Today at the thrift shop i found the best painting ever and i immediatly knew that she is coming home with me

MR SANDMAN BRAINROT EUEUUUGGHHH

okay yay brainrot won the poll. also i might psot dragon chan headcanons requested by wallet becuz yaaaaaayyy

uhhh also i dont really gaf about timelines. so if something doesnt line up time wise. ignore it. shh

ermmm cw for child fighting!! mr sandman didnt have the best middle school experience

BAZOOKA'S THOUGHTS:

i need this man so badly PLS MR. SANDMAN ONE CHAAAAANCEEEE

who typed that omg…

GENERAL SANDMAN INFO (canon + headcanon)

full name: isaiah joseph banks

birthday: april 12th

age: 31

height: 6’5” (197 cm)

weight: 284 lbs (129 kg)

origin: philadelphia, PA, USA

gender: cis male

sexuality: bisexual (might be in denial lmao. men say theyre fighting demons and the demons r bisexuality LMFAO)

family:

victoria banks, mother, alive

george banks, father, alive

no siblings

HEAD CANON TIME:

- insomniac. goes between sleeping for 11 hrs during the day and not sleeping at ALL, also explains the eyebags in his TD

- incredibly horrible sleep schedule. stems from his childhood

- also stems from his childhood but not exactly the best at socializing w other people

- somehow is friends w glass joe. don't ask me how it works they just ARE (and they may be a little. fruity.)

- has one of those light up squishy things that u hit to change the color. yeah he either fucking SLAMS that thing or gently pats it when he wants to change it. it’s a bunny for anyone curious

- goes thru the 5 min nap to the 5 hour nap pipeline. “oh im just gonna take a small nap,” then wakes up w the blankets all over the fucking room, the god damn windows r open, he’s somehow upside down, etc etc

- him and the ref have beef after his TD victory animation

- was one of those kids that would be on his knees near some mulch playing w the roly polies on the playground. he'd have like 20 in his palms in 5 minutes

- if u catch him right when he wakes up (like. RIGHT right when he wakes up) he accidentally calls people “baby.” it’s a habit he picked up from his mom and he’s pushed it back into his mind, but it slips when he isn’t exactly thinking (totally not projecting my own habits onto him guys)

- adding to the above that the person who originally found this out was glass joe. take that as you will

- he sends some of his boxing money to his parents to support them (he’s a mamas boy LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE)

- doesn’t exactly search for a relationship, believes that when he decides he’s ready for one the right person will find him

- gets dragged into world circuit outings by either super macho man or aran ryan. on the rare occasion it’ll be soda. one time they all went bowling and sandman watched aran ryan throw a bowling ball like a fucking baseball and it broke the ceiling

- knows how to make a MEAN philly cheese steak. will be mentally freak out (positively) if someone mentions they’ve never had one before. if he wasn’t so stoic he would be jumping up and down and going “YAAAAAYYYYY🎉🎉🎉” becuz he finally gets an excuse to make one for someone

- has 100% almost broken the world circuit ring's ropes (see his intermission animation in contender)

- his locker in the locker rooms is either completely spotless or dented to hell and back. bonus points if theres like. a fake succulent in there or some shit

- luvs animals. takes pics of cool animals he sees anywhere

origin backstory thing under cur bc its long

origin:

isaiah joseph banks, known as his boxing alias mr. sandman, was born on april 12th to victoria banks and george banks in the Doylestown Hospital. born to loving parents, isaiah grew up as an only child.

isaiah learned to keep to himself and care for himself very early on, as both of his parents were usually at work. they worked hard to provide for isaiah and themselves, but always put their son first. they

the time they spent at work would be made up at home, albeit this time could never be fully made up for a young isaiah. he had spent more time with babysitters and nannies than his own parents. of course, isaiah knew his parents loved him, but all the bonds that were supposed to be formed hadn’t; the time frame had passed.

the time they did spend together was… memorable, really. not in a bad way, but every moment— every waking minute— made isaiah into the man he is today.

every night, when his mother was home early enough, she would sing him a soft lullaby. when she wasn’t, his mother had recorded this lullaby onto a tape for him to listen to. this lullaby was the song that made mr. sandman: Mr. Sandman by The Chordettes. it wasn’t a typical children’s lullaby by any means, but by god he loves that song— present tense intended.

then, a problem arose: school. starting middle school is one thing, but isaiah found out how cruel children could be.

isaiah was big, to put it lightly. five foot six at age 12 was enough ground for bullying, and being dropped off by a few different babysitters/nannies in the morning only added to the ammunition.

with how big he was, the bullying never went farther than verbal harassment. soft giggling every time he talked in class, glances from across the classroom, the bullying was subtle except for the occasional direct blow to isaiah.

his boxing interest began when he was thirteen, where his parents enrolled him in a self defense class that revolved around boxing and the sort. they had found out about the bullying from the babysitters, as isaiah had been reporting what they had been saying to him. there, young isaiah learned the basics of boxing: dodging, punching, and jabs had been added to his arsenal.

isaiah had always relished in the safety of knowing that he’d never get attacked at school, but unfortunately this was false.

it was brutal really; the poor boy had been caught in the bathroom and was attacked from behind, slammed his face into the sink, and assaulted from there. it took around two minutes for teachers to hear the commotion, but they were two minutes too late.

there, isaiah was brought to the hospital. no one truly knows the full extent of his injuries, minus his parents. if you look closely at mr. sandman, his top teeth are a little crooked.

nothing exactly eventful happened other than he moved schools, and everything was smooth from there.

his boxing career began to take off when he was 17, when he met an old babysitter of his— one who had taken care of him up until he was 13. he had become a boxing coach and offered to take isaiah up as a student.

if you ever ask mr. sandman in an interview about his boxing idol, he’d most likely say his coach. that man taught him nearly everything he knows, and even taught him the dreamland express move that mr. sandman is most known for, albeit modified.

mr. sandman picked up his alias when his coach told him about the WVBA and their boxers. it was almost inevitable he’d choose mr. sandman in honor of his mother.

he had his first fight at age 18, where it went swimmingly well. records of this fight have been lost to time, but, according to word of mouth, mr. sandman nearly killed the poor man.

i gotta be honest w u all idk how to continue this. umm mr sandman meets a wvba recruiter and then uh yah.😁😁😁

actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

out of context of course, what do you take me for? a sane person?

"they made lightning mcqueen hot"

"inch resting"

"Nix: Cars (2006) several people are typing..."

"im evaporating"

"enjoy precipitation"

"tow mater is more attractive than lightning mcqueen/hj"

"lightning mcqueen looks like he would call me a slur"

"why did I come back to a discussion regarding the attractiveness of vehicles"

"lark is the braincell of shiftblr tbh"

"you all need some grass in your life"

"me over here simping for block men and now literal cars"

"didn't nick wilde commit fraud canonically"

"i have no strong opinions on whether or not nick wilde is attractive"

"I AM AROMANTIC AND I AM NOT IMMUNE TO NICK WILDE"

"I am bisexual and I. Am not into Nick Wilde based on a simple fact he looks like he will drink all my pepsi and call me names"

"What is shiftbkr but not a bunch of simps"

"cries in Bianca Monroe"

"listen i have a folder called gayass

it is mostly pictures of kyoka jiro and virgil sanders"

"Nick Wilde x Reader where he steals your car 📷 carjacker to lovers AU 📷"

"he says "mama i like to step on keyboard""

"MY MOM JUST WALKED IN AND I HAD TO TELL HER I WAS LOOKING AT LIGHTING MC QUEEN HUMAN FANART"

"crab walks away"

""Y/N..." Nick whispered into your ear. "Your car...is a Honda Civic, right?" You looked up at Nick with a baffled expression. "Nick, my beloved? Whatever are you talking about?" "Just asking..." He said as he let you out of his embrace. "Hey, wanna see a magic trick, babe?" Your eyes sparkled. "Really, Nick? Of course!" Nick smiled. "Ok, close your eyes!" You giggled and closed your eyes, waiting for Nick to tell you to open up. Instead, you heard the loud rumble of a car starting up, and you open your eyes. Nick has stolen your car, and he has driven off into the sunset..."

"did y'all know his name used to be canonically Montgomery--he changed it to lightning mcqueen to get rid of his past"

"That is my exit number"

"cars trauma arc"

"wait do y'all know about car jesus" "as if jesus wasn't a ford focus in the bible"

"oh yall do not want to know about the trauma in my cars dr lmao"

"Dewit tau style babey make Lightning McQueen outlive everyone and stalk their reincarnations"

"Do they baptize other cars in like gasoline then"

"there is a pope car in the cars universe which means car jesus died for cars sins"

"NOT THE BOOMER MEMES"

"-lays facedown on the floor while caramelldansen plays-"

"like im serious how many of you guys endorse me falling face down on my floor" (NOT THE SAME PERSON AS PREVIOUS QUOTE)

"I will be Tall and no one can stop me"

"is a soft floor?"

"stop I thought faceplant meant like a succulent in the shape of a face instead of falling onto your noggin for a solid 10 seconds"

"Touch some grass??? What about eating grass"

"what if for every employee of the month i just printed out really horrible boomer memes"

"what ab smoking grass /j"

"Can the grassdirt smoothie be a special in the cafe"

"PLEASE IM ROLLING ON THE FLOOR REWRITINH THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE WHIKE SPEEDRUNINT MINECRAFT"

"you have to get good dirt from like the middle of a pennsylvanian forest for it to taste good though"

"I ate a four leaf clover as a kid cause i thought it would make me lucky"

"guys how do i see the mee6 leaderboard"

"I used to think i was half dragon and I ate plants out of sidewalk cracks"

"i think i punched someone"

"my parents told me to stop doing that so I looked at them and ate a flower"

"I ate grass when I was 9 bc I read warrior cats and thought I was a medicine cat ....................."

