#i cant get a job or a partner or go to college or move out or even just fucking. go to a store and ask for help with my laptop.
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As time goes by I'm becoming more and more sure that I just can't survive on my own. I can take basic care of myself, but the second I have to go to a doctor or do some formal stuff I get paralyzed. I just can't. Fuck, I can barely even talk to strangers in general. Or even not strangers, I can't fucking text someone back if I'm not close to them, it's just so scary and exhausting. I'm becoming emotionally tired more easily and sometimes even talking with my mom about anything is too much for me and I love my mom. And I really need her, I can't do basic stuff without her pretty much holding my hand all the time. I can't get a normal job. We went to this blueberry plantation a few times but I just couldn't go there without her, and now the job is over and we can't go there at all. If I wasn't such a fucking baby I'd go there a few more times alone and get some money. I can't make calls, there's literally like two people I feel comfortable talking on the phone with. People used to say I was mature for my age when I was younger but I never grew up and now I'm almost 21 and can't do anything with my life. I'm scared of everything, I'm constantly exhausted physically and mentally. I'm like a fucking child. I'm scared that I'm gonna have to live with my mom my whole life. I can't see a future for myself, I'm just not able to survive without help and at some point I won't be able to get help, I don't want to be a parasite living off of my mom's money but I don't see anything else I could do. I hate my brain so much. I hate the way it refuses to work. I hate myself for being such a child.
#you know theres this weird idk. impostor syndrome about me and my autism#like on one hand i know that autism is a disability. but on the other i cant think of myself as disabled#cause im not 'autistic enough'. because i can keep myself fed and clean and healthy and alive as long as im provided with everything i need#but then i have a full on breakdown because my new laptop doesnt work and i have to go to the store to have it checked/replaced#i wanna throw up just thinking about it#i cant do anything without my moms help#i wanna throw up and cry and die when theres too much happening around me. i cant survive in the real world. i just can't#i cant get a job or a partner or go to college or move out or even just fucking. go to a store and ask for help with my laptop.#i feel like im destined to live w my mom forever and not achieve anything and die alone#i keep talking about wanting to make a living with my art but thats bullshit. i do want that but i know it's not possible for me#i cant even fucking finish the commissions i already have. im scared to get new ones. im scared to do anything.#my brain refuses to let me work on anything#and yeah i am burnt out after my diploma and exams and all that but at some point i just have to admit im not built for that. for anything.#im built to live like a parasite baby and die#my mom is too good of a person to kick me out but i wouldnt blame her. im useless. i cant make money. i cant take care of myself#i dont know what to do#bee buzz
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#there has been so much going on this last week or two that i dont even know how ive been functioning as a person#i graduated college but i dont get to have the time to really comprehend that acomplishment#because we have to find a job and move by the start of june instead of august like we planned#so i found a job and started working#but it has a 3 hr round trip commute#and since i cant drive my wife has to take me there and just wait around the city for 8 hrs#so fae hasnt been able to find a job because fae is to busy taking me to and from work#we did manage to find a nice appartment! and we start moving in on the first!#but neither of my partners have done a big move before so i feel like im left trying to juggle everything myself#and then on top of that ive been dissociating so much i cant keep anything straight#i have a planner that seems to be filled out pretty well at least and im factually fairly present i think#but everything feels muffled and everything i do feels like its going through a bunch of filters before it reaches me#like we'll make a call to the appartment place#and i wont have processed we even decided to make the call in the first place until the call is done#and emotionally im completely detatched#i know i must be stressed and thats why im like this but i dont think i feel it?#idk. i just needed a place to ramble#shade speaks#thanks to anyone who listened ^^
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Could you do A, C, I, G, K, L, and P for EJ in the fluff alphabet? It would make me reallyyyy happy :3
Fluff Alphabet w/ EJ!!
ive been waiting for someone to do EJ you dont understand!!! i saw this earlier but the power went out when i finally had time to sit down and get to writing </3 my apologies
as for other stuff/for everyone else, requests are still open, and the fluff alphabet will be open indefinitely!!
ATTRACTION- Honestly I think you gotta be a real catch to end up as Jacks partner, considering his entire hermit thing... I personally think that he separates himself from society after he becomes Eyeless Jack via a funky cult sacrifice thing... which he was kinda pretty much unwillingly roped into. I think he would want someone who's capable of taking care of themselves, and perhaps someone whos smart. maybe even lower maintenance. its not that he doesnt want to treat you as you deserve, its that sometimes he cant given he sometimes legitimately goes feral (though this is only really due to him pushing off his needs, blood frenzy type deal for when he pushes off eating people, can get real ugly). understanding as well, he needs someone whos willing to be understanding of his position and current predicament and know that eventually jack is going to fully not. be there anymore one day (possible angst idea? ooo?) but also even before the whole, demon thing, jack wasnt the most cheery or social and things definitely havent changed
CUDDLING- hes really cold so thats good for hot nights! not good for cold ones though </3 but hey maybe you guys are somewhere where its perpetually hot. as for the actual act of cuddling, he prefers to be the big spoon. likes sleeping closer to the door, kinda makes a barrier of himself for you in case someone were to come in. which is unlikely since if this were his place, its literally a cabin in the woods in bumfuck nowhere, but the point still stands. only engages if youre asleep or ask for it. if youre the one holding him, he kinda. freezes still and doesnt dare move. poor dude, hes so scared hes going to bite you or something
GIFT GIVING- since he lives in the woods and doesnt have a job he cant exactly go out and give you gifts. he also isnt fond of taking belongings from victims, since he already takes pieces of their bodies. coughs. anyways, i think hes more of an act of service person (will talk more about that in L)
INJURY- youre in luck, he had plans to be a doctor, thats what he was going to college for! plus i think he had a little fixation on medical stuff in general growing up. little hc that his other choice was to be a microbilogist. idk, i can see it. but i dont think it needs to be said that neither became reality. but he does know how to treat some injuries and illnesses! so youre both in luck! but how does he react, emotionally? honestly, as long as youre not bleeding while hes in his frenzied state hes more than willing to help you... although its more so because he doesnt want the scent to trigger anything in him... he cares about you, i promise! its just that ultimately its better he doesnt go feral on you- now if he was the one injured hes already patching himself up... oh but imagine convincing him to let you clean up a wound he got while trying to do his thing.... ouuuugh... let the man be vulnerable, let him be taken care of... ueueue... anyways- yeah
KISSES- he doesnt wear his mask when hes at your place or his cabin- in fact he only really wears it when hes 'hunting' or 'prowling', so!! loves kissing your cheek. will absolutely refuse to kiss you if hes just ate, though, let him wash his face and brush his teeth first. and change his clothes. he likes being kissed anywhere; forehead, mouth, cheeks, hands, ect ect ect. now in terms of frequency i dont think he likes it too often, but that may be some internalized thing about no longer being worthy of love or something but hey who am i to say (loudly winks)
LOVE LANGUAGE- as previously mentioned, acts of service is how jack shows his appreciation and love for you. need something done? hes on it! need to do some chores but dont feel like it? you dont even need to ask! stuff like that, hell, even if something doesnt need to be done he will probably tinker at it and try to make it better if its an appliance or something that can be upgraded to be more efficient and effective. when it comes to receiving he likes words of affirmation, this man has been through hell and hes still going through it, so reassuring him that you still love him even though hes changing makes things a little less scary
PET NAMES- he likes calling you babe and baby. he likes being called hon! doesnt really do petnames, he finds saying someones name intimate enough... which honestly i kinda agree with, i kinda hate how utilized it is in romantic media. just two characters loving each other, sharing a moment, and one softly utters the others name in a sweet tone. GUH!!!! anyway
#creepypasta headcanon#creepypasta x reader#creepypasta x you#eyeless jack x reader#eyeless jack x you#eyeless jack imagine#eyeless jack headcanon
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can u tell us more abt al and smunker lore!!
its not really anything tangible or even interesting its just the current backdrop for my little continuous daydream i explore before sleeps
Foundational info:
(in past) Cow Al is struggling to recover from emotional crisis experienced in college (traumatic relationship), + tries to hold down some jawb but finds himself unable to stay in that environment away from home (none of his "friends" acknowledge the turmoil which makes him feel more lost), + moves back to family farm.
He likes doing different kinds of manual jobs which are always needed around + he does have that "my parents are my best friends" thing going on so he kind of just stays there to present day.
He lives in a little, idk what else to call it but a mobile home, but its the longer rectangular ones ykwim, some ways off the main Hub. (Also there's lots of focus on community in my furryverse + there's lots of non al family furs living in and working on the place + sharing resources and work and such. Its not a HUGE place but its big ^_^)
Anyway, Smunker moves in to the little forest that you cld walk to from the farm area. He lives in a little sunken tree stump den thing hee heeeee. Not many other furs live there, + there's actually more Lesser Animals (what i call just regular non furry animals) present
-
The two of em meet at a grocery store, there was a relevant little point here that I forgot, which was that one of em wasn't even supposed to be there that first day for (x reason). Whatever.
The area that Cow Al lives in doesn't have very many Different looking furs. Al's family is actually all natural colors too. So he sees this pink smunk and goes a little insane (positive) (he promises later its not just because smunker looks different, but it was what drew his eye) but they never really interact (al keeps going to that same store Just In Case lol) until one day (cliche incoming) the little wheeled ladder that helps smaller furs get to higher shelves isn't available + he gets to help smunker get something from high up (he all but runs to be able to be the person to do this LOL)
Al actually has game + is confident, he's just out of practice from prior Events. He loves being social and misses making/being able to make friends so he does in fact manage to build up on interactions with Smunker...they become friends ➡️ realize they live close to each other.
