The posts that are really popular rn where it's like how much your mothers life would have been if you were not born is extremely difficult PERSONALLY for me to be seeing all the time. I know it has a target audience, I know it's not about me, that there are social implications and whatnot.. but I've always craved for my mom to love me, to want me to be here, I always felt like the little robot boy in A.I or Danielle in ever after, etc etc. I feel very transient in the lives of other people, I've been physically abandoned by my parents for almost 7 years and I know I've always been the person to walk behind a group of three.. I always try to do everything with sincerity, I spend long hours just trying to figure out how people work, how do you be a person right, or just helplessly dream of being reborn and being a cat. I don't know. Maybe I am just pathologically annoying or I talk weird or something but I jst can not believe that any of those things meant I am unworthy of being here or having a family. I feel I am moving mountains just to deserve to be here. I just don't know what to make of the idea that the first pair of arms in this world that held me did not even want me there.

In another universe my mother is doing fine and don’t beg for love, I no longer fix her mistakes and I don’t act like a mom for her more that she does with me. In another universe my mother is loved,especially by herself.

“Your boyfriend is clean now.” “I folded your boyfriend for you.” “Oh, I almost forgot about your boyfriend. He was at the bottom of the bin.” <- various ways my mother refers to my Bob Ross shirt

Happy mother's day to Lynn Murray and Cesar's mom

And to every mom out there ❤️

I wasn’t prepared for this day AT ALL. I’m so happy I got to spend time with you Tuesday and tell you I love you! Listen to you tell me you loved me 💕 I don’t know how to exist in this world without you and I’m going to need your strength each day to make it through them. I’m SO HURT behind this. I don’t know if I’m coming or going, my mind is all over the place, and I’ve been crying since I woke up this morning. I miss you so much & I love you! My QUEEN, literally my EVERYTHING 🫶🏾💔 now I really have to pray for my strength because I’m so damn weak right now and lost with you. I feel like I had so much more to learn and not even enough time. I know you’re happy to be with your mom and your aunt 💕 I miss you and I LOVE YOU MOM!

10.5.22

She would always heart my photography on instagram and she was my biggest supporter when I had a redbubble. So much so that she wouldn’t even let me take the desk pad with my print on it. Which is so funny to me. She only lived 10 more days after I left. She did zero desk time in those days. She never even saw it again.

She gave me one of the most common fucking names of the seventies and eighties. But I love it. I’m not even bothered that I have to share it with half the planet. it’s such a pretty name and it’s entirely mine. One of my favorite songs as a kid was Come on Eileen. It’s a good song and that is my mom’s name, how cool is that? One of the best moming things she ever did was letting me enjoy that song while also separately hating that fucking song. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I figured that song must have been such a point of gross harassment for her. She just let me be a kid and enjoy the fun parts. A few months before she died I sent her a copy of the book Eileen. Telling her, “I get things named after me all the time but I thought it was pretty cool that you get a whole book!” I got pissed a few days ago that she didn’t make it to the movie release.

Me: what a dumb thing to get pissed about.

AuntMurble: I support your anger.

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING CANDLE MY MOM GOT ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY

my parents at senior prom / 1976

La vida —y mi alma— te quieren viva.

Life -and my soul- wants you alive.

I will never forget the time when in a restaurant in Santa Monica my mother wanted to order for herself with her very basic English and asked for a cock instead of a coke.

A huge shoutout to my mom whose birthday is today. I love you, mom. ❤️

Planted sunflowers outside moms windows. She adopted them. All summer she called them by name. "Medusa," she said, "is getting heavy-headed" when the seeds bedded in. One morning, "the pillars" fell over in the rain. Today their flowers are all dry and brassy, duff flowing out in the wind, but she stops me, "Look at the twins." I step to the side. I look out glass shrouded in gray sky, except for them. Each stem is bouncing with birds that would fit three to four in my hand. "I thought they were butterflies at first," and, finally, "they make me so happy."

@popupopypoo0 mooommy ♥

“Mami, te quiero”/“Mom, I love you”

📍 San Juan, Puerto Rico

🎞️ Canon AE-1, Portra 400

© Mela

My Mom…. My Mom 🤎

Although you weren’t physically here to help me celebrate my 30th, you were here in spirit. While I was making this picture, I cried because you should’ve been here 🥺 I love you & miss you soooo much mom! Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and how life would’ve been with you still around. Birthdays &. holidays are always the hardest, but I know you’re still covering me every step of the way! 🤎

It’s my mom’s birthday she would have been 68 which feels pretty young to me. Maybe we were always perplexed by each other. She was a fierce remote firecracker of a human. She horfed all the popcorn. god she loved weed I could not relate to her on that one. she loved a tiny explore. She helped teach me about the tiny explore, road trips some of them epic. They must have been so precarious? I was so tiny and so was she. One time AuntAbides and my mom drove to Las Vegas and the night drive through the mountains was so cold that they piled newspapers on my head. That would have been about first grade for me. There was a time that we were all each other had. A team. I was too young to know if it was a good team or not but we did okay. When I moved away we never learned how to be in each other’s lives. There were mostly only hurts and disappointment. One time she shunned me for six months because I didn’t call her enough. Sometimes I wonder if that was her way of screaming for help but I couldn’t and still can’t get past the revoking of care because of disapproval. It’s a real fucking sticking point with me. I feel written out. I told my brother that she was a different person before she met his dad but it might just be that she disconnected from me and reconnected to them.

I did my daughterly duties. We went on some shopping trips. When I was sitting in Georgia while she had chemo and radiation I feel like our conversation was mostly her telling me that she needed to focus on herself and getting better. (My love was telling me something similar at the same time, I’ll take this one up in therapy.) We watched home improvement shows in the mornings over coffee before I would retreat to the office to make nickels and avoid my stepdad. She told me she didn’t like to make plans with me because she didn’t want to disappoint me. She did get me to Raleigh. Our last road trip together. God I can look back and know how spent we all were. Soon I’ll be in the hospital.

I went to her again. I sat with her and brought her coffee and snacks. I wrapped their presents. She told me my hands were freezing. They are. I know. She called me once but it was probably a mistake. We couldn’t reach each other. I could never reach her again once I left.

And that was the time we had.