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uhlavender · 1 year

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hey I'm sorry if this reply is coming in late. I've been busy with traveling and work stuff the past couple weeks, that I haven't had any time for myself. i hope you've been well.

sorry to hear that you didn't like cults live! some artists are just great at production and not as performers. I remember having a friend so disappointed of how joji performed live. He kept yelling and asking the city how they were doing every minute. It was amusing lol. performing is just a whole other skill. honestly, there's artists that sound 1000x better live than the studio versions.

i'm learning korean, but i haven't had time to keep up with grammar, im just maintaining vocabulary so i dont forget. there's a lot to talk about when it comes to theory, but to boil it down, especially at the level you're at if you already can speak/listen, you should always be constantly giving yourself a lot of input (reading, listening, etc.) and never stop observing. Once you stop observing, and settle at your level/fluency, you will never grow. So if you don't stop observing/noticing stuff, like phrases, pronunciations, slang, you'll continue to grow. But yeah a lot of input is important. You should always read/listen to your stuff at your level + 1. Read/listen to stuff that you can understand ~96% of. You learn best when you can attach new words to a memory/emotional connection/image. You won't remember the word "obstruction" in a dictionary, but when you figure out the word "obstruction" when used in a movie, TV show, or song, you'll remember it better because of context.

Yeah i think what you're saying is very true. i think life in general is a whole mass of grey. i just wish artistically, my interests and passions will come together and align to something i can be proud of, but i'm just littered with unfinished projects. maybe in my mind during the time, i thought if i just had more focus and precision, i'd get things done.

hmm i think it's definitely an exciting position at a clean slate, but i don't see my slate as clean haha. i already fucked around a lot and have experience walking the roads im interested in. it feels more depressing when you tried and don't know whether you want to try again or fuck around with other shit. i hate saying this, but time is limited, and at a certain point, sometimes you feel like it's too late to hop on another path, but i guess that's just a sunk cost fallacy lol.

at the end of the day, i always think you should do what's fun. For me, it's always rotating -- if i stay too long on one thing, it gets too saturated for me fast. i've always seen that as a bane then a boon, it shows i can't stay consistent and i don't have perseverance.

and you're right. i think to see growth, you need change, otherwise you plateau. i definitely see growth and change in myself. my past self wouldn't believe how mellow i've become. a large part of me now just wants to simplify, minimize, and live a stable quiet life. and i think to do that, i want to let go of a lot of the things i was interested in. i think im just at a phase in my life where i want to move past experimenting and fucking around, and settle on something. i should be having fun with the process. when i think deep about it, it's not that im frustrated not knowing the answer, but that i really have a deep appreciation for art and expression, that it's hard to "choose" a medium to stick with. with all the ways you can express yourself through movies, books, clothes, music, painting, dancing, designing, cooking, and so much more along with the sub-genres behind it, it's hard to say "hey i want to do this for life". but i realize i don't really have to choose. it'll come naturally. i can just ride the river, and see where it leads me. you can also argue you don't have to do it for life, you can do anything you want, it's really your choice and that's the beauty of it. and i argue that my choice is to stick with 1 (or a few). i kind of see it like the difference between a buffet and a specialized restaurant. sure you get variety in a buffet, but you can't match the quality and 1:1 personal experience of a specialized restaurant.

Hey! Don't be sorry, I know I am not the most prompt either.

I hope you've since found some time for yourself. Traveling sounds fun though, where did you go and what do you do? Also, where is home for you?

Lol... Joji doing that does make sense to me. But I'm no performer either.

That language advice makes a lot of sense. It's why immersion is so great for learning quickly. That plus your need to survive lol. Why are you learning korean?

What exactly is stopping you from being proud now, even with unfinished projects? For me, it's comparison that makes my imposter syndrome worse. But other people have different circumstances, it would be really unfair to me if I didn't take that into account. I feel you on the focus thing too. I was diagnosed with ADHD and things started to make sense. Now I try to work with it rather than against it

I hear you, I think if you are called to pivot, do it. It is never too late to reinvent yourself. I am also brutally aware of how little time we have. It's like everything everywhere all at once. You can pick the timeline you want to live. It really is never too late.

I think it's ok to hop from one thing to the next. There are a lot of multi-passionate people who are restless with life. I see that as an asset, but I know it doesn't always feel like it. Regardless, this is good to think about. What do you think would happen if you did persevere? Are you avoiding something? Is there a part of you that wants to keep things incomplete? A part that secretly likes it?

I say this because I feel this way about my success. I know I can make it big, but a part of me is afraid of my own success. I would have that much more to lose. But to not go for it, well wouldn't I have already lost?

I also tooootally understand your struggle with finding your specialty. I am on that boat right now too. I've even used the same restaurant analogy too lol. This capitalistic society pressures us to pick one but we are so much more dimensional. Having too much to pick from is a good problem, but still all the more frustrating. I think riding the way is the best thing to do too. Why do I have to decide now? Can't I just let my heart show and guide me? I know you also want stability, but why throw away your interests? I don't think they are necessarily mutually exclusive. I think we can have our cake and eat it too.

Again, I think it's an asset. And I think you can get really good at more than one medium too. Lately I decided I want one of my main mediums to be metal working. But also machine knitting, jewelry, and print making. Also book making, and maybe also paper making. In the future, I wanna do glasswork and ceramics too. I want to do it all!

I've been thinking about what jobs I could apply for with my lack of specialty, but I realized my specialty is my intersection of passions and my niche is me. I could be a good leader, creative director, manager (something big picture) if I am familiar with all the moving parts. This is just what we interdisciplinary artists do!

