#i cant do anything without my moms help
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As time goes by I'm becoming more and more sure that I just can't survive on my own. I can take basic care of myself, but the second I have to go to a doctor or do some formal stuff I get paralyzed. I just can't. Fuck, I can barely even talk to strangers in general. Or even not strangers, I can't fucking text someone back if I'm not close to them, it's just so scary and exhausting. I'm becoming emotionally tired more easily and sometimes even talking with my mom about anything is too much for me and I love my mom. And I really need her, I can't do basic stuff without her pretty much holding my hand all the time. I can't get a normal job. We went to this blueberry plantation a few times but I just couldn't go there without her, and now the job is over and we can't go there at all. If I wasn't such a fucking baby I'd go there a few more times alone and get some money. I can't make calls, there's literally like two people I feel comfortable talking on the phone with. People used to say I was mature for my age when I was younger but I never grew up and now I'm almost 21 and can't do anything with my life. I'm scared of everything, I'm constantly exhausted physically and mentally. I'm like a fucking child. I'm scared that I'm gonna have to live with my mom my whole life. I can't see a future for myself, I'm just not able to survive without help and at some point I won't be able to get help, I don't want to be a parasite living off of my mom's money but I don't see anything else I could do. I hate my brain so much. I hate the way it refuses to work. I hate myself for being such a child.
#you know theres this weird idk. impostor syndrome about me and my autism#like on one hand i know that autism is a disability. but on the other i cant think of myself as disabled#cause im not 'autistic enough'. because i can keep myself fed and clean and healthy and alive as long as im provided with everything i need#but then i have a full on breakdown because my new laptop doesnt work and i have to go to the store to have it checked/replaced#i wanna throw up just thinking about it#i cant do anything without my moms help#i wanna throw up and cry and die when theres too much happening around me. i cant survive in the real world. i just can't#i cant get a job or a partner or go to college or move out or even just fucking. go to a store and ask for help with my laptop.#i feel like im destined to live w my mom forever and not achieve anything and die alone#i keep talking about wanting to make a living with my art but thats bullshit. i do want that but i know it's not possible for me#i cant even fucking finish the commissions i already have. im scared to get new ones. im scared to do anything.#my brain refuses to let me work on anything#and yeah i am burnt out after my diploma and exams and all that but at some point i just have to admit im not built for that. for anything.#im built to live like a parasite baby and die#my mom is too good of a person to kick me out but i wouldnt blame her. im useless. i cant make money. i cant take care of myself#i dont know what to do#bee buzz
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Love having talks with my parents (/s) where they tell me I "need to stop living in fear and get back out in the world" and that they haven't stopped living because of COVID and they don't even mask and it's fine because they got it once and it was just like allergies to them and "it's not even that bad it's just like the flu or a cold", ignoring that I also have had COVID before and was in the most extreme all over pain I have been in EVER in my entire chronically ill chronic pain suffering life for over a week to the point that I was mentally begging the universe to just let me die toward the end of it so it would finally be over and am now left with significantly worse chronic fatigue, chronic pain, and heart issues than I had already before because of long COVID. Also my sense of taste and smell have still not fully recovered, which is a sign of lasting neurological damage.
But it's just fearmongering, clearly, and I'm just falling for government propaganda (even though the government has said COVID is over and that we don't need to take precautions anymore because they value profit over human lives). Sure. Makes sense.
#they also told me i dont need to get boosters because they dont do anything anyway#and that getting covid makes your immune system strong enough to not get it again#which IS LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT ALL THE SCIENCE SAYS#covid is literally leaving people's immune systems looking like HIV and AIDS patients#and getting infected DOES NOT provide lasting immunity AT ALL#and even mild and asymptomatic cases can cause serious lasting immune system damage#BUT I'M JUST LIVING IN FEAR#me going out and seeing people will surely be worth it if i get covid again and fucking die#or become even more permanently disabled than i already am#and im already so disabled i cant work anymore or take care of myself without help#but sure#suuuuuure#MY MOM USED TO WORK FOR A MEDICAL COMPANY HOW DID WE GET HEEEERRRREE#the anti-vax anti-medicine propaganda is just being eaten the fuck up by the older generations huh#rant#vent#ndr#not dog related
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my dad "you gotta learn how to stop thinking ahead" WHAT DO YOU THINK IVE BEEN DOING THESE PAST 2 YEARS IN THERAPY??????
#nala talks#AAAAGAGGGHHH#all i said was that i couldnt sleep well because i stay up at night worrying i wont be well rested the next morning#because these kids are so fucking loud sometimes??? and my mom is too because the kids stress her out??????????#I TRY TO SLEEP EARLY BUT IM LITERALLY INCAPABLE OF IT WITHOUT FUCKING MEDS#im naturally sleep around 12 i cant help that#but these days its either 1 or 2 am now because nighttime is the only time i feel genuinely relaxed#because its the only time the house is fucking QUIET#anyways. my thinking ahead literally only extends to this fucking sleep deprivation ive had for how many fucking years my niece has#been alive#and its gotten worse with my nephew here#besides that i do think ahead about my streaming but thats A GOOD THING#i dont give a shit about anything else#i jsut want things to go back to normal
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...
