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olivianyx · 4 months

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OMGG I JUST GOT RESULTS WITHOUT BEATING MYSELF UP WITH ROUTINES 😭 + RANT ✨

HEYY LUVS! I JUST WANNA SHARE MY RESULTS I MANIFESTED WITHIN 2-3 DAYS! THIS YEAR'S GONNA BE MY BEST YEAR Y'ALL ✋AND GUESS WHAT I DID? NOTHING. LITERALLY NOTHING. NUH-UH. PERIODT.

⚠ LONG POST AHEAD, SWEARING ⚠

WHAT I MANIFESTED:

🪄 PASSING MY FRESHMAN YEAR WITH HIGH SCORES

🪄 MY FAMILY BOUGHT A NEW APARTMENT WHICH WERE PREPARING TO MOVE IN 3 WEEKS

🪄 ME GETTING INTO THE VOID STATE 😭 AND MANIFESTED CLEAR SKIN! (DAYUM GETTING INTO THE VOID IS DEFO VERY EASY OMGG)

🪄 GETTING LESS ANXIOUS LATELY!

🪄 MY GASTRITIS AND ULCERITIS GETTING CURED

🪄 GETTING MORE COMPLIMENTS IN MY UNI!

🪄 GETTING TALLER! I WENT FROM 5'3" TO 5'7" IN 2 DAYS 😭😭

🪄 GETTING DREAMS OF ME SHIFTING TO MY WR 🥺 (ACTUALLY RESPAWNING LOL, AS THIS THING IS REALLY CONTROVERSIAL IN HERE, PLEASE DON'T GET ME CANCELLED- I'M DOING DEATHLESS RESPAWNING ✋)

🪄 MY MIND IS SURPRISINGLY CALM 😌 THERE'S STILL INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS THO (THOSE ARE ANNOYING ASS BITCHES) BUT I JUST IGNORE EM LIKE I IGNORE PEOPLE AT SCHOOL 🗿

🪄 GOT MANY CONFESSIONS TOO 😭 AND I REJECTED EM ALL, CUS I JUST WANT TO BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ✋🗿 JK

🪄 GETTING COOL CLOTHES THAT MY MOM DENIED A LOTTA TIMES! (ACTUALLY I'VE ORDERED EM BUT STILL HAVEN'T SHIPPED TO MY ADDRESS YET LOL)

🪄 MY CRUSH BECOMING CLOSE TO ME HEHE 🤭 LIKE SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME MUCH, BUT LATELY SHE'S BEEN TOO CLOSE TO ME AND ALWAYS WANNA BE WITH ME LOL, 3 DAYS BACK SHE AND I WALKED HOME TOGETHER, WHILE WE GRABBED SOME SNACKS, SPOKE ABT EACH OTHER AND ALL (I FELT LIKE BEING IN A SHOUJO MANGA 😩)

🪄 A NEW PHONE! THAT SAMSUNG GALAXY S22 😩

I MANIFESTED EVERYTHING WITHIN 3 DAYS 😭 I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES, JUST. 3. FUCKING. DAYS. GODDAMMIT.

HOW I DID IT:

JUST FULFILLED IT IN MY IMAGINATION

YEP, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT. I LIVED IN THE 4D REALITY, I NEVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT THE 3D AT ALL. OK LEMME BREAK IT DOWN FOR Y'ALL SO JUST PAY ATTENTION FROM HERE ONWARDS.

🪄 SUPPOSE SOMETHING UNDESIRABLE OR UNFAVORABLE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE HAPPENING IN YOUR 3D. WHO'S THE CAUSE FOR THAT? YOU. 'BUT I DIDN'T IMAGINE OR THINK OF THESE 😭' BABY, YOU'RE THE SOLE CAUSE, EFFECT, AND THE SOLUTION. THERE'S NO OTHER EXPLANATION TO THIS.

🪄 AS WE ALL KNOW, 3D IS A MIRROR. RIGHT? WHATEVER YOU THINK ABOUT, YOUR ASSUMPTIONS, YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR FEELINGS, YOUR PERSPECTIVE EVERYTHING WILL BE REFLECTED. SO WHY NOT THINK THE WAY YOU WANT SO YOU CAN EXPERIENCE THE SAME? GET IT.

🪄 IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE 3D, CHANGE YOUR 4D FIRST. CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE TO HOW YOUR DESIRED SELF WOULD SEE THE WORLD. KEEP DWELLING IN IT. IF THE 3D SHOWS UNFAVORABLE CIRCUMSTANCES, DON'T FUCKING GET TRIGGERED. GO BACK TO YOUR IMAGINATION AND DENY YOUR SENSES.

🪄 EVERYTIME YOU SEE SOMETHING ELSE IN THE 3D, GO 'BRUHH THIS IS MY OLD STORY, I ALREADY HAVE WHAT I WANT, THIS IS JUST FAKE' AND MOVE ON. DISTRACT YOURSELF. CUS THE 3D WORLD WHICH YOU SEE IS AN ILLUSION, IT'S NOT REAL. IT'S YOUR CREATION, WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO CONTROL WHAT YOU CREATED? IT'S ALREADY IN CONTROL. YOU ONLY GOTTA REALISE YOUR GODSELF. YOU ARE THE CREATOR, NOT THE CREATION. STOP FUCKING VICTIMIZING YOURSELF.

🪄 I GET IT THAT MOST OF THE PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED BETWEEN LAW OF ASSUMPTION AND NON DUALISM. EVEN I WAS, BUT SLOWLY I REALISED THAT WE'RE ALL NOTHING. WE'RE JUST LIVING IN OUR OWN CREATIONS. VICTIMIZING OURSELVES IN OUR OWN CREATIONS. IRONIC RIGHT?

🪄 THOSE THOUGHTS, ANXIETY, FEELINGS, EMOTIONS ARE ALL IN YOUR PHYSICAL REALM. YOUR MIND, YOUR BODY, YOUR EGO EVERYTHING IS NO REAL, WE ASSUME IT TO BE. WE'RE ARE SHAPELESS, FORMLESS, WE'RE NOTHING! AND EVERYTHING AT THE SAME TIME. CUS EVERYTHING COMES DOWN TO ONE THING, I AM.

🪄 K Y'ALL MIGHT BE SUPER CONFUSED, WHAT I'M TRYNA INFUSE IN YOUR BRAINS. SO WHAT YOU DO IS, LIVE IN YOUR 4D.HOW? IMAGINATION. NO MATTER WHAT YOU SEE IN YOUR 3D, GO BACK TO YOUR IMAGINATION, AFFIRM OR VISUALISE. ANYTHING IS FINE BTW. JUST STAY IN THE STATE OF WISH FULFILLED.

🪄 STOP RELYING ON METHODS, FUCK THEM. JUST BE. DON'T TRY TO CHANGE SOMETHING WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE THEM. JUST STOP, SURRENDER, STOP FIGHTING, STOP TRYING SO HARD WHEN YOUR ALREADY IT. SO GO LIVE IN YOUR IMAGINATION, FULLY SURRENDER. DO THINGS WHICH YOU LIKE. GO LIVE YOUR LIFE. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK.

LIKE AREN'T YOU TIRED? TRAPPED IN YOUR OWN CREATIONS? YOU CREATED THEM, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE WHATEVER. TELL ME HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA LIVE THIS BULLSHIT LIFE? YOU'RE REALLY GETTING COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE. SO LISTEN UP, DO WHAT YOU LOVE, AFFIRM, VISUALISE, OR DAYDREAM, ZONE OUT, WHATEVER. ALL I DID WAS DO THIS MEDITATION IN THE MORNING, WENT ABOUT MY DAY WATCHING JUJUTSU KAISEN LMAO. THEN RANDOMLY AFFIRM, LIVED IN MY 4D, NEVER PAYED ANY FUCKING ATTENTION TO MY 3D, CUS I'M GOD. I REALLY LOVE VISUALISING, SO I PUT ON A SONG AND START DAYDREAMING IN MY ROOM SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT. ALSO, I DID SATS BEFORE GOING TO BED. THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL I DID FOR 3 FUCKING DAYS, AND GOT WHAT EVER I WANT. ALSO I MADE A CUSTOM TAPE TOO (IT'S A GENERAL SELF CONCEPT ONE) I LISTENED TO IT FOR 30 MINS AND JUST WENT ABOUT MY DAY THINKING I HAD WHATEVER I FUCKING DESIRE, CUS IT'S ALL MY CREATIONS AND I HAVE IT ALREADY. THERE'S NOTHING TO GET, IT'S ALREADY IN ME.

LUV YOU, BYE 💋

#non dualism #law of assumption #neville goddard #reality shifting #affirmdaily #dream life #frequency #loa success #manifestations #manifestyourreality #scripting #3roe #self concept #higher self #consciousness #Spotify

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diorkyeom · 6 months

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THE @diorkyeom / @fairyhaos AO3 FIC REC LIST: PART 2

masterlist. part one. part two. part three.

part two of all the ao3 fics that i've read for seventeen which i've loved, kudosed, and proceeded to download so i'll always have with me. part one was kinda long so i thought it would be better if i just made a 2nd post instead of adding on to it ^^

(list is in order of authors!)

