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fablekitty · 9 months

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Hey, I know I am the last person you wanna talk to rn, but my life is in genuine danger (still) because all I wanted was for a apology for the misconception.

I honestly meant no harm at all, and https://www.tumblr.com/lunarsilly/725681668334256128/all-i-wanted-was-for-fable-alologize-for-the

If you read this it will make a lot more sense.

I’m low empathetic and it takes a while for me to feel epmathy, and I think it’s hitting me like a bus

I never meant for you to be harassed anything (as I said in my OG callout posts) and I have not ONCE put your life in danger.

However, Davis has put mine in danger cuz he took some things I said in the wrong manner and it has caused me to get harassed to the point where I have to deactivate most of my accounts.

No, this isn’t ‘karma’ at all because I didn’t even want anything bad to happen to you and I didn’t mean to be malicious, all I wanted was for people to be aware that you could have possibly done this stuff, and benne like

“Hey, I have a choice if I wanna continue supporting them.” And unfollow if they please.

I have not once tried to put you or anyone else in danger, all I was doing was being like “hey, this can be seen as sams since you tagged it as such.”

Also to call you out for your ableism towards your own community.

That whole ‘no TSBS fictives and no factives’ rule is not only ableist, but it further Demonizes DID by saying that alters are their source when they aren’t,

People had a choice to support you, and I hadn’t meant for it to become this huge thing because a mess up in my wording )which I mostly wrote them at 1-5am, mind you. There’s going to be some mistakes since I was obviously running on 2-4 hours of sleep, and I always apologized if I said anything wrong in Davis’s DMs)

I get why you’re upset but this whole thing has gotten me death threats and it has also put not only me, but my family at risk.

Anyways that’s pretty much it, dm me on this app if you wanna respond.

This whole situation began because instead of trying to talk things over with me, you instead chose to cast a stone at me publicly. I’m not unreasonable. I would gladly have clarified anything you were concerned about, whether it be the claims of ableism or concerns about Lulu’s design. Instead, you publicly accused me of being a pedophile, not once, but twice. Which. I won’t lie; is a VERY harsh accusation that shouldn’t have ever been tossed out on a whim. The first was in a comment thread on one of Davis' posts, the other was a public callout post. You cannot downplay it by saying you just wanted to 'spread awareness' and 'let people choose to support me.' All I wanted to do was be left alone, and you wouldn't have it.

You took my art and made fun of it, called me names, called my partner’s alter names, and tried to make connections to an accusation that wasn’t there to begin with. I have co-workers that follow my SFW account on Twitter. I could have lost my actual job over this. You losing your Twitter account is not comparative to my entire livelihood. You can say you never wanted me to be harassed, but you slandered and insulted me all over Twitter and Tiktok during the entire duration in which this all played out, not to mention all of the posts and videos about me being ableist and treating me like some sort of class traitor.

I only spoke out about it when I was at the end of my rope, which you also mocked and slandered, and thus the harassment continued.

Davis reached out to me about it because after doing his own research, he saw it as unfair that I was being falsely accused of something that could literally ruin my life and career and put my safety in danger.

I didn't ask him to post it, and I certainly wouldn't have asked him to take so much time out of his busy schedule to research and write that entire google doc. All of the accounts he posted there are public socials, all of which have the Lunarsilly moniker attached to them somehow. He's never really talked to me much if at all outside of this situation.

As for the comments made towards people who were clearly against you, entirely unnecessary. If you wanted people to stop and leave you alone then you should have never responded. This stirs the pot and makes more trouble, it also makes you look bad.

I can't convince people to stop attacking you, despite telling them not to come after you in my last tweet about this situation. I can't order Davis to remove your socials from the google doc. All we can simply do is drop the subject and move on.

None of this would have happened if you just came to me first instead of airing out dirty laundry into public places where you were fully aware I was in. Next time you think you've been wronged in some way, instead of acting out, take a step back and breathe. Walk away from the computer/phone and clear your head so you can think straight. That is my absolute best advice to you.

I understand that you're only 15 and probably have some stuff going on at home, and the last thing I want is for anyone to get hurt. Death threats and doxxing are wrong in general, let alone to a teenager, and if you're reading this and have done either of those things to Lunarsilly, I am incredibly ashamed of you.

As for the damage? My alter is traumatized by the claims you've made. My early design of Lunar was never canon. His design belongs to me and I can use it however I please. He is not canon show Lunar.

Speaking of Alters, I want to address the ableism thing.

Once again, all this stress could have been avoided if you’d have just come to me privately on Discord when this was first addressed. I asked you politely to please keep alters of real people from the show avoidant of fronting in the TSBS server. I asked this of you with the knowledge of what was written in the moderator handbook that each moderator must read and follow in TSBS, and had no idea it wasn’t written in the public rules. I will admit fault for not checking that. It was never my intention to come off as ableist towards you nor anyone else.

We didn’t just come up with rules on a whim. We put rules in place to try and keep everyone in the server safe and comfortable, systems and otherwise. Ultimately, the bottom line was that some of the voice actors from the show found discomfort in seeing alters of themselves and their characters in the server, and the business that owns the whole shebang also agreed, and their word is final.

I entirely understand the frustration behind having alters from the show. I have a few of them myself and so does my partner. Yes, they are not their source. But that doesn't prevent the original creators, or actual person from being uncomfortable, much like some alters are uncomfortable with doubles. Everyone's system is different. Mine isn't large. It's not small either, but my alters all do have one thing, a mutual agreement to work together and harmony. If that's something you can't control, then I'd recommend staying out of larger servers such as TSBS.

I was also never obligated to tell you that I'm a system. I don’t exactly go out of my way to make sure every individual who interacts with me is aware of this information about myself. However, if you ever took a moment to look in my discord profile, you would have known. The first line that is on my profile on Discord is “Marshmallow System-DID” and it’s been there this entire time.

All I want is to be left alone. I want this all to finally be dropped so we can move on with our lives. I’m old and tired and simply do not have the time or energy to keep putting towards this situation. Just please, move on and leave me be.

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cactusringed · 5 months

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I WAS SO OUT OF FOCUS I ENDED MY SCARDUBS RANT BAD HI ITS ME HI HI. THIS IS A PART 2 EVERYONE NEW TO THIS ASK READ PART ONE IF YOU WANT IDC I DONT CONTROL YOU ITS 5AM I HAVENT SLEPT

OKAY SO

BDUBS WAS FURIOUS WHEN HE AGREED TO ATTACK SCAR. HE HAD WANTED TO, HE WANTED IT TO HURT, HE KNEW HE COULD HURT

BUT I THINK THAT SEEING THE FEAR BETRAYAL HURT IN SCARS FACE AS HIS SWORD CUT THROUGH HIS SKIN CAUGHT HIM OFF GUARD. YEAH, HE WAS FURIOUS AT SCAR IN A WAY HE KNEW HE HAD NEVER BEEN BEFORE, BUT SEEING THAT LOOK ON SCARS FACE WASNT WHAT HE EXPECTED. THE WEIGHT OF WHAT HE WAS DOING TRULY SET ON HIS SHOULDERS AND HIS HEART BROKE.

WHEN HE SAW SCAR PULL BACK THE STRING OF THE BOW, SHAKING AND TREMBLING, HE UNDERSTOOD. SCAR HAD FORGOTTEN THE WEIGHT LIKE BDUBS MUST HAVE, BDUBS WAS SURPRISED TO SEE IT ACTUALLY HURT SCAR.

HE UNDERSTOOD THAT THIS IS AN AWFUL PLACE TO BE IN, WHEN YOURE SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS AND YOUR ACTIONS HAVE A WEIGHT YOURE NOT USED TO. A WEIGHT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO BEGIN TO NAVIGATE OR HANDLE. THEY DID HORRIBLE THINGS BUT ITS THEIR SITUATION, NOT THEM. THEY CAN MOVE PAST IT

BDUBS *APOLOGISED*. HE TRIED TO FIX IT. FOR JUST A MOMENT, HIS ANGER WAS AT THE WORLD, NOT SCAR

BUT THEN SCAR BRUSHED OFF WHAT HE DID, WHILE BEING UPSET WITH WHAT BDUBS DID

HE WHINED AND WHINGED AND COMPLAINED ABOUT NO NO, **HE** DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG BUT BDUBS DID. IT WAS DURING A GAME BUT BDUBS WAS OUT OF NOWHERE

OUT OF NOWHERE????

A GAME THEY WERE WORKING TOGETHER IN. THEY WERE ALL GOING TO WIN WITH MINIMAL HARM. IT WASNT JUST OUT OF NOWHERE, IT WAS DURING A MOMENT OF HEARTFELT COMPASSION AND TRUST IN A TASK THAT WAS MEANT TO HURT THEM ALL

OUT OF NOWHERE????

SCAR WAS MAD AT HIM FOR RETALIATING AGAINST SCAR ***KILLING HIM***. IT COULDNT HAVE BEEN MORE THAN, WHAT, SEVEN HEARTS?

BDUBS DIDNT THINK HE WAS EVER ANGRIER. HE KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THAT ANGER. NOT WITH THE RESTRICTIONS, NOT WHEN HE WAS FULLY UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING TO HARM SCAR HOW SCAR HAD HARMED HIM. NOT WHEN THERE WAS NOTHING HE COULD DO TO HURT SCAR OVER AND OVER AND OVER UNTIL HE GOT IT THROUGH HIS THICK HEAD

NOT WHEN THEY HAD A TASK TO COMPLETE TOGETHER

YOU EVER HEARD OF SUPERHEATED WATER??? ITS WHEN THE WATER MOLECULES THEMSELVES GET HEATED IN THE MICROWAVE, INSTEAD OF THE CONTAINER. IT LEADS TO THE WATER BEING COMPLETELY STILL UNTIL SOMETHING BREAKS THE SURFACE TENSION. ONLY THEN DOES IT LOOK LIKE IT'S BOILING

THAT WAS BDUBS!!!!

BDUBS WAS DETERMINED TO PUT IT ASIDE FOR NOW, THEY HAD A CHALLENGE TO COMPLETE. AND UNLIKE SOMEONE, HE WAS A MAN OF HIS WORD. HE WAS GOING TO MAKE SURE ALL THREE OF THEM SUCCEEDED. HE WASNT GOING TO BETRAY THEM LIKE SCAR HAD HIM, EVEN AFTER SCAR ***KILLED HIM***

AND SCAR? SCAR JUST SAW STILL WATER. HE DIDNT SEE THE BOILING BUBBLING ANGER WHEN HE AND BDUBS WORKED TOGETHER ON THEIR TASK. WHEN BDUBS HELPED HIM COMPLETE IT HIMSELF, HE ASSUMED THAT MEANT ALL IS WELL

NOW TELL ME

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMETHING BREAKS THE SURFACE TENSION

Giggles part 1 here

Bro honestly the fact that Scar got mad at BDUBS for fair and square retaliating OHHHHHH god you're so right actually. I think bdubs would've probably let it go it bitterly if scar genuinely apologised and took it as them being even but saying bdubs HIT HIM OUT OF NOWHERE. OHHHHH

this is bdubs' season baby, Bdubs who always put himself in the side character's shoes learning to be the main character (killing the ender dragon), having OTHER PEOPLE work to get him to the top (pearl rooting for him) and now babygirl's holding grudges because he's LEARNED HIS WORTH BABYYYYY OUGHHHHHGHG I HOPE HE KILLS SCAR I HOPE NEXT SESSION SEES HIS RAGE GROW OHHHHHH I WANT THE SCARDUBS TO BE SO DRAMATIC. OH BABEY

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marauder-exe · 3 years

Text

Self care- p!Tommyinnit x reader

i wish i was bsfriends w tommy :’)

Word count: 1.3k

Warnings:themes of depression, nothing too deep

A/N: Taking Tommy and Wilbur requests!! u cant tell me tommy doesn’t do the classic british X’s on txts to his friends

It had been a rough stream, 8 hours sat in the same chair putting on the same happy face, it was unbelievably exhausting some days. You took of your headset and set it down after pressing ‘end stream’, you ruffled your hair and took in a deep breath, throwing a glance at the clock on your computer. 5am. You tried to throw caution to the wind, maybe it was an off day? But no, you could feel it, deep inside, another episode. You looked directly into the webcam, your face scrunching up as you take note of your appearance, your ruffled hair, your dark eye bags. It felt like hours, just staring at yourself, your famous thousand-yard stare painted across the screen. Suddenly, your phone vibrated from its place on the desk. You lethargically picked it up as the bright screen illuminated your otherwise dark room. It was Tommy.

Big T: ‘bedwars stream tmrw? : ) x’

You really didn't feel up to it in all honesty, but you didn’t want to let Tommy down like that, he loves bedwars. A sad smile made its way to your face as you drafted your text back.

Gremlin: ‘only if were on duos together : ) x’

Big T: ‘5pm? X’ You responded with a simple yeee.

You discarded your phone to the side and stood up for the first time in hours. Your bones ached as you outstretched your limbs. Pain. You walked over to your bed and sat on the edge, eyes scouring the room, even though you weren't sure what you were looking for, an escape maybe? It wasn’t even like you had anything to be upset over, great friends, successful streamer, everything was going great, but alas, depression does not give a shit. You crawled into bed, putting your phone on charge and grabbed all of your covers over your head, a long sigh making its way from your lips.

The next day/

Tommy loaded up minecraft on his computer, reading to slay game at bedwars with you. He got unusually excited when he played minecraft with you, even more excited than normal. There was something about you man, but he just couldn’t figure it out. Youd met in high school, same town and everything, and since then you were like a drug. Not a day had gone by since year 9 that you didn’t talk. He decided to drop you a message as you hadn't texted first. He asked if you were still up for bedwars. Surprisingly though, he didn’t receive a response. He waited. Just 5 minutes he said. And then 10. And then 20. Then 30. He decided to ring you just to check. Plus, he wanted to hear your voice. It rang thrice and nothing. His eyebrows drew together in confusion. You were almost always online. He tried not to overthink, but this is Tommy were talking about. Maybe you were still asleep? He wanted to believe that, but there was an itch, in his brain, that told him not to. Just to make sure, he decided to ask some of your mutual friends on the server. He clicked onto the group discord and noticed Wilbur, philza and Nikki in a vc.

“Hello Hoes and Homies alike” He bellowed when he joined the vc. Wilbur drew a confused look.

“I thought you were doing duo bed wars with (Y/N) today?” Tommy scoffed.

“Well yah, Wilburrrrr, if you let me get a word out” He joked light heartedly “No seriously though has anyone heard from her since her stream last night” They all looked confused and shook their heads. This made him even more concerned than he was. He quickly thanked them before disconnecting. His mind was running rampant. He quickly decided to throw his shoes on, you didn’t live that far, only a bus ride away on the otherside of town. He grabbed his keys and his jacket and rushed down the stairs.

“Going over to (Y/N)s for a bit” He shouted to Motherinnit as he slammed the door shut.

-------------

You were straing at the roof in a pit of self loathing when you heard your phone ring. Ugh. It seemed so much work to pick it up. Your hand made its way from under the mountain of covers and snatched your phonr from the side. Tommy. You felt a sting in the back of your eyes and tossed your phone on the bed, turning over and curling up in the covers. You stared at the inside of your covers for minutes on end. Your doorbell sent a sharp chime through the house as your mother went to answer it.

“Hello Tommy, what a surprise" He threw her a quickly greeted her and got straight to the point.

“Is (Y/N) in?”

“Shes upstairs I think, I havent heard from her all day though. Go on up” She stood to the side and let him pass.

You heard the entire conversation through your open window, and let out a heavy sigh, although you were secretly thanking Tommy in uour head for checking up on you. You heard his converse hit the steps as your door was threw open. Tommy immediately regretted his actions, wondering if you were asleep as he took note of the heap of covers on the bed. He let out a quiet whisper.

“(Y/N)?”

You didn’t really feel like talking, but you let out a quiet ‘yeah’. He rushed over to your side upon hearing your weak response.

“is everything alright? We were meant to be playing bedwars like an hour ago” This prompted you to pull the covers off your head and look at him. He took note of your puffy red eyes, and the dark eye bgs lying underneath. He looked around your room, empty energy drink cand and food containers littered your room. It suddenly clicked to him. You weren't doing okay. He looked back at you deeply, something about that look just caused the floodgates to open. Your eyes were glassy, as Tommy practically melted. He hated seeing you like this. Sure he had the bit of him being a big man with no emotions, but you where his weakness. “Hey, cmon don’t cry” He whispered as he opened his arms, welcoming you into a hug. In an instant you where in his arms, leaving tear stains on his TShirt. He didn’t seem to mind though. After a moment of silence, only broken by your sobs, he piped up. “How about, we forget about the stream for today, and ill go to the corner shop and get us some snacks, and marshmallows and whipped cream, and we can have those killer hot chocolates your mom makes. We can watch a bunch of movies, and ill even let you put one of those stupid facemasks on me, yeah?” This caused a laugh to pierce your sobs, which started to lighten up. You sniffled and pulled back from his hug, a huge smile making its way onto your face, the first genuine smile in a while.

“Thats my girl, that’s what I love to see” He matched your smile. You quickly threw your arms around him and pulled him into a long hug.

“Thank you Tommy” You said sincerely.

“Anything for my favourite girl” He smiled, as he pulled back from the hug. “Maybe while im gone you could try to shower?” He knew how tough some simple things where when you felt like this. You nodded smally and sat up. He leapt from the bed and smiled. “Okay, I wont be long!” And with that, he dashed out of the room.

You lay back on your bed. You werent okay, but that’s okay, because Tommyinnit is your best friend :)

#tommy #tommyinnit #tommyinit #tommyinnitt #tommyinitt #tommyinnit x reader #mcyt #mcyt imagine #mcyt x reader #smp

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haikyuuuuuhypeeeee · 3 years

Text

Ch. Fourteen

⚠WARNING: Swearing

• ────── ✾ ────── •

Waking up is painful. Physically painful, at least. You’re not ready to deal with the emotional pain from yesterday, no thank you.