#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears#speaking against something that hurts#laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing#the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words.#i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it#but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do#but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at#inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that?#i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn#and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great#but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they#think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i#struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those#connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just#it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent#or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them#i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad#student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever#but its fine. ya kno#just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy#and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough#ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have#0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box#i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess#abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times#i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha#unrelated
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actually i hate my sisters so much for making me feel like im not allowed to exist in my own home
#if they wanna play that game; i was born first. by their logic i have more right to our mom than they do#this was my home first. i was here first. i havemore right to be here than them#but for real; my mom is the only one who can decide if i can live here or not#my sisters dont have any right to freezeme out and tell me i shouldnt live here anymore#only my mom can kick me out or have opinions on that#imjust very hurt by my mom and that she doesnt say anything#and when i try to to talk abt how i feel she just always tells me that they have feelings too and that it isnt all abt me???#well im the one being iced out by my own family and spend all my days isolated in my room but yeah i guess im the bad one#maybe i am a bad person i can honestly not trust myself. why else would everyone treat me like this lik#lol*** damn fkn makes me so mad that i cant type on anything without typos#anyway.... i fucking hate my sisters so much and my mom being cold abt it makes me so sad#when i tell her that im so lonely i feel like i could die and that i need interaction#she just tells me that i need to get outside more#anyway i dont fucking know what im supposed to do#i am stuck and i have never gotten any help from theme talhealth care system either so#wtf am i supposed to do all alone in this!?!?!#wish i was fkn normal
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🧸
#tomorrow's gonna be the worst birthday every fr#i was gonna bake a cake - which i havent had in 5 years.. but bc of gallstones i cant have cake#i cant really eat anything :(( so that's boring </3#also since im poor i cant afford to go to the cinema or like literally anywhere else#i wanted to visit my grandma but she's sick so we cant. and i literally have no one else to visit or meet#my sisters arent talking to me so they wont.. talk to me tmrw either. wont congratulate me#i have no friends to hang out with or talk to.#no one will wish me a happy birthday except my mom#ijust feel so fkn lonely and insignificant#i try to pretend idb abt my birthdaybut the truth is i do. and i fantasize abt it being important to someone else as well#i just wanna be important and mean smth to someone :(((#it really doesnt help that i cant eat at all#last year was rough too but i had lots of coffee and chocolate treats during the day which helped my mood a lot#and now i dont have anyone at all to talk to so like.. yeah i feel so lonely#and someone i thought was my friend blocked me without explanation a few days ago#and i wanted to at least chat with her a bit#but she proved that i mean nothing to her. did she lie to me? was everything she said just lies....#idk
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When your grandma comes over uninvited to your house on a day decidedly Not your birthday, to give you a birthday cake that is a flavor you do Not like, but is a flavor that a) she very much likes, and b) was the cake for her most precious favorite grandbaby, your baby cousin. So now you get the delightful taste of bad cake and favoritism for you pre-birthday, and also have to sit through an unannounced visit with your Extremely a Lot Grandmother, who spends a good amount of the time praising your shit uncle for being a "wonderful father" and talking about his and your aunt's amazing vacation with your cousin, which is just always an awesome thing to have to sit through a long conversation about under the guise of celebrating you.
#my birthdays always suck#they generally come down to reminiscing for my grandmother or somehow something about the amazing qualities of the 10yo baby cousin#do i think its ridiculous to be jealous of the 10yo? absolutely#do these people also not gaf about showing their extremely obvious favoritism and thus make it very hard not to resent this child? also yes#it does not help that shes a little spoiled shit#i love her but shes hard to get on with because these people have spoiled her absolutely rotten#and also my grandmother is soooo much#literally everything is about her too#i cant talk about anything without her turning it into something she can make about herself or her favorite people#also my aunt apparently told my grandma to tell me happy birthday when she called to ask how they were enjoying their vacation#so i should definitely expect 0 calls/ texts from her for my birthday bc she definitely thinks that telling grandma to tell me is enough#i hate my mom's family#they make me feel like shit and i cry on my birthday almost every year bc of them :/
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if youre questioning why im mostly lurking instead of even posting crack, ive had a really bad endo flair up for over a week and a half now and its reached the point of i hurled twice yesterday while at work, which i think anyone w a prior ED can also say is really frickan not great for mental health, but anywho
