is like "i wouldve done the same!!" and they cry together. and then stede and ed dont talk to izzy for weeks and ed starts to emotionally heal from all that. he had stopped wearing stede's robes after the night izzy walked in on him fingering himself but he starts wearing them again. and then he starts actually trying to form a cohesive Look and they steal fancy clothes for ed now and stede pampers ed and takes care of him and ed gets to relax and not worry about people depending on him or on how people perceive him. and he and stede together get to be more confident in themselves than theyve felt in forever

and in the meantime i guess izzy just starts acting like a normal crew member and he very much hates it and the crew is very much giving him shit (someone makes him swab the deck through the entire night) and he wants to be mean to them so fucking bad but like, he knows one wrong move and he's off the boat forever and he doesn't want that. so idk i guess eventually the crew lays off him and invites him to sit and drink with them and stuff. izzy doesn't really get any of them, but jim will sit down next to him and drink next to him and izzy decides that actually maybe this crew isn't entirely useless. they still get on his nerves tho

then one night crew is also like "so uh... why are the captains not fucking you anymore" and izzy's like "YOU KNEW??" and theyre like "buddy you were SO loud. we all heard you call stede daddy" and izzy actually almost has a panic attack but idk someone (lucius?) is like "dude nobody is judging you. it's okay."

and izzy realizes theyre right. nobody is judging him. they want gossipy details but they don't actually care. and that's a big "oh" moment, that he could do things the wrong way (get fucked by someone less masculine than him, maybe even talk about his feelings) and these people wont judge him for it. so izzy gives them a very censored version that basically boils down to "they remembered what an asshole i am and they want nothing to do with me. and they're right"

and uhhhh maybe izzy and lucius hook up too. and then izzy starts crying after and lucius is like "oh god what's wrong" and izzy's like "i miss them. i miss ed. i miss bonnet. why the fuck do i miss bonnet??" and lucius is like "aww did izzy the spewer catch feelings?" and izzy's like "fuck. fuck. i fucking did jesus fuck." he also admits to himself finally that he's been in love with ed for years. (the feelings izzy thinks he has for stede are just His Cock Feels Really Good In My Ass)

and. idk. i guess weeks after all this character development has happened for ed and izzy and stede, izzy jumps in front of a bullet for stede. which leads to stede and ed both thanking him when he wakes up. which leads to izzy apologizing to ed and being like "you dont have to forgive me." and i dont think ed totally accepts the apology but he and stede do start talking to izzy again. ed more than stede maybe. i think stede is a huge prick to izzy and izzy sometimes snaps back but mostly he just sighs because like, yeah. that's fair.

and then i think ed and izzy happen first this time like i think they're reminiscing about old times and ed is like "do you realize how unhappy i was though?" and izzy is like "i didnt before, but i can see it now. you look younger than you have in years. i'm glad you found someone who knows how to love you better than i do" and ed's like wait WHAT. and izzy's like "? what?" and ed's like "you love me??" and izzy's like "yes?? obviously?????" and ed's like "i thought you just wanted me to fuck you!!!" and izzy's like "i mean THAT TOO" and ed's like "do you still love me??" and izzy's like "god only knows why, but yes! obviously!" and then ed asks "do you still want me to fuck you?" and izzy's like "yknow, that's actually a harder one to answer! i dont really know!! i just know that i love you and youre hot!"

And Then They Make Out

and this one is a harder convo for ed and stede to have, not because of the infidelity but stede is like "you remember how he hurt you though?" and ed's like yeah. and im not ever gonna forget that. but i think i can move past it. and stede's like okay fine but i have one condition. he has to watch you bottom for me first

so they do that. bc stede is like "i need izzy to know that the way we make love doesnt make you any less of a man." and izzy is into it obviously, this is not how he ever imagined ed would enjoy sex but he can't deny that ed looks good, and suddenly the "you look younger than you have in years" makes sense. like he can tell ed is loving this and suddenly trying to connect this man with the version of Sexy Blackbeard that izzy was pining after for years just doesn't make sense. izzy can no longer picture ed doing hardcore kinky bdsm dom shit to him.

also izzy's been on the receiving end of stede's dick so he's like, yeah, i get it. but then weirdly even tho this was supposed to be about izzy accepting that ed doesnt want to be the aggressive daddy dom izzy always wanted him to be, izzy (who is first and foremost a huge bottom and the world's biggest sub) is looking at how good ed feels and all he can think is i want stede bonnet in my mouth so fucking bad oh my god.

and then he's not looking at ed at all he's just looking at stede and is like oh shit oh shit oh shit. and ed nuts first and when stede pulls out izzy is right there like "please please please finish in my mouth please daddy" (<- sentences that killed me to write). and stede and ed are both like. oh.