Al actually accidentally damages smunker's home at some point by accident, + houses them while it's fixed, and there's another instance where smunker gets his leg caught in an illegal bear/foot trap on the walk back home at night, and then Al is also adamant on keeping an eye on him while he heals (+ is also the one who had to go help him get out of said trap...its literally a whole dramatic thing.)
I think I'm keeping both of these events as canon because it leads to the funny little situation of Al being like no wayyyyy i actually for real like this guy now that we've spent more time together like this...i need him to sleep on my belly to live :3 and cant stop having weird dreams about him. Idk if he feels the same. heeeeeeeeeelp. While skunker is like. Im for real going to kill myself for inconveniencing this person. He probably thinks im the biggest nuisance ever. I've overstayed my welcome for sure.
I haven't yet decided on the event that gets em Together. Might just be a little "date" at nearby ducky pond or something LOL. Skunker is shocked either way like huhh I didn't even know you liked me... Al has to get used to having a small partner again + navigate a relationship that doesn't suck ass again. Smunker has to get used to having big nice bf who cares about them. They like each other
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things i cant get, but would help:
paper plates/bowls
pre-washed/chopped veggies + pre-prepared food(ramen is great but not nutritionally too great and i cant eat nothing but that lmao)
a gallon of water in my room so i don't have to get up to refill my water bottle
similarly, safe foods in my room so i don't have to get up to get them/prepackaged snacks in general
a cane
noise canceling earbuds/earplugs/something to help with sensory issues
id love a working dishwasher, but those cost money, but i think a chair to sit in while i wash dishes would be really helpful
similarly, a chair in the shower
a place to sit/lay that isn't the floor or my bed. it's hard to get up off the floor, and my bedframe is broken- besides, my therapist recommended i only use my bed for sleeping, but i have nowhere else to sit/lay
a weekly pill organizer- although i anticipate struggling with remembering to refill it, it would be so much easier to remember to take my meds+vitamins if they're all portioned out and in my room
dry shampoo. i really struggle with showering already, and now my shower water smells weird and there's a several inch gap in the floor that smells moldy. however, greasy, stiff hair is a sensory nightmare, and the thought of going outside with hair so greasy it looks soaking wet makes me feel really insecure and ashamed.
here's a slight rant:::
a lot of these things are really accessible- like a pill organizer or a gallon of water, but im unemployed. i cant afford a one-time, ten-dollar purchase, let alone a weekly purchase like gallon jugs of water. im in college full-time and it's exhausting, but i feel like i can't leave.
i still live with one of my parents. i was supposed to move out after graduating but i was in the hospital seven times last year so i couldn't hold down a job and move out. my mother really wants me out of the house, and i understand why- i struggle to keep myself and my environment clean, to the point where it inconveniences her. because of this, she only pays for the essentials, which means she'll buy me "staple foods" like bread and eggs, and she pays my phone bill. i appreciate both these things- they help me a lot- and they're not the only things i need to be able to take care of myself. im hopefully moving in with my partner by the end of the year, but even then, i feel terrible inconveniencing her by asking her to buy me so many things when she works minimum wage. i've been trying to apply for disability but the process seems daunting.
rant over!!! i hope you all have a lovely day, and remember to drink some water!!!
#catboyspeaks#catboycassie#idk man#actually autistic#chronic pain#invisible disability#mental health
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i think i've finally realized that my life has spun out of my control and I don't know what to do about it.
so much has happened over the past 3 weeks and all of it is stressing me out. there's the usual stressful things; constant exhaustion, several different mental illnesses as well as chronic physical illnesses that have no known cause and the 'cure' is temporary and messes with my pills if I don't schedule everything correctly, so I just deal with the physical pain. my parents won't let me have control over my money or medical
but the new shit over the past 3 weeks has been... bad.
No adderall, i'll be moving out of state to California soon, one of my ex-partners broke up with me and, even though I know it'll only be temporary until I move back here, it still hurts. My other partner is dealing with homelessness. And though I've helped, I still feel like I've not done enough, that I'm not enough at all. my plan to go to family in Indiana rather than California where my current family is moving to fell through, and all my expectations of living on my own have come to a crashing halt.
i need my family for things like shelter, food, etc. i can't stay or go anywhere else. I'm turning 27 on the third, and my dad tells me that I'm the problem. That I need a job, to move forward in life despite him knowing that I'm mentally disabled. I'm on SSI, but I'm called a lazy asshole by my stepmother cause I don't do the dishes the way she wants me to do them. Though she moved to California already, I'm not looking forward to seeing her again. She's rude and doesn't like me because I dropped out of college and cant' recall to do my chores all the time because I have ADHD and severe depression that the pills aren't helping with as much as they should. I'm gonna have to get a part-time job just to pay for the antidepressant treatment I need. Dad says that it's my fault I dropped out of college. That if I just stuck through it, despite me telling him I was dealing with suicidal thoughts because of college and panicked cause I didn't want to die. He doesn't understand that just cause I don't want to die doesn't mean that magically I won't kill myself after long enough of dealing with the stress.
I had my last therapy appointment with my therapist today and won't be getting another one for a while. I only realized the size of my stress just now after thinking about how I've been wanting to destroy my stuff lately.
I want out
i want out so badly
haha, i tie my art with my self-worth, and isn't that dumb?
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Dude you have pokemon OCs? THAT'S SO COOL! Can I hear about them?
YES YES YES okok so they dont have official designs yet because i actually kinda . struggle with character deisgn but i LOVE WRITING FOR THEM
small warning for like ?? child endangerment ??? its pokemon and theres mew science involved par for the course www also theres a dead mom mention skdbwksbsj
...
okay this is post-writing robin this is SUCH A LONG POST AKDHSIDBD IM SORRY I LOVE THEM SO BAD i wrote such extensive lore
so barkley ( 27 ) is a scientist on the mew project and had some hand in the mewtwo experiments ( his partners ars a ditto and a zorua ) , and hes already a bit of a mess . he loved science as a young boy and met his sweetheart in college , and they bonded over their adoration for science and nature . they were even engaged !! but once his partner found out he was going to be apart of the mew experiments , the engagement was broken off and barkley had to move all the way across the world basically to work on the project since hes from kalos . his family , being his older brother ( 35 ) , his baby sister ( 6 ) , and his sickly mom , also didnt agree with the mew experiments , so when he moved out of the family home , they told him not to return unless he had burned his labcoat and never spoke about science again . barkley finds out via email while still traveling that his mother succumbdd to her illness , and it just solidifies to him that he really cant go back even if he wanted to
barkley is already really disillusioned and cynical , so when the other scientists tell him they want to mix human dna with mews dna to create a pokemon / human hybrid , he agrees only because he has nothing left to lose . he doesnt agree with the experiments on a moral level , but his bridges are burned , so what the hell
blah blah science things happen and tadaaa !! a cute baby girl is born !! purple pink hair and bright blue eyes , like mew as a human , except yknow . kinda but not really . but hey !! success !! the scientists have fuck all idea of what to do now
so the baby is raised until preschool age ( around 3 to 4 ) in the laboratory facility , but the mewtwo experiments have started by now . things are getting dangerous . the team decides that the mew child needs to live elsewhere , but nearby , and everyone chooses barkley for the job since a few of them knew he had some childcare experience prior to taking care of the lababy
so he takes the baby girl home and is told not to come to the lab unless its for the girls checkups . shes also not to go in public , as a human with pokemon dna wasnt actually accepted by anyone ( shocker !! ) , so she grew up only seeing barkley and other scientists
as the girl grows , they discover shes severely anemic , and her legs are weak . a side effect of the mew dna , they suggest , so they give her some leg braces until shes old enough for things like canes and walkers . by 10 , the girl prefers a wheelchair , as her legs are just . shot like they hurt too much for her to walk on for long , they completely lose feeling inconsistently , and her knees buckle a lot . mew side effects the scientists say
but other than the mobility issues and supplements for the anemia , the girl is a very happy little thing , always smiling and reading and happily playing with her toy teddiursa . though theres another issue — as another side effect of the mew dna , and the fact that shes so isolated , the girl gets overwhelmed very easily . she has some psychic abilities , such as telekinesis , that she cant control very well . thus , when she begins to get overwhelmed or stressed , anything small within a 3ft radius will start to levitate and shake . the worse her emotional state is , the wider her ramge expands , and the more violent things get . her largest episode happened on the day of mewtwos escape , due to a faint psychic link she shares with it , and the effects of her meltdown were seen in shattered windows and overturned cars within a 25ft radius of barkleys apartment
after that phenomenon , the research lab in its entirety was exposed , and axed of course , we all know that story . the girl , being 12 by this time , was allowed to live freely with barkley by decision of all champions and government officials . she was an innocent party , and barkley had spent so much time and dedication raising her that they declared him innocent , as well
so they move to unova , where they live for a while , and the girl finally gets her name here . you see , even the government didnt name the child , and barkley was only allowed to call her by her lab-given title of mew-c 04 , or just 04 ( said like zero four ) . so while in unova , they visit the renowned ferris wheel , and there they meet n . due to her mew dna , the girl can also speak with pokemon to an extent , although she still struggles with it at times
with barkley still watching over her , the two end up visiting that area often so n and his pokemon can help the girl hone her psychic abilities . she even learns how to use her telekinesis to help hold herself up until she can get to her mobility aids and / or move them closer to herself , and she ends up being able to move things up to 100lbs ( around 45kg ) with her abilities . she even learns a bit of telepathy , so she can communicate to barkley even when apart in case of emergencies . n because an older brother of sorts to the girl , and he asks barkley to give her a real name
thus , the girl was further known as fherris !!
n refers to fherris as barkleys daughter , although barkley himself disagrees , as he still just views himself as nothing more than a nanny , and fherris calls him " mr . bar " . but dont worry , that changes with time ! they never really got to bond before the mew labs were closed , so over the course of their story , thats when we really get to see them bond ^^
theres so much more to their story , like how in my storyline there is no ash , so its actually fherris and barkley who get mixed up with yveltals reawakening when they eventually move back to kalos , but thats the big stuff out of the way !!