#out.#health cw#how many ppl know that endo is a fucking symptom of pcos in half the cases?#probably only ppl actively suffering from pcos or endo or bOTH like me#im not even bleeding i dont think ive bleed in a month o think the birth control#without the sugar pjlls to get rid of my period so i have less dysphoria is finally working but jfc#i feel like shIT and they cant do anything for the endo apparently#bc the srgery is a ‘super high fail rate’ and blah blah blah#how abt this j u s t t a k e i t o u t#i dont NEED the stupid ovaries i dont want the urerus just taKE IT OUT#bURN it off i saw ppl talk abt that surgery option too#doesnt help w endo but kILL MY LINING W FIRE#i doNT NEED IT#i wanted to finish my polaris cos for tomorrow when i see mom bc#if ptricks there maybe magneto will join in maybe theyre actually gonndo the dad storyline#but i mean i doubt but i live in hope and didnt wanna do wanda#but ive done NOTHING for the cos im a lAMEO#whos dying and been horrendously ill for a week but whos counting
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dont rb
#i dont have my mom or best friend rn and im dissociating scared and even more scared i lean on them so much that#when im having an episode i cant help myself#what do i do when they die or they're hurt i dont think i could survive that how am i supposed to do anything without thembehind me
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My cousin randomly messaged my mom in the middle of the night asking to crash at our place this weekend 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
This definitely won't fuck with my routine at all 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
Im going to be soooo normal about it
#i love my cousin and dont mind getting to see her cuz its been over a year#but unexpected changes 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#theyre great arent they 🙃🙃🙃🙃#idk why shes suddenly coming up to visit#she hasnt texted me about it at all#my moms a lil upset cuz she took thursday friday and monday off for her birthday and now she has to spend her bday#cleaning her office and setting it up for my cousin to sleep in (im gonna help)#but like. mom. you couldve said no.#there are other relatives she could stay with#idk maybe im just a bitch but if someone randomly asked to interrupt my vacation i would simply say no#that being said it would be nice to get to hang out with her without her creepy ass grandpa hanging around and eavesdropping#like i doubt theyre still monitoring her phone since i dont think she lives with them anymore#but its hard to get past that paranoia that people are monitoring our conversations when we text when i know its happened before#so we dont text each other mucj#and i cant fully relax when we do#its not like im saying anything bad or inappropriate or whatever but i still dont need some rich oil company catholic#reading over all my texts
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I'm frustrated by my mom
#she doesnt seem to understand my concern that the random vomiting im expericing is esophogus cancer#i mean my dad literally just died from it a few months ago#even when i bring up that this morning i woke up needing to vomit and when i ran to the toilet i literally couldnt#i was doing all the motions of throwing up except having things actaully really exit my stomach#a little bit did at the very begining then stopped#and now i have a tight pain in my chest right arounf where my stomach would be but nah thtas just acid reflux#thats all the classic symptoms according to my mom#which its not????!#like that doesnt make anysense to bereflux#the unexplained vomiting did but this fucking doesnt#and now im so stressed im gonna fucking die from a stupid cancer and i dont feel like i can tell her about it cause shell just think im craz#the same way she thought that when i was so stressed that lageos got hurt after he fell out of a second story window#but nah he was fine you are overreacting#i just cant tell her anything okay#im so stressed about everything and all and my stupid anxiety is making it fucking impossible to seek treatment#like i know this isnt normal and i need treatment for my anxeity and vomiting but i cant get it without help#like i cant function i need help making the stupid calls to the gatroenertoligst#I just cant do this#and i know im probably insane and that its actually some simple thing#but also im so stressed about it and i cant do anything but sit here and have nothing happen or change#you know its funny to be so scared of dieing and also be fucking suicidal#like i dont see anything in my future and it all seems so bleak and like ill be stuck forever#but also thinking about if im gonna die from cancer or something is so terrifying#im in a bad place lol and it doesnt matter#it all feels hopeless and terrifying and i dont want to be a burden#and it feels like everyone hates me and know thats not true but i cant help it#and i want everyone to hate me so i can just sleep and noone will fucking care i can just be done and noone would notice#i dont know im just here i guess#im not well
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...
#my uncle died friday night... and i just cant get over how one of the first things my mom said in the first few hours was th#that her little brother's life 'didnt have a purpose anyway' like???#how can u say that. like she said this in a sorrowful way and she was in shock etc but. still. idk...#'he didnt have anyone and didnt make anything of his life'... because its true he didnt have a wife and children and was living with his m#his mom.... but does that really mean his life didnt have a purpose? that 'his life was nothing anyway'?#i mean he lived with grandma and helped her and was her companion and she didnt have to live alone after grandpa died a few years ago#idk... that just really hit me when my mom said that#and the fact that im the same and im gonna kms soon without doing anything in life and like. shes gonna say that abt me too?#idk.#zsófi rambles
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Mean! Perv! Billy Hargrove x innocent! Pastor daughter! Reader
♡masterlist♡
MINORS DNI
Contains: Dub con, somnophilia near the end
༺*:ﾟ･✧･:*:ﾟ･♡ readmore ♡･ﾟ:*:･✧･ﾟ:*༻
♡ He would see you around town with your short dresses and the rosary hanging around your neck
♡ he thought you were so cute but you stayed away from him like the plague, your father told you all about billy hargrove how he was a womanizer, too consumed by lust, how he was no good.
