Woo! It´s been a long while. I´ve been a bit busy, and a little burnt out. But I´m back. This is a personal piece I made for the folks with church trauma. I can´t resist a good priest fic.

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Johnny Knoxville x fem!reader nsfw

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Faith

Being a faithful churchgoer felt like your life purpose. Raised and born to the church. You had grown for years to study faith, and be obedient to whatever head ran the church. It was a little past your nineteenth birthday. You had taken a fondness for the priest over the years, though you fully knew it was wrong.

You ignored these feelings since you were merely a young teen. Though progressively harder over the years. Father Knoxville was the most temptation you had ever experienced. Taught that temptation and lust were horribly sinful.

You mustered the courage one morning to attend a Sunday confession. Dressed simply in black slacks and a plain t-shirt. Opening the wooden caged door, you let out a sharp breath. You carefully nestled your knee’s into the pillow. Hanging your head by the metal grate.

You squeezed your eyes closed and thought hard. Confessing these feelings would be for the greater good. Wouldn’t they? Examining the woodwork of the booth, you debated your thoughts. You took in a deep breath. “Bless me, father. For I have sinned.” You finally mustered.

A moment of silence before a response. “When was the last time you confessed my sweet child.” He whispered through the grate. You shivered. You had never confessed before. You were always terrified. “This is my first confession father.” You admitted. A click of his tongue was heard.

“No worries. What must you confess sweetheart.” Johnny said softly through the metal holes. He was no ordinary priest. He was a dirty man. Willing to sleep with anyone who had given him the chance. He was never faulted, possibly never even caught.

You were soon to fall victim to his cunning sweet words. Shy and sweet, lustful for something different and exciting. You sighed. Hooking your fingers through the grate, you spoke. “I’ve been having these thoughts. Thoughts of… You touching me. Making me feel good. I know it’s wrong… but they always creep back.”

You paused a moment, thinking of choosing your next words. “I’ve never intended on acting on these thoughts. They just make me feel wrong.” You said loosening your grip on the grate holes. A small chuckle rang through the box. “Oh don’t you worry. These thoughts are completely normal doll. Even I myself. Have these desires. It’s just the way the human body works.” He said gently.

This made you feel so much better. He was so understanding and nurturing to you. On the other half of the great, he wore a smile. His pants tight and warm hearing of this. “Thank you, father. I-” Before you could finish, he cut you off with an offer.

“How about you come out and read some scripture with me? Hm? Make yourself feel a little bit more comfortable.” He said with an inviting tone. You nodded your head to yourself in agreement. “Yeah.. Okay.” You said getting off of your knees. You heard the other end of the door open.

A silver-haired man ducked out of the door and stood tall. Buttoned down in his black cassock, he fixed his collar. You kneeled out of the door, being greeted face-to-face by the priest. He presented a warm lovely smile. You smiled back nervously but bowed your head.

He reached a hand out, and you took it. His hand was ice cold but felt comforting. He began to lead you to the room of mass. As you two walked, he spoke gentle warming words to you. “You know. I never see you a whole lot? Are you shy?” He asked smiling.

You gave a small smile. “Yeah.. I’m sorry. Larger crowds make me nervous, but I’ve always really looked up to you father.” You said squeezing his hand for comfort. He squeezed back. “That’s okay. You’re my quiet little church mouse.” He said letting go of your hand and opening one of the two double doors.

Leading you into a room you had seen dozens of times. Rows of wooden benches, neatly placed with their bibles. Stained glass lets light seep through the windows. Sheek white carpet beneath your feet. Your family raised you in the church, so you knew the ins and out’s like veins.

There was really no one in the church yet. You were always dragged unbelievably early since your parents had family friends here. You both walked down the center aisle. The room was so incredibly quiet, you could hear your uneasy breathing.

Staring at the back of Father Knoxville’s suit, you felt a nervous pit growing in your stomach. Sure you had confessed, but the feeling still lyed at your core. Once you two reached the front, you stepped up to the familiar wood stand. The leather bible with the golden letter’s shining at your eyes.

He stepped beside you and flipped through the book. Finding an aged page, and pointing out the words. “How about you read this to me.” He said stepping behind you. Your body shivered, as you felt him press against your back.

He loomed over you as you scanned the page. The wood stand you stood over, was only a couple inches below you. Looking down at the scripture, you attempted to read it. “Corinthians 10:13.. No temptation has..” As you began to speak, his arms caged you beneath him. Each hand on either side of the stand.

“No worries. Just trying to see a bit better.” He reassured you. His head leaned over your shoulder, and his body pressed against you. You took in a sharp inhale. Your body was screaming for attention, though your mind yelled at you for feeling such a way.

You began to read again. “Has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability-” As you read, you felt him press against your ass. You could start to feel the warmth of his pants against you.

You tried your best to ignore it, trying to keep yourself from being sidetracked. “But with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it…” You finished the verse, with your breathing hitched. He pressed hard against you. You both stood silent.

“Father?” You muttered. “Hm?” He said pretending to be dazed. You shifted yourself, partially caged in by his arms. You press your back end against him. The scripture you just read meant nothing to you, you hoped, even prayed he’d take you where you two stood.

“Not so shy now are you?” He said with a light chuckle. You let out a sharp exhale. Your face was red and your vision was blurry. His hands were brought up from the stand, up to your shoulders. His hands were massive compared to your build.

You wanted to form words but your brain was drawing blanks. He leaned down, leaving a soft kiss against the side of your neck. He pulled back loosening his grip on your shoulders.

“What do you want church mouse? Do you need help feeling good? Do you want to act on those thoughts?” He said pressing questions. You were conflicted, but the yearning urge was becoming undeniable. You answered with a short response.

“I’ve never done anything like this before.” You muttered. Still somewhat beneath him. He clicked his tongue, easing his weight off of you. “That’s okay sweetheart. I’m here to help you.” He said stepping about two feet back. Admiring your figure.

You nodded your head in agreement, honestly still fearful. What if you two were caught? Was it wrong? Would it be forgivable this time? Those thoughts started to leave you, the more you thought about him touching your body. Knoxville scanned the room for a moment, looking for something.

“Ah!” He said walking into a corner of backstage. “Come here, sweetie.” He said calling from some corner of the room. You slowly made your way over, stopping where he stood. A wooden desk and a rolling chair were placed neatly.

You glanced at him, and he smiles. “Here. Let’s start by getting those clothes off ya.” He said in his sweet southern accent. This was real. Your body was heating up rapidly, yet you were dead silent. He stood face to face with you and left a soft kiss on your forehead.

He grabbed the bottom of your shirt and pulled it over your head. Revealing your plain bra. You shivered as took it off. He leaned down and kissed the top of both your breasts. He unbuttoned your black jeans with his lanky fingers.

You watched quietly. He bent down and untied your sneakers. Pulling them off and setting them aside. He brought himself back up and tugged down your jeans. You stepped out of them and kicked them away. There you stood in front of someone you deeply admired in just your bra, socks, and underwear.

You felt vulnerable and warm. His cold hands grabbed at your waist. Pulling you into his chest. You instinctively wrapped your arms around him for a hug, and he felt around your body. His hands slide around your back. Making his way down to your ass. Squeezing it, and giving it a hard slap. You listened to his rapid heartbeat and felt almost at peace.

He pulled you away from his chest and kissed your lips gently. The gentle kisses turned into an intense passion. He backed you against the desk, and his tongue infiltrated your mouth. The two of you tugging and pulling at one another.

Fully clothed you tried to feel his body. Slipping your hands beneath his layers of clothes. He pulled back a moment to take a peek at his watch. “Shit.” He mumbled. “It’s almost time for prayer. We’ll need to make this quick. I promise I’ll show you more after baby girl. For now. I’m going to make you feel nice and special. I wanna feel your quivering legs squeeze around me.” He said with a wide grin.

You were flustered, standing awkwardly. “Sit down.” He said grabbing you by the arm and leading you into the spinning leather chair. You sat in the leather chair, closing your legs tightly together. He shook his head and leaned down. Getting onto his knees. You looked down at him in confusion. His hands pried apart your thighs. Exposing your soaked underwear.

He hummed in satisfaction, hooking his fingers into them, he pulled them down. You lifted yourself up a small bit, and they slid down with ease. He pulled them off your ankles and dropped them to the ground. There he sat before you. His dress shoes dug into the wooden floor.

“I’m going to eat out your pretty little pussy. Is that okay with you sweetheart? Your pussy seems to be begging for me.” He said locking eyes with yours. You nodded your head, though that didn’t satisfy him. “Use your words. I know I’ll hear you soon.” He said with a sweet smile. “May I please your pussy baby?” He asked politely.

“Yes, father.” You said, your legs shaking out of anxiety, and anticipation. He gave a wide grin, before grabbing your legs. He pulled you as close as he possibly could. Gently placing your legs on his shoulders. You were angled lower in the chair now. His face just inches from your heat. You could feel his rapid breath on you.

“If you need something to grab onto, don’t worry about messing up my hair cutie.” He said leaning into you. His tongue grazed your clit. You were immediately filled with wet warmth. You held your breath as sweetly explored you. You had never felt this sensation before.

It was nothing like you had ever done to yourself. His hands reached around and grabbed your thighs. His pale hands squeezed as he suckled. If didn’t have such a tight grip you would’ve been shaking out of the chair. You couldn’t contain yourself. Trying to bight on your lip, it did no good.

You were filling the prayer room with lewd moans, and the sounds of your wet pussy. His pace was steady, yet fast. Hard for your head to keep up with. He went in every which direction. Licking stripes up and down, then sucking on your clit. Moving back to circling your wetness.

When you could finally take it no longer, you entangled your hands in his silver hair. Tightly you pulled, using your other hand to squeeze the arm of the chair. In moments of your bliss, you heard the dreadful sound of the large wooden double doors opening. This made him smile, working harder at you.

Though you were horrified, immediately removing your grounding hand from the chair. Covering your mouth to suppress your moans. Knoxville only made himself louder. Humming as he ran his tongue through the mess he made. You started to shake, squirming as you reached your climax. You removed your hand and bit down on it. A death grip in his hair.

As you felt the release, you arched, and nearly flipped the chair back. Lucky to have been grounded on his shoulders. You heard voices as your clarity faded back in, and immediately remembered there were people in the room. Knoxville spread your legs apart and softly planted them to the ground.

He gathered your garments, and you followed. ¨Father my clothes!¨ You almost shouted. He shook his head. ¨I´m not done with you just yet. You´re coming to my office.¨

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Strawberries and Art 5

Jihoon x Y/N

Genre: College AU, Fluff Word Count: 5k Summary: Like every passionate art student, you spent most of your time immersed in your drawings and paintings. The day you meet Jihoon, your everyday life suddenly gets a lot more exciting…

All chapters: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

Chapter 5

When Jihoon was younger he didn´t think teachers existed outside of school. It wasn´t a conscious thought, he just never took into consideration that teachers didn´t cease to exist whenever the bell rang. It had seemed as if his teachers simply started to be around whenever he entered a classroom. And as he sat there in his music class, having given up paying attention a while ago, he realized that he thought about you in the exact same way. You had so suddenly entered his life, he was having a hard time accepting that you actually were a real living human being.

Jihoon had never been much of a romantic. He had always thought of romance as a construct made up by the entertainment industry. He didn´t think badly of it, he just doubted that the kind of romance they portray in movies and books even existed. He didn´t long for it either. He had always been a realist. Love would come, or it wouldn´t. And suddenly there were you. You were just there, like you had just started existing. And he didn´t know if it was love. He didn´t even think about the word “love”. He hadn´t even wrapped his head around the fact that he maybe, only maybe might have a teeny tiny little crush on you. He just knew that he liked you. Really liked you. Talking to you was so easy and made him feel so light, in the most perfect way possible.

At lunch Jihoon sat with Hansol, who had grown a bit annoyed with him being zoned out. “Dude. What´s going on? I´m bored. Talk to me.” “I´m sorry.” Jihoon grumbled not even looking up from his plate to look at his friend. “Didn´t the date go well yesterday?” Only now Jihoon´s eyes met Hansol´s. “No. It went perfect.” “So?” “What so?” “Why aren´t you super happy?” Jihoon let out a small sigh. “I am. I´m just confused.” “What? How can you be confused about a perfect date?” “I´ve only known her for a few days and I think I already like her. It doesn´t make sense.” Hansol let out a hearty laugh. “Hey, it does make sense. It makes a lot of sense actually…you know when I met Jo I knew she would annoy the shit out of me. And holy shit she does, I swear if she talks one more time about that superhero guy with that metal arm…Beefy Barnett or whatever he´s called…I´ll have to kill her.” Anyone would´ve been able to read the loving smile that had formed on Hansol´s face, as much as he pretended to be annoyed by Jo he just couldn´t hide his fondness. “Anyways the point I was trying to make is that I knew she would be a pain in the ass but I also knew I liked her. I´m not saying it´s always like that or it has to be like that but I´m saying that yes it does make sense.” “Bucky Barnes.” Jihoon grinned. “What?” “That superhero guy. His name is Bucky Barnes.” “Oh my god. Not you too.”

It had been nice seeing Jihoon in the morning, even if it had only been for about 2.5 seconds. And even if you probably wouldn’t have liked to admit it, those 2.5 seconds were the only reason you had survived your morning classes. And that really says something because you even skipped art history which you admittedly did feel sort of bad about. The professor was always so disappointed seeing only so few students sitting in her class. That´s why you normally tried not to miss her classes but you just haven´t been able to get yourself to move out of bed this early today.  

You were on your way to the cafeteria when you realized it was Tuesday, which meant Jo didn´t have classes today. You groaned, knowing you would probably have to eat your lunch alone. You didn´t like eating alone in public. The exposedness of the situation, the feeling of being watched, yeah you could definitely pass on that one.

Jihoon´s eyes lit up when he saw you. You were standing next to the door that led to the cafeteria, the very same door he was about to walk through. As you looked down at your feet while letting some other students pass in front of him, he realized you hadn´t noticed him yet. “Hi.” He smiled. You looked up and for a tiny moment Jihoon thought he had seen your eyes sparkle when you recognized it was him. “Hi.” “You come here often?” Jihoon asked, his voice comically serious. “Oh my god,” you sighed. “That was really bad.” you weren´t able to hide the grin that had spread on your face.   “I´m sorry I´m sorry,” he held up his hands defensively, also smiling, “anyways…are you my homework?” “What?” the look of confusion on your face was priceless. “You definitely look like my homework…cause I´m not doing you when I should.” He winked. Your eyes widened at the realization of what he had just said - god you really were so innocent- and then you laughed. “That was even worse, Jihoon!” “You´re mean.” He pouted. “Also you don´t even need those bad pickup lines.” You giggled. “Oh?” he raised his eyebrows, a smug grin plastered on his face. “I don´t?” Immediately your mind wandered off to yesterday when he had buried his face in your pussy, giving you all those sickeningly sweet jolts of pleasure. “No. I don´t think you need those.” “And why is that, sweetie?” Your face had turned bright pink and you didn´t know what to answer. Why the fuck did he always have to tease you?? Your entire body had been filled with intrusive warmth and for a few seconds you were physically unable to say anything. You just felt so small under his gaze, his presence was overwhelming. “I mean…I already gave you a drawing of a hedgehog…that basically bonds us for life.” You stuttered. “Does it now?” Jihoon let out a hearty laugh “You really are so innocent aren´t you?” “I´m not innocent at all!” you tried to seem offended.   “You sure?” “Yes!” Raising his eyebrows again he responded: “Guess I´ll just have to find out huh?” When he saw you were getting flustered again he had mercy and changed the topic “No but seriously, thanks for the drawing. I know it’s simple but it‘s the most adorable thing. I love it.” “I‘m glad you like it.” You smiled softly. “Of course. Also you drawing that for me is one of the cutest things…”He didn‘t get to finish the sentence he had started because you had grabbed his jacket and had pulled him so that he was now standing in front of you, your back facing the wall. “Oh my god. I´m sorry but you have to hide me real quick.” Jihoon didn´t know what was going on but he could see the freaked out look on your face, so he leaned in closer as to shield you.  “I‘m so so sorry.” You let out a breathy giggle, still holding him by his jacket. “But behind you my art history professor just passed and I skipped her class today and I really didn´t want her to see me and I panicked and…” you let go of his jacket. “I´m sorry.”

Jihoon didn´t say anything for a moment, he was still processing what had just happened. But then a huge grin spread on his face. “You know, if you really wanted to be closer to me this bad you could´ve just asked.” “I swear it really was because of my professor.” You said trying to get yourself out of this awkward situation. Your heart was beating so so so fast. “So you don´t even wanna be close to me?” he asked and only now you realized how small the distance still was between your bodies. He was standing so close you could´ve counted all of his eyelashes. “I..that´s not what I meant.” You averted your gaze to the floor, not being able to keep looking into his eyes. “Look at me.” Surprised by his words you pulled up your view again. “You’re cute.“ Your cheeks flushed red and your mouth slightly agape you looked at him. He was smirking at you, knowing oh so well what effect he had on you. “And you’re mean.” You finally replied. He raised his eyebrows, grin still plastered on his face. “Mean? That’s not exactly what I would call a person who made me cum just yesterday.” “I…” Jihoon couldn’t help but laugh at your shocked face. “You sure you aren’t innocent, sweetie?” “I…” you buried your face in your hands “You really can’t stop teasing me, can you?” you finally muttered under your breath, voice way too quiet to sound confident. 

And then Jihoon took your face in his hand, his thumb caressing your cheek lightly. “Can you blame me? You really look so pretty when you blush.” He was smiling but his voice sounded so serious. “Haven’t we had this talk already?”, you giggled. “We most definitely have.” “Jihoon, you’re horrible.” “Y\N, you’re wonderful.” “You’re cheesy.” “You’re pretty.” “You need to stop.” You grinned. “And you need to accompany me to that party the music institute is having tomorrow.” “What’s in it for me?” You crossed your arms over your chest and acted as if you were actually thinking about saying no. “I’ll buy you a drink and you’ll get to spend some quality time with me, your local handsome music student who apparently is really good at eating pussy or so I’ve heard…” You slowly shook your head at his boldness, the smile never having left your face. “I’d absolutely love that.” You said. “I know.” He winked. “I’ll text you the details later. I’m already late to class.” “Oh my god, sorry I didn’t know you had class.” He smiled and then he leaned in and gave you a soft kiss on the cheek. “Being late for class because of a pretty girl? Totally worth it.” He smiled. “See you tomorrow!”

You hadn‘t managed to fully comprehend that you would be going to a party with Jihoon the next day, not until you got home in the afternoon and sank down onto your sofa. A smile spread itself across your face when you thought of how he had sounded so genuinely hopeful that you would say yes. You were so incredibly attracted to him, in definitely more ways than one, you hadn‘t even thought of saying no. You would‘t call yourself especially insecure or self conscious but you couldn‘t deny having some trouble realizing that this unearthly being of a man was actually attracted to you. It didn‘t make sense, he was this beautiful, funny, (too) cocky, sexy person and you were normal. But he hadn‘t been sure. He had been hopeful. So there were only two options; either he was just as captivated by you as you were by him, or he just didn‘t have a clue of how attractive he actually was (very unlikely because: cockytm).

Jihoon: hI Jihoon: *ho Jihoon: shit! lol Jihoon: Good afternoon. Jihoon: I actually wanted to message you earlier but I only got around to it now. Sorry :( So about that party tomorrow… You: Hii. Very smooth start to a conversation I must say.

He must have seen that you had already messaged back because for a second the typing... on the top of your chat turned into online.

Jihoon: I tried 😫 You: I can see. Lol Jihoon: You‘re making fun of me :( You: Maybe. Jihoon: you‘re gonna regret that. Jihoon: :) Jihoon: so anyways…about that party tomorrow… Jihoon: I can come pick you up at 7 if that‘s ok for you? You: sounds good! You: Do I have to wear something fancy? What party is this?? Jihoon: No you don‘t have to. It‘s just some annual party the music majors organize every year in honor of some famous composer. Jihoon: Don‘t ask me who the composer is. I forgot. You:  omg 😂 Jihoon: 🙄 Jihoon: So 7 is good? You: Yup.

It took you a bit of courage to send the next message.

You: Can‘t wait to see you again Jihoon: Goes both ways sweetie ;)

And then you were clinging to your phone like it was some incredibly valuable treasure (or a certain other person). You really could not wait.

Jo: Y/N!?!!?!??!??!?? Jo: You‘re coming to the party tomorrow??? Jo: Hansol told me Jihoon is taking you 🌚 You: 😳 You: He told Hansol about it… You: omg You: but yes I‘m coming…I guess you‘ll be there too. Jo: YES BITCG Jo: and of course he told Hansol about it. He‘s in love with you 😌 You: JO Jo: How was your lunch date yesterday? You: … Jo: Oh no was it bad? You: NO omg it was great Jo: oh Jo: OH 🌚 You: stop sending that emoji 😭 You: but yeah uhm we kissed and Jo: AND You: and then he kinda maybe gave me head on my kitchen table. Jo: you’re kidding You: I swear! Jo: He’s in love with you!!!!!!!! Jo: Also was it good? You: sooo good You: stop saying that I don’t even know what I’m feeling myself :( Jo: You don’t have to know yet tho. Just enjoy it. Jo: And I can’t wait to see you two together tomorrow. I bet y’all are adorable You: omg pls don’t make it weird LOL Jo: Let me rephrase that Jo: I am very looking forward to creepily stare at the two of you from across the room 🌚 You: omg

The next day you handed in your portrait assignment. You had put it in a green folder with your name neatly written on top. You were really happy with your end product and you most definitely didn’t regret having chosen Jihoon as your model. As your professor took the folder out of your hand she smiled: “You know whenever I see that folder of yours I always know it’s gonna be something good.“ “I…thank you so much. That means a lot.“ You stammered. With a friendly nod she averted her attention back to another student. And it was so weird, so utterly confusing that the first thing you thought of on your way home was how you couldn‘t wait to tell Jihoon about your encounter. How you couldn‘t wait to tell him how happy that had made you.

After having spent most of your afternoon on school work, you had forced yourself to quickly decide on an outfit you wanted to wear for tonight. You hated the idea of spending so much time just thinking about your clothes. You had chosen a skirt and a top you really liked, nothing special but you felt comfortable in it. You looked pretty but not as if you had spent much thought on how to do that (which you considered a big accomplishment). It was a few minutes before seven when you heard your phone buzz.

Jihoon: Heyy I’m outside :) You: I’ll be down in a sec!