"bees are just spicy flies"

"I had a mental breakdown when I was three cause I didn’t know how to turn off a phone"

"My mom drank a bee once"

"when I was a baby I kinned ink sans."

"bro who here find the yellow hat man from curious george fine as heck 📷📷📷"

"mY LUNGSSSSSS"

"no one topping Him"

"I like em big"

"I think Moto Moto has no game like move over hunky boy I could beat you 1v1 Roblox Arsenal 📷📷📷"

"If you didnt have a crush on springtrap, jeff the killer, or Underfell/Gaster/Error sans don't talk to me /j"

"LOOK THEY'RE BOTH DILFS WITH ABS THAT WOULD FIGHT GOD"

"ZORO IS BANNED"

"Guys please help I found my old fnaf fanart from when I was 8 I'm in literal tears"

"OH NO BOT MY FIFTH GRADE HAMILTON PHASE"

"The worst attraction ive ever had has to be Sombra Overwatch"

"My family is like "save all ur art so I can sell it when you're famous" I literally could not sell this if I tried"

"screaming puppet"

"I just remembered Ive drawn overwatch/hamilton crossover fanart"

"my hermit crabs ate each other again"

"we're cannibals ????"

"having me here is a curse you have inflicted on yourselves and I for one am glad for it <3" "scitters around like a crab in anticipation"

"CARB DAY"

"WE NEED TO HAVE A WATCH OARTY"

"hey y'all ill be right back i have to throw away a crab carcass"

"if I watch cars I'm going to start laughing in the middle of it nonstop just because the word cars is funny and also cars are funny like how do you move silly little metal box with rubber circles"

"Lark asleep post catboy pitbul"

"Mwista Wowldwide! Nya!" "hermit crab 2: electric boogaloo"

"Is that why your name is chaos"

"manifest the crab power!!"

"cool dex fact: i can't read 📷"

"sighs adds to worship these entities list"

"with a knife <3"

"yeah and if he betrays me I could probably throw him across the atlantic ocean"

"give me his eyes"

"my good citizen i am a- wait no im nonbinary nvm"

"it worked on a fish idk what to tell you"

"what is gender??? Is that a board game?? If so can I be apples to apples that one's my favorite"

"CHUTES AND LADDERS"

"anyways actually my gender is Candyland"

"Oh god romes the destroyer of friendships/j"

"i am a simple gay i see math i run in the opposite direction survival instincts 101"

"math my beloathed"

"algebra makes me want to rip open a bag of swedish fish and swallow them whole"

"cackles in they're au characters and this will be very fun"

"pog !!!! me too ksajgks one of my drs is a sanders sides au"

"Is that bipper"

"tumblr sexyman"

"Good because he’ll fuck u up if u hurt a child"

"I want a wing-suit"

"looks like a bean would poison someone"

"my hermit crabs are cannibals what can i say"

"sonic the hedgehog kinnie"

"get yourself a man who is capable of the most ungodly actions but won't do them because of their morality owo"

"tell him he can steal my wallet"

"eyes"

"idk about y'all but I need blueberry sweet tea to live"

"y'know the red souls from soul eater i really want to eat those"

"but like only respectable crimes like stealing from elon musk"

"You can go cultbashing with he!"

"He acts like a flamboyant gay man, but if a flamboyant gay man was straight."

"Simp Satan 📷"

"definitely arson"

"They look like they enjoy lemon squares and other lemon desserts"

"Satan is all-powerful but he spends most of his time building honeymoon locations because he is convinced that the protag loves him"

"bc shes the reincarnation of his dead wife or something i guess"

annd here's a quote from our very own dream (@shiftingwastaken) that sums this post up:

"shiftblr but context makes it worse"

“Hi !! I’m greatly in love with your works and I was wondering if I could request scenarios for Ushijima & Iwaizumi as fathers. You can change the scenario if you don’t like it but I’d love to see their reactions to their daughter introducing them to her volleyball player boyfriend. Sorry if this doesn’t make alotta sense and thanks in advanced if you write my request !! Keep up the good work & stay safe :D”

hi anon!!!! I presume that you want it in a hc format??? But i hope i wrote it okay!!! Thank you, and stay safe too!!! <3

Ushijima:

* He’s such a dad(dy)

* He honestly loves you so much, and when he realises that you’re pregnant, it’s the first time you see such a big, silly smile spread across his face.

* He’s going to carry you around everywhere when you’re pregnant, and he’s going to make sure you’re out of harms way whenever he’s with you.

* He’s carrying everything for you too!!! Water bottle? It’s no longer on your hands, it’s found it’s way into his bag. Powerbank? He’s stowing it away in a zipper.

* The only thing he’ll let you carry if your wallet and phone LOL.

* And when your baby pops out????

* That big, silly smile is returning, and he’s lacing his fingers with yours as he smile down at your little girl.

* In the anime and manga, you can see Ushijima’s dad teaching Ushijima volleyball!!!!!!!!

* You can bet that Ushijima’s teaching your little girl how to play volleyball the moment she can stand up and walk around.

* There are days where you’ll be laying in bed, and you’ll hear giggles down at the front yard, and when you peer your head out of the window, your daughter’s happily laughing as Ushijima smiles at her and receives a ball.

* He’s so soft for you and her, honestly.

* There’s nothing that he won’t do for the both of you.

* He brings your daughter and you to all of his games and tournaments bc he’s a professional volleyball player, and he’s always smiling whenever he sees the two of you by the stands, waving and cheering at him.

* And when his little girl first heads for high school???? He’s holding your hands tightly as the both of you wave goodbye to her.

* That’s the first time you see him shed a tear.

* And when she gets to join the girl’s volleyball team????

* He’s dragging you to go to all her games, and everyone’s so shocked when he appears bc SHIT, that girl’s father is THE USHIJIMA WAKATOSHI???????????

* And when he cheers for her, he’s voice is the loudest, and reverberates around the entire stadium, and everyone else falls silent.

* Your daughter is so embarrassed LOL

* But she always smiles at her father after she gets a spike in, and you always see him shoot a small smile back.

* ONE DAY, your daughter tells you that she’s bringing home someone for dinner that day.

* And you’ve obviously been a girl her age before, so you’re like 👀 okay, Ushiwaka 2.0.

* Ushijima doesn’t know, LMAOOOOOOO, he was in the toilet when she tells you that.

* Can you imagine the look on his face when your daughter says that there’s one more person that’s coming when he asks whether they can have dinner yet.

* ITS THAT FACE. THAT CALM, BUT LOOKS LIKE HES GOING TO MURDER SOMEONE FACE.

* When your daughter opens the front door and ushers in a boy that smiles at her, his eyebrows furrow just a bit and you have to hold back a laugh.

* Then the boy catches sight of Ushijima and his smile instantly melts away and he looks like he was going to wet his pants LOL

* “Hi, Mr and Mrs Ushijima.”

* You’re smiling and waving at that guy, because someone has to be the good cop here.

* Then Ushijima puts out a hand for the guy to shake, and when the guy nervously shakes his hands, you swear you see Ushijima’s hands clamp down on his.

* DID YOU HAVE TO CALL THE AMBULANCE BECAUSE SOME BOY WAS ABOUT TO BREAK ALL THE BONES IN HIS HANDS????????????

* “Dad.”

* Your daughter is saying in that voice of hers, and Ushijima finally relents and beckons the boy to sit.

* HAH THATS THE FIRST TIME you see Ushijima not eat his usual portion of dinner, instead opting to observe that poor, unfortunate boy.

* “Dad, do you know (poor boy’s name) plays volleyball? He was recruited for the U19 national volleyball team for practice.”

* Then you see a click flip in Ushijima’s mind.

* His eyes widen, and his stance relaxes, just the slightest.

* TBH THIS ENTIRE TIME HE WAS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE TO THE BOY BUT HE DIDNT KNOW HOW TO MAKE CONVERSATION LOLOLOLOL

* So he starts talking to the boy about what he knows best: VOLLEYBALL!!!!!

* The boy and him get along swimmingly, and your daughter is prodding you in the arm.

* “Mom, does that mean Dad’s okay with (poor turned happy but awkward boy’s name)?”

* You smile at her, and ruffle her hair.

* “Why don’t you ask daddy later.”

Iwaizumi:

* HES SUCH A DAD(DY) TOO RIRIFIFJDK

* When you tell him your pregnant, his eyes widen just the slightest, and he’s picking you up and spinning you around.

* “ARE YOU SERIOUS, (Y/N)???????”

* Then he puts you down and is looking at you worriedly.

* “Oh shit, did i hurt little (Y/N)???”

* He’s pressing his head to your belly and listening for any sounds.

* WHAT A CUTE IDIOT.

* He’s instantly making sure you don’t do any chores in the house, and he’s lifting any heavy thing for you.

* He’s also installing anti-slip mats in the bathroom because he doesn’t want you to fall!!!!!!!!

* Whenever you guys go out he makes sure to always hold your hand so he can pull you out of danger if necessary.

* And when little (Y/N) comes out, he’s crying.

* Like, this man loves you so much?????? And now he has two (Y/N)s to love?????????? He can’t even talk anymore.

* He’s the sweetest, honestly.

* Whenever your little girl wants to play, he’s abandoning whatever he was doing at that moment to play with her.

* Fake tea party? He’s a princess ready to thank her for inviting him.

* Superhero fight? He’s picking her up and running throughout the house, bringing her to a stop in front of you to let her shoot you with fireballs.

* There are days where you wake up to the fresh smell of eggs and bacon and the sounds of giggle and laughs, and you’ll pad out of the room to see her helping him cook.

* RIRIIFFJ I LOVE HIM FIRIFIFID

* When he sees his little girl in her high school uniform, he’s so damn PROUD.

