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builtbybrokenbells · 6 months

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Gold Dust Woman | xi

Distance only makes the heart grow fonder, or that’s how the saying goes, at least.

Read part ten here

Listen while reading: Victim of Love - Eagles, Dreams - Fleetwood Mac, Silver Springs - Fleetwood Mac

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!reader, Sam Kiszka x f!reader, Danny Wagner x OC

Word count: ≈17k (sorry 😬)

Warnings: ANGST—fighting (verbal), fighting (physical), blood, mentions of addiction, anger, depression, mentions of alcohol abuse, drinking, smoking, swearing, crying, arguing, long emotional talks, love triangle angst, insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, sorry if i miss any!!

howdy!! long chapter, lots of plot progression, and shits finally starting to get real! thanks for sticking around and as always, enjoy, be kind, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes 🫶🏻 (please be mindful that this is lightly edited)

The morning came as it usually would, the sun bright in the sky and casting warmth over the already busy city. There was no cloud in sight, not even a memory of one lingering from the day before. When you woke with a migraine, your usual love for the early morning was quickly twisted into a burning hatred for the rays shining in your face. You were volatile, anger always your first emotion and sadness quickly following. There was never a moment of peace, not even within the first minute of the day. Every night you went to sleep hoping that by the morning, you would forget the ache that settled permanently in your chest, that when you took your first breath while awake, you could inhale without the pain weighing you down. The longer the days stretched on, the more you believed that you would never recover from the pain caused by your own mistakes.

It had been a week since you had spoken to either of the brothers, and you were certain that you were going insane. Every night you got on stage, playing your guitar so loud it that it rattled your bones, but it never seemed to be loud enough to overtake the deafening silence that had become you. There was a hole in your heart too large to fill with substance, and not even the presence of your sorrow could replace the vacant space in your life that the Kiszka brothers had left behind. The separation was a good idea in theory, however once you found yourself amidst the world without them by your side, you started to realize just how lacklustre life seemed without them. It was not bad enough to make you run back to them, but it was definitely bad enough to make you think about it.

You knew you needed to stay away, to keep yourself distanced in hopes of ever coming to a decision, but even if you knew it was the right thing to do, it did not make it any less excruciating. Seeing them every day without having the ability to speak to them or touch them, or even just hear them say your name felt wrong. The world was different without them in your life, and it was never in any positive way. You were trying to speed up the process, to back yourself into a corner so you could finally make up your mind, but you hadn’t seemed to make any progress. Every time you tried to narrow down your thoughts, something else threw you completely off track. You had little hope for the future, and you were ready to give up.

You reached to your bedside, eyes closed and hand in search of your only constant companion. Your fingers clasped around the neck of a bottle, still open and ready from the night before. Your plane had landed late in the evening, and by the time you all checked into the hotel, everyone was more than ready for bed. Unfortunately for you, you had found it difficult to sleep without any aid from substance. You were falling into bad habits, although some had already been present long before the pain of loving the brothers. The coping mechanisms had lied dormant, never needing to surface until you hit rock bottom. The only thing you could say for certain was that you were definitely at the bottom, and it was rockier than ever before. Your body ached from the fall, constantly searching for a more comfortable position only to find that every move was making it worse.

You placed the bottle to your lips, the liquid leaving a burn in its wake as it travelled down your throat. You placed it back on your bedside, taking a sharp inhale to satiate the sensation. You squeezed your eyes shut, hoping that the headache would go away on its own, and hopefully before anyone came knocking on your door. You crawled from the bed, sick to your stomach and already praying for the day to be over. You managed a shower, the warm water only slightly washing away the misery. You brushed your teeth and searched through your suitcase for some clothes. By the time you pulled your sweater over your head, the knocking began. “Yeah, I’m coming.” You grumbled, pulling the towel from your head that you were drying your hair with. You tossed it on the floor, uncaring as to where it landed and took a step towards the door. When you opened it, you saw the concerned face of your drummer, who had been nothing but overbearing since your mental decline began.

“You’re late.”

“For what?” You asked, tired of her concern before she even had the chance to voice it.

“Breakfast. You missed it.”

“Wasn’t exactly shaking in my boots for the shitty undercooked bacon.” You took a step away from the door, allowing her inside. She stayed in her place, but did take the time to look around the room before speaking again.

“You have to eat.” She stated, leaning against the doorframe. “Have you been drinking already?” She looked at the liquor bottle decorating your bedside, easily telling her you were doing just as bad as she thought you were.

“Never drank a day in my life.” You chuckled, taking your phone from its charger and checking to see if anyone had messaged. When you were met with a blank screen, you shoved it in your pocket without a hint that you cared. Of course, you did care, just not enough to make it apparent. You were hoping that one of the brothers would message, that they would say something to give you a new sense of clarity, but they were fantastic at respecting your wishes. The first few days were difficult for them, and they made few advances which were all met with blatant rejection. You hated doing it, and you didn’t want to send them away, but it was for the best. Now after going so long without them, you wished they would try again even if it was far from what you needed.

Need was a word that you had little understanding of anymore. At this point, you had forgone every need that had surfaced in the previous months, and you had no clue what you needed now to fix what you had already disregarded. There was nothing that seemed to help you sort your thoughts, and no words that could cushion the blow of the final chapter of your fucked up story. You were stuck suffering until the storm passed on its own, and it seemed like it was only beginning. “I could smell the alcohol as soon as you opened the door.” She chose not to believe you, as always. Even if she was right, it still agitated you beyond belief.

“Fuck, Dylan. Do you want to breathalyze me?” You snapped. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Something,” she shrugged, finally stepping inside. “Say anything, y/n. It’s better than whatever the hell you’re doing now.”

“You guys are going to chastise me for drinking when you’re out at the bar every night, too?” You took a seat on the edge of the bed, pulling your boots towards you. You slipped one on, tying a double knot to keep the lace in place. “I’m fine, and even if I wasn’t, asking fifteen times a day surely isn’t helping.”

“We go to the bar after shows, and I think that’s a lot different than using whiskey as mouthwash first thing in the morning.” She snapped back with just as much power. “You can’t go to sleep without being drunk, and you can’t go ten minutes in the morning without a shot. You’re not fine, and I know it. I care about you, and I’m really fucking worried about you. I wouldn’t ask so much if you’d just tell me the truth.” Her tone was harsh, but not lacking love. She cared so much that she was furious, and it was hard for you to comprehend. Before your move to Nashville, you lived a lifetime of constant isolation, one where nobody cared if you were okay unless you had something to offer them. Now you were surrounded by people who cared so much that they would put their own lives on the line for you. It was intense, something that was completely foreign to you, and you had no idea how to process it. You knew that she was only looking out for you, but you had built your guard up so high that it was difficult to see over it, now.

“I’m doing my job, and I’m doing it well. That’s the most important thing, right?” You asked, tying up your second boot, too scared to look up at her face.

“No, it’s not.” She shook her head. “You can function through the pain and still drown in it. You may be doing your job, but you’re not enjoying it, and I’m scared that if you keep going like this, you’re going to drink yourself to death.” You kept your eyes on the floor, head pounding with a hangover that you hadn’t gotten the chance to drink away yet. You couldn’t look up, because she was right. You had lost your grip on your sanity, and you were barely existing anymore. Your favourite part of the day was going to sleep, just because it was a chance at a few hours of peace from your tormenting thoughts.

“I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to feel better.” You shrugged, shaking your head at your own inability to fix the issue.

“Let’s go get something to eat, and maybe I can help you figure it out.” She offered, expecting you to refuse. You thought about it for a moment, remembering the aching loneliness that existed when the door was closed. You realized that even if you were arguing, it felt better to be in someone’s company. Eventually, you gave a slow nod. A smile crossed her lips, happy at your cooperation. You stood, joining her by the door after slipping your wallet into your pocket. You both broke into the hallway without any more conversation, the fluorescent lights immediately sending a jolt of pain through your head. You squinted, trying to block out as much as you could, but your efforts were pointless. “I just have to grab my stuff from my room.” She said. You nodded, too bothered by the white light to verbally answer her.

She stopped outside of her door, keying inside and disappearing momentarily. The hallway was vacant, appearing as if the hotel was empty. No sounds were coming from the rooms, and you began to question the whereabouts of everyone else. Not that you should have, because it ultimately led back to Jake and Sam, and you were fighting with every fibre of your being to forget them for the time being. You leaned your back against the wall, head resting on the cool paneling while you held your eyes closed. You could hear Dylan rummaging around in her room, likely because she had already lost track of all her possessions. You loved her, but she was terrible for misplacing things. You were certain she would lose her head if not for it being attached to her body.

A chorus of voices from a nearby room nearly caused your heart to jump out of your chest. You looked across the hallway, trying to narrow down which room the disturbance was coming from. You listened a little closer, noticing that the voices did not seem pleasant, nor did they appear to indicate that the conversation was friendly, either. Dylan’s head peeked out from her room, looking to you with an expression that seemed to ask all of the same questions you were wondering. Before she had a chance to ask, the door across the hall busted open, the voices now filling the empty air with no limitation. Danny was the first to emerge, annoyance written on his features as plain as day. He saw the stare of Dylan’s curious eyes, finding himself immediately soften at the sight of her face. You noticed the interaction, looking between them both as you tried to piece together the conversation they were having with their eyes.

Josh appeared next, seemingly unbothered by whatever was transpiring in the room and eager to get out before it got any worse. He gave you a wave with a smile stuck on his lips. You returned the gesture, feeling your stomach sink knowing the only two people that would be left behind. You had been so uninvolved with the two that you weren’t even sure which room was theirs. In a stroke of misfortune, you thought it almost comical for one of their rooms to be directly across from Dylan’s. Josh and Danny moved out of the way of the door as the arguing grew louder, knowing that they did not want to be in the way when the two came tumbling into the hallway themselves.

“Maybe if you weren’t so fucking stubborn-“

“Get your head out of your ass, Jake.” Sam shot back, clearly finished with whatever conversation they were sharing. “Whole world doesn’t revolve around you.” He appeared around the corner, a scowl stuck on his lips as he walked away from his brother. He barely looked up from the floor as he emerged into the hallway, but when he finally caught sight of you, it seemed like all of his contempt disappeared instantly. He did not say hello, nor even acknowledge your existence, but he stared, hoping that you would speak first.

You were caught in a staring contest, neither willing to break the silence but both desperate to talk to each other. Everybody was watching you, wondering if you would break the week long silence that had been killing you both. Instead, Jake came barrelling around the corner with intent to continue the conversation. Your attention fell on him, now feeling both sets of eyes staring holes through you. Your heart speed, palms breaking out into a sweat and your body felt like it was completely separate from your mind. All claims of the brothers being worse than an addiction had been proven true just from the moment; all of the trouble, the horrid things you had been feeling over the course of the week without them were immediately resolved from the sight of them alone. Much like an addict looking for a fix, you were immediately drawn to them, wanting nothing more but to reach out and touch them, to hear them say everything would be okay. Against your prior judgements about their company, you felt that everything would be better if you let them back into your life.

