#havent talked to the girl i met before i moved in months. i remember telling her we'd stay in contact. i'm kind of a joke
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#i havent talked to any of my friends in so long...#original friend group all kinda drifted away. the smaller more recent circle of friends i made i had to leave for my own sanity#havent talked to the girl i met before i moved in months. i remember telling her we'd stay in contact. i'm kind of a joke#rose...#i miss you too if you see this i'm sorry. it's just been impossible to do anything besides go to work#it just all feels so. overwhelming. the idea of messaging anyone even a little#ive barely even been talking to faenix#havent seen any of my irl friends in months#i dont even know if i want to.... i just want to curl up in bed and stop existing outside of my immediate responsibilities#it's easier to be a non-person. just ignore the outside world. all i really need is to work so i can survive#as long as i have games and i can order good food thats all i need i guess#its not as though ill ever feel comfortable in my own skin#or around people#i just need to rot
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Fascinated by your sarah z hate- would love to hear more about this if you’d like to share. My experience of her is just that mediocre Homestuck vid or something she made.
lmao yeah sure i guess i can expound on it
i should preface this by saying that i dont think shes like. a bad person. and i dont have some secret knowledge of problematique things shes done that we should all Cancel her for.
tl;dr i just think her videos are really bad. she keeps making videos about stuff that i was there for and then being wrong about them, and it drives me crazy. on top of that, it just rubs me the wrong way to make your whole brand "the lady who talks about tumblr"
like, i think her homestuck video sucks (and i think its very funny that she admitted that she only spent a week making it, but ALSO got really defensive when people said she was wrong about stuff. like, i think the way whatpumpkin and andrew hussie responded to her video was Bad but also that doesnt retroactively defend the original video from being poorly researched and, in my opinion, in bad taste. it was weird to make a video where you talk about all the controversy about hs^2 not that long after the whole project got cancelled because too many of the trans women working on it were receiving daily death threats)
and i think the mcelroys video sucks (that was the last one i watched before i gave up entirely. its really long and very boring, and basically is just her listing a bunch of stuff they did that people had problems with, which essentially puts "travis was annoying on twitch" on the same level of seriousness as "taz: graduation used a lot of harmful native american stereotypes". i genuinely am not sure what the point of this video was supposed to be, because it feels like its her reading a tumblr callout post. also she was wrong about taz: amnesty. the ending WAS foreshadowed, it did NOT come out of nowhere, she just wasnt paying attention.)
but the onceler fandom video is honestly the absolute pits. i am still friends with a lot of the people that i was in the onceler fandom with, and i genuinely havent met a single former onceslut who thought her video was good, or the least bit accurate. her thesis basically boils down to that the onceler fandom was just a bunch of young teen girls projecting fantasies onto a nonthreating decently attractive fictional guy, which isnt that weird and people are only making a big thing about it because they hate teenage girls. and her conclusions arent WRONG, per say, since people DO hate teen girls and this is a thing theyre known to do... its just. thats literally not what the onceler fandom was at all?? first off, when i got into it i was 17 and i was the youngest person i knew by far. almost everyone i saw in the fandom were in their 20s, and a lot of them were not girls at all. and as far as any of US remember, the thing sustained the fandom wasnt 13 year old girls exploring their nascent sexualities, it was people using the barest pretense to make OCs, and then craft stories with and about their friends OCs. it was a really cool unique experience because it was a fandom for the things the fandom built. a lot of the people i knew had never watched the movie The Lorax at all, or didnt really care about it one way or another, but DID get really invested in the dynamic between Swag and One, or got really invested in the two big AUs the fandom had. By the time i got there, most people had kinda moved away from the canon onceler anyway, and were focused almost exclusively on the AUs (there was a high school AU and a zombie apocalypse AU, and then during the summer the high school AU blogs would do a child summer camp AU. i liked the zombie one best because i love melodrama, but the high school one was most popular). i know she was IN the onceler fandom (allegedly...) but as far as i can tell, she was just there at the very start, because it changed WILDLY even just a few months after its inception. and there's no way anyone who saw the fandom that I was actually in would make the sweeping statements about it that she did.
broadly, her videos are too unfocused and not really well-written. her one on Oppa Homeless Style was a genuinely good video!! I know she CAN do good videos!! But so many of her more fandom-focused videos dont really seem to have a thesis beyond "this happened" or maybe even "this was kinda weird right?". like what is the viewer supposed to take away from the video about the mcleroys? that they made a podcast that was really popular and then got less popular? why did that take you TWO HOURS to say? and even when she does have a strong thesis, its always muddied by the fact that she feels compelled to add in really long, boring digressions. I think the video about All or Nothing was good, and made an interesting point about how pan and ace people are really starved for meaningful rep, but i dont understand why she felt compelled to recount the entire plot of the webseries someone made? what did that contribute to the thesis? its like shes reading a wikipedia page, and not like. an actual ESSAY. that someone structured to convey a POINT.
but overall i just take umbrage with her whole "tumblr historian" shtick. i think its kind of gross to put really niche (generally woman-dominated) subcultures on display so people can come gawk at the freaks. ive heard the defense that "she IS a fandom person!! these videos are FOR fandom people!!" but 1. if its supposedly supposed to be for me and NOT an audience of people unfamiliar with the thing shes talking about, then there would be no need to spend so long explaining what everything is, and 2. i can at least say, in my own subjective experience, that i said basically all this to my sister, who told me that thats why she likes sarah z at all, because the videos let her come gawk at all the fandom freaks on tumblr. so its cool that sarah z is giving the person who bullied me my whole life (specifically because the way i engaged with media was too cringe) more reasons to bully me for being cringe. big preesh sarah. glad youre making money off of the free content all of us put out, and even more glad that youre profiting by taking all that free content and presenting it to a largely hostile and judgemental audience who already thinks im a fucking idiot. why dont you make a video about my popular hamlet post next, since you seem to make videos exclusively about things i did.
anyway if i want to watch video essays about fandom, i'll watch princess weekes, whose videos are substantive and not... idk very juvenile. not that i think there cant be more than one youtuber talking about fandom!!! its just that sarah z's videos are mid at best and actively bad at worst, so im not gonna bother.
(all that being said, i occasionally look at her blog and reblog stuff. while shes working down in the tumblr mines looking for content to steal, she does frequently find some decent posts to reblog)
#this answer is so long and for WHAT#this is so inconsequential LMAO. but sometimes i gotta be a little hater. and i was directly asked.#also i cant stop thinking about how a friend and mutual of mine described her as a 'failed tumblrina'#anyway. thanks for asking. i am ready to defend my opinions at all times but no one ever asks#...do you all still like me even though i took the time to write all this nonsense
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so speaking to my mom on the phone this morning, i asked her something ive asked her before, but im always hungry for more details.
'what was i like as a kid?'
i dont remember what i was like before 20 or so
so i ask her again, only this time, she asks me a follow up question.
'which ages are we talking?'
i like this answer. shes engaged with me. i like moments like these, where i feel like im actually speaking to my mother, and shes actually hearing me. usually it feels like im being written off.
'what was i like when we lived in south dakota, and compared to how i was when we moved?'
we lived in south dakota until i was seven. after around my seventh birthday, i was bombarded with thing after thing after thing until i was a different child, she's told me before.
she tells me something similar, but i get more details this time around.
when we lived in south dakota, she tells me, i was very happy. i had an abundance of energy and curiosity, i never ran out of things to say, and i was convinced to make friends with anybody i saw. i was really outgoing, she tells me.
she cant see me, but im nodding along.
i remember these times. life really was idyllic, from my point of view. i had two loving parents, and we lived in a pretty nice house in a beautiful neighborhood. i had a baby sister i adored, a dog and a cat, a swing set and a bike. i had friends in the neighborhood, at school, in girl scouts, at gymnastics. i was active. i had so, so much fun. and i really was happy.
when i was seven a cascading series of events turned everything i knew over, and the catalyst was the day i remember a knock at the door.
when i answered, i was met with a tall, lanky man who looked unfamiliar to me. but he was happy to see me, so i suppose i was happy to see him.
this was my dad, they told me.
i remember not really understanding. what do you mean, this is my dad?
i have a dad, he's right there.
but this is my real dad, they said. we were going to go hang out for a bit, so we did. he took me to the mall to play in the arcade, he took me to the fair, and i had fun.
this is my brother, he told me. this made me happy. i really like family, i was happy to have more. he was a little older than my baby sister. i havent talked to him in over ten years at this point, but thats a story for another time.
things were strange and new, but i still had fun.
that fall, i started at a new school.
my mother had gotten out of the air force and it wasn't convenient to drive me to my old school by the base, so i started taking the bus to school. i really didnt like it, leaving all of my friends at school. but id make new friends, i thought.
school wasnt very fun from that point, i had a hard time making friends. i didnt have to experience that long. a couple months into the school year, my mom told me we were moving to california.
so we loaded everything up. my grandmother flew out to help us make the drive. we took the cat, and left the dog and fish. my mother, grandmother, sister, and i began the couple days drive to the west coast.
nobody told me my dad, the one i had always known as my dad, would never be coming with us.
i ask my mom what i was like after we moved.
i grieve the person i was before, because i never got to be them again, and i dont know who they are anymore. i miss them, and im trying to get back.
she says i changed.
i no longer made friends. i came home crying from school every day. every day. when, months later, my mother finally told me that she and my dad were divorcing and he was never coming to california with us, i was crushed. my mom took a job in san diego, about an hour commute, and so i began to barely see her.
my new school was really bad.
i dont know why i was made the target. maybe it was the speech impediment. maybe its because im neurodivergent, and they could pick up on it, maybe in ways younger kids couldn't. maybe it was because i was one race, and that race was by and large a minority in this school.
all i know is my entire class bullied me. the teachers were complicit. the administration was complicit. and i was a little kid who was so scared.
one day in third grade, my mom finally got the chance to come to an open house. i was so excited, she didn't get to come to the school often. it was hard to get off work.
this next bit i dont remember, this is a story she told me. my heart breaks for the child that had to endure this.
we walked into my open house and the entire class, in unison, turned and faced us and exclaimed, "Ew, it's ____!"
and then... everyone just went back to the open house. all the children, all their parents, the teacher, like nothing had happened. even me. everyone except for my mother, who looked on in horror as she tried to process what had just happened.
she didn't say anything. she made it through the open house. ig bc i was so happy to have her there and she didnt want to ruin it.
she phone the administration the next school day. this was not the first time she had called. she demanded to know why nothing was being done about this.
the principal told her that maybe if i didnt wear dirty clothes to school, i wouldn't get picked on.
as if it was my fault.
im sorry, i really loved that casper hoodie. it wasn't dirty, it was just stained, and i loved it, and it was not a valid reason to make me feel like scum.
leading up to this, i had a rough go of it. the summer before third grade i had inexplicably gained a lot of weight, which just egged the kids on more. i cried at school, so they made fun of me for that.
after that open house and that phone call with the principal, my mom pulled me out of the rest of the school year.
i returned at some point for a field trip, where the kids were eerily nice to me, but they couldn't take back how they made me feel.
i wish this was something that only happened at school, but it didn't. in my neighborhood, kids i thought were my friends eventually started bullying me, too. i remember one valentines day in particular, i went to a friends house, only to be ambushed by the neighborhood boys who hid in trash cans to surprise me and they all started pelting me with spiky Sweet Gum balls.
this wasnt the worst thing to happen in that neighborhood.
all of this to say, by the time i finally moved to a new district for 4th grade, i had a lot of emotional problems. something she told me today is that i had a deal with my new teacher, that i would get a prize if i could make it to the end of the day without crying.
i wonder then... if she saw me cry so much, why did my mom never get me help?
#radtalks#cw for bullying ig??? idk#this has been on my mind and i really needed to get it out#im still bitter that so much joy was taken from me and ive had to claw it back#and tbh after typing all that out#and knowing how much more there is#i seriously cannot fathom why nobody stepped in to help me#i understand why it happened from her pov but i still just dont get why it went down like that#anyway :0) this started out fun to write at least
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Back after a while
Hi,
Havent been here for a while because there has not been a lot to tell you. Last time I wrote here, I talked about a boy who made feel terrible. Well, it kinda lasted for a whole summer. Getting over it was a long process that I was not ready for. The funny thing is, when I think about it, it was not much to get over of, but it took so long and I cannot say that I don't think about it at all anymore. Theres a few glimpses here and there sometimes when i reminisce about summer. I would say that this night changed my summer and i grew and changed a lot because of this. But I feel that was needed. I needed to evolve from young and more stupid me. I am still stupid and young but with some kind of wisdom.
What can I tell you about myself now. I would say I felt pretty confident in my body this summer. Wonder why? Remember how I told you I could not eat for few days? Well, it kinda continued throughout all summer, it got better, but still eating very little and I felt happy about it. Its always like this: Shitty mental health, great body and vice versa. Never both great.
Then in fall, school started where I did not have time to think about what had happened in the last few months. I concentrated on my studies, luckily these are very corporeal which means I can keep my body moving and muscles growing and most of the time I like what I see in the mirror. Well, not in the moment because we are on a break so I obviously dont move so often right now.
But when I thought I had learnt from my mistakes that I made in summer, I was completely and utterly wrong. I started talking with this one guy and we hit it off from the beginning. Our conversations had a nice flow and we talked a lot, there was no embarrasment. There were a lot of RED FLAGS and I knew things that he did not know I already knew. Ofcourse, inherent for a girl, I blocked all the bad things and looked past all of it. First thing I did wrong. One moment it was destined I met him in real life. I cant even say he was the best looking but I really liked our conversations and I value it so much more: The mental and conversational bond. Well, ofcourse after seeing me where he could not even look me in the eyes(ptsd from summer) things took a turn. I noticed how he did not respond to me so fast and how his texts were not so full of meaning like these were before. Again, I was struck with reality of talking with guys, again I give away too much trust. Back to level 0 where I had just upgraded from. I felt the same way I did in summer. I was just another doll people can play with and get bored at some point. Again, someone could not look at me after we had had talked a lot and shared even more. Stupid of me, I tried to get it back but I just made a fool of myself. So, I decided to stand up straight, to not look back down and move on before I get even more caught up in it. For him its easy of course, I was just someone who took away boredom. I let go, I am more than boredom take-away. He will understood what he let go and then its already late. I have to know my worth and some day there has to be someone who values me for me.
I AM BETTER. I DESERVE BETTER. I NEED TO DO BETTER.
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1. Early Day
Zack sat on the bench at his father's mini garden. He can feel the peaceful of wind blowing right towards his face. The calmness and saltiness of sea breeze touching his skin. His finger marking the page of the book on his right hand as he take a short break from his reading. He glance through the page he marked. It is on page 142, and that means he got 143 pages more to finish the fiction he read. Reading is always his passion from his young age. For him, no matter where he goes. Books is a compulsury thing to bring along with him everywhere. His reverie broke as his phone beep for a notification. He grabbed the bookmark on the table infront of him and put it between the pages.
His hand dive into his pocket and take out his phone. He swipe the screen to unlock and saw instagram notification. One messegas in his inbox. Callum? Who is this guy?. He opend the text message
"Hi, how are you?" Callum texted.
Zack open the profile of the sender while ignore the text. He stared at his phone's screen. Speechless. Why this guy seems familiar. Zack just realized that Callum is friend of Mae, a girl that he used to text few months ago before he with Matt. Zack move his sight towards grass on his left side. The hissing sound of wind blowing and rattling sound of dry leaf drag by the blow. He hesitate to replied the text.
What he need from me? Is he Mae's boyfriend?
I remember Mae post his picture on instagram story before this.
Did he want to warned me or confronted me for texting his girlfrend?
Should I reply him? Should I? Or just ignore it?
Getting a random messages from strangers is not a new thing for zack. With more than ten thousand followers, he expected those random text. Some are normal text asking if they can be friend with him but some just wierdo that hitting his inbox.
"Hi! I'm good. Thanks for asking." Zack immediately lock screen of his phone to avoid any unwanted reply from Callum.
" I think I saw you before this on Tinder."
Wait. On Tinder? It's been a months i havent open it. Did someone pretend to be me?
"Oh really? Did we swipe each other?" Swipe each other means that we mutually like each other profile and ready to go for next step to know each other.
"No, we are not. I just scroll through those profiles" Callum replied.
Zack started to feel uneasy with the situation. His head starting to think a lot of possibilities. Is he Gay? It can not be. He is Mae's boyfriend.
"Actually it's been 3 months i havent open thats apps. I dont know if that's really me you saw on Tinder" Zack wrote.
It is really been a while zack did not open his dating apps since he met with Matt. But last three months he have a trust issue with Matt that makes him decide to open his TInder in hope he can forget about Matt.
" What you look for in Tinder? " Callum asked.
"Hmm just wanna make some friends. How about you? Why you on Tinder?" Zack asked him back.
"I'm looking for a light fun" Callum sent with shy emoji at the end of his text.
"What's that?"
"Ah! Nothing, just forget it." He replied back.
Light fun? What is that mean? Just tell me Bro. This make me more curious when you avoid to answer.
Zack opened his Whatsapp and about to ask Matt about the "light fun" thing.
"Hey, what you doing? I have one quick question" Zack started a conversation with Matt.
