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#have fun with your hyper left friend group of 5 who agree on everything and god forbid one guy doesnt

kookingtae · 4 years

Text

falling into you (pt. 7)

pt. 1 | pt. 2 | pt. 3 | pt. 4 | pt. 5 | pt 6

→scenario: Jungkook’s innocence is like a breath of fresh air in your wild life, and though you know you’re toxic for him, you just can’t seem to stay away.

→genre: college au, slow burn, mutual pining, shy/nerd jk + bad girl oc (mature themes)

→word count: 21k+

→tw: mentions of child abuse and neglect/abandonment, abuse of drugs/alcohol

→a/n: NOT COMPLETED YET

You felt like you were going to suffocate the moment you stepped into Jungkook’s room.

The memories came rushing back to you like a tsunami, waves and waves of so many different emotions crashing over you and threatening to crush your windpipes only after strangling you whole. You didn’t know what was so difficult; you’d been in Jungkook’s room multiple times before, hadn’t you? You were fine then (if the storm of emotions in your chest and butterflies in your stomach could be considered fine). What made it so different now?

But the moment Jungkook turned to you, the soft exhale falling from his faintly parted lips causing you to become hyper aware of the rhythm of his breathing surrounded by perfectly pink lips, you understood.

It was hard for you to grasp the concept of actually being nervous, giddy after your first real kiss with someone. A kiss had always been just that to you: a kiss. They were all the same.

“I uh–“ Jungkook cleared his throat, and if you didn’t know better you’d say he was feeling the same way you were. “We can sit at the desk to study. I’ll take my roommate’s chair; he’s never here anyways.”

You raised a skeptical brow at him, the faintest hint of amusement on your lips as if to say, really. “He’s never here?”

A fiery blush instantly inflamed his cheeks. “Y-you just have bad timing is all.”

The fact that he considered his roommate interrupting your kiss bad timing made your heart speed up way more than you’d like to admit.

“Well let’s hope timing is on my side today,” you managed to say with the practiced ease of coy confidence despite being the most nervous you’ve ever been around a guy, sauntering past him and taking a seat in his desk chair.

Jungkook stayed frozen for a moment before eventually pulling up Trip’s chair a safe yet manageable distance from you, and you were surprised by the normalcy of the situation as you started actually studying.

Things were a little slow at first, what with Jungkook’s timid nature of stumbling over his words and you not knowing a single thing about the class you’ve supposedly been in for an entire semester. But after a while, things began to go smoothly. You found a chapter that aligned with the notes you printed off, and Jungkook was in his element.

It surprised you how smart he was. You always knew he would be, what with the classes he’s taking and how much he prioritizes studying. But getting to see him in action, that was the real catalyst of the evening. You found yourself getting lost in the motion of his fingers over the pages, the movement of his lips as he spewed knowledge of advanced cell division. And when it came time for you to answer a question, Jungkook blinked at you expectantly while your eyes stayed glazed over in the daze of your reverie.

“Uh...” Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks heating up under the scrutiny of your stare. “Y/N?”

That certainly got your attention; a sound you weren’t accustomed to hearing fell from his lips in the form of your name, and within seconds you were snapping out of it and looking at him in surprise while desperately trying to ignore the somersaults in your stomach. “Yes?”

“We were talking about which phase this nuclear subdivision occurs?”

You blinked at him. “Phase... one?”

“S-phase.”

“What?”

“We’re analyzing the nuclear subdivision of S-phase,” he sighed, putting his pen down and turning to face you. “You’re not listening to any of this, are you?”

“I am, I really am,” you frowned, the idea of him thinking you weren’t appreciative of his efforts breaking your heart. “I mean... I’m honestly trying to. The truth is,” your shoulders deflated with a sigh, “it’s kind of hard to focus with you, Jungkook.”

His brows shot up at that. “W-with me? What am I doing wrong?”

“Nothing!” You hurried to reassure him. “You’re perfect. I-I mean—this, this is perfect.” You gestured around the desk, your cheeks aflame. “It’s just... I...” another sigh left your lips; the innocent concern in his doe eyes was heart wrenching. “I’m sorry. I just need to take this more seriously. We can continue.”

And so you did. Jungkook wasn’t the type to question your words, so thankfully you didn’t have to explain your flustered stutters. And no matter how strong the magnetic pull that he had over you was, the song of the sirens drawing you closer and closer until the thought of kissing him was burning in your brain like an iron brand, you somehow managed to have control over yourself and hold back. You wanted to be respectful, to gain Jungkook’s trust so that he didn’t think you were just using him to get laid rather than actually wanting his help, because that couldn’t be further from the truth.

And so you studied and studied and studied until the little clock at Jungkook’s bedside read 11:00 at night and the boy next to you let out a yawn.

You, on the other hand, felt delirious—exhausted from the mental overload yet wired from the boy’s presence, like a coffee addict after pulling an all nighter. You pressed your forehead to the textbook; the pages were cool against your heated skin.

“I s-should probably get to sleep,” Jungkook mumbled—the boy who could confidently spew scientific data all day long but had trouble saying goodbye. “Early class is tomorrow.”

“Right.” You tried to mask the disappointment in your voice; the last thing you wanted to do was make him feel bad for wanting to sleep. You wanted him to sleep. He worked too damn much. “I should probably get going too. Another word about cells and my brain will physically implode.”

Jungkook chuckled—a soft, rare sound that had your heart leaping in your throat. You wanted nothing more than to stay with him—no amount of time ever seemed long enough—but you really didn’t know how much more studying you could take. You were lost in thought staring at the way his perfectly pink lips moved a majority of the time anyway. The sight made your body heat up—specifically your cheeks and groin.

You didn’t like the feeling of blushing. It was something you weren’t accustomed to, something that didn’t usually happen. You never really got embarrassed about anything, and the idea of blushing around a boy was completely nonexistent in your life. But with Jungkook, everything’s changed... your entire world had been flipped upside down. Nothing was as you knew it before.

You didn’t like the feeling of not being in control of your own emotions like this. It was completely different than letting loose with drugs or alcohol; you were choosing to alter your state of mind with those substances. But to be completely at the mercy of someone else... it was foreign. If it had been anyone else, you would’ve ended things immediately.

But this was Jungkook. And no matter how scary these changes were, he made you want to change. For him.

***

After saying your goodbyes to Jungkook that night, the two of you agreed to meet whenever you both were free. He needed to find time for the ample amount of studying of his own that he did, of course, and you had no problem canceling plans for a frat party or smoke session with friends to go see him.

Your friends didn’t seem to share the same sentiment, however.

“We never see you anymore,” Taehyung frowned one day when you turned down a visit to the local bar off campus in favor of meeting Jungkook after class—to see if he wanted to study, of course.

“Tae, I live with you.”

“I mean we, as a group,” he whined, completely unfazed. “You spend all your time at Jungkook’s beck and call now.”

You merely scoffed. “Okay, that’s not true, first of all. I spend literally every waking moment with you guys because I don’t own a car. And second of all, that’s only because his ‘beck and call’ is fucking rare! It’s not like it happens all the time!”

“Hey.” A deep voice suddenly cut in to quell the conversation, and when you turned your head Yoongi was taking a joint from between his lips. You watched as he inhaled again before slowly letting the smoke escape and dissipate into the chilled night air.

There was a moment’s silence before: “I think what Tae’s trying to say is that it just feels like you’ve changed,” Suzy chimed in without prompt. “Not your personality or anything, obviously, but just like... you don’t really participate anymore.”

As if on cue Namjoon passed you a blunt, and you started to bring it to your lips out of habit before suddenly realizing what you were doing and quickly passing it to Jimin. Your expression turned sheepish as you directed your attention to Suzy.

“That’s not fair,” you grumbled. They knew how you felt about him. They knew how much you had been pining after him since the moment you met, and they knew how closed off Jungkook was. Couldn’t they just be happy for you that you were finally making progress? “You make it seem like I don’t have fun anymore. The only thing I’ve given up is smoking—only when I’m seeing him after—and sleeping around!”

Your friends paused at your words, and you didn’t think you were imagining the literal cricket sounds in the background of the silent forest.

“You’ve given up sex?” Lynn was the first to speak.

“You guys make it sound as if it was a conscious decision,” you chuckled awkwardly in an attempt to lighten the mood. “I just wanna focus on him for a while, okay?”

“Yeah but...” Hoseok trailed off before glancing at your friends.

“Honey, I think what we‘re trying to say is we don’t know... how long he’s going to take to put out.” Kate interjected in a gentle tone. “You could be waiting a while, and there’s nothing wrong with fulfilling the need while you wait. You two aren’t dating yet, right?”

“But that’s just it: I don’t have the desire right now,” you shrugged. A part of you really wished you hadn’t given up a hit of that blunt. You could use it right about now. “Not with anyone but him, at least. Our connection, guys...” you trailed off with a shake of your head in disbelief and bit your bottom lip. How did you even begin to describe the visceral, intangible connection you had whenever the two of you were around each other? The literal fucking spark of electricity when you merely touched? “And besides, I’m fine waiting; I’m not a fucking addict.”

“We’re just trying to look out for you,” Suzy smiled softly. “We don’t wanna see you choose to do something you’ll regret later.”

“It’s just new to us,” Jimin chimed in. “We’re used to seeing this carefree, wild and crazy side of you. I never even knew you had the capacity to retain this many emotions.”

“Okay, fuck you,” you snorted, and the rest of them joined in on the laughter. It wasn’t until you checked your phone moments later that you jumped up from your seat on the picnic bench. “Shit, Jungkook should be getting out of class now. I’m gonna go see if he wants study.”

Tae teasingly made a whipping motion with his hand along with the sound, and you rolled your eyes in amusement before heading down the familiar path through the woods that led out on the other side of the science building.

While heading in the direction of the arts building that Jungkook would be leaving at any second now, you couldn’t help but think about how this moment paralleled the first time you ever met him. You had just smoked in stoner’s trail before waltzing through the campus like some fucking contemporary dancer, music in your head and high out of your mind before the senses were knocked right out of you—figuratively and literally—when you accidentally bumped into the freshman boy. You had been walking the same exact route you were walking now, and yet the mindsets you were in couldn’t be more different. Not just because you had been under the influence, but just in general—the way you viewed things, your current choice of lifestyle. You still held the same morals, don’t get you wrong; no one could ever change the core beliefs of who you were. But before, there wasn’t anything more to life than living in the present, than partying and being free.

It was funny how while trying to be the epitome of free, you had unknowingly put yourself in a cage, unable to break away from the social construct of the cycle you’d put yourself in since your own freshman year.

Well, to hell with constructs. To hell with rules of sleeping with people and never letting your armor crack. It felt so nice to finally want to share that part of yourself with someone—the part you’d kept hidden for so long, the part you’d wanted to keep buried from even yourself.

You always thought Jungkook’s way of living was so different from yours—that he was timid and distant while you were outgoing and confident—but it turned out Jungkook just didn’t bullshit his way through life. He didn’t put on a mask and pretend to be someone he’s not; he wasn’t afraid of being alone. And while the outward projections of your personality weren’t fake—you were still unapologetically yourself, through and through—it still kept hidden the deeper, darker aspects you didn’t want anyone to see. There still hasn’t been a single person in your life that you’ve opened up to about your past. And maybe, that meant you were more alone than you thought.

But there was something about this boy that was different—not how he acted, but how he made you feel. You wanted to open up to Jungkook, as scary as that was. And you weren’t going to let the cage of fear keep you trapped from doing so.

Easier said than done, you thought as you approached the arts building and broke out into a prickling sweat when you saw the magnificent boy standing there, under the streetlamp, waiting for you.

Your footing stuttered, stunned. He was waiting for you. You realized with a fluttering heart just how much times had actually changed.

When he saw you approach, his eyes resembled his usual deer-in-headlights expression upon making eye contact before he turned to face you fully. You could’ve sworn the corners of his mouth turned up to just barely form the beginnings of a smile, but your eyes must’ve been playing tricks on you. He’s never been happy to see you, ever.

“Hi,” you spoke on exhale in a breathless tone once you slowed to a stop in front of him, hair windswept behind you after the brisk walk you’d taken to get here in time and cheeks tinged pink from the cold as you beamed up at him; the expression came natural, as if your teeth couldn’t help but bare themselves in his presence.

“Hi,” he replied, his features mirroring your own. You melted at the sight of his shy smile. “I uh– I got your text.”

“You want to study?” You raised your brows at the suggestion, then before your big mouth could shut up its rambling: “Well, me studying—you tutoring, I guess...” you trailed off with a chuckle, mentally berating yourself.

Jungkook nibbled on his bottom lip, an action that always drew your close attention in longing before he finally nodded. “Yeah.”

The trek to his dorm was thankfully not a long one as the temperatures seemed to be dropping by the millisecond this time of night. You welcomed the familiar silence by Jungkook’s side and tugged your jacket closed tighter across your chest, and you weren’t sure if it was just your imagination or wishful thinking but it seemed that the two of you would drift closer to one another as you walked.

There was thankfully no roommate again in Jungkook’s dorm when the two of you entered; it could be a hit or miss these days, what with the way he kept barging in on you two at the worst of times.

You sat your backpack down on his desk—Tae gave you one of his old ones once you admitted that you never actually owned one—and the two of you set to work on shoving so much nuclear subdivision down your throat that you almost wished for death.

“Death would be a kindness, actually,” you sat up with a groan and rubbed your temples, “compared to dealing with this shit.”

“Well, technically, you deal with it everyday,” Jungkook threw in matter-of-factly, and when you shot him a look behind lids low with a mixture of exhaustion and boredom, he trailed off with a nervous chuckle. “‘Cause, you know... with... cells.”

“Can we please take a break?” You sighed before crossing your legs beneath you and turning to face him. “My brain needs time to process everything.”

“I thought you said you wanted to study tonight?”

“I did—I do, just...” you frowned, not wanting to seem unappreciative of his efforts. Haven’t you been studying for the past two hours? Just how hard did this boy go when it came to cramming? “Can’t we play a quick game or something? Just to take our minds off of it for a bit.”

Jungkook had his eyes widened, and it was impossible not to shift under his scrutiny when you would normally be calm and collected. “A g-game?”

“Yeah, it could be anything!” You put a hand to your forehead with your elbow resting on the desk, eyes desperately scanning his room as you tried to think of something. “It could be as simple as a staring contest for all I care. A staring contest!” You raised your brows at the sudden idea, grasping at straws. “If I win we get to take a real break, and if you win we can go back to studying.”

Jungkook blinked at you, his lips slightly agape as he seemed to process your words. After a couple moments of fidgeting, he finally replied, “uh... okay.”

You grinned at his agreement to your antics and started getting situated in your seat. He followed suit shortly after, wiping his palms on the sides of his pants and adjusting his posture.

“Ready?” You asked, amusement dancing on your lips.

He took a deep breath before nodding, and it was when you said go! that his eyes fixed you with the most intense stare you’ve ever witnessed in your life.

Instantly your entire body stiffened; the reaction was visceral, and the icy hot heat in your veins felt like hell frozen over as you resisted the sudden urge to choke on your hitched breath and call time out.

Never had you been subjected to his prolonged gaze before—the exact opposite, actually. You vividly remember when you used to fight to get him to make eye contact with you, so to say the contrast was making your head whirl would be putting it lightly. It also gave you the first chance to study the swirling pools of brown that were his eyes, so you were going to do just that.

You never noticed just how complex his eyes really were; they held a terrifying amount of depth to them. Don’t get you wrong, they were one of your favorite things about him—just the thought of the big orbs was enough to turn your insides to mush—but never had you been bestowed the privilege of staring into them so unabashedly, so unapologetically and freely as you were now. And by god, were they beautiful.

You watched as a shade of pink sprouted on the apples of his cheeks, first in soft rosy hues and then in bright crimson as it made a trail all the way to the tips of his ears. You bit your lip to keep from smiling at the endearing sight, if only to save your lids from the instinctive blink that was currently eating away at you, and it was when his gaze followed the action that his cheeks really became aflame.

Eventually he cleared his throat and readjusted himself, his competitive nature seemingly starting to shine through, and that was when the intensity of his gaze burned through the distance between you like fire. It scorched your skin until the small dorm room started to feel like an oven and your breath was stifled in the heat that boiled between you. Your breathing turned shallow; it felt like you were drowning in his gaze the longer he held you captive with his eyes without any means of returning to the surface for that redeeming gasp of air. Your body began to prickle with a darker, deeper sensation—first in the palms of your hands, then to the depths of your core.

You gulped. Your mouth was suddenly drier than the Sahara desert, though water was the last thing on your mind as you watched his tongue slip out to quickly wet his lips before returning to the caverns of his mouth again, and that was when you held back an audible groan.

It‘s as if the universe was taunting you.

A replay of your stolen kiss in this bedroom many nights ago appeared in your head, and you physically pressed your thighs together to keep from doing something rash. You still wanted to respect his boundaries, still wanted him to take you and your reason for being here seriously. Yet the memory continued to fester in your mind like an open wound, coming further and further to the forefront of your brain, and you shifted in your seat while forcing the feeling down to try to steady your erratically beating heart.

You had never experienced anything like this before. Sure, you were more than used to gazing into someone’s intense eyes in much more intimate settings than this—when they were over you, under you, inside you. But for some reason, those instances had no where near the same effect that Jungkook’s gaze had on you in a mere staring contest. What were you, in grade school?

It was embarrassing is what it was; you didn’t get flustered. It just didn’t happen to you. You were always able to keep your cool, to hold yourself together while the other person was usually the one melting in the palm of your hand. That was what you were accustomed to, and so this foreign concept of blushing and thinking about nothing but how badly you wanted to feel someone’s lips was completely new to you.

And so after a beat of tension, you decided to throw all caution to the wind and succumb to it.

•••

Jungkook felt like he was being burned alive.

Having to remain still, unmoving and scrutinized under Y/N’s gaze sounded like a nightmare when she’d first suggested it. He actively tried to avoid eye contact with her, lest he burst into flames right there on the spot, and now she wanted him to be forced to stare at her? Without any means of escaping?

He couldn’t think of anything more terrifying.

He felt vulnerable. There was something so intimate about eye contact—how no one could mutter a sound, and yet right now the entire room seemed to constrict against the flood of unspoken words that drowned the air around them. The eyes were the windows to the soul, they’d say, and Jungkook felt he may as well be carving his out and handing it to her on a silver platter what with the way her gaze formed unstoppable electricity between them. It made him nervous, to have her so close to him in this intangible way, and the thought had him squirming in his chair with an instinctive need to put up his walls.

Though he was sure that not even closing his eyes would grant him solace now, because she had now worked her way into every fiber of his being through the glistening mirrors of her eyes and planted a seed of strange emotion inside of him that felt so deep, so primal that it had grown monstrous in just the short amount of time they’d been playing this self-sabotaging game.

Instantly he could feel his cheeks aflame; they felt white hot against the rest of his burning skin, though the sensation didn’t show any signs of stopping when she suddenly started to lean forward.

Her movements were slow, subtle, as if his body was a magnet physically pulling her to him, yet she had to be aware of what she was doing. He wouldn’t even have noticed had he not been paying such close attention to her as he always was. And even though he wanted nothing more than to lean forward as well and close the remaining distance between them, a thought he’d had on his mind since that fateful night in his dorm room, he suddenly panicked, and—

“I-I blinked,” he suddenly stumbled out through shaking lips before turning away, his eyes closing to ease the sting after holding them open for so long. “Looks like you won.”

He couldn’t do it. Jungkook was competitive by nature, so normally he wouldn’t have thrown the challenge so willingly, but he didn’t know what else to do. Not when she was staring at him so sinfully and moving so close he could practically feel the breath from her lips on his, and suddenly every nervous bone in his body was taking over and his fight or flight kicked in. And he fled every time.

He would kick himself for this—for pushing away the opportunity to kiss her again. He knew he would, as he could already feel the inklings of regret creeping in and rearing its ugly head within his gut like the head of a serpent. Fear would be his demise.

Though Y/N must’ve been able to see this on his face as well, because there was sudden slight shake of her head as if to say fuck it before she grabbed the tip of his chin between her thumb and index finger and gently brought his lips to hers.

•••

You could hear his breath catch in his throat the moment your lips finally touched his, could feel his sweet exhale as it danced on your skin. You were aware that all of these reactions were happening, and yet they sent your insides into a tumultuous frenzy anyways.