* He’s happily waving at her with his hands held tightly on your waist, and when she’s out of view he’s burrowing his head into your shoulders and crying a little.

* HE JUST LOVES THE BOTH OF YOU SO MUCH RIRIFIF

* When your little girl joins the girl’s volleyball team and becomes setter (thanks to her GREAT uncle Oikawa), Iwaizumi’s making sure he’s bringing you to all of her games.

* “(Y/N) LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!”

* He’s screaming himself hoarse when she dumps the ball in front of the team.

* When she laughs and waves at him he’s beaming with pride.

* But he’s not beaming with pride when your daughter brings home her boyfriend one day.

* He’s muscles are tense, and his eyes are narrowed.

* It’s the face that appears whenever Oikawa pissed him off back in high school.

* When he was ready to hit someone.

* You have to whisper in his ears to tell him to relax before he actually forces out a smile.

* Because as much as he wants to beat that boy up, he wants to be supportive towards his little girl.

* “Mr and Mrs Iwaizumi.”

* The boy politely greets, and you have to whisper into Iwaizumi’s ears that hey, at least the boy is polite!!!

* He sighs, and reaches out a hand to shake with the boy’s.

* LMAO ITS UNINTENTIONAL, BUT HES INSTANTLY USING HIS BEST GRIP ON THAT POOR BOY.

* “Dad.”

* That tone of your daughter’s causes him to sigh, and release the boy’s hands.

* He invites the boy to another room to have a ‘nice’ chat with him after dinner, and your daughter keeps asking you if her boyfriend will be okay.

* THEYRE HAVING AN ARM WRESTLE IN THE NEXT ROOM LOLOLOLOLOL

* Okay when the boy loses, because Iwaizumi’s doing his BEST to pin that hand down, Iwaizumi at least respects that the boy had enough power to resist him for half a minute.

* “You take care of (your daughter’s name), got it, boy?”

* “Yes!!! Sir!!”

ahhh i hope it’s okay anon!!! hope you enjoy!!!

god ive been looking at u and ellian reblog quotes and tagging them with names and i was so curious and oooooh this is so cool!!! i am looking directly at it 👁️👁️👁️ if u ever feel like sharing more i would love to hear it it sounds so fucking cool

waaa claudio<333333 god how to begin to unpack them...

nyx was my dnd oc, she was a very sexy tiefling rogue, a pirate and professional thief. she’s cranky and lonesome and very straightforward. if you ask her if she stole your wallet she would simply say yes, like, what are you gonna do? fight her for it? she has 2 swords and is jacked bro, try it<3

she was abandoned at birth bc every dnd oc needs a splash of trite cliche backstory, and she didnt know this but her mom was a sea deity/abyssal demon and bc of this she had MAGIC too it was very hot, all green light and wild magic sorcery multiclassing. 

her and jouka (ellians main oc) are both such reticent isolated little freaks, but they had a lovely Moment in one of our sessions and even though we didnt really know shit about each other’s characters even as players, they just so beautifully Clicked and we were like Oh Whoa....they’re both really similar in the way theyre so focused on their own objectives and orient their worldviews and values on the few people they love rather than any other fixed points and it makes the bond they have so waaaa u know?

nyx would 100% follow jouka wherever, and help him get his goal, bc she’s led such a solitary life and assumed she would die on a job or whatever, and like i said her morals are very internal. so to feel as strongly towards jouka as she does is really unexpected and surprising, but SO meaningful yk, so now her morals are bound to him and shes like. yeah i dont care i Will stay with you no matter what bro we’re IT. and they ARE fdjcnx

(ideally what happens is jouka goes on a hot little necromantic revenge quest (ill let ellian explain that) and nyx is like ‘okay bro i love you so i will help as best i can’ and she sticks with him right until the end and mercy kills him bc he asks her to, and shes so mad bc how can he ask this of her but as if she would deny him u know? which, to be clear shes not evil or amoral, but in the fantasy dnd world, morality and crime are obviously in such different and skewed placements yknow, and bc of the life she’s lived she’s fully like. yeah i care about me and the people i love, and thats about it.)

modern au nyx is japanese-american and her names akira kishi, and she suffers the same brand of asian brainrot as i do re: family gfhdnc. she ran away from home when she turned 18 and she’s best friends and roommates with jouka (and kai) and they live an asian supremacy life<3 theyre so fucking messy and fun and stupid, and nyx loves jouka and kai like family even though she will not tell kai this bc hes insufferable as it is. she’s extended her circle of tolerated individuals to accept jouka’s siblings as well even though her and lem do NOT get along at first at ALL (they reach a truce after nyx accidentally stabs lem, its fine, its not major, dont worry about it)

ok this is already so long but waaa kai<3333 he started as another dnd oc concept when i was REALLY going through it about the various brotherly bonds in mdzs and since the primary villain of our campaign at the time involved the undead, i was like o word im gonna give this guy an undead brother to chase down and avenge

so kai was a psionic sorcerer, he had telepathic abilities and could do nonverbal spells and stuff BUT he acts like he cant do shit until its like. absolute dire straits and he Has to show off fhdsjcxn otherwise hes just like waa please help me i am but a fragile little man ): 

hes very fun and friendly and sweet, but hes laser focused on finding his brother and killing whoever murdered him, and he truly does not care about anyone who gets in the way of that

modern au kai is a sweetheart, but hes so spoiled and used to getting what he wants bc hes cute and Very aware of it u know. plus his older brother, xingkui, half raised him and protected him from that specific cold brand of wrath asian parents can wield u know fhdcxn so hes just like, been so cared for and protected his whole life

hes super friendly and fun, but hes quite careless with people as well bc nothings ever That Deep for him and he doesnt stop to consider that it could be for others, and when its pointed out to him he just shrugs it off like ‘ok that sounds like a them problem though’ (except he has a real soft spot for lem bc cmon how could you not)

MOST important kai fact: he has bubblegum pink hair and his wardrobe is half very nice expensive fruity clothing and half shit hes stolen from his friends and his brother

god okay theres SO MUCH MORE about all of them and the various AUs we have (gothrat au is the band jouka and nyx formed, theres a bodyguard au bc nyx is so chefs kiss perfect for that, and a detective noir au bc its sexy and why not, and so on and so forth) but ill spare u further essays about it. i love them sosososo much and not to be narcissistic but truly nobody is doing it like vallian when it comes to OCs

and introduction.

meet elijah.

hey guys! im lina! im 18 and im in the cst timezone. im currently a freshman in college and ive also been rping for like 6 years now ( i started on the neopets chat boards. if thats not an embarrassing fun fact idk what is ) but i havent rped since this summer since school was and still is kicking my ass. im really into musical theater, marvel & dc, and disney! i also used to be a lifeguard at a great wolf lodge for 2 years so if u want any funny stories about stupid children, or even just wanna be friends, lmk! im also SUPER sorry this intro is so late. i was gonna do it yesterday but then my friends wanted to hang and it kinda went downhill from there. im actually posting this like 20 min before i have a lab practical so i wont be able to reply until late tonight, but like this post to plot or anything!

some fun facts abt elijah:

he was adopted when he was around 3-4? he was abandoned and left on the back of a merchant cart headed to corona, where he was then discovered and then put into the local orphanage since no one was sure where he came from or who left him. all he had was a stuffed bear (named wooly), a basket of water and fruits to eat, and a letter that explained that:

his name was elijah

he was 2 (born on february 28th)

his parents couldnt care for him, so they hoped he would be found by a kind soul who could either take care of and love him, or else get him to someone who could

they loved him and only left him in the hopes that he would have a better life

he lived in the orphanage for almost 2 years and the few months before the 2nd anniversary of his arrival, rapunzel & eugene visited the orphanage that eugene grew up in and fell in love w/ eli, promptly adopting him soon after. he barely remembers anything about his abandonment and time in the orphanage, but always wanted to find his birth parents and let them know how he turned out. he kept the bear and basket in his room but carries the letter around with him in his wallet wherever he goes.

his full name is elijah frederic fitzherbert. he was given the middle name frederic in honor of his grandfather.

but, he much rather prefers eli. doesnt mind formalities but insists on people who know him to call him by his nickname. except he HATES being called “highness” bc he thinks it sounds stupid. he wont get upset per se if u keep referring to him as “your highness” but he will get annoyed

he very much wants to fulfill his role as “corona’s golden boy” by contributing back to his people. he worries for the kingdom more than he worries for himself and is always trying to prove that he is worthy of being a prince rather than just some random kid who got lucky enough to get adopted. most of his days are spent doing modest favors and helping out the townspeople or visiting the villages surrounding the kingdom.

when he’s in the castle you can almost always find him in the kitchen! boi loves to bake and cook. he loves the way food can bring joy to everyone. he often makes goods to give to the townspeople or the kids at the orphanage, where he volunteers at least every 2 weeks when hes not busy w prince stuff.

has an acute fear of disappointment. he feels so much pressure to prove his worth that came from growing up thinking if he did anything wrong he’d be sent back to orphanage, esp since his parents had another child. they wouldn’t want or need him anymore. he mostly got over this when he broke a vase when he was 12 and tried to run away from home, except he fell out the tree that he used to climb out his window and broke his leg lmao. his parents assured him that no matter what he did they would still love him and never abandon him, and his dad also taught him how to climb trees and roofs without dying (much to his mom’s chagrin). even tho hes pretty much over it, it kinda lingers subconsciously. thus, he overcompensates in everything he does and gets overly anxious about small problems

growing up he thought the stories that his dad told him about his past were so cool, despite the fact that he would almost always only hear those stories when he was being taught lessons of what he shouldnt do. he used to run around pretending to be flynn rider and his dad played along, planning play heists for them to do together (think scott & cassie in that one scene from ant man and the wasp) but they stopped when eli hit that age where he thought it was embarrassing to play w his dad. but, it really helped him bond w eugene and help him work on his coordination bc eli is CLUMSY AF

eli legit trips over nothing at least twice a day.