"Nothing just waiting patient's blood test. What's up?" Matt answer
"Someone just hit my DM and talk something about Light Fun thing. What is all about?"
"Who's that? He ask you for a Sex. A foreplay. Hmm how to say this? He about to do unpenetrate sex with you"
Zack Stunted for awhile. Is this real? He looking for a sex partner in Tinder?. Zack knew and fully aware that people used to look for a 'friends-with-benefit' in dating apps but he did not expect this from someone he mutually know.
"There's a guy in Instagram. I think i know him. Not like know-know but more alike i know his friend. He said he saw me on Tinder in which i have not opened since I am with you and he said he was on Tinder because he looks for 'Light Fun' buddy" zack explained to Matt.
"Just ignore him." Matt reply briefly,
Zack lock his phone's screen and stroll around the mini garden. His mind still thinking about Callum. Is he for real? I thought he was with Mae. Or maybe he just pretend to be with Mae so people would not know that he is gay. Is this why Mae always told me that she have issues with her boyfriend?. Zack walk pass thru the balcony and grab his book before enter to the house. He just ignore his mind. For him it is nothing to do with him and not important thing to think.
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If I may. The Four Lords with a reader who is a child of the Bakers who moved to the village, for whatever reason, like a year before Eveline showed up at the house and infected them.
How would they handle the news that their humans parents were infected for years and are now dead? Like would they try to hide the deaths, would they be honest and tell the reader about what happened and how would they go about comforting you? Would they try and track down Lucas and Zoe to bring them to the village?
Long Lost Baker with the Four Lords
(This was an interesting one! Very fun to write!! Thank you for this and I hope you enjoy it! I added Joe cause his dlc was bussin)
Alcina Dimitrescu
She had no idea about your family background
And didn't care to ask you, since you never brought it up
But you where in the library with her
Picking out a book, when you came across a file
"Huh. You knew about the Bakers? They were my family."
"Oh?" Alcina asked, raising a brow at you, "Well they were killed. If they wher-"
You paused, shaking, "What? They... they where killed ?"
Alcina moved to your side, putting a comforting arm around you
"Yes. My Love... did you care for them?"
You nodded, almost choking on your emotions
'Dead.' You thought
You didn't even really say goodbye
Your father, Jack, didn't want you to leave the safety of their home
But your mother, Marguerite, insisted that there was more to the world, than just that old ass swamp
Zoe and Lucas really didn't want you to leave either
But you left, Lucas helping you navigate away and Zoe giving you some money, that she saved up
"The mold... The girl, Eveline, she took over the home... and your parents are gone. But your siblings and uncle live."
You looked at her in shock, you didn't know who Eveline was
But some of your family was alive!
When Alcina saw the hope in your eyes, she smiled, "What would you like me to do?"
"Try and bring them here! Please!"
She nodded, your wish was her command
For months, she had known you might want your family with you
They were being held away from the Castle, so she could surprise you
Though getting Joe and the BSAA soldiers that surrounded said home
Joe was also taken
"Come. I have something to show you." She stood up, towering over you, keeping a hand on your back
You stood, letting her lead you out
Through the Castle and Vineyard, you came up to a house, small enough for a few people
You heard yelling, a familiar voice
"LET US OUT YOU GIANT BITCH!! FUCKIN-"
"Will you shut up? She said, there was someone here we knew."
"HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO WAIT TO SEE-"
You rushed to the door, kicking it down
"OW!! GOTDAMN IT!!"
Tears welled up in your eyes again
"LUCAS? ZOE!? UNCLE JOE!!"
They were speechless as well
What a happy family reunion!
Tears and hugs were given
Joe stood up, from hugging you three, to look at Alcina, "Thank you from keeping my youngest (niece/nephew) safe."
Alcina looked away, "No need to thank me, human. I didn't care for any of you, but I knew this would make them happy."
Angie and Donna Beneviento
Angie noticed that you had been feeling a bit down lately
So she told Donna about it, whom rushed to your side
"My Dear, what's the matter? Angie says your feeling blue."
You looked at her, a sad look in your eyes
"Ah... its nothing really, Love. Im... im just think about my family. I havent really been able to know anything going on with them..."
It really bothered you, and both of the ladies could see that
Donna looked at you and took your hand
"Do you remember how they looked, the last time you saw them?"
You nodded sadly, smiling wistfully
"Yep, Momma was making me a cake, for me finishing off collage. Pops he was rebuilding the old car, with my brother Lucas. And Zoe, she and I were playing in the front yard, supposing to do chores."
Donna nodded, and a bit of pollen began to swirl around you both
You sat up straight, it was your family
The Baker's, as you knew them
They were happy to see you
It made your heart burst, and you smiled
Tears falling down your cheeks, as your family gathered around you and Donna hugging you both
It felt good to see them, even though you knew it really wasn't them
Donna wiped your tears, and you sighed contently
Starting a conversation with your "mother" and "father"
Your "siblings" talking to Angie and Donna
A few hours later the pollen wore off
But you where happy, and turned to Donna
Giving her a kiss, "Thank you. I dont know what's happened to them... but that was good for me. I appreciate it."
But Donna didn't smile back, and Angie grew quiet
"Your family. They... your parents are dead..."
You looked at her, shocked, "How-"
"Mother Miranda has said that their one with the mold..."
You took that information in, knowing about your parents... was a bit of a... surprise
"And my brother and sister?"
Donna shook her head, smiling, "Alive and safe from that."
You smiled and thanked her again with a kiss
You may not be able to see them, in real life, but you COULD see them all as you remembered them
Salvatore Moreau
You had told Salvatore all about your home life, before moving to the village
He had asked about your family, trying to compare his own with yours
You sympathetically told him that you and your siblings ACTUALLY got alone
And that your family was always tight
Your mother cooked badass meals
And your dad was always the person to run to for the best advice and protection
Your brother was a delinquent genius
And your sister was always happy to just be there for you
While his "family" left alot to be desired
You had pictures of them, which you shared
He looked at them with wonder, seeing how happy you were
This is when he decided to get them, well the alive ones
His Cadou experiments had changed
Making them more human, to infiltrate the regular world and kidnap your family
He surprised you one day
Encouraging you to go for a moonlit walk with him
Yelling was coming from a nearby cave
"Moreau, Love. I dont-"
"Its not, my most Precious. I swear, you will love this surprise."
You gave him a frown and let him continue to lead you on
Inside the cave, you where met with 3 cages
Joe, Lucas and Zoe!
Your jaw dropped, and Moreau clapped happily as you rushed and unlocked the cages
Embracing your family, though Joe pulled away ready to blast Moreau away
After a long explanation, your family accepted the fish man as their own
Moreau was careful to hid your family from Mother Miranda
Sadly, he couldn't save your mother and father, but the rest of your family were safe in his domain
Karl Heisenberg
You both were having dinner when he asked you about your birth name
"Oh. It's Baker... I think. I was adopted by them."
"Adopted? Hope they treated you better than that bitch, Miranda." He scoffed
You laughed, assuring him that they did
Then you went into stories about your family
As you finished up a story about you and Lucas dodging the cops and taking quite the ass whoopin from Jack
You noticed Heisenberg narrowing his eyes at the names in the story
"Jack... Marguerite.... Zoe... Lucas... Joe..." he grumbled letting the names roll off of his tongue
Then he stood up, and looked at you
"THEM BAKERS!?"
You jumped at his outburst, then nodding slowly at him
"HOLY SHIT!! THEIR- Well the kids and uncle still live." He told you
You looked at him like he had gone absolutely mad
"What are you talking about, Karl?"
He sat back down, holding both your hands in his, looking you in the eyes
He was serious when he did this
Karl explained to you about the mold and what happened in Louisiana, a couple years ago
"Miranda had a file on them. I dont know how the hell she got it, but I managed to take a peek at it. I had no idea you were one of them."
You sat back in your chair, processing the information
"My... my siblings and uncle are ok?" You huffed with relief
Karl nodded, pulling you into a hug, comforting you
You fell into his embrace, "Thank you for telling me..."
Heisenberg let out a hum and rubbed your back
You opened your mouth to speak
"No." He cut you off, "im not going. And im not sending anyone. You KNOW what Miranda planning..."
You nodded, and buried your face in his chest
You were happy that they would be safe from her
But sad that you may never see them
Heisenberg had a plan for you to be saved as well
#resident evil 8#karl heisenberg#resident evil village#donna beneviento#lady dimitrescu#karl heisenberg x reader#lady dimitrescu x reader#angie and donna beneviento x reader#salvatore moreau#salvatore moreau x reader#angie beneviento#baker family kid
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armin arlert, mikasa ackerman, and eren jaeger polyamorous headcanons (modern au)
armin arlert x gn!reader, mikasa ackerman x gn!reader, eren jaeger x gn!reader, mikasa x armin x eren x gn!reader
warnings: uhh fluff, this is very long, reader has a gf b4 getting w ema,
this is like my first post since feb that isnt a request 😍😍😍 how did i pull this out of my ass
- obv eren, mikasa, and armin have been besties since childhood so its no wonder they all got together first 🤩🙏
- and theyre all hot so why wouldnt they wanna date each other
- i think armin and eren wouldve gotten together first, and then invited mikasa into their relationship
- the three of them have been officially going steady for like over a year now, and its going really well
- they didnt really expect you to drop into their lives tho
- youre an old friend of historia's and you two reconnected after you moved to the city, securing yourself a decent paying job working as a writer for the city paper
- you usually get the boring stuff, never able to get a good story to write about, focusing your time on heartwarming stories in the community or the sports column
- its boring but it pays the bills
- you were thankful when historia called you during your lunch and asked if you wanted to get drinks at a bar with her and a couple of other friends
- of course you said yes
- so historia and her girlfriend ymir picked you up after work, having dinner with them after a long week was the best, but you were a bit nervous to meet all of their friends
- thats how you met eren, mikasa and armin
- at first you were sure that mikasa and eren were dating, seeing as mikasa had her head on the taller man's shoulder, while his arm was wrapped around her
- but when armin leaned down to give mikasa a kiss before heading off to the bar you werent so sure
- ymir pulled you away to get more drinks and explained to you what the situation was, while commenting on the way you gawked at the three of them before
- you were embarassed to say the least but they didnt bring it up that night so you hoped the throuple didnt notice (they did)
- you really hit it off with all of them though, especially sasha and jean, and were constantly talked about among the friend group
- because of your demanding job dealing with writers block and deadlines you couldnt really meet up with all of them often, usually just having sleepovers at ymir and historia's apartment, the three of you drinking while you wrote on your laptop
- after a couple months of casual hangouts with historia and ymir and their friends, you kinda became one of them too which was nice
- you were added to the groupchat, you all followed each other on social media, and a certain brunet had taken a liking to you
- eren didnt know why exactly he was so attracted to you but he was, maybe it was your hair, or how pretty your skin looked even when oily or with breakouts, maybe it was your smile or your body or your sense of humor or you kindness or maybe it was all of it
- eren jaeger would always stay faithful to his boyfriend and girlfriend, but maybe they could add another person into the mix, more to love right ?
- he had only known you for a couple of months though, he didnt want to jump the gun and bring this up with his partners so soon, especially if they didnt feel the same way he did
- and it would be a bummer if you turned out to be a bad person or smth
- so summer rolls around with lots of memories being made with your new friends, as well as friends from work, and you get a girlfriend ??
- shes not really your girlfriend you two have only been out on a couple of dates and she kisses you a lot but, you havent talked about labels
- one night you, along with your friends are back at the same bar where you first met them
"so, tell us about the girl youre seeing." ymir says, smirking over her beer.
eren's ears perked up at the mention of you seeing someone. "girl ?"
historia nodded. "mhm ! y/n's been talking to someone recently, they've gone on dates and kissed and stuff."
"and stuff, jesus tori you make it sound like we've had sex." you sighed.
the blonde just laughed, leaning her body onto her freckled companion.
"well ? what about her ?" eren asks. armin slapped him on the arm, already having suspicions about eren's interest in you.
your shoulders sagged. "well, she's great and everything, truly..."
"but ? is there a but in this ?" connie asked. sasha started laughing at connie's use of the word but, while jean slapped the girl on the arm because of her reaction.
you shrugged, swirling what was left of your fruity cocktail in your glass. "well, i'm not sure. she's very lively, and sweet. but i don't know, i just don't see myself being able to be in a steady relationship with her."
"so you're gonna end it ?" eren asked. you thought he seemed a bit too eager about your failure in the love department.
"why do you care so much ? you like the thought of me being lonely ?" you shot back, before downing the rest of your drink.
"no i just-"
"i think what eren means is," mikasa intervened, her smooth voice calming you as she looked at you with a smile on her face. "is that there's no point in staying with her if you can't see yourself with her. don't lead her on."
you nodded. "you're exactly right my friend. which is the plan for tonight because i," you quickly checked the time on your phone. 8:17. "have a date with miss molly at nine, so i will be taking my leave."
the group engaged in a chorus of boos for leaving so early, while you chuckled and took the lighthearted insults thrown at you by sasha and connie with ease. grabbing all of your things you put down two twenties onto the table. "i'll see you guys later, have a goodnight." as you walked off you heard jean yell "have a good time you heartbreaker !" making you shake your head
- the date with molly went less then well. she yelled, and cried, and even tried hitting you at one point. your walk back from the park was spent blocking her on every form of social media you followed her on, and when you got back to your apartment you spent the night in a hot bath before retiring to bed
- meanwhile, armin and mikasa were trying to pry the truth out of eren, who was constantly denying his attraction to you
- finally mikasa took one for the team "eren, you aren't alone with the way you feel, i do too." this made eren more willing to open up to his partners
- armin doesnt say anything about you, only saying how youre kind. he doesnt feel the way that his girlfriend and boyfriend do, but he knows that may change
- soon enough, more time flies and christmas rolls around, with you all deciding to have a secret santa get together.
- historia invites everyone to her home on christmas eve, with ymir begrudgingly allowing it
- bertholdt and annie come too, reiner not being able to make it due to going home for christmas, while everyone else decided to stay in the city
- you picked out your secret santas at the beginning of november so you would all have enough time to find something for each other, you hoped whoever picked your name gave you something good
- after hours of games and karaoke and drinking you all decided it was time to open the presents
- ymir got socks from bertholdt, connie got an ugly beanie from ymir, historia got new pens from mikasa, mikasa got knitting needles from annie, annie got a dumbell from eren, jean got a not so appropriate t shirt from connie, jean gave sasha more comic books, armin gave new stationary paper to bertholdt, sasha gifted you that new biography you've been wanting to read and you gave armin your old copy of frankenstein by mary shelley
- he was surprised but very thankful, "how did you know i needed a new copy ?" "well i remember you said eren spilt water on your old one, and the pages just stuck together so i thought you might as well have mine"
- it warmed armin's heart that you remembered something so insignificant, and opened him up to the thought of being with you
- the rest of the night was spent with hugs and thankfulness, cheering when the clock struck 12 and it became christmas day
- after getting things cleaned up everyone decided it was time to leave, with armin, eren and mikasa offering to give you a ride home
- a ride where armin straight up kissed you in the backseat
- you stopped him of course, thinking that it was weird he would cheat on his partners right in front of them, while they were shocked all on their own for different reasons, armin who didnt have feelings for you KISSED you
- and surprisingly armin took the lead in explaining how he felt, why he kissed you, an apology for doing so, and an offer to start dating all three of them
- your heart was pounding in your ears and your entire face felt hot, it was probably the alcohol, or the way his lips felt so soft when they touched yours, so you said yes.
- its not smooth sailing from there
- youre kind of awkward
- this is your first relationship where you really feel like you could love these guys (you already do) but its also your first relationship with multiple people
- the trio start inviting you over more often, soon for sleepovers, and start inviting themselves over at your own place, mainly eren
- he just comes at random times, sometimes when youre not even there and waits for you, or stays and cleans up a bit before leaving
- armin and you share a deep love of literature, and you often find yourselves in hot debates about whatever youve read (mikasa and eren have to pry you two away before things get physical)
- mikasa likes to cook with you, she shares recipes that her mom taught her, and her and armin love to cook dinner together whereas eren is the breakfast maker of the household
- the first time you slept in the same bed as them you were so nervous your whole body thumped to the tune of your heartbeat, you were convinced armin could even hear it as he was laying beside you, but eren wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you into his large chest before whispering "youre as stiff as a board, relax honey"
- eren snores, mikasa drools, armin has those dreams where you fall and then violently wake up before you hit the ground
- slowly but surely you stop thinking about your relationship as the trio and you, but as all of you together, and that really helps you come out of your shell a bit
- you may still be in the honeymoon phase, and there may be bumps along the way, but you like being with armin, eren, and mikasa. they make you so happy, it feels like the happiest youve been in a long time
- you like watching eren and armin dance in the living room while you and mikasa cuddle on the couch, before the boys pull you two up as well
- you like when armin reads to you, his soft voice reciting the words of the great gatsby
- you like it when eren can just tell youve had a rough day, and pulls you into a hug like hes protecting you from all the bad things in the world
- you love being with them. you love them. and you think that theyre it for you
i rushed the ending bc im fucking tired but i kinda wanna do a poly!series with like sasha, connie and jean, or annie, bertholdt and reiner, or any other poly ships u guys may request !
so yeah pls give me feedback it rlly helps me figure out whether you want a polyamorous series (or just like what i write in general), and it would be my first series ever which would be super cool anyways
yeah requests open for poly!ships anyways
#attack on titan#attack on titan fanfiction#attack on titan x reader#eren jaeger x reader#eren yaeger x reader#eren yeager x reader#eren yeager headcanons#mikasa ackerman headcanons#mikasa ackerman x reader#armin arlert headcanons#armin arlert x reader#armin attack on titan#mikasa x reader#attack on titan mikasa#eren x armin#eren x mikasa#mikasa x eren#mikasa x armin#armin x eren#armin x mikasa#eren x mikasa x armin#eren x mikasa x armin x reader#polyamory#polyamourous#polyamorous#poly!aot
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[SUMMARY: Rick's daughter Melody cant help her curiosity about the man locked up in the prison cell. Being kept secrets from her father, she takes it upon herself to get to know Negan and one day sneaks into the cell to find him asleep with morning wood.]