Nirvana. That’s what kissing Jungkook felt like—as if you had finally reached your destination of enlightenment and could finally experience true happiness. It was such a sweet, sweet relief after pining over the sensation for so long, though you couldn’t be further from inner peace; every nerve in your body was instantly electrocuted with pure white heat, every hair on your arm standing tall from the elicited goosebumps. And there was a sharp pleasure that snapped at the base of your neck, shooting all the way down your spine and churning your stomach like a raging storm on a restless sea before making home in the pit of your core.

Your memory hadn’t done his lips justice. How was it possible that it felt even better than you imagined? You’d done nothing but play your kiss on repeat in the highest regard of your mind since the moment it ended, yet it was no where near the same as being here in this moment with him against you. This was it. Kissing him were the best moments of your life thus far.

And though the stiffness of Jungkook’s body only turned rigid with shock at the feeling of your sudden actions, he was no where near as distraught as when you’d kissed him the past two times (once, not even returning to brief peck and another, taking what seemed like an eternity to finally come to). No, it was this time that he finally seemed to be warming up to you as it took him only a few moments to reciprocate your kiss, and your heart was singing in your chest when he did.

You knew it had to be the result of your efforts. Thanks to your tutoring sessions, he had become more comfortable and at ease with your presence over time. You were slowly worming your way past the tall barriers of his guarded heart. At least, that’s what you liked to think. That’s what you hoped.

And so you didn’t waste any time kissing him like you’ve been wanting—needing to ever since your lips last left his. Every emotion, every desire that you never even knew you could feel were brought to life inside the caverns of your heart, igniting like the flickering flame of a candle and bursting into a forest fire that left a blazing trail in the wake of his touch. You always thought romance novels were bullshit until you realized that the literal fireworks that would burst behind them when they kissed were metaphors for the figurative fireworks that you now felt exploding within you in a pinwheel of colors that matched his eyes. You were consumed by him, and god, did you want to be consumed by him.

The heated escalation that the two of you were robbed of last time was not missed tonight; you carefully brought your hand to his neck again, so not to scare him off with something new, and it was then that Jungkook’s hand gently settled on top of yours. You paused, worried that he would remove your hand—was this too much? But when you felt his fingers suddenly curl into yours to anchor your hold to him, fire erupting from his initiated contact as he leaned into your touch, all hell broke loose.

You felt like an addict, the way you craved him over the air you breathed. Instead it was his scent you were taking into your lungs, his touch that was like an overdose of morphine straight to the blood stream. And when it seemed promising that his front door would stay shut this time, no signs of his interrupting roommate in sight, there was nothing stopping the two of you from breaking past the barriers previously set and finally letting go.

Your hand slid from his neck to his shoulder and it was like your body had a mind of its own, some deeper instinct that you had no control over taking the reins as you closed the small gap between you and moved to situate yourself on his chair, in his lap, a primal need taking over to be as close to him as possible and feel every–

Your second knee didn’t make it onto his chair before he was suddenly shooting upright to stand on his feet, the sudden loss of his lips feeling like a splash of cold water striking you awake from your deeply charged daze. You barely even noticed how you almost landed on your ass as you stumbled back unceremoniously from his departure, for all you could do was stare up at him with wide eyes.

“J-Jungkook, I’m—I’m so sorry, I–I didn’t–“

“N-no, i-it’s okay.” His voice was hoarse, strained before he cleared his throat. He nervously rubbed the back of his neck, and he was more flustered than you had ever seen him. “I—I think you should probably leave.”

“Jungkook–“

“Now,” he gulped heavily, a pained and almost panicked expression on his face that he seemed to be fighting. “I’m sorry, I’m j-just... I’ve never–“

“Hey, it’s okay,” you swallowed, fighting to keep the pain from your face as you reached forward to place a comforting hand on his shoulder before second guessing yourself and letting it fall back to your side. You offered a soft, understanding smile instead. “I’m sorry, I—I don’t know what came over me. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“No, it’s okay,” Jungkook winced—about what, you didn’t know. “I just uh– I-I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” you nodded your head, forcing an optimistic expression despite the growing lump in your throat. “Yeah I’ll uh– I’ll see you later.”

The swell of emotion swarming in your chest threatened to overflow and you knew you had to get out of there, fast. You couldn’t let Jungkook see the buried feelings beneath your cracking armor of false-confidence—not even after all the progress of self-vulnerability you’d made.

It was the first time you couldn’t leave Jungkook’s dorm soon enough.

Your face crumbled as soon as the door shut behind you. How could you let that happen? You had such a good feeling about the two of you—that he was actually beginning to trust you and let you in—and then you had to go and ruin it. Jungkook would see you as nothing more than promiscuous, think you just wanted to get in his pants, which was exactly what you‘d been afraid of. You knew he’d heard the rumors about you in the past, but you figured if you just continued in your earnest pursuit that he would finally see that you valued him as more, so much more than that.

And all that led to was you getting thrown out after pushing things too far past his comfort zone.

You tried to steady your chest that heaved erratically beneath the weight of promised tears. If Jungkook didn’t hate you before, he definitely did now.

•••

“Ah!”

Jungkook’s grunt was loud with unabashed pleasure as he came in his hand, letting the abundant load wash down the drain and thanking god for the millionth time that he had a scarce roommate. He knew even the heavy water pressure pummeling the shower floor wasn’t enough to mask his sounds; he could normally contain himself under quiet control, but tonight his body had other plans for him. No, he forfeited all control over his body the second he popped a rock solid boner that Y/N was definitely going to feel had she continued her line of pursuit to his lap.

It had been painful, throbbing under the constraint of his jeans, and he knew no matter what that he had to get Y/N out of his dorm before the fear of blowing his load right then and there strangled him whole. It tore him apart to see the look of confusion, the look of hurt in her eyes as she tried to make sense of the whiplash that his sudden objection put them through, but what else could he do? This was further than he ever dreamed of going with her—mentally, emotionally, and physically. To say he was overwhelmed would be putting it lightly.

This time he came more than ever before. He knew it had to be a result of the very real physical intimacy that was happening rather than just a figment of his creative imagination; and the sad part was, nothing had even happened—at least by her standards, he was sure. They had been making out, the experience even more mind-altering than the first if that was even possible, and Jungkook had popped a boner over the mere feeling of her lips, same as before. The only difference this time was that Trip had not been there to interrupt their heated moment, and so Y/N progressed as one usually would in that situation. He couldn’t fault her for it—not when he so desperately wanted the same things. He wanted to feel her as close to him as possible, as scary as that was to admit now that it was so real, so tangible and obtainable. He couldn’t believe it was really happening, and he became so wrapped up in his emotions of the moment that when her first knee made home on the edge of his chair, just outside the thigh of his that was closest to her, he couldn’t stop. All he knew was Y/N, Y/N, Y/N. But when he felt her second knee moving with the intention to straddle his lap, to be as physically close to him as he’d ever let her—as he’d ever let anyone—that’s when he felt his erect member twitch in reminder of just how excited he was in that moment.

He panicked. The thought of her feeling something so intimate in him was mortifying. She’d been with countless men; how embarrassing was it that he was leaking over just a kiss? She’d certainly be able to suspect his inexperience then.

As surprising as it was for him to admit, he just didn’t want to disappoint her. When it came to intimate activities, he was sure she’d seen it all. It wasn’t that he didn’t want things to go further; the mere thought made his entire body break out into goosebumps. He just couldn’t help but feel insecure in comparison.

Which was why he shot up from his chair like the seat was on fire. He hated that he was doing this—absolutely hated it—but the longer she stood there the more he worried she would notice the raging hard-on in his pants. She had to get out of there, and fast, if only for the sake of his sanity.

The way he rushed to the shower the second his door closed made him feel horrible. God, he was no better than a disgusting hormonal teenager, was he? Here she was thinking she had done something wrong, and embarrassment kept Jungkook from reassuring her otherwise. He couldn’t let her walk away thinking this was her fault. He couldn’t.

Hi, he typed out under her name in his phone before he could stop himself—it was all he could do to dry his hands fast enough before his phone got water damage. I just wanted to apologize again for tonight. I didn’t mean for it to feel like I was kicking you out. He chewed on his bottom lip, self-doubt causing him to second guess every word that he was writing, but he refused to let anything be erased. We can meet up again sometime soon if you want? For tutoring

There were only a few minutes of mental berating that he had to endure before her reply chimed in like a breath of fresh air.

it’s no problem, don’t worry about it! i would love that :)

•••

After that, you continued to meet up for tutoring at a casual pace.

You worked hard to make sure your sessions seemed regular, relaxed, so not to add any extra pressure onto Jungkook’s shoulders. You had been on your way to the edge of the road waiting for Namjoon to pick you up when you received Jungkook’s text of forgiveness, and though the genuine gesture warmed your heart, you couldn’t help the way its beating spiked in your chest when you continued reading to see that he made an effort yet again to plan to get together with you.

At the time, you couldn’t believe your eyes. Here you were in the middle of self-loathing, and he was the one contacting you? The natural grin that sparked on your features couldn’t be stopped. Maybe you didn’t ruin things after all. Maybe Jungkook was warming up to you more than you thought.

That being said, you certainly weren’t going to push things at your next sessions. It was clear your previous actions had made him uncomfortable in some way, and that was the last thing you wanted. So you continued to keep things going in a moderate, somewhat professional yet casual manner; as hard as that was for you, it was worth it in the long run. He was worth it.

One of the benefits you loved reaping from your study sessions was that you could see his personality, his true personality that was kept hidden beneath the layers of caution and hesitation that he would wear as armor to keep you out, was finally starting to shine through the cracks. You would catch glimpses of it when you least expected, in a silly quip or witty one liner that he would comeback with after your teasing that would leave you stunned and smiling to yourself at the notion that you were finally seeing Jungkook, the real Jungkook that so few got to know, and you were falling in love with every piece of him.

“So if the mitosis is the powerhouse of the cell then what the fuck is the nucleus?”

“There are so many things wrong with what you just said.”

It was another day of studying in his isolated dorm room, and you could not be more over it. The material was beyond tedious and excruciatingly boring at this point, though you would endure a thousand biology lessons if it meant getting to spend time with him.

“My ass still hurts from the last time I sat in this seat,” you pointed out, your brain literally begging to focus on anything other than the words in your textbook. It needed a break. The pain in your backside would do as a viable distraction.

A tut fell from Jungkook’s lips. “Yeah, the desk chairs are pretty uncomfortable.” You watched as his expression fell in favor of nibbling his bottom lip, and you’d studied his shy mannerisms long enough to know that there was something itching at his mind. “You can, um,” he started with a mumbled voice, “you can sit on the bed this time, if you want. I’ll take the chair.”

Your heart pounded in your chest. “No, that’s not fair–“

“I don’t mind,” he smiled softly, and the sight was so rare, so beautiful that it rendered you speechless and you had no choice but to oblige.

His bed was soft and smelled of him; you were instantly transported back to when the two of you had brought a bowl of popcorn up here and turned on One Piece—both of which were quickly forgotten in favor of beautiful boy sitting next to you who demanded all of your attention whether he wanted it or not. It was like you were a moth drawn to his flame; you couldn’t help the magnetic pull every fiber of your being had to him.

You desperately pushed down the memories of the life changing make out session that had happened next, if only for your sanity. “Hey, what if we continued watching One Piece–“

“No.”

•••

“Apoptosis,” you recalled to him after a few hours into your session. “The death of cells.”

Jungkook slowly nodded his head. “Right. It occurs as a normal and controlled part of an organism’s growth or development.”

“Will I have to know all that extra stuff?” You looked up at him under furrowed brows.

He simply shrugged. “Probably. It’s not too hard to remember why it’s happening once you know what it is.”

“Easy for you to say; the textbooks right in front of you!”

You were relieved when he let out a chuckle—one that you would never get tired of hearing—and you couldn’t help but acknowledge how much more comfortable things now were between you. You still had a long ways to go, of course; he still closed up when you spoke too much, returned to his flustered and distant self whenever things got off the topic of biology, and it reminded you of how shy he acted when you first met. But things were definitely better. For instance, you were now able to hold a casual and somewhat teasing conversation with him without scaring him away.

“I guess you’ll just have to study more,” Jungkook replied with a grin, and you rolled your eyes in amusement to ignore the butterflies that were fluttering in your stomach at his seemingly harmless offer to prolong your tutoring.

It all felt so pure, so fresh with him—like you were a giddy school girl all over again with a hopeless crush. And though you knew your feelings were much, much more than that, you couldn’t help but feel young and flustered in his presence.

Another yawn forced its way past your lips as you rested your head on the back of your hands, now fully laying down on top of his bed. Scientific data danced off his tongue as if he were serenading you with poetry, and the sound of his voice was as soothing as smooth velvet and honey as it encased you in a blanket of warmth and lulled you to your dreams.

•••

Jungkook let out a yawn after a particularly long paragraph he’d been reading from the textbook, his eyes flashing to the clock on his phone. 1:04 am, it read.

His eyes widened slightly. Last he checked it was 10:30. How had the time gotten away from him like that? Surely it couldn’t simply be because he lost track while enjoying her company...

He didn’t know why he even bothered to lie to himself anymore.

With another yawn her turned towards her. “I didn’t realize how late–“

He froze mid-sentence, turning rigid in his seat. There, in the middle of his bed with her head on his pillow, hair softly splayed out behind her as she curled on her side, was Y/N.

And she was fast asleep.

He blinked after a moment, if only to make sure his eyes weren’t deceiving him, but it seemed the efforts were futile. There was no mistaking her still, undisturbed lids that brought her soft lashes to kiss the top of her cheekbones. There was no misinterpreting the slow rise and fall of her chest. And if he listened closely, which he always did, there was no misunderstanding the gentle breaths of air that cascaded from her lips like a soft sea breeze. She was asleep, no doubt about it.

And it was once he realized this, the initial surprise chipping away at his guarded heart, that he softened at the sight. She looked so beautiful, so peaceful like this. He had never seen a more breathtaking scene than the one before him now, and in this moment there was no way he could believe a single one of those incriminating rumors being spread about her. She looked like a breath of innocence laying there, a vast contrast to the reputation that proceeded her, and if Jungkook didn’t know better he would’ve guessed in this moment that she never knew an ounce of pain, had never been corrupted by the harsh realities of life. His classmates’, Trip’s words were nothing but a distant memory as he gazed down at her like she was the sun, moon and stars all wrapped into one, and even though she was in his sanctuary, the one place that he went to for escape from the rest of the world, he wanted nothing more than for her to stay.

A strong, deep and overwhelming emotion threatened to climb its way from his throat in the sudden desperate need to be spoken into existence, but he swallowed the feeling down.

She would take his bed tonight. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

•••

You awoke feeling more well-rested than you‘d felt in a long time.

Instantly warmth enveloped you. And not from in the inside out, but rather the outside in: blankets, fluffy and cozy and billowing around you in a haphazard disarray as evidence that you had a good sleep all night long. The mattress beneath you was comfortable, spacious–

A little too spacious.

Your eyes shot open at the realization, a confused and groggy frown marring your features. This was not the familiar couch at Taehyung’s apartment that you were used to crashing on; this wasn’t a couch at all, in fact.

Oh fuck.

Did you break your number one rule? There’s no way; even in an inebriated state, you always remembered to catch a ride home. It had become second nature, was all you’d known these past three years. There’s no way you could’ve broken it now after all this time. You didn’t even remember drinking last night. Just how fucked up did you get?

You shot upright at the thought, instantly moving to scramble from the bed and swiftly escape the room before the drunken fuck could see. You had to get out of here. How could you have been so careless? Why did you–

It was your body and your mind alike that came screeching to a halt when your eyes fell to the bedroom floor.

He was there on the floor with a pillow and blanket arranged in a makeshift bed, the boy who made your breath hitch at the mere sight of him and sent your heart into overdrive.

Jungkook was asleep. Jungkook let you stay the night. Jungkook gave you his bed.

Suddenly the memories of last night were shifting into view to rearrange all the mangled panic that habit led you to believe upon waking up in an unfamiliar environment. Of course you didn’t party last night and go home with a drunken fuck; you were at Jungkook’s place studying until the early hours of the morning. You must’ve fallen asleep during your session.

Embarrassment tinged your cheeks at the realization, though the thought soon dissipated as the sight of him consumed every single synapses in your brain like it always did.

Your previously rigid and guarded posture soon softened while you gently laid back down on the bed with a sigh, simply gazing at him and unable to peel your eyes away. He was so beautiful that it hurt. You’ve always thought so of course, and even so, seeing him in his most vulnerable state was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen. To see him without worry or fear etched into his brow, without his defenses up was truly a work of art and you were the luckiest person in the world to bear witness to it.

The smile that graced your lips was not lost on you, though you simply reveled in the happiness that swarmed your soul as you burrowed back into his sheets and took in the heavenly scent of his that surrounded you. This was his bed, the most private and vulnerable place that you could ever possibly be, and he was allowing you to be here. And that meant that nothing, nothing could pull your head from the clouds of pure heaven that you danced among in this moment.

The sudden swell of deep emotion and realization in your chest was so visceral, so much stronger than anything you’d ever felt before. You never wanted to leave him like this. You wanted to wake up to see him there for a long, long time.

However, the same couldn’t be said for the manner in which you were seeing him; a wave of concern and guilt soon wracked your frame at the fact that he had forgone the comfort of his own bed for you in favor of taking the hard ground. And before you knew what you were doing, you found yourself slipping from between the sheets and onto the floor beside him.

You didn’t know how much time had passed while you admired him. His cheeks were round with sleep, lips plump and pouted looking the most irresistible and adorable you ever knew a human could. There was a lock of soft brown hair that hung across his forehead, and you nearly resisted the urge to brush it from his eyes if only to count the number of lashes dusting his cheekbones.

Nearly being the keyword there—the attempt was futile, of course, as there wasn’t a bone in your body that could resist him.

The spark between both of your nerve-endings danced as your fingers gently caressed his skin, hooking behind the lock of hair and gently sweeping it out of his face in a reverent display of affection. Your touch couldn’t have been any more than a feather, you knew it couldn’t have, and yet his closed lids fluttered anyway.

You quickly withdrew your hand so not to scare the slowly stirring boy before you, though in the end that didn’t stop his surprise upon seeing you.

The speed in which his eyes bulged open was almost comical.

“Y/N?” His lids were still fluttering in groggy confusion when he murmured your name in a voice thick with sleep, and holy hell, you could have died and gone to heaven right then and there for all you knew.

Is this what you’d been missing out on? Did all men’s voices sound this sexy in the morning, or was it just his? You had a very strong feeling it was the latter.

“Sorry for falling asleep during tutoring,” you smiled softly, your voice gentle so to match the reverence of the soft morning glow filtering in around you through the opaque curtains. “I always did find biology boring.”

Though his eyes stayed unwavering on you, his mouth fell open and shut like a fish out of water, seemingly too stunned to speak.

“Thank you for letting me stay over, but you didn’t have to,” you spoke again when it was apparent he wasn’t going to respond, a rosy blush dusting your cheeks. “You could’ve taken the bed.”

“I didn’t want to wake you,” Jungkook‘s voice sounded a gentle rumble after a moment of silence, and if you didn’t know any better the expression in his eyes would lead you to believe he loved seeing your sleeping form in his bed, almost as much as you loved seeing his.

It was a dangerous game, choosing what to let yourself believe as fact or wishful thinking.

Eventually your eyes left his before another staring contest could ensue in favor of glancing past him to the empty side of the room. “Did your roommate already come and go?”

“He didn’t come home,” Jungkook answered, his gaze never leaving your face as he propped himself up on his elbow. He cleared his throat and averted his eyes when you looked back to him. “He doesn’t usually sleep here. Like I said, you just had bad luck before.”

You couldn’t help but giggle at that as your heart warmed at his last words. Bad luck that you’d gotten interrupted before but good luck that you didn’t this time; could this mean that he liked spending uninterrupted time with you? That he no longer silently looked for excuses to leave your presence?

“You can go back to sleep in your bed if you want,” your expression turned sheepish as you lifted yourself to your feet. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I just didn’t want you to be uncomfortable on the floor.”

Jungkook followed your action with his eyes before sitting up as well and crossing his legs beneath his blanket on the floor. He looked so impossibly cute in the morning: hair ruffled and messy, eyes half lidded and groggy. You tried to stop your gaze from lingering on the way his plain white shirt hung loosely from his broad chest and shoulders, and you had to physically look away to keep from staring at his collarbone peeking from beneath the hem of the fabric. The last thing you needed was to get turned on this morning.

The silence that hung in the air was a comfortable one, though it spoke volumes for Jungkook’s intentions. He apparently wasn’t planning on getting back in bed.

“Do you wanna maybe...” you swallowed down the nerves you were now getting accustomed to upon being around him, “go get some breakfast?”

