#im really tired of living like this. and id rather stay in bed. and actually feel okay there instead.
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#diary#personal#im gonna finish eating and go back to lay in my bed all day...#im just sorta. it really really hurts and i honeslty cant handle interacting with others right now.#hell. everything just hurts so much right now.#like. i tried to force myself to do something and just. i end up getting instantaneous backlash.#im really tired. and id just like to exist calmly.#so imma go back to bed after eating and using the washroom and do nothing else at all today.#i honeslty dont think i can today. like. i obviously can. but at what cost?#im beyond burnt out. still recovering from a meltdown/shutdown/breakdown/whatever. and im sore and in pain#im really tired of living like this. and id rather stay in bed. and actually feel okay there instead.#here? its just painful. i barely got out of bed to eat and now i just regret it.#i wouldve not eaten. i would've liked to have not eaten. but i barely convinced myself to get outta bed.#but then the thing i was gonna gave we were out of. and then i got stressed while making porridge#and while i barely finished everything hurts beyond all else.#i just. im used to this. its fine. but i still hate it.#i dont mind taking care of myself. really. i just wish i had enough space to do so without being set back again and again#im so fucking tired. and i dont think anyone ever really understands what that means?#not to me at least. they seem to think itll be fine#but its not. its really not. i have to keep supressing the urge to just quit my job and actually just be okay.#but i have to press on. i have to work. i dont know why. but its not like i have much of a choice?#i dont know why im bothering. i dont know.#im really tired. and theres no break that could ever realy fix this. im sorta just fucked arent i?#haaah. what i wouldnt give to live differently. what i wouldnt give to just live elsewhere.
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Home - Part 14
"Look all I'm saying is that people have been in and out of here all day. Maybe he just got in with one of the other guests" Bucky said i pulled out my bags and started throwing my clothes inside.
"Im not willing to take that chance Bucky!" I snapped "as long as I'm here I'm putting you and the girls in danger! You dont know what his capable of!"
"You think I'm gonna let him close enough to hurt you and the girls??"
"He already got close enough! he took photo's of me in the shower!!! Christ he could've done more if he wanted to but his playing with us! Its all a game to him"
"One his not gonna win"
"His already winning dont you see that?" I cried covering my face with my hands.
"Baby i cant loose you!" Bucky said clearly panicking as he pulled me into his arms "dont let him win I'm begging you, you belong here with us"
"Your not gonna loose me Bucky" i mumbled into his chest as i wrapped my arms around him "I just think it'd be better if i go back to my place. Until Jack is caught, its safer for the girls if I'm not here"
"No!" He snapped leaning back to look at me.
"No?"
"Im not letting you go back there alone thats crazy! we'll be fine here....the girls will be fine. I'll check the house with Steve and Sam make sure his not here still.... i'll change the alarm codes.... the safest place for you and the girls is here with me"
"But...."
"No buts, your mine, he can't have you" he said pressing his lips to mine "I'll even get Steve to stay while we sort this out".
"Bucky if anything were to happen to those girls id never forgive myself"
"They will be fine babe"
"You really believe that?"
"I do. Id never put them at risk"
"Okay...."
Sleep was hard to come by that night, once i knew Bucky was asleep i carefully slipped out of bed and grabbed his sweater off the back of the chair before heading downstairs. I made a cup of coffee and went to sit on the sofa, my face turned towards my shoulder so i could inhale Bucky's calming scent off his sweater. My phone that was on the table next to my steaming mug of coffee started to vibrate.
"Unknown Number Calling" flashed on the front, i knew it was Jack.... who else would be calling me at 3am? I reached for the phone and hit the green button connecting the call.
"What?" I mumbled trying to keep the nerves i was feeling in check.
"Hey baby" he replied sounding smug as fuck, if i could guess id say he was smiling "you look tired.... you not sleeping properly?"
"What do you want Jack?" I sighed shaking my head, there was no way he could see me... all the curtains were closed so i knew he couldn't be lurking outside watching me.
"I told you already. I. Want. You."
"Too bad. You can't have me"
"Oh sweetheart you know thats not true"
"Jack your fucking delusional! There is no version of this that ends with us back together! Go find someone else, your good at that! In fact why dont you give Lucy a call? I'm sure she'd welcome your attention" i said referring to my ex best friend that he had cheated with.
"I told you i made a mistake with her. I was stupid i know that now.... but if you just give me another chance you'll see we're meant to be together"
"No! Jack i dont want anything to do with you!! if i never saw you again...that would be too soon!! please just leave me alone!"
"Never" he growled down the phone "if i can't have you no one can" he added before the line disconnected. Once i knew the call had ended i broke down, finally letting the tears fall.
"Y/N?..... sweetheart you okay?"
I looked up to see Steve standing in the doorway in black sweat pants, his hair a mess. As soon as he realised i was crying his rushed to my side gathering me in his arms and holding me tight.
"Whats wrong?"
"Jack.... hh...he just called me" i said holding onto Steve like my life depended on it.
"He what?! what did he say?"
"The same old shit his been saying, that he wants me back.....it was, it was what he said before he hung up" i looked up at Steve and took a deep breath "he said if he cant have me no one can. Steve, what if he goes after Bucky??"
"Bucky can handle himself darlin'..... im more concerned that he'll try and hurt you. If he knows you won't go back to him....."
"Oh my god......" i started to panic as i thought about Jack coming after me and that he might actually kill me...."that way no one gets me" i whispered.
"Hey, we wont let anything happen to you okay?"
"Im so tired Steve" i cried burying my face against his bare chest.
"Try and get some sleep sweetheart"
"I cant, what if his watching....."
"We checked the house, his not here"
"I know that but i can't switch off! I need to be awake incase.... i need to make sure the girls are safe"
"The girls are safe.... YOU are safe i promise" he said kissing the top of my head as his hand stroked up and down my back soothingly.
"Doll?" I heard Bucky's sleep ridden voice say as he walked into the living room "Steve?.... whats going on?"
"I came down for some water found her crying on the sofa, Jack called her" Steve told Bucky as he closed the gap between us, Steve instantly passing me into Bucky's arms.
"Take her back to bed Buck she needs to sleep"
"I cant....." i started to say with wide eyes.
"You can, i'll stay awake"
"You promise?"
"Cross my heart. Now go get some sleep"
"His right, come on" Bucky took my hand and started to lead the way back upstairs "we'll talk in the morning?" He turned to his friend with a concerned look on his face.
"Sure" Steve nodded at his best friend.
"Thank you Steve" i called over my shoulder, he was already switching on the TV to find something to watch while he kept watch for the night.
"No trouble at all sweetheart, goodnight"
"Goodnight" i smiled back.
I was laying in bed tangled in Bucky, his arms wrapped around me and our legs tangled together, my fingers gently stroking up and down his arm as my eyes wandered around the room, all sorts of things running through my mind. I felt his arms tighten around me and his face snuggle against my neck as he started to wake up.
"Morning beautiful" he said quietly pressing kisses behind my ear.
"Morning"
"Did you get any sleep?"
"Some" i nodded and shrugged a shoulder before turning to look at him. Bucky was so beautiful, i could look at him forever and never get tired of the sight. "I love you" i said trailing my fingers over his beard, a smile spread across his face instantly.
"I love you more"
"Sure you do" i rolled my eyes before giggling as he started to tickle my sides.
After finally dragging ourselves out of bed we went down for breakfast, Steve was already sat down with the girls, Rosie sitting in his lap.
"Morning" he looked up smiling as we walked in.
"Hey pal"
"Morning Stevie" i smiled before walking over to the coffee pot.
"You feeling better? Get some sleep?"
"Mmhmmm" i nodded before taking a seat next to Brooke.
"Really?"
"She got a couple of hours" Bucky added sitting across from me next to Allie.
"Good, Becca called earlier by the way, wanted to take the girls out for the day. She said you were okay with it, she asked at the party?"
"Oh yeah she did"
"I told her i'd drop them off on my way home, i need to go grab a change of clothes"
"That'd be great actually"
"Thats settled then. I was thinking, you should call Sam and report Jacks call last night.... they should have record of it"
"Yeah i thought so to" Bucky nodded taking a mouthful of his coffee.
Steve and the girls had left half hour ago and the house was eerily quiet without them around. Bucky had called Sam and told him all about the phone call i had received from Jack, Sam was going to look into it ASAP.
We had settled on the sofa to watch a movie and make the most of some alone time with no interruptions from the girls. It quickly led to a heated make out session and some good old fucking on the sofa.
"Your sofa is better for this by the way" Bucky chuckled as his naked ass squeaked on the leather making me cackle loudly.
"My sofa is definitely better for this" i agreed "We should probably get dressed before Steve comes back, i dont think he'd appreciate walking in to our naked asses on the sofa" i laughed against Bucky's chest.
"Yeah i guess so".
We reluctantly started to gather our clothes and get dressed, a cell phone ringing got our attention. We both started lifting various items of clothing looking for the phone.
"Its yours" i said handing Bucky his phone before pulling my sweater over my head.
"Barnes" he answered in his 'work voice' "your fucking kidding me..... no! Chloe that should have been done last week and filed already!" He moaned running a hand through his hair "he wont accept it until i sign it? Fuck sake!"
"Bucky if you need to go in i'll be okay" i said quietly so Chloe wouldn't hear me.
"I'll be there in 20 minutes" he snapped before hanging up the phone "I cant believe that girl sometimes! i told her to file this case a week ago! Now they need my signature...."
"Its fine Buck, Steve will be back soon anyway i wont be alone for long. I'll lock the door once you leave and set the alarm"
"You sure? You could come with me...."
"Id rather just stay here, i'll go have a bath and maybe try and get some more sleep now you've worn me out" i chuckled.
"Oh but now i wanna stay and join you!" He moaned leaning in to kiss me.
"I'll wait for you to get back for the bath then"
"I'll be quick!" he laughed jumping up getting his keys and heading out. I couldn't help but laugh at what a dork he could be at times. I watched him drive away waving through his open window then locked the door behind him once he was gone and set the alarm before heading back into the living room, i straightened up the sofa and made sure it was clean and tidying before making my way into the kitchen.
I was wiping the table over clearing up bits of cereal that the girls had spilt when my phone started ringing. I thought about ignoring it at first, i wasn't in the mood for another call from Jack! But then i thought it might be Bucky or Steve checking in so went back to the living room to get my phone.
I was a little surprised to see it was Sam calling me.
"Hey Sam, you looking for Buck cause his just had to go into work real quick"
"No, no I'm not looking for Buck, wait are you at home on your own right now?"
"Yeah, he'll be back within the hour, im fine the doors are locked and the alarm is set"
"Y/N i need you to stay calm and listen to me...... i need you to leave, just get out of that house" he said sounding panicked.
"What?.... why?" I felt my heart start to race.
"I traced that call, it came from within the house!!"
Home taglist: @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @lumar014
@bbmommy0902 @past-perfect-future-tense
@heathens-takeitsl0w @captainchrisstan
@ladymelissastark @93generation
@sebastianstansqueen @oceansxpurple
@Imjstaghoststory @rainbowkisses31
@superavengerpotterstar @cap-just-said-language
@booktease21 @ms-betsy-fangirl @wildest-dream-
@michelehansel @thummbelina @abbylizy
@sweetlittlegingy @lorabem @barnesandrogersworld @dumblani
@broco8 @xxloki81xx @keithseabrook27
@jesseswartzwelder
#sebastian stan#bucky barnes x reader#bucky imagine#home#bucky barnes fanfiction#chris evans#steve rogers#sam wilson#reader insert
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discord II text Roman & Aaron
Discord thread featuring: Aaron and @romanbeckett
Mentions: @wtf-eden @davieslandon @jayceelynd
Where: Aaron in Paris (with Eden) and Roman is in NYC
When: June 12th in New York, June 13th in Paris
Description: After Landon texts Aaron that Roman is upset upon seeing Eden’s IG post, Aaron reaches out to Roman to check on him
Trigger Warnings: pain, brief sexting
Aaron.
are you okay
Roman.
why?
Aaron.
I just...
am making sure
Roman.
I'm ok
Aaron.
I don’t believe you
Roman.
lol it doesn't matter
Aaron.
it does to me
Roman.
I'm just trying to let you go like you told me I needed to.
