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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 1 month

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By: Megan Gafford

Published: May 9, 2024

There is nothing wrong with constructing our own human meaning, without invoking a god. But the risks involved are captured by a pithy insight attributed to G.K. Chesterton: “When men stop believing in God they don't believe in nothing; they believe in anything.” As people have argued since at least 1790, when Edmund Burke published his Reflections on the Revolution in France, sapping society of traditional religious belief can prepare the way for new ideologies controlled by murderous totalitarians like Robespierre—and later, Stalin and Mao.

In “Our Search for Meaning and the Dangers of Possession,” Jungian analyst Lisa Marchiano details how a misplaced religious urge can derail both individuals and societies. She opens with variations on Chesterton’s theme:

“There is no such thing as not worshipping,” wrote novelist David Foster Wallace. “Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship.” C.G. Jung would have wholeheartedly agreed. He posited that psychic life is motivated by a religious instinct as fundamental as any other, and that this instinct causes us to seek meaning. “The decisive question for man is: Is he related to something infinite or not?” Jung wrote in his autobiography. “That is the telling question of his life.” There is empirical evidence that backs up Jung’s idea of a religious instinct. Researchers have found that the less religious people are, the more likely they are to believe in UFOs. “The Western world is, in theory, becoming increasingly secular—but the religious mind remains active,” writes psychology professor Clay Routledge, in The New York Times. He notes that belief in aliens and UFOs appears to be associated with a need to find meaning.

As the famous UFO poster from The X-Files put it, “I want to believe.”

Maria Popova has described the atheist’s need for meaning as equal parts poetic and tragic:

How do we manufacture this feeling of meaning given we are the product of completely austere impersonal forces and we are transient and we will die and return our borrowed stardust to this cold universe that made it?

Popova is riffing off astronomer Carl Sagan’s famous pronouncement that, “The cosmos is within us. We are made of star-stuff. We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.” The original Sagan sentiment is all starry-eyed wonder; Popova’s variation emits the agony of a sentient being balking at mortality. For some of us, having an expiration date imbues the search for meaning with both urgency and desperation. How we choose to cope defines our lives.

Marchiano cautions that worshipping the wrong thing can have dire consequences. She quotes David Foster Wallace:

The compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship—be it JC or Allah, be it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles—is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. Traditional religions do have features that make them less likely to become devouring. They draw on ancient traditions that are often philosophically rich, and they are knitted into the social structure of our society.

Famous atheist Ayaan Hirsi Ali heeded this warning when she declared in November 2023 that she is now a Christian—an apostate from apostasy. The first reason she gave for converting to Christianity is her new-found conviction that liberal democratic civilisation depends on the legacy of the Judeo-Christian tradition:

That legacy consists of an elaborate set of ideas and institutions designed to safeguard human life, freedom, and dignity—from the nation-state and the rule of law to the institutions of science, health, and learning. As Tom Holland has shown in his marvelous book Dominion, all sorts of apparently secular freedoms—of the market, of conscience, and of the press—find their roots in Christianity. And so I have come to realize that [Bertrand] Russell and my atheist friends failed to see the wood for the trees. The wood is the civilization built on the Judeo-Christian tradition; it is the story of the West, warts and all. Russell’s critique of those contradictions in Christian doctrine is serious, but it is also too narrow in scope.

And the second reason Hirsi Ali gave is that she ultimately found life without any spiritual solace unendurable:

Atheism failed to answer a simple question: What is the meaning and purpose of life? Russell and other activist atheists believed that with the rejection of God, we would enter an age of reason and intelligent humanism. But the “God hole”—the void left by the retreat of the church—has merely been filled by a jumble of irrational, quasi-religious dogma.

Hirsi Ali concludes that “the erosion of our civilization will continue” without “the power of a unifying story.” And in this regard, she pronounces that, “Christianity has it all.” Notably absent from her road to Damascus moment is any profession of belief in the divinity of Jesus Christ—her religious urge is bound up with her distress at the dire consequences of worshipping the wrong thing.

Her friend Richard Dawkins has responded that atheists have many avenues for finding meaning and purpose. First among them, for the evolutionary biologist, is science:

Then there’s human love, there’s the beauty of a child, a tropical swim under the stars, a ravishing sunset, a Schubert quartet. There’s the art and literature of all the world. The warmth of an intimate embrace. But even if all such things leave you cold—and of course they don’t—even if you feel a ravenous need for more, what on Earth does that have to do with the truth claims of Christianity or any other religion? Even if life were intolerably bleak and empty—it isn’t, but even if it were—how could you, how could anyone, twist a need for solace into a belief in scriptural truth claims about the universe, simply because they make you feel good? Intelligent people don’t believe something because it comforts them. They believe it because, and only because, they have seen evidence that supports it. No, Ayaan, you are not a Christian, you are just a decent human being who mistakenly thinks you need a religion in order to remain so.

Marchiano challenges the strength of what Dawkins calls the “poetry of reality” with a series of case studies of individuals under the grip of “psychological possession,” a state in which “the conscious personality comes to identify with a powerful archetypal idea or image, becoming inflated and dangerously out [of] balance.” Those individuals either disregarded the poetry of reality or found it insufficient to satisfy their religious urges.

Marchiano’s first case study concerns Timothy Treadwell, whose life and death among Alaskan grizzly bears is documented in Werner Herzog’s 2005 film Grizzly Man. Treadwell was eaten alive by the bears in 2003. Marchiano writes:

Enthusiasm comes from the Greek meaning “possessed by God,” and Treadwell’s rapture as he describes grizzlies has a religious fervor. … Treadwell developed a distorted sense of mission, believing that his presence in Katmai was necessary to protect the bears from poachers. Protecting bears was his “calling in life,” and he became convinced that he had been singled out to do this work. “I’m the only protection for these animals,” he states emphatically in the film. In fact, there is no evidence that the bears in Katmai were under any threat from poaching. Nevertheless, the sense of mission Treadwell felt in relation to the bears gave him a sense of a special destiny. Bears carry an undeniably numinous energy and have forever been associated with the divine in various traditions. Treadwell had indeed made contact with the infinite. However, he lacked any structure to ground these experiences.

Like Treadwell, the ground-breaking primatologist Jane Goodall lived among the mighty creatures she studied. Defying the scientific community’s norms, Goodall gave the chimpanzees names instead of numbers, and described them in human-like terms, often attributing their behaviours to emotional states and ascribing to them a theory of mind. This was considered insufficiently objective. Her habit of socialising and making physical contact with the apes is also considered improper today.

But unlike Treadwell, Goodall did not become “possessed.” Far from developing delusions of intimacy with the chimpanzees in Tanzania’s Gombe National Park, her familiarity taught her how readily they could become violent.

Goodall discovered that chimps are not vegetarian, as had been assumed, but hunt other animals for their meat. She observed a war break out between different chimp factions that dragged on for four years. After a particularly violent chimp assaulted her and almost broke her neck in 1989 (towards the end of her thirty years among the animals), Goodall began travelling through their territory with two bodyguards.

Whereas Treadwell’s psychological possession blinded him to the danger posed by grizzly bears, Goodall retained a lifelong fondness for chimpanzees while fully comprehending their capacity for cruelty.

Her greatest discovery was that chimps could fashion tools—an ability previously believed to be a unique, defining feature of humanity. Goodall showed that chimpanzees are more like humans than people had previously realised. Treadwell believed that grizzlies shared in his humanity (or that he shared in their bear-ness), but lacking Goodall’s ability to love animals as they are rather than as he wished them to be, his obsessive and unrequited love led to a foolish death.

So, was there something that inoculated Jane Goodall against psychological possession? If Marchiano is correct that traditional religious belief can be like a vaccine against “becoming inflated and dangerously out [of] balance,” then it is notable that Goodall professes belief in a higher power. In a 2021 interview, she claimed that “religion entered into me” at the age of 16, and:

What I love today is how science and religion are coming together and more minds are seeing purpose behind the universe and intelligence. … We don’t live in only a materialistic world. Francis Collins drove home that in every single cell in your body there’s a code of several billion instructions. Could that be chance? No. There’s no actual reason why things should be the way they are, and chance mutations couldn’t possibly lead to the complexity of life on earth. This blurring between science and religion is happening more and more. Scientists are more willing to talk about it.

Dawkins would stridently disagree that the complexity of life on earth could not arise from what Popova called “austere impersonal forces.” Indeed, Goodall argues with Charles Darwin himself, who wrote in On the Origin of Species:

If it could be demonstrated that any complex organ existed, which could not possibly have been formed by numerous, successive, slight modifications, my theory would absolutely break down. But I can find no such case.

How curious that the scientist who discovered the kinship between humans and chimpanzees disagrees with the bedrock idea upon which the entire field of evolutionary biology is built: that the complexity of life on Earth results from an eons-long succession of tiny, incremental changes. Goodall uncovered a biological truth while denying a fundamental biological mechanism.

Darwin’s theories have long been at odds with religious belief. Could it be that by rejecting a fundamental aspect of evolution in order to safeguard her traditional religious belief, Goodall protected herself from psychological possession, thereby enabling her contribution to science?

Marchiano might find that argument compelling. She writes:

How do we worship without being eaten alive? A genuinely religious attitude in the psychological sense is an antidote to inflation. The word religion may come from the Latin religare, which means to bind fast, or place an obligation on. In contrast to puffed-up inflation, a religious attitude binds us to something larger, and puts upon us a sacred obligation to the infinite. An awareness of our dependence upon that which is larger breeds the humility without which wisdom is not possible. It reminds us that our ego is just a small part of us, and is dependent upon—and easily influenced by—irrational, unconscious forces that are beyond our full understanding.

If it is true that few people can safely satisfy their religious urge by simply appreciating the “poetry of reality,” then the pursuit of meaning and the pursuit of truth will sometimes be at odds. Or at least, humanity may come at truth obliquely, or embrace it only partially. Even as we appreciate how religion may safeguard against psychological possession, we should recognise the trade-off: we may have to sacrifice objective truth to the need for psychological or—for people like Hirsi Ali—social stability.

And yet, psychological stability is clearly necessary if we want to pursue truth. It is the difference between a Timothy Treadwell and a Jane Goodall. Some—perhaps many—people may only be able to discover certain truths (the violent behaviour of chimpanzees) by denying others (evolution by natural selection). Atheists will need to swallow that paradoxical and bitter pill. And yet, the religiously minded should not feel too pleased, either. Whatever protection their faith affords them has its limitations.

As Marchiano wisely notes, traditional religions can also become devouring. Conservative intellectual Jonah Goldberg agrees with both her argument and her caveat in his recent essay, “The Messianic Temptation”:

My theory of the case held that believing Christians and other traditional believers are partially immune to such heresies precisely because they don’t have holes in their souls to be filled up by secular idols. The space for God is filled by God. I still believe that. What I failed to fully account for is that the religious can fall for false idols and false prophets, too. After all, that’s the moral of the golden calf in the first place.

Goldberg describes how he once enjoyed poking fun at some American leftists for discussing Barack Obama in messianic terms—only to discover that many on the American right now talk about Trump delivering salvation. Goldberg recognizes that these are merely new incarnations of an old phenomenon:

At the beginning of the 20th century, champions of eugenics, nationalism, socialism, etc., claimed that Jesus was, variously, the first eugenicist, the first nationalist, the first socialist. Now Jesus is MAGA. It’s all very depressing. And annoying. But it isn’t really new. A New York Times correspondent covering the 1912 Progressive Party convention, described it as a “convention of fanatics.” Political speeches were interrupted by the singing of hymns and cries of “Amen!” “It was not a convention at all,” the Times reported. “It was an assemblage of religious enthusiasts. It was such a convention as Peter the Hermit held. It was a Methodist camp meeting done over into political terms.” The delegates sang “We Will Follow Jesus,” but with the name “Roosevelt” replacing Jesus. Roosevelt told the rapturous audience, “Our cause is based on the eternal principles of righteousness. … We stand at Armageddon, and we battle for the Lord.”

Sometimes people think they are serving their god, when they are really making their god serve a politician—a mere mortal in a famously corrupting line of work. Though they didn’t build their own temples from scratch, these people have rearranged the building blocks to incorporate a cause du jour. In such cases, traditional religious belief was an insufficient prophylactic against worshipping the wrong thing.

Nevertheless, Marchiano argues convincingly that traditional religion is one way that people can worship without being eaten alive, because it might inspire humility:

An awareness of our dependence upon that which is larger breeds the humility without which wisdom is not possible. It reminds us that our ego is just a small part of us, and is dependent upon—and easily influenced by—irrational, unconscious forces that are beyond our full understanding.

But Dawkins is right that a sense of wonder is a healthy outlet for atheists with a religious instinct. Scientists like him, as well as laypeople enthralled by what science teaches us, can find humility by studying the natural world. After all, Darwin’s theories were not just an affront to some religious doctrines but also to human pride. People didn’t much care for the idea that humanity was the result of eons of evolutionary nudges rather than divine decree. Believing that we are God’s special creation strokes our ego; believing that we fill an evolutionary niche, neither more nor less successfully than a house fly fills its position in the web of life, does not evoke pride.

Different types of people will be attracted to the theist and atheist options for combatting hubris and the lure of psychological possession. Likewise, there will always be some people who succumb to either the theist or atheist way of being eaten alive. Humility does seem to be the antidote to this, but unfortunately there is no universally guaranteed method for cultivating it.

I still wonder myself why I was immune to Critical Social Justice ideology when so many atheists got sucked into the woke cult.

#Megan Gafford #Ayaan Hirsi Ali #Lisa Marchiano #Richard Dawkins #god shaped hole #religiosity #no religion #atheism #poetry of reality #religion is a mental illness

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hotshot624 · 7 months

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✨🍋Bullet Train Agere Headcanons: Flip!Lemon🍋✨

Hey y'all this one is coming out too cuz I felt bad about the lack of content so I hope y'all will enjoy this. Idk if it's actually gonna be as well written as I want it to be but I sure hope it is. Okay enjoy!💜

(I don't own any of these pictures. I found them all on Pinterest so if you know how mades these, let me know so I can add credit)

✨🍋Little!Lemon Headcanons🍋✨

(y'all I couldn't find any good pictures that made sense for a Little!Lemon so forgive me😭)

Unlike his brother or Ladybug, Lemon has been regressing way before the events of Bullet Train

He started unknowingly regressing in his early twenties and it took him a good couple of months to understand what was happening to him, but after a shit ton of googling he finally found out that what he was doing was called age regressing

After a little more research (and by that I mean he took a bunch of Quotev quizzes) he concluded that he regresses from ages 6 to 8

After a long stressful mission, when he was sure that both he and Tangerine were safe in there safe house, and Tangerine as preoccupied with doing something else like taking a long shower or sleeping, Lemon would go to one of the bedrooms, lock the doors, and regress there.

During missions, he unfortunately couldn't bring his toys or comfort items with him so he'd just put on some comfy clothes and binge some Thomas

Poor Lemon was afraid to tell his brother about his little secret in fear of Tang being weirded out by his predicament. Though it may not seem like it at some times, Lemon really does value Tangerine's opinion of him

Lemon knows his brother like the back of his hand so he was able to hide his regression from him easily without Tang ever suspecting a thing

Tangerine eventually would find out after Tang unknowingly regressed in front of him after waking up from being shot in the throat and freaked out when Lemon told him what was happening

Tangerine got so offended by the thought needing to regress, he yelled and screamed at Lemon, pretty much insulting regressors saying such horrible things that I can't even write not because I'm too lazy and brain dead to think of anything but because it was just oh so horrible 😩

Lemon eventually got fed up with Tangerine and confessed that he was a regressor too and proceeded to leave the room to allow Tangerine to cool off

This threw Tangerine for a loop.

On one hand, he didn't want to accept that his brain was causing him to regress to cope with what had happened to him. I mean Tang had been shot before so why is this any different. I mean maybe it's a little different because he's never been out in a coma because of it so there's that. He's also never been so close to thinking he's lost his brother so theirs that too but still he should be able to get over it!...... Right?

But then again on the other hand, Lemon apparently regresses too. And Tang hadn't even noticed so it can't affect his work that much. He also doesn't think that Lemon is weak for needing to regress. I mean Lemon was one of the toughest strongest, badass person Tangerine knew so if Lemon could regress...... I guess Tangerine could too

Tangerine eventually calls Lemon back into the room so he could apologize for his outburst

Lemon accepted his apology and it's been history ever since

Lemon regress from 6-8. He's definitely the oldest regressor out of the group

While Tangerine is usually the one who looks after him the most, he's not really Lemon's caregiver

I headcanon Tangerine as a Big Sib and he just does fall in caregiver space

That doesn't mean that he doesn't take care of his brother cuz he totally does he's just not a caregiver

His caregivers are however, Maria and Ladybug

Maria is there universal caregiver in the group with Ladybug coming in last place for caregiver

(I feel so bad for Ladybug😭 he's always in last place 😭 at least he's first place for Maria's littles)

This boy is an overall kid through and through

His closet is obviously filled with Thomas shirts but he does have some other solid colored ones too

I headcanon my mans as autistic so sometimes is he's overstimulated, it can cause him to regress

When regressed from overstimulation, it can cause him to go non-verbal which sucks when your a regressor because it's hard for you to communicate with your caregiver what's wrong

Thankfully Tangerine and Lemon have developed a way for communicating when Lemon can't do it verbally

Whether it's through drawing, pictures, yes or no with nodding, or sign language, Tangerine can and will find out what's going on with his brother and he will do everything in his power to help him

Lemon will sometimes flap his hands really fast and Tang likes to call him his flying Lemon

For shows, I think we all know it's Thomas the Tank Engine but he also likes watching wrestling

But only old wrestling for some reason

His favorite wrestler is The Undertaker and Andre The Giant

He loves play wrestling with either Big Tang or Ladybug

Ladybug will wrestle with him big or small it doesn't matter (Little Lemon does know to be more gentle when Ladybug is regressed as opposed to when Ladybug is big)

He has a bunch of wrestling action figures as well as multiple wrestling rings to play with

Speaking of toys he also has a bucket filled to the brim with different Thomas ones

From hot wheels, to stuffed animals, to wooden toys, he has them all and loves every single one of them

But their is one he loves in particular

It's a old, scratched, wooden train with small dents Tangerine bought for him on his 10th birthday when they were still in the orphanage

He loved it so much he didn't sleep without it for years, which was really uncomfortable for him but he didn't care at all, until his first mission that required him to leave for more than a day

He wasn't happy at all and Tangerine noticed but Lemon refused to tell him why because he was embarrassed. Lemon was so pissy during the mission which confused the hell out of Tang cuz he was usually the pissy one. Tangerine eventually chalked it up to Lemon just being nervous about this being their first over-night mission and let him be

But this just kept happening during all their over-night missions so Tangerine ended up getting fed up and yelled at Lemon, demanding to know what was wrong

Upset and slightly distressed, Lemon told Tangerine the truth albeit being super embarrassed about it thinking Tang was gonna making fun of him

But Tangerine didn't really say anything.

He just starred off into space, taking in what his brother just said. Then let out a loud, exasperated, almost over exaggerated sigh and left the hotel they were staying at

Lemon thought his brother had had enough of him and left him alone and this made him super upset and that lead to him regressing :(

He sat in his own bedroom in the hotel and curled up under the covers and cried

After what felt like years (but was actually two hours) Tangerine came back into the hotel seeming super pissed off and soaked head to toe in water

Tangerine: God damn stupid fucking rain! Fucking sunny as can be when I left but of course it just had to fucking down pour when I'm coming back and I don't have a fUCKING umbrella!! Oi Lemon, where are ya?!

Lemon: *still regressed and under the covers, wipes his eyes and puts on his best Big voice* uhm in here mate!

Tangerine: *walks into the room and stops for a second at the door* you been cryin? You drunk or somethin?

Lemon: OH um.... Yeah a bit yeah dats-thats it

Tangerine: well if your gonna drink yourself half to death.....or at least to the point of being a drunk suburban mum watching the notebook than you should have something to keep you from losing your fucking head *takes something out of his pocket and hands it to Lemon* here

Lemon: *takes the item and examines it* are.....are these stickers?....... Are these Thomas the Tank Engine stickers?!

Tangerine: *now kind of bashful, scratching the back of his head and facing away from him* yeah I know it's nothing like the train you've got a home but it's the best your gonna get. Went to about fucking eighty different fucking stores and not one had any small train nic nacs so I just got you that. Thought you could just have the stickers cuz it wouldn't matter if ya lost 'em and 'sides you can just put 'em in your pocket and nobody would notice

Lemon: *about to cry again but is holding it in* w-wow um...... it's a...... It's nice..... Great no freakin fantastic, thank you Tangy

Tangerine: *slightly red in the cheeks* yeah well whatever there just stickers calm down * quickly walks out of the room* And don't call me Tangy!

You know the ones where their kind of like coloring books but you just place stickers on them

And Lemon kept stickers with him ever since. They weren't as good as the wooden train he loves so much but it was better than nothing. Plus his brother gave it to him so it means something to him. Eventually Lemon started using them to help out on missions and tell Diesel's apart from Percy in a way only Tangerine would understand so they do have a helpful use

He also really likes using the stickers and putting them in sticker books

Again their gonna be Thomas the Tank Engine themed books but let's be honest are we really surprised lol

One of his favorite things to play is with nerf guns or water guns

Obviously he's gonna be pretty good at it since it kinda is needed for his job but still it's kinda impressive for someone who regresses

He loves swings too. Like seriously he'd kill a bitch to get on one and be pushed (jk but not really)

His nickname everyone calls him when little is Lemonade btw

He's kind of embarrassed by it but he does love iy

Okie dokie that's all for Little Lemonade. Next up is Cg! Lemon!

✨🍋Caregiver!Lemon headcanons 🍋✨

(I know y'all it's terrible but it's the least none threatening one I could find don't judge😭)

Is such an amazing caregiver

I know I say that about every caregiver but it's true Lemon really is

Very encouraging especially to his little ones interests

Will get a little sticker booklet with his little one’s favorite characters and give them to them as rewards

If the character is from a TV show you can 100% be expecting him to watch that show with you

He’ll try and get as much information about that character as possible so he can talk to you about them

Will also get you plushies of toys of said character so you can always feel like you have them with you

Is big on you playing with toys and not just something on an iPad or watching TV all the time

Will get you any toy you desire (I mean he makes a lot of money with his missions and all) but just really doesn’t want you sitting around

Toys like legos, dolls, action figures, puzzles, all kinda of stuff can be found from him and you’ll probably get more lol

Will also 100% play with you

Great at playing pretend

Likes to play dress up too

If you want this man in a too-too, your getting him in a too-too and even a tiara if he can find one

Or dresses up like a pirate with an eye patch and fake hook for a hand along with a horrible pirate accent

Also really enjoys coloring with his little

Y’all have like hundreds of coloring books littered all throughout your home

Gets Tang any coloring book he wants and will just sit their coloring how him

Encourages any type of stimming too

Flappy hands, verbal, rocking back and forth, hopping, shimmying, you name it’s he loves it

Never wants someone to feel ashamed that they need to let go and express there emotions through movement or sounds

Likes taking Tang on walks around a park as long as he knows their aren’t many people

So usually it’s at night

He also thinks it’s the best way to get Tang calmed down enough to go to sleep no matter how much Tang denies it

Lemon: alright just a few more laps and we can go home and you can finally go to sleep

Tang: *pouting* I’m not tired

Lemon:* amused at this but not believing it at all* Oh really? Your not tired? Not even in the slightest aye?

