#god its so frustrating to be disabled
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me: I wanna travel the world, explore my passions, excel in college, find a place to live somewhere nice--
my disability, clutching a hammer:
#thats it#thats the post#im almost 20#i should be out having fun#not curled up on my bed in the verge of tears#god its so frustrating to be disabled#especially when its an invisible disability#ive had so much judgement from people when i use mobility aids#because i look fine#even though im struggling to breath#and can barely walk without falling over or passing out#i want to go out with my friends#instead i settle for going to the mall and sitting down in the food court because i cant handle walking or even standing up for longer#than a minute w/o passing out#now im sad#anyway ignore me#life stuff#not a fic#disability#disabled#POTS#p.o.t.s.
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actually before i go to sleep,
it's so frustrating as a Deaf musician and music fan that finding lyrics is so inaccessible. some bands and artists release their lyrics immediately (kissing them on the lips as we speak) but for the vast majority of new music i listen to, it's going to be impossible to find the lyrics anywhere. why is it so hard to be accessible?
#im like- at my fuckin limit.#every so often the frustration bottles up and i explode#and every time i explode its around a bunch of hearing ppl that go 'oh i never thought abt it that way' like please for the love of god#im literally not even talking abt like if lyrics havent been loaded to like spotify or whatever#if its on the internet anywhere like on a separate blog or like a lyric site: perfect i can still sing along#but if you just..... dont post the lyrics? :(#some of my favorite bands are guilty of this im just frustrated#disabilities#lark speaks#ok to rb btw
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WHYYYYY. why why why. do i step away from drawing and then every time i come back i have forgotten even more of the fundamentals of just. physically putting pen to paper. i am seeing clear images in my mind and in front of me with csp 3d models and i am struggling to draw shitty mediocre cubes to process those shapes into something i have drawn 10 million times [human body]. whhaaaaat is happening in my brain
#like. how to convey. i cant tell if im being unpracticed andor if this is a disability thing#and the thought that its a disability thing is so intensely kjsdfg upsetting and frustrating that i have no will to practice to see if its#that. GOD. i used to be able to draw
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ultimately I can only afford the smallest size display and considering that it'd be hell to navigate a tiny screen plus I'd still rely on keyboard shortcuts (which invalidates my hopes of being able to draw in bed which would cause me to draw more often) I'll just pass the idea. begrudgingly.
thinking of it now I don't think there will ever be a way to comfortably draw in bed anyways but it still hurts to think about.. I just wish drawing (and staying at the computer in general) wasn't such a gymnastic task of mental and physical capacity for me ☹
#guess itd be smarter to tackle one of the roots of the problem by trying adhd meds again#but thats so frustrating. god i fucking hate being disabled. killing and maiming this useless body and its stupid organs and tissues#dextxt
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u guys need to start including chronic migraines in ur disability awareness posts
#its frustrating u guys talk abt accessibility and stuff and boom#u make the ugliest fucking migraine inducing websites ever.#'dont forget invisible disabilities!!' but never ANY mention of migraines#its bc it affects afabs more so people care less. /:#my body is in constant pain and a. god built me wrong and b. migraines make everything WORSE#callie.txt
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Ok eel therapy moment date uncertain but real nonetheless
#post#theyll probably just go Well dissociation & redacted heavily overlap sooo ur probably just dissociating.#which like dear god i sure hope it is just dissociation. but i do not think this is it!#and its so frustrating to be shut down like that even if i know i literally only mentioned redacted 1ce#i knowwww they have little to no idea. because its so scary to talk about.#but also like if it really is redacted then holy shit if i dont get help right now it WILL only get worse#can i please have a chance of being a little bit less disabled than i can be in that case? can i live?