Aaron.
I can’t do anything right
im trying not to hurt you
but I’m also trying not to hurt Landon Jaycee and Eden at the same time
Roman.
I understand
I’m not mad
you don’t have to worry about me
Aaron.
I think about you all the time
so I can’t not worry
Roman.
I think about you too.
all the time.
Aaron.
what are we doing
Roman.
if you find out, let me know.
Aaron.
what do you want from this
like for us
Roman.
does it matter?
Eden’s post made it seem like you all were having the time of your lives
I don’t want to ruin that.
Aaron.
im not
it does matter
Ro id drop everything for you
Roman.
You would?
Aaron.
yes
Roman.
Aaron, are you sure? I need you to promise me that you’re sure.
Aaron.
I love you
Roman.
I love you, too. I’m taking Jaycee to Naples for a breather. I’m going to have a talk with her.
which I was gonna do regardless.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I’m starting to realize that I don’t know who I am anymore without you.
Aaron.
Roman
fuck I love you
Roman.
I was trying so hard to be okay with you and eden I swear lol but when she posted that picture from Paris I LOST IT
I’m dramatic as shit lol
Aaron.
lol yes you are and that’s one of the many things I love about you.
im sorry it upset you
Roman.
it’s okay, I’m just a jealous bitch lol
Aaron.
lol
is it bad I’m kinda happy you get jealous when it comes to me?
Roman.
No, I’m not surprised. You’re an asshole
Aaron.
an asshole that you’re in love with
Roman.
You’re correct.
I miss your chin dimple
Aaron.
I miss your dimples too
and your fckn hair
Roman.
Aaron.
there they are
Roman.
FUCK
Marry me right fucking now lol
Aaron.
*side eye emoji*
Roman.
you’re so bloody FIT
Aaron.
”bloody fit”
I love being complimented in British
Roman.
*annoyed emoji*
Aaron.
its a good thing!
Roman.
Give me more pictures dammit lol
OH did you see the new rocketman photos?
Aaron.
show me!!!
Roman.
FUCK GOD DAMMIT SHIT DAMN HELL!!!
Jesus CHRIST on a fucking CRACKER
AaronBOTYesterday at 8:43 PM
current Paris status
Roman.
AARON
Aaron.
*pleading face emoji*
Roman.
I’m so pissed that I’m not there lol
taking off that robe
Aaron.
im sorry
ooo
me too
Roman.
You’re so damn hot.
feathers galore
Aaron.
omg
YOU’RE so damn hot
I can’t wait to see you preform
Roman.
I’m nervous, but really fucking excited.
Aaron.
you’re gonna be so amazing
Roman.
I hope so. I’ve busted my arse lol!
Aaron.
yeah and I love that arse of yours
Roman.
what if...it was all yours?
Aaron.
do you think that’s possible?
Roman.
anything is possible.
Aaron.
#corny
Roman.
Aaron.
taking it back to my childhood
Roman.
THOUGH HOPE IS FRAIL, IT’S HARD TO KILLLLLLLL
WHO KNOWS WHAT MIRACLES YOU CAN ACHIEVE, WHEN YOU BELIIIIIEVE, SOMEHOW YOU WILLLLLLL - YOU WILL WHEN YOUUU BELIEEEEVE
Aaron.
ahahaha
its a bop
Roman.
have I convinced you yet?
Aaron.
you may have to send more memes
Roman.
I’ll let you get some sleep
Aaron.
its really late here
but I stayed up to talk to you
Roman.
:(
Aaron.
but I SHOULD sleep
I’d just rather talk to you
Roman.
I’d rather talk to you than do a lot of things.
Aaron.
same
Roman.
I miss kissing you
feels like it’s been so damn long
Aaron.
Its been ages
well like a week
but it’s felt like ages
Roman.
it’s been more than that
maybe like...two
Aaron.
lets be honest I want to kiss you like 24/7
damn that night was two weeks ago now?
Roman.
Yep
Aaron.
I think about it all the time
I wish I made some different decisions that might
Roman.
What would you have done
Aaron.
well I wouldn’t have solidified things with Eden
wouldn’t have fought with Harry
but I would’ve still told you I loved you
that I wouldn’t change
Roman.
you asked me before what I wanted from this. What do YOU want?
Aaron.
I’ve wanted to be with you since I spilled coffee on your shoes but I just realized that at the pride party. Ali suggested I be alone for a little bit which might be something I need but I want to be your fucking boyfriend Ro
Roman.
Oh babe...
Aaron.
and wake up next to you every damn day
I know...it probs won’t happen I’m sorry
Roman.
I want that, too.
Aaron.
and I know don’t like monogamy
ooo???
really??
Roman.
it’s not that I don’t like monogamy. I just...after Landon, I was scared to get hurt again. And I guess I’ve been fooling myself into thinking I couldn’t be with just one person again, and risk getting hurt like that.
Aaron.
I get that
I can’t promise I won’t hurt you....I never want to hurt you but I’ve been breaking a lot of promises lately
Roman.
neither one of us can make those promises. But choosing to be together means you’re willing to take those risks.
Aaron.
landon would also kill me if I hurt you which is another reason I don’t want to do that lol
Roman.
if I were him, I’d want you to hurt me lol
fell in love with his best friend.
Aaron.
I know
im afraid my friendship with him will never be the same
Roman.
I don’t want to come between that
Aaron.
I know but I want to be with you so bad...part of me doesn’t care anymore. I know that’s an awful thing to say....And I know he will eventually be okay with it...eventually
Roman.
I feel the same way.
Aaron.
really?
Roman.
yes. Really. I’m fucking miserable without you, and I don’t care if we have to keep it under wraps for awhile until the smoke clears, it’s worth it. I want you. I don’t like thinking about you being with anyone else.
Aaron.
shit
me too
like I said I’d do anything for you
Roman.
we can say we just want to be a single for a bit
but
I just want to be with you
Aaron.
me too
Roman.
:)
Aaron.
I wasn’t expecting this
but I’m happy
Roman.
I was t expecting this either lol
wasn’t**
Aaron.
I need to sleep but I can’t
Roman.
I wish you were holding me.
Aaron.
I wanna kiss you so bad
Roman.
just kiss hm??
Aaron.
oh okay I see where this is going
I wish your wholeee dick was in my mouth
better?
Roman.
damn. Yeah, actually
Aaron.
hehe you’re welcome
im still so tired
I haven’t slept and the birds are chirping
Roman.
shit. go to bed babe
Aaron.
okay babe
I love you
Roman.
I love you.
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Im fucking tired of having problems.
I went to my grandfather to talk to him, thought i would tell him about my trip and about the things i think im gonna do.
He said a lot of stupid shit which i have corrected several times before.
He told me that im wrong because i think differently.
He called me a liar.
He's told me that i have to work or that i wont live here anymore, as well as telling me that im crazy several times in the past.
Whenever i corrected him he used to tell me that kids my age dont do that and that there was something wrong with me, that i needed to be seen by a psychologist/psychiatrist, or that i should be sent to a mad house.
Before that he gave me some money.
I told him to screw his money and threw it away, he told me not to do that or i'd become poor, i grabbed it and rubbed it on his bed and the clothes that were on his bed, he always says that money is dirty, i was trying to say fuck you im sick of your shit.
I am forced to travel.
I gave up, i just wanted to stay calm, yet he wont let me live without working and will call me crazy just because i thought about not working.
Then he calls me a liar.
Nobody loves me.
Nobody really cares about me.
You two abandoned me.
Everyone did.
I cant count on my family, they're a bunch of assholes.
I just wanted to have a friendly chat, but it is impossible to have one with him without great compromise.
He told me that my medication is all "mental" and that i can leave it whenever i want.
He hasnt felt the withdrawal.
I cannot stay here, and i cannot legally be there.
I have no friends here, they all left me.
One way or another, they all abandoned me.
I havent heard word of those who were supposed to help me.
Guess im also alone on that end.
He tried to hit me with his remote, and when i was a kid he used to yell at me, hit me lightly or threaten me with stuff like kicking me out of the house.
He once stopped the car and tried to pull me out of it telling me that it was enough and that i wouldnt return home.
All i did was complain about school...
My grandparents would usually pull me out of the house while telling me that id be sent to live with my satanic father, and they would also tell me that the neighbors would help.
Fucking liar cant even see properly now yet he claims to be in perfect condition.
What's the point of being alive?
Sometimes i just wish my family would stop treating me like shit.
Like im some sort of animal.
My mother ignores me.
My uncle does nothing yet nobody complains about that plus he trashtalks me with his friends, once one of them told me that he had heard that i was evil but that he didnt actually believed it until we talked.
I told him that i plan to live off of my grandparents house he asked me if my plan included their deaths and i replied by saying that they were old and that we all have to die at some point.
My grandmother ignores me or mocks me.
My grandfather trashtalks everyone as much as he can, interrupts any conversation i could be having with useless information, lies and then screams when people try to confront him.
Im sorry but how can i be a normal human being if ive been raised surrounded by fucking morons.
I dont do drugs so i must be crazy.
I dont do prostitutes so i must be crazy.
Im not racist so i must be crazy.
I spend money on games so i must be crazy.
I would rather have free time than 300 € so i must be crazy.
I know a fact that he doesnt so i must be either crazy or smart enough to teach at a university.
I dont go to parties so i must be crazy.
I dont swear while i talk so i must be crazy.
According to one of my so called friends, im 20 and dont have a gf so there must be something wrong with me.
Am i the one in the wrong?
I am tired.
I wish someone would save me.
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i watched all 20 episodes of "spy kids: mission critical" twice in about a week and here are my thoughts (pt 1/5)
these will be divided into 4 episodes per post so they stay about the same length as one spy kids movie
1.1
no theme song. :/
wow specific location
wow. we love lying to our spouses
greg actually kind of sounds like greg??? like ingrids not right in the slightest but greg sounds like greg
oh yeah i call him greg instead of gregorio bc thats Too Many Syllables
i dunno id rather go on an adventure
oh!!!!! ingrids hair!!!!! cute
they look like friggin iron knuckles from cadence of hyrule
how do you..... classify a move
also why would they teach agents to counter a move that they also taught the agents
dont you mean SWAT
is that tom kenny?????
thats not carmen. i dont care WHAT you say. thats not carmen
shes 14???
since when can he build???
since when do they LIVE at the oss?????
thats a ball. not a blob
oh mood
juni your voice is so squeaky
Every Villain Is Lemons
is this a separate universe????? we already know about the third brain program. and you cant claim that people havent seen the movies cuz theyre ALSO on netflix
the experiment wasnt FUTILE it actually went really well. yall are just cowards
you can destroy gold???? like its not DIAMOND
ew
did golden brain go through childhood??? or did he just.... spawn as an adult????
alliteration
take a wild guess carmen
why are you wearing jeans in the DESERT????
"sis"??? who says that
oh boy fart jokes already
little brothers, cuz youre younger, were related, and youre boys
did you mutate the agents too?????
oh i feel you juni
oh boy butt jokes
carmen youre 14. where im from you COULD have a job at certain places
is he... gonna kill them?????
oh!!!! the mimicking is back!!!
theres no way you had taco butte in the last 5 minutes
teenagers?????? the franchise is spy KIDS get it right
there SHOULD be, yall are licensed spy kids
roll credits
juni stop trying to be a lone wolf it never works youve seen all 4 spy kids
i want to be her
are you.... knighted?????? or are you just british
hes like 11 what do you expect from him
ahavschaj acemate
carmens FACE she looks HIGH
finger guns???? hes bi
THUMB THUMB!!!!!!!
TOM thumb thumb!!!!!!
F L O O P!!!!!!!!!
nvm i want to be HER
im sorry how the H*CK did you just say fegan???????????
piercings!!!!!
and i OOP-
aztec???? bc the aztec death spiral??? nice
maybe im a little biased bc floop but shes my favorite
why are the parents here
who calls it a cuddle bear?????? its a teddy bear what are yall on
oh i love carmens socks
i gotta say im living for goldies aesthetic
haha coward
to be fair hes from the outback, they have friggin emus. those things are creepy
:0 sneaky
nice timing
1.2
wow ig there really is no theme song :(
how can he sleep with a TEACUP
i think at some point youd just... fall asleep????
wow big flex
and i OOP-
scorpions so mean i love her
for like 3 seconds that animation looked like a friggin barbie movie
i thought thumb thumbs couldnt hold things???? like thats their whole point
did she hang up on them?????
when your mom said she wouldnt get mad if you tell the truth so you tell the truth and she still gets mad
K A N Y E?????????
oh no they all have died
drowning a chainsaw????????