this leads to them falling back into something like their original arrangement where stede and izzy are hate-fucking except now ed is getting in on the action. so like the sex dynamic is that usually ed is either being a pillow princess or a power bottom for stede, izzy is a bratty sub to stede, stede is a service top for ed and a daddy dom for izzy, and then ed and izzy trade handies or oral or whatever when it's all three of them. sometimes stede and izzy team up to pamper ed, or stede and ed team up to torment izzy. ed and izzy by themselves usually dont do anal but when they do izzy usually tops. ed and izzy having sex isn't the sappy passionate lovemaking of ed and stede but it is still very sweet. these sex dynamics aren't set rules or anything, sometimes ed tops stede and sometimes izzy isnt being quite so submissive and etc etc, but that's usually the vibe. ed never doms izzy tho.

as for the emotional dynamic. ed and stede are in love obviously, we all watched the show. with izzy and ed, i dont think ed is in love with izzy at first but he falls into it gradually. stede is maybe a little jealous of this at first but 1. he cant deny anything from ed and if ed loves izzy then fine, ed can love izzy, and 2. he can see that it happens in a different way than how ed loves stede, so he eventually gets over it. and then with stede and izzy it's basically just this post i made where one day while they're fucking it suddenly out of nowhere gets really soft (ed is sitting out for this one but he's there watching) and afterwards stede and izzy are both so mad about being in love. theyre angry at themselves and then they play chicken about it until stede gets injured and izzy says i love you and that completes the steddyhands injurty trifecta so i guess that means the story ends and i'm freed from this post and i can finally get it out of my fucking drafts. jesus fucking christ.

idk how to explain what i mean but i feel like as someone with npd, because ive actually been forced to disect my thought processes and actually stop harmful behaviors, aswell as my narcissism making me very self conscious of how im presenting to people, that ive actually turned out far kinder and more understanding than most people despite also being kind of an asshole internally.

ive realized that normal people just dont think about how their words affect other people. they dont have to consider what words they use to insult people or question their morals or if theyre being manipulative, because they were never told they were evil for not doing so.

so im in a situation where ive done so much emotional learning to the point where when i talk to people irl some of the ways they talk to people without even thinking about it genuinely disturb me. like they just insult people without even thinking about it. every time ive insulted someone its been deliberate. they just dont care. its the sort of thing that now that ive learned about those behaviors in myself and learned to self evaluate i cant stop seeing that im not the only one with the problem. i just have the problem to a chronic degree, which justifies me having to put in 10x more effort than everyone else has to despite them doing the exact same things that i used to do, just in smaller doses.

i think EVERYONE should take classes or something on how to evaluate oneself and stop harmful behavior because i hate being the only person who doesnt make fun of people for arbitrary things and then getting called sensitive when i tell them they shouldn't be doing that. like we all shouldve learned this stuff was wrong from cartoons when we were like FIVE and they still dont see anything wrong with it because they havent had to put in the effort to be kind to people that i have. idk.

i have soooo much to say abt fallout 4 so far . so ummm

just did the whole kellogg memory quest and when valentine insisted he get the implant connected to his brain i was like NO!!!!!!! but it was already done and valentine wouldnt have refused a chance to do anything he could to help. it was so nervewracking lmao that was such an interesting quest too because while i do know what happens in the game in general, like i know some of the major spoilers, i also really enjoy seeing it all play out. it reminds me of how it felt to play the final benny quest in new vegas and meet yes-man for the first time.....that shit blew me away.

i want to take other companions around w me in fo4 other than nick, but man im really attached to him, and he just asked for my help with tracking down his white whale. so hes sticking with me for a while. needless to say, i love goodneighbor; i think its a very cool community and hancock is a riot . his introduction was a lot lol he really took offense to someone giving valentine trouble. one of the things that i loved about new vegas was the ability to help sort out community problems and make life easier for everyone in the various settlements, so finding new towns and doing fetch quests or clearing out feral ghouls to make life easier makes me pretty happy. its a bonus that valentine enjoys that too.

anyway, back to kellogg. i kind of dont care about him. i understand, and i get it, he kinda does parallel the sole survivor, but that was on him for being a fucking asshole. like. he knew that shit was gonna bite him in the ass. hes not really anything like the pc from my perspective, and im not excited to hear more from kellogg in the form of his ghost inhabiting valentine's brain.