SEMI SMUT
Negan and Melody
Rick never really allowed you anywhere near Negan. Hell, you never even saw Negan yourself up close and personal. Although you were twenty, your father still treated you like the little five year old girl he used to carry on his shoulders. It was frustrating at times, he always wanted to keep secrets from you about what was going on in the group and he always said it was to protect you. The only times you ever saw Negan he was tied up being led into the prison cell. Truth was, you didnt know what he had done that was so bad. Your father seemed to keep everything from you that involved anything serious. You looked out the window and saw Daryl pass Eugene the keys for cell, each night someone was on guard. Looking to the right you saw your dad heading your way and quickly pulled down the blinds. After you were told Glenn had died in an accident on a run a few months ago many things changed. Maggie left, everyone seemed more distant and it left you confused.
"Get ready for bed, Melody," your dad spoke low as he entered the house making you sigh.
"I'm not tired dad."
"Mel, it's getting late-"
"And is there something we need to be ready for in the morning?" You responded with sarcasm looking back out the window.
"Besides...you never told me what that guy Negan did."
"I told you that's not up for discussion," he insisted making you roll your eyes.
"Is anything up for discussion? Whatever, I'm sure what he did wasnt that bad if hes being kept alive." You got up from the chair and walked past your father as he looked down with a straight face. There was no way he could tell you the truth of what Negan had done. Your father tried to protect you the best he could and losing people was enough, he didnt want to leave you with images in your head.
Waiting to be sure that your father was in his room you quietly snuck out of yours. Your curiosity ate at you and you were tired of your father treating you like a little girl. Making sure you werent heard, you stepped outside and walked towards where Negan was held captive. Eugene was heading back to the cell with a tray of food for Negan. You knew itd be easy to get around Eugene regardless of what your father instilled in his mind. Creating casual conversation with Eugene and some jokes to break the ice you offered to take Negan his lunch. Right away he made a face filled with doubt.
"I dont know about that, Melody..I'm in charge of his cell-"
"Yeah but you're in charge of the entrance. Who's going to watch while you are distracted handing him the food?" Eugene raised an eyebrow in thought, he felt like you had a point.
"Alright but your dad cant know about this, he'll kill me. So dont take too long."
"Dont worry I got it," you assured him before taking hold of the tray of food and the keys from his hand.
You could feel your heart beating out of your chest, you were nervous yet so curious to know the man that was hidden from you. Unlocking the door you walked down a dark hallway before reaching the cell.
"Well its about time one of you fuckers remembered to feed me," you froze at the sound of Negans voice before stepping out of the dark hall and into the light, revealing yourself. Negan looked up as he leaned against the wall not expecting to see a young attractive woman before him.
"Well excuse my French, where the fuck did your pretty little self come from?" Negan looked you up and down observing your skin tight jeans and crop shirt. Right from the jump you found this man to be very intimidating, taking a deep breath you stepped closer to his cell and bit your bottom lip nervously.
"Um...my name is Melody.. I came to bring you your meal," Negan slowly stepped closer to the bars with a smirk on his face and looked down at the tray in your hands.
"I see that...so you're gonna put that down for me, sweetheart?" He spoke slowly with an enticing voice.
"Oh..um, yes" you smiled before slowly bending down not noticing Negan tilt his head eyeing the curve of your ass as you slid the tray beneath the bars.
"Very nice.." he murmured low to himself before you got back up. Your eyes met his and you suddenly didnt move, his eyes were alluring and inviting all at once. Nervously clearing your throat you backed away brushing your hair back.
"I gotta ask, princess. What's a fine young woman like you doing alone with me here in my prison cell?"
"I wanted to see who you were...I'm not allowed to know things so-"
"So you're telling me no one knows you're here?" He raised a brow getting closer, although this man was behind the bars you still found yourself feeling nervous.
"No...everyone treats me like a little girl. I'm twenty years old and I'm tired of people covering up things for me," you explained.
"Shit, you are very young."
"Not too young where I cant be told what the hell you did to be in here, cant be all that bad if you're still alive."
Negan raised his brows sliding his tongue behind his lower lip.
"Oh no sweetheart, I'm no good." He spoke in a low voice.
"So let me guess, you're going to treat me like a little girl too and not tell me why?" Negan couldnt help himself but chuckle making you cross your arms.
"What's so funny?"
"Ohh...princess, if I was out of this cell right now I'd gladly show you how much of a grown woman I think you are."
"What?" You asked a little shocked not expecting him to express himself the way he did. You were quickly learning Negan had an unfiltered mouth.
"Dont mind me," Negan shook his head with a sigh.
"Its been a while and I'm just fucking frustrated."
"Its been a while since what?" You asked making him slightly lean back with a frown on his face.
"You really are innocent huh," you rolled your eyes.
"Listen, if you're going to say it just say it-"
"Its been a while since I've had some pussy." Negan blurt out making you stumble over your words.
"Oh-um...-" Negan grinned raising his brows at your reaction.
"Oh yes," he laughed as you nervously licked your lips.
"Shit..." he suddenly turned serious.
"How long has it been for you? Or wait let me guess, you haven't even had your cherry popped yet." Negan moved closer to the bars to get a closer look at you.
"Actually, I'm not a virgin but it's been a few years since I lost my virginity to this jackass. I havent slept with someone since."
"So you've gone a few years with out any relief?"
"Well um-obviously I've had relief-"
"Oh..so you like touching yourself," he bit his bottom lip in excitement.
"-But yes, it's been years since I've had sex and I'm okay with it, I dont need it." You couldnt believe you were even explaining this to him.
"Hm. Looks like whoever was hitting it wasnt hitting it right, shit I'd always have you coming back for more." You rolled your eyes holding back a smile, you kind of liked the attention he was giving you.
"Are you always this vulgar, Negan?"
"Only when I'm horny," he teased making you shake your head.
"Shit, do you blame me princess? You're the first woman that's spoken to me like I wasnt a damn monster. Plus I love some dirty talk." Negan had to admit the company was refreshing for him. You sighed with a smile and looked down at his food.
"Well, I guess I'll leave you to your food. I'll come by when I can again...if you want me to." Negan smiled sliding his tongue between his teeth.
"Oh I definitely do." You couldnt believe this man was flirting with you but you had to admit to yourself it was a fun interaction.
"Your secrets safe with me, Melody." Negan winked before you quietly left and locked the door shut.
That night you lay in bed smiling to yourself thinking of your very flirtatious talk with Negan. Your dad hadn't suspected a thing and you knew the next morning he would go on a run. It would be a perfect time to see Negan again. You were the first person in a long time to not make him feel like a monster and he was the first person who made you feel like a grown woman. Distracted by his flirtatious ways you didnt focus on the reason of him being held in a cell and Negan had no idea you were Rick Grimes only daughter.
The next morning just as suspected your father left on a run with Daryl and Michonne. The person on guard today was one of the men that you knew wasnt the biggest fan of your father. Of course you were to use this to your greatest advantage. Setting up a tray of breakfast with extra fruit you had grown in your garden you made your way to Negan. Unlocking the door, excitedly you walked down the hall to find Negan asleep with his back facing you as you set down his tray of food.
"Good morning, Negan." You spoke softly making him open his eyes. He groaned with a stretch and turned flat to his back making you gasp.
"What the fuck is your problem?" Negan looked at you confused before noticing exactly where your eyes were. The imprint of Negans very hard cock was practically bulging out of his pants.
"Ah shit-"he muttered to himself adjusting his pants.
"Sorry, sweetheart must've been having a nice little dream." He chuckled as he noticed you wouldnt stop staring at it.
"What, never seen some morning wood before?" He teased as he stood up.
"I mean, of course I just didnt expect to see you..I mean for you to be that way right now." You responded nervously as he made his way close to the bars of the cell.
"Right now?" He laughed.
"Oh princess, you have no idea how horny I am. How much I'd kill for the feel of sweet pussy...shit for a woman to just relieve me." The two of you were face to face now, only the bars separating you from each other.
"You know what I was dreaming about, princess?" Negan spoke as he noticed you would not stop looking down at his crotch area.
"I dreamt about you riding my cock." His voice was raspy, his words making you look up in shock.
"What?" You whispered.
"You left me last night thinking about things I wanted to do to you and this is the outcome." He motioned towards his erection.
"Why dont you touch it for me...just once." He spoke low, your lips parted at his request. Your heart was racing, it was arousing how much this man wanted you. Looking back at the door behind you making sure it was locked you looked back at Negan and nodded.
"Just once." You agreed making him grin.
"Atta girl."
Negan watched as you hesitatingly moved your hand in between the bars and began to slowly rub his crotch. A deep noise escaped his lips the first moment you touched him, his breathing was heavy as you moved your hand up and down.
"Oh my...-" you whispered feeling how rock solid he was.
"Oh, Melody.." he whispered as he closed his eyes. You could tell he obviously wanted more, you could tell how much he needed it. Without saying a word you began to unzip his pants and instantly his cock sprung out. It was thick and hot, you could feel him throbbing in your hand. The man was aching for some kind of relief, he was about ready to explode.
Spitting on your hand you began to move along his shaft. Negan moaned holding onto the bars as he watched you jerk him off. He could tell you were getting turned on as you began to breathe quickly. Negan reached through the bars and grabbed your throat applying pressure making you moan as you began to move your hand faster.
"Fuck baby, I dont think I can hold it-" he held his breath and grunted struggling to not let himself cum just yet.
"Hold on just a little bit more, I want you to cum hard." You whispered as he frowned holding on to the bar tightly, his knuckles turning white. It had been too long since he had been touched, too long since he had ejaculated and Negan had an intense rush. His other hand quickly sliding down your neck and pulling your v neck shirt down revealing your breast.
"Touch me, Negan. Do what you want." You whispered as your hand moved faster. Your words making his jaw clench as he squeezed your breast and let out a very loud and deep groan, loads of cum spilled out of him falling to ground.
"Yes.." you whispered loving the sight of him giving in.
"Dont stop-" he struggled to speak as he continued to cum all over your hand. He panted as you began to slow down before he let go of your breast and leaned against the bars. Releasing his cock from your hand you stepped back and looked at him from head to toe. His eyes were closed as he leaned his head on the bars, his cock twitching as you noticed all his cum on the concrete floor.
"Wow.." you whispered making him open his eyes. Grabbing a rag you had on you, you cleaned up your hand then handed it to him before he closed his pants. Negan cleared his throat before looking back up at you with a smirk.
"I guess I owe you one," he chuckled still trying to catch his breath making you laugh as you fixed your top.
"Glad I could be of help," you joked before the two of you locked eyes. The smiling fading from his face now.
"Seriously, it's been nice having you here."
Negan liked the sexual connection the two of you had, he also liked how you naturally conversed with him. You didnt treat him like an animal, you treated him like a human being. Negan knew he had messed up in life but he knew there was nothing he could do to change the past. All he could do was not repeat the same mistakes. What he did know was that he now knew for sure that he did not want you knowing his real reason behind being locked inside. He knew youd never look at him the same way again.
"Its been nice for me too. I havent really had conversation with anyone in my group." You sighed crossing your arms.
"After my friend Glenn died things changed." You whispered making Negans face change at the mention of Glenn's name. He looked away feeling a knot of guilt in the pit of his stomach.
"Everyone started acting different. I miss the way things were." You continued as you looked to the side and thought back of some memories.
"I think you should get going, Princess." Negan spoke low, his words making you look back at him confused.
"Wh-what? I thought we could talk-"
"Listen, I'm not your fucking therapist. Now get going." Negan snapped just wanting you to leave, his guilt eating up at him he felt like utter shit.
"So what jerking you off is all you needed so I'm good to go now?"
Negan remained silent, his head down not being able to look you in the eye.
"You know I know we dont know each other and you dont give a shit about me, but I thought we had an understanding that we both needed someone to talk to and not talk to them like something they're not." You snapped as he carefully listened to your words.
"That's the problem, sweetheart. They're not treating me like something I'm not. You are." His words left you speechless, what the hell did he mean by that?
"I told you I was no fucking good. Now get out of here." Negan turned his back to you, you couldnt believe what he was saying or what the hell even made him say these things.
"Screw you." Negan heard the crack in your voice before you stormed out and slammed the door shut. Negan sighed knowing he didnt want to hurt your feelings, hell he didnt even want you to leave. Angrily you walked back to your room and slammed the door shut, you felt so stupid you could scream. You swore you'd never see Negan again nor let your father ever find out of what had just happened.
Part 2? Trying to think of where I can go from here. Feel free to send in any ideas if you have. Xx
#jeffrey dean morgan#the walking dead negan#negan x you#negan fan fiction#negan twd#negan x ofc#negan x reader#rick grimes#the walking dead fic
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hi!! can i request smth where hannah gets a nightmare ab the sasaeng thing and yangyang tries to talk to her ab it?? (angst 4, 15, 17)~ 🍟
hey bub! of course! i havent written about yanghan in a while and i miss them aksjdhf (they’re going strong btw, rest assured yangyang is constantly hyping his gf up on ig, weibo, bubble, and just anywhere he can) aaaanyway, here it is! 🥰 everything is spoken in english btw so i won’t be doing the italics on this one
WARNING: violence and attempted murder (but it’s all a nightmare), sasaeng, kinda graphic
prompts: “Why are you lying to me?”, “Holding everything in doesn’t help, you know.”, “If you don’t hug me right now I think I might fall apart.”
—
Hannah struggled to pull the girl’s hands away from her neck. She tried calling out for Mark and throwing the cup on her bedside table at the wall separating them in hopes that he’d come help her.
“Don’t you dare think my Mark oppa is going to come and save you, bitch.” The hands around her neck tightened, and all Hannah could do was struggle against them. No matter how much she clawed away at the sasaeng’s arms and hands, it was like she felt no pain.
Then they met eyes. Hannah froze. These eyes held so much malice in them. They were so cold. They reminded her of his eyes.
Then the door burst open. She could see Kihyun, her manager, on the other side of the door.
That’s when the sasaeng decided to yank on Hannah’s hair and use that to drag her to the window. Hannah desperately looked at Kihyun, unable to yell due to her throat being in pain. Where was Mark? Why wasn’t he coming? Did the sasaeng get him before her?
She watched as her manager tried to break through the barrier to get to her. Since when had there been glass in her door frame?
Her hair got pulled even harder as the sasaeng pulled her face up.
“If you want to be with my Mark oppa that much, then so be it.”
Hannah couldn’t do anything as the sasaeng pushed her out the window. She glanced at the streets and saw a red spot and familiar pajamas, making her breath hitch in her throat.
“Hannah!”
She shut her eyes. It was impossible for Kihyun to save her at this point.
“Hannah, please!”
It was taking awfully long for her to hit the ground.
“Hannah, wake up!”
What? She was awake. And that wasn’t her manager’s voice.
“Hannah, you’re having a nightmare. Please, wake up!”
With a gasp, the London-born girl sat up, panting in fear. She clutched at her chest and looked to her left. Next to her was none other than her boyfriend. Yangyang looked quite worried as he cautiously moved his hand towards her. Hannah flinched back and got off of the bed, shocking Minnie awake as the pomeranian was sleeping on his mini bed just by the foot of hers.
“I’m fine,” she told Yangyang, “just need a glass of water.”
She walked out of her side of the room, thankful Mark was spending the night at his girlfriend’s place because he would for sure wake up if he were home. She headed over to the window and took a deep breath before looking down from it. Nothing. Barely even any cars or people down there. A relieved sigh made its way out past her lips as she headed to the kitchen. The light footsteps behind her told her that Yangyang had also gotten out of bed and followed her to the kitchen.
“Do you need anything?” he asked her. “Do you want something warm to drink? Or food? I can run down to the convenience store if you like?”
“No, I’m good,” she reassured him and pulled out a glass and a pitcher of water. “I’m just parched. Keep it down, would you? Shotaro and Sungchan might wake up.”
She let the short silence pass between them as Yangyang went to the fridge and took a small carton of milk. Her boyfriend poured the milk into a mug and covered it with a plate before placing it in the microwave.
He leaned against the counter and looked at her with an eyebrow raised. “Holding everything in doesn’t help, you know?”
