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pathos-logical · 5 years

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One Picture, a Thousand Words

Roman is a wonder that cannot be put to words, Logan a marvel that ink cannot capture. They try anyway.

Hoo, this sure was a labor of love! Love because I love @bleepblopbloop56 with all my heart and labor because HOLY HECK WAS THIS HARD TO WRITE. But never mind any of that, because HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my friend!!! I absolutely adore you, and I hope your year is as fantastic as you are!!!

Trigger warnings: Food mention; a joking mention of hallucinations. I think that’s it, but please tell me if I need to add something!!

There are a thousand words Logan could use to describe Roman. He would pull a Shakespeare and invent a thousand more if it meant finding a word that could accurately chronicle the tapestry of Roman, all colorful patches and carefully stitched seams. But Logan is no artist, and his words seem an inadequate medium.

Beautiful, he thinks and immediately discards. That is too obvious, the truth of it plain to see. Lovely is- better. More intimate. But too soft, perhaps, for Roman’s flame-edged hair, the bronze of his skin and the steel in his spine.

He has tried countless words, none of them quite right. Larger-than-life. (And no, his charisma and magnetic smile absolutely did not excuse the way he didn’t seem to know how to shut up.) Captivating. (Roman did have a way with words, when he wasn’t being an idiot.) Extraordinary. (He was quite the artist and actor.) Brilliant. (Again, Roman was rather intelligent when it came down to it.) Perfect. (Technically impossible. But.)

All those words he longs to say, not one spoken aloud.

(Or- once. Alone in his room, he had tried the shape of mine on his mouth, thought about how it tasted on his lips and imagined the look in Roman’s eyes if he ever dared to say it in front of him. Once, and never again.)

Oh, he wishes. But Logan has always been better with words on the page than to other people.

Well, he thinks, looking down at the piece of paper in his hands, I suppose that’s what this is for. His eyes rove over the paper, skimming over phrases without really taking them in. If he reads it he’ll try to fix it, and at this point there’s too much of his heart in the words for him to change them.

He looks at the last paragraph. It’s the kind of declaration he sneers at in the romance novels Roman so adores, the kind of thing he would’ve sneered at barely years ago. But Roman always did have a way of making him question things he’d taken for postulates- himself included.

I tried, over the course of this letter, to pin down what exactly about you has drawn me so irrevocably into your orbit and left me floundering in unfamiliar space. However, as the length of this might indicate, I soon discovered that I could not.

You know me. It is very rare that I find myself lost for words. But I find myself unable to find the correct words to describe you, or even the correct words. Not because I have run out of things to say, or even because you have left me speechless, but because I could use a whole dictionary of love letters and fail to find the words that capture the way your eyes shine in the light when you laugh at your own jokes, and all the cliches in the world cannot express how I feel about every mundane, breathtaking thing about you.

But despite all that, I have three words for you, Roman, and I suppose there is no better day to deliver them than today (as of the day you receive this, at least).

I love you.

Roman has a sketchbook no one but him has ever seen.

The drawings are all in pencil, and Roman aches to paint them, to mix his colors until he finds shades that will truly bring them to life. But Logan is a peculiar kind of monochrome, with his navy hair and black polo shirts and countless blue ties, and Roman fears that no amount of paint could do that justice.

It’s undeniable that the warm brown of Logan’s eyes is a color he itches to find in a colored pencil, that the almond of his skin is one he longs to see redden at his touch. But those aren’t the things he really wants to capture when he puts pencil to paper anyway. No, when he draws Logan, his focus is on the subtle gleam that comes to his eyes when he speaks about something he’s passionate about, the curl of his lips when his emotionless facade breaks at some stupid comment Roman made.

Roman wishes he could show Logan the notebook, sometimes, the days when his longing overpowers his surety in the fact that it could never be reciprocated. He imagines coffee-colored eyes looking through the pages with delight, taking in the devotion clear in the meticulous lines. He pictures the hands he’s spent hours perfecting skimming over paper, taking care not to smudge the lead.

(He sees disgust settling in the curve of Logan’s lips and rejection showing in the set of his shoulders, and he pushes away the thought and hides his notebook under his pillow, pretends that he hasn’t memorized the shape of Logan’s smile.)

But he doesn’t think of any of that today. It’s Valentine’s Day, and Roman is dressed for it. He dons his armor that he definitely did not spend a whole two hours deliberating on and sets out the door armed with a kind of desperate false bravado, which is immediately undermined by how he jumps at his roommate Patton’s encouraging “go get ‘im, tiger!” shouted through the walls.

Still scowling at the door behind him, Roman briefly debates how desperate a text will make him sound before deciding, screw it.

Hey, we still on for lunch at Cream of the Cup?

The reply is prompt, as always, and Roman makes a futile attempt at smothering the smile he knows is blossoming across his lips.

>> Of course.

I’ll see you then!

Roman can so do this.

Virgil I can’t do this

>> why not?? youve been planning this for weeks, youll bbe fine

actually, knowing you, orobably months

Jfkdkfkfkfk

it’s

LOGAN

>> im aware, weve only veen best friends for years now

…

if yoy send a long rambling text ahout how wonderful logan is and how you dont deserve hkm im gonna lose it

roman i swear to god

HE’S JUST SO SMART AND AMAZING AND I’M JUST ME I DON’T DESERVE HIM AND WHAT IF I SCREW THINGS UP BETWEEN US FOREVER AND HE HATES ME OR WHAT IF IT’S AWKWARD I’M OKAY WITH JUST BEING FRIENDS REALLY HE PROBABLY DOESN’T EVEN LIKE ME THAT WAY ANYWAY I MEAN WHY WOULD HE

Whoops sorry

>> youre not

I’m not

But

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

>> okay roman, listen up, because I’m only gonna say this once.

first of all, cut it with the self-deprecating crap. one, that’s my thing. and two, I WILL pull a patton and fight you.

stop doubting yourself, it doesn’t suit you

I might not have known you as long as I’ve known logan, but I know

I can see you typing. shut up.

maybe I haven’t known you as long as I’ve known Logan, but I do know you’re a good guy, and you /clearly/ love him

KSKFKFKKFKGD W H A T

>> yes, everyone knows, no, Logan does not, LET ME FINISH

it means a LOT to him that you actually read the articles he sends you about mars rovers at 3 am and that you don’t tell him he’s annoying for infodumping about alpha centauri or whatever star system he’s planning to go to and that you deal with his hypocrisy about sleep schedules and his general inability to do emotions

also, knowing him for years means I know his type, and trust me, you’re it

and even if by some miracle he doesn’t like you back, you guys are too close to ruin your friendship. okay? so however this ends, I promise you’ll still be friends

>> But

ROMAN

listen, you don’t tune him out when he starts babbling, and he does the same for you. he loves listening to your rants about art theory, he goes to every single one of your shows, and he started learning Spanish just to impress you. yes, he’s learned more phrases than just insults, he’s just been hiding it so he can surprise (aka impress) you later

and roman? he really really does value your friendship. you know that we’ve known each other since forever, so you know I mean it when I say that I’ve NEVER seen him get so close to someone this quickly.

and… you’ve been good for him too, okay? he’s not really the type to get lonely, but that’s just because he gets so tied up in his giant brain he forgets there are people in the outside world to talk to. but it really is important to him that you’re always there for him, and… I can tell you right now that he’s told me how much he appreciates you for it

after all that? I’d say he loves you too, dude. go for it.

you can talk now

Holy heck you DO love me

>> eh

Holy HECK

Wait

Did you turn on autocorrect just to yell at me???

>> Only for you, babe.

Please never do that again

yeaj that was oncredibly unconfortable

now GO GET YOUR MAN

Roman, for all his theatrics about love at first sight and true love’s kiss, hadn’t mentioned Valentine’s Day plans once in the weeks leading up to it. Then, exactly one week ago, he’d texted Logan with a simple request to meet up at a nearby cafe. Logan knew him too well to miss the possible connotations of such an invitation. But it was entirely possible that this was merely meant to be an outing between two friends. A platonic outing.

A platonic outing where there was barely room to stand, forget sit. Logan curses under his breath. He’d decided for once to not show up fifteen minutes early, as that would only give him more time to second-guess himself, especially as Roman was notorious for being chronically late. But he had failed to account for the obvious fact that, it being both a Saturday and Valentine’s Day, the usually quiet cafe is filled to the brim with couples ordering the heart-themed specials and kissing and generally clogging the air with sweet words and PDA. And no, Logan is not irrationally annoyed about this, he’s just worried he won’t be able to secure an empty table for him and Roman.

But just as the thought crosses his mind, he catches a familiar head of fiery hair at a table against the wall, bent over his phone and apparently completely absorbed by whatever he was looking at. An incredulous “Roman?” slips from his lips unbidden, because- well, Roman had once nearly been late to the first show he was the lead in. But there he was, reserving a table at exactly 12:30 with a croissant in front of him. Maybe today really was a day for miracles.

He watches with amusement as Roman jumps and looks up at the sound of his name. His face lights up as soon as he registers who it is, and Logan abruptly goes from amused to filled with some kind of fluttery warmth he doesn’t want to quantify.

“Logan!” Roman exclaims, hurriedly tucking his phone away. “Hey! How are you?” His smile beams out like the sun, but it dims upon Logan’s next words.

“Not well, unfortunately,” Logan informs him gravely. “I fear I have been having severe auditory and visual hallucinations. For example, I am currently experiencing one so vivid that I believe I am conversing with a friend in a cafe when I know that there is no chance of him being here yet.” Maybe Logan should feel bad about the way Roman’s expression morphs from worry to alarm to overblown outrage, but the challenging gleam in his eyes arrests him as surely as that of of Roman’s heart-shaped studs, and he can’t bring himself to regret it.

“Hey, I’m not always late!” he protests so loudly several patrons turn to look at him, perhaps expecting a scene.

Logan can’t help the smirk that creeps across his face as he slides into the seat opposite Roman, surreptitiously tucking a navy blue folder besides him. Thank goodness for Roman being typically Roman and reserving a booth that could seat six for a party of two. “Roman. Once Virgil and I deliberately told you to meet up an hour after we were actually supposed to meet so that when you inevitably showed up late, it would only be by five minutes rather than fifty. And the very idea that you could be on time for something went so flagrantly against the laws of the universe that the universe struck back by making your car break down, and you missed the meeting entirely.”

“Is that what happened?” Roman asks, looking so genuinely gobsmacked that Logan can’t help the snicker that escapes him. Roman’s expression flips to one of self-satisfaction, and Logan tries to ignore the little burst of fondness in his chest at the sight. Even if the rest of today goes horribly, at least he can savor this easy banter between them.

And banter they do, debating over whether Logan’s physics professor or Roman’s marketing professor is more inept before commiserating over the “perpetual hell week” that is college. They bounce from the disappointing latest installment of one of Roman’s favorite series to a terrible documentary on aliens Logan had found on a “science” channel (“It’s called a having a basic grasp of eighth-grade geometry, Roman- which, unlike this nine-thousand year old civilization, these morons have clearly never achieved!”) to every little thing in between, their food forgotten in front of them.

It’s nothing special, technically- they’ve been friends for years now, and they often have talks about everything and nothing. But today Logan can convince himself that an electric current is charging the air between them, flushing Roman’s cheeks and lighting up his eyes as Logan is drawn in, helpless against his magnetism.

There’s no decisive moment where Logan thinks, this is it. There’s just Roman, his laughter like bells in the breeze, and Logan, gazing at him like he’d put the stars in the sky.

“Roman,” he says. That’s it- Roman.

Roman is still giggling at his rendition of the student who’d spilled their coffee on the drama professor on the first day, but he sobers at whatever look is on Logan’s face. “Hey- you good, Lo?”

The nickname catches at something in Logan’s chest, pulls it open so the next words come just a little harder, just a little easier. “Roman,” he says again, looking down. “I do not wish to… ruin the mood, but I have something to confess.”

(He’s looking down, so he misses the way Roman jumps at the last word.)

But when he meets Roman’s eyes, open and curious, Logan’s confidence abandons him. He exhales slowly in an attempt to regain some of the feeling from before, like the memory of Roman’s voice will fortify his. But all that comes out is: “I wrote- would you-”

Logan’s throat fails him entirely, something a little like dread and a little like hope clogging it up. Without another word, he slides the folder he had kept tucked at his side to Roman. When Roman raises a curious eyebrow, Logan simply smiles- a quick, brittle thing- and motions for him to open it.

Earlier, the noise in the cafe had distracted Logan, had made him frown when it rose over Roman’s voice. But suddenly it all fades into the background, the chatter of voices and clatter of spoons receding in favor of the thwip of the folder opening, the little breath Roman takes when he reads the first two words.

Dimly, Logan thinks he must have used up all his words in the letter. His fingers lay still at his sides, mind is utterly blank as he watches Roman read it. But his heart is pounding loud enough that for an absurd second, he’s sure Roman can hear it in the sudden quiet.

Logan waits for a minute, maybe five. He thinks he’d wait for Roman forever if he asked. But Roman doesn’t make him wait that long, because when he looks up his eyes are wet with tears, and when Logan uselessly opens his mouth- to do what? His voice certainly hasn’t returned- Roman lurches forward, clumsy in a way Logan has never known him, and seals their lips with a kiss.

And when they finally draw apart, Logan thinks he’s regained his words (or maybe just these three), because they force themselves out of his lips like they’ve been waiting to do so since Logan said Roman’s name. And Roman, his face a study in the kind of shock and delight that can only come from a thought-to-be-hopeless dream coming true, returns them.

#logince #roman sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides #virgil sanders #patton sanders #my writing #a whole dictionary of love letters

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lonelyshrimp · 4 years

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What happened with your roomies if you don’t mind me asking...?

Yknow what I’m in a mood and they don’t know my tumblr (haha they think I’m a cisstraight girl lol) so let’s get into some shit. Imma put everything under a read more bc imma rant a bit and this is gonna get long.

TW: food, unsanitary (general things not being kept clean, typically bathroom and kitchen related), drug use, fighting, slurs

tl;dr if you dont feel like reading this beast:

They steal what food i dare leave out in the kitchen rather tan keep in my room

They slam doors excessively, fight, yell horrible things to each other, have friends over yelling at like 2 am (last night for example)

Leave the doors unlocked and open?? We cant even lock the front door anymore??? (Dw the doors to our rooms all have locks. If I’m in my room or out of the house, my door is locked)

Constantly throw around the r slur. Like. All the time. Including one person having called me it. Y i k e s

One person keeps smoking in the house even though i’ve asked numerous times (and even have a note on my door) asking people to please smoke outside, it gives me headaches. You are physically hurting me stop.