♡ you had never actually spoken to billy, you had made eye contact a few times but you would quickly run off, that is until he was dragged to your father's church by his dad
♡ there he saw you standing near your mother at the front of the church, while your father gave a speech about something he didnt care about. He watched your doe eyes wonder around the church paying more attention to the stained glass windows
♡ he came up to you as everyone was talking, he stalked behind you noticing you were nervously playing with your fingers as if you didnt know what to do with your hands. You jumped when you felt his breathe on your neck
♡ shocked to see billy Hargrove of all people behind you, he cornered you against the wall trapping you from escaping.
"I- um cant talk right now m-my dad is probably wondering where I am I have to go-"
"Hold your horses princess, I just want to talk about our lord and saviour"
"You can talk to my dad he- um he knows a lot more than me"
♡ he somehow manages to keep you talking to him, enough to get you to ramble and prolong the conversation
"That is a lovely dress, it looks so beautiful you"
"Thanks my mom got it for me- actually she gets all my clothes, I'm not allowed to buy myself clothes without her permission- BUT I- i dont mind, I like what she picks out, makes me look nice a-and I dont like choosing things I'm very indecisive and I would probably be there all day so I'm actually happy she chooses my clothes because-"
♡ he simply stares at you while you talk not interrupting simply listening to you speak. He knows he makes you nervous, the way your eyes dart everywhere except his is laughable
♡ unfortunately the conversation is cut short by your father and his dad
"Billy hargrove, come to make a mockery out of my daughter?"
"No sir I've actually seen the light, your daughter was just telling me about you gorgeous church and how much of a loyal man you are to god. Honestly sir I have so much respect for you"
"I- well thank you- I've been doveted to our lord for as long as I remember it's nice for someone to finally acknowledge my efforts. I'm happy to help you find your way to god and banish those demons for good, your father and I were just talking about hanging out at my house perhaps you can come along, I'm sure Y/N is happy to help you with your journey"
"That would be lovely sir"
♡ who knew it sould be so easy to get access to you when he fuel your father's ego?
♡ the next week billy happily went over to your house, you were sat at the dining room table with a bible infront of you as well as some other books and sheets once again refusing to make eye contact with him as your father lead him to you.
♡ you meekly asked him a few questions about how much he knew and where he would like to start off on
"Wherever you would like doll"
♡ billy didnt pay attention to anything you were saying this time, too busy looking at the photos around your house and the decor. He only looked back at you when stumbled over your words and looked like you were on the verge of tears
"What's wrong sweetheart? You okay?"
"I- um I just dont think I'm the person you should be doing this with- i- I dont know why my dad put you up to this- I've never done this before I dont know what I'm doing"
♡ he smiled as tears rolled down your cheeks, your lips forming a pout which sent a shock down to his forming hard on. He placed his hand on your thigh causing you jolt
"That's okay, you're doing so good for me already. I already feel like a worthy man"
♡ you placed your hand on top of his, playing with his fingers as he massaged circles into your soft skin.
♡ he slid his hands further between your thighs, now feeling up your flesh and slowly making his way to the flower in between your legs
"Y-you cant do that you shouldnt be touching there- I- were not married- I'm going to go to hell if you do that-"
♡ you made no actual attempt at removing his hand, simply holding his wrist as he stared at you smirking, he glanced around to see if anyone was near.
"You're not going to hell it's not like we're doing anything against the lords rules, I'm just touching you. It cant be bad if it feels good, can it?"
♡ he grazes his lips over yours letting you smell the cigarettes and mint gum on his breathe, soon removing himself from you and turning to the table as the adults walk in
"Everything going okay In here?"
"Absolutely sir, Y/N here was just telling me about easter"
♡ your meetings soon became a scheduled event and nothing else had happened since that first meeting
♡ that was until your father had left you alone with billy, a horrible mistake on his part
♡ when he first noticed the quietness in the house he was worried he got the wrong date that is until you meekly walked out of the shadows and lead him to your usual spot at the dining table
"Where's your parents?"
"Hes out with your dad I- i think they're fishing.."
"What about your mom?"
"Shes at her book club..."
♡ the giddiness in billy was comparable to a child on Christmas. over the weeks he had gained your trust, convincing you that he was serious about god
♡ so when he suggesting going to your room instead you agreed (although hesitantly)
♡ walking into your room he immediately noticed the cross hanging above your canopy bed which was pushed against the wall. The curtains around it almost highlighted your sleeping area.
♡ he quickly noticed how embarrassed you were, perhaps it was the stuffed toys, or the light colours, or the photos on the walls?
♡ you ushered him on the bed quickly preferring him to not stare at the immature state of your bedroom, although you would prefer posters of your favourite singers, pictures of your friends you were unable to at wishes of your father
♡ much like your first meeting billy let's you ramble, his eyes focused on your lips, he isnt sure what you're talking about especially when you bite your lip when reading out your notes
"Have you ever kissed someone before?"