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this is probably like an unlikely hope or smth, but i hope the new trigun work is less ableist FJFDSJDS
#personal#i think abt it all the time...#opm has offensive content towards probably every possible minority then trigun seems to be specifically towards disabled ppl#(and other things. but consistently w disabled ppl)#its just so frustrating that like vash (our protag!!) counts as disabled#he says he loves everyone and all that#yet the story has SO many of his enemies be disabled in some way#and i absolutely think its bc nightow sees it as some wacky character design but its just like god#throw in an equal amount that are allies/not in these crazy roles!#this also goes w how i think trigun would benefit from more 'filler'#but just him interacting w more different people would support how he wants to like everyone or whatever#he literally is not human too#he is somehow disabled and not human yet rarely interacts w similar ppl who arent crazy villains trying to kill him
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Google Maps screenshot doodle study
#i swear to god i only log into this and ig to post my art right#and then i fuck off#i swear to god the ui changes every damn time and its always for the worse#im sick of it i hate it i hate it so much i need to#leave#what frustrates me is that there is not a single place anymore where i can have a decent place to store my art#bc its so much easier to just dump it on ig these days#but like you cant tag anything and its annoying. i also hate how you cant temp disable over here#its like. its . i cannot fathom how these platforms still exist. i cant put this into words. im rant#i cant remember how i would tag somweything liekfls hishofsjh fiohj iorejr#scenery#i guess#misc#places#to be fair i havent done one of these in Litcheral years#og
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today is gonna be an exceptionally difficult day
#i have been so unwell lately#like more than usual#and im trying to push through and be okay about it but god its so hard to do#and its shitty cause the more i struggle with physical pain and stuff the worse my mental health gets#its a neverending constant cycle of the physical stuff the affects the mental stuff which affects the physical stuff#and its easy to get stuck in a loop but theres nothing i can do about it#i just have to wait it out#and its awful#i wish i could do something#i wish i could get better so i had less to deal with#but i literally cant#and theres nothing to fix it its just like this until it goes away#its very frustrating and seems to just get worse as time goes on#i guess that's how disabilities work huh.#aiilov-personal
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Ignore
#delete later#also having an embarrassing minor crisis bc my friend asked me if i actually wanted my hair to be cut and i said yeah but#im not sure. i just thought i probably should bc i knew long hair didbt suit me as much#this is less annoying and easier to deal with#plus i was going to cut it a bit myself anyway#but also whenever i cut my hair i have a period of a few days wgere the change upsets me sp this feeling is most probably that#just also the thing of being like#how can i know what i want when what i want is to make others happy abs just chug along#god i fucking hate it in here#here being my brain. useless piece of shit. also very helpful creative bundle but so frustrating#holidays alao make me a lil sad bc a lot of stuff is romantic and im low-key jelly whilst also being like#i would be an awful person to date i have so many needs and weirdnesses and theres very little about ne that is actually#attractive in any way. always feels like i wasnt quite made for it. which ya know is a lil bit of a bummer#its also a part of my loss of mobility crisis#internalised ableism is a bitch. tells me that if i end up more disabled that'll be anlther unattractive thing#when i know full well that disability doesnt make ppl unattractive!!! the internalised shit show!!!#basically im having a bunch of crises all at once all the time atm and they're all bouncing off each other
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MORE ETHANNNNNNNN (please 🥺❤️)
sorry, i know i’ve been lacking!
! ! ! 18+ content below cut, MDNI. ❀ Ethan Landry x Fem! Reader
warnings: pantie stealing, semi-public fingering, bathroom stalls ew, pervy ethan, bathroom quickie, switch ethan, squirting.
Ethan is impatient and desperate as he shoves you into a ‘disabled’ stall in the Blackmore University library. He’s grateful that you’ve worn his favorite skirt today. Not only is it an adorable shade of punch-pink, showing off all the best dips and curves of your body, but it’s easy access to your sopping cunt that sits hidden barely by your cotton panties. He moans at the mere sight of your juices that are borderline dripping out of you, puffy lips shaped in the drenched soft-cotton as his nose is already picking up on the candied aroma.
