#i am: suffering so hard
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the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.
sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.
you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.
it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.
but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.
they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.
they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.
barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.
and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.
but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.
they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!
this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.
#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone#yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post.#writeblr#ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person#and on this blog we support workers.#at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going.#when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens#have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists#and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like.#it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases -#at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory.#it was what i had seen.#and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference#we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol'#so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender#and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID.#he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different#i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.
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Stay with me, Birdie...
for Apex Polarity by @naffeclipse
#apex polarity#orclipse#orca!eclipse#polar nights#photographer!y/n#naffeclipse#idk how y'all learn new drawing programs#i am SUFFERING#don't make a blind girl learn a new drawing program it's so hard!#I was gonna render this but I couldn't figure out Krita and my eyes hurt :')#sorry naff#but! the Feesh
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I was looking at your Halloween posts of the HoM and a thought occurred. Is Ben's extreme fear of ghosts/spirits and stuff related to his experiences with Ghostfreak/Zs'skayr?
And how did such fears affect his initial meeting with Danny?
Yes it is related! Original Ben10 run always gave me an impression that beside Vilgax, Ghostfreak/Zs'skayr left probably one of the most lasting impressions on 10-year-old Ben. After all, imagine you are 10 and you can tranform into aliens, but one of them almost takes over you and nearly kills your family member. Like??? I would be having an existential and identity crisis, not to mention the nightmares about not being able to control your own body and hurting your loved ones???
And sure, he defeated Zs'skayr multiple times, but I like to think that his fear of being controlled/taken over by Zs'skayr (or anyone) left one of the deeper scars on his psyche (amongst like a bajillion of others).
So, yes, that fear and trauma did affect his first meeting with Danny >;) very badly.
Their first encounter was full of misunderstandings and miscommunications all around (sort of like what we see happen between Rex and Ben in Heroes United but even worse) AND it didn't help that Ben was... let's just say, not in the greatest state of mind at that time and Danny didn't have the most rational and calm reactions to the situations either. Both had their own valid reasons, but it's still wasn't very good, lol.
There are also two very important extra circumstances surrounding their meeting that contributed to their reactions, that I dont want to spoil, because it would be more fun to try and tell in a story. xD
And there hopefully will be one, because Danny&Ben first meeting is one of the flashbacks that I had a lot of ideas for AND is important to the AU.
#que?#hom au q&a#hom au#danny phantom#ben tennyson#you have no idea how happy this ask made me when i first saw it#cause i made the 'ben afraid of ghosts' mentions twice and wondered if anyone noticed >;3#i literally cackled when i finally got the ask because it made me >;)))))#makes it more awkward now that i took so long to answer. eeeeeeee sorrrrryyyyyyyy <;D#i say im excited about trying to tell about their meeting but i am also suffering about HOW to tell it#why is plot building so hard? D;>
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just ! one !! headlock !! comin !! right !! up !!!!..(:/@<]#]*.?,'x??'suahsoajfsjfs
#i am gasping for air#its hard to breathe out here#being a jk girl is not for the faint of hearts#im suffering in so many waysgdjsjsndk#pls .... just take me OUT
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Just picked up MH4U again for kicks and giggles and got my ass beaten by a Cephadrome
#ink thinks#it has been literal years since i played and i am now acutely reminded why the older games were so hard#monster hunter#monster hunter 4 ultimate#pain and suffering etc etc
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"I have no sister." The words were knives. What do you know of my heart, priestess? What do you know of my sister? | Jon VI
--metaphorical knives at feigning neutrality regarding his sister
Jon fell to his knees. He found the dagger's hilt and wrenched it free. In the cold night air the wound was smoking. "Ghost," he whispered. Pain washed over him. Stick them with the pointy end. When the third dagger took him between the shoulder blades, he gave a grunt and fell face-first into the snow. He never felt the fourth knife. Only the cold... | Jon XIII
--literal knives from breaking that neutrality to save her
#jon snow#arya stark#asoiaf#valyrianscrolls#it's like poetry it rhymes#Jon is just destined to suffer over his love for Arya huh 😭#god when is it finally their turn to reunite and be happy??#people read this and really think he would've done the same for anyone other then Arya?? the delusion is strong#gatekeeping their relationship from the heathens that try and turn Arya into just a /proxy for family/ y'all aren't worthy#George did NOT have to go this hard when writing about them but I am so glad that he did#/Jon will want me even if no one else does/ you have no idea 🥹#and when Arya parallels this by leaving the FM when she hears of his death I'm gonna be losing my mind
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richarlyson's latest book: translated
page 1
i've come to the realization over something important about my conscience . . . about my memories . . . i'm not able to prove that i'm real . . .
