#i feel like i might get shit for this somehow but FUCK IT
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How Much Is An SSR Worth?
Summary: Ren gets Taiga's help. SFW.
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The Sinostra students looked up at the approaching stranger. Their looks were clearly unfriendly, untrustworthy, and some of them even reached in their blazers as if for weapons(were they allowed to walk around campus armed!?) Ren froze and grit his teeth, looking at the little group of gangsters and at the blood red mop of hair of their leader who didn't even turn around to acknowledge him. He was starting to regret thinking this could work--there was no way this was worth it.
Before he could start to back away, the Captain of the Sinsotra house tipped his head further back, directing a pair of bright yellow eyes at him from where they'd been staring emptily into the ceiling. Ren froze. The slow blink he received reminded him of a cat video he'd seen online, albeit significantly less cute and even less likely to be a sign of affection.
". . .who're you?"
Ren briefly felt like he'd been transported into a mafia movie. It was the gravel in his voice, or maybe the cold look in his eyes.
He floundered for a bit, trying to come up with a way to bring up why he came over that didn't sound ludicrous to a normie. Just looking at this guy, he wouldn't know a thing about what he was talking about or needed--but he knew he might be his only hope right now. Maybe Taiga caught on to that hopelessness, or maybe he was amused by the fumbling, because his dull expression became a curious and interested one.
"Oh. Ain't you one of Harry's kids?" Harry? Did Haru know this guy!? Somehow that made it worse. Taiga spun around in his seat to look at Ren properly, his excited expression showing off his shark-like teeth. Those might be cool, if not for that he followed this question up with, "you here to bring me my lunch?"
"Your lunch?"
"Yeah. One of my guys promised me he'd get me something to eat." Taiga gave a sideways nod to the Sinostra students who were sitting with him. "And Harry's place is full of all that fresh meat, ain't it? You ain't here to deliver anything for me?"
"Fresh--" He wanted to eat the anomalies? Was anybody in this place normal? "N-no, I'm not here to bring you anything!"
"Oh." Taiga deflated and pouted. "So, who the fuck are you then? You got a debt to pay? Lulu doesn't like me doing business outside the casino without him around, but I can still handle that."
This was definitely starting to feel like Ren was in over his head.
"I just. I heard some things."
"Oooh." Taiga, once again, thinks he's got it and smiles. "You need a loan? You want some illicit goods? You want somebody to turn up in Tokyo Bay?"
"What!? No!! Are you seriously saying all that shit in broad daylight!?"
"Maybe I'm not serious about it at all!" Taiga laughed, seeming amused by Ren's increasing discomfort.
"I don't need things from Sinostra! I heard some things about you! I need something from you!"
Taiga was quiet for a moment, head tilted and eyes wide like he wasn't expecting personal business. Then he pouted again, looking off to the side. "Is Lulu trying to. . .nah, he wouldn't do that. Not without tellin' me. . .selling someone's organs would be a lot more lucrative than whoring me out anyway." He muttered to himself for a moment, while Ren fished his phone out of his pocket and thrust it towards him.
He immediately jumped back as the Sinostra students drew weapons to point at him. Taiga held up a hand to stop them from gunning someone down in the cafeteria and stared dully into the screen.
". . .the fuck is this?"
"I don't have a lot of resources and I don't have a lot of time--and I heard your luck is incredible, and I just need you to press this button here."
Ren pointed at a confirmation button on the screen, careful not to tap it. Taiga stared at it as if it weren't two sentences worth of text and it was taking a long time to read.
He reached forward and tapped the screen, then snatched Ren's wrist when he tried to pull away and protest being taken out of it. A few colorful characters appeared from behind the darkened screen of the confirmation popup. The link advertising rates immediately caught Taiga's eye, and he tapped at the screen, scrolling through the numbers with increasing interest.
The rates for the most artful of characters were insanely low, and a quick tap of the gems in the top of the screen said they cost a pretty penny. He idly committed the prices and numbers to memory(where they were lost as soon as he moved away from the screen) to calculate the value of.
"What're you doing!? I just--you just have to do the pull! You don't need to look at anything else!"
"This is gambling!" Taiga said cheerfully. "Some real shit odds at that! What, you're going for that one? It looks kinda like you, kid!"
He pointed at a character near the top of the rate screen. "No, I pulled that one already, somehow. . .it's the topmost one I'm after. Everybody says it's completely overpowered and all of the new meta's based on this unit, not to mention the art--"
Taiga nodded along, the gacha having had drawn some of his interest as a gambler. Way less fun than a game with anything of interest on the line, but it still seemed interesting. Not the characters or units or anything of that sort, but the act of pulling for things of value. . .he supposed it was named after gachapon machines. But the virtual nature of it meant less limited potential. . .so the artificial scarcity was formed by limited time features like this.
Quite the business tactic. Romeo might like it.
"So you just need me to press this button here, yeah?" Taiga navigated back to the gacha as though he'd been playing the game since release. He was almost invested now. "And you want me to get you this thing or whatever."
"Yes!! If you can!!" Taiga sneered and popped open the confirmation menu.
"Kid, I don't lose bets--"
Once again guns were pointed at Ren as he grabbed Taiga's finger before he could do the pull. Not appreciating the contact, Taiga smacked his hand away, and he winced at the feeling of his rings colliding with his palm.