Of Milkshakes, Onesies and Miniature Roses - coupdetart

soonhoon, uni au, oneshot

soonyoung likes small and cute things. jihoon is small and cute. and that's it, that's the entirety of this adorable fic. pls this fic had me grinning so hard omg everything is literally soooo adorable and jihoon is so tsundere but you can already tell that he's so fond of soonyoung and his antics and they're just very very sweet

Know Ya Boo - jeosheo

meanie, non-idols, fluff, getting together, oneshot

jeosheo and lunahui are two of theeeee best meanie writers that ive like. ever seen. this fic made me laugh and it made me internally cry and it's soooo so lovely and funny and domestic and honest to god. the entire attraction of this ship is the way they realise their feelings and this fic does it soo well

Through The Wall - kaiteki

soonhoon, apartment neighbors, chaptered (but short)

hnnnngggh never ever ever EVER gonna get tired of people characterising soonhoon's relationship not as an antagonistic, forever-enemies one but as one of mutual respect and muted adoration. pls a neighbours to lovers thats actually simply Adorable is hard to come by but this is sooo good

right-handed normativity - kyeomizt

meanie, canon au, oneshot

dudeeeee pls it's just sooo soft and domestic and funny and so so so them. the way they act like a couple almost instinctively, like it's coded into their dna to just love each other like that???? peak meanie things actually.

hell yeah, hyung! - orphan_account

jeongcheol, canon au, coming out, oneshot

idk jeongcheol has never been My Thing but the way that jeonghan is characterised? with his clear head and clear thoughts and you can clearly see his entire thought process as he goes through things... wow. it's really good. i also love how much time he takes to think things through and really find out what he's feeling. vv nice fic tbh, that's all :]

Rollercoaster - orphan_account

soonhoon, non-idols au, fake dating, oneshot

read the summary, screamed internally. then began reading the fic and screamed internally even more. pls the characterisation???? the pining???? the suppressed feelings and fAKE DATING?????? absolute gold i swear pls pls read this it's so cute

Found In Translation - naegahosh

verkwan, fluff, light angst, twoshot

holy shiiiiittttttt the seungkwan characterisation is ON POINT and i LOVE when people manage to get his melodrama and also his softness down and this fic has it SO GOOD. the way hansol is just so so so gentle and caring with seungkwan and it's so OBVIOUS that he's already so in love with him from the start :(((

can't sleep (without your smile) - pocketpastel

seoksoo + verkwan, snow white au, sleeping beauty au, chaptered

i love cute little fairytale-twist aus!!!! ive (kinda) written one of my own too hehe and it's always just soooo fun to do. and read as well! i love the seoksoo dynamic and also verkwan with their little one-sided rivals to lovers??? gorgeous. very very sweet.

my love only amounts to this - shiningshua

seoksoo, canon au, soulmates, oneshot

i think i said this before but i rarely read seoksoo bc honestly. their dynamic and characterisation is something that is rlly hard to get right but this is sooo soft. joshua loving it when seokmin calls him "shua hyung"? their softness? the way they were in love with each other the entire time? the epitome of the seoksoo dynamic actually.

Hit Different - thanku4urlove

verkwan, est. relationship, canon au, oneshot

bro. bro buff vernon is soooo brainrot worthy actually and honestly i just feel so blessed that there's an ENTIRE FIC centered around it. with verkwan too like????? best thing in the entire world. started giggling internally at the ending like OH MYGODHFUDHS it's soooo heart-flutteringly good.

wonwoo & his very non-imaginary boyfriend - wonderscape

meanie, established relationship, oneshot

honestly. peak meanie behaviour is wonwoo having a hot-as-fuck boyfriend and no one believing that they're actually dating until they see mingyu in person. the 96 liner dynamic is so silly and so funny to me because they're all just so annoying and goofy in their own way and i love the way it's portrayed in this fic too

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lostbetweenvampiresandmusic · 3 months

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You'll always have my heart

Every year on her birthday, without fail, she would receive a gift from an anonymous secret admirer. She's gotten necklaces, chocolates, flowers, each gift sweeter and more extravagant than the last. This year, when she opened the box that was tied with a red ribbon, she shrieked and dropped it to the ground. - by @unboundprompts

@vampirefilmlover

-----------------------------------

"Do you have any plans for tomorrow?" Mina looked at me with a sly smile. I shrugged. "Eh, after uni I'd probably just buy a cake and rent a movie. Why?"

"Dammit, Rose, you can't celebrate your birthday like that! No, tomorrow I'll pick you up at eight, and we're going out."

"But-"

"No," her look turned stern. "You are going to party. You only turn twenty-three once!"

I sighed with a smile, nodding. There was no talking Mina out of this, and maybe just mage,it would be fun. Right? I mean, parties and bars and discos weren't really my scene, but then again, maybe getting out of my comfort zone would be good. Maybe I'd meet someone cute and get laid? Yeah, this plan wasn't too bad, I supposed.

Still, there had been a reason why I didn't really want to go out. Ever since I turned seventeen, every single birthday, I'd received an anonymous gift. The first time, it was a necklace. It had been made of silver and had a tiny bat-shaped charm on it. I didn't wear it often, but I absolutely loved it. When I turned eighteen, I got a set of ruby earrings and a bouquet with dark red roses. Every single gift came with a single note:

For Rose

This year, I had wanted to stay home. I had wanted to see who the person was that had given me those wonderful gifts. Besides the jewellery, I had gotten luxurious chocolates, leather-bound copies of my favourite books - how that person knew what my favourite books were, I didn't dare to ask - and at one point they'd even given me concert tickets to my favourite band. The gifts were huge, incredibly lovely, and thoughtful - especially since the giver had always been anonymous.

-----

He didn't need to look at a calendar to know it was almost time again. Her birthday. She didn't know him yet. She had seen him on the boardwalk, of course, but they hadn't talked. She was always leaving in a hurry the second it became crowded, and she always seemed to be in the company of her best friend. Still, Paul didn't mind watching from afar. Not yet anyway. She was his, or would become his in the near future - so he could wait until she found her own way to him. And if it took too long, he could always interfere anyways.

Over the years, he had given her many things, from small trinkets to bigger gifts. This year, he wanted to give her something that showed her a bit about who he was. What he was, what he was like - and something that would show her what she could potentially mean to him.

The other boys had looked surprised when he said he'd go out on his own tonight to feed, but they soon caught his drift. During the feeding, he would find the most perfect gift.

-----

"Happy Birthday!" Mina grinned as she threw my front door open. "Are you ready to go?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Where are we going, I don't really do well-"

"In crowds, yes, I know. We'll go to a small bar downtown. I invited just some friends from uni. There won't be a big crowd, and I let them all swear not to break out in song." She grinned as she saw my relieved expression, realising how much I hated being sung to on my birthday. Taking a deep breath, I nodded, grabbing my bag and heading for the door. It would be alright, maybe even fun - and if I didn't go now, I'd never leave the house at all.

The bar was nice and small, as Mina had promised. Strings of fake flowers hung around the door and were wrapped across the bars on the ceiling. Some dreamy popsongs were playing on the radio, and the light inside was dimmed but cosy. Yeah, this was a good place. As I ordered some shots for all of us, we got talking. We played some rounds of never have I ever, some truth or dare - and I felt absolutely perfect. A bit tired, sure, but this was good. It was fun.

"Will you get home safely?" Alex looked at me as he was about to walk to his car, being followed by Robin and Sam. I smiled and nodded. "Yeah, it's not too far. Besides, Mina has to go the same way."

"Alright. Happy birthday, Ro!" He stepped in his car, dragging the others along when they wanted to burst out in a happy birthday song. I laughed as he pushed them in the car, and waved as they drove off. Mina stood next to me, looking rather satisfied with herself.

"You had fun tonight."

"Yeah, I did."

"Good. Now, let's get you home. You said something about cake?"

I nodded. "Can I get a raincheck for that?"

"Tired?"

"Very. I just want to get home and dive straight into my bed."

Mina chuckled. That's how we finally ended up at my door, smiling and laughing. She said her goodbyes, and as I walked to the front porch, I noticed something standing on my doormat. I walked closer and saw that it was a box wrapped in shiny blue paper. Once again it held only one note.

For Rose.

I picked it up, surprised by the sudden weight. The box definitely looked lighter than it was. I walked inside, locking the door behind me. The box ended up on my kitchen counter as I decided to grab a piece of cake before opening it.

It was only when I put the cardboard box with cake back into the fridge that I noticed that my gift seemed to be leaking. A slimey, red substance formed on the bottom of the box. Weird. It was sticky and had a strange coppery smell. Quickly, I tore the paper off. I tore the top of the box off and threw it behind me on the ground.

I peered inside the box.

I screamed.

A heart. A human heart. An actual real human heart that was still bleeding laid in the box. Someone had given me a heart. Someone must have stolen that heart. Did - did the giver kill? Is that the message? That - that I'm next? Or that he can kill me anytime? That this is the beginning of some strange blackmail plot? Oh god - there was an actual human heart on my counter and -

I ran to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet.

Forget cake, forget a joyful reunion with my bed - I needed help. I needed someone to come in and say, "Ma'am, you're right. This is absolutely insane. Don't worry, we'll take it from here, and we'll make sure that no one will ever deliver a human heart to you again."

I didn't notice how much time passed, as I leant against the cold tiles of my bathroom. I tried to calm myself down, but every time I thought I was calm, another wave of nausea hit me. It wasn't until my doorbell rang that I realised I couldn't just stay on the ground and that I had to get up.

-----

Paul had thought it was the most romantic thing he could do - while also conveying to her what he was and could be. Giving someone an actual heart, telling them not only are you mine but I am yours and I'd give my heart to you? It was the shit chick's loved, right?

But when he heard her screams, heard her get sick, heard how she cried and whimpered, and was close to breaking down in panic again, he knew that he needed to help her. So, he flew down to her front door and did the only thing he could do without being a total creep. He rang the doorbell.

It took a while, but after a couple of minutes Rose - his Rose - opened the door. "Yeah?"

"Hi, I'm Paul. My bike broke down and I was wondering if I could maybe use your phone?"

Rose nodded, not really answering. When she stepped aside, he assumed it was an invitation and stepped forward.

