#i can literally feel my brain breaking i am not going to survive the end of this game
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On a scale from 1 to 'has been listening to Violent Ceasefire from the MGS4 OST on a loop for the last hour and sobbing haltlessly whilst baking gingerbread' how well did you cope with that cutscene at the end of MGS4 ACT III?
#bro the more often i rewatch it the worse it GETS#the way Eva searches for just the smallest hint of Ocelot of ADAM#the man she's known for half a century and probably one of her closest friends now#the way you can see that sth else lurks below that cuntycampy facade of Liquid Ocelot#those miniature moments of grief and rage and a glimpses of a brilliant mind slowly unravelling behind the facade#the way the only thing that Snake knows to do when in blinding crippling pain is to call out for Otacon his one light in the darkness#'the only choice left to us is death' bro that line...u cant tell me there wasn't some ocelot peeking through there#i can literally feel my brain breaking i am not going to survive the end of this game#i hate mgs. i love mgs. i could not live without it.#this game really makes you go 'what the fuck is this bullshit why am i playing this kojima no'#literally followed by 'this is the most brilliant game ive ever played and it will shape me as a person for decades to come' 5 minutes late#blob plays mgs4
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Me: "Wow, I'm really not good at initiating communication. And the physical revulsion I feel at the idea of attempting to start a conversation with someone, even if I care about them, and how it feeds into my guilt complex, is something I really should talk to a professional about."
Me: "But instead I'm gonna make a song about it in my notes app."
#red rants#someone I care about is going through a really bad time right now#but everytime I think of talking to them I get consumed by doubt and my anxiety acts up so bad I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack#and I just end up feeling more and more guilty and spiralling even further.#but like. wtf am I supposed to say. “I do want to be there for you but my brain is so broken I can't start conversations. sorry!”#that's literally all I can say.#worse is that I've spoken with them once before and everytime I read the words over I cant help but notice just how robotic I sound#which is a huge thing for me apparently! I can't emote properly! With literally anything!!!#And the more the person I care about suffers while I have an internal crisis cause I want to help but my brain won't let me‚#the more I feel like I'm making it about me which just triggers my guilt complex even further which just makes it about me more and UGHH#communication impossible. having friends impossible. caring about people impossible. living in this world impossible.#I just wanna lay down and cry with no breaks for food or anything until my brain forces itself into action#maybe then I won't suck at basic things needed to survive and thrive in this world. maybe then I'll be better. ugh#vent#i guess#this one's heavier than the others so eh
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im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.
you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.
please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.
could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.
i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.
i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.
but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.
you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.
here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.
for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.
i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.
happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.
it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.
these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.
there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam
recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.
but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.
and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.
#i hope you are okay#i wish i could help more#i hope the pain eases soon#and i hope that you stay#ps . to those of you reading this thinking i should help you too: please just dm me#it makes me really#really really scared when it's anonymous#bc i cant check in with u#i am not a professional and i am not actually good at helping ppl through their troubles#this is an exception bc they are 16#not the rule#ps if u misunderstand ''being a teenager is the hardest thing i ever did'' when i mention briefly that i was in unsafe housing...#trust me. it was worse there. by like A HUGE margin#every person raised in unsafe housing nodding their head like . oh yeah worse stuff TECHNICALLY happened after but leaving that home was#legit the hardest thing i ever did
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I could wax rhapsodic over your writing for a small eternity, but I literally need to talk about how much I enjoy the parallels you have set up in each “before” section of this Bodyguard story. There is probably more than I even see but I’m still hyperventilating from reading that last chapter. There so much adrenaline in my veins right now—I feel like a bloomin silverback gorilla—
But I digress.
SPOILERS IF YOU ARE READING THIS BEFORE READING THE SECOND CHAPTER OF “THE FIRST GUARD”…
In the first chapter’s “before” Chan is called to do the mission but the “second best option” ends up with the assignment. Similarly in the present Chan is called to do a mission but Changbin (who is technically second best) steps in.
Both Changbin and Felix get the job because of who CHAN is. Felix is the next choice because Chan is irreverent and frankly unwilling. Changbin steps in because he believes Chan is inhuman and frankly a monster.
Both jobs are ones that will change their (Felix and Changbin’s) lives forever.
The parallels from the second chapter are even more elegant than the first.
Felix and the Daughter are on their missions with someone who sees more of the ‘truth’ and cares more about principles outside of the “mission” than they do.
Someone with a heart…
There is a significant moment of bonding/realization/transformation/etc. when each set of partners encounter a situation that is more complicated than they initially believed it to be—Felix/the Daughter are both emotionally compromised which causes them to make mistakes—and then Chan/Changbin step in to save their respective lives.
(And in both situations it turns out that MIROH is the deceiver. He is the bad guy even though it initially appeared otherwise.)
This restructures their world view and gives them something new to fight for.
Both times it is friendship.
(And also ‘what is right’)
Felix will eventually betray Miroh because of Chris—because of that day—because of that moment—because of that bond and the way it changed what he was willing to fight for.
Felix betrays Miroh to save Chris.
To save his friend.
And in the present, the Daughter betrays Miroh for exactly the same reasons…
The Daughter betrays Miroh to save Changbin.
Other things I realized…
The Daughter saves Chan’s life in the first “before” and they were punished together—apparently more than once. Something tells me this is really going to be significant in upcoming chapters.
Changbin does not not know that Felix thought he was dead and that kind of breaks my heart. Because…Changbin really thought Felix didn’t care.
I dearly hope Changbin is alive. I wonder if Felix and his Sweetheart have found some purpose in unraveling the House of Miroh… Or something? Perhaps they will help save Changbin…
Though who is the enemy now that Miroh is dead…?? AND is he even dead because honestly there may have been wiggle room there… (or I may have read it wrong. But since I’m going to reread it a minimum of 5 times I will likely figure it out eventually) People survive crazy things. Miroh may have injected himself with some crazy chemicals that helped him survive. Honestly in a story like this the possibilities are endless..
The Daughter is definitely on the trail of figuring out that Felix is alive. Whether she follows that trail…we will have to see.
I am dying to know what exactly it was that flipped the switch in Chan. I said it before in my unhinged post-first-read comment rant that perhaps his loyalty was always to her? Perhaps he was waiting for her to show signs of doing the right thing before he broke rank. Perhaps he feels he owes her? I am DYING TO KNOW.
