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#i hate that i know so many sad SAD songs
jimmymcchill · 2 years
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latest addition to my playlist songs that specifically talk about mcwexler breaking up and make me feel sick:
In all good faith and sentiment
I can't believe somehow
That I haven't died of grief or something
Since you left this town
I'm all undecorated, cigarettes
And standard white apartment walls
At three AM and four AM
It's impossible to sleep
I'd do anything to hold you
And feel you next to me
But I'm all sore eyes and beasts
At my back door, pulling out their claws
So yes I will take those
Whatever else they give me
If it stops the nightmares
It probably won't kill me
And if I slow it down I'll end up on one of my accusers' knives
So I only stop to tell her that I love her at the red lights
And all in all, I'm wrecked you see
From years of piping down
And piping up about the things
That never mattered anyhow
When you change too much you lose yourself
And sometimes you just can't get them back
And you might be an angel or devil I don't know
But if in fact you are now love
Well I've been there before
I've fallen on my face
And I've been burned so near to death I probably won't live through it
Anyhow
So yes I will take those
Whatever else they give me
If it stops the nightmares
It probably won't kill me
And if I slow it down I'll end up on one of my accusers' knives
So I only stop to tell her that I love her at the red lights
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iwantyoursexmp3 · 3 months
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last post but ive been thinking about sharing grief anyway because i do want to share lover boy, not publish it but talk about it publicly as i think it tells an important story but also I am so proud of it I would let my friends read the whole draft when I finish it because I think it is doing what I want it to do so well….it’s so emotionally complex and honest…but there is always that apprehension because it is so brutally honest about grief and terminal illness and end of life care and being around a dying person, which im very desensitised to because it was my normal but i know for some people who haven’t experienced it that can be really daunting and strange and scary, esp if you grew up in a culture that treats death as taboo. which lover boy also seeks to tear that idea apart. but like some of my favourite scenes are the ones where a character is actively dying because of how nuanced those scenes are. im not even triggered by it because i think it captures that experience so well at least from my experience. and whilst ive worked to make sure bobby is not defined by his illness and death it is a major part of him and some of my favourite parts of his character are related to it!! like at the end of his life all he wanted to do was eat grape popsicles and watch the muppets with his friends and i think that is such a sweet showcase of him but also a really interesting characterisation insight. and i want to be able to talk about that as i would any other character without worrying about whether or not people will be normal about it…bc some people really aren’t normal about death and grief. it’s a sad story but that doesn’t mean there is only sadness to focus on…I think i am just going to go for it and be #honest and #real and set the example i want to set and the people who treat grief and death with the delicacy but also normalcy it deserves get access to the sexiest novel of all time
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twistedappletree · 9 months
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one day, i hope you say
i’m the one who almost got away
until we meet again,
i hope this letter never sent.
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userastarion · 2 years
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stephen sondheim was such a fucking legend and his music is SO complex and raw and honest and emotional through the stories he told, and it makes me incredibly sad that soooo many young people will just. not hear it.
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robertsbarbie · 2 years
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I’ve never been more in love with an album
cant relate the debut is superior
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baby-prophet · 3 months
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ahh my first show is tomorrow and i dont know what im doing about it!!!!!
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noxtivagus · 1 year
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suteki da ne
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#🌙.rambles#yk that twt acc w final fantasy music. THE SONGS. REMIND ME. FINAL FANTASY MEANS SO MUCH TO ME FR#shaped so much of my identity n my personality n wtvr man. the lyrics of suteki da ne r so personal to me for some reason. idk#ff for the dreamers fr but it has rlly contributed in making me a hopeless romantic even more back then n#GUYS I HATE FEBRUARY N 14TH SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME THINK OF THESE STUFF AGAIN#hmm.. maybe i'm sad n maybe i'm hiding a lot more than it seems . (just a maybe for sure. hahahaha definitely not surely nah haha. hahaha.)#suteki da ne is so. special to me tho. like from start to end. N THEN THE CONTEXT W TIDUS N YUNA N I KNOW SPOILERS TOO SO. 😭😭#gna project that on my own ocs too !!!! i wna write of them more bcs i have so many ideas here n there#several ending ideas or wtvr bcs i love imagining it as a video game. n. hmm. star-crossed lovers but end up being destined together#themes like. freedom n birds n the moon themes n yk i'll make the color blue have a special meaning. dreams wishes psychology ideals#ideals reality mythology stuff like that r some keywords they've just. yk always meant a lot to me ever since i was young. ^^ n more.#SUTEKI DA NE HAS LOTS OF THEM UWAHH n while water has always been my fav from. those elements n being yk a water sign ig.#.. growing up i have a lot of memories of vacations on beaches w my family. the sand n the breeze n the waves by my feet#hehe. really grew up swimming a lot too. nearly drowned once but i've never been afraid of the water.#i'm rambling abt myself again but what do i have to be sorry for if this is my space anyways? but uh. i overshare on social media ik 🥹#but. rambling gives me comfort. i want to put out as much as i can into this world before i make my leave.#which DW WILL HOPEFULLY not be anytime soon. life's hard but i'll make it through the very end. & i'll do as much as i can fr.#when i. finally write those stories.. it's just. lovely to imagine how the ppl who personally know me wld understand n see myself in them.#expression of self through. many mediums such as different kinds of art is so special to me. i love to express myself n i equally love to#yk see others too. see them for who they really are and love them and understand them as much as i can.#probably bcs i want that myself too. n i crave n desire it myself too but it makes me happy n. yh so happy beyond words to#..just. live with others in that way? with ppl beside me or even just.. watching them.. though#hang on i'll ramble again but goddamn i write so much ig bcs i want to be understood so badly. i. really need that sincerity n communicatio#n authenticity w others for it to be. really real? life.. i can't put it into words rn but literally just in one word that holds so much.#life. yeah. hang on i still have assignments to do T_T n i ended up rambling sm but. i'll stop overthinking it.#nothing to be insecure abt w your own self unless it hmm. help no i won't ramble about that rn either but rn for me#just for me i know enough to say that i shouldn't have to be afraid. with the way i see the world i know there's so much more meaning n#maybe.. nah not maybe. fuck if hope's 'naive' as aymeric says as well. personally no matter what i'll stick to myself. hold true to that.#n my determination with this will never be half-assed n. help i'll stop now fr but i feel better now c:#BACK TO SUTEKI DA NE THOUGH. FROM END TO START FR 🥹 HELP NO START TO END I MEAN. 🥺🫶🏼
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sflow-er · 9 months
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So many thoughts on the fabulous Barbie film, but especially on how anyone who thinks it’s “hateful towards men” clearly isn’t getting the message.
SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT
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[Credit for both gifs goes to their makers!!]
I mean... Ken’s arc is secondary to Barbie’s, and rightly so. This is her film, and her message deserves to be the main takeaway.
That being said, I just find it really sad that the people who could’ve definitely used the point of Ken’s arc just let it go right over their heads. Maybe it’s because they aren’t great at reading subtext, or because they just balk at anything presented as feminist, I don’t know.
Because to me, Ken’s arc is about as far from “hateful towards men” as you can get. It’s a multi-layered depiction of how restrictive, outdated views of masculinity can hold men back and make them susceptible to harmful ideologies that promise easy solutions for all their problems but only make those problems worse and hurt others around them.
The first layer is an allegory for real men don’t show their feelings. In the movie, this is represented by Ken’s need to look tough and cool all the time, and to keep his insecurities and sadness bottled up. Barbieland is a utopia where being happy is a social norm, and the main Barbie also starts to struggle with that. The difference is that she eventually tells her friends, and they all support her. Ken just puts pressure on himself not to look weak - in front of Barbie, or in front of the other Kens.
Which brings us to the second level: a competitive and inherently hostile view of the other Kens, aka. toxic male relationships. Some of them are friends, and all of them work together for a while to build the Patriarchy, but they don’t actually bond for real. Even their boys’ nights are mainly about getting back at the Barbies for all their girls’ nights (which really were about bonding). When push comes to shove, the Kens still see each other as competition, which is one of the reasons why the Barbies are able to play them against each other.
Another reason is the third layer: the idea that Ken only has value if Barbie loves and admires him. It starts out as unrequited love that makes you feel sorry for him...until he turns bitter. He basically starts on the path that could lead him down the incel/mra rabbit hole and into a mindset where Barbie owes him love and admiration and the relationship he wants in exchange for his devotion to her. He decides that everything would be better if Barbies were subservient to Kens, but of course that’s not true. None of the Barbies’ newfound admiration for their Kens is real, and his own Barbie still rejects him.
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All this is of course underpinned by the final layer, which is Ken’s lack of self-respect and sense of purpose. He’s got a pointless job, he’s not particularly qualified for anything, and he just feels kind of lost in Barbieland - a society run by successful Barbies who are living up to their full potential. That’s why he gets so caught up in the idea of the Patriarchy, which is supposed to make him successful, get others to respect him, and give him a sense of purpose. (This can be generalised to all kinds of harmful ideologies in the real world, e.g. the alt-right movement.)
However, the success he achieves is superficial and not based on any real passion; he even admits that he wasn’t happy in his new position and already lost interest in the ideology. The (forced) respect of others does feel good for a while, but it only goes so far. At heart, the whole thing is still mostly about his feelings of inferiority and unrequited love for Barbie, and instituting this harmful new system did not resolve those for him.
So what does? In essence, breaking out of all these harmful patterns and internalising the idea that he is enough.
He ends up reflecting on his feelings, finally puts them to words (or rather, song and dance), and manages to connect with the other Kens through those feelings. He even cries in relief and acknowledges that it doesn’t make him weak. He and Barbie finally have a proper talk, he lets go of their (non-)relationship, and he listens when she says he needs to figure out his real self. He starts to see himself not through his job, his girlfriend, or even his competition with the other Kens, but as just Ken, who is enough.
I honestly can’t think of a less hateful message to send men and boys.
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kiss-me-muchoo · 4 months
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𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐩, 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐞 || 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐠!𝐂𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐮𝐬 𝐒𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫
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part one: stop, you’re losing me || part two: in the trees, in the breeze
𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲_ Coriolanus Snow had once a sweet girlfriend that helped him in his darkest days. Until he betrayed her and on the post-Hunger Games celebration, he gave her all the reasons to leave him. Not without causing her a breakdown that makes him regret everything.
𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬_ capitol ballerina!reader, soft!Coryo at the beginning, slight canon divergence, manipulation, sex implied, violence, reader has a mental breakdown that ends in tragedy, if you don’t want to read about mental health, beware!!!!!!
𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞_ I had to split this into two parts. Next part will be slowburn, early politician!Coryo realising he married a half rebel woman and many many dramaaaa. Songs for this: Stop, you’re losing me and tírate lol.
♪ ♫ awful Coriolanus Snow playlist ✰ Index (+ fics here)
__________________________________________________________________________
It wasn’t possible. But Coriolanus could swear that even days after, the smell of fresh paint was still lingering on the air of his penthouse. Maybe because the smell was actually gone since a week ago, but he refused to let go the memory of you and your face with splotches of paint.
On a bright winter morning, you appeared early with buckets of paint. Tigris insisted that none of the Snows could accept the offer, saying it was too much. The walls were full of humidity, paint falling by itself. You could see the sadness on Grandma’am, she was a patriotic woman, but that didn’t stop her to miss the days before the war, where the penthouse was bright and full of life.
Through a peaceful argument, as Tigris insisted on not taking the buckets of paint, you had already opened one and with a big brush, you splashed a wall from the entrance. The new color was shiny on top of the old layer, and it brought a giant smile to the elder woman.
Coriolanus had so much fun, thinking his girlfriend was the best and listening to the old radio as both of you painted the whole place.
Now, the place was still a mess, but the bright olive-green walls made it better.
It had been a thing of destiny that you appeared on the second year of the Academy. You were a loner, always choosing to work on your own for projects. During lunch, you only had two girlfriends, and Coriolanus was able to see that you laughed so hard every time you were with them. He also learned you had a dark humor, making fun of everyone. Like the school staff, Arachne Crane, other classmates, even the president. He grew curious of you. And one random day, after only you and Coriolanus where the only people missing a partner, a teacher matched you two.
Some months later, you discovered about his financial situation. And Coriolanus had been so scared, thinking you would share the secret and ruin his life. But the next morning, you handed him half of your lunch, knowing he was starving, because at the time, the Academy didn’t offered lunch yet.
The act made Coriolanus Snow realize he could trust you. You met his cousin and grandmother, bringing a giant box full of pastries as a present for them.
Tigris was at the verge of tears and immediately thought you were the one for her little cousin.
Soon it became real. After you turned seventeen, he asked if you wanted to be his girlfriend.
“CORYO! IT’S ABOUT TO START! HURRY UP!” Tigris shouted from the kitchen. He sighed, only to end up coughing.
“ALMOST DONE!” He shouted back. His wet hair making him shiver, rapidly wandering across his room to find his body lotion. Eucalyptus. Coriolanus used to hate the smell of eucalyptus. But he started liking the odor since you had a candle made of it in your room. A little after, you gifted him a lotion and perfume of eucalyptus.
Only that Coriolanus couldn’t smell since his nose was congested. He caught a flu, and while he was feeling better, he was still struggling to inhale and breathe properly.
“IF YOU ARE NOT HERE IN THE FOLLOWING FIVE MINUTES, I’M COMING TO GET YOU!” Coriolanus giggled at his cousin threatening him. After putting on a warm sweater and some dressing pants, he came out of his room.
His family was already gathered in the living room, with the tv on. He turned to the dining table, looking at the bouquet of white and red roses, he smiled, hoping you would be happy to see them. Spring was around the corner, the firsts flowers from his grandmother’s top garden had bloomed. At the same time, your first-year anniversary with the young Snow was coming.
The annual gala of arts had existed since the first days of Panem. With music, sculpture, paint, drama and dance performances. It used to be private, then the war happened, and it was suspended. And now, it had been five years since it started to be a show anyone with a tv could see.
Your father was the owner of production establishments of Panem, who happened to have married a famous dancer, also owner of the biggest dance company in the Capitol. No clue how you turned out to be a wonderful sight on stage.
And that’s why Coriolanus was expected to come and see the tv. You were about to perform in the gala.
“Who’s out now?” He asked, sitting beside Tigris.
Grandma’am was crocheting something pink and the whole place was cold as the North Pole.
“A girl from District 1.” Before meeting you, Coriolanus had less than the slight knowledge on dance styles. He just knew it was mostly for women, with exorbitant gowns and shoes that seemed pretty. However, the girl on the screen was dancing with bare feet, along a man.
Some weeks after Coriolanus accepted he had feelings for you, he questioned if it was a good idea to join your mother’s dance company so that you would fall easily for him. It wasn’t necessary because you liked him as soon as he made you smile and laugh.
“Oh Coryo! She’s next!” Tigris said, taking his hand while looking nervously at the tv. Coriolanus always thought Tigris was a worrier most of the time, she always got so into her job, always thinking of what if. Seconds later, you appeared, immediately Grandma’am started to cheer and say out loud how beautiful you looked. Red and black dress with a ruffled tutu, your pink thighs and pointe shoes in a perfectly hidden ribbon. And a red flower with feathers and sequins in your head that had Tigris worried about. She made the headpiece for you. And she feared it would fall from your head. Coriolanus soothed her before coming back to smile like an idiot on the tv.
That was his girlfriend. He had literally pulled one of the most beautiful, if not the most perfect girl of Panem.
The music started and it was a delight for him. He always enjoyed classical music. And the one you danced along was a little faster and vivid than usual, making it impossible to keep any eye in any other place but you and your cocky smile.
Coriolanus knew you had an ego. And he loved to fuel it by saying how gorgeous you were all the time. So, he couldn’t wait for you to arrive on his door. Even when he pleaded you not to come, since he didn’t want to be a contagious asset for you. You hadn’t care, bringing some medicines, chicken broth soup and a lot of mint to help with his congestion the day before.