You finally peel your eyes open, a true struggle considering how they were crusted together. You take in your surroundings and form the first coherent thought of the day.

This isn’t my bedroom.

Your eyes seem to be crusted shut. You sit up and realize that no, this is not your apartment, this is Osamu’s apartment. This is his bed you’re currently sitting up from, his blankets wrapped around you.

You then form your second coherent thought of the day.

His detergent smells really nice.

That thought finishes in your head before it’s slammed aside by the rush of yesterday’s memories - group therapy with your friends and Osamu, Oikawa being a complete dick to Osamu, your argument with Oikawa which resulted in Oikawa blabbing of your love for Hajime, leaving the restaurant crying, realizing you lost your keys but they’re at Osamu’s apartment, walking to Osamu’s crying…

From there it’s a bit murkier as your memories intertwined with self-deprecating thoughts and a line of thinking you rarely walk down anymore.

Last night was a night.

You do somewhat remember Osamu comforting you. Letting you know that it was okay and he was there for you.

You glance around the studio apartment, wondering where he was. Oh god, did you force him out good lord you are -

Oh, no he’s sitting on his couch with a cup of coffee.

You’re filled with guilt when you realize you monopolized his bed and completely took over his apartment. Yeah, he maybe didn’t need to sleep last night (a concept you still don’t fully understand nor approve of) but you have fully overstayed your welcome.

Grabbing your phone from the side table you tap the screen, taking in the notifications on your screen.

Shit, I never messaged Makki or Mattsun.

Your gut feels like lead as you open the group chat with the two. That was a big fuck up on your end.

Fuck, I’m such a shitty friend.

You don’t waste anytime typing out a message.

“Tea?”

You look up from your phone and are greeted with Osamu’s sleepy gaze, a mug of tea held in his hand for you. You reach for the mug, nodding slowly.

“How’re yer feel in’ this morning?” He asks as you take a sip. You shrug in response

“I’m okay. I’m sorry I just fell apart like that on you.” You say. “I wasn’t having a great night, and my emotions just kind of bled all over the place. And I’m sorry that I fell asleep.”

“Yeah, that was actually pretty funny.” Osamu smiles. “Ya just kinda passed out on my shoulder. I had to lift ya to get ya onto the bed.”

You blink, absolutely mortified. “Oh wow, I am so sorry. That’s so embarrassing.”

“Nah, it was cute.” Osamu takes a casual sip from his mug, seemingly oblivious to the flirty line he just dropped. “But ya seemed pretty upset last night, and i wasn’t gonna let ya walk home like that.” The smile drops from his face and he looks at you with concern. “If ya wanna talk about it ya can, although I don’t want to push ya. It’d be pretty dumb of me to.

“I know I’ve been pretty skeptical about openin’ up and talkin’ ‘bout my feelings, but since meetin’ ya I’ve felt better. Lighter, I guess.” He shrugs. “Ya’ve made me realize how important it is to open up.”

You look down at your tea, a small smile tugging at your lips. Your heart warms at Osamu’s words, part of you preening that you were the one who has helped Osamu, but also you feel genuine relief that Osamu wants to open up more.

“Well, let me treat you to breakfast this morning - it’s the least I can do.” You finish your tea and give Osamu a small smile. “I can tell you about yesterday if you don’t mind listening.”

Osamu smiles in return. “Sure, let me grab my stuff.” He takes the mug from your hand and shuffles into the kitchen. You sit up, stretching your arms and grabbing your phone. A few more messages have come through from Mattsun and Makki.

Uhhhhh…….

You open up your chat with Oikawa, finding hundreds of messages from him. He hasn’t sent you anything since 5am. You quickly navigate back to the chat with your other friends.

Frantic knocks, one after another, beat against Osamu’s door.

No way.

Osamu gives you a look before walking to the front door. He checks the paper hole, then turns back and looks at you with faint amusement.

“It’s for ya.”

You stand from the bed, moving into the kitchen. Regretfully, you open the door.

A distressed-looking Oikawa is the surprise visitor. He looks absolutely beside himself - his eyes are bloodshot and swollen, snot is dripping out of his nose, and his hair is messy and lackluster.

Oh dear god.

He bursts into tears when he sees you, but surprisingly doesn’t throw himself at you. He must be learning some boundaries. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Y/N-chan! I was being stupid and petty and I didn’t mean to-”

“Ok, ok c’mon. You’re going to wake up Osamu’s neighbors.” You bring the snivelling, pathetic Oikawa inside, quickly closing the door behind him. You help him get his shoes off, glancing around the Osamu. You spot him at the sink, filling a glass with water. He brings it over, giving Oikawa a nod and silently passing the water to him.

“Thank you Osamu-kun.” Oikawa gratefully takes the water and downs it before handing the empty glass back to an amused Osamu. “I plan on giving you a full apology soon, I promise.”

Osamu huffs a laugh and goes back into the kitchen. He sets the glass in the sink as you lead Oikawa through and into the living room.

“I’m so sorry,” you whisper to Osamu. “Do you want me to go?”

“Nah,” Osamu waves his hand. “I’ll get ready for breakfast in the bathroom, and give you guys some space.”

“Thank you, I’ll try to make this quick.”

“Take yer time.” Osamu smiles at you and moves to the bathroom. You turn back to Oikawa, who is watching you with regret painting all over his face.

“I’m sorry I told Makki and Mattsun that you love Hajime.” Oikawa blurts without any bite.

You think you see Osamu flinch out of the corner of your eye but when you look his way you see the bathroom door closing. You look back to Oikawa and sigh.

“Why did you say it then?”

Oikawa heaves a sigh and hangs his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to say to make you not hate me.”

“Oikawa, I don’t hate you.” You join him on the couch, leaning into his side. “Talk to me.”

Oikawa presses back to you and you feel his shoulders move up and down as he takes another deep breath. “I knew that uni classes and volleyball would be really really hard - but as long as we all had each other we would be fine. We smashed through high school together, so this was just another challenge.

“But when Iwa-chan died it changed everything. Obviously.” Oikawa takes a shaky breath. “But I still had you, Mattsun and Makki. I knew that we wouldn’t be the same without Iwa-chan, and classes and volleyball would be hard, but we would be friends.

“I don’t think I knew how hard everything would be. My classes suck, volleyball is a chore, and I miss Iwa-chan.” He sniffles. “I miss him so much. I feel like I don’t know who I am without him. But I had you guys, I always had my friends.

“But Mattsun and Makki are in their own world sometimes, and then you started hanging out with Osamu.” He looks at you, tears shining in his brown eyes. “I know it makes me sound like you can’t have other friends beside me, and I really don’t want to be selfish. But you were spending more time with Osamu and it hit me that you were all growing up and becoming different people.” A few tears track down his face and he sniffs. “I don’t want anything to change, I don’t want Iwa-chan to be dead, I don’t want to be a terrible person.”

Oikawa starts to cry and you don’t hesitate in pulling him into a side hug. He’s not really sobbing but you feel his pain deep in your heart. One of your hands comes up to card gently through his hair.

“I know I’ve been a piece of shit the last few months. And I can tell that you really like Osamu, even though you’ve always loved Iwa-chan. Whenever you talked about him you had this happy and bright look on your face. He makes you feel good, but you love Iwa-chan. You moving on meant change, and I hated that.” Oikawa sniffs. “But bringing Osamu to the group therapy session, which I always thought was our group’s thing, made me realize that you were changing. I was so angry, and your secret just slipped out.”

He takes a watery breath. “Isn’t it awful? I’ve been trying to drag you back down to my level, bring you back down to feel the pain that I feel, all because I’m scared. I’m a terrible, awful friend.”

“Oikawa, have you had time to go to your therapy appointments?” You ask gently.

He doesn’t answer right away, and when he gives the tiniest shake of his head you sigh.

“Honey,” you scold gently. “Why are you not going?”

“School and volleyball have taken up a lot of my time.” Oikawa mumbles, his sentence punctuated with another sniffle. “I’ve skipped so many appointments, and I’m too embarrassed to call.”

You sigh, inwardly shaking your head at your friend’s weak excuse. “I don’t want to tell you what to do, but maybe re-prioritize your responsibilities. Getting back on track with your therapy appointments should take top priority. You can talk through these feelings instead of letting them fester.”

Oikawa doesn’t answer right away, but when he does his voice is small. “But I’d probably have to quit volleyball, and that’s all I have left of Iwa-chan.” You see his hands ball into fists. “I don’t want to lose that.” His breath hitches. “I don’t know what to do.”

You let him cry on your shoulder, giving him the time to get all the tears out. You figure this is the most civil conversation you’ve had since Hajime died. The thought brings you relief but also makes you quite sad.

“You know you’re one of my best friends, right Oikawa?” You ask once he’s calmed down a bit. “You’re a diva and a trainwreck, but you’re my diva and my trainwreck.” He exhales lightly but you’re almost certain it’s in amusement. “No matter what, I’m always going to want the best for you, and I’m always gonna try my best to help you.

“But,” you feel him tense up when you continue. “You have to realize that your behavior the past few months has been really shitty. You’ve treated us all like punching bags - we get it, probably more than a lot of people could. But I’m not gonna let you treat me, or any of our friends, like it anymore.”

“I’ll be good.” Oikawa promises immediately. “I promise, I’ll do better for you and Makki and Mattsun. And me.”

“Good.” You give him a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry for yelling at you last night in the restaurant.”

“You don’t have to apologize at all.” He replies immediately. He yawns before speaking again. “Honestly, I’ve been a piece of shit for months now. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” You murur. You both sit on the couch for a while longer as you try to come down from the conversation you just had. You feel like a heavy cloud that’s been floating around your head for months has cleared, and although you know Oikawa won’t magically change overnight you feel better knowing that you’ve had this hard conversation with him. Change starts with communication, and hopefully Oikawa understands now that he has the support to change.

You feel Oikawa leaning against you even further and you look at his face to see his eyes closed and mouth parted open.

“Oikawa, c’mon I don’t want you falling asleep.” You gently push him off you so you can stand and get Oikawa to stand also. His eyes are still closed and he puts nearly all of his body weight onto you.

He must not have slept all night, you think. It’s not uncommon for him to pull all nighters, a habit he picked up in high school watching game tape over and over until the sun came up. But he handles the lack of sleep gracelessly - you could prop him against a door jamb and he’d pass out no problem.

Together you move towards the front door. You’re not going to let him fall asleep here and inconvenience Osamu even more - you’ll take him back to your apartment and maybe try to catch lunch with Osamu. Now you owe him a few meals and unlimited coffee.

“Gotta apologize to Osamu-kun,” Oikawa mumbles when you lean him against the wall.

“Maybe when you’re going to fall asleep standing up, yeah?” You reply, bending down to shove his feet back in his shoes. You hear more mumblings in return but can’t make anything out of them.

As you’re getting your shoes on you hear the bathroom door open and out walks Osamu. He’s dressed and his face is composed into it’s usual blankness. Trusting that Oikawa won’t keel over, you walk over to where Osamu is reaching into his dresser for socks.

“I’m so sorry,” you say. “I have to reschedule breakfast, I have to make sure this idiot won’t sleepwalk into traffic.”

“S’alright. Didja work everything out?” Osamu asks in a measured tone.

“I think so.” Osamu’s not looking at you as he puts on his socks. Your gut twinges with guilt, realizing that he must be upset that you have to cancel breakfast. “But I think I’m gonna take him to my apartment and make sure he sleeps. Do you want to meet up for lunch or something?”

“Can’t.” His short answer makes you blink. “Meetin’ a group on campus for a class project.”

“Oh.” He’s still not meeting your gaze, and you detect a hint of gruffness in his tone. Maybe he’s upset that he has to meet with his group last minute? Or because you basically shoved him into his bathroom while you and Oikawa worked out your issues. “Dinner then? I owe you double now.”

“Probably not.” Osamu stands and gathers a few books and a notebook before shoving them into his backpack. His inability to look at you or hold a full conversation is confusing, but you don’t want to push him.

“Well let’s meet at the coffee shop tomorrow, usual time after morning classes. Sounds good?”

He hums distractedly. Your gut feels heavier and you swallow hard.

“Okay, well I’ll be off now.”

Osamu turns towards you but still doesn��t meet your eyes. “I’ll walk ya out.”

You both make the short walk to the front door. The tension in the room is heavy, unable to lighten even at the sight of Oikawa sleeping standing up. You maneuver your friend while Osamu opens the door for you. It’s a slight struggle walking out of the front door but you manage.

You look back before Osamu can close the door behind you. He’s holding the door knob and staring at the ground. “Let me know if you can do dinner tonight - if not I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You force as much cheeriness into your voice, despite the heavy weight in your chest. Finally Osamu looks at you, giving you a disinterested nod.

He closes the door as you turn to walk away. You look back quickly, catching a crestfallen look on Osamu’s face before the door fully closes.

• ────── ✾ ────── •

A/N: So when I originally thought about this story, I wanted to think about how different people deal with grief. And what I wanted to explore was 1.) is there a limit to how people will grieve? And 2.) can someone grieving push that limit? From the get-go Oikawa has seemingly pushed the limit of what some of you believed, and yet Y/N was still hesitant to call him out. And I loved hearing what everyone had to say about Oikawa - some were willing to give him a pass, and some were NOT happy with him. Now, just because someone is grieving, it does NOT give them a free pass to behave inappropriately or do serious harm to those around them. But I think it’s important to note that what may seem absolutely insane to one person is tolerable to another. And what it comes down to is how the person who is directly affected by another’s actions wants to address those actions (sorry if this is confusing.) Oikawa was treating Y/N and their friends like shit. In the story it was because Oikawa was not taking the necessary actions to keep himself mentally healthy. In Y/N’s eyes, if there is a desire to be better, and appropriate actions are taken to be better, then Oikawa deserves to be forgiven. I have absolutely LOVED reading everyone’s reactions and hearing their opinions on Oikawa’s slowly deteriorating behavior, thank you for sending them in! And just because how Y/N has reacted to Oikawa’s behavior it does not mean there is a right/wrong way! Everyone has different life experiences and different relationships that guide their decision-making! And that’s totally okay! (This obviously applies to non-threatening and morally & ethically right behavior.) And WOOF thank you for getting this far in the A/N’s, this was a LOT! Gold stars for everyone!! 🌟🌟🌟

Taglist Open! Please send an Ask with the request to be added to It’s [Not] Okay Fic & SMAU: @psycho-nightrose @camcam1617 @kamalymaly @toobsessedsstuff @shookykookie30 @roro-707 @qualitygiantshoepsychic @cerealfrdinner797 @ara-mitsue @gray-444 @tanakasimpcorner @rintarovibes @jellien @everytimeswift @bongofrito @babucrow @beidouluvr @kozuken-ma @imarriedachef

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 3 years

Note

Hi! I love everything that you write and heh I am a fan! 😄 tbh this is my first time requesting something on Tumblr! If you don't mind and if I am not being a bother...can you write about how the guys would react If MC suddenly starts making meme references? I don't know how I got the idea but I am REALLY curious. And love you! :D

Hiya! Tyvm for the kind words, and apologies that this took a while! I hope you have the chance to enjoy it regardless ❤️❤️❤️ Love you too, sweet pea! I promise to get to the next request you’ve sent ASAP~

Aight but this would be hilarious because the range of the reactions is just ungodly. I will be putting this under a cut after Napoleon so I don’t clog up everyone’s dash, but all the suitors are included below otherwise!

Comte is the one that recognizes a few, but didn’t really stay in modern times long enough to be as well-versed as a Gen Z kid might. Regardless he finds the wittiness and absolute chaotic fuckery to be delightful, and will 100% support the harmless nonsense. It never fails to get a laugh out of him

Mozart that first day be like: “Buzz off MC I hate you” MC, because she likes swinging bats at wasps’ nests: “Well that’s not very cash money of you” Mozart: ?????????? Comte, giggling in the bg like the secret fae he is This one’s just because I’m petty, but after the events of Comte rt I just imagine them encountering Vlad again and MC’s just “I lived bitch.” while Comte is flipping him off behind her lkjahgkjhdsg

Comte @ Leo when he finds the latter under his desk: Had it not been for the laws of this land, I would have slaughtered you. MC: wheezing from the hallway as she’s about to give him his letters

MC: So how was your day, honey? Comte: Good, good--briefly had to go beastmode upon the punk that pilfered my lint roller MC, biting her lip to keep from laughing: So does Leo still have his kneecaps? Comte: for now.

Comte, @ literally anyone upsetting the MC: I won’t hesitate, bitch

Comte: Be careful with my emotional baggage, it’s designer

MC: What if I was evil and ran towards you at very fast speeds Comte: My arms are strong, I would catch and hug you

Leo and Dazai are the ones that don’t have a single reference point but are filled with so much dumbass chaos energy that they just. Understand immediately???? Nobody knows how or why, but they just catch on so fast--adapt the language in a matter of weeks. Never underestimate the power of combined boredom, depression, and humor

I swear to god I just see MC taking them their Blanc/Rouge and being like “here you go sir, one enslaved moisture” and they just go fucking hog wild from day one. MC starts impersonating Theo when he leaves the room around Dazai, like fake deep voice “you all only hate me because you do not like me and I am mean to you. grow up.” Or like the MC meets a baby on her travels with Leo around town and she holds them and says v seriously and sagely “So you are Baby? I have heard tales of your exploits.” and Leo about loses his shit right there. They both think MC is the funniest person alive--they’ve never been more eager to throw a ring at someone in their entire life.