There’s more. Maybe I will come back later when my brain has stopped swinging from the metaphorical chandeliers and rant about it…
One last thought though—
One of the central themes of this series in both of your stories really seems to be friendship and the bond that it can create. The purpose it can give. The power that it has to defeat evil.
How it can save you—in more ways than one.
Changbin saves the Daughter because he loves her in the same way (and probably for many of the same reasons that) Jisung loves Sweetheart. Their allegiance is to their best friend. Changbin could not have been more clear in that emotionally impactful impromptu midnight blood brother ceremony he initiated. First and foremost, even at the risk of their own life, they will fight to protect their friend. Both of those men have saved their respective best friends. I mean YES both Jisung and Changbin LITERALLY save their lives, but they also save their humanity—their heart.
And without their heart they would never be able to love Felix and (eventually) Chan…
My best friend and I have always said that we are platonic soulmates. We saved each other. Truly. Our childhoods were mirrored nightmares… but through it all the two of us held on to one another and because of that we never lost ourselves. Perhaps that is why this series means so much to me—why it moves me—because I know that type of friendship is real.
We both found our romantic soulmates as well… both happily married. But I don’t know if there would have been enough of us left to fall in love if we had not first learned how to love selflessly through each other—with each other.
I’m closing I must reiterate that you are a monumentally talented writer. Not many people can combine creative world building with sublime character crafting AND ALSO be a phenomenal wordsmith. Honestly I have said it previously and I am compelled to say it again—I am so incredibly impressed by you and in awe of your talent and above all just profoundly grateful beyond expression that you are taking time out of your day to write these stories because they are literally just so lovely and I look forward to them so much.
Your works are such a beautiful bright spot in the unpredictable shuffle of my life and I thank you for that from the bottom of my silly daydream-filled heart.
I know writing stories like this requires time and energy and I hope you know I happily will wait however long it takes you to finish each portion of this masterpiece with nothing but unending support and positivity. You’re bloomin awesome.
oh my goodness 😭💕💕💕 just so you know i woke up before 5am to get to work today and i felt so tired and bleary but reading this first thing immediately brightened me. i swear i had a good day today just because of this amazing message starting me off on the right foot 💕💕💕 thank you so so so much for taking the time to write such a review, AHHHH you’ve made me so excited to finish writing and post the next part hehe 🤭
i loooove that you noticed those parallels. and oh yes to the friendship theme, it is such a major part of these stories. i truly do believe in the life-changing power of platonic love. i really wanted a story where it was not lesser even if it was different. thank you for sharing your personal relationship to that! i am so flattered by your compliments.
oh gosh wow, comments like these truly make my day, it makes every hour writing absolutely worth it. thank you so so much for reading and messaging. I cannot wait to post more and i hope you will enjoy what’s to come! i obviously won’t spoil anything but i love to read all the thoughts haha
thank you so much again, all the very best to you 💕💕💕💕
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Low-key I can see as part of the "milking as much of the suffering" as the doctor could, Aizawa would have his memories wiped last, so that he deals with the mutation and nomufication on his own?
Which idk makes me curious as to how he would react to eyes appearing and the additional limbs (where the limbs grafted on? Grown?)
Like how did Aizawa sorta live with his own sorta downfall into yaumubre?
Let me preface this by apologizing for the pain I am about to inflict (I assume, for I am pained) and also for not drawing anything for this answer, AND for kind of going off on a semi-related tangent; I feel like this is good fodder for main comic content and I wanted to quickly get my thoughts out. Y’all are giving me good help with dev.
Since Yabureme’s “development” starts right after the USJ raid they’re still not… completely efficient with the Nomu creation, and Garaki is still working on perfecting higher-end Nomus, the actual action of wiping memories is going to be more of a helpful side-effect than an actual step. Like, they definitely need the memories wiped to help ensure obedience, but it’s not “pull the lever, Kronk!” = memories erased. So for Yabureme it’s a gradual spiral into nothingness, little bits and pieces going missing every day of the time he’s “in development”. Every day, every hour, some memory is suddenly gone until in the later stages he remembers nothing, but retains these survival reflex feelings of fear and guilt and ANGER and that SOMETHING is wrong but what is it??!?? And then when the process has ended even those unsettling feelings are gone. Newborn baby boy Nomu.
Imagine if you will. The first and most agonizing stage, injections and infusions, passes, and the overwhelming nature of it all shoves him into a fever. They can’t risk overdoing it and allowing the fever to set in so bad it destroys his brain, so they have to let it break over a night or two, during which our poor lad hallucinates. Literally the first intelligent thought he’s had in a while because you just can’t think when in that much constant pain, and it isn’t even a real thought! One guess who shows up in those hallucinations. The fever eventually passes and he’s finally tossed into a capsule for the longest part of the process.
BUT NOW! THE MORE I THINK ABOUT THIS THE FURTHER DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE I GO. Because GUESS WHAT! HE WOULD HAVE TO BE BLINDFOLDED THE WHOLE TIME!!! Because if he’s allowed to get his eyes on Garaki to erase his quirk at ANY time during ANY of this, that’s at least annoying enough to debilitate the doctor into not being able to work at pace, if not outright kill him after long enough of a stare! Aizawa spends WEEKS in darkness! And then when the quirks are taking hold in his body and the eyes start appearing, there would ABSOLUTELY be fluctuations of unstable quirk activation because of everything he’s going through, which means Garaki’s job becomes even MORE difficult later in the process because you can’t blindfold the whole man!!!