•••

Jungkook didn’t know what was happening to him.

He didn’t know who he was becoming. Because this person? This person who let Y/N spend the night, who let her sleep in his bed and got breakfast with her the next day like some sort of morning-after routine? This wasn’t him. It couldn’t be.

And yet he found himself doing it anyway.

He’d given his body with a mind of its own free reign at this point, feeling merely like a passenger as he watched these things that he never thought possible unfold before his very eyes. Waking up to the sight of Y/N peering back at him with soft eyes and a gentle smile was something that only happened in his dreams. He’d spent every waking moment since he met the wild senior telling himself that she wasn’t capable of that. That she was bad news and had no interest in anything from him other than a quick fuck. He wanted no part in that—at least that’s what he told himself. Though if that was the case, then how did he make it this far?

However, this was entirely different. This was uncharted territory that he never thought he’d get to explore, and it left him unknowing of how to feel. Had Y/N ever had a relationship quite as genuine, as domestic as this in the midst of all her one night stands? Deep down, he selfishly hoped the answer was no. He allowed himself to hope that he was special, if just this once.

They found their way to a nearby cafe on campus, the blast of warm air upon entering after enduring the crisp morning chill of winter melting his insides to goo. Though upon glancing at the girl beside him, he realized that his gooey insides had nothing to do with the sudden temperature change.

Jungkook followed her lead over to a table in the corner that was partially hidden from view of the rest of the cafe. He didn’t know if she’d done this on purpose for his preference of isolation or not, but he was appreciative nonetheless.

“Have you ever been here?” Y/N asked him, and the way her cheeks and nose were a soft red from the cold made Jungkook’s gaze dance with captivation.

“No,” he answered after a moment, the two of them taking their seats across from one another at the quaint, round table for two. “I uh, haven’t explored much of campus this semester other than my dorm and the academic buildings.”

He tossed in an awkward chuckle that he hoped countered how lame he knew he sounded. Why would somebody as exciting and adventurous as Y/N want anything to do with a recluse like himself?

Though if she felt one way or another about his statement, she certainly didn’t show it. “This place has the best coffee—if you like coffee, of course. But if you don’t they have other drinks as well. There’s tea if you’re more of a tea person... or hot chocolate. I’m sure they have milk or juice too, and just water.” Her eyes were fixated on the menu in front of her, and so he took the opportunity to admire her downcast features. She was rambling, and he could tell from his own personal experience with the emotion that she was nervous. And though he couldn’t imagine why she would feel such a way around him, it was endearing to see nonetheless.

He was following the graceful lines and curvatures of her face when her eyes suddenly found his again. He quickly snapped them down to look at his own menu. God, even with the winter chill in his bones he was still burning from her presence. Did they sell frozen beverages here?

After the server walked by to take their order (he thankfully was able to order something chilled to cool his insides), Jungkook was surprised at the ease in which their conversation flowed. They weren’t chatting nonstop by any means, but it seemed that studying together had made him a bit more comfortable—something that he wasn’t even aware of until this very moment.

Y/N had always been friendly, but instead of actively letting the topic fall flat like he normally would in favor of checking nearby exits for the perfect escape route, he found himself wanting to match her quips, wanting to hold her attention and keep her interest. And though she still did most of the talking, he wasn’t desperately wanting to return to the isolation of his room to shut himself off from the world like he usually did. He was okay here at their quaint table in the back of the cafe obscured behind some potted plants and with her staring back at him like there wasn’t a single person in the world she’d rather be with in this moment.

“So is computer science turning out to be all you’d hoped for?” There was a lilt of amusement to her tone as she emptied a packet of sugar into her coffee, and Jungkook knew this was because he had told her of his true feelings about the major.

He took a bite of his breakfast, the fork sitting between his lips for a moment in thought before he nodded pensively. “I like the subject. Computers have always interested me. I wouldn’t be majoring in it if I didn’t.”

Y/N nodded at his answer, though it seemed as if she was eluding to more. “And art?”

He looked over at her quizzically. “What about it?”

She shrugged with a small grin on her agonizingly perfect lips. “Are you taking it as an easy elective, or do you have an interest there?”

Jungkook gulped. He never opened up to people about his art. Not even his parents knew; it was just something he didn’t do. “I... I’ve always actually, um, b-been sort of into drawing.”

Well, until now, apparently.

He had no idea what possessed him to actually admit that to her, the first person he’s ever admitted it to besides himself, though the elation that lit up her face at his response was all worth it.

“Is that what your sketch pad is for?” She referenced the booklet that had always been crammed safely between the monstrous textbooks on his desk. He kept it hidden and out of view—or so he thought.

He cleared his throat after a bite of food to keep from choking. Did she really pay that much attention to the details of his room? “I uh—yeah. It–it’s just a way to pass the time.”

“But you take drawing 101 as an elective?”

He didn’t know what prompted him to open his mouth, albeit a bit sheepishly. “A-actually, I uh, I tested out of 101 after meeting with the professor. I take drawing 201.” Certainly his cheeks were the color of beets right now.

Her eyes widened to the size of saucers, but before he could fret over the sheer surprise on her expression, she was speaking again. “Could I see them sometime?”

Now he actually did choke. A cough sputtered from his lips, the expression of concern that was adorning Y/N’s features making the embarrassment even harder to swallow along with his bite of food.

“Are you alright?” She leaned forward with wide eyes and brows knit into a frown.

“Y-yeah, yeah, I’m–“ Jungkook cleared his throat a couple more times to make sure he could breathe properly. “I’m okay. I don’t actually,” he paused, taking a moment to gather himself. “I’ve never actually... let anyone see my sketches before.”

“Oh,” she raised her brows before sitting back. “That’s okay then. I underst–“

“B-but, u-uh, maybe one day,” Jungkook gulped down the aftertaste of word vomit that had just spewed from his lips, his pulse increasing rapidly.

Y/N nodded with a smile then, a beautiful smile that he would never get tired of seeing, and while he was lost in the sight–

“You know...” she peered over beneath her lashes, and the beautiful smile morphed into a small smirk tugging at her lips. “This could technically be considered our second date.”

And it was suddenly that the wind had been knocked out of him. “D-date?”

“If you want,” Y/N shrugged as if the offer was no big deal. “I mean, you did kinda do this whole thing backwards. The least you could do is buy me a meal before getting me in your bed.”

His mouth ran dry at that, parched like a man left in the sweltering sun to match the heat that rose to his bright red face. And though it was obvious she was joking—the teasing grin of amusement on her lips were a dead giveaway—he couldn’t help but focus on the nature of her words in a very serious manner.

Y/N had never dropped a sexual innuendo to him before—not unless he had just been too naive to catch on at first. Regardless, the dirty scenario that her joking words implied was definitely not lost on him now, and it had his heart hammering in his chest.

She had to stop doing this to him. She had to have mercy on his poor soul, because he didn’t know how much more of this he could take. She had the ability to turn his world completely upside down in a matter of mere syllables, and the way those syllables were formed on the tip of her tongue and incredibly soft lips, the lips that he had felt with his own and knew how they tasted and–

His eyes widened. There was no way this was happening again.

The blood went down below in a rush, seeming to happen in slow motion and all at once, and before he knew it Jungkook had popped yet another boner over the thought of Y/N’s lips.

He couldn’t stop the blood draining from his face—probably because it all went to his dick. Was this really the type of person he was now? Someone who was too horny to even control their sexual urges? He didn’t know what had come over him these past couple of weeks, but he couldn’t seem to stop it. All she had to do was smirk at him and suddenly he was some kind of crazy sex addict!

He quickly shifted in his seat, clearing his throat and placing a napkin in his lap to hide his pants. The absolute mortification had to be written across his face; he knew it had to be, because Y/N in all of her painfully adorable obliviousness had misunderstood his sudden turn in behavior.

“I’m kidding! I’m paying of course.”

His head snapped up in shock at that; after the drastic turn of events, her previous words had momentarily slipped his mind until her sudden offer. Did she really want to pay for his meal?

“What? It’s a date,” she grinned.

And despite the circumstances, he couldn’t help but mirror her expression; it came surprisingly natural for him, in fact.

“If that’s the case, then I’ll pay,” he spoke without thinking. Fortunately his boner had started to settle thanks to the topic change, and this was something that he really wanted to do; his mother, as overprotective as she was, was very conservative and always taught him that chivalry should be kept alive.

“No, I’m the one who wanted to take you out.” And though she shook her head with a mischievous smile, her voice still held a tone of resolution to it that told him it wasn’t up for discussion. There was no arguing when the server came by and she handed over her card without even looking at the bill.

And despite having lost this temporary battle, Jungkook couldn’t help but feel the familiar rush of fuzzy warmth spread from his heart throughout the rest of his body like a lovesick poison. Here they were, on a domestic-style breakfast date at the local cafe arguing over normal couple things such as who got to pay the bill. It might’ve been small, something that seemed minuscule in the grand scheme of things, but it meant so much more to Jungkook.

Because it showed the path that they were on. And if things continued progressing the way they were, the wall of ice around Jungkook’s heart just might begin to melt.

•••

Despite the brisk winter air assaulting their senses upon exiting the warm cafe, the two of them were nothing but smiles. Well, he should say that Y/N was—the beam that lit up her face rivaled only the sun, whereas the corners of Jungkook’s lips simply turned up into a small grin.

He breathed into his hands before rubbing them together in hopes that the friction would heat them up and tried to calm the nerves dancing in his stomach. Even after spending the whole morning with her, the butterflies never stilled. It was a wonder what it felt like to have settled insides anymore.

“Jesus, why is it so freezing!” Y/N let out an adorable yelp that caused Jungkook’s smile to grow, and before he knew what she was doing–

“Are your hands cold?” She blurted the question before suddenly grabbing his hands in hers.

He stumbled to a stop, his blood running so cold that his body went numb until the sensation was burning him alive like Icy Hot in his veins. Of course he had felt her skin since their hands had last touched; he made out with her twice, for crying out loud. But that still didn’t stop the visceral, kismet energy that sparked between them like a lightning strike every time and shook both of them to the core.

Y/N looked down at their hands as if trying to make sense of the sensation, fingers barely brushing at this point, before looking back up at him. Her eyes searched his face, for what he wasn’t sure, and it was after a newfound determination settled over her features that he felt her palm against his in full force, fingers perfectly intertwined, holding his hand.

And Jungkook thought he was going to have a heart attack right there on the sidewalk.

He couldn’t believe it was happening. It was actually happening; he was actually holding her hand after all this time spent purposely trying to avoid the interaction. Though now in this moment, he suddenly couldn’t remember why he’d been trying to fight it.

It felt so good to hold her hand, so right—like their fingers and knuckles and palms were meant to cradle each other’s and no one else’s. He didn’t know that holding hands could feel like this—he’d only done so with his parents as a kid and childhood friends—but he quickly realized he was becoming addicted to the warm heart of his she was slowly starting to thaw.

Which is why after a few more moments spent in a stuttering, flustered mess, he finally pulled himself together long enough to walk hand in hand with her to the edge of the road.

“This is where my ride is picking me up,” Y/N exhaled once they slowed to a stop, though her hand never left his.

Jungkook hated the way his pulse sped up as he turned to face her with a nod. His dorm was just right across the street after all, and he had some studying of his own to catch up on. He knew he needed to get home.

So why did his feet stay planted in place, unwilling to let her go?

“Thank you for um—for breakfast.” The words stumbled from his mouth in an awkward, sheepish manner, though when he glanced up from his lowered gaze he couldn’t take his eyes off her smile.

“Thank you,” Y/N breathed, her gaze sparkling and intense and unwavering on his, “for letting me stay the night and for—for everything. I had a really good time Jungkook.”

He gulped at the unspoken tension that crackled between them; he could tell he was waiting for something that suspended in the air between them, but he couldn’t be sure of what. He’d never felt this feeling in his entire life: the feeling of desperately wanting to cling onto a moment that he knew should surely end. In any normal situation he would be spinning on his heel right now and dashing away in an effort to make a quick escape and ease his erratically pounding heart. And yet...

The sound of a booming stereo shattered the moment between them. A familiar car pulled up beside them—the same car that Y/N had used to drive them to their first date at the bowling alley, he realized—and through the open windows Jungkook could just make out the face of the first friend of hers he’d ever met.

“Hey Jungkook,” Taehyung leaned over the passenger’s seat to grin up at him in a friendly greeting, and Jungkook pressed his lips together in what he hoped looked like a makeshift smile in return. He didn’t know why there was disappointment inside his deflating gut; there was nothing left to be said between he and Y/N, right? It was time for them to part ways.

Y/N turned to look at him one last time. “I’ll see you later, okay?” She spoke almost as if she wanted to be sure of it herself as well, and thanks to a final squeeze of his hand from hers Jungkook was left a pile of putty on the ground as she got into the car and rode away.

And while he always preferred being alone, he found himself missing her presence already the second she left his side.

He walked with heavy feet back to his dormitory, desperately trying and failing to combat the giddy emotions from his mind that came along with the memories of this past night and morning. His futile efforts would’ve gone on a lot longer too had it not been for a familiar face suddenly stopping him as soon as he entered his room.

“Hey man,” Trip greeted casually, his coat and shoes still on and book bag slung over his shoulder like he’d just gotten back from class, though immediately Jungkook could sense something was off by his tone of voice.

“Hey...” Jungkook trailed off warily.

He waited a few moments before his roommate finally shook his head. “Look, I know you get pissed whenever I say something about it, but I saw you with Y/N.” He paused before letting out a sigh. “She really is bad news.”

It was the defeat, the dejection in his tone that caused Jungkook’s throat to tighten and stomach to drop in dread. Trip had just seen the two of them together on his way inside the building, and Jungkook could tell he was being genuine.

“I wouldn’t be saying this if I couldn’t tell you really like her,” his roommate continued. “She’ll just hump and dump you, dude.”

Jungkook was shaking his head before he even realized he was doing so; he so desperately wanted to believe he was wrong. “You don’t know anything about Y/N other than the rumors you’re told.” His voice was confident, spoken with conviction, though it was the sigh that fell from Trip’s lips that had Jungkook’s swirling with doubt.

“Back in August at the very beginning of the semester, I went to a party. I wanted to get to know people; classes hadn’t even started yet.”

Jungkook already didn’t like the thought of where this story was headed; he balled his hands into fists to keep his fingers from trembling as Trip continued.

“Y/N was there, and she was drunk out of her mind. Pretty sure she doesn’t even remember this, but uh, I was wasted too, and we hooked up. It was just a quickie in the bathroom; nothing special, but you know, it was her.” The expression on his face was wistful, as if he had been smitten with her that night, and Jungkook felt as if his entire world was crashing down around him.

He stumbled back a step, nauseous. Vomit threatened to crawl its way up his throat, though he somehow kept it down.

“I went to get her number afterwards and she was gone before I could even button my pants.” It was hard to mistake the sadness, the defeat in his tone. “When I saw her later on campus, she didn’t even remember me. I’d say it was just a one time thing except for the fact that she does this to guys all the time. When I started asking around about her, everyone had a similar story. Said she’d even do it sober, too. So really, don’t waste your time dude. It’s not worth it.”

Jungkook was deathly quiet. It was hard to differentiate the many emotions and tumultuous thoughts crashing down around him like an endless tsunami, so much so that he felt numb from the inside out. He simply stood in place, frozen like a statue under the assault of Trip’s confession, before spinning around on his heel and hurrying out the door.

His roommate called after him, though there was no hearing anything around him over the pounding heartbeat raging in Jungkook’s ears. He kept running, and running, and running, until he finally slowed to a stop once fresh winter air filled his lungs just outside the dormitory building.

He was going to be sick.

His palms found his knees as he bent over, ready to spew the contents of his breakfast that Y/N bought for him all over the concrete ground. His chest heaved; the nausea was there, festering in the bottom of his stomach and lodged in the back of his throat, though no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get it past the giant lump obscuring its path. Nothing would come up.

And it was then, right in the middle of this chaotic whirlwind of pain, hurt, sadness, anger, confusion, regret—just to name a few—that Jungkook felt a vibration in his pocket.

After a few more moments of heavy breathing, Jungkook’s shaking fingers fumbled to pull out his phone. And as if things couldn’t get any worse than they already were, the universe decided to mock him even further.

hey, thanks again for our date this morning! i had a lot of fun :) when do you want to get together for our next tutoring sesh?

Jungkook gulped before turning off his phone completely.

•••

It had been two weeks since you heard from Jungkook.

You wouldn’t even bat an eye at his lack of communication had this been the beginning stages of your relationship; you were very much accustomed to going out and seeking Jungkook on your own. But ever since things had started to progress for the two of you, you kept in contact through text to plan a time and date to meet up.

Only he hadn’t replied to a single one of your messages.

After not hearing back from him the first time, you sent another; maybe he was just busy catching up on his own studies, or needed some time to himself. You couldn’t fault him for that. But when that one had gone unanswered too, you started to worry. Had something happened to him?

You couldn’t find him leaving his late night art class like you usually did. He wasn’t taking his usual route to and from his classes. You even risked venturing into the library again, if only to catch a glimpse of the beautiful boy at a table in the corner or behind a computer screen, but with no such luck. All your knocks on his dorm door had gone unanswered. You even attempted to call him once or twice, but it quickly went to voicemail. You were beginning to get seriously worried that something was wrong.

Immediately your mind went to the worst. What if he had gotten hurt? What if he was stuck somewhere or dead in a ditch? And that’s what drove you to do something you hadn’t ever needed to do before: you sat outside the door of his dorm room, ass on the floor and back against the wall the entire day.

The waiting game was excruciating; you couldn’t untangle the knots from your stomach even if you tried. Your palms sweltered with a nervous heat as you fiddled with your fingers in your lap, swallowing all of your pride that made you feel like a desperate fool whenever another student would walk down the hall and give you a strange look. You could endure the embarrassment, the vulnerability that putting yourself out there took as long as it meant you got to see Jungkook. You needed to know that he was okay.

There was also the self-doubt creeping at the edges of your mind, the same dejection you were all too familiar with that told you Jungkook didn’t want to see you. That he was actively avoiding you, that you had built up every little interaction between the two of you inside your mind to make it bigger than it really was, and he actually just hated you—it ate away at you from the inside out.

But then you were remembering the way he looked at you when he awoke that fateful morning, how he let you sleep in his bed and offered to pay the bill and held your hand on the way back from your second date. There was no way you could’ve been imagining the feelings the two of you shared, could you? Regardless, you weren’t going to let Jungkook go. Not after everything you’d been through.

It was after 9:00 at night before there was movement in front of his door. You’d been staring down at your phone, tapping away at a mindless game to kill time when you heard the most glorious sound you’d ever heard in your entire life.

“Y/N?”

The speed in which your head snapped up at the sound could give you whiplash, but you didn’t even care at this point. Because Jungkook was here, standing in front of you in the flesh, and your body reacted without thinking as you jumped up from your seat on the floor and threw your arms around him in a giant hug.

“Jungkook, you’re okay!” You gushed in relief, fists gripping onto the material of his coat on his back if only to keep him from disappearing on the spot and face burying into the crook of his neck. You’d only hugged him one other time outside the art building and though the occurrence seemed like ages ago, a distant memory after all the progress you’d made, you still remembered the feelings, the overwhelming emotions coursing through you from the embrace. And god, your memory hadn’t done it justice.

The same kismet passion crashed around you like a raging storm full of thunder and lightning when the two of you collided, though right there with it at the forefront of your brain was the elation, the relief and happiness and overwhelming joy that you felt seeing him again. To hold him in your arms if only to convince yourself this was real, that he was okay, was really all you needed after weeks of being left in the dark.

Though beneath your own swirling emotions clouding your senses, you could immediately tell that something was wrong. He was stiff, rigid beneath you, though instead of this feeling like the same shell-shocked surprise he usually had, you could sense he was off. He felt distant, cold, like the giant wall of ice that was beginning to melt around his heart had frozen solid again and increased in height three times over.

Though despite your intuition alerting you of these observations, you still eventually felt his arms slowly wrap around you to reciprocate the hug as if he was reluctant to do so but had finally stopped fighting himself. And the feeling of his hold that kept you lodged against his chest was the best thing you ever could’ve felt.

You gave an extra squeeze of your arms around him to let him know that you appreciated the reciprocation before pulling away to look up at him. You needed to see his face to know if he was truly okay. You needed to see his eyes.

And there staring back at you was everything you feared and more: pain, regret, hurt. Your heart broke at the sight, and a visible frown marred your features as concern filled every fiber of your being.

“What’s wrong?”