"I'm Rose, by the way. Phones in the kitchen, just eh - I got a horrifying package, and I don't think I'm capable of cleaning it up, so just please don't freak out?"

"Don't worry, doll. I can help if you want."

"It's not gross in the way you think," Rose mumbled, pointing him towards the kitchen. Seeing how much the heart had leaked, he could sort of understand her reaction to it. Also, he realised now that being human meant she had other standards than a vampire. Where another vampire would have thought this gift to be cute and thoughtful and heartwarming, he now realised that for a human, it was none of these things.

"Do you have some trashbags?"

"Yeah, the cabinet on your left. Why, what are you-?"

"Cleaning this up for you. It's probably just a stupid prank or something."

"Sending a human heart is a stupid prank?" She sounded panicked. He knew he had to be quick.

"It probably is a pig heart - it won't make it any less creepy, but at least it doesn't come with murder?"

He saw her relax a little. "I didn't think about that. I mean, I am still horrified, but in this case, I'm just really glad it is not human."

Paul smiled, finishing the clean-up. As he brought the trash out, he realised that he still had to make that phone call if he wanted his story to be consistent. So, he dialled the video store and told Max that his bike had broken down. He hung up and was glad to see that Rose had calmed down a little.

"Will you be alright?"

She nodded, biting her lip a little. "I think so. Thanks, for helping. You didn't have to."

"Yeah, I did. It's only kind, and I didn't want your birthday to be ruined by this."

"How did you know it's my birthday?"

He just pointed at the cake standing on tne counter, that had Ha and Birt written on it.

"Do you want some cake, as a thanks for helping?"

Paul shook his head. "I would like a date, though. Let's get some Chinese tomorrow."

Rose didn't know why, but without thinking, she agreed. "Pick me up at eight?"

#the lost boys #marko #david #paul #tlb #dwayne #the lost boys 1987 #tlb 1987 #the lost boys x reader #lost boys

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allwaswell16 · 10 months

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A fic rec of One Direction fics where one or both of the main characters don't realize they're dating or might as well be as requested in this ask. If you enjoy the fics, please leave kudos and comments for the writers. You can find my other fic recs here. Happy reading!

—Louis/Harry—

▼ Truth or Dare by 2Larry_Stylinson2

(M, 123k, childhood friends) One night, Harry asks Louis to kiss him as "practice", but what was supposed to be a one time thing, just kept happening over and over again, with them going further and further with one another despite being "just friends".

▼ Never Let Me Go by loveisalaserquest17

(E, 55k, 10 Year Plan au) One night, with a little too much alcohol, they make a pact to marry in ten years if they're both still single.

▼ It Had To Be You by @kingsofeverything

(M, 45k, When Harry Met Sally au) Ten years after their post-college road trip, Louis and Harry meet once again, but this time they become friends. Eventually, things get complicated.

▼ I Like You, Say It Back by ishiplouis / @pocketsunshineharry

(E, 43k, a/b/o) the one where it takes a lot of time for Harry and Louis to figure it out. But they do, they always do, don't they?

▼ robbers and cowards by vintagehistories / @adoredontour

(E, 33k, enemies with benefits) a modern day robin hood au where louis and harry (don’t really) hate each other but they hate greedy billionaires more

▼ Have You Coming Back Again by whoknows / @crazyupsetter

(E, 31k, uni au) It’s a Monday, which means that Harry doesn’t even get out of bed before noon unless he’s planning on harassing Louis.

▼ the evenness i fake by @shimmeringevil

(E, 26k, a/b/o) Harry doesn’t do relationships. He has a perfectly enjoyable friends-with-benefits agreement with a perfectly lovely omega, and he doesn’t see the need to change that anytime soon.

▼ Play the Odds by @alivingfire

(M, 25k, bet) Harry and Louis are best friends since childhood who, after a night of drinking, find themselves locked in a bet: first one to kiss the other a thousand times wins.

▼ Saw It In Your Eyes by @taggiecb

(E, 15k, roommates) the one where Harry is an oblivious walnut.

▼ Rendezvous by Speechless / @smokingluckiesalltheway

(E, 15k, date crashing) Louis hates Harry so much that he likes to sabotage all his dates pretending he is his boyfriend.

▼ in the pub that we met he’s got his arms around you by fearsparks / @onlythebravest

(T, 13k, uni au) Harry's best friend Louis comes to visit him where he attends uni, meets Harry's friends, who point out that they don't know what platonic means.

▼ Waiting by @allwaswell16

(E, 10k, a/b/o) The six weeks that Harry has to live with Louis were going to be rough.

▼ You can remain unaware (if you want) by harryanthus

(NR, 7k, soulmates) the au where soul marks get coloured when they realise they’re in love with their soul mate and Harry has a coloured soul mark, Louis doesn’t.

▼ it's always have and never hold, you began to feel like home by lumineres

(T, 6k, pining Harry) Louis and Harry are best friends, they go for chocolate milk at 2 AM. Shenanigans ensue.

▼ Sweater Weather [L.S.] by appythealpaca

(T, 5k, girl Harry) Harry is Louis's lovely and... that's it.

▼ If I Can't Have You by Janie_17

(T, 2k, misunderstandings) After Harry turns him down, going out for Karaoke is the last thing Louis wants to do, but his friends are persuasive.

▼ sorry for... by stretchmybones / @harryslonecurl

(M, 1k, roommates) How else was Harry supposed to apologize properly? He was indeed a stress baker.

▼ close enough to touch, but I never cared for love by @femstyles

(T, 759 words, oblivious Louis) Louis doesn't want to be in love, but Harry might be on to something.

—Rare Pairs—

▼ Long As There Are Stars Above You by alienharry

(E, 50k, Zayn/Liam) Zayn's just finished his undergrad and is ready to stop messing around with strangers and get more serious about his studies as he prepares for his dream job. No relationships, no sex. Which is harder than it sounds when Liam Payne comes into his life.

▼ The Long Way Round by Anonymous

(E, 18k, Liam/Harry) Liam and Harry aren't dating, honestly, it's just that everybody thinks they are. Everybody, that is, except Liam.

▼ i should ink my skin with your name by crucios

(M, 10k, Harry/Nick Grimshaw) the one where everyone but them knows they're dating

#ficrec #trackinghappily #trackinghome #1dficvillage #tracksintheam #1dsource

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nightimedreamersworld · 10 months

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Six Sentence Sunday

Thank you for tagging me today, friends! @artsyunderstudy @prettygoododds @aristocratic-otter @iamamythologicalcreature ❤️ can't wait to take a look at your wips!

So it looks like uni is finally letting up for a bit- I just got to hand in a couple papers tomorrow and then I'm free... for approximately 1.5 weeks at least lol

Which means!! Writing!!!! Honestly excited to have time for my wips again lol. Here's a bit more from my ridiculous Watford sex Ed fic, Simon having a bit of a crisis: (under a cut for slight spice)

Holding the cock doesn't help, either. I never thought I might be affected by a penis. I still don't think so. I'm definitely aroused, but it's something else. I feel his eyes burning the side of my head across the corridor between out desks. Fucking Baz "I'd need a bigger condom“ Pitch. The way he sounded so assured, all arrogant and bragging. And looking directly at me. Fuck. That smirk. The almost-wink. (It's the only thing I've been able to think about during the entire class, Dr Wellbelove's detailed explanations completely lost on me.) The way Baz touched the hard cock, his long fingers wrapping the condom around it. The way he seemed to linger on the head, circling it with his thumb for absolutely no reason. Just. It's not about penises. It's just the sight of Baz touching a penis. I'd never thought about Baz in a sexual context; not even when I thought he was trying to steal Agatha from me. It just hurt too much, the imaginary glimpse of that sight. I'd definitely never thought about Baz and penises at the same time. Now, I can't seem to stop. I realise I've been aggressively gripping the fake cock for too long, and everyone is staring.

Tagging for Wednesday: @cutestkilla @captain-aralias @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @whogaveyoupermission @palimpsessed @larkral @valeffelees @hushed-chorus @confused-bi-queer @stitchyqueer @fatalfangirl @ivelovedhimthroughworse @facewithoutheart and anyone else who'd like to share!

#simon snow series #simon snow #baz pitch #snowbaz

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faithfromanewperspective · 4 months

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how did you arrive at your progressive punk christianity outlook after being immersed in conservative christianity?