He pulls them from your hips, not caring that he’s snapped the cute little bows on the side. He tucks them in his back pocket. You wince, pouting as you sniffle a soft “those were my favourite.”
“I’ll buy you a new pair, my baby, I promise.” His promise is mumbled and hurried as he tucks your skirt into its waistband so it’s out of the way, his fingers quick to touch you where you need him most. Your mewls are adorable, melting his heart as his eyes linger on your pretty face. It twists at the sudden satisfaction of his long fingers kissing your sweet spot, sitting there nicely as you adjust.
“Move, Ethan, please.”
He nods and moves to give into your pleads as he begins to plunge his fingers into your soaking core, curling his fingers with every thrust. when did he learn to do that?
Your eyes disappear behind slumped lids, fists twisting the material of his black sweatshirt as you let out a loud moan through gritted teeth.
“Shhh,” he shushes you, hand over your lips as his fingers curl and scissor in your heat, “quiet now pretty girl, this is a library after all.” Your eyes go wide, struggling to focus on his words as heat pools in your stomach. You shake your head, hand wrapping around his wrist as you squeeze your thighs shut. He seethes with frustration, his cock now hard and painful as it begs to break free from his jeans.
“Open your legs, sweet girl,” he says, trying not to show his annoyance, “feet on the basin.”
you whine as you spread your legs, struggling to keep them up as they begin to shake. He knows exactly what’s about to happen and thank god he remembered to roll his sleeves up.
You cry into his palm, teeth grazing the skin as your knees wobble. You feel embarrassment heat your skin as it shoots out to shine the porceline skin of his forearms. Grinning, he pulls his fingers out, shaking the liquid off them slightly. He grabs a few paper towels, wetting them to wipe you down before he cleans himself.
With a gentle kiss on the bridge of your nose, he smiles softly.
“I’ll clean this up, you go get started on the homework.”
As if you can even think straight after that.
INBOX/REQUESTS STATUS: OPEN
18+ ONLY © saintels 2023 — do not copy, repost or translate my work onto any other platforms without my permission.
#┆ 𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐬#br:ethanlandry#ethan landry#ethan landry smut#ethan landry x reader#female reader#scream vi#scream 6#smut#scream#jack champion#jack champion smut#ethan landry x you
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i wish i could send screenshots but i blocked everyone involved to get rhe stupid post off my dash but i saw a post that was like "hey its ok for trans women to just look like men" and then in the comments was some transandrophobe being like "yeah trans men get such a pass to look however they want even if they cant be bothered to bind ppl treat them like men all the time but trans women will get killed if we arent dressed to the nines" and someone was like hey this is wrong? and then even when OP finally stepped into say it was wrong for the one commenter to put down trans men she STILL SAID that the trans guy defending himself in the comments was in the wrong for "making it about trans men" when he was literally just trying to defend us. it made me so mad. "cant be bothered to bind" has been like a ping pong ball stuck in my head all night because of that post. cant be fucking bothered to bind like im just being too lazy abt it and not like fat or disabled or too poor to afford a quality binder lmao cant be bothered. good fucking grief.
Yeah jfc
Again like I have no doubt a lot of times this comes from real frustration and hurt but like good God. these people really have so much ingrained hatred for trans men they refuse to recognize. like not only is "can't be bothered to bind" so fucking insensitive. but also the idea that trans men who look like cis women are treated like cis men????
like not saying said person is aligned with baeddel beliefs but i was checking out @baeddel-txt a day ago and it just reminds me of how folks who follow that ideology truly concocted this fantasy world where cis society kisses the ground trans men walk on and trans men are "male classed" by virtue of identifying as men. like so extremely dissociated from the lived experiences of non passing trans men. people will jump through every hoop in the circus to avoid saying that trans men just might experience misogyny on occasion
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Sexiest Podcast Character — Scripted Bracket — Round 5
Propaganda
Mabel Martin (Mabel):
the girl half-burning!!! the bitch queen of hell!!! dead girl walking!!! rot-hearted girl!!!! consort to king anna limon!!!! lesbian icon!!!!