PS. Obviously I'm not an expert, but some of the things you're describing sound like adhd behaviors. Could be worth looking into :P

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quietmyfearswith · 3 years

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the mission ; syverson x stucky x fem!reader

status — completed oneshot

word count — 4,350 words

warnings — SMUT, double penetration, triple penetration??? oral sex (giving and receiving), foursome, unprotected sex(dont do this), swear words, competition(ish)

pairing — syverson x stucky x fem!reader

a/n — DNI IF YOU ARE UNDER 18,, pretty self-indulgent so what about it,, wanted to post this as my first fic for 2021 so we can start the year with a bang but hey the year is still new so hope this counts,, feedback is appreciated

masterlist

“Tell me again, why are we meeting up with this person?” If you told people that there were times that Steve — Captain America as most of them are most familiar with — was egotistical enough to the point that he believed that intel from outsiders weren’t needed, they wouldn’t believe you unless they saw how he was currently. When the military told them that some of their men have discovered remnants of HYDRA, Steve was fine with that vague lead since he thought that they could take it from there. However, his pride took a hit when the military insisted that one of their men be sent over to the compound to assist them.

Y/N then scheduled for Captain Syverson to meet with Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes so they could discuss what the special operations captain saw. Sighing irritatedly, the assistant of the Avengers paused in the middle of the hallway so she could look the super soldier in the eye, “Look Captain, I know you think you can do this alone — you’ve proven to me and your fellow Avengers that you can — but the military and government believes that you need more hands on deck, okay?”

Crossing his arms, Steve opened his mouth to argue but opted not to, “Good, now behave okay? Bucky’s almost done training the recruits; so he’ll be joining us shortly.” As she walked away from where they stood, the captain bit his lip as he watched her ass and legs strut away in the green and white plaid dress that she was donning. Hearing her fingers snap together brought him back to reality and made him follow her steps.

“Captain Rogers, meet Captain Syverson from the military’s special operations,” Y/N introduced the two men to each other, who were visibly appalled at the thought of having to shake hands, but a stern look from the girl standing between them prompted the Texan captain to hold out his hand to which the Brooklyn captain shook briefly but with a tight grip before letting go. “We appreciate you coming here, Captain Syverson.”

His response surprised Y/N, but in a good way, and she smiled brightly at the simple interaction the two had. “You can call me Sy; only prefer being called Captain by those who are under me.” The wink he sent the only girl present in the room gave her the implication that there was a double entendre in his statement; whereas the enhanced super soldier caught on and was displeased with how he was hitting on Y/N.

Puffing out his chest and rested his hands on his belt buckle, “Well Sy, why don’t you share with us what it is you saw.” Nodding, Sy grabbed the folder he brought with him and handed it over to the Captain; Y/N was setting up the laptop and projector that was in the conference room. Steve skimmed through the files as Y/N displayed some of the satellite images that were taken. “Have you or any of your team members been inside the facility?”

Shaking his head no Sy explained, “We didn’t dare to. Though I had some soldiers stake out and in their week of monitoring they didn’t notice anyone come in or out.” Placing the folder on the desk, Steve instructed Y/N to show more of the pictures and she complied, “How come you didn’t get in and check it out? Isn’t that what a captain does?”

“Steve,” Y/N scolded him as she looked at him with a warning look but despite her piercing gaze he remained unfazed as he gave a challenging stare to the other captain — one which Sy wasn’t afraid of. “A captain’s duty is to lead his soldiers and make the right calls; it wasn’t our mission to look for the abandoned facility but we found it anyway. We just ensured that there wouldn’t be any criminals that we could possibly encounter that would interfere with our mission.”

The tension was thick in the air when Steve gulped down — not wanting to admit that Sy made a valid point. Striving to cut the tension in the room, Y/N stood up as she spoke, “Okay, great points. Should you plan to check the place out,” She was talking to Steve who was intently looking at her with a look he’s never given her before; she struggled to continue with her point with how intense his stare was, “Secretary Ross decided that it might be better for you to tag along,” Sy nodded as he was being talked to.

“Just me? Or would my men be included?” Sitting back down on her chair she browsed through some of the files she had prepared for their meeting as the two men watched her like a hawk, “They want you out on the field along with Steve and Bucky; but your other men can help behind the scenes.”

Displeased with the new information, Steve crossed his arms from where he was seated, “No, he is not joining us on the field,” He was now standing up, as if he was trying to assert his dominance and authority over the other captain who seemed undaunted as he stood tall. “Why the hell not?”

“Jesus Christ, stop it, the two of you!” Y/N held out her hands to create space between the two charging bodies, her hands landed on their pecs and she had to stop herself from enjoying the feel of their skin against her fingertips, “You both need to calm your asses down! I don't know what it is about each other that ticked you off but you guys are gonna have to work together. Now, why don’t we calm down and try to get along?”

Running a hand through his buzz cut hair, Sy was the first one to speak since he wanted to charm Y/N, “I’m really sorry about my behavior, love,” His larger hand reached for hers and placed a kiss on the back of her palm; Steve sharply looked at how affectionately the other captain gazed at the assistant who had been responsible for his orgams without her even knowing it, “I’m gonna be on my best from now on; especially when I work with the former soldiers.”

Having enough of what he said Steve made his way to the two of them, breaking off their clasped hands so he could hold Y/N’s, planting himself between the two he gruffly said, “You know what bothers me? Is the way you’re hitting on Y/N.” Sy could not hold back the smirk as he somewhat felt a sick pride rush over him seeing the infamous hero getting riled up because of him, “Don’t recall you being her boyfriend; so really I can flirt with her as much as I want.”

