#i cant seem to convince myself right now this is enough | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yongseungkim · 2 months

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#think my feelings'll have to come to an end soon #but idk why im so reluctant to do so..what im still holding on to..#idk man #we are friends!! real good ones at that #and a year ago i never would have imagined!!#but ithink to me its clear from her end that it was never anything more than that for her #even if sometimes for me i hoped and hoped #cant seem to let go of that hope completely #even though im thankful in so many ways like #i cant seem to convince myself right now this is enough #im like #being mentally not ill is so hard too cuz #i want to be like 'oh ofc it makes sense shes not interested in me who would be'#and its so easy to think that #and have that be the calming thought that shuts down delusion #its so much harder for me to say shes not into u but thats okay there might be someone else in the future #what that implies i have absolutely no fucking idea #i dont wanna do dating apps yall like #everything abt it feels so unappealing #i actually genuinely wanna go down the friends to lovers route but god is it so painful.#and seeing how successful ive been in making friends thus far uhh...#finding someone else to kinda even start being attached to that isnt her in a non platonic sense is hard #like w her the feelings too are just very deep #there are casual crush moments here and there for sure i think but nothing thats quite felt like this #and it kinda sucks lol #how are you supposed to find someone #i also wanna. be okay with. not finding someone #and god for the longest time in my life i was okay with that but now im not and its so unfamiliar and idk how to reconcile it #honestly i wanna be someones go to person #but no one wants to be that for me i think so ive been trying to become that person for myself but

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pizzapizzadickz · 1 year

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#diary #personal #im gonna finish eating and go back to lay in my bed all day...#im just sorta. it really really hurts and i honeslty cant handle interacting with others right now.#hell. everything just hurts so much right now.#like. i tried to force myself to do something and just. i end up getting instantaneous backlash.#im really tired. and id just like to exist calmly.#so imma go back to bed after eating and using the washroom and do nothing else at all today.#i honeslty dont think i can today. like. i obviously can. but at what cost?#im beyond burnt out. still recovering from a meltdown/shutdown/breakdown/whatever. and im sore and in pain #im really tired of living like this. and id rather stay in bed. and actually feel okay there instead.#here? its just painful. i barely got out of bed to eat and now i just regret it.#i wouldve not eaten. i would've liked to have not eaten. but i barely convinced myself to get outta bed.#but then the thing i was gonna gave we were out of. and then i got stressed while making porridge #and while i barely finished everything hurts beyond all else.#i just. im used to this. its fine. but i still hate it.#i dont mind taking care of myself. really. i just wish i had enough space to do so without being set back again and again #im so fucking tired. and i dont think anyone ever really understands what that means?#not to me at least. they seem to think itll be fine #but its not. its really not. i have to keep supressing the urge to just quit my job and actually just be okay.#but i have to press on. i have to work. i dont know why. but its not like i have much of a choice?#i dont know why im bothering. i dont know.#im really tired. and theres no break that could ever realy fix this. im sorta just fucked arent i?#haaah. what i wouldnt give to live differently. what i wouldnt give to just live elsewhere.

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lueurjun · 9 months

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neighbours to lovers! jake sim.

neighbour!jake x reader! in which jake sim has been in love with you from the minute he set his eyes on you. thank u so much for your support<3

OKAY LEMME TAKE A MOMENT TO GATHER MYSELF

because NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR JAKE???

WHO HAS BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU SINCE YOU WERE KIDS?

dead. cant breathe.

his family and your family obviously know each other well

and i see his house as being ‘the spot’ during your childhood where all the neighbourhood kids used to play

he had these monkey bars in his backyard that everyone always wanted to play on

but jake always made sure you got to go on them first

#whipped

#nineyearoldrizz

brace yourselves

are you braced?

i’m not sure you’re braced

… HE WAS YOUR FIRST KISS

i know!! so cute right?

fighting back tears rn

you were only eleven so you didn’t really think much of it. he was your first kiss and you were fine with that

jake on the other hand?

he still thinks about it

in fact, that’s one of the scenarios he thinks of to help him get to sleep

boy is hopelessly in love

and everyone knows it too

like he denies it but everyone just knows

because he will drop anything just to do you the smallest favour

“hey jake, are you busy? i could really use your help watering my parents flowers?”

jake, who is in fact busy, “nope. not at all. never. give me that watering can.”

i repeat: w h i p p e d

cant blame him tho. you’re the embodiment of warmth, the personification of excellence. you are simply amazing.

i got more rizz that jake just sayin… ;D

despite knowing you for so long, he still gets all tongue tied whenever you’re around

and you’re just clueless

a perfect little dumbass

no matter how many times your family and friends — and even HIS family and friends — try to tell you, you’re convinced he’s just being friendly

because boys like jake don’t like people like you

you’re not enough for him. and he’s certainly not attracted to you

keep thinking like that. i dare u. i’m outside of your house. ur perfect! MWAH MWAH. take all my love pls

in true neighbours to lovers fashion, your bedroom window faces his

#youbelongwithmecore

and sometimes like the little creep that you are, you peek inside of his room to see if he’s there

unbeknownst to you, little jakey poo does the exact same thing

soulmates fr

twins asf

people that creep on each other, end up with each other

i do not condone staring into your crushes bedroom. do not do that. you may get arrested… but if you do send me your mug shot, i bet u look adorable! KIDDING IM TOTALLY KIDDING PLS DONT GET ARRESTED

anywhooo, one particular night you peek into his room

at the exact same time as him

cue that spiderman meme where they’re just pointing at each other

you both just kinda freeze

staring at each other

because now what? you’ve both caught each other out

eventually, you shuffle forward and open your window which coaxes jake to do the same

the confidence comes naturally because it’s only jake, you know him like the back of your hand

tho ur screaming on the inside because a) you’re embarrassed and b) JAKE WAS STARING INTO YOUR ROOM WHICH MEANS HE WAS LOOKING FOR YOU

it’s almost like he’s in love with u or sumn idk

“are you stalking me, sim?”

his cheeks go bright red and he kinda starts spluttering

“i—no. i promise i wasn’t—i-“

well. that was disappointing. you kinda hoped he’d keep up with your flirty banter

“it’s okay jake, i was doing the same thing.”

honest icon. you truly can do no wrong

even more spluttering. even more blushing

because YOU???? WERE WATCHING HIM??

bro loves stalkers. IM KIDDING ILY

anyways there’s something about the atmosphere

and to jake, it just seems right to say what’s on his mind

which leads to him sitting with his feet hanging out of the window and the darkest shade of red on his cheeks

“i still think about that kiss.”

did u hear me scream?

your mind goes blank

because what tf does that mean?

the kiss?? THE KISS? THE FIRST KISS???