All six bodies in the immediate vicinity were at a loss for words. The arguing between Jake and Sam striking the last nerve in the other two, leaving them with the understanding that the bickering was now permanent and unavoidable. While Josh mindlessly waited for someone to speak first, Danny was housing a silent conversation with the other drummer, and the circus of a love triangle was stagnant, all hoping to hear a word that would ease your pain, but were too afraid to initiate the conversation. They were both staring at you, and you could only look between them with longing. You had no words to express your feelings, and you had no intention to begin trying. You weren’t ready for a confrontation, and you weren’t sure if you ever would be.

“Anyway, we’re off to grab some coffee before we have to head to the venue.” Dylan spoke, breaking the tension of the awkward silence. Although she did not do a very good job at covering up her own uncomfortableness, you were forever grateful to her for giving you a chance to escape without having to say a word.

“I’ll come,” Danny said, not bothering to look to his bandmates before walking off down the hallway.

“We still need to finish the meeting!” Jake called out to the drummer, frustration evident in his voice.

“I think we’re finished, brother.” Josh laid a gentle hand on his twins shoulder, but Jake brushed him off. Instead of responding to him, Jake shot a pointed glare at the back of Sam’s head as he stormed away from the scene.

“Fine,” he muttered, taking a step back into his room. He caught your eye once more, holding your face in hopes that the emotion in his eye would motivate you to speak to him. After a moment of sharing the same silent yearning, he pushed the door shut, the slam echoing through the empty air and eventually faded away into nothing. When the storm calmed and his presence turned into a memory, you felt the ache settling in your chest with a new found intensity. Danny had made it to the elevator, looking back at you and wondering if you would join him, but you felt as if you were glued to the floor.

The pain written on both of the boys faces was enough to make you want to forget your own rules. You wanted to take it away, to tell them it was okay and you still loved them all the same, but you knew it would not lessen their pain. In fact, it would only do more damage to continue loving both of them at once, and as tempted as you were to try again, you had to bargain with the devil to keep your heart in check. Dylan slipped her hand in yours, pulling you in the direction of Danny patiently waiting by the elevator. “Sorry about them.” Josh called, making sure you knew he wasn’t a fan of their new found temperament.

“Don’t be.” You whispered, shaking your head as you walked away. There was nothing for anyone to be sorry about, unless you were the one in question. Dylan dropped her hold on your hand when you joined the third member of your group. You all wordlessly made your way to the ground floor, breaking into the lobby with no enthusiasm in your step. The day was bright, the sun blinding as you emerged outside for the first time. It took you a few moments to overcome the irritating feeling of the light in your eyes and the nervous flutter in your stomach that accompanied it. You were still caught up in the incident that unfolded in the hallway, the grief-stricken features of the boys faces when they laid eyes on you, the arguing that was apparent between them, and the exhaustion hidden in the depths of their pupils.

Their faces were covered in despair, with too much similarity to your own. The suffering extended far beyond the door of your hotel rooms, and was taking space in their beds beside them, in the exact spots in which you used to lay. You wondered if they knew how haunting their absence was for you, if they knew how much it killed you to wonder if you would ever get the chance to love them again. Then, you wondered if they did know, did your suffering serve any comfort to them, or only worsen the pain? The longer you thought about it, the worse your head ached. You could only blame the hangover for so long until you had to look further into the cause. The alcohol wasn’t aiding you in recovery, but the headache was surely a side effect from the disease that was loving a Kiszka.

The nearest coffee shop was quiet in comparison to the bustling streets. When Danny held the door open for you both, you were thankful for the relief from the noisy crowds and the burning sun. The dim lighting was welcoming, the atmosphere not too in your face, and the quiet murmur of conversation much more welcoming than the booming voices and vehicles just outside the door. You shuffled into the short line and waited your turn, lost in admiration at the decorations on the wall. When the cashier beckoned you over, you let your eyes glaze over the menu before ordering a coffee and a muffin. The other two did the same, and you all grouped together to wait for your items. When the worker slid yours across the counter, you gave a little smile and grabbed it from him. You turned in search of a place to sit, and your eyes landed on a secluded booth in the very corner of the cafe.

You took the seat by the window, watching mindlessly at the passerby’s on the street through the tinted window. You barely looked up when the other two joined you on the bench on the other side of the table. “Thanks for letting me come. You saved me a huge headache.” Danny said, hoping to catch your attention. You couldn’t find the energy to give more than your already sullen expression, nor could you give enough energy to turn your head to look at him.

“You didn’t really give us much of a choice,” Dylan teased, but without even looking, you could hear the smile in her voice. She was elated to be in his company, even if she didn’t want to speak it out loud.

“I’ll make it up to you guys.” He assured her, extending the offer to you even though he knew you weren’t interested in talking.

“They seemed pretty pissed off.” You noted, finally allowing yourself to speak your thoughts. You didn’t want to ask about them, but like a bad habit you couldn’t seem to kick, you found yourself doing it without a second thought. You didn’t need to know the nature of their distaste for each other, and you did not need to know how bad they were suffering, but it certainly felt like you did. You could continue on perfectly fine without knowing that Jake and Sam were at each others throats, and you could make your decision without the weight of their feelings on your shoulders, but you didn’t want to. Somewhere in the months of dating them, needs and wants had been skewed to the point where you could no longer tell the difference.

“Yeah,” Danny said, slow and easy to allow you the chance to back out of your initiation. He watched you, waiting to see if you wanted to go back to silence. Instead, you flickered your eyes towards him, hoping he would tell you more. “They’ve been insufferable for a while, now. At first it was just snippy remarks, nothing too serious, but now it’s almost impossible to be around them, alone or together.” You gave a slow nod, just to let him know that you were listening.

“Oh,” you said, looking down at the paper cup in your hands. The warmth was nice, warding off the chill in your fingertips. The smoking and drinking had done quite poorly for your circulation, and you found yourself cold more often than not. Maybe it also had to do with the fact you no longer had anyone around to warm you up, or to help you forget about your minor inconveniences.

“What about you?” He asked, knowing that he was close enough with you to pry a little bit. You didn’t respond, still focused on the surging heat from the coffee. “Haven’t heard much from you lately.”

“Surviving,” you said, honest but short. You were afraid that if you opened your heart, you would never be able to stop the flood of emotions that would come. “Everything gets better with time, right?” You found your lips upturn into a little smile as a chuckle fell from you lips, but it was not funny, and not one part of you believed it was. You had to laugh at the incredulity of the situation, and the hopelessness that you were covering with fake optimism. If you didn’t, the sheer weight of it would be soul-crushing.

“Will this one, though?” Dylan asked, taking a sip from her own drink.

“I’m hoping that it will.” You answered, catching sight of the muffin beside you. The thought of eating was enough to turn your stomach, and you were beginning to regret wasting the money on it.

“Maybe it’ll help if you talk about it.” She offered, eyes burning holes into your head. You fidgeted with the ring on your finger, feeling the nervous jitters already begin to take over. The thought of talking about the brothers was sending you into a panic; you had no idea where to begin, and no idea where it ended. You felt lost, stuck within a struggle that was never going to end.

“I don’t think anything can help,” you leaned back into the booth, eyes closed as you wished the scratchy fabric would engulf you just so you could escape the conversation.

“Try,” Danny offered, his tone more firm than Dylan’s. He was just as willing to comfort you, but he wasn’t willing to coddle you as much as she was. At the sound, you cracked one eyelid open, peering over at the two of them for the first time since you took a seat. They were sitting close together, much closer than two friends concerned about their other friends. Their legs were resting against each other, and he mindlessly had an arm resting on the back of the booth behind her, like he didn’t even notice the incriminating detail because it was so natural for him to do. She was leaning into his side ever so slightly, almost unnoticeable to anyone who didn’t know them so well, and had you looked a little closer earlier, you would have noticed that she was wearing his shirt long before that moment.

You opened both your eyes, lifting your head from the seat with a true, genuine smile forming on your lips. The confusion started on Danny’s features, and slowly spread to Dylan’s face. They had no idea where your sudden change in demeanour stemmed from, but they were certain you were going to tell them. “How long?” You raised an eyebrow, finding more energy in your body than you had felt in days.

“What are you talking about?” Dylan asked, but the nervous twitch in her eye was a dead giveaway. Her cheeks dusted red ever so slightly, leading you to believe that she really thought they were doing a fantastic job at keeping their relationship secret.

“I’m heartbroken, not blind.” You reminded. “That’s not your shirt, and you two look awfully comfortable together.” They shared a look, both bewildered at your detective work as if they weren’t all but screaming their love for each other.

“How did this become about us?” Danny raised an eyebrow, but was not refusing your claim.

“Come on,” you pleaded. “It’s exhausting always being in the spotlight. Let me rave about someone else’s relationship for once, and not my own fucked up mess.” Your tone was lighter than it was before, filled with a hint of joy at the thought of them being together.

“Fine,” she chuckled, her face burning brighter than the sun. “It started the night we signed the tour agreement.” She muttered. You felt like your eyes were going to pop out of your head with how shocked you were.

“Wasn’t anything serious at first. We just hit it off and decided to see where it would go.” Danny shrugged.

“And it went,” you laughed, feeling a sense of shame wash over you for being so oblivious. “And you guys kept it a secret for this long?”

“It hasn’t really been secret, I guess.” Dylan said, toying with the straw in her iced coffee. “Just never announced it.”

“You should have told me!” You sat up, now completely immersed in the topic at hand.

“I guess… we just figured that you had so much going on, we didn’t want to add any more stress.” The words equated to a stab in the chest. You couldn’t hide your grimace, even though you tried your absolute best to do so. Your discontent had nothing to do with the relationship between them, but everything to do with your own selfishness over the past weeks. You were so caught up in your own hurt that your best friends thought it best to keep their biggest news to themselves.

“I’m sorry,” you said, feeling your heart sink to your stomach. “I’m so happy for you guys, and I’m so sorry that you felt like you couldn’t tell me.”

“No,” Danny shook his head, stopping you from speaking any further. “We always knew we could tell you. It’s not like that. We just didn’t wanted to make sure that we were going to work before announcing anything, and all you do is worry about people. We knew you were going to worry no matter what, even if you didn’t need to.” He clarified.