Who is doing it like Mabel Martin? No one. She's a lesbian. She is the lamb, and the knife. She is so loved that god herself tore a hole between worlds to find her again. She tore out her own veins to bargain with the house that holds her. She is the girl half-burning, she kept a bullet that came out of her (it was hers. she birthed it), she is the Labyrinth. And she is the Minotaur.
a vote for Mabel is a vote for insane codependent lesbians everywhere 👍 also for women with large noses (the hottest of women)
Hera (Wolf 359):
I don't care if she's an AI with no physical form, she is HOT
my digital wife <3
oh it's always "i want a hot computergirl with poor cable management to glitch on my shit" and "i want to fuck her until she bluescreens" on this website until it's time to put your money where your mouth is. i have a post about usb penetration with tens of thousands of notes. i see the things you all say. you have a hot computergirl in front of you and this is how you all repay her? you would abandon her? prove yourselves as the computer sex website; vote for hera NOW!!!
"everyone voting Hera in this round is doing it strictly because she is an AI" WRONG. INCORRECT. everyone voting for hera is doing it because she's funny and thoughtful and passionate and wears her heart on her sleeve despite all of the times people have let her down. because she's anti-authority, and that's sexy. it's sexy that she's an AI because the way she navigates being a woman in that context is inherently transgender, and THAT'S sexy, but on its own? not even like, top five most relevant things about her. self-determination? that's sexy.
VOTE FOR HERA. i'm not done. i've made the case that she would want this more, and that's true, but you should also want her. the propaganda says she doesn't have a physical form - in one sense, that's true, but she DOES have an internal self-image and the desire for physicality. most of the physical sensations she's experienced so far have been painful - think of what you could do for her. she has human desire without the means to act on it. she's the most touch starved anyone has ever been. making love to someone who can't be touched by conventional means IS inherently sexy and it IS a win for disabled trans women everywhere.
she's passionate and kind of emotionally unstable and fiercely loyal - "officer eiffel? he's your deadman's switch. if you let him die, or if you do anything that doesn't fall under the category of do no harm, i will go off. i will rain acid on your ass. i will crank the temperature in the room so high that your skin will crack, and bubble, and burn. i will vent you into space through a hole the size of a quarter. and if i am feeling very, very generous, i won't do all those things slowly." like come on!! what more do you want!!
VOTE FOR HERA. my final, last-minute appeal: her character arc is fundamentally about identity, autonomy, and being seen the way she wants to be seen. the way she navigates her identity as a woman in this context is inherently transgender, and that IS sexy. she's funny, she's passionate, she's sweet, she's been let down repeatedly by almost everyone she's ever met and she still opens her heart to people because she so badly craves connection. she's frustrated, touch starved, and pent up, and was initially rejected from service because of her impulsive, emotional, unorthodox way of thinking. i have so much more i could say on her behalf, but this IS a contest of sex appeal. thinking outside the box, breaking rules, and reaching beyond the limitations of her own form is so central to who she is. hera could come up with freak shit beyond the comprehension of the average person, and she IS enthusiastic enough to make it work.
Art of Mabel from @kayleerowena.
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rambling about Haruka
As an ND person I just hate how Haruka's character is either completely infantilized or reduced to a selfish, evil murderer, when, to me, he is so much more than that.
Especially the latter; I hate when any MILGRAM character is called evil because what's the point of MILGRAM, then? They're all morally grey! That's how they test us. But Haruka in particular because I feel like it comes from a place of ableism, intentional or not.