he bonded w his mom through art tho, which eventually turned into aesthetic desserts and meals! thats another reason why he loves baking and cooking so much.

when his 1st sibling was born when he was 5 at first he was jealous. he didnt get much attention at the orphanage due to the fact that there were so many kids and he was just starting to get used to the idea of having parents didnt have tons of kids always trying to win their affection and attention. he thought having a little sibling was the worst thing in the world and would hide from his parents bc if they couldnt find him they couldnt send him away. he hated his sibling.

until he met them. the second he saw their chubby face he was hooked. he swore that he would do anything and everything for them. and that continued when his parents adopted his other siblings as well. he absolutely adores them and acts like the protective older bro role

thankfully, with such a large age gap eli never rlly had to go through any of those petty squabbles that siblings usually have. he was always pretty protective of them tho and would fight when he thought they were being reckless and dumb out of his own fear that if they got hurt he would be an awful big brother (again, fear of disappointment)

he loves to travel bc his mom would always take him to these extravagant kingdoms and on these amazing sightseeing trips

this boy is hopeless when it comes to love. i can imagine lots of ppl liking him on top of all the ppl throwing themselves at him bc royal, but him being completely oblivious and thinking that no one likes him.

he had rlly bad ADD as a kid but its gotten better as hes grown. he still occasionally struggles w executive functioning tho and always gets rlly frustrated when he cant focus or remember

like i said earlier, clumsy af. no coordination. the only athletic ability he ever had was horse riding and running

that said he has a horse named may (short for mayonnaise. dont ask

he likes music a lot. prob learned piano at a young age

he probably is at the party bc royals? idk

EDIT: although (currently) unknown to eli, his true birth mother is maleficent. when eli was 2, his birth father took him away from her and had her suppress eli’s natural born powers. his father realized he was unfit to care for him, so he was the one who abandoned eli.

wanted connections!!

obv his parents and siblings? i mean cmon

one ( or both???? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) of his birth parents!!!!! they dont have to know that eli is their son or mayb they do and are too scared to tell him, but being trapped together will eventually make it revealed

childhood friends! people he met when he traveled w his mom or met at royal social functions? i rlly also want friends that he would hang w at all the royal galas and stuff and they would go do dumb stuff like look sneak out and look for secret passages of make bets of who could dump more crab cakes into the stuffy duchess’ purse when she wasnt looking

people who know him solely through his family

someone who likes eli and eli legit has no clue, no matter how much they flirt and drop hints

people who hate eli! or even just dislike him, which makes him upset bc he doesnt like the idea that there are ppl who dont like him in the world. mayb bc sometimes he gets super highstrung when things arent going how they should b and he like lashed out at them once or something. maybe they hate his parents and on principle hate him. idk

someone who was w eli in the orphanage

past relationships? i feel like hes never rlly had a bad breakup tho, its just that they prob just didnt work out. hes also bi so they can b any gender. hes still looking for his otp

idk, legit anything. send me those plots man

Okay but what if Tori met Luke much much earlier? Like when he was still on the run with Thalia and Anabeth. Tori going out to buy some sweets and Luke stealing them cause he got 2 girls to feed and Tori being all angry trying to catch him and idk... at the end she didnt catch him and forgets about it. But jokes on Luke, he got the sweets but she got his heart.

someone sent me this ask in forever and a day ago, and i can’t seem to find the original ask :/ which is also probably why i forgot about it -_-;

but i was looking thru my luke/tori misc file on my desktop (in a word file bc i had been planning on writing smth for it and i guess i got caught up in everything else) and found it again!! it was a very sweet surprise lol

so i’m here to remedy my forgetfulness with some hcs and a cute, fluffy drabble for ya’ll

so tori’s 12 and luke’s 13, so she steals his heart in more of a crush/squish the way middle schoolers do way at this point

a yr, maybe a few months before shit hits the fan for tori (and kinda luke since the whole thalia-getting-turned-into-a-tree thing happens ya know)

so let’s say...they’re in nyc proper, and uh luke, thalia, and annabeth are hanging out in one of their forts they built (i wish we knew more abt where they went, bc somehow they ended up all the way in west virginia at some point wow)

and luke goes out to find them food in the big city since it’s a great place to pickpocket ppl

tori, diana, and dan are out abt the town getting some mexican sweet bread as a special treat for dan getting cast lead role in his middle school play

as well as some sugary treats for tori for working hard to get her grades up (what with her dyslexia and adhd and all)

and diana lets tori carry the bag--one of those, “please let me carry the bag bc it makes me feel all grown-up and responsible” kind of things

so they’re walking down the busy streets, diana’s got both her hands in one of tori’s and one of dan’s

luke spotted them as they were exiting the baker, and see the bag tori’s holding and thinks that it’s too easy

but he’s hungry, thalia and annabeth are hungry and counting on him. instead of pickpocketing someone for their wallet and buying food (which would take too long and his stomach feels like its collapsing in on itself, so that would make concentrating hard) he decides to take an easier route

so he makes his way around them, jumping in and out of side-streets and alleys so he can get in front of them and approach from the front for easier grabbing and going

when his chance comes, he begins briskly walking, almost a jog, almost a run toward three williams, aiming for tori’s bag

he bumps her shoulder pretty hard, while making a grab for the bag

tori exclaims, “hey” and glares at him

dianan pulls tori more toward her

and luke realizes tori has a stronger grip on the bag than he thought

but he’s already a few inches away, still pulling at the bag and when tori realize’s what’s happened, her eyes widen in shock

luke takes advantage of that moment and yanks the bag from her fingers before turning and booking it

since it’s new york no one really cares abt the kid running down the sidewalk, clutching a bag to his chest like a football player

he hears a woman’s voice call out “tori!” in a panic and luke glances back to see the girl following him, running at full speed toward him, her brown eyes blazing with determination

that’s never happened before, not with a kid as young as tori

kids always screamed or cried and stayed with their parent(s) as he took off and disappeared

luke faces forward, pushing himself as hard as he can without overdoing it since he is kinda starving

but bc he’s malnourished and starving, every breath is like razor-blades in a lungs, and his visions starts to go a little fuzzy

he’s pretty sure he can hear tori’s footsteps behind him and when he glances back again, she’s gained on him

behind her are her mom and dan

desperately trying to focus, he faces forward again and calls upon the city’s map mentally and makes a route of escape

he swerves into an alley with a fence blocking off the other side, but luke doesn’t even hesitate, he throws the bag over mid-run and launches himself up onto the fence and easily scales it

tori turns into the alleyway just as he lands and picks the bag up

“give those back! they’re not yours!” she yells, going forward and grabbing the fence

at first luke thinks she’s just going to glare at him and shake the fence--many ppl have done that

but his jaw drops a little when she begins climbing it

in all the yrs he’s been on the run, this had to be the weirdest thing he’d ever seen, and that included the monsters he’d encountered

here was this tiny girl with blond pigtails, in a dress her grandma probably made for her, and mary janes scaling a fence in a nyc alley

more footsteps sound at the end of the alley, the side that tori’s on, and luke quickly darts behind a dumpster, crouching and clutching the bag to his chest

his knees are weak, and his vision now has spots, so he needs this break

he only hopes that those footsteps signaled the girl’s, tori’s, mom

and he lets out a sigh of relief when he hears, “tori”

diana is standing a few feet from the fence that tori has almost just scaled

dan is behind her, a “you’re in trouble” smirk on his face

“mom he stole our treats! i worked hard for that candy!”

“he’s not here, tori. please get down, i don’t want you to get hurt”

“he’s right there mom! behind that dumpster, let me just--”

“Victoria Anna Williams”

tori lets out a heavy sigh and begins to climb back down the fence

meanwhile, luke mouths her full name, picturing her climbing the fence. it suits her and he finds he really likes her name

“we’ll go buy some more. sometimes that happens.”

diana takes tori’s hand and squeezes, kneeling down and wiping some sweat from tori’s forehead

“please don’t run off like that again, you had mommy really worried”

“i won’t, i’m sorry.”

diana takes their hands again and they head back to the bakery

luke waits a few minutes just in case before heading back to thalia and annabeth

“wow, you got bread this time! who’d you steal it from?”

luke shrugs, “just some girl. wasn’t holding on to it very well”

“you’re face is red” thalia points out when she looks up from digging through the bag

luke starts. “is it?” he was thinking abt that girl, victoria. tori

“...yeah” thalia’s tone is like, “you think i’m lying?f”

“well i did just run a lot”

“you weren’t red before” annabeth points out helpfully

“look, i got the food okay and i’m starved, so lets dig in”

thalia and annabeth brush it off bc they’re also hungry, but while they eat all luke can think abt is looking back and seeing that girl chase him

and until they meet again, he can’t get her out of his head

fast-forward: luke’s been at camp now for abt a month or so when tori shows up again

and when he first sees her, his heart stops before doing a little somersault and he thinks, “it’s her. it’s the girl. tori.”

but he can also see she looks pretty despondent and so restrains himself from going up to her

besides what would he say, “hey i’m the kid who stole the bread and candy from you, but i haven’t been able to stop thinking abt you since bc i think i have a crush on you?” yeah. right.

besides it doesn’t even seem like she remembers him or that incident, which is kinda embarrassing bc he can’t stop thinking abt it

like in my og story, itps, they have that test to see what skill they’re good at, go into the forest to fight monsters, have more skilled campers watch over them

luke is so busy thinking abt how he could introduce himself without compeltely embarrassing himself when he realizes that tori’s in danger

he goes to her rescue, kills the hellhound, leans over her and helps her cover her wound before yelling for medic feeling insanely guilty abt everything

then he looks down at her and her eyes widen in recognition and she gasps, exclaiming, “it’s you!” before passing out

and now for the drabble :D fast-forward many yrs, they’re both alive, mid-twenties, and living together in nyc

Tori couldn’t sleep. She rolled over, reaching for Luke, but his side of the bed was empty. Still warm, though, so he’d just gotten up.