HE STILL THINKS ABOUT THAT???

he can’t look you in the eyes, choosing to fiddle with his fingers instead

and you just stand there dumbfounded

bby talk to him before i lose my mind

when you don’t say anything, jake scrambles back into his room which kinda snaps you out of your trance

his fingers are itching to close the window

“i’m kinda upset that you’ve never come back for seconds”

i literally have a lambo and nine mansions

marry me rn

now it’s jakes turn to be speechless

bro is FLABBERGASTED

“oh.” 🧍🏻

“oh?”

“oh.”

this is painful. it’s 5:30 am rn cut me some slack

you have this poor boy breaking out into a rash from stress

and it worsens when you grab your coat and demand for him to meet you outside

like the true gentleman, he doesn’t leave you waiting long and almost falls flat on his face trying to get through the door

what a loser. i love him

he shuffles towards you, hands in his pockets and a look that says he’s absolutely terrified

are you gonna slap him? tell him you never want him to speak to you again?

“look, i’m sorry if i overstepped—“

“are you gonna give me my kiss i’ve been waiting for or not?“

it’s then that he notices that you’re both in the exact same spot as you were all those years ago when the first kiss happened

literally giggling and kicking my feet rn

“a-are you sure?”

and those are the exact words he uttered the first time too

he was as nervous as he was back then, perhaps even more so this time around

because this isn’t an innocent childhood kiss

you’re grown now. it’s different

in true y/n fashion, you start to lose patience

so you trust your gut and you grip onto his shirt, tugging him closer giving you the perfect chance to collide your lips with his

jake’s hands waft around in stress until they finally settle on your waist and he gains enough confidence to pull you somewhat closer to him

i don’t want a boyfriend. i don’t want a boyfriend. i don’t want a boyfriend.

the kiss is a thousand times better than the first

it's passionate and sentimental, full of longing and tenderness. it’s everything and more.

pulling away is almost a chore as you rest your head against his.

“i could get used to that.”

jake goes to respond, a breathless chuckle ghosts your lips when suddenly a wolf whistle cuts through the street

“AYO JAY OWS ME 20! I KNEW HE’D GROW SOME BALLS EVENTUALLY”

sunghoon, the neighbour across the street who also happens to be jake’s best friend, is leaning out of his window.

that definitely should have ruined the moment but you were far too wrapped up in the bliss of having jake so close to you, that nothing could ruin the happiness you felt

not even sunghoon and his idiocy.

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skinnytuna · 11 months

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I really really like that long post you did about making art. especially: 'i have somehow convinced myself that, if i maybe try a little bit, not exceptionally hard, but only a little bit, maybe i will somehow magically be good enough and worthy of critical praise.'

I spend all my time thinking about the beautiful or ""groundbreaking"" things I would make but no time actually doing it. and then when I attempt to create something the actual discomfort of physically drawing, writing or even coding is so unlike the idealised version in my brain that I have to stop because it is so frustrating. I wish I could be the sort of person who decides to spend hours upon hours perfecting a craft. but I just cant. weirdly I've come to terms with it. theres a whole world of art that exists just for me in my head. maybe one day ill be able to translate it into reality. but for now, im just going to be happy with the dual presence of my shitty real art and my lovely art thats just for me.

(also: I dont think your posts are lacking. the way you use language is unexpected and hilarious. I like it a lot.)

we should have a word for the terminal need for validation but lack of any and all discipline ... seems like a relatively new phenomena. i'm considering the strong possibility that it's a widespread result as the death of the "hobby"... however many years ago i imagine it was normal to just do something for yourself, because you love doing it. in fact i see a lot of my friends parents still doing stuff such as this.

i have a lot of friends whose dads make eps and albums for fun. for them only. no wishing on a star for it to blow up overnight. none of that. security in the quality of it. security in how far it probably won't reach. now that security, of course, could just come with age. but i suspect there's a generational parasite.

we were all raised with Numbers. the follower count, the like count, these are burned into our psyche. a neurosis coiled tightly around an objective metric of validation. a handful of years ago such a neurosis couldn't even exist! and it especially couldn't exist in a matter of seconds or minutes. your value as a person is a pair of dice that you roll and you snatch them back the moment you see snake eyes. almost all of the amateur art, music, writing we are exposed to has a number right under it. you don't get to evaluate it yourself. there is immediately a pavlovian connection, i like this thing, this thing has this number attached to it, if i can get a number like that i'm worthy of coexisting with this thing.

there's an almost instant dissociation between the craft, the skill, the time, and the FRUIT. what you get back. we are almost trained to care more about how popular something is than how good it is. not like, hollywood productions, or Columbia Records' chart topping album by a thirty something with A&R parents, but how popular someone just like you is on the internet. a plausible professional with a twitter account who draws whatever they want. someone you could relate to. someone you could be.

but because you want the numbers you skip the learning... you make something and put it out. and you keep doing this. your learning is public, your honing of the craft is documented before an audience of hopefully thousands. and you see what they respond to. and their responses steer the direction of your learning. you never have an opportunity to make something shitty. make something no one likes. experiment. you just keep feeding the computer. and it works until the point where you want to do something else, or something real, or something better, or something serious, and realize you don't know how. and you're like Fuck Shit why did I hustle instead of learning in peace.

but of course this is all by design. the numbers can't teach themselves more numbers if you doodle in your sketchbook and don't show anyone. i'm not sure if it was ever a specific person's idea to make everyone's entire life a performance, but whoever engineered it did a damn fine job. takes a sledgehammer to break out of. oh well ! in a few generations i'm sure all of our skin will have glare dampeners evolved specifically to vlog better with. and everyone will have forgotten what it's like to do something in your room, by yourself, because you like to do it

#forgot i had a tumblr im back hello

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vernxnsfool · 1 year

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i’m having a tough day so i made this for myself

vernon comforts you after you find out bad news.

it was the weekend, and nonie had the entire day off… for once in a blue moon, but between his heavy work schedule and your heavy work load, you mutually decided that today was going to be a relaxing marathon of your favorite comfort movies. you were in the middle of watching despicable me when all of the water vernon drank was finally catching up to him.

with a soft sigh he kissed your forehead before he set angled his arms from around you & apologized as he waddled to the bathroom. you immediately paused the tv.

“you don’t need to! i’ll be speedy quick!” he yelled back as he continued waddling to the bathroom, earning a chuckle from you.

but when he came back, you were no longer relaxed and cuddling the squishmallow hansol bought for you when you jumped up and down out of excitement just from seeing it in the score. no. you were glaring down at your phone in your hands that had just notified you of something you never wanted to hear. you were upset at the device for ruining what was supposed to be a relaxing day with your boyfriend, instead turning it into something that would mark the beginning of a time of healing.

