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winterscaptain · 4 years

Text

through and through.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader

a/n: this is our ajf minimal loss fic! as (usually) usual, its more fun if you read the rest of the series, but this one stands on its own just fine. lemme know what you think!!

words: 5.8k warnings: canon-typical violence, death, and injury, language, aaron Flexing on These Hoes™

summary: the septarian sect ranch situation is hard enough with the memories of waco. the knowledge you’re in danger, along with reid and prentiss, has aaron on edge.

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | requests closed!

“Everyone just stay calm!”

Nancy turns, assuring you with a naive and placating smile, “I’m state police. I’m an officer of the state.”

Stupid. Stupid!

“Well, there’s nothing we can do right now.” Emily, ever the voice of reason, assures from behind you.

“We just have to calm down.” Your useless attempt at de-escalation is overrun by gunfire.

“I can talk to him.” Lunde turns to go, and you reach for the back of her shirt, trying to pull her back.

You manage to get past the goons in the front, while they stop Emily. There’s only one chance. “No, Nancy! Wait.”

As you run after her out of the tunnel to the main level, you give her more and more space. The noise and smoke is a little overwhelming and you almost lose her in your confusion and distraction. Cyrus shouts to cease fire, but it’s in vain. The gunfire echoes around you, and you can’t help but think of Aaron.

What if I don’t come home?

She rushes to the front of the building, by the window, and addresses Benjamin. “Mr. Cyrus, let me talk to them.”

You catch up to here in the chapel, reaching for her arm to pull her back to safety when something stops you. You can’t feel it at first, but when you watch Lunde drop to the ground, you know.

Fuck.

Hitting the deck right away, you put pressure on the gunshot wound that’s torn through your left shoulder. You breathe deeply, fighting the panic you know will only hurt you more. The shock still numbs the pain and when you look, it seems through and through. The back of your blazer is ripped through, and there’s a hole in the wall behind you.

That’s a comfort.

The last thing you needed was a .223 round bouncing around in your chest. You’re grateful enough it didn’t tear your arm off entirely.

You crawl around the corner and press yourself against the wall. With a groan, you remove your blazer and tie it around your shoulder as best you can. You chance a glance at Nancy, but she's already gone - unseeing eyes turned toward the ceiling, her hand limp on the carpet, blood blossoming across the chest of her teal blouse.

Damn it.

Cyrus’s men shout around you, and it feels more and more like an active warzone with every passing second

“Man down, man down! We can’t stay here!”

“Hold your fire!”

You breathe as deeply as you can, tucking your arm to your belly and closing your eyes. The gunfire slowly ceases, the movement around you becoming only a little less frantic.

Aaron will know. He’ll find us. We’ll be okay.

Your shoulder twinges. The adrenaline is starting to wear off, and you only hope you go into shock soon for the sake of your pain tolerance.

Aaron, please. Please hurry.

+++

“Morgan.” JJ bursts through the glass doors and unmutes the television in the corner.

“What’s up?”

She increases the volume, and they hear, “... a routine question and answers meeting by Colorado Child Services has turned into a violent and deadly standoff between Colorado authorities and a fringe religious group known as the Septarian Sect.”

Morgan stands, ready to leap into action. “JJ...That’s not the ranch were -”

“They’re still inside.”

Derek’s voice rockets across the office as he calls for Hotch, who immediately ends his call and leaves his office, leaning heavily on the banister. Derek tells him you’re still in there, with Reid and Prentiss.

“...at least three child services members are still trapped inside the compound.”

No.

Aaron swallows heavily,

Keep your head, Hotcher. It’ll be okay.

Phones start ringing all at once. Everyone looks to Aaron, and he’s already back in his office, grabbing his things. He flies back out, blazer slung over his shoulder and go bag in-hand. “Wheels up. Now.”

+++

You watch as they haul Lunde’s body out of the way. Someone helps you to your feet. You’re feeling pretty dizzy.

“Can I have some water? Please?” You know for certain you’re in shock now, and keeping your blood pressure and volume high enough is the only way you’ll make it out alright.

“We’ll get you what you need after we take you back to your people.”

There’s always been a little part of you that believes in the nugget of humanity in people. Today, it might just save your life.

Emily rushes to you as you step down into the basement. Reid hovers, nervous and watchful. Emily’s voice is steady. “We need water and medical attention.”

“First aid kit is in the corner.” Cyrus points and Reid jets off to grab it while Cyrus continues giving direction. Someone hands her three bottles of water, and she sets them by your side.

Emily’s hand flutters over your forehead, as if checking you for fever. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine. Through and through. Just gotta stop the bleeding.” You know you’re slurring your words a little bit, but it’s not as bad as it could be.

“I prayed this day would never come, but it has.” Cyrus shoulders a rifle. “God will see us through.”

Fuck.

Cyrus’s eyes linger on you and Emily a little longer than is comfortable, but that’s the least of your worries. Spencer returns with the kit, pulling out packing gauze and wrapping.

Emily helps you with your blazer and shirt, leaving your shoulder exposed to the mountain air. Spencer packs your wound while Emily starts wrapping the gauze around your ribs and shoulder. “You’re gonna be okay.”

You put a hand on her arm. “I know. Thanks.”

+++

Hotch comes to a screaming stop in the SUV, his suit jacket long gone in the Colorado heat. He immediately makes assignments. “Dave, I’m making you lead negotiator.”

“Me?” Dave asks.

“Why go to the students when I have the teacher?” Aaron’s eyes are probing and hold all the respect in the world for his dear friend.

“Because the teacher is emotionally involved!” Dave cants his head toward the compound, and Aaron’s eyes follow, as if searching for you. Dave’s eyes stay steady on Aaron - watching him look for you. “And so is the Agent in Charge.”

With a defeated sigh, Aaron cops to it. “I know I am. This is a unique situation.” At Dave’s squint, he continues. “We have three agents who could affect the outcome on the inside.” His voice is low and riddled with tension. The concern radiates off of him in waves, and he can only hope it passes as concern for the whole team.

In truth, it’s almost all for you. He can’t explain it, but he knows something isn’t right.

“I can’t be objective. I know them too well.” Dave does everything he can to pull Aaron from direct control, but he knows it's a lost cause. More than one part of him knows why.

Aaron’s jaw tightens, and he’s more intense than before when he replies, “This outcome depends as much on our ability to predict the moves of our team as Cyrus. That’s why you’re the best man for the job.”

“Assuming they’re still in a position to make moves.”

The thought is near-unbearable. He softens, taking another approach.

“I know how bad this is. That’s why I want you doing the talking.”

“Alright.”

Aaron claps Dave on the shoulder, and it’s a silent thanks. Before they can move, there’s more commotion around the back of the FBI staging area.

Goddamn it. What now?

“...I’m sorry sir, I’m under direct orders from the FBI.”

Dave and Aaron share a glance, and Aaron leads the way to the argument.

“I’m the Attorney General of this state.”

He can’t help it. A smirk crosses Aaron’s face.

Lawyers. Alright. I can do lawyers.

There’s also a part of him relieved that he can offload some of this stress into some kind of altercation. An opportunity to flex his Juris Doctorate never hurts.

“I demand to know why I wasn’t told that the FBI was sending undercover agents into the Septarian Ranch -”

Alright. That’s it.

Aaron turns, an insulting kind of disbelief on his face. Steadily and without haste, he approaches. “The only thing that you’re in the position to demand is a lawyer.” A spike of anger strikes his chest.

He knew about this raid. He knew and he failed to tell us.

And now his people are in trouble.

You are in trouble.

“Who the hell are you?” The overblown AG turns on Aaron.

Big mistake.

“I’m Aaron Hotchner. Unit Chief. I’m the guy who’s gonna tell the Attorney General of the United States whether to charge you with obstructing a federal investigation or negligent homicide.”

And it’s not an empty threat, dipshit.

“You can’t talk to me like that.” Was that a smug smile on his face?

Aaron steps up to him, nearly nose to nose. The adrenaline and anger and fear floods through him and leaks through his words. “Get off my crime scene.”

Hard brown eyes stare down weak blue ones. Aaron wins.

+++

“Then leave us alone.” Cyrus’s voice belies no tension as he paces. Your eyes follow him, much more alert now that much of the bleeding has stopped and you have some water in you. Emily strapped ice to your shoulder about twenty minutes ago. You might end up with a little nerve damage, but it's better than bleeding to death.

“I’m afraid we can’t do that, Benjamin.” Dave takes a breath, delivering the information steadily. “One of the police bled out on the way to the hospital. So let’s just stop this before things get worse.”

Aaron’s brows, already low, get even lower. Derek, hovering behind Rossi, takes note. The tension in his unit chief is different and he doesn’t know what it is.

“Please,” Dave continues, “just put down your guns and come out.”

A buzzing takes over Aaron’s senses for a moment, and he shakes his head to rid himself of it. He reaches down for a bottle of water, downing half of it before he puts it back down.

“Now, the four child service workers…” That catches Aaron’s attention, and he snaps to. “One of them is dead. It wasn’t us.”

You bite your lip, watching Benjamin pace near the door. That phrasing will do nothing but panic your team, and you know it. Tipping your head against the wall behind you, you throw out anything you can.

I’m alright, Aaron. We’re okay.

Aaron’s head drops and he wets his lips. He closes his eyes, doing his best to keep himself from running straight for the compound.

No. Please. I’ll get what I get for wishing it’s someone else, but please let it be someone else. Anyone else.

What if it was Prentiss?

What if it was Reid?

Guilt floods him and he pushes the thoughts aside.

Dave keeps his voice clear and even. The depth of Aaron’s gratitude and respect is ineffable. There’s nobody better for the job. “I need a name to inform the family.”

“Her name was Nancy Lunde.”

Aaron nearly collapses in relief, pushing away the guilt as it rises in his sternum.

“One service worker was shot in the same altercation, but we have provided medical care and the wound is non-lethal.”

Say my name. Say my name, please.

He doesn’t, and you grind your teeth together.

Dave nods, glancing at Aaron. “Okay. Now, please, Benjamin, send out your wounded, including the injured service worker. I promise they’ll be taken care of.”

“With enough supplies, we can tend to our own.”

“Okay, I’ll need a few hours to put them together. I’ll bring them up myself at first light.”

You can’t hear what Dave says on the other end of the line, but Cyrus’s lack of reaction can only be a good thing.

“You should get some sleep.” Emily, sitting next to you, checks over your wound again. Spencer’s on your other side with his eyes closed, but you know he’s not sleeping either.

Closing your eyes, you reply, “I can’t.” Nevertheless, you reach for her hand. She slips her fingers into your palm. “Mm. Your hands are warm.”

“Well, yeah. I didn’t get shot today.” She’d usually jostle you with a jab like that, but she knows better - obviously.

+++

When first light comes, you open your eyes. You’re not sure, but it was likely you got at least a couple of hours of sleep. There’s a lot you don’t remember from the night before, but you know they shuffled you up to the chapel at some point.

Probably a good thing.

The ice has melted and your arm is all wet. You check your dressings and find them working well enough. They’ll still have to be changed, but you can’t deny the effectiveness of Emily’s instruction and handiwork.

A car door closes outside. Emily stirs, immediately reaching for a nearby bottle of water. She hands it to you after she takes a couple of sips. Shuffling around Spencer, you take it with your good arm and drink as much as you can.

Wait. Didn’t Spencer say you could do a transfusion with coconut water?

Do I even need a transfusion?

Yes.

Oh. Thanks.

A knock on the door startles you out of your half-delirious thoughts. You’re grateful for the distraction. The feeling increases tenfold when Dave walks into the chapel.

Aaron’s nearby. It’ll be okay. He probably put Dave on this himself.

“The children, and our guests.” Cyrus gestures to you, proving to Dave that everyone is in fact, relatively, alright.

You turn your head (ouch) and meet Dave’s eyes. Looking back down, you’re satisfied he knows you’re alive.

“I was hoping you’d let me take the children,” Dave says.

