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i-love--you · 1 month

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there is too much i must say i've been here, on this page, for hours at a time, but i can't find any words.

the pretentious, colloquial, insincere way that they move is like a brick through honey. i've tried to eat it, it seems sweet, healing even; but now there's blood on my mouth and cigarette butts on the floor.

he marks it as my destiny, to forever be set apart, to always be unnatural; artificial. i am an artifical being stitched and stapled into a human skin. there is too much to do--too much to say.

the so-called equality disgusised as equity, set under the bills and coins from a dystopian society, is where my only worth is tied to a number. i look down and i see xx.y. i see xy.z. and zy.x. and they tell me to be happy, but how could i ever be happy when xxx and yyy are tumbling around faster than casablanca's earthquakes?

there are cigarettes and shards with pink all over them; and the pink isn't mine. someone was here years and tears before me, did they leave them to garner my approval? how would he even know if i approve when he drank himself to death? not alcohol; no; he drank poison and called it medicine. he made me drink it too and when i refused he poured it down my throat.

there are red eyes which need stitches closed and they're mind-numbingly lovely. they call me by all the names i've given myself and squeeze my head tight. they intrude into the most despairingly atrocious parts of my brain and cut them open with dull knives.

why does a dull knife hurt more than a sharp one?

did i find my words yet?

i think so, maybe; but not enough.

none to tell the red/blue flashes to leave me alone. every time i see them they seem to flash in my face especially more. they put me into yellow manila folders and turn them into gashes too deep for even stitches.

-----2

you are the person who i hide from with big red curtains covering the windowsill. do you often hide from those you love?

why should i look up into the cloudy night sky, just to have a chance at seeing a few hopeful stars, when i could always gaze at the constellations in your soul?

it's as if the sun sets himself on fire, and screams in pain, just to keep us warm. as the moon turns, wanes, and cries just to give us night.

the doorbell rings, and i answer it before anyone else can. yet i still hide behind the door, because the most beautiful things i have ever seen in my entire life were the archaic cornerstores, from centuries ago; the black&white films from the 50s-- but you look better than them all.

i like the way you dress and i like the way you smile i think that if i could, i would wipe every problem and every war off the face of the earth, just to see you happy.

you remind me of warm brown sweaters made from hand, that limited edition starbucks coffee mix i bought last fall, and maybe the feeling of home.

i try and look for a home, the terrible apartment with 40°C weather isn't a proper place to stay.

i think maybe home isn't a place but more of a feeling. and i think that i feel that when i'm with you.

i think that you could probably wear the same clothes for days and i would still find you beautiful.

today i saw a girl with perfect makeup. she was nice, yes, but i would pick you over her and anyone else every single time. i find you better than everyone, i think, and i'd string ten billion lightbulbs from the night sky just to give you stars.

i miss you when you're not there and i feel better when you are, which is why it is unfathomable to me when you say you dislike yourself. i think that when you grow up in a home as terrible as yours, you mature too quickly, and then your classmates can't relate to you.

i have felt the same a thousand million times, and it's not a problem with you; it never was; it is only a problem with them.

you are pretty like glass-stained windows and warm coffees in december, roses without thorns and sparkling silvery jewelry, and like the frosted dew on petals <3

forgive me, if i forget my words, and spill them all like hot coffee. let me kiss you instead, i will let my lips paint all the paintings that my tumultous little heart cannot.

you took all the broken shards of my heart and glued them together, carefully fitting them back. you put your fingers inside my chest, and separate the blue from red wires, gently pushing them in better spots.

to fall is a mistake; something to be avoided. i did not fall into love with you on accident, i did it on purpose. because whether it is 2024, or 1924, or 2524, i will always choose you. people ask, "who will choose you first, in a room full of people?" i will, i will always choose you. you are the sun in the morning and the moon at night. you are the perfectly done coffee and the soft buttons on my shirt. you are everything to me, you hold my heart in your hands, and you take care of it so well.

i always found love to be something odd, something that would not happen to me. how lovely it is to know that not only am i someone who is able to be loved, but someone who is loved by someone as special as you. you are the most perfect someone i have ever met, i cannot believe that you exist, truly.

you are warm mocha coffee in winter, the special kind that you brew late just for yourself. the kind that when you take a sip, it is everything you have ever wanted. in that moment, nothing is wrong; the world is spinning peacefully, and nobody is hurt. whenever i am with you, there is a trance put inside my brain; a trance that makes me forget everything painful i have ever experienced.

your smile is like the sun warming me when i am despairingly cold

~ you are the pins and the bowling ball, always knocking yourself down. i wish you could see yourself the way that i see you; i wish that you could see your light as easily as i can see it. no matter how much you knock yourself down, i will always set you back up.

~ my love for you is a paintbrush that can only paint masterpiece; there is a lovely image of you painted on the inside of my eyelids.

~ i wish to take your hands in mine and kiss them until there are lipstick stains all over them; i don't care what anyone else thinks. as long as i have you, i have the entire world.

i will immortalize our love in these pages

you come up behind me, with your fingers around my eyes, making me giggle. "guess who this is," you say, but how silly it is to believe that i would not recognize the feeling of your soft heart beating against my back.

what is a solar eclipse but merely two lovers meeting once more? for the sun and the moon are miles apart, yet they will always come back to each other.

~ i think i will love you forever, no matter what. even if you are sick, i will kiss you until you are better. as long as the sun burns in the sky, and as long as the stars shine every night, as long as the oceans crash against the strikingly beige beach, i will hold your heart within myself.

your voice reminds me of pouring honey in my tea; it is so sweet, it is made of abundant sugar and milk. i sing little syllables for you, but i know that you can do it better. i have never heard someone whose voice is as pretty as yours. every single part of you is breathtaking. from your eyes, the way the colors of gray and blue mix with small hazel specks; the way your freckles dot your nose, with the little curve on the side; your full pouty lips colored as rose; simply everything. your hair is--

god, you are too much, but in the most perfect way in the world. you are too much; photos of you make my heart ache in pleasure. you are too much; my lips beg for yours endlessly. swallow me whole and chew me into pieces, i will enjoy it all.

drink little sips of vodka, the bottle firmly stuck in your pretty fingers with the long black nails, and spit it all into my mouth. it will taste good because it has your spit in it. i want everything of you

you should light a cigarette and blow the smoke into my mouth while i do your makeup

i will go to illinois in may 2027 i will get a small cheap flat and a small job i will work and i will save and i will network and i will connect with other people who are interested in art and can hire me i will get an art job in new york and i will move there i will live in new york i will live in new york i will live in new york !!!!!!!!!

i was so desperate for human connection that i tortured myself the way others tortured me; i joined their war against myself and committed the greatest sins one can do.

WHAT IF I HAVE DESTROYED MYSELF FOR NOTHING ?!

my eyes burn just from being open; it is like they cannot take witnessing atrocities no longer. i am so sorry, i lie, that i have hurt you, i stare into the mirror and repeat affirmations. i am worthy i am kind i am loving i am noble i think i am starting to believe them.

i hated myself, i harmed myself, i starved myself, i purged myself -- i think it is time for something new.

i am full of the love that i have desired and craved for so much it is all inside me i just need to tap into it just one little tap

"you say my name and i want to knit my bones into your bones, smooth away

the boundaries of our heartbeats. what i'm trying to say is that if the temperature

inside those wild pockest of interstellar dust hits right near absolute zero,

carbon monoxide and dihydrogen molecules condense together in the dark

nebula to form stars. if you're ready, i want to make you shiver like that."