That’s why he felt even more empowered to keep going and win that prize. It was announced before the winter break and the holidays. He promised himself to win so he could become someone. Enough greater to make him worthy from having you. Because now at eighteen, he aspired to be in your life forever.
So, as you shined on that stage, spinning and standing on pointe, Coriolanus mentally repeated that he loved you. He said it occasionally to you, but most of the time he preferred saying it by holding your hand, kissing you and helping with your homework. Sometimes he wondered what true love was. If he was a capable of giving that to you. He wasn’t able to give you presents, only a tiny bouquet of flowers from his grandma’am. He couldn’t take you out on dates to fancy restaurants, not even offering you to stay for dinner in his place. Your dates where on his old rooftop, your bedroom or patio. Unlike you, who came every Friday after school with food for the family. You constantly gifted little things, like perfumes, a new shirt, anything to make his life easier.
His smile only grows bigger as your performance is about to be over. He admires the way your body is able to be so flexible and consistent. He had also seen the pain behind looking like an elegant feather. Some afternoons when he visited your room, you were tired, soaking your feet in warm water to soothe the ache.
But for now, he treasures the image of your smile as you make some reverence, ending your presentation.
“Oh dear… She was perfect!” Grandma’am said happily, with the round of applause on the tv in the background.
“And the headpiece survived the whole time!” Coriolanus rolled his eyes, smiling at his cousin.
As his family talked about your dress and the investments of your parents, the blonde boy returned to see the flower bouquet.
He really hoped you would love them, that you hadn’t turned bored of only receiving flowers from him.
One day, he would buy you expensive jewelry. He would give you the finest dinners and he would find the most beautiful house around the area for you. Only that way he would feel worthy of having you. Only that way he would find appropriate to call you his in all matters.
For now, he was just hanging there. Doing everything to win that prize. Giving you the least he had and shyly accepting all the things you provided him. That’s how he knew you truly loved him. You cared for his family and him. And Coriolanus swore nobody on earth would care that much for him like you.
Making it the main reason why he knew he had to rush it. He had to give you everything.
Not that you minded.
As you encouraged the family driver; Trevor, to take the route he considered most convenient to make it faster to your boyfriend’s place. You smile.
Oh, how you loved your boy.
You loved greeting him with a kiss on the lips followed by little pecks around. He giggled, probably believing you were so silly, but he would lean to kiss you so deeply again.
“We’re almost there, miss” you nod, looking through the window.
“Thank you, Trevor.”
“Should I wait or send Roger to pick you up late?” Roger was your father’s bodyguard. He was tasked to take care of you for his night shift sometimes. You liked Trevor better; he was a kind man of family. You had met his wife and beautiful daughters, sending them presents for their birthdays.
“Not sure yet. But you can go home and rest. It’s Friday and you need to be with your family, Trevor” he smiled, thinking how sweet you were. He cared a lot for you, almost like another daughter.
“Your mother won’t be happy. She was already irritated that you left the gala so early…”
“Don’t worry. I’ll figure it out” with that being said, he parked outside of the building. Trevor handed you some bags, full of food, wood and other things. Then your ballet bag. Ready to leave. The whole day, after leaving the Academy, you were only lounging to finish with the gala to went straight to your man’s arms.
“If anything, you call me. Alright?” You smile nodding at the man.
“Alright.” After a exchange of smiles, you wave him goodbye, and he disappears through the empty street.
It was a cloudy day, Lucky Flickerman said it was going to be a thunderstorm night at the Capitol. Gripping your coat tightly, you enter the building.
The door suddenly is open, and Coriolanus hears your voice calling from the entrance.
“Where’s everyone?” Tigris volts out from the living room, hurrying to greet you.
“But of course, we were watching you on the tv. Where else?” You laugh, hugging the young woman.
Then Grandma’am also joins to greet, saying you are gorgeous on stage.
“And where’s my boy?” You asked, wandering around. Coriolanus finally appears from the hallway with a smile. You could tell he had showered. His curls looked softer than ever.
He wants to laugh; you are still on thighs. With some black heels, and he can see a tutu under your coat.
Tigris and the elder woman decide to take the food to serve dinner, leaving you and your boyfriend alone. Both of you hear them saying how thankful they were to have food another week.
You open your arms, and he goes straight to hug you. Your hands cradle his face before standing on your tip toes to kiss him.
“How are you feeling?” He seemed to look and feel better. Apparently, the medicines worked.
“A lot better…”
“I missed you.” He also did. If his health hadn’t been compromised, he would’ve attended the gala with you.
“Me too. But you should have stayed home.” It had been a rough week at the Academy, the rehearsals for the gala, acting as a nurse for your sick boyfriend.
“We always spend Fridays together, silly.” He doesn’t deserve you.
“You were beautiful today. Although… you’re always perfect.” You blush, kissing his cheek before following him inside his penthouse.
The smell of mashed potatoes, the piece of ham you brought, and bread fill the place. It had been a little while since Coriolanus could only smell the boiled cabbage and hear his stomach painfully churning.
When you enter the room, you see the big bouquet of roses. You turn to see Coriolanus in disbelief, smiling.
“I hope you like them” the jar is old, but it looks amazing with the perfectly accommodated flowers. Your fingers gently grasp the soft petals. You are so in love with him.
“I will never get tired of this. I love them!” You turn around and Coriolanus sees your face full of adoration. You literally jump to kiss him. Always being received by the passionate yet slow and delicate of his kisses. One hand gently on your neck while the other rested on your cheek. Some strands of his blonde curls brushing against your forehead as your heels make it slightly even when it comes to height.
“Look at them. My future president of Panem and his First Lady.” Tigris giggles at her grandmother, but smiles deeply, happy to see her little cousin in love. And extremely thankful that he found a warm and generous woman like you to have in his life. Because in her head, Coriolanus deserved better.
“Let’s just pray that they graduate for now, Grandma’am.” She adds grabbing the old porcelain plates they have to serve the food.
And it’s a thunder what startles you, squirming away from your boyfriend. He laughs, holding you closer again after seeing you got scared.
“It’s raining!” Tigris announces from the kitchen.
“Guess you’ll have to stay the night.” His cheeky smile makes you gently push him. Your mother was going to be mad. But Tigris would intervene and say it was okay.
It wasn’t the first time you stayed though.
There are at least six candles around the room. The temperature decreased significantly after dinner. The water you used to clean the dishes was almost freezing. And Coriolanus wanted to die out of embarrassment when you started heating water on the fireplace to take a shower.
You had said it was nothing and that you don’t mind. But still, he felt so wrong.
Now, he was seating against the head of his bed. Watching how you curated your swollen feet. You pinched some blisters with a needle that had carefully been burned with a match. And now, it was time to put some cream and finally wrap the area with bandages.
“Does it hurt a lot?” He asked.
“Not much. I’m used to it now” you replied without looking at him. Still concentrated on your feet.
“I’m sorry about the water.” You frown, finally turning to see him.
“Why do you keep apologizing?” He shrugs, slightly irritated.
“Because I wish I could give you more and I can’t.” he didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but he does. Your lips form a line, before crawling until you mere kneeling bedside him on the bed.
“I hate to see you doing things you don’t have the necessity to do so. I hate not being able to treat you like my girlfriend and more like friend. I want to give you the world and I can’t.”
“Coriolanus… Look at me.” You take his hand, and with the other, you are tracing invisible line on his chin with your thumb. He looks at you, eyes slightly watered, making your heart swell for him.
“Life could’ve been so different, I could’ve been in your position, and you in mine.” He closes his eyes, thinking about his terrible luck.
“You charmed me before I knew everything about you. You know it, right?” He nods, tilting his head just to feel more of your touch. In response, you are again grabbing his cheeks.
“You have to let me help you now. That’s what couples do. They help each other. One day you’ll be able to give me anything you want. But for now, I will give you anything just to not see you struggling. Nor your family” your forehead is brushing his, and he can only attempt to nod as you speak.
“And remember, my love. You already make me happy. I’m already proud of you.” He doesn’t cry, but he’s at the verge of. He just hides his face on your neck. And there’s a wet spot on your skin, but you don’t say anything, you just tighten your embrace of him, smiling as you kiss his hair.
“I love you.” He says and it surprises you. While you know he loves you, you are aware that he’s not used to say it very often.
“I love you too, Coryo.”
He promises himself that he will do everything in his will to chase power. To change his faith and give you what you deserve.
The thunderstorm was powerful enough to scare you once in a while. As you were playing cards with Coriolanus, he took your hand every time you got startled. Tigris said goodnight and suggested to keep the door unlocked. Making you blush and Coriolanus too.
“I’m bored.” You said, laying on your side, facing your boyfriend. He dropped his joint of card too, hand landing on your hip, caressing the skin.
“What do you want to do?” You notice the way he’s touching you. It’s slightly inappropriate and it makes you grin.
“You are already suggesting something” his eyes widened, embarrassment flooding him.
“I’m sorry” you chuckle, noticing how shy and insecure he could be.
“Don’t you want to?” It’s your next move what almost makes him choke. You move forward, taking a sit on his lap.
“Of course I want to. Just not here.” You roll your eyes, hands massaging his shoulders, making him groan in delight. Your cream nightgown had lifted, showing him your bare legs. The long sleeve felt so soft against his hands.
“As long as you’re with me, I don’t mind where we’re doing it.” He’s unsure, but he can feel himself getting hard. Finally, after months of having only the company of his hand, he could claim you. He doesn’t love that it’s going to happen in his old bed, in his messed-up room. But you look so gorgeous with bare light from the candles. Now half naked showing him for the first time your naked body.
“Are you sure?” He asks one last time, feeling a string of saliva connected between your lips and his. It’s dirty, messy and extremely erotic to be the first time.
“Believe me, nothing wakes up Tigris and Grandma’am. We’re safe…”
“Alright. I trust you, Coryo.”
“Good. Now get on your back and spread those legs for me.” His possessive side would always surprise you. But you enjoyed it. And now, as the thunderstorm keeps going you let his possessive side dominate you.
“God, I love you.” You say as he makes you believe the rain falling outside were actually stars.
“Look at the tragic lovers, already in pose for a war memorial portrait”. You roll your eyes at Arachne. You hear Felix, Festus and even Clemmie laughing along other classmates. Coriolanus ignores her, taking your hand, reassuring you. The building was getting crowded. The Reaping was around the corner, but you were only praying for your boyfriend. Hoping to leave the place with the prize on his hands.
“Careful, Arachne. One day they might have a portrait in the parliament building” Clemensia says giggling.
“How? Because Coriolanus would be Panem’s president and y/n as First Lady? Allow me to laugh…” you can listen to her annoying voice. Something you always wished was a good friendship with your classmates. But it was difficult. Arachne was very competitive and judgmental; Festus was tedious along Felix. Persephone was extremely quiet; Livia was too naïve. Only Clemensia and Sejanus seemed to be genuine with you.
“Who knows?” Sejanus spoke from the other side of rows, walking to seat beside Arachne and your boyfriend. You smiled at him, and he reciprocated it. Coriolanus was too lost on his thoughts to pay attention to the little argument. Until Sejanus tilted his head to whisper something to him.
“There is no prize anymore.” The blonde turns to look at him in confusion. But the ceremony has officially started. He feels you taking his hand in disguise. And it’s the only reason why he feels less nervous.
Until Dean Highbottom reveals the sudden changes, which makes your heart pound faster. And without a warning, the listing of tributes begins. You look away when you see the little girl named Wovey being focused on camera, the sadness and uneasy churn in your stomach hitting you by the end of District 11 tributes.
And finally, the songbird is paired with Coriolanus.
He sees the way you frown, cringed by her singing. Even when she had a wonderful voice, it was unexpected and certainly odd for some. Then, he sees you cover your mouth in disbelief when she curses on the microphone. Coriolanus can’t tell, but he assumes it’s gonna be a little difficult to deal with that girl. Seeing zero chances to win.
Then he realised the tributes were mentioned. The Reaping had finished.
It’s over. Everyone has a tribute except for you. Dean Highbottom resumes the listing walking away, making you turn to see him, raising your hand immediately. Ready to ask questions.
“Put your hand down, Miss y/l/n. It’s not a mistake the order of the listing” you hear Dr. Gaul saying firmly. When you turn around, she’s there, offering a cold yet deep look with her unmatched eye irises.
Slowly, your hand goes down, laying on your lap, slightly shaking.
“Your parents have been generous enough to become official sponsors of the games.” Voices echo across the room, gossiping about the news. Even for you, this was a surprise.
Coriolanus looks at you but doesn’t say anything. He just wondered how much this would make your family richer.
“The mentors have to make their tributes a spectacle. But your task is to make all of the 10th Hunger Games a massive spectacle. Propaganda, production and strategy…” your face goes pale. But you dare to question it.
“Is this some type of punishment?” Gaul laughs, offering a genuine smile later, her hands together, like she was comfortable on her spot.
“Consider this your admission test. You won’t be fighting for the prize, but this would give you enough honors to automatically join the best branches of the Capitol’s University.” Quietly, you nod under the curious look of your classmates. The look of Arachne full of envy, Clemensia confused, Sejanus doubting. And your dear Coriolanus, he was happy to be honest. You could easily make his tribute look presentable so he could win. He would get the prize, get into university, become a political figure if not president and finally give you anything he couldn’t before.
But for now, the ceremony is over. You say goodbye to your friends, and you walk with Coriolanus, he takes your hand and together leave the place.
Your vision looks lost, but seemingly focused on the cracked floor. Coriolanus had been looking at you, he crossed his arms, but still nothing. Your heels were scattered, but you looked very comfortable at the edge of his bed.
“What’s on your mind, sweets?” You feel the cushions sinking beside you, his palm goes to rub your back, taking you back to reality.
“I don’t want the weight of all those upcoming deaths on me. On making it an entertainment…” rarely you spoke about the games or politics with your boyfriend. Mostly it was about university, future plans, music, and random pieces of your lives.
“It won’t be your fault, y/n. This will prove to everyone in the Capitol how worthy you are” he tries to soothe you.
“Still. While I do believe we deserve peace and to gain the respect the First Rebellion took from us, I do believe that putting some children to kill each other in the arena each year isn’t going to make a change” he sighed.
“That little girl…” he had seen the kid. But he grew indifferent to that, he was only focused on winning, and he was going to try to psyche you into the same.
“What terrifies you so much?” He asks, finally making you look at him in the eye.
“I have a bad feeling, Coryo. Like everything is gonna go down bad” you admit. You couldn’t tell if it was the change, your new task or Lucy Gray Baird. You were avoiding being judgmental, but as soon as you saw what she did with that snake, your initial thought was that she was a problem.
“None of that. You are making this Hunger Games unforgettable; I’m winning the prize. And that’s it, we will go to university together and make all those things we’ve talked about. That’s all that matters, y/n. Right?” It’s inevitable, you know it’s some sort of manipulation.
He does it with good intentions, but you don’t like it.
“I will give my best to make this whole thing memorable. I will try to make your songbird win. But none of this will wash away the guilt.”
Before the moment can get uncomfortable, Tigris enters the room. She smiles before standing against the little desk Coriolanus had.
“How was it? Tell me everything” she’s anxious to know everything, but for sure knows Coriolanus didn’t get the prize.
“We’ll give you the details in the table. But for now, I’m mentoring the tribute from District 12. y/n is in charge of the game's propaganda” her blonde brows furrow.
“The girl who singed?” Both of you nod. She sighs, crossing her arms.
“This isn’t what was supposed to happen…” Tigris adds. Again, you let yourself fall against the mattress, covering your face.
“Making the games’ an spectacle. What were they thinking?” Coriolanus exchanged looks with Tigris. She understood his look. Mentally telling him to give you some female soothing advice. She decided then to take seat too. You end up sandwiched between them.
It’s her hand brushing some hairs away your neck and face. Tigris had always treated you like family. And that’s why you felt more guilty. Because you wanted Coriolanus to win so badly, to help his family but you also thought about the tributes. About making their deaths some type of entertainment for everyone to watch.
“Sounds unfair. A lot of things from the Capitol are wrong.” You nod. When you see them, you are received by the cousins giving you soothing looks.