He was standing on the sidewalk and he looked so casual so at ease, as if picking you up was something he did everyday. And fuck he looked hot. When he saw you walk out the door a puppy like smile spread across his face that broke the illusion of casualness. You couldn‘t help but reciprocate his exciting grin. Without hesitation you fell into each others arms. “Hi.“ he murmured against your hair while holding you. “Hi.“ “You know I’m really happy to see you again.“ “Goes both ways.“ You grinned which made him snicker. You slightly pulled yourself out of his embrace, you didn‘t want to wait any longer. You had been waiting the entire day to tell him. “You know I handed in my portrait assignment today.“ “And?“ he looked so excited. His eyes had actually lit up. “She hasn’t graded it yet but she said that she’s always happy seeing my folder because apparently it’s always good and I still can’t believe she actually said that.“ And then he laughed and there was no other thing to do for you other than to blush. You just stared at him in disbelief because what the hell was so funny. “I…I just…sorry but like of course she said that.“ he was still laughing “Y/N, I really don’t know much about art but even I, a fool, can see that you’re so fucking talented.“ You smiled “You really are a fool, Jihoon.“ “I compliment you and that’s your comment? I can’t believe it.“ He dramatically put his hand over his chest. “I had literally no other choice.“ You giggled. “But thank you so much.“  

As you were walking he told you of his day and how he had been writing a lot of songs lately. You were a rather introverted person, talking to someone, even being around other people could be very exhausting for you. You liked being alone, not necessarily because there were no other people around but because you didn’t need to explain yourself. It wasn’t that you thought you were so different or oh so special but you just had always felt a certain disconnect between the thoughts and feelings you wanted to express and what actually ended up coming out of your mouth…which could be exhausting. But then there were people who seemingly were able to pick up what you were trying to convey. Not just the general message of your words but all those tiny little nuances that you had always been hiding unintentionally in your language. Jihoon seemed to be one of those people.  Your conversation was not just question-answer-and saying things that were supposed to be said. It felt like you were having a monologue together. Your thoughts somehow intertwined, flowed into each other at the exact right time in the exact right places and that was just so fucking cool.

“Hey would it be ok if I held your hand?“ You giggled and turned your head to look at him. “Jihoon, you don‘t even have to ask.“ He took your slightly smaller hand into his and immediately interlaced your fingers. “I just wanted to ask because people are gonna see and they‘ll probably assume we‘re a couple and I don‘t want that to make you uncomfortable.“ You gave his hand a tight squeeze and smiled. “It won‘t.“

Jihoon had told you that they had rented the small concert hall for the party. When you got closer to the music building there were already a lot of (presumingly) students around. The doors to the hall were open and a lot of people were hanging out on the lawn in front of it. You had to stop yourself from laughing out loud when you watched a boy, who definitely wasn‘t 18 yet, throw up into a bush. It was only half past 7. “Poor kid.“ Jihoon stated without being able to hide the amusement in his voice. “You ever threw up before 8?“ you snickered. Your question was meant to be rhetorical. “I would like to exercise my right to remain silent.“ “Oh. My. God. You actually did.“ to accentuate your reaction you stopped walking and put your hands over your face. Mostly because you had a hard time hiding your laugh. You were standing at the edge of the lawn, still at a safe distance from the other party guests. “I didn‘t say anything!“ “I‘m shocked.“ “I know it‘s hard to imagine but there used to be a time where I was so nervous about talking to girls that I had to drink a lot and I mean A LOT of alcohol before doing so.“ he stated, a grin plastered on his face. “Awww Jihoon was actually scared of talking to girls.“ He let out a low chuckle and then he grabbed your hips roughly and pulled you into him. “I‘m not scared of talking to you right now though, am I?“ And holy fuck if that didn‘t make you nervous nothing else would but for some inexplicable reason you still managed to stutter out a response. “Maybe you‘re just good at hiding it.“ He looked at you, amusement still written on his face and it was so hard not to look away because his stare was so intense so intimate, you didn‘t know what to do with yourself. “God, you‘re killing me.“ You just smiled, too much in trance to say anything. His eyes wandered down to your mouth and only now were you realizing how you had been subconsciously biting your bottom lip. And fuck you were already waiting for the kiss, you swore you could already feel his lips on yours but… it didn‘t happen. Instead he pulled away slightly, leaving his hands on your hips. “You know, maybe you‘re right.“ he said and for a moment he seemed so incredibly vulnerable. “Huh?“ “Maybe, you do make me really nervous too.“ And then there was nothing left to do. Everything had stopped moving and there was nothing left to do. Nothing, except that one thing. And you really had no other choice because there was nothing. Only him and you. And then you took his face into your hands and kissed him. He returned it immediately, it was a soft, loving kiss, maybe even a bit innocent. “I‘m glad I can make you feel that way too.“ You released yourself from his grip and took a few steps backwards away from him. “Come on, let‘s join the others.“

There are several ways and techniques on how to draw attention to yourself. The classiest way, which would also have the benefit of not disturbing other people, would probably be to simply just wave in the direction of the person you wanted to get attention from. Jo however was not a classy person. “Hey! Y/N!“ Jo was literally jumping up and down while waving her arms. Hansol, who stood next to her, started to laugh and shake his head in disbelief. But one had to hand it to her, her method worked. You had immediately spotted her through the crowd. Jihoon turned his head to look at you, his voice oozing with sarcasm “I’m not sure but I think your friend might be looking for you.“ “I think you might me right.“ you giggled.

“I‘m so happy you are here!“ Jo stated before hugging you and Jihoon. “I agree. This one‘s kinda hard to deal with alone.“ Hansol said, pointing to Jo. Jo let out an overdramatic sigh and crossed her arms over her chest. “You‘re the worst.“ “I know.“ Hansol had pulled her into him and had given her a kiss on the top of her head, she scrunched up her nose in fake protest which in return had made Jihoon and you laugh. “I swear I have no clue how you deal with her on a daily basis. She is such a goblin.“ you said after having watched the scenario. “Finally someone who understands me!“ Hansol raised his arm to give you a high five, which you gladly reciprocated. “I really need some alcohol after this betrayal..“ Jo announced with a grin on her face.

You had expected to see more dancing, more drinking and more people getting fucked up but right now you were looking at a room full of students who were seemingly just chilling. Most of the chairs had been pushed to the side and a lot of people simply just sat on the floor, chatting with each other. Some students were dancing while some were standing next to the bluetooth speaker. They were probably arguing over the choice of music.  The four of you were standing next to the bar which really wasn‘t a bar. To be precise the so called bar consisted of one folding table and a lot of bottles of alcohol that were stacked on the floor. Jihoon was standing next to you, your sides had been touching the entire time. It felt good to be close to him in such a casual way even though it did make you nervous. “That’s too much orange juice!“ Jihoon tried to keep Hansol from pouring more of the juice into his cup. “Dude it‘s gonna taste like shit.“ “It‘s literally just gonna taste like alcohol.“ “Yeah! Which tastes like shit!“ “Oh my god you have the taste buds of a baby.“ “Yeah he does.“ Jo chimed in which earned her an offended look from Hansol. “Ok but Hansol is kinda right. Like alcohol really tastes awful.“ you decided to defend Hansol. “You‘re cute.“ You hadn‘t even realized yet that Jihoon‘s compliment had been meant for you when Hansol started to protest. “So when Y/N says alcohol is disgusting it‘s cute but when I do it I have the taste buds of a baby??“ “Nah you both have the taste buds of a baby but Y/N is just cuter than you.“ Jihoon grinned and grabbed you side to pull you into him. You thought you were losing your mind. The concept of Jihoon complimenting you was already a hard enough concept to grasp but now he was doing it in front of your friends? You were sure he would be the death of you sooner or later. “I‘m outraged.“ Hansol let out a laugh. He looked like he couldn‘t believe Jihoon‘s boldness either. “Aww poor baby. You‘re cute too.“ Jo had pulled Hansol‘s face down to her height to give him a kiss on the nose. “Thank you.“ he pouted.

“Hey Jihoon! Hansol!“ “Hi! I didn‘t know you were coming too, Seokmin!“ Jo greeted the taller one of the two guys who had just approached you. You didn‘t know them but you were sure you had seen them somewhere on campus before. “Me neither to be honest. But Seungkwan right here didn‘t want to go alone.“ You looked at Seokmin. He was a tall guy who, for a second had seemed somewhat serious and intimidating, but when his entire face broke into a beaming smile that illusion was quickly eliminated. He had actually turned into an overgrown puppy. After everyone had greeted each other Seokmin introduced his friend: “Seungkwan, that‘s Jo and this is…I‘m sorry I think we haven‘t met before. You‘re not a music student right?“ he was looking at you now. “No I‘m an art student. I‘m Y/N.“ “Very nice to meet you.“ the guy who was apparently named Seungkwan chimed in. At a first glance Seungkwan had appeared to be very average looking, only now as you were actually looking at him were you realizing how pretty he actually was. He looked like an actual disney prince. “Seungkwan, how have you been? Haven‘t seen you in so long.“ Jihoon had turned his head to Seungkwan. “Yeah I’ve been real busy with school but besides that I’m doing pretty well.“ The two of them fell into a casual conversation about their school work and you thought Seungkwan was mentioning something about a new project but you couldn‘t be entirely sure because your thoughts had drifted off after about 10 seconds into the conversation, which was of course no one‘s but Jihoon‘s fault. His hand was still resting on your waist as if it were the easiest, most casual, thing to do. Bystanders probably didn‘t even notice but you clearly felt his hand rest on your hip a tad bit too firmly for it to be normal. You were so so so close to him.  Your shirt had risen up just a tiny bit so his fingers were resting on your bare skin. You were already so hyperaware of his touch on your body you really thought you were losing your mind when he started to rub small circles into your side. You wanted nothing more than to be closer to him but you were already so so close and you were in public and he was literally having a conversation with someone right in front of your eyes. “Are you down for it too, Y/N?“ Seungkwan had mentioned your name. Oh no. You had no clue what he was talking about. “I‘m sorry, what did you say?“ you tried to save yourself. “We were talking about playing Seokmin‘s drinking game…“ “Yeah of course she‘s down for it.We’ll just get something to drink and then we’ll join you.“ Jihoon interrupted him. “Awesome!“ Seungkwan didn’t seem to question your lack of response. As Seungkwan was walking off to join Seokmin, Hansol and Jo for the ominous game you were about to play, Jihoon pulled you to the side. “Was I that much of a distraction to you sweetie?“ he was actually smirking. “I…“ you didn’t know what to say because fuck yes he had been that much of a distraction but you couldn’t just admit that even if you were aware that he already knew. “I didn‘t even do much.“ You were nervous again. You could feel your heart pounding in your chest and your entire body felt so hot. “You‘re just mean.“ you pouted. He let out a hearty laugh at your childish answer. “And you‘re just so innocent.“ “I‘m not.“ “You keep saying that but I just don‘t believe you, sweetie.“ He still had his hand on your hip and it felt like your skin was actually burning under his touch. You really didn‘t think you were brave enough but for some unapparent reason you managed to get your next words out of your mouth. “How can I prove it to you?“ He was surprised by your question, he had raised his eyebrows but his smirk had vanished a tiny bit. “Hey are y’all coming?“ Hansol’s voice had made both of you jump slightly. Jihoon slackened his grip on your waist and took a step back to lessen the tension between you. “We‘re on our way!“

“What even are we playing?“ you asked Jihoon as you were walking over. “If you would’ve paid attention you would know.“ he winked at you. You just rolled your eyes which made him chuckle. “It’s just some weird drinking game Seungkwan wanted to try for the longest of time. Apparently it’s a bit like truth or dare.“ “Oh, that sounds like fun.“ “It does. Maybe it‘s a chance for you to prove that you‘re not that innocent?“

Hi! It´s me, Jo. I´d like to thank you for reading my stuff! I really hope you enjoyed it. If you have any feedback, comments, requests, questions please let me know! 

Also I’m very sorry it took me so much longer to upload a new chapter than I originally thought. University has been more stressful than I predicted :( Oh and if you’d like to be added to the tag list just let me know :)

Tag list: @3sriracha​ 

Ch. 5 - Whispers of the Cards

My Stories Masterlist  

Word Count: 6214 Summary: Hisoka learns what became of him in the alley after he was rendered unconscious. Magikana receives a little more insight into the past of her apprentice through the means of fortune telling.

Warnings(TW): mentions of homophobia, angst, mentions of self harm/suicide, mentions of past abuse/rape, blood mentioned, vaguely mentions of underage masturbation, cartomancy

Hisoka

  A warm, bright light slowly penetrated Hisoka's closed eyelids, steadily rousing his conscious mind. He could tell he was laying on something soft and was covered with some sort of blanket. His thoughts faltered. Something about this felt… familiar.

  Hisoka took an abrupt intake of breath as memories of his nightmare came crashing forward. His eyes snapped open and looked wildly about the room, half expecting to see the rotting corpse of his mother, ready and waiting to pounce him once again. He was more than a little relieved to find no such monstrosity. 

  Hisoka took a deep breath through his nose, wincing a little due to the tenderness of his ribs. Staring at the ceiling, his mind wandered while he tried to recall what happened last night. It was strange that the memories of his nightmare, an event that didn’t really happen, were much more clear than the memories of what really did happen.

  His eyes began to roam when his attention was captured by the sound of someone snoring softly. He turned his head to see a covered figure of someone laying beside him atop his blankets with their back facing him. 

  Who? ♣ Hisoka then spotted familiar auburn hair sticking out from atop the blanket. Oh, it’s Abaki. ♡ She must have fallen asleep after I did and Kana covered her up when she checked in on us. ♡

  Even though Abaki was asleep, he was grateful for the company. He turned his gaze back towards the slightly cracked ceiling above. His stomach growled loudly and he wondered when his trainer would be by again to check on them.

  As if on cue, Magikana pushed open the door to the room and came in with little noise. Looking in her direction, Hisoka saw she was carrying a tray with food on it. The teen’s stomach growled even louder when the delicious aromas wafted from the tray and reached his nose. The sound of his stomach was loud enough to catch the magician’s attention. She turned and smiled down at her apprentice.

  “Ah, you are avake, good,” she set the tray down on the nightstand beside the bed.

  Hisoka pushed himself into an upright sitting position and glanced over at the tray. His mouth watered when he saw there were two helpings of oatmeal with butter and cinnamon sugar, fried eggs, crispy bacon, fresh fruit, and mugs of warm honey tea. For the first time in quite a while, Hisoka had a voracious appetite. He felt like he had not eaten in days.

  Movement beside him signaled that Abaki was waking up as well. She stretched with a groan and rolled over. When she opened her violet eyes to see Hisoka and Magikana both looking down at her, she blinked.

  “Oh,” the trainee mumbled sleepily, “morning.”

  “Actually,” Kana chuckled warmly as she handed Hisoka his bowl of oatmeal, “it is vell past noon. Cook vas nice enough to make breakfast foods for you two.”

  “What?!” Abaki yelped, suddenly wide awake and sitting up. “But, what about the others? Are they still here?” The magician's face fell and she shook her head slowly. 

  “The others have gone ahead, they could no longer stay.” Magikana looked at their horrified faces before her and burst out laughing.

  “Do not be so vorried, little vuns,” she stated in an amused and whimsical manner. “Once Hisoka is fit for travel, ve vill be on our own way to join zem.”

  With those words, the two teens released their collective breaths and relaxed. However, nearly as soon as Hisoka felt relieved he felt a wave of guilt wash over him. 

  They were left behind because of me… ♠ Frowning, Hisoka hadn’t even realized he had set his bowl down until Magikana spoke to him.

  “It is okay, little vun,” she said softly, “Is not your fault. And ones at fault are gone.”

  Hisoka looked at Magikana and opened his mouth to question only to have his teacher quickly raise her hand, cutting him off.

  “Eat first,” she instructed sternly. “Vill explain all once food is gone.”

  It was relatively quiet as the two teens hungrily ravaged their food. Magikana quietly sat beside the bed as she sipped her own mug of warm tea while scrolling through her phone. Once the dishes were empty and stacked nicely on the tray, the magician put her phone away and sighed.

  “Where to begin..” The magician frowned, tapping her finger on her leg in thought. 

  “Hisoka,” she started hesitantly, “you have been unconscious not so better part of four days.”

  Hisoka had a feeling this was the case, so he wasn’t really surprised at the news. He continued to stare at his trainer, waiting for her to keep going. But, for the first time in the few months he’d known her, Magikana seemed unsure what to say next. She even appeared to be unsettled by what she was trying to tell him.

  “What happened to me? ♣” he croaked. It was painfully obvious that Hisoka’s vocal cords were still injured. He did sound a great deal better than last night, however. The magician opened her mouth to speak, yet the words appeared stuck in her throat. Hisoka could see pain and anger begin to show in her eyes. The emotions confused him, causing him to tilt his head a little.

  Abaki tentatively raised her hand, “I could help tell what happened.” Her voice sounded small, almost timid. At this, Magikana swallowed hard and gave her head a single, solemn nod. The acrobat trainee nodded in response. She took a deep, shaky breath and looked down at her hands as she wrung them together.

  “When you didn’t meet me to go to the beach, I thought maybe you were still helping Kana. Or that maybe you didn’t hear me over the crowd,” she started slowly. “So I went to find you both, but she was alone. When I asked her about you, she said that you had gone to meet me, and I became worried. I went to look for you. Kana said she would help if I couldn’t find you by the time she was done cleaning up. I was walking along the buildings when I heard...”

  She faltered, Abaki wet her lips and glanced at Hisoka and Magikana before she continued, “I heard Drake and Jasper. They were talking loudly while coming out of an alley. Something told me to hide, so I ducked behind some barrels where I could watch them. Drake was laughing, teasing Jasper about how he was a horrible fighter. And how that skinny little fag-” Abaki paused, unable to bring herself to say the full word, “How that person wouldn’t be around to get in the way anymore thanks to himself.”

  “I just knew they were talking about you, and as soon as they were out of sight I ran into the alley to look for you. I found traces of blood on the ground, but that’s all I could find. I knew they did something to you s-so I ran back t-to find K-kana a-and…” 

  Body trembling, her words stuttered to a stop. Abaki’s eyes brimmed with tears, a single drop falling to her white knuckled fists. Hesitantly, Hisoka reached over and began to rub his friend’s back in attempts to aid in some form of comfort. He was concerned for her, he had seen her upset before, but not like this.

  “We found you in dumpster,” the magician continued in Abaki’s place. Her voice had become cold and unforgiving as the scenes of that night replayed behind her eyes. Hisoka looked back at her to see the expression on her face matched the tone of voice.

  “From condition, zey obviously had continued zeir assault vile you vere unable to fight back. I carried you back to inn, ven doctor made sure you vere stable and vould live, I confronted Drake and Jasper with Moritonio. Zey denied it at first, but Abaki told vaht she heard. Camilla came forvard as vell.”

  Hisoka blinked, “Camilla? ♣”

  “My brother had been saying how much he hated you, and wanted to… hurt you, for sometime now,” a voice cut in. All three of them turned to the source of the newcomer to find Camilla peaking through the door Magikana had left cracked open. Her eyes were red, and somewhat swollen; a dour expression rested upon her tear stained face. She glanced at the small group looking her direction before pushing the door further open to step into the room.

  “I-I’m sorry,” she stated softly, “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”   “It is alright, my dear,” Magikan replied gently and gestured to a chair near the bed on Abaki’s side. Camilla hesitated then set the bag of supplies down on the floor close to the wall, closed the door softly, and shuffled across the room to sit in the chair.

  Hisoka watched Camilla as she settled into her seat with a defeated posture. She glanced up at him and held his gaze. Her soft brown eyes were burdened with grief and sorrow. Tears began to dot the corners of her eyes the longer she looked at Hisoka.

  “I am so sorry, Hisoka,” she sobbed, “I honestly didn’t think my brother would do this to you. I’ve always known h-him to be s-so gentle.” Camilla broke the eye contact she was holding with Hisoka and her expression darkened with anger and hatred.

  “I still blame that homophobic bastard, Drake,” she seethed, “he poisoned Jasper and turned him into what he is now.” She shook her head and furiously scrubbed at her eyes with the palms of her hands. Tears of a multitude of emotion were now streaming down her face. Hisoka stared at Camilla with a neutral expression while Abaki tried to comfort her; speaking gentle words and holding her hand. 

  Something tells me Drake didn’t have to taint Jasper very much for his inner demons to come out, ♣ Hisoka thought to himself. He turned his gaze to his trainer who was also watching Abaki and Camilla with a doleful look. However, Hisoka could still see anger smoldering in her eyes.

  “Where are they now? Jasper and Drake? ♣” he inquired.

  She took a slow, deep breath in and out through her nose before responding, “Exiled from zee troupe. Once Moritonio was positive zey had committed such crimes, zey vere both told to leave and zat zey had no chance of ever rejoining his troupe. Zere hatred to zose vizen zee troupe vill not be tolerated.”

  Hisoka blinked and furrowed his brow as he processed what his trainer had just told him. He felt elated that his assailants were gone and could no longer trouble him; yet dissatisfied that banishment was the only punishment they received for nearly taking his life. The corners of his mouth dipped down and his hands curled into fits, this did not bode well with him.

  “Is that really all the punishment they received? ♠” 

  Camilla, Abaki, and Magikana all looked at Hisoka with expressions of apprehension. Hisoka could feel his anger coil and writhe inside him like agitated snakes. Their venom ran hot through his veins and his eye twitched. 

  “They nearly took my life, shouldn’t there be a greater repercussion for their actions? ♠”

  “Hisoka, I know you’re mad, but, what more do you think should be done?” Abaki asked. She was leaning forward in an attempt to see Hisoka’s face and get a better read on his thoughts.

  “The troupe meant everything to Drake, and I’m the only family Jasper has left,” Camilla added, “They lost all that was dear to them because of what they did to you. They lost their livelihood. Isn't that enough?” 

  Hisoka opened his mouth to answer vehemently but caught himself. He took note of the looks on Abaki and Camilla’s face. Magikana watched him carefully with narrowing eyes. 

  “Vaht, exactly, do you zink would have been enough, little vun?” 

  It dawned on Hisoka there would most likely be trouble if he continued further on his current train of thought. They simply did not see the world as he did. He would need to change things up and play a different hand.

  “It’s just, shouldn’t the authorities have been called as well? How do you know they won’t commit hate crimes on someone else? ♣” he whispered, feigning concern. He honestly didn’t care what Drake or Jasper did to anyone else besides Abaki and Magikana; maybe Camilla as well since her demise would greatly affect Abaki. 

  “Hmm,” the magician hummed, looking over her apprentice as though she didn’t fully believe his words. However, she answered none the less. “Tonio did not want zem involved in zee troup’s business. He figured banishment vould be good enough.”

  Hisoka pressed his lips together tightly. Despite his own frustrations, he knew there was no point in arguing further. Nodding his head in response he allowed his posture to droop and a look of exhaustion washed of him. He forged a yawn to seal the look. With a full belly of good food combined with a bruised and battered body, Hisoka was indeed tired; just not as tired as he portrayed. 

  Seemingly, the ruse was enough to fool his trainer; as she smiled softly and gently ruffled his hair.

  “Rest, little vun, the sooner you recover zee better,” she stood and collected the tray of dirty breakfast dishes. “Abaki, Camilla, come vith me.”