Also a bonus for my beloved Dazai: MC, facing even the slightest inconvenience (like dropping her fork) in the most dramtic voice possible: Life is not daijoubu. Dazai: wheezing

MC, after watching Theo turn down a woman at the bar in the meanest way possible: bro quit letting the darkness consume you u r scaring the hoes Dazai, literally rolling around on the ground, half-drunk and dying:

MC, walking alongside Dazai and stopping to stare at her reflection in the River Seine. Dazai’s expecting some sad or twisted shit, since people often feel comfortable talking about those things around him, but instead she just: “Oh, it’s you. The source of all my problems.” And he about falls into the river from shock HAHAHA

At this point don’t be surprised if his next book is about an absolute madlad woman similar to MC

Napoleon finds it to be a delightful quirk more than anything? He doesn’t really understand it, but he finds it funny when they change their voice for effect or speak in exaggerated tones. If it’s just comprehensible enough for an outsider to understand--or Sebas gives him context--chances are it’ll send him into a laughing fit

For this one I just imagine MC singing that Ratatouille meme song obnoxiously bad while cooking, and Napoleon and Comte are just so wildly amused by it bc it makes zero sense and it’s only vaguely French at this point

MC @ Napoleon while they’re cooking brunch: Can I offer you a nice egg in these trying times?

MC, conflicted because she’s tired and wanted to sleep in but also got to see Napo’s cute sleeping face for a few hours: For my next stunt, I’ll wake up at 5AM on the day I can sleep in. Sebas: Early to bed and early to rise makes a person healthy, wealthy, and wise MC: early to bed and early to rise makes me a massive bitch Napoleon: laughing in agreement

Isaac is the type to be bewildered and concerned at first (especially when he hears the more nihilistic ones hoOOOoooOO BOY) but eventually begins to understand it’s some bizarre attempt at humor (that hurts Zack baby). While some part of him laments that it reminds him of Dazai and he’s secretly jealous of how she and Dazai bond over it, he will sometimes join in the chaos when the mood strikes him and he’s feeling mischievous

Isaac: How are you feeling? MC: Oh, I’m not Isaac: seconds from dialing 911 Isaac: Are you okay? MC: Oh yeah dw I just suffer from that syndrome where your neutral expression makes you look like you’re an angry serial killer Isaac: say sike rn

Isaac, tutoring MC and correcting something: MC, muttering while redoing it: The risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math. Isaac: unable to help a laugh

One time MC was avoiding Isaac for fear of hurting his feelings and he just confronts her like: Isaac: back by unpopular demand, me! What’s wrong, MC pls MC was so hecking proud of him

Isaac, telling MC about a recent discovery he learned at uni from another professor: bones typically heal stronger after they’ve been broken--so long as they’re set properly, of course MC, looking him dead in the eyes: So what you’re saying is that I should break every bone in my body until I become superhumanly powerful? Isaac: please do not, no

Mozart and Jeanne are just. Totally lost. Why are you talking like that??? Why are you making “crab hands”???? They don’t understand. Maybe never will. They reach a point where they just kind of laugh and shake their heads, endeared by the oddity after they’re used to it and have determined it isn’t a threat/insult.

MC: It’s a cold and it’s a brooooken, Waluigi. Waaaaluigiiiii...waaaahluigi..... Mozart: surprised, then starts snickering and playing along on the piano

Arthur, asking MC very personal questions out loud because he is an idiot sometimes: Soooo MC, are you a top or a bottom? MC: I’m a threat. (If he asks a second time, the response will be “Wouldn’t you like to know, weatherboy.”) Jeanne, fighting a smile:

MC, about to punch an asshole: Your free trial of being alive has ended Jeanne, seconds from laughing for the first time in 100 years:

Also, because I genuinely can’t help myself. You know that knight meme like “Parry this you fucking casual.” I cannot stress enough that it is literally the personification of Jeanne’s entire character. I’m not even joking.

Arthur and Shakespeare are utterly fascinated by the rapid evolution of wordplay and the sheer hilarity. They will ask all about these so-called “memes” and ask for examples of them if MC can show them (either somehow accessing her phone or drawing them). MC draws Arthur the knife cat meme and he about a s c e n d s at the hilarity of it all, points and yells THEO IS HOLDING THE KNIFE. He is correct. They will be delighted and follow along eagerly, and--god forbid--will make their own based on late 19th century struggles.

Is this where Shakespeare got the idea for “What, you egg? stabs him” and “You are a saucy boy.”? I’m too scared to ask. Don’t even get me started on “The Fool jingled miserably across the floor.” That one is just too on the nose...

I can’t even imagine what would happen to Shakespeare if MC like translated vines and memes into Ye Olde English around him. Imagine she’s at one of those noble balls and hears rumors of these two guys living together and they’re so obviously gay and he says “And those gents w’re roommates.” And in the most false surprised tone ever MC just replies “oh mine own god, those gents w’re roommates.” Imagine having a wife that’s just as hilarious as you are and hits you with all the force of a bag of wet mice every time you speak in retaliation, he’s going into palpitations.

Every time Arthur does smth stupid MC just: “I Pretend I Do Not See It.”

Vincent is tickled pink by MC’s penchant for finding joy and/or amusement in nearly everything they do, and he smiles gently when he sees them muttering and laughing to themselves. He wants to be able to join them in what they love, but he has a harder time following along and understanding the darker humor sometimes. Mostly gets confused??? Please give him the easier ones to mimic and laugh when he tries--or just include him in your jokes MC. He’s babie your honor...

But he also. Will not. Stand any kind of self-deprecation or borderline verbal self-harm. He’s usually very easygoing and calm, but for whatever reason that stuff makes him go deathly quiet and upset.

MC, after something goes horribly wrong, hugging Vincent: Oh Vince, we really in it now Vincent: giggling a little despite his worries, relaxing

MC: Theo stop simping for Vincent that’s my job

MC, when Theo leaves the room and she gets Vincent all to herself: The evil is defeated.

MC: And this is where I would put my will to live...if I h a d one! Vincent: ;-; MC: oh shit, oh fuck, I was only kidding Vincent wait (MC was subsequently lectured and loved on for many hours)

Theo is conflicted because on the one hand, he loves to see you smiling and having fun. On the other, you’re clowning as hard as Dazai and Arthur and he can only handle so many monkeys in his circus. Most of the time he will roll his eyes and be the straight man of this comedy, but you might find him cracking a smile--or accidentally letting a chuckle slip past his lips now and again.

MC, after meeting Theo: I’m a nice person, but I’m about to start throwing rocks at people.

Theo, those first days: Oh? You’re approaching me? Instead of running away, you’re coming right to me? MC: I can’t beat the shit out of you without getting closer.

Theo: Every time I ask MC to explain “vibe check” to me she hits me with some kind of improvised weapon

MC, after the “incident” (you know the one): This year, I lost my dear lover Theo Theo, in the distance: QUIT TELLING EVERYONE I’M DEAD! MC: ;-; sometimes I can still hear his voice...

Sebastian is last because oh boy. OH BOYYYYY I LOVE HIM. Okay so the way I see this happening with Sebastian is just. So wild. Because at first he’s t r y i n g so hard to be the proper butler man. He does not meme. But then he starts to drift closer to what Niles from The Nanny was, where he’ll quip and joke in private or when the situation is just beyond the amount of absurdity he can handle without making a snarky comment. Everyone in the house can’t fathom how Sebas and MC got so close so fast, but there are points where they’re just “Are they even speaking English anymore???” It’s 11 times funnier than normal because Sebas almost never smiles or laughs when memeing, the deadpan quality of his playing along sends MC every time

Has ABSOLUTELY said “HEY. PANINI HEAD. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME???” jokingly when MC made a mistake in the kitchen. They laugh about it for y e a r s

MC: I can’t date someone who keeps a lamb as a pet, that’s so weird Sebas, brushing Lotte in front of MC: MC: MC: Okay, I will make an exception because she looks very polite

MC and Sebas, fully aware of the fame some of the men will reach in modern times: We will watch your career with great interest. (I s2g that’s like half of Sebas’ rt right there I’m crying)

Sebas rt with Lotte be like that 500 dollar Mareep meme: “sometimes a family can be just a boy, his gf, and their 500 dollar two foot tall Lotte”

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captainillogical · 5 years

Text

Devil’s Ballroom Ch.8

A year after the events from the earth’s final attack, Little Homeworld is finally complete, and there’s a new jazz bar where gems and humans mingle and drink. - As you’re typing back a reply, someone pulls the stool out next to you and takes a seat. You see a sliver of pink out of the corner of your eye as you try not to actually Look. Oh god. It’s her. God can’t help us now.

Spinel/Reader

collab with my lovely wife @firstofficertightpants

(i’m sorry. i have terrible chapter pacing skills so the next one will be the last, not this one. thanks for all of ur patience p: )

Immediately you accidentally elbow Alex in the face as you try to get out of his grip, and he yells out in pain and drops you onto the ground.

"Wait! SPINEL!" You shout and run towards the direction she went, but you don’t see her anywhere. "SPINEL!!!" You shout again, eyes frantically roaming in every direction around for her, a couple of people stop to stare at you. She’s much faster than you, and could be leagues away by now.

You can't believe she would just run like that, without explanation. She was staring at you and Alex like.. did she seriously think that you and Alex.. oh god. She thought you were with Alex.

Okay. You try not to panic as you stand there, awkwardly. You feel a hand on your shoulder.

"What the hell was that?" Alex says beside you. You can't speak for a moment, and when you do, your voice comes out hoarse.

"Er.. I think some horrible misunderstanding just happened." You say, defeated. You look up at him, and you're trying to not be visibly upset. He looks down at you, and makes a face.

"That was her? She could've said hi, sheesh.. she even left cookies here." He shrugs, looking at the spilled cookies on the ground.

"Dude. How are you so fucking stupid." You say, nearly about to smack him again. He gives you a confused look. "Are you shitting me? She came to give me those cookies in thanks for yesterday, and what does she see? You kissing all over my face."

He still gives you a blank look.

"Ohhhh my god. You are such a fucking moron." You retort, staring at him for several solid seconds until a look of sudden realization hits his facial expressions.

“Oh. OHHHHHHHHHHHH.” He covers his mouth, and has the audacity to look mortified.

“Yeah.” You cross your arms. “Thanks for that.”

“I uh.. man, I just wanted some Y/N love, I’m sorry. I just got so carried away.”

“I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m like, romantically involved with you.. Oh god what if she thinks I like men?” You cover your face in your hands, groaning into them. “I never told her that I liked just girls..”

“You told her about your crush on Harper though? What about that?” He raises his eyebrows in question.

“Yeah but I never told her about any of the other shit, and I haven’t exactly like.. given her any signals..”

“But you flirt with her all the time! And she flirts back! I know, because you’ve told me everything, multiple times.” He bends down and scoops up the container, and picks up the cookies and places them all back inside.

“Alex, I really hate to break this to you, but girls flirt with each other all the time. Most of the time, it’s over compliments, and sometimes it SEEMS genuine, but really, they’re just being nice.” You say. “Unless you’re super bold, with girls you basically have to be frank with them about your feelings and intentions for them to realize you’re serious. I myself prefer to kinda be sure that the other person likes me back, before I stick my neck out, you know? Because getting the ‘Oh, I thought we were just friends’ shit fucking hurts.”

“I’m pretty sure she likes you, dude.” He says to you like you’re an idiot.

“I’m not so sure about that.” You say, because you refuse to believe anything unless the cold hard facts are slapping you in the face.

“For someone so smart, how are you so stupid?” He sniffs one of the cookies, and looks like he’s contemplating taking a bite. You scoff. “You know what? Don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter. My point is, even I can tell she likes you.”

"Coming from you, that means nothing to me." He immediately looks up, completely offended. “What? I mean, seriously. Do I have to remind you of all of our middle school and high school years? That should explain itself.”

“Okay when you put it that way, YEAH, I was stupid, but this is different. This is me absorbing someone ELSE’S love life, and even I’m not that much of a fool.” He sighs, and mournfully tosses the cookies into the bin closest to you. “I think you need to like, give her a call or something and explain yourself. She looked really upset.”

“Yeah, I..” You pause for a second to pick your screwdriver back up. You don’t even want to work anymore. “You’re right. I’m just nervous.”

“Just do it before you overthink it.” He replies.

“Ugh, okay.” You pull out your phone, swipe over to your contacts, and press the call button on Spinel’s name. Immediately, it goes to voicemail.

Of course.

You leave a voicemail for her to call you back as soon as she hears this, and you also shoot her a text.

“She’s not answering.” You say.

“Of course she’s not, I mean, I wouldn’t either. Give her a while and try again later, she probably just needs some time.” He says, and also pulls out his phone, typing something on it real quick. “Also, give me a minute, mom needs to call me about something for tomorrow.” He steps a couple feet away from you to take the call.

You stare at your phone, and for the first time in a long time, you really don’t know what to fucking do other than just stand there. What if she’s so upset, she never talks to you again? Will she give you a chance to hear you out? And are you ready to talk about your feelings with her?

Lord.

You haven’t really thought about them too much yourself, if you’re going to be honest. You’ve been keeping this all super casual in your mind, because it feels irrational to grow feelings for someone this quickly, considering you’ve known her for less than 2 weeks. But.. you admit, the more you push the thoughts away, the more you understand that you might like her a lot more than you originally considered, and denying them will just cause you issues like that one time when you were 19.

You sigh out loud. Off to the side you can hear Alex arguing with his mother about some errands she wants him to run tomorrow, and for a brief moment you consider just going home, but then remember that not even Mr. Smiley can cover the rest of the shift. You have a good two hours left, you can survive, hopefully. You make yourself busy with fixing the part you were previously working on - but you’re having a hard time concentrating. After a couple minutes, Alex taps on the side of the wall, and you peek your head out to look at him.

“Look, I hate to do this to you right now, but mom wants me to go grab a few things from her office, and pick up an order from the print place before it closes.” He pushes his curly dark hair out of his eyes, half leaning on the wall next to you. “I can probably be back by the time you’re done with your shift.”

“Hmm.. alright.” You mumble, trying to keep your mind on more positive things. He leans closer to you, stretches out his arm, and pokes you on the cheek.

“Don’t hyperfocus on this. Shit will be fine, you just gotta give her some time to get back to you, okay hun?” He gives your cheek a little love smack and stands straight, heading out already. You watch him go.

“Super easy for you to say..” You say to yourself, and busy your hands.

Most of the rest of the shift passes quietly, and you receive no messages from anyone. You hate that you can’t do anything, not really, so you send Spinel another text. She still hasn’t seen the other one, and it’s been nearly two hours.

Y/N: Can we talk? Please.

You aren’t in the mood to text anyone else, so you put your phone back into your pocket, and start all of your closing duties. The next twenty minutes goes by in a heartbeat, the crowds of tourists long since dissipated. There isn’t a lot to do. Once you clock out and grab your things from the breakroom, you feel your phone vibrate so you pull it out quickly to see who it is. You try and fail not to feel disappointed that it’s just Alex.

Alex: she wrapped me up in some other shit so like, im runnin hella late

Alex: im sorry

Alex: its gonna be a while, ill let you know when im done and ill just come over to ur place

Alex: if thats ok

You type out a couple replies to him, and sigh out loud. It’s for the best really. You don’t exactly want him to talk to you about all this stuff right now anyway. You head out, lock up the place, and walk in the general direction of your home.

By the time you’re home and settled, Alex has given you an update, and it’s been nearly four hours since you saw Spinel with no response. You’re seriously starting to worry, because she’s never not replied to your messages like this. You go to send her another text, and realize that she still hasn’t opened any of your messages. You send her another inquiry, and pop up your chat with Steven.

Y/N: Steven.

Y/N: I need you to answer asap.

You see that he’s online, and you wait for an answer. It only takes him a minute or two to get back to you.

Steven: Hey Y/N, what’s up?

Y/N: Have you talked to Spinel in the last couple of hours?

Steven: Not since this morning, why?

Y/N: Can you call her just to check up on her? I’m worried about something.

Steven: Yeah hold on.

You wait for several long minutes for him to get back to you.

Steven: Her phone’s just going to voicemail, which is pretty weird. Maybe she accidentally let it die? I’ll let you know when she answers back.

Steven: Are you guys okay?

Y/N: Uhh, I’ll get back to you on that.

Steven: Hmm, okay.

You go to lay on your couch face down, and scream into the cushions.

Apparently you fall asleep that way, because the next thing you know, you have to peel your drool covered face off the couch cushion. You blink away your sleep-heavy eyes, and blearily check your phone. It’s 5am.

The only message you’ve received is one from Alex saying he stopped by, but left since he saw you were sleeping. Okay wow, he could’ve woken you up into a better sleeping position. Your neck feels like shit.

You’re trying to ignore the growing feeling of dread in your stomach, pointedly not thinking about how Spinel hasn’t texted you back yet, and how long it’s been. You grab a glass of water from the fridge, trudge up the stairs into your bedroom, and flop on your bed. You pass out again nearly instantly.

When you wake up again, the sun is glaring into your window, and you groan. You roll over and pull the covers over your head. Fuck the sun today. You grab your phone from your nightstand, and notice it’s almost 1pm, the fuck? Why the fuck did you sleep so long? You look at all your notifications, and pretend that you’re not looking for a specific one from someone.

Spinel still hasn’t texted you back, and STILL hasn’t seen any of the messages you’ve sent her. You are starting to panic a little, so you shoot Steven a message.

Y/N: She hasn’t said anything to me at all, has she answered you?

You message your dad and friends back while waiting a few minutes for Steven to reply. It takes him a few minutes to get back to you while you're laying in bed.

Steven: Her phone is still off, and she hasn't replied to anything I've sent her. I'm gonna ask Lapis to check up on her since they live in the same building. I'll get back to you when I get an answer.

It's been like twenty hours since you've seen her, and you're worried. There's no point moping around though, so you get up and get dressed for the day. You make and eat breakfast, even if you don't normally. You need a distraction from your thoughts, so you give your dad a call to check up on him, and ask him when he's coming home this week. He talks to you about his long days in meetings after meetings, the silly shit he got up to with a coworker last night after drinking, and the new hobby he's thinking of picking up when he gets back home. You guys talk for a long while, and maybe it's something you really needed, because you momentarily forget about what you were so worried with in the first place, until your phone buzzes. It's ringing actually, and your phone screen lights up with Steven's name. You tell your dad you've got to go to take this other call, and answer Steven. You sit there, phone in hand for a moment, before putting it to your ear.