Don’t Clean Anything. The kitchen is a wreck. The toilets are constantly clogging, I Am In Hell.

For context: the house is a one story house divided into a main floor and finished basement. It’s a rooming house and the basement is largely seperate from upstairs. (They have a kitchen door that they keep closed and locked.) The stairs to the basement are split into two smaller flights, with a landing in between the floors. That’s where the side door is. The public spaces upstairs are the kitchen (connects to stairs), the hallway, and the two bathrooms (big main one, tiny water closet by the front door). The rest of the upstairs is split into five rooms. For comprehension sake, we’ll call my roommates: The Couple (M&F), A, T, and J.

Mmkay lets start with the least egregious and move our way up, shall we? Theft! Of anything and everything! No one can have anything out in the public areas if they actually care about it. It. Will. Get. Stolen. Now, I have a mini fridge and the second biggest room here, so I’m lucky in that 99% of my groceries, as well as all my other belongings, fit in my room. There’s just a wee problem: I don’t have a freezer. Not to fear, past naïve me thought, I’ll just clean out and use the locked freezer since I still have the keys for that fridge! (We have two fridges and food theft was a problem beforehand and so me and my friend who lived here cleaned out the second fridge to use as our own and kept it locked.) I decided to do this after I had bought myself some ice cream, wrote my name on the top, and put it in the main freezer. I go to have some ice cream later that week, I open the tub for the first time (as in I removed the seal holding the lid onto the tub) to find that someone eaten half the tub of ice cream while making it seem like it hadn’t been opened. I know it happened at home bc the spoon marks were clear as day and I have to walk 20 minutes back from the grocery store. That woulda melted by then (Also I would’ve noticed at the store that. The tub was hella lopsided??? And way too light???) So yea of course I’m ticked now, I spent 6 bucks on that bro like just ask or get ur own??? So I put it the other freezer, and for a while it’s fine. Next month I decide to treat myself to some frozen waffles and some chicken strips and come home to find that the hinges holding the locks onto the doors of the fridge were torn out of the fridge/freezer doors. Like. The screws were pried outta this metal door rendering the locks completely useless (to the point i wouldn’t even be able to put the hinges back on.) And the cherry on top?? My ice cream was gone!!! Hope u enjoyed it, asshole. So whatever. Fine. I put my food away and. a week later?? Im like “Man i could go for some waffles rn”. I bought 2 8 packs. One chocolate chip, one cinnamon (y’all i literally buy the cheapest ones Zehrs sells. 2,19$ a box y’all. not even eggos). Surprise surprise!! The entire box of choccy chip ones GONE. Mind u, i wrote my name on all of these boxes, as well as a very large “DO NOT EAT”. so i begrudgingly had a couple (note that, 2) cinnamon waffles and move on. A couple days later I go to have some more and. The waffles are completely gone. Out of a total of 16 waffles, ya boy got a solid 2. (It’s worth noting that there was a single waffle left, but at 0,27$ a waffle, I didn’t mind leaving the box on the table with a note basically reading “these are cheap af, buy ur own bitch”.) (I didn’t swear that much tho)

I’d add the bike to the list but i can’t confirm nor deny that one of my roommates stole my tires and seat off my bike (although M does work on bikes all the time so man idk.)

Next up: wow people here are l o u d. I’m talking slamming doors all the time, slamming things around, yelling, playing music wildly loud. It’s awful. Like. You can just. Close the door quietly? Stop slamming things around please? It’s awful because loud sudden noises make me panic and lemme tell ya, wakin up at eight am bc your a-hole roommate decided to slam the door eight times bc the front door is broken because someone took the border around the jamb off instead of fixing it so we can actually?? lock that door?? because it doesnt quite fit in the jamb and so the only wat to lock it was the chain lock and. someone took that too so thats fun :)))))). The side door isn’t that much better. We have a code lock and. No One Ever Locks It. Like. I’ll come outta room and?? It’s just open????? Close the door???????????

The worst, however, is the fucking fighting. The Couple love to argue all the time. and yell at each other and slam the doors or smashing shit and they yell pretty awful things to each other. Like. I’ve heard M call his gf some awful shit. It’s worse when they have people over too. The other day there were like. 14 cops in here bc of them at like 2 am. Cue me, 2 am, trying to watch a livestream and seeing like??? Six cop cars pull up????? Wh a t????? Not fun not good for my brain.

God and. What is with everyone and the r slur??? Like what?? there are so many words you can choose stop using that word. Like okay the other night someone?? took the dc adapter for the wireless modem and one of the dudes downstairs as well as the couple were looking to see if they had a compatible dc adapter and so i just decided to wait?? and i just spaced out a bit okay whatever i was lookin at the wall like i do and fuckin. the couple had a couple friends over and one of em was chillin between the kitchen and the hall and M yells out from his room “Hey don’t you feel weird with this creepy ass bitch standing next to you? Like what is she, m*ntally r*tarded?” like wow okay dude i’m literally not doing anything. Luckily his friends reaction was basically “?? She lives here?? She can stand there if she wants??” (wow referring to myself as she feels weird and wrong).

A big problem I have is I feel like theres a community in this house that I just don’t fit into? Part of it is I’m like. the only person here who doesn’t do drugs of any kind?? Like I have nothing against ppl who use drugs like whatever bro, but it feels super othering to me when i can’t relate to anyone here because of it. That and. Getting T in particular but really just anyone but A to respect me asking that if you’re going to smoke anything to do it outside because weed and to a lesser extent cigarette smoke trigger my sensory disorder and causes me pain and causes sensory overload and I still find myself asking people to smoke outside.Like I’ve never been unreasonable and said “no drugs in the house” or some bs. I’m just asking u to respect my disability thanks.And like?? I’ll get into this in a second but there were needles in the toilet?? Bro throw them out properly.

And now: Hell.

Can no one clean up after themselves?? Do your dishes. If theres food left on your plate, throw it out first, don’t dump it in the sink. Seriously the kitchen sink is fucked. The kitchen is gross. The microwave ugh ugh ugh no thanks. No one can clean everything. This is why all my cookware and dishes are in my room. That way I can make sure I 1) Still Own It and 2) Its clean and usable. I clean them as I go and just use my own shit.

Nothing compares to the bathrooms, though. It seems like every other day one of the toilets are clogged. Last week there were spoons in the sink?? Like at least 10 spoons. In the bathroom sink. The floor is dirty because no one owns a mop and?? there was one in the kitchen?? I haven’t seen it in like a month. And the worst of all. Okay, it’s really bad when every one up here is between like. 16 and 19 I think? And I had to put up a sign in the bathroom asking people to flush when you’re done??? And I still have to flush before I can use the washroom???? And it feels like every week or so. The toilet’s clogged. Oh! I forgot to mention that the water closet doesn’t even have a doorknob anymore. Someone took it. But wait, it gets worse. Seriously if extremely unsanitary things bother u, stop reading now.

Twice in the past month I’ve had to contact the landlord because the toilets were beyond clogged. The first time was bad but oh lord nothing compares to the second time (aka last week). The first time was your pretty standard toilet clogs and backs up and its very gross. I contacted the landlord and it was fixed the next day and it was fine. For. Two Days. Im serious. See. People here have a real issue it seems of “The person before me didn’t flush so neither will I”, leading to a toilet bowl full of like. a half a roll of toilet paper and waste. F u n. What that led to was the toilet clogging, people not doing anything about it, and continuing to use it. Eventually the toilet bowl was full, so trow a shopping bag over the lid to mark the toilet as “Out of order” and move on to the other one.Both toilets were completely unusable. I emailed the landlord and i don’t know if either they or one of the people living here contacted them, but the old landlord and old property manager were here the other day to clean them out and fix them?? and yea among all the standard waste you’d expect in a toilet, there were needles? Like buddy theres a trash can right there? I know u had the needle caps bc they were in there too. just... disgusting...

bro this is just what i can think of off the top of my head i know theres more but oh no this is so long now. just. this is a lot more detail than u wanted but i wanted to get this out of my brain??

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michael-hearteyes-wheeler · 6 years

Text

Bad Brains

[1] [2] [3] [4]

Chapter 5: Authority-Shmority

(AO3) (FF.net)

November 30th, 1987

If there was one thing that El learned while growing up in the city, it was always question authority.

Back in the group home, El had befriended a wild child named Kali. They became bunk mates, partners in crime, and sisters. Kali was a bit older, and she took El under her wing. She was assertive, and demanded attention simply by entering a room. El would never forget the way she walked straight up to her on her first day while she cried alone on her bunk.

‘Don't waste your time crying over people who don’t deserve it. You are better than them, and that's why you’re here.’

From that moment on they were inseparable. Kali gave her the nickname El, but they soon called each other by their first names (and were the only foster kids to do so) because they knew that they would be in each others lives forever. She showed all of the best places in the city, she taught her how to steal candy without getting caught, all about the patriarchy, and the punk rock gospel.

When Kali got a bit older, she found a group of like minded people living on the streets and she convinced El to to run away and join them. For awhile it seemed like a good decision. They drove around in a cozy van, they slept in an abandoned warehouse, and protected each other. In a lot of ways, it was the most exciting time in Els life. They would vandalise buildings and train cars, they stole from war criminal oil tycoons to give back to the poor, they went to shows and spread their message everywhere they could. There was a political revolution happening on the streets, and El had a front row seat.

That was until her new found gang decided to take it too far.

Kali wanted revenge on the people responsible for the abuse she had been through, the abuse that they had all been through. While her anger was fully justified, it just felt wrong. It started with robbery, then moved to forgery, then arson, and before long even that wasn't enough to satisfy Kali’s rage. She wanted them dead.

It was when they broke into one man's home, that El finally decided enough was enough. She watched the way he struggled and begged for his life while he stared down the barrel of Kali’s gun. She saw the terror in the eyes of his daughters in the next room, and she saw the lust for blood in Kali’s. So she bailed. She caught a late night bus back to the warehouse they hid out in, and waited for them to come home. She knew they would be pissed, but at least her conscious would be clear knowing she wasn't around to watch Kali pull the trigger.

But they never came back.

She spent the night alone. Then another, and another, until the days turned into weeks. She was out of food and nearly frozen to death by the time the cops raided the building. That's when Hopper found her, and that's when her new life started.

After that, is was a blur of hospital stays, legal documents, court rooms, and then packing up what little things she had and moving in with Hopper. He let her buy new clothes, and bought her her very own walkman, and when they moved to Hawkins she got to have her own room for the first time in her entire life. Her counselor had said it was a miracle that she was adjusting so well, and that most kids in her situation would be either junkies, psychopaths, or both.

But El was a fighter. She was strong, and she refused to let her past dictate her future. She resented Kali for leaving her, but she understood why. She was a traitor, and hardly any better than the criminals that Kali fought. But she would never forget the lessons Kali taught her, about sticking up for the little guy, fighting injustice, and defending your beliefs at all times. For El it wasn't just about being angry, or loud music, or ripped clothes, it was a mindset based on making change for the better no matter what the cost.

Even now in Hawkins, El’s aggressive political attitude didn't change. Hawkins was painfully behind the times socially, and she wasn't about to let it slide. She rarely spoke up in class unless it was to tell off some sexist asshole in English, or argue the merits of women in history, or join in a heated political debate in social studies.

Or, as was the case today, telling her Gym teacher that is was, in fact, ‘total bullshit’ to make the girls scrub down the gym equipment in the musty old storage closet, while the boys got to run the track outside on one of the few nice days they had had in weeks.

“You should be grateful, girly.” Sneered a very smug Mr. Meloney, a heavy set man with beady little eyes and permanent bad breath. “You get the easy end of the deal. Someone's gotta clean the equipment, and don't curse at me.”

“But that is bullshit! I don't care about getting the ‘easy’ way out! It’s not fair, or right! Why don't we all clean, and then we can all go outside after?” She hissed, raising her voice. Most of the boys in class groaned, it was just another one of the freak girls stupid rants, but several of the girls hollered their approval.

“I said not to curse at me! If I hear one more thing out of you it's going to be detention. Now why don't you go sit on the bleachers and fix your makeup, looks like you have a god damn black eye.” He pointed a finger at her and several of the boys laughed.

She felt her blood start to boil, he had gone to far. She took a tentative step towards him and balled her fists. “I should give you a black eye.” She hissed through her teeth, her rage welling up into her throat. She reeled back and spit at him. “Fucking pig.”

Several of the girls behind her cheered. Mr. Maloney was a known creep. He made all of the girls feel uncomfortable and often treated them like garbage, clearly just because of their gender and his own sick issues. It was honestly a relief that someone like El started standing up to him.

“That is it Hopper!” He grabbed Els wrist and drug her out into the hallway, she squirmed but his grip was tight and it felt like it was going to leave a gnarly bruise. “Get your ass to the principal's office before I kick it there.”

She finally managed to jerk herself free and stomped to the front office of the school. She was going to be in deep shit when she got home but she couldn't help it. It was the right thing to do, and she wasn't about to let that perv slide.

She spent the rest of the period in the principal's office silently fuming as she was written up for detention, and Hopper was called.

At least her friends were supportive.

“You should have kicked him in the crotch.” Dustin said with his mouth full of sandwich.

“Yeah! Or actually punched him that would have been great!” Lucas agreed laughing.

“He's lucky I didn't. I wanted to, but that probably would have gotten me expelled.” El sighed.

“God he is such a creep.” Max shuddered. “He totally checks out all of the girls when they jog. It's disgusting.”

“He does!?” Mike and Will gasped in unison. El and Max both nodded with a grimace.

“That's what happens when you have a position of authority.” El shrugged. “Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Even stupid gym teachers.” She stabbed at her poor excuse for a salad, not really feeling hungry.

“What does that mean?” Dustin asked dumbfoundedly.

“It's a famous quote from British politician, Lord Acton.” Max answered nonchalantly. The boys turned to her sharply as if she had just spoken another language. “What? El talks about this stuff a lot. I thought you guys were supposed to be the smart ones.”

“It means that when you have authority you are likely to abuse it because no one can stop you. It's why most politicians are liars, and most teachers are assholes.” El added.

They all nodded and mumbled in agreement. It was kind of funny, watching El slowly open their eyes to the underground political agenda.

But her cop father was another story.

She knew the entire walk home that she was going to get an earful when Jim got off work. Until then, she was going to listen to music as loud as her speakers would allow and let off some steam from her shitty day.