PLENTY OF PEOPLE
my parents whenever im tired
did you not hear her name shes clearly immortal
me
stop yelling
at that point he shoudknt have even been able to drink the milk
why are the spotlights on carmen
*2 hours later*
dont put the phone on the desk????? have you not have a teacher give you detention for that????? i have
i think its pretty obvious what he was dreaming about
in the subtitles the u has the dots but hes not pronouncing it right. it should be more "keurp-ka-kay", not just "coop-ka-kay"
everyone has weird dreams????? step off ace
class lasted for 5 minutes wtf
do the three of them share a phone???? thats what it says in her contacts
ok visage thats a little too far
i hate this dude so much
visage shes allowed to be on her phone shes not in class
psi???? like earthbound????
😔
theyre not wrong
STOP YELLING
thats?? not possible?????? youre just weak
why are you saying that out loud
dude stop im dying of second hand embarrassment
wait the sign with the transcribed words doesnt have the ü. so how he pronounced it WAS right they just messed up the subtitles
i thought there was only ONE of its kind why do they EACH have one?????
why did so many people lose????? it seems pretty straightforward
also i love her ringtone
is that tom kenny again??????
thats.... not how it works
he should not have made that
so the big reveal is that it was his mom, but how does he know shes a cortez now?????? she was avellan at that point
take a wild guess
spurious??????? why are you using his first name
i dont???? think you can????????
1.3
the beats pretty good, im tapping my feet
i love his voice
thats not disco thats TECHNO
actually discos probably right. hes german and in germany clubs are called diskos. the music hes playing is pretty clubby, therefore it would be disco
she has spotify premium???? nice
ooooh scorpion has bed curtains!!!!
why do both cortezes have the floor bed???
how can juni hear aces music???? did his headphones get unplugged????? is it just super loud?????
sounds more like kids music than folk music
HOLY CRAP HES LISTENING TO THE WIGGLES (no offense to the wiggles)
yes hes a heavy sleeper we discussed this last time
he has a bazooka you might wanna run
"carmen is not here" me too carmen, me too
glitch chill
oh yay piss jokes
how does so much stuff come out on the floss
she was asleep???????? take it easy glitch
creative name
also the music sounds like it came right out of cadence of hyrule??????? which could be possible bc the girl who voices glitch also voiced link
glitch its clearly a virus
carmen you can go, psi can handle this
hes so protective of his records im dying
BAHAHA she said "worm?" and ofc my dumb ass thought she meant worm as in "oh worm?"
1.4
i had a whole bunch but tumbr decided to delete it and i dont wanna rewrite it so we missed the last 4 minutes of 1.3 and the first 8 of 1.4, sorryyy
it doesnt matter anyway no ones gonna read this
this whole point system was in the fourth movie, get some new plot points
is that really a good idea carmen???
throwback to when i was a kid and wanted to learn australian
oh no they died
JUNI NO YOU SAID IN THE THIRD MOVIE TO N E V E R SPLIT UP
sheilas a great name shut up
listen i see mirages all the time in the summer but how do you see a fake building???? its always a puddle of water
yeah the outback STEAKHOUSE
you sound like youre on crack
oh no he died
one time i ate a bug bc i thought it was some leftover dorito i had stuck in my teeth
hes pretty good at shelters, did you not see the second spy kids???
hey he calles him juni!!!
s n e a k y
what even is heat rash?????
STOP YELLING
nice STEALTH you tell him he has nice STEALTH
#spy kids#spy kids mission critical#mission critical#spy kids spoilers#spoilers#juni cortez#carmen cortez#fegan floop
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the death of a bottle of cheap, pink wine every friday because tomorrow’s finally saturday, so nobody cares and i can just lay in bed and wallow in self-hate. and the odd dancing until i cant feel anything but music, even though ive always hated dancing. still do.
the piano recordings of my favourite band’s songs because i need time to think, i need space for my own thoughts and lyrics are distracting but i cant stand the silence, i need background noise every second of my life because even when there’s time for some thinking i can’t live with just myself. and always somehow accompanied by the bitter desire to play the piano, the thing that i never got the chance to learn even though its my favourite sound in the universe.
the endless list of things to watch, read, listen to, find out more about, learn. the list i never actually wirte up, just keep bookmarked in the browser or sadly shoved in the corner of my mind. things that im excited and curious about, things i know i want to do. but never actually get around to them because im never in the right mood, am too tired, it would require too much attention and energy that i dont have. id rather watch the thing ive watched four times already. forget about the fact that my memory is shit and im basically incapable of memorizing new things currently and with a sense of accomplished, assured success.
the frustration of my own indecisiveness, no ability whatsoever to make a decision. or making a decision - seeing it didn’t turn out bad, im having a good time actually. but id still rather be home, alone, in front of my laptop and just not with you. or anyone else, its not personal, baby, i just hate everyone. or maybe i hate myself so much that i cant imagine anyone ever possibly wanting to spend time with me, so i always feel like an uncomfortable burden and i dont want to subject anyone to that.
the line i just read on a blog i havent visited for months ‘fight or flight, but nobody ever talks about just freeze‘ and the realization that for me it’s barely ever fight or flight, it’s either flight or freeze. and in most cases i freeze. freeze instead of making a dream come true, freeze instead of eating, freeze instead of watering my plants, freeze freeze freeze. i could still technically simply do those things, but i choose not to. i leave myself hanging in the lack of decision, waiting - never knowing for what.
not saving any money, spending what i have on useless things that maybe very temporarily make me faux-happy because whats the point in saving, really? its not like i have that much of a future to make it count.
the unhealthy realtionship with death that is the most resonating remainder of years of depression. the im not actively suicidal anymore, dont worry thats not entirely true because yes, i dont take two steps closer to the railways every time i see a train coming. yes, this is probably the happiest ive ever been in my life. yes, i am excited for many things that are going to happen sometime soonish. but im also desperate for an end, im desperate to know how long ill have to keep all of this up.
the repetitive is it worth it, constantly in my head, the ugly awareness that there are so little things that make me happy for long enough. waiting for the best day of my life? what if it’s already happened? what if what i got so far was the peak, what if.
the almost ten hours every day - going to work. a good job, an easy one, fitted to my abilities and limitations. somewhat challenging but managable for someone like me. but what about those almost ten hours of i dont want to be here. what about the 8-8-8 system thats supposedly eight hours of work, eight hours of social life and eight hours of sleep? thats all bullshit. eight hours of work actually mean i have to get up at 6, spend an hour on getting ready for work and then commuting for almost another hour. and after work i still have to go back home, i cant just teleport and be free. social life requires too much - energy, awareness, emotions - so i stay home, get online and drown in things that arent real in the context of my eistence. yes, theyre very real as lifes separate to mine, but the correlation is broken here. they affect my entire being, but i have no bearing on anything outside my screen. i cut on sleep to stay in the cyber-reality, countless words seeping through my tired brain, sounds, notes and screams filling my head.
the imperative to call my father because if i dont he will get pissy again and nobody wants that. i suffer every time i even think about him, talking to him is excrutiating because every word coming out of his mouth is a lie, a skewed piece of reality that is all in his brain. gaslighting, abuse and drunken guilt-tripping all veiled under a murmured i will always love you and your sister no matter what. fuck you.
him. being nice to me for some reason, maybe genuinely liking me, probably just needing me for that one thing and then ready to throw me away. i can see how different we are, how much our lives dont meet in almost any aspect of what matters. and thats okay, its alright to have different opinions and interests and personalities - its what makes us human and interesting. but how do i tell you i can never see myself with you? how do i tell you i already know we dont fit? youll laugh it off, youll call me out on my pessimism, youll say you cant know unless you try. but baby, i have already tried. not with you, with other people. and it always ends the same way. alone. how do i tell you i still want you to kiss me, regardless of all that.
#personal#like very personal#sasha rambles#god i dont know what this is but its been floating around my head for so long#all those insane thoughts that need to be somehow voiced or ill go crazy#i dont know what to do with this#probably delete later#or keep editing it#keep adding things because there is so much more#some of it real some not#just keep talking
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ik you said you're fine and im rly glad the situation didn't get (super?) bad but also are you actually okay? bc that sounds yikes & ik i personally probably wouldn't be okay going off of those few details so like! are you sure you're all right?
i promise you im okay but thank you so much for checking on me. i realise i gave incredibly few details and what i did write probably sounds quite alarming so just to give a bit more background i’ll put this behind a cut bc i know not everyone will want to read it:
i went to visit family in the states and last week the woman we went to visit introduced me to someone who i initially got on with well, had a lot in common with, and who was very nice to me (giving me gifts, stuff like that). the plan was originally to just see them that once and then again on wednesday morning for breakfast but the way it ended up is that i stayed at this woman’s house on the tuesday night too (bc id felt awkward saying no after she’d been nice to me which, NEVER AGAIN) it was all fine at first but i learnt very quickly that she didnt like it when i disagreed with her, she was very forthright but not in a good way, and she was very touchy physically and manipulative emotionally.
we got into an argument bc i was trying to stand up for myself and she started making me feel incredibly uncomfortable by not listening to what i was saying, demanding i explain what i was saying over and over again even though there was no plainer way to say it then what id been saying, and asking me very personal questions on the basis that “we’re friends, right?” though we’d only known each other a few days. at one point she got up and turned the lights off claiming i looked sinister and we were sat there in the dark with only a far away light to see by and at this point i was crying bc i felt very cornered and when she noticed i was crying she wouldnt stop touched me and calling me honey and trying to find out whatever secret reason must have been behind my being upset (rather than accepting it was bc she wouldnt leave me alone despite me asking to stop the conversation several times and hinting i wanted to go to bed).
at one point she went and got me some water but then after handing it to me put her fingers into it and took out the ice (which, ew), which she started rubbing on my neck saying that this was how she calmed down when upset. i have never felt so tense in my entire life. i was frozen (ironically enough) and when she sat there talking at me, sitting way closer than i was comfortable with, i wasnt responding to her bc i literally couldnt speak and when she noticed i wasnt responding she said “yes mam” in this really awful tone and didnt let up until i said “yes mam” back at her. she then went and got a blanket and tried to get us both under it to which i was like “uhh no thanks”
now like, i dont know if this sounds as bad to you guys as it felt to me, but you have to understand i was in a strange country, a strange house with a woman id heard some very negative things about (another reason im like why tf did i agree to stay), it was almost midnight at this point and i had no way to really contact anyone to get quick help, the doors were locked and i didnt know where the key was, and i knew for a fact there was at least one gun in the house, but i have a feeling it was more.
anyway. it got to the point where she started saying the same stuff as before i started crying and getting really mad and agitated at me when i couldnt explain why i was offended (even tho i kept telling her i wasnt offended or angry, just tired) and then she stood up, pointed at the room i was going to be staying in and literally said “get to bed” really angrily. and believe me until this point id been trying to defuse the situation but at that i told her never to speak to me like that again, and very hurriedly left the room. she followed me into the bedroom to apologise for telling me to go to bed, and then she started hugging me again and it wasnt until i was like “i think you should go to bed you’ll feel better in the morning” that she turned around and left.
also, to add to the tension, the room i was staying it led out to the living room and kitchen and was made almost entirely of windows. so like i was super paranoid someone was watching me through them which was not fun.
the next morning she pretended nothing had happened. so. that was that.
#i left out some details bc otherwise it'd be an even bigger essay than it is#but this is the gist of it#i cant decide if im overreacting or not#all i know is how i felt#which was incredibly creeped out#tense and scared#personal#dont reblog this#Anonymous
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I would like to see answers for all. :3
For you? Always.flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? “Please dont throw your looooove away–please dont throw your loooooove away”
fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? If she would ever chose to be with me.
daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? I dont have one. I dont even know what that is.