“y/n?” he started towards you with confusion, seeing you silently shaking

you didn’t respond. you just sat on the couch, trying to convince yourself to hold out for the day, just for the day. so you could have a normal day with him.

“y/n?” vernon asked again, this time sitting beside you. you refused to look at him, not wanting him to see how distraught you actually were. maybe you could still pull yourself together and make this seem like some joke.

you wish it was just some sick joke.

a ding rang through the air coming from your phone, immediately causing you to throw it without second thought before your hands went straight to your head and the sobs that you were trying to hold back all came out.

“hey hey hey…” vernon grabbed your hands and held them in his own, shifting so he was now in front of you. his hands squeezed yours as he tried to lower himself to your eye level.

“whatever’s wrong i’m here, y/n. please let me help you baby.” you could hear the worry laced in his voice as he continued to hold your hands. you didn’t say anything but motioned to your phone, which was now on the ground in front of the couch. he continued to caress one of your hands with the pad of his thumb before retrieving the phone, and trying to place it in your free hand. you shook your head fervently before gently pushing it back to him.

“read it, please. i cant read it again right now.” you said, voice barely above a whisper.

his heart ached at the sound of your voice being so fragile. he couldn’t stand to see you feeling any sort of negative emotion. he only wanted you to feel happiness, because that’s what you deserved.

hansol continued rubbing the back of your hand as he opened your phone. you two knew each others phone passwords, both of you had been dating long enough to trust that the other wouldn’t go snooping through the others phone- or even opening it without permission.

hansol immediately turned your phone off and pulled you in for a hug after reading the words on the screen. he held you as you sobbed and asked him how this could happen. how the world could be so cruel. he wanted to make you feel better. he would place soft kisses on the top of your head until your sobs slowly turned into small whimpers. he held back his own tears just from seeing and hearing you so distraught. he didn’t tell you it was okay. because he knew it wasn’t.

he handed you some tissues from the coffee table. you’d cried in front of him before so he knows you hate it when people hear or see you blow your nose, so he leads you to the bathroom and places a soft kiss on your hand before closing his eyes and covering his ears. this caused you to giggle slightly, which made him smile in response. once you had finished, you began washing your hands with warm water. it wasn’t long before that you saw hansol waiting to use the sink himself, a wash rag held between his hands. he kept the water warm, and gently turned you so your back was against the countertop. he turned the water off and rung the washcloth out before bringing his free hand to cup the back of your head, and the washcloth gently going over your tear stained face.

the act of kindness caused a few more tears to fall, hansol immediately placing soft kisses on your cheeks before continuing to rub the washcloth around your face. you could only look at him with pure love. how did you manage to get someone as caring, kind, and loving as him?

you pulled him into a tight hug. hands around his waist and head pressed against his chest. he wrapped his arms around your back as he rested his head on yours.

“i’m sorry, love.” he began, rubbing soothing circles on your back. “the world is cruel and evil. i know it hurts, but i will be here for you as long as you want me to, because i love you so much.” you could hear the soft quiver in his voice when he said he loved you. you squeezed him tighter.

“i love you too, sol.” you sighed deeply as the two of you stood in the bathroom, protecting eschother from the sadness of the outside world.

back to masterlist

#vernon fluff #vernon fanfic #vernon imagines #hansol fluff #hansol x reader #vernon x reader #hansol imagine #hansol scenario

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goremet-chef · 11 months

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guhh im so bothered rnn (vent/rant)

so... i? idk. ive been out as trans in my house since 2020. my mom doesnt call me dom (sometimes she does if my sibling encourages her to, but she defaults back to my deadname anyways) and ive learned to accept it. i dont think she ever will and its sad for me, the reality that once i start my transition, ill need to just.. leave a lot of my family behind. they think its some rebellious choice like i hate all of them but im more worried about them hating me

my mom says shes supportive but is actively right wing, shes having an inner battle with her ideologies, i know that. i can tell by how she talks about homeless people vs how she talks about us being queer

so. whatever. thats my mom i guess. but for a long time, i wasnt out to my moms husband. i despise him and ive never intentionally started a conversation with him, let alone come out. ive started to not care about what he thinks. i know what he thinks, he thinks gays should die, said it straight to my gay siblings face. okay, cool. doesnt concern me, moms bf is absolutely fucking nothing to me.

to remedy this sort of like... we didnt wanna DEAL with what he might say if he heard both my siblings calling me dom, cuz both of them do, so whenever theyre around they would just refer to my deadname, but i saw it made them cringe, so now everyone calls me 'that one child'

that one, other one, etc etc

no one even calls me my name anymore

it makes me feel so hopeless. ive EXPRESSED it makes me upset but my younger sibling doesnt care (the one most guilty of it), because they dont understand why it upsets me, i guess thats enough reason to keep going

its so dehumanizing to be reduced to actually nothing. i ALREADY have heaps and heaps and HEAPS of identity issues. sometimes it gets so bad i start having crazy ass delusions, sometimes im not even present and its a different part of my mind in my body

its hard enough as is!!! now my family wont call me anything at all

it makes me feel less bad about leaving, but i dont think ill ever leave at this rate

need to start T, change my name, get a job, all in that order. starting T seems impossible at this rate. i.. dont know what to do. i cant keep LIVING like this, because im not living at all

i never leave my house because im too ashamed in how i look, i cant BEAR the thought of anyone else perceiving me as female, i cant fucking do it!!! im so tired. my house is like a prison for me, genuinely.

and my family dont get it, obviously. they think its my choice, im some kind of hermit who doesnt care about being outside because i have internet. they are so fucking wrong. i miss going out, i miss being around people, i miss existing like everyone else, but i just cant do it man. not like this

so it becomes a waiting game, when am i gonna bring up starting it? how do i even move forward once i do? what if she says no? id have to do it on my own but i cant.. i cant even order things for myself without freezing like shutting up will get me out of there, i cant fucking do it

she doesnt even know!! we were in the car together and she was like yknow theres people who cant even make a doctors appointment. what losers.