"Y/N?" You hear him ask, although a bit muffled.

"Yeah. Anything?" You reply, trying to keep the nervousness out of your voice.

"She's uh.. She's on homeworld with the Diamonds right now? Maybe they worked something out with whatever event they were planning." He says into the receiver, completely casual like this is no big deal. Like that answer didn't just shatter your morale.

"Hm, okay. I appreciate you telling me this." You want to hang up and cry.

"Why didn't Spinel tell you she was going? I mean, she doesn't need to let me know since I go back to homeworld frequently.. are you guys okay?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhh." You say, unable to form an answer that isn't too revealing. "I'm not sure. But I'll let you know if anything changes."

"You know you can talk to me, right?" He says, gently. You appreciate that he cares, but it's best if he doesn't interfere.

"I know. Thank you, Steven." You reply, holding back any emotion that will give you away.

"I'll talk to you soon, okay? See you, Y/N." You say goodbye as well, and hang up.

You sit at your dining table for several solid minutes without moving, staring blankly at your phone, mind swirling with thoughts.

Okay. Alright. You can do this.

You refuse to cry, and you pinch your arm to get the prickling feeling away from the edges of your eyes. Fuck. Okay.

So she just.. left. She left, when she was fighting with the Diamonds literally yesterday about something awful they said to her, so awful that she had an emotional breakdown over it, and couldn't even TALK about it with you afterwards.

She left for homeworld to escape you.

You, specifically.

Because of a misunderstanding.

You probably sit there for a good twenty minutes absorbing everything, weighing the gravity of the situation. Afterwards, you get up and distract yourself with chores. You refuse to put any more thought into this, and just figure you'll wait.

At around 6pm, Alex comes over, and the two of you play Minecraft for the rest of the night, and he pointedly doesn't ask about Spinel at all. You're thankful that he's here in person, for once, because you don't know what kind of stupid shit you'd do without him here.

He spends the night and crashes on your couch, and you lay awake for most of the night, restless.

When you wake up, Alex has coffee and oatmeal ready for you, which is pretty funny because he never makes food. He's usually awful at it. He's sitting at the table sipping his coffee and drawing in his sketchbook, and he looks up when you make your presence known.

"Wow, you kinda look like shit my guy." He says, taking another sip of his coffee, and setting the mug down.

"Thanks. Had insomnia pretty bad last night.." You trail off and move to grab a mug from the cabinet and pour yourself some coffee. It's a black coffee only kind of day.

You sit down on the opposite side from him, and slowly drink your coffee. It smells good. You're worried Spinel hates you and never wants to see you again. You pull the bowl of oatmeal towards you and take a bite of lukewarm mush.

"This is kind of awful but thanks." You say as you shovel more into your mouth, and consider adding more brown sugar to this.

"I ain't no Gordon Ramsay, but I try." He doesn't look at you as he shades the back leg of the deer he's sketching. You watch him bite his tongue in concentration, and you take another sip of coffee. It's kind of burnt tasting, but whatever. You've had worse. "What do you want to do today, anyway?"

"Mmm." You eat another bite of oatmeal. "Can you please pick? Cuz I'm kinda braindead right now and I don't really feel like concentrating." He looks at you with mild concern.

"Last time I got to pick, you banned me from picking out what we do for a solid year." He furrows his eyebrows, twisting his pencil in hand.

"Yeah, well.. I don't really care right now." You shovel more food into your mouth.

"Fine. You said so, okayyyy, so no complaining later." He rolls his eyes and huffs, pencil scratching against the paper. Your phone buzzes several times on the table, and you reluctantly grab it. One message from dad, and.. two from Steven. You open up Steven’s messages first.

Steven: What did you do?

Steven: She doesn't want to come home.

Your stomach feels like lead. Alex notices you immediately.

"Uh. What's wrong?" He asks, leaning over. You tilt your phone away from him and you can feel the tears coming. You swallow, trying to get your face to cooperate.

“Um..” You feel your voice wavering, so you take a steadying breath. Looking down at your phone again, you struggle to form any kind of coherent words at all. You push your phone over to Alex, he reads what's on your screen, and looks back over to you with a serious face.

“For real? Are you kidding me?” He says, and you can hear the frustration in his voice. “I’m gonna give her a piece of my mind.”

“No,” The words finally find you. “Let me deal with this, please.” You give him a half hearted smile, and pull your phone back to yourself. With shaky hands, you text Steven back.

Y/N: Listen, I didn’t do anything, but..

Y/N: I’d prefer to get this sorted with her in person.

Y/N: I don’t want to play the messenger game

Y/N: I want her to hear it from me.

You don’t have to wait too long for his reply.

Steven: Okay well, I don’t know how well that’s going to work

Steven: Considering she refuses to talk to me about any of it

Steven: Let me know if you end up wanting me to do anything?

Steven: And I’ll message you if anything happens on my end.

Y/N: I appreciate that. Thanks.

You sigh and look up at Alex, who’s watching you with his chin in hand, leaning on the table.

“Anything?” He inquires.

“Nothing.” You say.

“Well, let me clean up the mess I made and let's go out. Mom let me have the car today, so we can go wherever. You said I can choose and no take-backsies, just give me a few minutes, alright?” He stands up and takes the both of your plates to the kitchen, and you watch him for a moment before deciding to get up and get dressed.

You head up to your bedroom and open your closet, rummaging around for something cozy. You grab a soft long sleeve shirt, and sweatpants, because who gives a fuck honestly. You’re looking inbetween all your sweaters for your favorite one that you’d like to wear today, before realizing that Spinel still has it. Instantly, your eyes fill with tears at the reminder, and you let yourself cry quietly in frustration where no one can see you.

After a few minutes, you wash your face in the bathroom and get dressed, settling for a different sweater. You take a couple deep breaths, and head downstairs to Alex.

You spend the rest of the day with Alex, and he takes the both of you to Empire City to browse the mall and window shop, and he buys the both of you dinner. You feel like he’s being extra sweet to make you feel better and you appreciate him so much for it, but Spinel’s on your mind literally all day and you can’t distract yourself enough. He gives you a big hug after dropping you off at home, and before leaving he makes sure that you’re okay. You’re not, not really, but he helped you not spiral further downwards today.

The next day you only work a half shift, so you get to sleep in and you take full advantage of it. It has now been three days since Spinel disappeared with no word since, and you’re beside yourself with worry. But you can’t let this stop you living your day to day life, so you do what you do best and keep on with your routine.

The fourth day goes quickly as you work a full shift, and you’ve got quite a few things to do before your dad gets home tomorrow. You’re excited to see him, as he’s been gone for nearly three weeks now. The house will be back to normal, and way less lonely.

Your dad comes home the fifth day and you spend the entirety of it with him, and you don’t think about Spinel at all. The both of you go to the movies, and then to the beach to have a relaxing afternoon as family bonding time. When you guys head home, you make him his favorite steak and potatoes and he talks about all of the things he had to do and how much he missed your company while he was gone. You think he notices that your mood has slightly been off today, but he doesn't ask about it.

The sixth day, Steven sends you a text about her still not being home, and you wonder why you even bothered opening the message. At this point you’re no longer despondent, you’re now just frustrated with the growing feeling of anger building inside you.

By the tenth day, you’re rightfully pissed. You gave her more than enough time to get over whatever feelings she felt - and she’s not taking any of your feelings into consideration. She left you to deal with the aftermath of what she assumed to be true, and never even gave you the chance to explain yourself. You haven’t sent her a text since that last one you sent over a week ago, and you think you’ll send her one more.

Y/N: Whenever (or IF, I guess) you decide to pop back in on earth, I’d like to have a chat. :)

Steven hasn’t said anything much in the last week, either. You kind of feel like he’s avoiding you because of this, but it doesn’t matter now. If she never wants to come back, that’s on her.

Two more days go by - pretty uneventfully. You spend most of your time at work, or playing minecraft with Alex and the occasional Harper when she’s actually in a motel versus camping. The two of them haven’t asked about Spinel at all - and you know they’ve talked about it extensively in private. You’re secretly relieved that you don’t have to talk about her, though.

Two weeks pass, and you give up entirely. Life goes on.

One of these late afternoons you’re lying in bed after work and texting your friends, and for a moment you think about shooting Spinel a last message. You don’t think she’ll come back to earth at this point, but you want your sweater back if she ever visits. You swipe over to your chat with her to let her know this, and your eyes glance at the ‘seen’ icon at the bottom, timestamp dated nearly 36 hours ago.

Huh.

Wait. What the fuck.

You sit there for a moment, frozen in shock. Shock that quickly turns into boiling anger, and you find yourself texting Steven faster than you realize.

Y/N: So she comes back and you say nothing, yeah?

Y/N: Remind me to not do you any favors for a while.

Eyes stinging, you go back over to shoot Spinel an angry message, but before you can even type out half a sentence, Steven rapidly texts you back.

Steven: Hold on for a second, okay?

Steven: Let me explain something.

You don’t really care at this point.

Y/N: nah man.

You get up from bed, pocket your phone, and waltz downstairs. You put on a sweater, toe on the nearest flip flops, and head out the front door. Dad’s at work currently, so you lock the door and head over to little homeworld. You walk briskly over to the bar you met Spinel at, and after a small hold up with the bouncer, head in and move directly to the counter, facing Bismuth.

“Hey Bis,” You say to her, and she glances over to you from her current patron, and smiles at you.

“Y/N! It’s been a minute. How’ve you been?” She replies, facing you.

“I’ve been alright,” You lean a bit over the bar. “I actually just have a question, if you don’t mind.” Bismuth looks at you inquisitively, and you continue. “What’s Spinel’s address? She never gave it to me.” You smile sweetly at her.

“Hold on, let me get a pen and some paper.” She says as she sets down her glass, and grabs a pen and some receipt paper from the register. You watch her scribble something down, and she hands it to you.

“Bis, I ever tell you that you’re the best?” You take the piece of paper from her hand.

“Only once,” She grins. “But I could stand to hear it again.” You laugh at that, and pocket the note.

“Thanks for this. I’ll pay you back later, promise.” You wink at her, and turn to leave. You hear her chuckle and pick the glass back up from the counter.

“I’ll keep you to that!” You hear as you leave the building, pulling out the note again to glance at the address.

It’s over a mile away, and you figure now or never, and walk towards the general direction of her place. You try and fail on calming your nerves on the near 30 minute walk, and by the time you get to her apartment building, you’ve worked yourself up into a whirlwind of emotions. Also you’ve pointedly ignored your phone this entire time, and you’re pretty sure you’ve missed 5 calls and dozens of texts, but you knew that if you looked at any of it, you’d lose face and chicken out.

Spinel’s apartment is on the 9th floor, and you marvel at the technology side of the building for a bit. These gems really knew how to build stuff. You take the elevator up, and once you’re on the floor, you take a sharp left to the odd numbers side of the building. You reach her door and stop, almost touching the frame to knock on it. Although it’s pretty quiet in the building, you can hear a faint voice, or voices, coming from inside her apartment if you listen closely enough.

You take a deep breath, and let it out. You take another three, and consider leaving altogether. You steel your nerves, lift your arm, and knock on her door frame twice.

You think you hear the voice quiet down as you stand there, waiting. Several seconds go by, and you can hear your own heartbeats.

For a sec you think that she won’t come to the door, but after a few more moments you hear quiet movement towards the door you’re standing in front of. You make a point to step to the side, so whoever is answering the door can’t see who’s standing there through the peephole.

Very slowly, you see the door handle turn, and the door swinging open several inches. You watch Spinel peek her head out the door, her phone in her hand, and turn to make direct eye contact with you. She freezes instantaneously, like she expected it to be anyone else other than you standing there.

Her hair is in a messy bun, and your eyes trail down to notice that she’s wearing your sweater.

This pisses you off immediately.

#spinel #spinel x reader #spinel su #spinel self insert #steven universe #my fic #devils ballroom

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oxsix · 5 years

Text

How a home is made

Kitty builds a family; step by step. In which bonds are forged over cups of tea.

AO3 link

Just a fluffy drabble about KHoward being loved, because she deserves it

Kitty is timid at first. They all are, in a way, when they first move in together. After all, they've only really known each other for a few weeks, and some of them aren't on the best of terms.

It was an awful idea, really, for them to all live together. But the money is running out, and the people who'd brought them back can't afford to keep renting them all separate places. And so, here they are, in a relatively small, six bedroom house outside of London.

And Kitty isn't really sure where she stands. She hadn't known most of them the first time, not even her own cousin, and she doesn't want to get herself caught up in the middle of the other women's disagreements.

- - -

Anna, surprisingly, is exactly the same as she has always been. She's a bright spot in Kitty's darker days, and she always seems to know when she's at her lowest. She's there for Kitty in those times, with kind words, whispered affirmations and jokes that always seem to catch Kitty off-guard, no matter how prepared she thinks she is.

And it's perfect, in it's way; it's hard to keep crying when Anna is around. Kitty is grateful, beyond what words could express, for her old friend. She worries, though, that she relies too much on Anna's support; that she might be a drain on her friends happiness. But every time, Anna reassures her that it's okay, that this is what friends are for.

Still, it's this that drives Kitty to interact with the others. At the very least, she doesn't want to be attached to Anna at all times.

- - -

While Anna and Cathy had had a little tension between them when they'd first come back, they'd quickly settled and forgotten their differences. Both were fairly civil with each other, anyhow, and they were the first of then to really form a friendship, outside of Kitty and Anna.

They spend a lot of quieter moments together—reading peacefully, or avidly discussing the intricacies of the modern world and their new findings.

The two of them are also the ones Kitty feels most comfortable around, in the beginning. Anna is an old friend, of course. But Parr is surprisingly easy for her to be around, too.

She has quite a gentle presence, and always greets Kitty pleasantly, talking idly about her latest areas of interest. She's kind, and open, and always makes conversation with Kitty, but Kitty doesn't feel any pressure to keep them going. The ebb and flow of their discussions feels comfortable. Parr was the sort of person who was happy to spend time with her, without expecting anything from her.

On warmer mornings, the two of them sit outside with their cups of tea, and watch the birds. They're generally up last, Kitty thanks to her nightmares, and Cathy because of her tendency to become entirely absorbed in her work.

Kitty likes this new friendship. She likes their quiet, laid-back familiarity. She likes being able to spend time with someone who isn't asking for anything in return. She'd had enough of that the first time.

- - -

It takes a lot longer for Kitty to get closer to the others though. Unsurprisingly, her cousin is the first of the three to let Kitty in.

It happens when Kitty hears quiet, muffled sobs from Anne's room late at night. She's panicking, Kitty can tell—tell she's been there plenty times before. She stands on the other side of the door, wondering if it would be an invasion of Anne's privacy to enter.

When she hears Anne let out a particularly heart-wrenching whimper in her sleep, she makes up her mind. She slowly opens the door, and moves to the side of the bed. Gently, she shakes her estranged cousin awake.

Her eyes are wide: confused and frightened. She looks disorientated and startled by Kitty's presence. Once she gets her bearings, she looks upset.

"What are you doing here?" She asks, uncomfortable at being seen in such a vulnerable moment.

"Sorry, I just.. well, I heard you and thought you must be having a nightmare, and–it's just," she doesn't know what to say; she only wanted to help, but she hardly knows Anne. "I get them, too. I know what it's like, so I thought... you might like some company?"

Anne looks at her then, softly. She doesn't say anything.

She moves over, and gestures for Kitty to lie with her. She does, and Anne rests her head on her younger cousins shoulder. She sniffles quietly, and Kitty absent-mindedly runs her hands through the other girl's hair, as Anna often does when she needs comforting.

They stay like that, until they both fall asleep. Neither of them says anything—they don't need to. The quiet speaks for them.

They fall into a routine after this. When one of them had a nightmare, or can't sleep for memories of apathetic crowds and sharp blades–they go to the other's room, and they spend the night together, soothed by the knowledge that their pain is shared, and understood.

- - -

Jane is next, and it's surprising how close the two of them become. She's cold at first, distant from everyone.

Kitty doesn't see her much at all, only hears her during her heated arguments with Anna. They aren't as common as Anne's arguments with Catalina; the two of them lean more towards cold, barbed words and avoidance than fiery debate. But, when they do erupt, well—it's a lot.

The rest of the house tends to stay out of their way on these bad days—both women are full of hell after their conflicts.

It's on one of these days that Kitty first understands who Jane really is. The argument that morning—prompted by a disagreement about the usage of milk—had been particularly vitriolic, and both women had said things that they would one day regret. Things that hit a little too close to home.

A few minutes after the yelling stops, Kitty goes to the kitchen to make herself some breakfast, only to find Jane still there, standing stock-still, a mug held firmly in her grip. Her breathing is heavy and she is staring fixedly out of the window, at nothing in particular. Kitty moves closer, and coughs gently to make her presence known.

Jane startles at this, jolting suddenly. The mug falls from her hand and clatters into the sink, shattering. Jane only panics more. Her eyes are wild with fear. She looks like she's afraid for her life, and Kitty doesn't thinks she's quite here with her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," the older woman repeats, over and over until her voice devolves into sobs. Kitty gently puts a hand on her back. She asks what's wrong.

Jane doesn't answer, and she doesn't need to. Kitty understands. Jane's relationship with Henry hadn't been perfect, either. Even the one he'd supposedly loved had suffered because of him. And that fear had followed Jane into this life, just like it had Kitty.

So Kitty sits with her, until the tears subside.

The next night, as usual, Kitty is woken by a nightmare. But this time, when she wakes, clutching at her throat, she feels a weight settle gently at the end of her bed. She expects it to be Anne.

It isn't. Jane takes Kitty into her arms and lies with her. She hums softly, as Kitty's panic dissipates.

And in her arms, Kitty feels safer than she has felt for a long time. Nobody has held her like this since her mother died. It's something Kitty hadn't realised she was missing.

She feels protected, and valued. She feels like a kid again. And it's a relief. She never really had the chance, last time.

Kitty falls asleep there, and she and Jane quickly become like a real mother and daughter.