Moral of this disjointed brain vomit: he’s upset. And desperate to stop whatever they’re doing to him. And afraid, but mostly fucking MAD. Aizawa at least gets to be a pain in their backsides until the end. ☺️
#nomu aizawa#shouta aizawa#eraser head#I feel like I did everything but answer the questions posed here but my brain wouldn’t stop#Yabureme Aizawa AU
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real dweeby navel gazing time
i think one of the reasons i am having genuinely, so much fun with this gunter slowburn fanfic despite sitting at a literal 53k words rn and with it probably being close to 90k all said and done, is it's ... writing the ship i see myself in the most by far on both sides.
like, ever.
this shit is the rawest most honest shit i've ever written.
i've talked a little bit about how corrin's memory wipe stuff is literally a 1:1 to my anesthesia/childhood surgery/physical therapy conga line of bullshit. even aside from the helpful textual 'here's how this works from a medical event standpoint' there's the 'here's the emotional scars that it will leave because yes it is a bodily/mind violation of a sense, over and over, and jesus all of this of this stuff goes so well thematically to the straight up fantasy bullshit of nohr with the underpinning of being hyper-aware to the themes of "power" "use" "what it takes to survive by emotionally dragging yourself through a minefield" etc. stuff i've been ruminating over since being conscious lol.
then my body's so whack from a physical joint perspective that there's also almost word for word conversations from gunter's side that i've had with my gf about how to navigate certian shit from a kink perspective but also like... how to maintain dignity when your body's kinda physically crapping out on you due to the march of time.... without loosing the sexytimes u know?
the concept of dignity in the face of being broken is a huge theme in this fic that gets echoed. very poignant for reasons you fates players know.
amusingly there's a scene near the end where corrin's helping him to shave after his stroke. (in one of fate's "clearly having a giggle at my expense" coincidences i've been in contact lately irl with somebody who's also gone through a stroke and man is it not easy) and it's this kind of perfect blend of she's helping him, technically, with something that could just be... god awful self loathing brainspace wise for him but it turns into this amazingly hot kink scene with some serious sizzling power exchange.
the dream, man!
there is a real thin line between being able to laugh at yourself *while* keeping that dignity to pointedly.... having to not look in the mirror some days. desire and shame being some real fucked up entangled wires too, in that sense.
the tumblr uwu approved discussions re: tricky medical/'my body is crapping out on me man and i can't hide it'/kink shit and having to be ~valid~ all the time gives me the hiiiiiveeeees man (and i'm not knocking it for other people, i know why it exists, but it sends my hackles up u feel).
and yet this fic still feels like, hot, in the fun sense.
there's enough fun whacko fantasy taboo elements in it that it doesn't feel .... oh no this ain't sexy this is Too Real, you feel, or too much like a trauma fic(tm)
there's the sexy yandere villain ossan (lol), corrin herself has one hell of a sex drive (and honestly that's yet another huge focus, that wish fufillment fantasy of this 'pure fragile princess chick that's fought over like a prize by everyone else' who gets to choose 'no i actually want the hot villain kthx'. she actually rants to him several times about being fought over and having everyone else from nohr/hoshido project all the shit on her.
(and him being all, I got you, I get it.)
he actually does!!!! that's the funniest darkest most ironic thing!! he's got that weird blend of being aware enough from a kink perspective and just 'went through enough shit' life perspective of why sometimes the most sacred, profound thing you can do for somebody is to break them when they ask for it. sometimes in the dark u just want the brain wires to go bzzt.
there is a weird as hell comraderie in the sense of facing very specific demons that only they have (which, again, hilariously, goes so well with the themes of revelation! invisible enemies/demons that only you two know about.)
and then i have like yet another essay in me about how literally every character i've RP'ed is a suspiciously similar to his whole... archetype.... like all of my RP partners have gravitated to playing the chicks in the het relationships and i've always RP'd the snarky older guy going through life snarking at shit and being a closet misanthrope (there's probably some presentation/gender-aligned stuff going there but this is already navel gazey as hell lol)
anyway
tl;dr i haz feelz
#bla la la la ~#the dad jokes in the fic make it worth it too#idek this came about when i caught myself genuinely finding it easier to write gunter's POV scenes. though i dig corrin's a lot too.#motto of writing this fic (said in the voice of the classic ms. frizzle): make it weirderrrrr
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If I’m being honest: an Eric van der Woodsen playlist (x)
Tracklist (and commentary!) under the cut
1. “Free To Decide,” The Cranberries. I'm free to decide, I'm free to decide/And I'm not so suicidal after all
1. “Free To Decide,” The Cranberries. I'm free to decide, I'm free to decide/And I'm not so suicidal after all
2. “12345,” Em Beihold. "You need a hug, are you alright?"/“Nobody's loved you much tonight"/Only the mirror tells me I'm fine
3. “Family Line,” Conan Gray. It was really this bit from the chorus that had me going for this one: I'm so good at telling lies/That came from my mother's side/Told a million to survive—but I think there’s really something to the way that Eric just has William written off when he shows up, and that takes a lot of emotional work to do that happens off-screen but I still think about very much
4. “Unsteady,” X Ambassadors. This playlist does kind of just embrace the cringe a little bit and I’m okay with that. Hold, hold on, hold on to me/‘Cause I'm a little unsteady, a little unsteady
5. “Dance Music,” The Mountain Goats. In which I will never be over the stuff that comes up in 2.07 about lily’s various exes
6. “I’m Not a Cynic,” Alec Benjamin. I swear that I'm not a cynic, my glass just has no water in it today
7. “Breaking Free,” Night Riots. I feel violent/Like I'm dying/I feel broken, maybe I'm just breaking free. [sticks a toothpick in the boy’s brain] uh yeah he’s not done yet
8. “Pressure,” Paramore. Seriously tho Eric during the year Serena was gone is so fucked up I wish the show had let us talk about him more. Some things I'll never know/And I had to let them go/I'm sitting all alone/Feeling empty
9. “Wouldn’t It Be Nice,” The Beach Boys. He is gay <3
10. “Creep,” Radiohead. He is gay and depressed
11. “Jason,” BONNIE PARKER. So yeah uh. Asher thing
12. “Shut Up!” Simple Plan.
13. “Inhaler,” Foals. I'm make believe/And I'm up for rent/My head is spent/I guarantee
14. “Hold Me While You Wait,” Lewis Capaldi. So tell me, can you turn around?/I need someone to tear me down.
15. “Blackbird,” The Beatles. Told you I was just going for it.