Tang: NO! Only babies get tired from walks and I not a baby soo *sticks out tongue*

Lemon: *laughs* Right of course my mistake. Anyways let’s just continue the walk huh? Sound good?

Tang: *calming down slightly but still huffy* I guesss

Lemon:*relieved that Tang didn’t put up to much of a fight* Good now let’s get going

Ten minutes later-

Lemon:*is literally carrying a knocked out cold Tang back into the house*

This man is strong as hell so don’t think he can’t pick someone up cuz let me tell you he can and he will

Really likes physical touch unlike his brother when I’m an older headspace

Hand holding, hugs, cheek or forehead kisses, you name it

He’s usually the one to initiate it especially when it comes to his brother but doesn’t mind at all

He can be kind of strict sometimes but the one thing he seems to be kind of laid back on his eating healthy foods

Obviously he isn’t going to allow you to eat ice cream for dinner (god I wish)

But he also doesn’t mind if his little wants a cookie as a snake or something

As long as he thinks it won’t spoil their appetite for dinner or lunch then he doesn’t mind

Honestly he might join you on your little snack adventure

Really likes doing Tang and Littlebug’s hair for some reason

He doesn’t even know why but he just really like running his finger through their hair I guess

And they definitely don’t complain

He won’t even really do anything different to their hair

He kind of just like playing with it or messing with it

Won’t do anything that they might find embarrassing though

He always puts how they’ll feel about something over about how he’ll feel

He’d feel horrible if he made them uncomfortable

He’s kind of a fuck around and find out kind of caregiver too

If he’s seen Tang or Littlebug doing something the shouldn’t be (and he knows they can’t harm themselves from it) he’ll kind of just supervise what’s going on

Bing believer on them having to see what happens so they don’t do it again

But again only if he knows they can’t get hurt

Speaking of he had a bunch of bandaids with different colors or your favorite character/thing on them

It’s kind of like the stickers

He wants you to feel better after you hurt yourself so having something that makes you happy on you to cover the wound makes him think you’ll feel better ya know

This man cannot cook to save his life let me tell you something

He burnt boiling water one time

So you’ll be eating a bunch of store bought foods instead of homemade ones

But that’s okay

He can’t be good at everything

HOWEVER

He’s strangely very good at baking

Cakes, cupcakes, cookies, scones, all different things

He also loves to bake with his Little

He’s not gonna let you near a hot oven or knife but he’ll definitely let his little one mix some ingredients or crack an egg or two

One time when he was trying to bake some brownies with Tang, poor Tang got into the bag of flour and the literal SECOND Lemon turned his back, flour was everywhere including Tang

Poor Tang had to take a LONG bath afterwards but he got bubbles so he sees it as a win

As for Lemon though

He almost cried but all in the days work of being a caregiver

He’s really just one of them most laid back out of all of them and I love him for it

_______________________________________________

I FINALLY FINISHED ATE TALL PROUD OF ME?! I’m so sorry this took so long again. I’d write more but it’s almost 4 and I have to get up around 5 so I’m gonna try and get as much sleep as possible lol. See you guys later💜💜💜💜

@softchonk @thenarryparable @thorin-baby-bear @koala-fluff

#my post #bullet train #bullet train age regression #bullet train agere #Lemon #bullet train lemon #agere lemon #lemon agere #lemon x reader #agere hcs #agere headcanons #my headcanons

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sandwormsummoner · 3 months

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Ana Luiza Ferreira stars in “Beetlejuice” alongside Edu Sterblitch

By Marcelo Bandeira | 04/11/2023 15:56

Combining comedy and horror, the work, which runs until December 10th, provides fun for the whole family and is inspired by the film “The Ghosts Have Fun”.

Translator's note: this is the translation of the name used when the film was shown at the Brazilian cinema :] ... Honestly, Brazilian title adaptations are weird (°_°;⁠)

Born with a destiny clearly traced since a young age, actress Ana Luiza Ferreira found her great passion in the performing arts. Currently, she dazzles the stage at the Cidade das Artes Bibi Ferreira, in Rio de Janeiro, in the role of Lydia Deetz in "Beetlejuice: Os Fantasmas se Divertem — O Musical" and celebrates a new "turning point" in her career, after eight years since the debut that established her in the theater, as the aspiring Maria Roberta in “Sister Act”

“ ‘Sister Act’ changed my life. I was about to give up when I passed the audition. And it didn't stop there! We had a beautiful season of almost a year, I acted alongside childhood idols, and both critics and audiences welcomed me warmly. Undoubtedly, it represented an important change in my story. However, 'Beetlejuice' came to be a strong contender (laughs),” she said, demonstrating her excitement for the new project.

For Ana Luiza, music was her first love, and although today it's the "aggregation" of all the forms that complete her, the carioca keeps alive her other artistic vein as a pop singer and dedicates herself to original compositions like the hits and music videos "Hey" and "Fools," two of the trio she prepared for 2023. "What fulfills me is knowing that when I sing, I'm also acting, there's no way to separate them anymore, and that hypnotizes me," she emphasized to iG. Check out the full interview!

Beetlejuicet is a cult classic, with a passionate fan base, and will get a sequel in theaters in 2024. How has the public received it?

“The number of people we see dressed up or wearing striped clothes when the theater lights come on during the curtain call is surreal. I'm an admirer of the work, actually of the entire Tim Burton universe, so I see myself in each one. Surely, I would also be 'striped.' Besides the messages of affection that are coming, I try to respond to all of them and I'm happy that they like it.

Edu (Sterblitch) is a genius and a generous human being, and the cast is very talented. Touché's production is impeccable, and the humane direction of our dear Tadeu Aguiar has guided us down such a fascinating path that it's impossible not to love the "boldness of the Brazilian adaptation.”

Is there a part of your character that you personally identify with? How do you prepare to enter Lydia's mind and heart with each performance? Do you have a special ritual?

“I recognize myself in her in several aspects. I understand the pain of losing a close relative, and like her, I'm still learning to move forward. I was a bit of an emo teenager, feeling misunderstood by society and listening to pop-punk. I believe that helps with the musical references. Before going on stage, I connect with my castmates in a circle of energy, a hug, say my prayers, and it's show time!”

Beetlejuice will have a sequel and will bring back Winona Ryder in the role — with whom you, in fact, already have a certain affinity — after starring in a production of "Heathers." What do you attribute this connection to? Do they act in similar settings?

“Although cinema and theater are different languages, I think we find ourselves when playing unconventional roles. At times, I felt out of place in society. Even among my groups of friends, I considered myself the artist in a sea of engineers, doctors, and lawyers, or the one with the weirdest laugh and non-standard body. These "experiences" allow me to access an interesting aspect on stage; after all, I often say that the actor's greatest research tool is themselves.”

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#Ana Luiza Ferreira #beetlejuice #beetlejuice musical #beetlejuice the musical #beetlejuice broadway #lydia deetz #beetlejuice brazil #beetlejuice brasil #betelgeuse #Beetle Interviews

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betzabobababi · 1 year

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Stages

Hello Hello! This is 2/3 for my fics today. 1000% cried. Don't judge. The stages hit close to home. If you now what I mean with "I added one more" (you'll have more context around the end of the fic) then congrats! Anyways enjoy. Don't hesitate to like and or reblog really helps an author out <3

Warnings: Major character deaths/5 Stages of grief/ mentions of blood

for now I think thats it let me know if I missed some warning

Pairing: None

Summary: The way you grieved. How does someone put their life together after half of the universe and family are gone?

Type: 100% angst

It all happened so fast. One second you were standing next to your family, the only family you’ve ever had. The avengers were your family. And now half of it had disappeared into thin air. They dissolved into who knows what. Everything was just so confusing.

FLASHBACK

“Yo-You should have gone for the head….” a gruff voice who you could only assume was Thanos said and in a split second there was a clink. And even faster than you could blink your friends and family started to disappear.

You turned around and bucky was gone. You closed your eyes and you saw t'challa dissolve. You saw a group of people somewhere that didn’t look like earth dust away. You saw Peter. And you saw the pain that Tony had on his face. Sam. Doctor Strange. Wanda. Nick and Maria. Clint’s family.

Half of everyone that you grew to love and learned to care for just disintegrated.

END OF FLASHBACK

Five years went by and each represented one of the stages of grief

YEAR ONE

Your first year was denial. Denying the truth that most of the people you knew were gone. Denial helped you survive. The world became meaningless and overwhelming. Life made no sense. You were numb. The first year you stayed with Natasha in the compound. You helped her keep track of everyone that was left. Other than going out to help Natasha for a few hours a day, eating, going to the bathroom and sleeping were the only things that you’d do during a day. As you began to accept the reality of what happened you unknowingly began to heal. You became stronger and the denial began to fade. But as you moved on, all the feelings you spent a year burying, ignoring and denying began to surface.

YEAR TWO

The anger you felt was more like blinding white rage. You were angry with yourself for not doing things better. Your rage went towards thanos. You hated him for taking the people you loved away from you. You worked so hard to get here, and he just gradually showed up and took it away. Starting with the attack of 2012 and then in 2018 when Banner showed up at the sanctum sanctorum. And even though you weren’t there you knew. You knew something was wrong. So when Steve’s flip phone went off indicating tony was calling it just supported your knowledge. You felt angry that you werent there when Tony went missing. Around September of your second year you decided you would stop feeling angry all the time. Sure you’d still be angry but it would only be on a low level.

YEAR THREE

Bargaining was something that you just couldn't let go. As much as you would have loved to let go of all the nightmares and bad memories of the day on wakanda you couldn’t, so you replaced it with trying to find a different outcome. Your third year Tony and Pepper saw how bad your stages of grief were getting. Tony went through his stages rather quickly unlike you where they were taking a year per stage. So they invited you to move in with them, because they knew that bargaining would definitely be hard for you. Possibly even harder for you than it was for Tony.

You threw yourself into studying parallel universes. Dead end. Time travel seemed like the most logical thing at least to you it was. But when you conversed with Tony he denied the possibility of time travel.

“Y/n, the day that time travel is invented then I’ll put you on the will.”

“You sure you’ll put me on the will? Because all of the research points towards time travel. All we need is something that connects point to point.”

“Yes. I will. I’ll put you on the will, I swear.”

You bargained until you knew it would be possible to change the way things happened. The only reason you didn’t act on it was because you didn’t have the resources. Time travel was the only answer. No bargaining with higher power, you’d tried that and it’d never work. You bargained yourself from time to time. Your mental, emotional and physical health were at risk because of your bargaining. If only you’d been with Thor, you could've helped him. All of your if onlys and what if’s kept you up at night. If only the attack of 2012 would’ve been more descriptive as to who started it. If only you would have joined the battle earlier. If only time travel was possible.

YEAR FOUR

Depression hits you like hell. After bargaining your attention moved to the present. Empty feelings presented themselves, and grief entered your life on a deeper level. Deeper than anyone could have imagined. Your depressing stage felt as if it could last forever. Now that you had moved on from all your past stages you focused on what was in front of you. Nothing. Nothing was infront of you. After the snap, you stayed at the compound. Then you moved in with Tony, Pepper and Morgan. But that was almost all you had. Sure, you checked in on the rest of the team, and you made sure everyone else was ok. Before Thanos you had been known for being able to fix anything. Broken mug? Done. Squeaky door? Done before someone could say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. But your life had been cut in half. How were you supposed to fix that?

You withdrew from anyone and anything around you, staying in your room, left in an intense fog of sadness and emptiness. Wondering perhaps, if there was any point in going on alone. And yes you did know it was selfish of you to take years to move on, it was selfish of you to shut everyone out when you knew that all they wanted to do is help. But why go on if only half of the people you loved were going to be there with you?

YEAR FIVE

You knew that this situation would never be ok or it’s never be “right”. But you learned to accept it. You learned to accept the reality that your loved ones were now physically gone.

“Personally I believe that when I recognized that this new reality was going to be permanent I decided to start moving on” You said to Tony out of the blue one day. Tony being Tony he decided that he’d do everything to help you move on with your life.

“See you in a minute”

Only she never did

And then Bruce stapped. As soon as he had snapped you saw how everyone was holding in their breath. You were too. When Clint’s phone started ringing you knew that it worked. You knew that they were back, you felt it. You closed your eyes and you saw them reappearing where they stood five years ago. But you felt something was wrong. You felt a presence you felt you only felt in wakanda. Thanos. And even though you knew it was not possible you realized, if you and the team figured out time travel. Why can’t he? Turned out he had.

You were now under what was left of the compound. Covered in dirt and hair mucky. You found a way out only to realize the scene in front of you wasn’t the best. There stood Steve Thor on one side and Tony on the other. All looking like they were about to have the fight of their lives (kinda were). Although you knew that three of them wouldn’t be enough to defeat thanos You wanted to see what they’d do.

“You could not live with your own failure. What did that bring you? Back to me.” Thanos says, looking at Tony, Thor and Steve. Feeling light headed you slowly started to lose consciousness from your injuries. A few seconds go by and you pass out.

When you wake up Steve is standing a few feet away from Thanos when he starts to turn around. Slowly he brings his hand up to his ear where the coms should be. All of a sudden you see yellow little sparks appearing behind steve. All around his background you see the sparks. As the portals fully form you see a portal that leads to wakanda, T’challa, Shuri, and Dora emerge from the portal. Sam comes flying out of there as well. Another portal leads to a place that looks nothing like earth (nothing new there) where Peter and the guardians come out of along as Doctor Strange. Wanda, the students of the mystic arts, Wasp, Valkyrie, people you’ve never met, and people who were definitely not people. Although it may have seemed like a lot of people you knew it would mean anything compared to Thanos’s army. But you could at least try.

TIME SKIP

You were at the point in the battle where everyone was exhausted from fighting and they were nowhere near done with the fight. When you saw Pepper fight next to Tony you felt happy for them, especially since she was wearing the suit Tony had made for her. You took a breather, stopped fighting and looked around. When you notice Strange slowly and shakily lifts his finger showing one. Now you weren’t there on Titan but you knew from what Tony told you that there was only one combination where they’d win. All of the people around you were ready to sacrifice themselves for humanity. To save other people from what had happened five years ago. But you, you were determined to not make other people go through the five fucking stages of grief. So you did the logical thing. You let your family and friends around you have their happy ending.

You knew that if you didn't get the glove on time, Tony would snap. He’d sacrifice himself for everyone, even when he had a daughter and home to go back to. You on the other hand didn’t have a home to go to. You had family but you knew it would be difficult for you to adjust again and you being there, going through more grief while others tried to adjust to missing five years of their life, didn't sit well with you. Now there might only have been one outcome where everyone would win, but you being you forced your way into being two. So, you snapped. You sacrifice yourself for everyone you love. And you won. Now you’d be able to see Natasha and your parents. The last five years of your life, you spent grieving. Tony came up to you once you'd snapped, "I added you to the will kid, you were supposed to be there to read it." "don't worry T, *hoarsley* they say there are five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, and T you know what? I added a stage" "what was that kid?" "revenge." With that Tony chuckled laid his forehead on yours and slowly broke apart walking towards pepper with tears in his eyes. Slumped down sitting on a piece of rubble everyone said there tearful goodbye to you as you drifted into death. Ending your stages.

Side note:

Tony did put you in the will. Because time travel was possible and also because he thought he'd be the one snapping.

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niamhsglobalproject · 1 month

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WEEK 3

The first few weeks i had struggled to reflect on level 4 and 5. However i feel as though now, i can really see my collaborative skills developing in terms of resilience. Previously, i would let conflicts between peers (whether small or large) derail the groups progress, take it personally and even let it wind me up so much so that it would negatively impact my work. Sometimes i can struggle with change once the initial thought process is complete but working iteratively requires the reviewing and altering of ideas throughout the project.

So far, there has been compromise with lewis wanting to pursue 3D aspects to the project. The way we were able to do this was to use an isometric viewpoint to have static 3D backgrounds, we could then extend the game into spacial as an added feature or even potentially for cut scenes. This 3D element was also thought to utilise Hemza’s skills as he is very proficient in 3D work in Blender.

Another change that may be difficult for me to process will be Liz joining our group late. During the national project, we didn’t see eye to eye towards the end of the project and even back in the Performance lab last year. I don’t want this to negatively impact our group work or outcome so will be leaving any thoughts and opinions outside of group meetings and will attempt to come in with a fresh mind at every interaction. Giving her the benefit of the doubt and a chance to start fresh.

I think one of the reasons why i am finding it easier to bounce back from these points is the interest i have in our concept. I’m lucky enough that the other members of our group like the features that i brought to the table in my pitch and would like to include and build on them in our final outcome. Lewis has also decided he would like to branch off from us and create a more 3D immersive monument exhibition working with Maria rather than a game, which seems like he will be happier to create something along those lines. Hemza has also decided he would like to work across both groups which is great as he will be a great asset to transposing any concept imagery into 3D isometric stills through blender. This will also free up more time for me and Lace to work on the code for the game.

Over the past two years, i have been able to dabble into different technologies that can be used with gaming. The closest i have gotten would be back in semester 1 of first year using a mixture of blender, a small bit of unity and shapesXR to bring to life three spaces within VR. I used blender the most and felt most comfortable with it out of all of the softwares used so learning Unity will be my main challenge for this project. I also think this will be most beneficial to my future career if game development is what i choose to pursue as Unity is one of the three main game engines used in industry and having even basic knowledge of C# will be a great asset to employers. When researching game engines last summer, i decided unreal engine would be a better suited engine for me as the fee structure, their node based coding, free assets available every month and being a purpose built engine by real game developers really appealed to me. I am more than happy to learn Unity though as it seems like a more commonly known engine across the university/ visiting lecturers and Lace’s brother in law has worked a lot with the software while developing Fall Guys. He has expressed that he would be able to help us if we need any troubleshooting or help with code. Lace is also familiar with the software so even having someone with a bit of experience readily available for questions will make learning easier for me.

Our call with Kyiv was reassuring to see that they were kind of on the same wavelength as us in terms of themes and ways of collaborating. I did feel as though they didn’t know about the portal aspect of the brief but that wasn’t an issue as we can still use their ideas and combine them with our ideas. In particular, i thought Yulia’s and Anastasia’s ideas matched the most with our group. With Yulia’s telephone game proposal, i think we would be able to use the methodologies mentioned in order to create concepts and artwork for the game. I put this on the figma to see if she was interested in using her idea in this way. As for Anastasia, her video game proposal was really strong and fleshed out. Her art looked incredible however she was very set on her overall game concept (a single player JRPG that revolved around regulating emotions). I do feel as though it might be difficult to collaborate with Anastasia as she is very set in her idea in terms of concept and interest in creating character design only. I think we can involve her in the project by seeing if she would like to design some costumes for the nightingale sprites, taking inspiration from Ukrainian fashion.

I think that the reading for this week will be useful when it comes to my essay, I found part 2 very interesting but more difficult to understand in small sections. Part 1 however, was quite motivational in terms of encouraging me to create more. Even if there are failures, the more you create, the more success there will be.

On Wednesday, we sat as a group for the main portion of the day. I decided to get a big piece of paper out so that we could visualise and refine our ideas so that it was clear what we’d be producing. And it would also be easier to brainstorm ideas. From this we were able to come up with a narrative that fit the theme we were looking to go with, which was to have the game set in a primary school. The user would be a student, arriving to school on the train (as the train systems in both Kyiv and Birmingham are significant.), they would then meet the head teacher of the school who would give context to the game and almost tell why the student was there and why the school is as it is. The student/user would then spawn into the studio location in the school. This will be the main space for communication between Kyiv students and Birmingham students. From there, the user can choose if they would like to go to the library, canteen, or playground. The playground will hopefully have some 2 player classic games for the users to play, the library will have information about both locations in the form of interactive books. And the canteen could have something related to the farming aspects of Kyiv but this is still up for consideration.

[ insert images of mind map and narrative plot]

On Thursday, i wanted to try and get started on the game aspect of our project as i knew it would take the most time and effort. I had a teams call with lace as she is also working on the game. We tried to get the collaborative project to work but for some reason we couldn’t get the work that lace had done previously to show up on my end. We spent an hour attempting to get it to work but in the end, we decided for the sake of progress that we should work on separate parts of the game and then combine them into one project once complete. Lace was going to continue to work on getting a hand on the environments/ isometric aspect of the game and then i was going to create the login/ verification so that the user of the game can keep their avatar and username whenever they come back to play the game. I was also aiming to start creating the avatar creation screen.

The verification screen started off strong as i had a YouTube tutorial to follow, i was able to download all of the elements and import the script part of the file. For some reason I wasn’t able to correctly import the main part of the file. I would import it into the project section at the bottom of the screen but when i went to open my packages it wouldn’t show as being in the project. This meant i was unable to progress in this aspect of the project. I spent most of the day either trying on new files, starting the process again or just going through everything i did to ensure it was just as the video had instructed.

By having the user pick between a nightingale and a lion, this will further emphasise the fact that they are in an alternate reality and aren’t in a regular school environment. A lot of cosy games use animals as characters or NPCs. I think they increase the creative aspect of the game’s design and makes interacting with these characters more intriguing.

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ainews · 3 months

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A new study has revealed that nuts, typically a beloved snack for humans, can cause a surprising amount of irritation in certain creatures - gargoyles. These fantastical creatures, known for their stoic and formidable appearance, have been shown to have a surprising and somewhat comical reaction to the simple snack. Researchers at the University of Mythical Creatures conducted a series of trials to investigate this phenomenon and the findings are raising eyebrows, and causing a few laughs, in the scientific community.

It all started when a group of researchers noticed a pattern in the behavior of the gargoyles at a local museum. Every time a visitor would pull out a bag of nuts to snack on, the gargoyles would become noticeably agitated, flapping their wings and screeching. Intrigued, the researchers decided to delve further into this peculiar reaction.

The team set up a controlled experiment where they presented different types of nuts to a group of gargoyles and observed their reactions. The results were surprising - when presented with peanuts, cashews, and almonds, the gargoyles showed signs of extreme irritability, snarling and snapping their jaws. However, when given other foods like berries or seeds, the gargoyles remained calm and docile.

