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#get real babe
thequibblah · 9 months
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looks like I’ve said too much on the internet 😨
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inkskinned · 3 months
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yesterday while feverish i wrote about how boats can moor next to each other like pigeons, cooing with the gentle rap of water against their hull. you once said that that the way i see things - birds in the water, feathers in marina paint - was "childish and naive." you said i'd been misdiagnosed - "it can't all be adhd. you might be just kind of stupid and lazy."
i still do certain things like how you taught me - turn the pillow case inside out before putting it on. drive defensively. hate myself entirely.
the prompt for this poem is "mahler's fifth." i wish it wasn't, but mahler's fifth was our song. it ended up in my book. every person that knows your name has promised me they'll give you one swift rabbit punch, right to the face. dean read the book and showed up on my front porch, drenched in sweat from running the 8 miles at 4 in the morning. he was shaking. pacifist and gentle - he works with children - i'd never seen him furious. a punch isn't going to do it, he said, and then said i'm sorry. i had to come to see if you were okay.
mahler's fifth was mine first, like my girlhood. i like the way each movement piles onto the next movement, each instrument bleeding into the next. i like the horn version the best. before i met you, i danced to it on grass still-wet from sprinklers.
later you would tell me that the way you heard it was somehow better. you understood something in it that i couldn't quite wrap my fingers into. once, on our anniversary, you asked the classical music radio station to play it for us. we missed hearing it because we were fighting. one of the things people get wrong about abuse is that sometimes victims are, like, brutally aware of the stupidity of our situation. what do you mean that you thought i wasn't good enough for you? you? you're just... nothing.
sometimes people can pull the poetry out of your life. i watched my words become clothesline, and then thin out into kite twine. i watched you chew through every good syllable of me. so many good songs and places and moments were ruined. i am glad you didn't like most of my music - less to tie back to you.
but still mahler's fifth. the music swells, and i am 21 and throwing up in a bathroom on my birthday. a woman i will later refer to as lesbian jesus runs a cool hand down my back, her perfect pantsuit starch-pressed. she told me to leave you. she said - and this is true, and not an invention of rhyme or fantasy - i'm you from the future.
i am 22, and i got home from an award ceremony, and i remember you telling me - you act so proud of yourself when you're actually so fucking embarrassing. i took you to disney world. you took my virginity. i gave up visiting spain for a week with my family - i instead choose you, to spend the time just-cuddling. you called it "our fuck week." the music swells. it probably should have been a red flag that for about 3 years - i just gave up on crying. my grandfather died and you said nothing. my uncle died and you ghosted me for 3 weeks. you said i need to protect myself from your ongoing tragedy.
every so often i come back to the memory of one of our last afternoons in person. i had just told you that i wasn't going to law school, despite the free ride - i was going to join a creative writing program. master's in fine arts. i was going to finally do it - i was going to follow my dreams. this blog was already internet-famous. however reluctantly, i would occasionally refer to myself as a poet. i got into umass amherst's writing program for fiction authors. it is one of the the top 5 programs in the country.
wait are you seriously considering actually attending that? dumbfounded, you turned completely towards me in your seat. for the 3rd time in our relationship, you almost crashed the car. you actually want to be a writer?
the first time i went viral, it was for a poem i wrote about you:
he wants to say i love you but keeps it to goodnight because love will take some falling and she's afraid of heights.
every time i see that, i want to throw up. you weren't in love with me, you were in love with the control you had over me. a little truth though: i am afraid of heights. you caught a rabbitgirl and skinned her alive.
mahler's fifth still makes me sick.
give me that back. give me back music. give me back everything i had before you. give me back fearlessness. give me back bravery. give me back a scarless body.
give me back what you took from me.
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beeboschweebo · 6 months
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mikakuna · 2 months
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save me "jason todd leaves batfam".... save me.... "jason does not give up everything that makes him who he is to please a mediocre family"... save me...
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ballpitwitch · 9 months
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Keanu Reeves performing at The Roxy in Los Angeles - July 18, 2023
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wispforever · 7 months
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ei-encora · 11 months
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the first frienderbender is usually the roughest, but you get used to 'em after a while
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vole-mon-amour · 4 months
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listen.
is Halsin physically hot? yes.
you know what's hotter though? his personality. his manners, his voice, the way he speaks, his thinking process. the man doesn't judge, and he's humble, and he's experienced, and he's a loving nature druid, and—
i was a goner even before I met him in the game, but the moment he started talking? and then the teiflings' party?
I need him irl for real.
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tender-j · 4 months
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Kenshi feeling too comfy with Johnny around so his thoughts and feelings accidentally come out
Simply like, they'd just be cooking and Kenboy accidentally calls him "Love" and Johnnypoo immediately goes over to him and replies with an absolutely shaky yes
Or maybe on bed together, Johnny is having a bit of a hard time sleeping so the very sleepy Kenshi leans over his side and pats his stomach softly
Eventually, they wouldn't be accidental anymore heehee
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sad-emo-dip-dye · 1 year
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feralsteddie · 1 year
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Steve Harrington being nonbinary but thinking he was just too stupid to understand gender
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atelierlili · 17 days
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Thinking about Peeta playing Is it real or Is it cake around the house and driving Katniss absolutely NUTS.
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blmpff · 3 months
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I loved how at first Alan didn't want to show Jeff his phone just so that he could read the messages he'd been sending him, but 5 minutes later gives Jeff the entire thing for keepsies "because you don't have your own uwu"
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larphis · 8 months
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Sometimes I think “God, I am just like Ed” and then I start putting him on a pedestal and make big paragraphs to say that he never did anything wrong in his life and how he’s actually just a very soft person that is hurting deep inside and needs a forehead kiss and then I look in the mirror and realize that I am in fact Stede Bonnet.
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o-wild-west-wind · 1 month
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Another interesting thing re: Ed’s go-to method of strangulation specifically is that it’s SUCH a difficult way to kill. And given his mental block on being able to kill personally, it’s telling that he chooses a method he cannot possibly use any mental gymnastics or dissociation tactics to distance himself from.
Like…no wonder he has such a hard time with it, if this is his personal code. And maybe I just love a masochistic characterization, but I’m fascinated by the fact that rather than resorting to an “easier” method, like a gun—or a mental tactic, a la Frenchie’s box—he just fully commits to the hardest option possible. He just can’t commit a act of violence unless it’s also a violent act against himself.
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freckles-dean · 1 month
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The shock, the relief, the happiness, the pure love on both of their faces. I love them so much
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