I'm not sure if I should put TWs, but well I talk about ableism, murder (obviously lol), childhood trauma and well... it's Haruka
Haruka's outburst in the VD and his implication of killing animals (I know it's basically canon but erm... i can explain why I think it's an implication later) (i just finished writing the post and actually i explained why at the bottom of the post but its not a full explanation so lol) are the reasons I see people calling him either evil or childlike, and while I do think that Haruka is stuck in a childlike state in some aspects, this is emotional dysregulation of an ND and/or traumatized person, to me.
The uglier sides of being ND/traumatized, the ones that get heavily stigmatized and seen as intentional or evil; I think this was a display of one of them. And I really wish to see more people focusing on Haruka's disability in the ways it can affect his communication and day-to-day life skills more than "oh, poor baby, he has a disability that makes him feel unwanted" without actually understanding the details of the disability and, well, the reason why it is a disability.
Like, the emotional dysregulation that comes with being autistic, which is my headcanon for him. The hyperempathy and literal thinking that might make him harder to communicate with, and get people frustrated with him more often.
That and being severely neglected; I think neglect is one of the lesser discussed forms of childhood trauma and the fact that Haruka was shown to be neglected as well as abuse really means a lot to me, because I think some people don't quite understand just how much neglect and isolation fucks you up.
All those factors combined are a recipe for an unstable, impulsive, clingy shell of a human, and him getting called evil for that really saddens me. It's important to remember that these MVs are extracted from the prisoners' own memories and thoughts. It comes from their perception of their surroundings, their murders, and their own selves. The manic look that Haruka has on his face for a lot of AKAA, for example. The makeshift shirt he's wearing, as if he's desperately trying to sew himself together into a normal person, the exhausted, frustrated look when he picks up the necklace, it's important to remember that this is how he sees himself. A monster who has lost control of himself. The line "I'll keep killing to be your good boy" was a shock, but the way he meekly apologized to Es at the end of his VD, I really think that shows that he feels guilty, that he wants to convince himself more than anyone that he was a good person, that he was really trying to be one despite how his unlucky life frustrated him to his breaking point.
As for his infantilization, it has already been addressed by many thoughtful members of the fandom and I'm grateful to see that, but I also want to say it myself since god knows I hate being patronized.
It feels very ableist saying he's just "someone stuck in a childlike mindset/age regressor" Yes, and how does age regression as a coping mechanism develop? Usually through prior trauma that makes you "stuck" at said age, and that can present differently. It can be longing and yearning for a simpler time, for an actual happy childhood, or having flashbacks to a traumatic event that happened at a certain age; it is not uncommon for trauma survivors to be "frozen" at the age their trauma took place.
I think both of these are the case for Haruka. Frozen at that moment, but trying to reduce himself to nothing but a little, unaware child to avoid reliving it again, relishing in the innocence and purity of his good younger times (emphasis on purity--Haruka's murder was by strangulation, yet there's a shot in AKAA where he's covered in blood. I know it's after he killed the animals, but he's in the stitched-together outfit here; I think there's more to this MV than just killing the animals. Since this outfit is... not very likely to be worn in reality, did the animal killing happen at all? Even if it did, I think this shot remains an indicator that he sees himself as impure; guilty. I have a LOT to say about the inconsistencies in Haruka's MVs, but I'll save that for later... Anyway, back on topic) It is NOT "having the mental capacity of a child, so being unable to date etc." Haruka has still lived 17 years, maybe even more, since he isn't too interested in remembering his age. How do you treat actual neurodivergent people if this is how you see him?
When I rewatch the MVs, relisten to the VDs, reread the interrogations and timelines, I see no evil, just an incredibly broken, misunderstood person.