16. “Cursive,” Billie Marten. And we'll be fine, there is an end/It hurts to fall back again. There’s an ericfic on ao3 that I haven’t actually read, but it’s got a tag about fluctuating mental health and that definitely has the energy I was feeling here—he’s chronically depressed, and that is what it is
17. “Honesty,” Billy Joel. Okay but like. Fuck the UES. Honesty is such a lonely word/Everyone is so untrue
18. “Babel,” Mumford & Sons. Then the walls of my town, they come crumbling down/You ask where will we stand in the winds that will howl. When he says he’ll basically be ten feet away and then literally never appears again
19. “Heart Open,” Kodaline. Always on the outside, too afraid to open up, and talk/…/And you're not broken/So keep your heart open now
20. “Like a River Runs,” Bleachers. I’ve looped back around to thinking about that pre-series year again, a little bit. Tonight, I sit over the parkway/The summer's gone and I'm alone/And I get the feeling that you're somewhere close/And I wanna get up/To the rhythm of your wild, to the rhythm of your wild heart/It beats, been beating since you've gone
21. “Trenches,” Set Your Goals. You're falling in love with the skyline/Nothing comes for free:/Can you put a price on feeling satisfied?
22. “Lost Highway,” Bon Jovi. Yeah, I'm busting loose, I'm letting go/Out on this open road/It's independence day on this lost highway
23. “You Cannot,” Erin McKeown. You cannot cage me, I revolt/You cannot contain me, I bolt/I am not caught because/What I got, got you can't hold, hold
24. “Born to Run,” Bruce Springsteen. Seriously I just find it so interesting when characters actually leave on this show, and it’s even more so for Eric because of all the characters he actually grew up in the UES, and there’s this way that its played as something that traps you, and yet he just basically goes ‘no <3’
25. “Heart lines,” Florence + The Machine. Just keep following the heart lines on your hand/Keep it up, I know you can
26. “We Are Golden,” MIKA. Running around like a clown on purpose/Who gives a damn about the family you come from
27. “everything sucks,” vaultboy, Eric Nam. I really like this one in the way of just… it feels kind of comfortable. It isn’t being all the way up in the way that some of these songs are
28. “Evergreen,” Bears in Trees. But I must possess the thought, that progress is a process/And it ain't one step backward if you rotate your axis/Realize that a slip up is just part of the practice
29. “Hand in My Pocket,” Alanis Morissette. And what it all comes down to/Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
30. “Lights,” Journey. California!Eric my beloved
#eric van der woodsen#gossip girl#it’s HERE finally i have finished it#attempted suicide /#abuse /#<—for in a few of the songs#original nonsense#this is a playlist tag
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having my mom need so much support and disability is so stressful to be around and has made existing harder than it usually is
told my dad i struggle on a good day
i keep having mental breaks
my only breaks are when i dissociate while playing games or listen to asmr falling asleep but even then i get smacked with reality constantly
its hard enough taking care of myself i am not built for this and the guilt is only making it harder
my mom has done so much for me and i cant do anything for her
i feel useless on top of it like i havent been eating but asking my dad to get me food isnt an option because he is constantly helping my mom... hes in his 70s and most of the work goes to him i dont want him to wear himself ragged because ill actually lose it if anything happens to him
i keep fantasizing about going down to the river to stare into the water and my paranoia says thats dangerous like im gonna do something dumb but realistically i just need out of the house
problem is as with doing literally anything i frankly dont have the energy
i can barely eat sleep or do anything more than the ABSOLUTE bare minimum
my will to live is being sucked out of me more and more by the day
i need out of here but anywhere else is too expensive and im poor
grateful i work from home so like i can mask it all to earn enough money to survive cuz if i still worked in store id be missing work
im just so lost and everything is a haze i can barely function
where can i turn is there a light at the end of the tunnel? is the rest of my life doomed to look like this until she passes away? i dont want to wish for her death but i see no other salvation...
wish someone would come save me but help is so far away (literally most of my friends are long distance and anybody nearby cant do anything of impact)
my dad is the only one i can find hope in but he has so much on his plate and at his age putting more on him makes me feel terrible
maybe im going around in circles but thats about how my brain has been lately. best i can do is survive and do what im told in ways that make the most minimal issues possible
id rather starve myself than be another burden
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I’m experiencing something similar.
It’s complicated but to put it short I wanted more and they didn’t. I understand their concerns and I know I should end everything for the best. But unlike you I’m still sticking around and hope they’ll change their mind.
I know I shouldn’t be but it’s just hard to cut them out completely. Sometimes I don’t even know what I should do.
naurrr i'm sorry 🫶🏻I know it's literally so hard and devastating 😭
I can tell you what helped me go no contact and begin to move on. Feel free to disregard it and know that I'm really empathetic to your situation and I am giving u a big hug or a fist bump, or whatever u prefer!!
To be honest, I had to come to grips with the reality that waiting around and being available to them will not make them appreciate or want me. If anything, they will find this behaviour a turn off and even if they don't—they'd only see me as a back up option but the second anything "better" comes around, they'd leave thinking/knowing I'm going to be around and available for them. And that's just an endless cycle. It's not to say they're a bad person or anything, but psychologically, this is typically what happens when we think someone is always going to be around.
I have to love myself more anything and realize that's not the kind of relationship I'd want. I had to keep telling myself that I want to be with someone who also wants to be with me. They didn't choose me, and it isn't to say anything about my worth. It's just not mutually compatible despite my own feelings about it. I can't force someone to feel the way I do, and waiting won't change that.
The second thing was seeing the relationship for what it is: attachment. Sure, there was moments of genuine bonding and connection, but the second we refuse to cut someone out, it's because we are attached to them, not the connection/bond. This makes it hard to let someone go because you've told your brain that you can't survive without this person. That's why it's so painful when you're breaking up and going no contact and it feels like something is literally being severed. It's an addiction and you're going through withdrawal.
The way I needed to think was that, yes, I know I am attached to this person, but I will survive without them. I was before and I will after. We should focus on connecting in dating vs attaching. Connecting means we feel heard, seen, and understood. And we only do that through conflict and repair over and over to see if that person can step up with us. Ultimately, we need to choose ourselves and not wait for other people to choose us.
This means: if the connection and bond goes, we have to as well, and it'll be very sad but we will also be okay.
In the end, the hardest thing you will ever have to do and stop giving your love and time to people who aren't ready to love us. It's instinct or habit to want to try harder to try to earn someone's love but if they tell us they don't want what we have to offer and don't want to offer anything to us, then we are only robbing ourselves of time, energy, and sanity.
I don't want to lose my mind over someone who isn't choosing me.