She was sitting on the couch reading a magazine when he got home. Her stereo was blasting The Runaways, so she didn't hear him pull up, or walk inside, or stomp into the living room until he was looming above her. She jolted upright when he stomped to her stereo and shut it off without a word.

“Hey!” She yelled.

“Don't hey me! I have told you a thousand times not to listen to that crap that loud.” He was furious.

“God chill! I'm sorry, okay?” His tone, and her bad day put her in an argumentative mood.

“Chill? I get a call at work that you get detention and you want me to chill?”

“It wasn't my fault!”

“Oh it wasn't your fault huh? You call your teacher a ‘fucking pig’ and it wasn't your fault?” He was still towering above her.

“No! Because he was being a pig! He is a total perv and a dirtbag and I wasn't going to take any of his crap anymore!” She stood up, still much to short to be at his eye level, but staring daggers at him.

“Look, kid, you are in the real world now. And in the real world you can't just go around cursing and spitting at people like some kind of little street brat!”

“The real world!? As if I have been living some charmed fantasy life up until this point!? Give me a break!” She felt angry tears brimming in her eyes.

“That girl you used to pal around with filled your head with a lot of garbage ideas! You need to grow up!” He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. “Grow the hell up!”

“Get the fuck off of me!” She ripped out of his grasp and stomped up to her room, but he was close on her heels. She turned to slam her door but he stuck his arm in just in time to catch it.

“Don't walk away from me when I am talking to you! This is exactly what im talking about. You like to play pretend that you are this angry punk but you just run away from your problems! You are never going to get anywhere in this world if you dont drop the act and own up to your mistakes.” His words cut deep into her like a knife. He was right, all she ever did was run away.

Run away from her abusive father, run away from the foster home, run away from Kali, and run away to Hawkins. She wasn't tough at all, no matter how much makeup she hid under, no matter how thick her leather jacket was, or how strong her ideals were. Inside she was still just a scared little girl. So while he yelled at her, for the first time, she just stayed quiet and listened. Hot tears streamed down her face as she took his beratement.

“You are grounded for two weeks. That means no TV, no stereo-” He turned and ripped her boombox from the wall. “And no going out with your friends. You are going to go to school, and come home and study and get over this bullshit. Do I make myself clear?” He got in her face again and she turned to avoid his glare.

“I said, do I make myself clear!?” He yelled. She turned to face him, long streaks of black mascara running down her face.

“Yes.” Her voice was like ice.

He said nothing as he turned around and slammed her door closed behind him, her stereo in hand. She flopped back on her bed and pulled a pillow over her face so she could scream into it. She wanted to badly to go downstairs and yell at him some more, she had so much more to say, but she knew none of it would change anything.

So instead she just stared up at the ceiling for hours. Thinking over all of the things she hasn't let herself think about in a long time.

‘Where is Kali? I hope she is okay. Im sure she must hate me, but I would give anything to see her right now. No one understood me the way she did.

All I ever do is run away. Run away so no one can leave me first. So no one realizes that I am worthless. Worthless and unlovable.’

It started getting dark, and as the sun set it became clear that Hopper wasn't going to be making dinner. She didn't want to see him anyway. She felt like she was going crazy. She jumped off her bed and stormed back and forth, the anxiety in her gut rising and pulsing, not letting her sit down. Usually she could just tune her feelings out with music, or a movie, or a long walk through town.

‘That's it!’

She threw on a warm grey sweater and strapped on her favorite boots. She flipped the light in her room off so that he would think she was sleeping and she locked the door on her way out. She silently opened her window and perched herself on its edge, feeling the cool air wrap around her. Lucky for her there was a small potting shed just under window that she could use to jump onto, and from there it was only a slight drop to the ground. She set of in the direction of Max’s house, wishing more than anything she had taken up her offer to learn how to skate. It wasn't too bad of a walk, but it was cold and dark.

‘At least I don't have to worry about getting stabbed out here in the sticks.’ She chuckled to herself, wrapping her arms tightly around herself and pressing forward.

It was a little after 10:00pm when she arrived at the Mayfield house. She could hear the usual sounds of Billy, Max's brother, and her step dad arguing inside, but luck for her, Max’s bedroom light was on. She grabbed a handful of pebbles and tossed them up at the girls window.

A few second later Max was sticking her head out into the night air and looked around he darkness.

“Lucas?” Max asked in a harsh whisper. El burst out laughing and stepped into the light.

“Sorry to disappoint you.” El chortled. “Does he come throw rocks at your window often?”

“Ugh, no shut up!” Max rolled her eyes, blushing furiously. “Why are you here?”

“Hopper grounded me, so naturally I snuck out. Lets go to the park or something.” El kicked the grass and smirked.

“Oh shit dude that sucks.” Max shook her head. “Okay yeah let me get my jacket.” her head disappeared from the window, and a few moments later she was back, tossing her skateboard out and jumping down from her window.

They walked to the nearby park, well, if you could call it a park. It was really just a few swings, a small set of rusty monkey bars, and a big dusty baseball diamond, but it was all they had available. Max and El jumped up on the swings, Max kicked off with great force, sending her soaring through the cool air. El just sat, kicking at the dirt and lighting up a cigarette.

“Max, why does everything suck so much?” El griped, exhaling softly into the air.

“No clue. It’s like a global conspiracy.” Max chuckled, her voice raising and lowering in volume as she zoomed back and forth.

“If by global conspiracy you mean thousands of years of patriarchy then yeah, pretty much.” El leaned against the cold metal chain of her swing and took another long drag.

“Hey, I think I have an idea.” Max said digging her feet into the dirt bellow and kicking up bark chips and dust, skidding to a stop.

“What's that?” El said exhaling another long breath of smoke.

“I'll bet the boys have never snuck out before.” Her face was turned up in the signature ‘Madmax’ devilish grin.

“So?”

“So let's get them to sneak out with us!”

“I doubt they will be down for that.” El sighed, stifling the end of her cigarette against the chain.

“Please. Lucas and Dustin will do anything to prove they aren't dorks. Plus Will is kind of always up for anything, and I know seeing Mike would make you feel better!” Max swung sideways bumping into El. A faint smile flashed across Els face, and before she had time to think of a rebuttal Max was pulling her by the hand in the direction of the Sinclair house.

All it took was one well thrown pebble, and Max waving to get Lucas to climb down off of his roof and join the girls. He seemed practically giddy (and like this wasn't his first time scaling his roof to get down). He had his Supercom and he used it to call Mike and Dustin. Dustin called Will and within the span of less than half an hour, all six teenagers were congregated back at the park.

Max and Lucas decided to race each other to the top of the monkey bars. A challenge that Max quickly won with little effort. Her and Lucas got lost in conversation from their perch, giggling and whispers about who knows what as the rest of the party milled around the field.

Will and Dustin were deep in a debate about some X-men character, and running around the field reenacting scenes like proper geeks.

Mike and El made their way to the swings and seeing him really did make her feel better. Being around her friends always made her feel better because they were the first friends she had that didn't make her feel like she had to prove something just to be close with them. If anything it seemed the opposite. It was always the boys trying to show off and prove they weren't just small town nerds, and it was kind of endearing.

“Hey El?” Will asked from across the dirt playground. “Who do you think is more likely to be a secret superhero? Henry Rollins or Glen Danzig?”

El snorted, surprised by the question. She admittedly didn't know a lot about superheros, but she did know that the lead singers of Black Flag and The Misfits respectively were some of the toughest guys in the music scene.

“Definitely Danzig. He probably has like demon superpowers. Did you know he is only 5’ 3”?”

“Holy crap really? That shorter than I am!” Will belly laughed.

“And just like you he is tiny but powerful.” El giggled

Dustin and Mike watched them like they were speaking in tongues, but it was nice having someone to talk to about stuff like this. She never would have guessed she would find someone with decent music taste in farm country. Thank god for Will Byers.

After the riveting talk wore down, it became apparent that Will really was out of his comfort zone. So much for being ‘up for anything’. As it got later, despite his clear discomfort, Will was pretending not to be freaked out by every noise, and car that drove past. And why he was asking for the hundredth time if they were ‘ sure everything was going to be fine’.

“God yes Will! We aren't going to get in trouble!” Dustin sighed rubbing his brow. While everyone else seemed to be enjoying the thrill of being out after dark, the Byers boy was a nervous wreck.

“You can't know that! I'm just going to bike home before my mom or Jonathan knows i'm gone.” Will zipped up his coat and hoisted his backpack over his shoulder.

“You shouldn't go home by yourself this time of night.” Max hollered from her place on top of the monkey bars. “There are weirdos out this late.” She snickered, throwing Will an unnerving expression.

“Really?” Will asked, gripping his bike handles and looking terrified.

“No not really, Max is just trying to scare you.” Mike rolled his eyes, throwing the giggling girl an accusing glare. “But it's probably more safe if I go with you.” He reluctantly moved to stand up, but before he could, Dustin beat him to it.

“I'll go home with you. I live closer.” He sighed, mounting his own Bike. He and Will clicked the small duct taped head lanterns on. “And besides, I don't want to be the fifth wheel.”

“Um well, bye guys!” Will smiled, clearly relieved to be getting home.

“See you later, little Danzig.” El chuckled.

Everyone watched in silence was the two boys peddled off, trying not to think about the implications of Dustin's ‘fifth wheel’ comment.

“Well alright!” Max hollered, jumping off of the monkey bars in a swift leap. “I want to walk around the track.”

“I'll come with you!” Lucas said, a huge grin spreading across his face as he climbed down. His descent was just as graceful as hers, and in seconds he was jogging to keep up with Max as she sauntered towards the distant baseball diamond.

El and Mike watched them leave, and became aware of the silence hanging in the air.

“I guess they are probably going to like... Makeout or whatever.” Mike chuckled nervously.

El giggled and nodded. “Yeah probably. You know earlier, when I knocked on her window, she thought I was Lucas. I think they do this a lot.”

“Jeez.” Mike rubbed his neck. “I guess that makes sense, I always thought Lucas would be the first one of us to...” He cut his sentence short, feeling suddenly overwhelmed with embarrassment.

“To what?” El asked curiously.

“To... you know...” He kicked at the dirt. “Like kiss a girl.”

El turned to him sharply, eyes wide with surprise. “Wait... none of you have ever kissed anyone?” She gaped.

Mikes face turned a deep scarlet and he cleared his throat nervously. “No not really. Dustin said that he kissed some girl at summer camp last year but I think he is full of shit. It's not like girls are really into the whole dork thing.” He gestured to himself, forcing an awkward smile.

El was genuinely shocked. Granted, she had never kissed anyone either, but that was mostly by choice. She looked at him and searched for the right thing to say, but she just found it so inconceivable.

‘How could anyone not want to kiss Mike? Dork or not.’

“Well it's not like a big deal or anything, to not be kissed.” She cringed at her own words. “It's probably not even that great.”

“Yeah. Probably not.” They both chuckled dryly in the tension of the situation. Then what she said dawned on him. “Wait, you have never kissed anyone either?”

“Nope. No one has ever been cool enough to deserve it.” El giggled. It wasn't the entire truth, a big part of her never having dated anyone lay in the fact that she was terrified of opening up to someone else, but everyone being lame was a large factor as well.

Mike chuckled with her, and looked up to catch Els glaze, she was wearing a similar blush to his own and he felt the sudden urge to move closer to her.

El shifted on the swing seat, feeling compelled to move in closer as well. The pale moonlight beamed across Mikes dark eyes and freckles, making him look incredibly beautiful. She felt her heart catch in her throat as they moved even closer.

They were close enough now that Mike could feel the heat coming off of her body. Her hair was firmly slicked back to way it usually was, but her walk had shaken several of her curls loose and they twisted around her cheeks and ears. That, combined with the oversized grey sweater she was wearing made her look so soft and warm.

They were only inches apart now. They both hitched their breath, suddenly hyper aware of everything that was happening. Every sound, every breath, the whistle of the wind, the blue moon light, every slight movement towards the other. El’s eyes fluttered closed, as Mike tilted his head in towards her. She could feel his shaky breathe on her lips, and she realized he was just as nervous as her.

‘I can't believe it! I'm about to have my first Kiss! And with Mike Wheeler!’

But then something ripped through the silence.

Just as they were about to close the small space between them, Max and Lucas’s laughter filled the night, and they both jumped apart. The chains on their swings groaning from the movement. Lucas and Max came running from the far side of the field, Lucas trailing behind and both teens squealing. It didn't seem like they had seen anything, they were far too preoccupied in whatever nauseating form of couples tag they were playing.

Mike jumped up from the swing and smoothed out his shirt nervously. He was still sporting a deep red blush and a slightly goofy smile. El was sure she didn't look any better. Her stomach felt warm and like it was twisting itself into knots, she couldn't look him in the eyes.

“Lucas Im going to kick your ass!” Max laughed as Lucas, finally catching up to her, picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. Max slapped at his back but she was laughing too hard to actually be much of a fight.

He set her down once they reached the park again and she punched him hard in the arm. The couple walked over the the swings, both of their faces plastered with huge grins.

“Okay kids, I think it's time to go home.” Max said, slapping an arm down on Els shoulder. El sighed, her nerves still racing from her almost-kiss. Max was probably right, it was getting late and they did have school tomorrow morning.

The boys grabbed their bikes and everyone walked out to the road. While they did not live anywhere near each other, Max and Lucas both started walking off in the direction of Max's house.

“Um Lucas? Aren't you going home?” Mike scoffed at his friend.

“Uh... yeah I am I just want to make sure Max gets home safe.” Lucas and Max ginned bashfully at each other. “Because of the weirdos and stuff.”

The couple turned around and walked off again, trailing down Old Cherry Road and into the darkness of the night. Even when El couldn't see them, she could hear Max’s boisterous laugh.

“They are such dweebs.” El chuckled.

“Yeah totally.” Mike sneered. They stood in silence for a moment, not wanting to part just yet. “I could... walk you home if you want.”

El beamed up at the shaggy dark haired boy and nodded. “That would be cool.” She tucked a curl behind her ear, quickly adding with sarcasm; “So that the weirdos don't get me.”

They walked slowly down the hill towards the quiet side of town that El lived on. Mike pushed his bike next to him, hands gripped the handle bars. They both stole glances at each other, each time making them quickly look down at their feet. They walked almost the entire way in silence, both too completely lost in thought. El was still dazed that she had been so close to kissing someone, and she hoped he was thinking the same things. Every time she looked over at him her heart thumped loudly in her chest. She wanted to kick herself for being so gushy over him but she just couldn't help it, he was the sweet nerdy boy of her dreams.