oh i just remembered i also got the home in diamond city!!!!! which was so exciting!!!!!! i spent like half an hour cleaning it up and adding some amenities while valentine sat on my couch. that was really fun. i am getting a LOT of satisfaction from providing homes for other npcs too, putting a lot of effort into improving sanctuary and telling other people to go there, like sheffield and the (somehow unnamed) vault-tec rep. i feel so bad for that guy. they shouldve at least named him.

anyway 👍 thats all. im just having a lot of fun. im not so good at combat but as long as i have a companion i can handle pretty much anything as long as its not a full-on assault from super mutants or anything

trigun ep 6 thoughts

in the effort to show nick's fancy human strengthening drug, they have him using it every time he shows up? hes like me playing video games tanking damage bc ik i have 100 health potions on me and idc enough to deal w the enemy atm or whatever. these arent the actions of a man who wants to live lol??

theres mention of knives' plant plot again. the last two eps feel like filler for stampede i guess

idk if meryl is joking but her comment was weird either way?? why would any of them be ok w ww in the car atm

at least theyre talking abt meryl and roberto being reporters again. i honestly almost forgot that completely. not that they showed them working

idk if it was the translation, but smth abt wolfwood's convo calling him cold was hard to understand for me? but idk why he didnt have this attitude w them earlier. and i esp dont know why hes tolerating ww atm if the gung ho gun/ww babysit/guide vash to knives plot isnt happening here

ig this is the closest to a death flag for roberto. still dont know why meryl is so fixated on vash. kind of feel like if roberto didnt exist, i wouldnt believe this reporter group exists, either

no fucking way is the orphanage their next point

all the bg characters look so boring :(

wolfwood is not likable at all in stampede. in the manga, his role fits, here he feels like a stalker, esp when he doesnt even have that anime tsundere vibe, instead following him and calling him stupid. his kind of domineering, asshole attitude compared to vash's passive attitude in return makes vash feel kind of depressing. i wouldnt want them together

ww's attitude also focuses on vash's "failure", something that shouldve been reserved to vash. ww can be projecting concerning the cult (and presumably the orphans being kidnapped) but it shouldnt be both

stampede again hasnt even brought up why vash doesnt want to kill, when ww couldve been a perfect opportunity for him to question it, but stampede seems to be skipping past things

i dont like livio's design :(

idk how ww would recognize him lol

the style change is interesting

BABY TOMA?!?!

also im distracted but its WAYY too early to reveal anyones backstory lol, unless they get removed like right away lol??

nick also looks too young. it feels like he doesnt have that initial issue that causes him to be weirdly mature (despite all the other shit)

stampede seems to wanna characterize ww as a trickster? obviously for what hes doing rn, but it feels weird as a child... livio and nick's interaction in the manga felt better

this is absolutely personal but i dont like whatever artist's style for these characters lol. before i thought it was just meryl, but they clearly have a same face issue

ww's skin tone almost looks normal, but idk if its supposed to immediately contrast him to livio who they put in all white like fucking kaworu nagisa or shion from no.6

ww was born smoking ig

i think the animation is nice

livio doesnt seem to be on the same side as ww currently??

i think if they never mentioned meryl or roberto again, i wouldve forgot about them completely

its incredible when tristamp explains things it still makes no sense, what fucking test, what could a 10 y/o (??) possibly show. this isnt tpn

seizure inducing sequence for some reason

so its not like the manga. he didnt have any weirdo baby assassins training... hes straight up a child in an adult's body here 😭???

knives has been recast as eye of michael guy ig

idk how to feel abt livio here. in the manga, it did feel funny they were both from the same group, but nick didnt know he existed in a similar role, but ig hes a hostage here in a more visible way than the thought of his old orphanage siblings

the blue hair joke felt very mcu humory. i hate tristamp's designer. i am so serious

i wonder what theyre gonna do abt razlo...

they turned conrad into a priest? specifically for the cult??

livio being here this early is also bad i think bc in the manga it basically felt like he replaced ww after. ww at this point went out of his way not to kill, being mocked by his master, and livio being praised as a tool along side him. i dont think he wanted to kill livio then, but livio was accepting of his role then. they also fought at the orphanage. idk why livio is here, why hes attacking or what. it just feels very wrong overall

they sure did change legato lol. hes now the analytical, stoic anime cliche, while the original very clearly had no issue getting emotional lol

NO FUCKING WAY ARE THEY GOING TO THE ORPHANAGE

i dont know hy the fuck the bad lad gang is there?? incredibly strange choice

I hate this so much. He was so. I dont even know.

He was bad. Not good for me, i know that. The way he could rack up my stress levels was astronomical. He was a horrible boyfriend, logically. But he was the best thing i had. He gave me a place to stay. I cant say whether it was a safe space or not (he kind of made things feel. Unsafe. But the place he gave me was so much more comforting and safe than anywhere else ive been.) But it was still somewhere i could go knowing i wouldnt be at least put in intentional harm. At least with not bad intent, even if jokingly hurting me wasnt all too good either.