No contact is the first step in healing. It's the first step is loving ourselves and making space to give our love, time, and energy to the person who one day wants to give us everything we deserve.
I love u lots and wish u happiness 💘💘💘
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I don't have anyone to talk to, so sharing my story for the day like this ...it aint nice , so feel free to ignore it, I expect no reply or comments, I am aware you owe that to no one
I am tired ... Both physically and mentally, I am tired of living, of being alive... I woke up exhausted , despite sleeping through the night, which is rare these days ... I got to play my video game, which was really nice, I got a bit better at it, and made quite a bit of progress... Then I got into an argument with the one who tells me they love me ... Still hovering over some words that hurt me deeply a few days ago ... And I don't know how to fix ... everything... I am tired, I am trying to fix myself, I am trying to get better, but how should I when my 1st thoughts in the morning are "why dafaq did I wake up again" ... I am lost and I am required to get my shit together, fix myself because it's all my fault ...I know it is, but ... I don't know what to do ... I might be childish for thinking of extremes like this for going through hard stuff in life , but its not just this ...this just made the feeling more powerful... when I was 6, my birthday wish was to stop living, I remember it vividly... I don't know if its just me making myself into a victim, seeking sympathy and validation ... Damn, this whole message is to a certain point lol .... So its not that far fetched of a theory, yeah?! ....idk
I will go to bed tonight hoping tomorrow morning won't come, its a ritual at this point... but I know it will, I will wake up and I will feel ... Whatever dafaq this is ...again
Hi anon. Take a deep breath for me, please? Maybe sit, drink something warm and sweet, get a blanket and cuddle up.
I want you to know I was where you are recently. Really recently. This semester was really rough for me, and I understand the fatigue, the draining, all encompassing sensation you must be feeling right now. It's so much energy to even recognize where you are right now, and I can only imagine how much hurt you've endured that your soul has decided to simply shut down. I'm sorry you are going through this. I truly, genuinely am.
I know how hard it is. Trust me when I say I understand. I have battled depression for over a decade. It is an exhausting battle. I once told a partner it's like being stuck in tar. The more you struggle, the worse it gets. Your brain literally attacks itself like an infection, and it is a truly horrible, vicious condition. I genuinely never want anyone to go through it.
This may not be the advice you want, and it may not be what you want to hear. After almost half my lifetime living with this, it is what's true.
It does get better. I swear, and I promise it does. There will be a day when you look up and you realize the dark days are over, and though it happened gradually, so slowly you didn't notice, it did happen. You'll look up and realize the sky is blue and vibrant and beautiful, that your favorite dish tastes better than it did the last time, you'll feel laughter in your chest as you stand beside the people that love you.
But you have to fight for it. I know it sounds cruel, I know it is so scary, but in the end the only way through is through. You have to fight and battle for every inch and it's exhausting. It is tiring and so often miserable. You need to take breaks, to rest and be gentle with yourself, to treat your soul and nurture it like the tender, fragile thing it is.
In the end, things will be better. It takes an amount of hope to fight, and you take it where you can. For me, the thing that at one point kept me alive was my determination to finish The Stowaway. I told myself 'I cannot go until I finish this' and later it was the cat I fostered. Even later it was because I wanted to fulfil my promise of eating lunch with my friend one more time. For others it is simple as making sure your houseplant survives. Whatever it is you reach for it and you hold tight, as tight as you can, and you use whatever that thing is to drag yourself out.
Anon, I don't know you, but my heart aches for what you've gone through. I know it's hard, I'm not saying it isn't. You are allowed to be sad, to grieve and wish you weren't here. But please, do not give up. Do what you can, take the victories you earn no matter how small. and slowly, with time, you will realize the darkness is slowly going away. I believe in you, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Please take care.
#suicide tw#tw depressing thoughts#depression tw#Please do something kind for yourself anon#Every day#personal#personal post
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omg art i just saw your tags on the animorphs post you rb-d: are you a fellow animorphs fan?? who was you favourite character? which book was your favourite? and what did you think of the ending?
ahh Ari hi!! Yes absolutely I am a fellow animorphs fan! It's the first thing I can remember getting Really Autistic about, actually. I found one of the books in a charity shop when I was in middle school (I just remember it was a Jake POV book) and I have vivid memories of going to my friends on the field during break asking "are you visser three? are you visser three??" and explaining about these shapeshifting kids to anyone who would listen – or, well. More often anyone who wouldn't listen, but I digress. Then in 2021 I downloaded all 54 books and (re)read them over the course of like three weeks, sometimes I was getting through three or four books a day. It sure was A Time lmao.
I imprinted hard on Tobias in middle school (which on rereading I realised was because there was something deeply resonant to me, an undiagnosed autistic child, about how he struggled to be human). I still love him so much, but I actually found myself getting quite attached to Marco on the reread which was? not at all what I expected?? I've literally just seen your post where you quote him on ruthlessness, and I think that actually captures why he appeals to me now. I'm a Big Fan of ruthless characters now and I wasn't as a child, but also there's just this particularly delightful sort of tragedy to his character in that like.. he had to grow up really fast, even before the plot of the books started (as did Tobias and Ax, and they're also my faves so. I think it's obvious I have A Type here), because the way things were with his dad basically parentified him. I also love the comparisons between him and Rachel in the types of ruthless they are; they're both very much of the Do Whatever It Takes mindset, but Marco is the one who plans the What It Takes part while Rachel is the Do It element, and that makes my narrative foil-loving nerd brain go BRRR.
I truly can't pick a favourite book, which I wish I could say is because I loved them all but really it's because my memory is simply quite bad 😔. But! The one where they meet the Howlers haunts me and I think about it regularly.
As for the ending my brain sort of. Breaks. Every time I try to have coherent thoughts about it because there is just So Much going on up there. The two points that stick out to me are the different paths that Cassie and Jake took, and Rachel's death. I loved that Cassie and Jake didn't get a happy ever after-type ending together; Applegate said that the war had changed them too much, and she stuck by that when I think a lot of children's authors would have walked it back for the sake of making readers happy.
