#im built to live like a parasite baby and die
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As time goes by I'm becoming more and more sure that I just can't survive on my own. I can take basic care of myself, but the second I have to go to a doctor or do some formal stuff I get paralyzed. I just can't. Fuck, I can barely even talk to strangers in general. Or even not strangers, I can't fucking text someone back if I'm not close to them, it's just so scary and exhausting. I'm becoming emotionally tired more easily and sometimes even talking with my mom about anything is too much for me and I love my mom. And I really need her, I can't do basic stuff without her pretty much holding my hand all the time. I can't get a normal job. We went to this blueberry plantation a few times but I just couldn't go there without her, and now the job is over and we can't go there at all. If I wasn't such a fucking baby I'd go there a few more times alone and get some money. I can't make calls, there's literally like two people I feel comfortable talking on the phone with. People used to say I was mature for my age when I was younger but I never grew up and now I'm almost 21 and can't do anything with my life. I'm scared of everything, I'm constantly exhausted physically and mentally. I'm like a fucking child. I'm scared that I'm gonna have to live with my mom my whole life. I can't see a future for myself, I'm just not able to survive without help and at some point I won't be able to get help, I don't want to be a parasite living off of my mom's money but I don't see anything else I could do. I hate my brain so much. I hate the way it refuses to work. I hate myself for being such a child.
#you know theres this weird idk. impostor syndrome about me and my autism#like on one hand i know that autism is a disability. but on the other i cant think of myself as disabled#cause im not 'autistic enough'. because i can keep myself fed and clean and healthy and alive as long as im provided with everything i need#but then i have a full on breakdown because my new laptop doesnt work and i have to go to the store to have it checked/replaced#i wanna throw up just thinking about it#i cant do anything without my moms help#i wanna throw up and cry and die when theres too much happening around me. i cant survive in the real world. i just can't#i cant get a job or a partner or go to college or move out or even just fucking. go to a store and ask for help with my laptop.#i feel like im destined to live w my mom forever and not achieve anything and die alone#i keep talking about wanting to make a living with my art but thats bullshit. i do want that but i know it's not possible for me#i cant even fucking finish the commissions i already have. im scared to get new ones. im scared to do anything.#my brain refuses to let me work on anything#and yeah i am burnt out after my diploma and exams and all that but at some point i just have to admit im not built for that. for anything.#im built to live like a parasite baby and die#my mom is too good of a person to kick me out but i wouldnt blame her. im useless. i cant make money. i cant take care of myself#i dont know what to do#bee buzz
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65 Questions You Aren't Used To answered by ME
1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?
Sometimes, but it always goes away fairly quickly.
2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?
3, im not actively afraid of the dark itself but it can exacerbate paranoias
3. The person you would never want to meet?
The guy on reddit with like 100 different parasites he spreads to people around him
4. What is your favorite word?
Catgirl or Ghost maybe idk
5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?
Monterey Cypress
6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?
Oh my god my hair is so fucked, i look dead in the face too
7. What shirt are you wearing?
gray longesleev :)
8. What do you label yourself as?
gray-ace trans girl who is probably actually nonbinary but ignores that for the sake of simplicity
9. Bright room or dark room?
dark
10. What were you doing at midnight last night?
in a voice call watching my friend stream hl2: lost coast
11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?
19-20
12. Who told you they loved you last?
gf :)
13. Your worst enemy?
congress republicans
14. What is your current desktop picture?
I have 3, and currently all of them are on images of hatsune miku
15. Do you like someone?
mhm
16. The last song you listened to?
No Children - The Mountain Goats
17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Mitch McConnell
18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Donald Trump
19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?
A clone of myself, who i would make work on my portal mod lul
20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)
My hair perhaps
21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?
I dont know if this would make me male, female, or a trans man!
22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?
Getting people to like me when i want them to, i guess? It sounds manipulative but if you dont use it to manipulate people, and you dont always do it (because sometimes you dont want the person to like you), then is it?
23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?
I am afraid that my perception of other things is inaccurate and eventually i will realize that people around me regard me as someone who is very much detached from objective reality.
24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.
Crab+lobster mix, avocado, cheese, caramelized onions, bacon, sourdough bread, basil+a bit of garlic, and probably other stuff i cant think of.... oh and sunchips stuffed inside that i could pull out and eat.
25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?
Save it!!
26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?
California!
28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
1) If you die we eat you
29. What is your favorite expletive?
simply saying the word KILL!
30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?