IM losers, would she have said that if she knew? does she know and decided to say it anyways? i dont know, but its just.. everything seems so hopeless at this point. i want to just give up, accept im not gonna be who i truly am, but man i cant stand being any more miserable

it makes me wanna cry, the only time i get to feel myself how i think i should be is either if i draw something fictitious, or if i spend hours in the mirror making sure i look masculine, my mustache is convincing, etc. AND FOR WHAT? literally for fucking WHAT, because i dont leave the house anyways!!!!! dolled up like i have somewhere to be, like my appearance will get me what i want, when im stuck at home! i got nothing to prove to them, they think what they think

its fucking dreadful. im so scared of my life passing me by, and here i am wasting away in my bedroom for the last 3 years. no progress, nothing. at first, i was scared about even starting T because theres a higher risk of heart disease, but. i dont fucking care if it KILLS me. i dont care!!! if it kills me i dont fucking care im not living the life i want to live anyways. the risk of death is worth it at this point, i mean that so seriously

idk. im just tired, is all. i wish everyone could perceive me the way i dream they would. only time that happens is online, or when im not with my family at all and instead with my friends. but we only hang out like. once in a blue moon

and yknow what? im not even safe then. i remember we were at my friends house for halloween last year (we always meet up). i had my full leatherface costume one, my face was touched up to make it look like the mask. and still. dressed that way, when my friends mom asked me what my name was, i said dom and she was immediately like. "oh, dominique?" no. my name is fucking DOMINIC.

i didnt say anything besides correcting her, but it was such a blow, man. the only time ill be happy is if im closely monitoring every single thing i do, to make sure i dont appear feminine at all. no matter how i look, now matter how deep my voice is. miserable. why would anyone think that id choose this

#tw transphobia #tw dysphoria #tw queerphobia #tw misgendering

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celestie0 · 1 month

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ellie did you hear about the solar storm thing thats been going around?

my friend gave me a detailed explanation abt what it is whats going to happen n all n honestly i am TERRIFIED.

like it genuinely seems so real that i cant even convince myself that this is another one of those silly things that go around each year

the fact that research for this solar storm has been going on since 2019 is ???? scary ????

makes it seem more believable tbh bc if it was not real it wouldn't have been going on for so long

IM SO SCARED 😭 genuinely cried when my friend was telling me ab this and she also said thwt we'll get to know ab when the solar storm is going to hit about 30 minutes before AND NOW IM PARANOID BC IT CAN HIT ANY MOMENT NOOOOO

and to top this off my mother told me that not many ppl will survive till 2027 i have no idea where she got that from but she scared me even more

this is so bad.

hii my love yess ive heard of the solar storm, i know that solar flares in general have been talked about a lot for a while now but i didn’t know that there was recent news about it!

i’m sorry you’re experiencing anxiety regarding it :””( yeahh ive heard that solar flares are near impossible to predict in advance for a lot of reasons, so that can definitely heighten the fear

hm idk if it makes you feel better but i remember nasa n other news outlets were talking about solar storms the exact same way about a year ago (i just remember telling my dad ab it cuz he works in aerospace n figured his company might’ve been discussing it) but nothing happened at all within the six month period that the news had been freaking out about LOL. i panicked a lot then too n my dad said it was just fear mongering lmfaoo 💀 (he’s kind of a cynic though haha) but yea i just bring this up because it’s not the first time this sort of news has been sensationalized

following any sort of space stuff can be scary for sure n it’s super easy to get lost in article rabbit holes that can really disrupt your quality of life in the present :( but i think there have been multiple instances of space phenomena that have been hyped up in media (even by a lot of reputable news outlets) that have not really affected daily life as much as it was thought to (like the never ending cycle of news about new asteroids, the whole aliens thing, etc)

i think it’s important to remember that the scientists that are actually behind the research are completely different entities than the people writing up articles about it online, so you always have to take the news with a grain of salt or maybe try to look into accounts from the actual researchers behind the findings (who, more often than not i’ve found, don’t even panic about their own research to the level of extent a lot of media ppl do online haha)

i’m not saying i don’t believe in the possibility of a solar storm or anything like that lol i just think there’s a lot of tendency in news these days to scare tf outta people for no reason

also correct me if im wrong but the largest danger of a solar storm would be disruption of radio & internet frequencies right? i thought they werent actually powerful enough to cause any sort of biological radiation harm ;0 loss of internet access would definitely be a weird thing to see and could put stress on more developed countries, but a lot of the world doesnt even have internet access to begin with so i’m not sure how much it will actually affect livelihood (i’m aware that it’d affect a LOT of things for sure, but i’m talking ab dangers like life or death situations, n i just cant imagine that being the case? but if you’ve looked into that more than i have n have more to share then lemme know i’m really curious)

sorry, im just bringing this all up in hopes it helps w your fears, n not to invalidate them! bc i totally get it, it’s scary stuff esp when it’s stuff you feel like you have no control over. but there’s a lot of things in life we have no control over, i think it’s best to just focus on what we can control n just try to enjoy today :)

thank u for ask bb <3

#asks

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pinkniz · 1 year

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Thinking about yandere Leon and Freddy so here goes my ideas because I refuse to write stories myself but I want to get it out of my mind

Leon

He's anxiety inducing to say the least, its like being stalked by a lion(haha funny but fr hes like that)

He stalks you for a long time before even approaching you

Eventually he starts getting closer by appearing in places you frequent, you will start noticing this strange man with red hair that seems to be everywhere you go. Whether its the grocery store, your favorite cafe, your workplace, he's everywhere but never directs a word to you

You will notice things you like or showed interested in start appearing in your house. He observes you so much he notices what you like and sometimes he breaks inside your house to leave you little gifts

At this point you're probably terrified but dont worry it will get worse because he's no longer satisfied with just observing you and what pushes him to actually pursue you its jealosy

He sees others approaching you, way too close for his liking and thats when he decides to take you away. He says to himself he's only trying to keep you safe but in reality? He wants to be the only one allowed to have you

He's cold most of the time, but if you could only know what he has done for you, the amount of blood he has spilled just for you

He starts sharing with you, sharing himself, his interests. He thrives on those moments when you two have something in common or (out of fear) you stay close to him and listen to music together

Dont worry, he'll often come clean up the room he keeps you in, feed you and bring you gifts. Hopefully (for him) you'll warm up to him and you'll finally allow him your touch which he desperately craves. Just be good and he'll be good to you because as much as he cares for you, he will NOT TOLERATE any misbehaving from you

Leon usually only punishes you by taking away the nice things he gives you and becoming colder towards you, if you try to run away too many times he will chain you up to limit your movement but when he's mad at you he starts insulting you. How can you be such an ungrateful brat? Are you really that stupid to not see how much he does for you? No wonder he's the only one that could tolerate your existence

He isnt violent per se but he can be forceful. He grabs your wrists to move you around the room he keeps you in with enough strenght to leave bruises just to make sure you cant break away from his grasp. If he has you tied up its likely that he'll drag you around

He isnt affected at all by your tears and pleas, he's genuinely convinced he's doing the right thing, that you can't be by yourself and that you need him, you just haven't realized yet. This is necessary to keep you safe. Stop crying already, you just have to sit down and he'll do all the work

Freddy

Oh boy

You're in for a treat, you see, Freddy is a classic meathead who can hardly stay focused in anything except the things he likes, and he happens to like you a LOT

In contrast to Leon slow and discrete approach, Freddy goes all in from the start. He flirts, he shows off to you, he will buy you anything you want but the problem is that in this pursue, he will start putting you in danger just so he can "save" you and show you how strong he is and how only he can protect you

It ranges from ordering his lackeys to attack you or straight up releasing miramon near your house so he can beat them in front of you

He slowly convinces you that you're only safe with HIM. And as you get more and more attached the worse he gets because he sees it as the "seal of the deal". Now you're mates.