ooh!! good question. see I don’t really think what I was immersed in was particularly conservative—in circles I’ve been around we’ve always dissed Americans for being conservative (kinda mean I know) and my dad used to take me to climate change protests in the 2000s and I was always taught the 6 days of creation aren’t literal, the rapture isn’t real, women in stem etc. idk how it was anywhere else but the part of sydney I grew up in was just Like That, there was encouragement to give to the poor to actually end poverty and people actually did even though none of us really had heaps and I guess I wasn’t raised to be okay with entitlement but simply be kind to everyone? And I didn’t even know what conservative was until I was maybe 17 (I thought it was a style of fashion for ages and then I thought it meant conserving nature and history). It was always just Christians are meant to be genuinely kind and not have sex til you’re older and preferably married yknow?? and work hard, like the protestant work ethic was def a thing but somehow in a non ableist way as much as this is possible— I get real impatient with people bitching about stuff getting taken away from them, not realising how much they have when I probably have less and I’m usually giving away as much as I’m able and as much will put me in a state of perceived danger. It’s definitely a form of rebellion against them to see how little I can survive on which I’m working on. I also didn’t even know that so many Christians were transphobic like I thought it was only the extreme theobros. I also had a really lovely geography teacher in high school who was also a Christian and used her faith to drive environmental action, my biology teacher was a Christian and stood up for trans rights and I also had acccss to the internet to read up on clobber passages and hear peoples stories and it was always like ‘oh yeah some Christians believe different things based on how they read this stuff’ and I don’t think it was until I was old enough to actually vote and saw what propoganda was going around I really realised the power dynamic behind it, with the rise of the Australian Christian lobby which felt like it was straight out of the US. I fully thought voting was just liberals if you like fossil fuels, greens to save the environment, and labor if you’re a people pleaser and like fun little rhymes like ‘Kevin 07’ and attempting to be feminist but not really getting anything done. I actually met Martyn Iles once and was like ‘damn this guy is a fake Aussie this isn’t how we do Christianity’. I also got super burnt out by how hard and how biblically I tried to love my classmates on top of the Protestant work ethic about my schoolwork I never really cared about for myself, and was well versed in theology enough to be like HA! Grace means that we don’t have to do all that and can just do our sustainable best, still thinking my view was mainstream. I went to uni to study enviro sci at 17 and I thought my convictions to not drive unless Absolutely Necessary were driven by Christian ethics (which they were, how rigid I was with it was a pda response though). Then over the years realised very belatedly how people often didn’t validate my views and experiences and I’d expect they would (bc they were biblically rooted) and got quite hurt when they didn’t. Spent years in different volunteer ministries trying to put together the kind of community talked about in books like Philippians only to constantly be let down and feel isolated and that only driving me to work harder, despite knowing God’s grace meant I didn’t have to feeling like I couldn’t stop while my earthly needs for connection were unmet, saying yes to things I’d previously said no to because I got a sense of temporary community and belonging every time I joined a new serving team. Tried extra hard to make places inclusive and expected everyone else to be working as hard on it as I was and feel the desperation like I did and got super hurt when they didn’t, oh I guess I’ll have to do it all myself then.

I’ve always struggled with the concept of hell, tbh I heard about it way too young and never had a drop of self preservation instinct in my body only didn’t want to let God down by saying no. I’ve particularly always struggled with the whole urgency motivation like I’m trying, I’m doing the best I can, I listen to people and actually speaking the gospel into their lives in a way that hits home for them (bc I was thinking about how to do this in an empathetic and understanding and autonomy respecting way from a Very Young Age like I used to attempt to evangelise on moshi monsters to get an idea) and shit, I’m like 19 years old at this stage and I’m tired. If only I could just have one last hurrah to change places with someone so they can go to heaven instead of me? Id take it. and I basically worked myself to the point of being that suicidal and kept fucking going because God made me good at science so I can save the planet and end world hunger, and I had this conviction to contextualise (this is what we learned at afes btw) the gospel to really be real to queer folk and indigenous folk and other people of colour and marginalised people (it’s easy to see oppression with my background and my neurotype tbh) and maybe I could make myself suffer now bc God wasn’t gonna let me do that for eternity? anyway eventually left afes bc I was being so stretched and getting so isolated and the work I was doing there wasn’t achieving any of these things and I realised if I stayed I might end up dead and I wasn’t ready to go to heaven yet when my work wasn’t done. or at least so constantly dysregulated I wouldn’t be as able to be kind to others and show them the gospel.

around this time I’m also putting together a pretty comprehensive framework for how to actually solve global problems in a productive way, I’ve unpacked the pride in a lot of Christian mission projects and how they often were a feel good thing but not actually respectful or effective and I’d come up with literally hundreds of ideas for projects I could do to actually help, none of which I obviously had time for I think I was working up to 3 jobs while studying and serving in church and doing my hobbies that kept me kind of sane as well? which was discouraging to say the least, driving a kind of rageful resentment. Around that time I also discover PDA and my whole life makes sense, I start on my adhd meds which I had to jump through a million hoops to get and realise maybe I can finish uni.

a pda framework as I dive more into that and how to be actually neurodivergent affirming and actually recover from burnout long story short makes me realise how ableist much of our concept of sin and holiness really is and how much we need to destigmatise sin and stop using it as a way to intellectualise actual things happening in our brains and nervous systems and maybe we’d feel a lot less hopeless about it like it’s some big mystery if we actually did unpack the fear and threat responses and trauma behind it. Which we always say we will do but practically, church doenst give a space to do that bc you’re gonna be shamed. even for the people who are non affirming I’d be like, but isn’t it a logical step to someone who’s not yet been convicted to celibacy (if that’s something they think they should be) and realised this whole thing is unrealistic, not because the bible is wrong but because people think you can control your own brain by simply trying and trying again every time you fuck up as if that’s not gonna drive learned helplessness or actually traumatise you when you so desperately want to do better? Either that or drive you to be numb about it which I realised is what usually happens, there are certain sins people are blind to in every congregation and they’re actually intellectually unable to be convicted of that as sin because they’re stretched as far as they can go covering all other bases and being like ‘Christ covers that I didn’t Choose To Sin I’m trying not to even though it doesn’t really work’ like I’m a solutions person. if something isn’t working we’re gonna think of a new method and suddenly I understand how my brain works and those of so many others especially those who feel marginalised by the church!

and so long story short when I eventually had to quit what I was doing at church because someone cared enough to realise I hadn’t been doing well for years I was like I’m gonna follow this urge of the Spirit or simply my own head and desire for true connection I often found In exvangelical spaces and hear as many experiences as possible and use it to shape my worldview and get a bunch of hope from people who yes they’ve been marginalised but the gospel is real to them. that’s my only criteria I’m not gonna judge based on theology and I’m not ever gonna think my theological takes make anyone else wrong I’m just gonna be open to listen and shape them so there isn’t any cognitive dissonance and the grace found at the cross is real and practical and doenst have weird arbitrary limits, and I’m also gonna listen to those hurt by Christianity who some might judge as being hard hearted but I know how trauma works. and I’ve been doing that ever since, gradually getting there more and more and I think the best/funniest thing is even in more conservative spaces literally everyone I still talk to has been super encouraging of it and if we have any disagreements they’re pretty minor compared to the fact that we all believe the gospel is for everyone and we all wanna invest in social justice too (which makes me question how conservative those spaces ever were tbh). like there’s def parts of my story I won’t always tell but I feel like I come with a perspective people respect these days no matter where I am, and that’s nice in contrast to being that weird kid trying to do adult things being told either not to worry or that I don’t understand.

#I’ve gotta tw so many things here #tw suicide #tw general conservative bigotry but honestly not too bad #neurodivergence #neurodivergent liberation #punk christianity #progressive christianity #queer christian #also my own identity outside of my work/ministry has definitely been on the back burner but still always there behind it all

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dribs-and-drabbles · 2 years

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#BADBUDDYREWATCH

Ep 1

A year ago, I knew I was going to love this show the moment Pran took his headphones out and the music stopped. And then he proceeded to pack away all his pens and stationary before going to help Wai. SOLD.

As much as I love that Korn and Wai are just friends by the end of the series, I also wish we had gotten an enemies-to-lovers arch with them too. Sigh.

Also, we were ROBBED of Pran's dad's tattoos...I see them there peeking out from under his collar...but I want to see moar!

I just realised it cut straight from the Valentine's Day scene as kids back to the fight...almost as if they were subliminally telling us these boys are gonna be in love (I know we knew that anyway but the juxtaposition of it!)

THE SONG. THE FRICKING SONG. OUR FRICKING SONG.

I'm STILL so salty that we never got the two groups walking together as in the opening credits clip. SO SALTY.

Pat's dad, "Back then they (architecture) always hit on girls from my faculty." He's not wrong there...since Pran went on to hit on Pat during their bet 😂

I've often wondered about Pat's shirt here - "turn up the saturation" - I guess it could symbolise how the return of Pran infuses Pat's life again with increased life, colour, happiness...everything really, even trials and tribulations. There's never a 'dull moment' anymore now they're back together.

The Freshy Day music festival started at 8 AM!

I just realised...Pat, Pran and the others must all be in their second year of uni already since they're not in the uniform of black trousers, white shirt, and tie. I'd always assumed they were all in the first year but now I realise that Pat's gone through a whole year of uni without Pran...a whole year of 'fierce eyes' and fighting and mis-directed energy. 🥺😭 Edit: The general consensus is that the show starts at the second half of their first year since the time-skip does say they go into 'year 2' in ep 7.

These young kids were SO GOOD.

Oh...Ohhhh...it's the way Pat and Pran use fists to fight, to fake-fight, and to put on a show of rivalry for others...but also to compromise, collude, and unify in secret. 🤯

Pran's so in love! But he's also so doomed! The dichotomy! 😂

#bad buddy #bad buddy series #badbuddyrewatch #bad buddy episode 1 #lin live-rambles the bad buddy rewatch #I didn't/don't really have time to join/make much this week #so this was the best I could do right now #I'm surprised I still had new thoughts or observations to make after all this time #HAPPY ANNIVERSARY bad buddy fans!

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f1-disaster-bi · 1 year

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hey,

maybe something for soulmate and scars with pando. Maybe it’s an au where they have tattoos that match.

Maybe lando was in a previous abusive relationship which left him with multiple bigger scars and cigarette burns, and he really struggles not to hide them in public and feels really insecure about them. Also because it reminds him of his ex. Perhaps that man faked his tattoo so lando thinks he’s actually his soulmate but he just wants ti use lando for his money. Lando is still young and impressionable so he doesn’t realise that the tattoo is not real. The man becomes more controlling and starts abusing him and lando feels like it’s his fault that the relationship isn’t thriving and that he should accept the treatment because it’s his soulmate. lando’s friends only start to notice when it’s basically too late. They can get him out by calling the police but it leaves lando emotionally and physically scarred so he needs a lot of therapy.