In only 20 minutes, an unfortunately short walk, they reached Els home. The lights were off inside, meaning Hopper had gone to bed. Mike didn't know what he had been expecting, but this cozy little farmhouse on the end of the quaint road wasn't it. El was just too surreal to live somewhere so... normal. They stood under the streetlamp for a moment, Mike marveling at the way she looked while bathed in yellow light, and El not wanting to walk away from him just yet. It was a strange feeling, like some kind of gravitational pull keeping her glued to her spot whenever he was near.

Eventually she figured she should say something. “Well this is me.”

‘I am such an idiot! He knows this is my house he just walked me here!’

“It's nice.” Mike said, hoping to drag the conversation out as long as possible.

“I guess i'll see you at school tomorrow?” She asked, looking at the ground.

“Yeah!” He said a little to enthusiastically. “Um... thanks for asking us to sneak out. I had a lot of fun.”

“I had fun too. Maybe you should start sneaking out more often, live on the wild side a little bit.” She said sarcastically. “Maybe you could even come throw pebbles at my window.”

Mikes eyes went wide and he suppressed the urge to smile like a dope. “Uh yeah! And maybe we can run around acting like dweebs like Max and Lucas.”

El giggled, trying to act apathetic, but desperately wishing he was serious. “Totally! And maybe next time i'll get to walk you home.”

“I would like that.” Mike smiled.

Suddenly it became apparent that they were standing just inches apart again. El felt her heart beating in her chest, and in an impulse she took another step forward, so close that they were practically embracing.

Mike looked down at her, and his voice caught in his throat. He wanted to tell her how much he liked her. How much fun she was to spend time with, how happy she made him, how he felt like he was alive whenever they hung out. But he just stared at her. Her beauty, her warm hazel eyes, her loose caramel curls, her soft rosy skin. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Even more than that, she was the most amazing girl he had ever met.

On impulse, acting against every instinct he normally would have had, he reached out and put a gentle hand on her cheek, cupping her face. Their sudden proximity made him feel almost dizzy, but everything about her made him feel dizzy. He let his bike drop to the road, and he placed his other palm lightly on her side.

El was stunned. She wanted him so badly to kiss her, but he didnt move. She wrapped her arms around his shoulder and inched even closer. It felt like an eternity as they held each other, and she realized that if anyone was going to make the move it was going to be her.

So she moved ever closer, and just as she was about to go in for the kill, he spoke.

“El?” His voice was a whisper, his breathe warm on her skin.

“Yes?” She leaned in closer.

“I... never gave you back your mixed tape.” He said it like some kind of admission of guilt.

El let out a sudden, short laugh in surprise and stepped back a bit. Her face quirked up in a half grimace, half astonished glower. “Oh... Um, It's fine. Thank you for remembering... I guess.”

“Uh yeah... sorry I kept it so long.” He fished it out of his pocket. “It was pretty good by the way. I mean I only got to listen to it once before my little sister stole my tape player.” He rubbed the back of his neck and cough awkwardly.

“I'm glad you liked it. I'll have to make you another one sometime.” El let herself frown fully. Had she misread the entire interaction? Was he really only concerned with her mixed tape? She wanted to punch herself for getting so flustered, and worked up and... hopeful.

“Well... um... Have a good night.” Mike mumbeled, scuffing his shoes along the ground.

El creased her eyebrows at him. Maybe she had gotten a bit carried away, and maybe she had gotten ahead of the situation, but she was damn sure that they almost kissed. Twice! She wasn't going to let him get away so easily.

She turned to face him straight up and down, and looked at him intently. “Mike. I like you.” He looked up at her with wide eyes, as if he had seen a ghost. “I mean it. I think you are nice, and sweet, and you care about people, which is super foreign to me. You make me laugh and you make me happy and I don't feel judged when i'm with you. I like you. A lot.”

“El...” He started, still bewildered.

‘Go ahead, tell me you don't feel the same way. Why would you?’

“El I like you too. A lot. You are so smart and amazing, and awesome. You don't let people push you around, or push me and the guys around. You are so strong even though you have dealt with a lot, and you are so so crazy intelligent. You know so much about things I had never even heard of. I like you so much.”

“Wow...” She breathed, not meaning to say it out loud, but realizing she had when he blushed.

El walked forward, and wrapped her arms around him in a sweet, yet encompassing hug. After a while they stepped apart, but remained close enough to feel each others warm breath as it clouded in the evening air.

“Wow to you too.” He Smirked. She punched him in the arm lightly, making them both laugh. She still wanted to kiss him, more than anything she wanted to kiss him, but there would be time for that another day.

El reached out and grabbed his hand, musing over how nice it was to watch the way their fingers laced together. “Goodnight Mike. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight El.” He squeezed her hand softly for a moment before mounting his bike and driving away in the direction of home. The whole way, smiling like the biggest dopey, dweeb anyone had ever seen. He understood every part of the face Lucas had made when he rejoined them on the park. He was head over heels for El Hopper, the Punk Rock badass from Chicago.

El watched him ride away, waiting until he was out of sight before she walked to her house. She decided to use the front door, assuming it would be much quieter than trying to clamber back up to her window. Her house was silent, but her ears were still ringing with the beating in her chest. She layed back down in her bed, and for the second time that day she muffled a shriek into her pillow.

Only this time, it was a scream of joy. Pure, innocent, unfaltering, heart-swelling, joy. She was head over heels for Mike Wheeler, the kindhearted nerd from Hawkins.

Tagging:

@el-themage @mileventwentyfourseven

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insatiablestitches · 4 years

Text

BIG ASS MENTAL BREAKDOWN RANT DO NOT READ ITS SUPER TRIGGERIG BUT IM SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND POSTING IT ANYWAYS BECAUSE I CRAVE ATTENTIONM

My rapist is getting arrested within the next couple days. I’m scared of going to court since I’m quite sure it’s going to go there and fuck idk. I sleep in past my counselling sessions because I can’t fall asleep at night and when I’m finally able to sleep I don’t want to wake up for as long as possible. I can’t get over the fact that I am a burden, financially and mentally, to my entire family. My entire existence consists of me sleeping, eating, pissing, shitting, crying, flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, self harming and mental breakdowns. I’m physically incapable of doing anything else but until this shit goes to court I’m just going to try as hard as I can to survive. I haven’t even been able to see any psychiatrists or psychologists to get even a fucking diagnosis because I’m just such a fucking burden and they can smell it from a mile away. I’ve tried contacting ducking DOZENS of people but none are interested. Not even the people who are paid to help me want to get anywhere near me. I genuinely want to do a suicide attempt just so people understand how much being raped has ruined me, maybe then I’ll get help. I just don’t want to bring any attention to it or do it before we go to court and he gets his charges just in case it means I’ll be stopped from doing it in the future. I’m still under 18 so at least the public mental health care is still alright for me, I have no ducking clue what I’m going to do in a years time becausethen I’ll be locked up with literal criminals because of the actions of what one person did to me one night. I’ve been told for 10 months things will get better. Sure I’m not as depressed cause I’m on anti depressants but now I can actually feel all of the pain constantly overwhelming me and the only thing that stops it is the physical pain caused by me literally cutting my own goddamn skin open, how fucked is that and how fucked am I? There’s something strangely grounding and satisfying about running my fingertips over the fresh scabs that form after i cut. I’m worried I’ll scar myself permanently too if I do it too often or too deep. I don’t want other people judging and assuming my story, when telling it puts me in danger for manipulation and more pain. Even though they will help me keep away from those who think down on people who have and do self harm I don’t want to have a reminder of this pain every time I look down at my arms or see my shoulders in the mirror. Fuck I also miss how it feels to have a strong romantic bond with a partner. I got a boyfriend a couple months ago and he was fucking perfect, but my issues triggered his depression so he left me. You’re always #1, I understand that, but everyday I miss the safety and feeling that everything’s going to be okay that I felt when we texted, he spoke to me and when I was in his arms. I fucking hate myself, there’s nothing wrong with my body physically I literally couldn’t give a shit about that, but just the fact that it was _this_ body that was raped absolutely disgusts me. I shouldn’t expect anyone to love me while I feel this way about myself, using people as emotional crutches is toxic and unhelpful but in the moment it makes me feel almost okay and compared to the rest of my existence fucj that’s so incredible. The only times I’ve been happy this year was when I was high. Fuck it feels so good to just not have everything swirling around in my head constantly and to be able to just chill out and laugh, without immediately remembering how pathetic I really am. The other upside is that my senses heighten and sex is fucking brilliant, plus I normally have no bad reactions after it and I can just vibe without the risk of a flashback at any point. The fact that I’m actually happy when I smoke is the reason why I don’t smoke ever. It’s too painful after to have such a recent memory of it, which makes me want to smoke more until it would trap me in a viscous loop which I cannot afford. I’ve actually never paid for weed cause I normally smoke when I sleep with guys and obviously the man has to pay for the dinner on the first ;)

Idk if this is glitched or what but I’m going to continue here. I’m just fucked. Everyone at my school hates me or thinks I’m annoying at the very least. In the past couple months only a handful of people have been bothered to ask me how I am going, to which I respond honestly with “I’m going through A LOT right now” and they always say they’re there to talk, but the moment I tell anyone what I’ve gone through and how horribly I’m dealing with it they get scared off so I just prefer to stay vague and mysterious. I can’t wait to graduate. I was meant to this year but honestly I doubt I’ll even graduate next year, that’s if I make it. Does tumblr have a content detection bot? Like will it read this and be like well shit this girl needs help and call a fucking ambulance or something to my house? Dear tumblr bot I’m okay for now but if you’re able to make mental health professionals actually give a shit about me PLEASE TELL ME.

I was told once I told my family and reached out things would get better and I’d get help. I spent 7 months in fear, stupidly may I add. I had a fucking monumental breakdown the night my bf broke up with me, which made me write a text to my mum about it. It’s been 3 months since then, and I don’t have the anxiety of my family not knowing anymore and some other shit, but things aren’t as great as people made it out to be. At least when my family didn’t know I was worried about the same few things, the police not being able to move forward with their investigation, me not getting sufficient help and support and some other shit I can’t remember at 6am. I always had a hope that kept me going which was that once my family knew I could actually get help. It’s fair to say that hasn’t happened, and things have gotten worse. 3 months ago I wouldn’t think of self harming, now I do it once every couple days, i would never have considered trying to kill myself even “for attention”, but now it’s something I always have in the back of my mind for if my rapist doesn’t get a decent sentence. Fuck now I’m upset about this. I just don’t want him to hurt anyone else. Nobody deserves to experience what I have to go through daily, possibly for the rest of my fucking life. I just am constantly so worried about this, what if there are others? And my inaction until July caused someone else to experience something similar to me. I don’t know if I could handle that news. Fuck there are birds chirping outside I’ve been up for so long, now I might not ever be able to get to sleep now.

It’s strange how I enjoy the warmth that happens on my skin after I cut it while it’s freshly healing. Idk, it’s like irritation but there was no bacteria trying to get in so it won’t hurt for long. I’m too much of a pussy to cut deep because I want to be in non psych ward bliss for just a little bit. Hey wait I’m gonna go send a text to a friend to maybe hang out and do some naughty stuff to try and make me feel better lol.

I apologise to anyone who actually read this, but thanks for listening I guess this helped me through a breakdown. I might not post it actually, wait fuck it I’m gonna lmao. Alright nightttt

#vent #rant #triggering

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tndrnss · 6 years

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first pic is just me constantly Second pic is also me, used to be my screen lock on my iphone 4 in 2013/14 when i had a circadian rhythm disorder with insomnia & hypersomnia Third pic was todays sunset outside of my best friends window Its a little after 3 am and i am always having the worst panic attacks very late at night when nobody else is awake and i dont have a single person to talk to right now when I desperately need it so here i am because i dont know what else to do so why not write this out into the void at 3 am. i havent had panic attacks this frequently in many months and im not completely sure why its happening again but i know it has something to do with my ptsd issues. life is too much for me i dont feel like my body ever gives me a break for long, it felt so hard to breathe all day today and yesterday, as today went on it just got worse. idk. im exhausted. I found out so many scary things going on in my body this month and im in pain every day trying to live some kind of a life. Idk just finding out a lot of added/worsening degenerative health problems i guess triggered my dumb fucking dgmsngmvma ptsd problems and idk how to function w this. Ive been dealing with this since i was 14 and im 21 now and my life doesnt feel fucking real i cant believe im going to be in pain for the rest of my life and my body is just destroying itself and i dont know if theres really much i can do for it and i cant keep taking steroids. I just cant believe im going through this again i thought i was getting past this because last year was so good.... i want to die if this doesnt get figured out and doesnt get fixed or treated/managed so i can function uhhhhh really ready to just!! Whatever!! Thank god for klonopin but even still im not feeling okay. I used to have xanax when i had panic attacks all the time. Maybe i need it again. This sucks. And if any person is even reading this at all, i gotta say like... if u are able bodied, count ur lucky stars man...cherish ur life and the things u take for granted because being chronically ill is a living nightmare that uhh never Fucking ENDS!!!! So take advantage of the things u can do, even if it might seem mundane like working minimum wage standing on your feet all day. Not something ill ever be able to do. And lastly, if u have anyone in ur life who is going thru health problems....be fucking nice to them, listen to them, be there for them, ask them what they are going through and how it makes them feel and try to understand that as if it were happening to you for some perspective. Do not treat them like they are fragile. Treat them normally but always try your best to be considerate of what they are going through. This turned into a longer rant than I anticipated but whatever

#like if u read this i guess #im really not okay #im glad ive been around my friends a lot this week tho and my out of town friends r visiting me this weekend and i cant wait #i love them all so much they keep me sane #idk what i would do without such incredible supportive genuine friends in my life #especially my best friend whose house i took that photo from #we have been friends since the first day of third grade #not to be dark but very honestly if i didnt have her in my life all these years and thru me getting sick in tenth grade #i would probably be dead #dont even want to think about that but thats why i am so grateful from the depths of my soul to have her and all of my friends in my life

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lightoverturesystem · 7 years

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I think one of the hardest things for me to cope with has been missing the ones who have abused me in the past. Given I grew up in maddening isolation, when I entered into my teenage years and was finally able to branch out into the world, I clutched to just about anyone who would give me the time of day. I had no idea what I was doing, and since I missed a lot of normal socialization and developmental growth, had no idea how to interact with people in general. All I knew was combat or flee, quite literally my life has been nothing but fight or flight.