My computer :( it would cause the most extreme impact to have it be destroyed. i would feel terrible about everything else though
31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
I’d rather not say.
32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!
sounds awful :(
33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
My kitty :(
34. What was your last dream about?
I was playing a hidden level in Frogger: the Great Quest but then @ sleepysoul DM’d me to ask what my newest video was about cause she was weirded out by it, and i went to my youtube channel to find this bizarre video about crab-catching, which slowly descended into this video showing bizarre and cosmic horrors. For some reason i thought i uploaded it and tried to defend the video, but i could not explain it
35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?
I am a good 3d modeler, texturer, game mapper, and other things that have to do with digital 3d artstuff
36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?
no
37. Have you ever built a snowman?
yes
38. What is the color of your socks?
All of mine are tan or dark blue. super lame and boring
39. What type of music do you like?
Most currently, it fluctuates between “weirdcore” type aesthetic playlists of music, and anything Vocaloid.
40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
Sunrises, because im usually not awake for them so they are extra special
41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?
strawberry maybe
43. Do you have any scars?
One on the side of my butt where i tore it open on the bathtub faucet, one on my elbow from a bike accident, and
44. What do you want to be when you graduate?
I dropped out :(
45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
my cheekbones and eyebrow ridge stick out so weirdly, id make it not look like that
46. Are you reliable?
on small things? yes. on big things? nope, not in the least.
47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?
Have you finally gotten out of this rut and found happiness and success?
48. Do you hold grudges?
i kinda do but try not to
49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?
Catgirl
51. Are you a good liar?
only when im not trying to.
52. How long could you go without talking?
consecutively, maybe a fourth of a day
53. What has been you worst haircut/style?
short.
54. Have you ever baked your own cake?
I’ve helped, but never done it myself!
55. Can you do any accents other than your own?
Oh, believe me, no. But i do it anyway because its objectively hilarious
56. What do you like on your toast?
Not beans.
57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?
Miku :) (it turned out so badly i scrapped it)
58. What would be you dream car?
Golden Leopard Print Golf Cart
59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.
I lie down as to not pass out (and cause warmn wotter....)
60. Do you believe in aliens?
[redacted]
61. Do you often read your horoscope?
never
62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?
E? (it has a nice synesthetic color)
63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?
Dinos
64. What do you think about babies?
gremlins. strange beings. they are very strange and creepy-ish but can be cute but RARELY. keep away.
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binchhhhh have you season season 8 yet??? and if so thoughts?? 🤔
I diddd!!!! and I just finished it!! i tried staying up till 3 to watch it but fell asleep and woke up at 4:30, it’s like 10 am now and honestly???
*SPOILERS FOR VOLTRON SEASON 8 BELOW*
worth it. no regrets.
overall im like…satisfied? like it got a happy ending for the most part, because the main plot is accomplished the universe can finally begin to heal and voltron has served it’s purpose, which i was expecting but there’s also a part of me that is…like really really sad??
like allura’s gone because she sacrificed herself alongside honerva (which really made a sharp character turn at the end, which is slightly supported by the closer examination done to her character in the episode where they delve into her mind but i still feel could’ve been built up more) and i really wish she could’ve like lived on (but like what else are fanworks for??) especially given the fact that she and lance were really beginning a promising relationship.
-even though there could be a case built that it’s just a rebound relationship, though i think that its very unfitting for either allura or lance’s characters. i mean the same could be said for klance if it had been canon, that lance saw his chances with allura dissipate and that keith was just next in line. but the way the allurance was portrayed was actually quite soft, like the two became closer friends who shared a romatic love for one another and isn’t that how love’s supposed to be?