[not mine, but it reminds me of you]

don't say "but," i don't care, i love you anyhow. it is too late to exhume you out of my heart; my chest, my soul. part of you lives here.

it is okay to avoid that song, that show, that episode if it hurts you. there will be another song, show, episode, that doesn't provide you with all of this pain. i promise you that it will be alright and that you will not have to suffer so much. you are worthy of love and care. please do not engage in activities that hurt you or cause you anxiety. you do not need to "unlearn your biases" or whatever. these are triggers, not OCD rituals to work through<3

march 5 2024-- everything is rattling around in my head, so much so much so much last night i was 98.6, 98.6, 98.6, beautiful beautiful beautiful the last time we were here i was 109, 107, 106, 104, 103…hahaha no longer am i in the 100s, it's fucking beautiful no? gorgeous and divine and exquisite i feel like vesper is getting ready to torture me she is making me feel good before pulling another run away plane stunt and then hurting me so much so much so much the more you love someone the moreit hurts hurts hurts burnburnsburns i can't think i can't breahte it is like my little bone corset is wrapping itself tightly around my body, my eyes are tied too tightly together and it hurts hurts hurts hazbin hotel is really good i wanted to watch it but its only on amazon prime which hurts hurts hurts me because i need need need a distraction and oh god maybe i will just watch it on one of those pirating sites but god god god what if the vpn only allows 15 min at a time and i get lost lost lost in the show and then get forced forced forced back into the real world?????? i took the bus today it was nice the cbse kids are all gone and it took a nice other route today and dropped me off at school early i dont know i think it is nice nice nice that i was dropped early early early but it was also so fucking DISAPPOINTING because i LOVE the bus i CARE for the bus SO FUCKING MUCH! janos is going to manipulate his exgf into liking him again oh GOD that hurts so much HURTS because nobody has ever wanted me so much to manipulate me :( it BURNS Vesper was not even that mean she is just depressed and sad but i am ALSO depressed and sad dont my feelings count for ANYTHING??? she doesnt know how to help me at fucking ALL and yet she acts like i am SUCH a bad person when i call her out on it but i know that she is not a therapist it is unfair for her to put all of her shit onto me unfair unfair unfair sad sad sad that's all i feel right now god why cant i just have a good friend? someone who i always have fun with someone who i dont have to gamble with if they will like me today or not it's always back and forth with her but not BIG back and forth just little back and forth i am big love little sad big love little mad with vesper vesper vesper vesper holy SHIT all i do is talk about that FUCKING girl I AHTJEAIJAK MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE HAVING BPD I HATE IT I HATE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna DIE i wanna KILL MYSELF I WISH I COULD KILL MYSELF AND STARVE AND CUT AND DRINK AND FUCKING DRINK AND SMOKEKEE AND DRIVE INTO A FUCKING WALL!!!!!! IT IS BURNING ME ALIVE god

i dont hate vesper i am just afraid of losing her i am so afraid of abandonment that any little pull! any little small thing makes me feel like she will leave me i make her afraid of me because i am so afraid that she will leave that i terrorize her and then i take her fear of me, her RIGHT fear of me and i make it worse it's a self-fulfilling prophecy i am a self-fulfilling prophecy

my overreactions to things are not my fault, it's calming to know that it isn't me or her, it's just a fight/flight response being activated; i am hypervigilant for fear of danger and threat but it's calming to know that there is no real danger, only my emotions which i need to work through. i need to breathe for a few minutes, go for a run, anything. i have little control over how i feel but a lot of control over how i react. i just need to be self-aware and mindful of myself

I think it's essential to start working on trusting your partner and trying to see them through a lens that does not involve immediate abandonment. Because a lot of the time we self-sabotage because we need to be in control of someone or perceived abandonment even. Ultimately that comes with the acceptance than anyone in your life is not guaranteed to stay, people don't sign contracts with us

Anyway, in instances like this it's important to stop and think about how you can contest your negative thoughts. Because reassurance only stems from the insecurities within. And some insecurities are brought on by past trauma. Realizing that this is a new relationship and that it's not like the past might help ease some of that pain.

you have to believe that you're worthy of love to receive it

you will always regret eating you will never regret not eating

watch starving in suburbia

Focus on other things than the guy. Pick up a new hobby, start a new creative project, call up a friend and ask them to hang out. Put your phone down and focus on cooking a meal for yourself that you really like.

Ask yourself what kind of hole the idea of this person and your future with him is filling. What about yourself and your life makes you feel like someone else is the key to your happiness? And how can you be there for yourself regardless of what happens with this dude?

Get to know yourself more. What are your values? What food and drinks do you like the most? Favorite color? Favorite music? It’s a good time to pick up juice boxes from the store, listen to familiar music, wear clothes that make you feel good about yourself.

"I brush until my gums bleed, then I scrub harder. Red Lia juice dribbles down my chin, transforming me into a hungry vampire ready to suck the life out of anyone who pisses me off. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I am one of the undead. Vampires are pale, cold, and skinny like me. They secretly hate the taste of blood, hate the way they make people cry, hate graveyards and coffins and the beast that drives them. They will lie about hating it until someone drives a stake through their heart."

i love and care for decay; i have a sickly fascination for it and i find such beauty in suicide i wish to commit suicide slowly, slowly, slowly; to let myself die and decay and waste away under everyone else's eyes

- Loving you is really easy, the easiest thing in the world in fact. CPTSD Vent / Rant The fact that they couldn't love you properly is a reflection of them, not you. They could not give what they did not have,

im gonna live like there's no tomorrow i dont got a reason to live tomorrow spend all my days wishing i was okay . . . . constantly worry about your opinion tryna rip apart the skin i live in grab me a lighter and a red ho-ot knife (. .)

i'm a fu-ucking su-perstar i spend my days chasing cars my bones are demolished and sma-all

my bo-dy is rot-ted my skin is all scarred i act like a chi-ild i wan-na go faaaar

constantly worry about your opinion tryna rip apart the skin i live in grab me a lighter and a red ho-o-ot knife (.)

rip out my chest and take out all my organs replace with thumbtacks and cardboard smores-in hashtag, hashtag, social media-a-a's ru-ules

listen to mee a-as i speak don't worry bout all the pain and the agony i wi-ill keep it all in my sleeve and we'll eat pom-e-gran-ate seeds na na na na na na na na naaa na na na na fa la la la la

You're all absolutely beautiful. You all determine your own worth but your skin color is not something to base your value off, while you may have experienced negativity as a result of your skin the people inflicting this negativity onto you are doing so because of harbored anger, fear, ignorance, and arrogance. You're so much more than the words or actions of others, your skin is beautiful. You are a luscious deep cocoa, a sun kissed goddess warm like honey, a delectable caramel latte, a soft creamy white with undertones of pink like a cherry blossom, you are you. When you strip away the stereotypes you are left with a individual, a person with their own interests, passions, beliefs, thoughts, wants, likes. You are beautiful because you are you, and being you is more than enough. There is only one of you, appreciate yourself.