Anguish etched across his expression at your words. You grabbed his hand, letting the familiar spark of electricity that relentlessly took your breath away travel through your veins, if only to let him know that it was alright.

“Come on, let’s get into your room.” He felt more comfortable in private places; you knew that much from experience. “We can talk there.”

Jungkook was hesitant at that, and for a moment you were worried he was going to say no. But then a soft sigh fell from his lips and he eventually nodded his head, unlocking the door with trembling hands that didn’t go unnoticed by you and allowing the two of you to enter.

You were relieved to see that his roommate wasn’t in tonight, though you couldn’t say you were too surprised; you’d been fortunate enough to not have him there for most of your recent study sessions.

You began to speak as soon as the door shut behind him. “Are you okay? Did something happen? I’ve been texting you, calling you; I get it if you need your space, but I– I was worried.”

You admitted the last part sheepishly, feeling silly for overreacting when you could clearly see now that he was in good health. But the pain on his features, the way his eyes felt miles away from you—you knew something was bothering him.

Maybe he did just need his space—he was a loner, after all—in which case you felt self-consciously overly clingy and needy for going to the measures that you did to contact him. That was so out of character for you it wasn’t even funny; you never went out of your way to contact anyone besides your friends, and definitely not more than once. But you thought things for the two of you were finally starting to change for the better... it may have been selfish, but you thought you at least deserved a simple text explaining he wanted to be left alone, no? You would have understood.

Anxiety pricked at the base of your palms when he still hadn’t answered you. “Jungkook,” you started, taking a small step closer so not to scare him off. It felt as if you’d reverted back to how things used to be in the beginning. “Please, tell me what’s wrong.”

You didn’t know if it was your constant questions, his internal thoughts, or the small waver in your tone as you pleaded with him to just talk to you, but it was then that you saw his expression soften—a slight crack in his armor to reveal the gentle boy you knew was inside—and your chest flooded with hope.

“I–“ he started before stopping again, seeming to search for the right words. “I don’t– I c-can’t see you right now.”

Dread instantly swarmed in your stomach and sent it plummeting to the floor. “Why? Did something happen? Jungkook, if you don’t want to tutor me anymore that’s okay–“

“This isn’t about the tutoring,” he instantly corrected you with slightly grit teeth and a heavy sigh, almost as if he was trying to hold back. He was always trying to hold back. You wanted everything, the good and the bad and all of the in between. You just wanted him.

“Then what is it about?” You asked in a stronger tone, desperate for him to stop making you play this guessing game that was driving you insane. “Just tell me, Jungkook!”

“I know about you and Trip!” He suddenly blurted out, his words suspended in the air for a few silent moments while your mind scrambled to make sense of them. “He told me everything. He’s my– he’s my roommate, Y/N. I have to see him every day. I have to see him and all I can think about is you with him and I–“

“Wait, Jungkook, slow down,” you held your hands up to stop his rambling, your eyes closing in confusion with a shake of your head as you gathered your thoughts. “What are you talking about?”

“You–“ Jungkook paused, staring at you for a moment with his excruciatingly beautiful eyes before his shoulders deflated with a sigh. “Trip said that the two of you hooked up. At the beginning of the semester—he told me about it after he saw us out on our... you know...” And as if the wondrous boy couldn’t be any more of an enigma to you, he actually trailed off with a shy blush, unable to even mumble the words date into existence while he was here upset with you.

It broke you to see him so hurt like this, especially when you were the cause. And yet, despite the circumstances you couldn’t help the small flutter of your heart at the fact that he cared. He cared enough to get upset with you, he cared enough to voice his feelings aloud. And if anything, that did nothing but solidify what you knew the two of you had. You hadn’t been imagining things. This was real.

And you’d be damned if you ever let something as insignificant as your drunken past stand in the way of that.

“Jungkook,” you took a step forward, arms raised as if to touch him though not actually doing so. “I promise you, I have no recollection of that whatsoever. I would never purposefully sleep with your roommate, I... I–“

How did you even begin to explain to this boy that sex meant nothing to you? That you used to fuck random people all the time and it was no big deal? Surely that wouldn’t help in this situation.

The worst part was, you couldn’t even deny his words. Because you probably did fuck Trip at some point or another. Not to your knowledge, of course, though your memory was certainly nothing to use as a reliable source. You had no way of knowing if his roommate was lying or not.

Defeat marred Jungkook’s features in front of you, and all you could do was stand there and watch. This was the first time you’ve been truly disappointed in your promiscuous lifestyle.

“I... I know you don’t remember,” Jungkook finally spoke, and you were thankful that he decided to fill the silence at all. “Trip told me that too.”

“I’m sorry, Jungkook,” you frowned, eyes lowering with a heavy chest. “I’m sorry that it had to be him. But you have to believe me when I say that I feel nothing, absolutely nothing for him. I don’t– I don’t have feelings for people. Feelings are not something that I do.” You were rambling now, you knew you were, but you couldn’t stop the word vomit from tumbling past your lips until it was too late. “I’ve never felt anything for anyone until I met you!”

Jungkook froze at that. His doe eyes turned the size of saucers, and you were sure the total state of shock on his features was a reflection of the emotions now coursing through your body.

You’d never admitted out loud that you actually had feelings for Jungkook—not to him, at least. Sure you made it pretty fucking obvious, what with chasing him around campus since the second you met, but you had no clue what Jungkook was ever thinking; for all you knew he could’ve thought you’d been just trying to get in his pants this whole time.

So maybe this was a good thing. Maybe this was what Jungkook needed to hear. If you had to let down your walls down and be vulnerable for the first time in your life to fight for him, then you were going to have to break through the socially constructed cage of fear that was holding you back and do just that.

“How...” Jungkook’s voice was hoarse, strained when he finally spoke up, and he stopped to clear his throat. His knuckles that gripped the edge of his desk were white. “Why?”

His question caught you off guard. “Why do I have feelings for you?”

“N-no,” Jungkook spluttered at your forward statement, coughing slightly to cover the hitch you detected in his tone before clearing his throat once more. “I–I just...” he chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, seeming to go through world war III in his mind before: “Why don’t you do feelings?”

It was the question that would open the can of worms you’d been trying so desperately to keep sealed shut for the past three years. From the looks of it, if his nervous fidgeting was any giveaway, Jungkook knew this was a touchy subject for you as well. And yet he still asked it anyway, which was more progress than you could say about any conversation the two of you have ever had in the past.

You took a seat on the edge of his bed, the long sigh that left your lips followed only by the sharp inhale that filled your lungs as much as they would allow. Your attempt to quell the nerves that were rocking within your stomach was futile. Any time you thought about your past you were swarmed with the same anxiety you experienced during it, which was usually why you pushed the memories to the depths of your brain and kept them buried beneath drugs and sex and alcohol.

But one look at the gentle, profound, big brown eyes staring back at you with so much understanding, so much support despite the chaotic circumstances, and you knew you could trust him.

He was the one you wanted to open yourself up to.

“My... parents,” you started, and even just mentioning them had your throat constricting. You shuddered out a shaky exhale, and it was then that you felt the mattress beside you dip under the weight of another body.

Jungkook was sitting next to you, no parts of you touching but just close enough so that you knew he was there. Whether he did it for your benefit or not, you’d never know, but his presence brought you comfort.

“We... didn’t have a good relationship,” you frowned, tone hesitant as you tried to pick and choose the right words to describe this situation for the first time in your life. “I don’t speak to them anymore.”

Jungkook remained silent at your side, though you could tell by the twitching of his lips you saw as you glanced at him from the corner of your eye that he had questions unwilling to be voiced aloud.

You heaved a heavy sigh as you worked up the courage to continue. “T-they were abusive. Not physically—well, a little physically, but uh, m-mostly mentally, emotionally.” You fought through the painful memories to find an instance that described them well. “They left me abandoned in a parking lot when I was eight. After everything went down with the cops, child protective services, you know—they’d gotten out of it with a bullshit excuse of course—they made me feel as if it was my fault. As if I was such a burden of a child, so unlovable and disastrous that they had no other choice but to leave me there.”

The words left a bitter taste in your mouth as a grimace stayed fixed on your lips, eyes glued to the bottom bookshelf that was sitting across the room but your mind far, far away from here. This was just one of the many ways your parents neglected you as a child, though this one always stood out in your mind. Because even though they were beyond shitty to you, they were all you had. This was the first time you were ever truly afraid that you had driven them away forever.

“I blamed myself for the longest time,” you continued, gulping down the pain and unable to meet Jungkook’s eye. You didn’t want to see his expression right now. “I blamed myself when I found my mom passed out on pills or my dad drunk in a ditch, as if they needed to do these things to cope with me. And when I was sixteen, they abandoned me for good—up and left one day when I was at school. I came home to find the place empty; what little we had was gone and a for sale sign was in the front yard.”

It was then that you felt a spark of electricity jolt up your arm like a lightning strike, and when you looked down you saw that Jungkook’s hand was sitting on yours.

Could he really be willingly touching you, initiating physical contact with you for the first time since you met?

Your head snapped up to look at him for the first time since you’d started speaking, and there in the very eyes staring back at you held enough warmth, enough tenderness and compassion and love to rival every single ounce of anxiety and negative emotion that your body ever held.

It felt as if a weight had been lifted from your shoulders. Finally you were voicing your troubles aloud after years of bottling them inside, and finally you had someone to share them with, someone who held your hand and let you know that they weren’t going anywhere despite the fear that accompanied this pain for your entire life—fear that you would be rejected, abandoned, fear that you could never be loved or wanted after dumping such a heavy load of emotional baggage onto someone else.

Yet here he was, sitting by your side and holding your hand all the same.

It was the reason why you had so many random hookups, why you never slept with the same person twice and would ghost each of them before they ever had a chance to try to get close to you; you were trying to temporarily fill the void of absent love from your parents without getting attached so that you wouldn’t get hurt. And though the act was unconscious—you’d never actually taken the time to understand your behavior until the truth was staring you straight in the face now that you were willingly thinking about your past—you realized it was selfish. Though you couldn’t bring yourself to regret it—not when it brought you to this breathtaking boy.

“I–I’m sorry,” Jungkook finally spoke, his voice cracking at the seams through his soft and reverent tone. “Did you... did you find them?”

You shook your head, unable to tear your eyes away from his hand on yours. “I don’t even know if I would’ve wanted to, to be honest,” you admitted with a frown. “They were so fucked up, Jungkook. I think being out of that toxic household was the best thing for me.”

“But you were a child; did you stay with a relative or someone?”

“I didn’t have anyone,” you spoke with conviction, hating how weak your past made you seem. That was why you pushed it to the back of your mind; you wanted to feel strong. “And there was no way I was going to risk being put in foster care or some shit like that.”

“W-what about your grandmother?” Jungkook questioned hesitantly, seeming to be worried of coming off too pushy or prodding, though that couldn’t be further from the truth. “The one who left you the money?”

“I didn’t even know she was still alive,” you shook your head with a sigh, lifting the fingers of your other hand to play with his in your palm. Your stomach fluttered and heart sung with each grazing touch. “I hadn’t seen her since I was little. My parents didn’t seem to care about who I was running around with so long as it got me off their hands, but when it came to our other family, they kept us cut off. I’m pretty sure it’s because they’d already severed whatever ties they had with their own family as well. My parents were a mess; nobody wanted to deal with them.”

Jungkook was quiet, solemn for a moment until: “So you... lived on your own?”

You nodded, silent at first before speaking along with the gesture. “More or less, yeah. I was on the streets a lot. Got a tent so I could sleep where I wanted.”

You felt Jungkook stiffen beneath your touch, seemingly mortified at that.

A gentle chuckle fell from your lips. “I didn’t mind that part too much; I was just happy to be away from them, and honestly? I liked being able to live life by my own terms on a whim. It felt like I could be truly free of them.”

There was a thinly veiled shudder that you felt rake its way through the freshman’s body. “I can’t imagine what that would feel like. My home life was so different.”

You turned to him then, knees nearly touching but not quite as you offered up a friendly smile. “What were your parents like?”

He froze up then—body and limbs turning to stone under the weighted pressure of the question, and for a moment you were worried you’d overstepped. Just because you told him about your past didn’t mean he was in any way obligated to tell you about his.

“S-sorry, I shouldn’t’ve–“

“N-no, it’s okay,” he was quick to reassure you with a wavering tone, though rather than uncertainty it seemed as if nerves were the cause. “If your parents were one extreme, then mine were on the complete opposite side of the spectrum,” he spoke after a deep breath and a nibble on his lower lip. “They were strict and put a lot of pressure on me from the time I was little—pressure to do well in school, pressure to make the family proud. They wouldn’t let me do anything if they thought it would distract me from my studies.“

You nodded thoughtfully. “I can see that—just from what you’ve mentioned briefly about your major and everything,” you quickly added. The last thing you wanted was for him to think you were assuming anything about his past—not when he was finally choosing to break down his walls bit by bit and slowly let you in. It was as if you could see the ice around his heart start to melt to the ground, like ice cream in the middle of the summer, and he was terrified. It was the most beautiful sight you’d ever seen. Honored didn’t even begin to describe how you felt.

He chewed on his bottom lip before deciding to speak again. “I have an older brother; Junghyun is his name. He’s in the army right now, but when we were younger he was the apple of my parents’ eye. He could do no wrong—perfect student, star athlete, everyone loved him.” He sat in silence for a moment, as if he was reliving the memories and pondering his thoughts. “Growing up, it felt like I was living in his shadow. Nothing I did was ever good enough—never as good as him, at least. I always had something to prove, and it always seemed like I was failing in their eyes.”

The frown adorning your features grew at this. It was no wonder Jungkook seemed so shy and always questioned himself, continuously asking why me? when you used to hint at your feelings towards him. His parents made him feel insecure, gave him an inferiority complex like he was never good enough in the face of others.

It broke your heart to know that this was how he saw himself when to you he was the most magnificent human being you’d ever met.

“Jungkook,” you grasped his hand a little tighter, gave it a squeeze that matched the squeeze of your heart at the action. “You have to know that’s not true.”

“I...” Jungkook trailed off, the words seeming to get caught in his throat as he gazed at you. Neither of you seemed to mind the stretch of silence that ensued as you stared into each other’s eyes. There were many unspoken words, so many emotions charged within the space between you that it was hard to breathe.

“They did it out of love,” he finally ripped his eyes away and lowered them to the floor, his words a mumble as if trying to convince himself of this as well. “I know this, of course; they’re hard on me because they just want what’s best for me and my future. But... it still affected me.” He glanced at you then, his cheeks suddenly turning a dusty rose. “Living such a sheltered life is part of the reason why I’d never... been with anyone before. Not even my... f-first kiss.”

You stared at him, floored. “Never?”

He just shook his head sheepishly, the spitting image of embarrassment as his face was now beet red.

You tried to keep your expression neutral so not to offend him; the last thing you wanted was to make him feel ashamed for his lack of experience. Yet you still couldn’t help but slightly widen your eyes. “Really? I mean– I wondered if that might be the case but I never would’ve thought I’d be right–“

His face blanched at your words, and you immediately regretted saying them. “That bad?” He eventually asked with a wince.

“No, god no are you kidding?” You chuckled in disbelief at the thought that he would ever doubt what was the best kiss of your life, though you forwent elaborating the meaning of your words in favor of continuing. “I’m just surprised, is all. You must’ve had girls lining up at your doorstep.”

Jungkook scrunched his nose, confusion etched onto his features. “Why would you think that?”

You gave him a look as if to say, really? And before you could control yourself your mouth kinda just—

“You’re beautiful.”

Jungkook looked as if he’d seen a ghost.

You wanted to take it back. The expression on his face made you feel as if you’d made a mistake, though as much as that tortured you, you knew you couldn’t. Because you meant it, had been thinking it since the very first moment you laid eyes on him, and god damn it, he deserved to hear it every second of every day.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to–“

You didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable. But the words got caught in your throat and strangled you speechless, because it was at that moment that a bright pink sprouted on the apples of Jungkook’s previously blanched cheeks and spread to the tips of his ears to match the shy smile that was spreading across his face, growing more and more until you saw the hint of teeth peaking behind his lips and his effort to hide the expression became futile.

Any time you were graced with his smile was a time you would not take for granted; the sight of it still stunned you to silence as you marveled at his beauty.

“I... I–I tend to keep to myself a lot,” Jungkook’s words started stumbling from his mouth before you had a chance to process everything that was happening, almost as if he was explaining himself, so you just sat there dazed in a trance while you watched. “I was the same way in high school. There wasn’t anyone I felt strongly enough to want to be with before–“

He stopped just as your heart rate spiked. You sat on the edge of your seat with bated breath, but Jungkook simply averted his gaze and nibbled on his bottom lip.

“Before what?” You tried to keep the desperation from your voice as you gently urged him to continue.

A gulp raked down Jungkook’s throat before he inhaled sharply and suddenly looked at you, the intense eye contact reminding you of the staring contest weeks ago and striking you to your core.

“Before you,” he finally finished.

And it was the last thing you heard before your lips were on his.

•••

Jungkook had never been so happy in his entire life.

His heart just felt so... full. He’d avoided Y/N after what Trip had told him because it hurt, hurt too much to imagine her with someone else but especially with the one person who was unavoidable, the one person he saw everyday and had no chance avoiding like he did the rest of the people on campus. At least with all of her other rumored fucks, he’d been able to distance himself. But with Trip, it made everything so... real. Jungkook now knew someone personally affected by Y/N’s actions; for some reason, that made things so much worse.

He knew he should’ve given her the benefit of the doubt. Jungkook used to jump to conclusions and make snap judgments about someone based on what others would say, but he’d gotten better about that with Y/N. It’s just that everything Trip said had brought back every insecurity and fear he’s ever had about Y/N—that he would let himself fall for her and ultimately end up just another name on the long list of men who had wished for something more. Every guy she’s been with had been smitten; what made him so different that she pursued him? Maybe she just liked the chase. He was just foolish if he believed that a few tutoring sessions made him more special than the men she partied with on a daily basis.

And so that’s why his defense mechanism had instinctively kicked in—to protect himself from getting hurt. But he knew it was too late. He cared too much at this point. The pain of ignoring her was almost as bad as the pain of Trip’s words, and that’s why he was like putty in her hands the second he saw her waiting on his doorstep. He knew he wouldn’t be able to resist her. But the thought of her with his roommate, with the only person he was physically forced to see until the end of the year, still hurt more than he was willing to admit. He just didn’t know what to do, so he did what he knew best; he fled.

But then Y/N confessed to having feelings for him—actual feelings that didn’t involve himself just being a quick fuck, he desperately hoped—and his entire world flipped upside down. Certainly he had heard her wrong, right? It couldn’t have been that he was wrong about her motives from the very start? Or was he right about her initial motives, and her feelings for him simply changed as time went on? Or was she just lying to placate his pain in order to get in the position they were in now, with her hand in his hair and his lips on hers?

But then she did the unimaginable to take him by surprise yet again: she opened up to him about her past. And if there was one thing he knew about Y/N, it was that she didn’t do that. He could tell that not even her closest friends had been let in by her, and so when she started telling him about her parents and the awful childhood she’d had, Jungkook knew she was telling the truth about everything.

And suddenly it all made sense. All the rumors he’s ever heard, drugs and alcohol and stories of Y/N jumping from guy to guy without so much as a second glance—her past explained all of it.

He recognized the behavior signs as soon as she opened up and let him in; she was pushing people away, same as he was, only she was going about it in a much different way, because she lacked the familial love that Jungkook had growing up from his parents and brother no matter how hard they were on him. Jungkook couldn’t believe what his ears were hearing when Y/N told him of her past; no child should ever have to deal with that much abuse or emotional trauma, much less from their parents, the two people who were supposed to teach and give a child endless amounts of love and support. Y/N missed out on both in her childhood. Which explained why she would spend nights with random men, to temporarily fill the void without getting attached so she wouldn’t get hurt. It explained why she didn’t want to get close to people.

What it didn’t explain was why she was here with him.

If she didn’t do feelings, as she so hastily told him amidst her passion-fueled confession, then why did she have feelings for him? What was so special about him that set him apart from the other men who vied for her attention?

He couldn’t begin to unravel the complexity and intricacies that were her mind, but even if he could, he didn’t know if it would even matter. Because against all odds, it was he who she was consistently pursuing, he who she had feelings for. And though he didn’t understand it, he was too far gone, too selfish to want to question it at the moment. Especially since Jungkook had admitted aloud the one thing he was most terrified and insecure about when it came to being with Y/N: he had no experience. While this girl had been with more people than he even knew, he had been with no people whatsoever. He admitted this to her, and yet she didn’t care; she wanted to be with him anyway.