And it works. After all, Jane had missed out on her chance to be a mother last time, and Kitty had missed out on the chance to have one. This time, neither of them were going to miss their chance.

Kitty is grateful for Jane, even if Anne resents their bond at first.

- - -

The final piece of the puzzle takes even longer to fall into place.

Catalina scares Kitty, at first. She's aloof, dignified—every bit a Queen. And she's real royalty, not like Katherine.

As much as the first queen makes her feelings about Anne widely known, she keeps most things to herself. She's extremely distant with Kitty, and she isn't sure how she should interact with her.

They've barely said two words to each other, outside of "hello" and "good morning." Kitty has seen her have short, pleasant conversations with Jane, but even they are fairly formal.

The only person she's seen Catalina be genuinely open with is Cathy. She tries to keep this hidden too, but Kitty has seen the soft smile she deserves for her God daughter, as well as the way she always seems to have a coffee made for the younger woman when she finally resurfaces from her bedroom at midday.

It's wordless, and subtle. But Kitty sees it.

The date Kitty comes to understand Aragon is the 18th of February, and Kitty doesn't know, at the time, why this is significant. But, that morning, Catalina is even more withdrawn than usual. She doesn't say good morning, doesn't speak to Jane, and when Cathy comes down, there's no coffee waiting for her. She gives Kitty an enquiring look as she makes a mug for herself. Kitty shrugs, and leave the room with the two mugs of tea she has made.

She finds Aragon outside. Definitely not dressed appropriately for the cold weather, and clutching a mug of coffee—which must have gone cold by now—so tightly that her knuckles are white.

As Kitty approaches, Catalina doesn't look at her. That's when Kitty notices the tear tracks down her face. She says nothing, only hands the other woman a hot cup of tea, and a throw she'd taken from the living room.

Silently, Aragon accepts them. She looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn't.

A few days later, Kitty is up uncharacteristically early in the morning. She'd woken from a nightmare and hadn't managed to get back to sleep.

It's about 5am, and when she gets downstairs, she finds Catalina alone in the kitchen, in her dressing gown.

"You're up early." She remarks.

"Bad dream" Kitty replies. It's the most they've ever spoken at once.

Aragon places a mug of tea in front of her, then sits across the table.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

The question takes Kitty by surprise, and it's all she needs to say. Words spill from Kitty's mouth, and she isn't sure at which point she starts crying.

She bares her soul, and Catalina sits quietly, listening. Eventually, she moves around the table, and Kitty's head is on her shoulder as she cries.

Her hand moves softly through Kitty's hair, gently working it's way through every tangle in her bed-head.

It's comforting, and Kitty remembers that Catalina has done this before. Her own daughter had been around Kitty's age when they'd last seen each other.

Again, Kitty sees silent tears well in the other woman's eyes, and she realises that Aragon needs this just as much as she does. She understands why she has been so gentle with Parr, and so eager to speak with Jane.

She's clutching to anything that might remind her of Mary. Yesterday was her birthday. Aragon missed her daughter, but she couldn't say it.

And Kitty understood, now, why it had taken her song to open up.

She smiles softly at Catalina, who sniffles and wipes her eyes.

"Never speak of this again," she says, with what Kitty thinks is supposed to be a wink.

"I won't," she giggles, and winks back. "Promise."

And, while she's not good at saying it, Kitty knows that she cares for her.

- - -

And this is how Kitty's family begins.

Over time, the shouting matches cease. Arguments die, old enemies reconcile. It takes time, and no small amount of effort on Kitty’s part, but her family becomes a unit.

Tearful confessions and overdue apologies lead to deeper understanding between them all, and little by little, they grow closer.

Finally, Kitty has the family she never had back then, and she loves them more than anything.

#six the musical fanfic #six fanfiction #six the musical #katherine howard #anna von kleve #catherine parr #anne boleyn #jane seymour #catherine of aragon

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halcyonnhood · 5 years

Text

9 Crimes [Ashton Irwin]

Summary: Ashton loves Alexandria and his mistakes are eating him alive.

Word Count: 1.2k. Short and not so sweet.

Rating: PG-13 (?)

Warnings: Angst!!! Cheating.

Authors Note: Do I just naturally love Angsty things? Maybe so. I got tired of reading imagines about the boys cheating and all of them being exactly the same. So, here we are. 9 Crimes by Damien Rice, inspired this, especially Tyler Josephs cover. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quadA5aFS6U

This is currently unedited!!

Please be sure to leave feedbacks and comments. I may do a part two sometime.

All relationships are difficult, at least that’s what Alexandria tells herself on a daily basis. In reality, she doesn’t want to admit that her relationship with Ashton is any different in comparison to others. With Ash being in a band though, that tends to complicate their romantic life. Most couples work a nine to five job and come home to each other, not go on tour for nine months straight. She can say that she’s in love with him with no hesitation. The distance only makes her long for him, not weaken her love and admiration for the man.

With that being said, Ashton being on tour will always make his girlfriend question everything. He’s constantly surrounded by girls and temptation, it makes Alexandria wonder if he’ll find someone new. Will he fall in love with another girl? Will he find someone who is prettier, nicer, or better? The questions are enough to make anyone nervous. Alexandria is optimistic though, she knows that she loves Ashton and he loves her. That’s all there needs to be to make the relationship survive.

Ashton loves Alexandria with every ounce of his beating heart and anyone who knows him can see that. His face lights up at the sound of her name and passion is etched across his features when he rambles on about her, he hasn’t ever felt this way towards anyone. Ashton swears he loves Andria, but the blonde that was sitting across from him in the bar wasn’t his girlfriend. He knows that he’s in the wrong, he shouldn’t have even been talking to the girl in the first place. He shouldn't have invited her to his hotel room. And he KNOWS it’s the wrong time and place to be thinking about Andria.

The blonde hair isn’t anything like Alexandria’s brunette style, the obnoxious noises are unrivaled to his favorite breathy whimpers, and nothing compares to her soft touch. What trips him up is the same soft emerald eyes, they remind him of the love of his life and he’s too far gone to recover from this lap in judgement. Ashton doesn’t do this, he doesn’t hurt the people he loves and he doesn’t cheat. This isn’t who he is. The girl is pulling him back into reality though, her hands tugging on his hair, those green eyes drawing him closer, and he already knows the crime that he’s committed.

Alexandria is growing sleepy and Ashton is already an hour late for their phone call, so she calls him in hopes that he hadn’t fallen asleep due to the time difference. It rings for what feels like an eternity and she assumes that he must’ve fallen asleep after the show, but then the ringing abruptly stops.

“Hello?”

Alexandria’s heart sinks from her chest all the way to her feet at the sound of a girls voice instead of Ashton’s loving tone. If she wanted to be optimistic, she could assume that it was Luke or Michael's girlfriends getting it while the boys are drunk -it’s happened more than once- but she knows that isn’t the case tonight. It isn’t familiar and she doesn’t hear the loud boys in the background.

“Where’s Ashton?” Alexandria questions.

“He’s in the shower” The girls voice is disgustingly sweet, “But I can tell him you called”

“Don’t” Her tone is soft but vehement. “Have a good night”

She doesn’t want to believe it, Ashton would never do this to her. He would never do something that would hurt her so badly and she knows he loves her too much to cheat. But there is no other explanation for him to be an hour late and to have a strange girl pick up his phone. Her heart breaks at the thought, along with any bit of optimism she had left. She just couldn’t wrap her mind around him doing this to her. It just isn’t Ashton.

Alexandria spends the rest of her night in the living room with the lights off as she stares at the wall silently. It doesn’t matter how long blinks at the off white wall, it doesn’t do anything to ease her racing mind, if anything it makes her think more. What does she look like? Was it because she couldn’t provide sex while he was on the road? How long has this been happening? Then it hits her like a ton of bricks on her chest, what if he never loved her at all? It’s all too much for her foggy mind to comprehend, the doorbell ringing being the only thing that draws her out of her daze and making her realize that it’s 5am. It’s 5am and the doorbell is ringing. When she finds her way to the door in the dark and pulls it open, she discovers Ashton waiting on her doorstep, his hair a mess and dark circles under his eyes.

“Hey” She whispers, startled to say the least.

“Hey” Ashton voice is merely a sigh.

“You..” She hesitates, looking down towards the ground. “Came home”

“I came home,” He breathes out nervously. “You called and a girl answered my phone”

“She did.”

“I couldn’t just stay in London and let the guilt eat me alive. I couldn’t deny it” Ashton explains. “Andria, I slept with her”

“I know,” Alexandria exhales the breath that she was holding. “I figured that much out.”

The two stand in the dark doorway and she finally takes in his features for the first time during the encounter. Ashton looks rough. His hair is sticking up in every direction, his face is red and blotchy, and his eyes are puffy. She knows that he had to have been crying pretty hard recently, it’s the only time that his skin ever gets that red and irritated. When she looks back into his teary eyes, she can tell that he’s genuinely upset with himself.

Ashton watches her carefully, her pained expression enough to draw tears once more and he cannot believe he hurt someone he loves. Alexandria is so kind, loving, passionate, optimistic, faithful, and stunning. She doesn't deserve this kind of treatment. Not from him, not from anyone. How could he do this to her? Andria deserves the world and that isn’t him.

“I slept with her and all I could think about was you,” Ashton looks into her soft green eyes and it nearly shatters him. “I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I’m not going to sit here and lie. I won’t say I was lonely or needy, I won’t try to make up some kind of reasoning. I have no excuse”

“How long have you been doing this?” Alexandria questions, her voice cracking as tears roll down her cheeks.

“This is the only time” Ashton looks away to avoid seeing her pain. “I-I made the worst mistake of my life, Andria”

“Why are you here, Ash?” She mumbles.

“I had to tell you.” He meets her gaze again, his tears matching her own. “I wanted you to hear it from me. I have no excuse and I don’t want you to forgive me. I hate myself for hurting you.”

“I think you need to leave for now,” She inhales sharply. “I can’t handle this.”

Ashton takes in the sight of the short girl with tears in her eyes, a runny nose, and hurt expression taking over her features. He just watches her for a moment, realizing this might be the last time he ever sees the love of his life.

“I do love you, Alexandria.” Ashton whispers.

“I love you too, Ashton.” She tells him carefully, then shuts the door.

Ashton stares at the door for a moment longer, with only one thought running through his mind.

I shouldn’t have done this to her.

#5sos #ashton irwin #ashton irwin fanfiction #ashton irwin fanfic #ashton irwin imagine #ashton irwin blurb #ashton irwin angst #luke hemmings #michael clifford #calum hood #5 seconds of summer #5sos fanfiction #5sos angst #5sos blurb #ashton 5sos #calum 5sos #luke 5sos #michael 5sos

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anicegaykid · 6 years

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who dis?

#firstpost seems more daunting than it needs to be. Got myself all creative blocked up so here is a little diddy to get to know me better..

Are you named after anyone?

I am actually named after Jessica Wakefield from Sweet Valley High

When was the last time you cried?

tbh, I tend to flip from emotionless to SUPER emotional like 0-60. Sometimes no response, sometimes (like this afternoon) I see a beautiful pond surrounded in nature, being natural and beautiful, water sparkling in the sunshine and the tears just roll.

Do you have kids? If no, how many do you want?

No kids atm, but a couple kiddos would be nice in the near future

If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?

..like.. what.. ? am I just like a duplicate of me? Like am I the same person I am now and would I be friends with someone JUST like me? Or am I someone else? Who am I? Like, I enjoy spending time on my own?

Bottom line, I like me.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

100%

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

eyes, smile, lips, face bone structure

What is your eye color?

blue, sometimes they get a little grey

Scary movie or happy endings?

BOTH.

Favorite smells?

Citrus, patchouli, cut grass, peaches and strawberries

Do you have any special talents?

Talents include: fantastic with horses, very good dog mom, I can cook frozen pizzas to perfection -- if I don’t get distracted, designing queer tees, i can roll a pretty decent j, solid problem solver, got some wit and can be funny.

Where were you born?

Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, Canada

What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in it?

Leo; I mean it IS surprisingly accurate like all the time.

What are your hobbies?

I am kind of in between hobbies right now.. I dabble in some things. I go to the gym like more than average, but I would like to go more - said everyone ever. I’d like to hike more, camp more, build more things out of pallets, you know.. the usual

Do you have any siblings?

I have a 21 year old brother and a 14 year old sister.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Life is pretty great tbh, I’d like to continue being happy with my little fam

Who was your first best friend?

My first best friend would have to be my cousin, Brittany. Like a sister.

How tall are you?

5′6″

What is the least favourite thing about yourself?

I wish I was a lot better at expressing how I feel.

Things that still bother me - my wife and I had a discussion about proposals and who would ask who. We landed on me asking her, which I did and am SO happy about, but the reason behind it being that I am so poor at expressing emotions that she was afraid it would affect her confidence in my response.

For a first TMI moment of the blog, I have so much anxiety in my ability to express myself that I can’t even manage to make any “noise” during sex. Doesn’t even matter that I am my most comfortable self with her, STILL struggle. A work in progress for me I guess.

Funniest moment throughout School?

There was a time when we were at a beach party when I was 17, the RCMP showed up to break it up and snag any and all intoxicated minors they could. The tide had recently come in, but where we were was a little dip in the side of the cliff so the path back to the road was water-covered. So someone peeks around the cliff to see the two Mounties wading through the water. This party crew are country-folk and are 100% ready for this situation with a wooden ladder that leads up the side of the cliff into a field close to where all the vehicles are parked. As party-goers are running through the field to cars, someone shouts, “PIT PARTY” and everyone heads towards the local Pit. Along the way someone with a truck steals a round bale from a field and uses it to create the BIGGEST bonfire I’ve ever seen.

How many countries have you visited?

like ~10

What was your favourite/worst subject in High School?

I struggled with math but funny enough my career path has led me to a life in the casino so I do math daily and enjoy it very much!

My favourite courses in High School were Conservation and Agricultural Science.

What is your Favourite drink? Animal? Perfume?

Coke Zero Cherry

Horse

Karma by Lush

What would you (or have you) name your children?

I really like Posy, Daisy, Freddie and Loren

What Sports do you play/Have you played?

I used to Figure Skate, Horseback Ride, Ringette

Who are some of your favourite YouTubers?

I’ve always been a Grace Helbig, Mamrie Hart, Hannah Hart fan

I like Phil DeFranco for news, Pewds for some lulz, love me some Tyler Oakley, Whitney Simmons and Chloe Ting to work the booty, Vox for learning, FunForLouis has some BEAUTIFUL imagery and plays to the traveler side of me and I recently discovered Will Smith’s channel and cannot get enough!

How many Girlfriends/Boyfriends have you had?

I have had an unsettling amount of bfs for a lesbian, but 2 of them really stand out as being genuinely decent guys and I would still hang out with, platonically, to this day.

I have had a grand total of 4 gfs, I married the fourth bc I got LUCKY AS HECK!

Favourite memory from childhood?

The day I got my first puppy.

One time I was gifted a horse for Christmas bc my Dad felt so bad that I had to have my first pony put down earlier that year.

I also was old enough to remember both my siblings being born!

How would you describe your fashion sense?

tom boy hyper femme

What phone do you have? (iOS v Android?)

iPhone6s

Tell us one of your bad habits!

I bite my nails and chew my cuticles

3 things that upset you?

inequality

excessive force

did I say inequality?

3 things that make you happy?

Olivia

My animals

family

How is your relationship with parents?

My Mom is one of my best friends in this world! My Dad is an odd case, he struggles with my sexuality, I understand that it is because of where and when he grew up, he is never outwardly rude or mean to me, he’s a quiet country guy, he was at our wedding, he gave me away with my Mom, he’s kind to Olivia, he’s kind to me, he doesn’t understand but recognizes that it is real. I love my Dad, I really do. I’m proud of my Mom for educating him and ensuring that he is present and polite. I get frustrated from time to time and I have cried a lot of tears about it. Our relationship can be strange but at the same time hasn’t changed. He’s been a great Dad and he’ll be a fantastic Grampy. I have to check myself because there are people who are much worse off than me. I get jealous of Olivia sometimes because her Dad is so sweet to her and treats me like a daughter so easily, but my Dad has never been the soft spoken lovey type. We’ve hugged twice in my life. One of them was when I was leaving for England with a one way ticket and no foreseeable return plans and one was when he was jokingly blocking my path and I used it as a disarming mechanism to scoot through.

What’s on your mind?

All I can think about today is the fact that I became an aunt at 5AM this morning and I’m going to see his later this afternoon. I SO excited!

What’s your talent?

troubleshooting queen.

naturally creative to my own surprise.

One word that describes you?

patient

What’s your favourite quotes?

No Pride for some of us without liberation for all of us . Marsha P Johnson

We way too fly to partake in all this hate, we out here vibin’ . Ariana Grande

Any pets?

4 dogs:

Finnley - Great PyreneesXAustralian Shepard

Effie - Border CollieX

Shiro - DacshundXMiniature Australian Shepard

Moose - Great PyreneesXFinnley

2 Cats:

Priya - long haired tabby, kinda sorta Ragdoll’esque

Punkin - short haired orange tabby with a poofy tail

2 Beta Fishies:

King Push & Todd

What is the farthest you’ve been from home?

I lived in England for 2 years & travelled Europe for a month

Are you an extrovert or introvert?

I think TECHNICALLY an introvert? I can be v extroverted but I really need time to recharge. Recharging for me is being home with my comforts. My wifey, doggos, snacks and Netflix.

Are you left or right handed?

Right hander

Do you consider yourself a good cook?

Like.. sort of? I don’t cook much but when I do I always surprise myself with how well I do lol

Does your name have a special meaning?

It means my Mother was 18 when she had me and REALLY liked Sweet Valley High

If money were no object what would you get for your next birthday?

2 weeks away from home/work, road trip to Halifax for the fertility clinic, get started on a baby and then fly off to one of those tropical cabins on the water.