“I’m genuinely okay,” she tried to ignore the way her voice wavered, “and you should go back to bed. I’ll be right there.”
“I don’t think you’re okay, Hannah.” His gaze was a lot more intense than normal, making her shift a little from one leg to the other. “You had a nightmare bad enough that you were thrashing around. You don’t normally move more than two inches in your sleep. I need you to tell me what happened. Please don’t bottle it up.”
“It was nothing. Don’t think too much about it.”
“And let you overthink about it?” he scoffed as the microwave dinged. She watched as he took the milk out and walked over to her, handing her the mug. “No way. I know it isn’t nothing. Why are you lying to me?”
She bit her lip and looked down at the mug, gingerly taking it from his hands. “Milk? What am I, a toddler?”
“Hannah.”
Meeting her boyfriend’s eyes, she nearly caved completely. She took a sip of the milk and basked in the warmth that spread throughout her body, easing the tension that was forming. A hand made its way to her face, the way the thumb lightly stroked her cheek making her lean into the touch.
This was so different from the tight grasps and painful grips that she could remember. These touches were soft and careful. They were gentle. They weren’t out to get her. In these touches, there was comfort and no fear of being hurt in any way.
She could feel herself choking up. “If you don’t hug me right now I think I might fall apart.”
Yangyang didn’t have to be told twice.
She let her boyfriend pull her into a hug, hiding her face in his neck. It was comforting the way he whispered comforting words into her ear. All of a sudden, a hand made it’s way through her hair. A kiss was placed to the side of her head when she flinched, making her relax just a little more. There was no pulling, only reassurance.
After a while, Yangyang lifted her onto the kitchen island and leaned back a little. The way the warmth of his hands spread from where they were placed on her waist made her feel safe. There wasn’t some psycho deranged fan in her dorm out to get her. No, it was 2021, and that person has long been detained. She now lived not only with Mark, but with Sungchan and Shotaro as well. And, she had this amazing boyfriend in front of her who, despite his constant playfulness, was very intent on taking care of her.
“I saw her again,” she whispered to him as he handed her the warm mug of milk. “And Kihyun oppa couldn’t save me this time around. She got to Mark first and—“
Her eyes shut as she remembered the blurry yet clear image of her brother-figure on the ground. It was something she couldn’t say out loud, not without breaking down. As much as she and Mark go back and forth, he did mean a lot to her, and seeing him like that was terrifying, even in a nightmare.
“That wasn’t real, alright?” Yangyang reassured her. “It was a nightmare. You’re safe here. Security’s insanely high now, and that person’s gone.”
“I know.” Her voice was uncharacteristically small as she let Yangyang lightly pull her head down to place a kiss on top of it.
“Drink up,” he gestured to the milk. “Once you finish this, we can go to sleep again. No more nightmares. I’ll be right there.”
She looked at him, incredibly grateful. They had been dating for only a few months, yet he already knew how to calm her down that easily. He saw her bad sides and actually decided to learn about them instead of brushing it off.
She gently placed the mug on the surface next to her as she wrapped her arms around her boyfriend’s shoulders. He had settled himself between her legs and rested his head on her shoulder while he rubbed her back and traced nonsense words on there.
“Yangyang?”
“Hm?”
“Thank you.”
“For you, anytime.”
#🍟 anon#hannah.request#hannah.yanghan#nct 24th member#nct dream 8th member#nct female member#nct female addition#hannah#lee hannah
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This is due to the fact that when i was 14 years old i met Bill Weasley. And when i mean i met him i mean we were only introduced to each other. I was spending the summer at the Weasleys which i did every summer since i started Hogwarts. And this was the one time that Bill Weasley decided that he was going to come and spend a few days with his family and this was when i first met him.
I must admit that seeing him for the first time was like something out of a romance movie or novel. Like time litrally stopped. I remember looking at him and thinking that he was the most beautiful man that i had ever seen. He gave his family a cheerful good morning and kissed his mother on the cheek and then sat down opposite to me. I remember our eyes meeting and he smiled at me and offered his hand to me. "Bill Weasley nice to meet you. You must be Y/N L/N" he introduced. And he said it in the most sweetest way that it made me swoon. I gave him a small smile and a nod and he left it at that. I sat there listening to him talk about his work. And the passion that was in his voice when he spoke of it made me fall for him. I know that it is cleche but that is the only way that i can describe it. I had never met someone as amazing as Bill Weasley and i never shall as i declare that he is the most amazing person that i have ever met. And that might just be my dumb teenage mind but he is in all honsetly as passionate, beautiful individual.
2 years after the battle of Hogwarts i was now 19 years old and you could say that a lot of things had changed since then. Well for a start Ron and Hermione are together. Harry and Ginny are together. And our poor Fred was sadly killed in the battle to sum it up. The dynamic that had taken place in the Weasley house was never the same after the death of Fred. And i wouldnt expect anything less. I miss what the twins had. The pranks that they pulled. I feel as though the light had gone out. That the magic that once filled the home will never be whole again. And that broke my heart. But i am 19 now. An adult and i have to face the fact that life isnt full of happiness and that this was one of the many hard things that i was going to have to face.
Me and Ron sat in the sitting room of the weasley home playing an intense game of Wizards Chess. And once again i was losing. Ron was still the best chess player that i knew even 8 years later. I groan as Ron beats me once again. "Seriously Ron you have to at least give me a chance to win" i whine. He laughs. "Well maybe if you would practice more you might stand a chance of beating me" he boasts and i gasp. "Ronald Weasley dont be such a cocky git" i say as i hit him in the arm and he laughs at me as i sulk.
"What are you doing now Ron" Hermione asks as she walks in. Ron giggles. "She is sulking because i beat her again at Wizards Chess" he tells her. Hermione shakes her head and kisses his forehead. "Im sorry to tell you this Y/N but i dont think that you are ever going to beat him. Trust me i dont like to increase his ego but he is the best chess player and we both know that" she says sympathetically and i groan again and stand up. "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We know" i joke and we all laugh.
"Its lovely to see some laughing in here" a voice says and we turn and see Bill Weasley standing at the edge of the sitting room. I freeze not expecting Bill to be here. "Bill what are you doing here" Ron says happily as he stands up and goes to hug his brother. "Decided that i would stay a few days and grace you all with my presence" he states as he hugs Ron. I look at Bill and can see the bags that are under his eyes. Which honestly he looks better then what i expected to look like after everything that he had been through.
Not long after the battle of Hogwarts. Bill and his wife Fleaur divorced. I guess you could say that with the PTSD and the loss of Fred took a toll on their marriage and it inevetable ended in Fleaur leaving on morning and never coming back and a few weeks later divorce papers showed up at shell cottage and then Bill knew that his marriage was over. After signing the divorce papers he moved back in with the weasleys for a few months getting affairs in order and deciding what was the next move which for him was buying an apartment in the city so that he was closer to work and from what i had been told by the rest of the Weasleys his life had been work ever since. It was heartbreaking to see a man that was once so passionate about his work loose that spark because of a broken heart. I had seen him briefly a few months back when i was at diagon alley at the bank and i must admit he looked better now than he did then.
Bill pulls back from Ron and smiles at me and Hermione. "Its nice seeing you two again. Im sorry i havent been around much work and all" he apoligies and me and hermione shake our heads. "Bill dont worry about it. Works work. Your here now" Hermione says kindly. He grins at us. "Thank you that is really nice of you. I just wanted to come and see you all before i go and see Mum. You know her she is going to keep me stuck in converstation all night at this point" he jokes and we all laugh at that. Very well knowing what Molly Weasley was like. "Go on Bill go and see her now if you want to get to bed at a decent hour" Ron says giving him a pat on the back. Bill shakes his head with a grin on his face and heads off upstairs towards. My mind was racing now. Because all i could think about was the fact that the feelings that i had bedded deep down about Bill Weasley were now coming to the surface.
Which a few days later made me completely and utterly scrood. It started with just little things between me and Bill. One morning Molly asked us to wash the dishes and it was just our hands touching that i could feel the sparks that people talk about. All of us playing a game of ball and him moving the hair from the side of my face and staring into my eyes. Him opening the door for me with a smile. It was things like this that made me relise that i was hopelessly in love with Bill Weasley and i could be. He was one of my best friends brothers and that meant that it was a big no no in the eyes of my friendship with Ron which meant that i was going to have to keep my distance.
I was standing at the sink as i was washing the dishes which was something that i offered to always do as a way of helping Molly out which i didnt mind. I loved the view that the kitchen gave me. Right out onto the garden were Ron, George and Bill were currently messing around in the garden together. Casting funny spells on each other and the laughs that was coming from them was bittersweet as there was one Weasley that would have been there. And yes im talking about Fred. And obviously Percy is another weasley sibling which i must admit that after the battle he has tried more with the family but he is still the outsider in a way. I dont know much about Percy and i dont really want to know him all to well.
But back to the view. I loved looking at Bill mess around with his brothers. There was a look of happiness the old Bill in his eyes which i know that we have all missed. The Bill that i remember falling for when i was 14. But this Bill there was so much more to him and that made me more intregued.
"So which one of my brothers are you looking at and please tell me it is not Ron" a voice asks from behind me. I come out of my daze and turn and see Ginny standing behind me. I look at her shocked before shaking my head. "Why would i be staring at Ron Ginny" i ask her confused. She sighs. "Good that is the answer that i wanted now that means that there are only 2 of my brothers that you could have been staring at. Now is it my brother George who is a hilarious guy even though he isnt much anymore but still can be. And can make any girl fall with his jokes. Or is it my eldest brother Bill. Who is passionate, determined and someone who you have been in love with since you were 14. Now let me see ene meany miney..." she says but i cut her off.
"Ginny! Stop okay i know that you know" i burst and she smirks at me. "Of course i know. I know everything. And just to let you know i think you should go for it" she expalins to me with a smirk. I just looks at her and groan. "Ginny he was barley been divorced a year yet alone ready for anew relationship and anyway what about the age difference" i try to excuse so that she would stop talking about it. She shakes me head and me. "No no no. Dont start trying to feed me all of this age difference bs. Come on like 10 years isnt that bad. Like i mean there are people who get married to others who are like 40 years older than them. Which makes you and Bill normal" she trys to persuade me. I sigh and shake my head. "Like i said Ginny he and Fleaur have barely been split up a year. And anyway he probarbly doesnt look at me like that" i doubt and go back to washing the dishes.
"Look Y/N. I know how you feel i thought Harry thought the same thing about me but hey look at us now. We might think one way about something but you know we may be wrong. And i can see the way that you and Bill are together. The way that you two move around each other its like a dance. Its like you two are meant to move together. That you are meant to be together. And i believe in soulmates and i know that you two are. I never got any of this off of Bill and Fleaur. The connection but i do now. And im telling you to go for it. Trust me" she explains. I look at her shocked. Trying to take everything in. She gives me a smile knowing that i am going to think about it. Once she leaves a bend myself over the sink with both elbows on either side of it and put my head in my hands and sigh. This is just making things harder.
Later that night i lie in bed not being able to sleep. What Ginny had said to me had got me fucked up in the way that now i cant decide what to do. I get out of bed after trying for way to long to get to sleep and head down to the kitchen to get myself some milk to help me go to sleep. I walk down there and grab some milk from the fridge and pour some in a pot to put over the stove.
"Y/N" a voice asks and i turn around and see Bill standing there looking at me with sleepy eyes. "Sorry if i woke you"i apoligise. He shakes his head and walks further into the kitchen. "You didnt i was up doing some work" he informs me and i enternally groan. He needs to stop working so much. "Well anyway then. Sorry for disturbing you. Can i offer you a mug of warm milk i heard that it helps on feel more relaxed. Or at least it did when i was a child" i say and he laughs and nods his head. "Yes please but i have a little bit of a request on how to make it better" he says as he walks to the pantree and i pour some milk into some mugs. He comes back out and has some cinnamon in his hand and sprinkles it on the top of the milk. "Mum used to do this when we are little. It just made the drink feel more at home" he says. He turns his head up and looks at me straight in the eyes. And once again there it was. The spark. The connection that i felt was there. To my dissapointment he pulls back and looks at me with intent smile.
"Why dont you try it" he says to me referring to the milk. I break out of the trance that i was in and take a sip of the milk. And he was right. The drink tasted more of home. And now all i could think about when i thought of the milk was him. I see him take a drink of his milk before our eyes meet again. He moves the milk away from his lips and puts it on the counter. He moves closer to me and before i know what is happening his lips are on mine. And a zoo erupts in my stomach. I put my own milk down and wrap my arms around his neck as he deepens it. Devoruing my lips and feeling every part of my body. He moves his hands down to my ass and grabs it pulling me up into his arms before setting me down on the counter.
My breathes are heavy. It is so hard to breathe when i am so intoxicated with him. The feeling of him of my skin. The burning that i feel in my core. This man was a drug. He pulls aways and looks at me. He smirks when he sees me so out of breathe. He moves a part of my C/H out of my face and looks deep in my eyes.
"I have wanted to do that for some long you dont understand. From the first time that i saw you the other day. I knew that you were something else. Something about you was causing me to feel something that i have never felt before and i know now that is because you are my drug Y/N. Your my drug and i hope that i am yours" he asks me. All i can do is nod my head. "Your my drug Bill. And i want all of you" i tell him and once again i am being devoured by him. He lifts me up once again and lifts me upstairs to his room and you can fill in the rest.
The next morning i wake up with Bill lying naked next to me on his back with him slightly snorning next to me. I giggle and turn and stroke his cheek and also planting a kiss. His hands moves up and holds mine and he smiles. "Morning" he says and i smile. "Morning" i say as he kisses me. I sigh. He is my drug. He pulls me closer and groans. "We are going to have to tell them arent we" he asks. I nod as i curl into him. "Yeah we are but i have a feeling that they already know" i inform him and he looks at me confused. "And how would they know" he asks me cheekely. "Well i have a feeling that we may have not been that quiet last night" i say mischeviously. He smirks and leans closer. "I believe that you are correct on that but i would say that it was mostly you calling my name that they heard" he whispers in my ear and i moan. He flips us over and pins my hands over my head. "And i think that for you being a naughty girl and not being quiet last night i might need to punish you" he purrs. The feeling of my core heats up once again. "And how might you do that William" i ask him. I slowly feel him slide his hand down to my pussy and put a finger in and i groan. "I have a few ideas" he says before taking me.
You could say that we were correct. When we walked down the stairs everyone was looking at us. Molly and Arthur looked a little unconfertable. Which i dont blame them. I dont think they preferably wanted to hear their son having sex. Hermione, Ron, Harry and George looked completely shocked and Ginny of course was sitting there with a smug look on her face. Bill sighs. "Ok i know that most of you are shocked right now and i understand that completely. And im sorry that you had to hear that last night. But i just want to let you know that i love Y/N. I love her and some of you might think that it is a bit early after the divorce and all but i know its now. I know that what we feel for each other is stronger than anything that i have ever felt and that will never change. So all i ask is for you please just be happy for us" Bill exclaims. They all just blink at us before Ron is the first to speak.
"Can i just asks. From how hard your bed was going against the wall im surprised that you are even walking Y/N" he jokes. Molly wacks him around the head. "Ronald Weasley" she exclaims and we all laugh. We know that they accept us and Bill kisses my head before we head to the table. We recive some awkward hugs and pats on the back which was expected but at the end of the day i have Bill and Bill has me.
#bill weasley#bill weasley imagine#bill weasley x reader#harry potter#hp stuff#harry potter smut#george weasley x reader#george weasley#ron weasley#hermione granger#molly weasley#ginny weasley#draco x y/n#draco x you#draco malfoy#draco x reader
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Dreams
Y/n and bucky are in love. Deeply. they havent told eachother yet but what happens when the reader hears something in buckys dream that makes her upset?
A/N: this is rly bad im so sorry, pls leave feedback and give me tips! Thank you:) This is kinda short and poorly executed, again i am sorry
warnings: angst, cussing, sad bucky, horrible writing im so sorry, spelling and grammar lmao
Bucky and Y/n were cuddling in there sleep. There was nothing unsual about this, they cuddled everyhwhere in the compound they could. Both of them craved the others touch like it was a drug, they needed their fix.
What was unusal about this though was Y/n was letting Bucky dream. They had met for the first time about a month into Y/n becoming an avenger, she had powers to alter ones dreaming and make them day dream. She helped Bucky with his nightmares and they soon grew a little closer the planned.
Not that anyone was complaining, Bucky had opened up a lot more and was seemingly very happy with Y/n. Y/n had opened up a lot more also, going out once in a while and making more friends.
Bucky was fully asleep while Y/n was quietly listening to his dream, it was a peaceful one for once. she continued to let him enjoy it.
Bucky was walking in a park on a path, he was on his way to meet someone. A girl sitting on a bench. Y/n didnt recognized her. “James dear, hello.” Y/n felt her heart clench when she heard her call him dear. “Hello Beautiful.” Y/n’s heart shattered, she realized he was dreaming about another girl.