  Abaki gave Hisoka a very gentle shoulder bump along with a small smile.

  “I’ll see you after you get some more rest, okay, Hiso?”

  Hisoka only responded with a tired smile. Abaki slid off the bed and Camilla retrieved a bottle of water from the bag she had brought in with her. Not looking at Hisoka, she placed it on the nightstand then turned to head out of the room. She and Abaki followed Magikana out of the room, closing the door softly behind them.

  The falsetto smile fell away from Hisoka’s lips the moment he heard the door knob latch into place. A snarl curled his lips in place of the smile, his eyes narrowed and white hot anger prickled the back of his neck.

  Those two got off too easily,♠ his mind seethed, fists tightening around his covers in a merciless deathgrip. He wanted to find them, do horrible things to them, but he knew now was not the time. He was wounded and needed to heal, regain his strengths. But once he did, there would be other matters.

  Jasper wouldn’t be a problem; Drake, on the other hand, has much more experience than I do...♠ Hisoka shifted his pillows around and settled back while in thought. I need to train more, become stronger. ♣

  He twitched when sudden memories seared his mind. Flashes of being held down, beaten, abused, and raped. 

  No… Not just stronger, I need to become the strongest.♢

  He was usually the weaker one in past situations, never able to defend and fight back effectively. Hisoka did know how to fight, somewhat, as he was a very quick learner. He had watched others fight and ended up in more than his fair share around the area he had once lived with his mother. For someone with so little experience, Hisoka would be considered a pretty decent fighter by most. However,  “decent” was not good enough for the red haired teen. 

  Not only did Hisoka want to become stronger, he wanted to become the best fighter there ever was and ever would be. He felt a wicked, sadistic grin spread wide across his face as he imagined himself older and more experienced while fighting Drake. 

  Hisoka would toy with him, making Drake suffer as his spirit broke and slowly crumbled before the mighty red haired fighter. He would be sure to take his time, savoring every ounce of pain and misery his opponent would experience; all while a crushed and dying Jasper lay at his feet like a crumpled worthless doll. 

  Hisoka let out a small, quiet moan as he imagined a broken and defeated Drake begging an older Hisoka to spare his life. These thoughts of absolutely dominating and destroying his opponents were beginning to arouse him. Something that often happened when the teen would become lost in these morbid daydreams.

  Not long before he left home, Hisoka had found himself daydreaming about harming and destroying those that had harmed him. He had been a little surprised to find that not only did he really enjoy these thoughts, but had been aroused by them as well. He knew that any “normal” person would be horrified by this, but now Hisoka found it to be more curious than anything. 

  In truth, he had indeed been disturbed by his reactions at first. But after a little experimenting with himself, Hisoka found the experience to be quite pleasurable in a matter he actually enjoyed. Interestingly enough, he noticed that he even seemed to enjoy certain types of pain that would highlight the pleasures.  And once he was done and spent, he felt calmer and more clear minded once having been relieved by the mental images of his enemies broken and beaten.

  A state that Hisoka now found himself in once he had calmed down from his high and cleaned himself up. He settled back against his pillows, tilted his head back, and closed his eyes. His mind carefully went over his current situation and what options he had before him.

  It’s not like I can do a lot of physical training just yet, ♠ he mused, But I do suppose I could practice my Ten. ♣

  Hisoka adjusted his position a bit then turned his focus inward, concentrating on his aura.

Magikana

  A little over a week had passed since Hisoka had violently awoken from his coma. The day after the horrific event, an easy routine fell into place. Hisoka would rest and take things easy while Abaki and Camilla would explore the town and beach. On occasion Magikana would join them, collecting starfish and buying fresh fruits from the local market.

  After Hisoka had a few days to rest, Abaki started to join him for Nen practice. During these times, Camilla would hang around Magikana who had taken notice of the girl's reluctance to be alone for too long. 

  “How are you holding up, my dear?” Kana asked one day while the two sipped tea and read books in the warm sunshine near the peers. Having been lost in her book, the girl jumped when she realized she was being spoken to. 

  “Oh, uh, fine I guess,” she stammered softly. She continued staring at the same word for a few more minutes then sighed, closed the book, and set it in her lap. The fire dancer trainee met the magician's gentle gaze before she spoke.

  “Kana, I know Hisoka is your apprentice, but,” she hesitated, not sure it was wise to continue. Magikana held her smile in place as she closed her own book, giving the young teen her full attention.

  “It is alright child, I know Hisoka can be… difficult.”

  “Tch, that’s an understatement,” Camilla muttered under her breath. Magikana felt an eyebrow twitch and was thankful Camilla didn’t see it. 

  “I know you and Abaki trust him, but do you really think he’s safe?”

  “Vaht do you mean?” the elder one inquired. Camilla sighed once more and rubbed her arm.

  “I dunno, I just get this feeling that Hisoka is… unstable? I feel like he could do a lot of harm if he got angry enough. I mean, you saw how he started to react when he felt Jasper and Drake didn’t receive enough for what they did. I seriously thought he was going to lash out or something.”

  Magikana mulled over the trainee’s words for a bit. She had indeed seen the anger in her student’s eyes and sensed the malice churning in his aura. This negative energy was often called “bloodlust” among nen users. And even though the magician could not see nen nor create nen of her own, her natural senses could feel it; much like a sixth sense.

   “Like many in zee troupe, Hisoka has suffered more zan his fair share of hardships, even at so young,” Magikana started slowly, “I believe he suffered great ordeals before ve found him. Maybe even forced to do terrible things. Zere is anger and hurt inside him, causes him to lash out before he has time to zink.”

  Magikana paused in her words, choosing what to say next very carefully.

  “You ask if Hisoka is safe to be around, I honestly believe he is. But like anyone else, he has limits. Drake and Jasper not only harassed zose he cares about, but hurt him and left him for dead. He has every right to feel zee way he does.”

  Camilla worried her lip as she thought about what the magician said. It looked as if she wanted to argue against what Magikana was saying, yet she remained silent. She shifted her gaze out to the ocean leaving the choice of action open to either silence or continued conversation. Camilla was not a confrontational person and rarely spoke her mind unless she was severely emotional or absolutely sure about what she had to say.

  “You do not have to like Hisoka, my dear,” Magikana gave the young teen a gentle smile, “just try to be understanding.”

  The trainee glanced at Magikana and nodded, returning the smile with a small one of her own. 

  Magikana gave a single nod of her head then stood and stretched. The sun was slowly beginning to set, alighting the sky in a beautiful array of warm colors.

  “I am heading back to zee inn, vould you care to join me?”

  “Mmm, no, thank you,” Camilla replied while staring out to sea, “I think I am going to remain here for a little longer.” Her voice drifted off in thought.

  “Suit yourself.” 

  On the way back to Hisoka’s room the magician ran into the acrobat trainee. 

  “Oh! Hi Kana,” the teen glanced behind the magician, “Cammy not with you?”

  “Cammy?” Magikana questioned, raising an eyebrow as a knowing smile crept only her lips.

  “Ah! I mean Camilla!” Abaki flustered as her cheeks started to darken with blush.

  The magician chuckled and she thumbed over her shoulder. 

  “Thanks!” Abaki then ran down the rest of the steps and out the inn’s front entryway.

  “Ah, young love,” Magikana chuckled to herself and sighed as she briefly reminisced about her own romance days past. She continued up the stairs and headed to Hisoka’s room to find his door wide open.

  There, she found a tired looking Hisoka sitting alone at a table and starting a game of solitaire with himself. He had been secluding himself away since the incident; often deep in thought and spoke in as few words as possible. The only company he accepted was when he and Abaki would practice nen or he would practice magic tricks with Magikana, and even then he didn’t respond like he normally would. This bothered the magician.

  For the few months she had known Hisoka, he never seemed to be much of a people person; one may even consider him to be a bit shy. But he was usually more than willing to be friendly and talkative when it came to the company of Abaki or Magikana. Even the company of Moritonio was liked by the lad. 

  But this withdrawn, quite Hisoka was not the same boy she had quickly grown to care about. She knew he was hurting; maybe even suffering. The doctor had given him the all clear just yesterday, so physically he was fine. It was after Abaki had fully told him about the events of the night he had come so close to death by his own hands that Hisoka seemed to retreat within himself. While Magikana had tried to get him to talk to her about what was going on in his head, she didn’t want to push the matter too hard out of concern it would cause a negative impact.

  Magikana quietly approached Hisoka and sat in the empty chair across from him. He glanced up at her and gave her a small, tired small then returned back to his game with a pensive expression. The two sat in silence for a while, both of them focusing on the cards being played. As the magician watched Hisoka slowly sort the cards it reminded her something, giving her an idea.

  “Did you know,” Magikana started quietly, “zat zere is a vay to predict zee future by using zese very cards?”

  Hisoka paused in his action and looked up at his trainer with a single thin eyebrow quirked up. Magikana took this as an answer.

  “Ah, so you did not know. Vell,” she picked up and examined the Jack of Hearts, “it is practice called ‘cartomancy.’ Each card has meaning, and ven played in a spread, zey can answer questions or tell your fortune.”

  “Sounds like superstitious nonsense to me, ♣” the boy chuckled with faint amusement, “especially coming from someone who can’t see or use nen. ♠”

  “Zhere is more to zee world zan zose who are nenless and zose who can use it, little vun,” Magikana replied candidly, “it is not all black and vite, zere is so much grey. I vould say I fall into zat grey area, no?”

  Hisoka pondered for a moment then gave a small shrug with a head tilt and nodded. Magikana had proven on more than one occasion she had some abnormally keen sense for one who was nenless.

  “Yes, but simple playing cards telling one's fortune? That still seems to be a little far fetched. ♣”

  Magikana chuckled, “Vell, if you are so sure, how about we give it a try?”

  Hisoka smirked, leaned back in his chair, and made a hand gesture over the cards on the table for his trainer to take them. Pleased to be getting more of a reaction out of her apprentice, Magikana returned the smirk and quickly swept up the cards with expert hands. 

  “Ve vill do simple spread,” she explained while shuffling the cards in a blur of motion, “I vill have you draw zree cards zree times, setting zem down from left to right, top to bottom.”

  She set the deck down and sat back in her chair as Hisoka followed her instruction. Once Hisoka had made a three-by-three square out of the cards, his trainer continued.

  “Zee top row represents the past,” Magikana noticed Hisoka stiffen ever so slightly. She carried on, “zee middle row is for zee present, and of course, zee last row is to show zee possible future. Now, please turn zee top row face up.”

  Hisoka hesitated to follow orders this time. He even looked as though he had paled somewhat.

“Vaht is wrong, little vun? It is only silly superstition, yes?”

  Hisoka forced a chuckle and waved his hand dismissively at the rows of cards.

  “Of course, nothing to fear. ♣” Yet the apprentice still hesitated.

  “Hisoka, my dear, I promise you zat vaht ever zee cards show will be kept between you and me. It is no business of any vun else. Okay?” Magikana’s voice was warm and gentle, her expression kind and caring. The apprentice looked his master in the face, carefully studying it.

  Is he really so scared I vill judge him for his past? I vonder…

  Slowly, Hisoka reached for the cards and flipped them one at a time, revealing the seven of hearts, queen of spades, and two of spades. Magikana made sure to keep her face in a neutral expression as she studied the cards and mentally sorted their meanings.

  A dark haired vomen vith broken promises and deceit. Zere vas tough choices and change, too… Could zis have been a family member? 

  She took in a breath through her nose before she spoke, “Your recent past… Zere vas a voman who hurt you, lied to you and broke promises, yes?”

  Hisoka’s eyes widened a fraction and the color drained from his face a little more. He swallowed hard and delivered a tiny single nod. Magikana’s heart ached, her gut told her there was so much more to this.

  “She vas family?” Hisoka nodded again. He had only mentioned one family member the entire time she had known him. She decided to try her luck.

  “It vas your muzza, vasn’t it.” The words fell as a statement, not a question. Hisoke hesitated, then nodded very slowly.

  I see, Magikana thought to herself, a child should be able to rely on zere muzza and be protected by zem, not be hurt by zem… 

  The magician noticed Hisoka looked very uncomfortable and stressed. It was obvious to her that the conversation was making him uneasy. 

  Zee poor boy has been zrough enough, maybe anozer time we can talk more ven he is ready… 

  “Let's continue, shall vee? Go ahead and flip zee next row.”

  Hisoka blinked, it appeared he had expected his trainer to press the topic further. He stared for a moment longer then tried to hide a sigh of relief. His shoulders relaxed a little and he smirked as though he had been amused at his own unease. 

  Next to be revealed was the nine of spades, two of clubs, and the four of hearts. Magikana’s heart sank.

  Challenges and depression followed by travel. Not much better, but I suppose it vas to be expected. Vaht vit his past cards are saying and vaht he just vent zrough, I vould be more vorried if he vas unphased. But still… 

  “Vell, zee cards see zat vee are traveling soon,” she said with a light laugh, “zee four of hearts say ‘travel is on the horizon’. Is right, vee leave first zing in zee morning.”

  “Oh, and what do the other cards say? ♣” Hisoka was curious, yet sported a cocky smirk.

  Magikana felt the corners of her mouth drop a little and her expression towards her apprentice softened.

  “Zat you are going zrough some hard times here,” she gave the side of her head a few light taps then moved her finger to rest over her heart, “and here.”

  Hisoka’s face twitched yet his expression remained.

  “Oh?~ ♣”

  Magikana pressed her lips together forming them into a slim line. She wanted to proceed, yet she could tell her apprentice had recovered from his initial surprise and thrown up a thick wall. Hisoka was frustratingly good at avoiding straight answers. Not to mention he had a nearly perfect poker face.

  “As I said, little vun, ven you are ready to talk, I am more zan villing to listen,” the magician said with a small sigh, “but I vill not force you if you feel as zough you are not ready to speak yet.”

  An emotion shifted in Hisoka’s eyes, to fleeting for Magikana to decipher. 

  “I appreciate that, sensei. ♡” He spoke in a conciliatory tone, faint smirk on his lips, “But I’m afraid my thoughts, both past and present, would be too troubling to reveal. ♠” 

  The magician regretted her decision to not press further when her apprentice was caught off guard. Concern began to rise that she had just missed her only chance to get the redheaded teen to open up.

  “Troubling for who?” she inquired calmy.

  “Why, the both of us,~ ♠” Hisoka humdrummed, appearingly now bored with the topic. Magikana frowned slightly.

  “Perhaps,” she continued with caution, “even so, I stand by my vords, ‘if you need to speak, I vill alvays have time to listen’. Even if vaht you have to say are not good zings, I vill listen. Everyone needs a friendly ear at some point in zere life.”

  Hisoka paused, a crack appeared in the mask he was holding. He licked his lips and a wild glint shown in his molten gold eyes.

  “Even if those troubles make you see me as a monster?~ ♢” he spoke barely above a whisper.

  “I vould not say you are monster, my dear, but someone who has been found in a place vith little to no choice.”

  “You could say that… ♣” Hisoka’s voice trailed off. He looked down at the cards, narrowing his eyes in thought. Magikana said nothing, allowing her apprentice to make his own decisions. The seconds felt like hours as she waited.

  He blinked a few times as more of his mask began to crumble. He took a slow, deep breath and opened his mouth to speak.

  “Hiso! Kana! You’ve gotta come see this!” Abaki shouted excitedly as she came bursting into the room, causing both trainer and trainee to jump and turn towards her. “The beach is all covered in this bright blue glowy stuff! It’s soooo pretty!”

  Magikana felt her temper flair, “Child, do you not know how to knock? Is rude to burst into a room like zat.”

  “Oh,” Abaki faltered, looking back and forth between Hisoka and Magikana, “I’m sorry did I interrupt something?”

  “Ye-”

  “No, Abaki, you didn’t. ♣”  Hisoka interrupted his trainer cooly, “Just some rather dull chit chat is all. ♠”

  “But, it looks like you were playing a game.” the acrobat noticed.

  “Something like that. More like superstitious nonsense, to be honest, ♣” Hisoka sighed as he stood from his chair, “So, you said the beach is glowing? ♢”

  Abaki started as she remembered why she had come in the first place. “Yeah! Cammy said it’s a special type of plankton that glows, I think you two will like it! Come check it out.” 

  “Alright,~ ♡” Hisoka scooped up a pair of slip-on shoes as he started to follow his friend who bolted back down the hall. He paused at the open door and turned back to his trainer who was now looking down at the cards with an evasive expression.

  “Thank you, Kana,” the red head spoke sincerely; using his teacher's shortened name as means of endearment, “while you did not get to hear what you wanted, it is good to know that someone is so willing to listen. ♡ Perhaps another time.~ ♣”

  Magikana looked up at her pupil and felt a small amount of relief touch her mind as she recognized the Hisoka she had grown to care about. She then simply nodded her head and began to pick up the cards one by one off the table. Hisoka hesitated, he could see his teacher working her jaw in frustration. For a moment it looked like he was about to say something else. But instead, he simply smirked then turned and followed after his friend.

  Once she was sure her apprentice was out of earshot, Magikana began to mutter a slew of curses and swears under her breath in sheer annoyance.  

  “Damn zat child,” she huffed, “both of zem! Superstitious nonsense, ha!”   She went to pick up the last three cards of the spread and paused. Traditionally, the cards were to be revealed by the ones who drew them. Not to mention it was considered to be ill practice and rude to look into someone's business without their permission. Magikana could just add the cards back to the deck without looking, however… 

  She pursed her lips and wiggled her fingers above the first card before she finally shrugged in a “fuck it” manner. She turned the first card representing Hisoka’s near future over.

  Ah! Zee ace of hearts. So a new relationship is in Hisoka’s near future. Perhaps he vill meet a new friend on our travels, yes?

  Magikana couldn’t help but smile a little. Her apprentice most definitely needed more friends. She turned over the next card with a little more enthusiasm.

  Five of clubs, it seems zis new friend vill be supportive of zee little vun. Zis is turning out to be promising.

  The magician eagerly turned over the last card and froze, fingers still touching the card. She felt her heart drop one again as she stared at the seven of spades.

  Bad advice, grief, and loss… Oh, little vun, vaht do zee fates have in store for you? . . .

~ ~ ~

📜 A/N: Thank you all so much for you patience. Life has been stressful as of late with trying to get myself situated in buying a house before the one I am living in currently sells out from underneath me.

  Hopefully I can come out with content on a more regular basis once things settle down. However, there really isn't much tell as to when that will be at this point in time.On a side note, I think I will be putting this story on the back burner for a little while. Chapter 4 really took it outta me. That's another reason this chapter took so long in coming out. I plan to write some fluffy/smutty stuff to recharge my batteries and then I will come back to this OC story. At this point in time, I am planning to start rewriting the older chapters from here on out when I do come back.

  Anywho, thanks again for reading! Please don't forget to "heart" the chapter if you enjoyed it, and I'll catch ya'll in the next one! Laters! ^_^

~ ~ ~

Previous Chapter: Ch. 4 - On Death’s Doorstep

Next Chapter: Bubblegum Blood: Ch. 6 - The One and Only, Sadashi Ito

Kyojuro Rengoku x Fem! Reader

[Rekindle the Flame Inside Your Heart]

U M A I

That's basically the only word to explain why I wanted to make this for Rengobro-

I don't really have much info of when he was young, or just don't remember some details so uhhh a headcanon-?

Either way, I hope you enjoy!

WARNING: Very slight manga spoilers ahead!

How many times have he seen you on the same bed, in the same room already?

Kyojuro just came back from a mission. He was injured, but nothing really big. Just sprained his hand a little. But he knew injuries would be in the way of his missions if he doesn't treat them immediately.

But this was the fifth time he sees you at the Butterfly Estate already. And he doesn't even come here that often.

You never changed since the first time he saw you. You were sitting on the bed, head wrapped in a bandage, and staring at the wall. He decides to finally ask Shinobu about this.

"Oh, her." She says, her tone sounding pitiful. She finishes wrapping the bandage around his wrist and starts cleaning up. "She's never left. It's been 5 months since her last mission. It was horrible, really."

"A demon was able to wipe out her comrades with a blood demon art. She was able to kill him, but she was badly injured. She couldn't stop crying for a week. The poor thing..." She's finally finished cleaning up and faces him. It was kind of obvious in her tone that she wanted you leave already, but she doesn't have the heart to ask you. "You have to rest your hand for at least 48 hours, and you have to take this medicine after--"

"Kocho." Kyojuro cuts her off, but his smile doesn't waver. "May I spend those hours here?"

° ° °

At this point, why are you even alive?

It's been 5 months. Why are you being pathetic? You must be a really big burden to Kocho-san already. Stop being weak. Stop mourning over te past. You've killed the demon, right? Shouldn't you be happy? He wasn't gonna terrorize anyone anymore. No more people will be killed. You saved everyone. You also saved the demon from himself.

But your comrades. You couldn't save them.

The memory was still so vivid and horrifying. The memory turned into a nightmare, it was refusing to let you sleep.

It was refusing to let you rest.

You were so deep in your thoughts, you didn't even notice someone sitting beside your bed.

The person snapped his fingers in front of you. You snap your head around to see -

"R-Rengoku-san?!" you quickly bow down to show respect to the Flame Pillar. "W-what are you doing here?"

He gave a hearty laugh. "I would just like to have a little chat!" he says cheerfully. You sweat, you'll go blind from his radiant smile. "I've seen you many many times already, so I thought that I introduce myself if we'll ve seeing each other that often."

"But I know who you are already..."

"Nope!" you were startled at his exuberant response. "You only know my name, but not who I am."

You blink. Well, he's right. But what exactly is the reason for a pillar to talk to a low-ranking demon slayer such as yourself?

"Speak to me like I'm just a friend, and not a pillar!" his eyes sparkled with an unusual determination. You were sure none of your friends are as eccentric as him. "I'm Rengoku Kyojuro! You can call me by my first name!"

You stare down at your hands in diffidence. Are you not allowed to just run away? But you don't leave your bed unless necessary. Maybe you should just go with it, he is a pillar after all. But he said to treat him as a friend. Wait, what friend exactly?

You cut off your thoughts and raise your head, pink hues covering your cheeks. "N-nice to meet you, Kyojuro-kun! I-I'm [Y/N]!" you stutter in exclaim, your eyes glinting with clear confusion. But you admit that this is quite fun.

Kyojuro seemed to smile wider. "Okay, [Y/N]! What do you like to eat?"

° ° °

Kyojuro-kun.

Kyojuro-kun.

The name kept repeating in his head. He talked with you for hours. You've been calling him that name in those hours and he can't help but feel something warm inside him other than his flaring passion as a demon slayer.

He also learned a lot of interests that didn't suit the you when he first saw you. He realized that you were just this bubbly person who likes to get into trouble sometimes, but you're very compassionate about demons.

That's why you only blame yourself for their deaths and not the demon.

You were depressed. You couldn't save them. Kyojuro knew the feeling. But he wants to make you realize that it wasn't your fault. That whenever the sun would set, it would rise again the next day.