I shouldve known he would never prioritize my needs over his, but it still hurts. To ask him for the bare minimum and get met with anger like i was to blame and i was forcing him to do so much.

I shouldve known he would be like that but it still hurt. It was still a reminder that nowhere i go, i'll be actually safe. No matter how much effort i put in, no one else would do the same for me. No matter how much i accommodate to others, no matter how much i bend myself backwards, no one else is willing to even do the bare minimum for me.

But he still gave me more than anyone else ever would. He still gave me a place to stay when my dad kicked me out, he still hung out with me, talked to me, loved me. As shitty and asshole-ish as he was, he still gave me more than anyone else would.

I love him so fucking much but it hurts. It hurts to even speak to him knowing that, even knowing he does care about me, he doesnt care on the level i do. He doesnt care enough to change for me as i would for him.

]

ykw im feeling messy today time to be divisive and rank blackpinks singles best to worst.

1. Du ddu du: best raps, had a atual dance break, the hype during that era was unparalleled this was their first global hit ,basically but them on bullet proof boyscouts level

2.boombayah: the girls had one chance to prove to their company they were the new it girls and they did. lisa's rap outsold. jennies rap outserved. rose was on the sliding on the floor jisoo was a visual all was well. birthed blackpink in your era and i cannot lie "i dont need a boy i need a man" had me gobsmacked

3.So hot remix: technically is a single and not a comeback but i said i was ranking singles so get off my dick. the only reason teddy hasnt given blackpink an actual comeback like this is because he's afraid of success? i guess? has one of the least cringe english raps in their discography. like theyd actually body this. this remix came in the middle of a drought and got more streams than the original song in months. absolutley insane. hell they could probably still release it, just give jisoo lines and add a dance break omg.

4. Sour candy: technically not even blackpinks song but lets be honest it is. well its rose's really and we all know out of the 4 girls rose and lisa are the only ones really trying anymore at this point. once again if bp had a song like this they would devour. it would top the charts (deservingly) the reason its not higher on the ranking is because lady gahgah is on there, sorry ma'am

5.Playing with fire: she gave. everything. choreo was engaging, lyrics were deep. raps were slaying. everyone sounded good and this is the last time all of the members were seen trying during live stages. if bp released a song like this today blinks would cry tears of joy.

6. love sick girls: their last truly amazing song theyve put out to date basically manufactured in a lab to be a hit and it was.

7.whistle: its odd seeing whistle divorced from her sister boombayah but im gonna be honest here she has strong line distribution, good rapping but jennies vocals on the chorus never rlly hit for me. she sounds like shes straining, especially the bridge. honestly in my opinion they shouldve kept the demo version iykyk

8. Stay: i feel like people forgot about her. this is the only time bp released a slow song as a single. its very christian horsegirl music which was perfect for rose. i wonder if bp wouldve been better off releasing songs like this and their regular uptempo dance pop songs so that way they would have more depth as a group. but that would require actual effort from yg. bp has such a obvious formula for a lot of their songs that even when they try to break it it ends up more of the same *see, shutdown*

10. sure thing cover: ok i know im fucking pushing this it wasnt even a single but im putting it here because bp couldve benefitted from having a song like this in their discography

11.forever young: on the technicality forever young was promoted on music shows i will count it as a single. shes ok. i put her over kiss and make up simply because she has a dance break

12. Kiss and make up: technically dula peepas song but bp did good so im keeping it here.

13. Ice cream: npt as bad as people say it is its just painfully basic and selena didnt rlly add much but i digress.

14.pink venom: as soon as i heard it i knew they were going for early 2000s late 90s throwback vibes so i didnt hate it like everyone else what can i say i have the mind of a mastermind it was still a let down after waiting so long for a single though

15.as if its your last: i know the pinks hate this song it was the only new thing they had to perform for like two years.

16.ready for love: whew the hype for this song died so fast. its not even bad just forgettable

17. shut down: i will give the song this, the lyrics actually are catchy. the melody of the chorus was stuck in my head after the 2nd listen which is strange since its a lackluster song. rapper jisoo showed up which was a welcome surprise. the english raps left a lot to be desired.

18. awesome screen awesome camera: yes i put an ad with just lisa and rose here to make the number on the list even, and yes this samsung jingle is still better than kill this loveand hylt

19. kill this love: the first time(and not the last) i remember being truly disappointed by a bp comeback.

20. how you like that: ....