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mrsreginagold · 2 months

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Fic: Every Time I Breathe I Take You In

Fandom: Nikita

Pairing: Ari Tasarov x Nikita Mears (Nikari)

Rating: R

Spoilers: Season 2 AU where Ari betrays Amanda and works with Nikita and her team. He has been with them for several months at the starting point in this story. For the purposes of this universe, Nikita and Michael have remained friends but have never been a couple.

Summary: Nikita decides to go for a midnight swim to clear her head. She isn’t expecting company, but Ari has been proving a man of surprises as of late.

Author's note: When it comes to my OTPs, fluff generally starts to become a priority. This is just one of many Nikari pieces to drift in that direction.

On AO3

Every Time I Breathe I Take You In

There were remarkably few places to be alone with one’s thoughts in an estate the size of the one Nikita Mears currently occupied with her team.

Things had been especially hectic as of late, leaving the former Division operative in a state of frazzled nerves more often than not, so she had taken to late night swims to clear her head.

While the indoor, heated pool that adjoined the property was a popular destination during the day, it was quiet and isolated past midnight. This led to it being a perfect spot for mulling over feelings and contemplations, which seemed to circulate especially around a certain individual.

For the past several months, Ari Tasarov had become an unexpected ally – betraying his organization, his ex-girlfriend, and much of what Nikita had assumed that he stood for. She knew all too well how difficult the transition could be once such a decision had been made and had not hesitated to offer him sanctuary in return.

The truth was: she’d anticipated him turning the deal down, but then he’d surprised her and everyone else by accepting and coming to live on the grounds.

This alone was an adjustment that had taken time to accept – less so on Nikita’s part and more on everyone else’s – but as it turned out, having Ari around resulted in no shortage of benefits.

For one thing, the man was an excellent cook. She’d asked him one time where he’d picked up the skill and his sole response had been a mysterious, alluring smile.

Which brought up an additional benefit, at least where she was concerned: plenty of one-on-one interaction in order to sus out what her feelings for him happened to be.

From the instant that they had met, there had been a spark of attraction between the pair. The burgeoning affection had only increased on Nikita’s end after Ari had rescued her from certain death.

There had also been that incredibly heated make-out session between them in an elevator prior to the aforementioned heroics, but at the time she’d thought that it might have been because he’d been aware of her potential fate.

Nikita sighed softly, floating lazily on her back as the moment replayed over in her mind now that it was at the forefront. She could easily imagine the solid heat of his body as it pressed against hers, his soft mouth seeking her own over and over, and those talented hands threading into her hair to keep her close.

A bloom of heat erupted right below her stomach at the memory. That was another thing she hadn’t expected him to be quite so good at.

With a frustrated sound, she sank under the chlorinated water, holding her breath for as long as she was able and attempting to empty her head of the sensual picture.

She broke the surface once she needed air, slicking her hair back from her face and carefully opening her eyes when she had swept the remaining drops of moisture away so it wouldn’t sting.

Her vision went blurry momentarily before clearing, and her heart skipped several beats when she witnessed the man she had just been thinking of enter the room.

“I thought I might find you in here,” Ari’s deep, resonant voice belied amusement. He was dressed in a thin, pale blue button-down shirt, the sleeves rolled up and collar unbuttoned just enough to reveal a triangle of the toned chest that lay beneath. This was paired with black pants that were also rolled up along his calves. His feet were bare, and he carried a pair of large, fluffy towels, so he had clearly anticipated what she would be doing.

“Who tipped you off?” she swam to the edge of the pool and rested her arms on the mosaiced tile that framed it. “Was it the nerd?”

He snickered quietly at her nickname for Birkoff. “Actually, it was Alex.”

“Really?” Both of her eyebrows shot up. “I thought it would at least be another month before she began speaking to you.”

He set the towels down on a chaise nearby and then picked a dry spot close to her where he sat and dangled his feet in the water. “It wouldn’t have surprised me if it had taken a year. I can’t say I blame her either, after…” a disappointed frown marred his angular, handsome features. “Well. After.”

Instinctively, she slid closer. “You can’t dwell, Ari. You have to look forward.”

The corners of his mouth turned up briefly. “That’s easier said than done.”

“Trust me,” she reached up and grasped his wrist, her grip firm but not unkind. “I know.”

Eyes of brilliant, cobalt blue caught hers, the sincerity in them making her pulse thrum. “It helps having you around, Nikita. You’re the one person here who doesn’t judge me outright.”

She swallowed, pleasant butterflies fluttering around in her stomach. “Just give them time.”

“I am.” His hand crossed over her own, squeezing in reassurance. “Besides, what they think isn’t what matters.” His gaze never left hers, the hidden meaning in his tone becoming clearer by the second.

A substantial part of her wished to kiss him, so she could recall exactly what it was about his taste and touch that drove her so wild. The more logical side didn’t want to startle him by being too aggressive.