And for some of these people it had been the same, bringing devastating results, a hurricane meeting with a warm tidal wave. When one would take a combat stance, I would run. One of my lovers even disdainfully called me “a runner.” I’m not sure if the goal was to shame me, point out the obvious or make me aware of something I already knew, but either way, not being given the safety in life to live a life outside flight-or-fight mode has left its scars on other people. That’s a whole other layer given to me by my childhood trauma to undo, to grieve for, feel about, and eventually overcome. He also called me a coward for having what as my therapist puts it, “a normal reaction for your body given the circumstances and the fact your body was trained and brain hard wired this way.” Doesn’t excuse the pain it causes others, but understanding and context too is important. But that’s another rant for another day. Anyway, it was rare I could be the person who could de-escalate a situation and calm it down if it wasn’t mediating between two others. When others would run, I would start to get angry, but that didn’t usually last. I would usually become sad, because I understood, in a way.

I have a lot of flaws when it comes to socializing. I know how to appear passably normal in society if I choose to do so, but once you start to learn who I am under the surface, the entire picture falls apart. Bits and pieces don’t add up, if you are skilled enough to look deeper. This is why I choose to be very open online, because having to fake all of this in the physical world can be maddening; if I had to do it in the digital world too… Well I just don’t think it’s possible for me. Anyway, anyone who gets intimate enough with me are told of my flaws the best I know of them because it affects my socialization, especially in intimate relationships.

For example, the previously aforementioned lover also told me while a lot of the issues in the relationship was his fault, I had a problem where I made him feel safe emotionally when we really weren’t, because I would assure him I would keep him safe, but when things got messy, my emotions dropped to instinctually protect myself. This issue of mine varies person to person, but one variable remains the same. If I feel unsafe with someone, that’s when the wall has always gone up. I often put it up without even consciously recognizing it. Its been second nature to me. In this case, I was unable to put it down even when desiring to do so because it truly just wasn’t safe at the time. Finally now I am in a place where not only am I able to tear the walls down, but most of them never need to be built up in the first place; and if I sense bricks starting to stack, I feel safe enough to address it. And in the future if I don’t feel safe, depending on the situation, I know now to either take a risk to talk about it or remove myself as safely as possible.

When it comes to being or listening to someone being abused, my emotional protector Morgue switches or starts using passive influence, and I no longer can access a normal range of emotions. Everything feels flat, and dull. I don’t feel empathy where I should. I feel almost nothing.

It can be terrifying, in hindsight, or even in the moment. Sometimes in these moments, I am at the back of my innerworld desperately clawing to get free. I am far away, and have trouble hearing, and I want nothing more than to communicate; it hurts. I am dissociated almost against my will, it feels like. Other times if I feel I’ve been done a serious wrong, I can be completely cold and unfeeling. Either way, it is not good, or conductive to good relationships or personal health. What once kept me alive and safe, stopped people from taking advantage of me as a child, has been holding me down.

Luckily for me, I understand this issue of self and it is a work in progress between my current lover and I. When in a situation of nurture, I am far better able to dismantle the wall faster, and Morgue not only knows he does not need to protect me from her, but is actually starting to feel emotion regarding her, to which I am elated. If in a situation of conflict, I know enough about myself and have a solid ground in the relationship to tell Morgue his job isn’t needed, that it is okay to feel and be vulnerable here.

In the last year I have started to really analyze my own behavior, now that mentally I am in a place I can start to look and vow to become a better person rather than just want to off myself or – to my ignorance, have someone system flood. (Looking at you, Kyle.) I haven’t always liked what I found. I’m at fault for turning the other way often, for what I found was so much like my parents that still being around them, it wasn’t my time to undo it. I couldn’t safely keep my hatred for my mother under control and also live with her at the same time. Undoing these things would mean I would have to study their roots, and that would bring feelings about her I couldn’t afford to have until now.

But before I started doing this, I had become friends with the first handful of folk who were like myself in the only ways I thought mattered. They were all LGBT, some were just queer, some were trans, we all loved BDSM and some were systems like myself. All were mentally ill, and we all clicked in various different ways.

In the next two years as I started to read, change and find who I am, I started to see in these people a mix of patterns and behaviors I had to undo myself, and things I’d never had inside me in the first place. As I learned what abuse really was and wasn’t, what I saw in others scared me. In this time, I was still not quite self aware enough to know my own needs or what was good and bad for me. I told myself its their issues to work out, to give patience. I tried not to just flee. But eventually as I started realizing how I was being treated, how I was being lied to, just passively or by omission, being manipulated, blackmailed and worse, one by one I realized it was time to leave again. This was different than running, this was standing up for myself. I had to detach myself from people I loved, but who treated me in ways I either had no idea how to handle, or were just plain cruel. And that was unbelievably hard; realizing I would have to go back to being almost entirely alone was almost too bad a thought that I nearly turned away from. But I didn’t. Instead, I thought about how each loss was a difficult act of self love, and continues to be every day. Each loss was me saying, “I love you, but dammit, I love me now too. And you shouldn’t treat me this way. So if you must, I must bid you goodbye because it isn’t healthy for me and isn’t what I need right now.”

Each loss was harder than the last, as the people I considered family eventually dwindled to two. Months I spent building, gone.

I learned about how survivors of abuse often fell into this pattern of being around abusers without even realizing it. I felt stupid; surely with all my psychology background I would have noticed this happening? And it’s true, somewhere, I took note of red flags of all these people, and took this valuable clipboard of information and all but through it out a mental window. I learned a good lesson from that about listening to gut instinct, let me tell you. This handful of people, the only I considered family, I didn’t want these people I believed in so much to truly be this way. I thought better of them. There’s no way they could be as bad, especially after learning what happened to me, and the way they reacted to that, right? I wish I had been right. But it taught me a valuable lesson of passing on patterns, instilling my vow to not do it myself, at least perhaps besides what I have already done. That was a mistake on my part for some of them. Others put up false personas of who they actually were and I had to see through.

It’s been a year of my loss of some, and I’m still grieving.

It seemed just when I was starting to grieve one person’s loss, it was time to lose another. The grieving comes in waves. Not just 3-am-its-dark-and-im-lonely kind of waves. It comes at 9 am when I wake and would normally call someone and now find my breakfast a lot more quiet. The sunlight streaming through the trees at a particular time of day will bring back memories. It comes at 11:30 in the morning on a bus when you know someone’s tumblr queue would normally be going off. It comes at midnight when someone would come home from work and the last thing you’d hear is their voice before bed. And yes, it still comes at 3 am, because it would be their 9 am, and you’d want to make sure their day has been starting okay so far. It comes playing my favorite videogame ever, that I haven’t picked up since The Loss™ because there are a handful of ghosts around me. In hearing The Neighborhood, and often when I learn something new about myself as a system.

Because of my issues socializing, because of not wanting to go back to what feels like isolation, missing my abusers has been something I’ve battled with for years. These issues amplify my feelings of isolation and that no one else will ever love me; they strike hard into the core of who I am.

Every day, I fight. Some days are easier than others. There can be long periods of time I don’t think about anyone. But I end up stepping on a trigger, maybe its a new Pokemon game coming out, a new Wednesday 13 album or seeing Luke Cage has been added to Netflix or crossing the street where someone I loved once lived. But when it happens, I’m fighting until I’m lying in the fetal position in my bed feeling stabs of pain through my chest where sobs would be because trauma stops me from being able to cry most of the time.

I think society has this stigma that when you leave an abusive person, you should feel proud. That you should burn bridges and never want to talk to them again. You should feel triumphant, and sick if the thought of ever talking to them should cross your mind.

But that’s not what it’s always like.

With some of these people I can truly let go of and say “thank fuck that’s over.” With others, it’s clawing myself out of a hole for a couple years almost. And sometimes I hate myself, I feel dirty and disgusting in a way no shower can clean and I delve into my own psychology, turning over every mental rock I can find for an answer for something until months later I come to it. Sometimes people’s words rub into old wounds so raw that it takes you months to clean them out once you can bare to fold back the bandage reeking of infection by the time you are brave enough to address it.

Nostalgia is a great liar. It will whisper to you whenever you are down and out for the count and tell you that you need or want someone back in your life that you really, really don’t. A brain addicted to the chemical ups and downs of abuse will tell you all this quiet is driving you up a wall, even though when in the thick of it, quiet is all you wanted. That being wound up in a panic attack at 3 am, heart pounding and frozen in terror, falling-apart-at-the-seams with sadness and rage afterward is far more exciting than sitting in the dark alone at night. This is the nature of growing up with abuse. Your body can learn to crave it. Without it, something doesn’t quite feel right.

My therapist tells me this is normal. She tells me to be more gentle with myself, because inside my head I am incredibly harsh. I tell myself I’m a disgrace to human beings, and by doing that I put a disrespect with my selfishness to all those have ever loved me.

She tells me I am not a bad person for the mistakes I made to others too; if this is all I knew, how can I be expected to know otherwise?

She reminds me things are no longer about anyone else’s opinions. I tell her “but no one has to be gentle on me for what I have done, they are allowed to be angry.” She tells me that is true, but in order to heal, to keep changing and to let go of what anyone else thinks of me, or can see, I am going to have to forgive myself.

So I start to try, and then I slowly start to forgive.

I take a look at the child and teen I was. Lost, terrified, ignorant to everything but a world full of abuse. I spent my teenage years begging for help, with nothing ever coming. I look at the young adult he turned into, fumbling through this life. He’s gotten some help here and there, but realized no one can save himself but himself. And in his pain, he’s made a lot of mistakes. A whole new layer to address in therapy, the trauma caused by trauma. None were done on purpose sure, but regardless, they were still there; scars on others due to his ignorance. I decide to hold him responsible for his actions, and maybe I did far too harshly for far too long, but… Would I be unforgiving if that was someone else? If it was someone I loved?

No.

Most I’ve known who have made a mistake where they weren’t directly trying to harm me in some form or another, I have forgiven.

I accept I still have a lot to learn. I accept that I will make a lot more mistakes in the future.

And in turn, I apply this knowledge to some of the people I know too. They too have known really nothing else either, and are working to undo abusive behaviors too. I feel something move inside, like a piece of a puzzle locking into place, right where it belonged.

Forgiveness comes a little easier now. Not forgetting, not refusing to hold anyone accountable, but understanding. “Understand, then seek to be understood.”

I never have seen these people as just good-or-bad people because of their abuse. Sometimes I wish I could; but I have done both horrible and wonderful things myself, and understand I am not the only one. What makes them this or that are an alignment of other morals now, and if they are trying to break patterns, be better people, or are just turning away from all their flaws. If they hold themselves responsible or make excuses.

Missing your abusers can come as a terrible blow to a lot of survivors; why would you miss such a terrible thing? But for a lot of us, our abusers, outside the abuse, were great people. Which on the outside, may sound like one wild contradiction. But in reality, they may be great representers in a community, they may be amazing caretakers, or a great friend when you are going through a hard time. They can be creative, happy people who do generous things for others. But they can still be abusive. This is why so many people have issue identifying abusers, or accepting someone they love is one.

“But X does ____ and ___!”

“Yes, but they also do ___ and ____”

Life is full of grey areas, and some tones are so close in color, they are barely distinguishable. It is not so black and white, all-or-nothing, good-or-bad person. Most of us are not entirely good or evil. Toxic thinking like this will only get people more hurt, and less understanding will occur in the world.

Some of my exes, outside their abuse, are some of the most creative and thoughtful people I know; some of them genuinely want to help mankind be better, some are advocates like myself, all of which in the end only served to make things more painful and confusing. But they are also some of the most awful people I’ve come across, who have said unspeakable things to me and burned me for defending myself. Some were to me, a person who would hit a dog for biting them after a history of striking the dog in the face. Some have in the same month made me feel the safest I had ever felt in my life, and then put everything I love in jeopardy.

Humanity is confusing.

Knowing all this, I think it’s okay to miss someone you do or once loved. The good parts and the bad, long as you can recognize why, and keep yourself safe. They were an intimate part of your lives, you had someone you shared milestone moments with. Don’t let anyone, especially them, shame you for that. There is nothing wrong, nothing shameful, about missing someone. I see too many breakups being played like games where people are shunned for grieving and expected to never feel anything about the breakup, especially over social media. People’s hearts are not pawns, and if an ex treats your breakup like a game, not engaging or playing it will in the long run, help you go far. This may not be possible with some abusers, so judge wisely. Safety, first. But if you can keep yourself safe by not taking what is often bait, if you are successful in not viewing things that way, you’ll save yourself a lot of trouble. Viewing things as a game only distances yourself from the pain that will refuse to go unaddressed forever, and possibly cause new layers of pain on top because of consequences to actions taken by “playing” this “game.”

That being said, I’m starting to allow myself to grieve more deeply. For those I’ve lost, for myself, for the child in me who despite everything, keeps reaching forward for the love he so boldly dares to believe he deserves.