#pkmn posting#luci ocs#this isnt even getting into how they were originally designed in tandem with a pair of siblings ocs for my fan region#i have such an extensive pkmn oc lore story its genuinely insane#i love pkmn so much i love WRITING so much combining them is the best thing ive ever done and i love talking about them#oh man wait until i tell you guys about the fan region siblings sksbrjsbskbwj#fherris ( oc )#barkley ( oc )
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20221023
it’s been so long since i posted something on this account. so much has changed and happened. i had a baby and i got married to the person i never thought i would actually get to marry. i moved back into the country and am now working somewhere else. my mom and i are talking again. my grandma is coming to visit in a couple of months and my bestfriend from work is my babys godfather.
i dont think i was meant for this parenting life. at least not yet. i understand that i should have been more careful but i never expected to actually get pregnant. the doctor told me i might not be able to. so i took her words heavy and honestly just began to stop caring about protection and thought me getting pregnant would be a miracle. if this had happened maybe 5 years from now i definitely would have been more prepared and would probably be a better parent. i see all these moms on tiktok and it looks like they have their entire lives put together perfectly. i want to have that life. to not be so mentally ill that I have to lie to stay out of psychwards and not risk losing my job over something i cant control. it is such a burden at times. today i was just in complete depressed slump. i was walking around like a zombie because i didnt want to get out of bed. my doctor said my postpartum depression is adding on to the depression i had before birth. i am on the maximum dosage of my medication. if this doesnt help me i dont know what will. the mood swings are still there but theyre much more intense nowadays. i dont know how to get it under control. i feel like i am just slowly losing my ind and one day i will lose it completely. i just hope my child is out of the house so they dont have to see it. i feel bad for my husband because he tries to be so patient but sometimes i feel like too much. my mother in law says that anytime im feeling bad about myself that its not really me. it’s demons attempting to bring me down and ultimately destroy me. part of me believes that but i never really was one to follow religion. she also brought up admitting myself voluntarily to an inpatient clinic. i really did think about it because now i barely know what the day is most of the time. i just want to lay in bed until i waste away. hopefully me going back to work and getting back on a schedule will help me but i highly doubt that it will. my therapist asked if i would like to quit my job. i told her i would but that i cant because i get a steady paycheck and have no other way to pay for college when i decide to go. i feel so bad for thinking this way but i really am having a hard time seeing the bright side of things. my head is constantly plagued with thoughts of my husband cheating on me, leaving me, or regretting his decision to marry me. he tells me all the time that he doesn’t think those things and he doesn’t regret marrying me. I just don’t know why i have such a hard time believing him and honestly i feel like a really shitty partner for even having the slightest thought of him doing so. he never once talked to another female in a flirting manner even when we were trying to build a relationship. i understand my worries stem from watching how my parents relationship ended. that really fucked up my views on love. but now i am trying to create a healthy space for my child to grow up in. i hope i succeed.
-jade
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i wish my friends would talk to me voluntarily
#this is painful#two of them are getting married next year while i’m expecting to be out of the country#and then the year after that they’re moving to germany and i know they’ll never talk to me again#like i wish i was smart enough and skilled enough to go to college and work and to be able to do that but i literally cant do it#im so sad and lonely#trauma and not being able to see any of them in person is killing me right now#not to mention my job#between trying to process my emotional neglect as a child and work and trying to have a half assed one sided social life isnt working#none of it is#and i wanted to see them this weekend but apparently theyre doing something else and me and my other friend didnt know about it and#their partner didnt say anything to us about it :)#i want to go back to being an emotionless husk please#and to get a new phone with no one on it and just disappear
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Title: filthy rich [2/3]
Pairing: millionare!sakusa kiyoomi x y/n [filthy capitalist au]
Genre: mild romance themes, major angst ahead, a bit of mystery, mafia!au-ish
Synopsis: He was perfect, maybe too damn perfect.
Warnings: mild sexual content, yandere themes, toxic relationships, violence, shady business, class differences, mentions of rape, and sakusa being a manipulative bastard [this fic does not in any way glorify these types of relationships!!!]
Notes: Happy 605 followers guys! Decided to change this into a three part fic since it would be too damn long....I know this is a long overdue chapter hnnng i fucking hate college i cant wait to see sakusa in the new season, how was it guys? I was absolutely thrown off by akaashi even if he only had like a minute or so screentime hnnng...
previous ;; next || series masterlist || taglist
Sakusa Kiyoomi reminded you of an onion.
Over the past three years of going out with him, you seem to find a new layer to him. No longer was he the asshole from that day, he was the sweetest boyfriend, hands down. You were both a bit awkward in terms of affection since you two were treading on unfamiliar territory (much to your surprise, a man like Sakusa Kiyoomi has never been seriously intimate with anyone) but like every other couple out there, you surpassed it. You were now in the receiving end of his soft smiles, warm gaze, and affection.
Although you had your worries like your residency and his company growing bigger and bigger by the day, you started to wonder if you’d last long but the man casted your doubts aside and continued to be faithful to you and everyday you seem to fall deeper and deeper in the rabbit hole.
“...and for the last time, stop buying me expensive things and offering to pay my student loans.” you frowned, stirring the Butajiru for your boyfriend who was coming by today for dinner. Out of spite, early on in the relationship, you had to learn how to cook since Sakusa demanded you to when he learned that you lived a lot on canned foods and unhealthy take-outs. Much to your despise, he even volunteers to pay for your weekly groceries and even got you a ‘for sale’ stove that he apparently can’t return because he misplaced the receipt.
“I don’t get it, don’t partners like it when they’re given gifts all the time?” his brows are upturned, making you scoff. “From past experiences-”
“Are you sure that those weren’t sugar babies?” you cut him off, pointing the wooden spoon on your hand at him, “Because from your description you sound like a sugar daddy.”
“Hey.” He grumbled, walking up to you from behind to envelope you on a hug, “I’m not old enough to be a sugar daddy.”
You shut the stove off and turn to him, placing a brief kiss on the jaw, “You yell at teenagers and complain when it’s too noisy. I think you qualify for a senior discount and a sugar daddy title.” You joked, escaping his grip to grab some bowls so you both could start eating.
“You’re only four years younger than me.”
“Mhm.” You hummed, sticking your tongue out, “Also, aren’t you supposed to be at a party tonight?”
“You weren’t there.”
“Aren’t you required to go?” You frowned, placing the bowl in front of him, “You know I’m not a big fan of those things and you can’t keep handing it over to Komori-san…”
“And you know I hate it when you aren’t there.” He softly repeated.
You roll your eyes and place your own bowl as you sit in front of him, “Always the smooth talker since we met three years ago.” you shake your head.
“Three years, huh.” Sakusa paused, “Speaking of three years, I was thinking…”
You stopped eating and looked up to face him, his face dead serious, “Move in with me.” He asked out of the blue. Your eyes widen and you let down a gulp, your stomach flipping at his words.
“I-” You paused, “I...I can’t…”
Sakusa tilted his head, confused, “What?”
“Don’t get me wrong…” You started, eyes looking at your food, seemingly nervous, “I-I wanna move in with you, my lease is almost up...but…”
“But what?”
“It’s not like I wasn’t going to tell you any sooner but….but i’m moving.”
Silence filled the room that you could almost hear the pin drop, “What do you mean you’re moving?” Sakusa’s voice was void of emotion and it made you scared for the first time. The man wishes you were wrong, wishing that you were just moving someplace nearby but the next words stun him.
“I got accepted for a huge humanitarian work in Medaide.” You gulped, carefully choosing your words as you slither your hands to his, trying to distract him, “We'll be travelling around third world countries, like the dream I've always told you about. I thought, well, I didn't got accepted since I didn't hear from them but it seems like I did.”
“How many months?”
“It’s- It’s a permanent job, I go back once a year…”
Silence enveloped the room, the only thing that could be heard was the faint sound of the bustling city outside. The world seems to have stopped for Sakusa that time.
“Congrats.” Sakusa smiled softly, breaking the silence, “I’m proud of you, bunny.”
Your eyes widen as you immediately leap out the chair and run to your boyfriend’s side, “Thank god!” you exclaimed, sitting on his lap to envelope him in a hug, “I was afraid you’d break up with me.”
You stare at him in the eye, hands on his cheeks, “Now why would I do that?”
“I don’t know, we’d only be seeing each other once a year if i accepted it.” You murmured, kissing him on the temple, “Thanks for being so supportive.”
You don’t notice how his grip tightens a bit on your waist nor the darken look looming over his features, “I’d never let you go, bunny. Never.” he hummed.
You continue on with your little happy bubble with your ever supportive boyfriend, you start shopping for some goodies for your trip that you were scheduled to leave next month. You should’ve known everything was too good to be true.
A week before your trip, the company had called you in and said that you were cut off from the team and that apparently your experience wasn’t enough.