And so that was what fueled him forward, caused him to abandon all reservation and lean into the kiss and do what he truly wanted, what just felt right when it came to being with Y/N.

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and led with his heart.

•••

Somehow every second that you spent with Jungkook just got better and better.

Every kiss took your breath away, seemed infinitely better than the last; turns out your memory was worse than you thought, because when you thought your memory had done the sensation of his lips pressed against yours justice, you learned every time that it most certainly did not.

You could feel the tension and restraint that normally held Jungkook back physically melt until he was nothing but a puddle beneath your touch, the passion and love that was radiating from your being met with the mirroring emotions of his own until they fizzled and cracked between the two of you like a blazing fire and erupted your souls in an inferno that seemed to meld the two of you together as one.

There was something so much deeper happening beneath the surface while the two of you kissed; it was kismet, intangible, unstoppable. Which was why when you tugged on his hair as you had the very first time the two of you had ever made out and heard the very same moan that haunted your dreams ever since, there was no stopping you this time—no roommate to barge in, no signs of Jungkook making a run for the door. And it was when you felt the searing touch of Jungkook’s hand against your cheek, so gentle and soft and spreading like wildfire, you brought your leg over his as you had attempted to do previously in his desk chair and finally succeeded this time in settling atop his open lap.

The effect was instantaneous. Jungkook became a brick wall beneath you, having never been physically close to anyone in his life, though the audible moan that fell from your lips and onto his at the feeling of his body pressed against yours in ways that not even a hug could fulfill caused him to throw all caution to the wind.

He was putty, susceptible to all of your movements as you dug your fingers deeper into his scalp, his hands giving away just how flustered and overwhelmed he must’ve felt in this moment before they flew to settle on the fabric covering your hips.

It took everything in you not to devour him right then and there, but you somehow managed to break the kiss. Heavy breaths filled the confined space between you as both of your chests rose and fell with panting, physically and emotionally and mentally teetering on the edge. Though in reality, the two of you hadn’t gone far at all. Not by your usual standards, at least. But somehow, it felt like you’d gone farther than ever before.

“Is this okay?” Your voice was faint, a breathless murmur against his lips as you rested your forehead on his and gazed deeply into the eyes that seemed to consume your heart and soul in one glance.

He looked up at you as well, expression bewildered yet somehow blown out with lust in a way that shot straight to your core. For a moment you worried that this was too much for him. Hell, this was almost too much for you, and you’d straddled countless laps in your lifetime. The connection between the two of you was so strong that it was overwhelming, almost too overwhelming—which was why you were in need of proper breaks before your head exploded—and you were afraid that it would scare him off.

Though your heart leapt to heights unknown when he gently nodded his head. There was a soft smile that crept onto the corners of his lips, one that made your expression burst into elation, and he was eventually opening his mouth.

“Y-yes.”

His voice was hoarse when he spoke, and you moved your hands from his hair down the length of his neck until you were cradling his cheek, your thumb swiping over the supple skin of his breathtaking face. You could tell that he was getting in his own head the longer you remained apart, had learned enough about reading his facial expressions and body language by now to know that him biting his lower lip was never a good sign, which was why as soon as his consent was granted you leaned down to place a soft, reassuring kiss on the tip of his nose before giving into your desires and replacing his teeth with your own on his plump bottom lip like you’ve always wanted to.

Jungkook hissed with an inhale of surprise, his hands tightening and fingers digging into your waist, and your hips involuntarily rocked against his in reaction to the sensation as your tongue slipped past his parted lips and tasted the caverns of his mouth.

And god, you could get drunk off his taste.

He was sweeter, so much sweeter than you ever thought possible, and the sensation of his tongue pressed against your own was so addictive that you knew you would never need another illegal substance to get high again. Because this, this was much more dangerous than any drug you’ve ever had in your system.

His breath was already heavier than before in your mouth, if that was even possible, and the intoxicating heat caused your head to spin with a level of arousal you didn’t even know existed. His arousal was evident in his pants as well—you knew far too much about the male anatomy to ever misconstrue what that felt like—and the knowledge that you had actually given Jungkook an erection paired with the onslaught of bliss that was currently inflicted on your body was almost too much for your poor heart to handle. You couldn’t imagine what Jungkook must be feeling given that everything, not just the emotional nirvana that you were experiencing, was new to him. And despite the desire that you were feeling, the urge to take care of him and make him feel safe through all of this was much, much stronger.

You halted your movements before you got carried away in favor of gazing down at his big brown eyes that always made your heart clench. The way your breath mingled together was ecstasy.

“Let me know if you want to stop,” you spoke to him with as soothing of a tone as you could manage given the fact that your pussy was throbbing. You wanted him to trust you.

Despite the broken kiss, the heavy rise and falls of your chests prohibited the rest of your body from staying still, and so your hips ever-so-slightly rolled against his like a docked ship would float at port. It was more of an after-effect, really, though it was enough to leave your thoughts a jumbled mess. So many emotions clouded your senses and kept you from thinking straight, and so when he nodded again and showed no signs of stopping you, you led with your heart instead of your head and leaned forward until his back was propped against the headboard of his bed.

Your lips crashed together in the throes of unabashed passion, every feeling you’ve ever felt for one another cultivating to this catalyst of a moment in which there was no stopping, no coming back from. You didn’t know where your body stopped and his begun, but it didn’t matter either way because in this moment the only thing that you knew was Jungkook, Jungkook, Jungkook. His chest against yours, his hands on your hips, his dick pressing to your core—the sensation was stronger and more vivid through your layers of clothes than anything you’ve ever felt bare. And unless you heard his words of objection that would tumble your movements to a halt, there was no stopping the acts of lust and love that coursed through your veins with the fury of a thousand storms. This was what it felt like to be truly alive.

Jungkook was a mess of pleasured whimpers beneath you; you could tell he was trying to contain them against your mouth, though you weren’t sure why. These were the most beautiful, euphonious sounds you’d ever heard, even while muffled, and you just couldn’t help yourself from trailing a path of searing kisses down the heavenly muscle found on the side of his neck—a perfect column to drag your lips across, you soon found, and it also meant freeing his glorious sounds.

It was pure music to your soul. With each rock of your hips another breathless moan left the back of his throat, each one curling around the shell of your ear and making a home in the depths of your core that only fueled your movements forward, too far gone and wrapped up in the moment to ever dream of stopping. And when you felt his hips slowly start to buck up into yours as well to match the pace of your thrusts, you surely thought you’d died and gone to heaven.

“Jungkook,” you murmured in a blissful daze, already missing the taste of his lips after having been away from them for what felt far too long. Your tone was desperate, needy, though you couldn’t find it in yourself to care what with the way his grip tightened on your hips when your lips found his again.

He groaned against them, the sound muffled to your ears though your tongue swallowed it whole and you cradled his face with more tenderness and affection than you ever knew you were capable of mustering in such a heated and lustful moment. God, you never knew it was possible to feel this... good.

The feeling of his hardened length digging into your center as you pressed as close as humanly possible and rocked your hips caused your brain to short circuit, though you were way past the point of computing the sheer impossibility of everything that was happening. You’re pretty sure you were dreaming and having an out of body experience right now. Was this really Jungkook, the boy who could barely even speak when you first met and wouldn’t look you in the eyes? And if so, how did you get so fucking lucky as to be so intimately close to him this way?

You didn’t know, and frankly you didn’t possess the mental capacity to focus on it while Jungkook’s hips continued rutting in time with yours and creating an atomic bomb of ecstasy every time your centers met. You lost all sense of sanity when his head leaned back against the headboard with furrowed brows of pleasure and an open-mouthed moan. The sight was singlehandedly the hottest thing you’d ever seen.

“Oh god...” Jungkook huffed out between panting breaths, and you were torn between wanting to study his expression and burn it into memory with a branding iron or cover every inch of exposed skin with your lips. His eyes opened to look up at you beneath hooded lids, and when another breathy whimper fell from his lips you couldn’t help but dive back in to taste it.

“Wait, ah, Y/N–“ his lips parted only for endless moans and incoherent sounds that sounded a lot like your name to flood the the caverns of your mouth like a waterfall of euphoria, gushing and gushing until it was overflowing and spilling over the top–

Your ears were ringing with sounds more divine than a choir of angels, but it was only when you felt the new sensation of something wet and warm against your center that you paused long enough to look down between you. Your forehead rested against his, panting chests brushing one another with every harsh inhale as you took in the sight something dark spreading over the crotch of his pants.

Your breath hitched in your throat before you could stop it. Was that what you thought it was?

You glanced back up to see Jungkook’s eyes fluttering beneath closed lids, the life seeming to slowly seep back into him with every passing second. There was sweat covering the edge of his hairline and dampening the roots of his hair, and god, he looked so breathtakingly beautiful that it hurt.

You were wrong before, when you said that that was the hottest thing you’d ever seen. Because this—Jungkook beneath you with a dazed expression of sexual bliss after having just came in his pants because of you—this was by far the hottest thing of your entire life.

You smiled then; god he just looked so... so serene. You loved the thought that he felt so good, and you loved that you got to be the one to make him feel that way. Which was why you couldn’t help yourself when you leaned down to pepper gentle, soothing kisses to every inch of his adorable face. You’d wanted to be this close to him for so long, and it was finally happening. Happy didn’t even begin to describe how you felt; you were higher than cloud nine.

When Jungkook finally came to, you felt his expression physically shift beneath your lips—first came shock, then mortification, then regret.

“O-oh my god, I’m—I’m so sorry–“

And it was before you could even open your mouth to reassure him everything was alright that he scrambled out from under you and bolted off the bed.

“No, it’s oka–“

“You should go.” He quickly turned his back to you and made his way to his dresser, sifting frantically through the clothes. Whether he was actually looking for a particular article of clothing or just wanted to keep busy and avoid you, you’ll never know.

“Jungkook–“

“Please.”

He turned to look at you then, and the furrowed brows and frown of sheer desperation on his features was so strong that it looked as he was about to cry. And though it absolutely broke your heart to see him this distraught, you knew he needed you to listen to him. He needed you to leave.

Your attempt to swallow the lump in your throat was futile as you nodded your head and got to your feet. You would do as he asked, of course you would—but there was no way in hell you were leaving him to beat himself up over this.

He kept his back to you, face and neck and ears the color of tomatoes, though you approached him anyways and slowly put a hand to his shoulder.

“Please don’t worry, Jungkook... I promise it’s okay.” You curled your arms around him then, slowly and carefully so not to scare him off when you felt him stiffen beneath your touch. “That—that was the best experience of my life.”

And though you were beyond sheepish to admit such deep feelings aloud, you would do it tens times over if it meant giving Jungkook the confidence he needed. The look of pure bewilderment on his expression as he whipped his head around to look at you was well worth it. He thought you were crazy, you knew he did. But that didn’t make your words any less true.

When it was evident he wasn’t going to reply you smiled softly, reassuringly, before sliding your hand from his shoulder to his face to cradle his cheek in your palm. The spark of electricity was still there at the lightest of touches despite how close you’d just been, though this time you tried to ignore it in favor of leaning in and pressing your lips to his one last time.

His jaw was still slack from your previous words and his lips remained unmoving beneath the feathery kiss, too stunned from your touch to do anything, but you didn’t mind. Whatever he was battling with internally, you would let him deal with it however he saw fit, so long as he didn’t question where you stood. So what if he finished prematurely in his pants from solely dry humping? It didn’t matter because it was him—hotter even so because of it. And you would use your last dying breath making him understand that if that’s what it took.

He didn’t move from his position as you backed away and gave him a reluctant parting wave on your way out the door. As much as you didn’t want to leave him like this, you knew it’s what he wanted, so you were going to respect that.

After all, it wouldn’t be for long. There’s no way he was getting rid of you that easily.

#jungkook smut #jungkook fanfic #jungkook fic #jungkook fanfiction #bts fanfic

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blouisparadise · 4 years

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Although most of us aren’t able to go on vacation at the moment, we hope this rec list will make everyone feel a bit better than that. Upon request, here is a rec list of bottom Louis fics where Harry, Louis, or both boys go on vacation at some point during the fic. Happy reading!

1) This Is Where I Sleep | Explicit | 3678 words

Harry and Louis go camping while on break and make some memories.

2) Under the Vanilla Sky | Explicit | 8006 words

Who the hell wears a hat like that on a yacht? That's one of the things Louis thinks when he sees Harry from across the deck of the most expensive, ridiculous boat he's ever been on. He also thinks he'd like to get closer. Just to see what's under those aviators. Just to verify that, yes, in fact, those white swim trunks might be a little see-through when wet. Just to see if someone could really be that hot in real life. On a yacht. In the Caribbean sea just off the coast of St. Barts.

Here's what really happened on that yacht.

Or, my opinion, at least.

3) Rather This Than Live Without You | Explicit | 10715 words

Harry decides to give it all up. Louis refuses to be left behind.

4) Ready To Run | Explicit | 11940 words

After being left at the alter by his boyfriend of five years, Louis goes on a vacation to try and clear his head and fill the empty spaces in his heart. On the way, he meets a new group of life-long friends, and maybe a little more than that.

5) I Know You Have A Heavy Heart (I Can Feel It When We Kiss) | Explicit | 14489 words | Sequel

In which Louis is spending New Year’s alone in France but he’s definitely not running away, and Harry is a french florist with an ever present smile who cares a lot. They meet a cold night in the outskirts of Paris.

6) Don’t Put Out The Glow | Not Rated | 15007 words

"He fists out a pair of skinny jeans and a plain black tee. Nothing wrong there. Then he sees an atrocious Hawaiian shirt in Zayn’s hand and he starts digging through the bag urgently, pulling out more and more items that don’t belong to him."

7) Pleasure Over Matter | Explicit | 152014 words

Harry is a bit out of his element, and an unsuspecting stranger provides him temporary relief.

8) All I Want Is To Fall With You | Mature | 16254 words

The weekend ski trip where omega Louis discovers that he can’t change a tire and his skiing skills are debatable but still manages to find the alpha who will change his life.

9) Some Flowers In Your Hair | Explicit | 23015 words

A magical camping AU in which Louis is jealous of Harry's magic, Liam's a little too enthusiastic about surviving in the wilderness, and Niall might have misunderstood the rules.

10) Force of Nature | Mature | 25672 words

Louis is a shy, young musician who doesn't want to go to Harvard.

Harry is a confident, second year athlete who likes to have a good time.

When their paths cross while their families are vacationing at the same lake resort, what begins as a summer of fun becomes a defining journey that might just change everything.

11) A Trail Of Honey Through It All | Explicit | 27085 words

The boy in front of him, well really, the man in front of him, was like something out of a confusing wet dream. Built, tall, tan and muscular, his skin glistened with sweat after a long day of working outdoors with his hands. He was wearing a cut up old American football shirt, the bottom hem was torn and the sleeves were cut off to the point where the t-shirt was really just a loose tank top. The shorts he had on had clearly been full length jeans at one point, and were now just crudely cut off above the knee. His white socks were pulled up too high on his calves, and the brown work boots he had on were old as fuck, the leather peeling along the edges of the soles. Curly brown hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards snapback, and there was a smudge of grease wiped along his brow bone. The smattering of hair along his jaw proved that he hadn’t shaved in a week or two, the hair growing in thicker across his upper lip and around his chin. His sinfully bowed mouth was pink and plump, and Louis was suddenly hyper-focused on the way that he chewed at the toothpick stuck between his lips. He looked like he needed a shower. Louis wanted to lick him.

12) Rivers ‘Til I Reach You | Explicit | 29315 words

AU. Louis studies astronomy; Harry studies Louis. They spend their summers on the water and it shouldn't be complicated (spoiler: it is).

13) The List | Mature | 32094 words

'In the weeks that follow, Harry opens his old journal more than he has in the past two years each time he remembers Venice or thinks about Louis. He always flips to the same random page in the middle of the book, marked by the picture of himself that Louis sent him a few days after they got home. There’s a message on the back that says, ‘Spontaneous looks good on you! See you soon,’ and it makes Harry’s chest warm each time he reads it. He wedges their list out from between the worn pages, and it feels silly staring down at a folded up piece of paper with a strange sense of nostalgia for experiences they’ve yet to have; for places they’ve never even been.'

14) (Your Heartbeat) Rang True Inside My Bones | Explicit | 32945 words

Harry goes as Louis' date for a weekend wedding. He ends up taking the role a bit too seriously.

15) Let Me Feel Your Heartbeat | Explicit | 34572 words

Harry is 98% sure Louis hates him. So he feels like his bewilderment is justified when the omega offers to help him through his rut.

16) And Touch Me Like You | Explicit | 35971 words

The one where Harry and Louis agree to be each other's New Year's kiss and it ends up being a lot more than they bargained for.

17) A Red-Dusted Planet | Explicit | 38265 words

A one-night stand in a small town in Australia turns into a weekend that Harry could've never predicted with a boy he may never forget.

18) A Rhythm In Rush | Explicit | 40010 words

Harry is a WWF journalist with big dreams and Louis is a glaciologist that flies helicopters for fun. Greenland is an odd place to spend Christmas, but just maybe, the perfect place to fall headfirst into love.

19) Nobody Does It Like You | Not Rated | 58520 words

Louis isn't looking for a home, but he finds one in Harry.

20) Waiting For The Tides To Meet | Explicit | 59873 words

Soulmate AU. Everyone is born with heterochromia — one eye is their own eye colour, while the other is the colour of their soulmate's. It's only when they meet their soulmate for the first time that their own eyes match properly. After a hazy night at a frat party, Louis wakes up to blue eyes and the shocking realization that he had met his soulmate, without any sober recollection. Seven years pass where Louis comes to terms with the fact that he'll never know who his soulmate is. Then one fated summer, a beautiful green-eyed photographer arrives at Louis' workplace, with promises of endless laughter and a familiar feeling in Louis' heart.

21) Tug-Of-War | Explicit | 63000

Louis' husband dies suddenly and he is left with nothing. Well, not really nothing. He has Harry. And a St. Bernard puppy named Link, whom his late husband left behind for him. Louis takes care of Link and Harry takes care of Louis. Everything is okay until suddenly, it isn't.

22) This Wicked Game | Explicit | 70010 words

An AU in which The Bachelor is gay, Louis is a contestant, Harry is the bachelor, everyone drinks a lot of champagne, the entire world gets to watch them fall in love, and no one plays by the rules.

23) Don’t Tell the Gods (We Left a Mess) | Explicit | 71556 words

After a misunderstanding with Liam’s mother, Louis agrees to accompany his best friend to a family wedding and pretend to be the world’s best boyfriend. But their simple plan goes awry when he learns that Harry, ex-boyfriend/ex-love of Louis’ life, will also be in attendance. (aka: fake!boyfriends with a twist ft. bromance, romance and cake.)

24) Perfect Storm | Explicit | 80230 words

What do you do when your best friend asks you and your (now) ex to be the best men at his destination wedding? You can either tell him the truth, tell him you’re not together anymore, and deal with the consequences, or you can pretend you’re still together and roll with it, just pray you don’t spiral. Fake it ‘til you make it. You know, for the sake of the wedding.

Harry and Louis choose the latter.

25) Nothing Worsens, Nothing Grows | Explicit | 102528 words

Another roadtrip au featuring Harry as the misunderstood hipster, Louis as the bitter psych major, Liam as the one with the secret boyfriend, and Niall as the one who just wants everyone to be happy.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

#bottom louis #top harry #vacation au #fic recs #blp #blp fic recs #larry

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hitsuackerman · 4 years

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What in the World? (Akaashi Keiji x Reader) pt.2

Here is part 2 of WINTW? :D Enjoy!

Akaashi’s lineup: @alluring-akaashi @oikawalmart-hq @extrasugafree @bbykiyoomi @apricotjihyo @colorseeingchick @something-that-idk

links: part 1

It had been a week since you found yourself stranded in practically another dimension. The research bore very little fruit and you were sure that you were stuck in this situation. But, the feeling of not having to be cautious of the League of Villains or Yakuza was something you loved. Heck, you even decided to buy a house plant to make sure you could still practice your quirk.

It had been a few days since you agreed to become a trial manager to the volleyball club. Everything was going smoothly till a faulty chance ball was now aiming towards you. With no option to use your quirk, your mind went blank as your feet turned to stone. Yet the ball never made contact.

How did you end up here in the first place?

Oh right. Now you remember.

During the weekend, you told your other-mother that you would be taking a trip down memory lane. When asked where you planned on going, she was not expecting your answer to be your supposed previous school. Still, she simply nodded and prayed for your safety.