1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?My best friend and I talking about our fears in meeting each other finally. They turned out to be the same for her and after all this time i was surprised she still felt the same way. It may not happen but it felt good that she still considered the idea.(that context though)
matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Yes.
black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? Make a popular selling video game. Turn said videogame into an on-going multi seasoned series/anime. Own an Owl.
pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. She calls herself a panda,she loves books and chocolate. Dawson’s creek and gilmore girls are her go to shows. She can get tunnel vision when she gets angry. She hates her middle name with a passion. Shes a pyromaniac. Opal is one of her all time favorite stones. She cant dance. Can hold her liquor for a while. She has been an author, violinist, jeweler, carpenter, mechanic, pharmacy tech, and now a dispatcher. She’s tired.
moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? I sorta didnt.
stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? Thanksgiving
plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.My best friend, ironically she lives in an area where the sky could be seen without the city lights interfering. I mean…its stargazing, you’d want someone you love to be with you to watch them right? we’d look at the stars and talk about them and their meanings..or rather what we thought would be their meanings with me mostly making terrible jokes.
converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?Yes
lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? Um. *waits* its 3a.m. now so ..you. You are a kind friend to me. I am grateful.
handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? Thats easy, i say it to myself daily when i think about this question. To my best friend: I love you for until always.
cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? Underrated and beautiful. FUCK.
sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. “That doesnt go there” -story of my life.
oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? HA.. “That doesnt go there”
overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? Thats a long one, first id go see my best friend..give her family money, pay mine and my mother’s bills, buy a place for my mom and sis, then buy a place for me, get a transplant for my kidney and pancreas, buy some waffles, pay for my sister’s college.
combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? I am not.
winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self Save your money. Find her.Go to the doctor as much as possible. find her. listen and remember what grandaddy is teaching you. show him that you arent a waste of his knowledge. find her. say yes when the time comes. dont let friendship ruin your chance to finish. find her dammit. fucking find her. keep up with all of your games, dont trust anyone where you leave them. tell uncle joe you love him. tell tiffany that you like her too. but find her. watch the tribe more and find her. dont let them get to you. you arent trying to be white. you are being yourself because thats how you were raised. find her please.
.pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? Pastel probably.
tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain i love tattoos and would lke to get some of my own but i dont heal well anymore. i think they express a lot about yourself and what you love.
.piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? Nah…i mean..should i??? my lashes are all natural honey :o
bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. I dont have a song that has affected my life.
messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. Chaos is inevitable, all men must die.
cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.Never been to one QQ
grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?Irina, a friend of mine who disappeared some years ago. She promised me that she wouldnt do so and…i havent gotten over that so the letter would be telling me where she is and if she is okay. I miss her.
space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? I have a fold out table where my laptop sits. Not organized.
white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? I dont have a set routine for anything in my life. I never seem to maintain a schedule. so it varies.
old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? That i used to watch their porn that they stashed away terribly.
beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? my hair is short so a dark blue, i like blue but green is my favorite.
eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? five people? huff i have to know five people. *waves the thought* we’d go to the beach!!! my best friend hasnt been to one since she was a kid so definitely her, my only guy friend and his girl..thats three…uh…oh my guy friends girl’s friend…and uh…this is hard since none of who i am talking about actually lives anywhere near me or within a 1000 miles.
11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. goodness. um. to be healthy–no more health issues, my body functions normally and everything works. thats probably two wishes. so the last one would be..i wish that i was successful.
painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.I once went as a disco guy. yuh, my best costume ever.
lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? texted my best friend over some issues we were having…again. *cough*
thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? Kill innocent people
storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?my best friend. because i love her more than anything and anyone. I would rather see her for the remainder of my life than what the world has to offer.
love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.I have, I am. the feeling is like knowing that you are getting something you really want and its coming to you, that anticipation of it getting there and you having it, but the anticipation is a constant. it wells withing stomach and rises into your chest but never out of your mouth or body, it just stays there.
clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? I keep black, gun metal grey and warm grey nail polish at all times.
coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? caramel macchiato and im rather trusting of anyone really.
marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? my best friend.
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Doing that emotion for @iconicdisquiet / ID, the emotionally stunted wall-cat. SO.
☕ RELAXED
When he’s relaxed, ID just tends to veg out. He goes full body limp and curls up on things: on people, on lusii, on large pillows, occasionally on walls, he’ll pull out his knitting, and he’ll give up on anything that takes more effort than counting perls. If he’s completely relaxed, he generally doesn’t want to bother talking, or interacting with people, because that requires more effort than
♒️ IRRITATED
It depends! If he’s annoyed at someone that he can actually lash out at, he will. Anger escalates very quickly into physical violence for him, unfortunately. He’ll be saccharine and sweet, with just enough bite in his words to warn people what’s coming, and then it’ll tip very sharply into cloying threats, him getting in people’s spaces, and him actually following up on those threats.
He won’t actually maim someone for just annoying him, but he has shoved people into the curtain pit with zero regrets.
If he can’t lash out physically, as is thankfully the case most of the time, he’s a lot more restrained. His verbal barbs get harsher. He gets a lot more obviously insulting. He’ll try to provoke people into hitting first, so that he can get around whatever restrictions he has going - or else he’ll just get nasty to the point that they want to leave him alone.
💘 LUSTING / 🌦 LONGING
When ID wants something, to the point that he actually pays attention to it and acknowledges it, he’s generally explicit about it. He doesn’t believe in being subtle, and by the time he’s recognising it, it’s at the point where he’s comfortable being needy about it. If it isn’t something he can just take - say, wooing someone’s quadrant away, or buying that latest porcelain kitten - he gets blunt, because why skip around the point? The rare instances of ID initiating anything romantic or sexual tends to be the least romantic shit ever.
If he can’t get whatever it is he actually wants, then he’ll flounce off to sulk, and take it out on other characters. He got turned down for a date, so that means everyone on his messageboards are about to be fucking reamed. Sorry, guys.
☘ HOPEFUL
This is a weird emotion for him! ID’s not used to being hopeful. That’s a wriggler feeling, to him, much like optimism in general, and he handles it like a hot potato: fling it in the air, try to ignore it, and then get startled when it lands in his hands and it’s still fucking burning. He has spats of genuine cheer, with actual energy, then he realises what he’s doing and startles himself, because he doesn’t really know what to do with it.
So he tends to be cheerful, almost hyper by his usual standards when he gets genuinely hopeful about things, which transitions into him desperately trying to shove it under the rug while dialing it back.
🍃 CONFUSED / 👐 SURPRISED
He goes quiet, first of all! He’ll start actually thinking about his words before he says them, and this means that he’s taking a lot more time to try and figure out what he should do, because he usually runs off of impulse. ID doesn’t think he’s very good at being a person, a lot of the time, and new emotions always have him pulling back to try and figure out what other trolls would do in this situation.
He also gets very, very serious. No jokes, no insults, just him trying to figure out what he’s supposed to be doing..
.. and flat-out bolting from the situation if he feels like the pressure’s too high before he can. |D
🎡 AMUSED
ID is quick to laugh, quick to sneer, quick to be as much of a dick as is physically possible when he’s amused, because god forbid everyone in the room isn’t aware of it. He likes being entertained, and he can be pushy about sharing the joke, especially/even if it’s something that no one else would be logically amused by.
It’s very easy to tell when he is amused, too. ID makes no attempts to hide it, and he tends to get less cloying, and more actively derisive when he’s laughing at people. When he’s laughing at things? He tends to be genuinely delighted. Give him a cute kitten video of one caught in a jar, and he’ll grin hard enough that people will think he’s broken, and then he’ll forward it to everyone that he knows.
🌞 HAPPY
ID lives in a state of semi-perpetual ennui. He has brief flurries of happiness when people are being entertaining, when Bonnie or Steamy are around, or when he’s fighting (verbally or in comballet), but those tend to be fleeting: they last as long as the interaction or the event’s happening, and then he fades back into his usual laconicism.
But when he’s actually, lastingly happy - he gets confused, sheepish, and deeply put off at himself, in an amused kind of way. He keeps laughing. He keeps bumping his nose against his partners, or slinging an arm around a friend, or coming up with an excuse to lean in and whisper. He’s aware he’s being completely stupid, as far as he’s concerned, and he gets self-deprecating about it, but it’s a rare enough feeling that he’s content to ride it out.
Getting weird about it is for later.
⚡️ ANGRY
An actual, genuinely angry ID is one who’s leaning in hard on the “murder” part of “murderclown”. He doesn’t know how to deal with anger except through injuring the other party, and as a result, it all builds up into a confusing mess for him, one that he’d rather deal with by forcing the other person to leave the situation.
Because when he’s angry, he actively wants to hurt the other participant, to make them feel as fucked up as he is.
💧 SAD
Repress it! ID converts all of his rare bouts of sadness into either laconicism, where he just lays in bed and sleeps until it goes away, or into aggression: if he’s feeling sad, that means he just needs to rip someone apart until he doesn’t, or hit them in the face until he’s actively feeling better.
When he can’t repress it, he genuinely has no idea what to do. The rare times that ID has cried, it’s led directly to confusion, and then resentment at himself that he’d ever do anything as asinine as that.
💕 IN LOVE
He wants to be around you! He is absolutely not someone who’s tied to the hip of the people he loves: he needs and wants space, and any sort of smothering makes him think of Raphae. But he’ll start checking in, he’ll start getting enthusiastic about your calls and your messages, and he’ll actually seek you out to ensure you’re in the same area semi-regularly.
He’s also a great deal less offensive, more purposefully flattering, and a lot more protective of the things or people that he loves. Don’t touch his glass porcelain tableset, or he’ll break your hands. Don’t mess with Bonnie, or he’ll break your spine.
❌ JEALOUS
ANOTHER FEELING HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH.
He gets pissy, first of all, and he gets distant. He’s twenty four, but he’s not the most emotionally mature about this: he has relatively few people that he’s genuinely connected to, and he doesn’t like sharing them when he’s feeling self-conscious about that. So the solution is to ice them out until he’s got it under control.
Either they’ll figure it out, and they’ll stop doing it, or they won’t, and he’s better off not interacting with them so much, anyway. Why is he getting invested in other people? This is stupid.
💔 HEARTBOKEN
He gets quiet about it! There’s no reason to ever mention it, as far as he’s concerned, and he’ll ride out the emotion by mocking himself thoroughly on a mental level, and hiding the fuck out of it on a physical one. He aggressively projects that everything is normal, everything is fine, and he usually ends up just fucking himself up more in the process of that. But that’s fine.
By making sure that no one knows, he’s making sure no one can ever use it against him. It works out.
🏝 LONELY
Can he get a hold of someone? Because if he can, he’ll cling to them. They’ll get him just being too much in general: higher rate of contact, longer conversations, actual unprompted IMs to them asking about their day, their teeth, random facts he’s picked up while back-reading in the last day or so of the chat, and trying to figure out why he feels so awful.
If he can’t get a hold of anyone, he’s going to sleep. Left on his own devices, an isolated ID is one who’d just be completely miserable, unemotive, and sleep for 12-13hrs a day from the sheer lack of fucks given. If he wants to be around people and he can’t, he’ll just shut down as a means of dealing with it.
🌙 EXHAUSTED
He can’t stay awake, for one. There’s micro naps galore! Ignore him for twenty seconds and he’ll fall asleep midword, still talking, and the only sign you’ll have of it is that his eyes are closed, and now he’s talking about the elephants in the room.
For the other: if he’s just tired, he tends to be happy! But if he’s actually exhausted, then he’s just.. even. He doesn’t have the energy to be emotional, and he doesn’t have the inclination to argue. He’ll agree to anything if it means people will fuck off long enough for him to sleep, and then he’ll sleep for the next twelve hours straight.
👻 AFRAID
A frightened ID is a furious one. Back him into a corner and he will snarl and hiss with the best of them: he doesn’t know the meaning of backing down, and he’s never had to learn it. He’ll get more aggressive the more frightened he is, as a way of posturing.
If you’re angry enough, after all, they can’t tell that you’re actually upset. And people are supposed to be afraid of him. If there’s a way that he can feel in control of the situation again, then he absolutely will. Unfortunately, this frequently involves escalating it.
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December 23 2017.
I never wanted to post these. I wasn’t going too.