Benjamin shakes his head. “Nah. They’re our protection.”

We are, too, dumbass.

The two men chat for a moment. Your heart feels like it grows three sizes as you listen to Dave do what he does best.

It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.

You have to believe it.

After Dave leaves, they make you stand off to the side while they pour wine for everyone present. Emily starts whispering, and you know she’s profiling the adults. It’s probably smart, but all your energy is focused on remaining upright and ignoring the throbbing ache in your shoulder.

+++

Dave jogs back up to the staging area and assures them you’re all okay. He relays your condition to Aaron, “...but it looks alright. Well-dressed and not bleeding through.”

Aaron nods. So that’s what the feeling was. You’re alright, but it’s still wrong. He shoves down something else that scares him a little.

That’s a problem for another time.

Is it a problem, though?

Yes.

“He’s too calm. It’s - It’s like he was waiting for this to happen and now that it has, he feels vindicated.”

Aaron rounds the table and comes to rest at Dave’s side. They’re in full strategy mode. The opportunity to stretch their abilities is welcome, but they both wish it was under better circumstances with lower stakes.

His hands flutter uselessly at his sides. Restless energy still rockets around his limbs and he hates it. He hates feeling so deeply out of control.

“I have a signal!”

Derek, Dave, and Aaron flock to their headphones, tuning in just in time to hear Cyrus inform the congregation they have all ingested the poison together.

+++

Emily’s eyes shoot around the room, and you know what she’s thinking.

The profile didn’t indicate mass suicide…

This doesn’t fit

He continues to deliver his sermon and you tune out, focused on the faces of Cyrus’s followers. Right now, they’re more revealing than he’ll ever be.

+++

“This doesn’t fit.”

Dave voices Aaron’s thoughts exactly. It quickly devolves into discussion of a breach, and Aaron brings a hand to his forehead. He’s ready to go.

“If we go into there, people are going to die.”

Aaron’s hand flies out to the side. “People are already dying.”

Rossi’s eyebrows raise, and Aaron tries to keep his hackles down.

+++

“What do we do?” Emily whispers.

Spencer shakes his head. “Nothing.”

“We have to do something,” you hiss. “These people just took poison.”

“Cyrus just told them he did and I think he’s bluffing.”

Emily’s brow crumples. “Why do you think that?”

Spencer’s following observations make sense - the notes, the watching armed bystanders. It’s strategically sound for Cyrus to weed out the weak in his congregation.

After a moment, Cyrus admits it was a test of faith. “...Watch each other for signs of weakness. You are your brother’s keeper.”

+++

Frustrated, Aaron runs his hands through his hair. “Tell ‘em to stand down.”

The tension is getting to him, as is the lack of sleep. Dave made him lay down overnight, but he never once closed his eyes. He was worried about Prentiss. He was worried about Reid.

He was worried about you.

I almost got all of them killed.

Step it up, Hotchner. You chose Dave for a reason.

Listen to him.

+++

“...well into its second day, the standoff at the Septarian Sept ranch has now been taken over by the FBI. There was much speculation in regard to hostages…”

Aaron hovers behind JJ, completely tuned in to the news. This could be disastrous.

“...But anonymous sources inside the state attorney general’s office have told us there is an undercover FBI agent currently being held inside the Septarian Sect ranch.”

This is disastrous.

Everyone reacts, but Aaron walks away. He can’t face this right now. There’s too much to do, too much to think about.

Don’t do anything stupid.

He only hopes you can hear him, somehow.

Please don’t be a hero.

+++

Cyrus enters, all bluster and confidence.

Shit. Something happened.

“Which one of you is it?”

You all just stare at him. He pulls a gun from his waistband and you jump a little. The movement twinges your shoulder, and you let out a small wince.

“Which one of you is the FBI agent?”

Spencer is the first to speak. “Why do you think one of us is an FBI agent?”

Yikes, Spence. Question for a question.

Wait. Maybe it will work.

Something in you tells you to keep your mouth shut, and you do. The last thing you want is to screw up whatever Spencer’s cooking up. His brain moves a lot faster than yours.

Don’t do anything stupid.

“God will forgive me for what I must do.”

You can feel your eyes widen as Cyrus raises the gun to Spencer’s head. You’re completely frozen, as if something’s physically holding you in place.

Don’t be a hero.

You’ve been shot, idiot. Your shock response is all over the place.

No, it’s different.

Yeah. Sure.

You roll your eyes at yourself, but quickly cover it by crinkling your face up in what you hope looks like confusion.

“I - I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Cyrus looks at you and you shake your head, doing your best to look like a deer in headlights. “One of you does,” he says. “Who is it?”

Before you can open your mouth, Emily jumps in without hesitation. “Me. It’s me.”

Spencer looks at her like she’s grown a second head. Cyrus lowers the gun and you take a breath. You don’t have much time to recover, though, as Cyrus snatches Emily by the hair and drags her out of the room.

Your breath catches and you leap to your feet with Spencer. The dizziness doesn’t phase you, but your concern for Emily certainly does.

Don’t cry.

Don’t be a hero.

There’s a gun to your head and you do your best to relax. You raise your good arm into the air, as if you could be a threat with a half-inch hole through your shoulder.

Shit.

+++

Between your gunshot wound and now listening to Emily getting the shit beat out of her, this is a bad day for Aaron.

Someone else hauls you by your bad arm into another room, and you can’t help but yelp. They need to listen to Emily now, so you do your best to stifle the urge to cry out. You’ll answer all the questions as quietly as possible.

They need to hear Emily.

Aaron, please have ears in there.

+++

Aaron very nearly throws the headphones off. He’d know your voice anywhere, even raised in pain. The overlapping cacophony of anguish breaks his chest wide open.

“We gotta go in.” He stands and removes his headphones, unable to listen any longer.

Rossi shakes his head, still tuned in. “We’d be risking the lives of everyone in there.”

+++

You can hear Emily through the wall, and you bite your tongue until it bleeds. The man (who still has a hold on your arm), throws you into a chair. You let out a small wail, but cover your mouth with your good hand before speaking. “Please, I -”

“Did you know?”

“No. No.” They need to hear Emily.

“Tribulation breeds resilience,” the man says, dropping close to you. His thumb digs into your wound. It’s too much and you internally apologize to Aaron as you let out a sob. “God rewards the resilient. He rewards those who cleanse themselves of evil.”

“Please -”

He shakes you and man does it hurt. The pain shoots from your shoulder to your fingertips and zings all the way down your back. You’re hot and cold at the same time and don’t have the energy to fight it anymore. You break down, and sound falls from your mouth as the man continues to preach at you, all the while tweaking and twisting and squeezing your shoulder.

+++

“He’s got them both.” Aaron stands, his palms pressed flat to the table. Hearing you in that kind of pain ignites something white-hot in his chest. He hurts for Emily, too, but at least she’s still able to talk.

“I can take it.” Emily’s voice rings clear through the headphones, and they all freeze.

“Wait - Wait. Listen to what she’s saying.” Dave gestures to Aaron, who reluctantly tunes back in.

“I can take it.”

Derek scoffs. “She’s antagonizing him.”

“She’s not talking to him.” Rossi remains firm.

Aaron’s hands get lost in his hair, restless and frustrated and useless. He takes a breath and ignores the sting behind his eyes. “She’s talking to us. She’s telling us not to come in.”

He knows Emily. She’s just as smart as she is strong and wouldn’t antagonize Benjamin on her own.

There’s a particularly vicious commotion and Emily falls to the ground with a sharp groan and a cough.

That’s it for Derek. He throws his headphones off and starts to pace. Aaron’s the only one who leaves the headphones on. Even then, his eyes mist up and his jaw is so tight he’s almost afraid his teeth will shatter.

+++

You slump back against the chair. “I’m sorry she lied to you. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” The words choke out of you with a gasp. Your shoulder screams and the pain is truly breathtaking.

Emily will forgive you for throwing her under the bus - you know you’d forgive her if the situation was reversed.

Cyrus throws the door open. “The agent’s going upstairs. The other two are clean.” He looks at you with a certain degree of contempt and you keep your eyes on the floor.

Don’t do anything stupid.

Don't be a hero.

Why those two phrases keep echoing around in your head, you have no idea. Nevertheless, they’re both good reminders.

You’re returned to Spencer and slide into a chair. You tip your head back against the wall and listen to Cyrus question him.

Why didn’t Spencer get beat up?

Not that you wanted Spencer to get beat up, of course, but it all seemed a little inequitable. You’d already been shot - isn’t that enough excitement for one day?

“On the next call, you should test them.”

Oh, how I love you, Spencer Reid.

He continues. “Test the negotiator. Make him prove he isn’t a liar.”

This would only work if they had ears in the building. If Spencer has faith, so do you. Tears prick at your eyes and you think of Aaron.

Please tell me he didn’t hear me. Please tell me they only had ears on Emily.

You’re still the baby of the team, the newest, the youngest. You know that’s why Aaron watches out for you so carefully. He’s just protecting you.

At least, that’s what you choose to believe. The other option is ridiculous, absurd, and nothing but wishful thinking.

Don’t be a child.

Spencer has Cyrus right where he wants him. You suppress a smile and hope it passes as a grimace.

“What about you?” Cyrus turns on you and you’re proud when you don’t flinch. “What do you think?”

You shrug with your one good shoulder. “It’s a good idea, and the offer to exchange a child for information is a show of good faith. I’m sure they’ll appreciate that.”

+++

Dave and Aaron share a glance.

“They’ve got him.”

A swell of pride crashes through Aaron’s chest. It’s just because you’re his youngest agent - the most time, the most potential. He has to keep you safe, he reasons. It’s the right thing to do.

That’s not the only reason.

He shakes his head, but the thought has its claws dug in deep.

+++

As Cyrus reads the list of names, Emily appears at your side again.

She looks awful - half her face painted with red and purple bruises, with more blossoming under her collar. You almost laugh aloud when she asks, “Are you okay?”

“Emily, you’re asking me if I’m okay?”

She huffs. “I didn’t get shot. Just a little beat up. We’re good. It’s not as bad as it looks.”

Spencer’s mouth presses into a thin line. You both know she’s lying. “I’m so sorry.” Moments later, he relays the information for both your ears and your team outside.

Cyrus looks at you, and you almost think he’s going to let you go, but his gaze slides past you. Spencer approaches him and they speak in hushed tones.

When they’re through, Cyrus gestures to Emily and a pair of goons. “Take her back.”

Emily looks only the slightest bit alarm as she’s taken back upstairs by the arm. If Spencer’s in, and Emily’s out, where does that leave you?

You elect yourself Reid’s shadow, silent and always right off his shoulder. Cyrus doesn’t seem to mind too much and if he does, he doesn’t show it.

+++

“Drugging the food isn’t an option because of the children. We’ll have to go in.” The whiteboard marker twirls between Aaron’s fingers as he thinks.

Indeed. Rossi, from his place in the corner, says, “The best time to hit them is when they’re least mentally prepared.”

“3am. Biorhythms are at their low point, then.”

“We need a diversion,” Derek notes. “Something that plays into his expectations.”

Humvees, then, are clearly on the docket. As are bright lights and all the flash and glamour of federal law enforcement.

Hotch and Morgan begin to volley, both men processing and paying close attention.

“The plan depends on our people separating the diehards from the followers -”

Derek interrupts, finishing Aaron’s thought. “And delaying Cyrus’s diehards from reacting to our assault.”

“No, that’s not my main concern. They know what they need to do.”

“So what is your concern?”

“Letting them know when we’re coming. The whole thing hinges on them being ready for us at 3am.” A thought comes to him then, and he reaches for a sharpie and a lid. Maybe your weird understanding of each other will come in handy, or Spencer will be looking for those signs he alluded to with Cyrus.

Either way, it’s the only option.

+++

Downstairs with Spencer, something catches your eye.

Wait a minute.

You’d know that blocky, left-hand slanted lettering anywhere. Aaron.