Your sun hasn't risen for such a long time, but he'll make it rise, he thought as passion flared his heart.

° ° °

Even after Kyojuro left the Butterfly Estate as his hand has completely healed, a day won't go by without him visiting you. He claims that he was free, so it was alright.

You still have no idea what and why he talked to you in the first place that day, but you were glad he did.

His smile was so infectious that you'd forget how sadness feels like. His bright and lively personality reminded you how to be happy.

Everyday, he would eat beside you and tell you how his day went. If he went on a mission the previous day, he always makes sure he finishes it as early as he can so he can visit you the next day and tell you all about it. You honestly missed going outside in your demon slayer uniform, but Kyojuro makes that feeling go away.

You couldn't leave yet, even thought you knew you would have to, eventually. But you're rooted here for some reason, and once you remember that, all the happiness would go away because once the moon rises, all of it will come back washing over you.

The nightmares. The tears. The regret. The guilt.

The blood.

Why won't it go away? Why is it still haunting your dreams? Why can't you move on?

You woke, sweating and gasping and crying as usual. The same thing would happen every morning; it's like a part of your day-to-day routine now.

You forget that someone is part of that routine as well.

That day, Kyojuro visited early and caught you in that state. You widen your eyes in horror to meet the eyes of the Flame Pillar.

Why is he here so early? You didn't want him to see you in that state.

He rushes over to you, eyes that were used to be so energetic now full of worry.

"[Y/N]! Are you alright? Did you have a nightmare?" He throws his questions at you like daggers you can't dodge. All you could do was cover your face with your hands and cry.

Why are you like this? Why are you crying in front of him? Why aren't you saying anything?

The questions quickly vanished from your mind as you can feel broad arms wrap around you into a hug. Your head was resting on his chest. You feel your face grow warm. His steady heartbeat was audible as it calmed you.

After a while, both of you were outside and sitting on the engawa. You have washed your face and decided to tell him what happened 5 months ago.

It was weird to you. You're actually saying what happened and it was your mouth. But your features were calm. Not even a single tear. Did you finally run out tears? Are you finally numb?

When you finished, you felt as if something that was crushing your chest disappeared. Like it was never there. It's like you can breathe properly again.

The silence goes on for a few minutes, before Kyojuro speaks. "[Y/N]."

You turn to him. He was looking at you with such a fierce look. You admit he looked kind of scary.

"It's not your fault. It's never your fault. I'm sure you're comrades always wanted to say that to you." he finally turns his whole body towards you. "You're strong and human, and you can only do so much. You saved a lot of people from that demon. You also saved the demon from himself."

"Relight the flame of your heart - the heart of a demon slayer! Stand back up like how the burning sun would rise every morning. Even without you, your comrades are putting their hands on your back - putting their faith in you! For their sake, draw your sword and protect the weak from the evil by my side!"

You blink. The passionate speech moved you. He has a point. You're a demon slayer. You can't back down. You have to protect loads more of people. You have to save loads more of demons.

Your dull world was suddenly scorched in fire. Such beautiful colors flooded your vision, but for some reason, all you see was Kyojuro.

Then you realized that your flame has been relit already. It was just a tiny flame, so you didn't notice.

But that day, along with his loud introduction, barged into your heart to light a match.

"I mean...!" you snap out of your thoughts to see Kyojuro red in the face, but he was still smiling. "You don't have to do all the beside me! You can do it on your own! You don't need me! You're strong by yourself, so--"

You started laughing. At first, ut was a small snort until you bursted unto tears while laughing. "Oh, Kyo!" you finally calm down, wiping the tears from your face. You smile at a very red and confused Kyojuro. "Thank you. I would like to fight by your side as well."

~

You were dreading that your uniform might not fit anymore, since you haven't worn it for 5 months. But you gave a big sigh of relief when you were able to slip into it without ripping any if its sides.

"Kyo-kun!" the brazen haired pillar turned to see you. His eyes sparkled with adoration. It was an endearing sight for him. "I'm ready to train!"

He stares at you for a while, before crouching to move a stray hair from your face and tucked it behind your ear. "Don't let any of your hair in the way! It'll be difficult to train that way." his smile widens as he walks away, leaving you paralyzed and flustered. "And make sure to show your pretty face all the time!"

You run after him as you try to calm your heart down. What the hell was that?

And so, you trained under his supervision. You've changed and it was all thanks to Kyojuro. You were back to your usual self, but with more determination to go on missions.

Kyojuro has changed as well. You weren't sure if it was a good change or a bad change, but surely it must be bad since the outcome would always be you getting flustered?

But because of this change, you can't help but grow romantic feelings for the guy. Everything he's doing, you have no clue why he does it.

"Hah!" you pointed the wooden sword at him as he fell on the ground. "What happened? I don't think I actually beat you."

He grabs the other end of the wooden sword. "My aplogies! I got distracted. You're unusually pretty today." Your eyes widen. Another flirt? Again? You turn away in attempt to avoid his stare at your very red face. And because of this, you accidentally let your guard down. He notices and pulls the sword, making you fall on top of him.

Your face was inches from his. You swear, he can feel your heart beating out of your chest too fast. His radiant smile turned into a cocky one, only making your temperature rise. "Or maybe you should be the one apologizing for that?" he says in a low tone.

Fuck.

Fuck.

You quickly try to move away, but he doesn't let you. In fact, he only draws you closer to him by the waist. "Why are you escaping? You did this to me, [Y/N], how can you expect me to just let it go?"

"K-kyo, what's the meaning of this?" you timidly ask. The tone in your voice was obvious that you were begging him to stop.

He finally lets you go and sits in an indian position. He gives you time to cool off and calm yourself before he speaks. "[Y/N]." he says in a serious tone, making you snap towards him and sit with a perfect posture. Despite these little mishaps, you never forget where you're place is.

He breathes deeply, feeling his own heart beating out of his chest. "I like you."

"I'm sorry, what?"

Kyojuro just sits there, smiling again. "I'm afraid I can't say it again."

You heard it clearly the first time, you were just making sure you weren't deluding yourself or hearing things. You weren't sure whether to jump in joy or drown yourself in the river. "Am I in any position to hit you as of this moment?"

His smile widens. "You have a position in my heart. Is that okay?"

"Kyo!"

He laughs. "I'm really sorry, [Y/N]. I can't help myself. I just really like you."

You play with your hair as you avert your gaze, your cheeks covered in pink blush. It sent weird sparks to his heart to see such an adorable sight. "I-I like you too, Kyo..."

He was still smiling, but his eyes widen in shock. "You do?"

"Don't make me repeat what I said! It's embarassing enough as it is."

He holds your hand, making you look at him. He wore his warmest of smiles. "That makes me really really happy, [Y/N]."

~

So you did fight side-by-side when you're asked to go on a joint mission, but he mostly tried to protect you and wouldn't let you fight. You were happy together and had this amazing chemistry everyone admired, even on the battlefield. You were both very happy together and supported each other to this very day.

Even when he was gone.

° ° °

The boy sitting in front of you sniffled, wiping his tears with his green and black checkered haori. His demon sister patted his back as she also felt emotional herself.

"Er, should I get you some water?" you chuckle lightly.

They both shake their heads as they finished wiping their tears away. "Your love story is so touching, [L/N]-san! I'm sorry I couldn't protect him..." he lowers his head, gripping his uniform's trousers very tightly.

You notice this and wrap his hand around yours. He looks up to you just in time before he cries again.

"Tanjiro," You say with the warmest tone you can give him. "Do me a favor and smile."

He blinks cluelessly. "R-right now?"

You laugh lightly. "If you feel like it. Remember to smile even if it seems all hope is lost. Even in your darkest days, never forget to smile again. The sun sets, but it also rises. Be like the sun, Tanjiro, and give the weak the hope and light that they need.

"Be the match that will rekindle the flame inside their hearts, and until then, smile once more. Set your heart ablaze, Tanjiro, Nezuko."

He and Nezuko stares at you, but you trust that they understand.

By the entrance of your home, the kind boy bows. "I almost forgot! Rengoku-san wanted me to give this to you." he hands you a letter with your name written with his familiar hand-writing. "Thank you for everything, [L/N]-san!"

You wave at him as he walks away. You waited until his figure was as small as an ant before going back inside.

You sit on the engawa and open the letter.

"Be the happiest as you can be, [Y/N]. When I pass, find someone else. Make sure that person can protect you. You'll always be my flame."

A single tear streamed accross your face.

"I am the happiest that I can be, Kyo. And it's all because of that day when you revived the fire in my heart." you say, hugging the letter close to your chest.

Right where the fire is flickering.

Never realized how much Rengobro's death affected me when I started reasearching about him for this.

Next up for the refs, Maxim! A complicated design for a complicated man. My opinions on Maxim went from love to hate to “I wish you knew what you were doing;” he’s a really fun character, especially with the context of the Steel Prince comics. That being said, just like with the Danes I’ll be including design notes and headcanons under the cut, which may include spoilers for the comics; ergo POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR STEEL PRINCE. You have been warned. Also, my writing got really small on this ref, so I recommend clicking the image if you want to read the ref notes.

Anyways, on to Maxim!

- First up, hair. Maxim has a multitude of locks that all vary in length; he grew them out after he took the throne and has barely cut them since. There’s no specific way Maxim likes his hair, as he’ll arrange it into various different styles depending on his mood. The gold rings are actually there to help with this process, as they allow him to move each lock individually with his magic when he’s putting it up. This variable ring structure has the added bonus of creating a cool rippling effect when his magic activates; when Maxim quite literally gets heated, his influence spreads to the rings and any other small metal objects in the area, allowing his locks to shift in the heated air in an effect Rhy jokingly refers to as a “solar flare.” Maxim’s mood can actually be gauged purely by how much his hair moves or how warm he is, which is a trait his family finds endearing even if he himself finds it mildly annoying- after all, it’s difficult to come off as calm and composed if everyone in your kingdom knows your hair will give away how ticked off you are.

- As for his outfit, I love the asymmetrical geometric aesthetic put forth in the comics for Red London royalty; naturally, I leaned hard into this aesthetic and then immediately hid it all behind overly-complicated armor. Maxim is a huge armor nerd- anything metal is his specialty, and he prides himself immensely on both his armor and his weapons. He got his armor early in his youth and fiercely maintained it throughout his life until he was as attached to it as Kell was to his coat; he likes to swap parts around from multiple sets to create new looks. This is considered light armor for Maxim- at minimum he’ll have his crown and breastplate on. It’s very rare to catch him without any gear, but on the rare occasion one does, they’ll find he has a very similar outfit to Rhy, especially from the waist down. Fun fact, both he and Rhy’s pants are based on fencing knickers (fencing uniform pants), since both myself and VE Schwab are fencers. 

- Maxim has many scars from his time at the Blood Coast, including two nasty ones on his brow and nose. He used to be rather embarrassed by them until he met Emira, who loved his scars as a part of him and told him so constantly. Now, like his armor, they are a source of pride.

- Speaking of pride, Maxim takes a lot of it in how he looks, especially with his hair, eyes, and clothes. As such, Rhy learned most of his knowledge about maintaining his appearance from his father; the only thing Maxim couldn’t contribute to was Rhy’s hair care, as that is something his son has more in common with his mother. Maxim often wakes himself up by doing his hair and picking out his jewelry in the mornings, and if he’s feeling particularly bold he may even slip on some golden eyeshadow or a flashier necklace. Maxim has never mistaken the value of appearances in how someone feels about themselves either; he is liberal with compliments in the palace both to family and staff, as he knows someone does their best work when they feel happiest in their skin. He takes particular care to comment on Kell’s coat and hair, as he knows his adopted son’s appearance is a point of self-contention that he doesn’t want to foster. 

- Maxim’s sword is like Kell’s coat; he carries it everywhere- even to social functions- and is unashamedly fond of it. It is essentially the larger version of the royal half-sword that Maxim can wield in either hand (he’s ambidextrous!) and can even change the style of; if he wishes for it to be a two-handed sword, he only has to stretch the grip with his magic. Maxim can heat it forge-hot without it melting; in this state it’s incredibly dangerous and can cut through almost anything. There are two easter eggs in the runes on the sword, if anyone wants to look close enough to find them!

- All of Maxim’s stuff is sun-themed as a half-callback to the Maresh symbol, which has given him the additional title of the “Molten Sun,” an affectionate term used by guards to refer to their commander-in-chief. Maxim is really close to his guards and treats them as extended family; after all, he used to be one of them. He knows most of them by name and is fiercely protective of them- anyone who tries to mess with his staff as a whole is due for a personal warning from the king to desist, which is best heeded if one doesn’t want to drink their meals for a week.

- As said on the ref, Maxim is big. He spends a lot of his free time training as a nervous habit, which regardless of effect on his psyche keeps him in tip-top shape at all times. He’s easily as tall as Holland and is one of the few people Kell must stand upright with to look in the eye. He’s also immensely strong; this man could probably bench-press three guards in full armor with Emira sitting on top. I’ve seen some people suggest Athos alone could win in a fight against him before- maybe its due to the state of my own design for said Dane (in summary, scrawny as heck), but the only way I can see that going down in a one-on-one confrontation is with Athos getting punted like an angry white football. Personal preference, I guess.

- Now for personality! Maxim is a lover and a fighter, beloved and seen by all in his kingdom as a ray of sunshine, especially after the stormy clouds of his father’s cold and strict reign. He is as kind as he is tall and spends a lot of his time helping citizens solve problems or simply drifting around the palace, ready to aide his staff in their jobs. He’s vibrant and animated, too; the palace is often stirred to life when the sun rises by Maxim’s “quiet” singing as he heads towards the kitchens. Little does everyone know, behind that cheery and loving facade is an incredibly calculating individual. Maxim was born and raised only to be the perfect war king by his father Nokil with little personal care or respect for Maxim’s wishes, and though Maxim vowed to never be like him, some of Nokil’s parenting still unfortunately rubbed off. Maxim is always watching for threats and prepping for battle, mentally, physically, and otherwise; a threat to him or his kingdom is constantly around the corner, as far as he’s concerned. He must have a plan at all times or else he gets anxious and defensive, and if he’s backed into a corner, he’ll choose a risky course of action over no action at all (ergo, the Osaron fight). Maxim may be deeply loving, but he can’t help but see people’s worth to the kingdom first; when he’s feeling stressed it takes real effort for him to step back and see people as people instead of pawns he’s trying to get across the board.

- As far as hobbies go, Maxim doesn’t spend much of his free time on himself; he’s a full-time father, king, and husband, which leaves little room for downtime. Most of what he has left over he devotes to training, courtesy of his father’s horrible “kingdom-first” mindset that has still scars his adulthood. Still, Maxim does have a few interests he fosters; he loves cartography (a trait he shares with Kell) and likes to make his own maps by hand. He also loves chess, music, and gem/metal geology- if Emira wasn’t already in charge of the kingdom’s finances Maxim would have spent it all on new gemstone inlays or gold decorations. He’s still a fun-loving man, even if he doesn’t know how to spend much time on himself.

- Maxim is a very caring father and husband; he loves his family to bits and is completely devoted to them, even if he sometimes royally slips up when things get difficult. He and Emira both believe in equally sharing parental duties, so he spent a good chunk of his time when Kell and Rhy were growing right beside them, guiding them along. Contrary to what one may think, Maxim was the parent Kell was always closest to; they could often be found together in the map room, Kell watching with fascination as Maxim carefully traced the lines of landmarks and geographical features, switching his quill between hands when one grew too tired. Meanwhile, when Rhy wanted to hang out with his father, they both would spar with wooden swords or play games like hide-and-seek or chess together. It was only due to Maxim’s own poor father that Maxim was unable to properly communicate with Kell post-ADSOM; he simply assumed a little distance would do them both good, unaware that he was both continuing a cycle of neglect by repeating his father’s mistake and giving Kell the one thing he didn’t need (for those who don’t know, Nokil- Maxim’s dad- sent Maxim to the most dangerous part of the empire, the Blood Coast, because Maxim disobeyed him. Maxim emotionally did something very similar in AGOS by treating Kell coldly). Nonetheless, Maxim never stopped considering Kell a son and recognized his mistake; unfortunately, by the time he saw his error in the cells, he was in too deep to give Kell the freedom he needed and Kell was too angry to try and compromise until circumstances were more favorable. Maxim also never stood up for Kell against Emira; between his wife and his son, he always assumed Kell was the stronger of the two and would eventually stand up for himself. This, as we all know, turned out to be false, and Maxim regretted it for the rest of his life that he never tried to talk to Emira about her treatment of the second son of the Maresh family. 

So yeah, sorry for the long wall of text! I really like Maxim as a character (even if I acknowledge he struggles badly as a parent) so I wanted to give him more depth and a design worthy of his complexity. I hope you enjoyed it; if anyone has any questions or comments I’d love to hear them!

Dear Charlie,

TW // Mention of suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, self harm, alcohol, drug use, eating disorder

First of all I am so sorry this has to be the first letter of the year, I wanted this year to have a great start, I really wanted this letter to be about how excited I am/was about my future and all the things I´ve learned about life and myself for these past months but if I don’t get this out of my head I will just feel worse.

You see I was genuinely feeling better, I was reading, I cut my hair as I always wanted and also making peace with my body and trying to eat healthy without skipping any of my meals. I know this doesn’t seem like a lot but for me it’s the happiest I’ve ever been in years. I guess I could say 2020 wasn’t that bad for me although it’s just because 2019 was one of the worst years. In fact, I wrote you a letter about all the things that happened to me that year, that has to be here somewhere among all these letters, and long story short I relapsed on self harm, I wasn’t eating, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and it was just horrible.

The worst part of all was a day after Christmas that I was having dinner with my family, they started talking about something I don’t remember and somehow they end up talking about myself and how I never tell them about my problems and they started asking questions and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I was thinking of which part of my fucked up life to talk about, would it be the suicidal thoughts? or the way my classmates fucked up my reputation because I didn’t like back one of those boys? or maybe about all the abusive relationships I’ve had with boys who treat me like shit and make me feel so little? or perhaps about how I felt in love with a girl in high school and since then I realized I’m bisexual? or what about the eating disorder I developed at 13?

I felt like I was gonna explode if I didn’t tell them the truth so I chose the suicidal thoughts and I thought maybe it had to happen so I can finally receive the help that I needed.  I have never cried like that day, my throat hurt like the words were burning me, I couldn’t breath, my heart was racing and at the same time I felt a bit of liberation.

My parents cried too, they said some things I don’t remember anymore. I guess the only thing I remember now it’s they said: “don’t worry, we’re gonna get you help.” And for once I trusted them and waited but the help never came. To this day they act as if it has never happened, I didn’t tell anybody about that, not even my closest friends, but I keep thinking about that day. I can’t look into my father’s eyes without thinking he’s pity about me, or being alone with my mother because I’m afraid she talks about it and said I’m just faking it or that it’s just because of hormones, I can’t even sit in the place at the table that used to be mine since I was a kid, I can’t have a single moment of joy with my siblings because I always think I’m supposed to take care of them, not them taking care of me. I think I failed to both of them and they’re who I love most in this world.

I know it’s pathetic I can’t stop reliving that terrific day but I’m just mad as fuck with myself and my parents, and everyone around me. Charlie, I simply don’t understand how they can tell me they love me to my face but not make a single effort to help me, does that mean I am as alone as I think? Why did I think it was a good idea to talk with them about it?

My dear friend I’m so sorry about writing all this shit to you but I’ve got more to say. On January 6th of this new year my uncle tried to kill himself. He’s been a bad person almost all his life but recently life’s been treating him like shit, his wife left him (it wasn’t a good relationship both of them are shitty people but i bet that hurt him), he can’t find a job, he’s been consuming lots of alcohol and told his siblings he used to do cocaine, he moved in with my grandpa but grandpa got tired of his shit and asked him to leave, he got arrested and a lot of other stuff.

I’m not saying I’ve got it worse than him or that he got it worse than me because at the end of the day we both have shitty lives and our problems affect us in a different way, neither of us deserve having these voices inside our heads. What I’m saying is this kinda stuff happens to everyone, it happened to me, a 21-year-old person who is about to graduate from uni and seems to have their life together and it also happened to him, a 40-something-years-old man who maybe shows more signs of it. We both need help, we both are in danger.

The only difference it’s he actually tried to end it and I’ve never crossed that line because I know if I do it nothing is going to be the same and I had think a lot about the consequences, and also as some girl said, although suicide is seen as cowardice it takes a lot of courage to just try it and I don’t have it. But Charlie does that mean I am not suffering? Or that I am okay? Because I don’t feel like that at all.

As I said earlier in this letter mom and dad never helped me, I’ve been learning to help myself since June, because on my birthday (July) I always feel sad but I didn’t want to feel that way last year so I tried really hard, and it almost worked. The day of my birthday my uncle got arrested and mom went running to solve his problems and left me with my siblings. I understood it because she had to be there but it still hurt.

This time I am really trying to take care of myself because I finally realized I cannot count on them. I have to take care of myself, otherwise I’ll always be fucked up. I wanna be myself without worrying about my weight, how I look, the way I laugh, if I have friends, if I love women or men, if I am even a woman.I want to be enough for me. I want to just stop giving a fuck about what people think of me. I want to do all the things I once dreamt about. I want to dress however the fuck I want to dress. I want to sing, dance and write without being afraid I don’t have the talent. I want to love myself. I want to be myself. But Charlie, why do I feel so mad at my parents and my uncle?

After January 6th my mom constantly talks to him and asks him how he is feeling and you know what? She’s even searching for a psychiatrist and a job so he doesn’t try it again. Am I being a shitty person Charlie? I hate feeling this way, I shouldn’t be jealous of my mom’s brother but I am. What did I do wrong? Why didn’t they help me? Is it the fact that I just think about it but I didn’t try to really do it? Do I have to show them the scars that I gave myself on my wrists,arms, ankles and hands? Do I have to tell them about the times I drank brandy all alone until I felt numb? Do I have to talk about the parties where I drank vodka like water just to feel free and stop thinking? What do I have to do to get that promised help?

I am just so tired and angry with them seeing me as a joke, but I guess it’s my fault for trust them with something this big. I shouldn’t have told them in the first place. Why did I think the man who so many times said I am a drama queen would help me? Why did I think the woman who always reminds me of my defects would help me? And I’m so mad at myself for giving a fuck about what they think of me.They didn’t give a fuck about me at 13 when my life started falling apart and they will not care for me now.

I’m so fucking sorry I write all of this shit in the first letter of the year, I really wanted it to be special. I promise you, my dear Charlie I will get better. I will not let this fucked up head of mine listen to that shit anymore. I must save myself.

All the love as always,

Dorian.