She glanced at the clock: 3am. Frowning, she sat up, throwing her legs off the side of the bed.

What in the world could he be doing at 3am?

She stood and shuffled out into the living room, which was right next to the kitchen, only separated by a breakfast bar. The lights are on and Luke is in the kitchen. Tori can see ingredients for Mexican sweet bread spread out on the table. Luke’s looking so intently at a cookbook that he doesn’t notice Tori enter the kitchen.

She wraps her arms around his waist and presses her nose into his back, inhaling his comforting scent before pulling back and resting her cheek against his spine. Luke rests his hands on hers.

“I wanted this to be a surprise.” She can hear the pout in his voice and giggles.

“Why are you making bread at three in the morning, Sticky Fingers?” she asks.

Luke sighs and turns to face her. “I wish you wouldn’t call me that.”

Tori keeps her arms wrapped around his waist, resting her chin against his chest so she can look up at him.

“Tell me to stop and I will.”

Luke presses his lips together, his eyes narrowing, but he says nothing. They’ve had the same conversation a million times before. When she woke up from that hellhound attack, Luke was there, wanting to apologize as soon as possible. She had remembered him and what he’d done, and from then on, his new nickname was Sticky Fingers.

That was also the day he came up with her nickname.

“What are you doing up, SweeTart?”

Tori groans and presses her forehead against his chest, hiding her face. “I told you, it was a phase!”

The bag hadn’t just been filled with bread, it’d also been filled with boxes of SweeTarts. A lot of them.

Luke chuckles and runs his fingers through his hair. He knows she’s joking. Much like how he jokes about his nickname.

“Go back to bed,” he murmurs. “I’ll bring you some warm milk.”

Tori is silent for a while before mumbling, “With honey.”

“Of course.”

Sighing, Tori finally lets go of Luke and pulls back. They lean in for a kiss before Tori shuffles back into the bedroom as Luke pulls out a small pan to heat the milk and mix the honey.

And as that’s heating up, he turns back to the bread. It was for their anniversary--not when they’d officially decided to go steady, but the day that he’d stolen bread from her and she’d stolen his heart.

blegh, i definitely changed tenses bc the way i write hcs and the way i write-write are two completely different styles and tenses, but i wrote the drabble immediately after i wrote the hcs and i’m tired, so switching back was a challenge. one i did not win this time around

it’s also a lil rough around the edges, but this was just a fun little, impulsive thing i wanted to do. i love me some fluff b/t my bbys, and i’m not...too terribly busy??? quite yet

so i figured this was a good opportunity to unwind a lil bit and write some fun stuff involving my two faves

i know you probs don’t even remember sending this in, but thanks anyway for sending this! i had a lot of fun with it ^_^

Small July Wins

1 - atikah and racheel came over, oa webinar (rheumatology), duolingo (DL)

2 - they ended up sleeping over, DL, "attended" pak Kus' webinar just becausee hes my skripsi advisor

3 - a page of padi cbt, idai webinar (respiratory disease in covid era), DL

4 - ran 3 laps in my house complex (afterwards my heart was pounding against my chest), hopecardis webinar (arrythmia), DL

5 - 1 ma article (moluskum kontagiosum), perkani webinar (congenital heart disease), DL

6 - DL, idai webinar (pregnancy and newborn stuff in covid era), put sheet mask on lol i neglect my face a lot lately

7 - accompanied juan with mom to perbanas institute for sbmptn, while waiting we went to lucky cat and imeri to get apd, picked up juan, went to social pot (kokas) afterwards, DL. Lucky cat was empty, the vibes of a cafe felt new to me (it surely has been a while). I felt super refreshed. Did some writing for ma article there. Tried salmon and black olive spaghetti, caesar salad, mom drank piccolo. The spaghetti kinda tasted like mi telor but with salmon lol. Talked and laughed plenty with mom :) i rarely talk with her nowadays. Im glad the awkwardness melted away

8 - videocalled with apa salahku for gaby's birthday, zoom for school prep (covid safety stuff), a bit of cbt padi, DL

9 - negative rapid test alhamdulillah, fk digital (kejang anak), cbt padi, DL

10 - some exercise, talked with shiko on zoom, DL, aand since i started padi CBT i finished 2 tryouts (150 questions). It’s not a lot but Im proud of myself :)

11 - went to tj duren with ara, but while we wait the n95 seller we went to citraland, tried fried salmon roll at shigeru, ended up meeting the guy at cl, afterwards we got pisang goreng madu bu nanik, went to rodalink pesanggrahan, ended up getting seirockya at puri, and then i dropped ara off at tj duren. Theeen i went to devis place to hang out and sleepover. Lots of foods. Delicious "lava cake" made from instant brownie mix. Played werewolf. In the morning i managed to finish the pre and post tests in OCI Covid. Happy tummy and laughter :) i hope i can be more productive after this

12 - DL (thank god i freezed streak for weekend because i completely forgout about it yesterday), during sleepover @ devi’s we watched love for sale, a copy of my mind, and love for sale 2. The frustration is real bruh we rly wanted to know more about Arini. Did UKDMA (2 attempts, score: 24, 58), wrote 1 MA article, sorted my downloads folder a bit. After ‘wasting’ (happy times is never a wasted time but still, there’s stuff to do) my time yesterday i felt more urge to do something useful

13 - actually started my day with DL and padi cbt wow (brain still fresh from sleep), CBD about BPPV with dr Widayat. Since ive experienced one before i asked and asked and asked lmaooo. Packed up some of the stuff for tomorrow, hoping to not forget things. Read the journal for litrev before bed

14 - DL, first day of school after a while -- turns out weight distribution is key to avoid sore butt LOL. You kinda have to also support your body weight on your feet. Theres no sore butt at all during my 50 mins trip (amazing feat if you ask me). Went to poli rhinologi (DPJP: dr niken) she kindly gave me a patient to examine, and casually told me to put anterior tampon. I, who have never attempted it, was holding back my fear of trying something new lol. Alhamdulillah, i can somehow do it (even though one tampon fell, tiffany paboooo). The ppds kindly explained stuff to me and i feel like i shamelessly ask nowadays. Like it would be a waste not to ask something. Next was CBD @ Ara’s, we ate Ayam Bakar Mas Walid. Liqo with kak Kartika.

15 - DL, did litrev in the morning bcs i fell asleep lmaoo, tweaked tumblr a bit (i like low contrast the most), fell asleep while watching larynx anatomy video until 1:30 pm yalll i missed half of cbd. Tried to read stuff for poli larfar tomorrow.

16 - DL, ppds i met today lives in poris and worked at puskesmas kalideres lmaoo. Had a bit of headache and gassy stomach that felt better after sleeping and eating. thank god i was picked up by mom and theres food and stuff. i guess the difference of being at home and kosan is that you kinda remember more who youre fighting for. my mind felt healthy-ish lately, of some sort. but the headache made me sluggish

17 - DL, nevermind about the healthy mind part lmaoo

18 - DL, physical activity, padi cbt (after 200 questions i was today years old when i realized there were answer keys on telegram 👁️👄👁️), read optima tht batch 1 2020. Watched khs playing chess blindfolded against try guys and then i was purely amazed by what the human brain can do. It somehow motivated me to study lol

19 - DL, finished optima pem tht batch 1 2020, made 1 cbd ppt, webinar "holistic skin rejuvenation", free mindset tryout

20 - DL, haven’t got minicex but at least im trying to stay hopeful!1!, read the notes from today’s cbd since i basically only heard the whole thing on my motorbike like a podcast, did nasal irrigation n took a slow release vit c

21 - started the day with some stretches and squats, trying to drink more water!!, listened to kak dela's tips for ukmmpd from mindset, DL, read a bit abt epistaxis, the clear wallet i ordered from china finally arrived, edited 1 buku pld article

22 - was in poli onko this morning w ara, a patients consciousness was decreasing so code blue was activated. Finished poli at 1 am. It's been awhile since I last saw emergency situations. Went to maison weiner, ate almond croissant there and bought chocolate sourdough and chicken pie. Despite not getting minicex, the road home was not hot, the sun hidden away. The wind is breezing, podcast is on, talking about mindfulness. Todays quite a good day. Im healthy, insyaAllah. I hope my family will also stay healthy. Woke up at 11ish pm, DL, made my ppt for lcbe exam ((tomorrow)) til 1 am

23 - DL, lcbe exam with dr arie (turns out he picked epistaxis over sinonasal tumour), met up with racheel devi silvi at mcd and jco. Hojicha oreo mcflurry tasted good. Got lost on the way to racheels house lmaoo. She flies to malang tomorrow. Can i wish for life to stay simple and happy forever?

24 - DL, originally meant to be a minicex session turned out to be story time by dr Ezzy, she told us about cases that she managed, one of them is putting on tracheostomy for a baby with Moebius syndrome that went viral on twitter. We didnt even present our case and she only asked us for the scoring form. Thank you doc our lifesaver :”” after trying so hard for minicex the last 2 days turns out maybe its fated so we can meet and be inspired dr Ezzy. Mom picked me and we went to Maison Weiner before going home. Passed out from 6pm until the morning lmao

25 - a bit of exercise, DL, tried kemonyu.id mentai from duta garden, i’ve had better mentai than it but at least its on promo. it uses butter rice so that’s something new to me. rapat nemo to decide dates

26 - DL, liqo with kak Kartika about things you can do in Dzulhijjah, A2, started reading optima pem dv batch 1 2020

27 - DL, round was cancelled bcs no patient, lazed around and slept and lazed, continued reading pem dv optima, did like a half of 1 pamela reif video and my HR soared in 2 mins lmaoo

28 - DL, finally mustered the will to finish DS etika profesi, finished reading optima pem dv batch 1 2020, 2A, did 1 pamela reif video (titled 10 mins calorie burn that wont kill u), read a bit of my dv notes

29 - DL, ppds at poli were so kind!, ate shabu2 by mom and basically fell asleep

30 - DL, made ppt PKL, alhamdulillah PKL went ok with dr ika

31 - watched annabelle comes home and suicide squad with keisha karin juan, DL, relatives came to our place, ara also came for a sleepover and after i picked her up we went to dajens place lmaoo they set up bbq

1-150🤧

@tellmeonasunday​ I should have kept my mouth shut.