The teacher wasn’t kidding when she said it was far. It practically took 2 hours to reach Musutafu. Even then, things were still different. There were no high rise buildings with fancy floating signages, no agencies, and no sign of small time criminals wasting their time. Your heart sunk even more when the sight of the UA building was different. The four connected buildings were replaced with a modern looking academy. Similar to Fukurodani.

Showing your old ID, the guard let you enter.

In theory, your classroom should be on the 2nd floor. Luckily, it was the weekend so only those with supplementary classes were present. When you saw the small 2-A, you carefully peaked through the crack on the door to see if anybody was present. Judging by how the students were seated on their desks, it was safe to fully open the doors.

“(y/n)?!” The face ever present in your social media posts. Akiko. That was definitely her. Black hair, chubby, and a smile that could rival Deku’s, it pained how you knew nothing of her. “Oh my gosh! You’re actually here!”

“Couldn’t resist not visiting you two~” Safe response.

“How are things at your new academy?” Asami. Light brown hair, small voice, but definitely pretty was the one who spoke next. “Fukurodani right?”

Sitting on the desk beside Akiko, you huffed and wondered if the way you were acting was similar to how they were used to. Judging by their eager faces, it was safe to assume that you were doing things right. Maybe being yourself wasn’t too scary. Opting not to let your guard down, you merely shrugged.

“The week’s been unique.” It really was. “The subjects aren’t too far off from what we have here. And I got a flier from a 3rd year. Said something about being a manager for some club. Volleyball, I think.”

If there was one thing your dimension didn’t have, it was quirkless sports. Of course normal sports existed but living in a world where the majority possessed quirks, it would be a lie if you said you remembered the last time you played a sport for real.

“Never knew you were into sports, (y/n)...” Akiko commented as she rested her chin on her palm.

“She’s probably in it for the guys.” Asami teased and nudged your elbow. “The Owls are rather strong in the Japanese volleyball world. Have you seen their captain? I heard he’s a wild one.”

“In the sheets or on the court?” You clapped back.

“Oooh now we’re going somewhere!” The light brown hair girl seemed to enjoy gossip about boys. “Do tell us when you see him! I heard he’s as beefy as wagyu can get.”

“Ew.” If there was a beefy person in your mind, it would have to be All Might. Yet the mere thought of adoring his muscles made you want to gag. Still, being with these two women was quite fun despite only knowing them for a couple of minutes. “I’ll video call. After class.”

“So how’s you and Toshi?”

Toshi? Who the hell is Toshi? This person was not in any of your accessible socials or even messages. Not sure what to do, you looked away.

“Mimi.” Akiko quietly scolded your new friend. “Don’t remind her.”

Oh gods was this… It would definitely make sense. Whoever this Toshi was only meant that he was an ex. Damn it all for making things more complicated. Thinking that you should play dumb, you huffed and pouted.

“I have no idea who that Toshi is.”

“Can’t blame you though. It was almost as if he adored the sport more than you.” Asami nodded as she thought out loud. “Plus it was quite a bit of a shocker that you two were seeing each other. Damn those men at Shiratorizawa.”

Shira-what? Why were school names so complicated in this prefecture?

“Damn them indeed.” Standing up, you glanced at your watch and decided it was time for the long trip back home. “Anyway, I’ll call you two tomorrow since it’ll be my first day as a trial manager.”

“Always go for the setter, (y/n).” Akiko teased before you closed the door on her.

And that’s where you found yourself now. Arms crossed out in front of you in a lame attempt to shield yourself from a chance ball they failed to get inside the court. Yet the game must continue and the player whose jersey number was 5 seemingly protected you.

Sure you found Todoroki Shoto hot. Katsuki was definitely high up there too. Kirishima and his manliness? Plus points. But the sight of a quirkless volleyball athlete, whose toned stomach peaked through his shirt as he floated in air to toss the ball back to his spiker was something else. The way he landed smoothly and ran back to the battle field made your jaw drop.

“You’ll have to get used to that.” Yukie whispered as she watched you gawking at the setter. “These boys just love the sport.”

Her words flowed in and out of your ears. That was Akaashi. No doubt. There was no mistaking the same gunmetal blue eyes that met yours during the first day of your class.

“HEY! HEY! HEY!” The salt and pepper player exclaimed. His fists pumping the air as he radiated happiness. “D’yu see that spike Aghaashi?! Pretty cool right? Right?”

“It was amazing, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi replied with a deadpan face.

Aghaashi? If he was allowing that hyper 18 year old to call him that, they must be close. Your thoughts were cut when the group of men approached you and Yukie. Even in this world you were surrounded by freakishly tall men.

“So whatcha think, (y/n)-chan?” Bokuto asked as he wiped his forehead. His chest still heaving from the game. Asami wasn’t kidding when she said beefy. If anything, he really was a meal. But, your eyes lingered more on the person beside him.

“That was pretty intense~” You had to admit. Seeing a sport without the usage of quirks was rather thrilling. “I might take up the offer, Bokuto-senpai~”

“YOSHH!!” It looked as if he was about to tackle you into a hug but once again, no.5 was there to the rescue.

“Don’t forget that you’re still sweating, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi scolded the captain whose face contorted into one with sadness. Bowing as an apology, you shrugged it off. Being hugged by sweaty men was nothing new. You would have to blame Kiri and Denki for that. “Are you alright? The ball almost hit you awhile ago.”

‘With the view you gave me? Hell yeah.’ Shaking the thoughts away, you simply shrugged and smirked.

“It’s all part of the game. My reflexes were off so, it’s all fair.”

“In that case, I look forward to your decision, (l/n)-san.” He bowed and tailed the rest of the group towards the locker room. His features showing nothing as his senpai teased him about how the both of you knew each other.

“No need to worry about the captain.” Kaori assured you. A gentle smile resting on her freckled face. “He’s like a 10 year old, honestly. But, Akaashi-san is there to tame him so, it’s all balanced.”

‘I’ve handled an exploding pomeranian. An owl would be much easier.’ Smirking at your thoughts, the two girls ushered you towards the bench where you were to sign some club papers. Once your signature was printed, the two of them formally welcomed you to the small nest.

Now that practice was over, the team had just finished mopping the floors while a few of them still kept tossing on the other court. Picking up the balls, you wondered how exact their estimations had to be to score. Picturing how Bokuto managed to hit the ball just inches away from the line showed his control over physics.

“(y/n)-chan!” You turned around to be met by golden eyes and an inviting hand. “Why not show us what you got!”

“You don’t really have to, (l/n)-san.” Akaashi spoke up as well. In his hands rested a ball. His eyebrows jerked when he saw a playful smirk on your face.

“I may be small but I ain’t that weak, Akaashi-san~” It was not intended but your tone was rather flirty and you were not sure how you felt about that. In some strange way, Mineta was rubbing off on you. Damn. You needed to spend more time with Yaomomo. “I’m not really good at it though.”

“D’yu know the basics?” Bokuto asked with such a giddy expression. When you nodded, he stole a teasing look at his childhood friend. “You think you can spike baby owl?”

“I guess if you show me, I can attempt.” Replaying the amount of times you used your quirk, there was probably enough juice for you to manipulate matter around you to land a spike. If this was a chance to practice whatever was left of your quirk, so be it.

“ALRIGHT!” Bokuto jumped as he readied himself. “Akashi! Toss to me!”

“It’s ‘Akaashi’ Bokuto-san.” He met your eyes. “Would you mind throwing the ball up for me?”

“Not at all~” Because he was beside you, he handed you the ball. The moment your fingertips touched his, your breath hitched. It must have been your hormones but you felt an electrical spark. You could feel the heat traveling to your cheeks as well. “Just, uh, give me a sign.”

When Bokuto gave him the go signal, he faced you and nodded. Tossing the ball in his direction, you watched as his eyes followed the floating ball. Almost delicately, the ball landed on his fingertips and immediately tossed it back to his captain. It was quick but the next thing you heard was the sound of the ball hitting the floor.

“That’s how it’s done, baby owl!” Bokuto gave you a thumbs up. “Your turn!”

Heading to his starting point, you focused all of your quirk to your arms and feet. Regulating your quirk was nothing new so the faint glow was nothing to be too worried about. Besides, the gym’s hideous lighting was enough to cover it up. Was this considered cheating? Probably. Not like they knew about quirks anyway~

Giving Akaashi the signal, he waited for Bokuto to toss him the ball. For half a second, he stared as to where you were heading and just how high were you willing to jump. Upon realizing that you were attempting to jump as high as his senpai, he obliged and tossed it with the same amount of strength and precision he usually gives for Bokuto.

With the help of your quirk, the people in the gym felt as if you were floating on air before hitting the ball. The form you held was outstanding and the way the ball bounced off the ground till it hit the school’s logo was impressive.

“WAAAH?!!!” Bokuto practically grabbed Akaashi by his arm and dragged him all the way to you. “DO YOU PLAY? WAS THAT YOUR FIRST TIME? THAT WAS HELLA AWESOME BABY OWL!”

“He’s right.” Akaashi finally pulled himself free from his friend and fixed his shirt. “Who taught you?”

Knowing the perfect reason, you smiled. If Shiratorizawa was as famous as they were, it would be quite interesting to see their reaction.

“My ex taught me.” Gods that sounded weird, even for you.

“Ehhh? Your ex must be good if he managed to teach you that spike~” Bokuto thought out loud. “What school does he go to, (y/n)-chan?”

“Shiratorizawa.” This was getting all too funny. You were never an actress but the way you handled the situation was something you would never forget. The audible gasps of everyone in the room was fun and worth it. “I don’t talk to him anymore, though.”

“Who?” One of the third years asked.

“Ushijima.” You were more than thankful you took the time to painstakingly research all about this unknown ex.

“USHIWAKA?!” The two managers exclaimed in unison.

“Yeah. But it didn’t really last long.” And you had no idea why. “Differences were too much, I guess.”

“Why weren’t there any pictures of the both of you?” Koari asked. Her eyes wide with curiosity and cheeks tainted pink at the new found information.

“Ya’ll know how he is. He wasn’t the type to just take selfies or shit.” Was this really the reason though? You didn’t even have his number anymore. If you had known you dated a volleyball celebrity, you never would’ve took the managerial offer. Still, you would have to give credit where credit was somewhat due. “He was sweet though. I’ll have to admit.”

“How long were you guys an item, (y/n)-chan?” Bokuto asked, his arm now draped on Akaashi’s shoulder.

“Probably a few weeks at most.” That was the safest answer you could go for. Curse your ‘emotions’ for having to delete every single information you had on this Ushijima guy. Still, you were thankful for the break up otherwise things would have been a bit more awkward. “But, ey, the past is past.”

“Who would’ve known baby owl’s type was the likes of Ushiwaka~”

Stoic guys were no big deal knowing Todoroki was there to train you. And it’s not like the people in this world had severe background issues. In a way, it made you happy knowing none of these people experienced what heroes go through.

When the gym was now closed, you were now walking the streets. It still did not sink in. The reality of being in a different dimension with no one knowing who you were. You had already made a few friends and acquaintances here and there but the feeling of emptiness still lingered.

Staring at your palm, you activated your quirk just to see if the amount you used had been milked dry. Surprisingly, a small tug was still there along with a barely visible glow. Placing your hand in your pocket, you let your thoughts wander once more.

Passing by a convenience store, you decided it was time for you to build a deeper foundation with your other-mother. Entering, you searched for the chocolates aisle. The selection was nothing like you’ve seen before. Different labels with unheard of brands littered the shelves. You recalled your other-mother eating a piece but the wrapper had already been discarded.

“Great. Not even the fucking chocolates are the same here.” You complained to yourself.

“You have different chocolates in Musutafu?”

Oh shit.

Looking at the source of the familiar voice, your fingers felt numb and you could feel the heat traveling to your cheeks again. Putting your hand in your pocket, you activated your quirk and felt relaxed once more.

“Uh, somewhat?” Why did this man who smelled a bit of sweat and deodorant have to be so beautiful? He could definitely rival Tododorky in your opinion. But, you digress. Both Todoroki and Akaashi were beautiful in their own way. “Just some unfamiliar brands.”

“Do you need help in choosing, (l/n)-san?” Akaashi asked as he took one bar and read the ingredients.

“What chocolates do mother’s like?”

“If she isn’t fond of overly sweet ones,” He placed the bar back and took another one. “This’ll do it.”

Walking towards the counter, you eyed his purchase. It was an onigiri. Probably for his dinner. Once you were handed your change, he opened the door for you. Him and his gestures were something you were slowly liking.

“So where are you heading?”

Looking at the same direction, your silent invitation to walk home together was accepted. Getting to know him more was somewhat similar to Shinso back in your dimension. Both of them preferred silence and though Shinso was rather edgy during the first few days in the hero course, you were happy when his shell slowly broke down. Though Akaashi was taller by a few inches, you guessed.

When you finally arrived at your house, you bowed and said farewell. For a moment, you saw how he stared at you. Almost as if he were reading you like a limited edition book he had been saving for. Realizing that he was staring a bit too long, he finally returned your act and bid farewell.

Though it wasn’t too long. After a few steps, he turned and went towards the door.

“Holy quirks…”

How did you miss it? Why did this dimension allow you to be neighbors with such a pretty setter? You could feel it. Things were only going to get much worse.

And it did.

Just when you opened the doors to your room, you went to the window and peaked through the curtains. Just a few inches to the right, you saw another window, one with the lights on. Pointing your finger, you slowly pushed the curtain and saw a bed.

As if on cue, a familiar ball of raven hair landed on the bed. The same jacket you saw just a few minutes ago clear as the crack could offer.

“Ah shit…”

Shit indeed.

- - - - -

a/n: so hows chapter 2 :) ? feel free to message me your thoughts and comment if you’d want to be added to Akaashi’s lineup! :) take care and see ya’ll in the next upload <3

#akaashi x reader #akaashi keiji x reader #haikyuu x reader #akaashi x y/n #just a hint of fluff

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jadestrange · 3 years

Text

Death.. it’s not what you think

I don’t know why but ever since I was a child I was soulfully drawn to a character in a drama series I’m to embarrassed to mention the name - She said somehow she’d always known she would die young and indeed she did.

Ever since I’ve never really managed to let it go. I contemplated death from an incredibly young age and I’ve never really known why. No one close to me had even ever died when I was a child, yet death and the concept of the non-existence was constantly on my mind.

I recall for some reason I always thought about it every time we would drive through this one curve of the road near my grandparents home that would trigger it. Every time they drove past it on the way to drop me off at home I would immediately imagine non-existence, something I possibly couldn’t grasp. For some reason “nothingness” terrified me.

Death seems to be motif throughout my life, but to an abnormal degree. Ever since I could cognitively dream, I had only and ONLY had lucid nightmares. I was aware. But never fully in control. If I screamed, my voice disappeared. If ran I’d move in slow motion. If I covered my eyes from gore or horror my hands and eyelids would turn transparent. I think about the age of 5/6 I finally managed to gain enough control to do one thing and one thing alone…Kill myself

It was the only escape. The simulated pain of death within a dream was much more bearable than the nightmares themselves - even though I experienced genuine pain while doing it sometimes.

One time in particular there was nothing to kill myself with. No tall building. No bridge. No water. No knife. Nothing…

but a wall

So I ran

over

and over

smashing my face into my wall - until I woke up.

I felt it all

In fact recently I had a similar lucid nightmare.

The problem with lucid dreams is that the deeper you go the more real and tactical they feel... and the more you feel.

I often recall ever tactical piece of physical items in my dreams, analyzing them with my hands and fingertips in awe, amazement and sometimes fear at how real they felt. There was no physical telling in the difference between the dream and reality itself. Only the conscious tells whether it is or isn’t a dream - normally due to the absurdity of their nature.

In this Dream people or things were chasing me. Fear pure fear. I don’t know why. But all I knew was that THAT emotional pain was so unbearable that the risk of the pain of jumping headfirst off a bridge was worth it. I took a moment, feeling the scratchy grit of the cold metal poles of the bridge railings inside my sweaty palms. ‘This felt real’ I knew it. ‘But I had to’, it was the only way to escape. I was no longer in the lucid state of being able to control my environment only myself. I had to fight every instinct any real person would jumping head first into the low ground, the only difference was that little shred of hope - that maybe - just maybe I would wake up from the impact before I could feel anything.

I wonder if that’s what people who jump off buildings think as they’re falling down and there’s no turning back - that maybe - just maybe - they’ll die before they feel any true pain.

I paused writing this. A sudden chilly reminder came over me of a boy who momentary lost his sanity and indeed jumped head first down the stairs and indeed died. My friend saw it... I just felt a memory of a dream doing the same thing. That was weird.. I’m moving on

So right death. Another theme I carry is the need to resolve things with everyone and anyone I have encouraged to the point that it is either annoying or maddening for other people.

I guess I felt and still feel like I’m in a perpetual awareness of my death possibly arriving on tomorrows door.

Or perhaps I just want to feel lighter, because everything else, all the hidden things were too heavy to carry on their own. Like a camel’s back I could handle no straw - or more yet not even a feather.

I guess that makes me rather pathetic in other people’s eyes. But perhaps those are normally the eyes of someone who has not felt that weight.

I’m aware that a kg/ton of feathers is the same as a kg/ton of straws ( a metaphor for different the forms of pain if you didn’t catch that) - but how strong are the camel’s legs? How wounded are they? How well nourished were they since they were born? Are they loved or lashed?

Perhaps the weight may seem the same to outsiders eyes however - how it feels internally cannot be seen but merely felt by those who themselves have experienced it or at least something very similar.

I think I have a very confusing and troubling relationship with Death. On one side it always made me aware of the appreciation of my existence (the physical world, emotions, senes, conceptualization)

But on the other side it always came with an impending sense of constant pressure to fulfill my deeds and “pay my debt” in some sense. perhaps that’s not the right way to say it. More like “do the best I can” you know? Leave your mark on the world, give something back, make a positive impact as your farewell.

Which could either be unrealistic or perhaps it is just my assumption how grander that impact has to be. Something big. Something that says “The carbon footprint left by this one was worth it” haha.

Is that silly? Is that normal? Do other people feel this way or is everyone right about me? That I put too much pressure on myself.

Which too within itself seems to be a contradiction since society itself, friends, family, work, reputation, sustainability all requires pressure.

Some say I over think. While I think others under think.

Which is funny - considering I once had a lectuer tell me I was under thinking a script concept when in reality he was under thinking and unwilling to assume it had any more nuances or complexities that was an incredibly difficult topic to tackle.

It’s funny how sometimes you can seem stupid when you try explain something complex because the jargon and general context / information you’ve build up over time seems so obvious to you. Without that context your explanations can become muddled - since they would require a lot of time to give the context.

Quantum Physics for example. I remember trying to explain the concept to my friends in high school. It seemed… crazy - ridiculous - stupid - pseudo. In a strange retaliation my ex BFF went to the science teacher and queued it to come back to our group to tell me I was wrong (after we all agreed to have dropped it by the way).

I of course responded “Yes because a person who’s literally only studied a high school’s equivalent of physics would have the knowledge of a field way beyond her years and degree”

Eh.. School. Not so much friends. More just the people you settle for. Looking back all my relationships were pretty toxic - aside from one. I wrongfully teased my one friend for having hairy legs once and I still feel really bad about it today, in fact I messaged her a few years ago about it saying sorry.

But what the rest did to me… was.. ah.. definitely not on the same scale. I was betrayed a lot.

I got use to betrayal from a young age. Families seem to think it’s funny to undermine things that are important to children. It’s like they seek joy from it, I think they think it’s fun for the kids but it’s not.

Having your secrets shared between your family and laughed at as a child is.. betrayal. Being neglected, left in unsafe or unhealthy hands, unjustifiably disciplined … physically disciplined - are all betrayals.

I got accustomed to it. Silence was the way. Never tell anyone anything. People don’t help you anyway. In fact they often use it against you. Or worse undermine your pain.

It was strange.. I was clearly bullied. Yet I was the one who got sent to a shitty - oh lets just distract you for a bit but not really do anything- school councilor.

Death… mm. death death death. I understand the contemplation at around the time I started school, but why when I was like little little? Why have I always been crushed so easily?

Why was I always a target?

Did I want pity? no.. maybe sometimes (not that THAT ever worked - but no mostly it is was genuine emotion and debilitating pain. Crying. Freezing. Hyper-ventilating.

I wonder if I did it to myself. Had I done something so outright bizarre that deemed my the school target? What it cause I was a year younger? Was the shame of teachers shouting at me due to my ADD in front of my class.