Survey #296

“reality’s a plague; we’re the medication”

How are you doing in this time of COVID19? Do you personally know anyone who is not taking COVID19 seriously? Tired of it. Don’t see an end to it. I know a bunch of dumbasses who don’t take it seriously at all. What do you think of TikTok? Have you jumped on it yet? Why or why not? I don’t have an opinion on it. What hobby or interest of your significant other do you have ZERO interest in? What about something you actually think might be fun or something you actually picked up thanks to them? If you don’t have an SO, you can think of a relative or friend as an example instead. No s/o, sooo I’ll use best friend instead. Tbh I can’t say I have ZERO interest in anything she likes… If it makes her happy, I’m thankful for it. To answer the second half, she definitely got me into Wings of Fire. Have you ever felt affected by the death of a celebrity or public figure? If so, who? Do you remember when you found out and what was your reaction to it? Steve Irwin comes to mind very quickly. I remember exactly who told me and where I was. I was heartbroken. He was my childhood hero. Did you ever get called horrible names like whore, skank, bitch? I’ve been called a bitch. I remember one occasion as a kid where I was called fat for breaking a swing, even though I was a normal size. The swing was just old. It affected me though, for sure. Where did you sleep last night? My bed. Ever slow danced with anyone? Yes. Who is the last person to send you a message on Facebook? The woman I took pictures for a few weeks back. She’s a sweetheart. Have you ever been given roses? Yeah. Ever been called babe/baby? Yeah. Who was the last person to smoke something other than a cigarette or weed in front of you? No one’s ever smoked anything else in my presence. Does anything on your body hurt? My knees. They pretty much always do. Who is your favorite family member on your mom’s side? My uncle Rob. Who was the last person you were under a blanket with? Sara. Which of your friends is the most likely to get pregnant right now? I feel like all of them that are “likely” literally are pregnant right now lmao. My Facebook is like a new pregnancy announcement once a week, it seems like. Have you ever been called prince/princess? Ew, no. Have you kissed anyone when you’re single? No. Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship? Nooo, I have no interest in being “that person.” What would you call your body type? Let’s not think about this. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yeah. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? I don’t think I could. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? I don’t believe so. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? My parents fought all the time. Separated when I was… 17, I wanna say? Have you ever had any volunteer jobs? Ha. Attempts, anyway. Both were animal-related, and I was so excited to become a regular helper, but my weak-ass body couldn’t handle either. Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you? I never actually thought of it this way, but yes. Flirting like that was absolutely cheating. Describe how you feel about your life in the past month using one word: Stuck. Are you feeling guilty about anything right now? I always have guilt nowadays. When was the last time you saw someone attractive? In person? Hm. I think a about a month back when I took family pictures for someone. The kids’ dad was pretty cute. Are you okay with the life you live? Nope. What other piercings would you get other than the ones you already have? Fuuuuck dude, I want a lot. Many more in my ears, dermals in my collarbones (the #1, ahhh, but I want to lose weight first so you can see the contrast), it’d be nice to have a nose ring that fucking stayed in, I would LOVE an undereye microdermal if I ever change to contacts again, sometimes I think about an eyebrow piercing if I kept my eyebrows thinner… man, there’s a lot. I just love body mod. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? No. Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? HEEEEEEEEEEEELL NO. Is your present hair color natural? Sadly yes. Do you follow a certain religion? No. Do you listen to any country music? Noooo. It’s so weird remembering that I loved it as a kid. Have you ever lived on a farm? No. Do both of your parents have jobs? Dad does, but Mom is currently on disability due to recovering from cancer. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? Ummm. I dunno. What do you wish you had more knowledge about? Politics. Is there anyone you’re not over and feel like you never will be? I doubt I’ll ever be fully over him. But I feel it’s understandable. When’s the last time you were really late to something? Hm. Dunno. Do you sing a lot? I sing veeery rarely. Do you think you have an addictive personality? I have a very addictive personality, yes. What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Pokemon, easily. What are you planning on eating for dinner tonight if you haven’t already? I don’t know. When was the last time someone took your picture? *shrugs* Do you eat chili when you get a hotdog, or do you like it plain? I eat them with ketchup and mustard, not chili. Would you say it’s easy for people to make you smile or laugh? I’m unsure… but I lean towards no. Do you and your friends normally say you love one another? Hell yeah. I’m so for platonic “I love you”s. What was the worst news you’ve heard this entire week? I'm not sure about "worst," honestly. I've mostly just heard mild inconvenience type things. Have you ever been in a car wreck? Yes. Has anyone ever told you that they think you have ADHD? Actually, yes, by maybe my second psychiatrist. She was fucking looney; I could see ADD, but ADHD was ludicrous. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? I cut off connections with my dad for years after the divorce. Is there anyone out there who has hurt you so much, you wish they’d die? Yeesh, no. How many times have you been drunk in your life? None. Are you a happy person? Not really. Have you cried yourself to sleep? Oh yeah. Have you been in trouble with the law/jail time? No. At what age did you become sexually active? Maybe like, 16 1/2? Have you been in a loving relationship? Yes. Have you been in an abusive/bad relationship? No. Who would you die for? Quite a large handful of people, really. Have you ever been in a gang? Nooooo thanks. Who do you dream about most? Annoyingly, Jason. When are you happiest? When I'm hyperfixated on a new interest. Do you answer the phone by saying anything besides "hello?" Not unless it's family, really. Then I'll just be like "hey" or "what's up?", something along those lines. Do you get mad easily? No. What is your favorite song right now? I'm pretty hooked on "ULTRAnumb" by Blue Stahli. Do you wear glasses or contacts? If you wear both, which do you prefer, and why? I wear glasses. I've worn contacts before, they're just too tedious for me. Would you rather be buried or cremated? Cremated, please. Ever done karaoke? Did you like it? No. Goriest movie you've ever seen? Probably some SAW film. Is anything in your room purposely hidden? No. Have you ever been pranked via hidden camera? No. Do you like oatmeal raisin cookies? No, anything with raisins is disgusting. What age do you think is too old to still live with your parents? "It depends on the situation." <<<< This. Have you ever loved a boy who was dating some other girl? I certainly still loved Jason when he was with his girlfriend after me. Is your hair all the same color? Yeah, pretty much. When it was longer, I had natural highlights, but now that it's so short, ig it's hard for them to exist. Denim, leather or varsity jacket? I have desperately wanted a leather jacket since middle school. They're just expensive, at least the ones I like. Do you clean things that are already clean when you're bored? Ha, no. I'm not gonna clean without reason. Have either of your parents ever been to jail? No. What TV shows do you keep up with? None. Would you rather have a wiener dog or an Italian greyhound? Absolutely a greyhound, if I wanted a dog and had room for one of those. Do your parents buy you most anything you want? Most definitely not. I'm not even comfortable asking for things at my age. Have you ever tried to jump a fence? I have jumped fences, as a kid. Do you like the movie Zootopia? I do. Do you ever go on Pinterest? Rarely. What's the last kind of chocolate you ate? A sea salt dark chocolate w/ caramel filling Ghiradelli square from Christmas. Can you speak any unusual languages? No. Did you do gymnastics in elementary school? No. Have you ever performed in front of a large audience? Yeah; I was in dance classes for a long time, so we had recitals and went to competitions. I never did a solo, though. I was going to my senior year (senior solos are typical), but I got too nervous to continue with it. It was to "Coma White" by Marilyn Manson. Do you like BBQ sauce? Ugh, I hate it. Last time you wore the opposite sex's clothing? Right now. I always wear men's pj pants. Are you currently fighting with someone? No. Have you ever kept anything wild as a pet? When I was little, I know my sisters and I kept a box turtle that wandered into our yard for a while. We eventually let it go. Then when I would go fishing with Dad, one of my absolute favorite things to do was try to catch the minnows and tadpoles in my hands, and so I had a fishbowl of those. Don't keep wild animals, please. Do you set good examples for little kids? Probably not. Does your house have a pool? No, but I REALLY want one. It would be so helpful in strengthening my legs without sweating my ass off and feeling like I'm going to collapse. When you were younger, were you ever in a relationship with someone you now realize was way too old for you? No. Have you ever had a seizure? No, but I've actually had very short (I mean like, a second), sudden spasms when lying down that feel like what I assume a seizure to feel like. I think it's a side effect of my nightmare medication. What's the longest hotel stay you've ever had? Not long at all. Just a few days. Do any of your friends or family members have strange occupations? Maybe? What small thing makes you automatically distrust someone? Making dark/dangerous jokes. Of all the states/provinces in your country, which one is your favorite? I haven't been to nearly enough to know. Have you ever had to wear a school uniform? In middle school. Would you rather sleep on the top bunk or bottom bunk? My fat ass ain't getting in the top bunk. Are you close with your cousins? None, really. Are you close to any aunts or uncles? Also not really, but one of my mom's brothers is closest to that. Are you close to your grandparents? They're all dead, but I wasn't very close to any. I never really see my extended family. What was your favorite thing to do at sleepovers when you were younger? Go swimming, if they had a pool. If they didn't or it just wasn't up, I liked playing two-player video games. Do you know what you want to do for your next birthday? Probably go to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner and dessert with family and just chill at home for most of the day. What is the last new thing you discovered that was really good? Peanut butter fudge, like holy shit. Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? No. What is the best hairstyle you've ever had? What I have now. Do you think you look better with dyed hair or natural hair? DYED. Do you think your look better with curly hair or straight hair? Straight. Have you ever won a contest? Yes. How many drawers does your dresser have? Five. Do you do your own taxes, or do you hire a professional? N/A What song hit you so hard that you remember where you were the first time you heard it? Oh man, what a question. Music can affect me very deeply, so honestly there's probably a number that fit this criteria if I thought for long enough, but I'm not gonna spend ten minutes trying to pick the best one. "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White will do, I guess because that was probably the most recent. I don't let myself listen to it, even though I love it. It'll only drag me into a trauma pit. What's your "brand" of fictional character, the type you always get attached to (ex., "perky girls with deep-seated mental health issues," "guys who you would want as an older brother," etc.)? Totally the sarcastic and usually well-composed villain. If you use Spotify, share your 2020 Wrapped! What are your overall feelings about it? Is it what you expected? I don't use it. If you’re a ~gamer~, what are your top 3 all-time favorite games? Silent Hill 2, Shadow of the Colossus, and Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs. What’s the biggest red flag you’ve ever ignored? I dunno; I'm pretty good at listening to those. What’s something extremely bizarre you believed as a very young child? It's fucking embarrassing that I went through this many-years-long "I have animal powers given to me by a wolf I made up!!!" thing, holy god. Like, I thought I could "activate" traits of certain animals. Kids are fuckin wild, but I was exceptionally so. What is the biggest conflict in your life right now? With myself. Through a lot of digging with my therapist, she got me to realize that I don't feel that I'm rightfully lovable because I'm not "successful" and "going nowhere." It hit like a ton of fucking bricks when I understood the "why" of feeling like that. Like don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm a bad person that is worthy of being hated, but totally deserving of pure love, no. So my therapist has me tell myself "I am lovable" in the mirror every morning, and I don't believe it. I'm trying to, but every time I'm just like "lol but are you really?" If you could change your current life schedule to incorporate more or less time for certain things, how would you do so? Do you feel like you have a well-structured and well-balanced schedule at the moment? My schedule is embarrassing, truly. I wake up, get on the computer, go to bed, and that's just about it, taking care of bodily needs being sprinkled in there throughout. I want to change it so, so badly, but I'm just... so set in my ways. I want to incorporate at least 30 minutes of daily reading, and I've yet to start my Wii Fit exercising because I'm waiting for Mom to move into her room (she stays and sleeps in the living room rn) because I do NOT like exercising in front of ANYBODY. I don't care if she gave birth to me. I also want to spend less time just hopping between websites on the laptop just because I can't find anything to do. It'd be nice to draw more, too... but for that, I really need to like the idea of what I'm drawing to stay even slightly motivated. There's probably more to this, but yeah, that's enough. What filler words do you find yourself using most often ("um," "you know," etc.)? "Um" or "uh," probably. I fumble over my words so much as well as just total derail on what I'm talking about that filler words are very, very common for me. When was the last time you felt let down? What were your expectations about the given situation that weren't met? Ugh, so apparently when my laptop was fixed, a lot of things were reset, and that included Lightroom, my primary photography editing software. I lost all my presets and I initially thought pictures too, but thank Christ I had a backup dialogue. I'm still pretty annoyed, because I can't find my favorite free LR download site. I didn't at all expect my laptop to be affected as heavily as it was, just getting a new DC port... If you enjoy taking and editing photos, how would you describe your editing style? This greatly depends on the subject matter and composition, but I feel a common theme is I enjoy vibrance. I war with myself a lot if I make them too saturated, but idk. Have you ever been inspired by a celebrity to change something about your appearance (your clothing style, hairstyle, etc.)? Is much of your taste/style inspired by celebrities? If not, what else serves as an inspiration for you? Ha! Guys, I'm not going to bullshit you, when I got into GMM, I loved Link's big, "nerdy" glasses so much that I became very curious as to how they'd look on me. Years later, I still kept the style and think they've looked best on me of all my glasses. I love them. For the second question, no, not really. My personal aesthetics dictate my style selections. When was the last time you felt a friendship was petering out? If a friendship seems to be fizzling, do you go out of your way to try to "save it," or do you accept that it may have just reached its natural conclusion? Ugh. This has happened in so very many of my friendships that I don't even like thinking about it. If we're talking the most recent time, I suppose with Alex. She just started talking to me less and less before vanishing (to clarify, she's an online friend). Considering just how poorly I handle loss, I'm the type to always try to save friendships I still cherish. Who is your favorite contemporary writer, author, poet, thinker? I don't know. What are your thoughts on body positivity vs. body neutrality? I believe in seeing your body and loving it for all it does, considering it's a masterpiece of biology, but, I also feel it is vital to consider its health. In other words, no, I do not think morbidly obese or emaciated individuals should think their body is... I can't think of the right word, really. "Ideal," I suppose? And keep in mind: this is coming from an obese person. I don't want someone to tell me "your body is perfectly fine!" or "you should just accept you the way you are!" when I spend almost every minute of every day thinking to some degree about how much I hate my fucking weight. No, I don't want to be convinced I should settle and neglect the wellbeing of the one body I have, but I in no way support bashing or being rude to people who are unhealthy, either. I feel like my stance on this is kinda hard to explain. Just respect your body as well as others' and their efforts to treat it the best they can. Do you enjoy keeping secrets from people, like having something about yourself that no one else knows? I mean, I don't enjoy it... I'd prefer to have none. If you play video games, what do you usually like to play? If you don't play video games, do you like watching others play? If so, what? I really like horror games, more than any. Fantasy ones with dragons and gods and the like are awesome, too. I don't enjoy a lot of games that are pretty much just movies with player decisions that barely affect the ending (I do like watching these, though), nor do sportsy or action things normally do it for me. It's by serious luck that I'm an avid World of Warcraft player, because I don't tend to like very grindy games, but I suppose WoW is an exception with the absolutely endless options of what you can do. Onto the second part of the question: totally. I wouldn't watch let's plays if I didn't, and I grew up loving to watch my dad and brother play. I'll watch an even wider variety of games than I play, but it more so depends on who the person is versus what they're playing, because whom I watch is controlled by whether or not/how much I enjoy the individual themselves. What are three things you like about nature? Just three? Damn... Well, the easiest I suppose can be summed up in a quote: "As above, so below." All is tied together. I could go on a romantic monologue about the beauty of our connection to the infinite stars we look upon and the ground we stand on, but I'll spare ya that poem. I love, love, love the sounds of nature: birds chirping, zephyrs through the trees, the crunching of fall leaves. All of it. Then, there's the power of nature! I live for those pictures of nature just taking the Earth back: desolate homes eaten by vines, all that. To call nature merely "spectacular" is truly an act of disrespect, pretty much. What do teenagers have right now that you wish you had when you were their age? Hm. I guess better phones.

I kind of agree with the other Annonymous writer, I have both your ex and your feed. She apologizes for the things she did wrong and never says a bad word about you. She fully admits to things. It does feel wrong to keep calling her out as an abuser because she has been getting targeted and crucified because of your words. Is that not just as bad really? Friends and family, of course, will always take your side ALWAYS. You should listen to your heart. I am sure you loved her once.

I’ll be honest, I wrote a really angry stream of consciousness response to this, deleted it, considered not answering this at all, wrote out an actual response, told myself I didn’t owe it to anyone to explain, deleted that, and then wrote it again. Maybe this is my fault for talking about it or referencing it on here, but I never used her url or name, and I never went into detail. I saw it as me using my own blog to express my feelings, which, maybe I shouldn’t have. So I’m sorry if that’s the case. i was never “calling her out,” simply expressing my own feelings on my personal blog, i’m sorry if that was irresponsible. But I am not okay with the messages I’ve been getting lately. This is one of...5 similar ones sitting in my inbox rn? So I am NOT answering this to put my ex on blast or to target and crucify her, and I DON’T owe this explanation to anyone but for my own peace of mind I’m going to explain! (under a read more for abuse tw)

First of all, even if she DID admit to things she did wrong and apologizes for them, it doesn’t make it...not abuse? I seriously doubt she’s getting targeted and crucified, I haven’t posted her URL on here, haven’t even used her NAME, and her family and friends were extremely supportive of her and her actions when all this was happening.

It took me MONTHS to even be able to consider labeling what happened as abuse. Even after my therapist, my family, my friends, EVERYONE who knew about even a FRACTION of what was going on, had said that it was categorically emotional abuse I still felt like i was exaggerating or asking for attention. and to be honest, I still feel like that! 

My ex was insecure. I wrote everything that happened off as her being insecure for SO long, because every time I brought up an issue she would say I “wasn’t supporting her,” and that I should “know how it felt” because of my own issues with mental illness. But when I look back at some of the things that happened-I went to visit my sister back in September, and when I told my ex, she threatened to break up with me if I went. She also threatened to break up with me after my sister gave me a string bracelet she’d made me before leaving for college, because my ex thought that if I put it on, I’d be “replacing her.” I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my family in any capacity unless she was there. I wasn’t allowed to have other friends, I wasn’t even allowed to spend time by myself. She got angry if I spent time on homework, if I went home to do laundry, even if I wanted to sleep. She would say I’d rather sleep than spend time with her, so I was averaging 5 hours of sleep on a GOOD night. she lived about 30 minutes away from me, and I work a lot of night shifts. 

I would often go home before going to her place to change, feed my frog, etc, and she would get FURIOUS over this. She forced me to keep my location services on at all times, despite my telling her that it made me incredibly anxious and paranoid. If she saw me at my parents’ house, my apartment, the store, ANYWHERE without me having told her that I was going there, she would call me until I picked up and explained. 

She forced me to put her fingerprint into my phone so that she could go through my phone whenever she wanted. When I expressed discomfort, I was told both by her and her mother (who genuinely thought everything I’m outlining was an okay way to treat someone, which made it really hard for ME to tell that it wasn’t because I was surrounded on all sides by people telling me the opposite) that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue. She read through old chats of mine, and got upset about things I’d said to people before I’d even MET her-telling my friends I loved them, etc. She would monitor my social media activity, and if I was active somewhere and hadn’t messaged her back in a few minutes, she would call me repeatedly until I picked up. If I didn’t pick up immediately-If I was in class, at work, asleep, etc, she would later cite that as a reason she couldn’t trust me.  There was one morning where I woke up and she had turned my alarm off, and was on my phone scrolling through my phone calls and asking why I had called a certain number the day before but hadn't called her (I had called my dentist's office to reschedule an appointment.) While I was at work, she texted me calling me a fucking asshole and a cheater, based off of this situation alone.

I’m an art major, and I draw a lot! I like drawing portraits, I’ll sketch people in class, etc, and when she saw that she would accuse me of being in love with the nameless stranger I’d sketched in the coffee shop or something. She told me that the figure drawing class I was taking was “basically cheating,” to the point that I dropped out of it. She would go through my sketchbook constantly, which is something that’s very personal to me and I told her this. She once again cited that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it should be fine. She got angry at me for drawing fictional characters, even guys, which. I’m a lesbian! But she would get jealous and have a meltdown. 

She CONSTANTLY accused me of looking at other girls in public, even though I truly never was. I was driving us home from somewhere once, and looked in my sideview mirror to merge lanes, and she thought I was checking out the girl who was walking by on the sidewalk and blew up at me. Multiple times, she would get upset at me while we were driving somewhere and try to jump out of my moving car over an issue such as the one I just mentioned. 

She would get mad when I wore makeup to class or work, or even dresses or nice clothes. I would tell her that I just LIKED that dress, or that I just enjoyed doing makeup, and she would say I was only doing it to ‘impress other girls.’ On the other hand, she got upset several times when I DIDN’T wear makeup when we went out, because she said I wasn’t making an effort for her. 

She got upset at me when I didn’t finish meals, which she said triggered her own issues. I explained several times that my own anxiety (not food-related, just general) messed with my appetite a LOT, and made it hard for me to eat sometimes. 

She also gets mad when I don't finish my food, and stuff like that. I get that that's because of her eating disorder, obviously, but she still takes it out on me. All of this, when I react defensively or show that I'm hurt by her accusations, she says that i'm not giving her the "reassurance" she needs.

When I brought any of this up, she would have a melt down and cite her insecurities and mental health issues. I have major anxiety and depression issues, I've been hospitalized for it before and go to therapy once a week and am also on a lot of medication for it. When I had depressive episodes, bad days, or anxiety attacks, she would often get mad at me, and said I was sulking, or she said that it must mean I didn’t love her because she didn’t make me happy enough. I usually ended up comforting her over it.

On the anxiety note, I also tend to break out in a rash on my chest and neck when I'm anxious, and I will clarify that this looks NOTHING like hickeys. My neck gets red and blotchy, and I get itchy. when this happens, she LOST it every time without fail, melting down and telling me over and over "stop lying! just tell me who it was who did you do this with," etc, etc.

She told me that if we broke up, she would probably let her own mental health issues get worse, and would stop eating all together. She also flat out LIED about this when I brought it up later, saying that I was the one who had threatened to hurt myself if we broke up. She told me this, and other people this, and made up similar stories, so much that I started to believe it. I was apologizing for my own existence by the end of it, for every word out of my mouth, I was going crazy. I didn’t even REALIZE how bad it was, until I mentioned to my sister that I hadn’t driven the 30 mins over to her house one night due to the bad weather, and she had called me and called me until I picked up, forced me to send her pictures of the roads(?) and then said she’d “rather have someone who would drive on bad roads for her.” This wasn’t even near the worst thing that had happened, but the fact that my sister CRIED over that made me take a step or two back. And I left. Like...a few weeks after that. and it was HARD, it was the hardest thing I”ve EVER had to do, because i GENUINELY thought I was condemning someone to die. Like she fucked me up that bad! I still feel guilty. But I did it! She told me that nobody else would ever love me like her, that nobody would accept my mental health issues, etc, but guess what! I did it! 

And she STILL tried to contact me, refused to leave me alone, showed up at my WORK with a letter and flowers wanting to work it out (and sure she says this was romantic, whatever, but she forced me to unblock her number and hug her and now cites that as me “still feeling the same”) and made like...several different accounts to message me on here after I kept blocking the new ones she made. 