Meanwhile Rachel's death felt like it made sense and it fit with the tragic feel of the books, but I also spend silly amounts of time wondering what if she hadn't died. What if she'd survived, how on earth would she have gone back to life afterwards? Could she have? Like, her entire character arc had gone beyond this point of no return; she embodied the war on the yeerks in a way that none of the other kids did, and her death sort of symbolised the death of that war, so maybe she had to die. Maybe it would have been even more tragic if she had lived, and spent years afterwards trying to find something to give her the same rush of adrenaline that she'd come to feel as normal (and even to crave). I don't know. It's an entirely too thorny question for me to ever unravel in a satisfactory way, I think.
But then again, the entire series is one big tangle of thorny dilemmas without satisfactory answers. That's why it's so good.
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do you ever just dissociate for a whole day at work and you can't parse the difference between thoughts you had and things that really happened? or videos you watch on break and things that actually happened irl?
my body has been so tired this past week or so. I'm so exhausted and irritable today, i don't know where it's coming from, and it sucks because the tiniest things I just don't have the patience for anymore. and work went fine, i just suddenly got very sensitive to everything. I work in a gym and the locker rooms smelled really strongly despite not being any different than before. all my senses were heightened, and it kept feeling like things were wrong in situations where there wasn't anything amiss. I was just on edge.
I know it's a trauma response and I'm still trying to figure out what triggered it, because I felt pretty good my first few hours there. the only thing I can think of is that this guy came in today, and we strongly suspect he has been stealing people's wallets out of the gym lockers. so that got my adrenaline going, and I guess that must have started it. but I don't know why I didn't cool down from that. I just felt very out of whack for hours after that. not horrible or even bad. just dissociated. sometimes I didn't even know it.
and then tonight, i got home and looked at myself in the mirror, didn't recognize myself because my trauma brain thought i was back to being 15, and i was just like, "wow, my whole childhood and teen years were like this 100% of the time." like I realized i was constantly disconnected with my body, like operating a weird mech suit that I couldn't even control very well, and all my downtime was spent daydreaming about being literally anywhere else. any other universe other than this one because I hated my home life and my unpredictable dad, around whom it was like walking on eggshells, and I believed everything he said about me. I believed everything the world said about me and my body and my purpose too.
like fuck that shit. fuck my whole childhood for feeling so fucking unsafe. I cannot believe I survived all that and ended up where I am now. I can't believe I'm finally lucid and calm sometimes. this shit happens sometimes too but I manage. and I got the fuck out. now I'm here. I'm free. and fuck anybody who said I had a good childhood. my family and the people in my family were traumatized and just passed that on. I'm stopping it. it's ending with me.
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15 Things About Me
Shout out to @faithinwalls369 for the tag. I'm actually writing the final chapter of my fic this week which I've been really quiet about, and literally none of my mutuals on a discord server know about because I'd never mention something like that, so this will be brand new information to those mutuals.
Anyway, I made the decision to make sure I take breaks from writing it and rambling here seems like a perfect break so buckle in friends.
Are you named after anyone?
My cousin's middle name is Imogen.
When was the last time you cried?
Lol. When I wrote the A/N on the last chapter I posted which was like a day and a half ago. And before that it was earlier that day when I was talking about a sad fic. But I'm PMS-ing so that would be why.
Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Yes, but I wouldn't say it's my main mode of humour. I looked into once because my little research brain needed to know all the types of senses of humour there were. I'd say mine is 'self-enhancing humour'. Which is like self-deprecating humour except I think all my 'negative' qualities are hilarious. .
What’s the first thing you notice about people?
Probably what they're wearing. Not in a judgemental way, but just, I think it tells you a lot about a person.
What’s your eye colour?
Hazel. But I met my husband through a mutual friend and we were at a music festival and for some reason Brown-Eyed Girl was playing and I was like 'I have brown eyes' because I'm amazing at flirting but now he insists I brown eyes even though they are definitely hazel.
Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings unless I don't want to sleep for a week straight.
Any special talents?
Convincing myself I have every life-threatening condition that exists. Surviving on an average of four hours of sleep a night. Publishing 215,000 words in ten weeks.
Where were you born?
Australia. In the same city I live in now.
What are your hobbies?
...I wrote 215k words in ten weeks, I don't have time for hobbies. Only hyperfixations.
What sports do you play/have you played?
I've played football (soccer), basketball, dance, swimming and I was terrible at all of them.
Do you have any pets?
Two black cats - Theo and Luna, and a black lab puppy, named Oreo.
How tall are you?
165 cms.
Favourite subject at school?
I only really did the whole schooling thing to socialise and I left when I was sixteen (but ended up going to uni after) I did best in English and Drama. I'm good at non-calculator maths but my brain couldn't cope when we were expected to remember complex formula's. In year 10 (so like 15-16years old) my maths teacher hated me (because I did fuck all) but I was in one of the top classes and he literally said he had no idea how I was in there. But our first exam for the year was non-calculator and I got top of the class and it was one of my proudest moments.
I also enjoyed Biology aspect of science and I was good at the Health/Physical development aspect of PE/H/PD (although that was mainly because I was an autodidact when it came to sex-ed). But then, years later I got my Degree in a health care field.
Dream job?
So... when I was eighteen I created a bucketlist and the very top of it was to publish a book... and I didn't care how it was published, I just wanted to be able to write something and have people read it... and guess what? This week I am writing the final chapter for a 200k+ word fic that people have actually read. But I also love my other job that actually makes me money. Honestly right now I feel like I've reached the self-actualisation level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs... so I can only go down from here. And I've leave you on that pleasant note.
<3 <3 <3
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After spending hours this afternoon trying to work on something only to end up:
Breaking two tools I can’t afford to replace
Injuring myself
Having made the problem I was trying to fix worse instead of better
Realizing that this happens to me most of the time
Well, I think I have been avoiding facing this far too long. I am simply utterly incompetent!
Not joking.
Sometimes I know what to do, but I lack the skill or the strength or the money for parts or…but a lot of the time I don’t know. Maybe the vague idea, but not the specifics, and my situation is always just enough off research just points me wrong.
Maybe I’m just an idiot.
What really sucks is that my father was ultra capable, and because Pop and I thought alike everyone, including me, expects me to be ultra capable too.
That’s not fair! I mean, Pop was a genius.