So why do these mythological creatures react this way to nuts? The lead researcher, Dr. Maria Stone, explains that it may have something to do with the high fat content of nuts. "Gargoyles, like many other creatures in the fantasy realm, have a high metabolism and need to constantly fuel up. However, nuts are not an easy source of energy for them as they have a high fat content and are difficult to digest. This can lead to discomfort and irritability, just like how humans can become grumpy if they eat too much junk food."

This new information has sparked interest in the gargoyle community, with some even suggesting that it explains why they are often depicted as scowling and angry. "I always wondered why I never liked eating nuts, now I know it's because they make me feel irascible," says Grymmor, a gargoyle known for his fierce temperament.

Researchers are now curious to see if this reaction extends to other fantasy creatures such as dragons, trolls, and giants. Until then, visitors to museums and fans of fantasy art should be cautious when snacking on nuts - you never know who might be watching and getting irked by your choice of food.

#ai generated #fake news

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hopeful-hugz · 2 years

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The sands of Comalia, Meyth burn under Hope’s feet as she touches down on the shore across from the quiet down of lakeside humbleness and cobblestone architecture. After several talks with her mother and realizing Teal’s behavior had been off lately, she had gone looking for the other half-breed, only to not find him anywhere. She had no choice but to check her birthplace and now that she was here, she was already regretting it.

A wave of her hand over her lower arm brings up a small pocket dimension and she pulls a small headset with a display on it. The headset is put on and the chatroom she had made brought up on it. She takes a quick picture and starts making her way to the town she now only visited on occasion. Already the doctor had a plan: Check in at the STM terminal, before making her way up towards Hugz Labs’ ruins. If Teal would be anywhere, under Maria’s influence, it would be there.

Through cobblestone streets she walks, up cliffs she climbs, taking note of something particularly upsetting. It was completely silent. The entire universe was void of living beings and she could feel it. Not a person or animal or insect tread upon this ground, like they had all never existed in the first place.

Like civilization was resetting.

Hope freezes at the top of the cliffs, at the ruins of her childhood ‘home’. Black lilies. The area around the ruins were covered in black lilies and the ruins themselves looked like they were in the process of being rebuilt to a working condition. Of course the doctor takes a step back, then another, and another. She keeps backing up until she has to start down the cliffs.

This was a mistake. This was the biggest mistake she’d made in her life. She had to get back to STM. Cutting through the hospital was the quickest way home.

Unfortunately she would only make it to the cobblestone pathways before she lays eyes on her brother. Stone-faced as always and monotone as ever, he speaks up. “Welcome home. I knew you’d come around eventually to everything. Mom and I were right, weren’t we? You caused nothing but problems and now are trying to fix something, anything.”

The older half-breed could sense he was still himself, but Maria had definitely influenced him. He was here as a lure back to this place and now he’d gotten her here. All on his own! Mother would be so proud!

The rest seemed to happen in a flash- “Teal-” She began, only to feel a sharp pain go directly through her back and out her chest. Her vision blurring and ears ringing so loud it was hard to make out even the boldest of words. A glowing soul pierced on the tip of a needle-pointed tail. Hope could make out Maria’s voice, before the world is blanketed in black and she can feel the tail through her body go limp, like someone had severed it.

Then everything falls silent.

The half aether comes to the next morning back in Shibuya, curled up in her nest and numb as can be. She couldn’t feel anything.

“You better hope you have friends who are real fucking good with souls, Raymond.”

“...Cam?” Hope attempts to sit up, but doesn’t make it beyond propping herself up on her elbows. Sitting on the ground beside her bed is the pinkette. She was covering in white blood, sitting on a camp futon with a damaged, glowing manifestation of a soul in her hand and Teal unconscious next to her. Had she gotten them out of Comalia?

“Because all I can do is hold this together and keep it from shattering completely.” Chamyle looks up at her best friend, adjusting her glasses with her wrists. “What were you thinking? You could have given that witch exactly what she wanted.”

“Evidently I wasn’t thinking... just going off emotions as usual.” A small pause from the younger woman, before she’s laying back down. “It’s been a stressful few weeks and something set me off badly... I lost control.”

“I’ll say.” An eyeroll, as the paranormal researcher gets up on her feet and shifts the manifestation to be secure in one arm. “C’mon, get up. Lets get you something to eat, then we can figure this out. You won’t be feeling emotion until we do and we need to talk about that.”

#Moving the Story Along || Plot #Storybook Scraps || Drabbles #Multiversal MD || Hope #Stone Soldier || Teal #Mother Dearest || Maria #Paranormal Problem-Solver || Chamyle

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poppywrites41 · 2 years

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The Shelter (Levi x Fem Reader)

Once again, I am posting a fic at an ungodly hour… But who cares! When I finished writing, it was 23 FLIPPING PAGES on Word LMAO!! I like this one. Gonna be completely honest here, I wrote this thinking about MAPPA Levi, not WIT Levi, even though it is set a couple of years before Eren and his friends join the Survey Corps. I hope you all enjoy this one! Feedback is always appreciated!

Warnings: MINORS GET OUT Language, Violence?, Smut (masturbation), titans(🤢)

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from the Attack on Titan Universe. All of these characters and most of the plot of this fic belong to my mortal enemy Isayama...

Masterlist

“Alright soldiers! Look alive!” Commander Erwin yelled as the Survey Corps approached the ginormous gates of Wall Rose to the Trost district, “Obey your captain’s command, follow every instruction, and don’t get lost.”

All the horses stopped at the gate as Erwin signaled the Garrison to open the gates. Y/N gulped as she watched the metal barrier being lifted. She has done this multiple times, yet she still gets shivers every time they leave the safety of Wall Rose. She recalled what happened the first time they left to scout after the attack of the Shiganshina district after she joined the Corps. There were titans waiting for them past the gate and they lost many good soldiers that day. It’s been a couple of years, but it still sends shivers down her spine…

“You okay, Y/N?” the girl’s friend, Petra, asks as she moved her horse closer to Y/N’s.

“Yeah…” Y/N sighed, “I always get goosebumps every time we leave this place.”

Petra nodded as she took a sip of water from her canteen, “Yeah so do I. But we’ll be fine! Levi has never lost one of us!”

Y/N scoffed, “That’s because he always makes sure we are all glued to each other’s sides. He hasn’t let us go after any titans on our last two scouting missions. He’s always so focused on finding more holes in Maria. Isn’t killing titans our job?”

“You’ll get your chance to kill titans soon,” Petra giggled, admiring her friend’s courage, “For now, we listen to our captain and do what we need to do now.”

Y/N groaned, “It’s like his old age is showing and we are feeling the effects of it.”

Petra snorted, looking back to see their captain zoning out as Hange excitedly rants on about her titan research, “Don’t let him hear that! You’re the best on our team, Y/N! I heard rumors that you might take over as second in command for our squad from Eld.”

“Like I would wanna be second in command to our grandfather,” Y/N snorted back, leaning closer to Petra to whisper to her friend, “How old is he anyway? Does anyone know?”

“Old enough to know that you two should be preparing yourselves to leave rather than griping like children.” A deep voice said, jolting the girls into an upright position on their horses.

“Captain!” they both saluted.

The dark-haired man eyed Y/N, “Anything you wanted to say to my face, Y/L/N?”

“N-No Captain!”

“We were just wondering if we will be going after titans, sir!” Petra said, “All we’ve done was survey the area outside Rose…”

Levi glanced at Petra and looked back at the other girl. He knew she was the one who was restless to kill titans. Y/N is a good soldier. She had an efficient killing streak. He admired her tenacity against the beasts. He was thinking about promoting her to second in command, but she lacks the discipline to know when to fall back and when to resist the temptation to go off and kill titans.

“We have our orders, soldier. Do you want to go against them and put my squad at risk?”

“No sir.” The girl replied.

“The Survey Corps is more than just killing titans, Y/L/N. I need you to understand that. I can’t have my squad babysitting you and losing their lives because you want to go off and sate your lust for titan blood.”

Y/N sighed and rolled her eyes at her superior, “Yes, Captain.”

Levi’s brow twitched at the rude response from his subordinate, “Alright then. You can think more about this as you follow us from the rear. You can look out for your precious titans from there.”

Y/N’s eyes widened in shock. She was about to snap back at her captain, only to notice he pushed his horse ahead of them to speak with the Commander.

“Ugh!” Y/N groaned as she slumped in her saddle, “He totally hates me!”

“Probably,” Petra shrugged.

Y/N glared at her friend, “This is the part where my best friend tells me that he doesn’t hate me and that everything will be fine… ‘Don’t worry, Y/N! You’ll get that promotion and then you’ll get the Squad Leader promotion and then you can kill all the titans you want!’” she said in her best Petra impression.

Petra laughed, “I don’t think he hates you more than he’s disappointed in you.”

“Wow, way to make him sound like my dad…”

“You’re one of his best, Y/N! I’m sure he wants to give you that promotion. He just wants to make sure to understand the responsibility.”

Y/N groaned, “He’s so unbearable!”

Petra giggled, “That’s the complete opposite of what you used to say a few years ago~”

“Shut up!” Y/N said with a blush on her cheeks of embarrassment, “That was a long time ago when we first joined the corps…”

“But you liked him~”

“I used to, Petra. Keywords are ‘used to’!”

Y/N recalled that when she joined the Survey Corps years ago, her eyes fell on the dark-haired captain. He looked strong and, dare she thought, dominant. His deep voice when he spoke sent shivers down her spine. She did everything she could to prove herself to be put in his squad so that she could be near him. To say she was happy to be put in the Levi squad was an understatement. She was ecstatic. But every time she tried to get close to the captain, he turned her away, telling her that letting her emotions out that much like that would get her killed out in the field. So, Y/N gave up and focused on killing titans and things went back to normal… Well, somewhat. Y/N had mastered the art of hiding her emotions from her captain and squadmates, but she has never been able to get rid of what she felt towards him.

“Alright soldiers!” Erwin’s voice yelled, “Let’s move out! Follow your captains!”

“Hangeeee Squad!!” Hange yelled enthusiastically, “Let’s goooo!!”

“HANGEEEEE SQUAD!” her squad yelled back as they rode after their leader through the gates.

Y/N always admired how Hange kept her squad in high spirits. She wished Levi was more relaxed with them.

“Alright,” Levi said, signaling his squad, “Let’s go.”

They rode out the gates, followed by Mike, Nanaba, and Erwin’s squads, each going in different directions towards wall Maria.

Y/N groaned as she slowed her horse to allow her squad members to go ahead of her, grumbling curses at her leader. They rode for hours towards wall Maria, stopping sparingly for short periods to let their horses rest. Y/N would watch titans in the distance from the back, gritting her teeth. Levi meticulously kept them out of the titans’ line of sight so that they could make it to the wall. Once the sun began its descent, turning the sky into a pretty mix of purples and oranges, the Levi squad reached the wall.

“Alright,” the man called out as he hopped off his horse, “We’ll camp here tonight. The titans should be winding down by now, so we won’t have to worry about them. Eld and Gunther, go find wood to make a fire. Petra and Oluo start setting up camp. And Y/N,” he said, turning to the girl who was tying her horse to a tree, “you’re with me to survey the area. Have your ODM gear on.”

Y/N gulped as she followed her captain into the woods. They were silent as Levi looked at their surroundings, making sure they didn’t set up camp next to any sleeping titans. About 10 minutes in, Levi broke the silence.

“You’re uncharacteristically quiet Y/L/N,” Levi said.

“I got put in timeout today by my captain,” Y/N said.

“Sounds like a bummer.”

“Oh, it was.” Y/N huffed.

“Maybe he had a good reason to. Maybe he wouldn’t have had to do that if his subordinate didn’t act like a rebellious teenager.” Levi said, sending a glare towards the girl.

“She is not a teenager!” Y/N hissed, “She is a grown woman. If her captain let her do what she was good at-”

“You put my squad at risk so many times, Y/L/N!” Levi growled, “You went off on your own multiple times to kill titans that didn’t know we were there on our last 5 missions! We had orders to survey the area and to avoid titans.”

“We also need to kill titans!” Y/N said, “It’s our job!”

“Our job is to protect the rest of humanity that is behind the walls, soldier. That includes our comrades risking their lives alongside us. Oluo almost got eaten the last time you went off on your own!”

“I had it covered…”

“Not from what I saw,” Levi said, “You went after 6 15-meter titans, Y/N. By the time we got there, you were running out of gas and had killed three!”

“Because they were ganging up on me! It was a struggle, but we killed them anyways! That was 6 fewer titans within wall Maria!”

“You could have been killed.”

“Then I would have died an honorable death, saving humanity. If you didn’t want to risk their lives, you didn’t need to come after me!”

“I had to, Y/N,” Levi growled, “I need you on this squad.”

Y/N paused and turned to Levi, “You need me?”

“Yes!” Levi sighed, “The Survey Corps needs you! You’re one of our best with one of the highest killstreaks. If you had died, we would have lost a big asset.”

“That’s all I am to you? An asset?”

“We’re all assets Y/L/N…”

“Would it kill you to treat us like people instead of assets, Captain?”

“I do treat you like people.”

“No, you don’t.” Y/N said, “Hange treats us like people. She knows us individually. She talks to us like normal people. She asks us about who we are outside of the Corps.”

“I know you.” Levi said, “You’re obsessed with killing titans to the point of your own destruction.”

“Okay,” Y/N huffed, “Then what’s my favorite food?”

“That is irrelevant information that I don’t need to bother myself with.”

“Okay then. Eld has been with you for longer than I have so what’s his favorite hobby?”

“Why do I need to know that?”

“He likes to write, Captain. He writes letters to his parents every week to let them know that he is okay. See?!” the girl exclaimed, walking away from the captain, “You don’t bother to get to know us! You only ever regard us as soldiers.”

“That’s because you are! I can’t treat you like anything more than soldiers, Y/L/N!”

“Yes, you can!” Y/N said, “It’s not that hard!

Levi sighed as he followed the girl, “Y/L/N…I really can’t…I just-Y/L/N!”

“Oh, please! Is the great Levi Ackerman too proud to have any fri-mph!” Y/N’s eyes widened in shock as she felt a hand slap against her mouth. She could feel her captain’s body pressed against her back, his hand on her arm to stop her from moving. Her face began to blush furiously at how close he was, her body shivered. ‘I don’t like him I don’t like him I don’t like him!’ she repeated to herself in her head.

“Shut up Y/L/N!” Levi hissed into her ear, causing the girl to blush even more, “You could’ve woken it up.”

Y/N looked ahead and saw a titan leaning against a tree with its eyes closed. She nodded, letting her captain know that she sees it. He sighed and took his hand off her mouth and stepped away.

Y/N grabbed her ODM blades and turned to her captain, “We can-”

“No.”

“Why not?!” Y/N whispered, “It’s asleep!”

“It’s far enough away from camp that it won’t notice us in the morning.”

“Are you being serious right now? Let me kill it.”

“Dead serious. Control yourself. Show me you can be responsible enough to be second in command.”

Y/N groaned as she took her hands off her gear and turned around, walking past Levi with a scowl on her face.

“Good job,” Levi said.

Y/N turned to tell him off when she saw him let out his cords, blades out as he flew towards the titan. The titan stirred at the sound, but before it could open its eyes, Levi had dug his blades into its nape, killing it instantly. Levi walked back towards Y/N, taking out a cloth to wipe the blood off his face.

“You just told me not to kill it,” Y/N growled folding her arms.

“I did.” The captain said.

“Then why did you?”

Levi shrugged, “I changed my mind. It was a little too close to camp for me and I felt like killing something.”

“Could’ve just killed me…” Y/N grumbled.

“Can’t do that Y/L/N. As much as you piss me off, you are-”

“Your big asset. Yeah, I know.” Y/N huffed as she walked back to camp, leaving her captain behind.

Levi gave out a sigh of frustration as the girl walked away. She had been giving him trouble since the day they met. He knew she liked him when she first joined his group and it troubled him then. When he lost Furlan and Isabel two years before, swore to himself to not get attached to anyone, to avoid getting hurt himself. Plus, he was a captain. Him getting together with his subordinate felt very wrong to him. So, he distanced himself from Y/N and told her that she was a soldier. Any form of attachment would ruin her. Then everything went back to normal. She was good at what she did. It impressed Levi at how far she had come with her training and her performance on their missions. Yet lately, she would act out and leave on her own to kill titans and it irked him greatly. The truth is, Levi did care about Y/N. Every time they left the safety of Wall Rose, he constantly worried about her. More about whether or not she would disobey orders and leave to kill titans on her own, but also her safety.

But tonight, the captain felt something new, and he didn’t like it one bit. When he grabbed Y/N to keep her from waking the titan, he felt her shiver in his grasp. He could feel her heart rate pick up through his chest and he felt her face heat up under his palm. The captain thought she reacted like that because she noticed the titan, but he realized it was because of him. He thought she was over that, wasn’t she? He looked up at the retreating figure of the woman, his eyes following the sway of her hips as she walked. His cheeks burned in embarrassment when he realized he was quite literally checking out his subordinate.

“Fucking idiot!” Levi hissed, punching his other arm, “Get it together…”

Back at the camp, Y/N sat down next to the fire with a huff.

“Where’s the captain?” Eld asked.

“He’ll be along,” Y/N said with a wave of her hand.

Petra handed Y/N a bowl of rice and pork, “So how’d it go?”

“Boring as ever…” Y/N said, shoving a spoonful of food into her mouth.

Levi came out of the woods and sat on the other side of the fire. Eld brought him a bowl of food and sat next to him. It was mostly quiet while the squad ate. Oluo only broke the silence occasionally to ask where they were heading in the morning or if there were any plans made to recapture Maria. When everyone finished eating, they packed up all the supplies.

“Everyone get some sleep,” Levi said, “We are getting up early. We have three days to search as much as we can before we all meet back at Trost.”

Everyone saluted to their captain, except Y/N. Levi let it slide.

Early the next morning, the Levi squad were already riding along the wall, looking for any other holes in the wall that titans could be getting through. Levi looked back at his squad to make sure they were still together. He saw Y/N bringing up the rear with an annoyed look on her face.

“Look alive, Y/L/N!” Levi called, “You should be looking behind us to make sure we aren’t being followed by titans.”

“’ Kay,” Y/N said, lazily turning around to look behind her and let out a gasp.

“What is it?!” Levi said, whipping his head back around.

“Absolutely nothing!” Y/N said with a smirk at her captain’s annoyed look, “You’re doing great Captain!”

Levi groaned as he turned back to face forward. Everyone in the squad looked at each other in confusion at Y/N’s snappiness towards the captain.

It went on like that for most of the day and it made everyone uneasy. When the squad stopped for a break, Eld walked up to his captain who was sitting next to his horse, sharpening his blades.

“Everything alright, Captain?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it?” Levi snapped.

“I mean, you are sharpening your blades.”

“What of it, Eld?”

“You only do that when you’re upset. Our blades are already sharpened for us.”

“What’s your point?”

“Did something happen between you and Y/N last night?”

Levi froze and glared at Eld, “Did she say anything?”

The man shook his head frantically, “N-No sir! We just noticed that you two are acting pretty hostile towards each other and it’s been putting us off.”

“What’s her deal, Eld?!” Levi sighed as he dropped his blades, running a hand through his hair, “One moment everything’s fine and the next I’m losing control of my squad…”

“Well,” Eld said, taking a seat next to his captain, “you can’t control people, Captain.”

“I know that…” Levi huffed, “It’s just that Y/L/N keeps disobeying orders because she wants to kill titans. It’s like she doesn’t realize that this is a team. We are a team. A team that almost dies every time she pulls a stupid stunt like that trying to save her ass!”

“Have you spoken to her about it?”

“I have.” Levi sighed, “I told her that her actions put everyone at risk and that she needs to control herself.”

Eld began to chuckle, earning a glare from Levi.

“What’s so funny?” Levi growled.

“I found out your problem!” Eld chuckled, “You’ve been telling her what’s been setting you off, but you have made no effort to hear what she has to say.”

“What excuse could she have to defend herself from disobeying direct orders from Darius and Erwin? Do you know how many times I had to defend her actions to those men?!”

“I understand,” Eld said, “but being the leader of a squad means knowing what is going on with each of your subordinates. You know that Commander Erwin knows everyone in the Survey Corps. He makes an effort to make sure that every individual in our division is alright. Making sure that your subordinates know that they can come to you about anything is crucial to their performance on the field.”

Levi stays silent, pondering the words of his second in command.

“Sir, permission to speak freely?” Eld asked.

“Isn’t that what I’m already letting you do?” Levi scoffed.

“Just making sure.” Eld said, “Look, captain. I understand why you distance yourself from us.”

“You do?” the man asked with a quirked brow.

Eld nodded, “Furlan and Isabel.”

Levi tensed at the names, “How do you-”

“Hange and Erwin told me.” Eld said, “When I was first assigned to your squad, I noticed that you never acted like the other squad leaders. You were reserved and not as outgoing as the others. You distanced yourself, only allowing those under you to speak about anything related to the Corps. When I was promoted to your second in command, I went to Hange and Erwin and asked them about you. I know I invaded your privacy, but I needed to understand you. Not as my captain, but as Levi Ackerman. I wanted to understand why you act the way you do.”

“So,” Levi said, looking down at his feet, “you concluded that those two were the reason.”

“They are.” Eld said, “They were your closest friends growing up and they followed you to the Survey Corps. Erwin said that when you first joined, you were silent and rude. But when Isabel and Furlan joined, you opened up. Then… when they died…”

“I closed up.” Levi finishes.

“What I’m trying to say, Captain is that it’s okay to open up again. It’s okay to build relationships outside of the Survey Corps. We could indeed die any day at any time, and it will destroy us to see our friends dead. But it’s the moments where we are together that are the best. I know that Y/N is having trouble. I’ve tried confronting her about it, but she refuses to discuss it. Petra is the only person in this squad who is close with Y/N. If you really want to know what’s going on with her, you need to listen to her. Not as Captain Levi of the Survey Corps, but as Levi Ackerman. Communication is important, especially for us.”

Levi nodded to Eld’s words of advice and chuckled.

“What is it?” Eld asked.

“You seem to know a lot about communication.” Levi chuckled, “You’d be a desirable husband.”

Eld gave a nervous smile, “I actually do have a girlfriend…”

Levi looked at him in surprise, “Really?”

“Yeah…” Eld said, “We’re going through a rough patch right now. Me going outside the wall for so long worries her to bits.”

“Does she want you to quit?”

“Yeah, she does,” Eld sighs, “But she knows that I won’t. She knows how important this is to me. She understands that every time I leave, I might not come back, but she stays with me anyways. It confused me at first, but now I consider myself the luckiest guy in the world.”

Levi nods and looks ahead to see Y/N talking with Petra while their horses ate grass. How would he even approach her? Will Y/N open up to him? Would they be able to solve whatever issue she was dealing with?

“Well,” Eld said standing up, “We should get moving. You can talk to Y/N when we set up camp later tonight.”