He's extremely jealous of anyone who approaches you, he starts marking you with bitemarks and scratches you with his claws so others know you're taken by him and if they dont go away he doesn't mind crushing them, in fact he loves dismembering others just for you, isnt he sweet?

He never stops spoiling you tho, in fact, he has bringed you to his place, he lets you do whatever you want there and you have plenty of luxuries provided from him. He doesn't really mind because he sees YOU as his home so as long as you're with him he's content

Despite his possesiveness over you he actually likes parading you, he sees you as the prettiest creature on Earth and he loves bragging about you and how you're "all his", you can dress however you want and he allows you to go outside but he will GROWL at anyone who comes too close for his liking.

He's very violent and mean towards everyone except you, it's like as if a switch gets flipped in his head whenever it comes to you. He can do a little disembowling, a bit of bone breaking here and there, but he strongly refuses to harm you outside of marking you with his teeth and claws and your existence is such a delight to him and every time you praise him you're only fueling his obsession over you

If you put defiance he will find it amusing, go on, bite him, punch him, kick him, you are such a feisty little thing aren't you? He laughs at your useless attempts and can only find them cute but if you cross his limits he will break everything around you, furniture flying across the room, claw slashes across the walls and despite not wanting to hurt you, he actually loves seeing you cry

#dislyte #dislyte x reader #leon dislyte #freddy dislyte #leon vali #freddy fenrir #👁️👁️#x reader

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xbooklover26x · 1 year

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Things about me that probably no one will ever care to know

- I love reading cos it lets me escape for a while

- I'm obsessed with the characters and they mean a lot to me cos they're a constant, they're reliable and they cant hurt me

- every night I fall asleep to scenarios i make up in my head cos I dont think I'm ever going to experience the scenarios in real life so scenarios are the best I'm gonna get

- I still love teddies and stuff cos I dont think I get enough hugs in real life, so i go to them for hugs

- I love stray kids sm bcos the way they connect with their fans sm makes me feel loved and appreciated, ik its sad

- I've always been drawn to felix bcos his soul seems so pure and hes such a beautiful person that it gives me hope for people ig

- every night I have to have at least a few hours completely alone in my room or everything can feel a bit too much

- fandoms are my safe place bcos I dont feel judged when I'm in them

- I'm a hellenic polytheist or a hellenic pagan, I havent worked that part out yet

- I feel such a huge connection and pull to the greek deities and I respect them sm

- i dont have to convince myself I believe in them like I had to with the Christian god, i truly do just believe in them

- after I got confirmed I had about a week or so where I tried so hard to be a good Christian

- I stopped following christian beliefs when I realised I didnt understand why such a benevolent god would allow so much hatred and pain on the earth

- only about 5 people know about my religion, I hate it but I'm too scared to tell people bcos I think they'll think its stupid

- I have to have music playing if I'm doing everyday tasks, it helps me focus and enjoy what in doing

- my biggest bookshelf is organised by the first letter of the last name of the author bcos it's easy for me to navigate

- I'm secretly so proud of the way my bookshelves look, I tried pretty hard to make them look nice and they bring me a lot of happiness

- last time I counted, i had 417 books, i was so proud of my collection

- I have a lot of mental health problems, but I ignore them most of the time cos my friends are more important than me

- I create a different personality for basically everyone I meet bcos it's so important to me that people like me

- I've done it so much I'm not sure what my actual personality is

- I discovered I was pansexual after I decided I enjoyed 'I Kissed A Girl' too much and did some Google quizzes during lockdown

- I hadnt heard of pansexuality before but when I looked into it the label felt so right

- I spent my 16th birthday with 2 of the most important people to me, and I loved it

- I'm scared of trying to find a fashion style to wear bcos I'm worried I'm not thin enough to make outfits look good

- I love so passionately and strongly, and I'm scared no one will return that love but I'm also kinda proud of how much I can love ig

- crying gives me a headache and itchy eyes, so when I feel like crying I watch something ik will make me laugh

- after closing night of my first (and last) school show I cried the entire night

- I make myself laugh a lot more than I probably should

- I'll go through periods of not eating fruit then one day randomly eat a banana and remember how much I like them

- I'm bad at saving money but I wanna get better

- I have a strong attachment to the show All Of Us Are Dead bcos the characters feel familiar and real

- and the cast is really pretty

- when I love something I try to force it upon my friends, usually unsuccessfully

- I think nature cam be really pretty but I'm hardly in it cos it makes my hayfever bad

- I'm learning Korean and Greek bcos I think both are such beautiful languages and I like the challenge

- the day I realised I'd matured was when I felt more drawn to characters who would be good for me in a relationship situation, rather than ones who would be kinda toxic or too difficult

- I could talk about the things I love for hours (especially stray kids right now) but I hardly ever get the chance to

- I wrote all of this to see if it would make me feel better about me to be so truthful, and ig it did a bit

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catra-writes · 1 year

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grief.

grief for those ive lost, grief for the person i couldnt be and for the person i used to be, grief for those ive hurt and couldnt help grief for pain i caused myself for damage i caused for damage i couldnt fix. grief for things that never happened, for what could have been had i tried a little harder let a lone tried at all, had i said something for once. grief for the words i left unspoken and now will never know what impact they could have had, for what impact i could have had. i feel grief for so much, the people who left my life, the lives i left, the relationships i ended, the relationships i let slip through my fingers, the things that could have been more happy memories, the memories that turned sour. the pets i lost and no longer have, the things i neglected to care for.

i feel so much grief for things that were both in and out of my control, i dont want to feel more grief but i know this will never go away, i'll always have "sad for what could have and what ifs" moments, i'll always feel a pit in my stomach for choices i made or didnt make, that wont change. grief never goes away for a survivor of disasters, even if on the outside it doesnt seem all that disastrous.

2. mind control

a mind under control, something people think i've had all my life but in reality i never have nor could i gain it. not where i am right now. i have people still in my life controlling me, poisoning my mind with more doubts and fears and insecurities, more guilt and blame and things i cant change until im finally gone from here. my mind is under the control of seeds of doubt and anxieties planted by my abusers since i was a mere child, things i cant uproot when theyre still being watered on the daily.

i cant free myself of the mind control unless i have help choking the weeds out, until then im stuck under the thumb of voices and chains belonging to those who've hurt me to the point im convinced im beyond repair, to people i believe i have no choice but to rely on or else i cant function because thats what they want in my head.