Spencer sees it, too, and you share a glance. You offer him a little smile, and he nods, understanding you completely. This might just work.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Cyrus startles you a little, and you step closer to Spencer. Your wound dressing has yet to be changed today, and the heat radiating off your shoulder has made you a little jumpy.

Just my luck to survive all of this and die of an entirely treatable infection like a sickly Victorian child.

“You don’t have to be a part of this. You can go.” He addresses the both of you, and bite your tongue again. You have to trust Spencer’s plan, and you know he has one.

As you suspected, Spencer says, “I would prefer to stay. Somebody needs to tell your story.”

“I’m glad it will be you.” Cyrus turns his gaze to you, and you nod.

“I’ll stay.”

He softens a little, and calls someone over. In what feels like seconds, you’re sitting down while gentle hands clean and re-dress your wound. It hurts like all hell, but you’d rather do this than throw the whole damn arm out.

As you sit, Cyrus’s plan becomes clear. Explosives seem to pass from hand to hand without hesitation.

Where’s Emily?

+++

Aaron has no idea how long he’s been staring at the compound. He’s wound tighter than a spring, his body all straight lines of stress as Rossi approaches him.

Finally, Aaron says, “I know I can’t go in there.” There’s too much at stake, too much on the line, too many emotions. He knows, somewhere in the back of his mind in a place he won’t acknowledge, that he would prioritize you.

So, he can’t go in there.

Dave nods. “I’m going.”

“If something happens to Prentiss or Reid or…” he trails off, unable to speak the thought aloud. “I - I don’t know.”

Dave looks over at him, understanding all the things he can and can’t say. “You’re not alone.”

+++

You can feel a shift in the air as 3am creeps nearer and nearer. Outside, inside, it’s all alive with activity and anxiety. You hug your arm to your chest, nursing a bottle of water. With fresh dressings, you feel a little cleaner, a little safer, but you know it’s an illusion.

“Something’s wrong.” The goon’s observation brings Cyrus to the front window, and even over his shoulder you can see the humvees advancing on the compound.

Nice work, team.

“They lied to us,” he whispers something to his shadow. While Cyrus grabs his firearm, the shadow opens the door. The gunfire startles you, and you look to Spencer.

Tell me it’s gonna be okay.

His eyes are steady on yours and he nods almost imperceptibly. We’re going to be fine.

Some of the lights go out and your eyes dance around the room.

Aaron, this better be part of your plan.

“It came from inside the building.”

“Check the fuses.”

The rapid discussions fly around you, but you keep your eyes on Spencer as much as you can. He’s spitting verses at the men around Cyrus, stalling. Luckily, Spencer could talk about nothing and everything forever.

You knew that would come in handy one day, even if it drives you up the wall outside of life-or-death hostage situations.

“...I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” Cyrus smacks Spencer with the butt of his rifle, and Spencer doubles over. You can’t help him - not with one arm and certainly not without a weapon of your own.

“You cannot convert my brothers.” Cyrus hits him again, and Spencer drops to the floor, and you crouch beside him, the very picture of fear. Oddly, you’re less afraid right now than you were before. “No one had to follow. God could have stopped me.”

There’s a breach, and you cover Spencer with your body as bullets fly past you from all sides. Cyrus goes down, and so does the detonator.

“He just did.”

You almost snort as you rise, but you rapidly remember time is of the essence.

“You alright, kid?” You’re not sure if Derek’s talking to you or Spencer, but you nod anyway.

Spencer, too, responds in kind. “Fine. Where’s Emily?”

“We got her out of here.”

The breath you’ve been holding since she disappeared again leaves you, but a heavy throb of your shoulder replaces it.

The girl you’re here for in the first place, Jessica, rounds the corner and you have a sinking feeling you know exactly what she’s going to do. Nevertheless, Derek calls out to her. “Sweetheart, come with me. We need to get you out of here. Come on. Let’s go, right now.”

You snag Spencer’s sweater in your hand and follow him to the door. You watch as Jessica takes in Cyrus’s body, clocks the detonator, and then reaches for it. Spencer leaves your grasp.

You’re hot on his heels and it’s only then you have another fleeting thought of not making it back home.

“Run!”

Derek’s behind you. You only hope it’s enough time.

The explosion rocks you to your core and for a moment you’re not sure whether you’re alive or dead. When the ringing in your ears cools off, Derek has his arm around you. The smoke covers everything. Your eyes burn, coughs rattling through your chest and wracking your shoulder.

You hear your last name, as well as Derek’s and Spencer’s. It’s Emily.

She’s scared.

Derek helps you straighten, and guides you down the steps. “We’re alright!”

You still can’t talk for your coughing, but you hear Emily’s relieved, “Oh, God.”

She meets you in the middle while Aaron waits at the bottom of the stairs. He’s watching you. Emily touches the side of your face and you lean into it. You’re a little on the outside as she gathers Spencer into her arms.

There’s something going on by Aaron, but you can’t quite hear it yet. Whatever it is, it’s over before Aaron’s hand is extended toward you. When your fingers meet his palm, he brings you close, careful of your shoulder. His hand meets the back of your head, and you press your face into his neck, blocking out as much as you can.

You don’t exchange words. There’s no need.

He tucks you under his arm and you pass Jessica’s mother, watching the burning compound with bewildered eyes.

+++

You sleep on the plane, your head resting against the window. Just as you suspected, you developed a small infection on the last day in the compound, but it’s nothing two weeks’ worth of antibiotics can’t fix.

Hotch sits beside you, pretending to read something or another. His eyes keep tracking the same line over and over again. The moments where he thought he’d lost all three of you to the explosion plays back in his mind again and again and again.

You can hear him thinking and you crack an eyelid. “Hotch.”

He immediately turns his head, ready to get whatever you need. Frankly, you look miserable. “Yeah?”

“We’re fine.”

An eyebrow raises.

“Fine. I’m shot and Emily’s beat to hell, but we’re alive.” You reach for his sleeve, running your fingers over the fabric. “I think you saved my ass, by the way.”

You pull your hand back. “Oh?”

“Yeah. Something in me kept telling me ‘Don’t do anything stupid!’ ‘Don’t be a hero!’ and I’m certain it can be attributed to your undue influence on me.”

The corners of his lips turn up just the tiniest amount. “Maybe so.” He slips his blazer off and drapes it over you. “Sleep. You need it.” He sees you about to interrupt him and cuts you off. “If I see you in the office at all before next week…” The empty threat speaks for itself.

“Trust me. After my near-death experience, the last thing I want to be looking at is you.”

Liar.

“The feeling is mutual. You look terrible.” He smiles for real this time and you return it. A whisper passes through his head, and he pretends he doesn’t notice.

Liar.

+++

tagging: @arganfics @quillvine @stxrryspencer @agenthotchner @wandaswitxh @hurricanejjareau @fics-ilike @ange-must-die @ughitsbaby @rousethemouse @criminalsmarts @shrimpyblog @genevievedarcygranger @ssaic-jareau @good-heavens-chris-evans @davidrossi-ismydad @angelsbabey @gublergirls @writefasttalkevenfaster @venusbarnes @hotchsflower @micaiahmoonheart @ogmilkis @thatreallyis-americas-ass @marvels-agents100 @hotchslatte @risenfox @mrs-dr-reid @captain-christopher-pike @joemazzello-imagines @pinkdiamond1016 @sebbybaby0 @pan-pride-12 @hotchlinebling @lee-rin-ah @sunshine-em @word-scribbless @jdougl-love @sageellsworth05 @nohalohoseok @giveusbackourbucky @writerxinthedark @bauslut @yourlovelynewsbian @sparklingkeylimepie @aili28 @dreila03 @forgottenword @aaronhotchnerr @ssa-morgan @hotchnersgoddess @buckybau @phoenixfyre374 @sana-li @tegggeeee @abschaffer2 @ssacandi-ass-prentiss @dontkissthewriter @ellyhotchner @lotties-journey-abroad @mrs-joel-pimentel-23-25 @laneygthememequeen @ahopelessromantic @violentvulgarvolatile @andreasworlsboring101 @mooneylupinblack @ssareidbby @violet-amxthyst @bwbatta @roses-and-grasses @lcvischmitt @capricorngf @missdowntonabbey @averyhotchner @mandylove1000 @garcia-reid-lovechild @cevanswhre @colbyskoalas @qvid-pro-qvo @jeor @spencers-hoodrat @infinity1321

#a joyful future #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner #hotch x reader #hotch #aaron hotchner imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds #tali writes fanfiction #tali talks cm #a joyful future fanfic

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fuckurgender · 3 years

Text

This is a trans and gender discourse blog. As well as an transsexual pride and informational blog.

Im fed up with todays "trans community ". I cant take this shit anymore.

I want to see a community for transsexual people. Have sex dysphoria talked about and understood. Or if not its own, hopefully make others understand or consider transsexuals in the transgender community.

I want good change so people like me can feel better and have a safe and caring place to talk about issues and get support. Not be censored or treated like enimies.

Have a civil conversation/discorse when interacting with me.

The only information you need to know about me is that im an adult, transsexual and not fluent in English. (Will not be perfect english or most advanced)

Im fine with dms and questions/anons. Getting friends would be nice

Also i keep being called a transmed: i dont think u need dysphoria to id as transgender or even transsexual. If you transition (social/medical) you can thecnically be considered transgender/transexual. I just think its not healthy and think its affects those who do have dysphoria and need help , negatively. I think at least those Whitout dysphoria should get mental help first , and if not, pay for their own transition themself.

Some of my views bellow.

Gender: gender is a social construct. I belive gender should be abolished and removed from society. We have personalities and are all unique. Having a gender identity or brain gender is made up. Sex or gender says nothing about who you are as a person or your personality.

Transgender: Gender dysphoria is a real thing, and a mental illness. It is painfull to live with, but It can be lessened or cured. But transitioning medically is not the best choice if you only have gender realted issues and dont experience sex dysphoria

Transsexual: individual who transition medically to be/resemble the other sex. This has nothing to do with gender. It has to do with sex. I use this label because i feel like transgender is not right due to me not caring about gender or having gender dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria: mental illness tied to discomfort or disconnect to societies gender roles. Usally the one tied to your born sex. At times for both male and female gender roles. This is curable for some with therpay. Highly suggesting you stop giving a fuck about gender roles and stop trying to live by or care about gender or pronouns.

Sex dysphoria: mental illness as well, but completely diffrent drom gender dysphoria. Sex dysphoria is the discomfort with your biological sex. This can be greatly helped or cured by medical transitioning. This has nothing to do with gender roles or gender, femininity or masculinity. Only biological reality. (Note: some things like ptsd or gender dysphoria can be mistaken for sex dysphoria, so transitioning is not always the right choice. Getting mental help first is good. But sex dysphoria has no know cause itself. )

Extra: this also means i think someone wearing fully pink and feminine clothes, or very masculine clothes, has absolutely nothing to do with if youre "valid" as a trans person. Wear whatever the fuck you want.

LGB: wont talk much about this, but just saying, queer is a slur. Not an identity or a community. Trans issues should be its own community outside LGB. Since sexuality is a hole other issue. I think asexuallity is real but not an actuall sexuality/sexual attraction that should be a part of lgb.

Trans healthcare: often bad, especially on the mental part. Overtaken by the idea gender identity is all that matters . There are many issues with the medical side as well. I belive sex dysphoria should be its own diagnosis required for undergoing transition. Gender discomfort should not be required to transition.

Sex: biological sex is real, and important to not ignore or downplay. Those with sex dysphoria are struggling soley due to their sex. If you earase sex you also erase our struggles.

The "trans" community : horrible in its own way. I belive transgender individuals and transsexuals should have separate communities. Despite the similar medical treatment, our issues are not the same. Transgender people usally are not considerate for those with sex dysphoria, only hurt them due to making everything in the trans community to be about gender and identity , and denying biological sex, or pressuring for media inclusiveness. I belive transsexuals should have our own community for our own specific issues and struggles unrelated to gender.