“I just want this to be over…”
“It’ll pass. Everything will go great. You’re smart and very talented. And we’ll help you in everything we can” you have to give her a little hug.
“And I’ll help my boy too. That girl is going to be a problem” Coriolanus rolls his eyes, thinking the same as you.
“See? Let’s just be optimistic.” Tigris stands up excitedly, later looking for something on her dress pocket.
“Tigris. I’m making dinner. Do not boil any more cabbage” you giggle, and Coriolanus has to smile, admitting to himself that just by seeing you happy he felt better.
“No. You don’t have to.”
“Please. Just let me go for some groceries.” She nods shyly. Then she pulls out some little bag from the pocket.
“Fine. But you are taking these from now on…” she throws the bag and dissapears. When you look inside the bag, you take out a box of pills. Immediately your cheeks turn red.
“Oh my god” you hand the box to the boy.
“Oh…” they’re birth control pills.
Soon both of you start laughing before you have to give him a kiss. Probably it was for the best because Coriolanus Snow never pulled out. And luckily you weren’t pregnant yet.
“I’ll get the groceries from Trevor” he nods, watching you walk away.
You briefly stop after seeing the picture on a frame. Of Coriolanus as a baby and his mother carrying him. Beside that picture, there’s one you hadn’t seen before. It’s you, from the gala of last year. You wore a red dress with pink ribbons and long gloves that matched the gown. You are smiling, not at the camera.
You were smiling at Coriolanus, who had insisted the photographer to take a picture of only you.
The feeling of happiness, bliss and peace hit you, making it impossible to leave your boyfriend’s room without a giant smile.
Speaking out loud had never been your thing. You sucked for speeches, debates. Well, only to prepare for them. Your hands would shake, and your face would turn red. But at the moment to step into the highlight, you were wonderful.
And it was noticeable.
“Here I am with the lovely y/n y/l/n, who’s in charge of directing the course of this games this year. Tell me y/n, was your idea to bring the tributes to the zoo?”
“No. To be honest, my directing journey officially starts as soon as the tributes are here. For now, I’m not doing anything… Yet.” Lucky Flickerman laughs.
“Well… I believe this is going to be a heated road. Don’t you think so? OH-, forget about her opinion, no one cares. THE TRIBUTES ARE HERE!” You turn behind to look. The vehicle opened its doors and the tributes fell. But you have to move away from the cameras after seeing a red uniform of the Academy. What the hell was Coriolanus doing there?
He doesn’t notice you yet. But you are able to see him talking with the girl. You see Lucy Gray Baird in person for the first time. She’s very pretty, short as you and her dress is very pretty. That’s not the problem though. You don’t like the way Coriolanus leans to whisper to her something, then he pulls the rose on his uniform and pins it behind her ear. Hearing Lucky Flickerman calling them, the couple holds hands, and they start answering questions.
It’s just for the views. It’s just to win that damn prize. Relax… You can trust him.
When Lucy Gray starts talking with a girl, Coriolanus spots you. You can’t decipher his look, but he knows for sure you aren’t pleased. Your hands making fists against the fabric on your wide dressing pants.
As soon as the cameras are gone, you go on a straight line towards him.
“What the hell are you doing here?” He drops the songbird’s hand, looking seriously taken aback.
“I told you I was meeting my tribute” Lucy Gray looks intrigued by your sudden appearance. Your moles, orange makeup, heavy golden earrings and perfectly painted lips. You’re perfect.
“This is embarrassing. What are my parents going to think? This could get you into trouble, Coriolanus” he sighs. Takes your hand through the giant cage but you whisk away, looking very angry.
“I’m sorry. This is just… too much.” He will talk to you later, he knows you’re head is spinning. Probably the rose and taking the songbird’s hand wasn’t a good idea.
“This is Lucy Gray…” he introduces the girl. And you finally acknowledge her. You give her a fake smile, just trying to look calm and be polite. She only stares.
“Nice to meet you. I’m sorry this is the way were meeting” she looks proud, like the fact that you look gorgeous, and she had just been thrown into an animal cage wasn’t humbling for her.
“Aren’t you in charge of making this a good show? Like putting us here like we were some kind of animals?” She must hate the Capitol. And it pisses you off the way she’s talking to you. A hostile tone in disguise.
“I’m only working for this to get more views and get into Univeristy. Where etiquette and manners are taught with much emphasis. But I’m not the one doing the rules” you respond colder, giving a little hint that Lucy Gray needed to be refined. After that, you proceed to ignore her again.
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to get your back with Highbottom if anything happens” you whisper to the blonde, and before he can say anything you leave. You exchange some words with Flickerman and the camera production before leaving with them.
“Is that your girlfriend?” Lucy Gray asks. Coriolanus turns to see her.
“That’s my girlfriend.” His confirmation slightly surprised the girl. You seemed very… Capitol. Like the perfect match for him.
“She’s very pretty.” He wants to chuckle, but he only nods. In his mind, he wasn’t sure if Lucy gray meant it or if she was just trying to be sarcastic. Either way he doesn’t care much.
You’re perfect.
In your room, only the gentle morning breeze can be heard. You look at the balcony, looking at the mountains that surrounded the Capitol. It was summer, soon after fall began, the white would cover the city.
There’s a knock on your door and when you turn to see who it is, there is your mother.
“How did Coriolanus end up with the tributes?” You look away, already feeling ashamed.
“I don’t know, mother. He was supposed to meet the tribute at the train station. I don’t know how he ended up there…”
“It was a… messy entrance. But he seemed to have charmed the cameras on his favor. Don’t you think so?” Your mother liked your boyfriend, but sometimes she thought he had some secrets hidden, and that made you set some alarms. Probably because only, you knew about his financial problems.
“As it was expected. How do you think I felt when everyone knew he is my boyfriend? It was embarrassing.” She giggles, stepping inside of your room. Grabbing your perfectly ironed Academy uniform and accommodating the sleeves.
“I didn’t like the way he… forced that interaction with the girl.” You admit in a quiet tone.
“They were holding hands. He tucked his rose on her ear.” Your blood boils at the memory, making you groan in discontent.
“Yes.” You confirm to her.
“You’re jealous. And you shouldn’t be… Coriolanus loves you. Why would he even turn to look down at a dirty and disheveled girl from District 12? When he has you, a gorgeous and already successful young woman. Who’s capitol to his luck.” You smile. But the uncomfortable omen would have you spinning until the games were over.
“You can’t let any feelings get in the way of your task, my dear.” Says your father appearing at the door. You just stare at him.
“Let the boy play along the untidy girl for now. It will help to raise the views and create dubiety. You will complete your duty and that will make you memorable. As a daughter of mine and your mother we want you to exceed our accomplishments, this would be the first step. As soon as you make it, all the doors will be open for you. And the boy will be eating from the palm of your hand.” You know that’s not how it works, but he is right. As much as you wanted your boyfriend to win the games. You had to think on your own for the first time.
“You’re right.” Your dad smiles, only entering the room to leave a kiss on your head. Silently telling you how proud he is of you.
“Good. Now put some makeup and the uniform.” You nod at your mom, replying at her smile but feeling slightly empty on the inside.
Once again you have zoned out.
Coriolanus sees the way you are lost in your thoughts. As Dean Highbottom and Dr. Gaul are slightly debating after he was almost penalized for the zoo events, the gossip between the students doesn’t flush away easily.
You were quiet since that day. Same kisses, same smile, and same giggles. But the sudden lack of communication and sex was worrying Coriolanus.
Then Arachne died. Clemensia hadn’t been on class for some days. You weren’t around to see, but the news made you feel weird. Coriolanus was getting obsessed with the songbird, but that didn’t mean he was leaving aside… yet.
He had heard and seen how most of the student's made fun of you and your task for the Hunger Games. Saying that you had been put on that position for your parents. Very much like what everyone thought of Sejanus Plinth on daily basis. It made you feel anxious, that guilt only increasing. And unfortunately, Coriolanus hadn’t been around to soothe those fears.
“Are you sure you’re okay, y/n?” He asks once for all. You seem to hear him, but before you can answer him. Gaul had made everyone go quiet.
“Has a decision been made, Miss. y/l/n?” You raise your head, looking at the woman and slowly you nod, standing up.
“A decision has been made with the council of the games and the production team. The mentors and their tributes have to make a strategy, it’s obligatory. The mentors have to make detailed research on the district of their tribute. In two days, the research must be submitted so the tributes can be guaranteed an interview before the games. Only that way, the sponsors will come and by the end of the games, the mentors will be honored in the post-games' celebration.” The more you talked, the more the students seemed to hate you. Coriolanus can only think that you’re doing it because of rage, and he isn’t unsure if he likes it or not.
Dr. Gaul wants to laugh, believing you had shut everyone’s mouth. She can see a female enraged lover can react when cards are played against her. And she is savoring the way her Hunger Games are making everyone fight for their own good, not only the tributes.
When class is over, you don’t wait for Coriolanus. You just start grabbing your stuff and decide to leave.
He has to hurry so he can follow your pace. He calls your name once, but until his hand gently grabs your forearm, you stop.
“What is going on?” He asks, ignoring that both of you are in the middle of a hallway.
“About what?” There’s a lot to say, but you just can’t seem to be able to respond.
He sighs, and looking around, he drags you to an empty room. Open to public, but perfect for some minutes of privacy.
“You can talk to me…”
“I know… It’s just…” he inspects your face, looking at any details to try to understand you.
“Just what, sweets?”
“There’s too much going on at the same time. I’m just stressed out. I’m sorry for being distant, Coryo” you refuse to admit you’re jealous, that you are following your father’s advice, that you are sick of everything.
“It’ll be over in three more days or so. Then you know what departs for us…” you nod as he leans to close the distance, your foreheads touching. It was Coriolanus silent way of saying I love you and I’m here. So you take the moment to treasure it.
“Just one thing, Coryo…”
“Yes, dear?” He asks on your lips.
“If things get tricky… Are you going to fight for me if needed?” He smiles, your lips trembling against his chin.
“I would walk the whole territory of Panem just to get you, y/n” and with that, he kisses you so hard that it makes you remember why you choose him.
And why you would always choose him.
It’s late in the night and you opted to stay for late rehearsals. Your nails are a mess as you had anxiously been biting them. You see a burgundy spot on the right side of your pointe shoe. Your feet are bleeding. But that doesn’t compare to the waves of chills you had every day.
“AGAIN!” Your instructor yells. You are the opening act for the celebration. Every district would have a dance and some mentors would have an honorific mention. However, yours was a delicate piece of ballet. The music was beautiful, but it made you feel little, very vulnerable.
You try every single time, but your instructor kept saying that you needed to look sadder by the end.
“Miss y/n?…” your mother’s assistant came to the door of the studio, making you stop and your instructor to pause the music.
“Your mother has informed to me that there was a rebel bombing on the games’ arena earlier. The tributes were there with their mentors.” Your heart stops, remembering Coriolanus and his own task of taking the songbird there.
“Your partner, Mr. Snow… he was injured…”
Half an hour later, you’re entering the hospital. The wide room is empty. At the end of the bed’s row, you see Tigris and Sejanus. The young woman being the first to notice you.
“Y/N!” She hurries to hug you and offer her jacket since it was slightly cold. And you were once again in your ballet attire, pointe shoes still on.
“It’s okay. But… How is him?”
“Stable. Just his back was compromised” Sejanus reveals, making you smile sadly. Coriolanus is sleeping. His forehead looks sweaty, and you can only attempt to brush some of his curls.
“They said it was a rebel attack. The president’s son was heavily injured” you sigh.
“Felix?” Sejanus nods at you.
“This is where I side with the Capitol.”
“Exactly. This isn’t the solution” neither of you say out loud. But Sejanus was a rebel sympathizer, Tigris was only against the capitol but not with the rebels. And you were a neutral.
“I just hope this doesn’t come with long term injuries…” you finally add. Under the curious look of Tigris, she feels bad for you. Although she offered her help, there wasn’t much she could do. Only to design the attires for the upcoming celebration. But other than that, she could feel the stress on you.
Only worsening when Coriolanus woke up.
“Is Lucy Gray fine?” You act like it didn’t hurt you. And both Tigris and Sejanus pretend they didn’t see your sad face.
“She’s fine.”
“How do you feel?” You ask, and Coriolanus finally sees you.
“My shoulder and back hurt” the tv ends up disconcerting everyone. When you turn there is a video of you being played with the logo of the Capitol behind you. Coriolanus wants to smile, but he’s too unsure of what’s happening to say you looked adorable in a tulle skirt.
[Citizens of Panem, welcome back. We are less than 24 hours away from the start of the 10th Hunger Games. To make the wait less painful, we are about to explore a little more on this year tributes. Get to know them in this section. For the first time, we are about to see an exclusive series of interviews with our lovely host; Lucky Flickerman. Now it’s turn of District 12. Do not forget that anyone can be a sponsor. Enjoy the show!]
You ignore the looks. You weren’t proud of yourself for filming that type of promos. But that is quickly forgotten after Lucy Gray was introduced and she started singing again. You have to roll your eyes. You have to bite your tongue after seeing the way Coriolanus literally jumped out of the bed to see the songbird closely.
He seemed hypnotized by her. And without even processing there are tears forming on your eyes.
The end is coming. The end is coming. Get ready…
You try to ignore your head. But it’s like a prolonged free fall. Since the moment of the Reaping Ceremony, you knew it.
That bad omen was something you should’ve payed more attention to.
Now you let some tears fall as you see it. Tigris is also crying, and you have to admit how wonderful Lucy Gray Baird is. But it leads you to question.
How could Coriolanus just be… losing you?
When you look down at your feet, your brain can pay attention to the damage, immediately releasing a lot of pain.
Your pointe shoes are almost soaked in blood. You quickly seat in one of the bed, hurrying to untie it. Your heart beats faster. With the sudden increase of negativity, you feel panicked.
And it scares you, because you feel like you don’t have enough control.
Sejanus is the first one to look away.
“Oh my god, y/n” he knees in front of you. Looking at the mess. Now that the pointe shoes are gone, the damage is more than visible.
Tigris follows and finally Coriolanus remembers you. He seats beside you, frowning in disgust as he sees the pointe shoes covered in dry blood. Then your feet, you try to stop the bleeding, cleaning it, sobbing in silent.
You feel his hand on your shoulder. But you ignore him. You feel hurt by everyone. Your parents, the Capitol, and Coriolanus especially.
You squirm away from him.
“I’m just trying to soothe you.” Coriolanus admits in shock after seeing your reaction.
“I can handle it on my own” you spit out crying quietly, cleaning the tears with a hand, while the other holds some gazes against the wounded skin.
“We’ll bring a nurse” Tigris says, grabbing Sejanus and walking out of the room.
For the first time, Coriolanus knows something is going wrong. He officially sees how things are getting tricky.
Only you would know that your tears were for your boyfriend rather than the blood soaking your feet.
He was losing you. And later that night, he sealed the faith of your love for him after visiting Lucy Gray in the zoo one last time.
When the 10th Hunger Games started, you were making sudden apparitions at the camera. Coriolanus was focused on Lucy Gray moving through the arena. And you were too invested on following all the procedures. After some hours, a lot of people had left. Coriolanus was growing tired. He started eyeing you out, he saw your lilac makeup that matched your sweater. He saw the way your hips and waist looked in a pencil skirt.
After some failed attempts to make you look at him, he made eye contact. And minutes later, both of you ended up having a quick fuck in the restroom. Somehow it had worked as a makeup, he made you smile before you had to leave again. He kissed you and he promised to himself that no more mistakes were allowed. He would win the games with Lucy Gray and then… only eyes for you.
Things took a turn after Sejanus meant to give a proper goodbye to his tribute and old friend.
Coriolanus had killed a tribute. You are still unable to comprehend how you feel about it. He had come to your house during the night, red eyes and disheveled uniform. You wrapped your arms around him, shushing him to not disturb your parents.
He told you everything as you prepared the tub for him. He cried on your shoulder and stayed there for hours.