She doesn’t know why, but Y/N was extremely aroused with the way they discussed her as if she weren’t there. Ultimately it was the way they both battled for her really made her panties dampen. “Who would you rather fuck?” The blunt question had her jaw dropping in shock and disbelief; she always knew how Steve was direct to the point, but never expected him to be straightforward in a sexual context.

“I don’t know,” Her eyes darted back and forth from the two captains, “You’re both very attractive; but I never imagined both of you being attracted to me.” It was difficult for her to hide the faint traces of her insecurities which the two men were quick to pick up. Steve caressed her hand that he held as he sincerely cooed at her, “How can I not want you? And I’m not just talking about your divine body. Your patience in handling us is unlike any other. You’re extremely compassionate and kind. When I look at you I see a woman whose beauty on the outside matches the beauty within.”

The other hand that Sy held was being placed with a kiss that despite being gentle was contradicted with the rough sensations of his beard, “I’ve only known you for a while but I have to second the motion; you are a force to be reckoned with. While there are parts of you that clearly cannot be tamed and that your fire was meant to remained ablaze,” He hoped that she got his reference of her dangerous line of work and with the small nod she gave him affirmed so, “But you also have the tranquility that a mother possesses.”

A small smile broke out of Y/N’s face after their speeches; but the serene moment quickly faded when the super soldier brought her hand to his crotch, letting the wide-eyed girl feel the hard on that he frequently spotted around her. “This is just one of the other pieces of evidence I have about how great you are.” Walking up to stand beside Steve, Sy grabbed her other hand and pressed against his own staring erection as he smugly boasted, “But this is a bigger evidence of how much I appreciate you, sunshine.”

“I’m flattered,” Y/N nervously began as her eyes darted back and forth from the two large men, pulling away her hands from their hardened cock as she felt incredibly shy about the whole ordeal, but it wasn’t an answer that pleased either of them or answered Steve’s earlier question. “But the question is still left unanswered Y/N,” The blonde man to her right reminded her, “Who would you rather fuck?”

Gulping down her nervousness before answering, “Honestly? I want you both.” Even though she shyly confessed that, it was all the fuel both captains needed for their ego as they silently just had established a competition between themselves — get her to feel confident about herself as they both intend on making her so cum hard the only thing she’ll remember is their name. Steve brought a finger underneath her chin, lifting her gaze up to match his hooded eyes, “You’re beautiful, Y/N,” He affirmed to her before bringing their lips to touch gently. Eyes closing as the super soldier savored the feeling of her lips that he's been dreaming for so long; and his dreams couldn’t even compare to the feel and taste of her lips.

As their lips pulled away from the steamy kiss, Sy tore away her lips and planted his own lips against hers, “Absolutely stunning, one of a kind,” Were the words he spoke as their lips locked and tongues danced. Feeling his beard tickle her neck as his lips trailed down her jaw and neck, she giggled lightly and opened her eyes to view Steve whose eyes darkened — though she didn’t know that it was due to his lust and longing for her, as well as the jealousy due to the scene unfolding in front of him. Pulling away from the kiss, Sy then lifted her up to the table and sat her down. Without even speaking, he made his move to undress her — grabbing the cloth by her cleavage, ripping the dress in two to expose how she chose to forego a bra and was only wearing a poor excuse of panties; the Texas raised captain could only smirk as he went down on his knees while he slid her lace undergarment down her legs.

“What a devious little thing you are,” Her attention was shifted to the Brooklyn-raised captain as he spoke; she instinctively spread her legs which didn’t go unnoticed by Sy who smirked in appreciation before lunging forward to lick her through her panties — causing her to gasp out loud, rolling her eyes at the pleasure. Annoyed with how he was being undermined, Steve grabbed for Y/N’s cheeks and kissed her fervently, making him moan in bliss as the kiss exceeded his dreams and expectations. “This what you want? Want two men proving to you how goddamn beautiful you are?”

The question was rhetorical, but somehow she found herself whining as she nodded against his lips where their lips met for a heated kiss. Grinning at her state, Steve ended their kiss as his lips trailed down her chin and to her neck, searching for her sweet spot. Just as he sucked on the skin below her jaw, she tried to squeeze her legs together to alleviate the arousal she was feeling — but it only made Sy smirk and encourage him to push aside her panty and directly get a taste of her.

“I’m gonna taste this pretty pussy okay? Why don’t you show Steve over here what that pretty mouth can do besides ending tension okay?” With a shaky sigh, she nodded as her eyes watched as Steve got on the table, kneeling beside her, all while he undid his belt and pulled the zipper down to free his cock. “I’ve been fantasizing about what that mouth would feel like ever since you joined,” His filthy confession made her bring her thighs together again to relieve her of the ache she felt; but all it did was make her feel again the trimmed hair of Sy who was placing gentle kitten licks on her pussy, “And now I’ll find out if you’re as any good like I thought you would be,” Served as his final warning before kneeling on the table by her head and feeding his cock to her waiting mouth.

Groans were heard from the two captains but for similarly different reasons; Steve loved how his cock slid down her throat easily without gagging, and her hollowed cheeks and expert tongue providing him pleasure but it was also the way her one hand was sliding from his balls to the base of his cock that almost made him cum. Whereas Sy couldn’t get enough of how sweet her juices were; he was sliding two fingers in and out of her, and everytime he pushed them right back it became harder for him to do so with how her walls were resisting them — it made him think about how her walls would resist his cock. “You like this don’t you? Like being used for our pleasure?”