Ear protection. It helps me with auditive overstimulation. In class or even walking in public, it gives my brain a chance not to need to be hyper alert at all times.

Migrane mask. Able to use cold or warm. Its like a nice prssure around my head and eyes and helps me calm down for a few minutes.

Deleting Tiktok and other fast media. Instead I try to relearn to watch tv or netflix without other stimulation. It is hard but when I got the gang of it, it really helped me feel more at ease.

Snacking. Especially cutting fruit for yourself and making something nice when you get home to just chill infront of your tv. Put your chips in a bowl instead of the bag. I make myself feel cared for which is super nice.

Having a dog. He makes me get up in the morning, helped me have a hobby and meet other people at dog school. It is exhausting, but so worth it. He also works as my living weighted blanket.

Leaving and coming back later. I know you can't do that in every situation. For me I do it at school, when it gets too much I just study somewhere else in the building or go outside. It's not my problem that other people overwhelm me, and i know how to take care of it, so I just get back later.

Sharing how you feel. Especially here in this community. It really helped me understand that I am not the problem, that I am not alone and that I am not an alien in this world. You are anonymous, no one wants to hurt you here and we are listening. Just dump everything here instead of bottling up even more shit that you didn't deserve!

ygabcd

wd story plan it out small chapters update 5x a week proper tags network w other users

3/16/24 march 16 2024 just took a bunch of pills hope i die in my sleep i think vesper will get her phone taken again then she wont be able to talk to me i cant relive the awfulness that happened last time this happened it hurts so much but all under the surface like im so numb and emotionally devoid and detached from everything i feel the pills in my fat bloated stomach im listening to show&tell by melanie martinez it reminds me of aya i miss aya :( i miss her so much…ugh i wish i had just fucked that girl in october…ughhghksndd im listening to kms by sub urban again its nice lets me know im not alone the fan makes me cold but also hot yk india shitttt i miss america i resent vesper for living in europe she doesnt deserve it i deserve it well she deserves it for sure shes a good person just idk i deserve it too id GLADLY switch places with her i wanna be vesper not me i wanna be someone else someone better not me ew not me not me not me everyone drinks and smokes and does drugs even vesper she could have sex if she wanted i want to be her so badly its 2:33 am rn old me would have loved to be so badly im gonna look at my old veritas academy photos on facebook yayayy

Learning that even if something was scary, I would be okay. Also I think I genuinely hated myself for so long and that contributed to me feeling so easy to leave and hard to love. The second I started appreciating myself a little more, I started feeling less threatened by every single fucking thing that happened in my life.

3/17/24

your worth is not defined by money; your worth is not defined by capitalistic materials used to officiate pain and suffering

your worth is defined by love and care and joy and amazement; the feelings that people have for you, the good ones - the way someone's eyes lights up as they meet yours, the care and love they speak of you, the letters they write and the things that they say when you are not around to witness it

my egg donor has said so many hurtful things to me today. i hate it all. i was upset but i did not need your guilt and "oh i am such a bad person" on top of it. i did not need you to victimize yourself and guilttrip and gaslight and manipulate me into forgiving you and allowing you to invade my space and touch me. i am my own person. i have my own rights. i have my own bodily autonomy and i am allowed to refuse any touch i want. i am a human being. i am a person. i am not your slave. i am not your prisoner. i am not a criminal or someone who has done any sort of heinous crime to deserve this treatment. however, you have committed an incredibly large amount of vile and disturbing acts of child abuse again me. how DARE you treat a child like that. how dare you treat ME like that. you are the most despicable and disgusting and ABHORRENT types of people on earth. you deserve nothing but pain and fear and torture your whole life, not me. i will heal and i will survive this and i will get over this. i do not need YOU to play the victim and gaslight me.

most people are not as dramatic as your donors are. if they are, then that is a sign to leave in order to protect and shield yourself. however, most people on this earth are normal and do not immediately jump to the most extreme forms of action when faced with minor issues. their melodrama is perpetuating the BPD highs and lows ("you hate me, you love me") but that is NOT true. grayscale exists, that is why there is a full color wheel and not just opposite vibrant or wholly dark colors. there is not just black and white. there are multiple shades of gray, 50 infact xD

vesper loves you and cares for you very much. she cherishes you and holds you in her palms as her lovely girlfriend. your friends also cherish you and hold you in their palms. you are a person, and you hold them all in your palms too. human hearts are very big, and they can hold and love very many people at the same time.

#vent #massive vent #tw ed

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crazylil-lion · 2 years

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You know whats crazy she made me raise her kids while constantly screaming at me. Hitting me telling me how useless I was while I was cleaning cooking helping the kids woth everything. The one they went to when they cried. Or had nightmares or were hurt. Yet I was never enough constantly reminded how much of a burden I was and how I did nothing but cause problems and everything was my fault. She played the good parent if anyone was around pretended to care tried to show everyone that she was perfect and its not her fault for not being able to pay the bills or anything because she was a "single mother" while my dad who didn't live there and barely saw me cause she forced the courts to givw her custody because men never win those cases even if they are obviously the better choice. He paid tens of thousands over the past 15 years to help her with everything. What did she do? Waste it on pills or cigarettes or drinking or a ridiculous amount of soda. Buying as little cheap flavorless food as she could sometimes never enough for us to eat. I had to work at 13 to have money to buy myself and my siblings food. She even had her mom constantly bringing what little food we did have because she wasted all her money. Constantly asking everyone to help her because she needed it and she was the victim and its not her fault. Constantly manipulating everyone while telling them how she does it all with no help and its so hard for her. I never got credit I never got mentioned until they started to see how smart I was with computers and solving problems. The only time anyone ever talked to me was when they needed help with their computers. Besides the constant insults and making fun of me at family get togethers. My siblings always treated as perfect angels that could never do anything wrong. I was told when going to college and through highschool I would never do anything with my life. That I was stupid and useless that I'd just fail out anyway so why bother. I picked game design and again was constantly insulted about my choice and the shitty field how I would stupid I was for being interested in fake bullshit. And then I graduated I got decided to change fields got a 6 figure job at 23 and you know what they fucking said? Oh I bet its fake I bet is some small thing that will die out. Then I name drop salesforce I name drop the company and everyone shut up real quick. I was told how stupid I was for moving away and how I'd fail and meanwhile I'm doing what they couldn't fucking dream of. Yet again she sits here talking about how she can retire and how she helped me do it. She didn't help a single bit and now she says now you can buy your siblings and I a house. Fucking ridiculous she only calls me to talk about herself really she asks how I am but she doesn't really care. None of them cared until they heard I was on a career path straight up. The worst part of my childhood wasnt the physical abuse it was the years after of being treated worthless while doing everything. My siblings treated so much better than I was while I was constantly screamed at and forced to do all the chores. All 3 of them made a huge mess on purpose because they knew she would force me to do almost all of it. I'm so happy to be out but I still just want to die. I'm broken just absolutely destroyed. I've never had affection my first kiss or been on a date. After 23 years of everyone treating you as a burden and insulting you telling you that I could never be loved for the way I am. How can I believe anything different if I'm still treated the same way constantly? How long can I suffer in agony before I leave it all behind. I'm tired and therapy medication exercise all of the things that are supposed to help don't even scratch the hell I'm constantly feeling. I force myself through the days but really I'm just a shell of who I was still unlovable and pathetic as always though I guess thats all I'll ever be.