“You are good, Coriolanus. You are a good man. This doesn’t make you a monster…” you had said.
“What about the power I felt?…” you knew that was a warning sign.
“In the Hunger Games’ arena anything feels like power, my love” it was supposed to be enough to make him avoid thinking on power and death at the same time.
And now, adding the fact that he seemed to have built a connection with the songbird, you were everything but calm.
Nonetheless, that night you hold him protectively. You assure him everything would be fine.
“I would be lost without you” Coriolanus says, his nose pressed against your chest.
“I help the people I love, Coryo. That’s how will always be…” he reminds himself, no more errors. He holds tighter at you, knowing he had already messed up his promise one night ago.
You run, ignoring the pain of your wounded feet. The nurse said to take it easy if you wanted to dance after the games.
But you can’t help it. Coriolanus had won. While you ignored Lucy Gray Baird as the victor, you acknowledged your boyfriend as it. You run faster than Tigris, so you get to hug him before kissing him. He replies immediately. Holding your waist and smiling like an idiot. Everyone was looking and cheering around but neither of you cared. He deepened the kiss, feeling peace, he knew he had won. He had a good future secured. Along you.
“You did it, my love” you say in his lips, giggling. He also smiles, taking your hand before going to find Tigris who stayed back.
“You also did it.” He speaks. Making you realize it’s over.
And for the rest of the day, you are happy. You leave early because of the celebration.
You really want to stay with Coriolanus. But he was called away. Tigris stays with you the whole day. She calls Grandma’am as soon as you both enter the theater where the celebration was being held.
Both of you give the elder woman all details. She really cries and says she can’t wait to see his boy coming home that night. She wishes you good luck and the call is over.
“Okay. Let’s get over with this so we can celebrate with some posca tonight.” You laugh, taking a seat on the vanity.
“Coryo hates posca, Tigris.” She also laughs.
“If he can pretend to like it for formal events, he can pretend at home for his win and yours.” Between laughs and jokes, she starts to help you with makeup and hair.
An hour later, you start receiving good luck flowers and notice of being on the stage in fifteen minutes.
“You look perfect, y/n” she says smiling, making you turn around to see the pastel tutu and flower corset of the attire.
“I can’t breathe but this will make my shoulders look so aligned…” you thank her and after good luck wishes and a hug, she excuses herself to go to her seat.
Now alone, you make sure the makeup is perfect. Until you see Coriolanus in the door frame. He enters and closes the door. He looks so lost and sad, which worries you.
“I cheated on the games” you frown, hurrying to get to him. He sits on the couch, head between his legs, notifying to you how serious the issue is.
“What did you do?” He explains how he cheated. He kept it secret. He didn’t tell you.
“Is there a punishment or penalty?” He nods, looking at you now.
“Exile. Serve as a peacekeeper for twenty years” you look shocked. Your heart stops and you lean to grab his shoulders.
“I’ll go with you. University can wait. I’ll find a job where you’re sent to. And work with my mother at the same time. We’ll send money to Tigris and Grandma’am and-“
“No, y/n. I can’t let you do this.” You start to feel panicked again. You need to hear a solution.
“So what? You’re just leaving like that?” He remains quiet.
“You said you would fight for me.” He thinks about possibilities. He could marry you as soon as training was over. You two could find a little house, live there and send money to his family like you said. You already said you were willing to leave the Capitol for him.
“Oh, Coryo. Why did you had to do this?” He sighs frustrated.
“To win. For my family. For you… to give you all I promised.” You are at the verge of crying. And he has to be honest. If you were going to leave everything for him. He would be honest.
“I kissed her.”
You can only hear your heartbeat after that.
You don’t say anything for some seconds. His hands are sweating.
Something stronger than silence fills the room. You slap him.
Your hand burns afterwards. But the damage is done.
“Get. Out.” You spit out, quietly, yet extremely filled with poison.
He’s too shocked to say something back.
You are mentally collapsing. Finally feeling betrayed and mocked by him.
“You won’t get out? I will…” it’s bad when you start hearing a pitch in your ears. You know it’s not a good sign. But you’re so traumatized, that you lean closer to him.
“You’re a mistake… Such a big lie.” The last memory he sees before you have disappeared is the layers of tulle of your tutu, your perfume of jasmine and the sound of your distant sobs.
If he had lost you. His last memory of you would be dancing.
He stares from the backstage. And he wonders if destiny wanted you to dance such a melancholic song. Because he can literally see your sadness. You look so fragile that he curses himself. Maybe if he had mentored another district. Or maybe if he just had decided to shut up and avoid mentioning the kiss to you.
Did he ever love you? Why wasn’t enough?
However, that’s not enough suffering. While your head was spinning with many thoughts, the rest of your body was pleading you to stop. But you keep dancing. You feel the music and you let yourself to give the most emotional presentation of the history of Panem.
You don’t realize you have captured the same effect as Lucy Gray Baird singing. There are people crying. Throwing flowers at you. You don’t see it; you’re starting to see everything blurred.
As you leave the stage, people congratulate you. Coriolanus sees you look pale, darkened lips. You stop hearing, only the annoying pitch. Every step feels heavier than the last one. The sudden nausea makes you give up.
Coriolanus sees how you faint. Your body collapsing to the floor.
“Get a doctor… GET A DOCTOR, PLEASE!” He yells at a girl who was also in a tutu. She nods in shock, running. Some people gather, but only Coriolanus is there holding your unconscious body.
“I’m so sorry. This isn’t what I wanted. I wished so many things for us.” Coriolanus is crying. Holding your hand as you are asleep on a hospital bed. Your diagnosis said you suffered a collapse due to stress and traumatic experience. He knew it was caused by him. But he lies to your mother, saying it must’ve been for the pressure of the games and the death of Arachne Crane.
“I’m not a good man. And you deserve someone better than me…” he can now see the purple under your lashes, eye bags and cracked lips.
“But I’m coming back for you.”
After memorizing your image sleeping and kissing your forehead, he quietly leaves.
Your mother enters his line of vision.
“Coriolanus. Are you coming tomorrow? She’ll likely be awake” he swallows the rest of his tears and shakes his head.
“Unfortunately. I have peacekeeper duty away from the Capitol, required for me to get into university.”
“Oh no. Y/n knows, right?” He nods.
“But don’t worry, I’ll send her letters every week” it’s a promise. One he would make no matter what.
His hopes increase by the time he’s able to serve in District 12. Knowing he could give some closure to his situation with Lucy Gray but sickening because he’s also going there to soothe his urges to see his songbird again.
As for you. You just hope and pray your sole image to haunt Coriolanus Snow for the rest of his life. Because the moment you walked out of that hospital, you would do everything to get rid of him and his memory. Promising to make his mere existence the most insignificant matter. Even when you knew your heart would never beat again the same way it did for him.
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Taglist: @edb954 @poppyflower-22 @dear-bunnyboo @bryandechartisasmolbean @taylordaughter @coryoskywalker @maryvibess @reader-bookling123 @astarborntowrite @ewwwitsel @spring-goddess1 @real-lana-del-rey @electraphyng @athanasia-day @folklorelogy
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bratzforchris · 1 month
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Ways to Say "I Love You", C. Sturniolo
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Summary: Five times you knew Chris better than himself, and the one time you didn't<3
Pairing: Chris x feminine reader
Warnings: Mentions of drinking/hangover (y'all i know he's techinally not of legal drinking age in the USA. this is fiction)
Word Count: 4.3k
A/N: I genuinely need this man in my life so bad actually. Anyways, enjoy some tooth rotting fluff. XOXO<3
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1
“Bruh,” Chris groaned, leaning his head back against the couch cushions. “I feel like shit and I don’t even know why.”
You looked up from your phone, eyeing your boyfriend up and down. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know,” he whined, rolling off the couch dramatically. “My head hurts and I’m tired.”
You sat up from the gray couch, standing over Chris, who was sprawled on the floor, pouting and whining. You definitely felt bad for him, but at the same time, you knew Chris tended to over dramatize the smallest, most random things. “Do you have a fever?” 
Chris shook his head, rolling from his back to his stomach, but not getting off the floor. “I don’t feel sick, but I just feel like horse shit and I don’t know why.”
You observed him for a moment, before an idea dawned on you. Having ADHD, Chris tended to forget to eat and drink, so hyperfixated on something or too many thoughts in his head blocking the reminders to fuel his body. He was medicated for it, which both helped and hurt. Sometimes, he would be able to focus enough to remember his meals, but other times, the meds would dissipate his hunger cues. “When was the last time you had something to eat or drink?”
“Hmmm,” Chris’s blue eyes looked thoughtful for a moment before he shrugged. “Dunno. Which is weird because I’ve usually had like, six Pepsis by now, but we’re out and Matt didn’t go to the grocery store yesterday, so…I don’t know.”
You shook your head with a soft chuckle, helping your boyfriend up off the floor. “I think that might be the problem, sweetheart. Is there something you want to eat?”
“Do we have chicken nuggets?” Chris asked you, picking up one of the stim toys he had left on the floor last night as he followed you into the kitchen. “That reminds me, isn’t it weird that chickens can’t fly? Like…are they even real birds?” he asked you. 
“I dunno, hun. Google it.” You told him gently, pulling the bag of chicken nuggets out of the freezer.” 
“Do you think chickens are sad that they can’t fly? Like do they look at cardinals and go ‘Damn, why can he fly but not me’?” he hummed, flicking at the toy. 
Chris was wrapped up in his own little world as you made his lunch. He didn’t even get the chance to Google his chicken question before he was distracted by a Spotify notification, which led to him loudly singing a Lil Skies song, dancing around the kitchen. As much as you hated how difficult ADHD could be for him, Chris had one of the best personalities you had ever met; he was bubbly and outgoing, always the life of the party and always willing to cheer you up. You quickly plated his nuggets, along with some other random foods that you knew he would love, before sliding the plate across the island too. 
“See if that makes you feel better.” You explained with a soft smile. 
You watched as Chris downed the food, along with a Gatorade you had given him, only to see a smile dawn on his face. 
“I feel better now,” Chris mumbled shyly after a while. “Thank you. You’re the best girlfriend I could ever ask for. You literally always know me better than myself, it’s kinda weird.”
“Why is it weird?” You asked with a snort. 
“Cause it’s like you’re magical or something. Which it would be really cool if you were.”
You smiled, kissing Chris’s soft brown hair. “I love you too, hun.”
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
2
Tour life was difficult. No one would deny that. As much as the triplets were absolutely loving the Versus tour and all the antics they were getting to do, as well as meeting fans, they had to admit that it was exhausting. Not only were they running on an extremely tight schedule, it was wearing on Chris the most, simply because he was getting next to no alone time with you. It wasn’t that he simply wanted the alone time for sexual reasons, rather, you were the only person that could calm his mind, letting him just be. 
“Baby,” You hummed, softly stroking the brunette’s face. It was still dark out, just past six am, but you had a surprise for him, and you knew Chris would later complain about his sleeping in if he found the missed opportunity. “Wake up, honey.”
Chris wriggled beneath the blankets, sleepily blinking his blue eyes. He was freezing and it was dark out; way too early to be awake. “Too early.” he groaned in his morning voice, rolling over to face the wall with the blanket bunched around his shoulders. 
“I have a surprise for you.” You said, a bit more excitement in your voice as you shook him harder. 
The word ‘surprise’ immediately woke the boy up as he rolled to face you. You were already dressed in one of his hoodies and a pair of leggings, eager to get on with your plan. You were practically bouncing up and down like an excited little kid, hoping Chris would love what you had come up with as much as you did. 
“Why the fuck are you awake? It’s dark out,” he moaned. “Come cuddle me instead.”
You snorted at your boyfriend’s dramatics, quietly pulling back his blanket so as not to disturb Matt and Nick. “Get dressed, you big goof. We’re leaving in ten.”
As much as he wanted to argue and go back to sleep, Chris couldn’t deny that he wanted to understand what had caused the giddiness in your aura. He quickly pulled on his favorite hoodie and sweatpants, cramming his messy hair under a snapback as he followed you down the bus steps and out onto the quiet, dark sidewalk. He didn't know where the bus had stopped during the night. Philly maybe? But he didn’t get time to think about that as you simply nodded to one of the members of the triplets security and then took his hand, dragging him down the sidewalk. 
“Where are we going? I miss my blanket.” Chris pouted. 
“Me too,” You nodded, trying your hardest not to disclose the surprise. “But I do have something that’ll make you feel better.”
Chris didn’t know where you were going at this point, but he followed you anyway. He would’ve followed in any life, had someone asked him the question. You two continued to walk for a few more blocks until you stopped in front of a brightly lit diner, its neon signs illuminating the darkness of the street. 
“Pancakes?” Your boyfriend asked, perking up as the smell of bacon drifted from the restaurant. “Goddamn, I knew I made the right choice dating you.”
“I am pretty amazing,” You giggled, flipping your hair over your shoulder. “Let’s eat.”
You stepped into the diner together, immediately being sat at a booth and having your order taken. You and Chris both ordered an immense amount of breakfast food, quite tired of the protein shakes and cereal that came with bus life. 
“How did you, um, find this place?” Chris asked bashfully, stirring his straw around his Pepsi. 
You shrugged, taking a sip of your coffee. “I was just looking for things for us to do alone and it came up,” You hummed. “I love Matt and Nick, I really do, but I also like to have one-on-one time with you, and I could kind of tell you needed some, too.”
“How do you always manage to know exactly what I need when I need it?” he asked with a chuckle, brushing his hand over your knuckles. 
You smiled, a blush dotting your cheeks as your waitress came over with a tray full of all the food you had ordered. “I just do.”
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
3
“Baby,” Chris whined, sprawling out across your shared queen sized bed. “Don’t leave me. I don’t need food, nor do I want it.”
“But you do.” You said pointedly, looking him up and down as you slipped on your Uggs. 
“Nuh uh,” he fought back, smashing his face against a pillow. “You’re making me feel sick by not laying with me.”
“I’m not making you feel sick. Your choices are making you feel sick. No one told you to drink as much as you did.” You chastised gently, crossing the room to kiss his forehead. 
You and Chris, as well as his brothers, had gone out last night with a large group of friends, to include Johnnie and Jake, Tara, Larray, and Sam and Colby. Things had gotten a little…out of hand, leaving you with a very hungover Chris, who was making miserable noises as he clutched his stomach. 
“You’re not even laying with me,” Your boyfriend pouted. “My head and tummy hurt and I wanna be cuddled and you’re being mean.”
“You’re so grumpy when you’re hungover,” You snorted, kissing his forehead again. “I’ll be right back, babe.”
Chris whimpered again as you propped him up with several pillows, tucking him in and making sure he had water and a bucket nearby. You had opted to get him IHOP, figuring a good amount of carbs would ease the symptoms he was currently experiencing as a consequence of overindulging in alcohol. The time between you leaving the triplets house, picking up food, and returning home was less than forty five minutes total, but it felt like an eternity to your hungover boyfriend who simply wanted cuddles and for his headache and nausea to go away. 
You entered the bedroom, takeout bag in hand. “I’m back. Nothing to cure a hangover like a big, greasy breakfast,” You smiled, settling onto the bed and pulling out plastic containers of food. “Once you eat, you can take some ibuprofen for your headache.”
“I’m not hungry.” Chris whispered softly, feeling too unsettled to eat. 
“You know your tummy will feel better once you eat.” You cooed, stroking his stomach over the comforter. 
“Nuh uh.” he groaned, snuggling further into his pillow and blanket.  
“It will and you know it. You know you can’t drink that much, hun. I dunno what you expected to happen.” You explained softly, pushing some hair out of his face gently. 
As much as he wanted to continue to whine and be difficult, Chris had to admit you were right. A good breakfast and some sleep sounded really, really good right about now. He softly sat up, taking a sip of the Gatorade you had left on his bedside table last night. “Mkay…I’ll try to eat, I guess.”
You didn’t say much as you two began to eat your breakfast. You knew Chris probably had a raging hangover headache right about now, and you didn’t want to make it any worse. Once your boyfriend had had enough to eat and taken the pain relievers, he curled up into your side, placing your hand on his stomach. 