(believe me im just as disappointed as all of you that klance didn’t end up being canon because despite my (still present) belief that they belong together, but i…was kinda prepared to find this out? like Dreamworks being the parent company and after shiro was confirmed to be gay and who was a main character i just knew that asking for more than a single LGBT main character was pushing my luck. (ezor and zethrid were present but they hardly had any screen time and theyd been classified as villains even near up to the end)
of course while i did enjoy the season and the entirety of voltron overall i think ill just list of what i liked, what left me confused, and what kinda bothers me:
-keith, embracing and fully accepting the entirety of his galra heritage and even going so far as to use the words ‘us’ and ‘we’ in his speech to the other galra at the end ✔️ pretty good for a boy who started out angry and sad at the world with no idea who he was
-lance’s altean marks!!! all i can say is hell yeah!!! (like i dont think he’s altean because i dont think he can shapeshift or is genetically similar at all but the marks on his cheeks (i interpret them) are like a kissmark from allura, a reminder that she did truly love him and almost a symbolic way of her having passed on the torch to him. ✔️ (they’re like lance’s moon!!! ya know like how in ATLA how sokka found love and then lost it but was reassured that yue was up there, looking down on him)
-did kova die in the ritual?? is that what happened when honerva set him down in the circle??? she drained the quintessence from an immortal being❔
-that little dialogue exchange from honervas memories of lotor like how zarkon replied to lotor saying “you may be the prince but i am your emperor” and immediately afterwards when lotor said he wanted kova and haggar almost said no and he replied “you may be the high pristess but i am the prince” pretty much mirroring his father and delivering the chilling hint that despite how much lotor may have tried to reject it, small parts of zarkon did make their way into him ✔️
-SHIROS!!!FUCKING!!!ARM!!!WRESTLING!!!COMPETITION!!!✔️✔️✔️✔️ like you can tell being called old got to him, and am totally in the belief that no matter how good he may be at hiding it he’s just as short tempered and fiery as keith was ( i even think that maybe he saw a younger version of himself in keith when he first met him which may be why he was so determined to help him- especially since much of shiro’s own childhood is never adressed. can someone say orphan!shiro?)
-farmer lance ✔️✔️✔️ like keith’s dad was a predicted to be farmer/firefighter- hes confirmed firefighter but i like to think that maybe he grew tomatoes part time or smthn. and keith a city slicker he doesnt know jack about farming. excellent matierial if you ask me, yall pickin up what im puttin down?
-takashi shirogane got married and we dont even get a name??? scam ❌
-shiros kiss ✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️
-uhhhn the fuckin uhhh slight homicidal tendencies that allura developed after accepting that parasite thingy . like everyone was glancing at each other, clearly aware that she wasn’t acting like herself but no one actually steps in? says enough is enough.?❌
-Merla name drop??? ya know what i can appreciate the little things ✔️
-go!lion throwback with gremlin pidge✔️✔️
-shiros goodbye. “you never have to thank me for anything”. like the sincerity, the implied level of thanks that HE feels towards alllura. binch..i shed a tear i wont lie…✔️
-lance found love✔️✔️✔️ me being a klance/shance lover or not i love my boy lance first and foremost and He.Found.Love. the one thing he’s wanted more than anything else and i for one love that he found his happy ending no matter how short lived it may have been
-lance signing like 1000 blue lions dolls just to get ONE for his boo? hero✔️
-end credit where the lions are flying towards an outline of allura made of stars✔️ while even though she’s gone, shes now part of the galaxy she fought to protect✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️
-voltron ends just as it started, with lance mcclain center stage ✔️✔️
- the scene where baby!lotor is running towards honerva to hug her and then just stops. dead. in. his. tracks. purposeful or not i think it really gives credit towards his natural instincts to sense danger.✔️
-despite lotor having killed hundreds of alteans, and the additional reaffirmation that he above all was desperate to preserve life no matter the cost, that he had a sense of right and wrong that became skewed. that he lost himself. found himself, and lost himself again. makes him a character really suited for deep pensive analysis. like before we even KNEW or met lotor i was writing him as a paris hiltonish party kid who was really just looking for a good time but now i feel like when writing him from here out and maybe for others we can actually give him his due as a complex character who under a different set of circumstances couldve been someone else. someone better? maybe ✔️❌❔
*SEASON 8 SPOILERS END*
well thats all i can think of off the top of my head. is there more pros and more cons? probably but that’s really more up to everyone else’s personal interpretation.
is voltron perfect? definitly not, there’s a lot that coulve been improved upon, somethings that coulve gotten more in depth work. they had a lot of interesting pieces that if executed better, with longer episodes or possibly even more seasons, or maybe decided on a method of storytelling and stuck with it, i feel like it couldve been something great.
but i liked it.
and if if you’re with the opinion that the ending sucked and you hate everything about it well, you can always just drench yourself in fanworks like you’d drench turkey in gravy to make it a little more palatable.
because YOU my good bitch are valid as well!!!
so really theres something for everyone!!!! (also please dont kill me for my lack of fics, my chem final was yesterday (only thing i can remember from it is the thought that i should’ve chosen A. sparkling water rather than C. gold metal for question 19—buuuuut that means im free for break!!! and guess who’s gunna get flooded with all my half finished fics!!! das right allayous
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