Levi nodded and called to his squad to get back on their horses.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Their ride was peaceful for the first couple of hours. Y/N was still looking out for any titans from the back, but there were none to be seen. Her eyelids began to get heavy, for she didn’t sleep much the night before. Her mind kept replaying what happened between her and Captain Levi. She was about to fall asleep on her horse right then and there. She looked around one last time: nothing.

“Alright, buddy,” she said with a yawn, patting the horse's neck, “Just follow them if I fall asleep.”

As her eyes closed, three titans emerged out of the forest from behind.

“Y/L/N!” Levi called, “How does it look back there?”

When he received no response, he called again, “Y/L/N!”

He groaned in annoyance and turned his head, “Y/L/N!! When I call you-Y/N!!!”

The captain shouted her name when he saw her asleep on her horse, who had lost its distance from the group, as well as the titans who were running after her. He turned his horse and raced to Y/N.

“Everyone keep going! I’m going to get Y/N!” Levi yelled.

“We can help!” Petra cried.

“No!” Levi said, “Keep going! If we’re not back by nightfall, go find Erwin!” Levi said.

“Y/N!!” Gunther shouted as they rode away.

Y/N jolted awake at the shouting to see the squad getting further away and Captain Levi riding towards her, “What-”

Y/N screamed when she saw a giant hand reaching towards her. She looked up into the crazed eyes of the giant above her, frozen in fear. A 15-meter titan…

“Y/N!!”

She looked ahead to see Levi riding as fast as he could towards her, his face filled with fear. Right as she grabbed ahold of the hilt of her blades to pull them out, she was smacked from her horse's back. She flew across the ground, groaning in pain when her shoulder hit a rock. When she stilled, she tried to stand but fell on her knees. She looked down at her right leg and saw blood seeping through the material of her pants. She knew the cuts were only on the surface of her skin, but it hurt no less. She pulled out her blades and attempted to stand up to face the titan but fell to her knees in pain once again. The titan who knocked her off her horse stood in front of her and let out what seemed to be a laugh, enjoying watching its food struggle. It reached down towards the girl. Y/N screamed as she tried to back away from the giant hand. She looked around her to see if there was anything she could use her ODM gear to fly to, but there was nothing. She was stranded in the open with an injured shoulder and leg. She couldn’t fight back.

“Y/N!!”

She looked over to see Levi getting closer.

“Please…” Y/N cried to him as the giant hand wrapped around her torso. Y/N cried out in pain as the grip around her tightened as it lifted her into the air. Y/N screamed as she was brought up eye level to the face of the titan.

“Don’t!! Don’t!!” She cried as the beast opened its mouth, bringing her closer.

Suddenly, the other two titans rammed into them, reaching for her. The titan groaned and held her high above its head, out of reach of the other two. Then it leaned its head back opened its mouth once more.

“No! No!” Y/N cried trying to get out of its grip, but it was of no use. The titan opened its hand and Y/N fell towards its mouth.

Y/N looked down into the mouth of the titan in fear as she fell. She looked over to where Levi was, to see his horse. Wait…his horse? Where was-

“Y/N!”

Y/N looked up just in time to see Levi flying towards her. She closed her eyes as she prepared herself to feel the jaws close on her. He would be too late…

She felt something ram into her side and two arms wrap around her. When she opened her eyes, she saw Levi’s face.

“Hold on! Brace yourself!” he yelled.

Y/N closed her eyes as she felt a hand push her head closer to him. She heard him whistle right before they crashed into the ground.

“Come on, get up!” Levi said with a groan, already on his feet has his horse skidded to a stop next to him.

“I-I can’t! My l-leg!” Y/N hissed as she fell to her knees.

Levi cursed as he quickly picked her up and put her on the saddle. He looked back to see that the titans had noticed them and were running.

“Shit!” he hissed and jumped onto his horse behind Y/N, kicking it to start running. The horse sped off, running as fast as it could to lose the titans.

“W-What about the others?!” Y/N asked, trying to keep herself from slipping off. Levi wrapped an arm around her waist to keep her still.

“They went on ahead.” Levi said, “I told them that if we don’t find them by nightfall, they need to find Erwin.”

“Oh…Yeahh…” Y/N said, her body swaying in his hold, “Soundsssmart…”

“Y/N?” Levi asked, looking down at the girl to notice that she passed out, “Shit…”

He looked back at the titans, eyes widening when he noticed that 4 more had joined in the chase.

“Fucking bastards…” he cursed, looking around to see if he could find any sort of shelter to hide in. Y/N needed to be looked at. In the distance, he saw a small village. It looked somewhat intact. Maybe one of the houses had a basement or storm shelter…

“Come on girl!” Levi said, steering the horse in the direction of the village, leaving the titans to eat their dust.

Once they reached the village, Levi did a quick search of the houses and thank the walls one of them had a storm shelter. When he returned to his horse, he saw the titans getting closer. Springing into action, Levi grabbed his supply bags off his horse and brought Y/N down into his arms.

“Go!” Levi yelled at his horse. The beast took off into the forest. Levi ran into what was left of the house right as the titans arrived, immediately noticing him. Levi opened the latch with his foot and jumped inside. He prayed that the titans didn’t see where they went. When he set Y/N up against the wall, he made his way back to the entrance of the shelter and slowly cracked it open. The titans were walking around the village, pushing over what was left of the buildings to try and find where their meals went. Levi sighed and quietly shut the door.

“C-Captain?”

He looked up to see Y/N wincing in pain as she tried to get up.

“Stay down and keep your voice low.” He said as he made his way over to her.

Y/N sighed as she slumped back down against the wall, hissing in pain.

Levi opened his bag and took out a kit of medical supplies.

“Let me see it,” he said as he sat down next to her leg, lighting a couple of candles to bring some light in.

“I-I can do it…” Y/N said reaching for the supplies.

Levi pulled the kit away from her, “Let me see it.” He repeated.

Y/N sighed in defeat and pulled up her right pant leg, revealing a huge scratch running down her the side of it, blood seeping out of it. Levi looked further up her leg to notice blood on the side of her thigh.

“There’s more.” He said gesturing to the upper part of her leg.

Y/N panicked, “I-I can do it by myself, C-Captain…”

Levi sighed, “You won’t do as good a job as me.”

“C-Captain I-”

“Y/N.” Levi said, shutting the girl up at his use of her first name, “Just take this leg out. Please don’t make this more difficult than it has to be.”

Y/N gulped and nodded. She slowly unbuckled her pants, her face heating up in embarrassment, and carefully pulled her right leg out, wincing in pain a couple of times. Levi inspected the injury. It was a grass burn from when she was knocked off her horse, but she slid so much, the skin all along the side of her leg broke open. Levi turned to his bag and took out a rag and a canteen of water. He doused the rag in water, wringing it out a couple of times, and began wiping the dried blood and dirt from her leg and wound. Y/N’s body tensed up at the feeling of Levi’s hands on her leg. She used to dream about his hands on her…but in an entirely different situation…

Once Levi had gotten her leg wiped down from the dirt, he reached to grab a new rag and some rubbing alcohol.

“No!” Y/N hissed, “You are not putting that stuff on me!”

“Do you want to have your leg get infected?” Levi asked as he poured the alcohol on the rag, “Do you want your leg to get so bad that we have to cut it off?”

“I’ll take getting my leg chopped off,” Y/N said, pulling her leg closer to her chest, trying to ignore the pain.

“You’re unbelievable…” Levi sighed, “Give me your leg.”

“No.”

“It’s only going to hurt for a second.”

“I said no.”

Levi groaned as he moved, reaching the rag towards her leg. Y/N yelped and grabbed her captain’s hand. Levi’s eyes widened in alarm to her yelp and pushed her to the ground, his face inches away from hers.

“Be quiet!” he hissed, “If you make another sound, we are nothing more than titan fodder. Do you understand?”

Y/N nodded in understanding with a gulp, embarrassed by their compromising position; his hands on both sides of her head and one of his legs in between hers. Her younger self was screaming in delight.

“Now,” he breathed, “you are going to let me clean your wound and you are going to be quiet. Do you understand?”

Y/N nodded.

“Words, Y/L/N.”

“Y-Yes, sir…” Y/N replied with a shaky breath.

“Good.” Levi said, sitting back on his knees, “Sit up.”

Y/N slowly sat back up her body trembling in anticipation at the agony that liquid will give her.

Levi reached for her would with the rag. He looked up at her face,

“Quiet.”

Fire.

That’s what Y/N felt like once with rag meet her open flesh. She clenched her eyes shut and slapped a hand over her mouth, breathing heavily through her nose. Her other hand found her captain’s arm, clenching the fabric of his shirt in a deathlike grip. As he made his way down her leg, the pain worsened. Y/N swore she blacked out because when she opened her eyes, Levi was screwing the cap back onto the rubbing alcohol.

“See?” he said as he took out some cooling ointment, “Wasn’t too hard.”

“I want to die,” Y/N said, her body relaxing as her captain spread the cool ointment over her wound with his fingers.

“I won’t let you.” Levi said as he signaled her to turn on her side so he could place the gauze patches on her leg before he wrapped it, “We need you.”

Y/N’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment as she turned, part of her ass on display to her captain. The captain luckily paid no mind as he immediately started placing the gauze on her leg. It was only when he grabbed the cloth wrapping, he realized his predicament. There he was greeted with the sight of part of his subordinate’s ass.

“C-Captain?” Y/N asked in a small voice.

Levi cleared his throat as he approached her, “I um am going to need you to lift your leg a bit… So, I can wrap it.”

Y/N nodded and slowly lifted her leg in embarrassment. Levi knelt behind her and placed the end of the cloth on her thigh. He let a shaky breath escape his mouth as he moved his hand around her leg, accidentally brushing his hand against her, causing Y/N’s body to tense up.

“S-Sorry about that…” Levi said.

“I-It’s fine…” Y/N whispered.

Levi quickly finished wrapping her leg and started busying himself with putting everything back. Neither of the two spoke. Y/N watched as Levi started to tidy up the storm shelter when he finished with his bags.

“D-Do you think the horses will be alright?” Y/N asked, desperate to have the silence gone.

“Titans don’t eat horses.” Levi said, “They’ll be fine.”

“I hope Lily’s alright…”

“Lily?” Levi questioned, looking at Y/N.

“My horse.” Y/N shrugged.

“You named your horse?”

“Of course! It’d be rude not to.” Y/N said, “They’re living beings too. They have their own personalities.”

“I guess…” Levi said, going back to rearranging the boxes.

“Didn’t you name your horse?” Y/N asked.

“Naming something creates an attachment, Y/L/N…”

“You’ve had that horse for how long and you didn’t even name her? Everyone can see that that horse is smitten with you. Honestly Captain, you’ll probably outlive the horse, and you won’t name her?!”

“That’s why I won’t name her.”

Her captain’s response threw Y/N off. He doesn’t want to name his horse because he might outlive her?

“Alright then,” Y/N said, “If you don’t name her, I will.”

“Whatever, I won’t use it…”

“Brad.”

“That’s a man’s name, Y/L/N. My horse is a female.”

“Alright, hmmmmm…” Y/N hummed in thought, “Oh! How about Charlotte?”

“Whatever…” Levi said with a sigh.

“It’s decided then!” Y/N said, “Her name from now on is Charlotte.”

After Y/N gave Levi’s horse a name, the silence returned fast and for a longer period.

“How long have we been here?” Y/N groaned, “If it’s night, we could probably head out.”

Levi paused his cleaning and walked to the doors of the shelter. He opened the door slightly just in time to see a giant head descending towards the shelter. His eyes widened and closed the door just in time. He stepped back as he saw the doors creak to the weight of the titan.

“Shit!” He hissed.

“What?” Y/N said aloud. Levi dove at her, covering her mouth with his hands.

Y/N squirmed against him to get him off her but froze when she heard loud snoring from outside. Y/N looked at Levi with fear in her eyes as he slowly pulled his hand away and put a finger to his lips.

“I-Is it…”

“Sleeping on top of the doors? Yeah…”

“O-Oh dear god…” Y/N said, her body shaking.

“We just need to be quiet and sleep.” Levi whispered as he got up and slowly walked to the corner of the shelter, “I found some old pillows in one of the boxes. Lay down and sleep.”

He handed Y/N a pillow. She took it and set it on the ground, laying her head on it.

“What about you?” she whispered.

“I’ll stay awake,” he said, “If it moves its head, I’ll wake you up and we’ll get out of here.”

Y/N nodded with a yawn and fell asleep in no time.

It had been a few hours since Y/N fell asleep, and now Levi was having trouble keeping his eyes open. He almost drifted off, until he heard the sound of teeth chattering. He looked over at Y/N and noticed that she was shivering. He realized that she was so used to sleeping by a fire, he forgot how chilly it gets at night. Levi got up and took his cloak off. He knelt by Y/N and draped it over her. Y/N’s shivering ceased as she snuggled closer to the cloak. Levi gave a soft chuckle at the sleeping girl and sat back down in his spot, his eyes closing as soon as he got settled.

------------------------------------------------------

Y/N woke up feeling refreshed. She moved her leg a bit to see if it had gotten any better. It was sore, but it felt much better than yesterday. She noticed the green cloak bunched up at her side.

“You were shivering,” Levi said, “It’s not much, but you were better after.”

Y/N turned to her captain, seeing him rub the sleep from his eyes.

“Thank you…” Y/N said, “Weren’t you cold?”

“Nope. I was fine,” he said.

Y/N found herself blushing a bit at his morning voice.

Before she could say anything else, she felt the earth shake a bit beneath her and heard multiple groans from outside.

“They’re still here,” Levi grumbled.

Y/N sighed in defeat.

“How’s your leg?”

“A little better. Mostly sore.” Y/N replied.

“I’ll need to redress it tonight.”

“Okay…”

Silence fills the air once again. It annoyed Y/N, but she didn’t know what to talk to the captain about other than things related to the Survey Corps…

Neither of them said anything for most of the day. They just sat in silence, listening to the footsteps and groans of the titans outside. When the sun began to set, Levi took out two ration packs and handed one to Y/N. They ate in silence.

“Do you think they made it to Erwin?” Y/N asked.

“Yeah,” Levi said, “They’re efficient with their time. They probably told him what happened.”

“Do you think they’ll come for us?”

“Most likely.”

They ate in silence once again. Levi sighed and turned to Y/N, “Why do you keep disobeying orders?”

Y/N froze, she did not want to talk about it with her captain.

“I-I don’t know.”

“Bullshit, Y/L/N,” Levi groaned, “There is a reason, and you are not willing to share.”

“Why do you care, Captain?” Y/N glared, “You never ask us what’s bothering us. You don’t know anything about us! Why do you suddenly care?”

“Because I want to!” Levi said, “I want to be a better captain. I’m sorry I was so distant from everyone, and I want to change that. I want to help you overcome whatever it is that’s bothering you.”

Y/N sighed, “I’ll only tell you if you tell me the reason why you distance yourself from everyone.”

“No. I can’t do that.”

“Then I won’t tell you.” Y/N shrugged, earning a glare from her captain, “That’s how it is Captain! You can’t expect to help us to open ourselves to you if you won’t open yourself to us. That’s not how any relationship works.”

Levi sighed, “If it has something to do with the Survey Corps, just tell me.”

“It does and it doesn’t,” Y/N said, “Not telling unless you’re willing to share.”

“Fine!” Levi sighed in defeat, “I’ll tell you, but tell me what’s going on with you.”

Y/N sighed as she played with her fingers, staying quiet.

“Come on,” Levi sighed, “I want to help you. Just tell me.”

“I-I don’t know… It’s verrrry personal and it’ll probably make you uncomfortable.” Y/N said quietly. There was a small bit of silence between the two. Levi had an idea about what this was about, so he decided to rip the band-aid off.

“Is it about you liking me?”

Y/N’s head whipped to him in surprise, “How did you-”

“I’ve known since you joined my squad. You weren’t exactly subtle in your approaches.” Levi chuckled.

“I was young and stupid.” Y/N sighed, putting her head in her hands in shame.

“I thought you were over it, Y/L/N…” Levi said, his authoritative tone returning, “I thought you had moved on.”

“Believe me, I tried!” Y/N cried, looking up at him with tears brimming her eyes, “I tried…so hard to leave it alone….to forget about you…”

Levi sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

“But it worked for a bit!” Y/N said, “Killing titans helped… It distracted me…But then when we started focusing on surveying instead…”

“You were frustrated being around me so much that you left on your own. Disobeying our orders.” Levi finished.

Y/N nodded in shame, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

“This is something I can’t help you with Y/L/N…” Levi said.

“I understand.”

“Doing anything together could affect us and our team.”

“I know…”

They sat there in silence for a few minutes.

“I distance myself from everyone…because everyone I get close to dies,” Levi said.

Y/N looked up at him, “That can’t be true…”

“Levi chuckled, “I wish it weren’t true… My mother died when I was a kid, and my two best friends were eaten by titans on our first mission two years ago. Since then, I distanced myself from everyone.”

“So, you avoided making new relationships so that you wouldn’t feel bad if they died.” Y/N sighed.

“It’s worked so far.” Levi shrugged, “No one from my squad has died.”

“That’s because they’re good soldiers Levi, not because you distanced yourself from them.” Y/N said, “They are here because you trained them well and they are prepared for any situation.”

Levi shrugged.

“Captain, in this world, everyone dies. Whether we like it or not and whether we think it’s our fault or not. We never know when, where or how we die…but it’s inevitable. I’m sorry about your mother and your friends…But their deaths were most likely not your fault.”

“I left Farlan and Isabel by themselves because they told me to scout ahead and they got killed…” Levi hissed, “That sounds a lot like it was my fault…”

“No, it wasn’t!” Y/N said, “they told you to go! Their deaths were not your fault. It could have happened to anyone. Do you think they would want you to blame yourself? They could have run from that titan, but instead, they chose to fight it. They chose to do their duty instead of caring about themselves. They chose to lay down their lives. That’s what we all signed up for…we are choosing to lay down our lives for the cause. Captain, one day, hopefully never, we may not come home… But I want you to know that if any of us dies, we don’t want you to blame yourself. We care about you, Captain…”

“Thanks…” Levi sighed, getting up to grab a set of gauze patches and wrapping, “but I can’t help you with your issue with me… I won’t be able to do many things for you and it would be detrimental to both of us.”

Y/N sighed, “I know. I’ll work on it…”

Levi nodded and knelt next to her, hands reaching for her leg to unwrap it. Y/N waved a hand to stop him, “I’ll do it.”

Levi sat back and watched her struggle to take the bandage off. Her leg had become so sore, she couldn’t bend it far enough to reach her foot to undo it without hissing in pain.

“Need help?” Levi asked, seeing enough of the torture she was putting herself through.

“To the knee, then I’ll take over.”

Levi nodded and lifted her foot. He carefully unwrapped it, apologizing every time she winced in pain. When he got to the knee, he stopped and lifted his hands, “Your turn. While you do that, I’m going to take off the gauze and put more ointment on you.”

“Fine.” She said as she took over the unwrapping.

Levi carefully peeled off the gauze pads from her. The broken skin looked better and less inflamed; it began to scab over from the sides. The only thing new that showed up was the intense bruising that formed around the area. Levi ran his fingers over the bruise earning a hiss from the girl.

“Does it hurt?” he asked.

Y/N nodded, “Y-Yeah. How does it look?”

“Your wound is beginning to scab over from the sides of your wound, but you have a lot of bruising that showed up throughout the night.”

“Yep. Felt the bruising…”

“I’ll put new ointment on,” Levi said as he opened the tube. He looked up at Y/N, “I’ll try to not put too much pressure.”

Y/N nodded and continued her work on her thigh, carefully peeling off the gauze. Levi put the ointment on her calf and spread it as carefully as he could. When he got to her knee, he paused a looked up at Y/N who raised her eyebrow at him.

“What?”

He gestured to her thigh, “You want to take over?”

“I’ll probably miss a spot.” Y/N replied, “You can do it.”

“You sure?”

Y/N nodded.

Levi crept closer to her and began spreading more of the cool ointment onto her thigh, calming her inflamed nerves. Y/N gave out a gentle sigh which caused Levi to pause and look up at her. Y/N looked at him, “T-That was because the ointment feels nice!” she quickly defended herself, “It’s cooling my thigh…”

“Sure…”

“It’s not because of you touching me, I swear!” Y/N exclaimed.

“Okay! I heard you…” Levi said, continuing his work on her, almost dreading the next steps.

“Okay…” he said with a shaky breath, “Can you…”

Y/N looked at him when he couldn’t finish his sentence. Levi looked away from her face and did a rolling signal with his finger. Oh… Y/N realized that after their talk, he might feel uncomfortable.

“We don’t have to-”

“It’ll get infected if we don’t.”

“But you look-”

“It doesn’t matter.” Levi snapped, “We’re adults. Let’s act like them. It’s not going to kill us…”

Y/N sighed with embarrassment once again as she turned to her side, focusing her eyes on the wall facing her. When she turned, Levi was once again greeted by her ass. He didn’t know how he ignored it the first time, but after their talk, he couldn’t not glance at it. It was a nice ass. Even he couldn’t say it wasn’t. Y/N was attractive, but he couldn’t admit that. No, scratch that. He didn’t want to admit it. He’s seen her work out in her athletic wear and he knew she had an attractive figure, but he never looked at her as a woman, until now…

“C-Captain?” Y/N said nervously, shaking Levi out of his thoughts.

“Sorry…” he said, “Lost in thought. I’ll start at your calf.”

Y/N stayed silent while Levi got to work on placing the gauze on her and wrapping her calf.

“What were you thinking about?” Y/N asked.

Levi paused at his spot wrapping her knee, “I was thinking about some new training regiments we could do when we get back home…” he lied.

“Oh.”

Levi’s heart began to beat faster as he approached her upper thigh. He looked over at Y/N’s face, which had a tinge of pink cover her cheeks.

“You okay?” he asked her.

She nodded her head once, “Y-Yeah…You?”

“Yeah,” Levi said with a sigh. He moved his free hand under her thigh to lift it a little higher, careful to avoid her bruising. Her skin felt so soft under his touch as he wrapped her, slowly moving upwards until his hand was centimeters from her clothed core. He noticed that her skin got warmer as he moved his hand up her thigh. He looked at her once he finished, her face flushed, tiny pants of breath escaping her lips, eyes shut tight. She looked…beautiful. Levi clenched his jaw, knowing he was most likely going to regret what he was about to do… but fuck everything.

“Y/N…”

Y/N opened her eyes and moved to sit back up again, “What is it?”

Her eyes widened as she felt the captain grab her face with his hands and place his lips on hers. The captain was kissing her… Not just any captain, Captain Levi.

“C-Captain…” Y/N gasped, earning a groan from the man.

“Just shut and kiss me, Y/N,” Levi growled.