Y/n jerked her eyes open refusing to see what happens next, she felt so stupid for believing Bucky could like her like that. He probably felt bad for her. She tried to move out of his grip but he would not move. She decided to try and go back to bed
She was there again but this time Bucky was sitting with the girl on a bench. They were talking and laughing. “so tell me about her, Y/n.” The girl asked. Bucky sighed before starting, “Shes very loud, crazy, and kinda obnoxious, shes very clingy, loves being around me and cant fall asleep if im not there.”
Y/n opened her eyes again but this time she was crying silent tears. She quickly moved buckys arm that luckily had loosened. She got up and grabbed all of her stuff she could find that was in Bucky and Hers shared room. She ran down the hallway to the elevator and went to her old floor with her old room, luckily tony had left it availible for her to use whenever. She sat against the door and broke down. She threw all her stuff around the room and got into bed. She couldnt sleep but she could cry into her pillow.
A week later:
Y/n had been avoiding Bucky for a whole week, He woke up in their room and saw she was missing as well as all her belongings. Bucky imediatnly went to look for her but couldnt find her anywhere. The next time he saw her was a day later, she was in the kitchen and his heart started beating faster looking at her.
But even then she ran when she saw him, her hot chocolate forgotten. He blamed himself for all of it. Maybe it was something he said or something he did, but everyone could tell both of them were misrebale. Neither could sleep without the other so there health had plummeted. Y/n’s more then Buckys.
But one day, wednesday to be exact, their day off, Bucky saw Y/n enter the kitchen and decided enough was enough. He wanted to know what he did and why she hates him all of the sudden.
“Hey.” Y/n jumped at the sound of his voice, tears that she had dried not even five minutes ago threating to spill again.
“Hi, sorry gotta go.” She tried to walk around him buy he grabbed her arm and pulled her to him. She gasped at his touch and he immediantly let go but refused to move out of her way.
“sorry, i just, god i just wanna know what the fuck i did to deserve this, i mean i dont know what happened i woke up and you and all your stuff was gone and youve been avoiding me for a week. Did you, did you find someone else?”
Y/n gaped at him, the audacity of him. He knows what he dreamed. he had to have remembered it right?
“no. you should know why, youre the one who dreamt it.” She knew it was selfish to be mad over a dream but it really hurt her. He knew about her insecurites and anxiety and yet he dreamt that stuff.
“Doll i havent dreamt for a while, the last one i had was that night and it was amazing, it was so good it was peacful.” Bucky was looking at her expectidly. She darted her eyes to the wall next to her.
“Yeah. thats the problem. you know i cant control when i hear dreams. i heard what you said.”
Bucky stared at her, eyes watering. “if this is about me saying that i love you, im sorry. If you want to go slow we can i just, i dont know doll.” He was now crying.
She stared at him wide eyed searching for a lie. “Bucky what. No you said all these horrible things about me how im obnoxious and clingy and loud. i thought you didnt want me anymore?” She started crying as well now.
“No darling sweetie i, you didnt hear all of it. I love those things about you, they make you you. I love you and i love your stupid laugh and your stupid ability to make me fall asleep instantly.” The words kept ringing in her head. He loves her. He loves her. She looked at him and smiled a tiny little smile
“God im so so stupid im fucking stupid. im so so sorru bucky. i put you through hell this last week cause of my own insecurties. im so so sorry.” Bucky took Y/n’s face in his large hands.
“Baby, this is not your fault. you understand? i should have known you wouldnt continue to listen when you heard that stuff. im so sorry doll.”
Y/n pulled him down to her level and whispered against his lips “I love you bubs, i love you so so much.”
“trust me doll i love you so much more.” He pulled her to him and smashed his lips against hers harshly trying to express his feelings in it. “were both idiots. its ok. we can be fucking stupid together.”
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Through the Ages || JJ Maybank x Routledge!Reader
Words: 1870
Warnings: Super toxic relationship, underage drinking, smoking, weed
Summary: The development of your relationship with JJ, from when your first met aged eight to adult life, MAJOR ANGST
A/N: okay i know i havent written anything in WEEKS but im watching obx and im obsessed... i really wasn’t expecting this to take such a dark turn?? contact me if you wanna request anything or make friends :)
masterlist
8 years
You’re eight and when you meet John in front of the school to walk home, he has a friend. You know your brother’s friends - most of them, at least - but this boy is new. He is tanned and blonde and tall for his age, and a girl in your class had told you about how he’s always getting into small playground scraps. You eye each other warily on the way home, your brother between you, oblivious to the hostility.
It wasn’t that you didn’t like him - how could you dislike someone you knew nothing about? - it was that John had promised to stop bringing his friends on the way home, because he would end up ignoring you, and now there was a friend walking with them.
When the boy finally leaves, John looks at you as if he forgot you were there. You watch as the boy goes through the front door, catching a glimpse of a dark, cluttered house. You wonder where his parents are.
John coaxes you into a race - who can get home first - and he wins. He always wins. A year older, stronger, faster. Your dad greets you, asking about your days, and laughing as you complain about how John ignored you on the way home.
The next week, the boy walks with you again. His name is JJ, and he’s funny. He gives you a twinkie as a peace offering, saying that he wants to walk with you and John from now on. You shrugged, and took the twinkie, telling him it was for the food, and only the food.
11 years
You’re eleven, in your first year of middle school, and you and John ride home from school everyday on your bikes. On the days when you’re not surfing or hanging out with friends, you cycle home with John, JJ and a new member of the gang, Pope. You and JJ, while still at a twinkie-incited truce, are growing more competitive and show-offish around each other. You race your bikes to his, and if you stop at the corner store on the way home, you see who can chug their cola faster. John fights with you when you get home because they’re “his friends, not yours!”
You have your own friends, and sometimes you cross with your brother’s friends in town, sass thrown between the groups like a tennis rally, the twinkie-truce fading into the past. You can’t stand the tall blonde surfer, but you can’t wait to argue with him on your way home from school.
14 years
You’re fourteen, and after a year long break from your brother’s friends, you’re, once again, at the same school. You’ve changed, filled out more over the last year, puberty having hit you like a tonne of bricks since you last hung out. The three pogues now have one female friend, Kiara, and you become fast friends. You can tell your brother has a thing for her, and you wonder if he’ll ever bring her home to meet your dad.
JJ sees you differently now. You seem less like the eight year old he met six years ago, but you’re still very much yourself. He pulls your ponytail as you pass him in the hallways at school, and you flip him off in return. You sometimes go to the same parties, and your drinking races have switched from cola to beer. John hates you being at parties, claiming your too young to drink or party, as if he wasn’t the year before. John can see how JJ looks at you, and he hates it. He hates seeing how guys look at you now, how they flirt, hit on and catcall his baby sister. He also hates how in your efforts to compete with JJ, you get into fights and run your mouth. He hates how JJ shows off around you, and vice versa.
Despite his frustrations with JJ, he’s also the only guy who’ll stand up for you when you or John can’t do it yourselves. He hopes you don’t grow up too quickly, and he knows that his friends will always have your back, so he’s not worried.
15 years
You’re fifteen, and you go to a kegger for the first time. You get drunk quickly, flirting with too many guys and giggling at every little thing. You share a blunt with JJ, and the pair of you practically piss yourselves with laughter when John tries to reprimand you. The night is fun, and you can’t wait for the next one.
The next one is much worse. You’re one or two drinks in when you see JJ flirting with a touron. In retrospect, that’s probably when you first noticed your feelings, but at the time you have no idea why you’re so angry about it. By the end of the night, you’ve had half a bottle of vodka and two spliffs, and you’re way far gone. You might even have blacked out - but all you remember is the pure rage, and how you spent ten minutes throwing up by the front porch when you got home.
You saw JJ the next day, and you’re both hungover. He checks on you, and neither of you really understand why you’re so cold towards him, but he leaves pretty quickly.
You cry that night.
16 years
You’re sixteen, and your dad is missing. You lost all your friends when you fell into a depression after it. Nine months later, and you feel happy again. You’re the final member of pogue crew, and you spend the summer surfing and swimming and settle into the routine of summer. You surf first thing in the morning, as dawn breaks, often with JJ, competing over who’s a better surfer (he is). You spend your afternoons on the HMS Pogue, competing with JJ over who’s the better swimmer (you are). The group of you drink and smoke and live your best lives. On the days where you’re not on the boat, you work.
You know you love JJ, and you flirt constantly. He kisses you at a kegger, barely twenty minutes before he pulls the gun on Topper. You have your first serious argument that night, and it ends with him kissing you.
You wear your heart on your sleeve, and assure him you love him. He doesn’t say it back, but he shows it. You learn about his Dad and his work and how he learnt to surf. You sneak around, and, miraculously, don’t get caught.
16 ½ years
You’re sixteen and a half when John and Sarah go missing. Kie and Pope try to help, but you don’t pay them any attention. You and JJ struggle, with yourselves, each other, and your relationship. You’re on the rocks, you’re up against the wall. You don’t think you’ll last, and you fight constantly.
Your relationship is toxic, taking your own angers out on each other, fighting and screaming in each others faces only to make up for a honeymoon period that lasts a week, max, and the cycle repeats. You’re both miserable.
17 years
You’re seventeen, and he breaks up with you. You were too alike - both too impulsive, angry, broken for it to ever work. You apply to out-of state colleges, hoping to escape the islands you used to love.
You wait for an acceptance letter, and watch as the people you call family try to rebuild their lives.
18 years
You’re eighteen, and you get the letter. UCLA, on the other side of the country. You say your goodbyes to Kie and Pope, and eventually, JJ.
He looks broken, when you tell him. He asks you what you’d do if John came back and you weren’t around, but you had resigned yourself to John’s death long ago. You fight one last time. You fuck one last time. You love one last time.
You wonder if you’ll ever return.
22 years
You’re twenty two, and you’ve got a degree. You fly home the day after graduation, and everything has changed.
Kie runs the Wreck now, and she gives you a free meal and you talk for hours when you first arrive. She invited you to her and Pope’s place.
They have a nice place. Not on Figure Eight, but on that side of the island - Pope’s got a high earning job in marine biology research. They’re happy.
You smoke a blunt with Pope, for old time’s sake. He tells you to see JJ, and gives you a slip of paper with the address. You don’t know if you want to throw it into the ocean or treasure it forever. You do neither.
It takes you a week to psych yourself up to it, and then you knock on his door.
His house is small, but not tiny, not like his childhood home. He welcomes you in, a light in his eyes you hadn’t seen in years. He sits you down at the dinner table, and you take in the pictures on the mantel shelf, and the mementos stuck to the fridge.
You see the ring on his finger.
You enter a state of stasis. You were sure he was it for you, but the circumstances were wrong and you were too immature. Right person, wrong time, or something along those lines. No, apparently not. He moved on, he built a life without you, a happier, healthier life.
His wife is lovely, everything you’re not. She’s patient and kind and soft-spoken, the opposite to him, bringing balance. She stabilises him, and gives him what he needs.
You think of how you would argue with him, the screaming, shouting, throwing plates and vases. Your love was so naive, but so passionate. Everything that happened while you were together, everything that went wrong, happened because your tempers and stubborn natures and impulsivity was destructive.
You fly back to California a week later.
You sit on the plane and reminisce. The night you and JJ broke up, the house got wrecked. You had been standing inches apart, but screaming at the top of your lungs. You had lost your temper and overturned a table, smashing all the crockery left on it. He had thrown a vase at the wall, and you had fought until your voices broke and you were too tired and sore to keep throwing shit at walls and each other. You had sat next to each other, leaning on the wall by the front door, an uncharacteristic calm washing over you.
You had looked at him, heart aching, and told him that you needed to split up. He had nodded, and eventually, the pair of you had drifted off to sleep, dreaming of a world where you could be together without all the hate in the way.
When you woke up in the morning, he was gone, but the mess had stayed. You had had to tiptoe over thousands of shards of broken crockery and glass to get to your room, a reminder of how you were destined to self-destruct.
You watched out the window as the plane landed, and vowed never to return again.
Outer Banks was no longer your home.
#outer banks#obx#outer banks fanfiction#outer banks fanfic#obx fanfiction#obx fanfic#jj maybank#jj maybank x reader#jj maybank x you#jj maybank x y/n#jj maybank x routledge!reader#jj x reader#jj x you#jj x y/n#jj x routledge!reader#jj obx#jj maybank obx#john b#john b x sister!reader#john b routledge#john b routledge x sister!reader#pope outer banks#pope obx#kiara#obx kiara
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answering questions I’ve been asked on TikTok✨
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QUESTION: how did you get into reading?
So, when I was in middle school (many moons ago) we had this thing called AR Testing. Basically, you read a book and take a test on it—the questions were things that happened in the book, it was really simple. If you got a good grade, you got points. The more points you earned, the more eligible you were for the reading party at the end of each semester. Me, being the nerd I am, got top of my class because I went through 8th grade level books like it was nothing. The librarian at my school brought me books from the high school to read since everything was easy for me, and alas, my addiction began. And now that I have adult money, it’s a true addiction. Also, telling my father “I’m bored” and his response being, “go read a book or something” so thanks dad.
QUESTION: what’s one book you ALWAYS recommend to people?
This one is tough because I’ve read THOUSANDS of books, but if I had to choose one, it would probably be Confess by Colleen Hoover. I fell in love with her work in high school when I first read Ugly Love, but Confess is the type of book that pulls at your heart strings, y’all. It has everything people love: humor, sexual tension, drama, love. GO BUY THE DAMN BOOK. Or honestly any book by Colleen Hoover—she’s a fucking amazing author.
QUESTION: outside of making TikToks, what do you do for a living?
I currently work at a restaurant and hate every second of it. If anyone tells you to become a server, DONT. It’s not worth the hassle, I promise you. Sure, you can make decent money but the amount of rude customers and shitty tips you receive each shift is very disheartening. If you really need a job, do anything BUT work in the food industry.
QUESTION: what’s your wattpad story about?
First question: which one? I have about 30 drafts sitting there waiting to be posted. But, I’m going to assume you’re talking about the Harry Styles fan fiction I’ve been working on for the past 4 years and haven’t had the courage to post. I’ll tell you a little about it: Elaine Aldridge is forced into a betrothal to a man she’s never met & loathes. She goes to his court and realizes things aren’t what they truly seem. And the guard her future husband sticks on her??? None other than Mr. Harry Styles. Add in some magic & deaths and you’ve got my story— The First Prince. (Honestly, that’s an extremely shitty description so if you wanna check it out go to my wattpad account)
QUESTION: how old are you?
Ahem. . . twenty-one.
QUESTION: what is your dream career?
Being a published author and having people rave about my books. That’s all. Or, an editor for a publishing company. Imagine reading all day and being paid for it🤩
QUESTION: what was your least favorite read of 2020?
I already KNOW I’m gonna get shit for this but....... the wicked king. YALL I LITERALLY COULDNT GET THROUGH IT IM SO SORRY, I STILL HAVENT FINISHED IT
QUESTION: current favorite author?
Sarah. J. Maas. I don’t know what it is about her writing style, but it’s addicting. Throne of Glass is hands down the best series I’ve ever read. A Court of Thorns and Roses is the first book I’ve EVER reread. Her stories truly suck you in and hold onto you—you get lost so easily in her writing and it’s like once you’re done with a series, nothing will compare. Or, at least that’s how I felt after finishing Kingdom of Ash. Honorable mentions: Jennifer L. Armentrout, Penelope Douglas, L.J Shen, Elle Kennedy and Kennedy Fox.
QUESTION: any recommendations/tips to give to a new reader?
I’ve always given this advice to people who want to get into reading: find what you like and start with that. If you like romance, I’ve got a list for you to choose from. Mystery? Another list. Sci-fi? I GOT YOU. Fantasy? Yes! Sports fiction? It might take me a second but I’ll find you a book. Nonfiction? I’m zero help in that category, honestly. The point of the matter is that you’re never going to enjoy a book if you aren’t interested in the underlying topics.
QUESTION: do you ever find yourself comparing your life to fictional life?
Yes. All the time. I daydream about being apart of the Inner Circle and living in Terrasen with Aelin and Rowan. I think about what it would be like to have real powers and a mate. It drives my boyfriend crazy—but he loves me anyway.
QUESTION: what are your most anticipated books of 2021?
Here’s a list:
A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas
The Crown of Gilded Bones by Jennifer L. Armentrout
Gods and Monsters by Shelby Mahurin
Crescent City 2 (Untitled) by Sarah J. Maas
A Vow So Bold and Deadly by Brigid Kemmerer (I just ordered this one & it arrives tomorrow)
Blessed Monsters by Emily A. Duncan
QUESTION: why did you start a Tumblr?
Honestly, I used to love tumblr when I was in grade school (way too young to be on here then but what else is new). I like having an extra space to get my questions and comments out without having to compress it into a 60 second video for TikTok to see. Tumblr is a good place to blog & post things like this.
QUESTION: what’s your favorite song right now?
I’ve listened to Carry You by Novo Amor every day for the past two months and I cry each time.
QUESTION: why write Harry Styles fan fiction?