#mine

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alice-arrington · 3 years

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The door to the therapist's office seemed to keep getting heavier and heavier each time I'd try to push it open. I don't know if it was just in my head but it always requires all of my strength to simply walk through. Regardless, I've not missed a single appointment. Not once. Not that I'm eager to go... Because I'm not. I hate asking for help. It makes me feel like a nuisance, a burden, and I dislike bothering people with problems I should be fixing myself. But my episode at the coffee shop reminded me that there's no shame in seeking help. Especially after—... No, I need this. God knows how much I need this.

But it's one thing to see how steep the mountain is before me, and a whole other matter to actually climb it.

Months have come and gone since my first session and yet, there's not been much progress I can be proud of. A product of my great disappointment now lies deep in my bones, boiling beneath the surface — a quiet fury I try to keep buried. Fury borne from the sheer frustration that no matter how hard I try, I can't move. And I have no one to blame but myself. It really shouldn't be this hard, should it?

With Dr Barker's help, I've somewhat managed to redirect this anger, even if it meant exhaustion has come in its place. Nevertheless, I persevere. Or at least, I try. I owe it to myself, and to those I hold dear, to keep showing up.

Even in my struggle, Dr Barker has been nothing but kind and patient — most likely a required necessity in his line of work. But just the same, his efforts are not lost on me. Twice a week every week, he'd walk me through what I can but more often than not, whenever we'd get close, I'd shut down. I don't mean to, honest. But the very idea of actually unravelling the Pandora's box that was my midsummer's nightmare paralyses me in more ways than one. No matter how much I want to free myself from such a bind, I can't go any further. I always end up sitting there, frozen in such agonizing memories, unable to communicate how desperately I want this nightmare to end. And I become very, very aware of the deafening sound of the clock ticking away at every second, every minute, gnawing at me for quite literally wasting this poor man's time.

When I do find my voice again, I make sure to apologise. Profusely. And he'd understand. Of course, he would, never failing to reassure me that there's no rush. That we'll go on my own pace.

Unfortunately, that poses a whole other problem in itself.

As grateful as I am to be given all the time I need to heal, the longer I stand frozen on this side of the mountain, the more I lose myself. You'd think that as time passes by, trauma would get easier to face. I've come to learn that that's not necessarily true. If anything, time has only chipped away what little I have left.

Riddled with anxiety, I can no longer keep down any food I consume. Except for maybe bread and water, if that. Throwing up has become such a painful business that I've lost all my appetite. Sleep, on the other hand, has not completely evaded me. But it's no help, either. If anything, it makes everything worse. Whenever I close my eyes, flashbacks would come as vividly as if they were happening to me all over again and out of fear, I'm forced to stay awake for as long as I can. What little sleep I do manage, however, is often restless. This has led me to seek comfort in cigarettes, sex and alcohol. A band-aid to a gaping wound because my medications simply can't keep up.

Needless to say, all my efforts to stay sane is driving me insane. Imprisoned in my own mind, I can't even cry like I want to or scream for help like I need to. Instead, I'm spinning in circles and it keeps getting faster and faster and faster, plunging me right into the pits of depression with nowhere to escape. What was once my outlet has long since been forgotten — a time I never thought would come. I can't even remember the last time I've set foot in any of the clubs I used to sing at or put pen to paper and wrote anything remotely decent on a manuscript. No, music no longer lives here. And I'm afraid that before too long, neither will I, for I'd be no better than a shell of who I once was. And God forbid I let anyone bear witness to any more of this. Including Oliver.

Especially Oliver.

#[ alice castillo || journal 02 ]#[ ⚠️warning! anxiety & depression; ptsd ]

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creepypocky · 3 years

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Hello dear! May I have a romantic and Nsfw creepypasta match-up please? Feel free to ignore this if they are closed but if you do choose to do this then thank you so much! I hope you have a great day/night!

Zodiac sign: Leo sun, Aries moon, Leo rising

Personality Type: ENTP

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: Straight (For now might be bi but i'm going with straight)

I'm 5'4 and I have a very tiny body frame so i'm extremely petite and pretty small. I'm not very curvy and I literally have the body of a cereal box...lol but its fine because I have nice hips and thighs. I have thick brown hair that goes down to my back and it gets tangled pretty easily but its kinda fluffy. I have brown eyes and tiny freckles all over my face and body. I also have a very strong grunge style, like Flannels, band t-shirts, combat boots, leather jackets etc. But i'd also always enjoy a nice oversized sweatshirt or hoodie with a pair of skinny, ripped jeans and some converses or something along those lines.

For my personality.....this is where things get interesting. At first people find me very intimidating due to my resting bitch face and cold exterior but I promise i'm not like that ALL the time. When you get to know me, i'm a big extrovert, goofy and about everything that comes out of my mouth is sarcasm or some dry humored joke. I'm also that one friend in a group where they literally will do the stupidest shit ever like for an example one time it was super dark outside and my other friend was there, while I was trying to climb a tree and I failed and fell out of the tree, and landed on my back. I got straight up after that somehow it didn't hurt.....like at all? But yeah i'm super reckless and sometimes people have to save me from myself if you get what I mean. I also have a very strong "I don't give a fuck" attitude and I will not hesitate to stick up for myself or my friends....like i'm the type of person where if someone glares at me, i'll glare right back. I can have bad anxiety and I can be very self destructive. This is where my feisty, stubborn, hardheaded side comes in. If I want something then i'll fight for it even if it hurts me and i'll get into a bad cycle of putting myself down and trying to do better even if I did great the first time but I always push myself too far and other people have to stop me because I usually can't see it when its happening. I also cover my emotions up and I have a lot of trouble talking about whats bothering me or what problems i'm having emotionally so I put up a wall and I act tough, or happy and sometimes i'll be the exact opposite but I try to hide it.

Weird things about me: I've grown up in the south all my life so sometimes when I talk a few words they'll come out sounding WAYYY more country and southern then I wanted, I don't have an accent but sometimes my words just come out that way. I also love the smell of cigarette smoke....let me explain. When I was a kid my parents smoked a lot and I was used to smelling it and now it reminds me of home and is sort of comforting.

Things I like: I love swimming (I was on a swim team for about 9 years), I love horror movies, I like rain and the sounds of thunderstorms because its calming to me, I also love the smell of rain, I like cloudy days, cooking, listening to 80's and 90's rock but mainly 90's because 90's is the best, My favorite bands are Bush, Audioslave, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Linkoln Park, Pearl jam but i'm pretty open to anything. Things I dislike: Spiders.......I will scream if I see a spider.