Or was I just Overly Empathetic? I remember my first day of school…. the teacher shouted at a girl next to me and I started crying - she in turned shouted at me for crying.

Despite being broke now I did have money as a kid. Not like the rich kids of the school but, I had lunch money. Maybe that was it. I shared it too often maybe?

Was I too honest? Too weird? Too much of a push over? It was everything I had every been taught to my by mother’s side of the family. The family I mostly grew up in.

It’s quite sad. My mom could write a way better book full of funny characters and bizarre relatives like a movie - all the drama - the comedy. She started writing - it was good too. But she was too tired from work and stopped.

I think it’s sad because my stories aren’t funny.. just sad. Maybe with some beautiful moments (although the best ones would be indescribable). I think hers would have been better. A story a woman overcoming a broken abusive family and poverty who worked her way to the top of owning her own company.

Inspiring.

While mine just feels like a bummer… maybe that’s just because it isn’t finished yet.

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 4 years

Text

Episode 1: Pilot

Hey Prodigies.

Welcome. My name is Jessica. I will be posting my weird thoughts/comments (with approximate time stamps) for every episode of Prodigal Son as I rewatch the episode. I like to be completely absorbed in the show the first time I watch an episode which is why, even for new episodes, this will always be a rewatch commentary.

I’ve done this for some of my other hyper-fixations and I’ve had a lot of fun doing it so here I am making another one for Prodigal Son. I doubt anyone is interested in my thoughts but I’m just doing this for fun so sorry, not sorry.

Here we go with episode 1

SPOILERS AHEAD

0:10 - Baby Malcolm is so freaking cute.

1:00 - after 60 seconds I’m hooked. This show is incredible. Little boy watches his serial killer father become arrested? Yes. Please. What. A. Concept.

1:47 - Is Bright the only FBI agent on the premises? Maybe I’ve watched too much Criminal Minds but I thought FBI agents travelled in groups for cases?

3:34 - This scene. As a fandom, I feel like we don’t give the adorable actor who plays baby Malcolm enough props. Seriously, his facial expression combined with his delivery of the lines, “They call you a monster....are you?” Breaks my heart. Every. Time. It is the moment I fell in love with Malcolm as a character. Also side note - Michael Sheen is killing it as usual.

5:10 - This cop shouldn’t be allowed to carry a gun. Seriously - can you say immoral?

6:24 - “Next time you call someone crazy, ask for their gun first.” He’s not wrong. In fact this line is amazing.

7:00 - I think college!Malcolm is really interesting but that hair part is not ok. Also. The way he tries to hide his hand tremor in this scene is heart breaking. AND. The way Martin talks to Malcolm in this scene (as someone with a manipulative, abusive father who fooled family friends/teachers, etc. that he was a stand up guy) is truly haunting. He is putting up an amazing act. He is calm, kind, understanding, and concerned. He also killed people. That duality is just...upsetting.

9:04 - He sleeps in restraint with a mouthguard. Immediately I want to hug him.

10:04 - This conversation between Ainsley and Malcolm reminds me of my own brother and I (I was ten when my abusive dad left and he was 7, he doesn’t remember much but I do). My ability to connect this scene to my life is probably why I find the dynamic of Ainsley and Malcolm’s relationship so real and believable. These siblings are close, they can go from talking about real problems in their lives to teasing each other and whining about mom in an instant.

11:00 - THIS. THIS HUG. IS. EVERYTHING. This scene is everything. This is the moment that I became curious about Gil. Who is he? Why does Malcolm (who has already been established as very emotionally wounded) trust him? And why does this guy care so much about the son of a serial killer?

12:05 - Is this the only time we see Dani chew gum?

12:10 - I love the way Bright is introduced to the team. You immediately see that Gil is Malcolm’s fake dad and that Malcolm is very socially awkward.

13:00 - Something about this scene is reminding me just so slightly of BBC’s Sherlock.

15:03 - Does no one else on the roof hear this conversation?!? You can see other people on the roof.

15:20 - I love how many subtle nods there are to Malcolm’s hand tremor in this episode.

16:12 - The interaction between Jessica and Malcolm is wonderful. It really showcases how extra Jessica is and how much Malcolm is suffering. Also the fact that Jessica’s pill holder is bedazzled is HILARIOUS.

18:00 - The only thing running through my head right now is how fine Tom Payne looks in that long sleeved polo.

18:45 - Edrisa is a breath of fresh air. She is awkward and funny and she lightens up the very serious aspects of this show.

19:00 - “He’s the killer right? We agree?” JT is honestly such an underrated character. He’s honest (a little blunt) but he also has a huge heart. Also the line about Malcolm not sleeping is heartbreaking.

20:05 - ngl. The whole Edrisa/Malcolm dynamic (in the first few episodes) really grosses me out. It’s awkward and creepy.

20:21 - What is JT’s facial expression here?!? That weird pout as he looks at the ground?! It’s hilarious but honestly sooo out of place in this scene.

21:15 - Sooo the killer broke into Nico’s apartment. Why did he cover everything in plastic? I mean why? It’s so bizarre. Also - why did he hang out in the dark? He was just in the apartment. He definitely didn’t turn off the lights as he prepared to flee the scene.

22:10 - I love that Dani, the woman, is the officer to pursue the killer. Not JT who is the most physically imposing.

23:15 - This scene always gets me. It’s just soooo crazy. I mean everything about it is just wild.

24:40 - More of my boy and his shaky hand. <3

25:05 - As I rewatch this episode I notice all of the subtle looks that Gil gives Bright. They’re concerned looks. I love them.

25:30 - It looks physically painful for Malcolm to swallow. :( Also the looks that Ainsley and Malcolm give each other as Jessica prattles on about Egypt are amazing. 10/10 would recommend.

26:00 - “Not with the sound on” Yikes. I like Jessica but she really needs to work on being a better mom to Ainsley.

27:27 - The lighting in the case room is suddenly flickering? Really? Well that’s convenient I guess.

28:40 - Dani saving Malcolm is so important. She just met this guy. She clearly thinks he’s a little off. But she’s a good person. She wants to help him. She protects him from himself and the gun wielding police officers.

28:55 - ....Malcolm put on a coat before he went to talk to Gil about his night terror? Interesting.

29:00 - I love this scene. We find out about Jackie. We find out more about Gil. We see how much Gil cares about Malcolm. AND we can see JT and Dani in the background talking and looking over at Malcolm. It’s so good. Character development for the win.

30:18 - Ok. So. Martin Whitly is an amazing artist. He drew those. Dang.

31:07 - How did Martin manage to keep a medical license after killing all those people?!?

31:10 - Martin and Malcolm’s first conversation in 10 years is so interesting. The dynamic of their conversation is complex and intriguing and honestly I could write a freaking novel about their relationship.

34:35 - The first hint we get that Martin might care more about merely having company than having a relationship with his son.

35:40 - This scene is peak comedy. “Maybe you should draw your gun.” hahaha.

37:48 - Malcolm has no sense of self-preservation. Honestly. He walks into a room containing an armed serial killer when he himself is unarmed.

39:15 - This scene. Malcolm’s speech. You can see how much Malcolm hates himself. How much Malcolm hates his past. How much pain he carries. It’s haunting.

40:48 - I love that even after finding out that Bright’s dad is a serial killer, Dani takes a minute to make sure that Malcolm is okay. She cares more about his wellbeing than his past. That’s an incredible distinction.

41:23 - Gil’s speech. Gil’s story about Malcolm. Wonderful. Chef’s kiss. This is why I keep watching the show. The idea that the cop who arrested a serial killer became that fake dad to the serial killer’s son is such a beautiful and complex concept. I’m obsessed with the father/son dynamic between Gil and Malcolm.

If you actually read all (or any) of this - Thanks for hanging out. I wish I could say that my thoughts for subsequent episodes will be shorter but honestly I forced myself to be brief with this one.

Basically - I love this show. I’m someone who is, generally speaking, fascinated with character development and whump. This show is a gold mine for both.

I’ll post again soon. Read it if you want. Or not. I’m mostly posting this for myself. Because you know, COVID-19. I’m at home. I have way too much time alone with my thoughts and doing this is fun.

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angelhummel · 5 years

Note

Unpopular opinion maybe, but I don’t think Kurt and Blaine’s relationship was heteronormative. There were certainly issues with its execution, but I’m hard pressed to think of instances where Kurt was treated/coded as female. In fact, many of the examples people give of heteronormativity don’t stand up to scrutiny. Yes, Blaine was included in the “bro scenes” but he also had female friends and was grouped with the girls in Diva. If socializing with the same sex makes you a man and (cont)

(Cont) socializing with the opposite sex makes you a woman, what is Blaine? Sometimes the claims reveal more about fandom’s heteronormativity than the writers. Seeing Blaine’s comments about needing Kurt to be weak as proof that he’s a girl equates womanhood and victim hood, which the show didn’t do. No, they felt that fight was about how all relationships between gay men are about dominance, the opposite of heteronormativity. The accusations are a simplification of Kurt and Blaine dynamic.

Different anon -There’s a difference between being an alpha male, as the op claimed, and an alpha gay, which the show mentioned. The second one means that Blaine had higher social status due to his gender presentation. The first says that Blaine is hyper-masculine, aggressive and dominating and meant that he forced Kurt to be the beta in their relationship. It was 100% intended as an insult, as I’m pretty sure this person either stated or agreed that “Blaine would punch anyone who said he was girly.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay so I’m just answering both of these asks together bc I think they’re similar. And then we’re not gonna talk about it anymore lmao. Not even because these anons are angry or confrontational but just because I don’t wanna be too in the negatives today :P And both are in response to this and that if you wanna catch up

First of all I just wanna say that calling any gay relationship heteronormative based on stereotypes and cliche ideas of gender roles and presentation is just not great. And if it was just the fandom being like “Oh Kurt likes fashion. That makes him the girl” then it would be bad enough. But I do feel like the show tried to push that at times. Tried to make one seem feminine or “weak” and the other seem masculine and strong

And it was always unbalanced. Like one had to be winning and one had to be losing. Think mainly season 3 vs season 5. Like Kurt singing his lady Broadway songs, dressing up in tights, being laughed at for attempting to be manly, getting called delicate and too much of a lady (by Beiste of all people) while at the same time we see Blaine being more aggressive, picking fights, boxing, being seen in a newly sexualized light. Then in season 5, Kurt is working out and bulking up and feeling more confident and standing up for himself, while Blaine is falling behind and feeling like he’s losing and feeling self conscious about himself in all ways possible. It’s like this weird seesaw the writers always had them on.

(Also side note but I am really confused by Blaine’s sexualization in the show? Like they dress him up in little green suspenders and pink bowties and everyone makes fun of his looks but also they put him in the tightest clothes possible to make sure nothing on his body is left to the imagination, and we’re treated to plenty of lingering shower and locker room scenes. And even when he’s gained weight and feeling down, we still have like a whole scene of him half naked and squirming around on the bed and idk it’s just odd to me)

Oh also kind of a side note but dealing with Blaine being one of the guys and Kurt being one of the girls. I know Kurt does seem like the type to prefer the company of girls over boys and that’s okay. But in that Brittany + Klaine skit I rewatched the other day, Chris did have a little line like “Oh it’s so nice being here in ____. Even if I do have to room with the girls”. So I wonder if that was yet another point of contention between Chris and the writers

And I wouldn’t say that Blaine wanted Kurt to be weak. And Blaine doesn’t need to be the strongest one in the relationship. He just liked taking care of Kurt. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, anyone who tries to slap a masculine and feminine label on Kurt or Blaine is thinking too small. They don’t fit in your little minuscule stereotypical boxes, sorry not sorry. You’re so right about them just simplifying all the complexities that make Kurt and Blaine such unique and interesting characters, and a dynamic couple

Second anon - Yeah at the very end of that person’s blog description was like “Not Blaine/Klaine friendly” so that means I should’ve been taking everything they said with a grain of salt. I mean I’m sure some of what I just said above seems to agree with some of their points on Blaine and Kurt and masculinity, just not to a debilitating Blaine bashing degree lol

But yeah saying Blaine forced Kurt into anything is just a reach. And I mean that all across the board. But saying he forced him to be the “beta” is just stupid because the whole idea of alphas and betas etc in the first place is insane. But ugh. Idk what that other person was on to make such wild claims about Blaine, but I think we should just let it rest lmao. I think we’ve said it all

#glee #negativity tag #lol glee #my thoughts #Anonymous

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phanfictrashalex · 5 years

Text

01:00

The day finally came that Dan was waking up to an alarm again. It was his first day back to school since winter break. Going back was something that he hadn't been looking forward to since he got out.

He knew that he could probably get a better job with a school degree, but sometimes he was to the point where he wanted to completely drop out of school and find some shit job.

Dan liked to learn, that wasn't the problem. The problem was the people in his school the teachers and the students. He liked school up until high school started.

He always had people that he could talk to and hang out with, but when high school started that all changed. People started to change they began finding new friend groups and altogether ditched Dan. They probably had something going on in their lives, or that's what he told himself not wanting to dwell on it too much.

Dan wasn't too introverted. He didn't have to always be alone, but to mentally be able to handle a large crowd of people he had to have space for a few days so he didn't go completely insane.

High school became one of his worst nightmares whenever his dad left, he felt as if it was his fault.

It was 7 that morning, and his mother was yelling at him to get out of bed reminding him that he had school.

He finally got out of bed after 5 minutes of her poking at him to get up. He finds what clothes he is going to wear, a white t-shirt, black skinny jeans, his black converse, and a leather jacket to go over his shirt.

Dan gets out of the house by 7:30. He had to walk to school, but he wouldn't count it as the worst part of his day. Getting there was. Having to hear whatever drama went on over winter break, and their teachers yelling at them for whatever reason they can think of. It was the worst at times, and this is the reason that Dan didn't want to go back.

He puts on music as he tries to drown out the world around him for as long as he can before getting to school. After a 10 minute walk, he finally gets there.

It wasn't the fact that he was popular he wouldn't change that for the world. It was the fact that he didn't have any real friends. Most people came and stayed for his fame and popularity.

He was glad that it wasn't like his elementary school days. Those were the days when he got bullied the most. Anymore he was the one who was known to kick someone's ass if they tried to pick on him. People would make fun of his height, his hair, and his dimples. Anything they could think of they would use as an insult. It was quite tiring so he was glad when he did move.

The goal when he did move was to get on everyone's good side, the teacher's, the kid's, and become the popular kid. At this point, Dan started to straighten his hair because he didn't like his naturally curly hair.

This was another reason he didn't like going to school. He had to put on a character, be someone that he wasn't. He had to always get good grades, dress nice, straighten his hair, be this person who did all of these things. When in reality, all he wanted to do was go home and look on tumblr and stop having to put on an act for people to like him.

If putting on an act meant that he didn't get called a faggot every day, he was okay with it. The thing was, he wasn't even gay! He had never had a homosexual thought in his life. He didn't know where people were ever getting the assumption that he was gay to begin with.

It was time for class to start. Everyone gathered into a room and got taught the same thing one class after the other. It wasn't that he didn't like learning, it was the fact that he didn't like learning the same thing over and over again.

The teacher started speaking, Dan not really paying attention, all he wanted to know is what they were doing so he could get it over with. He didn't care that it was the day after winter break and everyone was probably exhausted.

Finally, after 20 minutes of lecturing them about getting more sleep and behaving, they got their assignments. This happened in every class that day, even getting lectured before lunch and reminded the rules.

"Hey what's up?" Chris turned to Dan and asked him.

It was currently lunch, everyone was talking at the top of their lungs to hear one another.

He shrugged at Chris, "Nothing much, would rather be at home though,"

Everyone in their group laughed at that and agreed. "I'm sure everyone wants to go home right now. The amount of times they've repeated the same thing over and over again is getting annoying."

Someone new caught Dan's eye, they were a boy with blue eyes, black hair, very pale skin, and about the same height as Dan. He had to be new, Dan had never seen him before in his life.

"Do you know who that is?" Dan said, pointing in the boy's direction.

Chris and Pj turned around to look at him. "Yeah, he's in my English class," Pj said. "His name is Phil."

"He looks like he belongs in a garden or something; not in this hell hole," Louise replied with. Dan knew that she wasn't wrong, there was no way that he was going to last a day without getting attacked.

"Yeah, I think he'll find his way around though," Dan sighs, "He seems to be getting along with a few people anyway."

It was nearing the end of lunch, preparing to go to his last few classes of the day.

He got to his sixth-period class, and Phil was one of his classmates in that class. Their teacher gave them another lecture and told them that tomorrow they would be paired up for a project that they'd have to do.

Dan always hated projects like these, he was the one who did all of the work for the person to still get full credit for it when they did nothing to help. This was something that he was going to have to mentally prepare for all night, doing a whole project by himself that was probably going to be due at the end of the week on top of whatever other bullshit the teachers gave him.

By the end of that class period, he decided that Phil was too innocent to be in this school with these people. He was a grade ahead of Dan, taking some classes that he didn't take at his old school so he could get caught up and graduate.

When Dan got out of class, he was heading to his locker when someone stopped him.

Dan turned around to see that it was Phil, who might as well be called plant boy, standing in front of him.

"Hi- sorry, do you know where the health room is?" Phil nervously asked.

"Yeah, it's down the hall third door on your right." Dan thought he might as well be nice to him, he didn't seem like a complete dick.

After stopping at his locker; he made his way to his last class of the day, which was math. This was the only class that he had with Chris and Louise.

He saw them as soon as he stepped foot into the classroom. They were lucky enough to be able to sit by each other because they never would talk when the teacher was trying to talk.

They got yet another lecture, he was sick of them after the first two he got at the start of the day. He knew enough about the rules to not have to hear this for the seventh time that day.

When they finally got dismissed from class, he talked to Chris, Pj, Louise, and Cat for a little bit before waving his goodbyes and saying that he'd see them tomorrow. Dan then began his walk home. This was the time when he could breathe and think about everything that had gone on in school the previous few hours.

He finally got home, looking out of the window for a bit before starting on his homework that he had to do for the night. When he was looking out of his window, he saw that plant boy was walking into the house next door. So, they were neighbours, he knew that the house was for sale but didn't expect for anyone with kids around Dan's age to move into it.

This was going to be a fun few months, Dan thought. From that second on, it became Dan's task to avoid Phil as much as he could.

He sent a message in the group chat that he and his friends were in, 'You will never believe who my new neighbour is,'

'omg who is it?' Chis replied.

'You know plant boy or whatever his name is?'

'... You can't be serious'

'I, unfortunately, am being serious,'

Dan fell onto his bed, he knew that he had to get up in a little bit and do some of his homework, but the realisation that this boy is his neighbour for some reason scared him more than anything.

His mother came up, telling him that the food was ready. After eating, he went back upstairs and started on his hours of homework that he had to do. This was something that he was sadly used to, being in advanced classes was the worst at times.

Dan put some music on and started right away on his work. After about three hours he finally finished it and decided that it was time for him to get some sleep.

He looked out of the window for a little bit, looking at the stars and the moon. This was one of the things that really interested him, space. Everyone knew that he was like a genius when it came to be anything space-related.

These types of things normally relaxed him, taking his mind off of the world and everything going on around him. He could sit and just relax, not have to worry about homework or people at school.

He then finally laid down and went to sleep after a few hours of twisting and turning, even if he seemed like he was always hyper and had enough sleep, most of the time he never got enough sleep unless he was on break. Dan was always studying and trying to figure out his life, that's why on break he didn't want to see anyone for a few days. Needing the time to mentally recover from everything.

It was the next day, getting up and doing the same thing that morning as he did the last. Today he was finding out who his partner was for the project, Dan could only hope for someone who would actually help him work on it rather than sit around and do literally none of it.

He got to school and went on with his day as normal. What was unusual is, he saw Phil staring at him whenever he got the chance. It wasn't like they had many classes together, but whenever they passed by each other or saw each other in the halls he always caught him staring.

Dan found it rather intimidating, he wasn't gay. He wouldn't understand why anyone who is anything but straight would like him, a heterosexual, boy.

Even if Dan was gay no one would know that, but he's not. He had a record for sleeping around with girls before his ex-girlfriend. There were a few boys that he found kind of cute, but no one that he would date or sleep around with.

Although there was nothing wrong with being gay, he really didn't want Phil to be staring at him the way he did.

Phil just looked kind of.. soft. Dan knew that he was going to be screwed over for the rest of the school year, and he was going to have to talk to someone about it. For all of his upper elementary and middle school years he was always called "gay" and "fag," This was something that he was glad that changed when he moved schools at the start of high school.