I have NO idea what she’s saying about me, and I don’t care. I want more than anything to move on. I hope she’s happy, I do! I get really, really, angry about it sometimes and I feel horrible for the way her isolating me made me cut off some very important people in my life. I’m still hurting, but i’m HAPPY. I want to move on, I don’t want this to be who I am, it doesn’t define me and I’d love to move on and meet other people and not have this fucking haunting me! And she keeps finding ways to bring it up. I wish her no ill will, and I”m not saying she’s a bad person. I’m not! But I am entitled to my feelings in the matter, I”m allowed to say that it sucked, I’m ALLOWED to say that it was abuse because there are things that happened that I haven’t even told my therapist, because it’s too hard to think about. I’m allowed to move on. Please, please allow me to move on. 

I’m not going to answer anything else about this, maybe I shouldn’t have talked about it in any capacity on here, maybe that’s my fault. But please stop messaging me about it. 

Can you make an angst scenario where Jisoo is heartbroken because she thought the reader was cheating on her.. but the reader actually wasn’t. To make it up, there would be smut.. with dom!reader and sub!jisoo. For details of smut; overstimulation, strap on ( for reader ).. or do however you like! Thank you! Love your work so darn much.. I’m obsessed with you honestly.

I`m late but welp, it took a while, sorry. I`m not a big fan of straps, so you`ll get something different instead:)

Warnings: smut, overstimulation, choking.

Jisoo was always a calm person.

She never screamed, she never threw furniture or plates when she was upset.

She was never a one to provoke or get angry.

She never did any Jennie-type things when being mad.

Jisoo liked to think it through, sitting with a cup of tea or a cold coffee.

She liked to be the most reasonable one. Cold-headed.

She handled things silently, by herself, no matter the issue.

Your relationship was easy at this point, perfect even.

Lisa was always envious seeing how you two were never mad at each other while she had to deal with screaming Jennie at 4 am.

She still didn’t find the right way to approach her upset girl.

And Jisoo?

Jisoo was smart.

And she instantly realized what she had to do when you were being unreasonable, an annoying ass or just acted like a bitch.

She treated you with a complete silence until you realize your mistake and rectify matters.

It was easy - your silent ‘quarrel’ routine. And you got used to it pretty quickly.

She was suddenly being nonverbal? You looked back at your actions and everything was fixed in a minute.

But you didn`t know this side of her had a huge disadvantage.

Until now.

You should have known better and just ask her what her problem was.

But you were too stubborn to submit. Especially if she was being unreasonable?

She has been treating you with silence all-day and you were sick and tired of her little nods and hand waves. What a communication with your girlfriend!

You`ve revised all of your actions, all conversations, events - none of it gave you an answer to what was wrong.

You even asked the girls for help but they were just as clueless as you because Jisoo refused to explain anything to them.

You felt horrible and couldn`t even work to the fullest today.

Each time you heard her voice when she was talking to someone but you - it was breaking your heart.

Yet that was also making you furious.

By the end of the day, you were fed up with her silence and decided to finally give up and ask her what was wrong.

All five of you were watching a movie and you couldn`t help but huff angrily when Jisoo answered Rosie`s question and didn`t even look your way when you addressed her.

When you yanked her off the couch and dragged to your spare room she yelped but obeyed.

Jennie was about to complain at your sudden outburst but stayed silent when you sent her a death glare.

Shutting the door, you slammed Jisoo against the hardwood, enjoying the way her eyes filled with black - a sign that she was ‘falling’ too quickly.

“What was that, Jisoo? Answer me” You husked in her ear and felt her shivering.

“What was what?” She whispered back, looking away and definitely trying not to fall deeper into the subspace. You grinned.

“Oh, are we talking now? Interesting.” You tilted your head to the side, your lips brushing the skin of her neck teasingly. She didn`t answer again.

“Don`t play with me now. What did I do to deserve a treating like that?” A knee between her hips made her breathe in desperately. “Hmm?”

“Really? Ask your friend Daniel, he seems to know everything, doesn`t he?”  Her brows furrowed when she looked at you again and you hummed, noticing how her eyes fell to your lips to follow the sound.

“Is it about him really? Is someone jealous I’ve been spending my free time with my best friend?” You cooed teasingly but frowned when a shadow crossed her face.

“Best friend? Yeah, with benefits it seams.” She whispered quietly, but you heard her loud and clear.

“What the hell Jisoo! Are you calling me a cheater now?” You couldn`t believe her. The shock was written all over your face.

She crossed her arms, looking away without a word and confirming your assumption.

“Oh my God, Soo, this is so uncalled for! I would never…You know what, I don`t even want to talk to you now, go-ahead, ignore me all you want.” You stood back, freeing her from your grasp, and turned away.

She gulped, fear rising in her chest as she realized her mistake. She stepped forward and you could swear she wanted to touch your back but stopped halfway through.

“I’m…No! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that! You were just spending too much with him and I don’t know what came over me, but these images of you with him alone made me so angry, I didn’t know what to do. And then Lisa said you two spent a whole day in your room when I was away, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about that…I’m sorry. I thought that maybe I wasn’t enough for you anymore and…” She was stuttering so much and it made your heartache. So you just turned around and looked into her sad eyes, silencing her with your intense gaze.

“You would never not be enough for me, Soo.” Your low voice made her jump slightly. You assumed she was afraid of you leaving her now, so you just stepped forward and kissed her lips passionately, erasing all of her doubts.

“You’re not mad at me?” She asked when you parted, trying to regain her breath.

“Oh, I am so mad, Soo. I was suffering for a whole day for something I didn’t even do. Do you think you’ll get away with it so easily? With just a kiss?” She swallowed nervously, getting lost in your eyes. “Nuh, baby. You’ll gonna get punished and I’ll make sure you learn your little lesson. Are we clear?” You brushed her ear lovingly with your fingers and smiled sweetly, knowing exactly that it was driving her insane - the contrast between your voice, your attitude and the meaning you put into your words.

“Uh…” She hesitated and you waited patiently, arching your eyebrow in question. “Yes, we are.”

“Good.” You brushed her face out of the way and kissed her forehead gently. “Now get on the bed and wait for me.” This sentence was slightly bolder and your low voice made Jisoo obey instantly.

She stripped off her clothes and hurried to climb on the bed, facing the wall. She knew the rules so damn well.

Her bare skin was calling for your attention and you turned away before you could lose control.

You made your way to the wardrobe, pulling out the black silk blindfold and smirking to yourself.

Your touch to her back shocked her a little because she didn`t hear you come close, but the moment her eyes were covered by the black piece of silk, she sighed almost in relief, shivering when your warm breath hit her neck.

“How are we feeling yet?” She hummed, nodding a little and you smirked, warmth spreading in your lower abdomen.

“Use your words, Soo.”

“I`m good.”

She answered in English and you chuckled, your fingertips dancing along her spine.

She always switched between different languages when being in a subspace. Her brain seemed to work on another level at those moments and you absolutely loved it.

“Now lie down and spread your knees for me.” You husked in her ear, brushing your fingers through her hair gently.

She did just that when you pulled back, giving her space to move freely. You sat down for a moment, admiring her incredible body in silence.

Jisoo squirmed beneath you impatiently, lifting her hips up a little. You ignored her, not giving her the slightest touch and removing your clothes instead.

“Y/N?”

“Shh.”  

Your palms found her knees, pulling them apart slowly.

“This is your punishment, remember?”

She didn`t answer yet again when you hovered over her neck, giving it a light bite and leaving a trace down her collarbone with your tongue.

“You were silent all day, baby, I need to hear your pretty voice.”

A moan finally escaped her lips when you reached her chest, diving right into teasing her with soft kisses. You paid special attention to her nipples, enjoying little rasps flying from Jisoo`s mouth every once in a while.

Her abdomen was one of the many things you loved about her and you made sure she knew just that when you left a hickey right above her belly button, earning a low growl.

“I was supposed to wear a crop top tomorrow.” You pulled away, making her whine at the loss of the contact.

“Try again.”

She whimpered, squirming.

“Please?”

“That`s better.”

You bit her hipbone and Jisoo pushed her hips apart, even more, making you realize she was literally dripping already.

“Please.”

She used English again and you finally moved your lips lower, enjoying the taste.

Jisoo arched her back, sighing blissfully. She tried to wrap her legs around your head but you pushed her down, pressing her hips to the mattress.

You didn`t fasten the pace of your tongue even when she whined, feeling that your actions weren`t enough anymore to satisfy her needs.

You broke the character when her hand unintentionally flew to her clit, making you frown.

“What was that, Jisoo?” You stopped and looked at her properly. Her hair was in a mess, lips swollen and mouth agape.

You didn`t see her eyes, but she looked desperate and that was exactly what you needed.

“ I`m uh…It hurts. Please, I need you.” She whimpered, her fingers now squeezing the sheets. “Please.”

“And I’ve just started…” You dive into her again, adding two fingers this time and earning a small ‘Yes.’

You teased her for about a minute and then started to build up the pace. Jisoo seemed to forget about the girls in the living room and began using her vocal cords.

You didn`t give it a second thought, enjoying a sound and fastening your movements.

Jisoo seemed to be close to her peak when you suddenly stopped your movements, leaving her only with open-mouthed kisses.“No, no, no…” She huffed angrily but you reminded her who was in charge by slapping her hip slightly.

Her ‘No’s turned into pleadings and you literally felt her throb on your tongue. It gave you a headlight to start your motions and you repeated your work one more time, leaving her on the edge again.

“I`m losing my mind.” She rasped, breathing heavily and you grinned wickedly, feeling your tongue starting to hurt a little.

You moved up, kissing her lips eagerly and swallowing her moan when you entered her with three fingers this time.“Breathe, baby.” You whispered near her ear, instructing her to prepare herself for a final round.

She gulped, filling her lungs with air and you gave her some time to adapt to your quick movements.

You felt her walls tighten around your fingers and you sat up, hovering above her and fastening your thrusts.

Your other palm went up to her throat, your fingertips pressing into the skin of her neck and cutting off the oxygen.

She held her breath for a few seconds when you stretched her deeper, pressing your hips down to help your hand.

Choking was definitely a new thing for both of you but she insisted on spicing thing up and who were you to say no to her when she asked so nicely?

Her back lifted from the mattress and you caught one of her nipples with your lips, sucking and biting gently.

You felt her walls clench and Jisoo came undone, moaning loudly beneath you.

You prolonged her orgasm as much as possible, flicking your wrist and biting her skin.

When she fell down on the sheets, your hand left her throat and you kissed every fingerprint that was glowing bright red on her delicate neck. You removed your other hand, hearing Jisoo breath in and fill her lungs with air again, and lay beside her.

She took off the blindfold and turned to look you in the eyes, not being able to even move her body anymore.

She was breathing heavily and you smiled, seeing your favorite post-sex grin on her face.

“This was the best orgasm in my life.” She husked, her hand flying to her neck unintentionally. She looked surprised at the sound of her voice and you chuckled slightly.

“I sure hope it was. Don`t you dare treat me with your stupid silence anymore.” You kissed her lips passionately, intertwining your fingers.

“I would never.”

while u personally should feel free to argue with this post please do not r/eblog it i really just do not have the energy for this take to escape my circle of mutuals/followers but anyway

at this point in my life i kinda view voting the same way i view cutting out meat in the sense that like, i have no illusions about the magnitude of change that i can bring on my own with it, and that i can recognize why someone wouldn’t or can’t, and that even though i strongly believe it should be done* it feels gross to yell at people to do it if i don’t know them very well cos like i don’t know what barriers are in place for them. i also think too much focus on that kind of action (individual behaviour changes that are really only impactful if a lot of people do  them the same way) can easily distract from action that might be faster or more useful, and i think if someone chooses to do something else activism or politics related, they should be able to do that without being berated for not first [cutting out meat/voting, as the case may be].

but at the same time for me (and for a lot of other people) it’s not that fucking hard and i’d be a hypocrite if i didn’t so i do it. it’s not exactly a big thing or w/e but [for my case specifically] it is literally the bare minimum and i personally would feel gross holding the opinions i do without voting, or without being vegetarian

i also think screaming at people who are apathetic or hostile to me about how if they don’t do this then they’re horrible and [xyz result] is their fault and they should feel bad about it forever is effective because like, yes i think you should vote and yes i think you should cut out meat if you’re able to do those things, but the problem cannot actually be solved by ONLY those things anyway so i never ever want to treat them like the end-all be-all of political engagement or activist work. i actually think it’s important to discuss how the system is set up to make those things as ineffective as possible at enacting real long term changes, and why even ineffective measures are still good to do sometimes

like re: voting i pretty much throw my vote away by voting ndp in my riding. it’s just not even close. but i do it anyway cos that’s what i believe in and frankly discussing voting with people i know beforehand has always been, imo, more useful than my actual vote. similarly, i cut out meat but i myself have a bunch of dietary restrictions and needs that make going fully ve/gan impossible at this junction without severely impacting my health. i think that’s okay because  the discussions i’ve had about like, the environmental impact of animal agriculture are actually more useful than just me not eating meat because a lot of people aren’t talking about it otherwise and, because i’m their friend, the conversation can be actually productive unlike basically every convo ppl have online w/strangers about it.

anyway. in conclusion why do u guys think yelling at strangers online is going to convince them to vote. maybe i’m just connecting dots that aren’t there but i see you mocking v*gans that are hyperbolic and hostile while also using exactly the same tactics they do when talking politics more broadly. is your goal actually outreach? is it to convince fence sitters to vote? tell me, does shame and hostility work on you? have you considered going v*gan after someone shouts ‘meat is murder’ at you? no? then why on EARTH do you think someone who wasn’t going to vote will now choose to because you said they “can’t complain” about who wins if they do’t vote, or vote third party? because you yelled ‘blue no matter who’ at them? especially if they were bringing up legitimate issues they have with policy? 

this is not a case for u to listen to obnoxious ‘meat is murder’ ppl. i don’t listen to them and i eventually hope to go v*gan myself. this is a case for you to think about how you approach discussing voting and to consider whether or not you’re convincing people or just venting frustration. and you can vent frustration! it’s just weird to expect it to be compelling to people who don’t already agree with you

(*also as a footnote to be extra clear there are lots of ways that hunting is ethical and sustainable and necessary and the people doing that i have no beef with. i’m mostly referring to people in similar situations to mine)

Alright. Honestly hour time.

Warning for those that wanna avoid this sorta thing: This is gonna be a post about depression shit so if you can't handle that atm please keep scrolling. I'll be fine if you don't check in on me ❤️

I know I haven't been active as much lately. My posting has kinda staggered, my art even moreso. And firstly I wanna say I am not giving up. Never through any of this have I once thought about just quitting this blog and abandoning my art and this community cause it has brought me so much happiness and become a little home for me.

Secondly I wanna thank everyone for still sticking around, and welcome to those of you that just followed. I also apologize to you for the lack of content.

Everything really comes down to my life kinda changing and fucking up my depression addled brain immensely. I started this blog in highschool, I was welcomed into an amazing friendly talented community that I adored and I somehow started getting more followers abd attention for my art than I ever dreamed I'd have anytime soon. I was motivated as all hell, I had a stable life structure. Friends I saw nearly everyday, I knew to an extent what the future held. I was content to draw my heart out and go about life as I always had with a lil flash of happiness in the form of a dumb vore and gt blog I'd made on a whim. I even started an ask blog, it wasn't even supposed to be an aso blog. It was supposed to be a seperate blog for same size bellies that just turned into an ask blog. Unfortunately, I haven't posted there in a long time. But I adored every second of it and I hope to one day resurrect it too.

And then highschool neared its end. I was nervous but confident, I had gone through highlschool with depression and anxiety and adhd and I'd convinced myself that once I got into college, everything would be great. I'd be studying on my own terms about topics I loved. But as it turns out, college wasn't exactly like that. I got lonely, I struggled to make friends. My first roommate hated me. I didn't know anyone there, I spent every night falling asleep jext to someone who got pissed at me for stsying in the bathroom to cry for too long. This is when productivity on the blog started to get a liiittle bit wobbly.

After some time I just couldn't take it and I begged to come home. I left that school and enrolled in a local community college while living at home. I found the classes there to be more challenging for me. I failed in more than one course, got bad grades in an art class for the first time in my life. I was costing my family money and I still couldn't seem to make friends. After a long time of trying and just not working, I was put on academic probation. And I made a decision to not come back. This is where my productivity and mental health and the blog itself flopped I think.

I started living at home, simply going about life every day getting up, playing some games, talking to some friends online, and that's about it. I tried to force myself to get a job, a driver's license, an internship, anything to make up for my lack of productivity. But a horrible combination of unpreparedness, depression, and major anxiety made doing those things impossible. I had a job briefly, one that I wasn't told was a holiday job only and I was let go without being told. Simply never scheduled again. It made my anxiety on the matter worse. And on top of it all, it turned out that a stable life structure was a major motivator for my art. I doodled a TON at school. Daydreamed and came up with ideas, had my mind going. It's why I did so much on my blog at that time. But now, with a lack of structure for going on 3 years now, I seem to have lost a lot of that drive. I still love art, I still wouldn't dream of giving it up. But it's so difficult for me to get myself to do it anymore. I've fallen deeper into depression, I've slowly been losing contact with my in person friends, I've started comparing myself harshly and getting pissed at myself for wasting my life and doing nothing. I try to do commissions A: for money and B: because it makes me feel like I'm trying, like I'm worth something. But even that now has come with its issues. I'm finding my lack of motivation is making getting commissions done very difficult for me lately. And in my mind I'm constantly hearing my own voice screaming at me to get shit done. Cause people have been waiting. They're still waiting. They've been waiting longer than anyone should have to wait for art. Especially art like mine.

And with the lack of motivation, comes a lack of practice. And I start to get more pissed at myself. I haven't been happy or prpud of my own art in a long time. And I've started comparing myaelf ruthlessly. I've gotten so bad that sometimes, even thinking about the concept of other artists makes me feel worthless. I can barely look at a piece of someone's art without twisting it to make me feel like I'm not good at art. And it isn't fair to the artists. Because they've done nothing to deserve that form if thinking. I've started avoiding looking at other's art because of it. Because I just don't want to feel bad about myself. And tgat just sends me into fits of guilt. I should be proud of them, I should take their wonderful skill as motivation for myself as well as celebrate their accomplishments. But I can't stop analyzing and hating myself. That's why I haven't been reblogging much, why I'm not online often. And it's bullshit and I'm so very sorry.

Overall, I'm just in a terrible spot in life right now. I don't know how I'm gonna get out of it, if I even ever will, where my life will go from there. I'm tired of feeling this way, I miss my life in highschool so very much. and I'm so sorry my friends. You've all been so supportive and believing and kind and encouraging. And every day that passes I can't help but feel like I've failed you. Every single person I've talked to on this blog or haven't, every other artist in the community, every person I've promised a commission or request or art trade to and still haven't delivered. I'm sorry. I'm trying so hard to find that spark of happiness again, I've taken the steps. But I'm not sure if I'll find it, and if I do it probably won't be anytime soon. I'm sorry. I hope you all know how very much I love you. And thank you for veing here with me.

Whom A God Loves Dies Young

This is the story of how Joey and Grant got together, from its bloom to its wither. This isn’t a happy story. Bittersweet at best.

Read on Ao3

Masterpost

Chapter 4- Two Can Play That Game

PREVIOUS CHAPTER

Stressful morning for Grant. He almost missed his train, he was too anxious and overslept, he didn't hear his alarm. His heart was beating hard when he passed the door of the studio. Why was he feeling like that? He should avoid coffee today. Wouldn't do good with his mood. He walked upstairs, hesitating an instant in Samuel's office. Should he go say hello to Joey? He did have something to say to him. The thought of it made him flustered and weak. It's been months since they were... Dating? Nothing of the sort had been said between the two men, but they sure were acting like they did. Kisses, cuddles, dried flowers between the pages of his folders. Joey's hand stroking through his hair at night. Grant could have never imagined Joey being so soft. Never he thought such a good thing could have happened to him. For once he felt like someone cared about him. Although it seemed obvious they were in love, Grant still wanted to be clear with Joey. He felt like it was important. 

"I love you..." He whispered, sitting down at his desk. 

Never these three words had been exchanged between them. He understood. It wasn't easy to say them. Especially for Joey, he thought. He was always so reserved with his feelings. Surely he was aching to say it, just as Grant did, but he was scared too. Maybe he was afraid Grant would reject him? 

Grant should reject him. 

Joey was having a breakdown in his armchair at work, an empty pack of cigarettes by his side. He couldn't get Grant out of his mind. Alcohol didn't help. Working way more than usual didn't help. It was driving him mad. He craved the kisses, he craved all the affection the man had for him. He didn't deserve this. He shouldn't allow it to happen. He was so weak willed, so pathetic to be needing Grant so much. What was Grant finding in him that made him stay? He was not a good person. Even Henry learned that in the end. He was rude, distant, he was avoiding Grant as much as he could at work... If he hated Grant so much, why was he asking him if he wanted to stay overnight, why was he still finding ways to be nice while being terrible to him at the same time? His brain was sending him mixed signals. He hated that. He just wanted this stupid thing to stop and be true to himself. But could he allow himself to do that?

The day passed slowly. Everyone left the studio one by one. Henry came to say goodbye, for once. He looked a little sad. Silence settled on the building as night laid its heavy mantle on the sky. Much earlier than the previous months. Damn November. Joey was still working, but his mind was elsewhere. He couldn't keep his focus on his drawings. He heard someone climb the stairs. Oh, at last. Maybe Grant would ravish him from his numb and sluggish state.

Hesitating silence.

Soft knock on Joey's door.

"Come in." Joey said, feeling himself bloom back to life.

Grant entered the office, always tiny and nervous, out of breath from having climbed the stairs so fast. He raised his head up to Joey, a big smile under his thick moustache.

"Good evening!"

Joey was so happy to see Grant he forgot to greet him. He held back a smile. What was it going to be today? Grant asking to stay over because he needed him, or did he just want to be close for a bit? A curious, inquisitive hum rang in his throat. Grant's face became a little pale despite his happy expression.

"How are you tonight?"

He played with his fingers, slightly jumpy. Joey raised an eyebrow.

"I'm fine. What brings you here?"

"Oh, uh- I just wanted to see you!"

Silence. Grant was struggling with something.

"Okay, uh. Joey... There is something I've been meaning to tell you."

Grant's voice was struggling to get out of his mouth. 

Joey got his attention to him, straightening the papers in front of him on his desk. Grant hugged himself, nervous. His gold eyes rose up to Joey again.

"I'm in love with you." Grant said quickly.

These words hit Joey like bullets. 

Oh no. 

Oh no.

Grant fell in love. He fell in love with him. Was he stupid? Why did he say that? How could he love someone like Joey? Why say it now, why here? Why? Why? Why? Disgusting. This little game went too far. Joey stared blankly at the wall in front of him.