"You--" he swallowed, trying to ignore the threats. The look on Taiga's face almost made him want to call it quits again. This was already way more effort than it was worth. . .to a normal person, anyway, but this pull could be the true beginning or the end of his playing this game. "You need to hold down on the screen, after you press the button. It doesn't seem like it does anything, but I swear I've gotten better pulls that way--"
"I don't need your superstitions, brat."
With that, Taiga tapped the button without even looking at the screen, glaring uncomfortably into Ren's face. At first, he was frozen, before the audio cue prompted him to spin the phone screen to face himself. "Wait, you did a single pull!? You were supposed to do a ten, the rate is higher that way!"
"Don't need it."
"But if I don't get it that's a waste of my--!!!"
Ren's jaw dropped as the screen flashed a multitude of colors. The gacha music faded out, and a new track began to play, a popular voice actress' recorded line playing accompanying the subtitled dialogue being spelt out across the screen. His eyes went wide as the SSR's unique animation played, and he watched on as his desperately desired pull came through on a single, effortless shot from a stranger.
"Holy shit you got it." Taiga grinned, looking over Ren's shoulder at the new unit, completely unaware of what it meant. At most, the art was kind of nice. Ren looked like he was holding in tears--or maybe a scream. "You actually. . .in a single pull!?"
"Gyahahaha! Told you I don't lose, kid!" He threw an overly friendly arm around Ren's shoulders. Ren looked at Taiga like he was a hero. Of course he did, until Taiga said, "hey. . .you ever heard the expression 'there's no such thing as a free lunch?'"
For a moment, Ren remembered all of the things Taiga mentioned before. Debts. Deaths. Illicit substances. His face fell, and Taiga gave him a squeeze and a friendly shake and a smile that was more sinister than sincere. For a moment, Ren wondered if he'd gotten himself into something he couldn't get out of. Did this single gacha pull just pull him into a life of crime? Was he about to be some sort of drug runner for the local organized crime house? Did he need to kill somebody? Could he kill somebody?
". . .What do I owe you?" It was just a gacha pull! Why did he go to the guys who look like the mob for a gacha pull!? What a stupid idea, just because he overheard that the captain of Sinostra had some unbelievable luck. The triumphant music playing from his phone and the animated character on the screen offered him no comfort and Taiga bore his sharp teeth in a grin.
"I'm glad you asked! Lulu throws a little bitchfit whenever I do somebody a favor without a price, even if it's a personal favor and not a Sinostra one." He leaned his cheek against Ren, tapping painted nails against his chest. "And I'd guess you'd ordinarily need to do a lot more than just one pull to get what you wanted, yeah? Maybe ten, maybe even a hundred?"
Ren nodded stiffly. The rates for this game were abysmal. But it was addictive.
"So the value. . .it's way more than just one, isn't it." He couldn't remember the numbers he'd seen earlier exactly, but he could do some calculations in his head. If he bothered to. But he knew enough people with gambling addictions to know how Ren's mind worked. This service was nigh invaluable to him. "And I saved you money. That's practically worth interest."
"W-wait a second!" Ren pulled away--or, perhaps Taiga let Ren pull away. "This didn't cost you anything but a few seconds, maybe a couple minutes! The gems you spent on the pull, they weren't even 1,000 yen in total! I could pay you that out of pocket and--"
"Y'know what? You're right. It didn't cost me a thing, what'm I even saying!" He laughed and smiled in a friendly way. Ren didn't trust the sudden change in attitude in the slightest. He'd let his guard down. But it couldn't stay down. "Hell, it was even kinda fun. All the flashy lights and pretty sounds--and you got your little drawing out of it, right? Not to mention, you're one of Harry's kids, aren't'cha!"
"Eugh. I am not his. . . ." Ren stopped himself, then grit his teeth. This could save him. Haru could be of use for once. "Y-yeah, I uh. . .he's a great. . .father. . .? Anyway, if you had fun and I got what I wanted, then we're even, right?"
"Sure, sure!" Taiga clapped Ren on the shoulder. "Hey, you got more of those things you want? It was pretty fun, I wouldn't mind helping you out again if you ever want more!"
This appealed too heavily to Ren's sensitivities for him to stay on guard like he wanted. ". . .really? If you don't get results, I'm not asking you again."
"Yeah, really! I'm waiting on my lunch anyway, what else've you got?"
". . .and I don't have to pay?"
"Nah, no cash. No crazy favors. Don't even worry about it."
That specific wording should have tipped him off that he wasn't entirely off scott free, but the idea of more free SSRs in his account catalogue enticed him too much. Taiga looked at his phone screen and tapped through to the gacha again.
". . .well. . .the unit gets stronger if you manage to pull it a second time--or, up to five times. So we could try pulling for it again. And there's another unit I wanted to get--oh, and in a different game--"
Taiga went along with Ren's increasing excitement, tapping away at the screen. Ten-pulls glimmered with high rarity units and supports even as games were switched. A few times Ren even asked Taiga to perform actions in the game for him, cheering quietly when he got him through difficult story missions that had been keeping him stuck in place for weeks.
All the while, Taiga insisted there was no charge.
But he didn't say anything about no debt.
And he may have said that Ren didn't have to pay, but that didn't mean he wouldn't extract value from him in other ways. In a few weeks Ren would be staring into the pen for some anomalous animal, wondering how he would get it all the way to Sinsotra without arousing suspicion, and trying not to think of the way he saw Taiga eat raw meat and bone that day, complaining to the student who'd brought it for him that it wasn't fresh enough but it'd do.