Y/N closed her eyes and returned the kiss, mouth parting to let the captain slip in his tongue to meet hers. Y/N felt like she was dreaming. Having his rough lips against her made her forget about the situation they were in. She forgot that they were within the titan-infested land with titans right outside, looking for them. Levi was in the same boat as her. Usually, he would feel like throwing up at the sight of people kissing the way they were kissing at that moment, but now he understood how good it felt. How good her lips felt on his. However, he was snapped out of his thoughts when Y/N let out a moan. He opened his eyes and pulled back immediately. Y/N slapped a hand over her mouth in shock at what she had just done. They both went deadly still as the thumping of giant feet came to a halt right in front of the shelter. Levi looked at Y/N as she was shaking in fear. He knew that if the titans found out they were in here, she wouldn’t be able to get away. Levi quickly picked her up and moved her further into the shadows of the shelter. Hopefully, if the titan opened the doors, it would only see Levi and not see her. Y/N watched as Levi quickly put on his ODM gear, crouching on his knees, ready to fly out the second the doors opened. Y/N’s breath hitched at the sound of something scratching the doors. She looked at Levi in fear.

‘It’ll be okay’ he mouthed.

Just then the sound of a horses’ whinny pierced the air. The scratching stopped and the footsteps resumed, sounding softer and softer. Levi went to the door and cracked it open slightly. He looked out to see his horse run towards the forest, the titans chasing it.

“Clever girl.” Levi chuckled as he closed the door, sitting down next to Y/N.

“What happened?”

“My horse got their attention and led them to the forest, they probably think that she had a rider on her back.”

“Charlotte stayed here?”

“She kept her distance,” Levi said, getting up again to take off his ODM gear, “I trained her to do that. If I am in a predicament with titans, she stays by but keeps her distance until I call her.”

“How did she know we were here?”

“She’s a horse, Y/N, not a goldfish.” He chuckled, “She probably saw me jump in here with you as she was running off.”

“Clever girl indeed,” Y/N said with a smile as he sat back down next to her.

“Yep.”

“Were you going to fight all seven of those titans?”

“If I had to, yes.”

“Sorry.” Y/N said with a blush, Levi looked at her in confusion, “For…moaning too loud.”

Levi chuckled at the girl’s apology.

“It’s not funny!” Y/N said, “I could’ve gotten us killed because I was too invested in that moment!”

“I’m just glad you did before I could.” Levi smirked, “God how embarrassing would that be?”

“It was embarrassing to me!!” Y/N said, punching his arm.

The two sat in silence for a minute until Y/N spoke up.

“So, you liked it?”

Levi shrugged, “Well I didn’t hate it.”

Y/N nodded and looked down at her nails, picking the skin around them, thinking that Levi didn’t enjoy the kiss. Levi noticed her action and placed a hand under her jaw, turning her to look up at him.

“That was a joke.” He said as he placed his lips on hers, “I did like it.”

Y/N sighed into the kiss. Enjoying the feeling of their lips molding against each other. After a couple of minutes of nonstop lip-locking, Y/N felt her core flaring up. She began to rub her thighs in need. Levi noticed her squirming and detached himself from her, a small groan escaping her lips.

"We can’t do that here,” he said, “You’re injured.”

“I-I know…” Y/N panted, “I-I just n-need release!”

Levi nodded and pushed her other pantleg down her thigh.

“W-What are you doing?”

“Helping,” Levi said as he recaptured her lips.

Y/N let out a muffled moan when she felt his fingers rub her core through her panties. Levi could feel the warm wetness begin to gather on the clothing. Curious to feel more, he slipped his hand below her panties, earning another gasp from the girl.

“M-More...” Y/N panted.

Levi hummed at her request and slowly inserted a finger into her hole, another moan escaping her lips. Levi mentally thanked Charlotte for keeping the titans occupied as he thrust his finger in and out of the woman.

“C-Captain-”

“Levi.” He corrected her.

“L-Levi…” Y/N panted, looking down at his pants, “Y-You’re…”

Levi followed her gaze to his groin, noticing the bulge straining against his pants. Y/N reached for his belt, undoing the clasps. Levi grabbed her hand with his free one.

“What are you doing?”

“R-Returning the f-favor.”

“I don’t need you-”

“P-Please let me~” Y/N groaned bucking her hips into his hand in an attempt to get him to continue what he was doing.

Levi nodded to let her continue, moving his hand in her panties again. Once finished with the belt, she unbuttoned his pants and pulled the zipper down, pulling his underwear down enough for his cock to spring free already leaking with precum. Y/N admired it as she ran a hand over the tip, earning a shivered moan from her captain. He had an impressive length and girth which excited her even more for the future. Y/N let out a gasp as she felt another finger thrusting into her.

“D-Do something,” Levi growled.

Y/N nodded and began pumping him, spreading his precum all over him to make it easier. Levi moaned at the feeling of her hand on him. He began to pressure her clit with his thumb, rubbing in circles. Y/N’s back arched off the wall with a gasp at the new sensation, her hand gripping Levi a little harder as she jerked him, him hissing in pleasure as well. Y/N felt her walls begin to tighten.

“L-Levi~”

“I-I know!” he groaned as her hand picked up its pace. Levi added more pressure to his thumb and rubbed her insides with his fingers every time he thrust them in.

“Levi!” she whimpered, “I-I’m-”

Levi smashed his lips against hers, drinking in her moans as her body spasmed under him. When he pulled his hand out of her, he looked at his fingers covered in her release. Y/N watched him with wide eyes as he put them in his mouth, sucking them clean. She never thought she would ever see the captain do something as sinfully sexy as that.

Levi smirked at her as he licked some of her juices on his lips, “Tasty.”

Y/N looked down in embarrassment when she realized that she never finished him off. Turning onto her good him, she leaned over her leg and took him in her mouth. Levi let out a sinful moan at the feeling of her mouth on him. Y/N began to bob her head up and down his length, giving a suck on the tip every time. Levi grabbed a fistful of her hair with a groan, hips thrusting up to meet her mouth. Y/N almost choked when he did that, so she used both hands the hold his hips down.

“Y-Y/N…” Levi panted, “Don’t stop! Almost there…”

Y/N felt him twitching in her mouth. He was close…so close…She pulled her mouth back to up his tip and gave him one big suck.

“Y/N!” Levi groaned as he kept her head still, shooting his seed into her mouth. When Levi relaxed, he let go of her head and she sat up, still holding his cum in her shut mouth.

“You don’t have to swallow that shit.” He said as he tried to catch his breath.

Y/N chuckled from her throat. Levi’s eyes widened as he watched her swallow.

“A little bitter,” she said with a smirk, “but not bad.”

Levi groaned as he got up and grabbed a rag from his bag, wiping himself. When he tucked himself in, he turned to Y/N, “Need a rag?”

“Sure.”

Levi tossed her a rag and wiped herself. When she finished, she tossed the rag back into his open hand and pulled her panties back up.

“We ran out of gauze and wrapping. Might as well put your pants back on.”

“I might need help with that.”

Levi looked at her pointing to her injured leg, “I guess you could use some assistance.”

Levi knelt in front of her feet and pulled the other pant leg down to her ankle so that she wouldn’t have to bend the other leg. He moved her injured leg into the right pant and pulled them up to her knees.

“Did that hurt?”

“No,” Y/N said, “It’s my thigh I’m worried about.”

Levi nodded, “I’m going to have to have you standing for that. I’ll pick you up, just try to stay balanced.”

Y/N nodded as Levi stood above her, one foot outside her hips. She raised her arms as Levi curled his under her armpits.

“Ready? One, two, three…” he groaned as he pulled her up with him. She almost lost her balance, not able to apply too much weight to her right leg.

“Hold onto me,” Levi said, looking down into her eyes.

Y/N nodded and held onto his shoulder as he bent down a little to pull up her pants. Y/N winced a couple of times his thumb pressed into her injury and every time, Levi apologized. When he finished buttoning her pants and adjusting her belt, he slowly helped her back into the floor against the wall.

“Well, that was…fun.” Y/N said, unsure of what to call whatever ‘that’ was.

Levi snorted as he sat down next to her, allowing her to rest her head against his shoulder, “It was fun.”

They sat in silence. That was until the sound of hooves raced by along with a neigh of, what seemed to be, excitement with many giant footsteps following a bit behind, causing the two to laughed.

“Someone else is having fun.” Y/N giggled, “Won’t she get tired?”

Levi chuckled, ��No. She could do that for hours. She won’t be chased by them for long anyway. It’s getting dark. They should be asleep in the next 10, 15 minutes. Give or take.”

“Do you regret what we did…Levi?”

Levi sighed, “Will you continue to disobey orders and go off on your own on future missions?”

Y/N shook her head, knowing that she was speaking to her captain at that moment, not her lover, “No sir.”

Levi gave her a soft smile and kissed her forehead, “then no, I don’t regret it.”

They heard hooves slowly padding towards the door then stop. Then they heard a snort and a scratch at the door.

“Looks like they’re asleep,” Levi said as he got up and walked up to the door. He opened it a little and was greeted by the black nose of his steed.

“Hey girl,” he cooed, letting the horse lick his hand, “Did they fall asleep?”

He peeked his head out of the door and saw the titans fast asleep. He reached up and pat his horse’s head, “Good job. Now go rest. We’ll wait until Erwin comes to leave.”

He clicked at the horse a couple of times and the beast turned and walked off into the grass.

“They’re asleep. Let’s get some rest.” Levi said, returning to his spot beside Y/N.

“Why don’t we leave now?”

“Because you can barely stand on your own. Erwin has a cart with his squad filled with supplies in case any of the other squads run into trouble. When they come, you will be riding in that.”

Y/N nodded in understanding.

“Get some sleep, Y/N.” Levi said, pulling her head into his lap and closing his eyes, “Hopefully they will be here tomorrow.”

Y/N yawned, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Levi didn’t know how long he slept for, but he woke up to a start when he heard zipping and hushed whispers outside. Levi carefully lifted Y/N’s head and slipped a pillow underneath it. He quickly picked up his ODM blade and slowly crept up to the door. He slowly opened the door and peeked out to see the bodies of the titans simmering. Someone killed the titans. He stepped out of the shelter and closed the door quietly. He saw a light and heard chatter from one of the demolished houses and made his way towards it.

“There’s no way they’re here!” a male said, “Do you think he’d hide them in destroyed village?!”

“Where else would he have gone?” an all too familiar voice said.

Levi sighed in relief. Erwin.

“Trees.” Eld’s voice piped up, “Everyone knows that the trees are the safest place.”

“Well, that was my plan, but Y/N wouldn’t have lasted a day,” Levi said walking into the doorless house.

“Captain!” his squad cried.

“You’re okay!” Gunther said, “I knew it!”

“Where’s Y/N?!” Petra asked frantically.

“Sleeping.”

“Where did you two hide?” Oluo asked.

“Storm shelter. Her right leg was injured so I decided that would be the safest place for her. Stupid beasts weren’t able to find us.”

“Smart move, Levi.” Erwin nodded.

“Erwin, we need to get her back to Trost immediately. She’s too badly injured and will not be able to survive the rest of the mission.” Levi said immediately.

Erwin nodded, “I sent two of Mike and his squad to let Hange and Nanaba know that we will be returning to Trost and that they will continue their mission. Go get Y/N and we will head back to Trost immediately. It will be safer if we can travel by night. Hopefully, we will get there by morning.”

“I’ll help get your things,” Petra said, following Levi to the shelter.

Levi pointed Petra to his bags, which she got and went to go put them in the wagon.

“Y/N,” Levi said carefully moving her into his arms.

“What?” she said groggily as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

“Erwin’s here. We’re going back home.”

“Is Petra here?”

“Yeah, she’s here. They all are.” He replied.

“That’s good,” she yawned, “Can I go back to sleep?”

“You don’t want to say hi?”

“I can do that tomorrow…” she said as she rested her head against his chest, falling right back to sleep.

Levi chuckled as he walked out of the shelter. When he approached the wagon, his squad ran up to him to greet Y/N. Levi pulled her closer to him and shook his head, “Let her sleep.”

His subordinates nodded in understanding as they went to their horses and prepared to leave. Levi placed Y/N in the wagon then ran off back into the shelter to grab her pillow. Eld watched with a small smile as he saw his captain run back and place the pillow under Y/N’s head and covered her with a blanket. They must’ve figured out what was going on with Y/N during their time in the shelter.

Levi whistled into the darkness and out of nowhere, his horse came running.

“She was here the whole time?” Oluo exclaimed, “Why didn’t you both ride her?”

“Y/N’s unfit to ride,” Levi said, climbing to the horse, “When she fell off her horse, she skidded so much that the ground tore up her right pant leg and her skin. She can’t even stand up without falling over, let alone bend her leg. Riding on a horse would have hurt her more.”

“Oh…” Oluo said.

Levi rode up beside Petra, “Did you find Lily?”

“Lily?” she asked in confusion, “Oh, you mean her horse! Yeah, one of Erwin’s men has her following his horse.”

Levi followed her gaze to the man who was riding towards them, Lily in tow.

“She followed us to Erwin.” Petra said, “I figured she would have stayed with Y/N like yours.”

Levi chuckled, “I trained her to stay near me if I was stuck. She saved our asses when we were stuck. Led the titans away when they were interested in the shelter and had them chase her for an hour or two before nightfall.”

“How did they think you were in the shelter? They aren’t smart enough to think of that.”

Levi froze, remembering what caught the titan’s attention.

“Uh Y/N…saw a mouse…and freaked out!” Levi said, trying to hide his blush. Unfortunately for him, Petra saw right through him. She was a woman after all. She’s seen men try to do what her captain was doing before.

She chuckled at him, “Sure she did. Y/N Y/L/N, one of the Survey Corps fiercest, was startled by a mouse!” she sent him a wink and she pushed her horse forward, but not without saying, “If you don’t want to make it obvious about what happened between the two of you, don’t say her first name so casually.”

Levi could only stare at her as she left him behind. How did she see right through him? He was shaken out of his thoughts when Erwin called to everyone to head out. During the entire ride back, Levi rode by the wagon carrying Y/N.

----------------------------------------------------------

When Y/N woke up, she was in a gown on a bed. She looked around the room and realized that she was in the medical wing of the Survey Corps headquarters. They made it back home. She noticed that Levi was in the room with her, sleeping in a chair. Y/N pulled back the covers and noticed that her bandages has been redone. She slowly moved herself to the edge of the bed and placed her feet on the ground. She wobbled a bit but managed to balance herself. She slowly limped over to the window and looked outside. They were back inside Wall Rose.

“Y/N?”

Y/N looked to see Levi wiping his eyes of sleep, “Why are you up?” he asked.

“I’m pretty sure I’m pumped full of drugs so I can’t sense any pain,” she chuckled, “We’re home.”

“Yeah, we got back early this morning and rushed you here. The doctors took care of you and said you can come back in a few days. I have your medication on me. God, I can’t believe you slept on that wagon the whole way here.”

“Did you go get some rest back home?” she asked.

“I went to clean myself up then came back here.”

“You mean, you slept in that chair since we came back?”

Levi nodded, “Better than that wall.”

“Still, your back must be aching!” Y/N said, hobbling over to the bed and patting the mattress, “Come lay down and get some proper sleep.”

“Y/N,” Levi sighed, “I don’t think that’s appropriate.”

“I don’t care,” Y/N said patting the bed again, “You need proper sleep. Come lay down.”

Levi sighed again as he stood up and got onto the bed, laying down behind Y/N, “Better?”

“Much.” Y/N smiled, “Now sleep.”

Levi nodded and closed his eyes, sleep taking over him in no time. After about an hour, Y/N heard a soft knock on her door. Y/N hobbled over to the door and opened it slowly, seeing Hange and Erwin.

“Y/N?” Hange exclaimed, “You should be in bed!”

“Shhh! Hange!” Y/N whispered, “Be quiet!”

“Where’s Levi?” Erwin questioned, “He said he was going to be in here with you.”

“He is,” Y/N said, stepping to the side to let the two look at him, sleeping peacefully on the bed.

“Awwww look at him, Erwin!” Hange said with a smile, “He looks so peaceful.”

“It’s about time he got some good sleep.” Erwin sighed, “He stayed by your side the entire trip back. I had to force him to go home and clean up. He was worried about you, Y/N. I’ve never seen him so attached to someone. I didn’t know he cared that much about you.”

“Neither did I…” Y/N sighed, “We’re not breaking any rules, are we?”

Erwin chuckled, “No, you aren’t breaking any rules. Dating within the Corps isn’t ideal, but not forbidden. We just don’t want our soldiers losing focus.”

“I understand, sir.” Y/N said, “Levi- I mean, Captain Levi and I discussed it during our time together. We understand the risks. If I feel like my abilities are being hindered, I will stop it all.”

Erwin nodded with a smile, “You don’t need to call the Levi formally around me. I’m glad you two understand the risks. You are both a couple of our best soldiers. You are very smart and capable of taking care of yourselves, so I don’t think I will have to worry about you two.”

“Thank you, Commander.”

“Y/N! If Levi does anything stupid, come to me! I’ll knock some sense into him!” Hange chuckled.

“Not if I knock you out first…” Levi groaned, sitting up, “Hange you’re too damn loud…”

“Levi’s got a girlfriend!” Hange sang, earning a groan from Levi and a chuckle from Erwin.

“Erwin, please take that lunatic and leave…” the dark-haired man said.

“Of course. You two must want some time to yourselves!” Erwin said, embarrassing dad mode in full drive, “Come on Hange, let’s give them some privacy.”

Y/N and Levi tried to hide their blushes from their Commander.

“Don’t forget to use protection!!” Hange said.

“HANGE!!” Levi yelled as Hange cackled, closing the door before the man could launch himself out of the bed.

“Well, that was…” Y/N started to say but lost her words.

“Fucking embarrassing.” Levi finished, “Erwin has no filter. I can’t believe he thought we were going to have sex…”

Y/N didn’t say anything, she just stood against the door, looking down at her feet.

“I mean…” Y/N said, “I thought that was why you were telling them to leave…”

“Y/N,” Levi sighed, “I would like nothing more than to bend you over this bed and take you however I see fit… But you’re still injured, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

Y/N nodded at his words.

“Come here.”

Y/N walked over to the bed and sat down next to him.

Levi patted the space next to him, “Lay down.”

Y/N laid on her side, facing her captain. He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer to him, “When you get back,” he said.

“Okay,” Y/N said, “when I get back.”

Levi smiled and kissed her forehead, “I promise. Now sleep.”

Y/N smiled and snuggled closer to him. Breathing in his scent as she was whisked off into her dreams, feeling at home in the arms of the man with her.

--------------------------------------------------------

It had been 4 days since they got back from their mission and Y/N was allowed to come back, only able to do some light training. When she arrived at the Corp’s headquarters, Petra caught her in a tight hug.

“How are you feeling?” her friend asked.

“I’m feeling good! The leg is still pretty sore, but the wound looks so much better. I can walk like a pro!” Y/N laughed, “Oh hey! I never asked, did you find Lily?”

“Yeah, we found her! The captain didn’t tell you?”

“No. He was sleeping most of the time while I was in the hospital. He didn’t sleep much while we were lost.”

Y/N noticed the naughty look Petra was giving her. Y/N laughed and lightly punched her friend's arm, “We didn’t do much!”

“That means you did something?” Petra said wiggling her eyebrows.

Y/N groaned, “Petra, I literally couldn’t move my leg then!”

“Y/N,” Petra chuckled leaning into her friend's ear, “There are plenty of other ways. I’m not stupid. The captain acted exactly like you did when I asked him how the titans became so interested in the storm shelter.”

Y/N couldn’t hide the blush covering her face, “Petra!”

The girl laughed at her friend's embarrassment, “Lily’s in the stables if you want to see her!” she called as she headed towards the mess hall.

Y/N rolled her eyes and walked into the stable to see her four-legged friend.

“Hey girl!” she said as she walked into her horse’s stall. The horse immediately leaned down to sniff her pockets to see if she had some treats on her.

“No, none today,” Y/N sighed as she grabbed the brush to brush her mane, “I’m going to have to train you to stay near me if something like that happens again… But you did well following them to Commander Erwin.”

When she finished Lily’s mane, she saw Gunther running towards Lily’s stall.

“Gunther? What is it?”

“It’s the-the captain,” Gunther panted, “He told me to-to tell you to go to his office, he- he said it’s urgent.”

Y/N nodded, her insides exploding with excitement, knowing exactly what he called her for, “I’ll be there in a moment, thanks, Gunther.”

Gunther nodded and walked out of the stables.

Y/N sighed and placed the brush along the shelf with her other tools and patted Lily, “I’ll be back later. I’ve got a special meeting.”

Y/N exited Lily’s stall and closed the door, making her way down the hall of the stable. She stopped by Levi’s horses’ stall, greeting the black mare.

“Hello girl!” she said giving the horses’ head a rub, “Thanks for saving our asses.”

Y/N turned to continue her way out when she noticed something shiny caught her eye. She turned back and noticed a brass nameplate on the stall door. Levi didn’t have a nameplate for his horse like the rest of the Survey Corps…Y/N looked closer at the plate and saw the name ‘Charlotte’ etched into it.

“Charlotte.” Y/N said, earning a knicker from the black mare, “I came up with it! I recommended it to him.”

Y/N smiled as she made her way to Levi’s office, her heart beating in anticipation for what awaited her behind his doors.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Huzzah!! You have reached the end of this journey! I hope you enjoyed it! Feedback is always appreciated!

#levi x reader #levi smut #levi ackerman smut #levi x reader smut #attack on titan

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arthurmorganwateringhole · 2 years

Note

Hello! I love your post about Arthur's intelligence. Overall, I think people underrate his talent. The man is an amazing artist!

Oh I completely agree, and his artistry is not divorced from his intelligence. @papauue and I have privately discussed how Arthur is a Western 'Renaissance Man,' but before I get ahead of myself, I want to elaborate a bit on his artistry, his journal, and why that pertains to his intelligence.

I mentioned in my original post that Arthur's 2 books are works of natural history. This isn't a coincidence when you look at his journal. Here are examples of works of natural history where the scientist themselves drew their subject matter and observations:

1. Maria Sibylla Merian - Metamorphosis insectorum Surinamensium (1705)

-Merian was a remarkable woman for her time; she was taught art by her family and formally through apprenticeship, but apart from that is a self-taught scientist. Upon moving to the Americas, she published her findings on Surinam plant life and entomology. Just take a look at these:

2. Mark Catesby - The Natural History of Carolina (1734-47, repub 1754)

Not much is known of Catesby's personal life. We have no record of him having attended university or having been formally trained, yet his work shows he can write in English and Latin, not to mention draw. The 2nd image shown here is his drawing of the American Bald Eagle. If you look closely, you can see a pencilled sketch embedded within the illustration! Fascinating stuff. Like Merian, Catesby drew these from his own observations while traveling the Carolinas.