Grant was kind. Grant was thoughtful. He was pleasing to be with. Joey had to admit he enjoyed his company. He loved to hear him laugh, hear him talk, hear him snore next to him in bed. The endless nights they spent together. How quickly did this summer passed? How quickly was he to fall for Grant? He realised that all these times he was getting himself sick over how he thought he was just playing with the other man, just abusing his kindness and his warmth, maybe he was actually not. Maybe he was also in love. It was not even an eventuality. He was. He was in love... And he hated that. Why was he always realising things so late. It's been three months. It was time to be finally honest about his feelings. Time to say he loved him too.

"I really went too far, didn't I?" Dry. Blank. He couldn't do it. He couldn't say it. What a coward. What an idiot.

"What?" Grant whispered, feeling tears rise in his eyes. This wasn't going as he thought it would.

"I..." He looked at Grant. "I'm sorry I played with you like that. I should have stopped sooner."

Grant felt his soul shatter. He couldn't understand what was going on. He held back his tears, his jaw trembling. After all they did, said, lived together? It was all fake? He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to. It didn't make sense.

"Joey, what are you saying?" His voice was so weak. 

Joey sighed. Why was he doing that. Why was he ruining everything. He stood up, walking past Grant to reach for the door.

"What I'm saying is that I don't want to see you anymore. I regret to have done this but we're not meant to be. It was a stupid idea."

Grant felt like he was falling. Why was he acting like that. It didn't feel sincere. He was silently looking at Joey, holding his breath. He placed himself between the door and Joey, blocking the way.

"Now you're gonna listen to me, Joey." Grant said firmly, despite being on the verge of tears.

Joey froze. All the times Grant said his name, it was soft, almost like a prayer. All the times he was whispering his name when they were in each other's arms, all the times he was screaming it in ecstasy... Love and kindness always surrounded him between Grant's lips. For the first time it was nothing more than a hiss. An agonizing animal's last cry. 

"Why would you do this? Why did you let me fall in love with you? Why did you take me in your arms if you didn't want me near you?" He wasn't holding back. His voice was cracking. His tears were rolling on his cheeks. 

Joey was looking down, away from him. He tried to walk around him to reach the door, wanting to escape the situation. Grant pushed him away from it and grabbed him by the wrist. The bad one. Joey winced, staying silent. He didn't dare moving.

"Answer me! I've been nothing but nice to you, I've devoted myself to you, I've done my best to make YOU happy!" He sobbed, taking a pause to take a deep, painful breath. "Why did you do this? Why are you like that? What the fuck is wrong with you?!" 

He pulled Joey away from the door, pinning his bandaged wrist against the wall over his head. The redhead didn't resist, he didn't want to risk hurting himself further.

Grant felt strangely good about this. Only now he realized he was holding Joey by his weakest point. He was in control, he thought. Joey was weak. Brittle. Frail. Grant was much bigger, much stronger than him. He could break him. Like he just broke his heart. He pushed his wrist harder against the wall. Joey let out a shaky whimper from between his clenched teeth.

"Oh, that's what it takes to make you talk?" 

He squeezed his wrist, a cruel spark in his eyes. He knew how it looked under the white strips of fabric. There was more than carpal tunnel problems. It looked like some kind of wild animal attacked him. Not even a few days ago he was helping Joey cleaning the wounds, putting clean bandages back on. He remembered laying a kiss on his palm before letting go. Why did Joey show him how vulnerable he was if it was all a game? If it was meant to stop so soon? It did not make sense. Joey was breathing fast. He looked like a scared rabbit. All curled up on himself, his body relaxed, motionless, only his chest wavering under his too large black shirt. The new flash of pain coming from his wrist ripped a new growl from him. His arm twitched. 

"Tell me, now. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to yourself? Talk to me."

 Tensed silence. Grant's bitter sobs. Joey was wincing from the pain.

"Oh, so you don't like hurting? Why are you doing this to everyone around you, then? Why are you so awful to Mr. Oswald? I know he values you. You're a dear friend to him! Why do you talk to him like that? Can't you see how much he loves you? Can't you see that hurts him? And why are you so awful to Samuel? He's a nice, creative, funny guy! He's worried for you too! He cares about you despite the SHIT you throw at him constantly! Henry loves you! Samuel loves you! Wallace loves you! I love you! No matter how horrible you are to us we are stupid enough to keep loving you! Why are you pushing all the people who love you away from you systematically? Why are you refusing their help? Why are you refusing their love? What makes you think it's okay to treat them like that? Why are you being such a piece of shit when I've seen- when we've seen how great you can truly be? Why are you hiding that? What makes you so scared of being a good person? Can you say why? Do you even know?"

Joey kept his mouth shut. A tear streamed down his face.

"Is that what you want? Being hurt back? Do you want to play this game?"

He could feel his fingers crack because of how hard he was gripping on Joey. He was hurting him. He deserved it. Joey was sobbing against the wall, his face down and away from Grant.

"I can do it too, see? I can stop being nice. I can be terrible to you too. You're not special. If anything, you're just like everyone else."

But then Joey raised his head. Slowly, struggling. His mouth twisted in pain, his face red and his eyes full of tears.  Grant realized what he was doing. Grant wanted to care. But his brain was so fogged up by a the anger and hurt, he couldn't. He knew he was really damaging Joey's wrist right now, but it was just too bad for him. He felt blood seeping through the white fabric onto his hand. 

"Let me go." Shaky, weak. Barely recognisable as Joey's voice. He broke down into tears as his sentence ended.

Grant stared. Unmoved. At least on the outside. He tugged on Joey's hand and slammed it hard against the wall again. Something definitely cracked. Joey's body tensed up and he yelped in pain, crying harder. Loud.

"LET ME GO. LET ME GO, GRANT!"

Now he was struggling to free himself from Grant's strong hold, weakly clawing at his arm, barely able to grip the fabric of his shirt. Frantic. Desperate. Scared. Grant never thought he would hear his name being screamed like that. Especially not coming from Joey's mouth. He looked at what he was doing in horror. Hearing Joey scream his name woke him up. This was a human being he was torturing like that. This was the man he loved that was crying and trying to break free from him.

He released his wrist.

He took a few steps back.

He put his hands over his mouth.

The second he was free, Joey pressed his injured arm against his chest, holding it with his other hand, dropping on his knees. His shoulders trembling and following his hard sobs. Grant was speechless. What did he do? He felt tears rolling down his face again. It burned. 

"... I'm sorry." He whispered as he ran out of the office, leaving Joey there.

NEXT CHAPTER

Building you up

Atton Rand x Female Exile

Word Count: 2775

Summary: Atton and Rena build Atton’s first lightsaber. And by build I mean talk about their feelings for 80% of this.

Read on AO3 here!

Atton had never felt such a surge of nervous emotions before. Nar Shaddaa brought out so much between him and Rena, about who they are and what they;ve done. After escaping from Goto’s ship and meeting Zez Kai Ell, the crew dispersed into their corners of the Ebon Hawk to recover. Atton quietly slipped into the cockpit alone. Exhausted, he let himself sink into the pilot’s seat for a few minutes of uncomfortable sleep. 

The door hissed open because of course he couldn’t get a second alone, he should have expected that. What he wasn’t expecting was Rena walking past him and disabling the console buttons before sitting on it, staring back at him. He raised an eyebrow at her. The last time they were alone together they had been shouting at each other about the Mandalorian wars, about each of their pasts, about trust; he didn’t have the energy to fight again. Rena sighed, just as tired as he was. She looked down then back up at him.

“Talk to me.”

Three words from her and that’s all it took. His mouth moved faster than his brain, and the past began spilling out. What he’d done, what he’d felt, what he’d regretted. The Jedi that had shown him the force in his head and how he killed her for it. How cowardly he felt as he ran from everything he once stood for in the name of self-preservation. He told her how he buried the force in his mind, fearing what it could do to him. He expected her to scoff; tell him how childish and weak he was for throwing away a tool that she was so skilled in. He looked at her and saw nothing but tenderness and empathy in her eyes. He felt unworthy but loved her for it all the same.

“Train me. Please.” He said it without even thinking. “I’m not afraid anymore, not afraid of who I’ll become.” A lie. He knew it but Atton couldn’t help himself. It felt like the room froze, tension blanketing the both of them. His brain kicked into overdrive, scolding himself for even suggesting that. Sure she was training the others but they had good reason to learn the force. He was an untrustworthy murderer who didn’t deserve to even be considered fo-

“Okay.”