It wasn’t until I saw the pictures of my family members did I realize I actually did capture something worth sharing, worth working on, worth feeling good about.
I’ve been on meds for awhile, been to therapy too. I’m starting to feel like I have the tools in my toolbox to start making some steps forward. I just don’t feel like I have the self belief to really go for it.
I’m tired, i’m frustrated and I’m finding it increasingly harder to rationalize this fight for myself. I remember being so excited when I moved away that finally I had the ability and the freedom to focus on myself, all of myself, especially my mental health. The commitment to do so has be fraught with setbacks and frustration.
The silver lining to which is the sheer immensity of kindness and love I’ve received from my friends. I question how I deserve it…obviously, and I am always wary of making sure our conversations aren't always about negative stuff. I don’t want to drag em down, or be a bummer. I always believed the most insulting feeling in the world is being pitied. I’d rather be hated than pitied. Maybe i’m just being loved.
I always need external context, I never feel like I can start or finish or be without some sort of external form of permission, context, and sometimes motivation.
Whether is a girls number at the bar, or a degree on the wall I can never truly feel happy or connected to a moment, or an outcome unless I can work out how i’ve earned it. I almost never do.
What this means Is that I am often left floating, never really sure of myself in any given situation. Never really sure if what Im doing or experiencing is really building on a person or values as opposed to the consistent stringing together of just getting through the day.
Taking pictures is a hobby that feels safe to me, it feels worth pursuing. I think because deep down I have never felt like the main character of my own story, behind the lens I don’t have to be.
I named this blog after Kintsukuroi because I loved the meaning behind the art of fixing broken pottery with gold. I wanted to feel like I could do that for myself. Shine through my flaws. But even if I don’t, you can still fill the cracks with pyrite instead of gold and still hold water. Maybe that’s ok.
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See the key to enjoying family vacations is finding little moments of solitude, of respite where you slip out the back and escape for a few hours armed with a bluetooth speaker and a book that wasn’t assigned reading.
-I found a beach chair on the very edge of the resort property, a small wooden fence and a small one person security shack all that separated me from the public beach area filled with local kids splashing and yelling.
- I played something slow and looked out into ocean and came up with as many lame water metaphors as one could presumably concoct under the circumstances of time and a mild hangover.
- I present them here:
See I preface all of this by saying writing all flowerying and poetic like this is like eating buffallo wings really fast, like it tastes good but is always accompanied with the heartburn of being this self indulgent. It just kinda feels douchey haha. Ah fuck it lets go. Maybe self indulgent is the point? When else can you be self indulgent right?
How do I explain the fear of wondering if I wasted my best years simultaneously treading water, and never actually getting wet. How do I reconcile that? Am I gonna be in my late 30s wondering what its like to feel smart enough, or hot enough or good enough. That seems like it could suck, I mean it sucks now, what happens when it also feels like I’ve run out of time?
Speaking of water...
--
Sabrina Benaim said that Depression is turning lonely into busy.
and I am always busy.
She said that
“Depression is sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness, I cannot baptise myself”
- I get that. You see it all around, potential everywhere, happiness so close it seems within reach and everyone around you thinks so too, yet you can't submerge yourself in it. You just drift along, walking on the water that is happiness and not being able to get yourself soaked in it. Always staying dry.
- Maybe in my own metaphor if depression is the actual water?
- I wonder if Happiness is instead the sky you look up to when you’re treading water, concocting dreams of rescue helicoptors or philanthropic Pterodactyls swooping down to save you from your lack of cardio.
-I’ve tried to learn more about treading water by watching people who know how to swim really really well.
Google defines the Rapture of the Deep as an incapacitation that occurs when you dive too deep into the ocean, and no longer know what way is up. It can happen even if you learn how to swim really really well. One way or another some people just sink.
...and some people just take themselves way to seriously...I wonder if thats me?
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January 20th 2018
AN ADENDUM
I am not afraid of the dark.
Night time makes snack food taste better.
Depression is a slowdance lit ever so romantically by the light of the street light by my window.
the glow of the 3:00am on the clock backlighting my stirrings, as a defiance against the convention of normal sleep patterns that’d make even my teenage angst say dude chill…take a nap.
- I envy people.
Not because I want some material thing they have, or some accomplishment. -
- I’m jealous of people who’s ears don’t constantly ring with self doubt. I always felt like I wanted to be a producer instead of just a consumer. But I’ve never had the self belief to stand by what I make...or just make. You know how people play hard to get? I feel like I play hard to want. Like all the time. Trying to be happy means sometimes trying to hard and that is annoying as shit.
I cannot for the life of me understand how people can just, be.
I cannot understand how people can get through the day with more hope beyond just getting through the day. I’d give one eye just to have the other see through that lens.
I cannot understand for the life of me how people know what to do, like ok you’re a therapist how did you know you wouldn’t be the worlds best advertising agent, or a poet or a spot welder? how do these other options not keep you up at night?
- How many people actually try Luge, like what if there is the worlds best Luger (sp?) and he’s instead stuck in the accounting department fantasizing about how to ask out the intern in accounts receivable? He could be fucking Luging bro.
What I’m saying is I cannot understand how people know who to be friends with, or where to live, or who to marry? What if a more compatible partner is out there but she lives in Nicaragua...Fuck dude you gotta go to Nicaragua maybe! maybe the beauty is that out of 7 billion people, out of a million decisions, and happen stances, out of a million one in a millions, you found each other. Maybe thats worth something too? The grass is greener where you water it and all that but how do you know you should be planting grass and not palm trees....or Weed?
How do you know what parts of the tree to prune, what parts can you cut to make it grow and what parts will kill the tree?
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I do try my best, see thats the frustrating part I think. I've tried. I tried to be patient too, To not get ahead of myself. or try to feel like im entitled to feel better just because im trying too.
This has been the most open I've ever been with the people in my life bar my family. Not a single person i've told has reacted with anything other than a reaction of love and care. No matter how I try I can't feel like I deserve it. I’m so scared of opening up too much, and stifling how much and how long I talk about the bad days, I lie about how many good days im having because I don't want this to be a burden for them. I don't want to get left behind because when im alone this thing starts getting the better of me. This is all a bad mix of feeling like I have the most to lose and feeling like I have the least amount of resources i’ve ever had to not lose them.
So much has changed and yet, it still feels like I have nothing to show for any of this.
I read somewhere once that possession is the enemy of love.
That you kill a flower by picking it. Instead of watering it where its rooted.
-
Maybe more patience is required, it’d just be nice for a sign that somethings sprouted, that i’m doing the right things to bring forth an eventuality that this chapter of my life will be over. I just wonder when perseverance ends and delusion begins?
--
I went into my brothers room to give put back a book. I found his sticky notes plastered all over his desk with like meditative buzz word, he's got books on history of architecture and james baldwin and eckhart tolle with the bookmarks well into them. He's starting his own creative company, hes filled out an application for the NYT. he's doing freelance work. hes already killing it with his company and in school. He is an awesome photographer, he's a fashion whiz. he's a veritable genius. and I can't get out of bed. I walked 3 steps out the door today, said nope, and went to bed. I went to bed at midnight last night and didn’t leave my room until 4pm. Im not saying this in a jealous way or in away that harbours any negativity towards him. I love my brother, even if we are never going to be on the terms I hoped we’d be. To be honest I'm not really interested in the things he's into so him being good at those things don't take anything away from me. Its just insane to me how far behind I feel. I can't even basically function and he's taking on the world. If he were where I am, the world would be robbed of so much of the things he can do. I just feel like i'm robbing myself of what I could maybe do too. and It used to be a thing where If I saw somebody getting theirs, id be like aight I gotta go get mine too and id be motivated and it'd give me a boost. Because I believed in my better. I believed I had more to give. now I just, I can't envision any of that for myself. I don't even know what it looks like anymore.
I know that isn’t a fair comparison, I know he’s healthy and I’m not, I know comparison is the thief of joy.
It’s just, I started this whole getting healthy thing to start feeling more like myself. To start to answer the questions about what I could do if depression wasn’t at the forefront of every endeavour I chose to undertake, every thought that crossed my mind and every relationship I established. The fact is I feel no closer to answering that question. None. I feel farther than ever. I am the product of such wonderful privledge, to waste those gifts on a disease so self centred and indulgent seems ridiculous to me, yet here I am.
-
I have people walking with me now on this whimsical mental health adventure I’m on. Which is weird, because for the first time I’ve had to be cognizant of where my arms flail, or how much room I take up on the sidewalk. We walk together lock step, looking at that straight lined horizon, for something to eagerly burst its linearity and meet us more than half way.
While I appreciate the company it’s come with the added fear of what will happen if and when I have to stop, to stumble, to catch my breath, and for the sake of time, they keep walking. Until I can’t see them. Until the horizon is no longer something to move forward too. No north star to guide me home.
See gratitude is anxiety.
Always wondering how you’ve earned the luxury of a second to breathe, to use that moment to appreciate.
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
#jamaica#ocho rios#photography#street photography#travel#beach#nikon#d3300#depression#mental health#lost in my mind
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Okay so little real time horror story for y'all
Alright kids, let's get this over with. I don't jump scare. I was desensitized at a very young age from jump scares and gore by actual real life horror and carnage and trauma blah blah blah. That's not this story. I live in this house you see, or rather my family lives in this house since I've moved away, but it's the house I was raised in and in which I still stay when I am with my family. Now this house is a normal fucking house on the outside. It's white, it's got a nice new green tin roof. All the windows are intact, and it stands an even two stories with no basement (thank god). It's even surrounded by three acres of flat farm land and 289 acres of gently wooded, rolling hills (also about seven grave yards but once again that's not this story). Paints a nice picture right? Don't most houses in horror movies sound about like this? Right? Normal? Bingo. This place is the most haunted pit of hell I think anyone could ever come across. It's stood for over 119 years, with more people than I can count on my fingers and toes, dying under it's redone roof (most of their pictures hang in the upstairs bedroom cause my grandmother is a sentimental freak. And they're the old antique photographs too which adds to the horror). Now I can say this house is haunted all I want, but I have stories to back it up. Stories of learning to tie my shoe laces because I saw the ghost of my dead grandfather and he showed me how (I was four). Stories of my friends literally running in fear onto my front lawn in the middle of the night, because they were sleeping upstairs with "the mirror" (another old antique I wish my irrational family would get rid of). Stories of voices, and floating arms in photos and things levitating and moving and even disappearing. Stories of walking through the projection of my great aunt Vivian on my way to the bathroom at four am, because it was dark and I thought she was my mom, so of course I approached her. I could tell you all these stories and have an actual book of my personal accounts as well as some eyewitness testimonies from past house guests. It'd be a lovely 600 page manual by the time I've finished recounting the tales. But the story I want to tell you happened tonight. I'm home visiting my mother and grandmother for the week. I've already been here three days, and I'm leaving tomorrow. As far as visits home go this one has been relatively uneventful. I'm with gran during the day, and then mom comes home from work, we all watch some tv then around 9 or 10 mom and gran retire to bed and leave me to read or write and do my insomnia routine. Tonight was a bit different though because around midnight I actually decided to put my ass in bed and attempt sleep. I succeeded, for a while. I woke up barely thirty minutes ago because my throat was so dry I'm surprised it wasn't hosting mirages. And like any normal person (or perhaps like any person conditioned by unfortunate events) I sit a bottle of water on my dresser before I go to bed so I don't have to walk through an unlit house. This is particularly convenient because my room is on the complete opposite side of the house from the kitchen, and as I've stated this house is Fucked™ . So I get up and get my drink, and I see something in the dark that looks like it's sitting on the top of my lidded hamper. My hamper that had NOTHING sitting on it when I went to bed. Now I'll repeat it's very dark, I don't nightlight, and this thing isn't very big. It looks to be the size of a human baby at six months. I'm very blind. I'll add that in here. I don't see well in daylight let alone in the pitch black bowels of this house past midnight. So initially (yes, even knowing my own homes backstory and penchant for the supernatural) I write it off as me just seeing stuff out of the dark. I'm very White And Rational™ (id die in a horror movie) so I keep drinking my water, and when I'm done and turning around to go back to bed, what happens? THE THING ON THE HAMPER PITCHES FORWARD AND CRIES. Okay. To my credit I don't jump (jumps scare don't do it for me even real ones). My first thought actually, is that my mother has neglected to let my black cat outside for the night (he's indoor/outdoor this is a FARM so don't come pitching at me for this) and that he's sitting on my hamper. Sometimes when he whines, it sounds like the cry of a small child. Normally, I'd go to the hamper and pick him up, but he hasn't jumped down yet on his own either, and I'm still feeling unsettled. So I do another stupid thing, and go to my bed and get my phone to turn on my flashlight. Doesn't sound stupid. It's stupid. I should have left myself unknowingly in the fucking dark okay. Cause when I shine the light on my hamper I'm not met with my cat. Im met with a baby doll I haven't seen since I was five, sitting serenely, leaned forward with its mouth open, on the top of my hamper. Now kids, I fuck with a lot of things in the land of paranormal. I get a sick thrill from visiting haunting sites that aren't my own home, and I've investigated the history of my home and the surrounding areas paranormal records extensively, because it's an exciting topic. But if there's one thing, other than clowns, that I absolutely do not fuck with. ITS FUCKING BABY DOLLS. Porcelain dolls are fine, rag dolls are fine, toss me Annabelle's haunted ass any day. But not a baby doll, and especially not a life-like one. So at this point I'm actually no longer calm or rational. I haven't seen this thing in years and it was probably buried in the bowels of this house's storage. So my flashlighted, phone-wielding ass, takes off full sprint through the house and into my mothers room. She consequently jolts awake because I scare her with my thunderous presence, and she sits up. I explain to her what happens as fast and as calmly as I can. And I don't know if her tired brain absorbed all of it, cause really she wasn't rational at all but more in a sleepy, half-cocked sense than in a hysterically frightened sense. She calmly walks through the house blinking in the dark. Leaving me standing in the door to her room, and when she reaches my room, and I guess subsequently the hamper, I hear her eloquently say, "Well, shit." Just calmly. Rather gently. "Well, shit." She then proceeds to come back to where I'm still standing with the doll in question held over one elbow. Like it's nothing. I'll give her the credit of being sixty years old, and having lived in this house for every waking minute of it, so perhaps she's even more desensitized than I am. Or she's just batshit nuts, blown over the looneys nest. Because the next thing out of her mouth is: "I found it the other day. Thought I put it in my room." And she just walks by me back into her darkened room, sets the doll down somewhere, and climbs back into her bed. Leaving me to return to my own bed, where I'm currently lying fully awake, mourning the loss of whatever sleep I COULD have gotten, because I have to worry I'm going to wake up with a doll sitting somewhere in my vicinity when in all probabilities it apparently should have been in my mother's room. So. There's that.