“...you were right,” he admitted quietly, always hating to be wrong. “Now I need belly rubs and sleep.” 
“So demanding,” You fake huffed, kissing his forehead. “Get some rest, hun. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ 
4
Chris Sturniolo was not the type to let anyone know he was upset. Sure, he would jokingly whine and complain about things when he felt like being irritating to his brothers, but he would never actually let anyone see when his feelings were hurt. You knew this about him, and after a little over a year together, you knew the signs that he was feeling this way as well.
The four of you were currently sitting in Matt’s car in a random parking lot, filming a car video. You opted to sit in the back and mostly listen with an amused look. After all, this was the triplets video, not yours. They hadn’t really planned a topic for today either, which ever bubbly Chris took to his advantage. 
“I need to pee,” he stated to no one in particular. “I got a new water bottle and so now I’ve been motivated to stay hydrated so I need to pee.”
“Why did you say water bottle like that?” Matt snorted. 
The boys continued back and forth with their bickering for a while, mostly making fun of the way Chris had said the word. You simply sat and laughed, enjoying all the weird conversations that came up, that is until Nick harshly interrupted Chris. 
“Do you ever shut up?” he asked. “Like genuinely, do you ever shut your mouth?”
“I do sometimes.” Chris protested. 
“Nuh uh,” Matt interjected. “You couldn’t go five minutes without talking. I bet on it. You’re one of those people on the list Nick was talking about. The one who could benefit from being quiet.”
“Fine. Time starts now.” Chris ‘locked’ his lips and pretended to throw away the key. 
You knew he was just going along with the video, but you could tell by the slump of your boyfriend’s shoulders and the way he had his forehead resting against the cool window that the comments had hurt him more than he let on. Nick and Matt continued to talk for a few minutes, before landing on a topic that immediately sparked Chris’s mind. He quickly decided to speak up, forgetting about their ‘challenge’. 
“You can’t do it,” Matt laughed, a triumphant look on his face. “Chris can’t stop yapping…wait, that should be the title of this video.”
Nick laughed and fist bumped his middle triplet, but you found the joke far from funny. Chris had slowly curled into himself throughout the duration of the video, speaking less and less. He was still appearing to be smiling and having a good time, but his overall demeanor had shifted, and you could tell his brothers’ teasing was getting to him. 
“We should get home. It’s getting late…” You mumbled softly once the car had quieted down. 
Chris turned around in his seat, giving you a thankful smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Matt nodded at your statement, turning the key in the ignition and beginning the short drive back to your shared LA home. Everyone was quiet, which was a rare occurrence in this car. You would’ve thought that Matt and Nick would’ve noticed Chris’s unusual silence, but somehow they didn’t. Your boyfriend lingered to get out as his brothers clomped inside the house, laughing about a random joke. 
“You okay, hun?” You asked, climbing from the backseat to the driver’s seat, resting your hand on his arm. 
“‘M fine.” Chris mumbled, leaning his head  against the window. 
“You don’t act very fine.” You whispered gently, running your fingers through the soft, brown curls at the nape of his neck. 
“Do you think I talk too much?” Chris whispered quietly, turning towards you. 
Under the bright light of the garage, you could see unshed tears welling in his lash line, threatening to spill. That’s how you knew Chris was upset. He almost never cried, unless he was really and truly upset. 
“Honey,” You said sadly, running your thumb across his cheek. “Of course not, bubba. I love listening to you talk.”
“Well Matt and Nick sure don’t.” he huffed grumpily, but a sniffle made its way out.
“Yeah…I was going to talk to them about that, actually. They were kinda being dickheads to you tonight.” You whispered, always hating conflict between the triplets. 
“They were right,” Chris groaned, burying his head in his hands. “I can’t shut my fucking mouth and everyone thinks it’s annoying!”
“Sweetheart,” You cooed, pulling him into a hug across the console. “I don’t, and I say that with every promise in me. I love listening to you talk, Chris. Your voice is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and I learn so much from you every day.”
“Really?” he sniffled, a tear rolling down his cheek.
“Really, hun,” You smiled, softly brushing it away. “I love you.”
Chris smiled, giving you a soft peck on the lips. “You always just know, don’t you? You always know when I’m sick or tired or when something’s wrong. God, I love you.”
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ 
5
You had always loved music, ever since you were little. Something about how a simple arrangement of notes could make a person feel so many emotions captivated you. It was like a language that you didn't have to learn to understand. By the time you were eleven, you’d been playing guitar and ukulele, and that later expanded to piano and bass. Music was absolutely your therapy, and you took every opportunity you had to practice your craft. 
You were sitting on the floor of your and Chris’s shared bedroom, strumming softly on your acoustic guitar. For once, the house was quiet because the boys were out filming a video, so you took the time to practice one of the new songs you had been working on lately. Being a music major allowed you very little time for your separate projects, so you would take whatever chance you could get. 
The silence didn’t last long, though. Just as you were playing an Em chord, Chris burst into the room, flopping on the bed. “Hey mamas, how was your day?”
You playfully rolled your eyes, but continued to strum your guitar. “It was wonderful…until I was so rudely interrupted.”
“You know you love me,” Chris teased, rolling onto his stomach and propping his chin in his hands. “Play me a song.”
“God, you are so demanding,” You chuckled. “What’s next? An autograph?”
“Mhm. On my boobs.” Your boyfriend smiled.
You shook your head with a laugh, throwing a guitar pick at him. “You’re insane.”
You didn’t waste any more in Chris’s antics, though. You fulfilled your boyfriend’s request, quietly beginning to play Falling like the Stars and singing along. Chris said nothing more, cherishing the sound of your voice. He loved hearing you sing and play guitar. It soothed him, allowing him to see the passionate parts of you that only came out in your music. He wished that he could do the things that you did, but he had just never taken the time to learn an instrument. 
You looked up at your boyfriend on the bed after you finished the song, smiling softly. You watched Chris for a moment, observing his body language and the way he was looking at you. “Do you…want to learn?” You asked him quietly, a blush dotting your cheeks.
“You’d teach me?” Chris’s cheeks and ears grew pink as he looked at you shyly. 
“I’d love to.” You nodded with a smile. 
Your boyfriend clambered off the bed, sitting down next to you on the rug. You softly began to explain the different parts of an acoustic guitar and how to hold it, before moving onto chords and strumming. Chris had always been a fast learner when he put effort in, and right now was no different. Within the hour, he was already playing slow, soft songs. The chords were still vibrating and it took him quite a while to change them, but it was a song nonetheless. 
“I’m not as good at it as you are.” he pouted after a moment, setting your guitar aside gently. 
“Well I have been playing for ten years, bub.” You chuckled gently, kissing his face. 
Chris wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you into him and kissing you back deeply. He loved you with all his heart, and you taking the time out of your day to share your passions with him only made him love you more. As the kiss grew heavier, Chris fell back onto the floor, still holding you as he giggled. 
“I’ve always wanted to learn how to play guitar, you know that?” he asked, pecking your forehead. 
“I could tell.” You smiled. 
“You always can.”
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ 
+1
“It’s such a nice day out today.” You hummed, soaking in the sun as you laid on your towel. 
Chris fidgeted beside you anxiously, but made an acknowledgement towards you statement so as to ‘throw you off his scent’. He had been planning this surprise for months now and he was currently using every muscle in his body to keep his mouth shut so as not to spoil it.
You two were basking in the sun on the beach in Santa Barbara, towels laid out. You had noticed Chris had been unusually quiet all day, but didn’t really think much of it. The beach usually kept him in his own little world, too distracted by the roar of the ocean and the sand between his feet to notice anyone else. You both had always loved the beach, and moving to the LA area after living in Boston your whole life had been a welcomed change. You practically went to the beach every weekend, but today Chris had led you to a new spot he had found. It was rather secluded, but you loved it all the same. It made things more intimate between the two of you. 
“You’re quiet today,” You said after a while, rolling over and propping yourself up on your shoulder. You looked Chris over from head-to-toe, admiring the tiny features about him like the way his curls had grown more pronounced with the salt air and the birthmark on his back. “Beach getting you relaxed?”
“I, uh, yeah. You could say that,” Your boyfriend tried to smile sheepishly, looking you over. Your lavender bikini hugged you just right, making him even more nervous. If he fucked this up while you looked so gorgeous, he would never forgive himself. “Wanna take a walk?”
You smiled, sitting up quickly and beginning to gather your towel. “Sure!”
“No!” Chris said a bit too hastily. “I mean, you don’t need to bring your towel…I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“You can’t just leave your stuff on the beach, Chris.” You giggled. 
“It’s not like anyone’s gonna steal it. Just–trust me, please?” he asked, giving you those blue puppy eyes you could never resist. 
“I guess so,” you fake huffed, taking his hand in your own. “C’mon, let’s walk before the sun sets on us, silly.”
Chris smiled, taking your hand in his own and starting the trek down the beach. The ocean was calling him as you two strolled westward towards the sunset, but that would have to wait. At least until he had finished his plan. The silence between you was comfortable like always, but this time it thrummed with passionate energy. Chris was pretty sure you had no idea what he was  planning, but then again, you knew him like the back of your hand.
“This beach is so quiet. It’s nice when it’s just us,” You smiled. “How did you find this place?”
“Oh, y’know, doing what I do best. Poking around.” Your boyfriend laughed nervously as you came to a beautiful expanse of rock along the beach. 
You immediately ran towards the beauty, smiling up at the wonder of nature. “This is gorgeous.”
Chris took the opportunity of you having your back turned to feel in the pocket of his swim trunks for the tiny box that he had been hiding from you for over a month now. He would admit that he had definitely had a bit of a struggle keeping the secret from you, but it was worth it to see you now, on this gorgeous beach, looking even more beautiful than the view around you. The brunette turned his head to where Nick was hiding out of sight, holding his camera. As much as he wanted the two of you to be alone for this, he wanted the pictures infinitely more. He couldn’t wait to tell his kids about what would be the best day of his life one day, that is, if you said yes. 
He took a deep breath, pulling the box out of his pocket and then tapping you on the shoulder. “I have a question for you, ma.”
By the time you had turned around, Chris was on one knew, holding a tiny, velvet box that held a gorgeous, heart-shaped, diamond ring. “Oh my god…” You whispered, hand flying to your mouth as tears welled in your eyes.
“You are my best friend, baby. I’ve loved you ever since I saw you that day in ninth grade algebra class. Finding out you felt the same way about me was probably the best day of my life. You always listen to every crazy, stupid, and dumb idea I have and I love you for it. You know me better than I know myself. I love loving you; you are my first, last, and only love. Will you marry me, Y/N?”
“Oh my god, yes!” You squealed, throwing yourself into his arms as Chris slid the ring onto your finger.
Chris sniffled as he spun you around, hugging you tightly and kissing you. “This is why I’ve been acting weird today,” he chuckled and blushed. “I was worried you’d find out. You know literally everything.”
“Not everything,” You smiled, showing him the diamond. “You kept the secret so well. Who all knows?”
“Well,” Chris admitted shyly as Nick stepped out from his hiding spot. “Nick knows, obviously, because I needed his help capturing the moment. Matt knows too. Other than that, no one else.”
“You’re amazing, Chris,” You whispered, kissing him again. “I’ve wanted to marry you since I was fifteen years old, you know that?”
“I love you so much, ma. Always have and always will.” 
As Nick continued to snap photos of the two of you in front of the sunset on the beach, you couldn’t help but to feel your heart swell. You hadn’t known what was going on with Chris this time, but for once, you didn’t even mind. 
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tags ♡: @aemrsy @jake-and-johnnies-slut @mattsfavwh3re @suyqa @chrissturnswife @mbsbaby @herxyz @mimi-luvzyu @mayhem-72 @faygo-frog @oobleoob @idek3000hi @runasvengence
note ♡: if you'd like to be added to my taglist, click here <3
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haetrack · 2 months
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HOW IT ALL GOES | MASTERLIST
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there are millions of love songs in the world. though they all speak of the same thing, they’re not all the same. love can be happy, sad, exciting, or just shown physically. love is different for everyone. there’s a song for every story, for every person who experiences love.
starring: haechan, mark, jaehyun, jaemin, and renjun!
general warnings: fluff, angst, and smut (not all fics will contain smut, so minors be aware!) fics will be tagged with their specific warnings! general yearning, heartbreak, happy and sad endings
note: the fics are not connected to each other! they can be read as stand alone fics but i hope you stay to read them all! synopses and tags might be changed during the writing process!
side note: if you would like to be tagged, please send in an ask or comment on this post!
I. (lucky for you) we’re just friends
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best friend!haechan x reader
synopsis: haechan is someone who always gets what he wants. he’s willing to do anything, but now, he realizes, he doesn’t know what to do. will you, his best friend of many years, let him step into your life where he hasn’t before? do you think about him as much as he does you? or will it all slip away, along with all his memories with you. (angst, little fluff)
side a: like a friend - pulp
side b: now playing
II. no clue
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one night stand!mark lee x reader
synopsis: when mark realizes how long it’s been since he’s gotten laid, he rushes out to a party. he’s quick to find someone, rushing into a room without really thinking about it. when he sees you laid under him, it clicks that he might just like you, a stranger. he tries looking for you all over campus, wanting to talk to you. how long will it take for you both to meet? do you even want to meet him? (smut, fluff, little angst)
side a: tongues - the frights
side b: now playing
III. your fate, my karma
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fwb!jaehyun x reader
synopsis: jaehyun realizes he’s in love with you. it’s fucked, especially because he rejected you once before. he doesn’t want to ruin what he has with you, more importantly, the friendship he has with you. he can’t help it, not with how you look at him, how you smile, how you feel. it’s like he was made to see and touch you. he doesn’t know how much longer he can hold in his secret. (smut, angst, little fluff)
side a: somethin’ stupid - frank sinatra
side b: flip over?
IV. can it last forever?
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boyfriend!jaemin x reader
synopsis: after many successful dates, jaemin finally asked to be your boyfriend. you were so happy in the beginning, but doubts begin to fill your head. jaemin is a loving boyfriend, but you can’t help but wonder if you deserve him. did you go into this too fast? what if this is all you have? will you be able to make him happy? (fluff, angst, suggestive)
side a: valentine - laufey
side b: flip over?
V. all to myself
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acquaintance!renjun x reader
synopsis: renjun hates how all you’ve been doing is talking about another man. usually, he wouldn’t really mind. but now, he realizes the only reason why he hates it is because he likes you. you’re a friend of a friend, and he’s not sure how he’s supposed to get closer to you if all you’re thinking about someone else. (fluff, smut)
side a: eastside - daisy
side b: flip over?
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a/n: im so excited for this series HOORAY!!! i hope u guys are as excited as i am when i start releasing them :3 i also recommend listening to the songs i put!! the fics were inspired by them and lay out the overall feel i want the fics to have! enjoy reading :p
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love-belle · 9 months
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i should hate u !!!
*ੈ✩‧₊˚ in which their post break-up era is them using shady captions to communicate and the media and fans being confused.
or
for when you loved them too much. ˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚
social media au // max verstappen x fem!reader
sequel - today and tomorrow and every day after that ⋆·˚ ༘ *
warnings - language
author's note - hello!!! i really hope u like this <3 i was initially gonna do daniel ricciardo one first but i already had 1/2 of this done so i just decided to post this :) thank u sm for reading <3 i love u
≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱
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f1news y/n y/l/n and max verstappen called it quits almost a month ago and it seems like they didn't end on good terms at all. the singer, at her london show last night, threw shade at her ex-boyfriend, saying and we quote, "the next song wouldn't have been possible without this one dude who inspired it obviously. so — here's 'i should hate you'. spoiler alert, i do. thank you!" the reason for the split is still unknown but sources who claim to be close to the pair said that 'it was bound to happen — with their different goals and plans for the future," seemingly referring to the talks that y/l/n wanted to get married and verstappen didn't. both of them have yet to comment on the situation. for more details, click on the link in our bio.