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

I would love to have a few homes! A winter getaway BC. A condo in Halifax, NS and a cute little hobby farm here in PEI in some rolling hills somewhere in between Kensington and Charlottetown.

What’s your favourite thing to have for breakfast?

I love chocolate chip waffles/pancakes, French style pastry breakfast, and when I’m feeling fab, some eggs benny on smoked salmon with a couple mimosas on the side.

What’s your favourite gadget?

I just got a Fitbit so thats been pretty exciting, aside from that, my phone is on me at like all times.

What’s your longest relationship so far?

My current one. We’re about to hit 4 years together, married for a little over a month.

#blog #firstblogpost #me #gettoknowme #photoset

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clemandbensdad · 3 years

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So, let's talk about Ben.

Ben is currently six and a half.

He is a little boy with a lovely smile. He has a genuinely pure, kind heart. He has a lot of love in that heart; he loves his family, and adores his big sister.

He loves Thomas the Tank engine, Blaze and the Monster Machines, Dora the Explorer. He particularly loves anything to do with vehicles or numbers; a show called numberblocks is a big favourite.

He loves numbers and maths. He can count very high; he can recite times tables songs. He recognises numbers everywhere and is fascinated by them.

He loves having his family around him. His sister likes to get up late on weekends, but he cannot feel content until she is around him. If he is ever told off for being naughty, he cries for his sister to come and hug him. On the rare occasions he has accidentally hurt her, he gets incredibly upset and comes to give her a hug.

He loves his Nana and will incessently ask "Kiki's house?" Because he wants to go there.

When you hit on something he wants, and he has successfully communicated his wants, he says "yessss". I cannot possibly get across in written words how satisfying it is to hear my son say his "yesss". The way he says it goes well beyond a mere word. The way he says it goes beyond cute. I can't describe it, but I would go to great lengths to get a "yessss" from Ben.

He loves physical things. He adores playing in water. He loves slides and climbing and running.

Ben smiles, he laughs and he sings all the time. He will randomly hug his "nonny" and me. When I come home from work, I hear "daddy!!!" And he comes to hug me..

But there are challenges.

Ben is severely autistic and has ADHD.

He is doubly incontinent and still wears nappies (you may tell from my wording that we are a UK family).

Ben has been limited speech and communication. He can make basic needs known ("drink, please, Daddy") and he can recite certain stock phrases he has learned from TV ("Awww, I'll never get my playground now"). The most difficult aspect of being Ben's dad is when he cannot communicate; when he gets really upset about something but he just can't make us understand what is wrong or how we can help him. These times are heartbreaking.

Ben is hyposensitive. Not everyone realises that autistic people can be hyper sensitive, hypo sensitive or a combination of both. If you are not that familiar with autism, your idea of it may be people who find noise, touch, etc very difficult. They are likely to be Hypersensitive.

Ben is the opposite in most senses. His senses are dulled and so he craves sensation. He stims by flapping his arms to create sensations. He squeals all the time (it can be ear splittingly loud) to create noise. His pain threshold his high. He isn't that aware of when he is full, so seeks the sensation of eating all the time. He will sometimes thrash about to create sensation. He sometimes wants to grab hold of us or even bite us. He loves being wrapped up tightly.

The ADHD mean that he switches what he wants to do very quickly. He will generally be doing whatever it is you least want him to do, or the thing that is most dangerous. He's watching TV. No, he's in the kitchen looking for sweets we don't have. Now he's upstairs in his sister's room. Is that a running tap i hear? Yes, he is filling the sink because he loves water. We need to get up there before he floods the bathroom again. Now he has stripped naked and wants to go in a paddling pool at 7pm. Ben, at you pooing? You're not? Ok. YES YOU ARE!!!!

Ben needs to wear reigns whenever we go outside because he will run off into the nearest road or traffic, because he finds it fascinating.

He will want to watch the same episodes of TV shows over and over, and he wants them loud.

He loves food, especially pizza. He doesn't know when he is full and seeks food when he is bored and his ADHD kicks in. He is constantly looking for food and during lockdown we haven't been able to stop him gainign weight. He is overweight now and we feel incredibly bad about it.

Ben sleeps pretty well, but has a tendancy to get up at 5am.

He is well behind developmentally. He did not walk until he was nearly three. He hasn't lost any of his baby teeth yet (and they are really small, I don't know if they means anything).

His squealing and stimming brings some really unpleasant comments from the public sometimes, especially older members

Ben has had 1-1 support at school, but will be starting at a special school in september for children with disabilities and special needs. He will be there until he is 18.

Ben is almost certainly going to need us caring for him for the rest of our lives.

Coming to terms with all of this, especially the last part, is what this blog is all about.

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xseildnasterces · 3 years

Text

power over me.

Okay. Buckle in. It's going to be a long one. Like, a really long one. I am finally beginning to feel some sort of normal after getting my second covid vaccine on Thursday. It’s been a rough few days. My body has just been completely exhausted, constantly aching and in pain and I’ve had zero energy to do anything. As with the first vaccine I never even felt it go in, and so as I was feeling pretty fine once it was done, I went straight to the office. I was lifting and moving boxes around and was having no issues at all. I got home and my arm was starting to ache, but just the normal kind of ache you get with any vaccine, so I assumed I wasn’t going to have the fly symptoms other people had had. But oh my, was I wrong. Later that evening my body just gave up. I was incredibly exhausted, my arm ached worse than any ache I’d ever had, but what’s more, I was also in a huge amount of pain. I could not move my arm even an inch without being in extreme pain – to the point of constantly saying ‘ouch’ out loud to myself. I tried to go to bed early but that didn’t work out. The pain was too much, and I couldn’t sleep at all. I was exhausted, but sleep would not come. I found myself wandering around the apartment in the early hours of the morning trying to cool down because I was burning up and felt like I had a fever. I curled up on the sofa for about an hour as it was cooler in there and eventually dragged myself back into bed at 5am for a few hours sleep before getting up for work. I did zero work all day. I had a morning call with J and C for which I stayed in bed. The call certainly cheered me up. I cannot express how happy those calls make me. I miss the two of them so much and cannot wait to head back to Frankfurt and see them at some point in the hopefully not to distant future. We just laugh so much about everything and I feel very lucky for the relationship I have with them both. I slept a lot of the day, or at least tried to, and lazed around trying to feel somewhat alive which I didn’t. I believe the state I was in was also due to the fact my allergies were awful the day of my vaccine, and I also started my period. Not the best combination. So yeah, I felt horrendous. Yesterday I started to feel a little better, but my body still wasn’t back to normal. I hope today it will be better.

Allergies: before moving to the US I had never had any issues whatsoever with seasonal allergies, yet since moving here I have apparently developed them. Some days I wake up with sore eyes, a running nose that also feels completely congested and just all round feeling a bit shit. I imagine it must be a different type of pollen here that bothers me which we don’t have or have as much of in Europe perhaps. I don’t know. I’m not an expert, but it certainly seems weird that I have developed hay fever since moving here. I spent most of last summer back in the UK so I wonder whether I just didn’t spend enough time here last year to experience the new allergies. This year however will be different, so I guess I better start taking that Claritin!

Periods: Oddly enough, after a few months of no periods whatsoever and starting to panic, things seem to have reached some form of normality. I say some form, as I also had a month when I had two periods within two weeks which really wasn’t great. Regardless, things seem somewhat normal for me anyway. Period pain and cramps seems to have gotten so much worse recently, but more on periods and that later. I have a new major love for period underwear. It’s genuinely one of my best ever purchases and I will never, ever go back to disposable period products. If you want to make your period more bearable, I would wholeheartedly recommend period underwear above anything else!

Work: I had my usual one-to-one meeting at work on Monday, and as always, I was filled with complete and utter anxiety. It was fine and nothing wrong whatsoever. In fact, I actually left feeling really positive which makes a change. I am trying hard to not get too excited or think too much of it as my boss can have one thought one day and say she never said it the following day, but regardless, we were talking about my current task. When I first started in my current job there was an absolutely huge backlog of requests for researchers. I’m talking, requests dating back to 2017, all of which needed to be reviewed, digitised, quality checked, second reviewed and pushed to the catalogue and sent out to researchers. My initial task was to eliminate the backlog. Things were going well, and then the pandemic hit and we had to work from home. Of course, my job is very hands-on. I need to have access to the records to do most of my tasks, and so the backlog got bigger and bigger. Once I was deemed ‘essential staff’, myself and my consultants working on the digitisation were able to go onsite to work on the reference requests. We have been chipping away for months and are making good progress. However, archival reference is not my thing. I do it because I have to, but my love for my job lies in archival processing… something that I was under the impression I was initially hired for. Archival processing and description is my jam! And I cannot wait to do it again. My boss mentioned in my meeting that she felt I was not able to use my skillsets well whilst working on reference and that she did not think I was working to my full ability. I 100% agreed. I could do my current task with my eyes shut. It’s not a challenge, and more than anything it’s a necessity rather than anything else… partly because there is only one of me. One archivist for a whole organisation. And a huge international organisation at that. She discussed with me that her plans were that once the backlog was under control (it will never be complete as requests are a continuous part of our job), I would be working on processing. That is what she wants me to do and it was never her plan for me to be solely on reference. This has purely happened due to my supervisor retiring and the inability of our upper management to hire anyone else in her place (the job advert hasn’t even been sent out yet – so who on earth knows when I will no longer be a lone ranger)… Regardless, I left the meeting feeling a little giddy and happy. Perhaps I won’t be finding myself leaving in October this year after all… but let’s not jump the gun just yet.

ICA – This week we had a three hour(!) meeting from 7am regarding the ICA, the NP programme and everything else related to the current goings-on of the organisation. It was a really great opportunity to sit in on a meeting of many important and influential people in the archive world, and I felt grateful to be there. The topic on the Congress was brought up, and we were told a final decision of whether it will go ahead in October would take place on Friday with the meeting of the ICA Executive Board. As of yet, we have not been informed of the outcome. I’m nervous, and I’m sad and frustrated. I feel like I already know the answer will be that it will either be going ahead virtually or not at all, and I’m just so sad that that will be the case. I have wanted to attend the congress/conference for as long as I can remember in terms of my archival education and career, and to be awarded the chance to go and then have it stripped away from me (or so it feels), because of a bloody pandemic is just infuriating. I understand that there are much worse things going on in the world and I am lucky to even have a job and live somewhere that has enabled me to get the vaccine before many others, but at the end of the day everything is relative and I think I am allowed to be upset and mad about what covid is taking away from me, regardless of this smaller scale. I worked hard for this, like really hard and it would have been a significant and landmark experience in my career.

Therapy – Solo therapy this week led me down a road I have very rarely opened up about to anyone. I guess I always felt that because I was never ‘officially’ diagnosed with an eating disorder, I shouldn’t really say that I have had one. However, as a child, I suffered from anorexia. Other than knowing that I wanted to be skinny and felt that I was fat, I have never delved deeper into why or what caused my eating disorder. I have always believed that part of it was due to being bullied, and the more I explored this with my therapist the more things started to become clearer. I think there were so many things that I got bullied for as a child, being skinny was something that I had control over if I didn’t eat – and that meant I couldn’t be bullied for being fat. It may sound silly for anyone reading this, but I was a child, under 11 and this is how I was thinking. It actually breaks my heart to think of a little girl feeling that way, and then I realise that that little girl is me. I always grew up with an unhealthy relationship with food, something that since moving abroad has changed greatly, and I would now say that my relationship with food is the best it has ever been. There are still ‘wobbles’ and I am still incredibly self-conscious about my weight and how I look. I step on the scales pretty much every day, and the moment I see a pound over what I am expecting I have a meltdown – regardless of whether this is water weight or I’ve just eaten a huge meal or I’m bloated from being on my period. Anyway, opening up and exploring that part of myself felt easier than it has previously, and I felt somewhat comfortable exploring it. The conversation also discussed my childhood in other ways, growing up ‘poor’, my mum learning to read and spell at the same time as I did, and my parents not being able to help me with my homework – regardless of how much they wanted to – because they physically couldn’t. We talked about my dad working in the local factory, and my mum working cleaning jobs and how this affected the way people treated me in school and looked down on me because of it. I expressed that growing up with no money made me strive to not find myself in that position. I do not believe my parent's situation was their fault. I know there is much that I will not discuss here their lives before me that led them to not have much money – the education system at the time being a large part of that, but regardless, none of the reasons that led to their lot in life was their fault. I knew from a young age that I would go to university. I remember being in primary school and telling my parents that I would, and I remember my mums face turning to panic as she told me she didn’t know how I would ever afford to go to university and that they did not have the money to help. At the time, we were not aware of student loans etc. but I knew so young that I was going to get a degree. Determination to succeed was rooted in me so young and my honest aim was not to be ‘rich’ but to be comfortable. To be able to live in a way that didn’t leave me counting the pennies or wondering whether I would be able to afford something or whether I needed to wait until the next paycheck. I wanted to be comfortable enough that I didn’t need to think before buying something (within reason), or that I didn’t need to save for months on end for something I wanted or needed (again, within reason. I am well aware that large ticket items e.g. a house, is not something I can buy overnight). Anyway, I’m on a random tangent here, so back to therapy. Group therapy this week was good, but I found myself going on a mass rant about women’s rights and the current situation in the UK. I think I went a little overboard, but I was so riled up and angry about it that I couldn’t stop. We were discussing seeing these things in the news and one of the people in our group discussed how they feel that there is nothing they can do to improve women’s place in the world and that they switch off and try not to watch too much media about it. This made me angry. I will preface this with

the person in question is male who I do not believe is inherently misogynistic in any way, but the fact he is male is key. I responded by saying don’t you think we could just switch off from me for a few days, weeks or months and not have to think about it? Don’t you think we wished that we didn’t have to think about it every single time we walk outside or it’s starting to go dark? I was really mad. I expressed that I was not mad at the guy that had said this, I was just angry at the issue. I expressed how this was such a HUGE issue for me personally and something that I feel super strongly about and this was probably why I was raging about it. Well, that and the fact it’s a prominent issue in UK media right now. One of our therapists said they thought the best way to push the discussion forward was to give examples of why we feel the way we do. This I found really annoying. I do not feel that I should have to justify why I feel the way I do about these things or why it makes me angry. I didn’t feel comfortable going into detail in a group setting about the sexual assaults that I have personally experienced and I felt that the other women in the group felt the same. My therapist gave an example of how she sometimes feels scared going to her car in a parking lot at night. Yes, I agree, I would feel the same, but regardless, I felt like they were asking us for more personal examples, and no one seemed happy to give them. After the session, I calmed down a bit and thought through everything I had said and felt during the meeting. I usually do this. I write down my thoughts so that I can explore them in my solo session next week. I assume the topic will come up again, so I guess we’ll see what happens.

OBGYN - This week I had my first OBGYN appointment here in the US. I felt nervous but also excited about it because I was hopeful that I could get some advice and at least someone who would listen to my worries and concerns. However, this is not exactly what I got. I was given the same as the doctor when I booked my appointment. I had specifically asked for a woman, and I looked her up the day before my appointment. I do believe that more often than not I am a good judge of character. I saw her picture and immediately felt negatively towards her. She just looked like someone that was going to be a bitch. She was late to my video appointment which already got my back up and she was immediately dismissive and gave the impression that she couldn’t be bothered. She firstly barked at me to provide her with a list of my illness and medication. I started with IBD, to which she replied, yep IBS. I said no, IBD. I said I have inflammatory bowel disease and she said irritable bowel syndrome. I said no, and she scoffed and said they are the same. If I didn’t have my back up before I certainly did now. One thing worse than having a chronic illness is someone telling you it’s the same as something that isn’t a chronic disease. I said no, I have Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis, it has not yet been determined which. She then clicked on and said, oh! So yes, after her scoffing and laughing at me, she began to understand what I was saying. Next, she asked why I had made an appointment. I explained the appointment with my dermatologist, and she pulled a face and said she didn’t really understand why she had advised me to see an OBGYN. Of course, this just made me feel defeated already and I hadn’t even got onto explaining my thoughts and worries. She said she thought the only reason the derm had told me to see an OBGYN was to get put on birth control as it would also help with my skin. I told her I did not want to be on birth control. She asked what method of contraception I was taking. I REALLY wanted to say that I don’t sleep with men, but I felt so uncomfortable with her already that I just said I don’t have sex right now. Which wasn’t a lie in any terms anyway. She scoffed again and said, so your method of birth control is abstinence. I chose not to explore this further and just let her carry on. We went through some information on my periods, their length, regularity etc. etc. She agreed my periods were irregular… not something that I even needed confirming. I have been living with this for over ten years at this point. I wanted to explore fertility options for the future, just in case I ever decide to have children, but she was so dismissive and said that I shouldn’t begin to worry yet, but should make sure I consider my option of having children sooner rather than later. She made me feel uncomfortable. She didn’t make me feel that I could tell her that I was never going to get pregnant naturally, not because my body wouldn’t let me, but more importantly because I was never again going to have male/female sex. Anyway, the appointment didn’t go how I wanted, and I intend to book with another doctor later in the year to discuss the things that I want to discuss and to hopefully be taken more seriously. The one positive outcome from the appointment was that I am eligible for the HPV vaccine here and they recommend that you get it up until the age of 35. In the UK I was told it was pointless to get it after you have already had sex (with either gender), and you are only covered under the NHS to get it until some point in your 20s. Whatever it was I have now passed that age anyway, so I am open to getting it here. Give me all the vaccines. It’s a three dose-er, so considering my bodies reaction to the covid vaccine I will give it a bit of time to recover before booking my first appointment. Secondly, I have also been prescribed a medication to ‘kickstart’ a fake period should I not have one for three months or more. This made me feel happy as I had been told if my body does not shed its womb lining at least every three months I am

at an increased risk of cancer, so of course, being prescribed a medication to create a bleed, for this reason, is certainly positive. Finally, one part of the appointment that provided me with some concern is the mention of pelvic pain. The doctor said if I ever experience pelvic pain on either side, I must see a doctor right away as there is a high chance a cyst has developed, and I will need surgery… This filled me with great panic considering I have had enormous amounts of pelvic pain recently. I presumed and still believe it is related to my IBD, but regardless it’s something I need to keep track of and be more aware of. I didn’t mention it to the doctor which I now regret, but I just wanted to get off the call as quickly as possible. But yeah, it wasn’t as successful as I had hoped.