“Well, yeah. That’s what I do best.” you managed a laugh. “I just… wish I wasn’t so distracted. Feels like I’ve been missing out on everything while caught up on just… something.” You attempted to word your statement correctly, but it didn’t seem to be close to how you were really feeling. “But I want to celebrate with you, to pop out the champagne bottles and balloons. You guys are my best friends, and I think this is something worth celebrating.” You explained, taking a small sip from your cup. “You guys look great together, and I’m so happy that you seem happy.”

“We can pop out the champagne bottles whenever, y/n. Life’s full of celebration, and it doesn’t have a timeline. When we do it, I want you to be happy, too. I don’t want you cheering for us and drowning when you’re by yourself.” Dylan explained. “Celebrating is for when everybody is happy, so once you get there too, we can all blow up balloons.” You smiled at her words, but it was not genuine. Although the concern was endearing, you had two issues with it; you felt like the misery would never end, and by wording it that way, it just seemed like they didn’t want to brag about their fantastic romance while you were crushed under the weight of your own love life. You knew logically that it was not the case, but emotionally, you believed it to be the truth.

“Okay,” you nodded. “When the time comes, we’ll party so hard that we’ll never want to party again.” You offered. The two shared a laugh, agreeing with the sentiment. They seemed to relax their posture, leaning into each other with less hesitancy.

“Now it’s your turn to talk.” Danny reminded, not willing to let you off the hook so easily. Your eyes fluttered to him, showing displeasure with his statement. He didn’t seem to care, and you knew he never would. When it came to talking about your problems, he would never let you walk away. He had let you sulk for longer than he liked, and he wasn’t willing to let you suffer alone any longer. Plus, he was eager to resolve the tension in hopes that the brothers would be more pleasant to deal with. It didn’t take a genius to see that their frustration with each other was ultimately tied to their love for you, and the more time that passed, the worse all three of you felt.

As you thought about the proper way to express how you were feeling, your mind seemed to drift elsewhere. Your thoughts settled on the simplicity between the couple before you, how natural they seemed to be, and how comfortable they felt with his arm around her. You weren’t sure you had ever felt that way with either boy. It had always been difficult to love them, prosing feelings of guilt and disdain. Just when you seemed to slip into routine, it would come crashing down with a declaration of emotion or hurt feelings. You tried to imagine which brother you would be most comfortable with, which one you could exist with similarly to Danny and Dylan, but every answer was painful, and the most logical was neither of them.

The thought of laying the situation to rest and coming out without a hand to hold was excruciating. After so much love and care you had experienced from them and given them, it was blasphemous to imagine a future where neither existed. You challenged every aspect of your own moral compass, and pushed every boundary you had cemented in place. In the months spent with the Kiszka brothers, you had completely reinvented yourself. In some ways, it was fantastic. In others, it was repulsive. You had learned how to love, and that you were capable of doing so after so long believing you weren’t. You had learned to love yourself despite your flaws, and how to let someone else inside the gate to your heart that you had welded shut long ago. At the same time, you realized your own power to hurt another, and the pain that came alongside loving someone so completely. You spent a lifetime believing that the perfect love would come easily, and it wouldn’t hurt you the same as it did in the past. Now, you had to come to terms with the fact that it was not true, and the reality was that when you open yourself to someone so fully, it is anything but easy, and it is bound to hurt sooner or later.

Intimacy is difficult, and love is terrifying, but all things considered, it was so beautiful that it made the downsides near obsolete. The hurt that came from your love for them proved you were human, and that you were capable of all things you swore you weren’t. Worst of all, it showed you that love was worth the pain, especially if it was love for Sam and Jake. You cared about them so much that hurt was unimportant as long as it meant you were able to love them in the end. You hated admitting that the situation that had been so difficult to overcome had also taught you so much, but it was true. Their love, despite the turmoil, had shown you the most beautiful parts of life that you otherwise never would have cared to see. No matter what happened in the end, you would forever be grateful for the time you were lucky enough to spend with them. Whether you walked away with Sam, or Jake, or even neither of them, you could not find it within yourself to regret opening your heart to them. Mistakes made along the way had shown you how to do better next time, and you were no longer afraid of falling, because you had learned that getting back up was easier than the fear of falling itself.

Despite your revelations, you sat and studied the two bodies before you. You watched as she slipped her hand into his, how they shared jokes with their eyes and smiled at the slightest of movements. They were joyous at the thought of loving each other, and as happy as you were for them, you were incredibly envious. You were desperate to love without guilt, and aching to be loved without anything standing in the way. You wondered if you would ever have that with either boy, but had to stop the thought before it started. To wish to love them like so was only a luxury you could have when you knew which boy you craved it with, and that decision was still long to be made. You knew you wanted it, but not who you wanted to do it with. Your own indecision was killing you, but you did not have the resources to come to a conclusion. You weren’t sure if there were enough resources on the earth to deal with such a harsh situation, but you knew the clock was ticking near the end. If you didn’t decide soon, you would succumb to your own stupidity.

“I don’t know how to feel anymore,” you finally spoke. “I’m so caught up in my own head that I’ve barely been able to get out of bed. I’m so scared of hurting them that I’m hurting myself instead, and it’s just not going away.” You let your head fall into your hands, trying to keep it from collapsing under the weight of your sorrows. “I love them. I love them both so much that it pains me to think about it, sometimes, and every time I think I’m coming close to a decision, something else happens to change my mind. I can’t stay stuck loving both of them for the rest of my life, but I don’t know if I can let either of them go.”

“Okay,” Danny said, soaking in the mess words you had poured out. “You need to stop worrying about them, y/n.” He wasn’t blind to the hurt that Jake and Sam had been feeling, but his lack of sympathy for them was greater than his concern for their turmoil. “What I told you way back in the beginning, that was true. I still feel that way, and even if they’re hurting over this too, it doesn’t make it fair that they backed you into a corner. I’m sorry, because I know I encouraged you to entertain it, but I never meant for you to hurt this bad over it.”

“It’s not your fault, Danny. No, they shouldn’t get away with this anymore, but I certainly didn’t help myself. I never thought I was invincible, but I really didn’t think it would be this bad.” You said, squeezing your eyes shut in hopes that it would stop the pounding against your skull. “Entertaining both may have taught them a lesson, but I knew that there was no way out of this without hurting someone. I taught myself more lessons than anything else.” Your hands dropped to the table, returning back to the cup in hopes that the warmth would not only sooth your skin, but maybe distract you from the incessant ache in your chest. “I never should have let it get to this, and I should have never believed I could outdo the masters at their own game.”

“They’ve definitely learned their lessons, y/n.” Dylan said, looking between you and Danny, desperate to help. “I know you’ve been avoiding them, but we all see it.”

“They are impossible to be around. They’re arguing all of the time, and I think they finally understand that what they’re doing is wrong. They’re both so in love with you, and they’re mad at the other for the same thing. They’re ready to lay it to rest, you’re ready to lay it to rest, and you don’t have to feel guilty for making a decision. They knew what all of the possibilities were when they started this.” Danny explained. “Don’t kill yourself with guilt. Your heart wants what it wants, y/n. I know that somewhere in your brain you know who you want to be with. You know which one feels comfortable, which one is easygoing, and which one fulfilling. You might not recognize it when you think of it, but you feel it when they’re around.”

“It feels like…” you started, but stopped yourself before going any further. You thought about your words, carefully picking them from your brain and arranging the perfect way to explain how it felt to love them. “You kill a plant when you give it too much water.” You stated, eyes focused on the scribble on the lid of your coffee cup. “You hold something tightly to protect it, but it still slips from your fingers and you break it. You always snap the strings on your favourite guitar, not because of misuse, but overuse. You exude so much caution when walking on ice, and you still fall and break your wrist.” You trailed off, tapping your foot against the ground to calm your nerves. “You care too much about something, and end up destroying it. That’s how it feels to love them. I try so hard to be the best for them, to love them properly, just to make sure that when I pick, I am certain that my heart is in the right place. I keep hoping that by being genuine, by pouring my soul into loving them, the answer is going to surface on its own, but it’s nowhere to be found. In fact, it’s further away than it was when this started. The harder I try, the worse it gets. The more I care, the more it hurts. I have no idea what’s right, or what’s wrong, and sometimes I feel like the best way to decide is to stop caring.”

The two watched, unsure of how to respond. After a moment, Dylan spoke first. “You should write music. With words like that, you could win awards.” She said, a smile toying on her lips. “Have you ever tried it?”

“Oh, shut up.” You huffed, but a laugh was rising in your throat. “By now, I should know which one feels right, but they both do, even if it’s in their own fucked up ways. Some things are easy with one, and hard with the other, but neither of them are ahead in that race. As for love… how can you explain how you love someone? And how can you differentiate when you love two things so similarly and so much?”

“Similarly,” Danny noted, cutting off your rambling. “You love them similarly, but not the same. You just need to find out which one is better for you. Not in general, not to anyone else, but the love that you get from them… it needs to suit you, and what you need. Once you figure that out, you’ll have your answer.” You gave a slow nod, finally latching on to the first piece of advice that had spoken to you. Throughout the entire ordeal, any advice or help seemed to wash off the same as rain on a sunny day. Danny was right, and his words struck you harder than a blow to the stomach. You had to stop thinking of them as the same, because it made it impossible to offset their differences. Although they were alike, they were two completely different people, and they deserved to be recognized as such. They prompted different emotions within you, different reactions, and they loved you in two completely unique ways.

A decision was not impossible, you just needed to look at it through a different lens. Perspective was important, and it was something you had been lacking. You viewed the situation through tunnel vision, with one outcome and nothing more. A world of possibilities were in your hand, and you just needed to know what possibility complimented the future you envisioned for yourself. “I’m good at being alone. I always have been, and I thought I liked it.” You sighed. “Now I’m starting to think I hate it, because seclusion is tempting until I’m faced with the thought of never being loved again. I want to push them away, to pick neither of them to spare some heartache, but I’m so scared of never being loved again that it almost paralyses me.”

“There’s plenty of love in this world for you, y/n. If you decide that you don’t want to be with either of them, that’s okay, too.” Dylan said, the third option more tempting than most other thoughts.

“I know.” You nodded. “I’ll be loved again, even if it’s not by them. I know I can love, and I know people can love me. But, I know that I will never feel love like this again if I let both of them go. As much as it kills me, it’s been the most fantastic thing I’ve ever experienced.”

“That’s up to you to decide,” Danny said, hoping to catch your eye. “That’s what we’re saying. Nobody gets to tell you how to feel, or who to pick, because only you know what’s right for you. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. They’re going to hurt, and there’s no way to avoid it, and you are too. What matters is that you’ll all get over that and move on, even if it takes a while. You can’t let hurt stop you from moving forward, because you’re hurting just the same while you’re stuck here. The only thing that you need to know what is going to make you the happiest in the end.”