“Could you…move over a bit?” she inquired.

He arched a brow curiously but did as she requested.

She swam over to the ladder that was closest so she could exit the pool, aware of him watching her as she grabbed a towel and then rubbed down some of the moisture from her one-piece bathing suit.

After drying off slightly, she moved to sit beside him and dunk her feet back into the water. “There’s something that I’ve been meaning to talk to you about, but it’s taken me a while to come to terms with it.”

Ari exhaled, though his face betrayed little emotion. “It’s all right. I think I know what you’re going to say.”

“And what’s that?”

He kicked up a tiny splash. “You don’t feel the same way that I do.”

She paused, thinking over how best to communicate to him that he was completely wrong about that.

She settled on tenderly placing one hand on his cheek and turning his face towards hers.

“Ari, ever since that night and that moment we shared in the elevator – it made me realize just how much of my life isn’t real. It’s all theater and play pretend. But you? You’re real. What you make me feel is real. And I can’t risk losing that.”

He reached out then, framing her face between his hands and whispering with conviction: “You won’t lose me, Nikita. But I won’t be some sort of consolation prize. I know that’s what Amanda really wanted: not my love, but my influence.”

“That isn’t what I want. I want you. I want you so badly that it terrifies me.”

Whether it was his doing or hers, it was hard to say, but in the next second she was in his arms.

The ardent kiss that was shared threw them off balance enough to tumble into the pool.

She grasped at his collar while underwater, breaking from the embrace and kicking to propel them back to the surface.

They emerged, sputtering and coughing.

“That probably wasn’t the smartest idea,” Ari gasped.

“Probably not,” she managed, laughing quietly, only for it to die once she got a better look at her companion.

There had been an unintentional perk to their impetuousness in that his shirt was now soaked through and clinging to his slim yet well-built torso.

She allowed herself to stare at her leisure, and thanks to how transparent the fabric was, there was little left to the imagination.

Her eyes traveled slowly along the breadth of his shoulders and then headed down, appreciating a broad chest and tapered waist.

As he ran his fingers through his now damp hair, she got a clear view of a toned bicep, and when he finally met her eyes again, the look that crossed his face was adorably befuddled. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I’m not allowed to stare at a handsome man?”

“You find me handsome?” he quipped, crossing what little distance was left between them and snaking his arms around her waist beneath the water.

“Ari, I just told you that I wanted you so badly that it terrified me,” she rolled her eyes but circled her arms around his neck. “I figured it was a given.”

“Desire can work in mysterious ways,” he touched their foreheads together. “And admittedly, I’m out of practice when it comes to being the one who’s being lusted after.”

“Let’s go about fixing that,” she mumbled, brushing her lips tenderly over his and reaching for the buttons on his shirt. “Starting with getting you out of these wet clothes.”

His hands moved up to still hers before they got too far. “Wait.”

“Don’t tell me you’re ticklish.”

“A little, but that’s not why I stopped you,” he confessed. “I want this to be special, not some wild fumble in a swimming pool.”

“It wouldn’t be a wild fumble –

He cut her off before she could protest further by placing his fingers gently over her mouth. “Yes it would. I can do much better than that. Follow me,” he twined their hands together and escorted her out of the pool.

Nikita’s curiosity grew as Ari guided her through the labyrinthian maze of tunnels that ran under the house. They had stopped only for a moment to gather some blankets, and while she wasn’t minding the lovely view that she had of his elegant frame in still drenched clothing, she had to wonder just what he had planned.

“You’re not cold?” she queried, noting that visibly: he was unaffected by the chill in the air.

She, however, had cocooned herself in one of the blankets to keep from shivering.

“No, but then I do hail from a country known for harsh winters,” he cast a glance back at her. “Don’t worry. It’s not much further.”

“Ari, I didn’t even know these tunnels were here.”

“I’m not surprised, they’re well-hidden for a reason. Judging by the architecture and our location, it’s likely that they were built back during the American Revolution.”

Her brows arched at the guess. “When did you become an expert on both American History and architecture?”

“I needed a hobby,” he shrugged.

She gave him a look.

He drew to a halt and elaborated. “I’ve been looking into building an underground safe house for a while. The research led me into some unexpected areas.”

“You were looking into building a safe house? Even though you’ve been staying with us?”

Ari turned; his expression was serious, making her breath catch. “I sensed that I may no longer be welcome before too long.”

She sprang forward, shaking her head. “No. No, I’m sure the others will –

“Let’s not kid ourselves, Nikita. I’m an outsider and I always will be. If all that’s gained from this is a chance to rebuild my life and a night with you, so be it.”

“No.” She stamped her foot, which probably didn’t look too imposing in a flip-flop, but she didn’t care. “Ari your home is here…with me.”

“I want that more than anything,” he stepped forward, taking the chance to run his fingers through the damp strands of her hair. “I love you. But it doesn’t change the fa –

She interrupted him with a fervent kiss, looping her arms around his neck and pouring every ounce of emotion into the embrace, hoping it would get her point across better than words could.