#word vomit????#i just felt like writing on what i have been thinking about lately #abuse tw #tw abusive relationship #documentation

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yesterdays-furnace · 3 years

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just a rant cuz i dont know how else to let these feelings out rn without being self-destructive

okay, so ive been vegetarian for almost 8 months, and my brothers are huge bitches about it, its so fucking hard sometimes. im ten days into full in ed recovery rn, and it hasnt been easy (tho i am glad i chose to :])

tonight i was already having guilt about 'how much' i was getting on my plate, and i can ussually ignore it for the most part, but then my brother fucking put shrimp and shrimp juice (ew xd) on my salad (on purpose cuz he knows it hurts me, and idk if he rly tries to hurt me, but it literally just.. i cannot take him), and it wasnt even that much, i was able to pick out the stuff with it on it, but it triggered me so much, possibly partly to do with the fucking memories that go thru my head of all the little things hes done and stuff, and it gets so hard to deal with, and just before dinner he kept talking all about how he hadnt eaten all day and thats one of my worst triggers. then during, he kept picking on me about stupid things and i couldn't take it, and im just so fucking sick and tired of this. im so sick of trying to recover and then getting too triggered and ruining it, and i know 'its not linear' but rn i just dont know how to keep going. my first thot is always to restrict, and i had such a hard day at someones house the other day, i wasnt able to eat cuz this dude, my friends dad, he's so fucking homophobic and transphobic and just... when i look at peeps like that, basically everyone in my real life, sometimes all i can see is that, and all the harm theyve caused, all the fucking pain, and i know nobodys perfect and theyre just ... doing what they believe in, but i literally want nothing to do with them, but i still care about some of them, and its confusing and hard and fucked up.

i hate the anger. it makes me want to do violent things, mostly to myself, and i hate not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me. im 99% sure i have borderline personality disorder, ive done so much research, but the community keeps saying over and over again its not one of the ones you can self diagnose, and so im not gonna say i have bpd, i just honestly want to fucking escape my head, these thots, the voices, the pain, the anger. sometimes im better than okay, sometimes i think im even happy, and those are the tiems im so glad i havnt killed myself, but it doesnt rly make it any easier in these times.

and i miss my best friend so much, i havnt been able to talk to them in ten days, and wont until their fucking clinic decides they can open up communication to the outside world, and i know theyre probs having such a hard time, and i wish i could just ... just skip two years so we can finally move in together and i can get out of this fucking house.

i think im done ranting

#rant #fuck my family #fuck my stupid town #fuck my church #tw #tw ed #tw food #tw sh #?#tw suicide mention

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trippz2ill2ace8itout · 4 years

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🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #3; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

PART THREEE, FACEBOOK IM NOT A HARM TO MYSELF OR OTHERS THIS IS IN MY PAST XX TRIGGER WARNING XX 💚💚🔥🥀🦋A Lil Deeper Into My Demons Life; *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; about the visions he basically comes at night funny how "at night" is when i act out anyways, "johnny" did some huge damage to me and made me do damage to others, but mostly me, he abused me, made me breakdown millions of times made me violent with crazy ass visions of different shit, its like living in a horror movie.coming after me i tried to kill him but he never dies he said "pull the red wire" which one do i pull theres to many i hate when he "possesses" me when he comes after me even in my dreams he still makes me violent sometimes but less cuz im getting treatment. "you gotta nice autograph picture, one for you and one for yo sister" at my group home "JJ" hassnt seen me (except for once i was outside trying to kill me or hurt myself, i threw rocks at the car that Johnny was running over my mom with in the vision, she ran she ran and i almost went AWOL but i didn't) *Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos; ~The Night You Left, Turning Sara Into Elizabeth Ramos~ MY STORYxccc Written In 9/6/12 I was screaming, panting, searching, all over, so this is my story, so i was @ Preston's open house, right? and he got mad at me and tried to punch me so i punched him then i ran round the blocks screaming for you when people walked by i threatened them i was insane dark posessed, i stole a pack of cigarretes and some blue pills and Esctasy the cops (there were about 7 or 8 cars) chasing me but i was to fast finally i got thrown in my moms car i went home lockled in my room going crazy cutting till i was bleeding and beaten and bruised, trashing my room, destroying everything, graffiting on myself and the walls writing "666" everywhere. ranting on satanistic shit, listening to death metal, finally Johnny took full control and possessed me i busted the door down trashed the house i punched my mom and myself the officer in our house i stole a pill bottle and chased my family around ranting on and on i busted the front door open my mom tackled me to the ground i got out of her grip i ran into the dark going cxrazy going mad trying to die with Johnny chasing me and abusing me, after about 5 minutes they tackled me to the ground i went to the car destroying the glass all my personalities came out, i got more posessed than before i realized it wasnt you Cynthia sang to me and i knew it wasnt you it was your father, Presly Garcia, i know you would leave me i knew you would fuck up. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; ~Lisxten Upx~ MY STORY.cc EMPTY.TO.EMPTY (WRITTEN AT RESIDENTAL TREATMENT CENTER) This is how I feel, i know you don't have the power to kill my mom you showed me that she burned in a fire well fuck off Johnny are you real? NO YOUR NOT FUCKING REAL. MAKE ME A PERSON OF DARKNESS, my depression digs deep Johnny no Johnny STOP MAKE IT STOP HELP ME HELP ME STOP IT NO GO AWAY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? but you can't kill mommy please dont take me to the ends. i don't know about you, but im done. this is how i feel, i feel lonely, and shattered, don't know where to go, what to do, im just done, i don't care about me, i hate me. I HATE ME. the new me isn't like the old me, the new me has lost herself inside and outside, mentally and physically, im lost inside a big dark hole of lonleyness, depression, sorrow, hurt, blind, numb, fucked up, mental, ill, scared, paranoid, crazy, done... If i leave i know, that you would be laughing you wouldnt cry JUST FUCKING WATCH ME SUFFER ABUSE MYSELF TO DEATH AND YOULL LAUGH YOUD BE HAPPY. and as i say goodbye, noone will here me. shit. worthless. lonely, nothing. wasted. IM FUCKING DONE! LET ME GO GET OFF ME IM DONE!!! its all clashing down nowhere to hide, trapped inside, wanting to die, wanting to cry, burst, break, can't breathe, its all inside, i have to get out before everyone comes down, i'm sorry to you all for making your life misrable. Something in my brain is missing or snapped, i can't reconize myself, im going dark, nothings helping im getting crazier, getting worse, its taking control of me its killing me, all over, its not normal, its killing me all over, im blind, im stuck, about to break, a chemical embalance, im different. my hallucinations make NO SENSE IM NOBODY WHO AM I I DONT KNOW WHO I AM. im losing my mind idk who i am its the end, wait stop talking, there coming in suits killing me, why arent i normal? whats going on? laugh laugh feeling intoxicated mental retardation out of it delusional fuck man im losing it, im going insane, idk who i am, help me, lost 40 lbs idk who i am real bad hallucinations, try to kill myself, my amazing friend Oscar prayed with me, cared, comforted me, helped me, he saved me brought me to God. I WANT DADDY. WHATS GOING ON? repeated phrases over and over in my head in my mind its broken, IM SCARED, "circles and squares for people who cares" i wanted to die, stayed up all night in the hospital bed, for 20 FUCKING HOURS. nothing makes sense.... BAD.EPISODE.SCREAMING. there after me, i dont know whats going on whats happened to me, ive changed for the worse NO NOT THE CHANGE. idk whats real and whats not, im not in reality, im in a dream can't wake up WHEN WILL I WAKE UP? my life is crumbling, Johnny is becoming real, bad anxiety, mom called 911 WENT TO ETS MENTAL HOSPITAL, CUZ I WENT CRAZY, THEY TOOK ME AWAY DONT TAKE ME AWAY WHY DID YOU TAKE ME AWAY??? IM JUST DONE AND OVER... bye :( *Good Daddy/Bad Daddy; So this is how it all started, so on 3/18/14, Tuesday, i tried to commit suicide, the night before i pulled an allnighter with my iPod, and pulling allnighters effects my medication, i was hearing my dads voice talking to me, saying, "im coming back" "no your not you little bitch so shut the fuck up" "im coming back nomatter if i like it or not" the next day at school i went AWA around campus. i was already pissed and triggered, i missing my dad, so i told my teacher and i went AWOL twice, the 1st time i ran i tried to jump in front of a car and my staff saw me and the OGI van was already chasing me, i refused to get in the van, they took me back to the school, i got out and went AWOL again, try kill myself, the van chased me, i fought to get in and this time the staff escorted me to the residential dorm quiet room, i got in 6 restraints 4 escorts, i selfharmed with my nails and i was damaging property. i had a whole bunch of people talk to me i screamed "i wanna go home" everywhere, i started hearing and seeing things, i didnt go home i went to ETS mental hospital, in an ambulance, all this shit happened cuz i was being unsafe, now i learned my lesson. *NXSP; ~Underestimated~ My Storryyxx 8/12/14 Sometimes, its not what it seems, its not reality, could cry and hurt myself for hours not sleep pull allnighters one day after another im bloodshot my brain is sufficating you can see all the hurt and pain in my eyes, im scared, wanting to die, take my family with me, im just so messed up, im done with this shit the mentalness the non functionality the disorders, im tired of me, im tired of life, im tired of everything. im just, darkness. ON 8/7/2012 In progress... okay its now 5:02 P.M, Johnny's awake again, ready to start raising hell, hes in process or "processing" hes adapting, ready to posess me, imma take off the motion detector im FUCKING BLOODSHOT READY TO FACE DEATH IM TO UNSTABLE IM TO DANGEROUS. and the wires, well white wires, trying to break free out the locked doors , so sweet, the dectectors on the doors the wires on the walls, the blood on the ceiling, the dreams that crash my mind MAKE ME FUCKING BLIND. myself broken to peices, 2:00 AM still up slaving myself, about to go out on myself, wanting to hang, but its just a thought, an addicting thought, the pain and suffering theres no end to the feeling, im down. almost about to become someone else, the transfering starts as i transform into someone dark, a dark shadow waiting to come out and kill the light, as the blood drips down me, on everything, my wrists, so silent, then i scream, cuz im bloodshot, eyes you can barely see nomore, cuz there full of blood, clear for water, the wires falling down, and strangle herself, now its 5:00 am, still awake ready to start it all over again. xx {.} isnt it funny? its like im a completly different person, no touch with reality, yes i do agree ive changed for the worst, mental in the head, my brain doesnt function right, and im different, im not normal stanger to myself its like im a complete stranger... mentally unstable, physco, not normal, im so ill, like im a complete stranger FUCK IT MAN. to crazy for normalcy NO FUNCTIONALITY THE PERFECT FUCK MY LIFE. insanity insane ive dissapointed all of them WHO AM I? nothing.. to bad for me, haha isn't it funny??? "Ms Function or KnoqoutToCrazyyes.no.or.maybe." *Flyerway; (POEM BY ME ALISA MONEE ALVAREZ/SARA BERGER) ""Have you heard the news lately, i was born to be dead, meant to be someone, but now imma noone, so now i blaqout, see you later, well maybe... Open your eyes, see yourself cry, die, break, and fade away, heartless and cold, stone cold, broken and empty, noone else knows, the pain that unfolds, the dark side of your mind, mental and lonely, how come you never told me? some reason or excuse, to keep me from me, is it because im to crazy or im sick in the head? all those stories you told me, when i was a baby, something changed right inside me, then i grew up for noone, had no love and acception, then i became different, to crazy to function, my brain is defunctioned, im old and unstable, but i am not able, to pay back the life i was grown to, crazy and physco, noone to hold me, sing rock'a'bye'baby. I guess i was born crazy, mentally ill, built a wall i cant break down, these chains tied right on me, broken and knoqued out, have you heard me lately? i am noone BUT IM BECOMING A SOMEONE I FOUND MYSELF AGAIN, THROUGH GOD, HE SAVED ME, IM READY TO BE HEALED TO BE RECOVERED END THE DARKNESS, GET BETTER, END TREATMENT, IM FUCKING READY YOU BITCHES CANT STOP ME, Im not gonna lose it all, go all out, make stupid ass choices, no dangerous stuff, imma maske the right choice I LOVE YOU GOD, THANK YOU@!!!!!"" POEM BY ME. THE END. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia/The Ends/Erin Ramos; ~Break In The Dark, Molero Fever~ Myy Storii xc :3 8/7/2012 "JJ"s awoken from his sleep, Putting Liz and brother's fire out, tonight ...Hes awake, hes awake,please save me, i cant control him anymore, i cant fight him anymore, not even for you, please mom come and save me, make him dissapear so i can see the stars again, Johnny, are you wake? are you ready to raise hell? i knew youd come back, are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna try to take over me, no no no dont touch me, to many people to much noise to much sound, no shut up, rock back and fourth, no mom please fly here tonight and save me, please no no no dont die Preston, are you really in the hospital? no hes not bleeding, open your eyes, JJ do you copy? send Preston to The Ends, the end of WHAT? no Johnny let me go, PLEASE LET ME GO, is that him? no no no no no no NOOOOOO lET GO OF ME. don't touch me DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME GET THE FUCK OFF ME. hes not dead, he cant be, im bleeding, Johnny stop not there, no i need you mom, no Johnny, no Johnny your not me, your a liar, NO IM NOT NOW HOLD STILL, IM GONNA KILL YOU, NO JOHNNY, PRESTON, MOMMY, hes now awake, processing, Johnny to Constance, send em all to The Ends, put there fire out, NOW, I SAID NOW BITCH... *Constance McMann; Saturday, 2:28 pm, Auguest 18th, 2012, Constance i need to ask you something. Dear Constance, i know how hard you worked to take care of me, but i still cant be here, alone, in this spot, sure i call you and i ask if theres a way to escape "JJ" but your answers always the same, "pull the red wire" but i dont know where it is, so please tell me, i love mom i really do, i cant choose between my real mom, and you Constance, your my sister, i call you my mom, but YOUR NOT MY FUCKING MOM. Liz Ramos, OUT... Thursday, 7:29 pm, Augest 23rd, 2012, and in the dark, he must remain. *NXSP/Erin Ramos/Liz Ramos; Things Erin did wrong... 1. told JJ about the red wire, 2. mentioned "the thing", 3. told JJ "L"s number, 4. pulled up a knife to Preston, 5. told JJ that Lisa is "L". Aye, call JJ back @2:30, call mama, to pull it all out, the numbers of "US" make the dreams harder, follow the red wire to kill it all, all the Garcias all the McManns, i thought i was outta sight, but im back on, calling Lisa 60 times a day until he kills, i dont know who, but it all means something, Lorene, i thought the socket was already electrified, i shaked and shaked, now look where i am, look where Preston is, sick as hell in the hospital bed, stop calling Lisa, im asking you Johnny, im not, im not, IM NOT break out with the green wire, i know you can, what about late night? i made a contract for the program, now JJ put me on level drop, 4RF, bitch, now I...I...shit here he comes, calling me, OH SHIT. -.- This is a blog i wrote when i was at my level 14 residential treatment center. Tuesday, 6:51 pm, Augest 21, 2012 LIFE OUTTA JOHNNYS SIGHT, WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU SO... why JJ did you open up a new story on us, not willing to even notify me, ive been in the program for 4 fucking years, and you never mentioned "The Thing" to me, im one of you guys, i had sight put on me, and now you want me to uninstall it? JJ get it thru your damn head that im a part of "US" im not going to The Ends i know hes in the hospital. you told me he was sick, i thought you were a liar, but i know its for real this time. the outsiders think your nothing but a freak, unexsistable, fake, but i know your real, i dont want to get a new master, im out of sight, forever, this is me Elizabeth Ramos..... oh my fucking god Erin, can't you see Liz doesnt want you or need you, just shut up, i dont want to hear it, shes outta sight all because of you, NO JJ ITS NOT MY FAULT, please just give me one more chance i dont wanna go to The Ends, im sorry i mentioned "The Thing". No Erin, times up, the red wires been pulled, and its all BECAUSE OF YOU. now we have to live outta sight, and Elizabeth, when she finds out Johnny cant be her master, and ill tell her the excact reason why. Im Erin Ramos this is me... bye. What do you mean? are you saying he left? AGAIN. i know Liz, all im saying is he can no longer posess you. then how the hell am i supposed to raise hell? if it hadnt been for Erin, we wouldnt be in this fucking mess, this would have NEVER HAPPENED. no CeeCee you know what this means, were gonna be sent to The Ends, if one "Ramos' pulls the wire, all the "Ramos" will be taken to The Ends. Do you know how low functioning Erin is? NO. I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF HE IS. SEND HIM TO THE ENDS, IM NOT GOING DOWN THAT ROAD, being a "McMann" HELL NO. Liz, im so sorry, i should have told him, its not my fault, ITS NOT MY FAULT... This is Elizabeth and CeeCee. nite bitch.... Okay Tuesday, 8:38 pm, Augest 28th, 2012, this is Plumb and Erin Ramos, JESUS CHRIST HOW LONG HAVE I KNOWN YOU? for all the time ive known you, like 2 years? shit, Erin hasn't even told Johnny about you yet, Plumb. i know your my friend, my step sister, but i have to tell Johnny, if you want to be a part of "US" i have to. But what if he doesn't approve me for the program? WELL THEN GET YOUR ASS UP AND START THE PAPERWORK. what paperwork? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? youll be sent to "The Ends" if JJ hears that, dont you EVER deny paperwork, oh and dont mention "The Thing" either. whats "The Thing"? Dont tell JJ that i told you what "The Thing" is, alright? i promise. okay "The Thing" happens excactly on December 30th, 2012. YEAH AND? what happens is all the wires will be pulled, and every person that asleep while its happening will be sent to "The Ends" Erin is gonna be sent to "The Ends" regardless, i know you like Erin, but hes your step brother, he doesnt even know you exsist, well im logging off, nite o> *Michael Alvarado-Alvaro/DANCING Squares/Veronica&Victoria Enxxelia; [[[[ -----Will You Believe Me If I Went Insane? (These are TRUE REAL Stories I had written in CHYC treatment center back in 2012, these are 100% real, about my hallucinations and me going insane, my stories && my raps.) X'd Out Bitchz-----]]]] 7/12/2012, Ronnie Irez, Coded, got in the shower half naked, sat there crying, digging deep into my skin with the blade oh I pressed it against my skin, watching it bleed, the blood rushing down, brings me to my knees, don't feel no pain, but I'm enjoying it, the blood dripping on the floor, but I don't care, just stand there, watch me bleed, at that moment I jumped and hit the ground, no tears came out, oh hell no, I tried to move but I couldn't, I was stuck, this is just payback for my choices, I tried to get up but I couldn't move a muscle, well this is how I am, visions of killing and fighting and burning down this place, so I got up and climbed out the window, I pulled out my gun, pointing it towards my mouth, thinking of death, suicide, ending it all, Johnny's got me now and I'm just fine, I assaulted 5 cops, and I ran, so faraway I couldn't be found, the world is cruel, it's full of pain, all I think about is numb blank fucked up thoughts, that's all I want to do, all I ever wanted, so I pull out the lighter and my cigarretes I smoked until I fainted, getting faded, and it all turned black , oh I'm so sad, so sad, full of pain, now I feel it, now oh I regret it, bye mom bye dad, see you later, oh no . *Charlotte McMann; 7/12/2012, fire and flames, last week was the day I did it, now I regret it but I did it, I tried to kill my other, I walked into his room and tried to choke em' watch the satisfaction on my face grow, to see him in pain, to see him suffer like I once did, tried to kill em ' all to take em' where daddy is, so we can all be together, and burn this place on fire, and kill every fool in this damn place, yeah I said it, and I'll do it , hell no bitch yo getting in my face, I'll fuck you up before you can blink, have a nice rest while I knock you out, see you in hell, cuz dats where yo ass is going, can't you hear me? can't you hear my voice or are you just ignoring it . yes you tried but you didn't make it, sorry for your loss but it's not my problem, well goodbye have sweet dreams cuz when you'll wake up it will be dark and empty, burning like my soul, like my heart, like the diamonds in your fire , cuz I'm no liar cuz yo just a fake, the cops are chasing me, you'll never catch me, cuz dats just me. Cold and over, shivering outside , the rain is falling down , try to make it through, oh sorry no I can't, I try to walk my way , but there's nowhere to go, my home is so far away, I'm cold and alone, where are you ? I need you, lead me the way I need to go , oh I need to know , where I am, where I need to go , before I lie here and die, my bodies getting old, I'm just laying here like a stone, bodies tense, muscles to hard to move, can't seem to make it any further , come on, come on , your almost there, you may not realize it , but you go to believe, just a few miles away , yes you got to believe, crawl faster, get up , please, I don't wanna see you so broken, I wanna see you try, climb , run , please please your almost there, don't give up now cuz your getting close, your thinking why try harder? but you've got to before you die and get taken away from me, I've already lost enough, I can't stand losing you, leave me like this, shattered inside , cold inside and out, skin scratched and bruised and bleeding, I'm so cold , can you see through me ? if you can please tell me, why me why now why does it have to be this way , why does it have to end like this? *Contance McMann/Erin Ramos; 7/14/2012, see your face, burn down the house, watch it fall, try to stop it but it's no use no more, later that day she burned in a fire, I ran in there, tried to save her, but you know what , she was already dead, the body was turned to ashes, I picked it up trying to bring it back to life , opening eyes like a pleasure, there were red and bloodshot, I had a mental breakdown put it in my trunk, road off the bridge deep into the ocean, we drowned to the bottom, I passed out then I woke up in a hospital bed , body scarred, face burnt, I looked up and there was Constance , I was scared, didn't mean it, I saw your face Constance, please forgive me,it was just a vision, just my mind playing tricks on me , I sorry I was sweating now I got up and slipped and fell when I saw your face, I jumped I was scared oh Erin not now , please not now, I grabbed your body and hid it, JJ killed ya, oh I saw your face , yes i saw your face, it was gone forever. ^.^ *Flyerway && Eddie/Edgar/Chillwax Alejandria; 9/3/2012 My last step, baby it's gonna be okay, don't worry ill be alright, I tried to tell you but you never listened to me I don't care anymore, what you say or what you think, I'm in pain, all over my body, the scars are infected, my life is over, as I inject the last shot of meth, I say goodbye hopeing I would die , die slowly in pain, I light the candles there on fire, I step into the bathtub, water burning, I take my last step in life, I try to cry but it's impossible to me, I'm in so much pain, I can't take it anymore , JJ is after me , trying to kill me, I just want to escape , I'm melting and falling to peices blood all over, ready to die, but then I see you, your face is shocked, you yell and cry, I can't stand to see you hurt, I try to crawl out, but it's to late, body is numb and now all I hear is sirens ringing, your crying, police trying to save my life, I feel so numb, but I don't care, this is the end and now I say, goodbye... *Elizabeth Ramos/Constance McMann/Charlotte McMann/Josephina "Paid2Kill" Hernandez; xxGotNoPleasurexc -"Seeing Me, Elizabeth Ramos , It's Like Reading A Nightmare" (my hallucination alternate life) , by me Sara Berger/Alisa Alvarez- _____Walk into the classroom with your head held high, say hello to everyone inside, my greetings warm and friendly, but when I go outside I remember that I don't have a home, and I feel alone, remember the day I dressed you up for school? The day I cried when I said my goodbye? As you got on that bus and drove away? You don't know what goes on through closed doors, at school everything seems fine , I sit down and do my work quietly and I see all my friends, and act like it's all alright , I'm scared to get in the car , what's gonna happen as soon as I leave my second home? Behind my smile and my hard work and kindness is someone broken and damaged, I can't show it besides behind closed doors. I walk into my house , no parents home, my sister Constance Ramos is inside sitting on the couch, waiting for me to come in with my substances, I pass out the liquor and the cocaine and get high every second of the day, I never had real parents cuz my dad was a physcotic killer and my mom got sent to jail for drugs , aggression , and sexual assault. My dad abused me 24/7 and put a gun to my moms head countless times, and beat her till she bleed and suffocated, he was a serial killer addicted to meth and crack cocaine, and my whole life he beat us to death , tortured us, till we blackout, and cut us up, and abused us to death. Finally he got sent to jail and he killed himself, so I didn't have a dad, no parents, I had to raise myself, my mom was so traumatized that she got Alzheimer's, she was like a 2 year old, she couldn't take care of me and she had physcotic episodes, then the police came cuz she started shooting her shotgun at the wall and all around the house and then at me as she was screaming "I wish you were dead, just like your father, go get raped or killed and kill yourself" she was not in reality she got hijacked and possessed and thought I was her husband and thought I was someone else, she didn't knew who I was, I was like a stranger and so was she, just a blank cold dis activated stranger, she wasn't my mom she was an animal who didn't know reality, and I was like bait to her for her physcotic episodes, then she drowned my head in the tub and burned me and tortured me worse then my dad as she got possessed, she shoved my head against the wall beating me and suffocating to death and stabbing me and torturing me, then she took her shotgun and pointed it towards my head, before she raped me while I was on the toilet and injected drugs into me, the police took her away and I moved to a foster home. The house parents were drug dealers, and they were crude and physcotic, they raped all the children and murdered them, they tortured us like a murderer would but we had to keep it a secret, shhhhhh they said, very quiet, they abused us bad and attempted to kill us, mainly me and this other kid Erin Vanity, we both got brain damaged , our bodies were bloody and scarred , I took Erin in as my little brother and we grew close, but he was low functioning as well, so I had to teach him, one night when we were sleeping I got a call from the neighborhood police department , saying my mom died after she got arrested she jumped out of the car and into the freeway, so I never had parents. I went through 24 foster homes where we were tortured and on drugs, finally me and Erin were on the streets for 2 years doing crazy physcotic illegal shit and killing , and that's where I met this girl named Constance Ramos who was also on the streets, she took us in and we became family , The Ramos Family, we lived together , and then Johnny Garcia came into our lives, he became my master , and me and him and his father Presly got possessed and raised hell (definition for torturing killing and doing physcotic insane and murderous Satanistic shit) he was my master and were physco insane , dysfunctional killers, and we raised hell all day and all night, doing the craziest shit u can think of, and I came home to Constance snorting cocaine and Erin smoking and having a physcotic episode, trashing the house and he was mentally 2 years old. I had no family all my life has been trauma, so I continued to raise hell with Johnny , then he took us to NXSP , a world of controlled programs we went there and raised hell like Satan would have but worse, we became physcotic killers , everybody was, finally I had a home, we were controlled and possessed and our minds were controlled and damaged and we were controlled by our minds and by our programs, I went there to raise hell , I came into the real world and they possessed me and I was out doing crazy physcotic Satanistic shit just as bad as in NXSP, I went insane and my mom was out of it (my mom in the real world) , her little girl was gone I became possessed as Elizabeth Ramos, raising hell and I still had no one so besides being physcotic and living in NXSP and dealing with possessed possessive insane hallucinations and turning me into a possessed physcotic person, i pretended to be fine. I came to school like nothing was wrong, I said my hellos and friendly greetings, but behind closed doors I was raising hell in NXSP, going crazy as Sara and Elizabeth, doing crazy shit in both of my lives. You still don't know what happens behind closed doors, cuz it isn't what it seems, when your seeing me, Elizabeth Ramos .