So for the nsfw part.....I'm very shy and i'd like it if someone guided me. But i'm 100% a Bottom and I love praise and maybe a tiny bit of degradation. I also have a big ownership kink like if someone tells me that i'm their's....then I might die. Also if they told me that they "Needed" me I would also die on the spot...in a good way. I'm also a sucker for marking like lovebites and hickies? Yes please. But please tease me and edge me because I prefer not having control so someone else being in control is just...lovely. Also pet names! Like Sunshine, Babygirl, Doll....AHHhh I might melt. Things I don't like are impact play or the whole "Daddy kink" It kinda just makes me cringe

I also don't think I really have a type but.....I do tend to love people who are brooding, and intimidating on the outside but a big teddy bear on the inside because that's how I am sometimes. I hate people who are fake or just passive aggressive because they are super annoying to deal with and honestly if you have something to say then just say it to my face rather than behind my back.

Hello :)

|| I enjoyed reading through this. I'll definitely work on it now. ||

I match you with ~ Jeff The Killer!

First off, he really likes your size and style, he has a think for small girls that can still be tough and that’s something he loves showing off when you get together lmfao, he’s like, “Yeah, my girls strong. Fuck you gonna do about it?”

Now, Jeff is a really unstable, violent guy. A lot of people (even me) don’t even see him ever being interested in being in a relationship, so when the creeps saw Jeff with his arm around you, they were immediately baffled by it.

The truth is, though, this man totally wants to have someone by his side, someone that accepts him even though he’s a killer. Someone that’s open to his feelings and is willing to look past all of the horrible shit he’s done.

You’re like that to him, it took him a very long time to get used to how he felt for you at first. At first he thought his brain was just being stupid, but Jeff isn’t dumb. He knows what these feelings feel like, and he recognized them almost immediately after that.

Jeff is really insane, and he constantly leans on you for support and depends on you to keep him leveled at times. It can get pressuring, but despite it all he always makes sure to not blame you if he ends up doing something dumb because he knows it’s not your fault.

He finds your clothing style pretty hot, he really loves badass kind of outfits with leather and band names, because as I said, he loves to show off that his girl is “cool” or something.

He thinks your resting bitch-face and cold exterior is really badass too, being around you always gives him so much confidence and its a great change from the usual fake confidence he has around everyone that he keeps up as a defense mechanism when in reality he was always pretty insecure.

I honestly think Jeff is an extrovert too, like he loves being around people and interacting with them (When they’re not normal people and don’t think he’s hideous, that is). I canon this mostly because when hes alone, then he’s also alone with his thoughts and his thoughts always end up wandering to his insecurities and what he hates about himself, but you often catch him during these times and you reassure him that everything will be okay and that you still love him.

He totally relates to being the friend that says stupidest shit, you two will often just go up to one of the creeps and just start spouting random shit. He honestly fucking loves being goofy with you, and you two are always creating awesome memories together when you prank the other creeps and sometimes each other and he honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

When you do stupid shit that gets you in trouble or puts you in danger, he’s always quick to get to you and make sure you’re okay, he would probably panic a lot though. Like, “What the fuck, dumbass?” “How the HELL did you do that???“ as he’s frantically trying to solve the situation. Will most definitely sit there and laugh at you for a good 5-10 minutes once the whole thing is dealt with though.

You being able to stick up for your friends is one of the great qualities about you that he absolutely adores, especially since before he became a killer he would always get bullied and nobody would ever stick up for him, so one day when you defend him against a bunch of assholes it just warms his heart up and makes him feel so loved, but he most likely wont admit that.

He’d let it slip eventually though.

When you’re feeling self-destructive, he is 100% there for you. Although he’s not really the best at giving advice, he’ll still sit there with you and let you talk your heart out and will listen to every single word because he wants to show that same contribution towards you that you’ve shown him. He’ll constantly reassure you that not everything is your fault and that you’re strong, and he’ll make little promises to you.

If it was a person in particular making you feel that way though, he’d definitely make sure to pay a visit to the motherfucker.

He admires your determination to fight for the things you want, but to an extent. He hates it when you overwork yourself or push beyond your limits to the point where it destroys you, and he wants you to know that you’re not alone and you can ask for help, you don’t have to destroy yourself. He’s more than willing to stay right there, by your side.

He understands hiding your true emotions, because well, he’s had to do it a lot around the other creeps and around his family when they were still alive. So he won’t ever push you to talk about somehting if you don’t want to, but he doesn’t want you to pretend to be okay either. He’s more than willing to just lay with you and do whatever you want if it would make you feel better.

He honestly likes how you have a southern accent at times, when he’s feeling upset or like his sanity is draining, your accent really soothes him so sometimes he’ll ask you to lay it on thick because he could honestly listen to you talk to him and listen to your accent all day if he wanted to.

It’s good that you like cigarette smoke because I canon this man smokes very often.

When it storms at night, he’ll always hold you close to him with a blanket and just listen to the storm sounds with you because it soothes him too. This man is really pent up from feeling driven to constantly murder and just sitting with you listening to the rain and thunder is one of the main things that level him.

He’s really not the best.... at cooking.... but, this means you can cook often for him since he won’t for himself. B)

He will just put you in a car and drive for hours to no destination and blast that 80s and 90s music just to see that smile on your face.

This man will 100000000000% destroy any spider within a 10 mile radius of you.

He understands not liking people who are fake because there were a lot of people who talked shit about him when he went to school, and when he has a problem with someone he will always say it to their face and make them understand that they’re a piece of shit to him.

NSFW:

You like being dominated and guided? Good, because this man is at least 95% a top. He thinks it’s adorable that you’re shy and will most definitely be willing to guide you through the whole thing and tell you exactly what to do for him.

Jeff is really possessive tbh, so when he’s fucking you he will constantly say shit like,

“Fucking mine”

“You’re nobody elses“

“You belong to me, only”

This man will definitely bite you everywhere, he lives to just throw you down onto the bed and start biting everywhere on your body and making sure to leave marks just so you know exactly who owns you.

Don’t worry honey, he will spend hours just filling you with his cock and telling you that you cant cum unless you beg more, or he’ll just pull out right when you’re about to cum on him and just slap your folds with his fingers as a way to make fun of you.

He’ll call you things like, “baby” “dollface” “darling” when he’s feeling passionate but oh boy if he’s feeling angry or he’s punishing you? Be prepared to be degraded all night.

There we go <3

Sorry if this is too long lmfao, I just think that Jeff is a really misunderstood piece of shit. I hope you’re having a great day and taking care of yourself, and I hope you enjoyed this matchup. :)

#creepypasta smut #creepypasta #matchup #creepypasta matchups #jeff the killer #anon ask #smut

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wayward-riana · 4 years

Text

The Lost Silhouette | Part Two | Thomas Shelby

Summary: After Grace’s death, Tommy had closed his heart off but when he marries the new female detective of the Crime Investigation Department of Birmingham only for protection from the law, his cold exterior starts melting.

Thomas Shelby x reader

Warnings: Mentions of sadness. Brief cursing.

A/N: 'Gypsy' is a song by Fleetwood Mac. Let's pretend that it existed back in the 1920s. I just thought that it'd go so well with this chapter. I really hope you all genuinely enjoy this. I had a lot of fun writing this.

youtube

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Most nights Tommy likes to have Charlie beside him at night, while he's sleeping. Other nights, Charlie sleeps in his cot that is situated in his father's grand bedroom. Although, Y/N insisted that Charlie sleeps on her bed tonight, beside her. Tommy allowed it.

Now that he lays in his cold and lonely bed with a cigarette in his hand, he feels restless. Restless knowing that his boy isn't in the room with him. So, he throws on a loose shirt and marches towards Y/N's room.