Trans community p2: an important thing the trans community needs to do is take accountability for the "bad" people in the community (criminals, pedos, ect). Instead of saying "that never happens" and pretending every trans person is good, the community needs to call these people out. The community should not be a safe space for rapists , pedophiles and abusers.

#trans discourse #lgbtq discourse #lgbtq #nonbinary #trans #lgbt #transgender #transsexual #gender #discourse #intro #lgbt discourse #gender abolition #gender critical #transmedicalist #transmed #truscum

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nothorses · 3 years

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heyy! first of all i hope you're doing well. thank you for taking the time out to read and respond to this (if you choose to). this has been bothering me for a while and i'd like your opinion on it.

i read these two articles recently - the first one is about a lesbian professor of gender studies + sexuality arguing why women should be allowed to "hate men"; the second is an interview with her about the article in which she addresses some of the negative responses she got to that article.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/why-cant-we-hate-men/2018/06/08/f1a3a8e0-6451-11e8-a69c-b944de66d9e7_story.html

https://outline.com/ttKscw

i have a lot of questions about this.

firstly, i cannot tell whether this is the sort of reductionist, radfemmy, "fuck all men" feminist you've been talking about. i understand her sentiments but i disagree with her statement, and i want to get better at identifying shallow feminism. i don't think my personal opinion is credible enough (yet) to draw any conclusions right off the bat. are there any 'tells' or signs that indicate what sort of feminism someone is speaking about (in the same way that there are certain idenitifiers of TERF ideology even when it is not explicitly mentioned)? for example, in the interview, she explicitly says "Where is discrimination? Where are men being excluded? Where are men being abused? Oh, come on." as well as her implied praise of kamala harris as 'the feminist we need in office'. are those things indicators of whether her position on feminism is credible/an appropriate portrayal of how Feminism™ should function? in short, do i take this woman entirely seriously about all this?

secondly, how do you feel about gender being a social construct, as she states? does that not contradict the very real physical dysphoria that a lot of us experience? doesn't it invalidate almost all the experiences of struggle against transphobia and cissexism, as well as our identities, by painting gender identity as 'not a big deal' or 'fake' by virtue of being a social construct? also, is gender identity not influenced by biology to some extent?

thirdly, along a similar vein, how do you feel about gender abolitionism? i don't exactly have a v specific question about this one, i just want another trans person's opinion on how that sort of society would affect them. i do not wish to be stripped of my identity, and i am opposed to gender abolitionism because of that. is this sentiment a product of some misunderstanding i have?

if you have any other thoughts at all about the articles, i'd love to hear those. thank you!

Oooh, anon, these are such good questions.

Why Can’t We Hate Men? by Suzanna Walters

Follow-Up Interview with Walters

Walters does a weird sort of dance in both articles: her argument is that “hating men” is okay and even good, but she has to completely misrepresent what “hating men” is, does, and means in order to make her point align with what she actually believes is defensible.

“Hating men” is not actually about hating men, she says; she doesn’t hate men at all, in fact. She knows they’re not the problem, but rather the systems of patriarchy in place. She knows racism and other intersections make “hating men” complicated at best, and harmful at worst. She just wants men to “lean back” and understand the power they hold; to be feminists. She thinks it’s a good thing to welcome men into feminism.

So then what the hell does “hating men” actually mean, to her? Why make that the hill to die on, if nothing in her argument has anything to do with that hill?

I don’t think she really believes any of the arguments she’s making in the first place. Walters pays lipservice to racism and intersectionality in a brief comment, then never brings it up again. Her view of feminist issues is narrow and shallow, dealing mostly with “the safety of women” and the representation of women in positions of power; both of which fail to address the structural issues of the patriarchy and how it functions, and prioritize Making Women Powerful over dismantling the systems of oppression giving people power over each other in the first place. She believes that all men are universally and inherently benefiting from the patriarchy, and that men in fact are the system to be fought.

Some of this pings as TERFy, too. Walters never really argues against radical feminism. Her argument against gender-essentialism is, as you said, that gender shouldn’t exist at all- but she claims the patriarchy discriminates based on genitalia.

You caught that as well; “where are men being oppressed/abused?” she says, after her performative gesture toward intersectionality. Walters also compares the oppression of women to racism at the same time, which... holy shit.

I’d personally peg her as a mainstream liberal feminist. She’s a successful white professor who sincerely believes that her experiences as a woman are universal. Her takes are surface-level and shallow at best, and edging dangerously close to radical feminism and quiet TERFism at worst.

TL;DR: The Author

She’s a mainstream liberal feminist who makes a string of confused, contradicting arguments because she chose to die on a hill she doesn’t really understand. Her arguments stray TERFy and racist on multiple occasions.

RE: Gender questions

What gender is and where it comes from is a complicated question, and I don’t think there’s a simple answer to it. The major arguments are that it’s social, biological, or psychological; either it comes from how you’re socialized, what your genitals look like, or it’s something built into your brain chemistry (think “wrong body” trans theory).

I personally think it’s a bit of a mix, leaning toward the social and psychological, and that where gender “comes from” is a little different for each individual. Biology has a bit to do with it; we’ve had somewhat consistent ideas "man” and “woman” across various cultures.

But what gender means in each society is different, and how people conceptualize it has been different. What gender someone feels they are may be influences by their culture’s gender expectations. Some indigenous cultures even have anywhere from two to five distinct “genders”, and I can say personally that my conceptualization of my own gender relies pretty heavily on how other people perceive and treat me.

Not to mention that trans people have existed for as long as people in general have, even in societies that lack any formal gender concept for trans folks. So psychology must play a role, too.

So if we strip away all social expectations of gender, we’re still left with psychological and biological influences on gender. Which is part of why I don’t think we can abolish gender to begin with; people will always have internal understandings of gender to some extent, and they’ll always express them, and therefore there will always be a social element to gender. We can, however, work toward abolishing restrictive, binaristic, oppressive gender structures that limit and punish expressions of gender.

And as a sidenote, the whole “gender is just a social construct, but genitals are real” and “we should abolish all concept of gender” thing is extremely TERFy. There are thoughtful and trans-inclusive ways of approaching the question, but usually we’re talking about gender as part of a system of power and oppression. Walters is using the TERF framework that their “gender critical” comes from: gender isn’t real, therefore trans people aren’t real. Patriarchy is just based on biological realities and sex, and we should abolish the idea of gender (as code for abolishing trans rights and theory).

TL;DR: Gender

I personally believe that gender is a synthesis of biological, psychological, and social influences that is highly unique to every individual. There’s no real way to “abolish” it, only systems of power and oppression that rely on and enforce it. Walters’ way of discussing it is extremely TERFy, and her arguments should be heavily scrutinized.

#feminism #gender #trans #transgender #long post #I USED A READMORE I HOPE YALL ARE HAPPY #not horses #Anon #Ask

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adamsvanrhijn · 4 years

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not to be very annoying, but do you happen to know any good books/resources about lgbt slang/identities in victorian/edwardian/etc england? (i mean, things such as lesbians calling each other "toms" and the like). don't worry if you don't know any, but i just figured i'd ask since this was kinda in your Area Of Interest so you might know some off the top of your head.

the not annoying at all but this is a more complex question than at first glance hahaha

TL;DR: there are many types of queer language / we have way more info about men, who have their own lexicon / this era is widely seen as the era in which the concept of identity is actually coming into play / books list at the end, scroll down til you reach bolded text if you don’t want my commentary.

so when you’re looking at mid 19th - interwar lgbt communities, whether in europe or the uk or the usa it doesn’t really matter bc this is quite universal, you’ve got at least three registers, for lack of an easier word:

how self-identified homosexual, inverted, queer, abnormal etc men (henceforth gay men) speak with each other

how self-identified “” women (henceforth lesbian women) speak with each other

interactions between these groups

these naturally intersect with other socioeconomic class factors.

back to england specifically:

despite legal considerations gay men have the most agency and ability to move around and therefore are more likely to interact with each other and form communities. so now you have additional registers:

upper middle / upper class

middle / lower middle / working class (more registers here but nobody asked me and i promise i will give you recs soon)

again, interactions between them

the latter category has limited applications; most of them have to do with prostitution or casual sex and tend to be about categorizing people in terms of what sex acts they participate in. (this is universally true of most forms of gay slang and/or their origins for obvious reasons) think locker room talk. OR, we’re looking at cross class relationships and how other people view members of cross class relationships. not to generalize bc there are other things than this but what is best documented here is the upper class pov of these interactions

for the first category there is much less slang & unique community language, when you look at letters and works of literature etc etc people are picking and choosing from both medical/psychiatric terminology, which is developing rapidly from the 1860s on, and like, classical works; you get a lot of alluding to things. artistic communities (bloomsbury group, natalie clifford barney’s harem in paris and what have you) meanwhile are sort of all over the map. but bc this isn’t Polite Society talk, most of the sources for this kind of language tend to be limited in scope. which is true for all subculture language really but like in this case, authors of the day who are writing what they know are we think giving a pretty accurate picture of what their actual communities were like... but it’s put through a filter for publication.

by the 20th century urban working class gay men in certain circles are using polari, a subcultural lexicon which came from mid/late 19th century theatre and music hall slang, which came from fairground cant, seafaring , labor slang, Yiddish, cockney, theatre slang, fishmarkets, French, Italian, underground crime rings literally i could go on and there’s lots of debate about this. it’s turn of the century when it comes to be used very widely within the gay community, and while its origins are in london it made it to other uk urban centres fairly quickly. this lasted well into the latter half of the 20th century and is the base for a lot of community slang today, which leads me to

lesbian women, who also used polari, albeit to a lesser extent. these were primarily lesbians who were also in the 3rd camp above - ones who are involved in the community and interacting w/ gay men regularly. (”straight women who work in theatre” is another category of woman polari speakers haha but performance slang went thru many changes and eventually things got p separate so you had fairground & theatre cant and gay subculture slang having similar roots but very distinct in usage)

for lesbian communities the same thing as w gay men applies for the upper classes just to a lesser degree due to the relative lack of a community experienced by women

but a very important point here is that, ESPECIALLY during the victorian period, less so moving into the 20th century, intimate relationships between women are viewed very, very differently than those between men - male relationships have hard and fast boundaries of what is and isnt acceptable, those of women do not.

the development of identity w/ sexuality for women i think in many ways had a lot more to do with women who expressed their gender differently than women who had intimate exclusive relationships w/ other women

anyway the point is there unfortunately is no like comprehensive text for All Queer Language at this point in time, nor for the development of sexual identity, and the nature of this field (linguistics + history + sociology about queer stuff) means that a lot of the good work is in academic articles which i do NOT know off the top of my head. :-( but here’s some stuff !!

LIST OF THE ACTUAL BOOKS SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT

ok so these are all nonfiction, mostly academic nonfiction, but i want to stress that contemporary literature is a REALLY good way to get a (often rose tinted but not always) look into subculture and there are many novels that play with and/or poke at the ongoing development of sexual identity, especially in edwardia, especially especially in the 1920s, so if youve got endless time to read on your hands it is absolutely worth poking around there.

i have a list in the works of 1920s literature that has lgbt stuff in it and i realise thats a bit late for you but even so!!

also: compilations of letters, memoirs, etc are like super super invaluable

anyway ive bolded the most important ones:

Kosofsky Sedgwick, Eve. Epistemology of the Closet. 1990. University of California Press. [required lgbt theory reading, literally the foundation for soooo much]

Marcus, Sharon. Between Women: Friendship, Desire, and Marriage in Victorian England. 2007. Princeton University Press.

Robb, Graham. Strangers: Homosexual Love in the Nineteenth Century. 2003. [this is like, functionally prerequisite reading for any gay male stuff for the 19th century & robb is an excellent popular historian who also has an actual academic background]

Rupp, Leila J. Sapphistries: A Global History of Love between Women. 2008. NYU Press.