“You’re right,” you agreed, feeling his reassurance chipping away at some of the weight on your shoulders. “I guess I’m just scared of almost’s. Almost happy, almost succeeding, almost there, almost home. I’m terrified of making the wrong decision and having the right one be just out of reach. I’m scared of coming close, but happiness being just a little too far away. I feel like I’ve lived my life being almost there, but I never seemed to find the courage to take the last step. I’m sick of mediocrity, and I’m desperate to be content. I’m scared that I’m going to pick one when the true happiness is with the other.”

“That’s your problem, bug.” Danny finally reached out, grabbing your hand in his own like he’d done a million times before. This time, it felt different. This time, it felt like he was giving you all of the answers to the universe. “You’re chasing after happiness like it’s a destination. We’re not born to follow a path to be happy. It comes along the way.”

“Yeah,” Dylan agreed, reaching out for your other hand. “You get to make the happiness, not wait for it to find you. Whoever you pick is going to be the luckiest bastard to ever walk this earth, but they are not going to be the reason for your happiness. You are, and they just get to make it even better.” You let your eyes flutter closed, hoping that your eyelids would block the tears desperate to be shed. Still, despite your efforts, one slipped out and rolled down your cheek. You had never felt so much love, and it had nothing to do with romance. You had found yourself so frantic for love that you had tricked yourself into believing it could only exist romantically. In truth, love surrounded you all of the time. You had friends willing to pause their own happiness to help with yours, people who would give their lives to ensure you could live on. Even if your predicament turned volatile, you knew you had an army of friends who would support you until you could walk on your own again, and they would do it without a single complaint.

Whoever you picked, whether that be Sam or Jake, or even neither of them, you would find happiness within your choice because it was the first one you had ever truly made for yourself. All pain had to come to an end eventually, and you were stuck on a road that was rockier than some others. You might have a flat tire, or some scrapes and bruises, but you would come out fine on the other side. You knew it was time to stop thinking of the situation as the end of the world, but rather the beginning. “Thank you.” You gave both of their hands a squeeze, taking in a long breath. “I needed that.” You laughed, releasing your hold on them to wipe your face clean of the sadness.

“That’s what we’re here for.” Dylan assured you, sending a smile your way. “You take as long as you need to. Nobody is telling you that you need to know right now, but you can’t keep punishing yourself for mistakes all three of you are making.”

“I know, you’re right.” You let out a long sigh, releasing all of the tension you had been holding. “I’ll get through this, and I’ll be better for it. No matter what happens.” The two smiled, nodding along with your words and happy that you’d come to that conclusion. “But you know what? I’m mad. All the love and sadness aside, I’m so angry with them. I told them in the beginning that this was stupid. I warned them that this was a terrible idea and someone was bound to get hurt, but they were so damn cocky that they wouldn’t listen to a word I said.” Danny let out a laugh at your words.

“Yeah, that’s Jake and Sam. Always sure of themselves and never willing to admit they’re wrong.” He said, leaning back in the booth again.

“You can say that again.” You agreed, not needing him to confirm your opinion. Just as you did, all of your phones let out a simultaneous chime. You shared a look, still meticulously sipping on your drinks, knowing exactly what the messages contained. “Show time.” You grinned. “No time for emotions, we’ve got a city to impress.” Without another word, you all slid from your seats, stretching as you got to your feet. Danny walked first to the door, holding it open for the both of you as you broke out into the street once more. The afternoon air was refreshing and the sun less harsh now that your hangover had passed and settled into a dull memory.

“You know, if you’re angry, show them.” Dylan said, quiet enough that only you could hear her. She was leaned into you, away from Danny who was walking on the other side of her.

“What do you mean?” You asked, noticing the group of people pooled in front of the entrance to the hotel. There were cars waiting to take you to the venue, and the rest of your company was patiently awaiting your arrival.

“I mean, you’ve been sad and secluded. Show them you’re angry, not heartbroken. Get up on stage tonight and tell them how angry you are. Music speaks to the heart, right?” She explained, the three of you now in earshot of the rest of the boys. “If you can’t talk to them, you have to find another way to tell them how you’re feeling.” You thought about her idea while you joined Riley near one of the vehicles. Her words seeped into your brain, the logic irrefutable and tempting. Music was your only outlet, and happened to be the best outlet for the way you were feeling. If you could speak the words to tell them how you felt, you could definitely sing them.

You climbed into the backseat, followed closely by the rest of your bandmates. You were barely able to focus on the small talk Dylan and Riley found themselves in, which was not abnormal for you lately. This time, it was not due to your lack of interest, it was simply because you were itching to get to the venue and get on stage. The city passed by in a blur as you watched out the window while pedestrians carried on with their day. Sometimes, now with the life you were living, you forgot what it was like to live a simple life, one where you walked on the street without recognition and went to sleep every night with nobody knowing your name. Part of you missed it, even if you were living your dream. Fame was not exactly the word you would use to describe your current situation, but it was definitely close to it. You had fans, people who spoke about you in twitter chains and posted concert pictures as if your shows were important. You were noticed at stores, even asked for pictures every so often, and your interviews were being uploaded to YouTube and written in magazine articles. It was far from the fame the boys found themselves in, but with time, you knew it would not be out of the question for you to live the same kind of lifestyle.

Although you were not fully immersed in the culture of a rockstar, you had a taste of it every now and again. Fans approaching you was still a foreign feeling, but it was exhilarating. Sharing your art with the world was beautiful in its own way, even if you did miss the seclusion of your life prior to touring. The idea of always having someone know your name was different, and a bit hard to adjust to. Every day, your Instagram pages gained more attention and followers, as did the rest of your social media. You had people reaching out for more recording opportunities, and you for once felt like you made it in the world you had previously had so much doubt about. You had everything you ever wanted, but it still seemed a bit lacklustre. The only thing you could accredit the dullness to was your indecision between Jake and Sam. You thought that your life would be picturesque and perfect, even, if you could cut out the pain of being stuck in the middle. In truth, it had nothing to do with your own conflicts, and it had everything to do with the lack of love. You thought maybe you would truly be fulfilled if you had someone to share the experience with, and that was hard to swallow, especially for someone who had be so adamant on being alone for her whole life.

When the car rolled to a stop, you practically fell over yourself getting out. Riley and Dylan followed, looking to you for guidance on where to go. You reached into your pocket, retrieving a cigarette pack and a lighter. You pulled one out for yourself and offered it to the other two. They grabbed one, assuming that this was your version of a meeting. You lit your own, trying your best to ignore the bodies surrounding the car ahead of yours. You could feel two sets of eyes staring, but you were confident that your willpower was strong enough to ignore them. “Let me lead the soundcheck,” you said, flicking the ash from the end of your cigarette. “I’ve got a couple songs I want to try out.”

“Yeah, sure.” Dylan said, hiding a smile that was begging to break through. “Care to enlighten us?”

“Mmm, no.” You shook your head. “It’s a surprise.” With that, you heard Aaron calling for you all to go inside. You flicked the butt to the ground and stepped on it, immediately stepping towards the doorway. By now, sound checks, meetings and rehearsals were routine. Your anxiety had completely vanished, and you were no more nervous showing up at venues than you were your recording job back home. You were just as good at performing as you were at your college degree, and you felt more comfortable on stage than you had ever felt in your entire life.

You let the boys enter first, then followed close behind. Aaron was quick to shoot orders as you stepped inside, but it was nothing new to you. He was a fantastic friend outside of work hours, and a fantastic manager. Still, it took some time to get used to the strict schedule he aimed to uphold. “You’re up first.” Aaron pointed to the side stage as he walked beside you. “Schedule’s a bit tight today; only have about forty minutes for you guys to finish up.”

“We’ll make it quick, then.” You assured him, taking off towards the stage. Your Les Paul was sitting there, shining with a new polish and unfortunately, a new set of strings. You had broken one at the last show and ultimately came to the decision to replace them all, knowing that after the use they were getting, the rest were bound to follow. You slipped the strap over your head, strumming the strings. You grimaced at the sound, all of the strings perfectly out of tune from the last time you had picked it up. You took to the tuning pegs, carefully winding them up while you plucked them. When the tone sounded right, you looked towards your drummer. “Fuckin’ things.” You grumbled, kicking on a pedal.

“At least she looks nice.” She nodded towards the spotless finish on the body. You gave a shrug, unable to disagree. While she waited, she was gently tapping her sticks against the rim of one of her drums, sending an echo of metallic clinging through the air. She was always antsy, ready for action as soon as the opportunity arose, and you loved her for it. She was the best person to have by your side all of the time, and a fantastic motivation to keep going even when you didn’t want to anymore.

“She’s always beautiful,” you corrected, flashing a smile after your statement. “You guys ready?”

“Whenever you are.” She said. Riley gave a thumbs up, always content no matter what was happening.

“Keep up, now.” You teased, feeling a shred of your personality making a return. You hit the first few notes, finding the sharp sound from the new strings add to the already strong intro. You looked out to the empty stadium, finding the four boys looking up at you from the barricade. It was a tradition you had all taken upon yourselves, realizing that soundcheck was your only opportunity to genuinely see each other in a proper concert setting. It was intimate, it was nice, and It was exactly what you were counting on, but it did not mean that it was easy to see Sam and Jake’s sad eyes staring up at you.

Riley quickly joined in with the bass line, a smile stuck on his lips. He loved the song, but it was not one you played often, and It was arguably one of the most enjoyable songs to sing together. Dylan slammed the sticks to the drums in a beat of three, happy to go along with anything you wanted to play. They were both the most easygoing bandmates you had ever come across, never caring too much about what you did as long as they could do it with you. You finished the picking for the intro and Dylan lead you in with a fill. You jumped to the mic, looking first at Riley to make sure you had the confidence to perform it as you intended to.

“What kind of love have you got?

You should be home but you’re not.” You sang, strong and steady. The feeling of the music in your bones always seemed to take hold of you, transforming you into a completely different person when you were on stage. You strummed the power chords, watching as Riley leaned into the mic to join you.

“A room full of noise and dangerous boys,

Still makes you thirsty and hot.” He sang through the rest of the first verse, looking to you to pick up where he left off only to find you looking in a completely different direction.

“Victim of love, I see a broken heart

You got your stories to tell” you caught Jake’s eye, singing directly to him. He held your gaze, desperate for even an ounce of attention from you, but clearly displeased by your song choice. Although it felt nice to be seen by you again, he would have preferred it not be in a display of your fucked up romance on stage. Before he could get to upset over your theatrics, your attention had already shifted to his brother who sat seats away, leaving Danny and Josh in the middle to act as a barrier between him and Jake. “Victim of love, it’s such an easy part

And you know how to play it so well.” You did not linger over Sam’s face for a reaction, not wanting to make it overtly obvious that you were speaking to them through the song. You looked back to Riley as you began the second verse.