As Tommy stands outside her door, he can hear a cry flowing out of the room. He slowly creaks the door open and relief washes through him when he sees Charlie.

Charlie clings onto Y/N's body as he buries his face in the crook of her neck. Tommy sees Y/N is sat on the bed, while she holds Charlie very gently against her and soothingly rubs his back.

So I'm back to the velvet underground

Back to the floor that I love

To a room with some lace and paper flowers

Back to the gypsy that I was

To the gypsy that I was

Tommy is taken aback by the sweet melody that flows out of Y/N's mouth. He is surprised by how sweet her voice is. But her voice also has an endearing rasp to it. Only voice that ever sounded good to him was Grace's. He never expected to appreciate anyone's voice after her's, let alone Y/N's.

The words that Y/N sung had stitched themselves like a thread, into his heart. The words take him back to Small Heath. They remind him of a much simpler time. They remind him of the happiness that he knew of, before the war. They remind him of the man he was. A man who knew how to laugh. A man who knew how to love life.

And it all comes down to you

Well, you know that it does, well

Lightning strikes maybe once, maybe twice

Oh and it lights up the night

And you see your gypsy

You see your gypsy

Did Thomas Shelby hope for a life without pain? Absolutely. But hope is not in his body, anymore. Hope is something he has thrown away, a long time ago. Pain has made him who he is and he doesn't know if it's for the best or not. Before all this, he had a God. A God that he said his prayers to but he lost that as well.

He lost everything. Fucking everything.

To the gypsy that remains

Her face says freedom, with a little fear

I have no fear

I have only love

And if I was a child

And the child was enough

Enough for me to love

Enough to love

If he gives Y/N a chance, will she end up dying too? If he loves her, will she be taken away from him too?

Doesn't matter. He won't let anyone in, anymore. He made that mistake once. Not again. Besides, he's content with what he has. Charlie.

Charlie is all he needs.

She is dancing away from you now

She was just a wish

And her memory is all that is left for you now

You see your gypsy, oh

You see your gypsy

The tears stream down Tommy's face like raindrops on a cold-blurry window. He doesn't even bother wiping them away. He puts the cigarette up to his lips and inhales the toxic smoke, that brings him peace.

And it all comes down to you

Lightning strikes

Maybe once, maybe twice

I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes

Y/N wipes her own eyes as she finishes the song. She looks down and sees Charlie sleeping, oh, so peacefully. She smiles and presses a gentle kiss on his head, before she slowly puts him down on the bed. She covers him with a blanket and delicately runs her finger across his cheek while staring down at him, lovingly.

Tommy watches Y/N's every single movement. He realises that she truly loves his son and genuinely cares for him. It makes him feel happ - no - satisfied with his choice to bring her in.

The overwhelming smell of smoke hits Y/N. A smell that isn't found in her room, ever. She snaps her head and looks at the doorway to see Tommy leaning against the doorframe. With a cigarette in his hand, of course.

Instead of calling out to him to ask if he needed anything, she climbs out of bed, not wanting to wake up the sleeping child. She slowly approaches Tommy and holds her dressing gown tightly against her body.

"Tommy, did you need someth -"

She stops mid-sentence when she notices his tear-stained face. She also notices tears in the corners of his eyes.

Y/N instinctively reaches out to wipe a tear droplet that slowly rolls down his temple. He watches her intently, as she does. His skin is soft beneath her gentle fingertips. She quickly realises what she's doing and regains her composure.

"What's wrong, Tommy?" Genuine concern is etched all over her face as she questions him. "Is everything all right?"

"The song...that you sang. Where is it from?" He croaks out.

Embarrassment dawns upon her as she realises he's heard her sing. She bites her lip and stares at the ground.

This is so unlike the two of them.

Tommy is always very emotionless and composed, but here he stands, broken and tearful.

Y/N is always incredibly confident and quick-witted, but now she found herself unable to speak properly and is a mess under Tommy's stare.

"I wrote it." She admits, slowly looking up from the ground. She gazes into his beautifully broken blue eyes. He raises his eyebrows in surprise, clearly impressed with her skill that he never knew she had.

"It's good." He compliments.

She blushes and nods at him, not being able to trust her voice to thank him.

Tommy sighs and stands up straight.

"You must be tired. I'll let you rest." Tommy states.

"I'm really not tired. You can come in and...talk,"

Y/N stares up at him, expectantly.

"If you'd like." She adds.

He barely shrugs, "All right."

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"What is the meaning behind the song?" Tommy asks as he lights up another cigarette. "I mean, what does it mean to you?"

"In London, where I grew up, there was an area where only the gypsies lived. No one went there, and by no one I mean, the elites. But my parents always did. Even though, they were part of the upper class, they didn't care about status. They always interacted with them, and most of my best friends were gypsies. I practically grew up with them. So I refer to myself as 'the gypsy that I was' because it makes me feel more grounded. It reminds me of the people that I've known and the people that I grew up with. Also, to remind myself that the people I love are gone, but I am not. I'm still here.

My best friend, James, died in the war. He was a gypsy, too. I'd known him my entire life. We were supposed to get married after he returned but that never happened due to the war. My father also died. I didn't know how to cope with the losses. So I put my heart and soul in this song. My grief is buried beneath these words.

The velvet underground stands for the velvet carpet in my father's bedroom. The lace and paper flowers were what James's family's house was decorated with. So yeah, little things like that makes the song so significant to me. That's what it means to me, I guess. Love and grief."

Y/N immediately shuts up as she realises she has rambled on for so long.

"Were you ever able to let go of that grief?"

She didn't expect Tommy to ask such emotional questions. She opens her mouth but is unable to string words together. She sighs and thinks about her answer before finally she speaks.

"Yes, I was. It took me some time to come to terms with it, but I did. I had to remind myself that none of it was under my control. Death isn't something anyone of us can control. You never know when one of us will be gone. Tomorrow is never promised. We're living on a borrowed time. I was unable to live my life. I was numb. I felt like everything was over. But then I realised you shouldn't be upset over things that you cannot control. Then, I eventually accepted it and moved on with my life. It's not like I've let go of Papa and James. I've let go of the grief. Their memories are still with me. They always will be."

Tommy judged Y/N very quickly, when he first met her. He would've never guessed that she has gone through so much.

"I know losing your wife must've been really difficult for you and I also know that you blame yourself for it but as I said before, you shouldn't be upset over things that you cannot control."

Her doe E/C eyes stare into Tommy's blue ones. The strong emotions in her eyes makes him uneasy. Uneasy because he can't afford to feel again.

The pair had talked all night long and before they knew it, the sun was up. Y/N reminded herself, it was nothing just a tough night for Tommy and he needed someone to talk to. That's it.

However, deep down inside her, she hoped that this was a start of something. Maybe 'Shelby' won't just be a legal name, anymore. Maybe, it'll be the name she shares with someone she loves and who loves her back. Maybe, she'll finally feel like she is Mrs. Y/N Shelby. Maybe, she'll finally feel like she's Thomas Shelby's other half. Maybe, he'll finally realise that she is more than just a spare.

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I hope you all enjoyed part two. Part three will be up real soon so stay tuned. I really hope you all enjoyed this. R, xxx.