Russett, Cynthia. Sexual Science: The Victorian Construction of Womanhood. 1989. Harvard University Press. [touches on things but is not About sexuality/identity]

these are both already on my downton abbey research list but they both discuss language thruout and identity very thoroughly:

Brady, Sean. Masculinity and Male Homosexuality in Britain, 1861-1913. 2005. Palgrave Macmillan.

David, Hugh. On Queer Street: A Social History of British Homosexuality 1895-1995. 1997. HarperCollins.

for polari, see basically everything paul baker’s done. the 2019 might be the most accessible but i havent read it yet:

Baker, Paul. Fantabulosa: A dictionary of Polari & gay slang. 2002. London: Continuum.

Baker, Paul. Polari: The Lost Language of Gay Men (Routledge Studies in Linguistics). 2002. London: Routledge.

Baker, Paul. Fantabulosa! The Story of Polari, Britain’s Secret Gay Language. 2019. London: Reaktion.

while it predates the era youre asking about, this book is good reading that leads up to the changes of the victorian era in sexual morality & how that affects identity and language:

Donoghue, Emma. Passions Between Women: British Lesbian Culture 1668–1801. 1995. HarperCollins.

also i hate to do this but like. foucault lol. obviously not focused on britain but very much focused on the development of identity and sexuality.

ive been working on this for like three straight hours im gonna go eat lunch now

#da resources #community culture tag

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ashdreams2023 · 2 years

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ik i have asked for a reqest before but i was gonna ask if i can get an encanto match up, you can also say no if u like.

Hi my name is rex, i’m queer and use they/them pronouns and i’m 15. And i would prefer someone not over the age of 19 plz.

have like a caramel colored skin-tone (i feel like saying im black may be easier but 🤷🏽‍♀️) and im 5’3. Rn i have a purple-pink short mullet and i have pretty curly hair, im pretty chubby but i have an hourglass shape (but i have super noticeable hip dips) , i got pretty big fucking tittes (not even in a bragging way, im a fuckin k cup bro😭) and thicc thighs(thicc thighs save lives, sorry i’ll stop). I dress pretty alternative but i cant just choose one subculture tho, i wear a lot of heavy eye makeup. I could say i dress kinda “showy” but thats kinda what only fits me, but also who gives a fuck.

Honestly I don’t really have a type. Tbh most of my relationships have ended pretty badly cause they ether only wanted something sexual from me or I was “too clingy” when i just wanted basic ass affection. But the most I want is someone who is physically affectionate (like kisses, cuddles, and hugs for days) also im ok with pda to an extent like i will hug and like cuddle you but im not gonna make out with your infront of others thats weird af.

Im a libra sun, scropio moon, and gemini rising. This means that im a pretty social person and always wanna hang out with friends and just have fun, but moon in scropio makes my emotions rlly haywire and kinda boosts any sorta negative emotion, which is hard when you have chronic anxiety and major depressive disorder. Which also means i take medication for it, which i forget a lot. And because of these things i have anxiety tics, where it ranges to making noices and twitching a bit to full on hitting myself and saying random shit. But I really like making people laugh, it makes me feel helpful, but im also good at being to mother figure for people. I also like playfully bantering with people, like i love you but will full on roast you and get into fake fist-fights. I am a bit of a violent person at times but I have a punching bag and boxing gloves which help a lot. But I only get that angry when someone uses an insecurity of mine against me or is talking bad about someone i love, cause it you do that im beating your ass. I do have a bit of body insecurities mainly about my hip-dips and stomach. But because im curvy i get hit on by adults a lot and its creepy as fuck.

My hobbies include art (painting, drawing), sleeping (because i stay up mad late😭✌🏽), reading comics, Marvel and D.C superheroes, and super villains, cartoons, and anime/manga.

My favorite music genre’s are rock, alternative, emo, rap, and a little bit if indie music.

Personality: funny, sarcastic, creative, kind, inappropriate and the right times. Like im not gonna pull out a dick joke in front of your family

I don’t really have a type and im queer so i dont have a gender preference, but anyone who’s love language is physical affection cause im a clingy bitch

I have a couple ideal dates. So the first one is like an indoor picnic and a movie, an arcade date, and a stargazing date where you get take out or fast food and drive up a hill to see the stars and you like cuddle n shit.

Mirabel

She will hug the crap out of you and give extra love to your chubby self

Likes your style, I can see her sewing you something unique like a jacket or maybe some cool pair of pants with cute designs on them

She understood your boundaries and no worries the most she’s gonna do is kiss your cheeks and call you cute

She’s very social herself, all the town knows who she is obviously and with that you two always end up talking to someone on your walks there

Will hold your hand all the time in public or let you grab onto her arm just to be close to you

She quickly learns about your tics and genuinely tries to help calm you down in uncomfortable situations and handle anyone who gives weird looks

She tries to be positive and none violent but goodness if someone actually disrespect someone you love she won’t hold you down

You two would bond over superheroes and stories, since you don’t sleep early she has many sleepovers at your place or if her and her cousins have one big slumber party you’re always invited

Definitely into stargazing, when everyone is asleep in the casita you could see so many stars laying down on the ground next to each other in the main yard.

#mirabel madrigal #encanto matchups

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bitchesgetriches · 4 years

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Auntie bitches, I've been working at my current factory job for nearly a year and a half, and I've gotten two raises but am still only making $11/hr. Between that and the physical demands, it's starting to wear on me and I want to start looking for a new job. However, I'm very visibly queer in ways I cant hide, and I dont want to either. How can I find a job that's accepting of my identity without shooting my prospects in the foot?

My darling child, we sure do have THOUGHTS on this matter.

For one thing, we strongly believe that an employer who forces you to hide your identity when applying or coming to work is not a safe and healthy work environment, and therefore, you should avoid them. This is not a matter of being asked to hide full-sleeve tattoos. This is a matter of being told your gender identity or sexuality is not “appropriate” or “professional.” Which like... how can an entire human being’s existence be inappropriate or unprofessional? That’s discriminatory and uncool.

We also believe that a unique appearance can be an asset in a workplace! Here’s where Kitty talks about being visibly queer (due to--SHOCKER!--a silver side-shave) actually benefitted her at work... and caused trouble in other ways:

Looking Weird at Work Short Hair DO Care: Why Is Short Hair Still Controversial?

Now, you still want to follow our guidelines for presenting yourself appropriately during a job interview. And that advice is to be neat, clean, and formal, regardless of your sexuality or gender identity. We have several options written out here:

What to Wear (and What Not to Wear) to a Job Interview

Ok, all of that was very encouraging and affirming, but let’s get down to your REAL question: how to find a job that’s accepting of your identity? I strongly recommend using Glassdoor to read company reviews written by employees. A lot of these reviews will straight-up tell you if an employer is discriminatory or overly conservative. This will help you avoid applying for places that will write you off as soon as they get a look at your beautiful self.

Another thing to do is join an industry organization or reach out to people on LinkedIn. You can ask these people questions that they wouldn’t necessarily make public. After all, no company is going to admit in writing “we hate the gays and deny the existence of gender nonconforming people” lest they risk a lawsuit. So you need to rely on insider knowledge. Politely reaching out to those insiders is going to really help you in your job search.

Good luck, pudding cup! We believe in you! We’ll leave you with this, in acknowledgment of the difficult road you have ahead of you:

Queer Finance 101: Ten Ways That Sexual and Gender Identity Affect Finances

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guardiankarenterrier · 4 years

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Thinking about writing nonbinary Adrien. Any advice?

firstly, sorry this took me so long to answer, rl is kicking my ass

secondly, im really flattered to be asked!

the immediate disclaimer: this isnt gonna apply across the board. everyone in the world is having their own unique experience, and we cant know them all (tho we can for sure really want to know most).

but i guess thats also where my advice starts- being nonbinary is different for everyone. some of us have dysphoria, some dont, some experience social dysphoria or even vocal dysphoria and dont have body dysphoria, some have different combinations- i personally have never felt all that attached to my body in the first place (its more like its a car and the part thats ‘me’ is the engine), but i am also very much not a visual person. that would fit for adrien i think, since canonically he doesnt place much emphasis on looks, and understandably so.

gonna put the rest under a cut cuz it got kinda long

but i know every time i hear a relative refer to me as girly or feminine or insist that i wouldnt understand something because its ‘for men,’ i die a little bit inside. admittedly i do get a feeling of validation when i am referred to as masculine and thats not always true when youre nonbinary. in a place where masculine and feminine are expressed to you as stubbornly opposed, tho, being referred to as your ‘opposite’ can be affirming. i can see this happening for adrien, too.

nonbinary people do not have to look androgynous. whether or not you look androgynous does not affect whether or not you are nonbinary, and there are too many people who conflate the two. nonbinary people can look however they like.

its important to respect pronouns, but everyone also uses them differently. while i prefer they/them, and that seems increasingly to be the norm, some people continue to use he/his or she/her or to switch between them. some people use neopronouns. some people experiment until they find out which ‘feels’ right. if you have adrien, or any character, still figuring out their pronouns, though, you should make that clear so that it doesnt appear youre disrespecting pronouns instead. (i personally am just realising i would kinda like to see more stories where people dont yet know their pronouns).

my main advice is to talk to as many nonbinary people as you can (which you obviously have a handle on already!), search out the nonbinary positive blogs here on tumblr- theyre full of information- and figure out just how your version of adrien expresses themself, or if, like a lot of us- like most of us, probably- theyre still figuring that out.

and also, unless this is a story specifically about them coming out, to themself or to others, dont make it the focus. make it a part of the story. an important part, but not necessarily the most important part.

but at the same time, we dont have enough coming out/figuring yourself out as nonbinary stories yet. this isnt really at the same place as the ‘dont make gay characters all about being gay.’ i cant say dont make it a definitive trait, because for a lot of us it is. but we dont have those stories yet, anyway; we still need them. we can make nonbinary characters about being nonbinary. we could use those stories, still.

i dont have a list of good resources, unfortunately, because i dont curate my resources that well. i look things back up on duckduckgo when i need a refresher (i am not always good at avoiding google but i try to). i search the tags on tumblr, because there really are a lot of good resources on here. the nonbinary tag on my own blog is probably A Mess but it does exist.

lastly, i am in the us and my experiences are coloured by that, as well as having immediate family that did not really enforce (or, uh, really explain, come to think of it) the concept of gender at all when my brothers and i were kids. (we played lost boys a lot, we did not consider gender when picking what character we'd be for games- hullo i was donatello, also virgil (other people watched mighty max right), there was a vicious fight over the green ranger because Green Is My Colour You Dick, grandpa called us huey dewey and louie, brothers did not realise my cousins 'no girls allowed' fort applied to me, etc. i have also gotten away with picking whatever damn side i want for girls vs. boys shit my entire life, for whatever reason. it took me a while to figure out that this is probably not the norm).

sorry that this got kinda weird and tangential, i have been havin a very weird time recently

obviously, this is all gonna be pretty personal and subjective, so others are welcome to chime in!