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mandarinorangesss · 6 years

Text

My BPD

Hi everyone...my name is Hiyori and I am f-ing done with borderline.

This is probably more going to be me ranting about myself and hating myself AND me hating on bpd, so it’s better not to read this post if you also have bpd because it’ll only bring you down...

So...i have fucking bpd (borderline personallity disorder) and suffer from PTSD and depresion

My whole fucking life is always a big mess.

I feel like I’m a monster....a 58cm short but crazy psyco yandere bitch!!

Today I flipped at a friend and actually tried to psysically hurt her....ON THE STREET OF ALL PLACES TOO! It was a real sight...

Her husband and my boy- probably ex-boyfriend soon, had to hold me back.

I called her such bad things and tried to hurt my boyfriend as well, calling him a manwhore and other fucked up things that don’t make sense as well. Tried to phycically hurt them both... Also screamed and cried like a baby!

The story that leads up to this messed up scenario went like this:

My boyfriend...i’ll refer to him as “J” has this thing called autism and because of this he is really bad at knowing peoples boundries. He’s fucking kind at heart and always tries to make everyone he cares about happy.

He’s also naive...so gullible.., gets hurt a lot because of people taking advantage of his kindness and stuff.

He’s just so fucking pure okay?!

So he sometimes is a bit too touchy with this friend of ours...she’s a very very dense girl which doesn’t help (and often irritates the 💩 out of me).

For example...he once saw a button lose on her and started buttoning up because it annoyed him. It just dindn’t make sense for that button to be left open around the boob area.

And she was startled and told him later that she would hit him next time it happens.

She just didnt like it.

At the same time when they went shopping she started taking her shirt off in the dressing room, forgetting that the curtain was still open, which J closed in a hurry.

Little stuff like this kept happening over a couple of months and everytime we’d meet up. J and I often argued about it at home. He would also talk about her a lot at home(we live together) or on dates with me (dates for us...with our messed up brains are very very rare)

Just....stuff like this man...

That friends husband was also very bothered by this because at home she apparently also only talks about J.

So me and friends husband talked about it and he decided to come over today.

To talk about “boundries” and just be open with their feelings.

BUT he said he was coming alone...

So i didn’t expect his wifu to come along.

AND HERE IT COMES.....I was shocked as hell...and suddenly my mind went black and i tried to attack her and cursed at her and when that didnt work out because her husband managed to pull me away, I attacked J!

Which luckily also didnt work out for me!

It al happend so fast and J and friend go outside to talk and the friends husband stays with me to calm me down.

I managed to calm down a little after a whole “throwing with stuff while screaming and crying “ episode.

Then he goes outside to talk with J and when they come back J tells me that after they leave he will just act as if I don’t exist. And I flip my non-existing balls and throw all my medication in a bag, take a water bottle and run outside with the idea of just overdosing because i’m such a worthless and petty piece of shit and can’t handle J hurting my feelings.

I didn’t manage to do it(im still typing here on tumblr after all -.- ) because J caught up to me and grabbed the medication from my bag en went away.