278 comments
username WOAH
username pause.
username ahahahahaha say what.
username oh my god 💀💀💀
username NOT HER CONFIRMING THAT I SHOULD HATE YOU IS ABT MAX
username no bc the way her voice cracked so many times in between the songs like girlie is angry AND hurt
username OH MY GOD
username i genuinely have no words
username omg the photos are NOT of her shading max. it's her laughing at a fan who yelled "you're the baddest bitch of all baddest bitches" at her
-> username YEAH LIKE SHE WAS SO CLOSE TO CRYING WHEN SHE SANG ISHY
username my delusional ass thinking they ended on good terms 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
username nah it's so champagne problems and you're losing me kinda thing i can't handle this whatcthe fucj
username OH WHATCTHEBFUCJ
username me getting the big guns out to defend her AND max with my LIFE
username still processing their breakup give me a year to digest this information
username STOP WHAT THE FUCK
username my parents ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️
username no bc she's genuinely such a sweet person so if she said this max must've done something 😭😭😭😭😭
-> username STOP NO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
username can't believe she's saying this about a dude for whom she wrote "feels like" for like wow.
username I WAS AT THAT SHOW AND SHE LOOKED SO SAD AFTER SHE SAID THIS I FELT SO BAD
-> username SHE ALSO STARTED CRYING WHEN SHE FINISHED SINGING I MISS U IM SORRY AND ZARA (HER LEAD GUITARIST) HAD TO RUN AND CONSOLE HER
-> username AND SHE SAID THAT THE LAST MONTH HAS BEEN HARD ON HER AND SHE APOLOGIZED IF THE SHOW WASN'T AS GOOD AS THE OTHERS
-> username NAH MOTHER ATE AS ALWAYS
username y'all saying this but not the fact that she ALSO said "in another life we would've worked but im grateful for everything i had because for a moment you were mine"
-> username MY HEART JUST BROKE WHATCTHEBFUCK
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maxverstappen1 i know i say that i am better now, spoiler alert, i am
8,926 comments
username the way my jaw dropped
username THE PICTURES
username GODDAMN
username someone take away y/n's phone before she hits back 💀💀💀
-> username the way i know that she would absolutely destroy him
username NOT THE PHOTOS OMG
danielricciardo spoiler alert, also a liar
-> maxverstappen1 you promised you wouldn't snitch
username he definitely cried while posting this idc
username max babe it's okay to admit that u miss ur wifey bc same 💔💔💔
-> username "wifey" girl he didn't even wanna marry her
-> username not another word.
username funny haha 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 im crying 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 now get back with mom.
landonorris no you're not
-> maxverstappen1 i will block you
username lando and daniel exposing max 💀💀💀
username no bc he probably cries whenever he remembers that he fumbled a baddie like y/n
username "it's all better with you ❤️"
-> username i could've gone along with my day without seeing that just saying
-> username delete that RIGHT NOW before i start crying
username missing max simping for y/n like ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️
charles_leclerc i swear i can hear you crying from my hotel room
-> maxverstappen1 WE'RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME HOTEL
username the way im SO sure he heard y/n saying that she hates him and that was the moment he gave up
-> username nah bc he was one of the "my girl's mad at me i hope i die" kinda guys
-> username wonder how he's surviving this tbh
username I CAN'T TAKE THIS SERIOUS IM SORRY THE POST IS JUST TOO FUNNY
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yourusername i hate you lol
12,628 comments
username HELP
username she could only get this much in before her manager took away her phone ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
*liked by yourusername*
username no bc girl had a lot to say she's just trying to keep it cute
*liked by yourusername*
username the way i know y/n FOUGHT for the right to post this caption
username this is MILD bc i know y/n can be ruthless 😭😭😭😭😭😭
landonorris "in love" alright.
-> yourusername IT'S FOR THE AESTHETIC
username mother and father are fighting i can't take this what tye fyxk
username 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
username mother slays everyday just saying
username no bc if y/n ever said ihy to me i would give up just a thought
lilymhe pretty bitch
-> yourusername u sure that's not u?????
username i REALLY hope she's at the next gp
-> username no bc the way max and her meeting would definitely be more entertaining than the race itself
username NOT THE SONG LYRICS WHAT HAVE U PLANNED
-> username oh fuck that broke my heart what the fuck
username missing my man max in the comments section being a whipped bitch so bad ://////
carmenmmundt can't wait to see you darling 🤍
-> yourusername counting down the seconds omg i missed u!!!!!!
username y/n's manager has her on lockdown i can tell 💀💀💀
-> username with what she said at her last show i wouldn't be surprised
landonorris the post has reached the target and the target is currently eating ice cream while singing your songs
-> yourusername OH OKAY
-> yourusername good to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
username she's so pretty it's not fair wtf
username the caption omg
-> username it's SO mild compared to what i was expecting tbh 💀
username slay
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maxverstappen1 it's all better now
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yourusername and i swear to god i'd kill you if i loved you a less hard
13,728 comments
username SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
username OH MY GOD
username IS THAT MAX WHATCTHEBFUCK
username NOT Y/N SOFT LAUNCHING HER EX BOYFRIEND
username GIRL 😭😭😭😭 get up
username this is INSANE
username MOTHER?????? WHAT IS THIS??????
danielricciardo the most stressful week of my life if we're being for real
-> yourusername u can send m*x the therapy bill
-> maxverstappen1 don't. i did not agree to that.
username HER SONG LYRICS OH MY GOD
username SHE WROTE THIS SONG FOR MAX 😭😭😭😭😭😭
username okay but like. are we SURE that's max?????
-> username i simply refuse to believe that it's someone else so yes. that IS in fact max.
username OKAYYYYYYY
username did NOT see this coming in a thousand years
username obviously VERY happy for them but y/n censoring max's name is so fucking hilarious like
-> yourusername babe it's m*x
-> username my bad ur absolutely right it's m*x
-> maxverstappen1 this is bullying
username DID HE PUT A RING ON IT WHATXTHEBFUCK
-> username NO BC THAT WOULD MAKE SM SENSE
username so i lost SLEEP over nothing????????
maxverstappen1 nice pants
-> yourusername thanks they would look better on ur floor
-> maxverstappen1 say less
-> username i think i just died whatcthebfuxk
-> username oh they're GOOD now
username imagine they just drop engagement photos out of the blue then what.
-> yourusername imagine lol
-> username WHAT DOES THIS MEAN
username i just know y/n's eating up every moment of this chaos
-> maxverstappen1 demons thrive in chaos so
-> yourusername well! it was nice to reconcile for a couple days, goodbye now.
username im crying whayctrhbfcuk
landonorris mother father
-> yourusername child
-> maxverstappen1 no
-> username ah yes the four family members mother father child and no
username THE HEART THE EVERYTHING THEM
username they STILL don't follow eachother LMFAO
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rucow · 2 months
Text
some placements im soft for<3
♐ sagittarius sun: my everlasting obsession. the most magnetic people ive ever met. they're insanely beautiful and enigmatic, they fascinate me. i have no sag placements myself, so idk why im so in love with this sign, but to me they're ethereal and regal in a way. they give me a heartthrob. i adore their facial features and their personality, i love their blunt honesty. these people are majestic and special to me. also very silly.
♏ scorpio mercury: this placement could tell me to jump off a bridge and i probably would. their words and tone can have full control over other people, they have so much power in their voice! even if they speak very quietly, the impact of their words is immense. singers and performers with this placement are impeccable at delivering the most raw emotion to their audience. every time they speak, i feel like i can see and feel their soul. which makes sense, because their mercury is conjunct my moon. i feel compelled to listen to these people. they put me under a spell anytime they speak (or sing). also, i love it when they go detective mode trying to solve a ~mystery~
🌠 mercury-neptune conjunctions: ethereal, mesmerising, haunting. i noticed that a lot of singers i listen to have this placement, and you can really feel it. ive always had dreams (and nightmares) about songs written and sung by people with this placement, they're absolutely haunting in such an addictive way. they're out of this world. beautifully poetic people.
♎ libra moon: some of the sweetest people ive ever met. they're so soft and sensitive, even if they don't seem like it. somewhat of a role model to me, i looked up to them so much only to find out im a libra moon myself in sidereal astrology. i have an urge to protect these people and reassure them that their feelings are valid. they have the most beautiful smiles.
♊ gemini moon: maybe it's because my own moon is in the 3rd house, but i find these people very relatable. the amount of hate and misunderstanding ive seen them receive is plain cruel. i think these are some of the most genuine people, and i appreciate it when they speak their mind. silly factor off the charts
♑ capricorn placements (any): i haven't gotten to know you too well yet, but you're always like a breath of fresh air. im intrigued by you! i feel i have so much to learn from you.
♏ scorpio sun: the kindest most understanding people ive ever met. sure, there's been a few bad apples here and there, but so many scorpios ive met have helped me heal, even if indirectly. they've had a huge huge impact on me and im always thankful for that.
♐ sagittarius mars: i adore these people's energy. my mars is in aries but at the 9° degree (a sagittarius degree), and i feel like being around these people is so fun. very very playful people with an outstanding positive energy, they are silliness personified and i love that about them.
♒ aquarius venus: i didn't care much for this placement at first, seeing as it's my own, but looking through works written by aquarius venus artists has hit something deep inside of me. there's something sad about your heart being in this saturnian, fixed sign. it's like a prison. you fully commit to people once you think you've found "the one", and break-ups can be brutal for you. you don't show it on the outside, but your suffering shows in your art, and im sorry i didn't see it sooner. your understanding of the world is very real and fascinating, and you're such a devoted friend. ive grown to understand and appreciate this placement a lot more than i did before.
though i only talk about a few specific placements here, every sign is special in their own way. ily all, take care of yourselves 💖
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old-lorarri · 4 months
Text
꒰꒰ ‧₊˚𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐃 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐅 ─ 𝐂𝐒𝟓𝟓 ˚₊· ꒱꒱
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─ summary . . . ❨ cheating rumors and a new song oh my leave the intent in a tailspin as they try to figure out what's going on ❩ ─ pairing . . . ❨ carlos sainz x fem! singer! bestfriend! reader ❩  ─ genre . . . ❨ social media file ❩  ─ author note . . . ❨ not hate to rebecca what so ever this is purely for entertainment purposes as are the rest of my fics and with that enjoy! ❩
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❨ taglist | masterlist ❩
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user the fact that no one believed Y/N at the start 😕
user carlos bbg Y/N IS RIGHT THERE 😩
user I smell the besties to lovers arc COOKING 😋🍳
user never liked her anyway...
user queen Y/N was right once again
user oh noooooo I'm so sad 🤭
user the fact Y/N is in the likes tells me all I need to know
user I just KNOW Y/N is gonna drop a BANGER after this news 🔥
user Y/N and Carlos a SCHEMING RN
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yourinstagram
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yourinstagram draw a cat eye sharp enough to kill a woman 🐈‍⬛🔪🩸
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user MOTHER?!?
user new music coming soon 👀
user okay the caption though 😀
user how many letters in devoured 😩😩
user slayed 💅✨
user I think the second slide and the caption are hints I KNOW IT 😌
user the disses are dissing 🫡
user carlos in the likes tells me all I need to know 😭😭
user bad bitch era loading...
user step on me mommy 😩
user I just know rebecca is scared af rn 😌
user DRAG HER ASS Y/N GET HER 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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yourinstagram . 4hrs ago
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seen by iamrebeccad carlossainz55 67,898,254 others
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THE BITCH
fuck you Y/N
Carlos will never love you
THE BEST FRIEND
did I ask for your opinion?
THE BEST FRIEND has blocked THE BITCH
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─ requested by . . .
anon ─ hello! could i request for any driver but with the plot of taylor's vigilante shit ? like they could be the one the song is about or like the one to have delivered the cold hard proof (of something idk)
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sunflower-lilac42 · 4 months
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✧ 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 || quinn hughes ♔
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album & song: evermore ; willow
summary: y/n loves quinn and quinn loves her. they would do everything and anything for each other or some moments in y/n and quinn's relationship that really make them, them
pairings: quinn hughes x best friend!reader (minor luke and jack x platonic!reader)
warnings: parents fighting, crying, fighting, i don't think anything else
notes: hey y'all, a promise is a promise so here is willow! i've really wanted to write this one for a while so i'm happy it's finally done. this is kind of best friends to lovers but really the only time they're best friends is like two parts of the fic but there are references to it. i haven't done a nhl x ts one in a while and i also haven't written a quinn fic in a while so, here's both. i love quinn and i love how this turned out. i'm sorry the last three are kinda of short and i cut out some lyrics but i was getting kinda tired and everything i wrote i hated so this is the best out of all of them. weird side note, i was at one point in the story where it said 'the one' while editing and i was listening to my taylor swift playlist on shuffle (because it gets me in the mood to write) and 'the 1' came on. i swear, stuff like this has been happening so much recently and i don't know why. add yourself to the taglist ➺ taglist!
evermore masterlist | nhl x ts masterlist | nhl masterlist | main masterlist
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‘I'm like the water when your ship rolled in that night Rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife’
Senior Year of High School
She was having a tough time, school, finals, graduation, work, everything and anything that she did seemed like it was ganging up on her. She couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason for her stress, but there were many things she could blame it on.  On top of it, her parents had been fighting nonstop for the past month. It wasn’t like they hadn’t before but this time it was worse, she felt like she was the cause for it.
Quinn had invited her over for some dinner, hoping to at least relieve some of the stress from his best friend’s shoulders. When she arrived he could see the stress in her face, she looked as if she didn’t really want to come in the first place. 
He stepped aside and let the girl in, “Hey, y/n/n.”
“Hi, Quinn.”
“You okay?” 
“Yeah, just tired.” She ran a hand through her hair before following Quinn to his room, saying hi to Ellen on the way. Ellen looked at the girl strangely, “Hi, y/n.”
“Hi, Mrs. Hughes.”
“How many times do I have to tell you to call me Ellen, hon.” She pressed a kiss to her head, “Are you okay? You look-”
Bad? Drained? Streseed? Annoyed? Tired? All of the above? Is what she wanted to say, but didn’t, “I’m just a little tired right now.” Ellen nodded but looked unconvinced, shooting her oldest a look who also nodded his head.
He lightly took the girl’s arm and took her to his room, offering her to sit on his bed which she took gratefully. She looked around his room and at the posters on his wall before looking over at where he now sat at his desk. He was already looking at her with a small smile on his face, concern still lingering in his eyes.
The two stared at each other for a moment before a knock was heard on the door, “Hi.”
The two looked over to see his brothers standing there, “Hi Jack, Luke.”
Quinn didn’t reciprocate his best friend’s kindness, “What do you two want?”
“We just wanted to give y/n this.” Luke pulled out one of his bear stuffed animals from behind his back, “You looked sad.” Jack stood there, slightly out of place, mostly because this was Luke’s idea instead of his, but he liked y/n enough to go with him.
“Awe, thanks, you guys.” Tears made their way to the corners of her eyes but she refused to let them fall in front of the two. 
Noticing her expression, Jack waved goodbye and dragged the eighth grader behind him. Y/n held the bear in her lap, arms wrapping around it tightly as she tried not to think of the events that happened before she got here. 
“Y/n/n? Are you sure you're okay, because if not-” Quinn’s overwhelming concern for her made the tears bubble over in her eyes and a sob ripped from her throat, “I can’t do it anymore, Quinny.” 
Quinn was quick to get up from his desk chair and stumble over to his bed to wrap the girl in a hug. He knew he didn’t have to do anything but hold her tight as she dug her head into his chest, the stuffed animal still clutched tightly to her chest. 
It took her about ten minutes to calm down, tear after tear, and for her it felt like it would never stop. Quinn did what he always did and waited for her to stop so he, or she, could talk about it. He knew if he tried to talk to her while she was crying, she wouldn’t listen, nothing got through to her when she was crying this hard. 
When she pulled away to wipe away her tear-stained face, Quinn opened his mouth to talk, “You know you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but you can, I’ll always listen.” He reached his hand out to wipe away one tear that she missed, one blackened by her mascara, leaving a trail of the makeup it held behind it. 