#asks and answers #miraculous ladybug #nonbinary #nonbinary adrien agreste #anonymous #writing

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sadncssfossilized · 4 years

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sexuality troubles.

i’m so fucking confused. being non-binary/trans makes everything so fucking hard. i don’t know where i fit... anywhere on the sexuality spectrum. i have no idea if all of my attraction to men is real or if i’m forcing it on myself bc im afab. i don’t know if i’m bi. ive always wanted to be attractive to men ever since i was small i think as a coping mechanism because of trauma. but i’m also extremely scared of older men, even if i do find celebrities attractive. but a lot of male celebrities i straight up DONT find attractive at all, they’re like cardboard to me. i don’t know if that’s because i think a lot of hollywood white men hearththrobs look extremely bland/the same bc white society or if there’s something genuinely off with my attraction to men meter. ive heard people say that not being able to process whether a man is attractive or not is a lesbian thing. but i don’t feel like a lesbian. i don’t feel female. i love women, i have always known that, but i don’t feel like a woman and i don’t want to be a woman. i want to look masculine. i want to be masculine. i don’t want to be a girl anymore. i don’t want to be a man, completely, i just want to be.... not a woman. not a man. a nothing.

is it a preference or am i only attracted to women?? i loved being bi. i love the flag i love the options, and i don’t really process people’s gender’s except on a social level. ive never been close with ANY boys across my life, or even more than acquaintances because of my shy and reserved nature and i’ve never connected with any on a personal level both because of fear, being flustered, and feeling like they’re cooler and more superior to be and genuinely a different species so to say, so i don’t know if that has to do with my fear of being sexually involved with them. i’m always afraid men want the worst from me, and i always get the feeling that they are judging me based on my attractiveness to them and discard me mentally as soon as i am not and i hate that so much. i think because i’ve never known a boy truly and deeply, i keep prejudices against them and don’t think that they are as compassionate or HUMAN as non-men. but at the same time, i’ve always felt called to get self worth from their attraction to me. literally since pre-elementary. even if i think a guy is ugly i still base my worth off of if he’s attracted to me?? it’s automatic, and fucked up. i’m scared to go further than flirt with a boy. i’m scared to mess up conversationally , i’m scared of entering a relationship with one especially because i’d be the “woman” in it, and i don’t want to be fucked like a man fucks a woman. i want a queer man so i can feel safe and normal around him. straight men are an enigma to me. they scare me so much with their lack of societal awareness and cruelty. i feel like they don’t GET IT you know? but if i ever was to date one, since i’m pre transition and in the closet i’d have to pretend to be a woman and pretend to be okay with that. the idea of a man taking me like i was a woman makes me want to hurl.... that’s not the relationship dynamic i want at all.

all of my emotions toward men are so fucking conflicting. ive dreamed of kissing men before, fantasized about being soft with them, holding their hand, cupping their face and kissing them gently, but if they’re an irl i never fantasize about what they would be like sexually, land the idea kind of off puts/repulses me in a way. thinking of my irl women crushes kind of makes me feel the same way, but i’m more open to the possibility of that? ive never had a relationship with a man and only probably had like 1 male friend across my entire life, so my fear could be because of trauma + fear of the unknown + bc of my prejudices bc of my lack of experience + dysphoria. meanwhile, i’ve had 1 girlfriend and all of my friends have been female my whole life. ive just NEVER been comfortable around boys/men. which i feel like is less indicative of lesbianism and more of like. trauma haha. i sexualized myself at such a young age to cater to the boys around me and even to the adult men around me, it hurts to think about. i hate how trauma complicates everything. i don’t know why i have that impulse, i don’t know why it started. ive just never felt safe around a boy. i feel like they always want something from me. ive been attracted to them but i’m soo scared o f them. like, i always have something to prove, whether it be my personality or humor or attractiveness, just to stay in their presence.

nsfw incoming.

ive tried to jack off to a lot of gay porn and i think my men attraction meter is broken because so many of the men in gay porn are ugly/unattractive to me. straight up. in their face, and body. and the body ideals in the gay community, where i would fit in post transition, don’t.... resonate with me. like not to be crude but a lot of the body types of the men in here are unattractive to me, but then again it’s white dominated and caters to a very specific vision of a huge bubble butt, way huge thighs, overly ripped chest, bland ass white boy faces paired with ugly haircuts. is this what i’m supposed to be attracted to? the men i’ve been attracted to irl do not look like that. the men in gay porn are all so passionless too. (which is honestly an issue i have that makes jacking off to women in porn sort of difficult too??) i don’t know. i don’t feel like i’m attracted to men the same way gay men are. but then again, how would i know that? i don’t know any actual gay men. i just know from some porn blogs? some pornhub videos? i don’t fucking know. i jack off to images/videos of men very few times compared to how much i get off to women bc of my particularity . it’s more difficult, but it’s easier by when i think about how the man feels, like his pleasure, his sounds, his expressions, rather than the aesthetics of it all. not to say i don’t appreciate the aesthetics of some nice men- chris evans, frank ocean, rob mcelhenney, taika waititi, nice. which sounds like a very non-lesbian thing to say i would think, but i know a ton of lesbians who talk about celebrity men super raunchily and stuff, so i don’t know anymore and i don’t think i know enough about lesbianism to know whether these are lesbian experiences or not. the majority of men content ive jacked off to has been gay fan fiction, and that has actually been easy to get off to bc of the descriptions and the i can visualize characters and passion the way i want. it’s harder to do it with actual videos/images of men, because it’s so different in my mind and imagination m, but that may be bc gay porn can involve a lot of roughness/impersonal-ness? also i feel like i still have a certain degree of internalized homophobia toward both wlw AND mlm despite working through my acceptance of my sexuality for a number of years.

i just want a person. but i don’t know if it’s beyond my control who i’m sexually attracted to. my sexual attraction to men is a lot lower than to women, and it’s a lot easier for me to make them bland in my head and not be able to point out a unique thing about them . i feel like girls are more... distinct/easily alluring to me than most men you know. that may also be affected by how women actually know how to dress and look unique and men don’t really shift from 1 bland societal style, i don’t know. i don’t know. i want to be attracted to men. as a transmasc, i want to be gay. i don’t want to be straight. ive been gay all my life, and i don’t want to leave that label. i want softness and love. but men scare me, and i don’t know if it’s because of a tragic coalescence of bad life experiences (or lack thereof) or because of genuine lesbianism. ive talked so much about being bi, and even been called a confused lesbian before by transphobes, and ever since they said it i cant stop questioning. i feel like at this point i HAVE to be a lesbian or something, bc that’s how this shit goes in movies and stories. i don’t want to be a lesbian. i want to be attracted to men, i wanna be bi and be equally attracted to both, i want experiences with both in my mind, but irl i get so fucking scared and i don’t want anything to do with it. i don’t wanna be a straight transmasc and i also don’t want to become what transphobes have spent their time telling me i am. i want to be what i’ve always thought i’ve been, bisexual and transmasc. i was comfortable with bisexual, until everybody else kept telling me to question and it’s been eating me alive since. fuck. i don’t know anything. is this a preference and bad combination of a huge number of deeper factors or am i straight up NATURALLY not attracted to men? have i been lying to mhself? have all my attractions in the past been fake? this is gonna sound terrible but i don’t want to be a lesbian. it doesn’t feel right. and id be proving the horrible people right, and have to retract everything i’ve ever said about being bi to my following on my other social media. and i’ve said a LOT. and i’d also have to give up my admiration of my irl men crushes and male celebrities and their sexiness. all of this shit is so ridiculous but at least i’m being honest with myself with this post. someone help me haha

#questioning #lesbian #trans masc #nonbinary #bisexual #transmasc #trans man #help #lgbtq #queer #trans #rambles

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tumblunni · 5 years

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Miscellaneous thoughts for the 'dark pokemon' game

* it could be cool as an actual hack of firered or something, but it seems that would require more coding knowledge than using apps like rpgmaker. Also there's that kit to make pokemon games in rpgmaker but it only worked for the really old rpgmakers and now its got copyright claimed by nintendo so its not really an option. Itd be easier to make this game in the latest rpgmaker cos its not really an outright pokemon fangame but more of a general mons genre thing that could have different gameplay if i wanted it to.

* or would it work better as an actual pokemon prequel thing? Like 'kanto was actually all dark like this back in ye ancient times' and have a bunch of prehistoric/caveman/400AD/whatever time period forms of pokemon or something? But thatd give me less creative freedom with the idea, yeah

* Not sure if your mons should talk or not? One of the initial inspirations i had for this was the underrated gem Swordcraft Story where your four starter monsters are more like a choice of sidekick! They dont actually fight, they just provide a huge different set of dialogue commenting on everythibg that happens, and its fab! But then the game kinda woukdnt have the collectable aspect and i feel that the long journeys between towns would get boring if theres no incentive to battle enemies. And long journeys between towns is kinda a big plot point and thematic aspect of this idea.

* Also i kinda wanna do Cute Pet Game Gameplay as a fun way of stepping away from the pure pokemon formula. And that'd perhaps be a bit weird if your pet can talk? I dunno? Well maybe itd be more like those baby raising games. But i had a separate idea for literally a monster baby raising game so itd be good to not overlap, lol. Wish i knew how to actually do touchscreen petting type stuff in rpgmaker, i mean its on pc so theoretically you should be able to do an equivalent with the mouse? Maybe try and cheat my way into it with my minimal programming knowledge by basically making a "map" where all the tiles are pieces of this one image of a monster, and then you walk over it to select where to pet...? I dunno lol! Anyway bonding with your mons is VITALLY IMPORTANT TO THE EVERYTHING so i need to DEEPLY THINK ABOUT IT. deeply deeply contemplate huggin some babbu

* maybe the game's title could be something like dark walk/journey/stroll/whatever's a good synonym? Cos the whole 'monster tamers are cursed and must walk the earth forever in search of somewhere to belong'

* i'm not sure how to handle the beginning? Cos of the whole aspect of starting off looking like a cliche poke-clone and then slowly revealing the deep dark lore during the tutorial segments. So we'd sorta have to skip/abridge the day of our hero leaving their village, in order to not spoil it. And have a flashback later on at the most dramatic moment! But that means itd be awkward to give you the selection of starter monster? So i dunno maybe do like kingdom hearts and have a surreal dreamworld opening segment? The protagonist is having a nightmare about that day they had to leave their family behind, and everything can be just as vague and confusing as the plot needs it to be. You cpuld be some sort of vague faceless shadow until you decide your gender, and etc? (Protagonist: wait why did i dream i couldnt remember i was a dude)

* oh and maybe you can choose a custom gemstone for your monster summoning pendant thing! Cos if its gonna be one singular thing instead of consumeable pokeballs, itd kinda suck if you had no choice which one thing youre stuck with for the whole game. Or maybe it could change but itd be more like it evolves as well as the monsters? Start off with one design and it has multiple final forms depending on your moral choices during your playthrough. Oh, or if you choose it at the beginning, maybe it somehow affects your starter mon? Like the simplest idea would just be that each starter mon has its own pendant to live in. But what if the pendant choices were elements and then the starter mon is like a vessel to imbue with it? Like you get three designs that are..i dunno, attack defense and speed? And they each have a fire water or grass form, for a total of 9 unique mon options! That way i could keep it limited to three personalities to write, if i go with the idea of the mons being able to talk. But still have a lot more free choice! Oh or maybe its not even 3 elements but 9 elements? Like the three options change depending on the base mon. Attack mon can be fire, electric or darkness but defense mon can be something entirely else. Or maybe have overlap so there's at least two choices for each element but nobody has the same entire three elements? Im bad at math tho so i cant figure outhow to arrange that to make it work...how many elements wpuld i need...?

* maybe you could choose your rival's gender as well as the protagonist? Thatd be neat if they also looked different in every playthrough. I mean the variety of starters would encourage replays so we wanna have some other stuff that changes too. And if you could choose rival gender then it wouldnt be limited to the "always the opposite gend so thus heterosexuality" sort of thing. Oh and maybe what if other characters had potential smaller changes? Like your family members having similar skin and hair colours, or you have a single parent but whether theyre a mum or a dad depends on what you picked? Or if i cpuld figure out some other more gameplayish things that i could give replay value to? Like maybe you actually have a choice of what town to go to at each point in the story, and you cant revisit the other one without replaying that chapter? And your team options would be wildly different depending on which journey you took, so itd be a nicely large difference! Tho maybe make it so that most mons are still all available on each playthru, its just that some would appear early if you made a certain choice but be at the very end of the game if you chose differently. Oh and maybe the champion would be different depending on your choices!!! Like if you complete certain sidequests you might have just added a new candidate to the potential final boss roster! Itll be whoever's your bestest bestie by the end! Tho i mean with this different setting there isnt really a league or a champion so id just have to think of some other climactic ending thing, lol.

#dark mons game #man ive had this idea for ages but i dont think i ever tagged any of my rambling??