3. betrayal

a feeling im all to damn familiar with. many of my relationships ended because of a backstab, a switch of sides. im all to familiar with the feeling of gut wrenching pain, my heart dropping to the pit in my stomach as the person i thought had my back turns and dives a sword through it. ive had my heart taken and smashed to bits but a betrayal too many times to count. whether its an ex partner or a friend, even a family member, i know the feeling all too well.

betrayal as someone i loved sided with an abuser, betrayal as someone leaves me for better or worse. i may not have absolutely felt it all but i have felt it enough.

4. jealousy.

jealous when even though we're both poly my partner gives or receives attention and affection from/to someone else, jealous when my siblings are clearly treated better than i am, jealous when people are chosen over me, jealous when people receive or give things to others and i once again get little to nothing.

i hate jealousy, it feels unfair and selfish but at the same time its justified. with all i have gone through, gotten and lacked through my life i have a right to be jealous. i get jealous and i need to admit it to myself, i get jealous and i need t let myself be.

5. cursed.

some could say i have been, maybe even that i brought it on myself. for many reasons, and they could be right. but ive been cursed in the other way, cursed out by the family i no longer what to associate myself with because they have it in their heads that im wrong and always doing wrong. cursed by those who believe i was born wrong and dont deserve to have or be right. cursed out because i dont fit in someones box so to them i deserve to be called slurs and become their verbal punching bag.

iv'e been cursed by the world to live in a body im uncomfortable with, to be a person i can only pretend to love.

6. unrequited love.

one sided love, often the reason for a lot of the relationships i ended myself romantic or otherwise. and it hurts both ways to realize that. the person i'd though i loved the same way having to get their heart broken when i realize i never did, or the person i though loved me back turning out to be a liar and a user.

i dont feel love or fall in love often, not because im too hurt and broken to want to anymore but just because thats the way i am, influenced by the damage or not. and when i do, a lot of times it turned out to be unrequited, ive given up on searching for and making new attachments, because i no longer see or feel the need to try.

7. forgotten.

being forgotten and forgetting, some of my greatest fears. i fear constantly of what i've forgotten, if maybe it was important or dangerous and remembering it could bring more pain or that i forgot something and in turn caused someone else pain. i fear that i'll be forgotten, my name and face and very being gone from all memory, no one knowing who i am, leaving me in the dust. i fear i'll forget myself, if i cant remember who i am, if others forget me, what do i do? what do i become? and im terrified that without memory i wont exist, im terrified to find out what that would be like if it were ever to happen and im terrified that the truth really is that thats going to be a good thing in the end.

ive forgotten so much already, names, faces, people, items, dates, events, very pieces of myself even. im so terrified of anymore being forgotten. by myself or anyone else.

8. terminal disease

i cant say i have one, but i can ay it often feels like it with the physical, emotional and mental anguish and debilitating pain i constantly carry with me. every movement, every word, every energy spent makes me feel just a little weaker. i'll have highs then i'll crash just a little lower ever time. it doesnt feel like it'll ever go away, ever fully heal, like i'll never recover, at least not to full. it'll keep going down, going backwards, no matter how many times or how far it climbs back up, like gravity it always goes back down. you cant take a leap without landing.

9. neglected.

ive been neglected by my parents growing up, things that should have been taught and given to be i either got very little of, never got at all and/or watched/heard others receive instead. i missed out on the support from a parent telling me it was okay to cry let alone feel, that it was okay to make mistakes, that it was okay for accidents to happen and that it was okay to ask for help, to be honest and admit and own up to things. i missed out on a parent being there when i needed it, i missed out on a parent trying genuinely to understand. instead i got nothing, i got yelled at or i got shamed.

if another adult dared give me any of that i cried or got angry and confused or scared. i missed out on proper help from adults growing up, only learning when it was to late that i had options i could have used to get further.

i grew up being sidelined and hardly even being given the bare minimum. so when im included, when im cared for, when im given even the bare minimum, i dont know what to do, i cry,i feel guilty, im convinced im less than deserving, im unfamiliar with it, i dont know how to process it.

10. ghost.

ive had my fair share of ghosts, still do, often times i was one, still am one. ghosts in the sense of haunting words and memories, ghosts in the sense of overwhelming bottled up guilt, ghosts in the sense that ive been conditioned to carry what i really dont deserve. a ghost in the sense that im invisible, a ghost in the sense that i get ignored and over looked or brushed off, a ghost in the sense that people see and have seen me as nothing more than a fleeting piece of the past.

im here, im rarely seen or heard, i have constant phrases said by others swimming in my head, constant pressure placed on my shoulder like a manipulative parent placing their hand on my and telling me whats expected of me and giving me false hope that i could ever be enough for them, false hope that they care when at the same time they push me to the back, shove me to the side and favour others over me.

ive been a ghost, haunted by the ghosts of others and their words and actions all my life.

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ghcstvalleychief · 2 years

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i may be very biased because i vp stans are insufferable but i dont see how they can go from literal torture to fucking ONCE to being in love with each other TO PLAYING HAPPY FAMILY in like 3 days???? and then i see people saying that THAT is supposed to be the superior couple in this show and i just cant take anyone seriously lmao, i could forgive the weird storyline if the acting and chemistry delivered but tbh they havent convinced me of anything not by themselves and especially not compared to mileapo

The stans are insufferable. Most of my hatred for the ship comes completely from the stans. The stans are 95% why I hate the ship, so you won't hear any disagreement from me on that front, anon. I'm extremely biased, even if it may not seem like it at times.

Since the season is done, I'm going to be very honest about where I stand on this. If you've been paying attention to some of the asks I've gotten or to the things I've said, then you've probably figured it out by now. VP have no chemistry. None. And yes, I forced myself to watch all of their scenes so I can speak on what I know and not on what I don't. From what I've seen, they have no chemistry whatsoever. I remember having a conversation with someone who ships VP ages ago (like before episode 9, I think) and I mentioned something - I said Vegas constantly ignores Pete when Porsche was around. I mentioned how given the opportunity to choose (at that time) between the two, Vegas would choose Porsche without question and that person was not too happy about that. They responded very flippantly when I said that, but is that a lie? That's the truth. Vegas would often overlook Pete whenever Porsche was around. He did that up until 1x10. That was the first issue with this ship. They should have started planting seeds of interest and fascination from Vegas to Pete long before the story kept forcing Pete to follow Vegas.

Let's not even go into how Pete never even seemed interested in Vegas at all. He knew what and who he was, but he never seemed to even like him. So for him to go from not really liking him to loving him enough to abandon the people he's bonded with and sworn fealty to all this time is bonkers. To go from all of that in under 4 episodes is even more crazy to think about. As individual characters, they had potential to be pretty interesting. As a couple, it was never going to happen because there wasn't enough time to sell it.