A pathetic whine was all that she could let out seeing as her mouth was preoccupied with Steve’s cock was prohibiting her from speaking clearly. “You’re too invested that you can’t even remove my cock from your mouth to answer properly,” Feeling her nod against his cock just added to the bliss he felt. Shaking his head as he licked her cunt and fingered her pussy, Sy loved it when her thighs were rubbing hard against his beard and some of her juices were sticking to his facial hair.

Y/N was surprised when Steve pulled his cock of her mouth, “Not yet baby, I’m not cumming in your mouth just yet.” With his lips still pressed tightly against her pussy lips, Sy smirked at him, “Or maybe you just can’t cum at all.” That statement reminded both men that even though they intended to make her feel how beautiful she was, they were still competing for her. Sitting up with the support of her elbows, Y/N watched closely as Steve grabbed Sy by the shirt, dragging him away from her pussy, resulting in him sitting up on the floor on his bum. He planted himself on one of the conference chairs and once settled, grabbed Y/N’s hips so she was straddling hovering his cock, “It’s because I’d rather cum inside her pussy.”

With one hand on her hip, the other one guided his cock in her tight canal easily. “Oh fuck, you’re so big,” She moaned as she rested her hands on his shoulders as she rode him slowly, getting used to his size. Calloused hands were on her ass as Steve guided the pace in which they were fucking. His lips were pressing firmly against her breasts, leaving his traes of desire on them. As her eyes were closed in pleasure, she didn’t see how Sy was freeing himself from the restrains of his pants; after doing so he stood up from the floor and sat down on the conference table.

“You’re gonna suck my cock while you ride his dick; so turn around,” It took a while before she did so, but Y/N had to push Steve’s face gently from where his mouth had been enveloping her nipple. She turned around to face Sy who was stroking his cock with hunger on his eyes; moving her hair from her face, she rested her hands on the knees of the man in front of her before lowering her lips to wrap it around the tip of his cock. “That’s a good girl,” He sighed out in pleasure, one hand finding purchase on her hair.

Jealous at the thought of having to share her or her attention, Steve kicked off the chair he was sitting on and stood on his feet and helped Y/N to do the same. With her bent over, the super soldier grabbed for her hips and rammed in and out of her pussy with short and rapid thrusts. Sy allowed her to take control of how she wanted to suck him, but he couldn’t help himself as he thrusted his cock in her mouth a few times, relishing in the moans she let out when he did so. “See what you do to us?” Steve asked as he felt his tip graze her sensitive spot, feeling her thighs shiver leaving him to hold both thighs in his hands.

“You make us feral,” Sy continued his train of thought as his hand added pressure on the nape of your neck, making you take him deeper, “You’re so goddamn beautiful that you make us lose all logic.” It was amazing to him how her tiny throat could accommodate all of him, and the way her nails dug into his thighs only added to his pleasure.

Bucky had just finished his training session with the recruits and was dying to get to his room to shower off the filth and sweat. Before getting to do that he first had to meet with a captain that was said to have intel about HYDRA; so imagine his surprise when he enters the conference room and sees three people fucking and not discussing mission details.

A man with a buzz cut — he inferred that was Sy — was sitting on the desk with his head thrown back in bliss as he was being given a blowjob by Y/N — the Avengers’ secretary whom he had been fantasizing about — while she in turn was being fucked in the pussy by Steve. “Well if I knew the meeting would look like this I would’ve ended the training session.”

Steve just smirked at his best friend who was leaning against the wall, “This is Sy,” He nodded to the man sitting at the desk who waved with his free hand from Y/N’s hair. Approaching the three of them Bucky inquired, “She any good at sucking cock?”

“The best; gag reflex is practically non-existent,” Steve recalled as he was now rubbing her clit, loving the way she was squirming against his body. Her hands were settled on Sy’s thighs, anchoring herself and leaving nail marks on his skin. “Her throat is tight but I doubt it’s tighter than her pussy.”

Bucky grabbed her hair to stop her from sucking on Sy’s cock, “Never pegged you to be a willing cumdump; you just needed a lot of cocks to fulfill you huh?” Despite her face having a mixture of saliva and the precum of both captains, she bashfully smiled at the sergeant. Stroking her cheek gently, the Texan captain demanded a verbal answer, “If he asks you a question you are expected to answer, beautiful.” Feeling the force of Steve’s harsh thrust, she managed to let out a choked out response, “Yes! I need a lot of cocks to satisfy me.”

Halting his assault on her pussy, Steve slid his cock out of her, “I’m gonna fuck her ass, Sy you get her pussy, Buck you start with her mouth first.” When Sy pulled her off his cock, Y/N was able to gulp nervously at the thought of taking all them at once; however she wasn’t given enough time to react to it as Sy was dragging her to ride him as he sat at a chair. Carefully, he helped her descent on his cock as the man groaned against her neck when he felt how her warm and wet she was, “Did the captain really fuck you, beautiful? You’re still so fucking tight.”

“I did, and I fucked her good,” Steve asserted as he lined his cock up behind her other hole, “That’s just another reason why you’re beautiful, doll. You’re just so fucking tight no matter how fucked you are,” And to emphasize his point, he slide his tip inside her ass and stilled upon feeling her walls constricting around him. “Goddamn, doll,” Steve breathed out as he shoved more of his cock inside her, his whole cock now shoved deep in her ass.