3. Perhaps the most famous work of natural history, Hans Sloane's Voyage to Jamaica (1705-1725)

Unlike the prior examples, Sloane was not only university educated but a scientist and physician with an institutional appointment (not to mention wealth).

All of these examples date from what scholars call the 'long 18th century' (a period roughly bookended as 1665-1818) -- well before Arthur's time in 1899. I mention these examples to show what a rich cultural tradition Arthur is partaking in when he owns books of natural history and emulates their example. By the late 1800s, photography will soon displace the need for these 'Renaissance Men/Women' who sought to replicate on print their findings and observations for an audience who would never travel or leave their homes to observe flora and fauna.

I should also note that the examples I show here are of naturalists who wrote their natural histories before widespread settlement of the Americas. In other words, they were traveling the East Coast as an American frontier. By embedding Arthur (a fictional cowboy) in this rich tradition, I believe RDR2 writers are doing their best to evoke this past age of wonder and discovery (which btw is MIRED in theft and violence against indigenous populations). We play as Arthur in the East, after all -- not the West. The American 'East' is a non-entity, a land we all consider settled and the nest of civilization compared to the 'Wild West.' By making Arthur be an artist and frontier Renaissance Man, we are brought back to a time when the East was once thought of as a wilderness yet to be explored and tamed by colonization. It's a fantastic narrative device that seamlessly helps us forget prior preconceptions about where civilization is and how stable it must be.

To go back to Arthur, I have a feeling that once Dutch and Hosea taught Arthur to read, he pursued these interests in natural history on his own. As someone said in the reblogs to my post, he is a curious man, and curiosity is the prerequisite to intelligence imo. As a trained researcher and historian, I've always been told that the relentless pursuit of knowledge is what makes us great scholars. To find such a humble form of curiosity in Arthur is nothing short of amazing, so I get genuinely upset when people depict him as unintelligent or unable to pronounce big words when we're given such an intimate view of his hobbies and propensities.

#Arthur Morgan #RDR2 #Lia RDR2 meta #omg im so sorry i WENT OFF

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birdsareblooming · 3 years

Text

Merlina’s True Nature

(This is a re-write to a past theory, but I felt it was written poorly so I’m redoing it.)

(I’ll also be discussing major spoilers for the game.)

Sonic and the Black Knight has gained a lot of popularity recently, almost a cult following. Even before Lancelot and Excalibur Sonic were added to Sonic Forces: Speed Battle, it was gaining a strange resurgence in fan-made content. Although maybe I just follow @silvermun too closely. Either way! It’s in the public consciousness again.

It’s mainly popular for it’s story, it’s gameplay being famously weird, and it’s story is something I feel it has over Sonic and the Secret Rings. They did much more research into Arthurian lore than they had too, and because of that, we got an interesting world and variations of known characters with their own appeal.

Black Knight ranting aside, because of the resurgence a lot of eyes have been on Merlina the Wizard, an important character in the game.

I loved Merlina before it was cool, but this theory came when I was surrounded by content for her, reaching a realization about her true nature, even... truer (?) than the Dark Queen.

⬇️continued below ⬇️

Now let’s start with the usual, a numbered list.

1. Let’s discuss everyone’s counterparts.

This is important, I swear.

Shadow = Lancelot (Known as the most powerful one, raised in strange and magical circumstances, Hides his emotions but has his limits.) Knuckles = Gawain (Bold and brash, never turns down a challenge, but with a pure heart that keeps his word. Also “haha gawain and the green knight”) Blaze = Percival (Working with Silver/Gallahad to find a world-saving power. Royalty, powerful, and chivalrous.) Silver = Gallahad (Similar to Lancelot, but more pure. Working with Blaze/Percival to find a world saving power, and at the head of the search. Known for being pure, good, and kind.) Jet = Lamorak (Bold and daring rebel with a temper, constantly challenging Sonic/Arthur to friendly duels.) Amy = Nimue (Magically powerful woman connected to a lake ((See: Never Lake)), summons weapons.) Sonic = Arthur (Brings everyone together in a righteous cause, not perfect, but one of the best leaders and fighters ever known, came from small beginnings.)

As you can see, they did immense research on who would fit who, It’s almost amazing how similar the characters can get.

It got me thinking, Who’s Merlina’s counterpart?

Every other person in the game has one, the only one else who doesn’t (King Arthur) was a fake. And Caliburn, who’s a sword. (And if Caliburn did have a counterpart i’d be really hard to figure out bc apparently they were supposed to be a girl and the voice casters didn’t get the memo)

Merlina is an odd one out here, When surrounded by all the other Sonic characters. Secret Rings had a different precedent, only having three Sonic characters in it, not including Sonic, playing very minor roles. Meanwhile, Black Knight has seven, not including Sonic, most playing major roles. And this was made after the seering criticisms of Sonic 06 and the mass hatred of Elise.

So, let’s ask ourselves, if she IS someone, who would she be?

Well I think she IS someone. Similar to the list of people above, she has similarities to a Sonic character that I need to point out.

2. What do we know?

We don’t know a lot about Merlina, she’s not a talker, but what we know can reveal a lot.

She’s a powerful wizard, connected to ancient magic, trying to clean up her Grandfather Merlin’s mistakes of the past, even if it’s in a slightly evil way. Obsessed with death, with a deep fear and hatred of it and endings. Despite everything, means well and wants to keep everyone in the story alive.

Now, here’s the interesting part.

Think with me here, who in Modern!Sonic’s universe has a morally ambiguous Grandfather, who created a false version of a prophesied Sonic, Almost destroying the world, and eventually, attempting, and somewhat succeeding, in fixing his mistakes. Someone who also has a theme of short-lived life and stories ending.

I think at this point you know who I mean.

3. Connections

other than the above, here’s some other things connecting the two.

Firstly, the way they refer to their grandfather;

When talking about him to other’s, they use the “My Grandfather.”

But once it gets more personal;

it becomes just “Grandfather.”

Let’s also talk about design.

It’s more of a difference than the other characters, however it’s the usual for “medieval-ifying” it.

4. Conclusion

This has been a theory of mine for a while, and to finally get to explain it in an articulate way is nice.

There are a few loose ends, like if I was better at reading and finding and writing sheet music, I’d do a study to see if my hunch about “Merlina’s Theme” being similar to “Recollection of the Ark” is true or if they’re just both sad piano songs.

But in the end, Merlina’s story and character growth is her learning how to deal with death, and how everything dies someday, but that’s why we have to “live life” to the fullest.

Honestly, looking back at her character, her story becomes almost more satisfying with the idea that she’s Maria.

Also not to pull a “kimba” but their names are like, exactly the same like come on.

#theory #sonic theory #merlina the wizard #sonic the hedgehog #sonic and the black knight #satbk

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book-pirate · 2 years

Text

P&P Magic University AU for @crossedwithblue ;) Lizzie/Darcy as always

Lizzie’s Tuesday is going almost comically bad, she thinks, as she throws up an arm for a brief barrier of light before the explosion can singe her eyebrows off. She’s already got bright blue streaks through her hair that may or may not be permanent, depending on how potent Maria’s potion actually was. And before that she’d had an argument with Darcy in the staff meeting that ended with a verbal reprimand.

At least he had been verbally reprimanded, too.

And now she’s sighing as she fans the smoke out of her face, her newest canister for housing magical energy gone up, quite literally, in flames. Which is going to knock her findings back at least two months. “The nature of research,” she mutters.

A knock on the door interrupts her thoughts. “Professor Bennet?”

Quickly schooling her face into a warm smile, she looks up. “Yes, Maria?”

Maria’s cheeks turn pink. “I was wondering if your hair was still blue, but.”

Lizzie laughs at that. “Yes. I’m actually pretty impressed. Want to go over your processes with me? Maybe we can market this stuff.”

Maria gives her a delighted grin.

Once Lizzie is satisfied the blue will eventually fade from her hair and has assured Maria she won’t be failing the assignment, she makes sure the lights are off in her office, and brushes her fingers against her nameplate on her door. It’s a gesture she does at the end of every day, to remind herself that she’s where she wants to be. Teaching college-level potions can get tiring, but she does love playing mad scientist, and genuinely cares about her students. Plus, the teaching provides her a position for her research into renewable forms of magical energy and accessibility for nonmagical people, her current mission in life.

It’s a niche subject, to be sure, but she’s garnering more interest and rarely has to fight anyone other than Darcy over it these days. And even then his arguments are getting more nitpicky than anything.

“Professor Bennet.”

“Speak of the devil,” she murmurs to herself, before turning to meet Darcy’s expectant gaze. “What?”

His eyes flick up to the streaks of blue in her hair. “Lab accident?”

She sighs and starts walking down the hallway, shifting her bag on her shoulder. “Maria Lucas added eye of newt to her potion instead of the tail.”

“Huh.”

She waits a beat before prompting him, “What do you want?”

“I was wondering if you would mind meeting me this weekend, on Sunday, if you’re free.”

The offer stops her in her tracks. She turns sharply to look at him, his face unreadable. “What?”

“I was asking if you had time on Sunday -”

She waves her hand to interrupt him. “I heard you. What I meant was why?”

His brow furrows as he meets her gaze. “I need your help. You’re the most competent potions professor we have, and I have a project that requires a knowledge of the subject.”

It’s like her brain stops and restarts, and she flounders for words before deciding on, “But you don’t like me.”

An interesting blush blooms across his cheeks. “I don’t remember saying that.”

“I feel like it’s implied,” she says, before considering him. "What project?”

“I managed to get a copy of a first printing of Pantagruel’s Grimoire, and I thought it would be fun for my Intro to Renaissance Magic class if we recreated some of his potions.”

Her eyebrow raises. “And?”

He sighs. “Some of the ingredients he lists are either protected substances or no longer available to obtain, like dragon scales. I thought you could help figure out substitutions.”

“I mean, I could definitely help you out,” she says, slowly, turning it over in her mind, “but you know you could just Google substitutions, right?”

“Yes, but this sounds more fun.” He pauses, the hint of a smile forming. “Besides, I trust you more than the internet.”

It’s flattering to hear, though the statement does make her think she’s stepped into an alternate dimension. Before she can second guess herself, she starts walking back down the hallway. “I’ll see you Sunday at 2.”

* * * * *

Saturday passes too quickly for her, as she spends most of the day refreshing her memory on potions ingredients from the 15th century, cancelling her lunch with Charlotte in favor of pouring over her Encyclopedea of Majicks she hangs on to out of mostly sentimental reasons.

She’s as prepared for the potions as she’ll ever be on Sunday, though being prepared to knock on Darcy’s office door willingly is a different story. Still, she manages to force her knuckles against the wood. It opens almost immediately, as if Darcy’s been waiting on the other side.

He’s dressed more casually than she’s ever seen him, in jeans and a t-shirt for the university. The t-shirt is rather tight, and, not for the first time, she’s struck by how attractive he would be if he wasn’t the biggest pain in her ass.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” He smiles at her before stepping back so she can come in. “I almost thought you weren’t going to come.”

“I told you I would.” She looks around the office, notes the neat shelves of books that line the walls. “Your office looks almost exactly like what I pictured.”

“Which is?”

She snorts. “Tidy.”

He frowns. “I’ll take it as a compliment.”

“Sure.” She dumps her bag on one of the two chairs in front of his desk and slouches on the other, just to annoy him. “So, where do you want to start?”

He looks like he’s suppressing a grimace at her sprawl as he sits down behind his desk and pushes an extremely old-looking book towards her. “I marked the pages with what I thought would be the five easiest potions.”

She flips through the pages looking at the entirety of the book with interest before going back and looking at the potions he’s picked out. There are a lot of needlessly complicated spells she recognizes as having been streamlined through time, and potions that electronics and modern medicine have replaced, but it’s a snapshot of time that fascinates her. Idly, she wonders if Darcy will let her read the whole thing before he has to give it back to whatever institution he managed to talk into letting him borrow it in the first place.

“You weren’t kidding,” she murmurs, reading the list of ingredients to the last potion. “I think the only thing you aren’t going to have to substitute for this one is salt.”

“Doable, though, right?”

He sounds nervous, so she looks up to flash him a sunny smile. “Definitely. So, do you want to test these out in my room or head to the lab in Brighton Hall?”

“What?”

“We’re going to test these out, right? To make sure we’re not accidentally having the students create some sort of magical disaster.”

“Oh. I didn’t think about that.”

The set of his shoulders and clenching of his jaw strike her. “Fitzwilliam Darcy, are you scared?”

“No,” he says, stiffly.

She bursts out laughing. “Oh my God, you totally are. What, do you think I’m going to blow you up? I know we don’t get along, but I’m pretty sure if I murdered you they wouldn’t consider me for tenure.”

His posture doesn’t change. “It’s not you I’m worried about.”

Dots continue to connect in her mind. “Are you worried you’re the one that’s going to blow us up?”

“I passed potions.”

“I can’t believe I’ve finally found something perfect Darcy is bad at.”

“I never said I was perfect.”

His tone is off, and it forces her to stop and consider the situation. He looks distinctly uncomfortable, so she takes pity on him, since he technically extended the olive branch first. “Well, don’t worry. Potions is kind of my thing. Trust me.”

When he meets her gaze, his eyes are intense in a way she wasn’t expecting. “I do.”

They decide to copy down the recipes and leave the book in his office so it doesn’t get damaged. She underlines the ingredients she needs to figure out substitutions for, and she makes them go to her storeroom first. Most of the ingredients have standard substitutions, but there are a few that she’s going to have to guess at.

“Blood of the blue-backed buffalo is generally used as a substitution for the tears of Eros, but the blood makes a noxious gas when mixed with essence of Mercury, so we can’t do that.” She scans her shelves as she runs through the properties of tears of Eros. “Since the potion is supposed to dispel typhoid, I think the cleansing part of the tears is what he was after. Giant saliva could cover that, but it’d be too watery. So we might need to thicken it with wormwood.” She grabs the jars off the shelf and stuffs them in her bag, and then hands the leaves of wormwood to Darcy. “Make sure you don’t accidentally crush those. They need to be fresh when we add them.”

Darcy just nods and holds the plant gently, wisely guessing that his participation in her conversation with herself is unnecessary.

He turns out to be the perfect lab assistant, as he does what she wants without question, only asking her to clarify things when she gets too wrapped up in the mixing to realize she’s only speaking in half sentences, finishing or starting them in her head.

It’s fun, she realizes, as their efforts pay off with the first potion, a sweet-smelling concoction to ease headaches. A puff of periwinkle signals its completion, and she grins up at him. “Look at that!”

He laughs. “I’m surprised.”

“You doubted me?”

Not realizing she’s joking, he tries to backtrack. “Not at all, I just assumed -”

“Relax,” she tells him with a smile, “I’m just teasing.”

Hearing it seems to release the tension she didn’t realize he’d been holding. “I’m glad.”

He’s more talkative the more potions they do, opening up and telling her about his classes and apparent feud with Henry Dashwood.

“I thought you guys were friends,” she says, biting the inside of her cheek so he doesn’t see her smile.

Darcy makes a noise she’s never heard him make before, a cross between a snort and a scoff. “Henry Dashwood is an idiot, and if I could somehow write a paper about it just to cite in future works, I would.”

She laughs at that. “Have you met his wife, though? She’s somehow worse.”

“Perish the thought,” he says, dryly. “No, I’ve managed to escape that torture.”

“She came to the holiday party last year,” she explains. “I wanted to shove my fork in my eye.”

“It sounds like I’m not missing anything, then.”

She puts the knife she’s been using to chop up lacewing flies down to turn and look at him. “Yeah, you never come to any of the dinners or events. Why?”

He sets his own knife down and considers her. “Honestly, I find it a waste of time. I do attend the dinners where I think I can network successfully, but attending holiday parties and other things where it’s staff only seems unnecessary.”

It definitely stings in a way she wasn’t expecting. She probably should’ve given this is the first time in the entire two years they’ve known each other that they’ve gotten along, but it hurts. “So, you’re too good for it, huh?”

He must not catch the tone of her voice because he picks his knife back up and continues, “I mean, what use is it, really? I’m not going to learn anything new or meet anyone worth meeting. Case in point, Dashwood’s wife.”

“You know, we might just surprise you.” Her voice is even as she picks up the knife and finishes chopping. “We are your colleagues, after all. As in, on the same level professionally.”

Something must click, because he looks slightly horrified as he meets her gaze. “Elizabeth, I wasn’t talking about you.”

“It doesn’t matter if you meant me or not, because there are other professors here that happen to be great at their jobs, like Charles, and Jane, and Anne Elliot -”

“Wait -”

“And I know you don’t think well of me, anyway! You take every opportunity to knock me down in our staff meetings and left a pretty rude critique of my paper, actually, in the newsletter last month. Which you had absolutely no right to do, since you’re not even in Alchemy, you’re in fucking History!” She notices too late she’s sparking at the fingertips, her anger pushing past her consciousness and lighting the lacewings on fire. “Shit.”

Thankfully, lacewings aren’t particularly flammable, but it still takes about a minute to make sure nothing else caught fire and that the flames are, in fact, out. A minute of silence, as Darcy appears to not have any response for her rant.

She can’t find it in her to break it, so she sweeps the charred remains of the bugs into the trash, and dumps the beginnings of the fifth potion, a voice-changing one, down the sink. There’s no point in trying to salvage it, not with the lacewings ruined and the amount of time it’s been sitting. Almost on autopilot, she starts cleaning up the mess they’ve made as he stands there and stares at the floor.

“I’m sorry.”

His voice makes her fumble with the cauldron, and it’s only by luck that she doesn’t manage to drop it. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “You’re right.”

“What?”

He sighs. “I’ve been an asshole, and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve my critique when, in all honesty, I had trouble keeping up with your paper. You are very good at what you do, and I’m not used to feeling intellectually inadequate.” She can’t do anything but watch him with wide eyes, so he continues, “I’m hard on you during our meetings because I know you know what you’re doing, and I want to have you explain your thoughts, so I can understand better. I want to understand, because I like you.”

The room is spinning, so she clutches the cauldron closer and leans against the countertop. “I don’t -”

“It’s okay,” he interrupts. “Thanks for helping me today. Do you want help cleaning?”

“No, I’ve, uh,” she clears her throat, “I’ve got it.”

“Okay.” He gives her a smile, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “I’ll see you later.”

* * * * *

She feels like she’s living in a fog for the rest of the day, curling up on the couch once she gets home and staring into space as her demon of a cat, Felix, takes the opportunity to chew on her hair.

“Felix, stop that,” Jane scolds as she lets herself in. “Lizzie, what is going on? You missed dinner.”

“I don't know,” Lizzie answers, looking up at her sister. “I think I’m in an alternate reality.”

Jane brushes Lizzie’s hair out of her face as she crouches next to the couch. “What happened?”

“Fitzwilliam Darcy told me he likes me.”

“Oh, dear.” Jane presses her lips together tightly. “Well, what did you say?”

“Nothing.” Something connects in Lizzie’s brain. “Wait, why do you look like you’re about to laugh? Did you know? Did Charles tell you?”

Jane sighs. “Sweetheart, he didn’t tell me anything. It’s pretty obvious, the way he singles you out. I thought you knew.”

“No,” Lizzie grumbles and turns her face into the cushions. “I had no idea.”

Jane doesn’t say anything for a few moments and continues to idly stroke Lizzie’s hair. Eventually, however, she comments, “I know you two haven’t always seen eye to eye, but he’s a good man. If you tell him you’re not interested, he’ll leave you alone.”

Lizzie imagines telling Darcy she’s not interested, can picture the way his face will slip into a mask of indifference. He’ll pull away and leave her alone, which’ll be good for her sanity. It’s the smart option, the sane option.

And yet, she gets the feeling it’s not the one she wants.

“I’m going to sleep on it,” she says, looking up at Jane. “It can wait a day or two.”

“Not too long, dearest, otherwise you’ll be dragging it out.” Jane tugs a little on one of Lizzie’s curls. “Come on, let me make you some food. You’ll feel better.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

She does feel better, though, after she’s eaten and Jane’s put on a silly sitcom she doesn’t have to pay strict attention to. She uses the time to think about Darcy, instead, and how he’s always pushed her to be better and more articulate, even if for no other reason than to shut him up. She thinks about his laugh, and how their students never have a bad thing to say about him. She thinks about how willing he was to be wrong. She also thinks about how his arms looked in the t-shirt, if she’s being honest.

All in all, she finds herself nervous as she finds herself in front of his office door, Tuesday evening, after classes are done for the day. Before she can psych herself out, she knocks on the wood, hoping he’s not in.

“Come in.”

She exhales before swinging the door open slowly, meeting his eyes as he looks at her in confusion. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

There’s a beat of silence before she tries, “I wanted to -”

“You can -”

She stops, before trying again, “Sorry, I -”

“I just -”

Laughter bubbles up in her throat. “Can I come in?”

He smiles and gestures to the seat in front of him. “Please.”

She shuts the door behind her, and sits, examining the nameplate on his desk to avoid his gaze. “I wanted to talk about Sunday.”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” he tells her, quietly.

The smile is gone from his face when she looks up at him. “I do,” she says, “want to talk about it, I mean.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” She takes a calming breath. “I don’t really know if I like you or not, to be honest.” He winces, but she continues, “I think you can be kind of a stuck up jerk, and I’m not really into that. And I like our coworkers, with some exceptions, so I don’t really want to be with someone who looks down on them.”

He looks stricken. “Elizabeth -”

She cuts him off. “But I think you’re a good guy, overall, and if you’re willing to work on those two things, I’d like to try and go out with you.”

“Yes,” he says, immediately, “yes, I will work on both of those things. I promise.”

“Okay.” She can’t stop herself from grinning like a fool, but he looks the same, so she lets herself slide.

“Okay.”

They look at each other, smiling, for a few more moments before she asks, “So, when do you want to go out?”

“I haven’t had dinner yet. Are you hungry?”

She nods, unwilling to take her eyes off him, and how beautiful he looks when he smiles. “Yeah, let’s go.”

It’s new, and a little strange, but he opens the door for her and holds her hand as they walk down the hallway, and she finds herself liking it. A lot. He might be a little sharp around the edges, but -

She’s got a good feeling about it.

#lizzie x darcy #elizabeth bennet x fitzwilliam darcy #lizzie bennet x will darcy #pride and prejudice #pride and prejudice fic #pride and prejudice au #sofiewritesthings #anyway this took way too long and i hate the ending but whatever it's finished!!!!!#hope you like it via :)

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disturbedbydesign · 3 years

Text

Lie To Me - Chapter 5

Pairing: dark!Professor!Bucky x reader

Chapter 5 Word Count: 4.2K

Summary: After getting a spot in Professor Barnes’s coveted writing workshop, you start to form a close relationship with your handsome new teacher. But Bucky Barnes is not who he appears to be, and once he has you where he wants you, he’s not going to let you go.