In other news, birthday gifts have started arriving from my family which is exciting. Each time something arrives I just think of how lucky I am to have people that are willing to pay the extortionate shipping costs to get things here, and for that, I am so very grateful.

Finally, I am well and truly OBSESSED with Line of Duty. I have been meaning to watch it for years as my mum always told me I would enjoy it and she is also obsessed with it. So, I finally started watching from series one a few days ago. I’m not about halfway through season four and loving every single minute of it. IT’S JUST SO GOOD. I also may have an ever so slight crush on Vicky McClure. Not that that is anything new. Lol in This Is England anyone?

[Blog title: Power Over Me - Dermot Kennedy].

#Dermot Kennedy #power over me #life #personal #diary #journal #write #writing #thoughts #thought #feeling #feelings #me #memory #memories #vicky mcclure #health #drs #medical #periods #women

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shattered-epiphany · 7 years

Text

rain (vixx; neo; one shot)

ao3 link

The weather in Seoul had finally turned more towards fall. The last few days had been gray with occasional rain. Even now it pounded against the small window of the empty practice room.

Hakyeon already missed the summer, with its humidity and heat, yet he was immensely glad it was over. He couldn't forget what the heat had done to him during one of the performances in early August. Collapsing like that in front of a huge audience was one of his biggest nightmares. He couldn't let that happen again.

He shuddered, the phantom feeling of dizziness and nausea coursing through him as he recalled the parts he could remember from that day. It wasn't much. He wasn't even entirely sure who had helped him off the stage or to the manager's car.

He couldn't look at the videos. He refused.

So he was left with the vague memories that still pressed onto him at times.

A low cough resounded through the empty practice room. Hakyeon clutched at the front of his shirt out of reflex, heartbeat fast.

"Why are you practicing alone again?" Taekwoon's soft voice came from the doorway.

Hakyeon turned around, finally looking away from the window which he had been absent-mindedly staring out of.

The smile was automatic at this point. Even though he was tired, even though it was his closest friend he was looking at.

"You know I need the extra practice." Hakyeon said matching the other's quiet tone.

"But you really don't." Taekwoon's eyes looked even darker than normal. He seemed upset.

Hakyeon walked towards him, only now feeling the stiffness in his joints and the cold sweat that had dried a while ago. He glanced at the large wall mirror and winced.

No wonder Taekwoon looked ready to knock him out. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks, which was probably accurate.

"Come here." A much warmer hand wrapped around Hakyeon's wrist and dragged him out of the room.

"Where are we going?" Hakyeon protested weakly, but he didn't try to stop his friend.

"You need a break." Taekwoon wasn't looking at him anymore. The stark hallway lights of their company building made his face even more angular than usual. Hakyeon sighed wondering what it was like to be that effortlessly handsome. Taekwoon's features weren't regular, yet they were just so attractive. It felt like the other had it easy, unlike himself who struggled every day. His looks, his skin tone, his weight always an issue.

Hakyeon shook his head. Taekwoon struggled too, in different ways, sometimes even more than the others in their group. He was still shy and unwilling to participate in most things, even after 5 years since their debut. Most of all he just wanted to sing and not think about anything else, and that Hakyeon could understand because he shared the same desire. But in the idol world other things got in the way of that. Perfection was expected in all aspects of their lives.

Hakyeon stopped in his tracks when he saw where Taekwoon was taking them.

"We can't just leave." He frowned watching the taller male pick up one of the umbrellas from the bucket next to the entrance. He was pretty sure that belonged to someone in the company, drops of rain still clinging to it.

Taekwoon shrugged and stepped half outside the glass door before opening the umbrella.

He didn't say anything but Hakyeon could read him like nobody else. His body was still turned half towards him asking him to come closer. Hakyeon sighed, the exhaustion suddenly catching up to him and leaving him unable to resist.

"Okay, let's go." There will be consequences, he was sure of that, but Taekwoon radiated calm so Hakyeon didn't worry either.

They stepped outside together. Early morning chill hit them hard. The rain wasn't pouring anymore, leaving only a slight drizzle. The streets around the district where their company building was located were for once empty. The miserable weather and early hours of a Sunday morning keeping everyone inside.

"Where are we going?" Hakyeon asked again.

"To eat." Taekwoon's voice was muted, the light rain comfortably hitting against the black umbrella.

Hakyeon felt a genuine grin tug on his lips. He pressed closer to his friend, he couldn't remember the last time they had shared an umbrella like this.

"It's always food with you, isn't it?" Hakyeon teased, even though that was exactly what he needed right now.

"Food and then we're going back to dorms to sleep." The sentence was longer than usual, but Taekwoon had a way with words that made them sound short, yet conveyed more than most people did in a whole speech.

Hakyeon knew he was a person that talked too much and it almost never contained anything of importance.

They were polar opposites.

"Aren't you afraid we are gonna get caught?" Hakyeon flinched seeing Taekwoon sending him a glare. "What? It's a legitimate concern. I have a feeling you didn't ask neither manager nor anyone else. Also we could get recognized like this." Hakyeon rambled on feeling his anxiety grow with each moment passing. The rain now suffocating.

"Here." Leo nodded to a small hole in the wall establishment that for some reason was still open. It was empty.

They stepped inside, Hakyeon going first, the sound of the umbrella closing right behind him. He slumped down at a table next to a dirty window. He had expected the other to take him to the nearest convenience store and buy him a ramyeon or something. Not this.

"Auntie, one kimchi pancake and makgeolli." Taekwoon called out softly sitting down too.

Hakyeon glanced up from his position watching Taekwoon fidget with the cutlery box on the table.

"You're really worried aren't you?" Hakyeon frowned. "I don't think you've ever done quite something like this." Hakyeon finally sat up straight in the plastic chair.

The place Taekwoon had taken them to was as run down as you would expect from a random place open at 5am, yet Hakyeon couldn't remember the last time he had felt this at ease at a place aside from their dorms.

"But you know I am handling everything.." Hakyeon tried to break the silence after a moment of Taekwoon still not saying anything. The rest of the sentences got stuck in his throat as the other reached across the table and took Hakyeon's hand in his. There was a blush fighting to spread across his tan face. But Taekwoon didn't stop at his palm and reached further grasping his wrist tightly.

"You've lost weight again." His long fingers neatly wrapped around it and Hakyeon tried to pull back on reflex.

"I don't know what you mean. I've been eating the same as always."

"I've been watching you."

"What?" Hakyeon stared. This night was truly a time for firsts. He didn't think he had ever heard Taekwoon be this direct. They always danced around the subject.

"You're not ok." Was his simple judgment and Hakyeon couldn't find it in himself to protest anymore.

The scent of fried kimchi and batter spread through the air. Outside the rain had stopped as if to let them have a moment of complete quiet before a storm was unleashed.

Taeksoon didn't release his wrist. Instead he drew slow patterns with his thumb on the sensitive skin. Hakyeon fought back the urge to squirm.

A light breeze came from the open door of the restaurant. Everything was fresh after the seemingly never ending rain.

Hakyeon should have felt a new beginning too, yet he felt dirty and beat down instead. He had been since that day in August. Maybe even before that, if he was honest.

"You're right." It slipped out before he could stop it. "I haven't been okay for a long time."

The thumb stopped its movements and drew back. Hakyeon felt shame flood him. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything. Maybe Taekwoon had been looking for more reassurance after all. Hakyeon squeezed his eyes closed. His chest felt tight.

"Let's eat."

His eyes flew open again. Steam was rising from the kimchi pancake and a pot of makgeolli sat next to it ready to be ladled into the two cups on the table. When had that happened? He must be really exhausted to blank out like that.

Taekwoon was dividing the food with practiced movements, metal chopsticks light in his hands.

Hakyeon reached for the alcohol first, his mind in a fog. He poured for Taewkoon first, then himself.

"Should we do a cheers?" He heard himself propose, the tone somehow completely devoid of life.

Taekwoon obliged, lightly tapping his cup against Hakyeon's.

The makgeolli was sweet on his tongue, going down easy.

Rain picked up again as if on cue and tears slid down Hakyeon's cheeks silently.

Taekwoon didn't say anything. His concern and love was tangible anyway.

Food hadn't tasted this good in a long time.

#vixx #neo #cha hakyeon #jung taekwoon #vixx fanfic #happyriday #<3

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andkaboodle · 4 years

Text

Gettin’ Happy!

Smashing this post out in a half an hour because I haven’t written anything in months and it’s hard for someone like me to go this long without sharing personal details about my life... but I also want to pick up my kids soon! #noshame

Where I Was At!

I punched my husband in the face a few months ago. It’s the longest story ever. It wasn’t justifiable. He forgave me the very next morning. We dealt with the underlying issues and we moved on.

But it really made me take a step back and wonder if I was where I wanted to be in life. I had all the right ingredients to make this amazing dish but I kept ending up with sludge that tastes funny. I have beautiful children, a loving husband, a decent house, so why was I getting to the breaking point of violence?

*Enter: YouTube!*

I started researching what it was I was missing in myself and ended up noticing that I had no tangible goals. I started watching YouTube videos on manifestation, meditation and law of attraction and realised that yes, I had the basic, vague aspirations of a ‘good life’ and making ‘enough money’, but what did I really want. All these different videos were leading the same headlines: Know exactly what you want. Work out how to get it. Go for it.

So what did I want? To be happy? Sure. To not yell at the kids all the time? Please. To not punch my husband (or anybody) ever again? Duh.

So I started meditating daily, pushing my bitchy thoughts to the back of my head, ignoring any negative comments that came my way and putting on a big old smile, no matter what.

I had three emotional breakdowns in one week before Jarrod pointed out that I was doing it all wrong. He dried my tears, gave me a cuddle and somehow gave me the best pep talk of my life using only Electrician analogies.

He told me that I was pretty much rewiring my brain to be happier. So I can’t just go into an existing house and put up new, prettier lights and just never turn on the old, shitty ones. There’s going to be faults, maybe a few fuses blown here and there.

He also pointed out that I don’t have a Sparky’s bone in my body and I needed to study the rewiring of my brain a little more before I can expect switchboard to run properly...

...or something. Anyway, I understood the point enough for it to be the most comforting, motivating and understanding thing he’s ever said to me.

The Rewiring of My Brain

I started to make little compromises with myself in the hope of slowly phasing out almost all negativity in my mind. Instead of yelling at the kids and adding to whatever the chaos was, I tried to calm them down enough so that Addi could explain to me why she’s upset or Herbie could settle enough to realise he’s still got a biscuit in the other hand.

As for things that go wrong in my day to day life, I still complain about them. But now I either see how it could be worse or I try to find a way to fix it. And more importantly: when it’s done, it’s done. I let go of whatever made me upset as soon as it’s out of my system.

For example, one of my breakdowns just before Jarrod’s almighty speech, was because a very frustrating lady at work (she was a student doing her placement) kept telling my coworkers and I how to do our job. It was infuriating to say the least, especially since she was meant to be there to learn from us.

Because I didn’t yet know how to deal with it and I thought my new lifestyle meant ‘just be happy anyway’, the anger built up and up and I basically exploded when J asked how my day was when I got home that night.

The next week when I saw her, I thought about how it could be worse: She was only there for one more week and then I’d never have to talk to her again. It made me grateful that she wasn’t a permanent staff member that I’d have to deal with daily. It was enough to get me through without crying out of frustration and I truly had a better week because of it.

Manifesting

My new favourite word! I say it at least once a day. My little Addi-parrot says it because she hears me say it so much. I love the concept of manifesting your dream life into a reality and how it’s so very open to interpretation. Watching all the different vlogs on this subject shows how versatile the meaning can be to each person.

For me, my favourite analogy was the one from Earth Mama Medicine as she described it like tuning into the radio station you want. She explained that if you didn’t like pop music, you wouldn’t listen to a pop station. You would tune into a punk rock station or an alternative station - whatever you’re into.

The same goes for the frequency in life. Everything is made up of vibrations and to find the ‘station’ you want, you have to tune your radio to get there. If you want a happier outlook on life, you need to surround yourself with people and things that make you happy. You need to let go of what doesn’t make you happy.

I can’t quite get on that whole ‘if you hate your job, quit!’ train just yet. I mean, we still gotta pay the bills. But make your job a place you love! Notice what’s good about it. Does your lunch spot have an amazing view? Does your coworker bring you snacks? Is your pay decent? Woohoo!

I could look at my job as a shitty 5am wake up where I have to drag my kids to the car before they’re awake properly and deal with poopy nappies and screaming babies all day.

ORRRRRRRRRR

I can look at it as a growing career where I get to care for the cutest bubs and help them hit some of their biggest milestones; nourishing them onto a path of a lifetime of respect and happiness ALL while having my own kids just down the hall and getting to watch them grow every single day too!

It’s all about perspective.

Since I’ve changed my perspective on my own life and what I want out of it, my days genuinely seem brighter. I now have a physical list of monthly goals - some seemingly a bit out of my reach but somehow I keep getting there. Addi and Herb have now started listening to me more and learning to control their own emotions. And Jarrod and I are now this crazy power couple that haven’t had a noteworthy argument in weeks.

It all sounds very hippy and ‘chiiiill duuuude’ and maybe the Kit we all knew a few months ago would have rolled her eyes at it all. But like I said to myself at the start: what have you got to lose?

#theokayestmum

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haydeesworldofpoetry · 5 years

Text

Give it Up

I’ve given up on the fact that you’re coming back any time soon. That makes me sad, and it makes my heart ache in a very odd way. Because I keep dreaming about you, I keep thinking about you, I keep going places which remind me of us. But I finally gave up. It’s only been about 15 days, if not less. I’m not sure what to do, because it feels like our relationship didn’t even exist. It seems like we both just gave up and stopped loving each other all together. But I don’t understand how. I used to cry every night and I wanted you to come back

But then I remembered the time you pushed me off the bed when you were mad, and I cried on floor.

But then I remembered the time that I had to go to urgent care because you put your satisfaction and fetish before my comfort.

But then, I remembered the time when you wanted to come in, and I said yes, because you would complain all the time about me not letting you.

And I hope you understand what I”m talking about and what I’m referencing this to...If you’re even reading this.

Did you even love me? Or, maybe this relationship was just a way for you to get rid of your loneliness.

Maybe this relationship was not about love at all, but solely about sex for you.

Maybe you found a girl who would let you do things, and so you felt lucky because, who would let you do shit like that?

Maybe, this was just your way to get out your frustrations of not having sex with anyone before me.

or Maybe..This relationship was solely based on the fact that you wanted to tell all your Xbox friends that you lost your virginity to purple rain.

Maybe this relationship was just lust and not love, or even close to it.

It was so easy for you to let us go, and it was so easy for you to forget about me that, I realize that this relationship really meant nothing to you.

You never meant the going for gold

You never meant the I love yous

Or the I miss yous

All you ever meant was to have anal sex, or eat ass for that matter.

What’s love when all we did was have sex almost every week

Whats love when all you wanted me to do was sleep over so you could fuck me

What’s love when you were never pleased with the things I let you do to me, even though I wasn’t comfortable with it?

What’s love, when you even made me cry one night. going in.

What’s love?

I don’t know yet apparently. The first guy who loved me, didn’t really, all he loved was he pictures I sent and all the drinks he drank. The second guy who loved me? oh, he only loved the sex and how easy I was.

Love knows no home around here.

The first time my second lover said he loved me, was solely out of pity. He made me bleed, he made me cry, and I forgave him.

He told every one, how he hurt me and where he hurt me.

Maybe he even thinks of this as funny now, saying “I love you” just because he made me bleed. Maybe he stayed out of pity, or fear that I would sue him over making me pay for the medical bill that arose from that injury.

Odd. But not unbelievable. It wasn’t love and I’m giving it up.

There was no love, there was just lust, sex and easiness. No part of our relationship belonged in the love category.

I hoped that we were in love, you know?

I fell for your stupid loving remarks, for your stupid presents and your stupid words. But all you wanted was my body

Everything else was too much, apparently.

Apparently learning a little bit of Spanish was too much

Apparently eating a different dish was too much

Apparently obtaining a future for yourself was too much

Apparently me giving you my body was not enough

Apparently me trying to get you on your feet was too much

Oh wait, you did mention you weren’t happy, right?

Let’s reiterate...

Me waking up at 5am for us to go to a car meet didn’t make you happy

Me accompanying you to car meetings, and officiating yourself didn’t make you happy

Me trying to help you get over your food fear didn’t make you happy

Me getting you to school to study what you love didn’t make you happy

Me getting you cookies almost every single time I saw you didn’t make you happy.

Me buying you school supplies, me being proud, me being around when you thought your dad died never made you fucking happy.

So I’m sorry if you believe I have high expectations, but I won’t bring them down. I deserve someone who loves me JUST AS MUCH as i love them.

I deserve someone who doesn’t push me off their bed because they’re simply mad over a non-significant comment.

I deserve someone who will try to resolve issues, rather than hitting their car because their upset over a medical bill.

I deserve someone who will keep up with their fucking promises, and not make me think they’ll get their passport, when it was all really bullshit.

I can’t believe I bought into your shit for that long. You never really loved me.

Why would you say you did

Why would you give us up

If you loved me

We would’ve fixed this if you did...

But it was all about sex, wasn’t it?

---

I can’t tell you how mad I am at you.

My words are like knives, I know.

You probably aren’t reading this,

In fact, you will never read these words.

Regardless, I loved you, even if you didn’t love me

The night when you lit your room with candles

The night when you bought me flowers

The night where I told you I genuinely loved you

I hope you know that night I was more than in love with you.