He refused to blame himself for all of this though. It's not his fault the guy with improbable luck was a mafia boss. It's not his fault the mafia boss was an underhanded carnivore. And it sure as hell wasn't his fault he was assigned to the house full of animals!
And it wasn't his fault that the gacha rates were so low he went this route either. It's capitalism's fault! It's the fault of companies preying on gambling addictions! He's not to blame for this! He refused to be!
#Tokyo debunker#taiga hoshibami#ren shiranami#danie yells at tokyo debunker#danie yells writing#huh. i didn't mean to make a whole fic out of that thought.#also ren is out of character i'm sure i didn't properly review his character before writing this it all just kind of came out#i just think it'd be funny if ren went to taiga for gacha pulls because he's always got such good luck#think of the ssrs!!!!#i haven't written a fic in. . .a while lol#also i hope i didn't write ren with a w at some point. that's a different guy.
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A funny detail about Cloak & Swaggart
A common misconception spread around regarding the episode "Cloak & Swaggart" is that Rupert is the theft when in actuality-
he's isn't. While Rupert is definitely not above such petty actions like thievery. In this case, he's very much innocent.
-OKAY OKAY PUT YOUR TOMATEOS DOWN! I KNOW HE'S BRITISH! Stop booing at me! BUT YOUR HONOUR!
My client is innocent of this specific instance.
(Read more below)
In "Cloak and Swaggart" our favourite Girlboss duo go out partying after Splinter and his boys are off "camping".
They are having the time of their lives, simply gals being pals.Yet something disastrous happens on girl's night leading to being the driving force of today's misadventure.
Sunita's Brooch is stolen by a mysterious assailant.
We know the thief of identity is unknown by judging the shape of their hand.
One could argue that this was an animation decision made by the team to make the twist a little more fun but this makes no sense from a narrative standpoint.
Mr Loose Lips can't be the thief because
A) look at his hands
B) He isn't a Yokai or a mutant- he's never seen dawning a brooch indicating he may have an alternative form.
Rupert can't be the thief because The Pigman has an alibi. This alibi is confirmed by Mr loose lips himself.
"Look kid, my clients suspect a certain level of discretion. Yea' think I'm just gonna tell yea that the brooch was bought by some big guy with a thick neck and an upturned nose an' paper hat, on his way to channel 6 ln a late-model charcoal grey stretch limousine?"
If Rupert was the theft, then why would he bother showing up to Mr loose lips in the first place? it makes no sense.
Even if we were to entertain the idea that this was a commission's work- it still wouldn't make sense.
Rupert Swaggert in this regard, is innocent. He had no clue that the brooch belonged to someone else upon buying it. Keep in mind, that the British bastard had never met April or Suntia before this.
This makes the Episode even MORE funnier when you look through his lenses.
He can return to his old career which he suddenly lost due to his mutation. He finally found the means to take back his old life but within ONE DAY- Rupert was harassed by two teenagers, whom he had never met before EVER in his life. (then nearly got eaten by some yanks)
From his perspective: He got robbed by some teens- for no reason
Before I close this off.
I worry that some folks take away from the post is me shifting the blame onto April and Suntia which... no, I'm not. They're well within their right to take back a family heirloom which belongs to Sunita.
besides They're TEENAGERS.
Do you think April gonna go over to a known dangerous mutant and be like "Ermm, can we have that brooch back? " OF COURSE NOT. don't be insane. These girls deserve a crown.
What I'm doing is pointing out the hilarity of this scenario.
We are all familiar with who Rupert is. He's an oversized porky jackass that has no problem committing extreme acts for his own benefit.
We are SO used to his shittiness that putting "stealing from teenage girls" on his list of crimes wouldn't be out of the question.
The only thing is... he didn't commit that here.
Dude tried to get his old job back only to have some teenager mess with his life again. he never met them and to his knowledge, the Brooch was something he purchased.
So the Verdict?
Rupert is innocent in regards to Suntia's stolen brooch
As for everything else? all his other crimes?
Guilty. Put this man away your honour.
case closed
#character analysis#Rottmnt#rottmnt april#april o'neil#rottmnt sunita#rise of the tmnt#rupert swaggert#cloak & swaggert#Suntia#i feel like i might get shit for this somehow but FUCK IT#ITS FUNNY#Meat sweats#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#teenage mutant ninja turtles#tmnt#unpause rise of the tmnt#unpause rottmnt#unpause rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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bitches be like. i hate vegans so much that i’ve decided i like killing animals and its fine and i dont feel bad and animals dont have feelings and its fine and im cool subversive and different and edgy and like to post fucked up stuff to make vegans uncomfortable bc im just so cool
#you sound like every cishet republican man to me#you're not a Cool Subversive Leftist you're literally regressing by seeing animals as just objects of your pleasure and thats it lmao#im sorry but you dont just get to throw out all of veganism. it does infact have some roots in leftism.#you can sit there and cope with the fact you agree w some vegan talking point by calling it 'animal welfare' all you want#doesnt change the fact that a lot of those ideas in those circles were formed by vegans.#damn woooah vegans arent a monolith and dont all agree on the same shit woooahhh who knew#literally i have no idea how we even got to this point or how this would be surprising.#when i was on vegan twitter bitches were arguing all the fucking time within it. ur really gonna sit ther en tell me they're all secret#eco fash that hates native ppl and people who have to eat meat? ya sure???#you would think the individuals on tumblr- of all places- would understand how frustrating it would be to be grouped in with the worst#members of their community as if you represent them and are the sole spokesperson#you'd think they'd hate when someone jumps to conclusions about them based on their lifestyle#but naur. i think yall take it too personally. as if a vegan just being in a room is somehow trying to force you to be vegan.#literally grow tf up.#if a vegan being in the same room with you triggers feelings in you that you Have to stop eating meat- i really think thats a you problem#bud. homeboy hasnt even spoke to you leta lone look at you and apparently you feel this weird pressure now#idk man dont you think that pressure might be coming within?? maybe.... you do infact feel things and feel a lil guilty abt eating meat?#not telling you to stop... i still eat meat here n there. but at least im honest with myself about how it makes me feel to do it.#its infact normal to take a second to think about the loss someone made in exploitation to provide you with whatever.#if you can let yourself feel a lil guilt about buying a fast fashion thing you can sure as fuck finally extend your fuckin empathy to#animals and stop treating them like objects or toys.