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6-v-6 · 7 years

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tagged by @artfulkey and @ringdingdongenthusiast 🦄✨

How much sleep do you get? What do you do when you can’t sleep? I get around 7 hours of sleep, but if I’m not doing anything the next day I’ll sleep for like 10... when I can’t sleep I just lie in bed with my eyes closed contemplating the cruelties of life. Or go on my phone

What’s your best feature (physical or mental)? nothin?? Okay uh I’m pretty loyal. Like I don’t make friends easily and I’m terrible at social situations and talking to people so I have like 3 friends but if I consider you a friend I’m ride or die

What are the top 3 things you admire about your bias and why? Taemin’s drive. He’s like me in that he’s on the quieter side and more reserved with his physical affections so I relate to him a lot and I often wish that I could be so driven to achieve the heights he has. If Taemin wants something, he’s very much willing to put in the blood, sweat, and tears to get it. Number two is his dancing skills. I love dance and he is phenomenal, and what initially drew me to shinee in the first place. Lastly his perseverance. When he started off he was ridiculed and essentially laughed at for being tone deaf and instead of let that crush him he turned it into his motivation. I wish I could do that lol.

If you could tell your bias anything what would you say? I hope you know that your voice and your dancing has touched so many people. That it’s become a strength for a lot of people who have no one else. I hope that you’re happy with the person you’ve become, and if you aren’t yet I hope you will be one day

What an album that you haven’t listened to for a while but will always hold a special place in your heart? uhh I’ve never been big on albums. Maybe the Eyes of Tomorrow album by Broken Iris. I haven’t listened to that in a few years but it... got me through a lot. Before shinee or any kpop group, that was the band I listened to that helped me through some tough times

Why do you study/work in the area that you do? cuz it’s the only thing I’m relatively good at. But I also genuinely enjoy the aspect of writing that involves world-building, and I like to create characters and build them up from nothing into diverse individuals with complex relationships

If someone wanted to befriend you, what should they do/say? ah, like I mentioned it’s kind of hard, I think, to be friends with me? Because I’m so horribly awkward. Usually if you want to be friends with me, you have to put in a lot of effort ;;; to maintain contact or reach out to me first ;; because I’ll always feel annoying or unimportant so I hardly ever reach out to people first. And most people don’t want to put in the effort to be friends with me so I’m #alone. Seriously lol in all 4 years of college I’ve made 0 friends.

Out of the people that you know irl or online, who is the most similar to your bias and why? no one??? Okay maybe my best friend angelie @silverznight is similar to taemin in that she works super hard towards her goals and she’s done a lot and gone through a lot to get there

If you could drastically change one thing about your life with no negative consequences what would you change? lmao. can i change the gender i was born as?? My appearance? My height? My career? My personality?

You have the opportunity to spend the day with your bias in your hometown. What do you do/where do you go with them? god... what does taemin like to do.. I’d take him to a billiards hall. Maybe Dave & Busters which is this giant arcade place. There’s billiards there. We’d just play around and chat over some drinks

Post a selfie (of yourself or your bias) that you love. I copied lou and put it up above ^ I don’t love any selfie so those are just the most recent from this morning

Okay now on to Lou’s questions!

1. Post one of your most loved pictures of your bias and say what you like about the picture.

what is there not to love about this pic.... that’s the true question 2. What is something that you think people admire about yourself? legitimately nothing my dude 3. Is there something that you believe you and your bias have in common? yeah!! Like I mentioned earlier, Taemin and I are similar in that we’re both on the quieter side in social situations. Awkward. Yet super comfortable and loud and goofy with close friends. Also we both are more averted to initiating physical contact, but fine with it when others initiate it 4. What is a food that you hated as a kid but actually enjoy now? I don’t think there is one? I still hate the foods that I hated as a kid 5. Which country would you choose to be born in, if not your home country? uhhhhhh I’m not sure. Sometimes I wonder about if my mom hadn’t been adopted though, and if I had been born in Korea, how things would be different. 6. What’s your favourite dance practice video? FUCK....... YOU CANT PULL THIS ON ME. Kay no it’s the War of Hormone bts one because it’s absolutely adorable and silly and one of the first ones I watched back when I was just discovering them 7. Is there a song that always gets stuck in your head when you hear it? hmm songs in general all tend to get stuck in my head. Can’t think of one that stands out 8. What’s an album that you haven’t listened to for a while but means a lot to you? Answered above in Bella’s question! 9. If you had the choice, as well as your mother tongue, what language would you choose to be fluent in? Japanese? Because I’ve spent 9 billions years trying to learn it and its so hard?? Let me be fluent already?? Or maybe Vietnamese so that I could talk to my bestie in her mother language 10. What are the qualities that you admire most about your bias? I feel like I answered this in bella’s third question so ^^ 11. What is a feature that you like about yourself? Nothing my dude

My questions:

Would you rather be a leader or a follower?

If you could go anywhere in the world right at this moment, where would you choose to go?

What aspect of your bias would you want to steal for your own? (singing talent, dancing talent, etc)

Do you follow strict routines or do you let the wind take you where it will?

Which do you prefer: familiar places or unfamiliar places?

If you could travel anywhere in the world with anyone you wanted, where would you go and who would you take?

Describe one strange/unique quirk of yours

What’s an impulse you’ve always wanted to follow but never have? (cutting your hair, moving, switching careers, etc)

What’s your personal aesthetic?

Where do you go when you want to be alone?

You woke up with a superpower! What is it?

tagging

@blingjonghyun @tofnew @sataeminism @choiminoh @silverznight @leejinklies @sluthyun only if u want to ofc

#THIS IS LONG AS HEK...........#if i tagged u pls dont read that all u can skip right on down to my own questions #mobile users im .... so sorry #THANKS FOR Q'S THO BELLA AND LOU #they were fun #time to sleep and not think abt my final tomorrow #tag games #mine #🦊

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theconservativebrief · 6 years

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It’s become fashionable to complain about the rise of “identity politics” in America.

The basic argument you hear from academics like Mark Lilla or journalists like Jonathan Chait (both self-identified liberals) is that the left’s focus on race, gender, and sexual identity has destroyed liberalism and prevented the Democrats from unifying the country. If the left would just focus on the economy, the argument goes, they could broaden their coalition and retake power.

There are interesting claims on both sides of this debate — but it’s also useful to step back and rethink what we actually mean by “identity.” Maybe identity politics is both unavoidable and potentially a positive force in American politics.

Kwame Anthony Appiah is a professor of philosophy and law at New York University and the author of a new book titled The Lies That Bind: Rethinking Identity. It’s a fascinating look at how we label ourselves, and how those labels define us and the conflicts that drive our politics. But it’s also about how identity is more fluid than we imagine, and why it often obscures all the things we have in common.

I called Appiah to talk about the book and why he thinks most of our conversations about identity and identity politics are misguided. A lightly edited transcript of our conversation follows.

Sean Illing

I’ll start with the double question you open the book with: What are identities, and why do they matter?

Kwame Anthony Appiah

The short answer is that identities are labels that we use to group each other. When you take one seriously, when you identify with a label, then you think of it as giving you reasons to do things and not to do things. If you’re a Catholic, you have reasons to obey the Catholic church and its teachings. You have reasons to help with Catholic organizations, and all the people associated with it, and that’s what makes it social.

And we respond to people in terms of these identities — so it’s not just that you have the label and you and the people who share it with you take it seriously, but other people do as well, and so the label affects how you’re treated. And once you see that that’s how identities work, you can see that they must be important at both the personal and political levels.

Sean Illing

The title of your book implies that “identity” is a lie. What do you mean by that?

Kwame Anthony Appiah

There’s something misleading or mistaken about the pictures that underline these identities and yet they bind us together in spite of that. They do bring people together, as well as divide people, and I think that the lies, the untruths, are often a very important part of how they work. They’re important to how people are held together.

People — and when I say people I mean everybody — need these simple stories and labels to help them understand their place in the world. Life is complicated, and the social world is complicated, and identities simply all that for us. And yet these are often just constructs, artificial labels that we’ve created, and our attachment to them can blind us to that fact.

“If you define yourself through the act of opposition, then you’re letting the oppressors set the terms”

Sean Illing

Do you think that identities force us to reduce ourselves and other people to abstractions?

Kwame Anthony Appiah

I think it can certainly do that. Especially when you forget that identity groups are incredibly diverse and that even people who share significant identities differ in all sorts of other ways. White people, for instance, are incredibly diverse, and one reason is that some of them are men and some of them are women, some of them are straight and some of them are not, and so on.

I think we run into dangers when we allow our identities to push us around, to make us do things we don’t actually want to do or need to do, just because we feel that’s what a black person would do or that’s what a white person would do or that’s what a Republican person would do. These identities can make all sorts of demands on us, and often that can overwhelm who we are as unique individuals.

Sean Illing

How did race or ethnicity become a central feature of personal identity? Or was it always thus?

Kwame Anthony Appiah

I don’t think it was always thus. People have always used labels to justify other people and those labels have always had something to do with appearance and ancestry. But there’s something distinctive about the modern way of doing it.

With the rise of the Atlantic slave trade, color comes to be very, very important in the Western world. The distinction between black people and white people and the native populations of the Caribbean, of the Americas, are mapped onto color, and these distinctions suddenly become extremely important.

And then in the early 19th century, with the rise of modern scientific ideas about humanity and the rise of modern biology, people come to think that these differences, these superficial differences in appearance, are a reflection of some deep physical separation. And so biology becomes this attempt to study the differences between these races and with that we get racism as we currently understand it.

Sean Illing

Each of us has multiple overlapping identities. In my case, I’m white and male and straight and American and a journalist and on and on. What determines which of these identities are activated at any given time?

Kwame Anthony Appiah

That’s a really important question and it’s something that people often don’t think about. I think the answer is that it depends on what we’re doing. So there’s an upcoming election and I’m very preoccupied with being an American and hoping that I can do something for my country and that my fellow citizens will go along.

If I’m in a gay bar, then my gayness is salient and so is the fact that I’m male. When I’m teaching a philosophy class, I’m aware of the fact that the male and female students are male and female — I can’t ignore it. But it doesn’t seem very relevant to what we’re talking about, unless, of course, we’re talking about feminism, and then gender is very relevant.

We’re pretty good at recognizing that there are features of our identities that are salient and help us divide ourselves. That’s one of the reasons why they’re important and even helpful. So you’re a journalist, that’s your professional identity, and it’s crucially important when, say, a cop wants to know who you’re talking to and how you got your information. Your identity as a journalist will be activated in that moment and as a result you’ll want to protect your sources of information.

Sean Illing

This seems like an important point, because I think we tend to think of identity as intractable or fixed, and so we get locked into these labels and they come to define us and define our conflicts with one another. But as you say, we have multiple identities and multiple points of contact with other people, and it’s almost never true that there is no shared ground at all.

Kwame Anthony Appiah

Yes, it’s very important to remember that someone you don’t share identities with is likely also someone you do share identities with. We’re currently very divided into political tribes in this country, and this defines the lines of conflict. But the areas of disagreement can become so outsized that they obscure the things we do share, like the fact that we’re all Americans.

We have to be very careful not to reduce other people to caricatures based solely on their partisan identity. You can never truly engage with people like that, and you’ll miss the things you actually do share. But if we get locked into fixed identities and locked into a cartoon interpretation of the other “team,” then we’re in deep trouble.

Sean Illing

There’s an interesting argument in the book about how identity-based movements that define themselves in opposition to dominant cultures are bound to cement their marginality. Can you say a bit about what you mean here?

Kwame Anthony Appiah

If you allow your identity to be totally shaped by your opposition to a dominant culture, as many racial groups have done because of the history of racism and xenophobia, you can become locked into that minority status. The first time a group becomes conscious of itself as an important social group, it is because they realize that they’re all being subjected to something.

But if you define yourself through the act of opposition, then you’re letting the oppressors set the terms. And it might be better — though of course it’s proper to resist the racism, the xenophobia, the homophobia, the sexism — to give your identity an affirmative content.

First, you come together as a group to protect yourselves, but later you can develop an identity with positive content that isn’t based purely on hostility to your oppressors. That is far better in the long run.