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? My most recent ex.2. Are you outgoing or shy? Half and half, depending on my mood and how comfortable i am with you.3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My best friend when she comes home again4. Are you easy to get along with? 99% of the time yes5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I mean I’d hope so6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Those who are goal oriented, want to achieve things in life, can joke around a lot and i’m working on surrounding myself with positive people.7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I have no idea.8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? I don’t like guys but Jason Momoa can get it no matter how gay i might be9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? If it’s someone I just met or came out to and they say “so how does lesbian sex work? is it even sex? nothing gets inserted right?” I’m a lil uncomfortable.10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Amy or Savannah11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “I haven’t kissed anyone in a year and i’m dying” lmfaooooo12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Oh man... I’m on an Amine, Kane Brown, Khalid, and Metallica kick currently so basically anything by them.13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Jesus fuck yes 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? I think so15. What good thing happened this summer? Finally got in touch with myself16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Fuck no she owes me money lmao17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Yes, there’s no way that all of the life in the universe happens to be where we stand.18. Do you still talk to your first crush? No, I don’t talk to my kindergarten teacher’s daughter.19. Do you like bubble baths? I don’t want to marinate in my own filth20. Do you like your neighbors? Considering my neighbor is my grandma, i think shes okay.21. What are you bad habits? Biting my fingernails when i have anxiety22. Where would you like to travel? Literally anywhere I haven’t been23. Do you have trust issues? Only if I get a bad vibe from someone24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Hyping myself up for work in the morning with music25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My tummy.26. What do you do when you wake up? Snooze my alarm and go tf back to sleep27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I’m content with it28. Who are you most comfortable around? Savannah, my best friend29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? No30. Do you ever want to get married? Absolutely31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? It has been every day so far32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Ruby Rose and Carrie Underwood33. Spell your name with your chin. No thank you34. Do you play sports? What sports? I played softball for 14 years.35. Would you rather live without TV or music? I don’t watch tv anyways36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yes37. What do you say during awkward silences? Whatever is on my mind38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Shorter than me, a little feminine but not high maintenance like always having their hair/nails done, smart, funny af, gotta be a good friend, and they gotta like me back39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Target, Tjmaxx, bealls, and Bass pro40. What do you want to do after high school? I went to college for a year on a softball scholarship, then became an emt and now i’m working at target41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Not everyone42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I either don’t like you at all or i’m secretly in love with you43. Do you smile at strangers? I try to44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? The ocean is my shit45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? The paycheck46. What are you paranoid about? Nothing that i can think of47. Have you ever been high? No48. Have you ever been drunk? i wouldn’t say drunk, but i was feeling it49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? my mom would kill me if she found out i drink50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Red51. Ever wished you were someone else? not really52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? How quickly i let my guard down53. Favourite makeup brand? i don’t wear makeup54. Favourite store? Target55. Favourite blog? mine lmao56. Favourite colour? blue, always will be57. Favourite food? anything that’s bad for me, particularly chocolate and pasta and breads58. Last thing you ate? chocolate lmfao59. First thing you ate this morning? Strawberry frosted pop tarts60. Ever won a competition? For what? Yes for a lot of things61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? I’ve never even had a detention lol62. Been arrested? For what? no63. Ever been in love? thought i was64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? Lmfaooooo it was my best friend65. Are you hungry right now? I’m always hungry66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? I don’t have any tumblr friends67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now? No70. Names of your bestfriends? Savannah, Katie, and Amy71. Craving something? What? Love and affection and chocolate72. What colour are your towels? blue72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 173. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? maybe like.. 475. Favourite animal? Doggos76. What colour is your underwear? Grey77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Chocolate fudge brownie79. What colour shirt are you wearing? white80. What colour pants? I’m not wearing pants lol81. Favourite tv show? That 70′s show, reba, friends82. Favourite movie? Forrest Gump, Moana83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? mean girls84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? mean girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? the gay guy, i forgot his name86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? the little shrimp guy87. First person you talked to today? Jas88. Last person you talked to today? Jas lmao89. Name a person you hate? Trump and his whole cabinet90. Name a person you love? my momma91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Trump and his whole cabinet92. In a fight with someone? Trump and his whole cabinet93. How many sweatpants do you have? 4 pairs94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? i have like 5 but i only wear 195. Last movie you watched? Moana or the water boy96. Favourite actress? Sandra Bullock currently97. Favourite actor? tom hanks or adam sandler98. Do you tan a lot? No i go straight from white to red99. Have any pets? No100. How are you feeling? content but tired101. Do you type fast? on my phone yes102. Do you regret anything from your past? I just wish i said something sooner103. Can you spell well? yes104. Do you miss anyone from your past? yes105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yes106. Ever broken someone’s heart? im not sure107. Have you ever been on a horse? when i was like 4 at a fair108. What should you be doing? probably sleeping109. Is something irritating you right now? how many fucking questions there are110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? oh yes111. Do you have trust issues? kind of112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? i rarely cry in front of people but probably my mom113. What was your childhood nickname? Steph, always has been114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes115. Do you play the Wii? no116. Are you listening to music right now? always117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? when im sick118. Do you like Chinese food? noooooo119. Favourite book? the Crank series by ellen hopkins120. Are you afraid of the dark? only if i hear something121. Are you mean? no, i try to be as nice as possible but if you fuck w my friends its going down122. Is cheating ever okay? fuck no123. Can you keep white shoes clean? also fuck no124. Do you believe in love at first sight? i believe in the click125. Do you believe in true love? im not sure126. Are you currently bored? no i have plenty of questions to answer127. What makes you happy? getting good amounts of sleep, meeting deadlines at work, and my best friend128. Would you change your name? no129. What your zodiac sign? cancer130. Do you like subway? yes131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? sorry pal132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? savannah or amy133. Favourite lyrics right now? so many, idk134. Can you count to one million? if i had the time and patience135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i hid my dad’s wallet from him when i was like 4 and i said i didnt know where it was136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed af137. How tall are you? 5′8138. Curly or Straight hair? mine is the straightest part about me139. Brunette or Blonde? blonde as hell140. Summer or Winter? summer141. Night or Day? daytime but im also a night owl ???142. Favourite month? june bc of my birthday and its halfway through the year143. Are you a vegetarian? no144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? all, but dark145. Tea or Coffee? medium mocha iced coffee with cream and sugar from dunkin146. Was today a good day? it’s payday, its friday, and i don’t work for 4 days. 147. Mars or Snickers? snickers148. What’s your favourite quote? i can’t think of anything rn but probably something cheesy149. Do you believe in ghosts? idk about “ghosts” but i believe in spirits150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Of course, i know he has to work until 5:30″ (via catscuddlingandyou)

hi my love im sorry i have to fill your ask inbox with my problems :(( i dont know where to blabber out at :( im sorry :( so i have a project going on with a guy as my partner, he's been acting really really annoying for me (he always did that, though) but recently i cant bear anymore. these just happened; he threw a key to the floor when i asked him to hand the key for me, and he threw the bag that had my wallet in it from second floor to the first floor while saying 'this is your wallet' (1)

i really had the nerve to punch him in the face like seriously he acted like he didnt know what a well manner is. he’s older than me though (im 18 and hes 21) only because im always easy on him i always do all the things he told me (but if it went overbroad i refused) doesnt mean im his such kind of slave because were in this project together hhh. he talks bad about me but i acted like i dont know, he used a device from our work place to personal using, i dont tell boss. but if i made 1 mistake, 

he told everybody over and over about it but i calmed down my mom didnt teach me to “make my hand and mouth dirty” but mybe bcs of that he acted more annoying than before. the annoying thing happened again, he asked me to let him use my ipad for personal use (ofc i didnt let him to) the thing is if i allow him once to use my ipad he’ll using it again and again and i’ll allow him if it’s for the project ugh it had happened when he used the device from work’s place and he suspected me (3)

Hi sweetie, it’s okay. And i’m sorry for the late reply. I’m only going through my messages since I just got back. 

Hmm.. this guy sounds awfully rude and if it were me I would’ve given him a piece of my mind. Don’t let anyone treat you this way. Stand your ground. Fight. There are ways to do that without getting your hands dirty… I’m not saying to take revenge, because that would only create more problems. What I’m saying is you need to stand up for yourself because he’s obviously in the wrong here and should’t be treating you as such. Confront him about it, communicate. 

If that doesn’t wor,  and he still treats you that way maybe you should tell him off to your boss. lol 

hide in a clavicle

Past.

water://

Okay talking honestly without bullshit even though shit’s really cheesy and I’m writing this in the car as we drive to San Diego.