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I wonder how many tags i can add on to this
#there must be SOME kind of a limit otherwise posts would get suuuuuuper duper long like is it just 30?#idk but i'm going to find out by simply maxxing out the character limit for each tag and finding out the limit of tags for each post lololo#this is gonna be great. i just have to remember to type without ever using the comma. it shouldn't be too hard right? fuck i almost typed#the comma i'm already bad at this smh my head. also if your still here i commend you. you have a better attention span than i do.#i'm already starting to get bored holy shit this is not happening. i gotta power through this. FOR SCIENCEEEEEEEEEE. or somethinggggggggggg#but fr idk what else to say. maybe just saying that i don't know what to say will be good enough? but does that even count?#I don't even know anymore. ffffffffuck. this is gonna be a while huh? also holy shit if you're still here omg u deserve like. a prize or#something because u definitely didn't have to stay and read all of this bull shit. lololol i typed out bs but decided to just spell the who#thing out just to make it go by faster. i'm so lazy. this is only the nineth tag HOW will i make it to 30. i am sobbing the adhd is adhding#very hard rn. are you still here? bruh this is insane. i have somehow managed to keep ur attention this long and it's just me spouting#absolute balderdash. wait do you know what balderdash even means? i don't care if you do already i'm gonna tell you anyway. balderdash is#basically just another word for nonsense. boom. you learned something new today. balderdash equals nonsense equals this damn post.#why did i decide to do this in the first place. it was a dumb idea. i don't know if i can even keep going. this is only the *counts tags*#it's the 14th tag. we've got a long way to go boys. men. soldiers. comrads. friends. besties peeps. marshmallows.#where was i going with this? oh yeah. trying to max out the limit for tags. dang i almost typed a comma there. i haven't done that since#i think the third or fourth tag. dang that feels like such a long time ago. not for you guys probably. it feels longer because i have to li#type it all out and stuff. so it's definitely gonna feel longer for me. are you still here? good lord don't you have better things to#be doing than reading all of this? we're already on tag number 18. it feels like i should be on the thirtyeth by now. or however it's spell#'toast' you might be wondering 'why are you typing out the names of the numbers instead of say '9' or '5'?' well you see. young one.#this is a strategy i'm using to make each tag slightly longer. even if i don't know how to spell it. it'll make it just a little bit longer#anyway. i got off topic. not that there was ever a topic to begin with. unless it's about making this as long as i can.#which i am apparently good at doing. i guess. are you STILL here? do you seriously have nothing to do? i guess i'm flattered you stayed thi#whole time. instead of reading something else you stayed here. with me. listening to me talk. on the twenty-third tag. oh yeah its tag 23#except now it's tag twenty-four. how crazy is that. this little talk is almost over. only 6 tags away if memory serves right. this's strang#i kind of don't want this to end. but i know it should. after all there is a limit. but all things must come to and end at some point i gue#i'm running out of things to say. it's probably a good thing it's almost over. hahahahah............... but i don't want to go. i don't wan#to leave this post. i've worked so hard on it. and for what. just for it to end. are you still here? yes? good. i'd hate to end this alone.#thank you for indulging me and my craziness. the end is only 2 tags away now. you can go ahead and leave. i'll be okay on my own. really...#...you're still here? i- i don't know what to say. i suppose a toast is in order. perhaps. for this journey. this stupid dumb post i though#would be fun. i'll make it short. it's the last tag after all. this was fun. but i will never do it again. so long as a i live. i'll miss y
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ugly maths.
i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.
thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!
you... wanna see?
okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!
ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!
huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—
better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—
mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?
here, i can make it worse.
these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.
now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.
why ugly?
because it makes me ugly.
those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.
87, 75.
the thoughts are as follows:
• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.
• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.
• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!
okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:
that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.
4, 708.
ugly maths.
the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!
27.
mmmm.
6161, 1061.
5100.
87, 75.
12.
mmmm.
you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(
it made me :)
well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.
they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.
1.
have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?
i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.
oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.
ready?
838, 245.
(want a hint? the green numbers!)
838, 87. 245, 75.
9.6, 3.3.
ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!
the numbers make me ask new questions:
• why is it not good enough?
• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?
• is all this maths this really good for you?
no, it isn't.
i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.
ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.
ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.
i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.
