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pampinto · 8 months

Text

(message from me once finishing: I wrote this as a stream of conciseness when I was upset, Idk if I even have a point to get across I haven't read it)

I am just fucking crazy.

I didn't do the cleaning because I am a lazy piece of shit who doesn't want to get better.

they are asking a reasonable thing and I am reacting poorly.

when asked if i am going to do the cleaning today no is an inappropriate answer unless justified, i have to give a justification regardless of how personal the answer is.

I MUST KNOW I am being unreasonable at the centre of it.

IDK i feel like there is a hostile home environment wherein if I say no, to any request, as long as the request is reasonable I am an asshole, I should be able to say no, and I shouldn't need to drudge into why.

maybe stopping citalopram was a bad idea, maybe leaving a job on old terms was a bad idea, maybe starting a new job at the same time was a bad idea, maybe stressing about how "much" you have transitioned is a bad idea, maybe being balzie about how much you have made an effort to transition knowing full well your going to regret it later is a bad idea, maybe letting that get to your head was a very bad idea.

maybe these messages are playing on your mind (these messages are a combonation from my two housemates xx and yy)

yy:"We understand you might not be in the best headspace all the time But it's not an excuse to be so difficult"

I have tried to explain myself in the past and it hasn't worked and just lead to further interrogation wherein it is decided my life isn't so bad so I shouldn't be depressed really and I am choosing to be depressed. and I didn't say anything at the time because I don't want to loose my only friend, but I now I realise its hurtful, and I should have said something, but if I'm faking depression what else does he think I am faking, he has continued to use bro despite being asked not to (I never call him out). No that is an evil thought in my mind to make me feel crazy and unsafe and its not true.

xx:"I shouldn’t even have to ask you to clean, you’re 25 years old and should have learnt by now to just do it. i understand that you’re mental health isn’t the best but at the end of the day that is not my responsibility and you need to start being productive on the days where it’s not as bad."

I have said in the past what may seem simple and automatic for some may be hard for others, I have also explained when I am in a bad spot simple things like cleaning, eating, brushing my teeth, bathing all fall to the wayside.

I never really like the you are X years old thing as an argument as it implies a communal experience through life where by everyone learns the exact same skills and habits at certain ages, when the truth is everyone diverges in skills the older they get. But coming from a 21 y/o it makes sense not a dig at their age but like idk mang I grew up in a house with two working parents where we cleaned the house once a month we didn't do weekly cleans.

yy:"No I'm definitely getting it, you want a free pass from doing housework no questions asked

I don't care if I lived in worse places before that's really irrelevant, it's not uni anymore, I like being cleaner than that now.

Pam you have the facilities to do 30 mins of housework a week, you would just rather smoke weed and watch YouTube."

Again it feels like they are seeing my depression as an excuse to get away with not cleaning rather than an explanation to why its not being done.

I had said "we have both lived in houses that have been a lot worse" it was a response to you'd have a hard time in any other house, except I haven't, I have lived in 4 shared accommodation houses, with housemates that did varying degrees of cleaning. Now in all fairness I do watch a lot of you tube and sometimes partake (if your an employer please have already stopped reading, if not please no I was in a bad place in my life was written and I'm over it now) but I don't think they get the paralysis/exhaustion that can come from being depressed.

yy"Life's tough, everyone has shit going, I'm not denying that you're struggling, but if you want to live in peace You have to make more of an effort to pull your weight, Or at least be a better communicator and not be so difficult when youre asked to do your fair share"

again its very I know your struggling but who get on with it or deal with the backlash. I have tried to communicate before, just to be told I'm making excuses I am making it up.

This all started from

xx:"we need to keep an eye on it in the meantime [I was being accused of turning the heating on in the middle of the night before suggesting that it may just have an auto feature when the temp drops], please do some cleaning today"

me: "no"

xx:"why"

me: "I don't need to explain myself to you."

xx:"I really don't want this to be an argument, all I'm asking is that you do one bit of cleaning each week"

me: just leave me alone xx

"why is this such a problem"[end]

idk I am just tired of saying I don't feel up for it and being met with backlash they were only asking why to argue I had the time to do it, of course I had time to do it, unfortunately at the time i could have done it, I was a depressed lump trying to slowly drown herself in the sofa. my housemate has asked not to hear about my depression or any struggles as it effects her mental heath as she then feels responsible, fine but what do I say when that's the answer to the question.

Probably not " I don't need to explain myself" that wasn't a good idea. I feel the response after is threatening an argument, which with her includes personal digs, manipulation, intimidation and passive aggressive abusive tactics. But in retrospect I can see that i could be seen as starting the argument by refusing to elaborate. but as said above what am i supposed to answer? if I answer yes and it doesn't get done then its double damn me, its a no win situation.

Like I think I have just lost the fucking plot, jumped of the depended into incomprehensible thought. I must be unreasonable in my position they must be right, right? what the fuck can I even do I have pushed it beyond limits. I am the problem and I always am.

#aita #look I didn't write this for an audience #i said no to cleaning this sunday #its spiralled out of control #i am definitely the asshole #but at the same time #am i being gaslit?#ive been on this website over 10 years how tf do you put a break in #depression #citalopram #cleaning #I WORKED IT OUT

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