page 2
and everything that i saw . . . in lapses . . . of a callous pain . . . agonizing . . .
page 3
i can't prove that i'm real . . . [alternatively: i can't make myself [be] real]
page 4
i can't . . . but
page 5
proving to that which i call me . . . that exists . . . these paintings exist . . . they are real . . . and consequently . . .
page 6
i'm real
page 7
:>
page 8
. . . the vibrant colors . . . will continue . . .
page 9
and the upcoming pieces that i see . . . as well . . . for i need to be here . . . i see a distant island a lighthouse a bell clouds the ocean . . . an ocean that reflects a dark sky . . . beaches . . .
page 10
and no one can leave this place. [alternatively: no one can leave here.]
page 11
3/3
page 12
i'll still be here. we cannot escape.
#icarus speaks#qsmp translations#GOD these r so hard to translate#bc there's so much Connotation behind richas' words#that insinuate a certain thing#as WELL as the literal translation#which is why some parts have the alternative translations#bc both ARE accurate. it's just that i'm not sure which direction he's going with it#so depending on the context he intends it could mean Different Things#portuguese is an EXTREMELY contextual language and for that. i am suffering#unreality#ask to tag on the ‘i’m not real’ stuff as always!
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Once long ago I looked at a handful of AUs where Cas was a demon or fallen angel allied with hell since way back when Lucifer rebelled and I went that's neat I wonder if I can think up a motivation for him to end up in that situation that feels in character to me personally and the end result was an AU where Cas as a warped former angel and literally was hell. As in he had constructed it as a pocket dimmension out of his body and as he was fed more souls it just kept growing, and if you went down deep enough you could find him down there and he would almost certainly swallow you whole because he was a being of toxic all consuming love for humanity in all its forms.
#spn#Ill explain the specifics later pwrhaps but its six am and I forgot to sleep today#Castiel#see the thing about confronting the consciousness that forms the deepest pit of hell is that it loves you#it loves you so much it never wants you to leave#and you're a demon your existence is defined by suffering and by absence#to claw your way out of that blackhole presence first you have to want to#and it's so hard to want to
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Anyway i should post these to my OC blog but I keep mentioning Ymber here and so you guys are getting forced to see him.
In Deacon's defense, he doesn't think it's weird that he likes being alone in Ymber's temple considering they first met /when he was alone in Ymber's temple/.
In Ymber's defense, he knows Deacon has no magical powers and so the whole resonance with the dead is unexpected cause he's never seen Deacon talk to the dead because he's always on duty around Ymber.
So. (jazz hands) Deity of Wet, Ymber.
#my characters#ymber has so much stress and trauma and guilt packed in that lil body#also he tries really hard to keep hyping deacon up to fulj because every single time the two interact#she reports back to ymber to complain that his follower is really weird#so hes like okay gonna make a mild conversation and then deacon says yeah i like to listen to the dead#and ymber is like dude i am trying to help you out and reduce the freak label and you say shit like this#anyway ymber is suffering and i cant stop making him suffer and he has so much trauma#this is the third look for ymber cause the first two were incorrect and so yeah#finally got this dumb guy drawn
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i have no justification for myself.