He kissed her back just as ardently, which told her that the message was received loud and clear.

He pulled away first, nuzzling at her nose. “You stopped listening after I said that I loved you, didn’t you?”

“Completely. Now can we please get to wherever we’re going? Because I’m ten seconds away from tearing your clothes off and having you against a wall.”

“As fun as that sounds,” he abruptly scooped her up and began carrying her the rest of the way, smirking when she let out a squeak in surprise. “You’re going to have to wait just a little longer. I promise it’ll be worth it.”

“Better be,” she murmured, snuggling close.

Eventually, they came upon a door, and Ari instructed Nikita to close her eyes for the short remainder of their journey.

Though she was practically buzzing with anticipation, she humored him by doing so.

She felt him set her down on a plush surface, and then heard him rummaging around before she flinched when the area was flooded with enough bright light to make spots appear against her eyelids. “Okay…what’s going on?”

“You can open your eyes now.”

Carefully, she did, only for them to widen once she could see clearly.

They were in an atrium, surrounded by glass walls that shimmered when the overhead lamps reflected upon them. She was seated on a comfortable bed, and there was a wild array of plants and flowers stretching out across the ground. She could pick out roses, jasmine, and several types of wildflowers, along with plenty of herbs, vegetables, and fruit. “Ari, what is this?”

“It’s home. Well, it will be, once I convert the rest of it,” he walked over to her side, a wide, beaming smile gracing his striking features. “I’ll have to take out most of the glass on the west side for privacy, but I planted all of this first.”

“So you just found this place?” she looked at him quizzically.

“Actually, I bought it.” He confirmed, reaching out one hand so she could stand at his side, observing his handiwork.

“You were serious about putting down roots then; I guess I just didn’t expect that to be literal. I also didn’t peg you for having such a green thumb.”

“It’s something I indulged in where I could over the years,” he moved behind her and circled his arms around her waist.

Sighing, she leaned back. “It’s beautiful in here. How far are we from headquarters?”

His breath ruffled her hair. “About thirty minutes. I never intended to stray too far.”

“Good.” She twisted to face him, pressing her palms over his heart. “It can be our private get-away.”

He dipped his head, his lips grazing hers tantalizingly. “I’m hoping, someday, that it can be more than that. Home wouldn’t be complete without you by my side.”

Her heart cartwheeled happily at his words, and she nudged his nose playfully with her own. “That sounds absolutely wonderful, but first, I need a promise from you.”

“What kind of promise?”

“Let me prove to you how much I love you,” she toyed with the top button on his shirt before popping it open. “No more hesitation.”

He chuckled from low in his throat, pulling her in further and slipping the blanket still around her shoulders onto the bed behind them. “No more hesitation…no more doubts. I promise.”

Elated, she caught his mouth in a passion-infused kiss, effectively shifting the mood towards more pleasant pursuits.

Now that there was nothing further to distract either of them, they took their time.

Skilled hands eased Nikita out of her swim wear, while she focused on getting Ari out of his mostly dry clothing, smiling when he tugged his arms free of the shirt and she could take a moment to appreciate the alluring picture in front of her before continuing until it was skin against skin.

Her breath hitched when he stepped closer, her fingers skimming over the sculpted muscle of his arms and chest as he stole another kiss and guided her onto the bed.

He settled comfortably against her, causing her to moan quietly and revel in the velvet texture of his skin. She then hooked one leg around his and turned the tides so he would be the one under her instead.

She smirked at the stunned expression on her lover’s face when she straddled his hips and dragged her nails through the hair that dusted his chest. “Now, stay still.”

“Easier said than done,” he hissed as she ducked her head and purposely nipped at his throat, her tongue laving at his Adam’s Apple briefly before drifting lower.

Her hands moved up to pin his against the blankets while she continued in her quest. She recalled his earlier comment about not being used to the one being the object of desire, and she was determined to worship every inch of him until her point was made.

With each kiss and touch, she could sense his resolve crumbling and made mental notes of where he happened to be the most sensitive.

It was when he uttered several curses in his native tongue that she was certain she had him exactly where she wanted him, and not long after: she succeeded in her task of driving him over the edge.

With a satisfied grin, Nikita crawled back up the length of his body, darting firefly kisses along the path she made.

His chest heaved with each breath that he took, painting a very sensual image that she pocketed away in her mind before she rested her head on the pillow next to his and slung an arm over his torso.

“Penny for your thoughts?” she inquired, sweeping an errant strand of tousled hair away from his eyes. He had been growing it out recently, and she rather liked the way it accentuated his face.

“I think you might have chased any coherent ones away,” he looked over at her, an ocean of blue glittering with amusement. “Typically, there’s a bit of patience where seduction is concerned.”

“Patience was never one of my virtues.”

“Clearly.” His already deep tone was laced with enough gravel to prompt a pleased shiver to run along her spine.