Pierre is basically his real soulmate and they realise soon after but lando is still seriously struggling and perhaps he doesn’t let himself believe that pierre‘s one is actually real. But pierre has so much patience and is so respectful of lando‘s boundaries. And helps hom feels confident again in his own body and be proud of what it is able to do even if there are scars.

I love this!!!

Lando being so young and from a known wealthy family. He's living on his own, trying to be independent despite his friends George, Alex, Max and Charles all offering for him to live with them. He wants to try live alone, and sure he knows his parents gave him this apartment, but he's paying the bills and working and doing university and he's damn proud of it. He's trying to be the best him because he wants to be good for his soulmate. He grew up with his parents who never fought, they were perfect soulmates and Lando wants that.

So when his classmate who is slightly older shows up with a soul mark that matches Lando's, Lando is so excited. Maybe he had crush on this man, and then he wears short sleeves one day and Lando sees it. They hit it off, and at first, he is so sweet. He's the perfect boyfriend, and no one blinks when he moves in with Lando after a month because "they are soulmates, this is how it is".

At the same time, Pierre joins the friend group and Lando feels an instant friendship with him, but they never see each others marks even if Pierre has a bit of a crush on Lando.

Until Lando shows up at George and Alex's apartment and he has hand prints on his throat, and a black eye and they realise how much weight he's lost and how little they've seen of him outside of uni. And they call the cops despite Lando crying and telling them not to because "it's my fault, I wasn't being a good soulmate, he is never like this, just let me stay here tonight until he cools down". Of course they see through that, they even call Max who has experience with abuse to talk to Lando and thats when Lando breaks and tells them everything. They get Lando's parent's involved, and it even goes to trial and Lando is a wreck.

It's about a month later when they all go away to the beach for a weekend to relax. Lando is still struggling, and he's refusing to take off his hoodie and jeans because he hasn't told them how badly scarred he is from the abuse. Pierre is sitting with him for a good bit, chatting and making him laugh and Lanod eventually encourages him to go have fun and when pierre takes his top off, Lando almost has a panic attack when he sees the mark. It matches his, and it just throws Lando right back to his ex and Pierre has no clue why until Charles is asking him how he has Lando's soulmark, and then explaining to him that his ex had Lando's mark tattooed once he over heard Lando's family were wealthy and had seen it in class by accident once.

Pierre feels awful, especially when Lando needs to have an emergecny therapy call, but he knows he will wait forever for Lando to heal before he ever entertains them acting on their soul bond.

And he tells Lando that, which takes some pressure off Lando yet they can't help but grow closer.

Maybe during a bad day when Lando is telling Pierre to leave, that he'll never love him and Pierre will never love him because "I'm ruined", and shows Pierre the scars because he's trying to scar ehim away.

But Pierre doesn't scare.

He just hugs Lando and tells him that those scars show how he survived. They show how Lando fought and survived and Pierre is proud of him everyday for deciding to go to George and Alex instead of hiding. That those marks are warrior marks and Lando has nothing to be ashamed of

#pando #pierre/lando #lando/pierre

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imogenleewriter · 10 months

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your tweet about researching security protocols for your fic really intrigued me! how far do you go for research and how do you go about it? (what questions do you ask/have you ever had any problems?)

In relation to this tweet.

Lol, I go too far for research. I just don't want anything to

The worst I've done was researching the schooling/education, as well as town/location for SMFM BECAUSE I use a fake name for the towns and the fact it was a grammar school was only mentioned once, so it was a waste of time. But it is based on a real place and the way they got into the Grammar school, and how they became a paramedic and psychology teacher are all legit. I also spent hours studying the villa they're staying at and given there is no floor plan, I literally drew every bedroom and studied every video I could to work out the layout and then tried to place them together. I would have spent about eight hours on it... and for what? No one needs to know where all fourteen bedrooms are???? That was a waste.

I've spent hours upon hours upon hours researching for YMAEWK, especially around the legalities of contracts, and just closeting and the music industry in general. I really want it to be in the realms of reality and while the storyline is different, there are definitely elements of it being canon as well. I think it's the only fic I've reached out to people for.

I think it's the only fic I've reached out to strangers for, and I've never had any issues except being ghosted, lol. I contacted about 15 music management businesses in Australia a couple of months ago, and not one of them got back to me. I've emailed three Uni professors in the UK who have PhDs in various areas of the music industry and have written publications on them and they all got back to me and were kind but couldn't tell me too much.

The business that tweet was about was okay. More confused than anything.

For ychiits, I just asked a lot of friends questions if they were in their area of speciality. I told them they couldn't ask me why I was asking, lol.

I just don't want to do anything that pulls people of the fic being like "well that's not realistic at all". The was one singular thing I said in ymaewk that I knew wasn't entirely true for the UK and someone from there called it out, lol. I needed to word it the way I did to move the plot in the direction that I did and someone caught it straight away. I don't want stuff like that to happen.

I was talking to to a friend about another fic - a really old one - and while they aren't from the UK, they are from Europe, and there was something in that fic that was an inconsistency for a fic set in the UK, and they went spoke about it for a good couple of minutes (which I thoroughly enjoyed, lol), but it was another reminder that inconsistencies can really throw people off.

I know people who can't read football au's because they aren't accurate enough, and they literally can't get through it because it makes them so angry.

There was a line in ychiits that I know someone knew was incorrect because she's an expert in the field, and I'm not, lol. I think she was able to overlook it enough to enjoy the fic, but it still stuck out to her (I don't know if I've fixed it yet, actually).

I'm sure there are plenty of other things I've overlooked as well. I realised that I hadn't even thought about the fact that in SMFM they're in Spain and I can't just assume that everyone there can speak English so I had to make some amendments to that.

And that's totally fine and if people would rather lose a couple of readers than do 30 hours of research, I completely understand and it's probably the smart thing to do... it's just not who I am, lol.

But if anyone does ever find inconsistencies, please DM me to let me know so I can fix them! I'd be so grateful and not at all offended lol.

#god I talk a lot of shit #answered anon

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angelfairyqueenheart · 5 months

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3:18am (BST) 14th december 2023

i met my ex for coffee today. the nice one, not the ones from school. it was good to see him. we were never really meant to be - but we work great as friends. he's kind. he sees with eyes and a mind that no one else i know does. he understands so deeply - and yearns to if he doesn't. he has piercing blue eyes and curly ginger hair that never really knows what it's doing. turns out we've been in the same city at uni for over a year now. his ears are pierced now. he has a cool green paisley sort of silk scarf. with that and his coat off he looks just the same as i knew him before though.

we broke up because my grandfather died. i didn't know how to deal with it. i already had bad mental health issues. it broke me a bit. a lot. once i went to this christian youth festival with my youth group and this kid a year younger than me said that i would undergo transformation, specifically like the art of kintsugi. you know, that japanese thing where they fix broken pots and stuff with liquid gold? my cracks and breaks would be sewn together with gold, they said. they didn't lie - i don't think.

i think the first evidence of that was when my grandad died. through my cracks and grief, a burning passion leaked through and made me stand up for myself for the first time. i realised the relationship wasn't right for me - it just immediately felt wrong, like a skin i had to shed or i'd have to live in it forever. mind you, i didn't deal with it right, i didn't have the wisdom or courage that i do now. not that i'm wise, or courageous. i changed my clothes too. my birthday rolled around and my now-partner gave me an amazon gift card so i bought the cheapest makeup i could find. i went thrifting and bought clothes that make me feel like a human being (and maybe a little bit cool).

that didn't help my mental health though - it didn't make it worse - but it didn't like, improve things. i was still a mess. i still drank at school for the next year and a half. i didn't trust anyone. i still don't trust anyone. i'd like to. my ex didn't see me much at all after we broke up. we met up for coffee after 5ish months... and then i ghosted him (again) (having just told him i'd be up for being friends). yeah not a great move morally. still keeps me up at night sometimes.

my partner didn't mind us meeting for coffee today (boyfriends sometimes do apparently). he didn't really show any opinion. he doesn't often, without me begging for it a bit. i ask the question 3 times for a response, you stare vacantly at me, fake an answer, i ask if you're sure. repeat. so yeah - i did miss my ex. i missed connection and a friend and things to talk about. he was always good to talk to. empathy levels off the charts. don't worry, i'm not gonna try and go back to him - i don't want to. i just need friends, and he's a good one. and my relationship isn't as bad as i make it sound lol but my boyfriend does know i'm not happy in it right now.

i did other things today too. i went pottery painting with the art society. one of the things i painted is for my sister. i hope she likes it. no idea if she will though. i got a sports bra from a charity shop (it's really comfy). i got a turtleneck from another charity shop (i've been really wanting one to wear under dresses [summer dresses can be for winter too]). and i got some uniqlo sports leggings from another reallllyyyy good charity shop. very good price (£6!!!!!! in 2023??? crazytown). i've been wanting to try and exercise a bit. for my brain more than for my body.

i should go to bed now. woke up at 10am this morning but now it's 3am. oh i did yoga too!! just felt like it. i have a creaky unused lil conker of a skeleton. she needed stretching wayyyy more than i realised. it was supposed to be relaxing meditation yoga but it make me a bit more stressed bc i couldn't stretch ffs. was fun anyway. it was for me. today was for me. it was taylor swifts birthday too today the swift society had a birthday party lol. it was fun. i made a terrible friendship bracelet with my own name on it. i won a prize. i was first on the kahoot for a bit. i'm not even that much of a swiftie. i think a girl flirted with me a tiny bit there? idk she probably didn't but i hope i'm right. i hope. i have hope right now. today was for me. night night.

#diary #dear diary #journal

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brakingpoint · 11 months

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tell us about Ellie!! she's your OC, right? (I know nothing about Braking Point sorry!!!) so tell us about her story, the way you wanted to develop her, how much you hated making her the catalyst for the compulsory third act conflict...