“Some people never come clean,

I think you know what I mean, oh

You’re walkin’ the wire between pain and desire

Looking for love in between.” You stepped back, losing yourself in the guitar as Riley finished the verse for you. You sang the chorus again before getting into the solo, making sure to look everywhere but the two boys you were singing about. It was a short solo, but one filled with emotion, and heightened even further by the own anguish existing in your heart. You let Riley sing the next chorus, echoing in the background as he took the spotlight. When the last lines drew near, all eyes were on you as you prepared to end the song.

“You’re just a victim of love

I see a broken heart

I could be wrong but I’m not, no I’m not

Victim of love

Now you’re a victim of love

We’re not so far apart

Show me, what kind of love have you got?” You were breathless, heart erratic as it tried to keep up with the energy radiating from you. Riley joined you in echoing the last line twice before cutting out all of the instruments abruptly, leaving the impact much larger than you thought it would be. The brothers sat, a grim look on their features as you swiped the hair from your face. You didn’t bother looking back at them before jumping straight into the next song, eager to prove a point. Though your point was long past proven, and now you were only rubbing salt in an already fatal wound. The boys were well aware of your hurt; they could see it written clearly across your face while you sang. Part of them felt remorse for making you feel such a way, but a bigger, more immature part of them was blaming each other for putting you in the position.

You plucked the melody, frustrated that you had to stop and retune the strings. Your hands were shaking, emitting all of the pain you had kept locked away for days. When your fingers returned to the fretboard, you could barely keep them steady. You picked a tune, looking to Dylan in hopes she would recognize it. It only took her a second before she caught on, nodding her head in understanding. You kicked off the distortion, waiting for her to lead you in. She hit a few beats, triggering Riley as if it were instinct. It was a game the three of you liked to play; it kept you in sync with each other, and helped you to remember how fundamentally important each of you were to the band. You continued with the tune, adding a touch of reverb with your pedals. You took to the mic, ready to open your heart to the intimate audience. You thought it would be more difficult to play for a huge crowd, but the struggle lied within the people, not the number. You were desperate to impress, and at the same time, long overdue for the release of emotion. Of all the experiences you had shared with the four boys, this was by far the most profound display of vulnerability you had ever shown.

“Now here you go again, you say you want your freedom

Well, who am I to keep you down?

It’s only right that you should play the way you feel it

But listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad

In the stillness of remembering what you had

And what you lost

What you had

Oh what you lost” you closed your eyes, finding it almost painful to look in their direction as you sang. Even as you closed your eyes, you could see their faces as clear as day. You knew them so well that you were sure that their faces were permanently engraved in your brain, destined to stay even if decades separated you. You sang the chorus, your stomach sick at the thought of the hurt you knew was written in their features. You did not have to look, because you could feel the weight of emotion in the room. As much as you thought your display was immature, you could think of no better way to explain yourself. As you finished the chorus, you slowed your fingers, changing the tune effortlessly while blending it with the previous song. It was something you had done a time or two with your bandmates, and had they not known your playing so well, they would never be able to keep up with it.

Instead of continuing with ‘Dreams’, you switched into the solo of ‘Silver Springs’. Riley softly plucked along with you, and Dylan slowed her drumming to a near stop to allow you the moment. She picked up in the middle, hitting a few fills before quieting herself once more. You carried on for a few seconds more, then all three of you buckled down with the intensity of your playing.

“Time casts its spell on you, but you won’t forget me

I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me.” You looked to Sam, feeling your throat constrict with the threat of tears. You looked towards Jake before continuing.

“I’ll follow you down ‘til the sound of my voice will haunt you

Give me just a chance

You’ll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

Was I such a fool?” You sang, blinking away the pooling tears in your eyes. Dylan and Riley were echoing you in their own microphone’s, but ultimately leaving you to air out your head. Dylan picked up her pace as you repeated the earlier lyrics, all of you growing more passionate the longer you played.

“You’ll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you” Dylan and Riley sang the line while you played, singing passionately atop of them.

“Never get away,

Never get away

You’ll never get away!” You took a breath, all of you settling back into a slow melody.

“You could be my silver springs, my

Blue green colours flashing.” You took a step back, knowing that the shine of tears on your cheeks was incredibly apparent under the burning stage light. You slipped the strap over your shoulder, placing your guitar on its stand, and walked off stage without another word. You wiped your tears before anyone could notice, nearly running into Aaron as you tumbled by. Dylan and Riley were behind you, ready for damage control if needed, but the weight that had been sitting on your chest seemed lighter than ever.

“You play like that tonight and I’ll start a record company of my own just to sign you on.” Aaron said, flashing you a smile.

“Better start working on it, then.” You laughed, feeling better than you had in days.

“Consider it done.” He chuckled, but was soon swallowed by the group of people moving towards the stage to switch out the instruments. You shuffled through the side door to the main floor of the arena, heaving a breath as you saw the boys come into sight. You walked towards them, hands out towards your sides and a smile on your face as if to ask them what they thought of the show.

“You’re stealing our spotlight, you know. Pretty soon, we’ll be opening for you.” Josh said, a grin plastered on his face. You shook your head, shutting the notion down before it could make any headway. He opened his arms, inviting you in for a hug. He could see the pain still hidden behind your eyes, but felt an invisible barrier between you. As much as he would have loved to be your shoulder to cry on, he felt that it would betray his brothers in some way. Josh had done fantastic at keeping out of the mess you all had created, but it did not mean he was blind to the effects. You practically fell into his arms, relieved at the familiarity but put off by the foreignness. So similar to the arms you craved, but different all the same.

The hug only lasted a moment, but you wished the bubble of comfort could have remained forever. When you were separated from the protection of his arms, you were faced with the staggering reality that you would not be able to ignore his siblings forever. You looked just slightly over your shoulder, catching a momentary glimpse of Sam. Your heart felt like it stopped, and your body yearned for him to come closer. He noticed your eyes, mostly because he never took his own away from you. You were the centre of the universe for both of them, the sole thing that kept them standing and the cushion to fall on if they were to falter.

There was no way you could look away from him now, he had already settled on you like a hunter looking for prey. He stepped towards you, dusting a light hand over your lower back but maintaining a respectable distance. Although he wanted to break every rule you had put into place, he knew it was better not to. “That was quite the performance, Princess.” He hummed, voice low so only you could hear him. Josh had quickly forgotten about your conversation and moved into one with your bassist, leaving the two of you on your lonesome. Well, alone unless you were counting Jake’s fury-filled gaze that was permanently fixed on the two of you. It was heavy, but you were both too involved in each other to notice.

“Sorry,” you whispered, feeling a sense of shame for the display you allowed for yourself.

“Don’t be. I’m glad you got it out.” He assured you. It had been days since you had spoken, and longer since you had felt his hands on you, but it seemed like no time had passed. You were just as comfortable with his touch, and just as welcoming of his love. You thought that maybe that was your sign, the comfortability that came with his company. “You’re gonna make one hell of a rockstar, y/n.”

“That’s bold coming from you.” You could feel a smile fighting its way onto your lips. Despite knowing that you should walk away, you couldn’t help but feed into the feeling of being with him again. “It’s very dark in your shadow, Sammy.”

“No shadow could ever cover all that talent. You were meant for that stage, even if it sucks when you’re singing songs about how stupid I am.”

“Don’t be so stupid, then.” You bit back a giggle.

“I’m trying.” He tightened his hold on you ever so slightly. “For you, I’m trying.” You finally managed the strength to look at his face. Once you did, you wished so badly that you hadn’t. As soon as you laid your eyes on him fully, you felt the same rush of emotion that you had been trying so hard to suppress. It was like within a second, you had fallen in love with him all over again.

“I know.” You breathed, fighting the urge to lean up and kiss him. You knew it would do nothing but make matters worse, but the devil was urging you to believe that it would solve everything. “I know, Sam.” You cut yourself off, feeling the need to shake the incessant thoughts from your mind. “You’re gonna do great tonight.” Your voice was strained, like you were forcing the wish of luck. In a sense, you were, but it was not because you thought their performance would be poor. It was because you did not want to end the conversation, even though you knew you had to.

“You, too.” He mumbled, feeling his face move closer to yours. For a second, just before your eyes fluttered closed, you pulled yourself back to reality. With a sharp intake of breath, you both stared at each other as you faced the reality of what you were about to do. “I’m sorry.” He said, removing his hand from you.

“It’s okay,” you assured him, but it was everything but okay. Not the fact he wanted to kiss you, but the fact that you wanted it too, and more than you wanted anything else. You opened your mouth to say something more, but couldn’t seem to find any words. Instead, you gave a tight-lipped smile and took a step away from him, chest aching at the thought of leaving him behind. You hated that it seemed like you had become strangers after spending so much time learning everything you could about each other. You were struggling with going from everything to nothing at all, and you had no idea how to move past it.

You took Dylan’s side, who was inches away from Danny. You couldn’t be mad at them for being happy, but it sure did hurt to see them fall in love while you had to learn how to fall out of love. Dylan immediately wrapped an arm around your shoulder, aware of the situation you had just shied away from and aware of the turmoil that was already running rampant in your brain.

“Fantastic work, as always.” Danny complimented. You gave a weak smile and muttered a thanks, still mentally invested in the moment you had shared with Sam.

“What, that little performance?” You tried to slide in a joke, just to ease the tension in the air. To follow, you let out a light scoff to solidify your humour. He let out a chuckle, rolling his eyes at your antics, but opting not to respond.

“Watch out,” Danny said, eyes shifting to his left. “He who shall not be named number two is coming over.” A feeling of panic rose in your chest, wanting to look and see who he was talking about, but knowing you shouldn’t. You were barely recovered from your interaction with Sam, and you knew one with Jake would only push you closer to insanity. “You can run, I’ll cover for you. I’m good at thinking on my feet.” He offered, but running would not get you any further. If you avoided him now, it would only lead to a worse situation later on.

“It’s okay.” You promised, but once again, it was far from okay. You hoped that somehow the floor would open up and swallow you whole, just so you could get out of a conversation with him. Before you could think any further, you could feel another body present itself beside you. From the look on Danny’s face, you knew all too well who was standing there. When the couple before you turned towards each other to give you privacy, you knew that you were stuck facing the harrowing reality that you couldn’t escape him.

“Every time I think that you couldn’t impress me any more, you seem to find a way.” The low tone settled in your soul, and despite feeling the urge to push him away, it wrapped around you like a warm hug on a cold day. “But I can’t help but think that the performance was pointed at me, Gold Dust Woman.”