♡ the question makes you choke on your breathe, whipping your head to face him. spluttering out a sentence
"What?! Why would you ask me that?! I- cant kiss anyone- I- I'll be in so much trouble- I'm not allowed to kiss anyone-"
"Would you like to?"
♡ that quickly shut you up as you looked up at him, he tilts his head at you and moves closer to you, his breath making goosebumps rise on your skin
♡ he kisses your unresponsive lips, too shocked at what is happening to kiss back (not that you knew how)
♡ when he pulled back you were staring at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. He grabbed your stuff and set it on your vanity, his hand traveled to your side and pushed you on your back
♡ he towered over you, your breath hitching in your throat, his arms either side of your head. He leaned down and pressed his lips against yours, it took a while for you to relax and try to follow his movements but you eventually got the hang of it.
♡ just as the man himself things got rough quickly, his hand in your hair and his tongue entering your mouth. You melted against him wrapping your arms around Billys shoulders
♡ when you broke apart for air your lips were puffy and swollen, billy was looking no better his hair was disheveled and his eyes were half lidded.
♡ he kissed the side of you face travelling to your jaw then towards your neck, where you gripped his shirt as he licked a stripe over your neck.
♡His hands wondered down to your chest, pulling your sundress down to reveal your bra to him
"Wait! Wait wait I- billy i cant- we shouldnt be doing this we should stop"
"Sh sh shhh just take what I give you"
♡ his hands continued their exploring, flipping your bra to reveal your soft nipples, leaning down his breath soon hardened them making you whimper
♡ he kissed your right nipple while rolling the left in his hand, the hand unattended drifted down your thighs and under your dress
"Billy stop- we cant do this i- I- I'm gonna get into s'much trouble"
"It cant be wrong if it feels good baby"
♡ he continues kissing and fondling your breasts, his hand slipping to your underwear pressing a thumb against your clothed clit making you jolt your hips with a loud whine.
♡ he chuckled against your chest moving his face to meet yours
"That feel good? Want me to do it again?"
"I dont know- I dont know! Feels weird.."
♡ he kissed your mouth and let's his other hand wander to your thighs. he pulls back to get a full view of you, your thighs spread, your lips puffy, your tits out. A sight that would make the devil groan, which is what he did.
♡ he plays with your thighs and your clothed cunt, soon sliding the piece of fabric to the side to get a better view of your forbidden fruit. He watches as your fluids leak from you, clamping around nothing and clit twitching from the harsh temperature of the room
♡ he places his thumb over your clit watching you jerk against him, clearly not used to stimulation, he circles around it then leans down pressing a kiss against it (maybe a quick suck too)
♡ the action makes you cry
"Billy 'is dirty"
♡ he slides with finger in you, the heat and tightness of your body almost making him cum in his pants. You're mewling underneath him and he gives you feelings you've never experienced
♡ his fingers work you open aiming to make sure you're able to fit his cock. When he pulls pants down to his thighs and grips his cock, your eyes are wide and full of second thoughts. Being the gentlemen he is he grabs your hand and makes you feel it
"S'hot, 'n it feels weird"
"Supposed to be hot gonna make you all warm"
"S'not gonna fit, your fingers felt too much, cant take this.."
"Cant take my cock?"
"Dont say that! That's dirty!"
♡ he drags his cock head over your clit, the heat of it shutting you up.
"I'll make it fit baby"
♡ he pulls your thighs apart and wraps his arm around your head, his body encapsulates yours as he pressed his cock inside of you. The stretch hurts and leaves you grabbing as much as billy as you can, he whispers praises to the side of your neck as he desperately tries to hold back.
♡ after an intense 5 minutes of him rubbing your clit and getting you to relax he starts thrusting, soft and slow but soon picking up as you unconsciously buck you hips into his. Your bed shook and you cried into his neck as he defiled you for any other man
"That feel good?"
"Ah- Feels big! 'Feel so full ngh- too full!"
"Yeah? Ya think your god would like this?"
"Gon' be In so much trouble billy"
"Ngh fuck- I'll be your god baby, I'll never get mad at you- fucking take it for me- you'll be my most devoted follower, c'mon say I'm your god, say it, say it for me baby 'n I'll make you feel so good c'mon say it"
"My god- y- your my god"
"Good girl, fuck-"
♡ as you reached orgasm you tried to push him off telling him that you were gonna pee, luckily for him you werent strong especially when you were getting your beliefs banged out.
♡ you came with a wail wrapping your legs around his waist, trapping him inside you, his hips stuttering as he came inside you.
♡ thus a sneaky beautiful relationship began
♡ hed take you for dates at his favourite cafe ordering milkshakes then stealing the cherry placed on top of yours then making jokes about once again "stealing your cherry"
♡ he steals your underwear especially when hes been teasing you all day, he likes the juices you leave behind, likes sucking on them, cumming on them, keeping them for himself and returning them soiled
♡ let's you come to the pool after hours just so he can fuck you in the water
♡ definitely buys you thin white bikinis just so he can see what's underneath when they get wet
♡ has grabbed a lollipop from your lips and pretended to fuck your mouth with it, you're none the wiser and assume he wants you to get the most flavour out it
♡ touches you in church and whispers how gross you are
"You're disgusting, really letting me touch you in the house of god?"