Instinctually, she curled into his embrace. “I feel like there’s going to be some subtle payback.”

“Nothing will be subtle about it, darling,” he shook his head, mischief glinting in his gaze right before he swiftly trapped her between his body and the mattress. “Or quick, for that matter.”

“Oh really? I bet I can take anything you dish out,” she challenged.

“We’ll have to see about that,” he arced one brow in response, and then his mouth descended on hers.

They reclined further into the nest of blankets, Nikita gasping when Ari’s lips strayed to travel, feather-light, along her neck.

She was quickly consumed by sensation, heat blossoming at her center while he gradually explored, leaving no area of her body uncharted in an effort to prove good on his earlier words.

She inhaled shakily as he did so, unexpected feelings surfacing at his actions. Previous experiences had always been on the brief side, with a fair amount of clothing left on. She had made it a point not to expose herself entirely in order to shield her heart from disappointment, and yet, with him, she was willing to risk it all because of how strongly she cared.

A startled sound escaped when he paid special attention to her breasts, her hands moving up to card through his hair and keep him steady. At the same time, a practiced hand stroked up the curve of her hip before finally darting between her legs.

Eventually, she let go as he reduced her to a trembling mess, collapsing back against the pillows, sated.

It took her a bit to regain enough composure to open her eyes, only to find him staring at her with a self-satisfied expression that she immediately wished to wipe from his face.

“To be fair: you were the one who started this,” his shoulders shook with mirth thanks to the look she directed at him.

She lunged forward with a growl, sending him toppling back onto the mattress, cutting off the genuine laughter that emerged with a wild embrace that gradually turned romantic the longer that it went on.

He turned to bear her beneath him again, limbs entwining naturally as they became fully lost in each other.

She locked her legs around his waist, arching her hips in an invitation that he willingly took – joining them with a quick thrust before they began to move in time.

They rapidly gained symmetry, unable to stop kissing or touching in some way as their union wore on, until, at last: they fell, one in every aspect.

By the arrival of morning, Nikita has lost track of just how times she and Ari had made love. All she knew was that she was going to be pleasantly numb for a good few hours still, and pondered how he even had the energy to get up and make them breakfast.

She sunk, happily, into the soft covers of their bed and watched him wander around in the small kitchen nearby. He had a blanket wrapped around his waist instead of bothering with clothes, which allowed her plenty of his lean, perfectly muscled frame to ogle over while she waited.

He seemed well-aware of her admiration and looked back over his shoulder. “I am not working with an open flame while completely naked, sorry to disappoint you.”

“You didn’t have to make pancakes.”

“I know, but I seem to recall you describing these as orgasmic so I thought I’d put my skill to the test in a different way.”

Giggling, she sat up, gathering the bedsheets around her in a make-shift dress so she could rise and assist him. “You have any blueberries around here?”

“I knew I was forgetting something,” he shut down the stove temporarily and walked over to take her hand, escorting her over to a row of various berry plants. “We also have strawberries.”

“I’ll take a bit of each.” She knelt down and began collecting one kind, while he went to grab the other.

With handfuls of fruit, they made their way back to the kitchen and fell into a routine of cooking, talking quietly and basking in one another’s company.

A short time later found them back on the bed with a tray of food that they could share.

Nikita chewed on a slice of strawberry with a smile, observing Ari while he topped the pancakes with some butter and syrup. “Careful, we don’t want to make more of a mess than we already have.”

He laughed softly and began cutting into the breakfast. “It will probably drip onto us rather than the bedding, but that just gives me an excuse to take a long hot shower with you later.” He leaned across to kiss her sweetly and then offered her the first bite. “I’ll let you be the judge of how well these turned out.”

Her grin spread before she enthusiastically dug in.

He watched her fondly, resting his chin against his hand. “How are they?”

“Fantastic,” she mumbled, mouth still full. She took a sip of the tea he’d made for her to wash the remnants down. “The blueberries were the right call.”

His way of thanks was a gentle kiss to her shoulder before he began to eat as well.

It was silent as they finished their meal, and Nikita took the opportunity to fully appreciate how handsome Ari could be even during the simplest of moments.

Love bubbled up within her, and when he briefly left in order to put their dishes away, she stretched out lazily along the covers. “I think I might just take a well-earned nap. You’re welcome to join me.”

“Sounds perfect,” he didn’t waste a second in taking her up on the invite, and the next few minutes were spent getting comfortable under the blankets again.

She cuddled close, pillowing her head on his chest and basking in his natural warmth. “You know…with a bit of paint and a feminine touch, this truly could be ours.”

“Ours, I like that,” his fingers danced over the slope of her shoulder. “Are you certain?”

“I am,” she peered up at him. “Let’s make this a home.”

The kiss he bestowed was evidence that he approved of her plan, and they settled in for a long rest, content and very much looking forward to their future.