Warnings (for complete work): noncon/rape, dubcon, sexual assault, daddy kink (not ddlg), voyeurism (hidden camera), blackmail, manipulation, age gap (reader is 21, Bucky is late 30s), student/teacher dynamic, physical violence, reader has history of physical and sexual abuse by a family member, mentions of domestic violence, mentions of campus rape, body image issues (reader has scars), ableism, smut/explicit sex (oral, vaginal, anal), unprotected sex (wrap it up, kids!), choking, biting, breeding.

A/N: Written for the @writing-in-the-dark-bingo challenge (bingo card at end of chapter). This one got away from me but there’s just something about creepy manipulative Professor Bucky that really does it for me. I apologize in advance for how messy this gets. Also, please heed warnings. This is a dark!fic and you are responsible for your own media consumption. 18+ only, no minors.

If you prefer to read on AO3, you can do so here.

Chapter Five

You should care that you got a B- on your Irish Lit paper but you don’t because your mind is swimming with thoughts of Bucky’s magic fingers and talented tongue. Besides, you’re hard at work on the next assignment for your workshop. Week 4 is all about fact-finding. Your interview with Zara (aka Jane Smith) earned you top marks, and now you have to dig a little deeper into the university’s mental health programs.

You’re good at research. You like research. It’s the whole “talking to strangers” thing that trips you up sometimes, but a few text conversations with Bucky have you feeling a bit more confident. You’re still nervous when you go to meet Maria Hill, the Dean of Students, but Bucky managed to gas you up a little that morning so you’re feeling ok about it.

It’s no secret that people in positions of authority do not appreciate being questioned by those they consider beneath them, but that’s really only because they are afraid—afraid of what might be uncovered, afraid of being held accountable, afraid of actual consequences for things they don’t believe to be their fault. Zara’s story is tragically common, both on your campus and on every other campus: she was assaulted while she was drunk at a frat party freshman year, fell into a serious depression and started self-medicating with booze and drugs, got busted by the school for underage drinking and put on probation, and was forced into mandatory drug and alcohol counseling.

The first of many problems here—and the one that most people don’t know—is that your school’s former head of student health services, Dr. Banner, is not an actual medical doctor. He was in charge of mental health services at the college but completely unqualified to assess a student’s mental health. He was also, inexplicably, the campus gynecologist. Of course, you would never have known this if you hadn’t been by Zara’s side throughout her whole ordeal. The two of you have been inseparable since the day you met at freshman orientation. You were there for her through the whole thing, including when her parents got so frustrated with how the school was handling their daughter’s case that they hired a private investigator.

When they found out about Banner, Zara’s parents took it to Dean Hill, who claimed to be completely unaware. She claimed Banner had faked credentials, blah blah blah, and basically offered to wipe Zara’s record and give her all As for her freshman-year courses (in addition to firing “Doctor” Banner, of course). Zara’s parents also wanted the guy who assaulted her held accountable, but apparently that was a bridge too far for the Dean, so they settled. If there was hush money involved, Zara doesn’t know about it. She would have told you if she did.

But even after the whole Banner fiasco, the school’s current mental health services are abysmal. Nine times out of ten, if a student goes for help, they are diagnosed with a drug and/or alcohol problem, put on probation, and forced into counseling with people who have no business being counselors. Everyone knows this, so no one asks for help. It’s a vicious cycle, and what you would like for the Dean to realize and acknowledge is the well-documented fact that substance abuse is a symptom of mental illness—an unhealthy and dangerous coping mechanism—and the school’s current approach does far more harm than good.

Of course, Dean Hill does not want to hear any of this from you. You don’t touch on Banner, because you promised Zara you wouldn’t (and according to the terms of her agreement with the school, you shouldn’t even know about it). You at least expect some acknowledgment of the fact that your actual medical facts regarding young adults with mental illness using drugs and alcohol to cope are true, because they are, but the Dean is far more interested in covering the school’s collective ass. She gives you nothing, and you leave absolutely furious.

It’s only 3pm but you head to the off-campus bar and shoot Bucky a text on the way.

Well that went terribly. I got nothing from her.

You expect a text back right away but it doesn’t come, so you plant yourself in a back booth, nurse a glass of shitty wine, and lick your wounds. You’re halfway through your second glass when he responds.

Can’t say I’m surprised but I’m proud of you for trying. How about I make you dinner tonight.

Uhhh you don’t know how to cook?

Yes, but I can order food and put it on plates and you can be a good girl and pretend like I cooked it for you.

Something about him calling you a good girl makes you instantly forget the shitty day you’ve just had.

What time?

8:30

Perfect :)

You leave the rest of your wine in the glass and leave a tip for the waitress. You’re halfway back to your dorm when your phone dings in your purse.

Feel free to bring an overnight bag if you wanna have a sleepover...

And you do. You really, really do.

📚

Bucky has a few hours to prepare for your arrival. You hadn’t explicitly confirmed that you’d be staying the night, but he knows that you will. After all, you would have happily let him fuck you stupid on his office couch, and you’d seemed surprised (but not offended) that he didn’t. It’s been a few days since you’ve seen him, and Bucky knows that by now you’re hungry for much more than dinner.

Bucky keeps his place spotless but he tidies up anyway, making extra sure to hide away any evidence that he is not who he appears to be. The cameras are all well hidden—no one who wasn’t specifically looking for them would ever find them —but he makes sure all his notebooks and files and dirty little keepsakes are locked away in his office cabinet. His laptop is password protected and there’s really no reason you’d need to use it, but he decides it’s best to lock that up too. But not before he watches the video of you splayed out on his office couch and dripping for him again.

He’s lost count of the number of times he’s watched it over the past few days. At this point, he has the whole thing committed to memory—every whine and cry and whimper and moan that comes out of you playing on a loop in his head. The only thing he’s missing is the look on your face when you cum, hidden by that goddamn pillow you’re screaming his name into. But tonight he’s going to see what you look like when you come undone. He edges himself at his desk before locking his laptop in the drawer and rubbing one out in the shower.

When he gets out of the bathroom, he sees a missed call from Steve and calls him back.

“Hey, buddy,” Steve says.

“What’s up, Rogers? How’d it go the other night?”

Steve laughs. “Just peachy, but I think you may have a problem.”

“Jesus, what now?”

“I think you need to lay off Sharon. You’re riding her too hard.”

“Isn’t that your job?” Bucky snarks.

“Yeah,” Steve replies, “and I’m doing it well, but she’s spooked, Buck. I don’t know what the fuck you did to her the other night but she’s fucking furious.”

“Oh, nothing. Just made her listen while I played with my new toy.”

Steve laughs. “You really are a sadistic bastard. Well, as much fun as I’m sure that was for you, you gotta ease up on her, man. She’s talking about transferring.”

“Well, we both know that’s not going to happen,” Bucky says, but he can’t help but worry a bit. Sharon is smart and incredibly resourceful. If anyone could find a way out, it’s her.

“Just be careful, Buck, alright?”

“Yeah, ok. I’ll put the kid gloves back on. Thanks for the heads up.”

“So,” Steve inquires, “how’s it going with your latest protégé?”

“Quite well. She’ll be here soon, actually, so I should go.”

“You fuck her yet?”

Bucky smiles. “Tonight.”

After he gets off the phone with Steve, Bucky takes out the steaks and seasons them with salt and pepper before letting them sit on the counter to come to room temperature. He wasn’t entirely lying when he’d said he doesn’t cook, but he knows how to grill up a steak and some veggies. You’ll appreciate him putting in the extra effort for you, and he wants you in an appreciative mood. Cooking for someone means providing for them and caring for them. Food is comfort; it’s even a love language to some. He has a feeling that homecooked meals were few and far between in your childhood, and he wants to make you feel at home with him. Because as far as Bucky is concerned, he is your home now, and he needs to make damn sure you don’t run away.

📚

You’d hoped to pack your bag and sneak away before Zara got back from dinner, but she caught you on your way out the door.

“Uhhh, excuse me ma’am,” she asks, “but where are you going with that bag in that dress and those boots?” The smirk on her face tells you she already knows.

“Please don’t,” you plead. “I have to go.”

“Go where?”

You sigh. “You know where.”

“Holy shit. You’re actually gonna do it. I’m so proud I could cry.”

“Please shut up and let me go, Z. I’m running late already.”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to make you late for your dick appointment.”

“I fucking hate you, you know that?”

“No you don’t,” she says. “You love me. But not as much as you LOOOOOVE him.”

“You’re actually the worst. Goodbye.” You shut the door behind you before she can tease you anymore.

It’s not like you weren’t going to tell her eventually, but for now you wanted to keep your secret. You hadn’t told her about what went down in Bucky’s office even though everything inside you was screaming at you to spill it. She’s your best friend. She tells you everything. It had felt almost like a betrayal, but you know it’s important that your extracurricular activities with Bucky remain a secret. He could get in serious trouble, and you’re not interested in getting a reputation. Besides, there is something incredibly appealing about the whole clandestine affair thing. Maybe you watch too many movies or read too many novels, but the idea of being Bucky’s dirty little secret really turns you on.

You decide to drive over to Bucky’s and park around the block because you don’t want anyone to see you walking across campus with an overnight bag—especially not while you’re wearing your tightest little black dress with the ¾ sleeves and sinfully deep V-neck, paired with the knee-high fuck-me boots you’ve never had the occassion to wear. You’re going for tastefully slutty, and you think you’ve nailed it. If the look on Zara’s face was any indication, Bucky will think so, too. You told yourself that the dress was too tight for underwear—that panty lines aren’t cute—but you know that’s not really why you’re going commando. You want to see the look on Bucky’s gorgeous chiseled face when he reaches under your skirt and finds there’s something missing.

You park your car and see a text from Bucky.

Door’s open. Come on up when you get here.

It’s for the best, because the idea of lingering on Bucky’s stoop waiting for him to come down is an unpleasant one that brings back memories best forgotten. You smile because you think that maybe he knows that and that’s why he’s left the door open for you—so that you don’t have to be scared, so that you feel safe.

When you get upstairs you can’t help the giggle that bursts out of you because Bucky is wearing an apron and chopping vegetables at the kitchen island and it’s maybe the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen in your entire life but also somehow the most adorable.

“Surprise,” he says.

“You’re cooking?”

“I can do maybe three things, and one of them is grilling.”

You look at the counter and there are two large and very expensive looking cuts of meat in a dish. You fucking love steak, but you’re going to love watching this man grill it even more.

“You didn’t have to do this, you know.”

“I wanted to.” He flashes you a little smile that you feel absolutely everywhere, and then you watch his eyes go wide as he takes in every inch of you. “Goddamn, baby.”

You smile, knowing you made the right choice. “Am I overdressed?”

“You’re fucking gorgeous is what you are. Come here.”

You round the island and he grabs you and pulls you into him. He gives you a deep, hungry kiss and fucking growls into your mouth before he pulls away.

“I might not make it to dinner,” he says, his hands travelling from your waist down to your ass and giving it a squeeze.

“But I’m staaaarving,” you whine, and you can feel how much he likes that.

“I’ll try to control myself,” he says, “but you’re incredibly distracting.”

“Sorry,” you lie. “Can I help with anything?”

“Absolutely not,” he says. “Just pour yourself a glass of wine or whatever you want to drink and come out back and watch me fuck up our dinner.”

📚

“Oh my God, Bucky, I can’t eat another bite. That was so good. Thank you.”

He smiles, watching you as you dab the corners of your pretty lips with a napkin. He’d done his best to make conversation over dinner but those boots of yours were making it hard for him to think straight. This was new for him—this out-of-control feeling. Usually he was cool, calm, and collected on the inside, biding his time until his next move, but you make him feel like he’s one step away from going absolutely feral.

But that’s not what tonight is for. Tonight, the task at hand is to make you feel cherished and adored. Tonight is about softness and tenderness. Whatever he may want to do to you—and there’s a lot he wants to do to you—will have to wait. If he plays his cards right, he won’t have to wait long.

“Let me clean up,” you offer. “It’s the least I can do.”

“Absolutely not. Leave it. You want another glass of wine?”

You put your hand over your glass and shake your head. “Better not. I think I embarrassed myself enough last time.”

“You’re a cute drunk,” he says. “A little bratty, and stubborn as hell, but cute.”

“Thanks, I guess?”

“You’re very welcome. Will you excuse me for a minute? Just need to run upstairs for a sec.”

“OK,” you say, but you’ve got an inquisitive look in your eye that tells him you know he’s up to something—which, of course, he is.

Bucky had decided that, even though you would probably find it incredibly cheesy, he was going to go with the whole rose petals and candles in the bedroom vibe. It makes him physically cringe to set the whole thing up, but he knows that you’ll laugh at him while secretly loving that he cared enough to take the time. The mood lighting is good, too, because you’re going to be self-conscious about your body. He’s counting on it, actually, but candlelight makes everything softer and more inviting.

Bucky hears you call his name and meets you at the bottom of the stairs, feigning nerves, but he’s surprised to find that he doesn’t have to try all that hard to fake it. It’s not that he’s actually nervous—he knows that you’ve been sopping wet and desperate for him for the past hour—but he doesn’t fully trust himself with you, at least not once he has you stripped down and begging for it. He has to take you apart slowly, not rip you to pieces.

“Bucky, what are you-”

When you enter the bedroom and see the scene he’s set for you, your whole face lights up. You laugh a little, because of course you do, but you apologize.

“Too much?” he asks.

“No. It’s lovely.”

He brings his flesh hand to your cheek and strokes it gently. “You’re lovely,” he says, and then he kisses you softly—just lips, no tongue.

When he moves his hand around to the zipper at the back of your dress, he feels your entire body stiffen and you pull away.

“Bucky, wait. I-”

This is Bucky’s make-or-break moment. He needs to choose his words wisely.

“Please don’t hide from me,” he pleads.

“I don’t want you to see,” you whimper. “They’re so ugly.”

He can see you trying to hold back tears, and he knows that one day you’ll cry for him, but now is not the time for that. He takes a step back from you.

“You’re not the only one with scars.” He takes his shirt off in one smooth motion and watches your eyes as they take in the gnarled tissue where his metal arm meets his flesh. “Look at me, sweetheart. I want you to see me.”

He sees your hand jerk up slightly but you pull it back.

“You can touch me. It’s ok.”

You close the distance between the two of you and reach up to finger the raised red marks running down his chest. Your touch is feather-light and so delicate that it makes Bucky’s whole body hum. He wants to grab you and throw you down and devour every inch of you, but he waits.

“Am I ugly to you?” he asks.

You whisper, “no,” and press your lips to his chest where the deepest scar sits. Bucky shudders when he feels your mouth on him.

“Let me see you, baby.”

You look up at him with your big, sweet eyes and nod before turning your back to him.

He takes your zipper down slowly, and when he’s done you shrug out of your dress and let it fall to the floor. He unhooks your bra and you toss it aside. Bucky can see the tension in your muscles as you stand there, completely exposed. It all fades when he wets his lips and kneels behind you, peppering kisses across your back, and when he drags his tongue across your deepest scar—the one that stretches from your left shoulder all the way down to your right flank, the one that must have hurt the most—you let out a deep, guttural moan.

“So beautiful,” he whispers against your skin, continuing to worship every inch of you with his lips and his tongue and his hands. Bucky is using every single ounce of control he has to remain gentle with you, but it’s hard when you’ve got both hands behind your back, grabbing at his hair and pulling him close to you, making little tiny mewling sounds with his every touch.

“Bucky,” you whisper.

“Tell me what you want, baby.”

“I want you.”

Bucky stands up and turns you around slowly, leaning down to slot his lips against yours. You slowly undo his belt buckle and reach inside, and when you take his cock in your hand, you have him gasping for air with a single touch. He looks into your eyes and sees the fear there.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“It’s… uh… it’s big.”

Bucky smiles at you gently. “I won’t hurt you,” he says. “I’ll never hurt you,” he lies. “Lay down.”

You lay on your back on the bed and spread your legs for him, and Bucky takes his time with you, getting you ready with his fingers and his tongue. His cock is so hard it’s actually painful, but he makes you cum twice before he even tries to put it near you. When you come down from your second orgasm, you’re absolutely dripping for him.

“You ready, sweetheart?” he asks.

“Yes,” you whisper. “But go slow, ok?”

“Whatever you need. And if you want me to stop, just tell me and I will,” he says, making a promise he hopes he can keep.

You nod and Bucky gets on his knees in front of you, his hands gentle on your hips as he pulls you closer to him. He knows you’re on the pill, and he’d wear a rubber if you’d asked him to, but you didn’t and he’s not about to offer. He runs his swollen head up and down your entrance, wetting himself just enough to get the tip inside. You cry out and grip the sheets when he enters you and you feel so fucking hot and tight around him that it takes everything in his power not to snap his hips and give you all of him. Instead, he pushes in so painfully slow that he thinks he might pop a vein from all the strength it takes to hold back. But he can’t hurt you, not now that he’s got you exactly where he wants you.

“You ok?” he whispers.

“Yeah,” you say. “Keep going.”

So he does—slow, shallow strokes at first, while he waits for your body to stretch and mold itself to fit him. Then, when you start to moan his name, he goes a little deeper, feels you getting wetter and pulling him in. You let go of the sheets and put your hands on his hips, pulling him closer and letting him know without words that you’re ready to take all of him, and when he bottoms out inside you, you curse and wrap your legs around his ass and hold him there.

Bucky stays still inside you, leaning down to cup your face in his hands and kiss you. “Doing so good, babygirl. You feel so fuckin good.”

“Fuck me,” you whisper. “Please.”

And he does, but not the way he really wants to. He’s moving faster and deeper now, but he’s working at about half strength. You’re not nearly ready for all he has to give you, but you’re certainly enjoying what he’s giving you now. And he’s giving you what he knows you need—softness and safety, whispered praise and body worship, a tender fuck that takes you apart slowly. He’s making love to you, or he would be, if Bucky Barnes was capable of love.

He knows you’re close when you dig your nails into the meat of his ass and arch your back.

“Fuck, Bucky, pleaaaaase,” you whine, and he has to bite his lip to keep from busting right then because you’re absolutely wrecked and writhing beneath him and you’re making that goddamn sound.

“That’s my good girl. Cum for me. That’s it. You can do it.”

You beg him, “Harder.”

“Yeah?” he asks.

“Harder.”

“Don’t wanna hurt you, baby.”

“Do it,” you say, “make it hurt,” and something inside Bucky snaps.

He angles your hips up to get all the way deep and fucks into you with no mercy. He can tell he’s hitting your sweet spot with every brutal thrust, and when he feels your walls start to pulse around him, he is laser-focused on your face, watching you cum and memorizing every single second of it. It’s all being recorded, of course, but he wants to experience every moment of it in the flesh. It’s a long one, and you’re fucking gushing and cursing and screaming the Lord’s name and his name and spewing forth all kinds of pornographic filth he hadn’t known you were capable of.

And then you say it—“Fuck me, Daddy. Fill me up.”—and Bucky absolutely loses it.

He grips your hips with a bruising pressure and cums with a feral growl so loud it burns his throat. When he’s done, he fucks his cum up into you with a few erratic thrusts before pulling out and holding your legs up.

“Push it out, babygirl. Lemme see it.”

You do as he asks and he watches in awe as his spend oozes out of you.

“Such a good girl for me,” he says, kissing up and down your thighs, “now let me get you cleaned up.”

The aftercare is crucial because Bucky knows how totally exposed you are now that the lust has been sated and you’re coming back to yourself. He wets a washcloth and gently wipes you clean as you lay there, still breathing heavy. He tosses it in the corner and snuggles up next to you, his flesh arm draped across your stomach.

“You ok? That got a little…”

“Intense,” you say, and then you look at him. Bucky looks for any glimmer of shame or regret or embarrassment in your eyes but there’s nothing there but a heavy-lidded satisfaction. “Good, though. Really good. Like, I’m not gonna be able to walk tomorrow good.”

Bucky laughs and kisses your forehead. “You can just stay here forever and I’ll wait on you hand and foot. You’ll never have to leave this bed.”

“I like the sound of that.”

Within minutes, you’re asleep in Bucky’s arms. He watches you for a while before his own exhaustion catches up with him. He carefully disentangles himself from you and pulls the blanket up over your body, kissing you on the forehead and whispering, “You’re home now, babygirl. Daddy’s got you.”

Chapter Six >>>

#bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes #sebastian stan #professor barnes au #dark!bucky barnes #dark!bucky x reader #dark!bucky x you #dark!fic #lie to me

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mostlysignssomeportents · 3 years

Text

Facebook thrives on criticism of "disinformation"

The mainstream critique of Facebook is surprisingly compatible with Facebook’s own narrative about its products. FB critics say that the company’s machine learning and data-gathering slides disinformation past users’ critical faculties, poisoning their minds.

Meanwhile, Facebook itself tells advertisers that it can use data and machine learning to slide past users’ critical faculties, convincing them to buy stuff.

In other words, the mainline of Facebook critics start from the presumption that FB is a really good product and that advertisers are definitely getting their money’s worth when they shower billions on the company.

Which is weird, because these same critics (rightfully) point out that Facebook lies all the time, about everything. It would be bizarre if the only time FB was telling the truth was when it was boasting about how valuable its ad-tech is.

Facebook has a conflicted relationship with this critique. I’m sure they’d rather not be characterized as a brainwashing system that turns good people into monsters, but not when the choice is between “brainwashers” and “con-artists selling garbage to credulous ad execs.”

As FB investor and board member Peter Thiel puts it: “I’d rather be seen as evil than incompetent.” In other words, the important word in “evil genius” is “genius,” not “evil.”

https://twitter.com/doctorow/status/1440312271511568393

The accord of tech critics and techbros gives rise to a curious hybrid, aptly named by Maria Farrell: the Prodigal Techbro.

A prodigal techbro is a self-styled wizard of machine-learning/surveillance mind control who has see the error of his ways.

https://crookedtimber.org/2020/09/23/story-ate-the-world-im-biting-back/

This high-tech sorcerer doesn’t disclaim his magical powers — rather, he pledges to use them for good, to fight the evil sorcerers who invented a mind-control ray to sell your nephew a fidget-spinner, then let Robert Mercer hijack it to turn your uncle into a Qanon racist.

There’s a great name for this critique, criticism that takes its subjects’ claims to genius at face value: criti-hype, coined by Lee Vinsel, describing a discourse that turns critics into “the professional concern trolls of technoculture.”

https://sts-news.medium.com/youre-doing-it-wrong-notes-on-criticism-and-technology-hype-18b08b4307e5

The thing is, Facebook really is terrible — but not because it uses machine learning to brainwash boomers into iodine-guzzling Qnuts. And likewise, there really is a problem with conspiratorial, racist, science-denying, epistemologically chaotic conspiratorialism.