#helia rants#cw vent#i'm okay but i'm not#this has been playing on my mind over the last couple of weeks#it's aimed at the sky rather than anyone here#i know i'm not the best myself as commenting. i justify it to myself by affirming i don't read much. which i don't.#since the start of the year i have tried to comment on everything i have read#bearing in mind i may also dm someone rather than comment because i want to scream and ramble about their fic more personally#that being said. i know i'm not the only one who finds themselves doing ugly maths#and in turn starting to feel uglier too#i don't like looking at the numbers#i was doing well at the start of the year#but as i open my drafts and look to a new chapter and at the notes i wrote#i can't stop myself from opening the fic. from seeing where it's at. from seeing if it's changed. from checking my inbox to see if...#if only...#what it's meant is that i've come to a point where a fic i loved has become exactly that: a fic i loved. past tense#the other fic is still a fic i love. but i know deep down that that is tied to the numbers too#i hate that this is what i've become#because i have tiny fics. fics with 50 hits and maybe 1 comment. and i love them. i still love them#but when it comes to the big ones. the multi-chapters. the hefty fics. after a point all i see are numbers#and those numbers have come to determine both my happiness and fulfilment as a writer#and so i am ugly. i am sad. i am pathetic.#and i don't know how to stop.#helia's stuff#this was meant to save back into my drafts. i was editing tags. tumblr decided it should post. so... so be it.#also this is not an attention thing if anyone dares go 'oh but you're a good writer uwu' i might do something we'll all regret#this is also not a 'ffs comment on my fics will you 😒' hell no#it's just about me. and my issue. and my unhealthy relationship with these fucking numbers.#gotta get this shit out of my head somehow :)
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I find it kind of interesting that we have a couple of delusions (and the hallucinations that come with those) that just kind of involve gruesome stuff happening to us, especially because they weren't as gruesome at first but have gotten more so over time.
the hallucinations are all somatic ones (sensations instead of visuals or audio) but they're stuff like I guess what our brain thinks it would feel like if our organs were decomposing, or being eaten by maggots, or just stuff with a similar vibe to that?
I can put up with it for the most part, but like I did nearly throw up on the bed because of it earlier and I'd really like to not experience that again
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#emetophobia tw#vent post#<- I guess? I mean it kinda sucks but I'm not that upset about it right now#anyway this is partly from the Cotard's delusion and partly because we also get delusions involving being parasitised#I think they're kind of linked together for us. like there's a similar vibe to them somehow#anyway the Cotard's delusion is like... it flares up every so often and gets really intense#but otherwise it's mostly just there in the background as like ''yeah that's a thing we experience'' but not affecting us that much#it's hard to explain how we usually feel about it when it's not flaring up really intensely#but at the moment it is flaring up so it's like... okay I guess this is what we're doing for the foreseeable future#idk we might just wake up later and be like ''oh never mind'' or it might flare up for a few weeks or whatever#also talking about this is wild because like I've definitely mentioned us having it but I'm still aware that everything says it's super rar#even though we've met multiple other people who have it and we had it for years without knowing it had a name or anything#but I'm still paranoid about getting fakeclaimed because people like to be like ''that's so rare. there's no way you can have that''#like idk what to tell you buddy my brain is convinced that I'm dead and that my organs are decomposing. I'm not happy about it either#being able to double-bookkeep and know we're experiencing a delusion also makes it weirder#because it's like yeah I know it sounds ridiculous and is technically impossible but my brain has decided that none of that matters#and me being like ''well that can't be true'' feels like being in denial so even though I know it's a delusion#a lot of the time it's easier to just lean into it and go ''okay sure I guess I'm dead. who gives a shit''#anyway let's see how I end up feeling after talking about this because either I'll post it and be like ''yeah this is fine''#or I'll get paranoid about being fakeclaimed or people being like ''what the actual fuck'' and end up deleting it
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in finland our biggest pride event canceled their partnership with our biggest political party because the party hadn't voted in agreement about our new trans law (to allow self-ID and remove requirement of being sterile (yeah really)) (the party had ruled it a “matter of conscience” and abt 1/3 voted against), and now our news are full of the members of that party being pissed abt it and our likely next prime minister commenting how this is “sad and offends many people”, and ppl are flocking to lament and mock how pride is so intolerable and how u have to have 100% correct opinions in order to participate and i'm
#rat.pov#i KNOW cis ppl who don't care really don't care and can't even pretend to care but somehow it still shocks me how unbelievable this shit is#they're literally like#''OH SO WE AS A PARTY HAD TO BE unanimously against forced sterilisation to be welcomed to your lil gay festival?? you ungrateful shits''#NBSFBEJFBEHJBHRNJETNJRMGNRGRGNERM#THEY DON'T EVEN GET THE ABSURDITY OF WHAT THEY'RE SAYING#some MPs of the party have literally said they won't now attend pride because of this#ok that's cool really don't care except that#yes we know you really Really REALLY don't care abt human rights but could you at least think of a less ridiculous way to announce it#can you imagine your members voting against our human rights might also have offended some people CAN YOU IMAGINE H BHBHRH#(they can't bc ppls brain are full of ''this is not an issue that touches normal real life people'' and ''your everyday person doesn't#even understand trans issues''. if only trans people were real everyday people :/)#also the future prime minister just said ''this is very sad and it does feel like a political move instead of an appropriate one''#??????????????????? i'm at a loss#what the fuck do you even mean.#how. HOW do you expect politics to not be political what the. fUCK is wrong with you grow a GODDAMN BRAIN?#and ppl in general like ''oh so pride is full on political now''#I'M BEGGING YOU.WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN WHAT HAS IT EVER BEEN EXCEPT POLITICAL#i know people think it's a funny gay carnival just to piss off straights and conservative christians but I WISH I COULD LAUGH.#it would be funny if it was#.#sorry to rant on side but i had to scream into a void somewhere
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I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse
#marquilla#im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's#gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a#dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you#incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and#theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future#and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to#be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS#so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff#bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then??#like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist#s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with#the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit#like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and#that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man#i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully#but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL#affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow??#idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.