The End

#ari x nikita #nikari #mine #mrsreginagold #peter outerbridge #ari tasarov #nikita mears #otp: enemy mine #nikita 2010 #fanfiction #i love writing these two so much #especially when i can just push canon aside and let my romantic tendencies take hold #every otp should have a private atrium/greenhouse is what i'm saying #otp: this is the life we've chosen

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comradekatara · 1 month

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sokka, katara, and the paradox of “the gifted child”

something i’ve noticed is a tendency to (mis)characterize sokka as someone who is dismissed due to being a nonbender, when that’s only partially true. sokka is certainly dismissed by some for not being a bender (namely, by benders), but i think there’s a key difference between being dismissed and not being valued in one specific way. katara was valued by her tribe for being a waterbender for the very crucial reason that she was the last one left. had she been a dime a dozen in her tribe, which would have been the case were it not for the systemic extermination of her people, she would not be valued as highly for possessing this skill. that said, while sokka clearly does hold some resentment over his lack of bending ability, calling himself “the guy in the group who’s regular,” i think it’s folly to assume that this means that sokka was dismissed and discarded as “average” while katara was put on a pedestal for being special. because while katara obviously was considered special, sokka is also clearly considered special by his family, merely in different ways. and if anything, sokka embodies the archetypal struggle of the so-called "gifted child” far more than katara does.

while sokka clearly believes himself to be disposable and intrinsically worthless, i don’t think that he was actively neglected by his family. even if katara was clearly marked by her bending as embodying the last hope of their tribe, that doesn’t mean that she was seen as more gifted than he was or was designated as her family’s obvious favorite. for example, the way hakoda talks about sokka (saying he trusted him with leading and protecting the tribe when he was thirteen, calling him a genius, and other such insanely high praises to heap on a child) shows that he clearly views his son as particularly exceptional and has never been shy about showing that. sokka is distinctly insecure around his father for assumptions he makes regarding hakoda's faith in his abilities and his insecurities when it comes to his perceived failure in not measuring up as a man, but from the second we meet hakoda, it's evident that these insecurities are entirely internal and completely unfounded, at least in terms of his father's perception of him. hakoda is nothing but incredibly proud of sokka, constantly emphasizing just how capable and brilliant he believes him to be. whether or not sokka is capable of internalizing it is another story, but it's clear that hakoda is not stingy in his praise and affection, not even a little bit.

moreover, while katara is clearly kanna’s favorite on an emotional level, she nonetheless affords sokka far more respect. she admonishes katara and tells her to do her chores, and notably, she also impresses the importance of “listening to her brother,” and backs up sokka’s decision to banish aang from the village. you can claim that sexism plays a factor in how sokka views his own supposed position of authority, but kanna is a woman who traveled the entire globe as a teenager because she wanted to escape patriarchal impositions dictating her life. she’s simply far too smart to treat sokka as any sort of authority within their village if she did not fully entrust him with that responsibility. she treats sokka almost like a peer, as if she is legitimately co-running the village with a fifteen year old boy.

katara is only a couple years younger than sokka at most, but her dynamic with kanna is very different. on one hand, kanna clearly sees more of herself in katara, can identify with her sense of adventure and rebellious spirit, but on the other hand, it means that she views katara as a child to be taken care of, who needs to be reminded to do her chores and bailed out when she gets herself into trouble. sokka doesn't want to be viewed as a child, and so he does everything in his power to position himself as kanna's equal rather than her grandson. he takes his duties and responsibilities very seriously, and is obedient to a fault whenever he is submitting to any authority he actually respects, especially his father and grandmother. to be honest, a lot of what katara considers coddling is probably just sokka never being bossed around by their grandmother because she never actually has to tell him to do his chores. because despite katara's claim that he simply faffs about "playing soldier," sokka's problem is actually that he takes himself too seriously for her liking. and with the exception of kanna saying "be nice to your sister," which is the kind of teasing a parent says to their child, she clearly respects sokka's position in the village. when katara tries to run away with aang, kanna takes sokka's side and forbids her from acting impulsively, but when sokka is the one who packs supplies and plans to save aang, kanna gives them both her blessing.

katara is the only person who takes umbrage with the notion of sokka running the village and telling her what to do all day. and those frustrations have likely accumulated up from a lifetime of being told to “do as her brother says” and “why can’t she be smarter and more responsible and levelheaded blah blah blah.” she clearly thinks that she’s punching up when she yells at or mocks him, which may seem crazy to anyone who understands that sokka’s entire identity and existence revolves around being katara’s protector, but katara doesn’t actually know this. in her mind sokka is merely the perfect child who has always represented this impossible standard of “genius.” and what's more, he's absolutely insufferable about it.