#please excuse any inconsistencies or spelling mistakes its almost 5am ive been awake all night lmaooo#im open to discussion but pls be nice :(#im a relatively new milgram fan (got into it just when ILY MV came out—got hyperfixated oct/nov) so please inform me if I say anything wrong#i love haruka so so much aaugh#i will defend him till my last breath#milgram#sakurai haruka#milgram project#haruka sakurai#jay rambles bleh idk#should i even tag this#i feel so scared to share my thoughts on the milgram prisoners AAA i hope everything makes sense
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oh my god i am fucking begging you people to understand that not all autistic people can use tonetags. i cant use tonetags. i wont use them. they are not accommodating for me, they make everything worse and more confusing. if someone asks me to clarify my tone, i can do that. i CANNOT use tonetags. when people use tonetags while talking directly to me its fucking awful. it stresses me out and its confusing and its frustrating and it makes it so so so much harder for me as an autistic person to interact with people online. if tonetags help u, thats great and awesome and i love that for u. but u cannot force an accommodation on disabled people who do not want or need that accommodation. it does not help me, it HINDERS me and my ability to communicate. i have genuinely seen people say that its morally wrong and inherently bigoted for an autistic person to refuse to use tonetags. thats fucking bullshit and you need to get over yourselves.
#autism#autistic#actually autistic#actually autism#neurodivergent#neurodivergence#tonetags#tone tags#accommodation#disability#disabled
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elder bones, what made you want to turn the politics of warriors into a story of anti-fascism? or, at least a part of the story is.
A mix of family and friends I've lost to radicalization + personal experience with the alt-right pipeline after a painful religious deconversion + frustration with how I feel parts of canon's messaging fall into authoritarian talking points
WC as a series is pro-xenophobia and even, sometimes, dips into outright eugenics. I don't know if the books contributed to where I ended up, but I do know that they were in my head a lot in a time I was vulnerable. The way that it treats foreigners and outsiders was particularly painful, especially the Tribe.
Over and over again, we see a pattern in the series where the Clan cats are superior to other cultures, and all their internal problems are caused by Born Evil cats or Barbarous Foreigners. Groups that are peaceful (Tribe) are borderline incompetent, needing to be saved over and over. Culturally, Clan cats are framed as superior by the narrative, with a way of life that is fragile and must be protected against outside threats. Their God is infallible, even when we see it fuck up and act maliciously over and over, but you're meant to ignore that.
Scourge shows up in the last book of TPB, one-shots Tigerstar, and presents BloodClan as love-and-friendship-hating foreigners that pose an existential threat to the Clans. A common enemy to unite against, who will destroy your culture, your people, if not stopped. In a final effort, Firestar rejects his kittypet roots once and for all and embraces his destiny. The Clans win in the end because of their superior religion and Clan bonds, and then... the alliance falls apart immediately, returning to petty squabbles because they don't have a supreme force to fight against.
The enemy is both strong and weak. Fear of difference. Action for action's sake.
The 'lazy' and disabled are treated like burdens who need to find something 'useful' to give their society, with bigotry towards them not challenged, but 'corrected.' "Actually they're NOT useless, they help do X thing sometimes!" You could argue that Jaypaw is displaying internalized ableism when he's insulting Longtail and Brightheart, and that's a fun reading, but that's not called out in the text or even really addressed.
Certainly wasn't my takeaway, when I was young and stupid and in a bad environment. So in my own head, I'm not putting themes in it that weren't there before; I'm subverting what I feel is written on the page.
(intentional or not, mind you. I don't think the writers are pro-authoritarian, I think writing xenofiction brings out subconscious biases. You write the world the way you think it "naturally" is, and that can be revealing.)
WC says that its villains were born with a 'darkness' inside of them, and with their deaths, "peace" (a normal amount of killing each other over rocks) can be restored. And I'm saying, instead, the darkness is in Clan culture itself.
So, that culture needs to change. Just like it has in the past, just like it will in the future, as is the nature of a living culture. Until then, the set of ideas they call "Thistle Law" is a sickness, a weed, and it needs to be cleared away with radical ideas.
#warrior cats analysis#So I guess the TL;DR is that these are themes that matter to me#But isn't that the basis of all creative things?#tw fascism#tw authoritarianism#tw ableism#eugenics
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