♡ flips up your skirt all the time, he blames the wind even if theres no breeze.
♡ he had dinner with your parents and had his fingers knuckle deep inside you the entire time, liking your juices if his fingers when dessert came out
♡ comes in through you window just so he can see you without prying eyes, he either wakes you up like a normal person or he wake you up by eating you out/ fingering you
♡ has had phone sex with you multiple times, he treats it like a confession booth and hes mostly degrading you the entire time
"You're fucking disgusting thinking about my cock, you're supposed to be a child of god" - says the man with your panties wrapped around his cock
♡ has gotten you drunk before and made you grind on his foot while you suck along his cock
♡ chokes you with your rosary when hes fucking you from behind, pulls on it like a leash
♡ taught you how to masturbate by sitting you infront of a mirror and touching you, you never fully learnt because billy has no self control
♡ bites you in places that arent visible to your parents, says you've been bitten by the devil
♡ spits in your mouth all the time
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life is about fucking yourself over for attention from ur parents and still receiving none. sometimes.
#personal#i havent eaten anything in 10 hours!#bc i didnt know i was supposed to prepare my own dinner!#and when i said it my sister AND my mom bitched about it!#and now its almost 10:30 and i went downstairs to grab the water bottle and she didnt say anything and im so tired#of her being like this#'just ask' isnt as simple as it sounds when u grew up praised for ur intelligence and subsequently got ridiculed for asking questions#i cant ask for help. its something im physically incapable of. its called childhood trauma you fuckgjfnhsb#so yeah shes gonna head off to bed soon and i am starving ! delightful#its not even gonna matter in 24 hrs#ive never had an ED (at least not a no eating ED. binge eating & ARFID debatable)#so its not like this is some horribly dangerous relapse stunt#im just miserable bc im hungry AND tired instead of just tired and its really fucking frustrating#and i want to stay home tomorrow but my mom probably wont let me and its just. its so exhausting#i want to focus on my painting tomorrow#no classes just art#which is a class. like i want to do the project i have to do for art class which i cant do rn#bc i feel SICK from the favt that i havent eaten anything since 12:30#and i cant face my art teacher still without progress i just cant ok#shes disappointed enough in me
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𝐁𝐚𝐛𝐲𝐬𝐚𝐭 𝐛𝐲 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝.
𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐃𝐎𝐄'𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐒𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑
Brothers bestfriend! Chris + needy! Nate’s lil sis
prompt: Nate ( ur older brother ) wants to go out for a bit with some of his other friends and he doesn’t trust you enough to stay home by urself without mom and dad since they won’t be there either. So he asks one of his best friend Chris to stay over and watch you, Matt and nick know ur crush on Chris so they pretend they can’t come.
Part 01
contains: masturbation ( no actual sex ), use of y/n ( sorry I have to ) dirty fantasies ( pet names, rough! Chris, dirty talk, degrading, forced head etc just beyond FILTHLY imagination ), use of vibrator on reader, caught by Chris, FORESHADOWING, fantasy will be like this
Nate are you serious I’m not 12! I whine when said he was gonna find a baby sitter for me knowing how much it pisses me off
I’m Nate doe’s little sister I’m 18, we’ve Been close to his bestfriends the sturniolo triplets. So obviously him being my brother naturally I got to know them.
Nick
I clicked with him superrr fast, I love his energy and when I found out he was gay that just made it all the better because I’ve always wanted a gay bestfriend, and we always have sleepovers :)
Matt
Matt’s absolutely adorable I love him he always helps me calm down whenever I’m about to or am having a panic attack, I remember one time during a test I forgot everything and almost had one and he slid me the answers. Love that kid
now there’s a reason I saved Chris for last,
Chris
chris and I know each other just as well if not even more then I do his other two brothers, we haven’t done anything unfortunately. I’ve had a crush on him since middle school.
First I just wanted to kiss him and hold his hand.
Then go to his house and do some more.
Then now, as an 18 year old I wanted him to fuck my Brains out.
I’m around him all the time since we all live in LA and always hanging out, I always see him shirtless and fucking hell it turns me on, I always get lucky since nick and matt found of my attraction to his brother they always snap me or text me pictures of him.
What sucks is I cant have him. It would take my life 1000 times over for me to be able to fuck chris sturniolo, and it sucks because my brother nate does not play that shit.
He strictly said "your not allowed to date any of them" obviously referring to matt and Chris.
Which also doesn't help because my wants and desires a hormonal teenage-adult girl only grow more whenever he comes around, chris is always there.
Now today, nate had to run some errands and nick matt and chris used to watch me when I was younger if my parents couldn't
Buttt, nick and matt "could not come due to personal issues" so. Your guess is right, im gonna be alone with chris for hours.