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coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME
warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.
im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.
last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me!
i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed.
in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES
first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!!
and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!
i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.
it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.
all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!
what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!
ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.
#trumpet hate#personal#wow this was..... so much..........#literally no one is gonna read this but it was mostly for me anyways so [shrug emoji]#caps /#negative /#self hate /#transphobia /#cissexism /#menstruation mention //#the experience#ask to tag
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131 Questions
1. On Saturdays, I like to…
Depends what mood I’m in or how I’m feeling. If I’m in a tired, ’cba with anything’ mood I can easily lounge in my jammies at home watching telly and playing sims. If I’m in a more energetic ‘need to get out the house’ mood ill persuade my mom to go shopping, or take the dogs out or something
2. Where would you like to be a missionary to?
Idk what that means
3. What’s better — toilet paper rolled over top or underneath?
Over
4. Which Scooby-Doo character are you most like (Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Fred, Velma, the monster, Scrappy?)
Probably shaggy and scooby cause I’m scared of everything
5. If you had to endure one natural disaster (i.e. hurricane, tornado, etc), what would you pick and why?
Idk, hurricane maybe? Id rather not be in any disaster tbh
6. What movie or TV show do you take guilty pleasure in watching?
Not gonna lie, there are some shows on kids tv I actually enjoy watching
7. If you had to describe your day as a traffic sign, what would it be?
Ive had a mental block and I can’t think of any traffic signs
8. What traditional stereotype would you classify yourself as?
I don’t think I really fit into one stereotype. im kind of a nerd but not 100% nerd
9. What “group” did you belong to in high school?
My group was a mishmash of people. we were branded as the weird, geeky, unpopular group by most people
10. If you wrote a book about yourself…what would it be about?
Probably about my experience with mental health and how it affected my school/college years
11. If your house were burning down, what would you take and why?
obviously first thing id do would be check my family and pets were safe. Then id grab my laptop, the teddy I’ve had since I was born and try to get the two boxes from under my bed that I keep my memories in.
12. Describe your favorite pair of PJ’s.
My favourites at the moment are my Christmas ones I bought myself this year. They’re red and white, with a kind of Christmas jumper pattern on them. Its hard to describe them but they’re super cosy
13. How many handbags do you own?
Like two, I’m not big on handbags. I buy one and keep it until its dies then get a new one
14. If this were your last day alive, what would you say to your friends?
Thank them for sticking with me and giving me some great memories
15. What is your very favorite part of your day?
getting into bed at the end of the day
16. What is your best scar? Tell the story of how you got it.
I don’t consider any of my scars ‘best’.. the one that has the most meaning is the one on my stomach. Its from when my appendix burst when I was two years old and my parents said It was 50/50 wether I survived or not
17. You win a million dollars, but you have to give half to a charity. Which charity do you pick, and what do you do with the rest of the money?
probably Birmingham dogs home, or dogs trust
18. Describe your dream wedding where money is no option.
IF I every do get married, I would like a winter/christmas wedding cause Christmas is my favourite time of year and winter weather is a bit more predictable. Id want to get married in a church, then go to a big castle hall for the reception. Honeymoon in lapland!
19. What kind of deodorant do you use?
I think its either dove or sure..? I can’t remember. its a spray deodrant though, can’t deal with those horrid wet stick ones
20. If you were a spy what would your alias be?
is alias like, spy name? I don’t know, I can’t think of anything cool haha
21. Do you have a birth mark? Where? Does it look like anything?
Nope, don’t think so
22. You are planning the most awesome dinner party of your life. Which 3 celebrities/historical figures (past or present) would you add to your guest list to keep the dinner talk interesting?
Edie Redmayne because.. its eddie redmayne and he’s just adorable. kate mckinnon would be a freakin’ amazing dinner party guests I chose her and I can’t think who id chose for the third person.. maybe Walt Disney. NO WAIT, JOHNNY DEPP!! I choose Johnny Depp, I feel like he’d have a lot of great stories
23. What is your favorite sport, and which team of that sport do you cheer for?
None
24. Which would you rather have a kiss or a hug? Why?
Hug
25. If you could be a pair of jeans what style would you be? Why?
Skinny jeans, so I could be skinny :’)
26. You have multiple personalities, describe some of them.
too many to go into
27. What is the best thing you have done in your life?
Probably passing my driving test. OR, when I was 17 I got certified as a Zumba instructor. even though I ended up having to give up Zumba, thats probably the thing I’m the most proud of in my life so far. As someone who suffers anxiety/panic attacks it was a massive achievement to travel to blackpool, go dance at Winter Gardens ballroom ON MY OWN in a room full of strangers for 6 hours, and come out with a certificate.
28. If you were blind for the rest of your life… what would you miss seeing the most?
Everything. It would be awful. Id probably miss seeing my dogs faces the most
29. What household chore do you hate the most?
Washing the dishes, or hanging my clothes up in the closet
30. What is your most disappointing moment in life?
the whole college experience. dropping two of my a levels, failing the other two. Then dropping out of college course. And again, dropping out of another college course. Not a great 3 years for me.
31. When have you laughed the hardest? Cried?
today. I realised my dog’s haircut made him look like Edna Mode from the incredibles.. easily amused. Last time I cried, Im not sure. The last time I remember crying was Christmas Eve
32. If you had a “theme song” that played whenever you walk into a room full of people, what would it be?
My cellophane from Chicago? Haha idk
33. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
General appearance. Probably what they’re wearing, their hair, their face. If I’m up close face to face with someone the first thing I notice are eyes and mouth
34. What time period from the past would you most have liked to live in and why?
80s, I like the music
35. What is the best reward anyone can give you?
support
36. If you had a band what would you name it?
Idk, I used to have a name I said I would use but I can’t remember now
37. Do you like fruit? Vegetables?
Not really. The only fruit I like is apples and bananas. The only veg I like are peas
38. What can someone do to encourage you?
tell me they believe in me and be genuine about it
39. If you could be one for just 24 hours, what cereal box cartoon character would you be? Why?
What a bazaar question haha! Erm, the one from coco pops? The monkey
40. What was the best thing that happened to you this weekend?
New Years day. i spent the day surrounded by family at my sisters house and we stayed they’re till almost 2am playing heads up and singing too loud
41. What is your favorite animal? List three adjectives to explain your choice.
Ffs, I don’t know what an adjective is :’) favourite animal: dogs. Loyal, cuddly, goofballs
42. What is your favorite color? List three adjectives to explain your choice.
Again with the adjectives, gah! Fave colour, purple. I don’t know why, I just like it leave me alone
43. It’s a very hot and muggy day. You desperately want something very cool and refreshing to quench your thirst and revitalize your body. What would you drink — either make your own or store-bought.
Cold water obvs
44. You discover that the person you’re head-over-heels interested in loves a good homemade & handmade dessert. What will you concoct when you have this person over?
Cookies, either salted caramel or Nutella filled
45. What would you leave in your will for the person you care about the most?
Idk, I don’t really have anything to leave :’)
46. What do you consider to the most valuable thing you own: when you were a child/teenager/now?
Child: probably something stupid like dolls. Teenager: idk, laptop? Now: again probably laptop since I bought a new one yesterday. I would say dog but I don’t own the dog
47. What’s the kindest act you have ever seen done?
Idk
48. If you could have any job in the world, which one would you want?
Actress, or dancer. Or animal trainer for movies/tv
49. What are your best/worst subjects in school and what subjects would you want to learn now?
Best subjects: none. Worst subjects: all of them, but especially science.
50. What are you most talented at?
Nothing :’)
51. What is your worst nightmare today?
Still being the way I am now this time next year
52. How often do you clean between your toes?
Idk, like almost every day I think
53. What is your favorite way to waste time at work without getting caught?
I don’t have a job so idk
54. If you could have had the starring role in one film already made, which movie would you pick?
Tina in Fantastic Beasts.. being part of that amazing film AND getting to spend all that time with Eddie Redmayne <3
55. If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do?
I don’t want to be apart of a circus
56. If you could eliminate one thing you do each day in the bathroom so that you never had to do it again, what would it be?
Having to go to the bathroom <- yup, that
57. You were just given a yacht. What would you name it?
the mad hatter
58. If you could have been told one thing that you weren’t told when you were a teenager, what would you like to have heard?
‘Dont expect everything to get better in college. It only gets worse’
59. You’ve just been hired to a promotions position at Kellog Co. What would you put in a new breakfast cereal box as a gimmick?
These questions are hard man
60. Just like “Everybody Wang Chung tonight!”, what action would your name be if it were a verb?
wtf
61. Name your favorite song.
At the moment, I’m loving Todrick Hall ‘no place like home’
62. If you were to get a tattoo, what would it say or what would the graphic be?
I have a tattoo. I have 3 musical notes behind my ear. I want another tattoo, i want a lighthouse on the side of my foot under my ankle
63. If you could play any musical instrument, what would it be and why? If you already play an instrument(s), what do you play and why?
ive just started playing the ukulele, my dad bought me one for Christmas
64. When trick-or-treating as a kid, was there any kind of candy that you didn’t like to get?
I never went trick or treating
65. Why do you live in the Washington DC area?
I dont :’)
66. What is your favorite memory of Christmases past?
Just Christmas in general
67. What is the most outrageous thing you’ve done for God?
I haven’t done anything outrageous.. the most ‘unlike me’ thing I did was stand up in front of my church and give a testimony. It was terrifying and I cried with relief when it was over haha
68. If a movie was being made of your life and you could choose the actor/actress to play you, who would you choose and why?