ELLIE.... she IS my OC and she's also my best girl in the world. i have never been attached to an oc the way i am to ellie. i'm putting this under a cut because it's going to be a ginormous rant

ellie was one of the first parts of this fic that really came to life for me - i knew as soon as i came up with the premise of "devon says something homophobic and has to fake date aiden about it" that we were going to have to involve his press person. i was initially very much inspired by some of charlotte sefton's interactions with lando during her stint at mclaren but like, turned up to 11 because devon is... a bit of a nightmare. i immediately had this image of ellie as someone very very direct & no nonsense as a stark contrast to devon's penchant for theatrics and never quite saying what he actually means. i knew that ellie has been working with devon since he started in f1 so she knows him (though, of course, he still finds ways to surprise her) and she's probably only a couple of years older than him, sort of existing as an exasperated big sister figure. working with devon was probably one of her first jobs out of uni, which is definitely a baptism of fire for your PR career.

(a really silly side note is that i used to live near elephant & castle, and therefore the london college of communication, last year, and i just immediately decided that was where ellie went to uni. her surname then came from me thinking about her on the bus while going through e&c and passing two estate agents - chase evans and gordon & co. in my head she's always been ellie gordon-evans because it scans really nicely when you say it out loud but turns out it looks a bit clumsy in print. hence why in the fic she's just ellie gordon.)

as for developing ellie, i also knew immediately that i wanted her and devon to become friends. i think ellie is quite a lonely person. she's a workaholic (she genuinely adores her job even though her client is a walking migraine), she can be abrasive and demanding in how she talks to people, and i sort of struggled from the outset to imagine her having any real friends, in or out of the paddock. i didn't set out to write her as autistic but i had my personal autistic realisation midway through the writing process and around the time i was writing chapter 13, when she comes to see devon after the breakup, i thought ah wait. person who is in control and socially competent professionally but struggles to make and maintain friendships irl and brings people gifts and does things for them because she doesn't know how else to show affection? the call is coming from inside the house. i also think this is where her interest in PR started - having spent her whole life masking she has this carefully honed awareness of saying the right things to the right people (in a professional context, anyway) so as a career path it feels like a natural extension of her own life. i don't think ellie is diagnosed, and she probably won't ever get diagnosed or even feel the need to explore that aspect of herself, but once i realised i'd written an autistic character she made a lot more sense to me.

as for making her the catalyst for the third act conflict... honestly i loved it. firstly i very much wanted to avoid falling too hard into the classic misguided attempt at feminism that often occurs in fanfiction when a competent snarky girlboss exists solely to get the two guys together. that's sort of difficult to avoid in this fic with ellie's professional role so i thought you know what, i want her to mess this up, and i want her to mess it up badly, and then i want to put the ball in devon's court to fix it.

as for how she was going to fuck up, my entire inspiration was alana beck in dear evan hansen. much like ellie, alana is a very accomplished but extraordinarily lonely person who compensates through achievement and making herself useful. when she sees an opportunity to get involved in something and be helpful she leaps in full force even though she can be... a bit much to handle as a personality. and then her desperation to contribute curdles into a full blown obsession with the cause, she does something that takes it way too far in a last gasp rescue effort, and it all blows up in everybody's face. i felt like if ellie was going to mess up there was going to be that same guiding mechanism behind it. so yeah - no regrets about her being the one to accidentally mess things up, if anything i hope it made her more human.

also as a final note. idk exactly how or when it happened but my faceclaim for ellie is maya hawke. so now you know

#repverse

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coetlin · 2 years

Text

Here to post my goals for the #48HC challenge created by @zen-shu . But I feel like ending it after 3 days instead, idk.

What I’m bringing into my 3d:

Enrolled at my dream uni

Uni accommodation all sorted with me living somewhere gorgeous with genuinely kind and helpful housemates

My desired face, body, hair & especially teethh

Never having to give much thought for money but always having more than enough for anything I could possibly ever want

Effortlessly brilliant & articulate when I want to be

Easily make genuine, high quality friendships with great people wherever I go

New wardrobe

20/20 vision

Innately knowing the gender, case, and conjugation needed for any German word (bc I love language learning but I really don’t rock with this)

Me actually being a good writer

… and some other stuff I may get into once they manifest.

My methods:

Living in the end

Affirming whenever

Revising any memories that arise that don’t align with my desires

SATS/ daydreaming

‘Fake’ texts

My motivation:

My desires, which have already manifested in the 4D, are truth and life. Like it’s said in the song ‘Law of attraction’ by Kanye West (aka another book of the bible, duh): the words you speak, the thoughts you think, the scenes you imagine; all live and breath. They hold the power to make change. They are the living reality. They are the source of consciousness, the birthplace of ingenuity.

It’s important for the 4D to be contrasted with the 3D, which is also a reality, yes, but a dead reality nonetheless. The 3D is created by past thoughts, feelings, and imaginings, which regardless of their contents, were indiscriminately mirrored into the physical. The 3D plays no active role in the drama of creation. It has no impact whatsoever on the realness or validity of your desired reality. As long as you can imagine any aspect of your desired reality, it is real and it is yours.

If I could completely saturate my mind with one sensation and walk as though it were already a fact, I am promised that I do not need more than a three day diet if I remain faithful to it. But I must be honest about it. If I change my diet in the course of the day, I extend the time interval. — Neville Goddard

I’m going to go through whatever motions the 3D calls for but I won’t allow myself to give them much weight. If my thoughts or feelings are negatively impacted by my 3D, I’ll just affirm or revise or whatever.

End date: 29th July

Oh! And another part of my philosophy is influenced by the bible verse, Matthew 25:29:

For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away.

This is just to remind me to be grateful for what I do have and notice how the things I already have in the 3d are closer to my desires than I realise. So I’m not seeing myself as “I’m ugly asf, always have been and kinda believe I always will be, but I want to be hot” but instead as “I’m already hot, it’s great but I want to be hotter. That’s no big deal”.

So yeahhh, los geht’s!

#success story #law of assumption #neville goddard #48hc

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squishmallow36 · 2 years

Text

Keeper of the Lost Prepositions - Fifty-nine

Word count: 2.9k

Tw: none

(this chapter is incredibly gay and probably unrealistic. But i had hcs and i was running out of fic to implement them naturally, okay?)

Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed!): @stellar-lune @gaslight-gaetkeep-gayboss @kamikothe1and0lny @nyxpixels @florida-fruity-frog @poppinspop @crystallinewalker @uni-seahorse-572 @solreefs @never-mourn-the-good @rusted-phone-calls @when-wax-wings-melt @cotyledon-tomentosa @good-old-fashioned-lover-boy7 @dexter-dizzknees @abubble125 @callum-hunt-is-bisexual @blossomsxgalorex

On Ao3 or below the cut!

Monday rolls around, and nothing pertinent happened since last week’s very interesting new information. I worked on Gisela’s ability amplifier--which is what I’m calling the enhancer thingy because of the alliteration factor alone--all weekend.

I’m woken up by my alarm at way-too-early o’clock, my Spotify playlist on shuffle choosing Danse Macabre by Camile Saint-Saëns. That’s not ominous at all.

“Exile, why does that alarm have to go off so early?” I groan into my pillow.

I flip myself over and sit up to make sure I don’t fall back asleep, and wait for the song to finish before turning my alarm off. I may sit here all day listening to music if I don’t. And that isn’t generally a good idea when you have school.

Despite all of my precautions, I half-fall back asleep, but snap awake when I realise what my brain is desperately trying to do.

Somehow, I get myself moving, and check my texts, mostly to see if Fitz sent me anything. Although I wouldn’t admit that.

Just making sure you don't sleep until noon today. Would be a shame to miss your first day back, he says.

I reply, I may be up but I am most certainly not awake.

:) cya at school.

Bold of you to assume I don’t pass out before I get there.

I will personally drag you over here if I have to.

Preposition, Wonderboy. I’m disappointed in you.

:( I’m disappointed in myself.

I smile and leave him on the dresser so I can actually get ready for school. After grabbing a quick breakfast, I herd the Triplets to the Leapmaster, and make sure we all leap to Foxfire.

They can and will try to escape if I don’t. They try even if I do.

I feel an arm slip around my waist, and my natural reaction is to try to escape from my attacker, until I see that it’s merely my boyfriend.

The thought that I can call Fitz back fills my stomach with butterflies every time.

“Sorry,” I mumble, calming myself down.

Fitz just smiles and presses me closer.

Not one to pass up this opportunity, I snuggle into his side, just a little terrified of what might happen if someone notices.

“So what’s your first class?” Fitz asks.

“Elvin History,” I fake gag. “With Lady Asatira. You?”

We start walking that way as he answers, “Alchemy with Lady Kimiya. I don’t see why you have such a problem with Elvin History. That’s great.”

“No, what’s great is Alchemy. And it would be so great if we could trade your Alchemy that you clearly don’t want for my Elvin History that I very much do not want to do. Why should I care about the thirty-six thousand times the ogres went to war with the goblins?”

“Okay, I will admit that they are a little overeager sometimes. But Alchemy is still unnecessarily difficult, though.”

“And it has, on average, more holes in the ceiling,” I add.

“You call that fun, I call that needlessly dangerous.”

“Nah, it’s not all that fun, it’s just really easy, so it’s one of the few times when I don’t have to think.”

We stop in front of Asatira’s door, and Fitz says, refusing to argue with that, “This is where we part. Farewell, for now.”

“See you later.” I begrudgingly pull myself away from him, and, after that, it’s a little more difficult to focus on class than usual. And by that I mean I spend half the class thinking about him, taking like seven notes so then I can say I’m paying attention, and sketching some projects that I’ll never end up building.