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If ur waiting on a reply from me (and i know a couple of folks are rn) thank u for ur patience in waiting. I'm working on typing things up but today is just. idk how to put it but i keep winding up grumpy and my replies i feel are suffering for it. Pls know i do wanna chat and exchange ideas, I'm just trying to make sure the Grumpasaurus Rex side of my brain that's v loud today isn't mucking them up before i send them 🫂🫂❤️❤️
#text post#like it's genuinely nothing just bad takes online some shitty messages in my inbox on here and reddit and not sleeping well at all#attempted a nap i woke up from like tenish minutes ago and it was all a realistic nightmare#in which ct house was somehow connected to nd condo & i kept getting caught on one side or the other at a time#unable to touch or talk to anyone until i was fully on either 'side' for a good while#made the flow of time feel fucked up and i fully expected this to have been a longer nap considering how time felt in there lol#but yeah. I'm trying and im v grateful to y'all waiting for being patient with me. thank u & i promise ill have my shit together soon#(aka might take an edible and just. idek. bake maybe? my brain isn't happy doing anything rn but cookies are always good)#have a potential call with mum later i need to prep for#...worst case scenario i try to nap a bit more and hope i don't wind up stuck in that weird hallway from my dream again#worst bit was the nd cats and my mum and ct cats and Housemate on each side both trying to get me out but couldn't#really don't wanna feel as stuck as i did in this dream but hey!! maybe it's trying to tell me something lmao#not entirely sure what but that's nothing new for me lmao#normally wouldn't post like this for replies but everyone waiting follows me so i figure this reaches everyone easily enough#& hopefully is better/more useful than me going radio silent bc my brain is being a baby abt shit that means nothing lmao
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I never asked for the burden of existence.
#stuff sarah says#i keep thinking about work yesterday#im so sick of worrying about every little thing and the butterfly effect it might create#i hate being perceived and knowing my avtions have unknown consequences#like i just want to vibe and live my life and do what i can to better myself and be happy#but that feels impossible#someone might get upset. someone might get sad#i might unknowingly be contributing harm to the world and others by doing something#how am i supposed to live when im scared people will hate me bc someone else appreciates that im a hard worker?#what am i supposed to do? start being shit at my job? thats also not an option#i miss when i could just do my best and enjoy my hobbies and not worry about people getting upset#i just want to live my life without the overwhelming fear of unforseen consequences#and i know i know my therapist would tell me that im not responsible for how other people react#especially since im not trying to upset people. im not intentionally antagonizing others#but i dont have him to tell me logically correct things anymore so like#and also its fucking bananas that this is ocd#obsession: worrying about others' wellbeing. compulsion: refusing to be happy bc that protects them somehow#people are like but ur room is so messy like karen that is not the only manifestation but okay#i want to scoop the bad bits of my brain out with a melon baller. i think that would do wonders for me
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sometimes these days i think about who I was in 2017, compare them to who I am now. i've come so far, in so many ways, and I can't help but see that person as someone else entirely. They were so helpless, too proud to accept help or even that they needed help. They couldn't cook, couldn't keep a single thing clean - the guy I was dating back then once found a not-quite-empty half gallon of milk ready to explode behind my desk - and they couldn't make it to class, hardly ever. They went to OSU for two semesters, a different major each one because they couldn't decide what to do with themselves, and promptly failed out because they could not make it to class. There's similarities, I was still there under the skin; I've always been a fighter, never willing to give up, but back then I didn't even have a vision of what I wanted. I was just flailing around, determined to keep my head above water and convinced that was the whole end goal of my life.
It's like to that person, nothing better was even imagineable, which is probably why this year has been so surreal. Am I making any sales yet on my stock art? No, lol, I'm not even marketing enough for half my friends to know I'm in the ttrpg sphere professionally, as it turns out. But I'm doing it. I'm doing regular releases, actually keeping to a professional goal - I have a trade name, I'm networking, I've already had one paid project this year. I fought tooth and claw to finally get my degree, and now I have a salaried job. It's not perfect, but I finally fucking figured out what I'm fighting for, and it's not settling for being able to breathe. The last few years I've been so much happier than like... any other time in my life, even while dealing with some seriously crushing medical issues that STILL affect me today, and while I've been sort of confused but not questioning it this whole time, I think this is the root of it.
I'm not trying to go it alone, I'm not accepting anything less than happiness. I'm setting goals based on what will make me happy and satisfied with my life, instead of what I think I can convince life to give me. It's not easy, nothing worthwhile is, but I think I'd actually rather die than go back to who I was back then, wallowing in my circumstances and telling myself it was enough.