You vividly remember Sakusa rushing to your side mid-day when he should be swamped with work, whispering soothing words in your ear. You were absolutely devastated, the dream job you wanted felt like it slipped away, it took you a month to get back to your feet and actually go out. Despite getting over it, you were discouraged, the words they said echoed on your head, thoughts on how you weren’t performing well back in med school and how your record on residency wasn’t enough.
“Y/N?”
“Oh.” you blinked, looking up to your boyfriend, “Sorry, I spaced out.”
“It’s alright.”
It seemed like the only constant thing in your life now was Sakusa, your friends were busy and they had come and gone, you didn’t want to worry your very busy parents so you didn’t call them about your dilemma. You didn’t want to call your aunt or Hinata about it too since you know they’d tell your parents.
Kiyoomi was the only person who stayed.
He was the only one you trusted.
“Is that roommate thing with you still open?” you suddenly asked, making Sakusa paused mid-movement.
“Of course it is,” He dropped the cutlery he was holding and strode to your side to caress your cheek, “It always is for you.”
“Guess I’ll be able to use my duplicate more often.”
Maybe being a humanitarian doctor wasn’t how it was going to be for you, it took another month for you to actually go and find a permanent job. Sakusa points out that you can take all the time out that you need but you don't want to lounge around and do nothing, you need a good distraction.
So you ended up working for a prestigious hospital as an ER doctor, for a moment, you forgot about Medaide with the help of your new job and your boyfriend.
You were happy.
Really happy.
The idea of staying in Tokyo didn’t actually seem like a bad idea now, you were going to bring it up to your parents and tell them that you wanted to stay here permanently with your boyfriend. They’d probably be happy, Sakusa Kiyoomi is a perfect man.
Until you come to the very sudden realization that he wasn’t.
Kiyoomi hated going out on long distance trips, he always wanted to be next to you or take you with him but this one was apparently too important to skip out so you greet him goodbye and wait for him to come home. Being the good partner you are, you decided to clean the house for your boyfriend. Kiyoomi was an incredibly clean person so you tried to keep your sloppiness to yourself when you moved in a few months ago.
Getting rid of the small dust here and there and throwing some unimportant things on the side, you prepare to throw out the collected garbage but ultimately freeze on your tracks when you find a ripped paper on the garbage dump.
Normally, you don’t do garbage dives.
Why would you?
Yet the name on top along with your boyfriend’s name caught your attention. It was Medaide’s logo, you grabbed the ripped piece of paper and started looking through the garbage dump, it did start to smell but curiosity always got the best of you.
Nervously biting your lower lip, you don’t find all the papers but you find one dated the same week you had broken the news to your boyfriend and the words, “Thank you for your donation and for sending us a group of more competent doctors for this batch.”
Your eyes narrowed as you stood there, shaking, the surge of panic and anxiety bubbling within you made the bile rose on your throat.
What was going on?
Was this really your perfect boyfriend?
Maybe it was all a big misunderstanding, why would your boyfriend do that? What would he even gain? You bite on your fingernails as you walk back and forth in front of the front desk, “Y/N-san?”
You jump on the spot.
“K-Kenjiro-san.”
“You alright there?” Shirabu Kenjiro asked, tilting his head to the side, “You’re not looking very good these days.”
“Y-Yeah…” You gulped, “J-Just thinking about some things.”
“Well, your shift is about to be over. Maybe you can go home earlier? ER’s pretty much dead right now.” Your fellow doctor shrugged, you turned around and let out a sigh, maybe you should request to go home earlier. You needed to rest. All this thinking was getting to your head that you had almost misdiagnosed a patient this afternoon.
“Hey Kenjiro-san.” you ask your workmate, “Can I ask you a question?”
“Shoot.”
“I have a friend.” You gulped down, “They’ve got this perfect relationship and he’s a super great guy...then-then they realize that he did something bad…”
Kenjiro looks up from his paperwork and shoots you his usual upturned brow, “Can you specify what he did?”
“He got in the way of their dreams.”
Kenjiro is silent for a moment as if he was thinking of something deep, “Well if I were that person, I’d leave him. What kind of asshat doesn’t support their partner’s dreams?” he asked, placing his hands on his hips, “Tell your friend that they deserve better and not some asshat who is holding them back.”
“Yeah,” you nodded, he had a very good point, “Yeah, that’s right.”
Kenjiro had a good point there, maybe confronting Sakusa would be a wise choice but as of right now you decided against it, you needed to gather the courage to actually talk to him about it. The thing that scared you the most was how much you loved and trusted the guy too much.
He went through such lengths to get you to stay around, who knows what else he could’ve done?
You shake your head, you were being paranoid yet at the same time you couldn’t help it. Your anxiety towards the situation wasn’t helpful at all and it was spiking up and down.
On your way home, you decided to pass by a local pharmacy because your head hadn’t been feeling very well, “Do you have any pain killers?” you weakly asked the man on the front counter, after giving you your medication, you also decided to buy some extra vitamins because you recalled almost running out of them.
“Oh, we ran out of that brand yesterday.” The pharmacist replied, scrunching his brow in wonder, “Would you like another one? It’s not a generic brand but it’s pretty much the same.”
“Yeah, that’ll do too.” You nodded, after paying for your purchase, you headed home. Fixing up your medicine in your cabinet, you freeze mid-action when you notice how familiar the vitamin looked. Shakily raising your hand to grab your birth-control pills in the medicine cabinet, you almost topple down when you pop it open next to the vitamin you bought.
It was the same.
It was exactly the same.
Before you knew it you were vomiting in the basin, your headache was worsening and the shaking wouldn’t stop.
The idea of the perfect boyfriend was completely erased in your head.
You didn’t look well these past few days, Kiyoomi noticed it because you didn’t even dared to hide it anymore, you wanted to leave him. Not only did he get in the way of whatever you worked hard for but he was trying to get you pregnant without your consent.
You felt utterly disgusted.
You sat at the tub, completely drained from all the events that transpired this past two weeks. The three year perfect streak that he tried to maintain was reduced to nothing but shambles. You wanted to blame yourself for being too stupid and caught up in this sham, your boyfriend was messed up, you wanted to get away but how?
You inwardly sighed, you were stupid. Too stupidly in love and intoo deep the rabbit hole that you hadn't even noticed.
“Y/N?”
Your gaze snapped to find him standing there with an expensive bouquet of flowers, you try to let out a weak smile, “Hey.”
“You’re not looking well.” He commented, placing the flowers on the side as he approached your naked figure on the tub, “Are you alright?”
“Yeah.” you nodded, “Just work.”
“I told you not to overstrain yourself.” He mumbled, bending down to your level, “You might get sick.”
You wanted to cringe away in disgust as he kissed your bare shoulders but you maintained yourself, “It’s fine.” You softly said, “I just have to do my best. I still want to try out for humanitarian work if I get a good recommendation from the hospital.”
You notice the quick shift of expression in his eyes, making you tighten your lips, so there it was.
“Again? I thought-”
“It’s my dream.” You began, trying to give him a smile, maybe, just maybe you can let him see through it, “You know how much I want this.”
“Maybe it’s not meant for you.”
“Excuse me?”
Sakusa Kiyoomi’s eyes widen at the new reaction, your smile turning to a grimace. Over the course of your relationship, you had never been this angry, “Y/N, you know that’s not-”
“Get out.” You shakily say.
“Y/N.”
“I said, Get out, Sakusa.” You yell again, eyes seeing red, the bastard had the audacity to keep pulling you back and doing these things to you. You were downright disgusted at him and everything he was doing, what more would you find? The mere fact that he destroyed your dreams and switched out your birth control had you on edge at the moment and you didn’t want to try to find out anymore, you probably wouldn’t be able to handle it.
He lets out a sigh, “You don’t have to leave the room. I’ll go sleep on the couch.”
You watch him leave and close the bathroom door yet his eyes don’t fool you anymore.
You didn’t feel safe here.
You needed to get out.
Sakusa Kiyoomi is no fool towards your shift of attitude, he knows something is up when you snap at him when you were usually the calmer one (yes, you may be a bundle of energy and spitfire but you were relatively calm in the most part) so he calls the head of your hospital and sits him down, the head is shaking and on his knees, begging him to spare his life and his job for he did not know that you were overworked at all in your department.
“...I watch over her, sir…” the chief shakily exclaimed, “I always do…”
“So, you’re telling me… that my Y/N is a liar?”
The chief immediately freezes up on the spot, “Good lord, of course not! Doctor Y/N would never-”
“What would it be?”
“E-excuse me?”
“Your hands or your life?”
The man immediately cries out, begging him for mercy for he was innocent but Sakusa didn’t care.
He didn’t care at all.
Yes, Sakusa Kiyoomi would do anything for you. If someone were to make you sad, tired, weary, or any negative emotion, he’d strike them down, just like how he paid your friends to stay away, just like how he had subtly shifted your parents work conditions that prevented them from returning to you.
You were his and his only.
No one could get in your ways.
“My name is Doctor Sato, I’ll be your new chief...”
You stare at the new head of the hospital blankly, apparently the previous chief, Doctor Yamomoto, had to retire due to some matters with his family. It was a shame, you really liked him since he was awfully nice to you and everyone in the ward, “...L/N-san?” the older man calls out as soon as the meeting was over.
Your gaze snapped towards him as he tilted his head slightly, you’re completely bewildered by the sudden attention from your new boss, “Are your working conditions alright?”
“Yes, chief.”
“If you have any problem, “ his tight lip turns into a big smile as he places his hand on your shoulder, “Please don’t hesitate to ask.”