That thought alone made me soak in my p-
“Y/n! are you listening to me kid?” My older brother chuckles leaning against my doorway of my room as im on my bed watching "The Vampire Diaries".
“Huh? oh yeah im listening matt and nick cant come so chris is because im fucking 11.” I roll my eyes hiding my excitement from him watching me.
“Don't think of any weird shit alright? He's just watching you so don't-“
“Ugh is he here yet? You're annoying me already.” I groan shifting in my sheets and taking a sip from my celsius hearin our door open, they have a key.
“Welp thats chris.” Nate says tilting his head for me to get up.
I get up from the sheets wearing some pink sleep shorts and a white t-shirt and he raises an eyebrow.
“Your wearing THAT? around chris?” Nate chuckles and I flip him off.
“Hey! I heard that!.” Chris yells coming up the stairs sounding offended.
He's now at the top of the steps. oh my fuck he looks so good.
Its around 6ish in LA right now and hes wearing a black tank top and grey fresh love sweats, slight stubble and his hair was a bit messy which I always liked and my eyes immediately drifted to his natural bulge in his pants as him and Nate were talking.
“Just make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble.” Nate puts his arm around me giving me a hug and Chris chuckles.
“Don’t worry bro she’s safe with me.” He says before dapping him up as Nate leaves the house. yeah safer if you were balls deep inside
Oh god Chris sh-shit so-d-deep inside me
Yeah? You feel me deep inside you baby?
bro she’s like zoning out today. Nate chuckled and I snap out of it
Whatever no I wasn’t! Just go!
Soon after it was just me and Chris so we made our way down to the living room
“Where are ur other two clones?” I chuckle getting situated on the couch before turning on a movie saltburn
“they have “personal issues”.” He said rolling his eyes causing a small laugh to fall from my lips.
“So it’s just you and me little one.” A smirk curving on his lips, just enough for my panties to be soaked.
Shut up Chris I’m 18.I mutter trying to watch the movie in peace and he chuckles
the movie went on and it was now, the bathtub scene where jacob elordi ( Felix ) is jerking off.
I peer over to Chris whose eyes are clearly fixated on the screen as my squeeze my thighs together under the blanket feeling all my hormonal thoughts leaking through my panties.
This had nothing to do with the movie, it’s the thought for Chris doing that to himself that had turned me on most. The tension so thick a knife couldn’t even cut through.
“Uhm I-i gotta go to the bathroom”. I nearly choke and I fix my shorts placing the blanket down where I was sitting.
“Don’t take to long I’ll miss you.” He chuckles and that didn’t help.
I go to my room and close the door squeezing my eyes shut.
I had maybe 5 minutes to relieve myself.
I quickly reach into my drawer grabbing my vibrating dildo and the remote for it.
I pull down my shorts and panties and spread my legs letting the tip of the toy get coated in my wetness and I bite my lip slightly feeling the thickness of it.
I turned it on letting out a soft moan slowly inserting it, wishing this was Chris’s dick instead.
I began thrusting the toy in and out of my pussy letting the squelching sounds of arousal grow letting it drip down curling my toes throwing my head on the pillows allowing my mind to drift
I was in Chris’s/my room my head smushed in the pillows as his cock rammed inside me whilst I was on my stomach. His hips slamming against my ass and his hand wrapped around my lower stomach as I cried out his name
Fuck fuckk so d-deep- I whimper into the pillows as he was bringing me to my 4th orgasm, we had switched numerous positions and my legs were quivering in front of him as he laid a hard snack to my ass chucking behind me.
such a fucking slut letting me fuck you like this, imagine if ur brother found out his little sister was getting her pussy pounded by his bestfriend. He laid another harsh smack to my ass and I jolted forward.
stretched this pussy out so good- he groans rubbing my clit to chase both our orgasms.
ngh- o-oh shit- fuck- I gripped the sheets tightly curses of Chris’s name flew out my mouth feeling my eyes water from the angle of his hips thrusting allowing his thick cock to hit every single spot inside me
come on sweetheart cum for me, you have another one in you yeah? He grunted lowly in my ear kissing me sloppily as a string of Saliva parts from our lips each time we kiss moaning into each others mouths.
“Oh fuck Chris I-“ I curl my toes and yell loudly as I’m about to release on the toy before I look up and see Chris. Was. Watching me.
“Were you playing with yourself?” Chris leans on the doorway of my room his eyes darting to between ny legs as I was thrusting the toy in and out of me and I quickly covered up my cheeks flush with embarrassment.