Basically, if I ever have to recite all of the Trollish Emperors, we’re all doomed. But I don’t see how that will ever be relevant.

It also doesn’t help that I get hungry like three-quarters through the lesson for the simple fact that I don’t eat much breakfast because the idea of food when I get up so early isn’t appealing.

So, when the lunch bell rings, Asatira gives me mountains of homework, and I escape as fast as I possibly can.

I catch up with Fitz somewhere in the halls, and decide I get to scare him the same way he did earlier by slipping my arm around him.

He doesn’t even react. Disappointing.

“Was Alchemy as horrible as you were thinking?”

“I have so much homework. And you’re going to be doing it all.”

“Then you’re gonna do my history essay. Stupid trolls and their very, very long list of emperors and I don’t give a verminion’s behind about any of them.”

“You love essays. And googling things. That should make it easier for you.”

“Have fun trying to find information on the human internet about a species that the humans don’t even know exists.”

“You got me there.”

We reach the cafeteria, and I know what he’s thinking without telling me, so I hold him closer for a moment before letting him go.

The side where he was is so cold and empty now. And not just because of the laws of thermodynamics.

We still sit down next to each other, though. Can’t get rid of each other that easily.

“Hello, people. It’s almost like I haven’t seen you in a whole week,” I say.

Biana replies, smiling. “Yeah. It’s also come to my attention that the lot of you don’t know that I’m bi,” She gives a double thumbs up, to which I respond with another double thumbs up.

She adds, “And while we’re at it, I also found a thing called neopronouns and then unironically fell in love with a set.”

“May I ask which one that is?” I ask after a second, pleasantly surprised no one needed a tutorial on neopronouns.

“Ae/aer,” ae answers.

“Cool. The vibes on those are immaculate. I don’t use them but,” I nod.

“Do you have anything you want to tell us, Dex?”

“I don’t want to impose,” I reply, knowing full well that it’s my only argument.

“Fine. Let’s take this opportunity and everyone who’s ready to come out can without worrying about taking the spotlight away from someone else. Maybe we can pass something around the table and you’re only allowed to talk while you have it.”

I dig out the little keychain Mr. Snuggles Fitz has been carrying around in his bag--because there can never be too many Snuggles. He glares at me as I try to give it to Biana.

“No, I’ve already said my piece. You take it.”

I sigh.

Tam holds out his hand. “Give me the starsexile Mr. Snuggles if you need five minutes to collect yourself.”

I pretty much throw baby Mr. Snuggles to him.

“So, yeah, I’m gay, if anyone cares. It’s amazing what being surrounded by the gays known as the Neverseen can do. I don’t think there’s a straight one among them.”

“And pronouns?” Marella asks.

Tam laughs dryly. “No. Don’t refer to me if you can help it. I guess nameself would be acceptable if you have absolutely no other options. And for that, you get Mr. Snuggles.”

Tam drops him in front of her.

“I’m just your friendly neighbourhood pyrokinetic lesbian. What else do you want?”

“No fancy pronouns?” I ask. “Fi/fire and ar/son exist.”

“Oh no, that sounds fun. I will look into that and let y’all know later. And with that, I giveth this to you, Linh.”

She sets Mr. Snuggles gently in front of her girlfriend.

Linh half-smiles. “Fair warning, this may change, but, as of now, I’m using genderfluid lesbian. I know I wasn’t sure when we talked last. And fae/faer pronouns because gender had to do that, didn’t it?”

A chorus of agreement reverberates around our table.

“Also, while we’re at it,” fae adds. “One of the reasons the Elves Tam and I got our genetics from hate us so much is because one of us was a very trans eleven year old, despite not knowing that word existed. Have fun guessing which one it was.”

Sophie chimes in, “If you don’t want to tell us, then we’ll just leave it alone. That’s your business, so I don’t see why we should care.”

Linh is smiling so widely as fae says, “I don’t think I have anything else,” before giving baby Mr. Snuggles back to me.

I’m just shaking a little bit as I say, “I’m out as gay to all of you, right? I’ve kind of lost track of who knows at this point.”

I wait for confirmation around the table before continuing, “Okay. I’ve also jumped on the neopronoun bandwagon. I’ve added xe/xem, but then I had to go change the possessive form to xor instead of xyr because I just had to be difficult. I’m still holding on to he/him, at least at the moment, so if you’d mark all of that down in your mental dictionaries, it’d be greatly appreciated.”

“Wait a second,” Linh says once I pause to breathe. “Last week, Fitz didn’t give us the name of the person working with the Neverseen. But he used ‘xor’ at one point, if I remember correctly. Is it you?”

I don’t want to lie to everyone here, as bad of a decision that may end up being. “...please don’t tell anyone. The fewer people that know, the less likely it will be that the Neverseen find out what I’m doing. It is entirely self-preservation.”

Sophie leans forward onto his elbows. “Dex, are you sure you’re not Vulcan?”

“My ears aren’t pointy yet, right?” I ask, reaching up to check.

Sophie sighs. “We should just be one gigantic cognate polycule and then maybe we won’t try to hide things from each other for once in our lives.”

“Like you haven’t hidden things from Fitzy,” I point out.

“Shut up,” she mutters.

I give baby Mr. Snuggles to Fitz to keep him travelling around the table without thinking about what I’m doing. When I realise, I fully expect him to pass Mr. Snuggles on to Sophie or stuff him back in his bag to end this madness.

Dex, I’m going to tell them about us. If your opinion regarding that has changed since last week when we told Sophie, please let me know by stepping on my foot, Fitz transmits.

If he wants to come out, I’m not going to stop him. I just hope he’s thought this through.

“To join the party, I’m bi.” He pauses for a moment, and I see him swallow hard. “And also dating Dex right here.”

With that, Biana, Linh, and Marella all start asking every single question regarding us at the exact same time. Or maybe they’re just screaming. It’s difficult to tell what they’re saying.

I’m too distracted by them to notice Fitz wilting beside me before he gets up and runs off.

I turn around, watching him as he disappears down a hallway.

“I’m gonna go chase after him. Sophie, I give you the metaphorical Mr. Snuggles while I’m gone. Text me if you need anything,” I call behind me as I start chasing after him.

There is one major flaw to this plan: I don’t run. I’m winded after about thirty seconds. I slow to a fast walk as I check empty classroom after empty classroom with no luck.

Breathing hard, I lean against a post, eyes scrunched closed, trying desperately to find a more efficient way to find him. I whisper to myself, “Where would Keefe go, where would Keefe go, where would--the Mentor’s Cafeteria.”

I take a half step in that direction before realising, “No, all of the mentors would be there. Where would Keefe go, where would Keefe--his level six wing ditching spot.”

I think it over for a moment, making sure there isn’t an obvious reason Fitz wouldn’t be able to go there before taking off in that direction.

I find him right there, and I sigh in relief as much as my very winded lungs can manage.

It takes half a moment to register, but he’s curled up in a ball, presumably crying. A soft “oh, Fitz” escapes my lips as I run to him and bury him in a hug.

“Sorry,” he whispers, accent turned up to a hundred and ten percent, from where he’s tucked into the crook of my neck.

“Don’t apologise,” I say automatically.

“Bloody hypocrite.”

“I know.”

After a short pause, I ask, “Do you want to talk about it?” knowing full well what’s been going through his mind.

Fitz merely shakes his head.

I start tracing slow circles on his back, and he snuggles farther into my shoulder.

With my free hand, I let Sophie know that I have, in fact, found Fitz. He has not run off as far as he possibly could have.

After a few minutes that I refuse to admit are as wonderful as they are, Fitz sniffles, “You should go back to the cafeteria.”

“I’m not going to leave you here to wallow in your misery alone…also I don’t know how to get back. I don’t know this side of campus very well.”

Fitz snorts a little. “So I should get myself together before I make you miss class.”

Not wanting to affirm that he is correct, instead, I reply, “Well, you haven’t wiped your nose on me in like two minutes, so I think we’re already heading in a good direction.”

Fitz wipes his nose on me for good measure for that comment.

“Thanks.”

“I do what I can,” he replies, smiling.

The bell rings at exactly the most unnecessary time.

“Do you want me to stay?” I ask, looking at Fitz, still gorgeous even with red, puffy eyes and blotchy cheeks.

“I’m not going to keep you. As much as I may want to live right here.”

How is he so perfect? I press a soft kiss against his forehead.

He looks up at me, smiling in his way that makes my heart flutter uncontrollably.

“I guess I should’ve started with that,” he says. “What class do you have next?”

“Universe with Sir Geza. You?”

“Metaphysics with Sir Shankara. Clear across the campus.” He points down a hallway. “That’ll take you back to the level four wing as long as you don’t get distracted and turn down another hallway. I’ll see you in Study Hall?”

“Thanks, and yeah. And then I’ve got to finish off the Godzilla insanity. I said I’d get it done by the end of today so maybe I should work on that for once.”

Fitz pulls himself away from me, and I try not to want to grab back on to him. I should really go to class, not be distracted by my boyfriend.

I make sure he’s fine enough to handle going to class, just down around a few corners from here, before I take off down the hallway he indicated earlier. The walls shift from white to red to green before I know where I am again. I find my locker and switch out my books as quickly as I can, then I get myself to class just barely in time.

We go over the Deirfiúracha, and their thousand other names depending on who you ask. I’ve apparently also spent too much time staring at screens because I can only see five out of the seven main stars.

Yeah, Sir Geza isn’t thrilled with that. He just ups the brightness and moves on with the lesson.

I can’t prove that he gives me more homework because of that but I can’t disprove it either.