I mean literally a genius in the classic IQ way (IQ is bullshit though, remember that!) but also in what he could do. Tell him build a bridge without modern tools, and he’d design it, cut down the trees, run them through a belt saw mill, and construct it himself so well you could run a tank over it. He was making a submarine from scratch. Where I just daydream stories, he would design sterling engines in his head for fun.
He was so good at stuff, constantly building and making things, using every tool imaginable. He seemed skilled at everything. Construction, electronics, survival skills, actually pretty much anything but musical instruments. TBH I think that’s mostly because he expected to be good at playing without spending time. Oh, and sports. He just hated sports! LOL (and Mom LOVED sports and had been an athlete!)
Pop’s head was overflowing with stuff. Ask him about his favorite areas of science (geology, physics, climate, actually just about everything but human biology) or history or politics and he could go off on it for hours.
I miss that, us out there fiberglassing on layups that could take hours, and talking the whole time. I miss talking to someone that’s interested in everything and never having to worry about being misunderstood or losing or offending the person.
I miss his brain soooooo much! I used to call him my external hard drive. Mom was our calculator and spell check (which is AMAZING since I can neither spell nor do math in my head…and yes, she was extremely smart too), but Pop was everything else. “Hey Pop, quick question about nuclear physics….”
But this is a major source of my problem. I was his side kick. He was The Doctor and I was the companion. I was good at that. Very good. Trouble is I don’t know quarter of what he knew. I don’t have him to ask what to do or how to do it. Every single day I realize how much I took being able to talk to him for granted.
I also certainly don’t have his magnificent, big, strong hands capable of both brute force and the most delicate of detail work. My hands just fumble.
Pop and I did think alike. It never occurred to me he was all that unusual because we got each other. Heck, half the time I acted as a kind of translator when he’d get too frustrated trying to get someone to understand. **
I’d certainly have never called him a genius (and only recently discovered in old papers that he actually technically was…’cause like I said, IQ is bullshit) and TBH, it feels weird to use. I can say it now that he is dead, but to say it about the living sounds like ego stoking crap.
I just thought he was interested in everything and he cared about everything and everyone. All curiosity and intense emotions. This seemed normal.
Pop was a sweetheart and I loved him dearly, but the loss of that wondrous mind of his felt like an extra tragedy when he died. I’d lost my father, my best friend, and my boss….but the idea that that brain was gone from the world was devastating.
Only later did I realize how much I’d lost. Yes, I’d helped him with everything, but I’m not him.
Frankly, compared to Pop I’m an idiot. I flail about cluelessly. My brain doesn’t record things. Once a task is done it gets erased, and so everything I did with Pop got deleted long ago. Just vague shapes of jobs, but the skills are gone. Forgetting means I have to reinvent the wheel all the damn time.
When Pop was alive I felt we could do anything. For too long after I’ve expected myself to be able to continue that indomitability. If I just kept trying, working at it, never giving up, thinking things through, I should be able to do anything too.
But I can do nothing.
For months it has been failure after failure, my world crumbling to dust around me. Not one thing I have tried to repair or create has worked. I make things worse, break things, ruin things. even things I had a modest ability at I no longer seem able to do (just look at all my sculpting, or better yet don’t).
For the first time in my life I really feel worthless, useless, pathetic…I almost even hate myself. Of course I have no one, no friends or family left. Why would anyone be able to care about someone with nothing to offer? I can’t even coast on being cute or funny when I’m ugly and no one gets my humor.( Is it really humor if no one else laughs?)
Today’s task turning into a disaster I don’t know how to fix was like a final nail in the coffin any sense of self respect, pride, and hope that I had. If I couldn’t do this, not a simple job of fitting some beams, drilling some holes, and pounding some nails…..
I dunno. As a little girl I was good at everything I tried. Now I’m good at nothing at all….not even sleep obviously! LOL
** “It’s in my head!” **He’d mime reaching into his head and throwing it at yours** “If I could just get you to see!!!” And then I’d sigh and find the words for it since I could see it too.
#my day#rant#vent#depressed#frustrated#pop#family#father#frustration#problems#failure#i am such an idiot#rambles#venting#venting again
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No. 5, or "Spell Pharaoh. Tell me what the FTC does."
"Name a single hobby of your's outside of media consumption."
That satiric and honestly iconic TikTok by Glamdemon2004 (a head's up that there are no captions on this video) has lived in my head rent free since the I saw it on Twitter.
The fatal read hit me on two levels.
I have very few hobbies. I used to have some amount of hobbies when I was younger. I wrote when I was a teenager and was a voracious reader. College slowly stripped me of any love of reading. It wasn't until I entered grad school that I realized the anguish I felt picking up a book. Writing, too, has lost its luster (although this blog is an attempt for me to reclaim that).
All of my hobbies are media consumption. I hate to call the mindless and mind-numbing scrolling I do on Twitter, Reddit, or Youtube a hobby, but it's how I spend all of my not school time. There are reasons of course. For me, media consumption fills time and it provides much needed audiovisual stimuli for my melancholic neurodivergent brain. Of course, there's also nothing wrong with consuming media. Humans have been creating and enjoying the creations of others forever, but idk...the Frankfurt School and the critiques of popular/mass media also haunt me when I sit for hours just doing nothing but staring at a screen.
It's also something that has bothered me for years. I've often wondered how other people pass the time. How do people find things that bring them joy? That fill the day with someone other than doing the things they must to survive capitalism. (a lot of this is the melancholia speaking, i know.)
And on a less depressing note, how do people find things that they like to do? I wasn't a child who played the piano or did a sport, so there's no like childhood thing for me to return to. I quit almost everything I was in as a child the moment things got challenging and no longer enjoyable. I've left a wreckage of potential hobbies in my wake, so my goal this year has been to find the joie de vivre in something and a smaller side goal of that to quit less things.
Enter Crochet
I've learned/re-learned how to knit off and on for the last 15 years probably. My last return to knitting was in 2018. I was desperate for literally a n y t h i n g to break the monotony of gym, class, spend hours online, homework, sleep (but probs not even bc of insomnia). I started knitting for something to do with my hands while I was watching Youtube. Like all my times knitting, I quit (I plan to return to knitting at some point because I think knitted socks look nicer than crocheted socks). When I quit knitting, I thought that maybe at some point I'd take up crochet since it seemed easier thank knitting.