“Seem to be forgetting our rules, Jacob.” You forced the words out, feeling choked by the overwhelming scent of sandalwood. Underneath the punch of the initial scent, it was calling to you like home would after a long while spent away.

“Seems like Sam has, too, but it didn’t look like you were calling him on his shit.” His words came out harsher than intended, his own hurt showing through his tough exterior. He didn’t want to approach you with any kind of hostility, but it was hard to hold back after seeing you almost fall back into the arms of his brother, especially since it had been so long since he was able to hold you.

“So you came over to fight?” You asked, keeping your eyes glued to the ground. You were defeated already without even given a fighting chance.

“I-no, y/n. I didn’t come over to fight.” He started with a defence, but realized that he had nothing to defend. You weren’t fighting, and he didn’t want to, either. “I came over be-“

“You guys are up! We don’t have much time!” Aaron called from the stage, cutting him off mid-sentence. You could see the anger flicker in Jake’s eyes, but he couldn’t argue with the boss. He stared at you for a moment, hoping you would at least look at him. After a second of silence, you did. When you caught sight of his face, you thought your legs were going to collapse from under you. The air in your lungs was stolen, and you wished so badly that he could stay.

“I came over because I miss you, Gold Dust Woman.” He confessed, the truth heavy but without question. “I miss you, and I know that you need space, but I just needed to hear your voice.”

“Clocks ticking, boys!” Aaron reminded, but aimed to keep his scolding light. You felt like it was impossible for you and Jake to break the staring contest you had found yourselves in. You could see the restraint in his eyes, and it was evident he was not keen on leaving. Even after the rest of his band made their way to the stage, he was stuck in the limbo with you, wondering if you would speak or if he would leave empty-handed. You couldn’t seem to find the words, wanting to tell him everything and anything he wanted to hear, but you couldn’t force yourself to say it. You felt it all, and even more intensely than the obvious need he was professing, but every time you thought you could muster enough strength to speak it, your throat seemed to constrict around the words. After a moment, he understood that you were not ready to talk yet, and he couldn’t find it within himself to force you to. Before turning away, he reached out and lightly squeezed your hand. Without another word, he was gone as if he never existed at all.

Your hands were vibrating, anxiety creeping in and taking hold of your entire body. You wanted to answer, to tell him how badly you missed him too, but it was difficult to form the right way to explain it to him. You knew if you could not find a way to tell him, he would not wait for you forever. The thought of losing Jake because of own inability to express yourself was gut wrenching, and after so much time, you thought it would be easier to talk to him about your feelings. You weren’t sure if it was because of his strong aura, always overshadowing anything else in the room, or his beauty, or the scent of his cologne that seemed to strangle you every time you came near him. Whatever it was, even after your profession of love, the thought of telling him how badly you needed him was overwhelming, and so much so that it seemed to choke you up just at the thought.

Dylan placed a hand on your shoulder, noticing the state you seemed to be stuck in. The feeling brought you back to reality, but reality seemed no better than the delusional state you had been in before. No matter which version of life you were living in, delusional or not, they all seemed to be painful. Even in a perfect world, it felt like your situation would never resolve peacefully, and the knowledge of that fact alone was killing you. You took to the barricade, placing your hands on it to hold yourself upright. Dylan stood beside you, patiently waiting for you to speak. You watched the boys tune their instruments, lost in thought about both interactions.

“I don’t know why it’s so hard.” You whispered.

“What’s hard?” She asked, looking to you.

“Telling him how I feel. It’s… it’s always been so easy to talk to Sam, but never Jake. I care about him so much, and he means so much to me, but I just can’t ever seem to tell him that.”

“It’s always hard to tell people how you feel, especially if you care that much.” She assured you. “You’re feeling a lot of things right now, you don’t have to be so hard on yourself.”

“If I’m not hard on myself, I’ll never choose between them.” You muttered, holding back a grimace at the thought. “I don’t know… I just feel like after this long, after everything we’ve been through, I should be able to tell him everything, right?” You looked over at her, hoping for an answer that would give you some guidance.

“It depends,” she shrugged “if you were the type of person who normally found it easy to express yourself, yeah, but you’re not and you never have been. You can take it as a sign, or you can dig a little deeper to find out why you can’t talk to him. I love you, and I wish I could give you the best answer, but that’s all I’ve got.”

“I appreciate it,” you said, looking back to the stage in time for them to begin their first song. Sam began an intro, fingers dancing gracefully over the keys of the piano. You let your eyes flutter closed, thinking that if you focused on the music, you would be able to forget your troubles for a moment. The other boys followed suit with their instruments, and after a few moments, Josh began singing the lyrics to ‘Light My Love’. A small smile graced your lips, the sound of Josh’s voice instantly filling you with joy.

When the chorus came around, he sang it perfectly, and the boys played just the same. You knew that despite all of the trouble you’d been facing over the past weeks, you were still incredibly lucky to be able to tour with your best friends and listen to their music so intimately. No matter how your romantic endeavours ended, you would never regret the time spent travelling the world with them. Just as the next verse was about to begin, Sam fumbled the last few notes of his run, losing the tempo and ultimately messing up the rest of the playing. Jake cut out his guitar, looking across the stage at his brother with anger written across his face. Danny slowed to a stop, and Josh took a step back towards the drum set, hopeful to avoid being amidst the conflict that was bound to ensue.

“If you can’t keep up with us, don’t bother getting on stage tonight.” Jake snapped, looking away before Sam could even react.

“Fuck off.” He rolled his eyes, retrying the notes and hitting them perfectly. “Try it again.” He said, only waiting a few seconds before re-starting. The second time around, the song went without a hitch. The incident seemed to roll off Sam like water on a duck’s back, only motivating him to do better rather than knocking him down. When they finished, Jake kicked on a few pedals and started another song without any discussion. The guitar was enchanting, the sound immediately filling the empty stadium and sending a chill down your spine.

“This has to be my favourite,” you said, looking over at Dylan. She gave a slow nod, carefully watching Danny as he played.

“Broken Bells is pretty good,” she hummed “but I don’t know if it beats Tears of Rain.” You raised an eyebrow, tilting your head to the side as you debated her opinion.

“Yeah, it’s a pretty close match.” You chuckled, turning back towards the stage. You quietly sang along with Josh, eyes never leaving Jake’s hands on the fretboard. As conflicted as you were about everything you were feeling, you certainly did not have any doubts about how much you missed the talent of his hands. You felt like you were in a trance, pulled in only further as he lead into the solo.

He played it so effortlessly that sometimes you had to question if it was really him, or if he was just pretending to play over a backtrack. When the peak of the solo hit, you found yourself biting the inside of your lip in anticipation, leaning in closer to the stage as if it would heighten your ability to listen. Your focus broke as his finger slipped, sending an off note ringing through the air. He quickly tried to cover the mistake, catching himself back up to speed. He managed a few more notes, but ultimately hit the wrong string again. This time, he couldn’t seem to cover the mistake. Sam looked over, plucking a few notes to see if he would continue on. When Danny stopped his drumming, Jake barred the fretboard, halting any resonance that was lingering from the instrument. You could tell he was pissed, even if he was trying his best not to show it. You knew that flame in his eye all too well, and you hoped that Sam was smart enough not to comment on his mishap, even if he may have deserved it.

“I’m the one that shouldn’t get on stage?” Sam scoffed. Jakes head snapped up, and although you could not see the glare that was shot in Sam’s direction, you were certain it was grievous.

“Let’s not start keeping score,” he warned “because I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like the results.” Without another word, as if he felt the need to prove his talent, he jumped straight into song once more. This time, it was not an intro, but rather the solo to ‘The Weight of Dreams’. He started slow, allowing Danny and Sam to join in. As the solo progressed, he got more comfortable with playing. When he was certain his hands were in time with his mind, he sped the pace of the song. The other two easily kept up with him, but the longer he played, the faster he got. By the third minute, Sam and Danny were lost and no longer able to play along with him. Sam let his hands drop from his instrument, looking to Danny who had also put down his sticks. They shared a silent moment of annoyance as Jake finished his tyranny.

When he stopped he was out of breath but adorned a cocky smirk on his lips. When he looked up, he immediately noticed the disdain on his bandmates faces. “You finished showing off?” Sam snapped. “Because I’d like to get back to the soundcheck, if it’s convenient for you.”

“It’s not my fault you can’t keep up.” He chuckled, barely acknowledging the tension in the air.

“Pretty hard to keep up when you make it a point to make everything about you.” Sam said, taking a step towards the stand for his bass. “Didn’t realize soundchecks were a fucking competition, too.”

“The floors all yours, Sammy. Take it away.” Jake offered, motioning his arms around the stage. “Or are you pissed off because nobody cares about your shitty bass playing?”

“Yeah, that’s it. You caught me.” He rolled his eyes, slipping his strap over his head and placing the bass guitar back on the stand. “Let me know when you’re ready to grow up do your fucking job.” He took a step towards the side stage, eager to escape the conversation.

“Oh, get over yourself, Sam. Get back here.” Jake called after him.

“Get over myself?” Sam turned just before he stepped out of view. “What are you trying to prove, Jake? Do you really think that acting like an asshole is going to get you any further?” He questioned. You had never seen Sam so furious. In your entire time knowing him, he’d been the same goofy personality that was eager to break the tension with a joke. Besides an occasional snippy remark to his brothers, Sam had never been anything other than content around you. “It’s over, man. If she wants to pick you, she will. If she wants to pick me, she will. Stop trying to show off with your shitty fucking solo’s and the tough guy act. You’ve done more than enough; stop putting her through more unnecessary shit.”

You couldn’t look away, horrified that they were airing out your dirty laundry in front of everyone. You were sick, palms clammy and heart erratic as you waited for a response. You wanted to yell, to tell them to stop and put an end to their antics, but you knew that you could scream until your lungs collapsed and it would not even begin to diffuse the bomb waiting to explode. “Guys, come on.” Danny tried, setting his sticks on top of his drums and standing to intervene.

“I’m the one putting her through shit?” Jake raised an eyebrow, appalled at the sound of Sam’s accusation. “You say that like you’re fucking innocent. I had her first, Sam. Not you, because you were too fucking scared to speak up. A little cowardly to confess your feelings to someone only after someone else makes a move, don’t you think?” Your face was bright red and you thought you were going to be sick. Never in a million years did you predict that the catastrophic end would turn out anything like this.

“She’s right there, guys. Can you deal with this by yourselves, maybe?” Josh offered, looking to you with a hint of sadness in his eye.