She held a weak smile on her face at the warmth his hand brought to her cheek and looked at him, “Just finals and other shit like that, the usual. Plus, my parents were fighting again, I think that was my final straw.”
Quinn nodded his head, recognizing the tone in her voice that said she didn’t want to talk. Her face looked more tired after crying and he sighed, scooting back to rest his back against the headboard. Y/n looked at him confusedly but smiled when he opened his arms. She was quick to lay against his front, laying her head on his chest once more, still holding the bear in her grasp. 
Ellen walked by twenty minutes later to tell them that dinner was ready, but when she peaked into her son’s room and saw both of them with their eyes closed she smiled, closed the door, and walked away telling the rest of the family to be quiet as they slept. 
✧༺✎༻∞
‘And if it was an open-shut case I never would've known from that look on your face Lost in your current like a priceless wine’
End of Senior Year/Summer of ‘17
The both of them knew the feelings that they harbored for each other, but were both unsure of how the other felt. Neither one of them wanted to mess up their current friendship, they had been best friends since freshman year. 
It had never been that simple between them, their friends saying how they looked like a couple everywhere they went. She would always wear his jerseys to his games or one of his shirts and he would always show up to her events with unwavering support. 
Whenever someone saw Quinn, y/n wasn’t too far behind and vice versa, whenever y/n was asked what she was doing that night, she would say hanging out with Quinn and vice versa. They would always be caught holding hands or leaning up against one another or literally any other way that looked like they were dating. 
They never said anything though, and they wouldn’t until graduation. Quinn and y/n stood side by side taking a picture with each other as they waited for their parents to find them. Y/n knew Quinn was good at hockey, good enough to get drafted, good enough to make the NHL, it was no secret. But because of Quinn’s birthday that wouldn’t happen for at least another year.
She was worried, she didn’t want to lose him. She didn’t want him to become this big-shot hockey player and forget about her, she didn’t want him to become a self-absorbed player with an ego bigger than himself. Though deep down she knew he would never let his ego get that big, but the forgetting part? As much as she told herself he wouldn’t and knew that he wouldn’t she couldn’t get past the ‘what if?’
Quinn waved a hand in front of her face, snapping a couple of times to gain her attention, “Y/n. Y/n. Y/n.” He dragged out the last syllable of her name. 
She looked at him, her eyes getting rid of the glassed-over look by blinking, “What?”
“I’ve been talking for the past couple of minutes and you, my dear sweet y/n, have not responded. You have just been-” Quinn looked over to where her focus had landed when she spaced out, “staring at that tree.”
“Oh sorry.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“What’s going to happen?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, we’re going to go to school for one year and then you’re going to get drafted. You’re going to go away somewhere and play professional hockey for a living and you’re going to forget about me.”
“Who said I was going to forget about you?”
“No one, just me and my thoughts.”
“Well, you and your thoughts are wrong, because I could never forget about you.” He tilted her head down to kiss the top of her head.
“That’s what you say now.”
“I’ll you fly out to wherever I’m playing, Nashville, Toronto, Vancouver, anywhere, and I’ll let you punch me if I forget about you because you are the best fucking thing that has ever happened to me. Since freshman orientation, I knew you were the one.”
“Are you just saying that because I was the only one who would talk about hockey with you?”
Quinn being bold, slid his hands underneath y/n’s graduation gown, grabbing onto her waist through the fabric of her dress and pulling her close to him. She stumbled because it was unexpected and she was in heels, causing the boy to apologize before placing his index finger underneath her chin and lifting it so her eyes would meet his, “Look at me.”
She sighed when the two made contact. Quinn noticed the fear in her eyes, she truly didn’t want to lose him and he didn’t either, “I know you’re worried and so am I, but I promise you this-”
She didn’t want to hear what he had to say, the whole bullshit of the promises not to forget about her, she’s read it plenty of times in books, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Quinn.” She diverted her eyes away again, directing them to the other families around them.
“Hey.” Quinn once again moved her head so her eyes had no choice but to look into his own, “I love you.”
“I love you too, Quinn but that doesn’t really change-”
“Just shut up for one minute, will you? I love you, y/n. And I don’t mean the typical I love you that you give to Taylor. I love you and I was too afraid to tell you because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship and I didn’t know how you felt but I thought if there was a time to tell you this, it would be now.”
Y/n looked at him in shock, the words she had been waiting for since she walked into the auditorium for orientation. This wasn’t real life, was it?
Quinn stared at her blank face as she opened and closed her mount a couple of times, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
The boy went to walk away but she placed a hand on his arm, “No! No, I’m sorry I just didn’t know what to say. I love you too, Quinn.”
“You do?”
She nodded and Quinn wasted no time placing his lips onto hers.
✧༺✎༻∞
‘Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind Head on the pillow, I could feel you sneaking in’
Fall of ‘21
She loved Quinn, she truly did, but not that much that she was willing to stay up into the early hours of the morning/late hours of the night for him after a game. She texted him saying that she was going to bed and that she was proud of him for his game. 
It was the first time since they moved in together that Quinn had a night home game. Getting used to the rhythm that was going to be for the rest of Quinn’s hockey career was starting slow. She wasn’t used to him coming home at late hours of the night or leaving in the early hours of the morning before the sun was up to go to practice. 
She didn’t mind it that much though, just knowing that he was coming home to her was good enough for the both of them. She laid in bed, hoping that she would be able to stay awake until he got home but she fell asleep within moments of her laying on the bed. 
When Quinn got the text, he had just finished putting on his suit jacket and he wanted nothing more than to go home to his girl and lay next to her in their newly shared bed. But, his teammates were not going to let that happen. 
They dragged him to a bar to have one or two drinks before heading home. He thinks he’s never detested his teammates this much before this moment. When he finished his first drink, he said goodbye, practically running out of the doors of the bar. 
He unlocked the car and practically sped home and crept into the apartment, just in case y/n was already sleeping. He set his things down and walked into the bedroom and smiled when he saw her curled up in the sheets, a shirt of his adorning her body much like in college when he’d go to away games. 
He took a quick shower, not wanting to prolong the duration of not having her in his arms. He put a pair of sweatpants on before carefully lifting the covers and sliding into bed. Y/n, who had been awake since he walked in the apartment doors, turned over, “Hi Quinner.”
Quinn’s eyes snapped to his girlfriend’s, “Hi sweetheart. I’m sorry, did I wake you?” 
“No, I was just a little cold and then I heard the front door click open.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were awake?”
“Because then I would’ve had to wait even longer for you to come to bed.”
Quinn smiled, giving her a kiss, “I love you.”
“I love you.”
✧༺✎༻∞
‘Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind They count me out time and time again’
2022
_quinnhughes
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_quinnhughes one of my annual appreciation posts for this girl right here
thank you for nine years of knowing you, they have been the best i've ever known. happy anniversary, my love
tagged yourusername
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yourusername awe quinn, i love you so much! happy anniversary, love ❤️
jackhughes i guess i love you too, happy anniversary to my second favorite couple
⤷ lhughes_06 who's your first favorite?
⤷ jackhughes mom and dad, who else
lhughes_06 happy anniversary yourusername and quinn! y/n you have been like a sister to me
⤷ yourusername see jack, this is what nice siblings do for their siblings partner, thank you lukey!
⤷ jackhughes hey, i said i love you, does that not count for something
⤷ yourusername oh it does, i love you too jack, you too luke
⤷ user01 so fucking ungrateful, she just comes and gets to be an ass to his family 🙄
user02 who the fuck is this?
⤷ user03 i know, she's literally not that special
user04 she's not even that pretty
user05 she has to hide her face because she's so ugly 😂, that's the reason why quinn picked these photos
user06 congratulations you two!
liked by yourusername and _quinnhughes
bboeser happy anniversary y/n and huggy
⤷ yourusername thanks brock!
user07 she's literally so annoying
⤷ user08 ikr, quinn deserves so much better
✧༺✎༻∞
‘Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind But I come back stronger than a 90's trend’
2022
nhlwags
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liked by yourusername, _quinnhughes, and 3,043 others
nhlwags a little birdie told us one of our younger wags made gifts for the whole entire canucks team and staff, what a sweetheart.
happy belated anniversary to quinn hughes and y/n y/l/n!
following, please stop spreading hate about y/n she hasn't done anything to deserve this
tagged yourusername, _quinnhughes
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yourusername it was the least i could do! everyone has been so nice to me and they love quinn so i just reciprocated the love through my own way 💙💚
j.tmiller9 coming from all the canucks and the staff, please be kind to y/n, she has done nothing wrong to any of you and all of us, especially quinn and y/n, would greatly appreciate it. the two of them don't deserve slander for anything. (btw thanks for the bag, y/n!)
liked by _quinnhughes, yourusername, and 200 others
bboeser loved the gift, y/n is truly one of a kind
liked by yourusername
_eliaspettersson y/n is like the wag if i ever saw one
⤷ yourusername i'm not sure if that's supposed to be a compliment or not, but thanks anyways petey
⤷ _eliaspettersson definetely a compliment
tdemko30 she really got us all surprised... can we get more cookies by the way?
⤷ yourusername of course!!
user05 she really clapped back at the haters. we stan y/n!
⤷ user09 i know! she is the best ever, did it in the most respectful way ever tbh
user10 the canucks team coming to y/n's defense is the cutest thing ever
✧༺✎༻∞
‘Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark Show me the places where the others gave you scars’
Summer of ‘19
“Meet me at the dock after everyone goes to bed” was the text y/n got at ten o’clock. She smiled to herself when she read it and patiently waited for everyone to go to bed before sneaking out of the house and running down to the dock. Quinn sat with his feet dangling over the wood into the water waiting for his girlfriend. When he heard footsteps behind him, he turned around and grinned when he saw her running towards him. 
They hadn’t had a moment alone together in almost three months. When Quinn had to fly to Vancouver to make his debut, she couldn’t come with him, having to finish her classes. Then she was staying with her parents for the majority of May and into June and she wasn’t allowed to go anywhere. Quinn had been finishing up some things with the team and he ended up spending some much-needed time with his family. 
Ever since y/n had gotten to the lake house, she had been helping Ellen with things and spending time with Luke and Jack because they wanted her to. They played Mario Kart and other video games, and the two made her go out on the boat with them and made her watch as they did tricks and flipped into the water. 
Quinn patted the space next to him but instead, y/n took her spot right on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. His eyes widened at the sudden contact but happily wrapped his arms around her waist, snuggling into one another. 
Y/n looked at him, “So, I guess I’m dating a big-shot NHL player now, huh?”
Quinn merely shrugged, “I guess you are, aren’t you?”
“Yes, unfortunately, because he’s living in a totally different country than me and in the opposite direction.”
“Aw, that sucks. I’m sorry to hear that. He must feel terrible.”
“Oh I don’t know, he gets to be a free man.”
“I wouldn’t say free, more sad.”
That comment made her perk up, “What’s wrong?”
“I just, miss you.” His voice ever so slightly cracked and she could see the tears starting to form in his eyes, “Honey. Hey, hey, it’s okay.”
At the nickname, Quinn immediately started crying,  he had missed her so much, much more than he ever imagined he would. He never really thought about the fact that his best friend, his girlfriend, his everything would be in Michigan while he was in Vancouver. 
“No, it’s not okay. I get to live out my dream but my dream isn’t complete without you there. We’re going to be 2,368.82 miles (3,812.25 km) apart for at least the next two years. I don’t think I can do it.”
Y/n hated it when he cried, it broke her heart into a million pieces when she saw the tears trickling down his face. Much like he always did with her, she reached up and cupped his face, wiping his tears off his face, “Listen to me. We are Quinn and y/n, y/n and Quinn, when has anything ever stopped us from being apart? Where’s the Quinn from when we graduated, huh? The Quinn who promised me that he would never forget me and that everything was going to be okay? Just because we’re however many miles/kilometers you said apart doesn’t mean anything. Now it’s my turn to promise you something. I promise you that we are going to find a way to make this work.”
Quinn nodded his head, still a little unconvinced about her words. In a way to distract him from the thoughts that he never thought he would be able to escape, she looked at the scars on his body and started asking him questions about them. 
Some were from his childhood when he, Jack, and Luke would be playing a game or messing around and one of them would throw something at him or he was pushed over. Some were from when he played hockey when he was younger, getting shoved into the boards or shoving someone else into the boards. Some were from the games he played in the spring, his first games in the NHL. Those were y/n’s favorites and least favorites. Favorites because it was from his dream, and the stories behind them would last forever, least favorites because they reminded her of how much he could get hurt doing this. But that wasn’t something she wanted to worry about right now. 
All she wanted to do was think about this moment, the moment they were living in as the stars illuminated where they sat on the dock, in each other’s arms, talking about random stories from each other’s childhood. 
✧༺✎༻∞
‘Now this is an open-shut case Guess I should've known from the look on your face Every bait and switch was a work of art’
Fall/Winter of ‘23
“You guys would never guess what I found when I was cleaning the other day.” Y/n came walking in from the room she had been in. 
Jack and Luke sat at the table with Quinn and Ellen and Jim sat near their sons, one of the days leading up to the Hughes v Hughes game. They all smiled as the girl came bounding in, Quinn had just placed down his tiles when she spoke and he raised his eyebrows, “What’d you find, hon?”
Y/n placed a fluffy object down on the wood surface, “Luke’s bear that he and Jack gave me when we were in high school.”
“Paulie?” 
“You still remember its name?” Jack laughed loudly and Ellen got up to hit the middle child on the back of his head, “Don’t make fun of you brother.”
“Oh, come on. You have to admit, it's a little funny.”
Luke blushed heavily and Quinn quirked an eyebrow, “Why do you still have that is my question.” He took the bear into his grasp and started fiddling with its arms, “Because.”
She shrugged and all five of the Hughes’ looked intrigued, “Y/n, you have to tell us.” Jack insisted as he leaned forward, messing up the game that had previously been going on. Quinn and Luke groaned at their brother’s actions. 
“Because,” She ripped the bear from her boyfriend’s grasp and held it to her chest, “Because it reminds me of that day when I was sad and you guys cheered me up. It was the first day I felt a part of the family.”
“I remember that day.” Luke spoke up, looking between everyone in the room, “Jack and I were sitting on the couch when Quinn opened the door for you and you came in and you looked all…”
“Dead?”
“I was gonna say sad but I guess that works too. Anyway, when you two went up I told Jack my plan and he hesitated about it but I knew he had a soft spot for you so he caved in easily. I ran to my room to get the bear and give it to you.”
“It was a stupid, plan.” Jack laughed again but he knew how much it meant to y/n. 
The girl shrugged and hugged Luke from behind, resting her arms on his shoulders as they wrapped around him, classping her hands together, “It’s okay, Luke. I loved it.”
Ellen smiled, “And following, you’ve always been a part of the family. Ever since Quinn came back from freshman orientation just bragging about the girl he met.”
“Mom.” Quinn threw his head back in annoyance and y/n giggled, “You talked to your mom about me? From freshman orientation? Ew, I was just a dork back then.”
“If I remember correctly, Quinn couldn’t stop talking about the girl that wore a Patrick Sharp Blackhawks jersey one or two sizes too big, with her hair in braids who talked about hockey with him for the duration of orientation.” Jim patted his son on his shoulder as Quinn continued to clench his eyes in embarrassment. 
“Do we really have to relive this moment?”
“Maybe not now but Ellen and I are definitely going to talk about this when you aren’t around.”
“Hey look at that, she called me Ellen! It only took her ten years.” The woman teased as she wrapped her “daughter” in a hug. 
“Hey! I thought I was being respectful, and it’s a force of habit.” Y/n blushed as she smiled and gasped when all of a sudden an armed wrap around her and Quinn pulled her into his lap.
“Quinn!” Quinn hid his face in the crook of her neck and breathed deeply, “I’m never going to live this down. 
“Probably not.” Looking at her watch, y/n realized the time, placing a kiss on Quinn’s forehead. 