Towards the end of 2022 I was gonna start knitting again, but a barrage of posts on Twitter showing beautiful crocheted items convinced me to give that a go.
And, I like crochet! I find it easier to get in a rhythm working the stitches, working up a project is fun, and even the moments of frustration feel encouraging, rather than a reason to put down the hook. It's also an activity I can do in silence without feeling like I need to have something else to do to occupy my mind. Hopefully glamdemon2004 is proud of me because I finally have it, a hobby outside media consumption.
I am a wee beginner crocheter and I love to start new projects all the time, which is something I love about crafting! I can work on different projects depending on how I'm feeling. Currently, I'm working on:
Yearlong mood tracker blanket (using this pattern from TLYarn Crafts).
Face scrubbies made out of a cotton/bamboo blend to replace the disposable cotton rounds I use (linked here)
Granny square beret (linked here)
Oh and a sweater I'm gonna frog because the ribbing in the pattern is Not Fun to Work! If you have any beginner friendly patterns using a category 3 yarn, I am all ears.
Crochet has not cured me of my media consumption woes or tendency to sadness, but idk Marx was on to something. Having the fruit of my labor in my own hands does give a burst of serotonin like no other.
P.S. Also, I made another account to reply from (theblogwiththelilactattoo) because I refuse to have this account linked to the primary blog I haven't used since 2010!
#gradblr#phdblr#grad school#crocheting#crochetblr#crochet#hobbies maybe aren't overrated idk they do add spice to life
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jack in the box thoughts if u care. warning this got long as hell and obviously i am reading potentially sus english translations soooo take all of this with many large pinches of salt. JUST LET ME LIVE, I LOVE TO ANALYZE SHIT OKAY.
god i really love this intro a lot. it's giving audiobook in the car lmao but i do think it's the perfect introduction to the concepts of the album for those who are maybe unfamiliar
"hope gave people the will to carry on living amidst the pain and strife" no lies detected
okay but his TONE on pandora's box and the way his voice gets more and more intense it's like.... you can hear the pressure of all of it building. omg. ALSO THIS FUCKING CHORUS.
fucking hell i love this style of music for him it puts his unique and versatile voice on display so well. nothing to distract from it.
more dance break ✨✨✨ still such a banger ugh
OKAY THE BEAT OF STOP..... and wow these lyrics. "there are no bad people in the world" i'm sorry did y'all hear that???? pretty sure jung hoseok just said transformative justice???? abolish prisons and policing?????? ahem sorry i'll stop
AHHHH I WASN'T READY FOR = (equal sign)
HE SAID TRANSCEND/BEYOND GENDER..... I'M ASCENDING......... i'm ready for the post-gender future,, hoseok take me with u 🥺
oh my god his VOICE and the VIBE of this chorus...... give it to me 90s fantasy!!!! I NEED MORE HOBI FALSETTO ALL THE TIME WHY HAS HE BEEN HIDING THIS FROM US i'm driving directly to hybe to FIGHT SOMEONE
music box: reflection ...... *chuckles* i'm in danger (DO IT HOBI UNLEASH THE SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON DO IT DO IT)
oh my artistic analysis ass is LIVING for this directly after equal sign so much to fucking UNPACK abt the concepts of equality vs. like, actual justice OOH OOH OOOOOOOH
damn i literally just had to take a breather when what if... started. no offense to those who love it but sooome of the lyrics in equal sign rang a teensy bit hollow to me (i am sooooo over the 'we are one race 😌 the human race 😌' crap ya know,, although there were definitely a lot of great parts abt respecting differences/not needing to all be absolutely the same in there too! i am not dragging the song lol!!!)
and for him to turn around and slap us in the face with THIS?????? oh i am RIGHT THERE WITH U HOBI omfg. like IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE....
HE REALLY SAID MAYBE IT'S ABT MY PRIVILEGE AND NOT JUST MY WILL OH MY GOD. KING SHIT.
"I wonder what hardships and ordeals mean to you
Since you only walked up intact stairs"
!!!!!!!!!!! JUNG HOSEOK
holy fuck i need someone to come hold my hand. i may not survive to the end of this album.
god this idea that it's so fucking easy to talk abt hope and optimism (and yes, equality!!!) when you live a privileged life. i'm literally about to fucking cry. i love it so much i cannot BREATHE.
thank god for the whiplash of safety zone i need these tears to go back up into my eyeballs lmao
ooooof these lyrics tho. i have so many feelings abt celebrity/idol culture and gosh i just wanna give him a hug. it's gotta be so hard to feel like there are so few people you can trust and be entirely safe around or even just points where you feel like you can actually REST (my trauma brain sure knows that firsthand 🤪 and honestly i'd imagine being an idol impacts the brain similarly to complex trauma..... i am js,, we can unpack that later if y'all want)
"I like animals better than people these days" - felt, hobi, felt.
future is such a cute lil bop aaa! i appreciate him reminding us that HE needs to be given hope too 💜 AS I CANCER I CAN RELATE TO ENDLESSLY GIVING.... you gotta help yourself before you can help others babe!!!!
this song is so lovely ~ it's giving positive nihilism ✨ and that sometimes it's okay to take the next step even if you don't know what's coming and you're scared. i hope he feels this way about the hiatus honestly 🥺 babe absolutely deserves it
ugh and arson as a closer feels so damn correct. i watched the MV already so it's not my first time hearing it but this after everything else we just went through...... it's so fucking perfect. burn down all the shit that no longer serves you.
and i also just love the metaphor of everything he's been through being like arson bc it's like, sure, "i set the fire".... but obv he (and all of bangtan) had NO IDEA it would get as big as it has (like any out of control fire).... really i'm sure they felt like they *had* no control after a certain point. seriously the perfect metaphor for it. uncontrolled burn that eventually either has to burn out or keep going and engulf the mf world. and i trust them to make the right choice. 💜
damn alright well. i have tears in my eyes still. what a fantastic fucking album. i am so proud of / in love with this man. and 'what if' is OBVIOUSLY my favorite song it's not even fucking close sdjfkljsf
DAMN LOLLAPALOOZA MIGHT ACTUALLY KILL ME
#mposting#hope u enjoyed my essay✨#it got unhinged once what if.... came on#i'll never be over that song holy shit
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