Jennifer Lawrence
69. Paper or plastic?
Paper I guess idk
70. What was the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?
I don’t eat anything weird, I’m a very boring eater
71. What do you keep in the trunk of your car?
I have a basket which I keep de-icer, ice scraper, washer liquid, a torch, gloves, hat, tennis balls and dog poop bags
72. When you were in grade school, what did you want to be when you grew up? Why?
I wanted to be someone who looked after peoples cats when they went on holiday.. don’t ask why
73. If you owned a CB radio what would your “handle” be?
I dont know what that means
74. If you were given 24 hrs to live, what would you do?
I can’t even, questions like this stress me out
75. If you were in the “Miss America” talent competition, what would your talent be? (Note: both guys & gals have to answer this question)
i dont know, probably bring the dog on stage and dance with him or something haha
76. What do you think the most ultimate gift of the world is?
Uh.. idk. I feel like this survey is gonna be really boring cause most my answers are ‘idk’
77. What is your earliest childhood memory?
Earliest memory is mom dropping me off at preschool and my crying my eyes out being carried off by the teacher
78. What was your favorite TV show when you were growing up?
I had many. I had a lot of veggitales videos
79. If you had one extra hour of free time a day, how would you use it?
Either sleep, or just more time sitting on the sofa wasting my life
79. What CD is in your CD player right now?
Rend Collective, Campfire II
80. The great theologian Andy Warhol stated that everyone gets 15 minutes of fame. What happened during your 15 minutes?
Still waiting for mine
81. Name the most famous person you’ve had a face to face encounter with.
I met the wanted, Andy Jordan and literally bumped into laurence llewelyn-bowen in hobby craft last year
82. Name your favorite children’s story.
Anything by road Dahl, the whole chronicles of Narnia or the grufflo
83. If you could spend 15 minutes with any living person, who would it be and why?
hmm.. I haven’t mentioned eddie redmayne enough in this survey so ill say him :’) or Kate McKinnon.. love her
84. What person in the Bible do you most closely identify with?
Esther was my favourite growing up, and now I’m older I identify with her a lot
85. What article of clothing most closely describes your personality?
A hoodie because you can pull the hood over your head and hide away just like I’ve been doing for a long time <-this
86. If you were to write a book what would it be about?
Im sure I answered this question earlier..?
87. How many rings before you answer the phone?
I don’t really do that. I see who’s ringing and I either answer it or I don’t
88. What is the first thing you think of when you wake in the morning?
Lie there contemplating wether to wake up or go back to sleep
89. If you won a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Pay off they money I owe. Pay off parents debts, and sisters debts. Give them money. Buy a house in Bournemouth. Set up a doggy day care business.
90. If you had to, what part of your body would you get pierced?
No thanks
91. Who was your favorite teacher and why?
My English/drama teacher in the first year of senior school. She found out I was having difficulties and became like a mentor to be. She helped me out a lot.
92. What makes you feel the most secure?
My family
93. Who do you admire the most?
Mom
94. Have you ever had a reoccurring dream? What was it?
I’ve had dreams about my teeth falling out a few times. Recently I keep having dreams about being in bed with spiders and snakes crawling on me and wake up hitting my duvet and generally freakin the f out
95. What was your nickname growing up?
Bong
96. Who was your hero when you were a child, and what did you do to be like them?
My dad. I would try to play his guitars and would tag along with him when he went to his evening jobs
97. Peanut or plain?
Peanut or plain what..?
98. What is your favorite cartoon character & why?
I don’t actually know
99. How did you learn to ride a bicycle?
all I remember is my dad took me to the park and held on to the bike while I cycled, then let me go and I rode into a tree
100. Based on something you’ve already done, how might you make it into the Guinness Book of World Records?
The ability to jump to the worst conclusion in the quickest time
101. What’s the closest you’ve come to becoming a pop star/winning an Oscar?
No where near
102. When was the last time you did something for the first time? What was it?
I honestly can’t think of anything
103. What is your concept of a fruitful day?
I dont know what that means..
104. What was your favorite thing to play with as a child? Why?
I was quite an active child, I spent a lot of time climbing trees and running around outdoors. When I wasn’t doing that, my favourite toys were bratz dolls
105. If you could be any animal in the world for 24 hours, which animal would you be? Why?
a bird, I would love to experience flying
106. Have you ever jumped out of a plane?
Nope, im not adventurous enough for that
107. If you could rid the world of one thing, what would it be?
Hate/war/terror
108. What is your best personal characteristic?
Ughhhh I hate questions like this, I’m not good at saying nice stuff about myself
109. What is your favorite quote?
“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those you don’t believe in magic will never find it.” - Roald Dahl
110. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do?
Sneak onto a film set and see what its like
111. What is your favorite weird food combination?
Im not into any weird food combinations. Like I said earlier, I’m not adventurous enough
112. If you had to be a flower, which one would you like to be and why?
Maybe a rose, cause they’re pretty but they have thorns so they fight back again people who try to pick them :’)
113. If you were stranded on a desert island, what three books and three people would you take with you?
3 books: Fantastic beasts and where to find them, Harry Potter and the cursed child (cause its the one I’m reading atm) and a bible.
3 people: my mom, my dad and my sis
114. My biggest pet peeve is…
People in general
115. What is your favorite commercial? What commercial annoys you the most?
I don’t really have a favourite. they all tend to annoy me after a while. OH WAIT! One advert I will never get fed up of is the Coca Cola Christmas one, ‘Holidays are Coming’
116. What’s the most interesting “Ice Breaker” Question you have ever been asked?
I avoid situations that require ice breaker questions.
117. If you could be an ice cream flavor, what would it be? Why?
Salted caramel, cause its my fave idk
118. Name a turning point in your life that makes you smile/cry.
Makes me cry: probably the year I dropped out of college for the third time, got dianosed with depression then got ill with thyroid shit
Makes me smile: maybe, going back to church this year because its changed my life for the better and set our family on an exciting journey thats just beginning :)
119. If there were a holiday in your honor what would it celebrate?
everyone who isn’t perfect, who is awkward, and fails at stuff a lot
120. What clubs were you a member of in High School? Are you still interested in any of the same things?
I joined a drama club for like a week before it got shut down because there wasn’t enough members
121. If you were to be on a reality TV show which one would you be on and why?
Probably big brother, I have no talents so I couldn’t go on anything else :’)
122. If you could be anything in the world, what would you be and why?
Someone with talent. preferably someone who could sing, dance and act and was in musicals
123. If someone rented a billboard for you, what would you put on it?
‘Make the effort to make someone smile today’
124. If you had to enter a competition for the “Most Uselessly Unique Talent,” what would your talent be?
The ability to get animals to like me
125. If you were a Smurf, what would your name be?
Awkward smurf, talentless smurf, failure smurf
126. What is your worst personality characteristic?
Please refer to previous answer
127. If you had to be a teacher of something, what would you teach?
well I completed a night course in canine behaviour so I guess I could teach how to care for and train dogs
128. How would you like to be remembered?
Someone who made people smile
129. What is one thing that you constantly think about (other than material things)?
Whether I’m doing the right thing or not. what I should be doing with my life.
130. What do you like best about your hometown?
I don’t know, I guess the fact that its got a nice reputation
131. Something interesting you might not know about me is…
Im not very interesting..
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My inner thoughts..enjoy
xx If I could go back to a year ago and relive every second with him god I'd do it in a second I hate how much I miss him and how often I think of him I don't remember what it's like to be happy and that kills me the most God why didn't I appreciate the time I spent with him more I don't want to feel this way anymore Why would I do that.. fuck it's because I'm in love with him Ya it's just sex but I'd do anything to see him because I'm in love with him It's meaningless to him but I'm literally in love with him I just wish I could have someone I could tolerate, I can't tolerate anyone recently and I wish there was someone I could Fuck chris he's the worst person to ever come into my life Miss the days we'd eat chinese food and watch movies No one ever fucking understands If there was a painless way to kill myself I would to it without a doubt I hate how he doesn't open up to me anymore. I look at him with so much to say yet I know nothing with come out of his mouth. You used to talk to me about anything and eveything that's what I miss the most. 1:01am 12-21 I look at him and I know he has so much to say why can't you just talk to me or when will I ever let you go 1:18am 12-21 I might not be happy but I had a very happy night 12-26 10:37pm I can't believe how much I miss you every single day srill 12-31 3:44pm I'm sad again, I feel nothing, I'm so empty ur long for only his eyes to look into. When will I be okay? 1-3 9:15pm Why can't I fucking forget you the piece shit you are , why do I love you 1-4 12:07am Im getting worse by the second I need you 8:25pm 1-5 I wish I could talk to you about how shitty everything is I wish you could talk to me like a friend 1-11 10:59pm He was the only boy who made me feel a range of emotions and that's why he's will here 4:12pm 1-14 I think I need to see him to feel okay 11:16pm 1-14 I'm happy I have the people I have (Joria, Liz, bay, linds) 1:44pm 1-15 He fucks me till my legs go numb literally 5:01pm 1-15 I wish I told you I loved you more when I had the chance to 10:53pm 1-20 I'm at the point where if he let me love him I would pour everything out to him but he doesn't so I sit there silently holding it all in 1:15am 1-23 One day I'm going to look back and talk about you saying 'he was someone I dated in high school' and all these feelings I have now I won't even remeber, it's sad actually 11:41pm 1-33 I can't breath and then I need you 9:30 2-17 Everything's been so shitty fuck I wish you were home id drive over in a second 1:04am 2-19 I've gotten used to staying up late because I'm just waiting for you to text me to come over 1:29am 2-19 I knew you'd get sick of me and somehow I'm surprised 8:27pm 2-20 I want to talk to you but there's nothing to say 11:26pm 2-24 *Some nights are hard, the though of never seeing him again makes my heart drop into my stomach 9:31pm 3-5 I can't believe how sad I am today over you I wish I could go back 3:16pm 3-6 Why do I let people use me so often, I deserve the world Why can't anyone see me for the person I am I deserve I long to be held and kissed I want to be in someone's arms I want someone to see me for the gift that I am 3-14 11:43am Damn it like why the fuck do I let myself get attached to any boy that gives me affection, I deserve better, everyone fucking sucks 10:05pm 3-20 So much I wish I could say to you fuck I hate holding it all in 11:13pm 3-20 Not prepared to let you go, but I have to 12:04am 3-27 *I never learned how to let you go, or live without you 3:43 3-27 I'm having the hardest time believing I can truly make someone happy and it's because you fucked me up 4-11 10:22pm The feeling you get listening to a song and thinking about that person and wanting to badly to kiss them is an incredible feeling 10:38pm 4-22 fuck you for making me believe you loved me this was the worst fucking night in a while and it's because I really wished that was you saying it, I wish you loved me fuck I still love you 9:07 pm 5-1 I hate how I'll always care about you, even if I am with someone else you'll still be my world 11:53pm 5-1 He is still the only person to calm me down, even if he's yelling at me I can relax that's so fucked 12:10am 5-2 Haven't been this genuinely happy in a long time, forever grateful 10:16pm 5-2 Id rather slit my own wrists than be ignored 9:04pm 5-9 All of my insecurities are caused from past relationships and that's so fucked up 10:10pm 5-9 Genuine happiness what an incredible feeling 10:33pm 5-10 Scares me so much how sad I get when I don't talk to him for a couple hours 9:53pm 5-11 I don't know why when things go wrong I still want to talk to you, when I don't think about you at all anymore 10:39pm Still have urges to text you and ask to go over your house 8:55pm 5/19 *I wish I could talk to you, I wish it was 9 months earlier and I told you I loved you I wish I didn't think of you everytime I have an anxiety attack 8:53pm 5/28 I don't know why someone can give me so much love and I still feel alone and sad and it makes me miss him. I am given so much love and affection and finally being treated right and it's still not enough. Why am I so selfish fuck you're right. 9:09pm 5/30 It hurts 1:40am 6/10 Haha I'm only staying with him because I'm not ready to be miserable yet, not again, not this soon 4:31pm 6/10 I'm not happy anymore 10:19am 6/18 Living is so hard take me out of my misery 2:37am 6/22 I never learned how to breathe without you 4:16pm 6/22 I don't think the tight feeling I get in my chest when I see you with her will ever go away 11:45pm 6/25 I need to stop staying up so late for boys who are never going to answer, I'm tired of living 1:07 am 6/26 miss being touched miss your company 10:51pm 6/27 I feel like I'll never find someone that treats me right that I fully connect with 11:28pm 7/6 I'm still in love with him 9:08pm 7/9 July 2016- present I don't think I'll never not be insecure about myself, I have a boyfriend and I still don't even believe he has feelings for me 1:08 7/17 Besides that I've never felt so content waking up to his face almost every morning is a blessing, he's a blessing I've never been with someone whose so good to me, I have a good feeling about this one 1:09am 7/17 Too much left unsaid 12:34am 7/25 I've never felt this content in my life I'm so excited for the future 1:12am 7/27 So uncomfortable with myself I want to die 8:48 8/5 I really hope I stay with him for a long time, I want to marry him, I think I'm falling in love 8/10 12:29am you get so frustrated with yourself you want to crawl out of you skin but you can't you're stuck 1:41am 8/14 He finds me beautiful in times I can't even stand to look in the mirror 10:14 8/21 You hold onto things so you can remind yourself of how you felt at that particular moment because sometimes you feel nothing but pain ' I love this boy and the way he bits his nails when he's concentrating, and the scars on his stomach, and his jaw line. I want him forever he's the one thing I've been sure of I hope he never leaves me 9:05 10/2 I'm still in love with him, or maybe I'm not, I'm so confused I'm with someone who gives me the world but I still long for you, I still miss you, I still think about you, I still wish I could kiss you 8:09pm 11/3/16 Some nights I miss how messy my life used to be. I miss sneaking out to fool around in your bed at late hours. I miss being in love with a boy who didn't even know how to love himself. I miss the feeling of being needed but at the same time not wanted at all. The constant up and down extremes highs and the lowest of lows. Always on edge, never perfect, always anticipating something new. I miss those days I miss sneaking around I miss loving a boy who didn't love me back I miss the messy part of my life. 2:22am 11/21/16 I want him, but we're not right 12/6 3:21pm Don't know where to begin, I feel at times as though I'm not happy and I'm just getting by through life. I don't like my friends my school my decisions. I feel like I have never truly been happy. I am stressed out and have anxiety 24/7 and I mean it. I want to be happy I want to achieve my dreams but my anxiety gets in the way. I don't know if jake makes me happy anymore he did in the summer now there's too much he expects me to do. No ones expected anything of me ever so I can't do it I can't make him happy I don't know what he wants. I feel like I am so depressed I just don't show it. I hate school I'm dreading going back, I would rather not go at all. I think I need to do things to make myself happy but I have never done that in my whole life. I don't know how to do things for myself I just care too much about what people think to do what I want. I've never felt so lost in my whole entire life. 1/21 I wish time could stand still so I could live a moment longer than a minute. So I could hold you tight running my hands over every crevasse of your body. Hearing you breathe, your eyes scan the room, your mouth as it moves, your skin as it moves with you. Some times I don't want the moment to pass because i know once it's over it's gone and you can't get it back, the simplicity the peace is gone. Time has a way of going by too fast when you especially don't want it to. 2/7 I want to be happy. I'm surrounded by the wrong people. I'll never feel like I belong here. I'm so upset. 4/13 I want to be happy I regret so much I don't know what to od
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Hello stranger...