#this feels pretentious somehow but im literally just trying to get my thoughts down so whatever#i always feel a little dumb saying shit like 'i clawed my way to where i am' because i do have a pretty privileged background#but it turns out health does not give a shit about that and is an equal opportunity asshole#most people say it and mean theyre fighting society but i mean it like i fought myself and god and won#or at least am winning#very much still fighting the good fight#but i refuse to stand still#i refuse to just let things happen to me if i can do literally anything about it#we keep moving#one foot in front of the other#yelling at the void#also if you're wondering the use of they is very intentional#because honestly part of the divide is that back then i was iding as nb and avoiding thinking about gender any further#i didnt WANT to think about it. i blocked out the idea that i might be anything else for a long time#it was like two years ago now that a fucking. tiktok. shattered that shell#idk im just living more authentically as myself nowadays in like a million ways#and i am so so glad#i dont like... hate my old self or anything though#if anything i pity them#imagine if they had been able to pick themselves up off the ground sooner#what could they have done at OSU? what could they have done with their life?#well. they didn't. so they're me now#and I'm doing this now instead of whatever they'd have done#suddenly understanding the idea that life is a series of ego deaths
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You fucking idiots dont fucking get it. ive been taking care of plants since i was 14. Ive tried FUCKING EVERYTHING. Fungus gnats are just apparently gonna exist around me no matter what i do or try, apparently just like these yerfs who also seem to be breeding like maggots.
#please! non plant experts stfu forever.#please! if you dont take care of a grden or live by a heavily wooded areas and dont have any plants inside too that arent succs-#shut the fuck up forever!!#whatever you're about to suggest! ive fucking tried it!!!#but of course. like the yerfs you are you cant ever take me at my word for my own experiences. its always that yall know whats right always#and never that im actually fucking correct about the shit i talk about. like maybe its just really fucking hard to control their population#did you ever consider that sometimes you have to make sacrifices if you want to take care of something like plants? i have to wake up at 6#in the morning now JUST to keep the squirrels scared away from my planters. bc if i sleep in at all i risk letting my plants die bc of#their bs. unfortunately theres just shit that comes with plants that you have to decide whether or not your love for plants is greater than#whatever bs you might encounter while you take care of them. and unfortunately one of those sacrifices is having to deal with fungus gnats#and bugs in general. yall think its so easy to control bugs in my apartment. im poor. nothing is sealed here.#i had a fucking mosquito infestation. how does that even happen? i dont fucking know! but it did.#ive had a meal moth infestation. how did they get in? they were breeding in a little bag of old food i had for my hermit crabs.#how did they get in and somehow get to that bag all the way in my room? WHO FUCKIN KNOWS! I SUSPECT THOUGH ITS BC IM FUCKIN POOR#AND THIS SHIT AINT SEALED IN HERE WELL ENOUGH. i have bug problems all the time.#and you're gonna tell me its just suddenly so easy to get rid of gnats.#this is why ik none of yall *actually* take care of plants. like actually truly. outside of what. your succulents and the one palm you have#im really happy that you have plants you can deprive of water for a few days but i have marsh plants! i have swamp plants! I CANT deprive#them of moisture acrually! so its really not that fucking easy to get eid of the fucking gnats! i feel like i should have to fucking#explain this. if you actually took care of plants forreal forreal you would know they are just not fucking easy to get rid of.#but naw. im trans. so that means i never know what im talking about about anything or whatever and yall gotta act paternalistic about#everything i do. meanwhile im sitting over here ripping out my hair about how dumb and juvenile YALL are bc ik for a gotdamn fact if any of#yall ugly fucks ACTUALLY took care of plants outside of the ornamental ones you have this wouldnt be a discussion.#but naw ya saw a jokey post of mine about how i felt defeated in my ability to get rid of the gnats and decided i wasnt actually trying#bc for some reason yall gotta assume that no trans person actually just knows wtf theyre talking about literally on anything.#anyways i hope yall get plagued by gnats forever and all your planrs die from them devouring the roots.#its like yall are new souls coming in acting like you're an old soul and im the actual old soul tryna tell you what it is but yall are just#*so convinced* you're right because everyone says im the crazy old man on the corner so that means i dont know anything or some#dumb reasoning like that. like idk maybe this old man has seen some shit and knows some shit but sure im sure yall little asses know wrf#ur talking about. totally.
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please fucking look at this cat my buddy found who he or i might take in
#shes so fucking cute. shes SO FUCKING CUTE.#cats#black cats#i want her so bad ever since the three pets that were mine all died horribly within one month ive been desperate for a cat of my own#ever since my childhood cat had a random stroke and died one day ive just had this daydream every single day that id find a stray cat and#take it in#and my parents love to drive home the fact that their cats (i live with them) are THEIR cats anf not even slightly mine#so im like. please. i want a cat of my own so fucking badly#i dont feel like i own any of 'my' things bc everything i own was either gifted or bought by my parents and will have to stay when i move#out#idk. i feel like i have nothing!! i want a pet thats just mine!! and this girl showed up right when shit is horrific in my life!!!!#she feels like a gift!!!#even if my buddy keeps her instead of me keeping her she just feels like such a gift such a blessing and ill be overjoyed as long as shes in#my life somehow#im begging and pleading to my parents and theyre saying no but like. i am going to keep begging and pleading#bc thinking about her going to the shelter just makes me feel like im about to fucking burst into tears#i feel like crying in joy every time i see her and then any time i think about how she might have to Go i feel like sobbing my eyes out#but ive rambled enough#yew branch#ill keep my 8 followers updated on if i get to have her or if my buddy gets to have her#fav#<- so that i can find this whenever bc i love her i love these pics
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really irritating that the avenue of communication i keep open bc i pay the phone bill keeps using it to inundate me with fucking Ads?