and to be clear, this isn’t to say that katara herself isn’t highly intelligent, capable, competent, and skilled. she’s not only an incredibly talented waterbender, but also clever, quick, witty, creative, resourceful, practical, mature, and thoughtful in other ways. at one point, toph calls her a genius (“a stinky, sweaty genius”). and she is, indeed, an extremely powerful and innovative waterbender, both due to her hard work, but also because she is genuinely brilliant. that said, she’s smart in the realistic way that a kid is smart; she works hard to be good at what she cares about (and she has an existentially devastating reason to care about being a good waterbender, mind you), and she’s also good at thinking on the fly when she needs to. however, unlike sokka, or even toph, her intellect may be impressive, but it isn’t astonishing. sokka’s mind functions completely anomalously. i wouldn't say he's unrealistically intelligent, because i do know some people in real life who are similarly adept at processing all kinds of different information with the ability to deftly apply it near-immediately, but it is certainly abnormal, both for real world standards and within his universe.

i normally bristle at this term and its applications (for multiple reasons), but since it is explicitly stated multiple times across the show, it is important to acknowledge that sokka is referred to as a genius multiple times, including by his father. katara is referred to as being a genius by toph for using her own sweat to waterbend (which, as hama points out an episode later, isn't even that clever because you can literally bend water from the air around you); conversely, sokka is referred to as a genius for helping to invent hot air balloons and for figuring out multiple escape routes from the world's most secure prison in less than a day. we don't know the exact timeframe under which katara trained with pakku and earned the title of master, but she clearly worked incredibly hard to earn that title, not only as a master, but as the greatest waterbender in the entire world. i assume it was any time between a few weeks and a little over a month in which zhao would organize a fleet to arrive at the north pole, which is, of course, extremely impressive in itself and a testament to her passion and determination. however, on the other hand, piandao claims that sokka has basically mastered the sword and is ready to make his own within less than a day. it's important to remember that katara is also brilliant in her own way, and possesses great skills that sokka lacks: not only bending, but also midwifery, and an ability to locate her own emotions and allow herself to be vulnerable with others, two skills which should never be looked down upon for their association with womanhood and femininity, and are also particularly impressive considering just how young katara is. she is brilliant in her own right, and in any other family, katara would easily have been "the smart one." and yet, sokka is simply in a league of his own.

so, yeah, he can stand to get thrown around and yelled at; everyone her entire childhood just kept on impressing how special and perfect and brilliant he is, he can handle it. she has no idea that he is depressed, depersonalizes, loathes himself, and thinks he’ll never be good enough, because he never actually communicates any of that to her. the closest he ever comes is admitting that he’s jealous due to not having bending abilities, and even that shocks katara, even though it’s such a small and obvious admission in the scheme of things. she has no idea what’s going on with him psychologically, how he views himself in relation to others, and specifically in relation to her, so she kind of just assumes he’s entitled because surely he must know how special he is and thus feels owed accolades by the world at every turn. he deserves to be humbled, and she is in fact righteous for humbling him.

when she makes fun of him for being stupid or miserable or paranoid or cynical, she thinks she’s owning him the way a righteous underdog fights against an oppressor. it's similar to how zuko wants to "put azula in her place." in katara and zuko's minds, they are both the valiant underdog siblings who had to fight and struggle against the siblings for whom everything came so easily. and in katara’s mind especially, she is always punching up, and she always has a moral justification in lashing out at anyone she pleases. so she couldn’t fathom that the reason sokka puts up with her antagonism without complaint isn’t because he’s so above her that he can simply ignore her taunts and gibes without a care (if that were the case, he wouldn't bother to taunt and gibe in return), but rather that he feels so detached from his own personhood that he would never think to actually explain his feelings to the person whom he has defined himself through since childhood. and if he did ever, somehow, communicate that to her, she’d have to reevaluate their whole entire lives and dynamic. but he never will communicate that to her, so she’ll never actually have to do that.

moreover, even though katara often does tease sokka and cast doubt upon his competence and abilities in low-stakes situations constantly, whenever they are actually facing a real problem that requires an immediate solution, katara seems to forget that sokka is supposedly an unhelpful, lazy, immature idiot because she immediately turns to him to fix all their issues. and then once that issue is resolved, katara goes back to finding his existence bothersome. sokka, on the other hand, falls into this role of problem solver instinctually, with the one exception that when they actually name him as the idea guy, he jokingly complains that it’s a lot of pressure to be one who is always expected to come up with solutions. and while he is joking during that conversation in “the drill,” he’s being honest to an extent, because his perfectionism and fear of failure is truly dire.

when katara is faced with failure, whether as the consequences for her own actions or otherwise, she simply gets back up and tries again. she can’t be knocked down, she can’t be deterred from achieving her goals. she has a very healthy approach to making mistakes, and while she doesn’t always learn from them in the longterm, she does always try her best to fix them and amend the situation as immediately as possible. katara is someone who is incredibly resilient and is constantly demonstrating the sheer magnitude of her inner strength, especially in particularly difficult moments. she has the ability to fail as many times as it takes without letting that failure affect her own self-esteem or desire to keep striving for what she believes in.