You blink at his uncharacteristic request and immediately move back to get away from his grasp, a rather uncomfortable smile made its way to your lips as you nodded, “I’ll take note of that, Chief.”
Thankfully nothing odd happened anymore after the day ended and as you patched up your things, getting ready to go home, you find your one and only boyfriend standing there with another bouquet of flowers in his hands. The sense of familiar dread sinked in once again.
How would you end this all?
The perfect man was a liar and he got in the way but why couldn’t you end things with him quickly? Why couldn’t you cut him off? You were so angry at him yet at the same time you were so lost, where did it go wrong?
“Y/N…” He greets, “How was work?”
“It was fine.” You quietly replied, turning your gaze at the expensive bouquet on his hands once again. Ever since you guys fought, he had been buying you flowers and expensive things but you remained the same, you just didn’t know how to act anymore around him.
“How was your new chief?”
You immediately tense up, as far as you recalled you had only met the chief today and no one knew about this outside the hospital. How the hell did this bastard know?
Sakusa notices you’ve gone too quiet, “Y/N? What’s wrong?” he asks.
“Word travels fast, huh?” you blinked, regaining your composure quickly, something wasn’t right now, you knew that something went deeper than that little Medaide charade he did and switching your pills to get you pregnant, “He’s alright and please stop buying me stuff, didn’t I tell you that we were fine already?”
“Y/N-”
You sighed and leaned in closer, pulling down his mask so that you could give him a peck on his lips. Inside, you felt disgusted but this was the only way now, “Stop acting all cringey and lovey-dovey. I forgive you. Let’s not fight again.” You consoled the tall man.
You notice how soft his eyes became.
Yes, two can play a game.
From stopping you from moving to trying to get you pregnant, it was those things that made you come towards a conclusion that Sakusa Kiyoomi didn’t wanted you to leave his side. The man probably wouldn’t stop at anything, if he was willing to go to such lengths, what more could he do? You let out a tight smile as your boyfriend kisses your temple.
You needed to find a way and quick because the Sakusa Kiyoomi you thought you knew for the past three years was nothing like the Sakusa Kiyoomi in front of you.
taglist [send me an ask if you want to be tagged for the last chapter and as always if i forget to tag, just send me an ask]
@maraudusk ;; @iamnotobsessed ;; @ssuna ;; @weebartistinc ;; @aomineavenue ;; @tsukkismamagucci ;; @onlyshinji ;; @ichiraku-verse ;; @watevermelon ;; @victoriasee ;; @caramelcandescence ;; @n-nara ;; @bloody-bella ;; @ricefarmerkita ;; @paripedia ;; @srhlsx ;; @craftyfawns ;; @kepchups ;; @soggycardboardd ;; @vinnieluv ;; @dinablossom
@kn0xiousnight @newfriendjen
[can’t tag you guys uwu just make sure ur tags are open :<]
#haikyuu imagines#haikyuu x reader#sakusa kiyoomi x reader#sakusa x reader#sakusa kiyoomi imagines#haikyu!! fanfics#haikyuu scenarios#yandere warning!!!#yandere!sakusa#filthy rich#📝📝.Filthy rich series#hostclub.adulting
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first line game
thank you for the tags @littlerockerao3 and @salty-wench, i haven’t done one of these in a while and this one was super fun to compile (fair warning this IS quite long)
rules: list the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). see if there are any patterns. choose your favourite opening line. then tag 10 of your favourite authors.
pieces of you stuck on me (but i’m careless and i’m wicked) -- a rickon x lyanna fwb multichap
He’d woken up alone, something he was often used to, but in the last months, he had grown more accustomed to waking up beside just one particular person. More or less a year if he was being honest with himself. But he wasn’t completely alone either, he was just alone in her bed.
we both coincide (when the world’s wasting time) -- a rickon x lyanna story that shows their relationship spanning over a few years
The moon is already out when he still finds himself at her side. She’s solid and warm in his embrace, swaying lazily with him to the strumming harp and the melodic voice that sing the words that seem to weave their way in his head, taking root as he tries to focus on just being there with her.
in the highlands of our dreams -- a single dad!rickon x lyanna fic that’s a lot on the softer side than my usual work
Most of his life had felt like there was an errant thumb on the fast forward button. At times he knew it had much to do with the way his thoughts often ran too fast, and even with long enough legs to chase them, they just kept their brisk pace. Other times, he wasn’t so much to blame.
watch me wary -- a rickon x lyanna fic where rickon goes off the grid for a few years and has to come back to face his family (aka rickon’s apology tour)
“You’re late again, kid.”
He rolled his eyes despite the verity in the statement. Pulling off his helmet, he held a hand out to shake the shorter man’s hand.
watch me wary (prequel) [title in progress] -- set in the stormlands 2 years after rickon leaves home and involves him falling in love with steffon seaworth
There was a feeling between relief and guilt that followed leaving home. Often times thought of as ‘running away’ or ‘disappearing’, at least ‘leaving home’ sounded so much more tempered.
an empire for two -- a canon-divergent robb x theon & rickon x lyanna fic which involves established throbb and an arranged marriage for lyckon
It was warmer inside the castle. It always was; with the hot water from the springs running through its walls, the castle lived and breathed through each change of season, chilling winters and weeping summers, not buckling for any.
where the stars do not take sides -- a oneshot set in a canon-divergent setting where rickon x lyanna spend a few last hours of peace together before they return to war
The snow falls around them rather gracefully. There’s often peace in the Godswood, and the distant howls of the wolves do nothing to deter from that. Though nightfall has come and its chill alike, they stand stiffly facing one another.
be with you -- a rickon x steffon oneshot that shows their relationship as well as how they fell in love
The floor manages to feel warm despite the hour. If he thinks hard enough, he guesses that they’re one of the only two left there.
His father’s office is littered in papers, stacks of words that blur into one with his boredom. Really what keeps him going is the way the man in front of him continues to push his mop of brown hair back, no matter how many times it falls back into his face as he leans over the glass desk.
sight for sore eyes -- mixed pov which has tommen pining for rickon who is pining for lyanna — true heather style
There’s a moment of reprieve that comes once the moon has passed its apex. Its scattered light plays amongst the stars that pepper the sky and the hazy streetlights that guide them through the night.
to feel like gold -- a lyanna x myrcella oneshot where myrcella chooses to indulge in a little rebellion with the girl that’s been on her mind for months
The room is almost too bright for her liking. It hardly fits her resentment. The brisk night air streaming through her windows suits her well enough, rippling over her arms in goosebumps as she feels the frown between her eyebrows deepen.
forest fires -- an arya x gendry oneshot set with a lunar eclipse and a brief moment of repose for the couple
The night’s brisk breeze doesn’t unsettle him like it used to.
It’s still cold though. The wind makes the hair on his arms stand up and he wonders why he hadn’t thought to wear a jumper over his thin cotton t-shirt.
help! -- a stark family -smutty crack fic- that involves ned and cat accidentally stumbling into each one of their kids in precarious situations with their partners
It almost felt like nothing had changed like her children were all still children. Like they’d never flown the coup. But as she stood there, holding a jug of freshly squeezed orange juice, she knew that a lot had changed, that every one of her kids had grown up, fallen in love and were seemingly happy. It flooded her with such relief to know so, though the still gentle tug at her heart was there, telling her that her babies would no longer run to her begging to be held after a nightmare.
it’s all hope -- canon compliant robb x theon oneshot that involves a love confession before theon sets off to pyke
Much like the fire within the hearth that beckoned him with its flickering warmth, he felt disquiet within himself.
The air felt thick, far more humid than that of the North’s. He could easily make out the Red Fork by where he stood, pulling at the laces of his tunic. It unsettled him, the rushing water, so fresh, unlike the brine of his home.
take one last look back-- a jon x satin drabble where the couple has a little spat in the car
The wind becomes distracting. With the way it whistles through his ears, blowing at those perfect curls of his, it even makes it abundantly clear how much his eyes sting.
When he leans back in his seat, his eyes meet the rearview mirror, where he can see his grey eyes, dark and stormy, the perfect juxtaposition to the gleaming sun that threatens a headache.
second nature -- a rickon x lyanna drabble that has a drunk rickon confessing his affections for his best friend, lyanna
She’s sitting in her car with one leg crossed when she sees him take a minute to check each side of the road before crossing. It’s 4 am, her car is really the only one on the road.
Her car is flanked on the side of the road and it’s completely unsurprising that his first instinct is to lower himself to her opened window and flash his stupidly white grin at her.
a troubled mind -- a robb x theon oneshot, after his parents’ deaths, robb overloads himself with responsibility and on the verge of falling apart he seeks comfort in the one person who’s always been there for him
He’s never gotten the opportunity to let it all get to him. There’s never been time for it. Not when there’s always been at least one other person that needs the safety his arms provide.
It’s part of being the oldest son, he tells himself far too often.
calmest wave -- an arya x gendry drabble, a post-show canon fix it where the couple are parents in the stormlands
The shattering waves could still be heard, breaking onto the rocky coast of Shipbreaker’s Bay, even from where they walked, with withered leaves crumbling underfoot.
There was tranquillity within the godswood, interspersed by the humidity carried across the Summer Sea and yet he still felt a breeze pick up, cooling him down as he gently held the small hand in his palm.
you were just dancing on your own -- an arya x gendry drabble where arya seeks comfort with gendry after a bad night
It’s still dark when Arya wakes up in her car; windshield covered in a think layer sleet. Her teeth chatter as she pulls her jumper tighter around herself, yellow haze in her eyes from the streetlights.