“Cowardly?” Sam boomed, taking a step towards the group again. “I’m not the one who waited until she was hammered to make a move! That’s your go-to? Did you think that she’d say no if she was sober? That she would only agree to sleep with you when she had half of her common-sense?” You could see Jake’s hands vibrating, the iron grip he had on the neck of his guitar nearly splintering the wood. “Cut the shit, Jake. You and I both know that this has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me. Was it because you wanted her, or because you wanted to make sure I couldn’t have her?” With that, Sam turned to walk off the stage before Jake could reply. The accusations that Jake did not love you wholeheartedly was too much for him to let slide, and for you, too. It had been something that you were fearful of the entire time you were with them, that they only wanted you so the other could not have you. The sound of the idea lingering in the air prompted a wave of nausea over you, now distracted from the show by your own hurt.

A crash sounded, catching you off guard and echoing throughout the room whilst painting the walls like a gruesome decoration. It was violently loud and uncharacteristic in comparison to the pleasant noise that usually came from the stage when the boys took post upon it. All arguing had ceased, and any attempt at smoothing out the conflict was long forgotten. You felt frozen with fear as your eyes drifted towards the ground, praying that the sound was not what you thought, even though you knew it was. Everyone was looking at the same thing, feeling the same cold dread fill your bodies; Jake’s guitar laid on the ground, disregarded and abused as if it were not the very thing that kept his heart beating.

He had thrown the strap from his shoulder and discarded the instrument the same as you would trash, barely even looking to it as it fell to the ground. The squeal from the amp was obnoxiously loud, nearly deafening as it rang. The poor connection from the cord to the instrument only furthered the intensity of the moment. A member from the crew ran to cut the power, but Jake was already long gone from sight, leaving his mess behind with little care. The only thought in his head was ones of anger towards Sam, and he headed in the same direction that his youngest brother had gone only seconds before. You had only enough time to share a glance with Dylan before the tense, empty air filled with shouting, venom clearly laced within both voices. Although you could not see the perpetrators, it was not hard to guess who was causing the disturbance.

“Shit,” Dylan whispered, eyes wide. You could not even find it within yourself to reiterate her words of shock before you took off into a run, thinking that you may be able to do damage control before it got too out of hand. You nearly busted down the door to the backstage entrance, tripping over yourself to get to the boys before anything regretful ensued. When you made it down the hallway, barely any time had elapsed since they had disappeared from sight, but the intensity of emotion had gravely increased. Danny and Josh had made it before you, but knew enough to keep a respectful distance. The chance at a peaceful resolution had long passed, and they were only there to do damage control as needed.

By the time you caught up, the first punch was already landed and long forgotten. Sam was the first to receive a hit, but it did not deter him from his anger. He straightened up, ready to respond with the same energy. Without a second thought, his arm moved to strike and his hand connected with Jake’s jaw. “Please, stop!” You shouted, but they weren’t listening to anything other than the sound of their own fury. You took a step forward, ready to put yourselves between them in hopes that they would back down, but Danny took hold of your wrist. Jake moved forward, hitting his brother once more before the two began their wrestle to the ground. With an iron grip, Danny pulled you into him, spinning you so you wouldn’t have to watch the scene unfold.

“It’s okay,” he assured you. “Security is on their way.” And he was correct. Within minutes, the two were separated from each other forcefully by two guards who were employed by the venue. There was a mess of insults had between them, but they were no longer able to attack. Danny loosened his hold on you only after he was certain of everyone’s safety. You turned, sickened at the sight. Jake’s mouth was stained red, the violent colour showing boldly against his teeth and his lips. Sam’s nose was clearly injured, and he used his only free hand to wipe the trickle of blood away from underneath it. There was already a bruise beginning to form under his eye, and a nasty one to match forming on Jake’s jaw.

You caught Jake’s eye first, the horror on your face making him snap back to reality. You could see the shift in his expression when his gaze landed on you, remorse written all over him. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, averting his eyes to the floor. Security was already escorting Sam back to his room with hope that distance would help in avoiding another incident. You wanted to speak, but once again, you were at a loss for words. The guard seemed to loosen his grip on Jake, noticing the lack of resistance from him after seeing you. You took a step backwards, wanting to stay and wipe him clean from all injury, to coddle him and apologize for all of the sins you had committed on his behalf, but you couldn’t.

There was not enough distance in the world to atone for your mistakes, and you would still be repenting for them in years to come. You were certain that you would never be able to make up for the hurt you had caused the two brothers, and you were not able to say anything to lessen the suffering. There was no words to solve your own suffering, either, and the thought of being stuck in a permanent state of anguish was unbearable. So, you walked away. It was the only thing you knew how to do, and you knew it all too well. So well, that walking away was easier than falling asleep. You would walk until your feet bled and begged you to stop, and then even further after that. You would run so far that eventually, you would be standing one step away from the problem you intended to leave behind. It was wrong, and it aided nothing but your fear of confrontation, but you did it anyway.

You walked instead of speaking, your body light and your head spinning with no sign of stopping. You left Jake and Sam behind in a bloody mess resulting from your hands. Just because were not the one throwing the punch did not mean that you were not to blame. You stepped on to the stage, headed towards the one thing you thought you might be able to salvage. One of Jake’s SG’s, the one he played so proudly, was laying dramatically in the middle of the stage, white light shining down upon it as if it were a trophy if your sorrow. You approached, but you wished you never had. Instead of picking it up and placing it on its stand like you intended, you thought you might drop to your knees in pure grief.

There it lay, in three pieces now instead of one. The headstock was detached from the fretboard, and the fretboard barely hanging on to the body. You leaned down, slowly gathering the pieces into your hands in hopes that if you loved it enough, it would mend itself back into one. You thought you owed it to Jake to fix at least one thing you had caused, but you were not even able to do that. A tear slipped from your eye as you tightly held the pieces of what once was a guitar, knowing nothing but how to hurt. Jake’s guitar may have been the only physical show of what was broken from the results of your entanglement, but it was far from the only harm done, and this time you knew for certain that love alone could not fix the damage you three had created.

Do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home?

TAGLIST: @itsdannysworld @gretavansara @jaketlove @laneygvf @freefallthoughts @psychedelicsprinkles @idontwannabeherenow @joshysgirl @sanguinebats @objectsinspvce @klarxtr @sinarainbows @jakesmustache @gvfpal @hellowgoodbye

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builtbybrokenbells · 6 months

Text

Gold Dust Woman | Epilogue

A quick glimpse into the future.

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!reader

Word count: 3.5k

Warnings: tooth rotting sweetness 🫶🏻

I couldn’t end this series without some fluff, come on now. Hopefully Jake lane takes this as a sufficient apology for breaking your hearts for a while 😁 thank you all for being the best, and as always, enjoy, be kind, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes.

It’s astounding just how much can change in a year and six months. Your home, although decorated the same, was completely rid from the demons of loneliness that once haunted the building. If you looked hard enough, you could see the areas that once appeared empty beginning to fill with memories of love. Pictures hung in expensive frames, small items littered on counters and shelves to remind you that behind the door, it was no longer just your own life contained inside, it was two. Shampoo bottles standing side by side in the shower, two toothbrushes sitting beside the sink, and two coffee mugs always paired together no matter dirty or clean. A Les Paul and an SG always taking post in the living room, illuminated by the sunlight during the day and blanketed with moonlight during the night. A record collection that had doubled in size, and a bed that only ever previously had one messy side was now in constant disarray. Your clothes no longer littered the floors by their lonesome, because there were plenty of button-ups and t-shirts from another wardrobe to keep them company.

In a year and six months, your house was completely different from the one it used to be. It was filled with laughter, light, and a promise of forever. It was something you never thought the world would bless you with, yet it seemed to surprise you more every day. Although more messy, your home was more inviting than it had ever been. You owed it all to one person, and it was not yourself. Jake had made the sorrow excuse for a wooden shack into your most favourite place in the entire world. He had filled up every empty corner with materialistic items, and the rest with his heart to remind you that as long as he was living, you would never need to be alone again.

It was also intriguing to see just how little things changed in the same time period. You thought that after eighteen months of the same thing every day, you might become bored or outgrow the habits you had fallen into, but neither were true. Your heart still sang with joy each morning, and your body still felt the same peace as it did the day he asked you to be his girlfriend. You worried that the happiness would wear off and you would find yourself stuck in the misery you had been so familiar with your entire life, yet it never made a return. As much as you feared change that might come, it was only proven further with every day that passed that the rest of your life was destined to be just as it was; happy, comfortable, and prosperous. You were eternally grateful for the stability, and you hoped to live in the bubble of elation for the rest of your days.

After the tour came to an end, you all packed up your things with worry about the future. Gold Dust Woman as a band had no plans, yet a following that was steadily growing larger as time went on. Greta Van Fleet was large in their popularity, destined for more fame without a doubt about it. With a new relationship, you feared that distance might add a pressure to your life that you were not equipped to handle, but when the homecoming plane landed, it only took a few moments to decide that Jake would be moving in with you. There was not a hesitation in the process, and it comforted you to know that even if he was gone, he was still all around you.

Finding inspiration in your own leap of faith, Danny and Dylan followed your footsteps not too long after. With your personal lives settled, you thought that as a next step, recording music would be your newest and most exciting adventure. You were not wrong in assuming so, and within the first six months, you had ten songs prepared and awaiting for your first ever EP as a band. You were picked up by a label in no time, and the producing process began. It was a tedious time of relentless marketing and interviews, including a few more gigs for short tours as an opening act for other bands. Now, with the PR out of the way and a team of your own, you were anxiously awaiting the arrival of your very first physical copy of your own record.

Midway through your journey with touring, you had taken a small break to come home and spend time with Jake before he left for his own tour. During your visit, you were pleased to find out that Sam had met someone who turned his world upside down. You were lucky enough to meet her and discover that she was everything he had ever dreamed of, and he was happier than you had ever seen him before. Thus began your quick work at repairing your friendship, finding it incredibly easy to open yourselves back up to each other and return to what you used to be before the brothers relentless conquest for your heart. The world seemed perfect, and although the hurt you experienced during the battle was debilitating, the damage was minimal compared to the prosperity of the future. The scars were white, long gone from memory and replaced by stretch marks that formed from being so full of love and happiness.

You had always been the type to gag at the thought of a fairytale ending, yet now that you were living amidst one, you could finally understand why so many people craved it so desperately. You could not imagine returning to the lifestyle you lived before Jake, because it all seemed bleak and depressing. Constantly searching for a thrill, never having the nerve to speak your truth, never knowing where you were going or where you would end up. It was sickening to recall, and even on your hardest days, or when you went weeks without being able to touch him, your life with Jake was beyond anything you had ever felt or lived before. He was your forever, and your only worry was that you didn’t have enough time in one lifespan to love him. You worried that there wasn’t enough time in the entire universe to love Jake the way he deserved, but you tried your hardest to be the best you could be for him, because god knows he was doing it for you.