Simple: I love Harry Styles. I’ve been a fan of him and One Direction since they were on X FACTOR. Read that again. X. Factor. I used to watch their performances on YouTube before WMYB even came out. Of course, I love all of the 1D boys but I was always a Harry gal. And I look up to him in a way—I’ve read things about people wishing they knew him personally and honestly? I would never want to meet him. I like the version of him I’ve cooked up in my brain over the past 10 years. I like the symbiotic relationship I have with his music. Fine Line is a ✨masterpiece✨. HS1 is a ✨work of art✨.
now, some topics I’ve been asked way too many times and want to finally get to:
QUESTION: political views?
the saying “anyone but trump” has been in my brain for the past four years. No, I’m not a republican. No, I’m not a democrat. I like to think of myself as a progressive (ahem, liberal) Did I vote for a democratic candidate? Yes, and I’d do it again and again until the US isn’t one of the worst countries—I’m sorry, businesses— to be apart of. I wanted Bernie but got Biden, and I’m alright with that. And my girl Kamala🥳
QUESTION: how did you feel about the BLM protests?
I went to multiple BLM protests and donated a lot of funds to BLM & other organizations. It’s 2021, people... stop being fucking RACIST. And don’t be afraid to call racist people out! Black Lives Matter, even if no one is posting about it anymore.
QUESTION: thoughts on abortion?
your body your choice, queen! not my uterus, not my problem.
QUESTION: there was a comment on an old video of yours talking about r*pe, why did you delete the comment?
I made a video when I first started my account on TikTok about reading in public and feeling “turned on” by it. Go watch it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. BUT, some ignorant male decided to comment and say “this is how girls get r*ped”. Whew. So. I deleted the comment because ....
I am a victim of sexual assault. Along with a lot of other women. 1 in 5 women have been victims of sexual assault. Talking about being r*ped isn’t funny.
No one else needed to see his comment. I reported it immediately and his account was shut down.
I never got justice for what happened to me, and the fact that some random male—who had never even met me or seen me before my video showed up on his FYP—had the nerve to comment that? Unacceptable.
this question isn’t as controversial but
QUESTION: what’s the best way to get out of a toxic relationship?
okay, let me just start off by saying that the people around you who love and support you are going to be your backbone. Leaving a toxic situation is hard, and every situation is different, but my best piece of advice to offer you is don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your loved ones are going to be there for you when you need them, even if you don’t believe they will. If you explain what’s happening, someone you know and love will drop whatever it is their doing to make sure you get out safely. good luck my babes.
now, back to our regularly scheduled program:
QUESTION: any tips on making tiktoks?
Literally none. I post what I think is funny and relatable and if anyone agrees, I’m satisfied. Even if it’s one view, it’s good enough for me. So I guess my one tip is to not base your life off of an app and followers.
QUESTION: favorite Harry Styles fanfic?
DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. Duplicity is up there, along with Stall 1&2, and Kiwi. After? Absolutely not.
QUESTION: favorite WEBTOON?
y’all already KNOW. LORE OLYMPUS BY USEDBANDAID. Rachel is a genius and I have reread the series a million times. Hades is my soulmate and Apollo can rot in the fiery pits of the Underworld. also, if we’re talking about other webcomics, reading Walk on Water on mangadex...🤫
QUESTION: favorite movie?
Howls Moving Castle. I will be getting my “a heart is a heavy burden” tattoo very very soon.
QUESTION: I read your Elain theory on tumblr, can you explain a little more?
I thought I was pretty straightforward but I’ll say it again: she is always the “good” one and it’s too suspicious. SJM has already given one Archeron sister a happy ending, Nesta’s is obviously inevitable, but Elain? She has too many options for a happy ending. Lucien, who is her “mate”. Azriel, who is intrigued by her slightly. Her human guy—I don’t remember his name—who is disgusted that she’s not human anymore. Or, alone, planting flowers all day. BUT! My point is that she’s not truly happy. She was forced into the Cauldron just like Nesta. She was ripped away from the life she loved so dearly and didn’t want to give up. The man she was going to marry now hates her guts because she’s a High Fae. She has the perfect set up for a villain plot line and I’m all here for it.
well, that’s all I feel like doing tonight. hope you enjoyed my little q&a! be kind, and talk to you later! byeeee!
#a court of silver flames#acotar#harry styles#one direction#sarah j maas#throne of glass#wattpad#tiktok#elain archeron#howls moving castle#lore olympus#q&a time#walk on water#persephone#lore olympus hades
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chapter one - original story (i havent come up with a title yet lol)
okay so here it is!! if anyone actually reads this i love u :) please leave feedback if u have any!!
TWs:
death, drugs, medication, mental illness, references to sex, swearing, alcohol
wordcount: 8.2k
(also i dont think anyone will but im paranoid of people stealing my writing so obligatory dont copy/post to another site or steal my work in any other ways etc)
There were five of us; 4 boys and me. In hindsight I realize from the outside our group probably seemed a little predatory, but it was never really like that. For the most part they were like brothers to me. Of course, being the only girl in a small and isolated club of mainly older boys, things were bound to happen. We were in high school and it was summer, can you blame me? Regardless, however much I loved them, it was not quite in the way my father always assumed or my mother always warned (during our uncomfortable monthly visitations before I managed to get rid of her for good).
The months everything went down, which I often referred to only as ‘The Worst Summer of My Life’, (quite melodramatically but not without reason) were somehow still full of the best moments of my life. Moments I often find myself wishing I could repeat, as nothing has or will ever come close to the way I felt, sitting amongst my boys day after day, somehow light as the warm July breeze that blew past us. My entire body weightless, as non-existent as the time that passed us by. Despite the depression I’d found myself plunged into during the days after my only brother’s death, I truly believe I will never again be as happy as I was then. Laughter seemed to flow freely from our mouths, smiles plastered onto our faces no matter the circumstances, content to just exist. I don’t think I can ever forget the day it was raining so hard the entire city was flooded, but we walked around uptown well past the point of being absolutely drenched, our clothes dripping so heavily the security guard denied us entry into the public library. Something about that day made me feel so free, like we were invisible. Completely apathetic to the whims of the real world, somehow existing only in our twisted minds and intertwined fantasies.
Maybe if I’d had my head screwed on a little tighter, or if we’d met under different circumstances, it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. I used to go down that line of thought every night before succumbing to a fitful but heavy sleep (under the direct affect of 25mg of Quetiapine, working to counteract my Concerta and Lexapro). Those types of irrational thoughts were ones my therapist deemed as my habit for rumination. In regard to the death of my brother she called it ‘bargaining’, one of the stages of grief. I never liked it when she spoke about those stages as I’ve always felt them to be wrong. Maybe because I never quite moved on to the final one, no matter how many years pass. ‘Acceptance’, coined as the “Re-entrance to reality”. Maybe it’s different since I was never really grounded to reality in the first place. I still wake up some mornings, thinking I’ve heard his voice in the other room, ready to beguile me with tales from his day of retail work. Other times I swear I’ve walked past him on the street. Some people may relate to my experiences, with reasonings of ghosts, angels, apparitions, or insanity, among many other causes for the apparent viewing of a loved one long gone to the other side. I never shared these beliefs, but I am not one to deny. Rather, I always take these instances as an omen. A warning. I have come to this conclusion not without evidence, at least circumstantial, given the many occasions over the years – and especially that summer – where I found my hypothesis to be true. All I can say is that I am glad I’ve never been met with the same chimerical visions of my mother; one can only hope that is because she ended up where she belonged. Maybe I’ll see her there, though I hope at the very least they could keep us in separate rooms of Hell if the situation does arise.
From what I know of the others now, which is admittedly not much – majorly due to my own neglect, as opposed to theirs – they share the same prescription for rose-coloured glasses as I. We always were too engrossed with our own romanticization of nostalgia and sentiment that it clouded our view. I often think this was one of the reasons we seemed to fit so well together. Not quite like puzzle pieces, too self-absorbed to hold a candle to that analogy, more like complimentary colours. I wish it could’ve stayed the way it was. We did try, and I never found myself able to fully disentangle myself from James, nor he could to I, but for most of us we could recognize an ending when one arises. I used to find myself using the word tragedy a lot while reminiscing, but I no longer think that word is appropriate. Fate is a more fitting term in my opinion, regardless of if one believes in it or not. “(A)n inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end,” as reported by Merriam Webster. I don’t think there’s a word in the entire English language more accurate in describing how everything ended up; and if there is, I am yet to find it.
Chapter One
A Dead Brother
I have tried to erase the day my brother died from my memory so many times I lost count decades ago. I still find the image seeping into my unconsciousness quite dreadfully on the nights I neglect to take my pills and catch myself waking up with a steady flow of tears that dampen my pillow along with the drool that always seems to pour from my sleeping mouth. The dread that pools in my stomach sometimes being heavy enough for me to lose my lunch. I frequently wonder how people managed to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault; the most painful lie I’ve ever been told and one that seemed to stream from people’s mouths as easily as the mini sandwiches laid in the living room of my brother’s wake were stuffed in. The worst part about being told it wasn’t my fault was how obviously one could tell they didn’t believe what they were saying either. His death was my fault; a fact so uncontestable I wanted to kill myself every time I was reminded of it.
My therapist often tried to remind me that even if his death was “partially” (she always used the word partially, refusing to acknowledge the truth that his death was entirely my fault) my fault, there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. This was another lie I despised being told. There were a million ways I could have prevented his death or saved his life and yet, here we are, with him dead and me wishing everyday that I won’t wake up tomorrow. “Begonia,” she’d tell me – she was the only person who called me by my full name, I usually went by Nia, but a nickname felt too personal and I didn’t like her very much – “You mustn’t keep torturing yourself with these scenarios. He’s dead, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I am starting to wonder if you are going to let yourself move on. This isn’t healthy.” That was a line she liked to use a lot, “this isn’t healthy”. As if anything I do is.
Barb, my therapist that is, liked to go over the details of my brother’s death a lot. She often called it a ‘trigger’, which is why she always seemed to want me to talk about it. “Trauma is a horrible thing, Begonia, and you must learn to move past it, process it. I can see you still haven’t managed to do that on your own, and that’s what I’m here for, to help you move on.” Barb was big on the idea of “moving past trauma” and “learning to cope”, she often sounded like a broken record of a motivational speech. I found myself comparing her to school guidance councillors without realizing it, they were about equally as helpful (read: not helpful) in my opinion.
Sometimes I blame my inability to forget and “move past” my brother’s death on the way Barb constantly brought it up and made me go through it. I never quite understood how that part of my therapy was supposed to help me. I asked her once, what good was it doing rehashing the worst day of my life?
“Well, Begonia,” I hated the way she said my name, always so condescending and sour, like even the idea of me questioning her in any way was as impolite as shitting on her desk.
“You have to understand that I only want to help you. You seem to be unable to process your traumas on your own, which is why we need to go through these things. As you are aware, this PTSD,” she always left strange pauses after each letter, her slow tone grinding on my ears, “you have acquired has left you unable to function normally in daily life. I want you to get to a place where you can have a normal life (Ha!) and cope without these meetings. It’s what your brother would’ve wanted.” Barb liked to tell me what my brother would have wanted at least once every session. Putting aside the fact she knew next to nothing about him aside from the intimate details on how he died, I always thought it was an inappropriate thing to say as a psychologist specializing in grief counselling. It never particularly bothered me, I was reasonable enough to realize she was just trying to comfort me, but I never liked the phrase. “What your brother would’ve wanted.” What he would’ve wanted was to not die but we’re past that, aren’t we Barb, as you so often enjoyed telling me.
I have always been quite averse to my diagnoses, ADHD at 14, Persistent Depressive Disorder at 15, PTSD at 16, issues with alcohol and drugs that landed me in rehab more than once. I’ve been on a concoction of different medications since I was 13, even before I was diagnosed with anything officially. Sertraline, Lexapro, Prozac, Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall, Quetiapine, Ambien, Zopiclone, a healthy mix of off brand and branded medications. Sleeping pills, antidepressants, stimulants. I can’t remember a time before monthly trips to the drug store and side effect surveys that I’m not sure if I ever told the truth on. It’s a wonder that people didn’t see a slew of addiction issues coming from a mile away.
I think I’ve always had the most contention with my PTSD diagnosis though, I hate it because I know it’s undeniably true. I wish it wasn’t because maybe that’d mean my brother was still alive, but he isn’t. And I’m left traumatized and bereaved. Sometimes it feels like it hurt me more than it ever did my mother or father. Maybe it did. I should feel selfish for saying that, but I can’t, because they didn’t have to look at him while the life left his body, praying to God for the ability to turn back time. See the moment his eyes glazed over, knowing I’d never get to hear his obnoxious laugh, or make fun of his dumb face ever again.
❈
“Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.”
It was a cool evening in May, the end of spring brought with it the promise of summer and the air had the familiar aroma of daffodils and petrichor. I had decided to go to a party with my friend Faun, my dad having been out at his girlfriend’s place for the weekend and me having nothing better to do. I wasn’t one for partying, but I did like to get high, so I usually just hung around with the rest of the potheads and pill junkies until someone dragged me home or I fell asleep. That night Don, a friend of a friend of a friend, had brought coke and E and we were all determined to get as fucked up as possible. Faun only ended up doing one line before running into a bedroom with some guy whose name started with an M – was it Martin or Marvin? Maybe it was Mickey – and left me sitting on the couch beside a girl who was about 1 more shot of vodka away from passing out.
I had fully intended on doing some coke, but the E seemed to be hitting harder than I was used to. I was sure my Ritalin had worn off by then but maybe I was wrong. As I stood up to get a glass of water I nearly fell over and decided to sit back down. Turning to face Don, I tapped him on the shoulder trying to get his attention.
“What was in that molly?” I was vaguely aware of the way my words were slurring, but I felt weirdly energized. I was aware my heart was beating a little too fast, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I knew what ecstasy felt like, this was not nearly my first time doing it, but I felt really wrong.
“Don!” He turned to look at me and I felt uneasy. His eyes looked a little crazed – not that out of the ordinary but given the circumstances I was worried – “What the fuck did you give me?” It felt like I’d done 5 lines of coke in the last 2 minutes and I knew that E had been spiked.
Don’s face had an unmistakable expression of guilt written on it as he leaned down and whispered in my ear, his voice shaking, “I think it was cut with meth.” Fuck. My stomach dropped. I have to get out of here. I quickly shot up from the musty couch I was sat on, carefully holding onto Don’s shoulder so I didn’t fall, my legs still feeling unsteady. I opened my phone; the screen was too bright, and I had a hard time maneuvering it as I attempted to exit the house. Clicking the green Messages icon, I sent a text to Faun – e ws cut w meth im lesving – with shaky hands and burst out the door into the fresh air. I clicked my brother’s contact and pressed call.
It rang four times before he picked up.
“Nia? Why are you calling me it’s like 1am?” I could tell from the smooth tone of his voice he’d been drinking. He didn’t very often but he had an appreciation for cocktails and enjoyed getting buzzed now and then. He still was a year from being legal to drink but his friends we’re all 19 and 20 and bought alcohol for him. I found him fun when he got drunk, becoming talkative and giggly, but right now I wished so badly for him to be sober.
“Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.” I was slurring, my voice a bit too pitchy to pass as anything but high. I knew he didn’t like it when I did this, but he never ratted me out. Sometimes I wish he did, maybe I never would’ve been able to go to that party in the first place.
I could hear a door shutting on his end, I assumed he was going into a different room. “What’s wrong?” My skin was bubbling with anxiety at the prospect of having to tell him what I did.
“Fuck, uh… I did something stupid. I’m at Emily Goguen’s, y’know up in Champlain Heights. Please pick me up.” I rarely used the word please.
“Nia, what the fuck did you do?” I almost started crying but I found my eyes to be bone dry.
“Please don’t yell.”
“Okay, really, tell me what is going on or I won’t come get you.”
“I accidentally took meth.”
“You what? What the fuck, Nia! Fuck this I’m on my way and I’m fucking telling Dad.” I cringed but I knew he was going to before I even called. The pit in my stomach grew deeper as the buzzing of my skin grew stronger. I could feel myself getting higher, everything was so clear and standing around was making me grow restless. Ray huffed on the phone and I heard him entering his car.
His tone was softer the next time he spoke. “I’ll be there in 5, just stay put, please. Do you want me to stay on the call or can I hang up?”
I felt like a child, which I was really, only 16 at the time, a whole life ahead of me. Still, I was grateful for the way he spoke to me, reminiscent of being 6 and getting a scrapped knee after falling off my pink Razor scooter. The high made me edgy, and my voice was sharp to my ears, “No, you can hang up.” I heard the click to indicate he’d done just that, and started pushing my cuticles as I waited, the task somehow greatly interesting me, and I did not realize until later I had managed to pick off all of the skin around my pointer and middle fingernails during the five-minute wait.
Ray pulled up exactly five minutes later in his ugly, blue 2011 Ford Fiesta he’d gotten the year prior after passing his driving test. What I wouldn’t do now to smell the inside of that car once again, a distinct attar of pineapple car freshener and Old Spice deodorant mixed with stale black tea, faintly present due to his ever-growing collection of empty paper cups from various different fast foods and coffee shops.