She’s in the passenger seat of her car, seat pushed back the most it can go. Her heater doesn’t work, no matter how much she bruises her knuckles against the vents.
high, high love -- an arya x gendry oneshot - set in the pieces of you stuck on me universe. after a few years away, arya returns to the man who she’s always loved
She had been back in Winterfell barely two weeks, in a way, things fell into place, though it was in the most disjointed way possible.
Arya found her footing, day by day, acclimating to the changes she had missed, she had to anyway; this was her family, and no matter how much they had changed, how many things she had missed, they made her feel like home, and she was back home now, for good.
stubborn-hearted blue -- an arya x gendry oneshot where arya moves into the same building as a man she had a fwb arrangement during her college days
She was still adjusting to life in the new city.
Arya hadn’t been in the Riverlands since university, and at this point, it felt like a lifetime ago, a distant memory, more like a dream. But now she had been back for almost a month and boxes still littered her living room, still waiting to be unpacked. between her new job and just trying not to pass out as soon as she was back home, there wasn’t much room for unpacking.
okay WOW i cant believe that managed to date back to over a year. this is pretty much a whole year of my writing summarised in opening lines.
if it isnt obvious, about half of these have yet to be posted, but this was still fun to give a little teaser for those ones.
i’ll be tagging @yanak324, @evax3, @selkiedams, @livhatesolives, @lightninginabottle0613, @watersandwolves, @estrangedandwayward, @jeynepoole, @sneetchstar, @treaddelicately, @bobafettsslut, @nalgenewhore
also, hi! enjoy!
ps, i hope everyone is taking care of themselves and keeping safe x
#i havent been active much in a long time#this is the most active ive been in the last 6 months and that's because im back in lockdown#i think i now have a lot more time for this stuff now that life isnt as fast paced as it has been for the last year#tag games#my writing#rickon x lyanna#robb x theon#jon x satin#rickon x tommen#arya x gendry#gendrya#lyckon#throbb#jonsatin#asoiaf fanfiction
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okay so basically my question is, is uni as fun as it looks?
i'm 23 and never went, i couldn't even finish college bc of mental health and then i never knew what i wanted in life so thought it didn't matter that i didn't go right away and i kept meaning to like figure it out but then i fell into a job i really like and have been here for a few years now and am content enough. no one in my family went to uni so it was never expected of me so when i didn't go there were no consequences y'know.
but social media is full of people in/who just graduated uni and it looks so fun that i feel like i've missed out. people posting videos in their new accomodation and with their flatmates and becoming best friends and staying up all night, going out doing random things and just having fun and being young with no expectations, and i feel like i've never experienced anything in my life.
like i did some of it, i moved out but there's no parties, no events or societies or getting off with strangers. and i hate to admit it but i still only have a single friend, not the friend group i always wanted. i've been on nights out a few times but it's always different because i know i have to go to work tomorrow, it's never the carefree "i don't know where i'll wake up and that's fine just living in the moment" type of experience. everything is different as an adult i guess. i'm tired by 8pm and going out until 10 is late for me.
and like i know myself i know i would not do well in uni due to my mental health and i would have dropped out or failed, and honestly i do not want to study i do not do well in education. i like finishing work and not having to worry about homework or whatever, but i really wish i could have experienced the social side of uni. i don't know if i'd have even enjoyed it, and it might have gotten old real quick, but i wish i could have at least tried it. and especially when everyone i work with met their partners and friends at uni, and i'm here doing everything i want to do just on my own because my singular friend doesn't share most of my interests.
but i also know people often exaggerate things on social media, and that lots of people don't share their experiences so i'm not sure whether uni is as fun as it always seems or whether it's just select people only sharing their few good experiences. idk i'm just kind of feeling like my entire life has just passed me by or something idk.
sorry for the dump omg i did not mean to say all that i was just gonna ask the question but lost the plot a bit 😭
i think the thing with uni is that like most things it is what you make of it. its a wonderful opportunity to hang out with people your own age, party and ignore your lectures and make stupid decisions bc youre on your own for the first time, and theres no other situation where youre gonna be so free to do what you want, but even when youre there that opportunitys only there if you take it. i went uni for three years, spent half of it violently depressed and not getting out of bed or doing any work, fucked up my actual degree and left with precisely one friend that im still in contact with. so even if youre in the position to be having the time of your life its very easy to waste it and end up having had no fun at all.
it sounds like you wouldnt have enjoyed the actual studying and what you're envious of is purely the social side. and tbf the social part of it does get old quickly, i spent my entire third year living with my best friend just watching crap tv every night instead of ever leaving the house or seeing anyone else. but also, theres no reason you cant create that social life for yourself! all the parties and that i went to at uni were just club nights in town or occasionally at the student union, you dont have to be invited or know anyone before you go.
and as miserable as it is to do and as trite as it sounds, you can make friends even when you're not forced together by school or uni or student accomodation. coworkers, friends of friends, roommates, online mutuals who don't live hundreds of miles away, you can ask those people to hang out and see where you can get from there. and as much as it sickens me to say bc i sound like my mum, theres always societies and events and stuff you can join if you go looking. most my adult friendships have only stayed in my life bc ive put effort into them and made a point of seeing those people and actively making plans. fucking sucks shit but thats the nature of being an adult, when youre not forced together by circumstance every day you have to cling to every friendship youve got and dig your claws in hard
but i hope you do okay! and i think you will
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WHAT IF... SANDERS SIDES BUT MAKE IT A TROPEY TEEN BEACH AU
Endgame!LAMP. Dukeceit, Remile
Just 2k stream of consciousness words from a plunny that grew legs
TW for v slight underage drinking, one joking mention of violence, and a non-specific discussion of intrusive thoughts
-Janus has just moved there because his parents wanted to start a new "adventure" and he is a Stereotypical Teenager. Very "ugh MOM I wanna go back to my FRIENDS for my LAST SUMMER BEFORE COLLEGE"(most of his friends suck. He should not spend time with them. He does not know this)
His Parents buy him a surfboard and tell him to try it out as a way to get him to Shut Up
Hes a Skater Boy(cue music) so he picks it up super fast from like,,, youtube videos
-He gets told to Get a Job if he wants to like, keep buying surf gear?
All the local kids work at like one restaurant/yacht club type place right on the beach
Janus gets hired as a host
-Logan is a beach badge checker, Patton, Roman, and Remus are beachfront restaurant waiters but Roman just Really Wants To Surf, Emile and Virgil are Lifeguards, and Remy is a bartender
-Janus is Very Good At Customer Service because Fake Smiles
Patton recognizes this Immediately
He shows him the Rage Closet which is a tiny room with an arm chair that locks from the inside where you can punch a pillow on your break when it gets to be Too Much
-Janus is Attached now and there is no getting rid of him
Patton Fully Endorses this and introduces him to the rest of the group
Janus Knows Immediately that LAMP is In Love but says nothing because he aint no snitch
-Remus surfs, but he also always wear a thong while doing it
Roman wears a full wetsuit and somehow still gets Board Rash. Remus is somehow immune and it infuriates him
-Janus, not knowing that the twins live right on the beach cuz they are RichTM: Hey Ree I kinda wanna learn how to surf would you be able to teach me
Remus, who religiously watches Janus surf every morning, but is absolutely willing to play this game: Yeah absolutely
Patton, later: “lets rinse off at the twins they’re right here” Janus: theyre.... What?!
-Meanwhile, elsewhere, Virgil and Roman are double teaming Logan to drag him into the water with them cuz he’s pouting about losing a debate with their manager about how he didn’t really be mean to the dudebro who wanted to get his buddies onto the beach without paying, he was just enforcing the rules. And if the dude was so offended by Logan’s Very Accurate Dragging that he complained to management then, well, that’s his problem not Logan’s
-Logan is never without a book. Ever. And its always a different book. Janus is starting to think he owns a library
One day he is just... reading a Physics textbook. Not taking notes or anything. Just reading.
Roman is Very Very Alarmed by this because he is Gay and Math is Scary
"Roman I'm also gay that is not a determining factor"
"Yeah but you can't drive"
"...fair"
-the first time janus has a shift with the twins, he cant stop staring, not just because hes like,,, super attracted to Remus but also because they are like Chaos Incarnate and yet somehow get the most tips??? He doesn't understand???
It's just cuz they are both Huge Flirts and Flatterers and the patrons dont care that they're not-so-subtly beating the shit out of each other right there on the dining floor because theyre just so charming
-one of the bartenders gets aggressively snapped at by a customer and called "sweetheart" and before Janus can even begin to react Remy is there, sunglasses off, fire in his eyes, telling them to settle their bill and get the fuck out
Janus, used to City Restaurants- "Wont you get in trouble with the owner?!"
Remy, who knows Nothing Else But This- "What?? Not likely I only did it cuz Thomathy wasnt here to do it himself"
-the restaurant is closed Monday and Tuesday so that is the Pseudo Weekend for the staff where everyone hangs out at the beach
Emile and Virgil take Tuesdays off but still work Monday’s cuz they feel better being the one watching over their friends
-Roman, staring at Virgil on the lifeguard stand: ugh he’s so pretty I almost wish I was drowning just so he could give me cpr
Janus: you wanna potentially get your ribs broken just for lip contact?
Remy, staring at Emile on the lifeguard stand: listen, if that’s what it takes, I’ll take it
Remus, immediately going up to the lifeguard stand because he has 0 impulse control: hey my brother and cousin want you to break their ribs
Virgil and Emile: excuse me?????