Her mouth hung agape as she felt two cocks having a go in her — loving the way she was never fully empty since when one thrust out, another slammed right back in. Taking advantage of her opened mouth, Bucky stood by the side of the chair and presented his cock to her, “Take it all in princess.” Like an obedient girl, she did wrap her lips around the ridge of his cock and began sucking on it as best she could.

“See what you do, doll? You make us go ravenous for you,” Steve emphasized his point as he mercilessly thrusts in and out of her ass despite her walls clinging to him, begging him to ease down. Agreeing with the captain, Sy sucked on her nipple harder as he thrusted sharply on her pussy, “Make us want to shower you with cum to prove how divine you are.”

Stroking her face gently contradicted how ruthless Bucky treated her mouth as his balls were slapping her chin repeatedly — allowing some of her drool and his precum to fall graceless from her mouth — before adding, “Only a pretty girl like you can make three soldiers fall apart.”

And fall apart was exactly what was bound to happen as Steve planted his hands on her hips so he could gain enough leverage to fuck her ass relentlessly, until his balls slammed against the rim of her opening, until he felt himself come undone with one final thrust all the way inside her. “Fucking hell,” He panted out against her back as he felt himself unload almost a year of desire inside her.

With much reluctance, Steve pulled out of her ass and rested against the conference table to catch his breath and recover. This then allowed Sy to knead his hands into the skin of her ass so he could move her up and down his cock, chasing his own impending orgasm. “Cum with me, beautiful,” He harshly demanded against her skin as moved her in time with his thrusts, “Let me feel you fall apart and come on my cock.” And to prove how badly he wanted — no, needed — to feel her hug his cock even tighter as she spasmed in pleasure — her to cum, he slid in and out of her at a rapid pace until she was clawing at his chest and he felt her body tense up then relax as she coated his cock with cum.

Moaning out at the relief of her release, Bucky enjoyed the added vibrations on his cock — adding to the pleasure as her tongue licked and swirled around the underside of his cock — while watching her ride out her orgasm. It wasn’t long before Sy too stilled his movements so he could release his seed in her. “Fuck so good!” He yelled out as he stayed inside her, relishing the feel of their combined juices. Seeing how her mouth went slack and her lips weren’t sucking on his cock anymore, the sergeant pulled out and stroked his cock as he rubbed the tip of his cock against her nipple. Shivering at the sensation, she stared at him with doe eyes as her dainty hands wrapped around the base of his cock and his balls, “Cum for me, Bucky.” It was the way she sultrily whispered it that made him throw his head back and moan as he covered her gorgeous tits with his cum.

Loving the way her breasts were marked with his cum, she tried to milk more out of the super soldier by rubbing the tip of his cock with her thumb as the other hand fondled his balls gently. “You’re one special girl,” Steve spoke as he watched intently the scene in front of him. Smiling at the praise, Y/N stopped stroking Bucky’s cock when she milked him already. After leaning down to press a chaste, sweet kiss on Sy’s lips, she removed his cock from where it was deeply planted on her — with a moan falling from her lips — before standing up and heading to where Steve was in order to do the same.

“Thank you for proving how beautiful I am,” She sweetly thanked them once she pulled away from the kiss. “Now hold on,” Bucky spoke as he made his way to stand beside Y/N, “I think you’re gonna need more proof of how beautiful you are.”

Catching his drift, Sy sat up straighter in the chair before agreeing, “Exactly, and we might need to give you individually are our own reasons.” She held her breath once more as she felt Steve pepper kisses on her shoulder, “Think you can handle us individually, doll?”

Desperately, she nodded as she enjoyed the feel of his lips kissing her skin. With two fingers grabbing onto her chin, Bucky made her face him, “Good, ‘cause I haven’t been inside that lovely pussy and ass of yours. Oh, and I got a long list of what makes you fucking beautiful.”

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brightokyolights · 4 years

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I just saw your tags on the "harry was oppressed" post. Might elaborate on that when you are not tired? How Zayn was oppressed? His relationship to ot4. Other celebrities? I love your thoughts!

*cracks knuckles* buckle your seat belts folks we’re in for a wild ride here lmao.

also for context *here* is the post this anon is referring to

I think to start off i should just make a little disclaimer, everything i am going to discuss will be based in my biases probably seeing as I am also a brown British Pakistani person who is Muslim. Zayn has been someone that especially when i was younger I looked up to and was very essential in my journey of learning to love and accept myself and my culture tbh. It’s cheesy as hell but it’s true and i think this is important to know before I go into this more because like I said i am definitely biased towards him. Another thing is that I’m just going to be discussing my personal opinions and also my memory is not very good so i will probably miss out a lot of other things that happened/could be discussed. please dont take this as anything more than just. my opinion.

A thing that really opened my eyes to racism and especially the racism in the 1d fandom was the day that zayn left. I dont think thats what the post above was about btw and ill go into that but i kind of just want to talk about this. The day he left was. a severe mess. Not only because it was obviously upsetting but because of all the bs that people were spouting about a situation that absolutely no one had any context on. the statement that was released on facebook gave us nothing. literally just stated that zayn was leaving the band and the accusations and hatred people were directing towards zayn when we didnt know what actually fucking happened (and still dont might i add) was disgusting. people accusing him of being selfish and how they hated him and why he had to ruin everything. Accusing him of using mental illness as an excuse and lying about it and so much more. i had unfollow more than half of the people i followed that day. it really opened my eyes to the fact that these were all thoughts and opinions people had underneath it all and zayn was fine as long as he was part of 1d and giving people what they wanted. which was essentially being the token in the group and once he wasnt providing that anymore? people turned and people turned fast.