It’s been a while since I wrote in here. At the moment I’m training myself to stay awake for these upcoming night shifts and I thought what better use of my time than to write a long post on here for you.
I have a lot to apologise for.
Even though we have skyped quite a lot today, i still feel guilty and ashamed of myself. For the past 1-2 months I really haven't been a good boyfriend to you. I’m expecting you to read this and just nod and nod and go “fucking hell finally he realises” and hopefully forgive me after. You have been having a very tough time recently and your mental health hasn't been great and teaching has been hard and you’ve been overworked and tired and what did you need? some support and someone to tell you everything will be okay and someone to listen to all your worries and concerns. I do not feel like I have been that person. I think I have been selfish recently and, since finding out I'm not here after easter, have put in more effort with my house than i have with you. i didn't always make time to FT you and i overreacted (or under reacted) to things, I dismissed things, I told you not to worry about things when they were blatantly worrying you, i wasn't there for you. Nothing will make that okay and trust me i am beside myself with anger and I'm so ashamed of myself and to think that I've hurt you by not supporting you really kills me inside. I have not been the person I usually am and i honestly cannot feel more apologetic than i do right now.
A week ago (last wednesday?), we had a rather large argument about sex etc and it got pretty out of hand to the point where we didn't seem like we would properly make it through. I was so stupid to say some of the things i did. I must have just been too worked up about it because at the end of the day i really actually don't care. If you ask me whats more important; shagging all the time or having someone to talk to, hug, kiss, lounge around in bed with, go to the cinema with, go to a museum with, go travelling with, FaceTime for hours - you know which Id choose. We are going to prague very very soon and if i can ask one thing of you it is this - DO NOT WORRY about sex. Please. I know that is so much easier said than done but i couldn't care less. In prague what i want is a lovely relaxed time with you where you don't have to tread on eggshells or worry about what will happen later, i want to live purely in the moment with you. i hate myself that I've inadvertently subjected you to this sort of pressure and its not fair at all - its not right. I will say it now, i do not expect ANYTHING from you in prague. What i’m really craving now, and have been always, is affection. I want hugs from behind, cuddles at random moments, random kisses on the cheeks, makeouts, bum squeezes, long hugs. thats what i want. i want you to know that ever since that argument i have felt so incredibly guilty. we say we are all good over Skype but at the back of my mind I'm still feeling horrible for that argument and i think its the elephant in the room - this may not be the actual case but in my mind I'm convinced that its still causing problems and I'm worried for how you feel towards me. So please, please, please, do not worry one single bit. If you kiss me before you go to bed and kiss me when you wake up, that is good enough for me - believe me when i say that.
Ive been reading your diary all evening and yeah I've shed quite a few tears. I have not appreciated you the way i should have over the past few months. Fuck me i am the luckiest man alive to have you as my girlfriend. you mean the world to me and i am so so in love with you i cannot imagine not being with you. i wish more than anything i could take back these recent times and just stop being such a dick. I was the biggest fool ever to let us grow slightly apart but please understand i will do everything i can to help us get back together properly. I don't feel like you’re 100% there at the moment, you’re not as affectionate over ft or over text even at the moment and in my mind I'm putting that down to you still getting over how I've treated you and maybe subconsciously giving me a taste of my own medicine - i may be completely wrong but I'm trying to rationalise it. I wouldn't blame you if you were. I just feel like i really need you to realise how important you are to me. You are my best friend, my confidant, my number one girl and the one person i want to share everything with. there are no excuses for how I've treated you (and i may be blowing it out of proportion idk) but i can tell you now it will never happen again. ever.
You also commented how you think you’ve changed so much this year. You think youve become a lot more independent and matured a lot - that is absolutely fucking fantastic news to hear and i am so proud of you and i support that fully! I think thats such an important trait to have and such a great skill to learn (particularly before getting into the real world) and i was genuinely so happy to hear that. You may think that now you’re independent you don't need me anymore, and the truth is you don’t. I don't think any healthy relationship relies on “needing” the other, i think a healthy relationship is two people doing what they do and enjoying their life independently but wanting to share experiences or spend time with someone else too. I think in that sense our relationship can grow so much stronger because we can do our own thing and not get insecure or anything but we can still want to spend time together if you know what i mean, i hope you feel the same way! But i am so proud of you.
Also, about the head shaving business - go for it. I was drunk and i think i overreacted to it and in the cold light of day, i think its important you know that i will support you in whatever you do. Whatever happens you are still the same person i fell in love with and nothing will change that. Im sorry for making you feel bad about it and i want you to do what makes you happy, thats all i want! For you to be happy. So yeah, fucking go for it! I’ll still kiss it, you may have to get used to me rubbing it all over tho lol.
I am and always will be 100% committed to us and i will support you through every high and low time that comes your way, i will be there to ft you when you've had a bad day and to sit through your tears and maybe cheer you up with a song if you're feeling it. i’ll be there to listen to your achievements and encourage you with all your bravery and independence. If you want me to be, i will be.
I love you so much sweetheart, i really really do and its not long until we see eachother again, its not long until we see eachother after that and then its really not long until we go back to living 20 minutes away from each other. imagine those evenings where its like 6.30pm and I've just finished dinner and so have you and I'm just like “shall i come round?” and within 30 mins ill be at your house and we could watch an episode of OITNB and then i can go back home and it'll be that simple. Next year we will both need so much support and so much care - its going to be so stressful but together I'm sure we can fucking smash it.
you are the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, i hope you realise that and i hope its not too late for me to make amends and remind you of how great we can be together. u da greatest <3
PS: if this is all getting repetitive (i know I've sort of mentioned it a bit over ft) then pls tell me to stop flogging a dead horse and to shut up. I just thought you may appreciate a proper, thought out, from the heart apology :3
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edit: apparently readmores just show up as the entire fuckn text on mobile so im sorry okay? i tried to make this as unobtrusive as possible but tumblr apparently wont fckn let me. so just skip this, it’s a cesspool of me just whining, dont let me bring down your day stay hydrated i love you bye
i just realised that i cant watch other sad people. and yeah it’s every bit as horrible as it sounds but i cant. i tried catching up with a certain youtuber’s videos just now and they were just. so sad. and not even like the “regular” sad. the kind of sad i am. all of the time. the tired bored nothing empty sort of sad. i cant watch that. because now im sad. i clawed myself up from what was probably a week-long spiral and now im pretty sure i fell back in a little again. and i feel them i really do. i kind of admire them for pushing themselves and actually trying because all ive done this week is sleep and lie in bed feeling everything and nothing. and maybe i should feel, i dont know, solidarity with them, in knowing that im not alone or something, but i dont. i feel horrible when people are sad. i want to feel horrible. i dont want them to feel sad. but obviously they are. neither of us can really help it that’s kind of the point. maybe im a horrible person for being like that but hey, if our places were switched they would probably think that of themselves too. and that’s the entire problem. watching them is like watching myself. i kind of hate myself. id really not like to watch me. it makes me wonder if i look that sad to other people. because im gonna be honest, i havent been doing so good at pretending on the irl front recently. and i just keep wondering and wondering how fed up my friends probably are of me at this point. ive just been such a pain in the ass this week. and if this sounds horrible and unfair to the youtuber who i basically said i hated because they reminded me of me, it is. but dont hate them. i hate me. i hate that i see so much, too much, of me in them. and im a horrible person for doing this because theyre them and im me. no relation whatsoever.
it’s funny, i watch a lot of overly energetic people who seem to be able to somehow upload every day and never get tired and are always cheerful and i always wonder how they are able to keep it up. obviously they’re not like that all of the time. all youtubers have a certain amount of fabricated persona, it’s just part of being in the public eye. heck i have part of a fabricated persona. everyone does. ive always said that i can’t really connect to these youtubers just because their lives and personalities are just the complete opposite of mine. i can’t ever really get into their heads or really fully relate to them because they’re happy and they have a purpose and they like what they’re doing. and that’s good for them! being happy is a good thing! but i just dont relate to them as people all that much. they’re just people i watch when i want to have a nice fun time to distract myself from the crushing nothingness i feel. a nice escape i guess.
but anyway, i always thought id probably relate to people who were more like me? but this youtuber was probably too much like me. to the point that i couldnt bear to watch me any longer. because then i remember how much i hate me and that basically defeats the point of me going on youtube to distract myself in the first place.
i do actually watch other sad people too. i cant watch them long either. and it really sucks because i genuinely enjoy their videos. they’re not all about being sad. some of them make me think, some of them are just fun. but it isnt really something i would like to consume on a regular or daily basis. i find a day, i watch a load of everything, and then i take time to think about what ive seen and then i leave to distract myself with the happy people again.
man, sad people are just fuckn messed up. you know how they say people don’t like being around sad people because they bring their moods down and would rather be with happy people instead? apparently sad people can’t find camaraderie in other sad people either because if you meet an asshole sad person like me, id also like to see other happy people. man. we are fucking fucked up people.
basically tldr im sad and im projecting this onto someone else and being a ginormous dick in the process goodnight
#dont reblog#personal#oh looky this asshole is whining again what else is new#idk i'll probs delete this in the morning im just rambling#i needed to bleed out the poison my body refused to let me sleep otherwise
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