I stumbled into the car, feeling the strong impulse to clean the space, but attempting to push it down. From the passenger side overhead mirror I could see my blown pupils and sweaty forehead, pieces of my copper red hair sticking to my face. My freckles were showing through my concealer that had mostly worn off and I wanted to cover them back up. My skin was pale from winter (and probably the drugs in my system) but my cheeks were flushed like I was drunk. My high cheekbones made my face look gaunt in the lighting, but my face was wide which balanced it out, so I didn’t look completely skeletal. Ray was looking at me, the worry apparent in his eyes, but his face was flushed as well, and I could tell he’d been drinking a bit too much to drive. I had my license as well, but it was clear I was in no condition to take over on that front, so I didn’t bother saying anything. I wish I had. There’s a lot of things I wish. I wish I hadn’t gone to that party; I wish I hadn’t taken that E; I wish I called someone else; I wish I waited it out at Emily’s; I wish I walked home; I wish I took a cab; I wish I waited for Faun; I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.
“Are you okay?” He didn’t take his eyes off me as I shut the mirror in front of me.
“Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine. Please just take me home.”
“Is Dad there?”
“No.”
“Maybe I should take you to Mom’s.”
“No!” I’d moved out of my mom’s completely just over 6 months ago, barely seeing her once a month. It was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. She never liked me much anyways, the feeling was entirely mutual. Ray seemed to have a close bond with her for some reason despite how she treated him like shit. I never called him out though, he no longer lived with her, so I didn’t really care what their relationship was as long as she wasn’t hurting him. She did treat him significantly better than me, however, so I figured maybe he managed to forgive her the way I never could.
“Okay, but I’m staying with you until Dad gets home. I’m not gonna lie to him about this shit. Fucking meth, Nia? Seriously?”
“It was in the molly.” He sighed and started driving.
My brain felt like it was filled with butterflies, or ants, some kind of movement that was itching at my skull. The paper cups scattered around were making me anxious and I needed to clean his car. I began picking at my nails again, but I needed to pick up those cups, you see. I turned around and started gathering the ones Ray had discarded in the back, filling up an empty plastic bag from Best Buy. I was fully switched around in my seat, nearly crawling into the backseat to reach the trash my brother had left. I felt him tap my side, I looked over at him and he started to scold me.
“Nia, stop that will you, you’re distracting me.” But I needed to finish gathering the cups. The car was dirty, and my skin was itching, the traffic lights burning my skin. I was elated and I didn’t want to listen to him, he was just trying to get in my way. I continued to lean over, not registering the swerve of the car as he looked over at me.
“Nia – ”
He turned over to push me back into my seat, his eyes leaving the road for no more than a few seconds. This time I felt the swerve as we broke into the next lane.
This is where I have a hard time piecing together what happened. From what I was told, we ended up running directly into a 2015 Dodge Ram 2500. In case you understandably have a lack of knowledge when it comes to cars, that is a very large, sturdy, and expensive pickup truck which I would probably consider the last vehicle you’d want to charge headfirst into while going 70km per hour. I don’t recall the actual incident of hitting the truck, whether that be from the drugs, the position I was in, or hitting my head on the roof of the car, I don’t know. What I do know is that when I woke up, we were in a ditch on the side of the road, with the car flipped upside down, and my entire body was screaming at me to Get Out!
I felt blood oozing sluggishly from my head and noted some indistinct pain in my right wrist where it had scraped something pretty badly and gotten twisted, but I otherwise felt alright. I couldn’t tell if the cloudiness in my head was from a concussion or the earlier events of the night, but I figured it was probably good I was awake, regardless of how dazed I seemed.
I turned my head to the left and was greeted by a view I will never be able to forget, it having been branded to the insides of my eyelids, scorched in my mind. Ray, with his left arm twisted in spectacular fashion, reminding me of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, after Lockhart spells away Harry’s bones. My brother had always been squeamish with broken bones and I hoped he wasn’t aware of how his limb looked at the moment. His head was bleeding quite profusely, and I was alarmed despite how many times I’d heard in movies that headwounds bleed a lot. His eyelids were fluttering, irises appearing glassy and unfocussed. And then I saw it. A piece of glass was stuck in the left side of his neck. The windshield apparently had broken with the impact and my brother was lucky enough to get a piece lodged right in his trachea. It was thick, bright red blood – that I could’ve sworn was sparkling in my current inebriated perspective – was gushing out the side, so heavy I could smell it, taste it, in the air. I was frozen once I realized.
Do something, do something! Put pressure on it! Call 9-1-1! My mind was screaming at me, but it was all I could do to sit and watch the blood stain his clothes. He was wearing the corduroy jacket I’d gotten him for his birthday and a white button up, the red seeped into them until it was as if they’d always been that colour. My voice was caught in my throat, but I managed to push some sound past.
“Ray?” It was weaker than a whisper but in the silence that seemed to envelope us in that car, completely independent of the outside world and sirens that could surely be heard from blocks away, I knew he would be able to hear me.
He looked up, eyes focussing slightly on me, and a tear slipped down his face, only it went the wrong way since we were still upside down. He mouthed the words “I love you”. We never said that to each other. As close as we were, our relationship had always been more comparable to that of a best friend than sibling. We weren’t overly affectionate, never hugged or said I love you, hung out for enjoyment rather than as a punishment. Most people didn’t know we were brother and sister until we pointed it out, we never really looked alike and were absent of the traditional distaste and rivalry usually present between siblings. I knew, as he looked me in the eyes and said those words, this would be the last time I’d ever see him outside of a morgue.
I sat in my seat next to him with dry eyes, wishing desperately I could cry, needing to express the feeling of utter horror and despondency that completely overtook my body and mind, but I couldn’t. Barb told me time and time again that I was in shock, there was nothing I could’ve done, but I will never be able to believe that. I still remember the moment the final tear slipped down his face. He smiled at me, pain evident in his eyes. His entire body was covered in the metallic smelling red, and I wanted to vomit. I wish I could say the crash had sobered me, but it didn’t, not really. I was still entirely in a daze as I saw his muscles relax, smiling falling from his face, eyes not quite rolling back all the way but enough to give me nightmares for the next 20 years. The life had been absorbed from his body, leaving a heavy shell. I was told afterwards this all happened within the span of 10 minutes, but it felt like years. By the time the first responders had appeared I was an old woman. Grayed hair, and arthritic bones. Mourning for the brother I’d lost oh so many years ago, when I was just a girl. I think in a way I died in that car with him, I never was really the same. But who would be? Best friend and confidant, older brother, idol, dying in front of your eyes as you do nothing, knowing for the rest of your life that his death is – was – your fault. Knowing you could’ve done something, anything really, to prevent his untimely loss of life before the paramedics arrived. If I’d been the same after that night I would have to be much more disturbed than I ever thought.
I sat in that car beside Ray’s corpse for 3 more minutes before I heard the sirens closing in around us – me. I thought I might pass out, either from the toll of what I’d just witnessed or from my concussion, but I remained upright, probably from the adrenaline. I couldn’t move so I just waited, and hoped I’d die too before anyone reached the scene. It would be much preferrable to any other outcome I could think of at the time. I could vaguely register the pain in my wrist, but I felt so numb I’m sure you could’ve shot me in the foot and I wouldn’t have blinked.
A young fireman named Walter ended up getting me out of the car. The door was smashed and stuck which meant I’d been trapped in there either way. I was happy I hadn’t bothered trying to escape as I'm terribly claustrophobic and finding out I couldn’t would have thrown me into a proper panic attack. The fireman was incredibly nice, saying reassuring things the entire time they were opening the door with the “Jaws of Life”. I ended up seeing him again in the hospital actually, or at least that���s what my father told me. He wanted to check in on me and left me some hydrangeas in a vase. I always preferred chrysanthemums but I'm not that picky when it comes to a floral arrangement.
After the door was busted open I was carried out by Walter. I was shaking and apparently babbling nonsense but in my head I was trying to tell them to save Ray. I wasn’t really aware of all that much, completely blind to the crowd of spectators that had rudely gathered to witness the violence – wasn’t it supposed to be taboo to stop at a car crash? Wondering vaguely about what happened and wishing you could get a better look as you drive past the scene. My head wound had made me a bit incompetent and the meth in my system was really not helping the entire situation.
I was laid on a gurney and rolled onto an ambulance. I don’t remember much about the ride; the sirens, the bright lights, a paramedic named Alice who spoke softly, smoothing out my hair while the other put an oxygen mask on my face (which I wasn’t entirely cognizant enough to question though now I'm not really sure why they did it) and splinted my wrist. Alice asked me if I was on drugs and I nodded but was unable to speak when she asked me what ( I would find this a common occurrence after the accident, my voice seemingly stolen alongside Ray’s). She just nodded and said something to the other ME that I didn’t quite pick up. She asked if I could tell her my name and I shook my head. She must’ve noticed the iPhone in my pocket and grabbed it, turning to the medical ID page.
“Is your name Begonia?” I nodded, though the name sounded foreign on my ears. I liked the way Alice said it though, she had a light Spanish accent and a matronly tone that made me feel safe. I wondered if she had kids of her own; she looked young, but my own mother had me at 19 so who could say? She told me her name after complimenting mine. “Begonia is a beautiful name; I love the flowers. I’m Alice, okay? We’re gonna make sure you’re alright and take you to the hospital.” Her voice was sweet like syrup and I became sleepy as she spoke.
“No honey, you can’t fall asleep yet. Just stay awake a little bit longer and I promise you they’ll let you sleep at the hospital.”
I don’t remember anything of the rest of the ride to the hospital. I was dropped off at the Emergency Room at the Regional, head still too foggy to allow me to recall anything before I was sitting in a white bed, in a white room, with white sheets and a light blue hospital gown on. It was morning and my father was sitting at the end of my bed in an uncomfortable plastic chair, his eyes bloodshot and moist. He’d very obviously been crying for a long time and my chest panged with guilt. I reached up to feel my head and realized there was a cast on my wrist. With my other hand I touched the cotton that covered my forehead, wincing when I felt the sting of what had to be stitches in a nasty gash. I would spend the next 5 years of my life with a variety of diverse haircuts that attempted to hide the ugly scar that served as a reminder of the worst night of my life. Even now it is still extremely obvious, but I can’t be bothered to try and hide it, I so rarely look in the mirror that it wouldn’t matter if my skin turned blue.
My dad hadn’t looked up, so I attempted to gain his attention but once again found my voice failing me. I tapped on the bed a few times before he seemed to realize and face me.
“Nia… how are you feeling?” His voice was raspy and thin. He reeked of cigarettes and stale coffee, though this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. I remained silent as he looked at me, searching my face for something I'm not sure he found.
“Nia, I, I'm not sure how to say this to you.” Here it comes. Almost worse than watching my brother die, the confirmation. “Ray, he’s, well dead.” I saw my father’s eyes begin to tear up again as I stared straight ahead. I couldn’t feel the sobs that racked my body, nor the hot tears streaming from my eyes. I saw my dad start to move closer but sit back down when I flinched. Of course, I knew my brother was dead; I had front row seats to watching the event happen, but somehow I still didn’t believe it until the words left my father’s mouth. According to my dad, who many years later described to me how eery the whole event was, my sobs were completely silent, and I was entirely unaware of everything happening around me. This dissociation lasted the first few days after the accident, and the entirety of my hospital stay. Leaving the blissful gap in my memory I have now.
Barb told me this was my mind’s way of coping with the tragedy and stress of what happened. I was honestly just happy I had an excuse to skip some of the dreadful retelling she forced upon me.
❈
The funeral was of course a depressing and solemn event. I was still yet to speak and found myself thankful for the way people gave up on trying to get me to communicate. I dressed in a black skirt with a black short sleeved button up. A dark coat thrown around my shoulders as the cast on my right hand was too big to fit through the sleeve. I looked terrible, barely a week out of hospital before I watched Ray sink into the ground. The wound on my forehead was still quite nasty, though it looked better than it did before. I tried to cover it up with my hair but was unsuccessful. I got bangs soon after.
The matter was very traditional, taking place in a church even though none of our family was really religious. It was only the second time I'd ever been in a church, the first having been for my cousin Julie’s wedding when I was four years old. I don’t remember anything of it aside from the material of my dress itching at my neck and making me rather miserable. Of course, not nearly as miserable as I was the day of the funeral, sitting in a pew at the front of the church, listening to a priest claiming Ray would’ve wanted us to celebrate his life. I knew this not to be true; Ray was extremely dramatic and would’ve cherished the thought of everyone he’d ever spoken to moping around for weeks after his death, beside themselves with grief. He sometimes referred to himself as “Romeo” after having been broken up with by another girl he was supposedly in love with, stating he better just stab himself in the heart now if he couldn’t have her. On the rare occasion he broke up with a girlfriend, he’d lounge around, eating ice cream, pretending to not be upset and comparing his cold heart to that of Richard VIII. The concept of him being any different over his death was almost comical; Ray was nothing if not predictable.
I sat beside my father, who sat beside my mother (it was an extremely awkward arrangement that neither I nor my father cared for) and seemed to have the idea that I could evaporate if I thought hard enough about it. Unfortunately, I did not evaporate, or even come close to it, instead finding myself exactly where I'd been the whole time. I mostly tuned out the service, only really paying attention when my father and Ray’s best friend, Jake spoke. I managed to escape the duty of having to speak that day thanks to my fragile mental state and mutism. Though I'm sure I would’ve been forced all the same if I had been able to talk in any capacity, regardless of where my head was at.
Faun was sitting in the pew behind me, feeling quite guilty about the whole ordeal. Or friendship dissolved soon after, I think she blamed herself for taking me to the party. It didn’t bother me too much though; we were never the closest and I sometimes thought her to be extremely annoying. An endless stream of shitty boyfriends that she only acquired so she could further repress her sexuality. When we were 14 we kissed at a sleepover and she admitted she was in love with me. I felt bad for not returning the feeling and our relationship had been on rocky territory ever since. I don’t understand how she thought she was in love with me since she barely knew anything about me, but either way she never brought it up again and soon after the monsoon of boytoys had begun.
My brother’s friends and ex-girlfriends also attended the event. I didn’t approach any of them, far too scared they’d blame me for the death of their friend. One of them, Alex, went up to me to say how sorry he was about everything that happened. He was crying quite heavily (I later found out he was the friend Ray had been drinking with and the second last person to see him alive) and I could smell alcohol on his breath. I stood there while he spoke, telling me about how great my brother was as if I was wholly unaware. Body waving side to side as he stood with his hand on the wall beside me. He offered me some bronze liquid in a flask, and I obliged, savouring the burning sensation that followed in my throat. Alex’s voice was steady and deep, reminding me of my father’s. I’m not sure how long we stood there, him spinning a fantastic web of anecdotes and stories about my brother, some entirely new to my ears. We passed the beverage back and fourth until it was empty. My head felt lighter and heavier somehow simultaneously, and I found it much easier to listen to Alex talk. Later he tried to kiss me in my bedroom during the wake. His mouth was sour, and his tongue seemed too big for his mouth. I wondered how he was able to talk so much without it getting in the way.
We moved in procession to the cemetery after the service. The grass was a vibrant green colour, and I didn’t understand how the world kept turning after Ray’s death, for mine stopped the moment his heart failed to beat. The sky was a lovely shade of cyan-blue, with clouds so perfect they seemed animated. Pink carnations were planted near the outskirts of the yard and I could smell spring in the air; a heavy, floral aroma that never failed to comfort me. I thought it should be raining, it felt inappropriate that the weather refused to match my despair. My mind wandered as we approached the empty grave and I considered what it would be like if Ray was here beside me. He’d probably be making jokes, telling me to lighten up for a minute or my face would get stuck that way. He’d mock my silence, saying how I never managed to shut up for a minute before but suddenly I'm as proper as a nun. I'd smile, ruffling his hair to piss him off and try to refrain from laughing aloud. The absence of him only felt stronger as I imagined this scenario, so I shoved it out of my head.
The casket was lowered into the ground, my father was a pallbearer and I often think about how he must’ve felt carrying his son’s body before watching him being buried. My mother sobbed loudly which annoyed me, it felt a bit exaggerated. I had a few tears falling from my eyes but mostly, I just felt numb. Incredibly and absolutely empty inside. To onlookers it may have seemed as though we weren’t very close, my reaction being similar to that of his ex-girlfriends’. However, this didn’t account for the loss of my voice, or the broken state I was in mentally. Maybe it was better that my reaction was rather dulled. It meant people didn’t feel the need to approach me as they did my mother. Less concerned given she was the one playing up her emotions to the point of embarrassment. My father cried, more than I but far less than my mother. He didn’t cry very often – I'd actually only seen it once prior to the whole event – and I figured he probably needed it. At this point I felt as though I'd shed enough tears to last a lifetime so Ray wouldn’t mind if I was a bit subdued in comparison. He never was a crier anyways.
As I sprinkled soil onto his casket I imagined he was right beside me, watching, ready to criticize as usual. The dirt stained my hand, clutching the sweat and turning my skin a muddy brown colour. As I wiped the dirt on my jacket I could hear him nagging about how I better go wash my hands, what was I, a six-year-old? He was in denial about me growing up and took every chance to remind me I was still just a kid. Not that he had much on me, but I enjoyed it. I never was one to shy away from attention; at least not before. Little quirks and inside jokes between us were always some of my favourite things, the type of humour you could only get from living with someone your whole life. No matter how much his memory will fade there are some things I can’t let myself forget. His mocking tone when he’d make fun of me is one of those things. If I ever managed to let go of that sound then I must be dead as well.