So, that was that. But then, the lack of chemistry between the actors was another thing altogether. Their sex scene was mainly them being on two different pages in regards to how they would play this scene out; the scene was awkward and all over the place, but at least Vegas ate Pete's ass, am I right? I was thinking that their sex scene would give me something different, but it didn't. It was the same lackluster shit that made me wonder why I wasn't seeing what everyone else was seeing. I don't mind shipping the most toxic shit in the world as long as the chemistry is there. I won't tell you that it's healthy but I will ship it to death IF the acting and chemistry is there. If it's not, then I won't. It's a matter of these people wanting to believe this was the superior couple, because canon doesn't support that. If you like it, you like it. But canon doesn't support this supposed greatness. It's not a great love story, I have to tell you.

#anonymous #answered asks #you know how I feel #I can be wholly honest about it now #I wanted to be diplomatic but that's done #we're in a post kp era now #let's just go for it #vp critical #kpts critical

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humanvoreture · 2 years

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(🔔 Anon)

UGH I HATE MY PAST SELF SO MUCH AAAAAAAA

Okay okay let me just explain, I once fell in love with this boy, and then once I started oversharing and venting and being overall pretty clingy, he started ignoring me !!

I sent him this long text asking him why and that I just wanted him to tell me why (and hopefully talk to me again) and he sent me this long text back saying he did have a crush on me and I felt so happy :)

But he then said that he felt uncomfortable with how my mood was always down (I was going thru a tough time) and so we stopped talking 😭

Here's where the mistake happened. My friends convinced me to DELETE OUR CONVERSATIONS SO NOW I CANT FIND HIS TEXTS GSHSBSHJSN

I HATE MYSELF NOW I'M EVEN MORE OBSESSED UGHHHH (I've been like this for years)

Okay okay but today something good happened at least :'(

I go to this one class with him, and after I made a loud 'yes' (I did something good for once) he mocked me on another table by saying it too !!

I know he probably barely remembers me, and he was if anything being rude, but I'm so happy he even 'interacted' with me :)

I still dream about him. I still want him.

Sorry this is long, I think I just wanted to write it down? Also what are ur thoughts on this? Ty for reading <3

Mmm idk if you’re asking for my thoughts in a sane and logical mindset or if you’re looking for a more outlandish and mentally unstable reply I’ll give you both though.

Sanely I believe your friends made the right move. He does not seem like he’d be a good s/o if he’s already so disinterested in you when you’re going through a bad patch. Of course if you warned him and explained to him that you’re going through a lot during that time and he just sees that as you being unpleasant then that is concerning and a red flag. However he’s not entirely at fault for feeling that way. He knows he’s not the right person to deal with that and made a correct decision in removing himself from your life. Also if you didn’t tell him what you’re going through he could’ve possibly just assumed you’re a very pessimistic person and didn’t want to deal with that. Again, he would not be in the wrong for setting boundaries or sticking to his ideal type. You friends sound like great people. They helped you avoid a worse heartbreak and it’s good that you deleted the messages so you wouldn’t be so attached and clingy on to every bit of hope and reminiscing causing yourself greater pain. I do think he remembers you however that does not guarantee such feelings would still be in tact.

Now off the meds… this is your chance to slowly wiggle yourself back into his life. You could slowly start talking to him again copying the way he talks learning his interests and then getting into them. You could scope out who he hangs with and who he seems to be close with then become friends with them to get closer to him. Maybe bring him up in a conversation once in a while never too frequently to the point they know what you’re doing just enough to learn how he acts around them and what he does while not around you. He liked you before you can definitely manipulate him into loving you again and if you can’t then you should change yourself so that you can get what you want. It’s all about the approach. Text him again once you guys start talking. Some people like clingy and some don’t. Some like straight forward and others like to be in control. You need to read him properly and go from there.

#hvasks #🔔anon

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bl00dybat · 3 months

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i just feel so hollow and sad most days, so alone. i cant afford my meds right now and its really fucking me up. my nightmares have been worse and my anxiety. nothing feels enough to distract, everyday passes in a blur and feels just as pointless as the next. i wish i could hangout with someone near me but there just isnt anyone. the one friend i made always cancels cause her husband doesn't like her hanging out with people. idk im just trying to find some peace of mind. im tired of struggling, all around me i see people who are successful, who grinded so much and can now experience financial stability and a job doing stuff they love. everyday i crave it and convince myself it wouldn't be worth it to die because its possible to turn around and have a better life. i cant stop stressing myself over it and feeling defeated when everyday seems like a dead end. fuck i just want to feel confident and comfortable in my art again, fuck i just want to finish all the pieces i need to so i can have a finished portfolio, go into shops and get a fucking apprenticeship already. i think about it all day everyday yet i get easily overwhelmed with my art cause im already so stressed with everything, im constantly comparing myself and never feeling like enough. when will i be enough? i feel so far from the person that is me. i dont want to hate myself, find myself disgustint and unworthy of love, i want to heal i NEED to heal so i can move forward in life it just feels so impossible right now. depression has me desperately trying to find comfort in my vices, anything to feel some form of control and peace, anything to not focus on the endless misery i feel. please please just let me be okay. i want to be happy so bad. i want to be a weight i feel comfortable at and not constantly hyper aware of how it looks every second, i dont want to think, i want to eat healthy and feel happy and energized by what i eat, not constantly having to eat fast food or unhealthy shit in general cause its cheap and we're poor. i miss having a job where i could really save money, i miss having a working car, i miss my friends who lived nearby, but have now moved all over the place, some really succeeding in life. im so happy for them and so jealous. my family looks at my life and just sees struggle, my dad literally saying "you need to move out of there soon so you can escape this miserable existence youre living". if it looks so miserable to everyone else how can i not feel miserable? im trying to be optimistic. im trying. i just want a break from everything that hurts so much. i put so much pressure on my art because getting an apprenticeship is my key out of this shit, i can only escape this situation myself and if i can get that, within a year i could be a full-time artist living my dreams, saving, and otw to my own apartment and so much more. i *have* to do this. please universe just help me be something and get somewhere, im tired of suffering im tired of my brain ruining life for me..