I hope you know that I still want you and I still feel like I need you

I hope you know that you broke me, and you said you never would

I hope your car loves you more than I did

I hope you realize that you’re lying to yourself if you thought I was keeping you away from your family

I hope you realize that work was the one keeping you from going to all those events

I fucking hope you crash your car, that way you realize that the things that have value aren’t the most expensive, but the ones that hold weight in your heart.

I hope you look back in a month and realize how bad you screwed up

I hope you fuck a bunch of girls

I hope you realize that no one will love you like I did

I hope you realize that we could’ve gone far together.

I hope you realize that my love was real

I hope you realize that, I’m also sorry.

I hope you realize that I know how harsh I was

I hope you realize that I know I was bitch most of the time

But most of all,

I hope you realize that you miss me. And I hope you realize that you want to come back into my life, and try this, just once more.

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icaberries · 7 years

Text

Destination: In Your Arms

Title: Destination: In Your Arms

Author: kagstsukki

Fandom: Haikyuu!!

Pairings: Kageyama Tobio/Kindaichi Yuutarou/Kunimi Akira, Oikawa Tooru/Kuroo Tetsurou

Tags: Soulmate AU, Canon Divergence, Polyamory, Long Distance Relationships

Word Count: 2,914 words

Author’s Note: Hiiiiiii~ <3 This was written for @okiiita for the who @hqrarepairexchange. They listed KinKuniKage and OiKuroo as their rare ships. I couldn’t decide which one to focus on so I just did both of them! I hope you like it! (^3^)~<3

Edit: I’m shit with measurements. I changed some of the distances because they did not make sense ;)

Summary:

"Your soulmate is coming?"

Fuck. "Ah...yeah...He'll be here at the opening ceremony. I hope."

"That's nice." Kageyama looks wistful as he stares at his bandaged left wrist. His right hand twitches as if itching to see his numbers, but it stays by his side.

"Hey, don't worry about it. Your soulmates must be watching wherever they are, right?" Kuroo ruffles his hair playfully and Kageyama blushes in embarrassment.

9:08pm, 1200 meters

Tobio: We're boarding our bus now. We'll get to Tokyo around 5am.

Akira: Have a safe trip.

Yuutarou: When does your first game start?

Tobio: Two days from now. We have a day for sightseeing and one for training.

Tobio: Do you want me to bring home anything?

Yuutarou: the Nationals trophy

Tobio: That's already a given

Tobio: ...

Tobio: I really wish you guy could come with me.

Yuutarou: We want to

Yuutarou: But we still have school. I don't think our parents would want us to skip just to head to Tokyo.

Tobio: :(

Akira: Cheer up. The finals is on a weekend, right? We'll be there.

Akira: For now we'll cheer you on from here.

Yuutarou: Oikawa-san is gonna bring his laptop. We can watch the live stream during breaks or after training.

Tobio: Oikawa-san's gonna watch?

Akira: Kuroo-san is participating, isn't he?

Tobio: Ohhhh...

Tobio: That's nice.

Yuutarou: Shit. I gotta go. My Mom's making me go to bed early.

Yuutarou: Have a safe trip, Tobio! Good night!

Yuutarou has logged out

Akira: I have to go to. I have an exam next week.

Akira: You'll do great out there, Tobio.

Tobio: Thank you.

Tobio: Good night, Akira.

Akira: <3

Tobio: <3

Akira has logged out

Tobio has logged out

9:30pm, 1200 meters

Tanaka arrives last, muttering something about his sister and dramatic goodbyes, and they finally make their way to Tokyo.

Kageyama looks out of the window at Karasuno High School with its closed lights and empty hallways. Under normal circumstances, tomorrow would just be another day for weekend training. However, tomorrow they would be miles away in a different city, participating in a tournament that could make a mark in the history of the Karasuno VBC.

"What'cha thinking about Kageyama?" Hinata asks next to him. Despite the darkness of the night, his eyes are still bright, still full of spark and ready for the next challenge.

"Nothing," he answers, but Hinata catches him fiddling with his cellphone.

"They're not coming?" Hinata asks, understanding immediately.

Kageyama sighs, turning away to look out of the window. The bus has exited the school now and is slowly rumbling down the hill. Their teammates are absorbed with talking to each other or trying to sleep. "Our first game is on Monday. They have classes. Of course they can't come."

"Do you want them to?"

Kageyama lowers himself in his seat-he is still unused to someone asking about his feelings-but Hinata's eyes are bright and patient. He'd be lying if he said he doesn't trust him after all they've been through together.

"I miss them," he says, finally putting away his phone. His wrist itches the farther they go. "It hasn't been that long since we got back together again. We promised each other in middle school that we'd go to Nationals together someday. To go there without them...it feels...it's just...it-"

"It doesn't feel right," Hinata finishes for him.

The bus finally arrives at the foot of the hill. It passes by Sakanoshita Store and Ukai-san looks out the window with a faraway look in his eyes.

"Yeah."

Silence passes between them. The bus passes by closed houses, closed shops and cafes, an occasional open store and quiet, empty streets. Everyone is still wide awake, talking in hushed voices. It hasn't quite sink in that they're on their way to Nationals.

"I think they'd go if they can, Kageyama."

"I know."

In a few minutes, they're out of Miyagi and Kageyama feels the distance stretch between him and his soulmates. His wrist burns.

In their world, soulmates are marked with numbers on their wrist corresponding to the physical distance between them.

Kindaichi and Kunimi both lay in bed, watching as one set of their numbers steadily increases and the other one remains the same.

Kageyama watches as the both sets of his numbers rise until he falls asleep, slumped against Hinata.

11:37am, [0m] [365000m]

The Aoba Johsai Men's Volleyball Club had a tradition that every two weeks they'd meet up and hang out outside of volleyball practice. Today they're at a ramen shop they always frequent after games and the owner jovially greets them and ushers them to a long table in the corner. Everyone's being loud and cheerful, the pain of losing semifinals only a memory behind them.

The noise distracts Kindaichi from looking at his numbers as he joins in cheering on the arm wrestling match between Kyoutani and Hanamaki. Next to him sits Kunimi who is frowning down at his wrist. While Kindaichi seems to be able to distract himself, he can't stop thinking about his numbers and worrying about Kageyama. Being a poly bond, all of them have two sets of numbers. While him and Kindaichi have a set saying 0m, Kageyama has both sets showing the enormous distance between them.

Oikawa, who has been unexpectly quiet the whole afternoon, takes a look at both of them, at the upset look on Kunimi's face and forced smile on Kindaichi's. It prompts him to make the announcement.

"I won't be going to school tomorrow."

His voice is loud enough to carry over the entire table. The arm wrestly match abruptly stops, the cheering dies down as the team looks at their captain and Iwaizumi scowls.

"Where the fuck are you going then?" Iwaizumi asks, concern masked under the gruff statement.

"To Tokyo," when he says this, he looks at Kunimi and Kindaichi as if the knew the exact effect his words will have on them.

They're distracted by the arrival of their food. Iwaizumi waits until everyone is tucking in before bumping Oikawa in the shoulder. "I'll cover for you."

"Don't you always do that anyway?" Oikawa smiles, genuine. Iwaizumi snorts and starts eating his ramen. "There's a problem though."

"What's that?"

"If you're covering for me-" Oikawa levels a look at Kunimi and Kindaichi, a knowing look on his face. "-who's gonna cover for you two?"

It's one of the few moments Kunmi is convinced Oikawa is a psychic.

11:32pm, 365000m

Tooru: Find a way for Tobio-chan to cover up his soulmate marks tomorrow.

Tetsu: ???

Tetsu: Okayyyyy

Tetsu: y tho?

Tooru: just do it

Tooru: And why the fuck are you still awake anyway?

Tooru: jfc go to sleep it's Nationals tomorrow!!!!!

Tetsu: says the guy who gets 2 hrs of sleep on game days

Tetsu: But yeah, ok. Ill sleep in a min.

Tetsu: y do you need me to get kags to cover up his marks?

Tooru: because I'm an awesome senpai

Tetsu: stfu im better

Tooru: prove it

Tetsu: I got lev and shiba to realize why their numbers are always the same

Tooru: Well, I'm driving Yuu-chan and Sleepy-chan all the way to Tokyo to see their bf

Tetsu: Fukunaga and Tora got me a 'World's Okay-est Captain' shirt

Tetsu: Daichi got a '#1 Captain' mug smh

Tooru: wtf i want one

Tooru: I locked Yaha-chan and Kyouken in the supply room until they confessed!

Tetsu: Kenma says I have better hair than you

Tooru: LIES

Tooru: SCREW YOU TETSU-CHAN

Tetsu: get to tokyo and we'll see ;)))

Tooru: GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP ALREADY

Tooru: AND SEE YOU TOMORROW

Tooru has logged out

Tetsu: Love you too~

Tetsu has logged out

8:17am <unknown>

"Kageyama-kun are okay? Why is your wrist bandaged?"

"Kuroo-san says Kenma-san and Akaashi-san do this before games for good luck."

"You do know that's a load of bull—mmph!"

"Shut up, Tsukki."

"Wait, isn't that Tsukishima's line?"

"Sorry Yamaguchi."

"What's with the role reversal?!"

6:00am [0m] [363400m]

"Sleepy-chan, Yuu-chan. Get in."

Kunimi eyes the light blue Cadillac dubiously. "Um..."

"Don't worry! I have my license already. We'll be fine."

"That's not very assuring, Oikawa-san." Kunimi says as he climbs in the back seat with his and Kindaichi's bags. Kindaichi tries to join him but is stopped by Oikawa.

"Go ride shotgun, Yuu-chan."

Kindaichi pales. "Do I have to?"

"Of course." Oikawa steers him to the front seat and all but pushes him in. "That way I don't feel like a Mom chaffeuring her two kids to their first date."

"You'll survive," Kunimi says in consolation, patting his shoulder. Kindaichi gives him a withering look as puts on his seatbelt.

Oikawa slides in the driver's seat, checks all the mirrors and puts on his seatbelt. "I got Kuroo-chan to convince Tobio-chan to cover his marks. That way it will be a surprise."

"Thanks Oikawa-san," Kunimi says and Kindaichi echoes his sentiments. It's not just about the surprise, it's for everything—lying smoothly to their parents about their whereabouts, getting Iwaizumi to cover for them at school, driving them in the first place.

Oikawa understands what they mean and looks fondly at his two juniors. "You're welcome. A captain has to look out for his team, y'know?"

The tender moment lasts for about two seconds until Oikawa shoots out of the driveway and narrowly misses hitting a trash can on their way out.

10:02am, 9500m

Kuroo stares at his numbers. They've been steadily decreasing since morning. A flutter of anticipation washes over him at the thought of seeing Oikawa again. The last time they saw each other had been last summer when Nekoma went to Miyagi for a practice match and he snuck out to see Oikawa for a few minutes.

"Um...Kuroo-san?"

Kageyama is standing in front of him, fidgeting with the bandage on his wrist. "Can I take it off now?"

"No!" he bursts out, starlting both of them. "Not until they get here."

"Not until who gets here?"

Shit. "U-Until Kenma or Akaashi gets here. You can ask them when to take it off. I don't really know. Must be a setter thing." Kuroo laughs nervously, scratching at his cheek with his index finger. Kageyama follows the movement, eyes zeroing in on the numbers on Kuroo's wrist.

"Your soulmate is coming?"

Fuck. "Ah...yeah...He'll be here at the opening ceremony. I hope."

"That's nice." Kageyama looks wistful as he stares at his bandaged left wrist. His right hand twitches as if itching to see his numbers, but it stays by his side.

"Hey, don't worry about it. Your soulmates must be watching wherever they are, right?" Kuroo ruffles his hair playfully and Kageyama blushes in embarassment.

If Kageyama was Oikawa's kouhai way back then, that makes him partially Kuroo's too, right?

10:34am, 4897m

"Shit." Oikawa looks out into the sea of cars before him. They were already inside Tokyo, but the stadium where Nationals was being held was still far away. To top it off, they were stuck in traffic, squeezed between a truck and a minivan and the noise of Tokyo's streets pounding through the windows.

"Are we going to make it?" Kindaichi asks worriedly, scratching at his numbers. They haven't changed for a while now. "The program starts at 11."

"We'll get there," Oikawa promises. His grip around the steering wheel tightens. "We just have to...get in front of this line somehow."

Oikawa glances at Kunimi in the mirror. He is rubbing at his wrist restlessly as if it would make the numbers change faster. To his side, Kindaichi sticks his head out of the window to look at the traffic light up ahead. Oikawa looks down at his own mark. The number marked there is practically mocking him, telling him he's close but it's not enough.

"Kindaichi, get back inside. Kunimi, seatbelt now."

The use of their real names prompt his two juniors to scramble for their seats. Up ahead, the light turns green and the cars start moving forward. When the truck in front of them moves he turns to face both of them, an intense look in his eyes.

"Do not tell Iwa-chan about this," he stresses. They nod furiously.

Oikawa floors it.

10:40am, <427meters>

"What the fuck?!" Kuroo exclaims as he watches the number on his wrist rapidly decrease. "What is he doing?"

"Your soulmate must be excited to see you." Kageyama comments, unknown to him that his numbers are doing the same beneath the bandage. He removes his eyes from Kuroo's decreasing numbers when he catches sight of yellow and white jerseys down the hallway. "Oh, I see Akaashi-san. I'll ask him about the bandage."

"Kageyama wait!"

Hurry the fuck up, Tooru.

10:42am, <157m>

Kindaichi has done suicide laps until he fainted, he went sky diving from a plane on a dare, he experienced a forty feet drop off a roller coaster.

None of that could compare to Oikawa Tooru's driving.

The scenery blurs outside the vehicle as Oikawa weaves through the traffic and goes through the smallest of spaces as if he is simply looking for cracks in a blocker's defense. Kindaichi yelps as they almost crash into an electric pole if not for Oikawa making a sharp turn that almost lifted one side of the car.

Kunimi has his eyes closed in the back seat, trying to ignore all the chaos. Kindaichi itches to hold his hand for comfort but it's currently busy holding on to the safety bar above his head for his dear life.

And if he somehow broke said bar during the ride, he'll apologize to Iwaizumi later.

Assuming Iwaizumi won't be too busy killing Oikawa for this.

10:44am, <unknown>

"A lucky charm for setters?" Akaashi raises a brow, confused.

"Kuroo-san said you and Kenma-san do it before games." Kageyama raises his wrist to reveal the bandage wrapped around it. "When can I remove it?"

Akaashi looks behind Kageyama to where Kuroo is making cross motions with his hands.

"You can take it off now, if you'd like," he says, smile borderline sly. Kuroo's jaw drops. "I don't know about you, but I don't like hiding my soulmate mark."

"Fucking hell Akaashi!"

10:46am, 110m

Kunimi staggers out of the car, dropping on his knees on the asphalt of the parking lot.

"Oh sweet land, I am never leaving you again," he mutters, pressing his cheek on the ground.

"Now's not the time for a nap," Oikawa says. His hair still artfully styled after the ride. What the hell? He's helping a pale Kindaichi out of the car. "I'm calling Kuroo-chan!"

10:47am, [15m] [15m]

"Huh?"

Kageyama stares at his numbers in disbelief. This morning it was 365200, but now it was only 15?

"Looks like your soulmates are nearby. I'd go find them if I were you. The ceremony starts in a few minutes," Akaashi says before walking back to the clustered Fukurodani players.

Kuroo pulls out his phone at an incoming text.

Tooru: We're here!!! Lobby, near the player's entrance. Hurry!!!

"Sawamura! I need to borrow your setter for minute. Yaku, keep an eye on the team!"

Ignoring their indignant shouts, Kuroo grabs Kageyama by the arm and bolts.

10:49, 3.3528m

Kunimi is someone who values his sleep. Few things hold rapture over him than the bliss of a nap. However, included in those few things are his boyfriends. It's why he let Kindaichi burst through his bedroom door at 5am in the morning. It's why he willingly skipped class just to drive four hours to Tokyo. It's why he's standing here right now.

Kindaichi's heart has just returned to its normal pace after Oikawa's driving from hell, but the sight of Kageyama appearing in the lobby makes it speed up again. A large smile fills his face at the look of surprise and utter happiness on Kageyama's face at the sight of them.

Kageyama stares at them. Is it really-?

He starts running.

14m

13m

12m

He launches himself at Kindaichi who catches him in his arms, laughing as he twirls them around.

"You came! You're here! You're real!" Kageyama says, excitement on his features and his eyes bright as he looks at them, their ruffled hair, their tired eyes and the happy smiles on their faces.

"Of course. There was no way we're missing your first Nationals game." Kindaichi brushes their noses together, earning him a breathless laugh.

"But school--"

"There are two hundred days in a school year." Kunimi says, stepping up and cupping his cheek. "But only one day for our boyfriend's Nationals debut."

"But how--"

"Oikawa-san drove us." Kunimi buries his hear in Kageyama's black uniform jacket. "We had to wake up at dawn to make it on time." He nuzzles against him, letting out a soft yawn.

"Are you still sleepy?" Kageyama asks, running a hand through his hair.

"Worth it. You're always worth it, Tobio."

"Unlike you, Kunimi is not good in sleeping in a moving vehicle. Especially if it's Oikawa-san driving." Oikawa makes an affronted noise a few feet away but it's drowned out by his giggles as Kuroo peppers his face with kisses, arms wrapped around Oikawa's waist.

Kindaichi tries to pull Kunimi off Kageyama. "Come on, if we get inside now you can take a nap before the opening ceremony."

"Wait." Kunimi pulls away but he still has a hand gripping Kageyama's jacket. He pulls him down by the fabric and presses a kiss on his cheek. When Kunimi lets go, there's a smirk on his face. "Go kick some ass."

Kageyama grins, feral, determined and beautiful all at once. "Count on it."

Kindaichi kisses the top of his head. "Show the world what you can do."

"So I'll just show you two then?"

They look at him in confusion.

Kageyama smiles. "You two are my world after all."

Forget Oikawa's driving, it's Kageyama's smile that kills them in the end.

#kinkunikage #oikuroo #oikuro #fic #fanfic #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #my fics #ot3

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