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@sxperncturalimpala67 @lovemissyhoneybee

#thomas shelby fanfic #thomas shelby #thomas #thomas shelby x reader #tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby #peaky blinders #peaky blinder imagine #peaky blinder fanfic #thomas shelby imagine #tommy shelby imagine

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rogue-barnes-16 · 5 years

Text

SECRETS (part I/II)

Summary: Detectives James Barnes and Y/n Y/l/n never really got along, despite being partners for seven months. You could say they hated each other, however, when James' past shows up threatening to break him all over again, the truth about their feelings comes to the surface.

Pairing: cop!Bucky Barnes x cop!Reader

Genre: angsty (fluff in the end) (modern au)

Tags:

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @sinviix @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack

Warnings: hints of a toxic relationship, drinking, smoking, bad described make out session and implied sex.

A/N: I couldn't finish writing the latest request I was writing bc tumblr is a bitch, so I'm dropping the first part of a 2-part fic here. I hope you enjoy my first au (I'm practicing for a Brooklyn nine nine fic) <3

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist

"C'mon Y/n" Samantha called me from the entrance of the bar we were going to get into. She came closer, placing a hand on my bicep. "You're still thinking about it?"

I stayed silent, my eyebrows knitted, and my eyes fixed on the pavement. "yeah" I replied absently, having another puff of the cigarette held in my hand.

"do you really think you're right?"

"I don't know, Sam" I confessed, tossing the cigarette and stepping on it. "I think I don't wanna be right about this." with that, I turned around to join our friends.

The music playing in the bar almost made me forget what I had been thinking for two days.

Almost.

Two Days Ago

"BARNES!" I yelled from across the precinct's floor where we both worked. "WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?"

"charmin' as always, Y/l/n" he replied in that condescending voice of his, staring at board covered in pictures and notes.

"you dismissed my suspect." I stated, finally reaching the place where he was standing.

"it's our suspect, not yours" he corrected me crossing his arms over his chest "and we'd reached a deadlock"

"I told you to fucking wait, dammit!" I spat, hitting the desk in an attempt to draw his attention.

He jumped, spinning around so he was now face to face with me. For an instant, I saw panic in his gaze, quickly replaced by anger.

"I told you to follow Vargas, and did you, smartass?" I huffed. "see? We're fuckin' even"

I glared at him slack-jawed. "You're unbelievable." grabbing three manila folders from his desk, I made my way to mine. "and for the record, Vargas didn't show up, you fucker!" since my back was to him, I missed his eyes fixed on my form with something way different from anger, frustration or hate.

BUCKY'S P. O. V.

I stood still, staring at Y/n leaning over her desk to examine the manila folders with my jaw clenched, reminding myself that I hated her.

I needed to remind myself that I hated her every single day, because if I didn't, I knew shit would go south.

Unexpectedly, she looked up from the reports and her eyes dug into mines. I only mimicked her position, leaning over my desk, holding her stare.

Surprisingly, it was me who first averted my eyes, my ring tone catching my attention. When I looked at the screen, I saw an unknown number. "Hello?" I asked hesitant.

"Morning honey" my body went stiff at the voice, my jaw clenching while I tried to stay composed. "I made you some coffee, can you tell them to buzz me in?" I stayed silent "oh don't worry, I'm in"

I hung up and tossed the phone over my desk before stalking to the entrance of precinct just in time to see her appearing.

READER'S P. O. V.

I followed Barnes with my gaze, worried that something bad might have happened. However, in the entrance I only saw a redhead with a smile on her face.

"What are you doing here?" Barnes hissed from a considerable distance.

"I told you, silly" she let out a giggle "I brought you some coffee." When she tried to step closer to Bucky, I saw his trembling hand ghost over the holster he was carrying. "are you gonna shoot me, baby?"

Something in her voice made chills run down my spine, but I knew stepping in wasn't a good solution, so I stayed leaned over my desk.

"you can't be here" she stared at him with defiance before smashing her bag over the nearest table, making Barnes jump.

"hey" before I realized, I was walking to them. "Miss, who are you?" flash of madness crossing her eyes scared the shit out of me, but I didn't back off. Instead, I stepped between the two of them. "who are you?" I repeated.

"I'm James' wife" her reply shocked me enough to turn around and give Barnes a very confused look. "who's this woman? are you cheating on me, baby?"

I felt Barnes hand sneaking in the gap between my arm and my waist to grab my forearm "I fuckin' work here" I replied, completely ignoring the tug in my arm.

"then go work" she hissed "and let me catch up with my husband" when I didn't move, and irritated look made its way to her face. "I told you to leave, bitch."

Before I could reply, Bucky’s grip on my arm tightened and he managed to bring me closer to him, crashing my back against his chest.

"you can't be here, Dot" he repeated, managing to hide his shakiness from her. "leave. Now" The same shakiness that wasn't able to hide from me.

Due to the lack of space between him and me, I could feel how his chest went up and down rapidly and unevenly.

"But listen baby, I'm sorry" she whispered, suddenly switching to 'angel' mode. "I'm really sorry, please let's talk this out, okay?" She took a hesitant step towards us and I subconsciously pushed Barnes back in a very subtle way. "c'mon, let's go and have breakfast, and we'll talk. Please, honey."

"What is she doing here? Who let you in?" Rogers appeared in my peripheral vision, walking fast towards us. "leave. Leave right fuckin' now"

"great" that Dot girl muttered, taking a exasperated sigh. "Steve, this is between James and me, so don't you take this bitch with you for me to-"

Steve made his way to the redhead and, grabbing her arm, he guided her out of the precinct.

I spun to face Barnes, who was quickly putting himself together. "what the hell was that about?"

"you always have to meddle in everyone's business" he spat, letting go of my arm "don't you?" I stayed silent while he went to his desk to grab his things. "Tell Captain Fury I wasn't feeling well." and with that, he left.

The following day he didn't even show up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This place's amazing!" Lexa, another one of my friends, exclaimed excited. "let's look for a free table"

The six of us wandered around for a while until we found a free table. "what do y'all wanna drink?" Joe asked, getting up.

Joe came a few minutes after with everyone's drinks and we chatted for a while. Again, I was almost able to forget about it, but then I saw him sitting on a stool, leaning over the bar top with his back turned to us.

"guys, I've something to do." I stated, grabbing my drink and getting up. "be right back." said that, I made my way to the stool besides his. "you didn't show up yesterday, nor today."

He frowned before moving his head to glance at me. "fuckin' hell..." he groaned, shifting to look at the wall full of bottles across us. "outta every fuckin' bars, you hadda come here?"

"gosh" I scoffed, taking a sip of my drink before mimicking his posture. "it's not like I'm looking for you, Barnes, so get your head out of your ass."

He huffed, letting out a humorless, dry laugh. "it's always a fuckin' pleasure to talk to you." I rolled my eyes and he looked over his shoulder. "come back with your friends, 'cause we've nothin' to talk 'bout"

I ran my fingers through my hair and, taking a deep breath, I glanced at him. "that girl, Dot" he went stiff and my heart sped up because, damn, I didn't want to be right, but it seemed like I actually was.

"what 'bout her?"