i think its also important to point out the flip side of it and that was zayn stans saying that 1d were nothing without 1d etc. i want to talk about why this was different from ot4 stans hating zayn. of course it wasnt nice to see or hear EVERYONE arguing with each other. i hated it so much. but i think what people failed to realise was that when it comes to situations like this you need to look deeper and think about all the nuances of the situation. zayn stans being happy about zayn leaving the band and saying 1d was going to die i did not agree with. anyone who knew me then and knows me now knows that i am a 1d stan regardless (preferably ot5 but i supported 1d until the end even as a 4some) BUT these opinions were rooted in his mistreatment in the band and the racism he was having to face as a result of being in the band etc etc i apologise for not being a person who can better describe and explain this situation but hopefully you are getting the picture. when fans were hating on zayn. with no context with nothing. that was based on racism. point blank. the amount of tweets FROM 1D FANS talking about how he was leaving to join isis and how upset fans were gonna be vulnerable and join etc etc all this deplorable bs. and he had to deal with comments like that throughout his whole time with one direction and i imagine even now.

Another thing id like to talk about is who zayn stans at least from my point of view usually were. For me i remember when i first got into the fandom i actively made the decision that i didnt want zayn to be my favourite because i didnt want to be a stereotype and this was a point in my life when i still tried to shun and push my culture down because i was ashamed of it. it was only as i slowly saw that zayn was considered as cool and hot and everyone else liked him that i kind of understood that maybe. being brown was alright and it was something cool and that maybe i was cool. it sounds fucked up and honestly i dont even know if i want to be admitting this so adamantly but argh if it helps someone understand then maybe its worth it. (mortifying ordeal of being known eh?) anyways i noticed as i engaged more in fandom and looked for more diversity, more fans like me, majority of non white fans were also... zayn stans. and honestly it makes sense because we all tended to flock towards the closest diversity we could find it seems. im not saying that there werent white zayn stans and that the other boys didnt have non white stans but i just wanted to point out this trend. so when you also take this into account and the fact that on the day zayn left it was majorly... white stans who were criticizing zayn it puts it in perspective for you. majority of fans who still like and support zayn are also not white.

there is a lot more to do with fans but hopefully thats enough of an insight and you can understand the kind of vibes that were present during 1ds prime and what not only zayn had to go through but also as a result the racism we ended up having to deal with as well tbh.

now!!!... something i dont really like talking about lol so this will probably be short but the other boys. so as far as i can remember liams always been kind to zayn since hes left (no surprise there <3 also please correct me if im wrong), niall was kind of indifferent/didnt say anything really, and then there was louis and harry *awkward smile*. hahaha. from my memory i remember when asked about what the most difficult thing was about zayn leaving harry said ‘the paperwork’ which was *awkward smile* and he also kicked that monkey mask/pinata? i cant remember with naughty boys face on it and honestly im sure theres more but his overall reaction to zayn leaving was kind of not caring and maybe being slightly nasty which :) with louis there was the massive twitter fight which literally tears my soul in half so lets not go into that haha and honestly other things where it maybe seemed like he was upset with zayn leaving as well. honestly i am a bit in two minds about these reactions because at the end of the day we dont know what occurred behind the scenes and we probably never will as much as we can speculate or whatever. not to mention that this 10th anniversary it seems maybe everyones on good terms which, who knows really im going to try be optimistic. i think whats important to note about heir reactions is that we dont know anything about their situations but the problem was really how fans reacted tbh (btw i forgot to mention earlier this is about basically everything except for harry and the nb thing. that is inexcusable). the boys reactions were understandable but the problem is that fans of course vicariously are influenced by the boy they stan so when one of them acted a certain way of course that ended up reflecting in fandom and resulted in more racism etc.

another thing with zayn was that there were many files leaked with like promo or whatever basically describing what kind of role the boys would take on/ their image etc. and of course all the other boys got things like bubbly/funny/charming etc and zayns descriptors? moody, mysterious, dark horse etc etc like from the inception of 1d zayn has been victim to racist stereotypes being pushed on him. and i think this is where harry comes in because of course the image pushed onto him was also extremely harmful and i definitely dont think we should not talk about that but often you'll see that... thats all that is talked about because people are uncomfortable admitting racism and talking about it.

When i mentioned other celebrities my point was basically just that while ive only talked about zayn in one direction this... is so present among any and every fandom. 5sos, Little Mix, Fifth Harmony... any fandom you can think of, i promise you it is there. racism in fandom is a real thing and a big problem and honestly this is why i always say representation is so important. and when i say that i mean everywhere!!! because if I didnt seek out non white fans to follow then maybe i would’ve had a completely different perspective on all of this.

The thing is also that a lot of this is just stuff that we’ve been able to get our hands on and also fan analysis and theories etc. there is probably so much more to talk bout or go into or stuff we’ll never even know about. I’ve kind of had to make peace with the fact that with celebrities you just really don’t actually know anything about them.

I think i’ll end this here if there’s any more questions you have about anything feel free to ask! and again this is all just my opinion but hopefully i’ve been able to help answer you <3 have a nice day and i hope youre hydrated!!!

#ask #anon #1d #zayn #long post #i also have links to posts for proof of how zayn was treated on the last day if youd like but i thought id simplify #and just talk about what i though #there really is so much more that can be said

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low-budget-korra · 5 years

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Coments about The Last Airbender and Legend of Korra

and just a quick review of The Last Airbender

It had been a while since I had been taking a few days just to re-watch this show and it was great.