#toy txt post#I DONT WANT A NEW PHONE. I DONT WANT AI. LEAVE ME ALONE UNLESS THERE IS A FUCKING PROBLEM. GO DIE IN A FUCKING HOLE#@both SAMSUNG AND VERIZON. ROT#the best part is that they ALSO keep sending me shit like 'agree to opt in to whatever the fuck new terms and conditions to continue#recieving offers! LAST CHANCE!#it never is the last chance and not interacting with it or actively opting in somehow never makes them stop sending me the fucking#offers! youre a liar and piece of shit#youre not getting my fucking s10. im not trading in jack shit. i will keep it until it is fucking bricked#i still have my old HTC one maxx or whatever and i am only now considering send that to some sort of erecycling place if i can#bc it is reaching fully non functional levels despite turning on still so ig i should wipe it and see if it can be taken apart and things#reused. hopefully. i know its inefficient and expensive to do that but idk i think maybe we're looking at the cost wrong. idk. no nvm#i was gonna say maybe it doesnt have to be if you actually valued the human lives youre throwing into the precious metals mines#but quite frankly it does feel like theyre gonna make it cheaper to recycle parts by doing the exact same shit and juat having someone they#see as worth less as a human being paid pennies to hunch over a stupid bricked device and pull miniscule amounts of precious metals out#instead of the mines. that might be marginally better working conditions than The Mines idk. theyll find a way to make cruelty the point#tho im sure. god#also#256gb???? 256gb??? are you fucking kidding me??? die#the s10 has over 500 and ive discovered i CAN in fact fit 1tb microSD card. rot and die. you are nothing to me. useless.
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>:3
#i feel like sisyphus in this job space tonight so assorted bellumbeck thoughts go#tryjng to not touch on the stuff im writing an actual post on bjt i might repeat stuff and get into ship territory#so like. i enjoy getting way too deep abt bellumbeck and the possible parallels and w/e between bellum n linebeck#things to get deeper abt them and connections between them. abt linebeck being somehow more drawn to bellum than oshus#tryina get my mind off of things. school work world at large yknow. uh. trying to stay optimistic. idk if thats a good idea rn#anyways. um. something abt like. bellum is to linebeck as the spirits are to link. linebeck and link as the two major human main characters#being kind of strongly associated with these opposing forces? linebeck and link being foils/generally very different#yknow? like maybe oshus/the spirits ofc choose him in a sense bc he aligns with their goals and beliefs#while linebeck aligns more with bellum’s goals (which ig you can infer with some similarities between them from what you see)#yeah. making it way deeper than it actually is. bellum meeting linebeck in the middle in some form before just yknow. fucking with him#the thing between linebeck and bellum is so fun. it starts with bellum just throwing all of linebecks trauma at him and that backfiring#then trying to get him on to his side with the whole like i mean you do fantasize abt murder dude and then that falling flat#and then just giving up and getting violent and then THAT backfires bc uh oh he started venting by accident n linebecks kinda into this#its half weird silly visceral homoerotic WHATEVER and the just straight up literary analysis of this 17 year old game#oh god ph is turning 17 this year. now THAT makes me feel old#anyyyyyways. i do like linebeck kind of being v similar to bellum. the disdain for ciela. a mlre chaotic and self serving way of life.#hatred for ppl who try to limit or control him. bit of a scrappier n frantic mindset when scared. loves to hit da bricks when shit sucks#i am putting them together like little dolls i think brllumbeck is really interesting to get wayyyy too invested in.
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.
#so for the last like. as long as i can remember. ive had a shit sleep schedule#mostly like sleep all day and stay up all night kinda shit#but i got sick/burnt out recently and slept for almost two days straight#and somehow it reset my sleep schedule to something normal#like i went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am for the last few days#and i havent had to nap#and the not needing to nap is really fucking with me#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work#i should be napping rn. but im not tired#i dont have to get ready for work for another four hours and ive already been awake for three hours#i went to the coffee shop and to walgreens. im in real clothes instead of pajamas. i did a load of laundry#im laying in bed (its so hot i might be dying) and i just. dont know what to do with my time#im probably gonna do some cleaning and packing because im moving in two months#idk im just feeling some strange type of way because for the last few days ive been. alive#instead of sleeping my life away#its so strange. i got sick. slept for a few days. and now my biggest problem is just fixed? and i can have a life now?#its 70 degrees today and the world is my oyster. what should i do?#i have a list of chores im gonna do. i might walk to the coinstar machine so ill have money#yeah i want to do that cuz im in the negatives in my bank account but i want to get a cool drink before work today#my dad texted me this morning 'noticed your bank account is overdrawn for the second time this week. whats going on kid?'#which is such a sad text to get because i know im broke. thanks dad. lets pls ignore my financial hardships#if you want to make my dad less sad hmu for my venmo /hj#anyways ill probs do that today. get some cash so i can get a frozen lemonade from wawa or something#yknow that post thats like 'seasonal depression seems fake until its 50 degrees in march and it feels like you took a party drug'#i think thats partially whats happening here. its 70 degrees and sunny and my systems dont know what to do with that#i hope youre all having a great day that you dont sleep through. i love you!!
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