Going to the beach with /  was a lot of fun. A lot of fun that I haven’t had in a long time. Actually, I think it’s the most fun I’ve had at the beach. We sit on this ledge peering out and I’m worrying about her mom somehow also being at the beach. I’m a bit paranoid. I sneak a quick kiss. It feels nice even though I got bit on the face by some bug and she got away scott-free (somehow). We go down to the beach and the waves and I chase her in the sand playing tag like we’re 5. She makes me laugh : _). Even though she’s running very hard she doesn’t go anywhere at all! Hahahaha. It’s the first time I’ve seen her express herself with her body and the space she occupies. I splosh mud on her feet and she does the same to me >:PP. We also pitch our shack/hut real estate to this random Asian lady with a nice hat on. She stares at it for a good minute or two and we’r ejust like ?? She then tells us for our real estate company that we need a name/business card people can identify us as. I can’t really tell if she’s actually serious or playing along with our joke. / also draws a maze with me!! She also spins in a circle with a stick with me. She rolls up her pants and gets in the water! It splashes her. It’s really cold! We race across the side of the waves. I wonder if other people can see us like this. What they think. How could anyone hate this? She listens to me rant about speech and debate. She tells me about high school. I lay on her lap. I forget about thinking about what others can see/can think. Now I’m a bit self-conscious being so close to her..but she pats my hair. 

ears wet://

that day we sat 

with nothing and everything to say i felt

the breaking begin to break

firsts://

a stone visitor

propped up with all its might

, toppled   

by kids that still have

their eyes

intact

off the floor

i am careful to fill

the vase i placed in your heart

being imperfect together://

some research

-you like because and you love despite

-attraction is based on what you see, infatuation is based on what you feel, but real love is based on what you know.

eclipse, i didn’t lose it://

today i got really sad because i think i lost the white sparkly clip /// bought for me at jtown :( i also can't find my wallet :( i just lose so many fucking things i know she would flip if she found out and she already knows i have a tendency to be careless

dreams:// ———- There's a projection on the screen and my family is surrounding it showing a video of me standing on the edge of a pier walkway (the wooden ones that lead into a murky lake). There is a gap and then another plank of wood slightly off screen. I chant in a quirky sing-song voice: "I'm standing on the edge, I'm standing on the edge, I'm standing on the edge before I jump and do a sort of Ophelia pose into the water while singing and I fall into the lake. As we watch this video, my mom and sisters begin laughing. I'm laughing as well and I say that I could pee from the laughter.

---.

There are strange messages on napkins that only a child is able to decipher. The child is outside watching in on the party. An old man with a knife steals the child away. He comes in the room full of people and tries to stab my eye. I am short, small, maybe, and I push through people but no one seems to notice or stop him. I try to lose him through the crowd but he ends up catching me. I try to twist the wrist holding the knife but I'm scared of harming his wrist and breaking it. He scrapes my cheek with the knife and then

E and I uber home (in a linear fashion, I'm guessing from the party), another car is next to us. I tell them we could have just shared one to save money. I tell E to hurry up because the streets of Davis are getting more dangerous. I hurry into my house. My sister and aunt's car are here meaning they are home. The door is unlocked so I go in. My sister comes out of the room in the dining room as if half-asleep. I am upset and ask why she didn't lock the door. I get a text from ___ saying that M has a funny accent. I wonder how she knows what M sounds like. I figure it might be from the rap I linked her. I tell M and D and others that someone tried to stab at my eye. They say it doesn't even look like I was stabbed. They're right. I appear to have no bodily injuries. Someone tries to unlock the backdoor but they are strugggling. It feels as if the house is tipping over. Friends rush behind the couch. I tell them it must be my dad but I notice that his phone is home and is ringing. I try to lock the midsection door sectioning off the kitchen room and the living room we're in. It does not lock. I go back in my room to get my phone that I left after texting ___ and I hide behind the couch. I figured jumping this person with multiple people would be better than hiding and locking my room by myself.

I wake up and my right wrist is sore.

---.

In this one someone shoots an arrow and hits a baby I know is me. I feel like I trespassed some dream rule because I didn’t wake up before contact.

secret://

To be honest, I feel fundamentally unloved. When I'm next to you, I feel unloved. I feel the most unloved I've ever been. In the middle of the night, when you are asleep, small twitches touch my skin. I creep my hand into yours. I think you are asleep but you take it anyways. I think to myself, I think: Someone actually (...)

and shelter becomes a blister://

It's christmas and peak sad gorl hours. Where does the hurt go? I feel that this may be what loss feels like. I guess I have been feeling at a loss for a long period of time. I have nothing eloquent to say anymore. I feel hopeless yea feel like my eyes are really dry and my face is all droopy just feel down just feel sad real sad i comfort myself & hug myself & love myself i wihs ic ould hug /// but the separation might be too strong @ this point that maybe its not possible anymore she told me what i needed to hear anyway i didnt believe i really didnt until that call and my heart is tired of beating itself up and im tired of feeling like a slouch ev enthough its all very heavy i am trying my very best to be good and positive but i know it takes time to mend this for myself and i would have fought for it thorugh the ugliness but i am doing it alone now and i wont stop the fight but i wish she could have come along idk just feel kidn of bad im alone but thats ok bc im not rly alone even though i may feel like it there r many ppl that care for me i need to care for me too so that i feel cared for by the person that amtters the most which is myself! !! myself! me!! me!! mysefl!! care for me too ! i care for me ok time to sleep