#their faces are so expressive tho it’s great#still they are just. so sad.#anyways ignore the bottom right that was for like younger mac n charlie but i am suffering from same face syndrome so hard rn#iasip#iasip fanart#mac mcdonald#dennis reynolds#my art
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Watching Dave trim our grass while I get eaten alive by mosquitoes
#our lawn is crispy#the garden is a raspberry jungle#I have never cared for a yard before and this is so HARD#my sister is still doing most of the work (thanks cat) and I am suffering#Dave’s loving the long grass at least
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i think spot admires jack very deeply and looks up to him a lot but would rather be stabbed to death than ever say that out loud. btw. i think jack respects spot and everything that he's done more than almost anybody else in the world but would rather be set on fire than admit it. also.
#i think race is long suffering and good at convincing both of them to be more normal around each other#i think spot worries that jack looks down on him because he's younger#and jack worries that spot doesn't respect his leadership because his approach is so different#when really spot sees jack and understands that jack is doing exactly what he does but in a different way#and jack sees spot and sees a young person who stepped up and did better than he feels like he could have ever done at that age#they both know there's mutual respect there. they refuse to acknowledge it because it's hard. it's scary.#why admit there's more than raw nerves and an understanding to be left alone when they can stay as they were and not have to change anythin#race is like guys be best friends you'd be so good at it.#and spot is like no i need to be distant and aloof so he sees past my age and respects me as I am (he already does)#and jack is like no i need to be tough and unsocial so he understands I'm not just a friendly niceguy leader (he already does)#anyway a personal fave hc of mine that at least used to be fanon if it isn't still#is that jack and spot knew each other in the refuge and spot is several years younger than jack#i think like. 3-5 years younger.#newsies#spot conlon#jack kelly
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i went to happy hour with a few friends yesterday (…what started as happy hour) and i looked VERY cute but also i am SO hungover now and suffering through a 9AM meeting 😫
#like this selfie is GREAT#but i need you to know that i am suffering so hard now#i woke up around 4AM bc i can’t sleep when i’ve been drinking#i’ve been reading steddie fic all morning lol#also i missed last nights 911 episode so i hope it was good#kat liveblogs her life#about me
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omg! world's most hyperspecific self-indulgent crossover just dropped! (it's the locked tomb. it's a nier automata tlt au.)
#look im mentally ill about both of these series ok? ok.#2b9s are soooo necrocav to me#eighth house because uhhhhhh. ok fine its because i wanted an excuse for them to keep their funny little blindfolds#BUT ALSO i think the spirit stuff is a good stand in for hacking and theres a lot of potential w/ soul siphoning. you know. for suffering.#although it would be funny as hell if 2b was second house and 9s was ninth#second or fourth house honestly might be a better fit but i think the religious overtones of the eighth r interesting too#unrelated ill take any excuse i can to put 2b in masc outfits#i really do think i am uniquely ill about this game ANYWAYS read tlt it goes so hard#nier#nier automata#tlt#the locked tomb#fanart#crossover#my art
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advice on getting a job as a teenager? like do u truly just go in there and ask
i worked like five different (shitty minimum wage) jobs by the time i had turned 18 and honestly sometimes it really does come down to just going to your local shitty fast food joint and tracking down the 38yo manager named Ryan or Rick or something and asking if they’re hiring and hey, they are! cuz john who did the food prep just got arrested last week soooo when can you start? how bout right now? nah you don’t need a uniform c’mon get back here. look here’s how you work the giant industrial meat slicer! now you gotta slice faster than that because dinner rush is in twenty minutes and—
#asks#other advice?#i know online applications are big these days#but HONESTLY a lot of places that routinely hire teenagers don’t check those regularly#in my experience at least#so it’s good to go in-person too so your name and number won’t be lost to the void#what elseeee#try and watch for red flags#i worked in some bad places because i was desperate#but good luck!!! welcome to The Workforce#if you’d like more advice feel free to ask!#i suffered through a tonnnn so i am happy to pass down my hard-earned wisdom
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we had to put my childhood dog down this week so i painted this for my mom and got it printed on a big blanket. she doesn't know yet
#mine#dog painting#im having a hard time believing he's gone bc i wasn't there for it and he's been a constant in my life for as long as i can remember#but his last hours were horrible bc we couldn't get anyone to come out and do the damn job so he just had to suffer#le sighhh#sorry just take this image#i think my parents are more fucked up about it than i am since i don't live with him
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