I will never understand why they thought it would be a good idea to make Aang and Katara Endgame as they even joke about her seeming more like a sister to him than a love interest in episode 17 of book 3.

By the way this episode is cool because it has the confrontation between who we are and the image we transmit to the world.

Toph has always been one of the favorite characters. Honestly what they did to her is something to applaud, what could be considered a weakness is actually her greatest power.

And it's so hard to find tv shows and films that address disability in such a natural and inclusive way, Toph is best earthbender because of it.

I know, I'm not blind, so I can't and shouldn't speak for them, but that's just a thought of mine.

Katara is literally the mother of the group and this makes sense since she lost her mother very early in her life and possibly felt that she needed to take the responsibility. And also she is an extremely powerful bender.

Sokka is the brains of the team. You can look at him and think he's the weakest in the group because he's a nonbender. But no, he's amazing. And he and Suki make a very cute couple of very powerful nonbenders.

I love Zuko, he has one of the best character development I have ever seen and he is also a very powerful bender but honestly he only had a chance against Azula in the Agni Kai because she has already lost her mind at that time.

By the way, Azula is one of those characters that I can only look at and think "Dude you need therapy". I can't feel "happy" when she's defeated, just sad.

A girl with only 14years breaking like that is just sad.

I know, she had theoretically the same creation as Zuko but Zuko had his mother and she didn't even have that.

Azula was raised, at least as I understand it, by her father and the 2 elderly women there, both of whom demanded a perfection simply impossible to achieve.

She already lost her mother and we saw how it affects her and after she lost her friends, and after her father left her behind… she just break.

It's sad.

And The Last Airbender succeeded in something where Game of Thrones and Avengers Endgame failed and did not live up to the hype, respectively.

From the beginning we know that Aang has a destiny to defeat the fire lord and this is built during the three seasons. Of course the hype for the grand finale is huge and when the hype reaches a certain level is dangerous because many productions cant do something to live up to the hype. And The Last Airbender has made it one of the best series finale ever not only because they live up to the hype but cuz they exceed it.

If It had fanservice, it was so well inserted in the plot that I honestly didn't notice. This is particularly is my problem with Avengers Endgame, very unnecessary and badly executed fanservice.

Now reviewing TLA I got in touch again with some older thoughts of mine.

First of all, how i miss the feel like now i miss those filler's episodes on TLOK. Now I can clearly see that the lack of filler episodes was very detrimental not only to characters like Mako, Bolin and Asami but also to Korra herself. I'd love to see Korra deal with a more "local" problem and not always something that was threatening the fate of the world. In fact, she even had moments like this, of her facing ordinary bad guys and preventing a guy from jumping off the bridge.

And second, the world is completely different in almost every aspect.

TLA the world is old, full of philosophy and myths and a certain magic. A world of war. And in TLOK it's a modern, realistic and "peace" world

Aang was an avatar who in a very short time had to learn a lot. He had to grow really fast and take on a responsibility he never wanted. It was wonderful to relive the journey of that boy in the iceberg who became a wise avatar.

Despite the war, in TLA the protagonists and the Avatar have a lot of freedom and their help is most often welcomed. In TLOK everything is really difficult and full of rules, for example, Korra is arrested in the first episode for defeating some bad guys.

I think this is what makes some people prefer The Last Airbender over The Legend of Korra.

Not to mention that when Korra says she is the avatar, many and even Lin Beifong have a totally indifferent stance as if it were not important. While Aang was seen as the hope for better days.

Another point is the bendings. A lot of people say the TLA bending were stronger, I don't agree. I think it's just a matter of context, in TLA the benders had to exceed their abilities because it was a world at war and if they weren't the best it would mean they wouldn't come home.

In TLOK bending is a sport , instrument of work and martial art. After all the world is in "peace" so why train for war?

I think we see the difference in fighting styles when Korra enters the pro-bending, after all the pro-bending is kinda like MMA, when most of it what counts is not the beauty of the execution of the forms but the efficiency and speed of the blows and these dont have to be much powerfull cuz they not there to "kill or be killed", its Just a sport.

The sad thing is to see how the White Lotus has decayed and become just a kind of elite bodyguard. But it is understandable that just like the Avatar and after the great masters were gone, their role in the world was reduced by thinking they were no longer needed.

There were some things here and there that I didn't like aboute The Legend Of Korra or at the time I first saw I didn't get it right. Be it the giant fight at the end of book 2, argh, I hated that. And at the end of book 1, although I was always thrilled , back in the day, I didn't understand Aang appearing out of nowhere. But what he says explains exactly why he is there.

As I understand it, Amon uses bloodbending to disable the benders. But Only the Avatar has the power to take or bring back someone’s bend forever, because only the Avatar has the spiritual power to do so. And there when Korra was crying at that cliff, I think she thinks of killing herself but now I also think that there she may have accepted her fate and by accepting that she was now just an airbender, by accepting the lowest point of her life until then, she can open herself and enter into an avatar state. I think the creators just found a nice and cool way to show it instead of showing Korra there crying and out of nowhere start to "fly" and bend the elements. The avatars showing up was something in her head. It may be kind of obvious, but there are people who say it's not and the scene doesn't make sense

Remember when Tenzin later says, "True wisdom begins when we begin to accept things as they are."

In book 2, Aang tells Tenzin something that also fits Korra and The Last Airbender fanboys "... You're not me, and you shouldn't be me ..."

The ironic thing is that Korra would have been the perfect avatar in TLA, with her combative spirit. And Aang would have been the perfect avatar on TLOK, with his patience and diplomacy.