Wait what?

 ~~~

 That was how he found himself in the garage of the Ebon hawk. She insisted that they do this late into the night for privacy sake, as much privacy one could get with three droids awake 24/7 and a crew that was far too nosey for their own good. He sat against the wall looking over the metal parts lain in front of him. Atton had never been incredibly savvy with engineering but he could pick out a few parts across the pile that he recognized, vaguely knowing how they fit into lightsabers.  Rena sat next to him, glancing at him every few seconds.

Atton looked back at her, “Building a lightsaber isn’t what I expected my first lesson to be like.”

“Why’s that?” She asked.

“From what I know, Jedi don’t build their lightsabers until years into their training, and there’s a whole ritual for it.”

Rena scoffed. “You aren’t wrong but I am much more practical than most Jedi and we don’t have years. Plus the whole ‘ritual’ is bland to me so you would really hate it.”

“Lots of meditating?”

“Lots of meditating.”

Atton smirked. He could barely sit still for a few minutes now, let alone hours. He looked over the pieces laid in front of him again, thinking far too much. He remembered when Rena built her lightsaber back on Dantooine with Bao-Dur; the both of them pouring over scraps of metal found abandoned in the ruins of the Jedi enclave. He spent a lot of late nights watching them burn themselves when the saber short-circuited or the crystal wasn’t fully aligned. They did get her saber working in the end; and it was one of the first times he saw her genuinely happy. It was a small triumph after waves of fighting, running, and losing, and he remembered it fondly. He wondered if he really was capable of this, of getting to that point.

Rena poked him in the side, he lightly smacked her hand away. “You’re stalling.” She teased.

“Not stalling, you ass, just thinking.”

“First time for everything.” She joked back. Her hand stroked up his back to his shoulder, grounding him. “Talk to me Atton.”

He grumbled. “You really like me talking, huh?”

“I like hearing your voice. And you were very talkative the last time I asked you to stay up late with me.” Her hand stroked up and down his back again.

He felt his face heat up. Stars why does she have to be so direct? “I just....don’t know. I don’t know how to start.”

“How to start building?”

“How to start with any of this training.”

Rena looked at him, hand still on his back. “You don’t feel ready.” It was a statement but she said it like a question. She was far too good at reading him, especially when he didn’t want her to. “Why?” She asked.

“I just...I don’t...ugh.” It was easier to talk about this when emotions were high. He could just let everything spill out without thinking; now he had to actually figure out what he was saying. “I don’t know if this is right for me. I’ve told you my feelings about Jedi. They lie, they’re selfish and hide that behind thinly veiled charity. I’ve done…horrible things. I feel like I could fall down that same path; that if I do become a Jedi, I could be even worse. ” He felt his self-loathing come back in full swing. 

Rena look both of his hands into her own. His first instinct was to pull away but he choked that down; sighing through his nose.

“Atton I’m not training you to be a Jedi.” 

He swung his head around so fast he thought he’d break his neck. “So...we’re just building a lightsaber for funsies? Did you lie to me?” He began to pull away but Rena held him firmly by the hands. 

“No Atton, I didn’t lie to you. I am going to train you, but not to be a Jedi.” She stroked her thumb over his hands as she spoke. “I think you’re right about the Jedi. Completely.”  That wasn’t the answer he was expecting. At all.

She continued before he could question her further. “The reason the Mandalorian war was so devastating was because of Jedi indifference, the reason that I don’t know why I was exiled is because of Jedi secrets, the reason the galaxy is in shambles now is because they became so dependent on the Jedi that they can’t function without them. The Jedi stood on a pedestal they didn’t deserve and fell hard for no reason other than their own flaws. They thought themselves the heroes of the galaxy and blocked out anyone who said otherwise. They got what they deserved.” 

He could feel Rena’s rage begin to build. She very rarely bore her scars openly, and Atton often forgot how much hell she had been through from all different sides of the galaxy. He squeezed their hands. She smiled at him, a very tight smile. One of someone pushing past pain instead of facing it.

She took a slow breath, calming herself down again before speaking again. “The Jedi have their flaws and I don’t intend to pass them on to you. You have done one thing that none of the Jedi Council has, and that is admit your mistakes. You have the willpower that none of them do to look back at your past and know that there were things you did wrong."

"How many murderers and torturers did the Jedi have among them?" He still felt unworthy.

"More than they let on, I assure you.” Her eyes had a glimpse of first-hand experience, empty for a moment before focusing again. She had as many walls as he did. He knew of Revan, Malachor, and bits of her exile but even if she was a former Jedi she still was a Jedi. He still expected her to be on their side...at least partially.

“You saw them in the Civil war,” She continued. “The people that reveled in displays of power; that used the Jedi name to benefit themselves alone. It was so easy to let their actions slide because they’re ‘Jedi’. ‘Jedi are always the good guys.’” She sighed through her nose. “I’m going to train you to use the force, but also to be better than them. Better than what they let themselves become.”

For once Atton didn’t know what to say. Rena was always an intense person, and it was hard to bare this without making a sarcastic comment or joke. He swallowed down his instincts, he wanted to take this seriously. For her.

She squeezed his hands. "I know this conversation has just been a 'shit on the Jedi' rant..."

"We need a healthy dose every now and again."

"Right.” She deadpanned. "But what I'm trying to tell you is that you are not wholly defined by your past. It is a significant part of you but I believe that what you strive to do now, because of your past is what makes a person. You are ready for this. I promise. You are doing what is right for the galaxy in the best way that you can.”

“My best isn’t that great.”

“Your best is enough for me.” And dammit if that wasn’t all he wanted out of life. To be good enough for her.

Rena raised her hands to cradle his face. Looking directly into his eyes. “And whatever happens, however you change and develop on this path, I will be right beside you."

Atton closed his eyes, letting himself be lost in her embrace. Her words slowly sinking in. He didn’t know how much of what she said he truly believed, about how he was doing the right thing, but he wanted to try. For her if nothing else. She pulled him closer into a proper hug. Her taller, more muscular frame enveloping him completely, he buried his head into the crook of her neck and inhaled deeply.

She held him for a while, stroking his back ever so slowly. After a bit she turned her head toward him planting a kiss onto his temple. Then his cheek, his nose, his forehead, eyes, until there wasn’t a spot un-kissed on his face.

He laughed at her. “Good thing you don’t use a blaster, your aim is terrible.” He grabbed the front of her shirt and pulled her close, kissing her properly. He felt her smile into the kiss and slip her tongue against his.

Kisses between them were often like a dance, Atton doing his best to get a rise out of her and Rena responding in kind, but this one was different. Softer. Nothing to display between them but pure affection for one another. Atton pulled back to breathe and Rena followed him, a few small pecks then diving back into a full kiss. He felt overwhelmed in the best way possible, tilting his head back up to meet up fully as she leaned over him. He could die happily right now. He could also live happier getting to feel her lips slide against his every day, which felt like the better choice in his mind.

They both pulled back after a while, Rena not letting him go without a few more nips. Atton exhaled slowly, slowing his breathing down. “So this lightsaber building work has been pretty fun so far, huh?”

Rena threw an emitter at his chest in response, laughing. He would never get tired of that sound.

Over the next few hours they build his saber. Piece by piece she showed him how each connected and worked together to get a full understanding of his saber. His parts were flashy, a single blade with the emitter engraved with flowing lines and the grip having geometric patterns etched into the rubber. Rena showed him how to fully take it apart and put it back together multiple times, then having him show it to her. After hours of work he knew the saber better than the blaster at his side. He knew that he would still keep a blaster on him along with the saber; as well as the small vibroblade hidden in his boot. The lightsaber wouldn’t be the ultimate weapon for every encounter but it will be damn good for most of them.

His lightsaber lay in front of him on the floor in two pieces. Only one part missing. Rena reached out with the force and levitated a cardboard box over. Even being barely skilled in the force, Atton could feel the pull of what was inside the box. Crystals.

“Reaching into a grab-bag full of crystals. How unceremoniously appropriate for us.” He snorted.

“We could make an entire trip to Dantooine if you want.” She snarked back. “You get to wear padawan robes much too small for you and fight off a group of kinrath alone in a dark cave.”

“Or you could just dump the box over my head and whichever crystal I catch I keep.”

Rena laughed. “That’s not too far off from what we’re doing.” She brought the box over in front of both of them, but pointedly not letting Atton look inside. “The point of lightsaber crystals is that there’s a connection between the wielder and the saber. What I want you to do is feel for which crystal is calling to you.”

“That sounds hard and stupid.”

“It is! You’re still going to do it.” She opened the box fully and set it down in front of him. A handful of crystals of all different colors rest inside. She must have been stocking up since she built her own saber. He knows he saw her buy a crystal a few days ago from a Rodian on Nar Shaddaa.

Rena cleared her throat as obnoxiously as she could. Atton rolled her eyes and sat up straight. People closed their eyes when using the force right? He felt like he should close his eyes so he did, taking another breath. He was supposed to feel….something. He felt Rena staring at him openly. If this was how meditation training was going to go he was going to struggle.

He forgot how well-trained Rena was with the force. Either that or the fact that she can read him so well. “Don’t focus on me, focus on the box. Just search for something. Any little bit of energy you can feel that stands out.”

He turned his focus back in front of him. He could feel the energy that radiated from each crystal in the box; all felt different in small ways but all were relatively the same. He sat for what felt like an eternity, waiting for a sign.

There it was. A small tug. The upper right corner of the box felt just a bit more strongly than anything else and he hoped that was what he was supposed to be looking for. It felt like it was looking for him too. He reached out with his hand, eyes still closed, and pulled the energy towards him with the force. It was shaky and he slipped up a few times, but the crystal made his way into his hand. It felt bright, and warm and he promptly lost his grip and dropped it onto the floor.

Rena laughed, cackled more like. Atton opened his eyes to scowl in her direction. He looked down at the crystal, still intact thank fuck, and bright yellow energy streaming off directly back at him. He grabbed it rolling it through his hand and smiled. Rena nodded at him and then towards the saber parts on the floor.

Atton put the crystal in, like she showed him, and clicked the two parts together. The crystal didn’t weigh much but the saber felt more prominent now. Solid, comfortable. He ignited the saber, his saber, for the first time. The blade shot out with an electric buzz and force energy coursing through the entire lightsaber glowing bright yellow.

Rena’s eyes shined with pride, flashing a smile at him. Using the force she stood up fully and stretched her muscles out. She turned to him, pausing for a moment, and stretched out her hand.

“Let’s get started.”

NOTE: I know I posted this before, but I wanted to make a new post for it, as a) I’m working on Emira now so it would fit to have them posted close to each other, and b) I don’t think the previous post showed up in tags even when reblogged (I tried, then deleted it when it didn’t work). I also finished the Steel Prince comics, so my opinions have changed a bit (I still think he’s very well-written no matter how angry he makes me, especially with the context of the comics, but he’s definitely made some mistakes, and Maxim, no wonder Antari have a problem with you). So, I’m copy-pasting the original post+tags with minor edits in the hopes it works this time; apologies for the repeat everyone! 

BTW I know this character is generally disliked by the fandom; that’s totally cool, he’s not my favorite either. But I do think he’s interesting, so with the headcanons below I tried to extrapolate/explain (not excuse!) some of his actions. If you disagree/think I’m reading too far into it/think I missed something, PLEASE take all of this with a grain of salt. 

Copy-Pasted Stuff:

Next up for the refs, Maxim! A complicated design for a complicated man. My opinions on Maxim went from love to hate to “I wish you knew what you were doing;” he’s a really fun character, especially with the context of the Steel Prince comics. That being said, just like with the Danes I’ll be including design notes and headcanons under the cut, which may include spoilers for the comics; ergo POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR STEEL PRINCE. You have been warned. Also, my writing got really small on this ref, so I recommend clicking the image if you want to read the ref notes.

Anyways, on to Maxim!

- First up, hair. Maxim has a multitude of locks that all vary in length; he grew them out after he took the throne and has barely cut them since. There’s no specific way Maxim likes his hair, as he’ll arrange it into various different styles depending on his mood. The gold rings are actually there to help with this process, as they allow him to move each lock individually with his magic when he’s putting it up. This variable ring structure has the added bonus of creating a cool rippling effect when his magic activates; when Maxim quite literally gets heated, his influence spreads to the rings and any other small metal objects in the area, allowing his locks to shift in the heated air in an effect Rhy jokingly refers to as a “solar flare.” Maxim’s mood can actually be gauged purely by how much his hair moves or how warm he is, which is a trait his family finds endearing even if he himself finds it mildly annoying- after all, it’s difficult to come off as calm and composed if everyone in your kingdom knows your hair will give away how ticked off you are.

- As for his outfit, I love the asymmetrical geometric aesthetic put forth in the comics for Red London royalty; naturally, I leaned hard into this aesthetic and then immediately hid it all behind overly-complicated armor. Maxim is a huge armor nerd- anything metal is his specialty, and he prides himself immensely on both his armor and his weapons. He got his armor early in his youth and fiercely maintained it throughout his life until he was as attached to it as Kell was to his coat; he likes to swap parts around from multiple sets to create new looks. This is considered light armor for Maxim- at minimum he’ll have his crown and breastplate on. It’s very rare to catch him without any gear, but on the rare occasion one does, they’ll find he has a very similar outfit to Rhy, especially from the waist down. Fun fact, both he and Rhy’s pants are based on fencing knickers (fencing uniform pants), since both myself and VE Schwab are fencers.

- Maxim has many scars from his time at the Blood Coast, including two nasty ones on his brow and nose. He used to be rather embarrassed by them until he met Emira, who loved his scars as a part of him and told him so constantly. Now, like his armor, they are a source of pride.

- Speaking of pride, Maxim takes a lot of it in how he looks, especially with his hair, eyes, and clothes. As such, Rhy learned most of his knowledge about maintaining his appearance from his father; the only thing Maxim couldn’t contribute to was Rhy’s hair care, as that is something his son has more in common with his mother. Maxim often wakes himself up by doing his hair and picking out his jewelry in the mornings, and if he’s feeling particularly bold he may even slip on some golden eyeshadow or a flashier necklace. Maxim has never mistaken the value of appearances in how someone feels about themselves either; he is liberal with compliments in the palace both to family and staff, as he knows someone does their best work when they feel happiest in their skin. He takes particular care to comment on Kell’s coat and hair, as he knows his adopted son’s appearance is a point of self-contention that he doesn’t want to foster.

- Maxim’s sword is like Kell’s coat; he carries it everywhere- even to social functions- and is unashamedly fond of it. It is essentially the larger version of the royal half-sword that Maxim can wield in either hand (he’s ambidextrous!) and can even change the style of; if he wishes for it to be a two-handed sword, he only has to stretch the grip with his magic. Maxim can heat it forge-hot without it melting; in this state it’s incredibly dangerous and can cut through almost anything. There are two easter eggs in the runes on the sword, if anyone wants to look close enough to find them!

- All of Maxim’s stuff is sun-themed as a half-callback to the Maresh symbol, which has given him the additional title of the “Molten Sun,” an affectionate term used by guards to refer to their commander-in-chief. Maxim is really close to his guards and treats them as extended family; after all, he used to be one of them. He knows most of them by name and is fiercely protective of them- anyone who tries to mess with his staff as a whole is due for a personal warning from the king to desist, which is best heeded if one doesn’t want to drink their meals for a week.

- As said on the ref, Maxim is big. He spends a lot of his free time training as a nervous habit, which regardless of effect on his psyche keeps him in tip-top shape at all times. He’s easily as tall as Holland and is one of the few people Kell must stand upright with to look in the eye. He’s also immensely strong; this man could probably bench-press three guards in full armor with Emira sitting on top. I’ve seen some people suggest Athos alone could win in a fight against him before- maybe its due to the state of my own design for said Dane (in summary, scrawny as heck), but the only way I can see that going down in a one-on-one confrontation is with Athos getting punted like an angry white football. Personal preference, I guess.

- Now for personality! Maxim is a lover and a fighter, beloved and seen by all in his kingdom as a ray of sunshine, especially after the stormy clouds of his father’s cold and strict reign. He is as kind as he is tall and spends a lot of his time helping citizens solve problems or simply drifting around the palace, ready to aide his staff in their jobs. He’s vibrant and animated, too; the palace is often stirred to life when the sun rises by Maxim’s “quiet” singing as he heads towards the kitchens. Little does everyone know, behind that cheery and loving facade is an incredibly calculating individual. Maxim was born and raised only to be the perfect war king by his father Nokil with little personal care or respect for Maxim’s wishes, and though Maxim vowed to never be like him, some of Nokil’s parenting still unfortunately rubbed off. Maxim is always watching for threats and prepping for battle, mentally, physically, and otherwise; a threat to him or his kingdom is constantly around the corner, as far as he’s concerned. He must have a plan at all times or else he gets anxious and defensive, and if he’s backed into a corner, he’ll choose a risky course of action over no action at all (ergo, the Osaron fight). Maxim may be deeply loving, but he can’t help but see people’s worth to the kingdom first; when he’s feeling stressed it takes real effort for him to step back and see people as people instead of pawns he’s trying to get across the board.

- As far as hobbies go, Maxim doesn’t spend much of his free time on himself; he’s a full-time father, king, and husband, which leaves little room for downtime. Most of what he has left over he devotes to training, courtesy of his father’s horrible “kingdom-first” mindset that has still scars his adulthood. Still, Maxim does have a few interests he fosters; he loves cartography (a trait he shares with Kell) and likes to make his own maps by hand. He also loves chess, music, and gem/metal geology- if Emira wasn’t already in charge of the kingdom’s finances Maxim would have spent it all on new gemstone inlays or gold decorations. He’s still a fun-loving man, even if he doesn’t know how to spend much time on himself.

- Maxim is a very caring father and husband; he loves his family to bits and is completely devoted to them, even if he sometimes royally slips up when things get difficult. He and Emira both believe in equally sharing parental duties, so he spent a good chunk of his time when Kell and Rhy were growing right beside them, guiding them along. Contrary to what one may think, Maxim was the parent Kell was always closest to; they could often be found together in the map room, Kell watching with fascination as Maxim carefully traced the lines of landmarks and geographical features, switching his quill between hands when one grew too tired. Meanwhile, when Rhy wanted to hang out with his father, they both would spar with wooden swords or play games like hide-and-seek or chess together. It was largely due to Maxim’s own poor father that Maxim was unable to properly communicate with Kell post-ADSOM; he simply assumed a little distance would do them both good, unaware that he was both continuing a cycle of neglect by repeating his father’s mistake and giving Kell the one thing he didn’t need (for those who don’t know, Nokil- Maxim’s dad- sent Maxim to the most dangerous part of the empire, the Blood Coast, because Maxim disobeyed him. Maxim emotionally did something very similar in AGOS by treating Kell coldly). Nonetheless, Maxim never stopped considering Kell a son and recognized his mistake; unfortunately, by the time he saw his error in the cells, he was in too deep to give Kell the freedom he needed and Kell was too angry to try and compromise until circumstances were more favorable. Maxim also never stood up for Kell against Emira; between his wife and his son, he always assumed Kell was the stronger of the two and would eventually stand up for himself. This, as we all know, turned out to be false, and Maxim regretted it for the rest of his life that he never tried to talk to Emira about her treatment of the second son of the Maresh family.

So yeah, sorry for the long wall of text! I really like Maxim as a character (even if I acknowledge he struggles badly as a parent) so I wanted to give him more depth and a design worthy of his complexity. I hope you enjoyed it; if anyone has any questions or comments I’d love to hear them!

Hong Kong Hotel Room

Pagan Min x Vanya Min (OC) Rated M for mild language and sexual references -An unfinished sequel to The Other Daughter

--

They need a doctor for these things, and they could have gone to India. Or Japan, or literally anywhere else on the fucking globe, but fucking Kowloon, Hong Fucking Kong.

But he's the best they have, she'd said to him.

I'll be by your side through it all. 

Beautiful, wild woman that she is, full of these raging hormones and a newfound urgency to slow that tick, tick, tick of her biological clock before it’s even begun. Pagan remembers how ravenous Ishwari had been when she came round those cycles of the month where she was most fertile, when they would spend hours alone in his bed just dirty fucking the night away.

And so, against his judgment, with his wife's new passport tucked in his coat pocket just beside his own, he goes. And so here they are, sitting on this cheap bench in this God damned doctor’s office in a respectable part of town – if there even is one, anymore – in the lion's den he'd clawed so hard wrench himself free of. His leg is bouncing so hard it shakes the frame of the thing, and then her hand is on his knee, so calming, so confident, stilling his nerves.

“It's just a doctor, Pagan,” Vanya whispers.

Feh, just a doctor… A doctor who probes, and prods, draws blood which has made his skin inexplicably crawl. Never in his life has he wanted another fucking man to handle a cup full of his semen, but apparently this is part of the test too… He can stab a man in the jugular with nothing more than his pen, slit someone's throat for the hell of it, but needles… needles make his teeth itch. And she knows, almost immediately, that this is so. She always has that knowing look the moment he shows weakness, that look that says you're not the Invincible Man, King Min.

Somehow she keeps calm through all of it, like it’s nothing at all. Lets them prod at her with speculums and swabs, lets that egotistical prick get so close and… personal with her. She's had to beg Pagan to leave the room, made him promise not to cause a scene. It’s medically professional, after all. Fuck, the things love makes him do.

His wife’s fingers lace around the inside of his knee then, bringing him back to the here and now, tucking just in that soft spot behind the crook of it as she silently begs him to stop bouncing the damn bench. And he does, if only because at that moment that pretentious fuck of a fertility doctor strolls right back through the door looking for all the world like he's just won the lottery and plans to throw his shit right in their faces.

In the end he shoots him point-blank and walks out with the pills anyway. They had their tests, he has his answers. He'd sworn long ago that nobody would touch his wild girl again like that, apparently not even like this. And God bless her, she just smiles and brings him back to their hotel, holding his hand the whole way back like she’s having the best day of her life.

“Fucking ridiculous! Eight million rupees for a month's worth of little fucking pills?!” Pagan yells as he scrubs the blood from his hands in their hotel bathroom.

“He asked for a million Hong Kong Dollars,” his wife replies from the bedroom suite.

“It's the same fucking thing, my dear! We should have never told him our names. He finds out we’re King and Queen and the greedy fuck wants to grub his hands all over every penny he can manage, what a way to take advantage of people!”

He comes round the corner to find her sitting reverently on the corner of the bed, cradling that little bottle of pills so delicately it may as well be the holy grail.

“Furthermore, I’ve half a--"

“…wife,” she utters, and his mouth clamps shut.

Oh, that look in her eyes. All spitfire and sticky honey at the same time, knotting those little frayed edges at the seams of him like she does so well – his tall, fierce woman.

“What?”

“Wife. I'm not the Queen. I'm your wife,” she says, hands closing around that little bottle so protectively.

Fuck, those long fingers, that lilt in her voice. The way she curls those r's, so terribly American – almost as harsh as Ajay's drawl.

She had insisted she wouldn’t rule at his side. Yes, that’s still Ajay's job, that feral son of that fucking cunt Mohan. And he hadn’t pressed. And he won’t now, not when she looks at him like this holding that bottle full of pills in her hands that will open up their future for them. She's Queen by title, and nothing more. Perhaps this will change someday, he hopes it does.

“You're more than just that, beautiful girl,” he murmurs, finding himself padding over to her across the room and pulling her to him, combing his fingers through those raven curls of hair he's spent so many hours pulling on in the heat of the moment.

“So… it's as simple as taking these along with my cycle,” she sighs softly, and he feels her shoulders rise and fall against his hip with each slightly quickened breath, “and it might not even take as long as he said, cuz it's not like we've been worried about using condoms for the past year anyhow…”

His chest tightens, skin prickles. Their afternoon only has one place to go. They’ve come to Kowloon for one reason only, and they've taken a week’s reservation out on this suite particularly to focus on making love at every convenience. And Christ, her fucking smile as she turns her face up to him, still snuggled against his abdomen. The glint in her brown eyes, just begging him to challenge her, as though he’d actually want to turn around and forget about conceiving with her.

The thought of turning back has never crossed his mind.

“It's like a honeymoon, you know,” she says as he breaks away from her to close the blinds on their very un-private floor to ceiling view, and before he can take two steps away he falters, losing the will to leave her side.

“We never got to take one before…” is all he can say, turning back around and slinking back to her side, drawn like a bowstring.

They hadn't even bothered after the Royal Wedding. No, they'd been content to coil up under the cherry blossom trees at Paul's estate and utter their vows on each other's lips the night before the proper ceremony. That was all the honeymoon they'd needed then. Never had he been a sentimental man until that day, brushing his thumb across those freckle-dappled cheekbones in the wan afternoon sun, promising himself to her like he hadn’t ever bothered to do for Ishwari. And God, the way she felt in that moment, right there under the tree, in his lap without a care in the world. Like they were two young newlywed lovers again just discovering what lovemaking truly meant.

Well, she was a young lover. And she was, for all intents and purposes his newlywed bride on that particular sunny afternoon. He'd struggled for months feeling so horribly fucking inadequate, her own husband twice her age. Now, maybe with a little expensive help from some tiny pink pills, he can only pray he can give her what she so desperately wants. They've already been trying for a solid four or five months. What good of a husband is he then if he can’t give her children, start a family? And fuck how terrifying that thought sounds in that very moment as he snaps back again to reality, finding himself wrapped in her warm embrace, pill bottle still in her hand.

“How long?” he asks, finding his voice hoarse as he presses his lips into the crook of her neck, drawing her close to his chest like nothing else matters in that moment.

“Til what?”

“If you take one now, how long?”

“Uh, I think he said they're pretty fast acting. Maybe a week tops. But what's stopping us from getting a head start? Now that we know your rhino horn tea did you some good,” she snorts into his shoulder, the sound tickling through his shirt as her hot breath fans across his collarbones.

“I told you I was virile,” he growls, sounding more proud than he’s meant to.

“It’s just the age gap,” she chides, and he sighs.

“Don't remind me.”

“Pagan…”

He lifts his head when she straightens up, raising an eyebrow in question, and she reaches out to cup his face with both hands, drawing him in for a hungry kiss. It takes all his resolve not to break right then and there, not just to throw her down and disrobe her most unceremoniously. No, they've paid for a room with a view, and they'll be going at this for hours a day if she has anything to say about it, the way she heavers on like a tigress in heat. He takes the bottle she still clutches and holds it up. They haven't even bothered to print a proper label for the damn thing, the nurse had simply scribbled something hastily across the lid.

Min, Vanya Rotenberg

1ta qd 1m

“Don't drop them,” she gasps, and her hands are covering his fearfully.

He hasn't told her often enough just how much he adores her size – her luxuriously long legs, palms as wide as his but fingers so, so delicate. How now her hands cover his entirely, reminding him that she has just as much a part in this as he does.

“Vanya Min…” he rumbles, low and crooning as he so very carefully opens the bottle of pills plucks just one out, “I'll never tire of the sound of those words.”

To ease her over-protective worries he caps it immediately and hands her back the bottle and the single pill. As she upends the little pink disk without hesitation he swallows hard right with her. This is it for them then, him and his ravenous, wild girl - the jump into planned fertility. The pills are placed safely on the nightstand and then she can sigh in relief. She glides past him towards the windows and he swears for all the world she looks so powerful there, so elegant, silhouetted by the afternoon sun glinting off the skyscrapers and a canvas of clear blue sky.

He traces the long curve of her hips with his eyes, down to her calves and back up, imagining as he glances over her midsection that she’s absolutely glowing with child – his child – ready to pop any day. Fuck how he’s missed those days with Ishwari sometimes. It hasn't occurred to him it may even be somewhat of a kink. Not that he'll ever in his lifetime sit Vanya down and tell her yes darling girl, I find you so terribly fuckable when you're round with pregnancy, never mind the cravings or nausea or aches… 

Vanya turns back to him with a glint in her eye, those soft lips of hers curling up into a wry smirk.

“Like what you see, hmm?” she whispers, and by god that's an understatement.

“I will never, in my life, tire of simply admiring you, dusha,” he hums, striding forward to meet her at the window as his hands close on her waist, “every nick, every scar, every freckle.”

“Mm, I have millions of freckles, probably,” she coos as she falls back against his chest, leaning into his ensnaring arms, “didn’t we spend a day trying to count them?”

That they did. He got through 657 precisely on her face and neck before he gave up. And that hadn't even been all of them. Things had dissolved rather quickly from there and he’d ended up rutting her into the mattress for the better part of an hour.

Missing you

Not Drawn Together, but have some post WW2 GerIta reunion I wrote months ago. Because why not?

10 years.

I spent 10 years in this prison.

War crimes.

I don't deny it. I was stupid. I was stupid to trust my boss. It was so stupid, so blind of me to kill that many innocent people.

People like him.

Today is the first day after 10 years that I get to see him. I missed him a lot. That smile whenever he made or ate pasta, that silky hair of his, that scent of grass after a spring rain that was always around him. And that white flag of his which I proudly held upon my surrender. They let me keep it. The only thing that reminded me of him. My Feliciano.

I knew at the time that what I was doing was so wrong, but I had no control over it. I felt my heart and mind run to him in the moments when living was impossible. At first I refused it, denied it, but slowly, I let myself feel it. I let myself fall in love with him.

And being this close to seeing him again, it took guts to contain my excitement.

Alfred arrived quite early thankfully. He was supposed to drive me home and make sure I don't start plotting another war. Like hell I would. I don't need more years in prison. I don't need more years away from Feliciano.

"You ready, Ludwig?" He smiled at me. One of his cocky smiles as usual. I guess he hasn't changed at all in these 10 years.

I didn't respond. The officer opened the door and I walked out. He took off the handcuffs and I stretched my arms. It's been so long after all. I looked at Alfred and offered a polite smile. His hair grew a bit longer and he wasn't wearing his uniform anymore. He was dressed quite nicely, nevertheless. He wore a suit which I believe was to make him look "cooler".

"Let's go big guy. No more wars. Your brother is with Ivan, but I'm sure you knew that already. Now, do you have any wishes? Some ice cream?" Alfred asked, making a disgusted face at the mention of Ivan. There were some tensions between them.

"If you don't mind, actually, I'd like to go visit Feliciano. We were close during the war and I'm sure he misses me." I said, trying not to sound too suspicious.

Alfred looked at me and smiled almost sadly.

"All the time." He said in a quiet voice.

It wasn't a very long drive. I was surprised I had been this close to Feliciano all this time, but upon looking closely, I noticed it was a graveyard. Why would he take me to the graveyard?

"You'll find him here. Just go to the very middle, under the biggest tree there. I'll stay in the car." Alfred said quickly and opened the door for me.

I exited and felt my heart beating faster than ever before. What is going on? It can't be... Is Feliciano alright?

I walked into the graveyard. They always made me feel sick. So many good and bad people, all in one place. All dead and rotting. Ironic, but at the same time disgusting. I rushed past the gravestones, hoping to reach the tree as quickly as possible. Various scenarios running through my head. And finally, I was there.

And I felt my eyes tear up.

But I smiled.

Because right before my eyes, under the tall tree, sleeping next to a gravestone that said Romulus Vargas, Feliciano's grandfather, was my beautiful Feliciano.

I walked up to him, trying not to wake him up, and sat next to him. There was so much I wanted to say to him. So many questions to ask him. But I couldn't. I couldn't wake him up. Instead, I just whispered:

"I'm home, Feliciano."

We stayed like that for about an hour, but it felt too short for me. Time always passed by quickly when I was with him. When Pact of Steel was signed, for example. We were together all day and yet, it felt like only a couple of minutes.

Feliciano soon started to turn around, attempting to find the perfect position. He soon rolled over to my chest and I held him, almost laughing at the confused face he made before he opened his eyes.

He looked up at me sleepily, his hand reaching up to touch my face and upon contact, I placed my own on his. He smiled softly before closing his eyes again.

"If this is a dream, I hope I never wake up." He whispered, relaxing his head on my chest. I smiled and kissed his hand that was on my cheek.

"It's not a dream, Feliciano. I'm here. After so many years, I'm here with you." I stroked his hair gently before he suddenly lifted his head up, his eyes wide open.

"Ludwig?" He called for me and taking his hand back to touch all over me and finally slapping himself to, presumably, make sure he wasn't dreaming.

"Yes, it's actually me. You're not dreaming." I reassured him.

"It's you! Oh Dio mio, it's you! After 10 years, it's still you!" Feliciano smiled and cried at the same time, hugging me like a child their mother. Like a faithful wife her soldier husband. And I hugged him back. I hugged him like I was going to lose him if I let go for just a second.

He let go first and wiped away his tears, never taking his eyes off of me. Even I had to surpass my tears from the joy of seeing him. And that was tough as hell.

"But what are you doing here? I mean, I'm happy, oh Ludwig, I'm so happy. But why did you come here? You hate graveyards, Ludwig." He said as quickly as his mouth allowed him. I expected no less.

"Alfred brought me here on my request. I had a feeling you would want to see me first. They let me out on good behavior." I answered. Hopefully that covered most of his questions.

"Ve~ I knew they would let you go. You're not a horrible person, Ludwig. I've been saying that for 10 years, but no one really listened. It doesn't matter, though. They still let you out. Ah, I have to introduce you!" He clapped his hands quickly and turned me around to face his grandfather's gravestone.

"This is my nonno. It's sad that you can't meet him in person, but such is a life of a country. You would have liked him, Ludwig. He had the best bedtime stories ever. Most of them were about cute girls though. I've been having nightmares since they took you to prison so I've been coming here every day." I stopped him there.

"Every day? For 10 years?" I was surprised, but, when you think about it, that does sound like something he would do.

"Yeah. It was either that or not sleeping at all and since not sleeping is bad for your health..." Honestly, he has no impulse control at all.

"So is sleeping on the cold gravestone." I told him, but I could tell he didn't listen.

"And I wanted to look my best for when I could see you again so I took naps here to reduce bags under the eyes. Oh, but you saw me here when I was sleeping. Oh Dio, how did I look? Did I look horrible? Do I still look horrible?" He began to wave his arms around in the air frantically. He does that sometimes. He's careless like that, but then he worries about his looks. I will never understand him.

"You look fine, Feliciano. Besides, I could care less what you look like right now. I'm just lucky enough to be able to see you now." That seemed to calm him down.

However, that made me rethink my choice in words. He has no idea that I love him after all and I have been dropping hints like a 14 year old girl with a crush. I blushed and looked away, covering my mouth.

Now or never, Ludwig. He deserves to know. He deserves to know what kept you sane and alive for more than 10 years.

"Ludwig?" He called for me softly as I was preparing myself to confess my feelings for him as well as possible rejection.

"Hm?" I hummed, unable to say anything.

"Do you still like me?"

His question stirred up a wave of emotions inside of me. Yes. My body and mind screamed. Yes, I still like you. I love you, Feliciano. But no words came out. Instead, I blushed harder.

"I betrayed you, Ludwig. Forced to, but it still counts as betrayal. I left you to suffer alone in the war while I ran away to hide. The thoughts, Ludwig... The thoughts of you hating me for what I did. They gave me the worst nightmares. Please, Ludwig, please say you don't hate me." He begged me. His eyes, his words, everything about him begged me not to say that I hated him. I closed my eyes for a moment and smiled.

"How can I hate you, Feliciano? How can I hate you when you were the very reason I made it through the war, through these horrible years in prison? How can I hate you when your smile chases all the dark clouds of my mind away? How can I hate you when, even when I knew what my fate would be like if anyone knew, I let myself fall in love with you? How do I hate you when my heart and mind are screaming that I love you all the time?" And finally, I said it.

Feliciano was making a face that I have never seen before. It appeared to be a mixture of shock, happiness and something else I couldn't quite place. He opened his mouth to say something, but instead closed them when no sound came. He tried again, only making himself look like a fish and making me start to regret saying anything. That was until he spoke:

"Me too, Ludwig! I love you too! Dio mio, ti voglio bene, Ludwig!" He almost screamed which shouldn't have surprised me, but after a long separation, it did. I never understood a word when he spoke in Italian, but this... This I understood perfectly.

"Ich liebe dich, Feliciano. I love you so much." I said as I placed my hands on his shoulders, pulling him closer. I felt his arms lifting and his hands cupping my cheeks as we both pulled each other closer until our lips met in a warm, long awaited kiss.

It wasn't too short, but it wasn't long either. And it still left the feeling that I need more so as soon as we both breathed a little air, we clashed our lips again. The sensation of it so sweet and so welcoming and the Sun was already setting before we realized how much time passed.

"Do you want to come over? I understand if you don't, after all you haven't been home for a while. I just really don't want you to be alone anymore. You did 10 years of that." Feliciano said and I kissed his temple.

"Of course I want to. However, you would have to ask Alfred that. He's probably still waiting for me in the car." I said and laughed. It was a rare occasion that I laugh, but Feliciano brought out the best in me. Alfred has an attention span of a spoon standing up, there was no way he would still be sitting in the car.

"Oh, Alfred is easy to convince. Just bring up that Ivan would let you stay for the night and he would offer to let you stay for a week." Feliciano laughed too. He seemed aware of the rivalry and knew how to use it well. There's a lot of things I need to catch up on.

He stood up and pulled me along. He let his hand gently touch my cheek and I relaxed into his touch.

"Let's go then. Let's not keep him waiting any longer." He said and kissed me again, grabbing a hold of my hand as we walked towards the exit of the graveyard.

10 years of waiting.

And we finally stand by each other.

Hand in hand.

Like lovers.