-Patton will literally spend hours in the water. Logan physically drags him out to put sunscreen on him every two hours to the minute. Patton does not admit that he purposely "forgets" just so Logan will do so
Logan is Dark and has never used sunscreen ever but Patton is so pale and he just gets so concerned about him. Patton thinks its adorable
He has pages of research on proper spf determination.
Roman and Remus use spf 15 just on their faces and have never once burned in their lives
Logan wants to submit them for scientific study because that shouldnt be possible
Virgil calls Logan out on the fact that he also should be wearing sunscreen and Logan like... blue screens he cant believe in all his research he missed that
-Patton is like... a ridiculously strong swimmer. Virgil still has a heart attack every time he goes for laps when there is the slightest hint of an undertow
Patton Knows This so he tries to stay in Virgil's sight line for the most part if there is an undertow. Or just dives over the waves again and again.
His nickname is Ariel. He thinks its just cuz of the swimming and the fact hes a red head. LAP all separately also tack on that its the swimming, the red hair, and the hnng pretty 10/10 would follow out to sea ala Prince Eric
-first beach bonfire Janus goes to Remy is Fully In Emile's Lap like... half an hour in
he has had like maybe a sip of a beer
Remus says he still claims this is because he is a Clingy Drunk
no one will call him on it, least of all Emile
-there is truth or dare. Roman may or may not skinny dip you have no proof
-Logan gets infuriated that he cannot roast a marshmallow properly
Patton does it perfectly every single time but its ok cuz he shares and Logan eats it right from his fingers and Roman and Virgil are just in the background Trying and Failing not to be the Most Jealous
Patton thinks theyre upset they didn't get marshmallows and makes some for them too and there is lots of Significant Eye Contact involved
Janus is going to spontaneously combust if they don't get their shit together
-Janus is out walking on the beach one night on a full moon cuz he cant sleep with everything so quiet around here when he sees a bright green patch out in the water and goes ...wait
he calls out to Remus and he comes into shore and is like "waves are perfect at night you should join me" so janus goes back and gets his board and they surf and chat for like the entire night
Janus finds out Remus couldn't sleep cuz intrusive thoughts were keeping him awake
Janus listens and doesn't judge, just lets Remus talk it out
They go back to shore and fall asleep on the sand next to each other like mid sentence still talking, now about whatever creative business idea Remus had, and get woken up by Logan's morning rounds like "come on guys you know you're not allowed to sleep out here" but they dont care theyre both just *blushing emoji*
-Logan Always Has A Notebook right? And a regular book he reads. And everyone assumes they are like Notions and Observations, but no, it’s actually blank paper and he uses it to sketch and then one day he leaves it behind and someone either Virgil or Patton finds it and flips through it and it’s all sketches of them and Roman and they’re like??? Actually really good? Anyway that’s how they find out Logan is actually minoring in art even though he’s majoring in something Very STEM
And he never told his best friends because like almost all his pre college art is Them and he doesn’t want to be caught having Feelings and by the time it gets to college it’s been too long and he can’t tell them now
Roman takes one of the sketches of him surfing and makes it his profile picture on All Social Media He Has and Logan is so flustered he nearly breaks his damn phone
Patton is so offended he didn’t get invited to Logan’s first showcase that he doesn’t talk to him for like two whole hours
Virgil quietly asks if there is any art of all four of them, finds out there is, and makes a print and keeps it on his bedside table
-They are all Pining Outwardly Now and its Worse
-Remus : you have known them since pre-k please ask them out I beg of you
Roman: You just dont get it
Remus: I asked Janus out after 4 weeks what is your problem
Emile: Virgil, I love you, you are my Partner in Anti-Drowning but you are so stupid
Virgil: What???? All I said is that you and Remy are really cute and I'd love to be in a relationship like that
Emile: I am not a violent person, Virgil, but I have the strong urge to smack you
Patton, in the Rage Closet: They're all just so hOT and ReSPEctFUL
Janus, waiting for his turn, trying to act like he cant hear him: I Am Looking Elsewhere
Logan: I just don't understand why they were more upset that I didn't tell them than that I'd been making art of them for years?? Shouldn't that second part be worse??
Remy, who has been partial to Every Single One Of AMP Waxing Poetic About Logan: Yeah, no idea /s
-the twins get into a surfing competition as a pair and everyone goes to see them and support them
Thomas airs the competition on every tv in the restaurant cuz he’s Proud of his Bois
They WIN cuz they are Creative and Talented and came up with all sorts of crazy tricks while they were fucking around in the water but it earns them Major Bonus Points for originality
-Roman does the run off the podium and into Love’s arms trope with just like... whoever’s closest lets go Patton because he is a Waif and forced himself up front so he can see
The other two are Devastated because well shit but then Roman pushes through the crowd, still holding Patton’s hand, and gives them this smile and is like “remember in like second grade when we said we’d do everything together and made a pact on this beach”
Analogical: uhhhhhh yeah
Roman: holding you both to it. No take backs. This counts. Now kiss me, dammit, we WON and they DO MANY TIMES AND ITS REAL CUTE
-Meanwhile dukeceit have Mysteriously Disappeared and No One wants to be the ones to go find them. They show back up, eventually. Janus has a branch in his hair and remus' hair is sticking straight up and when he opens his mouth roman glares at him and tells him in no uncertain terms that they do not want to know
AnYWaY these are my children and I will gladly answer any questions about them. I left out Janus Backstory and Creativitwins Angst and Many Individual LAMP Scenes and Remile/Dukeceit getting together and Epilogue but can absolutely provide such things on request
#romantic lamp#dukeceit#remile#ts fic#sanders sides fic#remus mention#tropey beach au#listen im not responsible for what i do when on the beach with discord open#this is so self indulgent my god
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9. mpreg, preferably penis birth but anal is acceptable, a man who works at McDonald’s/a grocery store/some other type of minimum wage job where you’re on your feet all day. Goes into labor but he doesn’t realize it as real labor, so he goes to work. While working his 8-10 hour shift it gets progressively worse. He is trying to give birth in public at work, but something physical (like a chastity belt, his pants, a jock cup, etc.) is stopping him. 354
11. Could we get a cute sub who knocks up their more dom partner? And they’re both superrrrr into it? 354
5. Could I ask for a fpreg story where a female streamer is overdue by 3 weeks with triplets and she is streaming herself taking her viewers suggestions for getting the birth to happen? (methods up to author) Very big and rounded out belly with lots of movement please. 355
4. Some who gets pregnant thinking they're going to love it, but as the pregnancy goes on they like it less and less. At the end they are just so uncomfortable and in so much pain that they resent ever getting pregnant in the first place. 356
5. A college freshman who has gained weight thinking it is just a bad case the freshman 15. When in their dorm after their last final they go into labor and don't realize what is going on 356
6. You know those people who wear oversized shirts that are way too big for them? Someone gets so pregnant that those shirts actually fit, maybe even becoming a little tight at the end. 356
7. Someone get pregnant and refuses to buy new clothes. Maybe it's a denial of their pregnancy. Maybe it's to save money. Either way all of their shirts get stretched out over that big belly 356
9. Imagine you’re heavily pregnant and uncomfortable. Your skin is straining and your babies are packed tight. Your crotch is swollen and hot and just out of reach. You are in serious need and begging, panting, moaning, dripping for fulfillment. You’re womb is so full you can’t stand it... but you’re not sure you want it to end. Whatever will you do? You can’t even get up. 357
11. i had a dream that i (prob his partner, unaware of condition) was laying next to a very muscular tall husky man that was moaning as his belly squirmed, dream implied that he is pregnant with twins and capable of controlling his core enough to hide them during business hours in a suit but he is just as pregnant and feels all the movements constantly. he isn't huge but it's noticeable. been thinking about it ever since. would be cool if someone wrote it out. 358
13. Something I’d love to see is a story of some pregnant person being roughhoused? Like someone who is heavily pregnant who’s partner or kidnapper likes to rough house and make them uncomfortable. Maybe they make them bend over, poke, slap, wobble their sensitive belly, force them into labor by pushing down on their belly etc. 358
15. A small man (about 5’2”-5’4” and skinny) gets knocked up by his much larger partner. His partner frets about how the baby will be too big for him, but the man keeps reassuring him that he’s strong and can handle it, even as he’s giving birth. Fluff and bonus points for lots of body worship 358
1. in prison a slim, prettyboy gets passed around as the communal cumbucket. eventually he gets pregnant and tries as long as he can to hide it so that he isn't seen as an easy target, but soon enough his pregnant body just makes the other prisioners go even more wild and lustful. 359
6. character gets pregnant somehow. They're forced or perhaps they just have an encounter and its an accident. They don't believe they're pregnant; they ecplain it away as random weight gain; the baby moving is just muscle spasms. They see their belly grow but explain it away until they're in labour and cant deny it anymore. Bonus if there are multiple babies! 359
9. A guy accidentally knocks up his fuck buddy/fwb (gender up to you, but preferably afab). The person decides to keep the pregnancy, much to the dismay of the guy who knocked them up. Despite himself he finds the person carrying his baby/babies even hotter now. The pregnant person might even get off on seeing their fwb so conflicted during sex as they get bigger. 359
2. ((Would it be possible to request a mpreg story of a trans man and his husband expecting twins, and by the end of the 3rd trimester he's overdue and tired but is getting support from his partner? Something just super wholesome, tender, and comforting with these two super in love and excited for their soon to be family?)) 360
4. I would love unknown pregnancy until the baby kick their water breaking and they must give birth 232