You were sat on the couch of your living room, pondering over the empty space that seemed to be growing larger by the day. Jake’s SG was long gone from its stand, and had been for weeks. He was travelling the world and doing what he loved, and you were so happy for him, yet it did not take away from the fact that you missed him terribly. Each day it seemed like the minutes passed slower, and you were counting every second until he walked through the front door. You only had a few more days to go, but you were beginning to believe you wouldn’t survive it. Phone calls and texts only went so far, and you missed his company more than you cared to admit.

A show was playing softly on the television, but you were no longer invested in the screen. You were writing in your journal, hoping to finish some lyrics for a new song you had started. There was an incense smouldering away on the windowsill, the smoke sending a peaceful haze across the room and leaving a calming aroma in the air. The sun was twinkling through the windows, wrapping around the blinds you had pulled across and sending rays through the emptiness of the room. It was cozy, comfortable, yet seemed to be missing something. You knew that feeling would flee as soon as Jake was back home and sitting on the couch beside you. Your coffee cup beside you was spewing pathetic spurts of steam, long forgotten in your mind and destined to be remembered once it was too cold to enjoy.

You snapped from your thoughts, hearing the door open and keys jingling softly. You figured it must be Dylan; she had a spare key and used it quite often when both of your boyfriends were gone off on tour. The loss of constant companionship was made easier with a best friend like her, because she was always willing to help pass the time. Whether it was playing music, or going for brunch, or even just existing together, she was always down for it. She had taken Danny’s place in the routine Sunday Brunches when he was unable to make it, and you weren’t shy in admitting that she did a great job at making them just as fun. Sometimes, when the boys were free from work, the four of you would go together and fill the afternoon with casual drinks and laughter. No matter what, you were constantly surrounded with family, and it was more fantastic than you ever imagined it to be. Sometimes, chosen family was far beyond anything blood relatives could provide, and they outweighed every expectation that you had. You had no idea where you would be without them.

You stood, figuring you could be kind enough to greet her at the door. When you rounded the corner into the kitchen and stepped into the hallway, your heart nearly exploded straight from your chest. At the front door, with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a box in the other, Jake was standing alone, surrounded with breathtaking beauty as always. He looked up at you, a blinding smile taking over his face, letting you know he was just as excited to see you. “Surprise.” He whispered, kicking his shoes off and walking to meet you. You took off in a sprint, too excited to care about your childish behaviour, and nearly tackled him with the strength in which you hugged him. He laughed, wrapping his arms around you as best he could with the items in his hands. “I missed you, angel.” He placed a kiss to your head, savouring the sweetness for as long as he could.

“What are you doing home so early?” You asked, although the words came out quite muffled due to your face being buried in his chest. The familiar scent was overpowering, holding you captive and intoxicating you immediately. Sandalwood, but it was no longer laced with the implications of sin; it was home, and it was the most sacred of all.

“I couldn’t wait any longer to see you.” He admitted, drawing back from you only slightly. He leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to your lips. “I’m so glad I did, because something came in the mail.” He grinned, reminding you of the box he was holding in his hand.

“Is that what I think it is?” Your eyes were glistening with excitement, knowing that he was wondering the same thing.

“Let’s find out.” He said, nodding his head down the hallway. Together, you walked into the kitchen and he set the package on the table. He let his bag drop to the ground before he went off in search of a vase for the flowers.

“I can do that,” you offered, practically vibrating at the thought of what was inside the box. He shook his head, reaching into a cupboard and grabbing the item he had been looking for. He filled it with water, carefully removing the flowers from the brown paper wrapping and setting them inside. He placed them on the table before kissing you on top of the head.

“Are you gonna open it?” He asked, looking down at your nervous hands settled on top of the package.

“I’m scared.” You chuckled, trying to stop the tremors in your fingers.

“Don’t be.” He said, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you into his side. “We’ll do it together.”

“Yeah, together.” You nodded, picking up the box and slowly pulling back the tape. You balled it up, tossing it down on the table as you opened up the flaps. On top of a mound of bubble wrap sat a card. You pulled it out, looking inside all while feeling like you could throw up. You read over the words written inside, feeling the anxiety morph into excitement. “That’s sweet.” You smiled, setting the card by the flowers. It was a note of congratulations from your label, making sure you were well informed of the huge milestone you had achieved. You slowly picked out the bubble wrap, setting it to the side while drawing in a long breath.

Your gaze fell over the cover of the vinyl record, immediately prompting tears in your eyes. You took a step back, letting out a shaky laugh as you dried your eyes. Jake looked back at you, more proud than he had ever been in his entire life. “You did that, sweetheart.” He said, unable to contain his own excitement. You could hear his tone wavering as he tried to hold back his own tears, only sending you spiralling even further. He pulled you into another hug, allowing you to air out your surge of emotions.

After a moment, you reached into the box and pulled it out. The cover was gold, shimmering under the sunlight flowing in from the windows. ‘Gold Dust Woman’ was embossed on the surface in pitch black lettering, standing out from the background. You flipped it over, looking over the track list. At the very bottom in small print, you could see the production rights trademarked by your company. “That’s me,” you squeaked, pointing at your name alongside Dylan and Riley’s. “That’s my name.”

“It is,” he laughed, leaning in to get a closer look at it. “I’m so proud of you, y/n. More than you’ll ever know.”

“Thank you,” you whispered, pulling the record from the sleeve to cement the reality of the situation. “I couldn’t have done it without you, baby.” He let out a scoff, shaking his head at your statement.

“You can do anything you put your mind to, sweetheart. All I do is cheer you on.” You looked up at him, love surrounding the two of you as hearts danced in your eyes. You leaned up, almost forgetting the record in your hand while you were in his company. There was nothing quite as captivating as Jake, and he seemed to outshine everything else. You kissed him, pouring all of your emotion into him and telling him all you needed to just from the small action.

“I’m so happy you’re home.” You mumbled against his lips. “I missed you so much.”

“I’m happy to be home.” He said, smiling against you as he kissed you again. It seemed like the two of you could never get enough of each other, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. “Now, are you going to listen to it, or what?”

“Yeah,” you giggled, looking back to the album in your hand. “In a minute.”

“Go, I’ll be right here when you come back.” He chuckled at your unwillingness to leave.

“Trying to get rid of me?” You raised an eyebrow.

“Never,” he said, his tone telling you that his statement was final and not up for debate.

“Okay, I’ll be right back.” You said, rushing off to the living room. You carefully placed the record down on the couch, removing the vinyl that was sitting on the player and placing it back in the proper sleeve. You took out your own, gently placing it down and then putting the needle on the surface. You turned the volume up and the television off, waiting for a moment while the static turned into music. You heard a clear drum beat fill the air before your guitar joined in, followed by a clear bass line. You were thrilled, the sound better than you ever imagined it could be. You couldn’t believe that it was really your song playing over the speaker, but it was real, and it was the most exhilarating feeling you had ever experienced. “Jake, do you hear this!?” You shouted, cheeks aching from the permanent smile stuck on your face.

“I hear it, angel.” He replied, but he sounded occupied with something else. “I almost forgot, I have something else for you.” You furrowed your eyebrows, confused at what else he could possibly have for you. “Come here for a minute.”

“Okay,” you said, confusion evident in your tone. You made your way back to the kitchen, a bubble of anxiety rising in your stomach. He sounded distant, nervous almost as he called out to you. You had never known Jake to be anything less than self-assured even when he was wrong, and you were curious about what was so heavy on his mind that it changed his normal routine. When you first entered the room, you didn’t see him straight away.

You were confused at his whereabouts, knowing that his voice had been coming from the kitchen, yet you didn’t see him standing in his previous spot. You walked around the table, freezing in your tracks almost immediately. Your eyes went wide as your heart dramatically thudded against your rib cage. Jake was on one knee, hands shaking as he held a small velvet box in his hands. “Oh, god, Jake.” You breathed, bringing your hand over your chest to sooth your erratic heartbeat.

“That doesn’t sound very good.” He gave a nervous chuckle, just as scared as you were about the whole thing.

“No!” You shook your head, easing his mind before he descended too far into his own thoughts. “Not like that, just… wow.”

“I was going to wait, but I couldn’t. I don’t want to wait anymore, y/n.” He spoke so softly that his voice barely broke through the air. “I’ve known since the day I met you, so I don’t see a point in putting it off. I want to spend forever with you, if you want it, too. You are my whole heart, the reason I can get out of bed in the morning and the only thing that helps me sleep through the night. You’re my best friend, the absolute love of my life, and I can’t think of a single reason why I wouldn’t want to be yours forever.” He said, watching your face carefully in case there was any chance you didn’t want what he was offering. “I don’t want to sit and watch while the rest of our lives pass us by. It would be the greatest honour to marry you, Gold Dust Woman.”

You took a step towards him, cautious for no real reason. Part of you believed that it was a figment of your imagination, because his love often seemed too good to be true. You thought over his words, only feeling your heart swell with more affection the longer you remembered. He was right, and there was no reason in the world as to why you should be afraid of saying yes. He was your forever, and you’d known that long before you ever admitted it to yourself. He loved you like no other, so well that sometimes you forgot what it was like before he came along. Your life was picturesque with him by your side, something you had only ever heard about in movies and books, yet it was your reality that you were lucky enough to live every single day. He was everything, and you were beyond grateful to even exist in the same universe as him.

You realized your silence had given the wrong impression, noticing the shift in his expression as he began to turn worried. “Yes, Jake.” You said, hoping to ease his mind. “A million times yes.” You said, moving forward and kneeling down in front of him. “I can’t think of a better way to spend my life, and there is nobody that could make me as happy as you do.” You said, grabbing his face gently between your hands. You pulled him into a kiss filled with love and warmth, just like the rest of your memories with him. You could barely keep the kiss alive, the smiles on your faces too much to handle. When you pulled away, he took the ring from the box and slipped it on your finger, trying his hardest to hold back his tears of elation. “It’s beautiful,” you fawned over the sight, taking in every detail the ring had to offer.

“But it doesn’t hold a candle to you, angel.” He said, looking back up at your face. “I promise I’m going to love you like you deserve until the day I die, and I’m sure that I’ll still love you the same even long after I’m gone. In every universe, and every lifetime. You’re the only thing my heart knows, Gold Dust Woman.”

“Me too, baby.” You promised, feeling your lip quiver from the profound confession. “So, this is forever?”

“Seems like it.” He laughed, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “You can’t get rid of me, now.”

“Not like I ever could before.” You teased, running your thumb over the soft skin of his cheek. “And it’s not like I ever wanted to, anyway.” And it was the truth; not a day passed in which you wished to change a thing, because a lifetime of loving Jake was better than anything you had ever dreamed of.

The End

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