"is she really your wife?" I asked, tiptoeing around the topic. "we've been working together for seven months already, and you never mentioned her."

"she's mah wife. Kinda" he confirmed me, drinking all the alcohol in his glass. "anythin' else?"

"what happened between the two of you?" He let out a weird laugh, letting his forehead rest against the wooden surface. "You're drunk"

"not enough for this conversation" he groaned with a smirk on his face. The corners of my mouth twitched up at the view and something in his eyes seemed the lit up. "If you wanna stay" he took another look at my friends before turning back at me. "maybe at the end of the night I'll be drunk enough to talk 'bout it"

I pursed my lips in a tight line, staring into his eyes to see if he meant it, because I really really needed to know what happened between them.

After a couple of seconds, I turned to the barman "hey sweetheart" I called him "keep the shots coming here, will you?"

Barnes let out a chuckle, but this time it wasn't weird, and it wasn't dry. This time it was genuinely amused. "eager, are we?"

"you could say so, yeah" I replied, giving him the ghost of a smirk while the barman put the drinks in front of us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Okay okay okay, but-" he started to laugh again and I nudged him "Nononono, listen-" a couple of giggles escaped my lips before I could keep going. "it's true!"

"it ain't true, darlin'." he said between giggles. "Romanoff 'n Stevie- that's insane"

"I'm tellin' you, Barnes" I replied, taking a swig of my beer. "one- don't laugh at me! One day we'll find 'em fuckin' in the office."

"You're crazy" he stated, finishing his beer.

"whatever" I looked at the clock. It was past 4 am already. "Barnes" I whined turned to him. "Tell me what happened between you and Dot, pretty please" I pouted at him, leaning over the bar top and getting a bit closer to him.

He groaned, leaving the beer aside to look at me. "ya really know how to spoil the mood"

"we're drunk as fuck already" I propped myself over my forearms, getting even closer to him. "c'mon Barnes."

With an exasperated sigh, he moved to tower me. "I swear, Y/n, you get me on my fuckin' nerves."

"I know, and I love to do it" his jaw clenched and his eyes traveled to my lips for a second. "you get me on my nerves too, y'know? But I don't care" he gave me a confused look "it's kinda... Our thing, so I don't mind it"

"You're sweet when you're drunk" he stated, half smiling at me. "wish you were this sweet all the time."

"nah" I retreated to my initial position with a teasing smirk on my face. "you love my rude ass side."

He stayed silent, which made me turn to him to check he was okay. "I do." he mumbled "I love your sweet side too." after taking another peak to my lips, he leaned on me and, without thinking twice, I closed the gap between us.

Our lips crashed and, while his right hand went to my cheek, his left traveled to my thigh. Letting out a muffled moan, I let my hands roam over his upper body. "let's get outta here" he mumbled against my jaw.

"yeah, let's get the hell outta here." I pulled away to clumsily grab my purse and pay the drinks, though t was a difficult task to accomplish with Barnes lips attacking my neck.

"you sure 'bout this?" he whispered, pulling me away from the bar top as soon as I had paid. " 'cause you're gonna regret this in the mornin'."

"I'm a grown ass woman" I replied, exiting the bar and pulling him into another sloppy kiss. "my place's near."

Within minutes, we were bursting into my house, tossing or clothes all over the place in our bumpy way to my room. "I'll tell you everythin' tomorrow" he mumbled, taking off his shirt. "I promise"

"Okay" I managed to say, unzipping my pants and letting him take them off. "I'll take your word for it"

He took off his remaining clothes and I did the same "Good" he groaned more than said, picking me up.

"Good" I echoed, letting him carry me to my bed.

Fuck, we were really going to regret this, but I couldn't care less.

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schrisnicholas · 5 years

Text

IGOR is something special

I wanna start by saying I’m not the biggest Tyler The Creator fan, I Love Flower Boy as an album, but it’s not like he’s an artist that I would specifically ever call out as one of my favorites. zero disrespect intended in that statement, but it’s important to point out before I make my point here.

It’s Friday May 17th at 1:51 AM as i type, IGOR has been released

and immediately my twitter timeline is flooded with my friends talking about what an amazing album this is, I was listening to Flower Boy earlier today unaware that Igor’s arrival was imminent, I follow Tyler on twitter and I've been hearing about it but it’s a testament to my level of fandom that I saw these promotions but never cared enough to pay enough attention. Today has been a hard day for me personally that all lead up to an extremely stressful night. I decided to slip away from my family and take some alone time to listen to what my friends are all collectively freaking out over, and from track 1 IGOR’S THEME it instantly feels like I’ve been transported out of my stressful existence and into a space where nothing exists but the music in my ears. Tyler tends to have this affect on people. I recall Tyler having a panel at comic con one year the same day Flower Boy was released he was doing a panel for his show The Jellies! and at the Q&A of the panel a fan came up and said something along the lines of

“I Know it just came out but Flower Boy is my favorite album of all time”

Tyler’s response was something like

“Chill it’s only been out like an hour”

Quote is definitely not verbatim and i couldn’t find the footage but i swear this happened*

He has this instant impact with his music, he put out a statement a little over an hour before the album dropped.

Tyler took the time to advise the fans to give their full attention to the album, that it would be best to listen all the way through without distraction, and I agree with him one hundred percent this album deserves your full attention and willingness to drift off into something I would call closer to an experience than an album I put on Tumblr TV and typed in “relaxing” just to have something I could look at without it being distracting and I would honestly recommend this, this album pairs well with 90′s anime aesthetic gifs. I really wished I had an E-cigarette while I was going my first time through.

It brings out a very floating through space vibe, and right now tonight I needed this album, and I’m more than sure i’ll need it on more nights like this in the future.

When I stopped and thought about just how much I had enjoyed my first go through before starting the second I had a moment to say to myself

“wow logic’s last album came out like a week ago I listened to it once, and completely forgot about it until right now.”

For context Logic is my Favorite rapper, I’ve listened through every studio released album of his more times than I can count, and his underground mixtapes a handful of times as well.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Is by no means a “bad album” I really enjoyed it, and i feel bad to even compare it to anything else after only one listen, I’m reminded of him saying that he hates critics one listen reviews and that they should take the time to listen more than once before giving a critical opinion.

Which is fair, but what I’m saying is that as a huge logic fan who was there day one for his last four albums and his novel supermarket I didn’t feel any desire to go through it again. And that’s strange since I was overly obsessed with every single he put out before COADM dropped on loop. As a whole it didn’t inspire the same feeling that IGOR, an album from an artist I casually like gave me than a major release from someone I would without hesitation call my favorite.

I’ll listen to COADM again, and again and again. Because I love logic, his music has the same effect on me that weezer my favorite band does. It’s music that speaks to my soul, but part of being a fan of something that means so much to you is being able to admit when something misses the mark but loving them still all the same. And again to reiterate I liked this album.

But the fact that something I was eagerly awaiting from someone I love left me without much of a major impression, while an album I paid no attention to until it was all i could hear about now has me on my fourth listen hours after it’s release on loop in my AirPods right now that managed to melt away the stress and anxiety of an unusually bad day tells me exactly why

Igor is something special.

#igor #tyler the creator #music #album #blogging #logic #confessions #confessions of a dangerous mind #thoughts

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