sokka, on the other hand, is very physically resilient (he gets beat up a lot), but his emotional resilience is actually quite pathetic. he has no tools for coping with failure. from even the slightest mistake, like not actually being able to open the doors at the fire temple with his makeshift explosives, to a catastrophic one, like his failed invasion, sokka immediately retreats inward. in “the boiling rock,” sokka demonstrates how his first ever real failure that rests squarely on his own shoulders is so devastating to him that he becomes totally irrational and suicidal in an attempt to “rectify” the situation. he does not know how to cope with failure, because he expects himself to be perfect at all times. and it’s not because sokka is overly proud, but rather that his guilt complex is so profound that he blames himself for every single thing that goes awry at all times, even when it isn’t actually his fault whatsoever. so that guilt and shame is magnified a thousand fold when sokka is actually culpable for those losses.

one of many ways in which it is evident that sokka is the older sibling is that he clearly lives with the mentality that if katara messes up or gets herself in danger due to her own impulsive inclinations, it’s always actually sokka’s fault for not being a better, more attentive brother. when she sets off the booby trap in the banned ship, sokka banishes aang from the village so as to protect katara from herself. when katara experiences the consequences of heedlessly blowing up a factory, sokka gets mad at her for her recklessness, but also immediately finds a way to help her fix this situation, because that’s his job, and in fact, his primary purpose on this earth. this is a dynamic sokka has probably internalized even before he was assigned the role of her sworn protector, because that’s just how being the eldest is.

sokka’s tendency to take responsibility for everyone else’s mistakes and his desire to shoulder everyone else’s pain at all times, coupled with his implicit belief that he, uniquely, cannot afford to mess up ever (if other people make mistakes it’s fine and he can help them fix it, but if he makes mistakes he no longer has a purpose on this planet, goodbye cruel world), definitely indicates that he was held to an incredibly high standard all his life. he expects himself to be able to handle a lot of responsibility with perfect ease because he always has. he isn’t used to making mistakes of any kind. if he puts his mind into learning a new skill, he always masters it within a couple of days, whatever that skill happens to be. unlike katara, sokka is used to things coming easily to him, and what he isn’t used to is failure.

katara and sokka are both exceptional, of course, but in very different ways, and for very different reasons. katara grew up with a lot of external pressure to excel as a waterbender, because she needs to embody her cultural legacy and prove that her mother’s sacrifice was not in vain. it’s an unfathomable burden to place on a child, and the rate at which she improves her waterbending once she is actually given the resources to hone her skills is a testament to her perseverance and untiring dedication. katara becomes the greatest waterbender in the world not because she is a natural prodigy (which is something she bristles at when aang does display prodigious skill), but because she is incredibly determined and no one can outmatch the strength of her heart and unshakable commitment when she is pursuing a goal. as pakku even says, raw talent isn’t everything, and katara’s abilities prove that despite not being “naturally gifted,” hard work and determination is far more important when it comes to excelling in any given domain.

however, if katara’s motivation to be excellent is externally imposed by the tragic circumstances of her life, sokka’s motivations are, at the very least, internally maintained. as aforementioned, i have no doubt that he received a lot of external validation and praise from the adults in his life as a child with a dazzling, brilliant mind. as has been established, sokka is constantly displaying an ability to synthesize new information at a staggering rate, which likely means that before katara had even discovered her ability to waterbend, sokka was probably being fawned over for the impressive rate at which he was picking up new skills as a baby. since pretty much everything (cerebral, at least) comes easily to sokka, i can only imagine that hakoda, who never hesitates to express to his children how proud he is of them, would constantly affirm sokka’s intellect. and by boasting that sokka takes after himself (hakoda also refers to himself as a genius, completely sincerely), he unwittingly plants the first seeds in fostering sokka’s belief that he must be exactly like his father in every way, and that any deviation from hakoda’s image would prove him unworthy. but he will never be the spitting image of hakoda the way that katara is "the spitting image of kanna" because sokka is already the spitting image of kya, if not – perish the thought – his own person entirely.

unlike katara, who spent her whole childhood trying to waterbend by herself with little success (beyond, of course, isolated instances demonstrating her sheer raw power when her bending was being influenced by her incredibly strong and passionate emotions), sokka always felt like he could handle the amount of responsibility he was given, because everything came easily to him. until the day that his life changed forever, and suddenly the stakes were no longer abstract, but tangible and personally devastating. sokka had never learned that it was okay to fail as a child because he never had a reason to, and then suddenly, he could not afford to fail under any circumstances. failure of any kind went from being a (purely hypothetical) blow to the ego, to being something that could directly endanger the lives of his loved ones. and so sokka decides that the only way to not be culpable for his potential failures is to be a martyr.