He knew the person he could go to is Louise, she was always like a sibling or mother to him, and she always knew how to handle these types of situations. Dan messaged her to meet up at lunch, somewhere they wouldn't be overheard.

At lunch Dan was so happy to see Louise, this was something that was eating at him since he saw Phil the day prior.

Plus, it wasn't even like he knew Phil that well, he could be a serial killer for all he knew. He really just wanted to be friends with him, nothing else, that was something that he was positive of.

"What's wrong? You seem worried about something," Louise asked Dan when she saw him.

"We have to go somewhere else to talk about this, I'm not talking about it where other people can hear,"

They walk outside, to the side of the building where no one goes to. This is a place that they agreed would be the safest.

"I don't know what these feelings are," Dan sighed, starting to explaining everything. "It's almost like I want to smile every time I see this plant boy, and there's always this weird feeling in my stomach?"

"Dan, could you possibly have a crush on him?"

"No," Dan said, anger starting to boil up. "There's no way because I'm not gay," He knew that he shouldn't lash out at Louise, she's always so supportive of him and helps with anything she can.

"Alright, do you think you want to try and get to know him a bit better, and maybe be his friend?"

Dan nodded, "I think that might be for the best."

They went back inside before the lunch period ended to find Pj, Chris, and Cat at the table they normally sat at.

"Where were you two? We thought you were skipping the rest of the school day or something." Cat said, concern filling her voice.

Dan looked over at Louise and back at Cat, "We had to talk about something, I was having a bit of a crisis as usual."

She nodded, "Right," She didn't want to take that as an excuse, but she didn't want to bother him over it.

The next period was the one he had with Phil, and the one he was getting assigned partners with for a project.

"Right, so I've picked your partners for you." The teacher began to speak, most of the time Dan would ignore her but he didn't want to be paired up with some rude kid this time.

The last time he was paired up with someone he had to do all of the work himself and the kid never even showed up to help with any of it.

"Phil, you're paired up with Dan," He heard and looked over at Phil. Great, this next week or two was going to be wonderful for Dan.

Even if he wanted to get to know Phil, he didn't want it to be because they had to do some stupid project together. Plus, when it came to school work, Dan was an overachiever. Always wanting everything to go his way and he wanted everything to be perfect.

After the class ended, Phil found Dan and they started to plan out when they wanted to start on it.

"Right, here's my mobile number we can figure out times to do it after school or whenever if you want." Phil softly said to Dan.

Dan nodded and walked on to his next class, trying to get Phil out of his mind. He was straight for god's sake, for all he knew Phil could want to kill him.

#phanfiction #phanfic #highschool phan #highschool au #highschool!au

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i-am-ultimate42 · 7 years

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Chapter 15 (week 26)

Sky was beginning to develop a head ache. Maybe it was all the stress she was under. Maybe it was a side affect from the war her emotions were raging over Ryder at the moment. Or, maybe it was the fact that Wendy and Ella hadn’t stopped talking and asking her questions since they had arrived at the mall. “Oh, yes!” Wendy exclaimed, pulling out a silky red dress from the rack she was searching through. “This one is beautiful! You need to try this one on too.” She dropped it into their already piled high shopping cart and dived back into her clearance rack. “Red will be a great color on you, darling. Very, very captivating,"Ella said as she examined the new dress. Sky didn’t want to ruin their fun, so she stayed quiet. They were just trying to be nice, she knew that, but she needed a break. "I can go and try these now.” She smiled at both of her shopping companions. “All right,"Wendy answered, still scanning through clearance dresses. "Just meet us back here when you decide which ones you want to keep. We’ll have more ready for you to try on when you come back.” Ella gave her a light pat on the shoulder then joined her daughter in her search. Sky took the opening and hurried to the changing rooms with her heavy cart. She would try all of them, just cause they had spent time looking for them. But mostly, she just needed space from thing one and thing two. The apple truly hadn’t fallen far from the tree! She entered the largest stall with her load of dresses and locked the door behind her. “Okay, where to start.” She successfully tried on and fit 7 dresses, couldn’t even pull up 5 of them, realized there was a rip in one of them, and didn’t even try 3 of the bizarre dresses Ella had added into the group. Sky plucked up a cream colored dress from the bottom of the cart. She tugged it on and turned around to face herself in the mirror. She gasped in surprise. This dress was way above her knees, tightly fitted around her upper thighs. Splits along her sides revealed too much skin for her liking, obviously made to attract a certain type of attention. Who had put this in her cart? She had a feeling it had been Wendy, trying to give her a sign of some sort. Sky yanked the inappropriate dress off hastily, feeling herself blush. What if Ryder had seen her in that horrid outfit? She pitched the unbecoming dress back in her cart. The only dress she had left to try on was the silky red one Wendy had found last. Sky examined it, laughing to herself. Wendy probably already had another cart of clothes for her to try on. She got to work pulling the dress over her head. It was a slim fit, gracing just right on her small frame. The sweetheart detail enhanced the beauty of the plain, smooth dress. Sky stared at herself in the mirror, baffled. She looked…stunning. She slowly turned around, studying her every curve and feature. She hadn’t felt this beautiful in years. The last time she remember feeling like this was…was at her wedding. Tears began to fill her eyes. When had everything been covered with loneliness’s shadow? She remembered all of it like it was yesterday. The beautiful red and silver decorations that had been set up by her once loving mother-in-law. All the laughing guest who had attended, all her old friends who had now seemed to vanish into thin air. How her father-in- law had giving her a hug before the make up crew came into her room to fix her up, saying he was so happy that she was gonna be part of the family. And Noah. He had been grinning lovingly as she had made her way down the isle. His deep vows had touched her heart and his soft touch as he had placed the ring on her finger had made her glow with happiness. His soft kiss had held a thousand promises, a thousand dreams that now would never be fulfilled. All of it, gone in a second. “Sky, darling? Which stall are you in? We wanna see how you look in one of those dresses.” Ella’s voice forced her wandering thoughts to vanish. She dabbed at her eyes, trying her best to recover. She didn’t want Ella and Wendy to know she had been crying. “I’m-I’m here.” She failed to stop the catch in her voice. “Darling, what’s wrong?” Sky knew she couldn’t hide in here any longer, so after a deep breath, she stepped out. “Sweet baby Jesus, look at you!” Ella’s bright smile lifted Sky’s sprits a tad bit. She approached her steadily, taking in all of her. “My goodness,” she tucked a stray hair behind her ear, a sparkle in her eyes,“now all you need is a classy date with my boy Ryder.” “Wendy,"Ella then hollered. "Come look at this angel!” Wendy appeared a second later, slightly out of breath. “Sorry,"she panted,"I spotted another rack of sales and I had to just check and see if-” Her words trailed off when she spotted Sky. “Okay, this outfit will totally make my brother melt!” Wendy walked around her, nodding to herself. “Yes, yes, and yes. This is the one. The one to get his full attention for sure. It sure is getting mine!” “Girls,” Sky spoke up, getting them to focus on her and not her breathtaking dress. “I already told you, I’m not trying to get involved with Ryder.” “But darling,” Ella smirked at her,“you’re already involved with him. He definitely is with you. Taken with you, actually.” Sky shook her head. They wouldn’t let it go. She would just have to keep going along with them. “Honey,"Sky glanced at Wendy who had completed her inspection. "Even if you didn’t want to get seriously involved with him, which I still think you do even if you deny it, wouldn’t it be nice to just get some masculine attention for once?” Sky knew all about masculine attention. Just ask Peter West. “I don’t know,” she mumbled, finding the mirror again and staring at herself. “I know you don’t, but I do. Trust me, you won’t regret it.” Sky glanced back at Wendy who smiled politely back at her. Trust me. There were those two words again. Why couldn’t she just move on and try? “Alright ladies,"Ella clapped her hands together to get their attention. "Let’s pay for this fantastic dress and head off to our next store. Big mall, bigger stores and even bigger sales!” After changing back into her plain summer dress, Sky helped Wendy and Ella put back her other outfits, glaring at Wendy when she began to laugh as she put back the extremely flashy dress, paid, and headed out to the next store. After searching around in 3 more stores, Sky held a Levi’s bag with 4 pairs of skinny jeans tucked in one arm, and a H&M’s bag filled with shirts, shorts, socks, and a variety of other things in the other.These women seriously had money to blow. Knowing that all that money was being spent on her pulled at her heart strings. “Did you see that shirt they were trying to sell for 24.00 in Khols?” Wendy rolled her eyes as she walked ahead of her. “That cashier was so rude. There was no way I was gonna buy anything from there.” Wendy held another of Sky’s bag, that one being filled up with new sandals and a couple of sneakers. Ella held onto a new purse she had bought for Sky. She wouldn’t be surprised if she kept it, since she was holding on to it pretty tightly. “She was pretty mean,” Sky respond to Wendy’s rant. “See, even Sky agrees mom.” “Anything you say, honey,"Ella said as she kept walking, not fazed by her daughter. "So, what’s your son’s name?"Wendy asked, slowing down to walk beside Sky. "Jake.” “How old is Jake?” “He’s five. His birthday is on October 10.” “Oh, you hear that mom!” Wendy called out to her mother who looked back at them. “We have ourselves a birthday boy next month!” “You know what that means.” Ella slowed her pace to match theirs. “No.” Sky glanced at both of them, lost. “We have to get him some presents!” “I agree!” Wendy grinned at her mother, planning something. “Sky,"Wendy faced her now, walking backwards to do so,"we have to go to Toys R Us. I was shopping there the other day for Elisha and I saw this giant teddy bear that I so wanted to get! But, I knew he wouldn’t play with it, so I left it. Does Jake like stuffed animals? If so, we are totally getting that bear.” “He likes cars, but yes, I think he would love a giant teddy bear.” Sky smiled at Wendy. She returned her smile with her own dazzling one. “Perfect! Mom, forget the trip to Macy’s. We’re going to Toys R Us.” “Alright,” Ella laughed. The next thing she knew, Sky stood outside of the biggest Toys R Us she had ever seen. Maybe it just look enormous cause she hadn’t been to one in years. She could never afford anything here. But, with her new friends, she stepped in and began to hunt for presents for her son. He was gonna love these two. He would probably never want to leave them. She couldn’t blame him. Yes, at first they were a little overwhelming, but now, she was so overjoyed by their simple kindness. “Thank you so much girls. I could never pay you back for all of this stuff you’ve gotten for me and now are getting for my boy, even though you’ve never even met him!” Sky smiled softly at both her new friends, keeping her tears at bay. “You’re welcome darling. And we don’t expect you to pay us back anything.” Ella wrapped an arm around her shoulders, giving her a gentle side hug. “And we do expect to met Jake. I mean, how else will we give him his gifts?” Wendy reached up and grabbed a set of hot wheels form the top shelf of the isle they were in. It came with 20 cars, all classic ones, ready for play. “Here you go.” She handed them to Sky. “Now, let’s see if they have any-” Wendy’s eyes widened as she exited out of the isle with Ella and Sky following. “There it is!” A huge smile plastered onto her Wendy’s face. “Mr. Teddy, come to mamma!” She ran like a overly hyper kid to a humongous stuffed bear that sat on top of a display table. She picked it up and spun back to face her. “He’s gonna love it,"Sky assured Wendy, laughing at the sight of a grown woman ecstatic over a simple teddy bear. "If he doesn’t, I’ll just have to keep it. I refuse to depart without this bear in my life ever again.” “Alright darling,"Ella approach her joyful daughter. "Calm down. We’re gonna get the bear. Remember though, you have to see if Jake wants it first before you smuggle it for yourself.” Sky chuckled as she rushed over to caught up with her friends. These two were great. Not something she thought she would have been saying this morning. Her phone began to buzz in her pocket and she quickly whipped it out. “Hello?” She spoke as she pressed it to her ear. “Sky.” Ryder’s deep voice brought a flood of emotion spilling into her. She reminded herself that she needed to keep him at a distance. Whatever he wanted couldn’t be that bad. She calmed herself as best as she could. “What is it Ryder?” She asked smoothly, trying her best to not indicate anything more than mild interest. He was silent for a moment too long. Had he caught her sudden change of tone? Why wasn’t he speaking? She began to worry. What if- what if this was about something serious? “Sky, it’s- it’s Jake.” His voice cracked. She began to panic. What was wrong with Jake? She looked up to see Wendy and Ella staring at her, a look of question in their eyes. “Jake,” Ryder continued. “He’s awake.” Sky’s racing mind stopped. All of time seemed to slow. Her vision instantly became blurry and she started to breath heavily. Jake was…awake? “And he’s asking for you, Sky,” Ryder’s voice strangely penetrated through the haze. “He asking for his momma.”

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awindowamirror · 7 years

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Trek to Hohoe, Wli Falls, and the Tafi Monkey Sanctuary

This weekend, my friends Ceci and Charlotte and I decided to take a break from Accra life and check out the Volta region more. I went a few weekends ago just for one night, but we didn’t go hiking or see a ton, so I was excited to go back and explore more.

Charlotte had a class on Friday evening, so we left campus at about 5:30 pm and took a trotro to Accra Central, which took about an hour in the traffic. All of the big metro buses going to the Volta region had left by this time, so we tracked down where the trotros leaving for the Volta were. There was one leaving in 15 minutes, but only two spots, so we were the first to buy tickets on another trotro. This was both good and bad—good because we got to claim the back seat and not sit in the wimpy little side chairs, but bad because we waited in the parking lot for another hour until our trotro had filled up. Honestly though, we were just happy there was a way to get to where we were going, and it only cost about 30 cedis each.

We left the parking lot at about 8 pm and expected to be in Hohoe, a town near our hotel, by about midnight or 1 at the latest. Google maps had told us it was about a 4-5 hour journey. What Google maps did not take into account were the traffic and road conditions. It took at least an hour to get outside of Accra, and the roads beyond the bridge over the Volta River (where I stayed on my previous trip) were in really bad shape. It ended up being about 7 hours for us to arrive. We were absolutely dead.

There were many holes I did not think we were going to come back out of. I am amazed that our trotro is still standing. Actually, at one point, in the middle of nowhere and in pitch-black darkness, our driver turned off the engine and got out and opened the hood, which would have been more than mildly concerning if we hadn’t been delirious from lack of sleep.

No worries though, about ten minutes later we were on our way again, and there was only one more episode like that. Also at one point I’m pretty sure we hit a goat—Ceci and I heard something and then looked at each other and burst out laughing because what else is there to do? 3 am on a trotro…it is a mind-altering experience.

When we got to Hohoe, we had to take about a 45 minute taxi ride to our hotel, and because it was so late/early, our taxi driver charged us 120 cedis and there was nothing we could do about it because there were literally no other transportation options. After cheating us, he thought it would be appropriate to ask for our numbers, which I find very interesting.

Anyways. We MADE it safely to our hotel and fell asleep by about 4:30 am. We slept until around 8:30 am, waking up just in time to catch the tail end of breakfast at the hotel restaurant. Charlotte was rearing to go on just 4 hours of sleep, but Ceci and I struggled a bit. But, when you’re in a beautiful and new place, it’s hard to choose sleep over exploring, so we set off to the tourism center (just a 5 minute walk from our hotel) to get a guide to take us to see Wli Falls up close and personal. Our hotel restaurant had a lovely view of the falls and the mountains as well, but we were ready to hike.

We stocked up on bananas and water and chose to do the 6 hour hiking excursion. I’m not sure what we were expecting, but I was entirely surprised by the hike. It was wild. We literally went straight up a mountain for close to 2 hours. Straight up. I mean it. At one point, Ceci asked our guide in between hyper ventilations, “Anthony, have you ever heard of switchbacks?” Alas, Anthony had not. And, upon hearing what they were and the supposed benefits, he declared, “Straight up is better.” Ok then.

Either way, straight up is what we had, and so we did it. There were many moments where it felt more like rock climbing than hiking, and we all slipped and fell at least a couple times. It was amazing though. Hiking to me is the definition of returning to my roots, to something I am so sure of. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other—you can only focus on the moment you’re in, the beauty around you and the good company. It was a really difficult hike, there’s no sugar coating it, and I am still very sore, but there is no better way to spend a day in my opinion. And we did it. How cool.

So we technically were hiking to the upper falls of Wli Falls, but on the way, we climbed a mountain even taller than the tallest mountain in Ghana. How is that possible, you may ask? Well, we slipped into Togo for a few minutes—turns out, half of the mountain is in Ghana and half is in Togo, but the tallest point is in Togo, so Ghana can’t claim its height (it’s not a very impressive height when you compare it to mountains in Colorado or other places, but it sure felt tall—I think it was a little over 1,000 m).

When we got to the upper falls, we splashed our faces and arms in an attempt to cool down, and then headed down to the lower falls. Anthony left us there, and we stayed a while, soaking our feet and watching shouts of water fall screaming with joy from the rocks. It was beautiful. There is something so magical about water, and waterfalls showcase every piece of that magic. After looking up at the falls for several minutes, we finally noticed about 200-300 bats staring at us from the cliffs. SO MANY BATS!!! It was crazy. It would have been creepy if it weren’t so cool.

The walk back to our hotel was super easy—I think it’s the trail that most people take, and it was very flat and well-travelled. Thank goodness. We were all ready to put our feet up and have a good meal, which is exactly what we did. Oh, and we showered. We were covered in a layer of dirt and multiple layers of sweat. Fun note: Ceci had the same Dr. Bronner’s lavender castile soap that I use back in the states, so it just added to how at home I felt—hiking AND castile soap? What more could I ask for?

We stayed at dinner forever, sharing three dinner dishes and a bowl of fruit and ice cream, and talking about politics, social issues, and how to make sense of people who agree with Betsy DeVos. We retired at about 9:00 pm (I really think retired is the correct word for this situation, though I know that it would sound more at home in an Edith Warton novel than a 20 year old’s blog post), and stayed up a little longer talking. It was a lovely evening, and we were happily asleep by 9:30 pm (remember we only got 4 hours of sleep the night before).

In the morning, we met a group of young people doing Projects Abroad (I think this is an organization where people volunteer abroad, but I didn’t fully understand it). One was from Chicago, and I think the rest were from the Netherlands. They were headed back to Hohoe as well, so we shared a trotro out with them—much cheaper than our 120 cedi taxi ride on Friday night!

From Hohoe, we got a taxi driver who (we thought) agreed to drive us to the monkey sanctuary about 30 minutes away, wait while we explored, and then drive us to Ho (a city further south where we could catch a bus back to Accra) for 130 cedis. Not a bad deal, and so we set off, excited to see monkeys.

Once we arrived in Tafi, where the sanctuary is, the driver said, “Ok, Ho is very far, so you’ll have to add on to the 130.” WHAT? No. You cannot drive us to the middle of nowhere and then change the price, no. I was so pissed, I got into full on Holly Battle Mode. Two of the guides at the sanctuary, guys around our age, came out to help, and they did a wonderful job of asking us what we had been told and then reasoning with the driver. Very helpful and genuine people. Eventually, we all agreed on 150 cedis total to take us to Ho, though we still have no idea what the driver was thinking. I do NOT like being taken advantage of.

But how can you stay mad when there are MONKEYS everywhere??? The guides took us to buy bananas for the monkeys, and then made kissing noises until the monkey started coming out of the depth of the woods to the road to meet us. It was SO cool watching them swing and jump around and eye our bananas. Such cool animals. The whole time, we were just thinking how much they look like little baby humans. They are so smart, too! Ugh. Amazing.

We got to feed them bananas, which you do by holding a banana firmly in your hand with your arm outstretched in front of you. Then, a monkey will approach you and jump onto your arm/back and peel the banana and eat it. How cool is that??? So I had several monkeys crawling on me, including the alpha male. What an honor.

We learned a few interesting monkey facts, but my favorite was that at least in this monkey colony, the alpha male sings everyone to sleep at 6:30 pm each night, and sings them awake at 6:30 am each morning. I don’t usually have much use for alpha male anythings, but that’s pretty darn cute.

We said goodbye to the monkeys and the sweet guides and climbed back into our hostile taxi, in which we made it safely to Ho. Our driver tried one last time when we arrived to get more money out of us, but we shoved his 150 into his hands and got the heck away. We bought some bread, avocados, and plantain chips to hold us over for a ride to Accra, and then climbed aboard our trotro.

Our trip home was much shorter than our trip there—I think we made it back to Madina junction in about 4 hours, and then we just a had one more short trotro to Okpongolo. Not bad at all.

The whole weekend was really lovely, I am so glad we went. I felt so grounded and at peace-- being outside, eating and buying everything communally, and being with people who value the same things I do. I felt very at home.

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