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gr4v3y4rd · 7 months

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I have nothing to motivate me. I dont sepnd enough time out in nature feeling whimsical. Everything in life feels so dull. I feel so much more motivated to care for myself when im able to take the time to be outside in natural environments. I have no irl friends to hang out with right now. Im trying to make friends with my bfs friends because i know that i can talk to them about shared interests like dnd and warhammer40k and one of his friends hosts a radio show for the college. So i know i dont have to try super hard to find topics to talk about. Thats the hardest part of making new friends for me is an adult... i have to find out what their interest are and if we're even compatible. And i just dont really have the energy for that right now. The only other option i have for making friends is the college club i joined for gender and sexuality. I love having a safe space to do activities with my fellow queers but i dont necessarily want to make friends with them especially since im hyperfixating on dnd and warhammer rn and i dont think many of them are into that sort of thing... i thought about maybe going and joining the DJ friend tonight while he hosts the radio show as he said im welcome to join him anytime.. it just feel weird because i just saw him yesterday for dnd and i dont want to seem too eager to hang out. I just dont know how to properly socialize as an adult and its not like im im college taking classes where i see these people everyday. The most social interaction i get is the dnd sessions we have once a week. I just feel weird wanting to hang out with my bfs friends more than he hangs out with them but its because he's busy with schoolwork and im not. Maybe i feel insecure about not having anything to do during my free time, but right now i really want to spend my free time building a good support system and gaining trust worthy friends. Ive had my trust severely broken by so called "friends" over the past few years. I dont know if im trying to convince myself that im worthy of having friends or if i just rely too heavily on the people around me. But im not even sure if thats a bad thing to want? Like so many people these days think its not okay to rely on the people around you but to me thats what makes a society? Ive felt abandoned by those around me so much that ive begun to abandon myself. I cant get myself to do anything anymore i have to have breakfast brought to me or i wont eat i have to have help getting lunch or dinner or i wont eat that either most days. I cant get myself to clean up after myself anymore because i just dont have the energy for it. Sure I'll have coffee or tea to wake me up but i have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I want things clean and organized but i cant be bothered to do it myself. And the main thing that helps me regulate that and be able to help myself is honestly being able to socialize and go outside and interact with things outside of myself. And im just not getting enough of that. I feel like a goldfish who's been left in a tank with nothing but a skull to hide in. At this point im just waiting for somwthing to trigger me into fight or flight so that i get up and do something about my situation. It hurts.

#long post #sorry for the wall of text #vent post #bit of a rant i guess #the reaper speaks #good thing is making this post is getting me to go inside so that i can actually post it lmfao #ive been sitting in the car for the past ohh i dunno 20 minutes #just alone. no one has checked on me which is kind of concerning. im trying not to worry about that part so much.#but it doesnt help with my abandonment issues #maybe i wont go inside #i mean whats the point anyway #ill just be miserable in there only difference is ill be connected to the wifi and be able to post this #or i can just keep crying in the tags #meh #fine ill go inside jeez

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blazing--stars · 8 months

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self isolation due to family volitility -> everyone thinks im the best kid, mature and independent and left alone because "i can handle myself" -> have to become independent anyways because of divorce and family attitude -> even when i asked for help directly and clearly still wouldnt get any ->

situation with dad retraumatized me: volatile living situation brought back fear from childhood, survival instincts and avoidance, doing what i can to protect myself -> now extremely exhausted and cant stand to take care of myself anymore but no other option

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being left alone to handle things and not paid attention to -> possible hpd / other personality disorder (unstable attachment) -> go out of my way to try to get attention from other people, always hang out with people, trying to meet new people but coming off wrong (concert), get highly attached to people quickly (variety of intense fast paced short lived internet friendships/almost relationships, codependency made me feel important and cared for), have unstable identity and history of unstable friendships, suggestible, embellishes stories of the self to make things seem more impressive, unstable emotions, trying to cry for help as a child through teen by telling anyone who would listen about what i had gone through, hate being alone, part of why i felt so hurt by austin because he wasnt spending time with me enough which is extremely important to me

--------

at the same time, cant figure out how much of this is real. i know that everything with my dad happened the way it did. i know everything with my mom happened the way it did. i remember bright points of childhood but most of it just feels volatile but i cant remember well. am i wrong and is dads family just seeing an insane and ungrateful person? am i dramatizing my childhood to have something to latch to and unwittingly forgetting what it was actually like? i dont think i am because sisters experience was so much worse but i cant tell

its really hard to trust myself and my thoughts and experiences when it comes to thinking about dads family. is there something i couldve done better? would it have been better to not say anything? logically their treatment of me was callous and unfair but the second i try to talk about it i get frozen out. brain is chasing itself in circles about it

theres a huge part of me where the only thing it wants to do is make everybody happy at my own expense in the hopes that it will make people like me better. i know im right to feel hurt by my family and theyre wrong for cutting me off but it tries to convince me that i should run back to them, walk everything back, and pretend its okay just to get them back because it doesnt matter as long as there are people to be with me

my head feels so fucked because obviously there is a reason for the way i am because im super not normal and i know that i had been trying to tell people about it from a young age but no one did anything and everyone acts like im insane if i bring it up and then act like im the villain so its really hard to tell what is actually real at this point

also cant figure out if im a shitty person or normal because i dont trust my perception of events anymore

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i keep having dreams about my family, have had a few in past couple weeks but most recent - mom died first, no one on dads side cared or said anything, acted like it never happened. great grandma and grandparent died, everything became crazy and hysterical and i felt confused and unemotional. dads family all corner me and start yelling at me, criticizing me and mom

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its really hard to think through this stuff because every time i try to connect pieces in my head i feel like im hitting a brick wall and physically cant think past it or draw conclusions

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ineffablyalma · 8 months

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i’m SAD sad. i’m in pain almost all the time. i’ve been getting headaches too. i have one right now. i’m also getting mixed signals from the universe telling me to keep following my intuition that simultaneously make me feel completely unhinged and crazy for even believing that. one minute i’m so confident it starts dipping into delusion and the next i’m convinced i’m never going to achieve any of my life goals. there aren’t enough hours in the day to get anything important done and i’m drowning in so much debt that i don’t think i’ll ever be able to pay off.

i have all these ideas that i never seem able to follow through with and no sensible way to actually earn money. unemployment is barely enough to cover my rent and the thought of getting any job at all while i’m struggling this much with my mental health is debilitating.

i need a low pressure way to make money that is sustainable and i know i should be selling my art but i don’t even know where to start. i have clothes and jewelry to sell but the thought of putting the effort in to get everything up online is so stressful i cant bring myself to do it.

everyone i know is going through their own shit so i feel horrible asking for help but i wish i had someone to do all this for me.

on top of all that the only person i’ve had any real feelings for in the last 6+ years is in a relationship and hasn’t returned any of my texts in months.

i feel so low and throwing myself into fandom again has been the only thing helping me emotionally.

my joints are fucked and i have cysts in both breasts that are supposedly benign but knowing that they’re there is giving me so much anxiety that i want them out. i want a breast reduction but it’s close to impossible to get my health insurance to cover it.

not to mention dealing with family shit long distance is driving me insane.

at a loss for what to do and i’m just so so so tired.

posting this to tumblr because it feels like the only place i can remain fairly anonymous without judgment or concern from people who know me. a decade of my life has passed since the last time i used tumblr like this and it’s making me feel even worse knowing i’ve just come full circle.

#mine

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