of course, there are instances in which sokka is proven to be inept, such as on kyoshi island or with piandao, wherein his humility and open-mindedness are put on display and sokka puts aside his own standards of perfection to learn from a master, but i don't think these instances qualify as failures. for one thing, sokka happens to master the forms he is being taught in less than a day, at an unprecedented rate, and thus these initially humiliating blindspots in his knowledge become victories as sokka absorbs new knowledge. sokka is always eager to learn, and willing to acknowledge his lack of expertise in area, humbling himself to learn from others any chance he gets. no, what i mean by "failure" as it relates to sokka's self-perception and ego is not a lack of knowledge, but an inability to protect another. to sokka, his existence is defined by his ability to provide and protect, and thus, a failure is, specifically, when someone gets hurt under his watch. that is what it means to not be able to afford to fail. he is not overly proud (if anything he is overly insecure), but he also understands that the stakes of failure – real failure – are tangible.

so when it comes to failure that carries grave consequences, he would rather be dead than fallible (or, responsible for not adequately protecting his loved ones), one million times over. and so every time someone makes a sacrifice for him, he feels as if he has failed on a fundamental level, because simply being exceptional is not enough, he must also bear the entire world’s suffering alone – as (in his mind) hakoda instructed him to when he left him behind to protect and provide for the village. otherwise he has failed in his promise to be needed, which is his raison d’être. sokka’s complex is very obviously not informed solely by his upbringing as a “gifted kid,” and in fact largely informed by the dehumanizing logic of war as it necessitates sacrifice, but his inability to accept his own fallibility as a product of his self-dehumanization is, at the very least, compounded by his debilitating perfectionism.

thus, katara and sokka's dynamic within their family isn’t “gifted kid and neglected kid,” but rather “two gifted kids who are gifted in different ways, one of those ways being valued more on a cultural level due to its scarcity as a byproduct of genocide.” while katara was put on a pedestal her entire life due to her ability to waterbend, it doesn’t mean that sokka wasn’t put on a pedestal in other ways. if anything, the reason hakoda entrusted a child with the burdens he did was specifically because he put his son on a pedestal. sokka assumes that hakoda didn't think he was capable enough to join his army, but that couldn't be further from the truth. hakoda trusted his thirteen year old son so much that he genuinely thought it best to leave him alone with this duty to defend his village and protect katara at all costs. he didn't leave a single man behind, not even the other teenage boys, because that's how much faith he had in a child to take his responsibilities seriously and perform them competently. and if that decision gave sokka one million different complexes and fucked him up for life, it wasn’t because he wasn’t valued for his abilities, it’s because he was overvalued and given too much responsibility at too young an age.

both he and katara struggled to live up to the expectations placed on them, forced to fulfill the roles of their parents instead of being allowed to exist as children. but crucially, katara sees the injustice in that, and clings to her childhood even as she strives for greatness, and sokka simply doesn't. he's long accepted that injustice, and in fact feels guilty that he cannot better live up to the impossible portrait of an idolized father, an idealized masculinity, an illusory model of the infallible, unshakeable warrior. despite all his achievements and natural giftedness, he nonetheless feels totally inadequate, deeply flawed, and ontologically worthless. perhaps, in a world beyond the pressures of war and its dehumanizing logic, sokka would have internalized the praise he was constantly receiving his whole life for his gifts. but since he was only ever a prodigy in ways that didn’t matter (within that colonized paradigm), he doesn’t actually care about how clever and brilliant and creative and talented and unique and special he is, because that would first require him to see himself as fully human, and he can’t even do that.

#analysis #sokka #katara #katara&sokka #hakoda #kanna #kya #hakoda&sokka #kanna&sokka #kya&sokka #kanna&katara #whew...! 20+ paragraphs about sokka and katara’s childhood. it’s more likely than u think (highly likely at all times)#see but this is why sokka is so clearly a mirror to azula to me #like not just in terms of crippling perfectionism and devastating fear of failure and being a child prodigy who is put on a pedestal #but simultaneously dehumanized etc etc #but also the fact that like. zuko treats her the same way katara treats sokka #he clearly thinks his immediate hostility and aggression towards her is like. him nobly fighting the battle against his tormentor #when that is literally his little sister and she is struggling so much and desperate for support from LITERALLY ANYONE #katara and zuko are like ‘let’s put azula in her place’ and high five #and that’s just so fucking apt because they truly do believe that it’s their duty to put their perfect prodigy siblings ‘in their place’#but those are truly two of the most miserable people on the planet #so to any outside observers it’s just like………. why are you being mean to them they’re literally suicidal and shaking like a leaf #but also everyone already knows that azula is the prodigious gifted sibling bc zuko says it like one million times #so there’s rly no need to argue that #whereas katara loves calling sokka an idiot so i do believe that some clarification is in order #but like. yeah there’s no way sokka was dismissed or neglected as a child #he’s dismissed and neglected by the world at large #but within his tribe he’s like a mini celebrity . he’s their young sheldon (sorry)#anyway im running out of room to write tags but um. perfectionism is a disease get well soon xoxo bye

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