5. I would love a shy boy that's hiding his pregnancy from his bad boy boyfriend until the bf finds him in labor on his room after sneaking in. He must help him and try to settle things up 232
6. Pregnant people reacting to feeling the baby movemts, like when they spot the kick under their skin 232
10. I always wanted to give birth on my front porch, and have the whole neighborhood gather to watch. Something about that please? Short labor, long gushy birth of multiples. 233
5. A heavily pregnant woman moves into your apartment block and you soon find out that she's all alone. Two weeks later, you come across her looking upset because she is overdue and uncomfortable. She hints that you can help get her off to induce labor. Tell us what happens when you follow her back to her apartment. 234
7. Ok. You are an 18 year old student in school. Your math teacher despises you and whenever you ask to go to the washroom to throw up, he says you are lying. By your third trimester, everyone knows you’re pregnant, and one day in math, your water breaks. You urgently need to give birth and would prefer to do it in the washroom. But he won’t let you. Contractions are coming fast. Times ticking. Bonuses: multiples, big baby, or baby/babies being pushed back in) 234
4. A gay mpreg story where one is pregnant during Christmas and they stay in and make love and rub the belly feeling the baby kick. 235
3. Something about being overdue and heavy but you have to go through a super busy day anyway. You feel like you're going to go into labor at any moment but you don't, you're just miserable. Emphasis on how low the baby dropped and how tired you are. Thanks. 236
4. Can we get a story about a woman going for a checkup, overdue at 42 weeks, and her OB recommends some 'natural' intervention to help bring on labour? Bonus points for creative use of stirrups and maybe the woman hasn't been satisfied in months 236
1. Can somebody write a story about a trans guy getting pregnant before going off to college and since he doesn't know anybody in his new city, he has to go through the pregnancy completely alone?237
9. A shy mpreg boy hiding his bump from everyone and tries to avoid his baby daddy due to their break up. Soon, the ex bad goth boy lover appears and sees his ex lover in labor alone at home.237
1. A male couple in prison who share a cell together. One of them is pregnant and goes into labor. A fight happens in their block, and the pregnant man + his partner get thrown into solitary bc of a missunderstanding. Their cells are next to each other. Noone is helping the pregnant man,so he has to give birth alone in the cell. His partner is only able to hear him & talk to him via the small vent and encourage him, etc.. Very long painful labor and graphic difficult birth with a surprise twin. 238
7. A fic along the lines: His belly was too big for him to move rending him helpless, his master loved getting him so desperate and plugging him for days Being overdue aroused him and made him beg for contact which his master Would like if it contains bdsm and pregnant sex 238
8. A hugely pregnant sub gets forced to orgasm multiple time till he s a mess 238
10. I've been following this page for a short time now, and I was wondering if I could have a personal story wrote about my own "imagine" that I've been fantasizing about recently. Imagine a young women is married off to a much older man (picture a lumberjack) and is forced to submit to him in any way he pleases. However, overtime she begins to enjoy the sexual treatment. Anyway, she has to give birth alone and struggles through the long labor of birthing a very big child. 239
5. A pregnant slave. That's it. 240
6. Request for.. your next door neighbor is a Lamaze coach, she gives you private lessons. Then you go into labor home alone and she comes over and coaches you through birth 341
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hello dearest admins :) i always wonder of mysterious anonymous authors who never revealed their names but had contributed some unforgettable pieces. Like epic fics “Yesteryear” and “On Lonely Magicians and the Concept of Love” (both coincidentally from kaisoommer). Any new stories from anonymous writers that should be getting recognition? PS. thank u so much for all the things you do and for loving kaisoo like the rest of us ❤️❤️❤️
Hey honey!!! I’m sorry I’m late ;; this is such an interesting request! I love yesteryear and I’ve always wondered why the author remained anonymous because it’s one of the ‘it’ kaisoo fanfics for sure :’)
Here’s yesteryear (must read i’m begging yall, soulmate, reincarnation au) and On Lonely Magicians and the Concept of Love (slight magic au, love-but-cant-be-together au) pls both are so iconic
Like a Dream - this is so precious and a bit of magic involved ;) as a child, jongin was sick quite often and had to stay in a hospital. getting easily bored, he has found an imaginary friend he calls dyo. Then later as an adult, jongin meets dyo this time as his sister’s boyfriend. i really like this fic uwu
Composed - college au. kyungsoo has a new project partner and turns out it’s jongin who is actually very punctual and proper, while kyungsoo is more of a ‘i don’t care’ lazy type :D a rare case in a sea of stereotype tropes for that time, truly nice
Story Of Me, About You - college au, meet after a long time au. they have met before but missed the first chance and never confessed to each other their feelings until now when they met for the second time
Rumors - after a night out at the club, Kyungsoo finds himself in a predicament that involves a, supposed, member of the mafia
Unexpected - Jongin dies and many years after, Kyungsoo is married to another man but Jongin comes back.
Find A Way To My Heart - clashing personalities au!!!!! they’re so in love and wearing pink glasses, agreeing to move in together. but non of them thought living together thing would be less than ideal. sweet :’)
Crossing Curves and Circles (to get to you) - (mpreg, tw for bullying) kyungsoo is a single dad of a daughter and is bullied for it. (jongin is the b*lly :/ but then he changes)
One and Only - supernatural au. inspired by anime/manga Noragami. basically a god au with their regalia (who is their weapon and fights the phantoms), ft. kaisoo and chanbaek
eat up - competitive kyungsoo!!!! new student yixing brings a delicious lunchbox filled with the tastiest meal everyday and everyone so fawning over him, including jongin. kyungsoo wants to prove his are also good if not better and they compare their home cooked meals every day. this is so cute especially jongin uwu!!!!!!!!!
how to go grocery shopping - shy and awkward jongin goes grocery shopping. that wouldnt be a problem but the cashier? is cute as heck and jongin is nervous :D
With a smile on my face - kind of ongoing/open ending? they live under one roof but have don’t have feelings for each other (at least jongin doesn’t), he takes care of kyungsoo (mpreg)
Is your name Jingle Bells? Because you look like you go all the way! - yess christmas time with married kd and kyungsoo loving it while jongin...isn’t
…then, we found us. - also christmas (seems like this collection is anonymous?), kyungsoo offers to spend time with jongin, insisting that nobody should be on during christmas alone
I will share my cup of ramen with you - they’re neighbours who get close and then jongin asks kyungsoo to join him for a party and jongin pretends he has a bf (fake dating)
I’m going to kill Kai with my bare hands. He’s going to die a thousand slow deaths if it’s the last thing I do. - agents/spies au. they’re colleagues but also boyfriends and sometimes kyungsoo is stressed bcos of the nature of their job
Your Secret Santa, my Santa Baby - jongin wants to get kyungsoo this christmas but he’s never lucky enought5o pick kyungsoo’s name for their annual gift exchange
A loveseat was made for two, baby - kyungsoo has a crush on his new housemate, Jongin, but doesnt know how to deal with his unrequited love and growing unhealthy obsession (a little bit twisted dark story)
48 Hours - (ot12, no specific pairings, mystery, thriller/horror). okay so this is a very famous fanfic from 2012/2013 and it’s interesting that everyone knows the fic or at least has heard of it, but barely anyone knows the author (this is just a translation of the original which was in chinese). the author is not active on their platforms anymore so i guess they’re as good as being anonymous now (*﹏*;)
- enjoy!! ~ Admin J
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everything is flying by so goddamn fast and i’m standing still. i feel like i’m frozen at 16 but i’ll be 20 in less than 5 months. i’m not ready to be an adult but i can’t live here another second. i want to move far far away but if i spend more than a few weeks away from my partner i’ll literally kill myself cause she’s the only thing that makes me feel a touch of comfort or happiness. the fucking meds dont fucking work and the fucking drugs dont last long enough and there’s so many thoughts flying through my head that i just can’t even stand to listen to. i just want to sleep forever.
and the scariest fucking thing is i don’t think i have the balls to kill myself so if my partner commits (which is honestly likely shes even more traumatized and suicidal than me) i would just have to live. as if i could. she’s my life partner, the one i can’t live without, which is the problem. what if she dies and i have to? what do i do then? just exist? a shell of a person? i already live a shattered existence. the voices in my head, the lost time, the flashbacks and shaking and crying and puking. what more could i possibly lose? every day blends together until there’s no days, just one continuous existence that feels like i’m floating through purgatory. and i must be doing great at masking cause no one sees i’m all kinds of fucked up except the people i tell. not that i remember doing any masking. i guess that’s the whole point huh. feels like i’m watching myself trudge miserably through life, waiting patiently for a day where i might be okay.
and there’s some days every now and then when nothing feels wrong, where i get to hang out with my best friends and laugh and scream out the car windows and nearly blow out the speakers and dance in the rain and experience what i guess are supposed to be the joys of life. and it feels so good. and then i go home. and suddenly everything is as dull and lifeless as it was before. and then the next morning i wake up at work 10 hours at my stupid job that pays me $11 an hour which isn’t even enough to fucking survive. and somehow i’m supposed to go to college and pick a fucking career? i don’t even know where i’ll be a year from now. will i still be alive??? who fucking knows. maybe i’ll jump off a bridge or something. cant very well pussy out if i’m already falling.
i just get let down again and again. i don’t make new friends because i don’t need or want more people who love me and i can’t stand the idea of having to one day tell them how fucked up i am, and if i don’t, i’ll just be lying to them and pretending to be the person they want me to be. i’m so tired of fucking PRETENDING. i’m NOT who you think i am. i’m not even who i was YESTERDAY!! my identity doesn’t even exist. whoever you interpret me to be is 100% fake. and i can’t keep living like this but i have no choice.
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