I know their are people out their who wonder what its like to know what someone in certain situations think and maybe this can in someway help someone else out there someday so if you see my post please share it so it spreads out there so people can see it and hopefully learn something from the pain I go through.sorry about any terrible grammar I’ll try my best but i suck at that…I’m going to put what my are issues out their that led me to being the way I am today and share my thought on my depression and suicidal tendencies.I know two of my closest friends will see this either stop here and skip this post all together or continue to read it past here to know some of my thoughts and y'all may know parts and you may not know other parts.this is to help share my mind and my issues where even of I end up failing to continue my fight that most days I feel like I will fail at maybe this post could help others out their or give others perspective to learn from where I failed to.I know I’m putting this in place where I know my family can’t see it though and that is for my peace of mind on purpose.I know theirs alot of people on here and a lot of people do go here for fun art or sharing/try to deal with their problems maybe someone will be able to learn from where i can’t and truly find a way to continue their lives……I have what most people would consider a great life over all.I have a roof over my head,food on the table ,even family and friends that love the hell out of me,I even have a job where I make money to do things I wanna do even with paying bills.I grew up with a loving family that tought me to care with all my heart and treat everyone you can with the best respect you can manage. to live life with your heart and care about everyone. This resulted in me growing up a sarcastic dick head of a friend that most people love to have around in their lives.But I’m one of the most caring persons I know which when u care as much as I do about everyone that can lead to many issues and problems and caring as much as I do has led to many of the problems I plan to talk about here in a few. Since I love and care about people as much as i do this has the unfortunate side effect that when people have messed you over so bad you stop caring completely and or hate them someone can’t come back from that with me normally.most of my life was great and yah I didn’t really have a lot of issues surfacing and any I did just stayed buried to where they didnt effect me to much but growing up a.d.h.d. and a.d.d. and being told your bipolar always taking meds for it all kinda sucks.especially since meds never helped any growing up so always taking them kinda shurked me away from medication. I had to find the things that could help with these things and for me this things I was able to get lost in was art and drawing,music, video games,and the biggest one that always was my favorite thing above all else reading fictional books and stories with things like magic,dragons, faries ect. For me these were the escapes to help me deal with the disorders I was diagnosed with at an early age.my mom and dad were never married and wernt together really after I was born as I was born through them breaking up ironically so kinda a mistake to begin with.but both my parents didn’t live together but have always been in my life and as a kid I loved and lived with my mom and worshipped the ground my father walked on. Now I have three siblings one middle older brother on my dads side we share different moms and my oldest brother and younger sister on my moms side we all share different dads.I lived with my sibling on my moms side and barley saw my brother on my dads side.my dad tried to act like a father to me and my siblings on my moms side which growing up I have kinda realized that my father never really cared about me as much and the kids that aren’t his as he wouldnt pick me up for custody appointed times if he didnt get the other kids which is where of my problems began when I was younger always seems like noone cared about me when it really mattered and always chose other people over me including the father who I worshipped and cared about more then anything as a young child.only people I have always had that never doubted they cared about me even till an adult was my mom and my siblings looking back until these last few years.so I had the issues when younger of disorders I couldnt do much about and a father who didn’t really care about me.now wish those were all the problems I had to deal with.I was born in 1995 and until 2010 you could say my life was great overal compared to what followed but when I was really young my mom dated a guy that ended up creating my sister but was an abusive prick so had that to deal with till he went to jail few years after my sister was born in 1998 other then that was great till I was 15. so when I was 15 years old I decided I wanted do be an idiot and have the father I always worshipped go for custody of me to try and make my relationship better with everyone I currently lived with at my moms better bc during the time period of living with her she married my step dad and all which was great to an extent but always fighting with sibling step dad and mom got old I cared about them so much and hoped by moving out that things would get better.things did and didn’t bc my dad going for custody of me which was my decision even though he wanted it to I asked him to do so.things that went bad for this decision was my mom went back to stripping to help pay bills at the time for losing money to pay on the house we lived in that was going to trying to fight me moving in with my dad since my mom knew my dad was a piece of crap while I had no idea.which when she was driving after wards one night of stripping got into a wreck that crippled her for the rest of her life.I always feel responsible for her wreck and her death that followed a few hears later bc it all extended from a choice I made even if they made their owe choices to.its something I’ve always partially felt responsible for and feeling responsible for the death of your own mother takes a toll after awhile too.but she was crippled in the sense of everything from the neck down she couldnt use right and she couldnt live and survive on her own after that.I went to live with my dad seeing her for custody appointed times after that.for the following three years thats how my life went….going to school living with my dad and seeing my mom on weekends after a decision I made costed her most of her life after that point ever being the same.I know that its not entirely my fault but still always have felt I share some blame for it all too.my dad actually turned out to be the kind of dad whose their your entire life but really doesnt care about you at all just what he gets out of the equation of you being alive and me living with him meant he didnt pay child support anymore.I learned what type of person he was those following three years.my middle brother whose older then me lived with us for awhile till my father put his hands on him and that’s not okay after what I had gone through when I was younger.two of my biggest pet peeves in this world is never cheat on a person and never lay your hands on a women or children both are destructive as hell one is physical abuse and the other is more mental abuse but both can fuck you up so much more then almost anything else.this was when I started learning who my father really was and things got worse after that.. my father ended up stopping me from seeing my mom for weeks at a time when she was sapposed to have me for weekends and stuff which costed me alot of time with her the last few month of her life in 2013.my mom ended up passing away right before I turned 18 and graduated high school bc of complications from a nursing home she was in at this point.after losing time with my mom I moved out of my dads.at the point we had her funeral I learned that she had tried to kill herself twice few months before she passed away and had written me and her other two kids suicide notes and to this day I carry the note I was written by my mom in my wallet everywhere I go.this was my second time facing these types of situations as when I was young family friend commited suicide.so at first my main perspective on suicide was the same as most people out their. That suicide is idoitic,selfish,a cowards way out,a way to hurt those around you,a lot of wrong opinions.when I found out my mom had tried to do so my maine opinions were even though I missed her even if she had done so I couldnt bla.e her for the way her life was at that point I had a different view on suicide which had changed my earlier views on it all to thinking sometimes people dont see another way out all you can do is accept that they did what they decided to do.since then when my mom died my world was turned to he’ll since then my life to me has slowly gotten worse and worse for the last 5 years to now 2018. I had lived with my step dad and sister afyer moving out of my dads and at a certain point in time everything with my mom just started destroying me along with the loss of my grandmother I lost 3 months before my mom.my biggest fear I have learned are loosing the people closest to me to death. It absolutely destroyed me and I havnt been able to heal from any of them can’t deal with pain a big part of how much I care adds to the fact that the loss on the end side is so extreme I cant handle it.so in 2013 I had lost both my grandmother and my mom.fast forward to half way through 2017 I ended up looking both my grandfathers to cancer which messed me up a lot more then I was already while never being able to deal with the previous losses.I ended up being to messed up to deal with life itself I didn’t even know what was happening to me at all to begin with except I was fucked up in the head and wasnt able to feel anything but pain anymore after dealing with everything I have including being abondened at the time by some of the people that meant the most to me since at the time my brothers and sisters wernt talking to me and my step dad had left me to live in his house by himself and my sister went to live with our older brother I had felt abandoned by every one I cared about.it turns out that I have depression and anxiety just having been diagnosed with it recently along with being suicidal when I tried to kill myself by downing a bottle of pills a year ago.I had really good friends ive fucked up everything I used to have with and others I barley saved a friendship with.even if they probably are better of in the end without me around from my point of view.I just dont see why people decide to deal with me a depressive and suicidal problematic person even if they decide to stupidly care. it turns out that depression and anxiety effect everything within your mind from how things effect you to how your brain can interpret things and makes your brain tell you lies like noone cares about you when clearly people do but you can’t run from whats in your own mind so you start to believe the lies that your own mind is telling you.you start to believe that the only escape from the pain is to end your life especially when nothing makes you happy anymore and everything in you life you used to enjoy you can’t enjoy anymore.nothing seems to have any impact but to make you miserable. Your brains tricks you and a lot of people can get help with this.you can talk to people wether a professional or just friends and family..try taking pills that are prescribed by a doctor for depression or anxiety and sometimes that can help for some people like me no matter what I have done nothing does any good for me it has no impact for me.the thing that sucks the most is the day I gave up on life and decides to commit suicide I failed which meant I had to live with the consequences of my actions including the suicide notes I left to friends and family in some cases I almost lost friendships bc of decisions I made and words I put in those letters and thankfully I still have that person in my life but I almost ended that by being stubborn and stupid for feeling things and not keeping it to myself.their are some things though no matter what you do you can't get rid of feeling things for certain people you either learn to live with it being their or hid it from the people who dont want to know its there at all.that's what I deal with now for three people who have mattered the most to me in a different way then everyone else.the biggest thing I have to live with as long as I still do live is the fact the day I decided to kill myself I gave up being their for my younger sister which destroyed her and I have to now deal with the pain I caused the people I love by being me.I always no matyer what others tell me feel like I’m a problem in everyone’s lifes and in the end just hurt the people I care about.but the sad thing is it has been true but the people that care about me have still tried to be their for me even though I think in the end its just a waste of time for those who care about me bc I feel like in the end I’m just going to keep failing everyone around me.the people who love you and are around will tell you your not a failure and you won’t fail.I won’t tell you this since it may not help.the thing from someone in the headset of being exactly here is you may feel the same way I do try your best to find a reason to live for be it a person a hobby an animal if these things work for you find what helps.my problem is nothing helps me even in my situation I’m still fighting to try that’s all anyone can ask for even if you fail in the end you at least tried don’t let anyone make you feel bad for trying to fight.that’s all I will promise anyone anymore not that I wont fail but that I will do my best even if its not good enough in the end.I care and love everyone in my life but the problem is the pain is great and in most cases to much for me to handle pain from withing your own mind is a pain that’s different then any other kind I will always try and I hope everyone out there will try their best but everyones best is of different levels so is everyone’s ability to deal with levels of pain. I try evsrything I used to enjoy and even tried new things nothing really works hopefully I will find something that does something for me but I’m not really sure its possible to be fixed when you are to broken to heal but who knows either one day ill find a way or ill be gone either way that’s life just try to fight to survive no matter who you are out their that’s all I ask from someone who is their themselves is to try.its not selfish to fail but its selfish not to try at all. I dont know if this will ever help someone else but its a chance it will this is my story and I’m still living it at this moment in time. ✌😸✌September 17 2018

X File

7 years. almost 7 fucking years ive been with this kid. his name is vince. i met him when i was 16 at heather valentines halloween house party. i was dressed as a fucking guido (embaaarassing poof and all) through the mist of the cigerette smoke in the house and loud drunk people everywhere we crossed paths. i remember everything around me fading out and just smiling and saying hi to you. i knew exaclty who you were. you were friends with my friends older brother. you were hot. popular. older. welllllll long story short we ended up dating blah blah blah. throughout the years we broke up many times and there was a solid year (2013) where i was single (honestly best year i had so far of life.) and somehow you crept right back in. in the past he broke up with me because he was sketchy, he would talk to girls on fb messenger behind my back. and i knew this simply bc i literally guesed his password on the second try and hacked in. he lied to my face multiple times. 

now lets fast foward after 2013. so i gained a little weight (literally looked anorexic) and got hotter. i have to say 2013 was my prime peak year. he wanted me back yadda yaddaaa and deep down so did i. i took his mother fucking ass back WHEN I SHOULDNT HAVE.

during the 2013 year he dated this girl jenna. she was a mutual friend within our friend group she always came around. she was gross. i called her thumb thumb because she literally resembled fucking thumb thumb from spy kids. so they dated for a while i remembering crying to my friends over the phone when i found out over facebook. he hurt me the most out of all the guys i dated. somehow throughout the time they dated he texted me this whole long message saying how he loves jenna now and not me and how happy he is. that killed me. he knew how to bring me down and push my buttons.

he ended up hanging around the wrong crowd. jenna was away at oneonta so they barley even saw eachother such a weird relationship. and he fell onto the bandwagon with xanax. he would do xanax to get fucked up literally drink on them so much. well he mixed heroin and xanax and he landed his ass right in ICU in a coma for 3 days with an 80% chance of living. he woke up obviously and i went to see him. i remember jenna getting furious to why i visited. but we had a history and i had to make sure he was okay and knock some sense into that fucking head of his. 

when they finally broke up i was secretly jumping up and down with joy. and of course july 4th 2013 he reached out to me wanting to talk and hangout. which stupid stupid me. i did. he told me that during him and jennas relationship he got her pregnant twice. once his mom paid for the abortion and the other her parents did.i was devestated we always spoke about marriage and kids. even though we were young and naive. i always wanted to be the first to have a kid with him. buttttt fucking thumb beat me to it.

so anyway jennas best friend thersea who i was close with at the time had a wine night with me and a few other girls. no jenna. so when it was me my friend jessie and thersea outside i mentioned (drunkly) how vince got jenna pregnant. now i guess jenna didnt tell a soul and vince told me bc he hated jenna for breaking his heart. so thresea was mad jenna never told her. 

that weekend thersea had a party and jenna told thersea it wasnt true and said i was spreading rumors. long story short once again they both teamed up on me to fight me. i ended up giving thersea a bloody nose and threw jenna down concrete stairs. LOL 

so back to after 2013. he continued to have a drug problem up until...well now. he was take xanax and suboxones which is synthetic heroin. dont ask me why he even took them.

this mother fucker landed his ass in the hospial THREE MORE TIMES after the ICU inciedent. 

dont get me wrong the years with him were also the best. very enjoyable and some memories my mind would never let me forget. but the drugs. the lying. catching him on tinder. him lying about the drugs. to his mom to me. it was a never ending cycle year after year.

now im 23 years old. eventually i want to move out get my own place, get engaged, start a family buy a house the whole 9. he wanted to do that all with me. but i couldnt anymore. he was getting too skinny. his skin was pasty grey and his face started to sink in. he wasnt attractive anymore. he looked completly differernt. the drugs changed him. hewould never take me out unless i begged and blame it on wanting to save money tohave a future but end up spending that money on alcohol, weed, and probably drugs behind my back.

my family hated him. the way he treated me in the past. the way he would act and not talk to anyone. i just didnt feel it anymore.

i loved him. i was just not in love with him anymore.

i finally had the courage to break things off. i found drugs in his wallet and that was the last straw. i couldnt even look him in the eye when i left the day because i knew that would be the last time i would ever see him. my heart knew my mind knew.

i finally am free.