Addressing that problem requires that we understand the direction of the causal arrow — that we understand whether Facebook is the cause or the effect of the crisis, and what role it plays.

“Facebook wizards turned boomers into orcs” is a comforting tale, in that it implies that we need merely to fix Facebook and the orcs will turn back into our cuddly grandparents and get their shots. The reality is a lot gnarlier and, sadly, less comforting.

There’s been a lot written about Facebook’s sell-job to advertisers, but less about the concern over “disinformation.” In a new, excellent longread for Harpers, Joe Bernstein makes the connection between the two:

https://harpers.org/archive/2021/09/bad-news-selling-the-story-of-disinformation/

Fundamentally: if we question whether Facebook ads work, we should also question whether the disinformation campaigns that run amok on the platform are any more effective.

Bernstein starts by reminding us of the ad industry’s one indisputable claim to persuasive powers: ad salespeople are really good at convincing ad buyers that ads work.

Think of department store magnate John Wanamaker’s lament that “Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don’t know which half.” Whoever convinced him that he was only wasting half his ad spend was a true virtuoso of the con.

As Tim Hwang documents brilliantly in his 2020 pamphlet “Subprime Attention Crisis,” ad-tech is even griftier than the traditional ad industry. Ad-tech companies charge advertisers for ads that are never served, or never rendered, or never seen.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/10/05/florida-man/#wannamakers-ghost

They rig ad auctions, fake their reach numbers, fake their conversions (they also lie to publishers about how much they’ve taken in for serving ads on their pages and short change them by millions).

Bernstein cites Hwang’s work, and says, essentially, shouldn’t this apply to “disinformation?”

If ads don’t work well, then maybe political ads don’t work well. And if regular ads are a swamp of fraudulently inflated reach numbers, wouldn’t that be true of political ads?

Bernstein talks about the history of ads as a political tool, starting with Eisenhower’s 1952 “Answers America” campaign, designed and executed at great expense by Madison Ave giants Ted Bates.

Hannah Arendt, whom no one can accuse of being soft on the consequences of propaganda, was skeptical of this kind of enterprise: “The psychological premise of human manipulability has become one of the chief wares that are sold on the market of common and learned opinion.”

The ad industry ran an ambitious campaign to give scientific credibility to its products. As Jacques Ellul wrote in 1962, propagandists were engaged in “the increasing attempt to control its use, measure its results, define its effects.”

Appropriating the jargon of behavioral scientists let ad execs “assert audiences, like workers in a Taylorized workplace, need not be persuaded through reason, but could be trained through repetition to adopt the new consumption habits desired by the sellers.” -Zoe Sherman

These “scientific ads” had their own criti-hype attackers, like Vance “Hidden Persuaders” Packard, who admitted that “researchers were sometimes prone to oversell themselves — or in a sense to exploit the exploiters.”

Packard cites Yale’s John Dollard, a scientific ad consultant, who accused his colleagues of promising advertisers “a mild form of omnipotence,” which was “well received.”

Today’s scientific persuaders aren’t in a much better place than Dollard or Packard. Despite all the talk of political disinformation’s reach, a 2017 study found “sharing articles from fake news domains was a rare activity” affecting <10% of users.

https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.aau4586

So, how harmful is this? One study estimates “if one fake news article were about as persuasive as one TV campaign ad, the fake news in our database would have changed vote shares by an amount on the order of hundredths of a percentage point.”

https://www.aeaweb.org/articles?id=10.1257/jep.31.2.211

Now, all that said, American politics certainly feel and act differently today than in years previous. The key question: “is social media creating new types of people, or simply revealing long-obscured types of people to a segment of the public unaccustomed to seeing them?”

After all, American politics has always had its “paranoid style,” and the American right has always had a sizable tendency towards unhinged conspiratorialism, from the John Birch Society to Goldwater Republicans.

Social media may not be making more of these yahoos, but rather, making them visible to the wider world, and to each other, allowing them to make common cause and mobilize their adherents (say, to carry tiki torches through Charlottesville in Nazi cosplay).

If that’s true, then elite calls to “fight disinformation” are unlikely to do much, except possibly inflaming things. If “disinformation” is really people finding each other (not infecting each other) labelling their posts as “disinformation” won’t change their minds.

Worse, plans like the Biden admin’s National Strategy for Countering Domestic Terrorism lump 1/6 insurrectionists in with anti-pipeline activists, racial justice campaigners, and animal rights groups.

Whatever new powers we hand over to fight disinformation will be felt most by people without deep-pocketed backers who’ll foot the bill for crack lawyers.

Here’s the key to Bernstein’s argument: “One reason to grant Silicon Valley’s assumptions about our mechanistic persuadability is that it prevents us from thinking too hard about the role we play in taking up and believing the things we want to believe. It turns a huge question about the nature of democracy in the digital age — what if the people believe crazy things, and now everyone knows it? — into a technocratic negotiation between tech companies, media companies, think tanks, and universities.”

I want to “Yes, and” that.

My 2020 book How To Destroy Surveillance Capitalism doesn’t dismiss the idea that conspiratorialism is on the rise, nor that tech companies are playing a key role in that rise — but without engaging in criti-hype.

https://onezero.medium.com/how-to-destroy-surveillance-capitalism-8135e6744d59

In my book, I propose that conspiratorialism isn’t a crisis of what people believe so much as how they arrive at their beliefs — it’s an “epistemological crisis.”

We live in a complex society plagued by high-stakes questions none of us can answer on our own.

Do vaccines work? Is oxycontin addictive? Should I wear a mask? Can we fight covid by sanitizing surfaces? Will distance ed make my kind an ignoramus? Should I fly in a 737 Max?

Even if you have the background to answer one of these questions, no one can answer all of them.

Instead, we have a process: neutral expert agencies use truth-seeking procedures to sort of competing claims, showing their work and recusing themselves when they have conflicts, and revising their conclusions in light of new evidence.

It’s pretty clear that this process is breaking down. As companies (led by the tech industry) merge with one another to form monopolies, they hijack their regulators and turn truth-seeking into an auction, where shareholder preferences trump evidence.

This perversion of truth has consequences — take the FDA’s willingness to accept the expensively manufactured evidence of Oxycontin’s safety, a corrupt act that kickstarted the opioid epidemic, which has killed 800,000 Americans to date.

If the best argument for vaccine safety and efficacy is “We used the same process and experts as pronounced judgement on Oxy” then it’s not unreasonable to be skeptical — especially if you’re still coping with the trauma of lost loved ones.

As Anna Merlan writes in her excellent Republic of Lies, conspiratorialism feeds on distrust and trauma, and we’ve got plenty of legitimate reasons to experience both.

https://memex.craphound.com/2019/09/21/republic-of-lies-the-rise-of-conspiratorial-thinking-and-the-actual-conspiracies-that-fuel-it/

Tech was an early adopter of monopolistic tactics — the Apple ][+ went on sale the same year Ronald Reagan hit the campaign trail, and the industry’s growth tracked perfectly with the dismantling of antitrust enforcement over the past 40 years.

What’s more, while tech may not persuade people, it is indisputably good at finding them. If you’re an advertiser looking for people who recently looked at fridge reviews, tech finds them for you. If you’re a boomer looking for your old high school chums, it’ll do that too.

Seen in that light, “online radicalization” stops looking like the result of mind control, instead showing itself to be a kind of homecoming — finding the people who share your interests, a common online experience we can all relate to.

I found out about Bernstein’s article from the Techdirt podcast, where he had a fascinating discussion with host Mike Masnick.

https://www.techdirt.com/articles/20210928/12593747652/techdirt-podcast-episode-299-misinformation-about-disinformation.shtml

Towards the end of that discussion, they talked about FB’s Project Amplify, in which the company tweaked its news algorithm to uprank positive stories about Facebook, including stories its own PR department wrote.

https://pluralistic.net/2021/09/22/kropotkin-graeber/#zuckerveganism

Project Amplify is part of a larger, aggressive image-control effort by the company, which has included shuttering internal transparency portals, providing bad data to researchers, and suing independent auditors who tracked its promises.

I’d always assumed that this truth-suppression and wanton fraud was about hiding how bad the platform’s disinformation problem was.

But listening to Masnick and Bernstein, I suddenly realized there was another explanation.

Maybe Facebook’s aggressive suppression of accurate assessments of disinformation on its platform are driven by a desire to hide how expensive (and profitable) political advertising it depends on is pretty useless.

Image: Anthony Quintano (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Mark_Zuckerberg_F8_2018_Keynote_(41793470192).jpg

Cryteria (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:HAL9000.svg

CC BY: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en

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thewhizzyhead · 3 years

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a non-filipino's guide to trese: ep 1

So some of my mutuals decided to check out Trese aka the Netflix adaptation of the Filipino horror comic book series that I keep rambling about here and then since well um most of my mutuals aren’t from the Philippines fshfs I decided to make a long-ass post that basically consists of me rambling about the cultural context present in Trese with fun little tidbits about Filipino folklore. I’m not an expert on Filipino mythology so um I just typed out the stuff that I know and the stuff that I looked up on Wikipedia so um take this with a grain of salt aaaaa I’ll save the extensive google scholar research ramble on folklore present in Trese for another day.

I’ll try to find the sites where I got some of the information from cause um yea I kinda had a bit of a hard time finding the other shit so um once again, take the stuff here with a grain of salt. Also, feel free to add more info if you guys got any!

SO ANYWAYS ENJOY ME RAMBLING ABOUT EPISODE 1 OF TRESE WOO

+ MRT and LRT (Manila Metro Rail Transit and Light Rail Transit) are train systems in NCR (the capital region) and yea them suddenly stopping and malfunctioning in the middle of the goddamn rail is a daily occurrence and we have been trying to deal with this bullshit for years but alas, corruption and negligence are sweet sweet drugs.

+ When the MRT broke down, you'd see a red bee in the flashing billboard right? Well that's Jollibee and that's probably the most well-known fast food restaurant chain here heck there are even branches of it abroad!

+ According to many youtube comments along with other social media posts that I am way too tired to link here, the opening theme is an Ifugao ethnic song called Balluha'd Bayyauhen but with modern accompaniments and I think the song is about a fruit called a balluha that the character in the song tries to it but cannot swallow. (someone please correct me if I’m wrong here fjkfs)

+ The first um monster that we see Alexandra interact with is the White Lady of Balete Drive. White Ladies or “Kaperosa” are a type of female ghosts typically dressed in ghostly white dresses or similar garments. According to legend, she died in a car accident while driving along Balete Drive (a two lane street formerly lined with Balete Trees which are said to be a home for spirits and mysterious creatures) in Quezon City while other accounts say she died waiting for the arrival of her lover; others also say that she was a teenage girl who was run over and killed by a taxi driver at night and then buried around a Balete tree while another variation of the tale claims that a student from the University of the Philippines was sexually assaulted and killed by a taxi driver nearby and so said ghost haunts the street in search of her murderer. There are many other variations but according to local rumor, the legend was fabricated by a reporter in 1953 in order to make an interesting story. What remains consistent in many variations is that apparently taxi drivers would be stopped by a beautiful lady asking for a ride and if one would look at the rear window, they would see that the white lady in question is bruised and drenched in blood.

+ There are a lot of mentions about "lakans" and stuff in reference to Alex and her father right? In precolonial times, the term is used to refer to the paramount ruler or the highest-ranking political authorities in Tagalog communities (so um NCR and some parts of Region 4). In Muslim communities, they are called sultans while communities with strong trade connecitons with Indonesia or Malaysia called them Rajah. Datu is umm the more generalized term though when it comes to discussing the leaders of the precolonial Filipinos.

+ So, Alex’s mom is a babaylan and back in the pre-colonial period, each barangay (which a native filipino term for a village or a district; said term is still used today to describe um divisions in municipalities like) had them and these are basically Philippine shamans and they specialized in communicating with the spirits of the dead. To my knowledge, the role of babaylan went to women and yea people assigned male at birth but then identified as female were also allowed to become babaylans and they would be treated with the same respect given to any woman back then (honestly I dunno much about lgbtq+ stuff back in the precolonial times but all I know is that precolonial Filipinos were much a lot more welcoming towards trans identities bUT THEN THE SPANIARDS CAME AND UM ERR RUINED THAT); also the writing Alexandra's mom did in that one scene with the dagger is in Baybayin - preHispanic Filipino script. I dunno what she wrote down though. .

+ Also I kinda find it funny that the people here esp those who were at the White Lady scene are um,,, not at all surprised? Like yea quite a number of filipinos have their own superstitions and beliefs and all that but um yea the people in Trese seem very used to the bullshit,,,which in retrospect, isn't at all inaccurate fsdfd I MEAN WE DEAL WITH UNSURMOUNTABLE AMOUNTS OF BS ON A DAILY BASIS SO I DON’T THINK DEAD GHOSTS WOULD EVEN FAZE MANY FSKJDS

+ The one that appears right before Alexandra talks with the duwende (the one in the manhole) is called Laman Lupa (which i guess translates to um "What is in the earth"? just um YEA THEY ARE DIRT CREATURES). normally this is an umbrella term for duwendes and nunos but in Trese they are servants of these aforementioned creatures.

+ Duwende (which came from the Spanish phrase "dueno de case" which means "owner of the house") or dwarves in Filipino folklore are known to be mischievous and magical environmental guardians. They are believed to reside in trees or under earth mounds (those that live in the latter are called nuno sa pundo or old man of the mount) which is why quite a lot of Filipinos say "tabi tabi po" or “excuse me” when wandering around a forest or earth mounds as a sign of respect and in the hopes the duwende won't torment them. If the person is friendly, the duwende can also be friendly in return and will bring that person good lucl; otherwise, those who destroy their homes by stepping on them will face their wrath in form of heartless curse and predictions of ominous and disastrous fates. A duwende's color also depends on their budhi or conscience: to my knowledge, white duwendes are kind, red ones give protection amulets, green ones are firnedly with children and the black ones give nothing but trouble.

+ Chocnut aka the snack Alex bribes the nuno with is a very yummy chocolate snack made of coconut milk, crushed peanuts and cocoa powder. They are umm about an inch in length and maybe half an inch in width so it's fairly small; that being said I WANT THE CHOCNUT THAT ALEXANDRA HAS CAUSE HOT DAMN THAT'S A BIG CHOCNUT

+ In Trese, the creatures in the MRT scene and in the warehouse Alexandra visits after she talks with the duwende are called "aswang". In Philippine folklore, it is an umbrella term for any kind of monster so um an aswang in Luzon would be very different from the aswang in Mindanao. According to what I saw on wikipedia, they can be classified in 5 categories: the vampire (self-explanatory um they drink blood), the viscera sucker (the manananggal, i'll get to that next time), the weredog (cats and pigs are also possible but um yea they target pregnant women), the witch (self-explanatory boom curses and stuff) and the ghoul (they gather near trees in cemeteries to feast on human corpses). Aswangs are often described to have a long, hollow tongue, sharp claws and sharp teeth, although they do also have human forms.

+ To my knowledge, Ibwa, the leader of the aswangs in the warehouse, is a creature from Tinguian or Itneg mythology (they, like the Ifugao, are an indigenous ethnic group in northwestern Luzon) though I could be wrong about this dksfsf Ibwa seems like an ethnic filipino term tho wah I can't remember where I once read that. But anyways, Ibwa often stalk sthe house of a dying person to steal its body. In order for the ibwa to NOT succeed in that, some people burn holes in the garments of the dead and put a sharp iron object on top of the grave since those are most powerful weapons against aswangs which is what Alexandra uses to subdue the Ibwa and kill all the other aswangs (the knife alex uses is named Sinag which means "ray of light".)

+ ALSO I AM SO SO GLAD THEY KEPT THE FILIPINO SWEARS IN THE ENGLISH DUB YES YES THIS IS A VERY GOOD JOB so lemme discuss the versatility of tangina-

+ Also umm Bossing is a nickname of Vic Sotto - one of the three pioneer hosts of Eat Bulaga! which is the longest running Philippine noontime variety show. Over time, most probably due to the show's popularity, the term "bossing" then became um slang for "boss" or "chief"

+ Translation of what Alex says when she's stirring the eye inside the cup: “In the eyes of others, secrets will reveal themselves.”

+ Sidenote: The English dub's pronunciation of many of the tagalog lines are um yea they r pretty good but they could use a bit of work but then again I'm really not that good in speaking in Tagalog so who am I to judge gkdkf sorry po guys conyo po ako-

+ Maria Makiling is arguably the most famous of all the diwatas (ancestral spirits, nature spirits, or deities) in Philippine Mythology; she is associated with Mount Makiling in Laguna as the guardian spirit of the mountain. Mount Makiling is said to resemble a profile of a woman and people associate the profile with Maria herself. She is also known as a goddess by the name of Dayang Masalanta and people would pray to her for safety and to stop storms and earthquakes. That's the goddess Alexandra's mother mentions right when she tells Alex to hide. (Translation to what she said there: Maria Makiling, goddess of the mountain, bless us.)

+ ALSO YEA THAT MAYOR IN THE MRT STATION IS UMMM RATHER REMINISCENT OF MAAAANY POLITICIANS AND PUBLIC SERVANTS HERE LIKE BELIEVE ME I CAN THINK OF SO MANY NAMES RN. THEY WOULD FLAUNT THEIR MACHISMO AND PROMISE THAT THEY THEMSELVES SHALL PUNISH THE PERPETRATORS HARSHLY BUT IN THE END THEY DONT MEAN SHIT AND ARE IN OFFICE TO SERVE ONLY THEMSELVES AND TO SHIT ON THE REST ESP THOSE OF THE POORER SECTORS AND *NOTHING IS DONE ABOUT IT*. WE LIVE IN HELL OKAY. also hmm how the police are represented here is umm,,,interesting,,, like i know there are sOME good police officers like the ones alexandra assists but like,,,our current sociopolitical climate + the many cases showcasing the corruption in the police force + tHE SHEER AMOUNT OF POLICE BRUTALITY HERE would ummm beg to differ. but um anyways-

+ Also Mang Inasal posters can be seen in the MRT station backdrops and um it’s a very famous restaurant chain here and they serve lots of barbecue and other filipino stuffs and i miss them a lot God their halo halo is very yummy

+ Santelmo - oki so this is the fire face thingy that Alexandra summons inside the ruined train. This is the shortened version of the term "Apoy ni Santa Elmo" or "St. Elmo's Fire" - this is a weather phenomenon wherein plasma is created from an electrical discharge from a rod like object in an atmospheric electric field. This phenomenon was used to warn of imminent lightning strikes or storms (there is a chapter in Noli Me Tangere where Pilosopo Tasyo talks about that bUT I'LL SAVE THE NOLI ME TANGERE RAMBLES FOR ANOTHER DAY). But according to Philippine folklore, santelmos - which are said to be souls of people lost as sea - are balls of fire that appear where accidents or big arguments happen. In Trese, santelmos (alex's santelmo being "The Great Spirit of the Binondo Fire") can be called to assist in supernatural investigations

+ Translation of what Alex says when she draws the circles to meet with the purple ghosts: "Souls, where are you off to? I'll be entering too, so please open the door."

+ Remember the scene at the train with all the purple ghosts and the woman in a veil? Yea the woman is an emissary of a goddess named Ibu and she is the Manobo (again, another indigenous ethnic group but this time they're from Mindanao; fun fact we have around 134 ethnic groups) goddess of deceased mortals and the queen of the underworld; she also serves as a psychopomp and guides the newly deceased souls to the other side (having an MRT be the ride to the underworld isn’t in the legends tho so fkkjsf)

+ The aswang in the top hat is called Xa Mul and according to the Isneg/Apayao people (yay another ethnic group but this time in northern Luzon - the Cordillera regions to be specific), they are an evil spirit known to swallow people whole.

+ Alex has two henchmen right? Yea they are named Crispin and Basillio and No I still don’t know who’s who and I'm really sorry about that fsfjs so anyways the names Crispin and Basillio are actually those of two brothers featured in the Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo novels (Crispin is younger and Basilio is older) which are basically the national novels here cause um yea written by national hero Jose Rizal as sociopolitical commentary about the Spanish regime here. I don't know if I want to spoil this cause I kinda want other people to read the novel too fskfs BUT ALL IN ALL, ONE OF THEM DIES IN LIKE THE 10TH OR 11TH CHAPTER OF NOLI ME TANGERE (and the novel has 64 chapters btw) AND UM YEA-

+ OKI SO TO ADD MORE CONTEXT TO THE SQUATTER STUFFS MENTIONED IN TRESE (we r gonna use the tiny font here because holy shit this rant is long): So,in the Philippines, especially in the capital region, there are lots of slum areas called squatters. These are dense urban settlements made of compact makeshift housing units that aren't really officially recognized by the government. This is um very reflective of the poverty situation here and there are maaany factors that come into play here and if i were to go into depth about this topic, that rant would probably turn into an academic paper so for the sake of brevity, let's just say that Things Are Fucked Up Here. Oftentimes the poorer sectors are being ignored and left to their own devices despite tons of campaign promises to make things better and easier for them. The communities that live here are incredibly vulnerable to floods, fires, and the like and afaik no concrete solutions have been in effect to protect these people and their settlements. There have also been many times where squatter areas are dismantled or demolished despite protests of people living in those areas and yea I understand the need to make space and the need for renovation but the people should still be offered some sort of temporary settlement or financial compensation thingy that doESN'T fuck them over but alas, we have an anti-poor government. That being said, I really like Trese Ep 1's portrayal of governmental negligence, but I also have some thoughts, especially in regards to the mayor being arrested THAT FAST which um believe me, NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS BECAUSE MANY MAYORS AND A LOT OF POLITICIANS HAVE THE POLICE IN THEIR POCKETS SO UM ERR YEA JUSTICE IS RARELY A THING HERE BUT UM ANYWAYS YEA THE GOVERNMENT LIKES TO SHIT ON THE POOR WOO LET'S SAVE THE USE OF SOCIOLOGICAL LENS ON THIS MATTER FOR ANOTHER DAY

+ The news channel reporting the arrest of the mayor is ABC-ZNN WHICH IS AN OBVIOUS REFERENCE TO ABSCBN aka the top media conglomerate here (that has been fucked over by the government so many times to the point that they had to shut down operations last year which is all sorts of unfair so seeing them being referenced here kinda made me happy gksfks)

#HI PATROC I HAVE A GIFT #IT'S A VERY LONG AND CONVOLUTED GIFT #BUT IT'S A GIFT #I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THIS #this is literally 2813 words long AND IT TOOK ME 12 HOURS TO TYPE THIS OUT OH GOD #AND THIS IS JUST EP 1 #here's to hoping the following eps are gonna be much easier for me to like ramble about considering that i explained quite a lot here gfsfs #please do take this ramble with a grain of salt tho cause obviously I am not a mythology expert so um feel free to add more info!#i'd really love to see more info about trese so yay!#trese #trese netflix #alexandra trese #trese spoilers #ask to tag

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