But they had to adapt. Aang had to be more like Korra and Korra had to be more like Aang.

Two sides of the same coin. They kinda like complete each other.

That's why i dont think it would be another avatar series with a avatar from Earth Kingdom. I mean, is like it's as if the cycle has already been closed.

But It Will be fun see some avatar dealing with the internet.

#avatar #avatar the legend of korra #avatar the last airbender #the last airbender #the legend of korra #avatar aang #avatar korra #Korrasami #azula #zuko #katara #sooka #Suki #toph beifong #lin beifong

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alicezan-ncgred · 5 years

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Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

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distress · 4 years

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i have had a lot of crazy vivid and . detailed dreams lately and i know no one cares but i wanna record them bc i forget them so quickly but . i already forgot a really detailed one from a few nights ago. excuse my typing im on a new keyboard and dont feel like correcting all my typos

two nights ago i dreamt i was in oregon but going to visit florida bc in my dream i was going because i was in online grad school, and i figured i should go to florida to attend th e grad ceremony, which was may 5th in my dream, my actual college graduation date. so i went for two weeks . apparently i had a home there and it was pink with blue window frames and i lived with three roommates, three scrawny girls who dont actually exist and own 3-4 dogs. for some reason i took my cat to florida. martin came with me and got me adjusted, and we rode in the car with my ex michael and at some point they got out to do something and i saw them talking to each other. they came back in the car, martin in the front seat and my ex in the back. i asked “what were yall talking about” and michael said “he said if i try to sleep with you he’ll kill me” . i was like oh,, thats not like him but i get it i guess.

my house was close to the grad ceremony, almost a block away, it was similar to the layout of my elementary school. at some point i texted my friend charlotte that hey, im in florida. i realise its suddent but id like if we could hang at least once. and she said why are you here? and i said just because, no trauma like last time lmao can you hang? im here til may 5 and she said well im busy 3-6th and i was like ok but what about the days preceding and she wouldn’t give me a clear answer

eventually i was at my grad ceremony and then an after party and charlotte was there, but so were a lot of people. we were sitting in a circle. looking back, it was a lot like the first “party” i went to before i was even friends with her and her friends etc . in a dorm we all sat in a circle. but we walked home together and on the way home i told her hey, you wouldnt tell me if you were free to hang any other day. eventually i told her she was being a huge bitch and bad friend. she gto really defensive. i went back to my house. i realized i brought my cat and hadnt let him out for forever, he probably shit all over. so i rushed home and michael was around and my roommates let their dogs out when i let my cat out and it was a disaster.

at some dumb point my ex told me his real name was austin which was weird ( and not real lol) but i adjusted to calling him that really quickly. eventually we were in a bath tub together and i was really aware that i was cheating on martin. i dream a lot of cheating on him recently, honestly. its. expected i guess but weird. because until a month or so ago i constantly dreamt he was cheating on me.

we sat in the bath and some guy came in and was like, hey. and i was like uh? im naked? and he said can i stay and i said yes. and he got in the tub too.

i left

back to my pink and blue house and suddenly was overwhelmed with this feeling that i , althought i was “visiting” had to move, and suddenly i had so many things at th e house. there was this. ferris wheel of items. dishes. and i would turn it. it was in the wall and if i turned it too fast all the dishes would break. and i started freaking out over how much i had to move. so much to move.

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my next dream started with me and my parents trying to go to silver falls. we drove and drove but we got to a certain point and it was flooded as all hell

-- typing that reminded me of my dream before, that was the ssecond time in three days i dreamt of a flood

i dreamt . the past three nights ive dreamt of cheating on my boyfriend

i dreamt i was at the mall with my hs best friend , and her mom who hated me for no fucking reason. in salem. with our dogs. the mall was closed. i fought them on what we would do a lot to get my dog home, daisy, who died in 2014, a big black german shepherd. something happened with my brother driving my dog home. somehow i ended up sleeping in my car across the street from the salem downtown mall, and i slept through a huge storm that caused catastrophic flooding. i woke up and got out of the car and walked around for a tad, and a flash flood rushed through and i hid behind a wall clinging onto it while giant floods rushed by. i ended up in a tree until my brother came by with some people. a guy, who doesnt exist other than in my dream, who i like, and some other asshole who... we got seperated, and the asshole kept insukting me and telling me i was the worst . while we crawled through some ceiling trying to getto a safer place, getting separated from my brother and the guy i loved . eventually, the guy was so mean to me too. he tried to hit on me and manipulate me later aftter being mean and i said why would i treat you well when youve been so bad to me.

back to the other flood with my parents. we were trying to go hike. but a flood. i got out and there was a baby moose nearby. i freaked out-- the parent is close and she will fuck us up. i screamed at my parents to get in the car and i could see the mother moose running toward us while i tried to slam all the doors shut.

then it shifted to another dream. i dont remember the context but i know it was uncharted -esque being shot at. i was with a girl named atria who i had a crush on in college and i kissed her. and i kissed someone else. i remember kissing so many people and knowing i was cheating on my bf every time,and . thats basically it

and its weird, because typing these dreams out ive recalled a good handful of other dreams in their weirdly vague details. i cant even explain them because i basically just remember extremely detailed images-- driving up an extremely steeep hill to get to a spring with a weird dam, driving through tons of fields in the hills seeing huge houses, a giant fun factory esque playground, driving down pine street but somehow feeling i was in salem still, ....,, screams. dreams fuck me up so much. i love having vivid dreams but its so strange to remember scenarios from dreams from years ago that are so wildly fantastical and have nothing to do with that imagery.

#dream #ref

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