I reach Study Hall before Fitz does, after hitting my locker for my Elvin History books. He collapses next to me, and drops the stack of his Alchemy homework on the table in front of me.

In response, I give him my Elvin History books that I’m sure he won’t need.

I get distracted by a page or two of Fitz’s absurdly easy Alchemy worksheets, before making myself work on the Ability Amplifier.

It’s nearly there, I’m sure. It’s just that the code doesn’t want to compile. I can leave it super buggy, but it should at least compile. Usually it’s a typo, and those are easy to find when there is a literal red squiggle under it, telling me there’s an issue.

This may purposely be low effort but that’s just a little pathetic.

I get it to sort-of-functioning, and by that I mean my test cases are coming back how I want them, but it’s still pretty buggy, knowing what it’s supposed to do.

Hey, if the thing doesn’t work, then I can just argue that I didn’t give it enough time to work. I’m terrible at estimating how long things will take so it’s not exactly a lie.

The fact that I have to rationalize that to myself says so much.

In the last five minutes of Study Hall, I send an email to Gisela to let her know that it’s as close to done as I’m going to get it. And then, after class, I stuff it in my locker. If Fitz’s prediction is correct, then I won’t have to go that far to get it when Godzilla needs it.

And then I drag Fitz over to my house because I’m making him sit there while I work on his Alchemy homework. At least he has the opportunity to hide from Keefe while he writes my essay.

That I’m going to heavily edit once he’s done. Sometimes I may sound like him, but not to that extent. At least not yet.

#kotlc #detz #dex dizznee #fitz vacker #kotlc fanfic

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lapata-lupt · 1 year

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let's hear that rant

the reason I didn't just post the rant and said I have one is bc am struggling to phrase it properly... but idk I was just thinking about how I literally do not understand why people keep perceiving me as "innocent"... they always have, and maybe I get it a little bit why it was like that before, but even then we were all children and nerdy and naïve, but I was always especially picked out for being "innocent". I understand why it was like that when I was 12, because I had this thing in my life where I pretended pretended know nothing about sex or romance at school cause i realised it got me attention(even tho it was just lowkey bullying)... so I kept playing innocent when everyone was discovering sex, even tho I knew more about porn, sex and romance than anything of them ever could cause i discovered porn on my dad's phone where weird uncles had chats where they shared porn which he was more or less unwillingly a part of... and i obsessively watched it every night by stealing his phone at night... but then I eventually removed that perception by having a reputation for making scandalous jokes, especially after i moved!!! I started afresh, but still people keep perceiving me as innocent?? even when I was super loud with cusswords, sexual remarks everything... I think amoung my freinds I wasnt the innocent one but still one of the "child like"?? they never patronized me but idk. but ofc in my grade, I was the innocent one, people would always get shocked when when would talk talk me. m in a new environment AGAIN, in fucking uni and for some reason that reputation still have gotten ahold of me again? everyone gets shocked when they discover me smoking or drinking, like they weren't expecting me to do that,, they get shocked if I say I have sucked a dick (which may have to do more with my ugliness than innocence so that's ok but they get shocked to know I know about like kinky sex like wtf)? they get shocked if I wear a dress, of I go clubbing, when they discover that am really good at life advice and social situations and relationships... like idk what the fuck contributes to it? i look unconventional but not nerdy? I wonder if it's the specks? but then am thinking of other people who aren't perceived like that and it really crosses out anything from my appearance from the list of reasons. with my piercings and I show off skin I don't get what it is uk that keeps making people alienate me like this... m considering if it's my super open and naïve behavior, the fact I trust too easily, or that I carry myself like a child, but that doesn't make much sense to me in many cases because some of the people who make those assumptions they don't know me, I haven't held any conversations with them to display my naivety or something... is it just the fact that am kind? that I dont have 2 faces? I was talking to my friend right whose all into all this social politics and playing double games not being genuine etc etc and she was telling me how am like "good" and how no one else in the uni is like that. and she told me about how this other person is probably playing me, and am not getting it... and i realsied that that person was and I thought they were like genuine but ig they are not and they always treat me with like care and a bit of a a patronizing attitude but I let them cause they are like 3 years older than me but now am wondering if it's cause they think of innocent and need to be protected cause people keep doing that... I dont get it, I don't understand how to get rid of this. do I have to be rude to people, and have that thing in my eye that indicates am not genuine or open, that u need to eb vary of me? do I have to start having that obviously fake smile? like every basic bitch does? I can't do genuine, kind, open?? I probably need to shut the fuck up I guess? but m thinking that's so fucked up? m confused all over, I dont even know what am saying and if it makes any sense but yeah

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pampinto · 7 months

Text

(message from me once finishing: I wrote this as a stream of conciseness when I was upset, Idk if I even have a point to get across I haven't read it)

I am just fucking crazy.

I didn't do the cleaning because I am a lazy piece of shit who doesn't want to get better.

they are asking a reasonable thing and I am reacting poorly.

when asked if i am going to do the cleaning today no is an inappropriate answer unless justified, i have to give a justification regardless of how personal the answer is.

I MUST KNOW I am being unreasonable at the centre of it.

IDK i feel like there is a hostile home environment wherein if I say no, to any request, as long as the request is reasonable I am an asshole, I should be able to say no, and I shouldn't need to drudge into why.

maybe stopping citalopram was a bad idea, maybe leaving a job on old terms was a bad idea, maybe starting a new job at the same time was a bad idea, maybe stressing about how "much" you have transitioned is a bad idea, maybe being balzie about how much you have made an effort to transition knowing full well your going to regret it later is a bad idea, maybe letting that get to your head was a very bad idea.

maybe these messages are playing on your mind (these messages are a combonation from my two housemates xx and yy)

yy:"We understand you might not be in the best headspace all the time But it's not an excuse to be so difficult"

I have tried to explain myself in the past and it hasn't worked and just lead to further interrogation wherein it is decided my life isn't so bad so I shouldn't be depressed really and I am choosing to be depressed. and I didn't say anything at the time because I don't want to loose my only friend, but I now I realise its hurtful, and I should have said something, but if I'm faking depression what else does he think I am faking, he has continued to use bro despite being asked not to (I never call him out). No that is an evil thought in my mind to make me feel crazy and unsafe and its not true.

xx:"I shouldn’t even have to ask you to clean, you’re 25 years old and should have learnt by now to just do it. i understand that you’re mental health isn’t the best but at the end of the day that is not my responsibility and you need to start being productive on the days where it’s not as bad."

I have said in the past what may seem simple and automatic for some may be hard for others, I have also explained when I am in a bad spot simple things like cleaning, eating, brushing my teeth, bathing all fall to the wayside.

I never really like the you are X years old thing as an argument as it implies a communal experience through life where by everyone learns the exact same skills and habits at certain ages, when the truth is everyone diverges in skills the older they get. But coming from a 21 y/o it makes sense not a dig at their age but like idk mang I grew up in a house with two working parents where we cleaned the house once a month we didn't do weekly cleans.

yy:"No I'm definitely getting it, you want a free pass from doing housework no questions asked

I don't care if I lived in worse places before that's really irrelevant, it's not uni anymore, I like being cleaner than that now.

Pam you have the facilities to do 30 mins of housework a week, you would just rather smoke weed and watch YouTube."

Again it feels like they are seeing my depression as an excuse to get away with not cleaning rather than an explanation to why its not being done.

I had said "we have both lived in houses that have been a lot worse" it was a response to you'd have a hard time in any other house, except I haven't, I have lived in 4 shared accommodation houses, with housemates that did varying degrees of cleaning. Now in all fairness I do watch a lot of you tube and sometimes partake (if your an employer please have already stopped reading, if not please no I was in a bad place in my life was written and I'm over it now) but I don't think they get the paralysis/exhaustion that can come from being depressed.

yy"Life's tough, everyone has shit going, I'm not denying that you're struggling, but if you want to live in peace You have to make more of an effort to pull your weight, Or at least be a better communicator and not be so difficult when youre asked to do your fair share"

again its very I know your struggling but who get on with it or deal with the backlash. I have tried to communicate before, just to be told I'm making excuses I am making it up.

This all started from

xx:"we need to keep an eye on it in the meantime [I was being accused of turning the heating on in the middle of the night before suggesting that it may just have an auto feature when the temp drops], please do some cleaning today"

me: "no"

xx:"why"

me: "I don't need to explain myself to you."

xx:"I really don't want this to be an argument, all I'm asking is that you do one bit of cleaning each week"

me: just leave me alone xx

"why is this such a problem"[end]

idk I am just tired of saying I don't feel up for it and being met with backlash they were only asking why to argue I had the time to do it, of course I had time to do it, unfortunately at the time i could have done it, I was a depressed lump trying to slowly drown herself in the sofa. my housemate has asked not to hear about my depression or any struggles as it effects her mental heath as she then feels responsible, fine but what do I say when that's the answer to the question.

Probably not " I don't need to explain myself" that wasn't a good idea. I feel the response after is threatening an argument, which with her includes personal digs, manipulation, intimidation and passive aggressive abusive tactics. But in retrospect I can see that i could be seen as starting the argument by refusing to elaborate. but as said above what am i supposed to answer? if I answer yes and it doesn't get done then its double damn me, its a no win situation.

Like I think I have just lost the fucking plot, jumped of the depended into incomprehensible thought. I must be unreasonable in my position they must be right, right? what the fuck can I even do I have pushed it beyond limits. I am the problem and I always am.

#aita #look I didn't write this for an audience #i said no to cleaning this sunday #its spiralled out of control #i am definitely the asshole #but at the same time #am i being gaslit?#ive been on this website over 10 years how tf do you put a break in #depression #citalopram #cleaning #I WORKED IT OUT

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