I sat on a parking spot outside...crying like a ffucking baby!!!

After I stand up and try to walk towards the house I see J standing over a car window...the same place where the friend was seated earlier while talking to J and I flip again! (Even though the husband was there instead and they were just talking.

I run up to J and try to hit him with my bag and scream at him for my medication back and after that didnt work out I tried to attack the friend...

Again her husband restrains me and faiz takes me home.

He leaves again afterwards (with ALL the medication in a bag so I can’t overdose)

And I’m left crying...feeling like a monster...

I didn’t even mean to hurt the friend.

Just her coming here today was the trigger for me...

What I did was fucking insane and unreasonable as hell...

I am here in the bedroom...all alone..because of my own insane actions.

My flipping out at people has NEVER been THIS bad before...

Today feels like the worst day in my life...

I hurt friends...and made J dislike me so much that he doens’t want to love me anymore.

A borderliner and an Autistic person are a match made in hell.

I have never hated myself as much as I do now...

I hate bpd...i accept it....but hate it.

I’m fucking tired of hurting the ones I love and care about...

The police has been to our place many times because of my yelling and throwing with things *sigh*

My psychiatrist advised me to go to a certain mental health institution where I’ll stay for two whole weeks and wil learn to deal with my emotions, borderline and it’s gonna be tough....

I’m scared to be honest...and don’t know what to expect...i want to change

Change myself

Not hurt people I love...

My biggest fear...

“My biggest fear it that eventually you will see me the way I see myself.”

Has finally come true.

I want wish I never had bpd...it’s done nothing but bring missery for me and everyone around me.

Hating myself everyday, feeling guilty for existing everyday...i’m just so fucking tired guys..

I used to be very active and a happy go lucky idiot who wanted to make people smile and now im this...

I basically have no social life, no friends but 1 (i don’t even know why that person’s still here to be honest). I started with a new at home study in March and still havent even gone for my first exam yet.. Basically my study is going nowhere. I work behind a cash register, go home, eat, work out sometimes, hurt loved ones ALL the time, sleep. And repeat.

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #borderline thoughts #cursing #not worth reading #hating myself #mental disorder

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itsiotrecords-blog · 7 years

Link

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—‘’“”–S*x is one of the healthiest and most enjoyable things on the planet. The typical male ego often leaves them thinking that they have the s*xual prowess of a Greek god without a doubt. How many times has a male banged away and thought it was the best that she has ever had? However, those common masculine ideas may not be what’s running through the mind of the woman next to you. Sometimes, the woman’s mind runs wild while a man is humping away. But none of their thoughts relate to s*x. It has been reported that women tend to fantasize during s*x more than men do. There are positives to those fantasies as women can disconnect from stressors that interfere with arousal. They might even become more interested in the s*x that they’re having. Fortunately, men can come up with solutions to help a woman disconnect like giving a massage, providing stimulation with his hand or using a vibrator on a low setting. The things lingering in the female head ranges from erotic to weird. Most women wouldn’t openly admit their thoughts, but praise the Internet because those same women took to Reddit to confess a wide range of thoughts they’ve had during s*x. Women aren’t simple at all. Whether you want to know what your woman could’ve been thinking about or just want to read the confessions in its entirely, then you’ve come to the right place. Here are 15 confessions of what women are really thinking when “doing it.”

#1 Cats Cats are frequently dubbed as women’s best friend, but for a good reason. The small domesticated feline mammals have soft fur, short noses, and retractile claws. They’re soft and cuddly. Plus, they want nothing more than to love you. But sometimes, all the cat wants is our undivided attention. In a Reddit thread, a female user confessed that she thinks about her partner during s*x, but then diverted to the animal-based thought of cats. Yes, cats. She wrote in all caps “GODDAMMIT CATS, STOP SCRATCHING AT THE DOOR AND YOWLING.” Here are a few simple solutions for the user: Put a scratching post outside your door and rub it with catnip so your cat can scratch there instead. Also, you can leave a cozy bed outside your door that smells exactly like you. Distracting your cat is the right thing to do. Cats won’t bother your lovemaking time unless you let them affect you and your partner.

#2 Apples Apples are round fruits of a tree in the rose family. They usually have a thin red or green skin with crisp flesh on the inside. Most of them offer a tasty balance of both sweet and tart flavors for the average palate. Apples are a staple in everyday cooking from apple pies to apple ciders. They’re also a skin nourisher as many beauty supply stores such as Bath & Body Works supply apple-scented lotions. A female Reddit user confessed to thinking about apples during the deed. She wrote, “One time I was enjoying the moment and BOOM I thought about apples. No idea why, I just couldn’t get them out of my head. Then there’s the internal dialogue of “stop thinking about apples and just enjoy it” and “why the fuck are you still thinking about apples” but I really couldn’t concentrate anymore. Not every time, but now, on occasion, I get the thoughts of “remember that one time you thought about apples?” Apparently, apples are a major distraction to the user.

#3 The 1957 Milwaukee Braves Starting Lineup You most likely never witnessed one of the 1957 Milwaukee Braves starting lineups because it was a real blast from the past. For all you baseball fans out there, the Atlanta Braves have had a long history dating back to 1871 when it was founded in Boston, Massachusetts as the Boston Red Stockings. The team operated as the Boston Braves for about half of the 20th century. In 1953, the team moved to Milwaukee, Wisconsin and became the Milwaukee Braves. The team then moved to Atlanta, Georgia in 1966 and has been known as the Atlanta Braves ever since. A female Reddit user confessed that she thought about the 1957 Milwaukee Braves roster during s*x. The team won its first pennant in nine years in 1957 behind Hank Aaron’s MVP season as he led the National League in home runs and runs batted in. The user apparently came in first; if you know what I mean.

#4 Star Wars You may not be interested in it, but Star Wars is an epic space opera franchise that’s focused on a film series that was created by filmmaker and entrepreneur George Lucas. The franchise began in 1977 after the release of the original film Star Wars. It was followed by the sequels The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, and Star Wars: The Force Awakens along with its spin-offs Star Wars: The Clone Wars and Rogue One. A female Reddit user confessed that she thinks about Star Wars during s*x. She also admitted that she mentally listed all the characters in Star Wars and the actors who played them. By the way, she didn’t receive any comments on her post. What a way to describe your desires. I’ll put it that way.

#5 Sandwiches A sandwich tends to be loaded with carbohydrates, but it’s a common lunch food nonetheless. A sandwich consists of two or more slices of bread with one or more fillings between them. A variation of the sandwich—an open-faced sandwich—consists of a single slice of bread with one or more fillings on top. Fun fact: The sandwich was named after British statesman John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. A female Reddit user made a detailed confession. She wrote, “if i have already c*m & am working on getting him off my attention is mostly on him…mostly. in the back of my mind, i am thinking of what kind of sandwich i want to make when im done. i always need a good sandwich after s*x or a pot roast :p” It seems like the user likes to plan meals ahead of time to stick to her diet and lose weight, or she just really likes food.

#6 Kissing Kissing is the simplest act of romance, yet it can also be equally erotic and sensual. A kiss is the touch or pressing of one’s lips against another person or an object. In this case, kissing is between two people, and it can include a slight touch or contact. There will be times when negative thoughts or doubts will creep into the female mind when she’s kissing her partner. A female Reddit user supposedly didn’t stop all the negative thoughts before they affected her. She confessed in a mini rant, saying, “Why the f*ck doesn’t he compliment me? He’s just focused in kissing my neck. Does that mean that my neck is sexy or that the rest of my body is horrible? And what does he think about my legs? Are they more attractive than his previous lover?” Although one should never be completely silent during s*x, there’s no need to ask a lot of questions. It’s as bad as a dentist asking you questions while their fingers are in your mouth.

#7 Asthma Inhalers Asthma inhalers can save one’s life. They’re the most important medication for the majority of people suffering with asthma. These inhalers prevent asthma attacks and reduce swelling and mucus production in one’s airways. As a result, one’s airways become less sensitive and less likely to react to asthma-related triggers and cause asthma symptoms. There are four types of inhalers—Short-acting brochodilators, long-acting brochodilators, anticholinergic bronchodilators, and bronchdilator theophylline. Everyone needs to know their own asthma needs. A female Reddit user confessed that she forgot to use her inhaler before s*x. She wrote, “I should probably grab my inhaler. wheeeeeeezeeee.” S*x should be enjoyable, but it can trigger asthma attacks or allergic reactions among susceptible victims. Inhalers aren’t sexy, but taking one or two puffs shortly before the encounter could prevent the dreaded asthma symptoms. It has been reported that more than two-thirds of people with asthma have said that their disease got in the way of their s*x lives. Don’t let that happen to you…ever!

#8 Paying The Bills Paying bills is a chore for most people. Aside from the wealthiest one percent, we’d all love to have the chance to spend some cash on ourselves as well as our loved ones. Bills can affect a person’s mental health and cause mood disorders such as anxiety and depression. On top of that, extra payments like credit card debt, college loans, and medical bills can intensify the existing situation. If you have borrowed money to pay those bills, you might’ve fallen into debt and were succumbed to all sorts of problems that have nothing to do with finances. A female Reddit confessed to having a passing thought to remember the pay the bills. She bluntly wrote, “If I paid the bills.” in response to a thread asking women what they think about during s*x. The need to pay bills is an important task on one’s to-do list. That being said, it should never be ignored. But, stress can affect your s*x life, and it’s always best to communicate about it.

#9 Their Partner’s Body Doing the deed can be extremely awkward. But once you’re comfortable with your partner’s body, everything will be alright. Each person’s body goes through a range of changes during s*x. Scientists have categorized the body’s process into four stages—arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Each stage includes its own set of changes; some of which can be significant. A female Reddit user confessed that she thought of her partner’s body while doing it. She wrote, “I observe my partner and try to figure out what his body language is telling me, because for a chick, it’s pretty simple—that one angle, position and speed and you’re off in 5-8 minutes. If it’s anything else, I can go for up to an hour or more.” The user is doing the right thing as she’s paying attention to her partner’s body in order to have the best possible s*x, plus the adrenaline will cause her heart rate to rise.

#10 If Their Partner Is Enjoying It Okay, this is another example that may hint at low self-esteem, but it’s worth the mention because s*x is like oxygen, and you don’t know what you got until it’s gone. You really don’t. A female Reddit user confessed that she never really thinks about anything during s*x, just enjoys the moment, and hope her partner does too. She wrote, “I’m never usually thinking, just enjoying. Maybe sometimes he wants to switch up positions or he can let me know if something hurt.” This isn’t a bad thing because the user is being thoughtful and considerate towards her partner. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her. We all know that doing the deed feels amazing, so why overthink while doing the x-rated deed? Getting to a level where you’re s*xually comfortable with your partner is quite the feat. It’s all part of the fun. From there, it will only get better between the duo.

#11 How Good Every Thrust Feels To thrust is to go in and out of a woman’s V really fast. It’s a way to increase pleasure and last longer in bed. It’s all about the speed, depth, and rhythm. With each thrust, a woman’s s*xual pleasure increases as thousands of nerves are stimulated. Many women prefer the harder type of thrusting because it helps them become more relaxed and aroused. A female Reddit user confessed that she loves her partner’s thrusts. She wrote, “How much I love him and how good every thrust feels! Sometimes I do worry if I am doing a good job or if I look good while we’re at it.” Alright, the user’s statement wasn’t completely positive, but dealing with low self-esteem is another thing. The main thing is that she loves her partner’s body and his thrusts in and out of her. That being said, the couple seems to have incredibly strong emotional and s*xual connections with each other.

#12 Making Sure Their Partner’s Needs Are Met Emotional hunger can occur when one or both partners aren’t getting their core emotional needs met. What can make this situation knotty is that you don’t know what those needs are without communicating, unless if you’re psychic and have the ability to read minds. A female Reddit user confessed to wondering if her husband’s needs are met. She wrote, “My priority is making sure my husband’s needs are met. That way, I don’t feel guilty about what I’m doing to his body at the moment.” The user’s husband may have met her needs, but she doesn’t know if she fulfilled his needs. Since she’s in bed with her husband, she may not be able to communicate clearly, depending on the fact if he minds or doesn’t mind talking during s*x. That’s why she’s thinking about his needs until she has some time to talk things out with him after making observations.

#13 The Person They’re Doing It With Focus is a very important thing. If you’re spending all your time thinking about other things and never just focusing on the person you’re having s*x with, then that’s the issue. To focus is to concentrate, and without focus, there’s no real satisfaction in the process. Of course, there are going to be times where one or both partners’ train of thoughts will divert, but they’ll be fine as long as they both want to have a good time. A female Reddit user confessed that she only thinks about the person she’s having s*x with and nobody else. She wrote, “I only ever think about the person I am having s*x with. How they look, feel, sweat, smell, c*m, taste, kiss, sound etc…” The user clearly stays in the moment, which is a good thing. After all, s*x is like a conversation that consists of bodies instead of words. It’s important for both partners to think about what they can do to make themselves even closer to each other.

#14 Angles No, not the angles that teachers and students use in mathematics. The angle is arguably very important during s*x because it’s an open secret to more intense, enjoyable s*x. Some women think about angles while in bed, especially if they’re insecure. A female Reddit user said that her thoughts differed depending on who’s in charge in the bedroom. She wrote, “Depends who is in charge. If he is, I’m thinking about his rhythm and how he feels inside me, thinking of I can get a better angle, the noises we’re making and my breathing. If I’m in charge I’m thinking about getting myself off, and hoping I look good while doing so.” Low self-esteem can make or break a naughty encounter. S*x can accomplish many different purposes, but the user doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself while spending time with her partner. She’s actually thinking about every little movement, and that can raise an issue if it hasn’t already.

#15 “Dead Puppies” By Dr. Demento Here’s another blast from the past. The song “Dead Puppies” actually originated from a radio show called Dr. Demento. The main host of the show is Baret Eugene “Barry” Hansen, better known as Dr. Demento. He came up with the persona of Dr. Demento while working at Pasadena-based radio station KPPC, which is now defunct. He included offbeat novelties in his rock oldies that generated positive responses from his listeners. This led to him being able to turn it into an all-novelty show. The show lasted until 2011. A female Reddit user confessed that she thought of “Dead Puppies” by Dr. Demento during the deed. Why? Because it’s the only way to not let the first one off too fast. Another user commented on the post saying that it was a great song to listen to. Perhaps the user didn’t enjoy the deed she had with her partner because dead puppies aren’t much fun.

Source: TheRichest

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