“We desperately need a way of doing politics that illuminates shared interests and emphasizes improving the conditions for everyone”

Sean Illing

Is identity becoming more paramount and determinative in a world that is changing faster and faster?

Kwame Anthony Appiah

There is certainly a connection between the large movements of people we saw after WWII and the range of diverse identities that have been activated since. Identity allows people to know who they are and navigate their way through a crowded, diverse world. It also allows groups to mobilize and act in concert, which is central to politics. But of course now we’re seeing a lot of pushback against so-called “identity politics.”

Sean Illing

Right, but here’s the thing: Politics largely consists of leaders activating certain identities that they think will create advantages for them, and usually that involves fomenting the right divisions or cleavages in society. So there’s all this pressure in the system pushing us to separate into teams or groups based on identity.

Kwame Anthony Appiah

The key thing I think is to make sure that the teams are held together by more than just hatred and contempt for the other team. There’s always going to be an element of that, but if you lead with the hatred and contempt, as Donald Trump often does, then you’re leading irresponsibly.

We desperately need a way of doing politics that illuminates shared interests and emphasizes improving the conditions for everyone, not just a particular group. And we’ve seen this many, many times before, such as during the Civil Rights movement in which white and black people worked together for the welfare of everyone.

The goal there wasn’t merely to get recognition for one group over another, or to give one group a special standing over others, it was to produce an outcome in which everyone enjoyed the same rights and privileges.

Sean Illing

My response to a lot of the complaints people make about identity politics is that I don’t know what politics looks like without identity. There was never a truly pre-identity politics era. The question is not whether to do identity politics or not do identity politics; it’s about which identities we activate and how inclusive or exclusive they are.

Kwame Anthony Appiah

I totally agree. It’s simply not possible to do politics without identity, unless we’re talking about the sort of politics that Aristotle imagined, which is politics in a community where everybody knows everybody else — but that’s not the world we live in. We have to be communities of strangers, and the only way communities of strangers can do anything together is through imaginative identification. And that’s what identity gives us.

So I completely agree with you, and that means we have to notice the dangers of identities and demand responsible leaders who will use them with an awareness of those dangers, and with a desire to advance common causes.

Original Source -> Why identity is a lie we can’t live without

via The Conservative Brief

#IFTTT #The Conservative Brief

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tumblunni · 7 years

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Bunni’s Rune Factory Sequel Thoughts/Wishes/OCs N Stuff!

Just my misc ideas for stuff I’d love to see in the series, and maybe some ocs hmm hmm~!

* Maybe have a town that’s more upgradeable or changeable as the story progresses? I expected something like that with the princess points in RF4, that you could support the various businesses and see the shops get new fancier sprites and stuff! And maybe have characters who start off just being unemployed npcs and then can start new businesses as the game goes on? Like if dylas could have been the fish salesman instead of it being a nameless npc. And maybe even after big events in the story the town could have stuff get destroyed, to show how dangerous the villains are? And then you could rebuild but it wouldnt be the same as it once was. * More activities for your pets to do! I like that they can help with farming but maybe they could unlock more tasks to automate as the game goes on? or maybe just have more customization for their farming, like you can choose what seeds they automatically plant, or set a rota for them to rest and swap fields. Maybe give them stats so certain ones could specialize in watering/planting/smashing rocks/etc? * Maybe have more random farm events like rune rain and typhoons? possible idea: period bandit raids or attacks by monsters. You set monsters as guards and if they win then they can farm dungeon items from the enemies, giving you a good way to gain them without having to revisit the same place ad nauseum. Or maybe have a random inspector event where you have a chance of winning a best farm award or something? And maybe when characters randomly visit your house they could actually do something instead of just standing there. Maybe they could comment on your crops? like, say yay if you have something they like, or give random tips, or small bonuses like casting a gigantifier effect on a random crop or restoring some health. Or depending on the character and their relationship with you, maybe they could do negative effects? Also i wish one of the endgame bonus awards could be the ability to turn these random events off entirely if you want, instead of just delaying it. * The possibility of maybe having a negative relationship bar as well as a positive one! So characters could maybe become rivals instead of just friends or indifferent, with nothing else. And maybe you could even have some points in both and have a friendly rivalry? * Characters having more potential interactions with each other outside of just you. I think it’d be nice if when you marry someone then the batchelor/ettes you dont pick could have random event chances where they marry each other. And maybe the player could influence who they end up with, depending on how you interact with the two of them? Play matchmaker! Help them find their happy ending even though you rejected them. Consolation for guilt! * Also can we maybe start having friendship options for each character’s main plot? Let me be able to resolve their sad backstory even if I dont date them, the only difference when I date them should be that I date them. Not that arthur never reconciles with his estranged mother unless we just happen to bump uglies :P * Adding LGBTQ marriage options would be hella amazing in every way, jesus christ please can we have this. Or like.. if we cant, then can we have like... less gay?? I dunno, i just feel like I’m sadder about not having gay marriage when the characters are CONSTANTLY teasing that some of them MIGHT have same sex romances yet nobody is allowed to ever do it. Stop rubbing it in. Its somehow more painful than not having any LGBTQ representation at all, just having this sort of ‘its not representation and it never will be but we’re gonna make it look like it just to torment you’. * i dunno, I feel like probably knowing the company we’re more likely to get a gay npc couple or something in the next game and still have to wait ages for an actual romanceable candidate. Theyre not exactly ahead of the times on the subject. BUT WE CAN HOPE!!! * I want Porcoline to cameo in the next game, or us to hear about how the porco restaurant family is doing. I got the most attatched to them! And I hope the De Saint Coquille family continues to cameo in every main rune factory game, though I think it’d be hard to top this incarnation of them! OH, it’d be amazingly awesome if the next De Saint Coquilles could be the direct descendants of Porco’s family and he cameos as a grandpa?? It could work if the sequel gives a canon love interest to lest/frey, like how raven cameo’d in rf4 and her dialogue heavily implies she ended up with micah. So if frey ended up with arthur or dylas or lest ended up with margaret, then they could be a new part of the de saint coquille family in this sequel cameo. or just be ambiguously referenced so that the player can decide which of the three marriages happened. Oh, or another idea is maybe you meet a branch of the de saint coquilles that’re all elves, if maybe the next game could be set in the elven kingdom? And they could reference being descended from porcoline who did a lot of work on human-elven diplomacy back in the day. Also maybe we could get another female character filling the usual role of the food-loving head of the family with the silly art style? I’ve heard that there was one female de saint coquille in one of the spinoff wii games i havent played but it’d be cool to see another. * Can we have two-seater monsters to ride? So you could go on dates atop an elephant! * Maybe be able to select one monster as your official pet? And it can live inside the house and have a lil food bowl and do more interactions with it, and have friends talk about it when they visit and maybe they can feed it snacks? And it could help raise friendship with different people depending on their preferences for different monsters. I just really like the monsters and I want to make them feel like a part of the family! * A possible very unlikely idea- maybe that monster could become human in a secret postgame quest, and be like your second child? I miss being able to have multiple children like in rf3, but I didnt like how children all looked identical and had basically zero personality in that game. This could be a good way to have two distinct kids! It’d be too tricky to give each monster a unique gijinka form like RF4′s guardians though, so just make it that they become a 100% human character with one set appearance and maybe a couple different colourschemes. maybe it could be that your close monster friend dies sacrificing itself to save you from like... an evil homunculus experimental weapon or something. And then they’re revived using the same magic that created that creature, their soul possesses it and they get to be this artificial human, and they get to have one preset appearance with a good excuse for why! And it could just be super cute and awesome to have them be so excited to finally talk to you and tell you how much they love you! And they could have funny sweet interactions getting used to human things, and their big sibling could help them. And they could be really good at helping with chores in the monster barn, just imagine them hugging all their old monster friends and they trust them completely and they can lead them off in a line like baby ducklings~! And maybe they can have random dialogue saying like ‘hey this monster wanted me to tell you they love you, mama!’ * It would be really cool if we could get a game with a customiseable protagonist, or even just the ability to choose between a few preset options for different races. or just a protagonist of the different races in general, like we’ve had a bazillion humans so cant we have an elf or dwarf? Micah being a were-monster was the entire appeal of that game, I think having another unusual protagonist would recapture that hype! But I really like the idea of having a customizeable protag who could be any of the main three races. I mean not much would have to change depending on who you pick, it’d be relatively less trouble to add in. Maybe just some occasional slightly different scenes to show the different perspectives? or they start with some boosts to different initial stats, or maybe have different aesthetics for the house you get? oooh, or maybe different aesthetics for all the outfits they can get! Like how theyre different for the genders in rf4, but they could have like a human/dwarf/elf cultural flair to each thing. I’d also love if there were more outfits than just pyjamas/bathing suit/8 different colours for default outfit. * I think I’ve mentioned this before but I had a cool idea for if a RF game had a ghost protagonist, now we know ghosts exist in this universe. You could play as both the male and female characters simultaneously, and just select which is the ghost and which is human! So there’d still be two routes with incentive to replay the game, but whichever character you dont pick gets to be the sidekick character with their own different personality and you can get them married to various sub-batchelors maybe? like, the assistant charrie’s romances are different from the ones you can get if you picked them as protagonist. Anyway. the setup would be that the ghost has to haunt a human in order to affect the real world, so thats why you have two characters. The more normal idea would be that protagonist is the human who’s haunted by an assistant/butler type ghost, but I also like the idea that you play as the ghost and you boss around this human to do all the heavy lifting. Like, instead of starting off and getting amnesia somehow, you start off alive and then die and have to possess someone in order to fullfill your unfinished business of raising this farm. You’re the ghost of the person who owned this farm, and you were sleeping here underground waiting for the chosen one you could bond with so you could get back to farming, but you slept too long and the place has got all overgrown and you start again from zero. And then the protagonist could be clueless about everything cos a century has passed, not just cos theyre amnesiac again. * Other excuses that aren’t just amnesia again: protagonist has moved here from another country, protagonist was some sort of sheltered princess who’s never worked a day in their life, protagonist is simply someone who’s never run a farm before and honestly who cares if you start off as someone who already lived here for years? Just have it like youre a loner who’s made a resolution to start being more social now, or some other reason. * A possible idea for a backstory- you are formerly a swashbuckling pirate who just decided to settle down. I dunno why but I think that’d make for a nice unique protagonist perspective! * Also maybe if we do amnesia again we can do something with it? Can we actually have an event eventually about regaining our memories? I was expecting in RF4 there’d be a reveal that before your amnesia you used to be a sechs empire soldier, since all we know about you is that you’re the one who had the rune stones in the beginning of the game. Only other explanation I can think of for that is that there’s some sort of earthmate country somewhere that creates these stones, or you were a merchant who somehow was selling such a rare artifact? I dunno, I still think that the ‘oh god i used to be evil’ twist would have been really really good! * Maybe it could be possible to have other ways to ‘choose’ a character, and get them to become an npc in your house and wander around? I dunno about you guys but I really loved all the themes of ‘found family’ in RF4 and wished there was an equivelant of the marriage routes where I could adopt volkanon as my grandpa or something. Or maybe have a bunch of orphan npcs you can adopt, as an option for if you have a same sex marriage? I just wished I could have made some sort of symbolic gesture to them to say ‘hey, you are my favourite of the non-dateable npcs, thank you’. * Also I’d really like to see a romanceable ghost! I just really think that now they revealed that ghosts are a thing that can exist, I wanna see more about ghosts. Some sort of bigger role to a ghost! * Also yes series please continue having adorkable monster people to marry, that was the entire reason i picked RF4 as my first game to play, lol! I am a bit sad though that all the girls in RF4 arent very monstery at all and all the boys are more monstery. Its a shame cos in RF3 there’s two super monstery girls with the best designs and personalities! I wanna play that game next, I wanna go backwards in order XD

#bunni plays rf4 #rune factory 4 #sorry for long post #i'd love to chat with people who have different ideas too!

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