“I should be going to bed, I got work in the morning. Night everyone!”
The four let out their goodnights and Quinn whispered an ‘I love you’ and y/n repeated the words to him before heading into their shared bedroom. The five Hughes’ sat in the kitchen for a couple of minutes in silence until Jack spoke, “So, when are you asking her?”
✧༺✎༻∞
‘The more that you say The less I know’
Freshman Year of College (17-18)
Sitting at one of the tables in the student center, y/n sat across from Quinn as he talked about whatever was going on in the hockey world. She understood hockey, enough to be able to watch the game when it was happening and she knew some of the stats, but anything past that, not a clue in the world. 
She loved it when Quinn talked about hockey though. His eyes lit up and held this glint in them, he talked really fast, just spewing out nonsense. It was the highlight of her day when it happened, it was at least once a day if not more. He would always show up outside her dorm room or offer to take her to dinner. 
Every time he did, it always took Quinn a while to notice that his girlfriend wasn’t responding and this was the same. Quinn was rambling about Ohio State’s hockey team and the upcoming game against them and she just sat there, amused by his voice and his facial expressions. 
Quinn was halfway through his ramble when he finally made eye contact with her, “You’re not paying any attention to this are you?”
“I’m sorry, babe, but it’s really hard to when you look like that when you talk.”
“Look like what? An idiot for not knowing my girlfriend is not listening to any word I say?”
“No, hot.” Quinn’s cheeks reddened as he looked at her, “You never fail to make me blush do you/”
“Absolutely not, and anyway, you know I never understand hockey. I try but it’s all in one ear and out the other.”
“I think one time we need to set up something so you can learn everything you need to know. Get you a book or make you a slide show or something.”
“Sure, Quinny. Whatever you say.”
✧༺✎༻∞
‘Wherever you stray I follow’
September of ‘21
“You can just put that box over there.”
Jack placed down the box where y/n said, “How much stuff do you have?”
“Wow, Jack. Can’t believe you’d be so mean to me. This is why Luke is my favorite.” Y/n placed her arm around Luke as he walked into the apartment, “What?”
“Nothing, you poor innocent little man.” Y/n walked away to start unpacking the box Jack had placed down not too long ago.
“Do you guys need any help?” Luke asked politely following after his brother’s girlfriend. 
“Nah, I’m okay. Thanks you guys, just chill out for a little bit before we go out for dinner.” The two nodded sitting on Quinn’s, and now y/n’s, couch.
Just at that moment, Ellen walked in from the hallway and Quinn followed her, “It would be nice of you two to actually help y/n instead of just sitting there.”
Jack threw his arms up, “We offered to help her and she said no!”
“Actually, I offered but yes, she said it was okay.”
Y/n nodded her head, “I did.”
༶•┈┈⛧┈♛
Later that night, y/n and Quinn were standing in the living room, looking out the window. Quinn was standing behind the girl with his arms wrapped around the waist, “I can’t believe this is real.”
“I know, the lights are beautiful.”
“Not that.”
“Then what?” She looked up at him to see a lovesick expression on his face. 
“You here, in Vancouver.”
“Hey, you didn’t want me to be here in the first place.”
“Yeah well, I wanted you to do what was best for you. I didn’t want you to move all the way out here just because I was here.”
“How dumb are you?”
“Very, apparently.” 
She smiled again and rocked the two of them side to side, “Whatcha wanna do?”
Quinn just winked at her eliciting a giggle from her.
✧༺✎༻∞
‘I'm begging for you to take my hand Wreck my plans That's my man’
July/August of ‘21 + November 7, 2021
“Quinn please!”
“Y/n, I’m not letting you do this. You had it all planned out since the moment we both got our acceptance letters.”
“I know that Quinn, but things change, plans change. I want to be with you, forever. I want to be wherever you are, please just let me come to Vancouver with you.”
The two stared at each other, eyes locked. They had been arguing for the past hour, ever since y/n brought it up. She had just graduated college and with Quinn having been in the NHL for the past two years she got a taste of what it would be like to do long distance, and it was horrible for both of them. 
“You know what is like. These past two years have been horrible, Quinn, and not just for me and you know it.” Her voice cracked, “I would rather wreck everything I have planned for my future just to move to Vancouver for you. I can find a job there.”
“Are you sure, like 100% sure about this?” Y/n placed her hands on his cheeks, “Of course, I’m sure.”
Quinn nodded his head, “When do you want to move in?”
༶•┈┈⛧┈♛
It was November when y/n was able to go to Quinn’s first home game. It was a Sunday and they were playing the Stars. She was extremely excited as she threw on her jersey and drove to Rogers Arena. She met up with some of the wags that were going to the game as well and they sat in the suite waiting for their husbands to start playing. 
When they all came out, they cheered in unison watching them skate. They conversed slightly, giving y/n teasing comments and glances every time the announces would mention Quinn or he had done something even remotely good for the team. It was worse when he got sent to the penalty box for cross-checking in the first period.
Most of them gave her cheeky grins when they showed him in the box, some giving her nudges. She blushed deeply as they made their comments. She didn’t know what was up with him tonight, he got three primary assists and a penalty. 
After the game, the wags excitedly took the girl down to the tunnel to wait for Quinn, “Hey, there’s your man.”
Y/n looked up and smiled, “That is my man.” 
Quinn smiled brightly, picking the girl up and spinning her around, “I can’t believe you’re here! You’re actually here!”
“Alrighty, Quinny, calm down. You’re causing a scene.”
“Sorry, babe. I’m just really excited that you’re here.” He smiled down at her, his hands on her lower biceps, just above her elbow, “I can tell.”
“What do you say, you guys want to go out for dinner?”
“Quinn I got work in the morning. I need some sleep. Maybe another time though?” The girls nodded their heads at y/n and let the young couple wander off out of the arena and to their car.
“I’m really glad you’re here. I don’t know if I would’ve survived another minute without knowing you weren’t waiting at home for me.”
“Well, you never have to survive another minute without me again. Unless you’re on a road trip then, yes, but you know what I mean.”
Quinn and y/n were so in love it was actually kind of annoying to some people, but they had to admit that they were absolutely adorable.
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𝑻𝑨𝑮𝑳𝑰𝑺𝑻 ˏˋ°•*⁀➷
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skzstannie · 5 months
Text
“We’d never want you to struggle alone”
SKZ-> ot8 x 9th member! reader
genre: angst wc: ~2100 cw: mentions of depression and death of family members, hatred for the holidays
Hi guys! Here’s my attempt at some Christmas/holiday angst. The fluffy Part 2 is posted and linked at the bottom of this post!
Feedback and likes/reblogs are greatly appreciated! I haven't got the chance to interact with too many people on here yet, so reach out if you'd like!
Happy scrolling!
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"Hey guys, I'm pretty tired. I think I'm gonna head to bed. Chan Oppa, I'm gonna go lay down in your room until everyone's ready to go back to our dorm," you wave off their comments asking you to stay with them and make your way to the leader's bedroom.
It's December 20th, and the guys are all gathered around the television in the 3Racha/Hyunjin dorm, binge watching Christmas movies. During a normal year, you'd all be at your own homes with your families, cozying up to the fireplaces and drinking hot chocolate with your siblings. However, this was no normal year, and your comeback ran too close to the holidays, not allowing you nor the boys to go home for Christmas. Not that you particularly minded; you hated the holidays.
You imagine what you'd be doing at home right now, no doubt curled up in your bed with an exciting romance novel, listening to some dark academia playlist you'd found on YouTube.
But you're not home, you're stuck here with a bunch of Christmas-crazed dorks who have spent the last few weeks decorating your dorms full of all things Santa Claus. You've been managing to sneak away whenever any holiday-esque activities are taking place. You've not told them of your hatred towards the holidays, and you're not really planning to, either, not wanting to be the reason their fun-filled nights are ruined; they're already sad enough about not being able to head home for the holidays, the last thing you want to do is be a scrooge. So, you’ve resorted to humbly excusing yourself, busying yourself with your own activities when the occasion arises.
As you walk into Chan's room, you take notice of all the little trees he has decorating his room. Cute. You pick up the picture of his family he has resting on his nightstand beside his bed. You stare at his mom, dad, siblings, and grandparents smiling faces, feeling the familiarly unavoidable pit in your stomach form.
Your parents and one set of your grandparents passed away in a car wreck about five years ago, before you debuted with the guys. Your other grandparents, your mother's parents, passed away before you were born, never getting the opportunity to meet them. So, that left just you and your brother. Your brother, being a few years older than you, started his own family the summer after your parents passed. He has a beautiful wife and two children now, one boy and one girl. They got right to baby-making after they got married, so excited to start a family of their own. Unfortunately, that family never included you. You only know of their children because you’re mutuals with your sister-in-law on social media.
Your brother essentially ghosted you after his first child was born. You two were never the closest sibling duo, but you never expected him to completely drop you and ignore your existence. But he did, and that's just something you have learned to live with.
You were not in a healthy place after all this happened. You had no one to go to when your heart was breaking, grieving the loss of both your dead and alive family members. You put all your focus into the trainee program, all your sadness and anger towards the world into your dance and song. Chan eventually found you on that one fateful day that you deemed saved your life. You were at the lowest of your low, and you thought you had finally reached your breaking point, but then walked in Christopher Bang Chan, all smiles and laughter. He recruited you to be in his group as one of the first, right after Han. From then on, you had another reason to keep going, to keep fighting.
You've never told the guys this. You have always been a more reserved member, keeping all of your personal life out of the spotlight. While the boys never heard you talk much about your family, really only knowing you have a brother, they always thought that, when you went home for the holidays, you went home to a nice big house filled with love. They thought when you walked in the doors to your childhood home, you were welcomed in by your parents with opened arms, beckoning you in. They thought you spent your Christmas mornings opening nicely wrapped presents, followed by a home-cooked breakfast that'd be shared amongst your family.
They didn't know of the single bedroom apartment you called yours. They didn't know of the bareness that captured your living room, baren of all things Christmas and the lack of Christmas cookies and presents on Christmas Day. They didn't know you've always spent your holidays alone.
Honestly, you were completely fine with their assumptions. You didn't need nor want their pity. Your family was still an incredibly sensitive topic to you. Before their passing, you were so very close. You'd spent every holiday together, enjoying your time as a family, doing all the cliche things. You'd even gone caroling a few times, walking around your childhood neighborhood singing the classic Christmas songs off-key to your friendly neighbors.
Afraid you'd spiral, leading you right back to how you'd been before Chan found you, you never brought it up, and the boys never pushed you to talk about your family. They figured you were normal with a mom, dad, and a loving brother-so what's to talk about?
The holidays have never felt the same; you knew they wouldn't. So why try? Why go through the effort of making yourself a nice Christmas dinner, attending church on Christmas eve and waking up early Christmas morning, when you knew your parents wouldn't be there to greet you. When you knew your grandmother wouldn't be there to give you the biggest hug she could muster in her old age. When your grandfather wouldn't be there to give you a hearty pat on the back, his only true form of physical affection you'd ever experienced in all your years with him.
A quiet knock pulls you out of your thoughts, and in walks Felix with a glass of milk in hand. You quickly set down the picture frame you didn't realize you were still holding and give him a warm smile.
"Hey, what's up?" you ask him, taking the glass from him and sipping on the cold beverage.
"I just wanted to make sure you were feeling alright. You've been pretty distant for a couple weeks now. Is everything ok?"
You're a little caught off guard, this being the first time anyone's noticed your pulling back since the beginning of December. You honesty didn't even realize anyone was paying attention to you, all of them too caught up in the festive activities and excitement of the season.
"Yea, I mean, I'm fine. Just a bit of seasonal depression," you write off his concerns.
"I didn't know you had that," Felix ponders his thoughts for a minute, giving you a loving look. "Is there anything I can do to help? Have you always had seasonal depression?"
While looking into Felix's warm, brown eyes, you decide that keeping all these things from them all these years has been unfair. They're never afraid of sharing their personal struggles with you. You think back to all the times Han's came to you with anxiety, and how you've wanted nothing more than to take away all his worry and pain. How Seungmin's came to you with his insecurities, and you always hyping him up, calling him the most beautiful boy. If any of them had kept their struggling to themselves, it'd crush you. How dare they feel like they couldn't come to you? Why would they want to struggle alone?
You realize that these feelings are most definitely reciprocated by the guys. Now, feeling vulnerable after being left alone with your thoughts for so long, you have the dire urge to come clean about your family.
"Actually Felix, I've been struggling with this for quite some time now. Can you, maybe just, listen? I've never talked to anyone about this, but I want to now. I want you guys to know," you fiddle with your hands, sliding one of your rings on and off your finger.
"Of course! You can always talk to me. Go ahead, I'm listening." He grabs your hand, halting your fidgeting. You look up at him, take a deep breath, and let it all out. Everything you've been holding onto these last few years. It probably sounds like word vomit, all your feelings and hardships falling out of your mouth at lightning speed. You finish your rambling, and you finally have the courage to look up at his face again.
He's crying. Equipped with all the theatrics, the wobbly lip and rosy cheeks. You made Felix cry with all your problems. You reach up to his cheek, wiping a few of his falling tears.
"Ok, I think I'm done," you freeze as Felix also brings his index finger up to your cheek. You flinch when he pulls away, seeing the dampness of it.
You're crying, too. You didn't even realize. I mean, it makes sense. You just trauma dumped all of your troubles onto Felix, the world's most renowned empath, of course you'd be crying.
You guys sit in silence for a minute, before Felix's whimpers become audible. He's so visibly distraught, and your heart breaks even more just at the mere sight of him.
He launches himself at you, clinging to you so tightly you think your ribs may crack. He tackles you back onto the bed, resting on top of you.
"Why did you never tell us this?" his sobs wreck through his body, his arms trembling around you, "We could've helped you."
"I was scared," you wriggle one of your arms free of his embrace, using it to affectionately run your hand through his hair. Your sobs join together as one, both of you a mess. "I was scared you guys would pity me, or look at me less. I was scared that I'd spiral again if I talked about it."
"Well, we're here now, Jagiya." He sits up after a few minutes. His cries have quieted, and so have yours. "We aren't going to let you continue going through this alone, ya know. We are one, and if one of us is hurting, we're all hurting. Please don't keep things like this from us anymore." He begs, standing from the bed. He grabs your hand and pulls you up, making his way towards the door.
"Where are we going?" your voice shakes and you pull away from Felix, standing in the middle of Chan's room. You wrap your arms around your middle, feeling more exposed than you ever have before.
"You know we have to tell the rest of them. They deserve to know, too."
"Felix, I don't think I can tell the story again. Once was enough for a lifetime."
"OK, do you feel comfortable with me telling them? I'll tell them exactly what you told me, no more, no less, ok?"
You frantically nod your head, grateful for Felix's suggestion.
He blows you a playful kiss, no doubt trying to make you feel better, and he leaves to go to the living room. You take your seat back down on the side of the bed and wait patiently for Felix to finish.
You don't hear much for the next few minutes, but you're startled by the swinging open of the door, the handle cracking against Chan's poor wall. Han stands there, a dazed look on his face. His glassy eyes meet yours, and you shriek when he takes off, leaping onto the bed onto your small frame. He wraps you up in a big hug, squeezing the life out of you.
"We love you, and we'd never want you to struggle alone. We're in this life together."
One by one, the rest of the guys make their way into the room onto the bed. We're haphazardly thrown into a cuddle pile of sorts. A cuddle pile filled with the love and adoration you've been missing during the holidays.
You all lay in each other's arms, and you feel incredibly comfortable and safe. Chan's the first to break the silence, "We have five days left until Christmas. What do you say we make some new Christmas traditions? We don't want to replace what you used to have, and you’re entitled to spend your Christmas season as you'd like. But, if you'll let us, we’ll give you something to look forward to about the holidays again. Please?" The guys are all looking at you now, each of them displaying a face that could rival a sad puppy.
You realize now that there's nothing to be scared of. These are your best friends you're talking about, who want nothing but to shower you in love and happiness.
"I'd love that."
Part 2
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