“Uhm…maybe. Sorry I-I’ll be down in a second-“
Maybe I can help. Chris says closing the door to my room approaching my bed
@mattsleftnipple03 @bernardsleftbootycheek @sturniolopowers @gdsvhtwa @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @worldlxvlys @chrisslut25 @princessbetsy123-blog @mattslolita @guccifrog @blahbel668 @mattsneezing @trickywritters @hearts4chris
@nonamegirlxsturniolo @luvmxtt @theyluv-meee @mattsnymphette @hoesformatt @luv4kozume @kikisturnioloo @pepsiimaxx @babyddolly @iiheartstef @junnniiieee07 @ast3ro1dzz @sturniolowhore @st7rnioioss @emma4eva @braindead4l @ihearttsyouu @blondiesjailer @kqyslyho3 @sturnsfav @sunsetsturniolos @sturniololoverr @stqrnstars @dlyansworld @soimightlikeoldmen69 @abbie13sworld @lacysturniolo @sturniol0s @chrissgirlsstuff @leah-loves-lilies @luhsexcbihh @nicksmainbitch
#chris sturniolo#matt sturniolo#sturniolo triplets#sturniolo smut#nick sturniolo#chris sturniolo smut#christopher sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#smut#nicolas sturniolo#hearts4chriss#babyddolly is my fucking girl#🩷 nate doe’s little sister series!
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It's my first time requesting something on here, I am CRAVING for any Tokio Hotel member with a kind/sweet/obedient reader, I usually can't find stories/headcanons with them where the reader is a sweet and obedient girl, feel free to ignore this request if you want to.
Bae this is so me fr (for the most part😇)
Tokio Hotel with a sweet and obedient gf (slightly NSFW)
Bill Kaulitz
•hes completely infatuated with you. you could do anything you wanted to him and he would let you.
•he thinks that you are an absolute angel. He loves how sweet you are, it makes him so proud to be your bf
•would NEVER let people take advantage of you or your kindness. You don’t like disappointing people by saying ‘no’ but he has absolutely no problem doing it for you
• “sweetheart, you can’t do everything people ask you to. You are too sweet for your own good sometimes I swear.”
•he means that in a endearing way dw! He wouldn’t change a single thing about you
•he tries to test your obedience tbh. He’ll tell you to do something small then slowly start telling you to do more, but you never disobey him. And he makes sure to praise you very well for it
• “oh my, what a good girl. You listen so well, angel. Im so proud of you.”
•definitely is more of a soft dom with you, he can’t imagine being mean to his sweet girl🤭
Tom Kaulitz
•oh boy…
•you two are opposites. He’ll try to get you to do and say bad/mean things just to see if youll actually do it
•your hesitant because you dont wanna be mean, but you obey him and he immediately cant help but smirk to himself
•Bill always scolds him for it tho, you can’t escape mama Bill.
“Tom, Leave her alone! Y/n don’t listen to him, hes an idiot.” 😭
•he thinks its so cute watching you interact with his family. You’re just so sweet and they all love you so much. Hes so happy that they love you just as much as he does
•HIS MOM LOVES YOU. SHE TAKES SO MANY PICTURES OF YOU AND TOM AND SHOWS THEM TO EVERYONE. SHE CALLS YOU HER DAUGHTER TOO😭💗
•not to be a whore….but CORRUPTION KINK?? HELLO???
•LOVES pet names. He calls you princess, sweetheart, my love🤭🤭
Georg Listing
•LORD he is obsessed with you omfg
•you are absolutely everything to him. You’re his precious girl who could never EVER do anything wrong in his eyes
•literally refers to you as his ‘lovely girlfriend’ to people 😭
•his heart almost explodes whenever you do anything for him. Whether that be cooking him food, drawing/coloring a picture for him, or just giving him a small compliment, he’ll always be so so appreciative of it
•HES SO SOFT WITH YOU. He kisses youholds your face so gently while stroking your cheeks with his thumbs:(((
• “You’re such a sweetheart, you know that? I love you so much, my sweet girl.”
Gustav Schäfer
•hes also such a sweetheart, but he likes to pretend like hes all mean and unapproachable😭
•like babe, you are probably the cutest person here you’re not fooling anyone.
•you two are known for being the super lovey couple. He loves to show you off and you’re just happy to be there😇
•although you’re both sweet, you’re the only obedient one in the relationship. He such a brat and LOVES to push peoples buttons just to see how far he can go before someone actually gets mad😭
•BLUSHES SO SO HARD WHEN YOU COMPLIMENT HIM
•you guys are the embodiment of a praise kink. Neither of you can go 5 minutes without being and all nice and lovey dovey to each other
•dare i say….pleasure Dom Gustav…. GUYS IK I SAY IT ALL THE TIME BUT PLS YOU KNOW ITS TRUE
• “such a good girl for me, arent you?”
“Aww, you’re so cute, my baby.” Yes. HIS baby.😇
#tokio hotel#tokio hotel x reader#tokio hotel fanfic#tokio hotel smut#bill kaulitz#bill kaulitz x reader#bill kaulitz smut#gustav schafer x reader#georg listing x reader#tom kaulitz x reader#bill kaulitz edit#bill kaulitz fanfic#tom kaulitz smut#tom kaulitz#tom kaulitz fanfic#georg listing fanfic#georg listing smut#georg listing#gustav schäfer smut#gustav schafer#gustav schafer fanfic#gustav schäfer
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