The sun beat down on my back, my skin burning in my black clothes. I wasn’t sweating yet, but most of the men around were – suit jackets aren’t exactly known for their breathability. My nose was dry and aching red, sore from how much I'd been wiping it the last couple days. Still the sweet seeping tinge of flowers and spring managed to crawl into my nose, settling underneath my skin, the buzzing from before had returned, I could feel my heartbeat loudly in my throat and had the desperate urge to just run. Instead, I just followed the rest of the party, sitting down in the passenger seat of my dad’s car. The silence that settled over us was uncomfortable and stale. He turned on the radio, Led Zeppelin filled the air around us, thankfully relieving some of the tension. I felt in my left pocket for one of the carnations I’d picked from a nearby grave earlier. The flower had begun to wilt, heat taking effect on its delicate composition. When I got home I put it in between the pages of my oldest copy of Romeo and Juliet. Ray would have found it funny if he was around to see.
The drive to my mother’s house was short and minimally awkward. We sat in silence – aside from the music – only because there was no alternative. My hand remained clutched around the dying flower in my pocket as we left the car and entered the home. Other people had already arrived, clustered in the living room, picking at tiny ham sandwiches and various desserts my mother had undoubtedly stress-baked the day before. I wasn’t hungry so I sat as far away from the food and people as humanely possible while staying in the living room, not wishing to hear my mother’s scolding about how I need to socialize more. Eventually I managed to slip away into my old bedroom, where Alex was sitting on my bed drinking a mickey of Smirnoff I assumed he swiped from my mother’s freezer. He offered it to me, and I accepted, the weird repetitive déjà vu like act, mirroring earlier and making the whole day feel like somewhat of a dream.
When I went over this part with Barb she always felt the need to emphasize that it wasn’t a dream. I knew this, obviously, which I told her every time, but she was inclined to disbelief when it came to my denial over my brother’s death. “Begonia, you must realize he’s gone. Dwelling is helping nobody, especially not you. This isn’t a healthy mindset for you to have. Always comparing living to your dreams. I want you to tell me you understand this isn’t just some dream you can wake up from.” The first time she said that to me I was thrust into a bout of wordlessness, as it struck a bit too close to home. The next time she brought it up I just told her of course, though even now I still cannot say I fully understand. How can I when all of my assumptions have been constantly disproven time and time again. How can I ever say this isn���t a dream when I'm not even sure I'm real? James always tries to reassure me, “Bee, I'm telling you, if you can feel this beat, the pulse in your wrist, your neck, your chest, you are alive,” he’ll say while pressing my hand to my wrist, but we both know it isn’t that simple.
Me and Alex made out for a few minutes until I managed to excuse myself. He was a bad kisser and tasted disgusting. I left him sitting on my old bed while I went downstairs to find my dad. He was sitting at the counter with a can of root beer, blank expression sat upon his face. When his eyes met mine he sighed, grabbing his keys out of his pocket. It was obvious neither of us wanted to be here, for numerous reasons, so we left. And if the radio stayed off as we drove home we didn’t acknowledge the silence that time. In my hand was the crumpled carnation, and for some reason it made my chest hurt. A deep ache of dread. I could feel my heartbeat, hear it over the drum of the car engine, and I crushed the flower further. I was careful not to rip it though, as if that was crossing some kind of invisible line my mind had set for me. My fingers felt waxy when I finally let go.
Back home, I opened the copy of Romeo and Juliet. I retrieved the deteriorating plant from my pocket and placed it in the center. Closing the book, I stacked it under a few dictionaries, a magazine under it so it was trapped on either side. I sat down in front of it and cried. Not the huge gasping sobs my mother seemed to fancy, nor the quiet weeping of my father. No, I cried the tears of a child who just found out their grandparents died, the soft uncomprehending grief that overcame them as they first learned what death really meant. How long forever was. My legs pulled up to my chest, hands loosely hung around knees, unable to clasp together because of my cast. I closed my eyes and I swear I could hear the sound of Ray sighing behind me, but when I opened my eyes I was alone. I went to bed, earlier than I ever had in my life, still believing it was a dream and I'd wake up like Alice after her adventures in Wonderland. But when I awoke, I was met with the slow, oozing perdure of my reality. The one which I could not wake up from, and the one where my brother was dead.
#my writing#writing#original writing#original content#original fiction#creative writing#dark academia#tw death#tw drugs#tw mentions of sex#tw swearing#tw mental illness#tw medication#alo writes
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try hard dick energy: a fairytale
try hard dick energy got his nickname after almost 3 months of me seeing him
he used to be soft dick energy first.
we met through friends, as i usually like it to go.
on a regular thursday, we started chatting and we kind of fit. his music seemed to be a perfect match to my favorites. i listened to his playlist that whole week.
a week later we met at said friends’ home, on the day before a holiday.
my first impression was meh. but than again, it had been over 5 months since i even kissed another guy.
conversation went on, and my thinking was: wow, i can actually be friends with this dude
then we got drunk and he ended up waiting for when my friend went to the bathroom to kiss me. again, a meh kinda kiss. but again, 5 months. it still felt nice, butterflies and all.
i was on my period, maybe day four of it. after my friend went to sleep, we started drunkenly making out and he tried taking my clothes off. i was like no, no way, i have my period. and he said he didn’t mind. i wasnt sure i did.
then, a call that was just the best to get. friend #2 coming home from a date. we chatted on the dining room and i tried keeping her there for as long as i could before she started bobbing her head. to this day, he swears i was making faces at her for her to leave. that’s certainly not how i remember that.
she went to bed, we made out for a while, i took my menstrual cup out and we fucked. and we slept just as we were. i don’t remember much, but i do remember him saying: “was it too fast?” and like a good girl, i said it didnt matter. that’s how he got his soft dick energy nickname as i retold that story on the day after.
oh, the day after. we slept at around 6, and he was out of the apartment as i was still sleeping. my friends and i wanted to go to the beach, but that part of the story doesn’t matter much for this tale. we talked. and talked.
on thursday, two days later, i was headed to my guy best friend’s house bringing my other best friend - #1 from the first story. he picked us up from her place - his place was closest to my guy best friends house, but he did it anyway. we sat, and we got high, and drunk. we made out whenever everybody wasn’t around. i had to teach him that people don’t smoke inside people’s homes without asking - and in the window. duh.
he then left for a weekend away with his friends. it was the first time i missed him, and i spiraled into a weird depression mood from lack of attention. that’s how needy i was. am.
from then on we didn’t see each other for two whole weeks. he traveled, then i traveled, and weekdays were never his thing. we still talked everyday, and kept up with each others lives. we shared stickers, and said we missed each other. just the weird 16 year-old romance i yearned for.
we met again three weeks later. he really wanted to go to my girl best friend’s house, but she didn’t really want him there. we went for a beer on the beach - which turned into 6 really quick. by 10 pm, he forced his way into my girlfriends’ house, even though she didnt want him there. we made out a bit, and he left. i was so in love.
then the chat continued slower than before. carnaval went by, he didn’t want to join us for it. i moved, he didn’t want to come by. we seemed to chat, but it always revolved around him. he took up 3 weeks of my therapy sessions, but i kept chatting. it was good. it filled up my neediness - and my time. it was like a long distance relationship. weekends were lonely and kind of sad. my luck is that bracco was in rio, and i was getting to know noemi. they kept me busy.
he moved into a new apartment. it was around his birthday. i think it 15 days that we didnt see each other, but it felt like a month. that day it was all SO clear to me.
you invited me over to your place. i hadnt seen you in forever, but you said i shouldnt bring anything. i drank a beer on my way there, out of nervousness. i also brought you m&ms. your roommate was wearing a bra in the living room. she was nice, we drank beer, smoked, and chatted. it felt weird. and then, she came up with the whole depressed comment.
let me explain: we were talking about her sabbatical, she wanted to go away for a year once she was 27. i was sharing resources and a bit of my miami experience. she then said: “oh, miami. thats where you got depression”. as if depression was something you catch. as if i told her about it. as if you told her about it and she felt we had a relationship where she could just bring that up?! not sure. i was weirded out for the rest of the night. at some point, you brought me into your room and kissed me. i couldnt really get into it. you said: “we dont have to do anything”, but you kept kissing and groping me. it’s not like you backed off and said: “whats going on?”
so i caved, and we fucked. and it was mechanical. and short. and plain out boring. i left 20 minutes after, and you seemed to be happy i did.
my brain was a mix of feelings. i was in love, but then everything about that night was so fucking weird. being with you felt weird. the next day, you were weird too... i tried calling, but you called me back right when it was bbb time.
and i was talking to noemi in the balcony, and it was a whole thing about not being available for people who dont show themselves available. we didnt talk again until saturday, and i decided to cut you off for good. i unfollowed you on social, unfollowed myself from your page, deleted your number. it wasnt until wednesday that you realized and reached out.
you were all: we havent talked to each other in a week, and im also to blame for that... and so i told you i was upset about more than one thing that happened on wednesday, you exposed me to your roommate and i felt invaded. so i decided to pull myself away from this relationship. you apologized, but took no responsability for the rest of non caring. and thats what i wanted. so i cut you off.
it was two weeks, and two therapy sessions in which my therapist said i should have talked to you before cutting you off. and turning you off was good: i started focusing on shit that mattered to me.
but then i rethought it all. and i said, maybe we should have a grown up conversation. so i followed you, and opened up the conversation again. you said you were happy - you never thought you’d hear from me again.
but you did. and i told you i was open for talking, and for getting things back as they were. you said you were too, but then you disappeared for two other weeks.
and i felt done. over it. truly with no intent to see it moving. conversation was off and on. until last week it took on again. and we chatted for two days before you suggested a visit to my place. i was okay with it, cause then again, quarantine neediness is always present. and - for the first time ever - you were here on friday. you brought wine and condensed milk.
we chatted for two hours and it was boring as fuck. i hoped my roomies would join us. they did. and so did our friends. we drank and smoked and talked until 2, once again. but you decided to stay over, they went home, and it was just the two of us.
i wanted to sleep. everything felt so fucking awkward. i pretended to fall asleep while you cuddled me. so fucking odd. i just wanted to me alone and starfish my bed while hovering all my pillows. and then you noticed i wasn’t up for sex, or making out for that matter.
you asked: are you still upset over my roommate?
i said no. why would i be? we talked it over and it’s over. do you want to talk about this still?
you said no. but you still felt something wrong.
and i said, yes. something is wrong. sex has never been good with you. i need you to have something we call pegada.
and you made an excuse once or twice. but somehow we hooked up again and you had pegada.
we fucked, and it was good, for once. better than “huh, i guess i had sex”
i fell asleep, feeling it was so weird to have you here.
i woke up to my alarm, got ready, and you wouldnt budge. i said i had to go, and you said you wanted to sleep in. i said i would be back in an hour, and i went to work.
you texted at work. you used my computer and god knows what you digged up off it.
and then i came back, we had breakfast, and you didnt want to leave. we cuddled and watched a show. you tried kissing me but position was all weird. yet, it was good having you around.
you had a whole 2 hour meeting in my bedroom, in my computer. shivers. the whole time i was telling my roommate: the affection is nice, but oh no, im done.
and after your meeting we fucked gooood good. you got a promotion on your soft dick title. and fuck, i fell into it as well.
you left right after, as if you knew you got me hooked again. and again, chatting daily, you dont feel there. but we made plans for saturday.
mafe, mafe. why again. this boy definetly doesnt want you the same way you want him. yet you;re still there, as available as ever... i thought writing this might give me clarity. nope.
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Lemme tell you about the time I got introduced to a girls boyfriend as her baby daddy:
So, my younger brother (19) is adopted and his biological family is extremely close to this other family that used to live down the street. My brother grew up with the daughter(18), and they were/are best friends to the point of being more like siblings. Due to my brother only coming into my life just over 2 years ago, I hadnt met this friend yet. (Imma call her T)
Well, last summer my bother graduated highschool and his biological family threw him a party. T was there. She came late cause her family had moved out of state and it was quite a drive. So i had been hanging at the party for a long time when she showed up.
And lemme tell yall: this girl is gorgeous. I was genuinely confused as to how this (i assumed) 20something year old was so close and playful with my brother. Like, i expected her to be stuck up based on how she was dressed and looked. But she took her heels off the moment she arrived and cracked a joke about something, and 10 seconds into seeing her, i knew she was cool.
She and i wound up sitting pretty close to each other at the table, and we immediately connected and started mutually busting on my brother together. Oh i should mention that i was like 1 month on t at that point, but my voice had already dropped considerably. I was dressed very nicely tho.
By the end of the party, she and i were getting along great, and i think my brother hated us both just slightly. So, i had another graduation party i had to go to, and so I left about the time my brother, T, and a couple of his other friends were ditching his party to go get ice cream. We all walked out together. I think i gave him and T and the others hugs before I left (damn, remember back when we could do that? I miss that) and so while I was curious about T, I was driving for the next couple hours and didnt get to text my brother until that evening.
Welp.... So this is the fun part.
When my brother got in the car with his friends, they apparently all were talking about how hot i was. He mentioned that i was trans like him, and they all were like "couldn't tell." "He's hot either way" and stuff like that. WELL, T up and just goes "I'd fuck him."
Let's just say my brother was equal parts angry and amused and annoyed and entertained. So he tells me everything, so he texted me everything, and I subsequently had a mild stroke because I had never had someone speak so bluntly about attraction towards me before. Also my grey/asexual ass has no idea what to do with sexually bold comments.
So i then ask my brother who she is and how he knew her and such. I come to find out she had yet to turn 18, so once i got over my shock, I obviously was like 'this is amusing and I'm flattered, but i aint about to touch this cause I am not about to be accused of with flirting with a minor." However, I think i just texted him "NOPE. I dont mess with minors." Or something like that. Either way, i thought we were done.
I WAS OBVIOUSLY WRONG
so... I was the 20 year old who was not about to hit on or flirt with T. T, on the other hand, had ZERO problems with drooling over me. (I say drooling not to boost my ego, but because thats almost literally exactly what she did)
My brother realized immediately how much fun he could have with torturing T by using me. So, he just started snapchatting her everytime we hung out. This semi backfired on him tho because she would then immediately facetime him and tell him to give the phone to me. The conversation that usually went down was something like "can i have him?" "No." "But i want him." "No, T. You cant have him." "Let me see him." "No." "Lemme see himmmmmmm." And then the phone would be handed to me and i would sit there half awkwardly half amusedly smiling and saying hello as she just stared at me and gave me a very soft "haaaiii bennnn, how are you?" And then proceeded to compliment me to the point where i would just blush and then hand the phone to my brother when i didnt know what to do.
This went on for....months. She turned 18 at some point, but I wasnt trying to flirt back with her, i only made note of it because I was extremely relieved to at least know that the person hitting on my was legal. And i will say, she would say some very bold things to both my face, but even moreso to my brother. I think partly to piss him off, definitely cause she was dead serious about it, but also because I think he kinda picked up on the fact that i didnt know how to handle her saying those things to me. So...my brother regularly was shouting at her to shut up and that he didnt want to know those things, or that she was talking about his brother.
So eventually she went off to college, and she met a guy there (24ish) and they got together. He's very attractive, obviously relatively older than both her and i, and i was happy she found someone. ...I was also extremely relieved and therefore foolishly thought that that would be the end of it.
Oh how I was wrong.
So, due to quarantine, i hadnt seen my brother for a long ass time. He was with his bio family, and we just facetimed to stay in touch. However, he came over on Saturday and we just out in the yard.
WELL THIS ASSHOLE SENDS A SNAPCHAT TO T UNBEKNOWNST TO ME.
AND SO SHE CALLS. AND SAYS "lemme see my baby daddy'
i obviously was extremely flustered and concerned, so i was like asking her how she was, and how was school, and of course shes making comments about how handsome i am..and such. so im trying to not have to reply to those cause in my head im still dong the math that she has a boyfriend of a considerable amount of months, and so then i ask her about him, and how long theyve been together and so on.
Well,
SHE'S LIKE "oh, he's actually here:) you wanna meet him?"
When i tell y'all I started panicking. When I tell y'all ive never been so confused and concerned... I gave my brother a wide eyed look of shock and fear.
This woman. This absolutely bold and unconcerned woman walks into the other room, and goes "hey hun, you wanna meet my baby daddy?"
WHEN I TELL YALL I STARED AT MY BROTHER IN FEAR AND THEN ABSOLUTELY STUTTERED AND BLUSHED MY WAY THROUGH SAYING HELLO TO THIS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL AND SOFT AMAZING MAN, Damn. This guy seems amazing, cause he just grinned and warmly went along with her and we said hello and such, and then i basically threw the phone at my brother and sat there in extremely concerned bemusment for the next 30 minutes
So yeah, that's it. I have no idea as to the inner workings of this woman's mind, but it shortens years off of this disaster bisexual's life. I am never prepared for her when she calls.
I hope yall enjoyed. I havent told a disaster bi story for awhile, and so I figured id share this one cause it greatly and equally amuses And stresses me out. I hope to typos arent too bad cause I'm half asleep✌
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